Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #130 with Simon Brodkin - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: July 26, 2021

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shares your capital is at risk don't invest anything you can't afford to lose be safe don't be a fucking dickhead now let's get back to the pod it's time for Have a Word with Eshan and Dan Because Adam Rowey's dead Fucking, this one's for you Rowey Bags Adam, hope you're alright mate The last thing I said to him The last thing I said after Monday's Patreon record was I prefer Eshan to you I prefer Asian Bengali podcast host i've done 400 hours and i need a

different hairy man to fucking stare at long you need a bit of color on this side of the fucking camera i was a late fitness test as well yeah i've done four tests by the way five tests you're really do you want to clarify the tests because four lateral flow negative one pcr negative one hiv and one driving yeah i've done everything and i am negative oh you strike me as someone who doesn't have much of a gag reflex is that is that true i'm the opposite i even said to the fella yesterday which fella the pcr like the inner test center i was like i've got a terrible gag reflex he's like all right and he's like yeah I see it all the time I was like

I mean who doesn't want to do a gay joke now I'm literally in the head going oh just put the tip in you're really worried that people are going to be up in arms

that yeah like well Adam's got rona I almost have it you sound nasally yeah me hay fever is booting me head in

right also Steve is negative and Steve has been with us all week so Steve's a fucking rock Steve mate he's been around

eight minutes and he's honestly close to MVP of this whole fucking deal all the comments who the fuck is Steve yeah this is Steve

Steve well Steve saved the day up until ten past two this afternoon I thought it was me and Ishan with no production team never been so happy to see old fucking antihistamine walking

with steve the rock it doesn't matter um isn't it amazing how you lot and by you lot i obviously mean white people right how disgraceful right but isn't it amazing how you're allergic to plants and the sun and you ruled over half the world where there's lots of plants and lots of sun you guys would never have been able to be colonialists even a white person thing well i've got it now i've integrated but yeah it's fucking really although this year i don't have it as much okay but i i do get it if this sounds so there's no way of making this sound not dodgy but if your bloodline ancestry yeah had stayed in bangladesh yeah you now ishan akbar yeah i mean that wouldn't have changed would it no you'd still be called ishan Probably yeah You wouldn't have hay fever No

It just doesn't exist Can you imagine having hay fever In the Amazon rainforest That'd be a fucking If you were an Amazonian That'd be a nightmare And you'd be like Sneezing non-stop

Sneeze right into a fucking Poisonous frog Why Hang on But Bangladesh doesn't have Has the world's largest Mangrove forest actually

Does it Yeah Does it The world's largest Mangrove forest What I don't know what A mangrove forest is Is that what a mangrove is actually does it yeah does it the world's largest mangrove forest what i don't know what a mangrove forest is a mangrove is let me show you is this another gay joke what you're a mangrove have you got a gag reflex you don't know what a mangrove is wow i'll take my gag reflex

into your mangrove it's like is it like water forest kind of place? You sounded thick. You got it right, but you sounded thick. I'm right, though, aren't I? It's a forest in the water. It's a water forest. I didn't say it like that. Honestly, your allergies are making you sound racist. No, I'm not a forest. I cannot eat.

I've got a curse. It's also got the world's longest seafront. Oh, my goodness. Really? Non-stop? Yeah, non-stop. Cafes? Well, let's also got the world's longest seafront. Oh my goodness, really? Yeah. Non-stop? Why? Yeah,

non-stop. Why? Cafes? Well, let's take a walk there one day. Do you have ice cream vans? Huh?

Do you have ice cream vans in Bangladesh? Yeah, they have ice cream rickshaws. Why do they do? It's a guy in a rickshaw No, they don't.

Fuck off. Oh, they actually do. They actually do. So, it's like, a guy in a rickshaw has got a freezer at the back. Does he have Ah, fuck off. Oh, they actually do. They actually do. So it's like a guy in a rickshaw. Yeah.

It's got a freezer at the back. Does he have a, does he have a, does he have a what? Does he have a song? He sings it. That's music. He sings a song about ice cream. Please sing the song. Please, he should do us an ice cream. Please do us an ice cream

Please Ice cream It's tonnier than if I'd have come up Ice cream Ice cream Ice cream And then there's another Rickshaw coming up Hey fuck you

My ice cream round here then there's another rickshaw coming up. Hey, fuck you. My ice cream round here. Fuck you, bloody. Fuck you. What is your name? Fuck you, Johnny. Is that true? Yeah. So is it just a big freezer?

Yes, a big freezer on the back of a rickshaw. It sounds ridiculous when you say it, but it's true. A big freezer on the back of a rickshaw. Wow. Can you get twisters no but you can get feasts oh

international mint feast is fire I haven't had a feast since the 80s oh what a skinhead you can get

and wagon wheels same shit but different you know what I mean wagon wheels are shit the jam one's the best one though yeah but that sort of shit that I ate loads of in the 80s. Gold bars.

And they got to 90s, I'm done with them. Go on, sorry. They do Feast. Calippo. Oh, yeah. International rules, Calippo. Every holiday I've been on, I've had a Calippo. You know the, oh, it crushed ice, but then you just put some syrup on it.

Yeah. That's a pretty mannequin, that, isn't it? Like a slush puppy. Like a slush puppy, basically, yeah. Oh, God, I, but then you just put some syrup on it. Yeah. Very manic, isn't it? Like a slush puppy. Like a slush puppy, basically, yeah. Oh, God, I love slush puppies. Nothing creamy is quite hot and humid there, so they don't do any other than feast, but it's not that creamy.

Oh, I'll tell you who's got that sorted. The Twister. I could have said the Twister. Oh, sorry. Sorry, I missed it. I was literally on a... Ice cream! Ice cream! It's worse when I do it, isn't it?

Yeah Worse when I do it Because you're putting a voice on Also, because it's Mine is just my voice So, he's putting a voice on That is true When he did the ice cream rickshaw

He didn't do it as Ishan Akbar, did he? When you speak to your parents Do you switch to that accent? This is a good question Yes, I switch to My parents speak English. I'm sorry. I mean, family who are Bangladeshi.

Yes, I'm joking. Trying to dodge the bullets. Yeah, you're bulletproof. We're like, fucking. So yeah, when I speak to, it was the thing I told you on the lock-in, that some English words, we put an accent on to make it sound legit.

Table. Table. Champion League. Champion League table. Group B table. It's not Rafa Benitez. Donny Kebab. Oh, he said Donny Kebab, didn't he?

Don Kebab. Don Kebab. Don Kebab. I honestly, when you see those clips, so Rafa Benitez is the new much-loved manager of Everton Football Club in the Merseyside area, and he picked them because of their prowess and history, and also it's about 25 minutes from his house,

and that's how Rafa chooses jobs now on the commute. And it's gone down like a sack of shit with a big part of the Everton fan base. Carl is a bit more pragmatic about it first press conference and in the

what is it about 15 years since Rafa started at Liverpool maybe 15 16 years only won Champions League

there what 16 years ago so about 2003 maybe he got the job probably about that yeah was he after Roy Evans or Gerard Hulier Gerard Hulier Gerard Julien.

Right. And in that time, he has not adapted to, I'm originally from Spain, but now I've lived here for a long time. No. It's like he's doing an impression of a borderline racist Spanish character. Yeah.

And he was explaining what he wanted from Everton and then at one point tried to say, don't give up. Don't give up. He sounds like the guy from Forty Towers. Don't give up don't give up he sounds like the guy from Forty Towers yeah Miguel

is it Miguel yeah there you go that's that racist Spanish character that I was talking about Manuel Manuel

Miguel Manuel who is played by it's all the same who plays him the guy that Russell Brand was mean to yeah that one

yeah and that's how we remember him now what a legacy in comedy yeah man Who plays him? The guy that Russell Brand was mean to. Yeah, that one. Yeah. And that's how we remember him now. What a legacy in comedy. Yeah, man. You got bullied by Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand about your granddaughter who likes the Duke. It wasn't even that bad. I know this has gone back.

It's not relevant at all to the situation. No, a lot of people were like, I know Adam's got their own, but don't talk about that. Talk about the Russell Brand, Jonathan Ross scandaloss from 12 years ago that seems important um i saw you get out of the taxi today never been so happy when adam got the old uh roans stop when never been so happy when adam got the old roads i got the fear because Because initially I was like, I wonder how he's going to take it. I thought his health anxiety might kick in.

But I honestly think scientifically he's leaning on the fact that he thinks Freddie Quinn is fat and Freddie Quinn beat COVID. So he's like, nah, I'm not arsed. Plus he's had a vaccine. He's 29. You know? Is he 29? I mean, anally, he's in terrible health.

Anal? Anal. IBS wise. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. you know i know he's i mean anally he's in terrible health like anal anal ibs wise oh yeah all right like he told me last night that he'd had four terrible squirty bum incidents that's normal yeah i'm like i don't think that's the rona mate i think that's the heat and your and your diet um and then i was like right well we needed this was 24 hours before we're recording and i it's also like well it might just be st on the production which is well it literally was until when the big college of us fins in real just getting over the rona adam's now out for 10 days and then you were testing um and i've never been so happy to to have you work things around and be able to do this with

us mate i delayed my trip back to London, more than happy to be here. Just like, I can't, I'm really happy that you gave me a ring. As soon as it went in the WhatsApp group, there was like a noticeable bit of relief. Oh, good. Ay, Shan's available.

That's very nice. Let's hope he talks about ice cream in Bangladesh. I've got the feast. I've got Kalipo. Is that a good accent? I don't have fab I don't have zoom What I love is This Bengali rickshaw ice cream van guy

Knows ice creams he doesn't have How does he know which ice cream is delicious? It's got the longest coast in the world That's true The longest beachfront There's a lot of tourists who are like oh I fucking know I'm on holiday.

I'm on a package holiday in Bangladesh. In terms of like culture wise is it the same as like a beach? What we know as a beach is it the same?

It's got sand it's got water. Okay there you go. I don't mean physically. It sounded like It did didn't it? And you're just like I don't want a fucking

Beach lock thing I know you do But you said It made sense Alright then There isn't birds Walking around The tits out is there

No But they're naked Under the Bikinis Wow That's not how Naked works is it I mean I'm naked

Under these clothes Yeah exactly No so They're probably A bit more modestly Dressed I'd suppose Right But there are I mean I'm naked under these clothes yeah exactly no so they're probably a bit more modestly dressed I'd suppose right but there are

it's a long seafront so there's a sexier bit where people might wear some bikinis some international people the Dutch the Dutch love

going to Bangladesh really? yeah the Dutch love it and the Dutch aren't a problem are they? they're very good travellers they're everywhere yeah because they've got

all the NGOs and charities and shit like that, so they turn up to the beach in their bikinis. Can we add Bangladesh to the Have a Word live show? Yes, please. Random as fuck tour. Donny Dome, absolute must. Real.

I want to play real. And now I want to play Bangladesh. Have a word. You can introduce us. Welcome to Habawad. When are you going to the beach? What day of the week? When's beach day?

Like obviously, you know, Saturday and Sunday. Well, no, the weekends there are Thursday, Friday. Thursday, Friday. Oh, sorry, Friday, Saturday. Friday, Saturday. Because Friday's the holiest of days. And then Saturday's the... Sunday.

Right. So it's Sunday, essentially Monday. Sunday and Monday, yeah. Right. A lot of calendars actually operate. So it's Sunday, essentially Monday. Sunday's Monday, yeah. Right. A lot of calendars actually operate in that model, that Sunday's a Monday. Yeah, I hate that. Sunday's the first day of the week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, but over there, so you get to Thursday night, and everyone's on the latch. On the old... Oh, yeah, yeah. Getting Islamically wankered. I got ding-a-ding-a-ding-a-ding.

I got jelly shots. I got... Vodka. i got jilly shots uh what um what was that i don't know okay it's definitely not allowed uh so thanks for standing in man i know a lot of the lids will be absolutely ecstatic that it's you it was an absolute pleasure and i actually had a really lovely journey in the taxi. The driver was one of the most fascinating people I've ever met. Yeah. Opened the taxi. He said, I'll come and sit at the front. We'll have a chat.

And I was like, well, that's not how COVID-19 works, is it? I mean, there was a partition, but I am interested. And then he said, don't worry, there's two seats at the front. You can sit at the one near the window. And I'm like, OK, cool. He's thought about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sat down.

And he was like, do you know what a mangrove is? And he had like quite nice olive skin and I thought he may be from a Middle Eastern or Asian part of the world. Oh, he's a good looking young man. Very good looking man. About 30 years old. Gave me a little smile as he drove off.

Yeah, name was Akmal. I nearly went with a very loud Salaam Alaikum and then clocked him and went, no, Dan Dan you can't why didn't you because that's banter I know that you

will understand and I just I didn't know if a Warrington taxi driver was going to be like I think they'd appreciate you say Salaam Alaikum okay great

it's like you know I might go to Manchester and say alright lad to yeah it seems it seems it seems just as loaded

Mancunians famously What does that translate to directly? Well, Assalamu Alaikum Peace be upon you That's a nice thing to say, isn't it? Yeah It's Muslim go ahead Get on me, lad

So we sat down And then he told me that he was An Afghan refugee Who at six months left Afghanistan, went to Russia. Where? Russia. What the fuck?

That's a bad choice. Then moved to Germany for a bit. Better. Grew up in the Netherlands. Ah, you see? Wow. And then in 2008 came to England. Right.

And his English was impeccable. Better than you three. Right. It was stunning. Lovely chat. And he talked about what it was like. I said, you know, what's it like being a refugee?

And he goes, within a 20 minute taxi drive, you managed to drop the, what was it like being a refugee? Fucking great, Ishan. Thanks for that. And then he was like, to be honest,

by the time I realised I was a refugee, I was in the Netherlands smoking pot. That's great. Fucking holidays in Bangladeshladesh yeah and he was just like he's at he speaks like six different languages he speaks french dutch german some afghan dialect all right i've lived i've lived in the east midlands yeah it was really impressive right okay he seemed like a nice really nice he seemed like a nice chap nice guy he seemed like a nice chap you would is Russia the first place

you think of if you're like we need to get out of this place this place seems a little bit edgy and rough you just go to wherever there aren't

any no entry signs I suppose right you turn up to the shore they're like no Greece says no Turkey says no right okay

you just kind of try and find a place and end up in fucking Siberia I don't know oh god do you like Russia? Because he fucking hates it.

What's your opinion on Russia? I like Russia. Why do you hate Russia? I mean, I don't hate Russians. You hate the country? I'm sure the Russians you meet over here are lovely, considered people. Like, I don't make blanket decisions about huge swathes of the human race, but I do take umbrage with the premiership of that country.

