Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #121 with Geoff Norcott - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a Word with Adam and Dan. This is the first section.

I've started without a plan you sound quite nasally I do yeah it's not like me yeah why? have you got another cold?

it's pathetic and I don't even want to I don't know what it is but I'm trying to ignore it so just please ignore it I'm hoping it just goes away I'm sick of being weakened that was sort of our government's plan

for the coronavirus. It's a political start. We get a bit edgy. We'll say what we... We're not keen on old Boris Johnson. And sometimes we let loose the bloody rapscallion. Adam? Comedy's back.

Oh! Comedy's back. Oh, it's nice Oh Comedy's back Oh it's nice It's good It's given me a cold But it's worth it I feel like I've never been away Like I've done six sets this week

In three days And it's just Been Great Last night was even better Because the first two nights of the week As some of the Viewers and listeners will know

Was Adam and I were friends And I i hosted on headline the shows and there was a lot there dan was there i'm one of his friends now um and then last night i just got to do two sets didn't have to host as well just got to rock on and just do 20 minutes and last night was particularly fun especially the late show because i'm just i said this to you a couple of weeks ago this break from comedy the security of having this podcast has given me such liberation to be like i'm literally gonna say what would make me laugh and if it winds some people up so like i was doing a bit last night about a girl that I fucked who died. And half the room loved it. About a quarter of the room were like, where's he going with this?

And a quarter really were like, no. But I really enjoyed that quarter of the room's reaction as well. I was like, yeah, yeah, you're absolutely entitled to go. Nah. That's a great sign, though, if you're doing that as basically new material. Is that a bit of a refurb on an old bit? Sort of. Yeah, but so long ago that it is a new bit, really.

Wasn't it a tour? Edinburgh show. Theme-ish, yeah. Edinburgh show, yeah. It was the closing routine of an Edinburgh show that not many people saw. And it's also, what, four or five years ago? Yeah.

So it's basically new isn't it yeah because like the people who are now fans of mine will have never seen it i've got a bit like that from the 2018 show about why it's smart to be a christian that i thought it was a really good bit and again played to 55 people and i did a fews. That might come back because it's not something I hawked around the circuit for a year and a half, polished, everyone saw it. It's just a bit that, you know, was decent in the Edinburgh show. That's basically, if I brought that back now, that would be like new material, like your bit.

But if only a, if half the room loved it on a new bit, basically, that's a great return in it that's that bit now i haven't done it six times is is not done but like i could do that on tour and not change it and it'd be fine like already because it just works and it the way i open the routine it seems i'm not going to ruin it in case people are coming this week or to the tour or whenever but it's so it's in the middle of a route in the middle of like the bit about covid the small bit that i've put together about that and the opening lines of this routine looks like i'm just doing a hard left and by the end of the joke you realize i'm not i'm just fucking around with the audience's emotions and it's the best bit the sweat do you you remember my swear on your life bit?

Yeah. Which was one of my favourite bits of stand-up ever when I came back from the stag do and my sister made me swear on my life that we didn't go to strippers. She's like, swear on your life. Swear on Laura's life. Swear on your daughter's life.

And it made the crowd a bit, they were all with me like, would you swear on your own life? Would you swear on your wife's life and it made the crowd they were all with me like would you swear on your own life would you swear on your wife's life and then i was like swearing your daughter's life and they were like dan come on wait hey hey i know it's a comedy club we don't swear on children's lives and i love fucking with them on that because that's good stand-up isn't it it isn't all like remember this have you done this sometimes it's fucking around with the ethics and the morals of a of a social situation and when you get that push and pull especially with a newbie you're like i'll learn how far i can pull that and i'll work out

when i need to push it but in that early stage if you're getting that reaction that's gonna be a that's gonna be a belter in it yeah and plus you've got 43 sets between now and Saturday, so you should basically have an Edinburgh show by Sunday morning. So congratulations, all the gigs in the world.com. I've got nine more sets this week, yeah. I've got two tonight, four tomorrow, and three on Saturday. So I wrote a 15-minute set of new material with a couple of bits, and on Monday I was slagging off my family, I was slagging off my family i was slagging off you i was slagging

off the government i was like why am i getting stressed it's because i was getting stressed because i haven't done a set since october the 31st and then i'm trying to do new material and i did something that i've not done for years i wrote it out verbatim just i just i was like i need to do this because i feel so out of practice i didn't want to get up there and be like oh bloody covid so i was like i'm actually writing it now i didn't then like like i think a lot of new comics treat it almost like a monologue like they're an actor they write it out and you can see it at beat the frog or new comedy nights when someone's performing the script that they've written and you're like this is an actor doing comedy which is fine it's how i started you can

really tell when uh when they're doing that when they get a laugh when they weren't expecting to and it throws the rhythm off do you know what i mean they're like wait no no no no laughter there please but you laugh when i take a breath help me get it in yeah it helped me get and obviously with experience you are just used to the laughs or the lack of like like it's funny because the thing that that put me off on monday is i got the end of a bit that i've really made longer than it needed to be and it's actually i think it's got legs i shortened it down for tuesday and at the end i just got to the end of it and i had managed to build up to lovely jams as a punchline and the crowd went what and i and i

laughed because just four hours before i'd written that down and gone well that will smash tell you what about dan he he's one of the best preserve punchline comedians on the circuit it actually put me off that no one laughed like it's so funny i was like of course they didn't laugh it was a jam punchline you fucking idiot i was watching you do that and so without ruining the routine for people watching it was like uh uh getting suggestions for stuff you might want to buy a bit, wasn't it? It's about targeted marketing online. And you're like, some lovely jam.

And then I seen you take a pause. And you then revealed on stage the reason for that pause was you were like, that's going to be the applause break. And it wasn't. It looked to me like you'd ran out of things to list. It looked like I was like, that wasn't meant to do a fifth thing there. And you can't out of things to list it looked like i was like that was meant to do a fifth thing there and he can't think of another thing it's so funny when you come up with a with new material you come up with it and then you go i think this is the point i'm making

this is the sort of this is the funny in it and then to get there you need the sort of detail and the frills to explain the point and that that example of like you wouldn't have a shop assistant if it would be unhelpful if it was just random things and i sat there on i was like right random things and if you ever need an example of the blank canvas being too daunting it's in a bit going right you need to have a shop assistant suggest random things that aren't helpful and i went oh fuck uh i was like all the things in the world done think of a thing and nearly text laura went think of a thing i was like can i put this on facebook i'm trying to think of things that you could possibly get in a shot and you know the first thing that came to me was women's flip-flops i was like yeah

that's going in fucking that's good women's flip-flops is absolute gold so it's the the process is always nervy with new material isn't it but it was just heightened by the fact that i just wasn't match fit. That's how it felt. Within a few minutes of that first gig, I was having such a good time. And a shout out, we did it on the Patreon episode on Wednesday, like Bex and Katie Brown and all of the people that we see on Twitter

at Have A Word Pod, just interacting all the time and like indie clone, like loads of people who I've seen the avatars of i've seen their like profile pictures that aren't their faces and then all of a sudden you're like oh my god they were like tweeting and everything and it i was a bit rusty and still had fun but their energy just made up for it and then by tuesday i was like oh that was sharper like i'd sharpened it up a bit i wonder if in a few months we'll start getting like really nasty heckles and we'll be like oh my god you're the guy with the

great British flag and a bulldog are you the uh lgbtq plus flag with the Anfield the Liverpool FC emblem on it like so it's so random um yeah I just uh it was so weird like i got most of the new bits out and then i there's one bit that i just bottled but i i tell you what i did do and and this is a classic sign that i've not got my foot in i purposely put in a bit of interaction in the new material which when you're up and running you i don't think i'd do i think i'd be like this is my bit and i need to bloody do it but it actually makes it more playful that stuff about people being cunty and and writing one-star reviews just asking who's written a one-star review i was basically just trying to fluff it

up a little bit and it ended up being two of the most fun bits of the set on tuesday and wednesday um oh it's just yeah i'm literally buzzing off the fact that I've just got to fuck around and do the interaction that was fun wasn't it just the messing about again the crowd work was I enjoyed that even more

than I ever remember sort of enjoying it because I don't normally like comparing and I know it's not proper comparing when it's your show but yeah

I enjoyed that quite a bit I remember a while back I said to you I need a story I need a story on stage well I've got the first half of one because I enjoyed that quite a bit I remember a while back I said to you I need a story I need a story Yeah On stage Well I've got the first

Alpha one Because You know me and Sam Went glamping last weekend Yeah To a tent with no electricity Well I told the story of that And it's gonna be really good

But at the minute It really stops in the middle That's yeah Like I told the story And I was like And yeah We'll have an ending for that in a few weeks

yeah that's absolutely valid everyone was warned if they bought tickets for those first few shows that it would be a little bit rough and things wouldn't be finished

I'm doing this all week I'm gonna be doing like the same sort of thing on Saturday night yeah but it's amazing because I was

rusty on Monday last night I did that set I was like that was so much more like me. Like took two gigs and on the third one, and I've been a bit tired this week. It's been a little bit full on, but it's been absolutely worth it.

And then by the third, I mean, you're like already six, seven, eight gigs in, aren't you? No, you're six gigs in. By the time you hit Friday. You know, so I do show me the sample. If you've not had a watch of show me the sample, at show me the sample on Twitter and on socials. It's me and my DJ mate and it's over Zoom

and he basically plays tunes and he's been doing DJing as long as I've done comedy and he breaks everything down. He's also a fan of the podcast and he's been really interested in like me going back to work and because it's been happening at the same time as him going back to work and because it's been happening at the same time as him going back to work and he was like how was it and i was like yeah i felt a bit rusty and there's a couple of points when i just couldn't remember what i was trying to do i

was trying to do a lot with the new material but i was like the bits with the crowd and the interacting with the crowd i was sharp like lightning sharp and he went course you fucking were and he said it a few weeks ago he was like you've just spent a year and a half with one of the best

comics in the country and Carl and Fit and everyone just waiting to react and do and that part of my skill set

is sharp maybe that's why I enjoyed the crowd work more yeah you've been practising having conversations for a year. I'm gutted as well. I spoke to Binti because I asked, could both nights be recorded so I could get the crowd work out?

And he didn't record the first part of yesterday's show where there was a guy on the front row who told me he had a black dad and he looked whiter than you. Did you see that, Dan? Had you gone by then? No, I'd gone. I wasn't, yeah, I'd missed it. He's been lied to him.

Yeah. He was the most Caucasian man. He was just a scouse lad. He looked like me and him. Yeah. And I was like, have you ever asked? Have you ever asked your mum and your dad? And he's like, yeah, I've asked them both.

And, you know, they just palm me off. They go, yeah, I'm your dad. Eat your fucking frosties, kid. Yeah. You're a mixed race. No one thinks I am. But you know when, like like it's a weird age for comedy

because like 10 years ago if you were comparing at a comedy club like I was there like I can go to you oh this happened last night and it's great and now

when that while it was happening and especially when I did a call back to it in the second half when there was a guy who was like I'm a musician

and I was like what do you play he said I play the recorder and I said you're as much of a musician as his dad is black and massive laugh in my head who was like, I'm a musician. And I was like, what do you play? He said, I play the recorder. And I said, you're as much of a musician as his dad is black. And massive laugh. In my head,

I was like, that's a clip. I've not burned any material. That's going to be a really good viral clip. We'll do a million views of that. It'll sell some tour tickets.

And I was thinking it on stage as it was happening. And then Binti went, by the way, yesterday, the first section, cameras weren't on. But we got the rest of it.

And I was like, I'll see you. Where is your OCD show manager when you need him? Come on, Vince. It was a new show manager. It was his first night. Oh, I thought Binti ran it, really. Oh, Binti does run the cameras.

But yeah, there was a problem, apparently. But so annoying in this day and age when you do a fire bit of crowd work and then you're like, oh, yeah, we didn't get that bit. But we got all the other stuff that wasn't as good if you want that that's the thing with all the people that came on Monday it's the first time

I've been in Liverpool got asked for like photos outside someone just recognised me round the corner and you're like oh yeah comedy

circuit comedy is different for me because I've got a tour coming up at the end of next year that hopefully we're going to announce soon everything's going to that

and I want people that listen to this to not have seen all of that when they come and see the tour show whereas before i was just doing comedy to be good maybe getting ready for an edinburgh but i just wanted to be a good comic now i'm like i i said to binti last night none of this is going on on hot water is it and he was like oh yeah no no no i can't have hot water stick clips of my material up no they won't because it's gonna burn it's gonna burn the stuff yeah i sometimes think about beat

the frog the best i've ever been as a compare is that beat the frog when it was cooking one of the reasons i don't really want to do beat the frog as much anymore and i think it's coming to the end it's not because i can't do it compared to other comics i can't do it as well as i used to do it and it's that makes me sad that the 29 year old me was better at beat the frog than the 40 year old me but you're still like the leonel messi of beat the frog you're still the best you're just not as good as leonel messi was for that but it's weird because everything looks the same but you can pick them at your own ghost yeah like on super mario kart but if i think and laugh by your own ghost on mario kart oh brute i used to love playing the ghost um how the fuck did i do that you did it about 40 minutes ago i i wish

it had all been recorded because there were some moments where if the frog had been the one that worked out the cameras ten years ago which would have been way ahead of the game and now we've said this before a lot of comedy clubs are like we could stick on some bloody social media clips and hope they go viral

you know we get the industry that's a little viral joke alright thanks social media clips and hope they go viral. You know? We get the industry. That's a little viral joke. All right, thanks. Turns out... Viral. Turns out... Because it's pronounced viral.

Yeah, and so they don't understand that. Like, if you weren't, like, totally accustomed with the English language, you could see that written down and you could go, is that viral? But if you knew the industry and you knew social media clips,

you know it's viral and that's the joke I was making. Okay, so... Watch out, Boris Johnson. Because they don't. They don't don't know the industry they don't know a lot of them don't yeah which is why they don't i haven't had cameras yet i know a lot of people yeah you get it yeah yeah sorry you're just gonna keep up with you got it you gotta keep up with me sometimes i'm pretty good a lot of people say you shouldn't need to explain jokes, but I think sometimes you should, you know,

to make sure everyone gets it. And just on another thing, you just reminded me of something. At the minute... I don't got bored of that. No, but we've been going out to a few bars after the shows, right? Meeting some bloody guys. Even at the clubs where the music's on, you've got to stay at your table, right?

You can't get up and dance. So, turns the hand after all the adam row dance we were doing it today this is the only covered safe dance in the game maybe i'll be moving the hot water around the bath adam you should start a seated dance class yes Yes. Yes. Ready? So we've got this one. That's the clap and move, isn't it? Yeah. The clap and move. You're good at this.

This would be really good if you're in a wheelchair or something. It would be. Yeah. They are welcome. Yeah. All are welcome. Nice.

Lovely. The Draymond. I love it. The Draymond, yeah. Beautiful. The Ja welcome. Nice. Lovely. The Draymond. I love it. The Draymond, yeah. Beautiful. The Ja Rule. Sorry. No, that's the Kobe.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you're out. So not a long class. No, you've got the arm waves. Oh, you've got, yeah.

Yeah. Karl, are you teaching the class or is Adam? I'm his co Presenter Co-host Co-presenter Okay Yeah Got the John

Yeah the John When John walks in Got the John Got the YMCA is easy Yeah the YMCA is still easy On point Yeah

You got the Dab it The dab Yeah The dab Yeah The dab can be dangerous Ow Yeah Or if you go with one arm

Yeah Right You've got the Hang on Is dab left or right? Finn you're young Is it left or right? You've got to pretend to wank

While sat down You go left No No under the table It's going to be under the table No That's not part of the dance class is it Why have you done that for longer than

I don't know what I'm doing here You've got the nipple rub Right Is this towards the end when you turn yourself on The spaff in your face. The Spider-Man. The pervy Spider-Man. Get on that.

Lots of moves for everyone to enjoy. But yeah, all are welcome. Yeah, it's just because Carl did this before, so I was like, oh, I thought, you know, because I got a lot of shit off you two a couple of weeks ago, and it turns out, after all, that i'm the only dancer in the country who can currently comply with their social distancing guidelines uh dj felix leiter says that uh the the the pubs are like no i don't worry about it as long as you're not like doing a conga they're like yeah whereas before I don't worry about it. As long as you're not like doing a conga. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lost the bones.

Whereas before Christmas, bouncers, because there is a change in the atmosphere now, and that's great, where I hope, like the more, I'm sure there are people who are like, I'm still vulnerable, I'm shielded. That's fine. But I don't get that sense of Twitter. Like last year, it was very like, I'm shielded.

Why are you going out? You can kill me and my nana and your nana. now that's gone a bit hasn't it the vaccinations and also I think people are just fucked off with it he said before Christmas when you were he walked off on a DJ set because the bouncer came over went if I have to tell you one more time keep the volume down please literally the third time he got told and he had had the volume, he said, like, halfway. It was everyone could chat, but they were so touchy about, like, the COVID compliance officers coming in and shutting them down, and the bouncers just had no one to fight because everyone was sat down, and there's no kickoff if everyone's sat down.

