Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #14 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 24, 2020

Day 2 of the shutdown daily pods and it's already getting proper weird... Enjoy lids. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello guys, it's Dan Nightingale. You may recognise me from this fucking podcast you're listening to. Let's tell you about our sponsor, Beer52.com. Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review those beers via their website to appoint some rewards. Every month's beers will have a brand new theme. Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and Wigan. And many, many more. They've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer of a free case of eight beers,

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scratch yours all right, nice one. Sign up if you fancy it. And let's crack on with the pod. Okie dokie, picking a pokey! Good morning, job seekers! Oh my god! Okay, it's happening! Catch me outside, how about that?

Is that Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here. Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch. The star sign! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word, Shut Down Dailies.

Let's get through this mess together. I like your shirt. It's a prime Arnie. A prime Arnie, really? It's a prime Arnie purchase. On the weekend, we were like, I was like, done a lot of panic buying

for fucking garden stuff. Done some food. And I was like, I haven't got any, if it's nice weather, I haven't got any shit. Everyone else is buying dry packs of noodles

and you're coming out with fucking six chainsaws. I've been way ahead of the game, fam. What, you're buying food? You're buying food, fam? I've been buying food for fucking game from what you're buying food you're buying food farm i've been buying food for fucking two weeks farm i'm buying garden chairs and parasols homie um and then i was like shit i haven't got any summer stuff so we went to primark and i spent

37 pounds which is 43 items and this little pink tie-dye number is something i'll be wearing in the garden it was you know what's quite freeing about the shop adam now i am nearly 40 and i've started just dressing how i want to dress if anything when laura really takes against something and goes oh god not that i'm like fuck you i'm buying it now just to spite you that's the fashion of spite we've discussed it i'm like leave me you can't afford it i can't afford it just fucking hate the shirt and buckle down for 30 years and it was i was going around the shop going oh my god i'm never gonna wear this shit out this is gonna be just worn in the garden and it turns out you've got bad taste in clothes oh i see so you wouldn't

you wouldn't wear that for a gig i'd have never bought this normally but i was like oh it's my garden i can be how i want to be if this shut down last long enough i might be transgender freedom freedom lgbtqd you think you're gonna get your own letter i know that was a bit arrogant wasn't it lesbian bisexual transgender gay and daniel i'm not an l i'm not a g i'm not a b i might be a b I thought that was a bit arrogant, wasn't it? Lesbian, bisexual, transgender, gay, and Daniel. I'm not an L, I'm not a G, I'm not a B, I might be a B. I'm thinking about being a T, but I'm definitely a dick, a dick, a damn. Why do the L's go first? Ladies first.

Hey! Did you just say that trans people aren't women? Why aren't trans people why aren't the T's first if ladies go first why not the T's I thought there was a safe space Adam I didn't expect you to pull me up on it Audi alt politics

but you're here Adam you're here and very brave and this is how I imagine if the police stopped you on the way you were going to be like catch me outside how about that you got a new button done since you said i was like oh i was like i don't know we definitely oh i'm a bit worried and you went on you did some research in my head you've just been doing this all day like excuse me um could you wind the window down, please?

Where are you going? I'm going to go to do a podcast. You're not allowed to go. Upset me, nasty bitch. Yeah, so we haven't had any messages about this yet, but I imagine there's a couple of people in our listenership who are like Adam and Ansel allowed to sort of do the podcasts together. So at the minute, I've had a chat with the government. Have you?

And you think I'm arrogant, making the D for Dan. LGBT Dan. I've had a chat with the government. Guys, I know you've got a lot of shit on, but I've got a podcast and it's doing good numbers. I've got a patron, so I've got a responsibility to the £3 a month guys. Basically,

live streaming of a performance by a small group is permissible as long as social distancing is observed, which we absolutely are doing. We're currently following... If that changes,

we have got a backup. If we're told at any point that we can't do this or that we shouldn't be doing this, then we'll do it via Skype or something. You'll still get your podcasts every

day the fuck was that there was a big bang downstairs what the fuck i'm used to the zombies coming i used to do this podcast with no motherfuckers in the house yeah all those three other people banging around so you've checked the government. Government's advice is that we, because there's only two of us, that very, and it's important. Yeah. It's not. Yeah.

Like, and you're isolating in your house and we're isolating. The only people we're seeing, the only people I'm seeing right now is me, Mrs. You and your Mrs. And the exact same thing. I'm just doing a little bit of dogging,

you know, a little bit of cottage in, you know, A little bit of cottaging, you know? Kiss me on the thigh, how about that? I'm going to fuck a dick, what do you say? Yeah, but we're 100% compliant with the government and we will continue to do that if the measures become more severe. And also, all joking aside, we are pussyholes really, aren't we? I'm a massive health nonce.

Absolute fudge. If I'm driving with a fully insured working car mot tax the lot and there's a police there's a policeman drives behind me for 11 seconds i'm like oh god i'm literally seeing choppers i'm doing 32 oh god good job i'm not a cocaine mule. Fucking acting like it. My health anxiety's been bad. I imagine anyone with severe health anxiety at the minute, they're climbing the fucking walls.

If anyone doesn't know what health anxiety is, it's like a former hypochondria, basically. It's where you sort of think you're more ill than you're not. It's not quite Munchausen syndrome, but basically like... What's Munchausen syndrome? You ain't as sick as you think you is oh munchausen syndrome is you're basically making up this you you're pretending to be ill almost yeah so as i understand it so that like oh and munchausen's by proxy is when you basically pretend someone's ill to get charity is that right possibly? Possibly. Is it like the mum is like, oh my god, my kid's really ill.

She's got kid aids. Now it makes sense. Yeah, so if you could just pay for a holiday. LGBTQDM Munchhausen. You can't just keep adding people to a very important social movement. LGBTQMD

DPD You know, depart from work and pensions now all the delivery guys that keep coming around hermes homosexual a very different pride that wouldn't it i fucked off a delivered... Oh, God. Sorry, that's the jazz. Catch me outside, how about that? Sorry, go on. You love it when you get a new button. I know. I'm sorry to all our listeners.

I'm bored of disgusting. I want to do this one. Catch me outside, how about that? Never mind. That was the worst joke I've done on this podcast so far. Homosexual. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't the worst one.

It was a good one. It was the weird, like... It was like... Because it's like a Geordie, like... Oh, my God,'t the worst one. It was a good one. It was the weird, like, it was like, because it's like a Geordie, like, oh my God, are you a homosexual? That was a what? That was a Geordie.

It might be Sunderland. That wasn't anyone. Yeah, you're a homosexual. That was the fellow from Family Guy. Nah, man, you're a fucking homosexual. Yeah, you didn't even know. You're a fucking homosexual. You thought my Geordie accent was bad?

Nah, yeah. The name in the big brother house. fucking hemorrhoids okay you thought my Geordie accent was bad nah D-N-A-N in the big brother house Anton's coming and he's brought his boyfriend in a pair of hemorrhoids

every time you do the impression of the Geordie from big brother I honestly I'm worried about your breathing

it does something to your breathing and it makes me give I've got health anxiety by proxy Because every time I hear You sound like a Geordie Mutley Catch the pigeon

Catch the fucking pigeon leg This is what This is what you're laughing to Blake When you grow up In a fucking council house in Dubby And both your parents are on 40 a day With the fucking windows and doors shut Oh my god Adam had a hard working class I was in Dovey and both your parents were on 40 a day with the fucking windows and doors shut. Oh, thank God.

Adam had a hard working class upbringing. I mean, I'm from a nice low middle class background so imagine 40 a day with cigarettes?

No, it was vodka bottles. And slaps and punches. I was abused, Daniel. Wait, did you get smacked? No. I'd fucking knock me punches. I was abused, Daniel. Wait a minute. Did you get smacked?

No. I'd fucking knock my dad out. I was really about to stop the music and be like, oh, God, Adam. I reckon I've been able to fight my dad for like 15, 16 years now. Since I was 12, I had to bang my dad. Bang your dad as well. Get both of them.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it really took parkinson's diagnosis to make me think yeah i mean even in the first couple of years of that he was harder to punch do you know what i mean because of the movement where is he it's got that quick twitch but now yeah he's not looking so good oh shit sauce dad oh okay we gotta laugh or we'll cry Let's not share this On Facebook This episode's just Being shared on Twitter Okay Not Facebook

Where my family are Did you get a smack though Before we go Back to health anxiety Did you ever get a smack No Never No

What's this all 40 a day in Dovey Fucking What's that You never got like a little What was that sentence 40 a day in Dovey You're making out Like you're a working class hero.

40 a day is cigarettes, yeah. Your mum and dad smoked about 40 a day each. That's 80 ciggies in a house with the doors and windows shut. That's why... That's why that's... Yeah, but back in 1992, that was like 48 pence a day, wasn't it? Yeah. Now, that's 40,000 pounds a year.

They came with your doll. Here is your gyro. And here's your B&H. What did they smoke? Whatever the fella from round the corner had brought back from Spain. What, the multicoloured ones with the gold filter? It'd just be like Lambert and Butler, wouldn't it?

