Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #142 with Gareth Waugh - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 18, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. lego lego i like lego yeah yeah the bricks yeah i went to a shop in um in brombray i went to a shop in brombray and they had all the lego brombray brombray and it did something like laura's like are you all

right i was like oh just like do you ever get those moments where yeah the little do you prefer little dangos i know a question you're gonna ask No Cause you're gonna Waity Do you prefer No do you prefer Like just like A load of Lego bricks Or like Do you prefer like You're building a spaceship

You're building like A Star Wars like No I want the The box and the Yeah So you wanna know What you're trying to build 100%

And I Like Yeah I don't By the way I don't build Lego. I just stood there going, fuck. I wonder if I can afford a Star Wars Atat Walker

because it was 110 quid. And I was like, am I going to buy that? The garden office does need decoration. I'm with Laura. She's going to be like, why spend 110 quid on a bit of Star Wars Lego nostalgia? And you're like, fuck you. It's my money.

I can spend it on Lego. And then I didn't buy it. But genuinely, a full wall of Lego stuff makes me go. I do that, you know, I have imaginary arguments in my head. I like, I want all of this. I like building my own shit. It means you just buy that thing. So you just get a yellow bucket of

multiple different coloured bricks. Just build my own house. And build your own thing like a lonely child. No mate. I'm buying Star wars collectibles i i want to build um a life-size hogwarts out of lego life-size life-size okay it's gonna take a while yeah and i don't think that's available in brombray on the world like i think they do have a hogwarts it'd probably be about 250 quid har Harry Potter Lego exists. It isn't life-size. You want to start your own fucking

Legoland. I'm just thinking if you build it life-size... Legoland West Derby? It's in Adam's Garden! Fucking Hogwarts! If you build it life-size, you could live in it. Carl wouldn't have to buy a house. You could just have a wing. You could just buy a house, wouldn't you? Or build a house. Does it have to be Lego? Cheaper, aren't they, I suppose? Lego bricks.

Yeah, exactly. I don't know They are by the time you get to More sustainable I don't think you're going to get contents insurance How did the burglars get in? They just sort of took off the front door bit by bit Bastards Water erodes stone though, it doesn't erode plastic

Fact I know what it is, you can't argue with that It's not biodegradable Ah Fact. And now what is it? You can't argue with that. It's not biodegradable. Yeah. Someone who would just kick your wall down though, couldn't he? No. Yeah.

No, I'll build it really thick. Yeah. Big bad Lego wolf. He'll huff and he'll plough and he'll, you know. How much do you reckon this is going to cost? I said plough. You said plough? I said it wrong.

What are you placing this up at? What? What are you placing the job? It's going to be a few hundred quid. Yeah. Adam's got no idea about costs of houses. Yeah, yeah. 10 grand, do your new house.

Eight if you do it in Lego. It's cheaper to build your own house than buy one, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I was saying before. But you're going to buy the land as well. Yeah, for those, a little bit of context. Carl was going to buy a house. Might not be happening now because it would cost 40 grand to fix the roof. I thought, for those, a little bit of context, Carl was gonna buy a house, might not be happening now because it costs 40 grand to fix the roof.

I thought, what the fuck's wrong with this roof? But that seems like a lot of money for what is essentially the house is at. Yeah, it's a Lego roof. Would you sort a Lego? Fell it off for me to build it in Lego? I'm busy building Hogwarts. All right, sorry.

