Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #132 with Rosie Holt - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

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Go sign up now, pause it here, sign up, and then come back to this episode. It's going to be a belter. Everyone ready? Yes. No, honestly, be ready, because when I go, I go. Have you started? I've gone I did not know you'd gone

welcome are you alright? you? yeah I'm in a really good mood it's going to be a long day today, up at 10.6 teething fucking toddler, not toddler, baby and then we've got this all day proper full public

and then we've got a gig together and then i'm going to close the frog and i've had half a daffodil half a daffodil just see a little performance enhancing drugs because i don't turn up to these not ready to play like a russian athlete at the olympics well i've had two paracets i'm on three poos this morning oh my god same that's how you prep isn't it same as that's how you prep yeah like a fucking greyhound at the Olympics. Well, I've had two paracetsamol and three poos this morning. Oh my God. That's how you prep, isn't it? It's the same as a metaphor. That's how you prep. Yeah.

Like a fucking greyhound at the dog track. He's looking good in lane two. Just shits himself. Three full poos. This fucker. What? Three, like, poos.

No. No. Like, start to finish and a poo. Drink some water right now. No, because I'm worried. I don't want to see you dehydrate. Like a fucking...

It's not being ideal. Yesterday we went for a little walk around town. No, is it? Three poos isn't ideal, is it? No. No. Before the AM. Or in the AM.

Before the AM. Before me bloody cocoa pops. Oh, wrong cereal to choose, guys. Apologies. Yeah, I've just... I felt a bit like fucking a big bag of shite for the past sort of day. We went for a little walk around town yesterday

when my car was getting its MOT done. And it just wiped me out. And then I felt sick last night, couldn't eat, threw up on the street like a fucking smackhead. It's just being shit. I felt worse last night than I felt at any point when I actually had COVID. And I woke up today

and I'm just tired. Yes, from all that shitting, Adam. Yeah. I woke up in the night four times for a poo as well. So since midnight, I've had seven shits. That's not normal, is it?

Finn, can you pull up COVID body? I don't know if that's what they're calling it. I haven't had seven poos this week. That's mad. You've had seven poos in the last 11 hours. Are you not that regular? I have a poo a day probably. You're such good best friends

that he takes some of your poos for you. Yeah. That's nice, isn't it? We're also wearing the same fucking outfit. I knew you had to mention it, Carl. It's on your, it was on your mind. We haven't been sponsored by Lost Art.

We just both bought stuff yesterday. If we could be, then it's my favourite brand, please. Shout out Lost Art. Shout out any clothes company that don't make shite that want to send us some stuff I'm a large

these titties getting bigger maybe XL I don't know that's up to you shout out to Kim Shepard who sent us some crisps absolutely apropos of fucking nothing

apropos apropos of nothing apropos it's just a turn of phrase apropos just try not to shit yourself for a fourth time this morning what is diarrhea like in COVID-19

we've got actual Fucking stats Get that sexy towel going Oh because I can't Just hear about the poo I need to read them Thank you What is diarrhea like In COVID-19

Well In one part of West Derby It's fucking biblical It says tummy What website's this Oh it's COVID joy zone For me I'm not reading anything I'm believing it says tummy T What website's this? Oh, it's COVID Joy Zone. For me, I'm not reading anything

and I'm believing it says tummy. Tum Tums. This is the internet for five-year-olds. Tum Tums get very sore sometimes and then you do

an owie poo several times. You can't do COVID poos? COVID-19 can be transmitted through poo. What? Yeah.

How? I mean, you're not in contact with anyone else's poo. I make a, honestly. Let's say I shit on the floor and you come in and rub it all over your face. Yeah. How? I mean, you're not in contact with anyone else's poo. I make her, honestly. Let's say I shit on the floor and you come in

and rubbed it all over your face. Yeah. You could catch it. But I've stopped doing that, you know? Because I think, I just think you turn 35 and you've got to make

some changes in your life. The shit on the floor, you'd win that. Is that shit? Let me just check with my face. Rah, rah, rah, rah, rah. No. How would you do that?

Unless you're into, this is too rough, too early in it, but. It's an early sign of COVID, which means Adam's had COVID since he was four years of age. It's an early sign.

If you were, you're ground zero. I've got AMO's at COVID-19. Your arsehole is ground zero. Yeah. I think we've known it for a long time. Fucking Chinese scientists

are going to be like, wow, what's going on? All right. time fucking chinese scientists are gonna be like wow what's going on all right i'm a chinese scientist i've just felt a bit rough i'm a west yorkshire asian chinese scientist sorry they're strong days oh drop the only washing off today at a washing and ironing service okay yeah can't be asked anymore right trying to keep on top of washing and ironing and folding and stuff when i do the recycling uh every third time i do the recycling i think of you going i just these bins fill up after three days i mentally that fits in i think with how the watchers the fans the listeners

sort of deep like that makes sense that you've gone big fucking bin liner four bin bags of dirty washing I had all under the stairs

so I just yeah I dropped them all off the woman nearly had a fucking stroke when I walked in I walked in and went I've got some washing for you she went yeah how much

I was like four bin bags full it's actually three bin bags. And you know a big Primark bag? The big white ones with four handles. Yeah. Yeah. So one of them full of clothes.

And I went, yeah, there's four of them. She went, we're not going to have these done until Monday or Tuesday next week. Oh, my God. And do you want to collect them? Or do you want us to drop them off? It's a two pound delivery fee. And I was like, you can drop them off.

Literally. That, what do they call it laundrettes are looking at you the same way your chinese takeaway look at you like mike he's in again the fucking pension scheme back do you pay by the kilo or something yeah i think you pay uh it's good undies them yeah they're strong pure uncut adam Rowe undies I wouldn't be rubbing that anywhere near you I've got COVID now and that was from before

quick callback but I'm capable of that just check your phone yeah roll reverse I got bitches all over so yeah

I've dropped all my clothes off and until Monday I've got like four t-shirts. Right. And anything else? What day is it? Well, that's an issue, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm going to have to wash. I'm going to have to do me washing because someone else is doing me washing. You're having way too many plops and you've got way too many t-shirts. Not enough t-shirts. How much underwear did you leave yourself? I've got loads of undies. You double up on that like a holiday underwear did you leave yourself I've got loads of undies you double up on that like a holiday don't you

I've got loads of undies and socks now is that a policy yeah I just constantly buy it yeah like every time I go to town

well not every time but most times I go to town I just get like a load of new undies and socks so there's always plenty same

right do you take like 16 pairs I never do that and it makes total sense I go i need to buy some more socks and make a mental note and then when i'm in a shop or you know i don't i don't every time i go well what have we gone out for today bread uh we need some lettuce tomato undies obviously just throw them in like i've never done that i i've got so many socks and undies that like if I had them all clean

I would not have to clean them for like three months I've got like 90 pairs of undies and 90 pairs of socks would you if you if you collected all of that over the course of three months

yeah or fucking less if you've you know covid arse if you plop that bin liner down at the laundrette

would you be like I'll be honest love I'm gonna tip you A little bit extra This is time and a half You can't give You can't give a bin liner of Three months of undies and knickers

Over and be like Same price If anything That's gotta be danger money The undies is easier Because they don't have to iron that Oh that's true Yeah

So fuck them Right Yeah Kirstie Fuck you i think you'll know you've changed when you're like kirsty you lazy bitch these aren't even iron these kicks but i don't think i'm ever gonna wash or iron any of my own clothes again now that i know that this thing exists and you can just be like deal with that twat um that's what it's called oh it's called twats we deal with that

you twats oh right deal with that drop it off at me house here's your two quid shove it up your arse put it in an apple fuck off

that's not bobbing for apples that you just described there stick it in a four pound two pound shove the apple up your arse happy Halloween you piv and now you've got covid last day of October

Dan do you take loads of bills away when you go on Aldi for like two days what do you take like 50 pairs happy Halloween, you perv. And now you've got COVID. Last day of October. Dan, do you take loads of bills away when you go on Aldi for like two days? What do you take, like 50 pairs? Do you do that? Bills?

Underwear. Do you not call your undies bills? No. And now you've said it, I'm like, I think I'm aware of that. Do you call it bills? What do you call it?

Under kegs. Kegs. What about kegs? Kegs. What about kegs? Kegs are your pants. What? Kegs are like jeans, aren't they? Your jeans are your kegs. Oh, God, we've lived different lives, us guys.

But if you go away for like two days, you take like five pairs? I overpack. Yeah. Yeah, always. In case you shoot yourself every day. I take two pairs of undies for every day and two spares. So I can change my undies twice a day and then I can poo myself twice across the holiday so how many do you

take on a two week holiday I think when you're asking this question though 30 I don't think take a suitcase

full of undies I would take 30 pairs of undies yeah he takes Kirstie with him come on Kirstie there's your two quid get it on your back

like a fucking mule yeah I don't think when you're asking about the how many underpants shouldn't be asking bills

yeah he's one of them he's gonna fuck the stats he's the anomaly yeah I don't think when you're asking about how many underpants shouldn't be asking him bills yeah he's one of them he's gonna fuck the stats he's the anomaly he is and that is a nice way of saying

he's a 2x plus 2 that's my formula a liberal plopper that's my undie formula I honestly if I'm going away for a weekend gig in

you the way I pack for a week on holiday there's next to no difference I just like if I'm away for three nights I'm like throw some underpants throw some socks the way I pack for a week on holiday, there's next to no difference. I just like, if I'm away for three nights,

I'm like, throw some underpants, throw some socks. You need them for the day when you're going out with the other comics, having lunch or walking around. Then you need a new pair for when you go to the gig. Yeah.

Cut two or three. See, if I'm driving to a gig, why am I, when people are like, God, you've got a lot of, like,

you look a dick when you get into like the, the hotel or whatever. Say you're doing the Birmingham Glee. You look a bit of a bellum when she are like god you've got a lot of you look a dick when you get into the hotel or whatever say you're doing the Birmingham Glee you look a bit of a bellum when she's like you're here for three nights and you've got

fucking I take coat hangers I've just got shirts t-shirts and then I just put them on the little hook at the back yeah

I throw some shoes so you look a bit of a dick but you're driving short on a train you've got to get it you've got to get it down if you're going through London on the train I try and get it into one bag yeah yeah you've got to get it down. If you're going through London on the train,

I'd try and get it into one bag. Yeah. Yeah, I always try and get it into one bag or suitcase. You don't want to have three bags to fight off terrorists. Like, fuck off. You know what I think about that? Yeah. But get in the way, though.

What? Get in the way. Yeah, one bag. What? What? What? And he's like, would you stop a terrorist if you saw one?

No. What do you know? I don't even think I'd even grass him in, if you saw one no what do you know I don't think I'd even grass him in just in case I got fucking you know you're on the list I don't I'm so worried about being perceived as racist

that I don't think I'd even dob a terrorist in it could literally be the full garb like literally visually the most hack terrorist ever like dynamite but and I'd be like I don't want to be the gammon

that fucking what if he was white what what if he was white a white terrorist a white terrorist fuck off what really white terrorist with a what coventry accent coventry why would someone in the midlands be a terrorist for london well why Because he's pissed off with the socioeconomic disproportionate distribution of wealth. Nearly! Nearly nailed it!

I didn't nail it! You didn't. Disproportionate distribution of wealth. Disproportionate distribution of wealth? What's wrong with that? That doesn't make sense.

Fuck the lorries. I nailed it. You tripped over on it. It was good. I'm just giving you I'm going to only give you an 8.5 for that imagine he's got an old

Coventry shirt on an old Cov he's still pissed off that Mustafa Haji's retired yeah that the Rico Arena's owned by a fucking rugby team I like to think

that I'd be like you know like Jordan 9-11 there was that plane that they reckon was head of the White House yeah and they overtook it and they crashed it

into a field what are you looking at i literally cannot wait for what you're about to say i'm excited so you're on that sir you have my full attention what do you think you'd have been like on that plane i reckon i'd have ran on him him there's about five of them wasn't it yeah well i had a word with the people at army and being like, we can fucking take this plane back and just crash it. That's what they did? Yeah. I reckon I'd have been the leader of that.

Oh. Why are you looking at me like that? I reckon you'd have gone in the cockpit and landed it and flown it back to the airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't be that hard. It cannot be that hard, especially if you've got the guy on the phone going,

right, here's how you do it. He knows where all the buttons are. Yeah. It can't be that hard to if you've got the guy on the phone going right here's how you do it he knows where all the buttons are yeah it can't be that hard to just fly the plane

to the nearest like field or airport and just land there so what so what happened one went into

the pentagon two went into the towers yeah but one allegedly shut up you fucking

nana hemophilia can't call me a nana with a yellow top on oh my god that's the color of nanas this is orange anyway is it yeah all right let's keep it on the fucking rails guys right so here's what happened right two of them into the towers bang bang pentagon what and then also there was a building a couple of fucking blocks down i fell for no reason apparently as well fucking george bush did 9-11. Then one went into the Pentagon,

but that looked more like a missile hole. That was a bit suspicious. But the other plane... I've done a lot of reading about this. Oh, no, that's right. Watch YouTube twice. Go on. The other plane, they reckon it was headed for the White House.

They reckon. But basically, the terrorists were like, sit down, we're going to crash it into the White House. Because they were Chechen, yeah? Yes, we are very confused terrorists. And then people on the plane... This is a Russian plane, right? People on the plane were like,

hey, should we fucking smash their head in? And they said it like that. Yeah, yeah. Lat. It was like 20 Scots. Lat, Das, Sti, this is our fucking stag team. Oh, no Das is in Liverpool. There are definitely Das's in Liverpool there are definitely Daz's in Liverpool

no can I just before we completely fuck the bit can you just replace their name Stee and

Mach Mach Mach Stee where are they going on a stack do it seems a bit random

Washington DC fucking love a DC fucking yes mate love getting smashed up in the bars in Washington

DC with lobbyists and fucking fucking interns at the at Capitol Hill lads on tour fucking amazing but yeah

basically the terrorists were like sit down we're going to crash it we're crashing it in the White House you're going to be part of history

and then they went no hey fuck off was that Steve or Mark or the other one john john john john who also did the fire exits at the start welcome to uh delta airlines don't worry about this little fucking day fucking ram out the back so the puns decided they said they battered

them and then one of them was like just have to crash this into a field because I don't really know how to do planes. So he just... Right. And you think, if it had been you on the stag do, with Steve, Mark and John, and Adam, you'd have gone, lads,

I fucking nailed this, mate. Well, I like to think I would have remembered what airline we were flying with or maybe just looked at the badge on someone and then rang the customer service thing and said, can you put me on the pilot trainers

because I've got the plane and I need to oh yeah yeah yeah hi Delta Airlines yeah oh yeah of course we just put you it's option five

next time you ring up for the flight trainers the pilot trainers they were just waiting around in an office to take emergency calls to let knobheads

fucking land planes. There you go. There must be a hotline. Hey, Brian, Delta Airlines emergency knobhead fucking landings. How are you, sir? There must be.

Hey, lad, it's Steve. I got a fucking bastard on me hands here. There must be a procedure in place now. You're going to blow me? Fucking hell. You're going to blow your face off.

Three fucking Jack Daniels here Brian I'm gonna have a fucking club there must be a procedure where if you accidentally commandeer a plane you get like

coached oh shit there must be you can't just leave you as a flyer on your own just for everyone who hasn't seen the film

Airplane please go out it who hasn't seen the film Airplane, please go out. It's old as fuck. The film is older than me. And it is about this. This is what, and I literally can't talk about this anymore without going. That film is so gag,

gag, gag, gag. It's funny as fuck. It's got some of the stupidest jokes ever. Leslie Nielsen's amazing in it and it's about this and they talk him down.

It's funny as fuck. I reckon, like, I do think, yeah, I'd have charged that. If I was on, like,

the tube and someone was like, terrorism! Hey, bang! I reckon I'd have flooded them and,

like, try and tackle them. Just to stop you there, Adam, do you think terrorists shout terrorism? Yeah, bang. Well, they don't think it's terrorism. They don't think it's terrorism.

Terrorism! Yeah! They don't think it's terrorism. Do they say the bang or do they go bang? They go bang. Oh, okay. Bang. Yeah.