Lambert or a Moodlala. Yeah. And it was three quid for a pack of the 20. Instead of what? It's like 11 quid now, isn't it, from the shop? Fucking hell. Yeah. Did you ever smoke when you were young no no the only time i've ever smoked is when i've been on like a night out and i'm talking to a girl and she's like i'm going for a ciggy just smoking i'm like well i'm not losing use of someone in the smoking area i'm come with you oh my god that's such a lad thing to say i don't smoke and I don't want cancer, but I do want to bang you.

And I did smoke a cigar with Bill Bear after he taped his special in London. Fuck the fucking fuck off. Yeah, kill that, innit? Upset me, nasty bitch! We went to an after party and there was loads of producers from Netflix and all things comedy and a few of his friends. His wife was there. The guy who produces the podcast, Andrew Themlis.

And he whipped out a couple of boxes of these massive Nicaraguan... Cigars. Yeah. All right, good. Not people. Well, you know what would make this story worse if I went back

in my diary and worked out which fuck knuckle I was gigging with that night what where you were smoking fucking

Nicaraguans I was doing a big night it was a Tuesday I was doing 10 minutes of new at XS with Michael J. Dalton so it was really funny my dad was there with me

so on the last night of for anyone listening who doesn't know like my favourite comedian of all time is Bill Bear

and last year he came over to the UK to do six tour dates and I did the tour sports on five of them the last two were at the Royal Albert Hall

in London where he taped his latest Netflix special which is called Paper Tiger it's fucking incredible go and watch it um but obviously that that's a the the last night that's always quite a big night so i asked my best mate carl and my dad i got them tickets to the show put them up in a hotel um and brought them down for the night we turn up at the after party and bill and all his guys are sat at the table already they got there before us and Bill goes hey Adam come over

we're smoking cigars and I went I'll be there in a second me dad went are you gonna smoke and I went dad he could have heroin and I'm going over

he'll be like there in a minute Bill just trying to find a vein golden brown takes you like Adam doesn't really drunk he's never done drugs

Bill Burr's like got some smack here like run me down let my man she runs da da da da yeah of course you would Bill Burr

white lines vision dreams of fashion going through my mind your dad could offer me a line of coke and I'd do it I'm the worst with coke

literally the postman could turn up and be like here's your bills I've got a line of fucking ching I'll be like hey hey let's get this morning going

woo but yeah for Bill Burr you would probably yeah it was amazing oh god what's it like

I've never smoked a cigar since my A level fucking I think my college do it's a you don't inhale it do you you just you just basically look at bill burn try not to puke you're right bill basically yeah um oh god yeah you have to chop the end off don't you

and and like the other side thanks for that i think you should do a cigar smoking podcast because level of expertise is... You have to chop the end off and set one end on fire. All right, thanks for listening to the Adam Rowe Cigar Podcast. That's cool as fuck, though. Yeah. Oh, God, I really don't want to find out. NeNe, your dad never give you a little slap?

Not even that night for smoking? Did you get battered or something? Is that what you're trying to tell me? My dad took it out on the back of my legs. Ooh. When I was wearing shorts. I see. Motherfucker, that's evil, isn't it?

Now I'm thinking about that. You're like, which bit have you exposed? Or the fleshy bit on your fucking hamstring? Things are different back in your day, weren't they? Back in the 40s, when Daniel grew up in Prestonshire, North Englandshire. The war was difficult for a lot of us young wee lads. The Great War, 1914 to 1982. We used to get beaten with dead bodies.

See, me and my little brother were fairly well behaved. Especially in comparison to the people who lived on our street. My mum and dad raised us quite well, to be fair to them. They do deserve a good bit of credit. But your health anxiety, in all seriousness... Yeah. MashaAllah. You're all right.

You're okay. Yeah, I'm sound. My wife is worried for your health for a very selfish reason she's been like she gets whatever i've got as soon as we went downstairs to see all fucking droopy i bulge oh i'm sorry man i watched boris boris johnson and because he was like trying to be intent he's got he's not got bad he's just got fat eyelids definitely someone behind that camera by the way gone boris frown frown no jokes but Boris frown Boris look surprised

mate his missus be like darling look at Paula Radcliffe in the fifth Harry Potter I think you've managed to put weight on in your eyelids he was like he was

like trying to be serious and looking down and all those thinkers like mate that's where he keeps his pills Boris Johnson

keeps his pills when he goes clubbing he takes his eyelids inside everyone's like hey boss boss mate I was like, mate. That's where he keeps his pills. Boris Johnson keeps his pills. When he goes clubbing. He takes his islands inside out. Everyone's like, hey, boss, boss, mate. I've got the fucking Gary's. Stick them in your eyelids. No problem, guys.

I love clubbing. Cream's amazing. Take your fucking bicycle helmet off. No. It's safe when I'm dancing. I watched that with Laura, and she instantly watched it and was like, right, we need to go and get Sam.

So last night, when did that speech finish? It started 8.30. Before 9, yeah. It was 10, 15 minutes. I was in the fucking car. So I had to drive. I was like, oh, an early night. It's nice, isn't it?

Do you know what? Shut down with prepared. Then he was like, no, it's actually, I thought we had about three or four days. I was like, oh, an early night. It's nice, isn't it? Do you know what? Shut down with prepared. And then he was like, no, it's actually, I thought we had about three or four days. I knew it was coming. Fuck, we definitely knew it was coming because we've branded the podcast Shut Down Daily. And then he was like, so I'm doing it from tonight.

I was like, fuck. I looked at Laura. I was like, we've got to go and get Sam. So I had to drive to Sheffield, pick Sam up. Like he was in witness protection. Like, get in the car. What have you got? Leave everything.

And so we've got my brother-in-law here for probably about two and a half months, and she turns to me just before I set off and went, do you think Adam will come for the podcast? I was like, you are not concerned about his health at all. She's like, how is he, health-wise? She basically wants to do a corona screening at the front door before you come in like

I mean we've spent so much time together lately if I've got AIDS you've got it and that's a sexually transmitted disease

that's not how this podcast works mate you know you can't get AIDS through top quality banter I don't know whether that's true I think if you do

enough of it you might might be able to spread it you know I'll tell you why I'm offensiv-ed. Offensiv-ed? Offensiv-ed. That's probably the AIDS.

You know, as a member of my community, the LGBTQ, DM, DPD, UPS, the homosexuals, I find AIDS jokes really, really bad. I've got a great AIDS joke in my current tour show. Have you? Fire. Well, that tour's fucked.

Do you know what I'm actually... This is the tour! Yeah. Do you know what I'm actually thinking of doing? Because that tour show's going to be quite dated by the time we can go back and tour again. I think I'm just going to... I've already got it recorded.

I think I'm going to drop it as an hour-long stand-up special this week. If you listen to the podcast and you want an hour-long special, let me know. Tweet me. Let us know. Write in.

Let us know if you'll watch it and then I'll edit it myself and get it out. What are you going to do? Are you going to redo the dates like Blackpool went, didn't it? It's being rescheduled for September, but I think that might get rescheduled again.

At the minute, that's when it is. Yeah. I'm not pushing it for sales and if it can happen in september it will but i reckon we're probably looking at november before comedy comes back and it more likely even jenny i think so jesus that's a bit bleak that's what i reckon though really yeah i because... I've got to think more positively than that. www.patreon.com slash have a word pod. Daddy got to get some Christmas presents. You know what I'm saying?

I would love this to kick off and never go back to comedy. At this rate though, all the shops shut, your daughter's going to be getting a chainsaw for Christmas. Laura's birthday's in three weeks. I've got her a fucking pack of balloons

thinking next week... Some dry pasta. I was like, yeah. What gonna get like you like passata you like passata uh happy birthday i'm gonna wrap a pot noodle and be like ta-da you can eat this now you don't have to wait loads of balloons happy 40th since she's 30 as it's your birthday i'll let you eat one of the non-perishables not the UHT milk you fucking moron but health anxiety so I do want to talk about this

because I know we've had a couple of messages about this people saying they're struggling with it I get it so health anxiety

is when you sort of you get panic attacks and feel really really anxious about your health so mine started a few years ago

my dad had a heart attack at the age of 50 it happened on my brother's 18th birthday and then a month later oh god oh it was a fucking horrendous evening um a month later i started getting really bad chest pain so this is 2013 right or 2014 because it happened in december then into january so early 2014 i started getting this so i am 22 years of age. And I thought I was having a heart attack because my dad had just had one really bad. So I kept going to the hospital, and they kept going.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're not going to have a heart attack at 22 unless you're like a really bad cokehead. It's not going to happen. However, we can't tell you to not come back because it does happen in very, very, very rare cases. If you ever get severe chest pain, do come back to the hospital, but also probably don't tell you to not come back because it does happen in very, very, very rare cases. If you ever get severe chest pain, do come back to the hospital,

but also probably don't come back to the hospital. But do come back to the hospital, but probably don't come back to the hospital. Do you know what I mean? So they're basically trying to cover themselves, but going, we know this is in your head, but we can't be like, it's in your head, fuck off, because that's not due care.

