Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #140 with Catherine Bohart - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

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Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday, pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, the Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favourite podcasting

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but we also think it's a fucking dealio. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl.

I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up!

Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Bloody hell

It's the bloody podcast isn't it What the fuck is his deal? Who's? Him. He's your best mate, right? Go. He's pushing my fucking buttons, mate. What did he do?

Ah. Sonia Luffy Stendhal. I just want to be like you, Batman. What did he do? That's so horrible. That's Sonia, is it? Yeah. I'm Sonia sonia

you look a bit like sonia yeah what's he done i see yeah yeah he's just being a fucking rat doing me fucking job love him though hey you're all right kid bit of to and fro bit of fucking banter all right for the blue he's all right for the blue he's all right for the blue It's alright for the blue It's alright for the fucking blue For the blue As blues go It doesn't sound right Doing Everton and Liverpool banter In a Cockney accent does it

Are you alright I'm just in a good mood you know Good Yeah Happy guy He's just a happy happy happy guy That's nice isn't it I love it when we all come in

And we're in a good mood Do you know what I'm going to have to do though just on a stand-up thing because you uh i just want to say i'm gonna have to you know the routine i told you i did on the apollo the doctor bit that you seen the other night yeah it's fucking fire i'm gonna have to stop doing it now for the tour no oh so in my head i was like once it, I was on the Apollo, it's done. So I've written it for that and it's gone. That's the way I see it. Oh, so that's when it's been, you're literally giving it up to the gods.

Isn't it like six weeks old though? Yeah. So you've written six weeks. No, but this is my guess about what you're going to say. You need to get a bit to replace it up to speed for when it's burnt. Yeah. But also, I'm finding new tags for it oh and it's doing me i think because i'm getting a bit of like apollo regret when i'm like there's these new lines and they work and i just want to not find a bigger punch line than it had and be like what have you done

oh because you've burnt it when it was really fucking good, but it could have been all-time great. It's too new. Yeah, yeah. Great when it... It could have been... I'm getting a regret, like, oh, what could that routine become if I gave it six months rather than six weeks?

I wonder if... And it's already fire, which is why I did it. And it's definitely going in, is it? I imagine so. So how does it work with the old editing of Live at the Apollo? You have no say. Did you do half an hour that's going to be cut down to?

I got told to do 20, maybe 25, try not to do 30. I did 25. And 15 of it was the doctor routine and 10 of it was Victoria's Secret. So. What, you only did two bits?

Yeah. What? Yeah. No, you started with the well you know you started with the jacket joke to start with the jacket joke which is two minutes long oh i remember you you sent me that clip where you're like i have bought everything i'm wearing i bought it today yeah to get you in the jacket joke yeah yeah but the jacket joke you already don't do anymore no that was good i burnt that on me special but i i just what i was struggling with for a while was a new opening bit yeah so I was like

just open with your opening bit it's a fucking great bit erm but yeah I'm finding new tags in a routine that I've already killed and it's fucking driving me mad

like last night so the the such a specifically weird like I wonder if people who aren't comics

get the frustration of that it's very very like specific but i totally know your frustration you're like you basically you've let one of your babies go to go out of the house but you're like but he's only 14 i don't know if he was ready yeah i've sent i've sent a 13 year old to work down the mine. And he could have been like Ronald E. Neal. A beautiful child to walk. Theo Walcott at the World Cup. Was he ready?

No. There's another niche reference. I did a great gig last night. If anyone's local to Stockport, there's now a weekly Wednesday gig. We're doing this? Yeah. I want to plug it for them.

I love this gig, and I love Aaron Wood. He's a good lad dr feel goods i've got a weekly wednesday gig they have a professional opener professional headliner aaron is rising through the ranks himself currently doing tour support for tom steve it's his gig he hosts it is he yeah fucking hell tom tends to take largely inexperienced acts on tour with him he likes giving people a shot, Tom. That's like his vibe.

Stephen K. Amos is the same, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. And in the middle, they have two open spots. It was great last night. I really enjoyed it. Good fun. A good gig. So the people of Stockport and the poor bit of cheshire check out dr feel

goods on a wednesday yeah well i ad-libbed a couple of lines in that routine when i was like are you fucking piece of shit this works so you've got to let it go yeah let it go what are you i've had a pretty shocking summer of writing new material and now i'm in that weird spot where i'm like i've got some brand new ideas that could go on to be great and i like on sunday i did an old bit that i haven't done for five years that's just come straight out of the lot like you know when you get bits out of the attic and you're like oh just that's how it feels material wise at the moment i get old notebooks out and fuck me, did it, as it come out, just working beautifully. Yeah.

You go, I need it. Yeah. And I think I'm going to do that going forward. Just this weird combo and all that. How are you with the new stuff now that? Well, I'm pissed off.

Right. Because what I've done, remember last year I said to you, probably on an episode, I think, I need a story. You've got one. You've got one.

I got rid of it. It's gone to war now. And it was a 15 minutes story that fucking worked and i've gone oh let's get uh yeah so i need another story it's the best place to burn it though isn't it let's be honest yeah it's great it this is very very beyond first world problems this is like first world living in beverly hills with plenty of staff problems like it's a great problem to have, but I need to write some new stuff.

And I've got a couple of bones of new bits. But yeah, I'm going to have to kill my baby already. It's also weird playing to the have a word lot, isn't it? Like we found on Sunday where you're like, I have never felt more supported by people who are into my comedy than the people who are coming from watching this to coming to see the live show and I have never experienced the pressure that I'm feeling right now I have in a way so I've done regular emceeing for years at certain gigs where

you know there's a hardcore of people who've seen you before and you have to turn up with new bits but you're emceeing so now I can get through several nights of emceeing without doing material. If it works out right, I can ad-lib the whole night. But there have been moments in these last two live shows where I'm like, okay, these motherfuckers have seen a lot. So that's a new and interesting, again, that is a problem that a lot of comedians would love to have.

What, you've got people who've really loved your stand-up and have seen all of it and they've watched the clips online and they've come to see you a few times what a fucking nightmare but it has given me the kick up the arse to be like i need to be freshening this up yeah even with even if it's recycling some bits that they've not seen from back in the d's what it has done though these past sort of eight weeks say is it's made me a lot more confident that I can turn this stuff over again. Because I went through a bit of a patch mid-pandemic where I was like, it's just not, the new stuff's just not, I'm not figuring it out. And then I got that Apollo book and I was like, need a bit,

and I need a bit in eight weeks because everything else has already burned, all my great stuff. Because in my head, Victoria's Secret wasn't an option for the Apollo because it's done millions of views online. So I was like, right, you need to get a bit ready. And did they say, oh, we want it? They said, yeah, we're happy for you to do that.

All right, amazing. So in eight weeks, I got from a bit that didn't really work at first and I didn't really know what I was doing with it to I was more than happy to do it on that show. And now, because my tour's going to be announced at the end of October, and my tour's a lot earlier than yours. We've sort of done it a weird way round.

My tour's going to start in February and run until May, and if we have to, I have a few extras, which I think we're going to have to do because some of the rooms are quite small. That's a more normal way of doing it. I just did it in a... I didn't know the selling potential of the podcast. Wanted to give myself time to sell and also get the show right.

It's my first proper tour. You're in a different position, the profile, especially with this TV. Yeah, I just don't want people going, I've got a minute. Why have you announced yours two months later than yours was six months earlier?

I'm just explaining. That's the normal way. So it's going to run from February till at least May and then we'll see what happens in the summer if we've got to add a few extra dates, which I think we's going to run from February till at least May and then we'll see what happens in the summer if we've got to add a few extra dates which I think we're going to have to. A couple of big Liverpool shows. That can't be good. But I've got a certain

amount of time now to get that ready. So I'm going to do a few tour warm-ups. I'm going to do a tour warm-up at Dr. Feelgood's early next year. 100%. I'll do a few little shows in Liverpool and whatever. A few secret Sundays or whatever. But I'm going to have to use my club gigs.

So are both things you did in the Apollo gone then? Yeah. Isn't it like half an hour gone from your material? He's got the stuff. but that's a big gap. He's got the minerals.

Yeah, but like, if you want to be a top comic and you want to get people to keep coming and see it, I don't want people to come and see me having seen the Apollo or club comic and go, to get people to keep coming and see it. I don't want people to come and see me having seen the Apollo

or Club comic and go, great, what's he got to say? And then the half of the show they've seen before. It's just not right.

It's going to be nearly 20 quid a ticket with fucking fees. You've got to give people a full new show and it will be ready by then. And then it's also about-

I've got another 15 that is new that is working. I can close a club now and do a set that no one's seen. It's also about... I've got another 15 that is new that is working. I can close a club now and do a set that no one's seen. It's just about the amount of stage time, isn't it? And you do a few new material nights or even put on some, you know, whatever, Adam Rowan friends or have a word, new material.

Like, you only need 30 or 40 people who are there to... You work like very few other comics. You getting stuff ready for February, did you say? Most comics will be like, bloody hell, that's just four months away. If you gig enough, that shit will sing by then. And I'm at Hot Water pretty much every night in December. So...

Oh, my God. I am not. I spoke to Mick Ferry the other day. He was like, we should do a comedian's drink, you know, in Manchester. And I was like, do you want to do it in January? Because sometimes that's what comics do. They have a drink in January when all the gigs die down. And I was like, sometimes it doesn't feel very Christmassy.

It's like sneak it in on a Tuesday. He was like, yeah, I'll have to love a look when I'm gigging. When are you gigging at Christmas? I was like, hardly fucking ever, because I've got a podcast. I will. I love this pod i won't ever love it more than december 2021 where i am doing four fucking gigs try and find me because i'm not telling you about them it's just it's great i'm doing one spannery gig in frodsham i'm maybe going to golborn just outside Warrington. I'm not doing the 12 gigs a night at Hot Water running. To be fair,

they've not offered me that, but I've not chased it. I'm not going to do all of them at Hot Water. I'm going to do all the ones at the club. I'm not doing those external ones. I'm just going to do the club. I'm only doing December as much as I am because I've got to be ready by February. I'm not doing it because in the past

I've been like, give me as many gigs as possible because I need as much money as possible because I'm fucking skinked because I'm a comic who's got to be ready by February. I'm not doing it, because, like, in the past, I've been like, give me as many gigs as possible, because I need as much money as possible, because I'm fucking skinked, because I'm a comic who's trying to climb the ladder. Now I'm a bit more comfortable. I'm like, I'm going to do the gigs that benefit the club, but also I want to get to the end of December and be like, I've got half an hour

that is fucking locked, loaded, and ready to go, and then I can use the whole of January and the first three weeks of February before the tour starts to get the other half an hour completely ready to go. Yeah, and if you've got new material and a new set running in December, like, we've bitched about it.

We've talked about it. The crowds at Christmas can be great fun. They don't give a fuck. It's got to be good. The stuff's got to be good. And even some of your best stuff doesn't work at Christmas because they they're like what and then you get to january when it's all like we've just come to comedy because we love it it gets so easy and it's not january actually it's as soon as christmas is gone and the christmas parties are done like sometimes

they'll be like it's great isn't it gooch the best comedy of the year when people are with their real friends and relatives from about December the 28th onwards and some people bitch about New Year's Eve I actually quite like New Year's Eve I think it's mainly friends I like New Year's Eve the only problem with New Year's Eve is you're gigging on New Year's Eve

and you don't get New Year's Eve I know what you mean I don't mind that while we're talking about this It feels like the perfect opportunity I am retiring from Beat the Frog Press the button What's up?

There's definitely a sad song in there surely Oh really? I'll do it I'll do it Go on Can you remember the tune? No. That sounded like a really weird call to prayer, didn't it?

What is it, Carl? What's the call to prayer? I like... I like... This is a sad story your face is on the fucking logo I'm retiring from beat the frog I've been doing it since 2003

sorry and I was sexually assaulted there by Freddy he stuck his bearded dick near my mouth and I can't ever go back you're going to go back once, though. Yeah.

With Freddie there. Because I'm a glutton for punishment. I imagine Freddie's cubes are like... For punishment. Because it was sexual. Okay. Oh, hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

Clever. So I told the frog it was really weird because I've been comparing their like three Mondays a month since 2003 when I took over but we're doing a testimonial essentially

aren't we and basically I don't want to do another Monday Leon Osmond's gonna do ten Tony Ibbott I reckon Juventus

to come down so yeah I spoke to the frog Mondays is one of our record days the patron exclusive goes out on a wednesday but we record on a monday and it's a long night and i just don't want to do beat the frog anything but as well as i used to do it and now danny mack and brennan are doing it brilliantly hayley ellis is a regular and i just feel like it's my time. I want to focus on this and the other gigs that I do. So the Frog have very kindly agreed to let me do that testimonial. My last ever Beat the Frog.

I don't want to hijack a normal Monday where they've booked a load of new acts. So we're doing it on Sunday, the 14th of November. It'll start at 7pm. It'll all be done by like 9.30, 10 o'clock and I'm going to sell it to you lot, obviously the patrons are finding out about this first because

they've got the early release I'm going to host my last ever Beat the Frog, we're not going to call it Beat the Frog I think we're going to call it The Last Dan or something but yeah it's going to be just in case, because we've got some casual listeners and we've got some new listeners as well.

Explain what Beat the Frog is. What is a gong show? A gong show is an amateur comedy night. The store have been doing something similar and I basically wanted to get something going at Beat the Frog and we did a gong show format and I ended up falling out with the store for years about it, which was really unfortunate. And that has finally been fixed which is amazing and that's a in big part down to the store and

we've just uh I've just done my first gigs for them um and this isn't uh anything to do with that me uh moving on from beat the frog is more about me being 40 and the crowd still being 21 and being like I don't give a fuck about your kids um but it's new acts in the first section it was newer acts that had maybe beaten the frog and got to the five minutes and then the second and third section was five six seven acts in each section usually about 10 12 13 acts each competition trying to get to five minutes and three card holders just three people in the audience get given a card given a, and once all three of them put it up

because they've had enough, they're bored, they don't think it's funny, and once the card was up, it had to stay up, and if I saw three cards, I honked the horn or rang the bell,

and they had to fuck off, and the frog decided it'd be funny to play Beck, I'm a loser, as they left the stage, which- Very similar to the Britain's Got Talent style of,

no, I don't like you. It's entertaining. It basically means that the new act has to pull their fucking socks up. Because when I started out in Manchester Comedy, we all got seven minutes at what I think it was called Red Roar or something. And, oh my God, it was bad. Some acts were good, but there was just no incentive to get your arse in gear. As soon as we started Beat the Frog,

my God, did the standard get going. And sometimes people have a stinker and we always let everyone try for the five minutes properly. We weren't knobs about it, but yeah, some really good acts have struggled to hit the five minutes and some absolute fucking lunatics have won Beat the Frog over the years.

