Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #141 with Fin Taylor - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 11, 2021

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but we also think it's a fucking dealio. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl.

I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up!

Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Hold me going this morning while I was wiping my arse.

Oof. Just a standard position, hovering over the seat, or were you going something a little bit... You hover, do you? Yeah, I'm a standard as well. I used to be a standard position, hovering over the seat, or were you going something a little bit... You hover, do you? Yeah, I'm a standard as well. I used to be a standard, and if I remained a standard up until my adult life, I wouldn't have pulled me going. I was just twisting a bit. Ow!

I was twisting a bit much just to get my hand between and below my balls, and it's gone. Just a normal speed, or was it just a fast wipe? I was rushing. Oh. Eh? R rushing. Oh. Eh? Rushing. Oh.

Not like the nationality. I wiped my shit. Are you a citadine? What for? Shits? Yeah. No, when you wipe your body. Unless it's been something monumental,

and then I have to stand just to give it the round of applause it deserves. Oh, see, I'm a... I have it at just to sort of like give it the round of applause it deserves. Oh, see, I'm a... I'm a... Have it at me. Stand up. Do you stand all the way up? No, you can't. I used to do that.

You can't stand all the way up. Until I was like 25, I used to stand up. Why? And then I realised what I was doing was just staining the inside of my arse cheeks

because it just spreads it all over, doesn't it? Ineversibly. Exactly. Good morning! Good morning. Good Saturday morning for the Patreons. Good Saturday morning for the patrons Good Monday morning for the pubes

6am I nearly plopped in Asda before Did you? I think I'm trying to phase out the energy I'm trying to make a few changes in my life Energy drinks need to go Because I'm 40, grow the fuck up But there is an adult version called Espresso

We talked about it that uh double espresso as no that espresso i had in mcdonald's last week has now progressed to a double espresso and i swear to god i i didn't know the slow down espresso is a double espresso in a week you're gonna be on latte for a month right you're gonna be mainline in kenko dan you've got a bit of coffee around your nose don't fucking judge me i had a double espresso this morning went to asda to get some water for the studio congratulations and nearly plopped on the way to the car had to waddle all the way back high speed waddle up you know one of those long elevators but i need a poo waddle past the nannas

in the cafe who all gave me that oh we've all been theredle. Past the nannas in the cafe who all gave me that oh we've all been there love bound to shit himself. The nannas in the cafe are probably like at my age love you just poo yourself and go do you know what

if you judge me you judge me. I've already done it love and I'll finish my tea cake. You've got a lisp. What? You've got a lisp. They have.

No that was the nanna. The nanna's got a lisp. Hello you're right. Hello. Hello. I've gone and done a poo. So it's been an emotional morning so far, hasn't it? You're a bit cheeky, aren't you?

Oh, about 50 a year younger. How does it feel now? I mean, I feel cleared out. Phenomenal. I made it, by the way. I made it, guys. It's fine when I'm not using it. Right, so let's try and not use your groin on this episode.

Yeah. Which is probably a good advice for all episodes, isn't it? Yeah, but if me and Sam are going to watch James Bond tonight and if she has a bit of popcorn and gets a bit frisky and I give her a pump, I'm worried I might do some damage. What, in the cinema? When we get home. Oh, right.

Cockporn. She just gets really turned on by popcorn, does she? Oh, God, Adam, I can't wait. She's getting an ice blast as well, though. That sounds like... A dick blast. That sounds like you've kept your fingers in the fridge and then gone, pow, pow should we get an ice blast as well though that sounds like that sounds like you've kept your fingers in the fridge

and then gone pow pow give us an ice blast have you seen Jimmy Bond yet no I'm not usually a fan but it's it's fucking amazing

oh you've been yeah me and Stephen touched it the other day it's very good right yeah look the adverts look good it's the last Daniel Craig yeah it's just

it's yeah it's so good what do you think about the idea of the next James Bond being a woman? I think it should be a trans woman. Yeah, a man. Yeah.

Oh we are pleased With ourselves this morning I didn't shit myself His groins on the men But we've got really close To what we do Pretty quick That's pretending To give it to the men

Yeah I Right I think Here's my opinion on it Because we had a couple of tweets Going what do you think About this lads Right Here's my opinion on it, because we had a couple of tweets going, what do you think about this, lads? Here's my opinion on it.

I think it's a bit daft that they're doing it, but I want them to do it to wind up all the James Bond nonsense. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? How did the female Doctor Who go down with all the Doctor Who nonsense? Like a sack of shit. Like a sack of shit. Like a sack. Because Jodie Whittaker is great.

She's a great actress. Actor Finn, grow up. Actor, sorry. Sorry. How dare you feminise a word? I know. How dare you? But the writing was just awful.

And she was awful as that role. It wasn't because she's a woman. No. It's because she's shit at being Doctor Who. Yes. Yeah. Well, hang on.

The script's not her fault, though, is it? No. No. The acting is. Like, you can... Has there ever been a good... If the script's shit,

you can, you know, throw some moves in to make it better. Thank you for that, Michael Caine. Could you tell us the rest about your knowledge of acting? Fucking hell,

this script isn't very good. I will do more fucking M movements. That's what you don't know about Michael Caine. I have carried a lot of shit scripts. With magic. Scripts not up to much. Look at my thumb. Look at my thumb.

It's fixed again. Do you know what I mean? Oscar. Adam, can I give you a- If you actually read a musical, it's shit. Because the dancing, you don't notice. Can I give you a scene, Adam, with you jazzing off? Good point.

Good point. If you read a musical, I'm always reading musicals. A lot of people say, you want to go to a musical. I'm like, nah, don't need to. Just give me the script. Yeah, the script's shit. Yeah, but who reads musicals. A lot of people say, you want to go to a musical? I'm like, nah, don't need to. Just give me the script. Yeah, the script's shit. Yeah, but who reads musicals? When do you ever?

Apart from the actors. Right. And then that's why musicals ended up being musicals with singing and dancing. Because they were reading the script and they were going, this is fucking bollocks, we're going to have to dance or something.

Every musical is just the shit script that they've plumped up a bit fact fact look it's a look if we if we do this line but we go people are gonna be like the dancing makes it when are you uh debuting in the west end there he's pulled his groin again adam can you act some scenes out for us what scenes um think of a film done that he's definitely seen what that he has to what plump up with some hand actions yeah right okay devil's advocate because I know you love doing it. Right. Right.

But it's a good script. That's a fuck it. The problem with that is it's a great script. He's remembered that because it's one of his favorite bits. Yeah. You know. Do you know what I mean?

Like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men when he's like you can't handle the truth. When it was written down that was just you can't handle the truth and he turned it into

you can't handle the truth. No. That it into, you can't handle the truth. That's acting. That's just shouting. No. Because the writer of A Few Good Men didn't write it. You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. I didn't order a code red.

Like, I think the writer, when he was, he was like, you'll probably fucking shout this. This will be dead tense every script isn't like life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get fucking Forrest Gump let's see if anyone can act it up turn it down a little bit

I can't remember what we were talking about james bond james and then uh james bond because they want jodie comer maybe yes scouse jodie comer she's bossing killing eve and she's a spy in there all right well she's you know what i think is really great i've seen a video of her the other day where she's doing american interviews and she's got a british accent and then she's doing british interviews like on graham norton and she just sounds like she's got a British accent and then she's doing British interviews like on Graham Norton and she just sounds like she's from Crofty. Her accents are phenomenal.

Right. Like she can do, like have you seen Killing Eve? No. Her accents and that are perfect. Yeah.

Like that's what, that's her. What have you got to say? Yeah. You don't want to scouse James Bond? You're happy for it to be a woman

but you don't want it to be a scouser. Listen, one step at a fucking time. Have you seen Janine Bond? Fuck her now. Father O'Le to be a woman, but you don't want it to be a scouser. Listen, one step at a fucking time. Have you seen Janine Bond? You fucking hell. Father O'Leary be a good Bond. Am I five and on my fucking balls again?

Father O'Leary be a good James Bond. Let's not crowbar him in. I like him as well, Karl. Let's not bastardise my new favourite character. It's a bit daft, isn't it be but if jodie comers james bond it can't be james bond can it what are you gonna call it james exactly this lady's called james this is the argument from from the non-woke right i suppose they're called is it no he's a man and he's a white man and he drinks alcohol so not what any

fucking Muslims do I just wanted to be a white man who likes a bevy that's what I want there needs to be a universe doesn't there that's what the argument is

there needs to be a 00 universe because this is not a spoiler in the new James Bond the 007 is a black woman yeah but that's that's historically

been the thing like James Bond is not his name yeah yeah it's the name of 007 isn't it exactly 007 is his thing because like sean born sean bean sean born sean bean sean bean is uh he's 008 or 006 yeah there should be a universe so 002 could be jodie calmer yeah so that but i don't want that. The film's called James Bond, isn't it? Yeah, but I want... So 007 does have to be called

James Bond. I want them to make Jodie Comer James Bond. And I want her to act like a man. I want her to behave like a man.

She's not a lesbian. She's a man. And she fucks women. With her dick. Yeah, with her dick. Right. She's smashing the fuck out of pussy galore and she's

doing it with a female scouse accent the whole time and it's never referenced no one's like hang on aren't you a woman she's just like i like james lad he's like what's happening pint of bitter please now get your fucking tits out gail what does james think i think it's famously known what he orders what does does he order? Pints of bitter. Pints of bitter. Yeah, yeah. He drinks alcohol. Can I have a snake bite there, lad? Nice one.

I saw some of the sort of backlash, like, because obviously it gets all the gamins saying all the shit that they want us to say. I just saw a lot of, like, intelligent women come back with, can we not just have better female leads

in major films can we stop sort of trying to like feminize these roles to just sort of like redress the balance can we not just have better characters in major films that are for women written for women could there be someone in james bond who's just like a brilliant female spy. Well, there is. Instead of just being the absolute... Yeah, exactly. There's two, yeah. But that's the progress. Instead of it just being the woman in James Bond,

it just gets fucking porked six times and then thrown to the fucking side. Because you're like, no one can tie me down. In fact, there's three main... I'm seeing it tonight! No, I'm not talking about within James Bond. There are strong female roles within James Bond. Q, isn't it like...

M. Okay, but that's been going on for a while. But I'm talking about the actual focal point of the film, the name of the film. Stop doing this thing of like, right, we take this and change it to this. Just write a better fucking film. It's an easy way.

I get M and Q confused, by the way. There's no Q in Judi Den that's how I remember it is it there's no M either but it sounds like there might be one in the middle have you pulled the groin

in your head what happened to a blind James Bond what happened have we just got bored of Idris Elba I think Idris Elba got so bored

of the conversation he's like I'm not doing it now because it'll just be a thing and I'd rather just be if I was going to be James Bond I wanted it to be Idris Elba's James bored of the conversation, he's like, I'm not doing it now, because it'll just be a thing, and I'd rather just be, if I was going to be James Bond, I wanted it to be Idris Elba, James Bond, and that's all right, isn't it?

Also, he'd fuck it up, because he's not that good. He's fucking great! No, he's not. Luther's a bag of shite. Whoa. Wash your twatting mouth off. Mate, it's fucking dog shit. Idris Elba was amazing in The Wire, and I've seen him be pretty shit in a lot of other stuff.

He fucking ruined The Lion King. The worst sheer car. I'm a fucking tiger. I'm really scary. You're not, Idris. That's not Luther. You can't fucking act. Would have been a lot worse without the hand movements, though.

No. Why are you a little fucking boy? Do it like that. No. Don't do that. Do it now. No. No, just do the line. I'll fucking like that. No. Don't do that. Do it now. No. No, just do the line.

I'll fucking eat you. I'm Idris Elba. Yeah. I'm sheer fucking con, you naughty little cunt. Raw. Isn't that the script, though, Dan? Yeah, I think he might have ad-libbed a bit of it. Idris, can you tone down the cockney?

No, I'm a naughty fucking tiger. I like little boys not to fuck to eat yeah Shere Khan's not a pedo he's angry you don't like Luther

I don't like Luther because I've watched it everyone wanked off about it it's brilliant in the line of duty first season absolute hack shite I didn't even call it that

what? is it just called the line of duty? it's called line of duty is it called line of duty? it doesn't change is it just over in the first season absolute hack shite I didn't even call it that what? is it just called The Line of Duty? it's called Line of Duty is it called Line of Duty? it doesn't change is it just over in the first season of that?

no it's just another thing that everyone bangs on about that I did not enjoy maybe you're wrong have you told me that? oh mate

maybe you have you just used that as an argument maybe you have got a heavy prejudice against British BBC police dramas let me try and think of a good one

there probably is one I got bored of Killing Eve as well do you know why it got ruined? because Phoebe Waller-Bridge wrote the first season and then she never wrote the next two yeah okay I'm not a Idris Elba fan I think honestly

I really want to be but I'm not I just think he's I think he hams a lot of stuff up he's amazing in the wire what if the new James Bond was Morgan Freeman right how old is Morgan Freeman now

78, 79 probably older slow moving um Theon Dublin yeah he's gone from footies to homes under the hammer there's only one more step he'd

be a good james bondy on dublin yeah he just beats everyone in the air yeah and that's how he kills them yeah but also be good for halfway through the new james bond if they just stop to talk about house renovations and auction sales that'd be nice like you know that's what he's into um other black actors we'd like to see in the role? I think it should be the total antithesis of what the James Bond nonces want. So they want, like, a white man who drinks. I think it should be, like, a Muslim woman who doesn't.

Shazia Mirza for the next James Bond. Yeah. Looking forward to that. Book me in. I was just in bars, just going, could I have a decaf coffee, please? Don't want to be up all night. And by the way, where's Javier Bardem?

Because I want to shoot him in the fucking face. Which is Scouse again. Or is that just you doing your own voice? Well, Adam's so Scouse, he's like, I don't care if they're black, Muslim, white, woman, don't give a fuck, as long as they're Scouse. When do we get a Scouse, James Bond? Dave Benson Phillips

Bond, you're going to have to come down to London Fuck that! Dave Benson Phillips Oh yeah, I was bored of the Scouse thing as well I don't know if he said it He gunges people to kill them He does That's what Dave Benson Phillips does.

But he has to do it scouse. Or, do you know what? What might actually work as well? Give them what they want. So they're like, there can't be a woman James Bond. There can't be a black James Bond. Give them a white man.

But make it ridiculous. Make it like Joper Squally. I'm not messing. That was the name in my head. That's weird. Joper. Like, they got what they want. Yeah. Do you want that to you? I'm not messing that was the name of my head that's weird Job like they they got what they want yeah

do you want that do you you think this is better than Idris Elba or Jodie Comer well Mr. Tumbles the new James Bond

watching that he gets shot in the first scene it's over he's like oh shot me hello hello how are you

steve 007's down 007's down steven mohan he's just trying to do crafts halfway through it's fair to say you're not a big james bond fan i love james bond all right i just like winding people up more than i like james bond but it was good genuinely it is good yeah i'm on a massive james bond fan but i was like that was very good where does daniel craig rate as a bond because i think he must be up there as one of the better ones i've only ever they've made it more realistic haven't they they've pumped a lot of money into it i mean not completely realistic no because it's still james bond and it's supposed to be slightly like whatever but like the old ones with like underwater cars i know but what

you're doing there is you're seeing that through the prism of modern cgi and everything when roger like roger moore's era of like the 70s james bond they were on on a saturday afternoon so much when i was a kid and even then you were like this is cheesy as fuck and i said it the other day it's almost like the roger moore era is a bit of a parody because they're so naff but at the time that was fucking cool that was like that was i know it just it's hard to sort of see it like that but underwater cars where they're like oh my god the fucking look at it go if you were like If you were a young lad in 1970, 1971, that would have been cool as fuck.

