Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #124 with Seann Walsh - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: June 14, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Herbs on my fingers. Thyme.

Rosemary. Got some herb. Smoked paprika. Fresh garlic. thyme rosemary got some herb smoked paprika fresh garlic just because you're doing that voice doesn't make it sound less poncy fucking thyme lad smoked paprika

hang on what's poncy about being a fucking boss chef would you call Gordon Ramsay a ponce to his face he is a ponce though isn't he yeah he is a bit of a ponce

bad example what's a ponce I don't know I thought ponce was just a hom is a bit of a ponce. Bad example. What's a ponce? I don't know. I thought ponce was just a homophobic slayer. No, ponce is like No, no, no, no. Yeah.

Yeah, but it wasn't when we were kids, was it? It was a homophobic slayer. What? I don't think I ever called anyone a ponce in school. I have all the words in my arsenal.

I love it when Adam says something and then goes, right, I'm going to die on this hill. No, I remember being involved in a homophobic attack where the word ponce was used. I used to call gay people poncers.

No, there was other words to go with. Yeah, there was. Name them. No. Short episode this week. See you later. Sign up to Patreon where we'll do all the slurs. Portal entry. Yeah, but I'll I'll I'll

look my girlfriend's a fantastic cook you got a girlfriend? I've been keeping a secret oh thank you for big reveal got something to tell you lads

I can smell something on me fingers I've got a new girlfriend guess what Fanny bumhole no okay we're gonna I was gonna draw the joke out a little bit and include the I've got a new girlfriend. Guess what? Fanny. Bumhole. No, okay.

I was going to draw the joke out a little bit and include the herbs, but we've gone straight to Fanny and bumhole. That was what I was, you know. Okay. KY Jelly and yesterday's curry. KY Jelly is such a go-to for you in terms of sex aid. And I've never known of under the age of 80

to use it age hey can i age of 80 can i can i point of order i don't think he's used ky jelly on the pod too much is this in your private friendship yeah yeah i mean just in general i think it's just because i found my mom's ky jelly once because she was finger blanging in the air she's fingering herself in the bath what i went with blast and i'm banging there blanging you can't say words wrong on this podcast carl no we know this is editing with headphones anyway that was wrong ah you said finger blanking instead of banging so etta did that to me reading the other day we did bedtime got the little storybooks out whoa whoa whoa whoa you when you watch this episode back or listen to it, you're going to realize that you went from fingering in the bath to your daughter far too quickly there.

I know. You said finger-blanging, blanging, blanging. Ez did that to me the other day. That's what you've just done. The story was about me saying a word wrong, not about my daughter finger-blanging me. So if anyone was like, where's he going with this? And now I can't do it because everyone's like,

wow, this is about you getting finger-blanged by a four--old but yeah it was a it was a great moment when she was like dad you said a word wrong and it had the vibe of the podcast she was even sat on that side of me she was like why did you say that i was like oh my god i've got a fucking little mini adam row smell my fingers no because i know you've been cooking but you might be lying and you might have been finger blanging And I'm not into it Smell it I'm not sniffing your fingers

I'm not sniffing anyone's fingers Come on Honestly I'd rather sniff your pits Than your fucking fingers No I don't But I don't I'm not going to

I'm just saying If I was If it was a would you rather It smells lovely It smells like Pork That's about to be cooked Right

Well I don't eat pork You don't eat pork devout muslim now yeah since i got finger blanked by my four-year-old daughter i've just changed my whole belief system fingers solid um so what have you been cooking so because uh Enough of the silly. Let's talk food. Right. I'm not a great cook, but I make a fucking great butty. Right? A really good Cuban sandwich. Oh, mate, I'm so hungry. Go on. So I'm slow cooking some pork.

Mama like that. Slow cook it on. I don't like pork. Put it on high. It's got a bit of water in. Bit of paprika. Fresh garlic. Fresh chilli.

He does it, doesn't he He goes Don't worry I'm gonna go Jet fucking scouse Turned it on At the lecky Rosemary Thyme

Right Salt Pepper Oh I squeeze a lemon And then the lemon that I've squeezed I've chopped up the zest And put that in as well Wow

That's gonna be cooking for six hours Get home Put that on some bread with some cheese, mustard, a bit of roast ham, as well as the pork, and a pickle. And then you toast it by putting it in a pan with butter in. Put the butter on the outside. Oh, that is such an improvement in our household. If you're going to make a toastie or a sandwich,

instead of trying to grill it, because I like a little bit of toast on my bacon butty or on a cheese toasty you know when you put the toast in like toast on your bacon butty no you know toast bacon toast quality uh you know it's such a fucking nonce you know when you're making a bacon butty the temptation is to stick the toaster the the toaster, and then toast it, and then try and put, but it's all fucking, it's overdone. I like taking the,

basically the bacon butty or the cheese toasty, and then doing that fucking pan fried thing. Oh really? Mwah. Beautiful. Couldn't agree more.

You have to get good bread though. You can't do that with war buttons. It's just not. Do you do it with war buttons? I just do it with whatever I'm doing it with really. I get a, I'm using a tiger loaf it hasn't even cut you i'm gonna cut it myself my god yeah have you spent about 26 quid on this sandwich it sounds like it sounds like expensive sandwich was like a fiver two packs of ham like a quid each, so that's seven. Bread was £1.15, so that's £8.15.

Cheese was three quids, so that's 11 quids, 15. Mustard I've already got, pickles I've already got, so they're negligible. So you're looking at... How seriously you said that? The pickles are negligible. Don't even talk to me about pickle spends. I don't do it.

I get to the start of the fiscal year. I do my tax return, and then I stop by pickles. I actually save money. I'm always, every fucking April, oh, it's Adam Rowe for fucking pickles. Get him a pallet!

Go on, sorry. Looking at 11 quid, but that's going to do at least four people's tea. You can come to mine tonight if you want a butty after the pod. Nice. Carl can come get one. It does sound really good tonight if you want a butty after the pod. Nice. Carl can come get one It does sound really

good. I'll have a butty. Yeah. You're having a barbecue as well. What's going on? Well, I've fucked up, haven't I?

I've got a gig on Sunday, this Sunday, in Manchester with you. And I forgot. So I've arranged a barbecue. At the minute, me

dad and me little brother are in my house and I've given them a fucking a job to do because they're out of work so I was like I want me garden doing are your hands dead heavy today

why fucking table bongos it's amazing that it wasn't me that said it I hadn't even noticed it that much imagine if I just

slid my bum underneath go on how do you fart your hands how do you squeeze your ass for your

hands I don't know what it is do very well to slide your bum onto the top of the desk

without Adam noticing I got bread cheese pickle and then me just sliding my ass in

bloody hell yeah my dad and my little brother they're laying artificial grass in my back garden and I don't

know how it's going to go because they've never done it before. They're just winging it. Just doing their best job. Okey-doke. I got them a ton of sand. Literally a ton as well. My dad asked me to get him a ton of sand.

And I thought in my head, he's just being hyperbolic or something. Like, just get me a bag of sand. He didn't want a bag of sand. I like it when people go, oh, mate, I've got a ton of sweets. Yeah. He actually wanted a metric ton. A ton of sand when people go oh mate I've got a ton of sweets yeah he actually wanted

a metric ton a ton of sand yeah it wasn't like it wasn't yeah in building terms they don't usually go can I have fuck loads of sand right

we're getting the order together for Adam's new garden how much artificial turf do you need shit loads right like a fucking shit load of that

how much sand for underneath a fuck ton yeah a fuck ton of that. Got the artificial grass from the B&M. Yeah. Really classic. They're well known.

That's where... 25 quid a roll. Wembley's laid with B&M grass. Yeah, B&M. It was 25 quid a roll. And I needed five of them. I only paid for four. Well, hopefully it'll last till August.

That's the main thing, isn't it? Did a little steal. Did a little steal. I left it... So I had five rolls of the main thing, isn't it? Did a little steal. Did a little steal. I left it. So I had five rolls of the grass. And I made it so it was definitely the guy on the till's fault. Because obviously when you've got loads of big stuff in your trolley, you just take one of them out, don't you?

And tell them how many you've got. So what I'd done is I'd got like some plant pots and stuff as well. Paid for all of them. So there was like four of them. So I gave him the plant pots and said there's four of them. And then I gave him something else and was like there's three of them. And with the grass,

I gave it to him and said four more of them. Knowing he'd just put four in. But I didn't lie. And then when I got out, he didn't charge me for four. You know, it sounds amazing. It sounds Derren brown mind control and

then you remember he's just a 14 quid at b&m how much did you say 25 quid or 25 no fair enough fair enough that's it's a whole sandwich yeah but it's also 20 yeah i work on percentages not numbers i mean if i save 20 of everything i spend this year might be a billionaire yeah yeah that's how i invest it really well. You are 20% off a billion. No. If I save 20% of my income and buy a EuroMillions ticket

with that 20%, I'm a billionaire. I'd have to win another EuroMillions. Oh, we should start to have a word syndicate, shouldn't we? No. Why? Because I want to be rich on my own.

Why? But you win the same amount. That's the whole fun of being rich is to be more rich than everyone else do you play the lottery now? I don't no but I imagine spending the money

buy a ticket every three months and be like fuck I see a jackpot I'm like how do I spend that? if all the patrons do it

you've got a 4,000 times better chance of winning yeah but imagine if we all win like 12 quid and we've got to split that was like 4,000 patrons that's 12 quid

more than he'd ever have won and we've got to split 12 quid between 4,000 people. He doesn't do lots. He has 12 quid more than he'd ever have won. And we've got to split 12 quid between 4,000 people. Oh. We take that. So your garden's getting done, and you're paying your dad and brother with a barbecue. Is that basically what's happening now? I'll give them a bit of money as well.

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Fed them last night as well. Got them a chippy. And Jack got food poisoning, so that was nice. Did he? Is that a little bonus? Yeah. The one by ours, the little red one? That's the same theory as winning the EuroMillions, last night as well got them a chippy and Jack got food poison so that was nice did you is that a little bonus yeah

the one by ours the little red one that's the same theory as winning the EuroMillions and having other people not win it you're like you got a chippy

and your brother got the squirts that's a fucking he threw up that's extra food poison isn't it didn't just poo not just muck

no no no mouth muck mouth muck too but how how did was that just bad luck? How did he get food poisoning and you didn't? Because he ordered something else. He got salt and pepper chicken.

I got salt and pepper ribs. Not the same thing. Thanks. Different animals. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it? The opposite of negligible.

Is he all right? Yeah. Just did a vomit and then he said he was sound was in the bath when it happened where were you with like with this landscaping that's going on are you are you genuinely just letting them because this is all already making me feel a little bit how are you just like i see what they do see what they're doing like i had grass in the garden and i had 14 flags so I've took the 14 flags up got enough grass

to cover all of that and a little bit more erm they've dug all the grass up dug all the mud up got them some compost to make it all level got them the sand

got them hired them a wacker yeah which isn't a Joe Pesci style wacker where you get killed just the plate where it flattens

everything out yeah hired them that this morning from HSS in Bootle shout out did they give you 20% off no

yeah and they reckon they'll have the grass laid tonight right and if not tomorrow for me barbecue on Sunday which I've now got to cut short

because I forgot how to get we could just stay in the house like we're not going to like gangbang your missus are you not that's reassuring yeah I've told you now so we can you know if you're not going to, like, gangbang your missus. You know? Let's reassure them. Yeah.

I've told you now, so we can't. You know, if you're not going to gangbang someone, just don't bring up gangbangs. All right, we won't. Nothing. Yeah. Do you think that was what was going through Adam's mind, is the problem with the gig? Like, I wouldn't nip off and leave the barbecue,

but, you know, it's a family barbecue, and I don't want everyone gangbanging my missus. It's not the main concern. yeah number one it's the first thing in it yeah we got we got got ribs got chicken we've got the no gangbang waivers signed everyone signed a no gangbang waiver yeah cool yeah i bring my daughter a finger blinging um It's still not okay Why is that making me uncomfortable? I think it's funnier Because it's A kid doing it

I think that makes it Funnier What your kid finger Yeah yeah yeah Hilarious The court say it that way as well Like He made me finger

His bum hole It hadn't even It hadn't even occurred To me at all Until you went What happens if you If a kid just Fingers your bum hole It is bumhole. It hadn't even occurred to me at all until you went... What happens if a kid just fingers your bumhole? What happens?

Like, you haven't asked them. You haven't asked. You don't want it. In what situation is that going to happen? I mean, in the sea. Swimming bats changing room? Or in the sea at the beach? In the sea at the beach.

Talk me through it. Carl? You're in the sea. Your bum holds out. Right. Why is your bum all out? Because it's hot. All right.

So you've got... A legitimate one is you're in a swimming bath, right? That was an illegitimate one. What? That was an illegitimate one. It was a little bit, wasn't it? I'm naked in the sea and I was walking backwards. Some children were playing volleyball.

Next thing you know, I'm speaking to the dad. You're in the swimming baths, in the changing rooms. You're on your own, right? And you're getting changed and as you know, some men,

especially older ones like you, they let themselves hang loose. Don't they? In the swimming baths, changing rooms, they have to dick out and they're just naked. So imagine this.

You're in the changing rooms. You're completely naked and they're just naked so imagine this you're in the changing rooms you're completely naked and you bend over to tie your shoes I don't want to get your shoes on and no clothes are you why are you having to go

at all old men for getting naked in a changing room like everyone else is like no one else gets naked in changing rooms I keep me dick that's a fact

old men so you get changed in a changing room without getting naked at any point yeah I put me undies no I don't get me dick out in a changing room what I don't get me dick out in a changing room without getting naked at any point? Yeah, I put my undies... No, I don't get my dick out in a changing room. What?

I don't get my dick out in a changing... I'm not with him. How do you do that? I just put my undies on, like, under my towel. Oh, right. Yeah. Like a big lass at the beach? Yeah.

I get it. Yeah. It's absolute shit. I don't want to make everyone in the changing room jealous. Oh, you're not in a little cubicle. You're actually in the changing area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right.

It'd be fucking weird to do that. In my head, you're in a cubicle. I don't know why. I was like, there's a communal challenge. Some men get their dick out in the communal bit. Well, don't point at me. I get my little Tommy Johnson out in a cubicle. I'll go in a disabled and be like, this is a disability.

Let me in that fucking cubicle. I don't need anyone going, hey, what's that? Like a lifeguard, like, mate, are you coming in and out? What's the vignette, Adam? Tell us. So you bend over

to pick up your socks because you've dropped it on the floor. Right. And a kid comes over who's with their parents and just fingers you an arsehole vigorously. Right?

Right. Who has assaulted who there? I mean, it's the witnesses. Yeah. Right. I honestly, I would love to see the cctv of that how quick is he standing up what because if he's getting vigorously fingered he wants to stay bent over initially he doesn't realize it's a kid and he's enjoying it

i mean you could you could you could claim shock. Yeah, then I think the fault is back on the adult, innit? Once you're like, oh, hello, the fault goes back on the adult. Like, if you're watching the CCTV and some bloke is like, oh, I'm just putting on my Velcro shoes. And then all of a sudden, a kid's like, what is that? Boom! Like, you could like

why did that guy not move? You could be like just through shock of like I wasn't expecting this. Like a dog when it's biting someone you put your finger up his ass. Yeah, I always do that.

You meant to. Just like that. I got naked in the sea in Egypt. No, but genuinely what would happen there? Yeah, you can't move on from that call.

You're like yeah, we're done with that. Yeah, boring that. You can't be like next what would happen Dan I

I really it I'm not talking from experience what happened before was someone slightly misspoke

I tried to tell a story about Etta reading stories and then all of a sudden we're doing finger blanking so now for some reason I am I'm representing all old blokes who weirdly get their arses fingered to reading stories and then all of a sudden we're doing finger blanking. So now, for some reason, I am,

I'm representing all old blokes who weirdly get their arses fingered in a swimming pool and I, order, do not want to be this guy. You're,

you're, Dan, this has happened to you at the YMCA that you're now banned from. Come on, lad. Tell the story. What happened in court, Dan?

I mean, you keep bringing it up. Car like, bored of borderless i was in the sea once paddling let me tell you right i think serious questions need to be asked about how long you were bent over not that i'm saying that that's not like you know these girls on a night out well what was she wearing that's not fair is it at the same time for an old bloke if he's got like a bad back well how long was he bent down that almost suggests that he was asking for it as little timmy comes up and go oh no yeah and i'd say this kid little timmy let's call him little timmy you know can't

call him a sex offender he's just got a curious digit but i'd say the parents are gonna have to step in because at some point he's gonna lose that in a pencil sharpener Or in an old man's arsehole Again why am I representing all old guys who've been fingered? Imagine if the old guy just went what's that and then tensed up Yeah And then tensed up. And the kid was like, I can't get my finger out. That's a Chinese finger slap. Yeah. Hang on.

Right, so how about this? I mean, it could be from anywhere. You're bent over. Zorro. You're bent over. You're there. Not me. No, no, no, no, no. Where's Laura?

Laura's gone. Laura's there. No, it's not me. It's a random old guy. Laura's in the female changing rooms. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course. This is where I went wrong changing rooms? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Of course.

This is where I went wrong before, because when we've gone swimming, you all go in, and then everyone changes in the cubicle, because apparently the Ellesmere Port swimming baths have had some really nasty, timmy, fingering old men incidents, and gone, enough's enough.

Get them in the family change. So you're bent over? No. No. Order. Order. Order. Just order. No. No. Just belief. No. No. and gone enough's enough get him in the family change so you're bent over no no order order no no no i'm not a really good friend of yours is bent over called dan right right yeah just asking about finger blanking for a friend yeah right so he's bent over kid walks over riding gets two pumps is anyone else imagining a small Adam as this kid? Yeah.

Because there's not loads of kids going around going, I see an arsehole that's getting fucking on. Hey, sniff that. What's that? Thyme. Thyme. Bit of fucking zest of lemon.

