Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #119 with Nigel Ng AKA Uncle Roger - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 10, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. hello i hate it being in that toilet where I can hear someone having a plop. When I go and I go for a wee. What in the air? And I just, I don't know. I don't know. I never enjoy it. But here more than anywhere, you can hear someone like.

And then wiping up. I'm like, I don't want to hear it. And that's just happened then. Just very odd i like it when you know someone's in there and you can tell they're like oh shit someone's in here and then they hold everything yeah dude does it and you can tell there's someone there and you know they're like holding a plop just so it doesn't go for dunk adam hasn't got the anal dexterity no i have anal dexterity i am i have here's the thing right if i'm sober or like not hung over right right then if i'm having a shit because i know how explosive my

shits are i'm like oh this is embarrassing so i'll try and hold it until like they've washed their hands and fucked off hoping they're just having a wee right but if i'm hung over and they didn't see me walk in so they don't know who i am yeah right yeah then there's like this you know when i'm hung over on this and i get in like a silly wind-up mood you're like like i'll force it out as hard as possible and I'll be like because you're a mystery man you're a mystery man yeah and it's just funny I know when you've been

for the poo in them toilets three days like that you know by being in there I know you've been there yeah but Carl your sense of smell is weird

like you sound like you've just done two nights on beak Yeah but Carl Your sense of smell is Weird Like You sound Like you've just done It is the nose Two nights on beak Like you really Like You sound like you've done

A lot of cocaine And you've never done Any cocaine But you're And you always sound like You've got a bit of a cold But your sense of smell Is phenomenal

When you say Don't let that nasally sound Put you off It's like a fucking Sniffer dog When you say you need A nose job You mean you need it Like Dylan You don't want Like a better nose No is phenomenal. Don't let that nasally sound put you off. He's like a fucking sniffer dog. When you say you need a nose job, you mean you need it like drilling?

You don't want like a better nose? No. You want to look less Jewish? I went into the doctor and went, listen, I just want to look less Jewish. And he went, right, you need... Don't worry, you've come to the right place. We're a racist doctors, so that's fine between you and me.

I went to get it and then you need two weeks isolation, like proper isolation because you're so susceptible to infection. I was like, I can't be arsed.

So one day I will get it. But your sense of smell is amazing. Yeah. Someone had been round at ours doing work. Oh, no.

I was like, was that John? Dan, there's someone on your property. oh no my I was like was that John Dan there's someone on your property they've already left that was last week Carl

I know my brother-in-law was staying over for the weekend and he smokes and he was going outside and smoking and then coming back in

and he was washing his hands because of like etta and everything and it's just not nice and I he was washing his hands because of like etta and everything and it's just not nice and I hadn't worn his clothes I didn't

do you know like I hadn't worn his jacket or anything but I'd just been in and around him I walked in and he went have you been around

someone that smokes and I was like yes you fucking weirdo it's smoking in particular that it just yeah I I didn't used to be able to smell it

because I grew up in a a council house with the windows and doors because we're not paying for that eating if we're not getting off my mum and dad I nearly put a sad story

but it'll fuck up the adverts every time he talks I really want to I mean we're getting fucking demonetised anyway no stop like forcing us

to be demonetised do you know do you know what they're doing what because YouTube does captions doesn't it yeah all they do is they just search the word cunt for us to be demonetised. Do you know what they're doing? What? Because YouTube does captions, doesn't it? Yeah. All they do is,

they just search the word cunt. And now this one's demonetised. No money for this advert. No money for this episode. So, because you... Plessy? Thanks.

Because I grew up on a council estate in Liverpool. Yeah. With only one bin. I thought you estate in Liverpool with only one bin I thought you were going to say only one parent just one bin no but like

I'm talking like when I was really young when they were still together they both smoked like 30 a day each in a house with the windows and doors shut so like

you become desensitised to smoke hot boxing with the rose hot boxing with the rose there's a fucking draft I think that's literally right now like on modern standards

categorised as like grade A child abuse oh yeah like that's up there with your uncle fucking your dad turn it off no

no did your uncle fuck you never mind that me mum and dad smoked I mean what's worse at least he bought me dinner Adam I love it how he just says things

with all assurance like he's like don't worry guys I've done the research because I know this for a fact I've actually studied law just to be able to say this it's as bad as your uncle

fuck him fact I deal in facts grade just to be able to say this it's as bad as your uncle fuck it fact I deal in facts grade A as well like there's grade grade A grade B

ooh there's a bit of a grey area so what would be grade B child abuse I forget he's saying we don't we're not getting monetised

no we're not getting monetised and it's sad story song is it that's the fault that's where I think so that's where we're going wrong yeah oh and it's sad story song is it it's that's the fault that's where i think so that's where we're going wrong yeah oh and this is from ferdinand

that's probably take so hang on grade b child abuse probably um do you reckon grade b child abuse is like getting uh making them wear three quarters yeah no you go you've gone too far down the grade. I'm like grade D. Your uncle banging you is grade A. And then your mum and dad taking your sports directs for like your clothes is not grade B. There's got to be some grades in between that.

Your uncle's like, come here. And then your mum going, wear them Lonsdales. I think three quarters is like grade D, but grade C is wearing an Echo trackie, I think. You had an Echo trackie? I did, yeah.

Oh my God, he's a victim. No, but back then it wasn't. Adam was taken. I love how you placed applause by mistake there. He's a victim. He survived. He's a survivor.

Beyonce. Do you remember the parody of Survivor song? I honestly thought you started speaking in a Belfast accent then. Do you remember the parody? Do you remember the parody? I will not relinquish my right to wear a fucking echo trackie. I'm a survivor. I've got a fiver Got on the bus and knocked out the driver

What was the next? What was that? That's something that we used to sing in school Oh my god In an assembly Cardinal here Give it up Everyoneop, whoop. Everyone, eyes down.

We're going to pray, and then we're going to sing. I'm a survivor. We used to sing, down a fraggle rock, swing a fraggle by the cock. Grab a fraggle by the cock, swing it round your head, till the fuck is dead. Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it? That was the Fraggle Rock song gut, swing it around your head till the fuck is dead. Yeah, that was just weird, wasn't it? That was the Fraggle Rock song. Yeah.

Good, standard. Tell us more stories about the old time grandpa. And we watched it. We watched it on the moving picture box. There was one on every street. Gather round, gather round. We're going to watch a Fraggle Rock. Do you remember your first telly?

From America, from the new world, boys and girls. Moving pictures now. Do you remember your first TV? I'm from America! From the new world, boys and girls! Moving pictures now. Do you remember your first television? Do I remember my first television? Yeah, it was just after the war. Genuinely? I was like, Dad, stick the wireless on. And he was like, fuck that.

We've got a moving picture. You know that accent you do, right? Moving pictures now. You know that one, right? Oh, it's my favourite. Genuinely. One of the bits that I'm bringing back is old Papa Dan. I can't love that bit. Do you know if I right oh it's my favorite genuinely one of the bits that i'm bringing back is old papa dan i can't love that bit do you know if i was writing a radio sitcom or play or like

basically a non-visual like story and i i was casting a non-visual story they They're behind you. No. They're old-fashioned. There's a genre on Netflix. Non-visual stories. Yeah, non-visual stories. Like a radio play, and I was casting a black preacher. I genuinely would cast you before I went,

and I'm sure there'd be a big kick-off, you know? Black preacher roles for real black preachers or something. It doesn't work like that. You just have to be black. You don't have to be a black preacher. They don't give the black peach roll to an old black guy and everyone's like oh brilliant nice one that's like priest appropriation he's not even a priest he's an actor disgusting my dad was a black preacher it's happened on the simpsons doesn't it what it's happened on the simpsons yeah Homer the fellow who plays Homer not even yellow

no in real life I meant like a poo did you a poo it's weird that innit it's almost like I knew that just a little joke

I don't know I didn't see it it's usually me playing the what wasn't it wasn't it a joke but anyway yeah in Big Mouth

in Big Mouth they did that thing in Big Mouth the black girl is now was being played by and they were like so in season four her the black girl is now was being played by a number and they were like so in season four her voice sounds different and you're like

that was literally last year that they went oh yeah it's not alright it's happening as we speak sorry yeah

my mum and dad smoked it was basically yeah wrong button again so what could they be then slap do you reckon spanking nah I reckon like So what's grade B then? Slap. Do you reckon?

Spanking. No, I reckon like shit chocos. No, because you're forgetting there. There's the option for weaponry. So grade A would be like gun. Yeah, grade A. What, shoot them? I think that's grade A+. No, no, no.

No one wants to be Molested by your uncle But it's still worse than being shot in the head Isn't it Because at least with being shot in the head you're just dead No but like guns Then knives then baton Are we still talking about child abuse

Are you talking about medieval Are you saying children don't get shot ever What by the parents? Yeah. Right! Ben time! And I fucking mean it this time! Baton.

Do you know, baton, do you know as you're having a sleepover, you know you're not having a sleepover at the mental kid's house if the parents come in, if I can hear giggling one more time, I will shoo every motherfucker in the room. Major at an Adam's house. Gone. Chainsaw. giggling one more time I will shoo every motherfucker in the room Major Debt

and Adam's House gun chainsaw baton twirly piece of material they're all the same they can be weapons

then punch and then slap erm corporal punishment I think is one down from like child molestation I think that's B

is corporal punishment like jabbing them or not? No, it's just all... Double jabs. Double jab, jab. No, grade B is a jab, and then you fucking connect with the right. That's grade A again.

Jab, jab, move. Over on right. They're down because they're four. Fucking get up. I would rather have been battered by my dad, right, than sent to school in, like, white Lonsdales. Trainees. Would you have been allowed to walk on the property of the school

with white Lonsdales? Could you get away with that? We didn't have a fucking doorman on the school gun. I swear to God, there were teachers who you wouldn't be in school very long before white trainers would just get you, like, you'd just be bollocked. You'd be in front of the deputy head's office.

You couldn't just turn up in trainers. Yeah, same. Like, my memory of it is that pretty, like, yeah, it does feel like, I'm now, what's that thing where you misremember things to suit yourself? A confabulated memory. It is.

Like, I remember... Psychology. I remember bouncers being at the door being like, I'm sorry, mate, you can't come in. Can't. Money. Money. Money.

Psychology. Anyone deciding, just finished your GCSEs, you want to know what A-level do? Psychology. Instant money. Hey, have you got a B in A-level do? Psychology. Instant money. Hey, have you got a B in A-level psychology? Well, yeah, my mum and dad smoked. Did your mum and dad smoke?

Wait to see. Shit, sorry. You were talking about the smell, weren't you? That's why I brought it up, because I used to just, like, not notice it. And then one time my washing machine broke, and I sent all my clothes to my dad

to do the washing for us for a few days while we were waiting for it to get fixed and when I got them back because he smokes still in the house with like the door

like shut on that they smelled so bad that I just threw them all away I was just like I literally got like a week's worth of clothes and it was me

you know me in rotation clothes that's why they needed washing and they all just went in a bin we've had presents for our children from members of the family who smoke and when you don't smoke i mean i used to when i was a kid but like it's the most noticeable thing when you were a kid when it yeah five years it was a different time yeah you buy them in the fucking how old were you when you started smoking when you had your first my dad was genuinely seven he smoked since he was seven but it was advertised like good for you back then weren't it yeah doctor said it was good for you

you back then weren't you yeah doctor said it was good for you when was your dad seven though like 1967 is he born he's born in the 67 yeah i think the it's good for you had gone by the late 60s i think they were working it out a little bit weren't they i think if you smoke now from the age of 18 no more you know it's just it's absolute madness so you're 18 now when you start smoking or 16 whatever I think it's for what we know now, what it does, just don't get it. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? Because you feel invincible when you're a kid and it's just a form

of rebellion, isn't it, I suppose. I felt like it was cool, even though the only person I knew who had cigarettes was my gran and she was visibly dying in front of us. So why the fuck I thought it was cool? Like, yeah, love, don't worry, I'll make you tea. Is that how you're now watching the wrestling? It's all shite.

Ellen B. Classy. Gran was a classy girl. How old were you then? Like 15? I was about 13, 14. And I worked at a newsagents in Penworth Ham, just outside Preston.

And me and my friend, Andrew Justice, who you know about great name yeah who is already already like a racketeer we were nicking cigarettes

from the news agents and full packs or just like sliding one out I mean it started with like oh shit

I've left the papers behind can I go and get them and he just had like phenomenal just walk past and just flick one or two packs into his bag, into his newspaper bag. They were so thick about it.

It must have been six months down the line. He was ending up in the stock room and taking 200 at a time. How the fuck did they not work it out instantly? But we would come out of that cigarette with just like a box of Embassy Red, like 200, which is 10 packets, cellophane together, and then mix and match. We were taking orders.

People were like, well, I actually prefer Regal. You're like, yeah, no worries, Regal. B&H? Yeah, B&H. Who was doing the stock? Now looking, they seemed like adults at the time. Looking back, I can't remember it i think she was called elaine and i think she was from east lancashire so apparently and she must

have been 22 23 to us they were grown-ups they're like yeah she's the manager she's just a fucking kid and i don't think she cared and maybe she was nicking as well and was blaming on us but we that's how i got my first cigarette i nicked marlboro red because it was because i love formula one and they sponsored mclaren and it was cool so my first cigarette was around the back of my house i smoked i may be the first millimeter of a marlboro red and then went yeah it's audible yeah that's not an easy an easy first cigarette but it looks cool doesn't it? No. Speaking of newsagents,

I think yesterday me and Carl stopped a newsagent getting his dick sucked. Yeah, we did. Before footy. That's an interesting story, that, isn't it? Yeah. I think if me and Carl didn't exist, or were dead,

then there's a newsagent in Bootle who would have got his pipe smoked yesterday. She went and she got served and then just started chatting yeah fucking move on we're in the queue you soft bitch

we were we were in a newsagent in Butoh we played footy last night just getting a bottle of water and as we walked in there was like an atmosphere between

the woman getting served and the man behind the counter and she was buying triple A batteries which means you know

you know instantly vibrator come for 4 000 any woman buying batteries you know what's up at half eight you want to find a dirty girl stand next to the jurors but she was like she at one point she gave him 40 quid in cash. And I seen it and she went, that's for you. Right. She did that three times as well. Yeah. This sounds like the most working class depressing start of a porn scene ever. Ali works for the local news agents.

