Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #123 with Thomas Green - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

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Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, The Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favorite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. What's happening everyone Big fucking news mate Big news Dead big news We're doing Have A Word Live. We're doing a live show before we take it on a full tour, which we're still putting together.

The Underbelly Festival at Cavender Square in London have invited us to come down. Now, we really, really, really need you to get some tickets for this and help sell it out, because there's people in the comedy industry who've gone, ha, ha, ha, ha, Adam Rohn, Dan Nightingale, they're never selling this many tickets in London. Let's fuck them up the arse.

There's a link in the description on YouTube, on Spotify, wherever you're watching or listening to this. You can get tickets in the description. Okay, you can also get it on the Underbelly Fest website. You can just search for Have A Weird Podcast with Adam Rohn, Dan Nightingale, or whatever they've called it. Have A Weird Live in London. What's the date?

When are we doing it? Oh, now I talk. Yeah. Sunday, the 19th of September. And the only reason I'm talking is because he fucking's the date? When are we doing it? Oh, now I talk. Yeah. Sunday the 19th of September. And the only reason I'm talking is because he fucking forgot the date. Otherwise, I'd be sat here like an absolute fucking plumb

doing hand gestures for the blind. Sunday the 19th of September. Nope, for the deaf. That's why I'm not allowed to talk. Sunday the 19th of September. The Underbelly Festival. Cavendish Square, London. Me, Dan. Special guest. Stand-up. And a live podcast recording. It's going to be great. I'm not allowed to talk Sunday the 19th of September the Underbelly Festival Cavendish Square London me Dan

special guest stand up and a live podcast recording it's gonna be great please buy tickets and help us sell this thing out there cheap as fuck if you live within

an hour two hours of London three three four if you live anywhere in mainland Europe

you should be there if you're alive the UK's not on mainland Europe, but I know what you mean. Yes. If you're Spanish, yes. If you're French, yes. English, no. It made sense in your head.

Only if you're from mainland Europe, because we love doing this shit to Belgians. Fuck off. Did you get that shit free with your second child it's very dad with two kids that as i put this on this morning i went i'm to get ripped. Get out, Finn. Finn, get out. Go and build the furniture in studio two. You know what you've been told to do. Get out, Finn.

Love you, Finn. Fuck off, Finn. I was going to say love you at the end. Make sure you cut that out like you always do. Yeah, don't worry. I will shit on your arm. Cut that out, though. Yeah, of course.

It's going to end up fucking industrial tribunal yeah Turkey and Wales shit countries back in your books got a really sore throat

yeah I'll lock it up that shit I've got a sore throat from from bullying Finn cut that out yeah

make sure you cut that out okay Lloyd can I try and guess where the shirt's from it's definitely 1985 it's from bern he meant a shop but i said a year that's what you can expect on have a word and borderline racial bullying to our intern cut that out it's from burton's do you know i need to clarify something? Finn gets paid.

We need to clarify that. He gets paid well as well. There's so many people who think we brought him in. And we're just like, right, you do all the editing. Carl will tell you how to edit it. I mean, I do all the editing. Do all the editing. I do all the editing. Finn doesn't get paid and does everything.

No, I do it. And we do pay him. Finn gets paid. Yeah. He gets paid 17 grand a month we make full call from the podcast all the patreon money in every adverve goes to finn yeah and more we pay out of our own pocket costs me and dan five grand each to run this he is getting paid he's a millionaire he's getting paid well enough that we can give him shit dan do you know when i say

to the shop Burton's yeah I say it in your voice from your joke years ago Burton's menswear is it your it's your joke isn't it from years and years and years ago

yeah I can't remember I've it's this isn't Burton's this isn't good enough quality it's something to do with being a dad and going

you're Burton it's you bitch this is F and F innit this is Tesco what's F and F isn't it this is Tesco what's F and F Tesco yeah

no it's ASOS or ASOS yeah I've seen it on screen yeah I thought ASOS was for like young people ASOS for dads

how do I remember your material it's ASOS right I think the bit was something about it was something where you shop

and you're like you know Burton, it's something like being solid clothes. He's got combat shorts on as well. Stand up, Dan. Dan, stand up. The practical. You know, I've got things in the pockets.

I'm in a bloody tape measure. Bus pass. It's gone, hasn't it? It hasn't it it's gone it's gone what else am I wearing wrong what else am I wearing wrong

it's not the insult is that it's so right that's the problem it's that

it wears it's the first time It's that it works! This is the first time I've dressed my age on this podcast. It's very sports day. You're still going to be out though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very dad at sports day. Very sports day, yeah. Yeah.

That is such a brutal slap. It worked so well! I also have started to get paranoid that I don't know what's going on with shoes at the moment you have a nice new balance on now

because every time I look at your shoes it's like in my head you've got fucking a built up shoe train is this the Air Force 1s

train oh right okay they're a bit they're like standard fare your shoes are nice right now your new balance yeah cheers mate thanks every time I see your Oh, right, okay. They're a bit, they're like standard fare. Your shoes are nice right now, your new barn. Yeah, cheers, mate. Thanks.

Every time I see your webs, there's like just more and more of it. See? That was nice. Bloody. There's like a massive wedge on them. Yeah, I like a big shoe. I like a big shoe.

A really big shoe. I'm starting to feel like that's another sign that I'm not there. You can win a really big shoe. A a big shoe really big shoe i'm starting to feel like that's another sign that i'm not you can win a really big shoe can i win two shoes no one big one uh so by the way yeah can i i'm not sure if i've ever mentioned this on the podcast before that aircon sounds loud carl yeah don't it turn the aircon off please just it's making me feel like everyone can hear it. Or Carl, go to studio two and get- Finn! Finn! Sorry, we can't hear you.

Finn, give me your t-shirt, I'm getting ripped! I need young men's clothing. I went into a shop yesterday. Like a shop shop. Shop shop? Yeah, right. What's a shop? And what's a shop shop. Shop shop? Yeah, right. What's a shop? And what's a shop shop?

Like a clothing store shop. Right. I was going shopping. I went to Manchester yesterday with my girlfriend. I've heard of it. And it was fun. And we went shopping in the day. And can we just have a word?

Like the name. Bloody hell, hang on. Can we have a word? And I'm not having to go at the workers here I'm having to go at the managers and the leaders of the companies of stores that make their staff approach you

oh yeah do you know when you walk into a shop and they cut like there's like seven members of staff all like spread throughout the shop so I was in Tazuti in the Arndale center in manchester that's pronounced and every single member of staff or something come over and went

you need any help sir let me know and at one point i was looking at a shoe and he went if you want to try them on i can go and get the the left one out of the back for you and i was like who doesn't know yeah is anyone walking in going the one like a person's shop they only sell right shoes yeah i'm not a big fan of talking to assistants in shops but really i would have bought these but i need two because i've got two feet and i'm a bit shy and i don't like approaching people i'm just gonna going to put it back and leave. Excuse me, sir. Do you know there for your feet? Let me know if you need anything else. Like when they immediately come over to you and they're like,

let us know if I can help. I'll just, I'll be able to help with any inquiries you may have. And then he fucks up and you get five more yards in and someone else comes over. Hi sir, I can help as well. He's like, yeah, I know. Do you work for tips? I know how shops work yeah and if i didn't i probably wouldn't be in here i'm an adult man in a shop fuck off i'll figure

it out right yeah there is a there is a there is a you know when you go in a shop and you're desperately trying to find anyone that can help and you can't there is a another end of the spectrum where you're like i need a fucking anyone yeah like you know carl donnelly used to have a brilliant bit about the apple store years ago i hope he doesn't mind me mentioning it because he doesn't do anymore but he's like at first i worried i'd wandered into an ipod museum yeah because it's missing the key components of a shop like tills and people laugh fucking way and everyone in there is not buying stuff just looking at

everything it does have that vibe doesn't it everything's perfectly symmetrical yeah yeah i i think there's a it's an american style customer service like what you've got to do is you've got to go straight over just be super friendly and you're like i can handle that sometimes you know sometimes i'm in a bit of a good mood and i'm like yeah but most of the time even though i'm quite a gregarious sort of i can have like i'm quite i'm not like a grumpy person chopping but you're still a lot of the time just be like i don't know you i don't want to know you you're not helping i just sort of want to be left alone and it can easily tip over to like hey but even if i'm in a really good mood that can piss me off and ruin my day because what I hate more than anything

is fake positivity like fake customer service style the worst is when they're giving you bad news and they're like I'm so sorry sir but I can't help you

because this like in Zara yesterday the fucking prick on the tail who wouldn't let me return something because he was like you don't have the receipt

I was like it's got Zara on the label it's your thing it's still thing i just want to swap it for a different size now well if you haven't got the receipts i can't swap it oh i thought they didn't need receipts anymore it's your stuff it's not like i'm taking a nike shoe back to the shoe shop or to size it's it says zara are you suggesting i've made them at home and put the label in myself that will be clever right i think maybe yeah that i don't think that's what they're worried about people keep making our clothes and then bringing them back i think they're worried about someone nicking something walking around the block taking a label off and being like this doesn't fit

you know i think that's more i don't think they're worried about you producing clothes so let's go with your theory let's go with that is what's happening right so you think that they're worried that people like me are going in the store right yeah picking up shorts is in a size that isn't mine walking around the block and then coming in and going can i swap these shorts that i've stolen i thought you wanted the size that is mine? You think that is what their policy is to protect against thieves who are just adding layers into their thievery?

I thought you were trying to get your money back. No, I wanted to swap it for something that fits. I'm sorry, right now. I thought the guy, I could see the sense of it being like, I didn't give him the shorts. And he went, no, and you can't have them either. I don't know you didn't rock them.

He went, can't do anything. These are ours. You're keeping them. So you didn't swap them? No. That's madness. I am not allowed to, because I haven't got the receipt. Have you, Adam?

You can't take a bank statement in, no. What? You can take a bank statement in. Yeah, I can. No, you can't. But you're talking to Adam bro I don't know where I'm going can you imagine

Adam turning up with a well I haven't got a receipt but I've got these bank statements that'll be dead hard in your bank statement to go through and look for the word Zara

yeah but I've been to Zara like four or five times so I'd have to I didn't just buy this pair of shorts when I went in oh right so you'd have to work it

yeah I'd have to work I can't do that you'd have to wear everything on your board so you could add it up and subtract what he wanted. Yeah, that makes sense.

It gives them. Come on. Why are you wearing a scarf? It's the hottest week of the year. It's on the receipt, lad. I'd like to make a return. Let me just take everything off. Get these shorts.

I have sweated in them a bit. What do you reckon they'd do if you went into a shop Wearing keks Tucked them off and they had the label on You had the receipt and you went I want to swap them Underpants

Proper underpants No like keks Trousers Of the jean variety Do you reckon they'd take them You're just like these What are you even setting them for You don't like them

These don't fit No you don't like them You don't like them It's a horror I mean it TK Marks you could They'd be like Fair exchange or a refund What are you pretending for? You don't like them? These don't fit? No, you don't like them? I don't like them. It's Zahra. I mean, at TK Maxx you could. They'd be like, I'm going to give up. For an exchange or a refund?

A refund. So just, I want them. You walk out with no pants on and 12 quid. Would you reckon he'd do it? Cheap jeans.

Cheap that one. The label smells of your arsehole. Because that can't be a policy the label can't stink that's our we have a non-stinking label policy I'm so sorry

you cannot return something if it means you're walking around in your undies like is he walking off in his boxers she's got to return he's well happy 24 quid in his pocket

no pants on Adam Rowe wins again didn't even have to get me bank statements out have you got the receipt for anything in your life no and that's not an accusation because i'm like i don't have receipts for anything no i haven't but i always keep it like i don't like i get them to put it in the bag because i'm like i won't lose it then and then as soon as i get in it's never in the bag and just throw the bag out no it's never in the bag either no reason yeah i do want the receipt and i'll put it in my filing system

of in that bag and then it'll be in a bag of bags i'm a i'm such a fucking dickhead because they all offer you the option for an email receipt now and for some reason despite the fact every time you go to a bar or buy it in online you have option for an email receipt now. And for some reason, despite the fact every time you go to a bar or buy anything online, you have to put an email in now. When it's in an in-person shop and they go, because they don't go, what type of receipt do you want? They go, can we take an email to send you the receipt? I'm like, no! Yeah, same.

You do not get my data. I want pants, not emails. Fuck you. Away with you, beast. Turn into a real traditionalist. I want pants, not emails. Fuck you. Away with you, beast. You've turned into a real traditionalist. I want a paper one. Print it now. Fuck off.

When in reality, it would be so much more convenient if in Zardy I could have just gone onto this machine thing and gone, yeah, mate. Here's your receipt. You're fucking dumb. I'm exactly the same when it's paper. Can I take your email address you're like

oh you're just gonna spam me oh you're just gonna put it on file oh I'll get loads of offers through like I do every time I buy something online three times a fucking day what are you gonna do with this pants that don't fit

what am I gonna do with them yeah oh hat hat yeah nice Zara hat hat pants I've invented a new thing hat pants hats yeah Hat. Hat. Yeah. Nice Zara hat. Hat pants.

I've invented a new thing. Hat pants. Hats. Yeah, because it'll still be cool on your head. Pants for your head. Hat pants. And they've got a belt with them, so even if they're a bit big on my head,

just tie the belt. Would it be hat pants or pants hat? I suppose hat pants would be hats that you wear as pants. Yeah, it'd be pants. It'd just be a pants hat. Wordplay's not one of our strong points on how to work let's get back to bellend or bum all which i suppose is closely related to the pants manchester's quite good isn't it yes i fucking love living in manchester it's great went to a blues kitchen it's a blues bar. Where was that?

The woman singing the blues. Sound. Cocktails. On a Wednesday, there's an offer. Five pound, any cocktail. Oh, that's the best thing about being a comedian, isn't it? When you're like, I go out on a fucking Wednesday. When bars are like, customers, nice one.

Instead of having to fucking queue like a bell end on a Saturday. It's really good. Love it. Went to a place called Sugo Pasta Kitchen as well for tea well for tea food was amazing is this northern quarter or it's ancoats all right yeah um sugo pasta live there so the the blues bit is by dean's gate and sugo the pasta kitchens up on ancoats wow how did you get that's uber all What did you eat? That's a big old fucking walk. I got the house sugo, which was their pasta with pulled beef shoulder, pulled beef shin,

pork shoulder, and andouille sausage. What was that? The sauce. What? The bicep. It was delicious, but the staff were just,

they had like this chip on the shoulder. Oh, it was too far the other way? Yeah. Do you know what's happened recently? the staff were just they had like this chip on the shoulder oh it's too far the other way yeah do you know like could you eat them what's happened recently right do you know because we've all been very supportive of the hospitality industry and like there's this whole thing of if you're a dickhead customer now you just end up on the internet and you look like the dickhead because the years of the customer is always right it's long gone and in general that's right because a lot of customers are absolutely oh mate whoever came up with that

like turn of phrase how did you ever come to that like the customer's always right what are you talking about the customer is very very very rarely right

the customer is regularly a shithead not doing anything wrong and like so you know in Baccaro in Liverpool yeah

have you ever had the olives from there you don't like olives do you no sorry so they're lovely and they come with salt on right so in there yesterday

we ordered olives as our like pre-starter thing and they brought them and then we asked for salt because we were like we'll salt them like they do in Bacaro and the woman looked at me

as if I'd gone have you got any dead children that we could rub all over the table like she was really angry yeah that we could rub all over the table? Like she was really angry that we wanted to salt our home. That's a hell of a special, that, isn't it? The old dead children rub.

We do peri-peri salt and my dead children. Yeah. I was being hyperbolic. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Why does she work for all it like why does she give a fuck it was it was that we'd asked her to do something that she didn't want to do for all of us could you go over there and grab that salt that you do give to customers otherwise you wouldn't have it and she was like salted olives like you want salt okay who was she

melania she said that's what she spoke like it's very very good she was a vampire okay who was she Ivanka Trump who was she Melania what do you want she said that's what she spoke like it was a very very good impression she was a vampire where was she from what where was she from

Ankots I didn't ask I think she might have been Italian oh okay why did you do like a Russian voice then because I'm bad at impressions that's a very honest response to you that I can't

give him six weeks what do you want do you want weeks so it was really funny this morning um as we were leaving the hotel at the minute there's a policy of you don't share the lift because of the um one household a lift yeah because of the coronavirus and laura loves doing that uh no let the doors close well so it's we were on floor nine it stopped on floor six and the couple on floor six went i will just wait for the next one and then stopped again on floor four and the couple went can we just squeeze in and sam was already pressing the button she she but she looked right in the woman's eye because sam was a little bit tired right she looked right in the woman's eye she went i'm really sorry she's pressing the

closed door the woman can we just squeeze in and something really sorry can i just say if adam ever fingers me i know exactly what it's going to look like with the apology you don't go in with two are you going with three and making your way down it's like working down the gears before you get to travel later yeah first yeah which is fifth was it was it a nice hotel do you know Yeah. But it was a five-star hotel. Did she treat you? She did. Bloody hell.

A five-star hotel, but it fucking wasn't. Oh, right. Do you know what I mean? Like, it was a four, but they need to fucking pipe down with this five shit because it wasn't.

Was it a clean four? Yeah. The room was quite big. The spa was lovely that we got free access to, although we couldn't book any treatments because they're only doing treatments

on the weekend at the minute because, I don't know whether you know this, but masseuses, masseu-i, whatever it is. Mass-i, Graham. Mass-i.

They can only spread COVID midweek. Oh, it's a nightmare. On a weekend. COVID, yeah. And as we know from comedy clubs, you can't have people sat next to you because COVID

is like crab COVID it just goes sideways yeah but diagonally four fucking centimetres COVID doesn't move diagonally grow up

yeah right okay so you couldn't get touched by a I don't know the spa was nice and apparently the restaurants in there

was quite good but the rest of it was just decent like the the shower door was weird and it made the bathroom flood a bit and i was like that's a half a star off yeah and then like there was an espresso machine but they only gave us decaf oh that's a three star in it you know what i mean i had a spat in the face on the way out did you one bottle of water minibar wasn't stocked like i mean did you get this on a deal no that's a disgrace 116 pounds and 75 pence for the evening it's important that

75 pence for the minute that's the bottle of water and you did you bump into some comedians in the spa because i saw jade adams tweet sophie willan and james uh jade ad some comedians in the spa? Because I saw Jade Adams' tweet. Sophie Willen and Jade Adams were just in the same spa. How fucking random was that picture? I was like, when is this from? I was like, is this from the Tez show? And they've had like a chill out in the hotel or something. They're like, no, we've just bumped in. There's literally 400 comedians in the country.

And there's Adam Rowan, a pool, like, right? Yeah. A couple of colleagues. I was sat in the hot tub with Sam. And Sophie Willen just stopped in front of me and went, fuck off. And I went. Why? Why?