And an old lad called fucking Alfred from the fucking changing rooms. Get on. Hey, makes the Cubans even nicer. Adam, how do you make these posh sandwiches? Well, the ingredients Bit of a fucking secret

You know the Colonel at KFC? He's got fuck all on me Chlorine and old lads Kim walks over, gets two pumps Fuck off, fuck off, right? To say fuck off, fuck off Two pumps in a dry arse as well Oh, but it's not dry Wet as well water is not a lubricant what water is not a okay will he spat on his finger then oh

it's already the worst like it's literally a game of say the worst thing ever in it right so before before with because then it shows intent doesn't it if the kid's like you know i'm gonna do but hang on i've been here before he's a repeat offender fuck off no don't shout if the kid shouts fuck off fuck off then it's all on him he's a deviant right okay so the kid goes. Not nice. Says not on, just. What? No, I think the old boy would be like, what? The fella immediately goes, oh, get off. Right?

And then the fella's like, who's kid's this? Yeah. And you've got to go big with that. Right? I think. If you go, oh, you've got a millisecond. Yeah. And then you're in the wrong. So then. You've got to go, hey, you've got a millisecond. Yeah. And then you're in the wrong.

You've got to go, hey, come on. What the hell? I really think you've got to go big. So then, let's say that happens. Is the kid legally responsible? Will he be sent to a young offenders institution for thinking old men's bum holes? With all the people who do the same sort of thing.

Oh, yeah. One of those. There's actually institutions for them. It's state run. Yeah, it the same sort of thing. Oh, yeah. One of those. The choker. Yeah. There's actually institutions for them. It's state run. Yeah, it's a really bad thing. Or would the parent be able to be like, hang on, mate. What's happened here, essentially,

is he's a kid. He's not culpable. You've put your bum all around his finger. Yeah. I think there's got to be some visible moonwalking By the old boy Before that blame can be Like if the kid has gone

Fuck off, fuck off No one And then going, nope Just fucking moonwalking Which if you know the history of Michael Jackson Would be apt Oh, did you ever did? What?

When he walked while he got fingered? No. Yes. No, I don't know. Yes. Were you in the sea once? No. Yeah.

How old is the kid? Eight. In my head, he's under 10. Eight. He's got sketches on. Right. He's got sketches. What?

And he rolls up. He's got one of those... He's got those... He's got heelies on. The heelies on. And armbands. Maybe. If the if the kids wearing helis then it's almost not his fault then isn't it and he's gonna run up he was like you know i want to just go over there and he was rolling like oh no he spat on his finger in the two pump yeah i really feel like adam sort of ruined the the imagination no as soon as you start going, and then this is what,

if he's doing that, yeah, it's like, why am I answering it seriously? Order. It's because you ask questions, I've got to answer them, I've got to explain the caveats. So, who do you reckon's going down there?

If it happens, and you're the old boy, it's all, I mean, I'm not saying it's an allegory for all accusations, but I think you've got to be when you've been accused of something i need to see i think we all need to see the genuine reaction of like what the fuck just happened what's this watch this shit hey how dare you as soon as the old man's like what have you liked it the old man is is the thing. Even if he is incredulous, like that, right?

Then, if it ever happens to him again, he's fucked, isn't he? Yeah. Even if it's a coincidence. Yeah. No one would believe that you've been fingered by two different children on two different occasions and it wasn't your fault. I think that's really solid logic. If you accidentally get fingered by, what are we talking about?

At a swimming bat. Once. I mean, you know, maybe. Maybe it's an accident. Twice, I think you've been fingered me once. Shame on you. Shame on me. Finger me twice. How did I get back in the swimming pool?

Finger me twice. I shouldn't have been allowed back in there. What if the fella loves it? What if he's like, yeah yeah who's broke the law then right but it's just so ridiculous it's almost like not worth considering isn't it

because if an old man bends over you say that until it happens an old man bends over and a child is very unlikely to be like oh yeah

oh yeah he might do he hasn't been in touch in a while like the Kool-Aid guy oh yeah oh yeah like macho man Randy Savage Elizabeth He hasn't been in touch in a while. Like the Kool-Aid guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Macho man Randy Savage.

Elizabeth. Well, I hope that helps with the... Did someone ask a question about that? Oh, no, we got there on our own. Great. Did you paint this today? I just gave it a quick spray of... Well, I've now got a black hand.

Black paint. It's a great way of stopping you playing fucking desk bongos, isn't it? I traded the black stuff, didn't I? Got a black hand Black paint It's a great way Of stopping you Playing fucking Desk bongos innit I traded the black stuff Didn't I Got a black hand He'd been swimming Anyway

Are you up to the weekend After the game I'm going out Tomorrow night What Yeah Swimming Dancing shoes

No I don't think so We're going out Into Chester For a steak and beer who are you going with a couple of lads that used to work at the Laugh Inn Tony and Rummy who both listen to the podcast mates of Danny Mac

and there's only about 12 people in Chester so we all know each other and we're going to go for steak we tried to go to Hickory's the steakhouse it's so good but we couldn't get in because they got

booked up ages ago it's just so popular but yeah we're going for steak and beers and stuff and I am pretty excited Laura

not as excited is she not going she's accepted it but the phrase she used I was like it's alright innit she went

it is what it is which I don't think is a ringing endorsement of me starting my social life again. People on Love Island have just been dumped. It is what it is. Yeah, so we're going out and I'm going to try and keep it relatively on the tracks.

I'm a little bit out of practice. I'm not pub fit. Like you said, you've been going out loads. I mean- So you're not going to be doing coke off your T-bone? No. I turned you on a bit, that didn't- No. Like you said you've been going out loads So you're not going to be doing coke off your T-bone? No I turned you on a bit that didn't No

No Because you can like steak and you can like cocaine But to do them at the same time seems like a little bit foolish Yeah it's not going to be It's not going to be one of them nights Genuine question It's going to be four or five beers maybe Genuine question

Four or five beers? Six maybe How long do you. It's going to be four or five beers, maybe. Genuine question. Four or five beers? Six, maybe. How long do you think you're going to be out for? I don't know. I'm saying four or five beers because I'm doing that thing where I'm like, I'm not planning to get shitted. I think two hours, don't worry.

When your wife is like, oh, I'm all right going out, and she's like, it is what it is. I can't come back with my pants around my head. Four beers is a maximum of two hours isn't it yeah well I might have

more beers then six beers I'll keep a check on it I'll put it in the WhatsApp group for the podcast like Adam I'm up to seven gold lad down

yeah and I know like it's really and if Laura kicks off just give her my number I'll explain to her and that'll sort it house should be

really unreasonable yeah and then I'm divorced and then I can live alone. And that's great. Do more podcasting. Got a couch there. Brilliant to sleep on the couch.

You've got a garden office? Yeah. The garden office was built partially as a defence mechanism for... Get out of this house! I will. I'll be in the divorce bunker,

innit? It's the divorce bunker. People have like World War II bunkers. You've got a divorce bunker ready. Yeah. It hasn't got a toilet, but, you know

In times of strife But you're in the garden You can piss in the garden The garden's basically One big toilet isn't it Yeah Great Let's hope

Yeah Let's hope that by the time Jack and your dad Have finished with it Yours doesn't look like A massive car This is where you shit This is where you piss

So yeah going out I feel like very I feel like It's two separate things Isn't it When you're weeing No I'm wrong it's two separate things, isn't it? When you're weeing in a... You ever done a poo, don't do it in a wee? No.

It's impossible. Yeah? Yeah. It's like there's... I've said this before. It's like there's two buttons, right? But the poo one overlaps the wee one. Yeah.

So if you press the poo button, the wee button comes with it. You know what I mean? Because you've got to reach here, so you can just press the wee one. You can't just, like, you can't do that. Adam studied biology. Like the flush on the toilet,

like the light flush and the heavy flush. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't think I've ever used... Poo is essentially a heavy flush. I don't think I've ever used the different settings

on one of those toilets. Because who wants to light flush the toilet? Who wants to just get rid of a bit of the light? Yeah, I don't think the different settings on one of those toilets because who wants to light flush the toilet they want to just get rid of a bit of the light yeah I don't think the light flush is for you know

it's not for a shit is it it's just for a little for a weird I just press the thing I just press both of them like yeah yeah so going out

thanks for you I feel like you've given me like you even asked about it a few days ago when's your night out I feel like you've given me like you even asked about it a few days ago when's your night out I feel very like weirdly patronised like

he's doing really well he's 40 his dick and balls are on a shelf somewhere but he's going out for beers in the time that I've had this kid you've been out

on 42 nights out that's it your first night out after a baby especially your first night out after a baby during a pandemic is a lot like your first date after after a baby especially your first night out after a baby during a pandemic is a lot like your first date after a divorce isn't it or the first days after a breakup it's

like it's not a bad are you excited don't don't don't feel like you owe these guys anything okay take it slow if they really like you they'll see you again even if you don't do everything they want you to do they'll see you again if they really don't do everything they want you to do they'll see you again if they really like you what are you wearing I'm nervous what are you wearing I don't know

you getting your brown shoes on cargo pants no jeans not what I was wearing on last week's episode jeans

I got absolutely hammered I think I'll go jeans should I go jeans shirt or button up shirt or t-shirt or shirt I might go the Adam shirt or t-shirt or shirt. I might go the Adam Rowe t-shirt,

like fashionable jacket. Nice. What do you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about shoes? Trainers? Yeah. The New Balance ones, do you like?

You think they're all right? Yeah, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. Eyeliner? Do I wear eyeliner? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Line your third eye. Yeah.

Hat? Always hat Yeah Oh yeah It's my night out Clubber Yeah yeah yeah Not one of these though Bowler hat thing

Bowler hat Top hat Top hat For my visit to Buckingham Palace Good day to you madam What do you call it then Trilby isn't it It's a pork pie hat

Pork pie hat Yeah the one I wear on stage Is a pork pie Yeah man What about a top hat You'd look what about a top hat you'd look good in a top hat i'd look like a fucking dick at chester in chester you wouldn't look all that out of place because it's a little northern tory stronghold in place people have like massive like long heads they should wear top hats because then people think it's just a rat but actually they've

got a long head under it great advice great advice if you've ever been fingered by a child in a swimming pool bathroom or if you've got a long head and you've ever been fingered by a child in a swimming pool bathroom or if you've got a long head and you've never thought about wearing a tall hat Adam Rowell ladies and gents he's giving advice

here to there and everywhere Dan would you wear a kipper? a like a yeah a yam you mean a yarmulke thing

it's not a kipper kippers are fish you know a yarmulke you mean the school cat a Jewish school cat I thought it's not a kipper kippers are fish you know a yarmulke you mean the skull cat a Jewish skull cat I thought it was called a kipper

two p's and an a and a h do you want to pull that up because I feel like Finn the kipper made kippers Finn's had a look on his face

for a lot of this episode going lads I really want to keep this job so could you just not yeah yeah kipper

oh it's a kipper What's a yarmulke then There's a Leeds on there as well Oh similar Maybe it's different ages Something Okie doke I want a kappa kipper

For me Christian A kappa kipper And I want a Yamaha yarmulke Made like As in kappa the old Yeah Yeah

A kappa kipper A kappa kipper Yeah If you've got any And I wear it while I'm having a cuppa If you've got Like, as in Kappa, the old... Yeah. Yeah. A Kappa Kipper. A Kappa Kipper. Yeah. If you've got any... And I wear it while I'm having a cuppa. If you've got... If you've got a bar mitzvah or a bat mitzvah in your family, if you've got any Jewish have a word lids,

please, can you invite Adam and us to your family get-together? Do you reckon there's any Kappas who've got Kappa Kippers? At the synagogue. I reckon Kappa, the Chelsea goalkeeper, does. Kappa, the Chelsea goalkeeper, has got a Kepa Kepa and his dad's a Kopper and he loves a Kopper. It's definitely time for a break. Like 100%.

You've gone crazy. That damn crazy eyes. How's your black hands? It's only a black sort of thumb bum. Like the bottom of your thumb. A thumb bum? Like the rest of my hands still. Sorry. What do you call it? Your thumb bum? Do you like the bottom of your thumb? The thumb bum? Like the rest of my hand still. Sorry.

What do you call it? Your thumb bum. Yeah. Oh, the fat bit at the end of your thumb? Yeah. Have you ever grabbed it? Does everyone call it the thumb bum? No.

That's the cutest thing ever. Do I call it the palm of my hand? No, because this bit's also the palm. That's not just the... That's the thumb bum. You've invented that right there. I'm so glad I didn't's also the palm. That's not just the... That's the thumb bum. You've invented that right there. I'm so glad I didn't press fucking the button. It's so cute.

That's the thumb bum. My mum said that was always the thumb bum. And sometimes I'm like, have I got a big bit at the bottom of my thumb? And she was like, some people like a bit of junk in the thumb bum. Oh, he's a little cute, isn't he? Go ahead.

Hey, listen to this. This podcast, I've a word, yeah, is sponsored by beer52.com. And we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor. And I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK.

What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate, okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month's worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something.

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train on the fucking track so go to beer52.com slash weird right now and get yourself some bevvies for nothing I've had a really itchy gooch for like

three days but you can't just itchy gooch in public because it looks like you're picking your arsehole so we've had some questions in public because it looks like you're picking your arsehole so we've had some questions but you've been out

in public for three days what? have you been out in public for three days I'm always out in public no but I mean surely one good itch has sorted it

have you had three days like there's no relief no that wouldn't be a really itchy gooch would it? that would be an itchy gooch slightly itchy gooch wouldn't be a really itchy gooch would it that would be an itchy gooch slightly itchy gooch

I've got a really itchy gooch like right now I want to get this an itch me gooch would it that's too soft that's not that's not going to help

is it no oh dear it's actually oh dear everyone just for the audio listeners you don't want to know probably

use the gavel smells like thyme just for the audio listeners, you don't want to know. Probably, use a gavel. Smells like thyme. Galachta. Memories. Steve Harper says, Hi Alana and Deidre. Hope you guys are doing well.

Love the pod. It's boss. Had an idea for the live shows. If you rented polygraph machines and then strap used both into one, you could ask each other horribly personal questions and the whole crowd would know if it was truth or a lie. Also, what questions would you like to ask each other in this scenario where a big crowd of people

would instantly know if it was bullshit or not? Well, I'm not going to answer the second part of that. Cheers, Steve. Because I'm'm gonna save those questions for when we absolutely definitely are doing this yeah the first thing i uh i just emailed back today i was like that is wonderful you're gonna do a polygraph on a live show you're gonna do it as well i'm producing it unfortunately me and finn are busy producing finn can produce that one we'll get finn to answer them on a second last show.

It's a big question. What are you worried about? Because you're asking me something ridiculous. Like what? I don't know. You're not going to ask me now because you're not getting

ready for the answer. But what, you're involved with the podcast that in that first section we spent way too long talking about an imaginary eight year old finger blanking

an old dude in a swimming bath and now you're like i would never want certain truths to come out like you're already on a fucking podcast by animals that wasn't the truth no i know but i mean it's not like you're like a true like an mp or something you're not like a trusted it issellor. You're already like living the animal lifestyle. So why would the polygraph be a problem? Because, okay, it's fine. That's my first question.

It's going to be when you're hooked up. I'll get it out to you once. I'll get it out first. You grow it. Not a shower. I mean, every man's a... Nobody goes smaller when they grow, do they? That's a really good point.

No one's a shower, not a grower. He just walks around with a nine-inch dick. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's not, but it's always nine inches. I got told years ago... It doesn't grow, does it? And this might be speaking wildly out of turn. I don't think...

When has that ever stopped us? You'll see why in a minute. So there was a girl who worked with me in McDonald's. Let's, this isn't her name, but let's call her Rhiannon, right? Didn't need a name, but now she's got one. It's definitely a name as well. It isn't. It really isn't.

But now I've just realised I work with someone else in McDonald's called Rhiannon, if she does listen to this, thing is about to end. So Adam made up her name and went, oh god I need another name. I'll go for one of the other girls that works at McDonald's that'll get round it. Poor Rhiannon who used to work at McDonald's. Have you seen that? I'll have a word. So basically she was dating

two people at the same time and one of them was white and one of them was black right? Nice diversity, good. In the staff room one day at the same time and one of them was white and one of them was black right okay diversity good in the staff room one day no they weren't in the dance room riannon was really ahead of her time she people like like mock the week book the panels a bit of diversity uh riannon where are the uh where are the female partners i'm sorry and we were talking in the in the where are the female partners sorry go and we were talking

in the in the green room the staff room the staff room talking in the staff room and one of the lads made a joke

was like obviously you'll stay with the black guy she's got a bigger dick and she was like it's not even true the thing about black guys having bigger dicks

the thing is on flop their dicks are bigger but then they just get hard and they don't go any bigger i know a shower and he says it just gets hard it doesn't get any bigger and you know i'm as well okay doc yeah yeah i'm not sure what to do with that uh i mean i'm a grower it's it's you are i'm a grower yeah i think everyone here is oh I'm a grower I could have just done with more growth

yeah like I go from like good god are you alright is that a medical condition too oh that's a shame that's my level of growth to like

people like ah to like people like to like wah people wah

yeah yeah you're doing this in a museum wah we're all growers in here Finn why the why music Adam just because people are watching you What? Yeah, yeah. You're doing this in a museum. What? We're all growers, aren't we, Finn? Why a museum? Adam? Just because people are watching you.

Like in museums. Grower. Yeah. Absolutely. It's a professional comedian. You're doing this in a museum. Not one of the paid gigs that you do in front of people who are watching you.

Museum. That's where Dan will get his dick out. What about one of the live shows, if I have a word? Nah, nah. He's where dan will get his dick out what about one of the live shows if i have a word nah nah he's not gonna get his dick out there but museum would you ever at a live show get your dick out because we've spoke so much about your torture i'll show me i'll show me scar for me reduction surgery would you get your dick out honestly that would give me the patreon thank you show would you get your little nuggets out would you get your bum all out as well yeah it's coming in the fire is this what people want like it's all very well when brennan at the live show which that we streamed in december when we shaved his ass it wasn't like pre-planned

the way we're doing it is like would you get your dick out it's like there's almost like no fun and playfulness about it like right ladies and gents been a really good show now dan's gonna get his little dick out look at that now he's crying he would go absolutely mental for it right i think that like you know gotta find a way to top shaving someone waxing someone's asshole like there's only one top getting your dick out would be a good end to a show right but obviously we do everything together in this show adam don't wait we've we've we've split the profits we've done it you know it's my yours and mine right from day one so if little you know if the little captain's coming out then you know and the big captain's coming out, then, you know.