Linda's dirty. Here's 40 quid. That's for the papers this week. Linda's dirty. Here's 40 quid. That's for the papers this week. And a fuck. But then she was like, so, you're working late tonight?

Oh, yeah. Because we were waiting, we stood there with bottles of water behind us. Was he Asian? Yeah. No, he wasn't. What do you mean, no, he wasn't?

He wasn't Asian, was he? Well, I didn't ask, but like. No, but I thought he was just black. No. Was he not? No.

He's really dark brown. How have you got such a phenomenal sense of smell, but you can't see ethnicity? He's colourblind. Yeah, I'm not. Let me smell him. No, he is actually Asian, yeah. I mean, he looks black, doesn't he? He looks black.

I don't see colour, Dan. Yeah, you don't. And I'm actually colourblind. You're actually colour blind I am but not a black that's the only reason I'm not racist anyway

I'm a nightmare at traffic lights but I'm very tolerant in terms of racial equality I've stood there waiting to get served she's like

so you're working late it's nice have you been working late all the time and he was like yeah yeah yeah and you could tell he's like

look I can't get my dick out there there yeah that was in a monologue i think you're doing a lot of jumps here boys batteries equals slag flirty at the news agent noshing him off behind the magazine did say as well there for me come bust a four thousand silly man no it was a three thousand As well, there for me cumbus, the 4,000. Silly man. No, it was the 3,000. The 4,000.

It's not even out yet. It hasn't even been released. If you're going to do dildo banter, you've really got to try harder. No, it takes double A's. It's too big. Genuinely, you felt like a little bit of electricity in the air. Not electricity. No.

It was like what what was the 40 quid for exactly what was the 40 quid for it was either for drugs right or the papers or for dick on tick do you do tick on tick strap dick on tick can i get some dick on tick it might have been uh biffs on tick i mean with the like i have ciggies and i'll pay you next week still do that in liverpool some places still do a little you're a regular here's 40 ciggies gives them next week and put a little fork with on top of it yeah okay that's how mastercard started out yeah yeah selling tabs adam salt what i don't know right so 40 quid so she's been paying for some something biffs or dick on tick yeah biffs dick maybe tick. 40 quid bread on tick.

Lad, you're going to need to give me some fucking Warburton. I need some carbs, lad. Yeah. Soup. I can tell you, having worked with this numbnuts for so long, Adam's just going round in his head at newsagents. He's going round the shop visually like adam no he went la la la adam's walking around the shop going what could be on tick bread

he's up to the biscuits now auto trader lollipops lollipops fab's on take that's exactly what I was doing I fucking knew it I was sat here doing my job walking around the newsagents and bootlegging me ass

oh fuck me Speaking of You soft bitch Carl Well arse Fucking old Just suck his dick On tickle

Fuck off now I've got some Volvic here You soft bitch Have you seen Them credit cards For kids now That you can do

Yeah Fucking mad them aren aren't they? It's a good idea in a way, isn't it? Good idea. What is it? So it's like you give your kid a card, but you control all the finance. They also have a banking app, so they can... It's just a mini kiddie version of...

Kiddie sounded wrong. But just to teach them about how to work their bank accounts and money. Oh, okay. So they can go to the shop and spend it, but you see and you can control them. They've got chores you can pay them for and bills and shit. Yeah. To teach them how to use money.

I think it's boss. I think it's great. And I've said it before and I will say it again. With Etta and then Jack, we are going to be doing that and I'm going to work like the four quid on top loan system and I'm going to get one of them in debt and then I'm going to fuck up a Christmas. Because when I turned 18, 19,

got to uni and HSBC went, hi, numbnuts, have you just got to university and all you really want to do is drink and not do politics at Newcastle? Well, here is £1,500 overdraft, which you will now see as £1,500 free money. And here is a credit card with 750 quid on it go fucking mental and within two months i had just all of that money and never paid it

back i did that got into my bank was that mate horrific i was sound though to be scared of not pregnancy not uh i wanted to be scared of like STIs I'm going to be like you go out darling you're going out tonight that's absolutely but before you go like every night out

what do we do we sit with but daddy's big file of facts of evil and that's that's what you can that's what you can get

if you shag without a condom this is the disease you can get bang close you're crying yeah redo your makeup

have a great night with your friends and I'm also going to teach you about debt by going brilliant yeah you've you've run out of pocket money oh but you won that thing

daddy's going to lend you five pounds yeah you can go into the five pounds and you've not paid that back by September that's now 15 pounds owed you've not paid back by November it's 25 pounds owed if you still owe it at Christmas

I will fuck up a Christmas day going you were in debt and I want her to be like, oh shit, yeah, that's how debt works. She's going to hate me. Now I've said it out loud. She's going to absolutely fucking hate me. And as you know, Etta,

after every night out, Uncle Karl comes around and smells and sees what STDs you've got. Yeah, and that's only grade B. We weren't out of grades. And he's not even your real uncle, so he's not that bad. At least I've not got a gun.

Adam, put the gun away. We've not got a gun adam put the gun away we're not gonna go i swear to god i want my kids to be streetwise about fucking stis i don't want any grubby little boys going no it doesn't matter it fucking does matter and i don't want them to be like oh i got into like three grand a day just because i wanted to i want them to be smart so if that card helps me teach these kids not to be fucking morons when some bank goes yeah just have loads of free money am i mad kids should be taught that in school anyway though should be like 100 i've said i tried to do stand-up about this but it's not sort of funny enough for stand-up everyone's just like yeah good point dan johnson asked about it and i'm

i didn't get around to asking the question he said, if you're in charge of the school syllabus, what subject would you fuck off and what would you put in place? Okay, so the obvious one is to fuck Ari off, innit? Yeah, bye. Like, it's insane that religion and schooling

is tied together. I sort of understand why it is in this country. I still don't think it's right. So if I was actually in charge, I'd fuck that off. Although, learning about other religions

is fine, but if you go to somewhere called Cardinal He charge, I'd fuck that off. Although learning about other religions is fine. But if you go to somewhere called Cardinal Heenan, I imagine RS is a bit different than if you go to a secular high school. Cause we learn about Islam. Yeah. But I don't, there's nothing wrong with being taught about religion.

As long as it's not from a like, right, we're going to do, you did Ramadan every year. You just start. Salaam Alaikumikum Cardinal Heenan's come a long way we had to go

into school for lunch time at three o'clock in the morning learning about religion as in these are the religions and this is what they but Cardinal Heenan

you were told basically right this is religion God is good God is real and here are the gammy fake ones we'll do half an hour each

Each year on these Yeah Most of them don't even like Gammon Right Nailed it Absolutely nailed it So RS is You're gonna

You're fucking it off I'd keep it around Because it's good to know About stuff But definitely It's not getting taught Like it is It would be changed

Yeah okay It would be changed Like the way it's taught Then I think Geography Fuck that off Unless you want to do it Do you know what I mean

You've got Google Maps Yeah Grow up Yeah Like I don't need to know What an igneous rock is Do you know what I mean And you don't

You don't need to Unless you really like rocks That's the poorest one Probably He doesn't know I'm going to Google that He's proved his own point By going

You don't need to know What an igneous rock is You don't need to know Do you think And I don't proved his own point By going You don't need to know What an igneous rock is You don't need to know Do you know And I don't And I'm doing great Yeah You don't need to know

What Oxbow Lake is You don't need to know The different type of hills Okay Fair enough Like you don't need geography Have you ever used it Apart from

Also Can you pick one language And not try and teach us two Because they tried to teach us Two languages Oh no We only had to learn one We only had to learn Spanish

And it was only up until year nine, and then you got the option to pick a GCSE. To bin it. But we got taught by Mrs. Jackson. Who is literally just a woman from... People used to do that when we forgot our own way. I'm sorry, Mrs. Jackson. I played FIFA.

That's some gammon. She's not into it Not into it Yeah I mean there's literally There was Latin at our school Different town Different town One teacher Back then was Latin still being used

400 children Yeah it was still being used Yeah Cum latte That's not the coffee you want Kobe What else is shite yeah cum latte that's not the coffee you want Kobe what else is shite I think

a second language is dead important just why why would we be doing German and French in third year what the fuck was that about year nine doing two languages

if you could learn any language though at school yeah if you could go back now with like sort of not all the knowledge you've got now

but sort of you could inspire your 10 year old self and go lad learn this language get that teacher to teach you you get to pick it what would you pick probably slovenian yeah it makes total sense i mean you lived in japan for a year and you're half spanish but slovenian is the next option isn't it yeah no definitely spanish it's the most it's the most versatile one isn't it what would you what would you Definitely Spanish. It's the most versatile one, isn't it?

What would you? I mean... I'm going Mandarin just so I know when they're talking behind me back. Oh, I would love to hear your Scouse Mandarin. It would be something else. Un chat, un chat, lad. Funny episode for me to... Weird one.

To wheel that out for the first time in a while to do my that was definitely a bit Mandarin on today's episode apologies Spanish is a good option

because you get to go around South America it's all over Wales and that is like beak down so I think I mean the 10 year old me

would be like drugs are bad what do you mean 40 year old me going, listen, dickhead, you're going to want to go travelling early 20s. Argentina, very cheap cocaine. But drugs are bad. Didn't you just say this is 40-year-old you?

So why is your voice shit? Been smoking again? Because when I speak to 10-year-olds, that's how I sound. Hey, you all right? I'd like Italian as well. I wouldn't mind Italian because there's a lot of passion in it. And, you know, tutti frutti.

You know what I mean? There's a lot of like... Tutti frutti. There's a lot of like... Oh, you don't eat it. The bollock nails. Like, there's a lot of like Maria The bollock nails Like there's a lot of Just a hilly How

With all the footballers With all the foods With all the places You know the name of in Italy Did you go Oh A tutti frutti Tell me a more Italian two words

Than tutti frutti Tutti frutti You can't Oh dear Yeah Italian Mandarin I do want to know what they're saying When I'm in the chippy You know when they like Say something Fruity fruity. You can't. Oh, dear. Yeah. Italian, Mandarin. I do want to know what they're saying when I'm in the chippy.

You know when they say something and they giggle and they look at you and I'm like... Yeah. Did you just go, oh, this is the fourth day in a row. That's better not to know. It's better not to know. No, because if I knew it, I could pull it up on it. What? It's all full of sculptures by us.

Not all of them. They're not talking Mandarin. No. They hate Adam so much they've learned a different language just to slag him off behind his back yeah so what would you put life skills basically takes up about three or four of those hours a week that have replaced nonsense fucking lessons what life skills life skills debt definitely debt debt why can't i use a drill we've had a where is it we have had a new desk for ages i've broken two drill bits i've upset my wife by going why can't you do it she's

like baby just give it to me well it was here and there was a drill here and you sat on your phone and did nothing that's because i was busy. Oh. Second. Do a second. Do a second. Do a second. Do a second. El Twitterate. Do a second.

E finito. Life skills. What other life skills then? Some. You don't need to like no I was gonna use a drill you do need to know like finance management

it'd be good though it would kinda be good like if we're talking life skills I could've known yeah that would've been good

driving a car wow what a lesson that would be right year seven everyone in the car park how's he brought your own car stop bringing your own car little fucking davy i fucking got one don't worry about it i mean

in a levels what about how yes carl yes you did mean in a levels thank you for clearing that up what a silly suggestion if you were under 17 it it would be illegal to drive cars. Thanks for pulling me up on that one. What about learning to argue with the opposite sex? Well, that's going to be good for the young gay kids, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I don't even like women. I want to know how to call them smelly bitches. You've just assumed that it's for relationships

and not just in the street. You're just so... Basically, Adam's misogyny lesson. Adam's teaching this bit. Right, right, all the girls fucking in the corner. You're just so... Basically, Adam's misogyny lesson. Adam's teaching this bit. Right, right. All the girls fucking in the corner. It's 40. There's 40 in our funeral.

I'm not even smoking. Brazilian jiu-jitsu? Yeah, I do think... Yeah, that's a life's goal. I do think... That's for the women. Self-defense should be taught Not like Offensiveness

But defensiveness You know what I mean? Show us offense again Offensiveness But defensiveness That's how you block, innit? Wow Wow

That was clearly karate, but defensive karate. I was moving backwards slightly. He was the aggressor. How can I be? I'm moving backwards. Any other left wing? Politics. Do you?

A bit of politics. Why didn't we learn about politics? I got to A-level, chose politics. It was one of my favorite subjects i'd ever studied why don't you know about stuff like that oh fair enough you don't want to engage in it but part of the reason is i think people like what and that you only really learn about politics if you ask about when you're when you're purposeful isn't it yeah but like the language they use is purposefully confusing so you don't know what's going on i don't know if it's that confusing. Honestly, when you listen,

like there's some right honourable gentleman and all that shit that's a bit fusty, but it's not that advanced. It's more like the political spectrum, the parties. If you don't know about that, you can easily get to 25, 30 and be like, well, I don't give a fuck.

It'd be good to find out some stuff about that. What about how to handle an interrogation by a foreign government? Oh, like waterboarding? Yeah. In case you're off the course, like crossing a border. The amount of times I've been interrogated by a foreign nation and thought, fuck, I should have been taught this in school.

How to deal with it. How to deal with waterboarding. How not to talk. You should not have come to China. Why are you still doing that voice? Lad. Waterboard. That's amazing. You should not have come to China Why are you still doing that voice? Lad Waterboard That's not much of a waterboard is it?