Because she was surprised I was there. Oh. She wasn't wanting to be there. Sophie Willen doesn't have beef on Twitter. She hunts people down in real life and waits till they're semi-naked and sweaty you know because I was seeing Sophie in a new context because I'd never seen Sophie

almost naked and soaking wet so she's putting on the insurance fuck off and I looked at her for a solid 8 seconds of like... Fuck off!

And then Jade Adams appeared. I love it that in your life, there's not a reaction to someone going, fuck off! Let me just compute this. Who is this? Former enemy, someone from Twitter. Yeah.

Had a decent day. Nice. I met Brennan yeah um nice for a pint oh that's nice i did hot water last night yeah oh yeah have you got that is that throwing style all right yeah you've got that keep dropping it yeah it's not annoying That's the main thing. Twatting a wall cow. I did Hot Water last night. It was so fun hanging out with Paul Smith. It's like, I don't know, back to that thing of like, the dressing rooms is, I've missed that as much as the actual gigs.

But fuck me, I was not ready for a late night last night. Like it's testament to what Hot Water have done in Liverpool that they can have a late show where the closing act is on past midnight on a fucking Wednesday. Yes, mate. Yes. Because everyone's happy to be back in comedy

and they're getting their sea legs everyone was just like oh yeah i'm booked for 10 i'll do 15. Masai Graham was on that's why when you before when you said about masseuses Masai's uh Masai Graham is a Birmingham based comedian one-liner guy he's a one-liner guy and a new comedy night or like a new material night he's a bit of a menace because it like he he works well and some jokes are like all over the shop and some nail it but i've never i've never really seen him on a weekend gig it's like it's it's one of those that doesn't necessarily translate to the weekend. People are happy if they've paid a fiver to see it, but not 18 quid.

I'm not trying to disrespect him. It's just where I've seen him. I haven't gigged with him a lot on the weekend. I'm not having a go at Messiah. I'm having a go at audiences because they get, like, I've seen all their TV name headline acts who do one-liners, and on a weekend, the attention span just isn't there. To do that much. And he's not a new comic

but he's like I don't know if you call him like a full blown pro comic I just don't see him on a load of pro bills but there is a weird style with new comedy

isn't there sometimes you go to open spot nights or new comedy nights it's like that you can tell that they've not watched a lot of weekend comedy

they've not they've surrounded themselves with other open spots and like toby jones was talking about this on the phone last week he's got a new material and they've got some new comics he was like it's really like weird watching them just their set is all about their lives and if they're trans it's about their life dealing with you know their transition and and if they're from an ethnicity it's just about that and i'm like yeah that's that's new comedy yeah that's a lot of new comedy nights and then you don't see where the professional act is there you're like who's actually just doing bits yeah about their life it's all everyone's like almost like everyone's practicing to do the bbc new comedy award by going uh yeah i actually

had a bisexual dad and this is my story or whatever like did you have a comic in mind there yeah sexual dad comic yeah yeah much like no would you rather imagine i have a bisexual dad or a bisexual mom dave 20 minutes turned up going I had a bisexual dad. Would you rather have a bisexual dad or a bisexual mum? I just think it's hard to imagine your dad being bummed. I think, I think

it's more, it might be wrong. It's a lot more fluid with women, isn't it? I think there's more of a line with men. I think if you're with a man who gets bummed it's more difficult to look past than if you're with i think because of the heteronormative nature of western society yeah right saved it yeah i'm not saying it's right but saved those going yeah you can't dad getting bummed the thing is actually it's about the heteronormativity of western society

yeah it is it's just more intrusive as well I think it's more of an act what's something going in your arse yeah

ramen coming out of it I mean that does sound homophobic doesn't it it really does I don't mind me mum scissoring but me dad bumming

I mean it is that is homophobia it's a weird strain of it that you don't hear loads no I'm all for the gays as long as none of them are bumming. I mean, it is, that is homophobia. It's a weird strain of it that you don't hear loads. No, I'm all for the gays as long as none of them

are bumming my dad, you know, but it is a, that is a, that is to say that it's like, oh, well, it's a bit more fluid with,

you know. No, I'm not saying I'm right. No, no, I'm saying, I think that's the general consensus. Not general,

I'll just jump off this hole in a minute. I actually did stand up about that for a while about how the only person i don't want to be bummed is my dad did you i don't remember my dad and my little brother genuinely it's on club comic wow yeah i think it's justified i just don't want my dad to be bummed what yeah well yeah because he's not gay exactly

so if he'd been bummed like something's gone wrong at the pub hasn't it exactly he's lost a dart match yeah and there's a heavy forfeit wow

those lads don't fuck about do they no down at the social club there's fuck me dad in the arse what would you say to him if he walked in and went lost a game of darts, got bummed?

What would you say? Like, fucking hell, dad. I'm a Sambuca lad. When next time? Yeah. Seemed very uncomfortable,

Daniel. Yeah. A little bit. Double tops. A little bit of that. Like, there are people, like,

it does happen though, doesn't it, that your parents, after your, your parents After your Your parents blow up And they're like Yeah we're Actually gay

Elton John was married Had a few kids Yeah Oscar Wilde Oscar Wilde Was he real What Oscar Wilde

Is he what Was he real What do you mean I've just I've heard loads of quotes do you think he's a character I thought he was like Sherlock Holmes yeah

right cool yeah I'm not even going to answer that why I'm just going to leave it why comment below who was he

what did he do he was just a thinker he was a writer what did he write he wrote plays I think he wrote novels I think he wrote poetry it I think he wrote poetry, he was just a famous,

sort of, Lake Victorian, Edwardian, like, just a lead in mind of the day, he was very famous. Yeah, I've heard his quotes,

haven't I? Yeah, he was real though. I think he wrote The Importance of Being Earnest, that's one of the ones. I thought you were going to say Idol then, the Oasis song say idol and the oasis song oh do he sung it released it posthumously is he real i wasn't

sure i mean right i had a feeling he was he is all he was funny but he famously gave me it's a bit bit of a different though because he grew up in an era where you could lose everything if it came out that you were homosexual yeah so a lot of them had what do they call them beards yeah ladies who didn't marry yeah i don't think he got to 26 and went i've had a change of heart i think he was always you know yeah we'll say without john yeah i think i'm not speaking for him but as you say they have beard don't they because it's not back then it wasn't as progressive and normal yeah if you were gay

then you couldn't sing I'm not trying to underestimate what it's like to come out now but it's a shite sight easier than it was back in the day innit

yeah I remember watching like the X Factor a few years ago when like a man would sing I think Britain's Got Talent was one as well

when Callum Scott sang Dancing On My Own, or Dancing On Your Own, whatever the song is, and the lyrics are, I'm in the corner watching you kiss her. Whoa! Right?

Thanks a lot. And Simon Carle was like, a bit weird, that, because that's a girl's song, because she's watching him kiss her, and that's why she's upset. But now you, a man, are singing about watching him kiss her. Right.

Yeah, and Simon Cowell's like, it's a bit weird, but you can sing. And it's like, yeah, but what if the guy kissing the girl in the song is bisexual? And it's the heteronormativity of Western society that made Simon Cowell uncomfortable. Does Evan ever sing about that? Simon Cowell.ell mate simon cowell you're on thin ice there fucking pointing those fingers aren't you whoa whoa he's there with his like spray tan and he

looks like an odd man now um yeah rumors for years that simon carl's guy hasn't he really yeah yeah where where were the rumors i've just seen them in the papers on the walls on the walls of pub toilets yeah Simon Cowell is gay yeah

I've heard but like he's never really had a missus is Simon Cowell real is he real I think he was

a thinker yeah but like he's never really had a missus he was shagging Sunita famously from Coddy

years ago yeah Dev was pissed off it's so much easier to be i can't believe he said that within the realm of entertainment like fair enough he was like the foreman of some fucking timber yard you'd be like yeah they're not that progressive but simon cowell should definitely know fucking better like he's just he's such a businessman isn't he right so he's like i know what sells yeah and gay stuff isn't that right like that's what he's doing though isn't he he's like you're a male pop star so we need to that's how he thinks he he's a music mogul model mogul yeah mogul so he's like it's a music we need women to want to fuck you all of the time

forever you could see why if you were gay or from the sort of lgbt why that sort of attitude it's it's like institutional homophobia in it it's fucking annoying but it's only like in the 80s when i was watching carry on like it's so funny how people were like no like frankie how is that oh oh oh and kenneth williams like oh well are they gay and my nan and granddad were like they're just a bit you know a bit feminine yeah gay no they didn't i don't think they were like they were like no that was just a bit of a you know just a bit of a lovey because to them they weren't gay they were like no

no they won't be gay they're like they definitely were Nana they were like eww I'd love to go back to like the 60s and 70s and just watch a conversation

and just how fucking weird it'd be yeah they had to hide it so fucking tragic it's in all of like every time someone

writes a thing about like Friends the TV show and they're like oh it was really fatphobic and homophobic and no one should watch it anymore Every time someone writes a thing about Friends, the TV show, and they're like, oh, it was really fatphobic and homophobic and no one should watch it anymore. It's like, well, I think people should still watch it

and you judge it from its time, and we've discussed that before. But it really is. Every tenth joke on our channel is, I thought you were gay when I met you. Monaco's a big fat dickhead. What is it on the Berlin Wall? If you were raised past you Then you're condemned to repeat it

Right Well that was a deep moment Karl It's on the Berlin Wall You're not wrong If you were raised past Then you're condemned to repeat it That's why they keep the Bit of the wall up and stuff

Yeah I I don't necessarily think that's true though You know what I mean I think if you knock all the pyramids down I don't see them getting built again That's a great point I can't necessarily think that's true though. You know what I mean? I think if you knock all the pyramids down, I don't see them getting built again. That's a great point.

I can't argue with you. It's going to be hard. Apart from his stockpile. It's going to be hard to convince anyone to take that job. Yeah. I don't think you understand what I'm saying, do you? I think it's more of a metaphor. Yeah.

But you've got to put it into realism or the metaphor is fucking useless, isn't it? The fat jokes in Friends are absolutely brutal to be fair yeah like i don't think we are the most fat friendly pair of comedians on the circuit because the joke's a joke and it's you know but i i can see why if that's your issue you're like you dressed a tiny skinny 25 year old courtney cox in a fat suit to be like look how fat she was! But she lost her weight, so it's fine. No one would fuck her!

By the way, Matthew, have you watched the reunion yet, Dan? I've seen the pictures. Like, Matthew Perry is not... Well, apparently he had dental surgery the day before the reunion, and that's why he was talking about mama. Yeah. That doesn't sound like an agent talking shit at all as if you were like right

well we haven't done friends in 17 years there's a massive reunion what are you getting paid matthew 1.6 million dollars oh but fuck me you've got that dental thing before i know because of covid it's a fucking nightmare you can can't repeat, but like, you're a multimillionaire. The guy's worth $80 million, but you're like, dentists are a nightmare for cancellations.

They charge you $40 if you cancel, so obviously we'll have to do it. The only two normal ones are the two who haven't had any work done. Phoebe and Joey. Phoebe's had a bit

of the old boot off. A little bit, but she looks normal whereas the others look like masks. Jennifer little bit, but she looks normal. Whereas the others look like masks. Jennifer Aniston looks pretty fine. No, she doesn't. She looks good, but she looks... And I don't want to do all this whole...

She looks like she's had work done. I'm not doing that. But she doesn't look normal. Neither does Ross. Whereas Joey looks like they finished Friends and he went, I'm going to do my own one. By the way, watching a Friends reunion and having them not once reference back to the TV show Joey

ever existed. At no point did James Corden, who was host there, turn to him and go, what are you fucking thinking? Matt LeBlanc didn't even do that. Well, there was a slight reference. They went, they went to all main characters they could all be the main character of their own show yeah i was like say it now and he didn't yeah they've erased history so you never know again that's how bad joey was they were like what if we repeat it fuck it doesn't matter just erase it delete that shit i watched joey yeah it wasn't good no but it was joey's you have to watch

it yeah Jennifer Aniston I just watched Horrible Bosses because Sky threw it up she looks great sneaky Horrible Bosses is such a funny film

yeah it's really good and Jennifer Aniston in that I know it's like 10 years old now but Christ almighty she looks amazing

yeah I was never that bothered by Jennifer Aniston she is she's like improved with age compared to Matthew Perry and like now she's gone

she's hitting the right okay but Matt LeBlanc looks like he finished Friends had a go at Joey and it didn't work and then his agent went

right well you know you got these film options and he's gone look I've just been on a million dollars an episode I can't be arsed anymore

I want to go and sit in Frankie and Benny's for 20 years and just keep eating pasta, have something beers. He does talk here, doesn't he? Yeah, but he doesn't look like he gives a shit about it. He looks more like he's into IPAs than he is talking. Has he done anything else? Has he done any other? No, he's not done loads, has he?

I can't think of anything he's been in. I can't think of anything. That's what I mean. I think he's just had 20 years basically off. Yeah, with his money. And he's done exactly what I would do with 20 years off and 200 million in the bank. But that's why I think it's more startling,

because David Schwimmer's just done a set of adverts, hasn't he? And I haven't seen David Schwimmer in virtually anything. I've seen him pop up a couple of times, but nothing I've watched. And then he's doing those adverts he's still dyeing his hair so that it's jet black and you're like

holy fuck 20 years have gone by and you look older like whereas with Jennifer Aniston maybe like I don't know she just feel like

they've popped up more Lisa Kudrow's been in loads of stuff so I've sort of seen her get old and then all of a sudden like David Schwimmer's on and i'll be like oh fuck what happened you look hung over as fuck and matthew perry looks like

young you just see young to old yeah matthew perry looks uh ill matthew perry looks like your granddad's mate and i mean your grandad's mate. Like 80 odd years of age. Fucked. Yeah. Like he looked really, really, really old. How did he act? Were they all on good form? No, no.

If you watch it, genuinely he's leant over and he's frail. Yeah. He looked fucked. What did the dentist do to you, Matthew? And the camera doesn't the camera barely

cuts to him if he's talking it's a very wide shot yeah it's very like let's not look at Matthew Petty's face yeah

can't wait for the have a word reunion in 17 years where all three of them Finn's looking beautiful he's had work done he's now called

Susan amazing the have a word reunion's rough looking beautiful. He's had work done. He's now called Susan. Amazing. The have a word reunion is rough. Do you remember when we used to talk about bumming dads? If you haven't watched it, yeah, go and watch it because it was really happy, sad, wasn't it? Yeah.

It was good. I think it could have been done slightly better, but it was good. Yeah. It have been done slightly better but it was good yeah it was happy it was happy but also like got you in the feels

yeah yeah yeah when's the two pints of lager packet of crisps and a packet of crisps reunion is that they do a podcast

they do a podcast yeah apparently from two pints there's one of them from the main cast who just doesn't keep in touch

like she's just like fucking ate 80 oh really louise i don't know it's not sheridan smith because she still talks to ralph on twitter all the time i've seen that um and sheridan smith comes across as really sound doesn't she donna maybe can't be easy to work with people over a prolonged period of time and not get fucked off with each other. Like, to have all... Has there ever been any beef with the friends?

What are you trying to say? With the... No, we're fine. No, they said at the start they were all best mates. And you can tell when they see each other. They're, like, genuinely overwhelmed to see each other, like, hugging and kissing, like, I love you. All of the Friends cast?

All of them together. Well, if they say at one point, like, if they ever got to a party even if they were which let's like like matthew perry went with like a friend of his to a party if any of the other cast were there they just spent the rest of the night together talking and they they have to just say these are people we were with look i know we're here together but you're not going to see me for the rest of the night because i'm going to talk to David Shroff. Well, they got accused, didn't they, by the guest actors of being very cliquey. Like they weren't very inclusive. They're friendly enough,

but it was very clear that like, you are not one of these six. So when like Paul Rudd had a major role on it, didn't he? Like there was those rumours of like, yeah, you're not part of this team. And you're like, yeah, because you're not. Because if we have a

guest in we're super friendly to the guest but they're not part of the have a word team there is a fucking difference i don't think they don't get to shout to finn no oh they can't talk to if anyone punched it if anyone sat on that car i don't give a fuck who it is we've got some big guests lined up dared to talk to finn how me and adam talked to finn be fucking appalled where are you fucking he's being very quiet good he's being good you know i heard this was like after like sadie's two are friends you know it proper kicked off and it was like the biggest show in the world already but still eight seasons to go like all the actors the the main actors in it,

their agents were like, you're going to be the breakout star, so we're going to get you. And I've seen this years ago on an old Friends documentary on the TV channel E. Yeah. There was a Friends thing on that,

which was great. It was actually better than The Reunion. Like, if you've not seen that one, then watch that first because it's actually better. And apparently all the friends like the main six actors got together in a room with no agents

and went look my agent's saying this and I know yours will be so we need to make a contracted pact now that none of us ever get paid more than any of the other so if one of us gets offered a million dollars an episode you've got to give us all that.

Like, we can't be, like, being auctioned off against each other because it's just going to cause murder down the line. And they stuck to it all the way to the end. And for series nine and ten, they all got a million dollars paid episode each as a basic salary. Yeah, so if you ever need to know why that's worked out as, like, colleagues and friends friends that's part of it like me and adam get paid exactly the same on this and it doesn't half keep i don't know it's little things

like that you could have you could have like demanded more couldn't you you had a bigger following when we started we are free to get our own sponsorships and this week's episode is brought to you by pepsi max cherry mine's mine's diet coke tango on mine this week's episode is brought to you by Pepsi Max Cherry. Mine's Diet Coke. Tango on mine this week. Mine's Diet Coke. Pepsi Max Cherry. Tango.

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And what's better than money off? Nothing. Go get it. SupremeCBD.UK. Feeling a bit flurry. It's because last night, I'm not... Your arm's not in shot, is it? No, it's not. I sound like a pussy hole yeah but i could have done without

a late show last night and when you when you're doing hot water and they're like it's two shows on a wednesday by the way i fucking love that club but i particularly love it when there's a midweek crowd what i meant to say before was like at midnight it had overrun by half an hour you know when you get to the end of your 15, 20 minute set and your headlining, and a lot of the time you'd be like, that's too late. Mass I had overrun.

Everyone had just let it wiggle out a bit. And I understand I wasn't even eggy, but the crowd got to the end and you get a sense as a comic when the crowd's got more in them. But it was five past 12 on a Wednesday. I was like, bunch of fucking animals you legends they were like

we could do a bit more right any like the magic of hot water also you can only do it in the big cities

Liverpool if hot water was from Glasgow Manchester they could have probably made it work but just to get to the end of a set and have a crowd

be like yeah you can do another bit if you want it's fine I was like what are you all on furlough still who's got jobs i was like i'm not asked don't worry about it people just want to be out don't they but manchester was chocker last night that blues bar was packed we we had to book oh yeah for food and then get there and go we don't want any food we rang up and went can we out can we come they loved you they were made up all right so we rang up and went can we book for tonight and they went uh well we're not taking any walk-ins for the bar tonight so unless you've got a food reservation

i'm afraid you won't be coming in ah yeah and we went well can we just book for food then and they went what time would you like to come what time we got available she went only 11 p.m and we went yeah we'll come for food 11 p..m. Straight after our meal appointment. Yeah, yeah. Our meal. And then we walked in and she went, meal appointment? Meal appointment? What did I mean?

