Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #122 with Dane Baptiste - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 31, 2021

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Now then, lids, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favorite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. It's a really good read Is it? Yeah What is it? It's called How to not break Your £lb Air Conditioning Unit oh is it the aircon manual?

I'm struggling to get into it Jesus Christ it's like a novel yeah and we haven't read any of it and turn the fucker on you know he's got ADHD

and I lean on it a bit because he's got bad ADHD I've defo got a bit of ADHD and Carl and have none of us are details people and we just stuck the air con on what's the um what's the source of air that we're using to chill this air con unit that we've got comes with a big air bottle pipe thing yeah and the only page of that we've read is the page that says make sure this goes out of a window yeah we can't do a window.

Can't do a window. Doesn't work, logistically. Sound, not willing to compromise. Nope. So where's that pipe currently? We've hid it behind a curtain. No, but where is the pipe heading to? I mean, it's still in the room, really.

It's just slightly behind a curtain. It's in the corridor, isn't it? But yeah, there's double doors. Yeah, but yeah. And then the corridor. Yeah curtain it's in the corridor isn't it but yeah there's double doors but yeah and then the corridor yeah it's in the corridor

you know the science block where they're trying to like cure Ebola and AIDS and bum all flu and stuff we don't know any of that we're just guessing we've seen scientists

and gone probably really excited probably not but now we're probably going to be pumping cold Ebola sniff it up boys I think I just got

Ice cold malaria Oh and it's nice As long as I'm cool I couldn't give a fuck Yeah Can you get Slightly chilly airborne aids Aids

What What What That's not bad What They can't say what, can they? What? What?

What? What? What did I say? I said Ed's wrong. That's closer. What? It's a scouser. No, it's what?

What? In the middle. What? What? What's up? Try and do it. Remember that from the advert. That was great.

You know the way you do my voice when you're like, I will fuck you in the arsehole with my little penis. When you do my voice. Jimmy in you then, though. Say what? So just talk to me a sec

as in your scouts. Oh, yeah, no problem. Yeah, I'm doing it. I don't know why I'm doing it. Sam Avery? I'm doing the fat controller. Thomas was a naughty little cunt. Two minutes, 20.

Demon attached. Sheers. Go on, talk to me. I will talk to you. In what? In a Scouse accent. Yeah, so, which one? What?

No. It's like Bulgarian. What? Borat. What? Fuck a lad. Lad. I have to For a lad. Lad. I have to start with lad.

Yeah. So for those non-scouts who are listening, wondering whether we've all had the same stroke this morning, the other day, me and Carl were talking about something, and I went, what? And Carl was like, what? And I went, what? What? What is this?

So Carl can't do a Scouse what? Dan can't do a Scouse what Dan can't do a scouse what so we're trying to get him there so let's right repeat after me Michael Jordan

was a basketball player Michael Jordan was a fucking basketball player lad Michael Owen is a gobshite

who played for Real Madrid and Man United Michael Owen is a boring fucking gobshite that played for Real Madrid

Manchester United, and fucking Newcastle. Lad. Ice skating is for gimps. Ice skating is for fucking gimps, lad. What? What? What is this?

You're like Chandler who can't smile. I think it is the airborne AIDS. It's in the air. J'ai ma pelle. J'ai ma pelle. Faut du flou. What? Joey Barton in Marseille.

How you say? Wait. Joey, how has it been in Marseille? It is really really really good I like playing in midfield and punching children and women in the face allegedly

never saw that that was a different one just want to let you know I haven't had any breakfast and I've had two energy drinks so I'm feeling a little bit weird we've seen Joey Barton a couple of weeks ago? I haven't had any breakfast and I've had two energy drinks. So I'm feeling a little bit weird. We've seen Joey Barton a couple of weeks ago. He was on the table next to us in Salt Dug Slims.

And he looked at me at one point. And I went, listen, lad, I'll fucking punch you in your entire family's head. And if you don't look away now, he looked away. But did you say that in the look or did you actually say it out loud? I said it out loud. He said, listen, Joey, fucking look at me. Because he looked away after like five seconds. Sorry, it's getting back.

And Joey Barton, famously diminutive character, heard that, saw that people had seen it, and then went, oh God, fucking hell. Why that? Just turned away. One of us made twins. And he went, fucking hell, he bagged me. How'd he fucking start?

I'm wearing bags in here. If you didn't quite hear what Adam said then, he said it so weirdly quiet and just far enough away from the mic that it sounded really sinister, like, I don't know, he bagged me. I don't know, fucker. What?

Joey Barton went, What? Dawson Barton. Yeah, he was there. Looks old, doesn't he do you notice that when we see him yeah but he's one of

them men who got two years younger than me he's gone he's gone grey well though which is what I want to do I think I was talking to my

barber the other day and I was like you know because recently we've spoke about the fact some of our mates losing their hair some of our mates

their hair's going not in a good way either yeah not in a zidane not in a not even in a dan nightingale i've decided i'm losing my hair so i'm committing to it and making it look like a decision stuff like just in a sort of i'll just comb it over oh yeah and i'll make like i've got half as much hair as i need and if I spread that out, people think I've still got my hair. Everybody knowing. Everybody knowing.

There's a guy in Manchester when I started comedy that had this thing that was like, I think was all his hair, but it was just like, I think like PVC glue, hairspray, and it had just like been plasticed onto his fucking bonce. And everyone just ignored it because it was just so bad. You couldn't be like, what's that?

What is that? It looked like it needed peeling off. I'm like, you need to burn that. It's mad that Gandhi quote in it. As I was saying that, I realised how ridiculous it was going to sound. But I think it's Gandhi. It might be the dalai lama i often do get them confused yeah yeah once in a live isn't it yeah poor because the dalai lama

different people in the dalai lama is like james bond in it yeah when one of them is done they just yeah yeah like the dalai lama isn't like it's like the pope it's not it's not the pope no it's not d lama yeah yeah mr d mr dave lama mr d lama won nepal yeah yeah it's the dalai lama it's like you know yeah he's like he's the james bond of that world he's the dalai lama is the james bond of that world what is that world what does Dalai Lama talk about I just know it's not here

Buddhism and Nepal and Buddhism yeah just like like mountain Buddhists oh right so he sits on an hill basically they're good ones

and everyone just pretends that he's important right essentially yeah that's about right I think that's basically Buddhism is like

ah that's bad innit why don't you have a sit down and i think our thinking's hard isn't it just clear that out your head then just have a sit down just chill out think about nothing will that solve the world's problems yeah if everyone does it i can just play his fifa instead think about not and i'll just play fifa either gandhi or madonna one of those three. Or Madonna, yeah. Said something like, It was the James Bond of music one. He said, Mad, innit? Yeah.

Problem. Mad, da. Said, what? He said, it's mad, innit? Man spends... Man spends... Man like London man. Or man like...

Man spends fucking time doing shit to his hair, man. Is that the Dalai Lama? Fam. London man. Fam. These road men fucking rolling up with their fucking weird bonce. Man needs to accept them shiny status, isn't it? Spends his whole life getting haircuts.

And then he's like, fucking hell, I've lost my hair. It's like, well, don't fucking cut it off then. I'm paraphrasing. Yeah. I don't know what you are. I think you might be adding words to it because it seemed meaty. Yeah. He's really bothered about haircuts that die like lava.

I don't know if he's bald, isn't he? No, but it's meant to be philosophical, isn't it? It shows how stupid man is. Because man. Man. Man is stupid, yeah. stupid man is stupid isn't it like we we do cut our hair off don't we and then we're like fuming and it's not growing anymore you should save our hair and we should say i'm getting me hairs cut you mean save it just on your head like the seeks just put it in a bag and then when you start going bald just just on your head like the Sikhs

just put it in a bag and then when you start going bald just gluing it back yeah doing what my man did

all them years ago still doing it man loves that man yeah I was talking to my barber and I was like I'm a few metres going bald

and I'm starting to panic about it and he went honestly I should be fine he said you're gonna go grey and he said I reckon you're gonna go grey like

40ish genuinely having been through it can I have a look can I have a look yeah right He said, you're going to go grey. And he said, I reckon you're going to go grey like 40-ish. Genuinely, having been through it, can I have a look? Can I have a look? Yeah. Right. These are the giveaway areas. What should I use here?

These are the giveaway areas. Strength. That is strong. Oh! Strong. Yeah, let me have, turn around. You're fine, kid. You're all right.

You're doing all right. These of us are going bald, Adam. Yeah. We're nearly 30. No, you're all right you're doing all right we're nearly 30 no you're all right i'm finn's gonna just be like some strong fucking hell yeah i want to be like george lamb me i was thinking more like philip scoffield to be honest with you yeah he's had his time and then come out as gay yeah first thing i thought of with philip scoffield scoffield scoffield um like george lamb he's a good looking kid isn't he who's george lamb tv presenter yeah First thing I thought of with Philip Schofield. Schofield? Schofield. Like George Lamb. He's a good looking kid, isn't he?

Who's George Lamb? TV presenter? Wayne Lineker. Just goes out Ibiza and just starts jizzing. Gary Lineker! Fucking hell. Allegedly. Sorry for stepping all over your jizz bit there, Adam.

Stupidly thought you'd done with the old Lineker references, but no. Gary Lineker looks good, doesn't he? Yeah. You know? Handsome chap, Gary Lineker. And he's gone the old Lineker references, but no. Gary Lineker looks good, doesn't he? Yeah. You know? Handsome chap, Gary Lineker. And he's gone the old Silver Fox way. Obviously, George Clooney.

Oh, George Lamb, that's him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'll be able to pull that off as well because you've got a bit of wavy thin hair, haven't you? Yeah, mum. My hair's dead thick. I can't do that. Yeah, I think you'll go more Claudio Ranieri. Double up up I would

Honestly If Claudio Ranieri If was on cameo I am the king Right now I am the king Right now I need you to check

If Claudio Ranieri's On fucking cameo Because I want Claudio Ranieri to go What Come on cameo So stupid Come on cameo I want Claudio Ranieri to go, what? Come on, cameo. So stupid.

Come on, cameo. Come on, Claudio. I am ready. It's nearly the end of the month. Patreon money's coming in. Let's fucking waste some of it. Oh, Claudio Ranieri. That's what Claudio ranieri.

No, it's right. He's not on it. Aw. It's not a surprise. It really is. Simon bin Laden. I've seen him. He's not on it Aww It's not a surprise It really is Osama Bin Laden I've seen him He's on there Osama Bin Laden Is he on Cameo

That'd be a big giveaway Wouldn't it That he was still alive All his advisors like Osama Everyone thinks you're dead Don't go on Cameo He's like

But lad What There's so much money in it And they'd be like Osama why are you Japanese I don't know It's because I'm hiding It's because I'm hiding

Well known Japanese trait No one can see you When you're talking in Japanese Oh my god There are snake fellas on there I'm hiding Like most Japanese people do Imagine getting

An impersonation Of someone who's not the person. Oh my God, Gilbert Gottfried's on cameo from 131 Pounds. He's the parrot from Aladdin. Why are you excited by that? Because Aladdin's the best. 131 quid? You don't even know what his face looks like? Bahrainian nights.

Yeah, the most expensive comics. Bahrainian days rich james 750 quid fuck he's taking the piss rich james he's taking the piss you better be right put adam on cameo right now that was 375 that's too much chrissy d chrissy d we like wasting money but not that much the most expensive is dc young fly right we need to set adam up on cameo i just do them for free i'm a man of the people do you know i mean if it's your birthday which the most expensive is DC Young Fly. Right, we need to set Adam up on Cameo. I just do them for free. I'm a man of the people, do you know what I mean? If it's your birthday and you want me to say hello,

then just message me and I'll say hello. Know what I mean? But you're not having both of us because I'm busy reading air conditioning unit manuals. What did you just say on a public episode, motherfucker? Everybody got a birthday. Well, here's the thing. Here's why I don't do Cameo's the thing here's why i don't do cameo right here's why i don't do cameo carl right you ready yeah because first of all i don't

like charging for something like that because it takes like 10 seconds and secondly if i forget or i can't be arsed which are both possible then if you haven't paid i can just tell you to fuck off good message adam if you've got a birthday coming up just tell you to fuck off. Good. Message Adam if you've got a birthday coming up and if he's not in the mood or if he's going two seconds, two seconds, two seconds, or if I'm pestering about advertisers, he will tell you to fuck off

in a text message form. And that's your birthday treat. There's two levels. Maybe I'll set up on Cameo. I'll get like the lads here to set me up on Cameo, right? And I'll charge 200 quid and if you give me 200 quid i'll defo do it but like if you just message me then i'll probably do it

anyway hey holler i was a circuit i'm a circuit comedian i haven't done a tour yet if you give me 200 quid i'll come and do a gig at your house that's how that'll go it will be fucking way more awkward than a cameo when i turn up like you're right i'm i will work for fucking cash in hand most expensive soccer player is oh, it's Avram Grant. Who's paying 750 quid for Avram Grant? Avram Grant.

Roger Miller, that's quite sick. Avram. Roger Miller. Roger Miller. Avram. George Eno's expensive. Viv Anderson. Wasn't he the first

black English player in England International? I don't know if he was. I think that's a sort of that's a QI thing that, you know. I'm pretty think that's a sort of that's a QI thing that you know I'm pretty sure that's a QI Roberto Carlos

from 150 quid cheap first Black England International yeah for Vanderson oh

I was thinking of cricketers I actually was as well I always think of that. I always get the mixed up cricket and football. Roberto Carlos is cheap. Mohamed Sissoko. Mo, mo. Mo, mo, mo, mo.

Michael, oh. Dan, can you? I'd rather go and give 135 quid to one of these fucking dull cunt scientists out here. Can we get Michael Owen to do a message for someone's daughter and call her his little bunny rabbit? Because he ran a rabbit over,

didn't he, and tweeted about it. If we can get him on Cameo going, happy birthday to my little bunny rabbit. John Aldridge, just go the fucking

elephant and moulting. It's so sinister if you think about it. Just go the elephant and moulting, he's there all the time. John Aldridge, 75 quid.

Or, buy us a pint of me local boozer. Rene Higuita and Valderrama, no, they're sickzer Rene Higuita and Valderrama no they're sick Rene Higuita the fucking famous

goalkeeper right we're setting up on cameo you wanna set up on cameo I will set up for 25 quid 25 quid

don't give a fuck for both of us or just for you listen you don't you're gonna have to charge more man 25 quid for you

25 quid for me or 3 grand for both of us that works that's not bad though that works that's what we're going to have to charge more, mate. £25 for you, £25 for me, or £3,000 for both of us. That works. That's not bad, though. That works. And you get producer's corner as well. We'll say anything. We'll say anything.

How much for you, Carl? Money? Yeah. Fiver. How much for you, Finn, for a cameo from you? More than that. I thought you went £1. That was one of the most depressing things ever.

Finn should probably be the most expensive because it's rare that he speaks. Do you know what I mean? You could go through the hours of footage a podcast that me and Dan have done, and if you spent the time, you could edit a birthday message together. Hello, Lisa.

Happy birthday. Heart would be off mine. Do you know what I mean? But you can't do that With Finn He's more of a premium Very difficult to edit Together from him

At least a hundred Yeah That's enough Give the mic back to Carl now Finn Let's keep that price Well past your fucking Episode quota Can you do dick pic ones

What Only fans Only fans yeah Shut up Cameo for your birthday With a dick pic Yeah I don't think There's a website for that I might charge more for that You reckon Only fans, yeah. Shut up, then. Cameo for your birthday with a dick pic. Yeah.

I don't think there's a website for that. I might charge more for that. Lad, it's my daughter's birthday. Can you send a dick pic? I might. This is my little bunny rabbit. That's what I call my dick. Is it? It's white and fluffy.

I don't know what I'm saying. I should have had breakfast. I should have had breakfast. Is the gin in that bottle? I knew I should have had breakfast. Of Rum Grand. Airborne Oods. Would you send a dick pic?

Would Laura let you send a dick pic if the price was high enough? Like, if we had a Patreon listening to Get In Touch, right? £10 Patreon. And they're like, look, I just want to see Dan's dick. You've mentioned it so much I want to see it fully erect Can you send me a pic Name your price

At what point do you think Laura would go Just send it 200 quid She don't give a fuck She would let me send 10 dick pics If she could just have 3 hours in bed Minus my dick She doesn't care

Where it goes. I do. I don't want my little fucking... He's... I've retired. He's out of the game. He's retired. Would you let Laura send pictures

if it wasn't her face? What? So, like, say, like, people want, like, foot pictures of her or, like... Oh, yeah! Bumhole? That's a...

Foot to bumhole is quite... I always feel like we could have worked up like at the minute like what about sending feet pics

yeah I'd be into that bummo bummo gaping bummo who asks bummo pictures can I have a bummo pic

erm I'm not saying well it's on your menu innit if you're on OnlyFans can you do can you do request stuff like yeah I think you're on OnlyFans, can you do request stuff? Yeah.

I think you can, but OnlyFans is generally just like... Hi, I've sent some pictures out today. Yeah, it's not like sent out, though. It's just like an Instagram feed, but for tits. It's Patreon? Yeah. But for tits and videos. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then I'm sure with OnlyFans, they will do private pics. If you're like... Yeah, there's premium stuff. Hey, if you're selling pictures, I'm sure you can do like VIP. There're like yeah there's premium stuff hey if you're selling pictures i'm sure you can do like vi there's like a vip package whether like feet or bum all vi pussy 10 pound 10 pound a toe 10 pound a toe one grand for my game yeah yeah feet or bum all i i like would you like would you like some how much for your bum all adam no i don't want me gail's friends bum all being on the internet Yeah, a fetal bumhole. Would you love Sam?

How much for your bumhole, Adam? No, I don't want my girl friend's bumhole being on the internet. I don't mean bumhole. I mean, like, if someone gives you socks, and I give you 50 quid. I'm not as arsed about that. I'm not arsed at all. Do you know what I mean?

Because they're the loser, not me. I've got money. Why are you... Give him the mic. It me. I've got money. Why are you... Give him the mic. It was when I was in uni. Some guy messaged me on Snapchat and was like, how much for some pictures of your feet? And I don't care.

So I got about 70 quid. Finn. Yeah, hello. Can we just slow down just for one second? What? You've worked here? Yeah. For over six months. I have, yeah. And for one second you've worked here yeah for over six months i have yeah and this is when you've brought this up i didn't know when it was appropriate this seems like the perfect conversation you know when it was started your second episode first episode

you find your feet no pun intended second episode second episode you should have been like, lads, got a story to open with you. What are you talking about? You're a man. You're a sex worker. Yeah. You're a slut. No, hey, he's a sex worker. Let's not shame.

Let's not kink shame. I'm not shaming him. I did do. I'm not saying it's bad to be a slut. I'm saying he is a slut. He did bummer. I did. Fuck off.

Fucking hell, Finn. Absolutely. Bantz over here this is why we should let him talk more no we're keeping the price high right yeah

so what do you mean this is a little teaser mate keeping the price high everything's for fucking sale we own him by the way we own his intellectual property rights

so he'll get £4 per cameo and the other £96 comes to the podcast right right now let's do an advert we need to create revenue.

How much for your big, white, half Welsh, half Turkish feet? My feet? Well, the air con just went up like it was getting warm in here. The air con just went, God, it's getting a bit hot and spicy in here. How much do people need to whip together for you to send them pictures of your feet? You got 70 quid last time.

It was like for a few pictures of my feet. It was in shoes as well, some of them. I don't know what this guy was into. He was like, send me some pictures in your shoes. I put a picture of me new shoes on my Instagram story last night. You don't know what people were doing with that. Oh, people are doing cum tributes to your fucking shoes. They can wank over my shoes if they want.

I don't mind. It's the same as the cameo thing. If you want a picture of my feet, you put them all I will want a picture of my feet, me bumhole I will charge for, but me feet, you can have them for free. They're not that nice.

They go off at an angle. They're hairy. I don't clip me toes that often. I don't know what you're getting out of it, really. But if you want them, you can have them. He's not definitely replying, but I love it how Adam's like,

you can have anything. You can have anything. Pictures of me bumhole, pictures of me feet. I'm fine. Love it. You're very open with this stuff. Me bumhole as well. do you know what I mean

no yeah because there's not many people who've seen it it's not like they're going to put it on the internet and people are going to be like that's Adam Rodak

no you need to save something for the live shows okay bumhole pictures are only available as merch after live shows signed signed bumhole Adam I love the pods

can I have a picture with your bumhole you're going to have to get down lad Signed, mumbo. Adam, I love the pods. Can I have a picture with you, bumbo? You're going to have to get down, lad. People crouch in, and their mum's taking the picture, and they've got a mask on. We'll get either like a table or maybe like a hammock for me to sit in

with me bumbo. If I just bend over the hammock and just... Go, Ed. Tell you right now, we're going to need a new intern to carry around your bumhole hammock In it We're also going to need planning permission

To attach it to the ceiling at every show Yeah You're going to have to go back to B&Q And get some more of those things Can't wait Can't wait I'll get the planning permission What's it for?

