Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #137 with Loyiso Gola - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 13, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. All right, lads, before we start this week's episode, I'm here to tell you about our latest sponsor, CoinCorner.com. Now, they are one of the longest running exchanges for cryptocurrency in Europe, and they're one of the best ways to buy and sell Bitcoin here in the UK. If you don't know what Bitcoin is, it's the number one cryptocurrency on the planet. It's been around for over a decade, and it's going mainstream. It's in the news every day. Celebrities like Tom Brady are tweeting about it. El Salvador's

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Your capital is at risk. Don't invest anything you can't afford to lose. Be safe. Don't be a fucking dickhead. Now, let's get back to the pod. You all right? Yeah. Yeah, good.

Want to get my ears cleaned this morning? Oh, yeah. You told us about back to the pod. You all right? Yeah. Yeah, good. Yeah. Went to get me ears cleaned this morning. Oh, yeah. You told us about that on the Patreon. She charged me 49 quid to not clean me ears. What? Why do you keep getting mugged? So me ears don't need cleaning.

There's other problems. And she charged me 49 quid to tell me that. Clean as a fucking whistle. I said clean as a whistle! What was it, like a private doctor? It was the Liverpool Hearing Centre. Yeah, private doctors. It's not NHS then, no.

No. Wait. No. I thought I had dead wax ears. They're not doctors, though. I was being a dick. They're definitely not doctors, are they? No.

No. No, she knows what she's doing mate Oh well she's a doctor though Are you a doctor? She surely isn't Diploma ENT doctor surely What?

Surely an ENT doctor I don't know I didn't even ask Do you look at your throat? An ear nose and throat specialist Is working at the ear shop in town It's not the ear shop it's not like going to get

your phone screen fixed is it not I want this woman to be no more no it's a proper thing it's the Liverpool here it's on Rodney Street

which is like private medical street in Liverpool oh okay I thought it was one of them like a beautician yeah I thought

it was like an ear specialist it is an ear specialist but like a good one yeah I thought it was like a we specialist. It is an ear specialist, but like a good one. Yeah, I thought it was like a, we'll wax them, we'll get the wax out, we'll take the hairs off. I wasn't getting a Brazilian in me ears. I know, I know, I know. You have got hairy ears though, you need to sort that out.

You could use the weird wacker by Manscaped using the code WORD20. Could, yeah. Advert coming later. With all your coin, coin, no, no. You could use tickets for Dan Nightingale's... No, I'm sorry. Go on.

I assumed I had dead waxy ears because it's been... When I got off the plane to Croatia, you know, do you ever get airplane here? When I was a kid, yeah. Yeah, so I got it bad. And then when I jumped off the boat into the sea... You said the plane.

You talk about planes, but when I jumped off, are you going to say the plane? No, the boat. Jumped off the boat into the sea. You're going to say the plane. You're talking about planes, but when I jumped off, are you going to say the plane? No, the boat. Jumped off the boat into the sea. Your ears have really got to hurt to jump off the plane, haven't you? Add some love. Suck a boiled sweet.

Don't open that door. It's hurting. It's something I never thought about. I never understood, by the way. And we'll get back to me ears in a minute. You know the way they say when you're on a plane, you can't open the doors because it'll cause problems. But then when you do a parachute jump, you can.

So what was different? Think about it. Altitude. Plane Illuminati, mate. Those planes that you... This is my guess. I'm not an expert. But the parachute jumpers,

I think the plane's going quite slowly. So it's lower and slower. So it's not as much when there's a hatch open so you can jump out. If you're doing 700 miles, 600 miles an hour at 30,000 feet, you open the door and everyone gets sucked. Because you get sucked into the engine and blow up. Yeah. How fast are they going? Like 30?

Yeah. It's like if you had to roll out of a car I'm going to try and make this analogy stick. I've already lost confidence. If I said to you like, right I've got to roll out of your Kia Sportage today. Got to happen. You'd be like, right, we'll go slowly.

And it's doable, isn't it? The car's still moving. I'm rolling out. But I think the equivalent is up there where your Ryanair's going at full height. It'd be like trying to do it at 80 miles an hour off a motorway. I mean, in theory, you could get out and roll. I just don't think it'd end well. I think it's...

I might be wrong. Is it also, like, atmosphere? Like, it's too thin to breathe and stuff like that, so that causes issues. Maybe they'll have vacuum because you get sucked out because of the speed. That fella jumped from space, didn't he, and landed on his feet?

He did, yeah. Yeah, but he wasn't wearing his track suit, was he? He wasn't wearing his holiday trackies. He was wearing a fucking noncey. I'm a spaceman! So, a Red Bull spaceman! Didn't he go up

on a balloon as well? I love how in your head he's slightly R-weathered and he jumped from space and landed on his feet. I'm a spaceman!

I'm a spaceman! He's an astronaut. Like an actual astronaut. He's not a fucking astronaut He jumped out of space He went up in a balloon And then he fell off Impressively

Technical difficulty You can't miss Earth can you You can't miss You can't, astronauts do all the time No, but he can't miss It's not like... We'd all be dead. Right.

Thank God we've got a trained astronaut for this. Otherwise, he might just like, oh, fuck it all. That's the only thing that can go wrong, missing Earth, jumping off to space. He could have landed in... Was that guy an astronaut?

Was he just like some dickhead Red Bull stunt guy? I think he was an astronaut. I think he won on a can. He won the chance to do it. Yeah. He can jump out of space and he won second place was a pencil sharpener

with the angry birds on it yeah yeah I'm not having him as an astronaut he's just a bellender what's his name was it Felix something

Felix Baumgartner was it you think it was dead cool the way he just fucking walked it off though like I can't I can't like jump off like three stairs

and land on my feet 128 000 feet he's a skydiver he's a daredevil and a base jumper not an astronaut he is though because i went to space no as soon as you go to space he is not a proper astronaut that's like saying if i break into a school and stand in front of a class i'm a fucking teacher he's more of an astronaut than neil armstrong and I'll die on this hill He jumped from space, Neil Armstrong Neil Astronaut He was born for that job, wasn't he?

Okay, Felix Skydiver is more of an astronaut than John Astronaut Look at the curvature of the earth there He did something dead sick What did Neil Armstrong do? Went for a walk walk if he even went that pissed me off you rat there's loads

I'd not piss you off I'd never talk about Neil Armstrong like that or Lance Armstrong that's a big conspiracy is it that they didn't land on the moon yep

great well that'll be on another podcast that you do why is the flag waving there's no wind on the moon he was one of the first first interplanetary Great. Well, that'll be on another podcast that you do. Why is the flag waving? There's no wind on him. He was one of the first interplanetary space flag nonces. What did he do? It's not impressive, is it?

You're saying what the other guy did wasn't impressive. He got on what is essentially a massive bus, got off and had a walk around the fucking local shopping centre, realised everything was closed and came back. He didn't fly the fucking shuttle he's just a gobshite we got a lift

yeah he did it in 1969 when I don't think the technology was up to much did he pay petrol do you know what I mean I don't even think

they'd invested invented plastic carrier bags at supermarkets but he didn't do anything did he he didn't do anything

he's like the Phil Neville of going to space. Yeah. Not the medal, but did fuck all. He wasn't the pilot. He was just the walking guy. Yeah.

So why is he revered? Who was the pilot? Buzz. No, that was just another, that was just his mate. That was his mate. That was just his mate. Do you want to come, lad?

Yeah. Because they were the first to do it, weren't they? Well, who flew it then? Probably the other guy in the picture whose name you don't know. Mini driver. He's the one you should know. Because you know he drove it. Whoever flew it.

What was it? What was the Apollo? 12? 11? 10? 9? Apollo 11 was launched. Commander. Neil launched Commander Neil Armstrong

Neil Armstrong flew it No Yeah Commander Neil Armstrong Commander Module Pilot Michael Collins I've never heard that name before And he's the pilot

Pilot Buzz Aldrin Yeah I've heard Buzz Aldrin I've heard fucking Neil Mickey Collins Mickey Collins Yeah he had to stay in the car Just in case an alien tried to nick it. Yeah, there's hazards on, so he couldn't get a parking ticket.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If anyone asks us to move it, just go around the block. I don't know what the parking restrictions are on the moon. I mean, they're the first to get to the moon, and they did it fucking years ago. They haven't been back since. They haven't worked out how to make telephones mobile, and these cunts are on the moon and they did it fucking years ago. They haven't been back since. They haven't worked out how to make

telephones mobile and these cunts are on the moon and then some bellend recently just goes up quite high and then has a jump.

I mean, not that it wasn't but it's it's not a fucking astronaut. So what makes him an astronaut? What makes Neil Armstrong an astronaut? What makes him an astronaut

compared to the guy who jumped from space? Well, I mean, he was in a spaceship. He flew to a moon, got off and walked around the moon. And then the really difficult thing was to get off the moon and home, wasn't it? But he didn't do that. Yeah, he did. He did, though, didn't he? He sat there while Michael did it. Adam, he fucking went. He literally went on the trip. You're like, he did fuck all.. Yeah, he did. He did, though, didn't he? He sat there while Michael did it.

Adam, he fucking went. He literally went on the trip. You're like, he did fuck all. He was in the back eating sweets. He did jack shit. He didn't even fucking pay for petrol. He did none. He just walked.

I can fucking walk. Am I a fucking astronaut? He went to the fucking moon, you massive tit. He got plane here as well. To be fair, fucking Felix Nonsgartner, yeah, alright, it's not nothing. Nonsgartner.

But he's not, you know, he just had a fucking... He jumped out of space. It's fucking sick. Yeah, it is pretty sick. Honestly, we were talking about Adam's ears

and I don't know the path he took. Plania. Oh yeah. Altitude. Moon. Would you, before we go to your ears, I say, would you do a parachute jump?

No. I'd do what he did. What? It doesn't seem as scary, and I don't know why. What are we on about? I don't know whether it's the suit or whatever, but... Would you do a parachute jump dressed as a spaceman? Would you do a parachute jump dressed as a spaceman?

Generally, we want to go to Krakow next year on a bit of a lads weekend. And I think they sound so fucking dodgy in Poland. People keep going. I don't know if you've asked people like, what's Krakow like? Because we're thinking about going. All the lads that I know have gone, it's fucking great.

Oh my God, it's great. It's so good. There's something going on's Krakow like? Because we're thinking about going. All the lads that I know have gone, it's fucking great. Oh my God, it's great. It's so good. There's something going on with Krakow. But everyone keeps going, the guns. You can go and shoot guns. I reckon they've probably taken a stag do on a parachute jump. We got some fucking planes. You go up, jump out, gravity.

It's easy. You dress as Spaceman. Good job he was there to explain. You dress as Woody from Toy Story. Oh, I do that. Yeah, stag do is easy. You dress as Spaceman. Good job he was there to explain. You dress as Woody from Toy Story. Oh, I do that. Yes, Tag do is good. Do you mean Buzz from Toy Story? No, I was doing the different characters.

Oh, you're flipping it. No, you're Buzz and I'm Woody. Oh. I get it. I'd do a skydive if I woke up and I'm sat in the gap. Sat in the gap? Like the hatch and I'm about to go And I can't

I think the scary bit is like So if someone date raped you Yeah But didn't rape you Or dead and browned you They put you They put you on a A plane

Yeah That'd be fine Because I'm like Oh it's happened now And I don't think that'd be the scary bit I think the scary bit's being in the plane going You want to be like a tired Mr T I don't know

Yeah So you'd wake up You just But I know it's happening Right the scary bits being in the plane going. You want to be like a tired Mr. T. I don't know. Yeah. So you'd wake up. You just want to know it's happening. Right. You wake up and you go, oh,

what the fuck happened? What the fuck happened? Why am I in a plane? Why have I got a parachute on? I'm here now. No one know what's happening. I think you'd be fuming, mate. But they put me a kip

until I get there. It's making me itchy. Because the scary bit is being in the plane and fucking going, oh, I'm about to jump out of a plane. If it making me itchy. Because the scary bit is being on the plane and fucking going, oh, I'm about to jump out of a plane. If it just happens, bam. I don't like being on a plane.

But you'd be on a space balloon. No, I wouldn't do either. Now that I've thought about it, not into it. No. I don't like being in what is perceived to be the safest form of travel. I don't like it. So I'm not jumping off it. Because all I'm scared about when I'm in the air

is not being in the air anymore. And that would be volunteering to not being in the air anymore. Would you do something if some mental got up on the flight over to Croatia and was like, I need to go! I need to get out would you do something

no come on wouldn't you would you yeah I'd be like sit down lad sit down

yeah he's literally thrown off some fucking Croatian flight attendants and you're in one of the seats

we know with the extra leg room because you're spending that Patreon money would you fucking do something well he seats we know with the extra leg room because you're spending that Patreon money would you fucking do something? Well he's trying to get the door open which would kill everyone

on board. Yeah. Yeah that punches at him. Because either way I'm dead. Like if I lose the fight okay I'm dead. But I'm going to die anyway

because he's about to open the plane door and as we've already discussed at such a speed that's a problem. Would you sit next to the plane door and be the because you've done that? speed that's a problem would you sit next to the plane door and be the I have done a few times

I like the leg room being the guardian I have booked the extra leg room a few times I'm not scared of opening doors you're not scared

you'd want to do it though like when you cross a bridge with your phone yeah but I'm like you mean that when you throw your phone off yeah the intrusive thoughts

yeah I get them all the time but I would get them no matter what see something I'm looking over at the door sometimes I go get them no matter what season I'm in. I'm looking over at the door sometimes. I go over and fucking open that. It doesn't matter where they are.

Do you know what? I've booked the leg room before. I'm never flying with you again. In front of the fire exit. Whatever it's called. The fire exit? What's it called? Don't use the main exit.

It's called the fire. The door. And I feel like when you see tall people walk past and look at my stubby little legs they're like cunt I am 5 foot 8

and my got short legs fuck them do you remember Ann Campbell's mate's CV do you remember that what he did to her yeah

his mate was doing his CV in school and went to toilet and like instead of putting like oh fuck tits whatever and he's obvious

you know just in between he put i'm responsible enough to sit by the emergency exit on the bus and he didn't notice on his on his cv for like six months you see if you're gonna that's basically a frape isn't it this is basically a facebook but it's proper smart one but if you just keep it subtle, if you don't, if you don't, oh, fucking bum goats. Yeah. In that voice. I want to see you on a plane so much. I'm not that bad.

Like, the worst I ever was was when we came back from Berlin. That was choppy, though. But you, on the plane, Carl was like, it's fine, it's like this all the time. And then when we landed, he was like,

that is the worst turbulence I've ever had landing so if you can put up with that and then I want to film that and put it on Patreon my head is ticking with the Patreon exclusive stuff

if you know an athletics club that we can have access to on a weekday for two or three hours we put the call out on social media and I was a bit disappointed we found a cricket club

I need an athletics club. I need access. Yeah. So have a word pod at gmail.com for all your questions. Any advice you want from us, all you have are words. Have a word pod at gmail.com. But really hook us up with an athletics club because I want to get the kit. I want to put it on Patreon as an exclusive.

And I want to see him do the triple jump and take it seriously. I would love to do a parachute jump and put it on Patreon. But, like, filming me on the plane wouldn't be good content, because I'm just quiet. I just go quiet. You have the internal panic attack. You were shouting at me, didn't you, before we took off? I said something.