Then the big captain's got to come out as well. Yeah, the weapon of mass destruction's got to come out. I'll get me the house if you get your other house. Right. Absolutely. Okay. We get a sponsor for it on Manscaped. We've already got a sponsor for it.

They can sponsor the pubic region. You can't shave your dick with a Manscaped thing. Well, I wouldn't risk it anyway. Right. It's a matter that you shave your dick with a manscape thing well i wouldn't risk it anyway right um it's my thing you shave your dick it still blows my mind the old hair on your dick i just don't want a hairy dick it's mad your little fucking yeah let's get it out but maybe we could get like a sex toy company to give us like a cock ring a cock ring yeah Right Or some dick jewellery As if that What's dick jewellery? What? What is dick jewellery? A dick jazzle

Like an earring for your dick A dick jazzle An earring Like a Prince Albert What's that? You know what a Prince Albert is? No Like what?

No I don't What? You know what a Prince Albert is? Really? Is it a ring that goes through your bellend? Yeah No I wouldn't want that I want like two earrings one on each of me balls me not knowing what it was isn't the reason i've not got one you know like oh no now that i didn't know that

was an option quickly to the piercing shop uh no i'm not i'm not i couldn't think it's actually making me i don't i don't do this podcast with my bald head out. I'm not doing a live show with my little knob out. You don't have to keep it out for the whole show. Oh, I don't want to get my. Just raise it at the end. No. Just a quick like.

The only thing that makes me want to get my dick out is for you to get your dick out. So everyone's like, what? Would you get that done? No. I'm not going to put this on the screen. No. You can Google it yourself.

Google Kim Salva. Google Kim Salva. Get us demonetized. No. Turn can Google it yourself. Google Pim Salver. Google get us demonetised. No. Turn that off. What the fuck was that? It was a PSD. Don't drop box it to yourself, Finn.

Good Lord. Would you ever get like two, like hoop earrings, one on each ball, just put through your bag? Yeah. Good question. I would.

I would. What's that called? called the queen victoria what you on about not getting my little knob out at any live shows the only sadness there is that adam doesn't get his not as big as he's made out penis oh that would be headline in the show what was the question it was about the lie detector polygraph it was the lie detector and Adams went straight to your dick like he didn't even take much thinking time

what lie detector polygraph I've never seen I would say yeah he's a very private person I've seen Adams dick once yeah and it was

and he took his fucking house it was angry was it Harry Potter 2 sorry at the end the chamber of secrets there's a big oh the basilisk yeah there's a big oh the basilisk

yeah there's a basilisk I've never heard they called that that's true I've seen it once and it can we just do the Ja Rule that I

absolutely deserve it feels worse that no one did Kobe or Ja Rule I actually felt like worse that thank you thanks for doing Ja Rule

wow if you really tank a joke and then everyone's like that was so bad it doesn't even deserve a Ja of real, you're like, oh, sorry, guys. Harry Potter, too.

Like a big snake at the end of Harry Potter 2. My dick is adequate. That's all a dick needs to be. Yeah. If it does a job, that's it. Yeah. You're not fucking knocking down walls, would you? No.

Smashing puss. Yes. Love it. Dan Barnes says, I had an all-dayer in Liverpool. Sorry, wait, wait, wait. Are we doing a polygraph at the Underbelly show?

Tickets still on sale, by the way, on the Underbelly website in London, Cavendish Square, the 19th of September. Sunday the 19th. Selling fast. It is selling really fast. Thanks to everyone who's bought tickets so far.

There's people travelling from all over the country for it, which we appreciate. But if you haven't booked them yet, the fuck are you waiting for? Gobshite. The link will be in the YouTube comment, not comments, in the description. Yeah.

And the Spotify description and all that shit. Have you stuck it in the pod bean as well? Oh, God. Ooh, that sounds dirty though. You're good. Stick it in the pod bean. That sounds like, God, Finn, you're good. Ooh, that sounds dirty, though. You're good. Stick it in the pod bean. That sounds like a euphemism. Are we doing it?

I am, like, yeah, maybe. It's a maybe, innit? Why? If you want to do a polygraph. We'll get Jeremy Kyle down. He's not busy now. No. What happened to Jeremy Kyle?

Someone killed him. Someone killed himself after the show, and they blamed him for orchest orchestrating it to be fair there was 20 years of him basically bullying poor people on a on a set in manchester wasn't it yeah i can't believe you fuck three other women from the estate like in the end someone's gonna be like apparently my mates used to work on jeremy kyle and it was just it was like animal house the night before because they all stayed in that hotel near granada studios and it was just it was like Animal House the night before because they all stayed in that hotel

near Granada Studios and it was all booting off because they'd come at like if you've never seen Jeremy Kyle either because

you're an international listener or whatever it was our version of Jerry Springer Jerry Springer but more rough what? it was more rough

yeah I think they were pretty rough on Jerry Springer no I don't mean rough as in fighting I mean just like rough air people I think no they were pretty rough on Jerry Springer. No, I don't mean rough as in fighting, I mean just like rough air people, I think. No, but they were rough on Jerry Springer, weren't they? Jerry Springer? They were just American rough. Yeah.

There was a lot like, She fucked him and I never said, not my baby. You know, from Stockton. Stockton on T's. Can you expand on that story? She fucked him and that's not my baby. Is that his baby? Have him and that's not my baby. Is that his baby? Have you put that over there?

She fucked him and that's not my baby. I'm not saying that's his baby. I'm just saying that's not my baby. That's a woman's voice as well. Hey, I don't ever assume gender. You don't see gender? I remember distinctly

we were watching Harry Potter 2. The puttering and um you know he's not my baby they were rough on jerry springer weren't they yeah they were i suppose so we just that's our version of rough yeah but it was apparently it was just fights and like people getting fucking hammered at the hotel bar and then they'd all turn up hungover so what you were watching a lot on jeremy kyle was all those people going you fucking i can't believe you and you were doing this with her while they were hungover so it was extra eggy i just always sort of thought with that i didn't say about jeremy kyle when i first asked that was as a lot of people did um i never understood how you end up on that show like if I had shagged someone behind me Mrs Barrow

and she was like right I don't believe you we're going on Jeremy Kyle there's nothing that could be offered to me to convince me to do that I don't think they paid I mean I'm not 100%

but I'm pretty sure they didn't pay they just got the travel expenses to Manchester and a hotel for a couple of nights it's not the people

you're just making a twat out of yourself on the telly but it's like the people who send have a words in you can almost understand if people are into this podcast and they go ah something's going on

and these lads love a bit of this so I'm going to ask them to fuck around and talk about it. It's not a paternity test. But it's the same thing with Jeremy Kyle. If you're sat there going, oh my God,

I think I've been wronged or he's been cheating on me. I watch Jeremy Kyle. I'd like to fucking fuck him over on TV. No, I get that. Why would the guy then be like, all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going on, I'm going to go on. I get why the person going, you fucked me over wants to go on. 100% attention and resolution the person who knows they've fucked up why are they going all right dying with the lie isn't it it's like yeah i'm not lying of course i'll go on i'm sure there was a load of applications where the guy was like nah i'm all right thanks yeah but yeah

you've got to be a certain level of daft to do it there was a great episode once it was so rough they cheated on each other and the kid was and is like they both did lie detectors they both cheated and the kid was and is because they did

the thing and it was just beautiful they did a DNA test yeah so he she she'd like been accused of cheating by him

and to get here to go on she'd gone well i think she's on me you do one and he's gone i will and we're doing a percentage test as well and they went on she did the lie detector and it was like yeah she's been shagging everything and he was like you fucking horrible disgusting bitch and then he's come out and it was like yeah he's been jagged and she was like you hypocritical twats you've had to go at me for this this and this you've been doing everything i can't believe you and then they did the dna test and it wasn't his and he just walked off it was oh beautiful television yeah that kid's doing fine i'm sure that kid's doing fine no one worry about that beautiful television as a child like

the kids not on the show is it no the kids aren't there are they yeah i can't i've watched jeremy carl a few times but you know the kid opened the envelope see if it's your dad we've got three guests no fuck you she's not even your mum so now that happened okay now how much do you like white light i do think sometimes, you know, like when, like I wonder if she knew who the dad was after that. Because I know a girl who, she was a promiscuous lady and she- Just pick a name.

Rhiannon. Rhiannon. No, Rhianna. It's different. She's quite open about the fact That she Loves the cock She's a shagger Yeah

And she Nothing wrong with it Nope She got shagged by four lads in one night Oh I mean just logistically That's difficult Yeah

And got pregnant Oh wow And had the baby And she was just like I don't care who's it is It's just my baby And she's still bringing that kid up now

okay she just didn't want to she's got no idea who the dad of that is did you all look the same all the lads there wasn't like yeah four identical

quadruplets wasn't like her I mean was she definitely sure it was that night can you I mean I don't know you know because if you

bang it so if you get pregnant and you're and you're definite it's that night you probably could assume that you haven't had sex for a couple of weeks before or a couple of weeks after. If you're shagging four people in a night,

you've probably been up to something the week before and the week after, haven't you? It's not like I, honestly, I like to have a quiet month. A lot of people think, you know, do four separate Saturday nights. I just like, you know know like comedians sometimes do triples yeah payday yeah she shags she shags like london comics do quadruples she's got an agent um wow i knew he was number four that night yeah i don't know i do i mean we i'd love

to genuinely have the story of how how you how you sort of make it work because it's not like right okay we're gonna schedule it quarter past six terry you're coming round you've got like a restaurant with covid you've only got an hour and a half and then we have got the table booked at eight and then fucking who's next steve teddy jacko jacko yeah and last mubarak but it'd be obvious if it was his why you're just assuming his race based on his name steve's asian Steve's Asian mate how did you not know that couldn't have heard it from the that's Steve from Rajasthan

Rajasthan just picked an area of India just felt safer than saying Pakistan is there any more questions

more questions Will says hi Lyds I'm a musician from Ireland and I just wanted to ask you a few questions to see what you say question one what he's doing vance he's literally he's written what what is your opinion on ed sheeran what's your opinion opinion of ed sheeran hardly gets mentioned

doesn't he the little ginger whiz kid have you Have you seen... What? I wasn't ready for the little gingerwizkid. Gingerwizkid? Yeah. I just wasn't ready for him. Have you seen his house? We were talking about this

on the way to the... I've been around for a while, haven't we? On Monday. No, last week. Last Saturday. Ed Sheeran's house. I just think he's largely

inoffensive. He's probably dead sound, but... He knows how to make money and how to make successful music, but I don't like him. Laura's really into Ed Sheeran, and it's sort of done...

I've done that thing of, like, I've never been bothered. I've been aware of him. I thought the A-Team was great when I first heard it. And then there's been some tunes over the years that you go, no, that's all right.

It's a good pop song. But then because Laura's into it, I've ended up listening to it a lot more. He's, yeah. Go on. What's happened no i i don't think you had something to say but you wanted the premise what where were you you said you listened to the a team and in my head i went that was a tv show oh it'd be funny if i said on the wireless was that on the wireless but then you'd need the context so i just decided i was just going to enjoy it to myself instead I said on the wireless was that on the wireless but then you'd need the context so I just

decided I was just gonna enjoy it to myself instead of put on the episode and then I laughed at it and Carl I saw the cogs working sometimes it

it gobsmacks me that we're having the success we're having like I know some of it there's some moments where I'm like that really made me laugh

and the other times I'm like the A-Team is the name of a TV show and the other times are like the a team is the name of a tv show and the a team is the song but what I could do is and then the fact that you checked yourself and went no I'm not gonna do that because I don't know and then you were like good and then carl was like last last shut up something's going on he's made fucking millions. How do you feel about him?

Can you give Finn the mic? Because you're a musician, Finn. Is he someone you look up to? I really like the first two albums. He's just done amazing for himself and it's just him, isn't it? We were talking about this. It's just him.

So the amount of money he's making on a tour is insane. He's got no brand. He just turns up with his loop pedal and can play a fucking stadium he's i'd be more likely to go and see him if he was like one of those one man bands and it was edgy but he's got like a drum and a harmonica what like dick van dyke at the start of mary poppins. She's in the class A team. What is that arm doing? No, no. What is that arm doing? That's the triangle.

That's the least efficient one man band ever. That's half a bagpipe. And they're the lyrics. No, that's him playing the arm. I haven't got one, so I need to. That's half a bagpipe. And they're the lyrics. No, that's him playing the armlock, but I haven't got one, so I need to... Adam's got a loose image of what a one-man band guy looks like. I think it's a while since he's watched Mary Poppins. And then just...

He's got a triangle up here. Ding, ding. And then... Why does the triangle have to be up here? Ding ding. Bop, bop, bop. And then. Up, dup, dup, dup, bop. Why does the triangle have to be up here? Where else are you gonna put it? Down here. Why? Don't explain what man-man's to him.

Where you gonna put a triangle? You've gotta sellotape it to a stick from your head. There's no other place for the triangle. You could just sellotape a bit of metal to your dick and just bang it I would love to see Adam play one man band how clever is that though

that's like that's comedian smart just not having a band that's like that's exactly why I always think being in a band must be fucking murder

because you've got to do rehearsals and then pay everyone. The best thing about being a comic is just turning up being like... We're in a band though, aren't we? Yeah. I suppose so. Band of brothers. This is my guitar. But we just come to one place where all the stuff is.

Yeah. And you play it like a guitar we uh we just cut it's not different from being a touring musician and being a touring comic yeah wherever like there's five nights where you're going to different places that's exactly why i love being a comic you just turn up and like i love when they're like have you got any tech requirements a microphone and i'll be all right i i don't think i'd do as many gigs if I had to take my speakers with me. Do you know what I mean? Like the shit gigs?

Yeah. So in comedy, there's a lot of gigs where part of the, it's the most depressing thing. You're like, right, we are looking for an opener and a headliner

and also a compa, host, who's getting paid one third the opening acts fee, but you've got to bring your old PA and mic. And you're like, oh, God. Oh, God. You'd surely play the saxophone as well, wouldn't you, Adam? What?

You'd surely play the self-saxophone. I'd play the saxophone if I was a woman as well, yeah. So no harmonica, actually. So it's just... You say you're not into Ed Sheeran. I think it was out of his third album. That's Ed Sheeran. About drugs this About prostitution Triangle Saxophone

Bagpipe Me dick I play me dick This would have been bigger Operation this would have been bigger operation so Ed Sheeran yeah covered yeah I like him

yeah right I'm trying to find a question that is silly is matching the silliness of the general mood sometimes with the questions I think oh it'd be nice to be offset some of the bullshit

with an actual question. And then there's times where you can just judge the room when it's going to be like... It's absolutely pointless. The Goat writes in, Hi lads, not sure if you heard, but the viral Charlie bit my finger video has been taken off YouTube to be sold privately

as an NFT, like selling a painting or a piece of artwork such as an unmade bed to a private owner. Two questions. If you could own... Well, let's park the fucking trans-a-van for a second. You can't sell. Oh, so I saw the perfect description of what an NFT is. A non-fungible token.

Someone did a Monaan and Lisa analogy of it. Right. No, but here's my point. You can figure that out for a sec. Here's my point, Dan. The unmade bed. We all know. If you're a long-time listener, you'll know. Tracey Emin's art piece.

The unmade bed. I've got a bit of beef with it. I think she was lazy twice. Couldn't be asked doing a painting. So she was like, I'll just give them that. Deal with my bed. I've got a bit of beef with her. I think she was lazy twice. Couldn't be arsed doing a painting. So she was like, I'll just give them that. That's my opinion. I understand that some people think that's reductive. I disagree. I mean, it is definitely reductive.

That's not the subjective bit. Some people think that is reductive. I don't. I think it's fucking smart. I think she's a grubby bitch. She should have tidied the bedroom instead of picking it all up, taking think it's fucking smart. I think she's a grubby bitch. She should have tidied the bedroom instead of picking it all up, taking it to a fucking museum.

But here's my point, right? Oh, God. I know. I said the wrong word. Hand on heart. I can understand. Like, being totally serious, I can understand why people are going,

serious? Are we serious now? Serious. Right? So, as much as I can understand why people are going, Serious? Are we serious now? Serious, right? Right. So, as much as I think it's bollocks, that R piece, right? I can smell your fingers. Right? Time.

Got time on me hands. You've been swimming. Right? It's a thing. It's a thing. It's me thing, right? He's making a point, guys. I think the bed thing is bollocks, but...

But? I get what you're all about where you're like it's a comment on the world because she's done this right it's a comment on depression I said that but I know what you mean you get what I mean but selling that to a private

collector is bollocks because him making or making his bed he could just do that himself and it's no worse because she hasn't painted it oh my god no no no no you're always on about painting no it's more of a sculpture than a painting okay oh isn't just painting okay fucking crayola obsessed mother okay okay right let's take your point then. It's more like a sculpture, right? If you hire a sculptor, it's because they're good.

