Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #128 with James English - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 12, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. All right, lads, before we start this week's episode, I'm here to tell you about our latest sponsor, CoinCorner.com.

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how the pod game works, okay? That's what we want you to do now we've got to say this when you invest in cryptocurrency it's like stocks and shares your capital is at risk don't invest anything you can't afford to lose be safe don't be a fucking dickhead now let's get back to the pod how many times in your 10 day of isolation have you done a scouse accent to yourself? Because you've certainly been enjoying it since you've been back in the room for the past half an hour or so. Well, you were here before us.

You like a little Scouse accent, don't you? My guns are now to you. You know what I mean? All right, lads. Carl does some absolute fucking zingers on this podcast and we keep getting tweets going, what the fuck? Why is no one listening to Carl? He's absolutely dropping fucking great lines uh which i'm sure he does but when

you're hosting a podcast and i've got to listen to adam and then there's guests and everything carl just gets to sit back in the reads and be like yeah i thought of something funny and then he just gets to drink so carl is very funny and i apologize carl if I don't hit all of the absolute fucking corkers you drop but it's very funny because you drop so much shit as well when you drop an absolute dad joke like lordy you like Goodison round here it really makes me laugh

how are you? I'm not amazing but I am negative though we need luck for Covid in case anyone complains to Ofcom I'm not amazing But I am Negative though You've passed We need Look for For Covid

In case anyone complains To Ofcom You know Why would they complain To Ofcom People do And people are upset I've had people email

And go come on dad You're milking this now Back you go Like Fucking 10 days You're absolutely It's actually 12 days Because Laura tested

Positive as well So It would have so it would have been i would have been out on tuesday maybe wednesday no tuesday and uh so laura fucking got it as well the whole house has had it it's awful even etta's had it but we just didn't test there's no point so laura made up her own test for a four-year-old etta's got a habit of just walking in the bathroom to tell you a load of nonsense doesn't matter what you're doing

showering shitting she's like daddy I am a princess and unicorns fly and you're like I'm mid-dump

give me some fucking privacy she'd only ever do that once with me yeah oh daddy but then she does she goes

oh stinks you're like yeah it's a bathroom. I'm not coming in your room and have a shit on the carpet. You've walked in the bathroom while I'm mid-shit to go, Daddy, unicorns, oh, that smells. And so Laura's like, I'm going to do my own little test,

my little COVID test on my daughter here. Waited till she was having a shit, went, Etta, can you come here? Can you smell popcorn? Etta walked in and went, no, I can't smell anything. And Laura was mid-shit. So that was the test of if Etta's got it. So she lost her sense of smell completely.

So I wasn't there for that, but I would have absolutely loved to see Laura be like, babe, can you smell popcorn? So your wife invited your daughter into the bathroom to see if she could smell the shit she was having. Yeah. I tell you what, you know if we run out of lateral flow tests again,

you could definitely use me for that. I could finally become useful to the government. I could just have a shit in the middle of Pearl City Centre and just have people come up and sniff me arsehole and if they're like ain't not bad that lad in a room or in a precinct in the middle of the precinct

St John's shopping centre wouldn't be Liverpool one bit better than that can't use my Viscount method now what's the Viscount method you've both forgotten that already when I thought of that I'd eat a Viscount biscuit? You've both forgotten that already. Yeah. I used to, when I thought of that, I'd eat a Viscount biscuit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, yeah, I do remember now. Because they're stanky minty. Yeah, because they're really, and I'm like, oh, if I can taste this, I'm sweet. Oh, it's horrible losing your sense of taste and smell. Have you got a backyard? Smells, not, my taste is coming back. I had a KFC yesterday,

and I could, like, taste quite a lot of it. Laura's fuming because her taste hasn't come back yet but it affects different people in different ways but not being able to taste hot sauce on a fucking kfc is a weird feeling so i can't get me everyone obviously for the passion yeah we've dodged the virus until you had to go and get it from somewhere or someone's lauren patterson um you got it from somewhere or someone is all i'm saying it was i don't think it could have been her it wasn't lauren but it was funnier to be like it's funnier to say that it was there um i accused her of it to her face when she sat there um but everyone mentions the uh the loss of taste and

smell and stuff and that's the one thing I can't get my head around. So does everything just taste like water for the week? No, you can, because texture is, texture's a big thing. Lumpy water then. No, like, so I had a Diet Coke. Also, you don't want to drink loads of other stuff. Like, I got, I started coughing on the Sunday last week, and then got, so I was where we were.

We were in Preston the night before, and I started coughing, and then I got, like, achy fucking back down the sides, and then I got really shivery. Laura, we did a test, and I was in bed for two days. That first two days was horrible, like a terrible hangover, splitting headache. And then I started feeling a bit better

and that's when my taste went. And like, you don't want to drink loads of different stuff. This is the first energy drink I've had in 12 days. Partly because I was like, oh, I'm not drinking them anymore. And then you're like, I'm tired. I need it. But you try and drink a Diet Coke

and you can taste, like it's weird. You know the bubbles are like part of the taste. Like it's a strange thing to try and describe, but it tastes like the worst. You know in a pub where the gun, the pop gun's gone. Yeah, yeah. And like the syrup's not working. Yeah.

A can of Diet Coke tastes like that. You know you're drinking Diet Coke, you can feel that it's fizzy and there's a certain like tang to it still, but you just can't taste the flavour. Water's just what you want to go for because you feel ill, but like I just got bored of,

it's just horrible. So yeah, nothing tastes good, but at the same time, your appetite's not great either. But that's secondary really that's like detailed to the fact that you feel like shite and like the infection rate's going through the fucking roof we're about to be completely let like nightclubs no one's asked about masks now the government are just going do what you fucking want if you're an anti-vaxxer buckle up for that

like it's not if you've taken the stance of i'm an anti-vaxxer i'm not doing vaccines that there's already 25 000 people a day getting it if everyone's in nightclubs in a couple of weeks it will be a hundred thousand people a day now i get the argument that what you're going to do hide from it you can't hide from it from forever also people who've been double vaccinated aren't going to die the hospitalization should be down we should avoid lockdowns. I get it. But if you're an anti-vaxxer, you'll end up doing what I just did,

which was through faffing about and thinking you can be clever by going, maybe I can not get COVID and not get the vaccine. And then the Delta variant spiked. I was like, oh, I need to book this in. Tried to figure it out so it was around gigs and podcast records so I wasn't ill that day and ended up getting COVID four days before my first vaccine and riding that out with no vaccines at 40 I'm not old am I like I know we take the piss but I'm not like death old like I think it's basically 60 and above you're in

a real mess but holy shit that was horrible like it was fucking awful i wouldn't wish that on anyone was it worse than any source of like cold or infection you've ever had i've i've never been that ill i've never been that ill through a virus or a cold or flu there was about the time you had aids apart from aids but then i was fucking so many men at the time i was like it was worth it do you know what i mean like in af, living my best life, you know, Lady Smith, Black Man Barzer, come everywhere. I just enjoyed it. You know what I mean?

Like, you know. You went somewhere we didn't think to go there. I think that's just pent up. Ten days. Pent up. And I wasn't here! African age, just banter. Everyone just loved it.

It's honestly my favourite thing to do banter in college. Like, ooh, God, bloody hell. So, yeah, just if you want to do the anti-vaxx thing, that's absolutely fine. But this is going to spread like wildfire in the next couple of months. I would, yeah, just be careful because it's fucking horrible.

Yes. Well, don't you want to go to Corfu? Yeah. Yeah. So that's partly you've got to play the game on that I'm going to ask can I have the Pfizer

I've had an AstraZeneca I think I'm going to get a Pfizer mixing your drinks yeah yeah I'm going to mix them up apparently that's better yeah I read that as well yeah I think

you've got like a bit of both yeah if you've had it and then you get the pick and mix although I read that did you read that yesterday on Twitter

or the day before yeah they're on a bus stop someone had written it in their own chest oh right god you're really nicking nicks Madonna

nothing in here yeah they're very informative aren't they shit writers on bus stops hey I love you

why don't you just get it tomorrow what just get it tomorrow I'll see I booked mine and got it 20 minutes later Like

Did you get to pick which one No cause I'm I'm under 30 So it's It was just Pfizer And you'll be Pfizer Cause you're under 30 Cause you don't wanna get blood clot

But er You can still get it Can't you You can get fucking You can If you've got Wes Morgan was the doctor if you've got- Where's Morgan, who's the doctor?

If you've got- Don't wanna get blood clod. Where's Morgan? Jamaican, innit? There's Jamaican I can think of. I don't even think there's a face. It's really funny. The first Jamaican, think of a Jamaican.

Where's Morgan? Where's Morgan? Where's Morgan? What about Usain Bolt, eh? I don't know why he plays centre back but let's erm yeah

you can still get it can't you my mother-in-law's double jabs she's already had Covid she's had two jabs she got it off me

and she was in she was in bed with it so it's just it's not good is it how old is she though it's not good she's 148

yeah she smashed it there, then. Yeah. I actually gave it her on purpose, on it, you know? Inheritance. Just get it tomorrow, Adam. I'll go with you.

I might do. I'll drive you there, and I'll just... Do it! I'm going to lose you! Go with the Aussie, because then I felt safer in the Aussie, because it was an Aussie environment

rather than, like, fucking the bus stop where they're doing it. I'll see. All right. I'll see how I feel. He's going to have a think, all right? He's going to have a think. We've missed you, you know? I've really missed being here.'s gonna have a think alright he's gonna have a think we've missed you you know

I've really missed being a it's been a it's been odd it has having to drive this fucking train on my own didn't like it

I've mentioned it with my friends we didn't do this but yeah I can you have you listened to the episodes that you've missed

I've I've started listening. You know what's really annoying? Laura's been walking around the house pissing herself at you and Brendan. He was good. Yeah, so it's a funny thing because you feel so miserable.

And I am so invested in this doing well. I love some of the fucking abuse I got. Like, fucking, hold on was someone even commented on twitter like i don't think you even need the other one you're like oh mate but there's loads like literally loads of support and everything but because you're just feeling miserable it's a weird like balance of like i want the pod to do well i want it to do well in my absence you want it to be jealous yeah you want it to be the worst episode in weeks but still not shit it's such a stranger because when paul smith came on the first

time to cover me everyone was like yeah that went great that's fine and then freddie come on and everyone's like yeah freddie did a good job but everyone's like fucking brother was great and i was like was he that good and then to have my wife wandering around going, God, so funny. Fuck off. Smelly bitch. Smell my fucking popcorn. So, yeah, I'm really glad it went well, but I was so miserable.

I was like, I want it to be like all right, but not great. It still wasn't the same it's like as good as Brennan did a good job he really did I reckon Finn put his flag on the ground said he thinks Brennan was the best co-host so far Carl agreed with him absolutely

I feel sort of too close to the elephant to make that judgement I always feel like the episodes go one way or another or whatever so I don't know too Too close to the elephant? Never heard that phrase before? Is that a phrase? You've never heard that phrase before?

If you're standing too close to an elephant you can't tell it's an elephant because it's there. Can't see the big picture. You've never What? I don't know

what the fuck this is but it's grey and massive. I can't see a fucking thing. These three people don't know what they're saying. I mean, I've heard elephant in the room. I'm too close to the fucking elephant, lad.

That's mad. Three people out of five don't know what they're saying. I heard it from a Dave Chappelle special. Alright. It makes sense. It's the wood for the trees, isn't it? Yeah. What's that? Can't see the wood for the trees. What's that? We't see the wood for the trees. What's that?

The same. We are saying the same shit, but yours is like, can't see if I'm too close to the fucking elephant, lad. There's shit on my foot, but I can't see if it's a fucking elephant or a smelly wall. Is this a big, smelly, grey concrete wall? Oh, no, shit. It's a fucking elephant.

You can't see the wood for the trees because you're so close to the forest. Hang on. You can't see the wood. You can't see the wood. You can't see the wood. Yeah, because it... You can't...

Yeah, you're so close. All you can see is trees. You can't see the wood. As in the forest. I don't get it. It's the same. Yeah. No, I know that one.

I'm just joking. I can't believe you've never heard two quotes from the elephant. Yeah, you can't see the woods because the trees are in the way. That's it, isn't it? Can't see the rest of the elephant because it's too close to the elephant. It stole my head, didn't it? But he doesn't know it What's the percentage

What's three out of five Is a percent Sixty Sixty percent of this room Don't know That's it Listen it makes You don't have to use elephants

As well you can mix it up If you want Yeah Too close to the Double dagger boss Too close Too close to the floor Too close to the land hose

Too close to the telly Yeah Too close to the telly Too close to the Really wide lamppost Yeah Way too close to the floor Too close to the land hose Too close to the telly Yeah Too close to the telly Too close to the Really wide lamppost Yeah Way too close to the big glass I don't know

Could be a big glass Could be a fucking Double decker bus Too deep in the motorboat Can't tell it's tits Thanks for the visuals there Too deep in the motorboat Oh my god

can't see the woods for all these tits what is this a forest are these your fucking nips can't see the nips for the tits

me and me and Carl have got a plan for the Euros final me and me and Carl have got a plan for the Euros final right we have watched it I watched it last night

with Jack it's really weird so just that fucking free kick mate who's that guy dams god he's gonna go somewhere

that's somewhere else what the fuck little baby faced assassin should have saved it if you look at it if he makes the save yeah everyone's going

what a fucking save that is should have saved it so you can't say Finn's a goalie you can't say should have saved it if he saves an amazing save if he makes the save yeah everyone's going what a fucking save that is should have saved it so you can't say things are goalie you can't say he should have saved it if he saved an amazing save if he saved it was nowhere near the post he should have saved it yeah but if he saved it if it's obviously you you'd have caught it and then scored the kick did he side foot it you like like 35 yards with a dip and everything. I think it just took Pickford by surprise a bit. I'm just happy Pickford's not the fucking fall guy. Yet.

Was he, like, there was a point where you were like, Pickford, mate, stop making silly mistakes. Long term in his head, man. Just can't really talk about England football because that's the first game I've fucking watched. But I was like, what are you doing? I've really enjoyed the Euros. I've loved it.

And I, as much as like i always stick to the like i won't be that bothered once england that i was do you want them to win i do enjoy watching it we were england fans last night yeah we watched it and we were like let's fucking let's go we want them to win but we're gonna we're gonna try and go to the final we've got a plan we're gonna try and get in yeah another plan you want a second jam We've got a plan. We're going to try and get in. Yeah.

Do you want another plan? You want a second jab? So that... Can't see the fucking game for the stadium. Go on. Adam just stood next to Wembley. Is this Wembley? On his head, elephant! Were you at the game?

I was at the stadium! No, we're going to get jobs in the kitchen. Why? And then just bail And then just walk off shift Right Into the ground Yeah The kitchen

Or the bar whatever The bar We're going to be hospitality staff Or the kitchen Hospitality staff Yeah okay good And I'm not going to run away Have you been to the Wembley kitchen?

Yeah yeah yeah It's next to the dugout isn't it? Yeah it's, yeah. It's next to the Duggars, isn't it? Yeah, it's just behind. No, but there is just bars in there, isn't there? And they just hire hospitality staff on like agency. Right. So we're just going to get jobs for Sunday because they are hiring people. Are they?

They literally are. So we're going to get jobs for Sunday. And then we're just going to say, can I just go to the toilet, please? And then in the toilet, we're already going to have left a bag in there with different clothes in and a mustache taped under taped under something yeah and a mustache you're gonna glue that mustache onto your fucking mustache no one will suspect it

be different it won't be the same so I'll have like a handlebar moustache and when I come out and like my manager's like is Adam in there I'll be like no and then I walk away

I love it how you're doing one shift and they already know you by name it's Adam who's been working here since quarter past eleven this morning what would be great is when someone

inevitably recognises you be like why's Adam working on the bar in Wembley yeah I don't think it is Adam I think he's got a ginger handlebar moustache I think it's

19th century French Adam Rowe I reckon the kitchen we're going to do that and vlog it we've got another plan we've got a plan

oh you're vlogging it we've got a plan B as well content it We've got a plan B as well Content guys Yeah We've got a plan B as well Right Fake IDs We've got

Somebody who makes Fake UEFA passes Say we work for UEFA Fake UEFA passes Mustaches for this one or High vis jackets High vis jackets

Yeah So what What are you The UEFA fucking Litter pickers One of our jobs What would we say I think we work for What do you, the UEFA fucking litter pickers? What are our jobs? What would we say?

What do you do for UEFA? UEFA? We work for the consulate. It sounds good. It does, doesn't it? It really does. Because no one knows what that is. I mean, people do know what a consulate is, but I love it how you say it.

It's like a government building for a foreign country is, but I love it how you say it. It's like a government building for a foreign country, isn't it? Yeah. There you go. Now we know. If we get quizzed. Am I wrong? The consulate's where you go if, like... We work for the consulate for you.