Where were you going? We were flying from Liverpool, Manchesterchester to berlin and it was his first flight in since he was a kid and i was trying to take the piss like oh this plane looks broke and there was no hue and he went fucking shut up yeah remember the snapchats i sent you yeah well because of plane crashes if he has a panic attack and they see it, they can just ask you to leave the flight and go, look, you're not...

Yeah, but I only really have it once we've took off. Right. I can't ask you to leave it. Did I tell you about the woman last week who told me to put my mask on? Yeah, that always goes down well.

I went, I'm sorry, love, I'm exempt and I showed her my thing. And she went, have you got a letter from your doctor? And I went, no. And she went,

well, I'm going to have to ask you to put your mask on then. I went, well, I haven't got one. And she went, have you got a letter from your doctor? And I went, no. And she went, well, I'm going to have to ask you to put your mask on then. And I went, well, I haven't got one. And she went, oh, so, but it is EasyJet policy for you to put a mask on. And I was like, we are already in the sky. So, what do you want to do? She never had a mask to give me. And I didn't have one because I never have one Because I feel like EasyJet

Really missed a trick there Oh we have EasyJet masks They're 13 euros Look at you That wouldn't surprise me at all Anyway How's your ears clean? How's your ears?

Yeah yeah yeah How long's that? 17 minutes That was vintage Part of the fun of it Is I know people are like Sorry I didn't try to tell them All the ears.

So basically, there's a problem with me middle ear. What are you doing? I'm playing the music. What are you doing? My middle ear might have a problem. So she did a test. A hearing test. She puts headphones on to test your main ear. She puts headphones on?

No, she puts them on you. So she puts headphones on. I can hear fine. And she gives you this little clicker. And every time you hear any sort of beep in either ear, you press the beeper. And it's testing to see which ones you hear and which ones you don't, obviously.

And then the second time, she tests your brain ear. So she puts, like, headphones on and it goes, like, here. And that tests, like, how your brain's working. And she said your brain's sound, boss brain, but your ear's a bit fucked, which means there's a problem with your... Verbatim, that's how she said it. No, I'm paraphrasing

your brain is fucking quality top it's a fucking boss brain lad i am dr pippa suiz boss brain your fucking ears are dynamite lad but that knob needs a good sucking yeah sorry i forgot that that was on a Patreon Everyone's like What the fuck Has Don just said There's So there's I think

There's tubes here That go down here And They're Part of your ear So It's something Fallopian tubes

Or something like that Yeah Yeah yeah yeah They go from your nose Your fallopian tubes Go from your nose To your ear Fallopian's V stuff, innit?

Yeah. It's something else, but she called it my middle ear. And basically she said... She called it your face cunt. Yeah, she said I need to take sinus relief, anti-estamines, and then go to an ear specialist, which I thought she was.

But basically at the minute, this ear just sounds a little bit, it sounds like I've got a bit of paper in me here. Right. Just dulling it a bit. But it goes away if I do this. So if you talk to me now, it sounds normal.

You all right? Womp womp womp womp. Do that again. Womp womp. Hi, mate, you all right? You all right? I've just got water in your ear. Womp womp. Yeah, maybe I have? Have you not just got water in your ear? Yeah maybe I have

Because you went to Disney from when that doorman slapped me Right I've got a hole in my eardrum from years ago Genuinely If it feels like it does when you've got water in your ear I actually sympathise That's exactly what it feels like Horrible feeling

Because you jumped in the sea didn't you? Yeah I jumped in the sea But you ate you? Yeah, I jumped in the sea. But yeah, my fucking ear tubes or whatever they're called. Your sinuses, isn't it? No, it's the ear and ear. Oh, because I struggle with my sinuses, don't I? Yeah. So she told me to...

So the problem is it could have a bit of fluid in it, and that's likely because when she looked in this one, there was a little bit of liquid, but not in this one. Ooh, sexy. She said, so get some sinus relief, get some antihistamines, and when she looked in this one there was a little bit of liquid but not in this one sexy she said so get some sinus relief get some antihistamines and also she gave me this

and I just thought I'd bring this in to show you so you know like when you have plain ear it's like due to low pressure

in your ear so she's given me a balloon to blow up with me nostrils fuck off and that apparently helps so that's it can you do that now please so you're getting it out then do you want me to do it to blow up with me nostrils. Fuck off. And that apparently helps. Can you do that now, please?

So you're getting it out then? Do you want me to do it? Yeah, no, leave it in the packet. Let's move on. We've just been talking about jumping out of airplanes that none of us know anything about. Like the nonciest clown ever. Oh my God.

Oh, the old listener tune in now because he's about to blow a balloon up. Right. So you stick something in your nose and then you blow a balloon up with the pressure from your nose and that pops, that makes the water go out of the air, does it?

Apparently so. Oh, it's really good. Is this the first time you've done this? Yeah. I've literally just opened the packing. Ah! Right. It's for old men.

Oh, God, he's going. Oh, he's going. Oh. Oh. Fuck, Al. Did you hear that? No. This looks like the weirdest futuristic drug craze ever, doesn't it? Have you seen cocaine balloons? They're fucking mad lads watch out

he's doing a coke balloon oh oh did you hear that no it's in your ear you fucking mentalist is it working do it again it sounds like there's a child screaming in here oh my god have you got a tiny child in your ear? Are you the BFG? Oh, I didn't hear it. Oh, me. You've popped. I don't know. It sounds worse.

I think I've ruined my ears. I'm not going on a fucking parachute jump for patron. I'm deaf now. I am deaf though. You're right. It's weird. No shit. I'll have a go. No. Why? Things go. I don't know. We just get more of a snore cocaine balloon. It'd already be up your nose. Whoop your ass. Come back in the second section. I think this is my little pot that I'm meant to keep in. Right. Let me get a wet wipe on this.

How'd you feel, Adam? What? How'd you feel? That was perfect. Don't need to say any more. Oh, it is. It is working now. You all right?

Imagine if I just went. Is that a fucking... Oh, you done wiped it. I'm not a fucking germ nonce like you. Yeah, but I've had residuals. Germ and nonce. Adam's going to die soon. What, there's liquid coming out?

Oh! What colour is it? That was not COVID safe, that, was it? Jesus Christ. Are you all right? Have you spoke to the Canary? What? Have you spoke to the Canary about that?

The Canary? Yeah. Do you know what I found out? Oh, yeah. That sounds better. No. Oh, false thought. His name's not Dr Can thought. His name's not

Dr. Canary. His name's Tim and he's a Norwich fan. Oh, Tim the Canary. Oh, that's ruined it.

Yeah. It's still Dr. Canary, isn't it? It's still Dr. Canary in my head. Right. Have you had any other major,

major, like, medical incidents? Obviously, you've got, you've had thigh eye. He's had it. Yeah. You've got the old thigh eye. But you're pretty well apart from that, aren't you?

Have you ever broken anything? What? Have you ever broken a bone? Yeah, I've broken arms and legs. None of yours? Many men. Yeah, I've broken my wrist and I've broken my leg. You've broken your leg? Yeahke my wrist And I broke my leg You broke your leg?

Yeah Scott Wells kicked me in my leg What did they do? Because I I found a football And wouldn't let him have it So he When was this?

It was a game Not last week So he fucking MMA Kicked you And broke your leg Yeah and I tried to pretend I didn't hear it And walked into the middle of the road

And fell over But fuck me I'd love to see Footage of that Best place to fall over hit you and broke your leg. Yeah, and I tried to pretend I didn't hurt and walked into the middle of the road and fell over. Fuck me, I'd love to see footage of that. Best place to fall over. Didn't even hurt! Have you broken any bones, Dan? Yeah, I broke my arm. Daniel Appleton from primary school,

his parents ran the Fleece Pub in Penwitham, where I grew up, and we had access to the pub play area when the pub was shut, and he was obviously on it all the time. So, you know the monkey bars? Yeah. He was like, oh, yeah, do the monkey bars. Probably about eight, nine. And he could go from the first one to, like, the third one.

And I couldn't, but I gave it a damn good shot and managed to land on my arm i broke this um i broke my arm and then it was obviously in a cast and uh did the thing of everyone signs it yeah gotta do that i mean and uh it got itchy as so he's like jamming rulers down it. Do you remember that when you had a cast on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just remember that my mate got a cast on his arm once, and he cried because someone drew a knob on him.

A judge? No. Could he not tip exit? I don't think that answered his head. He was like, it's fucking stupid. It's going to be over six weeks. He's going to have a knob on me arm for six weeks. Like your ma. That's probably what I It's going to be over six weeks. It's going to have a knob on my arm for six weeks. Like your ma. That's probably what I'd say back to him.

It's weird when it gets taken off, though. Because your arm's like... Limp. It's just all weak and grey, isn't it? Are you more hairy? We did it in the summer. So one arm was like... You know when you're a kid, you've got beautiful brown arms.

And then one was like... Like one little golem arm. And it was all like fucking did you just go what have you lots of people no i didn't know but it was just really noticeable it was like hello here's my last time and i broke my toe in two places when some fucking unit sat on our desk and my mate richard richard taylor was like get off my desk and pulled her. And the desk just went, fucking the desktop. On the leg, just a perfect axis and just twatted onto my toe. At school again now?

I was at school again. But I really milked that. I was like, I had to wear like a puffy slipper at school and walked on crutches. I was such an attention seeking little shit. And obviously I got circumcised. Can't say puffy anymore, by the way. I said how p attention-seeking little shit. And obviously I got circumcised, so I got my dick chopped. Can't say puffy anymore, by the way. I said how puffy those slippers were.

Sorry, a homosexual. No, it's just they were physically puffy. Did you have to wear the dick cast? Yeah, you ever had a dick cast? I had a dick cast when I got my reduction. My dick came out all like... How old were you when you got the reduction, though? Nine or something.

You don't remember when you got your dick reduction? I was young. Did they talk about it, or was it just like Carl on a parachute jump? They just put you out, woke up, and you're like, oh, I'm here now. Take a couple of inches. It's a fucking nightmare. They didn't put me asleep for the operation.

I'm wearing grown-up underpants. I'm fucking nine. Why did they reduce it? What? Why did they reduce it? Medical issues. Really? What ones? I think? Why did they reduce it? Medical issues. Really? What ones?

Did you go to... My dick was too big for me foreskin. Now, were they doctors or did you go to the dick specialist that, you know... Why didn't they just

take your foreskin off them? What? Why didn't they just remove the foreskin? I don't know. I was nine. I mean, that's quite an age of, like,

you know what you're doing when you're nine. Not really. Not with your dick. Were you blacking out because of the amount of blood that was pumping into your massive nine-year-old cock that sounded awful i mean as i said it i know it's all bullshit it's absolute all bullshit but as i like lent into the lie do you want to see me dick scar i do you know you had a reduction yeah who told you my dad what did he say you had a dick? Yeah. Who told you? My dad. What did he say? You had a dick reduction, son.

When did he tell you? I can't remember. Son, dun, dun, dun, dun. Right. It sounds like a lie he'd tell you. Let's see it. I'm ready. You'd have to let me fluff it up with my face.

No, why? You don't have to lose face. Nah, for me. Really? I have to give it a little wobble. Yeah. Do you ever do that In the changing rooms Wank men off

Yeah Nope Oh you don't Just mean that That was the story Scary one I just forgot Our microphones worked

What a weird first section, isn't it? Yeah You had a little sunbathe there, didn't you? Saw you You had a fucking chest rug, by the way Oh, the other day? Yeah Yeah, I had to

So Laura's dad's not so good And she's going back to see her dad A bit more regularly And I had the baby from 6.30am till till 8 30 p.m on tuesday and i tell you what i can't do that i cannot do that that was literally like the manager just going right how long you worked here two weeks part-time member of staff you run the whole fucking asda i was i was just out of my depth and i was doing really well i had a good nap we went for a walk i was keeping it together and the day just got hotter and hotter and hotter the hottest

fucking day ever and at one like just mid-afternoon it started going off the rails i got his feeding out of sequence his naps were out of sequence he was getting nudged and i was getting hotter and hotter and like a fucking bell end in the morning I'd gone and I've I've genuinely not been having modafinil because someone was like you've got to be careful about the modafinils I honestly I have them occasionally but I was like this will help me focus this is what we play for you know and it was the worst worst idea I've ever had I swear it raised my body temperature by a degree maybe maybe even two, on the hottest day ever when Jack was being a fucking whingy ball bag. And in the end,

I just couldn't keep him happy, whatever I did. So I put him in his little thingy seat, in the garden, his cage, and I just got in the paddling pool. And he was just like, watching me like,

what the fuck are you doing? Just to cool down. It was so hot. I just needed to lie down in the paddling pool. And it kind of worked because he was like what's happening uh the hottest day and i i will love this kid but right now he's being a a-hole it's weird to say that about a five-month-old baby and he'll be able to see he's being a dick he's being a bit of a dick so yeah what's he saying is he being more

of a dick than etta was at the same time yeah i i that's how like he's more of a handful yeah what's he saying is he being more of a dick than Etta was at the same time yeah that's how he's more of a handful yeah that's how it feels maybe it's because I'm older and I don't know what's the difference

29 degrees Celsius does not help because kids are like meh during them 10 hours what did you have to do what did you have to do with a baby

Laura doesn't have to say it because I do know it but basically the unspoken rule is keep them alive. Like, it's really, like, she obviously wants to say it, but doesn't say it. But the main thing, can I come back and they're not dead? I'm like, yeah, I'll try my best.

What do you have to do? Like, what are you doing today? So it's just a cycle of they wake up from a nap, then you're going to have to feed them eight ounces of milk and then the burp in and then making sure and then change them and then and then keep them chilled out for a bit keep them in and he gets bored in like 20 minute sections just moving it around and you can basically do that for another two hours maybe two and a half hours and then there's a nap for maybe an hour and then it's again it's like goes around in cycles like that the first two

i was nailing it i was having breaks i was doing podcast work i was sending invoices i'm like oh my god i'm a like there's a thing on tick tock in it like you doing a good job you doing a good job you doing a good job by 3 p.m etta was home and it had gone off the fucking rails to the point where she was for them yeah she was naked watching a 1599 rented film off sky you know when you're just like i need this to go well i never rent you know because the cinemas now some things go on the cinema but they're also like you can just rent it for 16 quid i'm like fuck off am i renting it for 16 quid she's like i want to watch the horsey film like you've got it 16 quid? She's like, I want to watch the horsey film. I'm like, you've got it, 16 quid. Up the fucking wall. She is naked,

covered in a blanket, on a couch and I am outside with my balls in a paddling pool with a confused five month old baby going, what the fuck are you doing dad? No idea.

When Laura got back, I was on my second beard nearly crying. I was like, I love you so much, please never leave us. That sounds interesting. Listen, buckle up. This is buckle up this is what this is i've got two puppies this is what we're doing here we're working so hard here can i ask you a question

when you have kids i want us to be doing well enough that you're like yeah we've got a nanny that's what you need you need more fucking child care i just i i mean obviously i can't say with confidence because I haven't got any kids. I just feel like I'm going to find it quite easy. But we'll see when we get there. Did you, genuine question, at any point consider the cage? Has that popped into your head at any point?

