Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #136 with Eshaan Akbar - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 6, 2021

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Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Wag-wag lids. Before we start today's fire episode with Eshan Akbar,

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be safe don't be a fucking dickhead now let's get back to the pod have i ever told you but in my head another song dancing in the moonlight yeah top loader yeah but in my head it's jamie oliver what in my head jamie oliver is the lead singer on the hit 90s track dancing in the moon you've got one of those confabulated memories do you know why where you're like because of the sainsbury's advert you don't remember it it was like the Sainsbury's advert for years and he was on the advert like, yeah, don't eat turkey Twizzlers, have some chicken. It's all in my head.

Is that how the advert went? Did they have Top Loader as the song on that advert? They say so. But it did look like, because Jamie Oliver was on the screen, I could imagine him singing it. So I was like, that'll be him there. You don't want fucking beans on toast at school for your lunch.

Have Rogan Josh and garlic and coriander naan. That'd be power. It's not what you want in year two, is it? You want a ham buddy? Yeah. Some condiments. Yeah. Do you know that is Jack

I just saw young Carl eating mayo when I do so good is Jack didn't know what the word condiments meant I know about that it's like because I went

oh let's get some condiments like in a restaurant and he was like and he went what's a fucking condiment and I went it's like stuff that makes your meal better

sauces and he went what like I fucking condiment and I went it's like stuff that makes your meal better sauces and he went what like ham butties and that what that's how the whole conversation went when you put your

ham butties on top of your pasta yeah yeah yeah this lasagna's lovely could really do with a bit of ham butty done some parmesan yeah ham butties

why so why is top load a bit in your head Or Jamie Oliver It came on when I was in Croatia On me hauls Lovely hauls

Got you some gifts Obviously Oh did you Yeah Of course you fucking did Yeah I didn't even think of that Where are they

They're in the back Oh the garbage Oh yeah see They're not garbage They definitely are Shite Fucking trash They're not shite

They're not great the fact that he thought of us do you mean he thought of us who else buys you fucking presents from holiday no one buys me this is the first time I haven't been in holiday yet Dan you're all about the fucking dollar dollar bills you cunts aren't you

I love being involved in it it's gonna be shite it's gonna be that what's the Croatian currency? Kuna. Yeah. It's what? What is it?

It's kuna, yeah. Kuna. The kuna. More. Yeah. Matata. And it's like nine times British. So like 11 pence is a kuna.

Right. Okay. Nine times British. So like 11 pence is a kuna. Right. Okay. Nine times British. That sounds like a complicated thing. So what's one kuna? So like if they say like 2,000 kuna, that's about 220 quid. You can just divide it by 10 and then add 10%. Oh, I've got it. What's one

kuna then? What? What's one kuna? You've put it in a bit. Negligible. 0.11 pence. Is it's, you put it in a bit. Negligible. Point 11 pence. Is it? There you go. Sure. I don't know.

I'm not figuring it out. Right. How many kunas did you have? How many, how many, so what month, did you get cash or you just do it on the card?

Oh no, got cash because a lot of places over there sell cash based because they're, some of them are poor as fuck, mate. Yeah,

but that's good when you're on holiday you're like here he is King Ro so it wasn't all inclusive we're just throwing

cooners at children thank you Mr Ro I have a podcast in the west one day maybe we will come to rich King Ron I'm going

Croatia is the west what Croatia is the west What? Croatia is the west Well geographically It's not west of here is it mate? No but It's in the Suck my balls

It's in the Suck my balls Suck my fucking balls Okay it's more west Well it's eastern Europe I've done so It's a fair while And it's the west

What? Oh Why are you being a dick? It's eastern Europe It was eastern Europe wasn't it? Yugoslavia was eastern europe yeah let it off

yes fuck Carl Mr. Rowe thank you for coming fuck Carl we don't want him to visit it's not that poor alright

it's not it's not it's not there's no like comic relief for Croatia is it second world no is it world and half

it's the second poorest country in the EU. What's the poorest? Lichtenstein. Scotland. Google, Finn. Scotland's not in the EU. I've said Lichtenstein. Oh, do you know what?

You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Joking. What's your guess? Made a mistake. I said Ireland. Would have been a funny joke as well

Yeah But I thought of Scotland first And I didn't do the geopolitical Where is Hang on hang on Where is the port Romania Romania is my guess

Oh Adam Sorry Bulgaria Oh Obviously Stoichkov Are they in the west

Or are they in the east Europe Scruffy Bulgarian twats, of course, they're poor. Mr. Roe, Mr. Roe, one day I'll come to rich England and make a podcast. Tell me about the streets of Rangkorn. Are they paved with gold? Why are you becoming more Bangladeshi as you go along there? This is my poor Croatian child.

Mr. Roe, can I touch you? I've got your presents anyway. So, first off do Carl first. Go on. Is it wrapped? So you like footy, don't you? Is it wrapped? He had to reach down from his elephant.

That's another thing. You like footy? I love footy. And you also like bargains. Never a good sign, man. When you're about to give a present to him. You like this and you also like savings. No seriously, you like this. You like footy, you like bargains. So I got you, right? give a present to me. You like this, and you also like savings. No, seriously, you like this.

You like footy, you like bargains, so I got you, right? And you've got to wear this. You've got to wear it. It'd mean a lot to me if you wear it. I got you a genuinely fake Croatian top. Oh, that's sick. Oh, let me feel that quality.

Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Oh, that's sad. I thought it was going to be like a fridge magnet. A football kit made out of paper mache. I mean, it's not better than this 1990s Ajax top that I've got on. What size did you get him? Campon de Boe. I got him.

Oh, no, I asked for XL. Right. I was talking about XL. Right. I mean, is it Croatian? You have a full-size flag of Croatia. Let me see. Yeah, that's you.

It kind of clashes with... Oh, wait. Finn! So, you... What does Finn like? You like footy as well. It kind of clashes with Oh wait Finn So You What does Finn like? You like footy as well And you also You know

Oh aye aye Modric on the back yeah Yeah Good playing him Exactly It would be so funny If they weren't allowed To actually write his name

And it was like Midroch Yeah Midroch Do you think it's a Pro Evolution top tier It's a Pez T-shirt. Oh, oh.

You like footy and you like being like Carl. You want to be a producer. Sick. So you got the away top. Croatia away. Croatia. Oh, I'm not looking forward to this. Dan, you like hats.

So. Oh, yes. Oh, you can feel the quality. And like I said, it can't mean a lot to me if you wear that, so if you just take this one off and get this one on. Fuck it up. This is real, isn't it? Yeah.

Oh, I love it. Genuinely fake. I love a baseball hat with Velcro. Take the tags off. That's not going back, is it? Why are you bringing that? No, my granny's there. How many k my granny's staff how many kuna what how many kuna that doesn't matter it's the thought i counted it four kuna

you're mixing up your nations there dan oh we've both gone dutch today i'm international a bit of east and west we're both dutchies are they Yeah Yeah I'll wear that later It feels like it looks Really noncy Do you want to see I'll show you I feel like the paedophile At the fucking hand car wash

You look great You look lovely It actually suits you Like I wanted it to look worse I like the shape of the pee It's not too bad. No, it's good. It looks like you really, really, really want a good car,

but you can't afford one. I look like some weirdo at the Indy 500. Hey, it's push-out. Pit, pit, pit. Yeah, so there you go. There's your present. They're honestly... Thank you!

That is better than I expected. I thought it was going to be like a bag of shite. Yeah, they were alright you spent at least 22 kuna I think I think yours was like 100 kuna

70 kuna which is about 8 quid 70 kuna yeah Jesus yeah erm Adam made ours

did you bring some kitramol for all the ladies having to look at me I did make yours actually I paid to go on an experience day where you work in a sweatshop for a few hours

really yeah and that was my gift actually at the end of the course the guy who owns it he's like here's what I can do

you can make a shirt and we were like do you know what we can because you didn't teach us but I can do t-shirts now do you want make hats yet. And we were like, you know what? We can, cause you didn't teach us, but I can do t-shirts now. If you want any footy tops, make them.

The sweatshops in Croatia. What? Sweatshops in Croatia. Oh, all the shops in Croatia. Yeah, just near. They're not. Let that just hang in the air. For the cooners.

Let's call that jet lag. I do gold service, clean inside and outside of car. Do you wanna know some of the things that happened on the holiday? Adam's trip to Croatia so as you all know and long time listeners know I'm quite a nervous flyer aren't I? yeah you are the BA Baracus of this fucking

of this podcast I ain't getting on no fucking plane fuel the first thing I've got no proof of but you can ask Samantha when you see her but this is

everything I've got to tell you is true so on the way there yeah but you think fucking Jamie Oliver's in Toploader so when you start everything

swear down completely true but I'm not saying Jamie Oliver's in Toploader I'm saying I understand that I'm wrong but I can't get it out my head you're not like

he's definitely. Yeah. No, Wikipedia's wrong. It's Jamie Oliver. So the captain on the way over there was called Captain Michael Collision. My collision. Yeah, it's Captain Collision here. My collision.

Mike Collision. That's what he said over the thing. And now that you've said that, I think it might have been a joke. Was the co-captain like Mike Hunt? What? Was the co-captain Mike Hunt? Co-captain was Captain Plane Crash.

Was he? Yeah. Captain Plane Crash. Captain Collision. Captain Collision. I was already nervous. Really bad. And then on the way back,

and I've got pictures of this because it's a little sly ones. On the way back, I was hungover because the only night we went big boozing was the night before we come back yesterday I got really nervous during takeoff more nervous than I ever have but I didn't like outwardly show it I just inwardly had a bad panic attack like a bad one and then I looked next to me and the cunt next to me was watching a 9-11 documentary and it lasted for the whole flight he was just every time I looked over either the Taliban or a big burning tower with a plane sticking out of it lasted for the whole flight. Every time I looked over either the Taliban or

a big burning tower with a plane sticking out of it was on the screen next to him. Oh come on, you can't watch that on the plane, he's got that on an iPad. There's a new documentary called TV. No it was on his iPad yeah. Right. Yeah it wasn't an option. He'd downloaded it. That is not worse. In-flight entertainment, catch me if you can or loose cheese if you don't like films

we've got a documentary for you erm here's here's the one you're really gonna enjoy so we went on a the five island

tour one day it was great loads of islands yeah five of them well they say five it wasn't really five four islands and a rock it was

it was two islands a cave and a swim in the middle of another two, but you didn't actually go to those two. In the sea? What? In the sea? In the sea. Why? Adriatic.

Can't be swimming in the sea, lad. It's the Blue Lagoon. Like, you can see. It's like bath water. It's so clear. How deep? Bit of redox in. How deep?

What? Deep. It's the sea. So you can see sharks in there? Yeah, yeah. Is it better to be in clear water or? Oh, better in clear water, yeah. You can see the shark coming on.

So you can get your punch ready. Yeah, in murky water, you're like, oh, there's my leg gone. Popped his nose. It's the same as with bullies, isn't it? If the big one, the rest run away. What? Sharks are like, going with bullies, isn't it? It's the big one. The rest run away. Sharks are like going with bullies. You have to find a shark.

Swat the biggest shark. Adam's not even waiting for sharks to come. He's going swimming for sharks. What I mean is if you get cornered by a load of sharks. Cornered. What corner of the sea are you in? Tiger sharks apparently do actually. There's a gang of them, isn't there?

They circle you then. They don't corner you, do they? Because you can just swim away. They swim. Apparently with tiger sharks, they sort of like circle. And then one of them is like, go on, mate, go on. Get him, lath. Go on, then they go, what?

What? I think that might be the scariest name of any animal. What? What, more than killer whale? Yeah, because whale seems like not as threatening as shark. Killer whale? Yeah, but that's not their name. It's awkward, isn't it?

Tiger shark? Yeah. That's scary. Oh, so you're scared of tiger bread? No. No? No. That's scary, is it?

No. Honey badger? It is when you put shark after the tongue. Tiger shark? Yeah, because I'm more scared of sharks than I am of bread. Sharks? Yeah. Because I'm more scared of sharks than I am of bread.

No, but you're saying that tiger is just an intrinsically scary name. When you put it in front of sharks. Right. It's the combination. Yeah, but killer. It's like when you put a mento in a Coke. There's no explosion on their own. Flying squittle. Why?

You're not helping. Why? Why isn't? Why is killer whale? Why is it? Like, it's called an orca, and they're like, it's a killer whale why is it like it's called an orca and they're like

it's a killer whale because they mean it's good he's killing him right fucking boss up being a whale there's no killer shark though is there

because they're like mate all sharks kill yeah right basking sharks good chat we're glad we had that today's podcast

is sponsored by tiger bread oh yeah don't be scared eight animals with spooky names. Welcome to Have A Word, the podcast. You've got the vampire squid. That's quite scary, isn't it?

Vampire squid. Yeah. Honestly, vampires are obviously, you know, mythologically freaky, but squid are fucking horrible. Yeah. Got no five eyes. I ate all of them. Jellyfish, fucking octopus, weird alien sea noncy cunts. Yeah. Got no fucking eyes. I ate all of them. Jellyfish, fucking octopus,

weird alien sea noncy cunts. Yeah. I'm not wrong, am I? They're all like, yeah. I'd rather deal with a shark. You're like, there's its eyes,

there's its arsehole. Instead of this one. My uncle. Is this shark? This shark's sitting down. I don't trust an animal, a beast, if I don't see its animal, a beast,

if I don't see his eyes and his arsehole. Where does it eat? Where does it shit? Is the shark flirting with you? Get on that. Do you know what I mean? At least you're like, listen, you understand how it works.

Fucking jellyfish. What about the goblin shark? Do you jellyfish again? Get on me, lad. The goblin shark sounds scary. The yeti crab. This literally feels like we're just doing fucking no fielding set.

The thorny devil. Right. That's one. And the last one is the deadhead hawkmoth. The deadhead hawkmoth. Deathhead hawkmoth. Careful. Tiger shark.

I'm sticking with my original answer. Honey badger tigers sharks you don't want to fuck with either of them unless you're hard as fuck punch sharks you boot tigers

what about a pedo cat a pedo cat yeah a nonce badger very bad they're really bad a rapey squirrel a rapey squirrel

you've got to watch out for them what else have you got next you've got noncing and raping what's have you got next you've got nonsense and raping what's next the maither the maither dog I don't know

that's not as funny although you know rapey squirrels you could argue isn't funny either but I'd argue with you no but yeah

it's true innit if you could the eye is the arsehole. It makes sense. Is that your method? Octopus. They're like, fuck off, weird cunts. Shitting ink.

Why are you looking for an octopus's arsehole? I'm just saying I don't understand it. I don't trust it. Hang on. You're telling me once you've seen the eyes and the arsehole of an animal, you're no longer scared of it? No. So you're telling me sometimes you make eye contact with an animal and you're like hang on i need to see it's arsehole

and then you go looking for it telling me right if you met someone they were like i have no arsehole you wouldn't be like oh don't you'd be naturally untrustworthy have you said that to him well i knew a girl at school didn't i you never had an arsehole she got one plumbed in plumbed in she's lying by the way she's not dead I'm not yeah she's got United Utilities to sort her out

she never had an asshole you're lying anyway you're on the Five Highland Cruise yeah so I can't just for context

I can't be in the sun without sunglasses on like I get a bad headache I end up squinting all day really badly so I've got them on constantly and you can put a picture

into the sunglasses I had so anyway there's this guy I don't think you can be in the sun mate every picture I see of you I'm like get some fucking after sun on his shoulders

I've had factor 30 on the entire time oh bless carry on sir so there's a Brazilian go on Brazilian fella who now lives in Sweden

he was next to us and he was with his missus who was half Cuban half Russian and also lives in Sweden were they fit? he could have done better I thought that was

that's all the women and that's a compliment i don't want to give this man because he he was a bit sort of rude with sam but not in a way you could sort of like she she went she said to me like she was in the walls she's like hey come and grab these snorkels and i went over and took them off her. And he was like, you just put yourself. And I was like, do you know what I mean? It was just like, he was a bit off. Keep out of the fucking logistics of my relationship. You half Brazilian, half cunt.

Who does that? Do it yourself. Don't worry, Adam. I break her in for you. This filly is bucking. You must control your lady. He looked like he had a big dick as well um like a fucking big dick like a big dick anyway um he was sort of like did you see no quiet all day a killer dick honey dick yeah a rapey a rapey dick i didn't I said it by accident I thought everyone had just moved past

but you really kindly I'll pull you up on your bullshit repeated it for me it was really quiet all day and then on the

trip back so we've done the five islands we're all sat there and everyone's had a beer or two now and so the way the boat was

we were at the very back and they were at the very back next to us with a little gap in the middle and everyone else was over there and uh how did sam take this the snorkel thing she was so i didn't even know it had happened she told me so i was like oh he's a bit of a dick isn't he so then we get back

on and he hasn't said a word to me all day he spoke to other people but it was like he didn't like english people because we were the only english on the thing. That's the vibe I got. Do you know what I mean? Which is fair enough. The English people largely, you know, we can be cunts. But he goes to me,

he goes, I have to say, how do you say, I have to think in Spanish. I have to say, when I saw you, and then he spoke in Spanish to his missus

and he goes, when I saw you, right, I think Elton John. It's not wrong. and then he went and then he went because i i just stared at him like are you taking the piss so he went i have to say it's spanish how'd you say it's spanish my english is terrible how'd you say How do you say in Spanish?

