Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #138 with Mark Nelson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 20, 2021

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Massive week for this podcast. It's huge. Can't start without talking about it. 6, thousand patrons absolutely so thanks to every one of those fucking good eggs this is how mental this podcast is i we hit six thousand patrons i think we might be the biggest uk comedy uh patron there was one that was up there, but they've hidden their figures. So it's hard to know. Socially distant sports bar. Who we love.

We're mates with them. Mike's coming on very soon. But I think they've hidden their figure on patron, which feels like admitting defeat. It's less. This is how mental this podcast is. I hit 6,000 I was like

yeah it's what we do mate yeah it wasn't when we hit 5 I got fucking hammered with my neighbour on gin and tonic

I was like I just think it's important it's a milestone now I'm like yeah it's not 10 yet Paul Blair and Paul Smith text me

and said you gotta be happy with that lad and I was like I'll be happy when Tim Dillon is jealous of us go and google Tim Dillon's patreon get us there please oh my day he's got like 30 000

and he earns about 140 000 a month yeah and he has a it's just him monologuing with his producer ben i would love to know what the percentages are because ben's a big part of that i think it might be 80 20 and i bet it's no more than eight like 20 for the producer so i think he's on eight dollars an hour right okay yeah that would seem uh slightly mean wouldn't it uh all if you keep working hard we'll up yours to that one day i'd love eight dollars an hour really can you imagine if we paid you in dollars if we paid you in dollars and made you go and change it let's just pay us in fucking sterling lad I'm happy with what I've got

thank you obviously other massive things going on this week I've got new glasses so that's massive and I didn't know if you'd notice are they Ray-Bans? they are they're beautiful

Ray-Dans nice Gay-Dans nice you know which other podcast you need to be on and um I got a new Interval answer yeah

beautiful Ronaldo on the back but pretty do you know how big it is getting new lenses? It's new glasses. It's kind of big. Yeah. And I had this little moment when I literally left the house today. I went, Laura, do you think Adam and Carl will notice? She's like, are you okay, babe?

I was like, I don't know. I'm just like, I hope they notice. So is this your version of getting your hair done? Do you know my- 100%. You're so fucking right. Do you know how annoyingly right that is? I've had the same specs for 10 years

and I bought a second pair and I've... One broke, so I sent it back to the opticians in London and they remade it and they've stopped doing that range so i got in contact and they were like it's out of we don't make that anymore we can do like a version of it we can redo it for you but it's 600 quid and i don't give a fuck if we've got 6 000 patrons i have got small kids i can't have 600 pound glasses on my face because if they if i just take them off stupidly and then you've got babies and they love going hello i've done there's so many problems in your life that would be solved with the cage for the kids yeah definitely i mean i have 10 grand glasses then you keep going back

to the cage have kids stick them in a fucking cage and uh don't tell anyone because it's frowned upon rubber glasses uh so yeah i knew but obviously pretty big gigs this week. What have you done this week? On Wednesday, I was in Royton. Fuck off. For Colin Manford. On Wednesday?

Good. Wednesday night, I was driving to Royton, not Oldham Town Centre, a town just next to Oldham, basically a suburb of Oldham. Big, big, big one. Thanks, Carl.

Do you know, I wanted to take a lot of my people with me because obviously there's a big moment yeah yeah gigging for i did my first ever gig for the comedy store on tuesday i was that actually good i supported john bishop on thursday but that pales in because wednesday was just so big for me right and right and there's a i've got some news not for some no no no no no wait hang on guys no i'm gonna i've worked so hard for this, Adam. I'm going to run a half triathlon. I've worked so hard for Reuton.

No, you're not shitting on my Reuton. I gig for the not good Manford brother. Come on. No, fuck your marathon. I want to know. No, a half triathlon. Oh, you're not. You can't even swim, can you? What?

No, but that's the third one. Is that a one and a half? That's two thirds. Is that two thirds? Just soft squat? No, you do the whole first event. You do half of the second one. And then you see who's winning.

If you're getting annoyed about what we're not talking about, I am as well. What's half a triathlon? It's like a triathlon, but you only do half of it. A one and a half athlon. Yeah. Right. But they're called half triathlon.

It's like a half marathon, but for triathlons. Right. And i'm gonna do one no you do yeah why and you're not why because you won't but i will no no you have all the best intentions too but you won't do it i will okay we haven't even coming up in beirkenhead when november yeah when are you going to start training? Last six months ago or? No, I'm just going to start now. Who's going to put in the application form? Literally sit in six weeks.

What? Who's going to put in the application form? I think the biggest barrier to you doing a hard triathlon is you remembering to apply for it. Like, I actually think that if Adam was there, he'd just give it a shot. Like, I think get his leg on and give it a shot. But I honestly think six weeks out, you'd be like, Adam, the race for you is to get that application form in time.

Lads, I was going to do it, but half of my internet was down. What's the first person? Is it the run first? You run. Motorbike. Guys. Speed both. You're driving me mad. What? Run. two seconds is it the run first you run and ride motorbike guys speed both you're driving me mad

what run I was enjoying the joke that I egged out and now you've I feel taken it too far with the triathlon if I don't hear

about what happened with you in London on Wednesday I'm gonna pop a testicle I'm so excited about it duckie hoses we have wagamamas and it's fucking great

really lovely duckie hoses yeah like normally you only get four but for some reason there was five in the box yeah We had Wagamamas And it was fucking great Really lovely Duckie O's Yeah Like normally You only get four But for some reason There was five in the box Yeah And I got an extra

Hoisin dip with it I got Mahi's Delivered it I feel anxious You're giving me You're giving me Waited over an hour For a pizza as well

Did it come? Yeah Order Order Order Fuck your half track Yeah we ordered it And then an hour later

I don't know what happened On Wednesday Still waiting for a pizza Fuck your half-track. Yeah, we ordered it. And then an hour later. I don't know what happened on Wednesday. Still waiting for a pizza. You do, though. I do. And you were saying it. You were saying you don't know. I was there. I watched it, yeah.

Watched the pizza. People are really starting to work you out, mate. Because I did a Instagram post yesterday of my garden and I just mowed it. And I was like, oh, I love doing stripes. Laughing face. And I love it when people are like don't you mean lines Dan and then one person went don't you mean lines Dan in a sarcastic voice oh no that's the joke

just like Sensei Carl would say yeah people are really getting your anti-jokes get in but people do call cocaine stripes or something yeah or have a stripe yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah should have thought of that when i wrote i like doing stripes yeah yeah yeah but the people who did i knew you knew it but the other people don't know that you knew it yeah they thought yeah they didn't they didn't know that you knew it Yeah They thought Yeah they didn't know They didn't know That a professional comedian Was being a bellend I liked it

I wonder if they then Read the other comments And go Oh god 17 other people Thought of that joke And the office Looked beautiful as well

What was that one That happened on Instagram a couple of weeks ago I made a joke And then the fella Made the exact same joke Below it Oh

It was I put it in the group Didn't I Yeah It was Yeah I can't remember now put it in the group, didn't I? Yeah. Yeah, I can't remember now. No, it was on Twitter. Yeah, screenshot of it. If we don't talk about Wednesday night in London for you guys,

my testicle's going to pop and you're going to have to deal with it. Belushi's. Oh, mate. We had Café Patron. It wasn't even Café Patron. It tasted like it. It was just coffee flavoured tequila, different brand, but it was still nice.

It was good. Expensive as well. Fuck Belushi's. Fuck your half still nice. Expensive as well. Fuck Belushi's. Fuck your half triathlon. Fuck Colin Manford. Fuck Royton. Fuck my glasses.

And fuck 6,000 pages. I do not mean that. I love you all and we want more. We had a gig. What was the gig? Oh, speaking of gigs, by the way. Carl. What?

Carl. You know what a gig it was, don't you? Speaking of gigs, on the way. Carl. What? Carl. You know what a gig he was, don't you? Speaking of gigs, on Tuesday, coming this week, Eshan Akbar, pod legend and hero. He's doing the Underbelly Festival. So we're doing the Underbelly Festival on Sunday, the 19th of September. It's all but sold out. I think there's like two or three tickets left.

If you want them and you're an early access patron, you can get it. If you're a public fucking pube then you you're too late already so it's already happened it was yesterday for you or even later if you don't watch right that's brilliant can we let's not call them muggles anymore let's call them pubes yeah the public pubes oh and they both start with pub it works so he's doing tuesday tuesday the 21st september he's doing his show oh the 21st of September. He's doing his show. Oh my God, we're nine minutes in. The Underbelly Festival. Are we?

And I just, I promised him I'd give it a little push. Nice. Let's go for a break anyway. Yeah. That's in London. He's doing stand-up in London on Tuesday. And we love him. I couldn't give a fuck about our Bengali pub day.

Tell us about Live at the Apolloollo you massive gig dick tease oh yeah that was good it's good gig yeah right now a message from manscaped it was fucking great dream come true stuff it was a you know what i mean yeah it's been hard to sort of just funny i can say this now so So as you know, I got told about what? It's about 10 weeks ago now? About that, yeah. Something like that? And he only told one person.

That's the sort of... One of the best secrets in comedy. I told... I got told, you can tell a few sort of important people. I got told, don't tell anyone. But, you know, invite whoever you want. So I was like, right. So I can invite everyone if I want.

But I kept it... I didn't want to get in trouble. So I obviously whoever you want. So I was like, right, so I can invite everyone if I want. But I kept it, I didn't want to get in trouble, so I obviously told yous, told the people I was going to bring down, like my dad and Sam and me cousin come down, me mate Josh come down with his missus. I told a few people, but I was trying to keep it small. There's a few comics who were like, I've heard a fucking rumour,

because things spread without you saying it. Like I have messages off comics that I'd given no hint to going I've heard you're doing the fuck yeah because comics

are big gossipy bitches and that's not even the ones with podcasts that's like there's people who just it's natural that you talk about

have you heard about Ro yeah what about Ro oh no you've not heard wow like the only person who really kept it secret

was Scott Bennett that definitely he kept because in his head if he tells someone and it gets back to the BBC they'll go right he's gone like he's got enough paranoia that he's like oh god I don't want to lose it the thing is though at the minute in the comedy industry if you go to someone have you heard about Roe and they go no and you go oh you haven't heard don't worry about it people think I've been doing some rapes and I haven't do you know what i mean that's more of a common thing have you heard about that male comic than he's doing live at the apollo there's more male comics sexually assaulting other comics than there are male comics doing live at the apollo you're not one of the

rapesies no no you're a bit of a slap sees now and again that's how you get hot what um yeah so it was i was trying to not tell people for so long but as it got closer and closer to it it was just spilling out of me and the other day on monday um i booked my haircut because i was going down to london on monday and i wasn't gonna get my hair cut in london by one of the fucking amateurs they have down there i'm going to my guy right and uh yeah the biggest tv appearance of your career so far you don't want to trust it to some fucking turkish barber off the old kent road like that's not gonna go well it's gone fucking wrong i did it how everybody do it and you won want line in eyebrow. It looks good. You look like Vox Onova.

It's nice. SRI. And he texted me on Sunday, me barber going, could you come in another day this week? There's been a thing. And I was like, I need to be in tomorrow

at the time we've booked. So we're doing that. Are any of your other customers going to be on the telly, fuckknuckle? No? Cool. I'll see you when I want to be there. So me barber was like telly, fuckknuckle? No? Cool.

I'll see you when I want to be there. So my bar was like, well, look, he'd had a problem and he was like, one of the other lads in the shop is going to have to do it. Joe will do it. But I've had my hair cut with Joe before

and he's good. So I was like, yeah, sounds. So Joe was like, he's cutting me in. He's like, so what's happening, lads? Why did you need to be in today?

I love it that you're doing the fucking, just for the audio listeners, Adam is doing the, he's like, he's like, he's i love it that you're doing the fucking just for the audio listeners adam is doing it's like edward suzanne's got rheumatoid arthritis like i've been cutting hair for too long you got what done rheumatoid arthritis rheumatoid rheumatoid yeah is it not rheumatoid rheumatoid rheumatoid? It's rheumatoid You said tard because it's linked to the other word No we didn't It's rheumatoid

I've been saying that my whole life Rheumatoid arthritis I thought it was rheumatoid Rheumatoid arthritis That guy's a bitchy tard He's telling all the secrets The rumour tard The rumour tard

I nearly did it I nearly did the impression Not gonna do it She's in me timbers So Joe's cutting your hair I'm having the most fun This feels like a big long I'm loving this go So he's cutting your hair i'm having the most fun this feels like a big long i'm loving this go so he's got me here

he's doing it has he got two scissors two scissors what's he shaving with his dick you've just dribbled on the table ladies and gents about to be on live with your pull-up might be? You've just dribbled on the table. Ladies and gents, about to be on Live at the Apollo. Reminds me of a household name. Just dribbled on the fucking table. I feel like an absolute rheumatard. I'm telling everyone. If you go to barbers

and he comes at you like this, get out. But who's holding the fucking razor? Chop, chop, chop. Little Filipino guy guy i got you don't tell anyone i'm doing this who are you i'm the rheumatid so he goes there and apart i just i like shouting at him he went so why did you need to come in what have you got going on

needs to come in what have you got going on i kept it in from so many people for so long it just come out it's like so this guy's gonna do really well i started telling everybody when i got closer well i was driving on wednesday morning he's like where are you going i was like i'm going to see adam i told me daddy couldn't tell anyone and when when we got off the train in london on Wednesday morning he's like where are you going I was like I'm going to see Adam I told my dad he couldn't tell anyone and when he got off the train in London Sam went to me

oh by the way literally everyone on the 10.47am train from Liverpool to London Houston now knows that you're doing live the Apollo

because your dad was walking up and down the aisles going I'm going to London to watch my son record the Apollo he did it to Sam I told everyone in a holiday home in Anglesey to watch me son record the Apollo. He did it to himself.

I told everyone in a holiday home in Anglesey because you sent me the message. I went, oh my God, yes, Rose got the fucking Apollo. And then you went, just telling you and Laura. I was like, right, keep that to yourself. Keep that to yourselves. So my whole family have known for weeks accidentally. So many people have I told who have told not to tell people. Yeah.

It's just the way it is. I found out when I was next to a field watching kids I will literally remember... You mentioned kids, you've got to keep talking. Oh dear.

You can't pause after kids yourself You can't pause after kids You can't pause after kids Whatever word comes after kids Has to be hyphenated I was watching kids Fucking feed Horses Grass

And your message came through And I was literally At the side of Kiri's farm And went Get in Rose Cut the fucking Apollo It's so good Such a good feeling

so that's where I want to be yeah so yesterday was crazy I got told initially that I was going to close so they record, when you do it for those who don't know, they record two episodes

on the same night with the same audience so the audience are sort of funnelled in at six o'clock. And the show starts. It's meant to start a quarter past seven, but it's half past, especially with the COVID problems and stuff. So they're all there for an hour and a half before the show starts. And the first show goes on.

The host does half an hour. And then each act's meant to do 20, but everyone overruns. Then they have a break. And then it's the second show. It's a long night, isn Then they have a break, and then it's the second show. It's a long night, isn't it? Yeah. And I had to close the second show. It didn't feel like it, though.

It didn't feel like a long night. I was there from when the doors opened to obviously when he was on. And the comedy all went, I don't know, obviously because it's quality comedy all the way through. It went quick.

The show seems weird. How did it feel backstage? I was watching the match. It went quick. Like the show seems like weird. How did it feel backstage? I was watching the match. I love it. Do you know what? What's backstage like? Backstage is a bit dirty. It's a bit sort of like

this is your dressing room and it's very minimal. It's not very showbiz backstage at all. Yeah, some of those, I mean the Hammersmith Apollo is an old theatre. We were in Bradford last night with Johnmith apollo is an old theater like we

were in bradford last night with john bishop and it's an old fucking i think it's victorian and you're like it's a bit grim people think this is really fun but the dressing room is a bit depressing have you been in the hammersmith apollo before no never i'd never been in the room colossal it isn't no so oh really for a three and a half thousand seater, you would be forgiven for going, is this 1800? Like, it's still a big, big room.