That'd be disappointing if you were terrorists if you were fucking hooked up To the dynamite And you go Bang Bang This is not good This is not good They don't think it's terrorism

That they're doing do they They think they're doing Like God's work So they wouldn't shout terrorism What would they shout The Russian Remember Remember the accent

Yeah God's work Kaboom That's essentially This is for work Kaboom That's essentially This is for Putin Kaboom Yeah Yeah

Right Up to Jesus Up to Jesus Up to Moses Let's end it there You want to do Buddha? Hang on You think people

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up

Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Blow up Someone plays up in the name of Moses. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Up to Moses. Hard line.

Really hard line. Jewish terrorists. Oi! Oh, God, sorry. Sorry. Isn't it? Christian? What?

There's never been Jewish terrorists, has there? No. They're quite a quiet people. I don't know. I think there's some people in Palestine might argue that point. Oh, yeah, that's true. We're in fucking choppy waters here, guys. Okay. I always forget that that stuff's going on over there, you know?

Yeah. Do you? Yeah. Like, I always forget that, like, they're having a problem. And I've been for a while. A while? Could you tell me what happens?

Or you just know the guys are stripping? So here's what I think. Here's my limited knowledge. Could you do the whole history of that? Could you, because, you know, could you do the history

of the area and talk us through it? Adam Rowe's guide to the Middle East. So basically, the Muzzies and the Jews both think that that's their gaffe.

Right. But like, they both, like, don't think the other people have got any their gaff. Right. But, like, they both, like, don't think the other people have got any right to it. Right. So, like, a long time ago, it was mainly muzzy. How long? I don't really know.

10, 20 years. But it was mainly muzzy. And then over a period of time, the Jews have sort of, like... Yeah. Like, gradually just... Like, the Jews have got like a fence around there and they're just like

every couple of days they move it like five or six yards and the Muzzies come out going lad lad where's my garden

it's fucking shrunk again yeah they're like hang on that was my tree you've put the fence around the tree now yeah

you've fucking robbed my tree you fat muppet yeah and that fat muppet that's the start of the aggression isn yeah you fucking robbed me tree you fat muppet yeah and that fat muppet that's the start of the aggression isn't it but then like the the israel the jews they've got like a very developed nation with like an army in there i feel so alive and it's not just the Daffy Duda it's the fact

we are talking Palestine and Israel so badly so the Jews the Israelis the Jews the Israelites the Judos

the Judo enthusiasts the Jewish the Jewish right just turned up in a garden and went this is our garden

what when was that did that just the first did they just bought the the jews have got like a tunnel like military big military power as well whereas palestine haven't i think we've got a lot of people a lot of people think it's not a fair fight because the jews have got like planes and that and the palestinians have got like rocks just say israelis just say Israelis. It's way less harsh. Planes versus rocks, yeah. It's essentially that.

Like, the Israelis have got, like, fighter jets, and the Palestinians are just, like, throwing sticks and that at it because they haven't got an army. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I've got a fucking weapon. Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. I think that's essentially it, isn't it? Yeah. That's it. Yeah. I think that's essentially it, isn't it? Yeah. That's it. Yeah. I think like, but the Israelis, the Israelis,

they lay claim because they have historically been in the Middle East, but haven't been for hundreds and hundreds of years. And then after the atrocities of the Second World War, Zionism started

and they basically with american backing in like 1947 or 1948 basically got like fucking helicoptered in and the americans like yeah you can live here this is yours now and there's a lot of like palestinians like i'm sorry what that's my house like nah that's israel now could you just fuck off over there so it's it's not even like ancient history this is only 70 years old and since the 60s but hang on where the where the israelis last jews or whatever were they there years ago and hundreds hundreds of years ago but did they think that that was still theirs we were there hundreds of years ago yeah with crusades like it's a holy land when they got off when they left were they

like when they were hounded out yeah that's the point isn't it well what do you mean hounds out get out they've just been a you got a lot of hugo boss man yeah the whole of the the hebrews that's what they called then they loved hugo boss i don't think they did i think historically hugo boss made nazi uniforms and they quite famously don't like Jewish people. So, sympathies with everyone, is what we're trying to say. Who do you support? Oh, I'm a big...

I think I've got COVID throat. Who do you support though? Because like everyone seems... You love picking a team, don't you? The Toronto Raptors, the LA Rams, the PLO. It's classic, Adam. I'm not really into this guy as a shite. You know, don't know a lot about it,

but I'm fucking Israeli. You know what I mean? Like a bit of... No, but like most people seem to think that the Palestinians are right, don't they? Like over here. Like everyone I speak to seems to think that... Pro-Palestine.

Pro-Palestine. Rather than pro-Israeli. Yeah. I don't think it's difficult, innit? Like if you're really talking about it, it's difficult, but it is basically like a long fucking fa cup fixture between i nearly said top and i decided to pick someone else so between like chelsea and fucking like yovel town like it's that that's why it's that's why people like it's not that they're

the underdogs they're getting the shit kicked out of them. It's pretty inhumane treatment. The way they're fucking, like, it's a very difficult thing to talk about. It is, though. There's, like, loads of undiscovered islands, like in Fiji and stuff, so why didn't they just put some of them there? Who? The Israelis?

Oh, for them. Listen, Zionism is fine, but you've caused a lot of shit around here, so why don't we pack up all your stuff, let's get Tel Aviv, let's get Jerusalem, and move it to Samoa. Why not? Is the Gaza Strip like Vegas Strip?

Yeah. It's the same. Hotels and casinos. Actually, no, they're in a large gamble. Like Zanti Strip and and that is it the same yeah should we do a lads tour there I mean I don't want to do

a fucking stag do in Washington they go really badly wrong but the Gaza strip it sounds good though doesn't it as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as

as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long as as long Eunice. Yeah, there's people on the guard. What's Eunice? What? It's a football of a tot. Eunice couple. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there's people on the guards. It's just like, hey, two non-alcoholic shots for a quid. Just having a quiet night. Having a quiet night. What music would they play? Just 90s R&B. DJ Khaled. Yeah.

I'm not always there when you call. I'm always in Palestine. And I gave you holy land. Now, baby, be mine. One of the stupidest ends to one of the more difficult conversations we've ever attempted. This is how mental this podcast is that honestly that last five minutes made me long for talking about 9-11 i was like can we just go back to 9-11 lads i feel like it's a little bit safer

yeah can i just say love you love you terrorist it's great i'm a terrorist this is a terrorism yeah bing well it's not offensive is it if you make the terrorist sort of welsh yeah or chechen was that what it was like if you make them like that because that doesn't mean that well i suppose there was that uh russian poison wasn't that in salisbury living yanko salisbury yeah have you ever said the in Salisbury live in Yankov Salisbury yeah have you ever said the word Salisbury

before I was in Salisbury Salisbury yeah I am from England yeah I live in Salisbury

now Alexander live in Yankov Eb yeah murdered Russian spy he was murdered by his own country

wasn't he yeah and this is why I'm not a big fan horrible murdering Yeah Murdered Russian spy Yeah but he was murdered By his own country wasn't he Yeah And this is why I'm not a big fan Horrible Murdering Cunts Was it ever proven though

Yeah I think Putin said yeah He did that Oh really Yeah What do you think it was Somerset Council Knocking off

I tell you what This foreign bastard Has not paid his Fucking council tax Right Oh by the way Get the fucking plutonium. My dad's having a bit of a

nightmare at the minute with the council. Woo! Well. Well. Well, I think we all knew where it was going to end up when we were in the Gaza Strip. When we were talking about Zionism, I think we all

had a sense that we were going to talk about fucking adam's dad's bins pretty quickly you just burst the tire there you turn back is he losing garden are the israeli next door um next chapter i want screech marks I'm telling you right now I'm making a sound effect of like I'm getting it

and I would have used it promise me I've been crap at updating the soundboard these are classics and I love them but I'm getting one Adam

could you turn Alexander Litvinenko off just he the worst thing is he's a dying Russian spy he's like oh my god I tried to move to Salisbury and the bastards got me and honestly that's what I look after I've had coke that's how bad I look bald and fucked right ready all right I'm not going to go Car I'm There you go Gavin

Carry on You've nailed that Turn that fucking TV off I'll give you a cut point Adam is Your dad had it Been having any problems With the council

Up the PLO. So basically they thought I was still living there so his money's been affected. Oh Jesus. So I had to ring up and I swear to God the woman,

her name was Claire. Yeah. You know I hate being on the phone anyway. To women. To anyone. I've just got a problem with people who talk to me.

Because you know in the past couple of years there's been this big switch to sort of people who work with the public in customer service don't have to deal with any shit and they've got this sort of holier-than-thou attitude i don't need to be spoken to like that and this woman claire i was being as sound as it is possible to be and she was being a horrible patronizing fat slag and I swear to what?

Did you? I didn't say that to her. You just you heard the fat. Yeah. Choosing Quavers on the phone. I swear to God

if she was in front of me while I was talking to her the other day she'd be dead now I'd have killed her. She was the oh

she was like well say you know say the thing is say I was talking to the other day, she'd be dead now. I'd have killed her. She was the, oh, she was like, well, say, you know, say, the thing is, say,

I don't need to be spoken to like this, say, and I was like, yeah, but I don't think you understand the reason for the phone call. She was like, no, I think I do.

What, what had got you to that point? Cause as soon as she, so I rang up and I said, look, me dad's money's been affected because me dad's a very old and sick man, which we don't really discuss on this.

But he's... And he's Palestinian. I was like, it's been affected because apparently you've got me down as the living here. I haven't lived here for seven years. And she was like, so where do you live now? And I was like, here. She was like, oh, well, you're not down as living there either.

I was like, well, I am. She was like, no, you're not. Someone else has been paying the council tax. I was like uh no you're not someone else been paying the council tax i was like they haven't i've been paying the council tax why would anyone else be paying my council tax so she checked it i was right anyway she was like so i don't really know what to do here and i was like what what do you think the reason for this phone call is because you haven't even asked me my dad's name yet or my dad's address and she was like um excuse me sir but i don't need to be spoken to like that and i was like what are you talking about she was like well you're telling me that i've done something

wrong and i was like well you have and she was like i haven't done anything wrong i'm dealing with your queries and i went can you tell me why you think i'm calling then she was like because you don't think anyone's been paying the council tax at your house i was like that's not why i rang i rang because you've got me registered as living at me dad's house i was like that's not why i rang i rang because you've got me registered as living at my dad's house she was like that's absolutely nothing to do with me i went when i say you i mean liverpool city council i'm talking to you as a representative of the council she was like right okay do you want to speak to her manager and i went yeah i do she put me onto her manager and she told the manager that i'd refused to let me dad give any information on

the phone she was like yeah claire's just told me that uh your dad's not with you and you can't provide any security information I was like she only asked me my fucking dad's name tell Claire to suck my big fat bumhole pause pause the tape Claire did you say two seconds sir I'm just gonna put you on hold Claire you might want to drop put your coffee down right did you say that no

no okay I was quite aggressive with with with talking about you didn't say suck my big fat bum hole no I don't suck a bum hole

some of the calls are recorded for training and this one just made the fucking training you can't suck a bum hole you can lick a bum hole or kiss one or blow it. Oh, I'm not going to prove you wrong.

Probably good. Back to the phone call. I see him. Sorry, really. What happened? It hasn't been sourced. Dad's got to get a legal representative. Oh, my God.

That was an unsatisfying end to that. Where's Dad, though? I feel like someone was going to that. Bear's dead, though. I feel like someone was going to get a bumhole sucked, and then it's just like, to be continued. What would you do if she came to your house? Yeah. I've been told I'm going to suck your big fat bumhole. Excuse me, sir.

Hang on, let me finish my quaver. Would you just turn around and pull your cuffs on? I'd make sure Sam was okay with it. Right. Sam, this girl wants to suck me bumholes, aren't I? No no she doesn't want him you told her this girl needs to suck me by my mouth she's been told by a supervisor she's got to suck me by my mouth doorstep or take her into the kitchen that's on hygiene in the bathroom americans don't have washing machines in the kitchen i think it's mad that we do

and they have utility rooms yeah you've been seeing Jilly Bean's Twitter was it Jilly Bean yeah and I saw someone I think I saw someone

retweet it it might have been Jilly Bean but the kid who took the selfie I think people with money don't have washing machines and tumble dryers in the kitchen

I think it's more how you're doing in life where you're from because I live in a house that has a washing machine in the kitchen. And then I grew up in those houses. But I think when you get a bigger dollar,

you get like a separate laundry room, don't you? Yeah. That's it, guys. Yeah. Let's keep talking PLO and Israel. That is going to get their fucking laundry room. I think, even for us, that first section, the cross section

of things we've just discussed and it was public the council washing machines 9-11 9-11 Zionism

I love it how you started with those two that's what everyone will remember that's what will be in the comics that fucking council bit was fire

washing machines banter top tier half air torch can we have a break please because I'm feeling dizzy up the PLO

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I thought you were going to say sex then. Sexual. Sexual. Attention. I did the Clear and Oblivious podcast last week, which is Ryan Cullen and Gareth Waugh. Gareth Waugh's coming on in September. If you like a bit of the NFL,

these lads are great comics from north of the border. They do an NFL podcast called Clear and Oblivious. Clear and Obvious, isn't it? What? Clear and Obvious, isn't it? Yeah. Not Oblivious. No, you said Obvious first and Oblivious second.

Clear and Oblivious. Okay, I'm going to make this clear. It's Clear and Oblivious. Oh, you said obvious first and oblivious second. Clear and oblivious. Okay, I'm going to make this clear. It's clear and oblivious. Oh, you said clear and obvious. Clear and obvious is what they call a foul in the NFL. If something's clear and obvious. So their thing was, one of them knew loads about it. Ryan knows loads about it.

And Gareth doesn't. So they called the podcast clear and oblivious. Oh my God, I've been following that for like a year or whatever since they started it. And I thought it was clear and obvious. At Obvious Clear on Twitter. Oblivious Clear. Oblivious Clear.

Jesus fucking Christ, yes. You fucking idiot. Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid, aren't I? Imagine one day. If we had a scrap, it'd be amazing. Not today. We're in a great mood. Do you ever do half-away boxing?

No. Why? Do boxers make that noise? Isn't one of the hairs? No, no, they go, box! Da-da, box, boxing. Gonna do a boxing. Box, box, box, box, punch.

Punch, punch, punch. Yeah, like that. Like terrorists, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Boxers and terrorists. One and the same. When I fuck punch! Yeah, like that. Like terrorists, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. Boxers and terrorists. When I fuck, I go, shag. Who would you fight at the midlands room? Me?

I'd like to fight you. Am I in the boxing? Yeah. Oh, imagine punching you in the face. I swear to God. On Patreon. I wouldn't be punching. I would fully kick you in the head and get the score.

No, you can't do that in boxing. I can't? punching. I would fully kick you in the head and get a score. I'm boxing. I can. I feel like we've ended up accidentally doing the repetition of, I'll fucking kill you, mate. I'll fucking snap your dick off and shove it down your dad's ear. What about charity taekwondo?

So, how would that be different from boxing considering you don't know taekwondo? The rules, innit? The rules. All right. Spend six months training. Yeah. You just look like a bellend in a. All right. Spend six months training. Yeah. You just look like a bellend in a gi,

and then you end up punching him the same anyway. Is taekwondo like kicks and that as well? It's like, what? Kick, punch, kick. If you kick someone in the head, you get like three points. And then when you finish them, you go, taekwondo!

Like that. You've got to finish on a triple move. Taekwondo! Like that. Same as jujitsu. Jujitsu! Like that. That's the rules.

Chalice knife fight. Right. We're really struggling for Patreon-exclusive content, aren't we? Charity knife fight? How do you win? What if I, on Patreon,

stabbed you a bit? Imagine. Imagine. We have had a question about Edinburgh. People going up. It's the fringe. It People going up It's the fringe It's Edinburgh It's the Edinburgh fringe

I feel like we should clarify as well Because we've spoke about Edinburgh In such bad terms On this podcast Like It's difficult to go It's a lot of pressure on the comics And it's a long hard month

When you do the four months However But it is a good, hard month when you do the four months. However. But it is a good festival. It might smell. Especially as a punter. And if you ever do want to go up there. In terms of making you a better comic as well, like, it's fucking great.

I've done five full hours of stand-up that push me to do better comedy. Like, if you don't do that, you can very easily just have your 20, 25 minutes and not turn stuff over. Like, you turn stuff over do that, you can very easily just have your 20, 25 minutes and not turn stuff over. Like, you turn stuff over, I turn stuff over, and it's partly the skill of that was learned by going, shit, I've got to do an hour next year.