So they were just being, like, fucking primary school teachers, like, fingers on lips! Sit down! Where are you going? What the fuck, does volume spread the cold the virus because it makes people talk louder and they were getting really touchy about it though it should be so many decibels over more because if i go to you hey carl john i'm happy if i go hey carl like that means if you spit them he's done spit so he got paid a hunt he was getting paid 150 quid to do a sit down nonsense the bounce came over for the third time and he went right if I have to tell you again

and he was like what what he was like you just need to keep the volume down he was like why don't I just

fucking go home then he went what and he just went actually bang got his bag and did a little walk off

and he said he said that everyone's been a bit more chilled out this time and I think it's because everyone's like we're nearly there. Yeah.

Are we? 99% of the vulnerable people are now vaccinated, as in the categories. Yeah. Yeah. So. And if you're out, you're not arsed. Like, if you are out,

you can't come to a comedy club or a bar and be like, right, I'm making sure everyone is following every rule. Guys, sit down. I'm vulnerable. You're like, fuck off. Yeah. Go and sit outside on your own.

Yeah. So it's not, I feel like, you know, the sit down dancing phenomenon, I don't think you've got long to make it work because hopefully we're going to be stood up dancing soon. You know, like how there's some stuff with COVID that might stick around, like QR codes on tables for table service and stuff. Okay. I think like my dancers could be what's service and stuff okay I think like my dancers could be what's they

right I think like stand-up dancer might be done I reckon next year's strictly might just be a lot of people sat down

so many jokes yeah I've got a joke for that yes I think that could be good I honestly can't wait to see Gatecrasher

next I think Gatecrasher big nightclub Ministry of Sound just go in there yeah yeah yeah and midnight

just yeah everyone's on the floor rock the boat well I'd like to know you got the note that would be unbelievable is everyone doing the row row row your bow

Adam row started this it's called row that's why he did it fucking like to know man oh you lost a bit of authority by knocking your headphones off there didn't you

I was really enjoying myself then really really fun You pointed your eye as well To indicate who Adam I don't know if you noticed that What? You went Yeah

He made it No I didn't You did I Well I I didn't do it on purpose No you didn't I didn't do it on purpose

I don't do the eye I don't do the eye bands Yeah Because And it means it's subconscious You've got a subconscious bias Which is like We're all thinking it

I just don't say it it's like institutional racism essentially yeah yeah you accidentally having a go at my eye is exactly the same

as the prejudices built into British society against black and ethnic minorities it is exactly the same the same

go and have a march about it yeah just have a sit down though. Yeah, we do. Just have a sit down though. What's that scouts lad doing sat down in front of parliament? He's protesting institutionalised racism towards his eye. Like to know where you got the notion.

Rock the vote. Who's that with him? Dan Nye? What's he doing? He's lost authority. Proper lost authority. He hasn't even got headphones on, that prick. Yeah.

Very, very, very good to be back in the game. Very good. Why are you laughing at me now? Is she trying to do a segway? Is she just going, it's just like Black Lives Matter. And we'd be in Parliament, and you were like,

anyway, very good to be back in the game. It's so often me that's like, anyway, we've got some questions. I was like, yeah, all banter aside, it was excellent to be doing what I love. Do you think QR codes will stick around? What? Do you think QR codes for servers?

Yeah, because it's an improvement, isn't it? No, it's not, though, is it? Not socially. It's awful. We work in bars to interact with people and stuff. Yeah, no, I don't think that's the only way you can order, but I think you'll always be able to order. Oh, right.

Yeah, okay. As long as you don't take away, because people want to talk. I'm going to put QR codes on my tour posters. I think that's a yeah a great shout innit it is to give people a scan

yeah in times of need the technology isn't half kick into gear does it but I still think you've got so many people that are just going to walk into a place

and be like can I order this this and this it's just fucking easy innit yeah what do you reckon is definitely going to stay around

and what do you reckon is going to go? I think masks will stay around. In some capacity, I do. I think there'll be some people who are nervous who just wear them now, especially in flu season. A hundred percent. It used to be the occasional Chinese student.

Yeah. And you'd be like, fucking hell, we're not in like... You didn't know they were Chinese, did you? You'd just seen an Asian person and you were like... Because it's... Japanese people do that as well, don't they? Just saying you might be getting your Asians mixed up.

Yeah, there's every chance. I'm not an expert. I don't know. I wasn't even trying to be a dick. I'm just playing the numbers. There are more. There are more. I've got an idea for a really good game.

Oh my God. I was in Shiraz. Sorry, we'll come back to... It's an ultimate fireball. No, I was going Shiraz sorry we'll come back it's an ultimate fireball no I was gonna just pick up I was gonna get images of different Asian people on my phone

and see if Dan could guess what country they're actually from well now we have to play it yeah I was in Shiraz I'll do it on screen okay yeah

you're gonna have to hide what your google search was okay I was in Shiraz which is next to hot water, getting a fire chicken kebab. Fuck me, I wish there was a Shiraz in Chester. And do you remember what we said about Freddie doing, like,

a Mandarin podcast or something random? We give Freddie so much shit. I can't remember what's one of his batshit ideas or one of the things that we've made up taking the mickey out of him wasn't he gonna do like a chinese comedy night or did we tell him we say he was gonna do a chinese i remember vaguely and and and it and you said there was there's loads of chinese people on hardman street and adam was like one in five i found myself counting counting the asian people on hardman street it was like i was going did your phone just go off then it's my alarm stupidly i thought you were pulling up a tally

charge genuinely i didn't as well it's actually one in seven actually one in seven guys but i'm not wrong though it's a very dense Asian population at the time yeah

I'll say this if you ever need proof that the UK is more multicultural than it used to be

that stretch of Harman Street if you're sat there having a chicken kebab was basically

people I could tell who was coming to see us and everyone else going the other way was either

oh it sounds like I'm being a dickhead but there was it was very international yeah yeah very international that's where all the international and you know

and you know who the homegrown were homegrowns were fucking scaggots yeah there are there's not many scouts it's quite

yeah a lot of wolves and a lot of Wolves and a lot of Asians this dangerous game we're about to play is you know I've spoken about this

with someone before because there's no racial intensivities of it it's not that all Asian people look the same

it's that you can't you can if you live there you can so I could show you a picture no but I mean more so than you, only because I've literally got experience of...

I'm going to nail this. Don't worry about it. Smack it up. Smack it up. We've got four different Asian people. Okay. Ready? You're going to slide these into the episode as well?

Yes. I'm ready. I'm going to do this. Not as fun for the audio listeners, but it will be when we get it wrong. Is this on? Oh, yeah, I know. I've got this one.

Okay, where is this gentleman from? Fuck a dog So it's Asian countries Like Do we have to pick different ones? No no if you both agree on the same one I think he's Japanese I think he's Japanese

He's Japanese Yeah So obvious It's the hair as well so that was a Japanese person everyone listening on audio please stay with us what about this gentleman

Chinese yeah I think he's Chinese Finn he's Chinese no see it's not hard what about this gentleman

is this a different Is this another nationality Korean No Vietnamese He's Vietnamese Oh Rowing bags

Yeah Koreans have got quite round faces He knows that from his first wife What about this gentleman I would say That he looks like, I don't know, Malay. I think he looks like he might be Malaysian, but he spent time in Chicago and London as well. Yeah.

Oh God, that's quite specific. I'm not sure if his Twitter's working, but yeah. You're going to give him an old English man's name. No, I think like a lot of people would look at that and say, maybe he's a Nigel, but judging by the colour of his T-shirts, I think he might be called Roger. And I think he's older than you think he is. It's Nigel Ong, everyone.

It's Nigel Ong. That was the bit. That was the bit. So what we were doing there, it was pretending we didn't know, but we did all along. We knew it was Nigel Unger. I smashed that, mate. You've just proved yourself wrong, though, haven't you?

Yeah, I have, yeah. Sometimes I'm wrong, Cal. But you were right at the same time. Yeah. Because Dan got it wrong. Well, I'd like to know if you got the notion. I said Dan wouldn't be able to tell him a pass. I can tell anyone a pass.

You can get a picture of any person, and I'll tell you what country. The whole thing was, I was meant to be guessing but i was like no yeah oh yes okay for the audio listeners i'm searching for yeah when's your next set oh that's not for another week is it not uh i've just not put loads in i've not put loads in i don't need sympathy but it's like i could not be doing the schedule that you're doing yeah because you've got uh children it's bad it's just a babber man it's full on but it's gonna yeah it's nice a nice schedule where's this gentleman from then he's European he is

not hard I would say Bulgarian Slovakia no Hungarian that's what I meant did you

yeah should have got that as well by his neckline this is a silly silly game should have got that as well by his neckline. This is a silly, silly game. Should have got that by his neckline. You know, you've got sartorial clues towards... Yeah, I was too distracted by the goatee.

I didn't look at his neck. That's so clearly a Hungarian neck. Yeah, because it's thin. I know what I mean. That was such a shit joke. Thin necks. Yeah. Because they're hungry.

Sorry, guys. Sorry. Fuck you. Oh! Just having a moment of silence. For what? That joke. Coming to do it.

Doesn't even deserve a jar reel. At least I'm in a good mood though isn't it grumpy little tired man on patreon how's your gigs been going we had a pretty good

one and the dumb baby got a podcast and a outro if you're not a patreon I don't know what you're waiting for but on Monday

on the Tuesdays record this week which announced on Wednesday we had Alfie Brown sitting as a special guest because he was here. And, yeah, Dan was all tired and grumpy.

I really wasn't pissed off with anyone. No, you weren't. There was one point when you thought I'd said something quite incendiary, and I was like, what are we even doing? I wouldn't say that. And then it got, like, borderline eggy, but it wasn't genuine egg like it wasn't you know i was listening to a podcast on the way uh one of my favorite american podcasts and they were really in an arsey mood with each other and i was like oh this doesn't work and i know some people like the

chip they like it like oh yeah they go back and forth and they argue a point just for the sake of it i find that to be tiresome sometimes i'm like i don't not need to listen to people who don't like each other and it made me go i feel really bad about tuesday so i've come in like like no if you got the nose it was just like because this podcast as our regular listeners and viewers now it's just me coming up with constant bullshit and you taking the piss out of me for it and vice versa and so when one of us is tired we just really take it

seriously so I was like I'll ring Laura and tell her you're coming on the night out with us because I'll say to her what if we find a briefcase

with six million pounds in and then Dan misses out on a cut and you were like yeah but statistically quite unlikely that's going to happen isn't it

so whoa way to run with the bet on Dan don't worry guys I've got the banter here that's's going to happen, isn't it? Way to run with the baton, Dan. Don't worry, guys. I've got the banter here. That's not going to happen, is it? End of pod. We were saying it.

We were laughing about it last night. It is when people ask for advice. Sometimes it's very tempting to get to it and go, yeah, he's a cunt. Fuck him off. Next question, like, not really what we're trying to do. Ooh, this is going to be a fun one today. Should we have a little break? Yeah, let's

do that. Okay. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train yet? Whether you are or you aren't, you should head to supremecbd.uk, one of the official sponsors of the Have A Word podcast

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is Jeff Norcott. And I posted on Patreon before and asked for some questions for Jeff. And there's one that one of our OGs, Sharni, has sent in. I love Sharni. That I just think might be a bit better if we just do it without the guest

so Dan if you were on Naked Attraction right so let's say Laura's gone right gone gone away

she's just broke up with you and moved a bit down the road because it's easier for childcare because she doesn't want to be too far away because you know

she knows you love the kids so she's staying close so that you can mind the kids sometimes she can mind the kids sometimes it's just easier for everyone you've had a breakup but she's not gone too far is it easier so how far it's not me on the same road no there's a divorce couple on our road and they live across the way from each other and it obviously it's easier for their kid but you're like oh oh, could you imagine someone over last night? Like, oh,

because you're fucking seen from your bedroom window. No, you've got to be at least two postcode numbers away. If you're in like L12, like we are, you've got to be in L14 or L10.

Right. Wrap an L12. L14, what? Pick it up. So if you were on Naked Attraction, first of all, would you ever go on that show? What, if Laura's gone? Laura's gone. Do you ever go on that show? What if Laura's gone?

Do you know, on Monday When you said Laura's gone, it got such a big laugh At the Comedy Club It freaked me out 98% have a word, listeners And then I went on And just told them it was mental That just saying Laura's gone

And they were like, hey! And I told Laura and she found it really funny the reason Laura and I will stay married is because she finds the idea of a load of strangers thinking it's funny that she divorces me and fucks off hilarious um and then Paul Smith went I got a weird phone call from my ex she rang up and went is everything all right with Dan and Laura Apparently they sleep separately Bit worried about them One, I thought we dealt with the whole We sleep separately, it's fine

But I love that Paul Smith's ex is like Yeah, I know we've had a tricky few years Paul, but I really need to know What Dan and Laura are doing in terms of Sleeping together, I told Laura she was like That's so weird No, I would not go on Naked Attraction

because if we, if Laura is ever gone, she's gone, Laura's gone. Yeah. I want to keep Laura. In Blaycon? Yeah.

Oh, that breaks the rules. Still CH1. She's going to have to go back to Huntington. Where's that? CH3. Yeah.

There you go. She, I want to keep her sweet and I think me getting my dick out on ITV or whatever it is, is not going to keep her that sweet. Shout you go. She, I want to keep her sweet and I think me getting my dick out on ITV or whatever it is, is not going to keep her that sweet. Shout out for. Oh, God.

You've never watched it, me. Lost authority there, didn't I? Right. It's quite addictive. I know the premise, but I've never, I've never. So they start with your feet and that

and then they. Is anybody ever out after that point? Is it like a. Yeah, you get voted off at each stage. Oh, right. Okay. So there's like four stages. There's five people.

So it's like feet, dick, chest, head. And then they talk. You might get voted out of feet because you've got those little like... The question that Sharni's asked is, if you were on Naked Attraction, would you rather be kicked out for the dick and ball round

or for your face? That's quite obvious. I think it would hurt getting knocked out for your feet, wouldn't it? Because he's got little troll things, cross-dressing troll things. Like, this troll's been on a date with high heels. You're all a bit smudged in, aren't you?

And I didn't ingrow a toenail out. That's what my feet are like. They just go off at an angle. No, I're all a bit smudged in, aren't you? And I didn't grow a toenail out. That's all my feet like. They just go off at an angle. No, I've seen your feet. You got them out. They all look smushed in. Like, you've been wearing high heels.

No, the feet do that, but they're also smushed in. No, they're not. They're just like, woo. No, as in the foot. Woo! No, they're like this. Woo!

Woo! Like that. You didn't like it? Of all the things? I'll get them out again no no no please i don't want to see if he's taking a show we've already just had like people from around asia for the audio listeners like what are these guys doing trying to lose us uh dick or face i cannot imagine getting my dick out on national television. So hang on, if you get knocked out for the dick,

no one ever sees your face? No, if you get knocked out for your dick, so there's five booths, and all you can see is five dicks, right? And then she goes, right, well, we'll get rid of number three because his dick looks shit. And then they reveal all of you and you come over, have the world's most awkward hug while you're naked and she's not, and then you walk off.

Do you hug naked, yeah? Yeah. That's not COVID safe or sexually safe. That gave me a little cringe sort of anxiety like, ah. I think my dick's better than me face. But I would be like, having like half a wank behind the thing waiting for it to come up. Oh yeah.

A fluff. Half a wank is not the word. Yeah, a self fluff. A fluff, yeah. Oh yeah. When you need to get competitive in the changing room. I'd be like tickling me gooch. A little helicopter.

Just so I'm like half turned on. Oh, no, that can go wrong, that, can't it? Why? I usually just do the sort of like... Yeah, a little bit of a vigorous dry with a towel. I've never stimulated my anus. No, I'd just be having a laugh. I'd be fingering his ass.

As the thing opens. They pull the whole finger but I'd just be there going oh mate I'm gone there with an erection and a smelly finger

she's like honestly his feet don't seem too bad now oh my days I think I could pass the dick round just about

I could pass the dick round I think losing it for your face is possible oh puff game motherfucker what no dick's attractive

is it like if you lose it for your face then it's like you ugly I could be a penis model I think some dicks are attractive

what would you model what do you mean what are you modelling like hats for dicks ball jewellery ball jewellery she's cock rings

here's Adam now on QVC we've got a lovely range of cock rings absolutely lovely here she is Adam if you could just do a spin

if you could just do a helicopter for us if you phone in now you can get 10% off the Adam Rowe dick ring it's absolutely massive. It can be used as a hula hoop for your children.

Colossal. It's for the big lady and the big boy. The Adam Rowe dick ring. Used as a frisbee for a large dog. Yeah, but what I'm saying is my dick looks quite good, apart from the scar. Oh, God almighty.

I have got a scar on my dick. Where is it? On the bottom? No, it's right up the shaft. Right on the shaft? Right up the shaft, yeah. On the top or the bottom? Oh, underneath.

Yeah, right. Like the bit that touches your balls. What? Under his dick. Have you had open dick surgery? I had a penis reduction. How would it be up the shaft because they cut it all up i don't know do they not just like roll it out chop it in the middle and then put it back together i was asleep thank god for the surgery that's not a local anesthetic is it you never want to be awake and just see your dick on the fucking side waiting for it to be attached back on.