If someone tries to, like, abduct you in Bulgaria. I think what we should do is streak with Mayor John. Yeah, Carl wants to streak, both of us, at the same time with patreon.com slash haveawaypod painted on our tits. Right. Right. Right. So, you work for UEFA for the consulate.

UEFA consulate. You're wearing high-vis. No moustache. Hiding plain sight, innit? Hiding plain sight. The opposite of plain sight is like, hey! Are you going to have fake tickets at this point? Or are you just going to be like, wandering around?

You have a pass saying... The ticket's a QR, no? It's like a season ticket, because you work for UEFA, so you get to go to whatever you want. Like the corporate seats. Like right in the halfway line. You're going to be there. Right.

When you see Prince William doing this, you'll see us just behind him like that. Yeah. Just waving behind him. Just waving. Those lads from the consulate.

And then you're going to strip naked and run on the pitch. Just here. Have a word pod and you're going to have patreon.com. Just waving.

From the upper main stand we're going to have patreon.com from the upper main stand we're going to stream climbing down over the royalty hundreds of stairs to get through oh my god he's on X Games mode

yeah but like people won't be like stop him because we'll be holding our passes we work for the consulates you got your dick out doesn't matter

I work for the consulates Dan what would you out doesn't matter I work for the consulates Dan what would you do because you're going to watch the game aren't you if you saw me and Adam if you saw me and Adam on the pitch what would I do I'd be like what

I'd be like yeah they're my business partners we're going to have to because like it needs to be visible from the cameras what would you do what would you do

we're gonna have to hold hands as we run because I'm gonna have patreon.com and he's gonna have slash have a way can't just run next to each other you gotta hold hands

just so that like yeah yeah yeah so that it makes one big those two gay guys from the consulate is this an LGBT plus demonstration against UEFA's lack of support

for the gays i'll paint my dick rainbow what i'll paint my dick rainbow oh that'd be sad isn't it if i tried to do it to an lgbt yeah lgbt plus i just have a lesbian dick LGBT plus. I just have a lesbian dick. He's just got a yellow dick. It's for the lesbians. My dick's for the lesbians. I'd say yellow is the lesbian colour as well.

Is it? Do they have their own colours? What's the first in the... What's the first? L, lesbian. Why are they first? Why? Because women always are. Ladies first.

Ladies first. Lesbians first. Which lesbians love that sort of rhetoric as well. Ladies first. Lesbians first. What do you first which lesbians love that sort of rhetoric as well ladies first lesbians first do you mean

lesbians love what sort of rhetoric ladies first open the door for them oh they love that well known like militant the lesbian flag

is orange to pink is that right we've learnt there haven't we all joking aside thank goodness either way we're going

to London but the plan is to get in Wembley right if not we'll just go and watch it in a pub I don't think we could

call in a terrorist attack as well oh yeah get evacuated and then everyone will be in the car park you'll be a hero and we can just join

the car park and then on our way back in like just wink at the security guard like them and me from before wait wait wait wait

wait wait wait do you think the Wembley there's one car park for the 60 65,000 people there's only like 15 places 20

couple of disabled spots there's a there's a bomb threat phoned in and they're like car park B everyone Adam's like

just wait in Car Park B and then you can go back in. I'm not saying everyone will be sent to Car Park B, but as long as some people are sent to Car Park B, my plan works. Right. Why don't you just try and buy a ticket outside? Because it'll be like a grand itch.

Fucking hell, lads. Put it on the expenses. Can we? Then yes yes we will could you imagine that if we put it on the expenses and then streak

and we gain the money back then laughing innit what's the fine for streaking it's probably like a night in a cell innit I mean is it I think it's it's 70 quid

but it's 35 if you pay it within the first 14 days is it yeah yeah yeah I think if it's nudity maybe it's more but if you just streak

with fucking I think it's probably a lifetime ban from all Premier League football or something stinking like that like they really

do not want you getting your LGBT knob out no if I'm dressed and I just run on like hey and kick the imagine I scored

and it counted imagine I won the Euros for England imagine the men will dive and have the back post over Chiellini

yeah he'd be gutted wouldn't he do you want to come no why I just this is as exciting as it's going to get for me

for a wee while I am going to enjoy watching you and your rainbow dicks flop around Wembley. That's fine. I'm all good. All good. I want to see

you. There's not enough colours in the rainbow for my day. There have to be new colours. When people have DMT and they're like, I see new colours. That's what I'm going to have to make up. LGBTQ plus every other letter because he's got a weapon. No, I'm alright guys you it's on you finny you going finn's got a gig he's performing at the halftime show oh my god shakira shakira who is is who is

performing at the halftime show is there a halftime show there isn't a halftime show me and adam we'll do a pod yeah god is there anything you don't want to do? We're going to be in the car park from the consulate and we're going to score past cheerleading and then do the halftime show. And then finish this cocaine. Imagine they don't do it all, just for the fucking shits and gigs. I would love to know,

could you just find out what you get for pitch invaded at wembley it's not it's not a light fine is it what'd you get uh a grand and a lifetime ban from that ground i fucking hate wembley right okay yeah that'd be a fucker for the nfl wouldn't be so bad for an effortton fan though would it? I love Goodison you fucking rat Because they very rarely get there Because it's for prestige events like semi-finals and finals It says an Everton fan too

That's what you pay your subs for Absolutely It's good to see you bunch of fucking bellends So good to see you Where bunch of fucking bellends So good to see you Where are you Are we actually You're actually going to London All joking aside

I'm 100% going to London Are you genuinely going down to London Yeah Alright Why not No it's going to be great We're going out on So got quite a busy weekend coming up really

Today Doing a bit of recording here And that's it And tomorrow No it's going to be great We're going out on So got quite a busy Weekend coming up really Today Doing a bit of recording here And that's it And tomorrow We're recording The second half of this episode Aren't we Which

And then we're going to see Potential venue For the thank you show For the patrons Which Yeah which we need to get Booked in and sorted Before this government

Fuck up everything And then go for some food As a team Food I'm excited We need to get booked in and sorted before this government fuck up everything. And then go for some food as a team. Food. I'm excited. Saturday, me and Carl are out with the ladies. No gigging this weekend? No.

Nice. Lady day. I used to be a comedian. Not anymore. I'm cancelling every motherfucking gig. My breathing's not good. I don't think I can come to the fucking bucket.

And then Sunday the plan is to go to London. Well I told you about the time that I was in Cardiff and I got taken round the

Millennium Stadium when it was West Ham. When it was the Jets. No that was an Olympia Arcos game wasn't it?

But when Stevie G hit that ball from four miles away against West Ham and you won the FA Cup, was that 2006? Yes. And I was outside... The Jeddah final. Outside the ground.

And it was fucking brilliant. It was great fun. Me and Eddie Brimson doing a tour around Cardiff City Centre with all the Liverpool fans and the miserable cunt west ham fans and honestly you know when you just like life is just about experiences in it and remembering things and whatever like there's a lot that you do that is familiar you can have a great night out but you may have had a hundred great nights out before i will remember that like

a few hours walking around the ground that day for the rest of my life. It was such strong imagery. So even if you just get to Wembley to just soak in the atmosphere and then you're watching the game in those bars near it, it'd be fucking amazing. That was the original idea. We weren't going to go if it was England, were we? No, we were only going to go if it was two foreign teams.

But that wouldn't be as good. If it was the Spanish and the Italians, it'd be a nice atmosphere, wouldn't it? But obviously it, it would. If it was like the Spanish and the Italians, it'd be a nice atmosphere, wouldn't it? But obviously it couldn't have been they played in the semis, but. No,

I know what you mean, like, yeah. Like, the two nice nations who like, I mean, because the English aren't really known for the best behaviour.

I know, but there's not, but that, we scolded England before the tournament for all that shit and it's not happened, has it? The England fans have been pretty sound, haven't they?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. There's just, like with every... We were talking about this last night. Like, there is a reason we feel disconnected from the national team. There is a reason for it. And it's partly political. And it's also partly the anti-Scouse narrative of

a lot of England fans yeah but there's a lot of problems with like the Euros final is in this country it seems a shame to not go and enjoy

that atmosphere regardless of who's there regardless of who's going to go if it was Croatia Ukraine or some shit it would be fucking just to be there I'd be sick of that

well there's shit that you if you got the opportunity and you can just go and fucking do it what about Tra there's shit that you if you got the opportunity and you can just go and fucking do it what about Trafalgar Square would you or would you go to Wembley Trafalgar Square

is socially distanced or around so boring yesterday I don't know I'd rather go to Wembley I think

be outside Wembley we were in London a couple of years ago I think Sunderland we're in like the League 1 playoff final. And it looked like half of Sunderland was on Trafalgar Square. Probably was.

And I was playing the boat and Covent Garden. Got up there and came off the tube at like Embankment. And started walking up that road. There's like a Five Guys and you get up to the Strand. It's near Charing Cross, isn't it? That little alleyway alleyway yeah it's a weird little bit of london isn't it like it's a bit fucking harry potter-ish um and i could hear this noise and like not to sound like a fucking small-time yokel but i was like oh that's not a good sound it was like a really menacing sound like like a disturbance with a crowd or something and i was like oh no it's not a fucking terrorist attack or something and it was just edgy as you

were coming up and then we came around the corner and then i just saw a fucking hammered mac and like and then another and i was like oh there's three pissed Sunderland fans right here. I thought it was a terrorist attack. Very similar sounds in nature. The pissed Sunderland man. Do you know, not a lot of Al-Qaeda, but Sunderland fans, you know? Do you know that? Not a lot of ISIS fundamentalists. You don't know that.

There's no way you've checked that. No, you're right, Adam. Let me just get my research. Fucking, I'll stage him of like season ticket holders. Well, fucking hell, lads, we're sending all of these to fucking Kabul. Kabul. season ticket holders well fucking hell lads we're sending it all of these to fucking Kabul like Kabul that was my attempt to say Kabul

in a fucking Macamacson like it's exciting to have you back I hope you never get it again I hope you're not contagious

you're not meant to be but you know the research is minimal you could be I was going to wear a hazmat suit today but it was 24 quid and I was like

it's not worth it yeah it's not really it's not really worth it is it i don't know whether you'd let me expense it hazmat suit tickets to wembley and some paint oh god it's good to be back guys should we go and have some lunch i think so yeah and have some lunch? I think so, yeah. Oh, look. Hey, listen to this. This podcast,

I've a word, yeah, is sponsored by beer52.com and we have been for about a year now. They are our OG sponsor and I've got to tell you about them. If you don't know who they are,

they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the UK. What's a craft beer discovery club, Adam? Well, I'll fucking tell you, mate. Okay? What they do is they help you discover craft beer. They send you different

craft beers every month from all over the world, different themes every month as well. You might get a month's worth of South African beers. You might get some from Argentina the next month. You might get some from South Korea or something. All over the world, they'll help you discover the best craft beers that you've never heard of. And here's the best thing, because you're a listener to this podcast, not only do you get a free case of eight beers and an award-winning beer magazine for free just by going to beer52.com slash weird. All you do, pay the postage and packaging,

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and get yourself some berries for nothing. We are back. Yeah, we are. We got more zip than I thought you'd have, you know. Oh, thanks. Thank you. Thank you. Multivitamins and the love of a good woman.

Yeah. I don't know. Did you. Yeah. Thank you. Multi vitamins and the love of a good woman. Yeah. I don't know. Did you have COVID? Fuck. What are you even talking about? I've had two wanks in 12 days. And one of them was like, my dick was like,

why are you doing it, Dan? I know we've done it so many times, but I'm not right. You must have bollocks like space hoppers. Big blue space hoppers. I'd have definitely been like convincing my partner to fuck me because I'd have been like

we might die we need one last bonk I can't die without cumming in a woman one more time and women love that sort of chat as well

they're like oh my god he's such a sweetheart jizzing me one last time coughing yeah coughing the jizz straight out of you

that's the problem with coronavirus isn't it you jizz in there and then straight out sorry that's gross um my missus has done that before i've finished and she's like i've laughed as well you can laugh at us as well yeah welcome back we've just had lunch hi all please have a word with the guy i went out on a date with last week i have recently Welcome back. We've just had lunch. Hi all. Please have a word with the guy I went out on a date with last week. I have recently started online dating,

having split with my long-term partner just before lockdown. It's not really my thing, but with Rona in full force, I've been convinced by friends that it's only way I'll meet someone. It's the same theory. Everyone's dying. Everyone's getting the Rona. Quick, get some jizz. There you go. Quick. Quick. Everyone's getting their owner. Quick, get some jizz. There you go. Quick.

Quick. I need some jizz. Start. Clear. Clear. Everyone's dying. You need jizz. Don't cough.

It's a waste of jizz. Is that the doctor? It's the surgeon. It's the surgeon. Clear. The surgeon needs jizz. Why does the surgeon need It's the surgeon. Clear! The surgeon needs... Clear! Jeez. Why does the surgeon need you?

Is he giving it to another patient? Why did you assume the surgeon was a man? Oh, awful. You're like, your voice, you didn't do a lady's voice. Clear! That's a woman's voice. You didn't do that. So what kind of fucked up surgeon has to go,

Clear! Obviously you're sucking someone off on the operating table but it's because it's to do with the heart something's gone wrong though isn't it

if you're a surgeon going clear like that's not part of the operation there's about to be so much jizz alright sorry leave the room

cover the children this one's on Rona the children cover the children. This one's on Rona. The children. Cover the children. The theatre children. Fucking hell. Jobs for all. A lot of children don't want to see their parents go through major surgery.

That's not why we're here at St Rose. We want to share a family experience. Daddy's dying. Claire! Do you reckon a surgeon's ever sucked anybody off mid-surgery? Yeah. Yeah. at St Rose we want to share a family experience daddy's dying Claire do you reckon a surgeon's ever sucked anybody off mid-surgery yeah

yeah definitely imagine imagine that so she's been dating she's been dating to be honest I've had

all the expected arseholes sending awful messages that were not called for, but I've met a few decent guys, and it's not as bad as I thought it would be. The last date I went on last week was with a guy who I really got on with. I was really excited about seeing him again. Easy.

I was really excited. I've got rona brain I was really excited about seeing him again next week until I got a message from him last night he told me he is not able to go on another date with me because he can't date someone who listens to and likes

have a word as it is so inappropriate and does not sit alongside his values i really thought he was a decent guy but turns out he's a humorless prick who thinks he's woke but is actually a snowflake twat have a word with him and gives me some hope that there are men out there who do have a sense of humor also i'm a nurse and i've sucked people off in surgery ahead of the time also i'm a nurse and having listened regularly to all of your podcasts i found i'm trying to stop myself saying the word nonce more and more at work not appropriate keep up the good work loving it thanks guys so i mean it's not like the medical term is it it's pedophilic man why a man no it's

not you're a pedophilic man you sounded like a pedophilic man when you came up with that label i'm not a non-sum pedophilic man right i love this yeah i love that there's such an absolute wet wipe pathetic embarrassing excuse of a human male out there who can't get past the fact that someone has got a slightly different sense of humour to him to the point he can't go on a second date with them. What a maggot. He has given up the puss because he hates our chat. Yeah.

I think that's fucking phenomenal. We're cock-blocking. Can I take a comma? I know we're pussy-blocking. Hi, I think you're very attractive and lovely, but Adam and Dan are disgusting. I couldn't even get a wreck knowing that you laugh at that. Fucking hemophiliac.

What's a hemophiliac? Someone who doesn't clot when they bleed. I don't know where that came from. Bleed out, you massive, clotless vagina. Clotless vagina? That's a good vagina, isn't it? You don't want a clotty vagina. Oh, like cheese?

You don't want to pull your dick out of it and have a fucking little berry on the end of it. Clotted cream? Berry. It was so gross already. How do we bring cheese into it? Clotting vaginas Like guys

I need to bring the cheese Yeah we will have a word Even though he doesn't Listen I mean It's the easiest fucking Yeah What a maggot He's not

He's not tuned in for us Is there anything? Haemophiliac Right let's say Right Let's say you went on a date Let's say Yeah

Hang on How would I go on a date? Careful Careful How How would I go on a date let's say yeah i'm gone now how would i go on a date careful careful how how would i go on a date let's say yeah laura your wife yeah i've heard of her she's she gets off she gets off laura's got off you need to sum that up more succinctly she's gone oh yes yeah i came back here just to hear about Laura being gone. Right, so what's happened is she's still got COVID

and a guy has gone and touched her and gone. I hope she hasn't. I'm from Gambia and I've got the cure. Oh, Gambia. Oh, Gambia. Right. What, is he Gambian? Yes. Oh, he's Gambian. He's Gambian? Yes

Oh he's Gambian He's Gambian yeah So he's like Foggin' Elora I'm from Gambia Aye Aye Fucking hell

And you took the piss out of my Fucking fundamentalist man Harry I'm from fucking Gambia And it's near Peter Lee so he's like

I've got the cure for COVID it's in me dick my dick cures

and provides lifetime immunity but because of my religion every woman who sucks

my dick has to marry me and stay with me forever. And if they've got kids, I have to raise them. Okay, good, raise them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luckily, we're not giving vaccines to children. I did not enjoy how that was playing out.