Yeah, because then if I did have a heart attack, then they'd be sued and be liable and whatever. And I got to the point where I kept going the hospital i couldn't control it couldn't control my thoughts at all um and this is 100 true story there was a moment where i realized that they didn't hate me as much as a lot of their other patients so at one point i'm waiting on the corridor in majors at the royal liverpool hospital and a guy had come in at a similar time to me he was sat a few chairs away from me and he'd been throwing up blood, that's why he'd

come to A&E so he sat there, he's like white as a ghost, he's worried and he's just kind of every time I throw up there's it's just basically completely red, I'm really bad and the nurses keep coming back checking on me checking on him doing the next stage of each like it's mental in an a and e if you've been

recently you'll know um and at one point one of the nurses would come over to me and went to him can we just check you haven't in the past 24 to 48 hours you haven't like drank too much red wine or a lot of ribena and he went i did have a bit quite a lot of black current last night actually i was drinking a snake bites with black hood and they went that that's what it is and he went okay no worries and he just walked out at that moment i was like i think the possibility of me having a heart attack is less annoying for these nhs people than this fucking he'd been throwing up blackcurrant. When you fuck...

Literally, if you're an A&E and part of the medical problem you have is Robinson's apple and blackcurrant, you are a bell sniff of the highest medical order. So what did they do? For me? Did you get CBT? No, so what they did offer me was visa blockers.

Okay. So visa blockers are a heart medication which slow your heart pump down. So where does like, your heart will be like, you know,

your heart takes a squeeze and then releases it. That's how your heart works. So it'll be like, hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

A visa blocker will make it go, hmm, hmm, hmm. Okay. God, you've got to stop doing this because I'm trying to take this seriously

because this is genuinely heartfelt and if you're listening you can't i got adam started playing like an accordion but he was looking at me dead seriously i'm not used to it i'm like adam i'm trying not to laugh but um but i didn't want to take a heart medication if there's nothing wrong with my heart because it can have side effects and long-term effects on your heart taking beta blockers for a long time so I sort of ended up sort of self-medicating with my own

it's hard to explain when I'm outside I'm mental I have to talk to myself if you get around to saying I had to have a word with myself I have to have a word with myself i have to have a word with myself mate that is the most amazing i was like is this where he's going yeah i have to have a word with myself literally so if i'm getting chest pain the anxious part of my brain is going that

could be a heart attack i know the doctors said it's not like but it could be though couldn't it could be a heart attack that like you never know you're sweating as well now aren't you you're sweating there you're sweating that bit of pain in your arm as well that's a symptom of a heart attack it's right in the center but slightly to the left as well now, aren't you? You're sweating there. You're sweating. That bit of pain in your arm as well, that's a symptom of a heart attack. It's right in the centre, but slightly to the left as well, isn't it? That's where the heart attack pain would be. That's really bad, that, isn't it?

And I have to talk to him and go, I'm 28. I don't smoke. I don't do cocaine. Okay, me diet's not great. But it's not a heart attack, is it? And I've got really, really good now at that side winning that internal argument.

Do you know, I know you didn't pick up on this, but you know the other bit of your brain that's going that could be a heart attack like you know what they mean you're sweating so that could that's is that a a toxic lion sounded just like a talking lion fucking hell i don't want to have to give you a heart attack but i fucking will give you a heart attack do you know what's really great there's going to be a handful of people who listen to this episode first there's going to be a handful of people who listen to this episode first. There's going to be a handful of people who this is their introduction to the podcast. And I don't want to add a single bit of context to what a talkie lion is.

Go back through episodes 1 to 12 and try and find out what the fuck we're talking about. And hey, dum-dum, when you start a podcast, don't start episode 14. Nothing makes sense. Did you see the tweet I put out? I made a meme, which at 39 years old, nearly 40, was exciting. Like, oh, I'm making a meme. Look at me.

Let me tell my grandkids. And I found a picture of Paula Radcliffe. Oh, I didn't see that, yeah. I'm a wizard. What the fuck are you talking about, lads? Well done. As I tweeted it, I was like, imagine if you've never listened to the podcast going, these guys are morons. And head i was like it's the best thing i've done today um so finally on the health anxiety thing the way it's been affecting

me recently is health anxiety you will essentially um your body and they're very real they're very very real your body will mimic symptoms of something the anxious part of your brain is trying to convince you you've got so obviously with this coronavirus going around i've had no cough and i've had no fever and no other symptoms at all but one thing i have had is breathlessness now i'm also asthmatic i've been asthmatic since i was a kid very mild asthma don't need an inhaler i've got i've got two new inhalers now got them from the doctors last week just in case but what happened a few nights ago was I started having to take really deep breaths, like really, really deep breaths.

And then that's from anxiety, right? But then, because I'm taking really deep breaths, it's kicking me asthma off. And when your asthma kicks off, that makes you need to take really deep breaths. And when you're having to take really deep breaths, that affects your anxiety, and your anxiety's going, oh my God, is that the corona? Have you got covid 19 even though you've got no other symptoms and a fever and a cough of the two big ones you have to have at least one of them for it to be possible and then because that anxiety is causing

more breathlessness that's affecting my asthma more and then my asthma is affecting the anxiety and it's such a vicious circle i can end up in a fucking panic attack well i had a panic attack the other night when that night i spoke yesterday about that argument me and jay dad when she fucked off for a bit i had a full-blown panic attack in the house and it took me about an hour to calm myself down and have that conversation and go you're absolutely fine aren't you and since then my breathing's got a lot better like it's almost gone completely away i have to take the odd deep breath like if i'm a bit bloated if i've had too much food or something oh my god i got covid night oh no i've had too much food or something. Oh my god, I've got COVID night. Oh no, I've had two stink gigs.

Fucking love all the Greggs. But yeah, anyone out there who's struggling with a bit of health anxiety, you're not alone, and I'm sorry to go serious at the start of this episode, but we have had a few messages about people saying they're struggling with it, and you're not alone. It's happening to a lot of us, and

you know, whatever works for you, we all deal with our anxiety in different way if you're on medication if you need to have a word with yourself if you want to write into us if you want to tweet me if you want to send me a direct message and go i'm struggling a bit can you help me if anyone's suffering with this it's one of the very very few things that i've got any sort of i don't want to say expertise but experience of and if you're struggling a bit send send me a message. I'll have a chat to you. I'll even give you my number and I'll send you voice notes on WhatsApp if it's going to help you.

If you're struggling with health anxiety, let us know and we'll have a word with you. Yeah, and if you're struggling with your sexuality, you don't think you're an LGBTQ, you think you might be a D, just get in touch with me because I'm dealing with that shit right now. Get in touch if you think you might be a Daniel.

Don't press the catch me outside. It's not relevant. Stop just pressing your new button. Stop it. It doesn't make sense. But what if they ban dogging? Catch me outside. How about that? Yes! I've ruined the button, haven't I? Yeah. I've sort of overdone the button. I don't want that to be on tomorrow.

Oh, no! You get one day with it. No! Oh, shit. I'm going to have to say goodbye to the catch me outside button. Catch me outside. How about that? Seems a bit... Seems a bit... Catch me outside.

How about that? For you to talk about how bad you say it. Exactly. When I'm doing this, like, oh, Adam, I hope you recover. But if you don't cash me outside how about that was an official part

of the Havowords song board from Tuesday the 24th of March 2020 to Tuesday the 24th of March 2020 what Adam doesn't know is it's now in the intro alright oh no cash me outside

I have a day send in your questions and suggestions to havowordpod now in the intro. All right. Oh, no! Catch me if I can. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense. It's time for the drunk hangover feature. Send your correspondence and we really want to meet you. Hi, Adam and Dan.

Drunk and hangover story hi adam and dad story from a drunk hangover oh my god singing a song you're making my health hangs out i've just got it as i feel my tits i'm like i should have time for a drunk hangover story. Just a star version of Palomori. For fuck's sake. I've literally just had two vanilla slices for lunch because they're perishable. I'm like, shit's about to get real. Eat the perishables.

Yeah, I tell you what, he had loads of, you know, yeah, he's perishables, but he does have type 2 diabetes. Let's do a hangover from hell story. Yeah, we've been getting loads of these, haven't we? You fucked up my start, Adam. We have been getting loads and we've not... To be fair... I'm just trying to thank our viewers and listeners, Daniel, okay?

