Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #129 with Kae Kurd - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 19, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

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How are you? I'm all right. I'm a lot less about finn dying than i was about you dying finn is more replaceable than you 21 oh jesus christ dan well because we did the lockdown locket and we couldn't because of the tech problems of having this many mics on. You couldn't wear the headphones. I couldn't wear the headphones. And I just sounded super loud then in my own head after three hours of absolute debauchery. And Finn has got the Rona and we will talk about that. But my God, what a fucking state that got into as a lockdown lock-in.

Yeah. It will have just gone out um a couple of days ago if you're watching this on the uh public release why are you sign up to the patreon get the public's hn.com 48 hours early uh you will also get all the lockdown lock-ins but uh we had Stephen Trice and Max in and we made a very large man cry. I have some pictures of him. I thought he was

dead in the bathroom. In the bathroom that my wife said you can't post that. I was like oh but I know but he beat me. Got no top on.

I found his t-shirt flat on his back. Binned it. Yeah. It's done. It's done. That's a former t-shirt. Yeah.

Oh no. We should have like retired it like they do at the end of a former t-shirt yeah oh no we should have like retired it like they do at the end of a football it smells like shin pads so it doesn't need retiring it needs euthanizing i've just worked out what was going on with the headphones in my pissed up state you've hired it off i've turned it up on mine fuck i'm definitely loud oh my days we nearly killed max steven tries drinks like a fucking champ but wow yeah the the mistake that i think we'll make and you'll see it if you watch it is we let the guy who hadn't drunk properly for a year sit within arm's reach of our pretty impressive booze collection.

Formerly impressive booze collection. A lot of it is gone. I only had a few large gin and tonics and a lot of fruit. I can't believe I didn't clock that you were doing fruit banter. I thought you were just being a mixologist nonce. Going, oh, God, if you're trying to raspberries blackberries what did you whip out that i when the mango came out i should have been like this is a fucking bit did it really take that long it genuinely took till i went if you've got a

fucking pineapple and you went like we'd rehearsed it um so I enjoyed that Café Patron. Yeah. How much is Café Patron for the bigger bottle? I know that's my son's bottle. It's about 28 quid. Oh, it's not? I thought it got in my head that it was super expensive. Well, that's quite expensive because I'm pretty sure it's only 500 mil.

It's not 700. Oh, right. So you're paying nearly 30 quid for a two-thirds bottle yeah i think well uh gin and tonic and cafe patron works really well so i felt nicely buzzed but max was in a it is 70 cl but it's 30 quid yeah 30 quid in your local shop it's like a it's like a mid-range whiskey. Not like Indian. That's a pretty cool local newsagents, isn't it? If you've got Café Patron. You can get it in Tesco. Yeah, Tesco, 30 quid.

As they only sell the half bottles. So it was an absolute state. And I felt really bad because you clearly wanted to get Max in a taxi and I wanted to go home and you were like whose taxi is this I was like I think it might be mine you went I hope it's not and I was like ah it's mine though I remember that I was like oh that was cunty but he's like oh this guy thinks he's going to Chester oh I don't know I think he might have pre-planned it

and he's Tom Tom oh I'm so sorry I've got to go I had to pay so the only reason Max was allowed to get in the taxi is because the guy knew me it works out sometimes doesn't it so he pulled up

and like Max is there with like we gave him a large huge hoodie now Max is not a large

anyone who knows him or has watched lockdown Max is medium yeah a small medium at large max could literally start on the offensive line for the denver broncos that's what we're saying so the the huge hoodie was sort of like a a crop top yeah um and was quite clearly

not the top that he arrived in is what i'm'm saying. And he's stumbling and he's, I'm so sorry, I ruined it. And we were like, you've been amazing. You've been amazing. And he's like, have I really? And we're like, yeah. But the taxi driver's watching all this of me and Steven, so I was trying to coordinate him.

And he goes, lads, you better not be going far. And I went, Manchester? And the taxi driver went, lads, I can't get him to fucking Manchester. And then he went, you that comedian? Are you Adam Rowe?

And I went, yeah. He went, what the fuck are you doing here? Which is a fair question. As a taxi driver, if you know a comedian and they're sort of in your head,

semi-famous, not that we're famous, but recognisable in that sort of way. Yeah, you should be in Liverpool or at Hot Water and at no other

places in his head yeah not at a science centre in Runcorn why are you shit faced at 9.30 in Runcorn

on a Tuesday on a Tuesday yeah and I went yeah I went look mate we were here we do a podcast

if I pay you in advance I pay on my card in advance now and he went well he went it's we work here we do a podcast if I pay you in advance I pay on my card in advance now and he went well he went it's going to be like 65 quid to Manchester he said but

if he's sick it's another 30 and I went I'll give you 80 now and that covers a sick did you pay on your card yeah okay cool

so we had a whip around as well did you give Max some cash no I found that the next day I was like why have I got 40 quid in cash and it's two tenors and four fivers i had no idea where it was from

i thought you'd given max and then paid on the card so max got tipped and he was great yeah can we just put in the guard of honor clip here would that be out of order because because not only a few thousand picture and picture only a few thousand only a few thousand people saw it on social media on Twitter and I feel like it's a shame

we gave him a guard of honour and outside I think he was feeling bad he was like tried to connect with something

they'd said about Warhammer and I was like dude you seem really nice and I definitely like you but you

this isn't the appropriate you've just wept in the bathroom all the energy you've got yeah you can't be like i'm so sorry that i didn't know about what you collected warhammer i was like it's 25 years ago and no one gives a shit oh i've really felt for him um so go watch it go watch it the fourth lockdown and we're gonna as we're coming out of lockdowns that will be the last one for a while so if you like seeing us

get fucking pie eyed don't be like ah there'll be another one next month there won't be it might be a wee while until we do another so

we're gonna try and do some other extra bonus stuff outside of the studio and put some events on and etc etc we're gonna do we're gonna do our best for that sort of thing.

We said that ages ago, didn't we, with the Patreon, that once we were making money from it, we'd put the money back in and now we're coming up with plans like there's a rap battle we've got in the pipelines and then other suggestions

if you want to make some for extra content. Have we not flirted with it a couple of times? No, I don't think we've dropped that bombshell. Which? The rap battle.

We have mentioned it a little bit. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah did we because we've had a few comments going fuck that'll be sick you mentioned it and who was battling yeah one one person went i can't believe dan's agreed to it like you don't give off rap battle vibes though do you what yeah you give off i'm gone so trigger trigger trigger what is that there you feel like you could have like a keyboard battle and i mean yeah you you could have like a keyboard battle. And I mean, yeah, you'd look good with a keyboard. A musical one.

I think I look a little bit hip hop, but I think everyone thinks I look a little bit on the spectrum, like an autistic kid with soundproof. Yeah. Noise cancelling earphones. Yeah. Look at the cake. He loves being on trains,

but he doesn't like the noise of trains. Noises. Yeah. so I don't want to rap battle you, because you can be really mean. And I don't want to basically get bullied in poetry form, which is, I don't, rap battle's like, no, it's not poetry. It is.

If you read it differently, it it differently I've already got something that rhymes with bum to death so wow wow looking forward to that one that's on patreon.com slash have a weird pod

in the very near future watch Adam's one of his close friends and colleagues cry okay does it rhyme with meth

I'm not telling you you have to buy tickets to the event when it comes around i'm not buying tickets um you're doing something i uh i do baby all right i think i got mugged three weeks ago what i think i think i know you've got a bit of a slow release on this yeah holy shit what else has happened in your past that you've got a bit of a slow release on this yeah holy shit what else has happened in your past that you've blocked out

bummed to death you've been bummed to death resuscitated you just oh right that's nice clear on the bum hole

on the bum hole yeah they get the pads and put them on each cheek yeah boom yeah but there's a stick as well goes right up your arse

and shocks you inwards oh really wow wow I'm alright now gay paramedic I'm alright now goes right up your ass and shocks you in inwards oh really wow wow i'm all right now gay paramedics i'll save him clear i got mugged by an old lady oh my god at least you didn't get bummed to death by an old lady so a couple of weeks ago uh me and Samantha went to the cinema in Liverpool.

The cinema? The cinema in Liverpool, the Odeon. Went to see In the Heights, which is written prior to him creating Hamilton by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah, I've heard of it. And I really enjoyed it and I'll never watch it again. You know one of those films like that was good and that's enough now

do you know I felt like that when I one of the last times I went to the cinema with Laura was The Gentleman which I think is a Guy Ritchie film

Hugh Grant over-egging it and I got to the end and went that's alright that's alright and I will never watch it again nice one that's fine

that's alright that's a solid three and a half star film got to the end of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood Laura went what the fuck was that

and I was like I will watch that as soon as I can again on Sky yeah in the Heights went to see in the Heights left

and we parked as I always do sort of towards the bold street side of town yes and oh no it was the day

you dropped us off I did it was the day after we went out with Seneca a few weeks ago yeah about three or four weeks ago I dropped us off in town

yeah right so I parked the day before in town yes so after we'd been in the cinema we just went for a little stroll around Liverpool we'll go home straight away we'll just went for a little stroll we'll go home

straight away we'll just go for a little walk before we get the car nice and you know the cosy club I do

which is like opposite the Odeon isn't it up top yeah but like the entrance is on the ground yeah

you don't go into a building it's still got a street entrance so there was an old I'd say she was sort of

early 60s maybe late 50s. She was stood in the doorway. Old, like mum old, but not like full great granny old. Yeah. Like old. Yeah. But not.

Like she could feasibly have a 10-year-old grandchild. Right, right, right. But like she could also just have her first grandchild now as well. Right. That age. Right, you measure things like grandchildren. Fucking hell,

she's old, but she's about five years away from her first grandchild. Like it. So, she approaches me and Sam, right? And she goes, look,

I'm really sorry to bother you, but I was hoping you could help me. I've just been outside the Tesco on Hanover Street, and someone's robbed me a purse. As you can see, I've got my shop in there. He's literally just snatched my bag off me and ran straight up Seal Street.

There's nothing I could do. And I'm just trying to get home. She had her own music. I'm just trying to get home she had her own music I'm just trying to get home me purse when she says purse

I think she meant her bag she's like that and my phone as well I've got nowhere to phone anyone I've got no money and and I went why don't you go and just get a taxi

home and pay when you get in she was like well I haven't got my keys they're in the bag I was like well go go to a taxi home and pay when you get in? She was like, well, I haven't got my keys. They're in the back. I was like, well, go to a friend's house who's got a spare key. She was like, oh, they're not in. They're all dead.

I'm so old. And I should have clocked when she said they're not in, right? Because I was like, well, how the fuck do you know? You've just been mugged. You haven't rang anyone, right? They're not in. Yeah. They're all old people out.

The restrictions have eased. So she wanted money for the taxi. So I gave her it. How much? 20 quid. So I just had a 20 pound note. So I like yeah i thought you know what doesn't matter to me like not that i've got 20 quids to be fucking throwing everywhere but if if i lose 20 quid then it's the gentleman thing to do he does it every time he gets petrol yeah yeah yeah exactly homeless people yeah yeah he has 20 quid sort yourself out not even homeless mate fuck off nice one though um because i my my logic was uh if that was a family member of mine like i'd rather be wrong and give it it and lose 20 quid to a knobhead than have an old woman actually be mugged and not be able to get home from town few questions

uh huh how were her teeth um she wasn't a crackhead right by my estimations right ah

that's the thing though crackheads look wrinkly old women look wrinkly you can't go off that yeah so I'd go teeth and be like ooh

yeah but her tits were alright yeah not great but yeah yeah alright what tits were alright. Yeah, not great, but yeah. Yeah, alright. What?

Tits? No, that's not a year. No? No, that's a different. Alright. No,

there is such a thing as crackhead tits. Cracking pair of bastards. Crackhead pair of bastards. What do you mean, crackhead tits? Like, they'll be lopsided,

they might have needle holes in. Might have a tattoo on saying, I do crack. Come on. Quite common, no? Doing crack cocaine does not give you a lopsided tit. Come on. You don't know that for sure. Yeah, he did when you do that.

You have not done the research to say definitively that that's bullshit, so it could be real. Oh, my God. I need some crack. Adam, I need some crack. I can't get crack from my neighbors. They're not in. They're all getting tit realignments.

So, sorry. I'm really enjoying the story. I know it's annoying when I pause you to ask about old women's teeth. Yeah. I like the logic that you're like, what if it's real? Do you know like fluorescent eye makeup where it's like purple and green?

Oh, I know what she looks like already. What? Has she been to a Klaxons gig? What are you on about? Do you know when like old women are trying to hold on to their youth so they have like, it looks like they've got two highlighter pens and done like green here and purple there because they're like, like look I'm still young

colours and that I've been out since 2006 I saw the klaxons I saw the klaxons did too much cracks my neighbours are still at the klaxons gigs 15 years what do you mean

she had fluorescent lines I know what he means and then like really sort of badly put on bright red lipstick What do you mean she had fluorescent lights? I know what he means. I know exactly what he means. And then like really sort of badly put on bright red lipstick. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Right.

He knows. I know who she is. He can picture that. I know where she lives. She sounds fucking mental. Yeah. I hope she hasn't got a fucking 10 year old grandkid come here i'm a latsy at christmas kid why is she not got a bra that's the biggest question

that's a bra can you give me a break how am i meant to show lopsided crap tits how am i meant to show it i'm just trying to visualize cause i saw a very unrealistic Lobsided crackhead tit thing I need to work on that dog I'm right there My producer notes Is that my voice? Look Finn's dying

And we don't even give a shit We're talking about Fucking clacks and crackhead Oh fuck Finn So I'm messing Love you Finn I actually miss Finn

I've got shit to do now So gave her the money And as we were walking away, Sam goes, you're a fucking knobhead, you. I gave me reason. I was like, look, I'd rather be wrong and give it it

than walk away, whatever. Sam's like, you're just a fucking helmet. You're a virtue-signaling knobhead. You've only done that for the good karma. And I was like, yeah. Hey, that's not virtue-signaling, though, is it? Like, it's not.

Unless you tweet about it instantly. Or tweet about, like, saying that someone should do it. That would be virtue-signaling. Or unless you tweet about it instantly or tweet about like saying that someone should do it that would be very interesting or someone should talk about on a podcast yeah all right all right right if he stops telling stories this podcast goes to shit so yesterday it was uh six months since me and sam have been a couple so pictures lovely so uh that's a thing in girl world these days. That's a six month anniversary because a lot of these girls

don't make it to an anniversary. They celebrate it. These bitches are making up milestones. Oh my God, this is our fourth shit in the same building. Shut the fuck up,

Lord. So, got her some flowers. She booked for us to go to Baccaro. Beautiful. It's a lovely Italian tapas place. Did you get the gold cheese? No.

Lad. I didn't. I didn't want it. I wanted something that I knew I liked. Just try it. If you don't like it, don't get it again. Well, I got it. I got so much stuff yesterday.

