Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #134 with Vittorio Angelone - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

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Your capital is at risk. Don't invest anything you can't afford to lose. Be safe. Don't be a fucking dickhead. Now, let's get back to the pod. Tidy boy. Like, up there with the most tired I've ever been. Oh, my God. You look like you've been fucking stroking an evil, like, James Bond villain. Like Up there with the most tired I've ever been Oh my god

You look like you've been fucking Stroking an evil like James Bond villain Do you know what I did? Very lazily This is how tired I am I limp brushed The body of this

And not the arms Because I was like No one looks at the arms do they? Still limp brush though I'm exhausted I'll just do my tours Oh no because it was It looked like I'd been like

Fucking wrestling with a molten dog. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've had a really great few days in Edinburgh show-wise. Like, I had three great shows,

and I've got the bones of a new tour show. That's exciting. Like, I've got, like, half an hour, half an hour maybe 40 that you know could become something and 20 that needs to stay exclusive to the three audiences that have just seen it roughly when tour new year thinking uh february february that's a lot of time to get that yeah um we'll talk about uh something that happened at last night's show, but I stayed in the McDonald Hotel, which is a hotel chain. I've heard of it. And it's on Holyrood,

so it's round the corner from the Pleasant. And when I'm in Edinburgh, priority for me is as close as possible to my venue, so I can just walk to it, a nice little chill five-minute walk or whatever. Yeah. It was... So I booked it because it was a four-star spa hotel and it wasn't that

expensive so i was like do you know what be the one time i've been in edinburgh and can actually just relax i have a nice hotel instead of getting like the travel lodge which is actually slightly closer to the pleasant uh i was like i'll do this it's a two-star hotel that got a four-star rating a few years ago and has let its standards slip the bed was so unbelievably uncomfortable like really uncomfortable too soft too hard like an ironing board with lumps in yeah and like i went down at one point and i was like my bed's awful because i change rooms like i just think it might just be this bed and uh she she so she went no and that was that she said nothing else after she went he's got a scottish accent down she was from uh okay other than you he's from different shores you you're you know like gay people have gaydar, or some people just have gaydar,

when like, I'm pretty sure, beep, beep, beep, that guy's gay. You can definitely spot a foreign, but you're not good at pinpointing where they're from. Terrorist. I think I'm terrorist. She works at the Hollywood McDonald's Hotel. Hello, welcome to McDonald's.

I don't know what an accent was and i estonian like estonian yeah sounds estonian but she's been other places as well any estonian like this isn't a fair stop estonian but it's not her first rodeo yeah she went but i went can i change rooms and she went no i was like you need you need to elaborate on don't you, you can't just say no to a customer, and I went, sorry, what do you mean, no, she goes, the hotel is full, and everyone has checked in, so no, and I went, right, okay, and I just walked away, back to my room, with my ship, and sort of laughing to myself, the air con in the room didn't work and the most important thing for me in a hotel room without any shadow of a doubt maybe the bed the bed being comfy is

a big one the shower i want a nice decent shower the shower in this hotel was like a valium patient dribbling on me it was just zonked up like it was just terrible and it was clearly attached to like the the water system of the rest of the floor you know like when you're in the shower in yours and laura flushes the toilet and it goes either not or dead cold for a sec yeah it kept doing that so i was like i'm in 307 whoever's in fucking 314 every time they have a piss or the shit it's changing and there was a lot of people on my floor pissing shitting and doing something else with the water every time i got a shower right fucking awful when for something to eat in the the restaurant that it was in they just didn't bring me to the things i owed them like we forgot to write it down and i was like this is fucking insane i went i love how they do with customer service like there's no water i can't make water it's not raining oh my god where's my food uh we ate it stood at the bar

to pay me bill for my food for like 10 minutes without being acknowledged and there was a girl just filling the fridge up and i thought well she's like the bar back or whatever. So she won't be. She was the one who ended up coming to me. But she filled the fridges up and cut limes before she came on. Fuck off. While making eye contact, which is borderline aggressive. Like, I don't care if I cut finger.

Fuck you. Oh, awful. And then only last night. So last night, I knew I had to be up at 6 a.m i was getting the 652 out of edinburgh when you were answering a whatsapp at eight o'clock i was like what the fuck oh yeah yeah yeah to get back here to do this rather than getting like a guest co-hosting up early as fuck to get here last night could not sleep so and it's i reckon over the past three nights i've had less than 10 hours sleep total awful you know when you're so tired you feel sick right and then i

realized what was happening so the day i got there tuesday i was gonna go monday but i was too long over after the the patreon live show and had some stuff to sort out so i went up on tuesday on a sort of not a part one but a two-day hangover. And by the time I got there, I'm a bit tired. So my show was a quarter to nine. And just as a little pep up before the show, I had a strong coffee at nine o'clock at night. And then because I didn't sleep well on Tuesday night,

I woke up on Wednesday, sort of meandered through the day, went and did Sloss and Kai's podcast. Couldn't nap during the day, just had aosh and kai's podcast couldn't nap during the day just had a couple of other things to do so then before my show was like i need a coffee to pep me up and a coke so i've done that again and then gone for a couple of pints with a shan about to eat and then last night before the show i had another strong coffee and that's obviously you need it by then you're sort of like in deficit So because I was sort of so tired when I got there,

it's put this sort of system in place where I'm having a coffee, a strong one, like an Americano, extra shots of espresso at nine o'clock at night, every night. And then I'm lying there at half three in the morning like, why can't I sleep? This is weird. On your fucking ironing board.

Yeah, awful. And then a man from the Asian continent tried to rob £10 off me this morning. The Asian continent. I mean, you're getting closer in terms of specifying, aren't you? Some type of foreign. From the Asian continent. So here's what happened.

I mean, are we talking India or the Chinese? No, the first one. First one. Chutney. If I was going to throw a chutney if I was going to throw a dart if I was going to take a guess

I would say he's from India so sort of more Ishani than Steve's missus yeah yeah

sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod to find out about Steve's girlfriend who watched the episode she did his cum companion

Judy hi Judy you alright Judy the Chinese watched the episode she did his cum companion judy hi judy all right judy the chinese cum companion she's from that's a full title do you know we are now on the domain find my chinese student.com we do yeah she's from oh she's from chong ching dan tan it's not ching chong no no it isn't oh get a map out get a map out because if you say it wrong it's the worst thing you've ever done in your life i've been ching chong china on google it's chong ching it's not you're saying it racist i'm saying it right see it's a it's Chongqing though it's a Q yeah but it's pronounced

Chongqing Chongqing there you go anyway it looks like assistant producer Steve is seeing a lady from it looks like a Chinese

sort of slang for sucking dick I'm Chongqing on a dick it does 10 hours sleep 10 hours sleep I mean that's the problem with chunking in it you're like that's i think it's a euphemism for blow jobs i'm not sure that's why it's an issue i'm chunking on a diff so we've now offended judy's home city as well as her no i haven't offended it i've just said

it just looks like shout out to chunking i i don't know what it's like i'm all i'm literally chongqing for life big shout out chongqing if anyone's watching from chongqing yeah fucking shout out vamos chongqing the seaside the old chong chong chongqing no that was no no no they call it chai town they do in china they call it i honestly feel like i'm not here you know i feel like i'm asleep on the train like like crew i feel i have gone past me stopping i'm asleep i don't know what i'm doing wrong there is a city in the middle of china a municipality municipal a municipality yes yes nailed it fourth time called chong chqing Chongqing yeah so what am I doing wrong nothing there's a place called Hull let me tell you about the Indian man who tried to steal money

sorry sorry shout out Chongqing Chongqing look for life sorry god um he wasn't from Chongqing no he might be I don't know but I would assume based on based on his face, that he wasn't. I think that's fair. I don't know for sure. That's like the cutest version of racism. I made a judgment because of his face. From somewhere different, freeving cunt. Where was this? So here's what happened.

I was going to go into town. The reason I asked to put the record time back a little bit today, I bought a suit yesterday because I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. And the reason I bought a new suit is because I didn't have time to get the suit I've got in the house altered in time for the wedding. And it's way too big on me. So I was like, I'll just buy a new suit, completely different to the one I've got. And then I've got suit options whenever I need to put a suit on um all makes sense but it's it's a dark

gray with like a check pattern suit it's really nice and a matching waistcoat but the waistcoat is a little bit tight like so if i had eight pints in it like i couldn't take my jacket off because i'd be bursting out the waistcoat so i bought a replacement waistcoat like an extra just black to go under it which will match match the belt, match the shoes, and it'll look nice, and it'll break the shoes off. Are you a day guest? What?

Are you a day guest? I'm a night guest. Waist coat, waistcoat on a night, yeah, you fucking pimp. I'm not fucking turning up like some fucking punk.

No, I feel it, lad. I'm all over it. Who's wedding? I know we're coming back to the robbery. So his name's Matt Costello, and he was me mate.

How do I know Matt Costello? I don't know. Have you talked about him on the pod? Are you thinking elvis costello thinking of elvis costello yeah the famous crooner yeah crooner he's not a crooner is he he's a musician the famous crooner oh he's yeah he's quite croonery yeah he's a bit is he a bit jazzy yeah yeah i always say when i think of elvis costello i think of Jules Holland and I think of Bert Bacharach it's that era of

no Elvis Costello I don't know anything about these cunts I think of Rigoberto Mourinho yeah I think of Rigoberto Song have you not seen

the scene in Austin Powers when he sings with yeah Bert Bacharach I love that scene right cool yeah

anyway shout out Chongqing what so we were best mates when we were in little school and then we don't really talk that much anymore uh like every every night doing it what yeah every sort of year or two he's like although we haven't really had a pint or whatever for a while should we go and have a pint or he'll bring his missus to one of my shows and we have a drink afterwards and nice we've we've always just kept

in touch because when we went to year seven he went to the blue coat school because he got in and I went to Cardinal Heenan

because I didn't alright he's a very clever lad but it's so it's his wedding you said that like I was like shit

blue coats Liverpool wow what player is it a good school it's not amazing it's just you have to pass an exam to get in oh the 11 plus yeah Shit, blue coats Liverpool. Wow. What a player. Is it a good score? It's amazing. You have to pass an exam to get an exam. Oh, the 11 plus.

Yeah. Do they wear blue coats? Yeah. Yeah. It feels like you've got to, don't you? Yeah. Yeah. What you just, I know we're getting to the robbery.

People want to know. And they're getting bugged by me interrupting. Shout out Chong Chong. But what, what are you dropping? What are you dropping? Yeah. Just to reference Chrissy D on Are You Garbage. Oh, I thought you meant whatever I paid on the suit.

No, no. This suit, you know, that's private. I want to know what you're giving me. I'm going to put 100 quid in it. Oh, straight on it. I think that's fair for someone like... I think that's... I think it's more than fair.

Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to put 100 quid in an envelope and give them that. Yeah. You have to be related to me by blood to get 100 quid or more. Really? Oh, well, not now. Because everyone's like, fuck it, I'll order it all right, aren't you?

He's already bought my Christmas present, you know. Yes, I do. He knows what it is. I think I know what it is. But I'm not going to say it. I'm not looking at you no i'm gone wait there no no no no i'm gonna tell dan what i've told you okay and he'll be able to back me up right and then to the robbery and then i genuinely you you'll get no reaction out of me i'm a fucking master bluffer as we'll fucking prove in a minute and as i proved last year i was i smashed last year and you had no idea what you were getting you did right so all i've told him is carl and this is insane and i

would never normally do this but it is what it is um i've told him it cost 800 pounds and that it's something he'll get everyday use out of but it's something that he wouldn't necessarily spend 800 pounds on himself fair Fair enough, innit? It's a conservatory. He's dropped. 800 pounds. He's paid. It's fucking cheap, that one.

Yeah. I think it's a neon lit sex swing. A neon lit sex swing? Yeah. Yeah? What, you're really open? Oh, he says you ain't going to give any reaction? You're, uh... What have you been talking about?

What, you're actually going to do? You're uh what you been talking to me what you actually been gonna do you wanna jizz on a neon lit fucking sex swing I don't wanna say I don't wanna put it out there I want it to just

exist oh my god I can't imagine a worse sex swing every time you light it up there's every stain you've ever left

there like oh my god it's a blue light as well that's the neon blue light yeah but then you could do

like memory lane with your missus then couldn't you remember that come it was in June when it got in your ear yeah That's the neon blue light. Yeah, but then you could do like memory lane with your missus then, couldn't you? Remember that? That's in June when it got in your ear. Yeah. Remember this one when it bounced off your forehead? Look at that on the wall.

This is the one that dribbled out your arse. That's munch punch. Now I need to spend £800 on you and I don't want to spend £800. And that's why. That's why I did it. What a cunt trick to be like lads best present ever i've spent 800 no just saying no but it is the thing and this is true and you you've got to back me up on this so last year we went shopping together and then we said right let's for the first time

ever do proper christmas presents for each other i had bigger plans and covid fucked it as well that's my present wasn't the best no no no i think your present last year was other. I had bigger plans and COVID fucked it as well. That's why my present wasn't the best. No, no, no, no. I think your present last year was great. But I had bigger plans. Yeah, that's fine. But we agreed last year on a 200 quid

rough budget slash limit. And I went slightly over it in the end because I found something that he really wanted and I was like, I'm not going to knock the enemy. But we agreed 200 quid.

But we also agreed that this year's present would be, the price limit would be proportional to the growth of this show. And by Christmas, this will easily be four times bigger than it was last year. We had 2,000 Patreons at Christmas last year. This will be closing in on 8th of December. Jesus Christ.

Yeah. And that's why, if you're getting married, I have to give you More than a hundred Because everyone's like Fuck I'm doing well lad Yeah okay Also there is one thing

About saying This is how much I spent So that you don't get him Like a fucking Cattle A cafetiere or something And he's like Oh we both drink a hot drink

Based Yeah You don't want a kettle What? You don't want a kettle He? you don't want a kettle he's saying it like he's already bought a kettle he's saying it like

he's already bought one and he feels bad that's the kind of banter you get on the Have a Word podcast Chongqing for life neon lit kettle it is so

not going to come on that that's fair enough shouldn't he though because he makes a proportion of what you and I make, spend the same proportion? No. Okay. Up my percent, then.

I'll help you with the Christmas present before I up your percent. Why would you have opened the door to the pay rise conversation? Why did you do that? I'm going to close that door. No. I'm in now, lad. Order.

Order. He's spending 800 pounds. And do. Order. He's spending 800 pounds. And do you know why he's spending 800 pounds? Because I also know that between now and Christmas, he'll want something else and I'll find it and I'll end up getting that as well because I'm a frivolous, generous twat. Nah.

He's spending 800 pounds. I might get him a conservatory. Well, yeah. Did you get mugged or anything by a Southeast Asian man? Can't remember. So, you've been mugged recently? No, I didn't end up getting mugged, no. Because I told him I wouldn't have it.

Was it Isha? He was so gullible on the streets. He got mugged by that woman who wanted money for the baggage. It wasn't on the streets. Let me get it. Right, here's what happened happened why don't you just tell the story Adam what he's doing there

is he's taking a piss because it's him stop and you tell him the story I knew he wanted to but I made out like he was the one

stolen ching chong for life chong ching chong ching oh shit keep saying it right so that we're on the right side of it

end of my career I'd like to Chong Chong erm so the plan because that waistcoat doesn't fit

was to get to Liverpool early and get a new back put on the waistcoat which is a bit wider which is what that's what this

procedure is called when they make a waistcoat a bit bigger you get a new back put on it. I rang Slater's on the train down, and they said we wouldn't be able to get that ready for you tomorrow, so I was like, right, I'll just wear the black one then, I've got that fits perfectly.

So, I was getting the train from Edinburgh to Liverpool, which is, you get the London Euston train from Edinburgh, you change at Wigan, and you get the train, which takes about 50 minutes, from Wigan to Liverpool Lime Street, and then it would have been a 20 minute taxi from Liverpool Lime Street to my house, which takes about 50 minutes, from Wigan to Liverpool Lime Street and then it would have been a 20-minute taxi from Liverpool Lime Street to my house, which is about 15 quid.

And I thought, fuck that. I'll just get a taxi to my house from Wigan, which will be like 25-ish quid. So in my head I'd gone, to save an hour, and remember I've been exhausted and I just wanted enough time. I was going to drive here and nap there and wait for you. But when I got in, my bedroom was, like, really cool.

