Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #12 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 19, 2020

The world is going mental, but it just makes us pod harder. Fuck you Corona. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

With video on YouTube, on social media, at Havawadpod, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Havawad with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Hello Dave. Is that Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here. Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch!

Disgusting! bitch disgusting you want to do a podcast now let's do a podcast motherfucker we're back y'all know what time it is i feel like i seen you yesterday You want to do a podcast now? Let's do a podcast, motherfucker. We're back. Y'all know what time it is. I feel like I seen you yesterday, and pretty soon that's going to be true all the time. We're going to see each other every day. Adam, you have, in the last three months,

gone from a mate to being, like, the fucking second or third most important person in my life. You're pinned in my WhatsApp. I love how you said second or third most important person in my life you're pinned in my whatsapp i love how you said second or third and you've got a child and a wife she's a dependent man she's doing nothing she won't even piss without me fucking going in with it daddy i need a wee why are you walking to me then go to the toilet don't come me. Shit detour. It's nice to see you though, eh? It's lovely. I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather be fucking pinned in a WhatsApp group with.

We're going to get a bit sick of each other at some point, aren't we? It's colleagues, isn't it? And also, even with your best mate, if I spent 24 hours with my best mate, by the end of it, you know if I go away for the weekend with Carl? By the end of it, I know where, away for the weekend with Carl by the end of it I know where when and how

I'm going to kill him I see it great story I see him do you want to die I see it play in me head I see me getting a pillow and like

right over his face just when you drift off you're like you're like what are you thinking about Adam nothing nothing nothing

and in your head you're like this is what I tell Carl's mum like I don't know it was just a really weird pillow accident it's just so heavy

it didn't look heavy but it was just on his he just couldn't move it I'm sad as well that's I hate it when lads do that to their mates

and be like oh fucking hell she's a fucking nightmare ain't she she's it's not like this with the lads is it the lads are never like that you're like yeah but Fucking hell. She's a fucking nightmare, isn't she? It's not like this with the lads, is it? The lads are never like that.

You're like, yeah, but... It's because you don't live together. Humans aren't meant to live together. You don't have to clean up your mate's underpants, though, do you? Like, she's annoyed at you because you're a fucking slob. You just have to clean up your knickers off the floor and then be like, will you just put them in the wash, Dean? Me mates don't nag me, dude. Yeah, because you don't leave your fucking boxes on his London

when you go out for a game of FIFA. You don't fart in the bed that he's trying to sleep in. Although, having said that, my wife just farts like a fucking trooper. Me and Jade have got to the point last night where we're only two days into quarantine aren't we but last night we had a little we need we need a 20 minute don't we need a time out why why well just getting a bit oh i thought you meant i thought that was a euphemism

i thought she was gonna watch how i met your mother no no no no no just a bit edgy with each other wow and also adam do you know you're not in full quarantine yet no it's gonna be when she's just not working and you're not surviving this quarantine no we're gonna we're gonna just stay together for the kid slash was that a proper cough every time i cough i'm like well i just looked at you like i don't know a fever do you feel warm i got a pod fever boy do you honestly you're joking aside it is gonna test some relationships it's gonna test mine and jay i'm not messing like we're two days in last night right adam and jade last night so jade jade went vegan in November right

Fucking hell She gonna be eating everything soon Motherfucker She won't though She's fucking stubborn as fuck And last night I was like She went I'm gonna make some pasta

I went No you're not Because that pasta's for when it all goes fucking down What are you talking about We haven't bought that pasta for this week. Eat the perishables, you fucking moron! I went, the takeaways are still open. We need...

I'm getting a takeaway, so I went, I'm going to order at Indian, what do you want? She was like, make sure they do something vegan, right? So I rang as many different curry houses as I could until, like, and most of them go, don't be stupid, we don't do vegan. Everything got milk and cream in, don't go away.

Pause the pod. Pause the pod. them go don't be stupid we don't do everything got milk and cream and don't go away oh pause the pot pause the pot that was a very good accent that was one you are one head wobble away from that not being all right oh my god i can't believe it I have never been this far away from... No, no, no, don't do any vegan... Keep the head straight. Keep the head straight. It's time to go in there, mate. No, no, no.

No! Just did it again. Keep your fucking head straight. Oh my god, the EDL shutdown pod. It's nice though, isn't it? It's nice being shut down because no foreign's getting your house. Right, sorry, Adam. We're going to do this impression

and of the 10 takeaway, we'll do one to 10. All the people that you rang for Indian vegan options. I can only remember one of them. Oh, there's his head again. Go on, go on, go on. No, no, no.

No, no, no. We don't do any vegan i'm afraid everything has milk or cream or something like this in uh if this sounds like another indian man you know that's not my fault everything has milk or cream in and we do lots of vegetarian options but no many things not vegan i'm very sorry so you've got an acting agent because this honestly this shut down after you come out of this bollywood's calling i'm not sure about hollywood hello adam this is bollywood notice my head it's very still we think you could be a star. Why is it the funniest stuff?

Go on, vegan stuff. Vegan. Who's vegan in a fucking, you know, it's like that old Chris Rock bit, isn't it? No one's lactose intolerant in Rwanda. We'll see when we get hungry who's a fucking vegan. I found one though. And he said, yeah, lads, yeah.

Plenty of fucking vegan things here, mate. Is he from originally? He's from India, but I'm not doing another one. Alright, lad. I'm from fucking Bangladesh. I made the mistake of having it on loudspeaker as I was speaking to him and he cleared his throat. So he didn't cough,

but he went, yeah, yeah, we've got like, anything apart from a paneer. We don't put any milk or cream in. So the onion bargees, you know, there's plenty of starters. And if you get like a booner, there's nothing in that.

And Jade from upstairs went, did you hear him cough? Did you hear him cough? I'm not having fucking anything from that takeaway so then i had to spend another hour ringing every other day i was like jade oh he cleared his throat we've already got it i've got it i'm 100% certain i've got it just you've been necking me for a week so don't fucking worry about it so yeah i i caused my head one i love the theory of like, we've got dry pasta in,

we've got things that will last till June, right? Even fucking later, the sell-by date. Let's eat, like, takeaway kings while we can, because if it gets all locked down... I'm just challenging my bit for the economy. I've had two Domino's a day. Do you know, we ordered Domino's the other night. On Tuesday, not an animal, ordered it, and there's like a...

Fuck you, Edward. There's like a... Edward the Tory. There's an option of like, do you want no contact delivery and just tell us where to leave it? Like I'm keeping hostages. I want a fucking helicopter. I want...

And I want... I'll have a meat feast and chicken 14 chicken strippers you leave them on the end of the fucking drive copper she and yeah and i even know coronavirus i've got a kid and i don't want to die but i was like oh you're gonna look all right funny if you tick that box so i didn't take it he just came to the door and there was this weird moment as he passed it over and he was like here i am i'm passing it over i was like mate sorry i just i'm not there yet i'm not having a dominoes left at the end of my drive and waiting for him to drive away for just some rogue dog to piss on my dominoes

clear clear clear my dad come round last night. I've told my dad I'm not seeing him for a few weeks. Because my, we'll talk about this in a minute, my health anxiety has gone through the fucking roof with this shit. So, and look, I'm 99.999% certain that I absolutely haven't got it, but there's a little voice at the back of me

going, but what if, lad? And my dad is a smoker. He's 60. He's already had a heart attack. He's got a stent in. He's the definition of, if he gets this, it's probably fucking game over.

So I said, dad, look, I don't want you coming around. I'm not coming around to yours. How old is he? 60. Okay.

It's shit, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? If he was older, I think it would be even clearer to be like, you have to be quarantining yourself. I've told him to to but people like i'm

so i'm one of them quarantined and graham came over and we quarantined together where'd he just been at the pub yeah are you fucking daft it's not how quarantine works is it dickheads and i've seen people on the internet delivering food through windows you're like kind of how you're gonna do it i felt like i'm around two hours before you know those people who post like um menus for like local takeaways and he was walking up the path and the dog went mental as she tends to so i was like who is it and he went to post a leaf i went lad fuck off and he went what i was like lad fuck off he thought i was doing an accent i was dying i was dying to hear that one I'm posting the menu we're losing lots of business at the moment

the sauce time why didn't we call this Adam and Rowan Dan Nightingale do fucks up accents because have a word is ropey as a title

when it's if you look back 11 episodes of oh it's either an accent or an impression that goes badly wrong in everyone

yeah I told him to fuck off yeah fair enough you're delivering death notes lad do you know I think it's the offroar in the minute

like please choose us what about the postman he's alright he's alright he's alright what about he's not bringing any of that fodder muck what about the postman he's alright he's alright he's alright what about he's not

bringing any of that fodder muck what about mate the Amazon delivery driver is bringing mainly Chinese shit all the fucking

dodgy chargers I get USB-C charger where was that made not in fucking Anglesey it's from Fulham, China

do you know what was funny yesterday I me and another comic KK'd we put some and a few others

like Heshan Akbar and Tez Ilyas and that we put some stuff up on online because there's loads of voice notes going around

WhatsApp like listen mate me mate Nan is in the army and she says we're going for full Anthony Marshall law

on Falkland Monday mate so get prepared for that. So we just made a load of fake voice notes. That's why I made one saying, like, me auntie's best mate's daughter's cousin's nan, she's a nurse, and she's just said that there's not even a coronavirus.

It's all just a conspiracy to keep us all like a control experiment. And they've got celebrities on board, like Idris Elba's been promised he'll be the new james bond if he says he's got it ed hedges who's a comedian and a friend of ours messaged me and was like is that voice not serious oh i think the the metal of comedians is coming out at the moment now i'm not trying to make light of anyone who's taking this seriously but if you are a comedian or call yourself a comedian i know if you identify as a comedian identify as a comedians and i understand it's serious i know people might die it's an illness it's a pandemic when you say but after all those things i know people are dying i know everyone's

dying and coughing and everyone's dying and coughing and everyone's nana's not going to make it to June. But if you're a comedian, you don't get to say, we love taking the piss and doing bloody banter. We just don't care. Oh, but Corona's very serious. You've got to still be able to make jokes.