Do you want to know what I got? Go on. I got the Ndu oh pasta yeah i got the uh fillet steak with tempura prawns beautiful food i got garlic bread i got chips we're talking food i got the sea bass doesn't have to be fun and have you had the chorizo in honey uh no i get this goat cheese and honey instead the chorizo in honey is the star of the show in that gaff it's the best thing about the whole thing i think the goat cheese it is a comedy podcast but when adam talks about food it's not funny it's very informative you need to try this goat cheese and honey meat i don't trust goats they're not saving it and they're weird tit cheese so i have nipples greg

can you move me it's a pic picado lovely meal and when we arrived Sam had put on the book and notes it's our six month anniversary and they bought that and gave us a three glass of Prosecco each so I wasn't going to have a drink yesterday

she did that in Six by Nico as well yeah she does it everywhere we go everywhere we go it's one of our birthdays or an anniversary because she tries to get

three shits off everyone and it works I swear I don't mind that I don't mind that unless as long as she backs down It's one of our birthdays or an anniversary because she tries to get three shits off everyone and it works. I swear, fucking play to her. Yeah. I don't mind that. I don't in high ways. I don't mind that unless, as long as she backs down instantly

when she gets questioned because I can't stand the cringe of someone, no, it is our nine month anniversary. Like, I don't mind people chancing the hand, but then I can't be, like when people get indignant when, like, the manager's not playing ball. Yeah.

That would bug me. Do you know what I did? Do you know Curtis? No. He's a friend of a, well, he's my friend, but he's, like, a friend of a friend, that's how I know him. He went on his first date to Baccaro with a girl a couple of months ago. No.

I found out what time and rang up. And what did I do? I said, can you send a glass of champagne over to the table, please, and say happy 15th birthday, I love you, to the girl. And it was his first date with her. And she thought it was him joking and fucking loved her, bought her. Oh. Happy 15th birthday. I love you.

Some member of staff couldn't give a fuck, sending it over. Yeah. Last. Yeah, first date. That's phenomenal. Will you be doing 18-month anniversary? Will you be doing... I hope not.

Because we can't be doing... It goes to years now, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It's like birthday. It's like baby age. No, 18 months is quite... When do you go...

What's the start of the... Is it first date? First kiss? First bummer? First time you... First bum? Is it first bum? First time?

First kiss, first sex and first bumming is actually all the same date. Wow. Wow. I didn't bum her. All joking aside, I would really like to see my 30 month anniversary.

She won't mind me saying that. We went on our first date. We had a kiss and then we had a bang. Had several bangs actually. I wanked off into Laura's thigh the first time I met her. Into?

In a disabled toilet in a hotel in Preston. Yeah. Yeah. she was like i don't want to have sex and i was like well i am horny as fuck because we came back to this hotel and you got me jazzed up did she wank you off uh she was doing a bad job and then i took over and then jizzed onto her thigh. And she went, that was one of the worst first efforts of her. This was after she'd been slut dropping all night. She flashed her tits one too many times for my mate Matthew who went, love, they're really nice,

but put them the fuck away. And then turned to me and went, she's not wife material. Which I quoted at our wedding that he was the best man out. And then I was like, I will ring you. I like you. It was after that one-man show. I really like you.

I'm in. And also, I couldn't quite convey to her how badly I'd been doing. I'd been on a few dates with some absolute four out of tens. So I was like, I will be in touch. And she was like, no, come back to the tens so i was like i will be in touch and she was like no come back to the hotel i was like it's not good we don't need to doesn't need to happen it's been a long night she was like no basically dragged me into a taxi and because her mate christina was in the room we went and had a little fumble in they didn't even have an ensuite toilet

it was one of them old hotels. Mankey, cheap hotel. And honestly- You went to a communal disabled toilet and wanked on a leg? Yeah. Yeah. Big toilets as well. And a handlebar to hold.

Ooh, it's coming up from me wallet. And as I left, I was like, that was pretty bad. And apparently she nearly- What did she do? I think she did, she deleted Facebook and social media the next day because of the hangover anxiety. Because she was like, that guy will never be in touch with me now. I'm so ashamed of myself.

I think I rang her about 12 hours later. I was like, how's your thigh? Do you want to have kids? I had really bad hangover anxiety the day after the lock-in. And I genuinely nearly started crying because I was like, what if this all goes away? Like for no reason. It's so good.

I was like, imagine having to get a real job. No. I think it's a genuine, when things are going so well, because you can talk about wanking into your future wife's thigh. Yeah. Do you know what? After the lockdown lock-in, it was like that was the thing that just sort of cleared the haze of COVID. I felt fucking great on Wednesday.

A bit tired. Knocked the cobwebs off. I felt great since then. Like, really, really good. To be fair, I didn't drink as much as Max drank. So... Ricardo. So...

Yeah, sorry. Right. So... Ricardo. So... Yeah, sorry. Right. So... Genuinely though, anniversary, is that the first day where you had a snog? No, no.

It's the day that I said, should we be an actual proper couple now? Okay. Yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. So, in Ricardo,

glass of Prosecco. Didn't really know what I fancied to drink. Knew I didn't want any beer, so I got another Prosecco and then we got a cocktail and then we were like, can't really be arsed with this. Didn't really know what I fancied to drink. Knew I didn't want any beer, so I got another Prosecco. And then we got a cocktail, and then we were like, can't really be arsed with this. Can't really be able to go on for another drink.

Should we go home, have a cup of tea, a little bonk, and watch Love Island? In that order? Actually, yeah. All right, fair enough. So she was like, yeah, I'd love to go home. I've been in work all day. I've got work in the morning.

Yeah, I'd rather not go and get boozy and I was like oh this is fucking great you know when you're just dead happy to be going home it's great so we leave Bacaro

and we're walking down towards like Church and Lord Street towards Liverpool wanting to get a we're just going to get a black taxi to go home

and there's a woman over the road waving at me and it was the woman from a few weeks ago, and I was like, I went to Sam, I told you, I was like, she's coming over to say thank you, so she come over, and she come over,

and she went, oh yeah, I'm really sorry to stop you, I've just been stood outside the Tesco on Hanover Street, and someone's robbed me purse, and he's ran up Seal Street with her, and Sam squeezed me arm and whispered to me, and went, don't, and I went to her, it's really unfortunate, because didn't that happen to you a few weeks ago as well? And she went, oh, shit.

And she rolled up her tit and went, argh. And she went, what? And I went, didn't your purse get stolen like a few weeks ago outside Tesco? And they ran up Seal Street. And she went, I don't think so. But my memory is like a few weeks ago outside Tesco and they ran up Seal Street and she went I don't think so but my memory is like a sieve

and I went you wouldn't remember getting mugged though wouldn't you and she was like yeah I do have memory problems anyway have a nice night and she walked away

oh lord I just should have fucking slide tackled that stupid bitch I'd have broke her leg Carl is not in a good place because Finn's not here

I would slide tackle the old fucking crackhead get her Matt that would have done my head in the worst part of all of it you were such a gent you were such a gent about that you could have been a right

fucking eggy twat about that and do you know what it's taught me charities for mugs I'm never giving any money to anyone ever again. I agree. It's their fault. I agree.

Yeah. Bitch. Yeah. It's done my head, hasn't it? I, honestly, I like the hustle.

I like the hustle that she's basically developed a bit. Yeah, but remember your mark. This is my bit. Come on. Yeah, but that's... Change the story a bit. but remember this is my bit yeah come on yeah but change the story a bit that's the say something else instead of saying me pierce has been robbed out she picked the same street it happened on and the way he ran come up to me and go hey someone's

just fucking slide tackle me over there and broke me like just limp a bit put a different story on why would that iitate money I need new shimp pads lad lad it's my husband's birthday I've just spent all my money on a cake and then a

crackhead's come over and stole the cake can you give me somebody to get a new cake I don't think I think she'd be

foolish to include the word crackhead in a fake spiel about getting yeah I just lad excuse me

excuse me fuck that lad don't look at the tits it's really off but it's doing you right oh sorry lad I've just met this African prince

right in person my fucking luck it's usually over email and he needs about fucking 8 million he's got 8 million

for me but he's taking 40 quid until it clears. Do you have any of them emails? Have you been real? No. I haven't got a name.

What's it called? I cannot believe you're not answering my email. I literally have eight million dollars. I have eight million dollar box. Why won't anybody answer my email? Yeah, she needs to switch that story off. The 419 scam it's called. Yeah. That's what that's called not the woman that's the african prince is the 419 and what about the crackhead woman on church that's the wonky tit scam i thought it was gonna have a

number especially when you start with one it's the one key tit scam the one key tit scam the one key tit scam what he's only got one key to a house one key and she's a tit yeah all my neighbours are in Africa

following up Leeds that's fucking brutal I'm a little concerned it's not a red flag I'm not flying the red flag I just it's a prop

that we spent money on or everyone spent money on but I just think the six month anniversaries, do you know what? It's not, but it's not, is it real? Is it real?

Or are you just banking? Like weakest link? Is it? Yeah. Is it just you going, I'm not arsed, but you're into it. Let's just let it slide.

Yeah. She just mentioned it a few months ago. She's like, oh, it'd be our six months on the 15th of July. And I was like, well, don't take a gig that night.

It clearly means, I don't take a gig that night it clearly means I don't care I got to go to Bacaro and have sex yeah she can count the days if she wants if we're going to get to do that

every day yeah at the same time it's our 27th Tuesday I love you babe yeah that's nice if she wants to suck my dick for the 27th Tuesday and feed me pasta bring it on enjoy it mate

enjoy because that all shall we just not go out shall we just go home and have a cup of tea watch tv and then bonk that is i'm gonna propose that oh my god i shit myself down the gym i i think everyone had been hot because i think what you should do is get the crackhead to come over going, excuse me, I was just on all the streets and a guy left a ring. Sam, make him the happiest knobhead in the world. Also, it's the 37th Wednesday you've been together. Go on, girl. And then she just fucking fucks off off Steel Street.

The 27th Tuesday will be this Tuesday, won't it? So a year's 52 weeks. It's been 26 weeks. Maths. So this will be the 27th of Tuesday on Tuesday. I know, that's why I did it. We are going out on Monday as well. We are going out on Monday.

Oh, a hangover blowy. If Celica's okay. Celica's got the flu. No one gives a fuck About flu If it's not the rona Grow up What?

She's still in work Yeah She nago Yeah Yeah but when people are like Oh I've been really ill Is it the rona? No it's not the rona

Shut the fuck up man Imagine having the flu And then looking after 30 10 year olds Imagine Having to look after 30 10 year olds Fucking awful

Easy She's that good teaching is easy like i i'll say this being a teacher is hard right because of all the external things that come with it the mark and curriculum hours you don't get paid for offstead the erections. Yeah, but the actual bit of being with the kids is a piece of piss. Right. That's the easiest bit of the job. And you're speaking... Here's what you're doing.

All of you shut up or I'll make you leave the room. And they've got to listen to you. Shut up or fuck off. Yeah. It's easy. Just divide and conquer. Split the mates up. John, you're over there.

Kevin, you're over there. Because you talk too much. And this is the 80s? John and Kevin. John and Kevin. They're all called, like, fucking Lily Mae. They're all called Lily Mae or, like, Arthur. Lily Mae!

All the kids are Lily Mae or Arthur or something Alfie, Jonah what are modern names all of them Jack alright then Jonah you sit there Lily Mae

you over there Deshawn shut the fuck up boy fuck off out the room now yeah be arsed putting up with you

did you get your PGCE or could do give it six weeks. Imagine Mr. Rowe. I could have gone into teaching. No, you fucking couldn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I could.

No, I wouldn't. Ability-wise, you could. Yeah. Temperament-wise, you couldn't. I could. I absolutely could. I'd just be one of those horrible teachers who gets suspended in the infinite in a kid.

Like years later when they snap. Newton. You know, when you were talking about nearly crying because this might go away i think when you're in that classroom teach hungover yes you fucking would i wouldn't touch a show of video of what matilda again there you go so he's doing where did matilda come from? That was the go-to in school Fucking Brilliant I'd go off curriculum Oh Miss Honey You know you're old when you're fucking

Having thoughts about Miss Honey When you're watching Matilda You're like oh I'm an old dirty bastard You like big numbers? I like big dicks You've been a good teacher then I think Thank you You've got a nice temperament

Oh Thank you I passed the CRB though Wouldn't pass the CRB either Why? Nothing's been proved I'd go off curriculum a lot if I was a teacher Drex

Yeah Yeah I'd just be like do you know what I think the prep that you did for lessons would be interesting. Oh, fuck. I ain't done any. Imagine, everyone. Yeah, nine.

Imagine being in space. Come on. And you fucking slide tackle a crackhead with wonky tits. Imagine. Do you know what I mean? In the ass with your dick. I just mean like I'd teach them. I'd go, we're meant to do geography today.

But to be honest with you all, if you fail geography, your life won't be much different. I'm going to teach you all how to fill in a tax return. Right. Yeah. Do you know how to fill in a tax return? And I've brought my accountant in. He's going to tell me how to do it and then I'll tell you.

Oh, God. Yeah, I'd do that. I'd teach them, you know, manners. What? Just. What? Like, I wasn't really taught table manners and it shows now like i hold my knife in my left hand what i caught like you're not meant to i your knife's meant to go in your

dominant hand yeah yeah i hold my knife in my left hand and apparently that's a bit because i sort of drag my food apart i don't really cut stuff. Ah. Like a gorilla. Yeah. Right. I basically use me cutlery as claws. Oh my God. You know, like pulled pork. Two forks, please. Nah.

I've got an excavator and a JCB. So I wouldn't want anyone else to go through the judgment I've had in recent years. So I'd teach them, you know, mental older over there.

I don't. So that's the class done, isn't it? Yeah. But like, there's plenty, isn't there? How to make a good cup of tea. How to make a bad cup of there I don't so that's the class done innit yeah but like there's plenty isn't there how to make a good cup of tea how to make a bad cup of tea don't do that one

would you do sex education probably sticks to curriculum on that because it's quite easy to get yourself in trouble innit yeah yeah yeah don't do any bumming on a first date not polite we're putting another film on

is it Matilda no something a little bit different for this lesson it's men in black men 2 men in black men 2 We're putting another film on Is it Matilda? No Something a little bit different For this lesson It's Men in Black Men 2 Men in Black Men 2

You've got gay porn That's very modern of you isn't it Two Beards with One Stone This is okay as well Is that a different name of a film? These days No what did you teach me? It's so warm in here I'm getting tears you teach bumming now yeah oh god

i'd teach them that bumming is essentially a contraceptive if you haven't got a condom put it in her ass i thought you were talking about bumming men then i'm so worried about getting girls pregnant i'm fucking dave no the right. See? And as you can tell from the video, they always like it. Yeah. And as you can also tell, it's their first date. This is curriculum as well.

Look at her. She's enjoying it. Yeah. I just think teachers should stop worrying so much about Ofsted and that and just genuinely teach whatever they want and just like teach the kids to just be better at like life rather than like you know oh emery divorce beheader died you always beheader survived i've never used that apart from like

every time you mention king emery the eighth yeah yeah i have never used it apart from i've never used it in a useful way no true do you know what i mean i've never like it apart from on this podcast. I've never used it in a useful way. No, it's true. Do you know what I mean? I've never, like, we learnt all about the Tudors. Yeah. And it's like, what for? When an old girl comes up to you on Hanover Street. Excuse me, lad. I was the fourth queen of King Henry VIII and the Tudor era.