Don't you go Don't you go Are you baptising them? Don't You got any gammon bitch? Ooh How to suck a dick No

Back to the languages thing you said Do Right And this might not be the right term For this group of people Okay Is it Inuits Buckle up everyone

Okay good Eskimos yeah Like people who live in that area Yeah right Do they have their own language I think they just bang ice cubes together They work it out Do they

I don't know yeah Yeah I'm going out. What time are you back? Six o'clock. Oh, fine. What was that? The only gay Eskimo.

I'm going out. They talk. Inuktitut. Yeah, they do. They definitely do. Inuktitut. Yeah. Inuktitut.

So this is what you're replacing Italian and Spanish with at school, is it? No way. Inuktitut. Is hello. Is ah, is it? No way. In a clip. Is hello. Is ah, Tee Lee. Right.

Could we have the telly on so we can see it? Yeah. I think it would just be great to learn that and then turn up and they're like, fucking hell, another fucking scouser. He's going to not know how to say anything here. And then you're just fluent in that. Just to surprise people. Another fucking scouser. He's going to not know how to say anything here. And then you're just fluent in that. Just to surprise people. Another.

Northern Greenland. Northern Greenland. There's literally three people every... What? It's Antarctica, isn't it? What? Just... What?

Are you being silly? Don't they live in Antarctica? No. No one lives in Antarctica. No one lives in Antarctica. Oh, the Arctic. Yep. Near Northern Greenland.

Right, there we go. That's where we were. That's where we were. Right, yeah. They did well at school. How many times are you going to show that skill off? Oh, there's loads. There's a Liverpool

supporters club yeah that's why they're like oh god more scousers hey lad he's learned it he knows the language

you can say hello yeah yeah ah titty hi ah titty hi oh titty hi ah titty hi yeah ah titty hi ah titty hi Ah, ti-ti-hi. Ah, ti-li-hi. Oh, ti-li-hi.

Ah, ti-li-hi. Yeah. Ah, ti-li-hi. Ah, ti-li-hi. Ah, ti-li-hi. Worst rhythm I've ever seen you attend. Ah, ti-li-hi. I can speak Inuit, but I can't clap for shit.

Should have learnt it at school. Clapping, that's for the remedial kids. Adam, yeah, don't worry about Spanish Adam Just keep clapping You guys are stupid I'm the best I'm going to the Antarctic

With this I'm going to make me some friends With some penguins I love this fucking job Alright let's have a break oh fuck it up a breakdown what's happening guys are you on board the cbd oil train yes whether you are or you aren't you should head to supreme cbd.uk one of the official sponsors of the have a word podcast, and get yourself some premium CBD oil product from gummy bears to the oil itself. This stuff has got a million uses. It can help with anxiety.

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made me nervous that when the power went off just then for no fucking reason. Mean or laggy. Just as we were about to hit record as well. Imagine if we'd done like half an hour of gold and we lost it. Yeah. And then I'd get an email like come on Dan, sort it out. I really don't

do production anymore. If you haven't noticed, we've had a producer and a producer's assistant for about eight months. I got like a snippy comment like, come on Dan, sort this out. You're like,

it genuinely isn't my job, mate. Yeah. But if the power goes off, it's all of our job because that's going to be shit. I'm here. I'm going on a little trip at the weekend.

Oh yeah? Yeah, going to Edinburgh with my girlfriend. Oh yeah, you're going on your little trip at the weekend. Are you? Yeah, going to Edinburgh with my girlfriend. Oh, yeah, you're going on your little weekend tripsies. Oh. And we're recording, are you having Monday at the moment? Tuesday.

Yeah, Tuesday. Nice. Nice. I need some time off from this. It's fucking brutal, isn't it? Day and a half a week. Wearing me down, man. You're wearing me down.

But I don't want to talk about that one, because I'm also going on a trip next weekend. Okay. Next weekend, I'm going away with my girlfriend, her dog, her mum and dad, and their dog. Wow. To a farm in Wales that has no electricity. What?

Why? Why the fuck are you doing that? Why? Because, do you know women? Right? Yeah. They're always taking you to farms in Wales with no electricity.

Yeah, that checks out. Classic. She's like, oh my God, you get like an authentic 1700s experience with a hot tub. 1700s, is that what she's going for? Did I also tell you about the, the weight thing?

I haven't told you about that yet, have I? Hang on. It's on the same thing. You can't skip over the, the weekend away in Wales with no electricity. Are you taking like a portable charger for your phone? I'm guessing.

100%. I'll come back. I promise you, I'll come straight back to that. Literally, he's going to back to that. Literally, he's going to walk into that rented cottage with all these batteries

taped on him like a fucking suicide bomber. Ask him, how are you going to do without power? I'm genuinely terrified of there being no signal. Dongle up your arse.

Right. Terrified. Terrified. In case what? In case like we got murdered on the farm and I can't ring anyone to tell them. Oh, well, that's the problem. That's what? In case like we got murdered on the farm and I can't ring anyone to tell them. Oh, that's the problem.

That's what you're doing. Just checking on them. We're going to be all right if I'm murdered. Just checking them all right if we're going to be murdered. You could do with a break, mate. Yeah. Switch your finger off.

No. Got to put a fucking fire TikTok up, haven't I? Oh, he's on TikTok. He's well addicted to TikTok. Follow Adam's TikTok atok at adam no comedian um anyway and the podcast tiktok he's loving this right saying it was for kids so we were in the living room the other day and because we're going on that trip sam was like oh my god there's this amazingly zip wire place would you go on it and i was like i was like i'll be scared but i'll do it

so that i don't look like a shithouse in front of you and your mum and dad. So, yeah, but I'm not going to be happy about it. And she was like, okay. And she was like, oh, hang on a minute. What do you weigh? And I was like about 14 stone at the minute. I'm around there, put like a little bit back on. I got down to like 13.3. But if I stress eat because there's no electricity,

I might be heavier by the time you strap me onto it. And I went 14 stone. And she went, what is that in kilograms? And I think it's 88. Will you just check that for me, Carl? Right. It's 88. the time you strapped me onto it i went 14 stone and she went what is that in kilograms and i think it's 88 will you just check that for me car right it's 80 at 88 and i went i went 88 since she went oh yeah it's fine then i went wash rent there's a maximum weight limit on the zip wires of 150 kilograms and i went you looked at me and thought I was 30 stone. Yeah.

I don't know a metric, but you do seem massive. I mean, there's only so much Welsh technology can do. Can you imagine being a five foot nine? A five foot nine? Five foot ten? Can you imagine that, yeah? Like, a slightly overweight man, and that being too much. Because I'm like the weight of the average six-foot man.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Can you imagine that being too much for a zip wire? Yeah, I'm going to... 150 kilograms is what? 30 stone? Well, it's about 27. Yeah.

It's not zip wire territory, is it? No. Once you get past 20 stone, I mean, there's a lot you can do. Yeah. There's a lot you can't. 23 stone. 150 kilograms is 23 stone. It's fat.

Yeah. Not necessarily. Could just be a very large person. An offensive lineman. Yeah. Or a really, really, really tall woman. Yeah. How tall?

Nine foot tall. How fucking tall? Nine foot tall. How fucking tall? I don't, I really don't find it funny making jokes about tall women. That's not good for tall people, that. No. If tall Twitter are coming for us again.

Honestly. Tall lady Twitter. Yeah. But I'm going to a farm at Nolecky. But there's a hot tub. So that's good, isn't it? And how's that? You have to pay for the there's a hot tub. So that's good, isn't it? And how's that? You have to pay for the extra for the hot tub.

Over cold. What? Over cold. That's a real 17th century experience. Don't get in the hot tub. In the 1600s, they were always in hot tubs. Well known fact. They were like, Liz!

The Spanish Armada's on the coast. What are you going to do about it? Give us fucking 10 minutes. I'm in the old hot tub it's a wood fired it's a wood fired hot tub I really fucked my dates up on that one the Armada was like 1583

I'm surprised Carl didn't correct you sorry ah yeah see that would have been funny if you got it right right let's just cut that out like in the civil war bloody hell the parliamentarians are coming.

It's not as good. It's a wood-fired hot tub. You get one bag of wood free with your stay and you have to bring the rest with you. So that's next week. We're going next Friday. What wood are you taking? What?

What wood are you taking? So I've bought an axe and I'm going to Sefton Park next Thursday. I'm going to cut down a few trees. Against the law against the law only if you get caught yeah that's that's true of everything isn't it oh no that's right still against the law yeah you can't murder kids yeah only if you get caught otherwise you're just active it's against the law to steal pebbles off a beach really yeah you can't steal pebbles off a beach that's against the law it's not stealing if you just find it though is it on a beach yeah the difference between finding a pebble on a beach and stealing a pebble from a beach is

you can't steal a pebble a balaclava you can't steal a pebble yeah i mean you go to asda and find an xbox i can't be asked paying for wood when there's so much wood available for free. Why don't you take the axe to Wales, where I think they'll not... If you're in rural Wales and you start just hacking it, like, you know, in a forest, in a famous Welsh forest. Because...

I think Sefton Park might cause you issues. No, here's the thing. Adam walking around with a fucking axe in Liverpool. Like, hey, is that Adam Rowe with an axe? Fucking hell. No, here's the thing Adam Rowe with an axe? Fucking hell. No, here's the thing. He can't steal pebbles, him. So the place,

the place that you were going to to give you one free bag of wood and they're like, right, the rest of the bags. You meant to go and buy the bags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either bring the rest yourself or fucking three grand the bag.

Right? About six quid. But yeah, yeah. Yeah, but like, they're meant to be like three quid in the bag right about six quid but yeah yeah yeah but like they're meant to be like three quid in the B&M so they're still

like big mark why didn't you go to B&M on the way because it'll be cheaper to buy an axe and just spend the day in the park

no no not really how much is an axe I've already got the axe have you got an axe yeah where did you get that from I got it from me and

Q about a year ago it's under my bed take the axe to the people with the wood yeah and go giz the fucking wood yes mate yes I got it from me and Cuba about a year ago it's under my bed take the axe to the people with the wood yeah and go giz the fucking wood yes mate

yes it's quite easy less weight yeah I've got an axe under my bed it's next to my baseball bat if anyone ever breaks in I throw them the baseball bat

so it's a fair fight and then I run at them with the axe cool wow have you not got any weapons Seneca has a big screwdriver what a big screwdriver a big screwdriver a big screwdriver so they can she sort the fucking table out yeah i'm gonna unscrew your shotgun

i can't shoot me now it's all apart i've got not on me i just i am so mesmerized by you away for the weekend with no power just knowing how you are and I just don't know how that's going to go I know you've done like I have actually bought six you've done a super there's going to be so many arguments we bought this so we could be closer to nature

and do a 17th century experience like six power banks she's going to really wind her up well shean like six power banks she's gonna really wind her up well she asked for two power banks because she wanted

them as well power banks what happens when they run out well I'm hoping the six will last the weekend what if they don't

what if they don't when are you going away Friday coming back Sunday night what are you doing on your phone to fucking blitz

through six batteries? No, he doesn't know, but he's being careful, isn't he? He's being careful. He's being careful. I cannot wait. I don't want that to just get... I want you to come back and do the full report. Because I know you...

I know you've only done four months, but you've done a supercharged four months, haven't you, as a relationship. But it's strained, that. It's strained. I know you've got to be on four months, haven't you, as a relationship. But it's strained that. It's strained. I know you've got to be on best behaviour because her parents are there and everyone's having fun.

Oh, they're not staying on the exact same site that we are. They're the one over because they didn't want to pay for the hot tub. And we were like, fuck you. And you can bang as well. Yeah, okay. So you're not in the same 17th century house. No, it's not a house. It's like a little

cabin. It's also like glamping. Do you know what glamping is? It's like glamorous camping. Yeah, thanks. It's not glamorous. Thanks for that 2012. Do you know what glamping is? It's not glamorous. You don't get electricity. Yeah, yeah. If they call it camping, it's £5 for a bag of wood.

If they call it glamping, it's £8.50. That's the difference between... I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm just going to sit in the hot tub for three days. wood. If they call it glamping, it's £8.50. That's the difference between. I'm looking forward to it. I think I'm just going to sit in my hot tub for three days. I'm looking forward to it. I think it's going to be really good. You're looking forward to

wasting the time to come back home? Yeah. I can't wait to come back. Do you ever have that? I'm looking forward to it, but I can't wait to come back. I'm already on that Sunday afternoon. I remember Joe Roggan talking about going uh hunting because he's a he's big into hunting isn't he does bow

hunting and he goes with his mates like he's kills elk become instant become yeah he gets tags and he does it all properly and um he was saying that there's been times where they're in the middle of this uh hunt where they're out away and like is it the uticon or what the fuck is it called like the the like the the outback in north america like into canada and everything and it's freezing and you're like you're all the food you've got is in your backpack and you've got your bow and you and you're trying to trail some deer or something and you're absolutely freezing and it's all worthwhile for that moment when you get back and you get to just like have warm water

because you've been so cold and it's been so bleak and you've been so hungry and the wind's been biting and your dick's shriveled and your fingers hurt and it's all worthwhile. You get an inhalation when you get back and there's warm water and you get to lie in a bed and you're like, yeah. Or just lay in the bed for the whole time and be like, oh, this is dead nice. No, because it's not the same thing. It's like wearing a coat indoors. You won't feel a benefit when you go outside. That old adage.

Do you know what it's like? So you want to feel dreadful to then feel good. It's like when people say now. It's like when you don't wank for three days so that the cum feels better on Wednesday. That's the one. Right. That's what I was going to say What you now know is that when Adam starts wanking bands It's at the start of the week

You don't just start a wanking band on Thursday Like a fucking weirdo Do you know what it's like? It's like people now going Oh my god, thank fuck it's the weekend I'm like, yeah It's like it's like people now going oh my god thank fuck it's the weekend I'm like yeah it's like every day

is the weekend right now yeah not for everyone though eh that's what I mean that's what I mean for me I feel like if I had a job where I was like

I fucking hate today I'd be like yeah it's the fucking weekend now I'm like it's just the same as yesterday it's called Saturday yeah right well

I'm really looking forward to I think I've taken Finn to vlog it and vlog the shagging as well I really looking forward to it. I think I've taken Finn to vlog it. And vlog the shagging as well. I'm looking forward to looking into Finn's eyes when you tell him he's going to a cabin in Wales to vlog you run out of power. Which means he lives in a cabin in Wales, doesn't he?