So I was like, I'll just, I'll nap here for an hour and then I'll go to work. So in my head, I was like, I'm paying 13 quid here so that I can nap for an hour, which was so worth it at the time, right? So I get to Wigan. I've pre-booked a taxi. And I asked them for a quote. Now, it wasn't 25 they wanted 30 so i was like right sound that's only an extra five in my head i'll i can live with that that is only an

extra five illegally as well so yeah yeah so got the taxi checks out and on the way i noticed that my man who by the way and i'm not saying this in a derogatory way he couldn't understand the word i was saying but he was determined to have a conversation and i don't want a conversation with taxi drivers anyway never mind the one who's like where have you been and i'm not gonna do his accent where have you been and i'm like, I've been away for work. You've been on holiday? No, I've been away for work. Oh,

to see your wife. Where does your wife live? I haven't got a wife. So who have you been to see? The accent's slipping in. It is a little bit, yeah. So I noticed on the way,

he had his meter on and I was like, that's fine. And it got to, like, we're on the m58 or the 57 and it had gone over 30 quid and i was like hmm then we pulled outside ours and he said that's 42.70 please and i went it isn't and he went oh what and i was like i asked your company the price and they quoted 30 quid and i said is that a set price and they said yeah we can make it one and he goes they didn't tell me they didn't tell me 42.70 and I went

shall I ring them or do you want to ring them because I've literally only got 30 quid in cash here anyway and I wouldn't have got the taxi for 42.70 I wouldn't have done that so who's ringing them and he went let me just check my messages to see if they sent anything to me and it was like he thought because he was in the front seat and I was in the back

that I couldn't see his phone screen that was stuck on the window and he literally went on Facebook scrolled through three posts and went

it does say 30 quid someone's going to state us about it. Jackie at the depot. She just does Facebook posts. She does posts about immigration. She's pretty pro-EDL, which is weird considering who she works for. And then occasionally

she's like, oh my god, big news guys. We're having casserole for tea. And a passenger from Wigan to Liverpool is getting a set price of £30 lals so he tried to rob me of £12.70 right I wanted

way more threat and drama than that also I wanted you to do the voice so badly but er £12.70 did he lock the doors as well? did he lock the doors? he got his gun out to do the voice so badly but uh yes I've had you £2.70 okay maybe I did it did he lock the doors

as well what did he lock the doors he got his gun out oh my god I said you'll pay me the money that's it

now what did you do which kind of what kind of gun was it what what kind of gun was it wasn't an Uzi a sawn off shotgun

a sawn off shotgun a sawn not a shotgun a sawn off shotgun A sawn off shotgun Not a shotgun A sawn off shotgun Yeah Just as you just keep it there This fucking isn't a set price Mother bitch Just check Facebook

Just check Facebook Bloody Jackie Could have shot you then bro Yeah That's my Wigan accent. So I nearly got it. Did you nap? When I got in, I've had an hour.

Nice. Does that help? Sometimes an hour can make me feel better. Do you know when I first woke up from here? Oh, no. When I first woke up from here, I felt worse. But I wouldn't be able to be sitting here having this conversation with you now if I hadn't had that hour.

Do you know if you have a coffee and two ibuprofen and then nap you wake up like usain bolt you could have ran here i don't think that you've researched that properly i've done it and it feels great i don't think my kidney and liver is dealing with sunday night properly i don't think i could do that you wake up with a little bit of a hazy headache don't you after a short nap sometimes it stops that all right't you, after the short nap? Sometimes. It stops that. Oh, right. And you've got the coffee already working,

you're fucking ready to go in it today, mate. Give it a go. Everyone comes back from Edinburgh with a bit of a hangover. I know you've not been boozing loads, but there is a sort of emotional tiredness. You go for the month when you're starting out and you're staying on someone's couch,

you've got some shitty flat that you're sharing with other comics who keep banging through the door and then you go drinking so tempting to drink and then it's an up and down month the first time i did it was big value the next year was with josie long doing a half and half i came back from both those fringes absolutely wiped out and then you do as an older comic the stakes are higher you've spent more on the show you've tried harder you're getting bigger reviews you you've got agents coming in you've got tv people coming in to see it and then the last time i did it i did with my family and that was knackering i haven't ever come away from a fringe not feeling

fucked like a bit wiped out and you've managed to do that in not the month in the three days i'll just go up there it's like being a comedian in edinburgh at the fringe it doesn't matter if you go up for three hours, you still come back feeling a bit wiped out. Just the sleeping pattern thing. And also, you walk everywhere in Edinburgh and it's almost like Edinburgh hack. Everything is uphill.

And you go somewhere and uphill and on the way back you have to somehow, for some reason, also go up a hill. And it doesn't make any sense. Yeah, it is a it is a weird one that if you know edinburgh if you've been to the fringe uh it's cowgate runs at the bottom yeah hollywood's at the bottom then princess street is up there and then the train station's down there and the royal miles high and then to get to cow bait it's like it's like so layered

it's unbelievable it's because they built a new city on top of an old city, didn't they, when the plague happened? Like the plague happened and there was loads of dead bodies and that and they were like,

instead of clearing this up, we'll just build a new city on top of it. What? It's true. That's actually what happened. No, the new town we're talking about.

Yeah. Are you talking about the new town? Yeah. Oh, the new town's just across the way Are you talking about the new town? Yeah No the new town's just across the way innit? Yeah but it's built like the reason there's

loads of like caves and stuff No that's the old town Yeah The new town's Yeah but the old town used to be even lower What?

Edinburgh is a city built on top of a city Are you kidding? No Was there a castle underneath the castle? I don't know I don't know how old the castle is the castle's high isn't it it is sometimes when we talk about actual stuff like it's so hard to know who's intelligent who's a moron and who's right and

who's wrong because just carl is one of the more intelligent people I know. And when he goes, the castle is high. Castle is high in the sky. On a rock. And then down into town. I thought you were getting very confused because the new town is across from the train station. That was all built when the old town became just overrun and infested. And like where the train station is, was like a fucking cesspit wasn't it was like a just a like a bog and everything it was totally horrific and they built that town but what you're telling me now is that they've built a town on top

of the old town i'm gonna tell you the truth here then i mean the castle's high we know that the thing i just told you yeah someone told me that a long time ago and you've run with it and i didn't question it you know do you know liverpool yeah it's built on rock and roll why did i actually wait for a proper answer i went yeah no no we built this city on yeah yeah and roll yeah it's one of my favourite Beatles songs we built this city it's great love it

and Lennon Lennon McCartney guys we um when we listened to music in the club nearly said lemon went to Pogues a day and we were making footy songs

to songs that come on and I made a song for that no Carlton Cole yeah why did you call Carlton Cole for front bar? Just so you know. If he signed for Man City, his song would be,

he plays for City, he's Carlton Cole. Yeah. It's like my old flatmate Andy when he did the Gabby and Bong Lahore one. Hang on. Ooh, ah, chuckle, chuckle, ooh. Give him the ball, he's bound to score. Everybody loves him, Bong Lahore. Ooh, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle, ooh. Brilliant. Can I just tell you what's unbelievably fantastic, though? What? Giving the ball He's bound to score Everybody loves Zamboglo Boom Chaka-laka-laka-laka

Brilliant Can I just tell you what's Unbelievably fantastic though What? I did the I brought that Edinburgh thing up And Carl At some point

Jordan me saying Edinburgh's built on top of Edinburgh He was like hang on This is the time to bring up My Carlton Cole thing I was going to do that I'm just going to put it On the back burner

Where were you? Pogues In P you? Pogues. In Pogues? Pogues Mahones. Yeah. Lovely little Irish bar. Obviously. Yeah.

Has anybody ever smashed the heaven road once and then never gone back and just like smashed the floor? American comics. No, I mean, as in like without any previous hype about them. Oh, and what,

and never gone back? Because they've just smashed it that good that they've just made it. Oh, I don't know about that. You'd have to know, you'd have to really get in the ins and outs of like the history of but i know people have turned up at the fringe been a relative unknown and fucking stormed it um and the american comics come over in a like um hannibal barres was there last time like 2012 2013

in and around when I did those three shows on the bounce Michelle Wolfe did it a few years ago and she got nominees for best newcomer she did Live at the Apollo and then went back to American

and it's become a huge success do you remember when Eddie Pepitone was in at the Fringe 2014 and he just like legendary

all the comics were talking about it and in New York comedy Eddie Pepitone's very well known and famous no one knew him over here and did he do the the what's the it's a screen pub right near the middle of the what's it called near the church right in the center of just off the royal mile uh daryl's got it as a

venue and it's downstairs in that pub and it's the tron the tron i think he did the tron and everyone was like mate he gets out of the crowd and heckles himself and it was The Tron The Tron I think he did The Tron and everyone was like mate he gets out of the crowd and heckles himself and it was that that was one of those ones where comics were talking about it so that's a weird set of circumstances

because like it's usually New York comics probably some LA comics as well do stuff like The Fringe but as a sort of like they've built up a bit of a reputation they've got a bit of buzz around them

and then you might never ever see them again yeah um but uh once you can sell tickets in edinburgh i can i imagine it's pretty tempting to come back and try and keep doing it because i know we slagged it off but because you've been there i've been thinking about the fringe and sometimes when we get annoyed about it it's more of the expense and the bullshit, and genuinely, you come back a bit like, and then the first gig you do is weird because you've just had a month of everyone being like, oh, that was nice, that was lovely,

and then all of a sudden, I'd be at Baby Blue on a Friday night going, these are fucking morons. It really feels like a gear shift, but there's been times on stage at the Fringe where I've had the nicest time with the soundest crowd just enjoying myself like really like expanding on bits of material and having fun like it is a lot of fun when you're when you're enjoying the shows it's great isn't it well yeah so i've just done three nights the second night was probably my

favorite show i've ever had never my life. Not the best one. My favourite. Because, so first of all, it was very strange to turn up and have three 150-seat work-in-progress shows sold out in advance. You just know. You don't need to fly. You don't need to do any tweets to get people in. Just turn up and do your show. And I went on with a notebook every night,

just had like bullet points of stuff I wanted to flesh out. And the crowds were so, they got it, they were like, yeah, yeah, this isn't finished, and how could it possibly be, you have some lids in, yeah, that is something we need to talk about, so, very grateful, Tuesday's crowd, great, Wednesday's crowd, like I say, probably my favourite crowd I've ever performed of in front of up there they wanted me to push it further and further

and further to the point where I could literally just bring up an idea that was obviously going to be naughty and go one way or another and they were just

laughing at the audacity of trying these routines how many what percentage of our lot do you reckon when I say our lot I mean you lot so at the start of every show which I always do When I say our lot, I mean you lot.

So at the start of every show, which I always do in Edinburgh, it's always how I open, really. I always check why people are there. So I said, give us a cheer if you've been to see me do stand-up before. And every night, it was sort of between 5% and 10% of the room. Not much had seen me actually before do stand-up. Then I said, who's here for the podcast? 50% to 70 jesus and then the rest of them were just there because there's there's a show on and we want to go and see this guy because it's

8 45 at the pleasant courtyard and they'll have heard of you they'll have some of them no some of them hadn't all right like i like i literally went who doesn't know who i am and you're getting 20 30 of the room cheering yeah um but the the people who are coming from the podcast are like we mentioned it a couple of months ago they're shouting podcast phrases during routines not many of them last night there was two and I texted you before the show last night and said there's a bell end here and he's going to shout during the show. Because as I walked into the courtyard, he went, Adam! I listen to the podcast!

Across the fucking courtyard. And I was like, right. And I sort of understand why they're heckling it. I do understand it. Because they love it. Well, what they're trying to do is go, hey, I listen to that thing you do. I'm a bigger fan of yours than everyone else here yeah that's

what they're doing but they don't realize that they're completely so first of all there's people who just want to see stand-up of mine because they're just stand-up fans and they don't listen to the podcast and they don't know what child upset me nasty bitch means and the people who've never heard of me before definitely fucking don't know what it means so you just end up looking like a disruptive twat to everyone and you're pissing me off. So, and I know it'd be the exact same for you. If you're shouting during the show, what you're trying to do is go, Adam, we should be friends because I like that thing you do. And you're just making me think you're the biggest bellend in the room. It's so, so frustrating. And last night, he chose, these two of them chose to do it during the routine that i've

i'm trying to rework about the girl i fucked who died three days later so it's a really delicate routine about a girl who's actually dead in real life and that's when they chose to start shouting podcast phrases so at the very end of the show i literally like in a non-humorous way like a non a non-humorous way i just went l, lads, here's a bit of a lecture on how to behave at a comedy show and why what you've just done makes you a bit of a tit. And it needs to stop. And I tweeted about it.

I put it on my Instagram. Please, if you're going to come and see us, do stand up. We understand that you want to let us know that you enjoy the podcast and stuff. Come and speak to us afterwards. We always come out. You'll always have a chance to see us. You can always just tweet us and say,

big fan of the podcast, come on to the show. It's the same to us as getting to... And say hello. Like, that's fine. Doing it during a show. Like, I'm going to, when I eventually go on tour, especially when you're filming stuff as well, I'm going to have a zero tolerance on it.

And if people are doing it, I'm just going to boot them out. It's different for Adam because he was already doing a tour he's done tours before he's done this podcast i'm putting together a tour that's going to be announced soon for this time next year and it's like i don't ever want anyone to think we're not grateful because that's very important i am so grateful and i put that on the tweet yeah i was like i i do love you all like you've given me career a proper boost you like especially if you're a patreon you're putting money in the bank even if you're not a patreon you're contributing to the youtube adverts

and the sponsorships we get we're so unbelievably indebted to our listeners but that doesn't give people sort of the right or the entitlement to make a show about you and be shouting out. Because we're doing this to try and tour more. We both got into this to do this because we like hanging out, we like making each other laugh. We want to build this up. It's gone better than I ever fucking could have dreamed of. But really the point was to then go and sell tickets for a tour.

You can't use the thing that we've made that we love to then fuck up the thing that was meant to be the final product. It's so frustrating because you're going, I love it and I know that you love it and I want you to know that I'm in. And then the timing is so off. I have seen people chip in since we've done this and since it started taking off.

People come to gigs all the time. I've seen it done where it works, but it's not, it's not good. So what I do and what I'm sure Adam does, I throw in a few little audio callbacks to the pod, just to be like, if you're in from the pod,

I know that, you know, this, this is for us. Like I do a mama like that mama like in the set but to to shout out and interrupt it's so frustrating rhythm and flow and pacing and timing are so important to the the art of stand-up and when when it gets thrown off it it can derail a whole routine and you don't know what you're interrupting you don't know whether you're interrupting a really important

setup for something later in the show or whether you're about to ruin a punchline or whatever come and enjoy the show and just don't shout out it just makes you look a bellend

it'll take some beating to beat the girl in Nottingham last year who I understand she was having a rough night I hope she still watches she does because I was

I was a bit off with her that night because I was annoyed because but it got so bad with her. She was steaming and that's fine. I've been drunk at comedy shows before, but at the point where she stopped me dead

on the build-up to a joke to go, Tom's having a baby. I should have a round of applause for him. I was like, oh my God. I literally wanted to cancel the part of like, I can't do this. And the woman next to her was like, I don't care. Can you let him do his bits? And you're like, I can't do this. And the woman next to her was like, I don't care.

Can you let him do his bits? And you're like, she's got a point. Yeah. So I know it's never going to be that bad, but fair one. We love you guys. Just don't be knobs.

There'll be loads of people from the podcast who are embarrassed with that, won't they? They'll be sat there going, what the fuck are you doing? Because they know what it's about. But that one or 2% are like, I had a lot of messages coming to me uh twitter dms and instagram dms last night

which were like uh lad i love the podcast i can't believe those fucking helmets we shout and i was it just it makes us all look like fucking idiots and i was like yeah yeah i know i know what you mean so yeah we want you to come and see us live the shows are going to be great dan dan's new stuff is unbelievable i'm working hard on what i'm shows are going to be great. Dan's new stuff is unbelievable. I'm working hard on what I'm hoping is going to be the best show I've put together so far. Come and watch it. You'll enjoy it more if you let it be what it's meant to be. Can't, you know, can't wait.