Or do you take it off like in a garage? Yeah, you never do. That's a fact. I didn't know they removed it to do surgery. What? Like in a garage. Where are we putting this? On the shelf.

Where's the dick? If I'm going to buy a box of dicks and leave them behind that phone, no one moves moves dicks. Did your mum come over and do the cut, like the umbilical cord? I don't think they let... Mrs. Rowe? I don't think they let alcoholic women join in a major surgery. I don't think that's like a policy in the NHS.

All right, love. You had a few beffies, have you? Come here. He's my baby. He's my baby. I'll cut it. Oh, and now he's my daughter Okay now

I If I have to get my dick out I really don't want to get my dick out on TV But I suppose Once it's out I'd rather have someone go, ah, yeah, I'm not into that dick, because then I don't have to take the judgment of the face.

Oh, do you not see the person? No. You do? No, but you're out on the dick, so she doesn't have to pass judgment on the, you know what I mean? Right. I wouldn't go on the program,

because I think I've got a nice dick, but I'd have to have a massive one to go on it. Has anyone got a pipe on it? Yeah. Some people have absolute swords. Do they win? Yeah. Not always.

Mate, if I had a sword, I'd be knocking down the doors of Channel 4 with my dick to get on. Of course you get your dick out all the time. I'd be whipping it out. Have you heard the rumours that John Barrowman used to helicopter

his dick on Doctor Who yeah yeah yeah when they were filming yeah yeah yeah it's on NFL.com it's what I follow

they've really been covering it a lot yeah so no you know when Noel whatever is it Noel Clarke he got me too a couple of weeks ago didn't he he's been out so there's Clarke Noel Clarke yeah He got me too

A couple of weeks ago didn't he He's been out So there's a bit of a pest But he also me too John Barrowman didn't he Yeah So he like What

He did what He me too John Barrowman Yeah he was like If I'm going down I'm taking Barrowman with me There's an old clip Have you seen the old clip Yeah

Yeah Where he's like Like Gandalf when he's falling And all of a sudden You're coming as well Here I come But they're all laughing He's on like this Like Radioalf when he's falling and all of a sudden, you're coming as well. You're a cunt. But they're all laughing. He's on this Radio 4 panel talking about his time on Doctor Who.

And he's like, yeah, and Bannerman's there with his dick out, helicoptering it round. And everyone's laughing like, oh, fucking John. Yeah, he loves getting his dick out. The makeup artist is saying, yeah, he just put it on my shoulder. And then Noel Clarke says it's fine because he's gay. And everyone's like, what? Yeah.

And it's not fine because he's gay, everyone's like what yeah and it's not fine because he's gay but there has been a time where that has been the attitude yeah that's threatening towards women

because it's not threatening towards women because that dick doesn't want to be in you that's what like he's talking about I don't agree with it but that's what

yeah things have changed now there's a no dicks policy in most workplaces yeah you've got to ask there is a different set of rules for can I put my dick on your shoulder

I don't want to fuck you don't worry don't panic I just want to humorously pop your Tupperware to the side have you finished your pasta he must have a pipe then mustn't he to get it on his shoulder

because I'm 5 foot 8 and I've got a small dick and. He must have a pipe there, mustn't he? Yeah. To get it on her shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm 5'8 and I've got a small dick and I might not be able to reach her shoulder. I know they're sat down, but still to lay. Yeah. You know what I mean? Unfurl. Is that an office chair?

Can I just press that? There you go. Bit of banter. What's this? Hey! Go ahead, John. Help yourself. To my shoulder.

Imagine how fucking annoying that... Like, for me, for me, right, the first three times that I entered my dressing room and John Bannerman was naming his dick out would be hilarious. I'd be like, fucking hell, John. Four, five, six, you'd be like, hell John four five six you'd be like John

put your dick away the tenth time he's got his dick out while you're trying to read your lines for Doctor Who yeah you'd just be like

John mate come on yeah it's quite in the he's not a newbie or anything he's been there

for the like he's a big deal isn't he so everyone's like oh he's got to put up with his dick because he's like he's been there for the like he's a big deal isn't he so everyone's like oh he's got to put up with his dick because he's like he's well in with the director and the that's horrible what is the deal with like gay guys getting away with fucking murder it's like the same with stand-up in it like i will fuck the shit out of you and the first comedian like if you ever dared as a this isn't like just like post me too this is forever ever like like as a straight guy you could never go to a young girl in the audience i find it really

creepy when older comics are like oh yeah fucking yeah fit like horrible but if you're gay it's like a young boy i can threaten sexual misconduct. And that's banter. It's a weird little wrinkle in stand-up, isn't it? That it's, that's fine because it's gay banter. Yeah. Yeah. When no one joins in after you've made a point like that, it just looks like you've got a problem with the gays.

As soon as I finished saying it, I was like, yeah, I can see why Adam's not running with that one that's fair enough it'll catch you it's gay hack yeah it's gay hack

yeah to be like ooh things I do to you I would rather be kicked out for me dick because I think

the face is an insult yeah and me dick I'd be like do you know what it's a dead good dick if anything you're missing out. Do you know what I mean?

I know it's a good dick, so you're fucked. Do you get to have a say when you get kicked out? They'll go like, this is Lucy. How do you feel about getting kicked out? Like, yeah, obviously disappointed, but you know. But I have got a massive biff, so it's understandable. I fill most of the box with my biff. My mum said i should have

shaved it is the girl's fanny boobs face feet they get more sections so if when when there's assuming the people on the show are straight the the person on the show is fully clothed while everyone else is revealed and then right at the end they just go and come back out completely naked so let's say you were on it and there's six women yeah you reveal all the way up to the the two women you want yeah left and you've you've heard them talking everything and then you go to the changing room and come out completely naked and then you go hey that one and you go on a date so everyone's just bollock off yeah and there's been a lot of marriages from it hasn't it

because it's a really solid way of starting relationships that's a fact because I'm a boob man me so yeah

more than a bum man okay bum man me yeah not asked about your biff or your tit biff or your that I'd love it

you're a boob man I'm a boob man I know that alright fair enough yeah boobies so there's myob man I know that alright fair enough yeah boobies so there's my answer what if a girl

saw your dick and was like oh god oh I'm only one woman she got intimidated by it what if you got voted off it looks phenomenal

I'd be like listen love people have been scared before but trust me you'll stretch if you're funny can't take it oh god oh god

I wish I'd started talking now if your fanny can't take it your bumhole will there you go there you go do you know what you mean yeah no subtlety there lad do you know what I mean

old Jimmy innuendo here what does he mean I will fuck you in the. Do you know what I mean? Old Jimmy innuendo here. What does he mean? I will fuck you in the bottom. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, Adam, I've got a clue. I have got a clue. I've got an inkling. I will penetrate your arsehole with my erect penis.

Do you know what I mean? Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Following on the TV thing,

Matt Landry. Matt Landry! Matt Landry! Matt Landry! That's two in a week for Matt. Matt fucking Landry. One of the best quarterback playing in the NCAA. Big Brother. he says,

who do you think would win Big Brother out of you and the other comics that have been on the couch? If we all did a Big Brother together, the have a word, Big Bro, who do you think? So is it just us four in it? Or is it us four in a house of 12, like the traditional show? Okay, so there's 12, but we're using other guests from the the so i think in that situation i think out of us i'd get the furthest adam adam i've disagreed with you in many different ways on this show since its start and i am telling you right now i'm going to disagree with you more on that than anything you've ever said

you would be one of the first people voted out no it wouldn't be for that reason because you want knobheads to shake it up big brother living together living around people

I'm great to live with that's the thing it's the public vote at the end of the day if the public want to gobshite in to mess about yeah well first of all that's true I thought the other

housemates no the other housemates nominate you but that's what I'm saying you'd all be nominated before I would the public wouldn't like me so I wouldn't win

but I'd get to the final because the housemates would want me in you are a messy lazy bastard but you are the worst person

I could imagine to have big brother I have tidied around you in this studio with you going two seconds two seconds two seconds

and you are not arsed you're like yeah don't worry about it fuck it up fuck it up I'm Jimmy Nguyen though I'll stick my dick

in your ass you know what I mean I will murder you with your own dirty plates and then nominate you me in the window. I'll stick my dick in your ass. You know what I mean? I will murder you with your own dirty plates and then nominate you. Look, Adam's like, no, everyone would love me. I am great. I am the best. I am the best. Everybody loves me. No, you're a grubby

fucker. God bless you. I love you. Just look at the shit. In fact, no, there's no shit around you because I tidied it up. So I don't know. I don't know if Adam do that well. I let you tidy up because I know you. Just look at the shit. In fact, no, there's no shit around you because I tidied it up. So I don't know. I don't know if I'd have done that well. I let you tidy up because I know you like feeling like you've got something done.

That is the arsehole thing to say, isn't it? I give that to you. I want to tidy up as well, but I know you get a lot from it for being the cleaning lady of this podcast. In my head, he's going, I'll leave it there because I'm giving a cleaner a job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just throw in things. No, because we're in the city centre. That's going I'll leave it there because I'm giving a cleaner a job aren't I yeah yeah yeah just throw in things

no because we're in the city centre that's why I'm littering I'm keeping people in work that's why I don't take my trolley back I just push it into a parking bay

just let it roll like Bill Burr yeah who do you think guest wise would be the best like who do you think is the most popular

who do you think would win erm I think the public are quite my initial response was about to be lauren but lauren can be quite emotional i think the public can be quite harsh with that so i think she might um i think steven would do well who steven tries steven tries maybe yeah do you know i regret saying that i'd fight Stephen Tries because I saw him stand up. And Stephen Tries is sneaky fucking tall

and has been working out. I think Stephen would be, yeah, quite good. Steph. Steph Johnson. I think she's quite... I don't think she'd fuck about Steph. I think she'd call it as she saw it and then... I think she'd end up...

The inner Scouse woman would come out at some point and it would cause murder. Yeah. Ishan? Ishan, yeah. Ishan would have a really good chance. Who's the most likeable guest we've ever had? Josh.

Josh Jones? Yeah. And he's gay, so he'd get away with fucking murder. Yeah. Josh would win Probably That was it He didn't get away with murder He got away with

Bumming kids though Do you know what I mean? Do you get what I'm saying? It's a fart. Oh, God. I'm nominating him. I'm nominating him right now. Upset me nasty bitch. Why are we still laughing? It wasn't even... Oh, God. He's gone.

He's gone. Adam's gone. He's about two postcodes over. He can't even breathe. He's gone purple. Just for the audio. Adam went, Oh, pucey puce.

You all right, kid? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh. Oh, my God. That was so funny. Can we go and get some lunch? Yeah, let's go and get some food. Jeff Norton today, he's a fucking Tory. But he's a fucking Tory and

but he's like the soundest one he's well he's getting interrogated okay yeah he's very

likeable a lot of Tory bashing so we thought you know what get him on he's a good comer

I get on quite well with him he's a great guy and be quite interesting

we've got some questions in from the Patreons forum I've got some fucking questions You know Yeah

Yeah Some fucking questions for them Why are you starving children? Why are you personally doing that? Is he a Tory minister now? He's been elected Alright see you in a bit lads Hey Listen to this This podcast He's been elected. All right, see you in a bit, lads.

Hey, listen to this. This podcast, I've aware of you, is sponsored by beer52.com. And we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor. And I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK.

What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers that you've never heard of. And here's the best thing, because you're a listener to this podcast, not only do you get a free case of eight beers and an award-winning beer magazine for free just by going to beer52.com slash weird.

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So go to beer52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some berries for nothing. Welcome back to part two of this week's

Have A Weird Podcast. I don't know why I do that sometimes. I just start with a weird voice. I've been making a living off that for fucking years. Decades.

Get it? Geoff Norcottson! Geoff Norcotts is here. Fucking. Thanks for coming in. I'm in Runcorn, mate. You are in Runcorn. I'm fucking in.

It's as beautiful as everyone said. It really was. I got off, I saw that green bridge, and I thought, I bet you that green bridge is a big deal. And then lovely Finn, who took me from the station, I said, what's the green bridge about? He said, it's just a bridge. I knew better.

Is that the old bridge? Yeah. They're reopening that, aren't they? It's open. Oh. The new bridge is quite something. Well, the top two things that they had were the green bridge and is it safe to live in Runcorn?

That was the first two reactions. Did you Google it? Yeah, I Googled it because I always wanted to know, I've become like my old man, I wanted to know population size. I've always got to know population size.

How many cunts am I dealing with here? How many Runconians? I don't know what they are. Runconians? Maybe. Runconians? Runconians.

They should drop that. Oh, it sounds better, Ronconians. And then I got to this. Can I first up say, this is the bollocks, man. What you boys have done is fucking incredible. It looks amazing. You got off your ass and did something. Should also be said that the science park it's on

looks like the set of fucking Chernobyl. When I got here, I was like, wow. I think they're doing season two right now and it's pissing me off with the parking. Is it really the set? No, but they are filming something here. Do you know what I look like there? You know when you blag like a female member of your family?

I went, is it me? Oh my God. Yeah, it's very Eastern block, isn't it? It really is, man. It really is. But this. It feels like a school corridor, doesn't it? Like the science block of school.

Yeah. A school with ghosts and court cases bending you know they had to shut down in the end there was just too much of it going on we spoke about this with each other quite a bit

like we feel quite sort of out of place on this corridor because we're in here talking about our dicks and our bumholes and stuff yeah you go outside and then there's a scientist

going past with like a big well that might be dick and bumhole related as well you never know they might be doing swabs of the new variants that are mainly arsehole based imagine might be dick and bumhole related as well you never know they might be doing swabs of the new variants that are mainly arsehole based

imagine if they're like bumhole scientists that famous type of scientist they are some of the leading bumhole scientists in the world where do you go if you need your

bumhole inspected roncorn mate you wouldn't say it though would you at the annual science awards they'd come up with another word you don't like chiropractor

the anal science awards The annual science awards. They'd come up with another word. You don't like chiropractor. The anal science awards. The anal science awards. The absolute obsession with our bums at the moment is phenomenal. A lot of bum hole based. I love Runcorn and I love the two bridges.

I think it's so, like, this amazingly expensive one that is a toll that you don't pay at the time. You have to pay very soon afterwards otherwise you get spanked with a fine what's the fine it's like 50 quid is yeah so you can just drive over it and then you go i'll go online and you gotta pay it by midnight tomorrow

that's deliberately there to fuck with you yeah that's just your average person you know with postponement i've got to say as well man like there is there is certain southern like not arrogance but ignorance so when i knew i was coming here by train i honestly didn't think i'd be able to get here on one train i was just i was convinced it would be one of those really it doesn't make any sense is it the Liverpool train and it drops off at Runcorn I didn't think you could can you get that the direct Liverpool train the fast train

from Liverpool to London and vice versa stops here it goes Liverpool Runcorn Crewe London they're the only stops

that's it Geoff Geoff thought he'd have to take a horse and cart from Stoke I thought I was a train all the way with seats

these northern cunts getting fucking clever it's exactly what it is that i was the same as when the first time a lot of southern comics gig in harrogate right we're told that they've got harvey nicks but you don't really believe it and then you bowl about there and you go fucking hell you go i've come all this way north and found somewhere i could afford to live i was never expecting that that can't be fucking right it took us a long time to accept that chester was expensive.

Even the Hollyoaks were touting this. None of us really believed it. And then Chester is fancy, man. You've named two of our three nice northern towns. If you throw York in, we're like, yeah, that's it. That's everywhere that's reasonably nice. I think we have covered it. I mean, that's the funny thing, isn't it, in the South?

Where do you live? I live now. St. Neots? Well, I've moved from there. I've got even more rural cambridgeshire and it is difficult when you're doing like you know you're talking about a book which i'm sure we'll get onto but you talk about your working class council estate upbringing and then when people ask that question you go well it's kind of you know between places but it's really it's very rural cambridgeshire now it's very nice but it's it's sort of it's not cambridgeshire like pun rural Cambridgeshire now it's very nice but it's sort of it's not Cambridgeshire like punting Cambridgeshire

yeah because that's the problem is also I grew up on a council estate in Wimbledon and that's got fucking no credibility whatsoever and I live in a bit of Cambridgeshire

that isn't that nice but people tend to presume you know it's all walking around mortarboards and whatnot because it sounds posh doesn't it it does sound posh

I did one of my first gigs down south for you when I was a Manchester comic in 2004. Yes. And then around the time I met you at the Frog, because we've been going almost the same amount of time, like 20 years in. We are.

Exact same peer group, I would say. Yeah. Well, you were a bit younger. I was 12. Yeah, I hate doing this chat. And you got me down to St. Neots, and it was like a big thing in my diary because i like my diary list was like uh manchester preston liverpool manchester oh

blackburn like it was really localized and then you were like yeah you should come down to st neots and we did a fucking road trip and it was like wait we're kicking down do you remember um i ran that gig and i called it Class Jokers What a wanky name And I remember I remember writing A press release for it And I used that phrase

I said the club Is the brainchild Of comedian Geoff Norquist I don't know what Brainchild means You probably can't Write in your own blurb

In the third person Never stops Me and Carl Ran the Box of Toys Comedy Club That was mine And Carl's Attempted

At least that's An original name. Class Jokers. Just sounds like fucking Amdram Group. I don't think it's that bad. The worst one the Frog ever had was on a Thursday night, they had like a curry deal for their Thursday night comedy and they called it Curry and Quips.