He sounds like a paedophilic male. I think Laura should come back. Imagine if the vaccine was in a Gambian guy's dick. Sorry, dude. It's over 80s first. Nana Beryl's going to Gambia I'm going for my second job Laura's off

I believe the children are the future Laura's off getting some dick medicine in Gambia yeah talk to kids with her classic Laura and she's got to stay she loves the place she likes the climate she's got to stay. She loves the place. She loves the place. She likes the climate.

She's living in complete and abject misery. But she needs to stay there to survive or they'll kill her. Oh, okay. Why? Why? That took a twist, didn't it? Come for the vaccine or we'll murder you.

Anyway. No, but she's already had the vaccine. Oh, right. Now she's just there for the dick. No. Now she's there because you've had the vaccine oh right now she's just there for the day no now she's there because they're like you've had the vaccine so now you've got to stay forever or we'll kill you okay cool yeah don't try and find plot holes in my story fucking gambians yeah so long story short lord is gone you're single and you go on a date. And I can't remember why I'm doing this. So much bullshit.

He got lost in his own bullshit. Oh, yes. So you go on a date. Is there anything that a girl Could say she's into Like From the entertainment industry Or Media That would mean

You wouldn't go on a second date with her Because that's the only way We can truly have a word With this lad Right yeah yeah yeah Do you know what I mean Now It's back to the theory of

If you're an Absolute Smoke show And you Suck pipe Like a Fucking Surgeon Surgeon an absolute smoke show and you suck pipe like a fucking surgeon surgeon i'm talking the surgeon general like clear if you are an absolute dick wizard And you're fucking gorgeous Then You're gonna put up with more Aren't you

Yeah But Even then If someone was like You know In between sucking Colossal dick I love Mrs Brown's boys

That was my one as well I would be like What's yours That was my one Oh little Danny Just got flattered To me That's just like

Mrs Brown's boys You know It's not my cup of tea. But I'd sort of be like, I'm a comedian, I can teach you better comedy and you won't like that anymore. No, that's just not how it always works, is it? No, but that would be my initial thought.

What if she was like, I just don't really get Bill Burr, you know, like, just find it aggressive. But it's so funny with Mrs. Brown's boys because he's a man dressed as a woman. There is no level of fit that makes that attractive. I don't know about that. Like, I could put up with that. If she was a 10 and every morning she woke me up by licking me bum hole, I'd slowly get over it. Oh, no, pause the tape. and every morning she woke me up by licking my bum hole.

I'd slowly get over it. Oh, no, pause the tape. You don't want your bum hole licked every morning. Come on. Come on. I'm all for a bit of the old scrunting, but snuffling for truffles, but some mornings you're not like, oh, I'd be like, love, I've not had a shower.

Come on. You don't want that every morning. No. Oh, a morning fresh bummo lick. Oh, my. You mean a wild bummo? Oh, no. You need a fresh scrunt.

I'd like it. As long as she brushes her teeth before she kisses me, I'm fine. Oh, that's the problem. Her dental hygiene. Not your fucking ass crack. Yeah. After nine hours of sleep, and she's like,

don't worry, Adam, I've flossed. You don't want morning breath, do you? Bumhole breath. Oh, God. The hottest girls in the world, I don't think are like, our morning has broken.

I think the only way I really should fall down is political ideologies. Pardon? Imagine if she was like mid-snuffer, like... And then just slept. What do you think about immigration? If she was a proper, like, genocidal fascist,

I'd struggle with that. Right. She was genocidal. Or pro-genocide Pro-genocide What if she was just a Tory? Is it the same thing? Alright, thank you very much

Welcome to the show I think once you've been around me for a bit You wouldn't be so Tory anymore Like if I showed you my dad's house And be like This is how people live She'd be like yeah

let's give these cunts some money yeah I think that would be I mean just in terms of TV and stuff it's very easy to just think of the shit

that you think is unfunny innit but when it comes to politics like again who's the hottest girl at the conservative conference like you're still going to be like oh my god she's fit but like like again who's the hottest girl at the conservative conference

like you're still going to be like oh my god she's fit but like what is she talking about so the Mrs. Brown's boys thing

genuinely was that for ha-has or would you genuinely struggle with that I I think it's retarded it's really that word

is why he doesn't like us I know but it's really that word is why he doesn't like us i know but it's so like it's so old-fashioned and like i know people like it and but it's bad it's so bad how is that like and i get that that everyone's allowed to be what into the and it's they're in the old like they're in the minority they're almost alternative comedy because it's so old-fashioned and mainstream that it's basically the alternative to what is available everywhere and i've seen some shit that's been made that's crap i get it but i watch that and think fuck me this is so thick and maybe i'm pissing a few people off but So then you can't

have a word with him can you? I would find it very difficult to be like I don't know is it important someone's taste someone's sense of humour

I think it is So you can't have a word with him then? What do you mean? Because you're saying he's right? Yeah but this is us We're great

We're good oh Jesus now I'm wearing a dress now hey where are you going not dressed like that you know put less clothes on

I wonder what the trans movement think of Mrs Brown's boys they love her big fans yeah yeah because it's representation at Pride

if you look at the Pride Parade there's just loads of people dressed as Mrs. Brown. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're like, thank you for giving a representation of us in the mainstream. Yeah, yeah.

Because that's what we need, this representation. It's really healthy. Yeah, yeah. Half of them are dressed as Mrs. Brown's boys and half of them are dressed as the Wayans Brothers in white chicks. Massive. I mean, that was also race as well. that was so important yeah they go to black pride as well yeah throw out some bread i know you motherfuckers got bread no one knows what

we're talking about some mango. You said that. You've got to go to patreon.com slash have a weird pod and sign up to last week's episode to get context for what he's just said. Hiya lids. Seen a lot of comedians will be gigging on Sunday night.

Obviously it's the final of the Euros. Have you ever cancelled a gig for an event you just didn't want to miss? Similarly, if you had an echo date sold out then Liverpool made the champions league final what do you do this is obviously aimed at you adam because although thousands of tickets will have been sold you can imagine many won't be going uh to the gig as well

it's an interesting one i wonder who makes the call ultimately nice one that's from dan johnson um i i would speak to the Echo and say, look, I want to watch the match. You want to watch the match. They want to watch the match. Let's either move the show till six o'clock, so it finishes

in time for the game and then we'll show the game here. Or we just postpone the gig. Yeah, so it depends what level you're at. The circuit. So this is going to happen more and more, I think, to me as well, because what's in my diary is not set like, I was meant to be in Leeds this weekend, and I've taken it out,

and the hi-fi is still advertising me as part of the bill, and I'm concerned that lids are going to be like, dan's on and then i'm not on and apparently tim dylan's been going on about this on his podcast like it's different when you've got a one-man show or a tour show you will always be there there's way more goes into it you're selling your name when you're on a circuit show i'm don't get me wrong i'm at most circuit shows but it's a bit less definite isn't it when people like look the the best way to say it is what we've said before is if you want to see me you or any comedian go to their tour show that's the only way a you're going to be guaranteed to see different from last year's tour show and b that they're definitely going to be there because club comedy is interchangeable

replaceable i might be doing old stuff i might be doing brand new stuff if you want the best stuff you've got to go to a tour show you're going to be surrounded by people like so if you're into this podcast or you're a massive fan of adam you're going to a place where people are like who's this and and that's not going to be as fun for you if you go to a tour show you're with a load of people who are i love the podcast i'm really into adam like it's gonna be more fun for you gonna get better comedy to cancel a circuit gig for the i mean if there's a circuit gig on sunday that's clashing with the euro final that hasn't been cancelled they're mad yeah like it needs like people will not be going to gigs on sunday they have cancelled their gig

and put their show in the game. It's too big. It's too big. It's like, it's a cultural thing. My sister watched the football last night. She couldn't give a shit. She stayed up with Charlie and watched the game.

Like it's a, it's a cultural thing, isn't it? Charlie? On a football Wednesday night? Glad to be back. Glad to be back. Glad to be back. So I feel for the bigger guys, though,

who are like at the Manford, Mickey Flanagan level. Because they're, that's a different thing, isn't it? Canceling a massive tour. Could you go, say we go on the Champions League thing could you go to

the Echo and be like ah everyone wants to watch it shall we move it or are they are they going to charge you like what's the

they probably would charge you but I'm not missing the Champions League final for a gig it's not it would be I'm not it would be seriously

bad timing how many people is the arena 14,000 15 no about 8 and a half I bet you don't put gigs on that night periodically

I reckon that's a night that's blacked out oh no I don't think so I'd say for a stuff like maybe music or something like that

but I'd be very surprised if you or the Echo Arena were oversight the Champions League final date as your total gig there

yeah it would it would come up it would come up at some point and it would but yeah there's absolutely

no way I'd be doing that gig I spoke before I cancelled my Brighton one two in the final we lost 2018 I was a Brighton

comedian that weekend I love the story When you didn't sleep Yeah But when I cancelled it I wasn't like Stephen Would you mind

If I took that out Hey Stephen I'm not doing The Saturday Yeah So I'd rather pull out The whole weekend Let me know what you

Want to do But I am not doing The Saturday And he made me Still go down And did the Friday Stephen Grant Ladies and gents

Quite a stickler. But he's a football fan to be fair so it's good that he let you off this Saturday. He's a Brighton fan. They're doing alright, aren't they? Considering how fucking dreadful they were for years. Played at an old hockey stadium. Had absolutely no fans and now they're in the

Premier League for like the fourth, fifth year on the bounce. How far away is you playing the arena just literally, I'm not trying to blow smoke up your arse but are we on the trajectory? I've been thinking a lot about this you know, like genuinely

because we're planning next year's tour and I've seen how fast compared to in the past for me, how fast tickets sell now because of the success of this so like I haven't mentioned this to anyone yet really apart from Carl who knows but I I've got a date penciled at the Liverpool Philharmonic for early next year as part of my tour which is 1748 seats and if those London underbelly sales are anything to go by,

and like those new material nights at Hot Water we did, I think that'll sell out quite quick. Certainly in advance, and I think there'll probably be a second Philharmonic date. I'd like to... Fuck, you know, just saying it.

I know you're doing well, but I think there'll need to be a second philharmonic date. I just don't think one philharmonic date will do it. Adam, how many philharmonic dates are you doing next week? You're like, five. Can't do three anymore. Four is a fucking struggle. Amazing.

1,700 fucking lids. So, in my head, we'll do 3,000 in Liverpool. Yeah. 1700 fucking lids So That's In my head We'll do 3000 In Liverpool Yeah I don't think That's insane

I think it's Not insane In the slightest So I think that's One Philharmonic sold out And the other one In about 11, 1200

You're gonna turn up So that's 3000 now So the Echo Arena Is two and a half times the size of that what's that if this podcast keeps on its current trajectory

is that like three years away oh my god but that's you know I and I've said it before but

when I supported you at the 1,200 however many people it was in the in the arena's conference room.

What was it? The, or the sodium. I mean, it makes it sound small. It's the biggest theatre I've done comedy in. And I was like, I already knew you were going places.

I just sort of hadn't, this is way before the pod, isn't it? It's about three months before we did the pod. But that year, 2019, we'd hung out more hadn't we we'd done you were trying to you were trying to do a podcast i was trying to do podcasts we ended up i ended up doing two pilots of your podcast one in cardiff one at mine yeah and then

you came to do the radio pod and then i think we've ended up being closer than we've ever been and you were like oh come and come and do the support slot. I remember walking out going, fuck me. And it wasn't just like, because it's great playing 1,200 people. And also your fans are not the easiest. It's not like, hey, someone else. If you're supporting someone, there is always about five minutes of them going, you're not that guy.

And also, I'm not having to go at Liverpool audiences, but you've got to win them over when you're not a scous also i'm not having to go at liverpool audiences but you've got to win them over when you're not a scouser they come to see a scouser in liverpool and i'm like yeah some bell ending the hat that they don't know and i i remember coming away from that night and christian was that your agent was there and i was like adam is gone like it you're gone and i know you're still here and I know you're gigging on the circuit, but whether it's like what you've done on the internet or like Liverpool being so supportive of their own, which there's only a few places like that,

like Glasgow maybe, Newcastle maybe. But I remember just driving away going, Adam's here now for a bit, but we'll be gone. And it was part of the reason like it wasn't just like in my mind when when our radio pod went well i was like i'm gonna go straight to adam and be like can we do a pod because you were already going i think i'm gonna do something like this and i was like well i don't want to be fucking competing with you but it was partly that night just watching you you sell 1,200, 1,300 tickets.

Hot water deserves a lot of credit for that as well. So that's two years ago. And look what you've done since then. Yeah. Fucking hell. Like, two full amount of dates might actually be... Easy.

Understating it. Yeah. I don't know is the answer. Yeah. I've got the same problem because I'm like, you know, will I sell out the slaughterhouse really quickly? My tour show. I think... 2022.

I think you're going to shock yourself. Yeah, absolutely. Because there's so many people who watch this who would just go, just because they watch this, never mind if they've seen you do stand-up before. Nice problems to have lords um let's pick out another question and then uh we've got uh a little breaky coming haven't we um it's yeah hi lids if you had to do a wife swap-esque switcheroo with any tv program what person would you choose to come and do a wife swap-esque switcheroo with any TV programme, what person would you choose to come and do a job for the Have A Word team?

And which member of the pod would you send to fulfil their place? All the best, Harry Robbo. It's always Dan Johnson and Harry Robinson with the questions. So the question is, we're getting rid of one of us and we bring someone from a different TV show into here. Yeah. I mean, I want to send you to... there an art show because i just find it very what's what happened with that because apparently there's been a bit of progression with the with your perception of modern art so there's a longer version of this story on last week's

patreon.com slash have a word pod episode um i was walking past an art gallery in Chelsea in London so I just popped in Fucking hell a lot's changed I was just walking past a fucking art gallery you know in Chelsea as you fucking do not even a way much Popped in was looking at a sculpture and genuinely

thinking this is shite and then the fella who runs the gallery come over and he was like this is a fantastic piece isn't it do you like this

I really enjoy the artist who did this I honestly was wondering what that accent was would you like this piece no

we'll fucking make it outside the fucking caravan he doesn't know what accent it was he was just vaguely, vaguely, really well-spoken foreign.

Posh foreign. He spent a lot of time in London, but he didn't necessarily do his GCSEs there. Right, okay. Do you know what I mean? I can't fucking place this guy. Carl knows what's coming.

So I'm looking at him like, yeah, shite this, shite that. And he's like, oh, the fellow who made it is lovely. Command and presence. That guy who made this. One of the nicest, like, lovely guy. What? He was describing the artist to me. I couldn't give a fuck who's got a command and presence.

My fucking history teacher at school's got a command and presence. What the fuck has that got to do with art? He just talking he's a great guy does charity work and smells nice i'm telling you right now the guy who was talking to me has got a really good judge of character he's he really knows his stuff now now now mr o look at this piece this is uh objectively a piece of shit but the guy who sculpted it uh has got a lovely sense of humor and really nice eyes the fuck so this is all true right so i started just having a little look around at the paintings and that sam is so bored like so unbelievably bored i love it she's like what are we doing i'm having a little look because there was some nice ones do you know i mean some of them look like they'd put a bit of

effort in i love it adam is like how many hours how many hours on this they should say how long they worked on this for 95 hours that's good art took ages you're like you're saying that shit this in 22 minutes you're a fucking cheating cunt you were saying that but he was he said that on Wednesday's episode

he's like that's what I'm 20 minutes of shit there was one that definitely wasn't finished and he just sent it in by accident

like I'm telling and he wanted nearly two grand for it oh is that with the prices on it I said on this week's episode on Patreon I'm gonna paint

something this week and we're gonna sell it but it's 1,600 1,650 Something like that yeah This guy wanted for his one Which was shit So that's what mine's starting

The bidding On eBay Right 1,650 And it's going to be a spiral With different colours Tell you right now It represents life

If anyone Has access to A potter's wheel Or an art Like a An artist studio We will come And we will do a Patreon exclusive It's called has access to a potter's wheel or an artist's studio, we will come and we will do a patron exclusive.

It's called... I would fucking love to see Adam like... Look at that, lad. That would be amazing. And then we'll sell them. The whole world's doing NFT, non-fungible tokens.