Reservation. We have a meal appointment. Reservation. I mean, it literally means the same thing, but it made me look a bell end. I'm here for my meal appointment. I'd like to masticate on schedule. We walked in and they went, just for drinks?

And we went, yeah. And she went, yeah, no problem. Come over here. Yeah. See, I get, listen, I get that everywhere's busy and there's bookings. We're planning ahead. I'm going out for drinks with the boys next Friday in Chester.

It's already booked up. It was booked up last week because I was like, oh, we've got to make sure. But it's still pretty fucking amazing to have a nearly sold out hot water at midnight on a Wednesday. I just like, I fucking love it.

So thanks for supporting comedy. It's fucking great. However, shouting at midnight after, I just don't think those mics are on loud enough. So I naturally just go, I'm going to make up for this, which is probably a failing on my part.

But I literally- I was on a hot water last week and just turned to the sound guy during my settlement can i have more volume nice one because binti's not there yeah my voice was so deep this morning my son is eight weeks old he's not smiled yet is he talking yeah he's only just yeah he's got he's got a job and i went you ready for your bottle and it was so much deeper there was almost a look like who the fuck are you why is Barry White

feeding me my morning bottle imagine if Barry White was in your house for no reason imagine imagine he's done that thing

imagine shit grenade would you ever breastfeed Jack me yeah if you shit grenade would you ever breastfeed Jack me yeah if you if you did

it's frowned upon a little bit by who Laura shouldn't know I couldn't find the dummy and it's warm and I'm topless

no but you can get those things can't you am I no I mean out of his actual mantid no but he doesn't produce milk but you can get those like things that you strap on

yeah and you put your wife's tit milk in your fake tits and get your son to suck on your fake tits right well we're past Laura's boob milk

anyway we're just on bottles she's retired they're working titties so we're just doing bottles that makes it even easier because you don't even have to squeeze it

out of there you just get it out the fridge put it in your tit yeah Jack I sometimes can't even be I'm just like

if I've got a bottle and then he's ready to eat like usually you may have like a muslin or a cloth a what I literally knew you were gonna do it

a muslin fake boobs a muslin do you know what a muslin is yeah yeah it's a cloth and then you put a thing on a dog

because it bites everyone it's just a fucking it's retarded conversations with aderaan do you want a bottle would you not ever use one of them no mate i'm lazy sometimes i wipe i've he does a little bit spit up and i'm like i use my t-shirt to clean it i'm a lazy man i'm not strapping myself up with fake tits but what if what if he asked for them what if he was like what do you mean?

He's eight weeks old. He's not even smiled. What do you think? I've got some weird autistic kid who doesn't smile. He's like, Dad, can you get your fake tits out? What if... Oh, it's utter nonsense.

What if... What if... What if he was like... What if... Here we go. Mr. Milken, it's called. What if... What if he went,

Dad, can I bum your dad? Do you know what I mean? Like, what if? What would go. Mr. Milker, it's called. What if? What if he went, Dad, can I bum your dad? Do you know what I mean? Like, what if? What would you do? What would you do if your son can't speak? It's only 55 quid. Mr. Milker. But what if he was like four?

And he's like, Daddy, daddy, I want daddy titty. Yeah, we'd have a fucking stern word outside. Like, come here. I'm already raising him harder. I'm roughing him up a little bit i can feel it i was so delicate with that so i'm like i'll shut up he'll be fine so you wouldn't even if that's what your kid wanted yeah if it for he went daddy daddy can i have some man meat look how happy he looks

are you gonna slide the picture of that absolute quendo breastfeeding his son from fake tits. He looks happy because he's connecting with his child. No, he doesn't. He looks like an absolute tit end. And that kid, if that,

what that kid needs needs to grow the fuck up. I know he's a baby. I think that looks really good. I think I could, I could get me my head around that. No, you couldn't.

I could. No, you couldn't. You wouldn't be arsed't You wouldn't be arsed You wouldn't be arsed If my mistress was like Look I want you to bond with the baby As well as me

Here's a pair of fake tits Got them on Amazon £54.23 Apparently Look Oh that's just his actual tit Isn't it Yeah

Right I'll do whatever it takes To bond with me child Yeah I don't think that's bonding That's abuse Why is it abuse No I know it's that's bonding. That's abuse. Why is it abuse? No, I know it's not abuse. Yeah.

But it's fucking horrible. Why? Oh, sorry, but... Well, having your child suck on your nipple. Yeah. Yeah. Not me nipple. On me little fake robot nipple.

Oh, right. I thought... Your fake robot milky nipple. By the way, Carl just pulled up a picture of a man with his actual boob. What the fuck are we talking about? I just said, if Jack went,

hey, giz a tit, would you give him yours? Yeah. It's a legitimate question. Can't wait till these have kids. Can't wait. We'll do it.

This is going to be such an annoying cunt. How are your fake tits, Adam? I can't wait until me and Cal both have kids and we get to see how easy it is. It's probably going to be the end of next year for you, so that's not too far to wait, is it? John Bennett says, Euros are about to start.

I know that Scousers feel more Scouse than English, but have you ever been to see England away or been to the Euros? And will you be into this tournament? And has your dad been bummed? He added that on the question. Weird, isn't it? Has he been bummed at the euros

i would rather watch me that get bummed than go to an england away match i haven't got a drum i couldn't think of people i'd least rather be around than their way england fans yeah that's where your half spanish vibe comes out in it fuck like i just yeah it's it's the scouse thing. But like, it's just so detached from my life. No. No, it is. No, it is. Sorry, I wasn't disagreeing with you. No, it's not.

It's attached to your life. Like, last night at the England match, the players taking the knee was booed. Like, if that happened at Anfield, people would be literally thrown out by the fans not the stewards like Trent Alexander-Arnold

getting injured was cheered what? it like this like I don't like I do feel more scouse than English but I don't like creating this divide

I travel all over the country and I love like do you know what I mean? you are English yeah yeah but

no yeah the the the footy thing is just it Like, do you know what I mean? You are English. Yeah. Yeah. But. No. Yeah. The footy thing is just, if England win the Euros, they'll parade it round London. It's the capital, isn't it? Yeah.

They're not going to come to Liverpool to do a parade. But that's my point. It's not about me. It's not about us. I just, like, I'll watch it. That's so, that's such a needy way of looking at it. If England win the World Cup, they should come to every town and village

on one of the biggest bus parades ever. They should. It takes four and a half months. They should. They absolutely should. Right. They should go to at least every major city. Right.

They might do, but, you know. They won't. They'll do it in London. We're not going to win it, so it doesn't matter. Right. Like, they'll do it in London we're not going to win it so it doesn't matter right like I'll watch it and I will want England to win

I will and as soon as they don't I won't care nice because you a lot of the smaller if you're from a smaller town and your club doesn't play

in Europe or the top leagues when you see the flags from around the place it is like they like put their club names on it it's a lot of the smaller clubs because if you're a man united fan or a tottenham fan or a chelsea fan you've got that high-end reward haven't you you've got european matches you've got finals

fa cup all of that stuff but if you're from fucking mansfield you probably would get into england because that's your chance maybe yeah so will you i have to say like i would watch the england team i am english i'm proud of being english but i would hate to be in like a european city and as we got to a cafe all the cafe owners or bar owners are like oh fuck england fans are coming and then they see you walking and go oh just more knobheads yeah i would feel ashamed of that yeah that's the the most embarrassing thing about being an england fan for all the time i've been into football is when it kicks off you're like oh and it always kicks off and you see videos of the irish fans they're just having a great time do you see when they accidentally like someone

jumped up on a car and dented it and then all the irish fans were like they were trying to fix the dent in the car and then they finally fixed it and they all started fucking going mental around the car and they're like that's the irish fans doing major like minor fucking motor repairs and having a great time and then the eng England fans are having, like, a fucking race war with Russians. Also, why the fuck would you, like, want to deal with Russian ultras? They're the most jacked-up, steroid-based fucking...

It's just not... It's just not, like, the same thing for me. Like, I am in a bad mood for days when Liverpool lose a big game England I will genuinely sit there and want them to win and the second they go out

I'll be like well that's that over sad and then I'll still enjoy the rest of the tournament I like tournament football I don't like the international break

start of the season I love watching tournament football in the summer yeah when there's like four games only one good day that's just the best

it'll be great I'm really looking forward to it, but I just don't care to the same level I do about... No, no, but that's... Yeah, that's... But it's more of like, you are still in England, and I feel like sometimes with this,

that you being a Liverpool fan is obviously the most important thing. But like, take that away. It's so sad that we're all English. You're into football, but you're like, yeah, I'd feel a bit embarrassed to be in the England away section. And like, you know, like the last year,

I was like, we're voting leave. We're voting leave. You're like, just why does it draw out that balance? Why are they booing? Because it's tribalism, isn't it? Why are they booing the Black Lives Matter knee? Like,

how have you got to that point? You might not disagree with it, but you must know that if you boo, you look fucking racist. Do you know how I watch England? I watch England in the exact same way

that I watched Leicester win the league in 2016. It was like, it'd be good if they won it. Yeah. And then they win it. That's good, isn't it well good that's good that's good it's good that they won it i would prefer them to win it over arsenal or chelsea all right so good so budweiser get in touch or coca-cola you know or uh pepsi max cherry because they're one of your personal sponsors he's doing alright roll your bags mate

and they were like they're like look we've got four tickets Carl, Adam, Dan and maybe Finn no or a spare seat

and then you know you're going to be a spare you've got somewhere for the bags isn't it nice for the roll your bags and they're like so you can go and watch

a game at the Euros would you actually pick a game that England aren't playing with like because I'd love to go abroad to watch football at a Euros

I'd go and watch a France or a Germany game would you actually pick England aren't in this game yeah 100% that's so sad innit I'd go and watch a Germany game

I wonder how many people are listening to this like slightly annoyed going but your English should support England Scousers all understand and if you're not then you don't have to yeah I wonder how many people are listening to this like slightly annoyed going, but your English should support England. Scousers all understand. And if you're not, then you don't have to.

Yeah. There's just a detachment from... It's not a hatred. It's not a dislike. It's just a detachment. But I feel the same and I'm nothing to do with being a scouser. Yeah. I feel the detachment.

Yeah. Because only so many times you can watch tournament football go fucking horribly wrong because of that. And I know it's not happened in the last few, has it? It's been a wee while.

It's been sort of like, has it been 12, 16 years since it's booted off? Probably. But it's fucking embarrassing. It makes you feel detached from it. I'd love to go and watch France. I just don't

like I say it's not that I'm like I hope England there's a lot of scouts who were like that they were like I want England out in the group stage

fuck it not asked and I'm not like that I'm just I just don't it doesn't make a difference you know why we like England to do well

why to make the atmosphere of going out better so will you be watching the tournament so John says will you will you be following it,

this tournament? I'll watch every game. I'll watch all that. I've got the opportunity to watch, yeah. But I won't give a fuck if they lose. Yeah. But you'll be watching it like, almost like you're Welsh or something.

I'll be watching it like I watch the NFL. That's my team, the LA Rams. Sort of. Not arsed. Got no attachment to them. Picked them because, you know,

ah. Your own particularly slappy form today Adam so fucking annoying the rams I'm going to do one off it's dead annoying I think you're on a little

bit of a man period today aren't you no I'm not I'm not but it's just like we're recording a podcast and I was like I've got to make my

fucking point I wouldn't go there Adam you know what I reckon I wouldn't go there Adam I think Dan's in a mood I wouldn't go there I think he looks like he's in a mood I'm trying to feels, he's in a mood. I've got to make my fucking point. I wouldn't go there, though. You reckon? I wouldn't go there. I think Dan's in a mood. I wouldn't go there. I think he looks like he's in a mood. I'm trying to... He feels like he's in a mood.

I'm genuinely not. I know you're not, but I'm telling him not to go there. Tell me what's wrong. What do you mean? You just seem really moody. No, I'm not.

I'm wrong. I'm wrong. You are. No, you're doing it like, oh, sorry. No,

I'm wrong. I must be wrong. I must be wrong. That rage radi wrong. Sorry. I must be wrong. That rage radiating off you. I must be wrong. You're feeling, this is my rage. Do you think this is my rage?

I've never seen you this angry. I'm fuming. Stage at three minutes past midnight, shouting. I can't imagine you getting angry, Dan. You are. You're such a nice, placid man. I used to get fucking

fuming when I was younger Jesus Christ I had a real like nasty temper on me and then I was in a few relationships I was in that relationship with that girl sort of 12 13 years ago that like I definitely loved her but we were

like we lost our temper in ways that were like unhealthy and I think after temper in ways that were, like, unhealthy. And I think after that, in the aftermath of that relationship, I was like, I never want to get that fucking angry with someone that I'm meant to care about. Fucking horrible and, like, jealous and, like, a rage about it. I don't know if that's just part of growing up. I just had PTSD from a nasty fucking relationship.

I haven't got time to get angry. I'd ratherd from a nasty fucking relationship i haven't got time to get angry i just rather just go away from it you haven't got time like if something's making me angry i just don't bother with it too busy yeah if someone's doing me i didn't i just go away from them yeah it's that easy i can't be asked that's the problem with the relationship in it like when like i've seen people on nights out get into, like, a discussion with someone and be like, oh, fucking, they think this. And you're like, who cares? You don't know them.

Just be like, they're a bellend. I don't know them. And just wonder. It's more difficult, like, in a relationship, isn't it? When you can't get away. Or, like, families. Fuck me. When families boot off, you can't be like,

ah, just fuck you. I don't know. You're like, oh, I've got to spend every Christmas with you. Yeah. I quite like getting angry every now and then.

It's fun. I do it on the football pitch or I don't do it at all. Don't you just do it with FIFA? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. That's a good outlet. I get it out.

That's a good outlet. Yeah. Yeah, it is healthy. I get irritated. Yeah. I just go to sleep. I can't sleep when i'm angry i'm ready to go to sleep yeah no that's real real anger yeah but when you ever are fuming at home what could you be fuming at home well if you've had an argument with your missus yeah yeah that is hard to go to sleep Or if someone's Petrified my car Yeah

Or someone's Bummed your dad That is like Someone's bummed my dad While they're Petrified my car I am fuming Mick stop playing darts

For god's sake You're not good at darts Pink slips You're not good at darts I reckon he goes And loses on purpose Oh Missed the board again I reckon he goes and loses on purpose. Oh, lost again.

Thrown back to the floor. Missed the board again. What's he pulling up? He had a skate on. He's got a hatch. A hat. A hatch. Oh.

Phoebe Cull. A hatch pan. It's like a cat flap. Yeah. It's got hatch pans. How big are these darts players that he's fucking around with? An ass flap. No, it's just a bumhole-sized flap.

I'd only play darts with small men. They don't exist. Graham wants a game. What about Deshawn? Nah, mate. I can guarantee not one member, not one person ever called Deshawn has played darts. That's something I've never thought about.

It's actually, where are the black darts players? It's a good point. Very good point. It's a good point. Can you please Google black darts players? I am. It sounds like an unbelievable sitcom from the 80s. Black darts players.

Black darts players Black darts players wives Oh yeah the lady She's famous She's like one of the best Isn't she Isn't she yeah Phil Taylor What's she called

Detta Detta Hedman Detta Hedman Devin Peterson But aside from that No There's not many There's two black darts players

Two One man One woman I wonder why What do you reckon The social politics there are I'm not sure Maybe

Black people Just don't like darts Yeah Yeah Or maybe white people Fucking love it Don't have to have a go Yeah

Or maybe the white people That play darts Don't like black people i think we've got there i think we were safe on that one down here and you bullseye that did i bullseye it yeah all right nice one maybe that's because because i'm in a mood it's because i'm fuming fuming with the racial injustice at uk darts clubs that's why i'm angry adam that's what i came here to talk about because black people are better at a lot more sports than with the racial injustice at UK darts clubs. That's why I'm angry at him. That's what I came here to talk about.

Maybe it's because black people are better at a lot more sports than white people. So like all the good black darts players are actually just really good at footy as well.

And they're like, I could be a darts player or a footballer. I'll be a footballer. Yeah, that is it. Like Killian Mbappe could be the new Phil Taylor. It's a famous choice

that a lot of sportsmen get to. They get to 18 and they're like, I'm not going to be a big fat cunt and play darts. I'm going to be one of the best paid athletes in the world. It's a massive, it's a big thing. A lot of Premier League academies lose players to darts. Is Kylian Mbappe good at darts?

Let's have a look. No. No, no. But yeah, but maybe it's been erased from history. So we can't do it again. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Famously, because Steven Gerrard went to our school,

Cardinal Inn, don't know if anybody remembers. Everyone did though, really, didn't they? Yeah. But he was really good at tennis and apparently he could have been a really good tennis player as well. So maybe there's loads of black sports people. Maybe like Dak Prescott,

the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. Great pull. I didn't expect that one. Maybe he's really good. Because if you think about it, being a quarterback, it's just like being a darts player, but with a different thing.

You've got to throw it. You're trying to get a fucking bullseye. But instead of a bullseye, catch. Or a javelin. But Dak Prescott just got paid 160 million dollars for four years

exactly so I think that's maybe why he went down the old NFL route if you're in the PDC on Sky 1 over Christmas I think it's 200 million no but this is what I'm

saying this is why there's no black darts players because they're all tempted by the money elsewhere oh yeah whereas if they were

really in it for the love of the game you'd see you'd see so many Odell Beckham Jr be a fucking lakeside da da da da

da da da da da da da yeah all of those NBA players you know those six foot eight Americans

yeah wouldn't it be easy because you're that close to the board LeBron LeBron LeBron could have been so pushing it. LeBron. LeBron could have been so good at darts.

Just put that over fucking there. Stop reaching. Stop reaching, LeBron. And you are allowed to reach over the line, aren't you? Your feet have to be behind the line. Yeah. So if you've got long arms. Just be pin the tail on the donkey.

Watch how easy that is. Fuck it in. 60. 60. Another 180, motherfucker. And that's the is. Fuck it in. 60, 60, another 180 motherfucker. And that's the voice of a black man. That's LeBron James. LeBron James.