So your start is less important. Char! Upset me, nasty bitch! Don't make me do it. You're right, though. They have been sending loads, haven't they loads on the adam yeah it's been really good we're getting loads of submissions but do keep them coming in have a weird pod at gmail.com over to you daniel i say i take these very seriously because we've all been there hey we like a drink don't we and other things we all like a pint some of those more like tea

some of those multivitamins hi Adam and Dan just listening to episode 10 and felt I needed to share my tragic mess of a hangover story with you guys

so it was back when I was 20 and we was all put and we was all put for my best pal's 20th birthday on a Friday night

we went on a pub crawl in my local area and then went onto a club. DA Wands. DA Wands? Yes, when nightclubs had that shitty we'll do the postcode. We had one in

Preston called PR Wands. You fucking idiot. DA Wands. You had postcode pubs? Postcode nightclubs. Ah, it this is not that is not honestly da ones i will be it'll be like dagging and one or something go on find out what da one is quickly hang on let me pause the fucking song da one postcode da one is Dartford Dartford

Try and find DA1's nightclub Go on If it's in Dartford I've won this game And if you haven't you have to do the next one topless There's nothing there That's long gone because of this story DA1's which has since Shut down Since shut down anyway there's nothing there that's long gone because of this story DA Wands

which has since shut down oh sorry about that since shut down anyway I don't remember much of the night do you know what just sorry to interrupt you there

but DA Wands nightclub could so be your da's nightclub where you going lad DA Wands you going with your da me fuck off we're across the road ma ma w? DA Wands? You going with your dad? I mean Fuck off

We're across the road at my my wands MA Wands everyone's in there in flare jeans and shit shirts Anyway

Fucking hell We're in DA Wands which has since shut down Anyway I don't remember much of the nightclub as I drank so much beforehand

to the point the doorman was sceptical of letting me in From what I told by my friends it was shot after shot as I'd drank so much beforehand, to the point the doorman was sceptical of letting me in. From what I'd told by my friends, it was shot after shot. After shot. The next thing I remember is waking up what I thought was the next day beside a box of chicken wings.

I assumed they'd been bought on the way home. I proceeded to eat the whole box, looked at my phone to find I'd slept the entire weekend away. Fuck off! And had just eaten two day old chicken wings that had sat next to me in my room for the whole of the duration of the weekend

to add bitterness to the story. I then spent the next week suffering from food poisoning and my flat mate at the time has never let me forget it. That's from Chris Butcher. That's fantastic. You absolute fucking lid.

I wish I could sleep the weekend away with a hangover. I'd wake up fine, wouldn't you? Like, if you could sleep the whole weekend away, you'd wake up alright.

When I'm drunk... I mean, that's a lot of sleep, isn't it? Yeah. It's fantastic, though. I'd fucking love to be... Hang on,

so you went out on a Friday? Yeah. Woke up Monday by the sounds of it. No. That's what he's saying. Went out on Friday night. He must meant... Went for a drink on Friday.

Got my chicken wings Saturday. Slept all day the weekend. And I woke up on Monday and gave myself food poisoning. Shitting on the landing. Had dysentery on Wednesday. Hang on, he's gone out on Friday to DA1. You're that. And then he's got the fucking chicken box from the chicken box on the way home from the chicken shop.

That must have been what? 5 a.m. Saturday night. Gone to sleep. Gone all the way through Saturday. That's fucking epic. Then woken up on Sunday morning. Are you saying he slept the weekend away?

Are you talking about Monday? No. That's what he's saying. I'm not saying he's deaf or right. He's not that I believe him, but he's saying he slept the full fucking weekend. I think he's using an autistic license then, because you have to wake up, eat the chicken wings, and go to work.

It depends what he works as. If he's a comedian... No, he's not slept for fucking 48 hours. Because he's been drugged, hasn't he? Can he spike chicken wings? If he had slept for 48 hours and no one in his house has gone, I think he's dead. If you can sleep for 48 hours and no one in his house has gone I think he's dead if you can sleep for 48 hours

and no one checks in on you you need better friends and family Jesus Christ that fucking flat mate yeah we give you

loads of shit about that do you remember when you slept for 48 hours and no one gave a shit yeah well

do you remember when you let me I think that's technically a coma yeah no it's absolutely great banter right I drank so much I think that's technically a coma. Yeah, no, it's absolutely great banter, right? I drank so much, I gave myself a medically induced coma, self-induced.

I nearly died in my sleep. I'm the absolute opposite of that, you know? Like, when I'm drunk, if I'm hammered, I pass out. So my head hits the pillow, and I'm gone for about four hours, and then the hangover monster wakes me up, and he's like fucking get up lad fucking get up

no you need to get up fucking get up now let's go for a run let's go I want to go for a fucking run I don't want to go for a run I don't want to go for a run I want a Lucasade

and some salt and pepper chicken we're going for a fucking run lad let's go for a fucking run you don't want to stay in bed though you're going to sweat I'm going to make you fucking sweat now you're sweating you're fucking sweating aren't you

aren't you sweating have you got an headache have you got an headache can't sleep with an headache can you why don't you go for a. You're sweating. You're fucking sweating, aren't you? Aren't you sweating? Ha ha ha ha. Have you got a headache? Have you got a headache? Can't sleep with a headache, can you? Why don't you get up and have some tablets? Why don't we go for a fucking run? Let's go for a fucking run. The talkie lion.

The talkie lion. Messing with your fucking head. Until they invented vodka Red Bull back in the days, that was the point. Like, you'd be pissed and you'd wake up like, oh, I've got a headache. Then they invented vodka Red Bull and you wake up like oh I've got a headache then they invented vodka red bull and you woke up like

like at the worst like 5.30 in the morning like having a fucking your heart pounding well vodka red bull is the most dangerous drink in the world isn't it

like alcohol wise because the vodka slows your heart right down and the red bull speeds it up so you've got two liquids that go into your body and they're literally trying to do the opposite thing to your heart. I mean, I wouldn't drink them now unless Bill Burr was having one.

Hey, Dan, come over. Fancy a vodka Red Bull? I'll have 19, Bill. Hey, Dan, come over. We're doing Jager bombs with the boys. That was fantastic. We're going to fly through some of those drunken hangover stuff. You got another one? Yeah. I think we should do another one.

Do another one? Can I read it? I just want to check it's not shit. This is a bit maverick. But I've just tried to read a hangover story from Ryan Joseph, and it's very similar. So thanks Ryan, but just accidentally you've done a very similar hangover story.

I mean, there's going to be a bit of repetition. Just cut that out. We'll do that next week. Just cut this bit out. I was in next week. We'll do that. Yeah,

but I'm getting something. Oh, at the end of his, at the end of his hangover story, he's just thrown in a random also, would you rather? And it's randomly got lions in it oh my god

I know Adam do you know what I mean that is so weird now I'm not spiritual but that is weird isn't it do you know what I mean that is that is

it's really strange that because do you know what's even weirder when I came in yesterday Jade was eating a lion bar fuck off yeah a white one

and do you know the weirdest I'm lying I'm lying oh I'm lying I'm lying white lion bar fuck off yeah a white one and you know the weird is i'm lying i'm lying oh why are you lying for what are you lying for were you a lion bar so ryan joseph so we're not reading this story right now we might but but would you rather be able to control a swarm of hornets to do your bidding or a single lion? Mate, how to change this pod up a fucking gear, lad? Oh my God, that's sick.

A lion. A lion. You want to control one single lion? Yeah. A rider, couldn't you? Yeah. Fucking get anywhere on that. Poor fucking lion.

What are you trying to say? I don't know. I've lost a pound this week, actually. Been on Slimming World. What do you do if you're on Slimming World at the moment? I can't go to the group. Why would it change? You just do the same thing.

No. You need the weigh in don't you Just get some scales Oh and you do it on your own Yeah Yeah that's not the incentive though Maybe you could Skype it Alright Julie

Stand back We can't You're too close to the camera Oh no you've just put some weight on Oh sorry Julie The reception's gone on your phone It looks like you've just pressed cancel Oh god everyone's skype's gone down

so you panic panic eating as well julie what's that in the background is that a mcdonald's you do need to go to the meeting to otherwise you're like when anyone goes i'm not i'm just going to try and do a diet but i'm not going to do the groups i'm not i'm not going to do the groups i'm just going to do it on my own i will weigh myself every monday morning i've got the discipline bullshit i need some judgmental like woman called i've got one her name is jade and she lives in the house does she fat shame you yes oh babe yeah oh no all joking aside that's disgusting can i just can i backtrack and say honestly if i was a lion i'd let you sit on me i wish i'd not said that sorry why are you pressing what's that got to do with lions i just

wanted to what um but the thing is where are you going to keep your lion if we're doing this seriously i can control it can stay in the bed with me what yeah just spe spoon me lion in it. Oh, but where's Jade going? I don't give a fuck. I've got a lion. I've got a lion. Yeah, but you're still going to want sex sometimes, aren't you? You have to be like Jade. Then I can control a lion. Adam, you're going to have to get the lion out there.

Yeah, and then I'll just be like, do me mind control or whatever it is and say it's a lion. Rawr. Hey, go to the park or something. I'd have a little jog or whatever. Me and your mind would go and get busy a lion-o give us 10 to 15 is that what I'm calling her

what would you call your pet lion just Derek Derek the lion Brian the lion yes mate I'd call him Thunder. Fuck off. Why?

What bellend thing to call a lion? Thunder the lion. I think you need to join my LGBTQD. You think Derek's a better name for a lion? No, all right. I'll give you a Derek's a shit name, but Brian the lion's pretty good. Just to be in the park,

and when some guy's calling like, Benji! Benji! My dog, he just runs off. Benji! And I'm like, yeah, Brian! Brian, fuck your dog. Your dog's not coming back.

Benji's dead. Brian's eating him. Pow! Yeah, but I was just like, Thunder! Thunder! If someone at that point didn't shout, Lightning!