You got 20 quid. You weren't Jane Parr. Aye, I wish I knew who the fourth one was. Jane Parr? Was she even one? fourth one was Jane Parr was she even one it's Ulrika Johnson let me see go on fourth king of

Henry fourth queen come on come on Jane Parr Henry V1 oh it was Catherine Parr oh fuck Catherine Parr

Catherine Howard Anne of Cleves Jane Seymour oh there was a girl in our little school called Catherine Howard oh of Cleves Jane Seymour oh there was a girl in our little school called Catherine Howard oh I'm gone

sorry that might not be the right order I'm sorry Dan number four Anne of Cleves Anne of Cleves big tits

Anne of Cleavage that's why it's called Cleavage yeah because of her tits yeah it's true she came off the boat and then

travelled to the court of Henry VIII and walked in and he went, Bruh! Fucking set of bastards on that. Look at the cunts on her! And then someone leaned in and went, Lad, you can't call them that anymore.

And he chopped her hair off. Yeah, and he went, Well, where's she from? Cleaves. Right, we'll call her Cleave. Cleavage. Cleaves Right we'll call it Cleave

Cleavage Anne Boleyn had a bowler As well Anne Boleyn had a Sixth finger She had no head as well She had a little witchy finger She invented ten pin

Boleyn It's been a while hasn't it It's been a while hasn't it it's been a while let it hang let that hang in the air what's happening guys ooh look at your outfit

shocking you look horrible in that that's a shitty t-shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt

or a hoodie from haveawaypod.com you want some official have a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com. You want some official Have A Word merch? Go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad.

Go and get it. Haveawaredpod.com Are you ready for love? Yes, I am. Oh. It's quite different to your usual Elton John impression there That's better I love my life I love my wife And I love podcasting

Bit of advice Lids I fucking love this pod And the patron is the best three pounder. Easy. The best three pounds I spend a month. I've never emailed him, but I could do with your advice. I'm not bragging or rubbing it in for Dan, but my dick is annoyingly big. It's a size where some of the girls I've been with have felt uncomfortable

and one couldn't even do it with me because she said she was too tiny and was a bit scared. This sounds like I'm bragging, but genuinely it's not. My knob is stopping me getting laid and it's fucking annoying. I've kept my name off this,

but any advice on what you're meant to do here would be appreciated. Anon, big, with a fucking weapon. Fat women. Next question. Good answer. Statistically speaking, and I've done a bit of research into this.

He has. First hand. Sometimes the second hand will get in as well. Hey! Two hands. It's because he's got such a fucking weapon. That's Adam. He sees the joke,

sticks both hands on it. Yeah, they're slightly wider. I'd love to see your knob. Do you want to see it? I want to see it erect. Erect? Yeah, I've seen it erect.

Next question. Why have you seen his dick erect? Because I was shagging a beard and he kept knocking on the door. Right. True. It wasn't me, it wasn't just me.

And it was, that night is a story the story on the first lockdown lock-in yeah oh I've got a really good memory of that lock-in oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah I remember everything from that night what happened was him and me little brother kept knocking on the door to stop me having sex with this girl

we were doing him a favour and it happened so often that I punched me little brother in the face with an erection yeah hit him with the fist or just go straight for the dick no shut up So often that I punched me in the face. With an erection? Yeah. Hit him with the fist or just go straight for the dick? No.

Shut up. No, I punched him in the face. We were doing him a favour. Oh, because she was wildlife? Yeah. He could fuck this girl. So. Wildlife.

She were wild. Fucking hell. Not saying I'm surprised. None of us are surprised. Anyone who's offended going, hey, you can't be talking about her like that. She was grim. But so was I at the time.

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough, she was grim. But that's nice, isn't it? Two grims finding each other. That's nice. Yeah. This is 100% true.

So that night, it all kicked off. Everyone got kicked out. She stayed in mind with me. Yeah. This is 100% true. So that night, it all kicked off. Everyone got kicked out. She stayed in mind with me. Yeah. And... I know what happened. What? You saw her as a wrecked dick.

You know everything, Carl. I don't even think I've ever told you this. Because I've only just really remembered it. Is it where you, like, pushed her out the door? No, no, no, no. Push her out the door? You did your...

Like, didn't you tell her to get out? No. Oh. Oh. She's grim, but she you tell her to get out? No. Oh. No. She's grim, but she's got feelings. The next day, we woke up. She'd stayed in me dad's bed, because that's where it was happening.

But I didn't. I went and stayed in my own bed and just left it in there. And then the next morning, I woke her up. She's your step-mom. She said to me, oh, this is so horrible. Do you not want to come on me before I go? stepmom. That's me. Oh, this is so horrible.

Do you not want to come on me before I go? And I guarantee that you did. Wow. Yeah. That young lady

knew how to make the most of a bad situation, didn't she? Yeah. She also robbed money she she also robbed money what she also robbed money she stole some money didn't she she said to me on the way out she was like okay it's just been robbed

and he got fell for it again he's ran right down your street and I need to buy some purple and green eyeliner so could I have 200 quid and I was like do you know what

I get it how much did she make it wasn't like it was like a tenner it was enough to be annoying yeah yeah

I think it was noticeable like that tenner's gone yeah like at a restaurant when they take the tip for themselves. Yeah, we've put 5% service because we've been amazing

and we don't trust you to pay it. She's like, I've been fucking brilliant. Do you not like a service charge? I love a service charge and I'll tell you for why, Daniel. A service charge is the tip.

That's what they've asked for and if they've been decent then they've got it here 12.5% sound that's what you want

and you've been good sound but it is optional and if you've been a knobhead if you've been shit service then I get to have that really satisfactory moment to go and

take that off and I'm a generous tipper like if the service charge is none, I'll go between sort of 12 and 25%. Mate, if there's a good enough sob story, you'll pay all sorts. We've learned that. Like, I'm quite a generous tipper,

but I like a service charge because it's like, that's what they've asked for, that's what they're getting. As long as the service is being good. But I'm quite, because I've worked in hospitality and I pride myself on being good being good. But I'm quite, because I've worked in hospitality and I pride myself on being good at it.

Like, I'm quite a stickler with it. If the service is being shit, I won't give you a penny. I won't leave 10p, change. It sort of makes sense because of British culture, we're not tippers. We're like, well, you've done your job. So I've paid for the food that I've had and you've done your job and you've got to pay for it.

No, if they've done their job, then they get tipped. In America, if you don't tip at a restaurant, if you just pay your bill and don't tip, you will get a waiter coming over going, was there a problem? Yeah. Because you haven't tipped, and I live off tips. And I would, I'd respect that, yeah.

Like, if I didn't tip in a restaurant, and the waiter come over and went, was there a problem? I'd go, yeah, there was. You spat at me. You punched me me missus I'm not having it so it's 3% and usually

I go 9 it's offensive to tip in Japan is it yeah is that what you give me money for doing my job you do not tip

yeah that's that's the so you should rob them that's better yeah you can rob me yeah you rob them

you don't even pay your bill they're very different very different culture in Japan you don't even pay your bill. They're very different cultures. In Japan, you don't even pay your bill. They get pissed off. You pay for the food. What's that for? Food! Excuse me, can I ask a question?

You didn't even spit on me. Okay. Why is it scoffing? Is that in Japanese? Yeah, right. Say hello to my little friend. Say hello to my little service charge. Say hello to the uncocked fish.

Uncocked fish. Uncocked. Yeah. I heard it. Everyone heard it. I tip, but I understand that people in this country don't, so I get the service charge. I am too much of a pussyhole

to have the confrontation of going, right, that was dog shit. Take that off. And the bell would be like, I'll grumble about it and not do it it has to be shit terrible it has to be shit

yeah it has to be two stars I usually give about 10% and I also I've got there's that point where you're like

it's really handy if you've sort of 40 quid bill and you've got about 4 quid in your pocket that's really handy innit and then I'm like I don't really want these coppers but I want to put it in the tip but i don't put coppers on the

bill i don't put coppers on the tip you can't put less than a 50p down i used to flick five p's oh no a 50 pence piece or above oh no i go if it's silver they can have it no especially not bad i used to flick five p's of people I go, you can keep that. 5P, fuck off. What if I gave you 1,000 5Ps? That's fine. All right, cool. Takes a long time to flick that.

Yeah. Sore finger. Like, last night, the bill was £92, and I paid that on my card, and I had 20 quid in cash, thanks to the whip around my other ear. And I gave them 20 quid, because it's always great in Bacardo

and the staff are lovely. I'd just be nice, innit? What about bars? Bars you'd feel, yeah. On a round less than a fiver, 50p. On a round above a fiver, a quid. On a round above, 32 quid. Did you used to do on your own?

Do you remember that? Yeah, take it on. Take your own. I'd take a quid. What was that? I'd just take a quid. Yeah. that? I used to take a quid. Yeah. In town, I'd take a quid.

St. Teresa's Catholic Club. St. Teresa's? Social club or whatever. It was basically affiliated to the Catholic Church in Pemberton when we grew up. And I worked there for about six months. And they had very strict and your own, which was 10 pence.

Yeah. And that was, I know everyone's like, oh, no, no, no, no, because you're old, Dan. This was when and your own could feasibly have been 50p. This was like the late 90s where 50p wouldn't have been ridiculous. If you were doing a bar in town, also, no one says and your own or take your own. It's a very old-fashioned thing to do.

But there, you were only allowed to take 10 it's still very very very common in Liverpool oh is it oh you'll hear that every third second third round so but in Liverpool in a pub it's still 20 pence oh right and like if like I've seen like sort of older fellas go take it on they've gone you take 50p there no give me that back 20p when a girl takes a drink he said on your own and I like

Bacardi and Coke the drink's like 6.60 and they give you 7 quick and go take it on you're like what do we do here I give them all the money back I give them it all

and go yeah and they go I said take it on I go oh it's just 40p so you can have it because take it on doesn't mean don't give me

nothing back and taking 20p is fucking pointless so they may as well have it yeah wow I used to just take if they said take your own

I'd take a quid unless I just wouldn't say take your own to get around the fucking hassle of some 18 year old going what

can I have a drink like that's what it used to mean wasn't it get your own drink right but doesn't anymore because you're on 20 pence drink 60 quid now yeah right if i made like a big round of cocktails and he said take it on sometimes i'd just take like a fiver you know if i've made like eight cocktails

and they're all different so you've had to stand there for fucking 20 minutes making one round of drinks and you don't have five pound thank you yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's fair enough isn't it that's again enough isn't it that's again it's just a percentage service charge in your head yeah i just waited to steal we did that as well that was more fun wasn't it i was like couldn't give a shit about on your own tips are fine i'm probably made about seven quid a night in tips but as soon as someone went can i have four pints of carlin and a bacardi and coke and i went 13 14 quid or whatever it was at the time and just he'd i've got it exactly i was like well i am gonna have it exactly in my pocket

and there's people like you that are damaging the hospitality industry do you know my mate matt uh when we were leaving a hotel once we've been on the lash somewhere it was someone's fucking we'd been away and he was like have you got everything i was like yeah and i've got my free towel and he went jesus dad that's the reason hotel prices are so high and it's because his dad was a manager of a hotel he literally did like my dad's a hotel manager you dick i was like not for the fucking holiday inn you nonce let me just steal a towel i always steal towels it's built into the price of the room. So even if he's right, even if

he's right, and that's why the prices are so high. The prices are already that high. They're not going to lower the prices if me and you start leaving the towels. Nightmare with towels, it's up to £129. I've got 11 robes. Robes are the one I do. Come off it. I've got 11 robes.

Wow. Yeah. Just to dry one dick. I've got 11 robes. Wow. Yeah. Just to dry one dick. I've got a few pairs of slippers that are still in the plaster. Yeah. Yeah. And almost all of my towels are hotel towels. I've got a bedside lamp. I've got so many, like, foot-long shoe arms.

Yeah. I've got a fucking trouser press. And a bit of wool. Yeah. I've got a silent knife, king- a bit of wool I've got a silent knife king size mattress if you can get it off I've got a receptionist

in the basement crying comes with the money in the room comes with part of the price got some lovely curtains imagine if you strip the room bare it's in the price top head Got some lovely curtains. Imagine if you stripped the room bare. It's in the place.

Not bad. Put the bottles of water in the fridge hands. I left them. I know the rules of minibars. Plus they had me credit card. What was the question? He's got a big dick and he doesn't know what to do. How did you get that?

Well, if you've got a big dick, don't tip 10%. You know what I'm saying. That's all you can get in, boy. Just find. Just ask women before you date them whether they've got a big fanny. It's the best bet. Yeah? How did that go?

How would that go, Adam? On a role play? I'll play a young lady. All right, love. Hi. Do you want a drink? go Adam on a role player I'll play a young lady alright love hi do you want a drink is this before

the date not on the date no we're out we're out so why is he saying alright

love just northern and over familiar right do you want a bevy no I'm

alright I've got one thank you are you sure well let me buy you a drink alright what do you want a bevy? No, I'm all right. I've got one, thank you. Are you sure? Well, let me buy you a drink. All right. What do you want?

You want a bode? Sorry, I couldn't hear it then. I was just so... What do you want to drink? There's just something about you. Do you want to drink? A Bacardi and Coke, please. A Bacardi and Coke. Four pints of Carlin as well.

Sugar drop, 4.40. 4.40, and you're out. A Bacardi and Coke, four pints of Carlin, please. I'll have a rum and Coke with a little squeeze of lime, if you don't mind. You've got to have lime with your rum.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Thanks, mate. Is your fanny as big as it looks like it is? Yeah. Oh, it's big, boy. Yeah. Andanny as big as it looks like it is? Yeah. Oh, it's big, boy. Yeah. And you'll be able to take my dick then.

Some women can't. Some women cry. But you look like you'd swallow it up with no problem whatsoever. Hi. Like Nunu the food hoover. I am not enjoying the eye contact you're giving me right now. Nunu. Well, as much as I respect your honesty,

I'm looking for a bit more romance than that, than essentially you've got a massive twat. Yeah. Take what you can get, love. Anyone else offered to buy you a drink tonight? Be grateful. No one that's talked about my vagina so directly. I'll have them drinks.

I'll have them drinks. She can go fuck herself. Yeah. I think you're really rude. She can go fuck herself. Yeah? I think you're really rude. You can say whatever you want. I asked a legitimate question. I'm buying you a drink, which could,

I'm not saying it would, I'm not assuming anything, could lead to sex. And I'm not spending the whole night talking to you if you're going to be like the last fucking dickhead who started crying

because my dick was too big. You can either take it or you can't and I need to know before I invest a few rounds in you jesus god can i see the goods i mean it's fair to say in it yeah yeah adam points to his ankle just for the record he's slightly lifted up the trouser leg of his jeans um well i don't know if that's ever happened to a girl but even just pretending to be a lady at a bar that felt fucking grim yeah so probably don't do that no

don't do that no be nicer he was doing it for lols and ask her on the phone so she's she's got the option to put the phone down just show her the picture as soon as you start talking to her yeah and she goes yeah you go back there is there is literally I'm trying to think of a situation where you it is just trial and error

isn't it because no girl wants to be like just before I buy you this second drink can I just say I've got an absolute weapon what's your aircraft carrier hanger like

you know like I also aircraft carrier hanger like you know like I also aircraft carrier I mean that it's massive it's a hanger for aircraft carriers I'm an aircraft hanger

not a carrier oh fucking words just learn how to use it learn how to use your dick properly yeah it is possible you can fuck anyone no matter how big your dick is yeah it is possible you can fuck anyone no matter how big your dick is

yeah or do that thing they do in porn sometimes where they like just bang in between the legs and it comes out like a little fruit bottle at the end

beep boop beep boop don't know what you're watching lad lube them up get some millennium lube all of them all of them what do you mean the whole thing

get it all slippery yeah and then push it off the wall right could you make the shape of a letter O like All of them. All of them? What do you mean? The whole thing. Get it all slippery. Yeah. And then push it off the wall. Right, could you make the shape of a letter O? Like, I'm sorry, but babies come out of fannies. There's no way his dick's bigger than the average baby. Wow.