Doesn't that fucking stick a rock up your ass? I've got to do an hour next week. All right! I haven't written. I've spent no time on it. Adam Rower, the Fringe 2021. Who's drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you do? Slam. Yeah. No bet. On the form, are you feeling like what it's going to be? One of the things was, will there be crowd interaction? And my agents have filled it in for me and said no. And I was like, there will.

The first 20 minutes is going to be... Nice shoes. Shoe wearer. the first 20 minutes is going to be nice shoes shoe wearer that's some of the banter you will enjoy Adam Rose show who's drinking sorry

what's the your show's Imperius isn't it yeah you'll have seen the advert at the start of the do we stick it we're going to start

at the start of the episode the ticket thing I don't no I think we'll do something at the start of the episode, the ticket thing. We'll do something for the start of this episode. Okay. You can get it from adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows because I've updated my website for the first time in a year. Lyndon says, hi Lids, me and the missus are thinking of heading to the fringe.

I know it's the COVID fringe, so it won't be completely the same, but wondered what advice you had for those going for the first time. Love y'all, Lyndon. Well, first of all, there's a few people going that I really like.

A lot of them have been on the couch before. Alfie Brown's going, Brennan Rees is going, Garrett Millerick is going, Will Duggan is going, Eshan Akbar is going, Lauren Patten is going.

There's probably loads more. I literally scribbled that list together. Can I just add Ray Bradshaw to that I just saw my mate Ray Bradshaw is doing his show

Mark Nelson one of my favourite guys he's a cunt Mark Nelson but he's funny though funny cunt massive Gareth Ward's a fucking

twat gobshite funny little ginger gobshite his podcast is called Clear and Obvious yeah

Obscurity what? Adv advice so it is going to be a weird fringe normally what i would say is don't fill your day up with booked and advanced tickets just walk around and get flyered and go and see something random at the fringe i don't know how much of that's going to be this year i wonder if it's going to be pretty similar there's going to be i think it's going to be i think people are going to send to the shows isn't it right it's normally 4 000 it's about 450 if you're up there people are going to want your trade because i think there's less shows but i think there'll be less people do you know what i you can't really speak on a covid fringe because like we're saying we don't know what it's going to be like but you just got to assume it's going to be similar what i used to say to friends was before you go up get in the

brochure and every night pick one show that you know you want to go and see like someone that you are a fan of like a bigger name whatever like you like sean walsh go and make sure because all those big dogs are usually nearly all of them aren't they seven till ten yeah i make that the focus of your night and then instead of going oh well then we'll book a five o'clock show beforehand and a two o'clock show i think then sort of see what the reviews are saying see what other comics are recommending on podcast or whatnot and then sometimes see who you bump into yeah because because if you bump into a comic and you like them and they're hustling they fucking need you in their show so that's a good way to do it as well yeah and if you walk around the free fringe and see five shows

across like your three days that you're there you'll see two that are brilliant two that are fine and one will be the worst thing you've ever seen but you'll get a story out of it every time you're at a bar at the Fringe one of the natural things to say is oh what you been what you been to see today what's the best thing you've seen

and if you end up just having a little bit of that to and fro you'll start hearing the names of people that you fancy like just don't ram your stuff full of like 17 pound tickets because there's so many more comics out there hustling that need your trade at like 5 p.m 6 p.m or even later come and see us 12 pound

50 cunts um you want another question yeah so have a good time lyndon have a good time everyone going to the fringe maybe we'll be there one day, but I think Adam's cracked it with the three-day. Three-day run. Sold about a third of my tickets so far. No, about half now. That's good. Yeah.

So Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I think what we've slagged, I feel like we have slagged it off a little bit. I think what I've slagged off more than anything is cost so much fucking money and you've got to be there for a whole month. That what i don't want to do anymore i want to do this twice a week and then that for three days a year do you know what i'm looking forward to the most normally in edinburgh you're staying in some fucking shithole apartment aren't you i'm staying in a spa hotel for four nights Mama like that. Are you taking Sam? No.

No, you're taking Ishan. No. I'm going to be there. Are you taking Carl with your matching caps? I'm going to be there on my own. I'm going to get up every day, have a little fucking massage or whatever. What, from penguins? Yeah.

I've only missed one, haven't I? Haven't I? When I was away. Yeah, when you were in Jap. Japland. Yeah. Have a lovely time. Thank you.

In your spa hotel. Yeah, the MacDonald Hotel. The MacDonald Hotel. Yeah. On Holyrood. That's it. Down the way. Yeah, just round the corner from Pleasant.

Tell everyone where you're staying and when. Smarter. Yeah, yeah. Good love. Mate, I know he's got fans but he's not 218 he's not fucking justin bieber oh chase almighty there's a lot of fucking raw fans outside yeah no no one who listens to this podcast nobody yeah yeah apart from tom swistton right question from uh mo uh it's suggestion he says hey up lids i have an idea for a patron exclusive why doesn't adam stab carl a bit you see give the fans what they want ahead of the curve we're ready and we're prepared let's do it please don't let adam off oh my god no it's so sharp adam yeah no go on keep going what's the question

i'm not doing it what's the question um why is he being acting the picture wrong side it's more it's more to the cheek to the cheek yeah audio listeners enjoy that one mcdonald hotel he'll be signing these outside no no no i want to get it back stop it mental audio listeners he was stabbing the picture we don't have four audio listeners he was stabbing the picture and not dan there might have been a few seconds where people on spotify were like oh i'm worried about these guys um he says i have an idea for patreon exclusive basically adam and dan switch roles with finley and carlos adam and dan you wouldn't see the episode shut up lads adam and dan fucking stab that cunt this podcast survived before you got here do it and it'll survive when you've got lad do it fucking do it there'll be one clip every four weeks adam and

dan do the production it'd be by me adam and dan do the production and editing or at least pretend to and carl and finn do all the features keep up the great work that's from mo what do you think about that adam i uh no fuck that mo you seem Mo. What do you think about that, Adam? I, uh, no. Fuck that, Mo. You seem sound. I like how you think, but you're wrong. You're dead wrong, boy. They can't do what we can do.

That's the thing. Put the knife down now. Put the knife down. I don't want to put the knife down. No, because you're tired. You've done 12 shits this morning. I don't want you with weaponry. Plus, I've just cut something with that knife, and it's so sharp.

It's fine. It's fine. If they were production, you wouldn't see or hear the episode it get deleted somehow episode 76 when we didn't have producers it didn't look good we just about scuffed it what happened though didn't you lose some camera footage no that was episode 77 fuck you right yeah why don't we get the cameras if you go if you go back to youtube, it goes, episode 76, Paul Smith. Episode 77 isn't there. It doesn't exist.

It's in audio. And episode 78. So, yeah. And then I joined. And then you turned up. And Carl's also has the same cameras on. Yep, because it's dead hard. Yeah.

So, no, Mo. I like... They're not funny enough. And we're not... We're not shit enough at life To be given such a monotonous job You want Finn here Hey pay me all the money you want for this monotonous job

He'd have to knife me Which he's going to do in 8 minutes Me and Finn are going to start a pod called Java Paird That what you went for there Java Paird Wow Gave a bird Good Java paired. That what you went for there, yeah? Java paired. Yep. Wow.

Gave. It might do it. Gave a bird. Good. Nearly did a jokey joke. And then I did a jokey joke. It's time for Java paired. Java paired.

Would people be interested in a little spin-off of... We call it the producers, obviously. There you go. Yeah. The producers. And you could talk about subtitling. I don't do that. There's your niche. I don't do that. You have done it, Yeah. The producers. And you could talk about subtitling. I don't do that. There's your niche. I don't do that.

You have done it, though. I have. So have you. Yeah. I just talk about what you used to. In a lovely way. Heard you talking about the food shortages in shops. Made me wonder,

if you were only allowed three items of food from the shop, but you could buy unlimited amounts of those three to survive on for a whole month, would they be uh ready meal and you can pick one type of drink same rules that's from sally in mine head ready black ready meals just get unlimited around some spaghetti balanaises right so that's one of yours so you go unlimited spag bol then you're allowed two more unlimited carbonara unlimited roast dinners

right what are you having for breakfast carbonara right what's a ready meal roast dinner yeah what is a ready meal

roast dinner it's a roast dinner that's ready as a meal yeah put the knife down because you're such a daft cunt and I really don't like

the feel of you having a knife no I want it genuinely put put it to one side you're such a daft cunt and I really don't like the feel of you having a knife. No, I want it. Genuinely put it to one side. You're freaking me out. What a spork. Yeah. Stephen French. I just put it over there.

Someone getting cut today. What was the question? You're allowed to pick three types of food. So does it have to be like three ingredients in it? No, no, it's not. You could do that, I think, if you want to do ready meals.

Genuinely, I can't start the day properly without cornflakes. And bread. Chicken strips. Chip butties all month. Chip butties can sort of make a sort of shit wrap with the chicken strips, with the bread. Can make toast. Can make plain butties all month. Chip butties. Can sort of make a sort of shit wrap with the chicken strips, with the bread. Can make toast. Can make plain butties.

Your poos might actually slow down a little bit with that much stodge. That would genuinely be my three. Bread, chicken and chips. I'm really worried. I've only had two poos today. What drink are you going for? Lucas Aid, keep it scouse. Does tea count?

Yeah. It'll be tea then. Because I'm surely going to have water at home. Yeah, tap. Cancel pop. So I'll just get tea bags. Water and tea. That's an agree.

I think that's not a drink, sorry. What? I think it has to be a drink. That's not a drink, is it? Tea is a drink, yeah. It's a bag of future drink. What? That was so beautiful. Oh, that's a good question. Dick, did you... I know I miss a bag of future drink that was so beautiful

oh that's a good question Dick did you I know I miss a lot of what Carl says but that was beautiful it's not a drink is it it's a bag of future drink stunning Carl I love how your mind works

don't cut him yeah the milk and meaty thing. I can have it, but I wouldn't want it. Yeah. So, mate, cherry Coke. Cherry Coke. I've still got the water at home. Mate, you're not coming out of this month looking great, are you?

Diet cherry Coke. Sorted. Diet bread. Sorted. Yeah. What would you go for? I need cornflakes in the morning. I need to start like that.

Cornflakes are better. Cornflakes or Frosties? And I could probably... Cornflakes or Frosties? I have Frosties occasionally as like a fucking treat. When I had the Rona, when I had the Rona, my appetite was coming in and out, and I asked my neighbour for Frosties,

and she laughed in my face Like a 40 year old Going Excuse me I need to go to the shop Could you get me some Frosties And then Obviously we were in isolation

Cornflakes are just Shite Frosties Cornflakes Late at night Are power Oh yes Shite Frosties Super Cornflakes

Oh mate I had some last night Late night Cornflakes Up my arse They're just shite Frosties No they're not They are They're not No Frosties are just Fucking council Cornflakes I had some last night late night cornflakes up my arse they're just shy frosties no they're not they are they're not

no frosties are just fucking council cornflakes yeah no they're not yeah they are they're just cornflakes with sugar on yeah exactly

no cornflakes are better do you remember do you remember ricicles they're the frosties version of ricicles I remember

what was that I remember do you remember mead? Do you have rations of spam for breakfast? Yeah. I did. Fried spam bussy. Early 90s.

I wasn't on a pogo. The 90s days. Spam and dad! What about booze? Are you going booze free? Because you can have booze as you drink No you can't Gin

Yeah Gin on your cornflakes With no mixers Yeah Oh that's a thing Milk has got to be one of your things If you're going to have it with your cornflakes I love milk

That's your drink Right AIDS Not a drink I'm going This is a horrible situation That none of us are ever going to be in Cornflakes. I love milk. That's your drink. Right. AIDS. Not a drink. I'm going. This is a horrible situation that none of us are ever going to be in. You are not allowed to do that with the questions. I am.

This is stupid. It's made up. Mate, there's a would you rather next. Would you rather give up dairy or blowjobs for the rest of your life? Well, I'm never going to be in that situation. End of pod. Good night. Oh, what a horrible question.

This is from Carly Pimlet. Would you rather give up... Can I still fuck people in the bum? Dairy or blowjobs for the rest of your life? Dan, can you answer this question? Well, I'm lacto-free and I'm married. Hey! This guy.

Neither. Yeah, I could live without blowjobs, mate. She could give me a sloppy Andy. Put her in a pussy. Shh, shh, shh. What? Sloppy Andy? Smith on her hand.

Oh, dude. Yeah. Does she throw it, yeah? Yeah. When you were staying at Sam's mum and dad's. What? Spider-Man. That's the curtains closed.

That's a bad question, no. Not happy with it? No, I like me dirty, me. Cheesecakes and blowjobs. Milk. Two best things in the world, I think. I'm giving up blowjobs, mate. Yeah.

I can live without blowjobs as long as I can have everything else. I fucking love vanilla slices. I mean, blowjobs as long as I can have anything else I fucking love vanilla slices I mean blowjobs are great that's when you know you're living when you're having a vanilla slice can we have a blowjob

as one of our three pieces of food it's not food is it Carl right it is for them I don't sell it at Carl it is for them it's nice to eat your cum oh

it's just like it's the worst that's the worst thing you can think of but it's always like it's the worst that's the worst thing you can think of but it's always there though I know it's never like he's there

he just refuses to filter it he never did this stuff before you cunts turned up and now he's like yeah fuck Dan like when you eat your cunt

Carl it's a problem with him facing his best mate I think they're driving to fucking Blackpool. Yeah. Cheers. I'm giving up blowjobs.

Me too. I'm not. Honestly, I've asked Laura when I'm next going to a blowjob, and she basically went, get me good and pissed. Is it true? Does marriage really kill blowjobs? No, I think some blowjobs no I think some ladies

I think some ladies are like the old some ladies love it don't they some ladies are like I want a sucker dick I want it to tickle my throat Laura literally

it's a common phrase Laura didn't say that just this is a public episode and she watches and listens love you babe but she went

it's where you weave from and you know when what's she saying it's where you weave from and then it was like and then you're like yeah i can see your point i can see your point yeah but where does she weave from do you go downtown um we don't have a fun i'm a fan of going downtown are you fine going downtown yeah i love a little left me right good Yeah Okay I enjoy it Do you like in your own house Oh yeah yeah yeah

Yeah And I've had it When she's got me good and drunk No I don't mind it Even on like a sober Tuesday mate Yeah Yeah Sochabumol as well

Poo poo town Do you know what's the other tracks Tracks Yeah The wrongs are the tracks She's got stitches Never mind Right Let's get it back On the fucking track Tracks? Yeah. The wrongs are the tracks. She's got stitches. Never mind. Right!

Let's get it back on the fucking track. Antonio Rooney. Hey, lids, came across a game called The Shame of Life the other day. Antonio Rooney. Rooney! Her name sounds scouse. She is, guys. I know she's got a B. don't know if she is. She's got to be. She is.

Hey Lids came across a game called The Shame of Life the other day. Basically, ask questions to start discussion. Obviously, stole your idea of would you rather. Thinking back to school days, would you rather piss your pants in school or shit yourself at a sleepover? Knowing Adam, he's done both. Can't wait for the 15th. Thanks to an OG Patreon being a legend and letting me be his plus one.

It's going to be there. So would you rather piss your pants in school or shit yourself at a sleepover? What age? Can we put an age on this? Because at four, you're like, oh, bless. 15.

15. Damn. I think I'd rather piss myself at school I'd rather shit myself in a sleepover all day right could you just go hey lads

fucking be sound here if everyone's looking at you going it's game over innit with our group of friends there's more of a chance of that happening isn't it you can't just everyone in school ignore the piss

with our group of friends Steve Josh Mark darling you could deny stay but you could deny it you could deny mark darling you could deny it ryan you could deny it it wasn't carl you could deny it in school you could deny it no but i mean you could deny it in school yourself you're telling me in school you go that didn't happen and any of the school would be like all right but it's more chance of being innocent until proven guilty

bollocks you'd rather piss so we're sitting in a break and you piss your kegs you're like oh I shouldn't shit myself on a night out

or on a sleepover on a sleepover yeah yeah really yeah piss is better than poo in all situations mad what are you talking about

the thing is the sleepover it's everyone knows everyone knows in school if you piss your kegs What are you talking about? The thing is, the sleepover, it's everyone knows. Everyone knows in school if you piss your cocks. Yeah, I know, but everyone's going to know. Everyone in the school is going to know that you pooed yourself at the sleepover. No, but the people who go,

I don't believe that. People can see the piss. No, there wouldn't be. No, no, no, no, no. There could be girls at the sleepover. We had some boys go. No, there wouldn't be. You took that very seriously.