And we're like, we'll make some potteries. We'll make some FTs. We'll make someft non-fungible tokens and we're like we'll make some potter we'll make some fts fungible tokens because they're fungible brilliant well this is the kicker so walking around and like i said there's only bitcoin i've got coin the full story he's on the patreon but on my way out he come up to me again the guy who runs the aqualine he goes you're enjoying the show sir can I just ask are you a comedian and I went

yeah and he goes Dan sign up for patreon.com slash have a weird part and watch the episodes please he's too jealous he goes

I have seen your videos on Instagram I watched many of them and do you know what struck me? The speed of the intelligence and the wit beyond my comprehension Fuck

Oh I just kept trying to leave right? Sam is like nearly bursting with laughter because she's like the speed, the shit we talk on this it wasn't just the wit and the intelligence

it was the speed of both that was beyond me and then I was like oh thank you very much we're going to go and he's like yes yes yes but your intelligence and wit and how fast I was like this is not possible for my mind to do do just yours

excuse me can I are you a comedian and that's why he asked me for a picture are you a Norwegian and I think the photo he took

of me and him is going up in the gallery oh right not as a piece of art yeah yeah no

in he genuinely said he wants it up he said can I take a picture and I'm going to put it up and I said on, he genuinely said... He wants it up. He said, can I take a picture? I'm going to put it up. And I said, on Instagram. And he said, we can put it on Instagram too,

but I'm thinking over there. Can I post this on this wall? We'll move this piece of shit. Laser beams, cages, arm guard next to it. Oh, my days. Is it all bullshit? It's not all... Genuinely the only bit about the picture being on the wall. Oh right, okay.

I was going to be absolutely heartbroken if that guy had never said any of that. The speed. Excuse me? The speed. And the intelligence. The natural effervescence. The sexuality.

The paedophilic male. What was he? Was he Norwegian like I feel maybe yeah or Iraqi yeah

yeah yeah it's one of them innit loads of them one of them curators from Iraq in London oh totally well there was over 600 artists

from over 45 countries in that you can't fucking learn them all can you no Iraqi Norwegian some of them honestly

like I know we've done this trope a million times some of them were shit and they were thousands of pounds and i was genuinely just thinking is that for the frame yeah i really i really want you you sent one to the email you sent one to the email have you seen it? that was £1,650 it didn't even look like he'd finished it I didn't art's meant to make you feel things

it did make me pissed off so it has done it's job if art just makes you go what a lot of bullshit it's probably lacking something in it you need a Norwegian going this artist has got a big penis what a lot of bullshit. It's probably lacking something in it. You need a Norwegian going, this artist is,

it's got a big penis. You know, hasn't fucked any kids. Like an amazing present in a nursery. I want that guy on. I want the Norwegian Iraqi on. His name's Peter. Peter. Peter the Iraqi.

Peter the Iraqi. Yeah. Peter the Iraqi artist. Could go wrong there couldn't he that name so good question Harry we

decided not to answer it what was the question he doesn't matter he doesn't matter oh it does yeah it does

who are we sending away and who are we getting back in it's got to be from a TV show well I think you genuinely if we're not if we're not taking the piss I think I would love to see you on a cooking show because you get so fucking into it yeah have you done any baking because i feel like like you on the celebrity bake-off your temper like having what you do adverts and then get annoyed when you don't get the adverts right when you fucked up

some shortbread and like squatted it off there you went you went your temper the speed the way you did that temper your speed of temper your I wanna send natural vaginas

to do the news and we get Hugh Edwards to do the subtitling or Fiona Bruce favourite action hero do you reckon he's allowed a microphone on the on the news

no he just sits there and goes shit today alright let's send Finn to like channel 4 for 4 o'clock in the morning and we'll get a sign language guy in and they can just do the whole episode there what

what that's John oh sorry genuinely can we make Adam famous so he's on the bake off celebrity bake off I'd love to see you

lose your fucking shit I'd end up punching Paul Hollywood's head over a Victoria sponge when he's there like oh it's a bit dry I'd be like we'll put some fucking cream

on it then you fucking whinge him for there's custard there you daft cunt stand up to cancer the money I'd pay to watch that for you to call

poor other daft cunt and to put custard on a scran you made to squatter tiramisu off Prue's head you fucking multi-coloured fucking nana. Bunch of fucking Tories. Right, I've got COVID. Yeah, I'm recovering from COVID.

Getting very tired. Second half of this episode is with James English, one of the biggest podcasters in the UK. Quite highly demanded from our listeners as well. Don't know him very well. Not a necessary intro Seems alright Answers emails He's a bloke, got legs

Seems alright to me He'll be here in a minute He'll be here in a minute for you, he'll be here tomorrow for us Fucking hell Still professional Do you know what I mean? Imagine. What's happening, guys?

It's Adam here and I'm here to tell you yet again that this podcast, Have A Word, is supported and brought to you by Manscaped, the world's best

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We're going to do a lockdown locking. Should we be closer for this so it looks different? It looks different. This Friday. Friday the what? Is the 16th? What day is it, Carl? Friday the 16th.

Get the calendar out. Friday the 16th of Julie. Julie. July. We get drunk in here. We get drunk in here. Many good times. Steven Tries of YouTube fame.

And Sidemen fame. And all of this. And have a web podcast fame. we get drunk in here many good times drinking steven tries of youtube fame and sideman fame and all of this and have a web podcast fame he sit there with his friend max very nice drinky drinky drinky all of the beer is an alcohol we get drunk with a call for three hours we could not think out and it go exclusively patreon.com it's good that's good that's going to win us new patrons that one yeah yeah so James English fans

will be like these guys you know they can do borderline racial racist voices and we'll sign up

James who? James English who's that? what? what? eh? this is the guest oh

yeah yeah yeah the one who's coming in in a minute the one we just interviewed we just spent about two hours with guest oh yeah yeah yeah the one who's coming in in a minute the one we just interviewed we just spent about two hours with him oh that one yeah

yeah yeah he was sounding weren't he yeah it was alright yeah yeah this Friday the lockdown lock-in number four there's already three

lockdown lock-ins on Patreon if you go there already and have a look now but this one's the best one so only three quid or five or ten if you sound but yeah just go and sign up

for patreon.com slash have a weird pod and join us all to get twatted on Friday. Do it, you fucking haemophiliac. Hey!

Always feels weird, doesn't it, when we record the first half the day before. Yeah. He didn't say boom, we're on. I didn't say boom,

we're on. That's his thing. I know, but it would have been funny, wouldn't it? Yeah, it, we're on. I didn't say boom, we're on. That's his thing. I know, but it would have been funny, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would have been funny. I'm going to start again.

James English is here, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for coming in, man. Thanks for fucking inviting me. Oh, mate, with absolute pleasure.

One of the biggest podcasters in the UK. We're just trying to scrounge off all your numbers. The biggest, brother. Get it right, bro.

The biggest one. Are you the biggest now? Yeah, no cunt can compete, man. I get asked to do these things all the time. All the time. And I blank them. But obviously, fan of you guys. I think it's what you're doing.

Comedy, all my stuff is serious as well. I have to fucking listen to people crying all the time, talking about murders and robberies. You know what I mean? It's a shit drenjer. But massive fan of you guys. And obviously, before we start can you sign my photos

please of you fuck off what what that's for Dan that's for Dan you've got sharpies there

yeah no man good guys man put that beside my sir he's done some phenomenal work what pictures has he shows

is he doing some James Bond yeah he's gonna be as he shows that is not far off Adam about 8 years ago oh lad editing you know the picture of me with Paul and Paul my trophy

just put that on it you won't even know a difference you absolute cunt James Adam Rowe. Stab me, lad. What could stab?

He's the little small one, isn't he? Go on, give us a Sharpie. He wants them signing. Yeah, definitely. Oh, my God. Where's the Sharpie? We haven't got a Sharpie. Is there gold on there?

I'm not signing it in fucking... I'll sign it in gold. No, it's because it's his... No, you can't, because when you sign things with this, you're like, hey, man, hey, hey, hey, hey, like hey and it's fucked look don't ruin it oh no i knew that wasn't going to work i've got more over here we'll do it in a bit yeah thank you very much you're welcome thank you i can't wait for you second appearance on this one the amount of prop banter we're getting as well people bring in like i'm gonna make this look like someone's done the

homework i wonder what they were you know yeah when you when you first come in you put them there i nearly went you want to just put them out of shopping you're like nah that'll be something for the thing you mentioned there your podcast james english anything goes yeah is often dead serious because you have some scary fucking people on your podcast. You have like mayors, ex-mayors. They're not like current mayors, are they? Yeah, well. Not like in the middle of a spree. Have you had anybody do anything after you recorded with them?

I'm not really hot on anyone or challenged them. I'm just there to let them. No, I don't mean with you. I mean, like they've gone on to do something again. Not that I know of, but even if it does, it'll still boost your numbers, so I'm not going to. And also, it's not a grass so

yeah yeah yeah not like some of them anyway you ever went and robbed a bank afterwards yeah do you do you ever get scared no I see vulnerability and weakness

they are scared so any man that holds a gun or a knife is a weak man so every murderer every bank robber I've interviewed

is either been bullied or abused when they're younger so what happens is when they grow into an older character they're so scared so vulnerable that holding a gun or a knife

becomes a defence mechanism so they get their power from people now being scared of them but it's really they're so fragile that what I feel pain sort of deflect pain onto others

so what I see is weakness that's why the majority cry because they're opening up that's a really lovely way of looking at it deep shit and I can see that when they're not in the room

but when I'm sat in front of a murderer I just can't see myself being like you're weak yeah he doesn't say it directly to the face though does he

when they turn their back though I do I go you're weak go ahead he just waits till he's on our podcast to incriminate us well I did get a script

before I came here guys so thanks for guiding me who is a massive pussy who do you think is the most dangerous man you've interviewed I think it's the one who's changed their life

the one who makes the changes like a lot of people come on and talk but a lot of them are full of shit as well because they're not following up with their actions everybody's got a mouth

to speak I feel as if people can talk too much even though it's their job but actions for me puts into play

the people who can come out of prison and seriously change their lives stop drinking stop taking drugs stop the bullshit stop harming others and really

make changes for me that's strength that's what it's all about for me and do you have evidence for anyone who's just like working in Greggs and that

who wants to hear that pish they don't know what I mean I've changed my life I went from the fucking sausage roll to the vegan sausage roll

I'm the fucking assistant manager now I'm the assistant manager nobody wants to hear that do you generally sit there and like the the range of characters

that you have on your on your show and you are sat there sometimes calling bullshit because obviously you're interviewing them

you're asking them to open up but you find yourself thinking that you're projecting bullshit of course majority of people will tell lies it's scientific 50% we speak is lies anyway so everybody creates a scenario and stories in their head and if you've been institutionalized for 20 30 40 years

like some of these guests they're creating stories in their mind as well where they actually believe what they're saying is true so i'm very good at reading people i don't sit with any notes fuck all in front of me I can pick up things and that's where I can take it on a journey There's a podcast called The Comedian's Comedian with Stuart Goldsmith and some of my least favourite episodes of that are where comics who

I know full well are cunts, are trying to project this like, yeah you know because I'm a great guy and I've given so much back to comedy and I find those like the cringiest interview when you're like this is but i mean we've been doing this a while as well you can tell when someone's being genuine on that couch yeah and i think people are listening to that they're picking up on everything it's so disingenuous when someone's like you're clearly talking shit obviously on your show the stakes are a little higher because of the

backstories that people have been through like in comedy it's just like yeah i did gigs for i don't pick up on that i don't challenge anybody because everybody sees the world differently it's trying to give people understanding of the way they are how they are and why they become the person that they are so it's difficult i'm not there if I start calling out bullshit many times I've thought about doing it but what happens is then the barriers come up

and then they don't open up as much so I just go over the floor throw in a couple of questions and then they take it on a journey themselves so people won't tell the truth

unless you let them lie a bit yeah and feel as if everyone eats them everyone I love Adam that's Adam's fucking mantra in life

you've gotta let me bullshit a bit mate fucking hell Everyone eats him. Everyone, yes. I love Adam. That's Adam's fucking mantra in life. You've got to let me bullshit a bit, mate. Fucking hell. Because it makes it easier then. Because if you're calling that out, then they become more guarded and then the interview will go flat. And have you had a few stinkers where it's just broken down?

Not really, man. Everyone kind of flows. That's the magic, I guess. Make sure. Sometimes I'll speak more, less, just depends on the guest. So for me it's to make them feel comfortable, make them feel at ease, and that's what the gold does. Can you imagine if we got this type of person on here?

Do you know what I mean? Like murderers who are fragile, you know they've been abused as a kid, and now they've grown up, and they've got to hold a gun and a knife just to feel manly yeah and

we interviewed them instead of Carmy McCann lovely Glasgow so tell us what happened where did you stay it's given teak

it's given teak you've really got to know it I was like you're a fucking nun absolutely horrific have you ever interviewed anyone that you have come away from I was like, you're a fucking nun, Skippy. Absolutely horrific. Have you ever interviewed anyone that you have come away from

and gone, I don't like them? Because you've interviewed people who've done horrendous things. Yeah. But everyone's done bad things. Everybody's sound, though. That is the problem.

Everybody always asks, what's your favourite interview? Who's the best guest? Whatever. But everybody has been sound. I've released over 50 podcasts. I've made two documentaries. I'm shooting for the stars stars i'm taking over this shit people don't like it there's going to be envy and jealousy but for me silence is golden for me if you've got enemies

man kill those cunts with success yes mate i feel like i'm fucking it's like a hearing our shit like we don't say it all the time but that is the vibe I know we're doing different things on YouTube we're not trying for the same show but literally the same energy we're like

I hope everyone does well oh yeah yeah they're doing alright like but you know they got lucky there didn't they with those four and a half

thousand Patreons that's just lucky I fucking love the energy of like yeah I want everyone to do well and us two do ten times fucking better yeah of course man but there's so much every time you level up more hate comes with that nobody sees i've done

200 fucking podcasts now do you know what i mean like nobody sees the grind the travel and the constant hustle to be the best to be the biggest got to question that as well is that a bit of an obsession does that become an addiction fucking right it does but it's a healthy one do you know what i mean you go to all your guests as well don't you I've been straight into their house as well been into houses when there's been 10-15 bodies sitting there

what the fuck's going on here some proper guys but dead bodies no maybe under the floor when you go into somebody's house because they're intimidated

as well they don't know who they're meeting so when you get to their house they're all sitting around so they've got all their mates yeah yeah yeah

and turning up with boom arms attached to a table do you know what I mean James English is here with his equipment I did that with an old landlord that I had a dispute with I don't know whether

I've ever told you this what I told you this so I left I was living somewhere I won't name the address or what period of life it was for me

because it'll be very obvious then but I left somewhere was it the knife period i think we've got a picture of it i believe you've got a photo of the day in question i'm not paying your rent what accent's that dance so what happened was i feel like that's going to come up again so I'm going to leave that there what happened was I was living in a property

and so it was done through a company called Open Rent so when you go through them what they do is

you know when you pay a deposit on your first like month so they take the deposit right and they keep it

and the landlord can't have it you can't have it and at the end of your tenancy the landlord goes to the house and goes well the it and then at the end of your tenancy the landlord goes to the house and goes uh well the shower curtain's broke he's fucking threw me washing machine out down the stairs that's about 200 quid so he could i want 200 quid of it and he

can have 400 and then open rent go to me and go do you agree with this and uh if i say yeah then they give me that and the landlord gets what he asked for it's it's a way of stopping landlords being total cunts instead of like but this landlord was a total cunt and he went right you've stolen me grill pan which is like the thing from the bottom of the oven um and the shower curtain is uh not the one that i left you with so i want 450 pound of the rent this is not because it was hyperbole a golden shower curtain he had a shower curtain shower curtains get moldy in the end don't they so you replace the shower curtain it's like a five pound shower curtain you replace it it was just a shit shower curtain so i was like well you're not having 450 pound obviously and he was like well

i'm actually entitled to it and i was like well good fucking luck with that so then he was sending me emails but he was trying you know like in a gangster a way a gangster threatens you they don't put anything in writing they just try and intimidate you with show them your photo he sent me this but he so i said look you're not getting 450 quid i'm i'm happy to buy you a new grill pan and bring it round and if you tell me what the curtain was i'll buy that but i want all of my deposit back and he said something like no that's not happening by the way this is a picture of me and my family that's my two sons my brother and my cousin and it was a picture of all of them sat around the pub you know just looking hard and he was like uh just so you know that's my family and i was like right so anyway i want i want to meet and discuss this. And I was like, okay, let's meet on this date, this time.

And he went, okay, meet me here. And it was like a car park. I was like, no. I went, let's meet at the Starbucks on Edge Lane. And I rang three of my cousins and said to all three of them, I need all three of you and a couple more of the lads because some of my cousins were in the army and they know a lot of squaddies.

