Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #127 with Lauren Pattison - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 5, 2021

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Now, let's get back to the pod. I got my eyebrows waxed this morning. What? I mean, I'd love to say I could tell if I can. So here's what happened. All right. Thank you. It's a lovely big dick.

So my eyebrows are like a fire hazard and always have been. Yeah. Right. And they grow sort of like up my face. So, although it's very thin up here, there's actually,

my eyebrows are sort of part of my head hair. Right? Like you've got like a pro-seeding hairline. Essentially. Yeah. And like,

even sitting there, you wouldn't really notice it because they're that thin up there. But obviously, me missus lies next to me and her face is here. And it's been driving her mad for a while. So she was like, you need to get your eyebrows done. So I was like, for your birthday, I'll get my eyebrows done.

What a treat. Yeah. What a treat. I'm a gentleman. I'm a gentleman. I give women what they want. So do they have options? Like, do you know when you go and get your fanny wax?

Do you know when you get your fanny wax? When I get my fanny wax do you know when you get your fanny wax when i get me funny when you get your funny just like me get me funny wax yeah do they go like you can get like brazilian brows all off like hollywood sort of chemo brows you went for the albanian look yeah went for the albanian make them bigger um get all the eyebrows that you took off other people last week and put them on me what I said to the woman was I said I don't want you

to know they've been done I mean this is with me you know like when a kid goes to get his hair cut and he mums with them and she's like she was there like

right come on I was like look I want her to be able to tell that they've been done but I don't want me mates to be able to tell

because I'm not going to tell anyone. That lasted about four minutes. It's sort of fucked that up. We can't tell. And you look good. Look at me. Right. Don't want to be a cunt.

But you're going to be. But one of them is higher than the other one. You like The Rock permanently. What? No. Come on. You like Gary the rock permanently. What? No! Come on. You're like Gary Barlow, but he's always like, sinking one goes up.

The right one. Oh yeah, sort of, isn't it? Yeah, but I think that's sort of my fault. She hasn't done that. Oh, okay. That's my uneven face. Well, you've got a very muscly side of that face. That's famous.

You just look inquisitive all the time. You're like, really? At all times. if you smell um you strike me as a man who would get this sort of thing done now i've never had my eyebrows waxed but i do pluck them you do it yeah i love it whoa i love it torture it's nice no i get tortured by serica like every fortnight it's not nice i've got different squeezers i've got four different squeezes me wow so you go i used to start off with the middle i just get me manscaped.com promo code word i just manscaped the middle of it i do my balls with it genuinely me me sort of me cock throw you know the bit above your cock yeah yeah below your belly pubes yeah you're trying to say pubes yeah yeah you you permute a triangle pube pubes that bit i do that me balls and me eyebrow gap

with me manscape razor in that order i mean do you know if you tweeze the middle it grows back slower and less prickly yeah apparently so are you talking about your eyebrows? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just tweezing your gooch. Imagine tweezing your bollocks. Tweezing your bollocks one by one. Here, it's coming out. Massive ones as well. Have you ever had the ones, so I'm a little bit older than you,

but my ear hairs are starting to grow, but like these white ones, long ones, you pull it and it feels like you're pulling your brain out. I use me weed whacker from manscaped.com, promo code word. I feel I weed whacker from manscaped.com. Promo code word. I feel I should have brought some stuff to sell. They sent us a little thing called a weed whacker. It's just a little spinny stick.

You shove that in your ear and it goes. Put it up your nose as well. Yeah. Your ears and your nose. Your weeds. Piss hole. Your bum hole. Put up your bum hole.

Any hairs inside your bum hole. can put up your bum all any hairs inside your bum all gone like a candy floss machine why not don't eat bum all hairs sorry that was the disclaimer that i didn't think you'd have to say today don't eat bum all hairs kids you must have at some point though because you lick your bed yeah yeah don't eat your own bumhole is no i'm not gonna eat me own when you lick your beard's ass there must be the odd hair that comes and you just have to accept that as part of the game i'm going to accept that as part of the game yeah i've never licked a bumhole in my life you know never never because there's other options have you ever had your bumhole lick never? Never. Wow. Oh, my God. Your life's going to change.

Are you messing? Like, it's so good that I want to do it for you. Like, you've missed out. I, look, right. I don't want to be a cunt. Yeah. But you have been through some pussy. Like, across your period of time.

Yeah. You've done some damage to to the ladies of the western hemisphere mainly due to their mental health northern hemisphere what i said this last week northern we're in the northwestern hemisphere no we're in the northern hemisphere please don't say western we live in the northwest that doesn't mean we live in the northwestern hemisphere we are in the western hemisphere there is a western hemisphere yeah but we're in the northern that's what we're classed as we're also in the western but when does the western hemisphere become the eastern hemisphere there must be a point because it just goes around doesn't it i think it's africa which bit the middle

the middle of africa mid-africa yeah yeah the middle of africa has got like the the middle point where the the the west the hemisphere lines cross i think he's right he can stand in four different hemispheres that's not that's not the thing no he's chance yet you can if you put a dance mat right in the middle of this you'll actually you'll touch every all four hemispheres while you're dancing to Believe by Cher. Especially the bit where you do a jump out. I love that. Two arrows. Who listens to Believe?

Who plays Believe by Cher on a dance mat? When we went out a couple of weeks ago, that's the song we had standard, yeah. Wow. Believe by Cher on a dance mat. We're getting off the topic. I want to know about this bummer licking. Right.

Well, the topic was you've shagged all the birds in the Western Hemisphere. That's really what I wanted to hear. I don't know how it's never like because i've never asked for it but it's just happened how's it just happened though like a gail's been giving me a little fucking what's that full gob yeah and and she's just you know she they'll always put a bit of pressure on your inner thighs as if to go open them please and then you spread them a bit and you're just getting head in there like a truffle pig yeah but like with like fanny and bum fanny and bum i can see

where you could just slip and you're like oh that's shit that yeah you've got to go past bellend shaft balls gooch bum hole yeah that's a lot of that's a lot of things to get it's like total wipeout you have to get through all the bits to get to the bum hole yeah but you don't have to she doesn't have to run her tongue from the bellend. It's not like Total Wipeout where you can't fall off. That'd be a move, that bellend to bumhole. Them two red balls that you have to bounce over. I can't believe that you've never had this done.

Yeah, that's mad. I've just never thought of, I've never been like, do you fancy? No, but neither have I. No, you don't ask. And several women. Several? Several women have just had a lick of me bumhole.

And then, right, because we all know what it's like to get noshed off yeah what's the difference like no offense it'll happen one day and like what's the difference because that feels like oh but when they go does the tongue go in the bum or does it just go around the bum some ladies just sort of wipe the window and some of them

open the window and dust the shelf yeah but surely it tastes a bit shitty hang on you must have a powerful tongue to enter your bumhole.

Why? Because it's sealed over, isn't it? It's not open. Yeah, but... Are they pushing it in? Tongue punch, as they call it.

Checking in? No. So when you lick your girlfriend's bumhole, it's never gone in? In? What were you saying? In?

In the bumhole? In. Inside the bumhole, yeah. gone in in what were you talking about in in the bumhole in inside the bumhole yeah what so like into the small intestine I don't mean like into a bowel I mean just you know

taste of dinner I don't mean like you've walked down the corridor I mean you've poked your head in the door oh hello have a little look around here like a sherbet dip

literally just in not like you can fucking sit down yeah just in oh right you've fucking sit down yeah just in alright you've just anyone in

alright just in by my do you know what I mean oh like a naughty child in the back of a car do you ever do that have you tongue punched a fart box

yeah so you've never done it to a girl and they've never done it to you never I feel like this is like the law of attraction because like

I've done it to girls so I'm attracting girls that'll do it to me I need to get like I'm quite a hairless man yeah but my arse is like a thicket

it's like a nest it's like a badly done cornflake cake do you not do anything with it I mean, occasionally, but when you're in a relationship,

you just go, I'll leave it. Like, it looked like hard grid. It's fine. But now... And you are recently single. I am recently single. You just wanted to bring that up.

So when you're in a relationship, you just give up. You have no respect for them. You grow everything. You don't shower. Fuck them. You know what I mean? Anyway, she's left.

I can't think why. I honestly can't think why. An arsehole like a cornflake. So you've just got a sort of forest of bumhole here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, see, that's probably where it's getting. So you shaving your bumhole, is that how you do your's probably where it's getting so you shaving your bumhole is that how you do your law of attraction i think is that your mood board yeah well you have

waxed your bumhole before no you've waxed my bumhole before yeah i forgot about that i don't know how i forgot about that i don't know why every time you're on this episode on this show we end up talking about your arsehole and what we're going to do to maintain it. Go on, pass the picture over. So for anyone who hasn't seen, we didn't have anywhere near the following we had. When we did the live show in Liverpool, Brennan was one of our guests,

as was today's couch guest, Lauren Patterson. And we ended the show by waxing his arse crack. Your arse crack, and I don't mean to be a cunt, smelled like fish that night. Thank you. I don't know what had gone on, but I got really close to it at one point, closer than I needed to be.

And just a potent smell of like tuna. Tuna? I think so, yeah. In brine? Sunflower oil? This looks like one of them videos. i don't remember your arsehole being particularly hairy when we did this though well it was i didn't think you got right in there like you needed to like get get in knock on the door check if anyone was in so your

arse actual hole is the hairy bit yeah not the gates no the hole it's like cress why i'm sure you must be like a medical marvel you know well thank you but that was one of the worst things that's happened to me what me waxing your arsehole yeah and my nan's died yeah about three or four times when i want to cancel gigs but she's died again guys she's gone sorry peter but it fucking because the eyebrow waxing did it hurt yeah i didn't scream though i was a very brave boy did you do it in a salon yeah a women's salon full of women yeah that's how it works. Yeah. There's like one woman in the corner doing the nails.

You know? There's a woman doing the hair. There's a woman doing the eyelashes. Have you ever had them threaded? No. I had them threaded in Egypt, and that was great. You don't feel it, and I didn't feel it. I felt like it was good.

You cried. My eyes were felt like I was good. You cried. My eyes were crying. I was going. My eyes were crying. My eyes. You've really worked on your words. Haven't you? My eyes were doing cries.

Fine. My eyes were streaming, but I wasn't crying. If you know what I mean? It was just a physical reaction. Yeah, my eyes were watering before. Yeah, but I was sobbing. I mean, I was just like, are you crying, my eyes were watering before. Yeah, but I was sobbing. I mean, I was going, are you crying, babe? Shut up, doing this for you, cunt.

I had an angry Turkish man. So is that it now? Is that the birthday present done? No, that's all she's getting. What have you got me? These. No. Oh, I could actually tell you what I've got her

because she doesn't listen to these podcasts. Neither does my girlfriend. But she won't see this until after her birthday anyway. What? She wouldn't see this until after her birthday anyway. After? After. Yeah, so I'm taking her to London.

Okay. What are you going to do in London? So we're going to some really pretentious place for afternoon tea called Sketch that you went to. I went a couple of weeks ago. It's very pretentious. This is the Thursday. We're going place for afternoon tea called Sketch that you went to. I went a couple of weeks ago. It's very pretentious. This is the Thursday. We're going there for afternoon tea.

Yep. And then we're going to the Skypod bar where you get, it's literally a bar in the sky. Wow. A bar in the sky? A bar in the sky. Yeah. What? Up a, like a.

For a pint with Georgie Best. God rest his soul. you best God rest his soul yeah so we're doing that on the Thursday yeah Friday is her birthday

so we're going for breakfast at some place that I can't oh so romantic that breakfast at some place at some place

yeah do you want to know where it is yeah because I've made a spreadsheet because is sam does she go like right i'm having a birthday week or she goes it's my day i'm like is she high maintenance for birthdays because this is the first birthday i've had with her so she's sort of gone like we're going to london and you're organizing it and i've gone sound i'm quite

happy with that i like sort of spoiling people anyway that's how i show that i like someone have all these things aren't i great but emotionally inept yeah sexually rubbish passable okay yeah but lovely eyebrows lovely brows lovely eyebrows we're going somewhere called brother marcus for brunch apparently it's the the best brunch in london i found that one um there's a place called harry's that she's like sort of showed me loads of tiktoks i've basically hinted for months how this place be good this place we go this place be good she loves italian food so we're going there the saturday all i booked is a place called muse now it's it's fine dining for lunch so're going fine dining and lunch at like half one. And then last night she was like,

oh, England play? And I'm like, I'm not the biggest England fan in the world, as we've discussed several times on the podcast, but she was like, England play Saturday night, so could we go and watch that in London? So she actually wants to go and watch the footy,

which is just great. The one game England aren't playing in London. I'm so happy about it. I bet. I'm so happy that this is the one they're not in. Being in London for that, I think I'd kill myself. And then Sunday, we're going for pasta for lunch, and then I've left the rest of the day empty.

So you're basically going on a food tour for three or four days. Yeah, but that's what she loves. She's a foodie. Is she a bit of a feeder? Yeah. Yeah. Do you love it? No, I don't.

I do, but I wish i didn't that's the right answer i want to be thin and she wants to eat and i want to eat but i can only not eat if i'm with someone who will not eat for a bit but she won't do you know what i mean what you try to starve her no i want her to starve me do you know what i think you should do this would be a lovely treat i think for the birthday so you go all these lovely places and then the final thing you go i've got one more dish and then do you know those posh like silver things that you put and when you pull out the food like that a cloche a cloche and it's just your ass and then she asked her do you think i'm a contortionist how am i supposed to present that we'll cut all in table

you go underneath it pop your ass up i think they do it at parties in soho how am i supposed to explain that i'm getting under the table what am i getting under

the table for i don't want to see it i don't want i don't want to see your face when you open this okay open it but in a minute and get all the family

as well i'll knock three times on the table when i'm ready for you to open it just do the pringles tube knob then the pringles tube knob then. The Pringles tube knob.

Snack size or full? The three foot one they sell in Sweden now. I still need two. Open that. Honest step, ladder. Yeah, and I've got one present, which is quite an expensive one considering I'm paying

for all that And do we get to know what it is? It's a Dyson Airwrap Oh do you love that? It's an Airwrap Yeah it's a It's a funky

funky contraption It's a hairstyle and kit I'm glad that you let me say Airwrap before going you've got a roof

Yeah clean everything There you go babe happy birthday do the floors go on get it out use it it like sucks your hair in doesn't it and yeah it's essentially a hair curler or straightener that doesn't use heat it uses air that's gonna get used off you though isn't it i'm gonna suck myself off with that you're gonna circumcise yourself with a Dyson Airwrap. She'll come in and be like, this is fucking sick, this. I'll get you a new one. Yeah, you go, look, my hair looks like, my fucking knob looks like a duck's dick.

I've got a corkscrew cock. And she goes, happy birthday, mate. Very hard to get hold of them as well. They're sold out on the Dyson website. They're sold out on the John Lewis website. I went into John Lewis too. Like, we haven't had any for months, but if someone brings one back,

because it's broke, we could sell you that. I was like, what? Very hard to get hold of them as well. They're sold out on the Dyson website. They're sold out on the John Lewis website. So I went into John Lewis too. Like, we haven't had any for months, but if someone brings one back because it's broke, we could sell you that. I was like, I don't want it because it's broke. And then I went to Boots and I went, can I have the Dyson Air? I pleased to say she got them in stock on the website.

She was like, I've just sold me last one. I hate it when they do that. When you're like, what? You're telling me information that doesn't help me. Yeah. You know when they go, we had 12 yesterday. You're like, have you got any today, bitch? Do you have a pen?

I had one before. I used to have a pen, and I was using it, so you can grab that one either. But then I went back into Boots a few days later, because what happened was, she said they didn't have them. So I went on the Boots website and bought it. It's like 400 quid. Bought it.

Bought it. Remember, guys, sign up for the patreon do my do my role he's got to pay for his dice and airblade.com slash have a dice and airblade imagine you bought one of them i plugged it into the wall and she's like fucking great um yeah so i bought it on the boots website come out me bank and then immediately after they come out me bank boots emailed me and said we cannot fulfill this order and we will refund you in five to seven working days i was like that's that should be when i become prime minister when i run for prime minister yeah yeah that's gonna be one of my lead things like there's two things i'm

gonna campaign on the first one is the the refund has to be as fast as the purchase bollocks that they get to go ah we'll give you that in a week fuck you boots give me my fucking money what if i didn't have the any more money to then buy her a birthday present oh god this is mcdonald's all over again you know what do you know what blooming wild is no i got my birthday blooming wild subscription for their birthday. It's flower box letters. Flower box flowers. Flower box. Letter box flowers. So every month she gets a bunch of flowers

through the letter box in a box. And I cancelled it because she's never in and they won't put it through the letter box because it's signed for. It's ridiculous.

Why are they called letter box flowers then? Because they're meant to come through the letter box but you've got to sign for them if you get a certain order whatever it is and i had to request to cancel my subscription we have received your request i was like no no no i don't want to pay anymore we'll get back to you in the next seven days with your request i was like oh i just got a bank and fucking cancel it

you could like you could save her a bit of money though or save yourself money and just go like don't get my flampos and that. I could. Instead of me sending her flowers. It's been a tough year. There's loads of dead people. Loads. And you go, this one's great. This one says mum.

There you go. There you go. Through the letterbox. Let's have a baby. Mum. She'd break up with me. One day, you'll be a grandmother we're going for funeral ones now as well

yeah dad if you were if you were a boy you could have you would have been called little Timmy are there flowers

in the shape of little Timmy I think they'll do pretty much anything you ask them for what do you reckon the worst thing is that you could ask for funeral flowers do you know if you rung up you went got a funeral on if that's her name like the girl in this is england so people would just assume it's her name

or like lmfao bitch dead bitch audible dead bitch deserved it. Can I have them in lilies, please? Can I have them in lilies? That'd be great. They were her favourite flower. It's what she would have wanted. Because she wanted everything, the fucking bitch. Do you know lilies smell a bit like cat piss after a while? I've heard they smell like my arse after a live show.