And the sort of, you know, the sexism of like, oh, pussy galore and all that shite. And that has become a bit of a joke, hasn't it? Now the CGI is fucking amazing. I've just got that means loads of pussy, don't I? Sorry. Do you know if it was a female James Bond and she had a male pussy galore,

what would you call him? Dick Aplenty. Aplenty. His middle initial's A and his surname's plenty he's Richard A Plenty you gotta give it the boy he did that

lightning fast I knew it was I knew it was gonna be funny but what what made me nearly spit my water on the mixing desk was the speed of it like they'd agreed it in the car nearly spilt my water on the mixing desk was the speed of it. Take a plug.

Like they'd agreed it in the car. But yet the tech now in James Bond's all possibly real. Like it's not like, oh my God, it's got a flying bicycle. Yeah, no. It could be real. i've seen the clips for this new one and you watch it going fuck me that looks really good yeah even the dhl it's pretty decent have you seen the dhl advert they've they've done we're just like a dhl delivery guy and they change the delivery address and there's basically a bond chase in an astonston Martin going on. And all right, yeah,

it's a bit far-fetched and everything, but you're like, that's just a fucking DHL advert, and it's already better than all of the Pierce Brosnan-era special effects just for a 45-second fucking postal delivery service. Pierce Brosnan's Tomorrow Never Dies is my favourite Bond, though.

It's just unrealistic. Yeah, but you like Halloumi Cheese the most I like that they've made it more realistic like in the new one the only film I've seen so far is where he hires one of those scooters

in Liverpool City Centre and chases the baddie down on one of them yeah little voice scooter is that in did you see the new one oh it's in the new one

yeah and then his thumb gets sore from holding the thing. And then there's two scallies doing... Why have they done those electric scooters in town centres? Why have they mobilised smackheads and Chinese tourists to that? That's all that's on it. That's why they've done it.

They're great. I use them all the time. Fuck you, you don't. We use them all the time. Fuck you. You don't. We use them to get around town a lot. No, you don't. Join the live show. Shut up.

I do. I've been in the city centre and got one up to hot water. They're so good. Wow. They look like shit. They do look like shit. No, I've only ever seen bellends on them. Aesthetically, they're unappealing

But they're quite And some international tourists Quite functional They're not bellends If you need something To get done in town And you can't drive Because it's ridiculous

It's £2 It's two minutes on that How does it work? It's an app And you activate it And you pay by the minute Right 20 pence a minute

You need a driving licence To get on it As well Oh So activate your driving licence. Jesus. Honestly, they're so good. They need to be done better.

How do they charge? How do... Comes out of your bank? No, no. I mean, the battery, how does it charge up? Oh, whenever you dump your thing, there's a fella who goes around in a van, collects them all,

and he charges them overnight and then puts them back the next morning. Is that for real? Yeah. Well, I didn't know you'd use them. I've literally only ever seen fucking knobheads just like

tearing up and down the pavement. And he gets hair and off at like midnight to stop obviously drunk people getting on them. And you're not allowed to go on the pavements in them but I do sometimes.

Right. So I've only ever seen bellends on pavements on them. Yeah. But then even on the road you think people on the road are like yeah but then even on the road you think people on the road like good i'm on the road like that's not definitely that safe is it you've got a license plate and indicators and everything on them yeah but no helmet you're meant to and you

can get a free helmet if you ask them yeah but you look like a free helmet if you get the free helmet don't you hello i've come for the free helmet just some guy with loads of helmets going you're the first one mate good for you you fucking nonce there you go I've three when we go to town

next you're getting on one and you'll love it me and you'll do Titanic you can do this at the front am I not allowed

my own scooter because I'm worried about you oh thanks I'll do it as long as you wear the free helmet. Can you imagine? The fucking public, isn't it?

Is that Adam and Dan from the Have a Word podcast? Wearing the fucking free helmet. Like a fin on one behind us with a boom box with... Near, far, wherever you are. Why is everything so scouse today? Near, far, fucking dead, dead far away. All right in your fucking grill. Wherever you are.

We'd say grid probably. Grid. Yeah. I'll note that down. How was your massage? You're telling us today on the Patreon that you were going for a little massage? There was no happy ending.

The happy ending was the end. That's the happy ending. The fact that she stopped doing... You come before she touched you? No! When she stopped, I was like, thank you! And then she had to help me roll over,

put her arm in front of her And then she had to help me roll over, put her arm in front of her, and she had to help me up because she'd twatted my lower spine so much I couldn't get off the bed. So I got there. She's called Teresa. If you fancy a sports massage in the Chester area, she was fucking great. Now, I've only ever had a Thai massage. I don't know what it was, but it was a bit grim. He did a job, but the whole setting was a bit like

what is this and this lady she's about 43 very attractive and just got there and I was like I've got a good feel about this she sort of asked what was wrong

I was like my shoulders are tight my daughter hung off my back and when we went to London to do the live show I was like in spasm it was so pathetic Finn had to carry my bags and then we went to london to do the live show i was like in spasm it was so pathetic finn had to carry my bags and then during the sound check the adrenaline hadn't kicked in and we were doing the sound check and he was making me laugh and i was like it was bad and she sort of identified all of that and then this is how i know she's quite professional i don't really like

getting my mantids out in front of people like i feel quite self-conscious but you know you get to somewhere and you're like this is what they do and this is what this is for and she was like okay so just gonna go down to your shorts and i just it was weird because she's an attractive lady she's like in her early 40s and whatever she's from the czech republic but you're just like yeah this is and it's weird oh Teresa from the Czech Republic Teresa spelled with a Z oh wow right

sexy as fuck that takes it from literally like your ma's ugliest mate to like some absolute fit European she wasn't wearing shoes she wasn't wearing shoes

she was only about 5'1 5'2 I was like are you going to be able to do this yes so you lie down and she started at the top and she was like okay so what do to be able to do this? Yes. Um, so you lie down and she started at the top and she was like, okay, so what do we do is we go to one to 10. If 10 is too much,

too much pain. And one is obviously not, not, no, no pain. You let me know where you are and where you want me to stop. If you say eight, I will reduce. Okay. She was like, I went for a sports massage. She started at 12. I was like like please don't start at 12 genuinely looked at her going you're I don't think you're going to be able are you definitely

going to be able to do this no shoes on you know I don't know I was like this will be fine within 10 minutes do you think there's like

massage shoes like fussy boots no I don't know like don't you yeah but I don't know it's like how she does it

anyway she started and it was like at points because we were doing I didn't know you were's like how she does it anyway. She started, and it was like at points, because we were doing that. I didn't know you were going to do this. It wasn't the whole massage, but whenever she applied pressure, I had to say what number we were on,

and it was like I had like Tourette's, and I was trying to give a girl my phone number in a bar. I was like, seven, eight, five, five, five, four, three, eight. It's just mental. And I saw her go and she was like, okay, I'm using my elbow now. I was like, hey. And it's not even like, you're not in pain, but you are.

It was like a pleasure pain thing where you know it's doing you good. Yeah. And when someone punches you in the nose when they're sucking you off. It's just like that. As I was getting it done, I was like, I love being punched in the nose when someone're sucking you off. It's just like that. As I was getting it done, I was like, I love being punched in the nose when someone's sucking me off.

Huh? Yeah, with... A bit overhand. Have you ever been sucked off by Mr. Tickle from the Mr. Men series? We've all got fantasies. Would you really like to be punched in the face while you're being noshed by?

No, it's not a joke. Oh, right. You said pleasure and pain, so I reduced that to both. The two examples of one of each. Pleasure, getting sucked off, pain, being punched in the nose. I like my comedy to be believable. Okay. Did she climb on?

Did she? No, I don't think so. But have you ever had your glutes done? Mate, you'd love it, I think. If you play sport she was like do you do sport I was like

I sit down and talk to some bellends quite like a high standard of that but no she was like you jog I went I went for a 20 minute jog in May

and then like walked home I'm not a sportsman so I think she had to gear it but the glutes was interesting because it's basically I just had a small woman

twatting my ass. Like, it really, it's just like, and it fucking, I felt like bad afterwards, but now it feels better. So I'm into it. What? Did she slip or did you? Did she finger me? Yeah.

No, I'd have led with that. Did you know when you were like, oh, yeah, sorry. God, yeah. Do you know what? Even though it was a very professional sports and remedial massage i forgot to say she did finger my ass just at the end of it what's also fun is i recommended the podcast to her so i hope you're watching cerisa this is what we do because she got this she was like she went um this is so funny because she's obviously from the czech republic has worked really hard her and her husband live in chester now oh she's married and yeah and um she was like so what do you do for a job she gets to know you and i was like i'm a comedian she went in your personal life i went yeah but also as a job she went for money i was like yeah yeah i'm a comedian

i do a podcast she was like i like podcasts I listen to Joe Rogan I was like well let me ruin your day have a word pod she literally got it up so she may well be watching it I recommend her if you

just google her Teresa with a Z I'd love to see you try and explain what we do to her no it's because he's a priest and he's scouse

and he doesn't care you don't get it priests normally have something to say about these things he's not bothered Dan did you get excited

I can't I can't explain to you enough how not alright like it's just not like that like it really

like as soon as you start and you're like oh this you could tell it was doing good i know exactly what you mean because i i was worried about that when i went with my ex-girlfriend for a couple's Thai massage in Edinburgh i was like oh i hope i don't get like an obvious boner because it's not like you you can like when you get a boner in public and you're just tucking into like the waistband of your pants. Yeah, and then jizzing your belly button. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. You don't need to do that. You can't really do that in the massage place because you've only got like shorts on and it'd be very obvious you're tucking your dick away and then also your foot's going to be poking out like a little anteater's nose. Thanks for the full description.

Right. You got it? Everyone got it? Yeah, you got it. So I was worried. I was like, I'm going to be in a room with me girlfriend and two Thai ladies

and what if I just get you're gonna be James Bond in your head I was like what if I get a big rage and stonk on and then what if she's like

oh let's have an orgy I'd be like ugh oh god this wasn't in the pamphlet but I was like I hope that doesn't happen and I'm

I was reassured quite quickly because she just beat the shit out of me until she fell off the table yeah but there's the thing is like

there's a little bed and there's like relaxing oils and everything and you'd be forgiven for going oh this could be it's just

so not that at all it's an MMA bout where you're just out you're going four rounds with George St Pierre did you find it relaxing because because i was like i thought i'd be a bit tense like oh this is this is cringy the only real tension i felt was at one point where she was like okay let me know if this is uncomfortable try and breathe through it i was like i do want to breathe through it but there is a chance i'm

gonna fart especially when she was doing my glutes i I was like, I'm just a bit tense because I don't want to fart. And she went, okay, if you're going to do that, just warn me. Which is... So she's not like, oh, for fuck's sake. I need to go back to check with the public. So this is one of the advantages of IBS, I suppose, is before I'm going into any small room, I try and have a little fart before I go in.

Like when you're going out as a kid, your mum's like, have you been for a wee? I have to do that with myself as an adult. I'm like, have you been for a fart? I do a little fart and then I'm free for an hour or so. Before you go in any small room, you don't do that in here. Why?

So you don't do that care to see me. We're here for hours, aren't we? Right. You don't have a six hour massage. You've stopped farting a lot though in here. You've been, I don't know if it's, I don't know if the pandemic- I don't know if the pandemic. I think I've changed my diet.

Have you? No. No. I don't know what's happened, but I'm farting less. You really are. I know what it'll be. I'm getting more and more comfortable with Sam,

aren't I? Been together a long time now. I'm farting in front of her, so I'm not saving it up. Oh, so you try and keep your farts away from small women as well. Small rooms, small women.

God, you can't be farting on your girlfriend's face. No, too, you couldn't, no, too early. Yeah.

Do you, do you wee and plop in front of each other yet? Aye. Toilet time is private time for me. Yeah. Sam likes to, she'll be brushing it. She'll come in if I'm having a shit,

and I'm like, get out. Wow. She's not arsed. She really does love you. She is so not arsed at all about any of that. And I'm like, I'm having a shit. I don't even like someone being in the bathroom while I'm weeing.

She can go in the bathroom and brush her teeth with you in the bathroom doing, no disrespect, what you do that pulls groins sometimes. Yeah. I want to leave rung horn when you go to the toilet good god she loves you it's lovely sometimes she'll like be like i'm going to shop do you want anything i'm like i want you to leave me alone and we need toilet paper you've only got three left i'm about to use them that's what he said that's that time he said that three rolls yeah all right hang on i don't use three you don't you use two hyperbole well I don't use three

You don't use two It's hyperbole You don't No But you were exaggerating To make a comedic point This guy So good

This guy The best But in all seriousness No one fingered me It was a very professional Sports massage I might go for one next week I'm going to start

Going back to physio I think for my shoulder Because I'm starting To have really shit sleeps. And it's because of the anxiety of this. I'll figure that out. If you've only just got involved in the podcast recently, you've not done the back catalogue.

Adam popped his shoulder out mid-nap. No, not nap. Sleep. Sleep. It was in the night, wasn't it? So you woke up. And it was out. Disabled.

There's a video on Patreon of him fucked off his twat on Gassonair. Go back and find him. Stop the tape. Fucked off his twat? Yeah, he is in a bad way. Make sure when there's a new Scouse James Bond they get that in the script at some point. Bond, I see you've fucked off your twat.

Get on me. Do-do, do-do, do-do. Fuck, he sings it. Do-do, do-do-do-do. Do-do, do-do-do-do. He sings it Jodie Comer with a fag Jodie Comer is born Up your fucking ass Tony Comer Fucks off me twat

But yeah When was that? November-ish You'll be able to figure that out Before the end of the episode And put it in the description Did you just say Tony Comer? I thought you said Tony Comer

Do you know that's my tour manager? Is it? That's her name Mind blown Shout out Tony Comer Shout out Johnny Comer Fucked off you twat Everyone smokes in your world

Kicking off abroad Couldn't give a fuck That was heartbeat, that. Heartbeat. Why aren't you set since some part of Merseyside? Scouse heartbeat. Scouse everything. James Bond and Scouse heartbeat. Scouse heartbeat Scouse everything Imagine James Bond In Scouse heartbeat Scouse squid games

Lads Gotta play Tigger And I'll fucking Bum your head off Do you Scouse squid game Would be great I haven't seen it yet

I'm waiting for it We've got a question about it. I'll pause the question until next week. I've watched the first three episodes. It's really weirdly watchable. It would be better in Scout. What? It's only even like Scout.

I can only imagine, right? If, you know, because like the pandemic and all these like movie companies have lost loads of money. Imagine if like James Bond lost the rights to their theme song and they had to use the heartbeat. A female black James Bond with a heartbeat playing. It's considered dog'sness.

She's singing it as well. Interval. Money contests. Intervale Money Contest word pod tell a friend do something help spread the word also i'm on tour next year if you want to come and see me do stand up get tickets at dan nightingale.com appreciate you you're a good egg you're a good lid back to the episode i didn't tell you about the fight i had at cherry cinnamon did i you just said everyone was really nice you had a good time yeah i forgot i had a fight yeah you killed the man with your bare dick actually I did have a

massive argument in the queue at half time after the supporter you are a big fan of football aren't you half time

the queue was massive you know in the MEN so the queue for the bar at half time was enormous we were in the queue for like 40 minutes and then this fucking mank girl in a bucket hat just like weaved away so there's two cues and she we are in

the left one and she weaved away to just like three in front of us but not all the way to the front of the queue on the other queue and you could see everyone around her like the fuck is she doing and i just had enough to drink to be the guy to say it and i went do you think everyone's fucking soft and she went what mate and i went do you think everyone doesn't know that you've just walked from the back and stood there and she i don't know what you're on about and i went you've moved from over there to there and everyone knows and no one's gonna let you in and she was like well she goes well how would you feel right if i told you last week i was on tour with jerry cinnamon so what do you think about that

and i went uh no one's asked and she went but i'll show you on my phone i went no one cares i went if you're mates with jerry go and get him to get your fucking drinks why is he not here or why aren't you backstage having a drink with him i would get to the back of the fucking queue and then she's in my face like shouting and then sam stepped in and sam was like get out of his fucking face now you horrible fucking fucking stand over there and she moved back and the queue were all like and then some girl went he should be allowed to push the queue now and then it was really bad actually because there was two people in the queue next to us who we'd sort of split our parties and put them in that queue and us in that queue like friends we'd made in the queue all right they got our drinks for us so we

ended up sort of no that's fair yeah that's fair it's fair yeah yeah i had a fight eggy as fuck whole q cheered what did she yeah king of the queue which one is yeah i have these arguments everything that you described everything that just happened in my head yeah i like literally let it happen i'm like yeah i just had enough to not keep it in my head and the the only reason i'm telling you now is because there was a few lads in the queue who were podcast fans and were like, you can talk about this on the next episode. So there you go. I, what does she mean? By the way, I've been to the MEN to see Kevin Hart live

and the clientele that were there to see. The jazz singer. Kevin Hart. The jazz singer. No, the, he's an American comedian. Hang on.