After that, yeah. Yeah, but you're right, it is cheaper to buy, to build a house. You a house you can build a mansion for 40 grand right listen you've got to buy the land get planning permission and then have the expertise and builders to build the house so 40 grand might be the cost of the fucking materials have you ever seen grand designs yeah and you think they do all of that for 40 grand no this is what i was saying before right so to build a full house if you've already got the land that was three right if you've already got the land right you've already got everyone's got land right no but if you have if you've got the space to build it you could build a house for 40 grand not a very good one including the tradesman yeah and

everything you could build it for 40 grand and the finish yeah yeah how big is the house that you buy 8 bedrooms

8 bedrooms of 40 grand this is why Adam should be on Grand Designs I don't know if Channel 4 are watching I doubt they are get this cunt on Grand Designs

but not because we've been fucking nominated call it Budget Designs where Adam Rowe goes you can have your dream house for 40 grand what 8 bedrooms Adam yeah yeah yeah no problem anyway land's easy this field it's not even got crops in it the farmer doesn't want it get in there start building can i really have an eight bedroom house for 40 grand defo what i always think on grand designs is there's a

serious lack of negotiation they just get a quote and go go ahead i'd be like come on let's come around for some bolognese and we'll talk about this bolognese i make a good bolognese really yeah is that what you're taking to your property development meetings all right yeah i made this um this roof gonna cost you about 25 grand there's your quote the garlic bread's nearly done lad sit down oh i'm gone sit down with adam like uh what are we thinking of materials wise because i think bifold doors going out of the back look lovely and i think brick is traditional obviously a lot of people are building in wood have you considered lego i have a supplier in brombrough you might have heard of it it's smith's toys okay you say garlic bread yeah i can do it for five that garlic bread is worth 20 grand

no but like a bit of hospitality i'm sorry don't you i'm sorry what just happened there i dropped me i dropped it by 20 grand because the garlic bread was nice oh no he's okay yeah you'd be fucking great on grand designs and if they if negotiation doesn't wear threats they're always there do you mean oh phenomenal how much are the bricks who are you threatening who are you threatening Who are you threatening In this scenario The builder Oh threaten everyone though

Yeah Threaten everyone You'd have to threaten everyone You finish that You start fucking whinging Yeah Yeah It doesn't even look like Hogwarts

What's the point Just say to the builder Right I've bought all the bricks Build me a house now Five grand Call it quits And he'll be like no He'll be like listen lad I bought an extra brick On top bought all the bricks, build me a house now. Five grand, call it quits. And he'll be like, no. I'll be like, listen, lad,

I bought an extra brick on top of all the ones we needed for the house. And I don't mind putting it right through your fucking head. Build the house. Nice. Yeah. I think that episode... And if you're dead,

people will be looking for the murder weapon. And I'll be like, you're not going to fucking find that. It's part of my new bathroom. I think just before you get sacked, I hope Channel 4 do air it because although you won't get an eight-bedroom house out of it, it will get views, that episode, won't it?

And at this point, Adam bricked someone in the side of the head. You don't let them film you bricking them. Oh, sorry. Just threatening it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Because then people will go away from the programme and be like, oh, my God, the amount of money we've been wasting building houses without threatening people. Why don't you just buy a house? Why? just just because you get more for your money skip to the end people yeah but i don't want to live in a fucking caravan i don't know if that's way into buckingham palace just get someone else do the hard work of building it and then be like yeah it is more expensive but it's finished here's the keys see you later i don't have to threaten

to brick anyone i was thinking about that recently right buckingham palace is quite expensive, but it's finished. Here's the keys. See you later. You don't have to threaten to brick anyone. I was thinking about that recently. Buckingham Palace is quite big, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty large, yeah. And is it just the Queen that lives there now? She doesn't live there. She not? No, she lives in Windsor Castle.

It's one of the royal residences. She doesn't live in Buckingham Palace. She sometimes stays in Buckingham Palace. Her permanent residence is Windsor Castle. Buckingham Palace is her version of having a caravan in Prestaton. Yeah. No. I know what you mean. I think that's Balmoral.

Balmoral is where she... That's her caravan in Prestaton. You know, sometimes people have a flat in town. Yeah. That's Buckingham Palace. Right. So no one lives in Buckingham Palace? She stays there sometimes.

