Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #135 with Helen Bauer - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

UPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy.The value of Bitcoin is variable and can go up and down. Do your own thorough research before buying Bitcoin. Past performance is not an indication of future performance. At all times, CoinCorner aims to comply with globally accepted standards that seek the prevention of money laundering and terrorist financing. As a result, we reserve the right to request further information/documentation at any time. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, lids, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday, pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, the Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favourite podcasting

because Adam says all sorts of shit that can't go on the proper internet. Once you sign up, you get the full back catalogue of all the Patreon exclusive we've done every week since May 2019. You also get to watch the now legendary Lockdown Lock-In where we got absolutely shit-faced and recorded it. Oh my god, it got messy.

And any more Lockdown Lock-Ins will only be on Patreon. Once you subscribe, you also get early access to the public episodes. The public get it on Monday, you'll get it on Saturday morning. And there's discounts on merch, discounts on live tickets. It's an amazing deal. We're dead proud of it. This Patreon has got us through one of the worst years of our career, but we also think it's a fucking dealio.

Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn.

Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Wag wag lids, before we start today's incredible episode, I am very proud to be telling you that my tour

my first proper UK stand-up tour tickets are available now and I've been doing stand-up 20 years next year and it feels amazing that because of this podcast

because of working with Adam and because of your support I'm now in a position to be putting on a national tour I would love it if you could buy a ticket they're available now at dannightingale.com it's going to be putting on a national tour. I would love it if you could buy a ticket. They're available now at dannightingale.com.

It's going to be an hour of all the best stand-up I come up with in the next year. Potentially some of my old favourites, possibly Nigga McChickens. Dannightingale.com. Just get down. I'm so happy to be announcing it. I cannot wait to do it. We're going every

fucking where and we'll see you there. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. DanNightingale.com for tickets. Thanks, lids. All right, lids, before we start this week's episode, I'm here to tell you about our latest sponsor, CoinCorner.com. Now, they are one of the longest running exchanges for cryptocurrency in Europe, and they're one of the best ways to buy and sell Bitcoin here in the UK. If you don't know what Bitcoin is, it's the number one cryptocurrency on the planet. It's been around for over a decade, and it's going mainstream. It's in the news every day. Celebrities like Tom Brady are tweeting about it. El Salvador's made it legal tender. If you want to get involved in the cryptocurrency game, the best way, in our opinion, to do that is to go to coincorner.com

slash wordpod. You go there, they know we've sent you. You're getting in the cryptocurrency game. They know we've sent you. Everyone's winning. You're helping our sponsors. They're helping us. That's how the pod game works, okay? That's what we want you to do now we've got to say this when you invest in cryptocurrency it's like stocks and shares your capital is at risk don't invest anything you can't afford to lose be safe don't be a fucking dickhead now let's get back to the pod are you laughing at that i think he's lacking oxygen Are you laughing at that? Are you laughing at that? I think he's lacking oxygen.

Tough crowd. I've finally figured out what I need to do to make my hair look good. Oh, good. Tell me all about it and let me not talk for a bit. Do you know the photos from the live show? Yes. I just, I noticed that like the sides of me

were like stuck to me head. Looked a bit greasy. So now, I'm just putting wax on the top, not on the sides. Good for you. Good for you.

Do what you should do. You look super. You should get a mousse for when it's wet dry it and then you don't have to well I have a mousse and she's always wet

right well there goes the hair tips with Cal no go on sorry get a mousse when it's wet yeah shaggy there's the joke for you where are you going to get that from

mousse your hair when it's wet blow dry it and then put the wax in don't put the wax on the sides going to get that from mousse your hair when it's wet blow dry it and then put the wax in don't put the wax on the sides but it's got the mousse on before it was wet so you get the so you get the volume there

you're a pair of pricks you two aren't you this is really not a good conversation to have just trying to help me but I'll help with his hair your hair mate

yours is decent but look look at his I do like my hair yeah how much do you spend a month talk me through it erm with the hair cutting products Yalos Look at his I do like me hair Yeah How much do you spend A month Talk me through it

Erm With the haircut And products Like 60, 70 quid Probably Babe But you get the value Out of it

I go To my local barber It's 9 quid For the haircut It's 16 quid For the tub of wax Haircut lasts me About 2 weeks

Wax lasts me About 2 months Hair facts with Adam I love that shout out all the baldies and national front members who just shaved their head it was great when everyone was like

oh my gosh I haven't been to a hairdresser for so long volcanic ash conditioner as well very good volcanic ash conditioner where did you discover that? In Japan? Yes Yeah

I didn't really It's a very British product Volcanic ash Is a very British product It wasn't a Japanese product My grandad worked at a volcanic Yeah See that Nick?

You threw on goal You put it wide Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh you put it wide. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Order, order. Go on, what did your grandad do?

Tell us what your grandad did. He did a funny thing in the past and it was going to be a very funny mickey take, but I said it wrong. I've invalidated the banter and I secede. I want you to swallow your pride and tell us what you were going to say. So it's a volcanic ash product.

Very British, is it? I bought it in a British shop. Yeah, this country was built on volcanic ash hair products. My granddad worked in a volcanic ash hair product factory. Have you got a head regime? Eh? Have you got a head regime? Well, thanks for asking.

I look at it, feel sad, move on with my day. What was this little crab thing you were doing there? It's his head, isn't it? Yeah. I just check if it's there. I go, please grow back. Can't. There is no Jesus.

Would you ever get Turkey head? That's an option now, isn't it? Yeah, it is. See in Andros Townsend, go where he went. Or Shaqiri.

It's just going again, though. Whose hair do you get, though? It's from your arse and not the back of your legs. No, I don't want my bum hair. They line up a load

of prisoners of war and you get to pick who's hair you want. Prisoners of war? Yeah. In Turkey. Which war? The Turkish war. The Turkish war yeah in turkey which war the turkish war the turkish war the ottoman empire war the ottoman empire ended in 1911 yeah okay is that true no it's i don't know no the prisoners of war are from turkey

they're abroad and they ship them in oh foreign import prisoners of war syria syrian that's a war that's what the Taliban are doing They're just taking you know Prisoners You cannot leave Kabul airport Especially you with the beautiful dreads You will go on a container ship The Vidal Sassoon

HMS Vidal Sassoon To Turkey Yeah I would go. I would like, just going off what Ishan looks like, I would like the barnet of a 15-year-old Bangladeshi boy. Yeah? Yeah. Any watching?

Undonate? Would you really go Turkey? Dan hasn't got hair. You can afford it now. If you, as a Bangladeshi teenage boy, just give two hairs a month... You can afford it now. Paul Smith got his teeth for free

because he had, like, such a platform. At the time, I think he had about 120,000 followers. Brilliant. So if I lose a tooth, I can get one... I can get a fill-in. No, what I'm saying is, like this podcast now, we're doing across YouTube and audio, we do 100,000 a week.

If that bumps up by another 20%, right? Yeah, if you've been snorting volcanic ash, I love it. Then we might get offered this, and you could go, look, I'm happy with my teeth. Have you got any hair? You want teeth for hair? Oh, you you mean it's not the same shopping i want to go different place yeah just you know this is how i feel about turkey and they're like come come to turkey we'll do your teeth we'll do your hair we'll do your dick get your new tur dick. Got prisoners of war from the Congo.

Why did you go all monk then? The Congo. The Congo. They drink on Bongo. It's very good for the dick length. I just don't know why Turkey. What? They're famous for their hospitals.

What? They're famous for their medical care. care medical care yeah i think i'd rather be with bupa than with you wouldn't get boober here what you wouldn't get boober here uh is there not another country i can go i just i think turkey israel israel all right Alright lad, like we do. Israel teeth. I've never enjoyed that more than anyone! Israeli teeth. You can get Israel there, it's famous. Curly. Very curly. Very tight.

Cover your balls, Mark. It doesn't work though. With a yarmulke. I think the reason they do it in Turkey is because it begins with T and people like alliteration. Turkey teeth? Yeah, you should go to Hungary. Hungary. Holland.

Holland hair. They'll do it. Hungary hair was well better. What? Hungary hair was the best. Hungary hair was better. Honduras hair. What?

You literally, the add-ons aren't necessary. You fucking smashed it with... Helsinki hair. They'll do it in Finland, surely. They do everything over there. All right, now we're going capitals. unnecessary you fucking smashed it with helsinki here they'll do it in finland surely they do everything over there all right now we're going capitals but you can afford it like would you feel a dickhead getting it or you're happy what about um yes i'd feel a total twat would you really but if laura if you get hungry here i'll get an egypt eye what he's

thinking i'll get an egypt eye a. Egypt for a new eye. Yeah. I'll go to Denmark. Take off the Sphinx. Go ahead, love. Go ahead, love. I'm excited. The Sphinx is in Egypt.

It is? All makes sense. Think easy. If Laura left, if Laura was gone, why would she go? Where would she go? Why?

Why is she gone? It's just, I she she'd meet someone where she met him uh let him call it's 2021 where she met where has she met them laura could let us off right we got offered a threesome last week maybe she she finds the email and answers it okay she's like all right sandra you saucy old slag. Yeah. Never mind, Dan. So she's been to Pilates. Maybe a woman called Helga. No, no, no. Come on, let's do alliteration.

Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Leslie. Yeah, it was meant to be, wasn't it? If you're born as a woman and you're called Leslie, there has got to be an increased chance that you're not. Is Leslie Shaw for something?

Lesbian. Come on. Is Leslie Shaw for something? Yeahbian Is Leslie Shaw for something? Yeah Yeah Lesley-Anne Just asking Thanks

So she's met A lesbian called Les Yeah Lee Yeah And she's She's Chinese They're going on

Leslie Half Chinese She's half Chinese Yeah She had an English dad She's Get names after me Your little Les

She's half The good half She's Yeah She's half 58 year old had an English dad get names after me your little Les she's half the good half yeah she's half 58 year old snooker player from Bradford Les half Chinese

but Les Les Lee and they're going to Lesbos in Greece the island of Lesbos right because they really love alliteration lesbians called Les

in Lesbos it just you know both having a beer sounds borderline Welsh um having a lager a laos yeah yeah it's not a beer. Sounds borderline Welsh. Having a lager. A laos. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not a lao. And they're going out for a lovely dinner. Anyway, she's like, shiz on me timbers, Les. The things you do to me. Woof. Like that.

Yeah. And I just can't compete. I genuinely didn't know until recently, by the way. I feel like I've told you this you know like lesbian scissoring is essentially them banging their fannies together yeah I genuinely thought scissoring was them like

fingering but like doing scissor motions oh right just letting you know you've got a very strong I thought it was one in the arsehole One in the pussy And like They were like Squeezing them together

And when you think about it It makes sense Yeah That's squashing your gooch They don't have a gooch What? Women don't have goochers What?

They have a very small perineum Don't they? Which splits Perineum is the gooch Yeah Am I getting a image here? Alright Yeah it's a very small

it's more like a wall than a gooch like I've got like a fucking you could do the 100 metres on mine yeah it's quite thin isn't it

you could do the 100 metres on yours yeah you'd have to do a couple of laps you have a 100 metre gooch you have a 100 metre gooch it's probably like 12

oh right 12 yeah 12 metre gooch that's a stick you can't do the 100 metres but you can do the long jump. Do you know what? Now that I'm four, I'm saying I can't.

You can't do the 100 meters on my gooch. I rescind my statement. If British athletics could stop applying to do athletic events on Adam's gooch, he's closed it down. What's the start of this story? Laura's gone. Why? Because she's a lesbian now.

Right, but what's the... I'm telling you, that would be... If I thought Laura and Les were on Les Boss, shizzer in... Having some lovely legs of lamb with a lager and a lettuce. She's taking the kids. They're like, Les is nice. More manly than dad.

So they've got a better father figure. I think I would consider it, even though you three, not Finn, he's dead nice, you two, Steve doesn't know me well enough, but eventually Steve would be hounding me. I love how you're pointing at Steve,

who isn't there, but they don't know he's not there because he's quiet and never on camera. Steve's dead. Steve's gone. The ghost of Steve. All the comedians Steve's gone to Shaggers Bay

to make a little Leslie in dressing rooms you get ripped for six months oh it would be what did he say what he said Steve's gone

to Shaggers Bay to make a little Leslie hi Judy thanks for watching that message she sent was phenomenal yeah

it's just I have a patreon.com slash have a word pod to get some context on these jokes erm I would then

I'd just I'd swallow my pride no but you get hounded for six months and be like oh yeah Dan's got hair now again

well how many people watching and listening quite a lot I don't have anything else I think they'd be happy for you seriously I'd be made up if you've seen the Simpsons episode

with Homer gets new hair gets a new life oh de Max oh shit de Moxon Hill de Moxon Hill erm Seriously? I'd be made up. Have you ever seen the Simpsons episode where Homer gets a new hair? Have I? Oh, the Max, oh, shit. The Moxon Hill.

The Moxon Hill. Yes, I would, I would, but I'm not going just fucking short back and sides. I want Carlos's fucking Real Zaragoza

creative midfielder. But would you go, like, you've got the line-up of prisoners of war. There's a blonde guy war there's a blonde guy there's a ginger guy there's one who matches

your exact hair there's Carl there's like a mousy brown there's like everything there right fucking weird looking soldiers of war

prisoners of war we've got quite the Taliban stylist comes in like welcome welcome this is how Taliban pays for the guns, okay?

My name is Mamut. They call me stylish Mamut. Welcome. Mr. Nightingale. Never mind about lesbians They will go to hell dirty dirty dirty in the meantime Let the Taliban get you back on the fucking hairy streets. Okay, we got blonde prisoner of war He's Swedish weird came to fight the taliban from stockholm we've got ginger this one's got a perm apparently he came back from 1982 to fight the taliban anyway he prisoner of war if you don't choose his hair he die if you do he die all down the line this one got dreads um what would i go for anything no but you've got the choice of anything so what color are you

going are you matching your beard or are you going to get black i feel like i've just been funny enough i want to be honest i want to i want to i want to have blonde like oh blonde sort of i'd love to have like a harland's hair ailing carl no it's a bit a bit thin and sort of yeah it's a bit thin for me I like more of a sort of a wavy bodied

Griezmann have you seen Griezmann's hair yeah something a bit more yeah yeah yeah yeah

I wouldn't even mind curls not like a Welsh fro a Wafro oh no I don't want a Wafro a Wafro

what's the password for this would you go like long like shoulder length hair no I'd start like that at some point I would yeah if it genuinely grew it's what Homer did didn't he What's the password for this? Would you go like long Like shoulder length hair? No I'd start like that At some point I would

Yeah if it genuinely grew It's what Homer did didn't he? Homer with Damoxanil And have you seen it? Longer and longer You had new hair Every bald man watching It's like

Yeah it's fucking banter But secretly If you could If it just started growing back Thick Strong Like not halfway up my foot Mate I had a slap head When I was 8 years old I think I started going bald growing back thick, strong, like not halfway up my foot.

Mate, I had a slap head when I was eight years old. I think I started going bald in the womb. I came out and my hairline started fucking here. Literally got called slap head so much. You would grow back if you went and got a hair head. You would have. Genuinely. This isn't like a pipe dream.

It really exists. Do you know what they've done with it? I don't have. My pube game's not strong. It's fine. It's not like a pipe dream. It really exists. Do you know what they've done with it? I don't have... My pube game's not strong. It's fine. It's not about that, though. So what they've done is... Right, have you ever seen...

What a prisoner of war. Have you ever seen a picture of someone's... You're a beautiful Norwegian prisoner of war. Have you ever seen a picture of someone's back garden? Right? And it's just mud. And it looks like nothing could ever grow there. And then you see the after photo where the gardener's gone in.

And it's lovely lawn. That's essentially what they do. So what they do is, you've still got air. It's just staying in your head. Right? It won't come out. So what they do is, they've essentially, and this is true, and you can Google it.

Just weed and feed Well they put like A sort of A base on From the prisoner of war This is like You started here But to get it to grow They've essentially

Sort of modified The formula For miracle grow Not like exactly But that's what they've done That's where they've got it from And it sort of Makes your hair

Grow more hair Right I'm in And they used to follicle and it sort of makes your hair grow more hair right I'm in and they used to follow call some other party look at him can I get you that for Christmas

no but if Laura's gone Laura would love it would you just Laura like your bald head I don't know she's not I don't think she's arsed

no but if you work it women like it don't you like Jason Statham yeah I think there's arsed. No, but if you work it, women like it, don't they? Like Jason Statham. Yeah. I think there's other things I could do to be more attractive to Laura. I've started weaning a plant pot in the bedroom

and she really doesn't like that. I get it, though. Do you know what I did last week? It's the best thing I've ever learnt to do. I've just got an empty plant pot, middle of the night, can't be arsed banging doors, like, are you banging? Well, you're shouting. So I've banged and do. I've just got an empty plant pot, middle of the night, can't be arsed banging doors, like,

are you banging? Well, you're shouting. So I've banged, and now you're going, do you hear me, baby? Excuse me. You're pissing a plant pot in the bedroom?

I'm pissing a plant pot. I pissed in a pint glass the other night. Like, do you not have a fucking bathroom? Yeah. It's nasty, I remember. It's upstairs, though. What is?