Wait a minute. Dan, you've been sewn up like a kipper. You you've been sewn up like a kipper. You said... Sewn up like a kipper? Isn't that a saying? Hang on, hang on. No, isn't that a saying?

Yeah, it is if you're over 70, yeah. That is a saying though, isn't it? Do you sew kippers up? Aren't kippers fish? Yeah. You sew fish together? Sewn up like a kipper? Oh, stitched up like a kipper?

Same thing. Oh, because they like a kipper. Same thing. Oh, because they take the bones out and then you stitch them back up so you can eat it. Don't know. Don't trust fish. Oh, it means you've been betrayed. You have.

You've betrayed your trust. I'm gutted. Like a fish. Yeah, just to round that off, I knew you meant the comedian. That isn't a jazz singer called Kevin Hart that I know of

let me change your Thursday I knew that you knew someone commented like that's my new favourite bit I think I can ruin that for you yeah it was rough as fuck

the Kevin Hart like it was a lot of wannabe gang stars and I would have everyone could have just done what they wanted in the queue because I'd have been

like I'm not getting into this didn't that happen to you in the officer's mess wow you robbed the police and you

were working have we not told this story I don't think so what we didn't rob the police we accidentally

gave all the stuff away for free yeah but yeah that's different it was under threat of violence though no it wasn't oh right tell the story i thought it was so at the echo arena at the echo arena there was sorry i think like some kind of reggae night on I think like some kind of reggae night on. Reggae night? You mean the reggae tour?

You mean the reggae world tour? It was Levi Roots. Genuinely, Finn's probably been to it. Oh, I love the reggae tour. Who's on? Doesn't matter. It's just reggae. It's like one of those compilation CDs.

They just sell an arena out just by going, this is reggae. Which reggae? Shush, shush, shush, shush. Doesn't matter about that. Wait till Rock's on next week. It's the Rock Tour. Which rock band?

And then, then, then, then, then. Details. Details. Folks struggling to sell at the end of the month. So there's a reggae night on. So there's a reggae night.. So there's a reggae night. The doors are just open to walk in. Look, it was,

there was a mobo night. There was a music of black origin night is all I'm saying, right? And yeah, reggae night. Reggae isn't even like... Honestly, it can get pretty nasty, the reggae crowd. Just Trevor McDonald and his mates. Is that the black music you think caused this?

Reggae? I, I'm almost certain it was a reggae night. I think it was like all the big reggae stars. No. No. I'm not like a compilation tour. Not like when they did like McBusted. Yeah. I think it was a reggae one of them. What do you mean? The reggae McBusted. Like Britain's Got Talent. Like a compilation tour. No, like when they did like McBusted. Yeah.

I think it was a reggae one of them. What do you mean? Like Britain's Got Talent. McBusted, man. Just for a whole fucking genre of music. Yeah. Gyption. He's a reggae star.

There you go. Gyption. Yeah, but they don't sell it on the individuals, do they? It's just the reggae night. Yeah, yeah. And there was an after party for a V.I. For the reggae artists? No.

Fans. Right. So I worked at a pub called The Officer's Mess, which was on Victoria Street in Liverpool. It was. Right. And every other day of the lifespan of it, it was a gastro pub.

But on this night... It was a gastro pub but on this night it was a reggae pub the most reggae looking man of all time had hired it for an after party now so Mr Reggae Reggae Bob Marley's

tour promoter John Marley John Marley Marley and Marley have Marley and Marley Marley and Marley Yeah Have Marley and Marley Have Rented the pub

The gastropub Yeah What were the Clientel that he brought in like Was it just one reggae man With a load of normal mates Or was it all the reggae crew There's no easy way

For me to say this Without sounding harsh It was pretty reggae There wasn't a single Non-black person in the building Apart from the staff Okay Right All the staff Okay Right

All white staff Okay Okay Yeah So Here's what had happened Draws a line doesn't it There'd been a miscommunication

Right Right So My manager at the time It was also mine And Were you Did he manage you in Zeligs

Paul No chief No just before So yeah So when he left I think that's when you came in Important So Did he manage you in Zeligs? Paul. No, chief? No, just before. Yeah, so when he left, I think that's when you came in. Important. So he's our chief, Irish fella. Lovely.

Cool. Non-reggie. Riggie. That was Irish. So he'd come to the staff. He'd come to the staff and he'd said, right, empty the fridges and turn all the taps off on the aisles because these guys tonight are bringing their own alcohol. They've paid to bring their own alcohol.

And whenever someone comes to the bar, whatever they want, just give them it because it's like it's an open bar sort of thing. So they were going to stock the bar with their own stuff. Yeah, so he was empty all the fridges. Reggae drink yeah put all put all the reggae loads of malibu yeah right loads of red stripe so people would come in the bar like it was packed right and there was a bit of hip-hop on bit of reggae a bit of r&b they were mixing up for the after party right all black music but yeah a hundred percent oh yeah and then people will come in the bar and go and um can i have a brandy please and we were like yep bottle of brandy

because that's what we were told the quicker we get this alcohol out the quicker we can sell our own because they've paid to bring this amount of alcohol right so if someone asked for a brandy and coke give them a bottle of brandy and a jug of coke right and then this guy who chief told you to do this yeah right right so but he as far as he was away it's open bar right and people want bottle service okay so this guy comes the bar and he he says to me um why are you giving everyone drinks and I was like oh mate it's just what's going on tonight everyone who's paid to be here

it's a free bar and he goes this is my event and he has an accent that I'm not going to do this is my event man and Marley you're supposed to be charging these people for drinks so he's then this fella just started Marley and Marley you're supposed to be charging these people for drinks so

he's then this fella just started because I went I'm just going to go and get the manager so I went and spoke to the manager I come back

and he's screaming at one of the young girls who worked there she was like 18 she was like a glass collector bar back sort of thing and he's like

you're giving all my alcohol away you're giving all my alcohol away this is fucking bullshit and he's lost his shit rightfully so but away you're giving all my alcohol away this is fucking bullshit and he's lost his shit rightfully so but the wrong person do you know what I mean it turns out

what he'd done in the mid-term he'd ask can I hire the venue out and can I stock the bar and sell the alcohol so he wanted to hire a place out and sell his own alcohol

to his customers rather than that bit shitty yeah yeah but in his head he's. Yeah, but in his head. He's made it too complicated. In his head, though. That's what he's asked for. That's what he's paid for.

And that's what's been accepted. And he's brought, and I mean, thousands of pounds of alcohol to this place. And we've given it all away. And so Chief has gone, Jesus, this guy loves his mates. He's brought all this

Fucking brandy And ideally Adam If someone asks for a brandy Fuck giving him a glass Give them the whole Fucking brandy Christ give them a crate

Let's get these cunts pissed And then we can start Selling fucking snake bite And he got So the threat of violence You were talking about He was threatening To smash the place up

Cause he's like He's probably lost Ten grand And I'm not exaggerating On the threat of violence you're talking about, he was threatening to smash the place up because he's like, he's probably lost 10 grand and I'm not exaggerating on the amount of money he's put into this thing. So he's kicking off and Chief's just like, just carry on. And I said to Chief at the time, and Chief's great, but I went,

mate, I went, I'm not working here and I'm not letting any of this, like I was just a bartender, but I was like, I'm not letting any of these stay in the building because it was me and the rest of the staff were girls right

I went everyone get out now and chief was like you can't do that I was like this is all their deal anyway and we've already given all of it away

so we're going outside and me and the girls went to the side and chief eventually joined us and then the police got called and it got broken up when they just got on behind the bar and making their own bevvies

from then on I wasn't in the building I refused to be in the building. Yeah, because the guys just lost an 18-year-old, 17-year-old bar back. Like, that's not a good sign, is it? No. It was just get everyone out and get them away.

Reggae's quite a chilled out sort of music. Yeah. Not if it's 10 grand of brandy down. No. That's what happened. There was no actual violence. There was just a lot of anger and justified. I wasn't that.

So I've heard of people renting out bars, but like hiring it out. As soon as you're like, I want to put all my alcohol behind the bar and have you sell that. Like if I was the, you know, Marley and Marley, I'd really double check as you got to the venue that everyone on the staff knew what was,

because that is a colossal, I don't know if it was Chief's fault, but someone in management has fucked up royally there, haven't they? Like, yeah. I think what's happened is Marley and Marley have gone, can I bring my own alcohol? And can we do it that way? And they've gone, yeah. They must have paid a lot to get the right to serve their alcohol.

An awful lot. But I imagine they got quite the refund. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah. We're Marley and Marley. Anyone? Up its Christmas, Carol?

Oh. No? Couldn't let that one pass. It's good. Thanks. Looking forward to that. One of my favourite Christmas films. Jesus, you've worked some fucking bars, haven't you?

Shall we do some would you rathers? The officers' mess was a right mess that night. And some officers turned up. I think you should have let that hang in the air. I think it deserved a bit of a hang. Some officers turned up. Ah, police. Let it hang.

Touche. Do you want to do a couple of would you rathers? A couple. A couple. A couple of A couple of Eyelids This is from a young man Emailing in for the first time called Danny Johansson

Where are you from? It's Dan Johnson Eyelids Would you rather do a gig in full drag Or a gig in your underwear? Finn Carl, still answer. But for you, it's a public pod, not a gig. Would you rather...

You have to do this gig in full drag or your underwear. What are you going for? Does my underwear include my vest? You don't wear vests. You're not your dad. Good start. No, that's cheating. underwear include me vest you don't wear vests you're not your dad good start no that's

cheating what do I do my cycling shorts class as underwear nope long johns is it just

me keks just your bills me thunderpanth yeah do you wear like white front or boxies we've had this

chat I'm a white front man with then cycling shorts over for the chub room I knew that I was going to just over for the you wear cycling shorts over wife runs yeah it'd be hot in there steaming man it's like a fucking reggae night what i don't know.

I will go full drag and never reference it. Really? Yeah. Okay. I think genuinely I'd rather be in full drag than just my underpants. I'm going full drag as well. Just because I wear a lot of stuff to hide how fat I am. And there's no hiding if your tits are out.

I felt that at the sports massage. I was like, here it all is. Or don't. Yeah. I need a black T-shirt and a jacket to give me lines. And you know, I need all that. So I'll wear that, but pink. Which gig?

Which gig are you picking? You have to do this gig. Which gig are you picking that you've got to go full drag? I don't want to do one of ours. I want everyone that comes to, like, one of the Secret Sundays or I Have a Word live show to not be like,

yeah, it was a good show, but fuck me, Dan looks really bad in fishnets. Opening for Russell Howard at the London Palladium. Good. Always about the old career arc, aren't you? Like, yeah, I want to...

Russell Howard was like, Adam, when we booked you, I mean, you can do what you want. Really good, like, a woke sort of industry comedian being like, I don't want to stop you being you or, you know, whatever your truth is, Adam, but when we booked you, we didn't know you'd be in full drag. Well, it's either this or me undies lads so you pick Ryan Proctor says

alright lids alright okay full drag on a on a park do you know what he'd do he'd wear exactly what he normally wears and put a bow in his hair

and be like ah drag innit full drag yeah definitely who do you think would make the best full drag Finn and put a bow in his hair and be like, ah, drag, innit? Full drag. Yeah, definitely. Who do you think would make the best full drag? Finn.

Do you think? Put the hair. Just give him the mic. I think I'd be great in drag. I've done my half. What a weird thing to all of a sudden have confidence about.

You're so like, like, apologetic and nice about everything. But when it comes to drag, you're like, oh, I'd love the shit in drag.

I would love to send you the video to your dad as well. What the fuck is going on? He's already ashamed enough. You wear drag on

the internet. My friends in Turkey watch this. You'll never be able to come back to the place in Turkey we're from. Which I've forgotten.

Bodrum. Bodrum. Bodrum. Yes I always forget Bodrum Bodrum yes I always forget Bodrum sounds like a third choice centre back that doesn't it yeah

Youssef Bodrum Adam sending from Fulham would you rather do a gig fully bollock on or head to toe Everton

with shin pads and boots head to toe Everton shin pads and boots with an Everton hat and like Adam number one

on the back yeah yeah yep yeah because people will take pictures won't they and then no you can't take pictures in a gig to Everton chimp had some moot with Everton Harton like Adam number one on the bar yeah yeah yep yeah because people will take pictures won't they and then

no you can't take pictures in a gig you can I think if Adam gets his dick out and he's full naked I think a few people might

I mean like me if I'm on the bill as well I'd be like sorry lad content is I don't want people getting in touch

to research the biggest dick of all time for medical purposes yes I can't be arsed full natty uniform or full Everton stuff? Full Natty uniform.

Right. But you can't argue it in the press that it was a joke. You've got to own it. Why can't I? Because that's part of the stipulations of this would you rather? What you're trying to do is get me to pick Everton every time. No, you can't say I'll warn you for that. What about this?

Would you rather be shot in the head and murdered nine times or Everton kit? Shot in the head nine times, murdered. I'd do Nazi over Everton. Really? Assuming that everyone... Assuming that it's not, I can't explain it ever because... Yeah.

You're not allowed to explain it, but you'd still go Nazi over Everton. No, if I'm not allowed... You'd end your career. If I'm not allowed to explain it, then obviously I go Nazi over everything, you'd end your career if I'm not allowed to explain it then obviously I've got to go so the only way to realistic conversation is

if I've got to, if I do get to explain it and in that case I would go Nazi uniform and be like let me make Carl I lost the bet, he gave me the choice of these two, I chose Nazi because I'd rather be a Nazi than a fucking blue I'd rather be a Nazi than a fucking blue. I'd rather be a Nazi than a blue.

Yeah, I'd rather be a Nazi than a blue. I think they're more chipper. Would you rather from David Jukes. Chipper. Oh, sorry. Ryan Proctor. Alright, lads. Go to Would You Rather for the boys. Would you rather become a devoted Christian

and everything that goes with it, noncing aside, or become a vocal, active, flat earther, in brackets, noncing optional? Can I not just keep my Nazi uniform on? So, you have got to go full Christian, or you've got to go full vocal flat earther? I think I heard me

the flat earther thing work for me. Yeah. I'm good at arguing about things that I don't really believe in. We know. I can't be arse going

to getting up every Sunday morning. Dude, does, does, is this, is this, if you,

a devoted Christian suggests that you believe it? Because by the way. Or you are devoted in spite of a lack of belief. Right. I hate flat earthers so much. I would rather be a, oh no. That's such a cliche as well. Like, have you heard about Dan?

Oh, he's fucking, he's now a Christian as well like have you heard about Dan oh he's fucking he's now a a Christian a born again Christian I think they're on level powers of just annoyingness no the thing is the earth

might be flat it is though is it it isn't but we don't know we don't know anything then do we have you started already Jesus

it's probably it's probably round it's probably a big sphere floating through the abyss around a star it is probably it is though yeah yeah it is yeah oh no it is though oh yeah copy the thing is they're all it's all silly nonsense both at the heart of it it's both silly nonsense but if I go

full devoted Christians just gotta give up some Sunday mornings and hang out with some old white people round the corner in the church oh no

if I'm going Christian I'm going black church in America I'm going there gospel I'm moving if I've gotta be a Christian I'm getting

I'm getting you know black church. Right. Are you still going to live in Liverpool, though? No. Right. I'm moving to Georgia.