But I think there's a staff that probably live there. Right. Okay. It won't be empty at any point. Right, so no one lives in Buckingham Palace? She stays there sometimes. But I think there's a staff that probably live there. Right, okay. It won't be empty at any point. Right, but there's a few spare rooms. A few? Yeah. Yeah. Please say she should Airbnb them. I think we should be housing the homeless in there. Right. I think it should be the Queen

and then all the homeless people that want to go. Right. I just think it would solve the housing crisis for homeless people. The housing crisis? Is there any issues in that? What? Any potential issues? Having homeless people in a palace?

Yeah. I think they, no? You mean that they might steal stuff to sell it for crack? Possibly, yeah. I think the pawn shops around kensington and that bit of london would probably know what's happening though when buckingham palace has become a homeless shelter you know if you run an antiques shop ending around the palace when someone comes in yeah i've got a fucking lovely renaissance painting by rafael i need 100 quid for it you're like i wonder where you've got this

my mate dave yeah it's gonna be the queen's got so much money that they she could let them do that and then just buy it back from fucking cash conversions herself you could just go in like once a week and be like hello can i have all my stuff back please there's a few grand yeah she won't even notice oh why is it she becomes such a philanthropist for the homeless all of a sudden i just think you know she's recently suffered loss maybe she might start being a bit more charitable yeah yeah they're like that the aristocracy aren't they very very given in times of need or make it an orphanage so there's no homeless kids right are the homeless kids the way your brain works is so oversimplified.

It's like, you need a house? You buy loads of bricks. You build a house. Land, bricks, build a house. Homeless kids? Palace in there. No homeless kids. Very simple way of looking at things.

I like it. Just don't think it's happening. Do you not think the the Queen at some point might just get bored of having that much space now that she's on her own and she might just like want a flat and she might just want to sell the gaffes. Yeah, she's got to clean loads now

because I'm sure he was doing bits. Yeah. Yeah, he was well known for hoovering. He probably dried. Yeah. She'd get a good flat. Two bedrooms and she's got like a bit of space for her mates. I wonder how big her royal residence

actually is in Windsor Castle. I bet it's not like probably like four rooms because she's not very mobile is she? Liz where are you? I'm in the turret. She's you know.

She's got a walking wardrobe. Probs. Yeah. She always seems to dress quite similar doesn't she? You never see her like In what? You never see her in like a trackie.

No, you don't, do you? Even on like a Tuesday. Yeah. When she's getting dominoes in. What do you reckon she watches the telly in? Bollocker. Absolute knack, yeah. I reckon she's bollocker watching the telly.

Why does it... Tits and lips out. I am so anti-royal, it's unbelievable. But there's something whenever the queen comes up and we end up talking about

her fucking royal pom-pom within seconds like we on this podcast we cannot talk without the queen be like

do you think she sucks dick do you think she's adeno do you think she gets her flaps out and what's fucking you know the weakest link yeah

I can't she's just so old just so fucking old. Yeah, walking wardrobe, definitely. Do you reckon she wipes it on her ass? Probably bigger than your house. Oh, God, I knew it was coming. Do you reckon she wipes it on her ass?

Yeah, I do. I reckon she wants a bit of autonomy. I think... Bricks. House. Homeless. Quite humanised and all that, though, isn't't it because she's seen as like this i think she wants autonomy like it's such a silly thought the queen does a poo yeah like regularly yeah and

she wipes her ass why is that why are you finding that i always think that joan someone thinks they're like amazing and better than someone i always think think, well, she still wipes her arse. I think it levels everyone, that everyone has to wipe shit off their own arse. Do you know what I mean? Like Beyonce wipes shit off her own arse. Do you reckon she's got a bidet? Yeah.

Probably. Maybe. Yeah. I mean, she's worth millions and millions of pounds, isn't she? She has a huge staff. But... A dog. I mean she's worth millions and millions of pounds isn't she she has a huge staff but uh a dog it's massive that's so integral

to her well alright spike lad I wonder what gigging for the royal family would be like if you got booked for a private booking. How, if they were like, what one wants to do, it's this Christmas,

you know, not the royal variety, a private performance of comedians. Have a word. One hears that it's doing really well on TikTok. We should book Adam and Dan. To do a podcast? To do a podcast? No, to do a Secret Sundays at Windsor Castle.