The bathroom. And where were you? Downstairs. Why? Because she'd gone to bed and I was playing FIFA and I didn't have time to pause it

go upstairs and wee and get back without it unpausing so I was just pissed at the pint glass right yours is more gross hang on can we just do a gross

yeah judgment his is worse but they're both bad why is mine worse because why didn't you go for a whiz in the garden what

I'd already locked the back door oh his was to stop him waking his baby yours was because you couldn't be arsed pausing FIFA no but I stomp

going up the stairs on it with a woke Sam up once she's gone to sleep and I'm downstairs I try and only go up once I'm going to bed yeah now

if you'd have said I just nipped in the garden rather than go upstairs not only would I have sympathised I'd have gone in the garden rather than go upstairs, not only would I have sympathised... I'd have gone in the garden if I needed a poo. Come on. You think I'd have pooed in a pint glass?

Don't be silly, Dan. No. No. I've seen Adam poo in the garden. No, you've not. I have? No. He's pooed in my garden once.

No. No. He wouldn't let me in. Little dirty protest. I needed a poo and he was's like you're not shitting in my house again and i didn't know until like six hours later when i thought why is the poo in my garden fucking hell that dog's ill neighbor's dog for a cockapoo that's quite um no be all serious is there is it a cockapoo, that's quite... No. Be all serious. Is it a cockapoo? Is that a breed?

It is, yeah. Yes. It's a Cocker Spaniel mixed with a poodle. I've got a Cavapoo. Thank you. Two Cavapoos. This country was built on Cockapoos. I remember my granddad used to work...

No. No what? Be honest. I want some truth. About what? I want some truth. About what? Order!

Order! Order! You've never pooed in your own garden Because you couldn't be bothered going upstairs Have you please? I know you're being silly No I haven't Good But he would

But I wouldn't rule it out Can't categorically say What's the difference? The dog poo is out there Do you mean the front poo? Do you mean the front garden? No Oh

Yeah I think one of the differences is that if your neighbor goes out at night and the security light goes on and they see your dog having a shit, they're like, no, like shit. If the security light goes on

and they look across the fence, you're like, yeah, Sam's asleep and I stomp. And I need, I've got fucking feet for them. He doesn't have to push your poo out. He just sits down. Yeah, yeah.

Whoa. The ghost of Judy. Can you fix that, please? Hi there. Like, I wouldn't like... I'm just saying, like, sometimes it's an emergency for me. What did you do with the pint of piss? What do you mean?

So you had a pint glass full of piss? Yeah. Where did it go? I poured it down the drain. Outside? No, in the sink. Did you leave it there for a bit while you played FIFA? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, what's the point in doing it? Hey, by the way. You pissed in your kitchen sink. No, I didn't. I pissed in the pint glass. And then I poured it. I made sure it didn't go in any of the dishes. I it? Hey, by the way. Pissed in your kitchen sink. No, I didn't. I pissed in my glass. And then I poured it.

I made sure it didn't go in any of the dishes. I put it right into the plug hole. So, Laura knew nothing about me doing this. When we moved into the house, the bathroom, really badly designed. You couldn't get in the toilet with it. It's just so badly designed, the little wash basin. And it was just a noisy bathroom. You turn the light on, it was one of those pull ones that's like,

and then the fan wasn't working. It was dying, but it was loud. And that's what made me go, I can't be arsed waking everyone up. There's plant pots here. And I got away with it for months and months and months until one morning I forgot that it was there. So I'd get up in the morning, put it down the toilet. I'd just give a quick rinse

of the plant pot so it didn't stink is the plant in it? it's gross no just an empty white plant pot about this big right I know it's gross

but in my head it worked like a prisoner of war like a prisoner of war right and then don't dress for the air you've got dress for the air you want

and then one day the air you want. And then one day I left it on the carpet, forgot about it, went on with my day. I was playing with Etta outside. Laura walked in my room because she could hear

us laughing, just to have a little look and kicked it over. And she was appalled. And I don't think she's fancied me properly since then. So when I'm whinging about not getting some action, I do need to stop peeing in that. So hair would help, but I'm...

And she hid the plant pot. She was like, this disgust needs to stop doing that. I've just gone and bought another plant pot. I am... It's gross. I need to stop doing it. We've had the bathroom done. We've had the bathroom done. It doesn't make any noise. I've got gone and bought another plant pot. I am... It's gross. I need to stop doing it. We've had the bathroom done.

We've had the bathroom done. It doesn't make any noise. I've got no excuse anymore. Yeah, that's a problem. And I know where your bedroom is and where your bathroom is. It's next door! The walls are joined.

You really can make your missus lose a level of attractiveness that you can never get back. And I think I did that the other day when we were hungover after the wedding that me and Sam went to and she didn't even say so Sam hates mayonnaise

she's just disgusted by mayonnaise doesn't like it so Seneca she hates it exactly that so I got a chicken legend

with mayo on from McDonald's right and I got no lettuce on it it's a mistake because I don't like I don't love the lettuce

that comes on a chicken legend from McDonald'sdonald's but they they over egg the pud pud with the uh the old mayo on a chicken legend you get more mayo than the burger requires and the lettuce sort of you know absorbs a bit of that and i'd removed the absorbing lettuce from my order so there was a lot of it and and I was eating it while driving, and I didn't realize until I'd got home. And Sam was so hungover, she didn't even want to speak. She's like sort of dozing, and then she'd noticed it. What happened is I'd squeezed the burger,

and a lump of mayo had landed right on me tit, and it looked like me nipple was seeping mayonnaise. And she was literally like forever now i'll never look at you ever again and not at least the back of my head be like is nipples seep mayonnaise you know you're gonna lose weight if naturally the body starts oozing mayo from fucking nipples oh if you're a yeah that's i could imagine that Because I think mayo is fucking great on a chicken burger. Absolutely. On a cheeseburger.

But I understand that when you hate something. I'll put on that. Mayo on a cheeseburger. Cheeseburger. I don't mind that. Oh, a bit of tomato ketchup. On a barbecue. Yeah, and a little bit of mayo.

Not loads. Yeah, it works. I don't know if I've ever had mayo on a cheeseburger. No, I'm not saying it's. I'm sure I have. I didn't like it. It's not my go-to. It's ever had mayo on a cheeseburger. No, I'm not saying it's... I'm sure I've had it and liked it. It's not my go-to. It's tomato in it on a cheeseburger.

But I cannot stand tuna. And some people fucking love it. And when Laura... Because tuna's so good for you. So Etta has it. So yeah, it's the same thing. She feels about mayo like I feel about tuna have i told you about the time i farted is it the brine for the tuna sits in yeah a tuna water i'd rather drink bin juice

enjoy your breakfast there was one time i farted on a train on purpose because the guy opposite me on the table had tuna. He started chemical warfare. He got out a tuna pasta and it was like, it smelt like it was still warm. This was in the morning. I was getting an early train to London. Breakfast, tuna pasta. Oh, I'm already in a bad mood

because I've got to be up before fucking lunchtime. What are the cunt foods on a train on public transport? What are the cunt foods? That, definitely. Smelly crisp. No, crisps cannot give the same smell as... Do you know what I mean? Here's something that I really like

that I think is out of order on a train, but I eat this, an egg mayo butty. Oh, power dog. They're lovely, but you can't be whipping that out on public on a train, but I eat this. An egg mayo butty. Oh, power down. They're lovely, but you can't be whipping that out on public transport. No, absolutely not. There's a next level about hot food as well. When someone's like,

oh, there was a restaurant just down the road from the railway station, got a bit of bloody takeout. You're like, yeah, but hot food stinks. I feel like that's a cunty move. It depends on how strong it is and whether it lingers. A nice little box of noodles is all right on the chain, isn't it? Yeah, I think so.

I'm just so against that fishy smell. Yeah. Yeah, he got it out and he was smacking his lips with it. It's literally like, you know when people are eating like... Someone get a text. What did he get out? It's tuna fucking pasta he's like

and I literally I was like I could defo force a five I was like yeah that's risky for you yeah because it's a bit you look like

I couldn't have you go mate could you stop eating that food that is selfish everyone like it's not, it's almost like you'd be in the wrong there,

but actually. And it was chocker and that was my reserved seat. So it wasn't like there was options where I had to just get off. I had to, like, I'm sat opposite him. Yeah. I used to think getting a table seat on a train was the best thing ever.

And then. It is now. And then. It's illegal for people to sit on your table with you. Oh, right right but before those COVID restrictions like once you book in and it's busy

having to face someone all the way a stranger and worry about them kicking you or you kicking them all the way to London I'd rather just look

at a fucking we spoke about the London-Euston round national haven't we yeah what a game mate yeah

also there's plug politics on our table seat We spoke about it in London, Houston, Grand National, haven't we? Yeah. What a game, mate. Yeah. Also, there's plug politics on a table seat. So here's what I think. In pre-COVID times, which we're heading back towards, hopefully, you get on a train, I will rush. So like Houston at the Grand National, I will sprint to what I know is the unreserved coach if I've got an off-peak ticket so that I get on a table seat. But I get very claustrophobic if I'm against the window,

but I also want the plug. So your rule is I got there first. And my phone's already plugged in. And their rule is if you come up against an objection, this plug is next to my seat. I'm next to the window. So what I do is I sprint and I sit at a table in the aisle seat. And if someone goes, do you mind moving up so I could sit on this table?

I go, you're welcome to get in. Absolutely. And I leave. And then as they've sat down, even if it hasn't even budged, I just tap my plug charges. I just be like, that's the same right fucking name. Oh, you do a fake little tap tap just to make you aware.

Tip, tip, tip, tip. That's mine now. And yeah, and I've got it for two hours and 12 minutes. I'm getting off this train with 100% battery. Right, now,

what if a person goes, oh, you've got charging. Would you mind after an hour or so if i plug my phone in just to give it some charge i'd be like where would you where would you sit with that you literally looked at your phone went shit i'm already at 92 percent if i'm at 92 percent now what i do is go i'll tell you what mate i've got i'm gonna be out all day after i get back even if i'm going straight home i'm gonna be out all day after i get back so i need to get off with a full charge phone going to be out all day after I get back, so I need to get off

with a full charge phone. If you want to put it on for half an hour, an hour now, you can do it now. That's enough about 92. If I'm at 3%, say. Oh, 3%.

There's no talking. I'm like, mate, it's at 3%. Let me get this up to like 97, 98, and then you can have a five minute. Right.

What if you're at 60? 45 minutes to go. You've got 64%. And they're like, I'm just about to run out of battery. I'm phoning my wife. She might not know. I'm on an earlier train.

Is she dying? Yeah, she's dying. And that's why she's picking me up from the station. Because even though she's dying, we want to spend time together. You didn't say she was picking you up from the station. That's what I was implying. Well, I didn't know that.

Well, boys can be quiet on the train, please? Right, so can I have the... Do you mind if I just charge it up for 25 minutes? We've got 45 minutes to go. 12. 12 minutes. 12 minutes. Can you call it 20?

15. 20. 18. 15. 17. 15's nice and round. 17. I've given you for 17 minutes.

17. My wife is dying. Your wife is dying? She's got a 12-meter gooch. Why have you been away? She's drowning in gooch. Why are you leaving? I've just been down for 17 minutes. 17, my wife is dying. Your wife is dying? She's got a 12-meter gooch. Why have you been away? She's drowning in gooch. Why are you leaving? I've just been down to a gooch specialist

in Hartley Street, London. There's only 45 minutes to go. The train's emptied up now. There's other places. Go and charge somewhere else and give me some fucking space. No, this... I'm not tuning away.

You're a rat. Yeah, that'd be the end of it, wouldn't it? Imagine if you were like, yeah, do you know what? You can have it for half an hour. And they were like, oh, thanks very much. And then tap, tap, there's in. And I went, that's really

kind. Thanks very much. And then just got Tupperware out. And we're like, eh, I'm kidding. That's the option. I'm going to have to kiss my dying wife with this peel on my face. Dan, what's a Gooch specialist? A doctor of the perineum.

Right. There's Gooch specialists. Yeah doctor of the perineum. Right. There is a gooch specialist. Yeah, of course there are. Is there? Yeah. You can have problems at your gooch and you need to go to somebody who knows it. Can I have a person who specialises in the gooch?

Oh, no. I mean... I don't think it's a perineum specialist, but yeah. No. Of course there is. You're making me gurgle this. You can get gooch rash. What? Gooch rash. Gooch rash? Yeah. Right. Rash me gurgle this You can get gooch rash What?

Gooch rash Gooch rash? Yeah Right Rash of the gooch You can actually Yeah Yeah

You can get Overzealous sweaty gooch Overzealous sweaty gooch It's like too sweaty Have you ever had racist perineum? What? Have you ever had racist perineum? What's that?

There's a midwife What's that? Do you ever take your underpants off And your gooch says something anti-Semitic? No, I've never done that. Ah, well, you're lucky. I had to see a gooch specialist about it. There's a perineal midwife specialist.

I don't think you're going to see that either. Yeah, but that's for a different reason, isn't it? That's not because of racist gooch. Is that because it splits it open? Okie doke! It becomes one big hole, doesn't it? It does. That can happen.

You can end up with a big fanny you can you do you don't need a gook specialist for that you just need any midwife in a maternity ward gene get the stitches i can't have a no car big bummer the stitches i mean that was wrong wasn't it you don't what happens right like, they've run out of stitches. They've run out of stitches. Right? And they're like, how many stitches do you need? Just pull out five.

It's like milkshake, isn't it? Brexit. No, but what happens if they're like... What? It's like milkshake. They haven't had a stitch delivery. Yeah. So they're out of stitches.

Yeah, they can't get the stitches because of Brexit, right? Because there's this Polish fucking lorry driver I've got to get stitches yeah but he's got his papers yeah

yeah fucking Brexit so they ran out of stitches so they're like look we're going to have to just leave you with the big asshole funny for like two days until the stitches get here

what if you need a poo in two days within that time what happens let me just check oh that's right don't know I'll ring Laura she'll love this chat have you heard about the two days and within that time what happens? Let me just check. Oh that's right. Don't know.

I'll ring Laura. She'll love this chat. Have you heard about the this is genuinely something that winds a lot of women up but something traditionally called the husband stitch.

What? After childbirth. What's that? It's a bit sexist, basically. The terminology is very sexist, but it's still kind of used. I just think you've got to have an old fucking midwife who's like, I can't give a shit about a fucking feminist thing. But the stitch for the husband is when they're sort of after a,

shall we say, traumatic, borderline explosive childbirth situation where there's been a bit of uh and after they they do a bit of stitching which is fucking brutal but then they can basically just add a few more stitches to make everything a little bit more snug shall we say for the partner right yeah wouldn't they want pussy yes wouldn't they want that anyway what wouldn't the lady want that right yeah no i don't know maybe but it's a big fanny uh if you've got an answer to that have a word pod at gmail.com who wants a big fanny because you imagine if i was involved in it and Laura was like should you just go

for a husband stitch and then I was like keep going another stitch do you reckon any woman's ever asked for it to be left looser than it was before where she's like

I've always wanted to try fisting and I've never been able to stretch I reckon if you've just given birth and you've had a tear what you're thinking is long that maybe not the first few weeks can't wait to get back

into the visiting game. That's the point, it's not getting back into it. She's never had the opportunity because she's been tight. I can't talk about this anymore. I thought, do you know where the husband can cut the cord?

I thought he does the last stitch. Some tired fucking new dad who's there in his fucking scrubs mixes it open like stitches a labia to a nipple right we're having to redo that one greg you've not done a good job the husband stitch has gone wrong here one pussy flap on one cheek like has he done it well no love he's misjudged it that's what I thought you meant. Not PK. We're not beating that. We have major medical procedures as well.

Like if your husband comes in on your heart surgery, he can tie the last pump in. Husband brain surgery. Where's their fucking mood swings? Let's cut that bit out. Fuck off. Women, eh? I really want Turkey Teeth as a sponsor.

Can we actually see if they'll... It's Seville. Seville, isn't it? Seville Smile Studios, where Paul went. Right. In Turkey, it's not in Seville. Come at me, bro. Big hand. What's happening, guys guys it's sponsor time

as always and this week it's parcelstation.co.uk if you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your customers you might be able to

save a little bit of money on your parcel costs via parcelstation.co.uk they're a parcel management company and they work with some of the biggest e-commerce places in the world like Amazon andbay and they've also got contracts with all the biggest delivery companies like hermes if you want your parcels lashed on the fucking roof that is dpd

yodel you've got contracts with everyone and if you want to save a little bit of money on your company's parcel costs go to their website parcelstation.co.uk forward slash have a word and see what they can do for you. They might be able to save you a little bit of dough. They've even worked with one of our biggest sponsors, one of our longest-serving sponsors, bf52.com. They're a great company. They're fans and supporters of the podcast.

So if you are looking to get some parcels sent on a business level, go and support them. They support us. That's how adverts work. We appreciate you. Now let's get back to the episode. And we're off. Do you know what?

Fucking sick. Go on. Giving like Ice Valley Water and Coca-Cola boosts without them like sponsoring us. We always have like branded stuff on show and they're not fucking paying for that. Yeah, take that Dr. Pepper off. Don't be giving them any fucking

undue advertising. You want your advertising, Dr. Pepper? And T-Mobile Germany, Adidas and Get fucked by a music. You're not getting no sponsor. Are you top off? No.