He could just drive home. I mean, he lives in Wales, but I love it how real. They're all cabins. We've had a really sound email in from a guy called callum who's blind in response to uh last week's banter about guide dogs guide dogs because i got a little bit twitchy i was like are we gonna get shit we didn't get shit everyone loved it he says just listen to the recent episode with freddie you made me piss myself laughing and that was just a blind joke so i'm 28 blind and i've recently been accepted on the waiting list

for my first guide dog. Unfortunately, I don't get to name the dog, so there won't be a guide dog in Liverpool named Kobe. If you get any hate or snowflake keyboard warrior sponges about the blind stuff on the pod, please ignore it, as this is support for you lot, your work, from a word as original. Appreciate you. Honestly, I would be well up for the lids coming and seeing please ignore it as this is support for you lot your work from a word as original appreciate you honestly

I would be well up for the lids coming and seeing what a guide dog actually does and how they are trained at work think it'd be hilarious

watching Adam try to make a cup of tea with limited sight goggles on although we all know he'll smash it so Callum is offering

if it was in my house and you put a blindfold on me I could make a cup of tea no problem right can we do that Adam six weeks away from being boss of being blind Callum is offering if it was in my house and you put a blindfold on me I could make a cup of tea no problem right can we do that Adam's six weeks away from being boss

of being blind I wonder if that would be I wonder if that would be fair because a blind person lives in their house so they know it

but a blind person that's truly blind hasn't seen it with sight so that's a bit of a cheat blind people don't live in their neighbours. They don't live.

Two little clothes. They don't live in their cousin's house. They live in their own house. Apart from the ones who don't. Like people who can see. They've got a home of their own. But they've never seen it. They've never.

You have. Unless they went blind after they moved in what do you reckon's worse paintball and accident classic what do you reckon's worse always being blind or going

like you've turned blind what do you reckon would be like harder it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all yeah that's what Callum says at the end of his email

just re-watch it like being blind he says it's better to have seen and lost than never to have seen This is just what Callum said Amazing

So Callum I really want I think it was Gandhi who said it Yeah David Gandhi No it was Sol Campbell It was Sol Campbell

One of the two You don't even know The difference though do you It's difficult for you To tell the difference You know because you Can't see colour I don't see creed

Colour Gandhi played Centre half For Tottenham and Arsenal Yeah Honestly for you to tell the difference. You know, because you can't see colour. Don't see creed, colour. Gandhi played centre-half for Tottenham and Arsenal. Yeah. Honestly, the Tottenham fans when Gandhi signed on a free contract to Arsenal,

they burnt effigies of him. Yeah. And in Pakistan, they fucking ate Saul Campbell. And if you don't think that's funny, sort your fucking life out.

Pakistani fucking H. Saul Campbell. If that is not the no context I'm aware of this week, I'm going to be very disappointed. So Ben adds to this. He's been thinking about being deaf. He says, what's the point of sign language interpreters? He's been thinking about being deaf. Cheers.

Ben has, yeah. What's the point? Ben says- Go deaf. Ben, try me ask the fucking question. Ben says, I love it when he's in this mood.

He's thinking about getting a new car and going deaf. Where do blind people live? In their house? I've been thinking about going deaf for a while now. Ben says, what's the point of the sign language interpreters on TV? Couldn't they just use subtitles?

Because it's the only TV they're used for. Like Netflix use subtitles and that always works. Might be a stupid question, but it was just a thought. And I was like, yeah, that's a good point. Why are the why are the little fucking

Midnight Ravers still going why don't they just have subtitles on I think it's for tone like you can write like

gobshite like let's say gobshite I'd love to see this let's say this is John right let's see

it's not opening the doors? John. John. Right. What? What? What a generic one for John. John.

He's a very open person. John. Bit of a slag. John. Doesn't want to go to gay clubs. You don't want to take John to gay clubs. Let's say this is John. He's actually racist, but this doesn't work anymore.

John. This is John. John. So if that let's say this is John. He's actually racist, but this doesn't work anymore. John. This is John. John. So if that was a- He's a flight attendant. John. If that was subtitles, it'd just say John.

But if you're a sign language, let's say the person and it's shouting, then you can be a bit more, John! Use capitals. Subtitles are normally capitals anyway They just capitalise everything

No they don't No they don't A lot of the time they do No they don't No because it's harder for the human brain To read a word fully That's why road signs are lowercase Well sometimes they do anyway

Have we got Is it Is it just Fine yeah they do Yeah it's not true but Good on you Adam John John How does he do a whisper Fine, yeah, they did. Yeah, it's not true, but good on you, Adam. John!

John! How did he do a whisper? Little John? That's for Robin Hood. All right, couldn't resist. He's not dancing. John! John!

You've got to watch how you dance, haven't you? If you're Dev, you've got to watch how you dance. If you just get really into the clapping, there's a guy called John going, what? What? This happens every wedding. What?

Trying to fuck a bridesmaid here. YMCA. John! John! At the start of YMCA, every chorus to YMCA, John Matthew Cardam. Oh, my God.

Right, well, Ben, I hope that's answered your fucking question. What was the question? Oh, the deaf one. We have had a question in from a lad called Nicholas. Hey, Uplids. I've seen that there's going to be a new Roffle comedy venue opening in Sheffield. Wondering if you two will be on the bill sometime in near future. As an OG listener, I've always had the impression Sheffield

is not one of your favourite gigs. Don't blame you, Snake Pass is a fucking nightmare. Always thought it was a strange one, as there is loads of music going on events-wise, but never understood why comedy has been left behind. I know there has been a few comedy gigs at the Leadmill, but as this is a historic music venue, comedy has never really taken off.

Do you think this may change with the introduction of Raffle? Never been a huge fan of live comedy myself, but as a massive fan of the pod, will Defo give this new venue a go if you're on? My tour show is going to be at the Lead Mill in April next year. That'll go on sale soon. I probably won't end up playing Roffle just because I had a falling out with the owner a while back,

and I'm not going to slag him off because he's a boxer. I think we can talk about Lee Jones, you know. I was thinking about it as this question came in. I was like, the Sheffield thing, the reason I put it in is quite a shop question, but we get loads of feedback saying people love talking about us talking about comedy. And this isn't just about material. This is specifically about Sheffield. Sheffield is one of the weirdest cities for circuit comedy in the country. It's at the same time time really well sort of served by um and i love the fact that nicholas has no idea the memorial hall has got a comedy club as our last

laugh last laugh's been going for 20 years in sheffield town centre toby foster uh runs it owns it he did he does bbc radio sheffield i think he He'll know Toby Foster's name if he's from Sheffield. Yeah. So they've run a gig there that has been successful. I don't think it's as busy as it was. I think they've run it in a very weekend comedy club fashion, haven't they? Like, we've talked about it before.

It's very much like big parties, and I think they've lost some of the regular punters and it's it's not as busy as it was no and there's also a a little bit of uh and i i don't want to speak too i was a ternia but there's a little bit of the old sort of jonglers booking policy there of there's some acts who are friends with the bookers and the owners, and the bookers and the owners are like, these are my friends and I need to keep giving them work, who are just those bitter comics we've mentioned before

who are a bit dead behind the eyes and just don't do as well as they used to. You can then go on and have... I've been on bills there where you're like, this is lightning. This is a fire bill. Because Toby Foster, when he's tuned in, is phenomenal.

When he can't be arsed, sometimes you can tell personally, as someone who's watched him for 20 years, when he can't totally be arsed. But when they've got like Rob Rouse and Andrew Bird and me on a bill, I'm like, this is as good as any bill I'll be on. But there aren't loads of them. There's more when you're on a bill, I'm like, this is as good as any bill I'll be on. But there aren't loads of them.

There's more when you're on a bill going, it's not great. I've definitely told you this. I don't know whether I've told you this on pod, but last time or the time before I was there, I went outside to go on my phone because you don't get any signal in the Memorial Hall. It's a beautiful building.

And Toby come out to have a ciggy. And he was talking about like, you know, the lads in liverpool they're doing really well he's 40 oh thank you um the thing is it is that is one of the absolute ask any comedian to do an impression of toby foster oh thank you thanks very much thank you they do their weird bernard manning which is more toby Toby Foster and he was like he basically sort of was like how do I get this

place to be what Hot Water is we're going to start filming the gigs we're going to start doing this and I was like

well can I be brutally honest with you and I won't say it was on the bill because it's not fair but I was like what the bill like

you've got me in the middle and I'm the best act on the bill. And you've got your mate closing, your mate opening, and... Yeah. It's like... And he was like, yeah, well, you know,

they've played here for a long time. I was like, there comes a point, though, where you've got to put your business over loyalty because they're just not doing the business anymore. But if you have massive parties in from Barnsley, Rotherham, and it's feisty, it's easy to be a defensive booker in it to go, Oh,

well, they just, they, all of these acts do a job and do a job, do a job. No, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no. Can go so wrong. No,

cause I'm not really having that cause I'm not talking. I'm not defending that stance. I think that's how they look at it. No. Yeah. But that's wrong. Cause I'm not talking about the act to have been doing the same material for 20 years and still do the job i'm talking about the

ones who don't anymore so why are they booking them because they're mates because it's loyalty and i sort of understand it but they're not it's not like they're going well this guy's amazing at dealing with crowds he isn't anymore like those acts i totally understand why they're still yeah because they go on into a room full of stags and go, hey, what, it's Jono's stag, dude. Jono's a cunt, and goes bleh. And they've still got the energy and the delivery to pass that off. But the people who are just going on and doing jokes about their wife,

who they've been divorced from for 12 years, and they can't really be asked, my kid's five and seven, stupid name. She's got a degree. Yeah, it feels like we're being a little bit, my kids five and seven stupid names she's got a degree erm I told yeah it feels like we're being a little bit

we're probably flying quite close to the sun on this one in terms of like we're specifically talking about clubs I have had some amazing times

at the last laugh and I think the Lescar is a great gig but there have been some times when I'm like this isn't good

this I'm not slagging them when I'm like this isn't good this I'm not slagging them off I'm really not because I do understand it and this is not something that I haven't said to them

do you know what I mean I'm not talking behind anyone's back and I love playing there and I'll play it again next year if they'll have me like

they've been very territorial though haven't they as well which ever sits well you can't have a gig there you can't have a gig there you can't have a gig there we've got a gig here you're like

it's a city that serves hundreds and thousands of people I really really really like Toby and I would like that gig to rejuvenate and run forever

because it deserves it because of the room and the decades of work he's put into it but there is a danger that a club like Roffle could open and go with a bit fresher like a slightly more he's put into it but there is a danger that a club like raffle could open and go

with a bit fresher like a slightly more he's tenacious is lee yeah like i i've had a phone out with him but he is he needs to calm down on the internet man he needs to calm down because people get chippy with him and it's the initial response is yeah don't worry about it we'll do what we do you don't wait to be, he's got a very successful model, and it's part hot water, and he's given it everything. And I've played that gig in Newcastle Underline. You hear Purpose Built Comedy Club just outside Stoke, and you think, well, that will be shit.

And it is fucking great. It looks good. It's smart. It's nice sight lines. It's the way they've done the decor is individual to it. They are really going to work it out. They've now got Preston, Derby. They've got Sheffield.

And they're expanding. But he's so defensive. And there's always that line of like, you see it. He's never threatening people. But it's always like, yeah, all right. Well, we'll do things how we want to do them. You do things how you want to do them you do things how you want to do them

and if you want to discuss this somewhere we can arrange to meet up and you're like Lee you're a former boxer you can't do

passive aggressive I'll meet you around the back of the bike shed if you don't fucking like what I do on Facebook in a rare defense of Lee because as I say there was a bit of

spiking as there was between me and him he does openly admit that he's a bit tetchy because he's been punched in the head a lot. Do you know what I mean? Oh, well, that's fine. That does affect your mood if you're there. He's been abused, grade B.

Is that grade B, abused? Double jabbers. It doesn't count. Oh, that's seeing it. He's got guns. I don't think it counts of abuse if you get in the ring with another fight. Guns, knives, baton and then punching

he runs really successful comedy clubs but he has been hit with a baton and that was the end of his career it was a weird fight

I just for Sheffield I think the ideal situation is because the Leadmill are a music venue nightclub

that do some really good alternative to the sort of Friday Saturday night last laugh and I the guys that run it i think red redmond's involved and they run it the one on a wednesday is a superb gig loads of students they can live with each other i think raffle the ideal is that raffle start in sheffield and it's close to Last Laugh and they ignite the energy in Sheffield with comedy and maybe get a bit of a scene going with younger comics

because one of the problems with cities like Sheffield is there isn't a lot of places where a young community of comics like happened with me when I was growing up as a comic in Manchester, like you, when all of you guys were starting in Liverpool, that really cultivates a scene and then five years down the line

it's like a youth system at a football club you've got some first team players and it helps the potential problem is going to be they fuck each other over

and it gets nasty so it's going to be an interesting one to watch yeah if you play there you can't play here if you play there you can't play here

right and if it does kick off and they fight I would like watch yeah if you play there you can't play here that's you play there you can't play here right and if it does kick off and they fight i would like to see that i'd like to be booked in sheffield to see that fight we'll promote it have a way of promotions do you not think you could sort it with ruffle because he he he seems he seems pretty it's weird because he was weird with me when i first played there because he sent me an me when I first played there, because he sent me an email about how you enter the venue, and I just went up the main entrance,

and me meeting him after people had been gone, he's a bit, he's interesting, bit spiky, sound, good gig, but a bit like, you've got to be careful.