Yeah. But it feels very intimate for a room of that size. I don't want to interrupt you, but Royton on Wednesday was very similar. Yeah. Because it holds 50. Fuck off. But honestly,

it feels like 33 and two piss knob heads. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's just amazing amazing isn't it but again it's historical venues there wasn't a dressing room it was just me

and Big Lou stood next to a bar getting given jarg diet coke it's great so it's similar isn't it go on sorry I don't want to interrupt you

where were you when you found out I was playing Royton were you in a field watching kids or did you go like yes Dan's got

go on I think i was on a speedboat in croatia right yeah i actually a video called him because i wanted to see him weep yeah and i was what dribble it was the infection that i've just got from jumping in the sea um yeah so you i have to be there at four o'clock. You do your sound check. You walk through the garage door. They show you. They play your walk-on song, and I had to correct a bit of it. So I asked for Place Your Hands by Reef,

and they said you can't have that because it doesn't clear. Because it's not like going on a gig where they just play it off Spotify and everything's fine. It's got to clear for international broadcast in America, Canada, Australiaia and the uk and reef doesn't so i sent them a couple more and then i asked jamie webster could i use his song this

place as me walk on he was like i'd fucking love you too and that clears because he said so yeah but there's there's a specific lyric that i love in it so when i did me the sound check in the day they ask you talk as loud as you're going to talk and shout as loud as you're going to shout just so we get our levels you do your practice walk through the door and when i did it they just played it from the start of the song and i was like could you start it exactly 38 seconds in and then when i did it later on they absolutely you'll hear it on the on the thing that's mad honestly i've learned from emma joe walkout music didn't matter on the video you talk you can't Honestly, I've remembered your Warhawk music. Didn't hear it. On the video, you talk.

You can't really hear it. No, it's for the TV rather than the room. I couldn't hear it at all in the room. Whenever stuff's for TV, they deprioritise

the people in the room, probably less so for Live at the Apollo. But I've done TV warm-up where I've been talking and I've gone, it's like, you

know when people go, is this on? I have genuinely looked towards the sound guy and gone is this working and they're like keep going because they don't give a fuck about the studio audience that you're warming up it's all about the tv show and not interrupting that there's big like crane mics blocking people's views and stuff the thing is though if those cameras weren't there you wouldn't know you were recording for the telly they run it perfectly it

is a comedy night in a big theatre. They want people laughing. They want people happy. It's just a gig. It's smooth. They're not like, ladies and gentlemen, remember it's for the TV

so make sure you're laughing. They just go, ladies and gentlemen, show's going to start in about 10 minutes. It's going to be a great night. Welcome to Live at the Apollo. 10 minutes later they go,

ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your host, Jen Brister. And that's it. Jen do well? Jen did well. Esther Monito did well. The early show on the night was Chris McCausland comparing. Very good. And that's it. How did Jen do well? Jen did well. Esther Monito did well. The early show on the night was Chris McCausland comparing.

Very good. Sophie Duker and Emmanuel Sanubi. Everyone smashed it. Like, how were you feeling when you're behind the thing? Is it like a garage door that opens up and then you go through and it's smoke? Right. The smoke's a bit sort of odd because you've got to walk forward whilst you literally cannot see two yards in front of your face and it's so counterintuitive to be like i can't see

what i'm whether i'm about to walk into a wall or a door or anything actually would that be alive if you came up fucking hell that's okay now jesus christ i've got asthma in my head and also like there's a thing in front of you so like like part of the rig is behind the big garage door

there's like a big bar which is like a yard back right in front of where you stand and they go do not walk forward until that is

above your head because we've had people before who just twat their head on it and we have to do the whole bring on again oh right yeah great um literally like trying to get out of a car park

yeah wait wait now you can go yeah chill out right okay but the yeah so one of my favorite moments of the backstage bit like the gig was amazing by the way there's not i there's not much i can say about the gig which one little thing i'll tell you in a minute. But my favourite bit of the backstage bit, the show manager, or the floor runner, or whatever they call them, is a Liverpool fan. So he had the Liverpool game on his iPad, because his job, once the show starts, is to tell me when to go and stand behind the garage door.

So when there's a comic on, he's got nothing to do. Right? So Este Manito's on, the girl before me, and I'm watching on the iPad the Liverpool game. Right? We're playing AC Milan. We're 3-2 up. Oh, first of all, it was 2-1 at one point,

and I can't control myself when I watch the footy. And Henderson scored a fucking screamer, made it 3-2. And at the side stage of Live at the Apollo, And I can't control myself when I watch the footy. And Henderson scored a fucking screamer, made it 3-2. And at the side stage of Live at the Apollo, I went, fucking get in! And the entire production team looked at me and I went, sorry, can't control myself. I hear them.

Jesus Christ. I can't help it. Is that the goal that Hendo, as he celebrated, went, Gerrard? Yeah. I've seen it. Have you not watched that on YouTube a few times? No. No, you went, Gerrard. Yeah. I haven't seen him. Right. Have you not watched that on YouTube a few times? No.

No, you missed that. All right. I'm bitter. So I'm watching. Obviously, come on. I'm watching the. Next to the fucking. But Esther Minito is having the biggest moment of her career so far. And you can just hear her scouts go, fuck, I'll get it, lads.

Get it. I'm watching it, rightads. I'm watching it, right, and I'm stood with the showrunner and Brett Vincent, who's not my agent, but he's a comedy agent,

but he's a mate of mine. What? He's fucking everywhere. He's Emmanuel's agent. He was at Freight Island on Tuesday. I thought you were going to say

he was at Royton. I was like, how the fuck did he manage that? Time turner. I was like, what are you doing here? He was like,

yeah, I know the guy who runs it. That guy does not like being at home. He was, Emmanuel Sanubi is, I was like what are you doing here he was like yeah I know the guy who runs it that guy does not like being at home he was Emmanuel Sanubi I felt like a dig I'm sure he has

he does not like being at home he's Emmanuel Sanubi's agent so he was stood there and he's watching the Liverpool game with me

because he's a big Crystal Palace fan but when he was a kid his first team was Liverpool because he was a bit of a glory hunter which he openly admits but then he was like I should support my local team which is Crystal Palace who we happen to play this week um but he's watching the game with me and the showrunner

and he died laughing because it got to 90 minutes so when you're backstage right there's there's a wall here right and I'm watching the iPad the ipads here right and then behind the wall there is the side stage bit and the stage the actual stage is over here so there's a wall stages over there and this is the side this is the wings right and in the wings there's a big fucking clock as there is on stage and as you walk on the clock starts and it goes up from zero to 20 minutes and beyond so you can see exactly how long you've done so it's not to 20 minutes and beyond so you can see exactly how long you've done

so it's not like getting a light on 18 you can see to the second how long you've done a lot of the bigger gigs they really like I honestly think

comedy clubs should think about this yeah because it's the most obvious thing like oh we've got a red light that flashes randomly

you're like what if you miss it and then all of a sudden the show when you're doing a big gig a support gig they're like that's your miss it and then all of a sudden the show when you're doing a big gig a support gig they're like

that's your time and it clocks it ticks down sometimes as in get the fuck off it's 0-0-0 yeah so it got to

90 minutes of the game and it come up with 3-2 up it's a tense game and it said 5 minutes added time so the iPod's there the wall's there

I'm studying and that's the side of the stage where everything is including the clock and it come up 5 minutes added time so the iPod's there the wall's there I'm studying and that's the side of the stage where everything is including the clock and they come up five minutes added time and I I'm just watching the game

and I went oh for fuck's sake and looked around the corner at the clock and Brett Vincent burst out laughing crying his eyes out and I went

what the fuck are you laughing at and he went you're about to make your debut on live at the Apollo and all you're asked about is am I going to to see the end of the time he was like no but it's champions league like land there my agent at one point come like there's 20 minutes before the show starts and i was in my dressing room watching the match on my laptop at that point and he hadn't seen me for a couple of hours and he come in and he just burst out laughing he went what are you doing i'm

watching the match he goes get your head in the game i was like i'm watching the match and he was like do you know what i've never worried less about a client doing live at the apollo he went most people are shitting themselves at this point and you're watching the footy i was like because if i wasn't watching the footy i'd be sat here thinking about what i'm about to do and thinking i'm missing the match if i'm watching a match i'm not thinking about what i'm about to do and i'm watching the match yeah it's like when people go when i see people before a gig writing material out like long form you're like if it's not in 10 minutes before if it's not in your head 10 minutes before it's not in like what are you meant to do like sit there with a notepad

like i'm a writer of i write out set structure i don't write bits out yeah i go these are the order of the bits and that helps me but you're not that guy so if you weren't watching the match are you just going to be sitting there going like it's already in your head you know what you're doing yeah yeah whatever gets you on that stage relaxed happy to nail it got a few hecklers improved a line on stage that got a round of applause that I was like

you did a few no there was a few with a round of applause but the so what happened was you got hecklers I got a couple yeah like

three yeah at which points I did so so one guy told me when I I mentioned the football guy told me when I mentioned the football for somebody

oh when I did the Victoria's Secret routine because I did that as a backup to the routine I intended to use on the TV and I know for a fact they're going to use

the other routine but I thought it's a shame to not do that routine at that show and give them the option when I did that and I go

I'd rather be a footballer I'd rather play for Liverpool it got a boo from some people like that's not my team boo so I dealt with that and then another guy on the front row went we won 3-2 by the way and I was like I know dickhead I was watching it backstage I haven't come out asking for the results dealt with him it all got big laughs but the the so if anyone's seen me in the past sort of six weeks or whatever do stand up I've been working on this routine about talking to it's about how much I hate

GP's receptionists and going to the doctor about me bowels right so the the routine is it's funny

but it's really silly as well because every time I talk to the doctor every time the doctor talks in the story oh it's a different accent well because every time i talk to the doctor every time the doctor talks in the story oh it's a different accent i give him a different accent just for for me because i think i find it funny so at one point i did an irish accent but i knew it was a bad one and i went i apologize when the irish people in and some girl shouted you should it was shit like the accent right so i dealt with it that's a funny

playful heckle though isn't it oh 100% yeah yeah yeah but then that gave me the idea to improv the other line which was

and I'm sorry if you want to wait and watch live the Apollo just skip forward 40 seconds or whatever no one's skipping no they're not

but I then did a German accent and I said I would apologise to all the Germans in the audience but I feel like you've got a lot more to apologize for than i have and it just come to me you're one of guys guys the war the war the war if anyone's like what made out of six million jewish people

thanks for pointing that out yeah they should be sorry other people as well not just the Jewish no but there was 6 million of them good I'm really that was good I'm glad we got all the facts out there carry on Hitler actually didn't die and he's in South America

if you don't finish this story I'm shoving this up your arse he's in South America he escaped to South America we've literally't finish this story I'm shoving this up your arse he's in South America yeah we've already he escaped to South America we've already done it we've literally done it on the podcast in the past

come on I need this fucking story he just got off stage and we got home it was fine smashed it and then Hitler was like lad

we won 3-2 what are you doing Adolf Adolf is our dad go on you're not in South America lad erm I know I didn't want to miss it

I'm a Patreon Who literally is a Patreon Would we let Hitler become a Patreon? If he signed up Would we block him? £10 That's the story It was a dream come true

It was amazing What? There's definitely more to the story. What? Like what? Oh, yeah, of course. Probably like the funniest bits of the story. Oh, yeah.

Carl just reminded Adam how to tell stories. That was great. Yeah, no, I just forgot this bit, and it's unbelievable that I forgot it. So in the routine about me hating GP's receptionists, I give her the name Janice, and when she calls me, she's like, Hello, it's janice here

from hornspit medical center so when i come off stage i found out that what had happened at the back of the room is anthony who produces the apollo had gone up to chris lander my agent and said is janice real so lander went and said to sam and carl everyone's dying laughing at the routine is janice real and him and sam i just went yeah it's fucking great isn't it and he went nope and then ran away and i was like so he went to anthony was like yeah she's real so when i come off her to the side of the stage anthony goes is janice real and i went sort of he, because if she's real, you can't name her. You can't name her. And I went, well, her name's not Janice.

Like, I don't know her name. I just gave her the name Janice. And it's the right medical center. And I went, but the medical center is. And he went, on you go. He went, you need to do that again. We'll tell the audience we've got to do a pickup. He said, just do it like once or twice. And just say, hello, it's Janice here from the medical center.

That's what I need you to do. And I spent 10 minutes just saying, hello, it's Janice here from the medical centre that's what I need you to do and I spent ten minutes just saying hello it's Janice here from the medical centre over and over and over again

and the more I did it the more funny it got at one point I said I feel like Stuart Lee and I felt that deserved a lot more than it actually got in the room we laughed in the corner

yeah it's erm so they you'd finished the show had finished people were leaving some people stayed

and then they went sorry about this guys Adam's got to do a couple of pickups how many so was there someone going do it again no I just

they told me to just do it once or twice and I did it 24 times so the show was finished people were standing up started filibustering have you heard about

Adam Rowe yeah he did he did two and a half hours at life of the apollo he came on twice hello it is janice from the medical center it was uh yeah hello there it's janice like from the medical center it's still shit fuck you of all like of all the people to say the wrong thing when it's your job to say the wrong thing you said the wrong thing at the laugh the Apollo it was perfect yeah and Gina Lyons who's a major man who came she she filmed me doing all the pickups Sam filmed me doing all the pickups it's a funny thing to have and it's a funny story to have but yeah it went well it's uh it's already opened a couple

of doors to a few opportunities. Like, everyone had a good gig, but Lander rang me yesterday. He did a lot of schmoozing after the show. Me and Lander have a very good relationship where we can be very honest with each other. And I need that because I never want to feel like my agent's blowing smoke up my ass. But he was like, I spoke to a lot of people in the room and there was sort of no question as to who they thought

was the best act on the bill. Man of the match. Man of the match. It wasn't close. So, we did it. And let's the night and wasn't close so we did it and let's hope it's not the last time we did it i am i'm just gonna say this i feel so fucking proud of what you've done there and i uh incredible it's a really nice feeling to watch someone who you work with and your mates with just like very obviously and visibly take a fucking level up like a computer

game and there's been points in my life where i have felt a bit dismissive of this stuff because i think jealousy is roughly what you'd call it but i was and at the time i never felt jealous i felt like oh fuck it you know i just didn't engage with a lot of stuff and it's not that i was like bitter it was just like in your head you're like just want to i want to do my stuff and not worry about everyone else it's a human reaction that you have to override and i've mentioned this to you before i had to do that long ago in my career it wasn't about tv and stuff it was about getting club work when my mates were getting it and i wasn't and it's the same thing but to the nth degree when when you know how good you are and you know you would absolutely destroy live at the Apollo

and then you see someone who you've gigged with, who you know you're better at stand-up than, and then they get it, you go, that's annoying. I deserve that. It's not jealousy. It's like a frustration. You're like, ah, why am I butting my head at this glass ceiling

when other people don't have it? It's a really nice feeling to get to a point in your life, I don't know if it's perspective or whatever, or the success of this podcast, I've had two of my best mates do Live at the Apollo within 24 hours, and I couldn't be more pleased. And Scott Bennett did it the night before Adam, and then you did it the night before Adam. And then you did it. And that day, I was having, it was just really weird.

I was just having like so many like, there's a bit in, I don't know if you've seen Goodfellas, where Henry Hill finds out that they've robbed the Lufthansa flight. In the shower. And he's like, Jimmy! Jimmy! I had that vibe going on. Fucking rowing bags, lad.

Me and Simon called him a sit still. But no one put it in the WhatsApp group. I know we've got a podcast. And I know we wanted to tell this story. And that bullshit at the start of this episode where we were egging it out, that genuinely started like, I needed to hear that story.

