Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #133 with Russell Kane - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

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Now, let's get back to the pod. All right, Shaggers. You all right? Yeah, good man how are you i uh i'm traveling about a lot this week me so uh there's a voice keeps on calling me down the road is where i'll always be do you know what getting a train somewhere is so much better than driving there I'm rowing backs keep rolling on what it's the littlest hobo the littlest

hobo yeah the tiniest smackhead yeah did you have different tv shows

when I was growing up littlest hobo from where I'm from the tiniest smackhead where you grew up

okay so where are you going on your travels the little smackhead and it's just okay so where are you going on your travels the midget smackhead and it's just a midget that's falling on hard times

little person smackhead please where are you going on the travels London been to London yesterday no

no no no went to London on Tuesday did a thing for the telly but not the telly. A Mo Gilligan show. So you do stand-up on his show, and it goes out just online.

And it was recorded in the studio that they record Loose Women in. And they've put theatre seating in there for 600 people, and their social distancing allows 60 people in it. Wow. Are they still socially distancing? Yeah, weird. I did a very good job of what could have been a tough gig. And Mo was like, that was great.

So that set will go on. I just burnt all my COVID jokes there. Then popped into town in London. Just did a set on a comedy club. Just squeezed on somewhere. That was good. Danny. Had a meeting with a London Big Shot guy

yesterday that went quite well can't tell people that's about yeah because secretive shut up

he's the new ITV News at 10 host yeah I'm the new Trevor McDonald yeah people died today

and other people are sad about it over to Jim with the weather news for spanners. There was two cars and they went bang, bang on the road and everyone was crying. There's only one news story, so before the weather.

Maybe. Should be able to act today over the weather. Maybe we should launch Hathaway News. Maybe. Hathaway of News Maybe Hathaway of News Yeah and we just have Our take on the news Once a week

Brilliant We'll just do The news we want to do So it's not just like Half the week It's not like Where there's like You know the

It's not what we already do Nah Yeah No If something goes on We come and talk about it No different It's with this

With weather We find like obscure stuff And we tell them good news As well as bad news So it's not just like Oh. It's with this with weather. We find like obscure stuff and we tell them good news as well as bad news. Oh all right. It's not just like oh Syrian again. Nah boredom. What's the opposite of Syria? Bloody America doing well. They're rich. We could be on BBC3 and Russell Howard could host it. Russell Howard's good news? Yeah. Similar to that, but with us.

Right? Russell Howard's good news with Adam and Dan. I think he'd have an issue with that name, wouldn't he? We'd kill that fucker.

But we do it so it's like, we do both, so we show the good and bad side of the world. So we're like, oh, Syria, where?

And then we're like, but this kid had an eighth birthday party and nothing went wrong the bouncy castle came on time the food was quite nice everyone had a good time yeah all right okay so they're not like they're not either side of the same story like syria and then an eight-year-old's birthday not like a woman was killed but john you know did his hobby which is for killing women it's a weird hobby it's a weird hobby he didn't hear what i said because he was like john are you the co-anchor what is dan the co-anchor we're both i'm not looking to do more work at this point two main

anchors on atv news that is on have a weird news right yeah I think two news readers is not good cop bad cop one of us does the good news one of us does the bad news right what do you want to do you like everyone had a fucking

great time at little Timmy's birthday Dan everybody tied there was a bomb and it blew up body parts everywhere

Adam fucking hell pogo sticks are fucking wicked what's that news the news it's just in

pogo sticks are fucking fantastic oh right because that was less retarded than your fucking news that you started at the start

it's more opinion more opinion no editorial yeah it's already breaking down it's not my vision for Hoverware News Thinking me the weather girl

Still doesn't get it Mike It's raining Just Doing what weather people do Oh rain over there Sunshine Do you know what I think with that They still do the thing don't they

Where it's not there Why don't they just it's not there do you want to imagine it green screen yeah why don't they just have a telly yeah because maybe the glare with the camera perhaps maybe

they're worried about people in the audience with laser pens shanning on it what what do you mean is it an audience what do you mean the audience

is it an audience for the news what do you mean the audience well I've got tickets for the news tonight can't fucking mean the audience? Well, I've got tickets for the news tonight. I can't fucking wait. Yeah. What are you hoping for?

Train crash. I'd love it if a train crash was headlining. I'd go and watch the news, wouldn't you? No. Like a Saturday Night Live. Imagine doing TV warm-up for the news. Well, it sounds as shit as all TV warm-up. I just went through it in my head.

Have you been before? You've been before, mate? What did you see last time? It was 9-11. It was fucking brilliant. That would be a good day to go. Let's say the news is fucking Istanbul. News fans are still talking about that.

It is. When I did journalism, my journalism teacher said 9-11 was the best day of his career. He said they all woke up and went out and they were like...

I thought you were going to say life then, you know. Well, if it's the best day, he was like, yeah, rubbing our hands together, like, we've got fucking... Do you reckon it was the best day of Bin Laden's life?

Do you reckon he finally felt a sense of achievement? That's face. Before he wanders off into fucking goofy cunt town, your journalism... Yeah, said it was the best day of his career. Wow. He said all of the...

On the day. No, we didn't say... Not while it was happening, like, whoa, another in the tower. This is going to be great for at least two weeks. Absolutely. Genuinely. Do you know what happened in our school?

This is 100 true and you'll be able to back me up on this everywhere in the same school together so no no i don't mean on the day oh so in year seven i think it was in art do you remember painting 9 11 and stuff i do know yeah right and right the teacher this was genuinely how our teacher introduced this lesson. Right? So she went, obviously, in 2001, there was the terrorist attacks in New York and across America. He doesn't believe it.

I remember drawing the square at the top of one of the Twin Towers. You can grab that. I swear. Honestly, it's coming back. Dan, I'm obviously paraphrasing a little bit, so it's not worth a word, but this is pretty much what she said. What year were you in year seven?

What year was I in year seven? I was in year seven. 2002. Oh, a year after 9-11. So it was a one-year anniversary. 2003 it was, because I remember me... Oh, no, 2005 year seven. Because I remember my email was like row 03 or something.

Yeah, but then we're 13. Oh, hold on. 11 you are. You're 11. It's 03. So it's a couple of years later, right? And this is- How did you remember what?

No, it was 05. Because my password was rowy03. All right. So this is how she introduced 9-11. Obviously, the terrorist attacks on 9-11 were awful, but they gave us a lot of great images to paint. And I remember her saying those words because I remember being like,

it's a weird positive to spit on it. And we had to draw in pencil the Twin Towers with the planes hanging out of them and all the fire and then paint it and i swear to god he's not lying because i've only got like a flashbulb memory of me drawing like this joan like you do like to make it look like 3d yeah he's not i forgot we do three lines and two of them are shorter than the other and it's like yeah yeah and it's like wow that gets closer yeah yeah oh my god yeah yeah planes hanging And it's like, what? That bit's closer. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, yeah. What?

Planes hanging out. That's how she did it. Planes hanging out. It was like in a dart board. I drew a plane. The plane went in. Half the plane was stuck out. Yeah, yeah.

It was for a bit, wasn't it? Maybe a millisecond. No, it would, visually, if you're doing a picture of when the plane was halfway in, but it didn't get stuck in it, did it? I thought it did. No. It blew up. No, no. Imagine being at the back of the plane was halfway in. But it didn't get stuck in it, did it? I thought it did. No. It blew up.

Imagine being at the back of the plane. What's happening? They probably knew. Had an inkling. One guy with his eye mask on, his ear plugs in. Trash! What's going on? Are we in New York yet

Well yeah And guess what You're not going to have to pay For a taxi to town Can you fucking turn down Whatever you're doing up there I'm trying to watch Die Hard 2 Makes sense

Chronologically Makes sense Yep Yep So anyway Yeah I was in London yesterday Die Hard 2 on a flight In 2001

Why would that not be a thing I don't know Seems like a Not a very New release that one is it No you don Why would that not be a thing? I don't know. Seems like not a very new release, that one, is it? No, you don't. It's not like a fucking cinema, is it? Well. I watched Adam on the way home from Japan.

That's true. On the plane. Yeah? Yeah. And prayed for a tower. There was one episode of the stand-up sketch show. And before I pressed play, I went, this is Adam's episode. I just knew it

and it was oh my god we're connected you're so connected and how did people think about you masturbating on the plane was that alright

I had the visor on oh nice one yeah yeah yeah the visor on so they couldn't see me no there's a glare on the visor they couldn't see me

people with lace pens in the audience oh my god the weather woo woo woo woo with lace pens in the audience. Oh my God! The weather! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Woo! And Sky News ever send like a crew to ITV News and it's like an away game. When they have a fight. It's their boo and Trevor McDonald. Is he still alive? Yeah. He does documentaries. He always goes to prisons, doesn't he?

Oh no, he's not doing news. He's like, yeah, he's doing the... He's doing the seniors tour, isn't he? no he's not he's not doing news he's like yeah he's doing the he's doing the seniors tour isn't he where he just pops in a documentary he's like a former president

yes yeah yeah he's like I'm not a president anymore I just talk shit for the living now yeah yeah what do you reckon

you should have to do to be said to be knighted I reckon like delete a lot of YouTube episodes of this podcast

I think if we get to 50,000 Patreons, she's got to consider it. It'll probably be Charles by then, so he's got to consider it. Right. Yeah. What? I think it'll be Charles next year. The royal family are really into Patreon stats. No, but they're probably not also into, like, after...

People thought they'd just get told, oh, this guy's been doing well, give him a thing. Right. Yeah, so hopefully someone... Do you think she's there... Someone in government is really on top of UK comedy podcasts and there's Patreon subscriptions. No, but if you've got 50,000...

No, but you don't start with a cert. You very rarely start with a knighthood. You get one of those noncey, like, MBEs, OBEs, CBEs, all of that shite. I'd turn that down. If you turn that down, it's not like, no, you're not haggling with them. Adam, we want to give you an MBEs, OBEs, CBEs, all of that shite. I'd turn that down. If you turn that down, it's not like, no, you're not haggling with them. Adam, we want to give you an MBE.

Fuck off! I'm going to need to see more than an MBE. I want to be the Duke of fucking West Derby. Like, you can't turn it down. It's like a promotion, isn't it? I'd be like, no, I'd be like, listen. Pleb to fucking. I'd be like, listen, love, all due respect and that,

if I'm not being a say, you can fucking shove it up your ass. Yeah, all right, see you next year then. Who do you reckon the worst night is? What? Like, who do you reckon the worst night is? Tuesday. What? Tuesday night.

Tuesday night. Don't know what to press. It's got to be something. And if anyone comments That was a fucking great talk by Adam You need your fucking head check in You massive MBE Ralph Harris

Was he a knight Or was he just the OBA NBA No he was Sir Ralph Harris Wasn't he Was he Sir Ralph Harris And Jimmy as well I don't think he got it I don't think he can be

He's Australian Can you be a foreign knight Dan What Sorry What did he say I just wanna Sorry bruv

er Ralph Harris you had a it was a night I don't think he got it for fucking kids though can we do it one more time can we Charlie Sossit

sorry bruv what you say hold on erm Ralph Harris was a night I don't think he got it for fucking kids though

I do not think you have the facilities to do that big man erm er yeah there's a couple of shaggies isn't there Sorry for fucking kids now. I do not think you have the facilities to do that, big man. Yeah. There's a couple of shaggers, isn't there? Ralph Farris, Jimmy Chagas. For services to fucking kids.

Put a condom on the fucking sword. Why don't we start? Have a weird night, hoods. Absolute fucking shagga. Have a weird night, hoods. Have a word, knighthoods. You are literally like a fucking magpie that sees anything shiny. I'm really glad we didn't start talking about gay

saunas today. Why don't we start the have a word, bumming emporium. Finn, it'll be a bit like Studio 2. You and Freddie, get the thing going. Bumming emporium. Bumming emporium. I didn't want to just say gay sauna. Oh no, that was great. The bumming emporium. The bumming emporium. I didn't want to just say gay sauna. Oh, no, that was great.

Bumming emporium. Emporium was beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bumming emporium. The use of the M in both words really trickles off nicely. Oh, trickles didn't feel right. Just call it the bumporium. The bumporium?

Yeah. That sounds... Bumporium. Poren something. Bumporium. Sounds like a foreign name Doesn't it Pour some lube Into his asshole

And then bum him Yep Once again Adam's audio description Of gay sex is Horrifying It's actually worse Than a lot of the gay porn

You know the way We call Harry the goat And like Then there's other goats Who aren't quite goat goat like Dan Johnson and that for sending all the questions

why don't we knight them all on Sunday we'll queue them up get them on stage and we'll knight them but instead of with a sword I'll do it with my dick each shoulder

right in the face big venue content but you can reach there's something I didn't know Robert Mugabe was knighted by the Queen really

oh wow erm a money crazed murdering cunt was er sharking kids as well that's mad that

what was it for did you get knighted for services or something yeah it doesn't say it just says when he was stripped oh I'm gone

giving us oil it was just like erm there's no oil in Zimbabwe it's farmland what's in but he was stripped oh i'm gone giving us oil it was just like um there's no oil in zimbabwe what's in but he was stripped of it for being why did he look at stee stee you're a zimbabwe expert um robert mcgarvey yeah mad wow you're not blowing me away if you were going to get knighted like for something you've done in your life what do you think it would be for services to what what have you done service to?

Beat the Frog? Services to Beat the Frog? Services to New Comedy in the North West? KFC. Because everything else has basically been for me. I could be nice for services to the fatties in Pop World. Right. Right. Once again.

Royal Family really reaching with their who needs to be... It's the Queen's birthday honours. For not losing your shit with mentally insane open spots for about 20 years, Dan Nightingale. And for fucking 4A... What are they called? 4AMers?

Yeah. What's the title? What do you call them? The four o'clockers, yeah. The four o'clockers. Yeah. What's the title? What do you call them? The four o'clockers, yeah. The four o'clockers. Yeah. For sticking your massive dick in the heebie-jeebies wildlife.

With stuff like knighting is like how... I know it's sort of like a ritual and like performative and all that, but it's mad how stringent they are on certain rules. Like she can't do it with that hand, can she? Why? It's my hand that is a riff on the best joke it's like a

a callback i love it i was like yeah he's on great i saw that written i saw his words come out like I love it. I was like, yeah. He's on great form. I saw that written. I saw his words come out. It's fine. Do you mind using that one? This is, if anyone's wondering what's going on with Adam,

I think he slept quite well and he's had a strong coffee. Right. That is, that is literally, you know, like if Adam has slept well and he's had a strong coffee right this that is that is literally you know like if adam has slept well and everything's going good he's got gigs careers flying that's great and this is fucking this podcast is doing better than we were like even at this point i'm like what right but basically him sleeping and coming in in a good mood and then having a strong coffee he's basically like a mento in the fucking Coke bottle, isn't it?

And he's like, fucking yes. Do you know everything with the knighting? You'd love it if she just got like very quick onset dementia and just fucking jabbed it

in someone's neck. Or they tricked someone. So they're like, like, like Ralph Harris, for example. They go, oh,

do you want a knighthood? And then he gets in, he just gets fucking stabbed. Ah, you fucking nonsense. Oops, one slipped. No, she's just like, Ralph Harris, for example. They go, oh, do you want a knighthood? And then he gets there and he just gets fucking stabbed. Ah, you fucking nuns. Oops, one slipped. No. She's just like,

and you? Fucked kids, you horrible, dirty Australian twat. After you, fucking nuns. She's well known for taking a stance.

BBC One. Have you got a live audience for that as well? Whoa, it's the knighthood. It's not live though, is it? They do it live on BBC One. No, it? They do it live on BBC One. No, they don't do it live on BBC One.

When are the fucking Queen's birthday honours ever done live on BBC One? You'll have seen videos of it. Yeah. They do it live on BBC One. Really? Yeah. Can't wait.

Let's get tickets. No, you can't go. Oh, can you get them on the day? Is it like the Gladys Street? I think everyone who's getting a nighthood gets like a couple of comps. Skiddle. Right.

Yeah. It's a passworded comps. Skiddle. Right. Yeah. It's a password and ticket link. Yeah, yeah. Does the Queen have patrons that she's got to sell the tickets to first? But they do it live. If one is on my Patreon. Do it live now.

Because I'm not even lying. What's the lowest tier of the Queen's patron? For 20,000 guineas. Do you think that would only work once, wouldn't it? Because if you were a nonce and you got invited along you'd be like I'm not going there

yeah but then that's how it would it would actually in the long term pay off because you stab Roel Farris

you fucking nonce cunt right he's dead and then you invite other people and when they go nah nah nah

I'm not going then you're like ah what's he done and then you can arrest them and interrogate them in Guantanamo Bay so everyone says no it isn't live by the way

it's a potential nonce it isn't live well they're not a potential nonce but like they've seen what's happened to Rolf and they're they're hesitant it's a deterrent

so they're like nah I'm not going I might get stabbed the fuck in maybe I've and then they'll stop being a paedophile right

so then you go and get it out of them by waterboarding them right it's a good system yeah queen quite elaborate though isn't it yeah

starting people on a telly just to catch criminals tell me it wouldn't work it would work tell me it wouldn't work the fucking 95 year old queen with a sword in her she doesn't do them anymore

does she who does her she doesn't do them anymore does she who does her she's she's too old she's one of those that Prince Charles does it they go down the ranks you'd be gutted

if you got fucking Prince Edward or something like oh one of the shit ones yeah imagine if the queen ever had like at this point in her life

Prince Andrew's not fucking stabbing a paedophile is he come on he's stabbing kids with his dick yep oh Jimmy Innuendo allegedly what does he mean did you miss stabbing a pedophile is he come on stabbing kids with his dick yep oh jimmy innuendo

what does he mean did you miss what i was inferring don't worry adam's here with the good news but imagine if the queen right it just had like a an 11 like because like they say like people have a midlife crisis but she's well past that so she's like a 9 10th life crisis imagine if she just had it right and she was just like fuck this

right I've been the queen did she sound Irish then fuck this fuck this jeez I'm not doing this no more I'm from fucking Dublin anyway no but imagine

do you know like how Harry has like relinquished his royal thing because he's had to. Because he's got a mental wife who's dead fit. It's like, we're not doing this anymore. And he's like, all right, I'm ginger. I'm on Megan's side. Sorry, Piers.