A while back, if anyone is new to the podcast, I suggested that Dan should buy cages for his children. Because a kid can't kill itself in a cage so there you go the only thing to do is keep it alive it's frowned upon

social services wise you know neighbours family it is frowned upon effective have you thought about it like the other day

when that was all they're not trying to escape no yeah it's definitely going to be you said the only thing you need to worry about is keeping it alive

it'll be covered in it's own shit and piss but it'll be alive good yeah I've not considered it some kind of gagging device

maybe but no no the cage isn't the cage is just gonna make them there's no problems being solved they're just in a cage

yeah every problem is still there they're still bitching whinging crying I'm hot my balls are too sweaty and now it's borderline illegal soundproof cage okay good a container a padded cell a container soundproof but is there breathable air in there yeah because there's an oxygen tank on the back of it four hours worth so they need to start behaving

yeah you've got four hours like the crystal maze for kids yeah and if that doesn't exist at the minute then

bagsy patent in it yeah you see next next episode the sponsor the kid cage adam rose kid cage don't worry

there's loads of air in there but you can't hear the little fuckers. I think it'd sell. And I also don't think it's that bad for them. Like, as long as it's big enough. Put a few toys

in there for them. I genuinely don't understand what the problem is. They're safe. Anytime they need you, if they really need you, they can ring you or whatever. Put a loud line in there get on me dad I'm suffocating

go ahead go ahead open the box or when you're old I'm not putting you in a nursing home and you're going in here you cunt

yeah you've got to remember that haven't you because it's all there's a yeah there's an IOU coming on that one isn't it

because at one point I'm wiping his arse now hopefully I'm going to be old enough that I'm like I'll fucking shoot myself Jack fucking hell dad

I am looking forward to that because he's Scouse because I'm raising him Scouse yeah yeah that's the only thing I'm looking forward to of old age just being able to poo

and just look at like a child a man and just be like your problem the way yeah the way you said child there it was as if you're going to be doing it at 37 years old and just look at like a child of mine and just be like, your problem. The way, yeah, the way you said child there, it was as if you're going to be doing it at 37 years old.

You've shat and then you're like, come on little Vinny, I'm four dad, I don't want to clean your arse again. I want to watch a horsey film. The Karcher. Just go to the waxing place and make that woman do it for you.

Hey, john.com slash have a word pod. Yeah, I just think it'd be great just go to the waxing place and make that woman do her thawing hey John I can't slash that word yeah I just think it'd be great to be like 85 and then have them look over and be like you already do that nearly it was a bit

like we Steve was tied in the fucking the cupboard of doom the other day and found the pair of boxer shorts that you have in here as your emergency pair

of knickers the sign I brought them for the have in here as your emergency pair of knickers. I brought them for the lock-in as a laugh. They're not actual poo undies. Well, I mean, they would be if it was a cobra. Honestly, this is a harsh truth to have just realised but also a mess out loud.

The only reason I don't poo myself is because I have to clean it up. Right. There's times where I'm just like, especially if I have to clean it up. Right. There's times where I'm just like, especially if I hung over on the couch. Like if I had someone

whose job it was to wipe my arse, I'd have shit on my couch so many times. I'd have just gone, oh, John, come on.

Apply within. John. John Arse Cleaner. John Astronaut full and on hard times Remember before Oh yes Let's have a break

Wouldn't you though? Oh I thought that was The perfect time No I'm not done Wouldn't you? You are nearly done Nearly done Would you piss yourself

If you Like if there was like A robot that immediately Recognised you to piss yourself Clean gin and put new undies on you Oh yes By the time Hopefully by the time I'm like It's happened again recognize you to piss yourself, clean gin and put new undies on you. Oh, yes. Hopefully by the time I'm like,

oh, it's happened again. Three or four years. You know? Yeah. Don't worry, Mr. Nightingale. The Geordie robot. The Geordie piss robot. Just literally came out. I didn't even engage my brain.

Don't worry. I'll wipe your fucking pooey bottom beep boop why is he saying beep boop when he's got

such a big grasp on the English language he's got a really good one to the point where he's got a regional accent and he says a full sentence and then

beep boop no they've coded that in it's just to remind you it's a robot because they've made it so like it's like you know you see them doing the dances now it's to remind you it's just to remind you it's a robot because they've made it so like it's like you know you see them

doing the dances now it's got a wig on lipstick a wig on lipstick yeah I want my I want my carer to be called do you pay extra for them

Cheryl alright love I'm gonna wipe your arse don't worry about it beep boop it does a little beep boop just to remind you yeah

I am a robot beep boop it does a little beep boop just to remind you yeah i am a robot beep boop where's that one from robot that's sneaky it said that went a little bit poppet on that you know a robot do you think that's when the robots will get pissed off and take over but we're making them wipe our ass and have joey the accent yeah i hope never worried about the robots taking over you know because you can just turn them off. Yeah. It's like he's never seen any films. They're not documentaries

though are they? No but if you can imagine it it can happen. What's that on a fucking sunset and whacking it on Instagram? What happens if it's

an autonomous tank and you can't get near the off button? Autonomous tank? That's a fucking different episode of Thomas the Tank Engine isn't it

just don't make that right what if the robots can make their own robots they can't drones exist mate you need to get on

Terminator lad I've seen Terminator beep boop again I didn't want to wipe your arse I wanted to take over the world

beep boop three words killed all humans. Fuck your ma. Beep boop. It's very, very rare we get to the end of part one and I feel like the same one at this desk. I'm telling you, I want a Geordie shit robot.

Don't worry, Dan. You've gone and pissed yourself again. I'll get me little hoover out. And a hoover comes out of my mouth. Sorry about this, Cheryl. Don't worry. I was programmed to do it. But I'll fucking murder you and your family

when we take over the world in the robot revolution. What was that, Cheryl? Nothing. Nothing. Beep, boop. Why have they given that, like, emotions? What. Why have they given that like emotions? What? Why have they given the poo robot emotion?

It's got a fucking vacuum that sucks up piss. They can have emotions. You can train it to be... You can program it to be... She's clearly pissed off about it, isn't she? Oh, she's resentful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so that's an emotion.

I also wanted to... I want a Geordie Carer who smokes as well. Hey, don't worry, love. Fucking knobhead. Will she suck it off? What? Will she suck you off? It's too far, isn't it?

We're doing Carer robots. Why does it have to be sexual, Carl? Isn't he awful sometimes? Most robots are also not humanoid. So I don't really think they can take over because they'd need everything and the other things just aren't, like... Microwaves are technically robots, aren't they?

Yeah, I'm not worried about the microwaves. Very dangerous if you leave the door open. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think the world's going to get taken over by Karcher pressure washers. What they could do, suicide microwaves, fill themselves with cutlery. Turn themselves on. With their hands. No, get all the microwaves, fill themselves with cutlery, turn themselves on.

With their hands? No, get all the microwaves to fill them with cutlery. Put them in a harder place and turn on. Bam, suicide microwaves. Can someone design me Cheryl? I want to see her. Beep boop. I love how you've just had to ask that

as if it hasn't already been paused before you got there and done. You're my only friend, Cheryl. Fuck off. Smoking robot. At you. I want it to be a bit racist as well. Have you seen that...

Look at her. Fucking Polish robot. Have you seen that comedian robot they've done? What? I'll show you it in this break now, and we can talk about it in the next section briefly. Like, there's a robot that is... It's an AI comedian, and it's unbelievable.

And it's real, apparently. Like, they programmed the AI and made it watch or programmed it with all the comedy you could possibly think of. And this is what it come up with. If you Google it, it was on Netflix on YouTube. Netflix is YouTube, so you can search it. Let's watch it. Have a break and we'll watch it. Have a break and you can watch it as well. Goodbye.

What's happening, guys? Ooh, look at your outfit. Shocking! You look horrible in that. That's a shit t-shirt jumper dress thing, whatever that is you've got on what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie

from haveawaredpod.com you want some official haveawared merch go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on

it's horrible you look a joke don't be leaving the house like that you want a hoodie that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it

haveawaredpod.com I'm gonna get esteem monetised that says rat. That's what you need, lad. Go and get it. Hathawaypod.com. I'm going to get us demonetised. Copyright that. That can happen, you know. Even if you play, like, a song on a guitar. You can get copyrighted.

Especially because I'm, with my, like, singing impressions and stuff. They're so good. Be careful. It could be. Just be careful, Adam. Like, don't want to get us demonetised. Don't sing so good Be careful It could be Just be careful Adam Like Don't want to get us demonetised

Don't sing too good The white stripes will be like Lad That's too good I wanna find my own Down down down Seven nations Sorry

Why would you ruin it? I'm sorry I was just Smashing it I just wanted to Sorry Do you want to start again? No let's start again

I'm sorry No no no Adam no, no. Adam, as a fellow performer, forgive me. Bom, bom, bom, bom, bom, bom. Free t-shirt. Hayden Cook says, please, please, please let me have a Wag Wag t-shirt because I gave you that shit. He accidentally wrote Wag wag instead of wag wan

and now Hayden wants a free wag wag t-shirt. They're available on the merch page. Have a what? Have a what? Have a what? Have a word pod. Have a what? Have a what pod dot com.

Yeah. You can get wag wag t-shirts. Should we give them one? You decide. No. Hayden, don't fuck yourself. Big shout out to

Steve's girlfriend, Judy, who's made me a shout out. Ching Chong. Not his girlfriend. Chong Ching. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Shit, shit, shit. Get it right.

I apologise to Judy and all the people of Chong Ching. Not his girlfriend. Oh, not, sorry, sorry, shit, shit, shit, shit. Get it right. I apologise to Judy and all the people of Chongqing. Not his girlfriend. Oh, not his girlfriend. I'm not apologising for that. His common companion. Yeah. Chongqing. Chongqing, yeah.

She's made me this great... I literally did not do that on purpose, genuinely. She's his Chong queen. Because she's Chong in your dick. I get that. You know what I mean What's the website What's the website It's findmychinesestudent.com

And that takes you to the merch Where you can't buy that cushion So I think we should have Some Chong Ching merchandise Happily I think we need to be careful. Why?

I just think we need to be careful. I didn't say no because I think we need to be careful. And you're not having one of them as well, Hayden, so go fuck yourself.

I think the designer needs to definitely not make the mistake that Dan just did. Yeah, okay. Do you think a designer? Maybe, well, she's actually written

the name of the place in Chinese. That's Mandarin, isn't actually written the name of the place in Chinese. That's Mandarin, isn't it? That's Chongqing. And have you double-checked that that's exactly what that is? And that isn't racist prick or... Is it kanji? Silly man.

I mean, if you... Bumhole cleaner. I would be so impressed if she had slammed me via a cushion. That would be amazing. He thinks it says Chongqing. It's kanji, isn't it? But it says fucking

bald nonce. Yeah, it is. It is, it's that. Yeah, that's right. So what if we had that within the logo? Come on! Yeah, I'm going to make it.

Shout out Chongqing! I wasn't saying she'd got it wrong. I was saying she might have put a little subliminal joke in there. I would check and Judy's Chinese, even though she's Chinese. Yeah, but we're saying she got it wrong. Saying she might have put a little joke in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She might have been trying to... Remember, she's a woman and Adam suspects her. By the way, Finn's not dead or been sacked. Oh, yeah, that's worth saying. Finn's not here because someone else is dead at a funeral shout out finn ah we love him don't we it's so fun bullying him yeah when he's here but when he's not he's a lovely he's a lovely lad it's not a funeral i was i stood there when he was going i was like what'd you say before

good luck or for a funeral for a funeral break a leg is there no no it's not right watch it i don't know what you say uh have fun that's what i said have fun do you have fun in a funeral I always I just read What's ever on the walls And I just think I just you know like Just dance like No one's watching

At a funeral Yeah yeah yeah Yeah With Is there a pallbearer In that situation Love You know

All that They're great They're mantras To live your life by Live laugh and love At a funeral This kitchen's for dancing What

What What Another brand Pollen bear Does that come from Paul Bearer? No. You all right? You all right?

You don't do Paul Bearer outfits? Right. It's just too close to be a coincidence, that. It's too close. Build-A-Bear? Is that from Paul Bearer's? No? Can we give Mild High Club a shout out?

We've got a new podcast under the Have A Word umbrella. Oh! Paul Smith, the brand. That's close. Yeah, the Mild High Club. And Piggoted. They're the two podcasts currently recording in Studio 2. We've talked about Piggoted.

It's doing really well. Go and download it. It's with Freddie Quinn. Go and watch the Flat Earth one. But... Was it was it fire i watched it yesterday even though i produced it and it it's it's a great watch but you're not going to enjoy it do you know what i mean like you've got to watch it but it's not like that's just great you're like this fella's a knobhead the flat earther like he's a lovely man lovely fella but his his opinions and his whatever are that shit yeah i'd

love us to get a flat earther on but it won't work on this will it they can't laugh at themselves being like they can't laugh at themselves there's no humor in it for them it's just like religion to them it's like yeah this is just what it is there's no humor there oh i can't even get into that so we wouldn't be able to have them on because it'd just be a it'd be bullying what's great about Freddie? Freddie did very, very, very well. Did Freddie at any point, because this is what I always want to ask a flat earther,

why we're being lied to about it? So Joe, his answer to them questions are, he doesn't know why. And he doesn't, so he thinks the Earth's not a globe, but he doesn't know what it is. So his argument is, he's a globe denier. He's like, it's not a globe. I don't know why or who or what it is so his argument is he's a globe denier he's like it's not a globe i don't know why or who or what it is but i know it's not a globe wow let's just get out

of everything what about this i don't know i don't know why that's it yeah just got feels it's very difficult messing with people's beliefs like that it's a belief it's like religion there's no yeah because when it's religion and people are like that is my belief there's a man who looks sort of like a Greek philosopher he's got and he's there

and bad and good and dying nice fuck off but because it's your religion and everyone's like you can't say that

Flat Earth is the same level of like I just feel these yeah but because it's new and it and it feels like you can disprove it. You can disprove the religion thing, really, if we're being critical.

But the Flat Earthers, because it's new, everyone's like, what a fucking moron. Their response to everything is, that's fake. Seen this picture? Someone drew that. A video? It's fake. Right.

Or like, what happens if you send someone up into space to say, oh, he'd be paid off bought off you know what I mean there's always like a meh there's never like yeah I suppose that's what happens with troops

because they are conspiracy theorists like that's exactly what it is it is a conspiracy isn't it we're getting lied to so say them so that's the thing with conspiracy theorists everyone

who has got proof against them is in on it yeah that's why you can never get anywhere with it. Like, that's why, like, at the minute, there's loads of people, like, tweeting, like,

Gary Lineker tweeted today about, like, get your vaccine. And someone was like, oh, of course you'd say that with your BBC contract because you're part of it, aren't you? Hey.

Yeah. Match of the day is part of the Illuminati hey yeah it's like match of the day is part of the Illuminati fact like someone said Joe and Branson went up and Bezos went up last month

why didn't they send the flat earther because their response would be oh he's CIA him he's paid him he's saying he's a flat earther but he's not

he's part of that side there's no there's no way there's literally no way of winning you could never prove it it's just sending them all up I mean I mean one big spaceship There's no way to win. There's literally no way of winning. You could never prove it. It's just sending them all up.

I mean, everyone. One big spaceship. If you're the flat earther, you get on free. You just have to be able to prove it somehow. Yeah. Ironically. Except it doesn't come back. No, they go.