Yeah. Phoebe Cohen. Imagine, no, no, I'm not done. I'm not done. Imagine LeBron James, you know,

when he was like, oh, where am I going to sign for? In the end, he was like, I'm going to Long Beach. Imagine if he was like, I'm going to sign for in the end he was like i'm going to long beach imagine if he was like i'm going to lakeside he's probably gonna die he's just helping me

i was like dad you can't move on i got this long beach lakeside bit that is gonna absolutely fly i know what we'll get on the clip he's got watery eyes i love it one of my favorite bits is where adam gets watery eyes you know we're having fun when adam's like leaking i just i think we need to make darts more accessible so that you can do darts on the side as well as another sport because i think we're depriving the dart world of some superstars just because they're busy you know

playing footy making way much more money doing something else exactly maybe we need to put more money into darts maybe that's the answer who does?

the world we can do it have a word darts the world we need the government need to fund darts I mean the NHS is fine stop whinging about the nhs

waiting lists there's no black people playing darts come on bojo get your priorities right uh we've announced a massive three billion package for darts that's for one year yeah the PVC World Championship you get three billion quid then you'll see black people playing darts you'll see fucking everyone playing darts then Arlington

yeah Steven Gerrard played tennis that'd been fucking random and apparently John Welsh was really good at badminton right I don't think he knows who John Welsh is

John Welsh is John Welsh was he he didn't quite make it at the top level no he's a tramian now is he a centre back I think he plays

in Australia now oh does he I know he played in the lower leagues for a while in Liverpool when he was a youth it'd be good to have

a northern working class tennis player rather than like a Tim Henmany or like Andy Murray's

obviously Scottish Greg Rosetzky the australian englishman canadian was he canadian yeah i reckon like all of our top top athletes show tennis was funded which is the next one after that i think and i could have you know could have gone quite right i am that what short tennis wooden bats yeah I got to the semi finals you could have been quite you could have been one of the best at that

yeah well I was one of the best at it there's about 52 people who have ever played it alive I could have been top 10 well I was in the top 4

of those 52 what other sports what other sports should be funded should be funded yeah underfunded sports

I think the American sports are quite underfunded over here aren't they What other sports should we fund? Should be funded? Yeah. Underfunded sports. I think the American sports are quite underfunded over here, aren't they? It'd be great. Yeah. The Major League Baseball. The UK government don't put any money into it. It's really short-sighted. You're absolutely right.

No, what I'm saying is, it must be good. Because their stadiums are full. So the market's there. We're just not tapping into it. The economy could be stimulated if you had the fucking... What? The Swansea batting practices open. The Swansea batting practices.

NASCAR. NASCAR. On the M6. I'll tell you what I think would be really good don't get invented a car racing but everyone just got like a 2017 for fiesta like you just have to go to people's ford and bootle you get between 10 and 15 grand for a car and then that's what you're racing yeah it's like the star in a reasonably priced car on top gear was one of the best bits watching like lewis hamilton and like film stars twat around the most boring like what was it a kia piece of shit or a what was it what's the 2015 kia piece of the 2015 or was it the day

it was that um it was a was it the honda it was a hyundai it was a hyundai It was a Hyundai It was a Hyundai I can't think of a thing I'm gonna Top gear It was a Hyundai Jizz Rag

I'm sure it was a Hyundai Dodgeball I think is underfunded Yeah It was quite big after the film Come on, won't it? I used to play it in the street for a bit Yeah, the professional leagues

Aren't up to much, are they? Yeah, it was a Hyundai Yeah Fencing Fencing Are you just thinking of shit sports I'm thinking of sports that don't get enough attention Because there's not enough money in it But if there was money

You could put money in anything And make it sound good Do you know what I mean We love football because we were brought up being told This is the sport to like The reason Americans don't like it is because They we were brought up being told this is the sport to like the reason Americans don't like it is because they're not brought up like that they're brought up being told baseball basketball NFL

so if we started now we could get the next generation of British kids into fucking anything we wanted the NBA snail racing yeah anything marbles I don't think there's many British kids getting in the NBA, even if they want to.

Why? I just don't think we've got some of the natural resources. No, they're all playing darts. Yeah. Those big six foot eight kids from Swansea playing darts. I fucking at this. Llewellyn! You're fucking cheating!

No, I'm not! I'm massive! Llewellyn. Lawrence. What? Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. Lawrence Llewellyn Jim Bowen? I thought of a Welsh name

You bellend He's just He's just managed to put a A dart player in there Can't believe me Bullseye joke went Underappreciated No no I got it

Marion says Laurence Llewellyn Jim Bowen Now I'm fuming Marion says Have you ever hooked up with groupies after a show yeah obviously pre laura and sam yeah yeah yeah yeah god never had a show no but you you ran shows oh but you did it so well like you see your people like they might be like you know what he told me the rules and it gave me a little bit of a fanny tremor

yeah yeah uh no we did have a you'd have to be pretty sexy to get laid being a fucking show manager like comics can get laid i was the fucking general manager thank you daniel all right yeah fucking those stripes I was building manager not just show building manager as in staff money

caretaker right everything they're everything alright thanks but now no one ever tried to

get off of me because I'm in a long term relationship thanks Daniel it doesn't mean they've not like had a little I know when I say

the rules I say please no talking turn your phones off don't try and suck my dick you had to I had to it was too often

I've tickled plenty of vagina post show can I have a can I have a selfie Adam can I have a tickle we had a have a way could he come out with us once didn't we

nope what happened there? Nothing Don't know what he's on about You don't want to sell the story Oh in August In August I remember

I remember I was with my uncle Colin Who was staying And my uncle Colin Is like he's from a different fucking world than me And he comes to visit once a year. And I was like, I've got a gig in Liverpool. And I clocked her on the way.

She's like, how you doing? I love you. And my uncle is the most sort of controlled, sound, it's like middle class guy ever. And he gave me a look like, she's a crazy fucking bitch. Like it was quality. I was like, yeah, she mad though. She seemed lovely though. But like sometimes after a show you know you got a bit of a vibe uh and you're

like yeah whatever one girl this was years ago at the birmingham glee and uh a girl come up to me with her friend afterwards i went just went to the birmingham bar to get a drink and her and her friend were stood there and she was like made it very clear very quickly that she was single and then she said something like she said something like yeah I was talking to a guy

the other night but it didn't go with me, he didn't try hard enough and I went how hard have I got to try to get you to come back with me you've just done it on stage and I was like okay I didn't even hard enough and i was hard have i got to try to get you to come back with me i sure you've just done it on stage okay i didn't even watch the show god bless comedy i got a message from a girl uh from the preston frog who was on a date i clocked her she was really attractive she was on a date she was smiling and laughing at me and i never saw her once look at the guy she was on a date with. And I was like, she seems really attractive.

Like something about her. And I got a message later. She was like, hi, I've just been on a date and we came to see you at the frog. And I spent the whole night thinking, why am I not on a date with Dan Nightingale? And I was like,

I know comedy. Thank you comedy. Let me reply. And we dated each other for six weeks and it didn't work out that sounds lovely that sounds like it was really good

there's also times after the show I just love comedy it makes it so easy like when you're this you don't get a lot of women going sorry I know you're just

sat here having drinks but I'm on a date with a guy and I've been looking over at you bald man slightly overweight shit glasses

thinking why am I not on a date with that guy give me a microphone on the crowd and i'm stealing your fucking lady mr steal your girl over there um the the opposite could be quite true after the show though where like because of the power balance in mate selection amongst humans which tends to be or certainly the the conception is that all men want to fuck all women so it's up to women to go i'll fuck that one do you know i mean yeah it's a generalization it some of it holds true but that's sort of yeah yeah but you know what i mean i'm not saying it's true but there's a the general perception yeah so because of that which i'm not saying is anyone's fault i think it's just the way society is and

there's many uh reasons that we won't go into for it but a lot of women and used to just being like i'll fuck you and having a mango okay so there's been times after the show where i've sort of gone for a drink at the bar or with another comic and we've stayed in the bar it may be like a non-purpose-built comedy club so a purpose-built comedy club you tend to stay in the green room don't you yeah you still watch yourselves but maybe if the show's like a jonglers which is in a nightclub and then you go for a drink in the bar afterwards because you don't want to go back to the hotel or whatever and you another comic and a group of girls sort of come over to talk to you or even a group of mix but there's a few single girls sometimes a girl

has got really upset because she's been like too drunk and i'm just like this is just not for me at all i'm just being really really like angry when i've gone no like they've gone to kiss me or something i've gone oh no sorry no and they're like wow it's really really weird because you've you've taken their status away from them yeah they're like hang on i'm weighing you up you should be very appreciative that's brutal that's a great power move if you've got it to be like nah fucking have you met her funny funny rats at the a gig though stand out like i what's a funny what the comics who are just like like literally like a dog trying to scratch their arsehole on a carpet just thrutching around a bar waiting for a girl to be like are you the comedian doing that sex jim jeffries and

i can say this because he's too big to give a fuck now was the biggest fanny rat i have ever seen when i was coming up in stand-up when i was brand new i'll make a note for this this will be this week's clip we'll tag him he was a headliner let's see if he retweets this he was the fucking worst i have ever seen he like he made it look like he was just doing comedy to try and have sex with girls from an audience afterwards and i saw he gigged at the hyena several times when i was up there he was a bit of a regular he'd not been in the uk long from australia and when it didn't work like jim is one of the best comics I've ever worked with. Like Jim Jefferies is famous now,

but for a reason. He stood out when I was brand new. There was comics that I watched Michael McIntyre and never thought anything of it. Michael McIntyre, when I was brand new into comedy, he wasn't even headlining, he was doing the sport. I was like, he's all right. He's just a bloke from London doing observations.

It wasn't dead strong. Dara O'Brien didn't look like like much special but then there was these guys that just stood out and jim jeffries was one of them and he did well with ladies and he was single he's 25 26 at the time why not when he didn't get a bite it's kind of the saddest thing you'll see is a clearly brilliant comedian who was just pestered by like ah come on i want to fucking do you remember me and like trying to like almost like sometimes there's a comment you get no people excuse me you have a comment you weren't even trying to be noticed he was like literally ah i can remember me from the fucking stage and girls

would be like oh yeah yeah, it was good. Ah, great. And then they'd wander off. Fuck's sake. And I remember him, I was asking him about it and he was like, oh yeah, fucking, he was like, never try and pull girls at normal bars. Why would the fuck, you're a comedian. It makes you like three scores hotter than you are.

Like if you're a five in real life, you're a fucking eight in a comedy club. And then he was like, you're a if you're a five in real life you're a fucking eight in a comedy club and then he was like like you're a six but if you have a good gig Dan you're a fucking nine

and I was young enough that I was like yeah that's really good yeah that's really good and now I look back and think that was a grown man going it's a three point push

he was such an absolute funny man have you ever had fucking great comic and a decent bloke an absolute have you ever had a great comic and a decent bloke as well have you ever had a line in your set to sort of be like i'm available i mean i'd be lying i talk about my life so when i when i've been in a relationship i've got jokes about being in a relationship and when i was single which i was it's not that i was writing them to be like and this is the bit where i'll try and get laid but i i don't go on and do one line is like we were talking about masai graham before or like those guys have just got jokes and

it doesn't matter what it's about they're just jokes i talk about my life so like you when you've gone through a breakup you talk about it and when you're single you talk about it and it is a bit of an advertisement to the single mental ladies in the room in it yeah i used to have a line which was a about girls want too much they want a guy who's financially stable and doesn't take himself seriously and the punchline was they're mutually exclusive and i would say look i don't take myself seriously if you want someone who'll make you laugh when i got on a date with someone come up to me after the show and i'll take you out for a drink jesus but my phone contract is in someone else's name i'm not financially stable yeah big laugh ha ha ha it's

a it's a good joke and a not so subtle like sales hi it's actually really honest isn't it listen I am a fuck up a lovable fuck up though yeah come see me I'll be signing your tits

at the bar but yeah a lot of those a lot of those girls and people that are into that are like mental

yes because there's loads of really sound attractive women that I'm sure thought oh they're nice but just went I'm not fucking a comic

are you alright Carl sorry I didn't mean to ask the television the screen was on you could tell because Adam just went zump speaking of

Australian comedians oh nicely done rowey bags get out today's guest is Thomas Green he'll be in

shortly for us even shorter for you straight after this money come break can't stop calling everybody we have less and less of them

it's going to be a good day you're going to really enjoy it it's going to be really good Thomas Green's coming up

see you after the break nice hey listen to this this podcast have a word yeah

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Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world. Different themes every month as well. You might get a month's worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers

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Ladies and gents, welcome back to the third section of Have a Word. Don't try to annoy me there. You started saying ladies before you pressed it. Don't really annoy me there. What? Because it'll be like, ladies and gents.

Do you want me to do it again? No, no, no, it's fine. Hang on, let me just get... Fuck off, Finn. Do you want me to do it again? Cut that out. Go on. Ladies and...

That was your fault, Finn. Ladies and gents... Let's start again. Let's do it now. Boys and go on um ladies and that's your fault finn ladies and let's start again let's do it now boys and girls men and women and everything in between so inclusive isn't it yeah ladies and gentlemen and those who don't identify as either yeah friends yeah fellas bitches and all the rest of y'all all of y'all motherfuckers welcome welcome to part three of four what is happening show nearly did the what's happening white people again it doesn't work on this podcast no motherfuckers man crazy ass women crazy ass man too men who have good mental health

women who have good mental health people in the middle who have good and bad mental health, women who have good mental health, people in the middle who have good and bad mental health ginger motherfuckers children, the kids the teenagers anyone welcome to listen to this podcast, welcome to the show Muslims, yep, Muslims too Christians, Jews

Hindus, Sikhs Buddhists Vegans Vegetarians Fruitarians Fruitarians Pescatarians Pescatarians The Welsh

Always the Welsh Non-offending paedophiles Oh nice If you can't help your feelings As long as you're not fucking the kids You're welcome Yeah Thomas Green's here Do you think You know, if you can't help your feelings, as long as you're not fucking the kids, you're welcome. Yeah. Thomas Green's here.

Do you think... What a transition! That reminds me! Non-offending paedophiles. We've got a guest! What are you thinking about? What the fuck? Not kids!

Non-offending paedophiles are definitely using the internet to watch this shit. That's what they're into. Hiya, Thomas. You all right? I'm good. How are you, mate? Absolutely cracking.

Yeah. Got a sore throat. Have you? A bit messy. Just on the topic you've just mentioned. I'm fuming, by the way. Dan's in a very bad mood. I'm not.

Just don't worry about it. He'll try and hold it in. Is this why when I walked in You asked if I was a bit stressed Because you were projecting From you two You're one of the Smiliest happiest people I know

I love hanging out with you Consider you a great friend And I now know Because you told me That you needed a poo Yeah I did That M6 shit You gave off a vibe of

That drive was awful Everything's horrendous and i'm i'm barely happy to be here which is so off for what i'm used to with you yeah like you were happier last week when you arrived to do my gig here when you took nine hours to do a three-hour journey you were happier then than when i just greased like hey, Tom, you're like, I need a poo. Yeah. That's the point though. Biologically, I think, where you need to shit almost too much.

Yeah. Total heading. You're like, no, no. You're about to do a poo in your pants in reception. That will stress you out a bit. And there was a lady getting fucking PPE gear. And I was like, I could just nick one of those boxes and wipe my ass in a minute.

I will shit in your PPE. Yeah. Yeah, that mask would do very well. I can understand why you're stressed. As soon as you got in here, you were a different man. Oh, mate. Fucking felt way lighter.

Happy on life. But just before we move on and welcome our guests in properly, something is just on my mind because obviously we've been thinking of ways. We want to grow this podcast, Tom. Okay. We want to really grow it.

We want it to be the biggest podcast in the world. We're aiming for 200 million Patreon subscribers by the end of 2023 right realistic is that legit you're aiming for that 200 yeah it's 200 million same as netflix have got that's twice netflix no they've got 200 million i thought it was 100 million 200 million netflix i said 300 million initially then i realized netflix got 200 million i was like you know what that's probably our ceiling but we're gonna shit on disney plus go ahead so and then you'll be really happy after that shit right here's the thing so stressed we mentioned non-invented four right and you said you just said something that struck a chord with me yeah so you said you know they're not on the internet watching this well you said they are watching this but

you're being facetious you implying that they were on another bit of the internet yeah well that's i'm just wondering whether it will help our growth if we can get this podcast onto the dark web right i mean so what do we have to do snuff movies when you horrendous images of innocence yeah have a with will be the first podcast on the dark web. So what... Like Hollyoaks late night. Have a word, dark web. How could we possibly...

Like, we talk about... We could sell them drugs we've got. We just spent five minutes in the first section talking about our dads getting bummed. The only way we could make it darker is if we actually got your dad in. Like, on Have A Word Normal YouTube, the only way we could make it darker is if we actually got your dad in like on have a word normal youtube we talk about your dad getting bummed but on have a word dark web it fucking happens mick's getting a phone call i don't have a stripe well i really think this might be cocaine, you know. Why? Someone sent it. Because, right.

Smell there. You know what cocaine smells like. There's no point lying. How dare you? He loves the bugger sugar. I've always wanted to do this. Smell it. Has anyone got a knife?

I've always wanted to do this. I've got a ninja star. You've got a fucking ninja star. Someone, perfect for a cake. Go on, throw it over. Look, I know what I'm throwing. Underarm, I know you're going to cut it open, but I want you to smell where I told you to smell. I want to see your reaction.

I want you to smell it. I want you to smell it. I swear on my mother's grave, that has been nowhere near my bimbo. I can see that's what you're thinking in your face. I swear. This is the statement. How is that an acceptable statement in a workplace?

I want you to smell where I told you to smell. Smell the statement. How is that an acceptable statement in a workplace? I want you to smell where I told you to smell. Smell the oil. Yeah, a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good or bad. It smells like... I told you the other day. Yeah.

Cocaine! So thanks for sending this in. This is getting us demonetised. But it's going to be worth it if this is a kilogram of cocaine. Please. I'll do a key. I'll do it. It's okay.

I'm just doing a star. Can you imagine if I just went... That's castor sugar. Oh, no, is it? Either that or it's cat. How do you know it's castor sugar so quickly Have you done that before as well Well I'm a castor sugar addict as well Honestly

Cocaine and bacon is one of my favourite combos If anything This is actually worse for his health I've lost my fucking Half of my nose and I've got diabetes Joe's really funny. You're a good punk. I like it.

The first appearance of that bag is on next week's episode, because we've already pre-recorded it. I'm back in time. So next week's episode is with Sean Walsh, who did the gig with you last week. All right. And we talked about maybe opening that bag of cocaine on a Patreon episode,

but it's going to be like Inception. What was it about? I just want to just run this through you. Run this through you? Yes. Pass, pass, pass, pass. Yeah, run through is a different scenario. But we opened up, introduced the segue, wasn't it?

And it was the dark web and then cocaine. I'm, this is a fucking strong intro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm loving this. Yeah. It's very. You do get very you do get you can get drugs

from the dark web apparently yeah I want to know what demographic on the dark web you're pitching to all of them as long as they're willing

to sign up to Patreon for £3 a month £5 a month or £10 a month patreon.com slash halfawaypod as long as they're willing to sign up

I don't care what they do in their spare time yeah do you think if they can work the dark web out they can work out dark web out they can work out how to not pay for our patron is that an issue on breach on the dark web it'll have to be crypto even though i see on our analytics every week that people watch our patreon through whatsapp

somewhere we don't put the patreon link have you got click and share payment system yeah we have actually yeah it's a Bitcoin a month. Just one. And you can- One Bitcoin. You can literally do whatever you want to me or Adam. That's how that works. Oh, okay.

You pay to bum my dad. And I watch it. Bitcoin a month. What was it, 40 grand on Bitcoin? Would you let your mum bum your dad for 40K? Yeah. I get all 40K. Does he ever say it?