I went to Cardinal and Heeman. There was no girls at the sleepover. We had some boys go. No. At the sleepover. No, there wouldn't be. You took that very seriously. There wouldn't be. I went to Cardinal Raheeman. There was no girls ever. There would be not a single. There would be not. There would be not a single person. Order. In the whole school.

There wouldn't be a teacher who didn't believe you shit yourself at the sleepover. I think they'd give you some shit for it, the teachers as well. Yeah. Yeah. That's the goal for them. Yeah. Adam Rowe. Yeah. Finn. Yeah. Yeah. That's the goal for today. Yeah. Adam Rowe. Yeah.

Finn. Yeah. Kyle. Shits himself. Good nickname. Teachers are good at nicknames aren't they? Kyle.

Shits himself. The teacher sounds drunk as well. Fucking hell. Is that Edmunds? There's absolutely no way it's better to poo yourself. Hang on. I am giving my answer.

I couldn't give a fuck what you think. And you aren't just wrong. We're allowed to debate a call about when it's better to poo yourself hang on i am giving my answer i couldn't give a fuck we're allowed to debate a call about when it's so random what carl gets fired up about like this is my right to believe i said it to him all the time right hang on though you can there is a situation at school where you could piss yourself but it's's low. What about if it's... No, you're changing the scenario. No, I'm not. We can specify when it's good to piss yourself. Okay, then the sleepover,

there's one blind person. Right. Do it there. So, okay. Changing the scenario. What kind of fucking sleepovers are you going for? I've got one. I've got you and the blind.

I've got one blind for them, then I shit myself. There you go. Your sleepovers at school were fucking mental when you were a carer for a blind guy. Do you think blind people don't have a sense of smell? You just hate it in the toilet. They don't know where they are, do they?

Carl, I'm not pointing any fingers here, but something smells off. Yeah, you're in the toilet, John. Oh, that feels weird. Am I? Blind John. I can hear the telly. I'm in me.

I'm on the couch. Just tell them it was him. Right. They've still got... They just can't see. Yeah. Exactly. Blind people know when they've pooed themselves.

Okay, they're blind and a person who can't smell. Blind people know when they've pooed themselves. Don't they? They do, Adam. They do. They do. You, maybe not, but they do. I'm still picking.

What's the scenario in school then? Where's low? Where's the... In the pool? No, come on. You can't piss yourself. In the changes? Well, come on. You can't piss yourself. In the changes? Well, that's the best place to piss yourself, really, isn't it?

Yeah. Because everyone knows, but at least you get to do a quick change. Dry up with lost property. That's why you take extra undies. I used to take four pairs of undies to school. Are you sponsored by underwear today? Take four pairs of underwear. You didn't, really.

Come on. Come on. I had four pairs of boxers in my pants. Did four pairs of his underwear. You didn't really. Come on. Four pairs of boxes in me pants. Did he? In his pants. He used to go to his pants. Tell you what about Adam Rowe. Fuck, he's got a big dick. There was a kid in Spanish once. I won't name him. He was called Stroking His Boner.

He wasn't wanking. He was stroking it. It was like he was petting a cat. Do you know like Dr. Evil? We had a really ugly Spanish teacher. She looked like a man. She looked like David Silva. Her name was Path.

Yeah. Right. And he was caught stroking his boner. Now, was he... Was it under the table? This was in like year seven as well, and literally... Was it crafty wank? No, it wasn't a wank.

He was just like... He was stroking his pants. Oh, that's bad. Like literally until we left school, it was like, you want a shag path? Can I just say, if you added that as an option,

I'd take the first two before I took that. Yeah. Because if you poo your pants alright it's not good you are that is going to hang around in it like if you'd have crapped your pants

at a sleepover he'd still be talking about it now I had a similar experience to the Spanish thing but at a sleepover okay

yeah okay whenever Finn starts talking I'm like I wonder how much we're gonna learn about him here like finn's got a memory like i remember someone's dad coming in when i was sleeping go on it's it is it's this is one of the ones in the dark recesses of the mind um so there was like six of us at the sleepover down uh six of us and we were watching family guy um and this the lad that was there i'm not going to name him because i still know him um his blanket started moving and we were like okay he's having

us on he's having us on i love real what are you doing with that blanket not like all right sorry i thought that was funny it was like a very valid thing to be covered with, Dan. A blanket. Right, go on, sorry. We were at a sleepover. Yeah,

okay. No sleeping bags, just fucking old age. I was sitting in the fucking garden. Duvet covers, just blankets. I think when people say blanket, they mean duvet.

It was a duvet, yeah, it was a duvet. Sorry, Dan, it was a duvet. What was he covered with? Sorry. I honestly, it was a duvet Sorry Dan It was a duvet What was he covered with? Sorry That's a weird thing to

That was A blanket And a sleepover Being a cunt to Finn Where was this? Being a cunt to Finn Is so much fun The early 90s

I thought everyone Would join in And I just feel like a bully now Sorry Finn So yeah The blanket started moving And we were like Alright he's having us on

Right he's just having a joke Jokey wank So one of the Other lads at we were like, all right, he's having us on. Right, he's just having a joke. Jokey wank. So one of the other lads at the sleepover just did like a quick, whipped the blanket. Full on, just having a go at himself. How far? While Family Guy was on.

Oh, Lois though. Was Lois on the screen? Yeah, yeah, Lois. No, it was Joe. That's what we were confused about. The wheelchair fellow? Yeah. So, and then somehow he managed to just one guy to be the asian news reporter trisha takanawa yeah trisha takanawa nailed it all the weatherman

yeah i just thought i thought i couldn't not bring that up. That seemed like the perfect time. That was quite heavy, sorry. No, that's not heavy. What happened in the aftermath, though? So the aftermath was just, like, five teenage lads just screaming, like, what the fuck, what the fuck? And the lads... And you didn't finish? The lads' mum came down and was like, what's going on?

And we had to be like, shit, we've got to make a decision here. Because if we dob him in, this could be game over for the sleepovers. So we went, oh, we were just like mucking about, you know. You weren't fucking wanking them. Was it his mum? No. No. It wasn't his house.

It was just one of the lads there. It was an away leg. This same lad did other things at other sleepovers that was just a bit weird. We're not quite sure what happened. For example? This is going to sound like a lie. He spread his arse cheeks, bent over. Who is this kid?

Because he loves to party. Bent over and then asked us to throw coins into his arse. and then asked us to throw coins into his ass. Mate! Sweating on. Great game of jingles, Alan. I love how this has just occurred to Finn. The first story was like, yeah, there's a wagon.

Oh, hang on. One more. One more coins. That one, he did get caught doing it by the stepdad of the lad whose sleepover it was. Why? Why? Did someone throw a coin in his arsehole? People were doing it.

Did you do it, Finn? No. Did you throw a coin in that man's bumhole? I was kind of the one going, like, what is going on? Have you all lost your minds? This is when, you know, sucking on a bumhole would work out because you'd end up paying for parking. It's just an elaborate game of jingles, isn't it?

Have you played jingles? Jing? Have you ever played jingles? Jingles? Have you ever played jingles? Is that like the Aldi Jenga? No, it's... So, like, you all stand round, and, like... So, we can play it outside, yeah? You all get, like, a quid.

Yeah. And we all throw it towards the wall, and whoever gets closest to the wall wins all the quids. Oh, yeah, because you were in prison in America in the 1920s. I remember that, yeah. We played jingles in school. We used to play jingles at dinner time in school.

All right. I remember one won like a pack of cigarettes. Yeah. Did you play it when Al Capone got shot or was it like a moment of silence?

Used to go out the back and play jingles. And then Dan Capone got murdered on Valentine's Day. This is not weird to me. No. We played it

like family gatherings as well like a christening or something you go outside the parish club and you play a little game of jingles right little tony's been fucking christened around the back of the methodist let's get some fucking jingles going you say that but i can show you a picture i don't want to see a picture of your family putting jingles do you not want a game it see a picture of your family playing jingles. Do you not want a game? It's fucking great. I play bumhole jingles, though. Yeah. Did Nana Roe ever go take it up enough?

You can also win. Fucking hell, Adam, I've been for a sleepover in Rhyl. I know some new rules. You can also win by jingling it. So if you've already threw your quid and I hit your quid with my quid, I've won your quid. Yeah. That sounds like a good game.

That sounds like child abuse. Do you ever pay knuckles? Fucking two pound coin and right in his bum hole. Do you pay knuckles? Do you pay knuckles? Knuckles. Two pound coin for the fucking madman.

Yeah. Woo! So you... You have to spin the coin. Catch it in your fingers. Okay. So... Oh, see that's a...

There's a pound coin there, isn't there? Give us a quid. There was a pound coin there before. Finn stole me quid! What? Don't pay him this month. He there, isn't there? Give us a quid There was a pound coin there before Finn stole me quid What? Don't pay him this month He's going to sleep over today, bastard I got a quid

Yeah So yeah, what you do is, right So you have to get it on the edge like that And you have to knock it Yeah Right, and get it You have to knock it so that it's hanging over there Skills

And you flick it Yeah, flick it Catch it Fucking quid brigade over here So then you Sniff that quid, where's it from? So'd flick it yeah flick it catch it fucking quibble to get it over here so then you sniff that quib where's it

so you flick it and then you'd have to flick it and catch it then spin it yeah like this are we doing it between fingers

and then catch it between your fingers and then and then they would put their knuckles down there and you'd fucking launch up their knuckles

and cut their fingers like that oh my god can I tell you how we played it at Hudson Grammar School same game spin it

get it in your knuckles and then someone would make a rugby post a goal and you had to flick it over the rugby post no we had a goal yours is

and then you had to break someone's finger we used to do a footy one and it wasn't over it you had to score and then you'd use a two pound coin if you were mad

and that would like break your knuckle ours was just the breaking the finger thing with bumholes right right how's that lad doing these days you know because i know you all know each other in real he's uh just a a bricky it's just a normal guy now it's quite weird yeah okay just a normal guy public episode if you want uh things to open up a bit more about the childhood we did it with fingers adam not thumbs like that Okay, just a normal guy. Public episode. If you want Finn to open up a bit more about the childhood abuse.

Should we do it with fingers, Adam? Not thumbs. Like that? Yeah. Gav McAllister says, What childhood playground game would you turn into a multi-million pound pro sport if you could? I'd go British Bulldog. Carnage.

Gav McAllister. Thank you. Gav? Gingles? I've never had stuff fucking drop in like this before. Finger the new kid. That was good as well. Finger the new kid.

All right, kid coming to the school for the first time. What? Like the new kid. Remember Raul? Yeah, you'd hunt him down and finger the bum. Raul Pappy. Raul Pappy. Raul what?

Raul Pappy? That was his name, wasn't it? Raul Pappy. He was Brazilian and he got fingered. It was a Brazilian kid. Yeah, and he told us.

Sorry, no, no, no. Give me the fucking thing. No, no, no. Adam. What fucking, what Brazilian family emigrate

to fucking Dovecot? West Arby. Oh, sorry, West Arby. It's not funny then. I'm sick of seeing Brazilian immigrants in West Arby.

Fucking hell, lad. Where's a Brazilian immigrant? Dovecot. Dovecot, Dan. West Arby is well more palatable for the human existence than a favela. Never been said before. It will never be said by any human

ever again yeah he came to our school and everyone thought he played he lied saying he played oh he used to play

for the under 12s in Brazil and he's fucking garbage a footy but we fingered him yeah fingered the new kid fingered the new kid

hunt him down on the playground someone will put his pants down someone will finger them all right it's basically Shawshank

isn't it yeah you were bogs fresh fish Brazilian fish fresh meat fresh fish

fresh fish it's fresh it's fresh I thought it was fresh meat fresh fish fresh fish fresh fruit

fresh fruit glad you're not wearing holding the knife now oh wow you never play finger the new kid now did you ever wear

poor little Raoul Pappy as a fucking that's a real thing human morph suit that's a real thing shout out Raoul Pappy I wonder where he is now last question in this section

now then I don't know if you can remember one of the opening scenes scenes from Die Hard with a Vengeance Dan you will remember it it was 95 I wasn't know if you can remember one of the opening scenes scenes from Die Hard with a Vengeance Daniel will remember it it was 95 I wasn't even on a pogo yet

in the scene Hans Gruber's brother makes John McClane wear a sandwich board saying I hate the n-word in the middle of Harlem hang on does it say

I hate the n-word or I hate oh no it says it the n-word it say I hate the N-word or I hate? Oh, no, it says it. The N-word. It says I hate. Plural. Right. Yeah.

So it's not like progressive. No, no, no, they don't. Yeah. It wasn't vague. Yeah. It wasn't like he was going, I hate the N-word. Really bad. Star, star, star.

It was the full shebang. Yeah. In the middle of Harlem, he has to wear it on a sandwich board. He's saved by Samuel L. Jackson just before a mob kills him. So if you could choose anywhere in the world with something really offensive on the sandwich board

and make each member of the team wear it for 60 minutes, where would it be? And what would your sandwich board say? Let's hear something different from each of you. Cheers, guys. Keep up the great work. I'd say Carl to the Gaza Strip with a sandwich board saying,

I think you've both got a point. That would be a problem, would it? I think it would, yeah. Piss everyone off, wouldn't it? I'd say that was a ground zero with Bin Laden was right Bin Laden was right what did he believe

death to the west right in the middle of the ground like Joey the memorial is he's standing there and he's got music blasting where's what's the most contentious thing

Alabama I bum men Dovecart I am Brazilian most contentious thing alabama i bum men dovecot i am brazilian fuck off fuck off to west derby what are you doing out there we don't like your type much less palatable around the end fucking attacking midfielding cunt what would you pick i'm going with i bum men in Alabama. I Bun Men. It's like Top Gear did, didn't he? Remember? What? Top Gear did it.

Top Gear did this? Did they reference the Die Hard with a Vengeance? No, they had to drive through Alabama and they had to write things on the side of each other's cars. And they did that. It was like, man love is okay. Like, fuck NASCAR.

And then vote Hillary. Something like that. Okay, yeah. It's funny, but like not quite as contentious. Man love rules, okay. fuck NASCAR and then vote Hillary something like that like okay yeah it's funny but like not quite as contentious man love rules okay

Hillary for president what was the other one go there there's three isn't there yeah oh country and western is rubbish

what could you where in Liverpool what would be the if you were gonna fuck me over with a sandwich board in Liverpool, where would you send me and what would the sandwich board say? Put you on tight and feel with today's copy of the you-know-what. Oh, yeah. There you go.

Anywhere in Liverpool. You don't need to actually write it. You could just get a newspaper sandwich board with... Yeah, that's probably the only one be dead in about half an hour yeah seriously though would you

you'd be battered really yeah of course you would how long how long because half an hour maximum

right on a Thursday afternoon in Anfield like the area of Anfield I wonder who I'd get twatted by some fucking nana you fucking

nonce no you get some dads coming round be like five dads probably the dads per grade yeah you wouldn't

yeah that wouldn't be very nice okay what about in Preston or Chester well I was in Chester we've sold out of ploughmans

that'll go fucking absolute nightmare patisserie valerie has closed down oh where will I buy We've sold out of ploughmans. That'll go fucking... Absolute nightmare. Patisserie Valerie has closed down. Oh! Where will I buy my milf? Which is just a fucking noncy way of saying vanilla slice. Milf.

There's no way... I don't know if you could get twatted around Chester. I genuinely don't know what it would take to get twatted it would probably the most likely you are to get twatted is to wear the sun sorry guys

the yeah the Voldemort newspaper in Chester and get twatted by a scouser who's come for a day out that is the

who's Chester's rival? Like geographically or football-wise Wrexham Ellesmere Port But probably Wrexham Blue Plants Aquarium's boss I think I think

You can tell a lot by a town by Who their rival is Who's Chester's rival? Wrexham The old battle You remember it well Ellesmere Port Ellesmere Port Yeah Ellesmere Port.

Yeah. Roth there. Honestly, it gets pretty fucking nasty. Cheshire Oaks is like the Gaza Strip in the northwest of England. What? I'm not even joking. If you've been in the queue

for Wagamama at Cheshire Oaks, motherfuckers get elbows out. What? Out. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's been the second section of today's wonderful podcast thanks to david jukes

for that that is a uh corking question uh thank you david jukes if you want to email in some questions and suggestions have a word pod at gmail.com see you after the break you know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because i don't do this shit normally See you after the break. Manscaped, the leaders in male grooming, have done it again. Two million men worldwide that trust Manscaped with the new Performance Package 4.0. By going to manscaped.com, use the code WORD20 for 20% off and free shipping. That's specific to the lids to this podcast. Inside this package, you'll find the Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer, Weed Whacker, Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer, C crop preserver ball deodorant, crop reviver toner, performance boxer briefs and a travel bag to hold all your goodies. First off the new performance package 4.0 includes the new Lawn Mower.