And Josh Jones with us. Get the family round. Not fucking... Andy. That cunt Megan. Don't invite her. Harry and Megan can fuck off. But everyone else is round.

Charles, old camcams. Harry and Megan now are just like bouncing around wherever they live just like normal jack and he's jack and he's going to like the local don't worry about the gig we'll not do that we're not doing that we're doing harry and megan soz guys i've got hd ask a question like i don't care and like i'm to answer that question. Fucking prick. I think the gig will be good. All right, nice one.

Yeah, I think they're probably bouncing on wherever they live. They're in LA. They've got a big house in Bel Air, isn't it? Anyway, go for a break. There's no way they're... They're moving around with an entourage, aren't they? They're still royalty. No, they're not still royalty.

Stripped of that title. Okay, then. Well, they're not still royalty stripped of that title okay then well they're still of royal blood they've still got people who'd want to they aren't he is

sorry yeah alright fucking Piers Morgan she's not she's not of royal let's get it right she's not of royal blood no okay

she's in horrible bosses I fucking love her I think she's amazing I think stick it up their fucking arse she's stunning she's hot she's 40 she looks I think she's amazing I think stick it up their fucking arse she's stunning she's hot she's 40

she looks fucking amazing she's 40 I'm 40 I look dreadful I'm a big Meghan Markle fan I also love that I think you look better than she does

yeah alright good you're forgiven for the little family gig thank you but that whole thing of like

I've been entertained by them since they did that interview with Oprah where Harry just had the befuddled look of a ginger kid who is fucking an amazingly hot wife and is just like, she's so crazy. She's mental. And I've just got to go along with her because she's the fittest person

I've ever been allowed near. Like that interview just gave off the vibe of like, she's in charge. I'm in love with her because she's the fittest person I've ever been allowed near like that interview just gave off the vibe of like she's in charge I'm in love with her she's dead hot we're into some kinky shit and I'm scared of her so I'm on Oprah now slagging off my nana would you fuck your nana I just thought I was like because I've been there I've been in love with a crazy girl who's been like sat in his easy good and that's why your sister's a bitch and i was like yeah she's not though she's my sister but fuck me you're really good at sex all right and harry just gave off all of those those vibes in that oprah call your nana cunt call your granddad the racist yeah but they're all racist though aren't they like they're really nice i like them yeah they are dickheads and now we live in la

i think it's fucking brilliant I'm a big fan do you reckon he has to get a job now? they do have a job what are you on about? what's his job? they've got a massive deal with Netflix

doing podcasts and documentaries they've signed a huge deal I think Carl meant like working in the Amazon warehouse he's trying to keep himself busy hasn't he? yeah yeah he does

with Netflix with his big multi million pound Netflix deal does he yeah he doesn't have to deliver for Amazon he's not like a circuit comedian that lost all his gigs right you're not allowed to open hospitals in Cambridge anymore oh shit

I have to do DPD if I ever become an excommunicated royal I think I'd wear a disguise. Because people would want to stop you and that. Like we get stopped quite often because people like our podcast.

Yeah you do. Yeah. If you're a prince. I could let my dick out in Liverpool city centre and everybody would be like don't fucking look at it. It's not even worth looking at.

The only place I get recognised is on the fucking school run. Middle of Liverpool City Centre with Adam and Carl. Everyone's like, all right, there's some lads. And an old guy. These two,

every time they fucking walk out of the front door, we went to the post office in West Derby. Lads, lads, can you sign me stamp? I go in Liverpool, Liverpool City said, we're in venues. Everyone's like,

oh yeah. Adam's uncle with him. That happened in the post office last week. Every time. Oh, fuck off. I'm on the school run. I'm on the school run with my daughter

and other dads are like alright Dan I'm going to listen to the podcast and sound and to be fair I was a bit eggy about that last time