I don't know, it's bumhole Yeah Do you know like When you do pitches after the show, often you'd have to, like, talk to people, and you're like, hi, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's great, and I like meeting people. But, like, it takes a bit of time, do you know what I mean? I reckon it'll just be easier if I'm just there at my bum all hours

and people just queue up and they're like... No, we get a merch table. We get a merch table, and we just bend you over it. Yeah. You have to... I'll be high enough. They're going to have to go low. Otherwise, you know when you know when you like a fireman lift where you put someone over your shoulder carl's a big lad look i don't want to be a diva but if i don't get me bum all hammer i'm not doing

it i think he needs to be head height i've always known that about you he needs to be head height and a bum all hammer make them do the work he's getting his bum all out yeah but it's all about the money how much do you want a picture of adam his bum all out yeah but it's all about the money how much do you want a picture of adam's bum hole you're fucking lazy you lot why am i so dehydrated because it's like 400 degrees in this room yeah it is since finn started talking about his sexy sex worker feet well the only other person we've had in here it was admitted to sell and stuff like that is steph and it's quite funny because step Steph messaged me this morning and we need to have a word with one of our listeners

and I just say that was a dovetail absolutely this watching him progress as a broadcaster fucking hell that's like

that's like one of the youth set up kids coming through and getting his first England cap shut that fucking aircon off turn that off

good god I knocked the hoover over Finn with your big, sexy, fucking slut feet. £25, DM me. I'll take pictures from here. Yeah, so Steph Johnson messaged me today and said, I've got a little update for you on here.

Stop abusing Finn. Shut up, Janet. On here. £30 for you. So, a while back, a little time After Steph did her

First appearance On the couch Or no The second appearance Sorry Can you get the bus It's very precarious It's time for

Sorry You're only supposed To blow up The plane it does Time for Steph Johnson To come back eh End of The Italian job

There's a bus Hanging off a cliff. Yeah, yeah. That's the reference. Finn got it. I did get it. Is that meant to be Michael Caine now? It was just shit.

Niche. That was good. It was niche. You got it, and you just looked at me like I'm a cunt. Nice one. That was the joke. You're only supposed to blow off the bladed doors.

I'm not going to name this guy, but I'm assuming he's a regular listener. Could be a girl. No, it's not a man. Oh, it's not. It's it's obviously a man wait i'm just trying to keep it or uncle um so he messaged steph hey steph i think you're gorgeous would love to take you out nice and she's ah thanks i'm not dating at the moment and he said i didn't think he'd reply just been watching you on adam's podcast oh Ooh. Right, right, right, right. Now I'm offended.

Yeah. You fucking horrible cunt. She said, then you'll know why I'm not dating. So it must have been just after the second appearance where she talked about Rudy. So if you haven't seen that episode, go back to the bonus episode with Steph Johnson. It's her second appearance on the couch.

Steph Johnson bonus episode. She told us all about this catfishing cheating cunt guy thing. You'll really enjoy it. It was explosive. So that was that was on five days later.

I don't want to say exactly when it was. Five days later he messaged Steph again and said, hey Steph how's it going andy is smashing it isn't he now i don't know who andy is and she put he is and this guy replied uh text me with his number be nice to be pals you seem a good laugh what's up me i'm not a weirdo could go for a walk and a coffee as pals. Nice. And she said, no, you're all right, but thanks.

And he said, how's your night been? Now, that's where the conversation ends. Is this on Instagram? This is on Instagram DM. This is the chat of Tinder, isn't it? That's Tinder-based, like. Yeah. Now, the problem with it is two hours ago today, this guy uploaded a picture

of him and his heavily pregnant wife. Oh dear. And if you go back like at the time in November and August there's pictures of him with said lady. Cha!

Cha! Now. Cha! Cha! Cha! Is you're going to do this to the woman you love who's going to Cha! Cha! Now. Cha! Cha! Cha! I'm stepping in nothing, mate. Is you're going to do this to the woman you love who's about to shit out your kid, right?

Technical term. It's just a bit stupid to do it so blatantly, isn't it? To have it written down in black and white whilst there's pictures of your missus tagged. Like, he's very lucky because I spoke to Steph and said, tell her. And Steph said, I'm done with telling women after what happened with Rudy. Because Rudy's, spoiler alert, Rudy's missus stayed with him. She's like, and I ended up looking like the gobshite.

So I'm not doing it anymore. Because she'll just stay with him. And she's heavily pregnant. And it could cause problems with the pregnancy due to stress and stuff like that um that's a great shout so i'm not gonna tell her but fuck me how stupid have you got to be he knows who he is now doesn't he watching this yeah you know who you are but that's proper like uh self-destruction in it because he knows it's so easy for all that to come out it's fucking slimy but it's not even like clever slimy where you're like some guys are just perma shaggers aren't they they're like

they cannot stop trying to shag and like me but to do it to steph johnson who is vociferously anti-slime ball like all her chat regarding the opposite sex online is basically like, men are really scummy sometimes, aren't they? Some of the douchebags that message me to be like, yeah, I've seen that, but I've got to shoot my shot. I've got to shoot my shot. No, I'm not coming to an appointment. Go to your own appointments.

I've got to shoot my shot. Like, not Steph. Not at all, ideally. You've had a stinker lad damn what if he knows just playing devil's advocate what if he knows

the baby's not his the baby's not his he's got evidence maybe we're slagging this lad off but he already knows yeah that someone else has cummed in his missus

it's Leroy's and that's yeah well cool if you want to represent the fucking pedo in the courtroom, you can, but... Is that a well-known phrase?

It's well-known. It's a very American phrase. Someone's got a pedo in the courtroom. So I thought I'd bring it over here. Someone's got to represent someone's going to give counsel

to the pedo no you don't want to be on this like I know you're playing devil's advocate but he's

it's not good is it what if right what if she was like we won't have a baby I don't want a baby and like

I'll be on the pill and she's trapped them? Does happen. Does. We'll just leave her then. What if she's like, threatening to kill his entire family if he leaves? Yeah.

Does happen. Yeah, it does happen. I'd try and fuck Steph Johnson then. Yeah. And now I'm starting to see it from your point of view. And that's how pedos get off. Because of fucking mega minds. It's not.

It's just a hypothetical, isn't it? I'm sure we've sort of touched on this before. If you were a lawyer, could you morally represent someone you knew was guilty? Well, that's justice, isn't it? Real justice means someone's got to have legal counsel and someone's to convict them honestly

they have to be represented fairly so at some point you're like this guy's murdered five people but if he doesn't have representation he can't be proved guilty properly so you have a like a moral not zealously but fairly and

literally the oath you sign is zealous zealously represent your client to the best of your ability wow do you think you could do that so someone's like listen lads right let's let's just get them off on a technical i'm like yeah mate listen. I've killed 17 people. Yeah. No reason. Just went mad. Yeah. Got a bit out of hand one day. I'd had four Sambucas and two pints of Carlin. Yeah.

Oh, fuck no. And I just went off on one. You're my lawyer. Right. How have I got the gig? What? How have I got the gig? You should lawyer.

Right, is that how that works? Yeah. Just kill 17 people and ring 0800 Fucking stupid lawyer You owe my dad a favour So he's gone Oh shit Well I wouldn't represent you But your dad's sound

Yeah exactly He's done some wallpapering for me So Fucking You know You scratch my back I scratch yours Yeah exactly

Yeah So my dad is Sometime you gotta represent The pedo in the car room Fact My dad is My dad's threatened you, basically, and said,

I will fucking tear that wallpaper down if you don't represent myself. Wow. And you're like, fuck. That sounds like a big threat, but it's also quite pedantic. I will tear that wallpaper down. Yeah.

You're looking at your wallpaper one day, and you're like, do you know what? There's no one in the world who can wallpaper this well. Like Mick Rowe. Yeah. Don't want to piss Mick Rowe off. He's a really nice bloke and dead friendly.

So I'm going to... But he can turn. I'm going to represent his son. Could you do it? Could you call like someone's crying like he fucking killed me nan and you'd be like

you didn't, you haven't got a nan. You've never had a nan have you? You're lying. Could you do it? Could you zealously represent a serial killer? I mean, it's probably a bit like gigging in Hull, isn't it? No.

You know, when you're like, as a circuit comic, there are gigs you want to do and there's places you want to be. And there's sometimes where you're like, oh, God, it's 140 quid on a Wednesday. I don't feel like this is going to be a one-day trial. No, but like, in every job, you have to play the game a little bit. Like, the fucking top class.

In law, in being a solicitor, in being a lawyer, I'm sure there's like, you know, like TV credits levels. They don't have to do these gigs. Because people who kill 17 people usually aren't wealthy are they it's state um i'm a billionaire in this oh you're you oh yeah i'm a billionaire so there's a billionaire which kills 17 people because he had two guns so i can name my price hourly rate yeah i can be like it's a grand an hour yeah yeah I'm in I'm alright I'll be alright yeah

and you can even if so if you obviously you lose and you still have to pay me yeah it's called a retainer nice one

I think I could for the sake of justice I could swallow my pride could you and zealously what for what if I was like

like throughout the whole thing while like the prosecution's giving evidence I just keep going to see if you get me off I'm gonna do it again and who knows who's next yeah

how did you make your billions by the way murder boy like just out of interest in this hypothetical you're clearly like an absolute psycho who's killed 17 people I won the euro millions

and then went to the casino and put all of it on Black 11 and it came in fuck me wow you are one lucky cunt I can't believe

you didn't get away with any of those 17 murders won the Euro millions took the whole lot went down to Euro HQ in fucking Brussels

got me money came back went down the Mecca or whatever casino swatted it on Black well don't have the leo casino on the dock leo casino on the dock 350 million on 11. could you imagine the the 23 year old who's just got his like gambling license to be at the table like i'm gonna have to speak to

my supervisor no your supervisor 147 million on black black 11 black 11 yeah my favorite number right so that's how i got me billions yeah i don't know sounds like sounds like a bag of shite but i think it's part of the deal with being a lawyer i think you've just got to fucking i think you've got to do it i mean i ideally do it on a retainer but yeah you're not going to feel good about it are you or are you just going to are you going to go I can't do it

this guy's an absolute psycho well if you don't represent me I'll kill you but then it's just mistrial so someone else has to do it so if it's a threat to life you can then tell the police yeah and I was glad

I didn't threaten him yeah I went against this new trial this is getting more convoluted the murder trial I just keep threatening people and saying I didn't the murder trial This is getting More convoluted The murder trial I just keep threatening people

And saying I didn't The murder trial I get delayed forever And I've got enough money To be out on bail And I just keep killing people I think they'd refuse bail Beating the system

If you kept threatening lawyers Beating the system But in the eyes of the law I'm innocent until proven guilty You can't prove I've threatened any lawyers I'll say it under my breath So even if you've got a recorder

It wouldn't Like even if you've got a recorder it wouldn't like even if that mic was there you've won yeah have you seen the Lincoln lawyer Dan is that with

Matthew McConaughey similar though isn't it like the the battle between that's my Matthew McConaughey impression that's how he speaks isn't it

liar yeah I'm a liar why is there an S on the other end that's an impression sausages can you say

is Matthew McConaughey the pedo in the courtroom is this is this his new film can you say Steven Jed McConaughey The pedo in the courtroom Is this Is this his new film Can you say Steven Gerrard Sizzled some sausages Steven Gerrard

Sizzled some sausages Us Matthew McConaughey It's quite a good McConaughey Imagine if he did that In the Wolf of Wall Street If Scorsese was like Right we're going to do this scene

in the restaurant this morning we've got a young Leo DiCaprio ready? Ah Oh Oh

Cut! Matt! Don't do that last bit you were doing that well also you're weirdly thin because of Dallas Buyers Club, but could you not do that? It worked out quite well that he did Dallas Buyers Club

at the same time as Wolf of Wall Street, though, didn't it? Because in Dallas Buyers Club, he had AIDS, which makes you skinny, and in Wolf of Wall Street, he's a coke addict, which makes you skinny. No, he looked terrible in Wolf of Wall Street. You could tell it was a small part. He was having to cut so much weight

because of Dallas Byers he looks ill in Wolf of Wall Street like I don't like ideally you shouldn't ever be thinking he's thin because of the film

yeah no but like he could have just been a coke addict yeah that's true I mean he was having cocaine and whatever Tom Collins for breakfast

exactly so and he was wanking. Oh. Three times a day. Those are rookie numbers. No, twice a day, innit? At least twice a day.

Shall we have a break? Shall we go to the canteen and get some cocaine? I'm going to need you to bring me one of these every five minutes. I've been told. Yeah. Stay with this fucking visor on. I'm going to need you to bring me a ham and panini at a five-minute interval. Ham and panini.

I can't speak, man. I've got to have breakfast. Can I have some ham and a panini? I'll make it myself. Ham and panini. Hello, I'm Matthew McConaughey Cherry Pepsi Max Who's that?

Matthew McConaughey Is Matthew McConaughey Here with the McConaughey McConaughey McConaughey No he's not Is that based on him though?

Because he's got a little Hello Chris Yeah Get over here You muscly little paper boy Chris I'm calling a break Hello, Chris. Yeah. Get over here, you muscly little paper boy. Chris. I'm calling a break because it's gone.

We heard. See you shortly. What's happening, guys? It's Adam here, and I'm here to tell you yet again that this podcast, Have A Word, is supported and brought to you by Manscaped, the world's best male grooming products, especially for that below-the-belt grooming. And they've got some big news.

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Go ahead. Shave your balls. Stop them stanking. Finn's going to sneak out, remember? He's going to pick up today's guest Mr. Dane O'Bethy Who's not Australian No, he's not How do you know? What?

How do you know? What, have I assumed his nationality? You have, yeah Yep You don't even know where I'm from I've got an inkling No, you know where i say i'm from oh yeah have you ever done any like um i would never assume your gender no what am i a pig by the way just so you know yeah a fucking man i'm pan gender oh yeah what's that mean none of your

fucking business sh Shag's pans. That's pansexual. Is it? I think I'm a pan. What? Have you ever done any ancestry stuff? Yeah. Have you? They were all pangender as well.

Have you though? Have you done any ancestry stuff? Yeah. I'm genuinely South African. Now, Ra was a South African name R-O-W-A It's not though is it

No it's not There's no South African names It is What do you mean Jonah It's a fucking If you're a white South African No

You're not like You said I'm white Indigenous You said I'm white Am I assuming you're Race now That's really Where's Ro from

South Africa no it's not it's a silly fucker do you know what Ireland it's Irish yeah but it's an Anglo Irish so like

I remember arguing with someone online because I made a joke about Irish people and he was like fucking typical English cunt like we hate you all I was like mate

I'm Scouse and my surname's Roe it's Irish and he was like fucking typical English cunt like we hate you all I was like mate I'm Scouse and me surname's Ro it's Irish and he was like well actually that's an oppressive Irish name like that's only an Irish name

because of the Anglo blah blah blah and I was like oh shut up me nan was Irish so I'll fucking fight your whole family yeah but she was oppressed

what's she though I don't know nightingale's English isn't it how did she do in South Africa what what nightingale's's English isn't it how did she do in South Africa what Nightingale's solid English isn't it I think it's French

is it I mean if you take it Nightingale take it way back I think the surname Nightingale's from the Norman Conquest wow

doesn't sound right no it doesn't sound right but it's what if you read up about it sick we were the singers in the

Norman Conquest Regler is Jewish Nazi in a like combination quite a but it's what, if you read up about it. Sick. We were the singers in the, uh, Regal is Jewish, Nazi, and a, like, combination. It's quite a, um,

I don't know, they don't really go together, do they? As a, mature dude. Didn't you still? It isn't Jewish, or Nazi, which isn't

a region of the world either. He's Jewish. He has no idea. Look, I love it when he's like, I've said things. He literally just throws weird hand grenades into a conversation like a jewish german nazi and then just looks at us like go on talk do you know where my name's from my Your second name. Austria. Father fucking Dougal. I'm South African.

I'm the biggest Austrian since David Alaba. Arnautovic. Hitler. I was going with Hitler. Oh. Hitler was Austrian. I know. South Africa. I got caught perving

By Laura yesterday On Laura No On it Mate You're not getting caught Perving on your wife You can't if she's like

Fucking shaving her bum hole And you're like Poking around the roller Yeah but like We're married I say like I like that shiny bum hole She's like

That bum hole You're dead I know that bum hole man I don't creep around Perving on my wife I'm like Sister you got a great ass shiny bum hole. She's like, that bum hole, you're dead. I know that bum hole, man. I don't creep around perving at my wife. I'm like, sister, you got a great ass.

Shave it. I was on Instagram. My shirt, you know, is it for you? It's for you, yeah. Press the little

magnifying glass. Instagram's got me pegged as a dirty dog. Well, you like pictures of ladies and boobs.'m like i do privately and i'd and obviously been just aimlessly like wow i've checked instagram checked all the you know seen my feed i'll have a look at some international tits so i'd had been and then i'd clicked off and i was just sat next to her. Must have been 10 minutes before I'd been on Instagram, but you've not closed down Instagram.

It's just you've closed down the window. So I did my little, I just checked the Gmail and my phone was out and I checked the Twitter and then pressed on Instagram, big old melons and yellow lingerie. And my thumb, it was like, you know in cartoons or in like in a film when people go,

shit. Like my thumb did that. My thumb just went, oh, shit, shit, shit. Like did a,

oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. Laura absolutely pissed it. She thought it was funny. Thank fuck. She was like,

that was the guiltiest thumb I've ever seen. Like, oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.

I've started lovely reaction doing a bit about the on the iPhone Safari the the web browser there's like

four squares that grass up your favourite websites right so every now and then one of them will be Pornhub even though I don't

really go on it oh on Chrome as well yeah yeah you know you want it we'll make it easy but like I'll clear the square because

although everyone knows we all watch a bit of Pound every now and then Pound that's a South African pronunciation I love Pound it is really good I like cricket

a little bit of racism and Pound, it is really good. I like cricket, a little bit of racism, and pound. Racism. Racism. So we all watch a bit of pornography. Pound. Pound. Poundographer. So now.

I'll clear the square. And the other day, Sam went to me, have you just cleared your porn up square? And I went, yeah. She went, why? And I went, I just don't like it being there. She was like, but I'm the only one who can see it. And I was like, yeah, but like, I want to be in a green room or something or whatever. Gentlemen, it's private terms. She was like,? And I went I just don't like it being there She was like But I'm the only one who can see it And I was like Yeah but like I want to be in a green room

Or something or whatever Gentlemen It's private terms She was like I don't want to be bothered That's fine That's good Good sign

Good sign Keep the red flag where it is Yeah Good sign Why is everyone obsessed With that idea of like I can't believe you Look at that

Just believe You fucking child It's just what goes on innit Believe your child Tell me What are you looking at that just believe your fucking child it's just what goes on innit believe your child tell me what are you looking at nothing I believe you

you're my child Kieran says hey guys big fan of the podcast believe your child weird isn't it fucking out yeah so strange says you know it's like representing a pedo in a courtroom right none of this makes sense it's been another weird one the patron episode was mental as well kieran says hey guys big fan of the podcast i work for a company called Inspire Adventures who organise travel experiences for content creators,

surfers, yoga instructors and sex workers. That's you, Finn. I think you guys could run a great UK Three Peaks challenge for a charity with your audience obviously paying to join and fundraise. Would love to know your thoughts.

He's even done a little branding for us and I'll tell you what you can tell he works in the industry, Kieran. He's called Have a Word, Do the Three Peaks. And he's put that in quotation marks. What are the three peaks? It's the three big mountains in the UK, innit? So that's Movama,

Snowdon, Millio. I was going to say Millio. Look at that, mate. Bam. Right. Millio's by arse quite a steep road just before I tell Kieran to fuck right off explain exactly

what a peak challenge because this is what it sounds like climbing three mountains in one day running from one hill to another hill and another hill

with some stopovers in some fucking Ben Nevis scaffold peak at Pikes Valley and Snowdon 23 miles in three stages with an ascent of 3,000 metres.

Yeah, you do three mountains in three days. Right. You don't want to do it? You go from... No, you do it in a day. No. Yeah, 24 hours. You can't do three mountains in three days.

No one's ever done it. It can't be done. It's in our day. Three mountains in one day. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You said three days. How'd you get from Ben Nevis to Snowdon? Drive, yeah. Like, that's what I'm saying. You said three days. How did you get from Ben Nevis to Snowdon? Drive, yeah.

Like, it's quite a common thing. It's not like it's, like, a nine-man. Just talk me through. Why am I being thick? Talk me through it. Right, so. You drive to Snowdon. So you do Snowdon first in Wales.

So how long does that take? A couple of hours, yeah. A couple of hours? I don't like walking up old streets to get back to my parked car. It is a little bit uphill, isn't it? I hate Bold Street. Listen, Kieran, I see what you're doing, but you're going to have to change the challenge.

Like, if you're in a department store and one of the escalators is not working, we'll do that challenge. Dan, you can do the three beak challenge. The three beak challenge. Try three different types of beak in one day. Right, cool. I'm in, all of a sudden.

And then I'll do fucking Ben Nevis and Snowden on my dick. But yeah, you do Snowden, then you drive to Scaffold Pike in England, and then you go to Ben Nevis in Scotland. In a day. In a day. How long do the three peaks take? It takes about 24 hours. Boll day. In a day. How long do the three peaks take? It takes about 24 hours.

So. Bollocks. Not happening. 13 hours hill walking and 11 hours driving. Why would anyone want to do that? When do you sleep? You don't. That's fucking stupid.

Or in the car. Who's driving then? Hire a driver. Finn. Hire a driver. You can tell the patrons do well. Hire a driver. Yo.ire a driver You can tell the patrons do well Hire a driver You

Dive into all these mountains And while you're here Get out of the car And I'll ride you Piggyback style Up this fucking hill Here's your fucking money It looked like Finn

Got really upset with the podcast And was like You know what, no I'm done now Too far I don't like jokes about Snowden. It's our spiritual home, innit? That's how Finn talks.