I don't care, I've been doing it long enough. I walked in and he went, first time I've ever met him, he went, ah, I see you did not read my email. I do not like comedians

to come in the main entrance. I think it looks bad. We were within earshot of customers. You feel like going, this looks worse though, don't it? You bollocking, you're opening act. I probably could fix it with him,

but I can't be arsed. Do you want to do it here? Do you want to do it? Lee, if you want to book me, send me an email and I'll think fix it with him, but I can't be arsed. Do you want to do it here? Do you want to do it? Lee, if you want to book me, send me an email, and I'll think about it. I think he'll think about it. And if he doesn't want to book you, where can he meet you outside? You can meet me for a fight.

Oh, a fight? A fight. Where? On the Cindy. On the Cindy, outside Cardinal Heenan.y outside cardinal heena but i'm bringing guns other people some of your muslim friends yeah yeah because that's what you learned about and you know ramadan it was a callback all right cool i feel like i knew what you were doing there but i felt like they didn't all right i'm on call but just just clarify that okay and let's move on okay break time let's

get uncle roger in uncle roger uncle roger from youtube you want to keep talking or stop talking hey listen to this this podcast have a you, is sponsored by Beer52.com and we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor and I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam?

Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month's worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something.

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and a little tasty snack as well. And also, it helps us out. You support our sponsors. They support us. This thing can keep going. We can keep the Have A Weird gravy train on the fucking track. So go to beer52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some bevies fern notting what a tall hey welcome okay no you don't know you're do you know what like we've

never done it before you you you you you uh hi welcome back there you go that was it cool we have got nigel yes in the building really lent on the press the button down oh sorry i'll be a pause button yeah thank you thank you thanks for coming in of course man yeah i'm a fan of the pod yeah confuses me having a a Malaysian friend called Nigel. Yeah, well, we fucked up, man. We chose all these old school British names because we were colonized by Britain, right? England, I guess at the time. And then you guys left us in 1957.

So all our names are still from that era, you know? Like Harold's, Collins. I know Asian Keith's, Asian Nigel's, a lot of Asian. My brother's name is Gary. Malaysian Gary. Sounds like an amazing drug. Have you ever had a Malaysian Gary?

I dream of a Malaysian Gary. You should come back and colonize us now. So we can have like Emma, Sophia, you know, cool names zachary so malaysia's just like one great big old people's home but with loads of young people amazing charles what a thing to leave what a legacy to leave just loads of blokes called gary and keith i know thank you the british empire thank you so much so

are you telling me right now there could be a baby being born in malaysia and a malaysian woman is looking at it and going keith winston because that's not even happening here anymore baby keith oh um how are you how is how was the pandemic treated you and you were saying before you enjoyed you you trained you and you're up because you're like traveling again yeah this is my first train I've taken since the pandemic man so you've been abroad haven't you didn't you go to Sweden for a bit I went I went there you know uh just to podcast with my uh Swedish podcast co-host so yeah Evelyn Mock very funny you didn't just go you know, just to podcast with my Swedish podcast co-host. So yeah, Evelyn Mock. Very funny.

You didn't just go, you know what? There's a pandemic. I'm going to fucking Sweden. Well, like there was, I like the style. Like, you know. Yeah. It's for work. Right.

Okay. And restaurants, but mostly work. They never had a lockdown, you know? Yeah. So they just kept it open. And it sort of panned out. Did they do that all the way through at one point it looked like they were gonna go it got more and more restrictive i think now there's an 8 p.m curfew right but when i went

everything was still open till 10 it was nice everything here was closed there's never been a full lockdown in sweden they've never done a full lockdown, have they? No, yeah. And are they okay? Nope. Are they in the shit now? Yeah, yeah. It's tough now. Now that we are coming out of it, they are really struggling. I imagine, did you feel safe over there? Because like...

I mean, from COVID or from other crime? I felt safe from knife crime. Swedish people don't look like they're established, you know? They're too rich and beautiful to, you know, carry knives around, I think. That's our I'll say from knife crime. Swedish people don't look like they'll stab you, you know? They're too rich and beautiful to, you know, carry knives around, I think. That's our problem. Yeah. There's too many minkers.

Too many poor minkers. You haven't got any money. I'm going to stab someone. Yeah, run corn on the other hand. You never get stabbed by a 10, do you? No. I'll happily be stabbed by a 10, right? That's the closest a 10 will ever get to me

that's a nice length distance away no but like did you not like give a shit that they were open and stuff because like at the start of the pandemic we've talked about this a lot i shit myself like a bit of health anxiety i was like fuck i'm staying in i'm not going near my dad i'm just gonna chill i need to chill a bit i think that was april till july of 2020 yeah that was your freak out period survived it and i was like i'll be okay yeah yeah and then and sweden too they they they kind of naturally socially distance as well that's their stereotype right they're not very friendly sociable people and there are so few people there you know in stockholm it's just there's so much space everywhere it's hard to contract anything yeah in Sweden I think the perception over here is maybe this is just mine that the all the

Scandinavian countries are really like sensible people and just quite so if they're like there's a pandemic so you don't want to shut any shops you just got to stand a bit apart from everyone and like of course I will that's that's just sensible and then they do it and over here everyone's like you don't tell me not to lick my nana fuck you Bujo I'll lick all the pensioners

I fucking want you fucking Tory I just that it was over there they were like well of course

you just give everyone the distance and wear a mask but obviously we don't want the fucking Ikea to be closed that was so bad

I'm sorry it was racist but it was white on white racism you should have stopped at licking scouts I don't want the fucking Ikea to be closed. That was so bad. I'm sorry. It was racist, but it was white on white racism. You should have stopped at Lick and Scouse Dance. There was a peak and you were like, no, I can talk now. Keep tagging it. Keep tagging it.

You've had quite a spectacular year though online with the content you've been putting out as your character, Uncle Roger. Yeah. Now, I've got a question for you i've got a question okay i often just to myself i could be in i watch your videos all the time i love them i'll be in the house on my own having a shit cooking and i will just do an uncle roger impression now is that racially insensitive given the fact that he's fictional i don't think so i think everybody should do any accent they want you know yeah but you can't do it on youtube

is that the difference you said worse things on this pod yeah he has he% He has watched A lot of the guests come on and go Oh, I'm a big fan Turns out, Nigel has No, I'm a big fan because you say those crazy things You know Where else can you get

Fucking the Queen on BBC Sounds You're not going to get that No, we can pitch it I did pitch a sketch recently To a producer I'm talking to. It's called Vegan Slave Owner. Slapping a sausage roll out of a kid chained to a radiator.

You know, I think it's funny. But nobody wanted it. They're like, it's a little risky, Nigel. It's a little risky. We'll make it. Vegan Slave Owner. Here he comes. The Roncorns Rupert Murdoch over here. It's a little risky, Nigel. It's a little risky. We'll make it. It's a legal slave owner. Here he comes.

The runcon's Rupert Murdoch over here. This is a really dodgy empire he sees before him. And then there is a mock interview style and the person goes, slavery gets a bad rap, but you have to have slaves of different races. That's the solution. That's the solution. That is the solution. Yeah. Equal opportunity slaves. That's the solution. That's the solution. That is the solution.

Yeah. Equal opportunity slaves. Equal opportunity slaves. Always difficult when you're talking about race and then solution, isn't it? That's always a little nervy when people are like...

Let's start hiring slaves the way Mochtowik booked their lineups. One of each. Book their lineups. One of each. Oh, this slave had a great Edinburgh. Let's get him up there.

Every time. Oh my God. every time oh my god no one wants to talk everyone's like maybe we should just stop laughing before we try and end our career that honestly sounds like a fucking unreal sketch to me I'd be quite happy to start and they went but aren't you at the point

where you're just making your own stuff now? Haven't you? It feels like we've cracked the code a little bit because without agents, without sponsors at the start, we did this, we got chemistry, we've got like our best mate,

we've got producers. I'm not so harsh on Finn. Yeah. We've got Finn, but we've got above like that point where you go, oh, now we've got the funding to do what we want to do and only on a small scale, but we're getting there. Surely you're now at the point with everything you've done

with Uncle Roger and all your other YouTube stuff that you're like, oh, you don't like the sketch. Well, fuck it. I'm going to make the sketch. And, like, you've got a platform. Yeah, I plan to. I'm just also occupied with Uncle Roger videos. It's just a time thing.

I need to find, instead of me shooting it by myself, everything need to find like a someone to shoot it for me you know a production company whatever but yeah i can no you need it you need a car somewhere you need a car that's what you need yeah yeah but i can't and i plan to and i plan nobody's commissioning this vegan slave owner the sketch even my podcast co-host evelyn who likes everything i do is she was like yeah let's not pitch that to comedy central okay that's basically you get to a point where you're dave chappelle and you've got the following and like he can just go yeah i'm gonna do this like every step of that ladder is i can't i want to do that am going to do this. Every step of that ladder is, I want to do that.

I want to do that sketch. But I'm worried someone is going, oh, you can't do this. Or representation. The dream is to get to that point where you're like, oh, go fuck yourself. This is exactly the sketch I want to do. Because people want it. Yeah. We had Chris Washington in a couple of weeks ago.

And he pitched to Comedy Central a while back the idea for him and a co-host, which in ago and he pitched to Comedy Central a while back the idea to for him and a co-host which in his pitch he pitched me to go and review all the best takeaways in the country

and Comedy Central were like yeah maybe we'll think about maybe at some point yeah and I think we're just going to make it

do it yeah we're just going to take Chris in a van and give Carl a camera and just go to every chippy we can get recommended

by people in different cities and I'm so thick that i think it's a great idea because i want some takeaway that's great i mean part of it is the project and part of it is like the journey together and trying to put out an exciting content but at the same time i'm like i fucking love kebabs so yeah and i think when you make it yourself there's so much freedom to it. You do whatever the fuck you want. You say whatever you want. You don't have to be like, Oh, I need,

will this get past the producer, the commissioner? Oh my God. Yeah. It's why we keep refusing to join a network with this. We'll get you on the network. I'm like, yeah,

but then we've got a boss. Oh, I see. And then I can't do uncle Roger on YouTube. You can do it in this episode. Let's all do it. Let's all do it. Let's all do it. Yeah.

I don't give a shit. Every time. Yeah. Adam loves it. He's like brilliant. Someone from a different ethnicity than mine. And it's like a fucking free pass to be like, yay, it's fine.

Maybe Nigel should do it first. And then I try. And then you're copying then aren't you? Okay. Yeah, you're not then, aren't you? Okay. Yeah, you're not racist. You're an impressionist. It's not racist. It's a talent. All right.

Was he impressionism? No. No, he wasn't an impressionist. I was off the court. I took a shot. A bad one. Is he not an impressionist? He wasn't an impressionist. I was off the court to the side. I took a shot. A bad one. Is he not an impressionist?

He wasn't an impressionist, no. Name an impressionist then. Monet. I thought you were gonna say Jim Carrey or something. If anyone does that. Okay. All right. Could you say something as Uncle Roger

and then I copy it? Yeah, yeah. Is that okay? Hi, Uncle Roger just got to run con everywhere. So shit. What a shithole. Hi. Something like that. I'm terrified.

I can tell Nigel's really warming to run con. Yeah. Anyone picking up the really subtle hints that he's thinking about getting a second property? You can't even get sparkling water here, you know? You asked for sparkling water when you arrived. Do you know what? I do want to take the piss out of it, but sparkling water with a bit of ice and lemon,

I'm into that. Yeah. Like sparkling water from a lukewarm bottle. Nah. It tastes like tele-static. It tastes... I do want to take the piss out of it, but it's actually really lovely with ice and lemon. Well, you've lost your platform to take the piss out of it but it's actually really lovely with ice

and lemon well you've lost your platform to take the piss out of it yeah fucking really tory unless it's a summer day at the tennis club and then i love a perrier um right okay yeah okay good start Right. Okay. Okay. Good start. Hi, I'm called Roger. It's uncle Roger. Yeah. Uncle Roger just got run on everything shit. Have a podcast. Hi.

My toes are careless. I think he was going to start doing the patron advert. Patron. Have a word, pal. Is that okay? Yeah, it's not bad. It's not bad. Play the clap. Is it a plaster pop okay yeah it's not bad it's not bad play the clap is it fair to say nigel that uh when you go on stuff people want you to do the voice of uncle roger but i don't think on a lot of interviews you'll ever get the person doing the interview

doing the voice back at you and that's really where we differentiate ourselves from a lot of the internet. Oh, that's good. Let me do my version. This is how you should do it. What are you doing? I was... What was that?

I was like... What? That's the offensive one. My eyes were watering. I was like, what? That's the offensive one. My eyes were watering. My eyes were watering, so I was going, oh, that's an eye-warring moment. And then I feel like I've made everything worse.

Well, short one today. Not after we do a 13-minute section, but I think it's best. Should we do the apology while we're doing the episode? I just want to say. We can barely say. Do the apology as Uncle Roger. That's what you should do. Uncle Roger won't apologize.

So sorry, hiya niece and nephew. You get offended for what? So pussy, so pussy. Niece and nephew be crying all the time. That was really offensive. No, no, no. The more he does it, the more it does become offensive. Thanks for travelling up for this.

You were like, oh God, it's great to travel for comedy again. Hong Kong. Holy shit. And so you live in Malaysia as well. Are you half Malaysia, half London? That was a hard left. What a segue.

What do you want to do? No, it's fine. I mean, we can go around until everyone's racially insensitive. Ben, your turn. Although you're half Malaysian, probably. No, I grew up in Malaysia. I'm from there.