absolutely sound it's freaking Laura out I think it's entertaining that is the only place I get recognised children's parties we were sending the posters to the Patreon posters

what's all these lad these what are they all the posters he was like right we've got a podcast and he went oh what is it when i've already went oh i know yeah so yeah we did get recognized fuck off i don't think it counts as getting recognized if you have to tell them i know but what you do and what it's called oh that one yeah do you know if it gets massive do you

know if this gets like we've got like 200 million patrons and we're doing like a billion downloads a week? Right. We were trending all over the world this week. Thanks to everyone who listened to last week's episode, by the way. Chartered all over the planet. Hello, Lebanon. Shall I be root?

But would you ever consider wearing a disguise? If you were getting mobbed everywhere? I want to get recognised once. Yeah. And then I'll deal with the long-term problems of being mobbed. What would your disguise be though? If you got to that stage? Blackface.

Blackface? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'd do Chinese face. Okay. It's not as morally reprehensible how do you do chinese face well i'll get a designer to figure that out oh yeah okay yeah

i could probably give you a cheaper quote on that i could give you a adam's grand designs on that i think designer two grand to do chinese face. Well I can do it cheaper. I think with Chinese face a big part of it is the haircut. It has to be jet black. It has to look like it's stuck

to your fucking head. That's convincing because you can pull a Chinese face all you want. If you've got hair like me

people are like he's not fucking Chinese. Look at his head. I think if you shaved and you sorted that haircut People will say

that so often. You could do a phenomenal Kim jong-un I should say you did Kim Jong Il or Kim Jong on who's Kim which Kim Jong we on it's a all now is no is it ill I've seen it was on see how much weight he's lost. Oh, he has lost a bit weight, but how much fucking great Yeah, but how much how much weight is Adam lost in the last year if If he shaves, gets the fucking, like... Oh, it's un now, sorry. No, that's not.

He's dead. Oh, no, ill was a dead one. Sorry, he's dead. Oh, it was ill, now it's un. It was ill, now he's dead. Shout out Kim Jong Un. So do they have it, like, the other way around? It's his surname, Kim Jong, and then he was christened Un.

I just, yeah. It's family names names isn't it yeah they did that first yeah yeah yeah it's their version of like little Adam

Kim Jong Junior I thought that was Vincent Kim Jong Junior I think you could do a phenomenal I don't know if you're doing Halloween fancy dress

but if you shave which I know you're not going to it's a definite option yeah and our goal is nope not gonna say i'm gonna make a harry and megan joke but after i've just said i'd do blackface that is unacceptable and i won't do that joke that'd be great though if we ever like we're huge superstars we've got to move in together because it makes more sense and um yeah because that's how more money happens, doesn't it? Yeah, but we'll live in the Hogwarts.

Right. You can have your own wing. You'd never know that we live together. I think we should rent off the Queen. She's got all those spare fucking rooms. She wants nothing to do with the homeless and orphans. It's time to rent a room

for Adam and Dan. Boar. We could do a gig there, couldn't we? No! We could. Go on. No, we could for the royal there, couldn't we? No! We could. Go on. No, we could for like the royal family, like Christmas or something.

No, I'm bored of that. Shit, I do. I don't know why anyone has to ask the question. Do you want to move in together? Yeah. All right, okay. But in a big house. Can we have a podcast house

and we all just live together? That'd be good, wouldn't it? Would be good. It'd be fun. And we have like a ladies wing where the ladies do ladies things. Yeah. But we've got like- The ladies wing? What, wouldn't it? Would be good. It'd be fun. And we have like a ladies wing where the ladies do ladies things. Yeah. But we've got like-

The ladies wing? What, like a prison? Yeah. No, like a big- We have a sex worker wing as well that the ladies are never allowed in. And we're like, oh, it's just full of FIFA and stuff.