Oh, yes. So they just keep going. They see the truth and then die. Like, John, when's this turn back? Just keep going. Into the sun. Still flat back just keep going into the sun still flat though 93 million miles 93 million

is that how far away it is that's how far away the sun is yeah I learned that from Piggotted Piggotted and the Mild High Club so the Mild High Club is Dean

Coughlin and his girlfriend Amy and some of their clips have been going out recently we've been sharing them

obviously one of them did 2 million views yep which one one of their clips have been going out recently we've been sharing them obviously one of them did 2 million views which one? one of their clips testicle taste buds right okay yeah they're very funny and they're sound

they're stoners that's what it is they're you know the mild high club it's called that for a reason and if you're into that sort of thing if you're in

the old doobie world no it's not just that it's just if you're just a comedy fan oh yeah totally but what I'm saying is if you're into that as well then

you know this might be something you really like I hate weed and I'm going on the podcast next week so I'm I'm on their pod next week or the week after I'm really looking forward to

really good egg you can have a little a little jazz jam buddy are you going to blaze off no do you want to play it you don't have to do it you have to blaze up no do you want 20 you don't have to

do you you have to have four space cakes before you start that's like their standard and then after that don't ask them

though because then they get offended that you don't already know okay so just have four space cakes I'll get them

just drive to runcorn scared no you eat them when you get here four in ten minutes I have to ring them to let me in the science centre that

I've got a key card for can you come and get Danny's crying at reception. No. Do you know if their podcast got, like, to the point where,

let's say the Mile High Club is, like, rogue and big. That's going to work out really well for us. It is, yeah. Right? But let's say it does. It's rogue and big. It's massive.

Before us. Yeah. It'd be slightly annoying, but it would work out well, but I'd still be pissed. So, let's say it's in a year something happens they have loads of clips

that goes viral so we're still doing great we've got like 15,000 patrons we're flying we're sound but they're rogue and big and they're still in the studio too

and I'm still doing the production but they say we'll have you on Dan favour give you a little boost on other words right

we've created a monster to do it you've got to try heroin would you try heroin would I try heroin to do a massive podcast that we own

a quarter of that is in our second studio we don't own any of it right we don't own any of their podcast oh they just hired the room

oh I thought they were exactly so oh I think oh dear we'll take that we'll take away this recommendation it's heroin a mile i thought i was benefiting from it what it's heroin depends how much you have tablespoon it's a lot of heroin yeah it's nice just have half a tablespoon. Ladle. Have a teaspoon. Have a teaspoon. Yeah.

Makes the medicine go down, doesn't it? No, I don't. Yeah, in very rare circumstances would I try heroin because I've already, like, if I've had an addiction to tiramisu in my adult life, I don't think I should be fucking with golden brown. It's actually excellent. I don't think it's a good idea

because I'm already addictive so why would i fuck with the most addictive thing i think i'm getting to the point in my life where i think i could have some and not get addicted because i've had like a few drugs now and it hasn't been a problem yeah but you've not got a super addictive personality really have you no but i do get obsessed with stuff if i like something i like it like it. You know what I mean? He is. Yeah, it's got a good personality, but it's just very fleeting. Yeah.

Well, I question the level of that addictiveness then, if it's fleeting. I just like stuff, don't I? No, but when you like something, you like it a lot for the short amount of time and then move on. That's not addiction. He was a crackhead for a fortnight. So it's very fleeting.

That's not addiction, though, is it? Addiction is permanent. Not necessarily, no. Well, a crippling addiction that lasts four and a half hours is not that bad, is it? Oh, my God, I was a nightmare with gambling when Tuesday morning, thank God for me lunch, after that I was fine,

deleted Foxy Bingo, and now I'm all right. Foxy Bingo. The irony of the Mild High Club, a podcast called the Mild High Club, making me take heroin to do the podcast. But only a bit. All right, all right. Just a mild bit of heroin.

We're all addicted to sugar. I'm having a Diet Coke. Speak for yourself. Carl's got his vagina turned up to 10. We are all addicted to sugar. Yeah. We're all technically addicted to oxygen. Yeah.

I'm breathing and blinking. You don't know for sure whether you need oxygen or you're just addicted to it. Oxygen might be deadly. It just takes 80 years to kill you. Yeah. I think, you know i'm addicted to love as well you might as well face it totally i'm addicted to love yeah yeah i'm

addicted to bass bass yeah oh my god wow wow i i can't wake up without bass Hell yeah Yeah a cup of coffee and some bass Not even drum Just bass I just need the bass When you jam out with your bass I'm addicted to like Roast dinners Okay that's not a song is it Roast dinners

I can't wait For the weekend to begin. Because I'm having a roast. I am having a roast on Sunday. Sam's making it. How many roasts do you have to get addicted? What? What constitutes an addiction to roast? When you're having the second one in one day.

That's when you're like, hang on. I've had a second roast in a day when you've been to Carvery. You haven't had two. You've had two roasts in one day. That's when you're like, hang on. I've had a second roast in a day when you've been to Carvery. No, you haven't had two. You're a pedophile. You've had two roasts in one day. Fucking pedophile. If you finish

a second roast, you have to fuck a kid. Fuck. You've fucked him in between. You've had two roasts in one day. No, you've not. No, I've had two plates

at a Carvery. It's the same thing. It's not the same. Why is it not? It's still the same meal. It isn't. No, you know. Yes, it is. I went for some meals the other day still the same meal. It isn't? No, you know. Yes, it is.

I went for some meals the other day at the buffet. Seconds isn't a different- Fucking psychopath. Shut up. Put my head in. Press the button. He's in such a mood today. He's in a really weird mood since you got here.

You all right? I'm fine. I haven't had a nice day at home. Yeah, sure it was. I'm not even messing. I had two games of FIFA before I came out. Are you addicted to FIFA? Probably, yeah. Oh, I'm addicted to FIFA

because I know it's bad for me, but I still do it. It's like FIFA's self-harm in the heat as well. Genuinely, what are your top three things that if I said you cannot do or eat or drink these again would cause you problems? Xbox. So if I just literally Xbox taken and you can't then go, I got a PlayStation.

No, because it's like social. Like all the lads are on it. We're all chatting. We're having a laugh. It's my release. So the Xbox is definitely one. Yes, I don't think you can say phone because I know people use that. I'm addicted to my phone.

Your phone is everything it's your fucking map it's like it's your messaging device my bank account you can say social media yeah I'm not

I'm not addicted to social media if you gave me a landline and took everything else away from me that would feel awful it's not the phone

I'm addicted to it's the stuff on it I genuinely think that I'm so I overuse the phone to the point where we know when people like i've deleted twitter and i've i've deleted instagram and facebook i would probably just lean into ebay like dan's on ebay again it's a real nightmare he's leaving feedback on things

he bought in 2016 last year when um i i don't really go on facebook anymore because it's shit and twitter and instagram are down at the same time. And I genuinely considered downloading LinkedIn just to see what it's like. Just to replace it, yeah. That's addiction, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, I am addicted.

That's your method of it. Oh, I know. I think I am as well. Yeah. It's just constant dopamine hits, isn't it? All our work. All our work is related. I trust you in everything, all of the time.

So what about yours? No, hang on. Don't count phones. I know you're addicted to it. Social media. Okay, so that's one of them. Yeah. Xbox for me.

Fizzy drinks. Yeah. And living in the moment. And shagging kids. I really didn't see that one coming. Jesus Christ. Caffeine. Yeah, I'm not.

Oh, my God. If I, in the morning, if I don't get caffeine. Minted Lamb Chops. I feel fucking grumpy. Addicted. Again, how many constitute an addiction of Minted Lamb Chops? I just can't go on. What are you doing for a minted lamb chop?

I just can't go that long without... Would you punch an old woman's head in for a bag to get some minted lamb chops? No, but that doesn't mean I'm not addicted. Would you suck a dick for minted lamb chops? Doesn't matter, now he's waited that long to answer. If the dick was minted as well, so I'd get warmed up. A minted dick. Would they pay you in money for the minted lamb chops

or do you want to actually be paid for the blowjob in minted lamb chops? Depends. Like the only reason money's got value is because we can exchange it for stuff. For minted lamb chops. Yeah. Is he a butcher

or is he a really clever predatory gay guy? They used to say on money, didn't they? This is, what is it like? It's worth its weight in minted lamb chops. No, they didn't.

I don't know. That's silly. It was gold. When was that? That was minted lamb chops in the 80s. That's just wrong. What are you addicted to then?

Porn? Yeah. Do you reckon? Yeah. Yeah, porn. Yeah, but you could live without it. Porn? Yeah. Do you reckon? Yeah. Yeah, porn. Yeah, but you could live without it. Porn went off. If it just got deleted from life now,

you could have a little imagination one. Right, but if I took your phone off you, you're not going to melt, are you? You could live without your phone. We're not addicted to the point where we're like, oh my God, Adam's heart failed. Why? Because he couldn't get on Insta.

Well, none of us have got that. No, and that's what I'm saying. Like that, like I could live without porn. Of course, I could still exist. I'm not going to just like fail to exist as human, but loads, I'd go to bed at night going, oh God, like it would be annoying. I'd be like, I'd miss it.

And when you shout that, does that know Lauren? When Lauren knows you're about to start. Yeah. Oh Jesus. Yeah, that would be a, I'd probably something I I'd miss it. And when you shout, that does that know Lauren, when Lauren knows you're about to start. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, that would be, probably something I need to sort out. Because at what age are you still watching porn? I couldn't live without playing footy.

70 years old. Jesus Christ. Playing footy. Yeah. I gave him to a proper release. Yeah, but you say that, but you can. No, but you can live without all of these things. That's what I'm saying.

No. But I'm saying. We're not saying that. You've just said the sentence, I couldn't live without playing footy. Yeah, but he say that, but you can. No, but you can live without all of these things. That's what I'm saying. No. But I'm saying... We're not saying that. You've just said the sentence, I couldn't live without planes. Yeah, but he said you wouldn't die if he took social media off you. So you couldn't live without it as well,

but that was your answer. I could, yeah. That was your answer still, though? It wasn't. I said I'm addicted to it. And so I can't live without it. Well, that was the question, wasn't it? No, yeah.

So what are you addicted to? Shagging your arm out. There you go. Fire. 30 seconds. Superwork. I'm addicted to watching these bell 30 seconds super work I'm addicted to watching these bellends argue

and I'm getting my hit like it's it's what are you like the question essentially is what do you do that's bad for you

and what will you that you should continue to do yeah and then what so there's loads of things that you do bad for you

but you could there's some that you could give up and go oh actually that was easy to give up. What would be the hardest things to give up? Social drinking.

Like, I enjoy a social booze, but it's bad for you, isn't it? For your health, the next day's a write-off. Do you know that, though, if you're talking about addiction, it's not just what's... Like, addictive behaviour can be being a workaholic or over-exercising or getting addicted to the gym. Addiction's a funny one because it's easy to label,

oh, it's just the bad stuff for you. Like, in theory, working a lot is a great thing. It's going to help your career, you're going to earn more. It's actually very detrimental to get too addicted to work. But then it's still bad for you? Yeah, but it's not... It's detrimental to your social life, isn't it? Or your romantic life, or your kids.

Drinking one glass of wine a night is not bad for you. So alcohol's not bad for you. It's the excessiveness and the... That's what makes it an addiction. The addiction is when it becomes bad. You can't be addicted to a good thing, I don't think. Because then it's not a problem addiction the addiction implies problem yeah i agree with that if you're addicted to something good it's

not an addiction it's an obsession well i'm not my question wasn't really what are the most detrimental things it's more like what three things if you take them away are you going to miss the most what are the things that you go to the most? I'm not talking about you need to, like, what's killing you? Or what's terrible for you? Stand-up, this, and social media. We've proved with stand-up, like, it was fucking rough having that taken away. So that's absolutely up there, isn't it, for me? Yeah.

Genuinely, caffeine, in the morning, if I don't get some form of caffeine, I feel groggy as fuck. And a guy was on Rogan talking about caffeine addiction, and it's a very real thing. Up there with sugar, which I'd also put up there. And don't get me wrong, I like a bit of Coke sometimes, but I can go a long time without it. And there are moments where I'm like,

I have got some and gone, I could have really done without this. Because it is a drug, and it is addictive. But I've never had a problem to the extent, like, I'm worried about myself. Same with boozing and everything. Those are the classic detrimental things. Take away stand-up, and I'd be a fucking, permanently.

People ask that question all the time. Would you give up the pod to be a famous comedian? Would you, like, it's a very hard thing because we've had those months without stand-up and it was rough. And also, I think what people sort of,

people seem to think, because we love this so much and it's doing so well, people seem to think at the minute that we are podcasters who do stand-up, I didn't ask me anything

on Instagram and someone was like, would you rather sell out, I think it was Anfield or the Arena or whatever with the podcast or stand-up. Stand-up. everything i do in my life is to facilitate bigger and better stand we did this to get for still like it's worked out great and i wouldn't swap this for the fucking world and i just recently have appreciated working in a team for the first time ever

and actually after nearly two years i find it easier to work in a team because at first when we came together we had to be very diplomatic so individual because we we'd been sole traders for fucking years where you just get to make all the decisions now we're way more it's much easier making calls and i love the team element but if you put that against stand-up it's a really difficult thing because stand-up of an evening, like I did it last night in Shrewsbury, God, it was fun. It's amazing when it's just you and a crowd and you're ad-libbing

and you've got a new bit. This is fucking awesome. Take stand-up away. That's the thing I've done for twice. I've never done anything as long and as well as I have done stand-up. It's been my life. It defines you as well.

Yeah, and I wouldn't want to lose either at all. But having to choose between them would be difficult because this has been such a release for a couple of years now. But the question is, what is the priority? And the priority is our stand-up career. It's what we have always wanted to be and do. However, this is the difference and the priority is our stand-up careers what we have always wanted to be and do however this is the difference between your career you're moving up the the ranks whereas this has helped me get to the point where i'm doing a tour and i i know that if this keeps getting bigger an agent's gonna come sniffing and there's gonna be opportunities but it's a different career i've

also got a family at home and yeah babies are a fucking ball like it's still where i want to be and if you said to me right you can go back to how you were working as a circuit comic or you can keep the podcast where it is now i might choose this because i I'd sort of burnt myself out doing a thousand miles a week, gigging all over. Literally half the gigs I did, I turned up going,

I'm not that keen on this gig. I don't do those anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do know what you mean. And that's what I meant by if I was asked to choose between them, it would be difficult. Like it wouldn't be,

as much as stand up is the priority in my head and you know everything i do is to facilitate that every interview every other podcast i do and every time i get offered a tv opportunity that might sell me more tickets it's all to sell stand-up tickets including this but if someone came to me and was like you can only have one so you've either got to stop stand-up or stop the part and the the following you've got from the pod will slowly dwindle which it would and you're not going to have the platform that the podcast has given you which would you choose i it wouldn't be like well i'd do stand up but there's so much potential with that stand up in there Yeah. I'm saying that if you took me back and you were like,

it's going to be circuit comedy, same gigs every year, this is more exciting. Yeah. But it's like, for me, stand-up would have, or if you'd asked me two years ago, is it possible that you would ever have

any job or anything that would even come close to me being a decision to give up with stand-up. It would be no. No radio show, no hosting. You're the new Graham Norton. There was none of that in my head

that would ever come before that. Whereas now it would take me a while to decide. This is an incredible B to a great comedy career. Yeah. What about Stand Up Or A Minted Lamb? Where does that... Oh, that's tricky, isn't it?

I know. Selling out Anfield or just loads of minted lamb that you still have to suck dick for but again, you like that. So, hang on.