No. Oh, Georgia. On that midnight plane to Georgia. Plane. That's not him. Going on the plane to Georgia. That's not him. On that midnight plane to Georgia.

You're just sounding a black song with Georgia in it. Oh, Jesus. I'm going down to Georgia. No, what I mean is I'm moving to Georgia, so I'm getting the plane at midnight. Not a train that wouldn't get there. Yeah. There's no train to Georgia from here.

Do you have to get a plane? Hang on, let me check. Could you Google it? It says no direct train. Oh, fuck. There's a ferry. I see what you mean. But there is black churches over here.

Is there? Yeah. In Liverpool? Yeah. Probably. Yeah, cool. Not probably. Black churches all over the place.

Maybe not as quiet as gospel. And, you know, Southern American. I think you'd do well at a UK African church. Do you reckon? Oh, I think you'd do. Pentecostal. Oh, I mean full, you know, Southern American. I think you'd do well at a UK African church. Do you reckon? Oh, I think you'd do. Oh, I mean full,

you know, yeah. What's the difference between black church and white church? The people that attend it. I don't,

I just think it's more of a community thing, isn't it? If you're, if you're from a, if you're, Steve and Finn just shared a look like,

is this who we were? With? For. It's not... Yeah. I mean, if you're talking to the deep South America, I'm sure there's more going on there. If you turned up at an African church,

they might be like, wait a minute. Who are you? And you were like, this is an actual African house. No, this is here. This is in this country. You know,

because there's African immigrants that live in this country. Yeah, yeah. They have their own, some of them will go to their own church. African church! Why is everyone looking at me like I'm fucking mental?

No, no, no, I'm listening. I think you might get a few weird questions when you were like, morning, lad. I'll just say, no, no, I'm listening. I think you might get a few weird questions when you're like, morning, lad. I'll just say, lad, I've just got back from fucking Mozambique. I was visiting Dan's ex-wife. I do not get the reference. Welcome to the church.

Did I just make you jump to this? You went, fucking hell, lad. One morning I woke up and I heard a fucking banger coming down the road. I was like, what's that? So I walked down. Church was lit. So I was like, finding one of those over there. Nice to meet you, mate.

What's your name? My name is Father Dave. You know why? Because... He's just a priest. Yeah. Father Dave. I thought it was just like a picture of the church okay well

then my name is dave please don't ask me my surname i keep it very private for obvious reasons welcome to the church what is your name brother adam brother adam welcome to the church adam row adam row thank you and what is your twitter handle adam row comedy instagram's adam row have i seen you supporting russell howard and what's the church called um in the voice you still own character I don't know what they call their churches it's usually like I know this sounds it's usually like blissful morning

or something or the happy day I just call it St. George's St. George's Hall St. George's Hall just sounds like a theatre in Blackburn it's an actual theatre in Liverpool It's always like blessed morning or something

Why do I I live in fucking the whitest bit of Chester How do I even How am I pulling up this Assemblies of God Yeah it's always like shit That worked That's a good one

Assemblies of God List of What? Trinitarian, Pentecostal and full gospel churches The China Gospel Fellowship The Fang Cheng Fellowship Oh, here we go I like the China Gospel Fellowship

Yeah, I think this was worldwide, you know, Carl? It's one called the Church of God Well, that's cheating, isn't it? Why? I mean, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? What church is this? This is the Church of God That's, that's cheating, isn't it? Why? I mean, it's pretty obvious, isn't it? What church is this? This is the Church of God. That's what we should call it.

Really. What's the one down the street? Don't know. They need to work on the branding. Jesus is Lord. God is love. Am I the only one that thinks that being a Christian, if you genuinely believed, would be pretty nice?

That's just nice, isn't it? Ignorance. Yeah, but if you really believe it, you don't think you're ignorant, you think you're enlightened. Like, I can't fake it. That cunt who shouts about it on fucking Lord Street in Liverpool

never looks happy. Yeah, but he's not, he's just a cunt. He's like a lunatic, isn't he? He's a lunatic. There are loads of Christians who just live normal lives and in their head they're like

when I die I'm going to a nice place and that's lovely because when I die I think it's going to feel like like that's how I that's what it's going to be like when I go off

I hope I'm old and knackered but in my head I'm like this is the the big sleep you have to change your beliefs and everything abortion

like all your beliefs no no you don't no you don. No, you don't. No, you don't. Why? No, you don't. That's your... That's one facet of one type of Christianity.

There's loads of factions. There can be way more tolerant Christians out there. We could make our own new faction. Yeah. We could make the have a word Christian branch and then it's a ghetto close and we smash there. Can we? In our one, we get bitches all get out clause and we smash there in our one we get bitches

all on our dick and every day sucking on my balls it's in the gospel sounds weirdly like the gospel according to Rowey Banks that's a hymn though

yeah sucking on my balls bitches sounds like the officers mess on that reggae night and then we take Lucifer Lucifer we take donations

every week But at the end of the year That's just a kissy for a night out I think that's what the priests do Most churches That's what Father Dave's doing We should use it for the first few rounds And then after that

Everyone has to get their own We've got to get Father O'Leary involved Don't crowbar him in, Dan Sorry Do you not think it would be a... Do you think that would be an apt time to bring Father O'Leary? Sorry, Carl. It's a callback.

Thanks for your direction. Oh, hang on. No, I'll take Christianity and all the happy, happy feels. As long as I believe it. If I don't believe it... Do you think it could do your career any good to be a flat earther in terms of just you know they're looking for different voices like if you were being cynical about it could you would is it so ridiculous that it would fuck your career up

could be like have you heard about adam rowe he's got in there i just i listen to uh one of freddy's episodes with that flat ear Piggoted the Piggoted pod do check it out I I will never listen to another one that he that guy's on again though

because he drove me mad I listened to the whole thing and listening to because he's got like really staunch opinions

and then the second an astrophysicist says anything that proves what he's saying to be bullshit he goes yeah yeah but i'm not i'm not here to uh give you facts i mean to ask questions so what about this and then he just goes on to the next thing and there's it's a never-ending loop of oh you've answered that perfectly why doesn't the moon affects puddles right those things why doesn't the moon affect lakes and puddles?

The same way it affects the sea. Why haven't puddles got a tide? So, he's a moron with questions. Yeah. Yeah. That's what flat earthers are. But they've got to get out close, haven't they, all the time? Like that.

I don't know the BS flat. I'm just saying it's not a goal. Well, that's the thing. With all beliefs and faith, it's tricky, isn't it? Because basically'm just saying it's not a goal. Well, that's the thing. With all beliefs and faith, it's tricky, isn't it? Because basically you go, it's just very confusing. Can I take a simple,

like, oh, there's a God and he made it all and it's dead nice. Oh, nice. It answers a big question, doesn't it? There's no proof for God. There's proof for it not being flat. Yeah, science is right in your face and you're going, well, you've just picked your team

and now you're fighting it till the end. It's just a community. People just want to be a part of the community they've got friends they can talk to and it's like okay they're flat earth friends

and if they leave honestly the African church sounds way more fun if you leave the flat earth community you're gone because normal people

would be like you're still in our bed and the flat earth community are like oh you've gone now you're not even allowed to the fucking coffee mornings

no you're stuck in the middle so once you've made your bed you're in it with flat earth. If we start to have a weird church, we've already got the theme song for the Confessions box. Is there a theme song? I mean for regular Confessions boxes.

Shit, wrong thing. Sorry guys. Patreon.com.com If you... Confessions feature is... Go and watch this week's Holy shit Okay Do you know We haven't done

Would You Rather for a while And I'm really enjoying it One more One more One more One more One more One more

I've got one for you Would You Rather Oh mate I've got an absolute beauty After this Okay So right Your six inches

Inside your mum And your dad's six inches inside your ass, would you rather go forward or back? Ah! Sad face. That's how I feel

every time someone sends it in. What? So, we're not going to do a would you rather. We're going to just end this section

with an email we got from an anonymous lady. She says, hello, hello. As Dan already knows, my ex-husband is an absolute throbber. Now, I can't remember what she's referencing, this lady, but I assume that she's... Does throbber mean he's an arsehole or that he's got a big dick? No, absolute arsehole. I was informed by a close friend

that my ex had joined a dodgy dating app that was aimed at finding mature women. I'm 33 and he's 44, for your information. So I joined the app, waited for him to pop up and messaged him. Instantly, he replies, we've been exchanging some rather interesting messages and photos for nearly two weeks.

I'm now pretending to be 59-year-old Debra from Southampton. I've sent him photos of his mum's tits in a bikini from a holiday we had in 2008. Leg shots from a cruise in 2010. He thinks she's hot and wants to cum on her. Debra is essentially his mom in looks personality interests etc but played beautifully by myself i'm unsure how this relationship ends at the moment but the future is unplanned does debs ghost him does debs find a new love before anything is said i'm not that bitter ex-wife i'm quite simply a bit of a cunt that's from anonymous and fuck me madam that is fantastic i've got nothing to say

it's perfect isn't it it's beautiful if you ever see on my social media that me and sam have split up and i don't think it'll ever happen, she's great and we're going well. But I will marry you. She's beautifully evil. To make your ex-husband... I've got no idea what this woman looks like, and I fancy her. Yeah. To make... Can she work when the...

I want this lady to be... Do you want to be our new office manager? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Change your name to Lynn. We need your evil. She has made, just to sum it up,

she has made her ex-husband masturbate over pictures of his ageing mum. Is she dead? The question is, who's going to ghost him first? His real mum or his fake one? Now, I think this was offered up as a confession,

but it was too perfect. I wanted... That's not a confession. There's no penance for that. That is not a confession. That is a brag. Yeah. That's a flex.

She flexed it. She doesn't want to absolve it. She just wanted out in the world. She basically was going, aren't I clever? You are. She needs to let them know. That's was going, aren't I clever? You are. She needs to let him know. That's the win, isn't it? Ooh, I don't know. Is it not more beautiful to just...

No, she never wins, really. Oh my God. Wait until his mum dies and when he's crying at her funeral, tell him then. You're so evil. The level of evil within you is... You're going to miss her, yeah? You can still wank over her though,

can't you? You dirty old fuck. Do you miss Debra? She's gone too. I reckon she hasn't won. I think it's more beautiful that she

never tells him because also what you're doing with your ex-husband then is potentially making him psycho angry. I know what to do.

You're rattling the fucking wasp nest. She knows his address, doesn't she? Just send them the full picture in the post. Just the full picture. Don't give it any context and then work it out. Or make him go to Southampton to meet her and also arrange a day out for his mum

on the same day when he gets there. It's his mum. Yeah, he'd put two and two together there, wouldn't he? Yeah. If he gets all the way to Southampton and his mum's there. I love how we're ruining it. It's already beautiful, but we're like, no, so what you should do is kill her mum, kill his mum. No, you smashed it.

Jigsaw. Joking, mate. The bits of the picture he's seen, you make big pieces of the jigsaw and then everything else is little pieces you send them a custom jigsaw that you get from hasbro.com and you put it in the post and when it gets there he'll make his jigsaw and you'll be like oh my god there's those legs there's those tits whose face is that because it's a well-known fact that if anyone sends you a jigsaw you finish it everyone that's listening 50 60 60,000 people listening and watching

you know full well of the many many jigsaws you've been sent you've finished every one pretty quickly so touche

so after this you've been you've been stitched up like a kipper maybe maybe if you think he might not do it if he's not really into jigsaws,

put a note on it saying, please make sure you finish this. It's important. I wonder what father O'Leary would... No. Just send them a picture. Just send them the pictures of you wanking over with the face on it.

Dead easy. Or tell his mum, hey, your son's wanking over you. She'll ring him and be like, hey, John, what the fuck are you doing? Wanking over me? He'll be like, I fucking haven't. And then you ring him after you know they've watched them.

When he puts the phone down, you ring him and go, I know you've just told your mum you ain't wanking over there. You were, because that picture that I sent you, it's not Brenda or Barbara or whatever her name is.

It's your ex-wife. I sent you pictures of your ma's tits. Ring your ma back and say sorry. Or just leave it because you've won. You've won. You've won. She hasn't won yet. I think leave it because you've won. You've won. You've won. She hasn't won yet. I think you should be

offering this as a service. Yeah. That's evil. To scorned women. Or men. 59 year old Deborah from Southampton. Fair dues.

That's what you're into. What's 15 years older than you about my age 44 44 does that seem old to you yeah

no if I was single I'd have no problem poking a 44 year old I didn't say that yeah the other way is that legal no

15 14 I have to wait two years yeah have to wait I mean you'd want to fucking

do it another sticky I'll just have a 15 year old have you heavy that lad

he got him in Finn Tyler's coming up next he's great break How old are you? Heavy, that lad. He got him in. Finn Taylor's coming up next. He's great. Break, Steve. You know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally.

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Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? Welcome back to the second half of today's show with me, Adam Rowe.

Me, Dan Nightingale. Producer Carl. Hello. Finley Coulibus. Hello. Stephen in the corner. Hiya. And Finn Taylor's here,

ladies and gentlemen. Hello. Hi. Thanks for coming in Thank you for having me so much How are ya? I'm here I'm here I'm up to here

I'm on edge That wasn't Full of joy No no no You know Come I've Those are the two states

You're either full of joy Or full of come I've just had a newborn So obviously you get rid of the come You go back up Those are the two states. You're either full of joy or full of cum. I've just had a newborn. So obviously you get rid of the cum, you go back up. I've had a newborn, I'm on tour, and we're buying a house. And it's just... If someone cuts me up on the road, I'm following them home. And fucking them.

Fucking them. Yeah. I'm fucking them, skinning fucking them. I'm fucking them. Yeah. I'm fucking them, skinning them back in the car. You know, I'm on edge. So the train up here was bliss, actually. Just quiet. Yeah. Quiet coach.

No. Oh, just people being grown-ups. Well, I mean, come on, lads. It's London to Runcorn. It's not bustling. London to Runcorn at lunchtime on a sun... To be fair, it's London to Liverpool. It's not the famous London to Runcorn Express.

Oh, I got the London to Runcorn Express. First class. Steam. It's all for you. Steam coming everywhere. Newborn baby. Tour. Newborn baby. Tour. Newborn baby.

Tour. Where can we get tour tickets from? We'll put them on Taylor.com. On Taylor.com. Keep it simple. Keep it simple. For the morons. Yeah.

Say no to touts. Not that anyone's touting them. No one's touting them. Actually, touts, I really have to do some more sales if any touts want to get involved. Some of her venues have started banning

resale sites. So, when I went to that concert last week, Sam had to sort of, so she got them from the Ticketmaster resale site,

which I think is a very bullshit sort of way of doing it because it's still above face value. But it's like, we're Ticketmaster, so it's okay if we do it.

But like, if you get it from Viagogo or whatever they know that you've done it and when you scan it on the way in they just say fuck off

and you just don't get it so you basically need your ID to show that you're the person they need to change the name of the ticket over to your name and then you need

to take your own ID or you can just kill the other person and take that ID but that's fine I'm for that because it stops people setting up bots

that quickly buy 40 tickets and then try and sell them at three times the value. But who's buying tickets not off the original website? People who really want to get in. Right. Like if there's a big musician going out, like their tickets go like that.

Who's your big musician? Huh? Name a big musician. Kylie Minogue. Right, here we go. Just to get your level. Because I genuinely bought off a resale site for Kylie Minogue. I paid more than Kylie was asking to take my ex-girlfriend,

well, girlfriend at the time. I thought you were just a big Kylie Minogue fan and you were dropping that in 18 months into our relationship. Can I just tell you, I've got the big tickets, guys. I don't even know who Kylie is. What tour is this? Is this post-op? It's not what she calls it, no.