But we go in there and we pay women to suck hard dick. A sex worker wing? It's full of FIFA. So much FIFA in there. I thought you were going to say a sex offender's wing and you were going to like,

that's Dan on his own. It's going of FIFA. So much FIFA. I thought you were going to say a sex offender's wing and you were going to be like, that's Dan on his own. It's going to be great though, because when we leave the house, you've got black face on. I've got Chinese face on. Carl can just wear like a... I wear a hat. He can just wear a hat. And people will be like, is that the... No, it's not.

Hang on, because Dan's not black and Adam's not Chinese. Or Kim Jong-un. And Carl doesn't wear hats. He's thinking of the boy. I'm just I think you know we've had a a lot of growth this week as a podcast

you know and eh got some big guests coming up in the next few weeks and you know as this thing grows we've got to think about these things how are we going to deal with

being the next Beatles we swear to this though day you'd be John we think because I'm the genius behind the

door and the gobshite you'd be Paul I can't answer that right now yeah

I'd be George and Finn would be Ringo because no one's asked about Ringo and Stee would be Brian Epstein or Pete Best

footballer yeah Stee would be Brian Epstein or Pete Best footballer yeah Stee would be George Best staff or like a dog what have you got coming up for the weekend where are you working

are you not working? I'm in Runcorn tomorrow night. I was in Shrewsbury last night. It's really winding people up that because we've done our Shrewsbury on a Tuesday joke that I have a semi-regular gig on a Wednesday. It really bugs people. Because we had two listeners in last night. I can't get how weird it is.

So with the tour that's next year, it's not for another year, Liverpool has sold out and that is so amazing that Hot Water, I've sold out Hot Water on the back of this because of the support

of all the podcast listeners. They've given me an extra date so I'm now opening the tour on like the 18th of September with Hot Water and I'm finishing the tour on the 18th of September with Hot Water and I'm finishing the tour on the 20th of November at Hot Water. That feels so beautiful and amazing. One of the other shows that's going to sell out,

Birmingham and Manchester, they've already given me extra dates, they're going to sell out as well. One of the other shows that's going to sell out is Shrewsbury and I think it's almost nothing to do with the podcast. It's the only place where I've managed to sell tickets that isn't to do with the pod. Because every time I gig in Shrewsbury,

like every gig I've done recently, as you know, there's podcast listeners there. We've done thousands of people in Liverpool in the last few months because of the pods following. And in Shrewsbury, I've sold nearly 250 tickets just because I've been regularly gigging there for so long and there's so few gigs there and i'm one of the few comics that has built a bit of a following there but the the weird contrast of my life is perfectly summed up between liverpool and shrewsbury the comedy that is going to work on nearly every day of this tour

i'm a little worried that the shrewsbury, like, are going to be people going, oh, dear. Cocaine's illegal. It's so funny. Like, I riffed about, like, that night where we did coke in Liverpool. At Liverpool, and, like, how easy it was to buy it, and how easy it was you guys were making out

that I could just get it so easily. So I tried to, like, riff through that in Shrewsbury last night. Literally the crowd are like, but Dan, it's illegal. It's really quite illegal. Just so bizarre. So a big shout out to Keegan and Will who were there and stuck out like a fucking sore thumb, particularly Will.

It's such a funny thing to be the the most middle class almost countrified gig um and have podcast listeners being like oh i don't fucking know man and everyone's like no we like him it's really strange so i don't know how i'm gonna deal with that but thanks to everyone who's bought tickets for all legs of the tour you deal with it livery and shoes but i think it's gonna have to be a sort of like I'm going to have to tone it down a little bit what you do is

you go on and you do your show how you want to do it because your name's on the ticket and your name's going to be on the fucking gobo at the back of the stage you go on and you do it and those 250 middle class up their own arse fuck their nana cunts can sit there and take it because they've paid to see you and what you want to do and fuck and if it works

everywhere else and it doesn't work there fuck them no it the weird thing is fuck them the weird thing is they are totally on board as well but I just think everything we do on this podcast will literally work. Like the pod references will work in the tour. If I do pod references, if I do pod references in Shrewsbury, they'll be like, sorry, what? I think the show will work fine. But any references to the podcast,

Shrewsbury will be like, I'm sorry, what? Pod what? It was, yeah. I am, obviously the show's going to work. So what I've been thinking recently is like, obviously you sold the tickets because of the pod, but you can't do loads of in-joke. But I am going to play to the podcast listeners.