I wanted all the details. But you didn't. I know you've had a big day. But there was nothing in the WhatsApp group so I was like what happened and like

I love I'm finally hearing it it was a busy so yeah man like do you know in the few days before it because obviously I was on day three

of the recording and they only record for three days and I knew everyone who was doing it and everyone who was doing it I was like overnight checking

their social media to see what they said about it and no one posted about it and everyone who was doing it I was like overnight checking their social media to see what they said about it and no one posted about it and I knew you were allowed to once you'd been on oh is that the rule yeah

so they have a rule where the audience aren't allowed to know who they're about to see and that's been since day dot since Jack D was the host and they had a special guest

they've never let anyone announce who it's about to be if you go to see Live at the Apollo you're going to see Live at the Apollo tell them going to see Live at the Apollo tell them about Vittorio oh yeah Vittorio was there

and didn't know Adam was on didn't know I was on just had tickets he was watching he was like I'm lagging here a little bit because he was the last and she went

please welcome to the stage Adam Rowe and he said him and Aaron McCann like lost their shit like what the fuck because they didn't even know

and he's just amazing I love Vittorio he said his head just fell off he's so one of the lids in he um so yeah you but i i checked everyone's social media and i was like why are people not screaming that they've done it and it took me a day to do it because you come off you get told oh you welcome in the artist bar open bar drink whatever you want you can you know you you're only meant to take two people in and i begged for a third ticket i had nine tickets to the show um they but they were like you can't bring everyone backstage it's just it no i can't do it it's only two and i was like well me cousin

dolly's coming with their fiancee they're there i can leave them as a two me mate josh is coming with his missus i can leave them as a two fiance newly yeah fiance sorry uh gina's coming with her husband i can leave them as a two and i could actually tell them as a six to go to the bar that we're going to go to afterwards yeah and rebecca came she didn't end up coming to the bar anyway but rebecca came with her friend a mate of mine so i was like she just ended up going home but i was like they're all twos the other three people were my dad carl and sam so initially initially what i was like my dad's got to be next to me all night and then if i was only allowed to in it was going to be him and i was going to tell sam to go with dolly yeah and you were not going to get sex for a long time. No, I've been plus one for a decade.

No, it wouldn't. Sam would have been like, if I couldn't have got a third, she's actually quite sound and would have been like, I get it. Because I would have gone, I've got to keep my dad with me because he's my responsibility. And he's a producer. And we're about to be in a room full of producers. And long term, it's...

Second to the fact that we've spoke about this for 10 years she's gonna watch this Kyle doesn't matter she knows the fucking yeah so I said to Landa

please can you just get me a third ticket and he he he just about managed to be like look you can have a third

I love Landa I'd sign with Landa just for little moments like that where he got you a third it's almost like weirdly massively important obviously getting you on live at the apollo is pretty fucking good as well it was uh yeah you know when people go live your life don't spend

your time like taking videos or on your phone that's actually a very valid point isn't it you might do a shit ton of tv over the years it's almost like your first gig isn't it i'm glad that that you went out lived it went to the after party went to a bar and that you weren't like oh my god my social is kicking off you can do that in the days after can't you like actually do the thing live it i'll tell you what i've had a couple of big opportunities in my life now and not to seem i said this to him a couple of weeks ago, this is not to dismiss what I've just done. And it sounds a little bit arrogant, but hopefully our listeners understand sort of what I mean by it.

It didn't feel as big as the Bill Bear stuff. And I'll tell you why. Since I've started stand-up, I've always been like, if I work hard enough, I might get to do Live at the Apollo at some point. I never thought, oh, I'll get to open for my favourite comic at the Royal Albert Hall so that was such a bigger surprise this was sort of like something I've always tunnel visioned and focused on so I think what that gave me it was and I mean this in a good way I when I when I opened for Bill Bear

I can't really remember once being on stage it was all a blur it was all let's well you just hyped get no let's get through it

so you can say you've done it sort of thing it's so big when I've done the stand up sketch show a couple of times it was oh this is telly do it roast battle

I don't really remember doing the battle like I just my memory of roast battle is watching it. Like after they come out, I very, very deliberately tried to be in the moment. And I can remember every second that I was on stage.

And it's the first time I've truly managed to do that. Uh, and one thing I haven't really told anyone that isn't close to me yet, which I'll, I'll just say now for our listeners is the, the lovely thing about getting to do it on Wednesday was that it was eight so I when I grew up it was my mum who got me into stand-up she introduced me to Richard Pryor I had a load of stand-up DVDs but live at the Apollo was the thing that we watched

together like I remember watching Jason Manford on it and we immediately tried to find a way to get tickets for him and then we drove past on a bus past the Royal Court Theatre and his big poster was on it like a couple of weeks after he'd done it and Wednesday was eight years

to the day since she died so to get to do it on that anniversary it was very special and Sam nearly fucking you don't like that?

I nearly went then Sam nearly ruined the day fucking hell I nearly went Sam nearly you know this might do it have you got it? yeah oh lad so Sam nearly ruined the day. Fucking hell, I nearly went. Sam nearly, you know, this might do it.

Have you got it? Yeah. Oh, lad. So Sam nearly fucking killed me. First of all, I'll say this, what I intended to do, what I wanted to do was end the set by going,

ladies and gentlemen, I got into this show via my mum and it's eight years since we lost her so this was for there but I didn't trust myself to not get wobbly lipped

and go so I didn't do it but when I got to the hotel, lad, wait until you read this. Oh, mate i didn't do it but when i got to the hotel lads wait until you read this oh mate when i got to the hotel messing with my mind sam had printed off like every picture she could find that was related to stand up for me and spread it all around the room with balloons and stuff but she gave me this which is it says it's a wallet card it's a metal wallet card and And it says, fate brings people together no matter how far they are apart.

Live at the Apollo, the 15th of the 9th, 2021. And that's on the back of it. And on the other side, it's a picture of me mum. And she said, I wanted her to be with you, so make sure it's in your pocket

when you're on stage. Yeah. You know, Laura didn't do that for me for reuters i i fell apart when she gave me that like literally fell apart and when i showed to my dad he did as well yeah um well my days should we have a break yes yes you know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because Should we have a break? Yes! Yes! You know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read

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Oi aye you going to do the half triathlon with me no ok yeah alright yeah cool

no can't I have three can we not do the olympics that we've been planning to do the athletics thing

we're going to put on Patreon I feel like we should do that as a warm-up i am genuinely worried about running in like a hundred meter sprint like i'm gonna try and break eddie azad's record for the most marathons run in back to back days why don't you do that and i'll be there with a water bottle apparently right apparently on your 15th marathon it starts getting Yeah, you just got to get through that. A lot of people say that. There's a hump.

There's the 14 marathon hump. Once you've done that 14th marathon on 14 consecutive days. Easy. Yeah, yeah. You're getting your body used to it. Your body's like, oh, we're doing a marathon again. Or you die at like the third or fourth marathon. And then everything feels easy because you're dead.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm thinking of getting for the marathon and then getting a special app made that puts my phone in front of me so I can watch like a Netflix series

while I'm doing it. Right. Yeah. Just like binge watch Breaking Bad while you're doing it. I've got VR there. You can have my Oculus

if you want. Yeah, there we go. No, because I need to be able to see the road as well. God, don't be stupid. You're being, take it, silly.

Silly. S silly. Silly. Silly. Silly. You know. No, I don't want to because I'm fat and 40. And I'm all right with that. Yeah, but you'll be thin and 41. Oh, you're fab and 40.

Triathlon is a bit of running, a bit of cycling, a bit of swimming. Yeah. You're running the road. Fine. Done that. I know roads. Trust them. Like them. you run on the road fine done that i know roads trust them like a cycle on the road bike i'd have to buy some baboon bottoms yeah because i have a a tentative gooch yeah i bet that can get sore quick so what kind of saddle are we talking about i want a padded saddle i just want i think you can do whatever you want right bring your own

saddle your own bike and then where we swim on my stabilizers where yeah cool where fucking oh that's a great episode of breaking back they're making meth whoa would have gone then um where you where do you swim i'm thinking the atlanta i'm out um the length of it the width of it sorry no you just do i think you just do two lengths. Have you researched where this half triathlon is? What? You just think it's in the Atlantic. I'm putting it on. Oh, you're putting it on.

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. How long's the length of the Atlantic? No. I'd say, like, the length of an Olympic-sized swimming pool. Oh, but it's in the Atlantic. Yeah.

So you can do it in Ireland. What? You can do it in Ireland, then. You can do it wherever you want, yeah. Right. Yeah. But I want to do it in the Atlantic. Yeah, but Ireland's got the Atlantic. Oh, cool. Yeah oh cool yeah sound i didn't know that that's good to know where did you think the atlantic started did you think off the mersey's

the atlantic no i didn't i just i just knew it was a bit of water yeah what's the other side of gonna have a big year in television this lad and it's his intelligence that's got him there. I don't even have a big bit of water. I rest in the Atlantic. That would be fucking great. Off the west coast of Ireland. Off the west coast of Ireland.

Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Where's the Pacific? Off the west coast of America and going towards... The other side. Japan. Why are you say Japan

I was just I was just a bit of key lime pie in my throat Japan cool is that a segue yeah my friends my friend Helen

is the wife of one of my really good mates in Chester and she's a professional chef she's a very wonderful woman what are you that's all encompassing she's a very wonderful woman what are you

that's all encompassing she's a wonderful woman I was just trying to make you uncomfortable and it worked

let me she makes fire cracking ass I know John knows he knows he's seen it she's a sous chef

no it's not a sous chef pastry chef and she's going on her own and doing it from home so she's a sous chef no it's not a sous chef pastry chef and she's going on her own and doing it from home so she's doing American American

bacon I don't know what the joke is sous chef nice like it she's a Helen chef yeah yeah

and she's baking in the Atlantic which is in Chester so she started Crave Bakes. She's just sent us some key lime pie that I've had a slice of, and it's fucking amazing.

I'm eating a cookie, and it's fire. So if you are in and around the Chester area, Ellesmere Port, or anywhere in the South Wirral, or Cheshire, give it a look. Crave Bakes, C-R-A-V-E, Crave Bakes. And that's Crave Bakes Chester outlook outlook.com and crave bakes. Low underscore Chester. I fucked that up.

Can we put that little things on there? Yeah. Absolutely. All right. They're going to be the official sponsor of the row. We triathlon half as well. Cause that's what you want in it. Just at the end of the swimming,

a big slice of key lime pie. You have to. So we'll, we'll make it like an interesting triathlon. Cause it's quite boring normally isn't it yeah yeah

so what's this we've started doing yeah yeah yeah they're very agreeable thick as fuck

yeah yeah shuffle brothers so while you're doing it you've got to eat one of her things so you've got to run however long it is

google triathlons I will when I get round get around to you mean it like we'll get we'll get helen on the side you know when they usually give water to the runners yeah yeah no no you get it at the start it's like an egg and spoon race but by the end of it you can't have anything left on your spoon she's got like pecan pie so she does american desserts uh i'm going to commission some pie for the Super Bowl party that I will be having in my garden office. Oh, my God.

Can I come? Yes. 10K run it is. What pie? I think apple. I love apple pie. I think maybe blackberry. Black pie?

Yeah. Okay. Meat and potato? That's a safety one. Imagine serving meat, because pie in America is all sweet, isn't it? Hang on, hang on. He was joking. Hang on.

Did he say that on purpose? Carl, you've done it again. Bloody hell. Sarcasm. A little bit facetious. He said sincerely. That's a savoury one. Fucking knobhead.

Jokes on jokes. I love going to Chipie for the fucking lovely sweet pie. I love going to your Mars for their lovely sweet pie. They don't sell. They don't sell cherry pie and chips oh i'm gone he's done it again oh in your web in your web of banter this one you have to keep an eye on this one they call me anti-comedy or uncle. You meant anti-spell A-N-T-I.

But you can hear it. Oh, my Lord. Aunt. Wow. Wowee. What do you think, Finn? Shut up, Finn. We're doing a comedy night. Do you know how nice I am to Finn off mic?

It's sickening. No, it's marginally different to on mic he's a lovely lad just shut up stop asking for a mic for Finn we're doing a comedy night

oh yes we're doing a comedy night it's going to be at the end of a triathlon you've got to do 20 minute sets go on sir everyone who buys the ticket

has to do one of the triathlon events yeah so this is Sunday the 26th of September in Liverpool.

Hins Social Club. One of the hottest spots in town at the minute. Ticket link is in the description. I'm on. Dan's on. Sean Walsh is on. It's going to be a brilliant night. Carl's going to be running the show for us.

It's one of them. When we used to do Secret Sundays, me and Carl, this one is not so Secret Sundays because it's next week. And there's a lot of tickets to sell. And it's at one of the hottest spots in town, is that right?

Just to confirm what you said. It's one of the hottest spots in town. It's groovy. Yeah. It's a groovy spot. It's going to start

pretty hip. I hear it's hip. It's an early start. We're going to start at 6pm. Doors will open at 5pm. If it's sunny,

it's a rooftop comedy show. Unbelievable. The roof's unbelievable. If it's a bit of a shit weather, we've got a space inside that we can move it to. But for now it will be build, because the weather's apparently meant to be good. Rooftop comedy at Pins. Not so secret Sundays. Me, Dan, Sean Walsh

and some other cunt who I'll book next week. I'm going to do Pedo Island. Good. I'm not letting it go. And Finn's coming. If you want some Finn, Dick. For fuck's sake. You're going to be alright. Can we get you laid, Finn? It'd be so nice to get you laid. Bring your pussies.

Bring some pussy for Finn. Yeah. Bring your pussies. Where are they getting them from? The pussy cupboard? The trousers. The trousers. I'm in vagina.

It's part of the poddy. Poddy? He said the poddy! Yes! He said it wrong! You've lost face! You've lost face!

Sit down! Yeah, tickets are in the description if you want to come and see it. And they'll have been all over social media before you've even seen this. That'd be sick. They're one of the hottest places in social media.

This is from Anon. Now, this guy didn't want it to be Anon, but I have made it Anon because I think it's a bit salacious. Oh. Wag wag lids. What does salacious mean? Just, it's controversial.

There's a lot of people who could be annoyed about this sort of gossipy. He's revealing stuff, potentially. So I just don't want the comeback for him. So Wagwagly has got a question for you. It's about my cousin. We shall call him Lewis, as that's his name. Anyway, I've just been sent a load of screenshots from my mates,

of my cousin and his best mate, who've been doing only fans together and have advertised it all over twitter with loads of public pics and vids of them dominating guys wanking each other off and filming each other piss is he gay yeah how the fuck am i meant to look at him and his fiance and their kids in the eye of the next family get-together. Is there any way that I can delete this from my mind forever? What the actual fuck? Live your best life and all of that, but what the actual fuck?

So... She won't come man off on the internet. He has been doing a little bit of the... And here's one of the Twitters. He says in his description, he's 6'3", 270 pounds, 13 size feet, straight cashmaster, put on earth to fuck your minds and wallets. Just to let you know, I will be changing my Twitter handle to Dan Nightingale, cashmaster.

Straight cashmaster, put on earth to fuck your minds and wallets. Arrogant, successful all-round better, Dan Nightingale, Cashmaster. Straight Cashmaster, put on a To Fuck Your Minds on Wallet. Arrogant, successful all-round better, top 0.8% of OnlyFans. What is this? Every time I'm seeing OnlyFans, like everyone's in the top 0.4%. It's a flex, isn't it? It's way one of the best.

Right. Just a flex. Right. It's because there's some absolute trolls on it. I'm in the top 85. Yeah. Yeah. So it's easy to's some absolute trolls on it. I'm in the top 85! Yeah. So, like, it's easy to be in the top 1%. Top 0.

And you rub it properly. But he's not gay. What? He's not gay. He is. No, but he's not. If you wank a man off on the internet, you're gay. If you wank a man off on the internet, you are.

His wife, fiancée, doesn't know he's gay. No, no, no, no. He is smoking a pipe with a fist. No, he's gay for pay. That's different. He's smoking a pipe with a fist. No, he's gay for pay. That's different. He's smoking the pipe with a fist. He's a businessman. Would you do it?