My English is terrible. How do you say Elton John? Elton John! There's no Spanish fucking... I couldn't believe it was happening, right? And it was obvious. I'm hoping it performed better than me in the glasses, right? I just stared through him. So he's gone.

When I see you, I think Elton John. And then I said nothing and he went you, I think Elton John. And then I'd said nothing. And he went, you know, Elton John? How the fuck do you snorkel? Then he sang. No. You can ask Sam. So he goes, you know, Elton John?

And I went, Elton John? And he goes, I'm still. And I went, right. Because my genuine first thought was he knows dan and dan has paid him because the amount of times we've done that on this show oh my god you might have half brazilian half fucking whatever it is you have purple sunglasses on no do they have stars on no but they've got like a bit of you've got a similar pair oh i know i know what you're enjoying a bit of a horn've got a similar pair. Oh, I know. I know what you're on journey about.

Got a bit of a horn on them. Yeah. Yeah. Also he's wearing platform boots and flares as well. So that was a bit of a problem, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. El Tanjon.

El Tanjon. What Spanish? El Tanjon. That's how he said it. I want to just try and see if there was anything else i wanted to tell you um because there was a couple of things down but yeah really right what just just the combination of the lawnmower going past it's very loud they won't hear it but yeah it's loud enough to freak me out people are mowing the lawns outside El Tanjon But I would recommend to everyone That you visit Split in Croatia

So how much the flights Flights are decent But do you get package You get a package No Flights are like £3.50 each And the hotel Like for return

And The hotel was Flights were like £3.50 each for return. And the hotel was £700 for the five or six nights we were there. And it was nice. Forced our hotel, 15-minute walk from the hotel into town, about 25 minutes back, because it was uphill. Why Croatia? Was it just available? It was green list.

It didn't have to be double jabbed. Nice. It's the easiest country to get into that was worth going to. But the food. So because it's on the Mediterranean, it's all sort of grilled. There's a lot of meat, which is good for me, but also seafood. And we went to this place. What was it called? Villa Spaza.

Villa Spaza. Villa Spaza. No, it wasn't. Villa. what was it called villa spoozer villa spazzer villas no it wasn't villa what was it called it was either spazzer or spizzer yeah and you can't remember if it was called spazzer or spizzer no the villa spazzer wouldn't have we go with spizzer should we go with spizzer yeah um google that will you google spazzer spizza spiza something like that something like that yeah yeah um they only write the menu on the day because it's whatever they've caught that morning yeah like it's fresh as fuck yeah i got a whole sea bass it's a lot of fish right there's a lot of mediterranean restaurants i like that yeah yeah i'd never know anything like this before yeah yeah it's actually written in marker on a bit of paper yeah lad here's your menu

wrote that before well we went to Crete a few times when I was a kid and then I went back as an adult and the fish restaurants are the ones that everyone raves about and it is literally fresh

that's fuck I got a bowl of prawns as my dessert because my main was sea bass right with like potatoes in there loved that but it wasn't really full

and didn't have a sweet tooth yet. So Sam got chocolate cake and I just got prawns. With ice cream? Lovely. Did you let your kiss her after that? Because when Laura eats fish, that's the end of me smooching.

Can I eat the smell of fish? No, she's alright she had fish as well her starter slash main or whatever you want to call her was monkfish cheeks

has she done a lot of travelling Sam yeah she went on her own for a couple of years alright she went to Vietnam on her own

yeah and then how old was she when she went to Vietnam on her own about 4 years ago that is 21 22

something like that yeah and then like good on her it's not every scout's 22 year old where you going love fucking them

yeah who you going with on me own I can't see any risk involved girl on tour And then She went to Vietnam En route to Australia

Nice Where she was going on her own To do the thing Yeah Yeah So she And she went away a lot As a child

With her mum and dad Yeah To various places Whereas I did not Yeah Highly recommend it Really good And you had fun

The two of you enjoyed it yeah the booze cruise on the last night the sunset cruise was my favourite and we took that as a challenge

have you boozed a lot during the trip I've drank every day of course but like not excessively because we were getting up at like 7 or 8 in the morning

to go on these excursions so I didn't want to be getting up hungover on holiday so I left it until the last night and that's the last night the morning to go on these excursions so i didn't want to be getting up hung over on holiday so i left it until the last night and that's the last night we booked the all-inclusive sunset cruise which was 30 quid each with unlimited beer or champagne yeah and it was bottles of beer as

well because i was like that'll be more i really want to go to croatia guys you know we were talking about poland we should maybe jib it off and go to Croatia guys I can tell you know we were talking about Poland should maybe jib it off and go to Croatia the well is our oyster then our prawn yeah

is that the start of school yes just wondering why haven't I downloaded the need to get it on the thing

oh one last thing at the end of the boat trip we sang hey dude and sam thought that that song was hey joe and she's a scouts hey joe i refuse to believe hey joe hey joey joey joey joey no she thought wow well one of our listeners thought Laura's Gone by the wonderful Finlay Cuvallus was War Is Gone. War is gone. It's when Jonathan Ross sings it. Yeah. No? I want to go on holiday.

I'm very jealous. Anglesey for six days doesn't quite fucking compare to Croatia for six days. It was gorgeous. I'm happy to be home though You know when you get like that Yeah What's your ideal

Holiday length I think ten works for me Ten days on a beach one But like A city That was half city break Ten days in any city When you're out and about

Doing stuff It's just tiring Oh god mate That first I like the city break Within a beach holiday. I want to do four or five days of total beach laziness before I go,

should we go to that big town? Should we go down Malaga or something? I do it the other way around. Right. I'll do the town stuff in the last three days, leave me the fuck alone. I'm sitting down, I'm drinking beer, I'm resting before I go home.

That thing where you wake up and you're out on the lounge or on the beach it's sort of like 9 45 10 a.m it's really fresh and everything and it's the weirdest thing because i don't drink loads at home i like a booze but i know how alcoholism must feel to a everyday 365 alcoholic because as soon as i'm on that beach i'm like oh come on quarter past 10 i mean i mean it's not even open they're missing business opportunity come on like i can't get much past 11 a.m without having a dev you're a bit odd with your food aren't you you're a bit picky with your food yeah so do you eat like the local stuff? I love meat, grilled meat. So when we're in, like, any of the sort of,

I don't like fish, but I fucking love steak, I love chicken. I'm not even that bothered about lamb, really, but when we're away, if there's a grill place and they've got some really nice, like, chicken options or steak options, i'm happy as larry i can go without eating bread i eat bread way too much in my day today just because it's fucking easy pizza and whatever but when i'm abroad a nice salad some french fries and and

meat oh mate that's my favorite yeah this was the first time i'd ever had like a fish do you know i mean i sort of do but i don't eat fish so i want to take the piss but probably i had a fish yeah when they bring it out and do they cut it in front of you no i've had fish before this was a fish yeah just like literally like what like it's still had its eyes and it's looking at me like go ahead let's fucking scram me did you see his arsehole well you see his arsehole i wasn't looking for it but i had the bones in you have to like so like they're so small i nearly killed myself like four or five times but it's justsehole? What? Did you see it's arsehole? I wasn't looking for it. But it had the bones in. You have to like, they're so small. I nearly killed myself like four or five times.

But it's just there, do you know what I mean? It's just like, fucking fish, mate. Yeah. Is that what he was saying? No, but like, that's what it would say

if it could speak. Yeah, probably say lad, why am I on a plate? I don't want to eat any creature where I can see the sort of like, I've never ate anything

where it's obvious what it is when it's alive yeah do you know what I mean when you have a fucking steak there's not a fucking cow looking at you like go ahead lad

have a bite of me fucking chicken well I always think that's a bit weird you know when they've got like one of those one of those pigs and they've like you know the pig roast and they've literally got their head

and they've twatted an apple in its mouth yeah feels disrespectful to the pig. Yeah, it does, yeah. I want it chopped up and put in packaging. One of those, ah, look at this snubhead!

What else can we stick in there? Yeah, because it just makes the pig look like a kinky slut, doesn't it? Yeah. Do you want to eat this whore? Yeah. Eat this piggy whore. Yeah.

It just looks like it's into bondage and stuff. Yeah. Eat me. I love it. When you see a hog roast, you think... Yeah, he sees an apple and it's the butt is the ball gag bondage yeah don't have to shag it or eat it dan looks at the

arsehole knows it's safe though hang on a little look in there that's definitely an arsehole hey hey i need to look in the arsehole of the creature I just want to know loosely Where it is That is true though isn't it No no no But it's unnecessarily sexualised to have a pig All like lying out With like a fucking ball gag Why is it sexual

Because it's got like a gag in it's mouth And it's laid in the bumming position Like a hog rose Is ready to be bummed by the right person slash other pig. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean, yeah. Shagging the pigs and that. It's laid there like, go ahead.

Go on. Help yourself. That's why they put the apple in, because it's too chatty. Yeah. Shut the fuck up while I'm bumming you You You're going down incinerating

In a minute You big pig Incinerating as well Incinerate that I want to eat it So you just literally Have fish on your plate Just like

Get on that Fucking fish Looking at you But I'm done now I could have been a dentist I'm done being a fish yeah you see the regret in his eyes

have you ever had a fish like you know what I mean no like a fish fish yeah it is weird I don't like the eyes

yeah shouldn't see the eyes you can literally see they're like gateway to the soul why didn't I know what a net was do you know what

this is going to sound mental the fish look quite happy. Right. It didn't look like too bothered that I was eating it. That did help. What? It looked like it wanted to wink at me. You wouldn't eat a fish if it was like...

Yeah. It'd be like, oh, it didn't want this. But the fish sort of looked like it had fulfilled its destiny. Sorry, mate. Can you take this back, please? I'm not going to eat this. This one, I didn't want this. But the fish sort of looked like it had fulfilled its destiny. Sorry, mate, can you take this back, please? I'm not going to eat this. This one, I think, misses its mum. Look at its eyes.

Tell me they're not sad eyes. I want one that's happy to either be eaten or fucked. Was it smiling? What? Was he smiling? Sort of. I can't really tell what it was. What emotion would you say you felt?

Satisfaction. Oh, so you're fulfilled she fulfilled yeah just like i'm meant to be here i'm being eaten by adam raw is that your satisfied face that's my that's my satisfied fish post sex so um that's there carl got any got any i just don't know whether that's the. Kyle, got any, got any, I just don't know whether I had to start at school. No, she didn't. Anyway, so about Croatia.

Yeah. We've held her back. Yeah. Yeah, she did start school yesterday. Uniform job and everything. Fucking, I don't know what it is about having kids that makes you a bit more emotional,

but it's, it does. It's love makes you a bit more emotional but it's it does it's love innit yeah it's love yeah and it's also that's it but on a selfish note it's your own mortality because I don't feel

I look different than I did 20 years ago but in my head I'm like still got it still going still done nightingale and then you make this little person and you go fuck me

four years has gone like that and all of a sudden they're like dad did you like my uniform? I was holding it together pretty well. A combination of me being an absolute wuss and then taking too many drugs in my 20s and then having kids has made me a little bit more emotional.

So Laura's like, are you going to be all right when we all go and drop her off? By the way, this is a primary school that's maybe got 40, 35 kids starting. Not even that. Wow. It was like queuing up to a League Two football fixture. It's like, how the fuck, how many people are here? We had mums, dads. We had grandmas.

Like, it was just me, Laura, the baby in the prime, and then Etta. Like, someone had brought their gran's next-door neighbour for the big fucking send-off. You're like, do you think that's a bit too much pressure? Just don't overplay it, because these kids will literally get that sort of, like, this is what we play for! You've got to, like, tone it down,

because if everyone's going, you start at school, start at school, start at school, they get to the first day of school and shit themselves. So we've been like, yeah, it's fine. You're fine. All your mates are going. So you'll nail it.

Don't worry about it. It's been the first day of reception for me. The whole class pooed all over the classroom. It's built up too much. If you've got all of your family,

your cousins, your fucking auntie and uncle, your gran, and your gran's next door neighbour going, it's going to be amazing! At four years old, you've got every right to be like, what? So on my first day of school so says my mom i came

home she said i was it was great yeah so i don't have to go again no do i yes for 20 fucking years yeah so based on what you're saying basically what ed said yesterday she was like i have to go back to school you like a lot yeah so buckle up if if what you're saying is right and getting them all excited and doing that into them maybe when i have kids i'll just do the opposite like you start in school don't worry about it fucking shite you're later yeah i think that might be going too far the other way a little bit happy medium i'm just saying they're four they're tight they are they look like little people in their uniforms they're still babbers that reception apparently there's no like sit in a class it's just they wander around

and play with stuff and then instead of like like going right we're going to learn about numbers they fuck around with things and the teacher just quietly comes up and goes oh how many things are here and they go one two three oh yeah yeah nice one you're not fucking stupid yeah the kids everything to teach is stupid one two three oh yeah yeah could you not do that yeah i'm gonna sort yourself easy that one this is why you're a teacher in primary by the way from not secondary coming home from school dad you sure i should be going to the school because the teachers are fucking idiots did you have a good first day yeah the uh teachers are mor idiots. You're asking me to count? Like, three and four? Did you have a good first day at Etta? Yeah, the teachers are morons,

but apart from that, the coffee's lovely. One set of parents had got their kid there. To be fair to them, they hadn't got loads of other people. It was this amazing, like, drop-off thing

where you were almost like paratroopers being fucking chucked out of the aeroplane. You were lining up, and the kids were goinged out of the airplane you were lining up and they got the kids were going in and then the parents were peeling off and uh this one kid cried and you could literally see why the kids started crying and our neighbor's neil his mom was there to do the send-off as well which is fair because they've seen a they've seen them grandma every day for four years she wants to be there she lives around the corner and then the kids started crying so the parents are like that sort of like nervy type and they started crying as well on the drop off for school they all three of them are crying. They're like, wind your fucking neck in, mum and dad.

I know you think it's important, but have some control. Oh, she's crying. Brian, she's crying. And I love Neil's mum just went, eh. She's from Newcastle. Even the dad's crying and pointing at him.

Everyone's like, shut up, too. What a shitbag. Amazing. I've got an idea for that one. What? Him? What, crying? Because his kids cannot hear him in fucking four hours, shut up, too. What a shitbag. I've got an idea for that one. What? Him? What, crying? Because his kids can't get to see him

in fucking four hours, the stupid cunt. There's just, there are certain moments where I'm not, I'm a bit, fucking man up, mate. Am I being a bit like,

old, like, your kid's fucking upset. What did they, like, oh no, you're crying. Dropping off at Auschwitz. What the fuck? No.

She dropped him off there, yeah. No, Carl. That would have been, that would have been a reason to cry,itz. What the fuck? No. You should have dropped them off there, yeah? No, Karl. That would have been a reason to cry, though. No, that's... Do I have to come back here tomorrow? That's a valid point. It's a one-time trip. Imagine if the fucking teacher was waiting for them.

Come on, get in. We're not dropping you off at Auschwitz. The Kyle. Like, yeah, that, yeah. I think just take emotion out of it completely on your kids first day of school send them with strangers

to drop them off so no one gets upset like that okay people they've never met and don't tell them where they're going either this could be a government scheme

it could put homeless people back in work oh I like it homeless people do they just knock on at yours yeah

if you're having kids with Sam she'll support it because she's gonna let you make a lot of these parenting decisions yeah

Sam there's a hobo at the door to take little Vinny to primary school yeah he's like

are you Mr. Rob I've come to drop you I've come to drop your little Vinny off at school

can I have some money for the fucking 20 I think the government pays for this as legislation in 2026 oh sorry it's a government a little viny off at school. Can I have some money for the fucking 20 bag, lad? I think the government pays for this as of the legislation in 2026.

Oh, sorry, it's a government, a homeless guy takes your kid to school scheme. Yeah. Yeah, because that sounds right. The Tories are really into

putting more money into this, so that's, yeah. I think the Green Party are going to be in charge by then and they might be more progressively thinking. They might take my ideas on board. Okay.