Yeah. Dad, I'll give you two grand wow you are a harsh dad pimp you're keeping 38 grand i just know you keep those tricks tricks i just know that my dad could use two grand so that's his price my price is 38 grand to watch me dad get bummed. I just love how we see this. It's much harder to watch your dad get bummed than be me dad getting bummed. Do you know what I mean? It'll just be like having a big poo for him where I'll have that image in my head forever.

In reverse, like Tenet. Just like. Oh, fucking hell. Just like Tenet? Just like. Oh, fucking hell. Just like Tenet. Everyone watches that film going, she's like. Making my living off this, Thomas. Silly, silly bullshit.

How's your dad? How's he doing? Does he work for Cashinan? He's a nurse. Oh, he's used to it. He's used to it, yeah. Is he really a nurse? Yeah, actual.

In Australia? In Australia, yeah. Where are you from in Australia? Adelaide. Adelaide. Mickey D's from Adelaide. Yes! Oh, I love Mickey D so much.

Spent the first three months of this year with him. Oh, I love him so much. He's one of my favourite people We went to the New Zealand Comedy Festival I went 2008 Never met him before We were friends within

I'd say about 35 seconds Yeah He's just one of those guys Who's just like There's just no He's like Ah you're fucking great And we were

Bezos for the whole of that tour Yeah And his sister And he told me about Adelaide Yeah It's a bit smaller Than the bigger cities 100% But a really good atmosphere We were Bezos for the whole of that tour. And his sister. And he told me about Adelaide. Yeah. It's a bit smaller than the bigger cities. 100%. But a really good atmosphere.

It's like a overpopulated country town. Right. But it's not. It's a city, but it's like a country town where everyone... So when you... Everyone knows each other. Everyone knows each other. But when the main question you always get,

and you know someone's from Adelaide, is they'll go, what school did you go to? That's the Adelaide question. What school did you go to? That's the Adelaide question. What school did you go to? I went to- Cardinal Heenan. Everyone did. Fucking close.

I went to Tyndale. Why is that close? Because it's a religious thing. You said Cardinal. Right. Okay. This was always going to come up today. It was my intention to bring it up.

It was a religious school. My school. Is that the start of what you went into nah oh you gotta say indoctrination started when i was a kid is that what we're talking about religion sure a bit of it you know i thought you're talking about mickey d i was gonna say yes the reason i love mickey d the reason i love mickey d is because he's the only person who has ever voluntarily called me Rowie. And that was the name I tried to sort of, you know when you want a nickname at school? Like my name on MSN Messenger was Rowie. No one accepted it. No, everyone was like, Adam. In fact, Alan became a nickname of mine for a bit. We called him Alan. And Powerballadalad.

I don't want no more. Yeah, but he is the most Australian person ever. He's like, Rowey! I'm like, yes, Mickey! Let's be friends. Yeah, he is. You don't even have to ask. So, indoctrination.

So you went, Tyndale was a Catholic school. Of course your man knows his segues. What Adam's getting at is that Thomas has has a a interesting childhood and past yeah i do i feel like we've sort of flirted around it but not actually said what's happened oh yeah cult life yeah cold it's the only life i know what you do all right cool life everybody talking about right what do you know what do you know? What do you know? We should ask him about it, should we? Rather than do the theme tune. You were in a cult.

We used to sing that song in church, actually. Yeah. It was a Christian. Yeah. Yeah, a Christian cult. So they would argue that it's not a cult because they don't think it is. It's just a stream of Christianity.

It's called Pentecostal. If you know what Pentecostal is, it's the one where they fucking pray over you and they're led by the spirit and the... And fall over, that sort of stuff. Yeah. But yeah, it was... When I got out of it, 28,

that's when I realised, fuck, that was culty. So when you say they pray over you, like, oh! Right. can you just elaborate on that? Because I feel like there's people watching who don't know what you mean. Okay. Right.

Basically, they're trying to deliver you constantly from demonic holds on your life, right? And they can be coming from any angle, right? Now, I had people pray over me to try and, you know, deliver me or whatever. But they would literally pray over people in church. So you're on the floor and they're over you? You could be lying on the floor.

Yeah. You could be kneeling on the floor. You'd be standing. They'd put their hand on your head. Like a real Satan be gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Proper. Mate, if you want to get into it,

I've got some fucking crazy shit to tell you. But like, we want to get into it. We do want to get into it. You really want to. So when did you, let's get context.

Okay, okay, okay. What happened, like, were you born into it? Were your family into it? What's the story? I grew up in a very Baptist household

as a kid. So age of five, you know, typical thing told in reception that, you know, if you sin, you go to hell. So typical. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catholic school.

Yeah. St. Margaret Maddy's. Not a home though. So you were raised Catholic? Yeah. Yeah, right. Okay. You didn't get a home, hell, sin and shit, did you?

Not at the house. That's what it means? Household? Oh, no, no, no. okay you didn't get a home hell sin and shit did you in school not in the house that's what it means household oh no no no at school and church and like at home it wasn't like

god doesn't exist my mum wasn't like atheist she was an alcoholic do you know what I mean she was just like fucking legend

yeah yeah yeah there's a man in the sky and eh if you're being a cunt when I'm not watching, because I'm fucking pissed. Yeah. He'll fucking burn you to death. God says, get down to bargain booze for your mum.

I've just had a message from God. He says. You think my ma's Derek O'Connor? There's 20 super kings. Did your mum smoke? No. Drink? Little bit.

Yeah. Not loads. Did you ever get sent to the shop for your mum for alcohol as a kid? No. Yeah. I did. She had to go in and just like... How old were you?

Like a child. Like I was like 12. How fucking convincing was your ID? No, the fella just knew me, ma. So I would just go in and be like, can I have... I was thinking, fucking hell. And then I'm looking like this at seven. He's getting a beard.

That's the great thing about having a fucking seven-year-old with a beard. Go on, love. I just walk in and... Take the car, it's raining. There's a place that's called Kelly's W wines well and the fellow behind there was called peter and i just go in and i piece of me my something down for um a bottle of vodka or a half bottle of vodka and he'd be like it's for your mum and this wasn't in the year 1830 this was late 90s this was early 90s oh my god every fucking law imaginable

as like a licensed premises and but one time I tried me luck because I like me and my mate were like

should we get some bevies yeah I was like I'll just say it's for me ma and I walked in and I was like alright mate can I have

eight cans of calm for me ma and he went no your mum drinks vodka get out eight cans of carl for me ma and he went no your mom drinks vodka if you'd have just thought it through so different experience growing up for you thomas by any chance yeah no i didn't get sent down to the fucking bot low to get some bevs the bot low bot low oh we say the offy offy the off license

fuckers oh off license off the offy the where you licence The fuckers Oh Off licence Offy The botlo Where you go and get off your fucking head Yeah you do The botlo I mean it's quite suffix The botlo Yeah

Literally they'll have some branding Where it's bottle Hyphen O Botlo But yeah no I Yeah so raised very Baptist

And then went to a very Baptist church My whole life They're pretty strict anyway Very very So when I hit Like my teens I still didn't want to go to hell church my whole life. They're pretty strict anyway, aren't they? Very, very. So when I hit my teens, I still didn't want to go to hell. So my idea of rebelling against that constricting environment

was to go to a cooler church. So I went to one where there was young people up the front, hip music. I was like, this is cool. This is fucking good. The first time I get there. I remember those cunts.

We went on holiday in North Wales and and they made christianity seem a bit cooler we're doing a christian group and rachel's fit and you're like well maybe i'm a christian you're like no she's just dead fit and they were like they sang the christian songs that we didn't sing at our school they sang shit like shine jesus shine oh yeah fucking you ever that would go we never sung that our church cv i felt like there was a way more like cool like we sound boring cv dull as fuck yeah yeah yeah gloria gloria

and then down the world's greatest by r kelly as i was now made famous by this podcast i feel like the c of a staff would be similar to the baptist quite yeah it's stricter quite dour they got the numbers on the fucking hymn charts you know i was in a choir we did psalms you were in a choir psalms are like i was in a choir shit hymns psalms are just like two is not a choir we were both in choir actually yeah

I did one gig at an old people's home there was eight of us and then we retired the band got out while we were ahead you know what I mean I played 40 and talked to girls

what did you start the choir what you made it sound like you started the choir lads we're starting the choir did you just did you just rob

an old people's home lads I've got an idea we can't get eight cans of Carly because Peter's a smart cunt Did you just rob an old people's home? Lads, I've got an idea. We can't get eight cans of Carly because Peter's a smart cunt. But I know, shine, Jesus, shine. There's seven, there's eight of us. Let's go down the old people's home.

Shine, Jesus, shine. Fucking jackal in the purse. No, we were selected by the school. And I wasn't like the leader. But, you know what I mean? I felt like I was. I bet you were. You thought you were or you weren't?

I felt like there was just an unspoken agreement. Did you stand at the front and was there a fucking flying V behind you? Yeah, essentially. Are you a tenor? What? What kind of voice are you? He was getting served at five. He doesn't know.

He doesn't fucking know what voice he is you got him Carl the kid's quiet we weren't taking it that seriously probably tenors then quite high

I had a solo bit the balls haven't dropped how can yeah quite high isn't it tenor no is it not

no it's like the it's the high man oh soprano's that if you're a six year old bass the doctor really fucked up your circumcision i'll take it back he had a beard at eight didn't he i had a saxophone solo i just did it with my mouth there's so much bullshit

do it now kind of bullshit Catholic school did you go to what saxophone do you listen to and then we'd come in for the final bit

I'd take like 20 seconds before I joined back in with the choir just to give me voice a little bit of rest before I went back in if anyone else went to a Catholic school

and they don't recognise this the priest's like now we need a fake saxophone solo. I just did it. And they went, do that on game night. And I was like, on game night? Yeah, yeah, yeah. On game night? Yeah, that's what they call robbing old people.

Was there a competition? Yeah. Who'd you compete? Fair calls. yeah that's what they call robin competition yeah who did percussion your fat mate slapping his tits together like okay now were his tits No All true Oh my god Fuck it now I was never in a choir So So you went on your own To a different church

Yeah yeah At 13 you were like I'm break What were your parents like About that It wasn't like I went in And didn't know anyone It was people from school

Who knew Yeah Who went there and stuff And they were the cool kids And it was all The cool Christian kids yeah the girl like you're talking about

fucking Rachel's fit that kind of mob you're talking about and so you go in there and I'm like oh fuck people dress very chilled here like it's

a bit low key that's how they lure you in right what a way to rebel that host though I know I'm going to do heroin while I'm going to the altar church

heroin where sermons are longer Thomas I'm going to do heroin while I'm going to the altar church. Heroin. Where sermons are longer. Thomas, they wear denim. You fucking lost it. Traders on a Sunday, Thomas. You animal. Love it. What couldn't you do then as a teenager? What do you mean? Can you not talk to girls? You couldn't do it. You couldn't even wank. You animal Love it Fucking hell

What couldn't you do then As a teenager What do you mean Can you not like talk to girls Fucking You couldn't do it You couldn't even wank You couldn't do anything

But did you though Well I'm not meant to wank Fuck yeah Yeah yeah Mate I This is how bad it was right This is how much the guilt was on me As a teenager

Genuinely at the age of 16 I felt so guilty about wanking That I used to tell my mum Every time I did it. I've got three questions. Bye. Did you? Did you tell her you were about to? This is 100% true. 100%.

I believe you. Did you tell her you were about to while 100% I believe you did you tell him you were about to while you were doing it or after you'd finished was it like just off for a wank was it

I'm wanking or was it mum I've come which one of the three it was so often did you word it just like Adam worded it mum

I've come he felt so guilty that he was masturbating as a young Christian but he still worded it Mum I've jizzed

I feel really bad Fucking blind my light mum No It was It was So often That I I would just

Call out from my room And be like Mum I did it again And she knew What I meant She knew she fucking knew that's insane how did she react uh she she used to get frustrated because uh it would happen all

the time and i remember one time she because she wasn't doing it She literally called back to me And was like Oh Tom sweetheart You don't have to tell me Every single time Yeah Every other Yeah Like a normal person

Intervals Yeah Fucking crazy Right So You go to the cool church Yep You're done with the cool kids

Yep Are you thinking about How often you would have had to tell your mum So you go to the cool church. Yep. You don't meet the cool kids. Yeah. Are you thinking about how often you would have had to tell your mum? I just think it's so hilarious that you felt so guilty, but you couldn't stop. I think that's so funny. Because it's biological. I know, because 16 years old, it doesn't matter how much you're scared of God

or having to tell your mum. Yeah. You still can get hard. Even though, you know, in about 10 minutes, I'm'm gonna have to tell my mom i've cracked one out but at the time there's not enough of you to be like that's so awful i might not do it you're like because you can't this is the thing right the whole thing about religion and that guilt and making you feel bad for fucking feeling normal shit. Yeah.

You felt guilt about sex, you felt guilt about everything. And it's just like, why? It's a fucking normal part of life. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for sex. Yeah, fucking life!

Fucking, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, oh man. Unreal. So you felt guilty about that. You felt guilty about, yeah, you couldn't bang.

You couldn't drink. you couldn't smoke. Couldn't hang around with kids that weren't from the church? How were they with that? It was very interesting because my sort of experience being able to hang out with fucking normal people was through sport. So, you know, the footy club, that sort of thing. You'd meet normal kids who were like, oh, get fucked. You know, oh, you just said a naughty.

Yeah. And they'd be talking about banging their missus, you know, when they were in high school. Oh, wow. Yeah. What is that like? Yeah, yeah. Do you tell your mum?

Mum, I did it again. Did you put a fucking franger on your dick? Franger is a condom, I just realised. It probably isn't. We're learning words today Botlo Franger Yeah

I feel like people got Franger from context Because They just put a franger On your dick That's a condom By the way Is it a franger

Instead of coat hanger Like I don't know Is that too fucking Tom Yeah Just for the rest of the episode At no point Do you ever have to

Check what you've just said Yeah Yeah Oh god I'm taking it too far We're the black We're the black darts players for the rest of the episode at no point do you ever have to check what you've just said yeah yeah oh god I'm taking it too far we had a black we had a black darts players section in the last bit

oh yeah was that actually I thought that was just us chatting in the room you actually talked about that on the pod for a good 15 minutes a lot

yeah fair enough yeah I mean I've got no expertise in darts I can't offer anything no neither can we that's not the point

that'd be a British darts a very British game offer anything. No, neither can we. That's not the point. That'd be British. Dart's a very British game. Simon Whitlock is Australian, is he not? Who? Simon Whitlock. Who the fuck is that?

The wizard. Yes. The wizard. Simon the wizard Whitlock. Bro, we're talking about me coming out of a cult and you transition to wizards.

I know. It's not that far apart. You've just got to keep one like sort of finger on the story and then we'll, you know, we'll go back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, I'm saying... Have a word is like a tree. There's many branches, but we always come back to the root. Okay. The root. That's another Aussie word for you. I mean, what's root?

Root means fuck. Oh, did you give her a root? Did you give her a root? Did you root? Did you give her a fuck? Did you give her a fuck? Did you give her a fuck? Don't talk to me about how you use the word fuck because you guys say,

this confused the fuck out of me when I first got here, when people say, oh, did I fuck? I was like, I don't know. You tell me. Did you? I don't know. Did I fuck? I'm like, what?

Fuck's a place as well. Fuck's a place. Get to fuck. Get to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a good thing. That means I don't believe you.

I want you to get to fuck, mate. Oh, okay. Thanks, man. That means I don't believe you. Get to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like a good thing. That means I don't believe you. I want you to get to fuck, mate. Oh, okay. Thanks, man. That means I don't believe you. Get to fuck. Yeah, if you go, oh, I had an 18-person gangbang with 17 Swedish women last week.

I'd be like, get to fuck. That's more believable than your fucking choir story, though. Yeah, you'd have to tell your mum about that one. Jesus Christ. I'd tell everyone about that one. That shit would be on Instagram. He's going to hell.

As soon as the Swedes are involved, it gets messy. Yeah. I would think God liked me if I had a 17-strong Swedish lady gangbang. I think God might be like, It's a boss woman. When I finish with these girls, I'm getting a EuroMillions ticket because I'm feeling pretty lucky. I might become quite religious.

There is that promise on religion, isn't there, of something good. That's why people get involved in it. They hook you in by, you know, fucking… Why can't you have the good thing now, though? What? Yeah. I have the good thing now. This is the thing.

This is my whole… So whole so 28 when i got out of it all i know we're jumping a little bit ahead but yeah that's okay my whole view on life without getting too emosh was just it flipped my grid because i was always thinking and almost selfishly thinking about well does this life really matter? Because at the end of the day, it's fucking a part of eternity, right? Whereas now, I'm like, I'm an atheist, and I'm like, fucking this is all I've got. I better make the fuck of most of it.

Yeah. Did you genuinely believe through all of that time, like, I've got to be good, I'm being watched, I'm being judged, and I want to get into heaven. So that would be amazing. It will be all of my dreams come true forever and ever looking back on it

there was definitely points when because I had I got severe anxiety as a kid in teenage years and stuff and into my early adulthood I had really bad anxiety

as a result of all of that a little bit of pressure just a little bit and I think there was because I thought about it

because I'm writing my show for Australia this year, which is about this story, I got to do a bit of reflection. I also had, you know, I've had some counselling and stuff, you know, post-cult. And I think genuinely there were points, and I could lock down some points where I actually would question stuff, even as a 16-year-old. What the fuck?

Why is that cunt rolling on the floor over there i understand like and like oh no he's just been hit by the spirit they when i walked into this church the first time at 16 generally i went from fucking him there was a guy rolling on the floor how does that happen rolling on the floor and i said what's going on over there and they said oh don't worry about them they're the holy rollers that's the bell i genuinely i was like what's a holy roller they're like they have been hit and inundated so much with the holy spirit that they cannot physically control themselves and they manifest and that's how they manifest now you're probably going to hit the fucking bell, but it's going to get a lot worse, Carl.

It sounds like a skater gang. Like those in a fucking rink. Fucking watch out for those guns. They're the holy rollers. At the skate park. They rock. Stay away from the holy rollers. Christians on BMXs.

You know they're coming because they're coming down the road with, Shine, Jesus, shine. christians on bmx's you know they're coming because they're coming down the road all the saxophone players going spot on it's just like the instrument I've spent years I'm so close to laughing I was an actual poo the holy roll oh yeah 100% though

100% so what happened when you didn't have one of those when everyone's like more and doing like god-based all right why were you like why am i not getting that no so i you're right where are them wet wipes just in case oh Finn's just been editing and he's locked up he's about to

he's alright don't worry Finn hi Finn I was real I hadn't said hello mate how are ya Adam don't need a poo

no I'm good carry on alright what was your question again Dan oh why did you never yeah because if I got to a church and they were like these are the holy roaders I'm good Carry on Alright What was your question again Dan? Oh Why did you never Yeah Because if I got to a church

And they were like These are the holy roses They're actually like I've been a fucking Why were you like Why has that never happened to me? So At first

No reaction I was like What the fuck And I Because here's the thing People have different manifestations It wasn't just fucking rolling on the floor There were people

Who I I Fucking hell He's not on the floor. There were people who I – oh, fucking hell. He's not going to believe me. There were people in the back of the church who would howl like a wolf. They were just – in the back of the church. And I remember going – it's like a fucking David Attenborough documentary going up in here. Like people rolling on the floor, howling.