Did I tell you what happened a couple of weeks ago? Just as it was becoming part of the zeitgeist, in a dressing room at a gig in carnarvon got there don't really know the comedians very well one from london one from wales and an open spot from around the way and um it was just becoming a bit more serious two weeks ago i'd just done my first bit of uh sly panic buying where i've been like oh yeah just done a little bit of shopping and then that's some uht milk right sat down and one of them went oh god it's really bad isn't it i was like yes it's gonna be probably gonna get pretty bad and the one from london was like yeah it's it's gonna be really awful and i was like yeah but this is the driest dressing room ever but in my head i'm like

we're all comedians no one from from, you know, it's fine. And one of my, oh, did you see that racist attack on a Chinese guy? You know, because of the outbreak, someone attacked a Chinese guy. And I went, oh, that's the worst thing you can do. You don't want to touch him. And Adam, honestly, I thought i'd get a laugh

the open spot next to me sort of nearly laughed and the two the london comic the wales comic just went there's an awful pause i got embarrassed i was like oh my god and then she went no that is a good joke i was like that's made it worse she looked at me like oh my god you're awful i was like i think i am see that's classic green room banter that in it like i might ask you know when people get offended by comedians i'm always like i wish there was a fly on i mean our careers would be over but if there was like a little fly camera on the wall of like hot waters green room the shit that gets said in there that's that you you've just you've just said the equivalent of a coma compared to some of the fucking vindaloos that get fired around hot water

i've never known a dressing room joke go that badly and in my head i was like oh my god oh my god it's it's a dressing room or have i wandered into a local pta meeting honestly it was never right the whole night the whole night i was like oh and i can you know what was so funny that's something she'll go to her mates and be like you'll never believe what happened i was on with a northern comedian and they made this joke and their mates will go i'd love to hear that podcast hi this is uh have a woke uh with me do you know what else is wrong racism thanks for listening i think there's at this time more than ever it's very important to remember that comedians are not running for office and we might say stuff that we don't necessarily mean

i've been saying on stage for weeks it's only gonna kill old people and it's about time we get rid of some of them anyway and you know what i don't really mean that and the fact that i have to qualify that is fucking bat shit bat soup it's bats it's bat soup crazy that's a freudian clip Oh Adam We're going to be alright though We're going to be fine Hold my hand Oh no don't

No But I'm holding your aura I'm holding your aura Oh the fucking look she gave me And the pause As I went red No that's a good joke

Who was it? Name her Fuck it Name her What's she going to do? Name her Who was it? name her fuck it name her what's she gonna do name her who was it name her let's no it's for a shit house name her i doubt i'm gonna work with her again no because you're gonna say it tell me no i won't say it was your ma oh that's too far is it who it? Who was it? No!

Why? No, I'm just not playing that game, you know. I am a very respectful fellow performer. Oh, yeah. Saskia Preston. No, I'm only messing. She did, like, you know... Anyway, it was cringey.

For you, Saskia! I'm not joking. Even now, even though... For you, Saskia! Coronavirus has pulled the the the cunt out of my whole fucking diary i haven't got any income left in my diary that this is still isn't as bad as that joke covid 19 and the government shutdown is not as bad as what just happened to me in that dressing room two weeks ago i think i've got ptsd from that fucking i seen someone

a comedian, say, I'm really sorry, guys. We're going to have to reschedule next week's tour show to June. It's like, you're not going to be gigging in fucking June. This is going down for months. Hey, shout out Freddie Quinn. Fucking. Who the fuck is that guy?

Who's been in the most denial about this, what's going on. I've never known anything like it. He's a fucking moron. On the phone on Monday. He was like, I was thinking about it. You about you know like because he sounds like zippy i want to paint a picture he was like no i think and he by the way he's my mate no no it's a good joke um he he literally is like i think i might uh because he's a qualified teacher he did teach him before he turned pro he's like might might see if i can get

some teaching hours after the Easter holidays. I was like, there is no after the Easter holidays. After the Easter holidays is when we go, it's going to be due. They're not going to be back. I don't think they're shutting the schools, Dan.

When they shut the schools yesterday, I was so fucking close to going, oi, dick flap, wake the fuck up. I was like, I think it's going to be a bad couple of weeks. I can't see a government shutdown. Mate, it's imminent. Three days. It the fuck up. He's like, I think it's going to be a bad couple of weeks. I can't see a government shutdown. Mate, it's imminent.

Three days. He's five days. Freddie is, and go check his stuff out. There's a lot of stuff online of mixed quality. Upset me, nasty bitch. But he's the one person I know.

You know, like everyone has got like a dickhead mate who speaks on stuff they know nothing about, but with such confidence, it is. He's so that guy, like it to anyone who doesn't know him and hasn't been around him for a while. They go,

Oh, he sounds like he really knows his stuff. So he'll go, he'll go like, Oh no, it's only going to last two weeks. Cause the thing is the way it spreads, as soon as we all go into self isolation, it'll stop spreading. And within two like, oh no, it's only going to last two weeks. Because the thing is, the way it spreads, as soon as we all go into self-isolation,

it'll stop spreading. And within two weeks, it only lasts in your body for two weeks. So it'll actually shut down and everyone's like, oh my God. And I'll be gigging at Hot Water in mid-April. But once you've been around him consistently for a couple of months, you start noticing that he thinks he knows about absolutely everything. And he speaks about like tires that he thinks he knows about absolutely everything

and he speaks with he speaks about like tires the same way he speaks about space travel it's just a raw teacher comedian confidence what do you think about gender politics what do you think about blue tack what do you think about fars well let me tell you what i think about all three do you know gender I don't respect people who identify as blue tack I don't know

whether I told you this fucking mental do you know on Saturday I did hot water comedy club where you do

like three three shows you start at five o'clock you finish at like midnight and at seven o'clock

Freddie was he was hosting one of the rooms I was doing sets in both he he wound me up that much that I offered him I bet him he couldn't go to the end of the night without talking doing sets in both he wound me up that much that I offered him

I bet him he couldn't go to the end of the night without talking off stage I said I'd give him a hundred quid if he lasted four hours with just not allowed to talk at all

impossible two hours he lasted ooh that's quite impressive though and yeah but he was really fighting it and then do you know what made him break he watched Phil Nicol

absolutely smash it and he said I couldn't just let it go I had to let him know I really fighting it. And then, do you know what made him break? He watched Phil Nicol absolutely smash it. And he said, I couldn't just let it go. I had to let him know I really enjoyed it. Phil Nicol, the 30-year veteran that literally does nothing but smash gigs. He doesn't need Freddie to go, you smashed that, mate. Phil Nicol's like, dickhead, I know. He took me going, like, literally filming him and saying things like, just off camera there, Freddie, you were saying you think Steve and Gerrard

were walking to any Man United team of all time. Oh, nice. And stuff like that. And telling, like, Phil Nicol and... What was he doing? Like... Just off camera there Freddie You were saying You think Steve and Gerrard Will walk into any Man United team Of all time Oh nice And stuff like And telling like Phil Nicol and What was he doing Like Yeah

And then you He zipped his He zipped it closed Go on Freddie Unzip it We were Driving him mad Do you think he

Phil Nicol at one point Went I'm going to the bar Does anyone want a drink Just tell me now If you want a drink just tell me now if you want a drink so I went I'll have a can of

Sam Pelgrino please and Paul Smith was like I'll have a pint and Alistair Barry was like can I have a bottle of water and he was like Freddie you want a drink Freddie

just let us know if you want a drink Freddie no okay cool and he'd come back with no drink from Freddie it was literal like Paul Smith at one point went at what point

does it become bullying and I was like about five minutes before it started do you think he talks during his own wanks yeah this is a good one at what point does it become bullying? And I was like, about five minutes before it started. Do you think he talks during his own wanks? Yeah. Oh, this is a good one. Oh, this feels great.

I think wanking is brilliant. Oh, tally-ho. That's not how he talks, by the way. It is. It is. People have stopped tweeting him, by the way. So if you guys, our followers, are getting a bit lax, if you can, if you could just go to

at Freddy Quinn, F-R-E-D-D-Y-Q-U-I-N-N-E and just tweet him with the following. Who the fuck is that guy? We'd really appreciate that. Do you know what's brutal? On the phone the other night, he went, yeah, we're sure, going on a lot. And I just turned my Twitter notification off, but it's calmed down now and oh yeah we've

got bored of it we'll not do that again oh no welcome to the wave the second wave and we're gonna be doing it every day what's that voice every day it's that's my aftershave advert voice i've been training for that for years what so like when i when i get like a sponsorship deal to do like an advert for aftershave i've already got the voice down you think you're going to be doing the voiceover work for perfume adverts and aftershave no just like i'm going to be like i reckon i'll be the model in it at one point no no no because they don't do the same thing i'd like you to be the voiceover guy I'm going to do both Allure, passion They say random words that are like Allure, passion

No, not romance, love Intensity Go on, you do it Okay, so what's the name of the aftershave? Invent one Invent the name of the aftershave And I'll one. Invent the name of an aftershave. And I'll do an advert off the top right now. People get paid thousands for this.

Slag bait. Slag bait. Slag bait. Brought to you by Calvin Klein. Power. Calvin Klein Slag Bait. Power. Stop making me laugh.

I'm trying to get a fucking deal here. Just say sexy words. Power. Mascul sexy words. Power. Masculinity. Flaps. Intensity. Fisting. What?

Who are you marketing to here? Slag bait. Fisting. Tickling bumholes. Oh. Gooch play. Do you like a bit of gooch play? Love a bit of gooch play. Do you? gooch play do you yeah stop doing that voice it's free if it's called calvin klein slag bait it should just

be a lad from bradford like slag bear by calvin klein and instead of going paris rome new york wakey johnny keithley slag bait by Calvin Klein. Power. Masculinity. Intensity. It's better than what the farm smell like. Slap it on your balls when you go farmer's arms. What are we talking about? Fucking lost my train of thought.