Would you not do it now? See you, Finn. Bye, Finn. Talk to yourself. I don't think any of us, including you, are in the physical condition to do it. Well, I reckon we could get there. Six weeks. Six weeks. Imagine how disappointing that would be for all the podcast fans are like these guys

honestly adam and dan the chemistry they've got i listen to every episode i'm a massive patron oh it's fucking amazing how unfunny they think we were on the second mountain when it was pissing down the first drive they'd be like yeah they're not as quite as witty when they're having asthma attacks halfway up a hill i think it would be good for us to do something like that though i'd love us to do tough mudder i love that we should do tough mudder together that'd be great i went for a jog the other night and lasted 25 minutes and needed a poo and had to go home so i don't think although tough mud is good because you could just do a little you can do whatever you want you can have

a poo in the mud and be like there you go yeah do a little you can do whatever you want you can have a poo in the mud and be like there you go yeah yeah Tough Mud for me is when I'm having a shit when I'm on go with

I don't even think that's the first time he's done that joke on the podcast it felt familiar I was like either I am in your fucking poo base man

yeah Kieran can we do a one can we do a one peak challenge i'll do that we'll climb why don't we i've got an idea to make the three peak one a bit easier right so we all take a skateboard so we don't have to walk down it right so we'll walk up it and then we get to the top and it's more fun in it walking down just as hard because it's properly impact on your knees and that yeah get to the top and then it's more fun, innit? Walking down's just as hard because it's properly impact on your knees and that, innit?

Just get on a skateboard and just... How is your skateboarding? Because mine's not good on a flat pavement. No, we're not going to stand up. We sit on the skateboard. Oh.

Fucking idiot. Sorry. You're going to sit on a skateboard. Or a sled. A sled? It actually makes more sense. I think there is a flat bit of snow.

Snowden is essentially a big slide yeah snowden's always got snow on it there's a fellow at the top it goes go on there's like a green light wait go on go and you just go into the car park yeah seems good kieran we're into it to do a physical challenge though with us because we're not good at it and it'd be funny why don't we have a royal rumble a fight but there's many former guests as possible all right for charity yeah so it's gone from let's do three peaks to all Let's just have a fight. Yeah.

I think if I had to climb and drive two mountains, I have to climb them and then drive, I'd probably want to fight you. So, we could just, two birds with one stone there. Make good content though.

I'll try and twat you on the top of fucking Ben Nevis. Ben Nevis is the biggest one as well. Oh God. And it's the last one. Yeah. Yeah. Do you do Ben Nevis last?

Yeah, you do. So Noden, which is the middle one first then Scaffold Pike and then Ben Nevis apparently where's Scaffold Pike England where

erm England like Carl like Carl had never visited it's a place called England it's in Europe Scaffold Pike

in England it's in the lakes oh right of course it is quite nice the lakes I love the lakes yeah quite nice the lakes. Oh, right. Of course it is. Quite nice, the lakes. I love the lakes. Yeah.

Quite nice, the lakes. Shouting out. All right, Lids. Seen Adam on Thursday last week and he was great. Just wanted to apologise for saying Kobe. I think I started some ginger kid off who was sat next to me. Have a good day, Lids. I've seen that email, yeah.

We talked about this on the Patreon, just gone. People coming to gigs and just shouting catchphrases from the podcast is quite off-putting for both the comic, i.e. me or Dan, and the entire audience. Don't do it. Please. And it's Jarl Real now, so at least keep up with the fucking trend. If you would like to see me and Adam live,

we're doing something called Preston Live at the Guild Hall in Preston on June the 26th Saturday June the 26th I'll give you the link Carl to WAP in the description on YouTube I'm going to do me joke me new joke

yeah, the Tough Mudder you closing with it? yeah yeah get ready for that one it's been a pleasure to be here the Tough Mudder yeah you closing with it yeah yeah get ready for that one Tough Mudder is like like it's been a pleasure

to be here what but close on the old Tough Mudder joke few people know it Colby roll up

hey when are we going to announce the special special are we going to announce this Monday the 7th of June

special when are we going to announce that some people have the 7th of June special. Mm-hmm. When are we going to announce that? Some people have been shouting it in the comments. Some people have... Should we just tell them? You didn't need to say the date. That's the date we're doing it,

not the date it's being released. Yeah, I know, yeah, but I needed to know that Carl was talking about the same thing I'm talking about. You could have just made a noise. There is no other special. I love it. Should we announce the special?

The Monday the 7th of June special. So on Monday the 7th of June, we're recording, and it won't be out until a few weeks after that. I think it's coming out on the 20th of June Pedro so on Monday the 7th of June we're recording it won't be out until a few weeks after that I think it's coming out on like the 20th or something like that we're doing extra content

for June something we've never done before we're going with Barry Dodds to a haunted house and we're going to stay there all night we're going to record

a live podcast in there and then we're also going to video us walking around smashing ghosts heads in if a ghost tries to scare the shit out of me I

swear to god I'm gonna batter it what you know what I mean with a hoover yeah with a hoover

get your fucking Henry out so yeah we're recording a live podcast that's gonna be exclusive for patreon.com

slash have a word pod and it'll come out the Friday the week after that. Yeah, probably. Like 10 days or something, isn't it? Yes. I'm a non-believer, but I'm also pooing myself. Yeah.

Because I'm going to be scared of something I don't believe in. Don't do my head in. You're going to be shitting yourself as well, aren't you? Yeah, I think so. I think, I don't, I can be a bit jumpy But then I I can Like if I don't believe In the afterlife What am I doing

It's in that environment But I am jumping Like as you're saying it I'm like All of the My brain is going Yeah but when you're dead You're dead

And I don't believe in anything But then Yeah I think It will get me a little bit The thing is Like a ghost Has never killed anyone Has it

Like there's never been In the news Man killed by a ghost So what are we actually scared of I mean legally It's a ghost Like I'd be like Come on What Ghost has never killed anyone, has he? Like, there's never been in the news man killed by ghost. So what are we actually scared of? I mean, legally, I don't... If the ghost's like, I'd be like, come on, what? What are you going to do?

What? What a raggy scouse way of dealing with poltergeist. Lad, you fucking see through? Wah. Wah. I'd be like wah it's ghosts

no I reckon we're all gonna be shitting ourselves because I'll be fine I reckon by the end of it I might actually be mates with the ghosts

I might be saying to the ghosts Carl's in there go and punch him in the head or something you know what I mean I don't know

they've got like physical yeah they're not real they're not real they're not real that's point number one innit we're gonna do a podcast

from a haunted house and Adam thinks the guest is a ghost imagine imagine how famous we would be right

if we're sat around recording a podcast and a ghost just comes in like what's happening? Fucking love the pod. Can I be on it? Can I be on it? Imagine if we got a ghost guest on the podcast.

It'd be like... I mean, imagine. It'd be amazing. It'd be the biggest thing that's ever happened in history, probably. Would you rather? Would you rather come back to life physical form or pass on to the next realm do better than you damn you fucking dick

what scouse ghost What? Sons Welsh What? Are we staying over? I died doing the three peaks challenge Are we staying over? We can do

Dan can't Or he's saying he can't I don't want to No one wants to I don't want to stay I don't Nah I think we'll

Why don't you want to stay? We'll have a little ghost hunt It'd be funny going to bed though Wouldn't it? I don't want to stay I don't nah I think we'll we'll have a little ghost hunt it'd be funny going to bed though wouldn't it again it's like I think we might be

batting off more than we can chew here like where would we go to sleep in the house yeah there's beds right that sounds

fucking grim yeah sounds absolutely grim are we staying over i think we should do yeah yeah i'm going here i am more scared of my tired tired wife when i get back from the fucking ghost love love don't let patron content she'll be fucking scary never mind imagine if you were in bed right and then you just woke up and next to you like was a ghost who just wasn't trying to scare you just like

my bed this yeah just go back kid don't worry about it shhh yeah it's alright lad I won't be able to go on kid

because you're there I think ghost I'll be more scared than you why yeah totally why because one of us

is going to get up in the night and just like punch one of us in the face or something I don't think any of us in all seriousness are going to have the bottle to get out of bed once we're in it

until the sunlight yeah I might bring a big I'm going to bring one of these lights I'll bring me haunted of a pillbox I'll dig them out and we'll read ghost stories

all night why? because that'd be funny I've done shit in my life are you terrified? I'm literally we'll read ghost stories all night. Why? Because that'd be funny. I've done shit in my book. Are you terrified? I'm literally... I just don't know what to think about this. I think Adam all night would be way worse

than any sort of, like, spirit or ghost. I love how you think ghosts are going to be like, right, what are you doing? How shit every ghost film would be if, like, ghosts just turned up in a haunted film and they were like, carry on. I like what you've done with the place. I don't think they're going to be like that.

They're usually scary, aren't they? That's the whole thing. They're trapped in a realm. It's possible that we might be sat around listening to the podcast and then he might be like, do you know what? Dan's my favourite or Adam's my favourite and maybe he'll come up to he might be like, do you know what? Like Dan's my favourite or Adam's my favourite

and maybe he'll come up to me and be like, really liked what you did before. No one's ever done that in here before. Like, do you want me to like scare your mate and that?

I've got hours until I'm meant to do anything else. Right. What's he doing? What's he doing? Ghost stuff. Ghost stuff. That's how they end up.

Ghost stuff. Yeah. I'll look forward to that. It sounds... What I always think with ghosts, right, is even like the ones that are meant to be real. I don't mean in films. You know the ones where like people have said,

I've seen a ghost. They've got like ghost clothes on. Yeah. So the clothes are ghosts as well there, aren't they? No. What do you mean? Like people be like, I've seen a woman in a Victorian dress Walking down the corridor

Oh they love a Victorian ghost don't they? But why is Why have the clothes got a spirit? Surely she should be walking around with her tits out If she's a ghost Do you know what I mean? That'd be better as well Can you imagine if you said get your tits out To a Victorian ghost

Get your fucking whaps out of No but like What I mean is The ghost should just be Walking around Bummel Fanny Tits

Dicks And whatever else Do you know what I mean? Yeah Jeff we're going to see a ghost bummel You mean your clothes Can't pass on to the afterlife Yeah

Yeah The clothes haven't got a spirit Have they? And are you a ghost In the clothes you died in the afterlife yeah yeah the clothes haven't got a spirit have they and are you a ghost in the clothes you died in great point isn't it are you a ghost in the clothes changing everything i believe about ghosts are you a ghost in the clothes you died in clothes you were buried in your favorite outfit yeah can you change can you change no no no no you can't change right you can You can't be like, mate, I'm a ghost, but it's Sunday afternoon. I need to chill.

Get the tracky bees on. Yeah. No, you've got to pick. I think it's what you died in, isn't it? It's what you died in. That's the classic, within the sort of genre of ghosts

and ghost films and everything. What you died in is usually what- What would you want to die in then? Yeah. Dressing gown? No, you'd always have a draft. You'd want to die in a suit, surely. Because then you'd always dress to...

You're not going to look daft. Why? Best to be overdressed and underdressed. What, for your ghost job interview? Ghost court appearance. Your ghost court appearance? Yeah. Representing a ghost pedo?

Yeah. I know. What would I want to die in? What you wear, will always wear. I've never seen you wear anything different. You always wear the same stuff.

You could, Carl, Carl is constantly dressed. Like if someone goes, do you want to kick about? No, he'd be like, nice one,

I'm ready. Like, he's permanently in some form of football training stuff yeah it's because it's dead comfy because i don't want to wear jeans but i don't have to you can't see me legs why the fuck would i wear jeans i could have my cock out here you wouldn't know about it oh yeah in that first lockdown denim was locked away as well it's fucking horrific the first time i put

jeans on and i was like oh i know it's great that we're like restrictions are lifting but fuck me shorts I did a gig in shorts in town yeah I think Liverpool has to a certain extent or the most places okay

yeah Harry Robinson's asked for some advice go erm long distance relationships okay he says sapning lids wanted to get your take on something that was touched on slightly long distance relationships.

Okay. He says, sapning lids. Wanted to get your take on something that was touched on slightly in the Nigel Ng episode when he was talking about his marriage. As you actually mentioned in that episode, I'm off to Oklahoma.

Oh, easy. Oklahoma. I'm off to Oklahoma in August. The sooner state. In August to study for a year. It's all incredibly exciting exciting and if you need an extra cameraman for when you trek from skim to jilly beans gaff i'll work for free but the one big negative is that i'm leaving behind my girlfriend whilst i'm having a belter of a time

in cowboy country something i can't help feel guilty about i just wanted to ask as you both mentioned how hard it is to balance traveling for comedy and a relationship what do you make of long distance relationships have you ever been put into a similar position because of work and if so how did you manage it all the best from harry the goat robo he's not signed off i hate to be so blunt with our lord and savior harry but one of you are going to fuck someone so you might as well call it before you go and go look it's going to be too hard like I don't know

any long distance relationship certainly from young people going off to uni and stuff that survived I don't know of one depends on how long they've been together it's totally

I think it's you went to Japan together didn't you we went together yeah but I think if we you've been together Japan together, didn't you? We went together, yeah. But I think if we went... You've been together eight years at the point when you went away. Yeah, I think if we went separately,

we wouldn't have broke up. No. I think you're naive. But in your late 20s, in your late 20s, when you've already been together eight years... That's what I mean. Why would you throw that away for a year?

When you're planning... I think it's about where the relationship is. You can easily go, oh, young people, it don't matter. But at that age, I was in relationships where, at the time, I was convinced I was in love. Actually being separated might have actually meant that we stayed together for that time

and then split up a couple of months after being back. But at the time when you're super in love, you're so committed, aren't you? It's hard to say, oh, just because you're young, fuck, you're going to try and shag everything. No,'s not that's not what i'm saying i don't think he's gonna i don't think anyone sets out like oh i'll do long distance and i'm gonna try and shag everything i think they're both gonna feel this is my opinion on long distance relationships is both people end up yearning for a closeness or a a partner and you can't rip it takes a lot of effort and commitment

to maintain it so if you feel like you've got that if you feel like you can trust your partner a thousand percent and you know that you're not going to do anything you know that she's not going to do anything then fair enough give it a go but i think and i don't want to be speaking out of turn again i don't want to upset one of our you know our biggest listeners I think if you're writing that question in and asking

oh what do you think do you think they wear you already know that it doesn't are you going to marry this girl like his Harry Robbins is about 23

he seems like a super smart guy he's old like he's mature for his age relatively I mean listen to this bollocks so he can't be that mature but if in your head

you were you were where Carl is with Serica, like she's the one, I'm marrying her, then you can do it. But if there is, like Adam's saying, if there's a bit of doubt, and I don't mean to be disrespectful to your missus, and I'm sure she's sound, and even if you're like quite happy,

just go and bang some American birds. He's from Wigan. Oklahoma might be one of the few places in the world where you can turn up going you're right i'm from wigan they're but oh my god i'm so fucking moist you sound like the fuck you sound like hugh grant immediately as well i'm from fucking wigan oh my god get me a map Yeah Customs You're right I'm from Wigan Oh my god you don't need paperwork I just want to nosh you off in an airport

Absence makes the heart grow fonder though Absence makes the eyes go Wondered as well Weirdly creepy I don't want you to whisper it again My brilliant rhyme What did you say You say absence makes the heart grow fonder weirdly creepy I don't want you to whisper it again my brilliant rhyme Carl we're not pushing over

what did you say you say absence makes the heart grow fonder I said absence can make your eyes go wonder right

or make your hair go blonder you're on particularly special form Mr. Rowe half angler sized Rowe it's weird when he whispered it

you can't this is one of those instances where not having the headphones makes it difficult because Carl's just like absence makes the heart grow fonder absence makes you look like jane fonder absinthe makes everyone look fucking great um i just listen you don't want to be the

old guy going did you fuck everything but just take that win you You're from Wigan, and some birds are going to think, God, you sound sexy. When's that ever going to fucking happen? Go and bang some Oklahoma University. I don't think it's as fun as that to leave your partner. Do it for me. I just think if there's any doubt in you, you don't want to end up cheating on someone

You care about and hurting them So you might as well have the difficult conversation of Look I know people Who've gone right I'm going away and you're going away And we need to be able to do our own thing And whatever and then they end up getting back together And then anything that's happened in the meantime Hasn't broken

We were on a break Essentially Our mate Pete Otway Who's been on the couch him and his missus broke up when they were like 17 and went off to uni and now they're back together with two kids because they had their years apart and come back together because they loved each other yeah i think you're sort of skewing that story with hindsight a little bit they didn't split up for a temporary state and be like we'll get back together no they just split up yeah

that's not what i'm not saying he should split up with this girl state and be like we'll get back together no they just split up yeah that's not what i'm not saying he should split up with this girl and go we'll definitely get back together because then if you meet someone over there you you'll feel like you can't get with them and maybe you might be together and want to stay in oklahoma for the rest of your life that might happen don't do that but it might happen and you don't want to restrict that you need to be able to live your life openly and you're gonna feel constantly like you've got to give someone on the other side of the planet attention while you're over there you're not going to enjoy your experience as much if you're tied to that in my opinion that's my opinion yeah but yeah but if if she's the one

yeah ride it out no if she's the one then you still get back together anyway no no no no you're not like you can't say to someone listen you're going away it's too difficult split up it's not like yes it's nice cozy you can't say to someone, listen, you're going away. It's too difficult to split up. It's not like, yes, it's nice cozying up and you do need intimacy, but if you're properly in love, no other person can replace that intimacy. Like if you're an outright shagger,

if you've got massive insecurities, maybe they could, but like, if they are absolutely star cross lovers in love, then a year, it's not ideal. And also, is she going to be,

if she's supportive, like she sounds sound, she's like, go to Oklahoma. it's not ideal. And also, is she going to be, if she's supportive, like she sounds sound, if she's like, go to Oklahoma, it's an amazing opportunity, go and do it. I'll be here when you get back. There's also the possibility though,

where she's like, go to Oklahoma, it's a great opportunity. Ah, that's a possibility as well. Oh yeah, there is that. I'm staying in Wigan

for all that dick. Go Harry, be staying in Wigan for all that dick. Go, Harry. Be the first Wiganite to go to Oklahoma. I will stay here in the gene pool. I think he should. If they're meant to be together, just stay together. You don't have to go. It's only a year.

Of course you're going to say that, Carl. It's only a fucking year. You're the most sensible person ever. You're in a more committed relationship than I am, and I've say that, Carl. It's only a fucking year. You're the most sensible person ever. Okay. You're in a more committed relationship than I am, and I've got two kids, a wife, and a fucking mortgage. Let me ask you this question, Carl. Yes.

Right. Do you think it is better for him to try and stay together and one of them end up doing something wrong and it's broken forever, or to have the difficult conversation, and then... No, no, no. Why would he do something wrong?

No, no, no. But if they are the options because he's so cynical if you go I'm not being cynical I'm not I don't know the girl but I think

as soon as you're on fucking American ground I'm not I don't blow bang that's all I'm saying probably gang bang if Seneca went

now I'm going away for a year do you think we'd have to break up no because you know we're meant to be together and it's only a year and i'm not gonna go and shagging anywhere since you are being a bit pessimistic it's a it totally depends on the relationship if it's a new relationship then why fucking waste your time yeah i i don't think i think if serica was going away for a year i don't think there's any way you don't go with her no no i know it isn't that's my point no but the thing is this is a job opportunity isn't it no no no like because you and serica

are meant to be together and you're a couple and impenetrable and unbreakable she wouldn't go away for a year without you with her he is going away for a year plus whatever without her the different situations for that exact reason so if serica was like i'm going away for a year plus whatever without her the different situations for that exact reason so if serica was like i'm going away for a year and you were like i don't want to go i can't then i think yeah but i also if you were in that situation you might can't go away for a year you can't leave us so if serica got a teaching opportunity let's say in oklahoma at the university you can't leave this now the ball's rolling we we literally can't do without you yeah i'd let her go and also we're at the start of

something like it doesn't always work out they're like well you're meant to be together so she has to you have to go with her i'd want to but i'd be like right you need to do your thing i need to do mine a year we'll get over there we'll. Can I say, I have never done long distance relationships and I'm not trying to be cynical and I'm not trying to be... It's fucking hard work. Like, 23. I'm not even just trying to be dismissive,

but I was like, there's loads of people in the world. Find someone within half an hour. Yeah, like... I'm a bit more sort of... Lazy love. How far? You're fucking well fit, love. 15 miles.

I'm genuinely, like, for all the sort of brute force misogyny at times on this podcast, I'm a bit of a romantic man. And I do like the idea of we've all got one person and you're meant to be with certain people and you're not meant to be with other people and I do like that I think I think going away

in this situation is I think there's more chance of you going right we'll stay together and you ruin it forever if you stay together I think having the conversation and going look we need to not be a couple while i'm away and look

we never know what the future holds uh you can even stay as friends in that time if you've got if if the relationship allows for that you've got to consider hearing your needs and stuff but i think there's more danger of you damaging this damaging this relationship with this person forever irreparably by staying together i think that's more at risk by staying together than it is by having the conversation and breaking up temporarily or maybe the problem is if she doesn't want to do that temporary breakup that you're still fucking ruining it like i know what you mean you're like you be honest and you say it's probably gonna be difficult so but i'm saying is we should set if she goes i don't want to separate i'll wait for you it's still fucked because you can be like no no no we are going to be friends for a year you've still ruined it at

that point she you've both got to yeah you you have because you can't enforce you can't enforce a break on a girl that's dumping her if if your partner doesn't go yeah i'll have a year off so if harry turns around but if they're meant to be together she will get over that and it will the when he comes back that it could reorganize if she hasn't met someone else because she will get over that she will get over that conversation when she's spoken to all her friends and family and they've gone look we understand that he's an arsehole eventually she will see the reasons he did that if he fucks someone or she fucks someone you maybe but if he goes and says on a technicality we're on a break now so you'll have to agree we're just going to be friends and then goes and fucks loads of girls she's not going to be over it i don't know i think

she's more likely to get over that than actual cheating i'm not saying he won't yes she is but the boat i think they're both, like, red hands. None of it's ideal. It's the lesser of two evils. Can you imagine if Harry got back in touch like, we've only been seeing each other two weeks.