I'm like, This is fucked. And then, yeah, they probe you. That sounds like me. I used to play the clarinet. He's crying. Sonny. Sonny. I just love how you're loving the musicals are, but I could just see Dan's like,

I want to fucking know what happened. I'm dying to find out. I love it when he's in a really silly mood. He's like, I'm trying to do an interview and he's trying to do an impression of every instrument The worst impression ever Sounded like a baboon in mating season I am so

So keen for his oboe I want an oboe Oh my god But yeah So at first I didn't have any Like reaction and stuff And I was like

What's going on here And then I remember That He's gone His car's gone you know I'm sweating like a bastard Go on

Go on I'll listen It's him doing the fucking Saxophone It set you off Our church never had a saxophone by the way Yeah I feel like you had quite a nice church

Your saxophone is where you're going to Yeah We never had that Very catholic thing It's about abundance isn't it We just had demons being delivered Yeah We've got holy rollers

Werewolves Saxophones are catholic Werewolves Werewolves Where did werewolves come from He said holy rollers werewolves saxophones werewolves werewolves where did werewolves come from he said holy rollers werewolves

I said howling like wolves there was no fucking werewolves I didn't go to fucking Transylvania I mean I may as well have because nothing there

was fucking real but anyway so they had they had they prayed over me a few times. And then the one thing, because the whole thing was about prophecy and prophetically speaking over you and telling things about your life. And this is the thing, they get you by you thinking, right,

your whole life you've been involved in this. And when you go to this new church and all these people, they're sound people, they look up. This is the thing, They're not bad people. They're all fucking indoctrinated as well. There are bad people in there leading it and taking advantage of these innocent people. But I remember one day they were praying over me and he knew about my

nighttime anxiety. Now that was what made me go, fuck, maybe there's a bit of fucking reality to this because he fucking knew about something just only i fucking knew and my ex like you know my fucking i didn't think that there was a possibility that she could have told someone that i could have told someone it just felt like very personal a lot of young men in the cold get nighttime anxiety. Right? Yeah. Fuck, it's a common thing.

Yeah, and he looks like he might as well. He might as well. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, so that spun me out a bit. And then I thought maybe I should trust her a bit more. So trusting in it, I got prayed over one day, and I just started laughing hysterically. Like Adam. Like laughing like a hyena.

And that was my fucking like laughing really high pitch was my sort of manifestation and i remember thinking like it was like uncontrollable laughter and looking back on it now you go fuck was what the fuck happened it's not well let's think about this scientifically and logically your brain is very very powerful right you can convince yourself of shit and if everyone around you is convincing you this is how life is and this is the reality you start to believe and buy into that reality and you trick yourself into thinking that something's happening nothing was fucking happening but your brain is controls your whole body right so i was just

laughing and i used to think and so it was almost like plov's dog. When I get prayed over, I just laugh. That was my thing. And they were fine with that. They weren't like, he's taking the piss. No, no, no, no. I want to just howl like a wolf, like a normal fucking Christian.

Why would he roll out? You either roll on the floor or stop fucking laughing at me. They had to open the doors one day because a lady wouldn't stop rolling into the wall. So they opened the door, she rolled outside. Right, I'm not having that. That's bullshit i'm not you might as well let her roll to the car jesus jif straight into a fucking busy road she lives at the bottom of the hill

saves on taxes I don't believe you That's bullshit No No come on Why would I make that shit up She should have rolled Into a car park Huh

There was lawn outside Oh nice Oh obviously She should have rolled Around the lawn Yeah Did someone go out with her To make sure she was okay

There used to be people Who like would wave flags outside They'd wave flags Yeah Yeah So this isn't the call Yeah this isn't the Pentecostal church who would wave flags outside. They'd wave flags. Yeah. Yeah. That's not... So this isn't the cult, yeah? This isn't the Pentecostal church?

Is this the Pentecostal church? Yeah, of course it's the Pentecostal church. No, the Baptist church ain't fucking howling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Therefore... Yeah, no, it was... Yeah, Pente's. Yeah, they were loving it.

And where were you living? Were you doing a job at the time? Were you at college or...? No, I was married. I got married at 21. Which is 19... Yeah. So another member of the cult yeah so we we actually we were we started dating when i was i was 16. and then uh we went to the we

went to the baptist youth group and then uh i went to this church and she came with and then yeah married a few years later and that was involved with the church yeah and your parents are fine with you being part of this church at this point mum was a bit skeptical because it was a bit like there's a bit of crazy but i remember thinking in my head because on the sundays the people were so genuine so kind and you know they're good people yeah most of them they you felt part of something because it was like a community it was a community and i mean they this is the thing like this is how they lure you in because there's financial support there's there's uh fucking sporting teams there's you know so many events that they do and you feel part of this community and there's some good fun people involved in that can i ask you just a question before we carry on yeah it's very on this bit so you say there's financial support

and there's a community vibe and all that sort of stuff but it's a cult and by definition doesn't a cult have to be sort of exploiting its members yeah so in what way were you being exploited told that there was a hell no no so they don't define themselves as a cult do they no they wouldn't no and they and they that no you it's a it's a matter of opinion that they're a cult. Nobody does though, dude. It's only after the fuck. Yeah, it's just an extremist church. Yeah, it is. Exactly.

And it's part of a big group of churches. And so we would have American people come over and preach to us. But the exploitation would be, one example would be, so it's quite a biblical thing. You might know this in the C of E. I don't know if it's the same thing. But, you know, in Catholic churches you have tithing. Yeah. And's quite a biblical thing. You might know this in the C of E. I don't know if it's the same thing, but you know, in Catholic churches, you have tithing. Yeah.

And you give a tithe. I grew up giving up, you give up 10% of your income. Right, okay. And so for me and my ex was a teacher and so we gave up 10% of income. And then I found out a while later that the head pastor of the church had asked a specific young group of people, young, right,

to give up a further 5% of the income, and that went directly to him. So there's your fucking exploitation. God tax. What tax? 20% to the government, a little bit to national insurance, then God takes 10%. Seems legit. Does he pay tax on it?

Does he fuck? God don't pay tax. Does he fuck? There we go. There's that fucking, does he fuck? Does he fuck? It sounds better in your accent though.

Does he fuck? Yeah. Does he fuck? Yes, there's your exploitation. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

that's got a cult vibe, hasn't it? Yeah. You can be part of our gang, but we're going to need 10% of everything you earn. What were you getting from us, dog? Were you getting, like, guaranteed heaven spots? No.

But, yeah, you fucking, you pay more, you get VIP front row with God. You'd want something back, though. The gold package. If you pay 20% of your income, you'll be front of the queue when you die. Yeah. 10% across the board.

You're a fast pass for the pearly games. You look like you're at Disneyland, actually. Yeah, mate. Got all me fucking receipts here. Sorry, across the board. A fast pass for the pearly games. You look like you're at Disneyland, actually. Yeah, mate. Got all me fucking receipts here. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, all you people who've had a long, painful death.

Didn't believe in God at all. I'm sound. Let me in. Where's the water slide? Yeah. Ushering past all the saxophone players. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Some fucking music in my queue, though. They're too busy in their fucking... Don't start. So what was getting married at 21 like? Were you just like, of course we're getting married. We've been seeing each other ages. Yeah.

Do you know what? And this is the thing, I'll never say a bad word about a lovely girl, totally different people. But at that age, that was the norm, right i remember that that year or two there was like a whole stack of my mates who got married we've been each other's weddings right

and then what did you do for a stag do that too oh my stag dude i went to uh i think i went to a bowling alley a pool hall and that was about it and all drank diaco oh i had a couple bevs but i remember getting um you get judged for drinking even do you know what i mean like it was a yeah it really and that was some so there were still mates from the baptist church that came along and they were very strict as you probably know cv they're very strict on on drinking and that sort of stuff that's a big no um but yeah no getting married 21 like i now upon reflection looking back again everything's lovely in hindsight i'll look back and i go she was lovely but totally different person i didn't know who i was back then i was still learning who

i was fucking i was told that my identity was in christ whatever the fuck that means can i ask another question just before we move on yeah just on the drinking thing right so you're not allowed to drink. So you know the wine in the church, is that just like a Heineken Zero? No, it's grape juice. Okay. Yeah.

Cool. It's everul bread, though. Heineken Zero. Heineken Zero. The blood of Christ. Fucking hell, is this lager? It's not working. It's a glass of lager. Fucking hell, there's a lot of head

On the blood of Christ Who's poured this Adam didn't know Any wine then He went straight to lager I can't think of a branded Alcohol free wine Grey producers

Are Grey's example Vimto Yeah Vimto's very alcoholic Is it It is So I was like I'll show you It's not about wine What are you calling bullshit on Just the Vimto Yeah Vimto's very alcoholic Is it It is So I was like I'll show you

He's not about wine What are you calling bullshit on Just the Vimto Oh Okay That was like a teacher bell Yeah It needs doing

It needs doing This is the bullshit bell That impresses this When I'm talking shit Yeah Or when he thinks I'm talking shit And my favourite thing Is getting him to press it

When I'm actually telling the truth Yeah Thomas I have a sore finger yeah i i think as well like people get confused about you know how you can identify as a cult you were saying it before how was it a cult but the reality is is how much they influence and and embedded in all your facets of your life. So you asked about what it was like being married at 21. Fucking a lot of pressure, bro.

Like a lot. You're married at 21. I was told that I wasn't being a good spiritual leader in my household. Why not? Because I wasn't attending. So I started doubting some stuff and calling things out. Simple questions. And they'd be like, that's between you need to sort that out between you and God,

but you need to start leading your wife better spiritually because I wasn't attending enough because I was playing sport. So I had two elders come and visit my house, just sit me down at my table. And this is the thing as well, like when you're talking about like being involved, they wanted to know everything like sex life uh fucking like like all the nitty-gritty details of your life and i said why we're going to sit down and chat to you why are you not attending uh wednesday prayer meeting and you're only coming once on a sunday because there's two so it was a

wednesday night prayer meeting and there was a Friday night small group and you had Sunday morning service and Sunday evening service, right? So your weekend was pretty much gone. And then if there was other events that would happen too, sometimes we'd have a weekend conference with the guys from America would come over. Anyway, they sat me down and they asked me, you know, when, you know, why are you not attending?

And at the time I was playing American football, which, you know, I fucking loved. And they said, you're putting sport before God and you're not allowing your wife to access Christ. You're cutting off that spiritual line from your household. And I was like, okay, so obviously God's a misogynist, right? She can only access it through me. But they asked me so when they said to me when did this addiction to sport start that was the word addiction i remember going what the fuck so anything that came in front of god was considered an addiction a vice oh yeah right so i uh i was like that's that's fucking bullshit this isn't an addiction i said well i've always loved sport i was like, that's fucking bullshit.

This isn't an addiction. I said, well, I've always loved sport. I've loved it since I was a kid. And they said, right, so how did you get involved with sport? I said, that was how I connected with my dad. My dad grew up in a very strict household. He's chilled as fuck now. But when I was a kid, he was very strict.

But we connected through sport. He took me every Saturday morning to footy that was how we connected every Saturday morning he'd take me to footy Aussie rules by the way not English football but

yeah they said oh so your dad led you astray your dad influenced you and you're trying to please your earthly father

and not your heavenly father and I was like what the how did you not tell him to fuck i suppose you did in the end yeah i i really yeah in the end yeah but i just remember going like how can you judge my dad they didn't even know my dad because he wasn't didn't go to the church or anything my old man is like the nicest dude like so lovely absolute sweetheart but yeah they're telling me that my old man taking me to footy on a saturday how we connected as a father and a son they're telling me that that's now affecting my life and i cannot i shouldn't be putting sports i was guilted

for playing sport and i played a really good level there's the call that's the difference that's the difference between a church and a call in it right that sort of shit yeah exactly you're like brainwashing yeah totally the guilt with that yeah again like who the fuck needs to know about your sex life or why are they asking that

so that's when it gets a bit fucking weird isn't it you know what I mean yeah the only people I tell about my sex life like obviously

me and my missus talk about it and about 40,000 people every week on here that's it though goes no further yeah but they don't ask goes no further

we just tell them end of 2023 it's gonna be 200 million fucking people 200 million patrons we're aiming for like 3 billion listeners yeah

okay fair half the world no half the world and ideally we'll ask for 10% of their income I mean that's where we want to go

knocking on hey you've cancelled your Patreon you're really getting in your wife's way of being in to have Aye. You've cancelled your Patreon. You're really getting in your wife's way of being in to have a word. You've cancelled your Patreon. Are you still fucking your wife?

Me and Adam turned it up. Brother Adam and Brother Dan are knocking on. Look, we're looking to get you back on board. We'll do anything we can. Here's my favourite number.

How about a song? So you, how does your wife, how did you, obviously you left the church now. Yeah. You're a fucking circuit comic. It couldn't be much more other side of the spectrum. Yeah, bro. So does your wife now see you as like, when she, when you, did you split up when you left the church? Yeah.

Yeah. Speaking of comedy, I was told I wasn't allowed to do it. Yeah. So I started doing Open Mike's Adelaide with fucking Mickey D and I was told that- Fair to say,

not a lot of brilliant Christian, like devout Christian stand-ups. None of my favourites are devout Christians. Is that fair? Some of the best comic, I don't know, but they're always- They could believe it that I would say like, dickhead. Like, you know what I mean? Oh my Godout Christians. Is that fair? Some of the best comic, I don't know, they're always the devout Christians.

They could believe it that I would say like, dickhead. Like, you know what I mean? Oh my God. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I was told I wasn't allowed to do stand-up

and that's when I was like, I fucking, I love it. Like, I've always liked comedy and people laugh and, you know, that's when I was like, nah, fuck this. But I, yeah,

so in answer to your question, we haven't spoken since we parted ways and separated. And then. You were like, I'm leaving the church and I'm leaving you. Yeah, we sort of, we fell apart. And then, so we ended. And part of that, that was kind of us breaking up,

was me also breaking up with the church in my head do you know what i mean yeah it was me what a pressure breakup that is oh yeah it didn't end well uh no i mean she was again lovely she's very amicable she's a sweetheart and i'll never say a bad word about her but her friends yeah that didn't go well i am yeah i i can totally relate to what you're saying because when i supposed to put my ex that was also me breaking up with the dog yeah the dog was like the church it took 10 of your dinner just to me do you know what i mean just to say it's exactly the same yeah often the dog would look at me and be like you fucking he knew everything about your sex life it was always in it he didn it. You could tell in his eyes.

Yeah. Hair and eyes. Wow. Hair and eyes. I love it that loads of people do stand-up and have had to give up certain things. You don't have to give up church, wife. And what a great way to start doing stand-up.

That was the thing. I wasn't perfect in the way i went about things i definitely uh hurt people but i needed to i knew deep down i needed to get out and cut off that cord and i never i never was really truly happy like even getting married 21 like i said i didn't know who i was i got married and i'm like i'm not fucking i'm not happy i remember on my fucking wedding day being like oh okay this is this is happening that's not a healthy thought to have you know i mean that's not a good foundation but i kind of i would say having been married and i definitely wanted to get married but there was a few moments where i was like okay this is happening. There is a little bit of shell shock

because you're like, oh fuck, we're at this point. I don't know why people get nervous about getting married. Because if it's really shit, you can get it annulled within a week and no one even knows it ever happened really. As long as you've been in the photographs. Yeah, but I mean like him. You get it annulled within a week

and then if you want to get a divorce, get a divorce. It's just that easy. It's not as permanent as it used to be. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Divorces are so easy as well, yeah. Do you know when you book

at Oladie, but you don't... No one even knows apart from the 300 people that were there. Yeah, but you just burn the photos. It's like booking at Oladie

when the deposit's like a quid. It's like, I'll pay for the rest when I'm going. Yeah. That's a fucking... Another solid point. Yeah.

Another solid point from Professor Rao. Oh, fucking hell. Are you doing a show about this? This is what you're showing. You said you're going to Australia. You're going to do Adelaide, Melbourne. You're going to do the festivals. And this is what the show is going to be about.

I did. So I called it Cultivated. Bit of a pun there with refining and educating yourself. That's a solid title, mate. Thanks, mate. And then, yeah, so I did that in Perth and Adelaide this year. Literally went up with a notebook and just started fucking telling my story. I had someone call out fucking like doing a bell, but after the show,

I'd be like, no, no, no, I don't believe that, man. So many people went, oh, my God, like like especially because Adelaide is the city of churches and Adelaide had people come to my show who were from the church that was interesting how did that go so first night

in Adelaide after doing it in Perth and getting to a point where I was like right I've run it in for a month now brand new hour alright here we go

game on it's where it all fucking began I was bricking it to say the least do you know what I mean like rocking up and then first night second row two lads from the church who i knew and were really close with back in the day and i was like oh fucking hell and they sat there about halfway through the show i sort of see you know one of them's absolutely pissing himself and

i was like this is all right like you know i felt relaxed the first 10 minutes i was like oh fuck fuck fuck relaxed into it was like this is my fucking story because actually it was sloss who told me to tell the story of course yeah you can't have that story and yeah he was like you're a white straight bloke with the most interesting story ever you're the only white straight broke in comedy that's actually got a story that's like fucking hell that's interesting yeah yeah it was like you're an idiot but i fucking tell it so yeah anyway second night first night uh two guys second row after the show that counts me and i was like how did you find it it's good to see you and they were like mate fucking loved it we don't go to the church either do you want to go get some beers and we just went out for some beers and it was fucking awesome. Oh, right. Yeah. So they fucked it up as well. So they fucked it up.

Yep. Yep. Is there anybody who stays in? Hey? Is there anybody who like stays? Lifers. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

So there's people, and this is what the sad bit is that they still think it is like that is the be all and end all. Do you know what I mean? I know that my ex has left that particular church. I know she's gone

she's still friends with my sister and stuff and she's doing well but she's gone on to a different church I don't know what kind of church or whatever

but I know she's left that one which makes me happy because I'm like that church was a bit fucked you know I mean I haven't even told you

the real gnarly shit I want to see if I can spin his grid a bit do it please do it right we had a guy come over from America we had quite a few but I haven't even told you the real gnarly shit. I want to see if I can spin his grid a bit. Do it. Go for it. Right. We had a guy come over from America. We had quite a few, but I'll ease you in, Carl.

All right. This guy came over from the States. He was a proper Tennessee kind of guy. He was going to tell us how the Lord is going to come to Adelaide. And he was telling us he had visions of gold coins and that there was a richness going to happen. Now, you have to understand that the church was in Salisbury East in Adelaide and if you've never been there, it's like the northern shitty part of Adelaide. It's not a nice socioeconomic area.