Why was I the only one that got the top off on the live show? You shandered? I think you wanted to. No. Johnny Bongo said, tops off and i was like oh it's usually me that doesn't do this sort of thing i got my tops off and then turn around and no one else had done it no oh yeah okay i didn't want to take me top off i don't think i

did but you you i gave i gave the energy of someone who was really happy with it i i wanted to take my top off less than you did then wow yeah same probably more or less i do i wear things that make my body look passable and once you take them off there's no hiding oh babe you know what i mean yeah yeah um got a question from boom. Is that water close? Boom. Boom leads. A good comedy promo. Oh, my tour. My tour.

There's been an advert at the start of the episode. Please buy tickets to my tour. It's been announced for the autumn of 2022. I'm coming everywhere. And I'd like you to get cummed on. Oh, no, that's not the right wording. But I'm very excited about it and I genuinely, some of the venues that we tried to get

were so fucking snippy. Got a vibe, you know. What do you think? I don't think, I don't think you, what have you done? Telly? Have you done any telly?

Have you done any radio? No, motherfuckers, I do have a word, and we're sticking our dick in the game. And I really want the venues that went, yeah, yeah, nice one, Dan, the podcast's doing well, to benefit. I want to have a good tour. So they're available now, dannightingale.com.

I've got Ishan doing a couple of supports. I've got Vittorio doing a couple of supports. I've got Barry Dodds doing a couple of supports. And it's all closing off for the final night of the tour at Hot Water in Liverpool, which I am very excited about. So just want to formally thank you, Adam, and all of the good lids for getting me to the point

where I can even entertain the thought of a tour. And it's going to be an amazing month, a year, developing the stuff, seeing the sales grow, and then knowing what show I'm going to do. I'm really excited about it. And, yeah, I'm a bit nervous. I sort of muted the idea of my tour a while back. I've got some news coming in September,

and my tour is going to be announced after that. My tour is in the spring, so it is before then. It's getting announced later just because that's how things are working. And what will have happened is Dan's advert will have gone on the front of this episode and there'll be a few comments already who haven't waited till this point in the episode to go, wasn't I meant to be announcing the tour? It's on its way. And yeah, it's going to be loads of fun.

Yeah. And I've got Russell Howard and Peter Kay support me on mine oh Russell Howard and Peter Kay both they do an hour each

oh sorry sorry I just got a text yeah beep beep I just got a text Michael McIntyre is actually doing he's doing

Shrewsbury I'm on Instagram I'm on Facebook me and Finn as well. £30 a set fee. Yeah, they're going to do an hour each,

Russell Howard and Peter Kaye, and then I go on and just do five at the end, but it's my show. Yeah, yeah. Beep, beep, just got another text. Me and Finn are talking, you know.

Carl's mum's supporting me, emotionally. She probably would. She's supporting me sexually. Sucks me off to completion. DanNightingale.com for tickets. They're available now. Me and Finn are touring.

Really? Yeah. Yeah? What are you going to do? Just go around and just not edit videos properly? I think you're going to have trouble when you call the producers. I think legally there's going to be a problem with that.

Are you watching this episode? It's probably in September 2024 because I'm not going to edit this episode and adam's going to have to do it and that's when it'll go out no you do edit the episodes well oh your social media game is being dreadful and you need to up it both of you probably do that off pod that what you just hang on a minute oh god there's been a clip daily for what four months yeah yeah name anyone else that's doing that? Quality over quantity.

Oh, it's... Well, funnily enough, the material comes from you two cunts. No, what I mean is, remember like that shot where Vittorio's not in it? Who's fault was that? Who's fault was that? That was Finn's.

Yeah, about time. He's both shit. Finn's more shit. He's having a hard time. He's Welsh. He's just realised he's Welsh. They're great. And if they ever do tour,

if you need any edit and work, email me and I'll pass the work on to them. Yeah. Have a word, pod at gmail.com slash Adam Rowe. Dean Cochran's available. So, um... He's not as good as me. Yeah, it was just a joke.

Let's cause fights. Let's cause fights. So just to sum up, my tour is on sales, you bunch of fucking pricks. And where can you get tickets? On sales. Oh, God. Don't run. DanNightingale.com or i've also got the domain carlsmum.com i've got carlsmumslumpyasshole.com i've got adam rose mum's big fat horrible tits.com

matthew he lost his track he lost his temper mid domain name sat Saturday at 9 o'clock I hope to wake up from a message from Matthew That Adam Rose mum's Fataudible tits.com is now my domain If anyone buys that domain I swear to god I'll find you and I'll hate you I can guarantee this domain exists now

Matthew Please Thank you Boom leads Who's a Patreon domain exists now Matthew please thank you Boom Leeds who's a Patreon sign up if you want to email in

if you're a Patreon it's literally like a VIP line because there's so much business stuff going through the Gmail haveawordpod at gmail.com this message came through

the Patreon a good comedy promoter yo got a question for you i run a music venue in leeds and have been working and booking promote uh promoting international artists for over 15 years now the music i work with is pretty niche and it's a lot of fun but what makes a good comedy promoter never even flirted with it but i'd like to give it a go and maybe start up a night at our venue many thanks thanks. Chris, who works at Boom Leeds. I don't know why

we're doing an advert for Boom Leeds. Shout out. What makes a good, you know what's a more fun question? What makes a shit comedy promoter

and then just work it out from there? I think it's really important to be diverse as a comedy promoter. You can't be a white man and be promoting comedy anymore. Oh, really? There's too many straight white men promoting comedy.

No, no, no. I totally agree. I will only put one straight white man. If you're not a black dwarf lesbian, then I don't want to do your gig. In fact, I'm not taking any gigs at the minute that aren't offered to me by black lesbian dwarfs. Yeah. Or Asian lesbian dwar to me by black lesbian dwarfs. Yeah. Or Asian lesbian dwarfs.

Or South American lesbian dwarfs. Or Jewish, ethnically Jewish lesbian dwarfs. Yeah. Why dwarfs? You didn't say tall white men. No. I just think dwarfs need to, you know. Are they the opposite of a man?

They just need to pull their finger out. Of what? It is funny. It is funny on the promoter forum, the comedy forum, where they're like, we only want a woman for this slot. You're like, yeah, I can see that that is important,

but it just reads badly, doesn't it? Why don't you offer it out and then only pick from the women that apply? Like, what is the need at the point of the advert to be like, listen, you dick-wielding fuck-knuckles. No. I know there's 95% fucking answers.

Go on. I've got something to tell you, which is very relevant. So look, what we're talking about here, we're sort of doing comedy industry and jokes, and there's people listening

who may not listen to every episode, they might know so it's the internet so we need to be a large push in not only tv comedy for a while now but also on the circuit to have more diverse bills and we were sort of talking about in the break there about like the comedy store in london got a lot of new blood in because for a while if you looked at a comedy store lineup you'd be forgiven for thinking it was five photos of the same fella. They all had a blazer on, and they were white and a bit older, and there was a sort of long overdue acknowledgement across the comedy industry that this probably needs to change.

Yeah, your line-up shouldn't look like a second-time-round stag do. Johnny Two Divorces is on his third stag. Like a Sidian hair line-up. He's only got four mates left yeah your comedy bill should look like

city and prisoners reward available for hair transplants that's what it should look like who's clothing so there was an acknowledgement

that that was it was time for things to change and it's slowly changing and it's good but as a result of that there's now things like there's comedy forums that me and dan are a part of which are private places where people who are running comedy nights like maybe this guy's about to will post and say i need uh a comedian to do this long on this day on this bill here's the fee here's the email send me a video if i don't know who you are adam is already written in just like explaining it more than some of the lazy cum promoters who are so fucking lazy they go on the forum and go gig sheffield tuesday october who wants it

you're like good god you fat lazy twat write a proper email so the but there's not because there's been a push for because there's been a push for diversity if a guy has got sort of a show that he's running and he's got sort of three white men on they're now putting posts up like i want i need to fill this spot on that bill but because I've got three white men I it has to be a woman and I understand it and I get it and I think in the short to medium term it might be the right thing to do in a lot of the cases because I understand the need for representation and for girls to be going to comedy shows and we're going oh we can do this as well rather than just seeing four white men do it I do understand that argument however i was at a comedy club the other day

i won't say what comedy club it was and neither will carl tough crowd is it a hold a thousand oh 10 million people it was yeah yeah it's just a heart of desert yeah um that's a comedy club and there was a comic-con and i'm not gonna name her uh but she was talking to the the guy who books the acts of the venue the promoter and the the the club owner and they were talking about lots of women in comedy and stuff and she was adamant adamant like this is how it should be done. That if there's no women available on a weekend, every single bill should have a woman on, she said.

And I understand that argument when it's possible, right? But the fact of the matter is, there's a lot less women than men doing comedy. And that means the pool of talent is smaller. And that means there's there's less good women there's less bad women too because there's a lot of really really really shit men at stand-up and they don't get gigs either but as a result of that the really strong female acts get booked up because every club is trying to do this and here what she said to this club owner both of them work all the time yeah yeah what's. What's that, Jim?

Have you seen that Jim Jaffrey show? Don't be an addict. Have you seen that Jim Jaffrey show? He's like, I love female comedians, you know, like Sarah Silverman or the other one. Just an honourable. Javay said a very, very, very, very similar joke to that, didn't he? In all truth, it's 10 to 1. It's like literally the ratio is one good female act to nine

and that's that's the truth like jokes aside the ratio is it's so like slanted in the favour of men which isn't a good thing

in any way no it isn't and we like the reason for this pushing diversity and to put more women on the TV and to put more women

on these lineups is so that more women feel like it's possible for them and that gets ever ever closer to there being a 50 50 divide i don't think there ever will be a 50 50 divide between men and women as an industry-wide standard um as like there'll be half the people doing comedy are men and half women i don't think that's ever going to happen but you'll get a lot closer to it and that's what you're aiming for but this uh this comic said to the club owner if all of the women that you rate and think are good enough to play your club are busy on a weekend you should just book any woman one you don't

think is good and put hair on right rather than an act who's male who you think is brilliant yeah that's just so painful to even hear it's the the The reason I sort of found it funny and insane is because that does not do for comedy what she's hoping it's going to do. Because I've got friends and family who to this day still say to me, I don't find female comedians funny. Yeah, same here.

There's a lot of people who say it and it's a ridiculous thing to say. Our today is helen bauer it was absolutely hilarious and our listeners are going to fucking adore helen just makes me think you've not watched enough stand-up that's what it makes me think a hundred percent but it's awful that that sort of attitude towards women in comedy is there however it is there and the way the way to change that is to book more brilliant women and put audiences put brilliant female comics in front of audiences where they can go oh my god no she was great and then that attitude will slowly change putting bad female comics is going to keep that unhealthy long misused and misheld attitude in place.

If you're putting open spots on on a weekend, you look at the bills of hot water sometimes. I'm there in a couple of weeks. I think Danny McLaughlin's comparing, who is one of the best compares in the world. It's an all white male bill, which we should be moving away from or trying to. But hot water's attitude,

and it's their club and, you know, it's their club and they can do what they want, and who can tell Hot Water how to run a comedy club when they're one of the most successful clubs in the world? It's Danny McLaughlin, Paul Smith, me, and Mark Nelson. At least he's Scottish. At least he's Scottish. At least he's not Scouse.

Danny wears a cap. He does, and I do on Wednesdays when I can't be arsed to be here. It's a bit of diversity. But that bill, every single one of us is going to burn the house down that night. There's not going to be one act who doesn't destroy the place. Because everyone's a killer and it's the best club maybe in the world. If you put a bad act in the middle of that, and because Hot Water run three and four shows a night,

sometimes you're not the middle. You're an act that weekend so you've got to either open or close can you imagine if you pour a bad act on

just because you're trying to tick a box after I've opened and Paul Smith has had to do the middle because I'm telling you you wouldn't do it

if it was a man or a woman couldn't you imagine putting an act that is not up to the job over one of the best 25 headliners in the country? No. So someone's gender should not be the thing

that gets them that gig. Because it's unfair on them, the crowd. It's just a bad booking. I totally understand you can get to a point where you think that there's a female comic who's really good, a 7 out of 10 comic, and you've got an option of booking an 8 or a 9 out of 10 male comic, but the rest of the bill is male.

I can understand going, we'll take the slightly weaker comic because she's still going to do her job and we don't want everyone to sound the same on the bill. I understand that attitude. I also understand why clubs don't run with that policy and their attitude is you've got to be the absolute best

act available and that's how you get the gig. I can see both sides of it, I really can. But to go if you've got the option of Phil Nicil nickel it was a 10 out of 10 club comic unfollowable at times if you've got him available to go on a bill that is already all mail to say that you should book a new two out of ten inexperienced bad comic who has not got the experience of dealing with Liverpool on a Saturday night at

quarter past ten. People have paid nearly 20 quid for a ticket and you are pushing your agenda. Like it's something that I've, that's a conversation I've had

with a punter at the Frog. This woman came up and was like, there's not enough women on this bill. I was like, the Frog is, their

general manager, Jess, is one of the most fervent sort of she's working really hard to push women in comedy she runs a festival called manchester it's the women in comedy festival her bills in manchester she pushes the female act, female host, and still you gig at the Frog and it is an all-male bill. Because although they are trying to progress the place of women in our industry, it cannot be to the detriment, to put a fucking pothole in your night of comedy.

Because to have that agenda is fine, but there has to also be some common sense beyond that and that whole it's not a scientific as you're a seven out of ten you're a seven and a half people have different but it is pretty obvious when someone's new learning not up to scratch and someone is perfect for that spot experience quality brilliant like to swap those out because you have basically a political agenda is bad booking everyone it's bad for the club it's bad for the audience and it's bad for women in comedy uh so i mean hot water i've got some criticism for this over the years and it bugs me because i gig at hot water with women and i don't like, it's annoying when people are like,

you don't, but men. And you're like, cool. Well, I've played hot water with female acts. Like what's like, I just,

I feel like it's such a, an unnecessary jab. And I know that this portion of this podcast is going to sort of be sent around a couple of comedians. What's up? It's going to be, it's two straight white men talking about women in comedy do we really need that again

well it's our podcast and we'll do whatever we want so shut the fuck up and suck a fart out my ass you're doing well oh shit you're doing well then as well you've done really well

for 15 minutes it's done really good and you told them to suck a fart out of your ass my tour is dannightgirl.com because you told me what to do at my own podcast

and women are allowed in I'm very pro woman and I will let them in the crowd on my tour it's honestly not the front row though honestly

I'm a bit modern like that I will let women in the front row and even the venues that we use have got toilets specifically for women that's really

transphobic what you should have mixed gendered. You should have robot toilets. You don't. Yeah, I have those as well. No, you don't gender the toilet at all. People should just be allowed to use

whatever toilet they want. I don't want to do this banter. Why? I was liking the men and women banter. It's not banter. You're trying to be progressive and that's, you know, in some ways to be commended.

But at the end of the day, what you're doing by having female toilets or women toilets is excluding trans people from your tour shows and it's actually disgusting well we're looking to changing that straight away have you got cyborg toilets yeah i don't want to do these jokes we were already sort of in trouble this is a new layer is it pet friendly fucking have you got toilets for helicopters is it pet friendly yes yes now it has is it pet friendly yes people can bring their pets yes yeah what about anxiety pigs no yes why because they're good yeah anyone can come can you bring depressions out depression drones yes can people bring their babies their newborn babies so hot can they bring

newborn babies i'm hot can they bring newborn babies yeah you're excluding new mothers from your show no wow wow what because the baby might cry and ruin one of your precious jokes oh does the man have a joke can black people go yes right just as long as there's no jews god that was really You nearly got me in trouble there guys DanIngale.com Muscle top Is anyone else hot?

What does that mean? Nice one I think it means congratulations Oh I think the Isn congratulations. Oh. I think the- Isn't it a type of cocktail? Dan, you've got a hat on. Can you please do the jar rule?

That's a good joke. A muscle- That's not a jar rule. A muscle-top cocktail. What are you basing it off? A Molotov cocktail. It's pretty good. I'll just spell Molotov.

What a fucking great joke. Oh my God. I fucking pretty good. I'll just spell Molotov. What a fucking great joke. Oh my God. I fucking used Beyonce. Do you know what I'm saying? I fucking knew the Beyonce buoyancy joke was going to come up. Never in the history of this pod have you nearly got your dick out and touched it. I nearly left the video. You actually labeled the Patreon episode, both of them, as buoyancy.

He labeled one of them. He does the audio. Actually. Did you label the audio buoyancy there you go lids that joke was fucking excellent i know buoyancy beyonce fantastic no no that was so bad it wasn't a muzzle top cocktail come on you're laughing now. Oh, now I get it. Honestly, I didn't get it. I thought you were going actually based on a cocktail. Genuinely, I get it now.

Oh, he's a mixologist, so you're talking about... Honestly, I thought you were like, oh, isn't that Mojito? I get it. It's fine. I let him off. Sorry, I apologise.

It's me raving my hand. I apologise. It was good. Didn't get it. You thought I was like... Hang on, let's give you an edit point. It's not a cocktail. Should we give you an edit point?