But instead of it being the new nervous acts that are usually there on a Monday, we've asked all the Have a Word alumni that have come through the ranks while I've been comparing. So we've got Brennan, Freddie, Rob Mulholland's coming down, Luke Honran. We've got this list of acts. We've even asked Tommy Twisselton,

who's one of our listeners who started stand-up since he started listening to Have a Word. So one of our patrons is coming down to try five minutes. I couldn't resist. I'm even going to ask MC Africa Zulu if he'll come to do five minutes because one of my favorite stories ever from Beat The Frog is MC Africa Zulu going,

how fast are pigs? We've got to leave our egos to the door. I think the listeners don't really understand there comes a point in your comedy career where you go beyond gong shows and you're like i'm not doing that anymore if i'm gonna have stage time it's i get me stage time i'm not gonna risk being booted off by a cunty audience we're doing it i'm gonna try and do five minutes oh you're gonna do the five yeah i love it there's no point me fucking turning up and be and i know there's gonna be three of our country listeners just going they're gonna i'm

gonna get like four minutes 30 and they're gonna be like should we just fuck them off boom boom boom and i know it's gonna happen and i'm ready for it but when was the last time you got gonged off i only have got gonged off twice i got gonged off at the comedy store because i couldn't handle a heckle that was about my fifth gig and i got gonged off at a gong show at a pub in Stockport for a gig called A Laugh in Stockport on the day that I found out I hadn't got into university. Hey. And by the way, on any form of like carded show,

like the gong show style, you can literally just take one misstep and all of a sudden the gig's gone it's no judd like some like i say some very good acts have not beaten the frog over the years it is a funny little pressure cooker are you gonna do the clap off you've got to do the clap off at the end gotta have a winner that's mental no you've got to do it it's got to be a proper piece of frog but it's not so the frog we're like so are we calling it a beat the frog i'm like no i don't want everyone going on your website and being like what's this it's gonna be to our lot you can't be in a clap off with all i mean i'd

be very surprised this is why you need to sign up to the patreon because this episode goes out on saturday morning and so if you're a patron you get get the early release. You see that this is available. These tickets will be gone by Monday when this goes public. There's only 100 and odd at the Frog, isn't there? I think it's 220 tickets available. Yeah, they're going to go, aren't they? Yeah. There needs to be a handicap of some sort.

No, they're called disabled comedians. Oh, sorry. Sorry, Karl. That's what I meant. There needs to be a handicap. There needs to be some handicapped people um what you need why am i trying to get my own pod cancelled this is going to be a great night let me ruin it before it starts so i need to be handicapped in some way no we just do this thing we do it properly it's a proper beat the frog. And oi. On the other eye.

We do a proper beat the frog and we do a clap off. And I think it'll be fucking hilarious when Tom Twiffleton obviously wins. Smokes you. No. Because I'll laugh like, yes! I wonder if I can get MC Africa Zoo. I'm going to be like, listen, MC. You don't have to do the story about like,

and you know what it is like when you're chasing a pig. And then your brother, got you the pig. How fast are pigs? I'm very excited for this. But we're doing a clap off or I'm not doing it. Right? Cool.

You've got it. I want it to be the beat the frog that I did at the very start of my career that you used to host. I want it to be exactly the same. Even if it's not called that on the website, don't give a fuck how you market it it's beat the frog i didn't know it is a beat the frog and the frog have been super sound because this is something that i don't think anyone else would get this because i was i actually worked on the bar at the frog and was helping out in the office when we came up with beat the frog and it's and it's it's something that i've cultivated but they didn't have to let us do one of their shows

on a different night where we're basically setting the ticket price and everything. I feel like they kind of did. I have to let you do it. Oh, yeah, okay. Well, I still really appreciate Jess and everyone at The Frog letting us do this. It's fucking phenomenal.

I love them. It's going to be so amazing. And it's going to be a hell of a retirement do. And tickets are on sale now. So as you're seeing this, tickets are on sale now. Go to frogandbucket.com. You'll find it.

I reckon we can put the link in the description. And the link's in the description. Check the description on the episode and that'll be on the audio as well. The tickets are available now. So Sunday the 14th of November. You're going to have to be very quick with that i reckon that will be sold out by the episode and i'm gonna get a hotel and have some beverages with my face and your nose so you're gonna have some nose beverages oh i don't know what you're

talking about on a public episode adam that's a strange thing to say cocaine okay also cocaine also just to make sure that happens felix lighter who i do show me this amber with has said he'll come down and dj as well afterwards so it's gonna be quite a little partay to day day um fuck me i am excited about that i'm so achy man i had the um should we just say now by the way before we carry on if we're doing that on the sunday should we move that week's patron recording yes and see if mc africa zulu will be a weird patreon guest i remember when i first saw dan gompe i thought what is this his mc africa zulu doing the first bit of material i ever saw him do where he basically did west african local was one of the funniest things i've ever seen like

what are ghanaians like i'm from n Like, what are Ghanaians like? I'm from Nigeria. What are Ghanaians like? They are stupid. You see them and they're like, hello, I'm from Ghana. Just watching a sea of white kids be like, shitting it.

Because if one of them laughed, it was like, oh my God, am I being ironic? I'm achy because I got my first jab. I've got my first. Second one. Ah, yeah, Guatemala. Your first jab in basically October. Hang on.

He just jabbed me and said, that's the second one. And the second. The first jab. Is it meant to be eight weeks between them now? Hang on, hang on. You're confused, Carl. The first jab I meant was the COVID-19 vaccine. Oh.

His jab was a punch. Similar. There's no time that needs, you know. Right. Same day, not on the same arm. That'd be cruel. Anyway, bants aside. First one.

I turned up as a 40-year-old man, relatively healthy-looking man, and at every point, because you go in, you fill the form, and they take you through every point when it said first dose, they went, first dose? Which was basically like, are you a knobhead? And you're like, yeah, I am. I am a knobhead. I had to explain the, I had my first vaccine booked in,

and then I got COVID 48 hours before it. And then that still doesn't explain why the fuck I've not sorted it out quicker. I still haven't done my second one. I haven't. It's been 30 weeks. Right. Mine's been about nine weeks. Are you trying to style it out without? I don't know. been 30 weeks right mine's been what 9 weeks are you trying to

style it out with that I don't know I am concerned yeah I know it sounds stupid and it probably is but I don't

I don't want it you've seen the Nicki Minaj tweet I want to go everywhere no it's not that I'm not fucking mental I'm just a bit like I'd like bigger balls

I'd like yeah yeah like I'd like bigger balls. Yeah, yeah. I want a bigger dick. Bigger balls. I want bigger something. Surely by comparison that'll make your dick look even smaller. I don't give a fuck. Are there women who are like, oh my god, they're big mouthful. Full ball in mouth.

You don't want your dick to look like the start of the third ball of a snowman that's a weird analogy show you the carrot you don't want the carrot you don't want it to look like the carrot

yeah hang on hang on we'll workshop this do you think stones or yeah where did that yeah

thanks mate I um when's your next one then feeling really achy did anyone else feel achy after they did you feel achy after you

I felt flu-y I felt Hong Kong flu-y right racist was it yesterday it was yesterday tea time ballsy

what for today yeah I've struggled to find another gap to be honest because I've got the old jigs but I feel fine I feel really good

genuinely quite enjoyed just a bit like old and achy you okay with needles yeah no no I had to style it out

because I wanted to be like I don't look oh really no I can't I can't watch a needle go in me that would be like can you not

no oh I'm not asked what that means it doesn't bother me stab me go for it stab me with the blade Joel really doesn't bother me Just go for it Go for it Stab me with the blade

Joel Really Doesn't bother me at all Yeah What You actually watch it I don't like watch it Like sadistically

But like I'm not arsed I've seen it You're like dead scouts Go on Go ahead Go on lad Stab me with the blade Stab me lad

I'm just like Go ahead Which bit are you putting in Oh I Yeah good choice No don't do that Just check they're doing it Yeah I'm a control go ahead which bit are you putting in oh I yeah good good choice no don't do that just check they're doing it

yeah I'm a control freak oh I look away do you know what I mean I'm like listen love I know where this is meant to go listen to me

I know you've done a few but I've looked into this out here okay right in me fucking what muscle is it muscle

nurse Jackie I genuinely had a nurse called Jackie explain it was like the deltoid muscle or something she was like it goes in there

I just call it me mazzy muscle put it in me mazzy muscle your mazzy muscle yeah is it massive it's enlarged oh yeah yeah yeah

she might think you think your dick it's like have you what your massive muscle it's an organ great chat thank you

do you think you can get it in your dick wow Do you think you can get it in your dick? What? Do you think you can get it in your dick? Only on Booper. I don't think the NHS... I don't think those nurses are being paid enough to inject. And you'd have to get it hard, wouldn't you, to make it easier? Yeah, it's an optional, actually.

You have to pay for it. Well, for the... You can upgrade to dick injections. Ha! Awful! I don't want to talk about it Right in the bellend No You put it in the bellend

Through the eye What would that do? Just like give it a little clean out Yeah Oh no I don't like it You can get it in the arsehole as well Yeah

Oh god I'm really not looking forward To any form of camera in the dick hole The it in the arsehole as well. Yeah. Oh, God, I'm really not looking forward to any form of camera in the dickhole. But the one in your arsehole isn't a needle. What they do is they put all the medicine on their finger and they just finger you a bit. That doesn't seem as bad. What if you're like, oh, hello.

But you get like... Mr Nightingale, you can't come up for checkups every two weeks. I'm like, I'm really worried about prostate cancer. Booster. You have to pay extra for that. And then you have to pay even extra if you accidentally shit on that arm you put candles in you're fucking right so the finger your ass vaccine that's an optional extra yeah how much what how much is it 11 quid wow same as a same as paying for your own prescriptions yeah the nhs are consistent that's not a that's not a coincidence

do you pay for your own finger in the arse? You do. Did you sign there? Not with that finger. That's a smelly prescription. Don't sign with the finger. Signs things with the finger. Well, the finger that had been up the bum.

Oh, we know it's not your finger. There's no ink on your finger. I think we could have let that one ride. I was just being funny. No. No? It was factually incorrect. Yeah.

I like your T-shirt, that. It's lovely. Yeah, it's a bit of the merch. Oh,'s lovely. Yeah, it's a bit of the merch. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's a bit of the merch available at havewordpod.com. It says wag wag. Is it new merch, yeah? It's new merch. What are we all doing?

I think he's trying to crowbar a merch advert in. Oh, that's really impressive, Carl. Not anymore. Why don't you just throw in an advert for the merch that we've done? I just thought it would seem more sincere now, but okay. Should we just throw it in now? Yeah, just do an advert now. Just do a proper advert now.

Like we've already recorded. Merch advert now. Yeah, okay. Go on then. Three, two, one. Merch ad. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive.

We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch? For new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an add this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones, but when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra.

Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing oh we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking p though get some merch but he can't help himself they just but look at them look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it i like you i think I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in.

HaveAWordPod.com. If you can't read. Get on me. That looks really unprofessional. Doesn't it? Can't be having mics in front of your face on a shot like that. What the fuck are you doing? No, we can.

It'll work. No, it looks awful. Oh, have you ever had a sports massage? Because I've just bought one in for Tuesday morning because of these aches. And I don't know if it's just my shoulder or the burden of a family and such a small dick. I just want... I get a bit of pain sometimes from carrying this podcast. Oh!

Shots fired. I didn't know what one that was. Thank you for doing the prep again, by the way. I didn't know. Yeah, don't worry about it. Danny hurt. My shoulders? No.

Sports massage. I was booked in for Tuesday with a woman called Teresa. And Laura was like, what type is it? The type with a happy ending. And I went, I hope. And then we laughed. And then I did hope. You think Teresa's going to suck you off? No, I don't want to... the type with a happy ending and i went i hope and then we laughed and then i did hope don't you think theresa's gonna suck you off no i don't that's not a happy end i don't know blow job that's so too far just a handy i smoke in a pipe with a hand

you think a happy ending's a getting a sock i genuinely thought it was a handjob no it's a handjob i thought you goes a little time massage place and she's like, happy ending. You're like, yeah. She's like, yeah. No, no, no. It's just like, what? It's not what. They can't say it.

Oh, no. They pronounce it. What? Have you ever had a happy ending from a massage? I've never had a massage. Oh, no. I have. I'm a Chinese guy.

And he sucked it good. I was like, ooh. Hold on to your potato Mr. Jones No but seriously He did suck me off Against my will Where do you get a happy ending? I was mouth through it Where do they fire the cum?

They aim for your mouth Into a towel They go Nature has literally been Open wide Cum, kung, kung. No, but what? I know. So what is it?

There's two of them. One of them turns around and opens an arsehole. Oh, God, that was way too far. That was really graphic. You have to build that. You can't just come straight in. You start with on the belly and a wipe up. She's called the kumbucker.

Good job. She's called the cum bucket get the cum bucket in how do you call her cum bucket you just cum

cum bucket can we just say her name I think a tissue would suffice yeah but do they do that do they come into the tissue and they're like hold on

or do they come on your belly and wipe it off or do they like suck it like do they not give you a stop asking me like I know I had a chinese massage of a middle-aged man i didn't look what he did with

the jizz you off anymore but does she come on her own on her own face and then she's like look happy why the fuck would you do that that's the end then that's what it's like when you get your hair cut so many mineral yeah it's like when you get your hair cut and he shows you the back of your head you're happy oh i Oh. I'm happy, yeah. Nice one, lad. Can someone write in and let me know? Yeah, write in. Write in.

Not from your work email. Maybe from your private... Have a word pod at gmail.com. Have you ever said no when they've shown you the back of the head? What? Have you ever said no? What?

No. What? I miss where we were talking about hairdressers we've already you've mentioned hairdressers before yeah right cool because you i was talking about getting a massage what kind of happy endings do you get for a haircut like are you happy with that i fucking will be oh lovely fade i had a haircut this morning shout out to Crew Barbers in West Abbey Village who you just done

yeah what would be an inappropriate place to get a happy ending what procedure the most inappropriate open the hands the only happy ending

there is dad surviving isn't it I'm just going to fix that Mr Johnson and almost hang on hang on you're getting his heart rate going surviving, isn't it? I'm just going to fix that, Mr. Johnson. And... Almost. Oh. Hang on, hang on.

You're getting his heart rate going. His heart's working. There you go. Hang on. Here he goes. Lungs are going. I don't think it needed that in the end there, did it? Do you notice he said they had pre-cum as well, though?

Yeah. He's a professional. Let it hang. Let it hang. Let it hang. Open-heart surgery. Jack, that's the worst. Open-heart surgery. Yeah, we're going straight there, aren't we?

From cum bucket to open-heart surgery. What else? I mean, it's basically any sort of medical procedure. I mean, you can see why the massagers ended up with a hand shandy, can't you? Like, touching, touching, touching. I mean, you can see where the massages ended up with a hand shandy, can't you? Yeah. Like, touching, touching, touching.

I'm not joking. I'd accept it. Would you? Oh, I found Tuesday morning, she was like, and roll over. Oh,

you're enjoying this, aren't you? Mr Nightingale, would you like me to? I'd be like, is it cheating? I asked Laura, and she said,

yes, it was. I think it is. Is she English? I think getting wanked off by another woman crosses the boundary of most relationships, yeah. I know, but on a technicality,

she's a professional. It's worse that she's English. She's providing a service. I think it's worse that she's English. What? So it's not cheating if they're foreign? No. No, I think it's worse if they're English.

Go on, Carl. Die on this hill. If they know the local boozer, that's worse, isn't it? What? Yeah. Because you can see. If they know, like, the local booze, that's worse, innit? What? Yeah. Because you can see them there. Yeah, if they went to school

with your, like, brother or something, like, oh, fucking hell, I know you lot. That's worse, innit? That's cheating. Yeah. They can find you on Friends Reunited if they're like, I don't even know internet. That's fine, innit?