Do you remember when you used to go out to nightclubs and that back in day? Back in early 90s and that? You fucking bellend. When was your nightclub era? When was my he-a-day? Met Laura in 15. Met Laura in 15. Met Laura in 2015 and there's been a good three or four years where nightclubs have stopped working.

My dear dear. Because I didn't get in nightclubs until I had ID because I looked like Macaulay Culkin. 1999 while 2011. And they used to have bog goblins then? Oh, towards the end. Like people who worked

in the toilet? Yeah. Yeah. Did they have little rhymes? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No spray, no lay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No Armani, no Punani?

No Armani, no Punani. No dupe, no hoop? No dupe, no hoop. Now can you do it in the voice that they did it in? No jube, no hoop. You had a Bangladeshi bug gobbling? Adam, I don't think we're going to fall out. I think it's going to be the best month of my life

can my wife and my kid go and fucking hang out with Jade we'll just quarantine here I've got shit loads of food and a fucking chainsaw oh should we crack on let's just end it

for this bullshit now it's time for would you rather with your favourite morons, Adam and Dan. We're getting a lot of suggestions. We're going to do some hangover stories next week when we go to the shutdown dailies. We are getting a tonne of would you rathers.

And I want to get through them. It's important to say, though, because we're going to be doing this every fucking day. We're not saying we've got enough, because haven't we've got a ton but if we did these every day we probably run out after a week to keep them coming in we need as many submissions as possible let's not let people get slack on the submissions we're getting loads but we need them keep them coming in we will get through them um yeah and i i'm becoming a big fan of the whole would you rather thing i'm also

you get an insight into the psyche of the people who listen to this podcast would you rather this is from sam from manchester loving the podcast as a 12-week isolator i was so relieved to hear that i'll only be 22.5 hours a day i need to think about now anyway here's some contributions some will be shit but have it now can i say about sam from manchester he has a creative mind you know they're like would you stick your dick dad's dick in a dead badger or would you let a dead badger fuck your mum none of that hang on sam he's got a crit would you stick your dad's dick in your dad's dick in a dead badger or would you let a dead badger fuck your mum?

You've got to pick one. You came up with that on the fly and I'm interested to know what your answer is. Oh, don't, because you just encouraged the animals. Yeah, well, I like the animals. Basically, you've got a dead badger, my dead mum and a fucking dad with Parkinson's. The whole thing's a car crash.

It's only Grandad Daniel that doesn't like the smut. I don't like it. It's dirty. I don't want our fans sending in any more filth. My dad's just fucking juddering around Roadkill. Jesus. Oh, God, I think I might have just found my own line. Would you rather Sam from Manchester,

who I think enjoys the work of the Mighty Boosh, would you rather, Sam from Manchester, who I think enjoys the work of the Mighty Boosh, would you rather sweat mayonnaise or wake up every day covered in ham with no explanation? Very well done, sir. I mean, it's actually easy, but it's a funny question. I mean, to be fair, I like both options. What? I'd have either no no no no no what do you mean you wake up and you've just got ham on you so you're like oh fucking hell just take off this ham and then you'll have a ham receptacle yeah so you've got loads of ham you

turn the radiator off in your room so every morning so you never run out of mayo you take you can go and buy mayo the shop's gonna, no, no, no. This is a general for after the apocalypse. Well, I'm answering it in the fucking real world, Daniel, okay? Alright, if you want... Right, okay, lockdown.

Yeah. Fresh meat delivered to your naked body every morning. If you're Jewish, a bit awkward. Peel off the ham. All Muslim.

Pop it in your ham. They don't have pork either. They're still making your food. Pull it off. Pop it in your ham They don't have pork either What They're still making your food Pull it off Pop it in your little ham receptacle And then go about your day Go and have a shower Wash that faint smell of ham off You've got all the ham

Daddy daddy Can I have some ham Yes babe Here's the ham Daddy daddy My sandwich is dry Where is the mayonnaise We stocked up before the

Have you? Because I've been in your cupboard. There's no fucking mayo. Oh, my God. Don't make me go downstairs and get the fucking two mayos out. What happens when it's warm and you start sweating mayo? And it's just a big, greasy fucking mayo mess. Like, you'd be in the park. You're having a picnic.

People are like, oh, I've left the mayo at home. Fucking Dan's here. There he is, sweating mayo over there. I'm doing this in the real world, Adam. You're not in the park. You're having a picnic. People are like, oh, I've left the mayo at home. Fucking Dan's here. There he is, sweating mayo over there. I'm doing this in the real world, Adam. You're not in the park. You're on lockdown. You're sat with your family, sweating, watching Netflix

and mayo's all over the couch. Look, do you know what? You've convinced me that the ham is the better option. Yes! Yes! I never win these. Yeah, you've convinced me

that the ham is the better option, but I don't necessarily think the mayo one is a problem either. So, Sam from Manchester, do you know what? I thank you for giving us two glorious options rather than two horrible ones. You wouldn't want to go in a sauna, though, would you? I would. Would you rather...

Are you going to buy some mayo? No, I'm going in the fucking steam room. Be back in an hour. Would you rather not be able to tell the difference between muffins and babies or have to loudly scream cunt

at a rotating member of your family twice a day as in a different member they aren't spinning round mate I want to smoke weed with this guy I'm a big fan of Samuel twice a day as in a different member they aren't spinning round mate I want to smoke weed

with this guy I'm a big fan of Sam this guy this guy knows how to pass a fucking train journey so twice a day I have to call a family member

a cunt loudly cunt like that just right in the face cunt right in your fucking nan's face

I'd do that anyway is it my turn my nan's dead anyway I've got that anyway. Is it my turn? My nan's dead anyway. Oh, God. All right. I've got no grandparents left. Jesus Christ. Is there anyone fucking left?

Right. I've got no grandparents left, Dan. So. If this is for Adam. Nana Kathy's gone. Grandad Vinny. Grandad John. Kath and Vinny?

Yeah. Fucking Kath and Vinny? Yeah. Fucking Kath and Vinny, yeah. Were they fucking noggy dogs? What's wrong with Kath and Vinny? My first name was Vincent for a week,

you know. Was it? Yeah. It was 1992. My mum called me Vincent Rowe and then everyone, she was like,

but I'm going to call him Vinny. So I was Vinny Rowe and then everyone went, what are you doing to your child? It's 1992. So she changed it to Vincent Rowe. My middle name is vincent now sounds like a street uh would you not be able to tell the difference between muffins and babies i mean i don't know that causes more problems than calling your family members a cunt on it yeah when you finished off a blueberry baby why is adam eating that child i thought it was a

set poppy seed lemon oh i mean it's so random it doesn't but it's just the fact that that's how his head works yeah so i would i would call what what would you do would you call your family a rotate family thing is though again we're doing it no i think it is important because i've got a baby in the house yeah and if my wife's like will you go and put the baby in the bath and i is it only family members you live with i don't know so you're gonna call your baby a cunt twice a day or have you got are you gonna get like an impulse to call your granddad you're right granddad honestly he can't work his own phone hello cunt what never mind i'm gonna go bath the muffin uh would you rather spend this guys stop moving on are you calling your baby a cunt twice a day no it's so ridiculous it doesn't need answering

we've got to move on it does need no I there's no way I can deal with these without closure no I I call family members cunts yeah including your baby I'd be worried about

biting my baby I do I really genuinely love muffins I'm not even joking would you rather spend this is pertinent now he's back to the serious ones

would you rather spend six months inside completely inside your house i'm assuming or three weeks outside continuously what would you would you rather i mean we're gonna soon feel like find out what one feels like would you rather spend six months inside or three weeks outside six months inside inside, I think. I think. Really? Yeah, I've got a PlayStation. Yeah.

I've got a few fiddles on my team. Yeah. Got plenty of tins in at the minute. Yeah. I've got all the food I need. I tell you what, if this is six months, it's going to go bad, isn't it? It's going to feel horrific. It's not going to be six months.

I think it's going to be three or four. I think it's going to be two and then people will just get bored. Be like, oh, fuck it, I'll get it. Fucking Kath and Vinnie are gone a long time ago three weeks what now it's quite cold out in it where would you sleep exactly just in the doorway i i couldn't handle being homeless that's you becoming a tramp in it like a not like a dirty person but like someone who's homeless yeah a tramp i don't think they don't refer to themselves as tramps anymore i don't think their pronouns are their priority outdoor technician i actually identify as a houseless hey my name's uh dave dave Dave, I identify as a former tramp.

He, him, get out of me fucking doorway. I need closure. You can't just keep fucking moving on. Okay, okay. Yeah, inside I'm a pussyhole. Would you rather have a small penis, an enormous space hopper balls, or a pill noodle penis and tiny balls? You're going to have to repeat that

because I just had penis and balls in my brain. Would you? Got excited. Would you rather have a small penis and enormous space hopper balls or a pool noddle penis and tiny balls?

What's a pool noddle? I'm going to call it. Is this guy off his fucking face on drugs? Yes. When you write in Would You Rathers, don't do LSD

before you do them. No, do LSD before you do them. I think what he's getting at... Stop drug shaming people. If people want to get smacked off the fucking head and write in to us,

we're going to need those submissions next week. Have you ever done that on drugs? I don't know if you realise how many of these we're going to... These need to be rationed. That's another thing that's going on. Like the UHT milk.