Mazel Tov. That sounds a bit like Mojito yeah right i like it i apologize good joke beyonce was better though uh jake morris says um eyelids me and my girlfriend are moving to carlisle and we have got our first house together what are the top tips you guys have for living with a girlfriend well can i just quickly answer don't do it in carlisle but um and we're moving together to carlisle what for cheap house prices um so they're moving in sex parties so they're moving in together they haven't lived together before never lived i don't think uh young jake has ever lived with a he needs to he needs to mark his territory very early and let him know what's acceptable

and you'll do that by refusing to go to the toilet, weeing in a pint glass while you're playing FIFA and then probably spilling some. I didn't spill any do you know? Pint glass is actually one of the few glasses wide enough to hold my dick hold? are you like a catheter?

just continue playing while you're pissed the underpants will do so much I need glassware yeah just like you know do this don't do that anything else we can sort of

you know we can refer to the handbook tell her what time you want your tea so his advice is do this don't do that tell her what time you want your tea.

Like a specific time in the day. 5.45 is a good one. I forgot what we just talked about for 20 minutes. I asked the wrong question. No, you didn't. Because do you know what's going to happen? They're both going to, like, what's really lovely at the minute,

because I spoke to Carl about this recently. Carl, can we talk about the fact you're looking to buy a house? I mean, hopefully when this goes out, I've got a house. But yeah, go on. So you're looking to buy a house, but you've never lived in Seneca, have you? You've never bought a house before, have you? Hang on, what time has this finished recording? Oh, I've moved in by then.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't bought a house before, but I imagine I want it. Someone's going to be willing to lend us money and Cedric has got an estate what a man play that was this is out in five days and the office should be put in

and accepted by then I don't think I'm gonna be living there and having parties well you literally said I'll have a house yeah yeah well if the office been accepted it's my house innit

I'll just go and move in is that house for sale I'd love to move into that, but we've got to be in by Tuesday. Ah, that says they can only work out next Wednesday. Depends if there's a change. How long does it take? It's meant to take about three months.

Oh, that's a fucking nightmare. If there's a change, it takes longer. I've killed the old owner. She's dead. Yeah, that's hard to get her. Yeah. You killed the old owner?

Yeah, yeah. I hope she's not watching this. I don't know where she would be. She's dead. You've. Yeah. You killed the old owner. Yeah, yeah. I hope she's not watching this. I don't know where she would be. She's dead. You've killed her. Please give me your house. But you've never lived with Seneca, have you? We've lived in a different country together,

but we still didn't live together, no. Yeah. We lived separately in a separate apartment. Just, Jake, don't be a disgusting fucking pig. And it probably could be fine. It's Jake's business. No. Jake.

See, that was a good joke. What, Jake? Jake, hi, my name's Jake and I'm moving in with my girlfriend, Jake. I didn't listen to his name. I barely listened to the question. He subverted names, Dan. Yeah, yeah.

One of our best. Are you not worried at all? I know I've sort of asked you this already, that you and Seneca might just like hate each other for a bit no why because we know

how to act around each other and we know what our personal needs are and stuff so obviously there's going to be new why does she use as your flannel

she can have whatever she wants why does my flannel smell of your arse I'm often saying that no but that's the thing you've never lived with her so you don't say it

you might have to start saying, why does my flannel smell like a combination of your bum hole and pussy? Have you been wiping both with my flannel? I don't know about it. How big's a gooch? It's 100 metres. She's got a big gooch.

I mean, you're going to need more than a flannel. You're going to get beached out. She's going to have reasons to moan at you as well. Yeah, because I'm horrible. Yeah, she might be like, why is my flannel? No, you're not. Are you horrible? Are you dirty well yeah because i'm horrible yeah she might be like you're not are you horrible are you dirty and messy i'm i'm messy but like i won't be because i don't want her to shout at me how are you living with girls like what is the thing is though he's

the king of his manner in his head so he doesn't give he doesn't give a fuck what you mean right when me and cedric live together i'll be like i don't want to upset her and i want an easy life so i'll do what i need to do by the way that's not a one way street like laura does things that i find annoying and i'm like could you stop doing that and she's like yeah but what about the things there is there has to be a bit of consideration you when you he pisses in pine classes yeah but you had a you had to have a Romanian man come and pick up your rubbish because you'd been stockpiling crap. Like, how are you when living together? I'm just interested.

I just can't imagine you're an absolute delight. Not as a person, just as a housemate. No. Do you know, it goes back to sort of what I was sort of talking about last week when we were in here pre-patreon record after the live show yeah I

it's 50-50 with me in every relationship in my life I've realised this about myself all I need from my girlfriend from my mates from anyone

is I need to know they would do for me what I would do for them and that sort of flips when it comes to housework, which is... £800 Christmas present, dickhead. Yeah. So it sort of flips...

You're spending 15 grand. It sort of flips when it comes to housework. I will do for you what I see you doing for me. So if you're keeping the house tidy, I'll keep the house tidy. That's what I mean. If you're being a messy twat, I will just add to it. Oh, no, I don't mean that. But, like... No, you're right. That's what I mean. If you're being a messy twat, I will just add to it.

Oh, no, I don't mean that. But like, it's not a conscious thing. I'm naturally a messy person. But if I see someone else put an effort in, then I'll match it. But if someone's leaving their clothes everywhere and kicking the shoes in the living room and then goes, why haven't you moved your shoes?

I'm like, your fucking shoes are fucking there. Like, I'll just match the efforts of the other person. Ah, well, I think that is a very good way to be. Like, living with someone

who's mental about cleanliness is hard work. There is, it tips over. But if you have spent time, it doesn't matter if you're the guy, if you're the fucking girl, if you're in a relationship,

gay relationship, it doesn't matter if one of you is being disrespectful because one of them's tidy and one of them's, and then someone's not giving a shit. That is just going to cause shit, and it's going to cause problems.

So that is actually a smart way to be. If Laura's just cleaned the kitchen and I come in and fuck it up, she gets pissed off. If we're both aware that, like, hang on, that's been tidied recently, maybe I'll just, but yeah, at the same time, if it's a's a mess like i don't want to be the cleaner so i don't sometimes it's good to just be like i'm not arsed today it was it was in in a previous relationship of mine it was part of the reason it started to sort of fall apart like there was a lot of problems there

but like for example one of my ex-girlfriends went on holiday and the house was a little bit messy so before she came back I took two days out of me diary to not to just it wouldn't have took two days but I'm I'm so ADHD and easily distracted I'll start doing the kitchen and then I'll go into the living room to check my phone and I'll realize something in the living room needs tidying but the kitchen isn't finished so i'll be tidying the living room so it takes me longer than it would take a normal person to do some of this stuff so i just went right for those two days i'm doing fuck all but tidying and scrubbing clean this house because i want her to come back from holiday and come back to essentially a palace and then you did you get

rid of some stuff bit of a tip trip? Yeah, just, it was spotless, everything was in its place, I had as much as I could. And then, later that year, I went to the Edinburgh Festival,

and when I came back from the Edinburgh Festival, the house was a shithole, and she was like, I haven't really had time to do stuff, I went and seen me mate yesterday, and two days ago, I was at me mum's, and we were just sort.

I was sitting on your fucking backside. I was like, you'd been on holiday for two weeks and I was like, let's get it on. I'd been away at work doing the most intensive work comedians ever do. Stressed like fuck about finances and everything at the time.

And you couldn't even do half. Don't clean it, but put this shit away like yeah also that's part like i like a good clean my favorite cleaning ever is when laura's not there and i do a job and then at the end of it i want her to come in and go wow like i really like so if i tidy while like the kids are fucking it up i find that super annoying because i want to be i want the when i finish cleaning it's like you know when canton scored a really good goal i get that level of swagger like oh fucking yes and i want laura to go wow oh my god i have to clean and tidy on my own because of the ADHD thing I've just mentioned.

Because if you haven't got that and you don't understand it, it drives other people mental. It looks like you're not doing it. It looks, it just, it's just annoying. Why are you cleaning the living room when you haven't finished the kitchen?

I don't know. I walked into the living room and then started doing this thing because I was just distracted by it. How distracted have you ever got doing this stuff? Have you found yourself like on a walk in a park?

Fixing a car in the garage. Why am I here? Why am I here? Even song. What am I doing? On stage. Somebody doing the drums with the Arctic Monkeys.

Still washing a pot. Sean, I was cleaning the pot. That's some fucking good Drum technique as well One up there Yeah Symbol Oh

Oh Oh Oh here we go Who's gonna rap Yeah Yeah Rapper Yo Alright sorry Yeah So I have to tie down my own Oh, here we go. Who's going to rap? Yeah. Yeah. Rapping. Yo.

All right, sorry. Yeah, so I have to tie down my own. I was rapping. So what are we talking about? Church. Mad. And he needs somewhere he can lock her away as well if she's being misbehaving.

What? Lock the dick away? No, he needs a prison somewhere he can lock her away as well if she's being like misbehaving what lock the dick away no he needs a prison for his girlfriend as well just to add that all I do what I've done is finally buy a house

in your late 30s and then within a year and a half spend another fuck chunk of money on an office and have a separate building that is mine I can't wait for you to see it guys

the NFL's about to start I was about to arrange a oh let's go and eat food at a sports bar and watch the NFL. And then I remembered, I've built that. So it's going to be some NFL happening Sunday nights. Oh, Sunday night.

Fucking love it. Finally, college scholarship. Wag wag. If you had to do a sport at an American college as part of a scholarship, have we asked this question? No. Nope.

Nope. Not that I'm aware of. This is from Harry. They don't do soccer. What would you choose? Have we asked this question? No. I think we've asked this question.

No. No, we haven't. We're very good at that. If you got a college scholarship, I mean, it doesn't really make sense because they only give it to people who are good at sport, but this is like...

Like, what would I go for trials for? You have to, for this weird reason. I don't know what the reason is. It's sort of some like... Money? You know, it's money laundering. You've got entangled with the mafia. The Romanian bin man that came to take your bins

turns out he's part of a fucking rat... Ratic? Racket? Racket. Thanksatic racket racket thanks carl wrong uh i said it wrong say that the romanian ratic ratic he's actually croatian uh you have to go to a college i'd go oklahoma just hang out with the goat i go harvard you go harvard okay cool how did i find that annoying it's the most major i go somewhere where the dead cleverest people go harvard i haven't gotten on the bike i'm going yale locked in um

i'm a harvard you're at oklahoma made my eyes water i'm a brown i'm a sooner you're at brown yeah the african-american university is it i think it's got i think it's got a history of fever but again you don't on the nose if it is but this is the thing we're talking about like getting women on comedy bills maybe carl can be the white guy in brown there's no way that's a that's that's no oh you the i'm not trying to make a shit joke about brown you know i think it has it has affiliation to african-american community yes what's the question because I'm a Harvardier

I'm a Brown and he's a Brown Ryan Fitzpatrick played quarterback at Harvard little known fact so what would you what would you choose

so you've got to try and get away with it they don't do our football golf golf at university? Play golf for half a year? I don't think they have golf courses.

Am I wrong? Do you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if there was golf. A golf scholarship. Yeah. Well, what do they do? They definitely do track and field. We know that.

They do wrestling. They do, because Kane... Lacrosse? Could I do lacrosse definitely yeah they do they do women's football i don't think they do men's football i'd do women's football you do women's football would you shave your beard like she's the man yeah in reverse because you do look a bit hispanic obviously i mean i should everyone i tell you what that new bird, Carlita,

I think she's South American, but fuck me. Sounds like a Scouse man. Hello. Could you do your voice? First day of training. Where am I from? Well, somewhere where your face

passes as a woman's face. So deep as dark as Peru. Oh, hello there. What? He's so really, he's so really plays along with those things. I can't believe

he went, I'm going to do it. Do you know the picture of the person she's saying hello to? What are they doing? That was so surprising. along with those things i can't believe it i'm gonna do it do you know the picture of the person she's saying hello too what are they doing that was so surprising oh wow hello there she just opened the wardrobe and knew it

hello you sound like you like the Chanel the Scouse Paddock hiya there's a pretty girl there oh hello no hiya

hiya lady oh oh this is one for the ladies isn't it this episode this section

oh hello oh I play football I think we should do a show at the Women in Comedy Festival just play this section I play football. I think we should do a show at the Women in Comedy Festival

and just play this section. I play football for the team, Brown. Yeah. So I'm the head coach. What up? Hello. Right. Carlita, is it?

Yes. You're from Peru. Yes. A bit of a... Maybe need to get some... It is a five o'clock shadow. It's half five. What about darts?

Because I did darts at Harvard. Obviously, we'd never get to play there, uni. Yeah. We'd do darts. Yeah, and smoke, yeah. Get it. That's an elite level callback. That is a very good call back

So what Where are all the back Oh yeah man Remember that clip That went final I'm not getting Devin Peterson Yeah

Shout out Yeah What would you do It's not College football It's not that I'd lose a spleen Pretty fucking quickly

I think golf is a great option because even though you're shit at it, being shit at golf means, everyone's like, this guy's a fucking idiot. Being shit at American football means you could be paralysed. It's like, oh, that small receiver's got the ball.

Oh, now he's dead. Because I caught it with, ha ha, fucking Liz! Voodoo linebacker. What about speed skating? I think i could be a decent quarterback but i'd have to wear like high heels speed skate i'm gone i just the image of speed skating on pause yeah it's so pedo and it's speed skating get low get fast as you do that voice yeah all pedophiles should be forced to wear skates

so you can air them yeah yeah so you know who's that rolling over there pedo all pedophiles should be forced

to wear skates instead of being sent to prison that's their punishment no that's their license to wear rollerblades

yeah yeah yeah with a bell well how do you enforce that as a policy? Well, it's just like a tag. You're just not allowed to take them off. So that's when you come out. Yeah, yeah. So you get released on time.

You get rollerblades. Put them on, lad. What we've done there is make paedophiles faster. And more enticing to kids because they've got rollerblades. Just really attractive looking kids hanging around stairs everywhere. It's the only safe place. Or you can't climb stairs in rollerblades.

That's the joke. I'll give you an edit point. Hang on, I'll give you an edit point. There you go. Look at me! Look at me. That's a good catch one. I know I'll receive that.

100% caught that touchdown you look blind I can't hold on I need to do your woman again please can you close this he looks like an agent doesn't he I think I could be a quarterback

but I'm just not tall enough you look like a blind quarterback you look like a blind quarterback you look like a very um when you order jerry mcguire off wish that's just such a famous jerry mcguire what's happening show me your money that is for my film what you have? What? You add me a hello. Yeah. You add me a what's happening. You add me a get on me. Do Carlita.

It's time for the money, cunts. Say get on me, Carlita. Get on me. Say me gan. Me gan. Me gan. Renal me gan. What's happening, guys?

Just before we start this week's episode, I want to let you know, if you love this podcast and you want more of it, Renaud McGann. yourself in return. You can sign up for £3 a month, £5 a month, £10 a month and obviously the more money you give, the more benefits you get. But even if you just sign up for that £3 a month, which is the price of a fancy coffee or a pint and a shit boozer, you get an extra episode every single week, exclusive. No one else gets to see it apart from the

Patreons and you also get 24 to 48 hours early access to the public episodes as well. That's what you get. And on top of all of that you get access to the entire back catal access to the public episodes as well that's what you get and on top of all of that you get access to the entire back catalogue of the patreon episodes we've been doing that for like a year now there's loads of content there there's also the two lockdown lock-ins we did in this room where we got dead drunk they only go on patreon the ones we do in the future of them will only go on patreon if you support us you get shit loads of content for us and you can only get

it at patreon.com slash have a weird pod go sign up now pause it here sign up and then come back to this episode it's gonna be a belter welcome back third section we've got did you make that joke because uh because highland's part german uh no was it a joke i don't think it was like it was just like a weird thing he was trying to make me laugh he does it all the time before you didn't no because it was really silent it was awkward because compared you've no what's this podcast We do fine with the silences, mate. How are you? I'm good, thank you. Apart from that shit intro. Just say, welcome to the podcast.

Don't say anything anti-Semitic. It wasn't an intro. What was it? It wasn't on the pod. I haven't pressed record. I haven't pressed record. No, I've said it. Oh.

Yeah. Oh, shit. So just before I press it, say something to try and make him laugh okay but you were like did you just start this section by going don't say anything it was almost yeah okay so there's been no accusations against helen just want to make clear that i don't need to start this section by going don't say anything because it's kind of my job okay okay can we like i want

to redo it but i want to try and make adam laugh okay go on okay ready um oh yeah okay wait nudity cut here what nudity wise where's no i'm joking no i'll think of something okay you're just gonna whip it i think a tit would have been a great choice but if i thought about it now so i've ruined it for myself so you ready guys we're gonna start again in three two one um that was it wow you've podcasted before i could listen to this before i'm not very good at my feet i'm not you're sitting down i couldn't yeah no i know i'm sitting down obviously i'm aware that i'm sitting down. I just wasn't very good like thinking on my feet just then. Did you laugh though?

Yeah, I did. I feel like, right? I did. I think it's bold to go. I think through doing comedy for 11 years, I've become desensitized to even the highest levels of humor. Which that was that. Yeah.