Another thing. I don't know whether I've mentioned this on Pop4, I've definitely mentioned it to you, is what I'd rule out if I was Prime Minister. Garnishes. I don't want garnishes on food. Yeah, where you go, oh, it's suddenly a plant on top of my thing. Yeah, especially on a liquid, like on a soup or a curry, and they're like, oh, he probably wants some coriander sprinkled on the top of that, so it smells like a liquid like on a soup or a curry and they're like oh he probably wants some

coriander sprinkled on the top of that so it smells like fairy liquid I don't do you get the coriander thing yeah you would then people yeah

oh really genetic that innit yeah celica's one of them yeah soapy shite it's horrible you better get it as well

I don't get that I taste coriander I can I can have it sort of hidden within a recipe. Yeah.

So like if it's in the curry, then I don't really, it doesn't really bother me. Oh, so you're like a child. Winner. Someone just bought a hoodie. Thank you. Like, do you know when you have to hide food for kids, like vegetables and zhuzh it up and put it in a bolognese? You can't just put a load of coriander in the middle of the the curry what i mean is if it's

cooked into the curry okay very finely diced and it's liquidized i'll i'll be able to tell but it won't put me off it but a sprinkle of coriander on top of food literally just tastes like you've gone is that curry ready to go okay let's just get the domestic so there you go send that out to him it's horrible do you know why they do it though why because it looks fucking dog shit

when if it comes out and you order I don't know lentil soup well then list it say on the menu that would be my policy you've got to list

your garnishes like this is a pterodactyl egg with garnished with a lemon do you sell that in Sketch? I can't be able to get that on.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Fair enough. All right, I get it. Tell me what you're going to sprinkle on me food because otherwise, why are you hiding it? It's because you know

some people are going to think it's fucking horrible. Otherwise, you'd list it. You'd list everything else. What's the worst food then for you? Because everyone's got their baseline where it's like, that's fucking horrible. would never eat is it is it coriander probably what's yours baked beans what i mean they don't usually come on a fucking steak seat joe dan's never eaten

a baked bean in his life they're horrible they're like if even if i see a picture of the one i'm like minging and i think it's because my mum used to make me eat them. When you pour, you just go, here you go, there's your tea. You know- There's a tin of beans. You're not even fucking cooked. We all go, cheers and blah. Eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes.

My girlfriend loves bean juice. But not, well, hates beans. It's just tomato sauce, isn't it? No, it's not tomato sauce. Because if that came out of a tub when I'm putting on my chips, I'd be shitting out my eyes. It's fucking horrible. If we go for breakfast and I get beans with my breakfast,

she will sort of dip her toast in my juice. Yeah, I get that. If there was one bean on the plate, imagine a big like chef plate, like proper, and it's all nice, like steak, chips, whatever. And there was just one.

That's going in the bin. That's mad. Horrible. Are you a fussy eater in general? No. I love food, especially during lockdown. That's why I'm wearing a jacket.

I've got tits. The old Adam Rose technique. Hide it. Get me a blazer on. Is there anything else you're fussy with? Let me think. Sprouts are minging, but that's sort of normal, isn't it? I went through a few.

I like them again. Do you? Yeah, I've come out the other side. Yeah, I've always liked them. Since I was a kid, I've always liked sprouts. I just think they're a bit rotten. And lettuce. The flavourless flavorless vegetable flavorless what like why it's so watery yeah why is it where's the water it's just it's just flavorless like water that's what i mean it's

just like green crispy water no but you bite into it and then suddenly it's like you've had a shot of water yeah it's all it just ruins burgers and it's not for me yeah a shot of water. Yeah. It's horrible. It just ruins burgers. And it's not for me. Yeah. When I get a burger, this is going to be sort of controversial. I prefer them plain. I like them with stuff on. Well, it depends on the burger.

Like a double cheeseburger from McDonald's is better without the mustard and tomato sauce and the pickle. What? No. It is. Just a plain beef and cheese what

I can't believe you've just said that it's like eating an eraser have you ever tried one of them McDonald's burgers with nothing yeah

I used to work there I used to literally just every now and then if I was hungry I'd just slap a burger on the grill and just like

eat it with the fucking spatula all in in one do you remember that lad off come down with me he was sucking up so much.

Have you seen it? It's fucking one of the worst things ever. It's the thumbnail picture. Single now. I used to eat everything in Mackey's. I used to make extra of everything and then just eat it. Or I'd purposefully burn stuff

I've not even mentioned like the GP was down whenever you worked no so because McDonald's are such a big business quite big, Mackey's doing alright the fast food place yeah yeah McDonald's

the yellow arches looks like an M but it's the yellow arches and yellow arch yeah looks like an m but it's actually two arches golden bridge yeah yeah yeah right um so what i'd do is i would because they're such a big company they just expect waste so under every single till in mcdonald's there's a gray bin this was when i worked there anyway and a red bin and the gray bin is just a bin and the red bin is a waste bin so if you if you were like if so when they make like six double cheeseburgers they're allowed to be in that fucking thing that's there for like 15 minutes the slide the burger slide yeah right on the 16th minute they have to be thrown into the red bin right right and also if

you fuck up the food they're meant to be thrown into the red bin right right and also if you fuck up the food they're meant to be thrown into the red bin but all the red bin is is a sort of middleman for the big bin is it not weighed no no so what you do is every now and then they'll go like someone do a red bin count so let's say you weren't saving anyone you'd go and get all the red bins and stand by the big bin and you'd go right double cheeseburgers one two three and you'd go and get all the red bins and stand by the big bin and you'd go right double cheeseburgers one two three and you'd write down four right and then they're in the bit the main bin then the red bin goes back to where it was and it's now empty there's no way of distributing them to people who can't eat food anymore like hasn't got any money can't eat food anymore yeah

like homeless people can't eat food anymore as in they don't have the means. Can't eat food anymore? Have all these burgers? They don't have means of buying food. They've just been food that is... They've been loads of stuff. So what I would do, so chicken nuggets are meant to be in, I can't remember the timings, but let's say they were meant to be

in the deep fryer for three minutes. I'd leave them in for like four and a half and they'd be just too brown to be served and then I'd just write different time then I'd just you're too brown out you

come on come on got the Dulux colour chart you know what you've done what's the brown called? what? what's the brown called? what do you mean?

the too brown on a Dulux Dulux chart. What's its name? Burnt Nugget. Tap in. Fucking played that well, didn't I? Just played it for a while.

Isn't that on your wall? Burnt Nugget, that. You all right, Steve? Yeah, I'd burn them, but not throw them away. And then there's like a chicken thing in the back of Mackey's. Again, this is 10 years ago when I worked there. It's like a chicken thing and that's got loads of different trays in it. There's a tray of nuggets.

There's a tray of selects. There's a tray of the burgers to go on Chicken Legends. There's a tray of chicken sandwiches. There's a tray of chicken mayos. But there's like three or four of nuggets because they're very popular. But there'd always be one empty. So I'd burn a full tray of chicken mayos, but there's like three or four of nuggets because they're very popular. But there'd always be one empty. So I'd burn a full batch of chicken nuggets,

write it on the waste, then put it in the spare one, and then for the rest of my shift, I've got fucking crispy chicken nuggets. And they were still lovely. They just weren't up to McDonald's specific standard. But free. Which tastes the best. I wonder how much money you've cost mcdonald's

over the years you look you're well into the tens 10 25 pounds of pounds i used to work at pizza when i was 16 17 yeah and what i used to do my mates would come to the fire exit and you just put like so i'd give them like 10 pizzas a night it was great and then my brother cottoned onto this and he goes once again as a pizza pizza i forgot on the way out i just took a pizza out the bin in a box and he's giving me a lift dome and he's eating he goes this it's weird this loads of faggash on top of it and i was like and i think it's just like a seasoning and he ate it all at like binny pizza

but we used to steal all the time it was fucking great of course it was that's what the lockers were for little garlic bread he used to come into a bar

I won't say which bar it was doesn't exist anymore no but the people do the person who owns it does yeah he used to come in and sit at the bar

right and he would pay me with his keys so because he was my mate right you gotta be clever when you're stealing yeah right so because he's my mate they're checking aren't they they might check the cameras and go right he gave him a bottle of peroni at that time or a rum and coke right so let's double check on the camera that that went through the till well then they're tilling up and they go we're actually we're actually up a pair of house keys so what i'd do is he'd he'd go let i'll have a sailor jerry's and coke and i'd go to the till

and i'd put sailor jerry's and coke through and he'd hand me his keys and i'd lash them in the till then i'd pick the keys back up and give them them back so now the till is let's say a rum and coke was three pound fifty yeah it's three pound fifty down but then later on someone would come in and order eight peronis and i just put seven through but i'd still charge them for eight maths yeah so i'd know how many drinks he'd had and how down the till was and how many people i had to then get that back from as the night went on you're good with that like when i first met so we've known each other what about 10 years now 11 years yeah and like you were very i mean that's why they call you rowdy bags in it yeah but like money wise you're like spot i'm shit with it i'm really bad with money i've got no money and i earn fairly decent money but i've got no money because where's it going well

you're buying fucking dysons i buy dysons i book restaurants i i'll go out for a pint i saved nothing i just like i think it's like from without doing the whole fucking x factor story we had fuck all going on so now i'm in a position where i've got a little bit. I'm just like, I can have whatever I want. And I've always said to myself for like the last like 10, 12 weeks, like from a very young age, when I get to 30, I'll fuck up. I'll start being serious. Absolutely. Which is January. 30s, take yourself serious, innit?

So I've got like another six months of just being a frivolous bellend. Are you lying, bastard? What I want to say is um you're free to judge's houses congratulations well done mate you've done it you're going to new york you're going to louis louis house say that again you're going to new york in january yeah

so you're going to start you're going to go to new york and do oh no no frivolity i turn 30 the day i come back i thought you were there for your birthday i am yeah oh the day you leave is your 30th no well the morning after that all right so i just i won't get anything from the and that'll be a good start duty free from america don't think it works

yeah but instead because it's america it's very it's not like dupe and fucking big Toblerones. You can get a grenade and grenade. You can buy hard drive. Loads of pits for kids in it. Actually, it's for me and my family. But it's in a clear bag. Swimming hand, you can take 200.

These are menthol grenades. It's fine. We're all right. We're good. I'm going gonna start being good when i'm 30 how old are you i'm 34 and i can tell you now you're not when did you buy your house last year about 18 months ago so you were 32 yeah but i bought it at auction and that's the stupidest thing you could ever fucking do because you just turn up and you go see the driving license yeah there you go and then you go in a big room and there's loads of

different types of people um and then loads of different types of people yeah there's like men women property developers and then you just put your hand up house please do you want to run then someone else because now i want that house no one's checking whether i've got the money house house house house house i've won an house and when you go you've won an house i went fucking hell i don't know if i can afford this house and then they wish you off and they make you sign loads of stuff. And then it seeps in the way you go, I'm going to have to be funny now for the next 25 years.

So you got a mortgage on the house? I got a mortgage, but at auction, people usually buy it with cash and no one tells you that. So you put your deposit down. Yeah. And then there's loads of extra things where they go, well, we had to point at you when you put your hand up. So that's a grand. What? And then they've got one extra things where they go, well, we had to point at you when you put your hand up. So that's a grand.

What? And then they've got one of their mamas that expensive, that and it. That's 500 quid. Sold. That's honest to God. When I heard that, my bum all went. I was like, oh God.

I felt I was 32 again. So did you, hang on. Did you, the house you bought, was that the first time you'd seen it or did you know it was up for auction? So I'd been in when it was on sale but no one wanted it because it was so shit

and then it went up for auction I was like I'm getting that house. Right so you didn't know the house you wanted you didn't just go I'll have that one.

Yeah I wasn't just going any old house because they were selling all sorts you can buy shops you can buy fucking just big plots of land but I was going for that house.

See this is how shit I am with money I'd have gone there for that house and come back with three pots of land and two bargain booze do you know i mean someone someone bought a shop for five grand it was the one before me and i was like should i bought that shop and just lived in it could have been living in a shop now but right okay was it a bargain yes and no so it's a bargain for what it will be yeah but i've had to like everything was wrong with it yeah asbestos everywhere that needed a

new roof the guy who sold it me wouldn't let the bank into coming I think this is what women do with like fat, ugly men that are sound. I think they go, this is a bargain for what he can be. If I get him in the gym and start getting him to wax his eyebrows, as long as he stays being that nice to me, he's going to be a fucking great husband. Sounds like real world.

And then Dion Dublin pops up 10 in the morning he's like look at this sack of shit it's fucking crumbling it's a mess a lot needs sorting and then six months later

they come back they go how much have you spent on him and she goes emotionally a fucking shitload but it's magnolian to fuck he's got his arsehole shaved.

Let's see how much it's worth. He was a four. He's now a seven. So you invested in him when he was a four. Obviously, you're a six, so he was grateful. Now he's a seven, but he still feels like a four inside. So he's going, fucking no way. Renovate your arsehole.

Put a conservatory up your arsehole. Get an extension. Longer than an arsehole. That's what a boob job is, isn't it? It's just an extension to your tits. Facts with Adam Rowley. It's just an extension. You know what I mean?

I do know what you mean. You're a tits and extensions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Tits, extensions, bigger. But they were there. Homes Under the Hammer were there. Oh, sick.

Which I didn't know because there was lots of Jewish people sat in the corner. It was like no filming area because they didn't want to go on camera. Like proper hats and they'd use those Dyson things. Do you want ringlets? That's why you can't get me in boots, mate. Hats and... You know, heliske know what i'm doing people yeah buy this pay for that and it

comes out your account immediately and you're like that's i've never spent that much money and then if you wanted a refund it'd take five to seven days and then Holmes under the hammer come over are you alright wait for me I'm a

and you go are you alright and they go do you want to be on the show and I'm going I'm literally having a midlife crisis at the moment

trying to figure out I can afford this piece of shit that I've just bought they go we'll give you 250 quid and you're like can you please fuck off

and they were ringing me every day come on get on home. I turned it down in the end, but part of me would really love that. Is that the one D on Dublin? Would you have met D on Dublin and you said no?

Yeah, he could have gone upstairs. Stairs up to the bedroom? Yeah, yeah. I regret it now, but at the time, I just made what I felt was the biggest mistake of my life. Yeah. And right now, how do you feel about it?

It's good. It's getting there now. Yeah. So I had that year year of lockdown it's like eight stories or something four stories four story four story house dead old can you tell us what you paid for it yeah what was it i paid so i i wrote my hand 137 that was my limit yeah 137 pound 137 grand and then someone bid one three nine and i was like 140 and i was just like stop and my hand was going and i was like fuck off stop so i got it for 140 and now it's worth double and I haven't finished so that's good that's good but I've put a lot of money

into doing it because it's like it was fucked yeah properly like that ghost trip house that you went to I remember you showing me

oh it was worse than the ghost house I've seen both it was worse yeah yeah but it's not now you've got a lovely little basement I've seen your basement yeah yeah

little studio space yeah it's nice and never used it you're like oh got a studio saw this thought yeah i can get a bit well in there that's done close the door on that one never go in there and you've got a pink bathroom got a pink bathroom because you had a girlfriend and you went you can have the bathroom and now she's gone and you've been left so we renovated it together and it was it

was a blessing and a curse because it was great like this is going to be fun i swear to you if you want to stay with your partner do not renovate a house go and live in a bin it'll be easier so we renovate and it was really fucking hard we were just covered in dust all the time so we didn't want to kiss each other or anything and then on the bum hole and then you never kiss a bum hole that's it yeah what like a nan like never get your nan to kiss your bum hole and never make that noise when you're kissing your bum hole imagine it puckered up though like the simpsons so we we both sort of went right you can have that room i'll have this room and then she got these pink tiles she was like i want a pink bathroom like okay and then she's seen these

pink pink tiles they were well expensive okay so we got this bathroom and now she's gone and i've got a pink bathroom yeah but right you, right, you're going to eventually, after you get over the heartbreak, you're going to go on some conquests, aren't you? You're going to slay some poon. Do you know what? I think it's check, because I'm 34, as I said.

When I was 27, oh, oh, it was great. Story house to yourself. Yeah, but... You have two women on every fucking story. That's too much no you have a little bit aren't we back in a bit you go and see another one well r kelly face the wall listen to some of my stand-up bits while you face the wall some of my greatest hits

listen to my bit that i did in 2010 about a homeless woman while you face the wall and let's see what you get in your predicted grades that was our kelly it was going there that was our kelly yeah sledgehammer a level results a level results yeah and she sat back two years. So she's 20. So she's 20. Yeah. She's doing a second BTEC. Yeah. That's right.

24. So I think it's changed. When I was 27, great time. Just, it was when like Tinder came out. I was like, this is amazing. It's the best game ever. I was just, I was living at my mum's as well. So I'd always tell her that I was going to stay in other comics houses and then come back a few days later

just covered in like body glitter like hey mum I've been at Pete's have you? and then now things have changed too much there's about 800 apps I think that people are more

open to trying new shit like licking bumholes and fucking going like, oh, put kettle on, pour it on me tits. I'm like, well, I'm not into that. Hit me full with an hammer and shove it up my ass. No, I'm not. Like, it's very... Are you talking about a specific woman, Brennan?

No, I'm not. I'm not. Kettle tits, hammer, bumholes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. These are separate people. If you type that into Google, it actually puts it up on a map.

So I don't know if I'm ready for the 2021. It feels like I'm a dad going to pick girls up. I remember when I was about 30. You know, you could just pick up other 34 year olds though. But they're done. They're done in. They're damaged. I've just done a renovation project i want to fucking clean out another fireplace

come like all right sam doesn't exist yeah a 34 year old sam's gone sam's gone yeah 34 year old comes up to you oh yeah is it a man that's what they all sound like i've got a babysitter yeah i don't get on with my dad do you want to go to a carvery and then just i have this knockler and then Adam is not going to say no to anything and then shag him in Nissan Micra I'm 34

and it's massive it's damaged no the Nissan the Nissan Micra you need to keep going the fan it's like a pop up tent you can't

the thing is if if a woman is open about the fact she's got a massive fanny like that yeah it's massive right then i might get to try some stuff that i haven't tried before what are you trying in a massive fanny elbow deep fisting well i could gladiator foam finger like yeah yeah yeah you're going in that hard as well i'm just like you know what i mean if she if she's like it's massive then i'd have to be like well if it's massive that's fine you know that is okay don't worry but we are gonna you know have to put some stuff up there with me dick oh some like like put a lilo on either side yeah put an armband put armbands all about me dick and then she might be able to feel it are you in the car all the meats please um yeah 34 wouldn't bother me i went with a 34 year old when i was 18 did

you yeah great was it yeah you just ruin you throw you about yeah she was just yeah she was just experienced yeah that's naughty that as a 34 year old because i think you know when i was like 27 i was like the only limits i've got are legal limits now Now, I can't be getting with an 18-year-old. I remember once I got with a 20-year-old, and she had fuck me tattooed here. On the inside of her lip? On the inside of her lip, and I went, whoa. And then went back to theirs.