Would you rather there's milk, bacon, pasta. Half an hour in each one. The thing is about a muffin, you could raise it as your own and learn to love it. Dan, should we move on? No. And the baby, it's actually interesting because they're both perishable. Should we move on? No And the baby

It's actually interesting Because they're both perishable Small penis and enormous balls Or big Big penis Big dick And small little pea sized ball That would look weird

But you're always going to say The big dick Yeah big dick Like what's the use of the big balls? Wouldn't it be weird If you're from the little fucking pea balls When you're like a big fucking 14 inches it's just a tear of cum and it was just like a oh that's it i'm gonna oh i'm gonna

cover me i can't do that that's not fair don't ball shame me come on my face i haven't got enough for that come on me eyelash that would be awful if you had a one inch dick and big like fucking the size of grapefruits hanging down on either side and you'd like you'd be hard but it'd be like an erect nipple and then when it came it oh it'd be be like a little tsunami she'd be like oh the girl the porn star if you got into porn you'd probably get money from it they'd call you space hopper space hopper revenge and the girl would be like oh my god

she'd be like doing nothing like look at this little micro penis and then he'd be like I'm coming she'd be like oh my god how bad could this be

is that what you say before you finish is that how you announce it I'm coming I'm coming I'm going to do an orgasm Oh Freddy You just put Freddy Quinn

Coming in my head And I'll never forgive you for that Oh sorry Accept me Nasty bitch Thank you Sam Thank you They were mental

And weird Would you rather You taking the big dick Yeah Yeah Okay I just need to know It's going to be weird though

Isn't it With your little pee balls That's also what I've got anyway Have you got a small balls I've got like Normal sized balls But an absolute pipe Oh

Yeah You've got pipe Yeah Really No Euro tunnel an absolute pipe. What? Yeah. You've got pipe? Yeah. Really? No. Euro tunnel. Went on a French exchange to go with that

fucking euro tunnel, like, we missed the fucking ferry, I just got a boner and we all walked across me dick to fucking Blighty. Oh. Would you rather Be stuck in the house

With a couple of toddlers Or stuck in the house With a couple of elderly people This is a lockdown special Quarantine special Would you rather Be stuck in the house With a couple of toddlers

Or stuck in the house With a couple of elderly people Think over 80 And not attractive Toddlers So I love not attractive because they've put that in you can't fuck them you're not fucking the old people on your own this is just you not jade not me you're on your own yeah you know how old the toddler is two three years old yeah they are a fucking nightmare yeah that when people like aren't they they're so beautiful aren't they when you have got a kid that age you take them around place and people she is beautiful and

you're like tired and annoyed oh my god she's beautiful and then i remember when we were buying the house the estate agent was like she was being delightful when we're in there like oh hello and i was like yeah she's a delight thinking you've been a dick bag for 12 hours and now you're being nice and the the woman that worked there was like there is nothing more amazing than the sound of a child laughing and i was like you have never heard a child fucking sleep i've pooed on the landing again daddy that's the most beautiful sound her asleep for 12 hours um toddlers or two over 80 year olds I'm taking toddlers I don't have any toddlers exactly because a toddler you're still in charge of

you're in charge whereas old people are a bit fucking up themselves like I have respect for your elders I fought in the war it's like no you never they're all fucking dead now there's no one who fought in the war still alive there's like three of them and they're on the news twice a year most old people are just entitled old fucks and they're basically toddlers anyway

they need the nappy changing they need to be put to bed at a certain time at least with a toddler you're still in control it that that's the same it's the same thing it's the same thing except it's what time do you go to what time do you get up in the morning? 10? Yeah. Toddlers are up 6, 6. Sometimes 5.30, they really want to fuck you up.

They're going to be like, Adam, Adam, can I give it to Adam? Yeah. Adam! You can't ignore it, because you'll get the guilt. If an over 86 year old was like,

Adam! You're like, oh fuck, you've lived your life. I could trick like a toddler into taking a sleeping tablet do you know what i mean i could put like a i'll put like a sleeping tablet in like a fruit winder or something and be like here you go knock the mouth whereas the old ones they've seen all that people have been trying to get them to trick

into trick things taking tablets for years so they're like i'm not fucking taking anything that i don't fucking whatever a toddler easy easy it's a trick you're never babysitting that's you off the babysitting no no the thing is you can get a toddler and a headlock and fucking just soak them out i wouldn't leave any physical things so that looks like i've harmed the kids because I wouldn't do that. But if I was tired at five and they were like, I want to go, blah, blah, blah. I'd be like, do you want a sweet? Yeah, I know it's early.

You don't have to have your breakfast. You can just have this sweet and then out for a good 12 hours or whatever and back to bed. I go, old people, come here. Go home. Have a few games of FIFA all before they wake up. No, man.

Old people every time. Because? You're mental. They're going to be on loads of medication. I'm on painkillers. I'm on diazepam. You can just have them yourself. You can just get off your tits and just sit with them.

No, but they're going to want to watch their shows, aren't they? Oh, yeah, that's hard. Yeah, they're going to... Like, yeah. No. Toddlers. Deafo. Drug them.

You sound. Would you rather... Sit on a dick and eat cake or sit on a cake and eat dick? Oh, my God. James Grant. Again, both good options. Can't I do both? Dick and cake.

Can't I eat a cakey dick and eat a cakey dick? So basically get bummed while you're having a bit of cake or sit on a cake while you're eat a cakey dick erm so basically get bummed while you're having a bit of cake yeah or sit on a cake while you're sucking a dick yeah

ugh I reckon I could tolerate a dick in me bum more than me mouth what? I reckon I could tolerate a dick in me bum more than a cud in me mouth

I'd rather get bummed than suck a dick really? yeah what about you? oh I've never really thought about it like that I've always thought the old bum would be because then you're no longer a virgin are you the thing is though i've never had a dick in my mouth but i've had a finger up my ass i imagine it's just a little bit more than a finger in it the second time we've mentioned ass play and

bum play adam and is this is this something that you're into no i don't i don't like the idea of it well you see you've had a little finger you've had a little exploratory was that was that rj'd Is this something that you're into? No, I don't like the idea of it So you've had a little finger, you've had a little exploratory Was that R.J.'d? I plead the fifth Oh, okay I think I'd rather get bummed Than suck an actual dick

Alright, well we'll leave that one there No, we won't, you answer it No, I've cut that off, in my head that's one of our new drops I'm just going to isolate that bit. I'd rather get bummed than suck a dick. Oh, I'd rather get bummed than suck a dick. Suck a dick. Oh, I'd rather get bummed.

Rather get bummed. Rather get bummed than suck a dick. Suck a dick. Answer the fucking question. I'm on a diet here's one yep cool would you rather

go back to age 14 right so you are straight back to 2000 and what? What's the year when you were born?

92? 2006. So straight back to 2006, you're 14. You, your life, and everything. But you can keep all your memories. You know exactly what you know now. You know what's coming. While you're living from 2006,

you know that the credit crunch is coming. You know that Bitcoin's going to start trading at 10 pence and end up at 17,000 pounds. You know all of the shit. You already know comedy

to a fucking fairly good level. So you start, this 14 year old's good. He's got fucking two hours of stuff. Or, you stay here and I give you 500,000 pounds right now. 2006.

It's not even remotely debatable. Half a million pounds right now. I'd have that within a week. Right. From investing shit. I have underestimated this, you know on the dickinson's real deal when he's got the money out he's like okay what about this i'm gonna put 80 pounds out and they're like i'm gonna need a bit more you're like what 20 pounds i'm just i'm literally gonna

fold out another heart i'm trying to find my line i'm just gonna find you a heart so with all the stuff on offer that's on the table yeah you can take that or one million pounds a million pounds no still 2006 adam you're 28 years old are you how old are you 28 you're 28 i'm giving you a million pounds tax free yeah mate oh our diaries just got ripped out I'll have a million pound at 14 though I'll have a billion at 14 I know everything I know now hang on it's 2006

you're 14 years old how are you going to have a million and a billion how long is that going to take because I know stuff that's coming don't I bitcoin straight away yeah

yeah comedy I know what comedy clubs to invest in I know to get in with Google mate I know to get in with Facebook I know to get in with Google. Mate, if you better. I know to get in with Facebook. I know to get in with Twitter,

Instagram. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, but with what? How would you do it first off?

With all the money I'm making selling sweets on the ad. Fair one. Running me lost, isn't he? Hey, have you heard Adam's gone from selling fucking sherbet dib dabs to fucking Bitcoin? The thing, like,

it's not even debasable though. It's such an easy one how quickly would you do your first gig do you think in your head you'd be like you'd have to go through your set you but straight back to 14 and you're just like this in 2006 you just like on your 14th birthday just go oh god where am, fuck. Dan's right. Dan did it. I'm here. It's 2006.

Holy shit. You'd have to be like, fuck, I'm writing the material down. Right. Oh, shit, that won't work. Oh, shit, that's about Brexit. Oh, fuck, that won't work. I don't do Brexit jokes. Oh, no, I know, but you're not. No, rain.

Humor me. Fucking suspend disbelief. Then you'd be like, oh, that Bill Burr bit's fucking great. It's not written that yet. Oh, fucking brilliant. Oh, I could write that good Freddie Quinn bit. No, no. How good would your first gig be

when you're like, all right, raw hide. We can't let you go on. You're 14. You're like, please, honestly, honestly my parents my dad will bring me down and and everything and they'll stay in the car outside i just want a gig and then

you fucking slay so egg mcmuffin girl can bleed with the back fat guy and then 25 who's never listened to bill bay will not get that reference 25 year old me he going to be like, who's this child? Luckily, my gigs are assured forever. We're so fucking skint. You could bet on football. Yes. Oh, you could bet on football. I would wait until half... Oh, no, it's 2006.

I was going to say half-time at Istanbul, but that was the year before. Oh, that was one of my favourite ones ever. You know why? Bet on Leicester winning the league. That's what you bet on. Mate, Bitcoin traded at fuck all for the first six months a year.