I genuinely believe I'm about like five years away from the whole comedy industry, like figuring out that I'm not funny. I'm just loud and I make noises. The amount of my punchlines that are just a noise because I don't know how to finish it is insane. But I really hope everyone figures it out on the same day. How have we not worked together? That got me through about 17 years of my career.

Right? This isn't funny. Do it in a black American voice. I'm not doing that. I'm just making a noise, a general noise. Do you not do accents on stage? I don't think I have done accents on stage,

but I can't really do accents. Can you not? I mean, I can do yours. Go on. Oh, I'm Adam Rue. Like, what the fuck? No? It's not the worst.

One cover word. That's pretty good. Okay. Right. Any other accents? Can you do a twangy Lancastrian like mine? Is that a Lancastrian accent? See, I wouldn't even have known that.

Really? He spends a long time in Rio de Janeiro, so you can hear that as well. Yeah, apart from my growing up in Brazil. See, this is a thing. Mainly Preston. Do you ever feel like you're hanging out with a group of lads from school

that you've never hung out with properly before, and they've all got in-jokes, and you're not part of them. This is what this feels like. Oh no, we want to be- That's the truth. He lived in Rio de Janeiro from the ages of seven to 30.

Okay, right, bullshit. I see it. Fucking hell. This is going to be so stressful. No, no, no, it's fine. Can you do a German accent? It's just he wasn't in Rio until 96 when he was-

I'm an old guy. Helen is half German. I feel like I'm the thickest person in the world right now. No, you're not. I think I... Do the noise. I basically only just found out recently that I was bullied at school. So now I'm like super sensitive about it.

You only found out recently you were bullied at school? Yeah, like about a month ago now. In German school? No. I went to school here. I'm from Fleet in North East Hampshire. You know, the service station on the N3. There's a town just behind the Burger King.

I'm from there. And when you're from a small town, it's actually really, really sick. It's fucking lush there. And when you're from a small town, like you're friends with your friends from like ages like zero all the way up to 18. And I thought school was great and I loved it.

And all we ever do is talk about school now because all we have in common because they're like basic as fuck. So we were like chatting about school and then they all said that i needed to readjust it because i thought i was doing a joke because i didn't have a good time at school i was bullied the entire time and i was too thick to notice wow they're still going so did they bully you in the first place these guys no apparently it was the rest of the school not them it does sound like something that they would say though doesn't it that wasn't us it was the rest of the school not them it does sound like something that they would say though doesn't it that wasn't us it was the rest of the school but then how sick was i to not be able to pick up on the fact the whole school was bullying me oh well how nice was the countess bullying if you don't

know i don't know i think i was like i thought we were laughing together they'd be like fuck you fat helen i'd be like banter that's quite obvious fuck you fat Helen we've all got nicknames this is gorgeous John this is beautiful Mary and you're fat Helen and then me

gorgeous John and beautiful Mary she had a nice fanny. Gorgeous John in school. What the fuck's gorgeous John? Under pressure, Adam had to think of two nicknames. I didn't even go gorgeous George. Gorgeous John and beautiful Mary.

I love gorgeous John and beautiful Mary sound lush. Oh, and Snatch, gorgeous George. You're right, actually. My friends were like, Anna, we called her the most fuckable teenager of all time were like, Anna, we called her like the most fuckable teenager of all time, which sounds weird now as an adult to say fuckable teenager, but you know when you're a teenager

and there's another teenager that's fuckable. So you got bullied and she got abused. No, wait, I think we all got abused. Yeah, it's fine being the most fuckable teenager as long as it's not the teachers that are giving you the nickname, is it? That's, I don't know what fleet was like, but it sounds pretty edgy.

As long as she wasn't given like a rosette at the end of the year wait i was given a rosette i was given the most likely to become president which doesn't make sense because we were in england but like and everyone was like oh look at stupid fat helen going up to get her medal and i was like I'm the queen of the people like just she's going to be the president someday and I'm like I made it I made it have you again

also I breathe through my mouth and I think everyone was like they weren't very nice to you about that mouth breathing thing and I was like no everyone thought it was really funny

because I was like and they were like no no it wasn't good but maybe yeah I live in a very idealistic world. Does everyone breathe through the mouth?

I've never met you before. No, people use their nose. No, we've both fucked up noses. Yeah. What, you both do? Yeah. Are you a mouth breather? Yeah.

Yes, what's this whole thing about being a mouth breather? It's a medical condition. Have some fucking respect. No, but I mean, you have to do it. I'm on your side. Don't raise your hands at a woman in comedy. Fucking chill out for a second. Fucking screaming at me.

In her workplace. In my workplace. Could you tell I didn't sleep last night and I'm on my period? Hello? Sorry. I think he's on your side. He's on your side. Oh, thank you.

I think she was doing a joke because she knew I was on her side. No, I didn't. This is it. I don't understand. I don't understand. I've got thicker as well over the years. You've really got to tune in. I'm fuckable, understand. I've like, I've got thicker as well. Like over the years. You really gotta tune in.

I'm fuckable Dan. This is gorgeous Adam. Gorgeous John. I'm gonna call him gorgeous John. Gorgeous John. Whiff it all. Rapey Finn. Is he listening?

No. No. You know what? I was in his car earlier. Really? Did he get sexual? No, just didn't feel safe. And then literally, like not to be this girl girl but like literally got here and i was like oh i'm going to leeds this weekend just so he knows that like i'm not available and then he's like oh i'm

going to leeds festival and it's like oh finn fuck off do you know what i mean like he was gonna follow you there or something you know what i would have bullied me at school i'm not hearing myself now and i'm like i don't like me either actually i love it how you've come in here and we've started bullying finn that's how it's the bully is the bullied the bullied becomes the bully oh my god the bully believe yeah kagito air goes dream bully achieve oh i've got that on my wall. Dream, bully, achieve. Oh, no, believe. Dream, bully, achieve. You've got Carpe Diem on your wall. Not Carpe Diem, Dream, Believe, Achieve.

Oh. Do you think Carpe Diem stands for Dream, Believe, Achieve? No, I thought when he said Carpe Diem, he said I've got Carpe Diem on my wall. No, but it is. That's just as bad. Carpe Diem is roughly like shoot for the stars and miss and landing. Carpe Diem is basically get out of bed, smash it, have some tea. I've got this kitchen is for dancing.

And we've got that in the dining room. My old housemate, she had a framed Taylor Swift quote. This is Darling, I'm a nightmare, dress like a daydream. She's got three mermaid blankets. So I was like, what the fuck's that about? And she cried. It was awful. It was awful.

She also put up a sign during lockdown saying, today is a good day for a good day i pointed out we both had depression she cried again one of my best friends from school oh my god i'm the bully yes full circle this is a really bad day for me i'm gonna have a rough gig later do you have any more quotes on your walls any more words yeah do you have so lots yeah a meal without wine is called breakfast like i'm also on basics so like yeah yeah because i always think quotes on posters the ones you can get at b&m and home bargains are the best ones aren't they because they're like you know yeah i want my quotes are in black glittery graphics i think it's classy isn't it

it is that's how people know yeah it's something to read draft that one that we've got it's quite a common one pasty pasty salt and pepper chicken come ass come suck me dick suck me dick tits pasties chips that's in b&m yeah no car that's from wilco that's not because i go to wilco's about once a week and i would have seen that in there. Yeah, you would. You might have done it. Is that a quote, or is that just like... Yeah, yeah, that was...

Marilyn Monroe said that when she won the Oscar for Best Actress in 1969. That's all she said. Wow. Are you laughing because you said 69? No. Quite a few years after her death. Because I reckon I probably got a year

that she might have won one. She was dead. I don't think she won an Oscar, did she? She she won the oscar for best actress and best soundtrack because she wrote all the music to the first charlie chaplin music movie did you start crying when you said that so so passionate about marilyn monroe's career actually helen she did she was she was an artist and not respected. It's my truth. Yeah, Adam actually wrote the original. Adam, Adam enjoying his own bullshit.

Starts enjoying himself so much. He started breathing badly and then cries a little bit. It's great. And that's how you know the lies coming. Cause he starts going. She wanna ask. When did she die? 62.

Yeah, my films took a lot longer To make back then She was only in the first half What was it? Delayed the release Yeah So it came out in 69 So she won it posthumously And she was on stage

Saying pasty pasty Salt and pepper Oh my god Oh my You are loving this Way too You can't breathe They got

They got the mouth And that's what they made us say It malfunctioned it sounds like you're having a panic attack you know you know in like drama gcse yeah put in groups and you get a stimulus like rwanda or something we definitely got rwanda once and we did a still image like power but we're all white kids it was really wrong it was fucking

horrendous and um we we uh well i chose our stimulus for our group and i chose death because i was 16 and i'd really met the devil and uh i wanted us to do death throughout the ages we did a shakespeare death and we did what was the next one um shakespeare death we did plague everyone death everyone death all okay, yeah. And I think there's an extract from a play called Roses of Ian. Then, I know it was. I chose it, yeah, yeah. I think it was.

I know for a definite fact it was. And then we did a war death. You started the plague. Yeah. Who's Ian? Ian Plague. Keep going. Be respectful of my show, please.

Yeah. This is her art. I don't know the title of it. Roses of Ian, I think. Oh. I think it's a village where they got the plague and they closed themselves in and all died. I thought it was Roses of Eam. Very beautiful.

In Derbyshire. I don't know. And then we did Marilyn Monroe and I played Marilyn Monroe, but the drama teacher didn't like me. She hated me. So she would just yell at me when we were rehearsing it, being like, try and walk like a woman, Helen. Oh my God. Try and walk like a woman. And I couldn't do it, but she only hated me because she would just yell at me when we were rehearsing it being like try and walk like a woman helen oh my god try and walk like a woman and i couldn't do it but she only hated me because she didn't let me in the school play in year 11 because i knew that she was

fucking mr metcalf the geography teacher which she was and i told everyone but then i was the asshole but i was the kid but yeah i played that you were a bit of an asshole no because she was mean to me before that yeah i felt like she didn't like me yeah yeah walk like a woman helen walk like a woman in front of the whole and i was like what were you doing cool popular helen walking just walking i have a womanly walk yeah i just no i don't think i do i think it's because because i because i breathe through my mouth as i'm walking can you please show us like a lady like a lady so i'm like standing which is like a toxic one yeah so i'm like walking like breathing through my mouth it's

i was also like so i'm six one now very emasculating and then i am Helen we need we need a bit more of this on mic I can't hear you go on there you go okay I'm six one so I'd walk along with my mouth open in school with my Nike drawstring backpack which I put little strunchies around so it couldn't fall through and then i would try and hold like something like cute like a bag of minstrels because then people would be like she's got a funny machine and then i'd walk along with my mouth wide open like and then they'd be like oh we love helen there go stupid fat helen and i'd be like, oh, we love Helen. There goes stupid fat Helen. And I'd be like, we're all on the same page. And then, yeah, then I found out I was bullied 14 years later. This is my life. It does sound like you were bullying some people as well, though.

Who? Mrs. Horner? And the other children. How? They got roles in the play about death as well. Oh. It wasn't like just an like a 10 minute production of me doing death like we all got to play different things cool i just and did you not

take your acting career any further oh yeah are you still acting now are you still doing acting on the side of stand-up no but i want to do some more what would be your dream role the dream acting role uh-huh oh Oh, my God. It would definitely... Well, this is something that would never happen because I can't sing, but it would definitely be, like, a musical theatre Western production.

Oh, Jesus. Please don't. It's fucking massive. Wait, are you not musical theatre fans? Not all of us, but someone here is. I don't know. Adam's into it, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, you already knew that? We're not all into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've heard it out before, yeah. Yeah. Cool. Oh, you already knew that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've heard it out before. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. How can a bastard or the son of a whore and a Scotsman dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean?

No, why are you not loving this? Go up to be a hero and a Scotsman. Oh, my God. Alexander Hamilton. I'm the first gay president of this Canada and United States. I'm Botswana. I love to rap because I'm Alexander Hamilton. I invented the light bulb and lube

because I'm the fourth gay president of these United States of Canada. Yeah, that one. I love that one. I like that one. Do you ever worry you'll die alone, Dan? I've got a wife and two kids. I would love the peace and quiet of dying alone. I'm telling you right now.

You'll get it. I'm on the way. Dan hasn't seen Hamilton and he doesn't like how much I talk about it. Finn likes it as well. It's flawless, isn't it? It's so great. Have you watched it on Disney Plus?

Have you gone to see it in London? Flawless. May do it. It's great. It's so good. Ptts, ptts. I'm Alexander Hamilton. Rapping so good. I'm Alexander Hamilton. Rapping about history.

I'm rapping about history. Who are you? Thomas Edison? You're the second. They do say Thomas Edison in the lyrics. They do. Because he's the second gay president of the United States. Of Canada.

Vivo. Moana. Can you do this for any musical? Perfect. Oh my God, wah, wah, wah. Vivo. Can you do this for any musical? Perfect. Oh my God, please do Moana now. No, because I like that one. Make way, make way. Moana, it's time you knew. The village of Motonu is all you need.

Oh my God, that was so beautiful. Thanks, thanks, thanks. I would like to play Aaron Bear. And suck my fat fucking balls You'd be great at that You'd be great at that Dear Theodosia Yeah

Me and Jordan Brooks Just did that And Akasha Back from Green Man Festival We did it three times It was amazing It's actually And listen

You're not gonna like this After that It's my least favourite song In the whole musical My favourite one though Is Wait For It Which is why I wanna play him Very nice do you agree

no it's good it's good it's good i really like dear theodosia but i guess it's because i've got a more sensitive soul yeah it's because you know i think that song was written for for people like you who don't really understand the rest of the musical yeah i'm gonna give some feedback on eBay I was trying to make my old housemate cry the other day so I was sending her do you know Wicked? musical with Idina Menzel and Kristen Chenoweth

and they played the original Elphaba and Glinda and I found a video of them performing for good to each other for the last time on Broadway someone filmed it on their phone and I was like this song is basically about us, this means so much and I sent it to her and filmed it on their phone and I was like this song is basically about us this means so much and I sent it to her and she didn't cry once

but I was like this will get her this will get her because she's left me now is Wicked the Witch of the West it's about both witches oh is it about both witches yeah yeah yeah

it's her origin story do you not watch any musicals no I'm just I don't like performers that act and then sing too quickly in the same sort of space. But you just performed and then started singing. No, that's animation.

I've told Adam why I hate musicals, because he could just say it. Well, I can't. But why would they not sing it if they can sing? What do you mean? Like, you can just say it, but if you can sing, why wouldn't you sing it? Because it's going gonna fuck up the shakespeare production that you're pointing on because shakespeare wrote so many musicals no i mean exactly aren't you saying that everything should be sung no only singers

should sing everything okay so like if you're a singer you should always sing right no yeah i i agree with you. It's just when I'm watching it, it takes like four minutes to say like, let's go. But have you been to see one? A musical? Yeah. Yes. Which one?

I went to see the School of Rock. Oh, great. Okay. Yeah. Fair play. I always think people are slagging things off when they haven't seen it. But you've seen it. So the Phantom of the Opera as well.

How good is that? On Broadway. Shut up. How was it? Amazing. I love Phantom love what i can't get me i drowned what i don't like i think i said this to you lost another one is uh you know you see a film yeah and have you seen in the heights the film no right so it's a musical yeah but it's a film and then they're talking and then they're singing but it's people and i don't like that i

can deal with it on stage but in a film i'm like no no no one or the other here or be a cartoon or lion king they talk a bit they sing a bit it's a kid's film you sort of go out they're singing now but it's cartoons fine i think it depends on the music they've got a good intro into it like when the music starts halfway through them speaking and then it switches i think it's great do you know what i mean like but then disney's different as well can i have a cup of tea can i have a cup like no just go it gives me a cup of tea what musical is that in also mamma mia is flawless as a film i haven't seen that many you would fucking love it you would i'm telling you right now if he gets into mamma mia as much as he's into hamilton i'm stopping the pod i'm would i'm telling you right now if he gets into mamma mia as much as he's into hamilton i'm stopping the pod i'm out i'm out you can see it i'm out but i can guarantee

you he won't get into it more than he's into hamilton it's good it's not hamilton you know why i call bullshit on myself okay because the book of mormon is one of the best things i've ever seen it's amazing it's amazing but i'm into that because it's cool to be into that you know like so you're saying that we're not cool I can't wait for you to actually say it you know

what Hamilton I know I'm losing out but I'm so I can't do it now because as I enjoyed it I'd be like

fuck Adam that's how there'd be a tear towards the end like oh my god he was the fourth gay president of these United States of Canada your toxic masculinity which is like stopping you being able to enjoy these wonderful musical extravaganzas I will raise my fucking hand wherever I want

this is my workspace I just feel I feel and that's your truth that's my truth That you need to open your horizons And go to a musical You're right But to call me the masculine one here Masculine I'm the alpha in this room We're all fully aware of that I'm definitely not

But there's something about musicals That make me cringe Is that because you had like a traumatic experience I did a bit of I did a bit of drama in my youth so what plays were you in growing up

I just I did some I didn't do a lot of musical theatre we did we wanted you're folding your arms now you're panicking

don't worry don't worry don't look at everyone else just me and you just take the Pied Piper I had to do a dance in the Pied Piper

it was awful a dance we had to dance choreographed dance is worse than singing does that exist as a video no it fucking does i hope not what age were you older like inter girls old enough that i should have been like what we're doing here 15 15 and how did that make you feel I think I was the Pied Piper the one who chases kids what I'm right there that's the Pied Piper

he gets he gets the kids to chase him it's the rats totally different thing have you never seen it it's kids in it it's the rats it's rats

yeah who's kids then what what story were you told what am I thinking of there is no there is kids involved. They don't pay for the rat catch.