I didn't say I wasn't on Megan's side. If I was a mental wife. Mate, she's fucking fit. She's beautiful. I'm sure they've suffered at the hands of a weirdly racist institutional royal family. But if I was a ginger kid and that wanted to bang me, I'd be like, whatever you want, hon.

Let's go to LA and do Netflix. He's a prince, though, isn't he? That's not the only fucking crime pussy he's ever had. He's a ginger prince. He could pork any poon. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar Wilde. Thanks for that. He could pork any poon yeah oh i'm sorry oscar wilde thanks for that he could

pork any poon but imagine if the queen the bumming emporium the porking of the poon carl's awful alliteration imagine if she just fucked it off the queen she's like i'm not doing that anymore and then you went to fucking like abdicated yeah and then you went to alicante and you like about to hire a jet ski and you could just see the queen on one she's like yeah fucking great there's never been allowed to do this because i was the queen now i'm just fucking liz just liz just liz that'd be the title of a book that they the deal should get just yeah she's starting a podcast aren't they all Yeah 95 year olds Going to Alicante Former queens In Alicante Your working class

Perspective is amazing She can just buy Alicante Not if she Fucks off She won't get the money Right yeah If she did that Would they

Would they bring Would they be like A sort of amnesty On money And then they Put someone else's face On it and give you the I think It just would go out Of circulation Wouldn't it Take years Do you reckon She's got a bank like a sort of amnesty on money and then they put someone else's face on it and give you the...

I think it just would go out of circulation, wouldn't it? Take years. Do you reckon she's got a bank card? Oh, I wonder. Do you reckon she's got like a bank? Do you reckon she's got like a Netflix? She loves how my celebrity get me out of here.

I bet they have got a Netflix. I wonder if she's watched The Crown on Netflix. She has. She said. Has she watched The Crown? Well, they have to okay a lot of it, don't they? got a Netflix. I wonder if she's watched The Crown on Netflix. She has. She said. Has she watched The Crown? Well, they have to okay a lot of it, don't they? Oh, my God. I've watched, but they didn't okay a lot of it.

They hated it. No, no. I'm not surprised, because it really does paint them in a... As murderous. Yeah, she does. London-based private bank. Coup. Is that coup French?

Coup d'encore? But it's not just not a recovery card. Coups. Yeah. It's Purple World not just an ordinary card. Coups. Yeah. It's purple, world, Mastercard, Signia card.

It's an ultra-exclusive Amex card, but the British version. It's so posh that they probably don't accept it at Aldi. They'll be like, what is this?

Do you reckon it's ever declined? Do you reckon she's ever been in like Nando's and it's gone arse? Hasn't gone through? Try again. Nando's Alicante. Do you reckon she's ever been in like Nando's And it's gone Hasn't gone through Try again Nando's Alicante Do you reckon she's ever had a Nando's?

Like delivered Obviously she hasn't been to a Nando's But do you reckon they've ever like delivered a rude one? What is this for breakfast? She's just tried it Do you reckon she has like cornflakes? Yeah I bet sometimes Bit of toast on the side

I think breakfast is You can't really go too fucking mental with breakfast. By the time we get into tea time, we're, you know, frog war and poor people. Do you reckon she's ever just like, I just want to make a toastie? Coca noodles or something?

Yeah. Just like a pot noodle. Do you reckon she's ever had a pot noodle, a chicken and mushroom? No. I'd bet not. You know, because she's got the purple nonce fucking

higher than a vowel. Sometimes it doesn't matter. The purple nonce, I just, I was talking about the bank card. That's blue though. Yeah. She's got a fin.

She's got a fin. Subtitle laughing. My queen speech for this year. Yeah. Do you reckon she's at, like, just, because like,

do we ever get to answer these questions? I feel like we just asked about 19 fucking questions in a minute. Okay, then, go on. Do you reckon she's ever had the Nando's? Yes or no? Genuinely? Yeah.

No. Okay. Is my guess. I reckon she's had Nando's style food. Where? Oh, I want chicken with peri-peri. I reckon they'll make it for her. No, I don't.

I don't think the Queen is like, I want chicken with peri-peri. I reckon you'll make it for her. No, I don't. I don't think the Queen is like, I want chicken with peri-peri. What about Nando's, ma'am? Nah, we're not doing it because that would look common. We'll just fuck here. Do you reckon she has to watch Avvies when she watches the telly?

Yeah. It's mad, innit? I think she has to watch them. She can't skip them. I reckon she's got a live feed and she doesn't have to watch it. And she doesn't want it. If she went to Nando's,

what do you reckon she'd get? What do you reckon her order is? She's definitely getting the hummus. Is it the first time? Yeah, starter and she's getting a main with two sides. A lot of people like chicken off the bone and she's old school, isn't she? I think she'd be into that. I can't stand chicken off the bone.

But is that not the classic Nando's? I reckon she'd get a whole chicken, yeah. Yeah? A whole chicken. Garlic bread. F whole chicken, yeah. Yeah? Whole chicken. Garlic bread. With fries and garlic bread. Why? Why? Why is that your queen order?

Because I think she'd just be like, I want her whole animal because I'm the queen. And she wouldn't finish it, but she won't care. Yeah, it would be a bit random if the queen went into Nando's and went, I'll try the beanie wrap. Like, it's not, yeah. That shows a bit of knowledge of Nando's, doesn't it? try the beanie wrap. Like it's not, yeah, that shows a bit of knowledge of Nando's,

doesn't it? What you going, lemon and herb, medium? Oh no, you go. Oh, I think she's old.

They're not going super spicy are the old people. Medium. Petty tamer. Petty tamer, like she's a toddler. She's watered, isn't she?

Yeah, that's what Sam gets there, petty tamer. Barbecue. It's barbecue chicken in Nando's. We chicken in Nando's we went for Nando's yesterday

puts tomato sauce on his chicken so tomato ketchup yeah ring the police right okay that's Steve by the way he's not backed up

Jesus Christ puts tomato sauce on his Nando's you trash yeah pedophile you fucking trash you trash so I don't think

you're getting knighted Adam and I as much as I think it would do this podcast the fucking world of good, it would be great. 50,000 patrons, we should get like a knighthood for services

to entertainment. Yeah. We are also getting that sort of, you know, money for having 50,000 patrons. They take that into account. We probably might need to do, I don't want to upset anyone, something for

charity in any way at some point because i think they look quite favorable on that if you want a knighthood we gave finna job right okay good jimmy savel shag loads of kids just because he did charity doesn't matter does it he's kind of ruined that look yeah he's ruined charity doing charity now it's sort of like what have you got to the fuck? Is that what you say to the charity muggers on the street? Excuse me, sir. Can you send any for like UNICEF? Fuck off. What am I, a pedo?

Yeah. It's a great, great comeback. Do you know, I felt really bad yesterday, twofold. Right. So. Go on. I was walking down Carnaby Street in London

and I got approached by a charity mugger yeah and and look we've we've spoke about it a couple of times

we got in a bit of trouble on this podcast for jokes that sort of reference disabled people and the charity mugger yesterday

came up to me and was like, excuse me, sir. And I went, I'm sorry, I'm just not interested. That's how I said it. And I didn't mean to be that rude or short. But like, she made a proper beeline for me and like jumped out at me and it fucking,

like it wasn't like, excuse me, sir. It was like, no. And I went, excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm not interested. And I didn't mean to be that short. And then I looked on her top and it said equality For disabled people And I was like Yeah

That was a hell of a jump But you're not interested Sorry I'm not interested Like she was trying to sell me A fucking New iPhone Not now As well

I'm sorry not now But not now's Like less like Go fuck you And everything you stand for It's like It's more about me Not now's more like,

I haven't got the time. We were walking through town the other day and there was one, he went, I know him. Pointing at him going, it's you, innit? The comedian. And he didn't look at him once. Like, it's you.

But I didn't look at him. Not interested. Yeah. He just walked away. Yeah, fair enough. Do you know what happened on Saturday last week? Carnaby Street, guys. Adam was on Carnaby Street.

I think, I think I told you this. Did I tell you about the women who had me mutterfuck off under my breath? Yeah. Yeah. Someone tried to grab me for a picture, and I was just like, you don't get to touch me and pull me just because you've fucking shared a clip of mine.

And he went, come here, mate, go and get a picture. And I went, poor T-shirt. And I went, mate, I'm going to get me dinner, sorry. And I walked away with my umbrella, and I got about five yards away from him. I went, come here, mate. Go and get a picture. And I went, poor T-shirt. And I went, mate, I'm going to get me dinner. Sorry. And I walked away with my umbrella. And I got about five yards away from him. And I went, just fuck off.

Because it really pissed me off. Like, people being that sort of. And there was two women next to me. I went, yeah, that lad. They're funny. It's not grab strange, isn't it? Someone done it to me in Mojo the other day. He stopped me leaving.

I was like, lad, don't touch me, please. Right. Of the three of us stopped me leaving and I was like lad don't touch me Please Right of the three of us Carl's the one you should Don't touch Carl Just don't touch anyone Don't touch people And certainly don't grab I just want to be recognised I'll take a touch with the first being recognised

I will literally walk with my knob out If our listeners just walk past Dan on Sunday Like If no one at any point It would be terrible with my knob out. If our listeners just walk past Dan on Sunday. If no one at any point. It would be terrible. If everyone just left me alone and I didn't have to do 900 pictures. Don't do that to me, guys.

That'd be banter. You would be busted, though. Mate, I'll be on the fucking piss an hour and a half earlier. You'd be devastated if we were stopped by the roller banners we've got and people just kept coming up and going,

Adam and Carl, can we just get a quick picture? And then they just walk past you like, all right, mate. You have a go. If that happened twice, I'd go, and then I'd be in the dressing room.

You can't do that. You've got to stay there. No, no, don't. I'm sorry. We're 50% business partners and you're doing as much work as I am. No, not if I'm not, because you've set it up

as I'm getting ignored. That's fine. That is absolutely fine. What if there's people at the back of the queue who just want a picture with you, and now you've fucked them off after the sport we've had off them for over a year? You're a joke.

Fucking bellend. Don't pull my t-shirt like you did before. I don't know, you didn't. Hey, it's new this. It's on the street that I, I want to be like hey it's like a

hey at your own gig like that's fine is that a llama I think I thought it was a camel and I got it

but it isn't you are a silly lady do you know if that wore jeans yeah how did you think it was a camel I don't know I just like

there's no hump yeah I know I was wrong oh okay if it wore jeans would it have two pairs of jeans on Where did you think it was a camel? I don't know. There's no hump. Yeah, I know. I was wrong. Oh, okay. If it wore jeans, would it have two pairs of jeans on? Like there. Or one from its neck? The old classic question, isn't it?

Yeah. Do the jeans on an animal go around its arse, or do they go sort of across its legs? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because these legs, these are the arms, really, aren't they? For the listeners, Google what a llama looks like and imagine it wearing jeans. I think it goes on the legs, personally.

Two pairs of jeans. You've been sponsored by llamas. I went to Chester Zoo yesterday. Went to Chester Zoo. Did you get the thing on the thing yet with the screeching? The what, the what? The what? I thought that was llama to Chester Zoo.

I didn't think that was too much of a... No, you can have it. Okay, thank you. Plus, I've not done it. No. I went to Chester Zoo I didn't think that was too much of a you can have it okay thank you plus I've not done it no I went to Chester Zoo yesterday didn't see a llama

saw camels with humps my nephew was I love it when kids are geeky about stuff was absolutely over the

like there was at Chester Zoo they've got lions they've got tigers and bears and bears oh my they've got peng zoo they've got lions they've got tigers and bears and bears oh my they've got penguins they've got giraffes rhinos he was like i can't wait to see the capybaras he was fucking hyped for the capybaras what's that i don't fucking know but it was like

he was like mate there's only two of these in the world and Chester Zoo have bred them he's got he was so excited about seeing capybaras you know when like he's like 11 did you get to see them so I was like

of course and then I was winding up going oh you were excited about seeing the kookaburras he was like like no he was like the capybaras does this man think

or this child think there's only two I saw maybe 10,000 capybaras when I went away are they capybaras i mean it's whatever you want to say they're everywhere you know why because it's fucking shit we will we went past the tigers we went past the tigers which are literally you've got to be top five it's just a big fucking guinea pig yeah but they're so cute almost to the point when i

saw them i thought he was going to be like yeah i was doing a bit and he was like oh my god we saw the capybaras i was like great but he's lying about that because they're everywhere there was shit loads yeah a fucking capybara no he didn't say there was only two of them left in the world but he was it was the level of excitement then we got to the capybar, and nearly, there was more people in front of these fuckers than there were at any other point in the zoo. They're so cute, that's why. They're just massive, fat guinea pigs. They look like hamster hippos.

They do look like hamster hippos. Genuinely. Never seen a kid more buzzed for something. Do you know what a quokka is? How can you be more excited for that than monkeys? Yeah, totally. What are the top three zoo animals buzzed for something. Do you know what a quokka is? How can you be more excited for that than monkeys? Yeah. Totally. What are the top three zoo animals that you get into? This is the cutest animal I've ever been able to see. Quokka.

Look at that, mate. Yeah, but these are the kind of ones that they've got. If you go to the zoo, they're like the open spot animals, aren't they? The headliners are the tigers and lions. Mate, that's the cutest animal. I just think monkeys are the best I always wanted a monkey when I was a kid

Monkey's the compere, I think You're excited about seeing the monkeys And the orangutan See, I'd happily just go to a monkey world Where it's just monkeys Stoke-on-Trent Fuck off Monkey world, Stoke-on-Trent

Can we go to monkey world? Oh my god, can we go to Monkey World? Oh my God, can we go to Monkey World? Yes. I begged my mum when I was a kid to buy me a monkey because my bedroom

when I was a kid had a little, like an en suite cupboard. Like a big fucking cupboard. And I was like, I could turn that into like the monkey's bedroom. And I'm sure she was so close

to letting me get one. Such amazing working backwards. Well, I've got this space and what would you use it for? I think, monkey enclosure. Is that what you'd steal? Because we've got a question

about this. If you had to steal an animal from a zoo, what would you go for and how would you do it? Are you stealing a, are you stealing a monkey?

Can't they talk to me? What? Have you done mescaline? Right. Is it just stealing here or are we like working together to get out? What do you mean? No, I mean genuinely it's a monkey at the zoo. What he's saying is possible.

It doesn't have to talk. Right, okay. A monkey then, yeah. It's just, wait, what happened there? What happened there? I didn't know whether it was in reality or fantasy. Oh, right, okay, good. I thought I was like, what animal would you steal from the zoo?

Basically, I- Can the monkey fly? And does it have a tank in the keys to the tank? Shit, I want to steal you monkey. Nice one, Adam. Jump in the tank. We're fucking out of here. No, like if I was able to communicate

with the animals somehow and wait because I've seen him, it'd be a lion. Right. Because I'd be a lion. Right. Because I'd ride it out. Right. But if that's not possible then I'm just putting it in my coat.

What would you say to the lion if he could talk? You've got sort of telepathy with lions. Yeah. So he's sat there like and then you go

Yeah. Right lad. Oh my God you can talk to lions and I'd be like yeah yeah it's a scouse lion well it's in Chester Zoo

it was probably bred there so he's probably like got scouse trainers there must be a few right legitimately could have a scouse all he's heard all day he's like

fuck it oh look at the lions oh my god zoos in the north are great the Chester Zoo's great but in the middle of the school holidays

you realise how fucking stupid the people of the north sound when they're how fucking stupid the people of the North sound when they're seeing animals like, oh my God, a rhino! You're like, oh. It was like the DVD extras of stupid Northern cunts everywhere.