It sold in 2017 at 17,000. So you could basically, for every quid, I think you'd literally make 170 grand so if you put if you literally put 100 quid you've got 170 million exactly and you would offer me 500 grand how much you put how much you're putting on leicester then that that trade up is pretty good how much you're putting on let's gotta leave it in like bitcoin haven't you you've got to like leave it like no you've got to you've got to put your hundred quid in 2011 i'd take a million quid to william hill and make them pay me in cash and walk out with two big fat security guards how much was the odds it was was it five thousand to one five let's say five thousand to one so

that's like five billion in it i don't think will Hill are going to pay that out on the day, mate. Poor Chantel on the counter at William Hill. I'm sorry, I'm going to need to see my manager. Graham! There's a guy here, he's got a winning bet for five billion. She's literally got the slip in her hand like, I think I might get in trouble with my supervisor. She's got the slip in her hand like,

I think I might get in trouble with my supervisor. Chantel, why did you take that bet? I just kept pressing zero. Okay, now, that was a good one. Right, let's crack on, mate. We've got a fucking lockdown to deal with Adam and Dan were comedians From the UK comedy circuit Then Corona hit

Now they're not doing What are you doing? Quite as well This is the patron advert Dan did well. He gigged Sheffield, East Bumblefuck, East Yorkshire, Skipton.

Dan, we've not died. But then they started a podcast and it became their comedic lifeboat in a sea of shit. My name's Adam Rowe and I do not support this message. Oh, I've never gone this far into our tune. It surprised me there. This is like the light from the darkness bit, isn't it?

So we've got a big thank you to say, haven't we? Thank you. For anyone who listened to the surprise, super special extra episode we released on, was it Monday, Tuesday? Episode 11. Episode 11. I just counted it as an episode.

It was a full episode. The content rate is being increased. It is. So anyone who listened to episode 11 will already know. It's us. It's us. We're taking it seriously now we made a big announcement first of all from Monday next week which will be the 23rd

of March we are committing to trying to do an episode every single day now look there might come a time where we miss one or two it might happen life gets in the way and it's very very uncertain times but at the minute that is our fucking plan every single day from monday you're getting a brand new episode of have a word from me and dan and there's a there's an element of without trying to be too

morbid this we've got people in our lives that sort of depend on us and you know if someone gets a bit poorly and not trying to be dramatic but i don't want to be one of those people I'll just go back to school we're not going to be like oh yeah so and so's really poorly we're waiting for updates on them love

I'm just popping upstairs to the studio to just whip out 45 minutes of absolute shite with Adam there is going to be there may be that's the reality

of what's coming it might be but we're trying we'll try our damnedest we're going to try and do an episode a day you'll certainly get a chunk every week and as often as we can get an episode out here it's going to happen and this is not a backtrack asshole don't worry about it from monday tuesday

wednesday you're getting an episode a day that is absolutely our plan uh now to fund that because it's costing us a lot of fucking money to do this we've got none coming in we announced the launch of our patreon page now for those who are unaware what patreon is it's basically a way for fans of like creators who make podcasts or videos or whatever for you to contribute a little bit of dough throw us a little bit of money to say do you know what thanks for making that um and we launched it on tuesday when the episode went out when episode 11 went out and the episode went out half six the the um episode was an hour and a half long and by eight o'clock we'd had about seven eight nine

people and i was in the shop and adam messaged me going lad we've we've had this many people pledged this much yeah i got a bit fucking emotional in a bnm the fact that anyone is willing to pay for this, because at the minute the normal thing to do with Patreon and something we will do long term is to offer people who do pledge a bit of money, like a benefit now long term we are going to do that

once this shutdown's over, once the country's back to normal and we're out of this corona fucking shit hole, the Patreon structure will change a bit and maybe like Patreons we're considering something like maybe they get an extra episode a week if you're one of the patrons yeah totally we'll always we'll always do have a word this episode every week probably the same time the same way yeah there might end up being a members a members episode i don't know we'll work it out that's for down the line yeah it's for down the line that that's something we're going to look at because

obviously once gigs come back and stuff this will go back to one episode a week uh but maybe we'll do a second episode for people on the patreon so everyone who's donated so far um we just want to let you know that because at the minute what we've said is if you sign up to the patreon once the corona thing is all over we're going to do a live show for free to the people who are patreon members if there's any excess tickets, we'll sell them. But if you're a Patreon, you'll get a free ticket to that live show. And you're helping fund the pod.

We're not asking for loads. And as we said on Tuesday, if you're tight like us, if you're self-employed and you've had work, if you've got any financial worries, it's fine. We still want to do what we do. This is what we love doing

we can't do stand up but we love we can do this but if you've got the money three quid five or ten if you're bowling yeah we don't want to take money off anyone who's going through genuine hardship and during this shutdown you're not going to miss out on anything you're not going to miss you're still going to get your daily episode as As soon as an episode comes out, it will go, um, just, just on the normal platforms. It'll go on Apple, Spotify, pod being a cast pocket cast, wherever else you find us,

wherever you listen to us, you're not going to miss out on anything. If you can't afford to join this, but we need people who, who can afford to, so just lashes a bit. If you're enjoying it. Um,

we, we, we've been quite blown away by the support we've had so far. There's still a big shortfall. It's still going to cost us money at the minute to run it. And the more people that join, the better of a chance we have of being able to do this every single day. You can go to patreon.com slash have a word pod

and you can donate either £3, £5 or £10 a month. What we've committed to is the £3 and £5 people, that's the equivalency you buy in us either a pint or a pint each. And the people putting a tenner in, we're so grateful for that. And you're now officially producers of our podcast. And at the end of every episode, we will read out the names of everyone who is lashing a tenner in.

You're officially part of the team. And if you're putting three and five in, you're a massive part of the team as well. Without a load of you, this wouldn't be happening. We financially wouldn't be able to do it everyone who's donated so far from the bottom of our hearts i know this is a bit sincere for what is normally a very light and funny podcast we're so so fucking grateful and blown away by the fact people are essentially paying for stuff that you would get for free anyway we it's appreciated it's also i had to write on the £10 option on Patreon,

in brackets, Dan will give you a BJ. That was a high point in my career. That's in writing. £10 a month, I suck your dick. It's in writing. We've got to get through this quarantine together. I think it's actually illegal to give a stranger a blowjob at the minute.

He's going to have to put his dick through the letterbox, like one of your delivery boys but yeah thank you so much shall we read the names now of the £10 patrons we absolutely can I haven't got any other music

can I do oh shit sorry it's not in memoriam so it is our producers you are officially a producer of this podcast if your name is Stephen Theobald,

Aaron Ledbetter, Liam D. We haven't got to say a name for you, lad, but you put your name as Liam and your email's just D something. Daniel Newman, Alan Flynn, John White, Matt Delmaine, Mickey T, a.k.a. Donatello. They're all men. They all want blowjobs.

Go on, go on, go on. Chris Southend, Rachel Whiteley. There you go. She's got a mega clit she's a doctor who's working through day and night for the nhs in manchester she probably self-diagnosed a mega clit fucking jesus george mush micro penis george mush george mush um Jesus. George Mush. Micro penis, George Mush. George Mush. Mark Hughes, Russell Waring, Dan Thomas,

Danny Gilligan, Damien Rock and Lee Grant. Legends. Appreciate you. That's enough of being, you know, appreciative. Let's crack on with the actual pod.

Yeah. Thank you very much. And if you haven't already, if you can't afford it, go and sign up. Have a weird pod. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Nice one, guys.

We appreciate it. Cheers, lad. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawordpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. Let's do the... Oh, I was nearly doing your thing. Let's do some have a words.

I'm singing first. Go fuck yourself Adam La la la la la la la la Oh you're really annoyed You really I didn't know No I liked it Go on you do yours

It's time for have a word With Adam and Dan Send us all the problems That you have with your friends We'll solve them for you For now is a daily podcast. Have a word the podcast. Shut down daily.

You need a fucking editor. Right. Let's go. Yes. First dilemma. Oh, shit. The bed. Before we do.

Fuck, I forgot. What? We got an email. Do you remember in episode 8 Chris was talking about his missus Shitting with the door open Proper asking us to have a word Oh yeah

Response email Episode 7 Episode 7 Yeah if you haven't already listened to that Go and listen to episode 7 It's trending really well Hiya lads It's Steph from episode 7

It's Steph When Chris She's the girl that shits with the door open. Chris is bird. Chris is bird is emailed. She's the one that shits with the door open. She shits with the door open. Chris emailed, asked us to have a word. Yeah. Because she tweets with the door open

and he doesn't like seeing it or smelling it. It's Steph. Let me read it. It's Steph from episode 7. When Chris cried in about me. Oh, that's beautiful. When Chris cried in I me oh that's beautiful when chris cried in i can tell she's a cow about me shitting with the door open he works from home anyway but i've been sent to work to home so i've been sent home from work now too he thought it was bad before well he's in for a shitty quarantine because i do 90 of my shitting on work time. Unlucky. You might as well get paid for it, girl. She's signed

out by going, getting paid to poo. Oh, that's amazing. I don't like it when Steph does poos, like, once every four days. She's like, Chris, come here! I'm getting paid for this, Chris, you lad. I'm the fucking bread winner, the bread eater, and the bread

shitter. Oh, mate, I think I fancy Steph. You know nothing about her? She just seems like a woman, mate. She'll do you some bum play. So the one thing it takes for you to fancy a woman is that she'll shit with the door open and really dig her heels in about it. Does she not sound attractive to you?

She sounds like she's going to be slightly aggressive in bed but a good laugh down the pub. She sounds like she's in bed is that what you want no that wasn't implied was there was a pause there where you were like i don't know no that's for the toilet doodoo's for the toilet it's disgusting nice one steph um if anyone unlucky quiz if anyone else has been a victim of one of our have a word sections and you've got a reply get them in um okay so the first have a word for this episode hi adam slash dan hope you can have a word with me wife we're all bored in this quarantine working from home however as a guy who's gamed for years it's not really going to bother me the issue is that i'm having is that the ps4 is in the living room

because that's where the best Wi-Fi connection is. And my wife usually just goes and sits in her bedroom to watch TV all day. But now, because of the quarantine, she's sitting downstairs to watch her telly just out of spite because she knows I'm not going to be as bored as she is because I'm quite happy playing my games. She knows she's annoying me, but she's still doing it. Can you have a word? Cheers.