No. What operation did she have? Kylie. Yeah. Come on, man. Show some respect. Jesus Christ. I didn't know.

Australian pop. I can't remember the comedian in Manchester at the time had a thing about that. I saw an advert to see Kylie live. And then I realized I'd misread it. Fuck, I cannot remember whose bit that was. I'm so sorry. Yeah, so I paid a lot because-

She went private. The old booper tax. I saved cash. You paid for her tits. Fair play. Fair play. I paid over the odds to see the Spice Girls and then didn't end up going.

I made a profit on the tickets accidentally. You had a fucking problem then, aren't you? Yeah. No, I bought two Spice Girls and then didn't end up going. I made a profit on the tickets accidentally. You had a fucking problem then, aren't you? Yeah. I bought, no, I bought two Spice Girls tickets

from via go-go because I was like, I want to go and I'm going. And then, there's too many goes in that whole thing. From via go-go

and I wore a go-go, a go-on. And then you moved to Japan very selfishly so you couldn't come with me. Awful. My ex-girlfriend was like,

I'm not going to Spice Girls so she wouldn't go. So you went Carl first carl was your first spice girl option probably yeah 100 not your missus no okay so she was like a backup and then she said no so i was like right we can't go so i need to go back on via go go and get these tickets gone i gotta go wake me up go jenny go go go but yeah I bought them for like 240 quid each and like they gave me 270 quid

because I when I went back to them I was like you can sell them on for me and they made a profit on it which meant I got a profit

okay no name I didn't set the price I was just like get rid of them have you ever bought from a tout though because I've never

I've never actually done that have you bought from a tout before only for footy I'm just too scared that I'm going to get ripped off. I'm literally going to spend 100 quid on bus tickets. It's that thing where you're walking outside the ground and they come to you,

and it's the same thing when I have a builder around. I just go, I'm too middle class for this interaction. I bought my ticket already. What are the rules? Sorry. Leave me alone. Yeah. The fact that you need to do this

Makes me mistrust you Yeah I just also feel like It's going to be a sting operation And I'm going to go Yeah alright And then police are going to Flood and handcuff

What are you buying tickets for? What? Peterfile party Eh? Peterfile party Karl just did an example Of something that would be awful to buy tickets for. But weirdly, sold out enough that touts have...

Yeah, yeah. V-Go-Go don't deal with pedophile party ticket sales. They've just got some rules in place. Are you saying you're worried it's going to be a sting because you're buying above face value tickets just for anything? That's what they do, isn't it? The police, they try and arrest people who are... Ticket touting.

Yeah. Yeah, but not like the person buying them. Not the buyer. You're not going to do that. I'm above this world of crime. I've come up here from London. I play by the rules, all right? I bought an off-peak ticket and I got an off-peak train.

You came on the Runcorn Express with me and the other Runcorns and London businessmen. I'm not walking around Houston looking for people in shady trench coats giving me a fucking tout for this train. All right? Have you never tried

to get on a train with a ticket that you have not got? No, I'm just, I'm just not, I've got on, I've not got trains

that I'm meant to be on just because someone, I just realised I didn't want to do that gig in fucking Southport and I, on the booker, it's like,

I was like, oh, the trains, the lines booker it's like oh i was like oh the train the lines are it's not they're fine there's oh the you know the standing by the board at euston it's oh it's chaos it's chaos here you know making it over and i'm like oh they've sent the platform and it's like oh you can you can get if you get this train you'll get it and i was like yeah no oh it's gone i just watched i could have got it and i just watched the train to southport the southport express london to southport those are the two lines no does it start in paris is it paris the southport and i know exactly which promoter you're talking about yeah and he definitely doesn't listen to this um yeah that's a brutal one when the journey's too far and the gig was put in too long ago.

Yeah. Because a gig in October, when you're in April and you're like, well, here's the email. October is, I think, let me, from April, it's a million years away. I'll just say yes because I like money and then it gets closer. You see that blank space and you go, well, my self-esteem, I need to fill that space. And then you get there and you're really busy.

You go, I'm not fucking doing that. Southport. Yeah. It really sticks out, doesn't it? Yeah. North London, North London. space and then you get there and you're really busy you go i'm not fucking doing that southport yeah it really sticks out doesn't it like north london north london hammersmith southport yeah yeah and the the busier you get and the more financial freedom you get from having success in comedy where you start doing more tv work or your podcast does all right you're just like i just don't want to do that gig ever again and i'm just never gonna yeah i've definitely like do you know when i was a lot more skinned or like even now i would still try and do it i'm so alien so you're like no i got this ticket and that's the trainer again there's after which we've experienced recently after 3 p.m in london until 8 p.m you

can't get home unless you've got a peak time ticket and I've it's like three times more expensive it's insane it's like 300 quid on the day for a one way ticket from London to Liverpool and I've tried

to play stupid as if no one's ever tried that before and the guy like checking the tickets is just looking at you like I know I've been like

yeah mate here is my ticket put me off that I have purchased and I am going to- Good afternoon, sir! No, don't, don't. Not one bit of like lack of confidence.

Hello! Inspector. How stupid did you play it though? I think that's- I was like, yeah, mate, this is my ticket for that train right there. How are you? How's the family? Kids okay?

How's your mum? A mild level of threat going in there. That's my train. How are your kids? Do you level of threat going in there. That's my tro. How are your kids? Do you know where they are right now? Where are your kids right now? I'm getting on that tro. You love those kids, don't you?

Because I buy tickets to paedophile parties. Remember that. And they look at you like, this isn't a ticket. And I go, off peak. It's peak now. Oh,

the time. Sorry, are you going, are you going a bit foreign there? Just to try and back out. Oh, the off peak dream. French,

French, French. Because you said Paris. Oh, I do not know what the off peak peakak-peak is but my mother is dying and I have to get back to Liverpool

to see her please let me on the train the guy's asking for tickets this guy's definitely French he's wearing a Liverpool away kit and he's trying to get a fucking train to Liverpool and he's wearing Reebok classic but he screams Parisian to me.

Oh my God, I do not understand. I am the cousin of Florence Cinema Pongole. That is why I support the Liverpool or Florence. You don't even believe it yourself I laughed at the thoughts of someone from France calling him or Florence does it ever work? do they ever let you on?

no never there was one time I managed to get on because there was no barrier and no check and I got on at like 5 past 4 coming back to Liverpool and then the conductor come round and he check and I got on at like five past four coming back to Liverpool and then the conductor come

round and he was like that's an off peak ticket that lad he's got to upgrade to a peak ticket it's going to be a few hundred quid and I went mate

I'll just get off at the next station because I haven't got it this was about seven years ago or whatever I was like I haven't got it so

I'll just get off at Stafford and he went oh lad just stay there and he just fucked off yeah why not doesn't hurt him does it

no he hasn't got a fucking quota unless like there's going to be an inspector getting on for the inspector

yeah which happens sometimes they check that he's checked everyone do you not reckon he goes home

and he just closed the door and he's just like shit my job it's like his kids don't respect him

his wife's fucking the bus driver or something yeah takes it on with him daddy daddy Shit my job. It's like his kids don't respect him. His wife's fucking the bus driver or something. Takes it on with him. Daddy, daddy, did you make everyone upgrade today? It was off peak. You failed us again, daddy. This is why Christmas is a shit. Christmas is a shit because he didn't make everyone upgrade. Do you think they're on commission?

If you're going to be a good trade inspector, every French scouser needs to pay. I don't know. If they were on commission, I'd understand it. Do you know what I mean? If they got a commission

on the fee that their tickets cost. Oh no, that's a rat though, isn't it? No, but you'd get it then because then that's their job. But their job and their life is affected nil by making me pay the traffic wardens have quotas what you're saying is all traffic all rail inspectors should be dead sound and let everyone do what the fuck they want and that's obviously doesn't work like that does it so like you can take your your individual oh well you sound with me but if he does that with

everyone the fucking train's an absolute riot, isn't it? This is why you get the train on your fucking ticket, Max. Show some respect to Avanti or whatever fucking operator you use. Whatever made up, painted over the Virgin Rail fucking bullshit company name. Avanti. Makes me think of Peter Kay every time.

Do you ever drive? Because my perception of London, no one has a car. I'm driving everywhere. Right. Yeah. Right. How's the petrol shit been?

Because up north, we are literally bathing our children in petrol for a laugh. Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just going on tour and just filling up in fucking- Southport! Shrewsbury or whatever and then coming back.

And it's, yeah, it's mental. But I have a theory because I'm a new father and really at this point, you're just, you're looking for reasons to leave the house. Oh, 100%.

Yeah. I mean, that's, you know, the dog is such a blessing because friends of mine have had kids who don't have a dog. They're just fucking, they're looking through their store cupboards like, I've got to go to the shop.

We're out of Star Anise. You know, they're looking for any, any excuse to get out of the house. And I don't think it's a fuel crisis. I think it's just a bunch of new dads that are like, I've got to fill up, honey. The tank's full. You never know.

Sitting on a forecourt for three hours rather than listen to that hell how's your dog doing absolutely fucking knackered shin split dog's broken the dog's taking the new baby the hardest but uh yeah man brutal you're feeling the sleep deprivation. Because these don't give me any... Like, I've been through having a kid recently. I've been through childbirth. Hey, it's 2021. Yes.

God knows what people are doing now. I was actually in the room this time. And they gave me no fucking sympathy. A little bit here and there. But you were pretty like, get with it but it's you're feeling it are you still in the blast zone of like the well we had a weird ex i mean because she was so premature everyone's fine now but um she's seven weeks premature so you have like seven weeks in the neonatal unit oh wow and then you get home and then it starts but you've had this like

you know run up and the neonatal unit some of the other mothers fucking hell they were the most stressful thing as the other you know you know because the newborn baby's in intensive care oh it's fucking crying they're just getting the tube out oh fuck hang on mate what they can do now in i mean my daughter was born 33 weeks and is like that's fine that's seven weeks early there were kids in there like 25 there was a kid that was born 19 weeks before any genitalia was developed. And they then watched this penis blossom in an incubator.

Like Cress. I took a fucking time lapse of it. Put David Attenborough over the top of it. And weirdly, Facebook wouldn't let me post it. Anyway, that's another conversation but you need to host a party but uh really ticketed yes yes that's the thing about jeffrey epstein he knew how to sell tickets but um anyway the uh no it's a thing right 90 19 weeks is frightening yeah i mean we were the thing you don't you know obviously it's intense. 19 weeks is frightening. Yeah, I mean, we were...

The thing you don't... You know, obviously it's intense and there's loads of shit. It's different. But the thing I didn't realise is that so she's born before she can suckle. The kind of Maggie Simpson... She can't do that.

So she's fed through a tube for the first two weeks, but she needs milk. And so like a few hours after the operation, my wife's like in, you know, she's had a C-section or whatever. And the midwife's there. needs milk and so like a few hours after the operation my wife's like in you know just had a c-section whatever and the midwife's there and she's like right baby needs milk it's a milk it's a bit early for the mum's milk production so what we're going to do you give you a syringe and you're going to get what you can and run it over to the kids and i'm the colostrum they call

it yeah i'm like i don't i'm't i'm not it's not someone else that could do this like a white it's just like you have to do it yeah i'm like i don't have to i'm not fucking doing it and she's like we're really short-staffed and i'm like fuck the tories it's brexit isn't it it's fucking no one to pick the fruit no one to drive the lorries british taxpayers gonna milk her own fucking wives i mean where's the eastern european bloke to milk your wife this is if there's a job for romanian it's this isn't it because they are that's what they're used to under communism they come back the shelves are empty hilga get in the sling you know

that's what they're used to these fuckers but uh i don't want some wise guy from kent milking my wife you know what i mean I want someone with a bit of brawn. But yeah, I had to get on with it. How did you do it? So quick tip. You want to unlearn everything you think you know about boobs. Right. None of this tickling and sort of firm grip.

Yeah. Yeah. Imagine you've just met you. You're not trying to turn it on, are you? No, but it's a different, you know, like imagine you've just met your new girlfriend's not trying to turn it on, are you? No, but it's a different, you know, like imagine you've just met your new girlfriend's father. Do you know what I mean? Kind of, you know, that's the kind of energy you want.

You want to corkscrew the ducks towards the nipple. And I tell you, I wish I was wearing squash goggles because there is a bit of splashback. Squash goggles? Yeah. That's the most offensive thing you've said so the old wife's revenge as it were just you and the eye but um yes it's hard it's hard work i had to go home and get a fucking milking stool my back was back was done in dan didn't you use your mouth dan used his mouth for this oh the midwife came

in and was like whoa why is she on all fours i was like listen you don't know my wife she bucks she rears you gotta fucking get her in a headlock whoa there you know why she got a bell around her neck listen there's a lot of mothers in this unit't want to milk the wrong fucking one that's a faux pas stay still hey oh sorry julie i didn't see you you were safe in there weren't you so my uh wife my wife my wife uh again no romanians uh she was having trouble getting her milk through which means it's just not nothing's happening

and we were on like day three like we were at home so it was it was time to go what's the baby doing at this point bottled

so she's bottled fuck off knocked out knocked out for three days so he'd been on the bottle Soon as it came out But Laura's like

I really We really need to get the milk through It's just not happening It's starting to It's starting to hurt So she was like You're going to have to help me And no one discussed

The firm handshake Like you're meeting Your new father-in-law Yeah It was just Get on my lap And give a good suck It was fucking

Oh wow Were you sucking it out And then spitting it into a bowl and then putting that into a bottle? No, it wasn't like siphoning off diesel. That's what I'm thinking. Got it. Got it. Or some of the footage of the fucking women at the pumps

with plastic bags, double-bagging petrol, slinging it, wet bag in her boot petrol bladder you deserve to die in a fireball it's a bag for life well let's see how long that life is you fucking moron no I was just sucking the milk out

oh it's good stuff that sweet apparently it cures covid no that's not true how does that help the baby I don't know but it did my skin wonders Sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently it kills COVID. No, that's not true. How does that help the baby? How does that help the baby if you're- I don't know, but it did my skin wonders.

Look at it, it's glowing. It wasn't for, I wasn't like then spit it, I wasn't baby birding it into the baby. Talk about the middle man. I'm like- So what's the point of you doing it then? Like Ticketmaster, but for my own- Express?

No, it's like getting rid of a thing. So, and then it's- Do you know, like when there's a point of you doing it then? Like Ticketmaster, but for my own... No, it's like getting rid of a thing. Do you know... Like when there's a bit of milkshake stuck in a straw. Yeah, and you blow it out. You know sometimes when you've left the toothpaste too long and it goes hard on the top, and then you need to get that little toothpaste plug. Like when you used to get milk delivered

and there was that bit of cream on the top to stop it pouring out. God, it's different up north, isn't it? Still getting milk delivered. You think they put the bit of cream the top to stop it pouring out. God, it's different up north, isn't it? Still getting milk delivered. You think they put the bit of cream on top to stop it pouring out? I'll tell you what it's like. You know cans of San Pellegrino when you've got that foil on top? That's what it's like.

That's more Southern. Peel that off. Shut up, squash goggles. So I just sucked on my wife's big old tats, and it was great fun. Yeah, it's good stuff she was like is this 10 year old and I was like

it absolutely is because I'm 40 and I could get into all sorts of kinking and that's that's the difficult thing isn't it it's really arousing

for one of you and just an absolute battle for the other oh I think doesn't it did she like it well it's a public episode isn't it

no she hated it she stated no preference she hated it came into it slapping him about it no i didn't it's good fun though i could get into it wait this is the first time we've had a a new parent on the couch i'm like i've talked to piss for a while because i think he's sort of over exaggerating how tough it is yeah but. But it's hard. Oh, yeah, it is. I mean, you know, there's a gender disparity going on. Like, I'm on an NCT WhatsApp group,

and, you know, the women are fucking blabbering away, and dads are staying pretty quiet. We're not adding much, but, you know, the women are talking about the, you know, C-section scars and fucking bleeding nipples and then one of them goes

how are the dads getting on I'm not fucking answering that yeah last night I only had seven hours sleep it was really tough glad to know other people are struggling talking about their

you know third degree tear and all that yeah yeah yeah knocking a wall through no no no one big that's the end of the lady gooch like Daniela Westbrook's nose Third degree tear and all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Knocking a wall through. No! An open plan. One big.