I'm going to be doing some massive dates on the tour. I'm going to be playing Donny Dome, Real. I've got one date in China, in Chongqing. Yeah. You're doing Chongqing? Yeah, I'm doing theongqing yeah yeah i'm doing the how many i'm doing the chongqing echo and what's the capacity i i've not we're not we've not brokered the deal yet but it's gonna sell pretty well a couple of hundred thousand yeah maybe yeah yeah yeah the echo arena in chongqing yeah do you know what we've been asked a lot this week

just on the subject of capacity so we've just we've just done a thousand seater venue in liverpool essentially right i think we did a 700 seat venue and put a thousand people in it yeah and then sweat much oh my god it was a patreon only show that you know we could have sold two or three times over on a sunday in the middle of a pandemic and we've worked out we would you know if we every patreon bought a plus one we'd need an currently need 11 400 seats right and that's without the people who would come to the live shows who just listen to the public ones so people have been asking what's next and what's the goal what's the dream now i'm telling you now, I want us to do a live show

and put a stage on the centre circle of Anfield. Can't it be neutral? What? Can't it be a neutral ground? The Bernabeu? Madrid? Yeah? No.

It's got to be in Liverpool and it's not going to be Goodison. Great option. Why is it not going to be Goodison? Great second option. Because we can't crowd here for Goodison. It'll fall down. Has it got enough plugs, Goodison,

to get all the audio equipment? Probably not, no. It's got one by the other goal. You just plug the big screen in. It's just a big sound. You haven't done plugging. Lads, are you done with your charger? I need to go.

Yeah, I reckon we can genuinely in a few years sell Anfield no no you're a silly person why would you not want it you're jumping I've just mentioned the echo

what about the echo yeah that's on the way to Anfield that's on the way to Anfield we'll do the tall warm. We'll do the... We'll do the tall warm-up. We'll do the tall warm-up at the arena. Yeah. We'll do...

In the British summer... The Hawthorns. The Hawthorns? West Bromwich. In West Bromwich, how are you? Yeah. Right. Why West Bromwich?

It's just on the way, innit? On the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the way. There's a lot of Wolverhampton fans. Have a weird stadium tour we'll do Anfield

what the Hawthorns what Goodison gotta do Goodison for me St Mary's what what do you mean

what we're doubling it up in one night yeah Anfield and Goodison Kane Brown opens Goodison and closes Anfield and then the Bernabeu or the Manacanal actually yeah we're really big in south america

can say people do you not think it's possible it's possible if things go so so so well for you and you don't get shot by an Asian taxi driver that you could get big enough that your like homecoming suck my dick gig could be at Anfield

because you're mental and you want it in the round in the fucking rain on the pitch as well I mean as well as the stands yeah

how many do you reckon that'd be 60 about 75,000 75 as well as the stands yeah how many do you reckon that'd be 60 about 75,000 75 you too Adam Rose you can suck my dick stadium tour

that's what it'd be called us two he wouldn't have the dates he wouldn't have the dates of the tour he'd have all the people that he ate suck my dick

you know who you are I feel dick no we're just secret Sunday not telling anyone where it is or when and I'm just on the date I don't feel

secret Sunday I don't feel the thing is we're joking but I don't like it's good though what happened I just need 18 months

I genuinely think a podcast live show in five years time 2026 could sell out Samfield and I'm not look at me face

this isn't bullshit bell time I'm not messing all our listeners with a plus one is 100,000 right and that's now yeah

yeah yeah do you know after Sunday I was thinking I was like we need more people here And that's now? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know, after Sunday, I was thinking, I was like, we need more people here. We need more people.

You know when I was crowd surfing on Lids? I was like, you know what this gig needs? More punters. Definitely more punters. Less air con and more punters. 75,000 people. Right.

Then you can crowd surf. Yeah. Crowd surf home yeah I'd jump off the centre circle stage that we've got put in in the round and I'd get

taken all the way up to the back of the car I'd jump off the main stand it's exciting I think it's possible

I genuinely think it's possible I'll genuinely think it's possible. I'll be judging. We've just done 1,000 18 months in on a Sunday. Imagine if it was like a Saturday night in October. No, that's it. We just did 1,000 on a Sunday. That's a Sunday.

Give it a Saturday. We'll do 56,000. No, but we could probably do, I reckon we could probably do 2 to 3,000 On a Saturday now In Liverpool Right With enough build up to it

Right So we only need to Bring your binoculars We only need to grow By like 4,000% In 5 years Right

Challenge on I'll stop making the Chong ching chong Right Let's have a Let's have a break What's happening guys Ooh

Look at your outfit Shocking. You look horrible in that. That's a shitty shirt, jumper, dress, thing, whatever that is you've got on. What you need, lad, is a fucking T-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com. You want some official Have A Wared merch?

Go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on. It's horrible. You look a joke. Don't be leaving the house like that. You want a hoodie that says rat? That's you need lad go and get it halfwaypod.com so a lot of messages because uh the comedy industry lost a great this week didn't it absolutely mr sean lockke is gone not only

what a kicker that was do you know what was weird I messaged Sam and was like oh Sean Locke's dead and she was like oh my god he's younger than my dad and I was like well he's younger than my dad but he's also a comic who's died before he's 60 and even as a 29 year old it makes you go

he's one of us for like an hour i was like wow that's fucking awful and i sort of forgot how much i loved his work you know i think everyone did i think as a nation we all went oh god how many clips have you watched since he died? I've watched The Tiger Who Came for a Pint and The Rectum of the Year. Oh, my God. I beat Fern Cotton. Maradona.

No, Maradona to me, I think, like being really, really overly critical, I think that's sort of like an obvious one. He's in south america and it's right i beat fayne cotton in rectum of the year where he's shitting to the point people are being sick happy fayne cotton i think is one of the funniest lines i've ever heard in any bullshit bit he'd have been unbelievable on this god yeah um they got a chance to he he was so creative like when you watch an eight out of ten cats a lot of those starters they've had before they've been prepped on it sometimes i i watch this back um and sometimes we we miss open goals all the time

i mean particularly on monday when we recorded the patron exclusive, after one of the heaviest nights of my recent life, that turned a Disney film into porn. People have been commenting like, guys, guys, guys, because we were like, but that's because we genuinely don't prep that stuff. And it works for this pod.

Obviously it works. It's what we've been doing sean lock was both amazing at that slightly prepared stuff where it's not scripted like his material but he's just been given a few days to like when he like sean how do you think you could like would be described and he was like oh i don't think you could use words i'm more of a an idea or a smell a smell i'm like a fragrance yeah like if he's just had time to write that stuff not only is he lightning quick or was lightning quick when he was fucking around like what we do but the beautiful like a what did he say like like wet tarmac and or a vet's flannel yeah mate it's those

simple lovely throwaway lines. And you know how someone's good at that? You're making other legendary comics piss themselves. Not just like, oh yeah, fair play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like other legends going, jeez. Claude the Pen is one of my favourite TV bits ever. I watch it regularly.

I love it so much. And when Jimmy's laughing normally, like he's not doing that fucking weird laugh, and he's crying laughing. Yeah. Miles Jupp holds his own in that little clip, doesn't he? Yeah.

I won't spit on you when we're having sex. Sean's just kind of laughing, not to spit on one of our guests. I never went to see him on a tour. I just saw him at that time at Altitude and I love this stand up but I think in those clips

you see the real genius of the man and I sort of I get that because some of the bits of comedy I'm most proud of we've done on here I'm not speaking for Sean Locke maybe he preferred doing stand-up i know he bitched about doing countdown quite a lot yeah fucking him whinging about that is hilarious

um but uh i never loved this i never he wasn't one of my favorite stand-ups have you did you see him live i'd never seen him live i did like his stand-up finleylay saw him laugh. Did you? Yeah. I did like his stand-up, but I think, as a panel show guest, I think he's probably the best to have done it. He's as funny as anyone on those panels.

Yeah, and Grumpy Old Man, I think, is very easily done. I've seen Grumpy Old Man done a lot. We've talked about it. We've seen it done on the circuit.

We've seen Grumpy Old Man done by young, quite good-looking men, and it doesn't half not, it just on the circuit. We've seen Grumpy Old Man done by young, quite good-looking men, and it doesn't half not. It just doesn't work. But he did Grumpy Old Man without ever being... He did it with creativity and flair and almost, like, charm. Like, I don't know.

It's really difficult to describe. Someone being a miserable cunt while being really creative and playful it's quite a clever thing to to get right um and i i just go back to that time i met him in altitude which i tweeted about but and um if you i don't know i feel like we put a little clip out but that's the only time i met him and i met him and bill bailey on the transit from munich airport to altitude festival which is like a key and ski and comedy festival this hasn't been i haven't told this story for a while so if you're an og listener and you've done a lot you'll have heard me talk about this but if you knew i basically got booked on altitude i think you're doing it next year aren't you yeah and they sort out the transport and whoever's landing at the same time will get it get put in the same transport

i got told that i'd be with two other comics in a minivan and then the day before got told that uh one of those comics will be bill bailey and so i was waiting at the bar the guy who is running the transport driving the minivan, was like, yeah, Sean Locke's going to be here in a bit. So I just got off the throne. I'm kind of excited that I'm going to be with Bill Bailey. And they're like, yeah, Bill's coming in a little bit later. Sean's just getting his bag.

I was like, right. So you're like, oh, God, I'm going to meet two famous people. And I don't know what you're like with this. We've talked about meeting our heroes in comedy. Not that these are two of my out and out like we've done the mount rushmore of comedy and everything these aren't two of the people that like i would go weird with yeah but bill bailey and sean lock are fucking legends like uk comedy stand-up legends. And it made me go, oh, Sean Lock and Bill Bailey in one minivan.

And then I had this little, just like little slither of fear of like, oh, I hope they're not cunts. Yeah, I always get that. That's a big, whenever I'm meeting someone like that, and it normally happens in Edinburgh for me or occasionally in London, but you meet someone big.

And I remember when I met Mickey Flanagan we've got the same representation and he was sat with my agent in the abattoir bar and uh I just went over and spoke to Christian and he's like have you met Mickey before and I was like no and he said let me introduce you so he said Mickey this is one of my newer clients Adam um he's a working class lad from Liverpoolpool blah blah blah and i went nice to meet him as well and christian actually sorted me some tickets out to come and see you in the echo arena and he went where the fuck's that one then they all fucking echo it's pretty fucking good that was just a that sounds a bit sound and funny and then spoke for

a couple of minutes and then i just went and got i wasn't in there to Christy and I was there to go and have a drink with a load of comics and they just happened to be there. And the thing is, comics who don't give a shit about that, there's something wrong there because Mickey Flanagan doesn't need to be nice to anyone really, does he? And I know you're on the same roster, but he doesn't have to be sound and everything, but he also does know how important you as a comic on that roster less

experienced younger how important that meeting him is and and the bigger more famous comics that can be asked just being decent humans because we've talked about a few that haven't we're not named them directly or whatever but when they're not it it's just so cunty because the newer act the younger less experienced act will remember that for a long time and it's a so cunty because the newer act the younger less experienced act will remember that for a long time and it's a kicker um ross noble was amazing to me when i was starting out when he was one of my favorite acts and it was really big first comic i've ever seen i have he he was so sound it was almost like we'd started out together you're like i am just some cunt that you met on this bill.

Like, I got a tap on the shoulder when I was having a beer at Munich Airport, the bar, and it was Sean Locke. And he just went, all right, Dan, Dan. Went, all right, we've got 20 minutes. I'll have a beer. Got himself a beer. And we chatted like, like you just got to a green room early and you were on the build together.

You'd not met, but I'm opening or emceeing and he's closing. That was the tone of the conversation and it never changed. Bill Bailey turned up and they were obviously best mates from back in the day. Now I found out this week

that they actually were Bezos, but I could have told you that from that transit. They were just like old mates. Never once on that two, three hour journey did I feel like I was less important to Sean than Bill. Bill Bailey travels with two roadies, who at first I thought they were in his band, and then I was like, yeah, but Bill Bailey doesn't have a band.

He's got so much equipment, which is one of the most amazing things you can see live is Bill Bailey on form. But he has so much kit. He's got two roadies. All of us were in this van with some driver who works for Altitude Festival. And then we stopped very early at a service station

just outside Munich. It's cold. It's pissing it down. And Bill Bailey wandering around that service station was so funny because one of his tour guys is obviously like borderline babysitter just keeps him on a lead because he's such a man child and he's got a fucking credit card he came back in with an assortment of crisps pop like hats toys he's like a fucking dinosaur and then sean lock whipped out so i think i'm gonna need one of them right yeah yeah yeah probably me isn't it right it's kind of yeah you've got to keep the credit card you're just

as bad as me yeah sean lock whipped out a bottle of peach schnapps quite strong schnapps and we just got gently hammered all the way into the mountains and he was talking about Chelsea he was a big Chelsea fan Bill Bale it's just so funny and I was just trying I was asking a few questions

without ever doing the like you know what it's like as a comic you're like don't be too much of a fangirl yeah don't be a geek but I also I like a little bit of the history of stand-up I like don't be too much of a fangirl. Yeah. Don't be a geek. But I also, I like a little bit of the history of standup.

I like, if you talk to comics about when they started out and who they started with and who were their heroes when they started out, I'm telling you now, as if you were a younger comic, if you want to not be hack in comic conversation, get comics, however old they are,

starting to talk about their first six months a year in stand-up because it doesn't get talked about by journalists it doesn't get talked about in dressing rooms loads but comics love remembering the fucking morons that they first did open spots with and the people who they looked up to who have now been forgotten so that's what I asked Sean about. And I said in the tweet, you can judge a lot. We've said it many a time on here. You can judge a lot by how comics treat younger comics.

And Sean was so nice to me. They bumped onto me, it bumped into me in the cafe on the mountain skiing. I was skiing on my own because I didn't know loads of people and they were skiing together. And again, came straight over. All right, Dan, all right. Fucking sat and had some fucking chips with me and um like i don't know the guy and i've seen him work obviously like we've all done with the clips and

everything but i i really mean that like in terms of the kind of bloke he was that was so sound that whole journey and i think the outpouring of love this week has not just been from his fans um it's been from the people who who knew him and had worked with him and i really did like i got a little bit emotional when he died just because i've lost people to cancer and laura's dad is suffering and he's it's not good and we are sort of in the middle of suffering and it's not good. And we are sort of in the middle of that. And it causes a lot of strain on my wife and everything. But also I just thought of like,

it made me think about starting out and all your really close mates in standup. And I know his family have had their heart ripped out, but I also thought about Bill Bailey because yeah because he's lost his oldest best mate even like the sort of there's been a lot of tributes from circuit comics who were obviously the people you're talking about the ones that you would never think oh they're good mates with Sean Lough I seen like Andre Vincent it was like I started with Sean and he's a great great major man and we haven't seen each other for a couple of years dave johns who's had a bit of success in recent years from acting and being in films and stuff but these are the people that you don't know about

that start they're not famous famous they're not bill bailey and they're not jimmy carr who's obviously going to be devastated and john richardson and jason manford these are sacred comics who are really good and have earned the living from comedy for a long time who started with this man and considered him

a really good mate and... I just... I thought about like what if Adam went or whatever it's more like the guys you've known

from Gig Dot it is a special bond of like a love in it. Who are the first three names in your head like who are the three you started with if you had to pick three randomly you it it's if i talk about the very very first gigs yeah it's jason cook and jason and i have drifted we're not as close as we were. He's gone on to have a lot of success.

We see each other. We're old friends. When I did my very first podcast four or five years ago, went round to his house. I was at his wedding. But we've drifted as mates. But Jason's one of the first names I think of. John Cooper is a name that I don't know

if we've ever even brought up on this podcast. He's a guy that does graphic design and a bit of stand-up but we did our very first gigs together and when i see him sometimes he comes on a christmas drink in manchester a guy could be with you and carl and john cooper would be as important to me on that night out because i hardly see him but because we did our like first second third gigs but barry is my barry's my oldest mate in stand-up from gig dot and i thought about that like journey up into the hills and i thought about bill and sean how their careers have gone together and i choked up and had to ring barry because i was like coarse families families, wives, children, their whole world's been just decimated.

But I was like, you sort of don't think about that. Oh, but not the Bezos from school, not your family and friends that you know from life. I'm talking about your old band of brothers who you started with. And I had to ring Barry and I got a bit choked and I wasn't going to tweet that. And Barry was like, tweet it, mate,

because you've met him and it's a it's a thing and like i don't know you work with people like me and adam have worked intensely for two years there'll be a time that we look back on this and be like like this given enough time we will romanticize this few years of our life and i just those guys that you start you've talked about them like rob thomas is the most annoying cunt online in the world he's actually a bit of a teddy bear and he was there on sunday freddy freddy's fucking freddy inny but he was there on sunday to not just sharing our success but yours and those guys are especially important oh they're really good mates like rob started a few months after me and freddy I wasn't really good mates with until a few years ago. The three I believe,

the lads I started with, the three names that my brain goes to is Brennan Rees, Pete Otway and Lewis Calver. I knew you were going to say Lewis Calver. And Lewis came to... Lewis over Tony, yeah?