I was like, I want you to just come and sit in the Starbucks because I think this could get a bit messy. And they sat in one corner of the Starbucks. I sat in the other corner of the Starbucks. And the landlord, I seen him come into the car park and he just drove straight off. And he texted me and said, let's just leave it. I seen him pull in and he fucked straight off. And that rent has never been resolved. An open rent, I've just leave it. Right. I seen him pull in, and he fucked straight off,

and that rent has never been resolved, and open rents have still got it. It's been years. Wow. In Starbucks. I need to get you on the podcast, bro. That's a fucking YouTuber story. Mate, Adam crewed up for a fucking shower.

Here's a picture of my family. Well, this is a picture of my family, and we've got dogs. Everybody't have gave you that photo mate You've got your back up man Me and my cousin coming to get you We see you at Starbucks That's an old swan accent That's a good old swan

Can't touch me I'm just bad at accents When you turn When you turn it up Like One of our big things Is because we did Stand up on the road

For years And driving round Just gets fucking old Like I've done Stand up for 20 years And that's why We put so much Like you turned up

And went Oh I love the set up We've put so much energy Into this So we don't have to Drive to people Do you just love being on the road

is it part of it because I see your videos and I'm like you do such a good job of setting that up but do you get every shot looks the same

even though you're in different houses every episode yeah I mean how much shit do you take genuinely I know this is a bit

of a techie geek question but do you ever turn up and go where the fuck are we doing this nah man because we can stick cameras to the walls.

We can just make it work. We take them outside, just put batteries in the camera. My job is just to get the person sitting there and we create a story, take it on a journey. But part of me is that addictive personality to keep busy as well. I come from a background of fucking misery, drink, drugs, gambling, violence,

all the bullshit of the day. So for me, it's to keep working. When I stop, man, I don't know what the fuck to do so that's the scary part so you've filled all of that void with setting up fucking shots in people's houses

yeah to be the biggest and the best so do you not drink and drive drugs at all now? still drink and drive just don't take drugs no nothing

no drink, no drugs no gambling that was the three major things how long's that been? nearly three years is that how long you've been doing the show? yeah so I've just focused all the energy on something else but this is an addiction i hope everyone who's got like addiction problems doesn't fucking channel their

sobriety into fucking up our youtube numbers because if all the fuck-ups i know in comedy sober up and then really start knocking out content it's going to be a nightmare it's going to be a constant are we talking like you saw you were sorting your life out and then really start knocking out content, it's going to be a nightmare. Yeah, it's going to be a constant battle. Are we talking like you were sorting your life out and then the show started? Is one directly related to the other, or is it just... It's been a six-year kind of journey. I stopped when I was 30. Totally transformed my life, got my first ever proper job.

Started making changes, but then I had a drink. One drink. I was actually in LA. I was going to do a motivational speaker and shit. My auntie passed away, came back, ended up having a drink at her LA, I was going to do a motivational speaker and shit. My auntie passed away, came back, ended up having a drink at her funeral

and that was me a full year on it again. One fucking drink just spiralled out of control. I'm very good at self-sabotage. Creating something beautiful and then fucking ripping the whole ceiling down

because you don't feel good enough. Don't feel worthy. So every day's a constant battle to keep reminding yourself that I'm the fucking best. You'd have made a great stand-up comedian. Yeah, I tried stand-up comedian.

Oh really? I tried stand-up comedy fucking hard hard but you've got the character traits mate a self-sabotage yeah

but Glasgow's a tough place first gig was up in Inverness and I thought fuck this man it's full of sheep shaggers just talking shit how many did you do

it was about 150 there no how many gigs I thought yeah about five five and then just jacked it yeah yeah anything's consistency's key everybody wants to try something but they quit after 50 there no how many gigs I thought about five five and then just jacked it yeah yeah anything's consistency

is key everybody wants to try something but they quit after first second attempt because they think too hard if I stuck with it

I'd have been the best at that as well it's just that that's a hard gig I felt as if I was trying to take away the mask I was always a

loud man funny man but that for me was the weakest man so doing the stand-up comedy I felt as if I was putting a mask on again to portray that I was okay a loud man, funny man, but that for me was the weakest man. So doing the stand-up comedy, I felt as if I was putting a mask on again to portray that I was okay. Same as this podcast,

people always say, you're doing amazing, you're killing it. I feel fooled, you're a cunt, because I still don't feel that I've achieved anything yet, because I'm constantly trying to raise the bar to be bigger and better. I feel like I'm talking to

a Glaswegian version of myself. Yeah. Like my family's riddled with addiction problems but from drugs to alcohol to gambling like both parents heavy on the ale grandparents died from on the air my mum was an alcoholic who died of it my little brother's struggling badly at the minute with drinking drugs and just can't get a purpose going at all. And I've always done fairly well compared to the rest of my family to keep a fucking lid on the,

a traditional style lid, on the drinking and stuff. Like I can go out and get battered. I really can. Not as much as I used to. I used to be. Yeah, you used to be bad. Beyond, like when I was 18,

I'd just go out and to the point I can't remember everything. He'd end up leaving me in town on my own because i just refused to go home i'm going fuck it leave me alone fuck off but i've always managed to maintain uh a functioning social and personal and professional life and it's because i've had a focus like i worry though that you could be you could go full steam ahead though um because it can be in the dna it's it's in there it i definitely do think about it because i've thought about this as well with you because you can keep a handle on it and still booze but

like with your mom and like yeah it's it's comedy it's comedy for you it's you it's having as you say a focus i've put like comedy comes before everything and it always has before relationships, before family, before friends, even I've missed like functions and 18th and 21st and 30th birthdays because I'm like, I've got to go and do a gig for 80 quid because this promoter runs 40 comedy clubs and that could be two grand's worth of work next year. So having that focus, I think has sort of kept me away from it.

And also I think when you come from a background of your parents being proper heavy drinkers like my mum and dad you either go the way I've gone which is well you can go the the extra level of I don't drink at all I've seen what it did to my family or you can go the way I've gone which is I'm a very social I won't sit in the house and drink on my own or for no reason and then there's the other one which is I will drink whenever I can because because that's okay, because I've been taught it's okay. It's an escape.

So you need to be careful. Everything's levels. For you to go levels, man, it's to, alcohol's the most glorified drug in the world. People do it, why? Because it loosens them up and it makes them forget.

Nobody likes who we are. Every single person, we can all bullshit. There's no manual, there's no blueprint how to live life. We're all fucking winging it. Nobody has got a clue. Podcasts,

what is a podcast? You take that away, take away the comedy, who the fuck are we, we don't know, so what we do is, mask it, coffee,

overeating, undereating, alcohol, drink, drugs, gambling, whatever it is, to get this brain,

lighting up like fucking Las Vegas, because the dopamine kicks, for me it was coke, birds, gambling, it was everything to, get those dopamine levels high, as if I was something in life,

and you start stripping all that back, that's the painful fucking journey, to go wait a minute how much of a fuck up was i but now that i've stripped back all the madness the podcast has become an obsession to be the biggest and the best but what is that really as well why can't i just enjoy the journey where is the gratification from others to make myself feel better same as social media it's a tool i'm addicted to social media now feeling down post a photo give me the gratification that i'm doing good but really i don't care made a documentary of the six week change which was going vegan no social media ice water every day meditation exercise and something else but it was six key elements that i believe naturally can help change the mindset we can sit here get a laugh and talk

it's all bullshit really it's still all smoke and mirrors again so you've got to be careful especially with the fucking the family back same as mine I've lost countless

family members and friends to murder, suicide, overdose for me it was to mask it all loud as fuck big bags of gear loads of hookers just living the big boy Charlie life

when really I was a weak cunt so weak it's a bad life that it's a good weekend though isn't it yeah a fucking good night if that becomes a regular thing that's bad

but if that's just once every six years if you can keep it to once every six years that's the thing with coke isn't it coke and coke and birds

it's rarely a once every six years kind of thing I go fucking mental every sort of half decade it's rarely a once every six years kind of thing i go fucking mental every sort of half decade it's usually a bit more birthday and the week after it's coke and hookers night did you ever think you'd go like down the rabbit hole with it because you you loved a little no never with booze booze was easy for me because I loved it.

And then the next day I felt so fucking ill. Yeah, yeah. I didn't want to do it again for days. But drugs has always been my problem. That's a weird thing that I'm sort of enjoying at the minute. And we'll come back to drugs in a sec just one sec. On the drinking thing. Right now, if I have a bevy,

the next day I couldn't look at one. I'm so, like, I just, and I'm starting to think, like, we're going out tomorrow, me, Carl, with our two, our two girlfriends. Like, in my head, I'm like, Sunday's coming as well. Yeah. Already. Do you know what I mean? Sunday's busy as well.

Like, I'm already thinking, like i'm already thinking like don't you don't overdo it anymore because it's so bad the next day you've got to take into consideration the drink you probably drink one weekend's probably what an alcoholic would drink for seven days because you're just spattering it so it doesn't make it okay to not drink monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday because your body's still recovering same as taking a line of gear what happens is when people take a line of gear, they think they're okay after five, six days, but your neural pathways, your neurons in the brain, dopamine levels don't go back to an normal state

for three to six months. So your head's still all over the place. That's why suicide's on the rise, because people are batting the gear in the drink to hide away from their pain instead of hitting it fucking face on. That's my opinion anyway. Sorry, it's a comedy show,

but everybody's just about to fucking cry. And I've killed someone. Now we're talking. I've killed someone. So what I was asking you was, did you ever think you were going to go down the thing with coke? Yeah, not coke. It was when I was doing pills and going clubbing

because we couldn't afford loads. We were 23, 24. We couldn't afford fucking coke all the time. Occasionally you'd get some in, like on a Saturday night or anything, but we were doing pills and pills is such an emotional pull to the, it pulls you up.

And then by talking about, like Suicide Tuesdays was something we all just laughed about. You'd go out on a Saturday, you'd be up till Sunday lunchtime and then on Monday you'd just be, like on a Saturday, you'd be up till Sunday lunchtime. And then on Monday, you'd just be like a, not a zombie, but you could actually function. I used to host Beat the Frog on a Monday

and I'd hardly slept on the weekend. And then on Tuesday, that lack of everything, that serotonin that's been ripped out of your brain because you've just been fucking off your tits on Saturday night. And we all just laughed about it. Yeah, oh, fucking suicide Tuesday. Tuesday and Wednesday, you'd just be as low as I've ever felt compared to how high I'd felt on Saturday.

And getting into that cycle, and then we started doing ketamine. And ketamine will make you into a fucking grey ghoul because it's poison. Like, this is when we were doing pills and coke and cat and we were mixing coke with cat and and obviously you get a tolerance for it so you do that for six months like by that sixth month you need to be taking more pills and having more coke and cat and i just had mates where i was even looking at myself going i was going gray like i looked unhealthy yeah i was losing my i was losing teeth i was losing like i i through

through the ages of 24 to 28 29 when when i was still going out i had more dental work done in that four years than i've had for the rest of my life. And since I stopped doing that, stopped doing pills, which the shit that they put in pills, I don't think I've had a filling for five, six years, but I must have had about 12 in a four-year period. That's an oral B-advert. What's happened, isn't it? It's just gross.

And if it wasn't for comedy, and that was me doing stand-up, the whole of that was keeping me on the tracks just about I don't know what I'd have done without without having comedy to sort of just make me snap out of it sometimes to do to do gigs that I love doing yeah I genuinely think I could have seen myself off because I had the most dangerous addictive personality where I would just keep going I'd keep going. And to the point where my friends would be going home at 5am, 6am, and I'd start hanging out with

people that stayed out later and started going to hard house nights. And I fucking hated hard house, but they would stay up till Sunday tea time. And I just wanted to still be getting wrecked. So I managed to do all of that and not totally fuck up because of comedy i don't know if i'd have not had that focus with comedy i don't know where that would have gone i'd have no fucking teeth left definitely would you think trigger dog that for you to keep doing that what the drugs yeah james you know what vibe you give off this is hilarious this is how i vibe you give off yeah you know in friends you know when phoebe starts dating the therapist yeah no i just love all the dynamics vibe you give off do you know when friends do you know when Phoebe starts dating the therapist yeah

no I just love all the dynamics it's his podcast now boom we're on holy shit my mum died boom to death boom to death

my mum died and I wasn't allowed to play the comedy stuff it's dumb what's wrong all comedians are fucked up though every single one My mum died and I wasn't allowed to play the comedy star It's dumb words Bob All comedians are fucked up though Every single one are fucked up

I ain't of you murderers and bank robbers These cunts are comedy compared to you You're just crazy bastards Your heads are gone And I love it Always the fucking best comics are the ones with the Most fucked up sort of like Look at Robin Williams and stuff Robin Williams if you go to the edinburgh fringe like and you

you go and like go and sit in the pleasant courtyard and then go and ask hey what's the best show you've seen so far the one you'll be told to be honest there's this amazing comedy show comedy it's a comedy show 7 p.m every night in the bunker over there got bummed every day as a child and his dad used to beat him with glass bottles it's hilarious

by the way that's not Robin Williams there's a lot of me thinking is Robin Williams back and he's doing a story about getting bummed to death yeah another coke head another absolute

fucking coke demon was he? yeah was Robin are you alright okay I didn't know mate an absolute fucking coke demon was he yeah was rob are you all right okay i didn't know mate an absolute fucking coke i heard that he died having an asphyxie wank right did he that's what i heard yeah he's too old for that i heard he had an asphyxia strangling yourself and having a way you sort of you tie a noose around your neck so that you know

when you come and you pull your neck forward Like that Oh Not Robin Williams Having an It's not Patch Adams Having a fucking asphyxia I know him Patch Adams

I know him Tim Allen From Home Improvement Buzz Lightyear Another fucking coke fiend Suicide by hanging But that's asphyxiation Isn't it so

Yeah It's possible Yeah But that means Everybody that's hungphyxiation isn't it So Yeah It's possible Yeah Yeah but that means Everybody that's hung themselves You can You can throw that then in Yeah but that's what

Adam loves a bit of that Doesn't he Just add wank on you There's a lot of wank talk Bum talk in this show I've noticed that Oh yeah Or what if he dies

You're a neurotic asphyxiation Maybe he did Maybe he just loved A little fucking talk That's something I heard once In 2014 Yeah And I've just decided That's something I heard once in 2014. Yeah. And I've just decided that's what happened.

We're not big on fact checking. Yeah, neither am I. So don't die by asphyxia wanking. Yeah, because it's the truth then. That's the best way to go though, surely. I don't know. The best way to go. Yeah.

No. The high of coming. That's the last thing you experience right so it's gonna ruin the fucking jizz in it a little bit

isn't drowning meant to be euphoria and then someone's gonna find you yeah that's not good is it

yeah but that's their problem innit your dad can't get through the door fucking hell Adam lad can't get in the fuck oh for fuck's sake you dirty bastard

where are we going here robin williams ladies and gentlemen can you think of a better way to go how would you want to die not asphyxia supermodel avalanche yeah but that's not a thing is it could be how would you want to go supermodel avalanche how would you want like if you could choose so what's what is that

loads of supermodels and you just get crushed underneath them there's just too many supermodels in your bed right yeah you all play palion and you're dead

just an average night for me brother back in the D that's why he started his YouTube show not another fucking supermodel

how would you want to go i want to know i'm telling you i'd have a hangy wank not with my cock out no no i don't i don't want to die cock out right just i don't want to know loads about it just you know in your sleep surely or if you're having a bad dream, and then perpetually you're stuck in that dream for the rest of eternity. I don't know. Yeah, it's good. Oh, yeah. Glad we got you on, James.

Glad we got you on. How would you want to go? Surely. Big bag of fucking cocaine, mate. Few hookers. There you go. Couple of Viagra, shagging one, boom, heart attack off. Supermodel avalanche that's actually not a bad way to go i love it that someone who's clean he's sorted his life

out he's got the biggest youtube in the fucking country and he's still like yeah all that shit that nearly killed me that's how i want to go but it was fucking good at the time no i was at fuck But it was fucking good At the time Nah I was like Fuck Horrible Yeah Changes are good though guys

Changes are good It levels to the game man Depends how far you want to go man Make a few adjustments Enhances everything What changes do you think We need to make Stop talking about

This fixy one First of all Cut down the night This was one time Literally one time The booze though A few notes are concerned for me When's the last

What's the longest You've stayed off to drink Erm Probably like four months Because every one of your photos I see you with a drink in your hand Yeah Because that's the only time

You take photos I can't take photos On the fucking couch I never had a wank With a rope around your neck Four months I think When I was training For a boxing match

I don't think I drank I didn't drink did I no and we go out very sporadically as well especially now yeah no

and when we do that's not true you're full of shit man you two are really making excuses now every time I see you you're twice I would say

no I take more than one photo on a night yeah I don't know I've got James here because we want to do an intervention so we've got to start because we want to do an intervention.