I can't believe we're getting confused about the Pied Piper. They don't pay. What's amazing is how passionate you still are about it. Many years after your performance. I just wanted to kiss theatre girls. They don't pay the Pied Piper. Oh, so we take all the kids. To get rid of the rats.

So I think he gets the kids. That's true. I think that's right. And he takes them to Pied Piper. Oh, so he takes all the kids. For getting rid of the rats. So I think he gets the kids. That's true. I think that's right. And he takes them to Pedo Island. Told you. On a boat. Yeah. But what does it say about you that the only thing you remember from that musical is that he goes off with loads of kids?

Like, that's also weird for you, no? Oh my god, point Helena. I'm really enjoying Helena. I'm defending you now. Thank you. The joke was you played the pie piper the running joke of you and kids i just tied it together so you can all follow is that a running joke yeah you got a running pedo gag is this the podcast a running 40 episodes in fucking let's do

it let's talk about toddlers and pedophilia but not to music is that fair just be a straight serious pedophile i don't need musical pedophilia don but not to music. Is that fair? Just be a straight, serious paedophile. I don't need musical paedophilia. Don't fucking discriminate. I think there is a lot of paedophilia within the musical theatre art world. I imagine there would be. Yeah.

Well, there's a lot of children working in it as well. Yeah. Matilda, Oliver, to list a few. And they are the Stockholm Syndrome. Please, sir. Annie. I want some more. Philip. Hamilton. Okay, yeah, you won't let us play by an adult. Yeah. the Stockholm please sir Annie I want some more awful Philip

Hamilton okay yeah he was played by an adult yeah he's still a kid did you just mention a child from Hamilton who's played by an adult

fam daddy daddy look my name is Philip I am a poet I wrote this poem just to show it and I just turned nine

you can write rhymes but you can't write mine why I'm like Well, just to show it. And I just turned nine. You can write rhymes, but you can't write my rhymes. I'm like, so both musical paedophiles. I'm musical theatre till I die. I dreamed of being in a musical when I was younger so badly. And my school, you know, like you've got like budgets in schools, like how much you can spend on extracurricular stuff. I didn't think they had enough money to buy like the rights to a big musical so they bought the rights to big al the musical of al capone's life i played his accountant who obviously fucked it all up to

end up in alcatraz and basically it was just like me and like 60 other like middle-class kids from behind the service station or being like we're in alcatraz and we're mad gangsters and it was incredible do you remember one of the numbers it's a new world oh no wait this is the best one this is on my instagram somewhere and um we all had to go to the front of the stage and the lyrics were chicago chicago city full of sluts and wealthy jerks yeah can you send me that video so i can put it in 100 it's really good i'm very good in it you don't have to do it now rosie jones just called should i do it now should we call rosie back rosie knows about it rosie you got to get her on the podcast you want to to talk about fucking stuff and drama so i did death as my stimulus for gcse rosie um was like which is also like a big personality like me she was in charge of our gcse drama group and she chose a topic of bulimia and her and six of her

friends pretended to puke in their drama studio at school whilst listening to sean kingston beautiful girls yes now that sounds way more like A-level, like, we're going to do it about issue. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How good is that? It's very Legs Akimbo, isn't it?

Like, yeah, everybody out. Kids are suffering with bulimia. We're sick of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was our school. Weird.

No. If you don't do drama at school, you must have done. No, I did drama out of school voluntarily for two weeks until they mentioned money um i think our school was we i was in the school nativity play what'd you play i played the innkeeper and i was the only one with a speaking part the only one have i not told this story yeah you have it's I want to hear it again okay

so I the only speaking part I was the innkeeper this can't be the only speaking part though there was one speaking part it was narrated by the the teacher at the nursery

that's really offensive to me teachers trained trained for several years did their PGCE like massive sort of like commitment to the children

teachers childcare professional some random whore who showed up and screamed think Adam really think you're embarrassing yourself

she's the right in here and then Mary so we knew in advance that I was the only speaking part so my dad was filming it he's on the front row

and he'd sort of I remember it it's a weird sort of like flashbulb memory I can see it really clearly in my head I remember him going to me just get the line like flashbulb memory. I can see it really clearly in my head. I remember him going to me, just get the line out. Once you've done that, you can relax then.

The rest of it is just get that out and you're sorted. So she goes, and Mary and Joseph went to the inn and they asked for a room. And the innkeeper said, and I went, no room, go away. And then looked right down my dad's camera and went, I did it! Why was no one else talking? Was it like a special needs school? Like everyone was just like deaf, like non-verbal or something.

It's okay if you are specialist i'm just genuinely curious somebody else opened up the subject so i think we can run with it i i honestly don't know you know how helen only just realized she's been bullied if you only just realize your special needs no room go away you would have been told by now it was just a normal nursery but i think they were just like let let's just like... You were the confident one. We're all three years old. Don't get angry.

Don't get angry. Get them like 403, you know. To a whole floor. What a whole floor. Fuck. Is that a fucking aircraft? What normal nursery school is 403 year olds trying to do one story of immaculate conception? It sounds like a battery farm.

Yeah, don't worry about it. It used to be a fucking quicksave, but we've opened it up. All the bad wire. There's no sharp edges. We just let them in there. Just handle them, just running around

and bashing heads with each other. Don't worry, Mrs. Ro. There's 399 in the other twats. They look like cunt-tellers. 103. Just the nursery teacher. Gorgeous John! In the nativity as well.

They know to shit in the corner they know which one's the shitting corner there was only like 20 of us or whatever that had the part but you know there was hundreds in like the choir

and whatever one of the biggest productions in the north west ever your mental image of this it sounds like the gorillas live yeah yeah yeah and there was Damon Albarn

and we all sang I will always love you at the end 7 000 people yeah whitney houston it's well he's done what at the end i will always love you by whitney houston at the end of the nativity jesus sings it in the cause some of the things you lot say are so scoffed it's phenomenal right at the end of this very Is that how they end the nativity? Jesus sings it? In the cot? Some of the things you lot say are so scoffed. It's phenomenal.

Right. At the end of this very religious service, we're going to fucking... This one's for Mariah. She's not even dead. She's dead inside. Mariah. But yeah.

So there was... Getting the entire nursery full of kids But I ain't kidding. But yeah, so there was, getting the entire nursery full of kids, I don't know, I didn't count them. 400 was an estimate. But a large one. Getting a lot of them to all lane lines was going to be, like, can you imagine how shit that play would have been? And they were like, fuck all that effort.

We'll just give the star one line and then we'll give everyone else, I'll just narrate it. So you're the star in that then? Yeah. I got the poster. It was Adam Rowe as the innkeeper. He is the protagonist in the story.

There's not really any good lines in the chivalry, are there? As Mary. You can get a good song, but not a good line. What do the kings say? What is? Oh, I've brought you my... What is here? Some presents, lad.

Happy Christmas. Well, they just narrated it. And the kings brought gold, frankincense, and... Frankincense? Look, he's having the best day of his life. Let him be. Frankincense. Gold, frankincense gold frankincense and fucking

a pair of 110s there you go kid were you the innkeeper as well dad what were you an innkeeper as well you both have that vibe that you could pull it off i i did a i did a lot of uh uh i'm dram i did a lot of youth drama yeah yeah so i, yeah. So I did, you know. Were you ever the lead? I was in Adrian Mole. I was the friend. I was in Blood Brothers. Who were you in Blood Brothers? The poor one.

The lad? Yeah, it was Eddie. Oh my God. This is like my fantasy is three lads discussing Blood Brothers and knowing the names of the characters. This is genuinely a turn on for a lot of people choose on the table this is a musical so you are into it yeah it's called yeah we just studied blood brothers at school oh no we didn't do we did it as a play we didn't do a musical one oh you didn't do the musical one it's a play isn't it yeah I thought it was a play as well you're my fucking brother

get on me go away it's actually they turned it into a musical and it had Mel C in it for years yeah

don't put your one terms on the table did she play Eddie Mel's just the one with the separation of the birth and you've got an amulet and then they get together

and like no we did it you've got an amulet you get half of the medallion each. We did the Scouse version of it. We had two halves of a Forever Friendship bracelet. Lad.

No, it's one 110 each. Right. We were on a proper budget in our school. You got half of a Mars duo each. At the end, you had to put it in a packet and make sure it fit. Get on me. Go away.

You went to the blue coat I went to Heenan You look like my dad And my mum's a slag Does someone die at the end of that? Spoilers That's where there's The best That's Jolmstown What?

We just mixed up Jolmstown Massacre With Blood Brothers Do you What's the end of Blood Brothers Do you all have a drink And it's got poison in it

That's Jolmstown That's the Kool-Aid Don't drink the Kool-Aid No their production Was set in Hitler's bunker Berlin 1945 Dying of blood Blooders Anyway You speak German Ludwig Their production was set in Hitler's bunker. Berlin, 1945. Deine Blutblut!

Anyway, you speak German. Blutbrüden. Blutbrüden. So you're not German. You're just half German or you just speak German. Come on, Ellen. No, it's a bit complicated. My dad's English, but his family came from Germany,

which is fun, but then not lol if you figure out the dates. Okay. Okay. No, but they were already, my family's clean. We're clean as shit. They'd already moved over here during the world wars. So we're like, we're, we're clean. The more you say you're clean as a German,

the more fucking dirty it sounds like your family were. But like, we're good. The only, the only thing we have is that we didn't change our surname to like an english name all right okay i mean you also look like hitler's dream dankerschen yeah but bauer bauer you know bauer yeah bauer's a super german surname but no but i i think i think if you come over here and you're like okay okay, we're, the war's obviously kicked off. Probably a lot of anti-German sentiment. Bauer is passable,

isn't it? Whereas like, if you came over and you were like, hello, my name is Helen Schweinsteiger. I think, I think that needs a change,

doesn't it? Schweinsteiger, you're definitely not from like, which side of Rotherham are you from? I'm from the Schweinsteiger side. But Bauer is a German name, but then people change it

to B-O-W-E-R, so they wouldn't get caught out being German. Yeah, yeahiger But then people Change it to B-O-W-E-R So they wouldn't get Caught up being German Yeah yeah But my grandparents Kept it Just in case You know You never know

Who's going to win Yeah you never know What part of Germany Do I want to work Out the football team Well I don't I'm not into football What part of Germany

Where my family are from Well my dad's mum Austrian And then my dad's dad Southern Germany Like Bavaria area But I've only lived In Berlin Yeah I just I'm sorry No, my family are from. Well, my dad's mum, Austrian, and then my dad's dad, southern Germany, like Bavaria area. But I've only lived in Berlin. Yeah, I just, I'm sorry.

I just don't, I'm not a football person. You started comedy in Germany, didn't you? I'm sorry. Yeah, I did, yeah. Sorry, what? When I was living in Berlin is when I started doing stand-up. I was a waitress.

So you moved back to Germany because you knew a language and you were fucking about and then... No, I went, I was raised in the UK. I knew a bit of German, like through my family. Learned some at school as well. But like I could speak it. I couldn't really read or write it, but I could speak it well.

And then moved to Germany because I was... How old were you, Helen? Sorry. I was 22. But I had a really good reason for moving because have you both had your heart broken? Yeah. Yeah. So I was 22, heartbreak, and like we all comics, so I lent into the pain of it.

I was like, let's make this the most painful, tragic, movie-style heartbreak of all time because we're self-harmers by nature. And I thought I would move country and then he'd realise how much he missed me and come and get me or get me to come back. But he got a girlfriend. Mad, isn't he? In fleet. No, no, no no in london and then i had to stay there or i'd look like a freak so i had to live there for like three years

just to prove a point like a psychopath i love helen so i stayed there and then in my last year there i started in stand-up. Wow. So in Berlin. Yeah. How's the comedy scene? It's really good. Is it? Everyone always thinks it's going to be shit. There's like a stereotype, isn't there, about like, oh, German comedy.

It's fucking amazing. We've been to stand-up comedy. I didn't go. Oh, didn't you? No, I wasn't there. What were you doing? Yeah, what were you doing? I was elsewhere, probably making sure Davey Ash wasn't throwing himself in the ground. This is an English,

this is a German speaking comedy club. No, there's loads of English nights. I did do German speaking when I was there a bit, but I mainly did English language comedy. Oh, I would love to gig in Berlin. It was great. I can hook you up with gigs. Nice job.

Oh my God. Next year. I'm not going back to Berlin. We've been twice. I'm going to at least one of the cities. We're going to Krakow And then we go to Berlin Why are you going to Krakow?

Why not? Because we haven't been there I went to Berlin So The main The main Like sites of Krakow Are Amber Market

And Auschwitz Yeah but we're clean We're clean as well The beer is like ACP a beer That's where we're going Yeah Okay well

So is Tesco Yeah but you can't You haven't got the weather do you ever go on holiday yeah i go on holiday why just i don't know for instagram posts also my wife's not gonna be all right if i like we're going for a boys weekend in tesco so it needs to be just needs a bit more well berlin is sick and the comedy scene says great and i think it's just like a best scene to start on like i know you guys have all english-speaking germans or is there a uk comics over there what's who's what's the scene made up there was like maybe four or five british people maybe when i first started and then there was like mostly germans lots of polish people um

and then obviously like of Middle Eastern Turkish people Yeah they've got a massive Turkish Yeah yeah yeah So I did comedy in Oslo it's one of my favourite things that I've done in stand up

it was great we did The Ladder in Oslo which is a huge purpose built comedy theatre with a club bit and they do the whole show

in Norwegian compare all the acts and then you just go on and then me and Sean McLaughlin go on and it was like literally like Manchester compare all the acts and then me and sean mclaughlin go and it was like literally like manchester

well that's me i don't know yeah yeah i actually learned what the intro was this guy hates some musical pedophiles but uh if you do it straight you know know, just speaking. Was it amazing? It wasn't jarring that you were like changing languages? Yeah, I didn't walk out like, thanks very much. Thank you. I went, what the fuck? Because this is how it felt. That's genuinely how it felt. I know this is a dodgy Norwegian, but they're white in my head.

They're white in my head. They're white in my head. They're white in my head. They're white in my head. They're white in my head. They hear the hood, they hear that, and they hear the letter, and they hear the Oslo, and they hear that East York, Manchester, they hear that, and they hear that.

And I'm like, thank you. And everyone's like, and all you've heard all night is, they hear that, they hear that, and then you walk out,

hello, and they're like, hello. The whole gig just switches to English, and they're like, of course, we speak English as well.

See, because I'm in their land, I'd have felt like i would have had to try and just guess some just go on and give it a go yeah like listen to the other comics try and get a gist of it get the sound of it yeah go on then yeah do um well i can't because i haven't listened to a night of comedy you did just that wasn't real was it it felt real it felt like you were committed and i haven't got any context on me. So I would have to listen, I'd listen to the whole night very intently. And then,

when I go on. That's how you learn a language to performance level. Could we not do that with you then? Could we not take you to Germany and then you do that in German? Oh yeah. Adam Rowe.

I can do German. Adam Rowe's new show. Tschüss. Tschüss. Tschüss. Wow, really bad at it Really bad Yours was like funny and good And it felt like Norwegian

I know some German Get out my fucking house Yeah get out my fucking house No just go straight ahead That's rat house Do you want a burger Guess what Do you want a burger straight ahead that's where the rat lives do you want a burger guess what the Jugendherr Burger is

do you want a burger that's right that's where the rat lives well it's like a town hall but debating hall Helen couldn't have that could you say some more German to me let me try and guess what it means

just a word or a name of something I love that. It's like, oh no actually. Could you say some more German to me and let me try and guess what it means. It was. No, just a word or a name of something. Okay, salt, pepper, and henschen. Salt, pepper, on me chicken. Okay, yeah, good. I'm literally just reading your sign and translating it. Was that right? No, yeah, it was.

Salt, pepper, and- And it's a piece of piss. It is, it sounds good. It's an easy language piss It is It sounds good It's an easy language Give him another one Helen don't make him win Okay Do you wish you could see my asshole

I knew you were going to say that Kind of close What was it? You are a serious asshole What? What? You're basically German. I'm basically German,

but what I'm saying is my Norway plan doesn't sound so fucking stupid anymore. Yeah, but you see, it's different if there's 250 paid comedy punters and you just walk out and go, get on me lid. Oh, I'm not in Denmark. And he's doing this.

Right, I was doing Danish. You're very good, Adam. You've got a good ear for things He's a good comic So you get like a good ear for things No he's taking the piss And managing to be right somehow That's what he's doing Do you think

Can you give him another one It's not flying It's falling with style Give him one more Something like That doesn't I'm trying to think of anything That doesn't sound English

Why What's library What's Bibliotech Yeah do's... Bibliotech. Can I do library? Library. Bibliotech. That's pointless.