So it was like, oh, God's chosen here. Okay, to make it rich and spiritual nature so god chose to buy a church where property was really cheap god said pay taxes god it's really affordable and holy yeah this bit of town not in the posh bit too expensive god's really frugal like that God's really frugal like that until he gets his extra 5% yeah but yeah so yeah this guy

he claimed that there was three visions that were happening and this took a bit of a spin and the three visions or three signs that God was manifesting by the way Carl this isn't the crazy bit yet the three signs were through oil, feathers, and

gold dust. Gold was going to show that he was manifesting his presence through those three things. People would be anointed in oil. They were dripping with oil. This is what he claimed he was seeing in America. Like vegetable oil?

Fly light. In the Old Testament, the Bible, claimed he was seeing in america and it's always stuff like fry like like vegetable oil fly late like i like is it so in their old testament the bible they would anoint someone by putting oil on their head and that was god anointing them yeah but when you say oil yeah you mean like the stuff you'd cook chips with oh i don't know i never fucking what do you mean as in was that poured on no one was pouring on they were. It was just coming out of their head. Oh, right. Yeah. That it would be a supernatural. Keep going up and going, fry light on someone.

Fucking God, that. It's got a greasy forehead. It's got fry light all over it. If you're sweating oil. A bit of canola. You are going to see God really soon, aren't you? Stop eating chips You fat fuck

Swap an oil Good God Fry it like I can't tell you How much I'm enjoying Feathers Oil Feathers

And what Dust Gold dust Gold dust So the two that I knew Straight away Were total bullshit Was the gold dust

And the oil because i remember someone claiming that was anointed in oil but i'm like we're in australia it's 40 degrees outside it's the middle of summer and our church is essentially a shed you're sweating bro right and then the other one was the uh the gold dust and i remember someone figuring out that they were their hands were shiny but they had – it was fucking like foundation. You know how it gets sparkly? Yeah. So the third one was the feathers.

And I remember I was asked to be on the welcoming team at the front of the church and I stood there and this lady was walking up. The lady was walking up and I saw this feather fall and land on her shoulder. And everyone, like, freaked out. Like, oh, my God. Eight, ten people in the foyer came over and were like, oh, my God. You've got a – they didn't say, oh, my God. But they had, oh, you've got a feather on your shoulder.

God's upon you. And I remember thinking, like, i literally saw the pigeon fly over and that feather landed in your shoulder you know i mean i was like nah and then he just a word in defense i think i'd believe that what the feather yeah like, if this fella's gone, hear me out for a sec, right? If this fella's gone, God's going to manifest himself with feathers. And just by fucking coincidence, a pigeon flies by and is like,

here's a feather, lad. Then I'd be like... Yeah. It is a bit of a coincidence, isn't it? Yeah a feather lad then i'd be like yeah it is a it is a bit of a coincidence isn't it yeah that one i'd be like adam's got one foot in the church already oh my they're looking for a sax player get a bit of ckp get a new agent you can have 10 i'd like to play a lot of churches. What was the fuck thing? The what?

What was the fuck thing? The fuck thing. That was the really fuck thing, the feather. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. So then the guy came in and same guy, and you can look these guys up. This bloke had a video. His name's Jeff Jansen. He had a video on YouTube and he claimed that he told a tornado to move, it was coming towards them and he told it to move

and it moved and just destroyed all the other homes in the town. And so you watch the video like, no, that just changed its course, bruv. Like you didn't... Oh, he looks like an absolute dick. Right, yeah. Can you put the celly on so we can see him? Yeah. I would have loved that guy to die in a tornado.

I told the tornado to go away. It's still coming. God. So this is the thing. It's not on top. These guys, this is the thing. So in Adelaide this year when I went back, Dan, to do the tour, I was talking to my sister because she doesn't believe in it either, right?

And she was telling me about how they're all really intensely massive Trump supporters now. Oh, right. And I went, oh, of course they are. And they started, they were praying at the church for Trump. And God wears on drama as well. Now, he's the one who rocked up he rocked up with a massive ruby right

and claimed that an angel had visited and dropped the ruby into his home the ruby was falling off his yeah of course

yeah but what's he he's getting he's getting me a can of coke is he could I have another one he wants a diet

do you want a cold diet coke cold diet coke please yeah thanks man. This is fucking great. Can you get me some fry light?

I'll have some chips. I'll have it all up. Such a mad fucking story. So Jeff

Jansen thanks man. Thanks Rob. He he so he he dropped this pastor jewel around the church show. And that's the thing. You saw something real with substance.

So it's starting to try and spin your grid a bit. So you try and believe the story. And this thing with religion is if you think about the Bible and all the batshit crazy stories that happened in there, right, and that's the religion that you were born into and you're told this is like you know aaron or whoever the fuck it was in the book uh when he saw a burning bush that spoke to him you'd be like cunt that's dmt but back then it was like their lives were so fucking unscientific and unknowledgeable and if you heard

a crazy story back then you want to believe it because your life was mystery and voodoo yeah so then how long that's evolved over how many years people still believe them to be true so that's the kind of thing that was happening still today like hey look what's happening today what miracle is happening well let me tell you this is happening in america right now this is happening in your city and this other guy came along you this is happening in America right now. This is happening in your city. And this other guy came along. Now, this is when it gets crazy. You can look this guy up. His name is Jason Westerfield.

All right? So, I didn't mean to fucking point until you do that. Look this shit up. Now, that guy there. Jesus fucking Christ. This guy. He's not doing weekends is he He's got Wednesday night new material

Written all over it That cunt definitely doesn't do his time Do you know what's so good Is I just I just love hearing Dan tear this whole thing down. It's so cathartic for me because this was my reality, bro. So, right, he came to the church, right? And he used to – okay, again, the exploitation.

You would have to buy a ticket to go to church that weekend to see him preach. And he would do a Friday, Saturday, Sunday each night. And sometimes he'd have a matinee performance or some sort of thing. And after you'd book your ticket. Like the old junglers, I don't know. One on a Friday, one on a Saturday. So it costs like 130 bucks.

So like what, 70 quid for the weekend. And you'd go for the weekend and you'd hear him preach. And at the end, they would have generous giving, not tithing, generous giving. So you'd uh hear him preach i'm at the end they would have generous giving not tithing generous giving so you'd put my money in this guy was doing a fucking paid edinburgh show and a bucket he was rolling in it right now he came along and he told us um uh he would and so he would talk at a really really fast rate like i talk really quickly and he'd tell this and he would talk for four hours, and that's no exaggeration, right? But he would talk so fast and so rapidly.

Jesus Christ. People would think that he was so anointed in spirit because he's operating at such a fucking high level. I don't know what drug he was on, but everyone was like, holy shit, like, this is unreal, right? That they would just eat up all the shit he was spewing out, right? And, I mean, he was talking about the shit he was spewing out. Right. And I mean, he was talking about how his child was a stillborn and he went and placed,

he took it out of the room and laid it on his bed and he laid on top of the child and put his head on his child's head and the child came back to life. Wow. That's one story. The crazy one. Mate, you'd love Freddie Quinn to be in Wow. That's one story. The crazy one. Mate, you'd love Freddie Quinn to be in there going, never happened, mate. What the fuck?

How did everyone in the room after that long be like, wow, I bet that was good. And this is the thing, I'd question it and I'd feel guilt, right? Because it was like, well, I'm meant to be spiritually leading my wife in the house. I'm questioning stuff. What's wrong it wasn't you didn't accept your questioning as as as logic and being reasonable you you thought guiltily of it

that you were fucking up and that you was something wrong with you because everyone else's sound your brain was washed yeah so the one uh thing that he told us and this is my favorite thing that I was told, and this went in my show in Australia, was he rocked up at this conference and he was telling us that he woke up one night and he woke up. Now, you've got to understand, in the church, there was about 300, 400 people watching because it was packed out. He said that he woke up one night in his own ejaculate. And he woke up and at the end of his bed was a demon. And this demon came up and stole his seed and ran through a portal into a different realm, and he had to get out of bed and chase the demon down

to get his seed back so that his seed wasn't being used elsewhere in the universe. That'd be my first reaction as well. I'd close with that. I'd definitely close with jizz demon. If I woke up and I was covered in my own cum And then a demon ran through A magical little tunnel with it My first thought would be

Get back here lad I think I'd be like What What Lad That's my jizz Lad I'm a jizz demon

What the fuck Hang on You're a thieving jizz demon How did he know How did he know Because I imagine He's meant to be this religious guy So he doesn't wank either

Hence why he's had a fucking wet dream isn't he And he's felt guilty about it Or The demons come in, spunked all over him and then force, I can't leave him looking like that.

I'll wipe that up before I go. Or the demon blanked him off. So, how do you tell your mum about that one? Mum!

I've just had to chase a jizz demon into a different realm to get my jizz demon into a different realm to get my jizz back. All right, Thomas. Probably don't tell me about every jizz demon, sweet pea. Love you. Did he give it back?

If he gives it back, use a fucking Kleenex. Mate, what the fuck? There is no top in Jizz Demon. I don't know where you're trying to go with this story. No, no. If you can top Jizz Demon, I will be very fucking surprised. Tom's like, no, I really need to finish Jizz Demon.

I had my favorite heckle in Adelaide because I was telling that bit of the story. And my question was, how did the demon, I called him a wank demon, but Jizz Demon's great. I'll use that. How did the wank demon, but jizz demon's great. Might use that. How did the wank demon collect the jizz, right? Because did he come up and fucking scoop it? Bounty. What? One sheet.

A bounty? No, the fucking kitchen roll. A fucking dip it in coconut chocolate. What do you mean? No, the kitchen roll. Yeah, I did think chocolate. Oh, he would come up and just go, hmm. Yeah, you mean blitz. No, the kitchen roll. Oh, you come up with this one. Yeah, you mean Blitz?

No, the kitchen roll that soaks everything up with one touch. Not the coconut chocolate bar. Are you sponsored by Bounty? How do you collect cheese? Picks everything up with only one touch. Wet wipes. picks everything up with only one touch wet wipes might not be wet when you're starved

they will be when you're finished oh dear cum cum's wet do you know what I mean cum's wet so he heckled going oh it was a lady

and it was the most australian thing ever so i said that how i did the wank to him and scoop it up and then try not to spill it as he jumped through the portal um and this lady just goes oh get fucked you get a tissue you just grab it yeah that's the point that's the point that is fucking great oh god right was that your out point sorry to call you

oh my god Carl no you can't be Chiz Demon I mean how long did you stay in the cult after that oh right

I that was probably a couple years after that that was 2012 or 2013 so you sat Chiz Demon and I'm like

I'm giving this another 24 months and that's it that was a little silly but You suck too, Giz Demon. I'm like, I'm giving this another 24 months and that's it. That was a little silly, but I don't have to spend that extra 10%. Two more years to convince me, but not a minute more. I've been gone now. You've got to admit though, it's fucking entertaining. You're in there.

You've got a great story every week. Jizz Demon to be one of them. You know what I mean? Fucking feathers, gold dust. It's entertaining shit. Our feather ones. My point, I did have a point for Dan, though. Feather ones, not quite as, like, the feather ones are, oh.

Jizz Demon's a real shift up the gears, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Marjorie got a feather on her shoulder. Fuck Marjorie. I jizzed on my belly and I had a jizz demon clean it up and run away. Fuck Marjorie and a heavenly pigeon. Yeah. You don't understand.

Let me tell you how we do it. You don't understand. How cathartic is this? I'm having the best time. He sat down at the fucking dinner table. How were you touched, my God? There was a feather on my shoulder. How's the margining?

Well, let's call this fucking 3-1, girl. Listen to this. Buckle up, feather lady. All right. So he, this is my point, Dan want to know, if I can watch your out from this, right? He was part of a huge church called Bethel in the States.

And I Googled him when I was writing this show because I wonder what he's fucking telling people now. That church has disowned him and he's been extradited because he's gone too far. He's too whacked out. They've gone, gone yeah mate just because he was talking about aliens he was talking about he was teleporting up to spend time with aliens and they were like buzzer oh that's too far is it all the other stuff's fine yeah because it makes you look silly don't it i think a lot of it does mate they're so rich these churches the evangelical churches in the South.

Oh, fucking load. So sinister, innit? If you want to make bank, become a pastor in one of these churches. They're the good jazz demons. Like I said, you get a bucket at the end of your preach as well. Let's have a break. I don't know what sponsors go in in here.

Maybe we should just give it... If there's just 30 seconds of like a blackout, it's just to give everyone a breather. Phenomenal. 30 seconds of nothing coming right up. What's happening, guys? Ooh, look at your outfit.

Shocking. You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from have a word pod.com you want some official have a word merch go to have a word pod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on it's horrible you look a joke don't believe in the house like that you want a hoodie that says rat that's what you need lad lad. Go and get it. Hathawaypod.com.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. I haven't had that. I haven't put my vaccine in. You know? I've tried it a couple of times and then just got annoyed with the process and went, ah.

Bring you, what do you mean? Bring it in. I just keep getting like text messages and then it's just a fucking pain. They're like,

oh yeah, you should go there or there and it's nowhere near me. I thought you meant bring it in here. I said booked. Oh, booked in. I thought you said bring it in. I was like, what the fuck?

Because you just had your COVID vaccination. Last week, yeah, I had it and went straight to the wedding. How are you feeling, babe? You all right? Had a bit of a sore throat. I'm okay. You're a survivor. It made me late to my mate's wedding.

I got there and we're lining up. It was a bit rainy on Saturday morning. Lining up outside and then a lady comes rushing out and goes, I'm really sorry everyone.

I'm going to have to wait for about 40 minutes or so because three people in front of you have collapsed and I was like, fucking hell, this is like a skeptic's wet dream.

Like, you know what I mean? What happened is the bloke behind me on the phone was pissing himself laughing because it was his three mates. They're all scared of needles. So she sort of said fainted because they were fucking pussies. They weren't actually. I go in there. I sit down.

Yeah, because it sounds like they've had the jab and then had the stroke. Right? Yeah. Collapse is a fucking lot more severe sounding than fainted. They started rolling out the door. Jesus. Just got the COVID rolls started rolling out the door. Jesus. She's got the COVID rolls. I opened the door up.

I was like, fuck, I don't hurt. I sat down. They're like, you're not going to collapse, are you? And I was like, no. And the doctor's like, he'll be fine. And what I realised is the people working there, quite a lot of volunteers at the moment in there. Yeah.

So there she was. She comes up up sits down she goes you're not gonna collapse and i was like no doctor's like he'll be fine bam she jabs my arm she goes oh sorry that's fine i said it didn't hurt she's like no no i've just jabbed you but there's no vaccine in the needle i was like sorry so i forgot to fill it up i was like so what have you jabbed me with? Fucking air. That can kill a cunt. You know what I mean?

If you get air put in your veins, it can kill you. She's like, no, no, no. I put it in. It was collapsed. And then I'm like, how did you not notice that before? So she left, came back. I got a second jab, mate. And you're telling me you're a volunteer, madam?

I've been doing loads of vaccines. 20 people dead because they're not actually vaccinated. That's probably why those cunts collapsed. They've been jabbed three or four times. You got stabbed by a stranger. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And nothing can happen. Nah. And people wonder why I've not booked in the vaccination yet. Yeah. I'm nervous about getting my second one. I thought you weren't getting it. I don't want to, but I also want to go to the Corfu. Why are you nervous?

Wait, hang on. You've already had the first one. Why are you nervous for the second? Because after I got the first one, they said that everyone's dying from blood clots. They didn't. They didn't. Not everyone, is it?

No. So that is... Look, I'm not against it. Anyone's like, oh, two bucks. I'm not. I've had the first one. I'm a fucking mental cunt when it comes to health. Especially with blood clots.

Yeah, my ma is involved with The vaccinations Of people in Australia And I asked her About the blood clot thing And she goes Nah it's fucking hyped up Sweetheart It's not Every vaccine

There's always been A possibility of that It's so minute But then the news Took that And fucking blew it So here's how I feel About that

You're going to be That minority Yeah That's you That's what my brain Does it goes Adam you're special You're going gonna die you started

off as a kid and you could have been something with the sacks yeah and this is why adam's never been on the pill because you know he's worried about that as well yeah what are you worried about the pill for mate it's not really but it's like they give you blood cuts as well don't they isn't that one in a thousand as well yeah Yeah. Isn't it one in a thousand risks? By the way, I'm not anti-vax. I'm being lazy. And like Adam has said, and it's a really valid point, once Freddie Quinn survived it, I've taken it less seriously.

It's a valid point. My anti-vax comment at your Runcorn gig just over the road took a bit of a turn in the gig for it, didn't it? What? There's someone in the crowd. You were here in Runcorn last week, weren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they did that with Adam.

And there was a guy, he heckled, you know, he didn't heckle with like an actual word. He was like, I just made a noise. And I was like, fucking hell, cunt, did you get your third jab? Right? And then And then I said He's manifesting

I'm loving this so much I'm just I'm so glad that you were Tearing down My past I've just noticed What's that You've got no hairs

On this arm Yeah Oh yeah That's so you can see My tats better mate That would do my Fucking head And if they were my arms

Thomas What do you mean? Thomas do you shave your tattoo arm? Of course I fucking I clipper it I don't shave it I've never thought of that You shave one arm

You leave the other Because there's no tattoos on it We want to get into shaving Dan So we're going with this Well no but I just I didn't know people did that I thought you just got tattoos And let it grow

No but I've got really hairy arms No hairy arm. So you think I should cover up my hair? I think you've got to do one or the other. So you think I should do both? Either do both or hairy tattoos. Fuck, now I'm going to go. What I'm going to do before I go gig tonight

is I'm going to go shave this arm. You do have proper manly hairy arms to be fair. I've never shaved my arm. It's taken two hours of you being in my company for me to notice it. So maybe on stage for 20 minutes people won't, but yeah. Are you quite an observant bloke? No.

No? Yeah, he is. He's not? No. What do you mean he's not? No. I notice things. You do, yeah? You do notice things, yeah? Yeah. You got your headphones on? Yeah. He's fucking switched on this guy. My arms being different. Why would I do your head in?

Because it, yeah, it's just, no. What, you think I'm more weighted down on this side? Why don't you just get a tattoo of hair on that arm? I could live with that. Wouldn't you swim in a circle as well? That is the worst suggestion I've ever heard for a tattoo. Why don't you shave your eyebrows? That's like when people get those fucking tattooed eyebrows on.

Oh, my God. It's like fucking just... I actually, like, I think girls who get their eyebrows tattooed on, fair enough. Like, it's just easier, isn't it? That's what I want my eyebrows to look like. I'll have it like that forever. Are you assuming that blokes don't do it?