I love the premiership of that country. Because they are fucking modern-day Nazis, bettered only for their fascism by China, really. They're just a murderous bunch of Nazis. I like Russia because they don't give a fuck what the west think right and they've got the power to be able to do it and i love that and the thing is what i think what's happened is because russia have for so long said fuck you to the west we've grown up with this idea that oh they're all dirty little nazis yeah fine i don't like the fact that they're homophobic

but why does everyone have to have the same standards that we do? It's funny with the homophobia thing, because I find that quite abhorrent about Russia, and they've got a horrific sort of problem with it. But then as soon as you talk about Middle Eastern countries and any Muslim countries, you're like, oh, well, that's part of their religion. So that's different, that's cultural, and I don't want to be seen as like an anti-brown racist

yeah yeah exactly but when it's white people in russia i'm like you fucking you should know better yeah but then but then with that sort of like it's part of my belief system that uh we hate gays you're like that doesn't make it all right russians hate gays and then people from the middle east are like well the guy that comes there makes me hate guys it's still wrong isn't it but you as a that is a total like hypocrisy of being a western white people like oh Russia

you fucking fascists what about Dubai yeah yeah yeah there's gigs in Dubai pool parties they put you on a there's a beach pool parties

yeah pool parties in Dubai yeah or shopping so I like Russia I like the fact that they just say fuck you to everyone Also my favourite dictator is Stalin

What? What? You've got a favourite dictator? Everyone's got a favourite Everyone's got a favourite dictator Come on Everyone's got a favourite Top three

Fucking Stalin Mussolini Thank you Change it up Mao Really? Yeah because he had some Quite progressive economic policies.

Chairman. The chairman. The chairman. Chairman Mao, yes. He's not really a dictator, but if I could be any of them, it would be Genghis Khan. Right. I like the guys who dressed as generals and looked like...

Gaddafi. Yeah, Gaddafi, Chavez. You know the guys who are like, I am running the country. I need all of the medals they're like Tropico have you played the game Tropico

oh my god that's exactly what I was thinking about how good is Tropico oh it's such a good fucking game Tropico is such an amazing game what the fuck is Tropico it sounds like

one of the ice creams your man on the British tour doesn't have ice cream Tropico got the Tropico got Ritz

got Cluedo Joe when you get to a certain point and they all just revolt anyway? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just deleted everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything. I mean, you can just fucking die on the island then.

Yeah, exactly. Let them all die. Basically, you wash up onto this small island and you build- Computer game. Yeah. Sim City. A bit like Sim City.

Some fascist. It's like Civilization Revolution kind of. Yeah. Okay, right. And you build your civilization. Well, civilization. You build the economy. You put ports. And you choose what kind of trade deals you want kind of. Yeah. Okay, right. And you build your civil, well, civilization. You build the economy, you put ports, and you choose what kind of trade deals you want to do.

Yeah. You sound like fun kids, you two. Yeah, liberal, mate. It's a fucking good game. It's a liberal policy. But what do you do with all that pussy you're getting? I mean, when does that get in the way of it? You're like, ah.

Is that? That's afterwards. Oh, yeah, yeah. That comes with. Yeah, that comes with the Tropico membership. Like, just batting all that puss puss away. Because we played Because we played All that Tropico

And used our brain cells At that age Our hair is still That age So you're not playing no more Hey Hey Bro

Bro Don't step to me like that Bro Don't step to me This is the second time On a public episode I've not worn a hat And you're stepping to me

Someone commented saying i love shiny dan you know i tell you to be fair with adam he can be a fuck he's like a honey badger he is vicious when you prod him in the wrong way but i never go after his eye and he very rarely goes after my hair it's really weird sorry we've ring fenced some things. So when you went for my hair then I was like Packing! How long's that? How long's that?

Edit point. Steep! I'm blaming you for that one. Where were you on that kid? Jesus Christ. Thank God it was me. Order! Order. Jesus Christ Thank God It was me Order Order Order Order

Sorry So It is sweltering And I've I'm not wearing a hat And I know It makes me look like I said on the Patreon

I didn't wear a hat on the Patreon It makes me look like A sinister German Technopedo It suits you though Because baldness suits Some people And doesn't suit others.

It definitely suits you. Yes, I just wish I played Tropico. You still get it now? It's on the Xbox Store? Yeah. All right, okay, cool. On the PlayStation Store, yeah. Well, Rush is our new sponsor.

Tropico. And we're also sponsored by Feasts and Wagon Wheels. Okay, but of those dictators though, which dictator would you most want to be? The ones that we've mentioned. Well, you want someone who had complete power and lasted ages. So Stalin was a bit of a top Trump's.

It's a sinister game of top Trump's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think Stalin would be up there, wouldn't he? Because Hitler, what did he get? 15 years of power and it ended pretty badly. How long was Hussein gone for? Saddam's got 30-odd years, 35 years. 30-odd years.

Gaddafi was there for a while wasn't he yeah when Gaddafi was killed or died or escaped he was the world's richest man at 300 billion dollars

really yeah really was he well yeah but yeah but how did he die because I don't think Jeff Bezos is going out

like that yeah I think I think I think Gaddafi's alive what no I don what i don't like right with that mentalness let's ring adam i think godaffi's alive and jeff bezos is a hologram let's ring another nutter i think jeff bezos is godaffi hey i cannot believe i'm gonna say this out loud but let's ring adam

for a little bit of common sense which is the first time I've ever said that on the pod I'm not ringing Adam Rushton, that's the wrong Adam I'm not ringing him I don't want to ring Adam Bloom should we not ring Adam Bloom let's ring Kinglid

Adam Rolad bloody hell Should we not ring Adam Bloom? Let's ring Kinglid Adam Rowlad Bloody hell He's holed up With the Roans I could have played a call centre You go for it Except Only Adam wouldn't answer his phone

What a fucking Hello Adam Row speaking Good afternoon sir. Good afternoon, sir. Hello? Good afternoon, sir. I'm calling from your bank. Can you hear us? Can you?

Adam, can you hear us? I can, yeah. Ishan tried to do a call centre operative and you rejected it absolutely out of hand. No, lad, I'm not doing this. I've got the fucking rona. Ladies and gents, it's King Lid, Adam Rowe. Fucking what a week.

What did I say to you on Monday, Adam? I said don't get the fucking rona. Yeah, I know, but I think I might have already had it. I don't know anymore. How are you feeling? How are you feeling? Tell me your symptoms. I feel quite okay.

I've just got this sort of niggling cough. What cough? niggle and cough what cough maybe maybe Ishan can get away with it but I'm not sure you can so do you feel like

you're on a slide or do you think you've plateaued and it's a bit meh but you're not I definitely don't feel like I'm on a slide I don't know like I'm on a slide Adam are you in the park? I don't feel like I'm on any form

of a slide are you on a roundabout? are you on a swing? monkey bars what are you doing at the park Adam? you know the room I'm sat on the couch in Sam's mum

and dad's house so Sam's mum and dad have gone away for a month so we're both at their house because it's big

right really well done I honestly thought you were trying to like I know you guys have only been seeing each other six months but I was like

that is a suspicious move isn't it like I've tested positive for the rona can we go to your in-laws because the deposit for the, isn't it? Like, I've tested positive for the Rona. Can we go to your in-laws? Because the deposit for the house isn't fucking saving itself, is it? But they're not there.

No, they're not. And here's my question. What are you eating? Are you being fed properly? That's my number one thought. Well, I got a Chinese last night, pretty gentle, so I didn't eat it. And then I got some ice cream delivered as well That was fine

You got some ice cream delivered? Go on, Dan I got a kid's Bueno And some vanilla ice cream delivered Right, okay From where? Like, I don't understand Like a dessert restaurant

Oh, nice. Very nice. Now, was it delivered in an ice cream van or in a sort of rickshaw? It was delivered by a man who I would guesstimate wasn't born here, but has recently moved here and bought a moped. Yeah, I like it we have spent a

suspicious amount of time in the first section of this podcast talking about Bangladeshi ice cream rickshaws and it ended exactly how you think

it might end but at least this time it was Ishan dropping the pee bomb yep I've literally

as well had to call you because Ishan was without much humour talking about his favourite dictators of all time I'm like alright Ishan

stop being so sexy so you're you're alright because day three which I think is is this that sort of when do you think

your symptoms started the start of the week right so it is it is... I'm trying to... Okay. At the Froggen Bucket on Saturday last week, I had to cough like three times,

but then something was fine completely all day, apart from at the ninth time when I felt like I'd got a bit of sunstroke and I said that to you on Monday, if you remember. Yeah, you weren't right and you called it a sunstroke but you definitely weren't right, were you? So then Monday... Oh, Adam.

Adam, two seconds. Are you on Wi-Fi there? Can I call you back on WhatsApp? You can do, yeah. Why? It's breaking up a little bit. We're breaking up a little bit. OK, go on, call me back. OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're just experiencing some technical issues which are currently being resolved by Dan Nightingale. I think we'll just cut this out. What a pro. Just to go back to Gaddafi, in all seriousness. He doesn't sound himself, does he? He sounds quite... Yeah, reserved.

Reserved. Hello? Oh, that's better. There we go. Oh, it's more better. More better. Right, sorry, just before we had our little... Ishan did such a good job of trying to pad the me.

I was like, we're just going to cut this out, Ishan. He was like, no, no, no. Maybe we won't cut it out. Just wanted people to know that he's stepping into these shoes. Sorry, you were saying, so you were at the Frog on Saturday and you coughed a few times. Yeah, so I'll start that again. So I was at the Frog on Saturday. I coughed a few times yeah i'll so i'll start that again so i was at the frog on saturday i coughed a few times on stage sunday felt fine i went out with sam we

went to the park and then we sat in the garden for a bit and i just felt like at the end of the day that i'd got a bit of uh sunstroke which i get quite a bit so monday i felt a bit off uh like after we recorded the patreon i went home and I got in bed for a bit thinking I've got heat stroke I need a little nap before we go to bongos bingo yeah you went you ended that pod in a sort of like I'm done way when I know because that had been a really fun Patreon episode and we've had loads of good feedback about it I had a blast but you were like I need to stop doing this yeah and I don't want anyone to think i've like being irresponsible or anything like that because there was no like covid symptoms i just felt like there was no

traditional covid symptoms i just felt like i had a bit of heat stroke so still went to bongo's bingo tuesday woke up but i drank quite a bit at bongo's bingo i was i was pissed at the end of it um so woke up with a a hangover or what felt like a hangover um sort of slept it off all day drank as much like water as i could went and did my gig in swindon and then when i got back when i got out my mate's car i just got like a bit of a chill he dropped me off yeah i just got a bit of a chill and then when i got in bed that night i coughed a few times and sam was like just do a test tomorrow and i was like yeah i will i still feel bad in the morning i'll do a test because in my head i was like i haven't got it and then when i woke up yesterday i just felt like still hungover but not like two-day hangover like i felt like i normally do on day one of a hangover so i was

like oh fuck it i'll just do a test bit of a head what is that yeah yeah just like just like still sunstroke symptoms really but like it shouldn't be lasting that long so i did the test that like i did it twice they were both positive and then we went and got a pcr um well, and that one's come back positive. So I don't know whether... I think my symptoms might have started on Saturday without me really knowing. And then I would say at the very latest,

they sort of started Tuesday night, but I don't know which one I'm to go off until. I'm probably just going to keep like from next Wednesday, which would be 10 days after Saturday. I'm just going to keep testing every day and see when it goes to negative because there's a chance this is started on the Saturday. Yeah. Yeah.

And like if you, if you, if the symptoms have gone and then you test negative, then you're out, aren't you? And then you can come back and POD. So you were just about to set off to Norwich to support Catherine Ryan.

Yeah. That's a fun phone call. So, yeah. So I'm really sort of stupidly i i'd i'd been around that on on in in swindon because the shows i was doing this week i had hot water coming up at the weekend but the shows i was doing midweek this week were katherine ryan live um and i was one of the support acts. It's quite well paid. I got quite pissed off with the promoter yesterday,

who we won't name, because I was like, I've got COVID, and you need to tell everyone I was around last night that I've got it. And he was like, are you sure, or do you just not want to drive to Norwich? And I literally told a comedy promoter to go fuck himself.

Honestly, I've been bugged by that. Laura's mentioned it twice. That's how annoyed she got with it. It's such a dickhead reaction to like, oh, this isn't what I want. This is going to cause

me problems. You're like, you're putting on major shows in the middle of a horrific spike. Shit's going to happen, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like,

you can't, like, what he said was this is going to be sort of really difficult for katherine ryan because she's got tv stuff that she's meant to be doing next week and she's going to have to isolate now and i was like i get that but if she's that bothered she can't be going out and gigging because anyone can like the amount of people getting pinged at the minute exactly and you're like you're not choosing to do this on purpose are you

no i've trust me i'd much rather not be sat here watching Harry Potter 1. Harry Potter 1! I love it! I've started making people use the 1, 2, 3 of Jaws and rock it on Harry Potter. I'm going to go all the way to Harry Potter 5.B. Yes!

No. Philosopher's Stone. It's absolutely one of the most most frustrating responses and that promoter knows who the fuck they are

been a bellend he's apologised he has apologised to be fair has he he did like because I I told him to fuck off

and then he was like this is really inconvenient and I was like I couldn't give a fuck how convenient it is fuck you and

to be fair he he did go, look, get that PCR test to me whenever you can. And I'm sorry. Because I need proof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's apologising. We'll leave it there. I just wanted to have a little vent about that.

Right. And I think it's a valid vent. Right now, the tickly cough is the problem. I haven't stopped sweating. I've been permanently wet like Karlsmar for two days. Can I just say, that might not be COVID. I think a lot of the UK, apart from Ishan and his taxi driver, are sweating in places that we do not need to be sweating from.

I am loving this weather. No, but I'm in the living room and it's really, really cool in here. I'm not hot, but I'm pissing with sweat constantly. And has Sam tested positive? No, Sam's negative, but she's still got to isolate with me for 10 days. Do you get under-moobs sweat? Because I do sometimes. Under-moobs sweat?

Yeah. Hang on, let me have a little check. Tit tears, yeah. A little bit. Do you know where the worst of it is for me? Is the knee crevice. Oh, keep talking. Oh, knee crevice, yeah.

Like the back of your knee. Yes. Oh, it smells like absolute bumholes in there at the minute. Enjoy your breakfast, everyone that's not a patron Monday morning. Why the fuck does it smell like absolute bumholes in there at the minute enjoy your breakfast everyone that's not a patron monday morning the fuck does it smell like bumholes yeah he's got covid crevice covid just shit in the middle of my crevice oh god you know what like i've been so sort of conscious of like losing me taste and stuff and me smell the first thing i did this morning when i woke up like i opened my eyes and normally the first thing i do when i open my eyes

is grab my phone and look at my social media i went straight to my backpack and put some after shave on to make sure i could smell it oh i thought you were gonna spray it in your mouth to see if you could taste it that's a guy who likes to fuck i've woken up and i'm putting on my order five count Five count biscuits. I've already told you. I've ordered an oximeter. You know that little thing you put on your finger

to test your oxygen and your blood. Just to keep me health anxiety in check. Or set it spiralling when it tells me I haven't got enough oxygen. What do you want to make sure

that you don't lose the taste of? Is there a particular food that you don't want to cock? Well, I don't think it works like that, Ashon. I don't think you can still taste bananas, but you can't have catsupon. No, that's not... I understand

that. I'm asking you which thing that you would miss the most. Definitely dick. Oh, erm... Mangrove. Mangrove. I don't... I mean, I don't know. I got salt and pepper chicken last night because I was like

I was treating it like the last supper goodbye my friend yeah I was like I could lose my taste tomorrow

so I wanted to have like my favourite dinner tonight and it was shite unknowingly shite oh is it because it's an away fixture you're at

you're at her mum and dad so it's not your Chinese oh not your Chinese right wasn't quite chippy oh you've had a fucking shat tar the next away chinese takeaway difficult one now no one's ever said that sentence before that is an original sentence that will never be said again i am i'm having gammon tonight um we've we've ordered a Tesco delivery

so we're getting enough food to last 10 days. I feel for you. It doesn't half get boring. Wait till you get to Harry Potter 4. I'll tell you what, when I'm back up north next week, I'll cook you a curry and drop it off. Thank you.