The way you love me is frightening! Get a wolf and call it lightning as well got thunder and lightning lion and a wolf oh god white wolf now we've had a few people messages saying they're doing some artwork for the podcast we've had two different artists which i really appreciate and and my mate anna who's in australia and a spark dogs he's doing some artwork we've got a guy who's doing some thanks we're so like she sent me some sketches people drawing us is cool in it we love it please for the love of fuck someone do adam with a wolf and a lion and a thunder and lightning over it. Oh my God, I'll get it printed. It'll be behind me in the studio to make me look like the absolute

Quendo. If someone will do that, I'll pay them for it as well. What? Yeah. Send me your bank details. If you do a proper good, me with thunder and lightning. Your Beer 52 sponsorship's coming in. Hey, don't worry about it. We've got two sponsors. No, I'd go I'd go Hornets

why because I'm a Watford fan so keep it brand loyal yeah erm and I actually think they I think a lion's gonna cause you problems

yes you can mind control it you're gonna have to feed the fucker and if you've got vet bills I've got fucking tins in me that'd be sound a swarm of Hornets you can just be like

how much soup I've got at the minute the lion'll be sound. You can be like, lads, just stay in that tree until someone fucks with me. Like anyone who tries to deliver leaflets like you were on about the other week. Some fucking bellend tried to do it with me. Try coming near my house during a coronavirus shutdown

when I've got a swarm of hornets in the trees. Be like, lads! Fucking. I've got a lion, Dan. Yeah, but you're going to have to feed the fucker. It's fine. What if he eats your perishables? Oh.

He can eat the perishables as long as he leaves the non-perishables. Ha! Oh, okay. You fucked up there. Yeah, I did, yeah. Yeah, and I'm not letting you take it back. Lions are better. Okay.

Me and Thunder. Where? I want the picture. I don't want lightning in the picture i want i want me riding thunder oh not with me dick i mean like i sat on his back you say every podcast we do you say one thing that i could cut off and ruin that you think catch me outside's bad i want to be rising thunder no let me do fucking that is that's tomorrow's annoy adam with it i'm starting to get onto the fact by the way that if i interrupt you when you're doing a read it really winds you up and i'm going to start doing it more and more when you're in the hangover you're seeing the start of every fucking section yeah what's wrong with that i want to do the have a words because that's my favourite song. I'm starting to

like literally I've got Stockholm Syndrome on you singing. You want to sing that one? No, you're good at it. Oh. You're terrible at the rest. No, well eventually I'll get a good one of them and you'll be like, okay, we'll keep that. Right, should we do some Have A Words? I reckon we do some Would You Rather's first. Oh, do you want to do more Would You Rather's? I reckon so.

We didn't really do an official one there. That came off the back of Angela. That was a cheeky little one, wasn't it?y one just squeeze one in it's time for the would you rather's two things neither are normally ideal terrible i want to ride thunder would you rather kiss a rancid minger, female minger, for 10 minutes or have sex with a pretty young man for 30 seconds? Would you rather? Speaking as part of the LGBTQ MFI DPD. MFI? Put some wood in there

as well now. But, what would you? I don't know. I'm going to let you start with this one. Tell me. What's yours?

Like, honestly, she don't brush her teeth. It's not high and you're right. It's only about a little bit of halitosis

ten minutes is a long time ten minutes when was the last time you kissed anyone for ten minutes like back in the D's back in PR1's fucking

DA1's back in the D's mate when it was like me and Jay an hour long hungry kisses no me and Jay you'd have a twenty minute

like kissing session every day bullshit I'm not messing you do I'm not messing before we go to bed fuck off Long, hungry kisses. Now, me and Jay, you'd have a 20-minute, like, kissing session every day. Bull shit. I'm not messing. You do. I'm not messing before we go to bed. Fuck off. We'll just get in bed and just neck for, like, 20 minutes.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire. So you have a 20-minute snog? Yeah. We set an alarm on the phone as well. Shut up. I swear to God. I swear.

It's so that we, the relationship connected and stuff. Even if we've had a fight as well. Like, no, we're still going to do it so we feel connected. What, and you don't have sex? No. Not every night. Just have a little kiss. A 20-minute full-on snog, like a club neck.

Mate, Laura sometimes, before sex, doesn't brush her teeth on purpose so she has an excuse not to kiss me. During sex. She's admitted it. Does she not like kissing you? She's like, honestly, it's like fucking, I feel like,

it's honestly, it's like weirdest form of like prostitute role play, like no kissing, not in the mouth, no kissing. Why does she not like kissing? I don't know.

Oh, that's really, I'll kiss you, mate. I don't want to kiss you social distancing dickhead come and join my and Jade's session what with thunder the lion call me thunder kissing a minga

for 10 minutes of the opposite sex is it really weird that me and Jade do that you don't really do it I swear to god we found it on google you have a smooch a 20 minute full on snog Is it really weird that me and Jay do that? You don't really do it. I swear to God. We found it on Google.

You have a smooch? A 20 minute full on snog. With tongs? Yeah. Yeah. You a good kisser, aren't you? Yeah. That's a question I didn't think I'd answer.

We're only on the second shutdown daily and it's gone fucking mental. I just, I didn't think it was that weird. Apparently loads of people do it. Maybe you and Laura are the weird ones for not doing it. I don't think you understand what having a three-year-old child is like. She's been fucking mental all day. Don't do that. Shut up! Upset me, nasty bitch!

Oh, God. Yeah, we don't really do that. I just wanted to... No, but you really committed to that lie and you made me think you did because i was like bullshit bullshit you're like no lad no honestly hey i swear down on thunder the lion i'm gonna try and tell a lie in every episode see when you catch them out no i had that but you committed to it for so long yeah that's that's fine i still convinced you how long but you committed to it for so long. Yeah, that's fine. I still convinced you.

How long did you kiss Jade for? When what? When you're snogging. We don't do that. Thank fuck for that, Adam. I've just, I told you I was lying. Do you kiss when you're bonking? Yeah, of course we do.

Yeah, but not loads. Because we're normal. Not loads, though. It's like, yeah, I do love you. Let's get down to business. It sounds like You and Laura Fuck Pow pow pow

Like enemies That's the good stuff though Isn't it Let's be honest No but not like Angry enemies Just like I don't even like you

But just fucking Ori open Are you finished Right now No you need a little bit Of the you know How do you like me now How do you like me now Yeah How do you like me now?

Yeah, I love you and you're my soulmate and I want to be with you for the, but right now, you're a nasty bitch. I think the thought of you being like rough in bed is just so funny to me. Oh, mate. I get, I get offensive. I get nasty.

You know when people are like, be nasty, I get emotional. I'm like, I fucking hate your dad. I really go to town on it. I'll be like, fuck, you need to pay more of the fucking bills. Should at least do the TV fucking licence. How do you like me now? You don't look after yourself as much as when we first got together.

You've put weight on me. All of them, mate. If I said that... You'd catch me outside. You'd catch me outside because I'd be throwing the fuck out. Could you imagine if someone was like, talk nasty, talk dirty. Why'd I cut your hair like that?

You just misjudged it And you were like You're a fucking dick No, I didn't like that Your tits are starting to sag Talking dirty is a skill, innit? You've got to just judge it like You're a wanker

You're a twat It's not going to work No, I get a little bit I like a little bit of nasty Because it's worse It's better than being like Oh, you complete me do you think people sing while we have sex no i'm just saying i do obviously

dear sometimes about to have sex with jay tonight taking off my pants and giving a rewrite she's like jade adam stop singing before we fuck and you're taking your knickers off i'm looking pretty good we do our theme tune what is it sexy time sexy time

gonna do my penis in the sexy time get your vagina ready for my dick and i'll get it out and you'll give it a lick you'll get it nice and hard it'll get you a wet

i'll do something that i'm gonna regret I think everyone's regretting asking for a shutdown daily I'm not sure we're not gonna get to it it's gonna go back to weekly if anything bi-weekly every fortnight

I'll sign up to the Patreon if you just do once a week now I need completion I need closure on this a rancid mingy you just snog in full tongues or have sex with a pretty

young man for 30 seconds and he smells nice if the man can have long hair so I can just fuck him from behind and I can imagine it's a woman then I'll do that

it's disgusting why? why can't you have short hair? it's got a nice back yeah but I like I need to like be convinced to go and then I'll do that. It's disgusting. Why? Why can't you have short hair? It's got a nice back. Yeah, but I need to be convinced to go. Oh, okay.

You're such a man. You couldn't bum a man. Would you rather bum a man or get bummed? Bum a man. Yeah, so me too, yeah. Thanks for listening, everyone. is anyone else hard quarantine one would you rather never be able to eat meat

again or never be able to eat veg again you have to lose meat you have to lose veg veg gone oh no that's chips again. You have to lose meat or you have to lose veg. Veg, gone. Veg, gone. Yeah. Oh, no, that's chips. Oh, yeah. Potatoes. We're going to count potatoes.

No, you can't count potatoes. Potatoes is the fun vegetable. Yeah, but like, well, then if we're not counting potatoes, then it's the easiest one in the world because I can just have meat and chips forever and roast potatoes. Oh, no. I'm taking vegetables off the table then. It's too easy with... So chips are no, I'm taking vegetables off the table then. It's too easy with...