I'd be like, fucking hell, Harry! None of this was ever... I think he's already made this decision. It's all right, Carl. I know you love relationships. Guys, Carl just got

a little bit emotional. Oh, the camera's gone off. I think he's already made this decision. He just wants to kick off a nice subject, which has gone off i think he's already made the decision he just wants to kick off a nice subject which has happened so maybe he's not looking for advice he's just trying to contribute to the podcast but what we now know is if adam goes away something's getting fucked that's what i'm saying like there is a point if i went away for a year i would like i would say to sam come with me and if she was like i can't i'd be like i love you but i just don't see a way

like i know how needy she is i i just i i know that like you you i'm a i'm a mathematician you play the statistics what a douche i'm a mathematician and that's why i get all the pussy and that's how i get the girls in Oklahoma. Ladies, I'm from Liverpool and maybe South Africa and I'm a mathematician. Fucking hell. Well, Harry Robinson, I don't know if you got what you wanted from that,

but motherfucker, you started a debate. Gotta be seriously into a relationship to do long distance for a year. Go put your oak in Oklahoma. Hey! Boy, you could do bumhole zooms what's happening guys are you on board the cbd oil train yes whether you are or you aren't you should head to supreme cbd.uk one of the official sponsors of the have a word podcast and get yourself some premium CBD oil product from gummy bears to the oil itself. This stuff has got a million uses. It can help with anxiety. It can help you sleep. It can help with aches and pains. It's really, really brilliant. It's

been helping me and a lot of other people. Now, if you go to supremecbd.uk and use the special promo code WORD, that's W-O-R-D, you get 30 off every and you order and they slide us a little bit of money for sending you their way that's how sponsorship works they sponsor the podcast we push you their way it's a money game baby but you're gonna get money off your cbd and what's better than money off nothing go get it supreme cbd dot uk have you even used this mug yet Or have I The I love cock I got you this for Christmas And this says a lot about my sexuality I'm less bothered about what it's got on it

I don't like what it would have in it I'm not a hot beverage drinker But you know The I love cock thing should probably register As I'm a cisgendered straight man Learning the lingo i know dane baptiste talking about cisgender sorry i should have i should have had it straight

well you want to presume so it's all good then it's all good it's all good so it's a it's so much more of a fluid thing now when we talk about sexual orientation and gender itself it is you know it is day and that is a tight rope that we have walked in the first section today and i have decided to say pan before everything and then i think it means you can be what you want and fuck what you want there you go well pan means everything doesn't it pan pansexual is i will fuck anyone that lets me. But it pertains to human beings though, right? Because then if you fucked anything, would that be omnisexual?

Oh, right. Is what I'm asking because like- Yeah, if you stuck your dick in a crumpet, that's not part of being pansexual. I guess you'd be more of an omnisexual, but then if you stuck your dick in like French bread, then you would still be a pansexual, I guess. So-

Oh, it's gone straight in. I love it. I love it. I love it. I'm fucking having that day Someone's brought jokes That was such a well formed joke I was like what's happening Oh god

Listen Thanks for coming up My pleasure man And by that same token I do want to come empty handed man So at least with a little bit of material And trying out But no I love the operation

You guys got here Obviously a long friend of the of the southern of the southern uh comedy uh caucus so oh you've been sharing our stuff since back in the day that i i've got a little internal list of the good eggs who write from the off were like yeah man this looks good well i think i'm in a whatsapp group with all of them so i'm in a whatsapp group with like eight nine other comics and it was set up at the start of the pandemic. And it was basically, it's called content creators. And basically when any of us puts a clip on social media, we put the link in that group and we all immediately share it.

So every clip from everyone in that group immediately gets like 10 retweets. But you were doing this before that. You, Ishan, Rob Mulholland, I remember right from the off were giving us a solid share. Who's in the content? Me, Dane, Rob Mulholland, Ishan, Rob Mulholland I remember right from the off were giving us a yeah man a solid share who's in the who's in the cunt tent? me, Dane Rob Mulholland, Ishan also Daniel Muggleton

holding it down from Dan Muggleton so he's the Aussie guy that always wears an Adidas tracksuit top his stuff is funny man he's great I've never worked with him

I lived with him in Edinburgh a couple of years ago yeah Dan's a cool guy man and he yeah kind of definitely always supports me because he's great i've never worked with him i lived with him in edinburgh uh a couple years ago yeah that's a cool guy man and he uh yeah kind of definitely always supports me because he's from sydney originally so when i'm in australia i'll do like melbourne and then do a few weeks in sydney so i always hang out with him then as well nice yeah really cool guy man k kids in it uh ory styler is anyone else am i missing anyone? I think that's everybody. I think there's everyone now, yeah. I don't think anyone's missed.

Share people's stuff. Absolutely. Absolutely, man. I feel like, you know, we should be like an ecosystem unto ourselves and, you know, share whatever we can. It just helps, doesn't it? It does, and it helps that your stuff ain't shit.

That takes away the full credit. I'm not sharing cunt stuff. Yeah, yeah. It's got to be good, and you can't be a cunt. You can be the best comic in the world, and if you're a bellend, it's not to be good and you can't be a cunt you can be the best comic in the world and i'm if you're a bellend it's not getting a retweet yeah yeah peter hansen and um that's such an unnecessary for no reason that's red on this podcast you've woken up and chosen violence what's your beef there no i just that's a bit of a fucking it's a bit

I grow in a dressing room sometimes innit I don't know he's irked me a couple of times just play nice in a dressing room you don't have to be

my bezo just pretend you're like me just play fucking nice in a green room if you're not with your friends you've got to be the soundest person in the world

and in a green room if you're with your friends you get to be the biggest cunt in the world and it's more fun absolutely but I think this

comes down to the fact that there's a lot of people who have either been in the industry for so long that their just ability to relate to people normally is gone or it's people that have gone from i guess the uh drama school to stage pipeline where they have very rarely interact with people anyway so they just don't know how to conduct themselves professionally in a green room and so like where I've ever had fallen out with comedians, there's nothing specific about their personality. It's more of a question of they've flippantly said something rude or been dismissive or been curt to someone else or myself in a green room.

And I've been like, look, I make it very clear. This shit is fine on stage when you're doing all this other stuff or your parents come to see you. I'm not your fucking friend in it. I'm a colleague. So unless you want your parents to see you in a state that's going to distress them, change your fucking attitude. Anyone sharing a dressing room with Dame Baptiste,

don't fuck about. What an eloquent way to tell someone you're going to punch their head in. Yeah, but not, if you want your parents to see you in a distressing way, keep going. There's a type, right? There's a type of person where it's like,

you know, because most green rooms, they're like store cupboards or like rooms, like, you know, where people are keeping like, you know, kegs of fucking beer and shit. So there's airs and graces aren't needed for it so it's kind of like and also i feel like as a comic we're supposed to have the solidarity because it's us against them to an

extent like everyone outside yeah we're trying to have a good night and trying to you know win this audience over we can't do that if we're all trying to compete with each other we're all on the same bill so it's brilliant like that. There's only how many hundred of us that can be paid to do stand-up in this country. There is a, it's a little, it's a gang. And if you don't know, I remember when I met Zoe Lyons, never met her before. She'd heard me, I'd heard of her,

and then she'd been filming something and we'd gone out for drinks afterwards. I think we were in Cardiff and someone went, oh, Dan Nightingale's there. I was the only other comic there. And she came over and went, hey, Dan. And it was because we're part of this little, we're part of a little union without it being unionized.

And every time you go in a dressing room, you're in that state. You're like, very few people in the world can do this. We should at least, even if you've got, like had a shit day or whatever, the crowd's not good, there should be a little bit of teamwork just for that hour or two absolutely i am i 100 agree until someone really pisses me off yeah yeah and there was one time now i'm not going to name uh the comic i will tell you what club it was

because it's going to be obvious anyway hot water so there was a comic who'd really really really been audible to me a couple of times and had slagged me off and was just being a bit of a prick and then was moaning that hot water didn't book him. Right? So hot water went, come down on a Wednesday and do a tryout. And I seen he was on the bill

and I rang and said, can I be on? And can I be on third and make sure he's fourth? And I went, you were waiting. Adam, can I ask you a question? Did you do brand new material that night, by any chance? and make sure he's fourth. And I went, you were- Adam, can I ask you a question? Did you do brand new material that night by any chance?

No, no, no, no, no, no. I volleyed Victoria's Secret jokes all over that building. And yeah, the comic did not have a good gig and it was really satisfying because I am team comic until comic is cunt.

Hell yeah. And then they're not team comic, do you know what I mean? Yeah, they're not. It's not that I'm not team comic. They're not. And they deserve. And even if you don't like somebody, unless like that person is doing something,

you know they've done something to hurt another human being. And even then, that could be a law enforcement matter anyway. But it's like, you really only have to spend like 20 minutes with this person anyway. So like how much emotional baggage are you going to give this person? Like I had to say something very similar

at the comedy store with a comedian who accused me of stealing his material on my appearance on Live at the Apollo. So he really went for it. Now...

Waited to the dressing room, didn't get you a message? No. Waited till he saw you? He posted something cryptic and actually Adam was the one who told me about it. So thank you very much.

And yeah, so the first time I did that and he was like, just so you know know this guy is like talking shit and so rather than make it a big that was some groups quality isn't it I've got some shit you might want to share but I also got some shit I heard about you Adam came to me with the tea and I was very gracious and um you know the thing is like obviously I wanted to be like well what the fuck bro but um my manager was kind of like well what's the piece and he was the guy was like well i didn't say his name directly but like i just implied and people drew their own conclusions so i didn't do anything and where there's smoke there's oh shut up bro

it's just a pussy way of basically a pussy way of it but then when i saw him at the comedy store like i think it could do a confrontation but like i said i think success is always the best revenge so i'm like i'll go in after you and burn this place down. Just so you can hear in the back. Because if you've been to the comedy store in London as well, you've got the video feed as well. And you can also hear. So he just hit, yeah!

And I'm like, you can check me on iPlayer with Lava De Polo. Just so you know. One of the few times that anyone's left the dressing room and also turned the volume on the TV up in the dressing room. Daniel, you turning it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you might want to hear this.

I've seen you do that. Do what? Turn the volume up in the green room and hot water. Why? As a joke. Like, I want you to watch this. When I used to work there. To watch someone else?

No, you've gone on stage and left the green room and hired the volume up on a telly no as a joke i promise you you have oh i think it was like paul and me i actually think the you weren't doing it i was there last week at hot water and the sound was down and like rob thomas is sat there chatting away like he hasn't hung out with any mates for ages which is why he's enjoying it because we haven't have we like being we said about it last week getting a dressing room for the first time in five months was like hey but then like you were on comparing and the sound was down he like this isn't good yeah we should have all like gone for

a beer beforehand or a coffee or something because to have the sound on it's kind of important because what if i've got new material and adam's just by chance, we've not checked notes. So having the sound up makes sense. But if you know you're going to burn someone to the ground, just get it up a little higher. I also made a point of principle that all the material I did had absolutely no relevance to what he did. So it wouldn't even sound remotely like it.

And I was just like, and to be honest, again, like I said, it's just, you want to get pissed off and confront people. But at this point, it's kind of like why be that emotionally involved and like

I'm not going to get upset about a comedian in his 50s who still plays a mouth organ so working out narrowing it down yeah narrowing it right down

there are some guys who I like and respect who can be a bit of a menace in a director like Jeff Innocent is a quality comic, and he has always been so sound to me. But if he's in the mood,

he seems to be like, I'm going to call some shit. I've seen him do it. You're like, you're just sat there. All of a sudden, you just get, what happened to Peter Johansson about 10 minutes ago? All of a sudden, you're like, what the fuck am I taking fire for?

Excuse me, Dan, what were you saying about that're like, what the fuck am I taking fire for? Excuse me, Dan. What were you saying about that? I'm like, ugh, why am I being interrogated? Or he just starts some shit between two other comics, and it's just because he's a cantankerous old cunt. He's like, yeah, this dressing room's really nice and boring. The thing is, like, with someone going, oh, he's done, like, one of my bits

or something similar on the Apollo or something, don't, like, again, team comic. Message her and go game. Yeah, just message just message me like last week at hot water Justin Morehouse went on and did a bit about Covid-y stuff yeah yeah that I've been doing sort of for like the past nine months when gigs were allowed to come back I wrote a bit about how I clapped for the NHS but I didn't clap for the rest of the key workers because they don't deserve it right and he did something very similar yeah and i just said to him in the green room went by the way got something dead similar to that yeah and yeah and that's the conversation isn't it because parallel thoughts great minds that used to be that used to be the thing before we all became

such individualists and egos like great minds like you know you're if you are a good comic and you are you know observing something from a particular angle the odds are there's going to be some intersect between you and other equally competent comedians getting to that same point like it's even i watch like and this is not me making a direct comparison but it's like when bill burr has a bit on like sex dolls and stuff like that and you're like oh shit bill burr's working out material on sex dolls it for me it's more i consider it like a compliment i'm'm maybe I'm moving in the right direction like you know uh artistically because I'm covering one of the best yeah one of the best so you're like oh we're going in the same direction no one is the same but it's like well if he's doing stuff

on material like that it means you know your mind's going in the right way or maybe you're looking you're looking in the right places for material but it's like I remember when um they had the Idris Elba story about him being the next James Bond every other black comic had a bit on a black James Bond and at first it was like you know and one very good white one yeah and i mentioned lots of good white ones but and it's kind of like at first everyone had a very similar premise and at first i was like i thought it was the same joke i'm like no of course everyone's gonna it's gonna be pertinent to everybody so then really as a comedian you can spend the time where you're like well your joke sounds like my joke and maybe you shouldn't do the joke if i'm on the same bit

as well but really what is should be more exciting is the challenge of coming up with material that is different from anybody else's and so because that's that's supposed to be the biggest payoff it's not just we're funny it's adam's got this bit that you've got to hear about black james bond and dan's got this bit you want to hear about so there's no hack premise as long as you get to in own way. The idea is as long as you get there and no one else sees where you're going anyway, then that's supposed to be the part in the first place. If your idea is original enough on the premise,

then we could all have a Black Jamie Bombay and do them all on the same night and the audience won't be like, hang on. Pandemic's been a fucker for that. I watched Nate Bargatze's new special that was filmed probably six months ago in Vegas. Nate Bargatazzi's Tennessee Kid special is the most interesting stand-up.

There's no swearing. It's clean. And I watched it twice before I realized it was clean because he's not selling it as that. He's just got a quirky, underselling, geeky kind of way of telling these really funny stories. Second special, he's got five minutes about COVID and the pandemic that genuinely any one of our

colleagues on the circuit in the uk and he's his tennessee kids special is one of the most popular on netflix for one of the non-superstars yeah yeah great that five minutes at the start of uh the the second special is fine it's fine yeah it's covid stuff and it's fine because doesn't matter if you're a netflix american comic if you are a middling uk average circuit comic we've all lived the same life for nearly a year and a half and there's only so many angles you can have so when it comes to justin you in in in your head you've got to be like yeah we've all done such a similar massive job even even against our will in many cases where like as much we'd like to have a different day you're waking up within a lockdown and you're gonna have quite a very similar routine and practice so

i think i think it's probably interesting in time as well because it's leveled the playing field because like we've all had a shared experience so really for you to distinguish yourself as a comic now you're gonna have to have a perspective that's different from anybody else's or like and i guess that's going to be that's the that's the challenge we're talking about about premises aren't hack where are you going with it i've tended with me covid stuff to go really harsh yeah because i know that a lot of people won't they won't go on stage and go let's kill most of the old people yeah so i'll do that because not many other people are going to do that dominic cummings and the prime minister might beat you to that shit because this is the thing satire's getting I've got to say Adam I'm on board with it but satire is getting harder and harder because

literally yesterday the guy came out and they was like on the right of the whiteboard who should we kill who should we let die did you watch any of the Dominic Cummings stuff I've just seen clips of it it's so unreal it's like it was from the inquiry it's what's unnerving about is like you know when like the the government's released documents 25 years later you're like this shit was very recently within the calendar year you fucking psychopath yeah yeah it's now it's now it's it's seriously brit satire used to be like a cornerstone of british comedy that shit is getting harder and harder and harder And harder

Because the stuff That they actually do Is stranger than fiction Like everyone They even asked The dude didn't it Matt What's his face

Hancock Hancock Yeah they were like Is this stuff true And he was like Nah don't worry I got a new I got a new

Britain top in there And I know it sounds Like I'm trying to I'm paraphrasing But he pretty much was like Nah Nah I wish Matt Hancock

Spoke like that He was like yeah I was busy Look at this Look at this I was busy This is new you know This is authentic

And then he ran off And they was like He was like Yeah don't worry about that What is happening Like I really wish Matt Hancock

Bro I'll tell you We're not far off we're not far off. We're not far off. Like, even when he, and then when they were like, what about the people that died? And he was like, no, yeah.

I mean, what? What is going on? And Preet Patel just, she's just out here just playing like supervillain top trumps. So someone would be like, well, then a hundred thousand people died. And she's like, well, if it was me,

I'd make 200,000 people die. All right, all right pre i wouldn't even let my dad in the country you've got the job what the fuck is going on here i take them all in a boat and sink it that's what i think the tories the tories knew exactly what they were doing with pretty patel yeah they must have been like senior tourism was like she's fucking psycho this one they're like but she's an asian psycho so everyone's gonna be like okay i'm sure it's fine if she was like she's fucking psycho this one they're like but she's an asian psycho so everyone's gonna be like okay i'm sure it's fine if she was like a middle-aged white tori they'd be like pretty you are not allowed to be a minister anything you're frightening me like in a castle with a moat like seriously because she's a relatively young asian woman they're like no she is scary

isn't she but you can't say anything because you're white. She's Asian. And she's not supposed to have this level of power. Like, you can look at Preeti Patel and know that she bit people in secondary school. You know she used to bite people. Preeti bit me. That's ridiculous. Why would I? And then, there's teeth mumps right there.

I'm sorry for your family, blah, blah, blah. You could see her pushing an old lady down the stairs. Yeah. Easily. Easily doing that. I could could see her Pushing an old lady Down the stairs Yeah Be like Easily Easily doing that I could easily see her She's called pretty as well Yeah

Pretty That's what I'm saying My favourite bit of Watching the Dominic Cummings Thing yesterday Was when he started Describing the Spiderman meme Yeah

Did you see that bit It's bizarre Did you not see it No He went right So it basically You know My Hancock's pointing

at the cabinet and they're pointing at him and then Boris Johnson is pointing at both of them and they're both pointing back at Boris it's like that

Spider-Man meme it's like Dominic this is a public inquiry I'm telling you like it's on public record as part of a British Spider-Man meme that Spider-Man meme

yeah it's like that Spider-Man meme yes oh it was so good It was like a bitter ex Who'd kept every screenshot

Every receipt as well And then the best part was when Boris Johnson was like Nah it's so safe They can inject me with it on TV And then that's how they know it's safe And someone was like Boris that's kind of stupid No I'm not stupid I can't be stupid I'm not stupid, were you?

I can't be stupid. I'm the Prime Minister. What you're doing, Boris, is a bad idea. People will die. Yeah, but... Some people will live. Maybe. That's the level of dialogue. It sounds like I'm simplifying it,

but that's how they talk. It's like... And then Preet is like, if it was me, I'd let everybody die. Like we know Preet, relax man. I'll do it, I'll kill anybody. I don't care. I'll just kill, I'll kill any.

Like she- I done three nunners today. Yeah, it's like, Preet Patel, she'd be like, she would call a girl fat at her 16th birthday party. Like, easy. She'd be like, not too much icing, you are quite chubby. Happy birthday to you. Pubby pretty would definitely do that how are you meant to do satire on these cunts

like it's trump killed satire didn't he yeah yeah definitely oh that's what it was became boring yeah because like when he's going like i'm sure bill there to talk about this on an episode of Conan where he was like you called all women lunatics and he was like no no I said that about Rosie O'Donnell and then they went no you said it about all women and he went nah I probably did how can you satirise a man who's like

he's satirising himself though he's so ridiculous what comedian can be like I'll tell you what's funny about Trump. You're like him. Yeah. Just watching him. It's difficult to do.

If you tried to write a joke about the Spider-Man meme and do it as standup, you'd be like, yeah, it was absolutely absurd on its own. Yeah, and exposes make it worse. Cause then it's like, I've got the hidden track about Donald Trump. And you're like, this will be surprising. And then you're like, all he eats is cheeseburgers.

And we're like, yeah, anyone could they're like all he eats is cheeseburgers and we're like yeah anyone can guess that anyone would know that he like he hasn't got a favourite restaurant like where's he going so all he eats is cheeseburgers and then our guy was like

you know he doesn't laugh at anything other than other people's misfortune and we're like yeah it's all believable yeah it's all believable no

there's not what like even he would fuck his own daughter like yeah yeah, all the time, yeah. We know. Like, yeah. He told us. He told us.

He told us. On the news. Donald Trump went on the news and said, I'd fuck my own daughter. That bleach bit killed me off. Yeah. The bleach bit. He said, why don't we just put bleach in our bodies?

And the doctor just went, oh my God. Yeah, the woman was like, what the fuck? We are not together. Trump's the best thing that happened to Boris Johnson. Because Boris Johnson's basically done the primary school version of that with like, I'm going to be injected on TV. He's a blonde buffoon, but there's a fucking A-level blonde buffoon across the water.

If Donald Trump is Elvis, then Boris Johnson is like shaking Stevens. That's never, ever been said said that's such a good analogy everybody has been thinking it and i don't and i would have said and i didn't think there would be a world where shaking stevens had a place in bipartisan politics but here we are 2021 here we are here we are just like just like the gypsy woman said. If you'd have asked me what references we were going to do today, Dane, I wouldn't have guessed you were going to bang out a Shaken Stevens. The whitest fucking reference. It is.