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Shave everything. Carl, can you shave pets? Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. All right? Next time we hire someone in their job description I want it written I'm not making my own tea forever

Right We are the talent Yeah You're talking to the man Who cleans up after you So I am on your side I would like

I thought that's what Finn was And he's all like Oh I'm fucking busy innit Adam asked me to make him a cup of tea After having a sleep And sitting on his phone I didn't sit on my phone check my Instagram

so you sit on a chair on your phone it's my job to make sure I'm rested enough to be able to be funny alright lovey Rosie Holtz here

took a picture of him having a nap Dan has a podcast on Instagram he's weird his eye the eye thing is real hi bro sleeps like this lad I sleep with my left eye open At Dan has a podcast on Instagram. He's weird. His eye, the eye thing is real.

Hi, bro. Sleeps like this. What? I sleep with my left eye open. What, like a psychopath? What do you mean? A psychopath? No, Rosie, like a lad who grew up in Dovecart in the mid to late 90s.

Gets stabbed having a fucking nap, lad. Someone's after me pogo stick. Sleep with one eye open yeah I had an operation when I was a kid took a muscle out of me leg put it in my eyelid

to help it balance a bit so one's always open so I sleep like this okay okay well it's sexy

everything about you is so sexy yeah and I'm a gonigal He's watched me once Oh, bunk in? Yeah, we've said Yeah, we've said

But Rosie doesn't know, does she? What do I know? First time Carl had a thingy with his now long-term girlfriend Rubik's Cube We've played Rubik's Cubes What's this? Rubik's Cubes Yeah, what's the thingy?

Fingering No That's what he was doing Right Right It was What, like that? it wasn't both hands it's a really unusual technique the anemone i was in the bed with them

it was with it doing this yeah all of you no i was asleep but his girlfriend thought i was watching because he was like this yeah a bit weird i was thinking that because you were watching but i wasn't watching he's listening I was watching. Because he was like this. Yeah. A bit weird, I was thinking that, because you were watching, but... I wasn't watching. He was listening. With my eyes. But you had a fucking pretty intense dream.

Rosie, thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the show. If you expected better, you shouldn't have. Okay. So, Rosie. Yes. You're one of the most well-spoken people

that I know in the world. And in the first place... Why did you say that sentence worse than you say most sentences you speak good word sound go from your mouth good very staccato the pressure what i want to know is in your family home yeah is your washing machine in the kitchen or a utility room? It's in the utility room. Oh, darling. Welcome. Welcome to Runcorn. The first visit from someone of your class.

I have never been to Runcorn before. No, I know. You've never summited Runcorn, Rosie? No. My goodness. It's been on my list for a while. I know. I thought I must head to Runcorn.

Florence, Milan in winter and Runcorn now. Where are you from? Somerset. Okay. So my parents live in Bath or Bath. Bath. Bath. Yeah, well, no.

It's not that hard, is it? Yeah, but until you're doing a gig in Bath and you're from the north and you keep referencing Bath. Yeah, they won't like that. And then someone goes, fucking Bath, isn't it? Fucking Bath. Bath. you're doing a gig in bath and you're from the north and you keep referencing bath yeah they won't and then someone goes fucking barth in it barth barth barth barth how so what about the local sort of somersettians that's not the right one is it how what's a what's the collective noun for a somerset person a somerset a somerset some cons the summer the some cons some cunts yeah it's the some cunts.

But if you're from Yeovil, how do you say it? Because there's a lot. How do you say bath? Yeah. Bath. Right. Bath. It really is a class.

So it is, it's bath. It's a class thing, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. No. No. It is. Is it?

It is. Bath. Are you from fucking Bath? I don't know. Yeah, maybe it is. It's one of the nicest places in the UK. It's a really nice place. It's no run corn, but it's great.

Do you live in London now? Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I particularly, like Bath's one of those, Bath is one of those places where you know somewhere's nice when you gig

and like you doing, like there's loads of gigs that I do where you just drive in, do the gig, great gig. And then you fuck off home straight away. And then you know you're in a nice place when you're inviting your partner. When it's one of those ones where you're like, do you want to come with me to this place?

Like I've, you know, like Bath's one of those ones. See, I do it the other way around. I take my partners to the worst bits so that they don't want to come with me. Right, straight away. So then I get weekends away on my own. Right right what do you do though if they really like it they're like oh yeah i love the grime you have to keep taking them along and that hasn't happened yet because you know i'm talking coventry every time we shit on coventry hull and stockton on t's

so much i like stockton feels a bit rough for a romantic weekend. Take her up the tea side. Take her up the tea side. Love it. I don't even know where Stockton is. Where is Stockton? It's like Middlesbrough's really ill little brother. Okay.

Yeah. It is though, isn't it? Middlesbrough, I'm still here. But like the first few times I went, so there's a great theatre there called The Ark and there's a comedy club in there once a month and it's amazing. And the first few times I went,

I literally just turned up, walked in The Ark and you're just in this unbelievable theatre art centre that's packed for comedy. One of the best gigs in the North. I genuinely thought Stockton was like a really lovely upper class place the first few times I went. It's got a bit of an edge to it, hasn't it? Yeah.

I only had one walk around and then that was the end of that illusion. Well, you've got so many places. Now you've done Haverworth, it'll open up so many avenues. If you're going to do live work and you want to tour it, you know, now, because you've been on here, you can play some fucking romantic weekend getaways. There's better places than Runcorn. Stockton.

Stockton. Stockton. Real. Real's a lovely place, isn't it, for a weekend away? Oh, yeah. You'll sell some tickets in Preston now, kid. Don't worry. Yes. St. Helens.

That's all I want. St. Helens. You've had quite a good pandemic, really, haven't you, Rosie? Yeah, but like online. Yeah. So it's kind of weird. Yeah. So you started, just for our listeners and viewers

who don't know sort of of your work yes i'm sure they'll go and find it not too long after this um you started doing it a repeated character essentially of uh a woman who has got quite sort of right- opinions. Yeah. In a very sarcastic manner. And a lot of people just think you're a real person. Yeah, they get so angry. Yeah. Terrible.

Yeah. So yeah, she's just, she's just basically an extreme Tory. Yeah. And rants at the camera. But she's also a bit thick. She's a bit stupid at times, isn't she? Yeah. Well, she just well she just she

just contradicts herself the whole time yeah so yeah yeah but there's people who are genuinely left-wing who are like this woman's a fucking horrible idiot and then there's people on the right as well they were like good good for her putting these videos out i actually know i haven't had it's only the left who get angry with me the right get angry with me because they realize it's the joke the only time I've had people on the I did a thing about a woman who'd gone to um a supermarket without a mask and that everyone went mad they were so angry and I thought it was obviously a joke because I was like oh I've gone into Sainsbury's and I had to uh someone ran up and they put a bell around my neck to warn people in the frozen food aisle I was coming.

And they were starting to shout, burn the witch, burn the witch. So I thought it was obviously a parody, but everyone got very upset. And were like, this woman is a disgrace. And then I had some really sweet messages from some anti-maskers who were like, we have your back.

You're so brave. And you have to message back i don't want you to have my back fuck off from my back i've i've thought for a while like what would you do what would you do if like for example piers morgan quote tweeted a video from this podcast saying like this is the funniest thing i've ever seen. Yeah. Like, you know when you get support from the people? Yeah, if we become Priti Patel's favourite podcast, which would be a surprise, a bit of a surprise,

the unwanted retweet, is that what you'd call it? Yeah, the unwanted backing, they're putting their, like Nigel Farage going, they've got some good points on this podcast. He's got a lot of followers, but do you want any of them? they gonna sign up for patience yeah but then you're playing with that line all the time aren't you like yeah but it's the it's um yeah no it's mainly

people on the left who give me grief or people who think who get that i'm joking but think my jokes are evil evil well, they're just like, you shouldn't joke about this. And you go, you're not a refugee, you can't joke about refugees. Oh my God, I feel so, literally, where have you been?

We should have had you on earlier. That feeling that you've got, definitely feel like that's a very have a word vibe. It is, like, it's quite funny. We've spoke about politics maybe just into double figures, I'd say, at times. What do you mean?

What do you mean? What? Israel, Palestine. We're quite very openly left-wing and sort of on that side of politics. But the only people you ever piss off are left-wing people. Yeah, it's true. And also, can I say the...

And the racists we pissed off on Facebook. Yeah. That was great fun, though. That was good fun. How did you piss off the racists? It was the N-word in the queue. Yeah, just highlighting that someone came up to Adam after a tour show and started whinging about

not being able to use the N-word. So Adam told the story. We all took the mickey, put the clip out. And guess which social media platform really got annoyed? It was Facebook. Shot fucking horror. Oh, it was Gammon Central for a few days. Essentially, after a tour show,

so in my last tour show, I did a summer tale about race, which was misconstrued by a member of the audience who come up to me afterwards and was like uh great that white people are doing jokes about racism now and you know why can't I shout the n-word that a footballer or a black guy can sing it in a rap song oh no you know what I mean now there's a big cue so I just like sort of explained to him why we were on complete opposite sides of the table and whatever. And we sort of had a laugh about this guy at his expense on this, and then we put it on Facebook as a clip,

and people were like, and now that guy had some really good points. One of our most watched clips ever. All of our listeners found out about it and were then arguing with the racist in the comments, and it was really good for the algorithm so do you find that if a video is just funny yeah and everyone goes oh that's a good joke it gets less of a do you almost want to to like sort of shake the hornet's nest a bit sometimes but sometimes it's really painful i did this one a few weeks ago that made some people so angry and it was love island contestant

ends up at a pretty patel refugee camp by mistake and people were not happy tell me you don't want to watch that video right now how did that go well well the problem like people got that it was a joke but I mean lots of people were like, yeah, this is great. And then there was this backlash from some people who were just like, you're a racist. And I was like, and then I sort of wrote back going, oh, no, actually, I'm taking the piss out of the home office. And this is, and they were just like, they were like, fuck you.

It just got really evil. And then a load of, a few comics just were like, unfollowed me and sort of shared my Kofi link and were like instead of giving Rosie Kofi

why not give to these charities comics did that yeah oh comics awful so we got in a little bit of trouble

at one point and there was a lot of comics who were very defensive of us and were like they're fucking around this is jokes

whatever and there's a select group of comics at the minute who if a comedian makes a joke that they don't like and that that that is awful like woke carnivores aren't they like you're coming after your own and like i don't know i knew some of them i was like oh come on guys just one of them messaged me privately i thought oh, oh, at least she's reached out. And then I saw she'd been like slagging me off online and unfollowed me. So I thought, oh, OK, she hasn't. She's not really reaching out.

But it was, yeah. So she slagged you off and did a little reach. Yeah, she did a reach where she was like, hi, Rosie. I think she's going to do really well in comedy. She was like, maybe you don't realise that your video is quite insensitive and you might want to take it down. And I thought, well, she's reached out. she's also been saying i'm a bigot she sounds great there's a video there's a video from um sounded like you were getting upset that there was just a little bit of coffee but it's like i had a bit of a back and forth a couple

of weeks ago via dm in the end which i'd always preferred than a public one so dan was off with covid and we did a patron episode of just me sat here and talking to carl and there's a video from greek stars in their eyes where a woman uh a woman was an able-bodied able-visioned white woman yeah blacked up and pretended to be blind as ste Wonder. Stop it. Right? No, properly. Not 40 years ago. 2012? 2012. It's phenomenal, right? It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen.

And the bit where she gets the... Was she good? They get a production assistant to walk her out. And, like, the stairs, she's already walked up. They're, like, chaperoning her down. Because they're like, oh, the stairs she's already walked up they're like chaperoning her down because they're like oh the stairs there she's surely like i know i walked up them she's got her eyes open she's got glasses on i know but once you've blacked up you might as well go the full hog and piss off every blind person as well sit me down but you like we put the clip out and the amount like it got

hundreds and hundreds of shares straight away including from black comics and like people we don't even follow we followed the black comics we'd found it from them and then reshared it and there was just this middle class white guy in mediums going i don't think you really understand how upsetting this would be to the black community and we were like no we understand that blacking up is very very very wrong that's why it's funny that this was allowed to happen this century and he was like no no you don't understand there's not one black person in the world who found that funny and we were like go and look at all the quote tweets but every it's every black comic in the country has gone this isn't a hilarious and famously what all black people want is one white middle-class comedian you don't realize you're speaking down to these people i mean honestly i

don't even know if they know how to work twitter but let me speak on behalf of the black community do they have twitter do they have phones good god shut up it's the weird attack in your own like i get it if you if it's you can call out hate speech but comics like i get it we you know that you're playing with the line and we've said it before on here but comics are meant to understand that as an industry as a type of person you're fucking trying to find that line and there's also got to be a little bit of understanding when you slightly get that line wrong if you just trip over it like to be a comic who's like we're not even talking about getting the line wrong we're talking about rosie making an obvious joke playing a character which is supposed to be a parody of

the worst people in the world like we've mentioned this before i don't know why comedy gets held to any sort of higher standard than any other form of art and entertainment. Like, if Rosie makes a parody of a Tory, then there's people going, ah, well, that's actually really a problem. But American History X, a film about racism and, like, the murder, like, that's okay.

That's not a true story. That's not a true story. Someone wrote that story, and it's a film, and it's hard-hitting, and it's a film and it's hard hitting and it's awful and it displays and characterises like the worst human traits

in the world that's okay because it's drama if that white middle class comic went on Twitter the thing is with 12 years a slave speaking as a white middle class man all that community

this is really offensive it's awful what what what are you because you don't do stand up do you no I used to you used to

and then you just went off it you got bored of it just didn't like well also like at the time so my my boyfriend was

was like a good stand up and that kind of put me off I was like looking what he was doing and I thought no yeah I remember seeing him do mock a week

and I just thought oh this looks exhausting just lots of people just like trying to out joke each other oh it must be awful no i just thought it was exhausting i didn't, I couldn't handle it. Too competitive, too itchy. I don't, yeah, I just went, I just went off it really. What about the, so that's sort of the industry and that's the way, like you see the ladder and you go, that doesn't look like a fun way to get to the top.

What about the actual gigs, like being on stage? You enjoyed that? Yeah, I did. But I think the thing was I stopped enjoying them even when they were going well. And really it was when I was starting to do when I was starting to

sort of get somewhere in the industry that I was like no I don't I don't like this and then it helped that you know I also I'm an actor

so my acting work had started to sort of do okay so it was easier for me to go nah because you had a very very critically acclaimed hit show at the

Edinburgh Festival a couple of years ago didn't you the royal one yeah what was that called that was I can't even remember Because you had a very, very critically acclaimed hit show at the Edinburgh Festival a couple of years ago, didn't you? The Royal One. Yeah. What was that called? That was, I can't even remember. The Crown Jewel.

Pandemic's been a bastard, hasn't it? What was that great show you were in? Ah, that old thing. That old thing. The Crown Jewel. The Crown Jewel. And it was me and one other actor, and we played all the roles in The Crown,

like the Queen and Prince Charles and everything. End of list. And it was me and one other actor, and we played all the roles in The Crown, like the Queen and Prince Charles and everything. End of list. And it was, yeah. That was it. Just those two. And the corgis, obviously. So the videos you've been doing during lockdown, which have been very, very successful

and seeing your followers go through the roof, what are you going to use those videos for? Or have you not thought that far ahead? I don't know ahead i don't know i don't know i mean like i'm in talks it's sort of doing a podcast i mean everyone's got podcasts obviously not as good as this one there's too many podcasts but i don't know really i'm just sort of um yeah no idea tv producers must be looking at this it must be a weird thing for tv producers to see so much talent sort of finding their own voice

and then finding a platform and finding people that love what they do. It's weird because it's making their job easier in terms of like finding the talent to maybe produce something, to make a TV show. But at the same time, it's the platform that's probably going to end TV. Yeah, because it's so instantaneous as well

because you can react to something straight away and you've got no one messing with what you're doing, which is great. You haven't got a producer going, actually, why don't we put some vampires in this? Vampires are very in. Or let's not do that joke, that's a little too risky. Can I just say, I love this thing we've written

in the first half, it's about refugees and I'm not sure. You're not one. You're not one. Maybe we just do it about people in the north. And that's our job, all right?