I quite like that. and they were like it's that's our name and i was like that is not a good name and they were like because of curry and chips like i don't give a fuck the problem is for the frog that sounds way too middle class curry sounds but you tag it up with quips curry and quips again that's a double act at the fringe yeah curry curry i'm john curry and this is martha quips two divorced housewives that's a double act at the Fringe yeah Curry I'm John Curry and this is Martha Quimps two divorced housewives what was Blue

what was our thing called at Blue Comedy Central Raw oh yeah I'm even over at Secret Sunday Blatney had a proper name didn't it

they were already called Comedy Central and they gave us the room on a Wednesday and we're like you can do whatever you want so we were like can we use the name

and they said yeah and we went it was a new material and we just called it Raw yeah when when promoters and comedians

get too into the oh yeah it's at this but it's actually the name of the night is like just call it the fucking Fox and Hound Comedy Club

it will make it a lot easier for everyone that doesn't give a shit about the branding it's true it's true unless you've got like a bit of branding that doesn't give a shit about the branding it's true it's true unless you've got like a bit of branding that's an absolute doozy

like the Glee Club I mean that was such a doozy yeah they fucking sued yeah American TV show Fox Television yeah

millions of pounds oh I'd love to know how much they got so if you don't know the story we've touched on it before the Glee Comedy Club the Glee Comedy Club registered as a trademark in the

mid-90s yeah and the american tv show owned by fox were like well we've started the glee is it what is it just called glee just called glee and their argument was this is so universal you can't trademark this name yeah forgetting that in this country glee club doesn't mean the same thing like it's not as universal like Quite rightly, the comedy club's like, yeah, you can't have a TV show using our name. And eventually, they fucking won. Seven figures. They did win.

And the thing is, it's a big chain to us, but it still was only like four venues. We're not talking a massive multinational company. No, no, it's not. It's eight figures. It was over 10 million. No, nine. I'm just waiting now.

Twelve figures. Five billion trillion pounds. But they only pay 220 quid to close. I'd rather be at Curry and Quips, which closed in 2007. I guess what I need is I need Amazon Prime to do a show called Class Jokers. Then you'll see the payday.

Yeah, I don't think the Frog are carrying the already with her if someone just starts currying quips which will probably be racist in some way do you know it's like i don't know if your mates did this but do you remember when people started registering domain names back in the day it was like thing is you read this was like this probably ages me more than you boys but they were going if you if you registered the main name then a company won it they'll have to pay you 100 grand and one of my mates he registered everyone's doing it right it's cost 200 quid one of my mates registered one saying i want a beer.com i was like but why would like a company that we're like a bit he goes yeah but he said like if you google i want a beer no no no that's not what you google you google pubs near me and he's was like, nah, nah, nah, you'll see.

You'll see. That is so funny. He's still got it now. He's still got it now. He's still got it. It's what people want. And they articulate that perfectly. I want a beer.

Like, all right, I am hungry. No one ever puts that in the Google. And if you were Green King, right, with all your pubs, you wouldn't have your domain name as Iwantabeer.com. You would have it as GreenKingPubs.com. I knew a few. I knew a few. Yeah, it'd probably be it as green king pops i knew a few yeah it'd probably be that right but i had a few mates i had one mate who um he he got like a timeshare in an

ice cream van right it's six months of the year and he was so happy he was like his little sideline i said all right which we thought was one month on one month off and he goes i got october to march i was like you fucking idiot how many hot dogs do you think you're gonna sell that's not real it's real off and this was a geezer when i worked in um in advertising not like the don draper side but like advertising sales but for itv so he was another exec right he was like but he was just thought this is this is where this is where i make my real money is a time sharing an ice cream van as well and i just think and he's like yeah but i'll turn up to like events and that and i was going i just yeah i just don't think it's gonna work was he chuffed

that he got the winter he's like yeah but i play cricket jeff so it just works yeah yeah all my saturdays are gone you know up till then imagine as well that bloke whoever negotiated that vim when the starting point was right i want six months on six months off that seems fair okay october march that's mine. You know what you're doing? Yeah, you know that. And he's walking around going, I've got Christmas.

Yes. I've got the Christmas ice cream rush. Amazing. Are you moist at them? What sort? There's a bit of brown sauce on me top. Oh, my days. Classy moment.

You've got a book out I do yeah it's called Jeff Norcott yeah it's just called Jeff Norcott isn't it it's called Jeff Norcott

it's called Jeff Norcott where do I go right how left lost me have I mentioned that I'm conservative recently in the last five minutes

and other titles okay is that really what you're doing no no no people take the piss because my titles are always really I'm shit at titles

You know So I did a show At the Edinburgh Fringe Called Conservative All I did was change one letter I just was like Right I'm really I think that works

I think that works It just about works Then I had one the following year Called Right Leaning But Well Meaning And then I thought If I did the third one Going like

Have I mentioned recently My politics You know Because I do believe in titles That actually do just, I'm not, I'm not subtle, you know,

whack them over the head with it. I'm all about subtle to me. You've got the one words. You've got the one word. No, I don't mean title. I mean, like on this show,

I'll say, I'll say a joke. And then for like 10 minutes, you'll be like, I don't get it. Yeah. And then I'll be like, you know what I said before?

Do you know what I mean? Subtle. But your show titles are actually a little bit like. My show titles are always sort of a bit dick swingy. I think it's funny. They're very powerful, aren't they? Yeah.

So I've done Unbearable, Undeniable, Pinnacle. And my next one's called Imperious. Yeah. You don't pay for posters by the letter, by the way. It's not Adam being a cheapskate.

Gort, I'm doing an animal show called Gort. It's that cheap poster. I love it though. I love the idea of your third show being called Pinnacle and then you go,

fuck, what's the next one? Imperious. On the way down. Galactic Empire. So, we've asked our patrons to send us some questions

because you've carved out a career for yourself as not just a brilliant comic but someone who's nailed down being one of the few

openly conservative comedians in the country I think there's quite a lot who actually are conservative and just keep their mouth shut when did you when did you actually

because when talking about when I gig for you back in the day we were just comics yes I wasn't conservative then as well. But you weren't doing politics stuff. At what point in your sort of career did you go, actually, this is what I want to talk about? Was it just something, did you just start writing it or did you actually make a concerted effort to go,

I've seen a gap in the market here and I'm going to be this kind of comic? So the first thing that happened was, it was about 2013 and we had done this circuit, right? It's great, great fun going out there, stags and hens and stuff and I was doing a lot of army gigs. But creatively, creatively guys,

you know, it's a bit limiting and I thought, I just want, I want to try something a bit different. I love doing stuff about difference between men and women. I always will.

I'll always be in my shows. But I thought, I want to try something else. And then my missus in 2013 said, well, you voted conservative at last election. That's a bit weird for a comedian i thought that's a good point so i had the the leicester festival coming up and i had an hour booked i just thought i'd do like 10

15 minutes on it see how it went and it was it was exciting like i had a couple of walkouts and stuff that's not a good metric for it yeah it's just a fucking day all left you know i've never felt so alive but and then i got like I got probably my last good review of Chortle but I got a good review for it I got nominated for best new show and I thought well that was interesting but I didn't know

whether there was anything more in it and then it was after that that they started saying well where are all the right wing voices in comedy now I won't fucking lie there was a part of me that went have you seen this article here but I just found it interesting

you know to just try and represent fairly commonly held views and stuff because comedy at that point was very very sort of set in and it's not just about hard p politics i whether you vote conservative or labor but on social issues you tended to always know where it was coming from right you know fuck the bankers we'd already gone through that era fuck you know people who believe in god and so it started to become a bit predictable to me and then and then yeah i won't lie like you know once you see that people like it and it's creatively interesting you definitely lean into it a bit yeah absolutely basically the whole industry especially around that time yeah it's like just liberal left wing

wasn't it like it felt like it felt like it to to go on stage and be like ah racism's um bad and like you're just one of and it is it absolutely is it doesn't mean you're wrong but you cannot have an original like take on like that sort of it because you you're on a bill where everyone's just agreeing with each other especially i think at the fringe as well it was particularly noticeable i think when you get more working class comics, you would naturally get people that are willing to go for subjects a bit more or hold people personally accountable, even if it can create a bit of discomfort. But the fringe,

it just seemed to be a procession of all the same opinions. And when I did that first show at the fringe in 2016, like properly political show, conservative, it's fucking tense, man. Like it was really, cause the thing was,

I never knew what I was going to get. Like I would, sometimes I'll get like quite a lot of people who agree with me. And that actually wasn't that fun because it was normally blokes about the age of 60. I had a room full of white blokes going, yeah, push it further. I hate a fringe usually, but it's no cock guys talking my language. They come up all the way, all Londoners as well. Like an England away game. but it's no cock. I was talking my language. They come up all the way. All Londoners as well. They come up on. Like an England away game. Follow me on me.

No brass bands. No brass bands in Jeff Court. No cock. Every time I said something negative about women. And I did it. You know, but what you always want, right, is you want to mix and comedy and it's the truth about comedy is it does thrive on all sorts of diversity of opinion different acts on

the lineup and and the best shows were always when there was a bit you know the other way but then sometimes i had a night where it was all really liberal and stuff and they were like they'd like i've come to get outside of my echo chamber like i imagine they had a list of 10 shows and they thought well i should do that show so I can have nine shows that I agree with. But those were 10s as well. It's funny, isn't it? Because that's the whole thing about liberal politics

is it's meant to be accepted. And then you're like, well, this isn't what I agree with. And you're like, okay, so let's test your liberalism. Let's test how open you are to it. There's our panel show. Let's test your... I mean, all comedians are doing quiz shows now. That could be a nice tea time fun one. liberalism let's test how open you are to it there's our panel show let's test your i mean all comedians doing quiz shows now that could be a nice tea time fun one let's test your liberalism

straight after tipping point call it tipping point two yeah yeah you love immigration apparently oh here's your daughter let's set up a date liberal tipping point um so we've done we've been doing this podcast since january 2020 and we've done a lot of tory bashing yeah this podcast because i the tory party uh party, Boris Johnson and co, give me a seething rage, and genuinely, I hate them from the bottom of my soul. Not a big fan of Keir Starmer, though, to be fair, are you? No, because he's the same person. I'm convinced.

So when we today put a thing out to our patrons, if you've got any questions for Geoff, there was a lot of, why does he want us to starve children to death? Why? Right. Now I think, you know, Boris Johnson genuinely doesn't care

if a few kids starve to death. I think he's like, that's just the cost of running it the way I want to run it. I think there's a misconception with me and Dan from this podcast from a few of our listeners, which is that we don't engage with people we disagree with. Because I don't, we've we disagree with because i don't

we've never spent an extended period of time together and spoke about politics so i don't really know what you think on a lot of things and what you don't and i don't necessarily just because someone votes for a different party to me be like i'll bash them and i'll have a laugh and i'll take the piss but i'm not just like i wouldn't talk to him because i disagree quite like talking to people you're liberal you're a test. You're liberalism. Yeah, but that's the thing about modern quiz shows as well. You have to have a quotable phrase as well.

You know, like, what's your talent? Like, how liberal are you? But I mean, when it comes to Boris Johnson, this is the thing about politics now that's so interesting is that I'm not a fan of his at all. You know, like, I think a political choice, you know, I used a political choice you know i used to a gag like it was at least shit it's a choice between the least shit of two options

right it's like you're gonna get waterboarded but you can choose sparkling or steel for the water as you slowly fucking die and it shows right so that's how i see it it's like an imperfect so obviously you would go sparkling i leave of course i go sparky You know what I mean I check Is it branded You know But it's elite Kill me with steel For Northern land Drown me in tap water Council pop Geoff can you just

Drop your mic a tad I can do man Just so we can see your face Oh yeah yeah But yeah It's like I think there are certain parts Of my political character

That means I'm always likely More likely to vote Conservative But the weird thing About the last few years Has been like Like it's this massive endorsement you're like fucking go tory yeah like it's always it's always been like a just an approximation and i think you know if you can look at the current political landscape i think like it's an easy choice to to vote labor that's

that's tricky because you know there are a lot I'm up north now. All these Northern Tory bastards these days, aren't they? Fucking strangling the country. Things have changed so much. Not where I'm from. Not where you're from. I mean, like that'll be, if Liverpool city centre ever goes that fucking, that's it, forget it.

That's like the fifth horseman of the apocalypse. They still get votes though. They don't win the seats, but they always get votes. And you're like, where the fuck are- No, but they're always like fifth in Liverpool. Yeah, but they always get votes. And you're like, where the fuck are- No, but they're always like, they're always like fifth in Liverpool. Yeah, but they still get votes and no one admits it.

Yeah, it's like- But there's always like, there's no Tories up north. Well, 17,000 people in this constituency. Still quite a lot of people, yeah. The Wirral, you know, this place is quite close

to Liverpool. Southport, Tory. Yeah. And that's very close. It's there. Yeah. North Yorkshire. I mean, that's what I'm saying.

It's the northerners, mate. Loving the Tory thing at the moment. And what's made it interesting that will get kicked back but we're cutting that out but what's made it interesting

for me is like whereas I've had a certain level of stick I think in 2019 a lot of people from Red Bull communities you know they were kind of disgusted

of certain parts of the left trying to stifle Brexit so they lent the Tories their vote right and then they got loads of stick online and got called this, that and the other. And then these recent elections,

they've done it again. And I think those recent elections were the interesting ones because you think something perhaps more permanent than before. I didn't think it would happen again. I thought it was a case of get Brexit done and, you know, hold your nose, vote for the,

even though like your ancestors who were miners are screaming at you, almost pulling your hand back to the Labour thing but maybe that same passion that they had for Labour has now turned against

Labour a little bit Hartlepool's a scare innit losing Hartlepool you're like how the fuck have the Tories won Hartlepool well the one thing

is the Tories have just gone fucking left wing that's the other thing like economically do you remember that election they were saying Boris Johnson's

a hard right fascist now they're fucking nationalising the trains he's gone all northern he's calling Rishi our kid you know that won them

Hartlepool hey oppa Rishi have some Yorkshire fucking tea or something they've just lent into it borderline racism

that is borderline people in Yorkshire are racist they get it sort of while we're in this area about the recent elections one of the questions we got from ben rain was as a tory how much is he enjoying the absolute wet wipe that is the leader of the labour party kia starmer because

i i was talking to freddie quinn on twitter about this as like a sort of heated exchange between me and another mate like i i understand why there's certain issues around Jeremy Corbyn. I do. But I was still a fan of his and I would have voted for him every day of the week and twice on Sunday before I voted for Boris Johnson personally.

And Keir Starmer, when he first came in, there was a lot of people from Liverpool who I'm in a bubble of them on Twitter and there's so many scousers there. And it's such a sort of a city grounded in socialist ideals who at the last election, the last general election, it was, you need to vote for Jeremy Corbyn even if you don't like him

because it's about keeping the Tories out, tactical voting sort of thing, which I sort of understand. And then as soon as Keir Starmer come in, all the same people who said that were like i will never vote for labor again under kia starmer and i was like right well you can't have your cake and eat it too yeah it's still about keeping the tories out surely so you've got to vote for kia uh just because he's not them if you've got the thing is like the problem they

got though is they keep picking these north london liberal intellectuals and they've been pushing their luck right they've miller ban their cool right? They've Miliband, they had Corbyn, and then Starmer comes along. He just looks like the kind of guy that's always just come out of hot yoga, doesn't he? Like, recently styled, you know what I mean? He looks like he probably spends more on coffee than most of us do on our mortgage.