Preferably anonymous from Gary. she's annoying me but she's still doing it can you have a word cheers preferably anonymous from Gary she sounds like a fucking menace don't she see Jade's gonna start

doing shit like this she is at the minute there's a telly in our bedroom she's got another telly in the office and we've got a telly

downstairs now the telly downstairs is where the Playstation is and my Playstation because play fifa and lag fucking ruins the game is plugged into the modem i can't play fifa any other room in the house and i guarantee jade's gonna be fucking spiteful in like a week when i'm just like i'm actually doing all right i'm doing the podcast every day that sound i'm driving to chester doing a pod coming back i feel like i've just got a job and i just work in Dan's and then I come back and I can just play FIFA.

It doesn't really affect me. This is really great. And she's going to be going out of her fucking mind and she's going to want to get her kicks from making me feel like shit. So, Mr. Anonymous, I'm fully on your side here, lad. And do you know what you need to do? Tell her to fuck off. Cause fucking murder.

Make her cry. And then she'll go to either a Mars or to a bedroom. Be nasty. Nasty as fuck. Upset her. Not to go to a Mars in a full shutdown. She's in the house. In the garden.

Then she can go in the garden or to a bedroom. In a kennel. Just upset her. Say something really horrible that you know will fucking get to her. And she'll fuck off for a bit. Oh my God. You have to tell it to yourself. That is evil genius.

Right. I've done the jobs around the house.. You have to tell it to yourself. That is evil genius. Right. Right. I've done the jobs around the house. Now I want to tell it to myself. Oi, fatty! You know where to go! Or maybe, if she's really on it,

that just makes her dig her heels in. Oh yeah, you're calling me fatty? Well, I can't get my fat ass out of this fucking chair in the living room. There's absolutely no way

she won't break first. No? She'll break first. I'm going just off my feet. Do you think jade is genuine i don't know this guy's this guy's guy that they sound like a really healthy couple but um well i love it as like she usually she just goes and sits upstairs and i have to look at her or talk to her but all of a sudden i think she's gonna be evil about it i think how you were before is going to be more important i think you are going to have to be like this is my little space here and that's yours let's not pretend it's like sometimes when you're doing gigs you know oh it's the first night off i've had in six days let's get a takeaway and watch a film together that's going to change in it it's like right it's the ninth night i've had in nine days could you sit somewhere else, please? Just go away.

I think if any partner's got the inclination to be like, I'm going to stay in your area. Not touching you, not touching you. Can't get mad, not touching, can't get mad, not touching, can't get mad. It's a little bit scary. Have you prepped for, like, because I've gone beyond food and all of that stuff.

Like, I bought a chainsaw because I'm looking at the garden and going, well, I was going to get a guy into chopped stuff you're not buying enough of the garden and zombies you're scared of the zombies

and zombies come on well I've got a chainsaw for zombies you've been playing too much Resident Evil it's the garden stroke

maybe zombies potential zombies but yeah I started prepping stuff also we moved house we didn't have any garden furniture and I was like

oh fuck it's the kind of thing you don't think about it's the kind of thing you don't think about. It's the kind of thing, as soon as the sun comes out, you go, let's go down, fucking be in queue, be in a...

Get some fucking furniture. And I was like, I had to preempt it. So I've done that. I started panic buying garden furniture. Do you know you're starting to give yourself a Scouse accent in these little fantasy stories? I know. You'll never walk alone in my fucking...

My Twitter. My Twitter My Twitter Hand on What's that? You don't know Rafa Benitez Can I make That was 2006 wasn't it? Have you already

Gone back in time? No no no I'm not a Liverpool fan We've conquered all of Europe We're never gonna stop From Paris down to Turkey We've won the fucking lot But Paisley and Bill Shankly

The fields of Anfield Road We are low supporters And we come from Liverpool Right I'm going to make I'm going to make up I'm going to make up some Liverpool Everton fans have just turned off

Unsubscribed And taken the Patreon Consumptions away I'm going to make up Some Liverpool chants For when I Never to become a scouser And then get a season ticket

Ready? Dejan Lovren He's at the back he's not great but he does a job sometimes hey

I'm never going to match with you I'll do another I'll do another Firmino Firmino he's about 70%

tooth look how you can't laugh about Liverpool I've got no humour about it with 25 points clear Daniel oh it's yours it's yours yeah but

look I can't just accept that from you just shut down Twitter you're not allowed on Twitter anymore I can't help it just unfollow he shall not be named you'll be alright

sorry I tried to do Liverpool football club jokes no you're gonna clap you're gonna clap he's a bloody nice bloke i wish he was my dad okay yeah yeah i'd love to take you to the match and see you do that scouts are throwing pints everywhere from you'll never walk alone i've been anfield i've been anfield in the home end uh been the cop i've been in the cop twice and the one that there's you know the big um i've been in the. I've been Anfield. In the home end? I've been the cop. I've been in the cop twice. And the one that there's, you know, the big, I've been in the away.

Do you know how many angry scouts are listening to this now? I can't get a fucking ticket. And this fucking Watford cunt is sitting in the fucking cop. Hang on. Hang on. Let me tell you who scored that day. Steve McManaman. So let me just date my story.

It's not the, it's not the Invincibles until they played Watford. It's 1996. Oh, Jesus. Right, all right. End of Liverpool. End of Liverpool. All right. Javier Moreno.

Is he still in the... Javier Moreno? What's it called? There's no one under that name. What was the left-back called? Albert Moreno. Albeiro Moreno.'s it called there's no one under that name what was the left back called Albert Moreno Alberto Moreno

oh okay oh sorry got Javier and Albert wrong yeah and he doesn't play there anymore okay good he played with Steve McManaman I have identified

what is going to be a problem on the shutdown dailies because this episode has been one of the most fun ones until I started trying to do this banter and you seem tetchy so I'm really upset about fuzzing okay we're not going to talk about it anymore no i can't believe you're taking the piss out of me when my nan's dead liverpool's title she's only been dead like 15 years what she only died 15 years ago what does she die of your ma

pneumonia actually so it doesn't doesn't make sense pneumonia she had coronavirus before it was fucking cool lad whose voice was that why am I doing a fake scouse accent on top of the one that I've already got

is that old school alcoholism coronavirus we've had coronavirus for ages in our family Irish descent fucking smear off virus lad

holy shit this is getting off the rails mate sorry I genuinely wasn't trying to annoy you then but I honestly I'm playing this up

for comic effect no you're not you gave me death eye so upset me nasty bitch nah

upset me you upset me it's true though Jurgen Klopp would be a great dad wouldn't he wouldn't he be he'd be a great

Premier League winning manager that's what he'd fucking be Adam you're gonna be alright no I'm not so preferably

anonymous listen lads tell your bird to fucking swivel there you go and if she listens Adam's lost all his sympathy for other humans

fuck you fuck your bird and fuck Javi humans Fuck you, fuck your bird And fuck Javi Moreno Who's he? Your bird needs to get a fucking move on And if she listens to this I don't know what Basically, he's asked to be anonymous

So I imagine it means his missus does listen to it So fuck off Get out the way, let him play his game Don't be a rat I think people are going to get bored of squabbling aren't they and they're going to be like oh god it's just ongoing

because you can't be like right I'm going to the fuck yeah right I'm going to the laundry room leave me alone I'm standing in the kitchen

playing Tamagotchi oh my god I'm going to dig out me Game Boy Color and Pokemon Blue wow Yamaguchi. Oh, my God. I'm going to dig out my Game Boy Color and Pokemon Blue. Wow. Start a new Pokemon? What? Did you miss Pokemon? Yeah, I was about 29 when Pokemon came.

I think that's going to be really good for the boredom. Is it? Pokemon Blue or Yellow or Red. I'm not joking. What is your plan for the boredom. Is it? Pokemon Blue or Yellow or Red. The original. I'm not joking. What is your plan for boredom? What's your plan? Because we can do this, and this is going to be fun.

And anyone who's like, I'm going to do some writing, fuck off. Well, this is going to take up a few hours a day, most days. Great. There's a lot left. Wanking next to Jade. Yeah. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes is like 5 times a day thinking about Jurgen Klopp that's 20 what's the rest of the day look like bit of scrolling Instagram and Twitter promoting the podcast

yeah probably do a few hours playing FIFA and I genuinely I'm going to dig out my Game Boy Color and Pokemon Blue have you got no other

what to do what have you got what is there to do gardening no it's a rental innit I'm not fucking doing some cunt's garden up.

Especially are we going to do the can we talk about your landlord? Yeah we can. Because you're definitely not doing his garden up.

No. So I hope he listens to this. Hey shout out to Amy Gledill's landlord who she posted on Twitter. She's a mate of ours comedian.

Yeah wasn't her landlord just basically like don't worry it's going to be sound she didn't message him he preemptively messaged her listen I know you're worried

and I know your industry is just taking a kick because he knows that she's a performer but don't worry get through it we're not going to expect rent or anything

and then everyone was like that's so lovely let me screenshot what my landlord said pay the fucking money obviously like mortgages have been frozen haven't they so you don't have to Then everyone was like, that's so lovely. Let me screenshot what my landlord said. Pay the fucking money. Obviously, mortgages have been frozen, haven't they? So you don't have to pay the mortgage on your house for three months while the country gets back on its fees.

I need to check that that's happening. Has that definitely happened? Yeah, it happened two days ago. All right, cool. So at the minute, the government's haven't put any such restrictions in place on rent. So at the minute, rent is technically still due, but I imagine in the coming days they're going to be forced to do that.

I just gave my landlord a chance to be sound. So I just text him and said, Hi, John, with the government... Oh, yeah, his name's John. Hi, John, with the government announcing mortgage holidays for three months, will you be passing this on to your tenants as suspending rent payment for three months as a result of the coronavirus outbreak?

Could really do with it, mate. I'm out of work. I've got no gigs, and there's not going to be any for a while. Best regards, Adam. No. That guy should never... That's the end of the conversation, by the way.