I want it to be for everyone. If you've just seen my name and gone, oh, give Stand Up a try. If you're a plus one, I want it to still work. But I'm not going to shy away from the fact that it's the pod that sold the tickets. So I am going to write the show with you lot in mind. And if Shrewsbury are like, oh, I didn't like it, that's fine.

We won't do as many tickets in Shrewsbury next time. That's all right. I hope it will. I hope they'll get it. But I am not going to shy away from the people that have helped sell this tour. I'm going to make it for this lot. I think there's a good balance to get there.

And I think the best person at doing this is Tom Segura. So if you watch, the more I listen to Segura's podcasts with Burt and with his Mrs. Christina, there's so many references that they have as regular things. And if you're a regular listener, it's a little bonus on top of the rest of the podcast but the rest of the podcast is still accessible and palatable for a casual listener yeah which i've been for a long time i'm not a big podcast listener

as as you know but then if you watch his specials there's bits that when you watch the special as a non-tom segura podcast fan you go okay he's just said that and it's funny and whatever. And then you realise that actually references, like there's a bit where he goes, sweet, on ball hog. And it's only from more recently listening to more Your Mum's House that you get what that is about. The bit's still funny. There's just another layer.

A little nod for, oh, you're a listener. Here you go then. Here's a little nod for oh you're a listener there you go then here's a little extra funny bit for you and i think that's that we've i've had a bit of a whinge a couple of times on here about people coming to stand-up shows and shouting podcast catchphrases out which still by the way no one's done that for a while now and thank you very much and it absolutely needs to stay stopped but i think us on stage giving them a couple of the little catchphrases like if you do a routine I'm doing it now

as you're saying this I know exactly what bit I'm doing it if you do a routine about someone who's pissed you off and you just go cha yeah

that's all it takes for the audience to oh that was for us that I did that bit about Laura watching porn and if you are if you're just watching you've never watched the pod before

you've never heard our references the bit is about Laura getting sometimes herself getting the laptop out, and then I act her out and I go, mum, I like that, mum, I like that. If you've never seen this pod, you'll go, oh, he's saying that, and you go, you know, like, mum, I like that. If you get this pod, you know exactly what I'm referencing.

It's not to exclude people who've not seen the pod, but it's a very nice problem to have, to be like, oh, how am I going to, but I am not just going, I know you listen to the pod, but this is just my show. This show, it's going to be with these guys in mind because I know you've built a,

you've been touring, you've built a following through clips and everything. This tour is solved for me almost entirely from the podcast. And I, yeah, we'll see how Shrewsbury, like last night is a perfect example. You know that story about getting ID'd? There's a bit in it where I start doing the Jamaican voice

and I just go, just to let you know, she was black. She wasn't just like a small white ginger woman doing a Jamaican voice, which I just think is funny because I start saying, oh, she had this amazing Jamaican accent. accent and before in the bit I sort of just got on with it just assuming that everyone was like oh she's Jamaican then it occurred to me that people might have been imagining like a white lady and then I'm like and she had a Jamaican accent I find that funny that there might be a moment where everyone's like in my head it's just a white woman going okay this is how I get through the shift at Tesco now the crowd intrudered last night liked that they laughed at it the two people who

audibly guffawed were keegan and will you can see where they went the podcast people and that's what i'm talking about i love the fact that we that's totally my sense of humor the fun in that like everyone's totally my sense of humor. The fun in that, like, everyone's imagining a white ginger lady going, okay, this is how I get through these eight hour shifts. Stop doing that, Sharon. No, this is my truth.