Shut up a minute. It's because they're good at sculpting. So you can't sculpt yourself as good as that because there's a skill to it. There's no skill to not making your bed. So he could just not make his bed and it makes the same point about depression as Ayers did. Yeah, no, but Ayers won the Turner Prize. Oh my God. Are we actually going to do Tracy Emin's bed so he could just not make his bed and it makes the same point of depression as his did yeah no

but his won the turner prize oh my god are we actually gonna do tracy emmons bed when we're talking about nfts how are we how are you got you you brought it up no no you did what you said like tracy emmons bed no he brought it up he brought it up and i read it that's still you bringing it up fuck fuck you Harry Robinson Dan Johnson's the goat again erm I really wish I'd not read that bit

because Adam cannot get past Tracey Emin's bed he hates it and it doesn't matter what you think and it doesn't matter what I think

it's like just cause you go shite fucking I've got a fucking shitty bedroom am i an artist no but we've got past that that's not what i'm saying if you get given a space in an art gallery to do something it's not about being amazing with like sculpting or painting it's about going this is a space i want people to come into this space and i will make them think feel things by just

observing whatever i've done all sorts of conceptual art has been done over the years I want people to come into this space and I will make them think feel things by just observing whatever I've done all sorts of conceptual art has been done over the years it's everything it's not just sculpturing painting and that's what she chose to do you're not arsed loads of people were it was of its time yeah people slagged it off fine right yeah but how how does that relate to NFTs because please we cannot talk about you going it's just a fucking bed no i'm not saying that anymore am i i've come halfway over to your side and said i get that the point she's trying to make but once she's made that point some daft twat gone i'll buy that eight million quid yeah there's no need to do that because if he takes it out of the art gallery it might as well just be

his bed right that's right i see what you're saying if someone buys it and then takes it out of the art gallery. It might as well just be his bed. Right. That's, right. I see what you're saying. If someone buys it and then takes it home, yeah, where are you? If it's a sculpt, where are you putting it?

Sculpture. Sculpture. Or a painting. Then, I understand that. Or a painting. Because that's the painting and the skill to it

as well as, as well as whatever it's trying to say. Do you know, the Tracy Ammons bed is not in a rich guy's hallway? It's not like, you must come through. We're having drinks in the parlor. First of all, have you seen this lovely piece?

I'm sorry, Brian. It looks like a really untidy bedroom here. Actually, it's a very clever art piece. It's in an art gallery, isn't it? Like, it's in its own. You also know that Peyton's aren't NFTs. Mona Lisa? No, no, no. The Mona Lisa was used as an analogy. So it's like someone going, do you't NFTs. Mona Lisa? No, no, no.

The Mona Lisa was used as an analogy. So it's like someone going, do you want to buy the Mona Lisa? Yeah. 100 million, please. Can I take it home? No, no, you don't own it. You own the receipt to it.

So you can tell people it's yours, but you can't actually have it. That's essentially what an NFT is. Right, okay. I get it now. So it's because the internet and all the stuff that's been going on there, you can basically clip out these memes or even GIFs or short videos.

And what they're saying is, and people are selling them, aren't they? Like Tim Dillon just sold an NFT, which I think was a clip from his podcast. And he was in his head, he was going to raise millions from it. I think he made 80 grand from doing an nft so what we could do is obviously it's about how much people are willing to buy it's not like you can't just be like adam's gonna knock out five nfts today but we could clip out you doing the one man band and being like that's going to be our new we're going to sell that as an nft so it's almost like a collector's item it would still be in the episode

wouldn't it like you don't have to pull it from the internet like the mona lisa would still exist in the gallery but you'd own it but you can't have it but it's yours but the but what harry said is like oh charlie bit my fingers like it's off youtube exactly they're ridiculous but nfts don't disappear like no it's been taken off just while it's getting sold just for whatever it'll go back up yeah because the owner the person whose channel it is still owns it. So that's my thing about NFTs. And I would love someone to explain like Bitcoin to me because I don't understand what Bitcoin is.

Bitcoin's machine money. Yeah. It's like money in there. It's decentralized. So it's not controlled by any banks or nations. Right. Absolutely fine. I don't know how they mine for it.

I don't understand that. Anyway, but how, if you've got an, say we do that thing of like, Adam doing the fucking triangle and then be like, we clip that out and that's an NFT. Just, what does the person who spends, say we sell that for 10 grand,

that person owns that NFT, what does that gain the person that's buying a non-fungible token? The kudos of like, I've brought Adam being a one-man band. Yeah, but like, have you seen Charlie with my finger? Yeah, I own that video.

Right. Like, that's it. You don't get any monetization from it. You're just like, yeah, I own that. Yeah. Or like the Doge meme. I own that, that's mine. It's basically just rich people

just finding something else to fucking spend their money on. It makes me want to join Al-Qaeda. That's how annoying it is i like i think you're buying the receipts of the west you're buying the receipts or something but you don't own the thing i want to join al-qaeda just after he gets no but i mean is that blockbusters does that not make you feel like what is how far have we come in terms of like civilization that we're like yeah you know that clip that people can still see and is still part of another thing yeah you now own that and we've called it an nft like what kind of like how is that something that and maybe it's because i'm not super wealthy but i just like i'd be like yeah

it's fine just leave it on youtube and watch it bragging isn't it right what's the question what do you think about nfts uh no we didn't get to the question two questions if you could own any form of media privately to stop anyone else from seeing it what would it be so you can't stop people seeing and if you could privatize a highlight from have a word episode to sell as an mft to a rich fella what clip would you sell for that for most money robot wars because the one that could get us in the most trouble right um. But then they then control it. Yeah.

They can put it where they want then. Yeah. Yeah, so you own the digital ledger called a blockchain that certifies the digital asset

to be unique. So you own the digital certificate to something, essentially. Yeah, like you say in the receipt. Yeah.

You don't own it. You don't hide it. I can you can't you don't hide it i can't get me a drowder it's it's it's insane but it i mean there's two things validly we are knocking out sort of the sort of stuff that gets made into nfts i would like to own um jar real that jar real moment when you got annoyed because you're like wasn't that fucking bad now i see him from the office I love the office so I'd like to buy a scene from the office

right American or the UK office yeah okay I'd like to buy the scene from Two Pints Lager in a park where Gaz tries to adopt a kid

I reckon you're good for about 20 quid I think someone might sell you that pretty easily if you rang up the producers they'd be like yeah no one's bothered you can have it for

I I think it's crazy can we just make ourselves a little promise that if this podcast does incredibly well we're not sat here one day he's going lad gotta see me new nft it's fucking amazing it's shit hot i would like you could buy tracy emmons bed but i'll have to not have any access to it could i buy a bed and make it and that'd be another statement that'd be a statement yeah the world's changing anyone can anyone can get over adversity just make your bed step one why don't we just do this anyway we don't even need a bed buy tracy emmons bed in an art gallery and just use it instead of a hotel when you're in London

gigging yes yeah as long as you stay in it three times you're probably making money London hotel prices I tell you what

none of us know what we're fucking on about when it comes to NFTs but London's expensive for hotels one more question no yeah yeah but London's expensive for hotels. One more question. No. Yeah.

Yeah. Would you fuck a pig? Janet says, hi, I'm a bit tipsy. Janet. What? Janet. Janet.

From the last episode. It was from the Patreon. Patreon exclusive. Patreon exclusive this week was from the Patreon Patreon exclusive this week was very good patreon.com slash have a word pod loads of extra content coming soon as well

get the entire back catalogue get the entire back catalogue we've ever done the entire back catalogue all of them there's hundreds three lockdown lock-ins a quiz

and this month the ghost hunt ghost hunt and next month another lock-in and also there's a video it's quite hard to find this one where we caught Finnn shagging that couch yeah and that's an nft i think is that

it should just call it an editor finn fucked to what the couch you on laughing gas after you fucked your arm should be an nft yeah genuinely that could be an nft yeah because it's not public because it's behind the paywall anyway so it's not widely known yeah someone could own the URL to that and privatise and keep it it's not that funny though but hotel prices in London expensive anyway

Janet who is not a prostitute from real patreon.com patreon.com slash have a word pod do you know for sure yeah how do you know

because I know which Janet is oh okay she's a long time listener of the podcast didn't write a follower on instagram and you know she hasn't moved very recently and got into a new career well if she has moved to real to become a sex worker she's kept it off her instagram she you probably would though wouldn't you yeah they're moving to real bit more than so by that rationale everyone on instagram could be a prostitute in real. Right?

How'd you know they're not? NFT. Hotel. Finger blank. I've lost my mind. Janet says, Hi, I'm a bit tipsy at a comedy club in London. Not the hot water.

Not hot water as that was fully booked. No prizes for guessing which one. Was an okay night. Nigel was boss. What is your thoughts on him? Heard a few... London? No.

In Liverpool. Oh. I thought you said London. You did say London. What it says, Liverpool. Oh, sorry. Did you write it wrong? See you now.

Just cut that out. Yeah, you can cut that out. I'll give you a clean cut. Fuck you, Finn! I'm not cutting it out. That was the joke. I knew he wasn't cutting it out. I was doing another joke.

I didn't like your joke. You sound like Tommy Cooper when you do that. You look like Tommy Cooper. I don't think we should do this question can we just fuck this question by the way the next section with sean is one of the best yeah but we've not finished this section so it looks like listen this one's gone in the ground this one's gone in the ground it honestly looks like i've just read a question from janet just to say she might be a sex worker in real i'm a bit tipsy in a comedy club in london liverpool london and then we've not we've got to

it's going to be a great section the next one one, isn't it? It is. It was filmed in the past. It was filmed in the past. We know it's amazing. Again. Just that. Yeah. Fucking spanner. This section is done. It's cooked.

No, one more. Come on. This cut. The length of this section smells worse than Adam's fingers. It is fucking... What's the question? You've got to ask the question. No, I don't.

I'll ask the question then. All right, cool. Is it from Janet, from real? Let me just find one. I'd love to bang this off. That would be really, really not fair. Not fair, why? Because you've done all this prep?

This is Adam's prep. Would you rather fuck a pig or not fuck a pig? It's literally the made-up question that I did on the Patreon episode on Monday. It's good. It's good, the second half with Sean, isn't it? It's really good.

It's really good. The second half with Sean innit it's really good it's really good the second half with Sean is worth sitting through the last 40 minutes that he's had through 40? it's been gone 40 minutes do you think that was not good?

I just thought the last 6 minutes were a bit mental yeah oh yeah yeah so this bit with Sean we filmed 2 weeks ago when Sean was here

and he's not here now so we couldn't do it now so we did it then we have to do that because if the like Sean's an amazing comedian he was up gigging so we just took the opportunity to get him in we've recorded the first section today in that time we've had a little update of the lighting so if things look a little different as in Adam is wearing different clothes I am slightly fatter it's because the second section was recorded two weeks ago it's one of my

favourite guest sections we've ever done and that's me saying that I loved it if the lightings are slightly bit different it's just because

we've had an update of the lighting enjoy it but there's money comes first obviously because that's what we do what's happening guys

ooh look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking T-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com. You want some official haveawared merch? Go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then, instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that.

You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need go and get it halfwaypod.com does this show get in trouble how often does this show get in trouble surprisingly once over the past year and a half oh that's not too bad we've had a few whinges yeah yeah but nothing like you know we're gonna fucking end you we've had one of them yeah we've had one we'll we will end your career but um i've had one of those as well i wouldn't know what you're talking about welcome sean walsh to have a word uh you mentioned before we started there that we should get paul chow john and i asked do you know the comedy store story which we told this ages ago and the comic it's about has to take it out because we named them so we're not

going to do that but so paul challenges now for adam to tell this story without naming that comic it's going to be like and will and will everyone else that knows the comic know who you're talking about no that's not important okay no right fine so right So Chowdhury was on at the store, right? Yeah. And he's doubling and trebling with every other club in London doing 10 gigs. Right. So the compere of the comedy store for that night is talking to the open spot, who happens to be another Asian comic.

So this is before Chowdhury is going on. Little does he know, Chowdhury's at the back of the gig, right? So the compere goes, most important thing at the comedy store is your opening line. You've got to nail your opening line. To do that, you'll get them,

you'll have Don on side, you'll be in at the store. And then this open spot did his first head of shit in himself. So the compere goes to him, you should go on and say, what's happening white people?

Right? Which has been Paul Chowdhury's opener since 1973. And it's a funny fucking... What's happening, white people? And a lot of white people go... What's happening, white people? Levels the place

as one of the best open spots the store's seen in 15, 20 years. And he comes back into the green room to be like, I've nailed it. And he's just greasing with Paul Chowdery going, the fuck are you doing? That's my line. And the compere just comes and fucking snakes out the room.

Just left. Just hand grenade and fucked off. Never trust a cunt comic. Oh, you knew I... That's one of my favourite stories. How are you? I'm good. Yeah?

Nice trip. Sorry that you've got Finn's cup. That's fine. You washed it? Yeah. You washed it? It's fine. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Properly. We always wash stuff, yeah. Is this one of your first trips out of the smoke? Post, you know, Rona? Yes. Yeah. Have we? Yeah. Probably. We always watch stuff, yeah. Is this one of your first trips out of the smoke? Post, you know, Rona. Yes.

Yeah. Masks on train. Jumpers for goalposts. That was one bit. You know, and the carriage. Because I upgraded. Sure. Yeah. Hey. carriage because i i i i i upgraded yeah hey but on on the right side of the carriage it's single file and on the left side of the carriage is the table in first class and well actually it was no

what's there's a new there's a new one now which is premium there's one in between yeah there's one in between there's a business class on trains? which is like it's first class but without the trolley so you don't get the food you just get the space they might as well call that

they might as well call that scum treating themselves yes perfect first there's 189 don't worry about it it's our fucking honeymoon to London

can't go abroad you know what's really funny? You sort of checked yourself then when you told us that you'd upgraded, which is such a comic thing to do. Comics can never be seen to be living an affluent life. Like, I remember I mentioned on this thing a couple of weeks ago, and on stage, that I've got a cleaner who comes every two weeks because I'm a messy cunt,

and she comes and just makes the house not messy it takes about two weeks for me to destroy it again and then she fixes it again and I mention it on stage I just felt the whole audience go what

the fuck I know you've got to be doing alright but it is embarrassing like I but it was I mean it was

it was 25 pounds yeah you alright yeah is that alright alright I had work to do okay

we are the southerner in the north I'm not a Tory I'm not a Tory I just wanted slightly more leg room it was only 25 pounds yeah well

actually do you know what happened no I did go into no no no I went into the standard class yeah carriage and i went to sit down but they hadn't you know there's the electric signs that let you know if this the seating is

available or not yeah they weren't working so i went to sit down but then it turned out i was in someone else's seat and if you know me at all you know that i i cannot handle that this sort of awkwardness that i go into full panic mode and i just thought i can't handle this i'm gonna pay the 25 pounds and go and sit in the the premium bit so i did try which is your social anxiety not like i just had to talk to a poor person quickly take my money no no absolutely so Social anxiety, not, not had to talk to a, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Were you actually in someone else's seat? Yes. Definitely. I once, was it, I've once sat in Nicolas Cage's seat by mistake. I almost did that. Wow. So, I mean.

Is that the end of this? Are you going to, Are you going to elaborate or Well I Again I'm mentioning Hang on Was this on a train From London to Roncon

Yes Yeah yeah He's desperate to do this He's waiting outside He's just constantly on the train Was it like the Con Air scene Where I wish you'd put the bunny in the box Because that's how it feels like it is in my head.

Please let it be that. No, no, I just, I got on the plane and I thought I'm going to sit in the first class seat and I'm going to check how much it is to upgrade. And then it turned out I was sitting in Nicolas Cage's seat. So I just went and sat in my seat in Standard. Train or plane? Plane.

Plane. Plane. Right. What's happening now? Have I done something wrong again? I don't know if that's how planes work. I'm going to sit here, and then someone's going to come round and go, tickets, please.

Can I do an upgrade? I know. No, I know. I know. I just thought I would check. I'll try. I'll sit I just thought I would check. I thought I'd try. I'll sit here.

I was Nicolas Cage. I'm going to go and sit in my seat at the back. The fucking captain's going to get his machine out. Well, I'm going to fucking cuss you a little bit more then. Just sat next to the pilot. Is it all right? Is anyone sitting here? You don't mind if I... Can I upgrade to co-pilot, please?

How much is the co-pilot? Can I sit in the front? If I call a bus. How much is it to drive the plane? How much is the co-pilot? Can I sit in the front? Like on a bus. How much is it to drive the plane? How much? I'll pay whatever it takes. Where was that going to? Where were you going to with Nicolas Cage?

I was going home. I was going home from America somewhere. Right. What's the other thing? No. Was there another thing? There wasn't another thing. I keep getting confused.

I don't know, maybe it's lockdown, but I keep having thoughts, which we normally have as human beings. And then I'm mistaking thoughts with something I was going to say. So I wasn't actually going to say anything. We do that.

I was just thinking. All the time. And the time, you know, it's a worry when Adam's looking at me going, dude, these are on. I'm like, oh yeah. Yes. Shit. Yes. And the time, you know, it's a worry when Adam's looking at me going, dude, these are on. I'm like, oh, yeah.

Yes. Shit. Yeah. Yes. So what did Nicolas Cage say to you? Because if Nicolas Cage went to me, you're in my seat. I think what I'd say is, you're Nicolas Cage. Yeah.

That doesn't change anything, sir. No, I instigated the dialogue because he did the thing, you know where you look at your seat and there's someone in it, so you look at the number and you look at the ticket. And he did that and I think I'm probably in your seat. Nicholas. Sorry. He's like, it's all right. And I got up.

I go, what was I thinking? Just sat in the first car. I don't know. He who dares, he who dares. I once bumped into Princess Diana. Okay, there we go. I'm calling the bullshit bell. I don't believe you.

No, no, no, no. When I was a child. Right. Checks out. Obviously. Last week. I don't believe you. No, no, no, no. When I was a child. Right. Checks out. Obviously. Last week. I was on a plane. Just recently. I was in an airport.

Right. And all my stories are transport based, by the way. They don't take place outside train stations or transport. You're a comic. All we do is travel and talk. Yes, I suppose. I was a child and me and my brother were playing It. And I think my brother...

It. Oh, do you call it something else up there? Tick, we say, don't we? Tick. Tick. I should say Tick. Tick. Tick where I'm from.

Oh, yeah. That game has really travelled, hasn't it? In Preston, it's Tick. You go about 25 miles to Liverpool, it's Tick. And by the time you get to Brighton, it's it. You're it. Tag or tag, yeah. In Northwell.

Off-ground tick as well. But if you're off-ground, you can't be ticked. What? Off-ground tick? How does that work? You climb up a tree? Yeah. You climb up a tree, then you can come and slap me,

but it doesn't count. Or on a car. Scarecrow tick. What's that? You stand there with your legs open, and you can be released by one of the other players who's not been ticked but it doesn't count. Or on a car. Scarecrow tig. What's that? You stand there with your legs open and you can be released by one of the other players who's not been tigged. That doesn't make any sense.