The Conservatives will not write back. Okay, I'd eat less fish because you've turned into a fucking hippie. Yeah. Yeah. thinking all right take my ideas on board okay will not write back okay i'd eat less fish because you've turned into a fucking hippie uh yeah i could get them back into work you know you could do apprenticeship schemes where like young homeless people follow around experienced homeless drop-off kid people yeah little vinnie gets put on the back of a suspiciously feminine bike as fucking yeah i like it yeah but then there's no emotion

is there they're not gonna they're not gonna cry because mummy and daddy are leaving them if anything they'll be fucking made up that they're not with the

fucking smelly homeless man anymore go ahead go into school oh my god this is amazing smells lovely teacher's got nice teeth what's that yeah just give them

one of the most horrifying five minutes commute to schools ever to make them appreciate school. Tell me it wouldn't work. I won't. It's brilliant. Crying at the fucking gates.

Include threats. Threats? What do you mean? To the kids. Oh, threaten the kids? You go into school with the homeless man your mummy and daddy will kill everyone you know and love. And ourselves? And ourselves. You would assume that they'd be included in everything right yeah now i'm loved like he's like yeah stan if you're struggling in the next couple of weeks then just let me know some ideas that we bounced off the wall we've been looking for child care

options we just hadn't thought of the homeless community. More foolers. No one does. More foolers. Nobody does, Dan. You can't leave them with homeless people in their care. They're quite like, you know,

they're people who have a hard time attending to their own lives and having children, but they can take them to school. Cool. Good.

They can't babysit. I'm glad you can't block me on that one, but we're all allowed to do your commute to school yeah that's a great idea what about for childcare? shut up Dan that's stupid

homeless people are really struggling they can't do childcare let's have a break let's have a break you know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally. But Manscaped have dropped a new ad. It's important. We love these guys. They've supported us. So support them. This ultimate package includes the amazing lawnmower 4.0. Manscaped, the leaders in male grooming, have done it again. Two million men worldwide that trust Manscaped with the new performance package 4.0.

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Nice. Do you like me flight tracky? You look warm. Do I? Flight tracky. That sounded well, Scouts. Do you like me fucking flight tracky? You always have a tracky.

You do? With a flight, yeah. What do you fly in? I know. Just comfortable clothes. But that's... Like a tracky. No, literally,

half of our listeners are going to be like, I don't own No, literally, half of our listeners are going to be like, I don't own a track suit. Half of our listeners are going to be like... I don't know. Our listeners, they've all got eight track suits each.

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When you get on the plane. Yeah, yeah. Totally. It's like there's no other comfy clothes apart from tracksuits. The captain wear them now. The captain wear flight trackies now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's a uniform. Michael Collision. Mike Collision and his co-pilot. Hi, my name's Steve. Fuck, a building! Got a question from Warren Bond. John Bishop's career.

I am supporting John Bishop tonight. Well, I'm supporting him next week, so. And it's like, I did Jason Manford on Tuesday, and I cannot believe you are on absolute fire, Ro. Fire! Where was it, Don? It was Shrewsbury on the Tuesday Ro where was it Don? it was on a Tuesday I said Shrewsbury on a Tuesday on stage I don't know if anyone was a

listener there was 600 people, it really felt like being upgraded to first class comedy wise, because I've played the Theatre 7 in Shrewsbury fucking loads and never been out of the Walker studio, which is 250 seats where Kev Bland runs his gig and I've compared their loads to where my tour show is.

And they're like, oh yeah, you're here for a big boy? Okay, here's your little fucking upgrade. And we were in the 630 seater and it was lovely. And Jason Manford, I've heard a little bit of like grumblings from a few comics. And I don't know if that's just a jealousy that they've not been picked for some of these tour supports that he's doing.

But he's jamming in last year's tour and this year's tour into one just, if you've got a ticket for what got cancelled because of COVID and you bought a ticket for this was going to be a new material sort of work in progress run. And he was like, Iackered i love doing it but i'm knackered he was meant to be doing wednesday thursday friday saturday uh for about four or five weeks just one show a night wednesday to saturday and because of all those cancellations he's doing two shows a night something like 30 times on the bounce and just doing this pretty intense tour. And it's part work in progress,

it's part what he's going to be doing on his major tour next year. But he has basically given tour support to a different act for every show. So is it Sarah Keysworth who was the early show? It would be easy to just be like, oh yeah, just get Dan to do that Tuesday. But just as a form of job creation because he knows everyone's been on their arse gig wise he's just given all these tour supports out yeah him him and John Bishop are doing the exact same thing and they're both doing

it via Peter Vincent aren't they so Peter Vincent for those who don't know is a long-time listener and supporter of the podcast and he's one of the best promoters in the country a couple of great gigs up in the northeast well more than a couple uh so he's booking of the best promoters in the country couple of great gigs up in the North East well more than a couple so he's booking all these tour supports so I'm opening for John Bishop in Swansea

on Thursday the 9th of September nice yeah and do you know why I picked Swansea because I was meant to be at the Cardiff Glee that weekend

but luckily he moved to Birmingham so I get to go to Swansea. Luckily, it's only an hour and ten minutes from Liverpool. I love the fact that they've done this. I think it's super sound. When Sean Locke passed and we all talked about

how you know one of these famous guys is a good guy, is how they treat people. This goes above and beyond really, doesn't it? To get a different support every time. I don't think Jason Manford wants me supporting him, really. Because we are pretty much the same age. We've got young kids and we started at a similar time. It's not awkward for him.

I'm beyond, I haven't got pride to the point where I'm like, mate, I started at similar times as him, I'm not supporting him. I got pride to the point where I'm like, mate, I started similar times as him. I'm not supporting him. I supported you a couple of years ago. There's a good gig. It's not about how long you've been doing it. It's about where you are in the pecking order. And it's almost like the thing about house prices.

A house is worth what someone will like pay for it. Well, a comic will do a gig that he's willing to do. Like some comics might go oh yeah you've been going the same time as some some are mental enough that they'd be like no i can't support you because you've not been going as long as me or i'm not into that i'm not into any of that i've never understood that if there's a gig that i want to do and it's big enough for like interesting enough or whatever i'll do it like you just do the gigs you want to do then the whole sort of insecure attitude i've been going longer so why would i do that and when i supported you on tour

there was 1200 odd people in that room it's fucking great fun let's talk for you as well yeah just in terms of a gig great it was really good i've had someone open for me who's been going pride become really good. I've had someone open for me. You've never let pride become a fucking weird. I've had someone open for me who has been going longer than me. A friend of ours who sort of made it clear that he didn't need to do it while it was happening.

Right. And I was like, well, you asked. Right. You asked to do, you were like, oh, I'm there.

He sounds fun. Yeah. Lovely. Great guy. right you asked to do you you were like oh i'm there he sounds fun yeah lovely great guy let's not say his name either no hey you know from before when we did the you don't know because i cut it out great great fucking fun um this is how sound Jason Manford is. He was like, oh, you're doing a tour here because my tour show, it sold amazingly in the first week, and I want to thank everyone who's gone and bought a tour show. It's not until next year, and because of the patrons, because of the listeners of this,

we've sold basically just shy of 1,000 tickets in about five days. The venues have been getting in touch with Tony and me going, wow, oh, like, because they were like, no, you can't charge that much for a ticket. Like they were trying to make me sell tickets for like seven quid because like, who's ever heard of him? And all of a sudden I've done better

than people have been on TV. I don't think Shrewsbury is one of our lid strongholds. Like Manchester and Liverpool. But I also do think Shrewsbury is one of our lid strongholds. Like Manchester and Liverpool. But I also do think, because our pod fans are, and I mean this in the most affectionate way possible, a lot of you are lunatics. Like seriously, borderline mentally ill, crazy people. And I think-

In the best way. And because of the running joke of Shrewsbury on a Tuesday on this podcast, think you could film your special in Shrewsbury on a five-night run and I think they'd all sell out because I think people will travel for the away day to Shrewsbury I've seen a few messages like oh yeah I can't get tickets exactly where I live I might be up for an away day I think it's so cool but Shrewsbury is one of those places where I might not sell it out. Liverpool and Manchester are going to sell out pretty fucking soon. So Jason was like, oh, you're doing a tour here next year? He's like, all right, wicked.

Went on. So he goes on first, which is always friendly as a big main act because it means he's going, hey, I'll warm you up. Like we've said, it sort of takes the magic of, you've just seen Jason Manford. He did 10 minutes of really nice stuff about being back in theaters and then he was like oh i've got a support act i've got a mate every night doing his support tonight we've got the brilliant dan nightingale who's doing a tour show here next year if you enjoy him tonight you can buy tickets for

his tour show and then he did a like five six, seven-minute story about him supporting people on tour. I've never seen a more generous, famous person setting it up for a tour. It was unbelievable. As the side going, me and Manfred have known each other years. We've never been like mates. I don't think I've ever had his number.

We've always been sound, always got on, always been matey like that, and mates with his brother Colin. But I've never been like, I've always been matey like that and mates with his brother colin but i've never been like i've got you i think that's the the line not like oh yeah they're a mate have you got their telephone number do you know why i've got his number because he needed me to go and play five-a-side once i take it though yeah because that number has helped get him on and he's coming on in the future in the future yeah we battered them as well he literally made it like this whole first section's about dan and actually mentioned i've walked on and they were like yes this guy it felt like going

out into in front of like our podcast listeners because manford had just played so i absolutely put my foot through it did some new stuff did some old stuff that feels new and then went to i'm doing the tour show here next year and it got a fucking round of applause sold a bunch of tickets that night and made Manford so fucking sound but this is about

John Bishop but this question is about John Bishop what is your thoughts on how John Bishop's career took off in such a big way after being on the

circuit for so many years Dan particularly is it something you'd hope to replicate uh myself and the missus listen to every episode keep up the good work from was and kate so if you don't know john bishop was not one of those ones who just came from nowhere and got famous he was on the circuit for a while yeah and then it sort of uh booted off yeah the other person i always think about

with this is Mickey Flanagan who was a circuit act for quite a while it was like one of the big dog comedy store headliners and then it really happened in a big way and I love it when people

have gone oh Dan you've been doing it for a while and maybe that could, but there are so few of those guys. There is almost more people who get the sort of traction early and get like the big agents going for them. Those guys who are 10, 12, 15 year veterans who then become famous, that's quite a narrow corridor.

Yeah, but they always end up bigger. Like, we've had, for example, people on this couch, like Sean Walsh, who was put on telly when he was 22. And I think if you, I can't speak for him, but I imagine if you speak to Sean now, he'll tell you he would have rather waited a little bit. To get the back catalogue stronger to get experience

yeah and Sean's an anomaly because Sean's ability to turn over top level stand up routines and deliver them with like Vim is just unbelievable he's one of the most

talented comics in the country but like I think a lot of people and I think this is actually one of the big problems with TV comedy and why it's not as good anymore is

it's all about young, new acts. Mock the Week has got a couple of veterans on it, or maybe three, and then everyone else is a few years into doing comedy. And because they're only on with each other, if you're into that show and you like it, we've slagged certain shows off on this podcast before. I'm not saying they're shit.

They're not shit. They're good. We know that you've got to jump through heaps, even as a new act. And, you know, obviously there's a huge push in TV for diversity and more female comics and more comics who are from different ethnic backgrounds and basically aren't just straight white men.

They've still got to be, you know, the best in their category in terms of our TV. Look at them. I'm not saying that, but that's certainly how it feels to these people that the industry are looking at them. You tick this box, so we'll book you. They've still got to be the best of that group, so they are good to get on the TV. But they're never going to be as good as if you put a certified 15-year veteran.

And that's why Mickey Flanagan did two or three episodes of Mock the Week, was the best on it, and was like, I don't need to do that anymore because now I'm filling arenas because he's so good on it. He's so good on Life at the Apollo. He's so good on Michael McIntyre's Roadshow. There's a few prodigious talents who get on early and fly. Manfred and Kevin Bridges are the only two

that I can really think of. Well, look at Helen Bower, who was on on last week she's got tv early for her years because you sit her on a couch i imagine she's the same on a panel show and it's mental it's watching it's so fun i one of my favorite episodes recently she she made me properly laugh yeah and and laura watched the episode and was like there's a few points where Laura knows me and knows when I'm like, like having fun within the pod laughing. And then, yeah, she can tell when I'm really,

really losing it. Yeah. And I think that those panel shows are pretty intense, but they suit a certain style, don't they? And certain characters can do, do you remember Joey Page? Yeah. I've seen him on fucking never mind the buzzcocks and he was he looked great i'd gig with him and he didn't have 15 minutes it looked like he didn't know how to do stand-up you if the point where he got buzzcocks if you'd put me on buzzcocks i would have looked

ordinary as piss because he was such a weird character and his personality, which was a little bit like, sort of almost like the, not the hipster, but like he'd been pulled out of like the late 1960s. And all of a sudden he was like an old man in a young man's body with fucking Winkle pickers on.

And then we'd go to a gig and I'd hoof it and he'd look unusual and like he'd not worked it out. Yeah, but like like I really like Joey but like this is early on by the way yeah but he's he's quirky on on the telly and he's good and he does come across well but like if you put you if you put the Joey page you're talking about and you both on would I lie to you you're you are going to be better at that joey's brilliant he was young when he and when he got those opportunities and he was when i'm saying young i don't mean in age i'm talking comedy age and it's happening more and more and more and more and more and they haven't got the

tour show they haven't got the dvd in them no they haven't always got a serviceable club set there's people who've done multiple panel show appearances right now who I wouldn't give 200 quid to come and do that Ron Conn gig because they can't do 20 minutes. And even if you put them in the middle, if the opening act is you and the closing act is Phil Nicol and you put Johnny, I've got 10 minutes in the middle, but I'm quirky enough to be on the telly.

They just look insane. Yeah. So, and what's happening is they're getting these tour and followings from doing these shows and then they're going on and I'm talking to some comics and they're like, oh, I mean, tour's been quite tough. I said, yeah. You've got an Edinburgh show.

It's not a tour show. Oh, yeah. And Edinburgh is a long show, but there's basically a crowd that are like, yeah show it's not a tour show oh yeah and edinburgh's like edinburgh is a long show but there's basically a crowd that are like yeah it's fine we'll just listen to this bit that wanders off and goes nowhere yeah it's fine we'll let you do that they're not gonna let you do that on a tour show in swansea no my mate i've paid 15 quid dickhead yeah i'm for my babysitter and for the meal i've just had with my missus and for the the car park. It's not 15 quid, is it? It's 200 quid.

I mean, it's back to the thing is, it's amazing. If you make it, you make it. The reality is, those guys who go a long way, there is quite a big sort of, there's a trap, isn't there? There's almost like the quicksand of being a white, middle-aged dad comic on the circuit and then to get out of that to look brilliant to look different it's very easy to just get because john bishop and mickey flanagan were brilliant but there are also a lot of white british straight blokes in their

late 30s early early 40s who were good at stand-up it's very quick to just sort of get tarred with the oh you're just the circuit comic yeah but when was the last time one of them got that break it was john bishop and mickey flanagan so as as yeah as much as we talk about diversity on the telly this doesn't benefit me in any way because i'm i'm i'm in a fortunate position i'm still in my 20s so i'm getting a couple of tv breaks because i'm young and as part of the diversity push now, they're talking about regional accents. So like agents are going to these big production companies and going, it's all right having a black girl, an Asian man, and a white girl who happens to be gay

all on your panel and calling that diversity. But if they all went to the same school, where's the educational diversity? If they've all got the same accent, where's the accent diversity? Oh, yes. got the same accent, where's the accent diversity? Oh, yes. Working class Scouse is a fucking minority. But it is.

That is actually what's happening. Like, I'm being pushed for stuff under the, he's a regional voice, he still lives in Liverpool, like, he's a young working class lad. Because it all comes full circle. And it, like, it's just a fact. It's the state of the way the game has gone.

People are trying to push their clients. It's my agent's job and every other agent's job to push their clients and get them as much good work as they possibly can. And because the big thing with these jobs at the minute is diversity, more diverse, let's hear different voices. You're now diversity. Yeah, but it'll come to something else

and i guarantee you that we haven't got enough racists yeah on this panel show that's where dan nightingale comes in i'll do rate up i can be that guy we're so underrepresented in comedy they are no homophobes hello anti-semites hey I love the way you did a voice for each one there

hey I'm an anti-semite what are you doing here there aren't honestly where are the paedophile comedians

where are they on the panel shows hello hello hi hi yeah what are they?

I'm just saying. I could fill a gap. And you want us to try and stop the non-showcare? We're trying to curb that. We can have one occasionally, can't we? Well, I guarantee you in a year, two years, there's going to be a pedophile on the Apollo. There's going to be a pedophile on the Apollo. Yeah There's going to be a paedophile on the Apollo. Yeah?

Yeah. Because they had pride at the Apollo recently. They did, yeah. Where's the whole paedo week? Paedo week? Like shark week. Like shark week. Paedo sharks.

That's more scary than a tiger shark. That's more scary. That's dead scary. Yeah. Paedo tigers. That's probably even scarier. Do they shag children sharks? Oh, yeah.