But he's come from that life. He's Sir Keir Starmer. He's like the lead prosecutor for... Well, I mean, he's... He is a classic London leftist. But they would say, though, they said there is this thing that they said his dad was a toolmaker,

but apparently his dad owned the factory and stuff. I always think he gets a bit... His dad, yeah, he did make tools, but he also owned people. But I think that it can get murky into who's the most working class and stuff like that. But the bottom line is, is that he doesn't really inspire any feelings. And the thing about boris johnson and i'm not a fan

i've never been a fan i've never had much but i get a lot of stick off tories for like what why don't you ever seen i had a walkout in gilford actually from a woman was like she was she was surprised by the fact i didn't like boris johnson she said well he's a lot funnier than you i thought fucking hell of all the places i've talked about my politics very like left-wing places bristol liverpool the edinburgh fringe i go to gilford and it fucking kicks off in gilford because i don't like boris johnson well i i really like a witty witty prime minister yes he's a lot funnier than you is he only going to be in a pm not interested but five stars for the bounce well i don't think he well we were promised that the one thing of boris you get right whether you like him or not, at the dispatch box,

he's going to be proper banter. He's not. He's not funny at all. He's not that good on his feet. Look, there are certain things he's done instinctively that you think, well, fair play. You know, he's got certain things achieved. But in terms of an orator,

I don't even think he is what he's touted to be. But as you say, Adam, he's got this fella on the other side of it who is just fucking insipid it's just pathetic so i i was really on the no give him a chance and you know as much as i would like the left of labor to have a chance in the country and see what happens i think you know historically and you the data's there for everyone to see labor only ever gets in when it leans towards the center rather than to the far left so i was like i'd rather win i'd rather

i want to win again we haven't won for a while we haven't won in my adulthood we haven't won so i want to win again so let's give him a chance and i genuinely at the minute won't vote at the next election because i'm just like i could never ever vote tory and i wouldn't want to anyway i don't agree with any of it but i can't vote for him because i'm just like why don't you vote for the labour party then not him yeah it's not what you've just said though people do the toys at any cost you still need to get behind the cause don't you because then if everyone vote for your local mp he's not the antichrist he's a bit of a wet wipe he's not like no but i just i just don't think it's gonna matter because he's not the antichrist he's a bit of a wet wipe he's not like no but I just I just don't think

it's going to matter because he's not going to win I've got to say in this interview I didn't expect Adam to be the one under pressure this early on talking about politics

so yeah Adam I was going to join in if you ever want to sum up why the Labour Party is in trouble we are both Labour voters and we are having a bit of an argument

with each other it's a microcosm of the whole problem come on we've got never mind him we're going to sort ourselves out no I'm not doing the whole problem come on we've got never mind him we're going to sort ourselves out

no I'm not doing it I think he shit well just never mind do you know the one thing people say the Labour Party

aren't working class anymore the one thing that is still very working class about them is the way that they fall out when they fall out

it's proper fucking fight at a wedding police call women coming out with clumps of hair and fascinator out they absolutely kick the shit

out of each other. But I think you're right. A lot of people sold Keir Starmer, didn't they? So look, just hold your nose. This guy, he's exactly the kind of bloke you don't want, but he'll get us an election win. You know, and people, despite what they thought about Keir Starmer,

they did all that. And he's just not that good. And, you know, they sort of say, well, he's this forensic Keir. And you go, you know, if you're on a stag do, and that's your nickname, no one, you know when a of say oh he's forensic Keir and you go you know if you're on a stag do and that's your nickname no one you know when a stag do

splits up and you go right some of us want to go clubbing some of us want to go to a casino forensic Keir you know forensic Keir can fuck off right even though I think

he's back in a travel lodge at like 9.30 yeah he is and that rugby tackle Boris Boak he's a prick but I think it's going to be an interesting night

and I know loads of people will hear that and go, it's just so depressing people are making choices on this basis. I'm not saying that's the reason you should make your democratic choice, but ultimately leadership, it's got to make you feel something and all he makes me feel is like Keir Starmer is like, just that he gets all his

stuff from the white company. You know, like one of those posh shops that Do you think Bojo will still be around to fight the next election? Do you think the higher-ups in the Tories are going to make sure that he's not facing the next election? Or has the last few months gone well enough that...

Well, he's got a lot of enemies in the Conservative Party. He's got loads. There's loads of people that despise him because he's not seen as being very conservative, is the other thing. He's just a sort of shapeshifter. Do you know what I mean? He can, on one hand,

do something very liberal, on the other hand, sort of like, wave through something that... He's a powerbshite he likes to do whatever it takes to be to to become whatever he wants to be totally he didn't expect he wasn't the pandemic pm we were hoping for yeah let's be honest i mean there were points there were points last i mean i've got to say as well with your title of the book where did i go right and then you know at some point you've got to get on the the pr trail there was points very recently i was going how the fuck am i going

to sit on radio shows when all this shit is kicking off because you remember how bad it was a few months ago thank fuck for that vaccine rollout thank you well done thank you for the back i mean and that's the thing it may be one of the things he benefits from is his critics make stuff seem too impossible right so he'll never be prime minister. He's prime minister. He'll never reopen the withdrawal deal. Oh, he's done it. He'll never get a trade deal in a year.

He's done it. He'll never turn the vaccine thing around. He's done it. And these are things that were all doable, but because everyone said it's so impossible, they've made him look like a fucking Avenger. Like, it's not that, you know, I mean, I'm not saying they were easy, but they've just, the liberal left press, they go so hard at these things and you know brexit's all going to be super gonorrhea

and empty supermarkets that when these things don't happen even if they're not as good as the brexiteers promised you sort of say well we're not you know on the streets eating pigeon yeah that it was it was it was billed as absolutely cataclysmic wasn't it and it looks the same it's a good point well it might be it might be in the law. And this might be one of those moments where someone goes, well, this aged well. And it goes, like, in a year. That wasn't me doing the bullshit bell on you, Geoff.

I'm sick of this. Let's see. What was it? Liberal? I forgot the fucking name of our new quiz. Test your liberalism. I got, on the vaccine, no, I got mine yesterday. I got the Pfizer.

I'll have Pfizer, please. It's a bit luxury, isn't it? Thank you. How, what was the after effects? It's all, I feel like slightly coldly down, but it's not that big a deal, you know. But we all know, right, like the Pfizer, it's a bit fancy, isn't it?

And the Moderna, that'd be something. Well, I got the AstraZeneca, so yeah. What is it, which one's which? Is the AstraZeneca? It's the Oxford one. Oh, okay. And then there's Pfizer. Which is it? Which one's which? Is the AstraZeneca? It's the Oxford one. Oh, okay. And then there's Pfizer. Which is the German one. You'll take it, you'll get better.

Okay. Come on. That's the tagline. And then you fuck. And they all come in for your shot. But hang on, this is no needle. This is just my dick. Have you been sexually abused by a German bloke?

Oh, Adam, you've had your shot the moderna the modernas yeah i was quite i was quite interested in the moderna because i thought that's the kind of one that you last minute you tell your missus you go by the way baby i've booked a moderna oh moderna very nice but the astrazeneca i think it's brilliantly british though isn't it because it's just it's cheap fucking knock it out you don't need to refrigerate it it's not

it's not it's not all that get it in your son yeah you can light your barbecue with it it's useful and it sounds great

when a scouser says it as well AstraZeneca well I got did I tell you this on podcast I told you the night when I was driving home

I was there yeah when they called no no no so this was a couple of weeks ago so I got the AstraZeneca? I told you, didn't I, when I was driving home? I was there, yeah. When they called. No, no, no. So this was a couple of weeks ago. So I got the AstraZeneca jab. I get a bit of health anxiety, like quite a bad. And I'm always worried about blood clots, heart attacks, and strokes. They're just always on my mind.

He's a riot laugh. Right? No, I have the same. So I've had it. Against me better sort of anxiety judgment. Yeah. I got off of it and took it and then literally two days later they were like uh like one in three people who get this get a blood clot and i was

like oh fuck no so for like a week my health anxiety just went off the rails so i was driving home from here oh yeah and i'm going across the runcorn bridge and cause here's how i cope with my health anxiety i distract myself so if i'm anxious at home i play fifa because i'm a typical man i can't multitask i can't do two things at once so if i'm playing fifa i'm not worried about my health i can't do both so it distracts me because i was driving home on the route i do twice a week at least i was on autopilot so i could i could be anxious so on purpose, I'm going to go the long way home. So instead of going onto the motorway, I went through speaking Liverpool.

I got to traffic lights. I went, oh, right. And because I'd stopped for a second, I started getting a bit anxious. And I just looked up and the building next to me has got a big sign on it saying AstraZeneca. It's actually going to keep all their fucking supplies supplies and i had no idea it was based in liverpool there's a guy being carried out of there on a stretcher it was i was like and it made me not anxious even though it because it was just so ridiculous that i'd gone that way to not think

about the podcast no mate listen i i i think you know i i had some of that as well i do i do suffer from some of that as well but also i realized because of my politics as well and you would you naturally associate anti-vax with being right wing i don't know why there's a lot of people against big pharma but i suddenly when i said that i'd had it loads of people close to me going thank god you had that and i realized everyone just assumed that i wasn't going to get it but i had to delay for exactly that reason i had a fear that i'd expressed with the gp about a condition or something i just had to iron out before i had it but everyone must have secretly going he's fucking anti-fax jeff's got anti-fax just waiting then it gets out on the family whatsapp it's like oh praise the lord he's he's seen the light i was always

gonna have it we got a question that i actually didn't pull out because they named a certain comic and i'm not gonna do that so one the questions was, how do you feel about having lunatics like other comic lumped in with you? And it's sort of on the, the person mentioned is an anti-vaxxer, Bill Gates is microchipping people. That is seen as right wing. And there's so many people who see you as the same, isn't there?

Do you know what I mean? Well, yeah, I mean, it's suspicious. So you go right wing comedian. First up for for a long time people immediately think of the worst right wing views so you say that they get fucking racist anything they go like oh you're left wing so i'll bet he's really lovely you know it's the same it's the same problem that left and right have

generally is if you think left where you go john lennon yoko oh no you know never stalin right right right wing is hitler so there is this image problem but it's it's a spectrum there are comedians on you know a lot of what gets called left-wing comics and center-left comics essentially especially on topical panel shows you talk about out and out left-wing comic you know you might be talking about someone like Alexis Sale you know and even as we speak he's getting into controversy for certain things that that he said so I think that what happens is there's a lot of people that just simply don't like the idea of there being comedy from the right.

By the way, sorry, just because it won't make any sense if I don't big this up at any other point, it has to be now. You've seen the video of Alexei Sayle at the pro-Palestine march in London yesterday. And he called Keir Starmer a horrible little shitbag. Like in front of thousands of people, he goes, I don't know whether the leader of the

opposition's here the little shit bag it's so fucking great i know why you added horrible as well clearly in that did little adam rowe i think he might have said horrible i think he might have i don't know but that's the thing isn't it he's he's a more like spicy flavor of left the thing about right-wing comics is a smaller palette so they would naturally think they were all coming from the same place and truth about me right

when I started this people would say I was edgy refreshing it's absolutely none of those things but I wanted

to think that I was thinking I'm a fucking edgelord the truth is I'm a right wing centrist dad that's what I am

I'm 44 I vote conservative and stuff like that I want to have a nice house a few holidays I've got sort of material aspirations and so I think it's the opposite of edgy but it's just the context yeah you've made

yourself a white straight minority i know in comedy yeah we were talking about it last night you get booked on on panels and bills because you're like well jeff's obviously you know one of them many it's a diversity book in yeah he's quite incredible but i do i do think that like a lot of people probably have spent a long time saying that well right-wing people aren't funny and people don't like to be any evidence that proves them wrong so if you do something that's funny they'll either say well he's a character or or pretend that there wasn't a laugh in the room or stuff like that so there's a group of people who are just never gonna accept this because they were always like

well comedy is our thing that's the one thing that they can't have but I do I just thought I remember thinking this in 2013 I just thought

it's a bit fucking weird to think that certain humans can't be funny because that was once applied to women it was once applied to I realise

you always play out oh what is Geoff Norcott saying he's experienced the same suffering as women in comedy I'm not it's anything it is a lot fucking nice You always play out, oh, what is Geoff Norcott saying? He's experienced the same suffering as women in comedy. I'm not. Anything in its way,

it's an F for you. It's anything, it is a lot fucking worse. Inverted snobbery. It's just inverted snobbery, isn't it? Like, well, you're from that, you can't be this.

Yeah, yeah. Which is bullshit. I don't think the country, like there's been a lot of this debate recently. I don't think the country is sitting there, anyone's going, you know, where's this right wing comedy vehicle? I don't think anyone's saying that. But I think what they might do is when they watch topical

panel show type things, they might think, well, there were certain points of view that I hear very commonly that weren't in that. That's all that needs to change. It doesn't need loads of conservative comedians. It just needs a bit of a broader sweep. If you've got seven people on a panel show, you know, maybe one of them and not just me as well. I mean, like, I'd love it to, you know, it needs to and not just me as well i mean like i'd love it to you know only but it needs to be more people just to say hey you know what maybe chest feeding instead of breastfeeding is a bit of a fucking weird phrase right oh is that a thing yeah yeah is that where you draw the line it's na yeah that's what i'm really angry about actually a thing yeah

with nhs nhs of um there's been a few tweets i mean it's just an example of one of those subjects and it doesn't mean that this is what i got into this for was semantics right but but yeah they were uh they were tweeting stuff and instead of calling it breastfeeding they were calling it chest feeding and and i would imagine with most topical panel shows we know what comedy is like people will be like you know they might dance around that a little bit so the good thing is if it's someone like you know me, me or Simon Evans or Alan Cochran or any other brilliant people, is that they might just represent the other view. That's all.

That's literally all it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's totally... Should we talk about chest feeding? I don't understand why the need for that change in life.

Isn't breast, it's really offensive. Is it to non-sexualise it or is it to non-gender? It's a really liberal thing, to non-sexualise it or is it to non-gender it? It's a really liberal thing, isn't it? Surely. Because mums who were born as men need to chest feed as well.

And that's fine. That's fine. Just letting their child suck on their empty man tit. Why don't we call it Big Juicy Titty Time? Oh, and that's the other option. That's what you might have called it. Yeah, because actually titty... It feels like it needs a rhythm. Big juicy titty time, big juicy titty time.

And also breast is a medical term. That's the problem. And titty time is titty- That isn't a medical term. That's subjective. You have man tits. Yeah, exactly. Titty time.

Titty time. Big juicy titty time. You can see that on a pamphlet from the NHS. Geoff Norcott's new Edinburgh show title. Big juicy titty time Big juicy You can see that On a pamphlet From the NHS Geoff Norcott's New Edinburgh show title Big juicy titty time And with On the poster

It's just Geoff With his finger On his watch And then big juicy tits Next to him I really will I like to let people Know what a fucking

Show's about And also I really Because a lot of people Say what is he like Roy Chubby Brown That will be the moment Where I am when i come in with the goggles on the patchwork colored thing big juicy tits at the back i think this question is it's sort of one that i have when i speak to uh friends and colleagues who are tory leading and i think it's one that

i imagine you get a lot uh almost like a hack question to ask a Tory but it's it's something that does sort of it is in my head so it says how can he vote Conservative when he knows how corrupt and he said slash racist they are now I I know not every member of the Tory party or even Tory MPs are racist. I think some of them are. But I think corruption is a massive problem there, certainly from the echo chamber that I'm in. He knows that out for themselves. How does he square that away mentally?

So first off, I think with the racism, you know, there is definitely racism in the Tory party. And they've probably got a moment to come with Islamophobia, you know, in the same way that the Labour Party did with anti-Semitism. Oh my God, and that's been the last two or three years, isn't it? That if you're a Labour vote, you can't be throwing that fucking... Well, that's the point, isn't it? And I think that the simplistic notions of left and right

have been changed by quite a few things. And I think that the anti-Semitism, one of the... Labour have just welshed on a lot of their brands. And I probably shouldn't turn this back to Labour bashing. But in a way, it's what I'm saying. At the 2019 election, there wasn't a pure choice, was there? You know, Boris Johnson, who said these things in the past, the ridiculous things to say.

You've had Jeremy Corbyn in this present has turned a blind eye to anti-Semitism. So again, it comes down to imperfection. When it comes down to corruption, I mean, one is that at the moment, like, nothing has been proved. But look, in a couple of years, I guarantee Matt Hancock's friends will all have islands, right? There's definitely, they're all going to be on fucking jet skis. And they are, I think they're quite confident in the moment because what they're saying is,

well, we give out this contract because everyone's screaming out for PPE. So we're not ashamed. We didn't hesitate. If we knew someone, we'd go, go on, there you go. There's a fucking contract. Sort yourself out. And in this moment of COVID, I think that they're okay with that argument.

What I think will change over time, five years' time when we're all skin, right, and then the mirror every day again, here's Matt Hancock's friend one. And we started to see people that got rich during this time. I think that that is one way back for the left you know but i do think like it is at this point unproven but i think you'd have to be quite naive to think that there wasn't a fair bit of nepotism that's why i don't think he's gonna fight the next

election i think things will level out and then it'll be the tory higher ups going yeah so there's gonna have to be people taking bullets here yeah and hancock is a is just a dead man walking yeah because no the tories don't want to face an election going so what about all these you know jobs for the boys here what all it's it's i think everyone knows that like the wealthy the upper classes look after themselves but when it's a pandemic when people are dying then it's really reflects badly doesn't it yeah if you figured your nest during during that time i mean there's another part of me that does sort of think with matt hancock he's the just guy i'm not one of his mates you know i mean like is he he's he's like it's not good what he's done jeff i've got a contract for you what can you make up in cambridgeshire

if you're one of his pals you're like what an absolutely solid nailed on guy. I was thinking like, you know, you know, yeah, because they're all sat around the dinner table. He's like, guys, can anyone make masks?