Fucking hell, they are really big. They're fucking stinking! Oh my God! Shut up! I'm from the North and you ruined my zoo experience Oh my god Lions are fucking beautiful

Lions must be like I would bite your stupid cunt northern head off So I'm talking to the lion Yeah So the lion's like Hello No He's like what

What I'm not doing a scouse lion He's in Chester it's fucking legitimately possible you go what is lad I'm like listen lad you're aced here

don't you and he'd be like well they feed me and you know what I mean but like I'd rather be somewhere and I'd be like look I've got a back

garden there and Crocky Park's right by ours I've heard of it so I'd be like I'm gonna jump in don't let your fucking man fucking eat me and I'll ride you out I'll get us out of it so I'll be like I'm gonna jump in don't let your fucking man fucking eat me

and I'll ride you out I'll get us out of here so you jump in to the lion enclosure and he's agreed with all his mates even though they could be hungry

and bored lad lad he's sound he's with me you're the lions plus one into the lion enclosure then tell me how

you on top of a lion that already couldn't get one into the lion enclosure. Then tell me how you, on top of a lion that already couldn't get out of the lion enclosure, get out of the lion enclosure. So obviously the zoo people, right? That's what they're called as well. That's their official title. They study zoo people studies at university. They'd be like, they'd be allergic to the fact

someone has fell into the lion enclosure. Right. Right? Yeah. So then they'd have to come and try and get... Is Adam Rowe in the lion enclosure? Don't touch me! I've talked about this on a public episode.

Don't touch me! Is that Sir Adam Rowe riding a lion? So then, as he comes and opens the gate to come and get me out... Right. Then we just make a break for it it's c sat on the back of the lion and questioned what was going on these zoo people really think lions are stupid as you get people out the line enclosure if they fall then you open the gate and go get out mate and the lion comes over and goes can i come out so you're like no way you're a lion in you go you know your place locked

and then yeah down the fucking m53 at the m53 what are you gonna go you're gonna go run corn you're gonna do the bridge or you're gonna do the tunnel sorry for the delay everyone adam Rowe is riding a lion through the tunnel I wonder what if the pay is that £1.80 on the radio that's on the

tunnel tunnel yeah that was the silly bit that was the silly bit the silly bit was there isn't

a tannoy in the tunnel stupid Dan what it'd die from the fumes as well what it'd probably die from the fumes as well. What? It'd probably die from the fumes.

Fucking love. It'd be the most amazing thing. At the barriers to go on the King's Way Tunnel, just in a queue. Car, car, car. Adam on a lion. Car, car, car. I'm just going fast.

I'm going fast track. I reckon the lions are free. You know what I mean? Motorbikes are free. Yeah. Do you reckon they're Free or is it like I don't think they've

I don't think they've got the signage It'd be a big sign Wouldn't it Of all the animals That Adam Rowe can ride How fast Can a lion run With

14 stone men on the back That's a popular Google search 80 kilometres an hour There we go In short bursts Yeah How the fuck do you. 80 kilometers an hour. There we go. In short bursts. Yeah. How the fuck do you get 80 kilometers an hour

in a short burst? It's like a motorbike. Lions can run 50 miles an hour for up to 36 feet. No, I can leap up to 36 feet. They can run for 50 miles an hour. For going through the tunnel. Fuck running.

You get the lion to jump onto a car. Or jump over the tunnel. Over the Mersey. Do you think the whole Mersey is 36 feet? It's probably about 30. And the tannoy was the silly bit.

You're not fucking tannoyed, Dan. Over the Mersey. Can lions swim with Adam Rowe on their back? How fast can lions swim? T rowe on their back how fast can lions swim it's hanoi down question that oh can lions swim this is the record olympic silver for a lion silver who's beating

who's beating him yeah let's end on a question see the way it says the lion is native to africa and india do you reckon there's like anywhere where they're also

where they haven't found them do you reckon like there's parts of antarctica where there's just fucking loads of lions or like maybe like a cave in Brazil or something? Peterborough.

Peterborough. On an island between Ireland and Wales. Lion Island. 14 miles off the coast of Dublin. They don't have lions, they have Manx cats, don't they? Three-legged cats, aren't they?

Three? On the Isle of Man there's loads of three-legged cats. I wasn't talking about that. I wasn't talking about that. I wasn't talking about that island. Yeah, I thought it was just a short tail. Yeah, they're just short tails. Oh.

What the fuck are you talking about? That's not what I was talking about. I was making a reference to the made-up island we did, not the Isle of Man. I don't know where the Isle of Man came in there. It's in the middle of... No, it's not what we were talking about. If a cat had three legs,

wouldn't it have them all down the middle? The Isle of Man is off the coast of Wales and Ireland. What the fuck are you on about? No, it's not, you numpty. It's off the coast of... Wales is there. Ireland's there. It's there.

Dan, can you answer that question, please? If a cat had three legs, would it be like A reliant robin Or would it have Three down the middle I think it's probably Lost a leg So it's

I'd love to have No more questions In this section There's the most Retarded questions We've had in one section Of this podcast It'd be like

It'd topple to the easy With another in the middle It's the ballast of three Can we go for some food Nice Go ahead You know there's A disturbance It's the ballast of three Can we go for some food? Nice Go ahead You know there's a disturbance in the force When it's me doing an ad read

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Raw hide. Put them up. Raw hide. One of your favourite songs? Doesn't that used to be a TV show? Theme tune. Yeah, Clint Eastwood. Yeah, on ITV.

Yeah, it was Clint Eastwood's cookery show it was Clint Eastwood's ITV show cookery show rawhide but he was like Clint you need to cook that

and he's like I'm not cooking it he said go ahead make my day make me a chicken fried rice did he say it with that accent right at the end

that's Clint Eastwood can you say chicken fried rice without being racist chicken fried rice oh that's a thing though there was a little bit. Do you know what my genuine thought was then? What's my voice?

Rawhide, the comedy club in Liverpool, used to play it as their thing. And I know you think it sounds shit, but it was actually pretty good. I don't know what it was about. You know when comedy clubs have got their, this is our piece of music before the show, and there are some that are irritating.

Groove is in the heart, the frog and bucket. It was annoying. We've said it on here before, just the tonic playing Sympathy for the Devil by the Rolling Stones, although it goes on a tad too long, it is pretty cool. Tunes everyone in, they know that that's the thing.

Rawhide, the theme tune, was fucking great as well. Mine was the best at Arsh Gong Show. It was... Oh, this was actually really good. I used to time it with a light switch off as well. So, you know... Oh, no, it was fucking great. With a light switch off.

Can I think what it is? Go on. I can't... It's so good. I'm so proud of myself for this. So I don't see nothing wrong with a bit of bump and grind. No. Light switch.

I don't see nothing wrong. Call. Click. With a little bump and grind. So on the first word that I say here, that's when the lights will go. So the lights will all be on. I'll play it.

Right. No, because we'll get demonetized. Like that I say here That's when the lights would go So the lights would all be on I'll play it Right No because we'll get demonetised Don't do it car We need the money So it would go Feel good And then the lights would go off So it was a laugh

And then it'd go off And it'd go off And they'd be red lights Gorillas Yeah Feel good ink Feel good ink It was so good.

Ha, ha. Boom, ba-da-da. Boom, boom. What a tune. Have you forgot all the lyrics today? Ha, ha. It's feel good. Feel good.

Do, do-do-do. Do, do. I thought it was just, ha, ha. No, that's Michael Jackson. Oh, I genuinely thought in the song Feel Good Inc. It was just. I think at the start it might be, you know. Ha, ha.

Feel good. But it was great and I'm proud of myself. Is song Feel Good Inc. It was just... I think at the start it might be, you know. Of course, feel good. But it was great and I'm proud of myself. Is it feel good? Yeah. Well, I didn't know that. And I want to say bullshit, but... Everyone's looking at me. Dan, if you could bring back a 90s TV show,

what would you bring back? All right, thanks. Home on their own. Thanks a question that 42 fucking listeners have asked over the last year and a half. Of the year? I don't read the listeners' questions. Home on their own.

Defo. What's that? It was where they took the parents of children away, left the children with the TV producers, and they got to turn their house into whatever they wanted to turn it into. So, like, the parents would come back, and there'd be, like, a Mackey's in the kitchen. There'd be a slide going around the house.

Have you dreamed this? That doesn't sound right. There's a slide going round the house. Google it. Is it That doesn't sound right. There's a slide going around the house. Google it. Is it? Home on their own, it was called.

So it's like a makeover show where for some reason they get the parents out, but there was never a Mackey's in the kitchen and a slide. They're fucking, look, ball pit in the spare room.

Oh my God. Oh my days. Fabulous. They've made the smallest soft play in the world and it's fucking genius. Poor home on my days. Fabulous. They've made the smallest soft play in the world, and it's fucking genius. Put home on their own fast food. There you go.

They did that to the... No, I don't think that's right. I don't think it's that one. It's a full restaurant. Look at that top left picture. They've got a chef. That's what the parents always looked like when they came home. Why did you agree to it, Sandra and fucking Neil?

Because they sent us to Centre Park's all-inclusive. You fucking idiot. I can't believe our eight-year-old did this to our house. Really? What do you think he was going to do? Shabby chic the living room, you tit? What would you go for? That's the nightingale.

What would I go for? Oh, I literally thought if I could renovate my house. I'd love to renovate. I would love my kids to take over the decorating of our house just to get away from laura being like i'm not ready to decide on artwork yet you're gonna have to give me a little longer we've been in the house two years um tv show i bought two pictures of dears that haven't gone up yet wow wow once again it's the contrast of Complete nonsense with these weird honest moments

I've bought two pictures of deers There were two deers I don't know what show And you get a revamp it Or you just get a No you'd bring a pack I nearly didn't get them because they were very expensive I've just said that

Two deer One person comments I nearly didn't get them because they were very expensive. I've just said that. Two deer. I've just said that. One person comments, that's a fucking great joke, Adam. You need to get yourself out of his rectum. His coffee-fuelled rectum. Two deers. Two deer.

Like the expensive thing. Oh, I get it. Even though I said the first. I had venison the other day. What's venison? Deer. I know it's expensive, but it was lovely. That's good, though. I had venison the other day. What's venison? Do you? I know it's expensive, but it was lovely.

That's a good one. I think McFerry did that. No, you bring it back, but it's on a fucking rehash, like, oh, it's new, with Attenbeck as the host. Yay! Fuck off. Something,

you get to bring it back and it's old again. Yeah. Something like Bullseye, maybe. It's Bullseye, I suppose I've been brought back. It didn't stop, did it? What?

Yeah, Jim Bowen's still going. Yeah, from the grave. It's wet. Jim Bowen's still going. No, but there's definitely a rehash of that. Has it been done? 2006 was the final episode, sorry. So it's just been...

Strike it, Lucky. Michael Barrymore. Who would you have hosting it, though? Michael Barrymore. Michael Barrymorerymore no we're not having a redo we want barrymore back adam's willing to rect rect rect you went for bumholes there didn't you rectify he's a gay man and he bummed someone in a pool thanks for reminding us adam he's behind you they there as well that I remember. He looks really disappointed. We've brought it up. He's going, no one ever.

Nice to have a murderer over your left hand shoulder. Allegedly. Allegedly. Did he murder someone? No, he didn't. No. No.

TV show. Just being sillies. Just being sillies. What would you go for, Carl? See, they brought gladiators back and it was shite. If it was original Ulrika Johnson and John Fators back and it was shite if it was original

Ulrika Johnson and John Fashnew and then the new fella who was crap what was his name Jeremy something imagine what they look like now oh yeah

bring the gladiators back when they're all when they're all like nearly 60 yes and steroid abuse has riddled their bodies yeah

yes now Jet's going but she's had three kids. Wolf's like 17. Here she goes up the wall. Oh, it's putting strain on her C-section scar. Her speed isn't that much. Yeah, yeah, okay.

I could see that being fun. Yeah? I bring back Bernard's watch. Bernard's watch? Is that where you time travel? You can pause time through his watch? Yeah, just see what he's up to now

as an adult man. I'd like you to bring it back just because that's how you say the name of the show. The most dramatic. Bernard's watch. I don't want your answer. I chose Gladiators, but everyone's back and old again. Right, you're not having bullseye as an answer.

She just won an old host of the same show. What do you mean? You bring it back and it's the same. Oh, so if they're dead do you mean you bring it back and it's the same oh so if they're dead they can't bring it you can't have it back be struggling right sorry sorry carl yeah it's almost like it's almost like you wrote all these questions out last night preparing the show and now you're annoyed that someone's not answering them properly. I literally don't watch TV shows. So you've got to bring a TV show back where the host is still alive and able to host it. Yes.

All right. Wogan's out. Fuck. What did he host? Children in Need. Children in Need, yeah. That's what I bring back, Children in Need. Can I ask a question?

Let's save more kids. Bring the children. I'm fucking asking a question. Where's the line? Lids, I'm curious after watching Burt Kreischer. I love how he's like, no, that's not the right answer. Give me another answer. I slaved on these fucking questions that I thought of eight seconds ago.

I'm curious after watching Burt Kreischer clips of him talking about being given molly without his consent by Ari Shafir. What boundaries do you have that if one of your fellow lids crossed would make it hard to keep doing the podcast? That's from Brian Goggins. For those who don't know, American comedians, Ari Shafir, they're all mates with Rogan, aren't they? Yeah.

Bert Kreischer. He spiked him with Molly, didn't he? MDMA. At his house. In front of his wife and kids. Well, yeah. They were in. Yeah.

I don't think it was like they were all having dinner and he was like, whoa, what's that? You know, I think they were on the property fucking around and like, I imagine that Burt Crouch's house is fairly fucking large. Can anyone ever fall asleep? Oh, what's that? Yeah.

In the kitchen. I don't know. I think you did something there, Ali. I don't know. No, I don't know a lot. If you're having dinner and you've got your comedian mate around, if they go, what the fuck? I think you did something there, Ali. I don't know. No. I don't know a lot of... If you're having dinner and you've got your comedian mate around, if they go, what the fuck? I think you would look.

You wouldn't be like, kids, kids, don't even look because he's a fucking nightmare with MDMA. I mean, you'd look, but then you'd be like, well, I'm not touching anything on this table now because you're Ali Shafir. You've got a reputation. Right, yeah. Yeah, you can't spike me with drugs

and I don't want you to Seriously injure or murder anyone I love No okay Well that's pretty fucking obvious Like I don't think what Brian Goggins meant was If you stuck your dick in Adam's nostril Do you reckon you'd be sound to still record Obviously if you say the most

Like We'd have to have a conversation Yeah Dick in still or dick out Hang on Yeah Yeah That was I didn't realise I was doing a slam on my own dick size Yeah. Dick in still or dick out? Out. Hang on. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't realise I was doing a slam on my own dick size. That's all it would take to get my dick out of Adam's nostril. I think I could put up with some very mild sexual abuse from you. Really? Have you fingered me or something while I was passed passed out drunk or like put your dick on my face I don't think that would be the end of this fingered you

yeah I if I fingered your arsehole while you were asleep ah yeah I have some issues that would take a meeting yeah but it wouldn't

it wouldn't like be like we're done I don't think I'd be able to tell Laura about it no no why would you do that anyway yeah do you know what though the dick on the face yeah if you were willing as i was sleeping in the fucking hotel you managed to get a key card let yourself in and then put your balls on my little cheek whilst it took a picture and it was like i'll add banner although yeah

there isn't enough facial wash to get me through that morning I would by early afternoon be like you guys are fucking pricks but it's kind of funny I think

when something has been inserted into your bum bum yeah penetration that's your line I think penetration might be I would be very upset

if you bummed me like dick in my ass. A finger. I think I could let that go. Which finger? Index. You can go thumb. Oh, one finger though.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very upset. If you bummed me. Look at Adam as a man of principle. You can stick one finger on me for banter, but do not give me two or three because one finger's a laugh

two's like you know you're trying to get trying to get me to give you the keys to the city yeah what what constitutes

very upset if you bum me Carl just researching like that might be the point where I'd be like I was bummed against me will it's time to call

so just to check I can't rape you is that what you're saying you can't with your finger. All right. Is it? I suppose it's not because I'm saying it's okay. This is consent.

So this is where I ask the question, really. So Dan, make sure you use that pass he's just given you. You could toe fuck me. See you in court. See you in court. Is there anything I could say on this podcast that would be a hang on pause the record we're cutting that out i'm intrigued because this is why probably it i don't i won't know what it is until you said it there probably is something that will make me pause the record

let's take that out maybe probably there hasn't ever been no no probably'll tell you what I used to do, which I will not do anymore, because I was like, in my head, I was like, oh, there's a bit of drama with my family. And I've taken family members' names out trying to avoid an argument. And now I just, I think I said it when Adam had Rona. I've just got a better handle of, this isn't real. It's not, if any family member goes,

we watched your podcast and you said this about fucking Auntie Beryl, like, fuck off. This is not, this is part of a performance. It does feel like we're just chatting shit, but we're doing it for entertainment and fucking around.

I've got a better handle on where that line is. So I've asked for names to be cut out again. I don't think I'd do that now. So can I call Auntie Linda a big hairy cum slot now? Oh, yeah. She loves it. I mean, she's fictitious, but she does love the jizz. Linda, you're a big hairy cum slot.