That guy should never volunteer for the Samaritans. I'm thinking about killing myself. Stop being a fanny. Should I kill myself? No. Next. Yeah, just no. So please go and sign up to patreon.com.

Please. Adam's landlord John's a cunt for just £3 a month you can feed Adam, Jade Daniel Etta Minnie

and Laura who? Minnie me dog I thought you knew we were pregnant you know when people call their like

bumpers like bumps I was like this is a way weird way of Laura telling me we're pregnant. No, I've got a little dog called Minnie. She's great. She's the first to go, though, isn't she?

Of all of the people you just listed, if everyone gets hungry, Minnie's gone. No. Could you eat your dog? No. Would you rather? Go on. No, I'm joking, but I mean... I'd kill my little brother before I killed my dog.

Oh, no, Jack! No, no, Jack, lad! Jack's gone. No, mate. Yeah I killed my dog. Oh, no, Jack. No, no, Jack, lad. Jack's gone. No, mate. Yeah, me, Minium, Jaded, Chair Jack. Nom, nom, nom. He's his legs. My dog's like the best...

That's why I've got a chainsaw for you, mate. My dog's the only thing getting me through this. She's fucking great, because she's oblivious to this doomsday shit. So every morning I wake up, she's like, Daddy! Let's play! It's got a ball!

Oh, no. It's bright! It's on a ball! It's bright again! Can we go out? Can we go for a walk? Like, now! Can we go for a walk now, though? Like, let's go for a walk now. She's fucking amazing. I love me dog. Yeah, I'd kill you before I killed her. I wish your dog had an Indian accent in your head. Well, it doesn't.

Daddy, Daddy! It's another lovely day. That's not Indian. That's your Nigerian. Or your Geordie. No, what are you talking about? Change date. Let's go for a walk.

Why are they not speaking properly? This is why your accents are offensive and mine aren't. Okay? Adam. Adam fucking Roe row how dare you no listen you can do an accent as long

just as offensive as yours no you can do an accent as long as you don't say the word wrong you keep holding to that as if it's like

the law it is you can do because it's about the statement you're making if you say what did i do wrong you said can i go for a walk not can i go for a walk can i go for a walk yeah that's that's

okay can i go for a walk yeah that's wrong no it's not i did it quick it's more wrong that it's a dog that's why i like us like me me saying i went to the trip yesterday and the lady who works there may she's wonderful she has to listen to the chip yesterday and the lady who works there may she's wonderful she has to listen to the podcast so hi may and she she loves this and she was like do you want salt and vinegar on your chips that's fine but to go you want salt finger on your chi that's not okay because what you're saying is chinese people can't say those words properly that's the statement you're making you're allowed to do an accent doing a chinese accent and saying the words properly is the same as doing a birmingham accent and saying the words properly. That's the statement you're making. You're allowed to do an accent. Doing a Chinese accent and saying the words properly

is the same as doing a Birmingham accent and saying the words properly. You can't make the statement that people can't do the words. I get it. You're very offensive, Daniel. We've heard you fucking the argument of a...

I don't want to speak to you about this ever again. This is awful. No. I have a wonderful lexicon. Naughty Daniel. My dialect is perfect Adam and Dan

are having their first disagreement If I get a dog I want it to speak like a fucking Southside LA What's up motherfucker? Yeah Wake up motherfucker Take my ass for a walk

I reckon we should try and get in touch With D-O-double-G What are the D-O-double-G? I reckon we should try and get in touch with the fella who used to doouble-G. What are the D-O-double-G? I reckon we should try and get in touch with the fellow who used to do the voiceover for Big Brother and try and get him to do something for the podcast. Day nine of the shutdown daily. Mate, I think that's, of all the actions you've done,

that's the most offensive. Day nine. Day nine of shutdown daily. Adam and Dan have run out of things to say to each other and are just coughing into the mic. Right, that was offensive to Geordie's. Why? Some of my best friend are Geordie's.

Day 9. I didn't do that. Oh, that was bad, man. Day 9. Day 19. Of the self-imposed quarantine what's wrong with that oh you're my favorite bellend day four day four we need to get in touch it's gotta be i was aware

oh my god it feels like if you went back to 2006 and did this D name bit, it'd still be hack. You've been doing this at 14 years old. Everyone's like, oh, God. Dear Twins. You see Adam and Daniel in their natural habitat. There's David Attenborough now. Oh, my God.

He's doing Adam and Daniel in their natural habitat. Why are you making David Attenborough sound like a paedophile? Well, he's a bit of an animal non-sinny no sir upset me nasty bitch you will not speak ill

of uncle David and I tell you what we're 12 episodes in but I will draw the fucking line of this sir if you come out tomorrow

that David Attenborough had fucked a deer on a scale of 1 to 10 how surprised would you be? Why? Why? The thing you just put in my head is like

fucking killing a unicorn. You've just bum-raped an angel. That's an awful thing to say. He's a demigod that walks among us. He's a saint. Do you used to say that about Jimmy Savile? No, he was a wrong one, wasn't he? Don't you used to say he about Jimmy Savile? No, he was a wrong one, wasn't he?

Don't you used to say he was dead sound? Did loads of charity work. I'm just saying the hide and plain sight. I'm not saying he is a nonce. I'm saying he might

have fucked a badger. Now then, now then, now then. It sounds a bit like Freddy Quinn. Who the fuck is that guy? Oh, he's a paedophile. Predatory, predatory paedophile.

Well, this has been very Freddy heavy. Don't say that about Uncle David. I'm not saying he does it. I'm saying... No, no, I'm not joking. This is the line. Oh, you know about Liverpool?

Hey, Sir David Attenborough is my LFC. Daniel is getting pissed off with Adam for suggesting that I once fucked a deer. Oh. Adam did not say that I did. He's just saying... wouldn't be a bitch. Sadio Mane, Sadio Mane. You can do his voice if you do the words right.

Sadio Mane, Sadio Mane. He looks futuristic and he plays on the right. He plays on the left. Oh, nearly got it. Does he never play on the right? No. Fuck, you're a bunch of bitch. I can see that this is going to just become me and you

trying to wind each other up. I was actually quite impressed with my freestyle. Tell your beards to swivel, preferably anonymous. Mate, you love closure on everything, don't you? Everyone's forgotten about that. That's like literally two episodes ago. Oh, yeah. And by the way, no one gives a fuck.

Next one. You do really like closure. I do. Like, I can't. I can't help. That's why I hate comedians whose stories go nowhere. What was the end? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. Final one. Adam and Dave. Hello, Dave. Please help. As if it's not stressful enough wondering where our next nine pack of Andrex is coming from my 12 year old son Oliver is continuing to go through a whole roll in 24

hours instantly anxious it's fucking ridiculous in normal circumstances but when we're in a bog roll Armageddon It's stressing me out I would pay to see that remake Bog roll Armageddon

Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck Trying to save the world's toilet roll I think they'd accept the rolls Their careers aren't doing well They don't really want to do it Yes I'm that cringe mum that Openly questions him about whether he's Using it to wank

What Mate she don't fuck about Yes, I'm that cringe mum that openlessly questions him about whether he's using it to wank. What?! Mate, she don't fuck about. Of course I use the phrases play with your willy or masturbate. That's worse. Her name's Davina, by the way. Davina, that's worse. You can't ask your 12-year-old son, are you using that loo roll to play with your willy?

Were you wanking at 12 I was a late bloomer he swears he's not doing it for that and it's being used for poo alone no I'm going to answer you in a minute I'm just going to get it out and he closes he swears he's using it for poo alone

please have a word with Oliver he just doesn't listen to me and maybe you might say something to help him stop being such a selfish little dick. Keep up the good work, tar guys. So there's a 12-year-old called Oliver who listens to our podcast funnily. Oh, I'm sorry. Can I just say Davina has been one of our most vocal supporters on Twitter.

Assuming it is that Davina. Yeah, I think it is, yeah. She's on self-isolation. You can't say play with you. But yeah, I was definitely wanking by 12. Yeah, euphemisms don't work if you're talking about wanking Do you know what I mean It's not even a euphemism is it Play with you willy is not a euphemism

Playing the trumpet is a euphemism Yeah that's true Are you using that to play with your trumpet Are you flicking your dick I'm on her side But you've just got to be a bit less cringy So we're absolutely on her side Watching you just gotta be a bit less cringy so we're absolutely on the side watching kids wipe their ass is fucking horrific and i'm obviously at the earlier stage of like

that painful thing and etta's now like i want to do it you're like darling you're just getting shit in more places and now there is there's the quarantine and now there's the lack of toilet roll every time i watch you try and do it i'm like oh my god where's the lack of toilet roll. Every time I watch her try and do it, I'm like, oh my God, where's the cartridge pressure washer? So we're on her side. But, oh, don't say to your 12-year-old, are you using that to play with your willy? Or masturbate? It sounds so clinical.

They just do it into the sheets anyway. Which 12-year-olds like cleaning up after this long. Jazz into your socks. Come on your belly and rub it in. Oh, shut up nasty bitch absolutely upset me

so were you not wanking a 12 no no how old were you if you say 20 I I thought

this is an embarrassing story isn't it I thought a few weeks ago I wonder if we're ever going to get round to this. Oh my God, I'm so excited. I wish, because the cameras aren't on, this can't even be the clip,

so I wish everyone listening to this could see how nervous you look. You look like you're about to tell me you're gay. It's like you're coming out. What if I am? It's fine. I like cake. How old?

I lost my virginity before I had a wank no what no now before i had a orgasm yeah i mean i jazzed my knickknacks overnight in a wet dream but i actually got laid before i had a wank what i got statutory raped what By a girl from drama group. What? I mean, I wanted to. What? I think I asked. But she was still older.

Legally, I'm the victim. So how old were you then? 29. I was 14. You were 14 and she was what, 15, 16? She was 16. Right. Okay.