A scarecrow's legs are shut. Stuck in the mud. A scarecrow's legs are shut. Can't tig your butcher. What? Can't tig your butcher. What's happening? If you can't tig your butcher,

these are official rules, West Lancashire rules. Why was the butcher playing tig with you? The butcher is the person who's just got you. You can't then get them, these are official rules, West Lancashire rules. Why was the butcher playing tick with you? The butcher is the person who's just got you. Yeah. You can't then get them back. Oh, no tick backs. Oh. So it's a no tick backs.

Yeah. Why? Mine made me sound 98. Can't take your butcher. We'd say touch black, no backs, wouldn't we or something? Touch black, no backs. Touch black, no backs.

Yeah, if you have a black T-shirt on, you get away with it. Oh, cool. I can't believe I said I bumped into Princess Diana. We're talking about Tuggy Butcher. Sorry, sorry. Sean. I bumped into the Queen of Hearts or whatever.

And you're going, Tuggy Butcher. I can't take it. I can't take it. Sorry. The Princess Lady D. Lady D. Yes. Back in the news.

So this is topical. Yeah. Yes, back in the news. So this is topical. Yeah? As if you ever need to qualify a lady in Princess Diana's story. Fucking hell, Sean. I've been waiting years to tell the story of Bumble into Princess Diana. I'm actually the guy that leaked the Bashir documents. Hasn't written new stuff in fucking months. I'm going to have to get that Princess Di story out somehow.

Here we go. Five months bumped into princess. Right, okay. It's hard to bump into a princess. Yes, you would think. But not if you're a child playing It in Gatwick Airport. And I don't know what your, this is true. And why would I make this would be?

No, I do. I do believe you, but it's just so mental. I know. And my brother just was chasing me and there weren't many, I think there were two guards. Harry and William were there and they didn't do anything. They didn't join in. No, didn't join in. And't join in and i ran into her

and it was and it was absolutely fine and everyone was sort of laughing i think she she laughed got my first laugh actually off princess that was when i knew that was when i knew this is what i have to do how old were you roughly oh it's 10 so did you know? Fucking hell That's Princess Diana When are we talking Like mid 90s? Yes

Absolutely Yeah Why what are you No I just Do you remember How she smelt? What? What's wrong with you?

That's mad that love If I was a ten year old I'd sniff Princess Diana Well Would you? No one's ever said that. I mean, your first thought. I don't know.

Let's get a whiff of this for a podcast in 20 years time. Do you remember as really tall? I remember her as wearing white. Right. What was I meant to say there? I don't know. Look, I've told, to be honest with you, I've given you All the details

I can remember Like I was 10 It was a long time ago Did you know It was Princess Diana I've told you all the people That were there Did I

No Well no There was You know it was like Sean get hit My mum calling me away Laughing You know what

What have I told you About running into Princess Diana Exactly For the last time Yeah So that yeah So that's it That's. So that's it.

That's all I, that's, that's it. That's all I remember. I'm sorry. Have you got any other celebrity stories or is it just Nicolas Cage and Princess Diana are the most unlikely couple? I once asked Andrew Garfield for a selfie and he said no.

How did he smell um he yeah he walked past on wardour street and i got my phone ready and um and i got it ready because i didn't want to hassle him and uh it wasn't it wasn't particularly busy and i went up i said sorry Andrew, I loved you in Spider-Man. It was just sort of quite soon after the release of the amazing Spider-Man. I loved you in Spider-Man, so I had to get a quick selfie, and he said, oh, no, sorry, I'm in a rush, and then just sort of slowly ambled off.

I couldn't possibly. I'm in such a hurry hurry Have you ever said no? Because I imagine you get stopped sometimes for selfies and stuff No Maybe It doesn't really count but if people go

my friend says you're famous and you don't really know what to say to that and then they don't know who you are and then can i have a selfie you go no yeah i don't even know who i am what are you talking about yeah the third in a queue for selfies who's like i don't know but there's a queue in there yeah exactly have you seen those videos where like non-famous people go to like a mall in america and they take like six people with them and they get those six people to come up to them and ask for the picture and then nobody and then the whole of them all just start asking for pictures even though no one knows does that really happen yeah like a stunt

they'll get people go oh my god can i get a picture can i get a picture and then six of them will take a picture and then there's just a queue of people who've got no idea who this is meant to be getting photos. I once was on the way home from college with some friends, and I don't remember why we decided to do this, but we decided to all run at separate times, stop at the same point, which was near a bus stop, and look up above the building across the road as if something remarkable was happening. And everyone else

started joining in and trying to look for this thing that we were all looking at that was fun i already love your mates from college yeah like this is what we do a lot of kids get pissed and try and bang girls not sean and the crew they're doing hijapes at bus stops hidden camera without the camera really well hidden camera you'd have been so good on tiktok you're just 20 years too early have you because i watched a lot of your um your videos the start of lockdown when you were doing the calls with your agents and stuff oh yeah have you been living on your own uh i did for lockdown i did for lockdown one and then the uh girlfriend can you say the girlfriend yeah you can say that yeah god i get so scared i was like

the girlfriend is that okay yeah that's okay you can't't on here, definitely. We can save that. You can save the girlfriend on here. Yeah. My girlfriend. Have you worked with Adam before? Can I save the girlfriend? Fuck it. I just get petrified. No, yes. So she moved in for number two and number three.

Yeah. So there you are. So yes, I was one on my own. Yeah. It was very nice. I enjoyed it. Did you? I loved lockdown. Really? Absolutely I was one on my own. Yeah. It was very nice. I enjoyed it. Did you? I loved lockdown.

Really? Absolutely. I had a wonderful time. Really? Did you not? Social anxiety taken away, isn't it? Social anxiety taken away. You don't really have to do anything that you don't.

Life is just full of having to go places and waiting, which is awful. That's what life is. It's just wait why i was on a train waiting to come here now i'm here we're waiting for this to end then i'll have to wait for the gig and then we'll be at the green we're waiting to go on and i'll be waiting for you to finish just waiting but in lockdown it's just it's lovely life has stopped and normally in life if you just stay at home and sit on the couch and don't do anything you get like an anxiety about not doing stuff you're like god i really should be going and doing stuff i didn't get that all right no but i mean in a lockdown you can't it was all taken away yeah precisely so in normal life you're like oh fuck

i'm being a lazy cunt but you could my sister said that her and her partner didn't argue for three months and they like have amazing bennies sometimes over nothing but like a lot of the stress that they have is we've got to get the kids ready for this and it's that time and then you take that away and we're like she was like yeah we're getting on really well because they weren't fight right like racing the clock to get the kids out to fucking judo or some shit yes i mean what what what what what i don't what i sort of don't understand is and i've not really spoken to anyone that has this view but i get the idea that like what what what was it that people were missing that they loved about their lives so much what what what were they our take no but it's not i can relate to it as well. But I don't, but I, what, like, okay.

We've got the pub. I get it. The, right, so take the pub out of the equation. Yeah. Then what, like, what's all the fuss about? Human contact. I would also take out the financial pressures. That, that, that was, that was, that's scary.

Seeing friends, human contact. What do seeing friends human contact it's just such nonsense what do you want to see your friend for if it's not at the pub oh honestly have you ever met a friend not at the pub it's just awkward what is there to talk about you make you if you meet a friend for a coffee that is not awkward for about one coffee. And then you've run out of stuff to say because you're sober. There's no point.

And slightly more touchy. Yes, absolutely. What about playing football, what do you mean? Yeah, that would, if I played football, I would miss that. Yeah. Okay, fine. Yeah. Right. I like the cinema, but I mean, it's all right. I've got some films.

Get a bigger TV. Delivered by Amazon. Fine. It's okay. I can live with that. That's all right. I mean, what now? What about the smell of fresh air on a summer's day?

Open your fucking window. Classic 29-year-old scouse lad there. What about the gentle mist of a spring morning as you're, what the fuck? That was like definitely not your life. Fucking hell, I tell you, I need to get out of this roller. I really miss the smell of a sweet-scented spring morning. Why don't you do it in the garden?

Full of fucking bin bags. That cleaning lady, the lazy old bitch, hasn't you do it in the garden? Full of fucking bin bags. That cleaning lady, the lazy old bitch, hasn't been around because of the rolling. Oh my God. What about, what about banging other,

I felt like the single people. There are loads, what? Shagging. Like going on dates. If you, if you were single. It wasn't that long,

was it no a year no we were allowed out there were bits where we were allowed out lockdown one

was basically two months and then it started easing up a bit yeah it was are you allowed to shag now

are you allowed to shag strangers now yeah what are you allowed to have sex with strangers now I've been allowed

to have sex since I was 16 thank you very much you're allowed to have sex in strangers now? I've been allowed to have sex since I was 16. Thank you very much. You're allowed to fuck other people as long as everyone doing it is from a maximum of three households. And you can't have six people in a gang bang at the minute. Yeah.

It's legal to have a gang bang right now. It's legal. As long as there's less than six people. No, it's illegal to have a proper gang bang. Yeah. Unless you're at work, so. Oh yeah. You're looking for patron content. We're doing a ghost hunt. Let's do a gang bang. If everyone's getting paid at work, so you're looking for patron content.

We're doing a ghost hunt. Let's do a gangbang. It's fine. But obviously, prostitution's illegal, so you also have to film it. Prostitution's what? Illegal.

Oh, illegal. Yes. I was like, hang on, I thought it was illegal. Oh, it is illegal. You're in run car now, kid. It's a little different.

Yeah. Can you think of anything? Because it sort of pissed me off how right he is. What did, what? Gigs. Yeah, live entertainment. different. Yeah. Can you think of anything? Because it sort of pissed me off how right he is. What did, what? Gig, yeah. Live entertainment. Music.

I mean, it was going to come back. Yeah, but you said, what did you miss? Why did you hate it? How often did you go to music gigs? Very regularly. I was going on a weekly basis. Oh, all right, fair. I mean, I don't.

Did you not miss performing? We would perform again, believed yeah i believed we would perform again so in which case no because we would again you could it's what dan said you couldn't so it didn't it wasn't due to my health or anything. I will gig again. That's coming. Not entirely sure when, but it's down the line. So let's enjoy ourselves. Cheers. Yeah.

Having a child in a mortgage freaked me out. That's what freaked me out. Because I was like, oh shit, when though? Because I didn't know we were going to get government assistance and I didn't know me and him talking to each other via Zoom every afternoon was going to start being profitable that quickly. For the first couple of weeks, I was shitting it. That stuff's scary.

That stuff's really scary. But like you said, I've noticed since gigging again, and I'd be interested in knowing your thoughts on this, but I have the, what was the word you used about the coffee? Tetchy. Yeah. I've just, I've got a gig tonight and I'm just not quite relaxed. I'm just a bit, there's a gig and I feel a bit anxious, slight despair, fear and dread of this is going to go horribly wrong. Nah.

You've been doing it, how long you been doing it? 15 years? And you've regressed to open spot level of like i think it's gonna be bad and i'm touching i always feel that's how i feel every time look this gig is lovely and if it goes badly at all it's entirely your fault if that makes you feel any better yes it does yeah i'm the opposite how wonderful. I've come back with an attitude of, I don't care what anyone in the room thinks as long as I'm having fun. Oh, I wish I had that.

But you hind for gigs. Like, I've been doing it at the point where that first lockdown hit. I started gigging in 2002, and I hadn't had more than two and a half, three weeks off for my whole career. And I enjoyed a bit of a break the fear was like holy fuck money when we're gonna get back but i was enjoying like oh my god i put

etta to bed every night and like this was the the first time i've been able to do that you were pining for a gig quicker than me and then it hit with me it took me about a month and i was like because we talked about stand-up and I started really missing it. But you were like 10 days, two weeks going, it's funny, like get back to gigging.

Maybe that has a big effect. I got woke up by the same bird tweeting. You can't call her that anymore. There you go. Like 5am when it was sunny. do you remember the sun was amazing what life should be like quiet birds singing that was my alarm and i would get up it was lovely penguin what's going on to that bird now is it like the bird got the roll out of the fridge please just whatever please just whenever you're thirsty um i don't know if i've brought the right vibe you are absolutely you have you just bring your own vibe i can't i just love the idea of the whole world having a fucking collective panic

attack and you being like good good i like the tiger king and I want to watch it all twice. Brilliant. Yeah, good. That's a great coping mechanism. When it all booted off again in November, New Year, I said to myself, I'm not going to get flapped this time. I'm just going to, that's what, the thing I wish I'd done is what you've done. When it kicked off and it was bad, go, this is temporary. I got wound up that it was just the foundations

have been pulled out from under me. I wish I could go back and go, you're going to be all right. It's going to be fine. But that's easy, isn't it, with hindsight? In January, it was a bit more chilled out. Yeah, I think it did help for me that it was a lot worse than I thought it was going to be. Do you know what I mean?

I thought it was good. When like, Europe was locked down and we were like, are we going kept saying to you we're not gonna and if we do be four days and then be fine and then it wasn't and i think that was the problem for me right i mean yes i'm a i was hopelessly optimistic very naively and then when it was shite i was like oh this is shite that's gone now isn't it that optimism from adam or the i mean i don't mean from the globe definitely i mean definitely from you yeah i just like when in the lockdown three points i would definitely want yeah it just pissed me off having this was amazing what did you do did you do anything did you do some right what have you did you just have a little like break

from it and now you're back or, because we threw ourselves into this. This was our little fucking. It's amazing. No, I wrote a lot. I did nothing for lockdown one and then lockdown three. Yeah, I wrote a lot. I wrote a sitcom.

You think you wrote a sitcom? It's been a year, hasn't it? So yeah, I wrote a sitcom in episode in episode one in lockdown oh god is it a sitcom for you are you gonna in your head are you the lead yes in my head i'm the lead yeah yeah yeah it's not gonna get made or anything but it's i wrote i wrote it it was nice to see I like I still am a very optimistic person and if I'm writing a sitcom

in my head it's already been commissioned do you know what I mean but that's how this happens isn't it that's how that's what's it called

what's it called when you you see you envision something yeah visualise yeah manifestation

manifestation and it happens I don't i don't have that i just go it's it's it's not gonna happen there's no way i just don't know how you can have the commitment to raise an entire sitcom while constantly thinking no one's gonna make this i would what's the sentence three if i thought there was any possibility that it wasn't going to get made. Because you can't let the idea that it's not going to get made stop you from doing the thing that you love. Yeah. Which is making things.

So I've done the hard bit. I've written it. I can't do anything about getting it made. I can't. Can't we make it? We could produce it. Could you produce the sitcom oh adam in his mind can do anything he bloody well wants it's i play a sort of uh alcoholic dysfunctional uh

therapist who's who's um completely in actually he's quite a good therapist but it's his own personal life that drips into his work and makes his work life and his personal life extremely chaotic imagine if we made it and then offered it to Alfie Brown how much of a fucking kicker that would be

Sean we've really got someone else in mind for this we've already got a couch there we go yes perfect there we go you've got one of the props how to win over

a script writer we've already got a couch we're halfway there don't want to waste money on fucking props got three cameras we've got a second studio I don't have a good to go

oh god and you did a podcast with Paul McCaffrey oh I did a podcast with Paul McCaffrey oh I did a podcast with Paul has Paul been on this year oh no not yet

what a man what a beautiful man Paul McCaffrey just had a baby has he yes at his age yes

he has hi Paul I love being a cunt he's one of my favourite people in comedy yes wonderful he's up in a favourite people in comedy yes wonderful he's up for a couple of weeks to do Hot Water Comedy Club

with me and with you yes that will be fun where are you? I don't know I'm doing less gigs than I used to but probably just gigging I didn't know whether I was I'm going to say this

and I didn't know whether I was going to I was like should I say this? would it be awkward? but it's like it's no disrespect to you because remember I'm in the room as well yeah so i but you're one of the best comedians i've ever seen live yeah yeah you don't mind if i no no you're fantastic yeah but when i start when i was new when i saw you remember i

always tell you about this when you you opened comedian in. In Brighton. In Brighton. And absolutely annihilated it. I just, I couldn't believe what I was watching. I was sat stage right, and it was like, what the fuck is... It was just, it didn't stop. It was just relentless. And that was the gig where Reg was closing. Do you remember this?

I told you about this? Yeah. Reginald T. Were you on this? I told you about this? Yeah. Reginald T. Were you on in the middle? No, I was just there to watch. Okay. And Reginald, I don't even know if I'd started. I might have started actually, but I was there to watch.

And Reg was closing and he's doing his set. And this girl was absolutely paralytic in the front row. And all you could hear in between the silences was her going, Please, please fuck me. Please, please, please. And it was making his gig really, I mean, the crowd, we're really laughing at it, but obviously it's making his job quite difficult.

And he's trying to carry on, he's trying to persist through this set. Was she laughing at Reginald D Hunter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasn't someone else entertaining him. Listen, listen, listen, listen, it was Reginald D Hunter, he's trying to go through the set,

and this really happens. And suddenly, it's sort of forgotten about her, and you just see her legs. Her legs. Into above everyone's head. She just had reds and then these legs like that. I remember. Fuck me.

And do you want the absolute topper for this story? I know what the topper is. He did. Nope. That was Lou the topper is. He did. Nope. That was Lou Conran. No. Fuck off. I got her a free ticket because we were mates.

No! Right? She'd moved back to Brighton because her parents are from Sussex. Right. Right? And she was like, yeah, I'll come down. She got steaming with a mate. They stupidly put a fucking, at the time,

amateur comedian on the front row. She got pie-eyed, started doing all that. And I never admitted to Reg that I knew her. Absolutely not. Lou Conran, ladies and gents, pulled her legs up in the air and went, go on, Reg! It was absolutely shit.

It was unbelievable. And I was fucking mortified. I was like, I'm just not seeing a fucking thing. Oh my day, I remember it so well. Did you know it was Lou Conrad? I knew that, I don't know who that is, I don't think, but I knew that Dan knew her. Yeah.