But I'm not half Malaysian. i'm full malaysian are you full malaysian yeah yeah yeah then i went i went to the u i went to uni in the us and then moved here in 2015 what university did you go to northwestern where's that near chicago oh wow yeah it's okay i feel like i knew that actually i think because yeah yeah we mean we've met before adam so once or twice yeah yeah and Adam opens those conversations where did you go to university in the

in the states oh northwestern what did you study what did you study engineering and philosophy and just didn't want to do it I did it for a while it's a day job

but comedy is more fun right yeah you did philosophy no no engineering philosophy no jobs there that's a day job

it's a philosophy shut up I'm thinking what is the nature of this table do they how do you build a bridge but what's the point that's the problem do they cross over one side to the other it's all very logical yeah yeah yeah it's all very rigorous scientific you know yeah yeah just me and you that was like episode four all over again just me and you on that

I think we forgot what was happening there that's going to be a brutal edit for Carl as he's like there's literally

two conversations going on two conversations on one screen did you ever get into the campus sports and everything

did you ever go and watch because North Western got a pretty decent college football team is it really rah rah and he was an offensive linesman yeah yeah yeah yeah uh i went to a few wasn't it wasn't my thing i was spending i was i already started doing stand-up at that time so when people are socializing with the football games i was taking the train from the suburb of chicago down to chicago to do an open mic. So I started doing stand-up in 2011.

What's the stand-up scene like in Chicago? It's nice. It's growing. I would say it's similar to like Bristol vibes. You know, people are friendly. They know each other, but eventually people move to New York or LA. Yeah, yeah. Whenever I think of America,

obviously Texas has now become a bit of a comedy hub because of all the people that are moving there. Woo! Obviously, Texas has now become a bit of a comedy hub because of all the people that are moving there. Woo! But when I think of like, oh, I want to go to America and do stand-up, I think I'll go to New York for the weekend,

I'll go to LA for the weekend and fuck off. But I sort of forget that every city in America has probably got a fucking great comedy club or two or three where it's probably worth checking out. But Chicago's as well isn't it yeah chicago's a huge city like you can't be underestimated like it's is it the third biggest city in the states it must be close is it like it is it is pretty massive you have a jamie is finn your jamie and they're both are jamie really but finn's editing at the minute so carl's carl's like a third host that we get to check stuff while we uh correct daniel it is the third largest city in

the united states new york la chicago yeah yeah um what and what do they do you just get five minutes do you like is it exactly like like uh open mics there let Let me think. No, you, you, you go to a place. If the open mic starts at eight, I would go to a place at seven just to start queuing to sign up for spots. And I'm already like, it's already 10, 15 people in, people in, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's very competitive. You have to queue to get on.

Yeah. To sign up. Yeah. I've not told you about those spots in New York. Have you done gigs in New York? Uh, yeah, a couple. Nothing's big though. When I, when I went out to New York, I you done gigs in New York? Yeah, a couple. Nothing's big though. When I went out to New York,

I'm sure I've mentioned this to you before and it will have been on this obviously, but the way they do it over there, like I book most of the people on the bill or everyone on the bill is, you know, you've got your 15 minute spots or your 10 minute, whatever you've been given. And then they have the thing called the check spot.

So people turn up at seven for the show that starts at eight and they put their names down so let's say it's you me and nigel and you're there first i'm there second he's there third then at the end of the show the compere goes on and goes guys that's the bill thank you very very much the waitress is going to come around and give you all your bills and make sure you pay for it while you do that some of new york's up and coming comics are going to come on and do five minutes each uh the first one is dan nightingale the check spot so i honestly thought it was like oh because you're getting checked it's because they're paying the check yeah yeah so you go do five minutes and obviously if you're on first on that, then you've still got a full audience,

but they are all paying their cheques. If you're on second, a third of them have gone. If you're on third, two thirds have gone. And then fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh, they can all stay as long as they want the audience. And as long as there's an audience there, whoever's on the list of cheque spots gets to go on. But you have to get there at seven, and you have to stay in the building until you spot if you leave you lose your place in the

queue wow yeah that is we never did check spots in chicago but you have to stay in the building yeah right it's tough and i could tell really tell that the comics doing those check spots hated me so much yeah because everyone else on the bill is a new york comic and i'd got booked at these new york comedy clubs because a couple of new york comics that i've worked with or met on the internet or whatever had gone i'll put a word in for you so i've turned up as this british cunt who's never done a gig over there an immigrant 15 minutes an immigrant coming over here, taking their spots. Literally, yeah. And you could tell they're looking at me like,

why have you got 15 minutes at nine o'clock and I'm going on at half 11 to do five minutes while people are paying for chicken wings? Because I'm fucking rowey bad. Wow, what a strange,

like it's totally different in it. I mean, London probably has gigs that are a little like that. But even, like, Manchester, we've got Beat the Frog. That's the biggest open spot night in the country, I think, numbers-wise. Like, there's 270 people there on a Monday. There's very few new comedians are going to play to that many people. They're booked four months in advance, three months in advance.

Yeah, it's hard to get on on but no one has to queue outdoors and like it's not it's weirdly still like a a different version of the weekend spots the weekend spots are booked four months in advance like it's still like the normal booking process to be actually stood in a queue waiting to go on maybe fifth while people are paying the bill what a fucking mental setup it's really strange but weirdly i always thought yeah and i'm sure you're the same with because the majority of your comedy career has been spent over here hasn't it yeah i would say so yeah yeah so like i think we get in our own heads a lot over here about like there can't be any disturbance theater style sitting everyone face the front and shut the fuck up and when i was going to new york and people were like oh they serve drinks while you're on i was like oh that's

gonna be a nightmare and it just isn't yeah the audience get used to the fact oh yeah every now and then a waitress walks in front of me and they just do that yeah because they get used to concentrating on you yeah i would say that compared you get used to that anyway when when people are like oh we're not going to start the show yet because people are coming in at the bar you're like i'm the compare it's. You can deal with it. Sorry, Nigel. I think it's better that we don't have a theater style set up because that's how you get the wanky Edinburgh show because people go to it thinking it's theater.

But if there's waitresses walking around, it gives it a more casual vibe. You can't just talk about being molested by your dad. Grade A. Grade A molesting there. So what's gigging in Malaysia? what's gigging in malaysia what's gigging in in asia like i mean is there obviously if you're doing one-man shows it's way different from your chicago days but yeah what's the difference with the audiences over there because i've never played

that part of the world sense of humor is different well to be fair if you went and did it you'll be playing to expats yeah and then i think you think you won't feel as much of a difference. Expats there, a lot of them, I think the majority of them will be British. A lot of them will be scousers on the run. Real talky Malaysia. What? That's some grade A fucking on the run, isn't it? Lads, we've got to go Malaysia.

On the swim. What's the question again on the swim what's the Malaysian comedy scene like oh yeah for you guys it won't be that much different

you know I've played to expats in Malaysia before and I'm like fucking hell all the jokes still my butt lint references still flew you know

whoa two new Greg's bit in Malaysia loving it but when I play it because it's an Asian face I draw like and my fan base a lot of them are malaysian too so i draw a local crowd and that's when it gets tricky because i haven't

lived there for a while yeah and half the references won't work half the jokes will take a take a 20 30 cut in terms of funniness yeah you know so that's something i still have to get better had a chance yet to do sort of shows with the profile you've now amassed because obviously that has largely been amassed over the past year yeah when everything's been shut down yeah so have you managed to do a lot of nigel and as seen on uncle roger videos like to your own fans yet not yet not yet most things aren't open yet right yeah yeah if it if something's happened in the pandemic it's really weird coming out of it like i went into the pandemic doing okay and we're coming out of it because this is doing well going oh things are gonna be it's interesting i've not even factored that in i was like oh yeah you've

been smashing it for ages it's not been that long has it it's a full year of growth like well uncle roger only blew up in july yeah so it's not been even a year yet. So I don't know. I hope people come out and want to see me as myself. Yeah. I don't expect Uncle Roger on stage. 600 Adams doing, do the voice! You're not doing it, I'll do it! Uncle Roger!

Fucking brilliant. Are you going to give them that though? Like, for example, this is a slightly different thing but obviously paul smith who hosts hot water comedy club in the field which is over there by the way over there um because he knows that he's known for crowd work from all of his videos when he does his tour show he compares his support act on so he goes on does 20 minutes of crowd work gets a support act to do 20 minutes has a break and then goes on and he's like i've done my crowd work i can now do my hour and he does that because he's like that's what they've

come for they'll stay for the hour and they'll love it but i need to at least give them that are you gonna maybe go on stage because i remember andrew schultz when he came to london he had this thing for a while where and we're gonna get it in fact we've had it a little bit when we've done a couple of stand-up spots since we've been allowed by houghton stuff where someone's gonna shout a podcast catchphrase at you do you know what i mean they're gonna go chat upset me like they're gonna do that so what andrew schultz started doing was at the start of every tour show he'd go right we're gonna do one and he'd go on dick talk on three because like they had a thing on their podcast where they were talking about their dick so they'd go dick talk so i seen him go dick talk

on three in the whole room he goes one two three the whole room dick talk and then he did his thing because he was like i need to preempt it got it out of the way i think we're gonna have to do something like that but do you think you're gonna have to give your audience a little yeah 20 seconds of uncle roger and then be like and now i'm nigel and i'm actually a fucking great stand up as well well i've thought about this and i think maybe i can have uncle roger open for myself so i save money on the opener as well, you know? That's so funny. Oh my God. 10 minutes of Uncle Roger.

How devastated would you be though, if you come out after the interval and they'd fucked off? Well, they still paid. Yeah, so Uncle Roger was great. Not staying to see that Nigel come to his nap. Some thick cunt on YouTube. Support art was brilliant. Yeah.

Fuck, you're a fucking idiot. I think you have to give them a little bit, right? You know? Yeah, you've got to like- Something. Who are we talking to? You can't be the guy who's like, no, this is my art and my standup.

Like you've got to play the game a little bit. Maybe a little encore thing. When you go and see a band, they'll sneak in some songs from the new album and they play the bangers. I went to see Elbow and they apologized for playing songs from the new album. They were like, sorry, everyone.

Two from the new album. They knew. Now we'll do the ones you really want. You've got to play the game a bit. Here's the ones you can't sing along to. These are more nodders. Shall we have a quick little break and we'll do some correspondence?

We shall. Shall we do that? Yes. What's happening, guys? It's Adam here and I'm here to tell you yet again that this podcast, Have A Word, is supported and brought to you by Manscaped,

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Go do it now and then come back. Go ahead, shave your balls and stop them stanking. I can't believe it. Have we got some letters from lovers? We've got a few things. Richard Peel

in Australia says, Adamski, Danski, Carlos. Oh my God. People take the piss with these names and then they end up being a paragraph

And I'm like Just ask the fucking question I've been watching No I like the names Don't discourage that at all It says Adam Dan

Carl And Finn I've been watching Last One Laughing Australia On Prime They put ten comedians in a room And they have to try and make each other laugh

If they laugh They get a yellow card Laugh they laugh they get a yellow card laugh twice and they get a red card and they're out last one standing wins a hundred grand so

it's like footballer assuming Adam it is isn't it that's like sport yeah I wonder if that's a coincidence assuming Adam and Dan were two of the ten

and obviously Nigel is now three of the ten which other seven comedians would you want in the thing you can make laugh and who you wouldn't want to see because they'd be able to make you laugh? So who are the good laughers that you'd love in there with you

that you can think of that are comedians? Seven shite sycophantic open spots, don't you? And they were just trying to people please yeah no i'd like you to get you some gigs you want them yeah the people who drive people londoners who drive other comics to to gigs and stuff yeah you want people who still fill in the mayor control thing yeah yeah um there are some i mean there are some absolute psycho new comedians that don't laugh at you and it is really

unnerving you're like mate you really in a dressing room they're like play the game a little bit mate

I'm just you're just unnerving me and I'm not saying it makes them a good or bad comic but it is nice when the newbies

are nervous and laugh at your shit joke yeah it makes them a bad human you know that's what human beings

are supposed to do right just polite laughing at each other yeah yeah who are the comics you wouldn't want to see in there if you're trying to win that hundred grand and it's not who's the best comic because that doesn't match up it's who makes you laugh in person because there are some fucking brilliant comics out there who in the dressing room are just standard blokes and are not the funniest people knocking about then the guy makes me laugh a lot yeah i wouldn't want

yeah ishan adam's not budging on his name he's been told and he's like nah we are there shannon last a couple of weeks ago and he was like oh by the way you've been saying that wrong for like six years and i was like well that's your fault because that should have been corrected in week one yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah ishan um it isn't necessarily the best comics is it like no it isn't he'll come up with some uh brown puns you know that's what he likes to do right ed makes me cry laughing because i've hung out with him so much like i don't really see him that much anymore um but yeah like i have a good friend danny clives do you know him yeah yeah yeah yeah oh my god i haven't thought about danny for ages brennan makes me laugh because he's always willing to say something inappropriate alfie as well

sean walsh sean walsh is funny man like he's funny he's like he's a successful brilliant comedian and he always seems befuddled by life like like the train journey up to manchester is like he's always like fucking oh mate like he's always something and then carl at the time he ended up in hartford but he was meant to be in hereford what sean walsh went to the wrong city for a tour show with a thousand people waiting. Fuck. Oh my days. And he just had to reschedule it. Oh, he missed it.

Hertford to... It's like four hours apart. Yeah. So Hertford, Hertford in Hertfordshire. So that's what? Near Watford. Famously. So they're having that

and they thought if you're going to make that mistake and you live in London, you're going to be like, I accidentally went, you know, half an hour north rather than four hours to the fucking west i've been on with comedians who've turned up to the place where the invoice was addressed that's always good where you're like where's the headliner and it was tony law because of course it was tony law yeah because tony law like it's like he lives his day-to-day life

and he's not tuned into planet Earth, and it's what makes him amazing, and it probably what makes it really hard to manage him. But he just got an email going, could you invoice here? And obviously not every invoice is an address, and that's where the business was. And so he went, cool, I'll drive there then.