And I haven't cut that out. That's not a very well-used slur, is it? Cum slot. Hairy cum slot. That much of a favourite slur? We've definitely not finished. Stop fucking the... There's too many, like, we've got this,

we're on this road, and you're like... Stop being a fucking shitter bus driver. No, but you've... I've got to go down this route. The fucking whole first section was like, but what if, what if Renando's, and what if there was an alien that fucked the Queen? Which chicken would

she get fucked with a butterfly that was a beautiful moment that's the first time in 200 episodes where there was an argument in the air and i had nothing to do with it it wasn't an argument but i can't be like we can't not finish a point because someone's gone i tell you what pause that before it's as funny as it can be no more tangents i'll have a word no not until i've got my um yeah there probably is something that i'd go oh but i don't know what it is and it would be horrendous it would be horrendous it's not really like i said it's not my mo is it to be the one that's going to say the horrendous i did say your mom was bummed to death and we left that in so oh yeah but i think that's oh yeah she was a hairy

that's not real is it but that's not but it's not real no it's not but it's but that's the thing isn't it that's you never knew my mum that is all just stupid one of you no no no no no this is why this is why it's different because how are you doing my head it's literally like having a fucking spaz in your ears sorry to anyone who's been affected by the way of choosing today's episode please call us maritons is spaz is the line yeah spazz is the line pause it pause pause auntie linda is like hey i need a shave and i love jizz but spazz is way too far but it's not real because you know it's just stupid whereas if you said something about laura or my kids that's the closest i've ever been to a really annoyed on the podcast podcast when Rob Thomas came in and jumped on the

whole nonce joke yeah and then in the piss take I tried to talk about Etta and you were like ah like you did it like it was part of the fun but it was like I couldn't do a joke about Etta and being a dad because the nonce joke was going yeah and i went it literally like i the day after that record i was like weirdly fuming and it wasn't with you it was with the situation i was like i didn't like that that but because that's my mom's you never met my mom and doing mom jokes is so fucking offensive to some people but it's like if i started making jokes about like sam or it's more real yeah yeah yeah that's the if your mom had been bummed to death after that episode would you have pulled me to one side being like look i know you didn't know but she did actually get bummed to death so we we can't make bummed to death mom jokes anymore

i don't know but then it's yeah i think you might know about it anyway you know i think you tell people that yeah i don't know if i could have done five edinburgh shows you know you know what a fantastic end no come on everyone loves me mom's eyes but you're gonna fucking laugh when you find out how are you kidding what like people haven't done dead fucking mom shows at Edinburgh? That's what I'm saying. I could be the ultimate. Yeah.

Everyone's done a dead mum show, but they've never been bummed to death. Five stars. Is that on a death certificate? Horse fucking weekly. What? Is that on a death certificate? I think it would be like, um, Barrymore. Anal bleeding killed her.

Thanks for the jokes. Thanks for the jokes on that one. The Barrymore. I was just going to say she got Barrymore'd and I was like, I think, hey, no bleeding.

Let me just check mortuary.com. Ruptured bumhole. Ruptured bumhole. Yeah. Emporium. Shattered starfish. Nice.

Yeah. Shattered starfish nice oh yeah sorry this is for me um yeah basically it's not for everyone is it and it i can see that for the fucking lunatics are into this they'd be like well there shouldn't be any lines because you're just taking the piss but it's weird how all of a sudden you find yourself going oh i didn't really like that yeah it's real it's like when i got called a joke thief by danny mclaughlin via justin morehouse in that rap battle and it thought i was just instantly like fuck off like i really got my back up partly because the whole rap battle beforehand had been like justin had been doing that thing of like don't yeah let's not be too you know let's just keep it yeah so i was like oh he doesn't want to go too hard can be a snake like that though

well justin was also sharing a flat with danny and you know when you're getting slammed and danny at the time is like a close friend we've lived together you know when someone's fucking fingerprints are all over a slam yeah and then afterwards i went nice one for that dan good justin was fucking literally mowing me down he went i never never even talked to him about anything you never talked to me about nothing so justin and I are mates, so I said, Justin was like, we all right about the rap battle, and I was like, I felt really slammed, like, because we'd said we weren't going to do that, and what Danny's done is, so Danny's the absolute, like, he might not even like me saying this, but it's absolutely true, he's very good at accounting whose bit is similar to bit?

That's too much like that. That's too much like that. And that's right. He is right. But a couple of times, Danny's gone, oh, that bit's like, you know, you're doing that bit.

It's a bit like Mick Ferris. I've said it before on this podcast. I instantly went, you're totally right. I haven't seen that. And within a month, I'd taken it out of my set and I never did

it again it was way too close i hadn't stolen it but i could see how someone could go it's too similar to mixed bits the same sort of thing danny had basically used that as a like oh yeah and that that happened like but it was like in that private little like you your jokes too like that which was not for public consumption and then i did did the right thing, which was take it out. All of a sudden, we're in a crowd in front of Edinburgh, there's a camera rolling and Justin's using it

to call me a joke thief. Yeah. Which as we know as comedians, is the, like I would rather we still do the nonce joke than be called a joke thief. Yeah, but-

It's fucking horrible. I know it's horrible and I think maybe, like, I know it's horrible like if you were actually being accused of that and i understand why you were so pissed off but it's a similar thing to this a rap battle is not real and like he could i understand why you were like that calling a comedian that can cause so many problems and whatever but I think maybe he's gone none of this matters anyway

no no I get what you mean but he's not a rap battler he doesn't know the scene I don't know rap battling you're coming at it from someone who knows rap battling I'm telling you right now the people in that room as soon as they said that they went ugh

because they don't know the rules of rap battling either they're just a load of comedy fans in Edinburgh No, the people in that room, as soon as they said that, they went, ugh. Because they don't know the rules of rap battling either. They're just a load of comedy fans in Edinburgh. And I had about 120 people go, ugh. Because they went, oh, I could feel it in the room. And as soon as I did my next round, they were like, yeah, you're a joke thief. You're like, ah, fucking hated it. So if, you know what I mean? Like you're right in rap battle.

It's who you manage to say, whatever, like the mum jokes, but that there are these weird little lines as comics. And, and yeah, I understand what you mean. It should be fair game, but there's loads of things you could have taken the piss off. That in that rap battle, he talked about all the girls I banged and fucking named one of them. And I was like, yes, fair enough.

It's valid banter. If you're going to take the piss out of me, I was a bit of a shaggy. But that really, like, I was like. Yeah, no, I do get it. So is that the line? What about you, Carl? What's your line?

Me shouting at you. I think it's mentioning his surname. That's Carl's line. Which I did about three weeks ago. R-E-I-G-L-E-R. G-L-E-R, yeah-e-r g-l-e-r yeah carl is uh taking ownership of his surname like the black community have taken ownership of the n-word and it's really empowering to watch hey that's my word and i let me make i can say it that's it you can say it

my line probably like just do we have to say the R word? So your Carl R word. Just real family shit, probably. Real family shit? Like, you can call me mum a slag or whatever. It's not real. It's not real. Is it not, though? She's not even hairy.

But, like, real family shit was like, yeah, that's true. Because I'm quite private In that sense That's it really Yeah Can't talk about the lump On your mum's bum hole

I don't even know about that So Why would I know about that Getting bigger That's so nice of you isn't it You're not just banging her You're giving her medical care No it's just

I haven't spoke to her about it It's just noticeable You know what I mean Really Yeah She's got such a big Lump on her bum hole I think this is the line.

When you both, without me in the conversation, talk about my mum's bumhole. You mean Mrs. R Word has got a growth so big? I'm sorry, I'm being a dick. I think that's the line. Right, okay. We found it pretty quick with Carl, didn't we? Yeah.

Joke thief and Mrs. R Word's bumhole growth. It's probably not a problem, though. Dog with a bone. Dog with a bone. Yeah. Joke thief and Mrs. R Words bumhole growth. Talking about... It's probably not, like, a problem, though. Dog with a bone. It's probably like... Dog with a bone. Yeah. Because I touched it and it ate,

and that's a sign of... It's probably like a spot or something. When it doesn't eat, that's when it can be, like, tumours and that. And so it's probably not that, because it ate her. I flicked her. Steve!

You won't ever see this because the camera's not rolling, but Steve got so uncomfortable then he had to move because he was he went oh

wow I flicked it and she went ow and I was like you'll be fine sorry Carl I don't know why I'll just shag Adam's dad later

it's fine there you go I'll shag Adam's dad later genuinely I'd find it funny I know that's why I do it yeah your mum enjoys it oh he enjoys it as well you find it funny i know so i do it yeah your mom enjoys it oh he

enjoys it as well you find it funny but he loves it cheers brian brian goggin sent that question in and it was beautiful by the way if anyone wants to spike me with drugs i'll be there on sunday um because i i am seriously going for it a little nervous about the Patreon episode that's going out next Wednesday because of Adam's work commitments. We are doing the live show, the OG Thank You live show. This will be going out to Patreon Saturday and this episode will be going out on Monday.

We'll have already done it. And we're going straight from the hotels where I'll be hanging out of my fucking ass and coming to do a record. So if you're not a Patreon, I think you should sign up just to see me cry. I'll be hanging out of Adam's dad's arse.

Kyle will be hanging out of my dad's arse. Who isn't coming? He is. And we actually didn't get a hotel. We're sleeping on Carl's mum's growth in her arse. What are you doing? He's got a loose pass that he's had

over the last decade and I've chosen your ma's got a loose passage Fanny and I've chosen the episode old fucking

Johnny Fairway straight on yeah I've chosen the episode where i got really snappy with you before to do the uh mum's growth my partner's bumhole is the next question my partner's bumhole it's i've i label these now so i know what they are this is from hayden wag wag. Wag wag. Right, so what Hayden has tried to do, I think he's right. Wagwan. Coup Coup.

Has written wag wag. So. Wag? I mean, I'm pronouncing. Wag? Wag wag. Wag? Yeah.

Wag. Coup. Wag wag. Wag wag. So everyone can start the re-mails. If you're not a patron You won't have fun And why aren't you a patron

Wag wag Cop cop Growth Flick Passage Wag wag Adam Hey didn't you fucking retop You've used that word a lot today you know i'm just remember how thin ice

we're on with that community oh sorry yeah yeah it's our community yes wag wag wag wag adam dan carl and the welsh one it's been 10 years i'm still not allowed to touch my fiance's bumhole bang out of order if you'd ask me i'd like your thoughts and advice i'll show her the response it's because she's still your fiance after 10 years marry this and you can stick anything up there kid if he's been engaged like 10 years or whatever or whatever whatever but yeah sort it off i go on cut finn you have to take the mic because it's too surely by his rules he's got to get married in two years yeah long engagements

are for fucking legend no oh sorry you a quick, you like a very long relationship. You're like, will you marry me? Oh, yeah, totally. Carl asks, will you marry me when all her family are already at the church? How long was your engagement?

Come on, then. Six months. I met Laura in April. I asked her to marry me 14 months later. I was like, wag wag. And she knew.

She said, cup. Cup, cup. Cup, cup. I was like, ring, ring. She was, cop, cop, cop. I was like, ring, ring. She was like,

hello, wag, wag. Why do I find it so stupid? It's such a stupid, I think he might have meant to do it, but it makes him sound so stupid. No,

he meant wag, wag. Oh no. Wag, wag. No, he meant wagwan. Oh, no! Wag-wag. Wag-wag. He's a dog. He's a happy dog. I can't question.

How long was it, Van? Engagement. 10 months. Yeah, that's perfect. Oh, no, 11. 11, yeah. So that's all right, isn't it? As long as it's within the year.

Were you allowed to touch everyone before you married them? Oh, man. Loves, yeah. So it's alright, isn't it? As long as it's within the year. Were you allowed to touch your bumhole before you married her though? Oh man, loves ass play. Next question. Carl, do you ever touch the bumhole of your lady? I do, yeah. I do many

touches. Yeah. Do you finger her bumhole? Oh, I'm into it like, yeah. Yeah? Oh yeah. I'd be into it. An absolute,

super invalid. Yeah. Do you like her bummer it's happened oh i feel like it's actually that's normal shit though oh yeah few gin and tonics i'll lick anyone's bummer i don't mind like a little bit more me yeah the dirtier the better while you look oh no no no no be honest you don't want a dirty have a little bumhole, mate. Yeah? The dirtier, the better. Oh, no, no, no. No, be honest. You don't want a dirty bumhole? No, I mean, like...

It's got to be post-shower. I don't mean dirty as in, like, filth. Like, muck. I mean, like, dirty as in, like, naughty. Sexy, yeah. Sexy, dirty. Naughty. Yeah, you're a dirty girl rather than you need a bath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've just come back from the Leeds Festival. You need a shower. You're dirty fucking. come back from the Leeds festival you need a shower you dirty fucking yeah oh if you're licking someone's bum all at a festival

you're free third night just seeing the killers mate maybe on the first day you get there don't make that noise ever after licking

someone's bum by the way it's over wag wag yeah if you're down there you might as well just do you know what I mean Hayden

you don't pull the oven out and then just clean a bit behind the oven you clean the whole fucking area don't you yeah just go liberal just go liberal with the laps

do you want me to go down in here she's like yeah Hayden I do but in a very specific area just be like okay lick the clitty

and then tongue punch both no no no oh god start at the knee you want to look start at the knee specific area. Just be like, okay. Lick the clitty and then tongue punch both. No, no, no. Oh God. Start at the knee. You want to look, start at the knee,

just lick all the way up her inside thigh. You do kiss the thighs, don't you? Yeah, that's the landing strip. It's like a French, it's like a French kiss. Nice to meet you.

And now, dinner time. Getting closer. And then, guess where I'm going? And then, like meeting someone French for tea.

Like, I don't mean cup of tea, I mean like dinner. Nice to meet you. Right in the fart box. Do you not go in for the landing? Closer so she knows what's coming. And then excite her just. Do you know who Chef Kikuchi is? Kiss her on the shin.

What? Do you know who Chef Kikuchi is? Is it Chefty or Kuchi? Remember them? The ones who do the is. Kiss her on the shin. What? Oh, Shefky. Is it Shefty or Coochie? Coochie. Remember him? The one who used to do the dive when he scored? Yeah.

That's what I do. Shefky. He played for Stoke. I remember him at Ipswich or Redden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was an absolute unit, wasn't he?

I do that. That's how I start. What, you take a running jump? Yeah. Right. Shefky Coochie. She shouts it And I know what she wants

The thing is you can't The whole thing with Licking a bumhole Occasionally It's not like Chef Kikuchi You can't be literally Putting on the week

The week's planner On the fridge You've just got to do it Haven't you You've just got to be in there Feel the mood And be like You can't be like

Madam Wednesday afternoon Bumhole I'm going to lick your bumhole You know That's how, I am. Do you know, because I was talking about

going for dinner and like the French kisses. When he said chef Coochie, I thought it was a French chef. Chef Coochie. I'm sure he played for Stoke. I thought he was calling someone chef Coochie.

I thought it was like a famous chef. Was it like Coo? Was that how you spell it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe. Look at that meat. Of course I'm knowing. Oh, shit.

He played for Ipswich. Bam. He didn't play for Stoke. Oh, I remember him, yeah, yeah, maybe. Look at that, mate. Of course, I'm Noe. Oh, shit. And he played for Ipswich. Bam. He didn't play for... Oh, I remember him, yeah. What a fucking mad celebration that was. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, look. Fucking hell. Yeah.

The only celebration I've ever done and sort of landed in a vagina was Lamanalualuas. Next question. It was a good celebration, no? All right, lads. just been watching an old episode and Dan was talking about the moment he shaved his head at 22 or 23 years old.

Just wanted him to know it's not all bad. I started losing my hair at 17 and braved the shave at 20. That's a fucking rough three years. I think it's phenomenal that this man is giving you the don't worry about your hair talk 17 years into you being bald. Don't worry. I was...

Don't worry, lad. You'll get used to it. I was doing a comb over before I finished my hair levels. Question for Dan. Who would you rather see bald? Adam, Carl,

or Finn? I need me hair. And look. Don't bother. Would that be the line? Have we found the line for Brian Goggins? Do you like it when you're on a lad's holiday and they cut your hair, but also if you cut my hair,

I'd fucking cut your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's for the other question before. I would genuinely rather you bum me than shave my hair off. Yeah. Right. Well, I'll not forget my clippers then. If than shave my hair off yeah right well i'll not forget my clippers then right if you shave me off i would never talk to you again with that so that is the lie in fact in fact that's the most like the spiking thing is it because what you say and what like

justin bohans called me a joke thief it's not the same as actually physically having something done to you is it that is a whole different thing. Shaving your hair. Oh, mate. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Because you'd grow it back, but it'd take a couple of years. No, how long would it take? If I literally zeroed you, what is it going to take to get back where you are now?

Back to like six, eight months. I don't think it'd be that long. Three months? No. So I have a fucking quiff. My hair goes quite quiff. Oh, you've got nine months. It's full-term'll get me that long. Three months? No. Absolutely not. So I have a fucking quiff. My hair goes quite quiff. Oh, you've got nine months. It's full-term quiff, that one.

Yeah. What about you, Carl? Your hair is majestic. I would hate you. Really? Yeah. I think you'd look quite good with a shaved head. Not dead, dead close.

Just like a number three or number four. I don't think you'd look bad. No, no, no. But it's... I don't. Okay'd look bad no no no but it's i don't wait okay just just to clear up this isn't happening ryan's not like all-powerful but he's just saying who would you rather i don't even want you to hypothetically say finn i pick cal right my mine would grow back so quick it'd be two months i'd be. You'd be back with your Wiffro.

Yeah. You've got chilli garlic hair, though. What's it called? The Welsh fro? A white man's... Wiffro, yeah. Wiffro. Wiffro.

It's pronounced Wiffro. It's called chilli garlic hair. Oh, that's because of his Turkish heritage. Chilli garlic hair. Couldn't say heritage. He goes into Barber's and goes, chilli garlic, my friend, and then they do that.