So Lou Conrad, you know, she's a brilliant comic. I do, sorry. Yeah, you probably work with her or whatever. Yes. Yeah, she is. She's been on the couch, like, doing really well. But, whoa, that was an early moment. Fucking brilliant. Well, thank you very much, mate appreciate that you've said that it's funny isn't it when you when you're starting out because to to like when

you're starting out and you're new it's like you're a sponge and it's you you just soak up everything and yeah those first comics that you see that for whatever reason just stick in your mind it's after like five years that happens less and less totally when you're new you're like what no i saw you again we did some weird festival there's hardly anyone there i did you remember it was like a few years ago. Andrew Bird was there. And again, you know, it's not just nostalgia. You know, I've seen you in the last few years and it's just relentless. It's amazing to watch.

We've both watched this a few times. So I started 2010. Okay, I'm seven. Yeah. So he was already eight years into doing it. Oh, wow. And in the Northwest, in Manchester and Chester and Preston and Liverpool, you're watching him compare in particular.

It was Dan Nightingale and Friends, even on like a weekend bill full of headliners. Because it's just, yeah. Do you know what I also made a point of? And I think that's a great change in stand-up now is the turning over your stuff as well. Like it's one thing being a murderer and smashing, smashing and having stuff that is like, yeah, this is smashed.

And the crowd are like, whoa. And the staff are like, if I have to hear this one more fucking time. The other thing that when I watch a comic and I'm like, fucking, that's quality the the other layer is and i haven't heard any of that shit yeah yeah yeah that's when you're like this is quality i remember talking to danny mack about that i was like you're smashing it smashing it and that's the main thing in it and turning over materials important but he was like killing is easy was his yeah his little oh phrase once you learn

how to kill it's easy it's easy to go on and just do what you did last time you made it because it will work again of course yes but if you you've got to find a way to make it a better and be harder for yourself and more reward without it going without it dying on the vine because that's the other thing a great set can go stale can't it i think for me i get bored of doing stuff where are you with that where's your do you need to turn it over oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm doing i've never seen you do the same set twice ever uh well i i know i'm i don't think i suffer from you know not writing or anything like that. But I, you know, even coming out of lockdown, did Comedia. I did a few gigs before I did the weekend at Comedia with Steve and Grant and Zoe Lyons.

And, you know, they were amazing. But I'd done a few gigs and I'd realised the stuff that I thought was, the stuff that was working on Zoom, you know, I'd been warned in the in the first few gigs back that not all of that's gonna fly yeah and and so when i went to comedian i did two halves 10 of some of the you know 10 of new brand new and then 10 of stuff that was said before and i just i don't get a i don't get about you know the rush yeah i don't get a, I don't get a, you know, the rush. Yeah. I don't get the rush. I just come off and it doesn't even matter how that first 10 went.

I'm angry at myself that I was doing the, you know, the final 10 was already, I was saying that before lockdown. Did you do loads of Zoom gigs? No, but I did. The indication from Zoom would have been that this is all, I felt like I was coming out of lockdown with, I did two work in progress. Like I did two hours. Yeah. zoom would have been that this is all i felt like i was coming out of lockdown with i did i did a two work in progress like i did two hours yeah and it seemed to all work and i was like i've

basically written a new show do the first gig back i haven't written a new show i very much haven't written a new show what is that what what was that with the zoom stuff like i did i i'm doing the same thing now i've got some new stuff that we tried last week at hot water and tonight i've got 20 25 minutes in leeds and i'm pulling out stuff from before the lockdowns not even the best stuff just the stuff that i'm not bored of yeah yes sort of stayed fresh in the notebook or whatever. Yes. And I've tried to do some Zoom gigs to sort of tune up, and it's just the weirdest feeling going, fuck, that just sort of died on Zoom.

And that definitely worked before. That's worked in front of a live audience. Why is it dying on Zoom? And then the new idea you had fucking 20 minutes ago is like, ha, ha, ha, ha, you've got Beryl and fucking steve on the couch pissing themselves because it's just a totally totally totally different thing and it's the reason i so our listeners are bored of me saying this i didn't do many i did a couple of

corporate ones and that was it i was like the club gig ones i'm just not doing them don't like the idea of it i don't think it's the same thing as stand-up it's not the same as being in front of yeah you're right it's just not the same it's something different like if it came around oh at a different time when i was still doing live stand-up i might have been more inclined to go oh this is a new thing i'll give that a try the same way i have with podcasting because this isn't stand-up comedy it's something else but the fact it was pretending to be a replacement for stand-up is what made me not want to do it and i think a lot of people have gone oh no it's just doing stand-up but to a computer and this will all be exactly the same on stage and it's not and it's not necessarily that being on stage you have to be better or being on zoom you have to be better it's just

different and there'll be stuff that works on zoom that doesn't work live and there'll be stuff that works live that doesn't work on zoom because it's it's badminton and tennis to use my old analogy again i watched i watched dane open a uh the covid arms and dane's a quality comic the what the covid arms the the one that kiri ran the covid arms she ran she made a fake online pub oh right okay right i'm sorry i thought this was a real pub okay yeah right right okay so yeah right yeah next door to the aids restaurant yes okay i love it how that's completely i love it how you've never heard of a covid i was like what yeah yeah yeah no sorry sorry right yeah okay so there was an online gig at the covid i was like what yeah yeah yeah no sorry sorry right yeah okay there was an online gig at the covid i see and he started doing club stuff funny club stuff and i was watching it and at the time i was sat in my little fucking spare room and you can see people in their front

room and that started at 7 p.m and he's doing stuff that is weekend comedy club, little bit edgy, little bit of a something about vaginas. And you could see people going, oh, yeah. Cause they just put the kids to bed and they're in their living room. Yeah. So of course there is a, it's gotta be different because what we,

we always say this about corporates. I don't mind corporates. If the company come to the comedy club, as soon as it's an away day and you're the Marriott or at the, be different because what we we always say this about corporates i don't mind corporates if the company come to the comedy club as soon as it's an away day and you're the marrier or at god forbid at their place of work when punters come to a comedy club they step onto our turf and it changes the atmosphere like oh we're we're in your house when you're doing your bits in their living room you haven't gone to see them yeah that that zoom thing is the problem with it is people are on a laptop in their fucking dining room going

wow that's a bit much yes you get away with way more the same thing and it was never going to be and i'm i'm sort of obviously having this has given me the sort of privilege to do it but i'm so glad I stuck to me guns I went I'm not doing them unless you're gonna pay me then for the month any difference coming out of it you like are you doing Edinburgh again what's what where you at what about ah uh there's gigs doing a lot oh I know I came out with uh a mentality because of the the terrifying notion that you know the the financial thing that was put in front of us I thought I'm gonna I've taken my situation for granted and I'm gonna

I'm gonna work harder than I've ever worked which I never really done before so I'm doing more gigs than I ever have done really I've kicked pretty much every night since this is yeah since we've reopened so i've i have come out with a sort of new mentality which is just keep and where's your where's your living room gig where's your home home like because adam's hot water yeah sort of the frog i was at the frog i'd say top secret i have like i don't know if you have this it's such a privilege of like popping rights yeah i feel feel like Louis CK just like walking in. I sort of get that at Top Secret because I don't live in London.

Yeah. So I'm not famous. There's a small profile there, I suppose. But Mark has always been so good to me. Whereas if I'm at another club in London, if I text him a few months in advance, he'll just put the weekend in and I'll get the fees and whatever.

But if I'm walking past the club and I just go can i just he'll go yeah yeah it's wonderful i've never seen you there i've never done it oh my god you'd absolutely oh dear for me there's something to look forward to yeah yeah you should do it yeah top secret pot a lot i could just like you said rock up and uh and try anything and it's brilliant yeah it's home it's the story with top secret it's only been around what it's not been around all. And it's brilliant. Yeah, it's home. What's the story with Top Secret? It's only been around, what? It's not been around all that long. It's been around for a decade.

Right? Because they started in the Africa Centre, which was around the corner in Common Garden. And when he was in the Africa Centre, he was told he had to book a certain amount of black comics. Oh! Do you remember this? Now that makes sense.

What did you think? of black comics oh do you remember this now that makes sense yeah that was and then when is this an urban night but when he when he moved like there was there was uh at one point there was a a bit of an argument between a lot of comics who were black and Mark because he wasn't booking as many when he moved to the new venue. And they were like, we've helped you build the club. You've still got to give us just as many gigs just because that restriction's been taken away. And he's quite fair, Mark.

He books everyone as long as you made the gig. He's as fair a comic booker as there is anywhere in the country. He's fucking brilliant. But it starts with it. What are you smirking at? Just imagine if there was an Africa Centre in Manchester and there was a gig there and they were like, you've got to book loads of black comedians.

There is like two up here. So you're going to see a lot of them. You can do it in London. And then they moved to the club they're in now. And he's just built it. Like he's just mental, isn't he? He does the bar. He does the door.

He compers. He hosts it. He does everything. And the gig is just like, you book it in and he's like I'll pay you whatever I can pay you

the fee will be whatever I say it is do the fucking gig where do you want to go on where do you want to go on what's the running order you booked this that's very

that's that's so much more New York yes it feels like out of London it's very like the opener is this person the middle act is this person it's all like The opener is this person

The middle act is this person It's all booked seven months in advance Our top secret you can also be Through people like Sean And when there's a big American acting as well If you're closing You're meant to do 20 minutes Sometimes he'll be like

Eight, just do eight Because TJ Miller's coming down And he's going to do something at the end Yeah And you can be closing that gig after, like, it could be Jack White's all open, Paul Chowdhury in the middle, Sean pops in and does 10,

and then Johnny Club comic at the end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 20 minutes, and it's, yeah, it's, I love it. I had to follow Jeff Ross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he popped in. That's pretty cool. I got flashed on 10 minutes once

because Jeff Ross had turned up. Wow. So I didn't get told before I went on, and I'm 10 minutes in, and I know I'm on 10 minutes once because Jeff Ross had turned up. So I didn't get told before I went on. And I'm 10 minutes in and I know I'm about 10 minutes in and the light starts going and I went, no, and carried on. And then the light come again

and I'm on stage in the mic. I went, Mark, are you asking me to come off? I've done 10 minutes. And he went, yeah, someone's here. And I went, okay. Have you ever been bumped? You imagine, because I was at the store. Imagine if that was for just an act that you're been bumped? Because that happens at the store. Imagine if that was for just an act that you're like,

Sean Percival's turned up. When it's Jeff Ross, you're like, all right, fair enough. But because at the comedy store in London, that would happen, wouldn't it? They bump the open spot. Yeah, they can do, yeah. If like, you know, McIntyre or jack d or someone turn up they bump it's a very un-british thing but i think it's if if you're in london and i suppose maybe

manchester liverpool you could have it happen comics who are like i was bought for this time it should just be more like i don't give a shit mate like jason manford bought part of a comedy club in chester that's such a shame that it didn't last. Yeah, that was great. Jason, will you come down and do a bit? It'd be great if you came down. The whole bill happened. It was Jason was famous.

No one else was. Like he was going on and he wouldn't go in before anyone. He wouldn't bump anyone. The whole bill happened till 11 p.m. And then he went on and he wouldn't bump anyone the whole bill happened till 11 p.m and then he went on and he owned 20 of the fucking building but still didn't want to bump anyone because he didn't want anyone going oh man for throwing his fucking weight around in it oh brilliant oh so he did it's the sound way to do it though isn't it that's very nice it is sound but

it was it was an inefficient way of doing it because it was 11.50 and he was still on. And his brother Colin was like, fuck's sake, what's going on? It's his club, mate. I'm not going chasing. Could you get off? That's right. You own this fucker. But I don't think I've ever been,

I've told the story on here before. Sarah Silverman did The Boat and she went on maybe before the headliner or after the middle act and just did 10, 15 of new and it wasn't great. I think she thought I could just do some new stuff. And it was the boat and it was Saturday night and it was all everyone just trying to bang it out of the park. And she was virtually on a notebook. So that was one of those weird things where the New York mentality of like, I'll go and do a spot just meets the UK mentality of Saturday night night is when you pay the mortgage you book it

in nine months in advance you turn up and you poof yes but if i owned a club i'd definitely do it how top secret do it and be like yeah of course you're being maneuvered yes jeff ross in yeah yeah nate what did you think if you walk down the stairs of top secret there's a photograph of every famous comic who's ever played there on So cool. It's fucking great. Yeah. Like it's. That's the stuff you dream about when you start. Yeah.

Or is it just me? Being on the wall. Being on the wall. Yeah. Being on the wall. Yeah. Come on. I'm on the wall.

Yeah. I've done it. Yeah. I asked to go on the wall in New Zealand and they were like, yeah, maybe. That's not the same. No. Can I go on the wall? I know. It's so. It's I'm's not the same can I go on the wall I know

there's I'm on the wall and can I go on the wall I was literally looking at the wall what's the fuck the classic in Auckland yeah I was like drunk

looking at this wall going this is literally the biggest wall it wasn't even like an exclusive like you know the comedy store in Manchester

there's Robin Williams and Alexei Salya well I'm not getting on that fucking wall but then at Auckland it was like every comic that had ever bothered

to just drop in and do five was on the wall I was like can I go on the fucking wall our top secret as well it's really funny because there's

there's about 30-40 photos on the wall and 25-35 of them are super famous and there's five people

who probably have to go on the wall Trevor Noah Amy Schumer Chris Rock this guy he's on the wall at hot water

yeah Carl's on the wall at hot water that's pretty cool because he was the show manager got his mate to use the camera to take a picture of him hung it on the wall

and then left it's still there it's still there I'm not I'm genuinely a picture of him, hung it on the wall and then left. It's still there. It's still there. I'm not. I'm genuinely a man of my own. It's bloody Auckland all over again. I thought you were going to say a name and you bottled it. Well, we don't slap comics off. No, I know. Not to their face.

I've started doing it. I don't know when it happened. I think it happened about two, maybe three months ago when the Patreon got so... I was like, oh, I'm going to start being a dick to the people I don't know when it happened. I think it happened about two, maybe three months ago when the Patreon got so... I was like, oh, I'm going to start being a dick to the people I don't like. It's made me enjoy doing this podcast way more. Name that bellend! Did you, talking about Jeff Ross,

did you see him and Attell do the bumping mics thing on Netflix? Yeah, a little bit, yes. Are you going to ask me what I thought? Because I don't remember it. I don't remember much. Yeah? That's it. Full stop. I don't remember much. It's a problem.

Am I wrong? Phenomenal. You'd be great at a government inquiry. I'm sorry, i do not recall yeah i just don't i don't know what uh i don't i don't really have a memory nothing really sticks there's a friend of mine who i went to school with who can't remember anything at all until it's triggered so if he can't start any conversation about when we were in school he can't go oh do you remember that time mark pulled the teacher's pants down and pushed him over in the hallway but if i go remember the

time mark pull he'll go put his pants down and push him over in the hallway if you trigger it he's i'm similar to that i think it's an efficiency thing you know i think it's just using your brain for what you need it to do you like filter all this shit out yes i also get very generous way to think of it though in it not really no because it's still there you're told yes i also get very generous way to think of it though in it not really no because it's still there you're just not using the fucking the main i also think i don't enjoy much and enjoying things helps you remember you know you go i enjoyed that i remember it right because i don't enjoy much it means that i just don't remember because i wasn't really enjoying it i was just there because I had to be.

So the real test to find out if this is a good show is ask me in a month's time go, do you remember anything from the podcast? And I'm sure I will. I often don't remember things from the podcast, but I do enjoy it. We'll get to the end of it and Carl will go, what were the clips you want for social media this week? And I'll be like,

you're going to have to watch the whole thing again. Five minutes after we've stopped. I can't get excited. I actually think seriously, it's some sort of dopamine problem. I don't get excited, but I don't have the emotion excitement. I don't have it.

I have happy that this is happening now. It's happening. I'm happy. Yeah. But I don't have it i i have happy that this is happening now it's happening i'm happy yeah but i don't have happy it's going to happen i can't holidays the whole thing is torture until you're at the holiday it's that i've i'm in the hotel room i've put the case down okay i can have fun otherwise i was just a horror I was sat on a plane. That was, what an awful, awful experience. Have an argument with Nicolas Cage. Have an argument with Nicolas Cage. Airports, queuing, have to take off your belt,

have to eat in a restaurant you probably don't really want to. You're surrounded by loads of people you don't know, probably don't like. Then you're sat on a plane, bump into Princess Diana. You're not sat in first class, which means, let's face it, you're basically uncomfortable. You're sat in a chair for, well, anything over an hour is bad. Everyone's eggy.

Everyone's eggy. Well, so far, this holiday has been horrific. This has been absolutely horrific. So why the hell would I look forward to this? Right? And then you get to the airport. Well, now I'm just in an airport in another country. The airport in my country I preferred

because it was nearer to my house. Now I'm in another airport, which is in another country. This couldn't get any worse. And they smell weird. And I've got to find a taxi, right? Now I can't speak the language. This is awkward. I feel awkward about not learning the language.

Now they're having to speak my language. I feel incompet feel awkward about not learning the language now they're having to speak my language i feel incompetent i get in the car i don't know how far away we are from the hotel is he gonna screw me with them this is just horrendous like make this stop get to the hotel q no q now we're in a queue oh god when God. When is this person going to hurry up? Had to talk to the person. Sorry, I can't speak your language again. I'm sorry about that. Yeah, it's just because my country only invaded a few of the countries. Why didn't they just do the whole planet?

Would have been a lot easier for now. No offense. Not like now, but if they had done it ages ago, then I would have to feel guilty about it, and you'd speak English, and it would be fine. Here's your key card. Okay. You have to get a lift.

I don't want to be in a lift who wants to be in a lift that's not enjoyable either now i've got to my floor okay swipe card it's working we're in let's enjoy ourselves that awful feeling like oh my god i have to do all that again in six days. Are you just the whole of the holiday? I can't believe I've got that coming up. It's already Thursday. Exactly.