Are you actually good at cooking curry, Ashant? Yeah, I'm wonderful. What's your best curry, Ashan? Yeah, I'm wonderful Bro, bro I'm excellent at cooking curry What's your best curry, Ashan? It would have to be Like a classic lamb, I guess A good lamb curry A classic lamb

Classic lamb I don't like lamb in curry Okay, what do you want? Chicken? You want spicy? Yeah, I can do spicy Chicken, and I want it I like a

I like a madras But not like an Not a real dish! That's a Birmingham-based curry, isn't it? I'll make you a chicken curry a la Ishan. Just have that and shut up. Oh, no, I want some. Oh, yeah, in this heat.

Spicy, but not quite vindaloo spicy. Okay, not too spicy. Do you like rice or naan? Eshan, look. Eshan, look. Stop being all fucking traditionalist with your curry-based enthusiasm, right? Fuck you.

I'm not from where you're from, like ethnic background-wise, okay? Every single curry house that I've ever been to in the whole world, bear in mind I've only been to curry houses in this country. They all do madras. So it is a thing. It is a thing.

Just because it's not from your neck of the woods, it's a fucking thing. Yeah, stop being a fucking nonce. I'll have eight chicken dippers and some fucking McCain Ridge chips. I'll make you a madras Bengali style. What else do you want? Rice? No. No coriander do you want? Rice? No. No coriander.

No coriander? Okay. It's 32 degrees. He's sweating from behind his knees. And we're talking about Vindaloo heat curries. Get a multi-pack of Soleros. Oh, Bengali ones. Bengali Soleros.

Tropical. On a rickshaw. Ice cream. Eshan. Yes. Eshan. Yes. Eshan. Did you just ask me, do I want rice or. Ice cream! Yes.

Did you just ask me, do I want rice or a naan? Yes. What are you talking about? I want rice, chips and naan. Chips. All the carbs. All the carbs. You can't have curry without chips. If you could see his face right now, he is not happy.

He's fuming It's almost like you said Stalin was a pager I'm actually sweating I'm actually sweating for the first time He's genuinely annoyed What kind of rice? What's the best rice to go with one of your curries? Well it's normally a long grain rice

But because it's you lot I'll make basmati Basmati Basmati Listen even though you think that's right You can't make it sound wrong Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Listen Even though you think that's right You can't make it sound wrong Basmati rice Basmati

That's the way to say it Basmati Basmati Basmati Some lentils Lentils You want some lentils I can have lentils

She's got a fucking hell of a Basmati Adam We love you And we miss you I like you And I hope I hope hope you sound fine

you sound alright I feel alright apart from the cough I feel alright Sam's looking after me, she keeps making me drink water she's bought a lot of stuff for me she made sure I brought diorolite

get some turmeric milk down here mate Plenty of ibuprofen Plenty of paracetamol Orange juice for the vitamin C She's given me some hand sanitizer Have you had turmeric milk? Have you had sex? Have you had sex?

Have you had COVID sex? We can't have sex No In this heat? That would be irresponsible No you can do it He's banging He's banging his in-laws.

He's getting his sweaty inside knees out. Right, we love you, and we'll speak to you on the Patreon episode, and stay safe. Get well soon, my man, and I'll bring the curry over to you next week. Sound all right. A madras, no coriander, yeah? Give me the curry over to you next week. Sound. All right. A madras, no coriander.

Yeah? Give me sweaty inside knees, dickheads. With chips. All right. I'm so hungry. Go out. Good for you, David. Go out, our kids.

See you later, lads. See you, lads. Get on me. Get on me, lads. Get on me. Basmati. Basmati. Basmati. Basmati.

Basmati. What did he just call ibuprofen? Ibuprofen. Ibuprofen. Is everyone at a fucking stroke? No, ibuprofen is a common way of saying ibuprofen. Ibuprofen. Ibuprofen.

Ibuprofen. What the fuck? I'm telling you, when I have too much basmati, I need ibuprofen. Basmati. And a lid down. Basmati. Basmati. Ti, ti. Ti. and a lid down put the front of your tongue between your teeth yes right okay good i'm gonna not do that voice now i've definitely used up my quota um let's have a little uh break we'll speak to one of the old money cunts.

Fucking hell. I'm that guy. When Adam's not here, I'm the guy. And we'll see you shortly. All right. Go ahead. That's my tea. What's happening, guys?

Ooh, look at your outfit. Shocking. You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from have a word pod.com you want some official have a word merch go to have a word pod.com and get something instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on it's horrible you look a joke

don't believe in the house like that you want a hoodie that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it have a word pod. Welcome back. It's section two of this, a really unusual have a word podcast. Unusual? I'm not, I'm not wearing a hat. Oh, that's why it's unusual.

Yeah. Later than usual as well. Later in the day. Yeah. Yeah. Adam's Asian now. Adam, yeah.

And also fix his lazy eyes. If you can hear a sort of like, it's the All the fans All the fans we own The aircon They need to be on We're in the middle of

A fucking heatwave In the north Of bastard England Or as I like to call it Winter You were made for this though We weren't Right yeah

That's true You were Your Literally Biology was made to deal with this. I feel very much at home at the moment. I'd love to go skiing with you. I'd love to go skiing with you. To see you fucking freezing your tits off at Heathrow.

True story about skiing. When I used to work in banking. Hello. I'm sick of stories starting like this on this podcast. Adam's like, lad, when i used to work an investment banker not another fucking tale for my days in the city there were 11 junior bankers on this banking program how many of the 11 were bona fide cunts 10 okay all right you were 11 and i was basically like the guy that was the banker,

but also the relationship between the bankers, junior bankers, and HR. Right? Yeah, so you were the grass. No, not the grass. I was like the representative. Oh, my God. You weren't. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You were class president of 11 junior bankers. Yeah, yeah. Oh. And he got it because of his knowledge of Tropico. Hello. And then, you know, we used to go out drinking and have a nice time, blah, blah, blah.

And then one day, they had arranged a ski trip and not invited me. Oh, shit. They were like, I'm sorry, Eshan. Could you go with HR, maybe? Yeah, Hugo said, oh, I didn't want to invite you to something that you might be unfamiliar with. And the truth is, I've never been skiing,

but I thought I was popular. Do you know what I mean? Because you go to the pub with these guys all the time, and you're not invited to the ski trip. You're like, Hugo, you've done me dirty. He sounds like the epitome of every fucking private school Tory, young Tory ever. His great or great, great grandfather designed the first

England-Scotland railway. That's what we're dealing with. Okay. Eton. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One of my colleagues was Tilda Swinton's brother. Right. Sandy Swinton.

Not the rice person? No. Or the actress. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Right No. Or the actress. Tilda Swinton. Tilda Swinton. Right. I'm right to think Tilda is a rice, isn't it? It is a rice.

It's actually pronounced Tilda. Tilda. Tilda. Tilda Swinton's great. I don't have her up as a massively aristocratic sort of... Because she's... I think the Swinton's there. Oh, fine.

But she's in Michael Clayton, which is one of my favourite films. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's good at what she does. Yeah, she is good at what she does. I don't mind people who are posh who are then fucking brilliant at something. Well. Hugo. See, I'm not a big fan of banking.

So Hugo can fuck off and die on the slopes. I was walking in the office, right? And Sandy, her brother, was walking across. Sandy Sw and sandy her brother was walking across sandy swinton sandy swinton all right he was walking towards he he yeah yeah he was walking towards me sandra uh walking towards me and uh he saw me he said oh yes great my computer's the third one along on the thing because you had to be the tech guy i had to be the tech guy and i was like oh sandy i'm not i'm not here for your computer and he goes oh what do you do and i said i'm a private banker in the sport sport media entertainment team he goes you've done well for yourself do you know next time i'd have done with sandy is when he'd go oh great my computer used third

from the end you'd be like okay i've gone fix. And then pick it up and be like, oh, Sandy, this one is broken. Bang! Just swat it off the ground. He'd be like, okay, I think the computer guy is a bit of a maverick, but I won't say anything, you know, because he's done well for himself. Yeah. So this was in, you know, the city of London. The city of London in Mayfair, no less.

How long did you last as a banker? I was a banker for seven years. Right, okay. You're right. Paid off the mortgage and then became a fucking joker. Yeah, basically, you can imagine. Well, after, the last job I had, I was a speechwriter to the CEO of HSBC.

Right. They have speechwriters? Yeah. Like the president yeah right because like they they might go to parliament or they might go to fucking um ministry of justice as they were doing at the time hsbc right and i'd help like the speeches and stuff that he'd say and his public statements how the fuck have you ended up on the Have a Word podcast? That's what.

I'm genuinely like, the route you've had, Sandy Swinton, Hugo, HSBC. But right now, this point in your life. It's the pinnacle of my career. That long and winding Tory road has got you in Roncorn talking to a baldy and two scouts who aren't concentrated yeah i am i know you're joking you're just working hard just working hard so yeah it's uh it's been an interesting life and you've got an asbo things have gone really beautifully wrong for you mate you've got an asbo three weeks ago three weeks ago yeah he's still fucking with Sandy's computer right

did a gig I did a gig and I got absolutely fucking wasted right Thursday night Thursday night

must tomorrow right Thursday night it was a Thursday night as well got absolutely wasted and then I'm 36 now

you have to have a certain level of planning about your bladder yeah so I had a piss and hangovers you have to just hang over what i don't get hangovers you don't sweat and you don't get hangovers it's difficult to like you sometimes this isn't hot this is mild you don't sweat i sweat so much i hate it

it feel for you there um adam adam would have that pause if you heard that pause that was where adam would have ripped carl a new sweaty arsehole for saying that but we all just went oh bless you have a word god uh very supportive not as funny but supportive in adam's absence what he's just done there i said this was better when adam was here no no no no no it's better now no but there's there's a lot of muscle memory going on so So that pause literally was for Adam to go, shut up, you fucking dick. That was literally that. Shut up, you fucking dick.

Oh, I feel at home now. Oh my God, you've nailed it. Fucking rat. Yeah. Your Scouse impression sounds like Hugo doing a Scouse impression. My favourite city is Liverpool. I hate that.

Just don't do the eul. No one does the eul. I would rather do my bengali than you do scouts i think yours is more offensive can you do preston i can't do preston all right all right i'm from preston how you doing you're right my name's ishan i'm from preston isn't it no you're doing asian preston? You all right? My name's Ishan. I'm from Preston, innit? No, you're doing Asian Preston. Yeah, yeah. You all right? Okay, good. That's cheating, innit?

Why's that cheating? All right, bro. All right, bro, what's going on? I'm from Deepdale, innit? I'm from Blackburn, innit, bro? Do you know that's really offensive? Why? Preston and Blackburn are very different people.

Asians as well. Like, they're, you know. I love it how you've just done that. Yeah, I can do Preston. You all right? I'm from Preston right I'm from Preston I'm from Preston bro innit and honestly not far off

anyway need a piss right where was the gig Escape Bar in Dalston it's a lovely little pub in Dalston very nice

did the gig had a piss started walking to the next pub because I wanted to have more to drink lads lads lads realised I needed another piss. Okay.

Found a little corner hidden away. It's Stoke Newington. It smells like shit anyway. Yeah. Found a little alleyway. Started having a piss. Turned round. Four coppers staring back at me.

Four. Four of them. How big is your dick that they had to call for backup? It was shade in the place. I'm Big Bone. I'm having structure. I'm here with Josh. I pulled my shit up. This whole room get dark.

That's another black guy. I know I just did that. I know another one. I was just doing black guy noises and went, Josh! Sorry, who's another? Mate, we were doing Bernie Mac. We were doing Bernie Mac we were doing

Bernie Mac and in my head I was like he was a black man he was he was anyway so the cop

says to me are you aware you're currently urinating on a police station and all of a sudden it's not their fault anymore

oh my god they it wasn't back up they were just arriving for their shift and I was like And all of a sudden, it's not their fault anymore. Oh, my God. It wasn't backup. They were just arriving for their shift. And I was like, sorry. And he goes, this is a police station. I'm like, it does not look like a police station. What? How do police stations look?

Big blue flashing light. I don't know, jail cells or something. Jail cells! Put a window so you can see in the jail cells. These are just bricks. This could be anything. I thought it would be like the New Scotland Yard spinny thing. Dalston.

Dalston Police Station. Every police station in London has spent the money. A lot of the budget goes on the spinning side. Wigan. Why do you keep putting these outside police stations? Just to make sure people don't piss on the police stations So then He goes oh did you not notice all the police cars Then you look round

Looked round there were loads of police cars And then I was like oh it's Stoke Newington there's always police cars here I didn't know it was a station I didn't know it was Station Pacific And then I just started apologising profusely. With dick out or dick away? I was zipping up. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry. Can I just dry my hands on you? Turned around and then kind of shook and started zipping up. How long did you shake? Maybe this was why there was four of them. How long was the shake going on for? It's big, isn't it? Do you realise you're wanking on a police station?

I don't know this police station. I thought it was a nursery. Yeah, I've actually got the Asprey with me. Hang on. I've escalated quickly. Sorry, yeah. You were apologising profusely. Apologising profusely.

And then he said, I think he took some sort of sympathy on me. I don't know what it was. And then he was like, well, listen, I'm going to have to write you up. Right. I was like, what are you going to write on the thing? What's it like a ticket, a fine?

Yeah. No, no fine, just a ticket, which is an antisocial behavioural order, which means I've got 90 days to not recommit the crime oh right yeah and then

it's a social yellow card yeah yeah and then he wrote up and then he wrote urinating

that's how they hold them Carl that's what you yeah we both did it yeah and he wrote

urinating and then on he underlined a police station. And handed me the ticket. Wow. Wow. Has it happened again since?

No, it's not happened again since. No. No. Because piss on a police station once. Hang on. Can you finish that piss then? Shame on you. Because you've already been booked.

What do you mean? Had you finished? Yeah, I finished. Oh, right. They had waited for me to turn around. Right. They waited for me to finish. I don't care what's going on behind me.