Barber's. Dad's house. I'd go Finn just... What about Steve? I did accidentally go bald in high school once. Every episode these days, Finn. I missed that. You just dropped these bombs.

What did he say? He went, I did accidentally go bald in high school once. Why wasn't this on the job application? I'm sorry. Go Finn. So this is... My mum was very stingy and she used to be like, you're not going to a barber's.

They can't do anything with that hair. I'm just going to cut it. Is she Welsh or Turkish? She's Welsh. You know she's Welsh? Not well known for it. I have met her. You've met her? Did she look Turkish? She doesn't look very Turkish. Turkish. Go on.

That was awful. I know. Sorry, sorry, sorry. All right. Just let... It's been a while. Sorry, guys. And then...

Too dear! I'm not joking. Go on. I'm not! I'm not joking. Go on. I'm not. I'm genuinely not. It was a terrible joke. It deserved the silence. You're in the mood.

Since dinner, you've been weirdly moody. I was in the mood before dinner. Ask a question. What? Sorry. So... Oh Oh Finn apologised I don't know why I couldn't shave Finn

He's so like He looks like a A lost vole Go on A what? What? A lost vole I don't

I don't have to fucking google Another animal that we don't know So yeah my mum cut my hair Until I was like 13. um you all right dan yep what's up i don't know we've run out of song it's so tragic yeah my mum cut my hair till i was 13. and what it looks strong scissors with clippers right um but one day she was like i'm busy i'm doing the tea and my brother was like i'll do it um i was like all right sound because it was just like a little bit of it left

it was just like sideburns and he just went on purpose he says it was by accident but thinking but he's lying until now I've only just realised that was definitely on purpose wasn't it Finn's so innocent straight up so then I just had a line of bald

in my hair yeah yeah yeah and he was like we're gonna have to get it rid of it did he make that decision without telling your mum yeah we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not

we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not we're not finishing. She's finishing a Welsh cake. So he did that. And my decision was the best port of call was to wear a hat for school. And you guys have seen me in hats. It's not. Also, you're not allowed to wear a hat.

At my school, you weren't allowed to wear a hat. This was real. Anything goes. Oh, really? Yeah. So I put like a beanie on. And I never wore a hat. What are you doing, Carl? Carl's getting a hat. There you go. This I never wore a hat. What are you doing Carl?

Carl's getting a hat. There you go. This is Finn in a cap. The hair just goes so. So I had a beanie on. I went into registration. Look at the camera! Look at the camera!

Carl, get out of the shot a bit because i want i want a new gif i do like a turn just say wag wag into the camera look finn literally that is the face of a man who starts an email wag wag yeah so that's why i don't wear hats right um but straight away my friend like, he's not got a hat on. He's never wears a hat. So first thing they did was try to get it off me, but I called that. And then they kind of like pinned me back and whipped my hat off. And I started crying.

Loads of fun. Were you zero? Zero. Bald. Full on bald. I was called, what was I called? I was called jail. What was i was called jail what was it not jailbait i wasn't called jailbait you know when they were pinned down what else happened

thug life i was called thug life for a few weeks and then that kind of became a thing fuck you know i don't know how you survived that nickname at school thug life thug life well ladies and gents fin Finn. Stories of real. I think there's going to be a spin-off podcast where we just let fucking Finn freestyle. Yeah. So, please don't shave me again. I can't go through it.

It's you, mate. It's you. Steve's not got a key. Adam is scary with hair. God imagine without it. Carl, I feel like we've got close to the line today and I don't want to go any closer. I guess he licks bumholes though.

That's new information for the listeners I think. Oh, who doesn't lick a bumhole? Who doesn't lick bumholes? Well, to be fair, Hayden doesn't lick bumholes. If you don't let someone lick your bumhole, you're a fucking prude. Grow up. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't let someone lick your bumhole, you're a fucking prude. Grow up. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. I don't want my bumhole licked. Why? I don't know. It's lovely, you know. See, you don't know. No, but she's the mother of my children. No, it's lovely, you know.

So, she's the mother of your children, you lick her bumhole. What's the difference? Yeah, that is sexist, isn't it? It's really, really nice. Is it? Yeah. Snuffling for truff it? It's really, really nice. Is it? Yeah. Snuffling for truffles.

It's just nice. Yeah. Can you make a joke or something? Because it's really weird. You're looking at me with your big brown eyes going, it's really, really nice. It feels like what you'd imagine if a window cleaner cleaned your arsehole for you.

There's the joke. With one of them big brushes. Yeah. Have you ever turned it down have you ever like stopped like pushed away in a encroachment no i've had it done and it yeah it's all right just a bit of a i'm a bit worried that it's just something goes wrong you know i do get worried i going to shit all over their face. Straight on the fairway. Worried? Oh, fuck yeah. No, just like imagine if you just went... Don't.

Over in it. Like if they just like hit a certain bit and you relaxed and it was like... It's over for anyone with you, yeah. Absolutely. He's a squirter. Press the button. Sorry. What's happening, guys? it's sponsor time as always and this week it's parcelstation.co.uk if you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your

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to the episode. We've got a hate hit when we have a guest in and then they just naturally start saying things interesting and I'm like, ha ha ha and I haven't pressed record enough.

But that was all. So Russell Cain's here, ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Cain. Who's scanning the room for watches and he's not yet noticed

my £59.99 Casio. I had noticed it. I'm just being polite. I know my shit about watches, but to the extent where people didn't believe it, and I ended up in a Channel 4, what a way to start,

a Channel 4 documentary getting shamed, suggesting I was lying. Even though it's genuinely my career past. What happened was, I've never spoken about this. What a thing to start with. Yes. I used to go to this nightclub. You know where they would just look after me and give me a table?

I wasn't like getting freebies or anything, but they would make sure I didn't get any hassle. I had a nice table and all that. Where was that? It was in London, in Covent Garden. Really nice guy. Trust. I didn't want a mate, but someone who joined the table, fun table fun to be around and he went will you do me a favor it's not my mom i'm doing impression of anyway i've got a watch brand you just retweet it and say it's

amazing for me and i've got the guy looks after me all the time and i'm like there with my eyes pointing in different directions of zambuca bang hit retweet three weeks later i get a call from dispatches channel four you have been paid illegally to promote a watch brand i was like take all my bank accounts paid what you were paid 50 pounds to send a tweet i'm like not showing off but wouldn't send a tweet 50 who would send a tweet for any money unless it's above board and they were like just like to put out there i would with a hashtag ad yes yeah yeah absolutely uh all day long um so i i just said this i've got a passion for watches um that's why i did it i used to work in watches will you come on camera no i won't come on camera so i then sent a statement in i've worked with watches my whole life i love watches i'm not i've not it was nothing dodgy did you have to do

it to camera no i said a lot of accusations going around about me and watches and no numbers i can tell the time it was written and they got an offensive working class cockney to read it out it's like i've worked with watches i did fuck you channel four i was a horologist for three years they got an actor in so they got They got a really chavvy voice. And he was like, I've worked with that. And they were like, no, could you Russell Kane that a little bit more?

Any other social representation that would be offensive. But if you make someone say, I cocked you, chav, it's totally fine. Oh, scousers get it as well, just as bad. What I've noticed though,

so the reason this conversation started is Russell... The producers were in a patek, is what I'm saying. Yeah, Russell noticed Carl's watch, which we get a lot of comments on the youtube going is carl wearing a fucking patik fucking hell those patreon dollars are coming in i didn't buy it what actually happened so this is 100 true paul smith gave carl a patik watch and he also gave me a hulk rolex within the space of about two weeks now here's the thing

i think what was happening at the time was paul smith was having a little bit of a breakdown i wish i'd been near him i i i just broke up with me missus me my ex-missus and i went to see paul to have a coffee in a chat because me and Paul are really close mates and I noticed his watch he had the Batman Rolex watch on and he goes You wear superhero Rolex How old are you? 14? What's that?

The dark blue and... Oh right it's not like Lego Batman I think that was Fury so he didn't get the Wonder Woman chauffeur It's Thomas the Tank Engine Hublot. Impressive. The Fat Controller says it's mid-date. His watches wear 40K. I know nothing about watches.

Never been into them, really. Never even thought... Because I'm not really into jewellery. Like, when girls wear earrings, it really turns me off. I don't really know why. It's like to aim for, though, isn't it? That he is. Yes, the double.

Like, son of a... Like, son of a... It sounds irresponsible, but you can't get pregnant through the face. Remember that. Your topic. Oh. Go on.

So, I went to Boston, I just watched watched that and he went uh have you got a watch and i was like no and he come back and he gave me and he was like you can have that i was like you need cheering i was pissed off you were living in mine weren't you yeah because i was like i was staying in this for a few days while my exes have got out my house um there's less harsh ways to say that but that's what was happening and then a few weeks later we were gigging and he went to paul smith i really like your pata and paul was like yeah you can have that because i gave out them on a few weeks ago now paul's a very generous person obviously he's had a lot of success in recent years and starts through these really big tour

venues and he's got more of a disposal income than he's ever had before to the point where he's given away these expensive watches but what i've noticed because i don't know watches i just put it on sometimes as like an accessory the time isn't even set right on mine it's just that it's just a like for show sort of thing but the amount of people who know it but not only know it like will just come up to you in the street and go really like that lad and i i hope to God this guy doesn't ever listen to this because I'm going to be quite harsh about him. I told you about it. I don't think I told it on the pod though.

So I was sat a couple of months ago. Me missus went to get her nails done in Liverpool city centre. So I just went for a little walk around town and then I just looked in every shop that I wanted to look in. And in Liverpool, one of them, the big shopping bit of Liverpool,

there's like a coffee van. And next to it, there's like three tables where if you get a coffee from that van, you can sit down and have a coffee. So I got a bottle of water and sat down. And I'm sat there. And then there's this guy. And you'll know the type of guy I'm talking about.

He looked like he owns a few bars, right? So he had like a light blue blazer on with a white shirt with the top three buttons not done uh like cream trousers brown shoes hair slicked back and he was what i assume was his wife and his two kids right and i seen him looking at me i'm just sat there with a t-shirt on and that's there and i just don't even think that what that watch is right so they they've been talking to each other but like i can't hear them they're 20 yards away right and then very noticeably i hear them go did you put the engagement ring on the home insurance and i was like fucking hell he's gone up a couple of octaves there what's going on and then he went make sure you do make

sure you put the engagement ring the 20 grand engagement ring and my watch on the home insurance and i was like this guy's fucking mental so i'm like two minutes later me mrs texan was like me nails will be done in five minutes i'm here do you want to walk around the corner and meet me and as i went past him he went you're like all right, mate? That's a Hulk Rolex. I've been on the waiting list for one of them for like five years. How'd you get that? And I went, oh, it's a fake.

My friend gave me it last year and just walked away. And I was like, ugh. Everything he said about the home insurance was for my benefit. Because he'd seen this watch. I mean, I thought that story was going in a completely different direction. I thought he'd seen that watch on you and thought,

that's how common thievery is. I need to let that thing know that we're insured. Because you're like, you see my new Rolex? There's a bit of blood on it, and the serial number's fucking lasered off and that, but it's good to go. Have you registered the children with the government? Because these consuls do anything. Have you registered the children with the government because these

consuls do anything have you protected the child from pedophiles human traffickers i honestly thought it was going to be like a class war story i was so behind you it's just this really eggy guy why did he have to do that it's like i'm gonna make a conversation about watches i just need to lay the foundation that i'm a watch guy it was so like it was so noticeable from yeah so should we go and john lewis next one so get the kids please i'm just pleased to hear coffee featured in a in a classy london way in that story because it's moving so quickly up here i was up just a few days ago in at the outer edges of liverpool and the person just could not believe I wanted an espresso. It's like, you are.

It doesn't carry press the bottle. So they gave me this espresso. Where was this? I don't know. Not at a Starbucks. We only do tea. Fuck off. There was a Starbucks nearby and there was a cinema nearby and there's like a beauty spot. Speak. Speak. Maybe.

There's a cinema. It's on the edge of town. There's a beauty parlour and it does kids parties at the weekend and there's a subway nearby and there's like a beauty spot. Oh, a spee. It's a spee, maybe. There's a cinema. It's on the edge of town. There's a beauty parlor and it does kids' parties at the weekend. And there's a subway next to it. And there's a cinema on the cine world or something like that at the edge of town. It's right at the edge of town. And I went in and we just had the espresso and she went, just let me put some sugar in it for you, love, please. Are you having it actually?

Just a bit of milk. You can't just drink that. You can't. Like a lot of northern people won't let me have espresso. How much are you asking for, Russell? I'm asking for less. Like a fucking venti. No, that's what they can't get their head around.

So I was in Leeds, and I went to have an espresso. She went, a little tip, love. Get an Americano. Same money, more liquid. More coffee, but money. And I'm like, no, it's the same coffee, more water. Exactly, love. So why are you buying

a little bit for the same money that's sort of the point do you know no I'm not telling you that love you look like you've got gigantism

too small how would you want platinum don't look like nothing platinum patek does it get gold where have you from it's more shiny

for money that's what Leeds that's what Leeds right on the edge of Liverpool. There's a shopping centre, and there's a subway. There were two different occasions. Yeah, right.

I had a little argument yesterday in a coffee shop on Tottenham Court Road in London with a guy who couldn't get his head around how much milk I wanted. So I drink Americano. I'm with a Leeds woman. Like, an espresso for me it's just too dense and stronger coffee i like a strong coffee but it has to be tall so i said can i have an americano with

milk please mate and he made it right and uh so it's a normal coffee cup like one of them and he filled it up to like sort of here with coffee and then he went tell me when and And he put, like, it was like he was really running low on milk. Right? So he went, he went like, ah. Yeah. And I went,

I went, I'll tell you when. Because he'd asked me, tell me when. So then he went, okay, okay. And he goes, again.

And I went, mate, just fill it up with milk. And he goes, you want all with milk? And I was like, no, because I didn't order a fucking latte,

did I? There's already coffee up to here. Just fill it up and he goes okay you tell me and a third time he went see

he wasn't shouting to be fair Tommy Cooper Tommy Cooper Japanese style what but that is the reverse of the experience

I like watching obviously I'm married to a northerner so I feel like I've experienced and I now live in Cheshire, so relatively north. But ordering coffee up here

is so different from ordering coffee down south. So if I'm at Wilmslow train station and the train is four minutes away, there is no sense of fucking urgency in that coffee shop. No one's stressed, everyone's sat around waiting for the train to come, love. And I'll be like,

my train's coming in for, I'll be with you in a minute, love, when I've found out about Barbara's grandchild I'm serving Peggy here at the front and I'm like vein bulging out

I'm going to miss my fucking train Londoners float while they're waiting for a coffee sort of bouncing on their feet when you get down

to London it's the other way around I'm on home territory and Lindsay's like what's going on the Italian guy's like

I serve you all now quickly feed it out of my tits take milk take espresso now now and the northern's like

I'll have a latte please milk your coffee just right now it's considered regionally it's considered rude I serve you all now quickly feed it out of my tits take milk take espresso now now and the northerners are like I'll have a latte please milk cake coffee it's considered regionally it's considered rude to ask for the order of the guy behind you we like it like

I like to be at the front I know it's my turn and I can slow the process down as much as possible like in big cities they're like right cool we've got the first five orders

we're going to ask for six seven and eight I can't handle that as a northerner yeah I used to sort of despise London's sort of urgency. As a Northerner, when I started going down there, the sort of constant rush of everything. But I think I'm starting to like it a bit.

What I've noticed about me is I hate me time being wasted i think that's why i get so frustrated playing fifa when i lose because if you lose a game of fifa the last 12 minutes of your life have just been wasted they're just like you did nothing with those 12 minutes apart from lose that game i didn't enjoy it because it's not fun to lose it's just infuriating so me time being wasted so when someone's fucking up the queue you're like this could be quicker do you know if I'm

behind someone who's like doing like three miles an hour below the speed limit I could kill them and their children and feel no remorse whatsoever

like it's just like you're wasting my life slow walking because you yeah put them on the life insurance yeah the car insurance

we need to top it up £30,000 on the car insurance we've got an angry scouser behind us so like in london yesterday i was walking around for a bit and i popped into starbucks and i went uh can i have uh an americana please with a bit of milk this was before i got the one from the guy who like didn't know how milk worked and by the time i paid contactless as well the coffee was already there and i was like this is this is more like they had like a full like four-man team making coffee and the one woman on the till and it was like americano with cold milk and i was like beep and like there it is i was like oh this

i could barely get used to that you've just got busier that's what it is you've got so much shit to do that you need stuff to move more quickly now i've moved north to get away from that because i don't want my daughter to grow up in that environment i love like everyone coming and going i'll get up in the morning i'll be like i'm lindsey's uncle barry you've never met me i've had a shy i wouldn't go in there there's people staying over things moving at a slower pace i like that but it's it's taken time uh to adjust to that just to slow down because i'm i'm a frenetic person at the best of times yeah you could be in the outer Hebrides. I reckon you'd still be doing life at a certain pace, wouldn't you?

What are you like on holiday when everyone's trying to chill? You know what? I've got zero or 100. I'm weirdly good at switching off. I'm typical working class. I love an all-inclusive band.