Keep doing that voice. Keep doing that voice, don't I? Keep doing the voice. And that voice don't know keep doing the voice this is why certain comedians yeah please write and let me know where the where the cum goes no context have a word everyone if that isn't on there that is a damn show um questions johnny says i know Dan hates China but how much would it take for you to do a secret Sundays gig

and say oh I don't know Chongqing shout out Chongqing how much you're asking for and who you're taking out with you genuinely

Nigel Ng let's get arrested wow oh yeah you don't like him do I have to fly out with him yeah you do yeah

I'd be glad to do a pod mid flight who how much would we need how much would you honestly it's good I don't want to you know I'm not taking the door

I'd do it I'd do it for expenses what just travelling isn't it sick it's fucking great it goes to China I bet the salt and pepper chicken

out there is fucking sick yeah yeah yeah yeah and it's not even called Chinese food it's just called food Chinese food. It's called food. Yeah. Yeah. Got any food?

What do you fancy tonight? What do you fancy tonight? I fancy food. Nice one. We'll just go to takeaway. Which one? A food takeaway. I want £10,000

already in my bank account before I even set off for the airport. Really? Fucking yes, mate. China? You're not invited to... I've slagged them off on one of the most successful podcasts in the UK.

Yeah, you'd be dead. They know. You'd be dead. They know, don't they? I'd do it genuinely for expenses, just to... I'd pay to live it Yeah

Go to China It's just another Aldi innit With the population problems Over there Defo sell out Because they're all Looking for shelter They just come in anyway

Right Yeah Stop sleeping in the front row Feeding your kids What's that Bear bile That's for you China You fucking animals feeding your kids. What's that? Bear bile? That's for you, China.

You fucking animals. Who are you to take over with you? We need two acts to take over. It's you and me. Probably save on return flight because I'd be murdered out there. Why don't we get a local comedian? Like... Mei Lin.

Very famous comedian in China. Piss off. Mei Lin. Have you not seen Mei Lin's stuff? No, come on. It's all post. No. You don't know?

No, it's M-A-Y. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I thought you were doing a phone in a in joke. No. Mei Lin. It is... No. You're lying. Oh, a inn joke. No. Mail in. It is... No.

You're lying. Oh, no. Sorry, I made it up. No! I can't go back! Comedy Central Drunk History. Mail in. Mail in.

Mail in. Fucking hell, I love that! The artist and architect, Mail in. Yeah, you're not having that. She's an American designer. Yeah. She can do 10.

Who are you taking over with us? Barry Dodds. Oh, yeah. Barry Dodds doesn't accept gigs in Staffordshire, so I imagine he's going to be really pleased about the travel to Chongqing. Shout out, Chongqing. Have you watched the Palabop movie?

That was unbelievable. I can't really get the context over to understand how funny this is for our listeners. You know when we sell a bit of merch and your phone goes cha-ching

and you've got like a little sound. That wasn't the bell. That wasn't the bell. He said Chongqing and as you said Ching it went cha-ching. So racist phone.

Barry Dodds. Steve, can we asky one if she'd come along with us and be our translator yeah which one has to be my tour guys i'm being the voice for stay yeah who's i don't think barry wants to go no he's coming okay we need another saying no all right okay so you're you're paying to go and you're pricing yeah yeah

5 G's for Baz yeah so Barry Dodds and Dana Alexander no she hasn't been on yet we only do live shows

with people who've been on or Kane Brown erm Stephen KMOS hasn't been on he's also busy busy boy Danny Mac

just to annoy him Paddy Paddy Pimblet oh that'd be good Paddy Pimbleton just to see if anyone started on us Josh Jones

again Josh Jones and barry dodds genuinely are two of my favorite people they are the least similar people considering they're both white they are very different aren't they yeah um i i think that would be a lot of fun i'm not going wedding invite mark says all right lids me and the missus I saw this yeah this is this is Mark says

alright lids me and the missus this is 100% true me and the missus are getting married on the 4th of December we're big fans of the pod and seeing as we're getting

hitched just around the corner from hot water we thought we'd invite you to our evening do because you're in the area I know you're all busy but we thought if you want to just

have a quick half hour escape from Christmas wanker parties not got any pop in and say hello. I'd love to buy you a bevy and would make our day. Love the pod

and if you can't make it we will see you at the Christmas party at Hot Water. Keep up the good work. Owen Carl a dildo kit isn't a suitable wedding gift.

Laters. That's from Mark. They get them too. So I think we should go first of all congratulations muscle toss we're celebrating

love here baby and secondly you don't know what religion they are that just means God is great it's called Mark Rimmer

dreidel dreidel dreidel is that one dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay another two pints reference two pack two pack dreidel dreidel dreidel is that one dreidel dreidel dreidel I made you out of clay another two pints reference Tupac

Tupac yeah that was Tupac dreidel dreidel dreidel I met you at okay that's why B.I.G. killed him because that song was so shit

did he kill him they reckon he was involved don't they it was Orlando Anderson how in the love of fat sweaty tits did we get

from Mark's invite to Tupac and Biggie that quick no I'm not coming to your wedding why I wish you every fucking

why let's go why why don't we go you're meant to be the guy that doesn't want to go why I'm not coming to your wedding. Why? I wish you every fucking... Why? Let's go. Why? Why don't we go? You're meant to be the guy that doesn't want to go. Why? I'm the nice one. You're the lunatic. What's going on?

Free bar. Oh, my... Is it a free bar? We said he's going to buy us a drink. Oh, it's not a free bar. In Liverpool Town Centre, there's no free bar weddings. I want to go. I want us all to go.

And I think we give them two grand each. Cash. You shouldn't even give me a grand. Right. If I get booked for China, I'll give you some of that fee for the wedding. Me and Adam are going. I reckon we buy him a present and we actually go.

How much, if you were going to Mark's wedding, if we were doing this for a laugh, how much would you put in the card? I'd buy him a present. Yeah. Right. From Mankind. He's getting a remote control drone. Mark's wedding, if we were doing this for a laugh, how much would you put in the card? I'd buy him a present. From Mankind. He's getting a remote-controlled drone.

As opposed to a drone. I'll get him a Superman-controlled. He's getting a novelty Rocky Balboa mug. A fidget spinner. And something to put his feet in Don't know what it does It shakes and stuff

And warms it up Oh I've got one of them We can just have mine There you go Of course he's got one of them I need one And I'll ask for my back In a few weeks

There's a Sutton borrowed And Carl's coming There's his blue Oh Oh And you can go Dan Oh And Steve's new

We've all got to be there Fink and Sing Oh And you can go, Dan. And Steve's new. We've all got to be there. Fink and Sing. I'm not going to China. I'm not going to your wedding. I went to a wedding there last week. Did you? In that venue, yeah.

Congratulations. In that venue? How do you know what venue it is? It says on the invite. All right, cool. Oh, God, you read the invite? It's on the email. Oh, he attached it. He's put it in his diary.

And we'll just drop that here. Should we just drop that in here nope yeah for the audio listeners do you actually not want to go nothing was dropped in it'd be funny as fuck if we just turn up

I literally put it in the episode because I thought it was going to be funny how you were going fuck off you weirdos and now you've literally made me feel weird

because you're like yeah fuck it let's go I didn't realise we're having a staff Christmas do at this wedding. I just think it'd be hilarious. We'll bring Will Hutchby to film it. We'll put it on Patreon. How mental would that be?

If we bought our own camera crew and they had their own wedding camera crew, Will Hutchby's trying to shoo out the way like, this is the fucking official wedding photographer. Videographer. I'm going, mate. We're all going. You need to clear your diary. We're going. Our diary's clear. It's December. I'm doing fuck all. We're going mate We're all going You need to clear your diary

We're going My diary's clear It's December I'm doing full call We're going We'll be there Thank you very much for the invite We'll see you there

Put at least a gram behind the bar Because mum are doing some shats His mum's not coming He was referring to himself As mumma I'm big mumma I'm turning that into big mumma's house Funeral gigs

Tommy T says Alright Diane, Adam, Carl, Finn and Steve. Adam has said many moons ago he would charge enough for a deposit on a house for a wedding gig. What would Dan and Adam charge for a funeral gig? It's already a shite day, so you can make it better.

Couldn't be any worse, especially if you're requested by the deceased or the deceased family. If you get punched, it'll make an amazing story on stage. So win-win, I think. Would you accept a house or part of life insurance claim? So how much do you need to play a funeral?

Never been asked. I've never been asked. No. I think my fee is the same as me wedding, which is 10 grand. Your wedding fee's gone up. It hasn't. Has it always been 10 Gs? Yeah.

Someone asked me yesterday yesterday and I said I always price myself out mate and he was like oh what's the price and I went I say 10 grand because if anyone ever offers me 10 grand

to do anything I'll absolutely do it but I don't want to do it so it'd have to be that and he was like fucking hell I thought it'd be 200 quid and a free bar

and I was like well you've not listened to the fucking pod however if you invite us to the wedding to not perform we'll just turn up for a laugh

ten grand's me fee for both of these things I will either perform at your marriage I'll do your divorce party I'll do that for three grand actually but if you're dead

or your nan's dead or whatever ten grand I'll come and obsess everyone and then I'm off I when I die I'm going to leave it

in my will to book a comedian that I don't like to not entertain all my friends and family on purpose and be that cunt. Uh-huh.

Just like a mean-spirited Who? Guess who's coming? Dana Alexander. No, I just said that because I said it before. I'm joking. Love Dana.

Stephen K. Amos. Busy. He's busy. Oh, he's a busy boy isn't he Yep Up to stuff What's happened to you In the past like 48 hours

I think Bill Gates Has chipped me And I've stopped giving Even the last of the fucks Like Carol Paborski And I did extra Don't care. Hang on a minute.

Did you just have the drink to swallow your tablet before the tablet? Yeah. Whoa. What the fuck? What? Yeah, yeah. You make a little bath for it. It pops in.

That's weird. You know, on the water slide, sometimes it parks. There's already a little bit of water in the chute. You get in, and off you go. I like the logic. I can't argue with it. I could have dried on it, just, you know, memory shout out in the noughties. Daniel Johnson

says, reincarnation wise, I'll it! Daniel Johnson, by the way. Goat 2. Goat 2. Lovely lad. Met him at the London live shows. We did. He's the goat 2 for good questions. He was at Pins as well, but he didn't come over. Daniel Johnson.

Eyelids. Was he? What? Is he coming to Chongqing? Shout out Chongqing. Daniel Johnson. Just to reaffirm, this question is from Daniel Johnson. Has everyone got that?

Who wrote this in, though? Who sent it in? Daniel Johnson. I even got bored of writing his name, so I just put Daniel J. Who got that? Who wrote this in, though? Who sent it in? Daniel Johnson. I even got bored of writing his name, so I just put Daniel J. Daniel Johnson. I, Lids, if reincarnation was a thing,

but can you see this? It is. Can you see the fucking line that I'm drawing through this episode? Gigs in China. We wanted to do that. Wedding invite. Funeral gigs. Reincarnation.

You're welcome! Reincarnation is real, by the way, but we'll get back to that in a minute. I, funeral gigs, reincarnation. You're welcome. Reincarnation is real, by the way, but we'll get back to that in a minute. All right, Liz, if reincarnation was a thing.

I used to be a wasp. But you, I don't, how did I find that so annoyingly ridiculous that it stopped me talking? Where did that even come from? You mad cunt.

Because he hates Freddy. I don't hate Freddy. I like Freddy. He hates you. No, but it is good annoying him, isn't it? I'm really good friends with Freddy. He's one of my favourite people to wind up. Yeah.

Sometimes I find myself just acting wasp-like, so I know. Dan? So silly. What wasp-esque things do you do? In my sleep, I'll just make what wasp esque things do you do like in my sleep I'll just make a wasp noise

I'll just say Sam has to wake me up he's like hey you're being a fucking wasp again I'm like oh sorry yeah anything else anything else

you ever rubbed your arse to try and sting someone no but sometimes I can be a bit spiky if I'm in a bad mood that's true that's true. That's true.

More of a hedgehog then. No. No? Hedgehogs are just trying to live their lives. Wasps are taking their anger out on people who don't deserve it. And that's me.

Right. And you can fly as well. Wasps aren't like evil. They are. Are they? Yeah. Fuck them. They're just cunty bees,

aren't they? Yeah. And hornets are fucking super cunts. Yeah, but you never have to deal with a hornet do you you

I did in a past life oh really it's a polymate school a wasp school yeah the hornets are the older ones yeah they're like the

six formers yeah yeah yeah essentially yeah wasp school what colour was the uniform black and yellow oh it? Black and yellow. Oh, it was black and yellow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty standard. Yeah. They didn't want to fuck with that. Yeah, yeah. Green and red? No, black and yellow. That's the latest.

Should never be seen. You'd never be able to. You wouldn't know where the uniform started and the wasp began. Yeah, well, we sort of just... Began. We just use our skin as the uniform. So it's not a uniform. You were just naked wasps.

Yeah. All right, cool. Good. Good. Wow. I've got a question. Yeah? What did you learn in wasp school? A lot of flying.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're born flying, Dan. We were meant to be taught. What? What? Wasps are born flying. Sharks are born swimming

no they are I can remember how are they born flying because when they're born they can fly oh no I thought you meant literally

we just come out of our mum's wasp pussy and we're like I thought it was like little baby wasps being shat out of the queen like mid air yeah that's what

happened to me you're just like the queen's like she just pushes you out fucking Dresden straight off to wasp school

they're trying to teach you how to make honey but we couldn't we asked we left it to the bees stupidest conversation we've had

by a fucking mile tried to teach us about honey but we were like nah we're wasps. Fuck you, honey. Oh, Jeff. There's a picture of a wasp.

Who's picture? Finn, was that you? I will fucking sack you on sight if you do that again. I don't need a picture of a wasp. What are you doing? Oh, wasps. Yeah, wasps. Of course they are.

They're not born. They're not. It's a saying, isn't it? Yeah, Ips. Yeah, wasps. Wasps they are. They're not born. They're not. It's a saying, isn't it? Yeah, I know. Sharks are born swimming. It's a misleading saying. It's not. What do you think a shark does when it's born?

No. If you say they're born flying, it sounds like the queen is like, and then they come out and they're like, like little fighter planes out of a bigger plane. Bigger pussy. They're actually larvae, aren't they? Yes. Are sharks actually born swimming?

They come out and they're just... What do you think they're doing? They're born slippy. Like the song. There's a song called... Are sharks mammals? Yeah. No.

They are. So they're eggs? They've got heads? Yeah. No. They are. So they're not. You've got heads? You fucking prick. So sharks... Do sharks lay eggs? Oh, this is so... What are we doing?

If Freddy was here, he'd shit in the corner. This is wrong. Are they mammals? No. So what are they? Fish. So they lay eggs? What?

Fish lay eggs. What? Fish lay eggs. What? Do they not just shit out swimmy sharks? Yeah. Fish lay eggs, don't they? Yeah.

No. They do. Fish eggs. Fish eggs. Caviar. Oh. So do sharks lay big fucking eggs?

I don't know. I think we all know. Hey, P.S., the person who's watching is going, I know they're trying to be silly,

but I actually studied sharks. I'm going to message Dan on Instagram with all the facts. Don't bother. I don't want to learn. They get shit out.

Swimming. So they're mammals? No, they're not sharks are not mammals are they they've not got lungs they don't breathe air

that doesn't mean anything yes it does I barely Freddie Quinn doesn't breathe air I'm not sure that's a pre-rehearsal of a mammal is it I think it is fish

I thought that was the whole thing if you have lungs and you breathe air you're a mammal I thought it was sharks breathe water it was a pussy birth. Sharks breathe water. It's a pussy birth, yeah.

It's not egg birth. Dolphins are mammals. Yeah. And they breathe? Underwater. Do they? No, they come up for air. He's on to something here, you know.