Just offices. No, he got to a residential house because al jackson who runs the gig lives in a house in stourbridge and so he turned up at 42 whatever's road in stourbridge knocked on the door and al jackson's wife went what hey i'm here to do a gig you're fucking not me i'm feeding the baby so they had to do a quick drive north to shrewsbury have you ever fucked up like that no i've been very organized i get to places on time my life is boring man i always nail the things i'm supposed to do you know good yeah That's just like you and me, Adam, isn't it?

So good at nailing all those life things. Do you want a job here? Yeah. We'll pay you really well. Fuck Google AdSense. Hey, in the lockdown, I weed on my own shorts. I really think I could learn a lot from Nigel.

I just do everything well. What? Yeah, but I don't get... Are you pissed on... No. No, I didn't. You were there. We told the story on the pod.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, cool. Isn't that an Asian thing, though, to be like... To wait on your own. To a fault sometimes, I think. Sorry. Yeah. I think to a fault sometimes.

We're just brought up to be very, like, organized, meticulous, you know, work hard, put your head down and just work. And sometimes we we i don't have a lot of good stories that's the problem yeah yeah what is it like being in like a death metal band in asia like how do you i don't know but like if that's the culture of like really organized what's it like to be a rock star in Malaysia like these cunts are crazy they turn up five to ten minutes late

that's how rock and roll they are what's it like to be a bullfighter in Asia as well what's that like bullfighter can we have bullfighting

my question definitely made sense within the context of the conversation that was daft shite do you have a real song about it he's what

do you have a real song about it about what bullfighting no always on time no one say anything I want that to hang I want 10 seconds of silence

seriously that's a fucking good one right this is what this is what that joke deserves one of the most successful YouTube comedy shows online at the moment. Doing pretty well.

Doing pretty well. It's fucking great. Yeah. That was a good one. I'm all having that. Sorry. It was great because he's always on time. Yeah.

And you were like, oh, there's a song called that. But there's no correlation between Asian culture and Ja Rule is there? No. What's it like to be Ja Rule in Asia? I got you mate. At least here, you guys, if you guys live a very organized life, you know,

you follow the path, go to uni, you get a good job. You can always do a gap year in Southeast Asia, right? Go to Thailand. Does it look like any of us did that no not you you guys fuck up enough here you don't need to go to asia i'm i'm currently in my 10th gap year where you traveled to ron call yeah yeah we were gonna do thailand um shall we do some uh World 2, wrong call. Yeah. Yeah. We were going to do Thailand. Shall we do some Have A Words as what is that is the podcast, isn't it? Can do. Yeah.

So you know that we do Have A Words and try and sort people's lives out and everything? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Cool. That's it. I don't know why I felt the need to explain what it was without actually doing it. It's for FaceTime listeners though, isn't it?

You directed it, Nigel, but it's for first-time listeners though isn't it you directed it nigel but it's actually for first-time listeners yeah it's for them to understand what's going on first time this is jar rule had a song called always on time so that's within it was good so when you guys mentioned like the comedy industry and specific comics yeah do people do you do you lose do people tune out if they don't know who the comics are i hope so i hope they go danny clive i don't know exactly who that is someone told me recently a fan who i know that she's not into the comedy politics of the show yeah to fuck off but we get a lot of people who write in saying they love it yeah so it's finding a balance we try not to sort of over egg it and do like three sections of it every week yeah every couple of weeks we'll like we get a lot of people who write in saying they love it. So it's finding a balance. We try not to sort of over-egg it and do like three sections of it every week.

But every couple of weeks, we get so many comedy questions. I'm kind of a bit wriggly then. Really? It's hard, isn't it? Because people are absolutely allowed to have their opinion. Like when you put up that thing about, we made a meme of Carl's face going,

and people were like, when Dan says bruh for the fucking eighth time in two minutes they got 30 likes i was like fair enough but like we literally got an email going i like this podcast but we're not when you talk about mother theresa and jizz and in the end and in the end you've just got to do what you do aren't you if we're going to talk about mother theresa you do, aren't you? If we're going to talk about Mother Teresa and Jiz and Danny Clives, we're going to do it. And Ja Rule, Karl.

If you mention Ja Rule, you know. We've also got to accept that even the most sort of flippant of Christians, right, the Christians who are like, I'm a Christian, but I'm quite calm about it. Even they might get to a point where you're wearing a Mother Teresa mask and I'm talking about coming in your bum, where they might go, that's my line.

We've got to accept that for someone, that is the line. Yeah. And that might warrant an email. We haven't found our line yet. Yeah. I know we have. What, is it Adam Rowe doing Uncle Roger?

No. That's so far away from the actual line we found. No. I've sort of seen what that producer was on about, really. I think he might have a point. I'm going to rein this in. Who's drinking? Lads, I need you to have a word with my mate,

James Osprey. He just needs to be told, he's got Twitter which he needs to pack in he's got a few followers and once did a tweet which got like 12,000 shares but he tweets at least 100 times a day like maybe one in a blue moon are funny

but half of them are actually shite I love it when mates just take the gloves off and like yeah i'm gonna do this publicly and just about fucking nonsense tell him to pack it in please fuck he also needs to be told when he's on ps party and we're all playing war zone or pro clubs and he just gets off without saying anything to go and tweet he just needs to say bye or something because he can't be arse playing today. Like, this is the winch. He's having a winch. Shut up!

Just mute him. Yeah! You don't like it. Don't follow him. Shut up! No, he's his mate in real life. I'm telling him to shut up.

He's a whinging old gimp. Do you know what that's like? He's acting like a girl who doesn't want a mate to go out with lads. Well, you could have said bye to me. You were asleep? you should have said bye he's a gobshite fuck off i honestly i completely disagree people who are like if you are at the point where your mates are going oh my god get off your phone this is great solid banter here

if you are if you are mate i think it's an absolutely valid have a word if he's tweeting all the fucking time he's had one to get 12 000 shares on a tweet you've nailed it but the lad is saying my mate james is always on his fucking phone he's always tweeting it's not good it's not great he's not actually in the room he fucks off when we're messing around on on playstation what are we doing like that i think is a valid have a word could i not make money from twitter what do you think i think well at least it's twitter you know can you imagine if he gets on like t he makes like 100 TikToks a day?

He'll just be hanging out and suddenly he puts a ring light on and starts dancing. Keep it on Twitter. That's okay. Do you use a ring light for Uncle Roger? I used to when I started then I upgraded to something better.

I want a ring light for here just to make me look beautiful. Yeah, you get the little... You've literally been bitching about these lights for the last three weeks. I want a ring light for here just to make me look beautiful yeah you get Adam you've literally been bitching about these lights for the last three weeks I want a light here if you

Adam's mental enough that he would get a light a light there go that's my eyes this is really hurt who put this light here it was you

do you remember three weeks ago when you fucking asked for one oh my god that's amazing it's TikTok we when we started doing this it was perceived that TikTok was like for kids a bit.

It's really booted up in terms of numbers. That's what you're into. Yeah, yeah. Wow. I'm just like that. We hung out to drive there. I like it. Yeah.

You don't have to go near to a school anymore, you know? Access has been so easy. Do you, you've had success with YouTube and everything. You've obviously, like, I don't do loads of tweets. I much prefer the podcast format. I think it's- To put that into context, our little Dan's on Twitter. Carl's worked here since-

I've known Dan a decade. Yeah, and Dan followed Carl back last week. Carl's worked here since I've known Dan a decade yeah and Dan followed Carl back last week Finn Finn's not sorry mate I love the way he's

noticed he's like nah Finn's literally written songs about my relationship and I've not even followed him on Twitter

do you bother with the trying to because so many comedians do that thing of like well loads of comics are doing tweets and they're working out, look at Rhys James he's fucking brilliant on Twitter there are guys who it just suits and then there are guys, and we've said this from the start

there are some guys who are like, everyone's doing that well I'll do it, and they make themselves look like fucking Muppets, I just don't think it suits me so i don't bother that much do you play the game with that or you're not on twitter i don't think it suits me either you know and i just i just whatever i put on youtube i clip up a one minute clip and put it on twitter that's how i use it yeah you know just repurposing i've i've started this week putting stuff on tiktok but i've said and look you, I'm fickle. I might change my mind at some point,

but like, I think I'm decent at stand-up and podcasting. So I'm just going to put stand-up and podcast clips on because there's so many comics now doing the, holding the camera, every type of person on a night out. I'm doing that. And I'm just like, I don't think I'll be good at it. I don't particularly want to do it.

So I'm just going to keep putting stuff up that i think i'm good at and whatever lands lands and i'm going to not try and flood it with content that i'm not comfortable doing um you could do makeup tutorials makeup yeah yeah get that ring light i actually think it would work really well if adam rose started doing makeup right what you want to do is make yourself look proper fucking dirty. Like you love it up the ass. Loads of shares. I genuinely think

this is so annoying. I can't believe that you were like, no, fuck off. That is the most annoying mate. No, fuck off. I just, like, Jesus.

But you pull your punches with Twitter. You you do tweet but like the incessant all the time all the time all the time that's just crap i actually see people tweet all the time i'm like how can you tweet this much and get no likes and be like i'm gonna keep going well why does he care yeah just scroll through you know just like just let us make do whatever he wants to do and stop being a whinging twat cool like i think so i'm with adam on this and don't be pissed off because he's left a playstation lobby but i'm saying bye yeah fair enough you've been told mate like james keep tweeting and i will not follow you that's how that's gonna go down imagine if you follow him before you follow finn

let me see let me find james no i'm going to find james let me try and find this kid let's see that's going to fall all we've got is that his name is james so this one no no we've not we've not we've literally said his name three times wrong james let's find out what he tweets about yeah let's look at it oh i've not. We've not. We've literally said his name three times wrong. James Oprey. Let's find out what he tweets about. Yeah. Let's look at it. Oh, I've got him. I've got him.

I've got him. No, this can't be him. He's got zero followers. If James Oprey, if this is the actual James Oprey, at James Oprey, and his mate's going, he needs to fuck off.

He's on Twitter all the time. I agree, because he's got zero followers he's one of them pervy cunts who's like I haven't got a picture and I don't have any followers

but I follow loads of people I can't find him would that piss you off Finn? Finn? you alright? not in the room he's in the edit we work him so hard

it's well harsh innit Finn will you come and be a producer? Don't you dare listen to the episode. Get working while we're having fun. And then when we've finished having fun, you do the producing. We need an intern for you to boss around, mate.

Do we have any more correspondence? We do. From Harry Robinson, the G-O-A-T. Hi, lids. Hope you're well. Got a little bit of a petty have a word for you. I need you to have a word with a senior editor of a local newspaper. Which one? Tell me.

The Runcorn Fuckknuckle. As you might know, I'm a student journalist and do some freelancing. Free being the key part of that word. For local newspapers to get bylines and build up my portfolio. The work really should be paid, but the experience and bylines are important. So it's on, so it's by the by. I recently got an article printed in the local paper, prominently displayed on page three. I didn't have my tits out, but didn't get a chance to buy the paper to keep a cut in. I'm a sucker for mementos of my

early work. So about two weeks ago, after it'd been in the paper, I contacted the editor of the paper in question to ask if they could send me a spare copy that didn't get sold. Despite me working for free and providing them with one of the main stories of that day's paper, the editor had the fucking cheek to ask one of the other reporters to sell me a copy. They fully wanted me to pay 85 pence

for a two-week-old newspaper that I contributed towards for nothing. Chop! Luckily, the reporter didn't listen, because he's a good egg, and sent me a copy anyway, but the principle still stands. People shouldn't be pedantic twats.

Have a word with them for me, will you? All the best, lads. Harry Robbo. Over to you, Nigel. Yeah, what a dick. The senior editor is a dick. Just give him the newspaper, man. I think

we should go to wherever this is. Harry. I honestly thought you were going to go, I think we should publish the paper. I think we should buy the paper and publish it and get a printing press in room two. Have a weird news. It's in Sheffield.

What? It's in Sheffield. Oh, it's the Sheffield Tribune. The Sheffield Gazette, maybe. The Sheffield Star. Sheffield Star. The Sheffield Times. Mail.

Post. Sheffield Post. That was the worst ever. The Sheffield star The Sheffield Times Nailed Post Sheffield Post That was the worst ever The Sheffield cunt I literally think my batteries are running low I was like

The Sheffield cunt Adam Anyone Hang on and I got fucking a minute silence for the Ja Rule joke The Sheffield cunt

Yeah that was bad but yours was way worse mate Mine was actually fire I think we need another five seconds just thinking about that joke. Comment below if you think it was fire. Fuck off.

Buy a copy of The Sheffield Cunt and it'll be the main story that day. Man from Runkoff. Does Jara rule? Here's my attitude here. I think what we should do right collectively you can come to today's guest i think we should go straight after this he hasn't got a train till five o'clock and have a bit of time it's a sheffield and back for revenge i think we turn up with weapons yeah right ask we never mention the weapons no just like you know i've an Uzi, you've got machete. Just the weapons that we've got to hand.

Uzi, yeah. Yeah, right. We turn up at weapons and we're just like, hey, we're friends of Harry Robinson's and he wants a copy of that paper. And then if they go, yeah, we told him we could have him for 85p, I'll give him the 85p, he's done plenty of work for us, Harry. We'll just do it.