It has to be a lion minimum for me to finish off a piss. The rush of adrenaline for my piss to be like, Dan, we'll finish this later. Don't worry about it. Four policemen would be like, guys, even if I wanted to, this is happening right now. The ship has ship so i then i got on dick like a people order and then can i see it yeah my wallet's over there oh we've can we just get the asbo yeah we just need we just need proof you know like the promoter adam was working for the brown one it should be on the desk over there oh they gave you

oh yep oh calls it good thank you lovely little wallet thank you very much

wallet with a zip you know how to play it don't you yeah I do know how to play it if that had been Velcro it would have made my fucking day there we are

oh let me just verify oh my actual days There we are. Oh, let me just verify. Oh, my actual days. You've got a fucking Stoke Newington. ASB caused. Oh, it's faded a little bit, hasn't it? Yeah, it's faded a bit.

Pissing on a police station. In school, kids, don't do drugs. So where's Hugo now now just out of interest hugo he's not pissing on police stations and podcasting in runcorn is he i think he goes running some sort of european team at jp morgan or something oh my god he might have lads that i know that are running a european team at jp morgan so bored of hearing him Yeah Daz Daz is your mate Your mate Daz Yeah yeah

He's doing that Have any of you Got in trouble with the police It's not my first run in With the police by the way It's what It's not my first run in I've never spoken to the police

In my entire life Really Never He won't even You know He won't speak to them I won't speak to them You know what I mean

It's the fucking streets It's the busy isn't it I've no I've been a pretty good lad. I got stopped for having a brake light out driving back from a gig and had to do... He was like,

can I ask you where you're coming back from? I was like, I'm coming back from a gig. He was like, what do you do? I was like, I don't want to be the guy that says this to a policeman, but I don't want to lie. I that says this to a policeman yeah but i don't want to lie i am a stand-up comedian yeah i'm driving back to manchester from a gig in nottingham it's lame i'm not trying to be i delivered it like this it is just my job and he went oh i haven't met

a comedian before and he was just really nice about it like yeah yeah but that's because, you know. Yeah. White. I shaved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a professional. You're presentable. So, yeah, no, I'm a bit of a wuss. There's been times in my life where I, if I'd have been stopped by the police, things would have happened when I was going out raving.

I once drove to Sunderland from Newcastle off my tits and came back with a fucking shipment accidentally just spent too much money if I'd have been stopped I would have gone to prison but I've managed to just dodge those bits of my life

got a bit lucky and then just have really fucking polite conversations in Cheshire going I'm sorry I'm going home I've been at a gig the cops won't call me what?

the cops won't call me yeah no they won't do you know? they've heard what you're like with fucking slide tackles. I don't know where someone's paid them off. You've never had any running, Carl, with the law? Not a single one.

Not a single one? At all? Never. Have you had any points on your license? No. Fucking hell, what a boring life. Jesus Christ. You've lived, though, haven't you, Carl?

I've killed three, four, three, four people. Prostitutes. Yeah. Fucking hell! though haven't you i've killed three three four three women four people yeah yeah yeah fucking hell jesus you can't slide tackle sex workers ishan what have you what i spent a night in a cell once come on come on bro what are you pissed on i ain't pissed on anything i love i, I love your smile. There's so much. Ishan is so like, I hope he comes across in the video. There's such naughtiness in his smile. Like he makes me want to go wean on police stations in Snoke Newington.

Like he's, I'm pissing for George Floyd. He's just got this like, he's got, when you look across, he's got the air of like, this was pretty bad though. Come for an adventure. It's pretty bad.

Come on. It's pretty bad. So basically 2010, was pretty bad hold on it was pretty bad so basically 2010 I was going through a bit of a breakdown oh bit of a breakdown

we're not going to go into it now post banking yeah post banking right pre comedy no I hadn't started comedy

so pre comedy pre comedy pre com pre com nice and I basically we'll talk about another time but during this period of my life fuck he's confident Pre-com. Pre-com. Nice. And I... We'll talk about it another time,

but during this period of my life... Fuck, he's confident, isn't he? I was sleeping... Adam's dying in his head. He's like, we'll do it next episode. He knows he'll be back. I was sleeping on a bus for two and a half months of my life at this time.

Moving? Yeah. I just went to a bus depot, found me. Just out of a commissioned bus and slept on it. No, it was a moving bus. Wow. And then... You slept on a bus. Slept on a bus depot found me just out of commission bus and slept on it no it was a moving bus wow right and then

you slept on a bus slept on a bus for two and a half months you slept on the night buses yeah hang on and the homeless dude tried to steal my hearing aid

turn the fucking music off I can't believe it I would pay so much money I don't know to watch that happen on the CCTV like a homeless guy going I just need fucking

and then trying to work out what on your person is worth any money like oh he's got robot ears I was asleep on the 25 bus. On the 25? Where does the 25 go to? Ilford to Stratford.

Ilford to Stratford. I know it well. Grew up on that route. Yeah, of course you did. It was the bendy bus years when they used to have bendy buses. The bendy bus years. Used to live on a bendy bus.

Fuck off. I thought you were saying the bengal bus. The bendy bus. The bendy bus. I'm a party girl That's aqua Go on And I was asleep

And then I felt like a hand Around my ear Right And it was a grubby Grubby hand I was like What the fuck are you doing

Yeah you can smell it first Yeah and he goes I want that And he was pointing At my hearing aid And he was off his tits Yeah But anyway that's not

what happened it takes it takes a certain level of late night desperation yeah to think i'm going to take this disabled person's hearing aid and get some crack from it do you know what i mean it's i don't even know how much my hearing aid is the hearing aid fence do they exist what a fence what like a market for it yeah yeah right a fence a fence is a person who you say you've stolen goods to you right cool you know a lot about that don't you for someone who doesn't someone who claims to have never had any run-ins with anyone you know a lot about this shit a polymath okay okay again that pause was Adam I was driving the car basically I got back

after I stopped sleeping on the bus I went home it was too stressful got in the car someone cut me up sorry stop stop

you were sleeping on the bus yeah two and a half months then you got off the bus and got in a car no I went home right you went home

yeah things were really tricky at home. Okay, cool. Not in the same night. No, no, no. Right, right. It made it sound more mentally tight. And then I thought,

do you know what? I'll just drive home and sleep there because I tell you what, it's difficult at home but no homeless men try and steal my hearing aids. So it was my first day back

after the two and a half month stint on the bus. Get in the car to call off and this guy cuts me up and i just beeped him that's all i did the guy stops the car and he opens the door so i from the window just went mate don't get out i'm i'm unhinged at the moment like i'm not in a good place. He decides to walk towards me. I just got out and punched this guy across the head. And then the adrenaline meant I started kicking the shit out of him. What? Right? Someone call the cops. Yeah?

Yeah. I lost it. Was he a big man, a small man? He was probably a bit taller than me. Right. But black guy. And I just lost it. Is that better?

I don't know. I'm just saying, I don't know why I gave you the details and the information. And then, cops came, took me into a cell.

The guy didn't press charges, I found out later because I think he was already on the run or something. Right? So he didn't press charges. Another polymath. Another polymath. But what was interesting about being in the jail cell that night

is in the cell on the ceiling they had a number for crime stoppers and i remember crime stoppers 0800 whatever, whatever, whatever. And I was like, who is calling that from here? Good ask. Can I have my one phone call, please? Yeah. Who are you calling?

There was an Asian guy beating up a black dude. 0800 679 4200 I want to report a stolen hearing aid on the number 25 bus and then I waited about maybe what 9, 8, 9 hours something like that before the solicitor came

and then the copper was like you seem like a decent bloke going through a tough time you you apologised profusely I apologised profusely it's the way isn't it sort yourself out

right here's a caution great I got a little police caution you know your stories are very valid and there's like

serious like there's drama in there but but you make them so middle class and harmless like I got out of the car and started beating a black guy to death.

Did he go down? Yeah, I just ended up in the police cells. And the thing I remember after my near fight to the death with a black guy outside a car on a road was Crimestoppers had a number up. After I'd apologised profusely, the officer in charge thought it was amusing as well.

So that's the end of the story. And I don't know if everyone else has anecdotes about fighting people from different ethnicities did they hit you back huh did they hit you back

no I just caught him with a lucky punch it was a lucky punch and he just kind of fell to the ground right and then I just started kicking him

sorry I don't think he was expecting the Bengali rage he wasn't expecting it right I needed a little sigh to be honest which you didn't even realise I just fucking felt like fucking and then it felt great to be honest i don't know if you've

ever hit anyone no but it does feel good cars never even you know from the women that he hit you ran over it was poison it's poison you poisoned them yeah that's a lot of effort so you take them for a nice seafood dinner and fucking put some poison in it. But the poison was on the end of his studs, so when he slid-tackled them, they call it the scorpion slide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do?

Yeah, yeah, they do. Ah! Was that the turning point? Or was that... That was a bit of a turning point, yeah. Yeah, low point. Yeah, when you spend a night and the food is shit. Right.

Was that the thing where you were like, I need to turn this around? They had the water in, they didn't give you a plastic glass, they gave you that plastic thing with foil on the top you get on a plane. Yeah. One of them ones.

Yeah, so you can't like jizz in it, isn't it? Yeah. Now, is that the worry? It's so the people who work there can't like jizz in your drink. Right. Is that a big problem in the cells? How do you know this? How do I know what?

This fact about the jizz in the... They cover food up, so it can't be spoiled by somebody who might want to spoil it. That's just fucking... Right. But Carl's mind goes to jizz. Jizz being a way to spoil something? Poop.

Does it spoil it though you don't need to list them don't do the worst list in the world i would like you to list arsenic arsenic arsenic on the studs could spoil a glass of water yeah it could right do you know and poo and jizz and poo it's a great way of getting out of like i went for a bit of a breakdown never mind about that how could you ruin water jizz and poo poo and well you know if that was the start of the road to getting you here fucking hell fucking yes i think when you've had those two or three incidents that were obviously quite important points in your life but also plainly ridiculous like to be mugged and it be this funny 10 years later did he get the hearing aid and

fuck off he got it to the bit of where it just started whistling right so he got it to this bit and then he was like ah she's broke he got to that bit why does it whistle is that always whistling that's feedback it's feedback oh it's got big he's really got big ear holes all right i do actually I do have massive eels you know what they say big eels big arsehole big dick I don't know morph

there's no question I can follow sorry there's literally no that is unfollowable in the best of ways

fire fire section can we end this section with you whistling your hearing aids into the microphone we can do that or I can tell you about the time I got this section with you whistling your hearing aids into the microphone? We can do that

or I can tell you about the time I got broken up with you during sex. Chop, stop, right. Let me just have a second with the fan. Go. Broke what?

Broke up with someone dumped you mid-sex. Yeah. See, this is where we've gone wrong on Lock In 3. I have a list of all these.

I know all of these things. On Lock In 3... I have a list of all these. I know all of these things. On Lock In 3 and the first episode, we literally couldn't get past Bangladesh and Islam. Like, Adam really struggles to get past it because he's like, man, it's so big. There was no one that you guys grew up in, in Dovecart, who was like Bangladeshi... I grew up in West Abbey, thank you.

Oh, sorry, loads of Bangladeshi Muslims. You know the rickshaws because of it. Yeah. Lock! Banga-banga-banga-banga! in Dovecart who was like Bangladeshi I grew up in West Abbey thank you oh sorry loads of Bangladeshi Muslims yeah yeah yeah you know the rickshaws because of it yeah but now we're getting into the mmm

a lady broke up with you she mid-sex mid-sex in a relationship or what yeah in a relationship

we've been together on and off what four years wow and the on and off, what, four years? Wow. And the on and off, the offs were because she would keep wanting me to lose weight. So the first gift she bought me was an exercise bike. Fuck, bitch. Did you find it on the bus?

She sent it to my house. She sent it to your house. Had it been made or did you have to make it yourself and you're so excited like it's a big present yeah imagine if you wrapped that because it was standing it was like christmas morning yeah it's an insult so she sent me an exercise bike right and she broke up at what point in the relationship is like did she send you an exercise bike quite a long way in four months whoa yeah this bitch don't play about no right uh is this while during the banking days or during the comedy days this is banking days okay yeah 2009 right yeah just before the. I'm starting to piece this together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So this had happened. So basically, on and off, had a few breakups over the weight thing.

That was the main issue for her in our relationship. I wasn't making enough effort to lose weight. And I've always been kind of this size. I'm not really, not when I was a baby. Big bone. But. Heavy structure. Heavy structure.

Sorry. Too much music on. Mama like that. I'm really baby. Big bone. Everstructure. Everstructure. Sorry. Too much music on. Mama like that. I'm really enjoying the buttons today. Yeah, they're good, aren't they? Because Adam's not here. He doesn't wear the headphones on. I know he can't hear it.

He's got headphones on. So I want to show off. Oh, good. Sorry, go on. So we now fast forward to 2014, two weeks after my mum died. I'm having some... Sorry.

I've got to. Go on. Two weeks after mum died I'm having some grief sex. What? Grief sex? Grief sex. It's good.

Sex, yeah, it's good. Sex when you're grief. Grief sex? Yeah. Oh, you know grief sex, do you? From the other side. Using tears for lube? Yeah.

Yeah. Sexy. Why are you laughing that's really bad grief so we're having the sex

oh and I'm on top okay hello and she tells me to stop

I thought something had gone wrong okay and she said you're too big oh which at first you go Hello. And she tells me to stop. I thought something had gone wrong. Okay. And she said, you're too big. Oh, which at first you go, oh. And then she said, you've not done anything about the weight loss.

So I was like, this might help, the sex thing. Great thinking on your feet. Thank you. Well, this is getting my heart rate up. So let's make this the start. So a lady broke up with you two weeks after your mum. Thank you. Well, let's just get my heart rate up. Let's make this the start. So a lady broke up with you two weeks after your mum died because you were fat. And I think she didn't want to deal

with the fact that I was grieving. Right, yeah. You were crushing the pussy in the wrong way. Exactly. And then she said, you have not done anything to lose weight. And then she told me to stop.

So I did. And then I started, I basically ejected. It sounds like the fun one but it's not it's not yeah yeah and then she's ejected it's safe is it safe to eject yeah you can just pull out yeah and this is what you're doing and i said well does he stop, no, I want to come. You didn't, did you? Yeah, I did. I wasn't allowed to come. What? And then she got dressed.

So, you went to eject, which no one has ever said before in the history of sex. You went to pull out and she was like, no, no, no, no, no. I need to come. Right. Did you come at the same time? No. She came.

Right. Hello. Of course. She came. I mean mean she wasn't breathing well but either she's having an asthma attack or she just came big time anyway so she came um she got dressed left and then you not came came i did you not came did you cry uh i didn't cry but i did i had to jack myself off oh no a grief flank a grief she's gone mom's gone right owed you that? What a bitch. Good God. Yeah. He's Sean. Welcome to have a word.

Absolutely. Vintage. Vintage bullshit. It's so amazing to have someone tell stories that I don't know. Me and Adam know every fucking bit of each of those lives so lads what would you do if an alien in space stuck his dick in your ear imagine he's like let me tell you this story from 2014 that is dreadful yeah well fuck you hugo yeah fuck you sandy swinton and fuck their bitch yeah the ex. She now does plastic surgery or stuff like...

Good. Yeah, that's what she does. Do you know all of your stories include people I don't like who I know are earning hundreds of thousands of pounds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All my friends and my circle, they're all very middle class. Right. They sound like good people.