They've got a blowhole. If I'm right, you can all suck my ageing COVID fucking vaccine. Just put definition of a mammal. Is that a song? Spell it all the way. Ready, ready, ready, ready. Warm-blooded, hair or fur, secret male, not until they're breathing. C?

Milk, mammary glands, tits. So there's dolphin milk? Why can't you get that on Asda? I have nipples, Greg. Yeah, you're lying, Dan? So there's dolphin milk? Why can't you get that at Asda? I have no pulse, Greg. Yeah, you're lying, Dan. Sorry. Dolphin milk? That'd be expensive, that.

Do all mammals breathe air? Put that in. Put that fucking in. And if it's right, end of pod. Apart from, you know, the rest of it. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Go on, go on, go on. All mammals have lungs. Okay. All right, you can have that. What's Daniel Johnson's question? Ah, there is one. Fuck off.

The salmonly cola is the only animal on air if it doesn't breathe air. Fuck off. That's stupid. He says, eyelids, if reincarnation was a thing and you had, had it been a wasp in a previous life, would it make for the most mental three and a half minutes of podcasting ever? Yes,

Dan. It absolutely would. Thank you for your question. You managed to unlock a glitch in the matrix and got to choose your new self. Who would you be? I want a nation born in name future career and also what your parents do would you choose to come from a rich family if it meant they were tories nice one dan johnson so we have to be a human turns you said we have to be a human

just from somewhere else maybe if we want to yeah well so basically you find out right now lad you're in the matrix but guess what you seem sound if you want to restart this you can do it all again restart your life again you get to choose who you are what you are and how you do it can you drop in it like as a young adult i don't want to don Don't wanna be a kid again It's the matrix Do whatever you fucking want I'd be the weirdest kid Wouldn't you Because I'm a 40 year old dude

I'd be the greatest footballer Of all time But you restart don't you You haven't got cognition Of your previous life Yeah I'd be the greatest footballer Of all time

But from a country That historically has produced Bad football San Marino And just be like A fucking Marvel to people Just be like The goat footballer And play for San Marino and just be like a fucking marvel to people just be like

the goat footballer and play for San Marino the greatest of all time every time you have to play international football you're just being

chased around by postmen and gardeners yeah what a fucking nightmare that is but imagine if I won the world cup

for San Marino but that's the point you couldn't could you no you never know what position are you playing if you were a goalkeeper

possibly free roll a free roll I'm sorry if he's the best goalkeeper in the world but like not and goes in

no no no hang on hang on he's not superhuman to the point where he's like like the many hands of Vishnu shout out Simpsons he's still human good right hands of Vishnu shout out Simpsons he's still

human good right but I'm better than Messi you can't be just like oh yeah Messi scored three or four games

regularly but Adam Rowe scored 12 that's not realistic is it no so I'm just slightly better than Messi but I think I could get

San Marino to at least the semi-final and then people you know think about that run England had in the World Cup a couple of years ago. Played not on but shite. San Marino. It's basically just a load of

paedophile priests in it and you. Is it? I don't know. Famously? San Marino's the Vatican, isn't it? Oh no, it's not, is it? Fuck. The Vatican City is the small place

I'm thinking of. San Marino's quite Spain-y. San Marino's a country isn't it It's an actual principality Isn't it quite Spain-y and ornery No it's in the middle of Italy San Marino Yeah

I always thought it was quite Like Spain-y Let's get the old Google back up This is a A Google heavy episode San Marino Mao Not map Mao

There you go Bang in the middle of Italia Did not know that Yeah That's fucking mad that A Google heavy episode. San Marino, Mao, not map. Mao. There you go. Bang in the middle of Italia. Did not know that. Yeah. That's fucking mad, that. Well, they've got the Imola track, haven't they? Then they used to have the San Marino Grand Prix because the Italians are so mad about F1.

They had Monza, which was the Italian Grand Prix, and Imola, which was the San Marino Grand Prix, which was cheating. They're laying something new every day. And then the smallest nation in the world is the Vatican City, isn't it? Yes. Right, okay.

I got mixed up there. But there's probably going to be some paedophile priests playing for San Marino as well. Why haven't they got loads of Italian off? Because it's probably the size of like, Whitchurch. Right.

It's tiny, isn't it? It's not the fact that like, all Italians aren't amazing it's just a numbers game yeah so that's what I'm doing I'm the greatest footballer of all time from San Marino

and what's your name if I've got to be a human what's your name right what's your name erm Barry Tagliatelle you think the best player

in the world should be called Barry Tagliatelle Barry Tagliatelle? Barry Tagliatelle! Who's Italian? But he's called Barry, and he can't even pronounce Tagliatelle. Tagliatelle! The bad thing is, the greatest player of all time is called Lionel.

Lionel Messi. Named after Lionel Richie. Thanks for that pub quiz. But if I'm allowed to choose what species I am I'd be a falcon but if I've got to be a human it's quite obvious isn't it

there's like better wasps are there boss football called Barry Tangatelli on a falcon honestly I don't know where he's coming from with you today

but I used to be a wasp I'd like to be a wasp. I'd like to be a falcon. They're not even the best birds. Oh, it's a peregrine. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but you just go unnoticed, don't you?

So there's no pressure on you to be fucking great if you're not meant to be the best bird. And then when you're a good falcon, people are like, would you not be bored being a falcon? Flying all the time. What's a good falcon? But like, the falcons are are just like don't get me wrong they hang in the air and they're like

what I want to see a fucking mouse fucking mouse they're cool but would you not have all your cognitive ability so you'd be like oh shit

I'd be a vegan falcon as well by the way so I wouldn't be looking for mice I'd be like turn them wouldn't you want to watch the Liverpool game yeah

so you'd be this weird falcon that was like tapping on a pub window. Why wouldn't I just fly into Anfield? Why am I trying to watch it in a pub? Good point. He's a falcon, but he won't pay for Sky. Can't get a ticket. What? He's a falcon.

He doesn't need a name. But what would you be called? He's a falcon. So will the falcons go like, which falcon are you? He's a falcon he doesn't need a name but what would you be called he's gonna be he's a falcon so will the falcons go like which falcon are you he's a falcon doesn't need a name

Alex Winchester what the fuck is going on where's Alex Winchester watching a match I'm Alex Winchester the falcon that's how he introduces himself

perfect English followed by just trunced sorry can you speak English as the falcon I can say Alex Winchester no I am

you would be shot so quickly everyone at Amphire like what's that fucking bird doing up there no the regular's like he's in fucking season

taking all the he's here every week Alex Winchester yeah and he just flies down Alex Winchester I just go and chill on the crossbar

of the car get out the way every time they're having a shot you try and score you make diving headers every time I'm a corner I just want to watch the game

have a pie at half time not a turnip which type of pie meat free or kitty cut it's the game. Have a pie at half time. Not a turnip. Which type of pie? Meat free. Tito. Okay. It's the easy life of a falcon there. Just go with a match.

I'd be an eagle and fuck him up. You would? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be black. What? A black eagle. I'd be a black person. I'd love to be.

I'd just come back. You'd love to be and just come back you'd love to be a black american comic wouldn't you i i don't know if anyone this is quite a niche nfl reference but there's a wide receiver for the pittsburgh steelers called chase claypool he's six foot five fast as lightning his hands are ridiculous he looks phenomenal he's mixed race went to notre dame university and he's in the next few years going to become one of the best wide receivers I want to be him just and I'll do stand up on the night yeah and I wouldn't have to change much of my material that's how black and American my set is I reckon I could pass it off as like Chase Claypool please is that what

your name would be though what if you could choose your name You'd be Chase Claypool That's a bit weird Because then I'd have to Have his family and everything They'd be like Chase I'd be like What What

What would your name be Just be like Just like him Just be like Dick Dickpool Better than him Keith Rivington But then just be

Keith Rivington What he is Alex Winchester Where is your Random name Adam's random name fucking tombola is. I know where Rivington came from. Keith Rivington.

Why? It's the name of our accountants. Oh, yeah. Where did Winchester come from? I honestly don't know. I didn't even know it came from there. You're Keith Rivington, but you've got the body and ability of Chase Constanola

or whatever his name was. Constanola. Keith Constanola. Oh, Chase Constanola. What's his name was. Constanola. Keith Constanola. Oh, Chase Constanola. What's his name? Chase Claypool. There you go. You can't be a 6'5 wide receiver,

mixed race, look cool as fuck, have a nice YouTube channel, and be called Keith. Why? Change the game. Bring it back. Are there any cool Keiths? Did everyone think of...

Oh, yeah, Keith. Chegwin. Yeah, I thought of Chegwin first off. Keith Richards is probably the cooler one. Yeah. Oasis. I know he's not dead, but he will be soon. It's a joke!

Was Keith Richards the one with Orville? Shut up. Yeah, he was. Car crash. Who's with Orville? Keith Harris. Keith Richards. No, it was Keith Richards. who's with Orville Keith Harris Keith Richards no it was Keith Richards

well you'd be Keith Harris then and then I'll be your Orville as a falcon back together reincarnated but you can't keep us apart like when I was a wasp and you were a fly

you're not Alex Winchester anymore yeah but you're just you know Orville was a really likeable puppet character yeah Keith Harris with a actual falcon.

And all the falcon could say is, Alex Winchester! Or whatever it is. Winchester. Sorry. Alex Winchester! And then a monkey like, I hate that falcon. Yeah, but Dan, I don't have to be able to speak

because he was a ventriloquist. You've got to learn ventriloquist. All right. You've got to learn ventriloquism. Right. So I'm a six foot five mixed race wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers. But I also have a side hustle of doing a Keith Harrison awful. Have you seen Keith Rivington and Alex Winchester?

It's a bit like Orville the Duck But it's just this actual falcon going Me going, fucking hell, lads What the fuck are we talking about? Every time we have one of these moments I'm like, what if this is your first episode? I do want to be black though. Avert?

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20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? Welcome back. We are here, the Havowood studio in Runcorn with me, Adam Rowe. Carl Regal, the producer, stay in the background. What are in the background what are you doing

totally cool of us having something sweet it's weird and this is Dan Nightingale is that just because it's like the start of a police interview you know when they're like

the time is 3.15 the murder suspect is in the room and the camera's on what is that we just have to do it it's just it's for the licensing

no it's because you told him he was being very professional so he's taking it too far. Catherine Bowhart here! Hi! Hello. That's the right one.

Thank you for coming in. Before we start properly, let's say this. Catherine, today, day of record, so it's already been out for four days by the time yous have had this. Her new podcast, Trusty Hogs, with Have A Word podcast royalty, Helen Bower, is available now. Go and check it out it's going to

be a hit how are you i'm great i you know what i was thinking the other day i don't spend enough time with men and this is really this counts for the year i think i'm good now five of us yeah and we're all white as well so there's that that's done as well excellent check and check and all we're all straight this is your straight white men done for the 20s. We're nearly 30. You are men. Who would you say I was a man? That's a bigger question.

Straight-ish. You are men. But this feels like I got, I don't know, I feel like I'm undercover. Am I a man? Undercover as what, a man? Yeah. You've done a terrible job.

I'm wearing flat shoes. When you picked out your long red dress it's got a heel on it it's a it's a metrosexual straight man's boot it's fine um and you shave your leg you're not even trying i don't they're just very blonde all right okay i did shave them not for this don't be weird not for you men not for you people shut up i have no you haven't for the summer i have i'm gonna grow my hair back now for the winter you've shaved your what your legs for the summer yeah because you don't notice when i've had shorts on i don't look at your legs have you not noticed when he has no no you're gonna make me get my legs out yeah i don't want you to i've been shaving my legs with me gillette mac3

why why you keep saying summer it doesn't make any sense. Because it's warm. No, you're chatting shit. No! It's the end of the summer. I've stopped now. I'm going back. Okay, okay. Now you're going for winter plumage.

Yeah. Your legs were too hot. Bollocks. He's well known for having hot legs. You shaved your legs, but you left your hair long. You have a beard. No, this is stubble. How long is your leg hair usually? Hang on. You can't shave your. You have a beard. No, this is stubble. How long is your leg hair usually?

Hang on, you can't shave your legs and have a beard? It just seems like a random part of the body to choose. It's my calves that are overheated and not my face. No, it was just me. My legs were getting off. No, you're chatting. Please just admit you're chatting. Let's see them.

I've been playing footy with you. Have you not noticed? That's bad, that. I've been worried when we've been playing footy that you're going to be like, have you shaved your legs? You've told me not. No, no, actually, the other week I saw him and I was like, fuck me, but have you not noticed? That's bad, that. I've been worried that when we've been playing footy that you're going to be like, have you shaved your legs? You've told me not. No, no, actually, the other week I saw him and I was like,

fuck me, there's some shiny legs. And I thought that. I haven't waxed them. I've just been shaving them. Oh, my God. This is a less straight environment than I expected. Have you not noticed when I was wearing shorts that I shaved my legs?

Did it just for you? I can't believe that. I shaved the top part of my legs. Why? Around my balls. Right, now it's worth saying I'm lying. Yeah. Well, now I'm going to have to stand by what I said.

I shaved the top of my legs because when I shave my balls, I don't want my balls to be all like shaved and then like hairy little legs on the side i do the inner me was a me me manscaped lawnmower 3.0 promo code word 20 4.0 3 it's 4 whatever one it is so i'm sorry i have so many questions why do you these are my balls truths okay and no doubt but first of all i have several questions i need i don't know how to know anyone i can ask them okay the skin on a ball is not taut it's not until you make it which you have to do to shave it presumably easy to cut no no honestly not with the manscaped lawnmower 4.2

why the why do men often shave the balls but but not around the part you usually have to get your mouth on? No, we shave all of it using the Manscaped Longmore. All right, Adam! Fucking someone wants a holiday. I just give the general area a little bit of a trim trim. I think if you shave all of the pubes, you look like, you know in the matrix when neo comes out of his little pod and he's got no eyebrows and he's all like i'm not i can't do

that you look like you've got like dick cancer that was too far it was too far but it looks like you've had chemo in your dick and i don't want that i love how you're like it's too far but i'm going to clarify that i meant dick chemo question, do you have the same standards for vag? What do you mean? If they're bald, do you think they also look equally treated for cancer? Listen. Now, I'm married. I've been married five years.

So everyone thinks you are talking about your wife's vagina, and I am on warning to stop talking about stuff like this as much because several of the parents, hi guys, are patrons of this podcast, and their kids are in my daughter's school. But why are they letting their kids listen to this? No. The parents are.

Not the problem. The parents are patrons, and he keeps talking about Laura's foof. And they're still signing up and paying money. Oh, yeah. Maybe they're into it. Yeah, and that's fine. They can be into it.

She's not into it. Laura's not into it. I got it, I got it, I got it. You need to answer my question. So, yeah, I don't mind a tramage. I don't mind the full tramage. You don't mind it. No, I don't state a preference.

I'm not, you know. Good. You know, some partners go, this is what I like. i'm not asked apart from if it gets wild then i'm not but i'm not into it for myself okay like i don't i don't there's no wild thornberries for me have you breathed in a while and he's sweating sweating a little i'm enjoying this so i'm talking about my wife's foof on your question was do because we shave so i i just to back you up from before when i do me i feel attacked i do i do take me raise it to my legs but not to like the skin just i just trim it so it all looks equal yeah but what did at some point just halfway through you at your thigh it just gets

crazy no because it no there's not loads of hairs there you have to go to it doesn't look like you're wearing like thigh high boots no I get the Turkish guy to do it we've got a Turkish barber

yeah I don't do it myself I get Imran to do it and then he does a lovely fade and then he you know the thing where he gets the wax and the earbud

he does that on my dickhole oh I tell you, you feel alive Dickhole, that feels like a bit more of a bum thing, but okay None of it's real, it's bullshit What is this? That's the bullshit bell If we refuse to believe something you're saying at some point

We might call you out It seems like so far having been here approximately 10 minutes It would be quicker to do it when you believe something That's true If you're in a relationship, you don't get to decide the piobs of your partner, but you can be like, if I ask for a preference.