But I think just the visual of the Uzi will be enough to get us off and on. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he did get it for nothing already. So you're basically brandishing machine guns unnecessarily. Like you're going in with an Uzi and they're like,

the report would be like, we did give him the paper though. And I was like, I missed that bit. Yes. He missed the bit when he was sat next to your listener but he

but it's the principle but everyone knows that Adam's like do another one I'll try my best to stay in how do we get Uzis in this right lads

I need you to have a word and then in Adam said he's like do do do do do do do do do do just shoot the cunts do do do do do do do do do do do on the Twitter one, he was like,

no, fuck off, he's fine. Did you listen to it? Not really. I like Twitter. Have you ever, have you ever done, have you ever, like,

you know when you're trying to make your way up the greasy pole of whatever industry? Have you ever, I'm looking at Finn who's actually been an an intern uh niger have you ever done any work like freelance just trying to get some just trying to get you up the ladder isn't that like every open spot yeah i suppose yeah just go there how does it work over here up north in london you just do spots for free

saturday night 10 minutes in the middle. Do you do that here? Yeah. Do you pay them? Up here, there's a lot of open mics, and then the best comics sort of initially get sort of a Thursday middle spot for like 20 quid, and then eventually you might get a 10 on a Friday,

and then if you smash your 10, you'll get a 20, and then you've really got to nail that 20 because you're either going to be in forever or out for two years. There's not many 5 or 10s on weekends anymore, though. No. They used to be. My first ever weekend gig at the Frog & Bucket

was a five minutes before the headliner. They had an open section, the middle section, and then they put you on for five minutes before the headliner. And I think that's what they'd done for it. My first ever gig when I first got into comedy was five minutes before the headliner and i think that's what they've done for it my first ever gig uh when i first got into comedy was five minutes before the headliner and i just think weekend comedy clubs even though they're like yeah we've got a responsibility to to push people like through the system they sort of just go it's not worth it's saturday nights too too much pressure yeah i think with any any

field that's uh saturated, like comedy or journalism, why would you study journalism nowadays anyway? It's a bit- Yeah, just write your stuff. Yeah, just write and publish it. Do you need a degree to publish in BuzzFeed? You know, you don't. I think you don't need to study it, but yeah.

Yeah, Harry, you're wasting your life! I did a journalism degree. So did I. Oh, yeah, that's why they're here now. Yeah, they've really used it well. You've never used it used it well have you? no I can write good though

yeah but did you learn that there? well that was good that was good that was good can I have it back now? yeah yeah yeah sorry Kyle

I feel like I'm really real dick Adam just flew over Adam's head hey it turns out you're now the editor of the Sheffield Cunt man does bad thing

rate it I think when we build our empire the Sheffield Cunt. Man does bad thing. Rate it. I think when we build our empire, the Sheffield Cunt has got to become a real. Oh, we're looking for merchandise. I would love a Sheffield Cunt reporter hoodie. I work for the Sheffield Cunt. Toby Foster. I'm joking. Can we just clarify there. I'm joking.

Can we just clarify there? I'm joking. I was waiting for you to say, let's go, don't. I was joking. Come on. I would love it if at the end of this episode,

I get in shit after Adam started going, Uncle Roger. And everyone's like, that's classic. That's classic. Have a word. But you never turn on

a businessman from the South Yorkshire area you know I don't mind racism Uncle Roger fine very offensive thanks very much

thank you no good I couldn't resist stop how how can you resist and when someone clips this out

and sends it to Toby he's going to be really confused halfway through my apology Adam goes Uncle Mark In the edit Can you quickly cut to Nigel

There you go Fuck for that Oh dear Oh Yeah Look The Eddison Pedantic little shit

Eddison's a gobshite I'd give him the AC5P and then tuck it out of his face. He should have a free subscription to the paper, right? Yeah. Just if you contribute to it. He should have a free paper every... Is it daily or weekly? Yeah.

I don't... We don't even know what paper it is. But he's moving to America, isn't he, Harry? He is, yeah. He's going to be a right bastard for the Sheffield cunt to get delivered at Northwestern University. 85p. One really pissed off Yorkshire paper boy like,

I have to come to Chicago with this fucking dude and you're not even paying for it. Is he taking that bike on the plane or is he hiring a mum when he gets there? Fucking pedalling across the, I'm going to say an ocean And open its right Pacific Oh Good god

The Atlantic Yeah I know Comedy No Say the wrong one No John

Sometimes when When a guest with us You missed that When a guest with us when a guest with us I have these moments where I look over and you can see them thinking is he's doing well yeah

fair dues fair dues we got one more no we have oh we have you said you do you reckon you

let's see I'm gonna say I'm gonna do's see. I'm going to say... I'm going to do... Nigel, apologies. I'm going to see if you can stay on this one. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Hello, host. When Dan talked about the fact

that he and Laura don't sleep in the same bed, I thought it was weird and it made me think I could just never be the person in a relationship... Can we just park there just for one second? Do you think that's weird? Dan and his wife, they've just had their second child.

Don't stay in the same bedroom. Hang on, nothing to do with the child. This has been going on for the last four wonderful years. I spoke to Sam about this, and she finds it weird. And she finds it weird. Me and Terry can do it. What's the reasoning? Just so you can sleep better at night?

Sleep and, you know, look at my online articles and really enjoy... Have a big wank on my own. And then sleep. My wife is beautiful and she's a great woman. And that's my dick.

I love being married to her, but sleeping next to her is brutal. She's snory, unreasonably warm in the night. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah. Not Laura. Just a sex.

Man, sox, you don't want that, actually. Shit is boiling, lad. Lad, no offense. Right. I think if you have enough bedrooms in your house to do that go for it man yeah sleeping in someone sometimes it's like like you said either i sometimes i snore sometimes she snores or she wakes me up going to the toilet you know i've been married before i know yeah you what i've been married before i'm divorced now oh wow yeah well we meandered around to the juicy bit, didn't we?

We took our time to get there. You only asked about Uncle Roger, and then let's go to listen to questions, you know? Can you do your Uncle Roger voice, and then have you ever fallen out of love? I've really left. This guy's a cunt. He's already on Twitter.

I've been divorced. Was it because of sleeping arrangements uh no no i don't think it's that i think it's more like my personality and general vibe well comedy takes a toll on your relationship right how long were you married for uh four years i got married really young and then yeah we should have covered this way in the beginning no but let's cover it now i think sometimes comedy podcast shouldn't start too early with like hi nigel thanks for coming on when did you first get married it just sets a weird tone yeah i think there was a point in my um you know comedy starting up i still had a full-time i live in london right so you have to like rent it's expensive i kept a full-time day job i was gigging four or five nights a week traveling and stuff and then i was still trying to make one youtube video a week so i literally had no time for her at all

and i was also sometimes you know short-tempered because i was stressed you know so that definitely didn't help every weekend i was gone right yeah it's hard it'd be so i don't think she did but it'd be so easy for her to have an affair you know yeah i suppose it'd be easier for you to have an affair as well wouldn't it because you were the one away like i i think if you're married to a comic you've got to be so it's such a tricky one you've got there's got to be trust there and you've got to like your own time it's not what everyone wants to be involved with relationship wise is it easy to have an affair though as a comic you're in different towns every night.

It's not like you can see the same affair. It's not easy to have an affair, but I think it's easy to fuck a different woman in every town in the country. I mean, it is in theory, isn't it? Yeah, in theory. If I turn up like, Why would you do that face?

Do you want to come to Watford, junglers? Why would you do that face? Because that's me trying to get laid. It works really well. Especially in Sheffield. I work for the cunts. I love how in your, do you want to come to Watford Jonglers?

You haven't met her at the gig. This is at the train station. Yeah, yeah. You're trying to pick up booty calls all the way. It's too easy. Too easy pulling after the gig. I like to pull all the way. It's too easy. Too easy pulling after the gig. I like to pull before the gig. Welcome to Watford,

junglers. Have you got a spade to hit? I didn't do well as a single man for a lot of those years. Do this face. I wasn't even playing Watford, junglers. That was the weird thing

I just took them to what for junglers yeah I yeah how old were you when you got married 24

alright cool yeah too young man yeah she's still in London though we're still friends it's okay she's with a new guy now

Ian is he Malaysian yes yes mate yes beautiful Okay. She's with a new guy now, Ian. Is he Malaysian? Yes, mate. Yes. Beautiful. Sounds Malaysian as fuck.

That's her type, really. Malaysian man with old school English names who sound like my dad's mates Edwardian names no no he's British British

seems like a good guy shout out Ian yeah this one's for you mate Nigel's ex-wife's new fella Wordle hi Toby Foster

hope you're still watching so we don't sleep together is basically and that's been how it's been for a while well now I've found that I'm struggling to sleep when I'm in bed

with my girlfriend and a few nights ago I snuck away to the spare room and got myself to sleep in what felt like a minute my girlfriend came in the next morning and wasn myself to sleep in what felt like a minute. My girlfriend came in the next morning and wasn't happy that I wasn't there when she woke up. I can see that she thinks this is a dig, but there's no way for me to say it nicely.

I do prefer to sleep alone every now and then. There you go. Never mind about whose relationship's on the rocks. It's nothing. There's no correlation. You can be fine. You just get a good night's sleep. Get to pull your pudding.

Does that make sense? Is it wrong to not sleep with your partner? I've never had this issue with any of my exes. Don't say that to your missus. Do I need to have a word with myself or with her? I'm very confused about this one. Oh, shit. You haven't.

He's put anonymous at the end. Every fucking time. Every fucking week. Every time. And you've mentioned it loads as well. No, it was only a little bit. You'll be able to edit that out. Oh, I'll have to, obviously. You will have to?

Yeah. Every time. Oh, here's the thing. Fair enough to this random man who's written in you know and we'll never know who it was

then he wants to sleep on his own it's the sneaking out that's pissed her off because it's confusing I don't know whether I told you this on a

New Year's Eve I stayed in Sam's mum New Year's Eve I stayed In Sam's mum and dad's house With Sam Overnight And in the morning So I sleep Next to naked a lot of the time

Occasionally I'll leave one sock on Sometimes me undies Right So I had me undies on And I woke up and I was like I really need a wee So Just got me undies on they've only got

one bathroom and it's downstairs so i got dressed and like to go to the toilet and as i was halfway through getting dressed this is like the the second time i met my girlfriend's parents right she woke up she was like where are you going and i was like i'm going to the toilet she was like i thought you were leaving and i was like, I'm going to the toilet. She was like, I thought you were leaving. And I was like, do you really think I was going to come round on New Year's Eve and bounce in the middle

of the night? She was like, but why are you dressed? I was like, because I'm not meeting your mum and dad for the second time. And then in the morning

coming down on me and just being like, you're like, cool. Just going for the shit, lads. See you in a minute. You would now,

though, wouldn't you? Yeah. What? You would now. Yeah, yeah. Wouldn't even keep me

No, you wouldn't. One sock. Woo! No, you wouldn't you yeah what you would now yeah yeah wouldn't even keep me no you wouldn't one sock woo no you wouldn't alright Trish get on this being

having to pass her dad on the stairs with you just in your underpants would be one of the worst moments of any New Year's Eve

in the history of New Year's Eve Adam do you form mid-balling it's fucking half ten where are you like Adam do you fall mid it's fucking half ten where are you going

the downstairs toilet do you know there's one upstairs now that that makes me look silly I'm just gonna go and walk myself around the house

in my underpants I I don't know man I think this is the future and I I know people are like no you need to sleep next to your missus I don't think you do I don't know man I think this is the future and I I know people are like no you need to sleep

next to your missus I don't think you do I don't think you do Sam Sam not be alright with it if you were like I'm in the spare room Sam doesn't like it

if I go down and play FIFA while she sleeps whatever makes you happy if that makes you happy then yeah if it makes someone else happy then she just wants me

to be close to her genuinely and I like her I want her to be close but not touching don't i mean get your fucking radiator back off me yeah but like i'll always stay in the same room as my missus i don't mind it what what if like maybe maybe it is a sneaking off right that she's upset about so tell her before you go to bed right that i like prefer to sleep by myself so after i fuck you i'm gonna yeah go yeah oh you

see that's that's where that's where a lot of the issues come the sex changes things like for me this is how married i am i hadn't even considered sex in any of this i was like you're just going to bed in a different room good night yeah good night sometimes we don't even kiss night night all of you guys are like when are you gonna fuck her you're gonna fuck her and then go in another room that is gonna cause problems in it because if you like make love and then roll off and then keep rolling into the spare room people are gonna get pissed off you have to have to recoddle after the bathroom visit the 10 minutes afterwards yeah it is super awkward once you've banged it's

difficult to leave the bed in it yeah but you have to have to recuddle and then the separation once you recuddle it's tougher right you bang it is clean yourself up and just go but that's fucking someone then wiping your dick and then leaving makes them feel like a prostitute i guarantee it does because you're like none of this on me and i'm leaving now we've finished and i'll be in the other room that's fair okay a bit of cuddling afterwards money's on the side well good luck to you, random man. Random man. Who we don't know.

Who we don't. We just will never know. The solution is then to just don't have sex then. Then you can just sleep. You see, everyone's coming around to my way of thinking. I mean, once you get married, the sex just dwindles anyway. Right?

That's because you were away every weekend. Why are we having sex anymore? Because you're in another city, Nigel. I'm starting to think, I'm starting to realise where we don't talk about the divorce early on in the podcast.

It just, you know, it just dwindles and it's shit, isn't it? It's so much better talking to my mum like, a whole new world. I just want to be with her all the time.

We'll see. We'll see, kid. We will. I like her cudd with her all the time. We'll see. We'll see, kid. We will. I like her cuddly sleep, mate. You do? Yeah. With the window open. So you can climb out.

Just to avoid her dad on the stairs. Gets caught on the roof. Adam, what are you doing? Bathroom. Well, this has been a pod. Fantastic fantastic i've had a lot of fun today thank you to all the anonymous emailers they were great you know yeah it's good to hear from someone new yeah nigel thanks so much for traveling up to talk our silly nonsense. You've been great fun. Where can people find you on the internet? My social media is MrNigelNg, M-R-N-I-G-E-L-N-G,

or just search Uncle Roger on YouTube. Sweet. Thank you so much for coming in. My tour is going on sale very soon. If you sign up at the mailing list, adamrow.co.uk, you will get priority once the patreons have had a bit of priority so patreon.com slash

have a way pod they're going to get absolute priority on top of the extra episode they already get every week they also get a little bonus thing most months and you get early access

to these public ones the patreon is fucking well worth it especially starting at just three quid you get a free copy of the sheffield cunt yeah bye felicia go out you you you