They're awful people. They don't want to ski with brown people or think that anyone ah i'm sorry please get out of me please inject oneself inject oneself from my pulse but what would you say because pulling out suggests you're pulling out just before you come what what is the right phraseology in that situation eject is so um what sandy swinton thinks you would say um eject eject your penis that doesn't sound right ejaculation ejectulation ejaculation okay let that one hang and that's deserved okay um let's have a half-time break i I'm fucking loving it.

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Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? I just clocked your beard from the side, and it's quite phenomenal, Ishan. Oh, thank you, mate.

What age have you been growing that from? Because I have a number in my mind, and it's probably offensively low. I want to hear your... I would guess you were starting to put the foundations in on that at about 11 years old. Okay. No.

I was... I started growing this 2016 that was that's disappointing no i trim it down all right i'm not letting it grow out like proper you know 9 11 the second yeah like a cape yes yeah all right hey simon bronco loads of traffic on the motorway. Nearly didn't make it. I'm buzzing. My big question is, and I nearly wrote into the show,

why the fuck is it in Runcorn? Yeah. Wait, you know why? Because it just lazily is halfway between where Adam and Carl live and I live. Okay. But also, no one wants to rent office space in runcorn i can see we've apart from bell ends who want to do podcasts right so you're in a

weirdly strong position when you're haggling for your rates when they're like i think it's this much and me and adam are like i don't think it is because yeah it's in the science park is i don't know if people realize i'm not sure like what the science is whether it's whether people come to runcorn um it's this yeah they're just they're trying to work out scientifically why people live here but i'm here um it's it used to be icis headquarters okay so that was the business for uh the international chemical It stands for? The International Chemical Institution. Yeah, that's it. I mean, you know it's in the middle of nowhere

when even Adam's not turning up anymore. Right, yeah. He got the rona just so he didn't have to drive to Runcorn one more time. But yeah, the Science Centre, I think this is where they, you know, invented chemicals. I imagine that's pretty much what they did. To be honest, I do know a bit about this. Shut the fuck up

genuinely go on so they have a lot of chemical based research yeah in Runcorn right and the public health

the health executive of England used to be based here as well mate sometimes you're a bit too sexy thank you thank you so that's it Simon

I have a semi myself yeah but it's handy for the motorway when you've just been stuck on the M6 for God knows how long. No, I'm... You nip off. I'm full of lame London excuses

and I should be ashamed of myself. I'm happy there's another Londoner here, to be honest, because whenever I've done this pod, it's always these northern lovely people. Yeah. Yeah, the mistake you're making there is they don't consider themselves as Northern.

They're Scouse. They're Scouse. They recognise no direction on a fucking map. So where are you on the UK map in relation to London? We're not. They're on the Forchelmapper, Merseyside. Had you missed driving until today? Driving on is one of those things I wanted to do more of in 2021.

And this has got me off to a belter. Yeah. Thank you. The first drive I did after the lockdown, Adam put an Adam Rowan Friends gig on and we all went to Liverpool and I got stuck in an hour and a half of traffic. And I lived 25 minutes, maybe half an hour from Liverpool. And it was an hour and a half of traffic and i lived 25 minutes maybe half an hour from liverpool and it was an hour and

a half of being sat there and and instantly you just get that feeling of like oh maybe there should be more lockdowns over the weekend i went from lancaster to nottingham and on the a50 at stoke there was a one and a half hour traffic jam and we passed the incident and it was a car it was just a carcass of a car a car ashen what no it's just not just no it was just one car completely blown up but you know normally it's just a bonnet that's blown up right this was the whole thing it looked like a terrorist incident yeah it looked like a car in kabul and you were there and i well i drove that's what that's where your head went yeah i mean it's where mine went, but I didn't say it. One thing that happens a lot is they accuse me a lot of terrorism.

No, that's not true. That's the first time. Also, it's a shit terror site. Where did you blow up? Junction 15 of the M6. Yeah, on the A50. I caused over two hours of annoyance. We have traffic jams all over the northern sections of England

and our victory. There you go. Fuck you, East Midland. Next derby. So, welcome. Thanks very much for coming on. In a moment of need, Simon. I heard if there was one podcast

where you come with two other similar age men and chat about traffic. You're ringing. Is that me? We're charging your phone and ringing. And someone says. Basically, what's going on here is I was having a shocker in the car. As you know, I came in covered in rice because I had to eat on the way,

and I'm not even good at doing that. Bas Maté? It wasn't. It was Jasmine. I'm not even good at doing that. Bas Maté or? It wasn't. It was Jasmine. I've taken a piss in the car. Not in the foot well, but I've used a bottle.

And my car was, it wasn't a nice vehicle to be in for large parts. And the phone was running out of battery, hence me giving it to you and I've let the team down by not putting it on silent. Don't worry, mate. Just don't piss in the studio.

You're off the... Really? Did you whiz in a bottle? Yeah. Did you throw it out the window? I've got rid of... There's been quite a few tour managers who have departed mid-tour

once they realised that pissing in a bottle is pretty standard standard you're giving me look i thought we were gonna i've done it i thought we were gonna bond over this i've done it you've not done it listen i'm just telling you how this is gonna work you're not gonna say it and then we're all like oh sympathies we are i need to know how i need to know i am pissing in a bottle i'm gonna going to piss in the right way. That's what you sing when you're doing it. Is it?

You've got your piss song. You know, sometimes... I like that. Does that just help you flow? Because other people are looking at you in the traffic jam. There's the Evian, right? Yes. And that is the international standard. What's that?

Two centimetres? Maybe two and a half centimetres. But then there's some bottles with a slightly girthier... The sport ones. The sport ones. The sport ones. Now, are we pissing into a smaller one well i don't know i'm i'm um girth wise i've never struggled with any bottle because i mean we're talking

about a tapering off of the end of the bell end are we not oh is that what you that's what my i mean i'm jewish i'm gonna oh yes I might be dealing with a different set of equipment to you guys, but of course, brother. No, so is Dan. I'm tapered. Are you tapered? Yeah, but not for religious reasons. Why do you get tapered? For that aesthetic.

So you're like, what can you look? My parents were like, this kid needs a, you know, more tidier looking dick. I couldn't say it because it was so appalling. Because I had the mental imagery of my mum and dad stood around the cot going, we need to sharpen up this guy's dick. No, but my dad got an infection in his foreskin. Is it a public episode?

It is. Hi, dad. He got an infection in his foreskin because he had too much foreskin. He just, he had one of those like, you know, like an anteater. Yeah. Is that what he told you it was? It's an anteater on your feet, son. Mummy, why are you putting my dick in a bowl?

Just because it's better for hygiene and drafts. He got an infection in his foreskin. Apparently the 90 girls. So why did you have to suffer for it? Why did they take your dick? Why did they take your dick? I mean, literally. It wasn't the same time.

My father had a dodgy kidney, so I had mine removed. This is really hurting. Get a doctor to see him. Why did they take yours off? Son, this is a rite of passage. This is how you know you're a nightingale. So he was 19. And a bit of a...

Was he your dad then? He was 19. No, he was 19 when he got his dick I would imagine Was he your dad then? He was 19 No he was 19 When he got his dick Like When he got the snip Yeah The snip

Okay But he wasn't your dad At that point Circumcision Oh he was 11 years Free being married Okay

Right Fine Okay And he got an infection Just through whatever Too much foreskin Yeah The anteater

So just how large Was his foreskin I mean like It. So just how large was his foreskin? I mean, are we talking? It was honestly epic. It's a photo of it up in the Runcorn Science Centre. Like an awning on holiday. We used it as a tent for family holidays for the next 10 years.

Was your dad a Viz cartoon character? I'm from the North, they all are. Get that up, we're going to Coniston. Dad, I want a proper tent. Never mind that. We'll use the family heirloom. Nightingale's pop in his enormous tent of cock. Get it picked down.

If there's a breeze, you'll be in that lake. Does he end up saving people from this? We invented paragliding with my dad's ball pack. Your father has single-handedly rescued thousands of immigrants from the English Channel. Get on board, lads! That's how my parents came to this country. I won't let my son have the same blessing slash burden.

We will chop it off before he knows. HMS Nightingale. I won't let my son have the same blessing slash burden. We will chop it off before he knows. HMS Nightingale. Oh, my days. So he had an infection. But he was 19. So I think it was at the, I mean, I don't know where you were at 19, but I was a horny little devil. To be honest, at 40, it's still pretty impressive,

even in these fucking sweltering conditions. But I think he was, yeah, it was a poor time in his life to be told that he was having an operation on his dick and couldn't use it for three months as the stitches healed. Now, I have been impressed with myself if I can go three days without interfering with myself, just as a form of natural release. God knows what that was like at 19. So he saw the potential

in your foreskin that he had in yours. Son, at that age and that size, you are heading for tentdom. And I will not let you go through this. Norma, come and look at this! Was I as big? I've seen this problem before

Did they use your dad's foreskin Like an opening parade For like the Euro 2020 So this is This is ethically He's had that On the back burner For about

A minute and a half Champions League ball Yeah In the middle All these kids Just fanning your dad's foreskin The champion! La la la la!

I mean, advertising-wise, he could have made quite a bit. He could have made quite a fucking dickhead. Sold some space on the end of his

dick. I mean, that's quite a thing, isn't it? And you could have stood by the side of the motorway if you didn't.

I want to put your ad here. Buy your own strawberries. Radiator outlet. He's literally taken away your greatest ever potential earning revenue because you couldn't stop wanking for three months. Oh, it could have been. So this is ethically wise.

We've entered into something fascinating, and I wouldn't be surprised if they're studying this at Runcorn Science Park. No, they're not, because this is what we're doing. We are currently inside your father's foreskin. The snipped off. No, so ethically wise, you don't know what your foreskin could have been.

Yeah. So you still didn't say why. I remember it. Can I be honest? I got it done at seven years old right wow you remember that yeah i remember you don't remember you do no i do not remember your foreskin no you do it was massive do you remember that day that was dark i lost control of my foreskin tell you son do you know that episode of The Simpsons where Mr Burns cuts off the sun? That happened to my dick

where you live in North London from Preston. So they made a decision that if that happens to young Daniel, why do they wait seven years though? Now this I don't know, but I think it might have been something to do with my dad got a health plan at work and I got my dick done on Bupa. The only kind of healthcare I've ever

had was getting my dick seen to a Bupa. Dan's got Bupa dick. Presumably they now sponsor the show. They do. If you want your penis shortened age seven, Bupa. Manscaped and Bupa come together. When were you circumcised? I was like basically

a newborn. Right. I don't know how it is in the... A month or two before that. Muslim faith, in the Jewish faith. I thought you were going to say in the inferior faith. I think that might be a chip on your shoulder. Were you about to call us inferior? This is how wars start.

What did you just say? No, I'm late. Guys, let's not turn Roncorn into the Gaza Strip. We can't go from magic to the PLO that quickly. I'm not going to go there. Right. Is it the same? There are similar laws.

You've got the Kashrut law. I know a lot of people listen to this for the knowledge that they acquire from the different faith communities. Yeah, they do, yeah. I read a lot of the comments. Every time. And so age, I don't know how many days, you get it cut off.

And is it the same? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly the same. So. Now, you get it, it's an an operation a local jew comes around and just anyone who's part of any passing jew comes around and just has you go okay no no it's it's it's a professional it's a professional all right so yeah i don't put you no from within the faith

from within the faith it's not nhs it's it's not nhs um but it's like a Jewish executioner for kids it said he has a tiny tiny what are they called

guillotine a tiny guillotine and he plays it you get tied down and everyone three two one

and then it's also and then everyone muzzled up and then the dads have cigars and they're like can I just use that can I ask

why did you get it cut off what's the what a great question good question he says hoping that somewhere in the rhesus of his Jewish

upbringing he will remember I think it's I mean I think it's more interesting to ask a Muslim about this really at this point

no I don't know and I can't remember because my dad did it right just like Dan I mean, I think it's more interesting to ask a Muslim about this, really, at this point. No, I don't know, and I can't remember, because my dad did it, right? Just like Dan's. It must have been some, you know, biblical passage where someone got something lopped off, and he said, do the same to me as you do your son, and that's how religion kind of does. Oh, something will have happened in the Old Testament times where someone got an infection in their foreskin. I'll tell you what it was. And they were like, oh, mate, they need to get God to save them. I remember now.

My dad had a booper. No, I remember. I remember. Abraham had an incredibly oversized foreskin. Tommy. And he... Abraham! Yeah, exactly.

He got... And he got quite a reputation. Well, it was slowing down our people because it was dragging so he had to have a load of people and he invented flight and abraham who begot air travel moses didn't split the sea it was just one abraham's massive get your fucking lilo knob out jews and muslims just sliding on it like they were in a water slide that was

the original division the Muslims got split with the Jews by Abraham's foreskin and they're guys are you a lefty

or a righty and ever since then the Islamic the Islamic here we are back to facts I can tell because of how

Ishan's voice changed. I was giving a fact before and now I remember... Who's your favourite dictator? Yeah, who is your... We'll talk about your favourite dictator in a minute. Yeah, Islamically, Islam is obsessed with cleanliness and a lot of sand got stuck in your dick. Are you saying we're inferior?

Yeah, a lot of sand... You get lots of sandy dick if you have a full skin. Yeah. So you just chop it off and get... Are you saying we're inferior? A lot of sand. You get lots of sandy dick if you have a full skin. Yeah. So you just chop it off. My dad used common sense. The ancient Hebrews and your lot used God as a form of... Because no one wants their dick chopped off. You've got to say it's divine.

Well, yours is divine, I have to say. And I need to stop greeting people at the entrance of the science centre with my dick Simon how was traffic check this out

it's a booper dick so we've done motorways bellends foreskin now now Simon

your career is he our conscience I wasn't ready to stop talking about my privately manicured dick no i mean it is i mean i'm gonna say this is an absolute honor to have you here your comedy career is long and successful not as long as yes the motorway is massive the motorway i don't think i think there should be a special where we just talk about this because this

I don't feel like it's run it's course I didn't think it'd run it's course are we there? Carl is usually right though so what happens when Carl tries to steer the ship away from like Dick Island I in my life no there's more

Dick chat and then I try for a bit more dick chat adam is so belligerent he or i know you're not adam but adam will usually go no we'll keep going and then about five minutes later everyone goes yeah car was spot on there it's almost like he knows what he's doing the gaffer's called it right he's hauled off the dick and he's replacing it with some interview you're going on to halifax tonight i am am. Gigging. Yes. Tour show, warm up. Warming up for the tour, yeah. All right, great. The Troublemaker Tour, which is September through to December,

as long as we're not in the middle of the eighth or ninth wave by then. Feels like we're going to be, don't it? And it's a tour with you as you, as Simon Brogan. It's me as me, which is something that is only just recently happening because you get to talk about other people's dicks more. No, so I've always done stuff in character. People probably know me most as Lee Nelson, Jason Bent, all the stunts.