Why do you struggle to say pubes and vagina? Vagina. Piobs. All right, biology A level. Pubic hair. What? Can we? No.

We can say contour. Wait, edit that edit that out no not in the first 30 seconds because you get demonetized after that it's free reign yeah but this is an hour into the podcast so i think we're good exactly yeah you can say content if you want talk about your wife's oh no no no do you prefer a different word what do you prefer a different word to what to vagina i'm just trying to do be light-hearted on a comedy podcast i can't say vagina okay Do you prefer a different word? What? Do you prefer a different word? To what? To vagina? I'm just trying to be lighthearted on a comedy podcast. I can't say vagina. Okay. Look at you trying to, like, feminist me out of saying,

can you not say vagina, Dan? I didn't say it like that. I was just asking why you do the accent. You can tell she was a debate champion, just putting people on the back foot constantly. But are you allowed to state a preference with your partner's vagina vagina and pubic hair i guess that's up to them all right okay yeah yeah i think you can give them a preference if they give you one if they ask for it yeah if they're like you need to sort this out then you can be like well hey yeah second date listen before we get there what's going on down there? Because I have a list of demands.

Yeah. I just think, you know, just we should all just keep it sort of, you know, like looking presentable. Unless you're into, you know, letting it look like an old man's garden. I don't mind if it all grows evenly, but if it looks like a bit of an Amazon rainforest deforestation issue, then let's just, you know, let's just make it all. Deforestation? You know, when it's uneven,

like my back. You've seen my back. You've seen me back. I have. Why have they all seen your back? Because I've shaved it. He's shaved it for me. I've shaved it.

I was going on a date, so he shaved me back for me. You shaved your back for a date? Yeah. That's kind of sweet. Catherine, you would understand it. Wait, did you know

it was going to lead to- No, but you never know, you gotta be ready you gotta be ready do you ever not brush my teeth as well nice tell me you do that every day he no car shaves his back every day and then brushes they're very close i have a question do you ever um sometimes i won't shave uh my as it seems to be now referring're referring to as forest. Um, can you not say vaginal pubic area? Can you not say mons pubis? I can say that sometimes I don't shave my vulva of its pubes because I don't want to sleep with somebody on a date You know, you're like I'm gonna this will stop me from doing something. I shouldn't do

I'm going out of date. I'm like, you know what? Mama didn't raise no hussy. So... It's like she did with my mother. My mother would be like, get it, girl. It's more like... Hairy contraception. It's more like a way of like dissuading.

It's like a little reminder that I told myself earlier I wouldn't. Oh, no. So it's not... If I go to the loo, there's a quick like... It's not to dissuade them. They haven't been like, listen, I haven't brought a machete. I can't get through this. Packing away. A Rambo. It's more for you to be like. They haven't been like, listen, I haven't brought a machete. I can't get through this. Packing away.

A Rambo? It's more for you to be like, I'm not getting that out. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, no, I've never had, I've never made that promise to myself. Okay.

No matter how nice this lady is, she gets none of the fucking roadie for at least three, I've never had that. That was me in the mirror, by the way. I loved it. Not to any to not not assuming she's watching she my missus doesn't watch this she she found out very quickly it's released shift that's a bad idea um because she lies why is she less attractive when she does or because she i don't like what you say i just i think she wants

this to be my job and her to be my home life I am doing I started dating somebody new and um she's not a comic which I've not had in a long time and she also quite similarly is like oh I thought I'd just be your girlfriend and not your fan I'm like why can't you be both uh but she doesn't want to be both look no but if she happened to be I'm quite happy to have it As separate Like Sam You're obviously a more secure person Than I am Adam

I think it's just because I find quite a lot of humour In relationships I do a lot of stand up About my relationship Or whatever I'm going through At the time And you can sort of be a bit

Naughtier if they're never gonna see it That's true You can pretend they're stupider see it that's true you can pretend they're stupider than they are she does see your comedy though doesn't she she does

and I pull a few punches oh okay interesting yeah okay no I don't really but she doesn't come all that often and she's sort of

accepted that you know we've had a few we're a lot more sort of wild and out there on this than I am at most yeah totally

have you ever because I in a way, the value of her not coming is that I can, I was still processing my last relationship when we started dating, so I can still talk about that on stage, but I think that would be really fucking weird.

Yeah, you don't want to be doing the my ex material while the new partner. I've done that as well. When they bought you flowers for the end of the gig and you're like, thank you so much, sorry. We've had a lot of people saying, like, about the pod, like, you need to be with someone who's got your sense of humor in fact there was a question on this week's patreon wasn't

it a listener was like i i'm struggling to meet girls because i'm worried that i'm going to say i'm into this podcast and this level of mental is what's happening inside my head what do you think i should do i genuinely think you need, you don't need someone who's got exactly your sense of humor, but you do need someone who thinks you're funny. Don't you? So I know she's not, she's not a fan. She doesn't want to get involved with following you at gigs or stuff,

but she thinks I'm funny in the real life. Yeah. Also, I'm sorry, just to circle back. There are people who write in who are such big fans of this podcast that they're willing to rule out future prospective partners. Yeah.

Wow. We are the lifestyle i can you're a brand you're a lifestyle brand yeah that's like a faith that's like she can't get on board with my religion there's a few people with tattoos of the logo and his wife's name yes your wife's name yeah yeah one of our listeners they met her before no never met just from a stupid joke that every time Adam puts a hypothetical out about what I would be willing to do in terms of like another partner, he has to preface it with,

but obviously Laura's gone. So I went, well, where's Laura gone? And then the first time he just made up some fucking ridiculous story about her meeting someone from Mozambique and leaving with the kids. And has done it every time. As soon as we say Laura's gone,

it's amazing watching Adam just click into bullshit mode. And one of our listeners has got Laura's gone, tattooed on her leg. And that's part of the reason why my wife doesn't want her vagina talked about on the pod. Wow. See you on the school run, guys. That is intense.

I didn't know what i was signing up for but i'm delighted to be here oh yeah yeah yeah but you do the partner your partner needs to find you funny yeah but i can get that maybe they don't want to see every there is no more bored person than the uh partner of a comic who've been together 10 years and they're at a gig. Agreed. They're literally like, oh God. I took an ex of mine to Watford Comedy Loft. Sexy. And while I was on stage, she fell asleep whilst reading a book. I can't believe it didn't work out.

I nearly got thrown out of Watford for reading a book. I'm trying to think if it's worse or better to have a partner who's not a non-comic or a partner who's a comic. Because when you have a comic, they might not necessarily be bored, but they are analysing. So there's nothing worse than your partner being like, so that bit that you keep doing, it's not getting anything. Do you think you'll keep that?

You're like, oh my God, just read a fucking book. Just read a book. At least when my girlfriend does that i'm like you've got zero qualifications so your opinion means fuck all now on you pop yeah exactly and also you're not at all of my gigs whereas yeah it goes really well when you're not here yeah yeah that workshopping is pretty um it's pretty that's a bit intense isn't it how do you think that went laura's just like cool if you think it's a good bit it seems funny yeah nice one that's it seems funny yeah she's not asked okay and you don't take that

that would wound me to my soul it seems funny yeah i know what you mean you've sort of like yeah she doesn't say it seems funny every time yeah she's just she's a really good barometer of what will work on stage that's nice she's like yeah that's kind of funny see i she never does that thing of like have you ever thought about adding on oh good maybe a bit of a callback or something i don't yeah don't want it to be there's literally on the planet about five people's opinion i cared about when it comes to stand up yeah and you don't want to fuck me no there's there's so few such a sweet like brand shift for you guys what if we became a gorgeous couple yeah i think it would upset a few of our patrons to be fair oh do you think a lot of ladies tune in just for the potential no i'm sorry i'm just talking about the young

homophobes we're i would love to see like big patron announcement guys me and Adam oh I think it'd be so cute I would ship that really yeah yeah yeah little bears I love it what'd you do it if Laura was gone so Laura's gone oh no Laura's gone and my option's you no where's Sam gone with Laura Laura's gone she is Laura

she won the lottery 200 grand on a scratch card top prize one of one what are you saying my wife does scratch cards she found it

and also why does she have to win 200 grand on her big lottery win give the woman more money than that this is my story, Catherine. Sorry, just bigger hopes and dreams for Laura.

I love it. Yeah, I love it. This is how bad my marriage is. 200K and she's fucking gone. Yeah, she's done. It's not even a proper lottery win. Jesus Christ, I'm thinking about moving out on 15 grand. So she won 200 grand.

Yeah. She bought a one-way ticket for her and the two kids to Sao Paulo. Right. What, from Liverpool John Lennon? I'm sick of the fucking air traffic going over Chester. Is that Brazil flight? She's flown from Wrexham. Ryanair are doing it.

She's flown from Wrexham Airport. Right, Wrexham to Sao Paulo. That's the only route they do. So busy. Customs won't have a look at that fucking return flight, don't they? I don't know what you mean,

officer. David, wipe it off your nose. She's spent the remaining money. She flew for this class with the kids. Yeah.

So she spent the remaining money, most of it, still doing this, on an entire favela. A favela. Yeah. She's bought one-way tickets to Brazil, and with 200,000 pounds, bought a favela.

Why don't you just buy a nice house? No. Oh, favela. Right, right, okay. Well, otherwise, what are the kids going to do? Exactly. You know what I mean? Give them a job.

Put them to work. So she is now. Nice. Right. Right. Do you know, the worst thing about this is, I know when you finish this bullshit, the end is,

would you bum me? This is like awful torture. Just get it over with. So she's now- I don't think you don't want to buy in, but you have decided you're the top. Yes, go on. She's now redefining the role of slumlord.

She's sort of seen favorably by the locals and that your kids are prince and princess of the Sao Paulo favelas. It's so similar to what happened in Mozambique when she went... Adam just thinks if you're white and, like, Caucasian, you end up running whole areas of poorer countries. Oh, well, she had the money to buy it!

Oh, my God, Mrs Nightingale, you are not queen of the favela. Heather and Jack are prince and princess. Who's she bought it off? What? Who's she bought it off? John? Who's she porting off? John Favella. John Favella.

John Favella. You need direct elf. So anyway, she's over there. She's fell in love with a Brazilian man called Sean. A lot of Irish Brazilians, yeah. Can't we just cut to me fucking you? And Sean runs a local gas station. Right.

Well, it's maybe an Irish bar, but okay. Yeah, and she, yeah. No, he originally had an Irish bar, and he sold it to get a gas station. Of course he did. And they're in love, and they're getting married, and bottom line is, she's gone. So, would you ever think of...

You could watch the football together. You'd easily get a mortgage. I would. Anyway. You could share each other's wardrobes. Oh, my God. A second income would be nice. Right?

Would you fuck me in the body? As long as you shave your eyebrows on your legs i'll think that is so beautiful oh teary yeah so that's that's where i'm always gone comes from anyway i just wanted to give katherine an example of the uh i'm obsessed i know you know i know you're not into it but i am obsessed with this this couple go on. Sorry. Why can't we just be friends? Fine. I want a twink. I want like...

Oh, do... You pointed immediately. Oh, look. I want... He's not a twink. No, that's what I'm saying. I want a little... He's saying he wants Finn.

Oh. Oh, I don't want... He's like a little mongrel bear cub. He's like a little hairy honey badger cub. Mongrel. He's like a little baby thing. Isn't he? I want a little twink like, oh my God, Dan, treat me right. That's what Iger cub I want a little twink like

Oh my god Dan treat me right I want a really gay Thin shiny gay kid Man Young man I don't want like the gayest kid in year 8 Sugar daddy Yeah he's alright

I've been told for a while That i would be a catch in the gay community on what grounds i'm a chunky monkey it feels like a compliment around an insult yeah it's like men could maybe put up with that you know maybe maybe men with like a kink for other gross men maybe maybe if you could categorize all that's wrong with you into like an animal grouping no because men will fuck anything so you've got a chance yeah can i ask you a question yes i've seen one of your stand-up bits recently um which is uh i think from a bbc thing where you talk about being bisexual and about the fact that it's obviously not a choice because who would choose men yeah is that rooted in some absolute reality yeah yeah

yeah because i i hate myself a little bit more when i'm attracted to a man Than when I am to a woman Just because I think Ugh I'm still making bad choices You know what I mean Like Do you know when like And it Okay

My mum's not going to listen to this I don't know I'm suddenly scared of my mother But you know when you You do drugs in your 30s No Because I'm 29 And don't do drugs

Oh for god's sake Dan Would you try heroin No Okay I've done drugs Maybe like 10 times In my whole life So Yeah 11's not heroin and done two drugs? Oh, for God's sake. Would you try heroin? No. Okay. I've done drugs maybe like 10 times in my whole life, so. Yeah, 11's not heroin.

Yeah. Fucking one to 10's been steep. One doobie, 11. Golden brown, take your life's sun. That was quite a summer. But it's that feeling of like, when you're like, oh shit, I thought I was better than summer. But it's that feeling of like when you're like, oh shit, I thought I was better than this.

Yeah, Catherine. Yeah, it's that too. That's what it is. And it's the same when I'm... But also, to be honest with you, there's other times where if I've dated women for a long time, because I tend to move through like a solid period of women and then a solid period of men. But there will be times where like women are also hard work

let's be clear we are not angels but equally we do smell better so you have like you have eras you have like I'm having a lady era

having a lady phase like Picasso with his blue period yeah sometimes you just want to cleanse the palate with a dick you know well that's quite enough vagina

now for a bit of penis exactly the biological terms Dan with a dick, you know? Well, that's quite enough. Vagina. Now for a bit of penis. Exactly. The biological terms, Dan. Grow up. Cock sorbet. Is it true, Catherine, that now I started spouting

some lesbian knowledge recently on the pod and I don't think I knew what I was on about. That's crazy because you wear the hat so well. Thank you.

I actually identify with the lesbian community if only they'd accept me I see that for you they won't go on no is there a little bit of um snobbery about because I remember when we used to go clubbing we ended up I ended up hanging out with uh on the gay scene in Manchester and I just got a little sort of touristy snippets of the sort of life could get quite bitchy but also I got sort of touristy snippets of the sort of life. Could get quite bitchy. But also I got sort of told about lesbian culture. And these were young gay girls on the gay scene in Manchester.

There was a bit of snobbery about a girl if she'd slept with a guy. Or if they're from a group of gay girls, if one got drunk and fucked a guy, she would like be banished from the lesbian village i do think biphobia exists very much in the queer community as much as it does the heterosexual community a lot of the time the people who have an issue with me being bi are lesbians and that's changing but i think if you if you think about it if you're told like you're not really gay lesbianism isn't really a thing you can't get married like you tend to like i think you become quite defensive of that position so when it feels like somebody's

betraying the cause a bit i don't think it's rational but i understand why people were that way oh so it's a real thing it can be like how dare you you were part of our scene or yeah exactly like and also it's sort of like they feel i think sometimes like it might invalidate us all like now men just think we're all like ultimately like three vodkas away from fucking them and it's like right that's not the case yeah but i thought i met some lesbians when i was hanging out there that were far from three vodkas from they were like on they were frontline yeah yeah there was no amount of alcohol or drug oh they were oh my god as they had me in a headlock I was like this is not more than three vodkas yeah yeah yeah but I do think like I think now people are

less worried about everything fitting in one box like you can be you can call yourself gay and occasionally sleep with men you can be like like I think Fern Brady the other day was talking about maybe she won't want me to say this Well she said it on our podcast So it's probably fine but hey like she thinks of herself As sort of hetero romantic But like fucks women And I'm probably that way A bit more like I'm probably a bit more like romantic

With women and more likely to have A long term relationship with a woman but I've had long term relationships with men but generally It sounds like I'm saying I see them as sex objects to cleanse my palate. That's okay, though. Which I do. Well, I'd like to stop the podcast.