How does she show people that? And then It's easier to just say But she might be shy You don't only say it when she was sad as well Yeah And dad's like

I guess I'll do it again then It's the thing that made us sad Is this a patreon episode patreon.com slash have a word pod where it's often worse is that the tagline yeah where it's often worse so and when i'd took my kit off she went oh my god you've got a dad bod and it fucking crippled me and i've got i've got a grand dad bod now but it really i don't want that why it's getting more and more popular you know it's it is they say that well it's not if you if you put me next to mark right off towy yeah who are you going for no but they're intimidated by him do you know what i mean you've

got to remember what women are like okay please tell us adam women want security they really do they want to know when they're in a relationship that you're going nowhere because they've been cheated on because men are cunts yeah they've been cheated on 12 times by the time they're 22 so they want security so she looks at your dad bod as like i'm not going anywhere i'm basically a physical icer for that woman yeah yeah yeah she's and she's invested in you because she's like that this will do it says you've given up you'll take what you can get and she's like i'm quite happy as long as he doesn't go anywhere i just don't want another guy to fuck me over and his beginning of tits say that you know if he does and that's why like dad bod ugly men have got the

power to break women because if you're dad bod ugly, because there's thick girls now, really beautiful girls who've been fucked around by all the TOWIE looking cunts. And they're going for dad bod men. And then those dad bod men, some of them are going to be assholes as well. And they are going to become lesbians

because you can't get fucked around by someone you've stooped for and then still be like, well, that's another bad one. Let's keep going with this lottery of men. They're going to lose faith. Hebden Bridge in 2024 is going to be full. Just full.

Full of really fit 22-year-old women all just being like, I try it cafe's called bastard oh i do feel like i'm gonna i've got that mindset so a few weeks out the relationship still all very civil we're sharing a dog whoa whoa whoa park the bus you broke up a few weeks ago and the plan is you're gonna share the dog share the dog right questions that's okay fully fully go for it okay did this dog belong to one of you before you got together or did you get the dog together so i drove her to get the dog but she bought the dog so i think we own the dog right how long into the relationship is this about a year right okay maybe no about a year and a half

so that it is your dog yeah she paid for it because i didn't want to buy it off a man who kept dogs in cars yeah so she paid for it we've looked after it together I fed the dog so it's our dog yeah yeah it's definitely your dog if you got it while you're in the sim release yeah yeah yeah hmm

so I went through something similar last year broke up with someone we'd got a dog together because I did the breakup I tried to be as nice as possible and went you can keep the dog

I mean you've got to move out but you can keep the dog I'm trying to you've got to move out, but you can keep the dog. I'm trying to be as nice as possible. The sofa is staying, bitch. You can keep the dog. I was so sad. I said, you can have anything you want. And she took the dishwasher.

Imagine she was like, I want you. Like, that's not an option. Anything else though. You do know, look, known each other 11 years. You do know look known each other 11 years you do know you can't share the dog you do know that can i ask whose idea was that i mean i think i think she probably felt sorry for me she like going went oh the dog's men you can see the dog a bit is that not like what they call it is a hook or something it's keeping you in their life yeah yeah we're gonna be friends all

right you're gonna be friends we're gonna go to family barbecues with the dog we'll go to each other are you joking though because i need to know you're joking i'm not joking you're gonna be friends you're still going to see her family. She's still going to see yours. Yeah. Right. Okay. So let's do a role play.

Okay. That's okay. I am a girl that you've gone on a date with. This is in a year and a half's time. Okay. Right. So you haven't got back with your ex. I've got my six pack by then.

You've got six ligers under your arm. That right so we're on a date yeah it's our third date it's going well yeah right you're really into me you're really into me you're like this could be the one okay you've got to imagine that okay i've been lovely to you i've been through some stuff in the past but i'm working on it i just want a nice lad who i can settle down with i'd really like to live in a four-story house long term pink bathroom with a pink bathroom love a pink bathroom right so we're you know i'm i'm open to licking your bum hole you don't even have to lick mine i'll have a go right there you go so we can lick bum holes together the future's bright the future is bumholes right not little known phone company

you just referenced orange from 23 years ago i did yeah try and get a one-to-one reference in another right so it's date number three you've been talking to your mate adam rowe you've been texting your mate adam rowe oh yeah and he's been like how are you like i've been seeing this girl fucking you know i think i'm falling for it it's going really well it's you know it is soon but whatever and i'm like have you told her that you're still you know you still babysit the dog three days a week and you're still around your ex's house every two weeks you know helping whatever have you told her that yeah you haven't but you're going on a date tonight so we're in a restaurant so you've got to break the news to me. I'll show you how any woman is going to react.

All women are the same. Hi, babe. Babe? I'm into that. It's going alright, isn't it? Right, we've ordered. Have we? Have you ordered for me?

Yeah, I've ordered for you. Have you ordered for me yeah i've ordered for you have you ordered uh big mac yeah yeah yeah i got it from that red bin um ordered it oh that big mac when you threw away how much was that just a set of keys that's me mate i'm on the top so it's about the podcast mate it's going so well right we've been going on a couple of dates we've spaffed in each other's faces

we're getting on yeah yeah I enjoy the spaffing yeah keep it up there's kids there and

I what spaffing yeah keep it up there's kids there and I what spaffing is what a mummy and a daddy do when they love each other very much your mum and dad

look like they haven't done it in years you were the last time they spaffed mind your business sorry babe babe I can get used to that

so I've got to come clean yeah right so put down your milkshake I know that I said I'm a nice guy

and I am a nice guy I've got a pink bathroom yeah but there's something I've not told you right like on the second date

when you didn't tell me about your kids that actually happened once do you remember the last one fucking what enough and so they're not kids i sponsor them they are kids but they're not mine you know i mean and they're on the other side of the world do you get a picture every month i've got a pen pal essentially aims yeah what what what are they called again in rwanda

so like i know like oh you look after mum benway like every so often he died didn't do that well I've got like a little mum bem way of my own have you yeah yeah what company did you go through it was just on

Facebook right yeah cool you could buy a litter of mum bem ways yeah we called

we by we I mean me and my um ex-girlfriend okay the psychopath no the other one she's psychopath no no no the lovely one the lovely one yeah yeah nice one so we've decided we were gonna stay friends and that's been going pretty well and then we're going with the massive fanny no no that was the one after yeah yeah that 34 year old so we one with the elongated nipples that's the one yeah drag on the floor we have a little mum benway dog um together beautiful more than three pound a month though right but also shit's in the corner when you say but you've been broken up for like three and a half years yeah yeah yeah

so what do you mean you've got a dog with you well we just didn't want to get you got a dog together it was better than getting rid of the dog wasn't it no so so you still share the dog we still share the dog yeah yeah and how often does do you see the dog i see the dog like you know twice a week right and is she there when that happens well yeah it's a bit weird isn't it if i just go and pick up a dog by a bin if it's tied up outside a shop it's like go get the dog i'm not yeah i can see right but it's only like i is like we high five we go go like what's happening and then i get the dog see the dog for a bit you know you and mum bemwe it's exactly the same like

why are you getting upset i've never shagged mum bemwe's dad but i bet if you could afford a flight over there you would i'm just saying you know and, Mbemwe's dad. What's his dad called? What? What's his dad called? Aaron. Surname?

I just want to Facebook and see what competition I've got. Simmons. Mbemwe Simmons. Mbemwe Simmons? Mbemwe Simmons? Yeah. Mbemwe is white. He was just born? Yeah. Mum Benway is white. He was just born over there.

I knew he was white. Yeah. Mum Benway Simmons? Yeah. Anyway, I feel it's getting away from my issue that I'm trying to open up myself to you. Be honest. It's a weird conversation between dating people, isn't it?

I'm just wondering if that's going to be a problem. No, no. Not going to be a problem at all. Have fun. Go now. Go on. Go and get your dog. But we've still got to get some piping hot apple bites.

Go and get your fucking dog. What's up with you, babe? What? Babe. Don't call me babe. Never again. Mum, Ben, Wade. Don't shag it.

Here, go on I don't You obviously want to I don't You obviously want to I don't I never want to see it again I'm going to go and spaff on someone else

Why are you being like that? I said spaff Don't look at the kids while you're saying spaff And that's how it's going to go That's what's going to happen Right well we're not sharing the dog That's exactly how it's going to happen That's what's going to happen Right well we're not sharing the dog That's exactly how it's going to happen as well But it is though isn't it

No What do you mean no He's not going to share the dog So it's not going to happen We are going to share the dog You're not going to share the dog You're absolutely not Comment on this video

Or tweet us if you're one of the audio listeners And let us know if you think It's possible for this to not end terribly for everyone involved. Reversi, imagine she's got a new, like, seven-foot... Dog. Boyfriend who's like, he's not coming to get the fucking dog. Yeah, let's say she starts dating LeBron James. Do you think he's not going to be pissed off that she's seeing you every now and then? Nah, he's got his own shit going on. Has he? It's quite busy, LeBron James do you think he's not going to be pissed off that she's seeing you every now and then nah he's got his own

shit going on has he it's quite busy LeBron James I don't think he'd notice he's got stuff he's I think he's a sportsman

yeah he is yeah is he the guy oh no go on he's the one in the new Space Jam right he is yeah yeah

thank fuck yeah yeah you can't be getting your cartoon characters mixed up I've ordered a pod let's have a break before we before we

you know stay so unliable yeah am I about to get cancelled off not even my own podcast you'll be the second person after Freddie Quinn we'll see

you after the money comes have i dare say what's happening guys oh look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that that's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from have a weird pod.com you want some official have a weird merch go to have airdpod.com and get some then. Instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible.

You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad. Go and get it. Haveawirdpod.com.

We're back. Part two. Finn's gone to turn the air con off. It's so weird without Danny here, isn't it? Do you want me to tell you a thing on the way here because i've seen your lids your fans your yeah followers your cult people yeah and i was

thinking like because we've known each other for ages i know dan really well i've done the shows but do you know when you go fuck i feel bad i feel like i'm in granddad's grave like you are yeah so on the way here i was that's great i got worried and i i stopped off at a b&m to um basically see if i could club together some stuff to look like dan so if anyone like turns on the thing like oh it stands back have you got that way yeah i mean i don't know how good it's yeah i've got it here i don't know that way yeah i mean i don't know how good it's yeah i've got it here i don't know why have i not even i didn't even see you bring this in well for anyone who doesn't know by the way dan uh sadly last week contracted the aids virus

and he got bummed he's got aids and we just we're hoping he can survive it it's 10 days in it you don't you don't put 10 days with AIDS. Yeah. You get the NHS... The AIDS vaccine, yeah. Track an AIDS app. Then you go, you've got to isolate you. Got to bum people from two metres away. He's got AIDS. So you got some marigolds anyway.

I was thinking, wait, the main thing's about him. Bold as fuck. Yes. Are you going to put a marigold on your head? Well. Because your hair looks like quite static. Do you know what I'm jealous of you of? With your hair.

Because I like to think I've got quite good hair. You have? Right? So has Carl. He's got good hair. Right? No, you've got good hair as well, but he's got good hair. No.

So's Carl. Right? It was a ha ha joke. Put it short. Put it short. It made me ha ha. It made you ha ha. It was like on The Office and he goes,

you're not getting fired. You're not getting fired. RIP The Office. Your hair is messy, but it looks yeah you've tried to do it yeah do you know i mean you like i can't have my hair messy because it looks like i've just woke up same like if i had my hair like that it would look ridiculous it would look greasy it would just look like i've just got me enough but you're not far off But like, do you know what makes this hard? It's like formal events, funerals.

He's like, he's enjoying, his head's enjoying this too much. His head's enjoying it. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh. It's very whimsical. But it's like, come on. Because if I brush my hair, I look so noncy. I'm like a new nonce.

I've usually got one, but I haven't got one. It might flatten it down. So are you gonna try and make yourself bald with a Marigold? Yeah. Right. Dan's famously red head. Well, it was that or yellow,

and I didn't wanna get into that. So I thought, this is how you make it. Oh, inside out. Inside out. I mean, I don't know whether Marigo goes. Not just a handsome bastard. I don't think it's gonna go over here then. Not reckon.

Elf on Outland. Is that the first time you've put Johnny on? No. We're getting this on. This is like me trying to put one of my shirts on that fit me last year. Can we put a wig on this, please? Right.

We're sort of dand. And you've got my eye? Look right at the camera. Oh, we've got the wig, the lid wig. You've actually got my eye? I feel like I've got half my head out the window come here lets just fix that because it looks sore here we go right we've got the wig

Dan's back we've got specs let's take the wig off because you do actually look a little bit like Danny do I this needs sorting do you want me to get some tape I've got that

oh because he always wears a cap doesn't he he does he used to wear trilbies a lot but that's past and then you look ill

I've got a non-CR drive. Brennan. If there's ever been a time to stop listening to the audio and to just go and find this exact moment on the YouTube if you're an audio listener. Jesus Christ. Do I look like him?

What the hell? Sign up to Patreon come on manscape Brennan I'm taking the volume off I can't see mama like that

mama like that can we just get a nice photograph of you yeah we don't want to look silly, do we? Dan's made a full recovery. I'm out of isolation.

I'm like, it's so rare that I'm rendered speechless. I don't know what I look like. You look Genuinely Like Gok Wan Get your kit off Let's get down to Trafford Centre I'm not I'm not

Like You look like Gok Wan With a beard You look like you're in Coordination Street And I don't know why Gok Wan Is the new like Do you like when

Daniella Westbrook's coke habit got too bad So there was a different actress in In EastEnders To play Sam Like when her nose fell out Yeah is the new like do you like when Daniela Westbrook's coke habit got too bad so they brought different actresses in in EastEnders to play Sam like when her nose fell out yeah yeah it looks like

Kevin Webster is that like Michael Lavelle is dead so they've gone who'd be a great Kevin Webster and Gough One

has turned up to the audition and gone hey listen up everyone I'm Gough One well I can be Kevin my daughter's rosie

oh i think you need a new fan belt like honestly if if i took a picture of you now right like from the neck up because obviously the clothes would give it away and then a picture of you without this on and put it on the internet people wouldn't believe it's the same person i'm very diverse you're a very good actor and that takes us over to your spotlight yeah so well well done producer carl don't you dare take those off i can't see these are my actual glasses but these are all glasses look how fat them lenses are can i do the old uh oh you wouldn't do someone in a wheelchair, would you? Fucking throw it on the floor of a lawn, you wouldn't fucking ride it around. You would.

You wouldn't do that, would you? Oh my God. Wow. Bad them, aren't they? Wow. I can see through you when you have them on.

I can see the wall. All right. That is insane. You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you erm you you you do you know what it is

what he looks Asian because of his pulling his head up yeah Konichiwa compose yourself got a podcast to do Adam

got a podcast to do erm you er you got into comedy erm to sort of facilitate your acting career initially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, kind of. It was a bit of a misconception. I can't believe I'm being...

So, actually... So, I was a child actor. So, I was in, like, Heartbeat and that as a child actor So I was in like Heartbeat and that Yeah As a kid Got nonced off by I was in a nonce episode Oh

I got pinched Not in real life No no no No Okay Were you in Really yeah I was in heartbeat

You've probably been on the telly When I've dreaded school Yeah Yeah Sunday night You've just had a bath And then I pop up Yeah

Oh That noise The The end of it It'd make me dead sad because it was like bedtime. Harpies get in the bath like you fucking stink of shit. Listeners in America are like, what the fuck are they talking about? Harpies was a TV show on one of our main terrestrial channels. And it was on every Sunday night at like six o'clock. Seven to eight, I think. It was like bath time, our main terrestrial channels and it was on every

Sunday night at like 6 o'clock 7 to 8 I think it was like bath time wasn't it yeah it was just before bed and school the next day

to get rid of the weekend's muck go on so I was on that and then did acting then teenage years everyone was like

you're gay you act they're all them women why are you so gay yeah I'd be like is he gay yeah he's gay saying them women why so gay yeah i'll be like is it gay like yeah it's gay saying words like okay so stopped acting then i went to dram school did all that rolled around

on the floor for three years and then left dram school and started i was like oh my god because they tell you dram school they go you out of all of you one of your work out of the 30 of you yeah and then i started working. I was like, I'm the one. This is amazing. And I did some mint stuff. And then acting became a job. So I wanted to do a hobby.

Tried to stand up once. And I was like, this is fucking well better. I mean, it's less paid. But it's well better. It just cost me 30 quid to go to Ayrland. You're a class maker. Like, maker, maker, maker. No, so you were the one it was there was one girl who were mad who she started noshing off all the directors

around london and ended up in everything she was in like charlie and chocolate factory and then she was in uh like all these like matilda and all that and then she became a born again christian play imagine the guy you've got to suck off to get in charlie and the chocolate come with me and we'll see oh right so what was the biggest thing you've been in acting wise um you've done everything as a stand-up you know tours yeah live the apollo yeah Live the Apollo. Yeah. Yeah. So I'd done, I did a big like musical tour with The Who. You know The Who? Yeah. So I did that.

I was sick. I did, done some films. No one's where you're like, what? Soul Boy. Did Soul Boy. It was top.

Soul Boy. I had to wear a vest in it. It was set in the 70s, all about Northern soul music. And here's me doing splits. I've to wear a vest in it. It was set in the 70s, all about Northern Soul music. And here's me doing splits. I've seen a clip of that. Yeah. Where you're on a bus.