And this is, yeah, me being me. What made you make that shift because your characters are so well loved and almost every year for the last five or six years you've had a seminal moment whether it's set blatter to his main whatever what made you think right now i just want to go on and talk about dan's dad's foreskin it's a great question that you sort of ruined at the end because he's like well i remember in the second lockdown i was thinking i need to talk about don nightingale's dad's dick lee nelson is just going to ruin that we're going to prove carl wrong okay we can carry on

and we're going to put it at the end of every question and every answer and we'll get down is your father still on this planet okay we'll get him on the bloody phone. I mean, you know, physically. That was maybe him pre-heating before. Maybe not, like, emotionally. No, no, okay. And do you ever chat to him about it? Oh, no.

Oh, we actually chatted. Okay, stop. Stop. Okay, so. Yeah, what made the shift? What made the shift? It just felt like it was the right time. So I've always naturally veered toward the characters.

That was always something. That was the very first time I stepped on stage um why can i ask why i know it's a it's but just as a comic because i work with you you probably won't remember i think we did a gig in putney like 15 years ago maybe yeah and you were doing lee nelson and it was at a time where you and a couple of guys were doing characters but i'd started work at the hyena in newcastle which was it was almost like a d badge jonglers and the character acts that i worked with it was like a thing that you could see was dying like it just the guys there were really safe sort of jonglers character acts and that uh there was like dominic frisbee who's gone on to do good stuff we've talked about

before was doing morris the morris dancer yeah And it was exactly what you think it is. And then you were like sort of my age, a couple of years within my age, and we were at the time like the young wave of comedy. But you chose to do a character, which was unusual, wasn't it? Yeah. Like post-Kitson, post-Rosnoble, where they were the guys, the cooler young guys that were getting success people weren't doing that there wasn't an there wasn't a considered

choice there wasn't a you know a boris shall we remain or shall we leave let's weigh up the options it just felt like that's what i would do that is what i do characters they i you know used to dick around in characters for years and years inhabit a character pretend to be someone like well of course i'll just do that on stage had i known about everyone crashing and burning at the hyena maybe there would have been more of a but to me it just there wasn't uh yeah just what i did did you ever have characters when you uh... Were you ever a practicing doctor? I was a practicing doctor, which brings us nicely back onto chatting about... Specializing in circumcision.

Did you do any private healthcare in and around? There was one young man... Where's my dick? ...age seven. I was work experience at the time. Yeah, that would be weird if you were part of the operation, because I'd have been seven and you'd have been about ten. well there were a lot of clamps needed that day i was the 24th clamp am i still part of this so um yeah because you you're a doctor did you did you practice your

characters then did you ever try and no but out of seeing many doctors came one of my doctor characters and look like all characters they're kind of people who you see as you're living your life and so yeah it was pretty natural i have a doctor character but um yeah and i think part of the questions to why i did characters which i'm only just kind of getting into now is because you know what that felt more comfortable than me going on as myself and that's been the really cool thing about doing all the stand-up recently is what it's been like a whole new thing it's been like starting again it's been it's been insane just the whole how'd you hold the microphone how'd you walk on stage how'd you say hello everything that comes a second nature when you

should be doing stand-up for a while you just forget that the beginning parts of it involve has been that process again i also like if you've never seen like simon do lee nelson i've worked with you at a festival and i i probably watched you i think i was you've worked a lot together jesus no i've worked we've literally worked together about three times in 20 years i'm not even joking but i i watched you because i was intrigued this character thing has always intrigued me right and you literally

were never eight words away from a fucking big punchline and I watched it I was like this is so well done

within the character there's no floor for just there's no pointless backstory you were doing beautifully honed jokes

that fit this character that okay people got the character and you give them the sort of visual signifiers people know you already but there was no wasted words it was beautifully put together punch lines and how are you finding it now as yourself are you still essentially doing those or is it more storytelling are you opening up a bit more? There's definitely more opening up because I wanted everything that I say to not be something that Lee could say. Otherwise, I'm thinking, what's the point of even doing it?

Do you ever slip? Do you ever find yourself at a gig is getting a bit more tricky? For the first handful of gigs, there was definitely just that absolute want to go back into something that i could do the best thing easiest i can liken it to is being suddenly asked to write with your left hand if you're a right hander and you're just you want to grab that pen because you know that you can do it but you've got to keep on trying you know what the letters look like exactly muscle memory is not quite and it's just coming i'm humiliating myself with some a that looks like some i know what some screw so the first

gigs were super hard but like anyone the beginning of stand-up is an apprenticeship and you keep going you get the stage time you get better and you get better and now you know it's good it's great it is great do you feel a bit more vulnerable like because when you've when you've got a well-honed act especially i imagine with the... Is that how I saw your stand-up with Lee Nelson? Is that how you see it? Is that how you prepared it? Or have I...

It just looks so well put together, like joke after joke after joke. I think that it did work compared to other characters that didn't. I know even the comedy store, I was regularly doing weekends there, and we do not have characters. the comedy store like i was regularly doing weekends then like we do not have characters but lee is so three-dimensional in his presence and is also a joke machine so what's there to go

wrong yeah you know yeah and um if it rips it rips exactly like it was never why does that matter it's just gonna make people laugh but yes a hundred percent more vulnerability a hundred thousand percent more vulnerability more vulnerability and part of the reason why i went into characters like in hindsight was because being oneself is so much more exposing and you've got much more on the line as yourself so even when i was smashing the hell out of it as lee and i'd step off stage you know i didn't need time to get into character i didn't think i would just i would be off stage me and then the second i grabbed the michael we've walked on that's lee and then the second i walked off it was back to me so even when i was doing the stuff i never really felt like i owned it it's really weird

to say even when i'd smash the hell out of um live at the apollo whatever yeah i'll step off stage it didn't ever really belong to me this is me my heart's on the line my brain Live at the Apollo or whatever. I'll step off stage and it didn't ever really belong to me. This is me. My heart's on the line. My brain's on the line. My feelings are on the line. I'm stood there being myself.

So it's a whole new... Here's something I find really interesting in terms of the genesis and growth of Simon Brodkin, the stand-up, at a time like this,

which is that now you see a lot of people who are getting quite successful online by becoming characters. So the Moes, Uncle Roger, guest on the podcast, Nigel Ung, they've become characters online

and that seems to be successful. So, you know, I sometimes think, oh, I need to do something online. Should I play a character? Have you found, how's that been for you where you're seeing younger comics go online to become characters

when you've been there there done that the online done it the hard way my hard way mate yeah when i did characters but they literally didn't know in some places like a lot of people have watched lee nelson not knowing yeah and that's a big compliment in some ways but also then everything gets given to Lee all the stunts are that's Lee's that that's me it's me yeah but then but then social media and the quality of the cameras people have got on their phones lends itself to be like I'll just you know a minute long for Instagram or whatever yeah I think what characters are amazing at is burning brightly very quickly because they instantly take you somewhere,

which, let's say, doing a bit of stand-up down the lens just won't. Yeah. So it's like, for me, Lee is like fast food. It's like a nice Domino's pizza. You know, but this feels potentially like it can be a three-course meal. I want my tour. Obviously, you know the great compliment you paid me before about Lee being joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. I will always have that in me.

I've always seen the main role of a stand-up comedian. Let's make him laugh. Let's keep on making him laugh. But I want this to be infused with real thoughts, ideas real you know um challenging ideas i want to be opinions opinions which is a whole new world for me which is exciting genuinely so where can we just because we always do the if you want to see simon but like just at this point that has made me want to see this yeah like so where can we get tickets where so the troublemaker tour is available from simonbrodkin.com uh or go to my social simon brodkin on all the insta and facebook and yada yada selling really well just add a few extra dates

um come is what i would say and that sounds. And we will do, presumably, your dad is going to play some role now. Of course, the restrictions might come in. So we're hoping that if the restrictions come in, God forbid, but my dad has offered his dick as a sort of like awning for outdoor events. Outdoor events, yeah. So if anyone owns a field or acreage.

Simon, what was your favourite? Carl! Carl! Let me finish my dad's dick banter. It's finished. What was your favourite of the stunts you've ever done? That's what I want to know. Yeah, the pranks.

What's your favourite one that you've enjoyed the most? Hey, just to say, he's been asked that question before. I know. And he's never answered questions about my dad's dick. So I want to know Is it the Theresa May one The Blatter one You did one of Goodison

With Everton fans Yeah They're like They're like my children I love all of them No so They've got you a criminal record Yeah

Which one are you proud of Special memories In different police cells Around the world Well the Sep one's probably My most famous one Yeah Where I threw money over sep blatter yeah and that you know obviously was a funny situation i was dragged straight out the room and sep was that when he had this he had the plaster on his face was it it was it it was it quite at that point of his downfall no i got him to that bit oh my god thank you so much i love it

i know we literally talked about russia and china but motherfucker that guy yeah the modern dodgiest cunt going like if if he'd have been born 500 years before so many peasants would have died at his hand instead they're they're dying in Qatar right now. I meant white peasants. I'm not throwing my laughter into that. You just can't laugh at the end of that sentence. SimonBrogman.com is very separate from this banter. Just to say at this moment,

we were both outside the room at the same time because I was booted out and he abandoned the press conference because like there were notes all over the floor and presumably and he knew he couldn't resist he's like take me away from this so we stood outside and um like two naughty school Seb's not worth it. Well, it fucking is. Come on, Seb. You've got more. So we stood outside and like two naughty school children who have both been sent out. Like one of them, you know,

for throwing something in class and the other one for fraud, bribery. And guess which child went to prison? What a lovely private school situation. You've got two kids. One of them's been chucked out for throwing stuff. The other one, fraud, bribery and embezzlement. Did you go in a cell then?

What's that? Did you go in a cell that night? I went in a cell that night in downtown Zurich. And let me tell you this. It was gorgeous. Was there a Crimestoppers number at the time? It was, honestly, it was one of the nicest cells I've ever, I'm not.

Wake up to a lovely ham and cheese. The breakfast alone was worth the criminal record. The Liverpool one wasn't the best. A minute. The city, Manchester city one. Yeah. That was at Goodison park.

It was. Yeah. I might bring out a little guide to guide to Europe's top prison. Yeah, you should. In Zurich, do they cover the food in case anyone jizzed on them oh in case anyone it's a call back to the first section we had we had a conversation about how when i spent a night night in a jail cell they uh covered

the water with plastic like this aluminium foil film and he said just to stop people jizzing in the food yeah but you said the food in zurich was lovely, so was it? But you're doing cool, but I wasn't there for that. You don't need to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jizz on his mind. What cell did you go to in Liverpool? Do you know where you went? No, actually. They tend not to tell you.

Driver? Welcome. Where are we heading, sir? I just want to check on TribAdvisor. Where are we staying? What's the to check on Trib Advisor where I'll be staying what's the food like so I don't know in all honesty I think it was in the

heart of Liverpool probably like Annie Road or something probably around Lampfield there's a prison that we went Annie Road I'm sure the Beatles

have written a song about it probably they let me out they were right bastards they let me out the minute all the last buses, trains, coaches had finished back to London. Went, there you go.

Out you go, lad. Just pitch black. But it wasn't like you weren't, like, aggressive. Didn't you just warm up? What happened? Yeah, why are they being like that if you're not doing anything like... Because they can be dicks. Yeah. And they get to

choose how they treat you and if they like you and know you and think you're fun then they'll do nice things like loosen up your handcuffs and not jizz in your food but if they think that you're a dick and they don't like what you at the cut of your jib then they treat you like crap yeah and let me tell you no prisoner has ever been treated worse than me i have suffered for my pranking is there i mean i'll you know maybe you disclosing it here is not what you want to do but i'll prank still something that you want to do and might do at some point sure once a pranker always a pranker right no of course they're always fun to do i mean having to keep two meters away from people is doesn't it makes it again another uh i have

struggled more than any the real victim of the pandemic especially when set blatter is staying at my house it's really difficult passing him on the landing if only damn it so yeah always look but as yourself is it not because you you've you've traded with these characters these have been your life yeah did that not make it easier to then do the pranks within the characters like you know yeah i mean the jason bent was for the 2026 uh world cup bid He was the ambassador for North Korea. And that was all the money that Sepp was owed. But then the Theresa May one, I mean, that was just me dressed up as a Tory boy.

You know, excuse me, Theresa, this is from Boris. So that, I mean, was that a character? Yeah, it's a bit of a, it was more, yeah. I mean, it was me being posh and... Do you ever just, in the moments before you do it, you've got there, you've planned it, you know what you're going to do, you're obviously quite adept at getting around security

and just sort of charming your way into these situations. Do you ever just get a moment when you know it's about to be go time? You know, like, I've done gigs around the country the country and i love comedy where just as you are about to walk on in like let's be honest paul you think oh fuck or like you just get there like oh i can't be arsed do you have you ever had that with one of these pranks just before trump ah yeah no but you ever like just question yourself and go, maybe I won't do this today. Maybe I don't. No, because the work and the thought and the process

that have gone to just get you next to that person, that is all the effort that's gone in. So to pull out then would be criminal. Do you ever feel in danger, though? Well, the Theresa May one, you can see me handing it to her i'm a little bit nervous i thought in the back of my mind is there a protocol where if you get within a certain distance of the head of state touching that's the queen isn't it of the prime minister of the prime minister uh of the leader of this country.

Is there a sniper? Exactly. In the Tory party conference. Exactly. And I thought, if you are just, there's like a safe zone of I don't know how long.

And I thought, if you break that, it's like, it's a code 16. A code 16. Code 16. I know you picked that randomly,

but I'd love to know What the code 1 to 15 was Code 9 He's got his knob out With his three mirrors Wing him Wing him He's a fucking massive dick

He's either Jewish Muslim Or from Preston Yeah I've never even thought about that Trump is Trump wasn't president At the time

was he was running trump was well trump was afforded once you are one of the two candidates because it's it's a two-horse race um democrat republican you get that you are given you go congratulations you get these goons to follow you around for the rest of your life so um that one that one i wasn't going right up to him and obviously when you're thinking of the stunts and how they're going to play out and whether you can get away with the stuff you know you need to be realistic and know that if you get within a certain distance of some people and do certain things you're getting rugby tackled or shot i was told i was pretty close to being shot that day. Wow.

Yeah, Trump. That isn't, now he's saying it, you're like, yeah. Yeah. Because it's the American presidential candidate. It's a Republican candidate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Trump. Yeah. And so all the thinking was you have to just do this

so there's no bangs and there's no moments where people think you're going to kill someone. Don't give them a Code 16 moment. It's a Code 27 in America. The country you're in just gets nuked. The whole of Scotland. Yeah, there's golf clubs out there. So yeah, it can be scary.

But just before you're like, this is, all the planning's been there. So I remember being, you know, close to Theresa May going, this is it, I've actually managed to get to this moment. So here we go. Woohoo!

And in the aftermath, like, are you written to, obviously there's the judicial system. But I mean, a stern letter. And they're not just, they must have you as like this guy i can't quite pin him with what he's doing definitely being annoying like it's really interesting you say that because there isn't a law for example the goodison park one now i took advice from a lawyer

before that can't be me that just can't be me. It is. Oh, mate, what is going on? What are you about? What is going on? It's on silent. It is on bear witness to this flicking onto silent. I mean... This is honestly, this is a code eight for us.