Right? It's outrageous. So there's more tolerance. Dan is the sexist here. Right, yeah, I am too. Yeah. So with lezzers, no, so genuinely there's more tolerance now

within the gay scene because i think things like like queerness as a term instead of like being gay you can be queer i think like in terms of like pansexuality i think people are just a bit more like do whatever you do it's a change it's a movable feast and you should do whatever you feel like that's not to say that i think the new battle that's interesting to me is like there's a lot of transphobia amongst lesbianism so like lesbians so like TERFs often trans exclusionary radical feminists yeah i've been on google amen very good well done are people who often will use lesbians as like protecting lesbians as a justification for being transphobic and i think that's an interesting narrative it's like a new but listen what am i saying i guess i'm saying women hate women women hate women well who's won this debate

no that's a that's a scary like prospect isn't it that when i went i'm talking about clubbing sort of 15 years ago where I was very well made aware they're like oh we do if one of these girls did that then this would happen and maybe that top thing has changed and everyone's moved past that and now all of a sudden there's a new problem and it's transphobia yeah it's a new target I think and also I think um the other thing is that like when straight people are biphobic It's less reasonable to me It's less about a personal cause feeling betrayed It's much more like

She's probably trying to get my boyfriend's attention And it's like your boyfriend's a dog That's not why I'm fucking women I don't care for your boyfriend that much That I would go down on multiple women She's fucking women She wants to shag John She's lived with her ex-girlfriend

for a few years for seven years just to fuck Gareth yeah I do think like it's definitely better that there's a lot less

sort of putting people in boxes and stuff and people can just do whatever they want agree because sometimes I feel like he's about to come out a little bit

you start a podcast get out of that box no but I don't always get salt and pepper chicken from the chinese chippy sometimes i get a beef curry oh my god and sometimes i just tell you thank you for speaking for the gay bi and trans lesbian community with your chicken takeaway analogy no but don't you think that sometimes like so for so for example, you were like, oh, if I were gay, I would want to twink. I feel like women have more permission generally to be like, even if they're straight, to be like, that woman's fucking hot.

If I was gay, I'd fuck that woman. Right. Like women are like, I think generally it's like less of a diminishment of their like womanhood. Whereas if a man's like, yeah, I'm not gay. But like, if I were a Jack jack realish is a piece of me yeah that somehow diminishes their manhood in a way that we can just be like i'm starting to notice handsome men a lot more oh my god i work past a man in the streets and he's attractive i'm like you know what well in me could you see yourself only having beef curry what could you

see yourself only ever having beef curry no no sometimes i'm like you know what i'm not hungry but if i was i'd have some spring rolls right now but i've got no room right are we talking about gay culture do you want lunch are we are we are we still talking about isn't that it's so true though there is more homophobia within hetero men than there is in within hetero women yeah because like it's it's sort of uh a cliche as old as time if two girls are necking each other in a club yeah it's just seen as they're having fun yeah me and carl did that then we'd never hear the end of it from anyone within a three mile radius if i snog freddie quinn on a dance floor i could empty that fucking dance floor i think you've got

more problems there than the homophobia yeah I think you might be risking gum disease never mind social stigma what about gingivitis is homophobia

not as bad as gum disease what is gum disease worse gum disease no it's just the point is just that you could have both in that situation

and that feels worse than one of them I'd rather someone think I'm gay than think I've got gum disease it's not just that you could have both in that situation and that feels worse than one i'd rather someone think i'm gay than think i've got gum disease it's not about that we're just being just being addicted ridiculous question i was just trying to get the levels of what's worse you're right but also because i think with gay male sex We've like decided That that's emasculating Because we also have decided Like somehow

To decide Like to kind of call Bumming only a gay male thing When it's like Straight men have a prostate Yeah But like I think They don't get to necessarily

Enjoy that as much Because we've decided That's emasculating I also don't think It's necessarily emasculating If you're the top I don't think there's anything More masculine

Than bumming another man But I think that's But it's necessarily emasculating if you're the top. I don't think there's anything more masculine than bumming another man. But I think that's... Okay, but hang on. First of all, all right, random. A big, hard, muscly man. More masculine. Nothing more masculine. No.

I will die on this hill. Killing a bear with an axe. What about... But I think it's just as masculine to receive. If the dude at the top has a big dick and it's in your ass, it's pretty nasty to take it. Yeah, and you're not allowed to even flinch. You've got to take it like a man like,

yeah, this is what we play for. I did a stand-up routine for a bit about this because I got asked by someone from my past if she could peg me. Yeah. And I said no. Yeah. And I said no. Yeah. And I admitted in the routine

that it is absolutely some deep-seated homophobia that I cannot get rid of. That's all that the no comes from. Yeah. And I wish it wasn't there, but it is. Yeah.

I imagine there is an argument that it is more masculine to be able to go... You know when you say someone from your past? Yeah. It's too vague. It sounds like it was like your year four.

She asked. She asked. It was definitely a her, she asked. It sounds like your year four primary school teacher or something. You mean an ex. It was a woman. Okay. And she doesn't go to school.

And I was a man. Definitely. Yeah. She was a woman and i was a man definitely yeah she was a woman and i was a man and what were the chinese food analogies you could have used she asked me did i want didn't you don't need to i just had time i don't like fish sauce i don't know if it works so many straight men are missing out on pad time. Really? Apparently it feels really good when you get pad tied. Yeah.

Because that's like women being like no clit stuff. No, but that's not totally the same, is it? You can't say pad tie and clit. There's got to be two analogies. Sorry, like no prawn crackers. Prawn crackers. What is this my only thing with it is it's the bum bum in it and the bum bum it can it's you know

can be a bit you know pooey oh yeah sure but like douche what the i don't think i don't think you can douche while being masculine god what does that say about straight men? I'm masculine, that's why I'm foolish. I mean, she's right. You listen to this podcast, you've got a fucking sense of it. I have douched before. Nice.

Well, at least I'm not on my own on shaved egg shaved leg island i talk us through adam when did you douche douching is good a good thing why are we saying like it's a brilliant thing let's hear the story where were you year four the chinese takeaway so you hadn't decided on the pegging so you were just Weighing up your options You were in the bathroom No So it was When I lived with me dad Fucking hell Adam

I'll help you out With a few things But I'm not fucking Doing this lad Is that Beryl Please tell me It was a bonding experience Please

No I This has been Such a stupid one I no i uh this has been a such a stupid one i uh no do it anyway a girl asked me could she peg me and i said no but we can test the waters with a little pokey bum blow job nice and she went okay here's this thing

clean your booty oh well she just get that from under the counter you don't mean bum blow job though you mean fingering pokey bum monk she was my penis was in her mouth oh and her finger was up my ass okay yeah yeah i got you now she had full control yeah and yeah where did you do it i've done it in the bath maybe your dad would in. Fucking hell, lad. Hey. You fucking... Maybe your dad would have been like, about time. No, he wouldn't.

I thought he'd never do anything. Because he's a scouse working class dad. Scouse working class dads, as much as you want them to be, don't walk in on their sons douching themselves. I'd be like, fucking hell, thank God for that. It's 2018. Fuckin' hell, thank God for that. It's 2018.

Oh, I've always wanted to see this. Things Scouse dads want to see from their son. Fucking scoring a hat trick with me there watching. Getting a university degree and cleaning out your arsehole in the family bathroom. a university degree and cleaning out your arsehole in the family bathroom I think it should be

on more cards that would be I think you know it should be a goal of more fathers that's I'd love that for you Adam

yeah I still couldn't relax when it was happening even though I knew I'd cleaned I know this is disgusting but I was just constantly thinking do not shit on this girl's hand yeah yeah yeah that's fair no that's so that's my

i'm sure there's loads you know there's a magic button in there yeah it's just not an easy journey to get there well i guess all great things take work i really feel like we need an advert there all great things need work and you can work on your pubic region with Manscaped. Oh, what? Not followed by a butt plug ad? We're not sponsored by a butt plug. Well, now you could be. Adam's douche.

If you own a butt plug company, get in touch. There's loads of them. They don't do any other sex stories It's just butt plugs They're like the five guys of butt plugs John's butt plugs John Favella's butt plugs John's butt plugs

John Favaro's butt plugs Oh god It's also like Here's a question Keep going I actually tried to press the button Oh, God. It's also like, okay, here's a question. Oh, keep going, keep going. He finished the section. I actually tried to press the button and failed, so it's meant to be. Only because, I've been thinking a lot about sex toys lately,

in part because I do material about it, but in part because post, you know when you have a breakup, if you're a straight person, you have to decide who gets the TV, who gets the sofa. I've been trying to write material about how if you're a lesbian, you also have to decide who gets the TV, who gets the sofa. I've been trying to write material about how if you're a lesbian, you also have to decide who gets the dildo, which I think, frankly, is a big discussion. Oh, is there a communal dildo? Communal?

Yeah. I mean, if you buy it as a pair, it's a bit like if you buy a microwave. You're not going to have two microwaves. Surely it's whoever's card was used to buy it. Well, sometimes you have a joint account. Yeah. And I do think you should get credit for being the one to go in and ask for it.

Even if you didn't pay for it. There's a lot to be said for the person who goes in and says, do you have this in black? Do either of you want it? Isn't that just going to remind you? So here's the thing. I was talking about it on stage

and one guy was like, do lesbians not have loads of dildos? Like that somehow solves the problem. Like you could sit them all down in the South and be like, which mummy do you want to go with? I thinkildos like that somehow solves the problem like you could sit them all down in the sofa and be like which mummy do you want to go with but

I think a lot of straight men think it's like like you're picking captains of five or so yeah I want Kev exactly no I think it's like

you know in Men in Black when they open up the cupboard and there's a fucking load of dildos yes exactly I think pick the black one but the weird thing is like people just look at you in judgement

like it's crazy to think that you'd reuse it with a different person it is crazy yeah it is why you in judgment like it's crazy to think that you'd reuse it with a different person it is crazy yeah it is why you don't like did you do you get a new dick every time you get no katherine i'm sorry it's it no it's not i can boil wash my dick can you boil wash yours no then i don't think it seems any different he doesn't have the choice to boil wash his dick yeah i think you knew that he couldn't boil wash his dick. I think... Hang on.

You knew he couldn't get a new dick. She said that to be funny and prove a point. No, I'm saying this right now. If it was possible, if it was physically possible... No, but Adam, I'm not talking about like, you'd rather get a bigger, better dick. No. I'm talking about like, just like straight up a new dick.

It's already been reduced when I was nine. We're not going to into that okay it hasn't he's lying carry on they don't believe me i've got the scar i'll show you all if you want to see it he's like dick harry potter go on i'm sorry you've got it i'm a you got a penis reduction no he didn't don't bite okay okay sorry a good rule for all dicks You can't be like Oh we're moving in together And you bring your dildo I'll bring mine Maybe they'll get on in the draw You can

Where have you been? You know when you've both got like a dog The same place Yeah they just walk down the stairs If it was possible Like step sing blings If it was possible for men To get a new dick

I said it wrong Catherine's meant for this podcast She was step sing blings if it was possible for men to get a new dick i said it wrong katherine's meant for this podcast if it was possible for men to get a new dick after an old relationship a lot of new girls would be like you better get a fucking new dick mate because i'm not going near the dick that she touched okay but now imagine each dick it costs like £145. That's cheap for a dick. Is that how much they are? Yeah, unless you want like a Windows XP dick. What does that do though?

Well, it depends on what you... So dildos do loads of shit now. What does a £145 dildo do? Do they sub clips? Do they sub clips? Do they subtitle clips? He wants to hire a dildo as a member of staff. I thought you said sub clips. Because Steve's going to have to start doing some more work clip he wants to hire because steve's gonna have to start doing some more work if he wants to justify his hours i genuinely thought you miss said suck clips

and some of them do do that they do yeah you can get those too like a frightening worm you can buy like ones that you can control with your phone yes you can or your partner can yeah with their phone yeah yeah i've got one of them well that's awful it's very exciting well what if they're on the like you know the two o'clock train to london and think fuck it we're passing crew i'll mess with literally what you do that's why she would have put it in her underwear so that yeah you can so you put it you put it in oh no sorry i thought the dildo was still at home with you and then she's like fucking she better not be wanking. Up to 10. And then all of a sudden you're like, whoa.

No, it's like, it's meant for this. So like, I've got the app on my phone. You put it in your whatever. Not me. I think it's someone else. It's not happening. Okay, a lady that I'm dating puts it in a, woo!

And a... Vagina. Or cunt. Or cooch. Pussy. Fanny, pussy. Pussy's the best one. So I take a pussy and I go,

and you can literally set it to a song. I'm not even messing. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. You can. You can choose a song. You can just go wild on the rhythm of it. Your own rhythm. You can set it on loop.

Yeah. If it works that fucking fast I want one Where do I find it The best one is Eminem's Rap God Rap God Yeah yeah yeah

You want to build up to it With that Yeah So is this what the 145 palm ones do No because you're not Talking about dildos anymore You're talking about

Clit stimulators right Or like Or vibrators Yeah yeah What does a dildo do Dildos Can vibrate But they don't necessarily Too many D's in that one I Yeah yeah What does a dildo do Dildos Can vibrate But they don't necessarily

I think you know What a dildo does A hundred and forty Five pound one adult They're seven quid In the bargain bin At Wilco's Not a hundred and forty

Five quid Shipped in from Taiwan Are you thinking of Lou brushes Because that's what those are I'd want to do a lot For that much money Wilco's

Here's the cleaning section And there's the sex toys I can do most of the things A dick can do Most Oh yeah of course Without the mess Unless you want the mess

You can order ones with the mess That's so strange Why are they so expensive? Well I think it depends On what they're made from Right And also

Some of them are designed For different things Movement or not Some of them are designed for different things Movement or not Some of them are glass Which feels like a bit too much jeopardy for me But yeah Glastic There was like a story in Barcelona

Before COVID Of a jewellery store being robbed And I think all they took was a crystal dildo Which I was like yes get it lesbian they took was a crystal dildo, which I was like, yes, get it, lesbian bandit, get it. A crystal dildo? Wow. Who's that for? Spanish nannies? A crystal dildo?

Who doesn't want a crystal dildo? It sounds like the name of a woman on my page. I want it. I'm crystal dildo. So that crystal dildo had pearls on it. Put crystal dildo it was a pearls on it put the tally on so we can see okay have you found it already google it's the world's most expensive sex toy how much is it uh 1.3 million dollars whoa would you have that i don't think my cunt's worth 1.3 million dollars no see that'd be something you argue with when you break off

that one oh yeah that one yeah come on you're when you break off. Oh, yeah, that one. Yeah, come on. You're taking that dildo to court. Yeah. Let's break that. It was 145 quid. I think you're just going to have to pick up a double on Saturday and buy yourself a new one. Fine.