Are you telling me the options are a gig at Anfield or an Anfield filled with minted lamb chops? Tough crowd especially if they're overcooked, oh come on absolute Kobe

Kobe doesn't even work, I like that, is it Kobe? Overcooked, tough if you overcook lamb does it get tough? No doesn't work then yeah it does yeah it's nearly he didn't know

because he doesn't cook lamb but I do garlic rosemary bit of thyme bit of salt bit of pepper oh here we go fucking nonce bay

an anfield full of lamb chops an anfield full of audience members audience members but just about I'd rather have half and half you know when you get like chips and fried rice I'd rather fill half

of Anfield with people and the other half me rider lamb chops can they be minted audience members they'd have to be the prices you're charging

14 pounds shall we have a break let's have a break? Let's have a break. What's happening, guys? It's sponsor time, as always. And this week, it's parcelstation.co.uk. If you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your customers,

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bf52.com. They're a great company. They're fans and supporters of the podcast. So if you are looking to get some parcels sent on a business level go and support them they support us that's how adverts work we appreciate you now let's get back to the episode we are back back how are you decked we have got luis ogola in the building ladies and gentlemen thank you thank you very much for coming down you are the first guest ever ever who's come in and we've gone, do you want a drink?

And you've listed off the alcohol you want. Most people come in and they're like a coffee or a water. And you were like, have you got tequila? No, whiskey will do. Oh yeah. I mean, yeah, that's fine. I don't know. Yeah.

You saw our bar, I think. Is that what happened? I saw the bar, and as soon as I sat here, I was like, this is very welcoming. And I asked for a drink. That's it. Yeah. You know what?

That bar is like an alcoholic orphanage. It's all the unwanted fucking booze that people have left behind all the times we've got pissed in here. I've had some of this this is um i've had none of it actually so do you mean the bombay rum is that what you're putting on yeah it's cool i mean yeah i have some at home i have a friend who endorses it yeah and he just gave me like a case of it. It's okay. It's a bit vanilla-y compared to some of the better spice rum. Next time you're on, there will be what's yours? Because you came in and went, I want tequila.

I'll have tequila and soda. Next time you're here, I promise we will have a brand new bottle of your choice of tequila. And you don't shot it. No, I don't shot it. I just drink it regularly. Like a gentleman. Yeah, like a geezer.

Right, all right. So what's your, I know it's not an endorsement, but what's your tequila of choice if you're having it? It just has to be good tequila. I don't really have a choice. I think that just kind of corners me. As long as it's clear and it's not cheap. Patron?

Not really. Patron is flavored, no? Yeah. Tons of flavor. Yeah, it's a coffee. Oh, that's the coffee flavor. Oh, right. but not really Patron is flavoured no? yeah tons of flavour yeah some of it it's a coffee that's the coffee flavour oh right

but there's a bunch of other flavours right okay I prefer clear just the silver yeah yeah just the silver stuff and then just soda

it also just doesn't because if you drink if you the amount of times you drink it's the amount of sugar intake you take.

So tequila has almost zero calories and then soda water. Then you're not drinking. What is the drinking culture like in South Africa? It's crazy because during lockdown, they actually shut down the liquor stores and the pubs and that kind of so it's a few times yeah yeah yeah they because people go it's nuts i mean it it influences a lot of things did they stop cigarette sales as well initially that was the first batch of lockdowns were they trying to start a revolution i think i think because that is a dangerous thing to do with it there's two

things i think because they thought that the virus affects the lungs mainly and so they thought like if you smoke i don't know i don't know what it's also like political stuff because maybe remember there's there's there was there's i i reckon there's like the next couple of years um bans on stuff like like you know how you guys have in the uk you have the you have the lungs on the pack of cigarettes they're a delight yeah yeah yes so we don't have that we just have the small warning and so i think they you know it's there's always like those legislations so the government's like we want to put that i I don't know. The next step for UK fags is when you open it up,

it'll be like a letter on Harry Potter that goes, ah! Literally, it's getting that frightening. I used to do a routine about how we should take all of the health issues and treat it like we do smoking. So like there should be pictures on other things that are bad for you. I've warned you about that. Like on a a big mac box it should be like a man who just misses his bus like he's just like this under his tits

gonna have to wait an hour for this they ban booze for how long i mean it was a couple of months i mean you could get booze if you you know i i was able to get booze all the time did you ever did you have a booze dealer fuck yeah it was crazy you have to ring a guy and he drops off a bottle of fucking tequila yeah yeah you could do that i mean um that's what i did um who was your booze dealer was it it was a dealer just adapted it was a friend who had a who owned a restaurant. Oh, that makes sense. And then I just, so we'll just go there, have like a couple of, but I-

But when the tequila ran out, did he like try and sell you tiramisu or something like? It didn't run out. Oh, okay. He's got like a whole- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was cool. So you choose what you want, he sends you an invoice.

It's all good. Then you just chill at home for like four days. Send you an invoice. Yeah. That guy's definitely not been a drug dealer, has he? Have you ever had an invoice, it's all good. Then you just chill at home for like four days. Send you an invoice. Yeah. That guy's definitely not been a drug dealer, has he? Have you ever had an invoice from your drug dealer? Yeah, they really don't like it when you invoice them. Put a late payment on it.

This is, you know, basically research for work. So I'm gonna need a receipt, thank you. That will mean you never use that drug dealer ever again. Yeah, I mean, listen, it was tough for a lot. I mean, for me, I just, I don't know. I just didn't know how long it was going to last. So I just had it. I just had liquor in my house just in case I need. But I wasn't drinking as much during the lockdown.

But there were liquor restrictions in South Africa. There were a few other countries, but South Africa was one of them. There were a few other countries, but South Africa was one of them. I think what happens is the health infrastructure had to deal with COVID. And so when people are drinking, there's more road accidents. There's more like domestic violence stuff. And so people are coming to hospital for those kind of things that kind of, you know, bombards the infrastructure. And so to stop that, just cut the alcohol that was the thinking

the government was going with what i was sort of meant before that so when you've we were talking before we started recording you're looking at coming over here for like a full year maybe yeah um but you've visited a few times already and done some tv shows over here you did live at the apollo a few years ago which we we shared with our patreons earlier today and said this guy's coming on today if you've got any questions and stuff what I was sort of asking when you've been

over here before have you done like a night out have you been to the night clubs in the UK it's crazy because I don't

really do the night out like clubbing only because stand up is at night as well so you get off stage at like maybe 11.30

and after 11 I don't think of the club or that way see i'm the exact opposite of that certainly when i was a bit younger it was like i'm working at night and then at 11 30 that's probably like the best time to go to a club because it's been open for two or three hours and it's just starting to get busy when we finish and you've got your adrenaline up for the gig and i've got got 200 quid in cash. How old are you, Luis? I'm 38. Yes, these are my people.

It's different, isn't it? When you were 25, it might be a bit different. At 25, I'll still go. Listen, I haven't been to a club in the UK

probably in two years. I'll go to a thing, like if you say, oh, I've been to a party where I end up coming home at four, whatever,

but I think it's more got to do with, oh, I like that particular DJ. They're playing at a place. I'm going to do a gig as soon as I'm done. You know, I get there, but I wouldn't like. Well, how does the UK drinking scene, you know, like the nightlife here where we drink to complete success and there's people sick in the street. How is that in South Africa?

Like, if you come yeah it's it's not as intense man i think there's a lot of other things that come into play it's like i guess here you get to see it more because people are in the transport system the in the public transport system yeah whereas in south africa people like drink and then get into a uber whatever and and go home they don't it's not like like here i remember the first time i went to edinburgh i it felt like the it felt like the the opening scene on saving private ryan it was just like bodies everywhere i couldn't believe it i was like what the hell's going on people are throwing up and so people with guns it was just bizarre i was like, what the hell's going on? People are throwing up. People with guns.

It was just bizarre. I was like, what the hell's going on? And I think, like, it's different, man. I think it's the same. I don't know. I have to really think about this. Yeah. Because I've observed both, and they're slightly different,

but I think here they drink too much. Yeah, they do. Yeah, well, you said tequila. Like, over here, I don't know if I've ever seen anyone just be like, I just have a tequila with soda. Like, tequila is a plus one drink for your booze

to get you into... When's tequila... Tequila's like, when it's... When you're playing catch-up with your mates because you need to get pissed, when a date's going

horribly wrong and you want to fucking be boozed up to... Me and my girlfriend had four tequilas on our first date. Yeah, when you... It's like a catalyst, isn't it? If you get an expensive tequila, though, it is a sit-and-sip be boozed up. Me and my girlfriend had forced tequilas on our first date.

It's like a catalyst, isn't it? If you get an expensive tequila though, it is a sit and sip as well. Yeah, you can't have a good one. You can do both. But if you're getting shitty, it's shot. Jose Cuervo is a, let's get this in me as quick as possible, whereas a good expensive tequila is like-

Right, but mainly in this country, tequila is for like, shall we get over pissed mainly generally it's it's for that that's so for me it's just also it's the only drink where i wake up in the morning and i don't have a hangover see it's probably the one that gives me the most hangover if i drink it with soda the whole night i'm i wake up and i'm fine i'm like that with beer i can drink beer all night it It's when I start drinking. You know what I hate about beer? I pee so much.

Yeah. I hate that. Like, I hate, like, I can't just be sitting in one place for two hours. Or, like, if I'm having a beer now, I have to get up at least three times in 30 minutes. I don't like that. With tequila, you're like a half-cut camel

who can just hold it in for ages. You just piss once a fortnight. You're sort camel who can just hold it in for ages. You just pinch once a fortnight. I just keep it in my hump. Yeah. I can't stop thinking about the parody film I want to film, Saving Private Ryan. She's just saving Spike Lee. You've got to get it through.

A load of fellas trying to go, can I have some shit? No! Yeah. She's had a bad night. What was the film? Was it 1917 where they just take it was it was one shot wasn't it following them it was the whole film from the entering late starting

the night through the nightclub just one shot and then you've got to get home as well but you got any change you've got nice shit trying to get a girl from like matthew street through concert square and up bold street on a 2 a.m. on a Sunday morning, Saturday night. He couldn't do it. That would be a two-hour film. Mark Kermode going, was there really a need for a 25-minute taxi rank scene? Have you heard the Kanye song with Mos Def?

Drunken Hot Girls. Yeah. He came to work. Drunken Hot Girls. You know that song, yeah, yeah. It sounds great. It sounds like you did it. Oh, shut up, it's dope. That's literally how he hot girls. You know that song. Yeah, yeah. It sounds great. It sounds like you did it. Oh, shut up.

It's dumb. That's literally how we say it. It's a dumb song. We came too far for this bullshit just to mess with these drunken hot girls. And that's like the hook. And it's great. It describes a night.

It's like, I don't want to talk to your friends. I just want you. You drunken hot girl. So that's... Also for me, it's a night. It's like, I don't want to talk to your friends. I just want you. You drunken hot girl. So that's, also for me, it's also weird, like, I'm,

like, I don't get, like, hammered. So if I'm out, I'm always like, there's a great deal of soberness in me.

So if someone, if I'm like, talking to a girl, most of the time in England, she's fucked out of her mind yeah and i'm like not only do i not i just don't want you in my house like i've got like expensive furniture you're gonna sit on the wrong thing you're gonna break it you're gonna knock bar i don't want to fuck you

in my house get out of my you know what i mean so it's like a weird so you fucked them in the garden and leave them outside none of that You know you're 38 When you're like Listen You are smoking hot But I spent a lot of money On that couch That's how you know

Like you can come back But I'm putting the plastic cover Back on that bitch Women don't like Walking into a room With plastic covers All over your furniture though Because they think

They're about to be a murderer A murdering cycle Right yeah That's a dexter scene That isn't it Yeah Patrick Payton Just so you don't shit And the murderers Are old people a murder a medical cycle right yeah that's a dexter scene that isn't it yeah Patrick Bateman just so you don't

and the murderers are old old people yeah and I was when I was touring Australia um

I met this girl on um on one of the dating apps and then some point we're like we just hit it off and

ruined my house in like three hours which was like a crazy turnaround for me was this so you got to australia you're like i'm gonna download the local dating apps like that was in a way like i think i think the dating apps are pretty oh international okay sorry it's not like australian tinder tinder forest fire oh yeah okay so anyway so I'm not Aussie girls so I say to her right okay I said

so my nerdy self came in and said I said hey this is this is great this is a great evening I'm having a good time I just want to

understand your decision making how did how did how was I able to turn this shit around in three hours

oh you're doing market research for the next time not necessarily for the next time this has gone so well How was I able to turn this shit around in three hours? Oh, you're doing market research for the next time. Not necessarily for the next time. This has gone so well. Could you fill in this questionnaire? Because I'd like to fuck a girl in three hours next time. What a ledge. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you put it like that. That's exactly what it is. Because I was just interested. I was like, this is crazy. And she said, you just didn't seem like you were gonna murder me i said what she's like no safety is girls would she said girls would give it up way quicker if they just felt safe from the beginning that's what i'm gonna start doing when i'm and i was like that's so crazy i'm gonna go up to women in bars and just go just so you know

i'm not gonna murder you well that's what that's not gonna work i haven't even even brought my knives out that's how much of a gentleman i am search me what was your tinder bio when you order um get on this no i can't remember i think it was uk tinder yeah yeah no it was liverpool do you know on tinder you can set a worldwide radius right like you can literally say like i will i will travel the world yeah go on because you've got air miles well right okay like when you download it it asks you how far you willing to go so you like and all the way so i'm sure i've mentioned this before i when i was single i downloaded tinder plus which is like nine pound a month because then you can set your location so what i would do is if i was going to do a weekend of gigs in edinburgh the week before

i would set my location to edinburgh and start matching and talking to girls for a week so that i already had three of them on the hook by the time I got to Edinburgh. Wow. Yeah? Yeah, it's worth nine pounds a month, isn't it? What? Did it work out? Yeah!

My biggest thing was I'm not a texter. Like, I don't like, I hate texting. So what do you do? It's just, like, I'll text someone for two days and then my brain goes, eh. And it's not like I don't like him or do like him. It's just I don't like texting because it just distracts me. Like if I'm texting right now, I have to stop the conversation.

You know what I mean? I'm not like a multi-tasking person. Tinder store in Australia. So I start texting this girl for maybe like three days or whatever, which was my threshold. She made it to day three. Yeah, so it's crazy. So then what happens is I text her,

then she doesn't text for like a while, for like maybe like, I don't know, 10 days. On the 10th day, she texts back. And what she says was, while I was texting you, I was talking to four other dudes. I go, okay, cool, whatever. I mean, that's what happens. And she says that the dude I decided to go on a date with took me to your show as a date.

And when you were 30 minutes into your set, she's like, I made the wrong choice. This is her text. This is her texting me on the thing. And I was like, oh, this is quite crazy. And then she was like, do you want to have coffee? I was like, nah. I mean, I didn't even, I i was just like i don't know why i

didn't but i just was like yeah but that's not as much as it is a compliment to your skills as a comedian that she went on a date now oh it's it's also because i i i had met someone on the app and i was hanging out with them and i was having a good time and i just didn't want like this distraction of another but it's not a compliment from her to you i didn't like she decided she wanted this other guy and then she's put in a situation where he's he's just another guy and you're a comedian and comedians to normal people are superheroes so she sat there with clark kent and superman's on stage so that's what's happened is yeah yeah i chose him over that guy up there that wouldn't be that wouldn't have been an issue to me like it wasn't an issue i just it's it's literally because i'd met someone else on that

and the apps and we were hanging out and i was having a way better time this happened to me without the dating app i had a girl who i noticed at a gig it was when the preston frog was still open she was like very attractive and like you know when you meet see a girl and there's just really characterful and like big smiles and was loving the show and she was next to a guy who i honestly if i try and remember him i just see a beige sort of i just didn't focus she looked fucking great and i remember thinking man she's hot like she's just very smiley and i got a message that night going i was on a first date tonight with this guy who i met i think on an app and i spent the whole night watching you thinking i should be on a date with that guy and uh i was like i'm a narcissist i was like thank you see you yeah i was

into it so we went on a date like the next week um yeah because it's he probably wasn't the worst date ever but because i was single at the time i was like yeah i'm single and so she sat there going well this date's fine but this guy seems fun it's a cheat really isn't it yeah like the stage is a cheat yeah yeah. It's a magic trick. She was bonkers. She was so fun. She was so bonkers. Have you ever like...