What if he's a young lad? He's a young lad just trying to find a fucking parking space for his absolute MPV. Why can't I do it what I've just said? Because there's a lot going on there

for childbirth. Like there's a lot of movement. There's a lot of movement. The hips widen. The hips don't lie. Get them to do some of that then. Get them to do some yoga before you bang them.

You can only shag birds who are in labour. Get down the maternity ward. Do you know, the further we go down this awful rabbit hole, I realise that what Adam said initially might be right. You're going to need some bigger ladies. It doesn't matter how tall you are. If you're in a bar, just find someone who is Amazonian.

Find out what Michelle McManus is up to these days. She can't be that busy. Poor old Michelle. The only one who can joke. One more? One more? Yeah, go on. Eyelids just signed up to the Patreon.

I'm so glad I did. Can't wait for the lock-in I just wanted to ask this question because both of you will be on different sides Adam how do you feel about

turning 30 we talked about Adam's 30th birthday party on last week's Patreon exclusive oh the lols how do you feel about

turning 30 does it make you sad or are you looking forward to it Dan how did you feel about turning 30 and how do you feel about turning 30? Does it make you sad or are you looking forward to it? Dan, how did you feel about turning 30 and how do you feel about turning 40 now? Oh, no, sorry.

How do you feel about turning 30 now, 10 years after? Well, I've had another, yeah, I've had another milestone since then to freak me out. Love the pod, keep up the good work. That's from Will Cooper. I feel like I'm quite excited. Sam sort of winds me up about this every now and then. He's like, you're getting old you're 30

you're fucking 30 welcome to my podcast in life I just don't care like I've never really cared about getting older I'm just excited that I get to have a big party like I think my 30s

are going to be better than my 20s anyway yeah like I just like when I turned 20 I was still having to borrow bus money off my dad

to go and do gigs yeah your 20s aren't all the crackups to be you haven't figured out who you are yet you haven't like got a proper like

not well most people haven't got like a proper idea of what they want to do with their lives and the pressure's on because you're making

choices that will affect the rest of your life yeah but without any sort of true responsibility drilled into you yeah I hate because you're making choices that will affect the rest of your life. Yeah, but without any sort of true responsibility drilled into you, yeah? I hate that. You're like, 16, pick your fucking A-levels.

18, pick your university, pick a degree. Or do you want to work? You're like, Christ almighty. That's a lot of directional stuff very early on. I just, I'm quite excited about turning 30. It's going to be a much better decade than my 20s were. Were you freaked out at 20? When you turned 20, was it freaking you out that you'd tried uni

and it not worked out, or were you sound? No, because I genuinely just felt like I was doing the right thing. I'd left uni to do stand-up, which at the time was was still new so not only did i love it the way i love it now but it was still new like i love it you love it hardcore when you start yeah i took i take stuff for granted now do you know what i mean like even after the past year i've i try not to take what i do for a living for granted but sometimes like i've got gigs this week for adam rushton i'm doing some support for Catherine Ryan he's put some gigs on where she's the main

headline and I've got to do half an hour before her and they're in Swindon, Coventry and Norwich and I'm getting good money and I'm dreading it because I've got to

drive to Norwich Norwich is a motherfucker to get to so I'm taking it for granted back then I'd be like

fucking Norwich open it for Catherine Ryan oh my'd be like fucking Norwich stay safe open up a cafe for Ryan oh my god you're trying it now I want to get home oh is it a bit too late yeah

yeah genuinely you know the your first relationships when you're sort of 17, 18 and the first time you fall in love

with a girl the the stand up equivalent of the first time you fall in love with stand up is so like that it's all or nothing it's just emotion and great gig and fucks you get you're not even about not even like prestige gigs where you're supporting someone famous just stage time or when you get a

bit of cash for doing stand-up or when you rip it and you feel every moment of it and you go home and you're like oh my god that bit worked that bit worked well that didn't quite work it's so fun being absolutely obsessed with stand-up like that and you're a way better comic with time but you do lose some of that just like unbridled um passion appreciation appreciate yeah it's excitement also the the hard gigs are harder the bad gigs hit you a bit harder because you care a bit too much but um i was the same at 20 i turned 20 and i was like i found what i want to do want to do this yeah this is this is great i want i was so and i never suffered that thing of like you know the responsibility of like what are you going to do with your life you need to be sensible you need savings you need to sort out what your future's like i was like oh fuck off i had a very

good grip of this is the time for me to fuck about yeah and the fact that i found stand up on top of that and when i turned 30 i had the same feeling of like well you look back at what did you do with your 20s and i was like well i'm still renting a flat um i haven't got a long-term girlfriend but i've got loads of mates i've got a decent career i've made a living from stand-up for 10 years i've been around the world new zealand the middle east i've been all over done ski gigs where they fucking paid me to go skiing and talk to some bellends in in the alps i i spent 10 years having a fucking great time. So I think when you turn these milestone birthdays, it's not what's coming,

because you don't know, and you're like, well, I feel good now. I'm sure it'll go fine. It's more like, well, what have I done for the last 10 years? And as long as you've enjoyed your life and you've had fun, and you've not wasted time in some terrible job that you hate, think these milestones are easy i'm sorry to contradict you but i actually do sort of i'm not looking at the past 10 years in a way i'm looking at what's to come like for example my mate text me yesterday who i was made to growing up he's getting married in august and i've got a gig in and i'm just going

to pull it and i couldn't have done that 10 years ago. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm going to message the comedy club and go, look, one of my best mates from when I was growing up is getting married, being rearranged three or four times on this date. It clashes with your gig. I'm really sorry, but I need to come out of it. I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to start like... Is that to do with your age or is that to do with the pod doing well?

Both. It's like I don't... I've put enough graft in with these comedy clubs that I've got enough in the bank now where I can pull favours like that. And the freedom that this gives me, my 30s is going to be well better than my 20s. I'm excited about it.

When I turned 30, I did look forward in the sense that I was like, this has been sad on my 20s, but I hope when I hit 40, I've settled down a bit and I'm not, you know, snorting fucking pills at 4am. Like there was a bit of me. It was like,

you don't do that past half one now do you? Midnight. I'm not an animal. Laura, whip a tit out. I, I wanted to have settled down and, and chilled out.

So again, yeah, you do look forward a little bit, but I think the panic is what, like when you look back and go, what the fuck, where am I at with my life? I think the main thing is just make sure you're doing shit that you want to do.

Like, don't get stuck in a job that you fucking hate because 30 and then 40 will come along and you'll be like, well, I couldn't leave because I've got these responsibilities. Like, just don't waste your fucking life. Yeah. So that's a pretty comprehensive answer to that question. Find Michelle McManus and stick your weapon in her. Different person. Oh, sorry, yeah. Yeah. So that's a pretty comprehensive answer to that question. Find Michelle McManus and stick your weapon in a different person.

Oh, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Let's have a break. KK is today's guest. He'll be with us just after the money twats.

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That's how we're going to start this episode. Do you know what? That's one of those things that nobody's ever going to go, I want to fuck, like, what's, no one's going to go. I want to. K's level is like there. You getting him? Yeah. Nobody's ever going to go, I want to. What's K's level, it's like there. You're getting him. He's fine, he's good.

Nobody's ever gonna go, I want to fuck Carrie Simmons. Like do you know. It's Carrie Simmons. Boris Johnson's wife. She's not bad. Yeah, but like. She's not bad, Carrie. I mean.

I mean, regardless of, no, like nobody ever came out on a standup set and going, Cherie Blair. Oh dear. She looked like. I fuck Cherie Blair. She looked like she'd just been fucked. She dabbed that face like go on, what was that?

We talk about this quite a lot. It's very easy to see why the show is very close to cancellation. It's only ever been close once and that was one very specific group of people. And that wasn't Cherie Blair.

No. We talk about this a lot. I'd fuck most famous people just to be able to tell you I've done it. Did you sell a story though? She is fucking ugly back in the day though you can't judge her now can you back in the like early 80s when she was

a socialist activist then just google should he bring oh no she was that's cutting it fine isn't it um but no the tories are all by far the most horny um group like they were fucking back in the 80s like edwina curry and john major were getting it on in it oh what a horrible yeah when they go into sex clubs and wearing nazi uniforms spanking bows oh but if i major if i was a land owning aristocrat i'd want to fuck like that like i own fucking land inherited wealth let's spank a working class woman yeah i'm being so you want on a normal sex with your wife called fucking marjorie oh fuck that you want to like get nasty in a basement in chelsea they are the horniest people but you can't imagine them being like the best at it. Like Matt Hancock, did you see the way Matt Hancock grabbed the bum in it?

Like it didn't feel convincing. Like his bum grabbing technique. Like if you can- There was no sound on the video, was there? So I felt like on the sound, she went, grab me ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, ah! Yeah, like-

I forgot! I got a bum there. Yeah, exactly. It felt like he'd read a manual on how to, like, kiss and have sex. And this is when I'm going to grope you just a little. Have you seen... He does look a bit robotic. So, yeah, everything he was doing was like...

Yeah. Old white guy's not known for being particularly sexy, eh? Like, is that fair? Why do you think that is, though? Why do you think, like, white men aren't seen as, like, sexual? What, white Tory cabinet ministers? No like, sexual? White Tory cabinet ministers. No, there's no white Tory cabinet ministers. I mean, they love to fuck, but they're not well known for it.

Nobody ever goes, nobody ever goes, ooh, I want someone pale, short, and handsome. Do you know what? If you'd have given me all the money in the world to bet on when we would do the old white men body positivity podcast, I didn't think it was when you were coming in. Tories love to fuck, to too do you know what like dicks matter because you always tell me i hate fat

people and no i'm here to say you don't hate fat people you're just disgusted by the idea of being one aren't you well i was one yeah that's why yeah so then you hate that and i ain't going back i ain't going back to that motherfucking time you dress how i wish i could dress do you know what i mean you can with you can't i can't with a calorie limit of 18 000 calories you know you're talking about like no see you're talking about like old white tory ministers you can bring that down to short white scousers it would be chubby you wear that and you look like you might be into basketball. I am.

Right? Exactly. I know you are. You look, you're like, yeah, I'm into basketball. Of course, I can wear a basketball top. If I wear that,

it looks like it was sent to me in a box by people who have got more money than me. What do you mean? I mean, likefam donation style thing Oh right right It looks like a hand me down to me Like a Tory minister Who wants to fuck you

Like are you saying You're gonna make a wish Like I can't wait Like Oh let's buy him a basketball top Let's make him a shoebox Shoebox appeal

Oh Let's make it Can we do the next episode Next time Kay's in When you go for round When we do round two yeah yeah we'll

I'll remember and we'll all wear basketballs I'm about optimistic about this one no this feels like it's got a round two in this

it's already I mean we're only four minutes in but this shit needs a sequel we don't need to he started with I want to bang

Michelle Obama that's as much introduction you need to press the button and stuff alright okay yeah they didn't even Adam do you want to do it K. That's as much introduction. You need to press the button and stuff. All right, okay. Yeah, they didn't even- Adam, do you want to do it? Cake heads here, ladies and gentlemen.

Former fat man! Sorry. Is this where I hear Kane Brown going, shut the fuck up, Brad Pitt? Go and chat to me. Have you seen that clip? Have we seen that clip? No, because you know sometimes people just put clips,

and I don't know where that's from. But that one, the first time, because that was back on World Star Hip Hop days, isn't it? It went viral and it was like, why do English people use Jamaican words? You know, in the comments and stuff like that. But Kane is so pissed because he didn't know anything about social media back then,

so he didn't know how to capitalise off that. I think whatever views it's on, we must account for about 30,000 of them because... Your pussy look like colander. No, it's not hot dog juice. You look like a fucking colander. You got fumes coming off your pum pum. You look like a petrol station.

You know what I'm saying, mate? So do you know what? Yeah, I used to gig with Kane. He used to MC at this... Did you start on the black circuit yeah i started on a black circuit yeah so did i like in preston it was just me and black phil i went with phil well in that how's he doing he's doing really well that's not making the episode it is um so yeah no we used to mc at this night where i live in

streatham and it's uh it's called the hideaway and every sunday they'd have like a black comedy night in there and he'd be mc and like kane would just be roofing it every week as an mc to the point where like acts couldn't follow him. He's the black Peter Kay. That's the Peter Kay stories from the frog. You can't have him compare, he's too good. Yeah, so it was literally like, you're like, oh fuck, Kane's just done 10 minutes, roofed it. And then someone's coming on and going,

so like, do you know what I mean? It's like, you can't do material after he's just blown away the room, just doing crowd work. What's the black version of garlic bread? Rise and peace. Yeah, there we go. just blowing away the room just doing crowd work what's the black version of garlic bread you know like there's people that do tribute acts if someone someone did the black pk but this is the thing like i thought all comedians started on the black circuit so like i've got it in my special where i thought like kevin bridges and them started on the black circuit like i genuinely thought that when i started comedy i was like this is where it is it's richard blackwood and michael mcintyre

so like i had like these images of like fucking like Kevin Bridges going we don't have rice and peace you can't be afraid of my spurs like do you know what I mean

like walking into a room upset me nasty bitch what's that on your fucking lip you look like a colon

bug man and I thought like yeah like Bugman. And I thought like, yeah, like John Bishop, innit? I thought, cause they do do that don't they, Nigerians. I think that's one of his bits. They do do that. It's one of mine. It's from.

I think you've just described our podcast. Fuck. Fuckin''ll be tonight. Shining out of the frog. I'm not some unitarian. Have you seen Adam Rose's bit about Nigerians? There you go. Ooh, this is fun.

What's that? Is that you in space? What? That mug. What's the picture of you? Oh, that's Dan dressed as Mother Teresa, obviously. How did you know? Oh, it looked like you were trying to go into space.

Oh, come guzzling whore. All right, fine. Yeah, that's a present from Adam's girlfriend. And that's how dressed as Mother Teresa, obviously. How did you know? Oh, it looked like you were trying to go into space. Oh, come guzzling whore. Alright, fine. Yeah, that's a present from Adam's girlfriend. And that's how we knew she was a'ight. What is it with the black... Hooray up. Hooray up. That wasn't... If I'd have pluralised that one syllable word, that would have been a problematic start to a conversation.

Why is it with the black comedy scenes, inability to develop posters that don't look fucking dreadful? Every time I see promo for the Urban Comedy Night, I'm like, oh my God. It's like they can't see past UK Garage in 2003. No, so do you know what? I mean, this is- You shouldn't have a smoke effect on a promo poster.