They're our jokes. We're thinking maybe you should actually be a refugee for like a year or two. You say that, but someone said that to me. They were like, you can't make jokes about them

unless you are one. But otherwise, I can only make jokes about white middle class women one. I went, but otherwise I can only make jokes about white middle-class women. Yeah. And we're not that exciting. It'd be a great defence. Or oppressed.

And they're very easy to upset. Yes. It's true. Now you can be like, I've been to Runcorn. I was up here. I could do one of those hour Edinburgh shows

about my time in Runcorn and how dramatic it was. I couldn't even find a pret. I was like a refugee. Actually, shows about my time in Runcorn and how dramatic it was. I couldn't even find a Pret. I was like a refugee. Actually, there is no Pret in Runcorn. I couldn't find one. You make a joke, but it's pretty bad.

It's pretty bad. There's one Costa and it's in Runcorn Shopping City. And Runcorn Shopping City, have you ever been to Basra? What is that? Basra? What is Basra?

Have you seen The Hills of Eyes? No, but I read the Wikipedia entry. So you know what I'm talking about then? Because I really like reading Wikipedia entries of horror films. Wow. And we were just going to slag off Runcorn a bit, but I really feel like that's opened up a...

Don't watch them. You don't watch the whole... No, I sometimes watch them, but you can't watch them all, can you? So then you've got to... That's too many! So I just spend days... You've got to read up on them.

Do you get scared? Sometimes. You get scared reading Wikipedia? No, of course not. But sometimes it's very useful because they literally have descriptions for all of them. Are you on Wikipedia for other stuff or is it just horror films that you've got

in this really narrow lane of like... It's pretty much just horror films. Wow. Yeah. Like there's a Lindsay Lohan film where she has this twin and... The parent child? That's not a horror film.

Are you a child of divorce? No! Stay together! It gets so bad for the children! No, this one, one of them's a stripper, like one of the Lindsay Lohans. And they've been targeted by a murderer. He cuts off one of their arms,

and then because they're twins, the other arm disappears as well. It's really... Just to recap, though, you haven't seen this film. You've just read about it on Wikipedia. I've just read about it on Wikipedia. It's really good. I recommend it know who killed me yes i know who killed me it's really great apparently well when you watch it right yeah what horror films have you seen um so i like i like the 80s ones because they're a lot more like gory and messy like evil dead yeah evil you know she gets raped by a tree which

is quite exciting not in a good way and uh evil dead reanimator where she gets assaulted by a head i mean the 80s they're quite i've realized all this is weird. Got fingered by a toaster. Really bad. It's a common theme of 80s horror movies. Is it? Yeah. What, household appliances sexually assaulted people? Yeah, household appliances. Forks, the little spoons, everything.

You watched Busy and the Beast recently. Fucking hell. I'm just thinking you're getting confused. I'm scared of horror films, you know films Have I told you that? I don't like them Adam we did a ghost hunt together You lasted a minute and 20 seconds of 7 minutes I can believe I went and hid in the bathroom

Because my dad wouldn't turn Michael Jackson's thriller video off No that used to really scare me as well It's scary. It's scary. It's really scary. The start of it, when she's running away from him, oh, you don't like the dance moves.

Or the bit that's clearly choreographed dance that isn't scary. That's not the scary bit. Don't like it. Am I wrong? the start of Thriller where he turns into a werewolf yeah it's really scary

and the eyes that's the scary bit have you seen it or have you just wikipedia'd it no I haven't seen it Adam's like honestly the choreography

was shocking third zombie from the left at the back so out of time awful dun dun have you ever seen a

horror film ever watched one erm what of time awful have you ever seen a horror film you ever watched one um what's the scariest one you've seen have you seen house of wax with paris hilton no is it good it's not good but it's got some very upsetting set pieces in it like this guy i'm just gonna tell it this guy gets encased in wax but he's still alive and then they find him and and this guy's like oh my god man what's wrong and he can't speak so he's like don't worry man i'm gonna get you out so he starts trying to like dig him out of the wax wrong covered in wax dickhead legitimate question but he starts trying to get him out and pulling off chunks of his face because Covered in wax, Nicky. What's happening?

Legitimate question. But he starts trying to get him out and pulling off chunks of his face because it's like the wax is awful. Really upsetting. Right. You ever seen mirrors? Mirrors? You ever seen mirrors?

What's that one? No one ever seen mirrors? When you look in a mirror, you see you, but it's a bad version of you and it can kill you. Obviously, it's scary because you go to that mirror and like you see you, but like it's a bad version of you and it can kill you. Like obviously it's scary because you go to that mirror

and you're like this. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to wax with Paris Hilton though, is it? Are you on the PR team for this film?

What was the one where she gets locked in the underground? She gets... Oh, Creep. Creep. That's good. That was pretty scary.

That got me. That is taken off from the 70s film about this cannibal who lives in the underground who only knows how to say Creep. Creep. That's good. That was pretty scary. That got me. That is taken off from the 70s film about this cannibal who lives in the underground who only knows how to say mind the doors and he just chases after screaming women going mind the doors. And it's great. Is that for real? I can see why in the 2002 version they edited that bit out.

Like some weird Mighty Boosh character yeah it's like that it took a thing no that's not scary that's just helpful innit behind the doors they say that on the channel

in Blackpool behind the doors creeps good one I scared the shit out of my girlfriend to that I creeped outside while she was watching

I watched Hostel when I was a kid banged on the window oh that's not nice I don't like those ones they're just they're a bit torture porny yeahel when I was a kid banged on the window oh that's not nice I don't like those ones they're just a bit torture porny yeah yeah yeah when I was a kid I told my mum and my dad I was like I want to get into horror films and so like this watch Hostel yeah me I I think Hostel had just come out and people in school were maybe talking about it so I said to them I want to get into horror films and I want to watch Hostel my mum made me dad watch hostile with me like it was like a father and son bond thing wow i

remember watching it yeah yeah and then i don't really remember i don't think i've watched a horror film since do you think it's because you i thought you're gonna say you didn't remember the film because you got blacked out because of trauma how old were you i don't like 12 13 okay not like five. Yeah, but my little brother and I, they watch the Annabelle ones and all that, and I'm like, fuck that, mate. So what's the point?

I thought, why are we watching something to be scared? To feel alive, innit? Yeah, it's to feel alive. I already feel alive. You're just going to sleep? But those... He's fuming about that nap you just had. Carl's fucking fuming about that nap. What?

Fuck off. There's ones that are just like, are they called slashers? Yeah. No, but isn't that, Hostel's one of those where there's not a load of suspense and fear, it's more just like showing the-

No, it's just gratuitous, horrible stuff. I get scared watching like thrillers as well. I remember what I have to do, if I, this is true as well, if I watch a film that scares me i have to then go and watch something else with the same lead actor in to sort of prove to myself what he's still alive but no that he's not that that's not real so like i'm pretty the mothman prophecies i'm pretty sure it's har Ford so I had to put Indiana Jones on

for a bit after that because I was like I sort of believe him I want to hit the bullshit bell but I think it is too I'm telling the truth I put a cartoon on me

I put like the Simpsons on yeah but there's no Homer Simpson's not in the Mothman prophecy so there's no no he's not can you check that on Wikipedia

he's home yeah he's not he wasn't the house of wax with paris hilton just watch one night in paris yeah i am that's the one i've watched the mothman prophecies that's a horror film what is that one so right harrison ford's character and it's based on i didn't know he was in a horror film. Is it a horror film? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, Adam's recollection of films, not great. So if this ends up like, right, Harrison Ford is a golfer, right?

And he needs money for his nana. And he can hit a ball really hard. And there's a moth. And they go on tour, something like that. It's Richard Gere. It's Richard Gere. There you go. Just to prove the point

So you watched Indiana Jones I watched the Mothman Prophecy And then watched Indiana Jones for no reason Should have watched Pretty Woman I watched something When did the Mothman Prophecies come out? 1998 So it's terrifying

It came out in... 2002. 2002. So, here's what happens. My 10-year-old Adam had weird taste in films. There's this, like, demon called the Mothman. And basically, so Richard Gere's driving down the street or whatever. He's on, like, the west coast.

Does he look like a moth is he like a giant moth he's normal he's normal okay so he's driving down like the west coast of america right and then he runs out of petrol or something i still can't believe you're standing down the judge if this turns into dude where's my car i'm not shocked so he knocked to the house and a fella answered with a shotgun and he's like yeah i love he's back again but he's like i've never fucking been in my life but it turns out he's been there like every night for the past like months this fella knocks every night on this house and it's like i need help with my car so this couple are like he doesn't remember yeah he doesn't remember. And, see, 41st X-Quant.

Keep going. So, basically, the Mothman is like this big moth thing and it's killing people. So, like, when you're driving down the street at night, there's like two red lights in the sky. And this is why it's so scary. Because those two red lights are like the Mothman's eyes and it'll come through your car,

make you crash and kill you. But you know, like, when you're driving at night and you see, like, a crane with two red lights on, I always think, like, mothman's eyes and it'll come through your car make you crash and kill you but you know like when you're driving at night and you see like a crane with two red lights on I always think like what if that's him

wait sorry this film sounds lame so he's driving along and there's a big bug that makes you crash sort of yeah

but he doesn't crash he goes he goes and knocks on this house and the fella whose door he knocks on is an Armageddon why didn't is he Bruce Willis should have watched that instead he goes he goes and knocks on this house and the fella whose door he knocks on is in Armageddon

is he Bruce Willis should have watched that instead why don't they just turn the big light on

end of moth problem innit it's really scary it sounds horrendously horrible I bet that's

the ending they get out a big light yeah draw the moth out it's a true story

it's a big fucking lamp it's not a's... Draw the moth out. It's a true story. Big fucking lamp. It's not a true story. No, it isn't. No, it fucking isn't. It's a true story. It's a true... It's a true story. It's a true story

that he's told, not that happened in real life. Today's episode... It's not a true life story. So you're saying moths kill people? 2002 film. The Mothman.

The big demon Mothman. The Mothman prophecies. Yeah. People think the Bible's a true story. Yeah, they do. Yeah, but it wasn't written in 2002, was it? And the Bible didn't start Richard Gere or Harrison Ford. I don't know. How's the Bible?

Fucking great, right? Fucking great. Drew Barrymore, can't remember fucking anything. Jesus, likes her. Golf tournament, loads of films. Have you ever done any have you ever done any horror you're into horror

and you've done acting yeah have you been it's not my video Adam's cooked no I've not done any horror I'd love to do a horror I've just done like

shitty adverts really what adverts have you done I did I've done an adverts I did for the Mothman adverts have you done? I did. I've done an advert. For the Mothman prophecy. Yeah, we just saw it.

I did a Poundland Christmas advert. Have you ever been in a Poundland? Yeah, I have been in a Poundland. That was such reverse snobbery there. Yeah. Don't judge. I just want scum rolls for scum people okay and when someone

is this well spoken I was like no that should have gone to a working class person yeah you've got to afford

living in London though haven't you that's where Poundland helps out yeah any other adverts we can what else have I done

the Love Island like the little bits before Love Island the kind of indents the just eat ones it's in one of them oh yeah yeah with caroline flack oh yeah and hashtag gone too soon but otherwise otherwise i can't think of any i mean just a few shitty adverts i once went for a doritos advert and i really fucked up the audition for everyone because it was like it was like we had to go in as like a group of friends and there was this woman and she said

okay what I want you to do is is you're all around a table and you're all enjoying your uh your Doritos and um and you're talking about your lives but all the while eating your Doritos. Like girls do. Like girls do. She went and then suddenly, ding, ding, ding, ding, a mariachi, is it mariachi? Mariachi. Mariachi bag comes in and they start playing Michael Jackson's Beat It. This is before Michael Jackson's Anon's thing.

Why? It's just a joke oh it's you know because the thriller one's scary no I thought you were genuinely

scared to beat it there's a knife fight honestly we joke about it and um yeah and she was like she was like so you all start

reacting to the battle you're like oh some of you are like oh what's going on some of you start like dancing oh, what's going on? Some of you start like dancing around all the while enjoying your Doritos. So she's like, okay.

So, you know, she said, ready? So we're all there going. What's going on? Yeah, we're all there like eating our Doritos. I don't know what's happening here. When I'm out with the girls just catching up. We don't drink Prosecco. We eat Doritos. And then five Mexican men break in and play music to us. Do, do, do, do, do.

Do, do, do. Hey! Do, do, do. Love it. That was the basis of the advert. But she started doing it. She said, okay, we're going to do it. So she sets the camera.

And then we're all there going oh how's your weekend oh on these Doritos great and then suddenly she goes ding ding ding ding ding so I thought that meant that like the the marriage who bad to come in so I was like oh what what who are these guys what's going on and everyone's like looking at me going like this and I'm going oh oh oh I like it and then like after about two minutes, the music cut in and we were supposed to wait for the Beat It music. So I've been there miming to Michael Jackson beats. Oh, what's this?

What's this? I once went for an advert. I went for an advert for Tesco. So you know when they did like a, Tesco had this advertising campaign for cooking. So it was like Dan's carbonara. Seen it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? So there was Jimmy's steak for two. Yeah. Right? And it was supposed to be Father's Day and Jimmy was making him and his dad a steak each. You were Jimmy. I was up for Jimmy. Right?

And I got down to like the final three for it. You pull this up. This is a real thing. So Jimmy's steak for two. I was down to like the final three for this adverse and it was something like 80 grand because it was like a three-year license right so nice yeah look see him so he's got 80 grand that guy yeah right god images at least there he is right see that one there right can you make that nice and big

just so that these know what i'm talking about. Wait, it's getting smaller. It doesn't work. Just imagine it's big. Look at his face though. Make it big. Rosie, it's getting smaller. Can you see his face? Right.

So to this day, that was about five or six years ago. So it was like 80 grand for three years. It's obviously been extended because to this day, you know, the Tesco and Days Brew made us our Tesco yeah that is still as you walk in now look at that little smarmy cunt's face and i swear to god every time i walk in that tesco i feel like he's looking at me going yeah he's taunting you i got the advert look at his face he's looking at me however though if you'd have got that, you'd be looking at yourself every time you go to Tesco.

Yeah. You from two years ago. Not, you know. You'd be going to Waitrose for 80 grand. Right. That's true. That wouldn't be in Tesco anymore.

Tesco. Yeah. That's really sad. I'm really sorry. And I also nearly got a Bellboy advert for Now TV. Yeah. That was a lot of money as well.

Didn't get that one. Some of them are so, the money is so good for some of them. Yeah. It's insane. Yeah. And then a lot of money as well. Didn't get that one. Some of them are so, the money is so good for some of them. Yeah, it's insane. Yeah, and then he got the fucking

Halifax advert where he got to do Nationwide. Nationwide. Or Nat West, it was one of them, I can't remember. Where he got to do

stand up on TV as an advert. Was that, but did it mean you could never use that material again or did you just use your shit material?

Mate, Rosie, let me speak for Adam. He won't close in on those bits. That's all I'm saying. He's not lost the closes. I wrote those jokes for the advert.

Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get good money for it? Can you talk, was it good money? 32. 30, that's so nice. Yeah, I just paid off all my debts. I had a lot of debts.

That's what I want. Mainly fines. Yep. I just want off all my debts. I had a lot of debts. That's what I want. Mainly fines. Yep. I just want a big advert tonight. Just get rid of all my debts. I became the nationwide guy for a bit. So I was turning up at like Hot Water Comedy Club, where I do every week.

And I'd see people go, that's a lot of information. I'm not! I'm just Adam! Right. 32, you can deal with that though, can't you? I'm just Adam with 32 you can deal with that though can't you I'm just Adam with no parking tickets anymore

oh my god I didn't like being the nationwide guy and then I don't even know if I'm allowed to talk about this but fuck it at the start of the pandemic I put a stand up clip out which was essentially it's only going to kill old people, fuck it.

Oh, no. And they got in touch with my agent and were like, tell them to take that down now, off the internet. What, Nationwide did? Yeah. And I went, no, I'm not taking that down. And my agent was like, no, you've got to, because otherwise they're going to sue you for the money.