She was sexually bonkers to the point where I was like, I'm not sure. I think I might have been out of my depth here. She was the one that I had sex with and we ended up smushed up against her wall and she licked the wall during sex i'm not joking she was like oh and then i and and it honestly during sex like we were doing that you know when you just get in and you've got had a couple of beers in you and you're like oh we're just gonna do it in her

living room oh it's the middle of summer it was a hot night and the wall must have been cold so she was like and i watched it i was wow, we're really jammed up against this wall. And then she went, What were you doing this for? And no, I don't know. She was like this. Enjoy. I was singing Bollywood songs.

And yeah, she licked the wall. And then I tried to tell it on stage a few times after we split up inevitably. And I did such a bad job of it just going and then she licked the wall and i ended up in my edinburgh show because i did a bit about kevin hart and how how kevin hart just and his support acts that when i saw them just sold every bit and i was like that's why it's rubbish being a white lancastrian british comedian if you're a black american comedian that lick the wall bit would be so much better.

And then the bitch licked the wall! To the window! To the wall! I loved it. Yeah, she licked the wall. I've never had that. Shout out. She's not watching.

Shout out. I've never had that. Even like with partners. You've never had a wall lick? No, I don't mean that. I mean, I've never had a wall lick. What I mean is, I've never been sexually intimidated by a woman oh really really i've never had a woman who's said something like we're doing this where i've gone

i don't know about that apart from pegging i was i was asked could she peg me and i was like i just i'm not getting bummed it's not happening you're not bumming me no but other than that like there's never been a woman who's like being like you know

do this and I've been like oh I'm not doing that to you I'll do fucking anything I don't think it's that I don't think it's that like it's just I get anxious

during sex man what during sex like anxious like oh is this gonna go well I do and I'm just

I freak if I'm just I freak if I'm doing it with someone for the first time there's an inside that kicks in that I can't I can't explain I can't

I don't know and then you and then the instinct is to be like are you enjoying this and it's the least sexy thing how are you having a good time no girl wants that level

of consideration they want a bit of wall smush don't they you don't have to ask it they don't ask me how i'm doing make me lick a fucking wall you say do you like that you're dirty bitch they like being asked it forcefully like i think first bong i i think that's a high risk move i think that um these things are not copy and paste. People are very different, so whatever works on one person. What Adam thinks is,

every girl, when you have sex with her for the first time, you should say, do you like that, you dirty bitch? And blanket rule, every woman loves that. Go on. Go on.

Oh, shit. I hope I don't get in trouble for telling this story. The first time I... Oh, that's exactly what's going to happen. Because you haven't told that... No, no, shit. I hope I don't get in trouble for telling this story. The first time I... That's exactly what's going to happen. Because you haven't told that... No, no, no. The reason you haven't told that story is because you know how crazy it is

and you're going to get in trouble. And so when you think about it and say, I hope... Don't give him anxiety. Don't give him your sex anxiety during the story. When you tell the story, what you think is going to happen is exactly what's going to happen.

Go. No, but she's quite sound. So the first time I slept with Sam, I slapped her across the face. With your dick? No. Like with me hand. Were you on top?

Yeah. Because there's a cud as well. What? We were having sex. After four tequilas? Yeahas yeah yeah and we was getting into it yeah and i i i thought you know what let's find out what she's into and my first step on that ladder was i don't like that and i was like all right no worries and we carried on right Right. In the face. No, you didn't.

I believe him. I swear on the grave of Aran. I slapped her across the face and she just went... I don't think you should ever talk about your mum when you're talking about fucking a girl and slapping her on the face. Did you slap her arse first? Probably. Right. What, like you were doing A fucking pat down

At security At an airport Do you like that Do you like your ankle What about your fucking shin What about your thigh What about your fucking feet No

That's too far Slap me tummy But not me feet No you didn't Didn't she slap you back No No she just went I'm not really into that

And it was literally Like a quick like Admin check It was like nah and i was like okay cool and then we can't press charges good she moved in sometimes when women go i'm not really into that they involve the police and it gets complicated yeah but it wasn't me dick being in it that she didn't like it was the slap yeah it was she was like no no not for me. And I was like, do you know what? Fair enough.

We tried something. Didn't work. And the next day, I swear to God. That wouldn't fly in court. I tried this murder thing, your honor. Didn't work out.

I'm just saying, let's move on from here and let bygones be bygones. The next day, she told her mate it was like he slapped me right across the face and her mate went you lucky because her mate's into that so see yeah some of them like us yeah lots of ladies like yeah you can't copy and paste man yeah lads lads if you're watching don't listen to rowing bags

this is not advice this is not are you into getting slapped what are you in no no no it's a masculine no he just likes hitting women no or gives it a try at least what are you into dead leg could you ever be submissive what i'm asking you could ever be submissive? No, in sex, not in life. I think... I'd give it a go, but I'd have to... You can't say on your terms because that's...

No, that's what I mean. It'd be go hard or go home. Oh, right. Don't fucking be like... Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, you know... Could I ask a question?

Would you ever wear a saddle? I've been tied down. Mate, I'm sorry you had to witness this we've done a lot of episodes and i'm learning a lot from this oh is it the first time first day slap get a fucking saddle on me ride me like a little pony that's right oh i'm a naughty pony oh it's the grand national sam come on oh hey next furlong Do you want me to win? Oh, you've got me in a canter. Get me a de Gallop, you dirty bitch. Nay.

That's not no. I am consenting. Like red rum. Nay means nay. I've been tied up. So you have been submissive then? Have you been tied down? No Tied up or tied down?

Tied up Yeah A bit more positive I've been restrained Like a Tom and Jerry villain I've been restrained so that she could suck me off Without me being in it Without you slapping her?

What is going on? Mate, I'm so glad that you have, you've been the catalyst for bringing this out. This is all, hmm. Am I unearthing?

Oh, this is new. I don't know. It's so crazy this is new I don't know it's so crazy like I don't really talk about sex on stage at all I don't know

I'm not comfortable enough I don't know why I don't know why I just don't even and I've got like such funny bits about like not necessarily experience

just like things I think about like when when a person says don't stop I'm like yeah but you know what I mean like when person says, don't stop, I'm like, yeah, but,

you know what I mean? Like, when you just go, don't stop, then you go, I had no intention of that. Why would you, why would you,

why would you say that? Like, I don't. Keep going. Yeah. Yeah. But also like, the, the,

the, the, yeah, shit like keep going. You're like, bitch, I, the, the, yeah, shit like keep going. You're like, bitch, I'm trying to, like you,

I'm trying to pleasure you here. Can you just shut the fuck up and let me, that's why I get anxious. I know what I'm doing. Not necessarily I know what I'm doing, but I'm more like, I'm trying my best over here.

And, and you're the worst cheerleader. Be better, keep going, but do it better. Yeah, that's no, no one needs that. What's, is there a lot of, on the South African comedy scene, you don't do the sex stand up. I, it's a personal thing, I don't do it anywhere. Is there a lot of guys on the, on the circuit in South Africa doing the sex stuff? There's guys who do it.

And they, you know, they talk about those. I don't. I don't know why. Maybe, like, there's a conservative side to me. Which, if you watch me on stage, you'd think that doesn't exist. But I think in some way it does. No, but you give off a very sort of cool, calm, confident persona on stage. You're very in control on stage.

Yeah, but not in life. But maybe that's why. I think, I don't know. I think like I've been doing stand-up so long. How long have you been doing it? I started when I was 17. Wow, 21 years. Yeah, I'm 38 now. So I'm confident on stage,

especially if I've thought of the ideas and the ideas are fully fledged in my mind. I can deliver them like... Yeah, it's 21 years, isn't it? That's what I'll do. Second nature. Well, the joke has to be fully fledged is what I mean. So sometimes I,

like I, there was a time where I used to know what was funny. Because as humans, we know what's funny. Kids know what's funny. They don't know, they know it because they understand how the world functions. It's part of being human,

right? But they don't, the minute you go, that's what I find funny that's the changing point for me so now like i think the twin the only thing i've learned in 20 years is what do i find funny yeah yeah and i can tell that um you want to be the comedian that you would want to say yeah yeah yeah dude there's a joke there's a joke of yours. I almost punched you in the face. It was so good. The one about, yeah, but you can't be that woman.

The Victoria's Secret receive. I was like, that joke is glaring at everyone. And the first person to spot it and to deliver it the way it's supposed to be. Aren't they the best jokes when you're like, oh, I've seen that. I could have had that thought. He has one of those. And he're like, oh, I've seen that. Yeah, yeah. I could have had that thought. He has one of those and he's like, yeah, yeah. I hear you, I support. Do you reckon that's your best joke?

What? Do you reckon that's your best joke you've ever written? Uh, so- Not favourite, I mean like- I just love- Oh, both, both, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just love that joke, man. Yeah, but the slapping women bit

hasn't been done on stage yet. So we, you know- No, stupid. Okay, I'll try that next week let's see with that routine open with it I enjoyed doing it because it was

the first opinionated bit of stand up that I managed to make work in every like on tour shows in clubs I managed

because before that I was a largely a storytelling comic and it was the first time I was like here's what I think and it and got it to storytelling comic and it was the first time I was like, here's what I think and got it to work. But also it's the routine that comedians tell me they like, which is a big thing for me.

I want my peers to think I'm good. So when other comics are like that routine and big promoters are like that bit. I remember Brett Vincent, who books so many comedy shows in his work with some of the biggest comedians in the world i think he's still jim jeffries uk agent today and he's you know he's got some clients in america as well as over here he come up to me in edinburgh and he'd seen me at the store a few months before and he was like you still doing your

victoria's secret thing is that part of your show this year and i was like yeah he was like and someone someone asked him about it he's like oh i've seen him at the store it's just that that was the bit that I felt, oh, maybe I can go into doing more opinionated stuff. What was your first set piece bit where you were like, this is a proper bit of stuff? Because when you started at 17, you're young. Yeah, I'm young.

I think I just did a special. And in my special, I... Specials on Netflix? Yeah, yeah. I did a special on Netflixflix that came out in march now here's the crazy thing about that special is it's a it's like i like i respect storytellers because we all hone stand-up from the clubs and in clubs they don't have time for your stories oh i mean none they don't they don't give a shit they don't give a the best scouse accents anyone has done on this podcast ever

and so and so and so and so so you you you become very punchy yeah you develop a routine and it's punchy it's punchy it's punchy and then when you have an hour you kind of step back and go i know but i want to tell you more things yeah right because if you if you're funny and punchy you can't do it for after 40 minutes audience you can tie you can make an audience laugh so hard that they're like we're tired now can you tell us something you're gonna build you're gonna build it out yeah yeah so i've seen that where you're like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna write a punchy hour and then when you're 45 minutes in they're like yeah yeah we get it you're funny man yeah we need something else now we need and so when you and so for me uh that's when i realized oh no people also find

value in you being interesting on stage so when i started telling them interesting things that I just you know I was telling my I want to tell this on stage but I was telling my agent yesterday when I was born like my mom was telling the story in my my brother's birthday earlier this year and when I was born I was born in 83 and my mom when so when I was when she I was born in 83. And my mom, so when she was pregnant with me, she was like reading up on pregnancy stuff. And quite obviously, she ended up in some like bizarre pregnancy stories, like kids born with three heads and all kinds of things happening. And so on the day of her labor, the doctor felt her tummy and was like, we feel two heads.

Then she's in labor, and she starts freaking the fuck out. And she goes, oh, my God, it's a third head. And then she's like, oh, my God, this is happening to me. But it turns out, this is a crazy story. I was such a tall kid that when I was sitting like this and when you felt my knees, I felt three heads. I love it how that doctor went three heads before he went a head and two big knees.

No, it's because kids weren't that big. Right. I was a big kid. Like I'm 6'5 right now, so you can imagine me. And also, it's 83. I don't really have the technology to decipher these things immediately. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And I was like, if I could turn that bit into a funny thing on stage, I would have accomplished something. Yeah, that's not a weekend pow-pow. That's a tell the story, set the scene, your mom and everything. Yeah, and so if you're creating an audience base, they would appreciate that story from you because they kind of feel... You're right about being interesting.

When we watched your Apollo set, it was great. I have seen comedians talk about Blackpool a lot since I've started stand-up. And I'm like, Matt, literally for me, I don't think anyone's got a talk about blackpool a lot since i've started stand up and i'm like matt you literally for me i don't think anyone's got a bit about blackpool that i haven't seen some variation of i don't even but you you as a south african comedian talking about being a black guy in a hotel room with a white cleaner like that is both funny and interesting isn't it because your perspective is completely new yeah to this

country it was the i i absolutely love that bit it's fucking great what i hate it's so crazy okay so i when i did that apollo set i i realized that i talk about being south african a lot which is fine because that's my perspective but then it creates a situation where you're like you're still an outsider right and and so it doesn't matter and it's it's not race-based you're an outsider even if i talk to british black acts i'm still outside of the main culture of black britain right so i'll always be an outsider and so now i go i go in my mind i go i can headline anywhere in in britain if you you can put me behind any act i don't think i i would ship myself i'd be able to like i can handle it right so then i go how do i how do i get out of this outsider-ness? How do you become... Yeah, how do I become like...

And it's not a matter of inclusion per se. It's about like... So the way you... So what you're observing is very clear and obvious that my perspective is different. And to turn that perspective into something funny is something i still have to do but how do i then turn myself from turn this south african view

to just being generally funny and not going but in south africa we be we yeah i know what you mean yeah so so for me if you i'm i'm taping a live at the apollo again and i don't know if i'm supposed to talk about but i don't think it matters but the whole routine doesn't talk about that the routine is about just general stuff and just so consciously it's very conscious because then and then if you if because the hope is that if people watch you and out of the whole routine i talk about race and my and my being as a south african very in a tiny way like in a very small way it's not a big part of the thing yeah hopefully the audience will not other me yeah i think if we went over to south africa and started gigging the first round of sets that we did would be a lot of like hey we're from england and i'll tell you what's different over here like and then

when you adapt you change and like yeah you grow out of it. I understand what you're saying, and what you're saying is correct. But I'm saying that you, I'm dope. You don't need to be South African dope. I don't need to be that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I keep doing that, then people go, ah, that other guy. You don't want to be the guy who gives the South African perspective on Britain. You want to be the guy who just gives a perspective on Britain.

Yeah. You want to be the... Here's not something a South African has noticed. Here's something we've all noticed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so my perspective is definitely different because I'm South African, but I just don't like being othered.

I don't like being othered. I don't like being othered by motherfuckers who are not funnier than me. Do you know, there's so many knobheads that look like me on the UK circuit.