Can anyone make plasticky masks? Yeah, I can, I'll give it a fucking go. You know, right back to the future too, like the thing was, he went back with the almanac

and sorted himself out. I think if I made that film now, I'd go back to Matt Hancock when he was about 12 and just become his best fucking mate. That would be would be an absolute the ppe king of cambridge yeah i mean he's incredible but the fucking almanac what a random back to the future to reference that was i didn't know that word until i saw you got a safe get a safe fucking brilliant yeah me me whacking my young self over the head you gotta befriend

Matt Hancock do you realise I know he looks like he should have his face flushed down a fucking floor but you gotta be his only friend so

on the subject before we have a break and move on to some non-politics and have a fuck around in the last bit you've mentioned that you don't think

Boris contests the next election I agree. Maybe it's sort of, you know, I'm not too up on my politics, I suppose. Unless they call it early. If he doesn't,

do you think there's a chance it's Rishi? Could be. I mean, what you have in Rishi Sunak is a popular Conservative Chancellor. Let's just take that in. You know, where we've come from. I mean, one thing I would say, you know where where we've come from i mean one thing i would say you know being economically right wing is yeah yeah when you throw around

cash you do sort of become a bit popular he's sort of like he's sort of like everyone's rich mate isn't he where we're all going hey rishi where what guy he's like and he probably has moments of paranoia where he's thinking is this is this just because no no but you got you've got proper cans of coke in your fridge back home, haven't you, Rishi? And all his mates. We're all piling round there. So his popularity, even his popularity is going to change

because if he's the Chancellor at the time where, you know, they finally discovered the magic money tree, he's also potentially going to be the Chancellor when, you know, they start raising taxes and stuff like that. But maybe if they're smart, they might just nudge him sideways for a while and just stick that job on some poor bastard that comes in for the period of you know women austerity call an election early move rishi over yeah so by the time he's prime minister

and they're all like fuck these taxes are ridiculous and the national debt like well he's not he's not the chancellor anymore? Prime Minister. What would be quite interesting is if Rishi Sunak wins an election and becomes Prime Minister and those of the left who do think that everyone on the right is racist have to square it with themselves that Conservatives have just elected a brown man to run the country. And two female Prime Ministers. But what they'll just say is, and I've seen this argument

and I find this shocking, is they'll just go, well, he's not a proper asian you know i mean they'll actually dispute his ethnicity where they'll just kind of sideline that information and and i think that they won't be able to reckon with it much longer because every time a conservative uh black or asian person becomes powerful that the same thing gets run out whereas they're yeah yeah you know like they're they're a coconut or they're an uncle tom or stuff like that gets thrown in from from within the black or asian not not totally but increasingly online we just did it to kia starmer though didn't we went well he's not a proper socialist yeah yeah it's from north london absolutely right like it's a weird little like how can you deflect their yeah

let's make authenticity that's what maybe they should do with starmer is they should make him eat like really working class food on celly just see how he reacts to it just feed him like a cold kebab and just watch for little signs and look at that he's fucking dry heaving

he ain't see the reason I don't like Keir Starmer isn't because he's part of the London elite and he's Sir Keir Starmer and his dad owned a fucking tobacco factory

or whatever it's because tools tobacco factory he's just making it up now he was a slave owner It's because... Tools. Tobacco factory. He's just making it up now. He was a slave owner. You know. It did.

Like, I'm fine. And he's not a real Asian. I'm fine with all of that. Like, all of it. Genuinely couldn't give a shit. I just don't like how shitty he is at his job. That's why I don't like him. Yeah, he's a wet wipe.

Yeah. Garb shite. He's only been an MP since 2015, by the way. He hasn't been around that long. He's a darling of the Labour Party, just like David Miliband was, and look where that goes. Ed Miliband, it's not good.

David Miliband would have won a general election, though, wouldn't he? I don't know. At that time, people were, the whole Blair Wright slick thing, I think now looking back, you think, well, at least he looked like he knew what he At that time, at that time, people were, the whole Blair Wright slick thing, I think now looking back, you think, well, at least he looked like he knew he was doing.

But at that time, the whole spin thing and the Blair Wright era, people were ready for a change. But it's really funny recently. He might be back. What's that? He might be back.

He could be back, but I think personally- He's running a non-profit in New York or something, like, I think, David Miliband. Yes, yeah, he's been over in the states for a while but i

think andy burnham like it's really funny when recently andy king in the north king in the north it shows all it took right was to be passionate to be northern to seem left wing and everyone said well oh he could be a great leader of the labour party go yeah imagine if he fought a leadership campaign as recently as 2015 and got spanked by Jeremy Corbyn, which is what fucking happened. He was obviously the best candidate. So he's somebody that I think if eventually, and he didn't play around when they said to him. Normally, it's like transfer speculation.

He could have said, well, I'm very happy as you are, Mayor of Manchester and all this sort of stuff. He's like, yeah, if they need me, I'll come. And I think that if they do need him and he does come, I think that could be where Labour start to revive. I would fucking love that. That was one of the best moments of the autumn

when Annie Burnham was basically stood outside the town hall in Manchester and went, I've told them to fuck off. And the whole North went, come on, come on. Brilliant. They told me to fuck off and the whole north went come on Andy come on brilliant they told me to shut it I've told them to fuck off

brilliant yeah one out all out down two fuck it it was great it was great what policies have you got beyond that

I don't know but they can fuck off they can't have Nick or King in the North I literally went to go quick King in the North gif and I went on Twitter

and everyone had done it I was like ah fair enough yeah I think Andy Burnham's got a real shot if he gets in power break time

has to be no more politics we've done it we've ticked that box haven't we yeah what's happening guys ooh

look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that that's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing Whatever that is You've got on What you need lad

Is a fucking t-shirt Or a hoodie From haveawaredpod.com You want some official Haveawared merch Go to haveawaredpod.com And get some then Instead of wearing

That fucking shite You've got on It's horrible You look a joke Don't be leaving the house Like that You want a hoodie That says rat

That's what you need lad Go and get it Haveawaredpod.com. Par 4. Final section. Par 4. What? Par 4.

I thought you said half 4. I thought you said par 4 as in golf. Yeah. Par 4. Par 4. Keep it on the fairway, Jeff. We're on the par for this episode. Not this on the fairway.

We'll have a pint at the 19th. Can you plug your podcast just before we do the rest of our podcast? Basically, in the interval, I'd say, can I plug my podcast? No, but it's good. People, I want us, we should share the wealth.

Good guys should be getting the nod. It's called Jeff Norcott Hates Starving Children. It's available on Apple Spotify. I was going to say it's called fuck the kids but then that sounds like that sounds like a different one it's called again with one of my fucking genius types called what most people think you see because you know people think it in majorities but yeah it's just to be honest a lot of it is kind of chat like like we've had but about social and political issues but coming at it from someone who's

partially informed, but we'll still wang on about it anyway. Geoff, if you want to get more subscribers from this, you've got to say it's about your bumhole as well. It's about my bumhole. Oh, no, I mean... Any bumhole chat? What we do have,

and I'd love to have both you boys on it, is a cuss count. And because we know that swearing's amazing, so I decided to formalise it. So you remember, like, on Top Gear, you had to start on a reasonably priced car, and then they had, like, what their laps were. Yeah yeah i keep a running total of swearing and slap it up yeah slap it up on the thing and currently i think romesh is top with an average he's done

two episodes average of 26 swears david baddiel very credible 26 in an hour yeah i mean i've i've i've done i've done I've done some there was one he works out the average as well this Patreon I've got David Domain absolute legend but he won I was

1.6 is he your goat he's my absolute Patreon hall of fame he 1.6 swears a minute I was averaging

and I didn't I wasn't conscious yet I didn't just want to be top of the leaderboard but sometimes when I do the solo episodes if I'm trying to talk about the news of the day,

every time I stop to try and think of a joke, I'll say fucking. Yeah. It's thinking time. You need Chris Washington on. Cause he'll get to the top of your leaderboard in the first sentence. Really? Man knows how to top that.

I accidentally as well. I think, I think, I think there's a lot of great swearing in this room. I can tell. I feel like I felt under pressure to swear then at something like, shit. We've got a would you rather.

The house, the would you, the, built this podcast. Staple, yeah. Would you rather be, no, don't read the prep, the bed did, yeah.

Why can't I read it? No, because you need to, don't read the prep. You don't do the prep. You don't read the prep. You listen do the prep You don't read the prep You listen to the prep That was such a Couple that have been

In a room a lot For a few years That moment I make the tea That was married 20 years Benny says Order Order

See you didn't do it properly Did you You fucking He doesn't like it When I touch the button Do you know Fat handed twat You're the woman here

Would you rather Benny says Would you rather Be a prop comic a magician or shoot yourself in the hand with a gun

you have to do one you can't do what I was going to do there was the usual thing comics do of terms and conditions that we do now there's a lot of great

prop comics I'll be honest I find magicians there isn't though is there there's one good magician I find Pete Furman I find magician Pete's great isn't though, is there? Well, I... There's one good magician. I find... Pete Furman.

I find magician Pete's great. I see him at Panto the other year. Fucking incredible. Absolutely. He was just brilliant. Just brilliant. And I'm not saying that he's not also good at magic. Also excellent at...

This is what I'm doing now. He's better at Panto. What a dick that is. I mean, he's an alright act, but phenomenal at Panto. I think he wouldn't mind that, given the old Panto, what a dick that is. I mean, he's an alright act, but phenomenal Panto. I think he wouldn't mind that given the old Panto cash. I think he managed to somehow make it credible. But magicians on the whole. When Adam gets Panto, it will be one of the greatest days of my motherfucking life.

He's going to be Panto. I know you are going to do it now, but one day you will. When you've married Sam in eight weeks and then you've got different responsibilities lads uh i'm thinking about doing a ponzo in liverpool i'll be like i can't wait bring it on it's gonna be some sort of sister though you get you get like a lot of money for you do yeah it'll be you ray quinn p price um purple lucky maybe yeah What the fuck? You just started. Tinhead. Just Scouser.

Ache and the Beanstalk. Purple Ache and the Beanstalk. Ache and the Beanstalk. Wow. What's the big panther? No, no, no, no. No. No.

It was the three. What's the big theatre in Liverpool that does the panto? It's like the Empire Empire I could have guessed I just I find magicians I find Cinderella

oh dad shut up I think magicians are I think it's weird to be a magician do you know what I mean especially when you're a grown up

and you talk to other grown ups magic was the first thing I ever did on stage well it's nonce innit what is yeah I when you're a grown up and you talk to other grown ups magic was the first thing I ever did on stage well it's nonce innit what is yeah I think it is a bit

and also you're asking other adults but we go well either this is bollocks or you're fucking magic which would be so like if I actually thought that

I would freak the fuck out and I just wouldn't want to be near because I think like you'd fuck with my stuff so they're going you know and it's clearly can you imagine the first person to ever legitimately realize that they can do magic yeah i need a deck of cards

yeah i'm gonna use this the first person in history to ever do the watch my thought and everyone like round the cave there but what we're talking about i hear that is someone standing behind that and realizing that temporarily his thumb did disappear yeah that's what i'm talking about that's what they're asking you to believe so i'm immediately do a trick i'm like just fucking show us a trick mate you're like it's so patronizing and you know when there's kids around maybe you shouldn't say that when you said that then i seen you at like a table in barcelona the josh pugh video yeah magic at the table the josh pugh video from last week yeah it's exactly that yeah yeah it's a way to get really really like magic i

really like it would you want to be one though i'd rather be one of them than a prop comic, yeah. Prop comic, Geoff? I really loved booking all sorts of comics, and I'd book women, I'd book, you know, I was very inclusive. Yeah. Different time. This gig was in 2004. Very controversial.

Geoff was a progressive back in 04. I've got a woman! Not tonight! She's juggling! Do you know what? I've got a woman. Not tonight. She's struggling. Do you know what? I can lay a claim. So last summer, when Black Lives Matter was happening,

it's a way of getting everyone to go quiet. There was this one lad that came to me on Instagram and was giving me stick because I hadn't turned my Instagram square black, which is obviously the way we all knew was going to defeat racism

in the long run. I was like, look, mate, I'm listening. Everyone says to straight white men, just listen. I was like, look, mate, I'm listening. Everyone says to straight white men, just listen. I was like, I'm fucking listening. That's what I'm doing, taking it all in. And then he started going, well, you've got to prove you're not racist.

And I thought, fucking hell, the moment you start saying I'm not racist, it sounds like you're racist anyway. And then I remembered, back in the day, I did a gig once in Feltham, right? Really dodgy part of West London. And we did a gig at what was the former home of the BNP,

which I didn't realise this. And I just, right, because I'm a very open-minded guy, I just happened to book all comedians of colour. You know, I thought about who I wanted. I think it was Nick Coppin, Clyde West,

it was, I think it was Jerry, Kai or someone like that. I just wanted a really like up front, in-your-face kind of comedy. And they must must have thought what a statement this geezer's making you know well i just thought that's going to be a fun lineup for this thing and then it fucking it kicked off that night but it didn't kick off because of race basically it kicked off you booked a gig at the former home of the bmp and booked it as a urban comedy night. I did, yeah. That is phenomenal. The English stylist was there for the interval.

I would rather be a prop comic than be on my belt. I have a real issue, though. I mean, this is a thing. It's funny because a lot of comics, a few comics had a pop at me, but I never can be negative about other comics. I don't know why but I've never I never can like be like negative or about or about other comics

I don't know why I don't know what it is you know I I don't like doing that like openly no openly what's up groups mate

whoa it's really funny I hate how weak it makes me but I can have like as you can imagine some of the shows I've done I've seen thousands of comments fucking right wing

gammon fuck cunt all this shit and I'll take all of that but then if one colleague and i shouldn't probably arm people with this going i wasn't sure about what you said there jeff i'm so i'm so broken by it it's pathetic so i agree that there's not to go out and be conti to other acts is i think unnecessary but i also think there's a little bit of two-facedness about the industry sometimes

where we're all very nicey-nice to each other's faces and then really cutting behind each other's backs and you could say oh well

just like makes the thing go I think what we're trying to do here is just be honest and maybe be a bit more honest than we'd be

in a dressing room when it's like like yeah it pays to be diplomatic in a dressing room when it's like like yeah it pays to be diplomatic in a dressing room because people are about to go on stage and it's awkward and you don't need to be a cunt but what i think we're doing quite well is like we talked about sheffield comedy a couple of weeks ago and i said things that i've kind of wanted to say either in real life or on facebook like for a while but you get to sort of go no i genuinely mean this i think i

would say this to the person and i think people get tired of like oh yeah everyone's just done really well and i think they're a great comic well as you know good as a comic now all i want to know is what you said about sheffield comedy ever since you mentioned about to be a bit of beef there oh is there the last laughs obviously been sort of there for a long time and there's a new comedy club opening and it's going to be sort of like you can't open yeah yeah this is some serious tony saprano shit going down in sheffield and i just i don't know i think people respond to a bit of fucking honesty but then there's like the unnecessary egginess of like i tell you else is shit like you know in a way weirdly i suppose i i was thinking maybe

more like you know the kind of like the snipiness you know more high profile comics in a way where someone will just slag off someone or in that sub tweety sort of way so in a way i probably agree with you like there's something definitely better about being really up front but there's a way that people sort of describe a comic but do everything other than name that name but whereas i've always just had a blanket policy of like not not saying anything directly about name but that's probably only because my pathological fear of being excommunicated from the guild yeah I've told this story a while ago but I saw a headliner slag off an open spot while the open spot had gone home in Leeds I think within about six months a year of starting and it was a really uncomfortable

feeling of like god that seemed cunty because the open spot was one of those like journeyman open spots and the headliner is a name that if i said we'd all go oh shit that's a proper headliner and if he'd have been in the room he'd have been fucking devo to hear it and as a comic i was like ah there's a line that i even as a new comic i was like i think that's gone past the line there's no need i mean just as an anecdote is sort of funny just because it's so bang out of order but the headliner he started ripping the i'm not doing this on purpose but this comic had a prop for one of his jokes and it was he doesn't do comedy anymore and it wasn't great

and it was an Irish comic who's like what the fuck was that? who the fuck? he doesn't even look like the fucking thing but he's doing like a few minutes on it

and it was kind of funny but you're like oh this is so cunty that's what you don't want is it to be actually no he's gone home he didn't want is it to be actually no Adam it was no he's gone home he didn't hear that

it was so content I was like no he's gone home yeah maybe what I'm getting vibes there is the other night Adam was on stage

at Hot Water and someone had a funny turn in the middle and what we watched can you imagine though if he was to act and then

what the comedy that the headliner did about it if he was to act and then what the comedy that the headliner did about it was actually just genius, like really good on the level of like Ed Byrne picking apart ironic. And then, oh yeah,

but you can do that without absolutely shitting on the guy. Yeah. And then there's the way of doing it where you're like, wow, you're really levelling him. Now I'm retelling it.

It's kind of funny. It is because it was a bad bit, but yeah. But it sounds like the comic at the end actually did like quite an intelligent deconstruction of it. Oh no, he just contered him off. Oh,

royally contered him off. But then again, is it better to be all like Bezos and be like, oh, this next, the headline is a really great guy. We all know,

we came from that era shortly after the kind of, we still had the ones where the, the, the compares would put the mic in tight, you know, and have that thing. Yeah. When you're doing junglers,

when you're doing junglers and they would be like, okay, well I've got to bring some prick on now, but if you want to know I'm back on, I'll be on in 20 minutes. I mean, that stuff still happened and they're good for anecdotes, but it was,

it was really hard at the time. I mean, I had that once where did a Christmas gig in the comic con before me, I'd put the mic in really hard and fucking turned it off and slightly loosened the cable just so just so you can look I mean it's funny

Jungler's dressing rooms were unbelievable how country they were it's so macho and you know when people talk about diversity in comedy the addition of more women

to the workplace has definitely like changed that culture because it was a bit much. And then, so when you go on, and the public, the audience, will always hold you accountable for everything that happens.