A pedo shark just bums baby sharks. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Mate, you'll never be able to sing baby shark. Come here, daddy, daddy. Can we have baby shark on? Oh, too many victims. Pedo shark. Do-do-do-do-do-do. Pedo shark. Do-do- on? Oh, too many victims. Pedo Shark.

Pedo Shark. Pedo Shark. Pedo Shark. Non-sea shark. There's your teaser. Controversial cancellations. What I was about to say to you is, in a year or two, genuinely,

I guarantee you there will be a diversity push for club comics, for white, middle-aged comics. I'm telling you, it will be the next one. Because, like, when was the last time they plucked a straight white male comic from the circuit and went, he's worked his ass off for a decade, two decades? They did it with Bishop Bishop Michael McIntyre Flanagan even Sarah Millican proper put the yards

in before she was on telly and stuff yeah has Mick Ferry done telly he's done bits Mick Ferry Mick Ferry got

early big big telly and then it just didn't work out McIntyre's road show he did a couple of comedy

stories with a line up of like yeah I remember that yeah yeah Steve Hughes yeah Millican

John Bishop and Manfred I think was that episode was it yeah it was some there were names like that that was a fucking

king maker that Michael McIntyre's Roadshow oh yeah absolutely I remember it being like if you hoof that into the floor

not that Mick did but like there are people on it who are like oh it's such a big chance it can't happen for everyone yeah it was that and the Apollo

at the time and one led to the other if you smashed one you were on the next and it was the next one yeah and then Royal Variety after that

yeah and then Pedo Week Pedo Week Pedo Week was massive yeah it was massive back then they're all dead now

so one day it's just Pedo Hour now because there's not enough to fill a week week. Pedo week. Pedo week was massive. Back then. They're all dead now. One day. It's just pedo hour now because there's not enough to fill a week. You're just going for the pedo clips really aren't you?

Still not live. Oh yeah. Got a history for it. Controversial cancellations from Indie Clone. Highlids,

Sheffield City Hall and other venues have recently cancelled shows by Roy Chubby Brown due to complaints by people who obviously wouldn't have gone to see the show

in the first place. Is it ever right to cancel a gig due to public favour or should venues stick to their guns? So I didn't know anything about this, but Roy Chubby Brown's been basically blacklisted from... Ironically.

Yeah. Whitelisted. It's literally no need for the add-on. It really wasn't, was it? I'm in your sleep. I know. But what have we learned about your little sarcastic add-ons? What?

They're really upsetting for a lot of people. Do you know what that was? Do you know when Ronaldo chips the keeper and then the fella comes in and heads it in on the line and he's offside? Offside, yeah. So Sheffield Online says, following complaints raised

by a number of residents in Sheffield and beyond, Sheffield City Trust has decided to remove Roy Chubby Brown shows from the City Hall's programme of events. The show was initially scheduled for early next year after it was rescheduled because of the pandemic. The decision to pull the show follows other towns and cities

who have banned Brown from performing in the past. Where do you stand on this? They've been very careful not to pluralise his last name there, haven't they? No typos allowed. Where do we stand on this? Because I feel like we're going over... I say this a lot.

Racism is obviously wrong. It's abhorrently wrong right obviously but what do you where does it where does freedom of speech come into it where does that whole thing of like where did where are we drawing the line of like this is unacceptable now and this has to be banned and does that just like weirdly radicalize the extremist to be like yeah we're underground man we're not allowed. Like, does it almost like... If it's tickets at behind closed doors, then I don't see why it would be.

If it's on like primetime BBC. No, it's so... It's a much more complicated issue than that, isn't it? Because it's something that I sort of... have to... You have to sort of weigh it up with the type of humour you do. It goes back

to that clip which we've mentioned recently actually about where we pissed the racists off online i did a joke that night at that get at that tour show in bridgewater and a guy thought i was on his side because of what i said about the black james bond yeah right so he'd missed the point he'd missed the point. He'd missed the point. But then there's people who argue it's the comics responsibility to get their points across. It's not his responsibility to make sure he's taking the right point from it.

And I don't necessarily agree with those people, but I also think that they've got, they've got a decent argument that I'm happy to argue with. And here's a prime example of, a decent argument that i'm happy to argue with and here's a prime example of he will say genuinely racist stuff on stage under the guise of i'm joking i'm joking yeah i am asylum seeker he had a song called i am asylum seeker yeah come on like racism to song it's catchy it's always better it's always better to sing your racism he it's it's it's complicated because he should have the right to freedom of speech but then does freedom of speech does that mean you're allowed to incite hatred and are these jokes inciting hatred can a joke even inherently incite hatred if it's meant to be taken as a joke?

It goes back to what you will say on stage and what you won't. You wouldn't say the stuff on stage that Roy should be drowned was. I wouldn't. Freddie Quinn won't, but he thinks he's got the right to do it. I've spoke to Freddie about this sort of thing before.

Freddie's argument is, if it's a joke, it's a joke. My argument is, if it's a joke, you should be able to defend it and I don't think he can. It's that grey area of what is a joke my argument is if it's a joke you should be able to defend it and i don't think he can it's a it's that gray area what what is a joke because you could get some like roy truby brown is fucking milk toast compared to some of the like there will be that we probably don't know about an underground circuit of like places where pretty extreme

racist comics will get some work. I know I may be making this sound made up, but I've seen the posters for it at the Birmingham Glee. Yeah, yeah, the Birmingham Glee. It's racist night! Urban night Wednesday, racist night Sunday. Never to be mixed up.

I genuinely think there will be some sort of like there'll be places like edl meetings and all of this fucking undercurrent of like extremist nationalist horrible shit where they book a turn and like yeah no he's got you know he's got the mainstream set that he does but if you ask him he'll do the fucking really extreme set. Is that allowed? Because what? Because everyone in the room goes, it's a joke. At what point is it not a joke

when is it just like fucking racial hatred? That's a difficult one. Because anyone could get to the end of their thing that most people find disgusting and go, oh, it's just joking. So that's the line. It's not a defend all, is it, just going, oh, it's a joke. No that's the line. That's a, it's not a, like, it's not a defend all,

is it just going, oh, it's a joke. No, it isn't. And that's why it's more complicated than, and that's where me and Freddie, for example, differ on what we'll do on stage. So what's Freddie's point? He can say anything

because it's a joke. Yeah. Right. Freddie will say anything on stage that he thinks is funny. Right. I don't think he'd go as far as in the jokes Roy Jimmy Brown does, because he hasn't so far.

But that is Freddie's opinion on comedy, is if I think it's funny, I'll say it, regardless of the connotations of it. There's things I say in WhatsApp groups that I would never say on stage because you and there's things you can say in front of your audience of podcast listeners oh there's jokes we make in in the last 20 minutes that i would never say on stage because i get everyone who goes oh we know these guys we've got the context of these guys yeah we like but at the same time

his audience would argue the same thing his audience audience would go, well, I know he's not a racist. It's so complicated an issue, and it gets asked a lot, a lot, a lot of comedians to the point it gets sort of tedious in the end. What can you say? What can't you say? What can't you say? Everyone's got their own line, and when I say everyone, I mean literally everyone. So if you're performing in a comedy club and there's 200 people there,

there's 200 lines of acceptability in that room because even in a couple your partner's got a different line of what they find funny to you and what they find oh you can't say that we're finding that line all the time but this is a question about venues

so this isn't about what comics can or are willing to say this is about where does it come in that a venue goes and now we are saying about venues. Yeah. So this isn't about what comics can or are willing to say. This is about where does it come in that a venue goes and now we are saying that this is too far and this is not allowed. I think once the show was booked in, the show should have gone ahead. Right.

But I think the venue should have every right to reject the show. I can say, for for example you know if i own a venue and someone's done jokes that is over my line i can go you're not playing my fucking venue go fuck yourself it's my venue absolutely yeah but they this is it roger b brown hasn't this isn't just a career turn and he's just become this guy he's been doing it for a while so when they booked it in they knew who they were booking

Sheffield City you know lads lads can we have a meeting he's been playing here for 35 years but I'm starting to think this Roy Chubb and Brown fella

might be a little bit close to born what do you reckon yeah they knew what they were booking it's just self-preservation now isn't it what

it's just self-preservation yeah times are changing to the point where even in Sheffield, they're like, this isn't on anymore. Because let's be honest, Roy Triburam might have never sold tickets in a art centre in Seven Oaks or whatever.

But there are places that wouldn't have had him fucking years ago for the exact same thing that Adam's just said. If you own a venue, you have a right as a promoter to go, I don't like you as just said if you own a venue you you have a right as a promoter to go i don't like you as an act and as a venue to be like i don't want you booking my room because i don't really agree with some of the shit that you say yeah and now sheffield which i think has probably been a it's a northern working class city it's quite cultured in places sheffield's

got a great uh sort of art scene music scene, but now they've gone, yeah, this is just times have changed to the point where we don't want to deal with you. Because he is a dying breed in each of me, Brown. Was it cancelled? Because this whole sort of mob mentality of the loudest people get what they want, I think is fucking insane.

If that show was booked in and people are buying tickets, they knew the act they were booking just because a few people have written an email or tweeted about it or whatever they've done. I don't think you can cancel the show. Yeah, and as you say, it's not a surprise. They're not going, oh shit, yeah, we didn't know he said that. I think what's happened is these shows were in during pandemic.

They've been cancelled because of that. And now they're not being put back on. Really, it's a technicality. Again, I would say it's okay then. Because even if you say, all right, we're going to let this run of shows go on, if Roy Truby Brown comes back next year and tries to put a show on and you go,

no, the end result is the same. Could have a change of owner. He's not welcome at City Hall. Yeah. But that's been long enough time they're reprogramming that's not rescheduling it's been so long now you're reprogramming the show of course and and what we don't often see is someone is the sort of arts director or booking director and it's after a guy could have been working there for 25 years like a dozen of numbers it could be a gay Indian man

who's gone fuck him how would he have said it why is he Scouse why how would he have said it Indian heritage grew up in Liverpool

loves a bit of dick oh that's disappointing what's his name okay Indian what's his name Indian from

Canney Farm. Name? Welcome to Sheffield. Barry Singh. He's got a learning disability. Okay, Barry. And he books. He books.

He books. The Sheffield. The Sheffield the Sheffield yeah he might do I'm not saying he does he doesn't it's possible it's not Barry

Barry Singh Barry Singh the Scouse cocksucker might be the new art director you're as soon as homosexuality gets mentioned

dicks are like centimetres away like it's like all straight people are like funny fucking Dave straight Dave no I think dicks are like centimetres away. Like, it's like all straight people are like, FANNY! AHH!

Fucking Dave, straight Dave. No, I think gay people are more obsessed with dicks than straight people are with Fanny. Look, if you can hear the typing, Carl's just Googling that. What's it called, Geoff? Can we go and see Roy Chubbie Brown, please? I want to see him. I want to see him live.

I want to see that knobhead who does the Peter Kay tribute act. I want to see what that is. Just for my own... I'll go and see that. Right. Because it'll help me write my routine. I don't want to go and see him. I can't be arsed.

I'll just hate it. I know, but I just sort of want to know... No, I tell you what. Do you know if he's ever doing, like, five at Hot Water? I'll go down. I'll watch five i'm not spending a whole night building around watching him do two hours 76 76 years tony who's doing my tour works at um uh blackburn theater and she's like oh we could sell it but we

we've chosen not to for a while yeah like these are there are still places going on is there not a part of you carl because you're a massive comedy fan? Yes. In a weird, just to see that, and don't think by me saying this, what I'm saying is I support it. I'm not, I'm really, I am what we've said about the freedom of, like I find that really an uncomfortable thing

to be like, because we deem ourselves on what I perceive as the left, of like, this is wrong. This is morally reprehensible shut it down like when a comedian got Greg Cook banned because he'd come out and said at one point I was in the EDL a more well-known headliner from an ethnic minority got his work cancelled at that comedy club which on the face of it you're like right yeah he's part of an anti-muslim sort of extremist group but but what right do you have to then cancel all their work it doesn't engage the problem it just sort of

i think makes it more militant yeah pushes it into the into the the wrong way if someone if you disagree with someone and they're wrong debate them like take them on and and try and educate change their mind don't just take their work but i've so i've spoke to friends about this sort of thing and we spoke about this on an episode of quotas full which is the old uh podcast that k cared used to run which was you know there's a lot of uh ethnic minorities who were the the lead guests on that it was k's podcast that's allowed he had regulars um and then you know he had the odd sort of guest which i would be with i was in london and ethnic minorities are sick of debating with racists so that that's their argument on it is

he's racist he hates me because of the color of my skin and where my family are from fuck him i don't care if he loses his work. Why should I have to defend who I am as a human just because that's how the world works? It's such a complicated subject. And what's going to happen is people are still going to... Anyone who's upset by someone's work or behaviour or whatever,

they're just going to get louder and louder on Twitter. This is going to keep happening. And the racists, as you say, are going to get more and more marginalised. It'll get worse and worse, and eventually it'll get better. And there's no answer to it because things are already too bad. There's some awful, horrible racist people who think abhorrent things. There's a lot of people who will go, they should have a right to work. And I see that point.

But I also really see the point from friends of mine who've suffered racism which we never have of why am i debating with this out yeah just just fuck him it's wrong just he hates me because i'm asian i hate him because he hates me so fuck him because and that's the problem isn't it because then greg cook who's passed would say i'm not racist yeah i'm not racist i was a part of a a a group that is specifically aimed at fighting the spread of sharia law in this country so he'd go i'm not racist yeah and then it gets so far down that rabbit hole because his set had nothing to do with that yeah his set wasn't that and i genuinely i'm totally agree and i'm on the i'm on the right side of it but i also

it just makes me uncomfortable that we can go shut him down take his work of course because what about if what if the table's turned in 50 years and it will because the line of acceptability is changing on an almost day-to-day basis, not even generationally anymore. And in 10 years' time, like, it might, there's something that we won't even know

will be, like, dreadlocks are offensive now if you're not black. You're seen as culturally appropriate. They're offensive to me. And, do you know what I mean?

Like, there could be, like, there's no limit to what it could be the Canada flag they could start a war and you're like

oh you're dead isn't that oh yeah oh you wore Canada flags back before they were racist yeah Roy Chobie Brown said in these strange times

of snowflakes and political correctness I am no longer welcome they can't help but use the snowflake he said why now why now

why am I unsuitable after 30 years at the city hall if you don't like me don't come and use the snowflake. He said, why now? Why now? Why am I unsuitable after 30 years at the City Hall? If you don't like me, don't come and watch. The City Hall said, we don't believe this show reflects the Sheffield City Trust values and ambition for leisure and entertainment in Sheffield. If you've had a ticket, you get a refund. You have to just change them.

They're both right. They're both wrong. And there's nothing we can do about it. That's the answer. Yeah. We discuss things on the podcast though so if we just did that too quick yeah you were right you know we can't resolve it i would say though if we started the have a word comedy club i wouldn't have him on no neither would i i'm not putting so so even though i'm there going oh it's been comfortable in it they're all like freedom of speech oh it's a bit uncomfortable isn't it the whole like

freedom of speech I'm like yeah but I don't want the I wouldn't I wouldn't want to put my name on it yeah and this is this is why people

on the internet are arguing with each other all the time because people take absolute points of view so people take the no it's a joke you can say anything

and there's people who say no if you say anything that's offensive then it's offensive and you shouldn't be allowed there's people who say no if you say anything that's offensive then it's offensive and you shouldn't be allowed to say it and the answer

is you're all idiots you're all stupid and the answer's always in the middle you dance on the line that's what comedians should do

you should dance on the line if you step over it ah I'll try and make sure I'm on the line next time just don't camp

on the other side of the line which is what he's been doing for 30 years. And that for me is just... Shout out to the guy in the pub on Saturday night, last Saturday, who got into the rights and wrongs of Sharia law way too quickly.

We were out with my neighbour, a guy he went to school with. We were talking about going to watch Wales games really quickly became um just sort of him talking about the threat of sharia law and you're like it was so he's like i know people all like talking about this stuff i was like i'll talk about it if you want i mean you've brought it up twice but you feel like going motherfucker you live in chester it's the whitest place ever he's like you've got a Sharia laws of worry mate

in Cheshire I don't think it's the biggest of threats oh it's so funny how they go for Sharia law like it's just it's a massive

massive problem mate I'm like I don't know man do you know what do you know what Roy Chubb-Brown should do so that everyone knows he's you know because when you talk

about subjects like this it's very easy to knows he's you know because when you talk about subjects like this it's very easy to be sort of you know I can never remember what I've just said even as soon as

it's come out to me I might have said something really wrong in that discussion we've just had and if he had like an Asian support act like people might

be more forgiven so I think in the second half of today's episode we should get an Asian in get one of them on get an Asian in nice

make sure people think we're sound oh yeah you know what I mean yeah what's happening guys just before we start this week's episode we should get an Asian in get one of them on get an Asian in nice make sure people think we're sound oh yeah you know what I mean yeah what's happening guys just before we start this week's episode

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If you support us, you get shit loads of content for us and you can only get it at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Go sign up now. Pause it here.