What? Would you do it? For 7,000, 8,000 patrons? It's a weird patron exclusive, isn't it? For 20 grand a month, would you wank men off on the internet? I would genuinely think about it. For 20 grand a month?

I'd have a think. Whose dick? His? Mine. I need more. What about Finn's? Finn's got a weapon. Whose dick? His? Mine. I need more. What about Finn's? Oh, Finn's got a weapon though, hasn't he? Yeah.

Just in terms of the physical labour it's going to... Look at him. You can tell it's massive. No, I don't know. I don't... I mean, is he gay though? Yeah. One can man off gay, isn't it?

Is Fiontay not a man? Huh? Is Fiontay not a man? Is Fiontay a lady? Has that been made clear? Yeah, I think well well he said fiancee and he said he got kids

so the heteronormative way society works you would assume that he you know she was smoking a pipe with a pussy and that's how they got the kids

you would assume that hey cashmaster do you wanna do you wanna conceive what are you thinking I'm thinking about smoking a bag with a pussy. Well, I'm thinking of... I'm thinking of wanking off Kev.

So they record each other... What did he say? Wanking each other off. Dominating men. I'm pissed. Dominating men. Yeah, dominating is like when you sort of like forcefully bum on them. No, not necessarily.

Not necessarily. I think he would have said with the bum bum, wouldn't he? If it was the bumming. Force bum, it's called. I don't think the camera picked up the little hip shift you did under the table. You're like, doing the bumming. You need to really go for it.

You're a fucking dirty idiot. No, I don't think they do bumming. I think they're like, dominate men as in, ah, you're fucking. I do it. Do you know what? I'm not wanking off men, but if someone wants to record me piss and i have to just be a knobhead to some gay guys i think about that for 10 g's a month be like you are such enough men right this

is the one we're talking this is the problem no i'm saying everything else is fine it's the wanking off men and and like we don't know for sure, the potential bumming. I think that is, that's crossing the line. His fiance needs to meet. But the bumming's not happening online. So you, let's, we are adding that layer unnecessarily.

The dominating men is just being like, you're a fucking. That's a gateway though, isn't it? To the bumming. You're right, Carl. Wanking off men is a gateway to gay sex. You're right. I never saw it Is a gateway to gay sex You're right I never saw it like that

I always just thought Weed leads to heroin I thought wanking off men Was like a gateway to Nando's But actually you're right It's more of a build up to like Shagging men Sticking it in your mouth

Put it in like Put it in your bum bum Smoking a pipe with a face Smoking a pipe with a bum hole No I don't think he's gay I think he's just a businessman I think you know That's how you build

That's how you build a brand You build a brand There's no way Because otherwise You've got to remember You could shag women on the internet And do the same thing Get the same money

To And sell to who? Straight men No I don't think men Sell a lot of Only fans to straight men There's lots of men

Selling only fans to men How? Being like Watch me bang this bird No that's the The gay I don't know I'm saying if you get

He's doing it with a partner Isn't he? Yeah So you just make The partner a woman No Oh right yeah yeah yeah Yeah but the star

Yeah but that's cheating The star of the show Is then the woman She'd be the one Making all the money You're just a fucking extra In a porn film If you're a fella

Yeah with big feet I just think he's choosing it to be a man but here's my problem with it is you're saying he's definitely not bumming

there's no way they're getting to the end of domination and not fucking going for it because why would you like you you don't watch a film

and then not do the last five minutes do you be like I don't care how it ends no but I don't think he's gay so he's not going that far he's just doing a bit

of wanking no I think I think he'd be like, I don't care, I've got ends. No, but I don't think he's gay, so he's not going that far. He's just doing a bit of wanking. No, I think he'd be like, bumming's well gay. This is business. I really need a piss. Get the camera. Kev,

get the camera. If someone wants to record me, if you can't see my face, I'm just having a piss. I can see his face. Right.

Can I put this on the video? No. Can we? I don't know. It's on Twitter. I'm just having a piss I can see his face Right Can I put this in the video? No Can we? I don't know It's on Twitter I'll link maybe

I'll tell you what What's the at? I'll tell you what We'll We'll take away his name And the at And you can have a look At everything else

So Yeah He hasn't paid for this Advertising actually He can get fucked He owes us money We really At least a free video He owes me a free wank Yeah A free video yeah he hasn't paid for this advertising actually he can get fucked he owes us money we really at least a free video

he owes me a free wank yeah a free video what do you want domination or piss I wanna I wanna watch to the end and see if they do any bumming

I wonder settle an argument I wonder what sort of the domination I wonder what you could get away with like if you were like listen you

you're gay come and play me on FIFA and I'll fucking twat you yeah and like you film that and the gay guy's like I don't even know the buttons showing the

part that was that I think he's more like get your head in that fucking pillow and I don't want to see your face for the next half an hour fucking shut up don't

care how much it hurts some of them here's a third knuckle some of them some of the dominatrix is just women like going see your face for the next half an hour. Fucking shut up. Don't care how much it hurts. Some of them... Here's a third knuckle. Some of the dominatrixes is just women like going clean my fucking kitchen. And they're like, yes mistress. That's like two for one. You're getting money and housework. I've got a story about this.

I'd be into that. Have you? I think Laura would be fuming. I have, yeah. Mow my fucking lawn. A listener, possibly. one of sally's friends got a message on facebook or instagram one of them off a man uh saying can i get some pictures off you and videos and i'll pay you she's like no he's like right well i'm into um i'm into feet i just want feet pictures doesn't have to be your face right doesn't have to be anything like that yeah it's good money and she's like she spoke to her boyfriend and he was like I might be I might

be getting a sorry but I'm gonna know the end of it and he's like you don't know the last five minutes she got bummed she didn't get bummed uh don't know so he said what he's into is rock ports so he bought had a pair of rock ports Facebook Marketplace and they came to it. He said, I want some videos of you walking up and down your house in Rockport, like POV kind of thing, like walk up to it. And I want you to smush cheeseburgers into your Rockport boots and send me videos and pictures.

This is getting me hard. I'm into this. I'll show you the pictures afterwards. I actually prefer kickers and cheese baguettes, but it's similar. So he transferred the money for the Rockports, money for the cheeseburgers, and then the pay for the videos.

Do you know what I find most offensive about that story? That he got Rockports off Facebook Marketplace. Finn, have you got a story? Finn's getting the mic! Finn's getting the mic! This is going to end weird. Ladies and gents, Finn's life. I feel like I might have told this before,

but I sold foot picks in uni. Oh, I'm bored of this. I've heard this. Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, fine. No, I'm joking. How did I tell it?

I don't think so. I definitely know that you've sold, I'm sure you've done it on. Did you tell it to a man or a woman? Yeah, because we told him a sex worker. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right, here's a few weeks after that. I'm sure you've done it on Did you tell it to a man or a woman? Yeah because we told him a sex worker Oh yeah Oh yeah Right here's a

A few weeks after that My now ex Also did that But was on Skype with a guy And telling him he was like a piece of shit And all that jazz But she checked with me first

So it was alright I'm telling you I'm telling you right now I will Man Woman Nearly said child I'm not doing child Children Child, I'm not doing child,

children, child, I'm not doing child. No, let it go. Let it go, let him have one. If you want me to just be a knobhead to you, I'm available. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be like, you fucking dick. What, how would you go, how far would you go though? What if it was an ethnic minority and they wanted you to call them a racial slur? I will use racial slurs, but not the right one for their ethnic minority.

Right. So if there's like a Chinese guy, I'll be like... Do you use the N word on a Chinese guy? Yeah, because I don't think that's offensive. We just don't know cheeseburgers. Because what, is he going to be like, hey, that's not either of our words.

Well, that last section was problematic for me, just for that last section. No, I think, yeah, that's, you know. I don't want to be racist. I'd be a bit gay for pay, but not racist for pay. No. See, if I got sort of talked into that, which would be possible, do you know what I mean? Gay for pay? No if I if I got sort of talked into that which would be possible

do you know what I mean gay for pay no like the insulting them oh right right if I got talked into it

and they asked for a racial slur I would immediately be like this is a set up and they're going to try and extort me he's trying to get me to say this word because it is

kink but it's not he works for like panorama or something what was the Panorama we called Panorama you haven't your Apollo's

not even been out yet and I'm like I'm big now I'm pretty fucking big I'm pretty big Adam Rowell the Zoom racist Panorama tonight

10 o'clock hey I did 25 pickups Panorama I'm on their radar no but like it could be like Panorama looks into the systemic racism

in zoom meetings or something yeah and they're just trying to systemic racism in zoom meetings would they show the entrapment of the video

no they'd just show it out of context exactly it'd just be me on a zoom with some Filipino man calling him a Filipino cunt or whatever

that famous Filipino slur. Hey! No! That's off. Word. The f-word. I'm not sure you're on the radar of Panorama right now.

Not saying. You think you're going to get fake shakes? That's how they get you? You think you're going to get fake shakes? Oh, they'd never be after me. Listen Adam, I love your gourmet, but I'm into some pretty weird shit. Will you come to my hotel room in Dubai

and call me a dirty Jew? It's what I'm into. No, but that's what Jeffrey Epstein apparently used to do, isn't it? He used to get like big, like, government figures and then trap them. To shag kids though? Yeah.

Not to say like Jew. Yeah. But Jew with a bit of stank on it's problematic, innit? What, on Pedo though? Yeah. Not to say like Jew. Yeah. But Jew with a bit of stank on it is problematic, isn't it? What, on Pedo Island? Yeah. Feed into the beast. But they're also like billionaires.

They're not Adam Rowe. No. Like comedy is like the last bastion of courage against the system. So maybe they're trying to take us down so we can't, you know,

tell the truth. The last bastion of courage against the system. And if you want to see some of that last bastion of courage, come to Pins

on Sunday the 26th of September where I'll be talking about drugs, my dick and pedo island. Back to you, Adam. Adam, why do you reckon

you'd be on Panorama if you got a stung Or check out my lawn Probably for being gay for pay Because it looks fucking Easy I'm not doing bumming I'll just do a little

As long as I've got A smaller dick than me Is this a bit of bum fingering Is that what you were doing I want I will do men With smaller willies than me And I'll be like

Mate that's pathetic And I'm like What have you got Slightly better than this Are you wanking him off I'll do a wank off yeah I thought this was Mate, that's pathetic. I'm like, what have you got? Slightly better than this. Are you wanking him off? I do wank off, yeah. I thought this was fingering his bum hole.

I thought that's what you were doing. Morse code. Everything's about the bum with you. Doop, doop, doop, doop. What? Everything's about the bum with you. I'm just a bit of wanking. You have any bum based? Yeah.

Why can't you just be a bit of wanking and be like, you're a knobhead. Yeah. Knobhead. I need a whiz wanking and be like you're a knobhead yeah knobhead I need a waz two seconds watch it knobhead

that's my I'd do this stay away from the bum bum watch it I can load it I think if you genuinely be like look I've been given an opportunity

to wank me off on the internet that's all I've got to do though I've got to call him a cunt and rub his knob I think she'd be like is it behind a paywall I think she's alright I think she understands

the Patreon system it's paying a lot of the bills she'd be like it's just another layer of that no you can't go to our Patreon we'll give another site a percent

I think that might damage our Patreon if everyone gets an email every Thursday morning I fucking love Wednesdays and Saturdays, but gay Thursdays are a nightmare with Dan.

I wonder why he started with Steve. That's just a drum up business. First in, last out. Just one call of guests off. Yeah. That could be some Patreon bonus content. Oh my God.

I'd pay to not see me one coffee, Sean Akbar. I'm out. Yeah. Yeah. Be like, oh. So what was the question? I can't remember.

Why is wanking people off when you've got a fiance? I think you've got to make, you've got to speak to the lad and ask him, does his fiance know? And if his fiance doesn't know, I think you've got to grass him up. Grow the fuck up. It's a bit of online content.

Doesn't matter. Just shake him in his wrong hand. Don't be like, I've fucking seen where that one's been. Just fucking ignore it. No, keep yourself well away from this. You're telling me you can ignore it if Josh, our friend Josh. I wouldn't go and ring his bird. You wouldn't tell her at all?

Not at all Well Not one bit You're not particularly Like okay If it was you Would I tell Sam? Yeah

I wouldn't You should Why? Because you just should No What? Because she's marrying a man wanker What?

That's what he is He's a man wanker isn't he? Are you marrying Sam? No He's I thought we were getting an announcement. He's the fiancé. Like, the reason I use Josh is because they're engaged.

So if I was engaged to Sam, and he found out I was wanking men off on the internet, I just thought we had big news. I'd go, what are you doing here, lad? And he'd go, I know. I'd go, it's not my business. But he'd be like, lad, content is king. You wouldn't get asked.

I appreciate the loyalty. I'd have a long conversation with you where I would encourage you to tell Sam. is king. You wouldn't get asked. I appreciate the loyalty. I'd have a long conversation with you where I would encourage you to tell a secret. Yeah, but you wouldn't get asked. No. If I said I don't want to tell you, you'd be like, well, I'm telling her. Hey, other suggestion, just tell Freddie Quinn.

Watch the news. It'd be amazing, that. It's like tweeting. Tell Trev MacDonald. It is like tweeting. Tell Freddie Quinn a secret. It's like hiding a billboard at Times Square. Freddie, don't tell anyone.

And a separate issue. Can I have your Wi-Fi code? Freddie, have you heard Adams gave a pay on OnlyFans? YouTube.com slash Picatinny. No, it's pretty problematic. YouTube.com slash picketed. No, it's pretty... I know I've been like, you know, it's pretty problematic, isn't it? But I'd still...

I would stay well away from telling everyone. Just quietly judge. What's wrong with that? Don't fucking start grassing. Would you really start phoning people? No, I would implore my friend to tell his missus. Yeah. You've got to tell her because she's going to find out.

We know. It's about to be put online to 50,000, 60,000 people via us. It's his cousin as well. What's his name? It's not. It's his cousin. It's not like. Lewis?

He said in the email his name's Lewis. It's not. It's his cousin. It's not. Like with mates, said in the email his name's Lewis. It's not... It's his cousin. It's not... Like, with mates, you'd be like, I'm just jibbing him off. He's got to see this cunt at Christen's. Christmas.

Do you see all your cousins on Christmas? No, I don't even... I do. Yeah, a lot of people do, though, don't they? I don't see them all. Family events. Yeah. I think you've got to try and get him to tell her.

That's your move. Or try and get a piece of the pie and get involved and if you want more pie, Crave Bakes will be on sale at the Rowie Half Triathlon which is taking place on the 4th of November no it's in Pins isn't it? 26th no it was Tyne and Malty I've won it

didn't really work 26th of September though we are doing like the half triathlon I'm joking we're not going to do that but 26th of September we are doing

stand up a pin social club in Liverpool and tickets are on sale now the link is in the description and you should click it because I'm on Dan's on

Sean Walsh is on and some other country I'll book next week no triathlon I might do a half triathlon but I haven't I haven't looked into it enough half triathlon But I haven't I haven't looked into it enough I don't think

I don't think either Yeah I think I need to do a bit more research Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah I'm having a really good day

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah No No Yeah What's happening guys Ooh yeah yeah yeah yeah no no yeah what's happening guys

ooh look at your outfit shocking you look horrible in that that's a shitty shirt jumper dress thing whatever that is you've got on

what you need lad is a fucking t-shirt or a hoodie from haveawaredpod.com you want some official haveawared merch go to haveawaredpod.com and get some then

instead of wearing that fucking shite you've got on it's horrible you look a joke don't be leaving the house like that you want a hoodie

that says rat that's what you need lad go and get it have a word pod dot com of kings training for the

triathlons going well yeah yeah yeah drinking on a friday afternoon at work i've had key lime pie i don't know how

to say rheumatoid and we're having beers i'm ready to compete on a Friday afternoon at work? I've had key lime pie. I don't know how to say rheumatoid. And we're having beers. I'm ready to compete. Mark Nelson's here as well. Best of the applause, butter. Long time coming, this. I know, man.