Even if the sound fucks up. Clearly, that's nothing to do with you. Comics fall, right? So you go and you go, hang on a minute, hang on a minute, and they're like, this guy's shit. This guy's absolutely shit. I knocked my headphones off my head before

in the first section, and you totally do lose credibility. Yeah. Pulling a mic out and then the lead going flop makes you look like you've never done comedy. The first time I ever did late in live in Edinburgh,

I was dead drunk and it's a radio mic and it's a radio mic that is too big for the clip mic stand that it's in. So I walk on it late in live. I've had like six drinks or whatever throughout the evening waiting to go on a three o'clock in the morning and i took the mic

out the stand because it was so tight and i didn't have a tight grip it just like like it was coming out of a pellet gun just flew and hit the back of the stage it just went right past me i did a hundred miles an hour and i had to pick it up and be like hello and i'm done i i quite like though a cunty dressing room when everyone's be like i make cunty dress you know when you're on like three mates yeah and you do certain shit on stage and then everyone else is like what the fuck is that like i like that but the balance has to be there where everyone has got the ability to take the piss out of everyone but when there's a bad egg in a dressing room or there's a few bad eggs,

I always think that when I go to Scotland and they've been winding each other up for years because they've got a smaller circuit, and then I pop up to the Glasgow stand and I'm sat there going, how is everyone? And I realise Le Compaire's not talked to the open act for the whole 15 minutes I've been in the room. And you're like, oh, these cunts hate each other.

Do you know what's great as well? This has got to be the most comedian thing ever. Our circuit's barely back and what we're looking forward to is mugging each other up going, you know what? I can't wait for it, Dad. It's the first time someone comes back in the green room and none of us make eye contact. That's when I know it'll be back.

I can say this now because it's not happening. We couldn't say it when he was on the episode a couple of weeks ago we have Freddie Quinn on he's a good mate of ours on the couch a couple of weeks ago and he couldn't mention it

at the time because it was still in the pipeline but we went for the pint me, Freddie Paul Smith who hosts Topwater Paul Blair who owns it

and we sat around having a drink and we've been back together five minutes and that group of lads we all really love each other and we can't wait to take the piss and get a slam in on one of our mates. And Freddie Quinn goes, the producers of The Circle have been in touch.

They've asked me to go on the show. And Paul Blair went, have they asked you to be The Circle? And he nearly left. Six months to not go for a bite with your mates. And that's the first thing that gets said to you. It's like, I might have to go. I can't cope with this. Brilliant.

Welcome back. Well, it's such a funny thing to come in. I've never been asked to be on a circle. Is it the comedian circle or something? Or is it just... Do you not know what the show is? It's the social media one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they've now cancelled the show completely. Yeah. Yeah, Freddie got a sniff and they closed it down. Shite mad as touch. Yeah. Shall we do some... Oh, this is a good one. All right, lads.

Similar to Harry Redknapp from managing to talk show host or Flintoff becoming Top Gear host, if you had to just flip your career on its head become equally if not more famous for some so this isn't like

what job would you have done if you didn't do stand up you know this isn't like I'd have been in a tobacco stroke tools factory so you have to become equally if not more famous

for something in a different industry what would you choose magician and what would you choose for the other lids? What do you think you would have been good at? What do you think you could have done well? There was a period with EastEnders

where I wanted to be like the love rat guy in EastEnders. You know, the absolute arsehole. It would just be like, there'd be ruffled bed sheets behind him and there'd be just some woman just lying there in a negligee or sometimes and then he'd just be

what fucking EastEnders EastEnders late night EastEnders but just combing your hair just be I'd love to play like an absolute bastard and then some people

think I already do that but on television I'd love to it must be so much fun to just be like chew up the scenery and be a complete shit bag just to be one

of those guys does two seasons of eastenders does a murder fucks off yeah and then gets like a seasons of eastenders there's only been one season actually there's been two oh really because when they came back after the pandemic because they had to stop filming for a bit they called it series two as like a publicity stunt so this is technically East End series 2 very good marketing the first series was 60 years long have you have you done have you done any acting

because I imagine you're from you're from the East End you know you're what South South London you're from South London

oh sorry of course you are sorry mate sorry we get a bit defensive about stuff like that oi wrong bit of fucking London you can't but I've done a little bit but I did I did a walk on party are sorry uh so i would get a bit defensive about stuff like that wrong bit of fucking london you

can't but um i've done a little bit but i did i did a walk-on part in um it was sort of slightly more than walk-on part but katherine ryan's duchess show on netflix so i was i was the kind of like mute husband of one of the characters in there and i had to do a little bit of face acting and the the eyebrow was going i've done a face acting. A bit of that. You had to do The Rock on Catherine Ryan's sitcom. I had to do a bit of it. It's such a laugh though. It's like a really, it's a fun thing to do. But I was only in a few scenes.

Those days, man, are so long. And just call times at 5am. I can see how you'd lose. Call times at 5am and you haven't actually got a line. That's a motherfucker, isn't it? Yeah. You've got to be ready to go with your face acting at any point everyone's going oh you've got to remember your lines i was thinking i've got to remember my eyebrow moves so which is i'm gonna do this and then i'm gonna go

like that i think you would make a really good qvc fella do you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah just like does it even exist anymore? I know I'm old, but. Doesn't it? Doesn't QVC. No, surely Teleshop until it exists. Next thing you'll be telling me the mint's not on every night. QVC is still a thing.

I just think you'd be a good at selling a product at overpriced. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you can cut this carrot 16 different ways with this. Chop! Yeah. I'd love to. See, surely before I'm getting in the car Yeah I'd love to See he's already Fucking getting in the car

I'd only want to sell The chopper Chop chop Do you know Who you could be Dan You could be the tech wizard In a big blockbuster film You know the guy

That's always Spinning around laptops And kind of Taking a thing out And go And just hacks into Because I'm wearing glasses Essentially

Yeah exactly Because you look Exactly like that I can't even do the graphics For the episodes of this. Like, I've got no ability. Adam's like, oh, shit, I've not got my laptop. Can someone do a graphic?

I'm like, I could draw it on a piece of paper, and I could take it to boots and get a photocopy. Well, yeah, I don't think Johnny Lee Miller was that good with computer science, but he was okay in hackers. I think the main thing- I don't think you have to be able to hack to play a hacker. I think acting is very much about- I hacking now like i'm in the pentagon what do you want to do i'm in the pentagon i'm in the pentagon now can you ask them to

devalidate the parking it's on free parking everywhere um i think i'd be a good celebrity chef yeah that yeah i can absolutely see that you think you'd be a good everything no but like specifically no no i i do i do see on saturday morning kitchen because eventually they'd realize that they're being like there weren't enough scousers yeah they probably are but they just think we need more scousers yeah coming they go can't afford the rimmer guy off Sunday brunch. And they go this guy. And then you'd have a little spin on it where you go like- I do street food.

That's it. Scouse street food. Yeah. What would your catchphrase be like? You know, like, fucking get on that. Go Ed. Yeah, that could be it. When you finish your dish.

Like, you know, like, fuck off. Get on that there and just flow the- Just get on that. Scram that lad. God, have you seen the Saturday Kitchens getting really aggressive with that Scouse lad? Just fucking eat it, you nut. Oh, is it?

Have they got a Scouser? But is there a way of doing, like... Fuck off. Is there a way of doing, like, Scouse street food? Yeah, because there's obviously Scouse itself as a dish. You could just be the Scouse guy, all different versions of Scouse. Scouse street food. I'm versions of scouse. Scouse. I'm not very good at making scouse though,

but I make a really good Cuban sandwich. Cuban. Why does scouse, what is the thing with scouses in Cuba? Is there some sort of thing? Is it a place that loads of scouses go on holiday? Drugs. Communists.

Hey, they love jazz. They fucking love castrolas. First time I went to Cuba, I was four. And also it gives you a chance to really get your mouth around that. It nearly got lost. It nearly got left out there because Jeff was very busy

trying to be a proper broadcaster. And I can't believe that I went. No, you're absolutely right. The first time I went, I was four. I mean, I didn't go abroad until I was about 19 but apart from Cuba I did

I did go to Gran Canaria when I was four yeah Cuba Gran Canaria similar place I did I did

did you yeah and I can't remember most of the holiday apart from when I fell off my lilo and I thought I was going to drown

and I can remember that like it happened earlier today I can see me auntie swimming over to me to put me back on me Lilo. She was like,

you're alright. She didn't even get you off the water and all that. She put me back on me Lilo. Just so it could happen again.

This came from Cuban sandwiches. I make a dang old Cuban sandwich. I nearly drowned when I was four. Get on that. Fuck off.

Bread. Cuban shit. Get on that. Fuck off. Bread. Cuban shit. Get on that. Fuck off. I do. I make a good Cuban. I make, what would be Scouse street food though?

Cubans? I just think all you go, you drill down so hard into Scouse as a dish. And that would be it. All you do is Scouse. But I don't make a good Scouse. I've tried and it's just, I can't get the consistency.

But we're also living in an alternative reality where you can do, he was a fucking computer hacker a minute ago. If he could do that, you could make Scouse. Nobody was an actor, wonnie. I could act like someone who could make Scouse.

True. But you could have like vegan Scouse. You know, these places open up where they just go burger and fries. We have fucking one burger, one fries. And that's it.

You open up a Scouse restaurant in London. Yeah, boutique scouse yeah boutique so it was ironic oh my god have you seen that scouse place no my uncle's actually from liverpool you've got to go to this place it's amazing i want a chip but he shot i've always wanted a chip or t-shirt yeah i would make with oven chips that'll be the real no no that's the thing you pick your bread your type of chips and your sauce oh my god it's like Subway except it's just all different like crinkle cut french fries

or like a toasty bread you can have 50-50 bread can I pick a match can I have mainly mainly normal chips like chunky but with a few accidental curlies and what are you having

as the bread whoa create your own yeah do whatever you want in my shop what bread are you having what kind of bread

so stodgy are you going to have a public toilet there because that's tiger bread Yeah. Do whatever you want in my shop. What bread do you have? What kind of bread? So stodgy. Are you going to have a public toilet there? Tiger bread. Sliced extra thick. What sauce? Curry. Heavy?

There you go. That genuinely sounded good. And every time you say that, get the fuck out! I reckon it's a fuck. I've just told that to the public. Don't steal it. But I think, because someone did suggest

and you won't get this reference initially Geoff but we can explain it someone has asked me Sam McGuire it was has asked me to start a side YouTube show

on the side of the Hathaway podcast called Draymond's Barbecue Restaurants where Draymond just cooks some barbecue food I do a character

sometimes Draymond no don't do a character. We've had a fellow on the podcast a couple of times who's from Texas. He starts white, ends black. That's it. Bit like he's cooking. Draymond, motherfucker, where the be?

So, we've got some have a words. We named the podcast that. We should do it, shouldn't we? We should probably do it. Probably do it. No one can hear the music apart from me and everyone else. Finish this off. The whole podcast. Now it's

just the final 10%. Get off my fucking buttons, you rat. Have a word. Hi, Draymond Green, Danilo Gallinari, Carl Maloney and Fintavious Caldwell Pope. Hope one of you get the basketball references. I did not. I need you to have a word with either me or my GF girlfriend.

I hate people taking up disabled bays and charging slots just because they're too lazy to walk a few steps or maybe they're so entitled that they think every Range Rover should come with VIP parking bays. If you've got a fancy car and you've earned it, fair play. But there's a particular Range Rover that always takes up charging bays at the gym. We go at 6 a.m., so it's hardly busy, and this cunt is parked there every time

while I've seen a Tesla sitting in a regular spot. I feel that if my keys were to accidentally get caught in this car's paint job, it would just be calmer, and if we managed to catch his reaction, that would just be the icing on the cake. She says, it's not my battle to fight, and it's criminal damage, but I think someone's got to do it there's no cameras watching this space and all the other cars are facing sideways so there's hardly any chance of getting caught by a dash cam

probably wouldn't touch the disabled bays because someone could have just forgot their badge and i've seen an absolute champ in a wheelchair in there before but unless they do wireless charging for cars now this guy has it coming keep my name out of your pod for obvious reason and if there are any lawyers listening we live in mozambique love the pod keep it up lids i'm an og patron and can't wait for the thank you show i think it's very difficult to feel sorry for anyone who goes to the gym at six o'clock in the morning in a place where the gym has charging bays and has patrons that drive Teslas and rain droppers.

That, for me, was also the moral dropout moment where he almost used it as an example. This is how bad it's got. Sometimes Teslas have to park in normal bays. We're like, fucking hell. Yeah. This is cancerous. It's very difficult to be like, do you know what, babe?

Yeah. Where are you meant to put your 2019 i like the amount of mental energy he's spent on on planning this as well yes he's just gone through it he's like you know it's not the fucking you know it's not the uh the bank job or it's not like the diamond heist at the millennium diamond you're gonna key it key it he's very articulate to us to be like can i get in his car he's cased out the joint there's loads of reasons why i should do it it's very middle class apart from the key in in it yeah yeah we go to the gym at 6 a.m we finish our smoothie and we go together there's teslas everywhere range rovers in the wrong bay it's an absolute nightmare so i fucking keyed it i

fucking hate people who can get up and go straight into exercise you know like i'd love to be able to be like right i'm starting my day with a run so i'll get up go for a run and then i'll crack on with my day i have to get up and meander through the first three hours of life before i can even think about going for a run sometimes just thinking about going for a run in my head is as good as going for a run oh gosh that was knackering mentally when the pandemic hit and we lost work and i didn't know we were gonna have any money from the like the podcast i ran so much like it was spring that beautiful bit of weather end of march april and the fear the deep-rooted anxiety of like how how am I going to pay this mortgage and feed my family? This was before any government help was coming through.

I didn't know you could pause your mortgage at this point. I just thought we were fucked. Oh, I jogged. I jogged through that exact first thing, just woke up like, oh my God, we're going to lose the house and just went running. But apart from that, yeah, morning running is a motherfucker. The good thing about morning exercise is the fry up you can have like the morally pure fry up if i'm saying a hotel i'd do this because

it's very easy just to get from the room a nice air-conditioned sort of ex of fitness room as they call it and just knowing i mean what what i exercise versus what i put in my body i mean it's like 20 minutes on the treadmill calories that's 8 rushes of bacon and 4 eggs there we go have you ever done that when you do like the Dubai trips overseas and stuff

it just I don't do the exercise you just go straight when I do the Dubai trips overseas in my head I'm on holiday yeah

other nights I just have to do a gig for a bit yeah do you know what I mean you're having pina coladas yeah yeah yeah like I'll have a beer

with me with me lunch and me breakfast and stuff. Yeah. I'm on holiday in Dubai. In your head, you're like, I'm in the Middle East. It's sweaty. I'm burning more calories

just through waddling around the fucking hotel. And the breakfast, the buffet at the hotels in, like, Dubai and Bahrain. Where did we go and do an army gig? Did we go and do... We went... We were in Cyprus together. We were in Cyprus, sporting our brave boys and girls overseas. Where did we go and do an army gig? Did we go and do, we were in Cyprus together. Cyprus,

sporting our brave boys and girls overseas, in Cyprus. It's for the troops. We, oh my God. You were such a lovely housemate for that week. Well, I was,

but I wondered if you remember this, right? Well, I did the most childish thing once. We decided to play cricket on the garage thing. And you were evidently a lot better at just hitting balls further than me. And it was pissing me off. So I sort of then said,

I said, what if we sort of have a structure whereby it's like a test match where, I don't know, technically you could bat out for a draw, right? So we did two innings each of this. We got all the rules here. So we're both in our 30s at this point. And then I basically blocked fucking ages, sun going down, and I batted out the overs. And I think Dan hadn't fully understood just how petty I was at this point.

And I was like, okay, I fold my bat up. I go, you know, shake hands. It was a draw. And we were both really cross with each other for like a couple of hours. So we got on. It was such a great trip. But I had to belatedly apologise. I think it's one of the most petty things I've ever done.