So chips are included. I'm taking potato. Yeah, potatoes in there, which technically it should have been the whole time. I still think I want the meat. What are you going to have it with? More meat. I'm just going to have bacon butties,

lamb butties, beef butties. I'm getting an erection. Is bread a vegetable? vegetable no it's not fucking hell you can take the lad out of Dovey but he's still a fucking lid bread

is bread not one of your five a day oh fuck off you're doing another lie I can kiss my my ass for 20 minutes yeah i'd rather keep meat i know that's gonna anger any vegan or vegetarian listeners what you're gonna have it with though more meat bread loads of fucking bread bread and meat's not fun though is it apart from bacon butters any sandwich sandwich. Oh, yeah. Chicken but... Put a big gravy on it. Chicken burger.

Curry sauce is still sound. Hamburger. Yeah. Burgers are still in me life. Cheese is still in me life. Cheese isn't a vegetable. I've Googled it. Die so fast, though.

That's seeing you off. You've got health anxiety. You need a fucking cucumber. I don't eat veg anyway. Really? Do you not? No, not really. On a roast dinner, that's it.

And I'm only getting that So I can have the roasties And the meat Right Yeah So what would you do With roast dinner Just fucking meat And Yorkshire puddings

Leg of lamb Yeah Yorkshire pudding Yeah Gravy Yeah Pigs in blankets I think my heart

Just like Did a little Yeah And then I don't know Some more More stuff on the side I'd lose meat I think my heart just like did a little yeah and then I don't know some more more stuff on the side I'd lose meat

would you I'd miss it to fuck but you think just health wise the veg there's there's studies on both sides

though some people say having a completely carnivorous diet is actually good for you Joe Rogan did it recently yeah shout to Joe Rogan original podcast I tried it I tried it for 48 hours the carnivorous diet is actually good for you Joe Rogan did it recently yeah shout to Joe Rogan original podcast

Peppy I tried it for 48 hours the carnivore diet just meat or just animal products I wouldn't recommend it if you want to poo properly yeah but you've got to

get past that you've got to struggle with poos for a few days and then your body will get used to it I couldn't get past it my shit nearly

mooed back at me it honestly it was my shit that day that after about 48 hours was part livestock oh god it was biblical i was like oh fucking bad no i need the meat man in fact i want to buy a lego i'm on the way home now you've turned me on well I hope you keep your social distance Panic buying Did you panic buy meat by the way? I went to Tesco on the way home

From doing the pod yesterday And I bought some perishables I bought some meat And that's just The fridge is full now Right It wasn't like a mad panic buy I wasn't being a knob at it

It was just like a A little bit It was a big shop I did a big shop A little bit of meat I did a big shop It'll last two weeks Yeah It was a big shop. I did a big shop. A little bit of meat. I did a big shop. It'll last two weeks.

Yeah. It was enough for two weeks. So you've got meat. I've got veg. I didn't even like my veg choice, but I'm not a particularly healthy person. Salads keep me ticking over. So really, I'd like to say meat.

However, which meat, if you had to lose all of the meats meats which would be the meat to take you to the end of your days which honestly is probably so i can keep one meat you mean you've got to keep one meat which meat stays um see lamb's my favorite but i think chicken's the most versatile isn't it you'd be such a maverick if you said lamb. Why? Because lamb's just straight down the line. What can you do with lamb? It's lamb, isn't it? Yeah.

Lamb. You can't have lamb dippers. You can. You can't bread lamb, deep fry it. Lamb dippers. Challenge accepted. What's wrong with that? A leg of lamb is like the best meat in the world.

Right. Lamb that like falls off your fork soft lamb oh god i need a wank i need a wank meat wank weirdest place you've ever had a wank my new one is going to be this studio laura's like he can't come around as long as you hand sanitize he started wanking over lamb right he's not coming back get the skype connection ready i'm locking him down never wank over your lamb you want to put it under it and give it a bed you want to say chicken but it's almost like the same thing as saying veg if it's veg or meat you're like oh i should say veg but is chicken the one you actually want or are you just being like are you playing the game being

versatile like it should be chicken chicken's the most versatile that's the thing you can chicken wings amazing chicken breast amazing chicken burgers amazing how long how old are the chicken wings 72 hours because if they're 72 hours old leave them the fuck in the box dickhead got salmonella on monday shit myself twice on tuesday right out of town paper Wednesday. And on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I was in hospital. I pooed blackcurrant in a separate issue. That was Hakuna Matata, wasn't it? I pooed blackcurrant. I pooed blackcurrant.

It's a wonderful one. I pooed blackcurrant for the rest of your days. It's a proper thing. It's dissonant.. It's dysentery. I poo blackcurrant. I poo. High point of the pod so far, sir. A word from our sponsors, who are probably regretting their decisions.

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choose Voxel Comedy. Oh, Jesus. Just before we do the last bit, just another thank you to everyone who's been signing up to the Patreon. We're so, so grateful that people are doing it. Now, we've said that we're going to list everyone. We're going to give a shout-out to everyone who signs up to the £10 tier of the Patreon. We're so, so grateful that people are doing it. Now, we've said that we're going to list everyone. We're going to give a shout out

to everyone who signs up to the £10 tier of the Patreon. It's going to get tedious if we do that every day. There's been a few as well, haven't there? Yeah. Amazing.

It's really appreciate you guys. It's wonderful. We're going to do that every Monday. If you sign up to the £10 tier of the Patreon on every Monday episode during the shutdown, we're going to list you all

at the end of the episodes. And I'll not play the... We need a better bed for them. We need a cool, upbeat one. Yeah, appreciate you guys. But we do appreciate the £3 and the £5 sign-ups, just as much as the £10. Whatever you can afford,

we can't tell you how much it's helping to make this possible and doable. This has taken up a good few hours of our day every day at the minute, and we're doing it for you guys, and the fact that people are chipping in is humbling it's amazing and on a monday we'll do a little you know a little salute to the troops if you do want to sign up to that it's patreon.com slash have a word pod uh feel free to go and sign up whenever you can we're very very grateful for it nice one now. Now, should we have a have a word? Yeah, let's do some have a words. I want to solve some issues, mate. It's time for have a word with Adam and Dan. Mate, you don't have to sing every fucking feature.

Why? I thought we'd got away with that one. Oh, that is, to be fair, that is your best work. You did say you liked that one. I thought I was allowed to do it. Go on. Time for have a word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems that you got with your

friends. I think someone should put this to music. La la la la la la la la fucking the bit. I've run out of words. We should definitely get someone to officially record that. Eh? And then I will officially be a songwriter. And if you don't want that to happen, unsigned

from the Patreon. Okay. Okay. I, look, we had an agreement at the start of this that we said whoever sends us in, we will read their problems out, we'll read their have-a-words out, and even if we think they might be lying or taking

the piss, we'll still read it out because we don't want to accuse anyone of anything. However... But we can sniff out bullshit. It takes me a while, as we've proved today. Adam nearly fucking frauds his miss. Hi guys, loving the podcast,

been listening from the start and recommended to all my friends. Please could you have a word with my friend, Dave. Not our Dave, a different Dave. He's been suffering in silence

with having a very under average sized penis. And there's recently been an app created called Dinky. Dinky One, which is a dating app especially for men with small penises he's afraid to join it as he thinks the ladies on there will just be there to take the piss please have a word with him because i think it's his chance to find real happiness instead of living a sexless life i'd prefer to stay anonymous

just call me Fred. Thanks, guys. It's just having a fucking... This is what happens when everyone's on fucking shutdown. I'm going to rise into the pod and tell them Dave's gone and signed it. Why don't you write your book? Never mind that. I'm writing Dinky One. His mate

Dave has got a micro penis. Or at least a very small one that's just a small penis might not be and their website's called dinky one dinky one dinky one.com i'm just going on the app store to see if it's real oh adam you don't need to do that dinky one.com is not real oh my god it is fuck off there's a there's a dating app Called Dinky One No you're lying I don't believe you I am lying No

I got my phone Oh I shouldn't Let you go for it Damn it That's how you know You got me I was like you're lying Do you know if you say

Gullible dead slow It sounds like orange Don't You nearly did it I'm not playing that You nearly fucking did it I said don't No

So that was from Was from Fred slash liar. Slash a liar. We do appreciate that and feel free to send us some bullshit because we don't fucking mind. We'll read it as clearly as clearly.

What a website that'd be though. I've just had too many guys with big dicks and frankly I've got you know a sore cervix so i'm looking for love at dinkyone.com i am i mentioned this a couple of episodes ago that my penis is um it's it that i believe the term is grower not a shower yeah yeah yeah um which means that you know if i'm having a piss in the urinal and you have a little glance to your right which you know men are prone to do we have a little look sometimes don't we we can't

help it um you might be like oh poor guy but if you've seen it erect you'd be like do you know what could do a little bit of damage that yeah yeah seeing where it's come from six inches of what erect six inches and a little bit wow wow but when it's on when it's on flop why are you telling him a newt it's like it just seems relevant guys just one day he told me once that if the first time she'd seen my penis, if it was floppy, we wouldn't be together. What season of the year was it? Because honestly, midsummer's day, I can look quite respectable. Catch me skiing.