Oh, yeah. And you talk to the guys behind you and they think you're the bellend. Yeah, the main guy from Line of Duty. Yeah. Is that him? Yeah. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Martin Compton? Yeah, he's sick. Oh, that's boss. I didn't even know that. I seen him pop up in the Damned United. I watched that a couple of united i watched that a couple of weeks ago you know he was nearly a footballer was he so he had to choose between football because he was playing for greenock and then i'm just realizing i got this on my head and then acting he's just realized yeah yeah yeah which feels like constantly surprised do you feel like i've got my eyebrows waxed

and he had to choose so he got picked up by ken loach do you know him who did like all them mad films all him sad like i had daniel blake and that and then he had to choose he got picked up at school i think they went up to him in school and he's like you seem right you you're a bit of a gobshite and he was like fuck off and they're like you're in you're in the film he's like fuck you fuck you, you nonce. And they're like, yeah, that's what we want. And then he had to pick, and then he's so sound. Yeah, he seems sound. Can we play a little game?

The reason we've brought this up is because Carl, like, we've, as our regular listeners and viewers will know, it's normally Dan Nightingale, may God rest his soul. He normally does all the prep, and I didn't want to do it, so I asked Carl to do it. And instead of just doing the normal questions, we have got some questions ready if we have. Yeah, we have.

Oh, good grief. How's that looking? Lovely. It looked exactly the same. You're pulling it off. Don't touch it. Don't, just, you just leave it. Like, it looks, you know, before,

I said, oh, if I did my AMSE, like, I'd be jealous of yours. I'm still jealous of it. You could go to a funeral with that. Yeah, yeah. No problem. No. Can I Jimmy Neutron?

You could do the service. Let's play a little game. So, talking about your TV appearances. Yeah. Can I give you the name of the person you played and you tell me what it was in?

Yeah. Okay. In what did you play Barney Duncan? Barney Duncan. Barney Duncan. Barney Duncan. Was it called something Barney Duncan. Barney Duncan. Was it called something like, oh, this was awful, really shit?

Was it called Life As We Know It? No. It was in, it's a regular TV show. Oh, I know what it is. Doctors. It was Doctors, yeah. I knew you were in Doctors. I've seen a clip of that as well.

I think I've watched your show reel. Have you? You know when you're hungover and you're just setting up like down a weird rabbit hole on like YouTube or something, or like I'll Google my name to see what gigs are like on N24. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you're on one and I'm like, oh, I'll click on Brennan.

And then I think I found your show reel years ago and you were like rummaging through a bin. Yeah, I was a bin dipper. And the doctor comes up and is like, what's going on there? And you're like, she's starving. That's not right. Three years at drama school for that.

Oh, I'm so sad. Right? So I was basically a scrubber. I was like, it was, I think they call them free guns. People are like dipping, they get in the red bin at McDonald's. They dip it out. I mean, Bird was pregnant and she was being sexually abused by a cult. This is in half an hour at 12 while you're having tea. She was being sexually abused by a cult. This is in half an hour at 12 while you're having tea.

She was being sexually abused by a cult on BBC Two at lunchtime. Yeah? Yeah. And then I'm turning up. So Balamory ends, cult abuse starts. Dion Dublin, Balamory, sexual abuse in a cult. Then to the news. What about when you played role hero?

Hero? Yeah. You were a hero in? You were a hero in a, on the television. It wasn't necessarily a television show though. Oh. Is this when I did an advert? It was, yeah.

Pringles advert? No. I remember your Pringles advert. They were proper, like... I think I've seen everything you've ever done. Thanks, mate. It's really nice to meet the fans. Show the tattoo you've got on me.

Years ago, watching that Pringles advert. I'd love to have him on my podcast one day. What podcast? There'll be a podcast. There will be. There'll be five before it. There'll be a podcast there will be there'll be five before it there'll be a really really good one um throw enough shit at the wall it was for like an x i think x-man film come out and uh so it's like all x-money and then these people from switzerland come over i don't condone this.

So did you know that on all Pringles adverts, do you know how it goes? How do you eat a Pringle? That way or up? I get about as many in my mouth as I possibly can. I just get like four. Concave. Concave.

Like a bridge. Yeah. Not on any Pringle advert ever. They do it the other way because they want it to look like a bridge yeah yeah not on any pringle advert ever they do it the other way because they want it to look like a smile right so they had to go at me no you do not do that that's weird yeah i do like so it's like sad because that's what i'm doing when i'm comfort eating pringles who's eating pringles when they're happy exactly no one no one oh i'm in a really good mood i feel great about my day junk food please so'm going to eat crisps out of a tube. I realised yesterday, for the first time ever,

that one of the reasons I'm quite fat all the time is comfort eating. I didn't realise I did it until I had an epiphany. Because I had a big argument with my dad and my little brother yesterday. I ate fairly well all day. I had a couple of snacks in here when we were recording because I was hungry and that. But I'm trying to do, just get a little bit slimmer. Because I got really where I wanted to be last summer.

And it's just crept back up a bit. And it's not gone too far, but I don't want it to. So I'm trying to just keep it a bit lower down. Because when it tips over, that's... And I had my tea. I had my lovely, wonderful girlfriend. Made pesto chicken pasta. And then I had murder with my I had my lovely, wonderful girlfriend. Made pesto chicken pasta. And then I had murder with my dad and my little brother.

And then after that, it was about an hour after my tea, I was like, I want a chippy and a McFlurry. I wanted a chippy and a McFlurry. And I wasn't hungry. I just wanted a chippy and a McFlurry. What did you get from the chippy, though? I didn't get anything. I resisted it.

But I would get salt and pepper chicken with curry sauce and chips. I'm the same, though. Like, if I get get in a row i just want to eat shite i love it yeah like because i'm glad that that's my option because everyone else in my family would just down a bottle of whiskey yeah but it'll still kill you if Yeah, but it's not as frowned upon. And it's delicious. Yeah. Having a maccies in the morning actually just shows you got up in time for breakfast. Having a whiskey in the morning.

You got something about, were you? There before 11. But if you go down the offy before 11, no one's being like, he's got skills. No, he's got a problem. He's still awake yeah

yeah yeah if you eat a double sausage and a muffin out of a bag what a guy yeah he's good you're drinking vodka out of a bag

smashed it what a woman what a woman but Brennan what were you the hero in the X-Men have this no no

no it's something else same year same year fuck can you give me a clue it was travel lodge that's not the clue oh the answer you give me the answer i gave you the answer yeah yeah i did actually and you were the hero apparently so that's what they call them when it's like because they want it to be like there's the person that everyone wants to be. Oh, right. So I wasn't a hero.

I won't work running around in spandex. Oh, you were like the main. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The comic book, the hero, the main person. Yeah, so I was the protagonist. You've done a lot of adverts, haven't you? And you've done a lot of voiceovers for adverts. Done a lot of voiceovers, yeah.

I did one advert, obviously. Well, two for Nationwide. Oh, I'd love one of them. Yeah. Ooh. Fucking Robbie baggage. Emotional baggage. I nearly did another advert.

I got down to, like, the final three for two different things. One of which was, did you see the Now TV advert with the bellboy in a hotel? No. So I got down to that. That was a lot of money. And another one was, do you know in Tesco? You walk in Tesco and they've got like Jimmy's steak for two. I ate them.

Well, I was meant to be Jimmy's steak for two. And the guy who'd done it is this like really thin looking blonde lad. And his adverts has been on the entrance to our Tesco since it come out three years ago. And that's the one I was up for. So every time I go to Tesco he's just stood there and he's got a look on his face that says you could have had this thing for two do you know as well about this they would have bought that for 12 months yeah and then every year he gets paid exactly the same money to just yeah that's what happened with me where i think it might have been with that pringles advert and it went a day over and i had to get i got paid again i was like this is the

little phone call from the agent oh yeah do you want some money for nothing yeah and i got free pringles as well there's something not the second time that would have been weird if they brought over a shed load of i've got a big case of pringles i'm quite glad that that didn't happen with my nationwide thing now i don't know whether i'm legally allowed to say what i'm about to say i might get a phone call from the agent once this goes out but i hated being that guy off the nationwide advert did you do you know why because it was stand-up because it was what i do yeah and it was such a sanitized version of it like i had to write a joke about banking for an advert to to have that it was like it wasn't my best work that's the best way i can say it so like my girlfriend who likes what i do has told me

that that was her only thing before we met that's what she'd seen she hadn't seen me clips on social media she'd seen that ad verse and she thought i was a shit comedian in her opinion and there was so many people i i was walking on a hot water for like six nine twelve months and i was going what's that this is hot water it's me fucking home and there was times where people were going he's that lad off that ad verse no i'm not i'm the lad from here i do it here all the time i've done other stuff as well i didn't want to be that i wouldn't want to get known for that and there was people who definitely came to my tour show because of that adverse it were like oh he says some different stuff here i think halfway through in the interval you're just signing people up for nationwide i think if you're going to be a

stand-up who doesn't have this you have to be anonymous in it or like not doing stand-up you can't be a comic in it it's like that guy craig murray who does plus net and he has he's done it for about 10 years yeah doesn't really do stand up anymore but as soon as he goes on stage everyone's like plus oh it's bloody yorkshire yeah but he loves't he? Yeah. But the thing with adverts is, you're never doing something that you want, but everyone's got a price. Yeah. So, role play.

Okay. How much would I have to pay for you to sort of advertise something like, or like trips to Switzerland for your nan. I'd do it for what I got paid the bank address. Four quid. Yeah. All right.

I'm trying to think of things that you, all right, here we go. I've got 50 grand. Yeah. Here. Yeah. In a case. But the new Everton shop is opening. It's been redone at Liverpool 1, Everton 2.

You've got to put that top on. Oh, no. Can I be there? I can't do it. 100 grand. I can't do it. No, no, you can. I'll keep doing the numbers higher. Yeah, but you could go to 100 million. You would do it. A hundred grand. I can't do it. No, no, you can. I'll keep doing the numbers higher. Yeah, but you could go to a hundred million.

You would do it for a hundred million. You'd do it for a hundred million. Don't talk shit. You'd do it for a hundred grand. I wouldn't do it for a hundred grand. I'd let someone wear me as an Everton shirt for a hundred million. I wouldn't do it for a hundred grand.

You'd do it for a mil? You'd do it for a mil? You'd be a millionaire. If you just lent into it and owned it, it'd be over in six months. Ten You'd be a millionaire. If you just lent into it and owned it, it'd be over in six months. 10 mil would be my price.

What? I'm not sure I'd ever pay that. No, don't pay that for sense of forward. No, no matter how much

someone's just standing in the fucking window. It would take like, it would take a billionaire Everton fan who hates me to just want to have a laugh to make that happen.

That's the only way that would happen. If I had my shirdy, get in touch. Yeah. 10 million? 10 mil. Not one? No. What about you with United?

Same? I'm not bothered. No? I used to have a United top when I was a kid. Peter Schmeichel. Peter Schmeichel with mint. So when I was a City fan. Doesn't matter.

Oh, good God. Are we going to have this debate? You're a Man City fan. Raised as one. Is your dad a Man City fan? My dad's a City fan. It doesn't matter. Oh, good God. Are we going to have this debate? You're a Man City fan. Raised as one. Is your dad a Man City fan? My dad's a United fan, but my granddad was a City fan. Brother's a City fan.

So City family. Right. Okay. I can forgive that because you were a kid and your dad's a United fan and there's a connection there. And I got 100 million for it.

Yeah. Yeah. I couldn't be in evidence. I've got a i've got a game i want to play with your spotlight all right okay so i'm going to give you one of your four categories five categories okay do you know what spotlight is by the way yeah it's your i've got one of you your acting profile yeah yeah what you can do what you can't do but you don't know that's just a gap yeah yeah what you can do what you can't do but you don't put what you can't that's just a gap yeah yeah um like what you've done yeah yeah that's all on it pictures that don't look like you anymore yeah that's mine yeah this is from your skills section oh no okay so there's five

categories pick one accents and dialects music and dance how many'm 24. Other skills and performance. So, accents and dialects. I'm going to go immediately in for Old Faithful for this podcast. Accents and dialects. So, on your skills profile, Brennan, you say your native is Manchester Northern, which we'll give you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, mate. It's fucking Manchester Northern. You also say you can do Liverpool. Well, that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah, mate. It's fucking Manchester. You also say you can do Liverpool. Well, that's interesting. Yeah. It is interesting, isn't it? Can we hear that? Do you want a sentence to say?

I'd love a sentence, please. So maybe say Pep Guardiola is a fraud and he buys all his success. On the note. all his success I wish I was wearing that Chewbacca top right now so Pep it's a good start Pep Guardiola

is a fraud and he buys all of his success. Okay, so you know when you sound like that? Have you seen Green Street? Not Green Street, Football Factory? Yeah. Where they come to Liverpool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they stop in the middle of nowhere and it's supposed to be Liverpool. It's supposed to be inner city Liverpool. And it looks like it might be Somerset. Yeah. And they get out and for some reason... Just a group of them stood there.

Just like six Scousers... On a traffic island? Stood in a field. And one of them goes, Hey! Do you know Stanley? He's a fucking Chelsea concert. Yeah.

Yeah. It's one of the worst scenes in British cinema history. Yeah. But as an actor... Yeah. Did they an actor. Yeah. Did they say they could do a Scouse accent? Yes.

Could they do one? No. Were they in a film? Yes. Job done. I suppose. Can you do it though? Because that was quite cartoonised.

No. You can't just. No. Because I can do Manchester. Easy. I like mate. But more. Anyone can be like, I like mate.

I can be like run and give me a sentence right so if I was from Manchester so I'm going to take this as like there's been you know like

like World War 2 right so there was times where like British people had to convince the Nazis that they were German yeah yeah to sort of

in glorious bastard style yeah right so i'm gonna say there's a war has kicked off between liverpool and manchester right and i'm in manchester but i don't want the fucking mank nazis to know that i'm scouse nazis right so i'm gonna just try and genuinely be mank yeah okay so you've got to give me a sentence so like say something convincing like i'd rather have Benitez back than Jurgen Klopp. Something like that. That's all like they'd rather have Benitez back than you because obviously you're mank.

They'd rather have Benitez back than Jurgen Klopp. That sounded quite Irish though. Yeah. They'd rather. What's that bit? Rather. Rather. Did that. That's the place I didn't even get into at drama school. They'd rather. What's that bit?

That's the place I didn't even get into at drama school That's better That's alright Yeah that was quite good I reckon you still Shite mate More monotone Shite Get that on your fucking spotlight now back than jürgen klopp even like me more monotone the driver is better than jürgen klopp shite get that on your spotlight now well done nice now right three categories left music is there any

other accents you can do uh they're all like there's no foreign ones i mean there's one that's stoke on trent which is very specific i had that book they just go i had a duck i'm thick as fuck i'm thick as fuck yeah i used to i used to be seeing a girl who's from stoke i can do birmingham i mean kind of just outside i was yeah i've seen some girl who's from stoke years and years ago and the accent is bad in it it's proper fair it's nondescript in my head yeah i didn't know what it was until you said it it's like proper like you can that's that you can do it can you put that in a sentence will you shag me mate yeah will you shag me mate? Yeah Will you shag me mate? I will yeah Her accent

Being like dirty Sounded like I was Looking after someone with special needs It was It really took the Yeah Did it turn you on? No No No Say something Yeah Did it turn you on? No

No No Say something Do you want to Other three categories? Yeah When I'm single Oh you're planning on

When I was Single Oh yeah Fucking hell Right I was sort of Turned on By like

Stupid ugly people not anymore though no no no you've bagged yourself got one on to myself now just for like one offs it was just I don't know

just putting that out there what's what's the accent that really gets you going? In general Like in real life Yeah I don't mind

I like Irish Really? Not Northern Irish though Get your pants off Noi Yeah Noi The fiddly D one's better

Get your pants off Noi Get your pants off no get your pants off let me suck on that little dick there let's say la vie some people say i suck dick like my dad we've got music and dance other skills and performance all the skills We've got music and dance, other skills and performance. Other skills. Right. Brennan, you say that you're a magician. Oh, wow.

Do you know what? So I lost my virginity quite late because of this. Because I spent my teenage years fiddling with cards and coins and all that shit. I'm glad. When you said fiddling with cards, it went cards. Like my mum and dad would come in. What are you doing? I'd be like, I'm i'm so embarrassed i'm wanking like because you're starting fucking decks of cards and fluffy balls and all that the first thing i ever did on stage was magic was it yeah in the year five

talent show in school what did you do card checks were you good at it yeah i mean i got them all out of work that i got for christmas yeah that's how you invent any of them yeah i couldn't do it at a wedding yeah you do say it's one of your skills though. Has he got an asterisk next to it? No. Right, because that means really good. But it's a skill, I couldn't. The audio listener is just doing some kind of hand contortion.

What's that meant to be? Got a long thumb there. Don't know what long your thumb is. I want to take this off for you now yeah we have music and dance and performance yeah that one the two different things music and dance

you say you're a highly skilled folk singer highly skilled highly skilled folk singer. Highly skilled. Highly skilled. Mm, yeah. Right, okay. Okay, cool. So.

Like, cause the good thing about folk is like, they tell like nice little stories. Like, so if there's- Is folk like, I was on the bus. Is that folk? No, that's like blues. All right, okay. Was I on the bus?

Do, do, do, do. Do right, okay. Was I on the bus? I love that. Is that an Elvis B-side? I was on the bus. I went and sat down. I got talking to a man who owns a pig. That's blues. I bought the pig.

I have a pig. I want a farm. I have a pig. I want a farm. I live in a flat. The pig's taking up too much space. I'd like to get rid of it. Does anyone want a pig? I'm going to get on the bus. Maybe that's why the guy got rid of the pig,

because he lived in a flat too. Wow. Do not put that on your spotlight. Songwriting. You're actually a skilled singer-songwriter as well, it says. Yeah, I used to be in bands and stuff. Did you? Yeah.

I know you can sing because you played Aladdin in a panto. Well, are you a baritone slash tenor baritone, yeah? Yeah, like a rock. It says rock, tenor baritone, baritone folk singing. Yeah, yeah. That is a wide wide i don't know what like i don't want to be like sing the american national anthem why because you're all like when they do it like good i'll tell you this and then i'll sing somewhere no i don't know what

i'll fucking sing in the land of the free do you know i was nearly a McFly? How long have we done? 33 minutes. Why has it taken that long to tell us you were nearly a McFly? Because it's weird if I start, I'm fucking 34. I was 15 then. I was still walking around like. You were nearly a McFly.