Yeah, you don't want your pension in a dildo, do you? That's mad, that. Oh, wow, that's stunning. And you don't want your dildo in a pensioner either. That also looks a bit like something that they hide a secret in in the Addams Family or something, where you get your fingers locked in. Oh my God, that's so true.

It looks like a nuclear weapon is what it looks like. Would you have it on show as well? If a nuclear weapon was basically produced in the Spanish Inquisition era. If only they put the same level of effort into female orgasm as they did nuclear deterrence. All right. All right, love.

All right. Fucking hell. All right. All right, love. All right. Fucking hell. Jesus Christ. All right, let's have an advert for nuclear disarmament. Wag wag lids. It's Dan. Hope you're enjoying today's episode.

Do us a favor. If you're watching on YouTube, like the video, subscribe. If you're listening, follow us on all socials, at Have A Word Pod tell a friend, do something help spread the word, also

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We have started doing, so we basically got talking about Adam's Catholic upbringing. I was raised Muslim, so I don't know the ins and outs, mashaAllah. I don't know the ins and outs of Catholic guilt and what not I'm obsessed with these confessionals

which he hasn't really done anyway long story short I was entrapped into confession as a child I threw my mate's

jumper over the fence and they took me to the church to the confession box just put a teacher on the other side and made me confess and Jesus gave him

detention that's not official exactly all they wanted to know is did i throw the jumper over the fence and they found out oh what you're saying is i wasn't prosecuted yeah i was five yeah any irish kid would know the difference between a priest and a teacher though uh uh okay um i'm not rising to Leave it So we've started the confessional We've started confessions And we're doing

Just doing them on Patreon But you are the daughter of a deacon I am that Are you religious yourself? No No Nope Wow

Nope My dad is a deacon Which is like If you don't know what that is It's like a part time priest Because in Ireland They were running out of young men who wanted to give up sex and money.

And I guess they could have let women do it, but they were like... And they didn't. And so married men can now be like part-time priests. But they can't be priests. They've got to be deacons. Yeah, there's a special stuff only the priests can do. And they can't do that.

One of which is confession, in fact. Oh, so a deacon can't do confession? No, because they have wives. Women are fucking gossips. There's no way they're letting them have the There's no way they're letting them have the confessions. Can you imagine? My dad doesn't want them either. He's like, I don't need to know who's done what. Thank you

very much. It's bad enough that he knows anytime someone's born or died. He doesn't need to know. Did you do confessions as a kid? You have to be confirmed, don't you, before you can do a confession? No, you have to have your first confession as part of the process to your Holy Communion.

How old were you at Holy Communion? Eight. Seems legit. You need to really get... Oh, we did it differently, yeah? No, we didn't. Communion and confession

were totally separate? Yeah, they are. Oh, that's for me. No, so confession comes before your communion. So you make your Holy Communion after a process of preparation and one of those processes

is first confession. Just one more side note, and we don't really have to go into this. It's just I'm interested. Is your dad religious? Like properly religious? Yeah. He's a deacon. Are you all right?

What? But I know a priest in Liverpool who's not really asked. Father O'Leary. Father O'Leary. All right, lads. Hey, welcome to the confessional. Fucking I'll shot someone. Nightmare. Think about itLeary. Hi there, lads. Hey, welcome to the confessional. Fucking, I'll shot someone. Nightmare.

Think about it, right? Think about it this way. Because priests, right? Priests start out presumably very interested. Then they get jaded by a lack of sex and presumably their terrible PR. And then eventually they're presumably less bothered. Also, that's why you get like

the ideal priest who does a mass in 25 minutes. You're like, yes, this man's over it and I'm here for it. Whereas... Fast mass. Indeed. at like the ideal priest who does a mass in 25 minutes you're like yes this man's over it and i'm here for it whereas fast mass indeed deacons have actively opted in despite a lack of a need for them to do so so my dad was actually training to be a priest when he met my mother left the priesthood for her um she got written out of a will and referred to as the devil woman which i think is one of the coolest stories i've ever heard she kept the letter what about us and um but they've chosen so he already has a job a badass. And, but they've chosen. So he already has a job, a wife and three kids,

but he's chosen to opt into the church on top of it. So the man's religious, yeah. Yeah, he's into it. He's a big fan. Who was the letter from? The church? Oh no, the written out of the will one? Yeah.

That was a great aunt. Great aunt. Because she... Well, she was like, obviously not a great aunt. Because she's basically tempted a man from the priesthood. Yeah. Which, because when my dad was trained to be a priest originally, that was like becoming,

that made you sort of a celeb in a small Irish tent. Even the fact that you were going to be related to somebody who was going to be a priest. Oh, yeah. Like, it was a big fucking deal. Really? Oh, yeah. Like an under 21 cap.

Oh, exactly that. Do they have posters of the priests in that on bedroom walls? Yeah, yeah. Well. Yeah, they do. Ensign. I want. Exactly that Do they have posters Of like the priests In their own bedroom Yeah Well Yeah they do I want to say no But all The worst part is

I want to say no But all of my like Elderly relatives Have at least a cross In their bedroom Which I just think Is like Yeah

It's the weird In Ireland They do a panini Sticker collection Oh my god I've just filled County Mayo. Yes. Are you joking?

Who's your shiny? But when John Paul II came to Ireland, it was like bigger than any rock concert has ever been. Like over a million people went to see him in the party. I love his aftershaves. Yeah. It is great, isn't it? Sorry.

I'm sorry. I love his aftershaves. Yeah. It is great, isn't it? Sorry. I'm sorry. I love his aftershaves. Nice. Jean-Paul Gaultier has aftershaves and perfumes. Yeah. But there was a Pope called Jean-Paul. So that's the joke. There's two, actually.

For fuck's sake. Was he in the Popemobile? He wasn't. No, that's for the Vatican. What kind of he in the Popemobile? He wasn't. No, that's for the Vatican. Do you think, what kind of heathens are you? These are terrible questions. I don't know what the Pope drives.

Well, I'm a Muslim, so there's a start. Can the Pope drive a car? It sounds like a joke. Can the Pope drive a car? The best shit in the world. So, when the Pope Come to Ireland Yeah

Did he have like security With him like He had the vast He was just on his own Yeah he just came over On a Ryanair flight Came over on his own Jesus Christ

No one's with the Pope Of course Whoa blasphemy Yeah of course Yes I'm the daughter Of a deacon And you're going to do Are you doing confessions

Do people write in their confessions People have been writing In their confessions So we Came up with this a couple of weeks ago and Wednesday's episode was one of my favourite for ages for a load of reasons.

His wank fantasy was up there. What's your wank fantasy? I kill my girlfriend off and then Lucy pin the knocks on the door. I need you to say that at a slower pace because I don't.

What was that? For me to have like an imagination thing. Can you tell how she dies, please? You kill your girlfriend. Because I'm not going to cheat on her.

So she falls off the balcony? She has an accident where she falls off the stairs. Wait, did you kill her or did she have an accident? She has an accident. By the way, by the way,

he fast forwards through this bit. He doesn't like actively think about it while masturbating. He's just like, oh yeah, she's dead. He's at home. The wank fantasy starts with him at home sad ding dong former page three model has come to suck him off for no reason wow she wasn't there for that she was there for jen she was there

for jen who's not in i'm so sorry she come to visit a friend called jenny who was at work so this very attractive former page three model rang on a random door for shelter from the rain and then sucked you off. Because she's attracted to sadness in men. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Feel safe? Wow.

So we have we have had we've had a jingle made. Ooh, I got something to tell you but I'm a different part. These are the confessions. we've had we've had a jingle made these are the confessions you can't hear it because you chose

to not have cancer oh I bet it's a banger it is it's a banger I'm not going to get too into that something like that 12 patron sign ups just for listening to this it's a banger. It is. It's a banger. I'm not going to get too into the episode. Something like that. 12 patron sign-ups just for listening to this.

It's just me going... Wag wag lids, please keep this anonymous. Back in my heyday, I had a girl called upon. I called upon a girl in the early hours in the morning randomly. This went on... Sorry. Back in my heyday, I had a girl I called upon early hours in the early hours in the morning randomly this went on sorry back in my heyday i had a girl i called upon early hours in the morning uh right regularly this went on for a few months one random so he's obviously got a bit of a is they're just shagging yeah they're shagging

yeah you got that i got it right cool one random i've been a booty call for someone before unlucky what was his name from Kate Jo. From before. What random- There was a woman who used to text me every now and then when she was out. And she'd just be like, I'm out and I want to fuck someone. Can it just be you again? You mean out drinking rather than like out, I've just been on bargains. I've just got some debts on and I fancy something. No, she had to be drunk to text him.

Let's be very clear. Right, right, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. She didn't do like the school run in the morning and be like, fuck, it's quarter past nine and mama like that? Mama like that. No, she would just text me and be like,

I'm ready to fuck something and I'd rather it be you because I know it's passable. She was a romantic. Yeah, that's beautiful. And your sort of esteem was in the bin so much that you were like, get it on me. Who was she?

Somebody say possible? It was Lucy Pinder. Your year four primary school teacher anyway. It was Lucy Pinder. Can we just, this is a serious email. One random drunken night, I knocked on and she wasn't in. Her mum answered. Is this before mobile phones?

What? Was his heyday before mobile phones? Let's assume so. Okay. The mother answered, I go in, one thing leads to another, and he's put in brackets, bang, bang. He killed the mum.

He killed the mum. Two punches. This email is from Anthony Joshua. Two punches. Bang, bang. Bink, bink. SS. Bink, bink.

Fast forward. I'm sorry, you're getting bored. Fast forward a few weeks later, I'm back there with the daughter. No, you don't get to go back. And while things were happening, the mum was knocking on the door, asking if I wanted a cup of tea. More like a cup of... i cut all ties after that and the girl was kicking off because i never went back with an explanation should i feel guilty am i absolved that's from a dirty monkey

he doesn't call himself a dirty monkey i'm calling him that so So he was, he had a regular lady who he was having casual sex with. Had a side piece. Not a side piece, a piece. He went there one night, and he was her piece as well, and they were all very happy. Oh, communal piece.

And he went there, and they had a communal thing, him and the mother, and then he went back one more time, like the mayor of the river turning to the scene of a crime more bangy bang with the

the regular girl got freaked out by the mum knocking on and then thought no do you know what never again should he feel guilty

are we absolving him of guilt has he got to pay germane penance remember how earlier I was like sometimes when I

when I'm attracted to men, I feel worse about myself. This is why. I thought you were going to say you were attracted to him then. Absolutely not. Who is not only like has the goal to fuck her mom, but also to go back and check if it's chill? We'll just check if it's chill.

Like best case scenario, he fucked her mom. Worst case scenario, he killed her mom. Every scenario, he went back there. The mom sounds like a fucking delight, though, doesn't she? How do we know that she knows that they were fucking? Why would they have knocked on the door? It is weirder if she just let him in as a random lad. Yeah, she knew who this guy was.

Either way, she's a freak as well. Yeah. Oh, no, the girl who's the... The original young lady who he's been bonking randomly, she seems like a normal, young... Mum's an animal, he's a dirtbag. Although, if the mum was interested, maybe he came highly recommended,

so maybe she's the kind of person who talks a lot about her sex life to her mum. Possibly. Thought that he became a reasonable option. So you think what's happened is she has gone, Mom, listen, I've been shagging this lad and he's fucking great. His dick's massive and he always makes sure I finish. And she's gone, fucking hell, next time you're out,

Mama want a piece of that. That's what you think happened. I'm not victim blaming. I'm just saying there's a reason this, unless he's look this man is not absolved you're not absolving no fucking way i also i know she's not emailing in but on the mum come on man what are you doing yeah she did oh my god we're like sisters we share everything put your thong away Doreen oh my god so the idea

Catherine I'm so sorry can I just clarify what was that sound in your mind as you were doing that was me going no I'm not into it

and being sick being sick well you worried he was choking on a dick yeah I wasn't sure which one it was what Doreen's dick no

more transphobia is he gonna pay jermaine penance here's the thing so the the rules we've set up with these confessions okay which is going to be a patron exclusive feature from now on is uh we if we don't absolve them yeah we've got to give them some penance right so what we gave the last guy was he had to for a full month every week, offer to clean the windows of his entire street. Oh, you didn't say offer. You just said clean.

Just turn up his fucking window lean. Don't even ask, lad. You were like, be a peeping Tom because you were already a fucking weirdo. Yeah, I meant he had to ask. So he had to say to him, do you want your windows doing? Somewhere that man is hearing this back going

For fuck's sake So we're going to let you, if you're okay with that He's guilty Guilty What's his germane penance? Okay, well who's he actually hurt? Daughters Of frankly

Poor mothers I mean she's oblivious the daughter is she? is she? I don't know she seems it who's oblivious the daughter?

yeah she doesn't know anything about it I imagine if the mother is the character we've portrayed her as then as soon as he's fucked off and not commenced

she's like mum you know that guy I told you about who had the big dick and was always great he's fucked off she's like oh it might be me that guy I told you about who had the big dick and was always great? I fucked off. She's like, oh, it might be me, that. I jumped him, didn't I? I agree.

I agree. Let's watch Curry. I think what he's ultimately done is gotten between mother and daughter so his penance should heal like relationships between mothers and daughters

in some way, I think, or at least pay it forward. So he should become a family counsellor. No. That is not what I'm saying. What do you want? Buy him both tickets to Mamma Mia and take him to the West End?

I'll wait in the car. I've got you and your ma a spa day. Here you go. I do feel like he should go to the local manicurist and just pay for any mums and daughters in there. Do you think that's going to be a welcome thing? At any of you's related? Can I buy yous a voucher?

You had people climbing up the windows of their neighbors. I was asking. I've got a new mother. You think it has to be more punitive, so it has to be something that he'll hate to do. Yeah. It's going to be something that he won't enjoy doing that benefits other people, like when they're cleaning.

Okay. Lawn mowing? Yeah. Looks like it speaks to the crime. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's lawn? Let's hope he doesn't listen to this in February. He's mowed too much lawn.

So now he's got to mow some lawns. Although it is the winter, that grass will be wet. Carpet cleaning? Yeah. Also speaks to the crime. Yes, good. Nice. Oven cleaning. No. Yes. carpet cleaning yeah also speaks to the crime yes good nice oven cleaning

no yes everyone wants a clean oven and they're fucking hard to clean who's he they can't go back and clean their oven he'll get

he's gonna get fucked by what right listen I'm not shagging you or your mum but I'm here to clean your oven it's not a euphemism put your knickers on Doreen

here's a crazy shout, and this is, you don't have to go with this. What if his penance was that he had to get in touch with a girl and apologise? It's not funny. Okay.

It's too serious. Thank you. Get your lawnmower out. Yeah, you've got to mow. Ooh, that's it. You've gotta Go To the Yorkshire moors

And cut all the grass I live in a Yorkshire Moors Yeah Where the bodies Are buried Oh god

Whose bodies The kids I know What Anyway so you should say Sorry to the girl I think you should just say Sorry

Yeah I think we should I think just say I think Catherine had it to the girl. I think you should just say sorry. Yeah, I think we should. I think Catherine had it. No. But in it... I think Catherine had a pretty good sense of it. But in it, he has to admit what he did in case she doesn't know. He has to say it. But wouldn't that ruin a relationship with her mum?

Yeah, that might make things worse. If that relationship's already ruined, she just doesn't know it yet. Is Negan in his place, though, when it comes to that? Oh, God, Catherine. No, I want full information. And can it be about the Moors murders in any way? No? Okay.