Catch me outside, look at that. I got a third nipple. Oh, fuck me. I can disappear back up in there. You got a belly button dick. Oh, fuck me. I can disappear back up in there. You got a belly button dick. Oh, a little turtle dick. Danger. Danger.

Yeah. I did a bit of stand-up about this at one point. I once asked Jade if I was drunk, and I said, do you like me, Zich? Is it good? Do you like it? And she said it was nice,

and I lost me fucking shit. I was like, nice? Nice. She's like, yeah, that's the compliment. So I was like, nice, nice. She's like, yeah, that's the compliments. I was like, nice as a compliment to like a cottage pie.

Yeah. Not to a dick. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Lovely. No, you've got a lovely day. Painful,

awful, horrendous. They're compliments. No, no, no. You've gone too far the other way. Impressive.

Damaging. Aggression. Scaging. Fucking aggression. Scarring. Oh, dear. Oh, dear, Adam. Powerful. Gargantuan. Yes.

Frightening. Thunder. Lightning. Your big dick is frightening. The new Ford Focus. From 13999. If anyone ever says, if you're a girl listening to this,

if you're a boyfriend, but I think you're, you know, you're inside of trading, you know this, if you're a gay guy, you know to be like, babe, that is a whopper. But girls, if you're just,

if you're curious, honesty is not the best policy. When a guy's like, babe, I know you've not been with loads of guys before me, but I know, if you're just, if you're curious, honesty is not the best policy. When a guy's like, babe, I know you've not been with loads of guys before me, but I know I love you to bits, but it's my dick. It's my dick quite big. Your skull, babe.

It's great. It's fine. I love it. Yeah. I love it. It's perfect for me. It's perfect for me. That's what we want. But you've always said you've got a small vagina.

No, no, no, babe. Ignore that. Didn't you say you've got a micro? Didn't you say you've got a micro... Didn't you say you've got a shallow... A shallow vag? No, babe. That was a separate. That's a different... You've got confused. Shallow vag.

I'm so sorry. That's equal to shallow how? Shallow vag. Is that a real thing? Can you have a Shallow Vag? Yeah, of course you can. Hey, ShallowVag.com should literally have a link up with DinkyOne.com

Yeah. Those are two websites that don't exist, by the way. What was... You're suggesting a merger of two companies that don't exist. What would Shallow Vag... You couldn't call it shallow vag, could you?

What could you call it? Polly Pocket. And then if you've got a big vagina, you call that Polly Put The Kettle On, because you can use your labia to flick the switch. Polly Put The kettle on Because you can use your labia To flick the switch Polly put the kettle on Ping From the living room You look scarred

But yeah Your dick is good for me I like it I love it You've got to Hey babe And do that Hey

Babe I love it I love your dick I love your dick It's got to... Hey, babe. And do that. Hey, hey, hey. Babe. I love it. I love your dick. I love your dick. It makes... Oh, it's the best I've had. It is. It is the perfect fit.

Yeah. It's the equivalent of when a girl says to us, does this still fit me? Of course it does. It looks even better than when you bought it, if anything. It looks great because women should have curves. Yeah. And that little indentation where your nickel line's pulling.

No, but that's sexy, isn't it? It's a real woman. That's a real woman. I don't want any of these stick insect fucking girls. It still haunts me to this day. I want a woman. A nice dick. A nice dick.

Adam, do you just want to get your dick out? Is this where this is going? You brought this up and you've literally just looked me in my eyes and three times said, a nice dick, a nice dick. I feel like you're trying to do some Derren Brown dick shit on me. Get it out. But let's do it on TikTok. My first post on Dinky what?

To the Tally's theme tune. Tinky Winky Dempsey Oh that would make the child's son really wet Have you seen her in that little bit?

Have you seen Catch Me Outside now? No She's banging Is she in Catch Me Outside? You're obsessed with that What are we even talking about? I forgot what we were talking about

Where are we in the whole process have you read one yet I can't remember what we've read oh dinky1.com I can't decide if this is the worst episode we've done or my favourite I think it's been a bit of both our new sponsor

shallofadge.com if someone wants to make that or yelp oh my god god jesus so erm we've got another...

Have a word. Fucking yelp. That was good. This is from Jay Chambers. His Twitter is at JayChambers21. You need to have a word with me girlfriend. When she has toast, she has it with mayo, not butter. It's disgusting, especially when I have to spread it for her,

and he sends us a picture. Ooh. Do you know what was weird? If you showed me that without the mayo behind it, I'd be like, yeah, this one's like some butter. That's all right, yeah. Yeah. But knowing it's mayo.

Do you know how I love the simplicity of that? What's he called? Jay Chambers. He came to see us in Chester. Shout out, Jay Chambers, for just getting it. Youester Shout out Jay Chambers For just getting it You don't need to tell I love it when people are like Mate this is so simple

Let me just Concisely Tell you what the fuck's going on She Spreads mayo Hang on Does she spread butter then mayo No just mayo

That'd be too much I mean it is too much Can I throw it out there You're a big mayo fan You know Burger Chicken burger Catch me inside But No So you fan you know burger chicken burger catch me inside but no so you'd

have mayo and chicken burger i wouldn't you know when people have like condiments yeah with the say you're having your lamb dippers yeah yeah or chicken dippers and a mint sauce you're fucking wuss what what do you dip it in i have like mint sauce from a curry house. Do you ever get like a squeezy bottle from B&M? With what? Pizza. Oh my God. Daniel, no. Can I tell you something?

No. Can I change your life? Listen, pizza, pepperoni, margarita, whatever's your bag. You know hot sauce for wings? Me feast with jalapenos. You know, what's it called? Red hot wings.

Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. Frank's Red Hot. A little bit of that on a side. And then a little bit of mint yogurt that's meant for a curry. That is a fucking flavour combo. Don't look... Honestly, Adam, you're looking at me like I'm mad. I've panic bought both of those things.

Frank's and mint yogurt. I'm ready to go. That's awful. The lockdown going but tasty. That's awful. I love Frank's hot sauce. Frank's and mint yogurt. I'm ready to go. That's awful. The lockdown going a bit tasty. That's awful. I love Frank's hot sauce. I love buffalo chicken wings. Adam, do you like the mint yogurt from curry houses?

Not really. Oh, okay, right. I mean, up to now, I haven't really... When I get a curry, I just... I don't mix anything inside. I just have my curry. What? What about the poppadoms?

Dip them in my curry. What? What did you just say? No you don't Dipped me poppadoms No you get your poppadoms first Then you get the pickle tray Yeah but

Who gets curry At the same time as poppadoms Of all the shit you've said When you were shouting Nice dick nice dick nice dick That was less weird than like I put me poppadoms in me curry You fucking animal

I'd be like Get out get out get the fuck out listen even though we're on lockdown we shouldn't be sold you a car no that's kadeem bro and even he agrees with me you're a fucking weirdo bro what who puts fucking poppadoms in curries right oh my god let me just tell you something i've just remembered my sister-in-law came this was last year i i can't believe i've never she did this got the fuck we got a takeaway indian everyone did the thing we got like eight nine ten poppadoms you know when four people are eating etalites have got a bit sat there she took her two or three poppadoms put them on a plate

no kept them in the bag she took everyone else's out put them in the bag scr No, kept them in the bag. She took everyone else's out. Put them in the bag. Scrunched them up in the bag to make poppadom dust, like crisp dust. Poured them out onto the plate. Then made a little hole in the middle. And then poured a little bit of mango chutney in. A little bit of mint yogurt in. Then some of the onion stuff. Mixed it all in. Made a fucking Indian takeaway.

And ate it like cereal. Cement. And then ate it like cereal. That amazing i'm here for that that is fucking you have mint yogurt on pizza you pedophile try it try it try it before you fucking watch list with the government she ate poppadoms with a spoon yeah and she's listening to this as well i've just remembered that her and tom listen emily emily i love you but that i'm and the thing is that this is what disturbs me the most it upset me at the time but there's part of it same with this episode it was it was i was really impressed and disturbed it was one of those things i'm like

you've really discombobulated me i was like i don't know if you're a genius or a fucking animal genius do you not keep you're having to go with me for poppadoms in your curry do you not keep like a poppadom left like you get like three don't you two or three and you have one yeah maybe i have a bit of lime pickle they're not good they're not good in the curry mate they're great in the curry oh mate yeah it's like saying the curry. Oh, mate. Yeah. It's like saying, I keep the pickle tray out and then I get a bit of naan bread and put it in the mango chutney.

Like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, that would be weird. Oh, that'd be weird. Yeah. Garlic naans for your curry, poppadoms are for the pickle and for the curry. Right, I'm taking you for a curry now.

We've had one restaurant reopen for quarantine. You and me, we're going in. What's your curry of choice? It's obviously lime. No, it's not actually. It's chicken. Mate, you're a complete contradiction. I don't even know you.

No, but the lime in curry is not the same as like a leg of lamb. Oh, okay, fair enough. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So here's what I go for. Two or three poppadoms. Yeah. The pickle tray and stuff.