And I was like, no, they can't. I can't give them the legal precedence of telling me what I can and can't joke about. Yeah. Like, if I take that down, then they've got precedence to tell me to take anything down. So, no. And I don't know what happened. There was a back and forth with them and me aging for ages. I didn't take the video down.

But now there's no evidence anywhere on the internet that I ever did that adverts. But everyone else who did that adverts, you can still find their stuff. Wow. That worked out pretty well. Yeah. Is Nationwide telling them all what to do like how long i just don't i don't think any of the other comics uh did a genocide bit so i think they just escaped i think every good comic should have a genocide

especially when it comes to old people yeah yeah the the elderly genocide yeah i don't think uh sunil patel had a elderly genocide so I think he got away with it. That feels like a point for a break from an advertiser. Hey, come on, guys. Money cunts. Yes. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train?

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you can't tell me richard gillette please tell me you did watch indiana jones after watching i can't remember you didn't watch pretty woman did you still laughing about that richard gillette does look similar to harrison ford yeah not really white american dad sort of handsome bastards i think Harrison Ford's a bit more sort of rugged yeah Richard Gere's a little bit more

not feminine but smooth smooth archetypal smooth operator love Harrison Ford Richard Gere thank you

smooth Gere change this is from a lady called Aoife in Ireland now I it's Evie isn't it is it no that's right Aoife in Ireland. Now I... It's Evie, isn't it?

Is it? No, that's right. Aoife? Is it A-O-I-F-E? A-O-I-F-E. Aoife? I know someone who pronounces that Evie. Well, she's doing it wrong.

She's got her own name wrong. It sounds more right than Aoife. What did you say it was? Evie. Evie. You know an Aoife? I think so. Oh, oh what you've got too many ethers in your phone i just know so many oh god there you go i only ether in ireland says

hi anus and dickhead my question for you is have i been too much of a slut to get a boyfriend what i'm 23 a lady, from Ireland. I lost my virginity at 17, and I've been hard at work since. I've only ever had two boyfriends, nothing lasting over six months, commitment issues, and then was heading to uni.

I've slept with around 20 different lads, mostly one that, we didn't ask her for this information. She has literally given us stats. One lasted about 20 minutes. One was like two hours. God, he had a big lad. Hello there, father.

I've slept. I really had to not do it as Tom from Father Ted. Hello there, father. Hello, innocent dickhead. My question for you is, I lost my virginity at 17 now. So 20 different lads,

mostly one night stands and a few repeat offenders. God bless them. I feel that lads mostly one night stands and a few repeat offenders god bless them I feel that lads will be put off by my sexual history and or maybe I'm not built for relationships because I'm not great with the pressure that come along with it

help a girl out from Aoife I don't mind if you say it because you'll probably pronounce it wrong I think a problem is that she's given people more information than they asked for i think if she's on the first day going i've sucked off 25 men i think that might be where she's literally sitting down like do you want to face the window or do you want to face the restaurant anyway are you having starters i have sucked 22 dicks

garlic bread and cheese. Great choice. I love this woman. I think I've got a problem, Dan. Could you help me? I'm oversharing. Jesus. And my menstrual cycle.

Oh, you don't want to know? Well, I'll tell you anyway. I love Aoife. But yeah, just don't. Just keep it. What do you reckon, Rosie? No, she's fine. She's not too slutty.

Like, what does that mean? It's nothing. Rosie, 20's fuck all! I'm 53! I've had five since I got to Runcorn! If you can't find a prayer, find a a dick I don't think that's that many either Alright Shagga But she's 21?

23 She's in her fucking peak That means 23 But then also Most of that was lockdown right? Yeah Has she been breaking rules is what I want to know That's the bit But then also, like, most of that was lockdown, right? Yeah. So she's... That's like three and a half a year.

Has she been breaking rules is what I want to know. That's the bit that you... That's the bit I'm concerned about. Have you been fucking with a mask on? Mask on, in doggy. That's the only safe way to do it. I never heard much about the Irish lockdown. I don't know why I would.

How are the Irish lockdowns going? I think they're quite strict. She's what? She's 23. She's 23 and she's had sex with around 20 it's six years of sex she's when she was 17 so it's only like three in a bit a year three a year it's like every four months it's fine if i think you need to put more money yeah you know what are you about a girl she fucks people less often than i go to the doctors about my bowels. I don't know how much of that is.

But both are pretty sexy. And both you tell to people on the first date. I've been to the doctors 20 times about my fucking bowel movements. When Adam goes on a first date, they work it out pretty quickly. They're like, this guy's been to the toilet four times and we haven't even had pudding. So he's either a massive coke head or he's got ibs so oh just do what you do mate but just don't

tell anyone unless do you know unless they ask and they get off on it some people do yeah have you that put you off if you went on a fair let's say laura had gone right so laura's gone where's she gone where's she gone so laura she gone? Where's she gone? So Laura My wife's called Laura And this has been done before Buckle up Because these journeys Can be a lot of fun

Someone has this joke As a tattoo Has everyone Has everyone been to the toilet? Have you got snacks? Right buckle up We're going into Adam's weird mind

So Laura's passed away From a wasting disease Wow Well turns out I didn't need snacks Because this one's Not as fun a journey. Laura got dysentery.

Do you know what I know? When my wife listens to this, which she definitely will, there'll be a part of her going, yes, lost some weight there. Yes. So it was long and painful, years. She struggled. Yeah, but it-

She was a shadow of a former self and eventually she passed away screaming in pain. Oh God, Adam. Right. Okay, this has been... Can't you go to Chessington Wells of Adventures again? Good, yeah. I like the ones where she's married to a Nigerian warlord.

They're more fun, where she doesn't die screaming. Okay, you want to say that? So Laura's gone. She was shopping in the local Morrison's. Right, yeah, the base. On the bread aisle she locked eyes with a man and they immediately

fell in love what is this as well as the wasting disease no no no this is instead of he's decided to bin that because it was

unnecessarily grim so she is he a baker is he one of the Morrison's bakers no oh right he's just shopping

but he's in a suit and he looks good so so he goes over to suit and he looks good so so he goes over and he goes madam we must

leave at once and for my new life where's he from he's from he's been in France five years really

he's been to Eurocamp but come back with an accent in the Faroe Islands so she's moved to the Faroe Islands. And you can't do that accent. No. So they've moved there

and they've started a dairy and chicken farm and that's where they make their money from. And little do you know, you've been eating their eggs. Why? Yeah,

because actually, more for me because I've been getting my eggs delivered from the Faroe Islands. And a lot of people said, Dan, it's really not worth the shipping.

There will be local farms that are selling eggs much cheaper. But I'm like, nah, I need my eggs to have come over on a ferry. Yeah. So anyway, Laura's gone. Yeah.

And you go on a first date and you start talking about like your promiscuous history. You're talking about sexy times, what have you done, what you're into. Sin. And you've just had a few drinks and this is sort of niggling away in the back of your head. And you're talking about sexy times what have you done what you're into and you've just had a few drinks

and this is sort of niggling away in the back of your head and you're just like what is it it's just the air yeah yeah yeah so you just say to her

you go listen hmm how many people have you noshed off how many have you slept with oh you want both you want sucked down

it's not just fucked how many partners you've had yeah and she says 20 up with oh you want both you want it's not just how many partners you've had you want yeah um and she says 20 how would you feel about that depends how old she is though isn't it also she's 85 yeah yeah i mean yeah it really and you know without the question it's important how old she is i don't know if you've heard about modern laws. 20? Well, that's fuck all, you're 14.

I would never ask the question, because I genuinely don't care. Don't care or don't want to know? Don't both. I don't want to know. Is there a number that it would be? I've been with Laura seven years. I have never. I've never asked a boyfriend that.

I wouldn't want to know. Do you not want to know? No. Is there a number where it would become a problem? 999. No, but like 112. Is that bad? 112.

It's a good innings. just don't think I'd want to know that Because then you'd be thinking When? How? Does it change anything? Do you think any less of it? I think if you're a bit of a douche bag it does I don't think you'd think any less of it So why did you care?

Was it 112 at once? Because then I might be a little put off. How many people you sat with? 112. Don't worry. It was all in one day. And I got 32 grand. Do you reckon there's a world record?

From nationwide. So you get a payday. Do you reckon there's a world record of bones in a day a person who's had i don't think they put that in the guinness book though no i don't think they have an adjudicated they're going one two three yeah 112 they keep trying to like get it in the book and they're like we don't want it it's the biggest gangbang record will come up and they know because that's not because you're not having sex with all of them are you in a gang bang yes aren't you no i don't know but i find the the the most jesus christ hang on each sex range course lasted 45 45 minutes no it's no no doesn't add up no Carl no Carl absolutely nailed that

she's sleeping with 76.5 men an hour it's like you're eating watsits so 1.2 men a minute

right so on one of the upcoming patron exclusives Rosie we're going to be trying to break world records and we've just found one for Finn

45 seconds she must we've just found one for Finn. 45 seconds. She must be good. Yeah. So, Aoife, if you just go on the internet, you'll feel way better about yourself. Get on.

Go on. Fine. You're absolutely fine. Do what you fucking... Also, if you meet someone who's like, oh, I think that's disgusting.

Yeah, fuck him. Right off. Yeah. Yeah. Go on, Adam. Who him right off. Yeah. Yeah. Go on, Adam. Who controls people's past? It's ratty, isn't it?

What did you do before you met me? Existed. Fuck off. Yeah. Just, yeah. Just keep fucking whoever you want and then eventually you'll find the one and they won't be arsed

because by then you might be 30 and maybe it'll be 200 then. That was really romantic. Yeah, really. Hit the nail on the head. I think I was white on white racist when I read this because I honestly imagined

somewhere like Craggy Island where everyone knows each other. Hello, Eva. Hello, Eva. You could also play daft and not lie. You know, if you are worried about it and it's putting people off,

you could just be like, oh, it was only four. And when they find out it was just 20, I'll just go, oh, I thought you meant in the bum. Next question. Do that. Rosie, do you want to add anything to that bit? Because I've got a sense that you don't.

I thought you just meant the bummer ones, four. Oh, you meant all of them, 919 and 12 hours. I'm really upset And here's my certificate And that's on my Patreon Shall we do some have a words? Yeah So we're trying to help people out Solve people's lives

That wasn't a have a word That was just someone That was like you agony haunting Yes This is all perverse There's people asking us To have a word with other people Or sometimes themselves.

Oh, nice. It's layered. Zorin Sahani, who I love, who is our 16-year-old Texan listener, and she's sound. She says, what's up, lads? I'm in a bit of a situation and was hoping you may be able to help out. So I've had two best friends since fifth grade. I don't know what that translates

into for y'all she writes y'all so if i'm being catfished by a listener and they're from fucking swinton they're doing really well because they're throwing that in what's fifth grade can i guess about 14 13 year five in england's not the same though is it year fives like oh yeah 10 11 oh is it six so it's about it's one ahead we're one ahead so fifth grade is year six so yeah it's about year five ish right so she's had these two best friends since about so god how would you ever work it out did you hear that you missed that didn't you i said we're one ahead and he went yeah it's just like year five ish or six i don't say six comes off to five 10 11 right good

two best friends since she was 10-11 and one of them Maddie used to be a pretty solid atheist stroke shitty Catholic but then she went through some crap

and became a born again Protestant Christian unusual move there I do not have any problem with that at all as I'm a moderately okay Muslim

now keep in mind that we are 16 but our whole life has been kind of started to revolve around religion. And every single conversation we have has something to do with that. It's honestly becoming a bit annoying. So if I've kind of unintentionally distanced myself from her, but I feel really bad about it, am I being judgmental and wrong? Or should I just cut myself off from her completely? Also, if it's the second one, how? Because I'm a very non-confrontational person and I

don't know how to do that at all. Thanks, keep up the good work. That's cheers from Texas. Bye. That's Zorine. So her friend keeps talking about, has got obsessed with religion. She's now a born again I don't know if anyone, that's a weird thing to do isn't it? To be a lapsed Catholic

and then go, do you know what I'll try the other flavour are you religious at all Rosie no no I was brought up Christian yeah

I was brought up Catholic yeah yeah my my dad that was my dad but then he was he gave up

yeah like smoking yeah smoking never again yeah how old was he when he binned it he was he was like in his 40s but he's so funny because he now goes i don't understand

people who are religious and i'm like dad you were religious until you were 45 he's like no i don't why he just doesn't get it so i could almost understand it if that was the other way around when you're young and you feel invincible and you're like, I don't give a shit about all that. Like I'm 40 and I can feel myself like I'm on the downward. I can tell. I've just. Do you think you're a few years from being religious?

Oh yeah. If I get to 45 and I'm like, maybe there should be an afterlife to make me feel better. I got a bit religious when my sats dropped when I had COVID. Really? Yeah, a little tiny bit. Genuinely. Like I genuinely think after that, I wasn't even bad. religious when my sats dropped when i had covered really yeah a little tiny bit genuinely like i genuinely think after that and i wasn't even bad but like i think like if i was dying i could get

a bit fucking oh yeah what would you go for asian um i would go hinduism i think right yeah yeah what's hinduism adam or the quakers are really nice yeah they just sit around waiting for nothing to happen that's what they do yeah i went to one quaker service and they all just sit really quietly and then occasionally one of them gets up and goes i um saw a cat the other day and it made me really happy and then they sit down again and that's that's why were you at a quaker service when did that what the fuck do you do with your spare time Rosie very successful

work wise but your spare time is horror films on Wikipedia and the occasional Quaker service have you seen Paris Hilton's

Madame Tussauds I saw a cat and it made me thankful have you seen these slasher movies neither have I but let me ruin your service

that's what I shared in the Quaker service and they didn't like that yeah good times why did I go to one I shared in the Quaker service and they didn't like that. Good times. Why did I go to one? I think it was when I was like, I can't remember. I think it was for a drama project and they said learn about religion so I went to

one. Did you go to any other? Yeah, I went to a Jehovah's Witness one. That was quite intense. What is the deal with Jehovah's? Because we have, I think we have Are they the ones who knock at your door? Yeah. Right, well, we have some three doors down.

That's all I know. They live in your street. I think they're allowed. I just thought they walked around forever. What, they were, like, mobile? Yeah. They get the bus sometimes in Liverpool, don't they? Do you remember?

They used to be on the 18 a lot. Did they? Oh, and they walk up and down the aisle, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they don't celebrate Christmas, do they? I think. That's the number one rule. No, they don't do fun things really right i mean the service i went to it was all about how atheists were going to burn in hell and we were given

little drawings with um jehovah's witnesses at the avenging angels killing all the non-believers it was intense i spoke i spoke friendly i spoke to them once and my mum told me off so what had happened was my mum was making the tea and there was a knock at the door i was literally about 11 right and around the mothman prophecies yeah good let's see if you fuck these memories up as well there was a knock on the door richie and they had a big moth. Something like that. So I opened it, and there were two really old black people, man and wife, right? And they were like, we're here to talk about Jesus Christ. And my mum was just not asked, because she's making the spag bol.

She's in the kitchen, right? So I was like, okay. I was just bored. I was watching shite on the telly. My dad wasn't home from work yet. So they were talking to me, and he showed me this picture, and it was like a few people,

and then loads of animals. It wasn't a photograph. It was like Jordans, like tigers and bears and lions and parrots and stuff. And he was like... Lion. It sounded the weirdest. What is it?

The Wizard of Oz. Lions and tigers and bears and fucking parrots! But he was like... All I remember is him saying, this is how life is supposed to be. We're supposed to live as one with everything in harmony. And if you let Jesus into... If everyone lets Jesus into their life... Then you can get some parrots.

Then you could, you could have a tiger and a bear and that. In Dovecot. Yeah. They knocked on in Dovecot. Yeah. Showed you a drawn picture with lions, tigers, bears and parrots.

And then my mum interrupted us. Right. And she, she literally, I think she literally told them to fuck off. I think she was like, what's going on here? And she, I was like, oh, this fella's talking to me about Jesus. And she was like, oh mate, we haven't got time for this. Just fuck off I love Anro what's going on here and she

I was like oh this fella's talking to me about Jesus and she was like oh mate we haven't got time for this just fuck off shut the door oh my god

I don't think she's had a drink yet do you reckon when you're a Jehovah and they're like handing out where you're gonna do the rounds that day why does Jehovah

sound like a slayer you fucking Jehovah do you think it's the isn't it it's the do you think there's some rounds do you think there's some rounds where the Jehovah goes you think it's the isn't it it's the do you think there's some rounds do you think

there's some rounds where the Jehovah goes oh fuck Dove cut right it's gonna be

a rough one don't they they think that God's on this can we do a Patreon special where you act

as Jehovah's Witnesses and not hand people those please isn't there something about

they don't believe in blood blood transfusions I remember my nana being

about that isn't that Jamaicans what that's Jamaicans isn't it no Jehovah's that. Isn't that Jamaicans? What? That's Jamaicans, isn't it? No, Jehovah's Witnesses don't. Well, that's the Jamaican thing too, isn't it?