I've never had more respect for you or any other guest we've ever had on this show than that that is true i have totally forgotten that do you remember that yeah i remember in front of the there was like a garage you're whacking balls over i couldn't even get there but i'm shit i love cricket but i'm shit so i just thought i'm gonna just show like sort of not interested yeah not interested i was shouldering arms in a garage game of cricket just watching it go by waiting i was sort of stopping runs with an imaginary second batsman oh that's phenomenal just staying in a house while you were doing that was that was the ultimate like you were there for

a week yeah you pretty much do a gig every night i think we might have got a day or two off we did you had some right into you were working quite hard that time we weren't on it all the time but you're in a villa with a mate the weather was delightful you got per diems so you just got money thrown at you and then at like five o'clock every day you'd be like oh cunt we're not on holiday are we there's a reason you're here and then they'd like georgina would turn up in a car like are you ready and be like oh i don't want to be ready ruined it i know the actual work ruined what had been a cracking holiday but we benefited from war basically yeah i mean indirectly we had a right touch with that yeah and there was this weird situation where a lot of comedians you know be keeping an eye on news peace talks in afghanistan they'd be like fucking yeah that's quite a nice game i actually had a yeah apparently

we're pulling troops out of afghanistan you don't want to do it too quick do you know what i mean and everyone like quietly going iran's a problem though isn't it yeah we should probably think about iran at some point and then when they're in syria and then we go it's mainly an air thing and then you're like oh but they'll be taking off from Cyprus you're going

well look you know that it's commutable in a way I mean those gigs were I'll say they could be tough

with the truce but fuck me if you had a good gig with that they were so nice and so appreciated because they were just they were decompression gigs

right so these lads and mainly blokes that were coming back they'd done like six months and and they just had one day in cyprus to decompress from the government which is like fucking what's that gonna do um but they did find it beneficial and then you did the show in the evening and they would have music because we don't normally work with musicians do we no and musicians were always sound and that was fun however there were some epic stories of when like if you did a gig for the paras um like they didn't fuck about like the marines were one thing but the paras were

something else and there was a couple of comics where the paras had agreed beforehand it's like 250 regiments strong of like right no one laughs at the comedian or even responds to anything and if they do they have to pay for the bar or not and just imagine dying that way where just no one will respond to you or so that so the paras were the absolute extreme that i never i never got any powers but the the stories people retell like oh you're doing the decompression gigs oh you're going cyprus oh yeah did you hear about the powers someone said this and they got a dick in their ear like it was that bad and i got the first night you you i've been doing stand-up 10 years at this point when i did the first one totally can handle it got there i was like oh god oh this is nervy and my first night was nearly all medics it was all just a

load of middle and there was loads of beautiful women no one's been boozing for six months they've been in the sun they just look amazing And they were just like so friendly. And I was like, this is easy. This is absolutely easy. The next night was all just like army and they were fuming. And then there'd be the other weird one where they put it in the cinema truck

and they'd be like, it's like the six people. So it was like feast or famine. It was either mental or- You did really well that night. But I remember like just the sort of sense of aggression in the room. And i mean the stories particularly when they could just drink as much as they want there was a story of one comic that was on stage and every once in a while this used to be the case if a comic couldn't control a room or get their attention

they would just take all their clothes off right so this comic did that and then a bunch of army guys they're like all right and then they all did it too. You just sit there, 250 penises in front of you. You've gone, okay, I think I'm out of my playbook now. That's, that's, oh yeah.

And just having to walk on stage. You can't go back into the stage, can you? You can't, also you can't, when, when you hear naked bar from the Marines or whatever,

and they all come running down naked. Yes. You can't, there's no, you can't do banter like what because if it was normal you'd be like why has this guy got his dick out

but everyone in the room's like yeah because they've called Naked Bar that's why they've got their dick out so as a comic you're powerless you have to just be like there's nothing you can do

that's funny they were windmilling behind me and this guy had an absolute specimen and I was like that is genuinely not far of a helicopter and there was John Barryman

and there was a guy next to him with a small dick who was doing an attempted and it was like that is genuinely not far of a helicopter and there was a john barryman and there was a guy next to him with a small dick who was doing an attempted and it was just a small dick handheld fan yeah just flapping from side to side just twatting off each thigh but he was like i'm doing it as well as i bless him good on you but you can't go what the fuck because everyone's like well it's because it's naked bar why are you obviously they're naked i mean these stories are this is the thing about comedy we're just going yeah they called naked bar in a very casual way i mean that is there's something about what happened there that i think if like a very a much younger millennial gen said is

listening to that we'll think are these like with their war stories from 20 years ago this was in the recent past i think i should say this wasn't like that fucking long ago you know yeah we used to have like um they used to have like uh dancing girls as well the show is fucking great it was great and i know and and but the girls that did those dancing shows now that was a different time that was a different time but the girls did those shows one had to be great dancing but also they were really resilient first up they're like yeah i want to go to a war zone they were just really confident and stuff like that they were great to work with but what happened inevitably was people would say well where we know where's the male eye candy right and fair enough you know there were some female uh soldiers and stuff there so they got they got in this like uh break dancer lad to come out

and do like b-boy moves and stuff but apparently it was just really even for the women who'd asked for it it was really weird because he'd come out all oiled up and he's like and he's like doing women's on his ba-da, right, he's bought the whole show and he's like doing whimmers on his back with all this oil flying off of him and going, alright,

I think I see why it's mainly female dancers now, that's just a strange thing to happen in the desert. Yeah, I thought I had a tough gig. Yeah. One more,

should we do one more, have a word? Do one more. Mates have got new girlfriends. Hi, I could really do with some expert advice, my two best mates both got girlfriends during lockdown.

We're all 18 and this is their first relationship for both of them. So I was happy for them at first. However, now that the pubs are back open, their true colors are starting to show. He's so annoyed. It's harder to arrange a night out now. And whenever we go out,

it will almost always end with one of them storming off over the slightest problem to go and cry in a car park. would never have happened before the only thing that's changed in both of their lives is the addition of a significant other i've always seen this trend in behavior with some of my less close friends do i call them out or will they eventually pull themselves together as this is their first relationship for both of them since i've never had a girlfriend i don't think i'm qualified to comment on their behavior so could you have a word with my mates or could you have a word maybe even with me keep up the good work and that's from anonymous 18 years old there's bitches on the fair scale friend especially like if the other one's never had a girlfriend i'm gonna just go

out on a wild limb and say that these might be quite three three quite shy lads do you know what i mean i love the way that he held back that detail from the end there basically at the end there he said i don't really have a position to judge here because he's never had a girlfriend he could possibly say all this and also the way that he said oh now they're showing their true colors what they want to have sex you know that's quite a reasonable color a true color to show i think that what he's saying is the girls are being a bit sort of you're not going out you're spending time with me when they are out the girls are doing the typical sort of I don't know I don't know I don't think he's real that didn't seem to me like he was laying the blame on the girlfriends that seemed like he was

going these two now they've got girlfriends are being fannies yeah yeah I mean you know he's and he's and he's right to hold them accountable for their behavior i think one of the things when you when you see him i remember that when you was young he's about 18 your first mate was really into a girl i always remember that hilarious moment when they turn up at the pub and she'd styled him that was a brilliant moment do you remember like how what the fuck do you smell off exactly like he's wearing his imiaki he's wearing like a turtleneck and stuff and like you can tell by the way by the way he comes in the pub he knows it ain't him he knows it's not who he is and then everyone's like you've been styled haven't you

and then they get weirdly defensive going no shut up allison's got a really great eye for that and you're like sorry you're like great eye who the fuck are you now usually words like great eye is such a and it always used to sit around you know in my era it was for some reason turtlenecks yeah it's that kind of thing i think women not you know you've jumped off the back of a book yeah and just a lot of a lot of products and a lot of swish and a lot of yeah and the and the honest answer is not that allison's got a good eye it's that i like having sex and she keeps having sex with me yeah i've done this because i want to keep having sex with her because i like boobies that's basically it i know i think these chinos look

all right there's nothing wrong with white denim there's everything wrong with white denim do you ever have a a girlfriend style yeah i know i didn't have a girlfriend style me but i was one of the first to girlfriend when my lads my mates were like i was like i don't care like that is wrong with your friends oh just the sort of like 18 year old lad the thing is this will happen through all of your life when you're single and you've got a mate that's single, you're basically enablers, aren't you? You're like, do you want to go?

Yeah, of course. And then the problem is someone might meet someone. And the way to be a good egg is not to just fire off your single mate as soon as you meet someone. But this shit will happen from now and gradually increasing just the seriousness of the relationship the amount of mates that have got girlfriends as you get to 21 to 25 and when you crack 30 so many people you've just got to adapt yeah your annual night out of your mates and it's not so it doesn't

happen with women i mean i think girls would report that they're probably better at keeping up contact but then they'll often they'll often get into what the bloke's into and i've seen this happen with my female friends where they'll be sitting with their mates and they're going like oh the football's on and then their friends have been on the fucking football's on she's never been in a football and then and it's a lovely thing right they're getting into what the fella's into but they can get just as absorbed that's because they want to be in every part of your life they've got no interest in football. They've just got interest in being, no, we do everything together. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like the best way to plan a revolution is from within. Take over the institutions of state and slowly change it. But then you get to that point as well. Like I'm 44 now and I've got a kid. And then what happens is women start to read. And my wife has never like, like,

like stopped me doing any of that stuff, but they start to feel, they start to be like really trying to get you out of the house and stuff like that she she got me into um because i've been around loads and my 15 years marriage before that i wasn't around loads so she's like why don't you play cricket so she picked the sport that got me out of the house the most and i was like oh i can't really do a saturday's tour a sport that takes three days she meant like she meant like test matches like in antigua i think and she she was like do training and she was absolutely right like the moment I did it was just something else to think about but

when when the pandemic first started and lockdown started I said to her because I didn't miss stand-up at first weirdly and I said I don't miss it that much babe and like her face is like what she was really fucking terrified and I suddenly thought oh yeah I always thought like me being away was for me but it was also it was also for her oh yeah when laura realized she couldn't just watch anything she wanted five nights of the week she was like oh god i can't even my time i can't even keep up with the kardashians anymore i think it's dead important in a comics relationship to have a missus who enjoys and doesn't mind that alone time. Gotcha. The really,

truly needy ones. They might last five years, but eventually they'll be like, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, absolutely. I love it. I wouldn't have it. I want a man who's home

at 6.15 every day. Yeah. My wife's still really amused by me just going on an absolute bender. You know what I mean? She thinks it's like, she doesn't think it's cool, but like, the other was i was having a drink i forgot to i forgot to tell her that i was on my way home i just came home didn't text or anything like that but the next

day she was like you didn't text me but she looks sort of semi-amused by it she's like oh he's still got it try that five times in a row and see how that'll go i mean oh you didn't text but you notice what i called a bender dan was one night out Where I actually I actually made the last train as well It's a fucking great night lads I'm really enjoying it anyway Yeah The 10.45 is about to leave If you're 18

And your mates are hooking up And you feel a little bit left behind You're 18 And just You won't have to wait that long Until like Just fuck me off like it's not gonna be forever is it chances are at 18 it's not that you've not lost them for good yeah just they'll be back there's a chance that like i'm not saying he is we don't know what he looks like

but he could be a bit dweeby and maybe the girls haven't gotten near him yet but i'm telling you come 18 19 girls get desperate too and someone will fuck you yeah well that is that is no no I'm completely the barrel will empty out you'll be

with other dregs yeah they enjoy no it happens I think I think with women certainly as they get

to a certain age remember like Brexit negotiations yeah where suddenly compromises started getting made yeah and that's when once they get to a a point where they would go all right fuck yeah fish whatever i don't give a fuck yeah it needs to happen time's ticking yeah financial equivalence

fucking let's just let's just do a deal here yeah and so you don't know it's worth it's worth hanging on in there but there's a there's one cliche about like men and women i find increasingly women often say it's all right for a bloke isn't it in relationships whereby he could if he splits up he can just he can just hook up with a nice young woman and i was thinking do you know how young women look at like blokes like me now i think it's one of the biggest cliches about men and women is that men can just get back in the game with a hot young woman i'm like fuck that they just look through me in the same way oh yeah that it happens the other way but i just don't fucking moan about it you're a dad i'm a dad that's how they're supposed to look at me yeah if i was the only

way i could get with like a 21 year old woman is if i was super famous or super wealthy average bloke is is exactly the same as it is for women yeah what the things you do well shouldn't be a weird 21 year old that looked to me and went oh oh my God, he's, he keeps a lovely lawn. You know? And also if a 21 year old did feel that way about you, you go, all right, loves it.

Everything been all right. And they just give her the name of a counselor and just to say, look, I know some great people. There's some brilliant medication out there. Just take the first step. I'm going foreign. If I post divorce.

Yeah. How far is that down? Mr. Dan Welsh Mr. Dan. Welsh. Welsh. Yeah, yeah. Would you actually go foreign? You've got more chance with a foreigner

because you want to be the exotic guy. He got on grass. You can't be exotic in Britain, so you're going to have to go somewhere else. Vietnam. Vietnam? Yep. You'd be very magical in Vietnamietnam i think yeah yeah yeah shiny

he a hacker bright face he got a laptop i've taken that too far i know i've taken it too far i just looked in the eyes of some of my much respected colleagues and everyone was like really done it feels like this has been quite a considered one. I think if I wanted to be a delicacy, I would go. Why are you looking at me

like that? I just saw you as a big pudding then. Yeah, I think like, you've got to go somewhere where you're just so different

from everyone around. Right. So it's not Albania. No. Albania. I was thinking like Morocco. No. Not that different.

Not that different. Oh, you are not. You're Moroccan hairy. Look at you. He could be a bit Moroccan, couldn't he? You'd have to go like African, wouldn't you?

Yeah, but Morocco is Africa. No, like, I mean... I mean... You mean African, African. Downmore. Downmore. Yeah. Downmore.

Where's that? Get a map up, do it yourself. Downmore. Actually, no, upmore. Downmore. Murph control gig there. Lovely. Yeah, but I can't go to, like, Iceland, can I?

Do you know what I mean? Why? You don't look Icelandic in any possible way. No, but like Iceland, can I? Do you know what I mean? Why? You don't look Icelandic in any possible way. No, but like I'm... Do you know what I mean? What? I'm just like

a fatter, darker version of what they've already got. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You look more Moroccan than you do Icelandic. Yeah. I don't...

I'd struggle to think. Yeah! You don't look Nordic in any fucking way and you do your eyebrows look at least 60 muslim i don't know where i could i i find it difficult to go somewhere and be exotic exotic i oh yeah i don't know where yeah you've got a little bit like if you you know like a bit greek or well there's... My mum, who was a... I can always say orphan.

She weren't an orphan. Her mum gave up her care. But there was a side of her family that we never knew. But I think one of her relatives was from Gozo. Where's Gozo? I forgot. I thought Ghostbusters then. There's a place called Gozo, isn't there?

An island off Malta. I don't know. I don't know. But I am thinking of that, I'm like, I'm thinking about Ghostbusters right now. I'm a half Gozerian. You're from the Ghostbusters. Yeah, I'm half Gozerian.

I don't just concrete and realize. It's an island in the Mediterranean Sea. There you go, there you go. So I've got a bit of that going on. He's a fucking Gozo. They speak Maltese, so yeah, Malta. They, there you go, so I got, you know. The Malteser. Exactly, you know, I could, I could put, Ita they there you go so i got you know a malteser

exactly you know i could i could i say that like i often thought you know i reckon if i go to spain italy and all that they might go well he's one of our own it's not really happened i think that there's englishness is so much more powerful than just having a slightly darker you know i mean just this whatever this is Antarctica Antarctica again to meet to meet a wife you're going to Antarctica

he's going to fuck a penguin I think when we're fucking penguins it's usually in and around the end of the episode isn't it when we get to penguin fucking you know we're wrapping up that is a BBC free format though.

Scouser finds a wife in Antarctica. What? It's Monday and Adam is at Liverpool airport. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to find out there, but I love fishing. Oh God. Jeff, thanks so much for coming coming on where can we find you you can find the book where did i go right how left lost me you can get it on amazon uh you can get it on waterstones and the thing is i'll say this genuinely if your thing is i don't want to have a book that's politically

indoctrinated it's not like that a lot of it is my base i had two mental parents so quite a bit of it is stories like that and and and you know my base i had two mental parents so quite a bit of it is stories like that and and and you know i grew up you know in council states and one thing about this country is that if that happens to you you've probably got a relatively similar experience of life you know i didn't eat an olive till i was 25 and i don't think that that is i mean that's not like a whole chapter that sounds like a shit book Doesn't it The first time I tried an olive Was in a Carluccio's But yeah

If people are interested By the political Dimension of it And you know I could have gone all wanky It went a bit like Child line at the end Let's get our kid

With a massive check Yeah It's tricky I didn't have an olive Till I was 25 Buy the book I like olives now That was the worst Fucking salesman I had two mental parents Didn't eat olive till I was 25 buy the book I like olives now that was the worst

fucking sentence I had two mental parents didn't eat olives till I was 25 please buy it please buy the fucking book two parents and social media

what are you social media Jeff Norcott trying to do Instagram so shit at Instagram it's worth following just to see how a middle aged

straight bloke how bad he can be at Instagram. I posted a video the other day, fucking banging content of one of my dog's OCDs. So there's more content like that on his way. All right, like it. Is that us?

Have we got anything to do? Yeah, we've got a big announcement for the Patreon coming up, haven't we? Which is exciting. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. It's going to be our biggest Patreon bonus thing ever have a word pod. It's going to be our biggest Patreon bonus thing ever, I think that.

It's going to be mental. That's exciting. Sign up. Follow me on all socials at Dan Has A Podcast. I'm Adam Rowe Comedian on both Instagram and TikTok and Adam Rowe Comedy on Twitter.

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