What? Lewis over Tony. Yeah, because Tony started the boss a year after us. Oh, did he, yeah? My first few gigs, even out of town, were with Lewis.

We used to get to train together. We'd share lifts together. Like, my second ever gig was at Beat the Frog Preston and me and Pete Hartway joint won it and Lewis was at the gig.

And then, like, Brennan was doing Hot Water and the Manchester Frog and then there's other people who were sort of around at the same time that I'm not quite as close with, like Steve Begea and Pete Philipson

and Lewis Charlesworth. And I remember those as being the guys that were on every Open Mic Night, every gong show. They were there. Jay Edwards. Jay Edwards. But the three that I, in my head,

started with are Lewis Calvert, Brennan Rees and P.S. And people go, oh, it's great with your podcast, how you're best mates. Hey, we are now. Yeah. We are now because of this. Yeah.

But we weren't. Me and Adam have always gotten well, but there was a time when I remember him doing his very first gigs and I thought I was the fucking bees knees headliner compere, just got on TV. When you started out,

I'd just got on TV for the first time. I was like, who's this cocky fucking scouser? And I liked him because he was cocky, but, mate, it's only in the last two or three, four years. And the weird thing is, without sounding like an arsehole, you can never totally be Bezos. Maybe there's a few exceptions, unless you totally respect someone.

Yeah, if you see each other as a PR. You've got, and that only happened for me three or four years ago. I've been like a fan of what Adam does for a long time, but we're not best mates like that. We are now, but the people you started out with, it's such a strong, it's almost like a comedy sibling bond.

And if I lost Barry, you wouldn't be seeing me for an episode like i i can like like i'd lost a brother and i and i know like for those names like yeah it's brennan's been on but it's it runs really deep and my heart went out to all of uh all the people that have lost sean but the people that weren't getting mentioned are like the guys who will just be heartbroken because they've lost one of their fucking boys. Anyway, good guy. We were trying to sort of think of a way to sort of pay some sort of tribute to Sean. And we've ended up doing it anyway.

But one of his most infamous clips is the carrot in the box. So I asked Carl Stey to bring two boxes and a carrot, and he couldn't find a carrot, so he's brought a courgette so uh the idea of the game we've not nicked it it's a different game isn't it it's courgette in a box isn't it yeah see you in court and you've got two boxes though mate yes that'd be great if there were two bags we're not playing a carrot in a box we're playing courgette in a bag so So the idea of the game is I'm going to look in my box and then I've got to try and bluff to either make you swap or not swap. And the idea is I'm trying to end up with the courgette and so are you.

And that's the concept, isn't it? Yeah. And if you haven't seen Carrots in the Box with Sean Lough, go just pause this podcast here and search Carrots in the Box Sean Lough and then Google and then search Kaders in the Box Schoenloch and then Google and then search Kaders in the Box the rematch

which I'd never seen oh I've not seen a rematch there's a rematch on can we pause this it's a it's it's fucking brilliant and

he won both I'm not going to ruin the rematch right you should watch it though I'm not I'm ruin the rematch. Right. You should watch it, though. I'm not... Yeah. He won the first one, and it's phenomenal. There's certain things I love about working with Adam.

And, like, there's so many attributes, running a business with him, that so help me, because I'm, like, a bit like... I can be a bit... And then there's other times where I try and be diplomatic. Like, there are other times when I'm like a bit like, I can be a bit, and then there's other times where I try and be diplomatic. Like, there are other times when I'm like, I do not trust that I can fucking get one over on you here. Like, this is not an easy one

because he is such a phenomenal bullshitter. As we've seen, we have to have this in the room because of the amount of bullshit. It became a game to go, is it real? Is it not? I'm going into this as the underdog. Is that fair to say? Yeah.

Yeah. Can you look the other way while he looks in his box, please? All right. Don't make any sounds. Don't be like, wow. They're slidey boxes, okay? They're not... What?

You have to slide the box off. I don't know my way around a Yeezy box. Just saying. Yeezy's a trainer, isn't he? Yes. Can you push the end in there, Adam? On the bottom. There you go.

He's locked down. Is he locked? He's aware. I'm not allowed to touch it. You're not allowed to touch the box because of weight look at his face what are you going to do

do you want to do you want to ask me what I want to do you want to swap I think I don't know what do you want to swap? I think. I don't know. What do you want to do?

Well, if we swap, then you're going to win. Right. So I should probably keep my box. Right. So now, the reasoning is, so I should probably keep my box right so now the reasoning is if he's giving me that first read

and he's being honest and he's saying alright if I swap you're gonna win the first read is like hang on he's a bluff.

But that's too easy, isn't it? What is it? Yeah, all right. So it's maybe he's just not bluffing. So the first read of like, no, I wouldn't want to swap because then I'd win means that that carrot is in there. The courgette is in there. The courgette, channel four.

Fuck off. There's a courgette in that box yeah yeah yeah yeah so because you were honest then i'm gonna be like ah it's a bluff the courgette's in here but that's too simple so the court for me the courgette is in that box, but then maybe he knows that I'm going to go double bluff. I hate you. Do you know what? Everything I just said,

it was really like misty eyed and like, Oh, one day we'll look back. This isn't the bit that I'll remember and enjoy. Courgette in a box can suck my ball. Is there definitely a courgette in either of them? Are you just taking the piss? Is it like an onion?

Like an onion? No, you're having a can, aren't you? There's definitely a courgette in one of the boxes. It's in that one because I've seen it. Yeah. Yeah. There's a courgette in that box. There's a courgette in that box.'s a cause yet in that box have you seen the

cause yet what have you seen the cause yet it's about does it exist yeah didn't you just get it out before i don't know why are you fucking with me that's not part of the cause yet game don't you and you're in my ears it feels like my internal monologue's annoying. I'm going to have to rush you for an answer here. You're taking too long. Is this taking too long? Yeah. Oh, soz.

Do you want to swap or do you want to not swap? I... So go through it again. What would be more painful, Dan? Giving him the cause yet or him having it? Right. Right. right this is my worry I think you're saying

oh yeah the courgette's in here yeah yeah which is making me go well then I should definitely swap so I win yeah

that's just that's too He's sticking or twisting. I think he's I think there's a treble bluff going on. Right.

I think it's in here. Make your decision. If I'm overestimating his intelligence I'm annoyedestimating his intelligence I'm annoyed

oh no no I couldn't swap that means we definitely swap who checks then who checks well I'm saying I think it's in here so you check

yeah are you oh no it's in there isn't it other way which way it's facing you it's in there isn't it other way which way it's facing you it's facing you yeah

take it back I won't miss you you can't can you just prove Adam that the courgette prove that the courgette is in your box I want it for Sophie

and for Rosie prove the courgette is in your box. I want it for Sophie and for Rosie. Prove the courgette's in your box. There it is. That's disgusting. Mate, last night me and Laura talked about dicks. Should I give you a little chonging on your dick? Oh, oh, oh, by the way, is this a public episode? Oh, yeah, it is.

It's well into it, isn't it? You know, on Monday, I got that email from that lady who was like, Dan, you're one of the people on my, like, hall pass list with my partner. Would you fancy having sex and does Laura want to join in? Yeah. If you are not a member, if you're not signed up to our patron on monday morning when we're all hanging out of our ass i was literally after two hours of the sketchy sleep after some fucking south american supplements kept me awake i got an email going you know i your my partner said that I can bonk certain celebrities basically offered me and Laura

a bonk showed Laura, I thought I'm not hiding it from her I'm going to tell her Laura wasn't annoyed, she actually asked to see a picture I don't know if she was just being nosy or if she was intrigued, because the girl actually described herself like, I'm this tall, I weigh

this much, these are my eye size, whatever my eye size? did you i say my eyesight this is my eye size i've got fucking massive eyes yeah is that did you mean yeah massive set of pupils yeah boobs no two school pupils on it yeah she carries two year threes in her bra um on it yeah she carries two year threes in her bra erm

stay clear of it sounds like a lunatic what a massive pair of children I'd like to lick her kids and I think Laura

got a bit sort of revved up and competitive yeah yeah because on no on Monday night came in and did a bit sort of revved up and competitive. Yeah? Yeah. Because on Monday night, came in and did a bit of all fucking track and field.

Wanked you off? Oh, it was amazing. She wanked you off? We've got some Millennium Lube. Oh, it was pro level. Phenomenal. Did she put it in her mouth? On the couch?

No, it was just a... Oh. What? Boring. What? Phenomenal. Did she put it in her mouth? On the couch? No, it was just a... No. Oh. What? Boring. What? What was her time? I never want a handjob off a woman. They're really bad at it.

What was her time? Anyone? He said handjob. Come on, guys. If he says it wrong... Handjob. He said it wrong. He said it wrong.

I never want a handjob off a woman. Do you not know? Look at you holding that. I don't want to be wanked off by any women. Either put it in your mouth, put it in your pussy, put it in your arse or fuck off. You think you're playing Anfield? You're playing Anfield, aren't you?

What was her time? What was her PB? Oh, it was great. It was great. It was just all like i'll come tonight like in the spare room she came in got the old like a service oh yeah you know what do you know what she's doing to you lad she's treating you like a prisoner of war right do you know when like you know in homeland yeah right when yeah it's just like homeland yeah it is though yeah i'll

justify exactly what I'm saying. She's Al-Qaeda. Yeah. She's ISIS of the puss-puss. She is. Do you know what she's done to you? Yeah. Right?

So, in like Homeland, like Brody gets taken by the terrorist, don't he? And he's put in a fucking hole for years. Years. Abused. Battered. Beat the shit out of him. Like, fucked. I decorated the spare room. Go on. Right? He's battered, the shit out of him like whole fucked i decorated the spare room right he's he's battered bruised fucked and then he ends up sort of indoctrinated with them spoilers

because they show him just basic human kindness and they're like hey i'll have a bath and an haircut what she's done to you stockholm syndrome she's took the pussy in the bumhole away she's took the mouth away and now she's got you to the point where you're grateful for a handy. She's treating you like an absolute

sergeant. Just public episode. I love that woman and forgot that I was telling Adam all of the information. I want all the time. Babe,

you are going to watch this and I just want to know You're not Al-Qaeda to me You are not You're not my Al-Qaeda Was it sub a minute? Oh it was amazing No was it sub one minute?

Two minutes? Got the techers mate Five minutes? She was like I've asked her to go to the gym Do all upper body Just on one side Was it quick?

I was hungover as well So it felt Oh long Super No no not long It just felt super good Right Yeah Nice that Oh it was great Just because I think she got a bit competitive I was hungover as well. So it felt super... No, no, not long. It just felt super good. Right.

Yeah. Nice, that. Oh, it was great. Just because I think she got a bit competitive. You don't email my man asking for a threesome. Chuck and Field. Anyway, that's night. She's the ISIS of sex.

Well, turns out I negotiate with terrorists. Could you imagine if the Taliban locked you up in a safe house and then came off and like you tell us everything we know and you're like

no right get the millennium lube this could do some damage to a person so we had we had a conversation last night

you know because OnlyFans is fucking off the explicit sex stuff from their site you can't like brutally fist anyone on OnlyFans is fucking off the explicit sex stuff from their site you can't like brutally fist anyone on OnlyFans anymore right okay well that's the end of your subscriptions isn't it

and so on Twitter it's trending, Patreon started trending which obviously got my interest because a lot of people, I love it on Twitter oh I'll make this joke then and everyone made the joke about OnlyFans taking away sex is like Patreon taking away podcasts. So Patreon

started trending. So I looked on the trending subject of Patreon. Turns out a lot of people use Twitter to draw anime porn, fucking porn, and be like, oh, if you want more, check out my Patreon. Like, who the fuck is signing up for Patreon with, like, wizards

fucking elves with massive dicks? I'm not joking. All of them were colossal, veiny knobs, and it made me go to Laura, what's the biggest dick you've ever seen? And she took a minute, and you know when someone's eyes cloud over. I, it was my fault. I sent her there. She just like, it literally just went. She told me about a guy called Gary who was hung like a horse. That she fucked.

That she banged. And you know, when you're in a conversation, you're going, why are we talking about Gary and his big dick that fucked my wife back in, what,

I don't know, 12 years ago. The answer, without even thinking is you no but like what eat no yeah but she could just that's yeah that's the answer in a car come on i'm 40 years old it's not my first small dick rodeo you Quite. I know. Is there a helicopter? Go on, You won't be able to hear this on the microphone, but there is a helicopter coming in.

I hope it's Al-Qaeda, because I'd love two wanks in a week. That'd be amazing. I just never want to, in my head, my missus has never fucked anyone. She has though. Yeah,

I know she has. Grow the fuck up. Why? Why have I got to grow up has. Grow the fuck up. Why? Why have I got to grow up? He took that really badly. Why? Why have I got to grow up? I'm tired.

I don't want to grow up. Yeah. I want to lie down. She's had my dick, my tongue, my fingers, and nothing else. You're a cozier.

I just don't want to, I just don't. La la la. Yeah, yeah. La la la. I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to know.

Yeah, to be fair, I didn't want to know about Gary. Have I told you? Give me the dick. Adam, give me the dick. You don't fucking... Just because you guessed it was in there, you don't get to hog the dick. For the audio listeners, Adam's holding a dick.

Gary's our first guest. No. I had something to say there. Go on, sorry. Do you know, it was Sam and Dick. Sam and Dick's. Sam's never been fingered. Yeah, do you know like how, do you know like how,

it's like common for like people when they start seeing someone to look, like particularly with girls, girls will look at the lad's ex-boyfriends like Facebook or Instagram and stuff. I never want to put a face through the dick, so I would never do that. Oh, yeah? I don't want to see pictures of Laura and Gary together with her going, oh, that hurts.

I don't need to see, I don't need to put a face or a bruise to the dick. I just, we've been married for five or six years. Put a definite number on that. Call it five. We've been married for five or six years put a definite number on that call it five we've been together seven I love the woman she's my best mate whatever

she's not going anywhere I know that she's tied to this 4.2 inches for life but I I just I'm at that point where I am not going to get jealous

about past dicks oh I've been sat here for five minutes trying to think of a pun on like terrorism she's taliban you from the pussy press the button how could you be that excited about that i literally thought you just remembered the

biggest dick from one of your exes' history, and it was a fucking pun. Yeah. You're Taliban from here, pussy. Have you never... Listen, I don't want to ask about the number of people people have slept with. You don't need...

But I really... I just wanted to know. And at one point, Laura was like, oh, I don't... She went, oh, I don't know. It was big. I was like, what? John.

It's like, who the fuck is this guy? Gary's in the Paralympics with three legs. Jesus Christ. That wouldn't be the Paralympics. That's an advantage, surely. In what sport? In what sport? You've got three legs.

In what sport? Swimming. Yeah, that's true. Like a propeller. Yeah. An extra kick. You go faster. An extra kick.

Yeah. It's also extra weight isn't it yeah he's got a very dexterous dick hasn't he that he can go

forwards and back direction floppy three legs right yeah three legs will be an advantage you won the Paralympics

you'd be in like the Super Olympics which is like the week before the main one the high jump no that's not there isn't a

super yeah there isn't a Super Olympics there would be if there was people with three legs not hanging around no there's just

the Olympics yeah do you reckon they'd be in the Paralympics or the Super Olympics, is there? There would be if there was people with three legs not having a hand. No, there's just the Olympics. Yeah? Do you reckon they'd be in the Paralympics or the Super Olympics? Three legs. Right. The Super Olympics? No, they'd just be in the Olympics. You all can't get banned for having an extra leg.