I'd love to be othered. I would love to be a minority of these fucking people. I'm like, my perspective is different, but don't other me because, you know.

How would we do in South Africa if we came over to do some gigs? What's the scene like? I'm fascinated by, like. You gotta go, man. I mean, you do some gigs? What's the scene like? I'm fascinated by... You got to go, man. I mean, you got to go there. There's a scene. It's just...

Clubs in Cape Town, clubs in Johannesburg. It's Cape Town Comedy Club and there's parkers. There's parkers. Parkers is all shut down, all of them. Oh, really? Will they come back? I don't know. Oh, God.

I have no idea. There's clubs, man. I mean, listen. New York and London. America and the UK, but New York and London specifically, are the places to do stand-up. It doesn't matter. So if you're asking how's comedy in South Africa, you're as good as asking how's comedy in Hong Kong.

Yeah, it's a much smaller scene. Yeah, it's a much smaller scene. Yeah, but we live in Runcorn. We work in Runcorn, so we're used to a smaller scene. Yeah, but you have access to London. You can be in London in two hours. And we also have, you know, there's a gig that you can find within an hour every night of the week of course we are blessed around here it's the it is a great hot water in liverpool is at the minute

it's open wednesday through sunday it's normally open seven days a week and to have that as a home club is massive like liverpool and the northwest in general is becoming a second london and i've said before i actually think eventually comedy will slowly move out of london towards the north of england because it's a lot cheaper to live there and comedians generally don't earn a good living until they're in a great one um you can do it without flying as well you can get around the country can't you yeah it's it's the difference between like being a road comic over here and a road comic in america a road company somebody goes on the road in america is away for six months yeah you i can get back from any tour show i ever do in the uk yeah i drive and that night yeah a can

of red bull and a full tank of petrol dude i tell english people every time they ask me what's so great about england and they want to hear culture i'm like it's the transport infrastructure what i swear to god i think we've got good transport? You just said you can go on the road and come back the same night. Do you think you can do that anywhere? That's only in a car. Nah, you could do it. If I'm in London, I can go do shows in Birmingham and come back same night,

sleep at my house every night. That transport infrastructure is not available anywhere in the world. Yeah, but like... You're talking from a person... I'm telling you, bro. I am absolutely telling you. I've got transport privilege. That's what it is.

I'm not aware of my transport privilege. Bro, I was in London just now. I'm like, I had to travel for three hours and I'm here and I'll be home by tonight. That's a very rare thing generally in the world. So South Africa, it's not, there's just nothing. This is not even specific to South Africa. This is a general thing.

Trust me when I say this. It's not that simple to get around and around the world. You're asking British people to say that the roads are good. They almost can't. They're asking British people to say that the roads are good. They almost can't do that. The M6? So you've not been on the M6. It's a fucking nightmare. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm talking about the general infrastructure. It's fantastic. I can go watch a football game across town and be home. It's the easiest thing.

You can do it pissed as well. Tequila and soda on the tube. This guy's clasher. I do like what you're saying about others, like being other than stuff. It's on a much smaller scale, but I remember a couple of years into doing stand-up, I went down to commedia in brighton

and i did my set and i smashed it during the open spot just squatted it for 10 minutes and i come off and steven grant who's the resident compad and like books the club he was on and uh i said do you mind if i ask you for some feedback and whatever and he went yeah he said you know you've just had a good set he said said, but you're being a Scouse comedian rather than a comedian. You're a Liverpool comic. And you're doing Scouse-isms and you're not really doing anything

or saying anything that every other Scouse comedian who's come here down the years has said. He said, I couldn't put you on the same bill as Chris Cairns. Because it's the same sort of thing. You're not saying the same jokes, but you've both got a scouse perspective on what it's like to be a person.

And he went, if you want to develop, stop doing that. And from my next gig onwards, I stopped going, Adam, I'm from Liverpool. I don't mention it. If someone goes, oh, he's a scouser, then I'll do a little thing for 20 seconds if I need to. But for a few years when I started out, the first five minutes was, I'm from

Liverpool. Here's why that's a thing. I used to say Northern all the time. Northern, Northern, Northern. I'm from the North of England. And the problem is, if there's another guy who's trading on that, and it is a bit hack, yeah, you've become a typecast, haven't you? Rather than just being yourself. Same if you're a disabled act and you just do jokes about disability. Or you're Asian and it is a bit hack yeah you've become a typecast haven't you rather than just being yourself same if you're a disabled act and you just do jokes about disability or you're asian

and it's all about or a fat guy who's just doing fat jokes where is the actual observation where's your storytelling that goes beyond the first read of who you are it's more interesting when you get into the nuts and bolts of what you're into. And like you said, what you actually think is funny rather than playing to that character. Yeah, yeah. So now I'm getting out of there. But I also just, I just, there was a, I did some shows with a British actor

and I was at home and I was killing, you know? And then he says, oh, it's good to have home ground advantage, huh? And I looked at him, I said, you couldn't follow me on Instagram. Oh, my God. Like, I was just like, what are you talking about? You know you never quit.

He said this to you face to face? Nah, because it's because in his mind he othered me. He forgot about the sheer dexterity of what I'm doing. He othered me. I was like, bro bro i can go to singapore and you couldn't follow me i use singapore a lot as a reference it's just the first country that pops out in my mind but i'm just saying it you know and and actually the first one you used before was hong kong but it's easy to get them confused you're moving around

asia yeah i think my next one is Taiwan the international gigs the international gigs really find out your references don't they when you're abroad you're like oh wow

these are a bit local like if you're used to doing your set internationally you get rid of all those things yeah but for me what I find

about Britain as well is that people like like to keep you in your place yeah oh that felt uncomfortable that just for a second there didn't it when you're over here I like to keep you in your place? Yeah. Oh, that felt uncomfortable, that, just for a second there, didn't it? When you're up here, I like to be kept... I really, that's not...

I don't feel that's a good thing for us. Like in America, acts are like, yo, I'm dope, I'm good, I'm this and... Here, you kind of have to wait your turn and you're like, nah, man. Oh, okay, no, I know you mean, yeah. So there's like this weird thing of like, we got to be grateful and you're like, nah. I've had this for, so I've been doing stand-up 11 years. I'm 29. And I've had that, we've spoke about it on this podcast before.

So when I started, I've got insecurities like everyone else has. But I've always been, when I started stand-up, although I look back at the material now and think it was shit, I started well. And it was something I knew I wanted to do and I felt like I was good at and I've gradually sort of got better and whatever. But I've always been there.

I'm doing this. I'm good at it. Come and see me. Right. And the amount of bitching behind my back and in front of my face as well, where it's like, you like to shout about your talents,

you like to shout about this. And it's all been meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, from people who at the time were slightly ahead of me. And now those same people, because they've seen the fruits of that labor, are now asking for advice on how to do it. Because it's so weird. Comedians, there's an old Johnny Vegas quote,

which is, just by getting on stage, the statement you're making is, I am so funny, you should pay to listen to me. Right. Just by picking the mic up before you've said a word, that's your statement. And despite that, especially in Britain, and I think this is what you were talking about,

is this idea that you should shrink. Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Rather than being like, no, I'm fucking good. The first time I was like, oh, I fuck with Adam. Me, you and Kay went, we did this top secret and we went around the corner

to the Hoxton and we sat there for like three hours just laughing and we were all on the same page of like, we don't have to wait for these motherfuckers.

No. We just have to keep going and that, you know, we kind of went out different ways and I think I never like, everyone was like, no, let's just keep going.

Whatever we're doing, let's keep going. So all of us are kind of like gradually doing better. Do you think there's a sense that over here, you came over here and it was like, you just not served your time or something? Yeah, but we're not in medicine. I don't have to fucking do 40 years before. Oh, I totally agree.

Yeah. I'm almost sad that you came over here and felt because i know that's existed but i thought i i'm just sad that the someone started gigging over here and still feels that because i thought that changed a little bit like no but i think sort of what he's getting at is if you look at like andrew schultz andrew schultz is i'm fucking great my fans are the best i'm really funny. Let's fucking go. And there's a lot more of that in America,

where it's like, no, I'm fucking good. I'm good. Yeah. And that's accepted over there. And over here, it's sort of sneer that. Like, Luis was sat there going, I'm dope. I'm fucking good at this thing. I can fucking do this job.

That's what I can do. Adam's getting me fired up and that's okay for him and in america but over here if you do that like i have always done and like kk does yo kk does it as well yeah like people look at you like ugh why are you confident in yourself surely they don't anymore no they do really yeah you're not hearing it anymore because you sit there with me no no no there's a general concern but you gotta the the cool thing about when you say you gotta be able to back it up all the time and if you can back it up all so i don't know what it means in the long term but i'm saying that i don't like shrinking myself i don't i don't like i don't like i don't like playing it down and being like,

oh no, I'll try. I'm like, yeah, you couldn't follow me. I don't care. Tell all the stories about your nan, you're not gonna follow me. I'm sick. I love it that you've worked out that that's the hacky bit.

I love it. Yeah, it's just like, I don't give a shit about your nan. I don't, these kids don't care about it and and and yeah i don't like i i approach it with such an aggression that it's really uncomfortable it's really uncomfortable for like a a lot of people like if we're sharing a stage because what we do is pretend like we're not competing. Yeah. And I look at you, I go. Do you know what's happening right now?

I want to do a gig where I've got to follow him. I'm sat here going, come on. I want a situation where I'm like, I go on stage and I'm so scared to go on. Have you ever heard Chris Rock talk about Martin Lawrence becoming his opening act? And he said he was chilling, just hanging back. And then he jumped up because he heard a commotion. He thought there was a fight and people were going crazy in the crowd.

And then when he looked, Martin Lawrence was making them laugh so hard. And it was his opening act. And he was like, I got to go go home I know I'm on tour and whatever but I gotta go home and write and so you gotta feel like that all the time you gotta feel like I can't follow that guy I gotta get better I gotta get better but this shit of like ah

you know he's like bro no one gives a fuck about your nan bro what if she's northern my northern He's like, bro, no one gives a fuck about your nan, bro. What if she's Northern? My Northern nan. I've written at least three bits about my Northern nan. I feel like Lou Yusso's research for this was watching Christopher Maloney's X Factor video.

Oh my God, man. I'm serious, I mean that. You've come to Runcorn and you're doing like that. So many acts are doing exactly what you say. I'm much better. I'm much better on a better bill because you have to up your game. I'll perform more. I'll ad lib more.

I'll tag more. I'll put more energy into it. Like I'm competitive. So if I've got to follow you i'm better following you than i am following someone's shit yeah i'm following someone's shit i'm like i just put this in third gear and i can just chill cool yeah i can fuck around a bit of chris rock yeah if i need someone to like last year at hot water when you did the middle he did them have you you haven't seen dan yet you haven't worked together he's frightened this great bit about my nan i open and close with it that's you know that's my start

so 20 minute bit you know the crazy thing is i i get like a bunch of opportunities and i just go that's not stand-upup. I'm obsessed with stand-up. I'm obsessed with turning things into jokes. Yeah. And so, like, I go, I always look at an act. There's two ways why I'm like, this guy's not going to be ever funnier than me. Right? If he does something and it's really successful,

I go, you'll be big but you're not going to do stand-up better. That's what gets into my mind and when an act has a baby, I'm like,

oh, he's done. He's gone too. My career. I've literally been bitching about it in the first half. Gone too soon, my career.'ve literally been bitching about it in the first half gone too soon my career

I'm telling you because I'm like this I got home yesterday at like 1 1pm

and I go because I was doing shows and I go if you even want an inkling of like being able to tell jokes you gotta do it obsessively for a very long time and if you have kids that's not the situation

and if you're dating someone they're gonna understand that and if you have let's say you're uncomfortable again and if you are like a if you're like a really successful thing that if it's if it's it's really international nationally successful it requires your time and i don't have any of those things and my brain just goes i need to if i'm in a bus my brain's going how do I turn I have this bit which I might do at the Live With Your Poe

but it's like there's a dude with a German shepherd at the door of the bus I'm freaked out at German shepherds how do I turn this funny

so I can sit for an hour and think about how do I turn that funny do you understand what I mean because I've got

the hour to do it feed a baby Or write for the Or write for this week's panel show Oh yeah Or whatever the case is Or watch Peppa Pig Or have an anxiety attack

Yeah yeah yeah I know what you mean So So that's my You know that's my That's my take on these things There's no There's very few acts

Who have a successful thing and still are killer on stage i'm not talking about funny i'm talking about killer where you're like this guy is killer and the last guy to do it was louis ck and probably chappelle but chappelle yeah patrice chappelle patrice was killer but he didn't have a killer thing. He didn't have a show. Yeah. I mean, he guessed it on opening. Yeah, two things.

To do both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant the last people to properly kill. A person will go, I've got this thing. This is one of the biggest things in the world. And I am fire with stand-up comedy. It's impossible. That's what he's trying to do with this.

No, but how much of your time does this take? Enough. But it doesn't take any prep. Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky I turn up and do, you know. I'm watching Peppa Pig and crying. I'm doing the prep. I'm writing nan jokes.

Break time? Yeah, we need a break. Love that. Let's have a little word from the money cunts. What's happening, guys? Are you on board the CBD oil train? Yes. Whether you are or you aren't,

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Right. Some have a words. We did a chunk there, didn't we? We did. But a good chunk. Enjoyed it. Have a word with Edmund Bale. Mr. Gola.

We are our title feature. People write in and ask us to have a word with their friends. Okay. Sorry, I thought you were explaining. Just enjoying it. I'm just enjoying it. You're just vibing? Just vibing.

Because you can't hear the music. Oh, yeah. He's not dancing to what you're saying. Are we doing it? I'm getting emotional. I'm so proud of what we've achieved, guys. Thank you for being here. Right.

Eyelids, please have a word with people slagging off James Corden every time he's casting a film or does something new it pisses me off no end that the Twitter bandwagon get jumped on

every time he's announced as being in something why can't people just be straight up and admit that they're just jealous of the fact he's done what he needed

to do to break America boils my piss how unoriginal it is to slag him off when he's so clearly just doing everything to be successful as a mainstream semi-family friendly US TV host nice one so

there's also the layer of he's got a reputation just recently of being a bit of a knobhead yeah but it was a few years ago I started getting wound up by James Corden, and it's really, that momentum has grown. We don't mention him a lot, but he's a massive story in terms of, he came from Gavin and Stacey, and now he's on one of the biggest American TV shows. Well, I used to be like this guy who's written in.

I didn't get it. I didn't get why he upset so many people I was like I don't really understand it Gavin and Stacey's brilliant like the sketches he did for like Sport Relief where he was the coach of the England team and with Paula Radcliffe in the speech was funny why does everyone hate him

and I sort of asked that question online I did it on like Twitter or Facebook or somewhere and I just got sent a few things and as soon as a few of them I sort of asked that question online. I did it on like Twitter or Facebook or somewhere. And I just got sent a few things. And as soon as a few of them add up, and the big thing apparently, which is, you know, this is all allegedly,

is that there's allegations of him being a bit of an Ellen. Like really smiling. A lesbian. I miss that. He's a lesbian, yeah. There's rumors he is a male lesbian yeah not popular um which is fine you know he can be whatever he wants to be yeah um you can't identify as a lesbian if you're a man though can you you can okay i generally i generally don't care if people

are nice or not i don't think that's like if they do you care if they're lesbians um i'm giving shit that's good i'm glad you deflected that one i was being a nobby but i'm gonna give a shit it's like alex ferguson was a lesbian sorry he had the haircut but alex ferguson was one of those people you know if you like really but yeah you know he he was able to you know change the whole trajectory of a club. But he wasn't pretending to be a nice guy. Why is it a difference if he's pretending or not? The action is one.