I'm with you. Do you like lime pickle? Yeah. Oh. Love it. I've done it so so far we're a perfect little date nice dick nice dick are we having a starter

of course we're having a starter lamb tikka starter oh yeah also there's me lamb I do love a chicken pakora

because it's basically foreign dippers we're getting bargees as well yeah yeah yeah lamb tikka and bargees you can have your chicken pakora lamb tikka bargees Adam so far,

I'm so with you. A hundred percent, we could just share, get extra share. Great. I'm not doing that thing of like, I like sog doll. Fuck off.

I'm getting chicken madras with no coriander. Okay, fair enough. You can get your own curry. I just thought we were going to be little, I thought we were going to be curry bays. So what's your curry? Er, booner.

Booner. I like a chicken tikka booner. Yeah. Just to make them say it back. Jade gets a veggie booner.

Of course she does. And then to share, I'd like to get some chips and some mushroom pilau. No, what the fuck good does that do me, bro?

Why? What's wrong with that? Mushroom pilau? Pilau rice? Mushrooms? Yeah, mushroom in the rice. Oh, nasty bro. Why? What's wrong with that? Mushroom pilau. Pilau rice? Mushrooms? Yeah, mushroom in the rice. Oh, nasty bitch upset me.

What's wrong with mushrooms? I just don't get it. You don't like mushrooms? No, mate. They're basically fungus. Yeah. It's basically athlete's dick in your pilau rice. Yeah.

I like your athlete's fucking... Oh, no! Oh, nasty bitch. Do you... Nam bread? Do you go a little... Garlic naan. Okay, good one. Garlic naan. What's the weird one that fre, do you go a little... Garlic naan. Okay, good one.

Garlic naan. What's the weird one that freaks me out? Peshwari naan. No, the one beyond, yeah, that is a bit weird, but I kind of like it. Kima. I've never even had it. Mate, that is a naan where the dirty bastards

sneak a kebab in it. I mean, that sounds amazing. It's literally like, you when they like put files in cakes for prisoners yeah yeah they sneak in fucking meat and you oh it's just a number don't worry about it what's in there that animal like you like i'm gonna have to get a curry on the way home to go up be like a lap fuck i want to have a leg of lamb start talking what's the other word oh mayo yeah you're wrong whatever it is it is Mrs. Name But now I feel bad I feel bad for saying she's wrong

Because I have mint yoghurt On my pizza Yeah you It's weird Please Give me Listeners Before

I know This is what Everyone loves doing this You fucking weirdos mate I found a picture of you Being weird Before you do that shit And I'll take it

Dave knows how to take a laugh Try it Try it in the lockdown But they've how to take a laugh. Try it. Try it in the lockdown. But they've got to order a pizza and a fucking curry. How shitty is it, haven't they? No, you've just got to prep it. You've got to prep it, mate.

You've got to have the mint yogurt. So you've got to get like a curry one day, save the mint yogurt, and then order a pizza the next day? Oh, mate, that's maverick. I mean, if you're willing to prep like that. Yeah, but you can just get the mint yogurt squeezies. It's really good, man. It's really good.

I don't believe you, but I will give it a go. And if it's horrible, I'm holding you responsible. Mayo on toast is the kind of thing that when you love someone, you're like, ah, it's one of those weird things she does. But if you're two weeks in and you're like, yeah, I'm just going. You've got to hide that for six months, I think. Yes, mate. You've got to just not have toast around your partner for six months. then they say just want to let you know it's time i've got it i love you i have i've known for a couple of months now it's just it's clicked and

i love you and then you can go right let's go to the kitchen you can't leave me now you said you love me yeah also i've got anxiety depression and ibs you know before when I took you out three times a week and we were having great fun and we were like such a laughing five guys, actually I like wanking and playing FIFA so get on board with that shit what's the weird shit that you kept in your little Adam's weird emotional

cupboard before Jade, how long, six months in, three months, you sort of gradually open the cupboard like I'm so fun, I'm dead I know we've got lost on the way to like a mate's house and you know this motorway journey has been banter but then after two months you're like a psycho on the m62 i didn't purposefully try and hide anything but um i didn't play fifa around there for a while and i think she hates that because i get fucking fuming like i've already broke one of my pads in the shutdown. It's gone.

And I snapped it in half like the Hulk. I didn't like throw it. I literally got me two handles and twisted them opposite ways and snapped the PlayStation pad in half. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. Adam, you're doing another lie.

I'm not. I'm not lying. I swear. You. I swear to Christ. I'm not. I'm not lying. I swear. You. I swear to Christ. I swear to. You twisted a PlayStation controller into. I've only got one left now.

And fucking, they've shut game and Curry's and that haven't they? So I can't get another one. Hey, I don't want to add to your health anxiety, but I think you might have been bitten by a radioactive insect. Adam is angry. Yeah! Fucking hell. Soz, but...

Who are you playing? I play online. I play FIFA Ultimate Team. It's like collecting fussy stickers, but then you get to use the players. Yeah. You know what? If I was trying to get laid,

I'd keep that shit to myself as well. I play FIFA Ultimate Team. I don't think mint yogurt on pizza sounds nice like when i'm in a money i spend about 50 quid a week on fucking packs and shit it's bad on packs of what packs of players on online yeah like an eight-year-old who's stolen his parents fucking credit card yeah but it's my credit card have you stopped doing that because otherwise we're going to lose Patreon sponsorship no I'm not doing that now I haven't done it for about six months

I'm getting better I've been seeing a counsellor you need fucking fee for anxiety but yeah I think the point we're trying to make is stop putting mayo

on your fucking toast if she's fit and you love her you've just got to put up with that shit if she's sound she can put mail on whatever she wants

put mail on my nice dick oh sorry caveat if she's fit she can do what you want she can do it fuck him

so there you go Jay what we need to know from you now is is your beard fit enough for you to put up with this let's call it

a pod here mate yeah we've done we've overdone it again I like it though I do it's call it a pod here mate yeah we've done we've overdone it again i like it though i do oh it's worth it and we've got before we do the song we've got a ledger today that i want to end with because we want to encourage these because there's a lot of dark and murky times out there at the minute um and i think giving people a-out when they're being dead sound. We've got our first one. This is from Chloe. And she wants to shout-out to her boyfriend.

Now, I need to just go and find... Just give us one sec. Initially, she didn't tell us his name, but then she did tell us his name. His name is Ross Hilton Inkpin. Now, Chloe's been having a bit of a shit time. She wants to nominate her boyfriend as our first legend of the day. And based on this, more than happy to give him that title.

So it says, hiya, lads. Hope you're well. Me and me boyfriend absolutely love your podcast. Fucking howling every time. I was just wondering if you could help me with something. I just want to give me boyfriend the biggest shout outs. A lot has happened in my life recently after being diagnosed with clinical depression, my business taking a really big hit due to this virus,

and my home life absolutely falling to shit. He has been unreal. He's helped pay for therapy, helped pay me business rent, he's let me stay with his family as long as I need, he's constantly making me laugh, and he would do absolutely anything for anyone. He's an absolute fucking star

I love him to bits And it would mean the world If you guys could help me show him that Thank you so much from Chloe So Mate Legend of the day First legend of the day

What's his name? His name is Motherfucking Ross Hilton Inkpin Well done, Ross. Good work, man. Need a bit more of that.

If you know anyone who's just been a good human, let us know and we'll nominate them for Have a Word's Ledge of the Day. There you go. Shall we do a song? What have you got? You've got a banger, haven't you? We've got a fucking absolute banger, mate.

Just before we introduce this, thanks very much to our sponsors beer52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club do go and check them out on social media and make sure you sign up to beer52 it's free for you to get 8 beers and we get a bit of money for that so nice one to everyone who's done that so far the song comes from

the the Coppolos yeah is that how we pronounce it yes you actually asked them I did The Coppolos. Yeah? Is that how we pronounce it? Yes. You actually asked them. I did. And then got back. Yeah.

I'm just checking. Yeah, it is. So the song comes from the Coppolos. It's called Get Out. Brackets. Out. Get out. Out. Like the Mickey Flanagan.

But don't at the minute. Like, do not. That's not advice. Stay in. In. Stay in. In. Oh, that should be Mickey Flanagan's new routine.

I've got to stay in. In. Are you going in? Or are you going in or are you going in in this is Get House Out by the Capolos nice one lads it's an absolute

fucking banger and we'll see you tomorrow see you tomorrow in a bit There's blood on my shoes A color on my shoe, a cut on my hand And all of your dreams washed in the sand You started once and at the end you're gonna go down

Cause this is our city and this is our town I'll tell you something you didn't know You ain't the first one or the last one To show your backs against the wall There's no one left to call You know you gotta get out, out, get out, out And when it starts to blow your mind It's the truth that we shall find

That makes you wanna get out, out, get out, out So get out or get in Cause trouble will soon begin There's always trouble in this town And it's coming round To get you So you better run So when your back's against the wall

There's no one left to call You know you gotta get out, out, get out, out And when it starts to blow your mind It's the truth that we shall find It makes you wanna get out, out, get out, out So when your back's against the wall There's no one left to call You know you've gotta get out, out, get out, out And when it starts to blow your mind

The truth that we shall find Will make you wanna get out, out Get out, out I'll tell you something you didn't know You ain't the first one or the last one To go There's one to go