Same question. Are they like have a line robbing or are they in a straight line? No, it's like three. Just like another leg in the middle of your two legs. Right. And you can run faster. Makes your swimming costume difficult doesn't it

get a custom made yeah good point not a bad good point oh yeah I look stupid someone will make

it for you if you ask them pay enough wouldn't be that difficult I'd rather have a leg up my back like my arse

oh yeah you can like sit down oh yeah just like lean back like a tripod are we paying for stadiums here yeah the Grand Prix I'd rather have a leg up my back Like my arse Oh yeah You could like sit down Oh yeah Lean back Like a tripod Are we paying for stadiums here? Yeah

The Grand Prix Yeah Just thought of somewhere where there was Non-seats and seats Good banter But it would be an advantage wouldn't it? The same as having like 12 arms No

In what sport? Swimming Or boxing Boxing definitely So you're telling me Right In what sport? Swimming? Or boxing? Boxing, definitely. So you're telling me... Right, no, you're telling me that there's no Super Olympics and that you can't be banned.

So you're telling me if, like, some mutation happens, let's say someone gets pregnant in Chernobyl and, like, something happens and she shits the baby out... Oh, it's in Chernobyl? Oh, yeah, they'll be allowed in. I'm here with my friend she just got

pregnant there so like the the radio activity did something to the spunk and then she's gone home back to from where's she from gone away has she she was on holiday in chernobyl from where she where's she from milton keynes she's from milton keynes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ukraine yeah so they've gone away for a romantic weekend to Chernobyl, got pregnant. Or Hiroshima, wherever you want. Hiroshima's fine. Hiroshima's normal. Yeah.

Chernobyl then? Plus there isn't a Novotel at Chernobyl, so. Well, she's staying in Kiev and she's gone on a date trip. But she's been there. She's got radioactive spunk in her. She's gone home and a fella's

been born with 12 arms you're telling me they're going to put him in against a normal boxer he punched

their fucking head in can anyone else say Vishnu I can just say the many arms of Vishnu take that

you fucking prick 42 pounds they're going to ban him aren't they I can't be stealing from you these are my two hands as he releases the handbrake takes adam's wallet scratches his balls

picks his nose and weighs out how big gary's dick was they're not gonna let him in the olympics and they definitely can't go into paralympics you can't have 12 arms be pumping punching the shit out of someone in a wheelchair yeah i don't think't think extra limbs is going to be a big help. I know what you think. They're going to be all, if they're all strong, and is it dexterous? It is dexterous. Yeah, that's an advantage. But that's not how freak extra...

That's not how birth defects work, is it? It's not like you get, fucking, this is great. Because when you're opening a fucking jar, really... Has a woman ever got pregnant via radioactive spunk for you to know scientifically that what you're saying is true? Well, you don't know for a fact that it hasn't happened, that it couldn't happen, so fuck you. How would he wear T-shirts as well?

What? Custom-made. Right, oh, yeah. Custom-made. 12-arm t-shirts custom made t-shirt a great wank wasn't it like the matrix

tickle both balls and the inside oh my god I'll make the tea 12 hands you could fucking double finger bang quadruple wank

and then hold yourself down for the yeah you could fucking double finger bang, quadruple wank, and then hold yourself down. You could probably win. While looking through the index catalogue. In boxing, whilst fisting several women and having to wank yourself. I mean, it was a less gentle version of what I did, isn't it? Mine included the index catalogue. Yours included fisting.

Afraid you won't be able to see that on Adam's OnlyFans. Several women in the ring? Several women. I mean, the boxing ring. Because Bob Hall's ring is out. Two rings. The boxing ring and the sphincter. Pissed off about the cause yet.

No, he shouldn't. That was absolute ring-based gold. Was it? Literally Because he got gold For fighting at the ring And fist and rings Call him Sonner Because he's getting

So many gold rings Cup cup What's happening guys It's sponsor time As always And this week It's parcelstation.co.uk if you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your customers you might be able to save a

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That's how adverts work. We appreciate you. Now let's get back to the episode. Wag wag. Do you know before when you said, Adam, give me the dick? Do you know how hard I had to resist to say

I'm just like your mother? Still had to say it though didn't he? He had to resist for a break and then you're like nah I can't do it. No but now I feel like

you know I've still got to say me joke and I deserve credit for being a good person. You going to give him that credit? Given. I love giving him that credit. You love talking about my mum. She's dead.

If you've not, if this is your first episode, she died. Was it horrible? Yes Does he love doing dick jokes with my mum? Yes Vittoria Angeloni's here It's me bitch

Talking about motherfuckers Do you think you're old enough for people to like Assume that your mum's dead when they meet you? Wow Minute one Christ Get in there when they meet you. Oh, wow. Minute one. Christ. Get in there.

Yeah, I suppose. I know what you mean there. Me mum's dead. Yeah, we saw something. Of course. It'd be impressive if she was still here. After a certain point, if you were like my mum the other day,

you'd be like, what's that? My grandad is still going. 96 next month. Is he a teen mum? I mean, he does not look like he should be going. He's got a lot of the Prince Philip going on, you know. Really?

Yeah, you know. Racism. Yeah, the racism. Would you like to make it that far? No, because I've seen that far. Yeah, I don't want to. What does he do in the day? What? What does he do in the day? He? What does he do in the day?

He literally sits in a chair. And I don't know him, but I guarantee you he sits in a chair. But what does he do? It's a sofa. No, it's a chair. He's right. What does he do then? He's got a chair that is a metre and a half away from his TV.

And there's pretty much no need for anything else around him. He's like... He sits in a chair and just watches telly all day. Yeah, you know in Friends when Chandler and Joey have the lazy boys, it's like he's doing that except Joey died.

What's he what? Oh, fucking hell. The duck's dead. Oh, he's dead. Chandler, the late, much later years. He's the first deadest. Could I be any older?

He can't. I don't know it's just basically i remember if he says could i be any older unless he dies right then and yet he could be yeah he could does he have like help thanks for pulling me up on that it was he's trying to do a bit yeah he could like he's gonna keep living does he have help in the house or does he like no he refused it he sacked him all sick yeah yeah we set that we set that up for him

like you need help you need carers to come in and help you out oh bloody ridiculous which is how he talks like the ma from Sopranos once

oh 100% except he's not he doesn't whinge he's sound he doesn't piss and moan about it he just threatens suicide if we talk about

he just goes he just goes I'm it he just threatens suicide if we talk about he just goes i'm fine here just ring check in on me if you put me in old people's home before you come to get me to put me in old people's home i'll have killed myself it's i'm swear it's not a bit he's ruined christmas dinners with that chat oh yeah come for me I'll have sorted myself out and then he went I've been stockpiling pills pills

yeah yeah yeah mate if you threaten an old people's home or my grandad he's basically saved away so many painkillers that he will go

Jim Morrison in front of like the snooker and then we will literally and literally he will die, his death channel will be just him going fucking not putting me in there, good on him

other things that will make him kill himself Sky Sports not working that would be the end of him if someone deleted all his time team he'd be absolutely heartbroken he's not learnt my son's name, but if you delete Tony Robinson and Time Team, fucking hell, he'll be in the cupboards for his supply.

So is he sort of able to sort of get off and make himself a cup of tea and stuff? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's still functioning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he on a Zemmer frame or just walking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, honestly, if some... This is so so real I'm so glad he's not

got to watch this he's asked to see the pod a few times I've mentioned it he's like oh I'd like to see it no it's pretty slow but he's fine he's 96 and he's all there his mates from the golf club pick him up twice a week and drive him to the golf club

he has a couple of pints and then they drive him back 96 a couple of pints he got they drive him back that's so sick 96 a couple of pints he got his car taken off him two years ago because he reversed into a bus

only two only two years ago so you know that couple of pints he was still having them he was just driving himself home is it round the corner

no he lives a few villages away from the golf club like it's like it's maybe a 10-15 minute drive past schools and he was 94 being like oh a couple of bites bitter it's only bitter and then driving home and everyone was like that's definitely not safe and he got himself in a weird

spot driving and then went oh this is wrong and reversed into a bus and then everyone was like i think you might need to lose the driving license he's so sound he's so into his sport his cricket he was into the euros two years ago when england did well in the cricket i watched it so that we could have something to talk about and i went to his house to watch the final wasn't that like the best game of cricket that's ever happened the whole tournament was great i think we lost like a game or two but he's been playing cricket since he was a kid in like 16 20. and uh he's he's so into it he loved the euros and he's into his football loves the premier league and he's genuinely not racist it's quite quite he voted remain he's a bit of a he's

all right he's just what's his name uh bob ro Robert Nightingale. Bob Nightingale. Sick. Yeah, man. Shout out. So he's still going. And if he goes, it will be like, if I got a phone call right now, I'd be like,

ah, fair dues. Yeah. Because how long can he keep going? His eyelids have stopped working. Yeah. He's so old. He's still going, but his eyelids are like...

Did you just lick them? Mate, we are... Sellotaped up. My sister's like, I'm really's still going but his eyelids are like we are sellotaped up my sister's like i'm really struggling to look at his eyelid taking a muscle out of his thigh i've heard i think he'll make a hundred i don't know just does he want to make is it like a thing that he has he mentioned like a hundred I want to do a hundred Yeah As a cricket fan You'd think he'd want to Hit that century

What can he do With the letter from the queen You know when she writes him A letter and she's like Oh well in No one down He'd wave his arse What does it say in the letter

What does it say in the letter You're a hundred Fair play Well in Well in Have a good one Here's a tenner Have a drink on me

Yeah And you know it's from her Because she's on it She's on the tenner well in yeah have a good one yeah here's a ten and have a drink on me yeah yeah and you know it's from her because she's on it she's on the tenor go Ed go Ed get on me

and then she writes big Liz me gan p.s. the milky bars are on me I think as well like you get to 100

and I think you'd be pleased as punch with it wouldn't you I imagine he'd be quite pleased with it he's pleased if you go over and have a cup of tea with him i think he'd be quite chuffed if i got a letter from the queen if i make it to 100 which let's face it it's not on that's so unlikely but maybe you never know medical advances and all that right that's what i keep saying i'm like come on so many muscles in your eyes yeah my eyelids will be well gone and there'll be no help

on them with the robot eye but like by then like you know I I'll have like you know like maybe I do make it

and because of medical advances I'm all there and stuff and I would get someone to video me taking a poo on that telegram and I'd put it on the internet fuck the queen it probably won't on the internet. Fuck the queen.

It probably won't be the queen. Yeah. It'd be a shock if she's still alive. If you're 100 and she's still alive. Yeah, that's true. Then I'd start believing in some conspiracies, you know. Hey, Dan, when we both sat here, you're 100, I'm 111,

and she's 212. I think this is a bit fucking dodgy, this, lad. Yeah, I'll have to give you there how many patrons we've got but whole of wales 500 000 patrons um i uh i don't know what like are you seeing 100 sean not going at 58 made me go in my head i like, if I could get 75, I've not looked after myself. If I could clock 75, I think I have ragged the engine a bit. Like, I don't drink every day, but when I drink, I tend to not sleep and feel rough, like proper rough. Do you have the doctor's head to you now?

You've got 75, but if you change your ways, you'll have 85. Would you change your ways? I mean, I'm trying to change my ways daily and then like you know not doing it having kids changes that doesn't it no i'm eating worse because you you i think it's meant to change the psychology of like now you've got something to live for but at the same time they're really hard work and they knock you out and they make you want to eat biscuits so i haven't i was and he's got adam to do that as well. No, I'm not like you hold your son and you're like, I'm so in love, I really fancy some crunch creams.

How many kids have you got now? I've got two and a multi-pack of Jaffa cake. I'm saying you just... It's actually a cake, not a biscuit. All right. You just get a bit... Yeah, I was healthier before Etta was born. But yeah, you should go like,

I've got something to live for. I'm not sure that's totally worked out would i take 75 no i'd probably try and live longer but i think it would have that effect on me like i think like when i have my first kid it might just kick me into getting into like olympic level shape that i bet you a thousand pounds what's going to be your um we're going to do what's going to be your What's going to be your What sport? Shot put You're already there son

What do you mean? You have kids I'm going to get really in shape When you said Olympic level I thought we all meant very fit Adam's like I'm going to get shot put way He just gets through them out the window Yeah

You'd have to get in shot port way. He's just going to throw them out the window. Yeah. Get out. You'd have to get fatter. No, but maybe like triple jump. Oh, I don't pay a lot of money. No, I'm not saying I'm going to compete in the 100 metres. I'm saying maybe I can do a hops given a fucking woo. I love me kids. Triple jump as well. When we do the patron exclusive world record attempts i just want to see you do

a triple jump and not look like a silly fat twat imagine imagine imagine imagine and he'd have to give it to him because he's going to be an adjudicator there yeah yeah yeah yeah

world record holder we've got a guinness world record adjudicator who's willing to come to an event with us and

let us attempt someone be there as an official stampede so if we do it we invite you what are you going to try and

break i've i've been part of one of those big mass uh world record beating things as part of the biggest kazoo orchestra In the world You are

You are in the Guinness book I mean not listed It was some concert I went to And they gave everyone a kazoo on the way in So you're part of the biggest kazoo orchestra Yeah I met Angelica Who used to be on Blue Peter peter or not oh i know

angelica bell yeah and i because it was a costume thing as well i dressed up as mr monopoly so what gig was this there's was it just an attempt oh right okay yeah yeah yeah dressed up as mr monopoly they gave everyone see i don't respect that as a world record. In Belfast? No, I don't. Do you know what I mean? Because you can't. Hang on. Hang on. They went to Belfast, gave out kazoos. So it was an orchestra concert generally. It was an orchestra. But you were going down to what?

Like the fucking arena in Belfast to do? The Waterfront Hall, I think. Waterfront Hall. And you all knew, fucking sure, we're going down with a kazoo. It was all part of the plan no i think they just handed them out in the way and we were like oh sweet yeah they didn't have to bring their own kazoos oh it's asking for trouble that's how you don't break a record yeah right everyone who's over on that side 12 geeks 12 geeks oh the other fucking wee bear land i've got no respect for that as a world record because it's impossible to fail at it, isn't it?

Like, you're not attempting to break the world record. You're just going, right, how many people were at the last one? 2,000. Let's just make sure there's 2,001. Yeah. Can you just make your own world records? I think they have, like, it can't be too specific. Right.

Although, because the orchestra seems close to the line yeah because you could just do like oh so i could just be the guy with the biggest dick called adam roburn on the 11th january 92 you probably are yeah i love when they do that gonna be a big record book in it for everyone that has to do their version of that yeah but not everyone else is ringing them and asking to be put in no what's the record the biggest dick for that day? Of that name? Of that name, yeah. Record. Who's going to beat that? No one. You'd have to get a Guinness Book of World Record

tape measure out on your dick. And honestly, I don't want to see your dick, but I want to be there when someone measures your dick. That would be great. When you're trying to get hard in front of a Guinness Book of World Record person

because you get competitive and no one wants to measure it floppy, do they? No. The thing is, they'll have to add on the two inches that they took off. Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, because that's what I had when I was born on that day. No, you don't get to add two inches

just because they lobbed two inches off. You dick's your dick. Could you have, like, most golf balls? I think World Records attempts should be, like, feats of performance and stuff I mean mate 2000 Ulster children

in a hall with kazoos isn't like nothing is it how fucking we get loads of kazoo orchestras around that place well who cares

I was asked like if I tell you those 2000 children if I tell you I am the world record holder a triple jump you're like

what I'm not i don't even care what the story he's just told is one of the worst that's ever been told someone gave me a kazoo and then they counted us that's it but you know it went fucking south didn't he you can't have 2 000 kids with fucking instruments and it not into some sort of march in belfast yeah i think it's in the part of the good friday agreement yeah yeah what's the longest podcast record shut up just shut up no no but again no no listen i don't want to break that one because it's easy because you just find out whatever it is And do a minute longer Yeah

Like it's pathetic It's easy It's going to be so long 36 hours Oh we could do that Who did it? Mike Russell We could fucking do that

I'm not even joking We could do that We could yeah We absolutely could How are we not doing that? I thought it was going to be a week It's not that long No

Oh my god Let's not go to Krakow it was going to be a week. It's not that long now. Oh, my God. Let's not go to Krakow. Let's go to fucking 37 hours. We could do that. But it's pathetic. Of course we could. It's easy. Right.

The cameras wouldn't do it, though, would they? What? The cameras cut out after a second. Yes, well. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The podcast doesn't have to be the video. And you've got 106 of them as well, so.