I mean, you should have brought this up with Dane Baptiste. He'd have been like very- No, he was trying to bring down the Illuminati. Talking to you is way more lighthearted. So like, do you know what it is? I think a lot of of promoters used to promote club nights yeah

so they used to promote club nights and music nights and stuff so they're like yo BC Lee man we'll just do a poster and then boom

it is exactly that and I know it's that and I can tell you why because there's a poster from a gig I ran at Mosquito in Liverpool so there's a little

nightclub in Liverpool. You did it for me once. And it was you and Steve Addis on the same night. It was a Wednesday night. It was like 100 quid each. The budget was like 300 quid. Perfectly fine for a Wednesday. Yeah.

And Mosquito Liverpool comedy. Oh, wow. You lot have got like the screen. This is like proper Joe Rogan, isn't it? Jeremy, bring up the picture. You might be able to find it on my Facebook profile. That's not the poster, is it? Some guy lying on the bar.

That's it. That's actually. Can we, next time we do a live show and we have to do some promo, basketball tops, smoke effect. Introducing Adam Rowe. Malay. Malay the 19 year old.

The mosquito comment I post at is just me, but it's very that. Right. I mean. I think I can see it in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're very front and centre. And then have a word live on a knuckle duster.

Yeah. But I've said this before. I've said it to you I think like Scouse has moved like ethnic minorities yeah so like

where you guys were like fuck that don't want to go to London and do your shows just make our own scene yeah and it was pretty much the same thing

with like the black comedy scene as well they were just like well if you're not going to have us in your clubs we'll just make our own

fucking comedy clubs you're not going to book us on a weekend we'll hire it on a Wednesday or a Sunday. Where does that urban, because it's London, I imagine, massively so. And then what, few in Birmingham, few in Manchester?

You get a lot in Birmingham. It's not a black comedy night in Stockton-upon-Teach, is it? No, no, there isn't. Mind you, I did a black comedy night in Stoke-on-Trent once and the kebab shop was in the club. Yeah, the kebab shop was, it was the club yeah the kebab shop was it was like a nightclub that they turned into a comedy night that night and there was like a kebab shop in the fucking like and it said halal on it which blew my mind i was like nothing about this place

is halal nothing about stoke is halal and they're pretty proud of that yeah exactly like you're sitting here it's halal, brother, it's fine. And you're like, there's alcohol right there, bro. It's not halal, is it? This spoons is halal. Small lines of cocaine, down and bottles of Siddharth. How is this me cook, lad?

How's she being fingered? She better be halal. Oh my God. Can you finger in a halal way? Can you finger in a halal way? Can you finger in a halal way? Don't ask me this. This is not an area where I'm willing for this to go on the internet.

Do you know what I mean? Look, look, like, you know, like let's be, I mean, you know. This is not an UK. You don't have to be professional and steer us out of stone. I can hear what you're doing. You're like, guys, I don't think you can. Let me just say this.

The group that you're trying to make jokes about notoriously don't take jokes well. I have heard about that. So in order for there not to be a fatwa against this podcast, I think we should... Oh, think of the press. It would be you two and Salman Rushdie

in some of them. He's the guy that... He's an author. you two and Salman Rushdie like in some of it. He's the guy that, he's an author. You know who Salman Rushdie is. He's like, yeah. I know his name. I know his face. He pissed off like the Muslim version of disabled Twitter. We fucked off disability Twitter.

He fucked off the Ayatollah. So it's similar. They have activists yeah he wrote some novels and um basically like he pissed off I think it was the Iranian regime or something and then they put out fat war against him so like what's that what's that mean you're allowed to kill him yeah basically it's sort of like you get a price when you send yeah it's like they're like just imagine like the godfather he's gonna sleep with the fishes right but in like it's like a bounty farcey like yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like a legal killing isn't it

well they sanction it as in you know what like if you kill him we won't do anything to you but if you kill him in west london where he's hiding i don't think it is a legal killing i've got a pass but like these guys like claim to it like jamming they're like holy people think it is a legal killing. I've got to pass. But like these guys like claim to it like, I mean, they're like holy people, isn't it? To a lot of these, to a lot of their believers and followers and whatever. So they're like.

Higher authority, isn't it? Yeah. So they're like, oh, well, like it'll be the equivalent of your, like the Pope said it's okay to kill him. Like God won't punish you for it. Yeah.

Right. That kind of thing. And he lives. He lives. He lives and dies. He went to Cardinal Heaton and he's taken that hey you've got three points

on your licence for speeding not from the fucking Pope I haven't I've got it from Merseyside Police not the Vatican John Paul said my brakes are good enough for me to go 90

listen I might have three points on my licence but I've got an Evan so I'm getting there quick who's the real winner in life. Is this how it's meant to start? No, you started it fun.

I love it when people bring the energy that you brought. This is it. Yeah, this is it. I just thought, fuck it, let's record. But honestly, guys, thanks for having me, man. It's quality. I've never met you before. Yeah, this is fun. I've always heard about Dan.

I've always heard about you. All right, all right. Yeah, he's quality. I've never met you before. This is, yeah, this is... I've always heard about, like, Dan. I've always heard about you. All right, all right. Yeah, he's like the fucking best comic in the country. Yeah. Well, he's using a Northern accent, but, like... A bit North! A bit wearing shoes! And the few cunts that have got microphones are all right.

I didn't gig in London for ages because at the start of my career... Why would you? Shit hole. There was paid work in the North West. I agree. I didn't gig in London for ages because at the start of my career Why would you? Shit all There was paid work in the North West I agree If you could literally dress yourself When I started out in 2003

He's got trousers 80 quid on a Wednesday Easy And then everyone was like Yeah, London's just a fucking Don't like your mum It's a bum fight Don't bother with it

So I never gigged in London for ages I've occasionally done like the boat show and Covent Garden. The boat's really nice. But I'm, yeah, there's loads of London acts that I know the names of and basically working with them

and doing this. Yeah. I've got to, it's, I feel like people know about me a bit more. Do you need, do you need to in this day and age? This is what I always tell people.

If you, like, you guys reach so many more people than you would do gigging in a room full of 200 people on a saturday yeah i don't know it's definitely it's not someone we're not going to gig literally i had someone come up to me in uh up the creek on tuesday going you should do have a word i'm like i'm there on friday so like that's how far your podcast reaches in terms of in terms of, but in terms of reach, do you see where I'm coming from? Like, how many times would you have to gig in London

before people stop referring to you as the guy that was on second or the guy that was on third? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely a lot. The game's changing, innit? Yeah, yeah. You, me, this podcast, there's a lot of younger comics

who are sort of already on board with that and the fact that it is changing. And there's still a of younger comics who are sort of already on board with that and the fact that it is changing and there's still a few older comics who are like no no no

it'll come back and it'll be fine I'll do Nottingham Jonglers they're going to relaunch I'll do that I'll do that for time

I think the scary thing for those guys is going to be because now the perception and some of them aren't accepting it is that your live

shows your live circuit work or whatever, that's the job. And then, oh yeah, you've got a little internet thing in the side. I mean, I don't, but I know a lot of these do.

The scary day for them is when they realise that the internet is the main thing and the live stuff is the side thing. I don't think anyone did more content than you online in the last year, on Twitter anyway. Probably Munya Chihuahua.

You were there. i was trying to hammer it man like i was hammering lockdown we've been all a lot more productive than at any other point i was literally like like first lockdown hit and i was like i'm useless to society like i had that feeling where i was like there is nothing i can do like and it was like there was no gig to look forward to it was just like so i might as well start making videos so like it was literally that like otherwise i'd have gone insane bruv i was just like let me just fucking bang out these videos otherwise like yeah i'm gonna lose it like there's only so many times i could take the dog for a walk but you know what i found most funny about that whole experience was when comics were like oh fuck youtubers fuck streaming all of

that sort of stuff for ages in it and then a pandemic hit and it was like, oh, fuck YouTubers, fuck streaming, all of that sort of stuff for ages, innit? And then a pandemic hit, and it was like, does anybody know an app for subtitling? No, you've got to fucking do it. What do you mean? I have to pay for Adobe. It's like you're willing to pay 10 grand for a fucking Edinburgh run. A comic literally said to me,

how much are you spending on podcast equipment? And then what would it be, a year later in the middle of the pandemic? Amazon ran out of these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the whole industry went, fuck me, I need to run podcasts too. Just one spare, not even using it. Like it's just there. It's literally on that calendar.

It's just literally there. Do you know what I mean? Just to stop one competitor. Just some other guy in like witness. Stop piling fucking roadcasters. Have you heard about Adam and Dan? They've got 48 of the cunts. We could do that though.

We could spend a month's Patreon money on roadcasters and then just triple the price of them and sell them off. But do you know what you guys did well though? Like a lot of people will start a podcast and they're like, oh yeah, here it is. It's me. And it's just them in there. Like you guys were like but do you know what you guys did well though like like a lot of people will start a podcast and they're like oh yeah here it is it's me and it's just them in there like you guys were like do you know what if we're gonna do this let's fucking do this properly there's gonna be a studio there's gonna be thick yeah i mean we're like we were already doing that before the pandemic 100 yeah so we had a head start like a big head start yeah like people have said oh it's great that you started this in the pandemic you're like nope we'd done 13 20 but it had a different name didn't it it was sort of like so so we did one episode of

dan's podcast which was called the hack radio pod oh yeah that's what i thought you meant yeah that one yeah yeah we only did one episode of that because that was his and then after that he asked me to do a podcast together and i was like absolutely but like you sort of know what i'm like yeah he knows better than anyone I'm like. So if I want to do something, I run with it. So Dan was literally like, should we do a podcast together? And you're like, I'm here every week.

If it's at four, I'm here at 3.30. It's great. We literally picked the name and then like two days later, I sent him a picture. I was like, I've got the hoodies printed. Here's the ad. It's fucking brilliant.

Yeah, but that's what you need to do. So you guys smashed it, man. But with the coming out of the pandemic it my career is completely different than going into it yours must be the same like i get recognized once a day now and there's people who've used that that you can't go and gig there's people that have used it to go well i'm gonna do something nigel is another one oh michael spicer like alice nigel has had the fucking most meteoric rise i've ever fucking seen in my life like it was just like everyone was just like oh yeah like okay no yeah nigel's a great comic whatever and then all of a sudden it was like fucking hell he's famous yeah graph and it's it's a simple thing isn't it that

he's done well but it's just the graft yeah Yeah, if you bang him. Are you all right? At first then, you said the graph. You knocked the T off, which I'm just saying. Yeah, I thought you said graph as in like, yeah, if you look at the graph. The graph. The hard work. I wasn't being racist.

You fucking were on accident. I promise. Honestly. Put the graph in. What is graph in? What's the slang for graph in? I don't know, but he's making it feel racist. Am I missing something? If you were to do, right, an offensive Uncle Roger accent.

This is coming from him. He put the graft in. How would you say the word graft he put that graph in hi yeah yeah yeah i mean yeah yeah yeah you're good at that yeah you've got to get very accurate so it's not racist yeah so i learned very early on oh you tried doing a jamaican accent in a room full of jamaicans if you don't get accurate pretty quickly they'll tell you about it so um what uh because you do voices you do accents whereas the jamaicans not easy to fuck with no don't don't fuck because you because famously we've talked about in the podcast you go to newcastle i started out gigging

in newcastle and if anyone was from anywhere like even remotely exotic like south of peterborough and they bothered to learn a local area name and could do a half decent geordie accent geordie's were like fucking quality he knows he's done the research that's fucking amazing how do you know about fucking durham and they and they were dead impressed but then you go to liverpool try and do a liverpool accent and i was like that's not it is it no it's got to be great it's impossible it's got to be phenomenal like milo mccabe's milo or alfie that's it reginald hunter walked on stage obviously huge black guy from atlanta walked on stage at the heiner and newcastle hey i'm not from around here i'm Middlesbrough. And they didn't stop laughing for nine minutes straight.

Like, he didn't do an accent, just knew the name of Middlesbrough and was a black American. And they're like, yeah, he's fucking not. I'm fucking fed, he's not. Yeah, damn, he's not from Tayside, is he? That's a joke. Fucking got a map out, done some research.

Fucking turned up. Why I? So Jamaicans not good to not go to and also i think like i don't fuck with jamaicans okay no it is like i don't i don't you just don't and then there's like like okay so when people do a quote-unquote african accent a lot of time it's madly disrespectful it's like like. Like, especially when you... Oh, dear. Oh, shit. Especially...

Oh, my God. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Fucking hell. Yeah, no, but it's like, if you... Because there's, like, variations of it. There's different accents in Africa

that, like, if you get those right, like, people go, oh, my God, he fucking knows. Whereas, like, if you just do the... Like, start... You do the hack racist Africanrican yeah then you're then yeah but you're not no one's impressed you're gonna need to delete some episodes yeah and some of the first section from today but what if i do my attempt at a

ghanaian accent and it's just shit but I'm not saying it's an African accent I'm saying it's meant to be Ghanaian can't I just be shit at accents

so but it depends on the context and how you're delivering it right so if you're like this is my attempt at a Ghanaian accent and I know it's going to be shit

and like if you tell them they'll yeah like if you tell them if you've and plus you're already funny so you smash about six minutes first and then go where's where's the garnet and comedy

night that you're going to to perform to mainly do you want to do a black comedy night yes he does i want to come as well bring two white friends i could try and get you in touch next time you're in london or whatever he is trying oh no not I was supposed to do one, and it was cancelled by the pandemic. Oh, I hate when I forget someone's name who I actually really like. Mr. Mr. C. Mr. C. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brilliant. Yeah, brilliant guy. Yeah. He had me booked for some of his stuff. Yeah, they're great. They're great. Oh, they're great. But the thing is, you know where you do an all right gig somewhere somewhere and you're like i didn't smash but the crowd enjoyed it right yeah

there's none of that black gigs in it like on the urban circuit like or the black circuit like if you there's no middle of the road i did all right you either die or you're smashing it like so this is probably london like because i've done one at the frog and bucket in manchester that was an urban comedy night and i was the token white yeah in the middle and i don't think that was proper urban comedy no because you know like when they're like the nfl are playing at london in london wembley you're like that's not a proper nfl crowd is it of course it looks a bit like it it's got a branding not the same as me me. Yeah, there's the flags, people wearing the kits. But really. That's how it felt.

I'd like to do a proper South London. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, trust me, man. I reckon you'd smash it anyway. Because the worst thing you could do is come in there trying to be someone else. Like, which is what a lot of people would try and do. Like, I'm not going to name the comic, but it was one time, right? If you bleep it out, I'll probably say it.

I'll bleep it out. Yeah. I'll bleep it out. I'll probably say it. Yeah, if you, no, but would you? I promise I'll bleep it off. Okay, so like, and then- I'll cover your mouth. You don't need- Right? So we're doing this gig, right? And then he's just like, he's coming out like really cocky.