That's the end of the Lady Gooch. Like Daniela Westbrook's nose. She listens to this. What, with both ears, or is that just one thing as well? Phenomenal. You gotta do a lot of cocaine and you're funny to lose that bit, aren't you?

Yeah. Daniela, I know you're- Well, that's why the baby was so premature. I'm sure this isn't a good way to get it going, love. Does it completely go? No. It can though, can't go? No. It can though, can't it? No.

Yeah, it can. It's a possibility. It can be, you know, not in every case. Put it this way, it's a good time to try anal. Yeah. Because it's all anal.

It's all anal. Shaking her hands, anal. Yeah. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means. That midwife did a bad job fixing that yeah you look fine love

apart from that left eye the cuts to the NHS are really yeah where's that Romanian yeah I know there you go they stitched her up

weird is this your first by the way yeah it is the first yeah okay right congratulations muscle tough my friend

cheers man I think I'm a couple of years away from the old kids as I've said I hope you're not though I hope you're not oh no I want think I'm a couple of years away from the old kids and that, as I've said. I hope you're not, though. I hope you're not. Oh, no, I want you to be a couple of years.

I want my kids to be older. Is that what the court said? You've got to stay two years. Many childs. Two years, I'm allowed to see them. Two years distance. But I just, I know this is an arrogant thing to say.

I just feel like it's going to be a walk in the park. It's just, and it's not like the worst, it's just the sleep deprivation. But I don't sleep very well anyway. Yeah, but you do sleep when you want to sleep though. Yeah. Eventually, you, yeah. Will you be getting up to do the stuff? 3am,

you're getting up. I'll probably be playing FIFA anyway. Oh yeah. Great. I should play more FIFA, that would make it easier. My wife's always at me like, Dan, come on, play FIFA. Help out. The career mode's not been picked up for years. Why are dads so selfish?

They just won't play FIFA enough. The baby is brimming with milk, too full of anything but FIFA. You've not given your player a new haircut in three months. Get off your ass ass get your priorities in order um no i mean look we all we all think it's gonna be a walk in the park i mean it's just you can't take a break you can't walk away from it i mean the other night i mean that's not true i did i went i put the baby down just went and sat in the car listened to five live

for an hour but uh but you you yeah so you're not meant to you're not meant to do that you're not meant to just leave but you can i've started enjoying a little sit in the car you know oh that's great like you know when you get back from being somewhere yeah i just sit in the car for a bit do you know do you know what since i had a kid you know on google maps when it says um oh do you go this way? It's 20 minutes slower. I never used to know who that was for. Now I do.

That's dad's going, yep. Yep, yep. Doing that. Fill up again. I'm not going to fill up again. Round and round. Oh, the warning light's back on. Fill her up.

I'm at a garage in Coventry. Look, the car's fucked. I've ran it into the ground yeah no I think those little moments where you have your little nothing wrong with that nothing I love sharing my life

but I'd like a little bit bit more of it back that'd be great this is where those gigs to Southport start coming in handy don't they hey

that's why I'm here that was the post pandemic when you're like before the pandemic I was like oh fucking too-pandemic when you were like, oh, before the pandemic, I was like, oh, fucking too many gigs. And then afterwards, you're like, yes, a gig to anywhere. Anywhere.

Yeah. Just to Five Live it. Just to Five Live. Do you think that's on the cards for us, Five Live? What? You know, Alice James and John Robbins done a brilliant job from podcasting to Five Live. I think we'd have to tone down a lot of what we do.

I think it's a fair shout. Yeah. I think we're more of a Radio 3 starter. Yeah we do. I think it's a fair show. Yeah. I think we're more of a Radio 3 starter. Yeah. I'd say it's too much even for LBC. Really?

I'm sick of people talking about Romanians and my wife's tits. We need British tit milkers. That's the point. They don't want to do it. I'm not doing that shit. Get Pavel back. Pavel. Pavel. Hashtag get Pavel back. That's what point. They don't want to do it. I'm not doing that shit. Get Pavel back.

Pavel. Pavel and Hilda. Hashtag get Pavel back. That's what I'm doing. I love those people that phone in. Those clips where they just go uber racist on the old LBC. What is LBC? Is it London?

Leading Britain's Conversation. It is London. I just thought, I just assumed it was Leading Britain's Conversain's conversation basically angry gammon chat yeah because that's what it comes across britain's conversation into the sewer that's right okay yeah it's just always but i love it i just but your man who all the clips are he just seems incredibly reasonable james o'brien james o'brien so is he their go-to guy? I think he... Because he does a very good job by the looks of it.

So he's the liberal one. Yeah. And then he's surrounded by... He's an island in just a sea. A lot of Farage. Yeah, they had Farage for a bit. There's a guy called Nick Ferrari who's just an attack dog in the morning.

He's called what? Nick Ferrari. Isn't he just? Hmm. 7 a.m. he starts. Right. And you're waking up fucking angry. You're jazzed from the minute you get up.

The news and then just loads of hate. He's still 10, then James O'Brien calms you down a bit. Okay. You can't sustain that kind of anger. So he's like the shaking at the school run. He's like the LBC's Ken Bruce, just to sort of take it down.

And then lunchtime. Who's on at lunchtime? Oh, Sheila Fogarty. She's one of yours. One of ours? Scouse, I think. Is she? Yeah.

And what's she like? She's quite calm, actually. The only thing I've seen of LBC is the clips. Yeah, same. And it's normally James O'Brien. Dealing with some fuckknuckle. It's normally just someone just shouting at him and him just very sort of condescendingly telling them

why they're a fucking idiot. That's quite clever of LBC to be like, yeah, we'll rev them up and then rev them up the other way. Instead of just, so if you've got Nick Ferrari

pressing the buttons one way. That's true. And then the other one talking them down and it's great radio. Yeah. That's very clever. To ring up one of those shows.

No, I am ringing. The wife must be like, don't do do it derek don't do it again no i am i've got lbc on speed dial for a reason i'd like a radio show where i just get to just argue the opposite opinion to anything that they ring up and say oh my god you hosting a phone in as much as I do not want to work with you on it would be so good to listen to oh I'd do it with you

I'd love to do a phone oh it'd be fucking great I originally pitched it it would be between 9 and 11 it'd be a 9 to 9 11 hour and it'd just be people ringing in

telling me what they think happened and that's the whole show every week and you refuse to deal With any of the issues Of the day That is the only

No petrol crisis chat Unless it's about To be honest The only issue I'm concerned Is when they fucking Flew planes into buildings Right right Petrol crisis

Fuck that They flew planes You're not there And now they own Newcastle Look at that They do Saudis That's tough isn't it Steve Bruce Lose the first few games And now they own Newcastle. Look at that. They do? Saudis.

That's tough, isn't it, Steve Bruce? Lose the first few games, get fucking beheaded. Christ. That's football, they say. They'd had a late equaliser. They stole a win. Uh-oh. Fucking bucket full of hands in the dressing room. I love that Steve Bruce is still in charge.

He won't be for long. He will not be there for long, no. Who are they going to replace him with? Oh, my God. Steve Bruce being executed in Saudi Arabia would be quite an unusual pay-per-view, wouldn't it? Pay-per-view? Yeah.

We'd get fucking Tyson Fury out there in a bit. Beat him to a pulp. It's on the undercard. So is that genuinely happening? Get a fucking Tyson Fury out there. Beat him to a pulp. It's on the undercard. Fury Joshua. So is that genuinely happening? The Saudi have changed the name of... They're like, no, no, it's not the government. It's Saudi Arabian Government PLC.

It's basically the government are buying Newcastle United. It's going to get confirmed today. They're going to be essentially the most powerful club on the planet. I cannot wait And people hate Mike Ashley That much They're happy That

Our regime that murders Fucking zero hours contracts And sports direct Public beheadings Ah never mind that It's fucking my What's that What's that

What's that Is Alan Shearer Giving us jip on match of the day oi bin Salman you know what you do like

hey there is just a matter of time today before you see on twitter a load of Newcastle fans with full like yeah

everything yeah outside the strawberry yeah it's definitely all of the apple now some knobheads from fenham

have wandered down there i fucking love a bit of saudi um good luck to you good luck good luck the thing will be

really spicy because you got qatar and you got saudi now i just want i want israel to buy

sunderland and then the time we're Derby is getting spicy. You've got fucking Palestinian flags on the away end. Fucking rockets. Heaven's like the Gaza Strip. Yeah. Those Sunderland ultras have fucking brought their A game this week

and the Sunderland would sell yeah it'd sell to the Israelis yeah this one the Premier League is just becoming

a fucking cold war isn't it mental yeah and it's so funny how the fans just are like it doesn't matter

I mean I'm a Chelsea fan I don't care about any of it about Abramovich do you love him he's got blood in his hands but fuck it I don't care it's my

you know I've supported Chelsea when I was a child so it's my childhood I can't like I can't academically not you know it's like it's like Michael Jackson

it doesn't it's too good the music I don't you know yeah I can't he was definitely a wrong one but beat it's like it's like um michael jackson it doesn't it's too good the music i don't you know yeah i can't he was definitely a wrong gun but beat it's a classic well yeah and also he you know he bought the right tickets to those those kids parties oh yeah he wasn't going through touts face value children's party hey he hosted them let's be honest he bought a fucking he bought like a

not a circus theme park he's just got his house as a theme yeah yeah yeah i mean there were a few red flags yeah but uh yeah not abramovich michael jackson i know all right now i knew what was going on okay i thought you said who no i was about to ask you who owns wofford no i thought you said who? No, I was about to ask you who owns Watford. No, I thought you were going to... Elton John. I thought you were saying... Who? Who's this that had a theme park? I thought it was still Elton John.

No, it's not. It's the Pozzo family. They're Italians. They own Udinese. It'd be funny if Elton John bought fucking Saudi. Bought like Riyadh. And was like, no, I'm fucking buying a city I mean Elton John's

done well he's not done by Saudi Arabia well I just love the thoughts of like all the world's leaders getting together for like a Premier League owners meeting

and Elton John happens to be there and Saudi Arabia like we don't respect your life choices you come to Riyadh I'm throwing you off a building

you understand where is Elton we need to have You come to Riyadh I'm throwing you off the building You understand Where is Elton? We need to have the EPL meeting That's right Newcastle Watford Newcastle Watford So now A real grudge match

For Newcastle They really want to beat him Poor guys Yeah Should we have a short break So I can catch my breath Do you need a break Yeah yeah

Fair do Wag wag lids Hope you're enjoying Today's patron exclusive We've got some new merch That you can see Over my boobie Is this real

This is an ad this Oh for the merch For the merch That you're wearing Get one of these ones, but when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes,

but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite

that you're wearing at the minute. We just said, don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera.

They're fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in

Have a word pod dot com If you can't read Get on me So before we do this section Dan has got some questions As always Tour dates coming up You've got Liverpool

On the 4th of November But there's still dates in Salford, Leeds, Bristol, Glasgow Sheffield All over the place Edinburgh Yeah BenTaylor.com You done London yet? No London Big one in London in Salford, Leeds, Bristol, Glasgow, Sheffield, all over the place. Edinburgh, yeah.

FinnTaylor.com. You done London yet? No, big one in London, Leicester Square Theatre, 20th of November. Great. Are you doing Saudi Arabia? Yeah.

Okay, great. Three nights in the desert. Good luck with it. They're sold out though, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. It's just me getting punched in the face by Anthony Joshua. Sounds like a great name for a special though, isn't it?

Finn Taylor, three nights in the face by Anthony Joshua. Sounds like a great name for a special though, isn't it? Finn Taylor, Three Nights in the Desert. Sounds like a 12pm Edinburgh play. Three Nights in the Desert. Three Nights with a K. Yeah. What?

Why are they there? Best joke of the show. Stand-up question. I think we should. Jack Richardson says, Eyelids. Sorry? Eyelids.

Right. I can see Finn's a big listener. Hello, gentlemen. Been binging the pod. You're in Roncorn now. Been binging the pod over the past few months, and I think I've seen nearly every public episode currently working my way through the patrons my question is when you're sitting down to write a new bit do you ever find yourself taking it back in the direction of

an old bit without even trying to or you end up doing another comedian's bit that you've heard so for example say a musician is trying to come up with a new beat they may accidentally end up making a beat that already exists i do this all the time you think he's a musician is trying to come up with a new beat. They may accidentally end up making a beat that already exists. I do this all the time. You think he's a musician. Even without being a musician, he's not a musician. I try to hum a new tune and always end up bringing it back to a tune that already exists. Keep up the good work, Jack.

So he sits there and for no reason, he's not a musician, he just tries to hum a tune that doesn't exist. He's like, I'm sick of humming other people's music. That's surely pretty easy to hum a new tune. Let's play that funky music, white boy. Proving Jack's point. And I'm not even a musician. Let me check.

No, I'm not. Oh, no, it's not. It's heartbeat. What is the question? The question is finn um when you write a new bit yeah is it do i say that humming no is it is it do you end up going back to an old bit that hasn't worked in the past or end up writing a bit like someone else's bit that already exists uh neither i try and write a new bit that's my own that doesn't exist but do you ever write a new bit and you're like oh an old an old gag will work and then i can take it that way again and well yeah or you or you start with an old gag and then you'll see you try and like two years have

passed and you've got some headspace from it and you're like oh there's a whole new angle that i've missed at the time yeah that's like upcycling your own shit isn't it basically sort of yeah and um uh but i i never really and sometimes you go back to old bits because you haven't done for ages and you're like oh i really like this joke i've literally just done that recently and it feels like you're like wow amazing i've got new stuff you're like no dickhead you've just brushed off a classic it feels new yeah i only just watched back i've i've had that i didn't have the clip or whatever but i watched back my apollo set in full and i didn't realize some of the jokes i've done there and i was like i wish i could still do those now because i really i really

like doing those um but no i don't you sitting right are you a writer or are you just a notebook or do you just it's it's basically especially now my time is so compressed because of the kid i get in the car and i have about 20 minutes when i drive to a tube station because fuck you greta and um because fuck you, Greta. And that's when I basically talk to myself in like trying to come out with a bit or a couple of jokes or tags or whatever. And then I'll try it out. And then if they give me a laugh and I've got space,

I see if I can get something else out. Talking yourself in the car makes you feel mental, but is one of the better ways to get ready to try a new bit on stage i think you have to talk it out because it i mean it sounds even if it's a joke that's like you've written down or that has to be worded correctly if you're you have to word it correctly conversationally because that's how you're going to say it yeah i can't write anything word for word we've covered our writing processes a lot but I just can't often like

someone will go oh you did that different last time I seen you I'm like yeah probably did it different the very next night

because it's just although it's got the certain bits that have to be in a certain rhythm every night's different because I want it to sound like it's the

first time I've said it there's also there's a rhythm that you read at it's different to the rhythm that you speak at yeah

and it's reading something can be funny in a rhythm that you read at that's different to the rhythm that you speak at. Yeah. And reading something can be funny in a way that saying it isn't and vice versa. Yeah. Running through something in your head,

you feel like, I've definitely got this. And then you say it out loud, you're like, wow. Yeah. I was saying this

so much better in my head. Yeah. When you actually voice something out. It's because in your head you're Cat williams i can't i don't know what cat williams sounds like but i was i was going for a

black american mentalist was that right yeah i the only way i can say in his voice and i probably can't even do that is jacksonville because of that special that he opens with where he just loads of 25 minutes at the start of his special. All ends with, and that's what it's like in Jacksonville. For 25 minutes. It's phenomenal. I think.

It goes out worldwide, and there's like one city and one state that can understand the first half of it. The balls on that guy. It's going so very well. It's Jacksonville. Are there any comics that when you watch them or gig with them, it gets your sort of creative juices flowing?