Long time. Dream guest of ours to get on. How are you? I'm grand. I was just saying, I don't think I've seen, I've not seen you since pre-pandemic. I saw you seen me a few weeks ago in the rob riley gigs oh fuck so i did yeah i've seen both of you you saw me in the lockdown you saw me in the lockdown yeah when we did when we did the frog

with no people in it yeah that was good i i genuinely think that went well because i made you laugh three times i i they so the were like, we're doing a gig soon, but you're on stage in the frog. So it'll feel just the same. It won't. It'll feel awful and hollow and miserable. Apart from you were in the room and then a couple of other acts who I can't. Brennan was on.

Was Brennan on? Brennan was on. Brennan was on. Hayley Ellis. Nah. I can't remember the other lads. Yeah. And I just, they were like, you've got an earpiece so you can hear the Zoom front row,

so you can hear them laughing. Yeah. I was like, I don't want to do that. I just want to, I'll do my bits. I just tried to make Liam and the manager and Mark laugh, and it worked two or three times. So in my head, I was like, that's fine. That's a gig.

It's the best thing. Like, I loved having no, throughout lockdown, I loved having no audience Did you have gigs? No But like When I was doing The streams

Like it was Fucking amazing You did a lot from the stand Didn't you? I did the stand every week And You couldn't hear them? No

I couldn't see them Couldn't hear them It was just me and another guy In a flat Well it sounds really alien But I did the theatre Cluid in Mould In and around the same time And that's why I got it in my head

I didn't want the earpiece, because they were like, could you just perform? And you're like, I know my stuff. This is fine. You get to perform without the weird delay and, like, some couple farting and arguing because they paid for front row tickets at a Zoom gig. Like, fuck off.

Just the staff are enough. It's a crowd in a way. I'm amazed you never saw, no one ever came across anyone doing something in their room, like they forgot that it was on. Like someone doing a line or something like that just during the gig or just like fucking. I wonder if you could kick someone out the Zoom for drug abuse.

We don't have drugs on our Zoom, actually. It's against our new policy to allow people to do drugs in their own living room. Oh, wanking wanking would be the one oh that would that would

I've been doing stand up a while but I might struggle to get my big closer out watching some like guy jacking it in the front room yeah I think that's fair enough

actually yeah I don't think that's a I don't think that's a controversial opinion the frog will be like be a pro finish finish him

to him or to you yeah it'd be good if you said to him, you do know you're wanking, mate. The crammer's just on. He's like, yeah, that's why I'm wanking. Because you're on. That's why I'm wanking.

This is my moment. Yeah. No, I just, I'm glad that's all behind us and may it stay in the rear view mirror. on the drugs thing, right? Because I'm not big into drugs. I don't do much.

All right, telly boy. But, you know, am I right in thinking doing drugs isn't illegal, but being in possession of them is? Yeah. I think so, aye. Yeah. So if a policeman catches you with, like, 20 pills, could you just eat them all?

That's what happens. Yeah. That's what a lot of people on the streets and like dealers do they'll just like swallow it you can't get it out of your belly

you can't prove where it is yeah I mean but 20 pills if they're strong you're probably in trouble yeah you'll die I mean it's a hell of a night after it

oh my goodness me like yeah but if the police can't hold you you just run away and be sick the police can be dickheads

and you just go wait there that would be a pretty intense ride in the police car to the police station't hold you, you just run away and be sick. The police could be dickheads and just go, wait there. That would be a pretty intense ride in the police car to the police station where you start feeling some pretty strong emotions. And I'd suggest while they were booking you in, you might be struggling to stand in

and then you die in the cell because 20 pills is going to... But why you wouldn't be taken to the cell because you're not in possession of any drugs? What are they arresting you for? I mean, I don't know the law, but I'm pretty sure they're like, we've got your 20 pills,

and you go, ah, he's gone, we've got to leave him. Have a great night, sir. Goodbye, officer. Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb. Fucking Adam Rowe dancing down the high street.

You could shove him up your arse as well. What? You could shove the 20 pills up your arse. Right, but what, do you think they've disappeared into the land that doesn't exist? Like a piss dispenser.

Yes. Pull your arm. It's the same as swallowing them, isn't it? Or is it up his arse? No. Not, I don't, I don't know. Could you imagine? I think legally, your arse is actually like a pocket.

Because they're like, they're still in your pocket. They're like, that's still, you're still in possession of them. They're still in your pocket they're like that's still you're still in possession of them they're still on your page yeah it's well known the arsehole is just is just the arsehole is nature's pocket it's mother nature's smelly pocket where's your keys have you checked all your pockets i mean all your pockets oh shit the car keys my car keys are up my ass again could you imagine like uh excuse me are those 20 pills you're like fuck you officer one two three no i think if it's inside the arsehole

i think that's like in your body but within the cheeks that's like just like a big wallace what if it's inside the arsehole it's all i got diplomatic immunity it's like the venezuelan embassy you're off ground tick aren't you diplomatic immunity what happens if when the police come 20 pills and Edward Snowden go on what happens when the police come

you just throw the pills away go right they go and get them how far can you how far can just say they weren't in yours what just say they weren't in yours

that's not what I threw I threw a big stick it's their way against you what do you mean so you have a gun you see the police coming and you just throw like the pills in the bush yeah and then they find the things like oh i threw a can of phantom if they watch

you throw the pills yeah so they they testify that that they saw you throw the pills so it's their way against yours then you're a policeman so their word counts for quite a lot i don't know whether it does you know it definitely does that's what I do when I'm drunk driving. I see the blue light, I just fucking bail out. Just let the car go out. I'm not driving. I don't know what the fuck you were talking about.

It's driving, right? I'm all ice, mate. You want to spend less time in me and more time catching that fucking runaway car over there? The mistake you've made there, I shove my car up my arse. Is that your car? It's in my pocket.

I wish I hadn't brought the limo today. I've got quite a hole in a Vauxhall Astro. I don't know the laws. I know. So if I go to court and it's my word

against the policemen, I lose. Pretty much. Yeah. That's why there needs to be two. There does not need to be two cops always so that one can corroborate what the other one says because then it's just a word against you.

Almost like if you're a bit of a douchebag police officer, you could use that and abuse that power. Yeah, so what if there's two of us? So like, what if I get a mate Like knockout doubles What if there's Three more of you And you have

Five a side That's how you work it out Yeah if there's five of us Drug trafficking And then we have to go to Like cause And five of us go It's five on one

Yeah it's five on one And then there's two police officers Going but they did It's five of us Two of you We win Let's take this To the basketball court If only the narcotics department Could afford And then there's two police officers going, but they did. It's five of us, two of you. We win. Let's take this to the basketball court.

If only the narcotics department could afford one more police officer or two. Yeah, but like, you just go around with loges, wouldn't you? Yeah, that's it. 50 of us. I don't think they've actually looked into this. You know, like lawyers. I think they've been overthinking it for a long time. Just get as many people as possible to lie.

Just like get all your family and friends. Just bring everyone and just say, no, who's an ass? Yeah, all dressed the same. Yeah, it's really hard to prosecute the Rose. Because if there's 50 people and two busies, they can't search you all at once. Just keep passing them along. You ever been in any sort of trouble with the police?

50 of you all stood there still. If two police officers find 50 people and go everyone stay still and 50 people stay still

then they all deserve to go to prison mate so if there's two police officers and 50 people they can't search everyone they can catch two of them

so don't give the fatties the drugs the slow ones your idea where they pass it along the line like a kids party and then and then So don't give the fatties the drugs, the slow ones. Your idea where they pass it along the line. Like at a kid's party. And then this is the clever bit.

You know like penguins in the Antarctic, when they go forward in the hustle to keep themselves warm, when they get to the front, they just go around the back. That's what you do with the drugs. So as the drugs are going down the line, then the first guy just peels round. No, but legally they can only search you once. And if they't find anything it's like ah you had your chance right i've seen that law yeah i don't think you should take legal advice from adam and his dirty pocket have you ever been

in any trouble with the police i don't think so you know have you you give off a vibe that you have yeah i don't i can't i was gonna say i can't remember but i don't i don't think i have no i might be like petty stuff yeah when i was younger like what's petty to someone from scotland that's pedophilia just a sawn off shotgun not a full shotgun just petty stuff you know post office but i don't think i have no i don't think i've asked you that yeah we are we are back in way back in the day i remember police officers ended up like questioning you didn't they because you and then i got your dad's and he didn't believe me and he basically sort of said to me i'm gonna look into this more i believe you're lying and if i can't prove that you're not lying then you're gonna get done for wasting police time and

get a lifelong criminal record or you can just pay this 70 quid fine now and it disappears yeah my dad so i'd been mugged and someone took my phone and money in pop will and he yeah because he looked at video stuff and was like heart bollocks and they come to me I lived at my dad's at the time and he come and like

said that to me and my dad in the room went he said Ben Copper mate just fucking pay the fine because he's going to do fuck all to help you like something along those lines in front of him

and I just fucking paid it and then there was 48 other members of Adam's family going yeah fuck off Copper so why was the guy hassling why did he not believe you why would he think you'd make up 48 other members of Adam's family going, yeah, fuck off, copper. So why was the guy hassling? Why did he not believe you? Why would he think you'd make up getting mugged?

So I'd gone in the toilet of a nightclub. I was left on my own in town, which it wasn't uncommon back then because I would just never go home and I'd be the most drunk. So I've been out with him before and he's gone, I'm going home. And you come with me and I've gone, fuck off, no. That's the 50th time I've asked. That's not the most drunk. So I've been out with him before, and he's gone, I'm going home. And you come with me, and I've gone, fuck off, no. That's the 50th time I've asked.

That's not the first time. And then I went into the toilets, and someone took my phone off me. And then, and whatever else. And then I started walking home, and I got to a point where there was a load of scaffolding,

you know when they have like those wooden things around the scaffolding outside like shops. And you're just angry at what's happened. happened so just started booting fuck out the wooden thing and then carried on and as i got a bit further on a police car pulled over and was like are you all right mate i was like i've had me fucking stuff suck off me and i've got no money to get home so i'm walking home and he took me home in the car then when they investigated it they found cctv footage of me booting fuck out of that thing. Right?

And he was like, I think what's happened here is you've realised you've lost your phone and you've taken your anger out on this building. So that's what he thought. And I was like, why would I be walking? Why would I have been walking that far out of town?

I'm 20 minutes out of town at this point. This is why people hate the police because they prefer buildings to black people. Carry on. Black buildings matter. Do you remember the time you took a piss in the middle of a dance floor? Yeah, we've had this story.

Did Milo tell a story? Milo did tell a story, yeah. Do you know what, mate? He talks about that quite a lot, actually. Yeah, I didn't know where the toilet was, and I decided, you know what? This dance floor looks like as good a place. Oh, you fucking animal.

I love it. It's not my proudest moment, but you know what? Once you've done something like that, you've sort of just got to own it, haven't you? Yeah, I did. I felt a sense of pride when I saw you doing it. Because some of the rest of them were like,

what the fuck's he up to? And I was like, just let him do it. Just leave him be. Majestic. You've all got to go through this. And then I was like, I was like a dad. I was like, it's my boy.

There's certain sights in nature that you just have to just quietly, oh, look, Ro's pissing. Shh, shh. Don't scare him off. Shh, shh. But, dee-dee-da-da-da, that's on in the background. It's in the nightclub. Shh, shh, shh. Don't scare him off. Shh, shh. But, diddy-da-da-da,

that's on in the background. It's in the nightclub. Shh, shh. You're disturbing. Shh. Put on the start of Bjorks. It's so, so quiet.

Psss. Psss. It's so, so still. It wasn't, it was fizzy. Hey! Hey! Hey. Hey. Hey. Cheers. It wasn't. It was fizzy. Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Cheers. Cheers to you. It's so good to have you on. You're at Hot Water this weekend. Yeah. With him. Sme-ha-shin.

It's been good. I did last night. Tell you the thing I did last night after it. I did a charity gig. So I got phoned. Justin Morehouse phoned me yesterday and said someone had pulled out of this golf club gig a few live pool players it was i was up in the world and uh fuck me man the money is just unbelievable and uh it's like that kind of thing like i was like kind of going well i do it while i do it and then he told me the fee and i was like

i'll suck them off if you want me to. We've all got a price, haven't we? Oh, God. How much do you dance for? I don't dance. What about for that? Hey! Do you want a costume?

I'm trying to buy. With the music from the Star Wars bar. But yeah, it was great, man. And yeah, so I went on after the auction. I arrived while the auction was going on. And it was a lot of football tops. Did anyone put a bid in for you? Ten pence to the straggly cunt at the end of the bar.

But they were auctioned off tops. They were auctioned off like the usual usual kind of Tyson Fury signed boxing glove And then they auctioned off a Ryan Giggs shirt And I was like no one's going to fucking buy this And it went for like 200 quid And I was like the shame Of someone buying

A Ryan Giggs shirt Which is technically going to be like police evidence at one point It's going to have something on it. Like, so 200 quid in Liverpool for a fucking Ryan gig shirt. That's, uh, yeah.

Yeah. He's, uh, allegedly. I feel like if you're trying to do a fundraiser, maybe do a little bit of a swapsies with some guy in Cheshire or Alderley Edge, a golf club. Cause I feel like you've,

you're trying to sell the wrong shirt at the wrong gig because in the Wirral there's a lot more Liverpool than Everton fans of course there are but that's why it was 200 quid and not 2 grand

yeah and on top of that the domestic violence accusations but there was a there was a allegedly I mean

you say allegedly I'm just saying so we keep our jobs I'm willing to well I've barely got a job so I'm willing to say he's a fucking violent piece of shit oh

because I don't want to dance anymore don't fuck it up for me don't fuck it up for me I don't want to do do do do do do why are you back on the circuit so much Ryan Giggs there was a Ronaldo shot as well

so it was just a big Sex offender night Allegedly Welcome to the sex offender Part of the auction The last auction The last auction Was Sigurdsson's white van

Allegedly. That's why Nelson smashes gigs. Do you know what I always think? Do you know when you're at one of those sportsman's dinners or things like that? I never trust them that the stuff's real. Nah. You're such a suspicious cunt. Yeah.

They've got certificates, though. Yeah, but how do you know that's real? How do you know anything's real, then? Exactly. Exactly. So I'm not paying thousands or hundreds for a Tyson Fury signed glove when I could just get a glove and fucking write Tyson Fury on it myself. You could, yeah.

You could do that now. And when they go, oh, well, there's experts in fucking signature writing who can, like, tell whether it's on a boxing glove. It's not on, like like a flat bit of paper. It's on like across ridges and stuff. I reckon they just do it. They do it with a photo though, don't they? But in theory, you could buy 50 gloves,

get them signed once, take one photograph, and then you've got 50 photographs and then you can be like... Yeah. You know? Have you never had to... Have you... The two of you never had to sign a shitload of stuff?