Because a lot of people died and it was awful. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He just mentioned mowing the lawn. You mentioned the bodies. Yeah, you can't blame me. He said, go up to the Yorkshire Moors and start mowing. Where the fuck did that come from? I wanted a large patch of grass,

and it's the first thing I thought of. Right, yeah. You picked a football pitch? No, it's not big enough. Yorkshire Moors is bigger than any football pitch. Fair enough. Fact. It did feel like, I'm going to let it slide,

but that felt like, no, Catherine, when men play football. Check the FA website. That's legit. We don't do mistruths here let's do some have a words

so we're going to try and solve some problems for people I mean that guy's going to hell with his dirty dick mowing lawns more murderers

a lot alright can I tell you one thing I fear that I would have also maybe if the mum was hot,

I feared that I could see how it happened. Oh, God, yeah. Why not? Okay, great. Sexy as fuck. So then, hang on. Because I sort of, if you're both admitting that,

then I'll admit it out loud as well. If I was not in a serious relationship with a girl and we'd been having casual things and it was just, you know, we're playing tennis back and forth. I'll fuck you. You fuck me. Let's all be happy.

If I turned up and her mom was like i've heard your greatest and her mom was fit yeah that's important and she wasn't there so what's going on is he not if she absorbed then you've got to absorb but we haven't done it no but that's only through a lack of opportunity what's the point in confessionals if it's not to just judge strangers for behaviors you haven't had the opportunity to engage in it. She knows the industry. She's not. I wouldn't do it.

I would. Bullshit. No. All women are horrible. I'm joking. It's time for Have a Word. Once I've done the jingle. Right,

so we've got one from a lady. Says, wag wag legs, please keep me anonymous but I'm a 26 year old female actually in a right pickle here i'm proper in love with my boyfriend 26 year old male got the house got the dog together everything's good except he has literally no sex drive i was a bit of a shagger in my time and i keep trying it on with him but he's having none of it doesn't like hand jobs blow jobs and when we do have sex, he can't come. I've tried dressing up. She's a lady. Love it. I've tried dressing up for

him, lap dances, strip teas, sexy texts. And I just feel like he doesn't want me at all. However, my ex has said he's still down to fuck. Loved banging me, loved head and was into all the dirty kinky shit that really I like. The more I think about him, my ex, the more worked up I get. He's also got a girlfriend and I know I shouldn't talk to him because it's dangerous and borderline cheating. It's cheating. But my ex just knows how to wind me up, press my buttons and make me feel sexy and wanted. What the fuck am I doing, lids? I want to stay in my relationship because I really do love my boyfriend but i really don't know if i can go the rest of my life having missionary sex tried to talk to my partner about it and all he kind of just um all this and he kind of just isn't bothered about sex what am

i doing let's go on have a word with me can i just say um i read this to laura this morning because it came through this morning it was i felt like it was juicy and my wife was sat there and i was reading it out she was like oh because laura loves a bit of the goss she's like oh oh and then when she said i can't go through the rest of my life just having missionary sex we both looked at each other like we do two positions no that's different because you go on top sometimes so that's so if you're both vanilla it's fine this girl doesn't sound oh no we have two but me and my wife have two pretty much two positions which is me trying and then getting the job done oh that's enough she taps me out i'll do yeah that'll do one of your positions is you trying that's so sad it's just me trying to be funny i love it i know but it felt true um really yeah honestly yeah yeah

um he's apologizing a position no go i i uh i 26 yeah i think there's a reason here what i think they are reason here wow you're getting that sex somewhere else oh i think he's getting that sex somewhere else. Oh. I think he's either getting sex somewhere else or he might be dealing with some sexuality issues. Yes. But I sort of can't really get my head around a 26-year-old lad having Kinky McKinks offering everything and him being like, do you know what? No, I'm going to have some more shreddies.

I don't think it has to be that he's getting it outside of the relationship and I don't think it has to be that he has a sexuality Outside of the relationship And I don't think it has to be That he has a sexuality issue I think If he isn't sexually confident And she is Men can find that emasculating To the point that It inhibits their confidence

In bed And makes them not Want to do it at all I also think There's a considerable chance He just has a very low sex drive And she doesn't Or he's not happy

At the moment Like depression massively Inhibits serious sex drive So I have First of all I don't think she should Try to solve the problem Outside of the relationship So don't think she should try to solve the problem outside of the relationship.

So I definitely think she should talk to him. But if he's unwilling to talk to you about it, then you shouldn't be with him. There's an option where you leave. There's also an option where you just ask him, can you have an open relationship and just fuck outside the relationship if he doesn't want to have it

and you're happy. Well, that was all the options very quickly, wasn't it? Next question. Hang on, hang on. Let's unpack it then don't fuck your ex-boyfriend if he has a girlfriend because that's not fair to her but if she's happy with an open relationship and your partner's happy with an open relationship then go to town and each other could you do that could you do that just out of interest it's something we've

talked about a little bit i've had a non-monogamous relationship yeah right i just can't you know love if you you know love someone if you love someone set them free Adam just clings on

for dear life and just wrings its neck until it's unconscious that's like that's his style of love have you ever seen MMA

when they don't when they tap in and they keep going that's how Adam loves like clenched his teeth like Lenny with the rabbits yeah yeah but I don't what a beautiful when they tap in and they keep going, that's how Adam loves, like, like Lenny with the rabbits. Yeah. Yeah.

But I don't... What a beautiful of mice and men reference that was. George! Sad about this. Sorry, Catherine. No, I'm just like, I think it's just... If anything in my relationship, I'm the rabbits. She cling just like I think it's just If anything in my relationship

I'm the rabbits She clingy I like it I just think it's really easy To think that sex is something You don't You shouldn't have to Prioritise or that you should

Be able to go without I've definitely done this In relationships Like the mental Gymnastics I've done In a long term relationship To be like Oh it's fine that we're

Not having sex Is Insane Like I've been like Maybe I guess our love is just too pure for sex fuck off no but i definitely have done that and i think it really gets you down like massively if you are trying it on with your partner and it's constant rejection and it's one thing if they're willing to talk about it and they're willing to try but if they're not no that's like not that's

not okay my sister and i have talked about life and love and relationships over the years. But she still won't fuck you. She will not. I'm so sorry. She's just against it. Yeah, same old. Weirdo. But she genuinely, she sums it up with all couples. You've got to want to bonk. Yeah.

If you don't want to bonk, you're not a couple. Yeah. You are friends, like, gallivanting around like you're a couple, pretending to be a couple. Unless you are both stated asexuals, that true yeah yeah like unless you like that's fine literally every time someone says asexual gary delaney's joke just pops in my head a lot of people say cliff richard is asexual but i'd be gay um she's one of the best jokes ever and i I hope Gary doesn't mind me doing it on the pod. Oh, God.

That's great. Yeah, if you both... There's a thing with couples. If there's too much of a disparity on major things, like intelligence, attractiveness, sex drive, that disparity can cause issues, can't it? And the saddest part, I think, is how much she keeps saying she loves him because that can be true.

Like, you can absolutely love somebody who isn't your person. Like, it doesn't mean... And nobody would think you saying that we're not having enough sex so I'm so unhappy that I have to leave means that you don't love him. But also, does he know that those are the stakes? Maybe he should be like, dude so I'm so unhappy that I have to leave means that you don't love him. But also,

does he know that those are the stakes? Maybe he should be like, dude, I'm going to leave. No, I was just being silly. I thought you were genuinely getting a bit emotional there. No.

I think she sounds like a really genuine person. Yeah. But if at 26 you bottle this up. Or 56. No, but I mean, she's 26 now

and she's articulating this to the point where she's emailing us balance she must and to say you're into the kinky stuff and i've been like in my life i've prioritized the some of that stuff i'm sorry do you think that dressing up as kink no i mean just all of the like the dirty and sexual but if you if you prioritize that grow up carl oh my god your costume's not a kink come on is it a pokemon then what if you dress up as a pokemon well if you're a furry that's a kink is that what you're saying no but i mean if but if that's the most important thing we're not here to king shame her sorry go on is she dressing up yeah but she's obviously very into sex yeah yeah

and she wants you prioritize that over all the other things that make a relationship you are going to end up in a very sexually driven relationship with someone that you don't necessarily want to be with but then there's the flip side of it which is he's so nice but it's just like having a flatmate i always say life is about balance you honestly you always say that you always say that and you also say you used to be a wasp in a previous life. So a lot of people discount what you say. You fucking nutter. What, is there a balance?

Like, you've got to have the sexy stuff and the other stuff, and you have too much sex and a lot of that, and you tip that way. And if you have too much of that and a lot of that, you tip that way. And you don't want to be tipping over. Do you know what? I genuinely think, although the ex thing,

to stay in a relationship and do the ex thing is wrong, this is fucked this relationship in it yeah this sounds but it's so let him go let him go but if you told me oh i think if i'd heard this like two years ago i'd actually felt sick listening to it because i'd have been like no so many things are other things are important it can be saved it can be fixed but but only if you're both trying. And it doesn't sound like he's trying. And it's so, also, like, it's so fine to want to fuck. Especially if you want to commit to someone for a long time. You want to feel sexy. You want to feel noticed.

You want to feel like someone's paying attention to you. Yeah, Adam. Honestly, Adam. Dress up for them. Yeah. This is why we're not a couple. You never want me. You'd make such a good Pikachu.

Since I've had a baby, you've not even looked at me like that. Because you remind me of a Diglett. What? She sounds fun. And I wish I'd met her when I was 26 but she I don't think

this is going to last is it and he's not going to go for an open relationship is he going to just over the bowl the shredder why not enjoy the dick

no I don't know you know what if you said to your partner you'd be surprised how many partners would be relieved to hear you say

look I need to have sex you obviously don't want to have it with me if you've tried everything else what if we have a non-monogamous relationship not where I see people repeatedly, not necessarily where I date other people,

but where I can have sex out of the relationship so it takes the pressure off us. Some people would welcome that. I got offered that recently by a listener. By your wife? No, a girl who was like, we've got a list of people that we can sleep with and you're one of mine.

She emailed at 11am on a Monday morning. Good for her so you you were like right after book the dentist and get the kids 100% what i said little she seems very organized i've got that parking ticket to pay council tax for this month uh try and fuck down nightingale and within the email she was like lunch she was obviously dan's married, so if Laura wants to join in, in for a penny, in for a pound. And I, yeah. Did you shout out to Laura? I did. That night, I think it got like Laura competitively frisky.

It was good. Do you want me to start sending you emails like that every weekend? Oh, yeah. But next time, if it could be a more believable hour, that'd be great, Adam. Leave it till 6pm, you weirdo. I've had one glass of wine get your dick out

now Jan you knob ass I like to think she sent like a round robin like she sent that to you to like George Clooney

to whoever her other people on her list are do you think do you think that's the no she doesn't sound like she has huge esteem but like let's

like other people oh oh order order first of all First of all, first of all, how would she have George Clooney's email?

Second of all, she didn't CC in anyone else. It's probably just george.clooney at icloud.com. Should we give it a try? Yes. But yeah, it's not, it's a, there's not many relationships

where like, do you know what? Where you're the special. I'm knackered on a Tuesday night. Why don't you go and get some Tuesday dick? You know? Go and have a Domino's with someone. I think lots of people's relationships look different.

I don't think anybody who does that often can say. Do you think as you get older, you get a bit more liberal with this sort of stuff? Oh my God, that question felt like, Catherine, you're a hundred years old you've done drugs in your 30s old lady because I think I think I'm a bit more like I'm a bit like that I think people do understand that like you can't be all things to everyone and that includes your partner and that that doesn't mean like you necessarily have to have other like sexual

partners or but like I don't need to do everything with my partner. That's what I have friends for as well. Like you have, you get different things from different people. Yeah, but sexually. Yeah, I don't want Sam to play five a side, but me. That's all I got him for. Yeah, exactly. And I'm not shagging you.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's a weird point, isn't it? Because we are talking about the sexual stuff. Like no one's saying like your girlfriend should do your accounting. No, no, no, for sure. But I guess my point is like some people, you can start to see it in that way in terms of like, that it doesn't mean that they're less.

I have an accountant and I like all gags with that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he does my tax return. He spanks me. Yeah, yeah. I am fascinated. What if Laura had said, I've never had sex with a woman,

I would actually like to try that. I would have considered it I would have been on booking.com pretty fucking quick when you're not around around your house what with the kids

this is mummy and daddy's friend everybody put in their ear books what if it was a man and a woman literally on this episode Lauraura was like stop

talking about our sex life there's people from school from my daughter's school uh no i don't no it's not it's not how our relationship goes okay uh and and we could pontificate but laura's that's not our game yeah that's totally fine but i i genuinely think the couples who are more into it usually older couples who start going oh it's just a bit of sex yeah i think when i was 20 i'm not trying to be that guy but when i was 29 if i was in a relationship i'd be like no one's touching my girlfriend and now i'm 40 i'm like ah stick it so i think it's because i think because i think what you have with your partner the longer you're together is so much more important than a fuck right it's like you're not like we much more important than a fuck, right?

It's like, you're not, like we've been together 17 years. Your fuck doesn't threaten us. Whereas like, Oh yes! Whereas if you've been dating six months and it's like, why do you already want to fuck somebody else?

Why haven't I enough? We're thinking about buying a static caravan. What's a fucking group bang? Nothing. Is that a new discount website? Yeah, I was like, what? Hey, if you've got a static in Abisoc, you can take a third lover.

Yeah, you don't want to do that on wheels, I suppose. An orgy on wheels is not ideal. You want a static one. If you're happy. John, did you put the fucking handbrake on? Classic North Wales. John Pavel again. The amount of threesomes I've had.

John. Oh, my God, I my god such a bad back john back oh well this has been an absolute pleasure katherine boha and good luck with your pod with the wonderful helen bauer trusty hogs where can we find the podcast is it everywhere is it on youtube everywhere that you listen to your podcast we're on YouTube as well we film it and yeah I mean it's it's less calm than this podcast I'd say

Less calm? Yeah I'd say if you listen to this podcast on volume 8 maybe put us to a 4 we're shouters I'd say I actually feel competitive

about the calmness of our podcast We could never have Helen and Catherine at the same time although it feels like a really fun crossover I don't think

that would end up in Bedlam. Yeah, it would be four people shouting at each other with nobody taking a breath. And Adam ringing that bell. I don't normally ring that. That's normally him because I'm normally the bullshitter. Oh. I see that for you. I've loved today. Thanks very much for coming in. Thanks for having me. It's been a joy.

Where can we find you specifically on the internet? Twitter, Instagram, TikTok at Catherine Bowhart there we go please and thank you oh and also I'm going on tour in the new year which I think

isn't on sale yet but will be on sale at some point next month from CatherineBowhart.com and is there a mailing list you can sign up to to get priority

yes there is yes my god you're such a stage dad thank you Catherine's a brilliant comic go and watch her work and if you are in Manchester and you're such a stage dad. Thank you. Catherine's a brilliant comic. Go and watch her work. And if you are in Manchester and you're a Patreon

and you're getting this on Saturday, you can see it at the Frog and Bucket tonight. If it is not yet sold out. Yeah, matinee and evening show on Saturday. I'll be there. There you go. There is a brand new line of merch available with more coming. There's some really cool stuff coming up at haveawaypod.com.

You can get the extra episode and all the early access straight to patreon coming up at haveawaypod.com you can get the extra episode and all the early access shit at patreon.com slash haveawaypod Dan is already announced his tour you can get all of that from dannightingale.com and I'm adamrow.co.uk sign up to my mailing list the end of October is when my tour is going to be announced

but obviously Patreons will get a bit of priority on that as well that's everything go fuck yourself and your nan me gone