Sign up and then come back to this episode. It's going to be a belter. What the fuck was that? Just got to wait till it turns off. Wait till it turns off

to shut the lid. Yeah, otherwise the battery just keeps doing this got to wait till it turns off. Got to wait till it turns off to shut the lid. Yeah, otherwise the battery just keeps doing this thing where it runs out of battery. Well, I'm glad we did this little discussion

on here. On here. Do you leave it plugged in at all times? What? Do you leave your laptop plugged in at all times? No.

Oh, I hate people who do that. No, try and... Yeah. Eshaan's here! this is too early to podcast we should avoid the nine a.m starts like due to plug it in no good good that's bad for the battery yeah i agree it's so early now it's what 11 45 about 15 minutes ago i couldn't tell Finn and Steve apart and Steve

isn't here where the fuck is Steve he's working fair enough we haven't given him enough hours for him to leave his job yet we need to sort that out

once again another chat we could have had off how you doing bro how you doing bro I'm good man good to see you because you look good bro

thank you man it's nice to see you doing, bruv? I'm good, man. Good to see you, cuz. You look good, bruv. Thank you, man. It's nice to see you guys again after that amazing live show. Jesus Christ. Show-stealing motherfucker. Ice cream, ice cream. Well, actually, speaking of which. We need to get some merch made with you on a rickshaw. No, I haven't got any ice cream.

Did you think he was pouring ice cream out of his pocket then? Imagine that. Yeah. I got some very nice voicemails from old Dan Nightingale yesterday where it seems to me like he's grooming his son to be... Bengali? Basically. You know, it's Etta.

Was it Etta? Yeah, that was Etta. My four-month-old isn't leaving you WhatsApp voice notes. Etta, right. Let's have a listen to Etta? Yeah, that was Etta My four month old isn't leaving you voice notes WhatsApp voice notes Etta, right Let's have a listen to Etta Oh, fucking hell Saying my name, shall we? She rolls the R though

Can I just say She does it better than Adam That's not a bad At least she's trying for a bit of Ashan Akbar I mean it does like It's not right for us to do it

That way though is it No Ishan Akbar Ishan Akbar Yeah but I can't do that Because it looks You can't I can't walk into like

Somewhere Where you're using it This is me mate Carl This is me mate Dan This this is me mate Dan, this is Finn or stay depending on how tired you are. And this is, you can't do that. Cause it looks like I'm taking the piss. Saying it right makes it look like you're being racist.

The Scouse accent doesn't lend itself to certain names. Is that Ishan though? Ishan. Is that Ishan? It's not Ishan. Ishan. We had this conversation last time you were on. We can't do it every time you're on for fuck's sake.

Heshan. You took too long to correct me. I've got a question. Did you bring your imam to the live show? Okay, I've heard about this. Are we allowed to say it? Yeah, of course you are. Your cousin Imran.

He's not my cousin. Imran is not related to me. Imran is just another asian guy it's another mispronunciation right not imran imran i didn't even say imran imran imran imran imran imran he's doing two a's anyway so he's my best mate yeah and he's a big fan of Liverpool Football Club And a big fan of the pod Oh shout out Shout out to Imran

Imran And he James watched my show in Edinburgh Nice guy Yep Good guy He recently is divorced Okay

Recently divorced And he's been living in my living room for the last five months Oh I can't let me start sad story louder fucking hell uh and that has been challenging uh-huh okay yeah and so when he came to the live show he wanted to smash some puss basically he ended up shagging someone a pay um a 10 pound patrons mrs oh no sister sister can you imagine yeah where me sign Basically, he ended up shagging someone. A £10 patron's missus. Oh, no. Sister.

Sister. Fucking hell. Can you imagine? Where are my signed posters? Yeah. Where's your wife? Yeah, so he ended up sleeping with someone's sister. Yeah.

And they then emailed in and said, Eshang's brother, Imran. But I read it quickly and read Eshan's imam Shagmai can you imagine my imam turning up to the live show

oh what ice cream ice cream I loved it I just loved the thought of your imam going

so what do you do and you're like I'm a comedian he's like I'd love to come to one of your shows any that you think would be a good one to come to i think the crowd say fast party in liverpool it literally said after the live show we all went drinking carl read it as with ishan's imam like he's like do you know what when i'm not

in the mosque i really i really let my hair down yeah yeah, yeah. I smash sisters. I get hammered. And then, you know, not on a Friday. I'm an imam. I'm converting them out of Islam, basically. I'm going around unconverting Muslims. Good on you. Imran? Good on you. You're standing in Leicester Square opposite that fella giving free karans.

Yeah. You're just giving out free bacon butties and shots or something. Bacon butties and shots. Did someone give out free karans, yeah? What? Someone give out free?anja what someone give off free yeah yeah there's a few of them

mad walking around they're like take one read it and you know change your life become muslim welcome

is it in english what is it in english yeah i think they have an english one and a french one can you imagine adding out

arabic ones to all these tourists going gonna have to learn it they're not yet duolingo you know you know Arabic ones to all these tourists going, I'm going to have to learn it. They're not yet. I'm just going to have to duolingo. You know, because you left Islam when you were a bit younger.

Yeah. Do you still have a Quran in your house? I've got five. Five. One in each room. Do you have like a waterproof one in the bathroom? Is it like Harry Potter weird? It's funny that. Never mind, go on.

It's funny. It doesn't work. Is it like Harry Potter? That was It's funny, that. Never mind, go on. It's funny. It didn't work. Is it like Harry Potter? That was really funny. That was funny, though. And it'll never be said, though. That's supposed to be really funny, though.

And not laughed. What did you say? Don't mind that. No, it does. Don't mind. It's gone. Your face has changed. No, but sometimes that happens.

There's a little gap. One of us sees the gap. And Adam's like, no, I need to ask you this question. Right. I saw a gap for the funny. And now it's sometimes that happens there's a little gap one of us sees the gap and adam's like no i need to ask you this question right i saw a gap for the funny and now it's been it's been i mean it was related to accidentally trampled on and it's a fine what was it related to don't want to he said do you have a waterproof one in your bathroom i said you said i've got five crowns i was like one in each room yeah just going for the waterproof one but it didn't work it got trampled on and what's made it more AIDS is this AIDS 100%

I think this has been I think the Harry Potter waterproof AIDS and that as well that was AIDS as well these are AIDS in every room

except the bathroom but are they all the same one yeah all the same yeah and is it written in Arabic or English

written in Arabic yeah and I've got two English ones yeah when you is it written in Arabic or in Arabic yeah and then I've got two English ones yeah when you can't buy one in every room is that part of the deal no no I've just got five that's just culturally just what my family decided to do and you have to put it in the highest possible place in the room but it is awkward because sometimes you might catch a glimpse of it when you're having sex or wanking. And then you're a bit like,

there's a passage in there which forbids me from doing this. But there's also another passage in there which is like, go ahead, have a nice time. You know? Yeah. Do you know, I don't feel comfortable doing the Quran wank bit. In my head, like before we were all like

is there a waterproof one and we're all trampling over each other and now there's loads of silence me and Adam are like well do you want to do the funnest

I'm not blocking anyone's ear mate no no no I'm not doing that again in their brains you can just hear them go beep beep

all of a sudden we're very we're very open anyone hey Steve do you want to do a bit come on Steve All of a sudden We're very We're very open Anyone Hey Steve Do you want to do a bit Come on Steve I'm so sorry about that

Does it stay there Forever Do you get it down And read it Yeah you take it down And read it But you just Yeah

So you don't have to Read it up there You get a ladder And just hope Top of the wardrobe Hope that God Doesn't punish you As you're reading it

And just slam down Onto the floor What's the're reading it. Just slam down onto the floor. What's the last line? Is it like, and they all are a decent time? The last line is an acknowledgement. Thanking all the people that helped. God, I don't know. I don't know what the last line is. I don't remember.

And they all woke up or something. Don't be a cunt. I don't know. I hope so. Don't be a cunt. A kiss. That's been interpreted differently yeah exactly right now can you believe it

so you know Afghanistan heard of it right stuff going on ISIS K is who they're called ISIS K they think the Taliban are too moderate right so there's like a debate raging right now in Afghanistan because the Taliban are like,

we can't let ISIS-K come in because they're going to fuck shit up. I thought we saw it at Afghanistan House. There's been an update on that. There's been an update. Everyone just missed the man. I've been encouraged. You've been away.

Yeah, everyone was like, I really miss roasties, so we're going home. Yeah. Basically, everyone was like, oh, God, I really miss roasties, so we're going home. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, everyone opts and left. ISIS think the Taliban are too moderate. Yes. Well, Taliban actually run countries, don't they?

ISIS don't do that. ISIS are like... They want to, and they did for a bit in a place called Levant, which is kind of in between Iraq, Syria. And they play in La Liga. Levante.

Yes, they do. Very good. Blue and white, blue and white strip. That was a good run. That was good. We all thought it and left you to tap it in. I was in La Liga. Fancy do.

You do that so horrible, you curl your tongue. You know what I like? Levante. fancy dude you do that so horrible you curl your tongue you know like Levantes that must be annoying that a waterproof thing got anyway La Liga reference so where are ISIS in this whole thing

the Taliban are taking over they seem pretty brutal ISIS is like hanging back in the mountains going just let these cunts settle in they're the ones doing the bombings at the moment

they're the ones bombing around Kabul airport trying to force the Taliban out so that they can take over yeah is like hanging back in the mountains going just let these cunts settle in they're the ones doing the bombings at the moment they're the ones bombing around Kabul airport trying to force the Taliban out so that they can take over yeah

fucking hell what does the case stand for Watford managers have you ever heard enough kind of stuff in there let's get into

the one by one make it freaking fire Ishan what does the case stand for in there I don't that's a very good question

I don't know Crazy Yeah I mean I don't know K is often Fancy by quite right wing things You've got the KKK

You've got ISIS K You've got Special K Special K Krispy Kremes Yeah You've got Kevin Kilban

Yay The thing is With the Taliban I think he was left And ISIS They are the Kevin Kilban They're all shitting it When Kevin Kilban turns up

When they're like Yeah He played on the left wing I think he played left Hey I said that joke 10 seconds ago Did you

Yeah Oh sorry mate He dabbed He dabbed On a joke He bogged with it how you been you're right i'm all right i uh honestly in my head i was like where can we take the kevin kilburn thing afghanistan and then i just went nope so this you've been all right i've been all right so this morning Basically Not this morning A week ago

I used the wonderful Manscaped products Uh huh To trim Did you use our code? Yes Oh yes What is the code Alan?

Word20 Word20 Word20 Manscaped.com You're a patron You're not just Absolute pod royalty So we put out some questions

On Patreon The response was amazing In places it was just like a patron you're not just absolute pod royalty so we put out some questions on patreon the response was amazing in places it was just like could you tell him i love him like it was just really nice but you actually seen the questions because you're a patron as well yes i've seen some of the questions um but i was telling you about this thing that happened yeah which is i used the manscape thing used trimmed whatever and on the it's called the pubis isn't it? The Mons pubis

the Mons pubis Is that the fat bit over the dick? Yes and for me it's a really fat bit over a really fat dick and I

Oh I am really glad you made eye contact with that camera because that could have turned me I could have gone straight k so where's the pubis the fat bit just above the penis yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the bit the bit that when you're thin looks sexy and when you're fat yeah another person in between. I've got a little pudgy, pudgy munch pubis. So I had an ingrown hair there.

Oh. And it grew, and it was fucking painful. So this morning in the shower, I popped it, and honestly, it felt like an orgasm. It was fucking amazing.

Sorry, what? You popped an ingrown hair? It ends up in a spot, doesn't it? Oh, does it? Yeah. Grew out the, pulled out the hair. It's like this long. Mama like that. This pus and blood start coming it? Oh, does it? Yeah. Pulled out the hair. It's like this long.

Mama liked it. There's pus and blood starting to come out. Oh, man. I feel so much better. Midday. I had no idea where that story was going, but I'm not happy with where it went. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why did you have to mention our products that we're trying to sell in and around your Popping Something Mingan? I use the Manscaped products. Use code WORD20. My balls look pristine. Oh, boy. Do you go for the full?

Yeah, the full kit and caboodle. Because also, this is one thing that I have kept from my days as a Muslim. Well, two. First being the circumcised penis. You can't regrow a false penis. No. The other is Korans all over the shop. You could use some sort of

like luncheon meat to make a new like helmet though. Carry on. The thing with luncheon meat there's luncheon meats luncheon meats

aren't generally that diverse. Yeah. They're all quite pink. You could cook it though. Which one would I cook? Turkey. Turkey. Or Manscaped.com Use the code quite pink you could cook it though which one would I cook use turkey turkey

or manscape.com use the code word20 or cook a leg of lamb yeah and then use

to be fair my foreskin would be the size of a leg of lamb you're right that's true just put a leg of lamb on the end of your dick yeah

fuck someone with a leg of lamb you're quite a hairy person though you go for the full the full the full piop chow no no I mean it's

there's still a little bit of hair there I do like a runway up the mons pubis yeah

what you've got like a reverse mohican above your dick yeah pointing down or sideways down

in case you ever want to handjob off a blind girl she just follows the trail the braille braille Down. In case you ever want to hand job off a blind girl. She just follows the trail. The braille. She's braille. Found it.

She's got ingrowing hairs that say nice tits. She rubs her fingers over the spot. Says nice tits. And she takes that as a compliment and sucks it off. I've got nice tits yeah, here's a go at that. What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? I've got next to check Here's a go at that What

What What have you got Braille spots Right She's like It's not called braille spots It's called braille Nice

Tits Oh Cheers I mean he could have just told her She's not called Braille Spot It's called Braille Nice Tits Oh Cheers I mean he could have just told her She's not deaf No but Exactly Mine was a

You follow that line And you get it Yours is like Yeah yeah You could read it Or you could just go You got nice tits by the way love Nice one Ishan

Nice one You're definitely white aren't you Because with a name like it no but like it looks like effort doesn't it it's like when you you know like on like valentine's day when you take a girl into a hotel room and you've put i love you in rose petals that's nice isn't it you could just say i love you or you can do that. It's the same with this. You can say nice tits or you can grow spots in the pattern of the braille. You know? Absolutely.

Have you done that? Rose petals on a bed saying I love you? Yeah. Premier in? No, no, I've done something similar though. Like on Valentine's Day this year,

I built a teepee and put rose petals in that, didn't I? Yeah, you did. Just rose petals in the teepee and quilts for banging. Quilts for banging. About 400 pounds worth of quilts.

He made a fuck bivouac in his house. A what? A fuck bivouac. What's a bivouac? A bivouac. What's a bivouac? No one go to Scouts? Cubs and Scouts?

No. Oh, I was at Scouts for a very short period of time. What happened in Scouts? I kept pissing myself. And our Kayla was like, fuck off, mate. They had these grey shorts. It wasn't because of the grey shorts, but I was too young and nervous. You pissed yourself because you were wearing grey shorts?

Dirty protest. It's like, tell you what, what with grey piss stains really show up and that was too much pressure on a younger Shann like oh my god I lasted a week because two of the four days

I was supposed to be there I pissed myself how old were you? I don't know five, six why? was this a problem when you were younger?

no yeah I just got nervous. And when I used to get nervous, I used to piss myself. What were you like? Because Etta's just started school and we've talked about all the parents dropping off and there's lots of people being fannies and getting too emotional.

Etta literally just went, you could see the point where she was like, maybe this is, I'm a bit nervous. My wife just went, you're fine, get in. And she never looked back. And she came back and she said she had a good time were you all right when you started school because because pissing yourself at cubs is a bit that's a surely a bit of a worry as a parent like it is a bit of a worry but the thing is i was fine at school but something about scouts i think because there was exercise involved

so even even at five or six i was like no i think you forced that piss out didn't you you definitely pissed yourself on purpose didn't you maybe i don't know but i i think you forced that piss out didn't you you definitely pissed yourself on purpose didn't you maybe i don't know but i i think you know full well that you were like i don't know if we're gonna be friends anyway two out of four days i've got scout based incontinence i think i need to go home um yeah so i i lost a week there anyway you were saying what um what were you like sports? The whole sports thing just freaked you out, did you? Like the exercise thing.

I love sports. I loved sports. So I played cricket for the Essex Seas at under 12 and under 13. Which is no mean feat. No mean feat. Countywide. Essex was good as well. You were battered or a catcher?