Because it sounds just like you could guess at that. Okay. Come on, Helen. Apotheca. Cup of tea? No. Pharmacy. That sounds weird.

Apothecary. Yeah. Damn it. Apotheca. They all sound like something yeah it's language you know i'm gonna think sums it up as he always does it's a language boss it sounds from your mouth i'm late for the boost you know what i meant is it yeah boost Booth in Welsh as well. Yeah. What's Microwave?

Microwavella. You said lazy. What's Microwave in Welsh? Pop the ping. Yep. Yeah, it is. And that's why we own them. Let's have a little break.

A little advice. That was one of my favourite sections we've ever done. Can what's get on me? Could you have that in German. Can, what's, get on me. Could you have that in German? Like, get on me. Get on me. I need that in German, those three words. Bitte aufmisch. Bitte aufmisch?

Yeah, aufmisch. Aufmisch. Bitte aufmisch. You wouldn't say it. No, I know. But if you were Scouse German, you would. Bitte aufmisch. You know there's a disturbance in the force

when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally. But Manscaped have dropped a new ad. It's important. We love these guys. They've supported us. So support them. This ultimate package includes the amazing lawnmower 4.0.

Manscaped, the leaders in male grooming, have done it again. Two million men worldwide that trust Manscaped with the new Performance Package 4.0. By going to manscaped.com, use the code WORD20 for 20% off and free shipping. That's specific to the lids to this podcast. Inside this package, you'll find the Lawn Mower 4.0 trimmer, weed whacker, ear and nose hair trimmer, crop preserver ball deodorant, crop reviver toner, performance boxer briefs, and a travel bag to hold all your goodies. First off, the new Performance Package 4.0

includes the new lawnmower. This trimmer is insane, and I dare say the greatest ball trimmer ever. Their fourth generation trimmer features a cutting edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents, thanks to their advanced skin safe technology. It also has this amazing LED light.

So if you're a maverick and you shave your balls in the dark, you can see where you go. And as I said, the Weed Whacker is amazing. It uses a 9,000 RPM motor-powered, 360-degree rotary dual-blade system. You get all of this kit within the Performance Package 4.0. And then seal the deal with Manscaped's liquid formulations. Their Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant for before leaving the house and the Crop Reviver Ball Toner.

Manscaped even throw in two free gifts with every Performance Package 4.0. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD20. Treat yourself. Go around the house, see what else you can shave. But shave everything. Carl, can you shave the house, see what else you can shave. Shave everything. Carl, can you shave pets? Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself.

20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com. Using the code WORD20. Aye. I don't think he was saying it was racist. I don't think he was saying it as, you know, because they were attacking the North. Oh. You know what I mean?

Which can be called racism in a humorous way. Having a go at Northerners isn't racist, but it's problematic. Xenophobia, does it? Do you know I'm recorded? Yeah. All right, cool. We're talking about racism in the North.

Helen, do you want to help us help people? Yes. So what happens is people watch, you know, like the stuff we've just done in that first section? Mm-hmm. People watch that and they're like do you know what they're who i want to help me yeah like solve the problems in my like they look like they've got their shit together and all together stable yeah you know very happy we know some northern races but above that we're doing all

right we help well you look at like dan and adam you're just sort of like yeah be the change you want to see like thank you for being you and thank like, yeah, be the change you want to see. Like, thank you for being you and thank you for helping us all. Be the change you want to see. More white men in comedy. The change the world wants and deserves. I'll make your Patreon. Soak our white balls. So...

Oh, he's allergic to racism. I'm allergic to racism. I'm sorry. I don't see colour. I do not see colour or shades and my balls aren't white no they wouldn't be

they wouldn't be they're purpley yeah like an oil slick almost no they're brown they're bruising ew everyone's willy's brown innit

yes we've got colour you haven't got a white willy my willy looks like me arm really hey and i'm not just talking about a bloody size good night everyone thanks for coming keep supporting live podcasting got a big dick um your willy's the shade of your arm it's very similar no it's not let me just check yeah it's and it gets browner as well hey that's me getting me dick out all right we've

got some questions in the first question is carl's got something to say carl first question is from leanne what color is your dick for him to go to a doctor no down for a doctor i'm gone is that green on no finger the julep chart up for brown what are we doing i just think like it's that thing of like you know like people think vaginas are pink but usually they can be like a bit purpley and a bit like you know i love a purple fanny right have they got names yeah they do so i'd say my dick we can't see them because it's not big enough for us so you need to stretch that picture save it are you gonna put this on yeah because you got it yeah that is for the audio listeners there's thousands of you i'd say my looking at the color of penises on the dulex chart

pancho brown where's that in the middle that's the color of your dick i'd say so yeah you need some lube no mine's pale connell I think, top right. No, it's not. That's really light, Adam. Mine's A320 thin pink. Did you colour code us then? What? No, it's not. Have a look now.

Both have a look. In a minute, we'll do what colour album I was at as well. But it is thin and pink. Guys, got some questions. Can you do colours On a Dulux chart Pavilion Chalet That's a nice colour

Lovely Yeah that's nice But mine My dick and my balls Are not the same colour Like genuinely I think my knob Is sort of

Either pale coral Or it might be Sort of the one below it But like my balls Are like Two below that Condo coral Yeah

Well everyone's Chinatown is different And I think it's lovely that you guys feel comfortable enough to share your colours and I think it's kind of sweet that you're different shades. It's okay. That's a pale willy. We've learned about Adam's genitals. It's like it's a fucking Benetton advert. All different

colours. Different browns. Yellow in places. Green. Like quite a racing green. British racing green. But I will say as someone who has seen dicks they are pale that's you guys are on a pale side of things how dare you on an average i'd say you're it's not a good or bad thing i would just say you're on the paler side of dick color one by one the other four people in the room i'm gonna get my dick out and put it against that screen and i'm to match it up and I'll tell you which one it is.

I would like to be on the train back to London. That's going to be on Patreon.com. Where men wear boxers. You can just all be in the corridor. I won't flash anyone. Just don't touch the screen with your dick. No, I'm going to have to put it right up against it to get a proper reading.

I'm not doing this half-assed. But even then, I think you should actually go to a B&Q and do it because that is on a screen so they can change the brightness of it. I reckon you guys need to have a word on the road, go into a home base, and go up there with the paint cans and really figure it out.

Don't I feel like you're a silvered bark? What? You're going to have to point out which one it is. Okay, so second row, five down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Audio listeners, if you think you're missing out, you'd be surprised how little you've missed out.

Sex advice. Helen. Yes. Dying of focus. All right, lids. Dying of focus. Yep. All right, lids, listen.

I need to ask you advice on something. Please keep it anonymous, but I've been in a relationship for about 19 months now. I'm 25. She's 21. There's nothing wrong with that. Absolutely love the girl, but she hates sex.

Like, I mean, it's like a fucking chore for the girl. I love her to bits. I do. But I think we've slept together about four times in 19 months. Wow. So I've got a mate at work. She's 48. Good looking lady. And I was talking to one day about how it's been a while. Next thing I know, I'm pushed into the toilet and my cock so far

down her throat, I'm tickling her esophagus. I hadn't proofread all of this, Helen, I apologize. She said, I can have that anytime I like. All I've got to do is ask when I'm on shift. Only at work, as she's got a husband at home, and obviously my missus is at home. I feel fucking awful about doing it because I absolutely adore my girlfriend, but the thoughts in the back of my mind to ask the work colleague for another incredible blowjob. What do I do, lids?

Love the pod. Hope it's all right to send this on Patreon, but didn't know where else to send it. I love how she's made blowjobs sound like borrowing a stapler all you gotta do is ask love but when you're on shift because i will not suck a dick if it's not near a lanyard so she said we could do this again and he's now like oh shit my girlfriend i love her so much but she doesn't want to have sex with me he's got blue balls and r Racy Tracy from the office has been through the menopause

and she's ready to suck some dick. Get the Dulux shot off a blue fin. No. No more shots. Wait, wait. Blue balls isn't a thing because you guys can always whack one out, spaff it out. You can wank.

You're good. Like, you are fine. Also, why is his girlfriend not enjoying sex? Is he not there for her? That's what I worry about. Two things. One thing. I was going to put the bullshit out. Because I've not enjoying sex is he not there for her that's what I worry about two things one thing I was going to put the bullshit

because I've not enjoyed sex before on Valentine's Day this year I had a condom left in me do you think I enjoyed that as a sexual encounter no no enjoying sex with him

doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex okay but that wasn't a four year relationship was it no no no no so you can have a bad shag

where there's been a condom how long did you know that guy I was going out with him for three months. Ah, right. And you were doing that during lockdown? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Right.

Were you living together? No, we were both living individually and he was by himself and we saw each other on Valentine's Day. It's weird when they leave things at yours, though, isn't it? It was illegal. At Merseyside Police. Well, that was a lovely little off-road journey.

Disgusting, actually. Disgusting to be called out on my own shit. But I mean, the thing is, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. You can crack one out. But that doesn't solve everything. Because intimacy is more than just men. But it won't solve it either if they're going to blowjob at work.

He needs to go talk to his girlfriend that he loves so much. The fact that he's able to write an email to you guys before talking to her. It's almost like you've missed the bit where Racy Tracy from The Office gives him the best middle-aged blowjob he's ever had. What's the difference between a middle-aged blowjob and a young person blowjob? Experience, Helen, come on! No, that's on me, that's on me, that's on me. It's not her first dick rodeo

it sounds like they have spoke because he said she doesn't like sex she might have just said i don't like sex yeah so you're making an assumption i i'm actually leaning more very weirdly more towards your side than dan's here thank you right but you have made the assumption that she just doesn't like sex with him. And that they haven't spoke about it. Because he said she doesn't like sex, which means he has brought it up. And she might have said, look, I've just never been into it. It's not for me.

Well, then he needs to talk to her and be like, look, I got a blowjob at work. That's the end of the relationship. I'd build up to that first. How are you? Do you want a cup of tea? Put your slippers on gotta go straight for the garlic you gotta go like

look I got a blowjob at work she's offered to do it again look there it is video there get on there and guess what

she went to school with your mum so it's not like you don't know her do you ever find yourself on this podcast when you're giving advice and you're like

their relationship's doomed like what's the fuck like it's not gonna work out't know her. Do you ever find yourself on this podcast when you're giving advice and you're like, their relationship's doomed, like what's the fuck? Like it's not gonna work out for you, find someone else, next question. Every single time it's like, we try and avoid saying that because then people will stop writing in. Okay.

Helen, you're cutting to the quick way too fast. I'm so sorry. You're fucked mate. Next. She might be a lesbian. She just hasn't found that out yet out it was a joke on the move on she might be a lesbian she might be asexual or she might be on like why is everyone there's a reason why are you treating this fucking email

like the second part of it with the blowjobs from fucking Linda from HR does like I get it you're in a relationship for four years you're not having sex a lot well maybe you need to talk to each other

what's the problem that's not the fun bit the wah wah wah wah wah let me take my teeth out dog wah wah wah wah that's the fun bit I think fundamentally Dan

the problem is 48 yeah 48 that's what's happening in Lancaster women have no teeth at 48 there's people's happening in lancaster women have no teeth at 48 just people at nine

drinking shit like rocks spent too long gigging in bath my love babington house to be direct i look it essentially like if there's no feeling there because the only the only like what helen said before you can't just knock one out the only difference not the same it's not but the only, like what Helen said before, you can't just knock one out. The only difference- It's not the same. It's not. But the only reason it's not the same is because of the intimacy and the feelings that go with sex. Yeah.

And he's not getting that from fucking Janice's throat either. That's eventually just going to be like one special wank. And if it happens all the time, it's not going to be even special. Also, he's jeopardizing his place in his work. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, he's 25 and he's backed up. He's really thinking about his career. He should be.

When she's like, Zip, hang on, aren't you up for promotion next month? Oh, shit. Would they both lose the job? Would they both lose the job? It would depend on the situation. Why? Because if she's his superior...

She's loser. He could say, like, I felt like I had to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, it's a good job you asked Adam about office politics. Obviously, having worked in zero offices in his life,

he's like, oh, actually, thanks for asking me this, Carl, because I know employment law. But I have watched The Good Wife all the way through three times. Yeah, I know. She is 27 years of age.

How old is he? Yeah, she's 23 years older than him. So I'm sure she's superior. She might just be shit at her job, though. Yeah. And he might be great. Right, listen. And also, you've got to consider the fact that in the workplace,

men get promoted above women all the time, despite not earning it. Fact. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably getting paid more as well. Yeah. That's maybe why she's sucking his dick.

She sees a future manager. Sorry, Helen. The relationship is so... I'm not getting my dick sucked by her. I'm fine. The relationship is so boned. But if I was 25 and there was just the... Come on.

Question, though. The relationship. Question about the relationship being boned. Hit me. Right. Let's say it's on. Question, though. The relationship. Question about the relationship being boned. Hit me. Right. Let's say it's just genuinely she's straight. She's like what I said before about her being a lesbian and asexual. It's not the case.

She's just not really into sex. Yeah. Right? Has she got to find a man who is the same? Or can she be with a guy like this, but they've got to have a conversation where he can go and do what he needs to do because he's got a high sex drive. You've hit the nail on the head. It's a conversation.

They need to have that conversation. Otherwise, it is at the moment, what he's done is he's cheated. He's cheated, and now he's trying to decide whether he should cheat again. And it's like, just have the conversation, and then you might have to open up the relationship.

There's other ways of doing it. Or it might not be the right relationship for you, and she will find someone else that she'll probably go on to have cracking sex with. It's not proper cheating though, is it? It's cheating. Putting your dick in someone else's mouth and then deciding whether to do it again is cheating.

No, it's not proper cheating. It's a sexual act. It's not proper cheating. She's over 40. How is that not cheating? It's like, you know the different postcodes thing? Like it's not cheating if it's more than 100 miles away. It's not cheating if it's like a distant, you know, the different postcodes thing. Like it's not cheating if it's more than 100 miles away.

It's not cheating if it's more than 20 years older. I've heard that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, also, did he put his dick in her mouth

or did she put her mouth around his dick? Wait, both? You got to... I have a lot of... No, no, he might have been sat there with his dick out. I have a lot of wall art

from Wilco's and that is actually, that's up in our spare room. It's not cheating if she's over 45. It's cheating. It's always cheating. Is it balls? It is! Take it to Nando's.

That's too far. She doesn't want Nando's. Did he kiss her? That's a big one. Also, I don't reckon it would be a good blowjob. It's a blowjob in the workplace. It's probably not that good but he just hasn't had sex for so long it's a blow job he was getting paid for can i just say and i'm just speaking i actually stand down it's probably the best blow job of his life yeah some of the blow jobs we get here in the workplace pretty good who the fuck's giving the blow jobs here who do you think finn yes you get the dynamic don't because we bonded in the car

about how you were like fresh out of uni and oh my boy oh he's fresh oh that was awful have you been taught about the you've got to put your finger

in your palm so you stop your gag reflex for a second you've been taught everything that's not where we wanted to put the finger alright don't worry

the first three blowjobs I gave I thought it was a blowjob for a reason so I was blowing down their dick like I was blowing up a balloon it was insane is that true no one ever commented yep there's three men who are still walking around northeast

hampshire scarred or the dicks are blown up so you can give a man a heart attack by blowing down his p.o what because if you blow into a man's dick hole yeah the air can get into your bloodstream and give you the heart attack it's on a heart attack well they all live they all live hey p.s that's what we're talking about inexperienced blow jobs compared to racing hey hey racy jc that there's no blowing it's not kids birthday party or a grandkid is it a pull i don't care he's cheating and there is a beautiful woman who doesn't love sex out there who is at home right now going like where is he and he's coming home and he's got lipstick on his dick and how do do you think that's going to make her feel? Rocky move.

Or she hasn't got enough sex drives to have sex with him because she's shagging everyone. She's cheating all the time. Adam could literally take any situation that we get where there has to be some fall on the woman involved. Like, yeah, she is dirty. And she's out there. I've been on Helen's side the entire time.

She might have paid the woman to do it as a gift because he doesn't get it i'll pay john in work or jonathan jonathan jonathan how would she initiate that the 21 year old girlfriend would what just wait till the christmas party look at the dirtiest old girl and think i'm just gonna slip a 20 quick office just call to the office ask me put through to someone just like say a random woman's name Jonathan it's doable who's most likely to give blowjobs for money yeah

HR that seems valid now yeah now you said it yeah yeah yeah wow this is solved if you're with a

if you're young and you're with a partner and you haven't got sexual chemistry it's important to hear it's a major problem because at 25 you're in the peak

of the your voice has changed to make like a public service announcement i went i was with a girl when i lived in newcastle good for you we were together for about two it's gone from being to the comedian on stage to the comedian on the news doing the apology it's amazing isn't it it's amazing this is what i'm apologizing for and she were we were seeing each for about two and a half three months stayed over at her we had sex maybe half a dozen times and she where we were seeing each for about two and a half three months stayed over at her

we had sex maybe half a dozen times and she wouldn't let me touch her vagina and she didn't discuss that i wasn't allowed to touch a vagina she just sort of did this weird uh jujitsu where i tried to so but we had to start having sex without I don't think he's ever been to a jujitsu class were you fighting people and then trying to shag them no

I just wasn't allowed to touch anywhere near I saw it with your penis but we did bonk a few times but I had to sort of it was just penetrative sex but you weren't allowed to like

there was no guiding go down oh there was no was she guided no we there was no hands she just if i tried to touch her she sort of pushed her hand away and it was just the sort of like i actually guided a bit i don't want them to miss and just try to get in the belly button or something it's an absolute nightmare down there being there yeah it's rough isn't it yeah you're like air traffic control you just guide them in

gently just like get my position right and everything like oh here you go sweet pea yeah what were you doing with your hands then i literally just trying to be like oh and then did you not feel to go at any point right this we were young we were so young it wasn't like why can't i touch your fanny which is is what I should have said. We just had awkward. And you know, when you want to get laid. Never, never say to anyone, why can't I just touch your fanny? There's a way of having that conversation without, why can't I just touch your fanny?