I am very well travelled, Dan. It's just out white. It does. Oh, my God. That being said, listen. Shaken Stevens Christmas time Banging it out Every single time

It's up there with Wham With one of the Christmas carol classics Dunna dunna Yeah All around me Christmas carol classic Yeah

Christmas carol classic Merry Christmas To the season Love and understanding Merry Christmas Everyone Merry Christmas everyone Merry Christmas I'm sure I haven't

all Christmas is the best yeah banger I like a spaceman came travelling me I don't my favourite thing about Adam is

he talks bullshit 85% of the time but then it's a really charming thing when he's dead on it's like I like a spaceman

came travelling that's it I don't know why it's a Christmas song it's a banger though do you know what I mean like it's a Christmas song but there's no

reference to Christmas in it is there it's the nativity in it oh it's about Jesus isn't it no it's isn't it about isn't it Jesus the spaceman isn't it oh it's about Jesus isn't it no it's isn't it about isn't it

Jesus the spaceman same same yeah same same like some people believe that Jesus was an alien oh back to the

bullshit ah we're back ah we're back that being said over the this is how bad it's got with satire right

that we have the political equivalent of shaking Stevens to compliment america's elvis that got so bad that the pentagon finally went do you know what yeah there's aliens that's how that's how crazy the last year has been that the pentagon was like you know neither is aliens yeah there's not there's loads of them and what's that in the sky we don't know we don't yeah yeah but when can we drink inside? Yay! Aliens, yay!

Yay! Yay! But Nando's! When is that opening? This is outrageous. Still got to wear a mask to Walmart. There's literal aliens. It's so random that everyone's just gone.

No one cares. Nobody cares about aliens. Absolutely. After years and years. Just to go back to what I was saying. Some people believe that the light in the sky beamed a light to Jesus being born. Some people believe,

there is a group of people who believe that could have been like a spaceman coming down. Yeah. There's a group of people that believe he was the son of an imaginary dude in the sky. And they're a big group of people. There's loads of fucking... Are you religious at all?

Yeah, I'd say I'm religious. I feel like... Well, religious i feel like well i retract my last comment you don't know because religion because it's the thing religion shouldn't be about what i believe it should be about what i know so if someone does say something to challenge said beliefs i shouldn't get upset just because you said it is the problem with like faith the idea about having it and knowing about something is that if someone says something you shouldn't be like how dare you you have no respect you should be like yeah you're entitled to your opinion because really i mean all of them are exchanges of opinion really so i guess i would say i'm as a religion in the sense that religion is supposed to be your uh relationship with your own spirituality rather than being a part of any affiliated anything yeah and not institutional religion just your own personal faith because they're all wrong and they're all right and it's just uh you're pan-religious yeah i'm pan-religious

any tattoos any uh yeah so there's some i mean so that's this these are from uh these are ancient egyptian uh gods so this is osiris and this is horus and then these are just other stupidness that i wanted to put and this is a quote from Lenny Bruce what's it say it says and I'm not sick the world is sick and I'm a doctor I'm a surgeon

with a scalpel for false fatties yeah yeah so that's like what he was about man so um you gotta love the immense

like changing tone that we can manage within seconds I like it though I like that yeah that's it that's it

that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it that's it

that's it that's it that's it what an amazing lenny bruce quote jesus was a spaceman well you know what about lenny bruce in the same vein lenny bruce would have done the same thing so this is what i mean is about questioning stuff but like yeah with the whole i don't know the whole spirituality thing like i said i just uh i my my whole personal thing is in this idea of religion versus science is that i believe

that religion needs to be a lot more scientific and science needs to be a lot more religious in that religion is allowed to have ideas and beliefs right and be like god says this and this but then like with science you have a hypothesis and then you test that and then based on your results you change your hypothesis or you confirm it and that's what religion should do so if they're like initially well the church is against homosexuality for example then you can simply test by allowing members of the lgb community to be members of the church if they are beneficial and they're and you know like anybody else they want to share in a collection of love and a higher love then it means you have to change your findings because very clearly these people have souls and they love God just like you do. Yeah, most religions desperately need an iPhone update.

Yeah, it's an update because the world is changing. So, you know, your belief system should be able to adapt accordingly. By the same token, it's like religion, I mean, science is kind of like, there's a lot of things where it's like, I say it should be a bit more religious in that just because you can doesn't mean you should like

you should have like a reverence for like nature so it's like even though there's certain things you can do it doesn't necessarily mean we we have to do them so for example like fracking some shit like that so there's this fact there's probably factions within science that are a bit more like hardline and a bit more tolerant it's the same within religions isn't it yeah exactly because i'm saying religion could do with an update there are loads of the religion like it there's degrees in there there's a spectrum it's not like if you're a christian you're not obviously there's denominations but there's some very liberal christians and then there's some hard liners absolutely but i've never thought about the other way around that science needs to be more

kind of be more divining because it's not everything that you can do, you should do. Or, like, there's certain elements that might make logical sense, but they may not make humanitarian sense. Or, like, it's kind of like, well, capitalism itself is a religion. There's no, like, basis for how that system works.

So it's like, if we know we can cure cancer, and cancer will benefit and curing cancer will benefit mankind then really as a scientist it's not something you should be selling to people in the same way that it's like if you know you create a drug or something like at some point somebody came up with rehytenol right and someone could have been like we should make sure this doesn't get into the wrong hands and be used as a date rate drug and then someone was like yeah we'll make a lot of money. So they're like, yeah, fine.

So it's stuff like that. Or just like atomic energy in general. It's like once you worked out that you could do nuclear fission and detonate a nuclear warhead, cool, we know, but we should probably leave it here because now we live in a world of mutually assured destruction where shitloads of money goes towards the proliferation of nuclear weapons in different countries and stuff.

And it's like... It's all business, baby and business and so is science so are the covid vaccines exactly and it shouldn't always be like that because it's kind of like if it was a point where we wouldn't able people aren't able to buy it so they're going to die is that going to benefit humanity long term because i look at on a scale like for example you know we we if you have you have a working class upbringing you may have a superior aptitude to do a certain job than someone who comes from a more privileged background. But because the way the world is designed,

we're not a meritocracy whereby you get to have the maximum opportunity to realise your potential. But on a larger scale, that don't benefit humanity. So scientifically, to me,

that doesn't make any sense. And so far, again, going back to the political stuff, they tried to reduce exam results to a fucking algorithm where they were like okay so if you're from a poor area you go to a public school then we'll automatically downgrade you whereas if you go to a private school the curve goes up yeah you've totally lost a year of of potential talent exactly and it's like

shouldn't we all be working towards the ultimate benefit of mankind in the same way where i'm like scientifically it should be able to be proven if we give all human beings a base access level to education and universal health care then you live with that playing field or we're all up to our optimal state of humanity then we can all contribute towards making the world a better place spot on but you're not you're not to make sense that's where money fucks things up there you go who controls the money like we rally against

Tories and like institutional wealth and like the upper classes all the time it's the most obvious thing in the world it doesn't suit them

to give genuine opportunity to the poorest to the to everyone because they want to sow their oats they want to make sure

that their children that they're like but then when you juxtapose that with Darwinist theory that's not survival of the fittest that's survival of the richest and so there if we're going to have a a society which is based on your capital wealth gives you a preferred position in our hierarchy well then that contradicts all of the darwinist theory about the fact that if you're genetically predisposed to survive then you should survive because those aren't the same things.

Because we know, for a start, people who are very, very wealthy fuck each other's cousins. Scientifically, that makes no sense. Yeah, I went to uni with some of them, yeah. But you see, Eddie from Edinburgh. What, he fucked his cousin? I'm just guessing, but he fucking looked like it. The problem with that is,

the problem with that is, I think you speak to people who are privileged and in terms of like their inheritance and their lineage and everything they're like

of course if a young fellow from an underprivileged community we should give them a scholarship but if it comes down to their kid not getting something

they'll never accept it exactly it's like of course we'll give away a little bit of charity to help the poorer folks especially if they're outstanding what about what if your eddie doesn't get a place at like a university because he's a fucking idiot oh no no no edward's a talented young man that's the problem isn't it it's a rigged game problem it's a massively i mean even even our industry let's have a revolution even even our industry our

industry itself, we're limited to the same thing where, you know, prior to us coming into comedy, I guess we kind of really started around a similar time, give or take a few years. 2010. Yeah. 1933.

Yeah, I started a little bit earlier. You were 83. I was like, how's everyone doing? That was all my old stuff. Lancashire. I can't believe it I tried to do a joke And I was like

It's not enough of a joke Not enough of a joke I'm gonna fuck you With a bit more Back in the day It was a good joke Back in the day The 30s

That would have Been a fucking treat But it's like You know In this country I feel like You know There was a point in time

Where They were able to convince Most comedy audiences that racism was only something that white working class men did. So all of those clubs and all of those kind of acts suffered. And that was annexed by, you know, that kind of more Footlights, Monty Python kind of contingent of comedy and, you know, the alternative comedy as well.

And that's kind of like mutated into the point whereby it's seen as a given that oh working class white people are the only racist people only racist people so now we get replaced with people that are referred to as like liberal or being you know more inclusive but then we all know that their life journey they have no time spent around these supposed groups that they have solidarity with and so you have this whole new landscape where it's like it's almost as if a lot of people are working for various corporations or various production companies or media companies it's like their parents just pay for them there today so they can intern and then you know they don't really

have any real ingenuity just did time to actually be there and then that spreads like into journalism and everything where it's like all of these creative pursuits can't be meritocratic because just to supplement your normal lifestyle to pursue them if you're from you know you come from runcorn you live to trying to live in london to become like a journalist how are you supposed to live and eat the only people that can have that kind of lifestyle all come from a very similar background yeah they just live at their parents in surrey and get the training there you go and it's like the fringe is a great example of that exactly how are you meant to do that from a working class background when they're like yeah it's going to cost you to do it properly accommodation probably about 1500 quid yeah how

are you doing that if you're from a working class background you're a young comic there you go but if you if you're from a family that can be like of course we'll we'll pay yeah it's fine and so so it's not really a meritocracy then and and for me it's like i mean the game is the game and you could argue you know anyone who has kids would want to like help their kids but i'm saying when you juxtapose that with this idea of science and darwinist theory and survive the fittest and all these middle class guys all riding richard dawkins dick it's like you seem to all be close with the theory but in practice you don't really practice it yeah because people get very selfish in it that's the point is that you can you can theorize that like of course i'm very liberal and i'm i'm really forward thinking and

i i love that idea that dame was like what about your own family oh yeah of course i'm going to sort them out yeah it works the same because the real religion is definitely guilty of that like i think most people are yeah i'm absolutely but it's not guilt it's not guilt it's a natural inclination of any human being to take care of the people That are close to you The problem is The tool by which We have to do that Is fiat currency currently

Or like money Yeah It's not something You put a price on But it's the fact that Anyone is naturally inclined To take care of their family That is a biological

Instinct you have Yeah, yeah To make sure your gene pool Is safe and best adapted For the new world But now Like the dice are loaded If money is what's going to determine that instead of instead of you having natural predisposition stuff another example of middle class bullshit when it comes to like

science and stuff right is like pedigree dogs because a dog is just supposed to be a canine like even by their definition of species dog a dog is a dog irrespective of what breed is breeding is a price of the process we have where people will take dogs reintroduce them to their own genes and stuff for them to have negative genes just so we like certain certain aspects of their appearance so people like french bulldogs is like a big trend like a couple years back right so people are breeding french bulldogs most bulldogs after a certain point they're either gonna have problems with fertility they're gonna have problems with respiration they're gonna have just normal degenerative problems because they are inbred essentially by being pedigree but we breed them because we like how they look now again if

you look at science science just literally thought of every pug you see yeah like that's how bad they look this is honestly a pug skull yeah yeah that's insane how much did you spend on your oh he's actually pedigree he's 1200 quid well he looks like he can't breathe out so you've spent that and you've you've basically if you took the human equivalent of the process of breeding to make a dog like a pug like you'd be it'd be a human right it'd be human rights abuse but we inbreed these dogs because like even like dalmatians and shit and then the back legs go out by the time they get old and again it's like this is not there's nothing to do with survival of the fittest it's been happening for years it's the house of lords yeah if you go to the house of lords it's just a this is not, this has nothing to do with survival of the fittest. It's been happening for years. It's the house of lords.

If you go to the house of lords, it's just a load of seven-year-old white dudes struggling to breathe out. They are the British equivalent of pork. Absolutely. Well, that's it. Our national dog is the English, the bulldog, right? A British bulldog, which is a breed of dog,

which is so inbred that they can barely conceive themselves without like a vet having to like insinuate them. That's how bad it is. And their respiration is so inbred that they can barely conceive themselves without like a vet having to like insinuate them that's how bad it is and their respiration is so bad they barely live on into old age and again it's like i'm i'm not challenging like darwinist theory but i'm like i'd like to see an example of it before right because because you'll see middle class people on stage and be like and even ricky jason be like god and the idea is laughable and blah blah blah blah blah blah but it's kind of like but if we were in a world where it was a survivor of the fittest like you being like what five foot seven and having a podge like ricky gervais like how far do you think you would go in a draconian world where

alpha male displays well how we kind of like realize power and status in this world i'm someone's bitch back back in the days i know that so yeah i'd be quite high up i think yeah it depends it depends on your environment and your tribe. Give me six generations. Run the game. Where do you put yourself in this room

of all the people? Top? You alpha? I reckon me and Dane would come to an agreement and we'd run the room. Yeah, I think Dane would kill us all.

No, no, I wouldn't want us to die. We come together and we take over everybody else outside. That's what we do. Yeah. make our children breed together yes we'll start again exactly start again i am i would i would send you guys to work and i would strategize from here sounds a lot like

nesting to me adam and we were doing some hunting gathering and i just say no there you go power of no and that's how Society was born Exactly Someone was like No I don't want her That's how royalty existed For the first time The very first Adam went

No you go and do it I'll just stay here I'll be in charge You bring stuff back The very first Adam I mean yeah If you don't do it I'll kill you

I'll hang over I'll stay here You bring stuff back There you go And yeah if you don't do it i'll hang over yeah i'll stay here you bring stuff back there you go and you were like i'll do it because the royal lynch has to be protected exactly yeah see because she is she's guarding the entrance to the palace yeah vagina yeah exactly pussy yeah vagina everyone got it everyone got it pussy old jimmy newendo filling in the gaps Vagina! Everyone got it. Everyone got it. Pussy. Old Jimmy Nguendo. Filling in the gaps. Pussy.

Pussy. Vagina. Like, an amazing 10-minute speech where you're like, I'm really having to concentrate on what's being said. And they were going, God, that is a really interesting point. Wrapped up with pussy. Yeah, it's got to be done. It's the bowtie

for all discourse pussy is the ribbon for all male discourse that's beyond me i'd have been suspicious if it didn't come up at least once like just just to the viewers if you have a conversation if you are having a healthy in-depth conversation with other men and your peers or contemporaries and pussy's not mentioned once, you're in a police sting operation. So police sting operation. 15 minutes without the word bobble. Dominic Cummings did it in the inquiry. He did it in the inquiry yesterday.

After he finished the Spider-Man movie and everyone just was a lull and he went, pussy. Padana. They were like, Dominic, are you ready? Ready like a wet pussy. To go out there with the truth. He said, we are fucked on the telly, didn't he?

At our second moment. Did he? Yeah, he's on live telly. And they went, so what were you thinking at this stage? And he was like, we are fucked. What? And the public is crying. And in one-

I wanna make, sorry. It wins so many people over. Sorry, I've gotta make this clear. Dominic Cummings is an audible slimy cunt and I would love to punch his head in okay

like I don't like him but yesterday's performance was phenomenal I seen a great tweet which said something like Dominic Cummings is not your friend

but it's great to watch your enemies throw grenades at each other yes it is yeah yeah yeah so that's what this is and watching him just

because like he's faced with Jeremy Hunt and a few other MPs and Tories and stuff. And they're like going to him, well, Dominic, you say Boris Johnson is a useless,

audible cunt and wants to kill people. But didn't you as well? And he was just, because he doesn't need to get elected, he was just going, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry. I did do all this too. So, soz, I did. And now, there's nothing you can do because I've missed it and said sorry. And Boris Johnson can't do the same thing. He can't go, oh, I hold my ends up and vote for me.

Dominic Cummings is essentially going, I fucked up. I should have resigned earlier than I did. Would have been better for the country. With hindsight, we should have done this, this, this, and this. We massively fucked it up. But Boris Johnson's a big useless twat and he should never be prime minister again. But Boris Johnson's a big useless twat,

and he should never be prime minister again. Soz. Because the next prime minister knows how powerful and clever and manipulative behind the scenes Dominic Cummings could be. And you could see yesterday, basically he was going, Boris Johnson shouldn't be prime minister. I hate him. He's useless. The fact that it was him against Corbyn is insane.

The fact he gave me the job he gave me is insane. Yeah, that part was even weirder. Yeah, he was like, I should have had my job. He shouldn't have his job. No one should have these jobs. I don't know what I'm doing, you know? I'm rubbish. What is going on? You can't even do it in a football conference.

Could you imagine if Ernie Gunnarsson was like, I'm rubbish. I don't deserve this. Did Daniel De Gea, of course he fucked up. I trained him. I don't know what I'm doing. This place has gone to trots since Alex left. Like a self-deprecating

Edinburgh comedian. I'm bloody rubbish at the sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly what it's like. He's really non-threatening. I'll give him some pussy. And then he goes, give it to me.

And then they go, I took the pussy, but I've got mental health problems. I'm really, I'm alcoholic. Oh, he's layered give it to me. He gave it to me. And then they go, I took the pussy, but I've got mental health problems. I'm really, I'm alcoholic. Oh, he's layered. He's layered. He said, my Hancock should have been fired 20 times for 15, 20 different things. He kept slating Hancock because he knows Hancock's fucking gone.

But then he was really, really, really, really nice about Rishi Sunak about 30 times. He kept going, good old Rishi. You know, he put that whole fellow thing together in like 25 minutes because he knows he's going to be the next one to run

so he's like I'm going to get my job back I'm going to get my job back no they need to be put in the room like you know

that scene in the Dark Knight where the Joker goes I've already got a run in my cabin for one of your guys and they just put like a pool cue

and be like, all right, now you guys fight over who gets to do it. Pretty Patel. Of course it's gonna be Pretty Patel. Pretty Patel would fucking win. She would literally take the pool cue, throw it over there and win anyway. She a scary lady.

Or she'd be like, I've already got one. Yeah, exactly. And just spit on it and be like, this is mine. I used it on myself myself And everyone's like Oh my god What did you use it pretty Pussy Vagina

That was my original name Pussy Patea We're fucked Go ahead We are fucked Or we are on the cusp Of a revolution Mate honestly

I think you're starting one There was like There was points there when you were talking i was getting revved up one thing i definitely know is i hope your kids are fucking bright because if you really believe in the system like if they're showing any like you getting b's mate you're done i i don't i don't know if i want kids my kids to go to school as they exist now especially like i said we're living in a time where even if your kids work like to be fair and this is a thing like you know i feel like not to be too like much of a bleeding

heart but we owe kids a fucking apology man for nothing else just the semantics of you know just the normal maximum being like work hard and go to school if i was a kid now i'd be like why the fuck why so you can get a good job why i don't know if you've noticed the president and the prime minister are two of the biggest shits people have ever seen ever but you should still work hard so you can get a good job why i don't know if you've noticed the president and the prime minister are two of the biggest shits people have ever seen ever but you should still work hard why you can cheat you can see you can cheat and get away with it like or or like between we have a religion like so far as the basis for it i suppose so far as the ethical basis for it doing good unto others and stuff like that we've not shown kids there's any fucking point in doing that for an entire generation and then

people like what's wrong with this generation of kids they've watched the villain win for like how many years so while we've been doing marvel cinematic universe and being like heroes villains and super villains are the ones winning like you can very easily see that pretty patel would scratch a child in a classroom you can easily see she would do that and it's like she's been caught bullying and they were like yeah no not really though don't worry about it and so now we basically have a world where you know after years of it's even like when we say you know nice guys finish last well if you're a feminist are you fucking surprised you have a malevolent patriarchy women have been saying nice guys finish last and repeating that maxim amongst women for years so that's why they're

not nice guys are in control so when it's your fault well i mean it's not a fault but i'm the same responsibility is that is the same responsibility the whole the whole the whole villainous and being rewarded for bad behavior and being rewarded for being as shit of a person as it's possible to be get you to a position of power so that's where horrible structures of society come from when we reward the worst people

with more money and more power and have a play in and yeah fuck that kid and we'll just pretend you're not doing it like yeah because billionaires don't become billionaires by being the nice guy is doing The extra shift at McDonald's

Because his colleague Wants the day off There you go So we have Many examples Look Remember Jeremy Corbyn Was like free internet

For everybody Everyone was like He's mental Why would we need Free internet for everybody What use would that be Well look where we are now Like

It's just insane When people are like Oh this guy Socialism is terrible Privatising the NHS. How did we get here? How can you have a privatised healthcare system and then be like, help our heroes?

That's what I was trying to do with my fucking tax to pay for healthcare. When they come back with limbs missing from combat zones, they can get the help they need. That's why we have a healthcare service. That's how we help them. Because a plastic flower ain't doing fucking much, really. No one's arguing with that.