I don't have to think. Oh, there's a cultural bit out of town. Is there? Let it fucking rot then. I ain't passing the gates! What about the history of the place?

What about, I like to be in profit by day three of an all-inclusive. My ideal set-up would be a bucket under my chin and one under my ass

to shit in so I don't have to stop eating. Like a queen bee, just fucking. That's how my dad's raised me. That's why, when I,

if I go to countries that's got loads of interesting shit Like Italy obviously Then I will make an effort To do more Yeah yeah yeah But it's like Oh Tenerife has got a mountain

In the middle has it Fuck off I had Sharm el Sheikh Has got a lovely market square I don't give a fuck No exactly I had a conversation with

Sam my missus The other day Because we've had a holiday booked For Fuck you I felt it What's going on there What's wrong Because I mentioned I'm my missus the other day because we've had a holiday booked for, fuck you. I felt it. What's going on there?

What's wrong? Because I mentioned my personal life. He's got a missus called Sam. It's just, no more than I say my wife, Laura, but for some reason, just because someone commented a few times on YouTube, me and Carl were just being cunts really quietly.

No, he just flashed his eyes. I was like, you don't believe he's got a girlfriend. No, no, no. She's real. She's real. real i'll bring her i'll show you that so so there um more doubt we've had a we've had a holiday book to coffee for a while it's getting cancelled because greece is on fire and it's on amber list and i've got stuff when happening when other than that come along yes potential covid and we're burning to death in your car like right so where do you want to go and I went here's the thing with me with holidays we're going for 10 days I want

four of them to do nothing you can plan six of them right we can go wherever you want anywhere in the world but as long as it's hot and I'm get unlimited beer I don't want any other drink just unlimited beer as long as that's on the all inclusive

and the pool's quite big so even if everyone's in it I'll get my own little space whenever I want a little dip as long as I can do that for four of the ten days I don't give a fuck if you can make

Warrington hot and there's a fucking pool and they'll give me unlimited beer we can go to Warrington on holiday if you want I don't give a flying fuck it's on it's arse

the Warrington package holiday industry it's got a lovely coastline though it really is yeah out of all the places in the northwest you picked the best coastline yeah beautiful um i don't know about the the all-inclusive thing my worry is that i mean all right say if you're saving up for fucking months and months maybe you do i just i don't mind spending four euros on a beer that I know is good because I always wonder like, where's the all-inclusive lager

coming from? You know, when they're like, oh yeah, we've got Bacardi and then it's like spelt Bermadi and you're like, oh,

I don't think that is They don't anticipate British drinking skills though. It's designed for a normal person with a normal appetite and capacity. Right. So that's where they fuck up

when they do all-inclusive for Brits because we can ruin them in three or four days people might like three four beers a day they're nice

healthy across the week and then we turn off and we're like six each now we'll check in in a minute

but you get unlimited I want all six now or I knock someone out it's ketamine included

can't is it all inclusive if it's just till 4am what exactly that's not

all inclusive then is it? That's 20-hour all-inclusive. You don't tell me my bedtime! And then all the legends have to go sober at four. I did have, last time I went on an all-inclusive holiday was to Crete, and I asked the guy, because there was a day that I spent by the pool

and did nothing but drink beer all day, and it got to like nine o'clock at night, and I could have drove. I was so unbelievably sober. And I went to the guy and went, can I just ask a question about the beer, mate? And he goes, of course. And I was like, what percentage is it?

Do you know? And he goes, it's just like normal beer. And I went, no, but surely you know like what alcohol percentage. He goes, yes, what is normal beer? 4%, 5? It's like that you want one and i was like ah there's fuck all in this shit that's a two and a half percent

comment all your foreign people are russian these days last week we did a terrorist listen to me welcome to creed you fucking pig i like warrington it's where i live my whole life what's in this log a A fucking Smirnoff, you bitch. I don't believe that you can, I would, and not that we're ever going to holiday together. It would be an unusual thing to tell our wives.

Weirdly good. I can't, almost can't. You in a dressing room are, I, I tell you what, I've seen so many, you have more energy in a dressing room before you go on

than 95% of all comedians I've ever worked with on stage. First time I gigged with you was at Hot Water and you turned up with your own kettle because you were like, I need a coffee before I go on. And I'm not risking them not having a kettle. I bought my own coffee. I was taking no risks. I made my own coffee in a flat.

I'm sure the coffee's lovely, but I need to dose appropriately. It's my only poison in life. I don't do any drugs. I don't drink before I go on. But coffee's my thing, so it has to be right. Yeah, that makes sense. I like it.

Do you have like a coffee machine at home, like an espresso machine? I do, yeah. But I also have, I wish I brought it with me, a travel kettle I normally have on me, but I knew there wouldn't be time to brew up today. And I've got a self-plunging cafeteria mug.

You need to Google this or drop it picture in picture right now. It's a Xylus, X-Y-L-I-S-S, sometimes spelled with a Z. It's a Xylus self-plunging cafetiere mug. That's what you need. He got 50 quid for saying that on this podcast. It's Xylus. There it is.

It's 7.99 off Amazon. And you put your coffee in it, and it's thermos, so it keeps warm, and then the real coffee's trapped at the bottom. You see that plunging bit? It plunges down and traps the real coffee underneath. Boom, you've got a real filter coffee to drink with a cup that you've got on your hand. I am going to order one of them.

7.99. The second that we pause for the break. I'm not even waiting until the end of the episode. But does... Because I can get a bit fiddly about systems and what I like taking away, but is it not super frustrating? Because the more stuff you have on you, you're sort of like,

as soon as you miss one thing, you're like, I am not. You've not got everything you need. I've got such a distrust that things will be there. My rider is now, fuck all, I'll do it. Fuck off. What's your rider? Fuck off, I'll do it. That's my rider.

Water, fuck off. I'll bring my own water. Nuts. Trust no one. After the fifth tour of people going, I've got what you ordered. You ordered Red Bull and ginger nut biscuits. I didn't, did I?

I ordered peanuts and coffee. Get out, cunt. And so I want it to seem like I'm a reasonable person. Trust no one. It's normally said by women who've been cheated on and mafia bosses, and you're talking about the availability of coffee. The only way to seem like a nice person to work with is to do

everything yourself then everyone's your mate that so checks out because i worked with you three years ago and there was someone who was sort of like working with you to sort of like look after your day and every time you left the room you were like so i love it how three years later you've gone now i'm doing normally if i was further away from home than i am now you would see also a cold bag with ice packs. That's got all my food I need. Because you get off stage at half ten, and it's like, if you're not in a big city,

all the restaurants are full. Maccies are starved. What are you supposed to eat? Yeah. Awful. When I get off, because of the amount of energy I burn, as my dad used to say, my arse is eating my trousers by the time I hit the fucking transit.

And I need a lot of calories. I take a lot of energy on a daily basis. So you can't eat before gigs? I try to eat a big lunch half two, three o'clock. But then you can't eat a tea time before a gig. Absolutely. And that's another thing. I can't get my head around.

The word tea time. The confusion it has caused since I've been up here. I said to my father-in-law, do you want to come over for dinner? The fucker took the day off work. I'm around for dinner. It's one o'clock. What are you fucking doing?

It's not Sunday. Can I take you out for dinner, darling? We'll be going prep for a sandwich. Come on. Did the word lunch not make it up the M6? Yeah, but it's nice having those extra five fucking bedrooms, isn't it? Welcome to the North. Are you enjoying your driveway?

Welcome to the North. It's just the word dinner. It's got too many uses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It still means evening meal and tea to me is a drink.

Yeah, yeah. But it's not now. Oh, tea time. Yeah, tea time. That's like poncy tea and biscuits if you have like a tea. An afternoon tea

that would be like a mug and some biscuits laid out on a fancy plate. Yeah, but that's afternoon tea. We still have that up here. It's only really at spa resorts. We say afternoon tea though, don't we? Yeah, we say afternoon tea. We still have that up here. It's only really at spa resorts. We say afternoon tea, though, don't we?

Yeah, we say afternoon tea. That's not tea time. But you don't call that tea time either, do you? No. There's no, like, two o'clock tea time in London where everyone has a cup of tea. No, lunch. Anyone who takes lunch gets fired.

It's literally like he's emigrated to Argentina. I don't get it. I don't get the culture. For comedy purposes, obviously, I'm going to assume. I love the people, love the culture. Do you like it up here? Of course don't get it. I don't get the culture. Comedy purposes, obviously, I'm going to assume. I love the people, love the culture. Do you like it over here? Of course,

I love it. I mean, as soon as that baby was born, my daughter was born, I realised we were going to have to move because it's just, listen,

I love my family to pieces. I've got a really close family and, but it's, things are so busy down there. So my mum and my cousins and my aunts

will come over when there is a reason, event, purpose or errand. Reason, event, purpose or errand. Birthday. So baby's born. Mum, can you do next Wednesday? As long as you've filled out the required forms, scheduled in advance.

I won't overstay my welcome. I'll get a taxi home at midnight. Why would I stay the night when I'm only 40 minutes away? Thank you. Like I grew up with our spare room like sealed off, like a crime scene. It was never used. Up here,

if me and Lindsay need a date night or I'm having a difficult week, boom, throw the baby in the wake. Out comes a nana's arm, an aunt's arm, a cousin's arm. There's so much backup. They've got Auntie Christine.

Live with us during lockdown. Lindsay's auntie. She's moved in, love, because she were bored. She just moved in. She's fucking amazing. Everything's from a tin. You had that happen, didn't you have my brother-in-law she lives she lives from a tin so it's tint we went away recently i'm not making this up i swear to you i will do it as comedy

material because it's so funny at some point i came back and she was cooking meat from a tin with tin vegetables and then looking after my cats and the food she was feeding my cats had a higher meat content than the food she was eating. I'm like, you're seeing a spam. Like, you can't, like, you're a lady for certain age. You're in your 60s,

you shouldn't be eating stuff like that. She'd be like, it's all right, love. I fry it first. I will have no slander against the good name of a tin of spam. A fried spam butty, when you've got no bacon in is just wonderful. I love it to pieces, though. Just tin bacon.

I mean, I just wouldn't have it any other way, though. I like the door open, come in and go in. Lindsay's mum and dad live 15 minutes away in Sale, who her mum says is in Cheshire. Check your postcode, you lying bitch. They're all from Cheshire till the fourth drink, and then they're, come at me, you bastard. I'm not coming at you, you fucking bitch. I'm from Cheshire. Check your postcode, you lying bitch. They're all from Cheshire till the fourth drink and they're, come at me you bastard,

I'm not coming at you you fucking bitch, I'm from Cheshire, yeah. Oh you fuck. Anyway, she's a, they stay one or two nights a week.

They're 15 minutes drive away. They stay at least two nights and I love it. I wake up in the morning, they're pottering about, they're playing with Minna, my daughter. It's something that's,

was not known to me. And it's a bit like the Waltons, we all go on holiday together. But because it's what I didn't know as a kid, I now love it. Yeah, it's very normal. Like, my missus works like an 8 to 4.30 thing now. The new 9 to 5. Your girlfriend, Sam. My missus, Sam.

Samantha. And almost every day after work, she'll be like, oh, I'll be off at hour eight because I'm going to go and just have a cup of tea with my mum. She'll just go to her mum's. And that's unknown in London.

So if I was going to finish work, even if I finished it at four, I'll have a cup of tea with my mum. I'll be like, right, that takes a lot of planning. Rush hour, traffic. My mum is, when I stay in London,

I use like a little Airbnb thing. I think my mum's like six miles from me. Might as well be another universe. It's so hard to get to. Yeah. London's different for that sort of stuff, especially the traffic. I don't know how anyone learns to drive down there. How long have you been up here?

We moved up in 2017 in Cheshire. And it's like you said, what you get for your money is unreal. When we're talking about the North and we're like, if you don't know the North of England We're like Runcombe, Warrington There is bits of Cheshire That are Northern in geography

Perhaps But it's not like The salt of the earth Fucking hell It's Essex in the North basically But accidentally I can't move Fucking waitress

We move We almost like Purely So it's near Lindsay's mum And just for knackeredness Fucking Rachel! Is that on here? Yeah, yeah. I'll pick Wilmslow. Purely, so it's near Lindsay's mum, and just for knackeredness, I'm under two hours from London, and I knew if I get off stage at 10, I can get that last train to Manchester.

It was done like that. It wasn't until I got to this town in Cheshire, I was like, I've moved back to Essex. I haven't seen a real pair of boobs, apart from Lindsay's, for months. Yeah, it's football as well. I've said it to you, and it willms low. If you don't have a leased Range Rover Evoque

on your drive, you get chased out of town. Yeah. It's crazy. My auntie used to have a pub in Alderley Edge. So her and her husband, years ago,

used to run pubs. Have I told you this story? David Beckham, yeah. The Beckham story? Yeah. He was literally like, no, go for it. I don't remember it. Do you not? He's definitely... If he's forgot, then tell her. Brooklyn Beckham story he was literally like no go for it I don't remember it

do you not Brooklyn Beckham if he's forgot then tell her Brooklyn Beckham had his fifth birthday party at my auntie's pub

in Alderley Edge so it had a wacky warehouse in it so Victoria and David Beckham hired the whole place out for Brooklyn's birthday

and apparently Victoria Beckham is one of the soundest people you'll ever meet. David Beckham is, obviously this was years ago before he went to Madrid and became like the global superstar that he is, really shy and quite terrified of Victoria Beckham.

Like he brought the money, the deposit, brought the deposit in cash and was like, my wife told me to give you this. And Brooklyn Beckham, who I'm sure has grown into a perfectly fine adult man, was a little twat. Poor she was. He was climbing on the bar,

pouring beers out of the things and like hanging off like the curtains and stuff. And someone was like, can you please get down from there? And he was like, David Beckham's my dad. That's what terrifies me about success is what if you want to be successful,

but then the risk of your children being a twat increases with every bit of success you get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100% Just got to chop them down emotionally. Are we doing well, daddy? You're fucking not. He said the hamster cunts.

Those little hamster cunt kids. Who says that? He Javis. I thought you said Dr. Dre then, you know. Dr. Dre. There's hamster cunts. How did he rhyme that? It's not going to be a blunt. he's your face i thought you said dr dre then you know dr dre with the pebble dash france is that something you worry about it's just it's just we're not quite there but i've got a four-year-old just had a baby and then there's a point where you're like

if this keeps going is she going to the comprehensive and laura's like she fucking is because she's not ending up like one so like laura's from a council estate in nottinghamogo she would rather she go and like fucking fight it out at the whatever just the normal

secondary school than go to a private school around the corner there's a bit of me who'd like I'd love to raise a little fucking

I'm gonna send my kids to private school but I'm gonna get them the uniform of the local comprehensive and put them in that for pictures to put on Facebook

so all my friends and family think they're going to the shit school, but they're actually getting a great education. All right, so you project that out. Do a comment. If you've got the money, send them private primary and then give them a head start and then boom, bit of real world learning during puberty. The other advantage you've got in some of the areas you've got to be,

you've still got the 11, it's a bit serious for this podcast, but you've still got the 11 plus. So any kid that is bright can go to school with other bright working class normalish children still be around people that are doing normal jobs

but in a learning environment so you're lucky you've got the best of both worlds where's that we're still doing the 11 plus Altrincham for example as an area in between here

and where we're sat has got an 11 plus and some areas in the north west still have it so to me if you can get your kid I'm getting turned on there I didn't know So to me, if you can get your kid into a grammar school, it's the best of both worlds,

because they're going to be with bright children of all income scale. What if she's thick and we've got money? What would you do then? Private school. Then she's going to drama school. She's going to state school. Have you met any posh people? Thick as fuck, but great education.

I know Latin, but I can't square a number. Really useful. Shall we? Do you know Latin, really? No. Carpe diem. Oh, nice.

A little bit that he couldn't be like, no. He was like, I'm going to do one bit of Latin. Is carpe diem Latin or French oh my god there you go he fucking ruined it there you go

it's carpe diem he didn't mean that either oh should we have a break why not let's have a break what's happening guys ooh

look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that that's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com.

You want some official Have A Wared merch? Go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then, instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's what you need, lad. Go and get it. Haveawaredpod.com

so you're dropping a drill track next week russell well listen the other day i was just messing around i'm famously like into into all animals i'm bipedal i have a dog and a cat so i feel like i can comment and having owned a dog for a decade and cat for a decade in my opinion on balance cats just edge it slightly. As better pets? Just slightly. Well, that's a rough opinion, that lad. And exactly.

That's why there has been beef. There's been some more beef than's in my cat's food. And I'll serve that beef back next week when I drop my drill track. So you're doing a drill track about cats and dogs? The meat content's going to be high. You won't want to meet the meat content that's coming at you.

Trust me, Daddy. Oh, never. Please, never call Adam Daddy while you're looking at him. That was a hard moment to deal with. No, but the thing is, do you know what annoys me about it? So if I say, right, I'm bringing my dog today, the first thing you're going to say, is it mixed breed? What breed is it?

And I say, I'm bringing a Rottweiler. You've all got your prejudices about what my dog's personality is going to be like. It isn't. It's a pug called Colin. But if i was to bring my pug you think i'm lazy comical probably gonna have an epileptic fit and piss himself halfway through accurate on this occasion if i say we were worried about that with you to be honest that's the bit that was edited out we've only just cleaned up uh but with a cat if i say i've got a cat don't worry if you don't like actually like my it's not like what breed is it? Because people are so ignorant.