No, I'm just, I'll bleep that name out as well. I'm opening for whatever, and it's just like, and like, he's just sort of like yeah like really cocky about the whole incident you know what I mean like I'm gonna smash this room kind of thing and whatever

and that's not what he's like normally no but it was just he is yeah no he is

yeah he is but like it was like it was just like you know when you're like way too overconfident and like another act was there and was like have you ever played in front of a crowd like this before and you're like way too overconfident and like another act was

there and was like have you ever played in front of a crowd like this before and he was like no and she's like have you done your research do you know what you're gonna say and he's like i'll just do my own stuff i'll be fine kind of thing but uh first joke he said something i don't know it was something like really offensive like do you know what i mean like like you know like the worst stereotype you can imagine it was that bad I don't even remember about yeah about black people and then it was just like hey that's that's probably misunderstanding the gig booking isn't it you know you're like well it's a black comedy night so I'll do the black jokes let me tell you yeah he walked off stage all the way to the exit

back to the stage they didn't say hello to anybody didn't say goodbye to anybody even a promoter was like oh where is he i've got his money for him like it's like no he's fucked off bro like it was one of those things climb out the window bad yeah yeah like like it was honestly like you know when people when you hear someone going like in the crowd like when you can hear someone like at the punchline kiss their teeth at your joke you're just like so do what so this is your tip to us we're going to be coming yourself just do your set proper don't be like yeah be yourself and it's just like just be self-aware yeah it's like exactly like it's like a room

don't you exactly you play the frog different and you've even played the slaughterhouse or like it's just like when you're in it's like you said when you're in Newcastle you might do a joke where you've researched it or whatever just to just to fit in kind of thing

Rob Regdy Huntersby I'm not from round here I'm from Croydon I'm not from round here I'm from Lesotho I'm intrigued I reckon you two will both smash My Patreon dar is

Tinging so much that I'm like Patreon exclusive Adam and Dan road trip to South London I wanna do it mate I wanna do it Kay can be our guide like shut up Don't do that That's enough

I wanna eat Caribbean food can be our guide like shut up don't do that hey not yeah fuck i want to eat caribbean food rice and peas i say rice and peas not lightly oh is there a window because i call it plantain and you guys call it planting is that true you're putting the plant in in planting in sounds wrong to me that but you knew you oh my god so don't do the black pk thing all right cool cool don't do that yeah it's good to learn it'll be fun to see you guys there though i reckon i know you i've seen you you smash it it's fine like but um yeah there, there's certain people where I look at them and go, nah, you're not going to.

Mate, of course you smash it. We'd have a better time doing an urban comedy night than playing to a bunch of fucking Tories. 100%. Tories know how to laugh, though. No, they don't. I would much rather. All right, okay, look. Okay, would you rather play to a bunch of Tories

or a bunch of people that, you know, purple hair, like... Do you know what I'm talking about? Goths. Vegans. That kind of, like, really left-wing, everything is offensive. Oh, actually. Oh, you mean like uber-liberal left-wing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That kind of, like, where it's just like, well, actually, I feel like... I'd rather gig to them, knowing that I'm going down in flames. Do you know what I mean? Do you imagine the Tories are like, ha, ha, ha, Adam, we loved your comedy. See, the Tories, I feel like- Well, you're a Scoutser, innit?

They're so reserved, though. Like, in my head, I'm not- No, you say that! No, but like, no, go to- I had to do one of those festivals where David Cameron goes with his family, right? And is it on the River Thames? No, it's Henley on Thames.

I've done the Henley Festival. I've done that. And I absolutely fucking volleyed it. And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why, right? And I love this guy. There's just no disrespect to him. I think he's fucking brilliant.

He's hilarious. But he ate the biggest bag of dicks i've ever seen in my entire life you know andy field yeah yeah have you seen andy field yeah he's fucking unbelievable he's so sort of like stoner really skinny weird looks like could easily be in that left-wing audience yeah yeah right like corduroy that kind of thing like he's got this joke about like and I'm gonna butcher it a bit and I apologise

if he's like oh but I know he's put this out on social media where he's like his favourite footballer is Kevin Lasagna because he's an Italian man

who sounds like he got caught at the Italian border panicked and went Kevin oh I need to make it as Italian as possible

it's that sort of humour it's so funny I love it and he kills 99% of the times I've seen him and he died Henley Festival

the biggest preface to a story I've ever seen every single person he does charity work he's adopted some orphans one of the nicest people ever however

sucked her bag off dicks they were all in like black tie like they're all like oh yeah like top and tails and that they hated them and he was literally on state we have to do half an hour each because it's a festival where oh yeah it's a festival where everyone doesn't know where but they have a few up and coming guys who do half an hour each so the tent's full like full and he goes on and he's about five six minutes in and they've just gone no like no and then at one point like 11 minutes in someone went you're ruining it you're ruining our evening right that's such a polite heckle though it's

devastating but he keeps looking at me And also I have my camera with me and he asked me to film his set. I sent him the footage of it as well. Cause he was like, I'm going to put that out. That's hilarious. Like he won't be bothered. He took it well.

Yeah. But he kept looking at me going, fuck, you know? And then he was looking at the, he was looking at the other, he's going, I've got to do my half an hour or I don't get paid.

There's another one. And then towards the end, he was just talking about how much they hated him he's like i can't bring myself to hate you guys but you really don't like me do you like towards the end it looks like a festival that's the one i did yeah henley on henley on the henley is it called the henley festival i think so yeah it looks if you just take away all of the punters visually looks like a festival there's a main stage and there's like the pop-up tents

and there's grass in it. And then once you see them milling around, it is like, I've never been to one of these, but like a Tory top Illuminati fundraiser. All the women in ball gowns. And this is how I knew it was different. As we were leaving, you know, at the entrance of a festival, there's like a drop-off point.

There might be like a minibus, a taxi, and then someone's dad who's waiting for his 17-year-old daughter and her mates to pick them up. There was like two Rolls Royces and a Bentley and some chauffeurs just milling around. It was the weirdest thing of like, this looks like a festival that's just been taken over

by the poshest puns ever. Do you like performing at festivals, though? Not that one. See, I definitely benefited that night from not being him. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that one. See, I definitely benefited that night from not being him. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get that sometimes. And I've definitely had people follow me and have that benefit

where the audience have hated me. And the next guy goes on and they're like, well, at least it's not that guy. We can get on board with this. Yeah, yeah. But because of that, I feel like a Tory gig, I think I'd be finer. But I think I'd just hate it

I'd hate that they sort of liked me and I'd hate that they didn't proper let themselves go in my head Tory gigs are small little villages in England where they're like yeah that's quite good would you want that or the people that are offended on other people's behalf

because i'd enjoy watching them hate me okay i suppose i get you get that but yeah i mean like i'm a bit sadistic with it yeah yeah like i didn't get to tell you see i'm still in that insecure where i want them to love me same here but if you play into the uber liberal fucking pink hair you might as well do black peter k and really lean in do you know what i don't like festivals right it's the idea because i came to this country as a refugee and those things just feel like refugee camps of music yeah was there no music at the camps we never stayed in one in it but like it's like what is my question me trying to explain it to

my parents like i'm going to a festival they're just like that's what we trying to explain it to my parents. So I'm going to a festival. They're just like, that's what we try to keep you away from. Kind of thing. Do you know what I mean? Like there's no toilet, there's no running water, but on the outside, there's lots of alcohol and music. Like, do you know what I mean?

It doesn't- Yeah. You've really got to get Google Maps out when you're trying to get to the Isle of Wight festival, haven't you? Because if you fuck up and you're in Calais, like- Where's the main stage? If I lose my passport, it's fucked out here, bruv. you're in calais like where's the main stage if i lose my passport it's fucked out here bruv they're looking at me like yeah right you english fuck off

back to calais you prick what country were you born in i don't think about russia so i was born in technically iran technically iran yeah and you say that because your ethnic heritage is kurdish yes i'm kurdish so kurds are spread between ira Iraq, Iran, Turkey and Syria. So after the breakup of the Ottoman Empire, because states are a relatively new invention. The idea of countries didn't really exist, especially in the Middle East up until the 20s. So there was a treaty that mandated that there would be a Kurdish state

and then there was another treaty two years after that which didn't allow it to happen. So you've got a bunch of Kurdish people living in four separate countries in that area in the middle of all of it. So my parents were part of the resistance that fought against Saddam Hussein. So in 88, when that broke down

and Saddam was gassing Kurds and whatever, doing his campaign of genocide, they had to flee to one of the Kurdish cities in Iran, which is where I was born. And I would still rather play there than the Henley Festival. They like you. Just be yourself. Just be yourself.

What you need to do is get the accent accurate. How's your Kurdish, Dan? Not good. But yeah, so, so yeah, that's where I was technically. So I've got an Iranian birth certificate, which is what I'm like. like it's fucked when i feel no affiliation to around like no no but when i try to get into america yeah like on an ester i get rejected even before i press submit you hover the mouse over and it goes no it goes sorry buddy not happening the computer just plays a call to prayer it just plays a smart swangle banner like it's like 20 times going you're not fucking coming but no it's like because it's literally like have you visited iraq iran wherever in the last 10

years and it's like well yeah i went back to visit my family so then that's like already bad and it's like oh what religion are you and it's like well yeah i'm muslim okay well that's it so they just look at everything and it just i've never seen an email come back so quickly yeah you thought it was an out of office exactly exactly i literally pressed it and and they like they didn't even bother taking the money out you know when you like when you like they didn't even bother they were just like do you know what keep that They didn't even bother They were just like Do you know what

Keep that Hold that Hold that my guy It was just like I was like I was in a hotel room as well The last time I was doing it And I was like

Yeah fuck it I'm gonna go LA bro And it was like No you're not Have you never been to America then No I have But it was like After Trump came in

Yeah You know when they like Tightened up all the rules and stuff Yeah like it's not When they got extra racist Yeah when they and stuff yeah like it's not when they got extra racist yeah when they just like yeah yeah it's not happening bruv

but it's like it's so weird because then they'll be like the Kurds are our allies so what I'd have to do is like I know a lot of my Kurdish mates that when they've

they've had to just go to the American embassy do an interview and they're like oh you're Kurdish alright cool here's your visa kind of thing

are you gonna try and go back now that like the Democrats are back in fuck knows man at this point I'll go to fucking Great Yarmouth

if I can as long as there's a bit of sun I'll go anywhere at the moment but I know how ambitious you are as well

yeah yeah so have you not got sort of ideals on expanding your comedy career into the States yeah eventually hopefully yeah yeah

getting a work visa that would be the that would be the key what about yourself oh just get a fucking holiday visa and tell no one not oh my god the first time i ever went to america i was in miami and it was an african-american lady that was at the at the um border and american border control fucking frightening bruv yeah where they're like what are you here for what is the nature of your visit all of that sort of shit like and it's especially hard when you know and like she's looking at my name and she's like where are you from and i was like uh england and she's like no

where are you from from and i'm like oh she did the from yeah and i'm like fucking like yeah and i'm explaining to her and it's like oh yeah my parents left And I mean We were fleeing Saddam Hussein We got rid of him For you boo boo Stabbed my passport And was like Welcome to America I was like Oh thanks lady

Oh my god You went to Canada though Didn't you You went to Toronto You're allowed Canada You can go in Canada Yeah I don't give a fuck I don't give a fuck

Please You go down the league table and then more welcoming. Get the fuck over. Anyone, come, please. Canada's nice though. It's like a mixture between America and London.

Well, Toronto is anyway. Yeah. Like Toronto's like... The Raptors are my team that I sort of just picked for no reason a few years ago. Yeah, I've got quite a bit of Raptors gear.

Early on in the podcast, we had a few people write in because I've got a few bits of Raptors gear, like a jacket, I've got quite a bit of Raptors gear. Early on in the podcast, we had a few people write in, because I've got a few bits of Raptors gear, like a jacket, I've got a Raptors hat, and I've got a lot of D-squared stuff as well, which has also got the Canadian flag on. And we got a few messages in the, you know, the Shutdown Daily area of the pod,

where we were doing it via Zoom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People were writing in going, is Adam, like, Canadian or something? Because he wears a lot of Canadian shite. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah they read into way too much like oh dan's wearing hoonigans things is he a bit of a bit of a car fan they're like nope i saw a hat online that liked i'm just waiting for it i'm just waiting for the day where

they like because it's going to happen it's bound to happen free white guys on a podcast right where they say you guys are a gateway to the alt-right i'm just waiting for that that's why we get you on. Close the gate. Okay, just mind that door. It's like whenever we do something racially... Join us next week when Andrew Lawrence is joining us for... Genuinely, when, like, Dane retweets one of our fucking videos, you're like, woo!

Dane says it's all right. Why has he blocked you? I don't know. He blocked me years ago. Andrew Lawrence has blocked you. Yeah, he blocked me years ago. He blocked me years ago and then unblocked me? Yeah, I was just like, ugh.

But like I literally one day like someone, you know when like you tweet something and it's like this tweet is unavailable and I press it and it's like, oh, you're blocked. I was like, I literally one day, like someone, you know when like you tweet something and it's like this tweet is unavailable and I press it and it's like, oh, you're blocked. I was like, oh. Yeah. I didn't see you like that. George Galloway's blocked me.

Really? Yeah, and I've never interacted with him. Well, I must have, but I can't remember. I feel like he's got quite a good instinct there. He tagged me in something once, right? And I was like, why have you tagged me in this? Like something from his show. And he's just he's like oh we're just big fans and i was like so but why are you just tagging george galloway yeah he is quite the orator man like i'd you

whether you believe in his brand of politics and i know he's an antagonist and everything but he uh i used to listen to, you know, Matt Ford, yeah. It's such a shame that his career will be boiled down to him being a prick on Celebrity Big Brother.

Do you remember Ford, Matt Ford, who's gone on to be a really successful political, so he started out in and around the same time as me.

We've shared a flat in Edinburgh and whatnot. I thought you were going to say he started around the same time as Galloway. They were both doing the clubs together,

but he sort of reared into politics. I've got a bit about the PLO yeah and I listened to his talk sport show you know when you're like I'm not going to enjoy this

I'm just waiting for 40 to come on fucking George Galloway was so listenable like he would be an amazing guest on here amazing

I'm yeah he still blocked me first yeah i don't know what you've done to george galloway but he's got a show on rt doesn't he right and that's sort of like once you're on rt it's sort of like well you've gone yeah you know you've sort of like given up on any sort of mainstream success the gb news of its day right it's not really gb news it's more it's russia today yeah so i mean it does what it says on the tin in it yeah like but like you get like people that were famous in the 90s like on there

they've got their own show and you're like yeah like canadian immigration they let more people on yeah yeah yeah but it's like hold on like you used to be on Channel 4. What are you doing here? And it's like, oh, yeah. What's Beppe De Marco doing on this? Beppe? What? Not Beppe. What? Beppe. Beppe.

Scosus. Beppe. Beppe. Do you want to be an interval? Yeah. Shall we have a little tiny break? It's so fucking hot in here, bruv. Here's some bellends that give us money to talk about them.

What's happening, guys? It's sponsor time, as always. And this week, it's parcelstation.co.uk. If you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your customers, you might be able to save a little bit of money on your parcel costs via parcelstation.co.uk. They're a parcel management company, and they work with some of the biggest e-commerce

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You ready? What is your pronoun? Final section. I am Zem and Zay. Hey. Genuine. Hey. Hey.

Oh. Don't pick this to clip. All right. Listen. I was just fucking around. Yeah. So. Yeah.