So we've got to start drinking. It's probably twice a month now. Yeah. For you, it's probably more for me because my missus likes to drink as well. So if I'm out with her, I'll have a drink.

Whereas you don't drink with your missus really, do you? We never drink together, no. Mate, the restrictions lifted in April. You cunts have definitely been out more than twice a month.

That's a bit different though, isn't it? For spring, isn't it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Twice a month unless, you know, the weather's nice. I haven't drank for two years. We're in Japan. Right. So I was allowed.

I haven't drank for two years. No, so like the year I was in Japan, I didn't go out. You're smuggling up the arse again, bro. I was wondering how you'd have got a nice gaff in you. Got a pair of bows up the arse again bro I was wondering how you've got a nice gaff in you got a pair of bows somewhere Tim Brunkhorn

that's how we've got it no but in Japan and then coming home for the pandemic it was about two years no it wasn't it wasn't before we went out

is that working we went out our last year came back our last night out was in April before I went away I got back we went out in September the next year.

So it was about 18 months. Don't try and fucking argue with me, kid. Two years. Sat at home with a fucking baby. It definitely feels like you guys go out a lot more than you're admitting. When was the last time I had a bevy? We had a beer watching England match. And one beer watching England match, yeah?

One beer watching England match. I love it James how you've rattled everyone's fucking head I'm like oh I lost a lot of teeth to clubbing and I'm like

no I haven't been for a drink since 2009 so you think I should knock it on the head 30 days see how you feel 30 days

yeah it takes your levels to this game what happens is I believe everything's frequencies and energies yeah so like attracts like

I don't believe anybody's on my level that's just because of the stuff that I do and what I do but when you start making changes you start seeing

everything differently in my opinion now I could just be fucking crazy but look at the stuff that I'm doing look at the guests I get I've had no backing

no funding just fucking hard work and pure vision visions everything's people talk about the law of attraction whatever you think you do attract and look at the guests I get. I've had no backing, no funding. It's fucking hard work and pure vision. Vision's, when people talk about the law of attraction, whatever you think you do attract,

so your vision becomes cloudy. Drink, drugs, all the other shit. So then, if you're unsure, the universe becomes unsure but when you're bang on it, when you visualise,

it becomes true. Something with comedy though, where that clarity and that absolute definite purpose, does it marry up with like being funny that's and i'm not saying it does or doesn't but as a comic sometimes you take your failings and you almost like not relishing them but like when i i lost some weight and it wasn't as funny as when i had fucking mantids and when

you've got a hangover story it almost feels like you're adding to your comedy like being a comedian is this weird thing where being a bit of a fuck-up can actually help i know you might completely disagree with it i agree with that because all comedians are fucked up everyone it's been in my life i tried that like i've got good friends in Glasgow, my friend Gary Falls and D-Max Will. They're all fucked up, and they'll no mind me saying this, because they are the same as myself.

Just because I'm not drinking or taking drugs, I've got more problems in battle now, more than I was when I was fucking up. So then why would I stop? Exactly. Don't buy into my bullshit, by the way. It's just all fake. I'm just trying to sound good here. Get the lines out. I love my bullshit by the way it's just all fake i'm just trying to sound good

i love my life for the minute actually i've got an headache which is doing me head in but apart from that things are good it would be so bad if we sobered up found fucking jesus sorted our life out and the podcast was like well actually i think that's very mean and that's the kind of thing that no one should say here's a fucking man's apologizeped ass. Just like to apologise for the accent I did in the James English episode. It was not Old Swan, that was more of like a Stoneycroft accent.

It was, oh yeah, more like the heatwave. Did you guys get any shit from people? I had one, one bit of shit. Who was? It wasn't a bit,

it was a mountain of shit. Was it? We had a lot, we got a lot of complaints from the disabled community. Because of your face yeah why

no don't talk over that one just let that fucking hair out james english that is fucking quality. You need a drink, man. We made some jokes that they weren't happy with. What? So we got someone writing in asking about catfishing, when you go on a date. So I asked Dan if he was talking to a girl he went on a date. Scratchy, scratchy,

scabby, scabby. Should we do a bit verbatim? Yeah, why not? They're not watching the episodes, are they? They're not. I hope not. So I said to Dan,

would you go on a date and she's in a wheelchair, would you like be asked? But she's live, she hasn't told you she was in the wheelchair. You've been talking for a while, she hasn't told you

and he said like, how wheelchair do you talk about wheelchair is it a pushy one or a motor one and what am I going to do with her while I'm having a go that sort of thing that's a very short version of a long clip

but a lot of our like avid fans because that's our type of humour inappropriate bollocks dark dark inappropriate bollocks and our fans love that clip

and that's why it was clipped out and put out on social media but when you put it out on social media like that it reaches people that aren't fans of yours our fans know that clip, and that's why it was clipped out and put out on social media. But when you put something out on social media like that, it reaches people that aren't fans of yours. Our fans know we're not knobheads, so they're not looking at that going, well, they're being horrible about disabled people.

They're going, they're just being dickheads like they always are. But disabled people don't see it that way. They see it as like it contributes to the struggle they face every day, so they would upset people. Some disabled people. Yeah. Not disabled people yeah not disabled people because we have loads of people that have got disabilities that love our show oh yeah but it's

those 20 those 25 people on twitter loud jesus they've got heavy thumbs you think you struggling with the comedy kind of things to keep it under the radar pg a lot of comedians are struggling and not frankie Boyle's totally changed That Used to be ruthless We've had Questions about Frankie Boyle About

How do you see it That he's sort of Way more woke now And he's sort of He fucking blocked me on Twitter Wow I don't even know him I've never spoke to him

Fucking blocked me Yeah That's interesting isn't it Yeah I get blocked by some people sometimes And I've never interacted with them Yeah I'm blocked by Lee Hurst I I've never interacted with them. Yeah.

I'm blocked by Lee Hurst. I think he might do a lot of blocking. Yeah. Yeah. What did you say? Absolutely nothing. No. I don't know, man.

I just find it fucking weird. I think Frankie Boyle started sort of working in circles where he's been more educated on why people are upset on things he's said. And I think he's looked at that and gone I don't want to be upset on anyone really I'm a different person

than I was when I was on Mocked a Week I don't really want to be doing that the way I look at it people do change but yeah if you're saying

a disabled thing and you're the backlash then you probably won't say it again so what he's done is very outspoken that's how he's created his platform

it creates fucking noise then once you start making money then you start getting a bit comfortable and you think narratives change well you're allowed to evolve as a person aren't you we've covered this a lot though on this like we've built this podcast on inappropriate humor and there's a reason like we've had networks offer to buy it and like put it on their thing and get us sponsors and all that and we just always say no because we're like you you're going to get us Andrex and then they're going to watch a clip

and go, you can't be saying that and having our puppies on the screen it just doesn't match up I think Dan Toll was sponsored by Gymshark as well, they took his sponsor off because he's outspoken on social media Dan Toll that's the way of the world man

you've got a boss, We don't want bosses. I'm the same. I've been offered that because of my gambling addiction. I got offered mega money from alcohol and gambling ads

and I knock it back. It's hard. And then obviously a lot of channels and documentaries want to do stuff for me, but then

I'll put down my ideas. So you know, I need to take that out, take that out. Fuck that, man. I'll grow a bigger platform than those.

I mean, I'll hit over a million subscribers this time next year so i'll become bigger than most mainstream telly anyway because it's the internet and it's it's free and you get to control the content and you're the executive producer and that's that's why we've made our bones making each other laugh like we would in a dressing room and that's why we stand out compared to the panel shows that are on tv when you've got executive producers doing what frankie boyle does and going oh no well that no that's not allowed and that's not allowed and goodness me you can't say that and that's sanitized and people are fucking adults and they can decide what they do and don't like that's people are bored of it and i noticed that this week we made a joke so dan was off last week with corona week we made a joke. So Dan was off last week

with Corona and we did a patron exclusive episode that was just me and Carl essentially just talking. And we made a joke that, I'm not going to repeat it, but it was what some people would consider racially insensitive.

Not racist, but racially insensitive. And one of the comments was essentially, that's a bit racially insensitive. And then there's a hundred replies to that comment going, are you new to the podcast? Get board this is they're just fucking about

stop being a dick because there's a million versions of mock the week you can go and watch and there's a million bbc sounds podcasts now that is a podcast version of the the bbc tv thing i'm not saying i never want to work for the bbc or i never will i'm not saying that what i'm saying is my favorite thing to do at the minute is this never will I'm not saying that what I'm saying is my favourite thing to do at the minute is this I'm starting to prefer it more than stand up at times

which is something I'd never thought I'd say but just sitting in this room for six hours a week talking shite to him and him and him and whoever sat on that couch it doesn't make

it doesn't get much freer than this I've watched your stuff I'm surprised you haven't gotten a lot more subscribers if I'm honest me being on your platform today will boost that

it's a very shrewd move but i watch i don't watch them like you'll see things pop up and i'll watch them and go yeah he's shit i don't need to worry about him everybody's competition to me but yeah i get offered all the time to go on podcast and i don't but i choose this one because i like you guys you are funny and i like comedy that's what it's all about zero fucks given no holds barred and do what the fuck you want to to do that he's ain't we ain't gonna make everybody love us i made a homeless documentary and people were giving me shit why and he's that why how could yeah but people ask what people are do part of me done that thinking anyway is to get kind of acceptance as well but no matter what way you look at that i've still done it but isn't that part of your life experience like yeah people just judge us we're a judgy bastards like i still judge i don't like

people so it's okay for people not to like me so just keep doing yours man just keep shooting for the star goal set and just keep smacking out the part minds are doing have you had people come to you going this is how we see it we could put you here yeah because because everything that we've just talked about, about the complaints and making each other laugh how we actually want to do would get fucking ruined by TV production.

Isn't that the same with you? Because they'd be like, you can't have this guest. My goodness, have you had offers that you've just batted away? So many times the last 12 months,

offers from everywhere. Especially the last 12 months where TV have panicked and gone, how do we make TV shows that are simple because in the past year telly has had to adapt to

coronavirus restrictions and all of the fucking bollocks of the pandemic and the the best form of the easiest form of entertainment in that scenario is

interviewing it it's it's what we do and what you do it's and everything in between it's sitting in a room talking and what you do it's and everything in between it's sitting in a room talking and either being really fucking interesting or really fucking funny and then they've gone how do we do that on on dave and comedy central how do we do that would it not be in a podcast so they want to bring podcast hosts to their channel because they want to

they're not doing it because they they necessarily want to make what you've got they just want you to drag your audience to their channel that's all they're trying to do that's that's all everything's to do with views i've just had 50 million views there i'll have 100 million by the next 12 months i'll double that again everything's consistency people always say oh you put too much stuff out but why every guest i put out brings in a different audience from different areas different different somebody doesn't know me but they might know one guest but then they know you

then the name sticks and then when they speak about you you go I don't like that prick or yeah he's good but what happens is I'm very good at creating things that people don't see

and then what happens is they talk about it create a wee bit of confrontation nobody really knows about it but then they'll talk about it and then it just brings in more income the more eyes on my stuff makes me more money

I've got over 400 videos on my YouTube channel everyone makes money everyone's popping so the more people talk about me positive, negative it makes me money is there a guest

that you really want? like who are you shooting for? Billy Connolly Billy Connolly the rest I can get once I go to America I tried to get into America last month

the fuckers wouldn't let me in once I go to America then it's game time I'll take a shit global And then once I'm global Then I'll be more appreciated here There's 200 interviews there At every one of fucking next level

There's always something in it to pick up No matter if you like the guest or not There's some information there That you can go fucking in Andrew Schultz says that Haters and Fans and haters Pay the same price of admission

Yeah It's all views isn't it Yeah It's just like Business man Yeah The way we always see it with like we're trying to grow this we knew when we started it i had a small platform because i'd had a few stand-up videos go viral over the past few years and we'd done a podcast

together and dan was like let's do one together because the one we the episode of mine and dan's that we did together just did well and then then from there, this has sort of snowballed and built. And every sort of move we make at the minute is, how do we get more eyes on it? Because the amount of comments we get, especially when we have a YouTuber on, like Stephen Tries is a big YouTube lad from Manchester. I don't know whether you know him, but he's been on a few times.

And every time he's on, that episode does sort of double what everyone else's does, because he'll post the videos for us us he'll post a picture of him sat on the couch i was on this this week and it gets eyes on it and then all the comments in that episode are how the fuck has this only got 10 000 subscribers it's on 17 or something now how has it only got this and those people stay and then they become patreons and it's just getting more and more different new eyes on we try and we try and give all of our comedy mates a leg up by getting them on because this has become a fairly big platform compared to do the comedy podcast now but we've got to get other people on we've got to get you on we've

got to get paddy the baddie pimblit on we've got to get jamie webster on like they've we've got to get different eyes that aren't just our mates because they've got the same audience we've got just on a smaller scale that burns out that's why I'll have a gangster porn star politician football player because I'm bringing eyes from every fucking walks of life youtuber on whatever

you'll tend to see I could have the biggest get I had Gaz on and it only had 300,000 views so I've had the fucking Joe blogs

around the corner the guy who's robbed a bank but yeah it'll hit a million so it's not about the people who's been in the mainstream media either because

people are sick of hearing their shite well we noticed that or being sold something yeah when people have got a book to sell when people have got a film coming up it's the same sort of like all those fucking fake like anecdotes and the witty banter yeah it's interviewing people for the sake of good interviewing like that's where your stuff it never feels like there's a sales pitch at any

point doesn't never never strikes me as like oh this guy's on because he really needs to fucking flog something i'm sure like that does happen but of course man but there's got to be everybody it's a win-win you're getting to promote your stuff i'm getting views that's it but what happens is sometimes people come on i'll interview them they'll do amazing a lot of people who's been on my podcast will then start their own podcast which is fucking great but because you've gave them such a good interview they then start thinking forgetting about me who's actually took on a journey to create something powerful and then they start their own podcast to go fuck me they don't it doesn't hit the heights that i can get to so oh we noticing that in the comedy industry too James people they sit there

and then they go away and they go I could buy those microphones and talk shit for a bit and then they last three weeks we've started to notice I put in a group the other day it's not necessarily the biggest guests as well

I get the biggest views in here the biggest viewed episodes we get are the best episodes it's the one that people go away and talk about so a couple of weeks ago we had a run with I think it was five ago we had a run with a i think it was five weeks we had four acts who were like touring level or every single one of

them's done live at the apollo at least once i think maybe all of them twice apart from one lad who doesn't tour yet he's just a comedy club guy and he's never done the apollo he's never done any tv and that's the highest viewed episode because it's the funniest and most interesting one. If anyone wants to know what episode that was, it was Thomas Green. And if you do skip episodes and you haven't watched that one yet,

the Thomas Green episode is fucking brilliant. But has he got a problem with drink or drugs, really? He's Australian. Oh, it's the same thing. Yeah. And he was in a cult,

which is sort of like, it's sort of like verbal cracker cult, isn't it? Have you had any guests yourself you thought, you're a fucking prick? Yeah. Check me.

Yeah. One or two! Yeah. And we still put them out, so. A little in-joke, James. Is, because yous are together,

yous have got a team, so it's not as painful when yous get shit. I do this myself So I've got to deal with everything myself Yeah That's difficult Yous can fucking

When someone shite If you watch any of our episodes If you're a religious watcher If someone shite There's a lot more just here In the guest section Do you know what I mean? Yeah

Because they'll either go quiet Or they're not joining in with the fun Or they're When we in with the fun or they're, when we're clearly being a fucking idiot. Like, I'll make inappropriate jokes all the time. And if someone's like, no, no, no, I'm actually being quite serious here about, you know,

Oh, that clangs. That chicken farming that I used to do was a really serious part of my life. And if I'm like, you're a fucking chicken farmer, if they're like, yeah, and there's nothing funny about that, then that's at the point where we go

oh okay yeah have you got no production help no no editor you got an editor yeah Nick yeah good guy man

is he there with you in the recording you just on your own sometimes depends the guest I'll go myself depends the guest everything's just get a feel for it you speak to them on the phone

say okay they'll open up better if it's just me and them yeah I mean I've never been part of a team before this is the only time i've like you ever worked on it like being how you're doing your stuff now is way more like how i lived as a comic for fucking ages it is weird being part of a team where you sort of enjoy it better though yeah there's we've done some live shows where it's a it's a fucking great feeling being part of a little gang and sharing it together instead of doing what we do normally which is

being like that's a fucking great gig and then 10 minutes later you're on the motorway this is a future though this is a future for the next five to ten years but even used even stand-up comedy on the mate even just sitting with a table there Used to just sitting Having a blare And getting people on Is better Because it's more interaction I believe People can adapt to it better Stand up comedy's amazing

There's fucking great people Out there But this is different Like UK tour You've just got to be thinking UK tour Taking it everywhere And taking it

Edinburgh Festival The fucking world's yours The now man I'm telling you It's fucking brilliant What he's doing guys But it's all down to you Do you hear that

Do you remember When I used to go to the WhatsApp group And then just every day You just You just go on For a fucking great pal Don't worry about that

We're going to have a break Before we go I'm good at accents I'm really good So Get someone on from Glasgow And be like Hang on

I've got fucking got it I'm a James English Little announcements On the Monday The 19th of July The I'm going, I've got fucking got it. I'm a James English. Little announcements. On the Monday, the 19th of July, the show, just because we're talking about live shows, the show in London at the Underbelly Festival, which is currently sold out,

on Monday, the 19th of July, assuming the announcement is that restrictions are going to lift, they're going to release an extra 200 tickets and they will be available on a first-come, first-served basis. There's nothing we can do about it. As soon as the underbelly decide to put the extras on sale that's when they'll go on sale so if you do want to come to that and you've missed out set an alarm for monday the 19th of july and go and check the underbelly website nice one let's have a break and then we'll do the second half what's happening guys oh look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on.