It was Nasser Hussain Essex Yeah Yeah In fact his dad was my coach Joe Shut up Yeah What Batter or a catcher

Yeah What position did you play Silly mid off I was a They don't know cricket And they're just gonna Start saying words I used to play cricket

Silly mid off Did you just say Nasser Hussain's dad Is called Joe You made it out like That was the only position You could play Joe Hussain yeah

Don't move Carl to the boundary. He won't go. He's just at silly mid-off or nowhere. I'm a slip as well. So yesterday we said that we'd go. Yes. Because of this, because of working with these fucking lunatics, I'm not putting in as much weekend work,

and I want to go and do stuff. And I realise that half the stuff I want to do is sporting-based, and I want to go and watch England maybe but I want to see Bengal Bangladesh I want to see Bengal or Pakistan

I want to go to the cricket with you I'd love that How good would it be England Bangladesh Oh can we all go to that Yeah In the Bangladesh end

Do they have an away end No they don't segregate them It's just like loads of England fans and then a few like happy Bengals If you go to the first ever Yeah, come on. In the Bangladesh end. Do they have an away end? No, they don't segregate them. It's just like loads of England fans and then a few like happy Bengalis. If you go to the first ever Bangladesh cricket ultras and we'll just go around punching people's heads in in the name of Bangladesh. Yeah.

Are you sure? Yeah, all right. Do you fucking want it? Can we just do some day drinking? I want to see. Were you good at cricket when you some day drinking I want to see were you good at cricket when you were growing up yeah I was very good at cricket

I wasn't as good as my dad because my dad played internationally he played for Pakistan did he in the under 19s so what how has he been here

this many times and not told us your dad is an international Pakistani cricketer he played he played for under 19s opened the body

with Makar Yunus what was Yunus. Waka Yunus. Was he a hitter or a thrower? He was a bowler. How many caps did he get? He didn't. He was U19.

He didn't play in the seniors. Waka Yunus, genuinely one of the best international players of all time. Yeah, yeah. A lot of luck, cricket, though, isn't it? Just literally. Let's go. Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!

Imagine if this was the roost. The whole roost. And all the shit that we've given you. The thing that made you blow yourself up was Adam taking a piss about cricket. Right, that's it. Five seconds. I'm done.

See you later. So, elaborate, Adam. Cricket is mainly luck. I just don't think there's as much skill to. So, elaborate on how cricketers mainly look. I just don't think there's as much skill to it as, like, 40 and a half. Okay. We've said this about, like, rounders, haven't we, in baseball? Baseball looks like luck. Swing getting open.

Yeah. It's not. Do you know what? I might be part bang of their sheet, and I might like fishing, but I'm not falling for that bait. Absolutely no chance. So I yesterday we were saying

how good would it be if we actually played a bit of cricket? Yeah, let's go. If we got the cricket whites filmed it for a Patreon thing. Yeah. Because he loves

I love cricket. Not, I don't think to your level but I would love to see you if we got to a club and we got one of the Yeah. Just having him face

some medium pace yes would be amazing 60, 70 mile an hour imagine if I just hit a fucking belt like a home run six

whatever you use to call it he's such a wide number yeah imagine if I hit a cricket home run game over he's won home run

try touchdown yeah it would how amazing would it be if Adam was hurdles Game over He's won Home run Try Touchdown Yeah It would How amazing would it be If Adam was The weirdest Wunderkind

He was like We never realised it Because he'd never been asked But he's actually One of the best cricketers Naturally Like fucking You know that happened

To Shane Mourne The West Derby Tendulkar Because he was So much fun You know that's why If he just came up and went Gerrard

Gerrard Fucking Gerrard Touchdown Goal Bastard Every time he hit it Did you That's what happened to Shane Warne

Did you know this He wasn't bothered was he not No so Shane Warne Is for those who don't know Regarded as one of the world's Greatest ever leg spinners Australia Australian player

And now he sells Built in wigs He does sell Built in wigs and he shagged liz did you see his pictures he shagged liz hurley did you see him banging his neighbors no there's a picture of him him his wife and his two neighbors and they're all just banging hi yeah i'll get a picture on my wall and put a picture of it wow google it is that in australia or in london they i think it might be in london you know what they do? Like Taika Waititi is in the thruple

isn't he? Yeah. They do that around that part of the world the Pacific. Right. Thruples and

quadruples or whatever it is. We don't do it in Chester. We don't do it in Chester. So Shane Warne was about 19

years old wanting to play Aussie Rules. Had a major injury of his knee. He's a big lad isn't he? Big lad.

Injured his knee and Aussie Rules was the thing that he? Big lad. Injured his knee. And Aussie rules was the thing that he wanted to do. Six months depression. His mates were like, mate, just come to the Nets and play a bit of cricket. Just have a bit of a laugh. And he'd never played cricket before, really.

Turns out, fucking amazing at leg spin. And lo and behold, 400, 500 wickets later, pow! One of the world's best. So that could happen with old Rory bags over there. Well, obviously he goes into it thinking that is what's going to happen. Adam, what would be your choice of bowl? What would you go for?

What do you mean? Like you're saying... Am I bowling or batting? A leg spinner. You can do both. I see you as an all-rounder. Very much an all-rounder. What kind of bowl have you got?

You can go off-spin, leg-spin, swing, pace. Some doozers. But it's in my interest, isn't it, to lie now and a bowl you got you can go off spin leg spin field it swing silly mid cunt pace yeah some doozers but it's in my interest isn't it to lie now

and tell you I'm gonna do a leg spin and then do a pace because then you'd be like I was gonna do a leg spin there's no way you're doing it can I just tell you now if you do a run up for the pace there is no way

no way you are doing pace what's pace running fast and throwing it running fast throwing the ball at 90 to 100 miles an hour. Well, hang on, hang on.

That's like test pace. Okay, 80 to 90 miles an hour. All right. 70 to 90 miles an hour. That's what I always say. Shoot for the moon. Shoot for the moon. Shoot for the moon

and you might reach the fucking M6. Shoot for the moon. Jeddard. Damage. Give you another fucking ingrowing hair so how fast

do you think you could bow right now I've probably about 79 to 82 fuck oh really eh

right now this is gonna be a Patreon special I want to I wanna fucking I honestly thought we'd go into this

and be calling bullshit on Adam I want to see you break 75 miles an hour I'll give you 100 pounds okay shut up let's do it

and if you don't I suck a dick are you a pace bowler then I was a pace bowler yeah medium pace medium now I can't wait I took four wickets in a row in a house game four in a row i can't wait

i honestly this needs to happen let's do it i it's usually him that gets revved up and now i'm revved i want to see you bald let's do it lad see i i don't even care about it that's why i'm not revved up i'll do it because it'll be a laugh and we'll film it and that but like even if i'm brilliant at it i don't want to do like even if I even if I'm there and like you know you're right

and I'm the best cricketer of all time Adam we've got a test against Australia the ashes are coming up and you're like mate I'm doing Brighton Comedia

that weekend but I would I would do that though I'd rather go and just do my gig at Brighton Comedia than fucking travel to Australia to throw a ball at some knobhead with a bat. Yeah.

How much would you need to you're 29 now, at most you could probably play top level to your sort of 34, 35 maybe 36, because I don't think you've looked after yourself Jimmy Anderson style no offence.

You've got six years in you say a five-year contract from lancashire and then maybe a bit of ipl money to top it up england international is india premier league how thank you how much i see you as a rajasthan royal how much would you need a year to genuinely normally get paid what's this like the england contracts about 400 grand a year or something like half a million a year you're doing that on patreon next year oh we're doing 400 grand next year ben stokes makes 3.3 million a year yeah he's absolutely top top top of the line top of the line for now for now you're not interested what you're not not interested you'd have to break his salary cap

4 mil and I like how he takes a swig of his cherry coke afterwards I've got questions about the scouts too what do you learn in the scouts knots tie your tie

I went to beavers, cubs and scouts you learn the survival skills that refugees just know automatically right like camping bivouacs like that setting up a tp so it's just outdoorsy shit it's just outdoorsy shit yeah starting a fire literally loads of badges that you can get for all sorts like photography it's as i'm saying it i can feel him looking at me like it's like knots it's there's a sailing badge there's all everything that is just young tory bullshit the cubs are like come on guys who knows how to fucking was it the the founder enoch badden powell or something baden powell enoch powell not enoch powell baden powell lord baden powell much different people but it's yeah outdoorsy

knobbedy sort of did you do the duke of edinburgh at school i wanted to go uh kayaking that was it yeah it's not it's in the same ballpark as that's what healthy i love it okay and then we ran away from a teacher on the beach we did that's all we Is that all you did? That's all we did. I went to Mackie's. That's all we did. I've got a question. If we started the Scouts, what would we teach?

Yeah, what are the badges? Good. Prudent financial management. Badge. Well. I could do with that badge, actually, if you count me out. Ishan, the queue of Scouts

waiting to come and do the badge with you. Prudent financial management. Basic cooking skills. I think cooking could be one, yeah to come and do the badge review. Food and financial management. Basic cooking skills. I think cooking could be one, yeah. Adam could do the cooking. Finger in. Because I think there's a lot of misinformation about fingering.

I have a very good finger. I am an outster. Two things I'm good at. Licking pussy and flicking pussy. I know what... I thought I was trying to be the edgy one with the finger in. Eshaan's got, nah. Licking and flicking the pussy.

Why do you flick it? Oh, flicking is good. Says. The women. The women. Says the women. You flick the clit. Not flicking like that.

It's not a carom board. It's not Sabutio. Flicking like that. That's not flicking. That's like that? That's not flicking. That's flicking. That's not flicking. No, you're not rubbing it. So you're not just rubbing it like that constant.

That's a flick because you touch it. That's a leg spin. No, Ishan, when you say flick, it sounds like there's a dead fly on a mantelpiece and you go pow. What, I found a clip? Pow. That works too.

Yeah, they love that. Okay, so we're doing pussy flicking. Yeah. Fingering Cooking I think those two Could be probably In the same badge

No no no They're different badges Alright Conilingus Licking Financial Yeah Adam

Darts Darts Can you play darts Yeah Can you Anyone can play darts Yeah That's true

Are you good at darts I'm alright My dad's good at darts's true. Are you good at darts? I'm alright. My dad's good at darts. My little brother's really good at darts. What does alright mean? He probably beat all of us. Really?

Probably. Is the darts board lowered for you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on the floor. I just stand above it and drop the dart. Why did I enjoy that so much and I'm an inch smaller than him

I don't know how much bigger than me he is I know he's just funny not a tall man is he but you do look

like you should be small yeah honestly you've got small man energy do you know what I mean

you see Adam sometimes he looks like he should be small but he's genuinely not that small. I'm like six foot two. Six foot eight.

Six foot eight at least. Five twelve. So what else are we doing? We're doing dance. Pussy work. Oh, we could do, because on Friday. Can we do podcast production?

That'd be really helpful. I'll do that. Yeah, video editing. These are important skills. On Friday, I did a speed awareness course, so we could do like a shortened version of a speed awareness course why would a scout need to do speed awareness oh yeah they're too young yeah in preparation yeah maybe like don't take too much to drive

that's some financial prudence driving no you want to flick it Like this Hey Put them car keys down Dickhead Like this That's ridiculous Pew I got bitches All on my

Erm Maybe some traditional Scout ones as well But there is a thing With the scouts I always just like Maybe this is sort of Hindsight being 2020

And all that It all just seemed like Stuff that You know you should just learn Naturally growing up anyway What starting a fire? Yeah you just get some Sticks and that

Bit of petrol And throw the match on Without petrol Yeah Gypsy Do you know what we should do? Hey Hey

Do you know what? A Patreon series Dogfighting Of you lot Caliban sales What kind of fucking Scouts is that? Get the fucking

Vets on Get the fucking Trigs on Get the fucking Dead dog Sticking on Burning Vets cost

Fucking money Hey What What badges Have you got? Scouts? What do you mean Gypsy Scouts?

We've got fucking Loads of them Burning tyres What badges have you got? Scout? What do you mean, Gypsy Scout? We've got fucking loads, lad. Burning tyres. Punching someone's fucking head in. Have you got pussy flicking? No, yeah. It's meant to be survival.

You're not surviving with a big can of petrol in your pocket are you you're winning mate you lot listen you lot need to go on a survival weekend and record it

oh that's a great idea it's not a bad idea you know that is you should fucking do that that would be sick I'll tell you this right

did you ever did you ever watch the show hunted yeah yes have you seen it have you seen it channel 4 one where you set off yeah yes have you seen it have you seen it channel four

one where you set off and then they're trying to look for you yeah but you can literally go anywhere and hide you can go anywhere you can't in the uk hasn't it i think it's gonna be in the uk no you can leave the country if you can but it's hard to leave the country without a passport isn't it so the idea is like not if you my parents. Let's not get back into that. So the idea is you apply for the show and they go, look, any time in the next six months, you'll get a text to say,

you've been successful, you're on the show, and it starts now. So... That would be such a good scam, wouldn't it? If you were expecting the text yeah to say disappear yeah but it wasn't from channel four yeah it's from local burglars yeah you've got to go now you see some bellin running off thank you but i i always felt like it was be quite easy for a comic

because what i'd just do you know in that six months while you're waiting for your text every time you gig with a comedian just not not with any record

of anything you say to them like I'm coming can I have your address I'm coming to yours and then you just go and stay in their attic for a bit

ride it out you know comedians don't have money yeah some of them don't have attics what and they live in beds't have attics. What? And they live in bedsits.

Yeah, okay. Attics. I love it how Adam's making himself the Anne Frank of the fucking... Yeah. Dear diary. Channel 4 producers, who have you got upstairs? Do they give you the head start? You get an hour.

But also, they'd announce you on the line, wouldn't they? What do you mean? So if you're doing comedy... Yeah, but it's in that many cities and towns. Yeah. So I'd just speak to as many comics as I could

sort of off the record in the six months. Yeah. Get as many addresses as I could. Yeah. Go to one of their houses who I'm not really mates with.

Right. And stay in theirs for a bit and just be like, look, it's under grand prize. I'll give you 500 quid. Why would you want to stay in an attic of someone who you're like look it's under grand prize I'll give you 500 quid why would you want to stay in an attic

of someone who you're not particularly good mates with to win the money to win the money yeah but they'd know

what I'm so confused I like it but then they'd know you were in their attic yeah but they're not going to tell the channel

4 producers are they yeah no of course not so why wouldn't you spend the time with say me because they'd come and find you

because they'd go Eshan's been on Hathaway five times should we knock at his and see if adam's hiding there how do you even get away from your house you get an hour don't you so you get hitchhike usually don't they i've seen a lot of hitchhiking someone get off in their own car then try and swap their car for another car i'd make my whole family wear burkas and we all leave the house at the same time and they wouldn't know who's who i think you watched the fast and the furious 2 recently no i didn't no they did they got two cars drove it into a garage and a thousand cars come out yeah okay yeah that could work though how long do you have

to survive to win the money i think it's like a month a month i think it's four weeks i thought it was last man standing it was like numerous you'd never win that right because you'd be on Instagram you would tweet on day four there's no way

they would pick you like you in a month like even if it was Ishan's attic right and it's fucking

you kitted it out it's got a microwave got TV you're up there there were your first two it out. It's got a microwave. You've got a TV. You're up there. He puts up two things. No, but he's got your supplies sorted. How long could you just be like, yeah, I'll just sit this out? The Indian taker we would know from your madras, curry.

No, but let's say I'm in your attic then. Then when you're older than an Indian, I wouldn't get a madras, would I? I'd just be like, I'll have whatever you're having. And I'll eat that shit for a month. And then shit yourself in my attic. Yeah. Your problem. Dan, what would you do

if you weren't hunted? I'd buy a car and stash it. I'd pay for it. If you've got months to prepare, you might have. I would buy a car, stash it.

What would you buy then? Adam's what? You have to buy it with cash. Yeah. There's no record, but then you got the money out and they'd be like, oh,

we must have bought something there. Look, look for low old cars. Well, I mean, yeah. I mean, if they've got access to my bank account

and they can see that I've got 500 quid out, good, fair fucks to them, but I get paid in cash at gigs. Maybe I just keep some of that cash and buy a car that will get me somewhere. Adam's spot on. Like,

me and Laura have talked about this all the time. We talk about her having mates. She's got four mates. Four quite good mates, probably. I know hundreds of people that I call mates. And some of them are so fucking random. And comedians, we talked about that thing about the band of brothers. Like, I've got mates in Scotland who there's no way channel four producers could trace they could have my phone and they would never like as long as i can get sort of contact with them kai humphries would put me up for the

fuck of it yeah if i could get from chester to there good luck tv producers i honestly i think being a comedian would higher visibility in theory but we know so many Bellins who are like you wanna come and fuck around

for a month but there's also so many comedians in Liverpool I don't even think I'd have to go to Scotland I'd just go to Rob Thomas' in Bootle

right he's got a shed I'd go to Afghanistan and blend in how you getting there? go over with Kevin Kilbath in the £500 Ford Focus

from 1997 i'll be i'll be i think you can get in afghanistan just fine yeah very easily you know border control they're not that bothered like you're not coming in are you like i don't think they're worried getting out of this country in the first place any do you need the pcr test for afghanistan yeah yeah That's not, yeah. Is it red listed? Yeah. Yeah. That's the worry.