I've been on TikTok a lot. Right. Great app. Every now and then amazing app tiktok i'll click on someone's profile right right and it'll be like you know they make funny videos or maybe they make sexy dancers 14 follow because i got a pretty face man base and a big man with the whole pronoun thing right I'm sort of like I don't care enough

to argue about it with anyone if someone goes will you call me they and them sure absolutely yeah fine this girl

has got her pronouns in her bio which a lot of people are doing now yeah yeah right you could do it on Instagram I say girl

I'm not sure them it said my pronouns are she slash them yeah no you're fucking with

the English language you know and that's kind of bad but you can't no it's she and her

you can have they and them but that that you can't mix it's not that's like having coke and diet coke

in the same glass awful you can't it's not a fucking boots three for two deal where you can just pick whichever ones you want like he works for tiktok so he's saying fuck all no no i i i think i get when people say that at times they feel like a woman and at times they don't know what they feel like or whatever and so they'll they want to be referred to as different

pronouns at different points depending on how they're feeling. That's not that though. I understand that, but where it's just like... Because that would be sometimes I'm she, sometimes I'm they. When I'm she, I'm here. When I'm they, I'm them. She's saying she's always she and them. Yeah, that's confusing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pronouns pick and mix, isn't it? That's not on. Pronouns pick and mix. That's not good. That'd be a good sketch um shall we do some questions this is from dan johnson go to imagine this you're you're on one of your tour shows and sat front and center is wait wait wait imagine you're on a tour show

just imagine that in stoke what's happening white people is the chicken halal imagine um imagine this you're on one of your tour shows how did i not mention this before sorry last time i went on holiday right not last time, when I went on holiday in Tenerife, right, at breakfast, they had a thing called halal bacon. It was turkey. It was turkey.

Yeah. It was turkey. Yeah. Halal bacon. Didn't call it turkey bacon. Halal bacon, not meat. Where were you on holiday?

Tenerife? All right. That's very forward thinking of Tenerife. It is to be fair, do you know what I mean? it's the george and a dragon we do hell i'll bake things have fucking changed don't get me going on pronouns though um imagine this hey hang on imagine this imagine this you're on a tour show. Anyone?

Good. I'd be mad that way. Imagine. Imagine. Tenerife, you're on a tour show in Tenerife. Go fuck yourself. Tenerife Comedy Festival. I'm not having it.

And front and centre is who? If you could have anyone in the world come see your tour show and sit in the front row, who would it be and why? Chris Settler-Presley. Also, side note, if this is someone that would fuck up your performance, would it make you nervous? For me, if Steven Gerrard was sat there, I'm not going to be able to breathe properly.

Nice one, Dan Jay. So, any footballer that was famous that you really liked when you were a kid? Basically, I don't get starstruck by anybody, but old footballers when I was younger. Not the ones now, whatever, but when you were young. It's hard to get too giddy about men that are younger than you. Pull that off. Oh, Jadon Sancho.

Why is everyone ignoring what Adam said? Priscilla Prigg. Because he's being a silly person i'm not what dad's the fucking king right i probably she's like a dad she's like a 60 year old woman she looks like she looks like sherry blair that's her ex-husband she looks like my dad priscilla's ex-husband oh what's his daughter's name um priscilla's ex-husband Oh what's her Daughter's name Um Priscilla's ex-husband Right Stacey

Ex-husband Yeah Elvis Stephen Stephen It's not Stephen It's Stephen Presley Elvis' daughter

Is Oh shit Lisa Marie Yeah the one who married Michael Jackson Yeah That'd be fucking great To have her in

That's Elvis And she shagged Michael Jackson What about Stephen McManaman If he was in the front row I'd fucking Fucking hate him He's a cop He'd be What about Steve McManaman if he was in the front row? I fucking hate him.

How is it? He's a cop. He'd be an awful. Jason McAteer. He's always in the airs. Do you know what? Steve McManaman, and we don't do much fussy chat on this for very deliberate reasons. Steve McManaman, whenever he's commentating on a match, sounds like he hates football.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. The thing with Liverpool is, they're not even kicking it hard enough. They're just not. They're passing it to each other, but it's not hard enough. And I don't like how they're passing it.

And his boots aren't fucking very nice. And he's playing shite. And oh, they've scored 6-0 now, but they're still shit. He's a dickhead. It does me a head in. Him, his. Steve McManaman I once had

it's so funny because I haven't thought about this for fucking ages and then you said footballers from the past I had Kevin Kilban and Shea Given

in the front row of a corporate like a round table you know who got me this gig and he's done it a few times

was it the Irish national team? It was Justin Morehouse. There's obviously like, he's the king of Northern corporates. If you want a large Northern man to shout about the Scottish at your corporate event, Justin Morehouse is the guy

that everyone rings. And then they go, maybe get another one on, Justin. I mean, we'll pay him one quarter of what you're paying him, but it'll still be four times what he's getting anywhere else that weekend.

So I've been one of the acts that he's brought along and they didn't go well. It was worse that Kevin Kilban and Shea Gibbon were in the front row. If it'd just been a sea of faces, like a sea of dads.

People you don't know. People you don't know. Yeah, these don't like me. Do you know who disliked me even more? Kevin Kilban's wife really didn't like me. She's notoriously a bit of a bitch. Yeah, she can be.

Are you actually saying that or is that just- No! No. You know it is, yeah? You can't tell sometimes about him. He's like, no, no, I've gigged with her. Okay, cool, yeah. Here she is.

Do you remember the face? She fucking- Oh, Laura Kilburn. Do you know who I wouldn't mind gigging in front of and just absolutely fucking smashing it? Rory DeLapp. Fucking hated him when he was a player.

Literally only doing 90s to early noughties footballers. He was an awful oldies member. Hell of a throw-in. Yeah, hell of a, like, great throw-ins, but fucking hated him. One of my favourite moments. When he followed something at the stage,

he really came. Well, one of my favourite moments in Premier League history was when he was playing for Stoke and Stoke's biggest weapon was a throw-in

near the box. Yeah, yeah. And the goalkeeper deliberately kicked it out for a corner rather than concede a throw-in. Do you remember that? I remember that.

He's like, you know when the keeper rushes sort of out to the left or the right of his box? Yeah, yeah. Because they're like trying to stop it, go for a goal kick. He did that, then was getting pressed by Stoke and he was like, not getting another throwing.

Fuck, kick them behind his own goal, give them a corner. If you don't follow football, this guy that played for Stoke worked out how to throw a ball in literally twice as hard as anyone in Premier League history. And it was a menace, wasn't it?

Read that DM. When I sat opposite you in the crowd at Liverpool, you did smell sensual. So just whoever that is, I don't want that in the front row next time. When I sat directly opposite you in the front row in Liverpool, you definitely had a sensual smell.

Someone said you've got a sensual smell. Yeah. I think you just wanted to let everyone know you smell nice, Dirk. No, no, no. Hang on. No, you definitely don't want someone visibly sniffing you from the front row.

But that's what I'm saying, bro. That's mental. Isn't that actually opposite the other end of the fucking stadium? Stadium? Did you say at the Liverpool match? No, it was a Liverpool game. He was on stage.

Oh, he's a comedian. Sorry. He's on stage sometimes. Did you think someone was sniffing him from the centenary stand? It's him. Fucking moron. The nose of a Rottweiler, like. I think the only things that had sort of fucked you up on the front row

are, like you say, a footballer or a comedian that you put in sort of the goat status. Oh, my God, Chris Rock or Chappelle. Then they're not bothered. You almost had him. How distracted would you be if Bill Burr was just like, eh, checking his phone? I know he wouldn't. Dude, dude, what are you doing?

You think that's comedy? Oh, that'd be so bad. Or an amazingly attractive woman. Like- No, I'd be trying to smash it so hard. Like Elvis Presley, Stephen King, Lisa Marie, Stephen Presley, Laura Ashley, what? I've asked for girls' numbers while I've been on stage.

Oh, come on, you dirtbag. I have. Has it worked? Yes. Yeah. K is going to K. Very well. K is going to K. Yeah.

Player's going to play. K is going to K. Jeez. I mean, that sort of sounds more racist. There was another K involved in there. I went from the left pretty quickly. How have you asked for a girl? Come on. I mean, joshing around,oshing around are you no i've been genuine like uh it will be smaller gigs though and it was just like you're talking

around and it's like so like uh she'll be laughing or whatever and you're like raw like put your number in yeah it's a bit though it's a bit yeah it's like yeah and then but like you do it to someone that's actually proper nice yeah sometimes they'll say no and then afterwards they'll be like oh i feel bad here's my number how devastating would you be if she put a number and you're like i'm gonna text there but then you went to whatsapp her and it was just someone else in the picture no i mean like like it is where it is in it sometimes it's just a bit like dan said but like it's when it pays off it pays i'd love to try it just like you do it if i just did that what voice you do shut up i'm in south london i'm doing an

urban gig that's an away leg uh but you're right it was right it was more of a bit but then like yeah it can be fun yeah it's like with it's like the young comics single comics who accidentally very on purpose have got a bit about they're not good with the ladies i'm not even that good at the sex i'm single i'm i'm trying to find love which is basically a little advert for please you're sort of the opposite of that yeah because you're for as long as i've known you you've sort of been perennially single but by by choice. And you're sort of like on stage like, yeah. Fuck you in the fucking pussy, though. No, no, I don't say that.

I've never said that. There's nothing in my- It's a good line, man. Do you open with that? Is that? There's nothing in my set like that. Get out now, go on. That's a good line.

Oh, you smell sensual. Rah! Rah, I think, Joe, I can smell you from the away bit. In fact, you probably picked up- You got fumes coming off your pom-poms. It smells sensual. In fact, you've probably done more at Comedy Club than I have.

Really? Yeah. Nah. With the staff at Comedy Club. Nah, you're a dead bug. You're a dead bug. You're a dead bug. Don't try and throw me under the bus. I'll throw you right back.

This turned into a bus station real quick. Feel. In you go, kid. You've definitely played with the audience more than me. Nah. You are. See, there's a class of comic. There's people that got girls before comedy.

There's those comics and there's those that didn't. There's people that got girls before comedy. There's those comics, and there's those that didn't. Which are you in? Probably the former. You got girls before comedy? Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't need comedy to be like, hey, there's something interesting about me. And I didn't need to... You know those guys that are...

I didn't need it, but it helped. Yeah, well, I mean, like, the blue tick helps. Do you know what I mean? Do you know those comics that used to do this shit, where they'd be like and i live with my i live with two flatmates which i like to call mom and dad this shit that you're doing like how does that add to the joke in my head it was brennan in my head that was brennan that That literally looked like Brennan for a sec.

Oh, got to tell you something. Brennan Rees has told and convinced Freddie Quinn that Brennan is going on Love Island next week. Oh my God. And he said to Freddie. Oh, those TikToks of Freddie watching Love Island

are going to be fucking amazing. He said to Freddie, don't tell anyone. Right? But then I didn't know he'd said to Freddie, don't tell anyone right but then i didn't know he'd said to freddie don't tell anyone freddie last night messaged me and went guess who's going on love island next week freddie's such a gossiping bitch it's one of your mates have a guess who it is so i just screenshot it immediately and said it's adam staunton yeah so freddie's 100 convinced oh that's amazing alex Boardman do you know what there's very

Alex going online fucking hell shit this I'd fucking love a smash of you two the funniest moment can I double this with Lee

the funniest moment was when I was in a hot water and Alex was there and he was all like Prince Abdi is Stormzy's cousin and I was like

he's not Stormzy's cousin he's like no honest that's what Prince Abdi told me and I'm like Prince Abdi's a Stormzy's cousin. And I was like, he's not Stormzy's cousin. He's like, no, honest, that's what Prince Abdi told me. And I'm like, Prince Abdi's having you on there. I wish I was one of the comics that someone could make a lie up about me as you're going on Love Island.

Like that, that's how you know Brennan is the weakest link. No. What a fucking gossip. I'd see you on The Chase. Do you know who's going to be on The Chase? Ante Trojan.

Your first birthday present. There was a comedian on the Blackstone, Axl, and one day I saw him on Homes Under the Hammer. It was literally just there. I was like, fuck, that's Axl. He's doing it on Homes Under the Hammer. And that's sort of like, imagine the reaction I'd have with you. Like, it'd be like, oh shit, he's on Flog It.

Here's this roadcaster pro from 2019 yeah yeah we've got 47 of the cunts we need one i was genuinely thinking about going on the antique roadshow a few years ago because i've got nine super rare pokemon cards yeah still yeah the ones um they're called like the neo collection send them to gary V a few hundred quid each and who do you think on the Antiques Roadshow would be the expert that was involved in Pokemon cards not the Antiques Roadshow

sorry Dickinson's Real Deal that's where I was to go I'll give you 25 grand I always get him mixed up with that other guy Engelbert Humperdinck yeah

you know I get him mixed up with feel the fate do you know who I genuinely got him mixed up with once Rigoberbert Song. They look nothing alike. Yeah, they played for Liverpool

at completely different fucking eras. He was a great holding midfielder. The amount of niche in that story is unbelievable. Yeah, so people are watching and they say, who the fuck's Rigorbert Song? Not with that accent, they're not. If they're from Wooden Is, maybe. Played next to Steven Gerrard.

Rigor Bear Song and Engle Bear Humperdinck. It's the bear. Bears, bears, bears. Engle Bears. So what was the question again? Engle Bear Humperdinck's a singer. It don't matter. Next one.

Engle Bear Humperdinck's a singer. Song. Do you want to do some have a words yeah some have a words that's what we named the podcast for okay

people racing and they want us to have a word with the mates on there we are you get it that's the thing that's the title feature Roger

don't do that have a words Jack Tanny says Lids can you have a word with my missus She isn't happy about me Watching porn And gets jealous

At even the mention of it She basically thinks of it As cheating And it's fucking not What I get up to While she's out Is nothing to do with her She's actually sound

And I love her and all that But this is starting To cause issues Have a word She is I think it's more Anti-porn I think it's more like

Cheating if he uses His memory Because at least That's women he's being with Yeah I think it's more anti-porn I think it's more like cheating if he uses his memory because at least that's women he's being with yeah it's more cheating to wank over your ex than over porn

but also like if he doesn't watch like him watching porn is a bit harmless isn't it because it's either that or he goes out and actually does it

I don't think they're the only two options no but like do you know what I mean he's like he's trying to suppress He's You know

He wants The fact that he wants to go out there And sleep with different people So what about the argument It's VR for him innit But what about the argument that If you go too far down these rabbit holes And I might

Might be speaking From experience Yeah Hypothetically You go down this thing of like Oh it's just a fantasy just into it online but then you know you're up the ante every time and you're more detached from the reality of like sex when you're missus i can almost some days i finish cracking

one out and i'm like how did we come this far down this road like and i look back yeah like i just saw this thing can i just was a plumber and i and i i can almost see although i'm i'm dead against girls who are like you can't do this you're like you're it's like the thought police but i oh i can see how there might be a little bit of like if you go too far down the online porn it's like too much of everything is a bad thing i think porn in general can be quite damaging. But is he watching it like every fucking minute of the day? I think he should just be watching porn that is more boring than the sexy ass with his missus.

Oh. That's a great idea. My God. What is the point of porn? VHS porn. VHS porn. So that he still wants to have sex with his missus? So he needs to sit down with her and give her a form

and get her to write down everything she's willing to do and then only watch stuff that's more vanilla than that. So if she'll take it in the arse, just go one lower than that. What about porn stars that are only older than his missus? Right. That's pretty niche, though. He might be into that. Pretty niche.

I reckon if you're going vanilla, it's got to be, what's the standard, like 25 years old, right down the middle. That's what I'm saying, VHS, isn't it? All the old VHS ones that they've turned into.