Because I watch some comics and I'm like, that's so good. It just makes me laugh like a punter. And then there's other comics who aren't any worse. There's something about some comics that gets you going. fuck i've got i want to do a bit i like i don't know just makes you want to create your own stuff sometimes you watch a comic do a do a bit about a topic and then you watch while you're watching them you get an idea for a premise and then you're sweating hoping they don't touch your premise because otherwise you've nicked it but you have thought of it yourself it's just you're sweating, hoping they don't touch your premise. 100%. Because otherwise you've nicked it. But you have thought of it yourself.

It's just that you're watching someone talk about something and just something sparks something. But I used to watch a lot of Norm Macdonald and that would always spark. I know, the best. But that would always spark. Just that would spark something.

And Sean, actually Locke as well they were both very similar yeah it's weird they died so close together isn't it but had that weird sort of just off the

just a slightly left of kilter yeah who else yeah there's definitely or I just recently I went off

stand up for a bit just watch I couldn't watch it I think I was doing so much of it but then after the pandemic I'm now I'm just especially up for a bit just watch I couldn't watch it I think I was doing so much of it but then after the pandemic I'm now I'm just especially doing night feeds

I'm just watching everything and just watching anyone do it just gets you gets you going watching anyone do it brilliantly kicks me off

like if I watch someone even it doesn't have to be a Netflix special or an Apollo set so if I'm watching someone in a club if I'm on

second or third or whatever, and I'm either following or I'm being followed by someone, and they just destroy it, I'm just like, I need to just... It's great. I just need to be a bit better because I still love it,

and I'm not jealous of them, but it makes me competitive in a quite healthy way, I think. I just want to be better. I love it when you go into, say, your closing somewhere, and then there's like there's a guy in the middle spot someone in the middle spot who just roofs it and it's really good and you've never heard of them you're like oh fuck okay i can't like oh i'll try that new bit off the top you're like oh shit you've

got a roof yeah and i really like that. I'm better on a better bill. Like, last week, the Comedy Store have a weekly gig in Manchester at the minute on a Tuesday at Fright Island. And I was closing, and there's no break between the second act and the closer. And the second act was Brennan Rees, who is a mank in Manchester,

doing the first after the break spot. Yeah, one of your best mates, and in the mood to make it to the best mate and he just squatted it and I'm sat there actually watching the match but also going I've got to

you've got to be better and you never want to be the best act on the bill really do you otherwise you're doing the wrong gigs like it's always good to be

no he always wants to be I want to be the best act on the bill but at the end you want to do the best yeah that's what I mean you want to do the best you don't want to see the line up You want to do the best. Yeah, that's what I mean. You want to do the best. You don't want to see the lineup through and go,

oh, fuck, I'm not staying and watching. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to do the best, but you don't want to be the best. Be obviously on the poster. That's what I mean. Like, what the fucks are you doing at that gig? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know exactly what you mean. Who would you pay to watch do stand-up? Don't ask me that. I'm going to lose a lot of friends. I keep seeing retweets about Ricky Gervais and it makes me go, I'd actually like to go and watch Ricky Gervais. Well, I was going to say Sean McLaughlin,

who's his opener. So you want to go and see? Yeah. Because I mean, I haven't watched any of Ricky Gervais' stuff apart from the first two hours he did back in the day. Animals and Politics yeah

which were great I just haven't got around to watching the other stuff but Sean McLaughlin his opener is a good friend of mine and I think one of the most criminally underrated

yeah and he's phenomenal comic he's very very very very good he can make stuff that's really like unsexy

very funny to everyone like he did a whole show about like the dark side of Facebook and came down Hail Mary yeah and it was phenomenal

it was one of the best shows I've ever seen he's brilliant very different but Ninia Benjamin I could watch just pure filth

she's phenomenal when I say I could watch I mean I could watch for ages i don't mean i can watch them um i mean i like yeah i like bobby mayer's great which he always comes up with something you weren't you know he always surprises you with where he goes i think the american comics are the ones that always come to mind because we don't because you can't see them over here very often well yeah i want to see tim dylan i want to see schultz yeah but any anyone american who isn't super famous because if they're super famous you might want to see them anyway because they're super famous and why would you not want to go and watch someone who can sell 5 000 tickets i get that but the americans who

we know of are they must be doing something right for us to have heard of themselves yeah what was great when i did montreal and there were all these americans that us to have heard of them sort of thing. what was great, when I did Montreal and there were all these Americans that I'd never heard of but they're all phenomenal because they're just about to get to a level

where we might hear of them. They're just doing that New York circuit and rafting to the top of it or LA. Yeah, great. Were they support,

were you on a package but I'm fascinated by Montreal because we obviously know Edinburgh in and out. Oh, Montreal's great because it's just like

gigs and there's no you know no one's you don't have to put any artifice over your hour and like any kind of narrative

or like little bow you just spots you just do spots or you just do your funniest 45 minutes or your funniest hour like you would do

here on a tour theatres, clubs is it all sort of like all over the city? Yeah. And then, so I was doing the British show. It was me, Jamali, Sarah Millican, Jimmy Carr. And then I also did,

because I did the first series of Roast Battle here when they had Jeff Ross, who's the roast master. They had him on the series, but he would give you feedback he'd give everyone feedback after the battles but then they just cut him out of the final edit so jeff ross is just in the audience for all these uh records so comedy central over here decided that no one knew who jeff ross was and he wasn't necessary so but anyway he asked me to do the like the roast master the roast it's like they have a World Series.

So me and Jimmy were the British team. That's a hell of a roast, seeing that. Just did loads of roasts against people I'd never heard of. But I think I got to the semi-final because they were just... American comics are so... They're so like, I'm this identity, which for roasting is just so easy. So I was getting getting on the plane not knowing who my first opponent was and i got a thing through

saying she's a palestinian lesbian married to a jew and i was like what easy she lives in the northeast of england yeah she owns middlesbrough classic yeah um i'm not trying to think of what the jokes i did but it was three years ago or something who did you roast on the show paul chowdhury rather rather rather infamously yeah Yeah. Is this, where's this bit going out? Everywhere. Okay, fine.

Well, he, look, I don't think he, most of the roast battles in the British version, they, people know they're roasting. They know the person. And they,

maybe they write it together. Yeah. Have you guys done it? I did it with Maisie Adam and did you run no surely you've worked with Maisie before I've worked with Maisie twice

right and in the build up to it like Rose Battle had said oh we want you to do it Adam who do you know? so I was sending them people every week going Brennan Rees because we needed to have a connection

I was like well Liverpool vs Manchester and then itnan Reese, because they were like, we needed to have like a connection. I was like, well, Liverpool versus Manchester. And then it was like, this other guy and this other guy and whatever. And then they were like, it needs to be a stronger connection than this. And then I got a phone call and they're going, you've been confirmed for roast battle against that girl you've met twice.

And I was like, well, that's a bit fucking annoying. So she happened to be in my sketch on the standup sketch show. Right. And we were filming the sketch of that, like, three days after we got confirmed. So we just sat down and were like, is there anything you don't want me to talk about?

And is there anything you don't want me to talk about? And I'd already written a load of stuff by now, because you get sent, like, a fact sheet, don't you, about the person you're roasting. And sort of the most interesting thing about maisie i was told i wasn't allowed not that i'm saying maisie's not interesting but the the thing that you would go i'm gonna write about that yeah i was told you she said that i don't want that spoken about at all it's a big uh it's a big reveal in me tour don't talk about that right yeah see yeah so the point i was making is that you really sit down with them i i didn't i hadn't met paul yeah we met when we were getting mic'd up

to go on and i don't he did not he didn't know who i was it was my first my first ever tv thing so i don't think he was expecting you know he was expecting what came out um well i i think my vague line of attack was i know you can sell more tickets than me but ultimately i'm white so my life is better than yours and i had a big old list of things i can do that he can't such as running through an airport with a backpack on or whatever and um yeah he lost the battle and um and then his manager tried to stop it getting aired so i then went in and filmed another one against carl donnelly because commutational were like well we want you to be on it i think it was probably just leveraging control of the edit i think yeah but um no it was quite spicy but then i've what's great is i got to write you get when

you get to write jokes for pairs and you can just insult everyone you have to say it like i wrote after montreal i got a writing gig for um the roast of alec baldwin on kik Central. And I was doing it for Nikki Glaser. You wrote for Nikki Glaser? Brilliant comic. She's a great roaster as well. Amazing comic. But she, I don't know if any of my jokes made the edit. I know she said some of them on stage,

but I think Caitlyn Jenner was on the platform. And yeah, so the only thing she didn't want mentioned was the fact that she killed the woman with her car. And that was obviously the only thing I wrote jokes about. So the American roast, you get to just rip the shit out of the whole panel. Yeah, because they come up. And then the person.

Yeah, they come up and they go, oh, Caitlyn Jenner is here. And then you say, oh, she's an inspiration to men who want to be boys, boys who want to be girls, and old middle-aged women who want to be fucking boys who want to be girls and old middle aged women who want to be fucking tarmac that was the joke that was my

that was my joke that didn't get said but weirdly weirdly that got cut but yeah so

but they go through everyone and then they do like two or three minutes on the actual person who's being roasted because on the uk one it's basically like you versus you and then these people decide because over here it's roast battle which is what they do in the comedy store in la it's you versus you over it's the roast of dan nightingale with they did try it they did they did it over here in like the mid 2000s. Jimmy tried to get a, do you remember? When Sean Locke died, there was clips of him roasting Bruce Forsyth.

It's just that British audiences, mainstream audiences just didn't really, never really went for it. Oh, that's Bruce. It was too, yeah. It's because we hold people up in a way that's different to the US. Yeah, you've got to do that

when they're sort of like a bit of, in a bit of trouble. Got to do that, like got to roast Ant from Ant & Dec like two weeks after he crashed his car. Yeah, and why is he going to go on that? Like that's an insane, like, and no, listen,

how are the stitches? Not good? Well, guess what? You've got another gig. Have you heard of Finn Taylor? Well, he's going to ruin your week. But it's more, I think it's more that like in the us they um

they're just they're more it's more of a compliment to rip the shit out of someone it's been going on since the 50s hasn't it like over here it's just we we all think that stuff but we think it privately all very passive aggressive and so when you no one actually says it because they think you mean it and it's not but maybe it's changing with younger audiences because they love it i mean people love roast battle they do but i don't know whether it's coming back like i'm not announcing anything here but when comedy central got bought like the series i did they were the lawyers were a lot more like don't say that change that bit i got a commission retracted when comedy central got bought i did an internet i did an internet show where i just

did vox pops trying to piss different people off in the street. I fucking love that series. It's called Bullshit Bingo. Oh yeah. And we got a second series commissioned and then it got bought and they were like,

have some money and don't make any more. And I was like, oh fine. Perfect. But, that's a shame. Yeah,

but they just wanted, they just wanted to make, do reruns of Friends, which is just a shame. It's good though, isn't it, Friends? Because you know the characters and the script. Because you've watched it. Let's have a have a word.

Got to do some have a words. What did you pass it first? The script. Because I felt like it was a real left turn. So, Finn, we try and solve people's problems or just sort of enable them to have a good old whinge about something. Before we start, Keely Cookson has said, hi, long time listening, first time messaging. I need to know if you've ever had any feedback from your have a word section.

Some of the ones you've discussed, I feel like we need closure on them. I need to know whose advice they went with and what the outcome was. You had one a couple of weeks ago where a girl wrote in about her brother and how he was stalking his work colleague. Same with the girl whose boyfriend was clearly gaslighting her a couple of episodes ago, and you all told her to ditch him, which was sound advice, but I would like to know what she decided to do. Is there any way you can put in a feature and ask those that you've given advice to let you know what the outcome was? Sorry for the long message.

Keep up the good work. That's from Keely. We would. Really good suggestion, I think. Yeah, we would. I very rarely, because I do all the interaction and the have words, I very rarely get any feedback

about what sometimes I do, but particularly in those cases, if you want to just write back in and let us know if it's pod worthy, we'll air them. However, I love that Keely's like, yeah, yeah, this is all very funny, but I need to know what the fuck happened.

Nice level of control freak. But you could then start being a sort of vigilante podcast where you're hunting down people who are stalking that's another branch of the company

have a way of pedophile hunters don't give him ideas there's only so much budget Finn yeah I get like what budget do you need

for that cold cases with Adam Rowley are you joking if he becomes a pedophile hunter he becomes a paedophile hunter He'll have a paedo hunter van It'll be orange and blue

Fucking where's the paedo question mark The decal will cost 8 grand I've had to put it through You can't hunt paedos in an unbranded van Fact Are you stupid Dan? That's how it works, branding Paedo hunter branding

We've been trying to get the lads more hours What if we just get them to do it? Be the pedophiles You know what I meant I know what you mean I meant get them to hunt them Yeah I know you know that And paint the van

You wouldn't want a branded van When you're on the hunt though would you? Yeah that's actually You want a camouflage van No double bluff Get a bell Like an ice cream van Looking for pedos Pedos when you're on the hunt though, would you? Yeah, that's actually, yeah, you want a camouflage van? No, double bluff. Get a bell, like an ice cream van. Looking for pedos, pedos.

Let them play a little song. Like the scrap metal fella. Yeah. Pedos. Bring your pedos out. Go and get your pedos out. Graeme, get out of the garage. And he can have that radiator.

What would be the song to get the pedos out? What? Who Let the Pedos out by the bar haman the original remix I don't think it is by the bar haman I was thinking Michael Jackson

no no it's not it's me the first time I've heard girls girls girls girls and boys er

Dan Johnson says young lad called Daniel Johnson emailing for the first time I don't give a shit he sends such good emails. Hiya, lads.

Quick one, but a straight up one. Have a word. Please could you have a word with people who do fun shit for charity and want you to pay for it? Jamie in the office is doing a skydive for charity and would appreciate

if everyone gave a donation. Then in brackets, it says something stupid like recommended donation, 20 pounds. Insanity. The only way I'd ever agree to pay that is if it came with a guarantee

they would do it with a broken parachute. Are they good people for making money for charity or are they, as I believe, total bellends who deserve to be shat on by a bird? Nice one, Dan J. So, he wants us to have a word with the very conspicuous, I'm doing something for charity, guys.

It's annoying because they often don't have a correlation. You know, you think, oh, I'm running the London Marathon dressed as a Yorkshire pudding to raise money for cancer research. You think, well, it only makes sense if someone you know is having chemo dressed as a Yorkshire pudding. Do you know what I mean? It's got no link otherwise. If they're fucking there, big old thing, tube going in.

Wasting away in the middle of this big pudding costume. Fair point. Do you know what I mean? You want a correlation a correlation you want a link yeah if you if you're running for cancer research lose some fucking weight before you get on the field yeah so like raising money for someone who like i don't know fell out of a helicopter or something so you're doing like a sponsored bounce at a parachute place a trampoline place you want it to you want it to marry up well yeah okay so like a diabetes i'd like so the worst thing i could terrible examples by me by the way diabetes i just in was like, come on, Dan, you can do it.

I'm a fucking idiot. Sorry. Finn gave you a good line. What? For the diabetes one. Run it on one leg. There you go. Thank you.

There you go. Team on tour in Liverpool in November, is that? What's in November? So the worst thing I could possibly... I think if you're gonna do something for charity it has to be something you really

don't wanna do that's why you're raising money it's gotta be I'll do this if you sort that charity out so

the worst thing I could ever do for me is a skydive I fucking do not wanna do it really I don't wanna kill anyone

I'd rather kill someone really than do a skydive for charity. Yeah. So you're going to do a sponsored not killing anyone. I do a sponsored murder. Yeah, yeah.

A sponsored murder. Yeah. Just to raise money for murder victims. Finn, I'm telling you right now, I'll give you 20 quid. Yeah. Name your target. Yeah.