I'm just letting you know. As long as it's not code 16. One more time. I will hide that in my foreskin. Zip line through the ceiling. This is going off. I'm not a fucking lunatic. I'm going that in my foreskin. Zip line through the ceiling. This is going off. I'm not a fucking lunatic. I'm going to put it on do not disturb.

You think. You think. There we go. It's still going back to Ishan to charge. Do your job. Come on. There isn't a law at Goodison Park. So the Goodison Park one, I took advice from a lawyer.

Happened to be appalling advice. They said, if you go on the pitch, it's fine, as long as you don't interrupt the play. So I made sure I did it before the match. I had plans to score a goal, obviously. But quite the contrary. There is a very, very specific law to stop people going on the pitch, which is a reaction to the hooliganism in the 80s

and so the amount that you can get and the crime committed by crossing by getting out crossing the white line that is actually a big offence but obviously it's not meant to stop someone pretending that

they are being signed by that football club as a in character it's meant to stop someone running on and kicking the out of someone but the system will use those laws how they want them used when they want to bollock someone out exactly so for that one i did get a criminal record um and subsequently no longer deal with that lawyer that's florida fucked thanks mate so um but yeah it's what what do you do there's this guy he's coming on he's throwing money but what is he doing he's not hurting anyone but trespass is the big one because trespass if you're not meant to be somewhere yeah and they know you're not meant to be somewhere and they know you're not meant to be there, they can sting you with that.

Of course. Right. Yeah. Wow. I almost got shot by Sadiq Khan's security detail. What? Oh, we've all been done that. I mean, who hasn't?

I almost got shot by Sadiq Khan's security detail. Right. Nice. I was hosting a wedding, an Indian wedding. What? It was a hotelier in Northampton, his daughter's wedding. I mean, they spent so much money on this. You were hosting his daughter's wedding?

Yeah. Right. So she had, over five days, she had seven different things. Were you doing a really shit job? No, no. Take him down. They had this 2,000-person tent, and it changed themes. I don't know.

Anyone? Anyone? Right. Anyway, so Sadiq Khan on the final day is one of the guests, right? I'll do my hosting, whatever. When the gig's finished, well, not the gig, the wedding,

my hosting is finished, I'm walking back and I have to go past Sadiq Khan. So Sadiq gets up to kind of talk to me, but as he does, he kind of catches his leg on the chair leg. So he falls forward and I go to grab him. to kind of talk to me. But as he does, he kind of catches his leg on the chair leg. Okay. So he falls forward and I go to grab him. And then three of these people from nowhere

just start running towards me, hands on their hips like this. And Sadiq Khan had to be like, like that, like put his hands forward to... Oh my God. I'm getting him a drink. He needs water. Shh.

Wow. What a terrible way to get shot I know of all like global politicians where is Sadiq Khan on that list

pretty low yeah right he's shot to kill shot by do you reckon it's shoot to kill I reckon it's shoot to hurt

I'm pretty surprised that Simon can get within touching distance of the Prime Minister, and he tries to help the Mayor of London and nearly gets shot at the wedding he's been booked for. It's a fucking phenomenon. Apparently, the Sadiq Khan secret service,

not a big fan of Ishan's chat. They did not enjoy my stuff. It would be a headshot, wouldn't it? Huh? It'd be like in the leg, wouldn't it? Yeah, like a rubber bullet to the leg. It would be a headshot, wouldn't it? What? You should have said to leg, wouldn't it? Yeah, like a rubber bullet to the leg. It would be a headshot, wouldn't it? What?

You should have said to them, guys, like just out of interest, like what would you have done? Yeah, just hand shot. Not opening the hand full to the ground. That seems like a perfect point to have a little break and we'll be back with some Haver words. Woo!

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us that's our advert where we appreciate. Now let's get back to the episode. Do you know what I'm saying now? I'm playing the Have a Word music, but actually I've got a question that someone sent in that I want to ask before that. Justin says, Recently celebrated my birthday when my girlfriend booked a night away in Canterbury.

Sadly, her final surprise was cancelled as a bar she had booked with table cocktail magician the guy killed himself the night before. What? That's the best. Now, the reason I like Justin

is that he made no comment on that. Like, yeah, it's a nightmare. Every time we book a weekend away someone kills themselves and we don't get what we booked.

I mean... He he says what's the best stroke worst excuse you've had for blowing out a gig and who's given the best who's giving the best one you've heard of in the industry so excuses for not making the gig what have you done what have you heard for example now adam our beloved uh lost king lid um is suffering from the rona have we seen tests have we seen oh you know why we've seen tests because the promoter he was working for this week with um a famous comedian around the country quite a big tour okay a risky uh booking considering we're in the middle of the biggest spike going was annoyed

to say the least and basically asked for the proof which I just but you know to be fair to the promoter I did say to Adam like when I realised he wasn't having like health anxiety and that he wasn't scared and worried

because his health anxiety is real, isn't it? And I was like, it's pretty... What does he worry about? No, he does have a lot of worry and health anxiety. And I was like, to be fair, great time to test positive for the Rona. About an hour before you set off for Norwich. Like if you are going to get COVID-19,

an hour before you have to drive Liverpool to Norwich in a heat wave is not the worst time. But yeah. What excuses have you given? I saw one yesterday on Twitter, and it was like a Dayton one. Right. So the lad says, hey, sorry for the late reply. Been a manic few days.

How's your weekend been? And she says, is that code for you have a girlfriend to spend the weekend with and he says no it's code for my nan had a stroke i mean if that guy has just got a girlfriend and he couldn't get away to have his affair yeah he's a fucking ninja in terms of impressive work yeah that was i mean i wonder what percentage of excuses are real i mean i've been in a lot of meetings and most of them have been me in the toilet as to why i can't speak on the phone right or i mean i'm wondering what sort of percentage do we think are lie versus truth of the reason why people say they can't so you in a meeting you can't make the meeting because you're having a

shit is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah. Have you ever had a phone call that's too important to put down and then you're like, oh yeah, I've had loads of shit. I've used the mute button mid-shit to be like, this has to happen.

And then you're like, there's a level of human response that they need. So you have to sort of hold everything, unmute and go, oh, that's interesting, go ahead. I have to mute at the clean up because I use a bum gun.

Yes. So I have to. Yes. Thank you. I get a shower because I'm wearing a bum gun, but yeah. A bum gun.

A bum gun. Yeah. So nice to have some southerners on the podcast, isn't it? Do you have bum guns in Runcorn? Do you just have

working class people to splash you? I'm new to the bum gun thing. A bidet. A bidet. I thought we were on the Sadiq Khan story still. No, it's like a tap

on the side of the toilet. You just pick it up and spray your bum. It washes your bum. Oh, so you don't wipe. You wash. Because wiping is for freaks. Yes, wiping.

Thank you very much. But presumably when you're out and about and you don't have your bidet with you because you're trying... It's very, very, very rare that I have to shit in public. I have to get a shower after I have a poo.

He has like a little spray bottle, you know, for like naughty dogs. Mate, you know the Evian I piss in? Pour that out, fill up with some water. What was your uncle? You're a sexy man. We're just clean men, Ishan. That's all.

We're just clean men. Yeah, we are. Our arseholes are always ready. Yeah. For whatever. But if you're a guest at Ishan's house house don't wash your mouth out with the weird tap that's all i'm saying oh this is handy it's right in there no don't stick the tap in me there's a bit of distance i was just being silly don't get all anally defensive

wow okay um and you're probably, environmentally speaking, ahead of the game here. Yeah, because you're not using paper. You're not using paper, absolutely. Although you're wasting a lot of water. And you're having a bidet. I did think... That's quite a lot of work.

I did think that... What you should do, there should be like a flush on the toilet. There is in Japan. That's why I've done it. Oh, the Japanese. When it comes to toilets, the Japanese are ahead of the game. Fair fucking's why I've done it oh the Japanese when it comes to toilets that's why it's

changing the world the Japanese are ahead of the game fair fucking play they've done it again first it was heated then the bidet which is part of

the flushing system what will be next I'm guessing edamame in the rim man used to make noises so you couldn't hear you doing the toilet

what kind of noise it's like give me a hi just like just like environmental? It's like, give me a hi-ya. Just like environmental noises. Give me a hi-ya. Yeah. Environmental noises?

Like a wash. You're like, shh. Shh. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, do that again. Shh. You know what I mean? No, like Japanese noises.

Like, oh. Japanese noises. Like, everybody like everybody was watching me. The toilet sounded horrifiedly. No, it was just like environment noises, just like white noise. Oh, as in like birds chirping? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it'd heat your bum and it'd clean it and dry it.

An asthmatic Japanese man being horrible. That's bad for pretending you're in a meeting, which is the in-mute. Am I a guest? Are you outside i was just making white noise you know what i mean whatever you want is that to stop other people in the house it was called privacy setting so it was like privacy i mean when you pass the button you know they're having a poo but like

so okay there's a different sense it's all about some privacy he they're having a poo, but like... Okay. There's a different sentence. Carl wants some privacy. He's gone to a rainforest to have a shit. Presumably everyone in the house knew because it was the white noise you take and a shit sound. You didn't hear the plop? Yeah. Okay, what noise would you want to be your soundtrack for when you shit? That's the question.

The German national anthem. Deutschland, Deutschland, Hubert! That's amazing. Every World Cup. anthem every world cup right up until like the quarter finals you have to choose a national anthem

Carl gets like a weird PTSD IBS like God what's happening I'm looking forward to this game and all of a sudden

I need a shit sorry probably Pokemon theme tune Pokemon theme tune going Japanese yeah Simon what are you

going for what's the soundtrack in yours Uber Alice is going to be hard to beat. Let's have a think. EastEnders, I think. Which bit though?

Your timing wouldn't need to be great to hit the drums. Because you're putting a lot of pressure on that Uber Alice. Yeah. I still do the joke in my household and my wife god bless her I can tell she loves me because

she still thinks the Laura asked me what my favourite colour is and then she goes oh god what's your favourite colour and I time it

with my first strain of the poo by going navy blue like that because a late I just heard a late night joke when I was about 17

what's the Scottish TV presenter that made it in America he's oh yeah yeah and he did this joke about two women shitting in Debenhams

right and one was like what colour was that dress and it was built up for ages and you didn't see the punchline going I thought that turquoise was lovely on you

which one do you mean though oh it's delightful the second one you tried and the punchline come i thought that turquoise was lovely on you which one do you mean though oh it's delightful the second one you tried and the punchline was just oh you mean that one that was and it was just a stupid old lady shitting joke and i on my own and must have been on channel 5 when i was about 17 i laughed so hard that I am still doing that joke with my family. And I have made my four-year-old daughter do the punchline. Does she do the same thing? If she goes to the toilet

and because she's four, she goes, I'm not going for a poo! So I've gone, Etta, what's your favourite colour? And then she goes, pink. And I go, no, no, no. Say, navy blue.

And she's done it. Not far off. That's impressive. Probably not timed it right but think what you could have taught her with the amount of hours that you spent Spanish

but that's not the point is it Steve Steve what are you going for what's your soundtrack soundtrack yeah soundtrack for your poo

what have we got EastEnders Pokemon Pokemon he just wants the sound of editing the first section of this podcast that's

I don't know if we go national anthem I'd probably go Italy before Germany though not Spain because there's no word so I'd be a bit anti-climax

do you know the Italian national anthem Vittorio Angeloni tweeted about it on the final and he was like this is the game between the best national anthem

in the world and the worst yeah yeah yeah and I want he was such an antagonist as a Catholic Ulsterman who is Italian heritage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, he was unbearable on Twitter, but he was spot on with that.

The Italian national anthem is an absolute... Da, da, da, da, da, da. Yeah, not that one. And the band can never get it in tune with the fans and the players. No one's ever singing at the same time. I'm essentially an anti-royalist atheist, and it doesn't speak to me all that much. Or just some Japanese environmental toilet sounds.

And everyone would do actions in the... Or just some Japanese environmental toilet sounds. Yeah. We'd get you going. And everyone would do actions in the... No, I... You know, do you remember when phones got, like, a little bit more advanced, about three or four years after they got... And then you could record your own text message sound? Yeah. It would be amazing if when you got your Japanese toilet,

you could record it, like, on record settings, when you weren't having a shit, and just record it and be like, wow, that's a fucking massive shit, lads. So every time you went for a bit of shit, the Japanese show, they went, wow,

lads, that's fucking massive. I'm going to struggle to get into that, lads. Jesus Christ, mate. I'll do the Laurie reversing sound and then

Steve Chaniaskis and you dump out and you dump out reversing a transit van punchline fuck me boys what was the question I don't care oh worst excuse

the worst excuse mine's not an excuse so basically the first time I did any tour support for Hal Cruttenden it was down in Devon and I got stuck in traffic not too dissimilar to you got it was awful took about seven hours to get there so hal had to open his own show i did a middle 20 and then he came back and died for another 40 oh my god he said this story at this thing we were doing with him and sarah minnick and jason

manford both said if you were late to ours we're trying to turn back immediately oh really yeah they said we would tell you to turn back immediately we'd pay you maybe but i suppose as a support that is yeah i mean i'm a late person so um um you know it does feel a little bit like crying wolf today when I turn up on a podcast where you are late you don't you shouldn't be candid enough to be like I feel like when I'm giving an excuse I'm hearing myself hearing myself and going i bet you this person's thinking i'm lying yeah and then you start saying too much and so yeah the other day don't add any more layers to that because then it's just inception you don't need that i'm so the other day there were you remember that well you probably won't remember because you don't live there but you might remember the massive

when it just the deluge of rain yeah right so i was pretty i just about got to this little festival in time last year right because that's what i do yeah and this year i was getting there just about in time right and all set to leave and then the huge deluge of my parents house in london nearly flooded but you try telling that to the guy who you nearly missed his show for last year yeah my my parent there was rain and my parents house nearly flooded and i had to go and it's somewhere he is and i'm just hearing him thinking he's lying mate he's lying yeah all of these stories of lateness usually it's uh it's gigs in devon and it's gigs in norwich and but actually this is a sneaky underestimated gig you can be very late for the gig where mentally you just think it's around the

corner right yeah because when it's devon there's so much opportunity for you to get stuck in traffic yeah when it's 45 minutes an hour away you sort of give it the respect it deserves by going that's 45 minutes an hour i need to set off yeah when it's a gig where you live you're like i know it's 45 minutes an hour away, you sort of give it the respect it deserves by going, yeah, that's 45 minutes an hour away. I need to set off. When it's a gig where you live, you're like, ah, I know it's stage time at 8 o'clock and I know it's like seven minutes to 8, but it's just around the corner

and that's not how it works. So I've been late for gigs where I have literally no reason to be late for. Like gigs where I can walk from door to door and i'm still like sorry about that guys i don't know where the time went so yeah they're sneaky annoying do you like being at gigs early because a lot of comics love it and i i just i want to my idea will be get out the car close the door walk in on on that but people love soaking up the vibes danny danny max like that and i can't do it.