There isn't breeds of cats, is there? They're completely different personalities, more different than you can imagine. Some are aggressive, some are a bit more fighty, some like their outdoor time, some are just like limpet monkeys that hang off you. And the Burmese cats, very much like a dog. My cat, Terry, yeah?

Do I like pussy very? That's just one of my bars i'll be spitting next week my cat terry does he like pussy he very like it all three cats i've got devon rex a rag doll and um oh that was a great terror what are they all called terry donna and roy and if i press that clicker all three of them in a row all three high five all three receive a treat they're all affection they can all be spun around so they sit in your arms oh you train Jesus you've just reminded me when you were training your dog you we did a gig in Leeds and you had your dog with them and you were training him and I remember thinking

Russell doesn't fuck around with dog training do you have a clicker for your cats I do I love how mental you are and so so basically I get all the emotional feedback from the cats that I get from the dog, but with one difference. They bury their own shit in the garden. Boom. Sold. What? Cats bury their own shit.

How many clicks is that? One click wee, two click poo. Four clicks, Terry. He's had a coffee. Bury it deeper. Do the cats ever bring you gifts? Yes, we've had mice. And last week, Roy bought had a coffee. Burying it deeper. Do the cats ever bring you gifts? Yes, we've had mice. And last week, Roy bought me a Tiffany bracelet.

Seriously, don't be spack... Seriously, shit about my cats. I'm dropping it next week. The track gets dropped. It's called Cat Flap. Or it might be called Cheese Keep Cats and pussies keep dogs it's only one you're beefing with in particular here i've invented the whole thing

it is a thing though if you were to if you were to tweet today cats are better than dogs there'll be some people that take it in how you with a tinkle in the eye and other people be genuinely furious yeah people get really angry about it a couple of weeks ago so i i had covid and isolated that me me missus's parents house did you what can i ask you what were your symptoms did you get a cough got a bit tired and more racist me me oxygen dropped one night i was i was i was largely fine he was in hospital for racism involuntary racism really really bad that's when that Russian voice started

wasn't it yeah yeah yeah long Covid racism I'm ready to order now please can I please have the chicken tickle

I can't breathe you listen to me I cannot breathe oxygen 89% it would be amazing if Adam came back from Covid

with foreign accent Covid that is a syndrome I see still going have you seen It would be amazing if Adam came back from COVID with foreign accent COVID. That is a syndrome. Ah, it's still going. Have you seen, that is a thing though, isn't it? Yeah, I've been spotted. Have you seen the woman?

Not for COVID though. Yeah, so because I'd isolated there, I paid for the cleaner to clean their house because they were away at the time. That's why I isolated there. That's when the prostitute's head was discovered. Well, there was a bird discovered, like a pigeon, a full pigeon. So I let the cleaners in,

and then I just sat in her parents' living room, just working away on this thank you show that we're doing on Sunday. I was just like getting the tickets and that sorted. And there was three cleaners there. So you pay for like three hours, but they come for an hour, but there's three of them. So it's like three man hours you're paying for, right?

And they come in and they're like, you all right, love? Yeah, we'll start in the kitchen. We'll go to the bathroom in a minute. And there was not a word out of them for half an hour. They're just passing around cleaning. And then I just heard one of them go, no, I can't. No, no, I can't. There's a fucking pigeon with no belly in this living room and i went what

i tried coming here babe you're gonna have to have a look at this because i can't fucking deal with this i'm only a cleaner and i went in and the cat had like ate away at a pigeon's stomach and then just left it in the how long it had been is it just brought it in no the cat wasn't there so it must have been there a couple of days. What? Did you not notice? No, we... How dirty was your house before? We isolated in that house.

Yeah. And then I went back to my house and her parents weren't coming home for like another week. Oh, right. So it was like the day before they were back, I was like, I'll get the house clean fresh for them.

You've not been sat there with the Chinese and that's been like behind the couch? No. It smells weird. They served it with some pineapple rice inside it could have been up there after six days would you like a pineapple rice chicken yes please no no i'm not dealing with it no that's the real story i'm not cleaning that i'm just the cleaner i don't know what you thought was happening i mean it started dodgy, booking three.

We all know when you book one cleaner and three turn up. No, never seen it. One of the other cleaners was just not us. She was like a bit older, and she just got literally things I'd fucking seen, love. She got one sheet of kitchen roll on her hand, coming and went, I'll use her fucking shit bags, and just picked it up and went and put it in the bin outside. Oh my god.

Recycling. What? She put it in the recycling bin. There isn't a dead pigeon recycling bin, is there? What colour is that? It goes in the green bin. Does it?

Well, it's kind of part of the garden, isn't it? Well, it's in the recycling centre now because it's a port in the bin. That is racist against pigeons. Are you saying pigeons are the same as gardens? Yeah.

Everyone triggered by that? If you've got any dead bodies, don't put it in the garden waste bin. I don't think that's what they want to deal with at the recycling centre. I can't believe it. Not the fucking corpse here, Alan. You don't call a pigeon a corpse.

Is that Barry from Runcorn? Recycle him. Do you want to do some stand-up stories? Have we got stand-up questions? Do you want to do a little bit? We can do one. Fire anything at me. We can do as many as I ask.

Pigeon murdering cunt. I don't murder the pigeon. Would you do it? That is an elaborate covert story, isn't it, for the pigeon murdering. Ellis Adderley says, Hi, Lyd. Semi-serious question here for you.

When I was in my teens, my parents taught me to see some touring comedians, mostly popular comics, playing larger venues. Bridges, Whittaker, Manford. We hadn't been for a few years, so I decided to go to a few more comedy clubs to get my fix of live comedy without paying megabucks

or waiting to see my favourite comics on tour. Every time I've been to a comedy night at a club, the crowd have totally ruined the experience for me. Cunty hecklers and talking while the comic is on or just being drunk and disorderly. Have I just had bad luck? Were they just shit comics for not controlling the crowd? Are all club comedy nights like that?

If you guys could shed some light on shit crowds, then that'd be great. I really want to enjoy club comedy, but it's hard with so many bell-ends in the crowd. Just weird how it doesn't happen as often at tour shows. Love the pod. Keep it up. That's from Ellis. I feel like if he told us what city he lives in we could guess the fucking room

sounds like some philadelphia shit right there that sounds like some comedy laugh shit right there it's you're a man who does both because you're one of the few comics that we taught we we talked about this a lot there's a lot of comics do the circuit they progress past the circuit and you never see them again yeah whereas you tour you do big rooms we both work with you two months ago yeah i've seen you at club gigs you've done the man for gigs you still make an effort to do clubs frog and bucket tonight unpaid unannounced i'm on stage 10 p.m tonight where two nights ago I drove somewhere else, went on stage. Where was I?

Excess Malarkey. Yeah. In the back of a pub, like in a goffy room. I was on there, unpaid. Why? Partly fear of losing touch with the fire that made me sort of thing. You know like in Rocky 1 when he goes down into the basement and punches meat because he can't afford punch bags.

Yeah. And he turns into a bellend. But by the last Rocky movie, back down in the fridge to punch meat because he's realised that's where it's at. The main reason I do that was I saw what happened to people that stopped doing it. So if you just keep doing these big posh rooms and everything,

fine, enjoy your life. Sooner or later you're going to get a phone call to do a big posh show that's got nothing to do with you. It might be the Royal Variety, it might might be john bishop presents it might be anything like that somewhere where your fans aren't your fans aren't it might not even be a comedy show if it's the royal variety show if you've lost touch with how to go on stage to people who aren't there to see you you are fucked it's a particular muscle that you must continue to train. It's also, if you get that muscle big enough, 30 grams of protein a day for the gildem,

if you get it big enough, if you get it big enough, there is corporate work aplenty. If you don't know what a corporate gig is, it's all the people trying to enjoy their dinner before they collect their award, and some show-off prick, i.e. you, the stand-up, is going to go on and try and be funny for 15 minutes

and then hand the awards out. You've now reduced the amount of comedians in our country who are good at those to about 1%. They are the hardest type of gig

you will ever do because it's predicated. They're not just not there to see you, they're not there to see comedy and they're not there to listen.

So the more you take normal club gigs... They're there to be told that they're fucking employee of the year and well done for selling all those cars back in april so not that i'm suggesting frog and bucket and excess malarkey like that they're fantastic gigs but there are plenty gigs i take on purpose in london no mics no lights might be free people in the audience might be all the conditions your listener has just described they're the fuckers i sniff out like a bloodhound it's the equivalent of punch me in me in the face, see if I can take it. That's why I do them, just to stay sharp.

I think the Rocky analogy was fucking beautiful as well. What are you doing this week? You doing any gigs yet? I'm going punching meat in fucking London to make sure that when I get given a fucking face to punch, I'm knocking it off its fucking shoulders, mate. The short answer to the question is, it's not the usual experience.

I play a lot of club gigs, and maybe 5% of them, I go in, oh, they're a bit rough tonight, they've had some heckles. Maybe less than that. I think what's happened here is he lives somewhere

where either there's only one comedy club, or he's gone to the same comedy club, despises bad experiences a couple of times, because maybe the tickets are a little bit cheaper there than they are at the good comedy club down the road like we're not i i'm not here to slag off any comedy clubs because i love them all and i don't mind a bit of a challenge of a gig because i've i sort of share your attitudes i'm not at your level and torn into your level load the bar build the shoulders yeah i want to be good at this stuff so I don't mind taking a tough gig

every now and then. But for example, in Birmingham you've got the Comedy Loft and you've got the Glee Club. And the Comedy Loft, as much as it's put money in comedians pockets, it's not ran meticulously and to the same level of love for comedy that the Glee is.

It just fucking isn't. And if you go to the comedy loft as a punter who genuinely wants to see live comedy i'm very sorry about that then i should go isolate again correlation there's a lot more stags and hens led in there there's a lot more works parties there's a lot more big groups that go to those shows because it's someone's birthday because all they want is as many people in the room as possible whereas at the glee if a stag do rings up they there's a lot more big groups that go to those shows because it's someone's birthday because all they want is as many people in the room as possible

whereas at the Glee if a stag do rings up they tell them yeah you can book in but we're telling you right now if you're a dick you're gone there's no second warning

if you're being a group of twats and trying to ruin the show we'll kick you out so if you're in a city where there's and you're a listener of this podcast you know how passionate

me and Dan are about comedy if you want to email in and go look I live in this city and there's, and you're a listener of this podcast, you know how passionate me and Dan are about comedy. If you want to email in and go, look, I live in this city and there's these different comedy clubs, which one should I go to?

I'm quite happy to email you back and tell you exactly which one you should go to because some are ran better than others and there is a few where this will be

your experience because they allow shit behaviour to go unchecked but there's plenty of comedy clubs out there where it's not and it's ran just like those

big theatre shows are. And you can get unlucky you can get unlucky. I just played The Frog last weekend, it was blinding Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I love that club, it's where I grew up I've done it where you've had one good night out of the three. You can't just get unlucky, it's the nature of the beast. Why is it different on

touring shows? Because the tickets are £25-£30 and everyone's gone, oh my god we're going to go and see Russell! of the beast and why is it different on touring shows because the tickets are 25 30 quid and everyone's going oh my god we're going to go and see russell they're sat there yeah they're touching the microphone how has he thought that up does it make you soft if you do it too much have you gone through because i never have oh right never underestimate the power of a bouncer either comedy store and glee i don't do i have any heckle put downs i don't need him i just go chuck that coming out and carry on yeah i've got comedy the same people like any heckle put downs I don't need them I just go chuck that cunt out and carry on yeah I've got comedy hot water's the same

as well people misunderstand a heckle like a funny interaction where you start talking to someone and then ruin them yes all day long I love doing stuff like that but someone going

get off stage in your grim shorts like oh really is that the best you got yeah yeah it is I just I just let the bouncer

have a whisper that's it oh I love I love I love seeing it asouncer have a whisper that's it I love I love I love seeing it as they're like yeah I fucking nailed that and then all of a sudden

you see the tap of the bouncer and then it's just and then it goes so much quieter I've told the lads of Hot Water now the door staff

because Hot Water they try and run stuff to the same level as the store and the Glee and that do and Binti who runs it genuinely gives a shit

about comedy. He wants the show to be great. So he's got his staff and his door staff drilled to, if someone's talking or shouting out, go over and talk to them. And because of how small Hot Water is a room and they really pack the seats and there's not a lot of walkways,

it's very obvious to everyone in the room if anyone is being told off because the doorman is always sort of visible because of how the room's laid out. I've told them when I'm on, particularly if I'm closing, it's like the late show, until I tell you, get rid of him. Just leave it. Because if he's talking, I'll tell him to shut up.

If they heckle me and it's funny, I actually don't mind that because I'm always like, well, well done. You've said something funny and got a big laugh. If they heckle once and I deal with them, great. If it's three or four times or they won't shut up I'll literally just go to the dorm and do us a favour I'll just get rid of them

and then once the awkwardness is done you laugh with the crowd about how much of a twat they were and then you go back to your stuff like it's very very very easy

a bad club is when they're like could you get rid of them and no one comes because there are some comedy clubs that are like what do you mean

there's a party of eight? Yeah. That's a lot of beer sales. And that's the defining, that's the line, isn't it? If they're worried about a great show or if they're worried about the bar take. I had like a manual heckle the other,

it was just before lockdown actually. I won't say which awards it was, but it was in an industry to do with putting up buildings and things like that. So it's typically my audience. Industry to do with potting up buildings. I won't say the name of the awards.

There's many building awards out there. And it was full of my sort of people. Dave, Gary, Terry, little Dave, big Dave, little Terry and Dave. Every table. Your fucking other pets. Yeah, they were gerbils. There was no sign that there was going to be an issue.

Even though, obviously, it's a corporate gig, so it's choppy seas anyway. So I've gone on, bit of stuff. Yes, I mentioned Brexit, but I made sure to mock both sides. Wasn't being overly lefty, coming in hummers free to bet. Easy stuff.

And start handing out the awards. Everyone's going to go. But what I'd obviously done, there was a guy in the audience just waiting. I don't know what I said, or if he didn didn't like me or if it predated that gig and he wasn't a tall guy maybe five seven five eight but square and he worked for a demolition industry so people working demolition are the hardest of the hard so i handed out the award the opposite industry bringing buildings down exactly uh when i and uh when i hand out awards sometimes i go,

and in silver place, which isn't the winner, and everyone laughs, I mean, the most innocent joke that wouldn't even trigger a 12-year-old. That's the only thing I think I could have done, sort of made fun of who got the silver. So the lads who have won have come up on stage, and I'm doing the photo. Little do I know, the pissed-off lad has tagged on to the end,

pretending to be their mate, working their way down. Handshake, handshake handshake handshake and he goes to me russell puts his arms out to give me a hug i don't know if he was geared off his tits or whatever and then boom i see it changing to a fist at his widest stance because it was a hug that went and this state of me i'm like a pepper army with one fist or two one one he's gone like that fucking defibrillating you then you think think if I go make to hug you, you're not ready for the pull back of my fist because it's already in position.

And I'm like a pepper army with fucking features. If this connects, I'm in trouble. The one advantage is I'm just on coffee. Thank you, Xylus self-plunging cafeteria mug. This guy's come in and it was like the world just went and I just did a head to the side. I got earburn. My ear went red where the guy's fist did you know like at school where someone went like that on your ears that's all that hit me was

on the ear he went to hit me so hard that the punch that missed me he went round and fell off the stage that's how hard the fuck yes for me he came back up off the stage like a horror movie like it's not that i was being tough or anything but i just you can't believe it i don't know if it's happened to you you just don't believe it's happening so you don't defend yourself you don't run off you just sort of stand there waiting to die like a pleb you look hard but you're actually in shock i didn't know what was going on okay he's come up and he's gone for me with the left he's missed that and gone off the other side of the stage the bouncers then come up and knocked

him clean out in front of the audience one day the body the body has taken off uh and they because it's technically an assault i don't realize this they're holding him in a room till the end of the gig so i can decide what i want done with him green bin russell because it was a construction awards i went any other awards i would stop now do you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna finish the fucking awards because you're legends everyone's like losing their shit at the end it was like are you okay have you been triggered you know what i did i went up to my room i watched creed 2 and i drank whiskey i had a fucking banging night that is the most extreme heckle i've ever had and it was if that had hit my head it probably

i don't know what damage it would have done because the guy was big how did he get a second put like that is bad security work isn't it because the stage is maybe as high as this table right so he was up pretty quick with the left the guys were running you've got to bear in mind that i don't know if you know it or any listeners have seen it if you google the grosvenor main ballroom in london of the grosvenor hotel it's massive it can seat four or five thousand people and security's dotted around the edge. You don't really have security next to you on stage, do you know what I mean? I'm not like Chris Brown or anything.

But the guy who punched me thought he was. He wasn't available. Posting the awards, we've got Chris Brown. I wasn't expecting the Chris Brown reference at that point.