I wonder at what point that becomes like the right thing to do like let's say they go right we've got all these kids who are dying it cost us

underground each to save them if he raises two underground and then just kills one kid he's in profit of kids lives

yeah I love your reasoning when did you join the conservative party isn't that more socialist for the many I love your reasoning. When did you join the Conservative Party? Isn't that more socialist? For the many, not the few. It's a good point.

Save the many, kill the few. So would you kill one child to save ten? Yeah. Yeah. Would you explain it to them? Tricky chatting it. I'd probably not do that on a podcast you'd do it with a children's book

wouldn't you why are you why are you why are you explaining it to them fucking back of the head before they die but why is it my dad to die

that's why you're getting shot in the head John John John John the ill child John baby no this child's not ill oh what you kill a well I suppose it's better to kill a sick one I suppose yeah better John the ill child. John baby. This child's not ill. Oh, what?

Well, I suppose it's better to kill a sick one. Better? This is better. Anyway, you don't like skydiving. Thanks, Finn. Do you want a job as a producer? Yeah, so that would be the worst thing I could do. So yeah, that would be...

But I do think some people just really want to go skydiving. Oh, you're absolutely spot on. And then they go, oh, I'll do it for... I'm going to do a Tough Mudder because I want to be doing a Tough Mudder, but I'm going to do it for charity. Yeah. But then again, they are just raising money for charity,

aren't they, at the end of the day? So what would you do? Like, what's the worst thing you can think of? I would do... Like, for you? If someone's mum fell out of a helicopter, i would do like for you if someone's mom fell out of a helicopter i would do a sponsored trampoline anyone i just thought it worth a second go and it turns out it's still shit the second time the thing is it's just you have you

have to do something because people giving to charity just doing it people don't do it do they well they do they don't do it in large amounts yeah so you have to do something wacky to make it interesting i think adam's got a point it should be something unenjoyable because you know all those people running the marathon they love jogging yeah does it have to be unenjoyable let's get the money either way yeah no it should be you're making punish why why what difference does it? Because you're paying for someone to go through... You're not paying them. You're still giving to charity.

Yeah. But they could just give to charity anyway. Yeah, but they can't just ask you to give money to them to give to charity. Exactly. So it should be something unenjoyable. A charity public arse fisting. Yeah, it's the public. It's the worst bit.

I mean, I do that shit privately. I don't need no sponsor. I mean, I do that shit privately. I don't need no sponsor. I mean, I'm a Watford fan. It's every home game. Middle of Liverpool. Just getting right in the arse. Middle of Liverpool. And there's just an app next to you.

You put a bit of... Liverpool won. Just near the Nandos. They've got that little amphitheatre bit. Albert Dock. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lost its heritage site, so fucking put an arse fist in competition. That'll get it back. one just near the nandos they've got that little amphitheater bit uh albert dock oh yeah yeah lost its heritage site so fucking put an arse fisting competition in that'll get it that'll get it back what you can take or you can give yeah it's actually progressively bigger hands

fucking those uh ice hockey fingers arse fisting competition and then look all I'm saying is I don't want to be publicly arse fisted so you're gonna you're gonna have to give some money to save the spotted owl

if you want that to happen I think there's a lot of Everton fans could really do some good for charity once you announce this the whole of Goodison will be abuzz with

not fisting his arse what not fisting your arse you'd love to do that no but they but they'd give them money to make it happen Carl yeah and the point is

you're not enjoying it you're doing it for charity I'm paying not to fist his arse there you go so you're a double charity money because they're paying for you to do the fisting I don't like this right now

you've got to pay you've got to pay more to not do it yeah and the only winner here is the sick kids of Liverpool there you go I mean one of them's dead

also when you're like I don, one of them's dead. Also, when you're like, I don't want a present for my birthday. I just want you to donate to this charity. I was like, I was giving you fuck all, mate. I don't know. I agree with Dan. Yeah.

What was the last thing you did for charity? Oh, probably a gig where I did new material. That's the weird thing is when comics do charity gigs they always do new stuff which is bizarre isn't it because that's like freddie mercury coming out at live with a fucking tuber and going see if this works it's so shitty wouldn't be as legendary if he'd come out with the notebook. Yeah, exactly. Do Radio Gaga. Never mind that.

I'm not getting paid. Is this the... All right. You ever donate for charity, though? Exactly. Not gigs, though. Exactly like Finn. I'm like,

would you give up your Wednesday evening to come and do a charity night at the Frog and you're like really magnanimous? I would. I will. I did a sponsored silence when i was in um probably year five of primary school i tried i think i raised about six quid and lasted 25 minutes it's a complete fucking failure just was an attention seeking little shit and i want to take in a science saying i'm on a sponsored silence and the teacher's like little fucking bellend

and tried to let me do it and I still fucked it up about 25 minutes and it was like ah it's boring isn't it fuck Africa in that voice

cigarette fuck Africa fucking hell sponsored silence gonna be a podcaster one day fuck your ass have you had one have you done anything for charity?

I don't think you have Except for gigs Done a few gigs Yeah It's a comedian No no I have done some gigs That I'd have done anyway Did a sponsored unicycle ride

Oh yeah Yeah When was that? Brighton to Dundee it was When was that? Brighton to Dundee Yeah Alright

Had to get the unicycle down to Brighton on the train Not a unicycle. Penny Farthing. Oh, Penny Farthing. I was about to go bullshit. I'd love to see you try and get on a Penny Farthing for charity. Especially after being publicly fisted. That's a big climb.

Oh, that's two separate days. Was that a Penny Farthing? Fuck off. Stop trying to make your bullshit believable. Cal, two seconds. Was it a penny farthing?

It wasn't. It was a skateboard, wasn't it? I signed up to Tough Mother for Charity. We did Tough Mother for Charity, me and today.

I signed up to Tough Mother for Charity and then raised a load of money and then didn't do it. There you go. That's it. I remember that mr mr where's the charity money they got the money right i collected the money and then didn't do that that is the most altruistic thing i've ever heard because he's not he's not trying to get everyone going oh wow you did a tough mother I want to

I don't want I don't want to get in shape I just want you know to help fucking leukemia or whatever yeah superb how much did you raise

a few grand wow it was a group that's like Smith and Blair yeah that's a lot of shareholders that aren't very happy asking for the money back

yeah that's the thing isn't it they wouldn't they can't ask for it back yeah i'm not doing something oh we're giving me fucking 200 quid right unplug the dialysis sorry mate he didn't do it i know your minutes from fader. Unplug it. One more. Wag wag you legends. Not sure if you should have a word with me or my missus

but hey ho. I've got two kids under 18 months and since the second since the second was born penetrative sex is happening a little less often. Yeah. Which is understandable as it's only a few weeks since birth, eight weeks since

birth, sorry. However, she appears to be highly motivated to smoke a de donut with de face. Smoke a donut? Bumhole. Smoke a de bumhole. Lickers bumhole. Oh, okay. Right. So, do you want to know the title of the

email? Because I make up the title. How much rimming is too much? That's what I've called this. Smokity donut witty face. I'm sure you think that's great. But it's at the point where she rarely wants sex. She would rather just... What?

On the back She would rather just put me in a specified position On your side Like she's changing the baby's nappy She would rather put me in a specified position You never get on your side to get your bum all licked I'm just being silly Adam Stop ruining my buzz Put me in a specified position.

Thanks for telling us that you never get a side rim. Fucking amateur. And rim me until I'm done. She's done or he's done? Until he's done. She's done. Can you rim someone? To completion.

Yeah. Thanks, Finn. Someone's been on the London to Runcorn Direct. Those businessmen don't fuck about. I have been rimmed by a children's TV presenter that I can't name, obviously. How old were you? Let's just say that he did fix it.

Can you tell us the show uh i don't watch uh i don't watch it so i don't know but she's gone on to great things but uh no i've had a few i've had a few i i don't think you can ever do too much i think it's especially you know i'm in that period of in the immediate after yeah it's a weird time of course life yeah the shower's getting a lot of it at the moment yeah from my end but um that's the weird thing expecting your second with the plug hole yeah that's the weird thing is that like you know you ejaculate and you know 90 time 90 of the time it's just to de-stress maybe five percent of the time it's just to de-stress. Maybe 5% of the time it's because you want to do it. And then, you know, 0.1% has created a human. It's a bit of a head fuck, isn't it?

Yeah. Anyway, what was my point? Oh, rimming. Yeah. No. I remember the first time I was rimmed, she was Scottish, obviously. You know?

When you're fucking, when you're starting the day with a bad haggis yeah and ourselves are fucking uh five a day in it um could you still feel the taste of iron brew on her tongue she's got to get her vitamin somehow not getting much sunlight up there or up there but no i i you know i think it's i think you find something that just takes the edge off that first eight weeks i mean my question is where's the baby it's uh you're not meant to leave you're not meant to leave um because you know having sex with a baby in a moses basket next to you is sort of a kind of in a weird way kind of a beautiful thing but ripping ripping your husband i don't know that feels weird she sounds like an absolute trooper she's like obviously i'm eight weeks

postpartum and that comes with as we discussed earlier there there's a lot going on. But she's like, obviously. She's probably got a Westbrook, by the way. I'm not just going to send you to the spare room. You know, I'm a trooper. That's what she calls her arsehole. Get on the couch, love. Why straight to women? There's other things she can do.

Maybe she likes doing it. But the breasts are out of action as well because that's the thing is that when you're a woman who's breastfeeding they're not they're not sexual when you're when you're breastfeeding oh my god so and then i beg to differ for the woman i mean okay but then there's that's out of you know you've got two demilitarized zones and then the only fucking active trench is the uh yeah trench but then not you it's not usually his trench anyway can we finish the email at first at first it was great uh um sorry at first it was great but someday she has done it twice and it's starting to just become a bit strange to add that we were having conventional sex last night

and halfway through, she says, would I ever do pegging? I'm open-minded, but I draw the line at anything going in the bum bum. Shall I be a warrior and take one for the team or shall I put a stop to this backdoor voyage and talk to her about it? I feel like instead of asking to peg me, she's built me up by

rig rimming me all the time that's from anonymous obviously no so so we've talked about pegging a lot but postpartum this seems to be she's and he's allowed to draw that line just because you want your windows clean it doesn't mean you want to break through them uh don't really think i can top that Chef's kiss Don't really think I can top that Has the second kid Turned her lesbian? What?

Does that ever happen? She sounds like she wants to get active Doesn't she with other Just enjoy it Twice a day as well Brush your teeth While she's doing it Two babes one stone

Yeah do it Do it before you brush your teeth Add it into your routine Yeah Bit of porridge What's the position as well? Is it all fours? while she's doing it. Two beards, one stone. Yeah, do it before you brush your teeth. Add it into your routine. Yeah. Bit of porridge. What's the position as well? Is it all fours? He's on his back

with his legs. Like that picture of... No, I know what it is, but I'm trying to work out what his face is. Oh, no. He's got to be in a different position. Oh, yeah.

He's got to be in a different position than that. That's too much like a nappy change, isn't it? Legs in the air, wet wipe. Have you ever been rimmed? Find out on Patreon. Do you know what your legs...

Because on your side, what you said before is absolute insanity. That's a cross-stace exam. Because that closes... Never lying down for the rim-rim? All fours? Yeah, I'm lying down on me back. I'm face down in a paddling pool, the old Barrymore. You can't lick someone's ass in a swimming pool.

Barrymore? Barrymore's in your island as well. Ever had a fucking pool noodle? Wrap them round, get them floating. Fill them with armbands. And ruin a kid's party. I don't know.

Sort of a little bit. No, not really. I'm not, you know. I don't think anyone needs to have a word with anyone. I think, you know, let's not kink shame a postpartum woman. I think it's an unusual thing. I think he's every right to be like, it's freaking me out a bit, guys.

What's happening? Well, look, you know, hormones and stuff, they do all kinds of crazy shit in the first few weeks. I mean, this is the first I've heard of. Yeah. Constant bi-daily rimming. in the first few weeks. I mean, this is the first I've heard of. Yeah. Constant by daily rimming. Postnatal depression's a motherfucker.

But she got hungry. I will be suggesting it when I get home. She could be doing much, she could have much worse of a tick, let's call it, as a result of having the baby.

There's many other things she could be doing that would be a massive inconvenience for him that he would have to just accept and be like, she's just had me baby. There's many other things she could be doing that would be a massive inconvenience for him, that he would have to just accept and be like, she's just had me baby. I need to just let her be a fucking knob for a bit. My wife's not loading the dishwasher at the moment.

Not a problem. If she was having the temerity to rim me twice a day, I think I'd probably put up with it, at the very least. I think two rims a day is too much. I think once in a while you're like, oh, a bit fun. Like when you're on the 14th time in a week,

like it's clean enough. Surely you're taking Sunday off. Have some respect, God's sake. The Lord's Day, the Shabbat. I think he should just be very grateful. Especially if you're Orthodox, actually. You can't use toilet paper on Sundays, can you? Yes, you're definitely not.

Oh my God, yeah. She's helping out. Do Jews rim on Sundays. That's the name of my new podcast. It's coming out exclusively on Squawk Box. I don't know. I don't know where you post things. Kick it off.

Squawk Box. Squawk Box doing well, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, just enjoy yourself, lad, because it's not going to last forever. And I guarantee you what will happen is you'll get about nine months down the line and she won't have done it

for a couple of weeks and you'll be like left me arsehole she'll be like oh no also you're saving money on toilet paper yes by then she'll have left you

for a woman called Linda with an undercut so you'll be alright just fart once that'll put an end to it if you do want to stop you can just do that just warn me has a woman ever farted on you while you've been down there Just fart once. That'll put an end to it. If you do want to stop, you can just do that.

Just one me. Has a woman ever farted on you while you've been down there? I don't even mean on an arsehole, but like on a... Yes. A lady fart? Or a fart. A bumhole fart.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you know. It's the cost of battle, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. No war without casualties That's what Am I wearing this pink eye I think we're done aren't we I think so That's the end of this week's episode I would call that the finish There's some merch available

Haveawaypod.com It's my favourite merch we ever put out It's the only one that I actually really enjoy wearing. And this one's from Sainsbury's. Patreon.com slash havewordpod gets you early access to these episodes and it gets you a bonus episode every single week and about once a month, roughly,

where you do something else as well. You get a little bonus thing. There's secret... Oh, no, there isn't secret. Because that is secret. the secret I don't know there isn't a secret because that is secret

but there's a lot of reasons to be on the Patreon it's not just the extra episodes it's not just the discounts on merch and the early releases we're announcing

live tickets on there before anyone if anyone's like well I don't I don't care about the discounts things are being announced on Patreon and selling out

before they're even on the public episode. Sunday the 19th of December, we're going to be doing a live show in Liverpool at Hot Water Comedy Club. There's only going to be 200 tickets to be in the room and the rest is going to be on pay-per-view. That will go on sale at the end of November.

The tickets will go out to Patreons first. £10 will get priority, then £5, then £3. The 200 tickets in the room will probably sell out to the £10, I would imagine. So just make sure you sign up at patreon.com. If you want to be in the room. And if not, mark the 19th of December in your diaries for that live stream, because that will be a wild night.

We've got our guests confirmed. They're two absolute heavyweights, people you're going to love to see again. Adam's public fisting the tickets for that will be available only

on Patreons my tour goes on sale the end of October keep an eye out for that that'll go on Patreon first

as well Finn where can we find you finntaylor.com I'm on Twitter I'm on Facebook I'm not on Instagram because

never did and now it's too late but I'm my YouTube channel I'm putting loads of clips up on my YouTube channel so there you go of clips up on my YouTube channel

so there you go three out of four ain't bad check out Finn's clip at Just For Laughs and do check out his bullshit bingo

oh my god yeah series on Comedy Central because they're both fantastic the Scarlet you're a handsome bit which we watched

before you came in today that's on YouTube they cut the best bit of that, I think. But anyway. Don't watch it. Don't bother. No, please do.

Thanks for coming in. Call it. Get on me.