Yeah, I've got lots. what um we should do that just just to take it off and you'll get away just to take it off rosette you get a rosette there is a google if you search in google what's the longest podcast do we get to sleep the fuck has come up at 36 hours so we all have to stay away right and victoria you're definitely coming now because you were here at the inception of it I'll bring my kazoo and I'll triple jump into my chair do you reckon we could do that? I mean

imagine our 30 he retired after 40 minutes because he was hungover how many guests would you have to have? you'd have to just have a rolling guest you'd have to have

the lunatics coming in at five Freddy we'd do that constant guests keep us on our toes but we would you have to have? You'd have to just have a rolling guest. You'd have to have the lunatics coming in at five. Freddy, do that. Constant guests, keep us on our toes. But we don't have to even be part of the whole thing, do we? No, you just have to keep the podcast going. So you could set up a little bed in Studio 2 and then have a little naps.

Yeah, we've played in the longest ever five-a-side football match. Me and Adam. With Alan Shearer and Robbie Savage. So have you not mentioned that when we're talking about world records? Because it's pathetic. It's easy to do. I outscored Alan Shearer as well. Right.

That's on my CV. I scored more goals than Alan Shearer. It's easy to do. You need to be attempting something. Can we do that? And we can have a bed in there and we can just roll it. Like the most consecutive knives stuck in a tree by throwing it from 100 yards away.

Without falling out. Right, yeah. Stuff that's hard to do rather than stuff you just have to time or count. No one can throw that far. Adam could. Give him six weeks or whatever.

I wonder what the downloads would be for the 36 hour. If we try for 37. Just timestamp it and go to the guest at 5am. Just to guess at that. But you know we've got enough diehards that would be like, I cannot miss a minute. They would stay up for 36 hours.

I reckon we should genuinely do that, you know. I don't want to do it because I won't even respect us for doing it. You could be here for an hour then if you want. Have you respected yourself every moment of have guest hosts we could have guest producers guests as long as one of us is here still have a word you are such a fucking publicity machine and you're telling me you wouldn't want to do the longest ever podcast in the world getting it proper guinness book of world records get Get that cunning to make it official. You don't see the advantage of that.

You want to throw knives at a tree. No, I see. I see the advantage. I didn't want to say it would be good PR, but actually, he's out there in

the garden. He's blinded the neighbour's cat. And he's down to forks and spoons. We've run out of cutlery. But tell you what,

kid, got a fucking great throwing arm. We've run out of cutlery. But tell you what, kid. Got a fucking great throwing arm. We're doing that. Look, I'm not saying no. What I'm saying is I won't be proud of it. Right. That's a lot of this podcast for me. No, like, I get that it'll be good PR.

And I get that, like, it's worth doing. But I won't get to the end of it and be like we achieved something there. I just won't. All right. I'll tell you what. I'll get you some knives. We'll do both. Well you said a hundred yards. No I don't really want to do the knives.

I want to do triple jump. That's an Olympic event. You fucking hairy lunatic. Just wait until I've had a kid. Need the motivation. We're doing that in October no we are I'm fucking serious

are you up for it I'm in yes we'd need what so we don't do 37 hours everyone will come in it'll be fine

as many guests as we can every two hours yeah yeah yeah go in there and sleep for five hours if you want as long as there's someone keeping it going I'm telling you

this is the balls it'll have 108 downloads as we can every two hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on there and sleep for five hours if you want. As long as there's someone keeping it going. I'm telling you, this is, the balls are, this, it'll have 108 downloads. It'll be Tom Twisselton listening to it twice. But it's on like Donkey Kong. If you can't spin that

into some PR. We, yeah, we absolutely can. Right. We can. I'm not denying that. You're getting lost

in why I, why I'm against it. Right. I understand that. You want to break a record that you can. Right. You can. I'm not denying that. You're getting lost in why I'm against it. Right. I understand that. You want to break a record that you can't break. I want to break a record that it is difficult to break. Yeah. Yeah.

And so do other people who've made it hard to do. You can't do the triple jump, you fucking mentalist. I've seen you play five a side for three minutes and it looked hard work I've got to be honest with you I'm not 100% sure what triple jump is I'm doing a triple jump

one two three get on me it's then you run jump jump

and then the last one is hop throw when you're self hit hop skip and if you know the difference between that good on you or here's me question is it where. Hop, skip. And if you know the difference between that, good on you.

Or, here's my question. Is it where your feet land or where the furthest part of your body lands? No, it's the furthest part. Oh, because if his dick is in play. It's the first mark in the sand. The first mark. In the sand. So if I... So if you poo on the way.

Yeah. No. But if I like... Like a javelin. Yeah. If i like jump like a human javelin and i just land and fucking not the far skip jump yeah just land on my hands and do like a laminate no one's thought of that what no one's ever thought of that in the hop skip in the jump no one ever thought of that in the hop, skip and the jump. No one ever thought of landing in a different way in the triple jump. You could get momentum by spinning. But it's the furthest back.

Who's talking about Sonic the Hedgehog now? He's going to, on the last jump, spin in the air. I think he's like Mario. Jonathan Edwards, 18.29 metres. 60 feet. Oh my God. I've got to be honest with you That is further than I thought 60 feet

Look at the YouTube video for that thing That's 10 of Adam's dicks 60 Jonathan Edwards ladies and gents Is he gay? Not important So you have to jump Not important

Like off Say if you jump off your right foot, you have to land on your right foot on the second one. Are we going to get thrown off YouTube for this? Yeah. Turn the audio off. It'll just be audio-less. Okay.

Can we stick it on? Can we stick the video on? It'll be in the, yeah. Right, okay. Here it is. What's this, 92? Oh no, this isn't the Olympics. This is the.

Looks like the European Championship. Oh my God. Here we go. One, two, three. Gerrard. Oh, that's not that far. That's not 64th, is it? Yeah, of course it is. Oh my God. Here we go. One, two, three. Gerrard! That's not 60 foot. That's not 60 foot, is it? Yeah, of course it is.

From the start. From the very start. From the board. From the board. Right. Couldn't you just keep running then? How many times do you think you're allowed to hit the floor? The hop, one contact.

The skip, two contact. The third contact is where they draw it. Right. Try it again. Just one more contact. The third contact is where they draw it. Right. Try it again. Just one more time. I haven't just learned anything. Are you allowed a pogo stick? It's good, Jonathan Edwards.

Obviously. Bink, bink, bim, bop. Oh, so it's from your first jump? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh! That's a piece of piss! 60 feet? But it's not, is it?

Because it doesn't start, the third jump is until 15 metres. That's where it starts from. No. All of the jumps combined is the length. Yeah. But the last one, it, like, is the only one that really matters.

No! No! You can't just hobble and then do a big last one. That's how you get 60 feet. Fucking one, two, dead hard. Please, I want to go and do it now. It's still light. I just want to see you.

I'm not saying I can break it now. That's very important as well. He needs kids. I need kids in my life. What are they going to do just give you that motivation they're just going to give me the motivation to get fit

so that I'm alive longer to look after them and my grandchildren and the key to living long of course is the triple jump when Adam was handed his son Vincent

he just looked into his eyes and went fucking hell I've never felt anything like this but I know for a fact I'm going to shit on Jonathan Edwards world record

in the triple jump and that was his first words to his son and look at the size of his pipe what I always say is shoot for the moon and if you miss you might land amongst the stars

yeah I remember you always saying that and me thinking what a massive vagina you are he closes his shows like that I don't know if you've ever seen Adam ladies and gentlemen

it's Adam Rowe just before he goes shoot for the moon but like if I don't break the world record I might match it no Ladies and gentlemen, it's Adam Rowe. Just before he goes. But like, if I don't break the world record, I might match it. Nope. It'll be a personal best at least. Right, if anyone's into athletics, and I'm not even joking,

if we're into athletics and you have, we can't do this without the sandpit. No. You're going to Tom Segura. I'll just go being cute. Oh my God. That's what's going to happen. You're going to snap every bone in your body. Oh no. We have to do it via zoom what if i just go to b&q and get a load

of sand and just put it in the path yeah i mean that's the budget version of events can't beat that world record it's just like some fucking remedial skipping on the beach. You could do it into a pool. Yeah. Or a ball pit. Or a ball pit.

Right. Google wacky weirdos, isn't it, mate? Nice to have you, Victoria. What tune did you play on the kazoos? Do you remember what tune it was? After all that? I want to know.

Put that gun. I think. Back to the kazoos. Let's put a bow on the kazoos. I think it was Ode to Joy, so Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Not his eighth one, or his tenth one.

No, there wasn't a tenth. You're a musician aren't you Yes I am A musician What's your favourite symphony My favourite Shostakovich's fifth Why

I mean obviously Because it's a fucking banger And it's like It was like The punk rock Of the Soviet Union Like cause And he would deliberately

Make it dead hard to play To be like Fuck you To the Soviet Shostakovich Shostakovich Dmitry Shostakovich Loved football He sounds Like an intimate landowner Yeah to be like fuck you to the soviet shosh to kovitz shosh to kovitz dimitri shosh to kovitz love football um he sounds like a ballet yeah right dejan stankovich what is it about these

guys who are like i'm gonna make this so hard just to be annoying like rakmaninov's is it third is is it that's meant to be ridiculous as well to the point where very few pianists are good enough to play like that's the point so like concertos are supposed to be it's that long in it are they because that that's like you're like platforming one musician to be like it's a piano concerto it's like this is the guy who's it's a master it's like yeah it's music for the masters yeah yeah yeah they're not i don't actually think a lot and they're like that good to listen to because there's too much focus on making it dead hard and And I think if... Oh, I like those guitar riffs where they're like...

And then you're like, calm down. They're grand, but like, it doesn't sound good. What's hard about playing the piano though? Because you've got all the buttons. Somebody said that on Twitter. I thought it was the funniest thing ever. Like, playing piano is cheating. You press the buttons and it does it for you.

You've got all the buttons. What is it? You've got loads of fingers. You've got all the buttons, do you? So what's hard? So what do you say? You're saying to make it dead hard to play. If you know what loads of fingers. You've got all the buttons there. So what's hard? So what are you saying? You're saying to make it dead hard to play. If you know what buttons to press,

what's hard? How fast and how complicated the buttons are. Like you can't type as fast as the fastest typist in the world. But I know how to. There's a very rare moment on Have a Word That Way

where one of us has to shoot a question and gets a really accurate answer. What's hard about playing the piano? The speed and skill that it takes. Oh, okay.

I don't know. Redo's been on. Redo's. So you've been at two of the best clubs in the land this week. Feel nice doing the proper ones,

Hot Water and... Hot water and Top Secret on Tuesday. Oh, that's a nice week, Vittorio. It was pretty good. It'd be good if I got paid, but like... Smash it. Fucking class, hot water,

because I've only done hot water once before and it was half capacity for COVID stuff and this was full and it was... I was there last time you did it, weren't I? Yeah. You weren't there for my set but that's all right uh hot water at covid rules like half full still fucking still better than 90 of the clubs on the circuit i was like this is half full crazy good um and then yeah but this time i was like, oh my God. Like every time, the two times I've done Hot Water, I've been like, I should move. I should move from London.

No one should live in London. Vittorio, I've said it to you. It's calling. The North is calling. The North is calling. Cheap houses and better podcasts. If it'd be Manchester, Vittorio, I think you'd fit in in Manchester.

It's anywhere around here, man. I was calling you a twatter no no i'm saying he suits manchester don't know funny all right he suits manchester his look as well what's his look i don't know unwashed my look changes quite a lot and i used to look like a school shooter and now you don't why did you change it there so much i like it but uh two so one mental breakdown where i died it and then one breakdown yeah where i shaved it yeah I lost my mind twice during COVID I was like I can't fucking and then I went back home

you did really well considering you were losing your mind to put out some really fucking funny content oh yeah that's where it all comes from see when I'm like

mentally stable I'm like jeez I've no ideas and then that's what always worries me you know if you just get well and happy

and you just shit it is that it yeah I resent Laura so much for it. I'm like, I feel so content. You're fucking up my stand-up. Would you stop being so fucking nice?

Even the garden's looking nice. You're like, where's the angst? We saw Gervais last night. He was worth 140 mil. And he's still knocking out classics. And he's a very happy man, isn't he? No, I think he... I'm not saying he's not happy in his personal life,

but I think there's things going on there isn't it yeah he looks quite funny 100% right I just thought you'd be very contented at that point in your life

because he's clearly when he don't make you happy though does it no I mean the success he's got on like he's very revered I think he could have stopped yeah

that drive is something else isn't it Finn's talking give him a mic this isn't really that good, but he introduced himself as, please welcome a man to the stage who doesn't need to be here and doesn't care.

And then he came on. Yeah, but he cares. He absolutely cares. Of course. And I think the reason he still does stand-up is partly because he doesn't feel like he's truly great at stand-up, despite his... I think he gets a little bit of stand-up imposter syndrome,

and I also think, as big of a fan as I am of his, which I really am, I think it's justified. Yeah. I was talking to Finn about it on the car on the way here. I was like, you can just tell he hasn't... Done the clubs. Done the clubs. Oh, he wasn't.

He was nowhere near sharp last night. He was not sharp last night he was not sharp last night the stuff was incredible but it was so slapdash he's a brilliant brilliant writer yeah

and he's he because he's got a fan base and his writing is so good it carries not being great at performance stand up in my opinion

I know it was visible last night like that thing with Louis CK Seinfeld and Chris Rock hilarious that he produced at performance stand-up, in my opinion. I know, it was visible last night. Like... That thing with Louis C.K., Seinfeld and Chris Rock. Hilarious. That he produced. I think it was his idea, wasn't it? That's why he sat there.

And it was like, it really was like, it reminded you of like all the uncles at a barbecue with like the niece's new boyfriend. It was like, it was the alphas and a young lad and they were all being friendly but you're talking in those three guys 30 year veterans who have hit the heights i mean basically they've pushed the heights between them haven't they of what is the best stand-up ever what the ticket sales best ticket sales in america like and then you've got ricky gervais who we love and and hold very dear yeah stand-up wise he's almost like a fucking baby to that compared it's my other three out of four of those guys said the n-word on that show

who was the Chris Rock didn't say it. He's never said it? No. It's just like not in front of these guys. In my head, I was like, I wonder if it was Chris Rock that did it. Of course. Seinfeld doing an N-word bit would be quite a fucking left turn,

wouldn't it? Can you imagine if he just brought out a special that was the filthiest thing you've ever seen? What's the deal? What's the deal with? Immigrants. N-words immigrants they have got to go i love black people but i hate and i i we got a little bit of flight recently for talking about the again i've mentioned it before the rushmore the Mount Rushmore of British comedy. And a few people were pissed off that Lee Evans didn't make ours.

I think it's just because of what he achieved massive. And I think what happened, our opinion of it was skewed by just us not loving all of his stuff. I didn't grow up with him. I didn't love it. And a few people mentioned Gervais. You're like, stand up.