Yeah. How? Like I was down to like, because it's a put together group. What do you call it? Is it? Yeah. I thought they were boys. What's it called? They are all boys. No, I thought they were like tight because it's a put together group, what do you call it? Is it? Yeah. I thought they were boys. What's it called?

They are all boys. No, I thought they were like tight. No. Tight. No. Why would a lad from Luton and a boy from Bolton be mates? That's a good point, Dad. Do you know what?

I failed to look into the geographical history of McFly members. So that's why I didn't know. So, here's the history of McFly. The main one with a big chin. Yeah. Blonde Tom. Can sing well though, but he's got a big old chin.

His uncle... It looks like the start of the DreamWorks film. Just a little boy fishing off his chin. So, his uncle was the manager of busted and he used to write songs for busted yeah then his uncle was like right i'm gonna start a band for you so then he did auditions all over the country you turn up with your little guitar you're like i think i sung wherever you will go yeah that's like you i could that one um and you just show the singer i did no but like that was good i liked that thank you cheers they're calling and then they whittle it down

and then you go to london and then they mix all the different non-televised x factor literally that yeah yeah and there's fucking loads here and then i got down to maybe like the last seven or eight and they mix them all up. You record some songs. They go, you sound good. You swap out. And then they go, goodbye. And then this guy who was the boss of the record company,

now in prison for fiddling with underage boys. Oh, dear. Does that make you feel quite bad? Because he didn't finger you. Do you know what i mean well he did did he no what a revelation that would have been i thought he might have no couldn't quite get that no like but do you know what i mean like i've seen pictures of you when you were younger if i was gonna fuck a kid it might be you yeah i mean i reckon i was very close to being nonce quite a lot of times do you reckon yeah well by who i reckon by there was a man who followed me down the street once and when

grabbed me by the shoulders he went don't tell your mum and i ran off kicked him in the shin that was quite close nonsense can you tell not tell the story story? Which story? The story story that we're all thinking about. Story story. Kevin Spacey? Yeah. Can you tell our story?

I mean, yeah. What's he going to do? Hey! House of Cards is already done. Oh, we were dancing around this. I was in McFly. Kevin Spacey tried to fuck him in the bum hole.

True. I've known this for ages. You've been on this so many times. You've been in this room and I've been like, can we do the bum and Kevin Spacey story? But in the ad, not actually thinking we'd ever be able to do it. Kevin Spacey tried to fuck him in the ass.

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do't, don't, don't. Ah! Don't need the bullshit on no more. Tell the story, please, Graham. So. Kevin, spread the space between your bumholes. I like the fact that you were going, can we talk about this? Yeah. As in, people are going to be like, don't be tight on Kev.

No. He only tried to fuck some men while they were asleep. And he liked it when they were tight on Kev. Bumhole joke. No, I just didn't know whether you were going to tell this out loud.

I'm not bothered. This is the main reason I've not had my bum all licked. Because if anyone goes near there, I just think, is that Kaiser Sosa? Never been said ever so what happened so i'm doing a play in london you're doing a play in london at the old vic

so he was the the artistic director or over it or something like that so when i started doing it everyone's like oh you're young you're gonna get it off him because everyone knew everyone knew I wasn't I wasn't 14 I was like 20 21 you're gonna get fucking Kevin Spaced like it was a noun

or a verb or whatever it is doing word and then to mean bummed to be bummed to be Kevin Spaced yeah

is to be penetrated in the anus with his penis while you're asleep yeah yeah against your own will yeah it's a versatile

verb that isn't it? But that's not a nice spotlight. Other skills. So we do the opening night, and there's a big press night. So all these people are coming along, and he makes a beeline, which stands for bum. He makes a beeline for me. Bum line. He makes a bumeline for me. Bum line.

He makes a bum line for me. He draws it. It's just an arrow towards my own anus. And he's talking to me. It's like, oh, cool, you're Kevin Spacey,

but I know what you do. And he had his hand against the wall. So I'm sort of in the corner and he's going, where are you staying tonight? And I went, oh, I've got a place

to stay in London. Travelodge of sorts in my house. That's part of the advent. tonight and I went oh I've got a place to stay in London travel lodge of sorts in my house that was another night when I got fucked by Lenny Henry comfortable beds though that's why him

and Dawn French split up so he's going I've got a flat around the corner I think you should stay at mine I'm going nah because I know what you do with them Oscars.

You put them up people's asses, don't you? I'm like, no. And he's going, you should stay. Like, quite full. You should stay at mine. I'm going, no, I'm good, thanks. And he leans in. He's like, you're staying at mine.

But in an American voice. That's not on mine. It is actually on the American. You're staying at mine. You're staying at mine but in a american voice that's not on mine it is actually on the american you're staying you're staying in mine and then i just sort of grabbed his arm and then just sort of went under it like this and i fucked off into the distance went outside to get some fresh air then simon amstel comes over and goes oh yeah you're quite fit you want to have sex? I'm thinking, what is this? And I went, no. And he went, here's a man.

Just for clarity, you're not a gay man. I'm not a gay man, no. Although I'm single now, so who knows? Here's the thing. Here's my thing. A gay man. Here's my thing. I'm not gay.

At all. Like, you've kissed men for active roles, haven you yeah i i know this but that's like me going and once i was a murderer for 90 minutes like it's an acting role no but i what what i would say doesn't reflect very well on me but i'm just going to be honest about it i don't think i could do that kiss a man yeah like with tongues and that i just don't think i could do it i don't know i i know that i know that's internalized homophobia from an upbringing where everything was gay in school and it was a negative i know what it is yeah yeah but i i just i can't like kiss whoever you want i'm just not gonna right however for the story further story I might let Kevin Spacey bum me

I'd rather get bummed by Kevin Spacey than neck how do you know what the great thing is about stories am I offended by that I don't know the great thing about stories Adam is that you can make them up so you don't actually have to get fucked by Kevin Spacey

to be fucked by Kevin Space spacey to be fucked by kevin spacey oh there's an element of truth and honor yeah yeah like yeah kevin spacey bummed me once what yeah but kevin spacey nearly bummed me just as good a story it isn't it isn't that story would have so much of a better ending if brennan at some point had come on his back. Tell me I'm wrong. I mean, I have before, but it was years later. So. Did he say Simon Hamsley gave you a Mars bar?

Afterwards, yeah. He went, do you want to have sex? I went, no. Then he just had a fun-sized Mars bar in his top pocket. He went, there you go. Like he was a dame at a panto. Just walking around giving out confectionery. That's weird, isn't it?

That's weird, isn't it? That's just as weird, I think. I weird that's weird isn't it that's just as weird i think i think it's weirder that's getting cancelled is that the only time you've met kevin spacey i've probably seen him about but one of my mates got railed do you know it sounds like railed um he got so he got i mean i don't know if he can say this but let's keep it actually it wasn't kevin spacey it's just a famous actor who's won oscars okay but it's not him right it's devin yeah tracy yeah do you know devin tracy devin tracy yeah yeah from the usual suspects yeah yeah yeah he's yeah dev's, yeah. Devin Tracy.

One of my friends, when we left drama school, very keen actor, and he wrote to Devin Tracy and some other people. Deon Fafelon. Ian McKellen. Ian McKellen, yeah. Who's got the biggest dick I've ever seen, by the way. I've seen play i was seeing him he got out in the play once he was in the play not just

i was sat on the back row and his dick was close like he's got a heavy dick yeah I mean he has to hasn't he yeah to play the roles he's played he has to have big dick energy like a like a burrito dick fucking

two hands yeah so my mate Devin Tracy writes to Devin Tracy one night gets a phone call

hiya it's Devin Tracy like Kevin's no no no it's Devin Tracy and he goes he wants to meet me now

this is at 11 at night yeah go meet Dev love him love the films he's in from Connie Dev Allahan yeah yeah go on

Deidre so so he goes and meets him we see him the next day and he's a handsome chap but he is grey his skin is grey. His skin is grey.

What happened? You getting on with Dev? He's like, no, no, no. And then about two years ago, I bumped into this lad. And he went, I've got to be honest. Remember that night when I went to Dev's house? I'm like, yeah, yeah. Dev and Tracy.

Bum me. Yeah, yeah. Didn't bum him, but he fell asleep on the sofa. Woke up. He's getting full devved fell asleep he fell asleep on the face when he woke up yeah and he went i mean it's got a bit dark but and then he's the one who the police and like do you know when it all came out he was the catalyst for dev going down in more ways than one are we going to get monetized remember guys patreon.com slash have a word it's normally more revealing wow that is a story and a half i think that is the worst thing that can happen to you

When you just leave Getting face fucked Well it depends If it's off a loved one And by loved one I mean girlfriend or boyfriend Your dad Wow Wow

Let's have a break Before we, you know Say something libelous We'll see you after the money comes Lon and Patterson's in today Say something libelous. We'll see you after the money comes. Lauren Paterson's in today. Let's see what celebrities she's fucked. Hey, listen to this.

This podcast, I've a word, yeah, is sponsored by beer52.com and we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor and I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are, they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate. Okay. What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different craft beers every month from all over the world,

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slash weird right now and get yourself some bevvies for nothing it's quite weird when we have a guest co-host which is this is the third time it's happened, isn't it?

Yeah, third. We've had Paul Smith, Freddie, now you. But I have to get them to press the button because the viewers wouldn't put up with me sat outside. Absolutely not. You wouldn't like it either? Well, in the live show, when Brennan and Lauren were both actually there,

I had to move these around because... A lot of patterns here, ladies and gentlemen. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Don't miss my line of dance patterns, mate. Welcome. Hello, nice to see you.

It's a live show reunion. It is. The number one photo from that day. You're not in, unfortunately, because it's Brennan's arsehole getting- I think I'll quite happily not be in it. I think I was sort of a safe distance away yeah could you smell it so i'm not this in the first half i could smell fish and i'm assuming it was his arsehole i wonder what a fish what that is what the fish you smell coming from your arse yeah

i think it's the hair being full of shit i don't could it not have been the wax stuff yeah maybe it was a fishy fishy before it was before it was when it was it was your bum all you're saying it like it came up like a cartoon smell i like it did yeah like pecking at you floating towards your arse lauren this is your second appearance on the couch first one was just after self-isolation okay the second one you've just come out after self-isolation okay the second one you've just come out of self-isolation because you've added actual covid and you gave it to dan i woke up to so many messages being like you've killed dan nightingale and i was like what have i done i'm in bed do you not reckon it's possible i don't think i don't think it would show up that

quick no i don't either but i just want you because that's why the first when you text us and i was like when did you test positive like yeah he tested positive a day after lauren coughed all over that's how that's how it happens though isn't it a day after is the day it's going to happen isn't it to be fair i coughed onto my own microphone he was using a different microphone that is true and i did have a mask on backstage i was very good i stayed well you did not come near me i went i did bother your charger you were like can i have your charger it's like don't breathe on me but this is dying and i i need to check instagram and i don't know what i mean so your phone was dying dan nightingale was dying and it's all down to you this is why we don't let women in comedy

poison little witches that we are that's the real virus that's the real pandemic women in comedy yeah yeah women in comedy you don't know how they work women now in comedy women in comedy covid 19 um how was it because dan we we spoke to dan on our patreon record yesterday we rang yeah and dan has basically said it's shit but he it wasn't any worse it isn't any worse than he thought it was going to be see i thought it was literally just going to be like a cold so i was expecting like not a lot but i got hit quite hard with it and it was like it was bearable i got through it was fine but it was still like worse than i thought it was going to be but i think because i thought

it was just going to be like oh i've got a little cold i was like this is how i die is it the worst infection you've ever had it's when you can't breathe because like you don't realize how much you need to breathe i'm quite trained for that i think that's why freddie cohen was fine he's used to being i was you can never breathe you't even notice yeah like a fucking pug he is he is oh he is please put that right here freddie the pug with freddie as well though it's like oh you lose your taste for food and he goes you meant to taste food oh you get so much shit on this podcast it looks like he's struggling today though Dan

he just sent us a little picture doesn't he he doesn't look too happy does he you can put that in that little mug there with his face on does look like he's died and we've now just got commemorative merch that's him dressed as Mother Teresa in loving memory

now maybe shagging in heaven yeah I don't know that we've asked you that Dressed as Mother Teresa. In loving memory. Fairies now may be shagging in heaven. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know that we've asked you that. What? Right. Because we... Just every now and then she comes up.

It's a stock question we ask most guests. Yeah. She comes up and you can answer it as well. Yeah. If you want to. Of course. It is a bit left field. You'll see why in a minute.

Would you, if she asked you to, when she was past their prime, sort of like... that picture behind you. So that Mother Teresa, would you have fucked her if she asked you to? If she asked? Yeah, I said that. Yeah. It's the same as the Kevin Spacey thing.

What a story. Imagine if you got to do both. There's a reason why everyone. I've shagged Kevin Spacey and Mother Teresa. Are they the ones? Yeah. They're a reason why everyone- I shagged Kevin Spacey and Mother Teresa. Are they the ones? Yeah. They're the shiny Charizards of shagging. I think so.

Mother Teresa. She never fucked anyone, remember? What? Did she not? No. How come she'd be a mum then? Call me. What's she saying?

Yeah, she- I don't even think I'd do it for the story i think i've not done enough worthy things in my life yeah and maybe i'm the one to do it yeah look how perfect her hands are they're waiting for a cock in between them please god bless me with a dick um lauren so right would would you find that interesting on a on a man if you went on a date and you're like tell me something i don't know and he checked mother teresa and he's like i've goosed mother teresa and you're like fuck off and then he shows you like a selfie and she's like just doing a little prank she's like just on all fours

if you were gonna like because the thing with fucking Mother Teresa, you'd think it'd be quite a, just like a gentle shag. A bonk, some may say. You'd have to be gentle because she's never had sex before. Nah, that bummer head off me. Bum her head off. Clean off. Right. And also you can use the robes to mop it all up.

Mop it all up. Mop it all up. What, what? What are we talking about mopping upaff yours or are you assuming mother teresa's a squirt yeah she's everywhere holy water all over the place i love that like there's one guy right and he's a patron of this podcast and obviously we talk about the most ridiculous stuff in the world, Exhibit B. And we've obviously said some of the worst things that has been said in British broadcasting history

over the past year and a half on this podcast. And he's been a patron. And he'd been a patron for like nine months as well. So his lifetime pledge was like 90 quid. And he said, I love this podcast, but Mother Teresa and Jizz is too far for me. I'm subscribed. Come back! I love how he's come back this month thinking that's it surely

how are they still flogging this fucking horse um what did you do in your isolation because you were just you and your dog he fucking hated me by the end of isolation like Why? Just because I was so needy. And I kept picking him up for cuddles. And it got to the point where he just went in another room. And I was like, how bad am I with men that even my dog doesn't love us? Oh, that is quite sad. Even my dog won't stay in the same room as us.

Are you trying to fuck the dog? That would have been day 11. One more day in isolation. Another positive test for you. What did you do to pass the time that's that that would be my biggest worry is i would get yeah like a permanent migraine from just being glued i just think i was so like whacked with it that i mean you just slept like you literally like sleep your day you wake up at midday you have like sort of half an hour and then little snooze it was like being a toddler again just lots of snoozes and angel delight it's just like a 10 day hangover like pretty much sounds great

like where you don't have to go anywhere yeah because i think i've got a hangover from you know things being open and now you feel you have to go and i'm like my weary bones i feel so tired just going for a brew with someone i can't have an empty day with Sam. She will just plan stuff. Just fill it up. Yeah. What sort of shit? Because there's obviously fun stuff,

going for drinks, going for food, but what's the worst thing she's planned that you've... We went glamping. Oh, that looked cute. Glamorous camping. Yeah, expensive camping. Oh, yeah. Tory camping. It's 527 quid for three sheets and four sticks in Wales. Glamorous camping. Yeah, expensive camping. Oh, yeah. Tory camping.

It's 527 quid for three sheets and four sticks in Wales. Slumming it. And a fire. It's less glamorous than camping. Yeah. She was like, we've got a bed. That's what you're paying for. We've got one at home?

Exactly. Every hotel in the world has got a bed. And electricity. Like, yeah, no levy. What did you do then? It was lovely. it was just too expensive for what it is like i'm glad that was that was not the way that was that was good i actually enjoyed that but like just every day like if i've got an empty day yeah i i love just

once every two weeks a fuck all day oh yeah you yeah, you've got to have one of them. It's just, oh, you've got a fuck all day. Should we do breakfast, lunch, shopping, the big shop, finally get that IKEA unit up, and then we can watch Grey's Anatomy at the end of it? That sound good to you? No, I want to do fuck all. Even watching Grey's Anatomy is a stretch for me because I've got health anxiety.

They're cutting open clots every five minutes it's awful it's the worst part of being in a relationship is having to constantly be like yay what you want to do I would hey that's the start in it you're what six months in yeah but it's more like eight years because it's locked down oh yeah oh you're like dog years like lesbian years when they get together, three days later, they're like, I do, I do. Lesbians move so quick.

It's so impressive. Some of my mates who are lesbians year together. They're starting a business together. They've got a house together. What businesses?

It's a cafe in Liverpool. Really? Yeah. Called Scissorin'. It's not. It's not. It's not It's not It's not

On to the scissoring cafe There's a cafe in London Called Egg Slut Is there? Yeah And I really enjoy Minnesota Egg Slut Egg Slut

You know I used to think Scissoring was like Because your fingers Are like scissors And you finger the vagina And the bum all at the same time What? Two in the poo

One in the Yeah But like I just thought It was one in each I thought that was Because that looks like scissors Doesn't it? It does Yeah yeah You know what I mean? the yeah I just thought it was one in each I thought that was because that looks like scissors doesn't it it does

yeah yeah you know what I mean I thought that's what it was I didn't realise it was banging fannies for ages that's what it is isn't it it's not banging it's like smushing

smushing fannies smushing you'd have to bend one as well why because they're not at that angle are they they are yeah no but you'd have to like

kind of move this one up a little bit is your birds bum all at a right angle to a no but you'd have to like kind of move this one up a little bit is your birds bum all at a right angle to a no but like so yours flat like that

on top of each other pretty much yeah yeah but it's where you're going you'd have to oh so you're going up well it's going in she's laid down

legs in the air maybe you have to move this up a little bit oh just be fine that goes in yeah

right both of them are in yeah and it's like you cut and wrap and paper oh you actually did a snippet I thought that's what it was

I realise now that I'm wrong but you could call that what would you call that fingering yeah but that's just not that just implies one hole

stupid isn't it do you remember when that was like like people were like like secondary school like yeah like two in the womb one in the tomb teachers yeah which one do i press it you can't hesitate with the buttons you've got to just go straight forward sexy i like that mama like that um Sexy. Mama like that. Mama like that. So you were just sleeping every day?