He will never drive me to a gig. We live around the corner from each other and he was like, oh mate, I'll be there at 22. I'll be there at 10 too and we got there two minutes before his stage time, 15 before mine and it gave me bad anxiety.

I like half an hour. Just half an hour. I don't feel like I'm robbing myself of any day. Half an hour is probably the same for me. It's probably not enough but it makes you look semi-sensible yeah i don't want to be the cunt who's walking straight in because it will go wrong that half an hour gives you such a lot of wiggle room like for most bits of traffic and whatnot it's um i mean that's i don't have tour support in my my new tour because I know I can't miss the start

of my show because I am the show yeah but isn't that not tempting to be like listen if I'm not there it's not starting

actually that's a I've just realised it's a really dick logic because I should have a tour I should have a no because they

would get there on time they would start and that yeah but I would see Simon Brock in live the support I did

an hour and 40 minutes and then apologised for Simon and we all went home Jason Manford in Blackburn sorry mate I was going to say

Simon's new character is a big tall Asian guy with a beard really good he really changed the game Jason Manford had to buy everyone at the theatre

in Blackburn a drink oh yeah jimmy carter he managed to get him so like jason manford is one of the best eggs in comedy and like i'm sort of not surprised that he said that about tour supports to hal crutton done about if they're late they need to go home yeah because they're experienced and whatever and sarah millican as friendly as she is doesn't fuck about she you know but also Jason's a sound guy so knew he'd inconvenienced

the crowd was going to be 45-50 minutes late and bought everyone at the theatre around and it cost him like 12 grand

or something phenomenal you've got Jason Manfred money you can do that can't you no I don't think so I don't think I think 12 grand

you're going to notice it isn't it when the accountant's like there seems to I think 12 grand, you're going to notice it, innit? When the account says, like, there seems to be a 12 grand drinks tab in Blackburn. On my budget, I would have been like, Simon is running about 20 minutes late. Can eight people grab a drink?

Fight to the death. Survival of the fittest. Ding dong. Simon has been delayed further. Every audience member is allowed one bag of frazzles one bag of frazzles between two between two

we've just made it please put the frazzles back right let's do some have a words it feels like we should we always should Carl does it feel like

we do have a words begrudgingly on this podcast we like get to the end and we're like oh we need to do these sometimes but yeah let's fucking do it Kai Anderson says can you guys have a word on this podcast we like get to the end and we're like oh we need to do these sometimes but yeah

kai anderson says can you guys have a word with the fucking idiots giving people a hard time for still wearing a mask fine if you're not into it but can you just let the people who feel they want to get on with it you don't know their situation so don't be a twat and say something that's from kai anderson Imagine being like that. I mean, this whole mask wearing and the pandemic and the deaths and the destruction that it's causing is horrendous. But imagine feeling that this podcast should be the main outlet for your frustration with the pandemic. But it's got to that point.

Can you imagine how many people that Kai has written to? Honestly. No one will. Please. Number 10. Just try and have a word. Try and have a word. Public Health England.

No response. My ombudsman. I don't even know the email. But it's so tempting to do that with a lot of the emails. People are having genuine life dramas. But then you can't do that because they're going to go, I'm not going to email them, cunts. That's true.

We are the number one place for all coronavirus and all health issues in general, even emergencies. This is the next one. Lids, I've found a lump. Can you advise? I mean, for us to stay away from... So I don't know where you're at with masks but I was

even on Monday's record on the first day of Freedom Day which can suck all of my flaps I of which I was like I'm going to wear a mask they've been sucked off I

I was so adamant I was like I'm going to wear the mask because you know it's no skin off my nose I don't mind it I don't want to get this again I did a gig last night and couldn't be arsed and there was a young people and i didn't want to look like the pensioner at the gig yeah and then today as we got in i was carrying a fan and a bag and i was like

it's so much easier to not put it on and i think my resilience has just washed away i mean i will just say a bit serious i will say there are lots of people out there who are severely immunocompromised. They might have cancer. They might have other stuff. If you don't wear a mask, those people die, basically. That's basically the truth. So, hang on.

Hang on. I had a fun in one hand. If they don't wear a mask. If you don't wear a mask. If you don't wear a mask around immunocompromised people. Are they wearing a mask, though? They're not going out at the moment. That's part of the big thing, is a mask around immunocompromised people are they wearing a mask though they're not going out at the moment that's part of the big thing is a lot of immunocompromised people i make a point of not hanging out with immunocompromised people don't go to that i'm

ill i'm a cancer they don't do cocaine who hasn't just don't cough in the latter box of anyone with cancer yeah don't do that and don't for don't kiss people that don't want to be kissed because they might be immunocompromised speaking of which are people snogging in clubs anymore does that happen yeah does it it happened before

I don't know if it happens now the 19 year olds that were out on Monday when I was out in the nightclub weren't keen were they not they weren't keen I kept leaning in

they were they were like young women crying and then like going to bounces and being like I'm immununo compromised.

I imagine. Cause you had your mask on mate. And then the police came over. Yeah. I had my mask on. Oh, cut in the middle. They didn't even like being grabbed.

Um, but that's probably cause of pandemic. Uh, I don't know. Like what? Simon Brogan had nothing to do with that last section. Everyone who did not enjoy that gets a free bag of frazzles from from jason manfred jason manfred's frazzles if you felt awkward at dunn's

me too banter um yeah maybe they're not maybe they're a bit reticent maybe i don't know are people snogging anymore i've not snogged in a long time certainly you can't i think you're ahead of your years mate you shouldn't need to ask that when you're like 60 or 70 not when you're 80 does anyone snog in nightclubs anymore do you do kissing what you do are the young people necking in disco

decks are they using one another if you're 19 can you tell us what the nightclub chat's like yeah what is it oh okay Carl's got a bit of the old fingering action going on If you're 19, can you tell us what the nightclub chat's like? Yeah, what is it? What is it? Oh, okay. Carl's got a bit of the old fingering action going on. Are you going to cut to you doing the finger sign,

or do we want Ishan to explain? Wow, you've got an unusual... I used to go to these. That's the right way to do it. G-A-Y. Is anyone... You used to come hither. Have you got arthritis from your bowling days?

It's come hither. Do you mean you go two middle? Oh, sorry. Two middle. I saw three fingers fingers and i was like you've hung out with someone trying to get the last packet of crisps from the vending machine that's stuck you haven't got two middle fingers they do look unusual shapes i have to say i'm a doctor and i will be phoning i will be

bleeping my consultant if you came in right. That's some... That is unusually spread. Is it? I'd say you've very thick fingers. Wow, show the camera. I've got very thick fingers. Jesus. She'd be a big girl.

Is that unusually spread, Simon? I would say there's some unusual spreading there. What about this? That's just fucked up. What do you mean? Yeah. I mean, they're bendy.

There's two different directions. Yeah. You get thrown out of the Crips. West side. Fuck off. We're not that far west. In the sea. California swimming.

Right. So fucking stupid stupid This has been Even though Adam's not been here Reassuringly Stupid Daft Yeah One more

One more It's your call Carl Let's do One more One more One more One more One more

One more Casey says Oh this one oh oh he stays the best till last baby this one got me a little bit fucking revved up casey says here we go morning morning lids can you have a word with my boyfriend who is refusing to get a bit rough with me in the bedroom oh i don't want to get battered or anything i just want him to be a bit more forceful slap my ass pin me down right little bit this is my favorite sentence little bit of a strangle mid shag nothing too no not clapping like she's autistic um nothing too heavy i know he loves me and everything and he's a lovely guy but sometimes a girl wants to get a good scene too this this definitely sounds like a genuine woman writing in because if there's one

thing that women are struggling with it's for men to be a little bit aggressive toward them during set it's the one area you hear from countless women can he just be a bit more aggressive? This is a minefield, though. Simon, this was the wrong time in the pod to take a moral stance. If you are trying to... I will take it! If you're trying to put a woke fucking cherry on this rotten cherry bakewell, I reject you, sir. Actually, I reject this, actually. Can I just say, guys, the last 90 minutes

has been an infringement on me and all I stand for. As a doctor. So I was questioning its validity. Okay, yeah. Casey sounds like a woman's name. I don't know what... I don't know. I think you've just got to take it as read.

I mean, if someone is having a bit of fun with us. Okay, you're right. I just did. I mean, but there is, sometimes we get emails where I think people are trying to have a go at other people. So I vet some of these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there is an element of good faith about it. Okay, let's do that.

I can sniff out the, there's ones where you're like, could you, we had these two mates trying to get us to fuck with each other and they basically tried to do the similar email within about five days of each other. You're like,

guys, I think you might have discussed this banter and you both had the same shit idea and it shows, but on a lot of these, I'm like,

you've just got to sort of take it. I've got an email from someone saying my girlfriend wants me to strangle her during sex and I don't know what to do I think this is legit I think this is a legit

thing anyway this is also like it's this is tricky this is tricky yes I've

I've I hello so let me give you my full attention order I just shagged a fellow to your party

order order you I've got I've got two two things to tell you on this give you my full attention Order! I just shagged a fella Order! I've got two things to tell you on this. I'm not another Asbo No, no, no. So one of them I don't know if I've told you the BDSM story, have I? No. Oh dear Right, so Simon, are you alright with this? Because I know this could be

contentious for you and I cannot see what can go wrong Three blokes discussing why women need to be treated rougher off you go basically met this girl at a leaving do we exchanged numbers i wasn't working at the bank at the time and we were both quite busy but we were texting one another and the text became quite sexual and the sexual was bdsm she was into like spikes and like really serious bdsm stuff to running she was

legion of doom so i'm not really into bdsm it's not my thing so i was googling stuff and what's happening then holy shit i would have loved to see you dressed as a banker after work tight first few buttons undone young ishan going bdsm i'm gonna put this in a spreadsheet so i've got all the information okay so uh which green level amber level an amber spank babe do you want an amber spank? So then we met up two weeks later and started talking about the messages that we'd sent one another. And she started saying, oh, I'm getting quite turned on.

Like, keep talking. This is really hot. Did you Google that? Hang on. Hang on. Let me just let Google talk to you. It was a bit like that. Because I was like, what did I say to her?

Let me try and remember all the stuff. So we had like, just in talking, nipple clamps and paddles and all sorts. You're getting me moist right now. My flops have grown back. So we're going there. She's like, I think she brought like a little bullet with her or something. So she turned the bullet on. Yeah.

So she's like, keep going, keep going. I'm going to come. Yeah. What else is she saying? Was she saying it like that? Yeah. Not quite, right? And then I went, and then i'm gonna

headbutt you all right zinabine she got up blocked me and left how many relationships have you had ended with your penis inside a woman like was this on the phone? No, this was in person. In sex? On top of Temple Station. Right. Overlooking the Thames, just talking. Okay, but you'd revved her up? Yeah.

Did you say she blocked you before she left? Huh? She blocked you before she left. She got up and she goes, headbutt, that's so violent. I'm like, I don't know. So you said you wanted to headbutt her? Yeah, at the end. You moron. Right, but I didn't know. You said, so you said you wanted a headbutt, huh? Yeah, at the end.

You moron. Right, but I didn't know what to say. So what is it? And then I'm going to pin you down. Yeah, I'm going to pin you down. And then I'm going to spank you because you've been naughty. Yeah, I've got my hands around your neck. And then I'm going to smack your head in.

And then I'm going to smack you with these. And then I'm going to break your fucking leg. And then your arse is red because I'm spanking you with the paddle so fucking hard. It's like, oh yeah, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? Then I'm going to headbutt you. Then I'm going to slide tackle you and break your cruciate ligament.

I'm going to tackle you so hard you're not going to be available for international selection. Six months off. Wow. Women don't want that because they love playing at the Euros. Don't headbutt your girlfriend.

Don't threaten to. That's good advice right there. Do you know, Casey's, this is, I'm so glad you sent this in but there's nothing we can do yeah because if you have found a guy that you love yeah and you're with him but you're a little you've got a little bit of that kink in you and if he is a nice vanilla guy you aren't going to be able to teach him to do it properly set up your own get a belt

tie it around your neck across either side of the bed make that choke you okay let him do what he needs to do i don't because he's not strangling he just sounds like a nice guy he does you can't you can't be like and now spangling he's like ah naughty maybe to give him a reason to be genuinely angry. So rather than being a sexual thing, he's like, you fucking... So I don't know what this guy's into, but whatever his hobbies are, cut him up.

Or if he's a really nice guy, I don't know what really nice guy, I don't know, like... I think you're onto something. Mid-PlayStation game. Mid-PlayStation game. They're playing Call of Duty, you can feel the

energy and she just naked turns it turns it off hide his glasses right right or break one of the lenses or something because i don't think there's going to be much to niggle this guy then he lego brick before he gets onto the bed just if you want like you won't blame her for that you need something that she is responsible for but if you you want... Have an affair with his brother. Brother, yes. Don't hide his glasses, though, because if you want someone to be rough with you, you need them to be able to see what they're doing, because otherwise he's going to start spanking your ankle or something.

Agree a safe word. Right. Allahu Akbar is normally quite good. I find that really offensive. What did you say? Kill his mum, Karl? Push his mum down the stairs Push his mum down the stairs That'll get him horny

That'll piss him off So if I hear someone shouting Aloha That normally is something It's a sexual thing And then an explosion Yeah, get really rough Blow up Junction 15 on the M6.

On the A50, it's... That was just a sex game gone wrong. I mean, you know you've come hard when there's a Citroen Saxo. Just ashen. And we're now getting into good excuses as to why you didn't get to the gig. Yeah.

I broke my partner's leg on ejaculation. Right. This is descended exactly how it should. Simon, it's been a fucking pleasure having you on. You were absolutely worth the wait. I'm glad you put up with one of the hottest days in British history to get to us. So we can get you at SimonBroken.com.

SimonBroken.com.onbrodkin.com tickets troublemaker tour um come please um ishan thank you pleasure absolutely you've been a mate it's not easy doing the thing that you do with adam rowe and we've done it so much in a year and a half i was a little bit wary but ishan's made it so easy so thank you to Eshan my pleasure as ever and you Dan thank you for making me

feel welcome thank you for making me feel welcome we spent the last five minutes just licking each other's arses Dan you were fucking unbelievable you were so funny you were great

Eshan and what about the producer can I just say no fuck Steve yes we can bully Steve now not Finn if you want more of this bullshit

can I just sorry pull up I said licking each other's arses it's kissing each other I went no we can lick is licking is that an expression yeah we've done it

to lick your arses yeah no that is that's okay yeah yeah yeah brown nose in Jesus not today though let's wait for midwinter. And if you want more of this bullshit,

yeah, that's really against social distancing. Wear a mask. That's what the 19-year-olds are doing in nightclubs. They're licking each other. I need to end the podcast. I have tit tears. He has to go to Halifax. We are not beating Ejaculation Alu Akbar.

Shut the fuck up. New Adam. Sign up at patreon the fuck up. New Adam. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod for more of this nonsense. We love you guys. That's been an amazing one.

Thank you for watching. Adam, get well, lid. Khuda hafiz. Alo akbar. Go ahead.