It was crazy. Have you ever had anyone try to punch you at a gig um have i has that someone try and punch him on a podcast and you know i apologize doing the posters i don't think i have no my ear was red it was it was crazy just the ear was like but and inside because i'm a moron i'm thinking fucking yes mate rather than i need to go to counseling because i got ptsd did they film it did anyone film that's what i asked yeah i had the ear was like but inside because I'm a moron I'm thinking fucking yes mate rather than I need to go to counselling because I've got PTSD did they film it

did anyone film this that's what I asked yeah I had I had six people waiting outside in Liverpool to do me in

really yeah so I don't know whether you'll have done it you've been selling these Hulk Rolexes all over Liverpool I don't know whether

you've done Hot Water's external gig at Grand Central have you done it? I did one where it was in like a big hall around Christmas

Paul Smith was on before me ripped the shit out of it that's fun isn't it and then the company got pushed in so that one that gig right I was closing it

I think Paul had opened and someone else in the middle I think it was Danny McLaughlin or Freddie Quinn comparing it. So, I get there after doing Hot Water, because it's one of those nights in December where Hot Water have put 11 gigs on and I'm like, you're doing

nine of them and you're running all over the city to do them. So I get there and Danny's like, there's fucking six at the back there, three lads three girls. They won't shut up but the venue won't kick them out because they're spending so much money. Fucking hell. So I them out because they're spending so much money fucking hell so I go on

and they're talking and heckling and I was on my sixth seventh gig of the day and just not in the fucking mood for it so I was

horrible to them but because the whole crowd hated them and they'd been twats all show it was easy to just destroy them and get

big big laughs and they hated it so i was calling the girls coke slags i was calling the lads shithouses i was just awful to all six of them and then one of them goes to come to the stage so they do get kicked out so they're all done so i've just i'm in sort of a a phase of i've done six sets. I've still got three to go. And I come off stage. I sit with Danny for five minutes because I've got 20 minutes before my next stage time or whatever.

So I'm waiting. Then I went to go out. And I come down the stairs. And I go to go out. And the doorman just grabbed me and threw me back in. And he goes, all six of them are waiting out. You need to go out the back way. So he walked me up the stairs and let me out the back door.

And he was like, they're literally waiting to punch down. You could have been done that night. Yeah. If that doorman weren't there, if he'd just, like, nipped for a piss or something, or whatever, I'd have walked out and six of them would have kicked the shit out of me. You'd have had to use your Hulk powers. But it's a surprise it doesn't happen more often, in a way. It is, really.

Considering how annoying we can be and how drunk they can get and pissed off crowd audiences. When you have the power to go can you just get them out? Yeah, yeah. That is so to a lot of guys

and usually it's the dickheads who are misbehaving who that is the most annoying to. Do you know why? Because the show manager gets it. I used to get threatened every night when I was in hot water. He used to try and punch my head in every night. That is you, Carl. You are really rude with people like it. I used to get threatened every night when I was in hot water.

I used to try and punch my head in every night. That is you, Carl. You are really rude with people like that. Yeah, I am rude. Like, oh yeah, I like goat's cheese now. No, but they forget about you. No, because I'm throwing them out. They're like, I'm the enemy then.

It's not you anymore. Yeah. And then they're like, especially lads with girlfriends, ego comes in. Yeah. If they've been on the beach. Yeah.

Horrible, horrible man uh pick one position dan clayton says hello lids if you could only do one position sexual for the rest of your life what would it be wanking what wanking seriously it's the only guaranteed result you never no one's i've never had a wanker i didn't enjoy that that. I have. I've got to the end and gone, that wasn't a great performance by anyone. It's only men that can experience being bored and wanking at the same time. Yeah. I don't think women can experience. I can literally get like brushing your teeth.

I'm like, fuck's sake, I ain't got time for this. The amount of times I have a chore wank in a hotel room. A chore wank? Where it's just like, it just needs to be done. Get it out of you. Like, I'm not enjoying this. A chalk wank? It just needs to be out of me. out of you. Like, I'm not enjoying this. A chalk way. It just needs to be out of me.

Like a weightlifter. Like a weightlifter. That's how big Adam's dick is. He's there in fucking spandex representing Bulgaria. No, I don't know. Favourite position, if I can only do one. You'd have to pick something that you can still do when you're old. You've got to think this through.

Because you're still going to have to can still do when you're old. You've got to think this through because you're still going to have to do that position when you're 80. So if you pick something flash like reverse cowgirl that's your pelvis and hips job. Come on love.

The woman will just be pounding talc instead of muscles you'd have gone to dust underneath her. Holding a Zimmer for fucking. My favourite is

hair on top. So I think that's good for when you're 80 so you just lie there. Hip replacement's more or less guaranteed. Imagine that. All the hips healing no sex for six weeks but like there's no hair being on top better for your hips than your hips doing all the work true i didn't think of that the flashbang i go for the flashbang the flashbang what's the flashbang bro you come in their eyes

and then you're that's not a position that's not a position That's something For men without girlfriends It's the way he delivers it Like it's real The flashbang What's it called You jizz in their eyes You jizz in their eyes They can't see And then you do that

And they're here So they're all distorted That's not a sex position That's what Men without girlfriends Say on blogs Shortly before they're arrested And their hard drives

Get taken away I like the one called The dash headboard Where you just Fucking smash their one called the dash headboard where you just fucking smash your head into the dash. Get in the Vectra. I was thinking

on Missionary something where you can cuddle. Nah, fucking flashbang. Fucking idiot. It's right confusing. Fucking smash the thesis. Carl's having a dirty episode. He's been licking bumholes

and doing flashbangs. Check the hard drive. That's all I'm saying. On top, you get boobs, don't you? Yeah, air on top is just fantastic

because when she gets a bit tired you can take control and fucking help her out. What was that? What the fuck? I never want to fucking see that again.

Do the book on Bronco Adam. You know when you put toddlers in one of those jumping frames under a door? Oh my God. You just grab them and help them out No

No You can't Adam you can't join into the toddler imagery With that No Can I just Can I put that Yeah like a kid who wants a fruit shoot

Just like this Can you hold the ventolin while you pound me Yeah Oh Yeah Oh thanks for that Dan Come on Can you hold the ventolin while you pound me? Thanks for that, Dan. Come on. Hang on a second. You have not answered.

Nice try. Do you know, just a few years ago... You love a bit of anal, don't you? No. I would have said... Again, it's not a position. Bumming's a position. It's not a position. Bumming's a position. It's not a position. Doggy bumming.

Bumming is not a position, though, is it? Doggy's a position. Bumming is a cultural choice. Doggy bumming. Very modern there. Yeah. Bumming is empowering. It's one of the options on the doggy position.

Either that or you're terrible at aiming. Yeah, exactly. I would have said missionary, but I'm getting older. We've got the book there. Let's see what Russell's position is. It's the safest. Oh, yeah. What's your birthday?

Oh, it's the 19th of August. Hey, son of a... Position of the day. Book that we got sent in. I think missionary's the safest bet. It's the flashback. The doctor is in. So that's where she lies on the table sideways

Like there's a medical issue That is what the I mean it's achievable anyway I'd be good with a Zimmer that one So that's a good lifelong one Let's have the doctor is in I like that We've got time

For one Have a word This is... Did you go mission me there? No, I fit her on top because I can see my... I can't... I'm not going to get fitter as I get older, am I? So let someone else do the work.

Oh, look at Adam. Laura's in the past going, stop, I'll do it. Just left her. If I try and go, I'll do it. Oh, you mix it up don't you That looks like That looks like you're trying To take your undies off

Without touching them Is that a position You know when old men Do a walking race And they really go I'm not doing that I'm grabbing their arse Don't try masculine

I'm lost Fucking You make it seem Very aggressive Okay good I'm not doing that I'm grabbing her arse and don't try masculine I'm lost fucking you make it seem very aggressive okay good someone needed to talk quicker than that

otherwise it did sound like an accusation everything after a flashbang is loving yeah yeah I love flashbang do you want to come back to mine or

jizz in your eyes and confuse you do you mean a flashbang check please to mine I'll jizz in your eyes and confuse you. Do you mean a flashback? Check please. So we do have a words, Russell. We do have words where we sort of it's sort of agony aunt but we end up telling people their bell ends a lot more than

you know we help. More important to be funny than helpful on Hathaway. This is from Alex. He says Hi lads. Me and my missus have mates called Mike and Alice. We were at theirs catching up and it came up in conversation that Alice has been working away for up to three

days at a time and last time she was away decided to sleep at someone she works with house instead of paying for a hotel room. But it turns out this colleague is a bloke and it was only those two in the house together. My reply to this was not a hotel room. But it turns out this colleague is a bloke and it was only those two in the house together. My reply to this

was not a fucking chance would I let Emma, my missus, stop at another bloke's house on a work trip. I would rather pay for a five star fucking hotel. Alice's reply

was that I was sexist and rude because I said that I wouldn't mind Emma stopping with another woman. Just not a bloke. Just wanted to get your thoughts really. How would you feel if Sam. Just wanted to get your thoughts, really.

How would you feel if Sam or Laura wanted to sleep at a male colleague's house on a work trip? Am I being insecure or am I right? Thanks, lids. You can use the names as I've already changed them. Kind regards, Alex. So, the work trip. The first thing to ask is,

what would her rules be in the other direction? So, is Lindsay saying to me, if you want to get pissed what would her rules be in the other direction so is lindsey saying to me you're perfect if you want to get pissed and sleep with another woman in a house but you're in different rooms i'm fine with that what the fuck you'll be doing dna identity on my bones in 20 years in a shallow grave therefore if it's if but if it's in both directions you've got to do it really she doesn't mind if she doesn't mind you kipping down with a female work colleague then you do come off a bit controlling husband if you're trying to stop. And I'm sorry, what it comes down to is, what does that person look like?

Because I'll say to Lindsay... I'm sleeping in the garden. I've got this man ruined. It's fine. And, you know, particularly because we've just come through COVID, some people look good looking when the mask is up. They're like, can I eat your fanny? When they put the mask on, it's fine. It's stay at his house so that's the first thing lindsey always

checks i'm going on an intense work project we're working away together i'm working with this girl lottie she's like who the fuck's lottie and lottie's like please touch my pincer then it's fine if lottie's like like a jar of liver do you know the colleague have you met this colleague before make any difference because i feel like that's a bit, as soon as you hear colleague, there's that, it's like, who are you dealing with?

I also, I think the logic, some of this logic is way off, like Alice's reply was that I was sexist. And really, because I said that, why am I stopping with another woman? Just not a bloke.

But you're like, but that's not equal, is it? Like if there's a straight man and your partner's straight and they're staying in the house together alone, that's the same as emma staying with a straight woman who's not attracted to women is he tall is he funny is he charming hotel for her dead easy yeah but i think what you're forgetting there is there will be uh an uncomfortable conversation anyway of i don't

need a hotel i'm friends with him the same way i'm friends with louise you wouldn't mind me staying at louise's just because he's a man doesn't make any difference now i'm sure we've had something very very similar to this before as well what i'm saying is your missus wouldn't let you do that the other way around my missus would be sound what so you're staying at least outwardly she'd be like well you're staying in a house with a fit girl. You're both on a work do. You're going to keep in the same house in two different bedrooms and your missus is going to be fine with that.

Do you know what? Bullshit, Mr. Hair Man. You come right out of a comic book. I think she'd be sound because... You'd be dead. Because we... I know. Corpse can't shake.

We've had sort of conversations along these lines in the past about other people. And I know she's of the frame of mind that Alice is, which is like, you can be friends with men, you can be friends with women, they can be the exact same thing and there's no threat of cheating as long as you're a trustful.

I know that that's her opinion. So because of that, she'd have to be okay with it or completely change what she actually says she believes. So... It's got to be the same for both people. Does it not strike me that I'm not like this? Like, and I...

I just... It strikes me as like, this guy's like... No, because he's a guy, and you fancy guys, and I... But it strikes me as like, this guy's like, no, because he's a guy and you fancy guys. But it's like, how little do you trust your Mrs. Emma? You're like, no, I mean, obviously, I can't leave you alone.

You're such a cock gobbler. I mean, that's why you're not allowed to go to the poster office on your own, Emma. You'll be in the queue and then you'll nosh someone off the stamps. Like, it's just because you're alone with a man doesn't, I would genuinely, this is how my brain works as a partner. If Laura went, oh, we're not going to get a hotel. I'm going to stay at this colleague's house.

It's not because they might get like a glass of wine and fuck. I'm like, who is this guy? I haven't vetted this guy as not a horrible rapey cunt. Who's like, yeah, come to mine. That's my first thing. This is what I get from so I'll be like I'm going to a pool party

well you know the fucking rule no girls at the table I'm like Lindsay if I'm having a drink with someone doesn't mean I'm going to she'd get a bit jealous she's just like

it's inappropriate it's fucking inappropriate what you doing hanging with them you don't know them who are these fucking girls Sally can wait bastard I will look back in anger

fuck off and she just turns the sideburns come out. That's what happens to a mank girls, you know like Wolverine's claws, their sideburns go, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew.

How would Lindsay react if she went to the toilet on a night out, and when she come back you were talking to a girl at the table? So this has been, this has happened

several times, of course. There's a, this is the difference between North and South. It's only anecdotal. So when we went sugar out in Essex, because I've walked in with Lindsay, the girl's like,

I'm going to mug myself talking to you while you're here with that girl and I'll be ignored and comedy fans won't come over. When we've been out Panacea or something like that in Manchester, Lindsay develops cystitis where she doesn't want to leave the table for a piss

because as soon as she does, I know you're out with your wife and why's your name like it's just the gildem come over and lindsey's like i'm like but linds i'm just having a conversation what's the issue it's not that it's what they're fucking thinking that's what i don't like so that could be what this fella is worried about he doesn't think his wife's a cop gobbler for stamps or he thinks men ain't shit and he gonna try but it moves on. It's just the idea. The idea of how that man is looking at your woman regardless of what does

or doesn't happen. And when he's looking at your woman in that inappropriately intense environment under a roof, some people just can't handle it. For me,

I get turned on. And if this guy's single, he is looking at her. He's not. Yeah, he's not. I'll wank about someone who's not in the next room. Is he fine? If he's single, he is looking at her. He's not up to date. I'll wank about someone who's not in the next room. Is he fine? If he's single and there's a... If you don't know them.

If you've met them. It's so easy to avoid all this by just don't stay. He'll be covering that bedroom ceiling in stalactites. Also, here's your missus. Is she like, I don't know. He seems nice. If she's a bad judge of character. Here's the thing for Alice.

So show this to Alice. Here's the thing. Men are so show this to alice right here's the thing men are horrible and they're all horrible like some of us are sounder than others but we're all a little bit okay you just men apparently think about sex every six seconds if this guy's single and you're staying in his house he if you gave him the option thank you would fuck you thank you he would this is the issue. He almost certainly would. Thank you. If you were there and he's single and you went,

look, I broke up with him and do you fancy just having a completely... If she went, I've not broken up with him. Yeah. Do you fancy having,

carry on. He'd do it. Exactly. So that's what your fella's worried about is he knows what men are like and we're sorry, but that's just how it is.

And that's not to say men and women can't stay in a house like alone together without everyone being like no but it's this like that would it's this it's this air quote colleague it's obviously you don't know him this is a random fucking bloke with a long-term friend and i always think like that work that those guys that's where affairs happen in it let's not go there let's just get a little travel lodge separate hotel you don't need to spend a fortune come on it's playing with fire ready to avoid get a hotel yeah just to avoid all of that yeah yeah it's not you it's him i don't like him yeah i don't know what he's thinking he's thinking so again like what someone just said then and i sort of missed it if you're a long-term friend, it's different. It's totally different.

There's men who, like with long-term friends who are girls, who'd go, the fuck are you talking about, Talos? Absolutely not. I've got a colleague. It's thought-pounding. He's thought-pounding you. You didn't have sex. You don't want to have sex with him.

But in his head, he's pounding you in his imagination under the same roof, and it's a form of... There's a trusting there in in that I don't know what that guy's thinking. His thoughts are coming out and going he's doing a in his head.

Yes. He's flashbanging it in his mind. I love it how we've just validated flashbanging. He's doggy bombing flashbanging it in his head. It's one of those things that's never been done

in the bedroom and is invented by 14 year old boys. You do know that don't you that is about 20% of this podcast mate and if you don't believe us stay in his house again

and then when you think like you know oh he might be getting into it now have a little open the door he'll be doing this on his own

just imagining that you're there he'll be there with his favourite teddy fucking the life out of it in a toddler bouncer you ever done a seagull donkey punch no

no one has grow up grow up Russell Kane people have got to get trained it's been an absolute pleasure thank you so much thank you

where can we find everywhere but where can we find you for corporate work and what not and punches well I'm adding gigs very cautiously so rather than doing

here's a hundred dates and some fucker eats a bat and ruins them again I'm just adding things here and there. So just keep an eye peeled on my website. Where can we find your drill track? Russellcain.co.uk, on Instagram and everywhere else, on Russell underscore Cain.

Drill music dropping soon. Be aware. Thank you so much for coming in. We really appreciate it. Ladies and gentlemen, we're recording this on Thursday. On Sunday, we're doing our first, well, not our first, our second ever live show in Liverpool we can't

wait to talk to you about it next week we'll see a lot of years there at that show keep supporting us patreon.com slash have a weird pod you get extra

extra episodes every week you get early access to these public ones and there's a lot of extra content going on patreon for the rest of the year

we're very excited there's still merch at have a weird pod.com and that's pretty much it for now. Go ahead. Ta-ra. you you you