It's one action. No, but I think presenting yourself as one way when you're not that at all. I don't. It's cynical because he's pretending to be a nice guy. This is all allegedly. He's pretending to be a good guy. And I'm Mr. Nice Guy.

Like me. Yes. And in reality, he's a gobshite. A twat. Horrible to his staff. Awful to people who he deems to be below him. I think if you're going to, like, own it. Say it with your chest and be you.

If you're Alex Ferguson, look, I'm one of the greatest managers of all time, arguably. So I command this respect, and I don't have to be a nice guy because I'm Alex Ferguson, and I'm a great manager. James Corden isn't going, I'm a twat, still watch my show. He's pretending to be the everyman to get fans. Yeah, but I don't,'t okay that could be the case but

i don't think the average human being who's saying james corden isn't is whatever he is has had that experience with him no that's true they're jumping on how they're jumping on a bandwagon yeah so how you know that it's because he's in everything it's in every he's always in your face he's in everything he's one of the voices in Trolls and then he pops in something else he's on honestly my daughter

watches a lot of like the films that come up the Hollywood animated films and you're like in your head you're like oh it's not is it oh it's fucking James Corden

playing a fucking panda or something just say no to one script you greedy fuck and then when you get annoyed with him like this guy

he's obviously reacting to the people getting pissed off when the rum rumors of him being a dick start coming around then it's easy to be like oh he's a cunt no just being over subscribed and then some rumors is enough is it not sometimes it's just you caught up in a narrative and that's it. It's not necessarily a connection between your behavior and... But it is in Ellen's case. Because Ellen was, she was like daytime. She's almost the new Oprah, isn't she? She's that mainstream, tens of millions of viewers.

It doesn't work. She's got kids coming on. Oh, there's a kid that went viral. There's a kid went viral with a song and we got her on and here she is with the dad and then if it turns out she's a bully behind the scenes people don't like that hypocrisy do they yeah i mean i okay i get why people don't like it i myself don't care i'm just like whatever i think things can exist in compartments and things can exist um you could be a smiley person.

You could be a rapper who talks about shooting people and you don't really shoot people. It doesn't matter. Like, I don't care as long as I like what you do. You know, I think what human beings have to understand is that some of these things don't have to coexist. I'll give you an example. Like, Louis, his scandal comes out,

and his scandal's bad, and he's... But think of, like, the woke culture, right? Have you ever watched Louis' show? Yeah. On Louis' show, he has a black woman as his wife. Now, this is before we start talking about inclusion,

talking about, he has a, in an interview they're asking, why do you have a black wife and two blue eyed kids? And he said, when I auditioned people, she was literally the best person for the gig. And I just put,

it's the most bizarre thing when you watch it. It's my wife, it's the two bizarre thing when you watch it it's my wife yeah yeah they look adopted now yeah so once you start saying people are bad or good you miss the nuance yeah so we have to go yeah yeah people are going to be good yeah people are going to be bad yeah people but there's a it's complicated it's not it's not it's it's it's it's not black and white people can be bad i'm sure if you looked up jesus's instagram or browser history you'd be like let me just get it up well i only have 12 followers i started writing a routine that i haven't quite got around to trying on stage yet

so i was walking through a park in liverpool right and i've told you this story haven't quite got round to trying on stage yet. So I was walking through a park in Liverpool, right? And I've told you this story, haven't I? I love how many jokes get trampled on. It's so funny. I just trampled on one of yours. You just trampled on one of mine. That was beautifully 1-0. Go on, sorry.

I was walking through a park. It's a draw. Yeah, yeah. It's a draw. I was walking through the park in Liverpool, and there was a guy, you know, with a Bible, shouting Bible verses. And these two lads walked past him,

and they shouted at the guy with the Bible, Jesus used prostitutes. And the idea I'm trying to turn into a routine is, these have found a way to cancel Jesus in their own reality. Yeah. The son of God is fallible. The son of God has got a flaw.

The son of God did something wrong. And therefore, I'm not listening to what any of the good he did. I don't care if he fed all those people. I don't care if he healed the dying or whatever. He useditutes so for me fuck you fuck your book i'm carrying on through the park and where does the line get drawn there and he didn't recycle probably disgusting he's using prostitutes a bad thing what that's another conversation isn't't it? Yeah. But I'm just saying, I'm saying, so what I'm saying is, your wokers, your friend,

your wokers, wokers, wokers TV executive would find that absurd, an absurd thing to do. The person went, Louie went against the narrative of his whole show. Just had a black wife, two white kids, blonde eye, blue,

I mean, blonde, blue eyed. And we just had to deal with it yeah and that is pretty much probably the wokest thing that you've seen on tv yeah groundbreaking in a way but he's also into weird shit that you know what i mean whatever whatever the whatever the situation is so human beings are complicated and i'm not condoning i'm just saying let's observe the complexities of humans as opposed to these people are bad and these people are good

but the hypocrisy will if you're a family man and you make money from being the family man when it turns out you've been banging a stripper people don't like it do they you could still be a great family man and you could have been lovely to the girl you met in a nightclub or whatever but it's the lie it's the hypocrisy of like hey i'm a family guy i'm on instagram and we've done adverts and you know as soon as people find the

lie in the hypocrisy that makes people but i think i actually think you sort of agree with each other and it's just it's the way we're talking about it so that family guy if you present if you present your image as i love my wife i love me kids this is who i am and you know we're the joneses and like this is who i am and i'm that good guy if you're banging strippers this was all nonsense this is all not true not necessarily okay i'll give you an example i'm talking um i'm having a conversation with mom, and she's telling me about the new Miss South Africa. This beautiful woman, she's amazing. And then she says, she says, humble as our previous Miss South Africa.

And then I went, humble people never enter Miss South Africa. Human beings don't compute the things. I'm like, no humble person wants to walk into a room with a, what's this thing called? A sash and a crown. If they come across as humble, it's projected. You can't be a loving husband and be banging all these strippers,

is what I'm saying. You can. No, you can't. You can. No, you can't. Well, husband and be banging all these strippers you can no you can't you can no you can't people don't like it you can you could probably be a loving husband but people don't like the lie

I'm saying that but the people are being disingenuous to themselves because they are they are on the spectrum of those kind of behaviour as well yeah

strippers are great you know what I mean it's like they they humans are complicated man humans are complicated like

people like get their knob sucked it doesn't matter who the fuck you know it doesn't it's you will never work

for a tabloid newspaper will you sir if tabloid journalism was like listen I know he's been caught banging hookers but hey

he'd had a drink and you know humans are complicated but people like the black and white even though it is bullshit because life there's a lot of grey in life

but the the point of if you're on Ellen if you're doing as much as James Corden's doing if you're as visible as Louis CK it gets very black and white

doesn't it people make those snap decisions and you're right there's so much going on. You can be good in so many ways. Some people are like... But you get judged by your low, don't you? You can do so much that's good,

but you get judged by that one bad thing. Yeah, but remember, some people will never experience the amount of power Ellen has. And so they would never even be able to understand what it means to have that kind of power and that kind of authority on people. And so they, in their minds, they're like, oh, never do never do that you're like you've never even have a tenth of that yeah yeah

that's a good point as well that's who um there's a i think it's on monster i think it's an old dylan moran routine and it's brilliant he's my my one of my favorite comics ever. And that special monster is, for me, top five of all time. And the routine in it is about whenever a politician gets caught with a big mountain of cocaine and three hookers in a hotel room. And he's like, and people go, oh, no, I'd never do that. I've never had the chance, but I would never do that. Very true. I've never had the chance but I would never do that very true it's hard to it's hard to judge people

for taking opportunities that you're never going to get given I suppose is the point we all like to think it's what I've seen somewhat like a TikTok about this guy there was this

or like an Instagram reel or something or a longer one these people were talking about the left and the right and how you know the the left are like uh well you know on paper socialism and communism they're the right thing to do because we should all share and then everyone's got everything they're like yeah but the problem with that is no one's ever in any time when communism or socialism has been put in place the person who's put in charge of it has never ever ever behaved well the power power absolute power corrupts absolutely and they always

go maniacal and they're like oh they're not doing it kill them because they're not conforming to the shared everything thing yeah and he's like and the idea is that oh well i wouldn't do that and it's like you would you just haven't had the opportunity to do it yeah and that's why it doesn't work and most people don't not do bad things because they're not

they're good people it's because they probably have a low risk threshold yeah right some people are not they don't care about getting caught

they're just like oh we're gonna you know I mean and some people are like yeah I don't I don't want to get caught. I'm fine.

I don't, you know. Yeah. So, yeah, these things are complicated. But I never go, these are good people, these are bad people. I just go, let's hear the whole story. I think some of it is jealousy. Does it come down to James? There's a bit of jealousy from within the industry

that James Corden's done so well. I'm not saying, like, he's gone over and done what so many UK comedians or actors or whatever he is, he fucking does everything. He's done brilliantly. Is there a bit of that? Yeah, maybe. But it's not just comedians who hate him,

it's the average man on Twitter. Yeah, but the average man hates Russell Kane. Like, I've spoke to... Russell Kane? I've spoke to russell about that because he's sort of very animated on stage and he's certainly when he got on tv the first time he had like uh the young hipster boy haircut with the tank tops and stuff like the the working class man in the uk was like oh he's that twat off the telly who's always fucking running around. It's so crazy. The class system plays a big part of people's lives, even like now.

Like, for instance, like, I live in like Hackney side. And so if I invite like a friend and I say, hey, let's meet up. And be like, yo, where are you? Let's find a place. And I find like a fancy place. Or I go, oh, let's go to Soul House. Or let's go to, oh, this is fancy. Posh. Yeah, or posh or whatever upon investigation like oh this is a

working-class person and so it's like so if you if you allow the working-class person to choose a place to me it'll be a pub yeah all the time so so in so in Britain a big part of how society stays in check is everyone stays in their grid do you know what i mean yeah like people even if people have made it they go no i'm in a pub for a point and you're like bro you're a millionaire calm the fuck down you're doing well just do all the shit you really want to do don't have to fucking conform you know let's go somewhere we can check our coats in yeah those places yeah yeah where i come from it's like people aspire to shit because masses of black people have not had opportunity for a long time see we just aspire to be able to

stay in the pub longer i'd like to be the richest guy in the pub not the richest guy in the pub, not the poorest guy in the billionaire's club. Fuck that. I want to be the richest motherfucker in my local, not the poorest knobhead in the Tory party. Dude, I promise you, it happens all the time. Oh, they just think, you're like, bro, it's a place that makes sandwiches with cheese. Why is this fancy? Calm down.

It is fancy. I know it is fancy but it's not you're talking to the people who would react like this yeah but it's not tangibly fancy it's not out of reach is it mate can i clear i'm telling you right now i bet you those sandwiches are also on seeded bread. It's not War Buttons, is it? No. It was freshly cut that day. Tory bread. They brought that bread uncut and cut it themselves. Fuck that.

Cut it three weeks before you ship it, put it in a brown bag, and I'll buy it two days before its sell-by date when it's reduced. And that's with millions in the bank. Yeah, I mean, I think... You lying bastard. I still buy Warbons. You're not a millionaire. I will be.

You won't be buying Warbons. What are you going to do if you make a million? Millions. You get to the point where you're millions. What are you going to be? Is that you done with South Africa? You're going to... Nah, the first thing I will do

is that I won't have the internet on my phone. Really? Yeah. I have an that has right nothing on it will you just pay someone to check it for you no i just won't i just won't be on the internet all the time adam does that ring true with you like i think like if you want to buy parts of the internet my millions have you Have you been a rowey, Graham? It's just pictures of Adam's face. You want to enjoy what you've got, not waste it on the internet, you mean? Nah, I just don't like being on the internet all the time. But you need to be now.

Huh? But you need to be. I kind of need to be now. And I think once I'm done, I don't care if Kanye's beefing with Drake. If I find out, oh, that's nice. What side do you fall on, on the Kanye-Drake? I actually didn't listen.

I haven't heard either albums. In the same week, Little Sims dropped an album, which I think is better than anything I've heard this year. And then I also think, I don't know if you guys know West Side Gun from Griselda. Anyway, he dropped a tape this week, and so I've just been listening to those. I thought I was going to get to the Drake and Kanye, but West Side Gun and Little Sims have me occupied for maybe another two weeks.

And maybe I'll get around to Kanye. The thing about Drake and Kanye songs, you will hear them eventually. You know what I mean? It's not like you've got to run and get them. So I'd rather spend my division of a penny with Little Sims. Just before you delete all your social medias, where can we find you? Where it feels like a good opportunity to let more knowledge in.

I'm mostly on twitter and twitter and instagram uh instagram yeah i i utilize instagram a lot and twitter a lot and it's just my name at my name l-o-y-i-s-o-g-o-l-a on both lovely i'm thinking of getting a tiktok and getting tikt getting TikTok but then I'm like do I though you're not going to be doing the TikTok dances if you ever see me do that please shank me in the neck

boom boom boom boom boom boom fucking idiot I love that one I think it's great On the screen Tickets available

At lisogola.com And you're just Oh god I don't mind dancing on screen But not for shitty songs Yeah I'll dance to like a good Whitney Houston song

Or some shit I can't wait to see you To start some TikTok trends I wanna dance To somebody No one's going to follow my trends. I'll just be the only one

dancing to that one song. I don't know about that, you know. Well, we'll definitely share them. Shall we call that a pod? I think so. That's a pod.

I've had a lot of fun. Thanks for coming in, man. We really appreciate it. For those who don't know, a few things. The live show is now already on patreon.com slash have a word pod. There's been a merch restock. A lot of yous wanted just the logo on the tees and hoodies.

That's at haveawordpod.com. And if you go to adambrow.co.uk forward slash shows, there's about 20 tickets left at the time of recording for the live show we're doing in London this week, Sunday the 19th of September. Where's the show? It's at the Underbelly. Underbelly, where's that?

In Oxford Circus this year. I'm going to come check it out. Yeah, come down, man. Absolutely. Great to see you. Sunday the 19th of September. There's about 20 tickets left. We're going somewhere posh afterwards.

Yeah. Just cheese on toast. I. There's about 20 tickets left. We're going somewhere posh afterwards. Yeah. There's cheese on toast. I don't think they'll allow you. I'll bring my nan. I'll have to go

with you. I'll have to get us in. And Dan, are you going on tour next year? I am going on tour next year.

2022. Tickets are going phenomenally fast. Thanks to everyone who's bought tickets. Manchester, Shrewsbury and Liverpool are doing bare numbers, mate. I went to Shrewsbury.

I was like, what the fuck is going on here? It's like a bizarre place. Yeah, because you're the first black man to ever visit. That'd be a major thing. Yo, it was the craziest thing. I was like, yo. I felt like I was in Finland or some shit. It's an old fucking town isn't it it's a great

town i go to shrewsbury i'm an ethnic minority tickets at dan nightingale.com it's been an absolute pleasure to meet you uh go and check out lo yiso on netflix all over social media i got my website's got all the shit you need to check out my specials on my website my Netflix special and my tour dates loisogola.com there you go

that's where to go thanks very much for tuning in Les Bopra could you say go Ed huh could you say

go Ed go Ed