Because what he's done in terms of The Office even Afterlife that's on now is fucking brilliant it's the most viewed of its category ever on Netflix it's so good

comedy drama but that's not a good record because you just like work out how many people viewed the last one and then you just get one I don't even respect it it's stupid I'm not even respect it It's stupid

It wasn't even any knives Someone said George Carlin Didn't he on a post yesterday I never got it That's a bit of a Hipster choice isn't it I think Probably yeah

I think Carlin's great I really enjoy watching Some of his old clips He's just not like He hasn't Influenced me And made me wanna Like Watch everything he's just not like he hasn't influenced me and made me want to like watch everything he's ever done the way that the people we put on Rushmore have yeah I'm not trying to take away

from what Gervais has done but it is the weird thing where because he he came he was famous he was playing I remember doing the fringe in 2005 and Josie Long who I was doing it with and their mate went to see him at the Edinburgh playhouse and he'd been doing standup about a year, year and a half. And he's doing the Edinburgh playhouse in the fringe. And not that I'm saying that that discounts you from the discussion, but it is a little thing of like,

he was a household name that went, I'm going to go and learn to do standup. And I've watched those specials. They're really good, but they're not in the same category. It's from a different lineage and kind of journey thing. So who are your, because I always find it interesting,

like there's a guy back home who does like dark one-liners. And I was like, oh, you must really like Jess on that. And he was like, no, my favorite's Damo Clark. Who's like, if you don't know Damo Clark, just club, clubby club club club comedy. Damo Clark, the most gentle club club club comedy Damo Clark the most gentle

fun he smashes it headlining gigs and you're like you could do this for a kids comedy show and it still would be good

there's not many people you can say that about I think is the guy you're talking about the Dark One Liner guy

relatively new yeah so I think when people first get on stage this was certainly my experiences they do what they think can get to they can get to work the easiest okay so maybe this guy is sort of like i'll do dark one liners because like that's what larry dean used to do yeah and it's sort of like

it's shock comedy i know it's going to get a reaction regardless of whether it's shock comedy. I know it's going to get a reaction, regardless of whether it's a laugh or a ooh or a what. It's going to get something. And he's, like, if he likes, if Damo Clark is his favourite, he will develop into something closer to that than what he is doing. Do you think so? Because sometimes I look at comedians that I love

and I go, I can't do that. I don't know. Like, I'm not saying it's like a catch all 30 or whatever I do think you know because like we we've sort of eulogized about Sean Locke in the first section today like I love this stuff but I'm I'm nothing like him really on stage and I've never tried to be or wanted to be really but it like a few years ago someone said to me would you pay to see yourself and i was like no and they were like well what are you doing then like you should try and be the comic that you'd want to see that's the whole reason i do comedy because i was a

classical musician and i would be on stage and be like i wouldn't pay to see this i never paid to go see classical music and i kept going to comedy clubs and i was like well i should do the the thing that i would pay and honestly it's such a good way to look at your stand-up if you've got a bit in your stand-up that you know is like meh you know it's meh you know you you're in it this works but it's fucking easy it's low hanging through if you have too many of those you're not the stand-up that you want to watch and it's it's it just means that you will do a job in certain places but you'll get found out when you go to proper gigs and crowds won't be cunts about they'll just go yeah yeah you don't ever want to be me that's one of the worst responses you'd rather be pissing some people off and have some

people love you or be trying just be great or whatever but to just be okay because you took some fucking shortcuts my mate john always says like imagine you're doing a bit and then your favorite comedian walks into the room would you bail out of the bit or would you be like yeah okay yeah that's basically sort of another way of saying what I was getting at before. Would you do it in front of Ross Noble, Bill Burr, Chris Rock? Yeah. Who's drinking? We'll call her Sarah, because that's her name.

There's no one in your group that you think is a fucking idiot. It's probably you. Short talk. I don't know why he's a gay shot. That's why. London Hughes is Netflix special it was the trailer for his special

who? London Hughes who's London Hughes? exactly London Hughes is a black female comic from London right

and she's now doing a lot of stuff out in LA she's smashing it she's fucking very successful that's Patrick she's great

she's backed by Kevin Hart special was either produced or directed by kevin hart um but i couldn't believe that when when the trailer for the the special was so it's every friendship group has a hoe i don't think you're that was the trailer for the netflix special am i ahead that is a trope in it on uk on the uk circuit yeah true who when you were growing up in belfast you were into comedy who are you guys because i know like we're talking heroes but we talked before about when sean lock was starting out those bonds that you make when you're starting out and

the the acts that you look up to who were i know you didn't start out in belfast but when you were young who were the belfast comic who? Who from Northern Ireland were you into? Mickey. Mickey Bartlett. I grew up watching him in clubs, like at just bar shows in Belfast. Colin Geddes is another one who you guys probably haven't heard of.

Doesn't he host the Empire? No. Oh, no. That's Colin Murphy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Colin Geddes is the lad who wears a hat. Yeah. He's over there.

Sounds like a prick. Wears a hat. Yeah. He's over there. Sounds like a prick. Wears a hat. Who's your man that does Queens? Who does the university? He hosts that. Is that Colin Murphy? Probably. That older generation, I don't really get them

because it's like a lot about the Troubles and stuff and I just wasn't. See, Patrick Hilty made his bones, didn't he? Talking about the Troubles. Yeah, we get it. Your dad was killed by Paramount's Reese I'd just like to say that that was

Vittorio Angeloni from Belfast That said that I did not talk We get it I'd rather slag off London Paris No Patrick Hilty is great What's she called? London Palace Rome New York I knew it was wrong I nearly said Houston What's she called? London, London, London, London, Paris, Rome, New York.

I knew it was wrong. I nearly said Houston. London, Paris, Houston. That's her name, yeah. Yeah. Weird fashion shows.

But Mickey Bartlett and Aaron McCann, Colin Geddes, who are like the big guys and Shane Todd as well. They like did this club, Lavery's. It was just like the middle floor

of a pub in Belfast. When are we talking here? When I was 17 So 8 years ago Right Mickey Bartlett's a funny fucker Isn't he? Oh my god

He's never off He's always Mickey fucking Bartlett He'd be fucking good on here Mickey Bartlett's phony I spoke to him about it Like when he came over I spoke to him last week Because

When I did Hot Water Last Bint He was like Who haven't we had in for a while Who we At all Who should be doing weekends here? Because we'd like to sort of get some fresher thing in. And I was like,

have you had Mickey on? Bartlett. When I, like through my Rolodex of people, he was sort of like the third or fourth person that come to my head. And he's like, I don't think he applies for gigs anymore.

So I messaged Mickey and was like, you should be doing there. And if he gets booked in there, because I spoke to him and been team sort of liaised between them, then absolutely. Yeah, go on YouTube, Mickey Bartlett. He's a phony motherfucker.

And he was, I imagine, like, in their own club where they were all fucking around. Oh my God, yeah, that's like their gym. Like, I saw them, like, working stuff out and, like, doing the same bits and, like, tweaking it and stuff. And I was like...

I'm getting so hyped because I know I've got a tour this time next year the dates are in now it's just gonna we're waiting to get it released and we've been talking about how we're gonna like preview adam's got a tour coming up and like you just talking like that is making me go oh my god i want to get into it you have a renewed like excitement and passion around stand-up now because two years ago you were on the circuit you were doing the thing but now you have this like there's a tour on the horizon yeah we've sort of been talking about this in in the first half and off mic today like it's proper invigorated you'd like we were talking in the break weren't we like the fact you know it's there it's just that two

years ago when the when the pandemic hit and for that year year and a half two years before three years before doing the best stand-up i've ever done i was on great form i had a load of material i was turning up to gigs unnerving other comics because i remember hayley ellis was like hey how are you got this much new stuff? It's not even new, it's finished. Just four or five nights a week turning stuff over. And then we've come back from the proper, properly come back from the pandemic.

Me and him have done this. It's earning money. I'm making a living from this. And I had such a bad run, like baby's born, tired, not heads in this, just had some shite gigs. I can't work how I used to work. That was born out of, I haven't got a choice, need to earn, need to be good at standup, need to do these gigs in front of me, turn it over. I wasn't going to

Edinburgh, rarely going to Edinburgh, once every two or three years. And coming back, I can't be that comic again because that was born out of necessity i love being a stand-up don't get me wrong but the reason i was driving to fucking birmingham on a wednesday and up to stockton or leeds thursday friday and then saturday down to fucking wherever you know like where are the gigs like yeah bath on a saturday that sharpens you is because i had to because i had to earn. And then coming out, I can't do that. I don't want to do that.

I want to, I want to, I change how I work. And it was a couple of months we talked about it on here. Adam even said it. He was sad because I was like, I'm just having a bad time.

I'm not loving it. It's cut, it last month and a half, done enough good gigs, the ball's rolling. But absolutely, now that this tour's in and like we've not talked about it all but we're planning little bits of not just podcast live shows just cheeky little bits of stand up and us fucking about that in progress yeah and you just

talking about bartlett and his boys having a room like that makes me more excited because I don't want to drive to Bath on a Saturday to play from to play to fuckwits from Yeovil yeah I want to get into that better be the title of your autobiography yeah I don't want to drive to Bath on Saturday oh my god I want to get in the nitty-itty Because they have to turn it over So much in Belfast Because there's like There is a big comedy crowd there It's a lot of the same people Come down to that Lavery's club

Yeah yeah After Night after night So they're turning it over They're turning it over And they're mad cunts Like Like Mickey

Geddes did The Ulster Hall It was like 1500 people And closed on a new 10 minutes That he'd never done before And absolutely roofed it Because that's just what they do

Week in week out They're like This is new And they'll just talk about it Backstage for 10 minutes And just go out And absolutely level it Because they can't do

The same stuff they did You can get really excited With new stuff like that though And it's The fact you're excited And enjoying saying it Like Carry

Yeah The energy carries over. I did the store last week for the first time in 18 months. I'm back there again next month. It was one night I was there for. And I was like, do me all the stuff that I know works. All the new stuff that I'm excited about that isn't quite finished. It's like, I'll do the new stuff.

And it was the best gig I've had since we come back. Because I'm excited about it. It was first after the break. And I'm at the London store store it doesn't really get it doesn't align itself any better than that i've got this new bit about um saying the n-word it's really it's really good very i have a bit of a very very jerry samfeld um i tried a bit in edinburgh the other day that i don't think i'll ever try again i might try it one more time it was about how i think drink driving is safe and i just felt it felt like i turned up at the funeral of someone who was like the and the rest of the show had gone it was on wednesday another

show that i said was the best show i've ever had in Edinburgh? Or my favourite one? I just... The concept was no one drives more carefully than someone who thinks they're just over the limit. Oh, yeah. But everyone's like... I was like, if I've had two and a half pints or three shandies, and I'm like, I could be. I drive like I'm on my driving test.

So that is the sick. I think there's something there. I do. And 150 people in Edinburgh disagreed. I'm still convinced that Pedo Island is a bit, and it died in front of a thousand of our fans. And I'm in my head going, it's fucking funny. Maybe I should sing it earlier.

Have you ever spent Christmas on Pedoo island one of my favorite bits of they have a word live thank you show was one of my bits not working that is how ridiculous our careers have got that's a bit man is it that's gotta be a bit that bit i'll try it again on sunday i'm doing hot water on sunday it is because it went on a much because i thought the direction was do you know the way you're slightly better at pool after a couple of fucking. You are a bit like that didn't you?

He's, oh yeah, about, yeah. He's such a good joke writer. I love it. Let's have a little

interval, couple of questions. Hey, listen to this. This podcast, I've aware as yeah, is sponsored by beer52.com

and we have been for about a year now they are our og sponsor and i've got to tell you about them if you don't know who they are they are the number one craft beer discovery club in the uk what's a craft beer discovery club adam well i'll fucking tell you mate okay what they do is they help you discover craft beer they send you different craft beers every month from all over the world different themes every month as well you might get a month worth of south african beers you might get some from argentina the next month you might get some from south korea or something all over the world they'll help you discover the best craft

beers that you've never heard of and here's the best thing because you're a listener to this podcast not only do you get a free case of eight beers and an award-winning beer magazine for free just by going to beer52.com slash word. All you do, pay the postage and packaging, eight free beers, free beer magazine and a little tasty snack as well. And also, it helps us out. You support our sponsors, they support us. This thing can keep going. We can keep the Have A Weird

gravy train on the fucking track. So go to beer52.com slash word right now and get yourself some bevvies for nothing. We've got some emails. Have a word pod at gmail.com. This is from the GOAT, Harry Robinson,

who's just touched down in Oklahoma. He has. He's doing a year at the university. The Sooner State. Oklahoma University. Which is weird, because I'd sooner be in any other state. The panhandle.

He sent me some pictures of the, I love it how I'm sending pictures to a listener. Like, that's how close we are to Harry Robinson, who just started out as a listener, then a patron. And he's like, yeah, here's some pictures of me getting down in Oklahoma. Fucking looks amazing. Like, I love my family, but i'd love a year fucking around in oklahoma

um did he dump her in the end no the stage weather didn't take any of our advice mine was dump a shag everything adam was basically the ross theory of we were on a break but he really likes her so he's just gonna he's gonna stay she was at the live show as well oh she's a lovely girl yeah but i'm just saying you're from wigan and you might have got laid with your voice for the first time in your life hey up oh my god he says sap lids hello from cowboy country the weather has been mental here in oklahoma and it's been constant mad thunderstorms since i've arrived. Oklahoma is famous. Pause it.

I'm not listening. Hey, oh my God. And then in my head, they immediately start fucking. Yeah. Sooner rather than later. Have you heard of a wig and kebab? Whoa, whoa, whoa. This has been months.

But can you do the... the why what did he say sooner rather than later do the hat Kobe it's far real it was minging I wanted to put it back hello from cowboy country

the weather has been mental here in Oklahoma and it's been constant mad thunderstorms since I've arrived Oklahoma is famous for tornadoes. Tornadoes.

T-U-N-A-Y-D-O-E-S. Oh, tornado, tornado. It's up to you, whatever you call it. Tornado, tornado. Get out of this room. Tornado, tornado. If you're from Wigan,

it's a fucking tornado. So I wanted to ask. You say tornado, I say tornado. We're both morons. Let's just fuck it in the car park. How do you think you lads would fare doing storm chasing for a patron exclusive? And who do you think would handle it the worst?

Give Adam six weeks and he'll ride the hurricane like a rodeo bull. Give me the word and I'll get some professional storm chasers on the blower for you so storm chasing so i've seen the film twister scary so that's all the prep you need it it looks fun right what if you end up in oz what yeah i'll get flung there hi like in the wizard of oz not Australia he was doing it quite a young man to be doing a pretty gay reference

what if you end up in ours what if you end up over the rainbow that kazoo really affected me and that's how I met Darren

I never really used to understand why what do you mean why would you do it because it's mental isn't it science And that's how I met Darren. I never really used to understand why. What do you mean? Why would you do it? Because it's mental, isn't it? Science. Nah.

He's just a dickhead in a pickup truck. It's not science. In twist, it is, isn't it? Have you ever been, like, in Manchester, this is years ago, I was driving into town to do The Frog, and the sky was, like, lit up by a fire. And I'd set off a bit early and i started

driving towards the light yeah because i was like that's clearly a massive fucking fire and i want to see if i can see a massive fire and it was near where man city's ground is now uh awful if you got there and you're seeing people running around on fire though wouldn't it i mean it would have been noteworthy um stayed in my little fucking car and i just there was an element of like i just sort of want to see it would you not get that with a tornado scariest weather i think it's with a fire it just sort of stays in that old shitty warehouse tornadoes can change direction the scariest weather and then there's nothing you can fucking do and this is gonna sound the most nervous three-point turn ever like sorry adam behave yourself there's nothing you can do about any weather well no

i mean like a tornado can move where it won't do a rain dance what yeah but not all weather's like light drizzle's not scary is it no but his but his rationale why is it scary is like because there's nothing you can do about it heavy rain doesn doesn't make your car move fucking roads, does it? You can't do anything about it. You can put a fucking brolly up. Do you know what I mean? Tornadoes. If a tornado hits your house, your house is gone.

If it rains heavy, you just stay in and the sky might go off. I don't know. I just triple jump out of the way. What I'm about to say is going to sound really silly. What? Right? What? What?

This is going to be new. Go on. Is it possible to wrap yourself up in something that will protect you? Cling film? Bubble wrap, maybe.

Or one of them inflatable balls that... Yeah, Zorb. You know, like Zorb footballing. And then ride the tornado. Yeah. Those airbag suits. Like...

It's like a natural rollercoaster innit Nature's rollercoaster That's what they call it Do you know I want to just rip him to bits but He'd probably die Would you though Yeah

He'd probably suffocate What if you took a little oxygen mask In there A little tank Or a inhaler And loads of Loads of helium balloons i can't breathe i'm fine i haven't got any air don't worry it's a good inhaler

all right so you go with a mask and a like a diver's suit in the blow up really big bouncy ball in my head i'm just flip-flopping towards a tornado in a full scuba suit. Hey, the swimming flippers are a good idea because then you can... Why?

No, because then if you want to get a bit of direction going, you're like, oh, wow, this is the wrong bit. Do you want a bit of direction going in a tornado?

Yeah. Oh, stupid, aren't I? Stupid. If you got yourself a giant, like, bouncy ball suit that had an oxygen supply in it that's sensible yeah you could get in the tornado and then when you get flung you have to make it custom 18 i'll meet your three three legged swimming trunks but you could

you could do it and then just you'd bounce everywhere and then you know what would be amazing if we were all there in the pickup truck we had the cameras going

Will was filming it for a Patreon exclusive he's literally in the boot with the pickup he's already in the inflated suit he's got his goggles on he's got his lip gloss on and we're like

Adam this is as close as we can get we open the truck up and then he waddles towards it to ride the tornado and then it just fucks off in the other direction the visual of adam waddling towards a tornado that he couldn't catch up would be one of the funniest things i'd ever see triple jumps that would be so good What happened to the tornado? Just fucked off

But we could put like a Like first of all I wouldn't be able to waddle Because I want to be Completely immersed By the bouncy ball Oh we've got to roll you towards You can either roll me

Or we could put a giant slingshot On the shot You just pull me back And fuck off Yeah Yeah You just make me go What?