But yeah, so I don't have excitement, which is annoying. Wow. There you go. That was... I love it yeah and and i enjoyed watching that unfold can't wait to make a sitcom with him yeah yeah that's gonna be fun isn't it oh fuck off should we have a break and we'll hear from one of the cunts who gives us money yep what's happening guys it's adam here and i'm here to tell you yet again that this podcast have a word is supported and brought

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that's w-o-r-d you'll get 20 off and you'll get free worldwide shipping and they'll stay dead happy with us because we're sending them a few customers they'll keep sponsoring the podcast and we can keep bringing you this top level bullshit for free go do it now and then come back go ahead shave your balls and stop them stinking welcome back everybody part four question question tom t says if your team just magic magically stopped existing and you wanted to pick a new team who would you pick and why?

You're a QPR fan aren't you? Yes Why? Why? Because my dad moved over when we were like

top of the league with Bowles and Marsh and Jerry Francis so Liverpool actually beat us to the beat us to the league that year

but that was our best team. So he moved over to Shepherds Bush to support QPR. So then he started bringing me to the games in London. And so the reason I live in Shepherds Bush is so I can walk to the games. Oh, really? I can't imagine. That question sickens me.

I don't want to imagine. I can't. I'm not answering. I'm not. I would never. See, I don't i can't i'm not i'm not answering i'm not i'm not i wouldn't i would never see i don't even like football i don't like football i love qpr i don't even understand why people watch other football matches like i don't give a shit about any of these men any of these places these fans nothing i support my team i'm qp i'm qpr i'm not football i'm qpr i'm not football god i wish for you that qpr weren't as shit as they are because you have you have the commitment

of a liverpool fan who's had a lot of payoff for that level of love yeah i am qpr you caught me I bleed blue and white what have you on well we got promotion in 2011 fucking hell I am so could you answer that I am so close to that latitude in that I can't

really fathom it however the answer disgustingly is Everton if Liverpool stopped existing I would support

the other Liverpool team I suppose oh I am fascinated by that I try to imagine where you... I thought you'd go... I just thought you'd do the toys out of the park and go, no, Liverpool are nothing.

Just like... Yes, yes, yes. But maybe I don't understand the Liverpool-Leverton rivalry. Because Joe and they were about to win the league last year. I'm an Everton fan by the way so I fucking hate them okay

everyone makes it a Scouse thing so I'm automatically defending them in a weird way because I can't have them Scouse

Yeah like Man United and Chelsea fans are like those fucking horrible Scouse bin dip and rat cunts and he's in

there I'm a Scouser so I'm like he's in there attitude towards Liverpool Do you hate Man United

more than you hate Liverpool yeah oh yeah you've got actually sorry I'm a Scouser. He's in there. Attitude towards Liverpool. Do you hate Man United more than you hate Liverpool? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You've got... Actually, sorry, going to go back. I support whoever's playing United.

Really? Whoever's playing United. We went to pub to watch the final today and celebrated as if we'd won. That was wonderful. What if Fulham are playing United? Yeah. Oh.

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, United. I love the grounds in West London that are playing United? Yeah. Oh. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, United. I love the grounds in West London. They're absolutely jammed in. It's like Craven Cottage and Loftus Road. They're like, I've got to get a stadium in here. But the house prices, I know.

We need at least 16,000 people. But we could have eight houses. Never mind that. It's so funny. Do you know who Dan supports? I'm a Watford fan. What? Foot?

Hey. Jaro. Could that go in one of the clips? Yeah, yeah. That's how you build a podcast. Give him jokes. This is, that question for me

Is It's hard to answer But because I see myself as a scouter Before I see myself As anything else I The answer is

As annoying As an answer That is It's a surprise For you Because you don't like football But you love QPR And you've lived near it

Your whole life So that you can go to the game Yeah It becomes No I'm not doing anything else. Different for you, isn't it? Watford. Yeah, I picked Watford

because I got into football late and I like being different. You picked them? Yeah, me and my mate Fraser, everyone was like a United, a Liverpool, a Preston or a Blackburn fan, like early 90s. And we wanted to be little weirdos

and be different. So we did a FA Cup draw of the teams we were going to support. I thought his dad was a Wofford fan. And basically,

he cheated Watford the way through. I think officially, it should have been Plymouth Argyle that we picked. But he was like, yeah, but my dad's

from Watford, so he'll take us to games. And I was like, alright, everyone's going to think we're different. And then, I think his dad took us from about the 92, 93 season

over the next three or four seasons, took us to about 20 games. And we were always in the away end. And we went to Vicarage Road maybe three or four times. But we went to four or five times as many away games. And it just stuck. It just really stuck. I like that. And what's great is you meet other football fans no one's

ever gone oh of course you support watford because like you know we won the 97 98 division two championship but like nothing else can you answer the question i part of me would go well then i would have liked to support a team that won more because I've been with mates I was at my mate's flat when you beat Tottenham in the Champions League yeah and it was just insane watching because I've obviously I follow the New Orleans Saints and have done for a while but they've never been in a Super Bowl watching those lads watch the Champions League I was like I will never have this because like when we beat Wolves in the semi-final of the FA Cup, I got really excited.

But I didn't get as excited as my mate Tony and my mate Rummy got watching Liverpool beat Tottenham. It's just a fucking bigger thing. It was, I don't know. And I was with you when, you came with me, didn't you? When Wofford played Man City in the FA Cup final. I was like, oh, we're doing hot water. It was just sad.

Watford are in the FA Cup final. It was just really sad for two and a half hours. Me, you and your... I should have worn a Watford top. But I think a few people around us, like all Liverpool fans, worked out that I was like... There was no Man City fans. I think a few people worked out like all Liverpool fans worked out that I was like there was no Man City fans I think a few people worked out that

I was a Watford fan and there was just a few looks of like fucking hell because it was 6-0 and it just took pride of like

bloody hell the Watford fans they keep fucking waving them flags so I don't know maybe maybe someone else a little bit easier

to watch maybe, but I like supporting a smaller team. It was, you can become a Liverpool fan if you want. I'll take you to some games. I had a chance,

didn't I? I went to, I went to Liverpool a few times to like watch McManaman, that team playing like 95, 96, just didn't stick. It wasn't the same

as supporting almost like a joke team. Yeah. Imagine this, QPR, playoff final right against Derby 0-0

90th minute injury time winner Zamora 1-0 we're off to the Premier League I had to leave at half time. Was that 2010

2011 when was that? Oh God I should know. In and around there? Yeah. Where did you have to go? Shrewsbury. For a gig.

For a gig. For a gig. It's so much funnier. Did you want to take it? You were at the game. I was at Wembley. And we have literally referenced Shrewsbury as a boring place more than one but just recently we're like where's the worst place to do a stag do shrewsbury on a tuesday and you had to leave

the playoff final i walked oh Way, walking away, crying. That is so unbelievably heartbreaking. Zamora scores. You've deprived... I'm nearly crying. Every time I tell this, I nearly start crying. You've deprived yourself of possibly the greatest moment of your life? Without a doubt. There is no question.

That would have been the greatest moment of my life. Oh, my God. Yeah. With my brother, with my God. Yeah. Unbelievable. With my brother, with my dad. No, me on a train to Shrewsbury. Find out we score the winner. Can't celebrate.

I'm on the silent coach. God. Is that? Honestly. Can you see why I don't get excited? You can cry quietly though that's the good thing do you remember after 9-11 right oh god where where is this going do you know when you've seen that video of the man jumping and it was just really sad yeah that story has just made me sadder than the first time i've seen the fallen man from the twin towers i'm not i'm not i'm too scared to react so scared of twitter i can't be seen to to react to that that's the first time we've mentioned the name of that newspaper oh my god podcast well uh if it helps

i'm not a fan this episode might go down as people's favourites for a lot of reasons, but it just scored another couple of points. Yes, I'm sorry. Should I have not said that word? That's sinful. They're just scumbags, aren't they? I'll bleep it. Yes, that's a good idea.

Do bleep it. Do bleep it. I don't want anything to do with them, good idea do bleep it we have done it before i don't want them i don't want anything to do with them so i'll bleep it what let's call them battle of horrible racist misogynistic sexist gobshite cunts and i hope they're all having horrible lives every journalist has ever worked there stepped in there i hope they come home and they find their entire family being bummed by apes and the apes are really enjoying it yeah it's really tricky to pick a question

is there some Patron in there? what? is there some Patron in there? What? Is there some Patron? You two should host Good Morning Britain That would plan out I have to change it to Good Afternoon Cunts That wouldn't even last as long as Manfred doing the one show

Alright, Jase That wouldn't even last as long as Manfred doing the one show. All right, Jason. I had to wait for 50 minutes while you headlined that. I'm not messing. You had to wait while he headlined the laugh in? I actually wanted to wait. It was great. It was really good fun.

I was going to say, if you're doing that, you've got to offer to wrap the show up haven't you one of my one of my favourite yeah he would have done it but I I was totally

like one of my favourite things is watching brilliant bigger acts in clubs I think it's fucking great fun yeah yeah

being in a we've talked about watching Kevin Hart in an arena what a disaster and being in those big thousand seaters is fine watching a comic Being in a... We've talked about watching Kevin Hart in an arena. What a disaster. And being in those big thousand seaters is fine. Watching a comic that is regularly on TV,

like you're not like... I'm sure you do bigger venues and I've supported you doing a massive venue. I'd much rather watch you at Top Secret or you at Hot Water. It's fucking electric. Watching Manford in front of 190 people on a Saturday night in chester was banging i just love comedy clubs more than anything else in the world like whenever i've

spoke to talk most of the night right so in birmingham we're gonna do the art center like no we're not let's do the glee club because it's a comedy club and people are going for comedy not for art do you know i mean like i want people everyone who's been in that room ever before to have gone we're here for comedy not the place where they saw jack and the beanstalk last year or a one woman play about like i just don't want any of that i want them to go one man play yeah or one them play i'm really good i'mted that Adam didn't do the end of that one woman play about and my ears went

I say what oh here's another thing now going to be clipped I say what Jesus right Indie Clone sent in a question

he says hi Lids if you could run a pub anywhere in the world where would it be and what would you call it mine would be the Pug and Pauper

and I'd have it in Sheffield that's from Indie Clone oh by the way I won't by the way before we talk about the pub Indie Clone sent us a you can send anything

but Indie Clone sent us a little package don't know what it is yet I haven't opened it don't know what it is yet but if you do want to send something in by the way

the PO box is have a word studio run corn the Heath business park WA7 4QX just put that on the screen so we get to send some more stuff I like it when we get to send stuff

but if it's a kilogram of cocaine probably don't use Royal Mail I I really like we haven't opened this yet we're going to open it on Patreon next week aren't we I really hope

that it's actually cocaine well I'm gonna say this I think I hope more than you you know cause you don't do drugs and I love a bit of beak

oh that'll be a fun fortnight of not sleeping like guys where you going let's do more podcasts I really hope it's cocaine Oh, that'll be a fun fortnight of not sleeping. Like, guys, where are you going? Let's do more podcasts. Woo! I really hope it's cocaine.

I just really hope that someone has sent us this much cocaine in the post. Like a postman had this in his bag. How much would that be? How much would this be? Street wear. You're looking. As they say, street wear. Bare minimum, 80, 90 quid.

Yeah. You really know drugs, don't you? That's London places. I said bare minimum. Bare minimum. Are you saying it's less? Because if it's not less, then I'm right. Well, what's street value?

It's 50,000. 50,000, isn't it? 50 quid a gram, 1,000 grams. Am I right? That's pretty simple a kilogram is it yeah it is isn't it do you reckon

yeah or 50 gram street value depends how good it is let's find out let's find out the quality are we going to sell it that's street value though

isn't it you do get a cheaper buying it in bulk thanks for that Costco no but it is and it's like buying bottles of water from Costco. Yeah, but when they say street value,

they don't mean like, if you've got like a Groupon voucher, they just do what it's worth per gram. They're not like, street value, unless you know the bloke and he gives you a few quid off. No, but if you cut this up into a thousand bags,

you get 50 quid a bag, but you don't get 50 grand for this, do you? This is more like 25, 30, surely. Yeah, you're spot on. into a thousand bags you get 50 quid a bag but you don't get 50 grand for this do you this is more like 25 30 surely yeah you're spot on yeah yeah you're right yeah you're right because you're saving the admin you're saving the effort of cutting it up he is right you're saving on the man hours yeah why are you explaining the most simple thing about drugs ever like no but it's more individually sold individually i'm right i'm right and just to check it's illegal it's not allowed in this country by law and people inhale it not through the mouth or bum all that right

no you can and it makes you feel good you would get high if you rubbed this on your bum oh you would wouldn't you if you fingered yourself with this on your finger you'd get a you get a bit of a buzz listen sean didn't do one didn't want to do 9-11 we're just gonna have a quick break and everyone's going to come back stood up. That fifth section was good. Take me to higher ground. Oh, God. You see, actually, the human race, actually, the human race itself

is like a cancer. It's like a disease that's trying to kill the earth. That's what I've always been trying to say. That's what I'm saying. You know what I mean? But it's good to be here. I just want to say i love you guys i've always wanted to wear a cap back which is why i do that now oh god good here isn't it i love it here

rump corn freaking brilliant oh no it's good it's a good place uh have a word i have i've had plenty no you know what i mean but i'm only saying one pasty pasty salt and pepper chicken come ask come something dick something dick tits pasties chips but i know no it's good it's good love the matrix looking forward to the matrix 4 i love it when they release sequels right but what they do is they get the name of the film like Batman and then they just

they put a the on so it's like The Batman or with Wolverine it's like The Wolverine but they make a single they take off the the so it's just Wolverine they're doing that

with Matrix 4 did you know that they call it The Matrix with Matrix 1 it's called The Matrix but Matrix 4 they're just calling it Matrix but it's all good

I love films I really love films it's good to be here how are you it's nice to have Dane back on so soon oh god i've had too much coffee i forgot i had a cough my limit is to a day and I forgot I had a coffee. My limit is two a day and I forgot I had one

on the train on the way here. Genuinely, where's my Coke? So I, I feel. But doesn't that mean that you've now reached your limit? You haven't gone past it. No, I've gone past it.

Because I had one this morning, one on the train and that. I want it on display. Don't miss next week's Patreon, by the way, because we're opening it and seeing what it is. I think next week

you should open it and without checking anything, just have a line of it, whatever it is. Okay. On week you should open it and without checking anything just have a line of it whatever it is. Okay. On the episode. Right. Because

you're not going to get done because it's not illegal to see if something's cocaine. It's only illegal to do cocaine. If you accidentally smoke cocaine. I don't think it's illegal

to do cocaine honestly. No it's not. It's definitely illegal to have possession of a kilogram of it. You don't go to prison for sniffing cocaine. So hang on, you're telling me. It's possession and intent. So if you get caught with a kilogram of cocaine. No, because that's intent.

You're not doing that yourself, are you? No, let me ask the question. Okay. So it's illegal to possess it, but not to do it. So if the police turned up here now, as long as you snort all of that before they get the handcuffs on you, you're just fine. Well, you're not going to go to prison.

I found a loophole! Put it in the toilet! No! Put it in the toilet no put it in Adam he's done the whole kilogram with his asthma oh my goodness Jesus Christ this has been such a fun one

when you laugh enough on this podcast I get a weird like like headache I've got the same yeah yeah I've got the same yeah yeah yeah i've got it so if you could run a pub anywhere in the world where would it be you know because that was hilarious but no way did we answer the question no uh i'd call it rowe's

boozer and put it in the middle of times square right in the middle good idea yeah all right yeah tell me that you wouldn't that would be a really easy to run pub you've got constant passing trade yeah I want you to rent me though he's so confident

and he's like no I'm not going to take a premises that exists I'm going to build a purpose built building in the middle of Times Square

Rowe's Bar where are the bins going out what where's the back of it the middle of Times Square? Underground. Just straight into the cinema?

Right. Because it's just a hatch? Good, is it? To be fair, when he answers and you're like, all right, fair enough, yeah. It's a very good, that's so business-minded, aren't you? It's so good. Not very environmentally-minded.

No. In the fucking sense. Yeah, but I'd just hire an environmentalist to deal with that stuff. I've just got to run the pub, haven't I? You tell me that wouldn't be a successful pub. Rowie's Bar. Yeah.

Rowie's Boozer. Rowie's Boozer. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I want an old-style pub where you can't see in. You know, like the windows, it's like... Yeah.

They have windows, but it's curtains, and it's like frosted glass. Is it frosted glass? Frosted, yeah. Sort of like the glass and it's like frosted glass is it frosted glass yeah it's sort of like the glass where it's like circled so you can't quite

see through it yeah it literally what you're describing looks like one of the shops on Diagon Alley in Harry Potter

like oh yeah lovely where would you put it though oh I maybe you can't have the middle of Times Square can't have

you've got the middle of Times Square just't have you've got the middle of Times Square just uh just near my house okay cool he moved somewhere to be close to QPR it definitely wasn't going to be Norwich

if you can run a pub anywhere in the world Sean's like immediately thinking moving vans I don't want to feel that just near yeah West London somewhere. And then one of the old names, you know, like the duck. The red lion. The red, the, yeah. The purple giraffe.

I think I'd, duck. Duck? I like a duck. Just the duck? The dog and duck. The duck? Dog and duck? Dog and duck.

The dog and duck. Duck. You can't just call it the duck, can you? The duck, you can. Yeah, I suppose you could. You can. Going down it the duck Can you? The duck You can Yeah I suppose you could You can Go down the fucking duck For a fucking few boozes

Yep Got the accent there Brilliant Alright Dick Van Dyke From Mary Poppins What are we drinking? What?

In the boozer Beer Oh in that accent yeah Yeah I'll have a fucking beer I used to have a pub that I worked at that I spent a lot of my

sort of late teens and early twenties at it was called the Roundhill it was a wonderful place very sort of not influential in my life but that was like a key part

of my life and so I might call it the Roundhill after that that shut that closed on New Year's Eve and the last song we played was the cheers theme

and we all cried oh it's great being young in it yeah yeah closing at 37 like i found another fucking job yeah how old were you when you started stand-up were you 21 okay yeah yeah similar to you that you're 20 I was about 2021, yeah. I worked at a pub called Hartley's in Preston that was just the same and all my dickhead mates were getting jobs

in Next and McDonald's. I was like, no thanks. I'm going to steal money from a pub in Preston where girls turn up and it's loads of fun and we have lock-ins

and get given free beer. Oh, great. What was your shift like at Next? Fucking dreadful. I got 20% off a tie. Hammered. One on.