Like with the merch and stuff? Yeah, the signed posters. The Patreon posts. So if you sign up as a £10 Patreon, thanks Mark. If you sign up as a Patreon at patreon.com.au we give out two posters. Now, the reason sometimes they're a bit slow is because new Stee is taking over

the sending out of those. Also, God Almighty signing 500 posters one after the other is, you know when you're signing and you're like, I mean,

we're not famous, but okay, we'll do it a few times. Literally just sat there like, fucking hell. It's so monotonous. It must just become a squiggle at the end.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the last few, you're sort of like, your arm's just gone. But I mean, back in the day, if you were famous,

that was a touch, wasn't it? Because people wanted to pester you, but all they could get mean back in the day if you were famous that was a touch wasn't it because people wanted to pester you but all they could get is your signature and if you'd not got a penny you're like oh I'm sorry you've missed your opportunity

every cunt's got a phone and every phone's got a camera no exactly yeah yeah yeah so it's just I remember hearing a Kevin Hart story where he was in the bathroom

of a restaurant and as he went into the bathroom some fella was like washing his hands to leave and Kev was like I needed a shit and he the bathroom some fella was like washing his hands to leave and Kev was like I needed a shit and the fella was like can we get a picture

he was like yeah but can you just wait a minute because I'm going to go in there and he said I shut the door on the cubicle and I heard that he didn't leave like the door didn't open and I'm like oh fuck he's waiting in the bathroom for the fucking picture and I was like is he going to I get all anxious while I'm having a shit that he's going to waiting in the bathroom for the fucking picture. And I was like, is he going to,

I get all anxious while I'm having a shit that he's going to come over the cubicle and get a picture of Kevin Hart having a shit, which, by the way, is absolutely what I would have done because who doesn't want that photo? And then he was like, I've got it. He wanted to take the toilet in the bathroom. I was like, man,

why not just go out into the restaurant and take the fucking picture? He's like, it's so weird. Like, have a conversation with me. And then, yeah, we can take a picture at the end, but waiting for me to wipe me bumhole behind a paper-thin wall. People are.

Put your camera out. It's fucking strange. People are fucking mental. We used to, we did a, years ago, there was a five-a-side game that we used to play in Glasgow. And Bridges used to play it. And there was one time we were in the shower afterwards

and a guy had noticed that he was playing and just came up to him both bollock naked and just put his arm around him and went I got a quick picture Kev like that

it was just like that the fuck man just people think who was in the dressing room was it not like a was it someone who played in the game no they were playing

in another game so they'd noticed that he was playing in a pitch across from us and then they came off at the same time and everyone in the showers and he just went up didn't think to wait till after he was maybe dressed oh my god just went up both bollock naked photo don't try and get a selfie don't touch a man when you're naked and they've got your dick unless you're on the only fans but that level people must think they own you like it's how big is Bridges

like because we obviously get a sense that he's like he's fucking massive but in Scotland it's a different level mate this is how big

this is for me as an English actor who comes up to Glasgow there was a run where the Glasgow stand was harder than it's ever been because

Glasgow voted to leave the union and then didn't so that was annoying and then the EU referendum where I think Scotland perceived it as England dragged Scotland out of the EU and then Bridges was doing like a run where he just turned up at the stand yeah and his fans are sound but they are glass fucking weegee and the sentiment was oh so we don't get independence and now these cunts are dragging it and you'd be like you're right and i swear that was the hardest two or three weekend run i've always loved playing the glasgow stand and it got tougher but his fans were just turning up to the glasgow stand because he'd been turning up occasionally they'd got wind of it so just

started to am I making this up no no yeah they did because the hardest thing is he does um kind of work in progress gigs on a Sunday so yeah like Kevin Bridges and Friends yeah and then uh I did it once and it was the day of an old firm game, and it was when Celtic were fucking dominant. The old firm game started at 12, and the gig started at 5. So at 12, because they put it at 12 to stop people drinking, whereas Glaswegians then just go, just go up at 4am and start fucking drinking. It's incredible.

You just see these fucking zombies walking to the ground at midday. And so a load of these fans just went, and I was doing it that day And so a load of these fans just went, and I was doing it that day, and a load of these fans just went, oh, we'll go to the game, get hammered, and then go and see Kev. So he goes on at the start, and then Frankie Boyle came on,

and then he did 20 minutes, and then Bridges did 40, and then I had to do 20 at the end. Oh my God. But it was actually lovely, because there's almost like that kind of trust where they go yeah yeah well if he's pals with kev he must be all right yeah like yeah can i've done it i've said this to you before a top secret in london sometimes if you

close that because you're doubling or whatever with the store or headliners or whatever they've had paul chargey open sean walsh pop in and do 10 and Jack White all do the middle and then you go on at the end and they're like oh we've got a great headliner and when you walk on they go I don't know who the fuck this is

but he must be fucking good if he's headlining this exactly and you sort of get a bit of sort of oh who are you and Bridges although he did 40

he's been on they've seen Bridges and they he's then go I'm sure he said, this next guy is one of my mates and he's fucking brilliant and I asked him down here

because I love watching him. So you walk on and they're like, fucking this guy. No, exactly. That's, that,

when you, when you're on with a, a really famous guy, when they set you up like that, it is a bit easier, isn't it? That's amazing. Like last night,

I was doing the John Bishop support and he's changed it within a week. So last week, he was going on and comparing it like a comedy club and he's gone. Yeah. It's just,

I don't know. It's just a bit harder that way. And we've said it on the podcast loads. There's two ways of doing support. You take the hit, you lose the magic trick of like, ta-da, it's me.

And then help set up the support act. Or you just go off stage. Ladies and gents, welcome on the support act. And then I wandered out and last night was so noticeably tougher than Middlesbrough the week before. Oh, really? They were sound in the end, but they heard John Bishop's voice,

and the next minute they're looking at me. And it makes them go, oh, and you've got to start from there. Whereas what Bridges did with, and I've done a Kevin Bridges and friends, he makes it super sound. Oh, it's amazing, yeah. They've got their feel, and then he's very complimentary and big shot. The hardest one of them I've had,

and I will have told this story before, but you can't help but repeat in the end, was when you come to watch Bill Baird in Glasgow, and we had a pint afterwards, and I opened for him there, and his club soda Kenny was the voiceover guy, and this was the introduction. He goes, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Armadillo here in Glasgow, where tonight we present live in concert, Bill Burr! And they went mental. But first! So, and you might as well say, some cunt you don't know. They were great.

They were great. But when that happened, I was like, yeah. Because they were great it was it was they were great but like when that happened i was like oh yeah because it sounded like it was the introduction ladies we present live in concert bill back do you get asked to support me i imagine you're not people like i said to john bishop i don't i haven't done loads of support you've not done loads I can't imagine loads of people are picking you I don't do it much By the way Hang on

Everyone in the room was like There's a lot of people watching Because Nelson slays That's why A lot of people don't want a great support activity I'm doing a tour show in Glasgow next year. I'm not asking you to support. No offence.

No, but it's weird. Different acts, it becomes... I mean, I've done it. I'm doing Bishop in a couple of weeks, actually. Yeah, yeah. And Manford's always pretty good for it as well. But I did Jim Jefferies' tour years ago, and that was a completely different kettle of fish

because you go on there and people are actually fucking angry that you're on and Jim's not on. So it's like walking into prison for the first day. You need to stamp your authority immediately because it's fucking heckling and booing and shit the minute you walk on is that just because his fans are a bit aggro

yeah and they were just so excited to see Jim and then they go we've got to wait another 20 minutes well this prick does whatever he does did you do a full run of them

or were you I did I did four of them I did all the Glasgow dates and then Newcastle and Newcastle was the worst but the good thing is once you do

get them within the first minute then they settle down and they go Glasgow, Newcastle, Liverpool it's But the good thing is, once you do get them within the first minute, then they settle down and they go. Glasgow, Newcastle, Liverpool, it's all the same. You get two minutes, get them, and you'll have the gig of your life.

Oh, yeah. And don't. And you are packing up air. Yeah. And those tour supports when you win is a really nice feeling because you're like, I started from minus 10 and this has ended with a win.

Like, it's not, there's a lot of gigs, where you walk on, and people are like, I don't know them, give them a try, that's starting at a zero, and then there's some, where they're like,

yay this guy, but support, especially there, that's like starting, from so far behind, and still winning, it's such a good feeling, isn't it?

No, it's lovely, yeah, and it's cool, I mean it's cool to do it, with people you love as well, I did dog stanhope once, supported him, and that was genuinely, like fucking, was that in Edinburgh? It was in Glasgow, I mean, it's cool to do it with people you love as well. I did Dog Stanhope once. Oh, fuck.

And that was genuinely, like, fucking amazing. Was that in Edinburgh? It was in Glasgow. Do you just pick up all these juicy Glasgow gigs? I love it. I just sit by the phone. The thing is, Glasgow is sort of the Scottish place that the Americans do, isn't it?

Very rarely when they do a tour of the UK. They don't do Edinburgh. They do Glasgow. No, they don't do Edinburgh they do Glasgow nah they don't actually it's always Glasgow Manchester London and then maybe

Newcastle as well and maybe Birmingham as well but if they do three dates it's London Manchester Glasgow

Glasgow's fucking massive even bands are like that as well any act it's normally those big three yeah

strange I'd love gigging in glasgow now last few years has been a lot easier it's just that run i was like what have i done i've always i've always loved glasgow and i just think there's sort of a weird connection with scousers and there is i was talking to a guy about this last night as well i think it's like a it'll be it'll be due to do with the docks and all that kind of shit. And fucking... And anti-Tory sentiment running through the whole city. Yeah, big Irish community.

It's like, aye. Have you sorted the drinking rules out, though? What drinking rules? For fuck's sake, you're trying to get shit-faced in Glasgow and everyone gets to three o'clock and you're like, should I go casino? And you're like, no. I want to go to a fucking casino.

Is that the old rules? I just thought you couldn't go drinking anywhere after 3am. But that's not, can you go drinking anywhere here with it after 3am? Oh, aye. Can you? 7 o'clock's the last. Tomorrow night, I'm going to have a pint after the show with Paul Blair and Paul Smith. You can come out with us if you want to.

And if you get home at 3am, then you have a nice early night. The thing with 7am is then the pub's open again at 10 o'clock so you've got 3 hours there's probably like 3 hours in a day

when you can't drink in Liverpool you just need 3 hours a park bench and you're back at it because that's what I hate that's what I hate about gigging in London

awful horrendous and you can't get food either so I just assumed the rest of England was like that oh drinking in Manchester

at Liverpool Leeds so much more fun, drinking in Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds, so much more fun than drinking in London. Yeah. Where after a gig you go, where should we go? And they're like, ah, it's a members club and we're only allowed one guest. And you're like, so where's the fun bars? Like, meh, meh, meh.

You can get lucky with a hotel bar in London. Aye. That's it. I remember that. You've got to go back to your hotel and just say to them, what time's the bar shut? Three. At three o'clock, can I give you 50 quid to

have 50 quids worth of booze that you'll still give me after you shut? Yeah. I remember after a weekend at the store in London and me and Ben Norris were desperately wanting to go for a drink afterwards and we went out with two of the door guys,

and the only place we could find was a strip club. And I remember sitting there thinking, getting pissed, going, if we were all 21, this would be fucking amazing. But as it is, we're all guys in our mid-30s, Norris is sitting there texting his wife about the kids in the mall, and you're going, there's a Hungarian woman hassling me. Where are you, babe? Just a little eatery.

This isn't the Sinatra Dean Martin experience I expected it to be. Texting your missus. Are they having a rough night's sleep? All right, get your tits away. The boy's being a cunt again. Can you just give me a... Oh, your nipples just sent a WhatsApp message. I mean, they're impressively large, though. Thank you.

Where was she from? That was my Bulgarian. That was Bulgarian? Yes. Yeah? I love Bulgaria. I'm from Sofia. Is it...

That's... You've had a dance, haven't you? What are... You've had... What? You've had strip dances, haven't you? No. I've been to stri it that's you've had a dance haven't you what you've had what i've had strip dances haven't you no i've been strippers you've never had a dance i i once in prague we were there was like a it wasn't a private dance i like the big ones i was 23 and the girl was they were just all greasy men and she made eye contact with me all the strippers the way you said that was all the strippers were greasy sure this wasn't a kebab show i'm into some weird things i was like where are the strippers like all the girls the donna meat was just you're like oh that's just one good dancer that's just one fat check

man like you're like this um no there was a very attractive young lady. She was really cute and they were really gross. Like, you know in films or music videos where there's like a, like there's a gross old man. Yeah, yeah. And I am now.

Basically, I'm that guy now. But 17 years ago, I was the young, and she made eye contact with me for someone to dance with that wasn't like, and I blushed and giggled and she made eye contact with me for someone to dance with that wasn't like and I blushed and giggled

and I made her giggle we just had a moment where we went because she was trying to be like I'm sexy and I was like I'm awkward

and then I giggled and she giggled and I audibly heard an old guy go oh for fuck I'm here because that's not the point is it two young people

making each other giggles not what does it for him but so I can't do i find it i naked women are great and i'm pro whatever you want to do sex worker dancer stripper i couldn't give a shit i just can't detach from the reality of being like i'd just say something awkward or try and make a joke. I'm just, I'd cringe. That, to me, is not sexy. What I can't do is handle the fakeness of it. So we were talking in the break before about, like,

you know when someone's fake nice to you? Yeah. Like, it happens every now and then in comedy. You see someone you haven't seen for, like, a year, and you're not really mates, but they like to pretend that you are. I'm like, hey, man, I haven't seen you in ages. How's it going? Like, I can't really handle that, because I'm like, you're just being a knob.

Yeah. We both know you don't like me that much, right? And it's the same thing with strippers. When this woman with, like, this, like, unbelievable body comes over to you and she's making out like she'd love nothing more in the world than to fuck me just because she wants 11 quid

for me to go in that room for one song it's cheap dance again you're tuesday morning 11 quid you're giving a pound every time i don't talk about strippers they sound so budget come on love i've paid for parking and i've got child care to do give us 11 quid two fivers and 520p That's fucking dumb That's some sexy bastard you You said Dan you said that thing like You know in music videos Where they've got a greasy

Grotesque man Like it's every That's a regular trope You know In music videos I've never seen that in any music No Now I'm saying it

I'm not sure I have But I sort of know the imagery I can't The Spice Girls 2 become 1 That's not very good But can we get the big fat cunt In right now saying it i'm not sure i have but i sort of know the imagery the space girls to become one that's already good but can we get the big fuck every girl band video ruined they represent the patriarchy

crazy iranian dude what films at the end i don't think it's oh i'm sorry i'll just check my crazy Iranian dude what film what film at the end as well what films at the end I don't think it's oh I'm sorry I'll just check my encyclopedic

encyclopedic anyone said it wrong no one was listening I don't I don't know I'm sure I have an idea of

what I'm thinking about it might just be some terrible porn I've seen this is why I love the amateur porn because you can tell I like it. It's just like the fake porn even doesn't do it for me. I'm like, oh, my God, I feel good.

Is it, though? You look dead behind the eyes. Oh, my God. I'm like, maybe you're Matthias Reiden. Put the dick in my mouth. Stop it. Sorry. I like the amateurs who in my mouth. Stop it. Sorry. I like the amateurs who are like, get on this.

Yeah. Oh, fucking brilliant. Much better than that. I love it when they're like, this is my hobby. Brilliant. This is what we do on a Saturday night. We go to a travel lodge and make content. Who with?

Anyone that can hear me from the window love it i haven't been tested i don't give a shit i love the game love it that's what i'm into i don't want to say i don't even like the idea of the being like a sound man do you know what i've started like as a little porn thing hang on no no no, you have to say that a little bit louder pickle Sorry, can we just try sucking the dick again? Love can you give me a mic test on the gobble? Yeah, get the boom mic out of the spot Sorry

Sorry Is that as loud as you're going to do it? We need to get the level Right we're going to have to have a pick up on the gobble Has there been any COVID themed porn yet? I've seen some mask wearing porn Have you? Yeah

Some COVID mask wearing porn I would suggest it's not the most fun. No. Trying to have a blowjob that's COVID safe. Yeah, I've seen a little bit of it, but it's not, I like the old pre-COVID. Yeah.

10 men in a small room and a lady. That was official government policy at one point. Yeah. Was to, you could only, you couldn't kiss. You could, they were advising you to do doggy style. And like, if you weren't from the same house, like it was.

Yeah. I remember Matt Hancock talking about that on one of the down the street briefings. He did? He didn't say doggy style. Yeah. No, he said, he said the missionary position is not advisable because your faces are too close together. So you'd have to try other ones.

He was basically saying... Bum and Edding. He said the missionary position... Is not advisable. Right. Because of how close your faces are. Unless you're fucking someone so much smaller than you, and then they're a bit further down.