What? Are you assuming that blokes don't do fucking tattooing? I think more women do it what so he's assuming that blokes don't do fucking tell you i think more women do it than men yeah okay i think there's just an epidemic in the 90s of women plucking their eyebrows to fuck and now you've got the like the remnants of it again with like going shit i need some eyebrows but i think it's a really extreme option isn't it yeah you've got a you know i i want to have it With a bloke who Tattooed on He He was a very expressive individual

And in year 10 He shaved his eyebrows off And used a marker To draw them on So for his birthday We got him a pack of sharpies Mate the Christian banter Is fucking

Killer on it You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to

You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to You had to Apologise to it You've used pen We've got your Mate, the Christian banter is fucking killer, wasn't it? What is your eyebrows on? I had to apologise to it. You've used pen. We've got you more pens. Helpful piss day. You look a little silly.

God forgive me. What would happen if you'd say, oh, my God? Would you get, like, punished? Oh, yeah. Getting loads of shit. You can't say, oh, my God. Blasphemous. What about Jesus how about jesus christ no you're blaspheming in it it's all part of that that's why now i thought blasphemy was like saying god's a dickhead uh just using his name in vain at all so using it as uh i guess it's for expression that's an exclamation yeah because it's for expression. That's an exclamation. Yeah. Cause it's not like, can you get around it by saying like, Jeebus Christ?

No, Christ. That sounds very close. Yeah, exactly. I know it's late, later than usual. Are you alright?

Are you okay, hon? Could you get it around by saying, Jeebus Christ? And everyone's like, that guy's fucking stupid. Jeebus Christ. Can we was like, that guy's fucking stupid. Jesus Christ. Can we do some other words?

Yes. Yes. That's the bottom. Yes, mate. Hi, babe. I haven't finished recording yet. Oh, what a pro. Hi.

Love you. Cheers, Sam. Is that going to be on the recording? Yeah. Is it? Yes. Get him on the phone. You'd think we'd be more professional.

Yeah, that's blowing my mind. That and'd be more professional Yeah that's blowing my mind That and the Rose Gold Fund Blowing my mind Hi Lids Hope you're all well Please can you have a word With my wife Steph She now thinks she's some sort

Of Adam Rose super fan Because I took her to Hot Water Comedy Club last week She's been telling me Where he eats Goes out etc After stalking his social media She then told me about

This week's past episode This past week's episode Before I'd even listened to it. Can you lids tell her to back off as this is my thing? Am I being unreasonable or am I right to want my own thing? I want as many fans as possible and if I'm going to have a stalker, I'd rather it be a woman.

Bro, I'm telling you right now, it sounds like she's going to come in during your sleep time and fucking steal your jizz. That's what it fucking sounds like. He's going to have his, he's got his own fucking jizz demon here. Yeah. I'll have,

I'll have a jizz demon. As long as she's fed. Sorry, Matt, your wife's just been called a jizz demon. Um, and the best thing is she knew about it before you did. It's so true.

If I, if we're going to get stalked, God, I much prefer a female stalker. I don't want like, you know. Knows where you eat. So does that mean- Yeah, but that's because he puts every meal on Instagram. It's not like she's a slew. I was thinking inside the house,

like what rooms he eats in. I was thinking she was a proper creeper. Matt, he's in the dining room. It's because he's like, oh, I've been to this restaurant. He puts her on social media. She's having a roast dinner in the bath. Yeah, she's not investigating.

She's just following him on Instagram. Is that a thing? Have you done that before? Had a roast dinner in the bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I'm fucked. Oh, beverage in the bath's quality. Beverage on the shower.

I've never had a roast dinner in the bath. But when you've got a little, when you know you're having a little bath and you've got a little can of something cold. No, Steve, that's having a bev. He's talking about having a fucking roast. You get a floaty plate. What?

Because you've got to use two hands for the roast, haven't you? Thomas, even the few seconds when you believe us is worrying. It makes me think, gee buzz Christ. It explains a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I'm too trusting of people.

It's like, you know, stood in a bath. Really? We haven't even talked about you fucking indoctrinated me into the fucking Liverpool fan club for a while.

Oh, yeah. Have I told you about that? He's a Liverpool fan because he spent an hour and a half with me. He's the most easily led person. Oi, it was, he groomed me.

Don't go, listen, unless you want to, I wouldn't go and go dancing at gay clubs that's what i'm saying because i think you could have an unusual night with one of our dads the first night we met was a top secret comedy club when england were knocked out of the world cup by croatia right i'm still around and he's like i've been trying to get into the EPL which is the Premier League

oh god I mean it's like me girlfriend's family are West Ham fans they really want me to be a West Ham fan I live in Nottingham so maybe I'd support like Nottingham but then

they're in the EPL and then he's like and Liverpool came and did an Australia tour so maybe it'd be Liverpool and I was like he should be supporting Liverpool it's the only one that you're ever going to win anything with

if you're going to be an EPL fan then you might as well be one that might win something at some point and you'll enjoy it more. Which franchise should I choose? At the end of the night, he was like, at the beginning of that, he's like, yeah, I don't know.

By the end of the night, this is 100% true and you can ask him. He bought himself the home shares and booked a stadium tour. 6 p.m. I don't know who I'm going to support. 11 p.m. Your name! Jesus Christ, Thomas. 6pm I don't know who I'm going to support 11pm your name I won't Jesus Christ

Thomas I did the tour as well it was great of course you did the next day yeah it was awesome trying out there

mighty nah yeah for real that was very you were very convincing I didn't do much to be honest with you yeah

they're quite good. Fucking I'm in. Another have a word. All right, lads, can you have a word with every bell tower who tries to make their job sound more sexy and important than it actually is. I live in working Mercia,

Spain and teach like the sensei did as an English teacher. My official title is director of studies at a private language school. But if anyone asks me to tell them I'm just a fucking teacher because I can't be bothered to get into the unnecessary details of it all. And if anyone asks how my day went, I always reply with a blanket fine because I know deep down nobody really gives a flying fuck. But then when I speak to people, especially back home in the uk they really love to go on and on about the nitty-gritty of everything that has happened and the main topic of conversation i have with people seems to be work maybe it's just me maybe have a word with

me for being an impatient prick do you ever find this with other comedians who don't seem to have anything else to talk about except comedy or would happily start a work conversation at a funeral. So that's from Kev. I'm sorry, but Kev. In Mercia. Kev has complained about having to talk about his job in detail. He's fucking spent the time to email in about his job in detail. He literally.

To be fair, we can't take the piss out of that too much because then no one will email in and if you've got to have a word have a word pod at gmail.com we are sort of running out of them but if we were like god this prick's written in they'd all end with it so it's kind of i can see the hypocrisy i'll be like these people just talk about the job let me email about my job yeah so the the job title thing is sort of a semi well trodden

in stand up isn't it how people like you know like I'm a cleanliness technician you're a fucking a window cleaner like it's just

there is there is a snootiness about it you've done some teaching yeah you don't just teacher just teacher

yeah well Thomas teaches in London so he's only going to be called a teacher isn't he Because that's our word for it Okay yeah What do you mean I'm really confused

Well what are you Adam's being a dickhead No I'm not You teach in London So you're not going to be called sensei Or whatever it is One was Oh

I'm with you now I'll teach you Yeah Yeah I can't fault you Oh do you mean in terms of like you've never job title yeah you've never fucking pe oh you're a pe yeah i didn't know you saw a pe you're a pe teacher you were a p teacher yeah right okay what's your favorite sport to teach oh do you know what that's

a tricky one uh not just american football really do you know what in australia when i was teaching there i i did do my final year of uni. I tried to teach American football to a group of year 10s. What a fucking shit show. Yeah, 17 concussions later. Oh, mate. Yeah. But we did it as flag football.

Yeah, of course, yeah. No hitting, but fucking... You weren't like padding them up like, this is why we play. Every fucking inch. Yeah. You had a really bad concussion at one point, didn't you? I've had two really... Three. I was like, this is why we play every fucking inch. Yeah. You had a really bad concussion at one point, didn't you?

I've had two really, three. Yeah, three really bad ones. Memory loss is the effect of that. And I believe in Jesus. Absolutely. So the worst one I had was back then, 2012. And it was back when I was involved with the church and all that. And got knocked out. I didn't, so I remember I was involved with the church and all that and got knocked out. I didn't – so I remember I was a wide receiver.

I was running long. The quarterback got hit as he threw it. The ball went up and it got lofted up and then I had sort of broke down and realised the ball was going to get intercepted. It got intercepted. I turned around and this linebacker had just – who played for Australia.

He just ran Dirty play Ran straight at me Last thing I remember was Seeing his helmet And thinking Fuck Bang Helmet to helmet

The ball was nowhere near you No one near me He was like I'm watching the ball There's the wide receiver He'll definitely get it And then I'll hit him Then the ball was nowhere near you

You didn't have the ball And he still completely cleared you out Fucking annihilated me Decleted me I was like proper feet up in the air bang and then but i got straight back up i don't remember any of this but i got straight back up went to the change rooms felt happy as larry apparently looked fine mate was like you were right and apparently i was like yeah yeah fine sat down and then we're down at half time so the coach is giving us a total spray and then my mate said he was sat across from me in the locker room. And he just saw me sort of just do the thousand yards there and zone out a bit.

And he's like, Greeny, you all right? Apparently I just stared at him and then sort of just looked down at the floor and then just snapped and just went, why am I wearing this? Why am I wearing this? What the fuck is this? Threw my helmet, Started just stripping off And they realised Oh fuck he's got concussion

So in comes the trainer Comes grabs me Pull out They can hear me wailing In the other room While he's fucking They took the team out Oh I get

Stripped down I've stripped myself down To my fucking jock strap And they've called They've called my ex Alright And to let her know What's going on

because I'm going to have to go to hospital to get checked out. They didn't know who the fucker was. They put her on the phone and they said, it's your wife. And I was like, what? She's like, who's this? She's like, it's your wife. I was like, I don't know.

I was fucking married. She's like, yeah. And I was like, oh, is it going well? She's like, oh, fuck. Okay, this is bad. And then I was like, how, is it going well? She's like, oh, fuck, okay, this is bad. And then I was like, how did I get here today? She's like, you drove. I didn't even know. I was like, fuck, I got my license.

I got knocked back to when I was like 15. And then, yeah, they left me. They took off the phone, and then they called my folks to come pick me up. And as they did that, they then lost where I was, and I'd fucking started wandering back from the, from the change rooms, the little passage into the stadium. I was walking out through the little passage and there's me and my jockstrap walking out in front of people

and they're like, ah, greening! And they came back and pulled me back inside. But that was a pretty bad concussion. When did you sort of, when were you alright? About 45 minutes to an hour later, it felt like I'd woken up. I'd been conscious the whole time in terms of talking and stuff and freaking out and all that.

You don't remember any of that? No, no, no. This all got told to me after. And then, yeah, sort of I was in the car and my old man, and I sort of was like, oh, fuck, what's going on? And he goes, oh, I'm taking hospital, mate. And I was like, what happened? It was really weird.

It was like I'd woken up. But, yeah, I've had three concussions. The other one I had from American Football was a guy dropped his knee on my head when I was on the ground. And I remember feeling a fizz go down the back of my neck. Ah, yeah, yeah. That's a bad, bad. And I stood up and everything was like green.

All I could see was green. The color green. I could see you, but it was like I had like a filter of green over the top. And my mate came up to me and his numbers were coming out of his shirt towards me and i was like he goes you all right mate and i was like he goes a bit of a late hit i was like yeah yeah i said your numbers are weird he's like you're going on the bench and so yeah on the bench take five you know it's one thing if your numbers are weird if you get you're not to catch the next one

sit down we'll get you in for this get you in for the final quarter don't worry about that if you're getting paid millions you can see like why you take that risk

but you're just playing amateur Australian local fucking American football yeah it's not not worth being

you don't get any financial support at all you're buying into play and it's fucking expensive with equipment and then when i played here uh yeah did rotator cuff and that's when i went nah fuck it i'm not playing anymore there's too much there's you know it's amateur and that's why people get injured more because people are out there to fucking murder people yeah like you play some fucking there's no var there's no video assistant referee going he's just kicked his head in you can't get fined you just have people fucking trying to take

your shins out that's the thing with america as soon as you put a helmet on and pads and everything people like they are incredible specimens oh and they run so fast and they weigh so much and they turn themselves into human torpedoes they They do. They're trying to teach it out of them. Yeah. It's in them to like just hit him with everything. You get so dangerous. When you're hit, it fucking, you feel it, but you also can get hit sometimes and it absorbs so much that you like feel a bit invincible.

But when you're doing the hitting, because you're the one aware of the impact, you're the one going through fuck you feel invincible and you genuinely like i remember i i've always been skinny but i was a fucking skinny wide receiver bro and i decleted this linebacker who was running just blindsided him just came in bang and it felt i felt like a god i'm like no wonder these cunts want to play defense yeah yeah because they just want to wipe people out so amateur sport that's what they do it's like the sunday football here people who yeah i would never play sunday league you know because they just want to wipe people out. It's an amateur sport. That's what they do. It's like the Sunday football here. People who...

Yeah, I would never play Sunday league here now. Because they just want to break your legs, no? I can't be asking me leg broke for a game of footy. I'd rather just play... With your mates. Seven a side. And you trust, yeah. I've got into golf now.

Like, mad got into it. But I just love playing a sport that's not going to fuck me up. Yeah. It's a good, you know, getting older, playing golf. Oi, it's pretty fucking addictive. Yeah. Your dad doesn't play American football for a reason. Dads like golf, don't they?

Where they just get to wander around, twat a few balls around. Your dad, do you not like golf? I could, mate. I could see the attraction. I could see the attraction. But I'm not there yet. He played... I played quite a lot when I was a teenager, yeah.

I really want to get back into it. I'm going to play a little bit this summer. Yeah, fuck yeah. In terms of this guy, I mean, people are always going to build up their job and everything. And what he was saying is, do you get annoyed about comedians

who can't talk about anything else? I'll be honest, I love a good shop chat. I like it. It's not in a place though yeah like i enjoy spending all night talking about comedy sometimes with the right people yeah the most annoying thing in the world and i know there's a couple of newer comics who are regular listeners to this is when for example when i hot water and it's a uh wednesday night and you're on doing new stuff and i'm on doing new stuff and paul smith is headlining and danny mclaughlin's comparing and freddie's on as well and then

there's two brand new open spots in and we just want to have a pint and a laugh yeah fuck around and call each other dickheads and then it's the nth degree of inquisitiveness from the new acts going, I'll do this, I'll do that. It's like, chill out and just have a laugh with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you don't need to. Fucking just enjoy the night. You can't really talk shop with someone you don't,

this sounds so cunty. Respect. Respect. Yeah. And everyone's trying to work it out. And I've been there and I understand the process. One of my least favorite things is being in a dressing room with an act who's new or I've never heard of. There was this girl that was, I think it was The Frog about three years ago.

And her whole thing was like to prove that she was valid pro and everything. She's doing an unpaid 10 and she wasn't a professional act. I've never heard bigger talk. It was all status. It was all bravado. It's the most boring, like offensive shit. Like what are you trying to prove?

That's the worst thing. Talking shot. When you clearly know, you don't know what you're on about yeah that's even worse than the new act going oh you're doing a podcast oh paul smith you're doing well with the videos like i can understand at least they're not going i know everything talking shot with someone who's talking bollocks oh my god yeah i would literally rather go out into the crowd and talk to some guy about plumbing about like tell me about what you do fuck me no like there's nothing more

annoying than the the the newer act who's pretending that they're a pro who's pretending that like this sounds cunty in the same way i know what you're you mean i'm not trying to be it'll actually help people when they're talking if you're a newer act who's doing this and you're doing it around big comics a lot trust me they find it annoying is when you're like we're the same because i've been doing it six months and it's going okay and you've been in it 25 years and we're the same we're both comics we're the same the one you know what it's like well even just comedy though that's every industry it's just like yeah it not even just comedy though, isn't it? That's every industry. It's just like, yeah. It happened to me at Hot Water.

You can see it as well. If you're watching that, you can see the experienced comic being like, just talk to me normally. Yeah. Like you can also see some of the other professional comics in the room go, and I'm out. Paul does that a lot.

I remember when I first met him at Hot Water years ago and it was a Monday night And I just saw him in the corner And then So we were just chatting about shit But I remember coming in And just seeing him on his phone

Because the people there Were talking about The most boring shit And then only a couple years ago We were at Hot Water And they He's there every night And he is

And there was an act Who Because Paul was lovely right He's such a lovely bloke And he'll give you The time of day We sat there And it was almost like The battle you said i'm a nice bloke it was almost like a battle between me and paul being the nice bloke you know because everyone slowly but surely started leaving the room because this open spot was being so fucking whiny complain oh you know i just feel

really under the weather and i don't know how i'm going to get through my set and oh it was just like so much fucking drama and i was like i just can't they're unbearable i don't know everyone was but i was just sitting there going and i thought i'm just gonna hang back here you know watching everyone on the tv and whatever and chatting away and then everyone slowly left until it just got down to me and paul and paul was on his fucking phone and so technically was just down to me and then paul left the room and it was just me with that was the worst yeah i've got what did you what did you sign up for thomas did you end up living with them try this new medicine oh fucking hell right my ear this is how I know it's been a long pod.

My ears are hurting from wearing the headphones. That's when it's been a... Yeah, I feel a bit squashed. Shall we tell them about the London date? We've got, it's on sale. I think I'm going to record a very quick pre-thing to go to the start of the episode. Nice.

They actually already know about this. But, yeah, the Underbelly Festival. We're doing Have A Word Live at the Underbelly Festival at Cavendish Square it's not on the South Bank this year it's at Cavendish Square Lids on Tour

come and see us in London it's going to be a beautiful late summer's evening it's the first like second only the second live show isn't it

it will be the first link in the description on your podcast app or if you're watching on YouTube it will be in the YouTube description it will be the first link won't it Carl and Finn it will it will be the first link in the description on your podcast app or if you're watching on YouTube, it'll be in the YouTube description. It will be the first link. Won't it, Carl and Finn? It will. It'll be the first link.

The Underbelly Festival. It's going to be me and Dan. We're going to get a special guest or two. We're going to do stand-up in the first section, have a little break and then do a live podcast in front of hopefully a sell-out 500-seat Spiegel tent. It's going to be great. The boys will be with us.

It's our second ever live show. The first one outside of Liverpool. It's going to be great. Sign up for the Patreon. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. We have got our ghost hunting special coming up very soon. Thomas, where can we find you? Thomas Green Comedy.

Give me a follow on all the socials. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Everywhere. Nice one. Yeah. Okay. Please buy tickets to that underbelly thing.

I've never been invited to this thing before as a solo act. And I'd fucking love it because there's still people in this fucking industry who's like, Adam and Dan have got their little thing that they're doing and it's just their little thing.

I'd love to just sell out dead quick. So even if you can't be arse coming, just buy a fucking ticket. That's definitely how their little thing i'd love to just sell out dead quick so even if you can't be arse coming just buy a fucking ticket that's definitely i'd love to sell it out just to shut everyone up don't make us look like northern knobheads in london like oh we thought well the people would turn up please come if you're from within three hours of london come uh go ahead yeah go ahead Go at it? Yeah, I'll do it. Go at it. you you you