You mean the Rastafarians? Yeah. Okay, good. You can tell, Rosie, we do a lot of research when we're talking about different ethnicities and cultures. It's important to get

these things right. Isn't that the Welsh? Didn't John Travolta his son died because he was a Scientologist? He was in Braveheart. Do you remember Braveheart? Didn't... This is really sad.

Didn't John Travolta's son die because he didn't let him have medical care because of his religious beliefs? Was that why he died? Yeah, because Scientology said he couldn't have this specific medicine and he just died. Yeah, because John Travolta's Jamaican.

Mad, innit? No, no, no, no, no. Rastafastafarian i don't know that's not true is it yeah yeah i mean i know he's a big scientologist a sundar because the uh he've denied them access to the whatever might have been a procedure or medication yeah that's insane yeah i don't want to i've got i've got a few mates who are christians and they are the soundest nicest people and they just keep their christianity where it needs to be which is just you know they i'm kind of respectful of that they're just like to start every conversation with oh well this is like my faith in jesus you're like shut the fuck up i would rather burn in hell but yeah she's 16 though but she might just be it's like she's discovered it

she's discovered something new so she might calm down a bit it's just for how long is she going to go on about God all the time yeah but if you're 16 you're going to be getting into all sorts of fun

16's when it's about to kick off when it's about God and death shine Jesus trying to get laid here, dickhead. Yeah, she sounds like she's gone, Zareen. She sounds like she's... I think she needs to make one last effort

and she needs to speak to it and go, look, like, we're talking about religion too much. Let's get a new hobby together. What should we do? Skateboarding, I don't know. Skateboarding? Skateing beats God doesn't it

yeah just like let's find something we can both enjoy that isn't religion I think that's really good advice yeah yeah

weed that's my advice weed fuck skateboarding you're 16 let's talk about weed can't you

also weed's good because the bible is okay with it Finn Finn that's okay with weed Finn's good because the bible is okay with it Finn Finn it's okay with weed Finn's got a bit of a problem with weed

the old what's he called what's his name Finley Funkletters Finley Funkletters very funny comment on the patreon this week where someone's like

do you know I find Carl mocking Finn smoking weed very annoying oh you're on the line you're on the line fuck off oh not you finn we love you shut up um finn yeah you can talk about weed it's like a hobby as well

isn't it there's lots of different it's a it's a science when you get into it there's so many different kinds of plants and different chemicals in it oh my god you can hear the addiction yeah love it it's loads fun. Don't skateboard. Yeah, if they both get into weed, they can have conversations like that all the time. Yeah.

It's better than God. Card tricks as well. You said the only thing that's more annoying than Christianity. Coach Haymess. Get on that, lad.

Can I tell you about Jesus? Pick a card. Guess what the cards are. Jesus. But if they get into magic, there's like limitless amounts of card tricks. They could learn all of them and discuss them. I find that more annoying than a Christian.

Yeah. I just think, you know, something like that. Skateboard. Just basically start skateboarding all magic. Yeah. Forget about God. That's your advice.

Another have a word? Good. Nailing today. Craig says, right lids, I need you to have a word with me because I'm being a wee bitch. Totally lost track

of the work-life balance thing since becoming a chef and now I'm living alone after a relationship and it's absolutely killing me. I love what I do but on my days off I'm so wiped out and now I'm living alone after a relationship and it's absolutely killing me. I love what I do, but on my days off, I'm so wiped out, I can't even be bothered with anyone or anything other than my wanking chariot.

What? What's that? Craig. What the fuck's a wanking chariot? That's a bed. What's a wanking chariot? It's his bed. I don't think you should call it that.

No, but I think, Rosie, it's absolutely on point for the... Call it your spas rocket instead. Oh, my God. Am I just being a wee gimp, or do I need to just either take more time off or man the fuck up and deal with the tiredness? Absolutely love you guys, and like so many cunts these days,

you lids have been a total lifesaver. So, Craig is working hard as a chef, and on his days off, can't be arsed doing anything. That's quite normal for hospitality though, isn't it? Such a shit industry. Have you worked in hospitality? Like, you just end up, it becomes your life. Especially if it's not like a part-time bar thing.

If he's a chef, particularly a head chef, the days are so long. Yeah, it's so exhausting and you do feel like doing nothing but being in a wanking chariot i guess yeah i like that you've adopted the terminology i went on a journey you've changed ron colin's changed you for the worse the split shifts thing is uh so tough when they're like well obviously need you in at 10 30 till 2 but don't worry you don't need to be back in till 5 30 you're like, well, obviously need you in at 10.30 till 2, but don't worry, you don't need to be back in till 5.30.

You're like, what the fuck am I going to do? 2 till 5.30. Are we still split with one hour in between? Like 11 till 5, 6 closed. Yeah, that's what we used to do. That's awful. I don't think that's a split, is it? Is that not just like a big break? Yeah, but they call it a split.

Wow. You can go home if you want, but you won't be able to get there in back in time. So just wait here. Just literally in the the door zero hours was the worst when i worked in envy because so i worked in a nightclub and they would literally say like your shift starts at 10 but you'd get there at 10 and if it was quiet they wouldn't let you clock in till one so illegal so you were just sat in the staff room but you couldn't go anywhere in case it got busy. No.

So you had to just be in the staff room, not getting paid until they wanted you to clock in. That is a different level of shitty. Yeah, that's so shitty. Yeah. That was until you were in with the managers and then you were late, weren't you? I know Sereca was okay.

She used to just clock in. It would depend on the night of the week. Sereca only really worked the weekends, so she'd always just, like they'd find something for her to do. Like the managers had their favourites who they'd clock in first, absolutely. But if it was quiet,

like it was, she'd go and sit upstairs. What have you done in the industry? What have you? In the hospitality. Oh, yeah. I've done a lot of waitressing. A lot of waitressing

And I was also I was a bar woman At one point And I worked That's not hospitality I worked at a gym But I was reception Did you prefer bar or waitress?

Because I love working bars It was loads of fun I think I wasn't very good behind the bar. So I got all the money wrong and I gave people too much head. On the beers. Left that linga.

I know. So I was fair as a waitress. It's like a first date with Aoife. I wasn't very good on the bars. Every time someone walked in, I just sucked their dick. Immediately. And then I gave them the wrong change. And that's why I was better as a waitress.

I'll tell you what though, we got busy pretty quick. I used to love watching the new member of staff fuck up the pouring of a pint for the first like three or four shifts like Becky's just started she's only 18 she's like

is it meant to look like ice cream you're like no but I know you fucked the stock up and that's going to help me steal remember when Mike told me the wrong fucking glass on purpose such a scum move that one

so when we worked in zelligs worked in a bar called zelligs can i just say been a while been a while since it's been mentioned this one's for you zelligs and i was new on the bar it was very competitive for shifts so like when i got put on the bar from being a glass collector the bartenders who would already compete for shifts were like we don't need another bartender and i asked them uh this fella called mike i was like what glass do you put a singapore sling in is it a martini glass and he said yeah yeah that's the right glass and i i saved someone a singapore sling which should go in a sling glass which is like a sort of shaped glass glass I served it in a

martini glass and obviously got a complaint from a customer the other day and the manager had to go out with me and I managed to sit around by saying

Mike told me to put it in that and then Mike did get in trouble he was trying to get me he was trying to make me look shit right is it like a bit of

banter or is he just horrible that's dick that isn't it banter's like go and get me a bucket of steam or go and ask for the long wait tartan paint yeah i used to get them to ask chefs for their salmon legs the new the new servers or cow eggs either one i mean tartan paint is so hack and i still fell for it when i was 19 asking chef 17 17 i literally went to the warehouse i did a job for a couple of months just after i quit college and then started again but in that few months i did some jobs and i went for a long a long stand can you go and get the

long stand can you go for a long stand i went in i went i'm here for the long stand and they went they didn't even laugh they went went, cool, just wait there. And off they went. 25 minutes. 25 minutes. And I actually went back and went, they've not given it me. I think it went past being fun.

They were like, this guy's so thick. It's not a funny joke anymore. They were like, sit down. Worrying as well that I was there for 25 minutes. And they were like,

don't worry, you don't need to do your job. You're fucking useless. I convinced the host to answer the PDQ machine the card machine I convinced her that was the phone

to the manager and I made her pick it up what? the what? the little the card machine I went if the phone goes off

and it rings more than 5 times you have to pick that one up that's the manager and she picked it up I made her I said to her once you're so evil but you're good with it I said the suppliers You're so evil But you're good with it

Said the suppliers Are fucking us up With the mint The bags are five leaves short Can you count Them three bags please She counted all the mint in the bags Counting the leaves

In the mint bag I promise you She counted every leaf In the mint bag And your boss was like Yeah this is good fun Yeah absolutely Otherwise you don't lay in

Don't lay in what? To not be a knobhead. If anyone wonders why Finn looks a little perturbed sometimes, this is why. Carl's teaching technique. I want to do one more. Are you happy? We're podding.

We're calling it a pod. What are we doing? One more. Always one more. Why do I ask? It's always one more. Eyelids um can you please have a word with people who dress are you gonna have some sandwich car

bit hungry babe go on just have a fucking bit i'll turn your mic down have a bit all right okay good fucking munching um can you please have a word with people who dress eccentrically but get pissed off when you stare at them? I'm talking about guys with long painted nails and green hair and ears stretched to look like portals into the future. My girlfriend hits me for staring when I see people dress this way, but my argument is nobody can dress like that and not expect people to be fascinated by the spectacle they have constructed.

Often, living in Londonondon i see people who dress insanely and i don't judge them for their lifestyle choices but they look fucking ridiculous and i don't think it's wrong to have a good look thanks dan johnson i have to i've done stand-up about this it's on my club comic special about i think it's totally normal if people dress a bit weird to just be like, what? This is true. I was walking up Bold Street in Liverpool once and there was a fella with a mohawk. You know, like the big green spiky one? Yeah.

Like, you know that one? Like a Sega Saurus. And I was staring at him because I was just fascinated that a man, it was like a Tuesday afternoon, was just, and he went, you looking at my hair? And I was like hungover afternoon and he went you looking at my ear and I was like hungover

and he went yeah and he went just because you've got an ear like this doesn't mean I want people staring at me and I was like it does you didn't look in the mirror on your way out today and think you were going to fucking blend in did you wow just because

and I'm also wearing a Barney the Dinosaur suit why can't I just have some privacy fucking idiot london town london town you must get this yeah that's the like but it is also hard because you're trying not to stare because you want to be respectful people but if people are just a bit odd then i'm going to i can just see this going really wrong. I just think over to you both. No, where in London do you live? Because in Shoreditch, I would imagine

there's some pretty fucking fun things going on. Yeah. Shoreditch you don't know who's homeless or you know, hipster really. Rich? Yeah. Is he homeless or does he own Shoreditch? Does he own Smack or has he got a start-up? Who knows?

Yeah. Seeing Runcorn, I think it's braver to be the eccentric hipster when you, you know. I've got more respect for those guys who are like, this is what I'm into and I'm, you know, a welder's apprentice. That fella, if I was in Shoreditch, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the Mohawk guy because there would have been three others. This is bullshit. Everyone looking at him, look at his hair. Fucking weird. That fella, if I was in Shoreditch, I probably wouldn't have even noticed the Mohawk guy because there would have been three others. It's just bulging. Everyone looking at him.

Look at his hair. Fucking weird. All these Mohawks going, dude, do something. I once saw a woman on a tube and she had really long fingernails. I mean, like, that long. And they just made these little clicking noises. So that, you want people to at least listen don't you face tattoos who's not

looking well there's a guy in bath who's just he's just completely covered right and he's the only person in bath i'd recognize on site like so you might you must want people you're not mistaken am i so you john no sorry mate i think the harder one is when girls are dressed extremely Paloma Faith. Paloma Faith? When they're dressed extremely Paloma Faith?

No, I mean like on a night out, like if you're gigging in Liverpool, you'll see girls that look like they've just finished the set at the strippers

and then there's that thing where the eye is drawn and you know, not being a perv, but you, like how are you not looking so then you look and they're like

what the fuck are you looking at and you're like you because all the boobs and bums out gonna look at some dickhead in a Ralph Lauren

shirt on the other side of the street you're gonna look and then it's awkward and you're like you fucking perv and then you get your camera

and you're like what I have to take a picture do you know what I mean and then you put it on the internet. What? I'm right, though.

That is completely fair enough. Thank you. Yes. Thank you. I think that's the awkward one where you're like, oh, God. So go back to this, though. Like, yeah.

It's not nice. But it's just human nature. If something doesn't look like its surroundings, you look at it. You've just got to get a quick look in he's gotta he's gotta time his looks that's what he needs to do yeah that's the grown-up thing to do to just be like i am looking but now i know they're looking yeah kids are just like like my daughter is older now that she basically is like what that shouldn't say these words yeah she basically goes what the fuck and you have to be like people dress how i

think that's a test you know how kids react right do you mean because kids are innocent largely do you mean so what actually so apart from the murder of kids if a kid is like what the fuck's that then then it's fair game because the kid is not being a prick the kid has been a kid yeah etta's just got my daughter's just got to the point now where she's realizing she can't just do a catchphrase thing of like say what you see because we went through a period where quite loud my daughter quite confident she's beautiful she's great but she's just like fat person not can't shout that out no but you're like that's rude to say it and then she was like but they are big they're big they're fat and you're like she's done it she does it to

who who she thinks uh is pregnant it's like our baby in the tummy my niece used to do that it's awful yeah my niece but my niece would go to people she'd'd go, why are you fat? What do you do to that? Because I overeat when I'm sad. That's what I do. I just be really real. I eat a lot because it makes me feel better when I've had a bad day. She said it to my Laura's auntie.

We were just in the pub, we just met up with them. And she was like, I have a baby in your tummy. She's like 58. And she's called Katrina. She's just brushed it off like a brooch right no love i'm just fat go on auntie katrina you fucking ledge just made it totally not awkward that's just like all right nice one just got on with the day i get it with kids with me i the innocence yeah why is your eye weird what's your eye doing Why's your eye weird? What's your eye doing? Where's your eye going? Do you tell them about how one of them's open when you're asleep?

Yeah, I go, I sleep with one eye open. I watch you. I can fucking see you coming. Yeah. Don't say that to kids you don't know, though, eh? I sleep with one eye open. They took a muscle out of this, and they put it in here. And the kid's like, mama like that, mama like that.

Listen, okay? It's weird, and it's because I'm an evil doctor, and they put it in here and the kid's like mama like that mama like that listen okay it's weird and it's because I'm an evil doctor and I kill people so fuck off mummy the man from the

nationwide advert is horrible yes love that's why he's not getting any more of them fucking adverts podcast done podcast

done where can we find you, Rosie? Just on Twitter, I guess, at RosieIsAHalt. What's that a play on? I don't know. I don't know. Instagram?

Yeah, same, RosieIsAHalt. YouTube? Yes. I can't remember what it is. RosieHalt, probably. You'll find it. Thanks for coming in. No. YouTube yes I can't remember what it is Rosie Holt probably you'll find it thanks for coming in no

no Myspace of course LinkedIn page LinkedIn LinkedIn yeah because I didn't realise

I had a LinkedIn but I still get every now and again you get something through don't you eBay selling anything not yet

not yet thanks very much it's been an absolute blast thank you very much for having me when this goes out publicly uh there will be some uh live show tickets available if you go to adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows you can book tickets for me at the edinburgh festival you can book tickets for the underbelly festival for have a word and you can also book tickets for Sunday the 15th of August. If there's any tickets left, the live show,

the live Patreon thank you show in Liverpool. We've got some spare tickets. So we're selling them. More live stuff's happening now. We're making plans to do more and more live stuff and if you want access

to those tickets early, sign up to patreon.com slash haveawordpod. Do that. Pod? Yes. adamrow.co.com slash have a word pod. Do that. Pod? Yes. adamrowe.co.uk

forward slash shows where you can get tickets for me and the podcast stuff. Bye. Thanks, Rosie. Go ahead.