My mate, my best mate, and I won't name him because he gets touchy about stuff, but he, we describe what, you know when you're just,

you're chatting about porn with your mates and I was like, oh, I'm really getting into whatever and he was like, oh, I was like,

you could see, he was visibly like, whoa. I was like, what are you into? and he was like oh i was like you could see he was visiting me like whoa i was like what are you into and he's like you know when like a guy and a girl are naked and have sex i was like okay you're fucking crazy he just he just liked standard normal straight down the fucking line bonking yeah nothing else. That's wild, yeah. I think I'm onto something. I think he should find the porn star that looks the most like his wife but a bit uglier

and then watch her just have like missionary sex with a man who looks a bit sad and then every time he gets to fuck her it'll be like fucking Christmas. Sad porn. But hold on

or maybe or maybe just This isn't love. Or maybe, or maybe just... This isn't love. Or maybe just watch it while your wife's out and say you've stopped. Just lie. Lie. Yeah.

Just lie. Just lie. Jack, she sounds like a future fucking menace. Doesn't she? Like, we can talk about the ins and outs of, like, her being no no no but hold on where is he

watching porn where is he watching porn that she knows about it it says oh hang on he's got a projector

in the back garden it's going right onto the wall it's yeah it's I watch it against the side of her face when she's

waking up in the morning that's the issue I watch it at her mum and dad's anniversary dinner oh yeah

that will some girlfriends are weird about that can't believe you missed that first time you went to Maine I watch Tranny Palmer

and I'm like so yeah when she's out but she's she's being fucking controlling you don't want to go why are you admitting

that you watch it in the first place right so you're just saying lie just lie lie for your teeth lie lie is this the camera you're lying bro private window bro incognito tab just say yeah stop doing that babes yeah do your thing i love you

yeah the incognito tab i i do think lying does solve most relationship problems. Yeah? Yeah. Just don't be whacking it off. Just shaggy. This is a public episode. Didn't do it. This is a public episode. She doesn't watch it. All right, great.

I didn't do it. Also, how many minutes is this in? I love that shaggy song. I didn't do it. Didn't do it. Found your comrade on the couch. I didn't do it. So one of my- Johnny of my johnny awesome so basically

basically a guy that i know he's a pt uh should i say his name no his name makes it funnier say it helen rogers i swear to you i'll show you instagram later yeah so he was uh yeah you could bleep it though for the uh people but like you're doing a lot of bleeping on haze command don't worry about it do you know what it was yeah he so he got on to like tinder and whatever and he's in a he's a married in a relationship or whatever yeah his wife finds out about it because his wife's friend is single and is on tinder and like lives in their area like how he thought he wouldn't get caught is fucking beyond me right this man looks straight

into his wife's face and goes it's not me like the pictures that he's like it's not me and he's going it's not but these are photos that are only in your phone and he's like it's not me and he got out of it yeah do you know i wonder how much that works we basically had one of our favorite guests she's not been on for ages steph johnson tell a incredibly sordid tale about a guy who got caught red fucking handed and his missus reacted in a similar way.

It just went, oh, he said he didn't. He definitely did. There's proof. Derren Brown could do that fucking boss, couldn't he? He could smash that. But imagine that just going,

straight into, straight into, it wasn't me. It's Frank Bruno. It's not me. I know those are like my pictures. It's not me. I know those are like my pictures. It's not me. Yeah.

It's, it's tragic that there are women who are like, he said it four times. I don't think anyone would lie to my face four times. Yeah. Go on your phone and let me search your apps. Tinder. There it is.

It is you. Like it's so easy. Let me search. That has actually been melted down accidentally. I think he had Android though. So it's bare hard to find out how has actually been melted down accidentally i think he had android though so it's bare hard to find out how to do that right have you ever i'd like the other day i tried to get an audience member's phone off of them in a crowd and i was like fucking hell i actually use this shit can't get into samsung yeah it was like three buttons

at the bottom i honestly think the phone is a big giveaway if you've got a burner phone you're up to fucking something you're selling weed or fucking a neighbour no 100% but I just generally think like I mean no disrespect to you but like

anybody with an Android phone I always think like you got into some dark shit there is a comic that we all know everyone sat in this room right now knows this comic

and he's an absolute menace for being a cheating little scourag he's got an Android innit what? he's got an menace for being a cheating little skull rag. He's got an Android, isn't he? What? He's got an Android phone, isn't he? I'm not sure, but he has got two phones.

And one of them, one of them, All the skullduggery is done on the Android. A hundred percent. One of them is his work phone. And in the work phone, every girl in it

is saved under a comic's name. And that girl is from wherever the comic's from. So you'll be in his phone. Oh, there is some peng girl with Adam Rowe right now

in his phone. He will have Dan Nightingale saved and it's a girl from like Preston. Yeah. Adam Rowe, girl from Liverpool.

I've seen it. Who is this? Dick gets excited when he sees Mike Bubbins. Oh, that bird in Cardiff. That's fucking it. That is so much. Oh, that bird in Cardiff. That's fucking... That is so much... Oh, Prince Abdi.

So much better. Horrible. There's a lane on TikTok at the moment of people showing videos of like a partner with the phone and they're like, babe, why is Pizza Hut ringing? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why is Pizza Hut video calling you? They answer it, it's some like bird.

Hello? Yeah. It's horrible. They're never going to be honest. They're like, oh my God, Mike Burbidge is video calling. He's like, look, this is just who I am. I know it's not necessarily traditionally acceptable. And I know that a lot of people think it's wrong.

And I was like, but what if you found out she kissed one man once? And he's like, be over. Imagine if he's sleeping with them, but he's also thinking about the comic and he's like be over imagine imagine if he's sleeping with them but he's also thinking about the comic that he's named uh so he's with the girl from preston and he's thinking about dan his clothes are oh i just you can be the absolute funny rat of the century you're not allowed to do that and then just ruin someone's life at home are you and i know there's like i know i've been a i was i've been a dirt bag when i was younger but i wasn't in a marriage or a like i didn't have kids or a fucking house with someone never cheated you haven't no i've never yeah yeah i was a i can't hold that i definitely

cheated when i was young yeah young Yeah But to be going To literally have a fucking A to Z With places that you can get banged That's mad While you've got a family That's horrible One of my friends

No it was not my friend It was a friend of a friend He Basically he would cheat And whatever On his girlfriend And then one day His girlfriend like

Was texting somebody else And he's like What did I do to deserve this blood you've been cheating on her every weekend what did i do to deserve this blood i think comics comics when they're like staying, I just think maybe it's different now. Saddest. Social media, everyone's got Wi-Fi, everyone's got 4G at minimum.

Now it's difficult to have an affair. But back in the day, especially when you were at a gig and there was a shared flat, and it was like, oh, this is so much better when we're in a premiere in and I don't have to see these skanks that are being brought back. Especially if you had the stage name,

because then they couldn't even find you in the phone book. Oh, yeah. If the taxman can't catch you cheating, your missus hasn't got any chance. I stayed at the Hyena flat in Newcastle, and a well-known black headliner from the circuit was... Wait, wait, wait. Who travels that far and is black?

There's like three comics. Right. The Black Jordies. There's only about three comics that travel further than Manchester. Right. Well, this was one of them. And oh my days. On the Friday and the Saturday night,

the fucking women that got brought back post gig they'd not been for drinks I thought you were going to say they'd not been fed they'd not been clothed honestly the level he brought tramps in it was a booty call

there was like a stag of big issues somewhere a booty call so bad that you'd expect her to be a Klaxons fan with one tit down here like oh slad I've lost me fucking purse absolutely skanky but if he's not married fair play if you're not married do what you like

but he's married and he's doing that no he wasn't he's just shagging about the porn thing just tell her to shut up get over there just lie and that's how relationships work just go shut up

and then she will she'll just or hold on left field make your own porn right nice

that's a fucking great idea if I can't watch it suck my dick and let me film it there is nothing I would like to see

less than my form from that angle all right we are you know when you take a selfie you're gonna have to redo that we'd end up filming 19 do you know what i'm just imagining yeah like and i'm sorry like i'm imagining you naked but just with the hat still on oh yeah it's like when joel domic got caught wanking on camera and he still had the beanie on he was like completely naked and he still had the literally i'd rather watch joel domic wanking than see me shagging you'd be happy though would you what would you film yourself would you film it has to be pav I think I'd have to put like a GoPro on.

Wait, wait, wait. There's like a cool sheet for you. You go mountain biking or shagging? With a torch. He's treating it like a proper shoot. Studio lighting. I'm going fucking potholing. In Croatia.

With a helmet, with a GoPro. would you have the head one or the chest one or would you have a bollock cam I think I'd have one on me head one on each arm shut up a GoPro on your bollocks can't have a GoPro

slapping off her fucking arse just hearing just repeatedly zooming in asking for a bum hole fucking hell someone's headbutt in a starfish

you just hear zh zh you know what he's doing in a French guy in the corner filming right I know we've been recording a long time because my ears are hurting

is that a fair one more one more that's what you say every time it's a bit one more go on I'm not here One more. One more. One more. I don't, that's what you say every time. One more. It's a bit. One more.

Go on, I'm not here every day. Yeah. Do one more. Do one more. Hi Liz, can you please have a word with my wife Louise? We're both avid listeners

and watchers. £10 Patreons. You got me. Hang on, £10 each or are they a £10 Patreon and you shared it? Probably £10 as a household isn't it? household yeah i think you're allowed to be a 10

pound household aren't you yeah there you go well well done you got me through the the wank lockdown so cheers right she's developed a stupid fucking obsession with house plants these fucking things are turning up all over the house and it's actually got to the point where i get in the shower and there's three fucking plants in there because apparently it's good for them the kids are now shouting at me regularly dad can you come up and move the plants out of the bath one's recently cropped up at the side of my bed in the kids room as apparently it's good for air quality which is bollocks i think it's a fucking plant can you have a word with her as the house is slowly starting to look like a shit version of jumanji i've told her if any more plants appear i'll probably end up sticking her under the patio

with some nice potted plants on it for decoration. Wow, I hadn't read that bit. And that was a murder threat out of nowhere. So can I just tell you before I read that? A Brookside murder threat? Before I end the email, Jamie D. Fucking hell, that's a reference. When I do the prep, I'm like, oh, that's about shagging.

That's a shaggy one. And in my head, I was like, oh, this is a bit more lighthearted. Oh, no, he's threatened to kill her. Is that from Jimmy Corkill? If your missus has any other stupid quirks let me know and assure me i'm not alone best regards jay you can't you can't threaten to murder your wife and then go if your missus has any weird quirks let me know and i'll be around to help you always puts the towel on the fucking floor and that's why i broke but hold on he's just mad that like his house she, she's trying to make the house nice. Well,

I don't, that's subjective, isn't it? Because loads of houseplants is not necessarily making the house nice. Well, there was a line in there,

there was a line in there where it goes, it's good for the air quality, which I think is bollocks. I mean, scientifically. Really? It is good for the air quality.

How much CO2 is a small yucca dealing with? You know, like, I don't know however many plants there is there's going to be a lot more oxygen

in that room so that's just scientific the more the merrier like if anything yeah go and sleep in the greenhouse then greenhouses have a funny

I can't I literally can't this is the opposite I can't get my wife to pick a bit of artwork I bitched about that a year ago on the pod. There is still no pictures or artwork up on the wall

because she's got this thing where she's like, I won't like it, so I'll go off it. So we'll not do it. So it looks like we moved in three weeks ago. No wedding photos. No wedding photos. They've not been framed. They've not been printed.

There's no artwork. You must be the only person I know that's married. I got one fucking plant in the house, and I chose it And I'm not even asked About houseplants Me and Sam Are about to put a picture

Of us up After six months It was drawn by an Albanian Man in Leicester Square It was actually 26 Wednesdays It was a really big anniversary That's a bit

No but that's What a picture A framed picture You know the Albanian Man in Leicester Square Who draws you The caricatures Oh yeah

The Albanian Man in Leicester Square He draws you the caricatures? Oh, yeah. The Albanian man in Leicester Square. He was Albanian? Yeah. He was a Liverpool fan as well? Of course he was. He was? How did he talk?

Here we go. Do you like a picture? That nailed it. Yes. Now, if he was from the Czech Republic. Do you like the pictures? Oh, different. Yeah.

Slovenia. Czech. Romania. Wow. I could not. That's an accordion. I couldn't not do that. I was a crying orphan.

Wow. Hey, you know why that was all right? Do you know why? Because in our head, they're all white. Do you know why that was funny, right? Because they always used to get on the tube playing that. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's a fella in town.

He's dead sound. Accordion Allen. Yeah. Accordion Allen. Accordion Allen. He's called Accordion Allen? He is now, yeah. Is he Romanian? have you not only got

near cancellation once this is brilliant i'm trying to end the show on houseplants and we managed to make that we managed to make the most innocuous fucking

oh she's fucking buying too many plants lads yeah well what about albania let me do my impressions i didn't ask to do any impressions. You kept naming countries.

He's a Liverpool fan. He said, I've been a Liverpool fan since four years old. Did you ask him about plants in Bucharest? No. Is that in Albania? Bucharest is Romania's capital. Yeah, he was from Albania. He's never fucking seen

the fucking grass, mate. I fucked it up. You got your wrong-ania. I've often got the wrong-ania. It's great. It's great being able to call you racist. It's been fucking great fun.

Jesus Christ, they're all the same, are they, Kay? Christ. My apologies. I differentiated their artwork, you know. Can you do your accordion again? It was.

Was that sound? What song would you be singing? What song would you be doing on the accordion if you could play it? Return of the man. Yes, I do, do, do. I don't know where he came from. Huh? How about her?

He didn't know that Mark Morrison was black when he was growing up. Did you know he was English? No. He thought he was white. He thought he was a white guy. He looked like Ricky Martin. A return of the man.

Do you know what though, Mark Morrison, you do think the guy's got like a mohawk and he's white. Mark Morrison. And he said, and I do, do, do. And I do, do, do. Cool. Plants. Houseplants.

Yeah. Just kill her. Yeah. Just kill her yeah just kill her that'll solve it tell the porn girl to shut up and kill the plant girl

no no don't kill the but I think I think he's being a bit of a I think he's he's being a bit uncultured

apparently houseplants is massive with students at the moment there's loads of houseplants like it's a big thing bro keep a houseplant alive you try to keep a houseplant alive you try keep a house plant like they're

harder than fucking kids bruv yeah yeah harder than kids they're harder than kids bro they are harder than kids yeah the amount of times i've been up all night with my house plants no i just can't put it down i know she's not you've only got the one the kids are hungry never mind that this house bun's fucking yeah now try and keep your house plants alive you see how hard it is man that woman's a fucking trooper i think you've been very understanding can we call that a pod one more no he's like well i don't even want it because we ripped each other on the patreon and i'm gonna do exactly what adam ripped me i was like no no more my laptop fuck you i've got fucking sweaty breasts and i want to go home

uh uh right patreon.com slash have a way pod you get an extra episode every week you get early access to these public ones done all for lockdown lock-ins the ghost stunt there's a rap battle event coming there's the ghost on to my quiz the what oh we're gonna do your quiz live in a pub

aren't we we are are we gonna get the pov of adam's porn video as well yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah if you look hard enough lad that's for the nine month anniversary the starfish

special where can we find you k uh just on every social media platform. It's K-A-E-K-U-R-D. What a fucking pleasure this one's been. Thanks for having me, guys. Ta-ra, guys. Go out. you you you