That if you go, you might get COVID. You've got to get out, haven't you? That'd be easy. How? I can just be like, I don't have passport.

I need to get out. I need to get out. Why am I out? I'm swordsman. I need to get out. I need to get to Afghanistan. Get the chopper. What's wrong with your eyes?

I need to get out. I need to get out of here. I need your clothes, your boots, and a one-way ticket to Kabul. It'd be easy. I'd just... I'd just do that. Oh, my God. I'd just I'd just do that Oh my god I was looking at you Carl

Oh I turned around to look at Carl he looked behind him I looked at you I thought we were getting a fucking post delivery

Right let's have a little word from the money cunts What's happening guys Ooh Look at your outfit Shocking You look horrible in that

That's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from have a word pod.com you want some official have a word merch go to have a word pod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on it's horrible you look a joke don't believe in the house like that you want a hoodie that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it halfwaypod.com so on our patreon we caught a tan you what i think i've caused a tan not in your face particularly i think you are i know it's just a little bit you have a tan do you i think so you've got a bit of a tan on the back of your neck you look a bit pink pink you don't

burn do you shan No No I don't I've never used sun cream He just had to compute What was going on Yeah Did he feel He was like Are you being a cunt

Yeah I've never used sun cream Yeah I've had factor 30 on Over there I don't really understand How it works So whatever the number is

That's the Level of protection Multiple of how long You can spend in the sun Without burning So if it would take me An hour To burn Yeah If you put factor 30 if it would take me an hour to burn,

if you put factor 30 on, it should technically take 30 hours to burn. What does burn mean? What does that mean? Like, what burns? Your skin goes pink and blisters and peels off. I mean, you've really got to burn at the blistering stage. I fucking hate it.

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. I burnt my shoulders to that level and it's... It's awful. It literally ruins your life until it hate it. Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. I burnt my shoulders to that level and it's awful. It just literally ruins your life until it's gone. Yeah, it's horrible.

How the f- Yeah. I don't understand how you lot were in any hot countries ruling them for 200 years. We weren't. I wasn't.

Well, that's true. I was doing open stuff. But the posh bastards, they were wearing tweed and shit, weren't they? Well, they all were white, didn't they,

in like the India. Like the India? Like the India like the India like the India the India and they got the locals to fan them yeah they all wore the robes that they got

in the hotels just all the time and they have factor 50 as well do you burn fin fin doesn't burn either yeah he's got

Mediterranean I've burned once in my life where were you in Turkey yeah you weren't in real where you that'd be either. He's got Mediterranean in my life. Where were you? In Turkey. Yeah. You weren't in real

where you are. Where in Turkey? Bodrum. Bod lovely. Good old Bodrum.

Great air base. I know it. I know of it. Have you? That's where the family are. Yeah?

Yeah. It's loads of fun. Went to Istanbul, one of the best cities I've ever been to in my life. Istanbul's absolutely fucking amazing. Better than Liverpool? Because you're a big fan of Liverpool as a city, aren't you? are yeah yeah loads of fun went to istanbul one of the best cities i've ever been to in my life istanbul's absolutely amazing better than liverpool because you're a big fan of liverpool

as a city aren't you you are yeah it really annoys him because he loves liverpool and he loves like the people yeah and he just hates anything to do with the football club yeah yeah um yeah and uh yeah i'm a big yeah big fan of liver and it pains me to say it I don't know why yeah but the football thing is separate from the actual people in the town isn't it not always

well it's such a part of the culture and life now I don't think it is I think it's totally the same thing you can't separate them sometimes

well you should be able to do if you're a fucking adult shouldn't you yeah should we do these questions yes for each one if you're a fucking adult, shouldn't you? Yeah. Should we do these questions? Yes! For Ishan.

Taylor Mason says, do you burn? No. Taylor Mason says, what's the weirdest thing you've eaten, Ishan? What's the weirdest thing you've ever eaten? Like, for example, I had a fish. Other than pussy. Other than pussy. Talking about scouts again.

Flick flick. Wag wag. Lamb testicles. Shot the posse. Talking about scouts again. Flick flick. Wag wag. Lamb testicles. Shot the front door. Yeah. Come on. Where? Lamb testicles and cockroaches.

If you eat lamb testicles, what have they been done? Deep fried? Yes. Have they got jizz in them? Because he loves lamb. Yeah, yeah. What? Uh-oh. Lamb's testicles, do they still have some jizz in them? Because he loves lamb. Yeah, yeah, so... What? Uh-oh.

Lamb's testicles? Do they still have some jizz in them? No. No. Because jizz gets produced when you get aroused, and I don't know if when they're dead, they're aroused. Oh, I genuinely thought that jizz was just in there

like a little bag. There was always jizz in your testicles. Do you know if you ate something? Oh, no. Mate, I thought jizz was in the balls. No. Do you know if you ate something? Like, someone went, eat that, and you went, that's lovely, that. Mate, I thought jizz was in the balls. No. Do you know if you ate something? Like someone went, eat that.

And you went, that's lovely, that. And then they went, that was a lamb's testicle. Yeah. Would you go, ugh? No, that was tasty. I mean, how delicious? It just goes, that tastes nice. So if you pass me something, and I didn't know what it was,

but it tasted as good as like a mozzarella dipper from McDonald's. That's the nicest thing. That's tasteless. They're fucking fit. No, they tasted nothing. Are you a mozzarella dipper from McDonald's. That's the nicest thing. That's tasteless. They're fucking fit. No, they tasted nothing. Are you fucking mad? All right, okay. Is it just me telling you what I like?

Okay, yes. The mozzarella dipper is quite nice. If you then said, oh, that's a honey badger's dick, I'd be like, honey badger's dick deep fried tastes good. I don't think I'd be like- You wouldn't be sick. Oh, good. People like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mozzarella dippers, I. People like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mozzarella dip. I know not everyone's that keen, but if you get a bit of honey badger, deep fried honey badger dip, put it in a bit of salsa. Yeah. All that.

Good. A lamb testicle deep fried tastes like a cross between a chicken nugget and a scotch egg. I honestly, if someone said that is a lamb testicle, I don't think I'd be, I don't think I could eat it really

that's mad really why no so you wouldn't want that either well I've eaten all kinds in Japan yeah but you didn't know what it was

sorry you didn't know what it was it said on the fucking menu no you kept saying you were just eating it no Steve well I was Steve's like that

and he was going I was going don't read it just try it if you don't like it don't try it again because he was going what's this and having a look you told me you's like that and he was going I was going don't read it just try it if you don't like it don't try it again because he was going

what's this and having a look you told me you were like that though I was like that with lots of things with the stuff I knew I was eating where did you have the lamb's testicles in London I just went to the bitches

I'm so racist I was like it's probably somewhere really exciting in my house just around the corner I had cock cradies and maggots in America

no see that's different they're not meant to be eaten cock cradies and maggots in America. No, see, that's different. They're not meant to be eaten, no. Cock cradles and maggots in America. What do they have in China? They have, like, bugs on a stick, don't they?

Scorpions. Scorpions on a stick. Scorpions on a stick. Nah, I'm alright. I've had crocodile steak. Wow. Has this person... Does Taylor Mason know

that you are full of I've eaten everything? I've had kangaroo steak. Kangaroo, yes. Where did you have crocodile steak? Crocodile steak was in a restaurant called Archipelago full of I've eaten everything. I've had kangaroo steak. Kangaroo yes. Where did you have crocodile? I had a cheeseburger yesterday when I came home. Crocodile steak was in

a restaurant called Archipelago in London and they do like various different random meats and crocodile steak. I'd try crock. That'd be fun. I'd try crocodile.

Why would you try crocodile but not a lamb's bollocks? It's because it's a bollock. I don't ever want a bollock in my mouth. Yeah he doesn't want

to finish the lamb's testicle and then someone will be like, Adam Row! Pete Richards says, how do I ask for a turbo hot authentic curry without sounding like a gammon in an Indian restaurant? Oh, here we go.

This is mine and Eshan's. This is the thing we... Sticking point. We have a sticking point. How would you do it? How would I do that? I'd order a foul Is that

For the audio listeners This is the thing where Ishan is offended What is a foul? It's a dead ass It's not a thing It's one up from a vindaloo It doesn't exist It does exist.

It does because places sell it. What you mean is you and your lot are like, Oh! Here we go. Order, order, order. To you, it's like, oh, we didn't sell that back in the 30s in the thing back home. It exists.

It's on menus, so it does exist. What the gentleman needs to do is ask for something with real naga chillies. Really? What chillies? Naga.

N-A-G-A. Do you want to write that out? N-A-G-A. You have want to write that out yeah N-A-G-A okay and you have to spell it with an A at the end I can tell you if you spell it with an R

at the end there's a problem yeah you really need to get you need to you need to put the word Naga in the right place in the sentence as well

foul is a curry which originated in Birmingham and spread to the United States Birmingham, Alabama Yeah, yeah, yeah Because that makes it more authentic

Doesn't it? Right Right, so Naga Bangladesh you own though Curry houses Okay, yeah Naga chillies

Naga chillies As soon as you're asking for those Just say make it with Naga chillies This guy knows Yeah, yeah, yeah And I mean that's We're talking Proper You enjoy that, make it with nuggets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, that's, we're talking proper.

Do you enjoy that? Do you enjoy it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. So what's the name of the curry? It's called the Naga Please. That's exactly what it's called. It's called the Naga What?

That'd be the conversation, wouldn't it? Can I have some Naga Please? Can you go Naga What? can I have some naga please and he'd go naga what and he'd go some naga curry he really freaked me out that Adam just got sweaty tits when Adam did that

I was like god too far naga's in Liverpool so if you went into a curry house yeah in Liverpool for for example, what would you order?

Would you go off menu? Yes. So you'd say what you just said. The only thing I'd get off the menu is, as you'd call it, a booner. But I would say to them, can you add some naga chilies to it, please? A booner and naga chilies.

Oh, booner. Do you like booner? Yeah. I like booner. Do you like boona? Yeah. I like boona. It's good. Yeah. And poppadoms. Yeah, I'll get poppadoms. I like poppadoms.

Spiced poppadoms. Yeah. Although, again, the poppadoms are different. Chips. Yeah. And what kind of bread would you get with it?

What kind of rice would you get with it? A palau rice. Basmati. Basmati palau rice. And maybe a garlic and coriander naan. No chips, no? No.

Interesting. Fuck you, man. Asshole anymore. I like how I fight. I will not get chips. No. Sean says, question for Dan. If you had another kid and one of Adam, Carl, Finn or Ishan had to name them,

who would you trust most to provide the name? So I'll tell you right now. I know who's bottom of the list. Of course, because you can't take offense. You absolutely, you are the, if it was a boy, I'd call it Eli. And if it's a girl, Rebecca. Okay. He's got a stumptious.

Eli's a really nice name. Eli Nighting's got a... Eli's a really nice... Eli Nightingale's a strong fucking name, I think. Well, you fucked yourself there because you put him bottom. How are you spelling Eli? What? How are you spelling Eli?

A-I-L-E-E-A-I. A-L-E-A-I-L-A. Sorry. You have to pray now. Why? Because she died. More than a woman. More than a woman More than a woman

I was a really unlikely A liar joke Yeah very good There was a There was a Parents in the party The other day And they had a baby

Is this a public episode Yeah it is fuck it And They've had a baby And called it Ebby It's Ebby And Laura's like

Oh Ebby Yeah it's Ebenezer They've ebby and laura's like oh ebby yeah it's ebenezer they've christened the child ebenezer and i was like like we're hoping that he grows up and he's cool enough to just be like yeah i'm ebenezer but until then we'll call him ebby and maybe you know that's what he'll go by that is a lifetime of everyone going scrooge yeah it's scrooge it's literally a whole lifetime scrooge every fucking conversation to the point he's like he wishes he was called darren just to not have the same fucking or gary i just don't know who's top of your list then or who's one

above me finn would just do something, obviously. Finn's a nice guy. He's lovely. Also, I'm his boss, sort of. So that's... You're a lunatic. And although you're doing this, like, no, I choose something nice, I don't trust you. When you're there in the registrar, you'd be like...

I... Carl, I think, is future responsible dad. Although he's got some shades of the evil that make you friends. I'd call it Bruce, regardless if it's sex. Bruce. Bruce. Right make you friends i'd call it bruce regardless of sex bruce bruce right you're off the list i want yeah i go ishan i trust ishan i think he's i go ishan you know i have a little daughter called bruce no i'd give it i'd give them that's not actually i would give your kid an english name and an asian Super. So if you were a girl, it'd be Felicity

Zainab Nightingale. Titwangle. Felicity. Zainab. As in Zainab Bidawe? Yeah. Yeah. Nightingale. Right. And if it was a boy, it'd be Frank

Mohamed Nightingale. Finlay's got a name like that. My name, if we're in Turkey, is Finlay Mehmet. It's what? Finlay Mehmet. Mehmet. Mehmet. M-E-H-M-E-T.

Yeah, that's my name. I just know it. It's a FIFA name. M-E-H-M-E-T. Finlay Mehmet. Mehmet. M-E-H-M-E-T. Yeah, that's my name. I had you spell it. It's a FIFA name. M-E-H-M-E-T. Finley Mehmet. Does any of you like, does your turkey, your turkey grandma.

Turkey grandma, yeah. Does she ever just be like, you're like turkey dinosaurs. Mehmet your dad. No, it's like turkey teeth. Paul Smith, when he got his turkey teeth, Finley goes and gets

his turkey nana. Yeah. Mehmet. Does she ever, they call you Finley Mehmet. Mehmet. Yeah. Mehmet. They call you Finley Mehmet. Yeah. Mehmet is the Turkish

equivalent of Mohammed. Why do you roll your eyes at me? Because you can't just say it like non-you. We're all going

Mehmet and you're like, you mean Mehmet. Mehmet. Basmati. Basmati. Basmati.mati Basmati Basmati

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Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Basmati Racist. This next question is from Barquevious Mamadou Yakubu de la Cruz. And he's not lying. Shout out, Jed. We named you. If you change that by deed poll, we'll send you a free mug. Yeah. We'll send you the pen to sign the contract with. Hi, lids.

A while ago, I heard something about Ishan that somewhat Surprised me, no offence Can you tell us Lids about your time Being a Bollywood dance choreographer No, this didn't happen This is bollocks You gonna press it?

You? What? Hang on, can you say the words out of your mouth if this is true? You were a Bollywood choreographer? Yeah. I've seen this content. He presses it so little, he didn't know how to press it. Where have you seen me dance?

Like in Edinburgh and stuff. Where? You're probably drunk. Yeah. Show me the funny party. Where have you seen me dance? So you think you're funny He wasn't bossing a move then though

You were dancing at the live show You were dancing at the live show You were bossing a move So I started What was that noise It was me I started dancing I would say at about 11 years old.

And basically, the reason I had to dance was so that the Taliban would release me. Fuck off. So I started dancing at 11. What song did you dance to? I think all sorts. And I had a dance troupe of eight boys and eight girls. You were in charge of six. And we did the Mela in Birmingham.

Yeah. When I was 17. And I choreographed loads of dances for functions weddings that kind of stuff and I stopped doing it when I was about 26 right okay and one thing

that's true 100% true and one of the things that I was particularly booked for was this is so ridiculous dancing as a woman

so I would dress up in a wig wear the whole thing like the day like the day you met Panto. And there are videos. And for my 21st birthday, I did 11 dances. And there were seven DVDs made, sent around the world for it.

Will you, can I book you for my 30th? Can you do just a move now? I'm not going to do a big move now Just one move No I need to limber up Yeah Plus we've You know

It's not paying We're not paying him You Right How How have we known each other As long as we have And you've never brought this up

I always bring it up Your dad played Under 19s for Pakistan Yeah You were a pro dancer No The reason we don't Bring it up

Is because the only thing You find interesting about me Is that I'm brown and Muslim That's not true You bring that up to me I'll do this with Any other people In my life

I've got two other Asian friends And we never talk About these things In fact I'm going to Try and find While you're looking I'm going to try and Find a while you're looking, I'm going to try and find a video to show you. Just show us afterwards.

Okay. But for my best friend's wedding, I remember because I was doing, that was my first time doing latitude and then he was having a function. He said, can you come and do a dance? I did a 12 minute medley. Right. Please. You're coming to his birthday

Aren't you next year Yes Please Let the gift Of dance Be the gift That you give to Adam I will do a Bollywood dance performance

Not 12 minutes though No I'll do a Bollywood dance performance For your birthday next year Tickets on sale Oh my god And I'll edit it So

I will Make it seem like I'm an ice cream rickshaw driver who just happens to break out into dance. You're keeping rickshaw rental companies in business. That was fucking expensive, by the way. Invoice us! No, no, no, I'm going to invoice you. We'll take it out of Finn's pay. Sean never invoices us, ever.