Pretty much sleeping. I was worried because I was coughing so loudly. I was like, I bet you I get a fucking noise complaint. It would be just my luck. My neighbour below us doesn't like it. And I was like, I bet you she complains that I'm coughing and I get evicted for having COVID. That would be just my luck.

She's having a rave. That can't be a noise complaint. She's a nightmare. Unless you were coughing to like the tune of Blue Dabba Dee Dabba Dada at two o'clock in the morning. Through the gaps in the balcony. Spraying it on her. So have you got a knobbed neighbour?

Yeah, she's just weird. Like she popped her head up the other day because her balcony is obviously like below mine and she was like, what number flat are you? And I was like, what have I done? What have I said have i done what have i said what horrible things have because that's the thing as well normally when i'm on the balcony there's nobody else out there and if i'm like chatting and stuff i just don't really have a filter and the other day i was out there and i realized how clearly you can hear other people on the balcony and i was like oh they must think i'm

feral like they must think i am horrific is it a woman yeah and how old is she like 50s late 40s early 50s and she's just a miserable twat yeah she's got cats i don't know i can't smell piss but then again i have lost my smell i you can't noise complain for that my neighbors are quite sound i always worried that my neighbours, where I live in West Arby in Liverpool, and it's sort of, the road I'm in is quite nice, isn't it? It's sort of, like, tucked away, and it's where you would sort of,

like, next to me is a family with two young kids, and next door to me, the other side, is, like, an old couple. Yeah. But, like, I had an illegal birthday party in January. They did nothing about it. Oh, did we, Rita Ora? All right, what went on there?

It was a hypothetical illegal birthday party. We imagined it. No, no, no, you can't get done retrospectively. I mean, you can if you murder someone and then a few days later, oh no, it was a couple of days ago, mate. After COVID. Apparently Matt Hancock isn't being prosecuted

because it was retrospective crime. Even though all crime is retrospective. Were you grabbing asses like he was as well at your party? Yeah, I was actually yeah me current girlfriend my now girlfriend big disclaimer there that was my now

current now yes hey remember you were there yeah like they were quite sound with it and I play music

quite loud when I'm getting ready for like coming here yeah like half nine in the morning got a bit of Luke Combsbs on bit of jerry cinnamon bit of jamie webster something like that all right see i've got a mad neighbor she's like min but also a fucking nightmare she's this like big she's moved out she's come back to me we're sharing her dog and so this yeah big jamaican woman oh we will come back to the big jamaican

woman because why wouldn't we but before we crack on we've got we've got someone who's more qualified than me to comment on okay what we're talking about before oh what's this so brennan and his mrs parted ways yes but they're gonna stay stay friends and they're going to share the dog right now if you if in a few years yeah you were to go on a date with brennan and you've never met him you're not common because you don't know each other yeah you haven't seen his arsehole getting waxed you don't know it smells like fish you've got no idea right that's the thing that's pissed them off the most the thing is i can't check i'll be walking around you never know what your own bummo smells like Gandhi

so would that put you off if you were dating a new lad and he was like three dates and he's like look

me and my ex-girlfriend still share a dog I see her twice three times a week yeah I think it would why I think it would

but this is the thing because I always say I don't want any baggage but then I remember I'm late 20, single and live in the north. Anyone I get with now is going to have fucking baggage on.

They're like, absolutely. But yeah, I think it would put me off. A dog's not baggage. No, but you're still seeing it and you're still attracted to it. It's attached to baggage. It's a luggage tag to baggage. It's keeping them in your life.

It's not like you don't attract the two together. You've obviously had an attraction at some point. It's still there. You just don't want to be together anymore. She knows what your dick feels like. You know what her vagina feels like. Do you know what I mean? And the new girl knows that you know.

And for a while you enjoyed it. Do you think that you can't be friends with someone who you've banged? I think you can't be friends with someone who you've banged i think you can't be friends with someone you've been in a serious relationship with once you're in a new relationship yeah i i well no it's not that you can't i just think it's not unreasonable for the new person to be like i can't deal with that yeah and that's fine that's allowed But I'm not Not sharing the dog He's a cute dog It's so unbelievably naive But the dog's cute

Yeah You would so do your girlfriend You know You'll have to treat it like a child in the divorce Where you have like a designated pick up point And like a mediator Who hands over the dog Like

We're gonna have to go court Dog court Dog court Here's an audible thought Soz about this Okay that dog at some point dead gonna die it is isn't it yeah i know you don't want to think about it but that dog will be so dead as dead as every dead dog is right now because i've thought about this where i go that dog better not die on my watch because i will be crucified proper i wasn't even thinking about that right

but there's that yeah so first of all you've lost the dog and there's so many problems when your dog dies here right so many first of all you're in a new relationship but the dog's dead you're gonna have to comfort your ex she's gonna want to comfort you because the baby is dead right oh my god no more baby right that's what she sounds like yeah right it's my next door neighbor so that's going to be weird for any new partner and then what do you do do you just never talk to it again is that the only thing binding you oh we get a new dog and share it that's what i'm thinking until the cycle continues until we die i don't know i don't know but i think it's never in the history of the world ever worked yeah but i think yeah it could work it will work for me you sound like a 17 you don't go into uni like

she's not gonna fuck anyone else she'll wait for me i remember thinking me and my ex would stay friends and then i got invoiced for my possessions being sent and i was like no no no what no no no i got invoiced for my things to be sent back from london yeah invoiced not his job to pay for it to be fair yeah but 28 days but this is the thing i was like oh i'll fuddle him dummy's not gonna do it and then on literally like day 28 he sent the invoice and i was like not only have you sent the invoice you've done my pet fucking hate of sending it last minute arsehole yeah so it had to be paid that day i know i just sent it i was like have have my money i put it on the tax return should have sent him

after dog you'll put it on the tax return yeah i put on my tax return how did you get your accountant to okay that one yeah i am heartbreaks tax deductible a moving van for your stuff did you say they were moving office furniture yes yes yeah exactly move there welcome to have a tory with three tory how to dodge 28 quid in tax oh yeah it's not it's not gonna work that but you've got a big fat jamaican neighbor big fat jamaican lovely neighbor nice she's great she's called marcy marcy yeah but like her boobs like she can fold her arms on top of her tits yeah like proper shelf power stand really big she's about this big shelf just all tits yeah yeah marcy marcy lovely tits right

it's like a ghetto pose how bad your tits have to be ifits are dabbing how bad do your tits have to be if they're dabbing so if you get in her good mood she's mint

she'll knock on the door she'll bring you around some rum cocktails she'll make food she'll have a laugh but if you get her on the wrong side or if she's just

feeling a bit like a she's just sometimes she comes in the house your house just comes in goes hey just seeing what you're up to you're like sure she's not flirting no because she wants to have a look upstairs she's like she does yeah but she's big yeah so it takes a while the stairs are steep but you go you can't just come in and And she's like, ah, shut up.

You go, okay. And then occasionally she'll throw her keys at you in the car park. Park my car. And you go, oh, okay. But that's the thing. You want to stay on the right. She throws her keys at you in the car park and asks you to park it. Yep.

Have you parked it? Yeah, yeah, of course I have. Why? Because you'll smother me with a giant shell taste. But I don't want to get on the wrong side of her. Because she her because she's gotten like the neighbors nearby have got on the wrong side of her and she makes their life hell yeah it's my kind of woman traps the like parks the car so they can't get the car out she fucking leaves stuff outside their house like rubbish bags and that i love a petty bitch she sounds like a gob she is but she makes a great rum cocktail exactly that's where they get you that's how they get you

that's how they get you you see but i might i've thought about this before then it's the boobs that are the frightening thing because they're honestly big do you remember lola ferrara off euro trash died because the boobs were too big. I just wonder what her nipples are like. Marcy's nips are like. Wonder. Dream. Give her enough rum cocktails.

I imagine they're like dinner plates. Yeah, they will be. How big are we talking? Is one of her boobs bigger than my face? Yeah. Yeah! Easily. What? And like wider. Like Hey Arnold. What? are we talking like is one of her boobs bigger than my face yeah yeah easily what

and like wider like hey Arnold what she's got hey Arnold tits football head tits football head tits and a combined tits

bigger than that coffee table maybe width wise yeah wow that's a big titty big double tits I'm just picturing me as a tit like that one of her tits. I'm just picturing me as a tit.

Like that. One of her tits probably weighs what I weigh. Two Lauren Pattersons. Hello. Could she feed a fish? She hasn't got double D's. She's got two LPs. I can't be dealing with dickhead neighbours.

Nah. I used to have, I did a routine about it, but I had Russian neighbours at one point. Mm. And they just constantly have a murder, but in Russian. And it's terrifying.

What does it feel like to you? What does it feel like to you? What does it feel like to you? What does it feel like to you? I was them ordering food. My niece can speak Russian. She's five. Yeah. Her daddy's from the Ukraine, so niece can speak russian she's five yeah her dad is from the ukraine so she can speak russian yeah and it is terrifying because she'll come up and she'll be

like who should i get that and all she's doing is showing you a shit picture so that's from the ukraine yeah this is your niece my niece yeah is this your sister's daughter yeah and her fella? One of her many fellas. One of her many fellas. That she's had throughout the... Like, she's literally done a gap year. Round the world trip, she was married to a Samoan fire dancer.

He was a Ukraine bear trainer. She's done it all. Is she in the Wild Thornberries? A Samoan fire dancer Yeah yeah Right Okay The picture I've got in my head

Right now Is phenomenal A Samoan fire dancer You know when they have the sticks And they're like Oh so he's not on fire No He's not like

I thought he was like Wearing something That was like fireproof And he'd set that on fire And then he was like Not like the stunt he was like wearing something that was like fireproof and he'd set that on fire and then he was like not like the stunt guys who like what a tiktok dance that'd be like right okay she she married a simone fire dancer are they still married only just like they've only just got divorced 16 years later. She's not seen him for 10.

So she was married to a Samoan fire dancer for six years. Whilst engaged to a Ukrainian bear trainer. Right. You do understand how not true this sounds. These all sound like characters on Tekken. One of them's a capoeira fighter. of them's a panda right okay so what how where was she meeting these men is this a specific dating app for exotic men yeah yeah and what's it called it's called life so what happened is she was working on the cruise ships as a dancer. Yeah. So she met the Samoan fire dancer.

Then that happened. Yeah. Then he moved over here and then got deported because he couldn't get a visa. Yeah. So they went, oh, should we just leave it? Because he's not got enough caps doing fire dancing in the World Cup. Yeah.

He's also like always on fire. So like it's a bit of a go back to samoa yeah and then she was in the circus worked in the circus this sounds like do you know when comedians do like a new routine and you go bullshit and then i got off the bus yeah honest to god my sister was in the circus for years loads of different stuff so she was like a ballet dancer on like like dancing around on like light bulbs and all that and then she was like a magician's assistant and then she was like do you know when they do the silks and

they fucking come down from the ceiling all of them things right and that's where she met the ukrainian bear trainer yeah because you know there would be a ukrain Ukrainian bear trainer in the circus. He had a bear and he had a tiger. But he couldn't train that. No, he could train it. But Ukrainian tiger trainer. But Ukrainian bear trainer. Embarrassing. Yeah, don't go home to your family with that shit.

What are you doing? Training tigers? You're fucking, you're shit, Yevgeny. Yevgeny. Yevgeny. Yevgeny, you're shit. You train bears like grandpa. Like great grandpa.

Not train tigers. No, no, not in my house. Not while I'm paying rent. Fuck you, Yevgeny. That's Andrei Shevchenko, isn't it? Is she still with that guy? Yeah, kind of. On and off?

Yeah. Yeah, because he's in a traveling circus, isn't he? Well, not anymore. But I don't know what you do with a bear at the end. You can't scrap it. What does he do now? He just like works on boats and off. Yeah. Yeah, because he's in a travelling circus, isn't he? Well, not anymore. But I don't know what you do with a bear at the end. You can't scrap it. What does he do now? He just, like, works on boats and that. What does he do on the boat?

Just cleans it, does DIY. You can't go from training bears to fucking cleaning boat windows. Some people just want to settle down. Because he's definitely the guy on the boat who's like, I used to train bears. And everyone's like, of course you fucking did. Yeah, yeah. Of course you did your gob shite.

I used to own the bear. Where does your sister live? She lives in Mallorca. Is she fictional? I don't have a sister. Does she go to another school? So, and a daughter lives with her. Yeah.

Right. So, your daughter is... My sister's daughter. Yeah, your sister daughter lives with her. Yeah. Right. So your daughter is- My sister's daughter. Yeah, your sister's daughter- Yeah. Is half English, half Ukrainian. But sort of half Spanish as well. So she's three halves.

Yeah, she's three halves of the same thing. She speaks fluent English. Yeah. English, her first language. Yeah. Yeah. She speaks Spanish. And Russian.

Yeah. And her dad is a bear trainer or was expert expert trainer and now he's a boat cleaner how's a boat cleaner you're not saying like year four of school where you had to go in and tell everyone about your family and everyone's like she's chatting shit. You're chatting shit, mate. Yeah, all those Mallorcans. You're chatting shit, mate. You're fucking talking nonsense, mate.

What? Imagine if you lived in London for quite a bit of the life. That was meant to be Mancunian. It was meant to be. It meant to be, sorry. Have you got any family members that are exotic like this, Lennon? What does your sister do?

My sister's a teacher. She teaches people how to train pets. What does she teach? Kids. Is she a primary teacher? Like little kids, yeah, primary. Yeah. Have you only got one sibling?

One sibling. Yeah. And a brother. What's he do? He's a cage fighter. He just works a cage fighter. He just works a normal job. Sounds ominous, cause you won't tell us what it is. Do you not fit?

Oh, do you think this is the bit where I'd start holding my cards close to my chest? What's his job? Just works at the Lowry theater doing like outreach to kids that are poor. Oh, that's nice., offering them tickets and stuff. Yeah, yeah,

to the bear fighting. What's this, this animal circus? She's just got a bear and a tiger going to spare. Anyone wants to fucking train them? Oh, it takes a lot

for it to be me that can't keep up with the fucking nonsense on this podcast. You're, this is why I'm allowed in once a year yeah how how have you got so many stories like the first time you're on here both of you by the way yeah two of the

most popular guests we ever had that's why we asked you to do live shows that's why you're one of the very few people we've ever asked to come back on for like a second time we love you here well how have you done a full first appearance on the podcast and not mentioned that you once licked Ellie Gilden out? Then you reveal that on the live show and everyone's like, what? And then you come in and go, by the way, Kevin Spacey says, fuck me.

Actually did Facebook me, mate, while he was asleep. My sister was in the circus. Whoa, whoa, whoa. She was shagging a Ukrainian bass player. And a Samoan fire dancer. Anyway, what's for lunch? But imagine I came on

the first time and you're like, how's things? And I just spaff it all. All out. You're like, are you all right? Are you saving more?

Have you got more? Probably. I've lived a life. I mean, I'm trying to think what else. Were you ever in the circus? So, when I was a kid...

What? My family were, like, in the circus. A bit. You're talking shite. I'm not talking shit. So, my dad used to... I was a baby. I'm not anymore.

Maybe. I can't remember. So, were you ever in the circus? Yeah. Obviously. I think my sister just decided to have her own a car it's a family tradition so my mum didn't do out lazy yeah but my dad my dad my brother my sister and i was young like two yeah so i'd go and they just put an outfit on me and i'd run around and that that was my trick i love that in the circus yeah is that midget two-year-old boy i can't say midget anymore

what'd you say vertically challenged basically challenged yeah but this was the early 90s oh you could be like midget yeah pokemon it's the pokemon so my sister used to do like acrobatics yeah get a leg behind her head

and all that and then but how she got so many men and then my brother did a thing called diablo oh I used to have one of those.

Good, aren't they? On like the string. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, and you throw it up and you start going, way! It's like if you're a kid and you've got no friends, you get given one of those. Is it like a bat and ball on a string? Kind of, but more impressive. So imagine like a...

You roll it along the string. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go like that. You fucking hit the dab when it's in the air. If anyone's listening to this audio. Yeah. They ain't got fucking clue what I'm doing. Yeah.

It's like this. It's impressive though. If you are listening to the audio. Oh my God. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Well waived the admission. YouTube.com slash. That drama school training was not wasted. And then my dad was a juggler. So he worked in a battery factory and he was a juggler. A battery factory?

But he never dropped a fucking battery. Never once in his life. He's like, wait, wait. Do you know how much of a slam your dad's a juggler and makes batteries sound? A battery factory. Your dad drops batteries? Your dad's invented all of his jobs, by the way, when he was little. He's definitely a drug dealer. Oh, working in a battery factory. Who'd your dad drop batteries? Your dad's invented all of his jobs, by the way,

when he was little. He was definitely a drug dealer. Oh, working the battery factory. Oh, I'm a juggler in the circus. How many balls you do? Just four. I think he was a drug dealer. What did he juggle?

Was he just balls and clubs? Balls and clubs? Yeah. What clubs? Clubs like juggling clubs. They look like pins. Yeah, they're like bowling pins. Oh, they look like pins yeah they're like bowling pins

oh they're bowling pins couldn't you do anything bigger he's not like Steve Roy where he's chucking guitars up I mean he probably could

I feel like if I went to circus and your dad was there with just some balls I'd be fuming it was the 90s circuses then were literally just like

oh he's got a red nose and then you go home I've seen the greatest showman that was years ago. They had everything there. Yeah, but bearded ladies weren't allowed in the 90s. It's just not.

I need to see someone juggling on monster trucks or something. Or cars. Have you ever been Cirque du Soleil? Yeah. I have never. Oh my God. It's fucking silly. They're always juggling monster trucks, aren't they?