Like you just sort of go like, hey, like sexually intimate wise, like what do you like? What don't you like? And then they will usually reciprocate it. And then they can say like, oh, hey, I don't like this. And then you will usually reciprocate it and then they can say like, oh, hey, I don't like this. And then you can discuss it. Oh, you're right.

But the problem was I wasn't a 38 year old sociology lecturer. Like we were 19 and I was like, I just want to sort of get a bit. Can I just check something? Are you a 38 year old sociology lecturer? No, I'm a 30 year old mouth breathing moron. And I fucking know

I don't even have A degree mate And I'm fucking Going to You know Get out of Get out of Oh

Yeah I don't We didn't have that Mature conversation I didn't Like We were just I don't know

Would she touch you Not really, no. But I kind of get that. I definitely went through a couple of years, like guys and they're like going down, you're fingering you. And I didn't have the confidence to be like, that's not the clit, you know?

Cause you just sort of like let them be. Cause you wonder maybe they know more than I do about something. So it does take a while to like, have the confidence to discuss. Like now I'm 30, it's more sort of like, hey, what are you into what are you into let's brilliant figure this out and mesh it out as best like and being

awkward and trying things and getting it wrong there was loads of that but this was a genuine don't touch there don't that it was the weirdest thing but i i i like you find that tricky to understand because i was a very young masturbator. I discovered it aged like six or seven. I was in a park and I was like, what the fuck is that? And then I got like, you know, like for women, we basically like any sort of like-

Helen, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down. What happened in the park? Where were you? I was in Basingbourne Park in Fleet and there was like a seesawry climbing frame thing and it hit my young clit and i was like what's your truth and then i like forgot about it and then i was like 12 13 and i discovered masturbation like like normal like a normal english person for myself and i was like this feels amazing like can everyone else do this or is it just a me thing and um wasn't aware that we

weren't supposed to talk about it or do it in school so then i arrived at school like harry potter i've got i was like i've invented some of a parcel done fanny tongue i ran into school i got all the girls on one side of a classroom and I was like, rest your vagina on the corner of the table. Like I was doing my GCSEs. That's why you were bullied, Helen. Hold your breath. It's quicker.

Like I knew everything. And then. That conversation is definitely when the bullying started. Girls, come here in the corner of the fucking dining room. Girls, girls, gather around me in science. On the corners. Think about, no, yeah. I couldn't even kick it out of science for that because it is science. No, I only did me in science on the corners think about no yeah i couldn't even kick it out of science for that because it is science i know i only did it inside i got the girls to do it in

math science i'm six foot one so the table was high enough for me to rest yeah it's fine i basically then thought that everyone was lying and pretending they didn't know it but the older i get the more i realize there are lots of people that don't wank and masturbate and don't like enjoy it and don't enjoy that touching feeling down yeah yeah it's not uncommon i know that now at the time i wish i'd gone what is going on here mate but it was just i want to clarify what i was saying i i think in your situation even as a naive sort of 18 19 whatever you were i think like the second time that happened at least after we'd finished, I'd have gone,

what's this hand thing about? But it's actually really, to be fair, on her to go, just so you know, that thing I've done twice. I don't like this. I just can't handle it.

I actually think it's actually on her. It's on both of you. My mate caught, started to call it, because I told my mate about it, started calling it Eddie Honda. You know, in Street Fighter, Eddie Honda's special move was like,

like that. And that's sort of how it felt. No idea what Street Fighter is. Eddie Honda's special move, his hand sort of blurred. Fight Tekken? I don't know. Fight in game.

I don't know what Tekken is. Finish him. Computers. I know, sims. Neopets. I think... MSN. At 21 21 if she's had sex four times she's not like one she's not the corner of the table masturbator is she probably not probably not yeah there was definitely there's a there's a small group of us uh or maybe she only likes seesaws maybe she what maybe she only likes fucking seesaws maybe they was they are good so many possibilities on a roller coaster when you go down you get that little like

no me neither me neither me neither you know i have a daughter who's four and what you said about being six or seven in the park yeah this whole podcast stopped being funny and i just i don't know you'll be able to catch on the video i was like oh my god this is gonna be kids all do i used to babysit and they'll be like they don't it's not sexual or a sexualized thing but it's the feeling and the humping yeah yeah they kind of like it's weird but it's not sexual that's fine so uh for my i will tell you a story about that when we finish recording though you can't say that oh that's you can't say that okay well i have to so i've done it now please no no no i genuinely can't patreon.com i just keep getting your blood okay come on no because i tried to stand up about it and i was like yeah wait and that's the line i'll tell you afterwards tracy tracy mate on. It's a free pass. It's cheating. It is.

It's not a free pass. It's cheating. Also, if you're going to cheat, don't do it in the office. The only person that would agree with you is Freddie Quinn. It's not cheating if I can hide her in my bed. Wow. That was 23 minutes for one question. Okay, I'll do the next one In one sentence Ooh

It's gonna be really hard Isn't it Christina says Eyelids Long time Lister First time emailing Have a word Need you to knock some sense

Into my younger brother He's 32 And has spent the last year Messaging a girl He used to work with And not getting a single reply I say used to work with her Because he got three warnings

from his managers to leave the girl alone and stop messaging. Eight months on, he got fired having sent over 2,000 messages to her without a single reply. He's now got into his head

that he's going to train to be a security guard and go into professional boxing without a single day of training in the hopes it will impress this girl who got him fired for harassment. Please help me get some sense into his head he reckons within two years he will have won her over married her and started having kids despite her starting proceedings for restraining order that's from christina one sentence yeah yeah one sentence

now i mean you can but don't mean, he needs to be in jail so he can't do any more harm to himself. So, Christina, frame him. Frame him for a crime sentence. He's ill, isn't he? Yeah, he's not well. He needs to be in patient care. He'd gone cray-cray.

Yeah, that's bad. I mean... 2,000 messages, did you say? It's one of those things... On WhatsApp, though, so he didn't pay for them. That's what he said. Fair play. Yeah, you know. It's one of those things youapp though so he didn't pay for them yeah you know it's it's one of those things you see like screenshots of on twitter from a girl like oh my god men are awful and half the time i go no one's that mental

that can't be real and it's it they're out there it is isn't it yeah there's so many of them like the guys you see on like twitter he's one of those guys you see on twitter replying to like only fans models going do you want to go for a drink? I would. So fuck that. You're like, yeah, I don't think that's going to get her attention. Christina, I'm sorry.

Your brother's not well. It's hard for an older sister, isn't it? Because she knows. It is, it's really hard. She's like, this is an issue. She's got empathy and love for her brother, obviously. Fuck, yeah. Get him some proper medical help, inpatient care,

or get him behind bars for a bit. I think it's hard to take that one down, even a funny route. He needs... Help. That restraining order needs to be fucking stamped and approved. That should literally come on someone's desk and be like, yeah, fair enough. He's going to become a boxer to impress her.

I love that he's going to train to be a boxer to impress i love it he's gonna he's gonna train to be a security guard because ladies love a security why do men want girls to like them after it's obviously don't because i could be with someone no and they didn't like me when you ever been like unrequited love like really fancied someone they don't fancy you back so you have to be like no well then i can't even be friends with you i've got okay i can't be like chasing you it has to be fucking for me this sounds like a guy who like clearly mentally very ill but someone who's like a massive dido fan you know like dido sang that song white flag and it's like i will go down with this ship i'm in love and always will be the original i can't believe we're doing a song

about a creepy stalker who's not getting replies to his messages and you went to dido but not the song stand by eminem I'm not the brightest woman. But I will like a Dido reference. It's like that Dido song, isn't it? This white flag. I will go down with this ship. Give me a break.

Do you know what the... Fuck you, Adam. Do you know what the sneaky killer thing in this is? He's 32. not a kid he's not like a daft lad you're like mate you've got yourself all ensnared here at 32 if some of this isn't like sort of just leveling out sounds dangerous yeah mental illness gets to people at all ages, lest we forget. Yeah. All right, thanks, guys. This isn't, like, immaturity, is the point you were making. This is who he is.

And until a doctor can literally sit him down and get through to him as to why this is insane behaviour, he's never going to change. There's no amount of time in a jail cell or restraining orders or anything that is going to keep him away from this girl or the next one. It's like, it's the fucking Netflix.

All right, so you, so, okay. That was a great show. It's pretty, it's pretty obvious that he, this is really unhealthy and probably really scary for this girl. So we are, you know, I knew reading this out that that was going to be the case. It's a little bit sinister and it sounds unbelievable

that as it keeps reading, it just adds layer and layer of what just looks so crazy. Yeah. What would you do as the sister? She's messaged in, what should she do? Like what's, because obviously it's a problem but what are you meant to do if one of your loved ones is acting like a cray cray stalker so like contact mental health services there needs to be like an inpatient care system that

are inpatient care system yeah but what if she's from merseyside and you're not allowed to grass hey there's a Then leave it. There's a cold. I think she needs to sort of keep an eye on... And the police are involved, you pass grassing up someone. Like, it's already done. You've never been to Liverpool.

I've been there with... Yeah, I did some gigs. To testify. I think she needs to sort of keep an eye on him as well as going down a professional route. She's got to be to sort of keep an eye on him as well, as well as going down a professional route. She's got to be the sort of block between him and the next woman. Because this isn't the last time this is going to happen.

He will eventually meet someone else in a fucking supermarket or the next job that he manages to get or whatever, and there'll be a next obsession. Because it's not about that girl. It's about him wanting what he can't have. That's what the issue is. And that will happen again with someone else. And she needs to be there to A, pull him away from it,

and B, maybe talk to the girl, the next one. And I know that's awful, but she's... If she's sort of the family member who's writing into podcasts and asking these questions, it's her job to get in the way of his dangerous behaviour. She needs to professionally cock-block him. It's her job, though, to get in the way of his dangerous behavior she needs to professionally cock block him it's her job though to get in the way of dangerous behavior she she is the relative of someone who is dangerous and if the authorities aren't doing enough to protect other people in the world yeah but she needs to look after herself too yeah she does that's what i was thinking as

well like i think it's just such a complicated situation i think if any girl you do need to take the lead of a like professional health care specialist yeah but like i can't healthcare yeah but i can say from family experience of very very very very recent past that telling mental health services this person in my life is struggling a danger to themselves and others until that person goes i need help yeah it is borderline impossible to be taken seriously like but and even when that person says i want help it's still very close and because there's mile long lists because everything's underfunded but don't let that put you off trying to seek help. No, 100%. But no, totally, yeah. Yeah, like, you might get lucky,

and you might get seen at the right time and whatever, but it's very, very difficult to get the right help for the right person at the right time. And because of that, he's a dangerous lad, and he's out there being able to be a dangerous lad. And in my personal opinion, it's on your family and your close friends to recognise that and do everything they can to help it not be as dangerous as it could be.

And that includes her, and if he's got a brother and a dad and friends and whatever, it's on them to, as much as you're right, in a perfect world and in a perfect system, in a country that isn't run by Tories, with a massively underfunded NHS, and massively under, specifically mental health services are drastically underfunded, in a country with isn't run by Tories with a massively underfunded NHS and massively under, specifically mental health services

are drastically underfunded in a country with that system in place. It's not as easy as, this guy might kill someone. So should we make it harder for him to do that? Like you've got to sort of just take the lead and go, he's my responsibility as my family member or friend or whatever.

Pretty sobering way to end the podcast tickets for my stand-up tour are available at dannightingirl.com and uh that's very true uh it was a little bit yeah i'm just being a dick i just tried to get a laugh out of a very serious ending and we do need that yeah yeah. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. It's cool. This has been a fucking laugh, Helen. We've never met before.

I know. Weird. And I love it. I know your name. I think we must have done gigs together, but like ships crossing in the night or something. It always gets off before you get there, it's told me.

Classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah everyone does that why does that always happen am i being bullied now this is it this is bullying where can i masturbate show me a corner of a table oh like yeah loads of places no stress yeah oh god um where can we find where can we find you you can find find me, oh, online's the best. I put everything on Instagram and Twitter. Just follow me there, at Helen Bauer, B-A-U-E-R, German spelling, full German. There's another Helen Bauer and she's got my handle.

She's also very nice, go follow her. She's a babe, just in Germany. We've hung out a couple of times. Would that not have been like Helen Bauer comedy? Would that not have been better than just Bauer? Yeah, but it's hindsight, isn't it? So thanks, Adam. How did you hang out with Helen Helen Bower she was getting tagged in loads of comedy shows so you met up and so then she was like oh I live in Berlin and I still go and do shows in Berlin every now and again and I was like oh like so annoying you get

tagged in these things let me give you a free ticket to a show for you and a friend and then she came along and we hung out afterwards and she was great she was a cool chick so we hung out again next time I went out and I gave her a ticket to a show again do you know i work for some promoters in the west midlands called the nightingales and they came to see me on the bill because i have the same name as their son and then they were like we're gonna book him and i got him really well with them that's lovely and there's a australian comedian called adam vincent and my name on facebook used to have used to be adam vincent um and then someone messaged me offering him writing work and then i was like i'll absolutely do that because i found out what because i didn't know yeah it was for him they were like hey adam i've been told you'd

be a great fit for this job here's the right work and here's the fee. Do you want it? And I was like, fucking right. But was the fee not in Australian dollars? No, no, because it was a British job. So he's in Australia, but he writes for British TV and British comedy and stuff. And it was good money for what was like two days worth of writing. And I was like, yeah.

And I was like, fucking got that. And I literally went out and bought myself a new jacket and then found out that wasn't for me. Fuck! A writing jacket? Yeah, a writing jacket. I was like, do you know what I need? I need to get in the zone.

Never spend the money before you've made it. Come on, you know that. I had made it! Someone offered me money and I said, yeah, I'll have that. Did you sign a contract? No! Well, then you haven't made it! I haven't signed a contract!

He's never signed a contract! We haven't got a contract! Thank you, fucking morons!ons plan ahead we trust each other yeah that learned well yeah you really trust also i'm going to be starting a podcast with katherine bohart soon so please listen to that who's coming on the pod soon is she so hopefully that stuff will be finalized when katherine bohart's on and we can plug it yeah i mean we've got loads of names but we're going through lots of different options at the moment. What are your options so far? I want to call it Hogs.

Oh, I like it. Hogs. Like pigs, because I'm just like really into Babe. Yeah. Yeah. And then she's like, can we do something cleverer?

You're really into Babe? And I was like Hogs. Yeah, Babe. What's it about? It's about a pig. A little pig. It's a little pig. It's a little pig.

It's supposed to be a sheepdog. Who gets taken away from his mummy and then it gets taken in by a sheepdog at a different farm the hogget's farm and then this is very similar to wait more than very similar to the ship dog but not by screaming and yelling at the sheep and scaring them by asking them to move barram you for your sheep your crew your name be true It's beautiful What's the podcast about? Fucking heard About you Just you

I've got a lot to say You'll be listening to me talking about myself That's the plan No just fun chat We did an online gig for ages I think Hogs works because you're going to hog the podcast I'm going to hog the fucking shit out of it I'm a big talker You know Yeah, I'm going to hog the fucking shit out of it. I'm a big talker.

You know that. We've been here for a while. Do you want me to go now? Ever since bullying. Am I being bullied? Am I being bullied? I do feel like I've been bullied, actually. No, you don't.

I feel like I do. Don't, please don't come here. What, in here? I'm going to tweet about it. No, don't tweet about it. Don't tweet about it. Don't tweet about it. Do you know what?

Send voice recording to Steve Bennett at Chorl.com. We'll just retweet it. We'll just see what happens. We're a friend to many women. We are. In the industry. Oh my God. Look at that message I just got.

What does it say? You're a secretive little... Top one. My flap's just fucked up. I want to find out. We'll do it now. What's happening? We can't say it.

You're the worst pair of dick teases. Yellow card, red card. It's over. The pod's over. This one specifically. Famous comedian has just been outed as a murderer. Find out next week. Patreon.com slash have a word pod.

Can you believe me as well? Dun, dun, dun. Yeah, Mickey Flanagan killed his nan. There's no way Mickey's grandparents would still be around. Get on me again. No, back in the day. Get on me.

Alfmish. But, yeah, bitte Alfmish. Alfmish. Get Alfmish. Is that what you want to say? Get Alfmish. Say it again. Get Alfmish.