I've asked him several times. He's done loads of things for us where we've gone, we'll give you some money. I've asked him several times and he doesn't want the money. He only ever works for us for free. I'm not even joking. I've said to you several times, send me that invoice. And you're like, don't want to.

Well, I love you guys, isn't it? So it's just, I don't need the money. It takes Brennan 24 hours to invoice i'm joking just go okay really i'm doing very well like really well i mean you're probably you're probably still living off some of that uh sweet uh 12 minute medley money yeah so for your birthday next year i promise bollywood dance oh my good God. We've had some requests for characters and accents. Hang on, as well. Can I just say this?

You can't go. The reason I've never brought this up is because you're only interested in me being brown and Muslim and act like Bollywood dancing has nothing to do with that. You just want to talk about the brown stuff Not all the Bollywood dancing shit I might If you're still with Sam I might even get her involved Okay

I think she'd like it Okay When? What a weird thing to say about someone's girlfriend No, no Because in the dance It works a lot better if there is a girl next to you Okay

Much better But I'm not doing the dance, am I? No You're doing the dance Yeah I'll do the dance There Much better. But I'm not doing the dance, am I? No. You're doing the dance. Yeah. Yeah. I'll do the dance. There's some things

that I'm excited about. Watching England play Bangladesh with you guys, that'll be a load of fun. Lots of things I'm looking forward to in the future. You know, I think your 12 minute medley

with his girlfriend, that is, is now top of that list. Come on. Yeah, I think it's going to be spectacular. Can we do some accents before we do? I have a yes you're right you're right we've had a few requests because because we stopped playing the accent game because you sort of won yeah no one could ever really match the the actor's

studio format that we used to do yeah sorry sorry everyone. Kyle G says, can we hear him do a Norwegian accent? We've heard yours done now for a real linguist to try. I'm from Norway. Okay, that's done. I've only an idea of Norwegian because I was watching Norsemen on Netflix. That's the best I can do.

What do you want me to do in this Norwegian accent? Hey, roll with it. Just 12 minute medley. I'm very happy to be on Have a Word with you guys. Oh. I think it's going to be great. You're the first person to sound Asian Norwegian. We grew up, I moved there from Birmingham when I was very young.

And my accent is a bit mixed. It's now a bit Welsh. I don't know what's happening. You sound like an Irish farmer in a Netflix documentary about the potato farm. An Irish farmer in a Netflix documentary. Very different. Sounds a bit like this, doesn't he? No, he sounds no different

whatsoever. Hey! Top of the morning to you! Yeah. You sound like Ronald Koeman the first time. Can we try Norwegian again? Hello, dear. No, wait. Hello, dear. Can you do Norwegian and talk about the loss of Messi

to the Barcelona squad and we'll see? It's Ronald Koeman. Okay. Gertie, Bertie, Gertie, right. That is so racist to Scandinavians Gertie Bertie Can I care? Gertie Bertie Gertie Bertie

I think Jesus no I think Messi's a great player no I know he's gone to them bastards in Paris To eat the fucking croissants In Barcelona In Barcelona We

In Barcelona Losing Messi Is Dutch Yeah Ronald Koeman Ronald Koeman After he spent

Too much time in Bristol I think I'm from Norway Losing Messi is very hard For us I am the manager Of Barcelona We have lost

Lionel Messi To the Parisian That's gay Irish. He's German. He's Klopp. No, German is very much like this. James Morrison says... We're getting it right, but not at the right time.

James Morrison says, Wagwag Legs, can he try a German gymnastics coach? Which I think we've accidentally... I'm the German gymnastics coach who have to jump, Accidentally I'm the German gymnastics coach Who have to jump Hop, skip Into the R The R

That was good That was I can't talk about it It was really good Come on children Let's do the stretches I mean he's a pedo isn't he Yeah

Soon as I Soon as In my head A German gymnastics coach Get on the horse Get on the horse kiddo Yeah That's a good Keep going

One Two Round Flip Yeah Excellent And now get off my dick Google the German for Mr Motivator please

Stefan Johansson says Can you get him to do a South African Tesco delivery driver? Yeah I can do that This is very very good Nelson Mandela Are you about to do Nelson Mandela? As a Tesco delivery driver Everyone's had to get a new job in lockdown

I cannot deliver this This clearly says This clearly says Three decades I can't A few items have been replaced Let's call them We need to ensure I have You can't. Your items have been replaced. Replace. We need to ensure I have made a delivery for you.

Very, very big. Right, in the middle of that, that went to the guy who delivered my Uber Eats all the last week. And that wasn't Nelson Mandela. Arjuna? Uh-huh. Arjuna? I don't know. Might's been in the skies i'm from cd fricke i'm going to change it now i like what you're doing with this you like what i'm doing i like it i like it too so i can tell you what's a little bit of john t roads now indeed and hensley cronin yeah you know you know what i like

so i'm making a delivery i was making a delivery the other day. I work for Tesco. It's been a really tough COVID for me. Oh, nailed it. Really tough COVID. Nailed it. Nailed it. You're quite happy with this, aren't you?

So I'm making a delivery and I tell you what, these people, they buy some really odd things, don't they? Right? I saw this guy. He bought like loads of beef, loads of pork. Is this Ray Winston? Say in South African,

bet in play now. Bet in play now. Bet in play now. Bet in play now. My name is Nelson Mandela. Bet in play now. You can get very good odds.

Very good odds. Very good odds. Very good odds. Very good odds. Very good odds. For Jamie Vardy to score first. It is gone. It is fucking gone. Gamble responsibly. Sorry.

Fuck this. Let's wrap this absolute nonsense off with a have a word, shall we? That was fun. This one's anonymous Always the best Always the good ones Yep Isn't it? Alright

One of my group of mates Is married with kids And recently found out He's Oh this needs it He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up He's up with kids and recently found out he's, oh this needs it. He's recently found out his wife has cheated on him. They're still together for now

and in an effort to try and save the relationship, she has given him a hall pass to have a one night stand with someone. Me and the other lads are unsure on whether to encourage him to use the hall pass or not. I think it would only make the situation worse, and I think

he should either stay with her and try and get past it for the sake of the kids, or just fuck it and break up. But the others in the group aren't so sure. Love to know what you guys think. Cheers, lids. That's from Anon. Well, I already know what I think. I want to hear it from Eshan first.

Get the fuck out! Dun dun dun dun! hear it from Eshan first. Get the fuck out. Dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah, get the fuck out. Get the fuck out. Simon says get the fuck out. Not worth it. Because the hall pass, if you get the hall pass,

say, okay, there's a permanent hall pass because I had to find out you were cheating on me. If you told me you were going to fuck someone else. What? A permanent hall pass. Yeah. I know what he's saying. Like, he's saying she cheated without being given a hall pass? Yeah. I know what he's saying. Like, he's saying she cheated without being given a hall pass.

Yeah. So if he fucks someone with the hall pass, yeah, they fuck one person each, but he hasn't broke trust. She still has. Yeah. But she's only given him the hall pass so that when it next kicks off

and they have an argument about who should have replaced her. I let you fuck someone else. He'll go, you cheated on me. And she'll go, well, you know, you took your hall pass. It's not even. He should get to fuck At least 18 women Yeah it's a bit like Getting accidentally slapped

And then they're like Well slap me back then And it's never the same Also you need to leave For the sake of the kids You need to leave Because the kids Will get a sense

Of the lack of trust In the relationship It's toxic It's not good for them Get out I think you should Bang a hall pass bang a hall pass. Bang a hall pass.

Bang it and then go. And then go. Make sure you've told her you've banged her as well. Bang her sister. What difference does banging her and then go make? Bang her mum. If you can shag her mum, then I'd call that even and say,

you know what, we can move on. Yeah, shag her mum. Her mum's dead. Or her dad. Definitely shag her mum if she's dead. If she's dead, shag her mum. Shag her best mate or sister and then you're even. Shag her best mate on the mum's grave. Shag her sister if she's dead if she's dead shag her mum shag her best mate or sister and then you're even shag her best mate on the mum's grave

shag her sister and her best mate at the cemetery have a threesome in front of her mum's headstone yeah sorted job done innit

job done have any of you been cheated on before Sort of Sort of Kind of But I was cheating At the same time

So it's one of them Where you're like Oh Awful But yeah I'd done my first I've been cheated on Three times

By three separate people Whatever You've got to start Questioning whether Were you having sex With them at the time Simultaneously Yeah I was really sad I was trying to be whatever you gotta start questioning whether were you having sex with him at the time simultaneously yeah

I was really sad I was trying to be a dick and he went yeah yeah I was shagging him and then a glory hole tied up

it's like stacking someone's dick while I was fucking him but you've been so unlucky in love that I wouldn't be surprised if

like someone had cheated on you while you were banging your missus like yeah I just feel like some of your stories will make everyone

go oh bloody hell whatever I'm not it's stories isn't it also every single one of them that cheated on me got back in touch with me at least six months later because they wanted more of the pussy flicking so when you're good at something

leave a mark never do it for free have you ever cheated I've had crossovers overlaps So when you're good at something, you leave a mark. When you're good at something, never do it for free. Have you ever cheated? I've had crossovers. Overlaps. Overlaps. Offside lines.

Yeah, but no, not cheating. This is beyond that, though, isn't it? Because you're talking about, like, I'm not saying it's not awful. People cheat in relationships and it's never nice. They're married with kids. Kids, yeah. This isn't, like, a six-month relationship or like a young one. This is family life. Yeah.

The whole unit is getting fucked up there. The guy who wrote the email is spot on. That's what you really need to do because without even talking about it from the partner's point of view, what you need to do is either go, this is awful and we'll try and rebuild this. But I think it's a little suspicious. If this is genuine that she's gone, you can have a whole pass because she's already in the wrong.

So she fucked up. People make mistakes. I get it. But it looks like she's trying to go, all right, well, you do something wrong now as well. Because she'll keep doing it. And I'll be fine about it. And then that cancels each other out.

She'll keep doing it. I almost don't trust the mentality of that. Yeah, she'll keep doing it. I don't know. I just feel like it should just be, if you cheat on someone, you're genuinely sorry. You need to come and go, I cannot believe I've done this.

I'm so sorry I was drunk. These are my reasons. And I will never do it again. I regret every second of it. To then be like, oh, it was by one. Do you want to fuck something? And then where are you? I don't like the way that thought process works out.

It's self-preservation. It's Ergon. Well, we've both done it now. So we've both done it. So therefore it's the same. Yeah, so he can't ever go, well, you cheated on me. Well, you fucked Pam. Yeah, but he didn't cheat, did he, you cheat on me. Well, you fucked Pam. Like, it's not, yeah.

Yeah, but he didn't cheat, did he? Exactly. That's what he's saying. But I think, but that's what... She'll, in her head, it is cheating because they're still together, even after a whole pass. In her head, she's like...

And again, she's very cleverly put the burden of responsibility on him. Because if he takes up on it, like you said, he'll have been cheating, but that's not cheating. That isn't because you've just said, go someone else could you come back from say you're in a long-term relationship we're both in a long-term relationship could you come back from let's say your partner obviously i'm with married with laura like you and sam have been together

five and a half years in seven months if she came came and went, look, I've got something to tell you. You've not found out. There's not been any weird behavior. Just like a night out with work or something. And you can tell something's wrong in the morning. She just breaks down and goes, I've cheated and I've got drunk and I regret it. Could you get over it?

No, I'm gone. Is that it? Done? Like her stuff would be in the front garden before she wiped her tears. I would be in the front garden before she'd wiped her tears I would throw it out the window even if you're

in Dan's position neither kids yeah it's worse I would also then probably smash her car to pieces with my baseball wife

yeah but then there's other things to think about isn't there yeah but that's her responsibility the kids would be like

you threw my toy out as well can I can I get it yeah so 10 years in two kids you're like

fucking get out of here instantly and there's no coming back instantly and there's no coming back it's worse then for me than if it happened now

and if it happened now I would like once like even if it was an old sort of inspirational quote thing which is dead sort of like camp and whatever

but trust's like a mirror isn't it and if you smash it you can put it back together and it'll still sort of function as a mirror but it'll never be the same again

is that the quote yeah word for word word for word it'll just never be quite right again and it never will be and it's just done they have that in the bedroom

and you know in a way it's threatening yeah you know the that in the bedroom. And, you know, in a way, it's threatening. You know, the quotes you get on walls that we were talking about. Trust is like a mirror. If you smash it, you can use glue to get it back together. I just realised where I got that quote from. From a Beyonce song featuring a lady guy. What about you, Danny?

You didn't answer the question. What about you, Danny? You didn't answer the question. I'd honestly, I'd be, I'd want Laura to be bereft, crying, obviously. And then I'd be like, I really fancy a bacon sandwich. And obviously you're going to get a grief snack, right? And then I'd be like. Is that your grief snack?

How big was his dick? That's where I'd draw the line. I'd draw the line at 4.2 to 4.3 inches any bigger than me and i'm not no way no way so what does it what does no way like a sweater that was all stretched out yeah but oh i'm joking i was just trying to be funny because it got so serious what would you do if she sucked a dwarf off at a party it's the same is it yeah but it was a joke yeah

no same as that question from earlier Carl yeah is it the same what parties do girls suck

suck dwarves off for a laugh for a joke hand parties what if she snogged another woman same you're a hard liar mate laugh for a joke and parties what if she snogged another woman same god you're

you're a hard lie mate you're like kevin kilban you're like you're an extremist taliban

what even a bit of like with a lady yeah come on what if she was getting tea bagged by a stripper

yeah and she had a little lick same if that's a problem as well. What if she was out in public and she looked at a man? Yeah. And made eye contact.

Gone. Has she got sunglasses on? No. No. Dirty. Bare eye contact. Yeah, bare eye contact. Gone.

What would you do? What if she went to work and she shook her male boss's hand? No, fist bumps only. What would you do if you walked into your bedroom and she shook her male boss's hand. No, fist bumps only. What would you do if you walked into your bedroom and she was getting bummed? Bummed by a full lacrosse team. Lacrosse, lacrosse. In Liverpool, the famous Liverpool lacrosse leagues. Will they give me a trial for the team?

Yeah, then it's fine. He's a competitor. I should walk in and go, whoa, can I play for you? Whoa, hang on! Instantly, no. How would you know? All the lacrosse sticks are on the stairs. As you're walking up in here, you'd be like, hang on,

I'm piecing this together. This is my way into the lacrosse team. There's all this lacrosse equipment here. I wonder if there's a rugby team up there Sam have you been to a sports shop

oh no no was that it that's the final line yeah yeah lacrosse trials I honestly

this is if Laura said that and was like bereft and everything I'd be like I'm just gonna need to speak to a lawyer and see where I am financially. Like, are you all right?

Listen, there's a garden office. You live there now. Keep her on the property. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's got to do childcare. No,

I don't know. I, I'm not as, it sounds like I'm being a dick. It's not cut and dry, is it? It's not as cut and dry as like, no, forever. Like if you...

I don't know. Maybe for Laura it would be though. If I did that to Laura, I think she'd be like, she'd go Adam Rowe and be like, get your lacrosse stick and bounce. People can get drunk and make a mistake. I think you've got to get...

If you do it, you've got to get if you do it you've got to give up drinking that's that's sort of it though isn't it and dick so that's sort of it so it that's what the problem becomes because then either every time they're out again you're riddled with anxiety or when they when they go out you've got to control their behavior which you can't do you can't you can't can't do. You can't say to someone, you can't say to someone, I'll stay with you as long as you stop doing that. Because then the cheating on you becomes whenever they do that.

It's when they come home and go, I had four pints, by the way. I was after work. I was with the girls. Then that to you, because that becomes the break of the trust, is the same as them cheating on you again. So kind of dwarf.

Honestly, I know it feels like in this situation, if you've been cheated on, that should be the end of it. But I'm not as hard. I think mistakes can be made. And I'm not just chatting shit. I think there are some extenuating circumstances where for the sake of my family, I'd try and sort it out. I mean, I'd be surprised if they don't cheat on me,

to be honest. I'm like, you didn't? Really? Wow. No comments from anywhere. love stories. But the thing is, you guys get sad,

I don't get sad. I'm not sad about it. No, it's just every human that hears your stories feels sad. You don't. It feels like a facade. No, but it's not. Are you okay your stories feels sad. You don't. It feels like a facade. No, but it's not.

Are you okay, hun? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to go. Got to go! Yeah, basically, lad, boost it out your house, and then you've got an unlimited hall pass for the rest of your life. You can fuck whoever you want, because you're single. But still bum his sister.

Yeah. Not his sister, her sister. Get her to convince her sister to fuck you. Don't bum your own sister. get her here not his sister her sister get her here to convince her sister to fuck with her don't bum your own sister don't bum your own sister unless she's really fit

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slash have a word pod Adam's gotta go go to South Shields to do some comedy megan