What you need, lad, is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com. You want some official Have A Wared merch? Go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then. Instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad. Go and haveawaypod.com oh it has got hot in here so take off all your clothes me and james have stripped a bit you would already strip down like this t-shirt by the way thanks very much babe thanks peace and yours thank you i don't know what i saw yeah some kids sent me actually this is uh my way of getting past the stupid dormant rule in Liverpool

I don't wear a lot of Hugo Boss stuff anyway if at all this is a Hugo Boss top but did you know did you know in Liverpool

you can't get into any bars wearing Hugo Boss why? because they associate it with bellends that's a fair point there's probably a

couple more brands now divided onto it any Glasgow branding issues Lacoste oh really Kappa Kappa

he's trying to get into the club yeah Lacoste is Lacoste is up there no fucking Lonsdale on Socky Hall studio

you dirty bastard Schlesinger oh you just targeted his annoyance if you were Schlesinger

I actually like tennis and kids oh mate straight out of Sports Direct oh fucking hell got some correspondence yeah good one

our listeners write a lot of shite in they often ask us for advice how to solve their relationship problems and we we tend to, you know,

really help them as best we can. I've got a question. Well, just, I didn't want to start with the Havowords because recently we always end on some Havowords where we don't really fucking help. But I saw this question and I thought of you. Jack Cooper says, what is the highest weight class in women's MMA or boxing

that you could realistically become a world champion in? Because I know you like a fucking rumble, James. You like talking. Have I got time to train? Oh, six weeks? No, it's literally today. You can't become a world champion today. Well, I don't know, but in your head,

if you take six weeks, you can do fucking anything. No, I reckon give me a year. Right. And I could... James isn't going to let you drink for that year, by the way. There's a lot of classes, by the way. A lot of weight classes. So what's the highest weight class?

Big lady! I mean, what is their weight? Put the telly on. Let's have a look. Give us the statistics that we need. It's a lot more than I thought.

I mean, there's not that many belts, obviously. So, I don't think I could be heavyweight or light heavyweight.

You don't reckon you could beat a 14 stone woman in a fight? No. If she's a... For a woman to be 14 stone and fit... Yeah, yeah i suppose they'd have to be a lot

bigger than me what are you i'm like 220 pounds or something now i'm like 14 and a half stone i thought you were very american that i'm about 220 225 i'm looking at this so i'm a little bit heavier than heavyweight but I'm not fit am I where are you clocking in James in the whole you know not to weight shame anyone but where are we what

weight classification are you going in at heavyweight we don't want a weight shame I'm 14 and a half stone and who are you and if you you're taking on Sandra

from fucking is she a heavyweight Clyde Bank and she's a bit feisty she's not got lacrosse on mate I've taken on she's wearing slasinger you don't even want to touch her I'm and she's a bit feisty. She's not got lacrosse on me. She's wearing slasinger, you don't

even want to touch her. I'm running. She's got a tennis racket. I think it would be depressingly low, you know?

Well, they're trained fighters, aren't they? Yeah, they'll fuck you up, they'll get you, especially if it's MMA, they'll get

you in an arm bar. Basically, I need to use my fat gut to just lie on her. That's how that's going to go down so it's minimum weight then it's basically going to be like me having sex with a girl under 25 years old that's how it's going to look awful I would punch any woman's head in who's only 11 stone six middleweight I think they would tie you up so much yeah you're fucked mate

yeah I don't think she can handle what I've got. What have you got? What have you got? Power. Strength. Male bone density. Male bone density! It's a legitimate thing.

Yeah. It's not a good fucking fighting nickname, is it? I reckon if I'm shredded, I reckon that takes me what? A year? What? A year to be shredded You got the gym James Come on bro

That's a bad question Don't start with the jokes now Do you reckon I could get shredded in a year Yeah No you could of course Anybody can Yeah of course you could So I'm shredded

What weight should you be 12 stone 12 and a half I think Yeah you lose that in six months Yeah Yeah You're not good But you could

Could yeah Easy Right Easy if I've got a focus And she's 11 stone 6 So I'm I'm a man She fucking

Twat you You're all mental Yeah you look at that Linda Well No no no We're not just talking professional We're talking World champion Yeah So we're talking world champion.

Yeah. So we're talking the best at their way. So Amanda Nunes is 66K. This isn't just, oh, can you twat a woman? So you think you'd bat at Amanda Nunes? Easily. I was fair to see you turn you into dust. Oh, I'd love it so much.

Fuck that. How much of that? I'd literally it so much fuck that how much I'd literally sign up to our own Patreon to watch you get twatted by Amanda Nunes yeah you'd fall like a chair brother

what fucking Amanda am I shredded am I shredded I'm fucking shredded she'd absolutely snap your dick off I assume I'm training

like with MMA people as well it doesn't matter they've been doing it all their lives you can learn anything in like six weeks famously

two days two days can you answer it because like look I'm confident you're even more confident than I am

from the pre-picture what's Ronda Rousey I think well Ronda got battered by Nunes so she's probably what's her name Ronda

what's her name Ronda Rousey she's smoking mate you would do anything to be in a ring with her. So she's a little bit lower. She's 61. To have her snap your fucking arm the wrong way around.

She's like a lightweight. Do you know, when you do these hypotheticals, it's not really like to go, in a year I could get shredded and also train for MMA. It all just becomes a bit like, you're saying if I could get dead good at it and I could beat one of these, it would

be easy to go right now today as you are without any made up like ninja training where do you think you could who do you think you could handle um flyweight eight stone there's none of them what you mean you they would all media an eight An eight stone? A seven stone woman wouldn't murder you if she's trained in all of them all mixed martial arts. I wouldn't even know if she'd hit me.

Seven stone? She wouldn't have to hit you? She'd just put your arm up your arse and you'd be gone? That's not a move, Carl. Amanda Nunes doing the puppet.

She would. Fucking hell, she's doing the finger mouse. Joe Rogan's like I'd literally like kick them before they got near me nah

I'd no bollocks so what do you think me yeah they would all batter me do you do

when you go gym do you do fight training yeah I done a bit of Muay Thai years ago and boxing I've actually got a fight coming up 2nd October

what have you yeah what's her name Linda Rousey Rhonda Rhonda Rousey Rhonda Rousey

who are you fighting I don't know yet I think the boy Blue from Blue Lee Ryan fuck off yeah

oh my god is he training yeah he is now he's in he was with Anthony Joshua yesterday the cunt

yeah who's your trainer hang on hang on I don't know I'm going to call it Is he training? Yeah, he is. Now he's with Anthony Joshua. Yeah, he still did a can. Yeah. Who's your trainer? Hang on. Hang on. I don't know. I'm going to call it a bad guy. Joe Kozagi. Someday.

Someday decent. Lee Ryan from Blue. Yeah. You know when you said that before you named him? Did you know? You were like, I've got a fight coming up in October.

It did sound like you were going to be fighting like a boxer or... Yeah, yeah. Is it boxing? Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking... It like a boxer or, is it boxing? Yeah. Yeah, it's a fucking, it's in the O2 arena. What? Can we get you on the bill? I'd love to see you fight Hannah from Steps.

Hannah from S Club 7 or something. Oh, it'd be amazing. It's October, man. What is it? There's like eight different fights. Oh, so it's like a little charity I wouldn't say it's a fucking charity

It's proper man They've got Who's the guy Buffer Coming on doing the Bruce Yeah Are you getting paid for it?

Yeah fuck's sake We're not doing it for free Fucking hell And then we've got Davina McCall's doing the Interviews and shit It's proper Sold out

O2 Arena Manchester Over 10,000 people Boxing not MMA Boxing That's the difference between America and the UK

and I'm not chilling biggest podcaster in the UK fights Lee Ryan from Blue the biggest one in America

fights Floyd Mayweather It's all about levels brother I told you it's the all fat drink big things happen It's not been announced yet

is it now? no nah so that's an exclusive there bam yeah boom lovely yeah

mad another question you're on death row and have to pick this is from Robin Bolan by the way you're on death row and have to pick

what your last meals would be starter, main, dessert and drink two. What would you go for, James? Ooh. Do you get all that if you're on death row? Do you get to pick a starter aside? Yeah, you're not allowed.

And what do you want for dessert, babe? No, no, no, no. Porridge. I like a bit of porridge, a bit of honey, blueberries. Porridge? Yeah. For your main or your starter? My starter. Porridge starter? James a bit of porridge, a bit of honey, blueberries. Porridge? Yeah. For your main or your starter? My starter.

Porridge starter? James is getting executed at breakfast. To be fair, I think that's how they do it. They do it at dawn, don't they? I want tempura prawns as my starter. Tempura prawns? I can't even say it.

Tempura prawns. Right, okay. With a sweet chilli dip. Right. It's a good starter You're in a fucking Bangkok prison Yeah

He's in Bangkok I think Yeah Adam's getting executed At Cheshire Oaks So Imagine saying to a screw Can I have some 10 pion of prawns Please

Yeah you're definitely Getting bummed out of prison Roast dinner With lamb and chicken Roast dinner yeah Right It'd take ages to burn you though You'd be fat as fuck

Yeah Is it your plan to not burn me You know what I mean You are essentially getting burned What fucking prison Do you think I'm just Setting people on fire Well you are getting burned

Essentially No you're not You're getting electrocuted Injections That causes burns I don't think they're using old sparky anymore mate

that stopped in the forties fuck's sake oh I thought we were going old school electric chair and it was just injections now wasn't it I think we were all

watching the green mile in our head so tired now boss I've had all the tempura fucking prawns big fucking burp instead

god my worry with the old death row meal is that you'd go oh I want this thing that's just exactly

how my mum used to make it and then some lazy useless cunt that worked in the prison fucking kitchen would just ruin it

so your last meal would be like oh I'd love I'd love a leg of lamb for my last meal and then they do a shit version of it so your last meal would be like, oh, I'd love a leg of lamb for my last meal. And then they do a shit version of it. So your last meal is a bastardized version of what you love.

Isn't that even worse? You bring it in, don't cook it in the kitchen. All right, okay. Yeah, yeah. You could say you wanted a machis. Yeah. You'd have to go and get it. You don't just have to try and do their best

to make a big mach. They go and get you a big mach. Got big machs at home. How annoying would that be if they forgot the sweet and sour sauce? You're like, oh. What are you going for, if you mean? Full English.

Yeah. That's a fucking tough question. I like my food. I fucking love my food, in fact. In this scenario, you're not going to love it for long, so... You get to finish it. I'd say a roast dinner as well

you can take ages with a roast dinner that's not how it works no they don't go you've got 20 minutes to eat it yeah they do mate they're not like

you finish up babes well we were meant to execute my ape but he's not even finished his mains never mind the fucking angel delight he's got for pudding

which would be a weird fucking choice and pure prone roast dinner with lamb chicken uh carrot and swede mash roast potatoes pigs in blankets fucking humorless when we talk about food when we talk about food adam stops being like oh what a lovely glaze what's the joke there is no joke i love it are'd have fajitas mate fajitas I love Mexican mate yeah

what's your pudding milky bar yoghurt 10 port-a-pots you should do a food podcast it would be dry as fuck milky bar yoghurt milky bar yoghurt

with dairy milk to dip into it makes it like a marble you know what I mean and me drink of course because non-alcoholic

non-alcoholic I'd have a virgin mezzo what the fuck would be the point of not drinking when you were getting your last meal

well I wouldn't want an alcoholic beverage because I want to be sharp as fuck for when I get executed but what if like just before they're about to execute you they go actually just found new evidence and he's free you don't want an alcoholic beverage because I want to be sharp as fuck for when I get executed. What if, like, just before they're about to execute you, they go, actually, just found new evidence,

and he's free? You don't want to have broke your sobriety? The best drink is the antidote to the thing they're putting in you. Just drink a big pint of that, and they can't fucking kill you then. Yeah, that's smart. What is the antidote to cyanide?

Semen. Semen? Semen. Oh, right, okay. Just drink a big pint of right okay a big pint of cum that's what the weird gay fucking abusive guards telling you imagine if that's how they found out what the antidote to cyanide was though if you just asked for like a fucking uh a bramble and then you didn't die and they were like must be fucking slow gin imagine

that word is so abused on this podcast imagine shall we do have a word yeah hi the four musketeers

and random new guy who's popped up in the last two episodes Steve's not here can you have a word with myself I'm just coming up to 40 years old

alright Dan and still see myself as in my 20s. I still listen to hip-hop, which my wife thinks is embarrassing. Also, I still like a puff of the green every night to relax. I don't do it in front of my kids because I'm not an animal, but I don't really drink and see puffing a cheeky joint each night as the same as people who have a beer or wine to relax after work am i a cunt or should wifey back off i work and pay my bills etc so don't see why

i should stop love the pod can't wait for you to visit glasgow cheers kane who's puffiness who's puffiness puffing smoking yeah Ah. So he's on the weed? Yeah. Junkie. Were you ever on the weed? Yeah, 12 years. Yeah. You don't do it anymore?

No. No. Space cadet. What? You're a space cadet. I am? Yeah. Do you know what that's saying?

Yeah. No? You don't know what that's saying? No. A space cadet? Space cadet. People who smoke weed. You're not really there

you're spaced out yeah it's the only time I've watched two full episodes of Columbo back to back and thought

they were fucking amazing it's on the rare few times when someone's like do you want a bit of this weed and you're like yeah I'll give it a try which I've never enjoyed

was this at 9am on a Tuesday morning probably not when Columbo's on no not much later I just sat not. When Columbo's on? No, not much later. I just sat there going, fuck, Columbo's amazing.

I have this fucking ecstasy and I'm gonna watch me out of the sheet house. Come on, man. So is it only weed? Yeah, because it just heightens, like,

just makes, I don't know, I never got weed. I know people fucking love it and there's no judgment, but I do not see the need to be like, to make things that are a bit dull

thoroughly fascinating. The thing with weed smokers, there's always excuses. There's always, judgment but i do not see the need to be like to make things that are a bit dull thoroughly fascinating the thing with weed smokers there's always excuses there's always they've got so many excuses to back it up that's the only thing that it's good for you it cures cancer it's this and that it's not addictive how many weed smokers you know they're like it's not addictive you're like well you seem to be doing it four times a day for as long as i've fucking known you that looks addictive i shit four times a day i'm not addicted to pooing you absolutely are try stop pooing i could stop yeah you could stop anytime you want see you fucking wednesday james is the one you miss the most out of everything you've stopped

it's the one thing you think oh no the coke was constantly chased the booze for the first three hours is good yeah the weed was good At a point as well Where the food tasted better Really Oh yeah Because you got the mochi Yeah And the things were funnier Yeah

Should have maybe smoked a joint Before I came here I don't know It's just that Well it's just fucks with your brain Don't it The people who smoke weed If you're going for a heart transplant

You fucking not going to get The guy who's stoned You want the one Who's in a conscious state You don't want the guy Who's had a line in Do you Well

He goes faster i would rather have the guy who'd had a line of cocaine than the guy who was stoned i'd rather you're not gonna forget mt really yeah you've seen fucking purple serpents have you tried dmt no have you ayahuasca i done oh you did a documentary costa rica yeah was that in the past three years no that was two years Have you? Ayahuasca I done. Oh, you did a documentary about it, didn't you? Costa Rica. Yeah? Was that in the past three years? No, that was two years. So I was kind of going through a journey,

but people frowned upon it, telling you you can't do that, it's still a drug. Fuck that, I'm making a documentary, that gives me the free pass. Get fucked up standing in the middle of the jungle. Was it amazing? I was in hell. So they say when you drink this,

it makes you face all your fears and demons, not just from this life, but previous lives, because it's got I was in hell. So they say when you drink this, it makes you face all your fears and demons, not just from this life, but previous lives, because it's got DMT in it, which the brain releases when you die. So they say it's a shortcut to happiness. But you're in this jungle, it felt like a fucking cult.