I just want them to juggle something other than, something that I can't juggle. Juggle balls? A ball. You can't juggle balls. I can juggle balls. No, you can't. I can.

No, you can't. No, I can. I've got packet of crisp. Yeah, go on. Two. No. That's not juggling. That's passing from hand to hand.

Freeze minimums. And you can catch. Sponsored by Poppets. I can do it with two. That's not juggling. That's a production line. Can you do that? Yeah.

Again, audio listeners smashing it. That's a production line. Can you do that? Yeah. Again. Oh, the old listener's smashing it. Oh, you're really bad at that. You're bad at it. Like, there was finesse to mine. I feel like I've just walked into, like, bottom set. Can you juggle your chocolate? Basically, my family's... Can you juggle your chocolate? Basically.

How many balls can your dad play with at once? Well, it was me and my brother. Is it just three? No, we can do that five. That would be shit. Five? No, just you like going. Three balls would be

So shit So what did your mum do Nothing No Just looked after us Right And you were running around Ah

That was you running around And your sister Leg behind the head Yeah And your brother Diablo Okay So what my sister would do

Leg behind the head Fire out the juggling balls My dad would catch them Throw them onto the Diablo I'd pick them all up Where did you fire the juggling balls. My dad would catch them, throw them onto the Diablo. I'd pick them all up. Where did you fire the juggling balls from? Exactly. No.

Ping pong show. I thought you meant she was Sticky Vicky in the juggling balls. Yeah. Manchester's own. So were you in your own circus, like your family? No,

we didn't just do it door to door. So there was other people in the circus right i think it was called something like circus sensible we don't want to juggle anything but balls nice and sensible here make sure no one gets hurt the man who used to run it clive right oh that's that is the showman of circus sensible he sounds exotic as fuck him clive from the circus sensible i've seen him no this is cbb's lad you're talking shit swear to god google circus sensible you'll see it or clive it might have been clive or clive yeah right i've seen him in a park about two months

ago and he was doing do you know when you get like weird non-sea men and he was doing them big bubbles that you put kids in yeah and you're like what are you doing

with them kids and them bubbles you're blowing them back to your house yeah and that's what he does now he just blows Ashton on the line

yeah yeah exists was it just in Ashton as well he didn't travel around yeah he went to different places

oh you're about to say Dinsbury went to Dinsbury? Went to Dinsbury, Charlton, Bury. We played everywhere. We did a lot. He's got plates on sticks as well. Spinning plates?

I forgot about them. Fire one there. Sounds like the shits of circus in the world. Guess, Clyde, on the podcast. Three sticks, couple of plates, your dad's there. What happened? Three balls. But it's circus sensible, on the podcast. Three sticks, a couple of plates, your dad's there. What, I don't want to have three balls. But it's circus sensible, so the plates are paper. Your mum's going to be looking after you,

but you're just doing laps. Your mum's just like, okay. Is my family weird? Yeah. I've only just realised now, because it's normal, isn't it? Whatever your family do yeah normal not normal am i a gypsy yeah yeah i'll fucking fight you yeah we used to do those videos to other circuses

to know there's like you listen here you don't come asking on the line with no fucking big tent renan what someone's left a review here what game is Bash the Bear? Bash the Bear? I really enjoyed Bash the Bear Someone commented On what? On Circus Sensible This was years ago, decades ago Sounds interesting, Bash the Bear

I feel like I'm going to have an aneurysm I feel I need to Get a CBT Find out what happens Did you think it was normal to grow up in a circus am I being insane here no absolutely not

did you grow up in a circus I didn't grow up in a circus I grew up in Newcastle you won in fact can you just weigh in can you ask him a question can you just because I feel like

I'm being out of order for being like your family are insane I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on you I mean I feel like I'm being out of order for being like your family are insane. I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on you. I mean, I feel triggered. And I'm going to go back to the... I don't know what... I can't remember what else there was.

Maybe someone doing like a human pyramid. Come on, just stub there. You might. What? What else? Maybe where I got my love of magic from. You've always been a performer, haven't you, Bren? Always.

Always. You're a circus kid. This is my life. I flopped out my mum's funny. Flopped? Yeah. Third kid. Ah.

Fell out. Fired out of a cannon. Fired out of a cannon that's when i knew came out with an evil kenevil hat on holding two balls yeah i'd add i'd then see the one you've got born into the sunday back then so came out with mum in straight into the circus then became a child actor in heartbeat got non-stop in heartbeat called gay for about 20 years stand up

now podcaster yeah that's my life yeah in six parts wow can we get your life history like just because i feel weird now i feel like i'm from scum okay uh so i uh i was sunroofed out my mom right four operations or six can't remember on the eye none of them worked yeah fucked it even worse than it was to be honest uh went to school for a bit i did quite well at school um famously did really well at school famously on this podcast yes i thought you were on like the big brown plaque do you know what school where like someone's done 100 meters quick um yeah well our school was a sports college so i fit right in you know i mean went straight to the top of sports but thought you know what i'm gonna focus on my academia then fuck that off

uh got into uni lasted about six days uh left to do stand-up never really looked back um yeah that's pretty much it i've had the odd bar job worked in a call center for five days as well right lauren please come up with something weird in your life story now so we need it in a six point plan right there's a lot of alcoholism that i skipped over there see your fellow gypsy so we've got born relatively normal up to 18 then i started stand up at 80 oh no i was in tracy i was an extra on tracy beaker do you know this story no No. Right. So obviously because I look like a fetus, I used to always get the phone calls being like, do you want to come play a nine-year-old? And I was like, okay, it's the benefit of not having tits.

That is the benefit of not having tits. I always get it. Exactly. What a film. What? The benefit of not having tits. It sounds like a Will Smith film. A Will Smith film?

Yeah, like a suit of happiness. Yeah. It's a prequel to that. The perks of being a wallflower, the benefits of being a wallflower. The benefits of being a wallflower. It's just an hour of me crying than 20 minutes of me playing a child.

Harry Robinson's making that DVD cover as we speak. Okay, so how old were you when you were in Tracy Beaker? 18. As a nine year old? I think I was playing

like a 14 year old. Okay. But I got like, it was like the Tracy Beaker spin-off or something that films up Newcastle. I got the phone call and they were like, oh, got oh so i wasn't just an extra you'll appreciate this brennan i was a walk-on part oh so that's like one above extra like what's the difference

they give you it's like a middle 50 it's going from open spot to middle 50 yeah you go from being like nameless scum to like you look cold would you like a jacket and you're like yes please um so I got the phone call what a job they were like it's plain a mugger like it'll just be like sort of a half day's work and I was like yeah yeah brilliant and I'd done like extras work before and I know it's a long day so I turned up obviously like joggers and hoodie like because I knew I'd be sitting about and when I walked in they went oh great you've come dressed and I was like i fucking haven't these are just my normal clothes so i literally just did the thing dressed how i normally dress so you walked in and they went you're here to play scum number three no need for hair and makeup you've uh you've fucked that royally

so it was just me awkwardly running on stealing these carrier bags off some kid and then running away again and then i remember when it came on telly i watched it and it was that moment where i looked down and i was like i'm wearing the same fucking outfit does that exist online it does yeah yeah it's literally like you probably wouldn't know it was me unless you knew it was me sort of thing um it's like a like in the opening like little scene but i was a mugger oh well i'll try and find that show so that so that was you started at 18 yeah got any more to come rest of your life story anything else i don't have just done stand-up and worked in restaurants when you get when you start stand-up so young there's no life to talk about exactly opinions

yeah i have none no that's why i just have breakups yeah get that breakup done get into toxic relationships so that you know it's gonna have a big breakup so you could sell that story how many breakups one right since 18 one two and this is like proper relationships not just like a few days one two three four five six how old are you 27 nine years six yeah yeah 18 months yeah it'll last about a year and a half i think that might be exactly you know every time an ever manager gets sacked lauren's like you're gone too yeah and then they're getting a caretaker boyfriend she's like i'm gonna get someone better than you and then sam allardyce comes in and is like, you're gone too. And then they're getting a caretaker boyfriend.

She's like, I'm going to get someone better than you. And then Sam Allardyce comes in. I'm like, for fuck's sake. Did you shag Rafa Benitez? I don't know who he is. Oh, right. The former Newcastle manager, Rafa Benitez. I mean, I've not got very good standards,

so let's just assume probably. I can't wait to show you the picture of him. Let's have a quick break and then we'll come back. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train yet? Whether you are or you aren't, you should head to supremecbd.uk, one of the official sponsors of the Have A Whip podcast, and get yourself some premium CBD oil product

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and use the special promo code WORD, that's W-O-R-D, you get 30% off every new order and they slide us a little bit of money for sending you their way. That's how sponsorship works. They sponsor the podcast. We push you their way. It's a money game, baby.

But you're going to get money off your CBD. And what's better than money off? Nothing. Go get it. SupremeCBD.UK. If Dan dies, would you throw your hat in the ring as permanent co-host? I'm going to throw his hat in the ring. What a sign of disrespect.

What would you do if I was like, look, we're interviewing for it. Dan's dead. You've got to come and sit on the couch and let me interview you. So I'd be like, why do you want to work here? Sell me this gavel. What, like? Sell me this gavel. Okay.

Now, most people use it this way, but if you want a good time... Hired! We're back on. Carl. Hello. You okay? Yeah.

You looked like you were playing Tetris then. Why? You just looked uninterested in what was going on around you. I was talking to Finn. Yeah, it just looked like you were just doing your own thing. And as the host of this podcast, we have had a chat during the break, and we're going to let you go.

I'm getting everyone fired. You're next, mate. Dan's gone. It's going to be me and Finn fucking sat on a gavel. It's going to be great. Well, you don't get a choice. I'm the boss. Power's gone to my head.

How do we get this up applause I've gone mad stop pressing Dan's button soz Carl have you got some questions for our esteemed guests yes

we've got one from Sean Fraser who's that cunt Seanie Fraser alright lads if you could go back to any three historical events or eras

one to witness one to be a part of and one to change what would they be oh watch be a part of change um i'd go back to you've got to change the holocaust haven't you got it how are you changing it? Have a word with it. Let's say, come on, lad. We've all had the drink. I think that's what happened. Hitler just got fucking worked down.

All put your hands down. Come on. Stop doing the sign. Give him the glasses back. I think, yeah, you stopped the Holocaust. You changed the Holocaust. You at least change it. If you can't stop it, you change it.

Don't do Jews. Do something else. Yeah, but it's still as bad, isn't it? You can't be like, nah, they've had a hard time. But people think you're talking shit because by then they won't have had a hard time because that's not happened. No, but you just go back and you just pick a group of people

that there are less than six million of. Weren't Jews still persecuted before that, though? What? I'm sure Jews were still persecuted before World War II. Apparently so. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know.

We were in a desert for ages, weren't we? We weren't there. Yeah. I don't watch the news. You've got two drama students and a dropout maths degree. We are fucked on history. Okay, so Adam's changing the Holocaust. What are you changing, Lennon?

I would change Henry VIII to not have as many wives. Because it's a lot to fucking remember, isn't it? How would you change it? Would you fuck him? I'd be fit. Yeah, mate. I'd shut out a baby.

And it's a boy. You're welcome. But think of all the kids of future generations who then wouldn't have to learn that stupid fucking rhyme. Divorced, beheaded, died.. Divorce beheaded, died. Divorce beheaded, but he's just like, no, shagged. There we go. Shagged.

That's the rhyme. Shagged. What's the rhyme? Shagged. Come on, year four. What's the rhyme? Shagged. Why would there be a rhyme?

Shagged. You know how to remember how many rhymes you have. Shagged. Taught me through Queen Lauren's life. Right, so you're giving Henry VIII the boy then, so he has to stop shagging people? Yes. Nice.

Well, are you going back to change? You can't change Henry VIII for the Holocaust. I think I'd be doing more selfish reasons. I'd change a bit of my history than the history. Okay. But it's going to be a historical event. It was for me. 2013, I was at Benicassim Festival in Spain.

I'd eaten some food that was rotten and everyone went to the water park and I was ill. Is this why you've got a fishy arse? Yeah, it's a good thing. Honestly, it was so hot to go there. This sticks in my mind as the biggest regret. And I just couldn't make it to the Port-au-Luz. So I just put my legs in a Lidl bag and just let the world out of me.

Pooed in a Lidl bag. Not even poo. I weed out my ass in the Lidl bag. Tied it up. Threw it over there. And then a few days later when everyone's packing their stuff down, there was some Geordie lads who were a fucking nightmare. They're like, have we fucking got everything?

Yeah, fucking got everything.ads who were a fucking nightmare. They're like, we got fucking got everything. And we're like, yeah, fucking got everything. Fucking, fucking fuck. And then I think that's- Am I right? Am I right? Yeah. Get out. Get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out. Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking. And then one of the lads was like, there's a fucking little bag over there. And they were like, oh, none at all. They opened it and someone went

fuck it fuck none of that and that's one of my biggest regrets shitting in a bag so you'd change that yeah would you change what would you change

what you ate or the bag you used the bag I used Aldi that's Aldi Ikea the big Ikea one one of them blue ones

I'd need one of them so holocaust came with the eighth shitting yourself at a festival sounds bad done it when you went for the good one and i went for something like that yeah the good one the next one is what would you like to be a part of it which part yeah Al-Qaeda you want to join Al-Qaeda and go back

20 years you know like double agent here we've all had a drink and just be like maybe we shouldn't do those towers maybe we should do real sun centre. And it closed.

Let's just do a loop-de-loop, lads. Yeah. Woo! Yeah. Just write death to the west in the sky with a plane. Let's not attack the economic symbol of the United States. Oh, let's just do it. I'll just be in Al-Qaeda.

And then I've got respect, at least. If I planned that. Do you know what I mean? there'd be a group of people who'd be like you know who's the best at terrorism Adam Rowe oh yeah because we all

remember their names don't we do you remember the guy's names Salah bin Laden he wasn't the one you fucking knob it oh we all remember them, don't we? Oh, is it fucking Bin Laden or something?

Obama Bin Laden? I can't even remember. Saddam what? What was his name? Mohammed Sutton? I know that's ridiculous. The chief hijacker, Bin Sutton. I've seen a documentary about it, actually.

I think it was Durka, Durka, Durka, Mohammed Jihad. Google says it was Durka, Durka. Yeah, it was. Durka, Durka Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad Google says it was Durka Durka yeah it was Durka Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad was the chief team of medical

police he doesn't know the reference I do know the reference but then for a split second I thought

is that his actual name Muhammad Jihad Lauren we're historical muhammad jihad lauren which historical event would you like to be a part of you can't have 9-11 that was my first choice i wanted to be the plane get on me batman i'm going over there come on I'm going over there come on

what is what we don't want to be a part of like a big fight but not a war a big fight but not a war 1066 that one what is that you want to be a part of the battle of hastings I want to ride a horse you could do that anyway

but like with purpose I don't just want to tr a horse you could do that anyway but like with purpose I don't just want to trot around a field be a fucking jockey then yeah run the Grand National yeah run the Grand National there's a

the first female jockey to ever win yeah was it the Grand National yeah this year and she won Cheltenham as well didn't she yeah she smashed it

I wish she also got a stab some cut while she was doing that could be the first Geordie woman to win the Grand National. Well done, pet. And it is your pet, horse. Exactly.

Nice. Got a bow on that there. Well done. Which one do you want to be a part of? I think I'd like to be a part... Do you remember in the 70s when they were just like, it was a summer of love

when everyone was just shagging with long hair and that? You just want to come and do drugs, don't you? Yeah. Brennan's hand in the breakup well. I just want to be loved. I just want to go back in time and have sex. I just want someone to hold me. Yeah, like Woodstock and that.

I just want some Woodstock. Yeah, it was just loads of people who looked like they were off robot wars, just shagging. People die at Woodstock, though. Yeah. Yeah, but it wouldn't be me. Oh, yeah, because you're not real you've just gone back

I've just gone back I can't die you can't kill this shit nice and the last one is just witness Hiroshima yeah

I don't I just get to see it don't I you can google it though it's not like actual video footage is there I've seen there i've seen i've seen the shadow of a victim of hiroshima in hiroshima what do you mean i went to hiroshima

and in the museum there's a like a big paving slab and when it hit the person just got turned into dust i don't really know what it is it was like the big bomb it was an atom bomb that ended the first world war what wasn't it it was an atom bomb that ended the First World War. What? Wasn't it? Is that right? It was the catalyst of the Second World War, of them going, oh, shit.

Because Japan was on Germany's side. But, like, it was horrendous. Like, horrendous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get to see it, though. I didn't know Japan was involved in the war. Do you know what Pearl Harbor is? A very nice film, but I've never seen it.

They were involved in it. They attacked America. How did they get Japan involved? Because everyone surely knew that Germany was like, they're the fucking wrong ones. They've got the spikes on their ass and they've got like skulls and that. They're Vikings then, aren't they? Yeah, theandinavian guys do you think people join the war based on sartorial elegance their uniforms lovely i'm on their side like

picking a horse in the grand national league if you look back there's clues to who's the good guys and who's the bad guys one side was killing jewish people and the other side wasn't. No, but I mean even how they looked. Yeah, but didn't the Nazis wear Hugo Boss? They did wear Hugo Boss. That's where a lot of people drew the line. They're like, I can deal.

I can deal with the genocide. Obviously, who hasn't done a genocide when a Christen's got out of hand? We all get a bit tipsy every now and then. All right, well, I can't deal with those shoes. Don't match that belt. That's me, that. I'll be like, no.

That's why I'm not religious. All the hats are down. Japan were naughty in the Second World War. How naughty? They were Nazis. They crashed planes into Pearl Harbor. That's pretty naughty. Which meant America then went,

oh, we're going to fire. What's it called? Kamikaze. Kamikaze. That's it. All right. Never heard of kamikazes? I've heard of kamikazes.

Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't know that was from that. Not the shot. I thought they shouted as the plane went down. Kamikaze! Is it really? Yeah.