So it's just like, for kids, people are like, these children are lost. They are lost. They're not lost. They've been actively observing you lot rewarding pieces of shit for like the last 20 years. So it's like, I say this all the time. If you are a white working class woman who works hard and gets good grades to go to university, what reward is there for you? And then we turn around and people say stuff like,

what's happening to these kids? They go on Love Island and more people apply to Love Island than Oxford and Cambridge. Yes, I understand exactly why. Because even if they did get qualified, depending on their socioeconomic background, when they graduate, they're going to be like,

what fucking job are they doing? I'm really worried as a parent. If you go on Love Island, you can be like hey here's me tits and you get 20 grand for the post and it looks easy i'm genuinely worried as a comic and a youtuber how i'm gonna make my children do homework and revision for exams yeah you really need to work hard and get these qualifications why what do you do dad i talk absolute shit with a uh scouse mate of mine and some guests and that's working out really well i think that's not gonna it's not gonna be great long term

you need to concentrate brings home like a scouser in year five and she's like dad i've got one i will is this your boyfriend no it's my business partner I will set up I will set up the fucking equipment come on I think a lot of kids that are doing YouTube and stuff like that are already ahead of the curve that they realise that

you know any job where it's going to be working I suppose in an office or even a factory or any kind of it probably won't exist by the time they graduate

so they're already making a move towards being like influencers and all this other stuff it just it makes sense and I don't think no one has any answers for them and like I said,

it's living in a time now where I suppose, even what use is homework really? What does it really prove? it's always been bullshit homework. Use is revision. Yeah, I think it's even proven

that it doesn't actually increase kids' intelligence or anything like that so kind of, it's like, they want to control you when you're not even at school. Do you reckon there's going to be,

come a point where there's going to be so, like everyone's an influencer, so they're just going to be buying off each other? Buy my top. I'll buy your top if you buy my top. I'll buy your shoes. I'll buy that hat if you buy my arsehole.

I think most influencers are going to go, everyone's grafted. Most influencers will end up being homeless, I think, man, after a few years. But influencing at the same time. Yeah, exactly. Two homeless guys

I love your top how many likes did you get for that Jeff to be fair homeless people were saying hey guys way before influencers were

they were saying that way before influencers were please like no get away from me get a real job the influence thing

is the whole idea, I suppose, was that they wanted us, they wanted us to worship human clothes horses and human billboards. Because I was like, what is the whole point of influencing? And then they moved the like button on Instagram up and then replaced it with the shopping bag button.

So essentially, everyone's bodies, minds and their hands are used to doing the same kind of process on social media. And now they've built this whole serotonin addiction that comes from getting likes. So now that everyone's addicted, it's kind of like, well, I still want to be liked. Well, now buy stuff. That's how you get liked.

So now, you know, Instagram is all like shopping bags and you can buy stuff online and you can now, things are tagged in terms of where it's from and stuff like that. I think that was the plan all along to be able to sell shit in the wild west. There's something to that because I've not been big into instagram until maybe a year ago and because of the pod we've got loads of followers everything i put on there everyone's like love love love love love and i do shop on instagram a bit more every time i go on facebook i was like that's all right and like if you put someone on twitter it does fine but instagram is so like so much more positive platform but i this is the

most negative i do actually shop off instagram the most god i've been affected it's a new tv that's why because that's why it's called instagram yeah because the suffix gram would is for programming if it was about pictures it'd be called instagram and that's what initially what the app was supposed to be for is for like photographers and stuff to share like their pictures and like that's where filters come from because most people didn't understand these filters before that then once human like commercial hands got a hold of it and you can you know it's like tv the idea of tv is that people watch tv and the idea is like all advertising tv is like this could be you but with tv it says

stuff like you know the model in this picture or don't try this at home and it gives you all of like the small print whereas the internet they don't have to necessarily do that so they can sell you this unattainable idea of aspiration where it's like you can have your trainers you can live like this and you can have this snapshot of your life and people get so used to it then it's like i can just continue to live this life where i just take snapshots of my success but then now it's like how you continue to do that well you're gonna have to fork out and so that was the whole plan the whole time whereas twitter like i said twitter is this if social media is a stream of consciousness then twitter is the sewer basically yeah yeah absolutely us following you on twitter has made the our

twitter feed so much more politicized because you tweet in a way that a lot of comedians don't tweet like a lot of comedians like it's a funny clip and i follow this team but when you read no i wasn't even thinking about but when dane tweets i'm like oh god i should do more like no no not at all enjoy is the wrong word but what i love about the way you handle yourself online is your absolute intolerance for virtue signaling yeah comedians in particular when comics are like fat shaming is awful and then they remain silent on yeah like black lives matter or something like that you're like no no you if you're gonna stand up for injustice someone saying fat people aren't attractive is so much further down the priority queue yeah of course then the institutional genocide you were calling people out at the black lives matter like when it came to the the inaction you were the most vocal comic i saw yeah just going i ain't being a cunt but

hi you've got twitter followers what you doing anything you're just watching you're just taking because you know because there's a lot of people that co-opt other aspects of black culture, particularly in this country, where it's very seldom that you really see. There's not many black comics, I would say over the age of 40, that you see in the same. And not to say that the guys I'm mentioning

are not good comics, but you're not going to have a black equivalent of your panel for Mock the Week. That's always working. You just don't really see it. For a very long time in this country, you just don't really see it for a very long time in this country you just don't really see

older black comedians talking about this old guy shit like the large contingent of successful black comedians more recently because they're very young because the TV producers

like we need a black guy and they're like oh you can't have an old black guy because they're like ah what are you going to do with that he's not old

he's black yeah yeah yeah that's so I've never thought about from my so... I've never thought about it from my white perspective. I've never thought about that. You wouldn't know any different, but you've had it for such,

like, it's been a good, like, 20 years where there's been this conflation of black culture and youth culture. So it seems to be more accepted, but the ruinism which is accepted

is more things that are quite superficial, whereas, like, that kind of hip-hop influence on clothing and maybe within football and in music. But these are all, like,

quite young occupations, whereas when you're dealing about things that actually matter about your life like you know your politics or economics these affect adults when you don't have someone that can speak about that it means for most white people that live in runcorn they never hear what a grown black person thinks about anything so if you're just watching tv as a normal white person and this is and this is this is how the divide is kind of driven is that like for a black or brown person living in a metropolitan city it's suggested to you through media that if you go further than the midlands or you go outside of manchester everyone's racist everyone voted for brexit white people hate you and blah blah obviously as a traveling comedian i know that's

not the case the thing is that like if you're a white person watching tv you may be from an area you don't really see black people that often unless they might play for your local football team or the football team you support or in music which again is still a very juvenile kind of like it's pigeonholed isn't it it's very much pigeonholed and also there's very much you cover with music like music irrespective of race now doesn't really cover a lot of stuff nowadays with music so if every time you see a black person on tv they're just like well i'm here to talk about racism and i'm angry at everyone any normal person would be like well i ain't got i don't even

know this person why are you angry at me you're gonna be you're gonna be a lot more inclined to not to not pay attention to it whereas with comedy if i can tell you about my life and what i do every single day and what's fucked up in my life it's more likely you can see a mutuality between that because everybody grew up watching the fresh prince of Bel-Air and nobody was like, well, I don't know because they're African-Americans from another country and I can't relate to it. It's a dude that's a fish out of water

with his family. Everyone can relate to it. So there's just, that small bit of mutuality makes it easy. It means you see more in common with yourself and other people. Or like when the film like

East is East came out, again, it's like you see mutuality between other people, even though people might recite all the other stuff. Or like even like Four Lions. Like everyone loves that film because it's like, see mutuality between other people even though people might recite all the other stuff or like even like four lions like everyone loves that film because it's like there's just some bumbling guys that are friends you don't even take the time to think about that contextualize that through the eyes of them being muslims it's just funny guys doing stupid shit

so this this country has deprived this entire country of that narrative from black people and the reason why is because if you don't have that discourse at a very binary level of white and black everyone in between that don't get to talk either so they've prevented that for so long

whereas like now people are more adverse to even broach the conversation so much so that liberals if you're a white person and you say the word black on stage

they're like I'm not sure if you can say that oh absolutely so they stifle the conversation that much we're unable to talk because they've robbed you of the nomenclature you need to have conversations with other people I'm not sure if you can say that. Oh, absolutely. So they stifle the conversation that much. We're unable to talk because they've robbed you of the nomenclature you need to have conversations with other people.

And that's the issue. So with me, it's like, I just say to a lot of other comedians is, first of all, we're supposed to be doing observations. So if you're supposed to be making your money, unfortunately, by seeing what happens in our country,

how have you missed all of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's quite, not even from a racial perspective, but it's like, I may not have, I don't have a direct all of this yeah yeah yeah it's quite not even from a racial perspective but it's it's a it's like i may not have i don't have a direct experience of sexism as a cisgender heterosexual man but i can there's enough anecdotes enough stories enough issues whereby i can't deny it exists and as a comedian because i'm supposed to see what other people don't see or see it with a lot more um acumen i should be able to talk about sexism at least that I can see it

but it's like you've got comedians who talk about Beyonce and hip-hop but you've missed all this other stuff about racism and race in this country how have you how have you been able to do both it's it's quite interesting really because we've touched on this one of a million times in conversations about how stand-up should be done and how we want to do it and stuff like that I am a couple years ago just made a decision to start doing the comedy that i would rather watch that rather than what i thought the audience wanted to see from me yeah and i love talking about race on stage and sexism and every like if i could if i can find a funny in anything and it's quite funny the you're if i mentioned black or muslim or sexual assault on stage

anything that can be seen as oh you're a white man and you haven't lived that experience the people who go are other white often middle class people going oh you're not that so you can't do that and then like I put

sort of come in full circle for the section, the Black James Bond bit that I used to do, when I put that on the internet, the amount of black comics who messaged me and were like, mate, this is fucking unbelievable. And the only complaints it's ever got are from, well, there's a few from white men who are like, there shouldn't be a Black James Bond

and you clearly haven't read the books and fuck you. And it's like, yeah, shut up. And then all the middle-class white people go, I don't really think he's in a position to be talking about race and it's like shut up yeah exactly shut up because there's no no one has the right to talk about a phenomenon about race your interpretation of it how else are we going to have the conversation then and the thing is it shows the fact that you are even giving it thought is what puts you above all these other white comics who don't want to make the observation

because it's like you're very happy to stay in your bubble then because you're not making observations that's why everybody in respect to race gravitates towards your bill burrs and people like that because they talk about and it's like going back it's refreshing it's refreshing and it's going back to what i said before well it's these are the things that outside of comedy or art are the things that are dividing people the most so how can you go on stage and talk about what's happening in the world and be like oh i'll just talk about the banal stuff happens in the world and when i go to a retail park and what i leave in my utility drawer and then come off stage and it's life is happening like we're more divided than we've ever been how could you how would you

be able to avoid it it's like you should be finding when liberals are the ones that are throwing those barbs of like wow you can't talk about that you're like that's so counterproductive to say a white guy can't talk about these things because it's not their place to talk about them it basically just ring fences those conversations that are important that's exactly what this is a black man's conversation yeah yeah dane but about that same token and so then what does it what what does it do if i'm a black person talking to other black people about this it's like guys that go on stage and say i'm a feminist i'm a feminist black people about this? It's like guys that go on stage and say, I'm a feminist, I'm a feminist.

Well, why do women need you to tell them that they're equal human beings? It's like, it's what the conversation we were saying, it's like, there's no point in me telling, oh, you women are all right. It's about when I'm around just men and there's no women there and the conversation does move to become a statistic,

then you say something. So in the same way, do you know what I mean? There's no point in me saying it to other women. You're like, oh, all right. So in the same way, do you know what I mean? There's no point in me saying it to other women. They're like, oh, you're like, all right. Well, I don't think, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It would be quite something if you walked into a load of lads like, lads, I know it, stag do,

can't wait for the stag do. Just wanna let you know that I am a feminist before we get going. Yeah. All right, nice one. Cause it doesn't happen, does it? It doesn't happen. They only do it when there's women to be like, oh, thank you.

Yeah. And that's the problem. It needs to be less performative. You've got to like say to your friend, like, you know, just say thank you to a stripper. Honest, thank you. Say thank you. Come here.

Me personally. Come off the pole. I'm a feminist. This is for you. Exactly. No one's doing that But by the same token But for me

That's why the conversation Should be had And like with Adam I do push those things as well Because for me Feminism as a facet of humanism Is about you having a choice And your gender not predisposing

You not having certain choices So for me I will openly talk about Going to strip clubs Or porn and stuff like that Because as long as The women involved In that discussion Are consenting and have made that choice themselves, then that in itself is feminist.

Because if I was to be like, well, talk about it another way, then I'm really I'm slut shaming or I'm doing it from a position of being a chauvinistic male. And I do it in a way, like I kind of challenge people that supposedly hold feminist views and stuff like that as well. Because if I talk about my sexual prowess or like my proclivity with other women or being sex positive i'm doing that under the pretense that as a woman a woman is equally free to be as graphic as crude as overt or explicit when she's discussing her own sexuality like i'm the i'm the kind of comic like if a if a a woman is on stage talking about like menstruation or talking about the more like graphic aspects of it i'm laughing my fucking ass off because i don't think about like there's a woman talking about how womanly functions it's a comedian that's saying some funny shit that's wild and the crowd's going oh my god but you're supposed to have that reaction

anyway you need quite a mature crowd for some of that don't you like to not hear the trigger words yeah and to not be like hey you're not men at no like you that's why i know it's like off the fringe but to hat sometimes at the fringe, it gets held up as this bastion of Tories on holiday. But it is good to talk to a load of people who've watched a bit of stand-up and have got a fucking brain because you often get past that like, ooh, no. You're actually playing to some people who get it.

But also, I quite enjoy, and I've started actually talking about this on stage the past couple of, two sets of the last night. I quite enjoy an I've started actually talking about this on stage the past couple two sets I did last night I quite enjoy an audience going no and then I go no actually

no I'm right and in two minutes you'll actually be like oh okay amazing amazing Bill Burr thing of like

everyone going I disagree and then by the end you sort of agree you're like fuck I do agree with that that's amazing that's the responsibility

of an audience to do that as well though is to also see appreciate the discourse of it of like Adam might say something I don't agree with

but the idea this is not a exchange of agreements and affirmations it's comedy so he might say something I don't agree but that shit was funny

the way he said it that's what's supposed to come down to and sometimes we forget I think people forget that as well is that like it's i've had people say that to me before i don't agree what you said on stage neither do i exactly i don't agree with it

was funny though yeah and that's what that's the thing sometimes it is it's supposed to just be funny like i remember i did a bit i was talking about oh i remember i was talking about reva stinker the whole uh oscar pastore's thing, right? And I was speaking about how they called it a culpable homicide. And I was like, that's not really a thing. It's murder, isn't it? It's like, you know, it's not like rape isn't sex by negligence.

No, that's a line. Trips fell, landed inside. Like, that doesn't happen, right? And again, classic guy, you could imagine the type. He's like, and what's the point of all this? this like what are you trying to say with all this and i was like we're just having the discussion about like and you know the endemic nature of misogyny and sexism but why are you saying that like does i'm like well how do you want me to say it and

also i'm paid to make jokes here so some of it has to be patterned with jokes and the occasional mention of pussy in the set for people to enjoy it so what is it you want if you've come here for a ted talk i'm not that person and the thing is to be quite honest with you that is a contingent of comedy that needs to get the fuck out is that these ted talk comedians these comedians that want you to cry more on stage than you laugh on the stage like do you remember there was about three years ago four years ago before sticks and stones came out yeah just after pat died, when this contingent of comedians started coming in and it was like,

people were leaving shows being like, it was so powerful, I was crying the whole time. That is not a fucking comedy show then. Oh my God. Edinburgh, there was just such a wave of it.

They tried to ruin it again. That is typical of the bourgeoisie, right? They will just move the goalposts where it's like, so now you don't have to make people laugh in a fucking Edinburgh show anymore. Like, what is this? What is i remember being in edinburgh and a friend of mine and a good comic got to the sad bit and then played music underneath i was like

as a comic and it worked people were like oh that is sad but i was like oh come on if you want to get those emotions out of people you want to elicit that feeling from someone. Fuck off, Dan. Don't be nice to them. Fuck them. If you've got fucking £1,200 or you've got £15,000, go to a fucking therapist. Why are you wasting time going to Edinburgh for

to cry every day the same fucking day at the same point? To play music every day and then make somebody at tech have to rehearse that? I'm going to start crying here, so make sure you're in tune. You've got to think about that part as well when he's like where are you every day that is the song that like white divorced men gassed themselves to In their garages Dishes

Live The first time I heard that song I was so hungover And I was like Perfect Something inside of me Has died So perfect

Is it an Edinburgh show? We need A break An hour and five Into a 30 minute section Nice That went long That was

Such a good section I really enjoyed that money cunts hey listen to this this podcast have a word yeah is sponsored

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craft beer discovery club in the UK what's a craft beer discovery club Adam well I'll fucking tell you mate okay what they do is they help number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well.

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and get yourself some bevvies. Third Norton. Hello. Dane, you didn't want a beer. We're going to have a beer. Dan, cheers for the beer. I'm not a beer person, but celebrate life, everybody.

Could I have trouble you for a Patron, a Caffe Patron? Patron XO. Yes, would you like that? Absolutely. Take this glass that was sent to me, which has got three different measures on it. You can choose which measure you like. There's the single measure. Yeah.

The double measure, which is more than double the distance from the bottom. Yeah, yeah. The single is. Nice. And a rowy bags measure, which is my nickname. Can we have one? Finn, do you want one? You want one? I'll have one. Pass it to Finn, buddy. Finn! Yeah, which is my nickname. Can we have one? Finn, do you want one? You want one?

I'll have one. Finn! Yeah, go on, Finn. Bloody hell, you're a bloody lad. One night out in Liverpool last week, and you're a changed bloody man. Vinnie went to Mojo as well. Ah, so jealous last week when you were like,

going on Tuesday. I'll take a first, and then you can just take the bottle. That makes sense. What is it it a lock in bloody hell Daniel no I'm good thank you

oh that is much more than a double that is a large shot that's a good how much is a Stephen Tries spent on that how much is a bottle

of coffee that's about 50 quid yeah they're good they're expensive thank you for that someone's done the YouTube tax form Adam's gone for

an espresso espresso martini it's a big one yeah Good day at the Expo. Thank you for that. Someone's done the YouTube tax form. Adam's gone for an espresso. Espresso martini. Here's a big one. All right. Cheers, boys. Have you filled them? No, because I'm going to the gym and then driving home.

Burn it off. Burn it off. It's all good. Cheers. Salute. Here's to the production team. We've been doing a very good job recently, boys. And it's worth saying on pod. Thank you.

The thing is, you don't have to start it. You can sip it. Sip in tequila so it's so good i said it to get in what part of the country i was in you don't have to have it all at once you can take your time with the drinks we can pace ourselves and you guys are like what's it's gone that's not gonna get your book for a lock-in mate come on i've got some questions pango linguini says barring the whatever username i literally if you sign up to patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod it's like a main line straight to the inbox we get hundreds of emails every week we get less

on the patron so pango linguini has signed up to patreon patreon.com slash every word pod as pango linguine if you sign up as dan's mom's flaps i will read dan's mom's flaps has got a question i mean you you know that someone has just paused the podcast to do it okay cool if we get a new patreon is pango whatever is is anyone else thinking paulo nutini yeah yeah it's yeah yeah okay where is he i've not seen him maybe maybe it's paulo and teeny he's misspelled his name on patreon paulo and teeny says and teeny he's got some new shoes so he's dead pleased about it jar real thank you pango linguine i should leave should we explain this to every guest or should we just not no pango linguine the jar real reference you'll never know but it's if it's been said after you've

just done a joke it's not a good joke um pango i don't even give a fuck what he's called says bar in new york and la what are the top five places in the usa that you'd like to gig what are your top five austin texas austin's probably number one now it's joe on it's joe rogan coming down to that every comic and i'm going to austin to do an open spot it's joe rogan here no he's not oh fuck no but like austin's becoming a proper C Isn't he Yeah So Austin I mean Chicago Maybe but Second C

There's part of me Would like to play Do you know what I mean Like bumfuck Alabama The banjo There's part of me That would like to play I think you tried that

For a couple of weeks The banjo Actually smashed it One comedian So now everyone knows I would like to play Some redneck Louisiana I thought for a couple of weeks that you'd had nothing to crack out. Actually smashed it. One comedian, so now everyone knows. I would like to play some redneck Louisiana backwater. Oh yeah,

we do comedy here every once in a while while people can get here. And don't always go how they want. I'd like the challenge to see if I could make it work. You know? Like I remember Jason Manford

doing the Embassy Club in Manchester when he was on the way up and that was still like, like, Bernard Manning was still alive. The Embassy Club was Bernard Manning's club and he was retired from it.

It was just a rough working class venue, but it still had that mainstream route and Jason Manford was like, I want to see if I can play it without doing their game doing our game which is

you know in theory respect another human being yeah respect like not being sexist racist and still be funny and see if you can get away with it

there'd be an element of like I'd love to play a backwater down south name one I mean like some where's the most backward state?

Like, Mississippi's got some fucking. There we go. Alabama. Mississippi. Alabama. They'll be like, welcome, Dan. I don't know if they'll go for your intellectual comedy on account of you wearing spectacles.

Yeah. Oh, we got ourselves an immigrant. I'm British. I'm white. Oh, you an immigrant, boy. You a long way from Hong Kong. Go ahead, red coat. See what you got.

But I always think that with like the downside, like as a northerner, that we're basically, the North is like to the UK. Yeah, what the South is to the UK. So maybe it work if I just went on and shot a garlic bread. Oh, that's good.

I remember things as well. Cheese and cake. What accent was that? That was Newcastle, Alabama. Cheese and cake. I'm watching some pound cake. Have you performed in America? I have a few times, yeah.

I've done mainly New York, yeah, and a gig in LA. And I did Just for Lost about four years ago. I'd loved Montreal. Yeah, but I was doing it as part of Kevin Hart's LOL Network comedy showcase. But it was just good to be there, man. And yeah, you definitely love it out there.