Other options. Reverse cowgirl. It's COVID safe. Yeah. The balls on fucking Matt Hancock like coming out and telling people

not to have sex when 10 minutes ago he's been fucking railing his aid over his desk like I mean what I mean you've got to

respect the man I bet and he didn't resign immediately he tried to cling on like two days and he's like nah I think I can

rat this out Boris is like come on man you're fine absolutely fine you fucking rat but yeah government advice

at one point is that bumming is safe Matt Hancock missionary I've googled hands face bum

hands face the wall take it in your ass not on google for missionary no I believe you nothing nothing came up

nothing came up look it was it's a fact in your mind it's one of Adam's mind facts it's a fact and you can't

show me the printout where I'm wrong so therefore I'm right what films have got the greasy men in tell me now what year were they released ah you said it'm right. What films have got the greasy men in? Tell me now.

What year were they released? Ah, he said it wrong. Wrong year. Dan, have you got the book? What? Let's see what Mark's position is. Oh, yeah. Mark, what's your birthday?

19th of November. So this is a position of the day. So this is what you should try and get the old missus into on your birthday. That's what it's for. Carl's mum's birthday is the dog on the chair. Nice. Nice to know. Martin Elson's sexual position of the day is the sun salutation.

Oh, you're good. Sun salutation. Nice. I hear someone from Scotland has a position called the sun salutation. Lady missionary? Oh, November 20th is... Didn't you say the 17th? 19th.

19th. Sorry. Do you want to cut that out? No. Is that a no fact? I got it wrong? You fucking did. Show me your birth certificate.

November the 20th is the... Whee! What is she doing here, though? That's for paedophiles. Because I assume this is the woman. Whose leg is that? Is that his leg? It's like a woman missionary, isn't you know she's on top of mom yeah but where is this like why she got a leg coming out of her back it's not an arm that's an arm no no no that's his leg

oh that's oh hang on is she about to punch his head oh they're scissoring they're scissoring and he's inside her looks like an arm bar oh i. That's how you lose a dick. Yeah. Yeah, this is good for the audio listeners. If you listen to an audio, it doesn't look possible. No. We'll see about that. Finn, when's your birthday? 23rd of September. 23rd of September.

Oh, this is a good one. 23rd, September 23rd. The bummer edding. Oh, my God. The bummer. Yeah, yeah. What's it? what's the one on 9-11

I didn't think of that the tower please did you just think out loud imagine if it is I mean

the people who wrote the book won't have done that see if it's called the flaming afghan I will fucking die the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the that see if it's called the flaming afghan i will fucking die the ah

the falling man could you talk us through the flaming afghan could you give us a you just literally take your dick and then just ram it

in the side of her leg yeah yeah and then do the next one yeah yeah try and go for a dead leg with your dick and an hour and a half later she falls over

and you're like that dick can't have caused that someone's weakened your ankles and three doors down someone else falls over and no one knows why an internal planned explosion of cum. I'm not joking. I'm going to show you something here. I think someone's fucking around here.

The only, look at how entwined all these positions are. They're absolutely, literally, everyone's everywhere. Yeah. September the 11th

is the happy existentialists and it's just two people lying down straight. No, he's in an ass there. I know, but they're just two that are lying on the ground. Yeah, but if this was like a flick book, you'd see that he's like pumping as well.

It's the symbolism. It's a tribute to the fallen. Oh, yeah. Turn it sideways. Yeah, I see what you mean. Two dollars. Good. Good. Thanks for Turn it sideways. Yeah, I see what you mean. Two towers. Good. Good. Thanks for clearing it up. Thanks for clearing it up.

I was helping Mark. He couldn't see it. None more of that. Sounds great. 9-11 Sex Expeditions covered. Yeah. Tick. Tick.

That's what Mark travelled here to talk about. Definitely. What's happening, guys here to talk about. Definitely. What's happening, guys? It's sponsor time, as always. And this week, it's parcelstation.co.uk. If you work for or run a company that likes to send some shite to your customers, you might be able to save a little bit of money

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You've got a podcast, haven't you, Mark? I do, yes. Funny you should mention that. I do. I've only done about, I think I've done eight episodes so far. It's called My Perfect Playlist.

It's a little bit of music. Yeah? So your guest comes on with their perfect playlist? Yeah, it's not like, Playlist it's all about music yeah so you guys comes on with that perfect playlist yeah it's not like it was a thing I did I did it on Facebook

a couple of years ago where I would ask like questions on a Friday about like what do you reckon if I'm making up a playlist what do you reckon

is the best album opening song of all time and all this kind of shit and I would make these playlists and I thought we're well into it and shit so I was like might as well do a podcast about it so it's all it's all that it's not like just like what's your 10 favorite songs yeah everyone's got a different category right okay and it's good man because it's like the songs are now just a jumping off point

to talk to people that i like yeah yeah and yeah. And folk have been, like, well-intrigued. Folk have properly opened up on it as well. Like, really deep, meaningful shit on it. So it's been great. I've loved it, man. And it's on Spotify, Apple, everywhere? It's on Everson. Right.

Absolutely Everson. But not YouTube yet? No. No. But everywhere else. All podcast platforms. So check that out. YouTube's difficult because I'm riding the line of how much of the

songs i'm allowed to play so i'm like yeah yeah yeah so we got copyright struck by the wwe on the live show here comes the money was my walk-on song fuck i mean we weren't going to make any money off that video anyway, but it's just funny. The YouTube algorithm picked it up. Oh, my God. Oh, three songs instantly. No, no, no. Shit. Yeah.

So fucking Shane McMahon was just like, off. I had to punch Zed in. Yeah, he emailed. Coming on to wrestling music is the best to come on to, man. Like, one time I'm going to have the balls to come onto Sexy Boys. Shawn Michaels. Shawn Michaels.

I'd fucking love to come on. And a proper shit, like, Tuesday night Spiky Mike gig. Just come on like that. Oh, oh, Shawn. I think I'm cute. When no one else has got a walk-on song. You just demand it. Spiky Mike's like, we don't do that here.

You're like, well, I'm fucking not going on them mate so you've really misjudged Spalding in South Lincolnshire they're not they're not this kind of crowd

choosing your own walk on music feels like a really fun thing when you're younger in comedy and then you realise it's utterly fucking

pointless at circuit gigs just go out do the job you're like oh my intro's going to be this like work on your set dickhead yeah yeah but at the podcast live shows it's fucking great what is your walk-on song of choice if if you get it at a big show though so let's say you're doing like you're doing a big show big theater show everyone's got a walk-on song it doing a big show, big theatre show. Everyone's got a Warhunt song. It's a big compilation show. What songs do you want?

Genuinely, you know at the live show when we did Let Me Clear My Throat? Yeah. I love that. I love the joke of, not a hip-hop, like clearly fucking this. Like P. Diddy, Bad Boy For for life i asked them at the glee to play that for my walk-on song because i thought everyone would be like this guy's not a fucking bad boy for life in it and everyone was like who the fuck do you think you are like actually made the gig harder for 30 seconds and the sound tech was like yeah that's why we don't

we just play our music yeah i think that I think at the live show for the pod when I come out to DJ Cool yeah let me clear my throat everyone's like oh yeah Dan's a knobhead

hey like everyone like so I don't know it depends yeah when I was young I thought something like the Foo Fighters would be great

banana banana and then you realise that no one it doesn't no one gives a shit what I do like doing is the if you owned a comedy club

what would be your song that you played like just the tonic in Nottingham and Leicester plays Sympathy for the Devil famously that's

if you're a regular there you know the lights change and then please let me and then you know that that's coming you know they play the full song

and it's the start of the show so I like doing that Ka-cheese have you seen it? And then, please let me, and then you know that that's coming. You know, they play the full song and it's the start of the show. So I like doing that. Cachese. Have you seen it? Oh, by Audioslave? Yeah. Fucking great, yeah.

That's so... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I could really... If you had a great sound, man, ladies and gents, welcome to Nightingale's Chuckle and Fuck Hut. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Is that like a Two for one ticket Do you Well it's my gay content

Isn't it I've got to think about that It's not just about Live tickets anymore Adam Let me tell you about The industry What I'm trying to do Is build my live performances

But also I need a studio For my gay only fans You do Just a little bit of wanking Ladies and gentlemen It's early evening On a Tuesday night Welcome to

Nightingale's Chuckle and Fuck Hut Ladies and gentlemen, it's early evening on a Tuesday night. Welcome to Notting Hill's Jocklin' Fucker. Stay around for the late show. It's not for everyone. Little bit of wanking. Slagging off gay guys. I would go with gorillas now. Yeah, I think. Feel good.

Yeah, so, you know, because there's a laugh at the start of it. So we used to run a show together and it was a gong show and what we'd do is was we'd play and then drop the light and then as he goes feel good

turn the lights off and black the room out I only just found out it was feel good I thought it was I didn't even realise that yeah that was I think that's I don't like hey yeah. Yeah, that was...

I think that's... I don't like Hey Ya, and it's ruined the song for me. John Blue. Yeah, that was Baby Blue's one, wasn't it? Hey Ya, yeah. And the stand is Reed Petit. Reed Petit, yeah.

Yeah. Hot Waters is Place Your Hands. Yeah. Rawhide used to be Rawhide. Clever. Clever. The Frog and Bucket is D-Lite. Groove is in the heart.

Yeah. Oh, no no it's not That's part of their 10 minute It's part of their 10 minute running That's the start of it When you hear

Boom Boom Do do do do do Do do do One of the comedias Pretty good I don't know what it is It's like a dance song

Right I can't even think What it goes like now I love it how comedy clubs Are like We'll really have to Think about it Because if I owned a club

I really would think about that Yeah If I owned a club I might sing it every time yeah yeah yeah adam's not even on but he's got to be here for eight o'clock please let me introduce myself i'm a triathlete and i've got a big dick Didn't Hot Waters used to be Bublé before you changed it Yeah Oh that's good yeah

Ladies and gentlemen Please welcome to the stage your host and copy Oh my My wife admitted this to me Like about three years after we got married. She said she almost booked a Michael Bublé tribute act at our wedding. And the idea was that she was like,

you know how you love Michael Bublé? And I was like, no. I've literally never mentioned his fucking name in this house. And the idea was he was going to come out and sing a song just to me as i sat on a seat with everyone at the wedding looking around and i was like in what small part of your brain did you ever think this would be a me getting a lap dance by some fat glaswegian cunt in a tuxedo pretending to be michael bu it's the weirdest fucking thing

I've ever heard in my life I know you well enough to know the secret you'd be loving that I mean I'd like hello my name's Mickey Bubbles

play me good look at me Mac and let me play among this eye contact Jesus strangers Look at me, Mark! And let me play among the... Eye contact. Jesus.

Strangers in the night. Get to your foot. I fucking did it. Maui! Get some piss head from one of the All day karaoke's in Mark Because you love alcohol We've got this guy

Who's riddled Congratulations To fucking Mark A long long time ago I can't stand it I genuinely love to I can't get the thoughts out of my head

of what your face would have been as your wife stood there like I did it for you the real one was busy you're just like I just sat down in a kilt was busy you're just like oh a lockdown

she sat down in a kilt in a fucking box I'm taking my tile wrapping it around my head shall we do shall we do some questions

and a couple of other words this is from Daniel says wag wag Shall we do some questions and a couple of have a words? This is from Daniel. It says, wag wag. I've just found out P. Diddy dated his son's ex-girlfriend. And I thought, I'm going to email have a word. P.S. I'd love to know what newspaper you take in the morning.

I've just found out P. Diddy dated his son's ex-girlfriend. Do you think when you break up with someone, they are completely off the table for all that know you? If so, where's the line? Nice one. Dan. I think the line is sucking your dad's dick. I think your ex-girlfriend sucking your dad's dick is a problem.

Oh, I thought that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to go, that's kind of a line for life to be honest just find out P. Diddy dated his son's ex-girlfriend Adam's where your line

sucking my dad's dick there's no real sucking my dad's dick is the line there the last one's explained I'm as easy going as the next line

I'll fucking draw the line yeah my dad's dick in my mouth once someone has fathered me I just think from then on

I'm not going to suck his dick that was so irrelevant to what the question was yeah so if you oh actually do you know what I don't even agree

with what I was trying to say so if you and Sam split up and your dad six months down the line like Adam I've got something

to tell you lad no here's the thing down he's still wearing the lanyard it's hard for me to i know that you're not gonna suck my dick turn that bottle around as well they don't fucking pay us it's hard for me to sort of say it about sam because i'm still with her and in love with her so it's hard for me to separate it but once you've broken up certainly for me with my past exes once you've broken up you're not in love with them anymore and if if they want to have a go on my dad and he's up for it i'm not going to stand in their way all three of them at the same time right i think i think that is theoretically right but i don't if you turn up for sunday dinner at your dad's and you knew your brother was going to be there and then your dad's there

and you're taking sam and he's decided to surprise you and then my ex-girlfriend your ex-girlfriend is just sat there like adam it's lovely to see you again we've got some news i don't think you're going to be tickled pink i'll be there do you know all i'd be pissed off about is that he didn't want me till i got there i'd be like do you know what he didn't warn me until I got there. I'd be like, do you know what? You've got to give me a day there. You've just got to give me 24 hours to process it.

Tell me, tell me girlfriend, oh, by the way, my dad's banging me ex now. She's going to be there. She's going to be passing you the roasties. Yeah. No.

Also, the biggest shock of all of this would be that my dad's made a roast tonight. Never mind that, dad. Are these Yorkshire puddings? Alright, Jade. You know, the oven's working, is it, dad? Jesus.

Oh, that made me sweaty sweaty all the things we've said today that's made me well i i genuinely think when when you've had a serious relationship with someone like with your mates you'd be like lads could you just sniff around one of the other three and a half billion women it it genuinely does depend on how close i am to that mate and the closer i are the closer i am the more i said it wrong the the the the more distinct the line is do you know i mean he can't sleep with any of my ex-girlfriends again again we've spoke about it or your dad you can't you can't suck his dad's dick that's the line no but no we've said this before if he turned out to be gay and my dad was looking to you know get involved before you know father time takes him away and he wants to experience it and you just want to crack on i could live with that that's a hell of a bucket list isn't it see niagara falls

suck calls knob that is a bot list. Yeah. What I'm saying is, like, I've got mates who, if they're a distant mate who I see a couple of times a year, who I'm genuinely friends with, I'm not talking about acquaintances. Nah, you, nah. I could be like, do you know what?

They're not in me life enough for it to bother me. Give me some context. Name a mate who could be. Fitzy. Yeah, guys. In the weeds a little bit here, though, you know, because we're naming could be. Fitzy. Yeah, guys. In the weeds a little bit here, though, you know, because we're naming mates that no one knows. Josh.

No. No. You. No. What about Petey? Petey. What about Steve Thorpe? What about Bazo?

What about Ginge? Would you reckon Ginge? Danny. What about Amadeus? What about Deshawn? Danny I could put up with he's a mate he's genuinely my mate

that's fair enough but he's not is that Cameron I'm not as close to him as I am to Josh yeah I just I don't know I think there's just

go with someone else there's so many more yeah I get it but like love is love and you can't stop it what about you know if you and your

missus split up and you've got kids and in theory they're living with her because obviously yeah you know

because they're not coming down to do hot water with you are you yeah we have I have the kids every weekend

well that's a cunt because I'm a good comedian like I'd like to thank Mark Nelson and his two kids at the back I forgot sweeties

if Laura left if Laura's gone why's she gone? Because she's fucking one of my mates. Yeah. As long as there wasn't like an element of betrayal. John Chessington.

At least I'd know that the guy that was living with my kids was a mate and was sound. I wouldn't be ecstatic. He's not your mate anymore though. Does it make it different if she's had an affair with him? Yeah.

Or have you split up, it's been a while, and then one of your pals gets with her. Yeah, okay. I don't want there to be any betrayal, because then it's got to be revenge. Yeah. And that's...

What type of revenge are you talking? Are you going to shag one of your family members? No, I'm going to get one of their... I don't know. What do you mean? What do you think of my arse? All right, all right. So I, yeah.