You could hear it. I don't know whether I'm being done here. Yeah, he's chatting shit. Oh. Oh, no. He didn't shout kamikaze as he went down. I mean, who was there to know? No one can tell

And some people survived And they're like So what happened They're like I just ate a Kamikaze Kamikaze Kamikaze Couldn't ever play it

You heard a whistle I've learnt a lot here Can you hear that whistle In the ocean P&L Cruz Japan were horrible What were they gonna gain from the winning the war allies just makes me germany yeah yeah because they basically back the wrong course

germany doing well weren't they like they were taking over yeah they were doing good yeah doing good honest way but why don't i know what i don't know why this turned into a historical podcast why don't we all be like do you know when like when you see in the football you see the german flag you're like because it looks a bit yeah yeah when we see japan why is everyone's not like fucking japan because there are a lot of people who are like that are they yeah yeah oh yeah there's like like old british and american men who like refuse to like eat sushi joe and i went to the sorry for stepping on that when i went to the world i'm not lying though they're like i'm not i don't want anything to

do with them they walk past like yo sushi like sushi? Like, yeah. More like, no sushi. I'm a right lad. They do, though. Like, they hate them. And Italy were the same, weren't they? When I went on Germany's side as well. When I was in Hiroshima. What? What? Are you?

Do you know nothing? None of your grandparents were racist. I was a gypsy circus boy. We knew. We stuck together. When I was in Hiroshima, I felt very stared at. Because people thought, because there's not many British expats. People when I was in Hiroshima I felt very stared at because people thought

because there's not many British expats people thought I was American and they're like we don't like you yeah well I reckon I need to do some googling

I got that last week in Bella Italia as well people thought you were American yeah and they didn't like you don't like you what'd he say?

Say the silver moon walked in But yeah So what would you go back and witness? I choose a Russian Where are you watching it from as well? Just above Just above? You dropped the bomb

I just get to witness it don't I? Yeah but you're not all seeing it Yeah you're not God You've got to be somewhere You could drop the bomb and just look Oh, don't I? Yeah, but you're not all seeing it, are you? You're not God. You've got to be somewhere. You could drop the bomb and just go out, does it? I don't want to be responsible. You can't just sit.

If you were there, you'd be dead. Well, mostly, anyway. You'd want to be far enough away that you could see it, but all you get is, do you know when it does the... The mushroom cloud. And all you get is this. Your hair just does that, so you've been a part of it. No, I don't want to be a part of it. I just want to witness it

you just watch the telly then you can't be a part of nuclear holocaust because you would die okay then Liverpool winning their 4th European Cup instead first

I mean quite similar in torn aren't they no Japanese what about you, Lola? What are you going to witness? Coliseum, like gladiators. That'd be sick, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That'd be sick. It would be like the big market in Newcastle, but with lions. Fucking sick. Lions instead of drunk women. Yes. If anything, it would be tame. Lions instead of you.

Me. Imagine that outside of fucking Takeaway, and then someone, the kebab owner comes out. Kill with a private stiletto. Some Turkish fella in Newcastle city ends up eating the shit out of a joke. Are you not entertained? What are you picking, Bren?

I'd like to see, do you know, is it Guantanamo Bay when they're doing the dances and they've all been taught how to do the big dances uh like the flash dance thing yeah but in the prison uh or is it like south korea i think it was i think it was uh a chinese prison yeah yeah i want to go and watch that live right yeah such a theater kid a bunch of answers i'm like i'm five six seven no one's picking like the building of the pyramids, no? We've got about them. Dancing prisoners.

I've got Lego. Oh, no, that's where I'd go and change. Like, do squares. Oh, can't slide down them. There's loads of films in here. Do squares. More space. I should go further up.

What would you do? What would you go and witness? I'd go and witness the pyramids being built It'd be boring though wouldn't it? Watching it How long are you spending watching that? The fella putting the thing on the top then Then you have to witness the pyramids being built

Finish then I'd just go and watch someone put an ass on But not a Nazi one I'd probably go and watch someone put an ass on Are you going to watch that because it's the spectacle of it or so they

I want to know what happened I want to know who did it and how do you think it was them big doubled sized giants do I think giant people built the pyramids yeah

no I think they had technology that doesn't exist anymore oh what like iPod nanos like the iPhone 14 i think they had stuff that was further what we've got in terms of engineering and like i don't mean like like this i i agree with you and there's no real logical explanation for why i believe it

do you know what i mean yeah yeah like i think they are better stuff than we've got but i i don't know why yeah because don't all the pyramids point up to the stars and like there's above the tombs there's bits of stone that their size and height up it's impossible to lift with like the pulleys they added that like some of it's impossible every pyramid made with that stone on earth if you take a picture of it from high enough it says aliens imagine how good

they'd be at Flatpack so fast well they might have done it like they'd lifted the big stones but do you remember light as a feather

stiff as a board you could lift your mates up oh yeah yeah yeah you never do that what we weren't in the show. That's what happened

for the earlier bit. No, it's what we'd all do and you'd get someone laid down on a table and you'd all shove two fingers underneath and you'd all go, there's a feather,

there's a board. Next thing, they're fucking up there. We play FIFA and they're the bevy. Oh, right. Oh. Back me up, Lauren.

I know what you mean. Because there's loads of people lifting a team's sick. Well, but only with two fingers. Yeah, but loads of two know what you mean because there's loads of people lifting it seems sick well but only with two fingers yeah but loads of two fingers yeah but there's not 16 of us just me and three girls you've never done light as a feather stiff as a board no we yeah no what were you doing in your childhood well i wasn't in my childhood how old were you like 10 i vaguely remember this so you and three other 10 year old girls put two fingers each under someone who was laying down

you could open up yeah not leanne taylor though she were massive whatever that's a real name yeah big unit magic's got limits well that was a wonderfully stupid question have you got any more one more and then we'll do a have a word Yeah Keep talking while I find it Because I thought that was all I have to do Just opening it Okay Keep making noises for the people

Okay this is from Harry Robbo. Always. Always the fucking goat. Adam's proven already he's adept at childcare with his use of the cage. Yep.

The cage method. And there's a gap in the market for a new super nanny. If you were all employed as the new super nanny and had to go into people's homes and tell them

how to discipline their little shits, how would you each go about it lauren oh so you're a dog mummy though so you've got some experience yeah but i like my dog better than i've liked any child like i look at my dog and i'm like i could never kick him and i look at a child and i'm like i could cause some harm like they're not your kids i think everyone even even people who've got kids want to kick other kids i'm very maternal like do i give off maternal vibes i don't think i do no you don't she doesn't know does she no absolutely not do you want kids though i do but i would kind of like someone else to raise them and then i can maybe have them when they're

nice and then get rid of them when they're teenagers again right so you want a kid for six months yeah you want a kid on loan i just want a babysit for a little bit you want a kid when they're like sort of 21 they're not quite breaking into the first team yes that's it that's when i want to go down to a lower league mum you know when sometimes you get at this age and you think ah i think i could have kids and then all i've got in my fridge at the minute is four lunchables and a pepper and i'm like i can't have kids that's perfect for kids oh i wouldn't be four lunchables and a pepper do you want kids yeah but like not now and i'm 34 and i look at my mates who have kids now and i go i'm a bit young that i want to be like not like people are getting older when they're having kids aren't they I'd be like Des O'Connor 72

popping out a dusty baby gone because you've got to gauge it right because you can't be too old that you know comes out wrong dusty cum but I don't want one now because you imagine me as a dad

could you I can imagine you turning into one I can't imagine you as one now. Could you imagine me as a dad? Yeah. Could you? Yeah. I can imagine you turning into one. I can't imagine you as one now. And I'd be like, right, we'll go in the circus. I'm like, say again? Yeah. Go and see what granddad does.

He's fucking juggling car batteries. Stay with us too, Bob. I'm good with kids, though. Like, I've got nieces and nephews. I'm great with kids. There's a difference, though, isn't there? Giving them back after you've had them for an hour is an hour what i really love doing is going to paul smith's house and riling his two children up and then leaving yeah yeah it's great i'm that auntie

you just it's all the sugar in the world let's have a fight bye yeah what was the question uh if you were super nanny what discipline techniques what would you do to help people give them a smack like naughty kids little shits I think the cage is the way forward I stand by it is it like a puppy cage yeah

yeah but a smaller one that's just big enough for the child oh so they can't move how long are we putting the kid in

until it agrees to until it agrees it was wrong does it not grow exponentially like when your phone locks every time you get it

wrong it's locked for an hour just put it in until it stops crying and then you go gonna behave come out a little shit again

back in the cage or is it like a saw trap where the longer they're in there it just contracts and it's like we better stop behaving

or you're gonna be there's knives on the side of it as well like your robot like a final level of Tomb Raider but I agree with you a good crack

never affected me bring back smacking anyway we all got smacked as kids like on the legs

and stuff yeah slap the back of the legs I can slap on the back of the legs back of the legs I once slapped

my mum once back she likes that though doesn't she Not in the face though Imagine if she went Imagine I was about 13

I told my mum to fuck off And she slapped me in the face. And I went, so I slapped her back. And then I didn't get her proper. I got like, you know, sometimes when you don't quite,

when you're not looking at the elbow. Yeah. So I got her and then I got, I did it again, but full on, fuck off. You went for round two.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, like a nosebleed? Yeah. One of them. On the cheek. Fucking, like Dowson or whatever he's called a street fighter

give him one of them and my mum was so shocked and I've never seen my dad move so quick he vaulted up off the sofa

I ran through the back garden jumped over the fence he just started throwing juggling balls at me do I have never sworn in front of my mum not once in all of my years never swore in front of

my mom i've sworn behind the back you've sworn you've sworn in front of my mom yeah behind the back thank you for getting me there what she said why why aren't you sworn in front of your mom uh she doesn't like it so it's just respecting? She doesn't like it, so I was just respecting her. Maybe she does like it, though. She said she doesn't. Yeah, but maybe that's her king. I'm not going to swear. Yeah, I'm going Cage. That's my answer.

Cage and smacking. Smack your kids. Put them in cages. Smack your kids. That would be such a short episode of Super Nanny, wouldn't it? Just smack them. Which one is it?

The eight-year-old, oof, credits roll. The little addendum at the end, sadly, Johnny died from his injuries. Okay. Let's have a win. I've got two here. Probably only have time to do one.

Because this has been a bumper, bumper episode. Lauren, I'm going to give you the option. Do you want a stand-up-y one or a thievery one? A what one? A thievery? Yeah. Or thievery.

Okay, so this is from Anonymous. Eh? Coward. You'll see why. Hiya, babes, in Dan's camp voice. Please keep me anonymous, but I want you to have a word, either with me for being a bit gullible or to a thieving rat. I went out at the weekend with work.

This included another team who I don't really know. So, you know, when you work for a big company, they put you all together, blah, blah, blah. When it came to the end of the night, my phone was nowhere to be found. It was only our work lot in the area. So we asked everyone to check, see if they've accidentally picked it up.

No one claimed to have it. We tried phoning, but it was on silent and it just rang out. My bank card was in the back. So i immediately rang the bank and blocked it i got home and used fire my iphone we located the street we went and knocked there uh oh they sent like the message to come up on fire my iphone as well yeah and you know they they switched it off on the third attempt someone answered and then it away. My partner said he could see the name in the street, and if they told us what number house, they would go and collect the phone. When we got there, it was a member of the other team that answered the door. They opened the door, said, I'm so pissed, and gave them the phone back.

Bank card was not in the phone case. So she said, go and have a look in your house. They went in and come back out with the bank card, so they took out the phone. The following day, I got a message saying they don't know how i ended up with it and so sorry about that i'd like to think it was an honest drunken mistake my partner and friends think they took it on purpose and the fact my bank card wasn't in the back proves that what do you think should you have a word with me for trusting them or have a word with them for being a thief shithouse behavior yes you think they stole it i think they stole it yeah absolutely you ever had anyone you've

worked with steal something from you yes we had this one time i'm wearing in the bar um and we kept our tips in like a little cup and like weren't in a bar you made like what like four pence tips or something but i'd had a good night i'd made actually knew what you were fucking doing this was uh 2014 back in the day and i made five whole pounds buying the bar one night and i was like sweet that's my taxi home and then it disappeared conveniently someone had moved the glass to where there was no cameras and it disappeared and nobody like obviously owned up to it and a few days later this lad he um his tips went missing and he had like say like a fiver again or something and then one of the girls conveniently found five pound by the bins and

was like oh there's your tips back. And I was like, it's you. It's you. It's got to be you. Did you ever prove it? Couldn't prove it. Couldn't prove it. It was like quite a shitty pub.

So the CCTV was just like a fucking disposable camera in the corner. Did your dad ever lose his juggling balls at work? I mean, he didn't lose them. But there was this pesky little guy. Have you ever had anything stole off you? I once caught a thief. So me and my ex. Which one?

Big nipples? No, not big nipples. Saggy ass. No, not saggy ass. Not the cunt. Massive fanny. Not the massive fanny. Almost a lazy eye.

The one we share a dog with. Yeah. Yeah, we all share a dog with. So we were walking down the main street in Manchester and then she went, oh, look, there's a hot dog thing. Hot dog stall. And then I just looked down and someone's hand went into a pocket. I went, have you got your phone?

She went, no. I'd just seen this woman. This woman. We don't need descriptions. That says enough. Walking off. And I just grabbed her by the arm and I went,

no! And she turned around and she had this jacket. The phone was in it. She went, oh, sorry. Gave me the phone back. And then plainclothes police

tackled her to the floor. It was fucking great. She was like, she was going, please let me, let me off. My sister did something similar. Not you,

you're Italian. I know what you've done during war. She's like, please, let me off. My sister did something similar. Not you, you're Italian. I know what you've done during the war. She's like, please, what about my family? When my sister was in Greece, you know, when you get like the gangs of street kids. I'm so glad you didn't make her Japanese there, by the way. My sister got her, like, this was back in the days of cameras, got her camera stolen by like a kid.

So, you know, they're obviously working for a gang or whatever. Probably very sad. But my sister's like hard as fuck. my sister just chased this kid down the street and i was like what must that look like some poor little greek child just running and it's like jordy lass running after being like come back here i caught a thief in edinburgh so do you know my room in the caves so there's two sides to it isn't there there's the room bit and then the bit where the bar is yeah so that's where i would wait before the show and my agent would sometimes just come and lash her bag down yeah they're always there for the start of your show it was jen oh yeah and she'd put her bag and her jacket down and then there was a guy who quite clearly wandered in

with the crowd and he was just sat near jen's bag so she went over i mean oh excuse me can i just take that and he's a bit sort of drunk and stumbly and I went check you've got everything and she wouldn't have otherwise and she went yeah he's got me

he's got me purse and my phone so I sprinted after him and he sprinted away and I'm slowly catching him up but then two lads who see what's going on

are like ahead of me what's going on and I was like he's robbed so I was just about to catch him but they just tripped him and he just went flying.

So I got to stuff and he went, all right, you can have it back. You can have it back. You can have it back. And my agent, I went to her, what do you want to do?

She was like, I want him arrested. So he got arrested and then they were going to go to court, but nothing got done. That's the problem. Nothing gets done. It's because it's not worth the time,

is it? I caught her teeth in hot water. Did you? Yeah. I had a new member of staff start, a girl. first night she went to toilet with a phone and left the phone in the toilet came back out like an hour later she's like oh don't know where my phone is looked around the barn where did you last have it she went in the toilet so she went in the toilet toilet was empty and i was like the show had already started so i said announcement a member

of staff's lost the phone can you please keep your eye out for it blah blah blah so i kept ringing it and walking around the theater to see if i could hear anything and i could hear a buzz but i just couldn't locate it because it was in the dark i was like i need to do searches here but i don't want to like accuse anybody so on the way out i said to the bouncers i want you to do a bag check and a search of every man on the way out for like alcohol or like glass like oh there's a new rule you can't have glass on harpen street and we found the phone in someone's bag and she went to oh um that that's my second work phone that it looks exactly the same like well i said the announcement like three times a member of staff's lost the phone. You know that's her phone.

And she was adamant about it. I'll call the police then. Get them down. She went, oh, she can just have it. I went, yeah, she can just have it. Oh, my God. What a horrible, horrible cunt. To wrap up the other way,

they defo, defo, defo robbed her. And there's nothing you can do about it. I think because they were like a rival team, they were just going to take loads of fucking bollock pics and then like slide it back onto our desk the next day. And she's like, oh, look, my phone's there. And then it's just full of bollock. Yeah.

All that. All that. I think it's that. Now you've said it, I think it's that. Full of bollock. Bollock drop. And the only reason they took the card out is just to put it next to the knob for perspective.

Just to give it some leverage. Do you know what? If someone's getting a picture of my bollocks, they can fucking pay for it. Swipe down on the eyes at them. Two pounder bollock, I think you'll find. Oh, that is a very bumper episode of a podcast with No Dan Nightingale.

Funeral arrangements will be announced soon. It will be a public funeral. Thanks for coming in. Thanks for having us. Where can everyone find you um so i'm on instagram at brennan reese there we go twitter at brennan reese facebook brennan reese lauren where can they find you not in morrison's anymore where are you working now in In a restaurant Is it the Morrison's Cafe? Oh no We do pizzas Yeah

What restaurant are you working in? It's in Gateshead A little family restaurant You don't want to say the name In case people follow you Exactly Okay Where can they actually follow you

The way you would encourage it? They follow me on Twitter At Lauren Patterson And Instagram At Lauren underscore Patterson Wow Is Lauren Patterson taken? at Lauren underscore Patterson. Wow. Is Lauren Patterson taken?

It must have been. Bastards. I'm Adam Rowe Comedy on Twitter. And I'm Adam Rowe Comedian and everything else. Because I was always doing Adam Rowe Comedy. But then it was, I lost the login to Adam Rowe Comedy on Instagram. I couldn't get it back. So I had to change it to Comedian.

So now it's different on different things. But you know where to find me. And if you don't by now, it's your own fucking fault. We have got a lot of extra content over on patreon.com slash haveawaypod. We've got the ghost stunts. We've got three previous lockdown lock-ins.

And there is another lockdown lock-in coming this month with the unbelievable Stephen Tries. Patreon.com slash haveawaypod. Three quid a month as the minimum thing. There's over 4,000 people there now. Don't miss out on any of the best stuff

we produce thanks to these two for coming in fuck you fuck you ma shag your nan who gives a fuck what you think

can you press that button please no apologise I'm sorry properly I'm sorry that you feel that that was upsetting