Jenna! Jenna! Dad! you've just pulled me back and fuck off yeah yeah suicide in it really why it is car it is god why didn't any one of us think of that it would kill you you might die god thanks car you're welcome i haven't thought about that i think a human a human sized oxygen supply filled bouncy ball is a legitimate way to survive a tornado

you might not end up where you started but you'll be alive and he lives by that mantra he's always said if you are in a human sized oxygenated ball

and you shoot for the stars and miss in a tornado in a tornado in a tornado you know it's good innit that's what and he lives by that mantra

it's what his mum used to it's what your mum taught you innit would you go surfing yeah I would yeah even on the big ones in Portugal seeing them are we talking about

tornadoes or waves I'm so confused it's just weather innit it's all weather right it's the weather section I don't yeah I'd try but I don't think I'd be able to I'm so confused. It's just weather, isn't it? It's all weather. Right. It's the weather section. I don't... Yeah, I'd try.

But I don't think I'd be able to stand up for very long. I'd rather go windsurfing. More weather. With that storm of the... More weather. Or, like, when people are, like, hanging on to the back of a jet ski. That looks fun.

It's only a matter of time before weather gets motorised. Yeah. it's only a matter of time before weather gets motorised yeah Sean's got an email quite to the point kissing what was Holly saying again oh storm chasing yeah I would do it

I reckon we covered it do you reckon anyone else was storm chasing how would you do it if there's a tornado what would you human size bouncy ball I've just checked

you had a stroke joke alright it's not a stroke joke alright what would you do with waves alright it's been a really good episode let's not just

descend into nonsense Sean says alright lids just a basic one what's your opinions on kissing after oral sex

right here's me question and there's no non-nice way to say it is her mouth full of my cum i mean still why would you keep it in there because some girls do some girls use it like mouthwash what like dirty fucking hamsters oh it's like skips you gotta let it dissolve in your mouth don't bite it It's just like food pastels I think I say no tongues That's all I say

Yeah Just a little I'm onto that No no no I mean Is it finished It could just be A bit of a notch

And then she comes up And is a bit more kissy That's alright isn't it I think that's okay Oh yeah yeah No If there's gum involved though And there's bean Coming in her mouth Even if there's gum involved though and there's been

cum in her mouth even if she's swallowed it or spat it somewhere just a little like you're kissing your nan I've got a blowjob thanks nan it's exactly the same

as when your nan sucks you off to completion just whatever you do with your dear old nan when you finish in her mouth. Adam.

And that's, now we know, how Adam's nan died. Drowning. You don't need fixative when you've got jizz. Fix the bend. Jizz cement What about when you've Gone down on

On her Then it's alright I think it's alright There's no juices is there There fucking should be No but I mean There's not like an after Juice

What Like the comb is a thing Isn't it Like it exists There is a bit of lady juice Your mouth should be full of it Well I'm a bit of lady juice. Your mouth should be full of it. Well, I'm a bit of a slurper.

It's like a human pipette. That's my technique when I go down. Like the... Try and inhale. Yeah. The amount of labia I've got stuck between my teeth is a fucking nightmare.

Do you have... That was too far. Do you have an oral technique, Vittorio? Is there any tactic you've got when you're down there? No. It just gets the kazoo out. Sorry.

That would work. It would work. A kazoo. Yeah. The kazoo, it's a move. Look at me. You're so disappointed. It's freaking me out.

Russell Brand, you should say the kazoo is a sex move. Just give me the worst look like. The kazoo is a sex move I don't just give me the worst look like the kazoo is a sex move yeah Russell Brand said going down technique called the kazoo

I just blow raspberries on the cliff that might be the least sexy thing you've ever done and it if she farts it means she doesn't feel bad about it because she's like he'll have just thought that was his mouth you don't know the difference is that me someone's guffed oh all right okay is that what the rest of this podcast is now

Just raspberries What's your technique to What the fuck is happening right now Are we about to do an instructional video On conolingus What's your conolingual technique Just It's all about the clit and that's it

I'm still talking I'm so tired. I had a question. It's still good. I'm really enjoying it. It's good podcasting, but I've never, it's so freaked me out when Adam just looked at me and went like, I think you're tired, but you look to me like,

I haven't got any, I can't do it, Dad. You need to grow up. It was really off-putting. Have you got a preferred dick sucking technique not with your sucking dick I like a nibble on the balls do you

a nibble a nibble a nibble on the balls nibble now I know technically we're not talking about blowjobs now it's just sort of

general area can I have that aubergine back just for a demonstration I'm about to do courgette courgette it's under the table

just a tornado tonight just to sort of like get in the old. Tornado. Tornado. Just to sort of like get to get the old scrote in between the teeth. Give it a bit of a. You haven't thought this through.

I have. What? So what? I know you don't care about mindset what's your technique i could have literally said no what i'm sticking a fucking telephone pole like a gobbler like an absolute dick goblin so and so or thunder cunt like a like a little tickly one like a little no one one? No one does. Who has ever done that to the end of a day? I've had a couple of them.

That's like saying goodnight. No, she was quite the opposite. No one does that. What, a little peck on the end? It's like saying goodnight to a teddy bear. No. Can you show us, Adam? No, I like someone to clock in and do a shift.

You look quite scared to put your tongue out there. He made eye contact with me. Just for the audio listeners, I have died in my mind. That's fucking nightmares. Pathetic. It's like two inches Dan do the other end oh

oh my god oh could you imagine if he got locked jaw do you know what's really mad is I've got no interest in any homosexual

activities but I think we've proved today that I could suck a mean dick I don't think we did oh Victoria oh you gotta give it

a clean edit for the no context have a words. I hope it's clippable because I won that one. I will be retweeting that from burner accounts. How competitive are you that you need to show 50,000 people how good you are at sucking dick?

I'm not fucking competitive I just you know I think there's layers to comedy and visually it can add a it can add a

humorous you've answered the old question of suck a dick good or bad haven't you surely yeah

yeah surely that's a past one I just what if someone says suck me dick or like

I'll blow your head off with a shot you're doing it good so it's over quick or you're doing a chick you don't want to do it I think they'd last about 8 seconds

with Adam he's an absolute fucking animal slapping on his you can't the thing is about Adam and it's like this with his comedy

he needs to be the best person at sucking a dick in the room on any sucking a dick bill he is as well he needs to be the best person at sucking a dick in the room. On any sucking a dick bill. He is as well. He has to be the best dick sucker.

You know? Freddie, a close second. Lads, shall we do some have words? Yeah. Hayley B says, can you please have a word with all the lads who aren't brushing their teeth or using chewing gum then coming to chat With those girls

On a On a night out That's weird to my Can't stand it When some fellas Lean in for a chat And it hurts your eyeballs Cause their breath stinks

Sort it out boys Tar From Hayley B It's hard when you're Out boozing isn't it Like if you're drinking beer The chewing gum Makes everything taste shite

Oh that's true. But like if beer's your drink of choice then your breath's going to smell of beer. Yeah but first of all this is not just a male problem. Some women smell like they've been drinking poo all night. And maybe they have.

Drinking poo. What are you drinking? Poo. Yeah yeah. It was that video wasn't it oh god like like

two girls one spoon like halitosis like two cups one cup cup cup two girls

one cup cup cup it's it's this last bit it's one of those ones that's just for the die hards

isn't it this part is no wonder like I'm just going to try it from minute 89 there used to be a kid who worked in Envy do you remember

I won't say his name yeah genuinely this is 100% true you can conjure it can't you right so

this lad we used to work with well I used to work with in Envy his breath was so bad that i hadn't seen him yet but i knew he was on my bus didn't even have to look he was like four chairs behind me and i just got on with my headphones and then sat down and then i was like hang hang on. He just goes, Gary? It was hot. And I turned around.

It wasn't Gary, actually. It wasn't Gary. Don't say Gary. Because Gary actually worked in every Gary's boss, Gary Stables. Yeah, he's got a big dick, though. It was hot. Is it his breath or is he a stinky guy? Gary.

It sounded like a horse. Gary Horse House. Yeah. He's called Gary Stables. But we call him Gary Orsos because a stable's a horse. But he's not the one with bad breath. No.

He's a boxer. Gary's dead sad. Gary's lovely. Yeah, and a boxer. And is the bad breath guy just bad breath or is he like a stinky guy? No, he's just bad breath. I know it's sort of a disgusting thing to say.

He used to smell like he'd just polished off some shite and then come to have a conversation with you. But genuinely, there was a time I got on the bus and he was four seats behind me and I didn't see him. And I went, is that? And I nearly said his name now. Is that his text, Diane? Because it can't just be what you've eaten.

It was hot. It's only a gum thing. Right. Was it? It's not brushing properly and not flossing at all. It was hot. It not brushing properly it was hot it was warm on your face literally you could feel the chemical reaction happening

he was loud, he was a close talker I think that's what Hayley's getting at with the leaning because on a night in a club it's very like oh just doing the lager I still think though you can drink lager without having bad breath surely

You will have lager breath But also You can drink lager all night But if you're then going to go and talk to the girls You've just got to let your lager taste a bit minty for a bit Or What's the drink that you can just be like Lads we've had four pints

Just have like a half a lemonade I just think, just, like, if you're in a nightclub, the place smells of like fucking, But she's not necessarily talking about a nightclub. She might be talking about a bar.

Right. I don't, I've never, I've never been a guy who goes out, and like my night, is made or broken, on getting with someone. So I like,

the priority for me is always, best night I can have. I don't want to be not enjoying the drinks I'm having on a night out for some fucking stranger. Yeah, but then you're not the guy she's on about. Yeah, there's a lot of men who aren't like that. Who make or break. I suppose. Let's get some beds tonight, lads.

Yeah. If you are one of those chat-up guys who's bowling in, I never did that. I went out to have a good night but i worked out that if you had a good night and had a dance girls would be more it's i never never i never like waited till four girls are out the shoes fit and excuse me ladies cringe if you're one of those guys you better have some fucking wrigglies in your pocket mate oh but does anything make you

look like more of a potential rapist Like an angina spray No like You know Minty spray It's like a thing In cartoons And also real life No like the mint spray

Show me arts alright Alright love Healthy as fuck I'll listen to your arts Get your stethoscope on this girl Clear this fuck Don't want to have a fucking Heart attack talking to you

Solution You could have a choc pop shot an after eight. What? So you have like choc pop shot creme de menthe

creme de menthe What part of China is that? Choc pop shot? Is that northern or sorry Colin we've just been doing

a bit of geography in the first six. Choc pop. Choc pop. Or an after eight is another name for the shot. It's creme de menthe

We don't drink children's drinks Snack one of them, minty fresh Go crack on Right okay I know what you mean Or learn sign language That's a great idea Stab yourself in the ear You would also have to get someone to teach all the women in the bar sign language as well

Ishan No you just go to a deaf night There is some sign language that's universal in the bar sign language as well Ishan no you just go to a deaf night there is some sign language that's universal that is universal sign language for sex pests

I want you to suck my dick I want you I want that to work in the club yep it worked

bam I guarantee with some people it would work hey Sandra that guy's asked you if you want a calippo and he wants to you if you want a calippo.

And he wants to know if you want a sticker calippo. That's just mime and words. But I guess that is what sign language is. Mate, if you're trying to be a playboy. At the end of the day, that's what sign language is. Brush your fucking tegs. I don't think you could get round by just pointing at your arse and saying you're trying to shag in the arse. I don't know if that's actually sign language. I don't think you could get round by just putting it in your arse and saying you're trying to shag in the arse. I don't know if that's actually sign language.

I don't think it is officially recognised as sign language. I wonder what the sign language is for anal. Well, all languages is getting someone to know what you mean, isn't it? I'm going to see what the sign language is. Oh, but official sign language is not that. It's a... No, I know. Agreed upon, you know.

Yeah, but as long as they know what you mean, it doesn't matter if you've said it right, does it? god i've got a dirty sign language unbelievable signhub.com it is literally just it's just finger in there and you have to do the face that woman's doing tits look at the sign language for tits what is it just two thumbs up is it this it this? It's that. And then that. Cup, cup. Is it telly on?

Yeah. Can you see this? I mean, he's tired and it is confusing. I'm hung like a horse. I'm hung like a horse. And what's the sign? Could you do it, Carl, for the camera? Really?

Well, that proves Adam's point then, doesn't it? I was like, it's all a great note. It's just conveying the information as quickly as possible. Do you want to play pool? You're just talking quietly. Yeah. For the audio listeners, don't watch the YouTube for that bit

do you think there's ever been confusion in a nightclub where someone's going do you want to play do you want to get in the pool Ronnie O'Sullivan's accidentally getting fucked in the ass

yeah I'll break because Ronnie O'Sullivan always walking around fucked in the ass yeah I'll break because Ronnie O'Sullivan always walking around going do you want to play I love it Ronnie O'Sullivan because he's a snooker player

he's always like anyone want a game because I'm a pro I've got to practice next minute wanking off a gay guy I'll put it just went out for a couple beers

now I'm in bed with Ding Zhongwei it's the second time you've mentioned him and he's never been mentioned and I'm in bed with Ding Zhongwei. It's the second time you've mentioned him and he's never been mentioned before and you've now mentioned Ding Zhongwei twice. Sponsored by Ding Zhongwei. Has someone put a bet on with you

that you could come in here and mention Ding Zhongwei? Who's Ding Zhongwei? It's Steve's new girlfriend. Come on! Come on! I'm fucking on! I'm ready!

Oh shit! He's an Asian snooker player. Oh, Ding. I'm ready. Oh shit. He's an Asian snooker player. Oh, ding. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, bro. No, but when he's on the BBC, it just says ding.

Ding, ding. It says O'Sullivan and ding. Yeah. That's all I know. Ding. Ding, John. It makes him sound like a government official. He's just ding to his mates.

And BBC Two viewers. Ding. BBC Two viewers. Close family, friends. BBC Two viewers. And fans of Eurosport. All nine of them. No more pod.

That was ridiculous. I came in today looking forward to seeing you knobheads because Monday was absolutely horrific and atrocious at the same time I knew it was going to be fun with Vittorio it was brilliant but like awful wasn't it people messaging about Monday's Patreon

have basically been like oh my god what a fucking mess that was all so wonderful and I knew it'd be fun with Vittorio one of the lids one of our own can you tell us

where we can find you just so if they don't know I know I've got my key ring again for Instagram but I mean so many as we're so signed

and the lids very much a very supportive audience but podcast i'm currently recording a backlog of podcasts so i can just release and get them on the go but there's 105 up on the feed it's just called vittorio's podcast because i was sick sick of coming up with names for podcasts so yeah no one's nicking that it's just called when are you gonna release them um so they'll start coming out september All right. And then going from there,

but there is 105 to listen to with some cracking guests. Right, well, make sure you let us know and we'll give that a push. If you could go and have a look at my second show, which is Show Me the Sample, me and my DJ mate, Felix Leiter, talk about rave tunes from the 90s and noughties. That is on YouTube at Show me the sample on socials

and Adam where will you be sucking courgettes you need a sleep don't you bro I'm so tired we've got about

30 tickets left for the underbelly oh in London town don't miss out just go to adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows because I just put it on there

and we haven't got a list of our live shows on our website at the minute because it would be a one show list. What date is that again? Sunday the 19th of September. So come and see us live and that would be amazing. Anything?

Have I got anything? No? No. Dan has a podcast at all his oh yeah right do you know what no we'll record a video

in a minute for the start of this because we've got fucking 50,000 listeners so we should have 50,000 followers each on all the social medias and we haven't

me too I'm going to get my key ring back out and do the QR code again go on lad he's doing it keep it in focus keep it in focus on all the social medias and we haven't. Me too. I'm going to get my key ring back out and do the QR code again. Go on, lads. He's doing it. Keep it in focus. Keep it in focus. Is it in focus?

Oh, he's got it. Scan that. Yeah, that. Yeah, I've only got 5,000 and that's 10% and that's disgraceful. Me and Carl played a game the other day which was find the people

who've done multiple appearances on TV shows who've got less followers than Carl. And Finn. And we managed to find one who's got less than Finn. You're good at Twitter, though. You're really good at Twitter. Thank you.

Yeah, let's do that. Have a follow. We're going to do it at the start, but... It's been great. It's been a really fun one. Can I want the thumbnail to be Him sucking that At the point of the most Of course

Superb Megan Oh Megan