But you hadn't wanked at that point? No. No, I'd not. Right. I'd tried tried but i didn't know what i was doing right so when i was that age i had a couple of mates john lloyd and john john tats right john lloyd and john tats yeah and john lloyd's uh parents used to go and bike a weekend. And his brother was about, I'd say he was probably about 17, 18, and looked about 36, and used to go and drink at the snooker club all day. And so me, John Lloyd, and Tats went round to John Lloyd's house,

and he got his brother's porno tapes out. Tapes. Put them on in the living room. You don't know, I'm sure you'd age on every episode. Yeah, I know. Put them in the living room I'm sure you'd age on every episode put them in the living room not oh yeah shit we should have been doing this Dan was 14

so this is before I'd lost my virginity we used to go round to John Lloyd's house and in the living room, he'd put the porn on and then he'd go into the kitchen and get a piece of kitchen roll and give one to me,

one to Tats and one to him and they'd all put the coats, we'd all put our coats over our crotches. You had a wanking club? And we had a little wanking club. Oh my God. Yeah. This is the sad bit.

I hadn't had an orgasm at that point and they all had and so did you fake an orgasm i used to pretend oh my god i used to just chiggle my hand like they were doing but not touch your dick i didn't know what i was doing i sort of just some i just didn't know what to do and then john ll Lloyd would be like, oh, finished! Have you finished? And I'd used to scrunch up the kitchen roll and throw it in the bin and that went on for about six months. In that time, I actually lost my virginity and I didn't orgasm then either

because I didn't know what I was doing and my willy just wasn't playing ball. So I had sex at this girl's house in the living room. It was a lot of living room. Oh, living room. Have you broke the first rule of wanking club here, by the way? Yeah. I think statute of limitations.

It's a while ago. And then anyway, this went on for ages. And then I can't remember how long after that this was, but we were all back at John Lloyd's house. And I was doing it and I was just sort of, I didn't know what to do. No one had shown me that you go up and down, you willy. So sometimes I sort of went left and right. Like it was a gear stick.

Like when a girl has not, like, ever watched porn, and she blows on your dick. She's like, yeah. It's called a blowjob. Anyway, obviously, I'd passed the point of some maturity, and this one afternoon, I can literally remember me being there right now i got this warm sensation in my crotch and this absolute flood and i thought i was about to wee

i thought i was doing an involuntary wee and i jizzed the biggest load of jizz ever in my fucking under my jacket in in my jacket and i and because i'd been pretending to orgasm for about six months I had to just play it off I literally wanted to go oh my god gentlemen what is this what is this fiery

crotch heaven but I had to be like and you enjoyed it so much you were like do you know what I'm doing this wherever I want from now on. Me bedroom, buses. And you know what? I never went back to John Lloyd's house ever again. Because honestly, in the aftermath, I was like,

have you been doing that in front of me? You dirty fuckers. That is a wonderful, wonderful private thing. I cannot believe that you had the fucking temerity to have a go at me for wanking next to my girlfriend when you were doing it next to your 14 year old friends

how dare you come shame me I only did it once you dirty boy you dirty dirty man it's bad innit that's a bad first wank story innit it's an awful first wank story I feel like I've been assaulted by listening to it

funny though innit incredible this is the best episode of the podcast this is the best episode by a mile Dan's revelation should be a new feature I haven't got any more wanking stories I don't believe you I've built up to it

I don't believe you I didn't think you could top wanking on I don't believe you I've built up to it I don't believe you I didn't think you could top wanking on a stagecoach and you've just managed to do it do you know what I got like a bit I got a bit sort of

in my own head about wanking when I was a kid because like I hadn't been taught how to do it but I just apparently just

I didn't have the same problem as you I knew what to do got me two fingers rubbed it up and down and not come out ooh the old the old pipette wank yeah little finger one yeah yeah yeah yeah I knew what to do Got me two fingers Rubbed it up and down And Not and come out Ooh Yeah

The old Yeah The old pipette wank Yeah Little finger one yeah Yeah yeah yeah Like you were wanking off A small animal

But I loved it Like straight away How old? I don't know 10, 11, 12 Whatever How many witnesses? None

I was a normal child Where was the journey to? Imagination town. But, like, at school, a wanker was still used as an insult. You'd still call people a wanker. Yeah. And, like, I'd hear my dad, like, come home from work and be like, fucking Gary at work today, he's a fucking wanker.

So I knew it was, like, a negative thing. And because I was enjoying it I had like a little phase of depression I was walking around like I'm a wanker oh little laddo little laddo

the ten year old wanker are you catholic? yeah like very much lapsed yeah but you're giving up good catholic vibes there

you're not a man of god you're not a man of god I You're not a man of God. I'm a wanker. Please forgive me, Father, for I have wanked. Oh, that's the last place you want to go. Oh, that's the last place you want to go with that story. Getting in a box with a priest. Come into confession, Vincent.

Yeah, I had wank depression. I wank shamed meself. I'm a wanker. Everyone says wankers are bad people, and I'm definitely one of them because I'm doing it six times a day. Oh, no. What's your record? Too far.

11. What? 11. Hey. On a hangover. Oh, my God. And I watch some fucked up shit when I'm hungover as well. 11. Adam. Five's too many. on a hangover oh my god and I watch some fucked up shit when I'm hungover as well 11

Adam 5's too many 11 you can make yourself sore even with 11 thumb and index and do you know what

the first 8 were really enjoyable the last 3 were just for sport yeah they're the subs bench really aren't they I mean Dirk's looking at me like again really

let me go Eleven Let me die sir But I'm I get like weirdly Dick's just like Please sir No more sir

Let me die You're not a man of God sir Kill me Kill me with your shiny boot We'll have to wrap this shit up But I will say Thank you again To everyone who signed

up to the patreon and if you can't afford it go and do that for us spread the word as well please like we're gonna be doing a lot of this if you've got mates like fuck i'm bored just go mate have a listen to it it's not gonna be for everyone as the last four minutes of podcast have assured not for everyone your nana's like i've got nothing to listen to this ain't for nan nans gaga's not into this and if she is what the fuck erm

yeah spread the word for us keep like even if you're already tweeting about it keep tweeting about oh

here's one thing a little social media lesson for people if you put at have a word pod at the start of a tweet no one will see that apart from us

so it's like replying to one of our tweets if you're gonna tweet about the podcast put a little message first so like oh I'm one of our tweets. If you're going to tweet about the podcast, put a little message first. So like, Oh, I'm really enjoying this lads.

Thank you. Then I have a word pod. That's how you spread the word for us. Yeah. And if, if you know, John Lloyd and tats, don't tweet them.

I'm going to find them in the fucking yellow pages or the phone book, whatever one it is. I don't know. Let's close it out. Cause we're going to start strong on Monday. Aren't we? We're coming back Monday. Keep,

keep spreading the words, keep leaving us reviews,'re coming back Monday. Keep spreading the words. Keep leaving us reviews. Do whatever you can. And most importantly, get some submissions in. We need submissions of all kinds. Whatever you want us to talk about, we will. And more importantly, we need some songs. We're running low on songs.

As the next song, the song that we're ending this episode will show you. This is an original song by Dan Nightingale that we're ending with today. More of a call to arms than a song, to be honest. But if you're in a band or you're a solo artist and you've got some music, get them over to haveawirdpod at gmail.com and playing us out right now is Dan Nightingale. It's just a public service announcement for listeners,

what's coming. If there is going to be a full lockdown, I just want to give a little bit of inspiration. Just stay strong. We're going to be all right. See you Monday, lad. See you Monday, mate. In a bit.

Adam, listeners, patrons, friends. Although we live in, as of very recently, unusual, disconcerting, almost scary times. And although things are about to change dramatically for us, for the whole country, for the civilised world, even for the people of Hull. Although the future seems uncertain, daunting, even frightening. Although you have questions, valid questions, like, is it going to be okay? Will I have food to feed my family? Will I have a job to go back to? Will they deliver bog roll?

And if not, how will I wipe my arse in a fortnight? Will my nana be okay? And has she left me anything in her will? And although Boris Johnson is leading the nation with all the conviction of a paedophile in a busy playground, just remember, cometh the hour, cometh the man, or woman, or person who doesn't identify as either a man or a woman.

Cometh the hour, cometh the person, because we can do this. We can survive. We can shut down. We can stay home. We can sit on the couch, smash Netflix and pretend to be a hero. We can have a month off work. We can have a valid excuse

to not go to the gym. We're not allowed. We can pretend to ourselves and our partners that we're going to do five weeks of gardening, DIY, reading. We can pretend to ourselves and our partners that we're going to do five weeks of gardening, DIY, reading. We can then not do almost all of that shit and pretend it's because we're worried about Nana. We can re-watch The Wire, Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones.

The prob's not The Walking Dead, though. And we can masturbate. By Christ, we can crack one out out not right next to our partner adam somewhere else try out new rooms crack one out in the guest bedroom the shed the loft explore the space explore yourself not in the kitchen though that's rotten and not on a national express because that's not allowed either we can do it at weird times tuesday mid-morning and if holly willoughby isn't on tv we'll use porn and if we get of porn, we'll go old school and use our imagination. You know why? Because we're wankers. British wankers. American wankers. Irish wankers. And to

a lesser extent, Iraqi wankers. And crucially, we are have-a-worders. We can download this podcast. We can download Shutdown Dailies every single bloody day. While this malarkey lasts, we can email in and have Adam and Dan solve domestic disputes. Ask them to have a word. Tell a hangover from hell story. Nominate a ledge of the day. Send in suggestions for would you rather.

And listen to your two favorite morons talk utter bollocks for hours on end. We will tweet at Freddie Quinn. Who the fuck is that guy? But we will survive. We will survive. For this is Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale and we will do this fucking podcast till they turn off the internet

or one of us drops dead of COVID-19. Disgusting! Good luck, everyone. Godspeed. Happy listening. Thank you. You big, glorious, fucking lids. I've got to stop. I've got to stop I've got to stop drinking Monster