Or just make one of them suck your dad's dick. No, I don't know. What do you mean? What do you think of my arse? All right, all right. So I, yeah. Or just make one of them suck your dad's dick. No, I don't know. I think if there'd been a bit of a break and then she was like, I've got some news. I'm with Barry Dodds. I'd be like, that is uncomfortable to think about. But at least I know Barry's sound. Do you know?

Would you be his closer friend with him though? If you knew he was? I suppose it might affect the relationship a little bit. Where you're like, you he's like yeah how's the podcast i'm like yeah how's the parapod uh film tour going and how's fucking my ex-wife yeah yeah yeah i suppose it would yeah it might if you say it like that it would it would send a message that you've still got you're still quite disgruntled about the whole situation. I'll fuck my wife. I'll ask. Just, yeah. Ideally someone else though, innit?

I just think any of your friends, distant or close, just fucking do something else. Yeah, I know. But there's certain friends I've got that don't owe me as much loyalty as me close ones do. And I think that's where the grey area is. I don't even think it's loyalty, is it?

It's just, don't be a dick. It's just a code. Yeah's just a code yeah yeah i know i know but like where does that code end is it anyone you've ever met is it anyone you've ever been for a pint with on their own is it anyone you've ever been for a pint within a group what what makes them friend enough phone number in the phone i have you got the phone number in the phone and then you do know them well danny mcnally texted me before and it come up as his number because I've got his number, so he can shag whoever he wants, probably. What happens if someone,

like a friend shags someone in your family? Is that the same, different? No, that's fine. Fine? Yeah. I'm fine with that as long as I know that they're not a rat because I've got mates who are proper love rats

and it's just who they are and it's audible and whatever, but they're still me mates because I've known them longer than they've been and it's just who they are and it's horrible and whatever but they're still me mates because I've known them longer than they've been like that but I would never let one of them go near a cousin do you know what I mean who I'm close with

a cousin I couldn't give a fuck about but I'm close with me cousins there's a few cousins I'd actually encourage to go there sister sisters he's close with his cousin like a sister are you talking about Dolly in my head I'm saying Dolly

yeah Dolly's very happily engaged and to be married and all that yeah my mates should not I'm not the like

it's not my style but my mates were not to go I know she was three years younger but like if we got to 21 and she

my sister was 18 that wasn't nah it's not that would cause an issue dolly dolly's only nine months younger than me any just it's not even about the age yeah not your sister come fuck off just go on like that's not yeah but again i'd probably be more like that when i was 21 and she was 20 but now that you're getting to sort of 30-odd and your mates should be stopping fucking around as much and maybe they're looking for something, then I can live with that. I don't want one of my mates,

like, let's call her my sister because I treat her like that. I don't want my mates to shag my sister and never see her again. But if they wanted to go out and give her relationship a go, and by the way, her fiancé, Luke, is a really good friend of mine and I hope none of this ever comes to fruition yeah and i hope no one you know shags adam's dad as well because that's an awkward one as well isn't it not even women no i mean none of you by the way if you're a 10 pound page and and you're yeah i'll arrange it if you if you d if you dm us on Patreon I put a picture on Instagram

with my dad yesterday he's a handsome fella and do you know what he's a lovely man if you're sort of let's say 40 and over because he's 60

so that's a big enough drop off 40 and over I'd say probably like 85's the upper limit I don't want him banging 90 year olds I don't think we've got many 90 year old patrons

anyway 10 pound patrons you've got a good pension haven't you? I don't spend on heating. It's very expensive. But I am a £10 patron, for heaven's sake. This is the best value patron I've ever heard.

Yeah, you can shag me that. For £10. I'll at least offer them. You've got to send some pictures. I don't mean of your face. I mean of your face in good lighting. Yeah. Yeah. Tweet them in. Yeah. Yeah.

Tweet them in. Yeah. No. No, this is a private thing. Email in to haveawaypod.gmail.com Yeah, this is a private thing. Know some boundaries, guys.

No, no one's seen this. haveawaypod.gmail.com and make the subject Adam's dad's dick. We're playing with a selfie. Pin my dad. You've already got one.

Somehow. Talking about love rats. Should we do a have a word? Because it's the name of the program, isn't it? People send in these things and we try and help and we don't.

You know what? I've decided today I'm going to actually say what I feel. Regardless of what it is, I'm going to tell the truth. I'm going to say it how it is. Just be funny.

Oh my days. My fella's a regular listener of the podcast and I need you to have a word with him because he might actually listen to you or have a word with me if you think I'm overreacting. We've been dating for two years now and in those two years

he slept with three other women. Let me just those two years, he slept with three other women. Let me just get this out. He slept with three other women. The second time was when he got a blowjob off my cousin. There's the other one. And the third was another random girl who he fingered on the dance floor at Pop World. I've tried confronting him about it,

and his reasoning is it's because since the start of our relationship I have been on several different prescriptions for panic attacks and anxiety and he says my anxiety has had a negative impact on him and that is why

he does this stuff with other women and that it's not even proper sex so it's not cheating am I right to feel put out by him and the other girls does he have a point and i'm just overreacting that's from a lady i think she needs to chill out yeah love just do you know what i mean more prescription probably i think it's you isn't it oh no that's right he is the biggest rat bag in the land

fuck yeah he has managed in some way or another to fuck finger wise finger fuck three

different women and convince another woman that it's her fault to smoke at the pipe of the face can you imagine

like catching your boyfriend fingering someone on the dance floor of pop world and be like I've had a really hard time since

you've been having these panic attacks yeah you're having another one now aren't you I bet you're having another one now and who's fault's that

cha cha cha mate that's for you what a dirt bag leave this man red flags everywhere yeah you

like there's not really much we can say about this. It's so unbelievably obvious. Leave him now. Yeah. And shag as many people who know and love him as you can.

And Adam's dad, if you sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod, £10 patron. You should also try and get this guy a good kick in as well. Yeah. If you're a £5 patron yeah yeah oh no i think the three pounders deserve a go to cheat on someone and gaslight them and say it's their fault

well to be fair like what a cunt that guy is a listener so he is genuinely listening to this like mate if you want to fuck around and you're young fuck around but stop dragging her around with you and then being a douche and trying to blame her. Like, if you, like, I was young and I was a right pest. Go and be a pest.

But then you don't get someone to have a cuddle with on a Sunday morning because you're feeling hungover and be like, babe, could you get me a pack of cheddars? Just, like,

if you want to be a sex pest and go shagging, then do that. Just don't drag someone else. We should define sex pest, yeah. No, I just mean, I just mean a shagger, a fucking shagger. You can't then be like,

you're about to like a girlfriend as well. And think, like, mate, who's written in? Yeah, make your own bacon butties, is what we're saying, lad. Yeah, and then go and finger loads of people on the dance floor of Pop World if they've consented. And if Adam's in, Nicky's wallet as well. Yeah, and then finger him

because the police Won't believe him Why were you Kicking the fuck Out of a scaffolding I got fingered Of course you did Sounds like you

Fingered yourself Men were angry about it Where did you finger My dirty pocket Oh dear That's from before That's where he found The wallet

But please leave him yeah mate you seem like a nice girl you guys split up please yeah split up and save both of your mental health

in two years we're like we stayed together because it said it was my fault for writing an email and now I've had a kid get in nowhere this is another

relationship one ready how long have you been with your Mrs. Mark just before we carry on married for 10 years this November 13 years total

I think muscle tough yeah you are Jewish right yeah very very very

very Jewish traditionally Jewish really Hasidic Hasidic really Hasidic Hasidic yeah Hasidic not an alkaline Jew

let it hang let it hang oh Mark Mark you've got to let those hang you can't laugh at them I can't stop I thought

I thought Adam's alkaline joke was the best like it really didn't get what it deserved it fucking did fucking jar Colby there mate a lot of Jews

in Dumfries big Jewish community can't move can't move for synagogue big Jews they call it

the Palestine of the South Adrian's wall I'll show you a fucking wall Oh hi I'm having a good time Wagwag Lids Got something I need you to answer

As it's driving me insane Been with my girlfriend Since the start of lockdown And didn't really See each other much Through it I got emotional there. You were late?

Yeah. I've got to be honest with you. Yeah, I've done nothing when I'm looking at you, but I'm not listening. I know. Start this one again. But, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.

It's been a long pod. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Wag, wag lids. Got something I need you to answer, as it's driving me insane. Been with my girlfriend since the start of lockdown and didn't really see each other much through it. One major thing is she has never slept with anyone before.

We are both early 20s. I'm 21. She's 20. Thanks for getting specific. And I'm starting to get the feeling there's something wrong. We have done things with each other. They've done bits. They've done bits.

And each time we try to take it further, we stop. I'm going to read this verbatim. As her pump pump is too tight and begins to hurt her and i obviously don't want to do that whilst trying to get her in the mood really need some tips on what i can do already tried asking her what she's into but she hasn't really tried anything before she doesn't know herself do i need to have a word or do you need to have a word with me i need need help here, lids. It's from Sam. Fingerblanging. He's trying that and it's too tight.

Try more fingers. Less, you mean. It's hurting with one. Oh, right. He needs to buy some lube, don't he? Yeah, that was good. He's got lube stir. Yeah.

Or a vice. No, not a vice. What's the opposite? Jesus Christ. Stirrups. Is that what it is opposite Jesus Christ stirrups is that what it is yeah stirrups by stirrups

that's your advice to someone with a tight vagina trying to help you're trying to help are you yeah okay

what's your advice blow on it blow on it a shoe hole a wand blow on it a magic spell no you know when you can't get like she just fell over and scratched her knee you know when you're in year 3 no Blow on it. A shoehorn. A wand. Blow on it. A magic spell.

No, you know when you can't get... Like she just fell over and scratched her knee. You know when you're in year three? No. I know what you mean, but you can't get a plastic bag open. Never bring kids into it. I was just about to blow on an imaginary vagina and then you were mentioning year three.

Don't blow on it if it's bad to me. No, no. You know when you're trying to get a bag open, you're like... Oh, yeah. Lick the corner. Then you rustle it. Yeah, but...

You never usually cut your arm and you get told to blow on it when you were a kid.. Then you rustle it. Yeah, but you never usually cut your arm and you get told to blow on it when you were a kid. Come on, blow on it. Right. So she should blow on it, Fanny. Are you saying she should blow on it? I'm saying like that. I'm doing a simile for joke purposes.

I was doing another simile that made more sense. The bag one. Yeah, I liked it. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it. Thanks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I liked it. I like it as well. Why would you blow on your arm with it? When I was a kid, if I caught something like... It's not a fucking Nintendo game.

That would have worked. That's in the bag. Okay. Here we go. Let's do it again. Let's just... Let's learn from it as podcasters. You've got yours, we've got ours. So let's do it again. So her pump- let's learn from it as podcasters. You've got yours, we've got ours.

So let's do it again. So her pump-pump is too tight and begins to hurt her and I obviously don't want to do that whilst trying to get in the mood. Really need some tips on what I can do. Do I need to have a word

or do you need to have a word with me? I need help here, Lids, from Sam. Blow on it. You like a bag? No, like a... Nintendo game. Yes! Yes. Yes!

Yes! Yes! Vaginismus! What's that flag for? Vaginismus. It's going nowhere, isn't it? You need to pass it on to a micro-dicker. You're too big, my friend.

Sam, you dick too big. This is Adam's... are his fingers too big what they've done bits they haven't even tried to have sex yeah they've done bits

no we've done things to each other every time we try and take it further we have to stop as her pum pum is too tight

oh she needs a less endowed gentleman so you're offering to shag this woman it worked it worked it worked

yeah you need you need lube you need lube millennium lube's good innit you like a millennium lube millennium lube and some relaxing music

whale music. I don't think making women think about whales. Woo! Woo! That's an owl. Shit, I can't do a whale. Woo! That is a dying cow.

Now do an African dying cow. Oh, shit, that was good. Happened to be a whale. Yeah. I think we're doing it. Google that. Google laughing. I think we're back to arthritis.

Yeah, it's a tricky one, isn't it? Like, this can can happen can't it Some young girls before they've I'm not going to say that Before they've had sex Can you know have tightness issues And they just need to wake up Utterly butterly

I use boot trees with new footy boots Do they exist It's called a boot tree You put them inside and it keeps it loose all week. Lovely imagery. Thank you. See your face to it. It's got a boot tree up.

Put a boot tree up. Yeah. It worked for my preds. Yeah, so just go down to DW Sports with your girlfriend. I think you know why I'm here. Yeah. And ruin a shop assistant's day. Lad, I got a question

so I'm 16 you know the first job I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16

I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I'm 16 I helps. I just think relaxing. Just getting relaxed. What relaxes a young lady? It's not worried, is it? I think she might be tense. No, if Fanny isn't worried.

No, I think there might be like a, ooh, put the heating up. Warm everything up. Whale music. Get in the bath. Heating up. Whale music. Just take her to SeaWorld.

Flowing in with the whales. It's warm in SeaWorld. Always warm at the aquarium. Fucker at the aquarium. Honestly. Do they have whales in the aquarium? How big is it? They don't fucking whale.

Whales aren't much. That's a big tank, isn't it? Blue Planet Aquarium. Shag it much. That's a big tank, isn't it? Blue Planet's aquarium. Shag it there. There you go. Sorted. The most relaxing thing you can do is have a bath, I think. With a whale?

As I suppose you could. Get in the water at the aquarium. Sorry, go. I don't think you can put... I don't think you can put a woman in water and then play whale music because that's going to make her feel very self-conscious. It is.

Yeah, it is. Go, because she'd be like a whale. wouldn't she feel self-conscious at the aquarium if she was naked in the water and everyone was looking anyway yeah i don't think don't play the music yeah go out of term time as well it's an extreme solution like there must be something easier than dipping this girl into the aquarium tank and fucking her in front of a group of kids

visiting. That's so relaxed, yeah? Ignore them! Tell you what, I know women and I've got a day pass to the aquarium. This has been a stupid stupid, and I've got a day pass to the aquarium, so... This has been a stupid, stupid episode, and I've had a wonderful time. A whale of a time?

Yes. Well done. That was good. Telly, you're getting telly. Makes sense. Get P. Diddy to fuck her. This ain't going nowhere Going nowhere Your pom-pom's too tight

So it's going up your ass Bring in the whales Why can't I do a whale? Boom boom One of the fastest growing uk podcasts have a word where can we find you i've laughed too much where can we find you on the internet i don't have a website or anything so i have a twitter account martin nelson comic and all the shit will be on there.

Mark Nelson Comic. Okay. And my perfect playlist on all podcast platforms. All podcast stuff. If you're an early access Patreon, me and Mark are both at Hot Water Comedy Club

tonight, Saturday. Oh, and I'll be releasing a special soon as well that I filmed. There you go. Oh, yeah. How will we get that?

Just follow you on Twitter at Mark Nelson Comic. I'll put it all up on there. It'll be on YouTube. YouTube's Martin Nelson Comic as well I think everything's fucking well when that comes out

make sure you message us and we'll give it a plug on a future episode as well we'll do we'll get you on a live show as well yeah that'd be awesome absolutely if we ever wander north

which we hopefully will one day well we know we've got a chunk of listeners up in Scotland so we'll have to do a Scottish live show is there a Blue Planet Aquarium

in Glasgow there's one it says Queensbury oh the Jewish one yeah I know that one yeah

it's near the synagogue Jews only blue planet aquarium Sea Sea Sea World this has been an absolute corker

remember to get tickets for pins on the 26th of September. And it's been a pleasure, ladies and gentlemen. And Eshan Akbar, can I send you the details and you'll put Eshan's ticket link in the thing? He is at the London Wonderground Udderbelly Festival on Tuesday. Eshan, big friend of the pod. If you are in London or going to be on that date, go and see him.

He needs a few more bums on those seats so let's give him a lift see you soon cheers Mark it's been a pleasure lovely make it

as women our life stages come with unique risk factors like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke.

Know your risks.