And they make it a real point of principle to point out that, yeah, the Fringe might be the largest arts festival. This is the largest comedy festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they say, yeah, that's fine. The Fringe be the largest arts festival this is the largest comedy festival yeah so they say yeah that's fine the fringe whatever edinburgh this is the largest comedy festival and it's um it's not as long i think it's like a week instead of a month yeah but uh it's quite edinburgh should be which edinburgh should be already getting it right exactly and it all and just and it's just pretty intense man but yeah i had a great time out there uh got to meet shirrod small and uh tony. I mean, there was loads of guys out there.

Who else? God, his name escapes me. But we went to like a Netflix party and that shit was crazy as well. Tough crowds? I mean, the Montreal Comedy Festival has been going a long time. They know their shit.

They get to see superstars and the big names on the way up are they are they really friendly or are they hardened by the fact that they've seen such quality what was it like as a crowd um i think they're um fair they're fair in the right way yeah i think they're fair in the right way because some of the shows i did the shows i did were all international comic sales like i think i was out there with uh film b tez was out there bobby mayer was out there then they had uh the dude who used to open for seinfeld with the glasses ryan hamilton no might be it might be him actually alexander hamilton not alexander hamilton have you seen

hamilton i have seen hamilton do you like it i loved it yeah i loved it let's wrap this up boys I still think I supported your banjo dream it's really good you really enjoy it and fucking hell what a nice place to be as well as a city Montreal

I had a conversation with my agent recently and he was like so because I've got a new guy now and he was like so what do you want to do and i went stand up that's all you need to concentrate on i don't want to be on any of the panel shows like if they want me great i'll do it yeah yeah but i don't care yeah i don't absolutely like i want to do the apollo because it's stand up there's a new stand-up show i want to do it i said i want to do just last montreal and i want to do stand up everywhere i can that's the priority everything else is by the by we've made our own panel show yeah exactly the

fuck would you want to be on a panel show where you've got like like the the producers telling you what you can and can't say we're sat here doing a fucking quote and then you got you get like free you get like a whole press pack where you've got to do prep to make sure that your stuff is topical and on point. And then somebody else from a reality show that's going to be on the same panel as you, and they've got to be something like, my fanny itch is sometimes,

everyone's like, ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah. And you're trying to squeeze a part out, and they're like, I'm not sure if you can see it. You're not allowed to say, Prit Patel's killed three nuns this week.

Guys. We fact checked that. That's not true. Yeah, yeah. I think we should actually, at some point, I know like, I keep coming up with

new branches for the have a word so I want us to do have a word law have a word research have a word cancer treatments I want us to do

everything it's taken us three months to decorate a room next door Adam's like we'll start a TV company that's how we'll go I do want us to do

I want us to do a panel show I think we could absolutely nail it. I believe so too. Who's hosting it though? Aren't you two captains? We'd be captains.

I'm out. This is the panel show I want to do. I don't want to do a panel show, I think. Okay, well then I'll host it. I don't enjoy watching them. I think it's really stifled, fake banter. Like, oh oh we bought up like it's me

like me but you're judging it based on TV standards we don't have to do that yeah do you know what I mean right we could give it a go

we can say naughty things yeah that we actually think and people actually agree believe with yeah yes naughty

do you know what you were saying as well Adam in terms of like the ones who stand up I feel like they're very similar to myself I'm not sure if you agree so you know What you were saying as well Adam In terms of like Once you do stand up I feel like It's very similar with myself I'm not sure if you agree So you know you get comics

Like Australian comics They may not be here Throughout most of the year But they come to do the fringe And they do the numbers At the fringe And they do the numbers At this festival

And that festival Do you think that's something That British comics Are able to do internationally I find that people Come to this country To kind of have Somewhat of a career

Just doing live stand up Yeah But whereas And we do go over to like melbourne and stuff like that but it's like the kits and sort of david o'doherty level yeah they're basically you do festival comics yeah yeah because i because i could do that and i'd be happy doing that right and rather have just have a concentrated contingent of comedy fans and audience members at a festival as opposed to this i think spending another five ten years just trying to navigate the states for example i so i i would never want to go right i'm doing okay in the uk let's go and live in the states for five years and hope for the best yeah but what i would like to do is use the internet to amass sort of like slosses yes and I can now, I might be able to do 2,000 to 4,000

tickets in Liverpool and maybe 1,000 tickets in all of the major cities in the UK but I can do 100 in New York, I'd wait for that I'd wait to do 100, 110 200 maybe you'd be pushing it in New York, smash Conan a few

times, yeah just like dip in and then like go over for like, I don't know, maybe say I've got a date in New York and Philly and Boston and Austin and LA and that's it. I'd go over for two weeks before it and I would do the clubs and get America fit and then do those hours where I've... And I'll be in bumfuck Alabama working for the equivalent of 80 quid.

It all feels very familiar. That's a sort of... Not just a career I'd be happy with, but that's sort of like a dream is to be able to go to America and turn up and go, five tour dates, see you later. Yeah, exactly. But also do a week in the clubs in New York

and maybe a week in LA. Just be there and meet other comics. And American comics, when you meet the top level guys, as you know, they tend to be quite sound and if you're good. Yeah, of course.

Like over here at times, there's a sort of derision from the experienced comics to new good comics because they see you as a threat yeah they don't over there yeah just like this guy's a fucking murderer get him on stage yeah i just feel more and it's a weird thing especially because the uk comics they they probably have superior so far as this part of the eastern hemisphere even like you can go to continental Europe

and still have get work out there you can go to Australia New Zealand and still have a career without even having touched in the Americas and it's kind of like

why are they so upset about it because most comics they even know like even most comics I kind of started with probably don't know you can make a decent

like there are some comics though they go to Australia from like February to May they're making about six figures before they even come back yeah and that's that carl donnelly's that's where he is right now i'm not saying he's making six figures but carl donnelly was on the gala in melbourne wasn't he and like i mean he's an exceptional comic that i think should be further on but absolutely yeah he's got his life settled because he's with an australian lady and they've had kid, but you also need a life that can be mobile.

Yeah. Because not all of us, like, I've been to New Zealand a few times. If I said to Laura, we should go, where we should go is Australia from February to, like, whatever, May, and then do New Zealand. It's just not everyone's life, is it? No, but also, I feel like maybe it is different. I don't know what your relationship is like like the intricacies of it but i i always when i start dating someone like with my ex-girlfriend i made it very clear to start i've done the same with sam and i you know i'd hope to be with sam

forever i i you hear that sam i you hear that confessing that love in front of all of these cisgender heterosexual men that's some real fucking balls i don't know but if he's going away for a year but like but i would have no problem going look i'm going to america for six to eight weeks and if you want to come great if you can't great but i am going six to eight weeks because that is something i've been working towards since 2010 yeah that's not quite the same as the Australian festival tour, though. I totally agree. Which I won't do. If I said six or eight weeks to Laura, I'd be like,

this could be a huge game changer in terms of my career. But those festival comics, by doing Edinburgh and then maybe doing a small tour, Soho Theatre, and then by after Christmas, they are looking to the Antipodean festivals.

Yeah, yeah. It's a whole different way of life. That is a single man's game, basically, to be like, off to Adelaide, and it's a whole different way of life like that is a single man's game basically to be like off to adelaide and it's basically five months out of the country yeah there's not many relationships where they'd be like sound that's just not what i want anyway i think a lot of it comes down to to go back to your original question is what you want yeah from comedy and your career and your life and if i'm totally honest i want to be great exactly at stand-up comedy and the thing is you learn that greatness and goodness are not the same thing

no because as i'm also working towards greatness i find myself the ability to be good to like people you're close to like you said being around for a partner or friends understanding what you're doing or where you're going can be very difficult and then people turn out you've changed you know like yeah because my old self was rubbish and working at a desk. So that's why I had to. Otherwise, at this age now, I'd be having a nervous breakdown or I would have killed one of my colleagues. So...

There's a balance then to not... I often go hand in hand as well. Yeah. There is a balance, though, to not immerse yourself to the point where you can't function outside of it. Yeah. Like, we've talked about this today can't function outside of it. Yeah. Like we've, we talked about this today.

We've talked about it a lot. Like once you get a taste of success and you've got a lot of promoters that want you, you can fill your life with gigging. And I've watched great comics after a while attain success. And then every story they've got is like, Oh, I was at this gig.

You're like, Oh, you've forgotten to live your fucking life here, mate. I've been close. And you sleep. And the thing is you sleep walk into it you don't even notice because it's what is it uh the way the rock johnson is like you know you can eat a gourmet meal but you still remember what hunger feels like yeah so it's even like you know you come off the stage with the apollo you'll still be like what's next but it's it's it's that yeah i think the last year

particularly for me i'll tell you actually it was kobe that did it for me I was like you know you got everything I could possibly so far as material like you know wealth and the respect of your peers and greatness like I can't think of a better example of epitomizing greatness than like Kobe Bryant a wonderful family just like that and I was like well that's how easy it can go so you know the one and it's like the one thing he wants to have now he can't. So it's kind of like, you know, in your- Enjoy it. Yeah, you have to enjoy it, yeah, in your quest for greatness. I was saying the whole YOLO thing now.

I've become very, very conscious in the past year. And, you know, due to the fact that this podcast is doing well and it makes money and it can largely pay the bills to a decent extent. Like, it's given me a freedom to go, first of all, I can take a weekend off a month to spend time with my girlfriend and go, yeah, once a month I'm yours.

On a weekend, we can do whatever you want and we'll sort it out or whatever. Or maybe I'll take two months off and the other weekend I'm doing something with mates. But it's not only to keep the people in my life happy and that, it's also because I started doing this shit when I was 18. And I had a couple of jobs.

And I had a couple for the first couple of years while I did stand-up. But I've got very little lived experience. I can't truly go on stage and talk about what it's like to work in the office and the humour around living and jobs and stuff. Because this has been my life for a decade, 11 years in June.

I need to experience some shit so I can relate to normal people. Cause I haven't had a normal 20 year old. There's a lot of comments that can't do that, particularly in this country. Yeah. When that happens, you tend to, I said to you about a year ago,

I need a story in me act. Yeah. Cause my 20 minute club set was 20 minutes of opinions that i backed up with here's why i think it and it was very it was working really well and i was you know gigs flying in and whatever but i was like i want to tell someone what's happened i want to be able to go this happened recently so and i didn't have that at all and it was then it doesn't make you a better comic does it just just gigging yeah doesn't make you a better comic does it just gigging doesn't make you a better comic you're not living your life

to then report on it like you were talking about before it's not just about seeing like for me I'm less of a topical sort of satirical comic I'm like

my life stories funny shit that's happened or whatever if I don't live my life you run out of stuff to talk about yeah that's it it's just kind of one feeds into the other kind of thing and but again that's really a part of the payoff of comedies there's that relativity which is why if you come from a small cabal of people from a

particular socio-economic group you're not going to be able to this is i mean we talk about british comics that do well in australia one of the reasons why their progress is stifled in someone like the americas is comedy's power in this country is held by such a small group of people who come from such a specific socio-economic group and you know the same kind of educational system when they relay their experiences the rest of us are like which is why they do so much surreal comedy that's why so much of their stuff is whimsical because if they make normal observations like the rest of us the rest of us will be like yeah so that's why all their stuff is about being surreal as opposed to actually dealing with reality where the internet is such a fucking godsend yeah it's a

great leveler but and that's why you find so many comics in this country they reach a plateau whereby and that's why i i mean like you know i spoke to jimmy car about the whole thing about going to the states and stuff because he used to do uh uh open for lewis ck yeah and he was saying like the time it takes to like you know transverse the entirety of the states as a landmass and stuff like it would take you another 10 years really to be an established comic from making your name on the road but that's and that's also one of the reasons why american comics when they do nail it for their specials because it's been honed on the road for so long that's why it's so fucking airtight whereas this country like we get to a point wherebyby If we're honest Like a large amount

Of the offering you get From TV stations In this country And the people that We see all the time It's a very very private joke Whereas going so far As to say that

Some of the more Critically acclaimed Comedy vehicles We've seen recently It's like Fleabag I like it And I like Phoebe Waller-Bridge

But I know most people Didn't watch it Because so many people Have learnt That the BBC Doesn't really provide For their needs Comedically

That they just Don't really watch it And needs comedically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they just don't really watch it. And that's not saying it's not good, but most people were just like, I mean, I love Fleabag. Yeah, yeah. But in terms of stand-up, in terms of stand-up,

we've been saying this for ages, the BBC is not what HBO and Netflix has been in America. Nowhere near. When you, who did we just watch? Did we just watch Johnny Pelham's live at the apollo and johnny pelham's fucking amazing well that i don't know maybe i'm talking out of turn but it felt like a producer gone do that bit from your edinburgh show absolutely that's the bit that

we want and then that's really pushing their narrative isn't it that's not just going you're great do what you do ah we really want to push this narrative and that's exactly what they do a lot of the time as well there's so much doctrine and authoring and in and i think a lot of people don't realize that it's not when you're having somebody begin to dilute or doctor your sense of your work it's not like an openly aggressive confrontation they're like well why don't we try this and if you just make it look this way it'd be a lot easier for us to get fast and you want to be you want to be like um you don't want to be um like controversial and you want to kind of like work alongside people,

especially when you've had your first opportunities and a lot of comedians kind of fall into this trap. Whereas I'm like, no, I think I'll do it my way. But yeah, and then this is where

like for people on the other side of the curtain don't understand what these accusations of people being divas and perfectionists come from is because they want to hold on to that because the punter

is not watching that show being like, that producer fucked it up for Johnny. No, no, no. Yeah, exactly. 100%. Yeah. Do you know who Jelly Cinnamon is? to that because the punt is not watching that show being like i produced a for johnny no yeah exactly 100 percent yeah do you know who jerry cinnamon is the singer songwriter from glasgow jerry cinnamon he smashes it so he's not really like traditional route is he not at all he got big off uh sort of online stuff on facebook and a couple of clips just going mad and he's now but he's got a song called Campfire Vampire

and when I first this is how I really like this one and then I seen him perform it live and he said this next song is for anyone

starting out in the music industry don't feel the need to pull your pants down for anyone you don't need anyone and then he sung it and then I listened

to the lyrics properly so the lyrics are stay away from the campfire don't be playing for the vampires because one bite and you never come home and what he's saying is like that looks all shiny and great over there that campfire yeah it's all warm and it's hot and stuff and it's great but you're playing for the industry and once you start doing that you'll never get back to what you actually want to do i'll give you a perfect example that would be no clock who's that oh yeah yeah so he's the guy who was again a

part of what i call the drama school to like bafta's pipeline um where it's like all of these stories that are like palatable to like middle class liberals and all of his films are like called shank and scare and basically going for urban dictionary is using him as working titles for all of his films south london drama school yeah basically yeah exactly that and then he's like even the word kiddo i'm like that used to be a teenager or an adolescent why are we even introducing this new way of men being able to be pedophiles because most pedophiles are the guys that pull up to like school gates in their 30s or in their late early 20s to pick up 15 year old girls in

like voxel courses and stuff and they were like no she's not she's a kiddo she's not a kid she's a kiddo kind of do you know what i mean that's it was all very dodgy that he was in his 30s playing like a teenage kid and then people end up being surprised that he turns out to be this guy who's been bullying and like harassing people the whole time and for me it's like i don't deny that and i'm not any kind of victim blamer as well but i'm like, I don't like this idea of singularity on these Me Too things. It's like, that guy, and all of us have been around

guys that have had power within our industry, he don't walk by himself. Like, when we see the guys that we hear stories about later on, they're not by themselves

in the loft bar or anything like that. Like, they've got little entourages and shit around them. So when people are like, we've got to get rid of him. Well,

if you need to get rid of this guy who uses power to take advantage of maybe mediocre women. There's a lot more on that fucking list. There is a lot more on that of maybe there's a lot more on that fucking list there's a lot more on that list there's a lot more on that list you know in the entourage where the when the accusation starts flying the entourage gets a lot smaller well yeah exactly but yeah the whole the campfire thing it does ring very true man because i find i've seen it particularly

for a lot of black comics who are my predecessors where they've been the darling of Edinburgh and been taking in with the whole thing and the whole BBC support for ideas. And literally they turn 40 and then it's like, yeah, of no use to us anymore. And then they're found in the wilderness, not being able to get any work because they, they are happy to give over their idea. And it will tell me over to,

rather than holding onto their creative control. If you're not making it how you want, then once they finish making it how they want, they're like well we're done with you now we'll just find someone even more malleable than you are and even more younger and impressionable than you are as well and like i said when you're permanently turned now you're not able to relate to your original audience that liked you in the first place that's why we've had conversations with people about this podcast where people are like we could get you involved with a b and c and we're like yeah well you want to give us a boss this is it

this is it it's that's I feel like that's that whole centralised control of things is a and the erosion of that is one of the best parts

of like the internet in terms of creativity this last year and a half has just just the whole thing has been accelerated hasn't it really feels like it

and it's true people forced to be at home going wow I can't go and do a meeting and I can't go and do a meeting and i can't go and do a gig and i can't go and do a showcase well i might as well get on zoom or get on a podcast and like all of a sudden like the qualities found it's back to creating where the inspiration for your creativity is only because you want to because you haven't got parents that are putting

your putting your money for you to do it anymore like you saw the difference when lockdown first happened the community were like can you give me a bit of money to get a cup of coffee and blah blah blah you could tell the people that are used to like having people supplement their career but those of us are used to like if i don't go and gig i don't make no money yeah some stuff yeah it's some stuff we have to be a little more innovative and be like we understand that there is an exchange of our goods or services yeah for money where these guys are like well give me money just to be myself and you know continue living how i live it's like what are you giving these people i can't afford anything i'm living at my parents yeah but it's really difficult yeah i know exactly which one person

there's many of them like him but i think it's all even there's a certain level of quality control and curation even with the internet which is surprising because was it um i want to say sarah cooper was that her name the american girl yeah the american girl is surprising because was it um i want to say sarah cooper was that her name the american girl yeah the american girl is in the lip syncing yeah and then they gave her a netflix special yeah and then it didn't really go anywhere nothing against her but it's like who where was it gonna be longevity and someone doing lip syncing yeah yeah lip syncing videos are great it's one of those things where the content that, well, I haven't watched the whole special, but I've seen people talk about it where they're like,

she's got some really, really great online videos that are dead funny. And Netflix have clearly gone, this is where I can give her something. It was a sketch show pilot. Yeah. Because I really like her stuff on the internet. She's great.

But I've also, just through that, watched a bit of a stand-up. And I mean, this is a dig but it's probably reminiscent of the london scene where there's a lot of and it's not the campfire it's more like uh sort of the clique of new comics playing for new comics or alternative comics for playing alternative comics i watched her at a few gigs in lond was like New York And she was playing to Back slapping alternative new comedians And they're like It's not It wasn't great

And that That Netflix special Looked like it should have been A 22 minute Sketch show pilot That then Then got worked on And it was an hour and something long

You're like This isn't as good As your fucking TikToks Yeah Well TikToks don't last that long and so it's like kind of like with open mic where we've all done gigs where someone's been able to kind of blag a five minutes based on them having a prop or being quirky enough to distinguish themselves from most of us comedians but we all ask ourselves could we listen to that

for an hour no can you close the frog it's also great when someone and there's a few people who sort of uh managed to nail this uh but there's a few people who sort of uh managed to nail this uh but there's a few people who really fucking haven't who've had a bit of success from doing the little this is what my girlfriend's like two two phone camera and then they go going on tour and then like three weeks into the tour it's like the tour has been delayed until until i'm good at stand-up. Basically, yeah. Yeah. And for those of you out there, for a few dollars,

myself, Adam or Dan can make your shit tighter too. So get in touch. We have no problem with ghostwriting. That whole YouTube reality comedy, like there's a whole new revenue stream that I'm sure we could be making money from. Yeah, we are available.

Let's do a tutorial. I don't know why I'm spitting a dick there. I'm just having available. Let's do a tutorial. I don't know why I spinned a dick there. I'm just having fun. Shall we do a have a word? Because we've done, I mean, this has been a lot. Let's do one thing that we're meant to do. I want to have a word. I'm coming towards the end of the beer.

It's been an absolute pleasure. I feel like starting a revolution because I've talked to Dane for 45 minutes. We're all part of it, man. The new wave, new comics. Help yourself to more Patron if you would like it. Go on then. Have a word.

Lids, brother is a grass. Hiya, Lids. Can you have a word with my brother? Oh, before we start, can I tell you, I learnt yesterday where grass comes from.

Do you know where it comes from, Carl? No. Do you know where it comes from, Finn? How about you, Dane? Do you definitely not know, Carl? No. Do you know where it comes from? Do you know where it comes from, Carl? No. Do you know where it comes from, Finn? How about you, Dane? Do you definitely not know, Carl? No. Do you know where it comes from? No.

It's Cockney rhyming slang for grasshopper. Well, grasshopper is the rhyming slang for shopper because you would shop your mating to the cops and show them some grass.

So what shop? What's the... Shops like shop your mating, like give them to the police. Yeah. Shop somebody in. Yeah. So what shop? What's the... Shops like... Shopping meeting. Like, give them to the police. Yeah. Shop somebody in. Yeah. So you're a shopper

or a grasshopper. A grass. All right, cool. Eyelids, can you have a word with my brother? He's a right grasshopper. The hedgerony corner. He's a right grasshopper. We've been working in home base together

for the last couple of months and last week this bellend saw a 16-year-old who's just doing work experience vaping in the staff room and decided to go and grass her up

to the boss he's leaving to join the police next month so maybe he's trying to get some cunt practice in that's such a wonderfully written

sentence he's leaving to join the police next month so maybe he's trying to get some cunt practice in but can you have a word with him

and get him to change his ways? Cheers, Ben Robinson, up the toffs. Yes. Yes, Ben. Yes. Yes, Ben. Up the toffs.