Fucking heartless. Just you saying the Roundhill just reminded me of heartless. It was just that formative time where now, if I had to do that job now, I would hate probably every minute of it. But at 18, I was like,

oh my God god it was so good and i stole like a little bastard from it as well what if the managers or the landlord is watching won't you be say sean you think far too far ahead yeah yeah what me and dan tend to do is just say stuff and hope for the best yeah yeah and that's what he's like i just waited till they got the right they give me the right money like two pints of carlin was whatever like say it was four pound 80 and i just oh you've got four pound 80 and then i'd on purpose get distracted by the next person and i'd carry that i'd carry that money for the next two orders i can just because it was always but you can never nick on a sunday afternoon you can never nick on a tuesday night but friday

and saturday night so but Friday and Saturday night. So if ever, and it never happened, but if ever the manager went, why have you got money in your hand? I'd be like, I'm so sorry. It's so busy. I got distracted. I've just got to literally put this in the till.

Me and Adam never did any of that. No, you didn't do any of that at Zellig's or Envy. No, of course you didn't. I mean, I don't know why someone just didn't flick a pocket as I jingled my way out with 37 pounds in my pocket. Fucking bowling. It was because that's why I was getting

paid for the shift. Just put it in your tip jar. What? Just put it in your tip jar and say it's tips. It was a shared tips, wasn't it? Joint tips.

Bullshit. Bollocks. Oh, I got a good £1.80 from that. Bollocks. Jingle, jingle. I got laid. Sex. There. In the pub? Yeah. bollocks jingle jingle and I got laid sex there

in the pub yeah in the pub yeah you did shagging in the pub I did a bit of shagging in the pub oh was this the threesome you had sex in the pub

yes I did the threesome in the pub on the bar threesome with the manager on the bar just next to the carling tap yeah no not on the bar

on the freight machine no now I'm thinking about it on a carpet three years Just next to the carling tap Yeah No Not on the bar On the freight machine No Now I'm thinking about it On a carpet Three years Yeah On a carpet Just on the floor

We didn't roll out a carpet It wasn't like threesomes going on so much That we were like break dancers That brought our own lino Oh shit Is there a threesome about to break out Get the boom box And roll out that old carpet break dancers that brought our own lino oh shiz you're a threesome about to break out get the boom box and roll out that whole carpet

it was just the carpet of the pub we didn't have a rug did you just lay on the floor not sick that's mad yeah yeah in my house but i've never lay on the floor of a pub i don't think i lay on the floor three of us like lying well you've had a threesome in your house no this section's gone to shit no sex in your house sex on the floor in his house but never in a pub right i i think it's very very very important at this stage just for your clarity to understand that at this point the pub was shut is that what you missed not way where in the pub what's the problem your problem is that the floor is dirty it's i don't know i don't know in what area of the pub in the back there's two bars there's like the front main bar and around the back there was like a cocktail bar and i seem to remember it was

this is like 2 30 in the morning on some random wednesday night we've been to tokyo you had a threesome on a wednesday oh my god that's the point where you're like oh i mean fuck anyone on a friday or absolutely but wednesday threesomes with nightingale what what a life you've led i get pretty revved up by co-Cola cup fixtures. God almighty. Do you not get carpet burns? No. No.

I don't know. It's just a weird... It's just the act of lying on the floor. I didn't lie down. The woman was laying on the floor. You know, do you know? Two men, another guy. Yeah. Yeah. Eiffel Tower. My manager. My manager at the time. men, another guy. Yeah. Yeah.

Eiffel Tower? My manager. My manager at the time. Eiffel Tower? And his girlfriend. What? Yeah. On a Wednesday?

My Lord. Oh my God. I can't believe. We did this story on a Patreon maybe like nine months ago. It was a clip? It went out as a clip? It went out as a clip it went out as a clip yeah very popular clip as well and it i just i feel like we're treading on like something we've

talked about before but there was a there was a point that i a lot more detail this time though you didn't tell us the carpet or the wednesday last time no because a lot of it was in a bed on a sunday no you spent most of it going incredulous, like, you had a threesome? You? Yeah, and at one point, I can't believe this is a public episode. At one point, he was on all fours. He was?

No, she was. Oh, right. Again, guys. And he was getting a blowjob from his missus, and I was behind. And I was just was getting a blowjob From his missus And I was I was behind And And I was just Giving it

As Death I was giving it As best I could And I very clearly Remember Him going Like giving me

A little nod Like doing a cracking Job there kid Did you know high five? No we didn't touch Each other That's the Eiffel Tower Isn't it?

Yeah I know But we didn't do it. He just gave me a little nod like, yeah, you're doing a cracking job. I was like, I am banging your missus here, mate. They split up about four weeks later. Yeah. Isn't it weird that one of my-

Do you think that was related? Do you think it was- Did you switch ends? I think it- What, at a hard time? Did you? Car like, when did you lie down on the carpet, lad? Was it a Febreze or what oh my god

did you get any shaken vac down you dirty old bastard so my pub would be called Hartley's put a bow on that one feels a lot easier

doing those sort of stories on a Patreon episode you know yeah yeah yeah can I imagine mine yeah as I've said before when he's given me that face

I feel very nervous because it's one of the rare times when Adam's going you sure you sure this is going out I can't believe how do

I mean I'm sure we will move on and we'll have to but no you don't have to how does that begin at what point does it

when did it cross the line I know the answer to that question so they'd been sort of drinking the three of them all night and then at one point they jokingly went oh we're going

I can have a threesome and he was like of course we are yeah yeah yeah yeah of course and then they did so they started the walk back from Tokyo Joes to hartley's is fishergate which is like the main street in preston and i remember the first like we should have a menage a trois and i was 18 i was like

that's sexy everyone just laughed along and literally we were back the manager got a pint out and then um the girl was in her knickers and i was like oh this wasn't a joke i didn't do any like i just did that i don't know if this happens in your life when you're like this is just happening i'm gonna try not to ruin it and i'll see what happens i said i i didn't do any yeah i thought you were about to say lunges i thought you were gonna do any lunges i didn't have time to to stretch yeah yeah no there was no pre-game straight in yeah yeah it was good fun that was that was uh 1999 i was seven yeah famous one famous one one

right it feels weird talking about a one year old in a threesome conversation yeah Adam was 7

and he didn't have a threesome for 2 years but that's Cardinal Heenan for you so there's a boy

scale as well do you have any other words yeah I have oh my god woo There's a boys' girl as well. Do you have any have-a-words? Yeah, I have. Oh, my God. Woo! Right.

Let's do this one. I feel like this is quite up Sean's stream. Oh, no. Lee says, Alright, lads. Only been listening to the pod for a few months now, but I'm a massive fan of both of you guys stand up currently on episode 50

on Apple Podcast come on fucking Lee come on so I'm currently smashing through an episode or two a day I don't know how anyone does that

at this rate I should catch up by mid July around this time I should be looking into starting my dissertation and all of that boring uni shit

but I'd like you boys to have a word with me, my future self actually. I have an annoying habit of procrastinating and spending my most productive hours playing Xbox when I could have been doing something more important I know I just missed it. Xbox?

I hate when I miss it it's so much pressure reading fucking badly spelled emails. Xbox? That's not it! What's an Xbox? I hate when I miss so much pressure reading fucking badly spelt emails Xbox that's not it what's an Xbox what's that I've never heard of an Xbox you mean Xbox

yes I do okay yeah just Xbox lying down on the carpet fucking weird I mean I've done it on my

done it in my house I've laid on my own carpet when I could have been doing something important often times I leave my deadlines until the last minute and I always hate myself afterwards as I know it's entirely my own fault motivate me and tell me to get a grip will be a nice surprise

there's no doubt I will forget I've sent this email nice one boys keep up the good work much love from Scotland Lee so lee has been procrastinating he knows he's going to do it with this dissertation and he wants us to have a word what do you think there sean well well it's quite a lot it's quite loaded isn't it that yeah that question he leaves everything to last minute yeah and he wants us to sort of tell him that he shouldn't do that do you often get things done well ahead of time look well first of all he said that he's gonna was he's gonna hate himself yeah but he's gonna hate himself whatever he does i love it how that's the bit you've picked out but you do don't you just every you just look back at your former self and go oh god what was was I doing? So that's inevitable.

You can't escape that. No, but yeah, but after enough time, but not like, you don't get to July and look back at May and go, oh, I was such a cunt two months ago. There's normally years in that. I know, I operate on about six months. Every six months I go, I was such a cunt.

Or 12 hours, often 12 hours ago i was a yes yeah yeah yeah you don't usually regret the season before the one you're in like oh i was such a dick in spring so he uh well i think the the trick is to try and come up with something more important if you can more important and and and more what's the word that you know it needs to be done immediately more pressing yeah if you will than your dissertation see if you can find that and if you can find what that is you will procrastinate that by doing your dissertation yeah that's what i do so so in life right what all you have to do to get anything done is have something more important that you should be doing wow trick

yourself yeah into doing because you always put the most important thing off because it seems bigger doesn't it it seems harder to do even if it's not just because it's more important it seems more effort and harder yeah so you go I don't really want to do that

so I'll do the other thing so you write a list write dissertation and you put cure cancer above it and then you go ah cancers I have a theory that Rome

Rome was just avoiding doing something more important the whole of the roman empire yeah the right like the rome wasn't built in a day it was like you've got to do oh uh what's an italian name caesar caesar whatever salad salad you uh you remember you just did that. Rome, Caesar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nailed it. You've got to do that admin. Yeah.

I'm just going to build Rome instead. Right. Yeah. You think Rome was built because Julius Caesar didn't want to reply? Didn't want to do something else. didn't want to reply didn't want to do something else the only reason my flat gets cleaned

is because there's something else I've got to be doing and I apply that to everything in life so Rome was just a way of going we could do that do you know what I better just build that arena spot on what was more important than building Rome not more important but that arena. Spot on. Yeah, see? That's with me.

What was more important than building Rome? Well, not more, all right, not more important, but what needed to, there might have been something that needed to be done.

Whereas building Rome didn't need to be done. It also didn't need to be done. No. But it didn't, did it? Life was operating before Rome.

Didn't need it. But there might have been something that was more pressing. Going, I don't know what that there might've been something that was more pressing. Going, I don't know what that thing would have been. I'm hoping you would help. Can you help? I love how grand you've gone with the example.

I know. I know. Every one of us is thinking, what's bigger than building Rome like 2000 years ago? It doesn't have to be big, but it could just be something you don't want to do. Running an international drug ring. Tax return. Tax return. drug ring. Tax return.

Tax return. Build Rome. Build Rome. You've got to do your tax return or we could make some roads. It's probably lucky that Julius Caesar wasn't like me because he would have just had a big wank. Excuse me.

Yes, there you go. Tax deadline. I'm like, ah. Broadbanks. What can he do then? That's bigger than a dissertation get a new girlfriend what get a new girlfriend get a girlfriend pregnant oh one doesn't like and promise to you know help raise a child and then just don't do that yeah look if he doesn't

drive book it's not more important necessarily but if it's like you book your driving test and you've got your driving test coming up and you've got to learn how to drive and it's now it's not more important necessarily but if it's like you book your driving test and you've got your driving test coming up and you've got to learn how to drive and it's now it's coming closer and you think you fuck i've really got to do that that driving test your dissertation see it's maybe yeah it's true i'm i'm terrible for the last minute stuff i try not to be but like last week when it was new material it was monday afternoon i was like i haven't got it all i was meant to pre-book the train tickets to come here and i didn't and this cost me 94 quid yeah well i mean 25 quid of that was choice wasn't it 25 quid on top of that oh my god nothing makes me work more than deadlines i'm broke. I can't work without a deadline.

But you still spend the 25 grand. I'm broke, but I'm not sitting with them cunts. I want to be in Nicolas Cage's seat or nothing. I'm Nicolas Cage. I'm more important than Nicolas Cage. It's the same thing though, isn't it? Because your priority there should be to look after your bank account. cage i'm more important than nicholas cage it's the same thing though isn't it because your priority there should be to look after your bank account and instead you've gone no comforts it's the exact same thing it's the anxiety yeah you're putting the anxiety off to the last minute aren't

you yeah i could buy this train ticket now which is horrendous or i could just leave that until i there's nothing else i could do but i have to buy the train ticket you know and all you do by buying the train ticket like even if you get it the same price last minute as you did early on all you're doing by booking it early it's just taking away that annoying thing to do you're not nothing really changes you still get to the fucking place if you're an organized person changes you still get to the fucking place if you're an organized person you go i bought that train ticket pretty much all you've done is avoid three weeks ago and i'll book the train ticket you lazy shit oh i'll do it i'll do it i'll do it but it never works like that does it and then even though like i'll be really organized

one time and then two times later i'll be like i didn't do it even though it was so much easier whenever you do something and you get something like admin done in life and you go, that is how I'm living now. That is, I'm going to be like that for the rest. This is it.

I found it. Why wasn't I living like this? I've solved it. And yeah, and it just crumbled. Like that time you did the home, your homework on Friday evening. Maybe did it once

In my whole school career You got home Went I'm just gonna get it done And then By Friday 7.30 You're like

La la Yeah Fuck you The weekend's mine You're like The one I'm worse for With this Is putting a wash on

Cause it's a machine That does it for you And all I have to do is go in you go and press one button and I will sit there and stare at an empty

washing machine it's just mad for five hours being like I could have got five washes done in this time easily

and I'm just still I'm literally looking at it and I'm thinking about putting clothes in it but not putting clothes in it taking the know. Not putting clothes in it. Taking the bins out. I mean, that's the classic. Yeah.

When you come back in from taking a bin out, you feel like you've cleaned London. Just coming back in like, fucking. Look at that. Empty recycling boxes. Yeah. He's never felt that feeling. Like doing the dishes straight after

you've cooked dinner. Like dinner done, you've ate, and you go, do you know what, I'll just get these done. Done. Or,

without having to ring a Romanian to come and pick them up. Goran, we've got another load for you. I'm quite bad for letting my dishes become so dirty that I throw them away

and buy new dishes. What? Yep. He also fills his garage up as a bin and then gets someone to remove the garage. I live like how I used to live. I just cleared my house out and it got to the end of it

and my bin was full and I was just putting stuff in the garage and it was so messy. I just rang a Romanian man and it got to the end of it and my bin was full and I was just putting stuff in the garage and it was so messy I just rang a Romanian man and he did it for me I once right I

0800 Romanian man do you ever have this right I was so I was I was sometimes I can't sleep because I'm so hungry

you ever have that but you're so tired but you can't sleep because you're so hungry so I'm lying in bed and I'm like I'm so hungry you have that but you're so tired but you can't sleep because you're so hungry so I'm lying in bed and I'm exhausted but I can't sleep because I'm starving so I'm just gonna have to get the energy to get up and and eat so I can get to sleep so I get up and all that I've got is um a sort of those Sainsbury's takeaway Indian platters, just some samosas and bargees. So I put them in the oven and I go back to bed and I wait. And I'm just exhausted.

Oh, God, I don't know if I can get up to get the bargees. And it's like, you know, 12 minutes, whatever it is. So I'm like, right, I'll get up and get the bargees. So I get up and I get the bargees and the samosas and I put them on the plate and i i eat them in bed and uh i had a cat at the time right this is the i think it's kitten at the time so so i'm eating these barges in bed and uh and the samosas but strangely i then i then fill up quite quickly. Like, I've suddenly become very, like, really, normally I can get through a lot, but I eat, like, two bargies,

and I'm stuffed just off two bargies. So I'm like, I can't eat anymore. I'm exhausted. So I'm going to put the bargies down. And then I'm like, oh, fuck, the cat. I can't put the cat down. Like, I can't put the food down because I've got the cat. Cat leader, yeah.

But I'm so tired, I can't get up and put this in the bin. So I just stuffed the food in my mouth. And I realised that I was a bin. What I was doing was not eating. I was chucking the food away, but in me. I'm just not enjoying any of this. But I just can't get up. That really happened.

I've had the thought I'm a bin I've got such a bad laughter headache Sean Walsh please come and do this more often so fucking fun Such a bad laughter headache. Sean Walsh. Please come and do this more often. So fucking fun.

Oh God, I've had too much coffee and this has been fun. Some Coke. Where can we find you and your podcast with Paul? The podcast with Paul, I'm really, I'm enjoying that. I don't get excited about it, but I am enjoying it. It's only 15 minutes long. So perfect for just popping to the shop or a post-coital hug.

Yeah. 15 minutes. Or waiting for an Indian platter to cook. If you like it, well done. It's just 15 minutes. It's me and Paul and we moan for exactly 15 minutes. The last order's bell rings.

It doesn't matter what we're saying. It ends. It's just 15 minutes. People tend to binge them, which is great. And we're now doing it with guests. So please, the two of you,

maybe we'll have a word special when the two of you come on. That would be amazing. Sounds good. As a team, we'll do me, Paul, and you two. What's it called, Sean? Fuck, sorry.

It's called What's Upset You Now. Okay. What's Upset You Now with me and Paul McCaffrey. Okay. And your social handles? At Sean Walsh. At Sean, S-E-A-N-N, Walsh. I'm not on, actually, I'm just on Instagram,

not on Twitter. That's a vile place. And Google Sean Walsh tickets and and enjoy the sitcom that you're going to produce for me uh huh

yeah starring Alfie Brown that has been a pleasure cheers mate thank you for having me fantastic patreon.com

slash have a word pod if you're not already getting these early access these public episodes early access and an extra episode every single week and as i'm sure a lot of yous are aware by now we've got some very very very special extra content coming up we are going ghost hunting with baddie dodds which we're gonna film the entire thing you're gonna see this every single one of us shit ourselves especially dan and carl and next month we're doing a lockdown lock-in with Stephen Trice,

one of our most popular guests. He's going to be on the couch getting drunk with us. There's plenty of extra content coming to Patreon on top of the extra episodes you already get every week and these early access episodes, patreon.com slash haveartwearedpod. Go ahead.