You're at just 60 mattresses on the floor, everybody's drinking this, people shitting themselves, pissing themselves. I was laughing all the time. I was a laughing man. I kept fucking laughing, but they kept working on me. It's scary. Tell me to surrender, surrender. I was laughing all the time, I was a laughing man, I kept fucking laughing, but they kept working on me, it's scary, telling me to surrender, surrender, I was like, fuck that man, you take this cup, first hour it's brand new, take the second cup, you're gone, the roof opens,

and it's fucking game time, nasty, but I'm still in a good place, but a lot of people who took it slipped back, I think a lot of people search for things externally, looking for the shortcut, looking for things to take, To take them away from their pain So this was just another escape from me It's an excuse I'm making a documentary But part of me still wanted to get fucked up And I did

Fuck me I did That shit lasts for 10 hours of time What did you say? What a journey Everything Pain Misery man Death

Fucking There's a fire outside When you go up to the fire You say a name And the face pops up, fucking freaky, that's fucking freaky shit, but a lot of people,

you'll tend to see a lot of weed smokers, go to these places, a lot of weed smokers, then go DMT, so it's just a constant replacement, only thing with weed smokers, it's a dangerous game, because it fucks with your mental health,

no matter who you are, anybody that smokes weed, will tell you, they're so unreliable, people can say, I can still go to the gym I can still work But

Let's plan something Fucking two weeks in advance But you'll cancel at some point Because their heads are fucking wasted They've got good intentions But I hate that more than anything in the world You know

Flaky Flaky If we're going somewhere We're going Unless we both agree That we don't want to go Yeah But if you're like

On the day Ah Something's You know You know me nan's gerbil Ah It's got cystitis again So I can't come that we don't want to go. Yeah. But if you're like on the day, ah, Sutton's, you know, you know me nan's gerbil? Ah, it's got cystitis again. So,

I can't come. It's not the same as booze. Although I can see why a lot of weed smokers are sound, but like, booze is everywhere. Booze is social. Weed smoking

is really solitary. You know, like I know people will do it with the missus and some people will do it with their mates, but ultimately it's quite a solitary thing. A lonely drug. When we were at after parties,

I fucking hated it when someone pulled out a massive bag of green because you're like, they're gone. Because I didn't enjoy doing it. But within an hour and a half, they'd be like... Because they fucking mess their head up. It's so strong. Really good weed will send you in your own head

a little bit you've got skunk now which is powerful stuff people think they're fine their face changes colour they look like the fucking Hulk there's a smell from them their face changes colour

it's not that I'm putting anybody down because that is an escape I replaced one thing I smoked more weed when I was coming off everything in my late 20s because people say

oh you're not as angry Or you're not doing this So it becomes more chill So people actually accept you Taking a drug because You don't really say much I I've never

I've never been a drug guy And I've done weed A handful of times Do you do heroin? I would do heroin Oh nice Do you do crack? I would do crack

Yeah But he doesn't need to poo I did weed with Sloss once And all the lads At the All right, nice. Did you do crack? I will do crack. Yeah, but he doesn't need to poo. I did weed with Sloss once and all the lads in that group and I thought it hadn't affected me. So I took like a little bit and it's getting passed around. And then after a while,

I just went, I don't think this is affecting me. And Gareth went, you've been staring at the garage for three minutes. I just love garages. I think if you're smoking a bit of weed, it is similar to having a drink, isn't it?

It's all the same. I just think if you're doing your shit, if you've got kids and you're paying your bills, I just think being 40 is such a fucking bullshit like thing to be like you're too old for this now there's what my my parents can get absolutely fucking hammered on a box of wine every night and that's totally socially acceptable but this guy's doing all this shit i think he needs to i think kane's living his life how he wants to i don't like weed but i think it depends on how the relationship started.

If he's always been like this, then she needs to fuck off. She needs to shut up. I mean, I don't mean leave him. If he's always been like this and she's come into a relationship with a guy who she knows is a weed smoker, always has been, that's always been his thing and he's not harming anyone or himself.

Like he's just doing it recreationally and it's not getting out of hand. She needs to go, that's who he is and I knew that when I started the relationship. If he started doing this after he's just doing it recreationally and it's not getting out of hand. She needs to go, that's who he is and I knew that when I started the relationship. If he started doing this after he's had kids and it's a new thing and he's like, look, I've stopped drinking as much

but now I'm getting onto this. Maybe it's not for her. I think it depends on how the relationship was formed. I just think if you're in your 40s, man, you're a fucking loser if you're doing it like, you're just escaping from something. That tells me you're not in a happy relationship,

not in a happy job. You're escaping from some sort of pain. It's okay maybe at the start of both of these are smoking it but then if somebody starts putting on the weight in a relationship somebody starts going to the gym the energies don't match anymore so it becomes more conflict so if there's becoming more conflict and you can't tell someone to change you need to change within but for me in your 40s you get kids get a fucking grip of your life man stop being a mug i uh definitely think some of that advice could be leveled at me as well i do all right we've got loads of patrons it's just like a bit of coke um another one that uh that literally rung far too true. As James was giving advice to some 40-year-old that I don't know called Kane, I was like, I'm doing fine.

Kane is very similar to Dan, isn't it? Apart from the K and knowing. Do you put that question on yourself, Dan? This is from Kane. This is from Daniel. All right, lads, please have a word with my mate matt last weekend we went out in leeds for a day session drinking which ended up being a messy one we ended up deciding to get a taxi back to my flat but by this point matt was in a bad way and decided it was a good idea to

shit himself in the taxi and make it look like a feeks and a fecal jackson pollock ended up having to pay the 80 pound fine and walk him home. He remembers nothing of this and now is refusing to pay the fine, saying he has no memory of it happening and that we should never have got the taxi in the first place if we knew he was in such a bad state. Am I right in thinking that he should stop being a rat and pay us the money? Love the pod, John.

Yeah. Sorry. He's made shit in a taxi. How were they meant to get home if they weren't getting a taxi? Dirty bastard. You got any horrible stories that embarrass you from your days you ever pooed in a taxi? I've got many, mate. Many, many stories.

A lot of fucking heavy stories, but... Come on. Just one, just one. I've got one fucked up one. Okay. I was actually going to keep it for my own podcast when I do my own story. Oh, James.

Come on. It's nasty. Come on. How nasty do you want it? As nasty as you want to go. Oh. Fuck it. Yes.

Right, so, my dad got diagnosed with leukaemia. Here we go. Yeah. Drum, drum, drum. drum Hang on let me just It was fucked So Dying

Got three months to live So I was heavy on the weed then Heavy on the weed I was taking a lot of coke A lot of valium at the time So obviously he didn't want to die in the hospital Brought him back To die in the house So He's come back for a few weeks And amser. Felly yn amlwg doedd e ddim eisiau marw yn y gofal, a chafodd e'n ôl i marw yn y tŷ. Felly mae e wedi dod yn ôl am ychydig wythnosau ac mae e yn y tŷ ac yn ceisio gwneud e'n hynod o'i haws.

Ac yn amlwg mae e wedi marw. Mae hynny'n dda. Roedden ni'n disgwyl ei fod yn ymwneud â hynny ond yn amlwg mae e'n dal yn anodd. Felly rwy'n yn ffocio fel y ffyc. Roedd fy mab ar y tro. Ymlaen i'r teulu a'r ffrindiau, mae'r cyfrifwyr wedi dod i mewn a wedi gofyn ei ffordd. Felly mae e'n ar y cais. all the family and friends have come round, undertakers have come in, fixed his body, so he's lying on the couch, they fixed his body, got the covers and shut up here, and he's got the fucking hands like this, fucking, and obviously the family's going out,

this kind of circus goes late at night, nine, ten, my mum's went to walk with her sister, but I'm fucking stoned out of my box, I'm high as a kite, me and my nephew, so he's fucking lying on the couch,

he's dead, do you know what I mean, so we're thinking, fuck it, no emotion yet, because nothing's really hurt you so i phoned you hungry he's like yeah so i phoned a munch so i phoned the delivery it's my dad's friends raj i pretended to be my dad so i says look raj i'm going to get a delivery but get us a pizza chips cut a can of juice get a delivery to about 18 quid so i say look i've just took my medication so if i've um if i fall asleep when you chat with door and i fell asleep just come in so fucking hang me then he's uh 45 minutes later see the car drive

up me and my young nephew's jumped in the kitchen dad's hands like that i put the 20 quid in his hand guys chat the door, James, James, no answer, come in, I swear you not, we were looking through the door, he's saying,

James, it's just your food here, he's moving, he's giving the body a wee fucking shake, took the 20 quid, left the pizza in the floor, and fucked off out the door, and that was that,

listen, it was either that, or painting his fucking face, it was, so, ah shit shit you're not that This That guy did not know To this day

That he was dead To this day? No Yeah to now Ah Clip that out Let's get him tagged That's fucking amazing

Yeah Stoned out my box man My dad would have laughed at that Of course he would. Yeah. That's so unbelievably funny. How much of a heavy sleeper was your dad that his mates are like,

yeah, he's cold and I can't fucking move anymore. 20 quid's 20 quid. Yeah. Take the fucking money, man. Try to shoot the body and fucks off. You know, in reality, that delivery guy stole 20 pounds off a dead man. Yeah, measurable bastard.

Gave him a pizza, though measurable bastard gave him a pizza though one that he had no use for anymore no did anyone find out on the day did you get away with that no i kind of told people i cut a days later but they weren't happy why but he's fucking dead i don't even have some fun or shave his eyebrows or paint his face i can see why you gave up a lot of this you know the old booze and the weed and i think that's a different i think that was just to cope yeah yeah yeah but and you think it's funny and then you think that's not fucking right but it is a bit funny it is funny that's how you deal with it and it's how you deal with death is so absurd when you are

next to it it's like i remember when it. Death is so absurd when you are next to it. It's like, I remember when my mum died, the people that were the most like, we're all like, like friends but not the closest people to the family

because when you're right next to it, when it's your like mum or your brother or whatever, it's such a shock in that initial stage. You can do fucked up

things like that. You're almost like not in the room. You're so back nut bro. Yeah yeah i'd definitely do something like that in fact i'm now planning for when people in my life die what i'm gonna do to them did you ever see the guy who died went under but he had the voice recorder and he's coughing and he's shouting hello hello let me out guy in irelandied when I put him down So I think the son Or the daughter

Has put a voice recorder Shouting help Help I'm out As if he's knocking What the fuck is going on But they'd already planned it Before he died

That's so funny As you go up to the ulcers To give them the final See you later Grandad Just slip a little Fucking Slip your phone in Who's ringing there Sean Give them the final. See you later, Grandad. Just slip a little fucking.

Slip your phone in. Who's ringing there? Sean! Do we want to do another or are we wrapping it? Are we calling that a pod? I think we do one more. You do one more? I always say one more. I was going to say that's the good peak,

but let's go again. It's not really Adam's style, is it, to be like... I'm always right as well. Yeah. Hello, lids. Big fan of the pod and all the work you're doing recently sub to patreon and the extra content is quality got a bit of a problem i am due to get married in five weeks third time of trying word had a bit of a piss up the other day and my brother who is meant to be my best man

ended up getting mortal and got into an argument with my missus because she was tidying up around the house before the end of the night. He started calling her a busy cunt, along with a barrage of other insults, largely alcohol-fueled. So we get stuck into it with each other, throw a couple of handbags. The next day, my missus calls him to sort it out ahead of the wedding, and instead of being apologetic and sincere, he decided to double down and said we were sly, looked down on him, et cetera.

I think he was embarrassed and was being defensive. Now I am stuck in a shit position. My missus is not happy with him for being, not happy with him being the best man and doesn't feel comfortable having him speak at the wedding, telling people how much he loves us, et cetera, and I seem to agree with her. I should mention that my brother and I are close.

We are 10 months apart. Parents were shaggers. Have the same mates. We're in the same class at school. But his actions have put me in a shit situation just weeks from my wedding with no sign of an apology from him. Can you have a word with him and tell him to stop being a cunt and own up to his mistakes

or should i accept what has happened and uh relieve him of his duties at the wedding thanks anonymous irish twins hey irish twins that's what they call it when you're born within a year of your sibling in it all right what's the the the joke is that your parents just straight into the shagging like irish because Irish families, historically, had a lot of children, didn't they? There was no contraception. So it was just like, you know, that one's out. Let's get another one in there.

Also, women are immensely fertile, aren't they? Not long after they've had a baby. Are they? Yeah. It can happen. But in terms of having a brother or a partner, I've got mates who've got brothers who are a year or so older than them,

and they're always the ones that are the best at fighting because they've kicked the shit out of each other the whole of the way through childhood. Just fucking fought all the way. Have you ever been married? No, never been engaged. Never been engaged. Never been kissed.

I had two girls pregnant at the same time. What? Two girls pregnant at the same time. You've had two girls pregnant at the same time? Yeah. How long ago was this? Three years. 10, 11 years.

10, 11 years ago? Oh my god Did they both have the baby? I think so You think so? Yeah of course It's my fucking son and daughter But they're a similar age?

Yeah 10 and 11 5 months apart Wow That must have been Wow Do you want to do a have a word? Yeah That was the time

where the pizza delivery and shit yeah that was all that fucking time just got out of prison as well a few months before that that was a mad

that's a heavy year that is fucking hell that's nothing that's nothing we do about 14 podcasts with you you know yeah

that's nothing mate even all the people that's been on my show, my story's fucked up. It goes deep. That's how I can relate to the majority of people. Yeah. Of different levels.

You're going to do your own story on your own podcast or something, aren't you? Yeah, but I've not found anybody good enough to do it. I feel as if I can take it on a journey. Yeah, I don't think. When was the last time you had a drink? Fuck off! I feel as if I can take it on a John Lee. Yeah, I don't think. Really? When was the last time you had a drink?

Fuck off! James is trying to tell his story. And we're like, no, you went out in April, you fucking prick. They're both preggo. Who was the better shag? Oh, that lad, the brother, the groom is he's in a the groom is in a really

awkward situation because his brother's not going to the wedding it's not going to happen like his brother is obviously very defensive very insecure

can't admit he's done something wrong he's not going to in time it'll drag on for ages eventually it'll all be fine but he won't do it in time and his missus won't want him there

and he'll need a new best man and then the new best man is going to be like oh I'm the fucking back up best man which is a shit thing to be in it you need to fix this mate

you need to fix this it's not up to your missus to fix it it's not up to your brother you've got to fix this because like your missus if you're going to

if the third time trying is going to work you cannot underestimate how important this day is to her and your brother's always gonna be your brother before this goes horrifically wrong and lasts for years you need to quietly try and sort this out with your brother because this shit's important you can't be like well you fucked up fuck off because it could be five years you could end up losing a brother just because of a stupid fucking argument before a wedding.

You really need to sort this out. It's not on your missus. It's about you trying to sort your brother out. Weddings are such heightened states of affairs, and he's a fucking dick for making it like this, but you've got to fix it. Unruly siblings are a problem. Bastards.

You got siblings? Big sister. One big sister. I've got a younger sister who is basically my older sister because she fucking bosses the whole family in a good way. She runs the game. I've got a younger brother

who's kind of like having a family pet wolf. I want him to be my best man, but he's in the forest. He's gone feral. The league table of how far our Jack down is to be best man at my wedding. Oh, no, really? i'd have finn before i mean it's me you've been the best man james maybe yeah twice have you good man yeah at the same time oh yeah sort it out man fucking it's important shit that's a pod

I don't think he is going to sort it out by the way I think he's not going to go to the wedding and it's going to be about a year

if my advice in all like you should sort it out if you can I don't think you can so my advice is

start drawing up a short list for best man number two because that's what you need to do because he's not going to go to the

wedding Finn's available I'm free yeah James English is available be like what were we drinking before the wedding James be like available i'm free yeah james english is available be like what we're drinking before the wedding james were like are you really drinking just be focused

james giving his best man speech yeah but they say they're happy but what are they hiding from why do they need this big event let's end with that accent let's end with that fucking accent i wish he'd take six weeks to do what do they need this big event nailed it james it's been an that fucking accent I wish he'd take six weeks to do what do they need this big event nailed it James it's been an absolute fucking pleasure my friend

likewise guys where can everyone find your stuff anything goes with James English James English 2 Instagram usual shit

James English 12 Facebook usual bullshit but no doubt he's already fought with me so it's cool cheers man

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