I mean, it doesn't take much, this one, does it? What a fucking horrible, bad gimp. Yeah. Yeah. I bet she wasn't fit. I bet 100% That she isn't smoking hot Around the back of her home base

Like Toot toot Toot toot Or she's super fit And he never got to find out What that mouth do So he's like Your head went then

Yeah He's got that mouth do Find out what that mouth do In my head She looks great man She's smoking like I don't know Dick with a Q-U-E

Flavour of a She's smoking, like, I don't know, dick with a Q-U-E flavour of vapour. She's like, just another home-based hottie. I really fucking love a turn of phrase that I haven't heard before, you know? Like, find out what that mouth do. Superb. Last week, do you know, we had Paul and Laurie in.

Well, Laurie was at Hot Water Comedy Club with her dad, Ron, who was mentioned on the podcast. Sounds like a geezer. And he was talking about the time when he was in prison. And he was like, you know, I was saying to my dad, you know, I've got to go to prison. And my dad's done a bit of porridge. And I'd never heard the phrase, done a bit of porridge before.

Oh, the TV show Porridge. Yeah. But it's very outdated, isn't it? He wasn't in the TV show Porridge. No, but like, Porridge for Prison is a very old school thing. He's done a bit of Porridge. It's just so... Yeah, it's lovely.

Ah, such a good thing for beer. That's got me rhyming slang as well, right? Is it Porridge? Porridge. Is it? Yes, going to do some research. Porridge. Who's doing...

Are we all just looking at each other? I thought we had to guess. Porridge. Found that what Scousers say kettle for watch. I don't know what that is. Kettle and hob. Kettle and hob. Hob.

Watch. That's why we say kettle. What's webs? I think it's kettle. Oh, I've burnt me cock for a clock. You know what it is? Jarrel. Porridge is literally the same.

Do you eat porridge? Jarrel. Do you eat porridge do you eat porridge I tell you what in prison mate okay look at Finn

it wasn't funny but it was factual oh that was this is a great yeah yeah no banter here yeah your mate is

horrible fucking grass and gim brother brother even worse this is your brother horrible fucking grass and gim and he's going to work

for the po-po it's even worse yeah it's bad man tell your brother that police doesn't mean just it means policy

so you know you're enforcing policies so just remember that you know and all these other liberals that want to fucking you know humanise the police

they used to punch people up just for being gay about 60 years ago so how moral are they fucking really less you're right so fuck the police they really used to do that yeah i mean because homosexuality was illegal so

if two dudes were holding hands walking down the street in the 60s the police would have come up the gay bashing like if you speak to those older dudes and like peter thatcher would have stories the dude from stonewall right the leader of stonewall he'll he'll have the stories of pre more liberal and like pre-legislation like if you were a gay dude in this country like

1967 but I reckon what how many like it doesn't like the law changes and everyone's like ah we're sound with it

the police are like oh that's fine is it like I've had stories of stuff like where like trans women have been in prison with other men or like

non-binary or gay men. And, like, CEOs, like, parading them around the wing and stuff like that. Like, human trafficking and shit. So, I mean, me personally, my thing with the police is, like, they are worse than everybody else in that, look, if one of my friends, like, if my friend is committing a crime i might warn him about something and if his crime is going to cause harm and loss to another human being i either have to reprimand that person or report that person if you're a police officer you're within the institution

that's supposed to do that so more than anybody else you should be the most angry of all civilians about when someone in your own ranks commits a crime because they are taken away from your whole on you yeah from you and your whole institution of justice it's no it's no good being like oh he's a bad egg isn't he yeah i mean i mean and it's true there are a lot of good put the loads of good police but you have to hold because you're in a position of trust and power absolutely the the your the weakest link in also the idea of your motivations for joining law enforcement is that you enforce an idea of morality more than anybody else. But then, you know,

then when your prime minister is slapping up his baby mother, then, like, he's still free, so I don't know. That guy sounds like a terrible person. Like, also, vaping doesn't even hurt anybody. Like, why be a dick? I think we're going to find out one day that vaping is, like,

the most dangerous thing in the world. It might be coming. It's putting water into your lungs it's not it's not good for you it can't be good it's not it's not a free pass

is it definitely not a free pass I mean they're struggling to find what it is but you know it's not a free pass but everyone's like

they can't find anything it tastes so good like it's a Robocop cigarette that tastes like raspberry there's gotta be something not right about it. They are so fucking addictive.

I smoked when I was young and quitting smoking was easy because I was just like, it's disgusting. I wasn't as addicted as some people. When I have ended up vaping, do you remember? Like over Christmas I was vaping. The fucking strength of will it takes to get rid of vaping because it's not disgusting yeah it tastes like raspberries in air you don't get that after you don't get after you get if you get like

a pink lemonade one it's like and also this is and i probably shouldn't tell people this but fuck it they don't set off smoke alarms on flights so you can smoke them in the toilet they set off smoke alarms in hot water though. Apparently, apparently, airplanes are less fucking sensitive. I was there when that happened. Hot water is so funny. When I was in hot water, someone veeped and set the alarms off

so I had to evacuate mid-set. And then on the way out, he was vaping in the corridor and I was like, this is you, you stupid cunt. Turn it off. He's like,

all right, yeah. But it tastes like plastic. When you smoke and you're going off, like, you know, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. Right, yeah. But it tastes like plastic. When you smoke and you're going off it, like, you know it's... Wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa. Right, okay.

Let me... Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Draymond's here. Draymond's here.

Whoa! Let me try and understand something. Go on. It's not smoke that comes out of a vape, is it? No, it's a vapor. So why is that setting off a smoke detector? I don't know, I've spent it.

Yeah. Good question. I think you need to take this up with the companies that sell smoke detectors. I don't think even smoke alarms are like

perfect technology. It's really just like it's something to do with some kind of the size of a Something changes in the air. Yeah, something changes in the air yeah something changes in the air

and it can go atmosphere also sexual tension sexual tension woo woo so if you and a woman are under a smoke alarm

or a man you and a man disgusting and you're looking at him thinking I'm pansexual or a non-binary person Dan

if we're going to include everyone yeah alright Dane so you you're Ben there you and a non-binary homosexual are stood in front of each other. And in your, there's only tension,

so you haven't said it, but you're thinking, I'd love to suck his bum hole. And he's like, I'd love him to suck my bum hole. He's like, I want to use his face for a futon sofa. Uh-huh.

What would that position be called? What? At the be called? What? At the same time? The Capri Sun without a straw. I like that. It should be called that. The Frube.

How does he think of it that quickly? The Frube is good. The Capri Sun without a straw. You've got your book there. There you go. Yeah, it's in there.

It's page one. Grown in crayon. A Capri bum, if you will. Yeah. A Capri bum. Capri bum. What's Dan's in there. It's page one. Grown in crayon. A Capri bomb, if you will. Yeah, a Capri bomb. Capri bomb. Watch Danes move. We've got the ball. I don't.

I've got to move. I just have to think about Jeff Norfolk being a Tory. What's your birthday? My birthday is the 3rd of September. We used to have a positions book, but it's gone, and now it's been replaced with an air conditioning manual. And I don't think it's going to end up

being a social media clip there it is there it is there it is what's your birthday so this is the sex position of the day oh cool

is that what the Moore magazine used to do for young girls I'm not sure we just got sent it in the post CBeebies magazine

so the day my nan died was the 27th of December and that was called the everything's gonna be alright What's your birthday? The position of the day, 3rd of September September number 3 Oh it's the institutional racism

Typical That's weird It's called the breast exam The breast exam. A little squeeze of a test? The breast exam. Because nothing gets a lady moister than calling a position after checking for lumps.

What's she holding on to there? A pull-up bar that she's fucking handcuffed to. My job is just to interrupt, to go to accost a woman at the gym and interrupt a workout. Yeah. I might graciously decline that one. You'd assume that permission's been asked.

How are you guys in terms of boobs? Is that a point of attraction for you? Have you got boobs in my face? I'm a boob man. I like them. I prefer the bum. Me too. My wife's boobs are about to pay £60,000.

They're going to pay out £60,000. Did you hear about the story about the old... You're like a freight machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get three nipples... I'm going to keep trying. Basically, Dan's missus, one of her tits exploded, but it was someone else's fault.

Honestly, it's spot on. It's dangerously abridged. Like an implant exploded. Yeah. She's one of the thousands of ladies that just found out after eight years of... PIP. Yeah.

Oh, shit. She okay though, right? I mean, she wasn't when the tit exploded. Then she got a new tit. She was in the tilling, I was there. Oh, shit. Really? Yeah.

Did it... No. She didn't lie. Sorry, love. Clean up on our floor. This woman's tits gone. But she is okay. She's great.

And how are you doing? I'm going to be 60,000 pounds better off soon. Love them, did it? She's using part of the money to get the implants taken out. It's a difficult thing, isn't it? That's what I'm asking. I don't care about the money. How do you feel about the, isn't it? That's what I'm asking. I don't give a fuck about the money. How do you feel about the breasts changing, Dan?

That's what we all want to know. She's getting smaller boobs. She's getting the implants taken out. And her new ones put back in? I don't think so. Trouble in paradise. Are we on a public episode? Okay, good.

I just reminded me. Why don't they just pump tits up when they want them bigger i would love to just press that door and just and just literally just literally like the end of the sopranos everyone to be watching how did that end then you know like a football pump what's the end of it sticking in just go uh surely they're just like i think they can do that sometimes like they go via the armpit. Yeah. But I think it varies. You said your wife had PIP before, right?

Because that was like the classic one they had before. And I think they've moved on to like, that was like the early silicone, but now they've got like the saline, which is more like, I guess- And if you did it with helium, you'd be flozy tits. That'd be great. I'm not sure.

There might be other problems though. But yeah, if you walk through a bramble bush, where's Laura? Like a fucking balloon that you've let go of. I've only heard of one guy getting pectoral implants. I think that he was on Big Brother or something. Oh, I know you mean the one with Ken. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd be tempted to get bicep ones. Damn, did your missus have... I can't't wait for that Did your missus have breast implants She was 19 And she Her mum took a picture of her the night before The boob job Because it wasn't a I want to be a stripper My mum wants some teddy

She was She just didn't have much boob and her gran gave her the money. She wanted to have augmentation, that's all that matters. And my wife has got a bootay. So she was all bootay and no tatay.

And it wasn't because she wanted, like if you met Laura, she doesn't get them out or anything. Like, I don't know. Do you know what I mean? I'm not meeting her. She's an upstanding lady. All right.

Nice to meet you. Let me tell you something, Dan. If she did, I would greet her in the same way I'd greet any one of my friends and colleagues' partners. If I met your missus and she took the titties out, maybe a nice little bar in the nipple. This is Dan. And I would be like, absolute pleasure to meet you.

So she's having them taken out, and that means there will be a last night of my wife's big boobs. And I don't know. Did they give you them to take home? No, I don't think that's going to be the enjoyment of it. Like, let's go to bed. I'll bring your boobs. What are they, in this drawer?

Motorboating myself. No, but couldn't you put them on the mantelpiece? Yeah. Next to granddad. Nana, granddad, and your two tits. Here's a better question, Dan. Now your house is on fire, which one do you save?

That's a good question. There you go. Ashes or the titties? Yeah. I'll probably go with the titties. If the house is on fire, well, surely that's not going to really damage the ashes anymore.

That's true. I'll come back for you. They're still going to be... That's true. they've already been through been through that that's true yeah so they're pretty much flame resistant really when you think about it the last thing you should say from a house fire is the ashes of a relative that's true yeah but if you then after the house fire has died down and the fire you're gonna be like let's go and get nana and granddad and you'll have a bit of ikea furniture a bit of carpet goldfish so you so dan you but do you which are granddad actually cremated uh yeah my mom was cremated my nana and granddad yeah we're from a family of burners so you you keep the ashes.

Fuck me. I hope none of my loved ones watch this episode. If you were a Rastafarian, that would be more than appropriate to say. So don't even worry about it. Yeah. Exactly. So you go.

It's all good. But he isn't. He is. But they can also be a family of meth heads. So they can also be a family of meth addicts. How dare you assume that my family's not Rastafari? I couldn't even say it properly. So that's probably a giveaway. Rastafari.

Wish Ishan was here. You are literally the opposite of a Rastafari. Yeah. You're the yang to the yin that is. I disagree, Dan is I disagree Dan I disagree but I fit in in Norway my grandad was committed

they played you'll never walk alone while it was burning hack yeah Scouts hack that yeah

and er me is his er his nephew who's an Everton fan wore a Liverpool top

especially because he was like I might be an Everton fan but Vinny's dead that is love yeah if you're wearing a football kit to a funeral

have a fucking word it's in the bath not even not even this season's kit yeah 06 07 they cope how they cope, Dan. My ma is buried.

I mean, Anne's buried. They share a grave. They've got the same fucking cubbyhole. I think it's interesting that... It's interesting because, like, obviously you guys, you know, you believe in burial rites for somebody, but maybe not in an afterlife. That's why I was asking, like, you know...

I believe in an afterlife. Oh, you believe in an afterlife. I's why I was asking like you know I believe in an afterlife you believe oh you believe in an afterlife I don't have a a religion that I follow but I'm quite open minded to the idea of there being a beyond but

yeah what were you laughing about me mum and me nan sharing a cupboard I don't know I just love sometimes I have these just room for one more

you know you know in a relationship sometimes nothing's happened and you look at your message and you go, ah, I fucking love you. Sometimes when I look over at her, she's like,

my mum and my little buff buried to the same spot. The question is, why isn't your grandad in the old? No, no, no. Who's top bunk? What? No, side by side.

Is it? No. Is it not? No, they stack them on top of each other. Who's top bunk then? Well, my nan was buried first, so I assume she's bottom. Yeah.

Because I don't think they go, let's get Kathy out, and then we'll put Anne in, and then, I don't think they do that. Like, like oven trays. Yeah.

It's like the last 10 minutes. So there's another bunk left. Wow. There's another bunk left. There's one bunk left. Who are you thinking? Who's on the shortlist? I mean,

it's, it, it's too close to asking Adam are you going to kill in your family next who's next well

I would have imagined it would be my grandad but we've burnt him now so it's not him too late yeah was that at a funeral

or burnt sounds so much worse than cremated he's been a right knob but yeah burnt sounds so much worse than cremated yeah

you just did it until he died and it was like, next time have my money. How much is a fucking funeral? Right? Davey, get the fucking petrol. Here you go,

granddad. I could fit in there. No, you could fit him in. Yeah, we could. Yeah. I don't really know where he is.

I don't know where they've, I think he wanted to be scattered on anfield yeah i don't know whether we ever got around to doing it do they yeah i think they do no they definitely stopped it they stopped it yeah no but they didn't can they really stop it yeah like if you like in shawshank adam's just walking around and like fucking if you get enough of a run up And just launch it over

The main stand I could definitely see people Can everyone stop Throwing the grandad's ashes On the pitch Thank you Not like during a match I mean just go down

On a Tuesday And throw it over Right Do you know I feel disrespectful If you miss innit Why And he just like

Hits the side And just Scatters it And then he'll be on the wall Forever There he would Yeah Kerry Dalgleish Where do you want to be Scattered Adam isn't it why and he just like hits the side and just scatters down he'll be on the wall forever there you are Dan yeah Kenny Dalgleish

where do you want to be scattered Adam Kenny Kenny Jürgen Grandad oh no that's bird shit sorry

I thought that was where do you want to be scattered I don't want to be burned because I'm worried that like, you've got to preserve your body

as best you can for the afterlife. Like just in case, I don't want to die and get to heaven and God will be like, you're just a pile of ash. Referencing Dane's tattoos, Adam wants to be mummified. I don't want to be mummified,

but I want to be buried because I feel like, you know, you just never know. You do. you don't you're dead what if you turn up at the pearly gates and you're a big pile of ash and god's just like peter get the brush lad get into that right i mean right that's a good point isn't it how'd you go to heaven i feel like how you i feel like there's a about six million jews who was dealt with the same dilemma to be fair they weren't getting in the pearly gates anyway about six million Jews who were doing it. Who dealt with the same dilemma. To be fair, they weren't getting in the pearly gates anyway.

Oh my days. Were they? Got the wrong gym membership there, kid. No, no, they can get to the pearly gates. Old Testament is still, Yahweh is still the same God. Jesus was a Jew. So what you're saying is Jesus is nothing? They ignored an iPhone update.

I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know, but we decided to throw relatives, my wife, and the whole of Judaism under the bus right at the end. Yep. Got fun though, didn't it? Another beer, another beer. Another beer.

Yeah, I don't want to be cremated just in case anything like that's happening. I know. I'd rather get there and be like, look, I didn't bear myself. You'd be amated just in case anything like that's happening I know I'd rather get there and be like look I didn't burn myself you'd be a dead good zombie

just six weeks of being dead you'd be fucking a fucking zombie oh Army of the Dead on Netflix how is it fucking

good fun zombie film yeah oh mate I was like I watched it is it number one in the UK

gave it a watch and the first ten minutes is a bit scatty. They've had a little think about zombie movies and gone, how can we make this

a touch more interesting? I'm just saying, if you've not watched it yet, give Army of the Dead a go. How would it make it more interesting? They've done like, I don't know. You know like,

how there's the Terminator and then T-1000. Yeah, there's like different scales of zombies. They've done that with zombies and they're like, fighting zombies and they're like, canine zombies. Oh my God god there's a tiger zombie it's good it's good how do

you feel about the zombie genre in general though how do you guys like it's a good laugh good laugh i like i like it i think uh the more recent zombie films i'm kind of propaganda i'm i'm a conspiracy propaganda yeah i'm a conspiracy fierce with, like, with zombies as we see them, the modern zombie was created by the filmmaker George Romero, right? So, like, I think it's, like, Land of the Dead and, like, Night of the Living Dead. He made all of those films. And their films are all supposed to be satire

about the idea that the zombies represent the proletariat, like the working class and us, and they're seeking a higher state of consciousness. That's why they always go in brains. Right. And apparently, like... Wow, I think one of the films is, I want to say it's The Land of the Dead, where the leader of the zombies is a black dude, which is supposed to be representing, like, the downtrodden in America.

And they finally work out how to, like, cross the sea and stuff, because they're, like, separated by the rich, by a body of water. But I was like, in another one of these films, the reason why, you know, I think it's the remake one, but it's The Dawn of the Dead, where reason why, you know, I think it's, it's the remake one, but it's, the Dawn of the Dead, it takes place in a shopping mall. Yeah.

When they were on top of the roof. And that was made because it represents the fact that Americans as zombies, when they're mindless, always go towards retail. Oh yeah. The subtext. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the subtext of it. So the Romero zombies, they're based for like loads of zombies and stuff. I'm not joking. You make me feel so thick. This is your insight into zombie films and all this hidden meaning and subjects. And I was just like, there's a tiger zombie.

No, but it's cool. It is cool. Because like, there's like zombies and then they're good zombies. And what's a tiger? And there's a zombie right in the zombie hole. That's cool. What does it signify, Dan?

Tigers, they're good. Yeah. When they're good, and then when they're dead, they? Tigers They're good Yeah When they're good And then when they're dead They're good and all They're real good Yes But it's like

Even zombies now It's kind of like I don't know It's like this idea That like this nondescript Group of human beings Are like running towards people And you could just be like

Mowing them down and shit I'm like I was like Are they supposed to be Like asylum seekers and stuff? Because it's a weird thing Where it's like Remember World War Z

Happened in like Israel and shit As well World War Z There was even a war Yeah yeah exactly That's what I'm thing where it's like... Remember World War Z happened in Israel and shit as well. World War Z, there was even a war. Yeah, exactly. That's what I'm saying. So it's this idea where we dehumanise a large contingent of a population. And if you think about it, when you cross a border after travelling from Guatemala to Texas,

you go and look like... See, Dane, here's the thing, Dane. You've been one of the best guests we've ever had. And I mean that. I really do mean that. And every time I speak to you, every every time whether it's in a green room this podcast when we used to do quotas full i always learn something but you are too intelligent and you know too much stuff and it ruins everything for me not a zombie me too me too i don't like being like this guys you think i don't want to watch all nine fast and furious films and not think about shit i wanna i really wanna have you seen fast and furious

it's like racially diverse there's cars women who are equally empowered in some of them and i'm just like yeah yeah i want to do this and then then Jason Statham flies for a windscreen and continues fighting and I'm like ah how are you with Disney films I'm good with Disney films he's like talking animals is he about Pocahontas no no no

no no no it's a very good film it's been a pleasure. Where can we find you, Dane? You can find me on all good socials, Dane Baptiste. So please add me on all your good socials and find out some more content and clips there. YouTube channel as well.

And I also have a podcast, which is Dane Baptiste, Questions Everything. And it's a really fucking great podcast. Very fun. And so please do check that out. And also, I have a pilot on the BBC. It's called Bemis. It may never progress to more than a pilot,

but I don't really worry about that kind of stuff. I just like making good shit. So please do check it out. Bemis. It's called Bemis. It's on the BBC iPlayer. Please do check it out and leave some good feedback just to rub it in their face.

And yeah, man. And hopefully I'll catch you guys at gigs, man, just doing the thing. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it, mate. At the beginning of our revolution. Thank you very, very, very much.

Sign up to the Patreon, lads. If you've not done it already, fuck me, we've got a good one. I love this shit, man, and I love what you guys

are doing, man, and, you know, returning the power back to the creative and stuff like that as well. The next war will be

for human consciousness, guys. I'm fucking serious, man. Hug your loved ones and live well. Fuck the campfire. And fuck the campfire,

that's right.