When I'm on the counter at Tesco, I like to add a little bit of flavor. But yeah, it was noticeable that they were like, fuck yes, this is what we love. And I'm just going to lean into that. I don't give a fuck. a fuck you absolutely should my tour is going on sale the end of the month i'm so excited i uh booked me tour support yesterday i'm very excited about who that's gonna be that's gonna be fun uh dates all over the gaff same size rooms as i did on my last tour because i'm such a outwardly i'm an optimist but i'm also sort of like let's just see how things go so there's a chance that when i put my tour on sale it just sells out because

they're small rooms considering how big this podcast is and then if that happens we might look at putting a little extension in but the the initial run of the tour is going to go on sale at the end of the month um Pretty much all the major cities. There's a couple that we haven't quite figured out yet but they might be added at a later date. But Liverpool, Leeds,

Manchester, Sheffield, Birmingham, Nottingham, London, they're all there. And if any of the venues aren't big enough, get some Lego. Just add a second, you know, room or, you know,

put a little balcony on. We can only do 400 seats in this venue. Don't worry. Get some bricks. Some Lego bricks. 600 seats. What, you can't do it?

I will bash your head in with this brick. Oh, hang on. Make it a bigger theatre or I'll smash your fucking head in. And closing off the tour, Buckingham Palace. So,

that was from before. Nah, a gig wouldn't work. What, for the Queen and that? Yeah. Like, for the Royals? Yeah, nah a gig wouldn't work what for the Queen isn't that yeah like for the Royals yeah doing a gig was stupid would that work

nah I don't I don't even want to talk about it I don't want to talk about doing a gig for the Royal Family I don't know why anyone would bring it

up as a line of banter shit what would you talk about her pussy would you roast Andrew for the risk of being shot Her pussy. Would you roast Andrew? For the risk of being shot.

I think he might be the only royal I actually like. The pedophile? The fucking... He just seems like he has a bit about him. You know why? Because he spent time on a pedo island. I'd do the pedo island and he better fucking laugh. If I do pedo island and he doesn't laugh, I'm like, come on, mate.

You definitely get it. You get the references, fuckface. Have you ever spent Christmas on Pedo Island? Let's have a little break. Can you put that button? Because you've gone back to the Pedo Island thing. Again. Wag wag lids hope you're enjoying

today's patron exclusive we've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie is this real this is an add this oh for the merch

for the merch that you're wearing get one of these ones but when you buy it get one that fits you they come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy girl starter bra.

Haveawordpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said, don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them.

Look through the camera. They're fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here.

Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com. If you can't read. Get on me. Hello, mother. Hello, father. Can we go carol singing? No.

Next. No. Yes, please. Honestly, so much I want to. In December. In December. Do you think I'll get recognised if I wear a hoodie?

Have a word hoodie. Yeah, with your own face on. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. No, but here's the thing. I only want to do 90s hip-hop. Right. I just want to...

Go on. I just want to, like, knock up people's houses and just start spitting bars. Hang on. Do you want to sing it in the style of hip-hop or do you want to do it as a carol, like, Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks Lick on these balls and suck the dick No, you want to do it as a carol like ain't put hoes and tricks lick on these balls and suck the dick i want to spit the bars with them you want to what's

my name that's all of me but doesn't matter i'm flexible yeah that was it wasn't respecting the way i was shouting the chorus yeah what's my name no diggity. Yeah. What I'm thinking is the worst part about carol singing is the songs are shit. Yeah, they are. And that's why people are like, oh, fuck off. But if we were there and we were doing a Take That remix or a mega mix of Take That, Busted, The Backstreet Boys, and Eminem. What happened to hip hop and spitting bars?

Both. You went too quick from hip hop to take that. I'd prefer Christmas carols to take that. I think we should do Nas. Nas into take that. It's take that, but what you're taking is a cap in your ass. Yeah. Like busting a cap in your ass, we call ourselves.

La-di-da-di, we likes to party. We don't cause trouble, We don't bother nobody. We're just some triggers who are on the mic. And when we rock up on the mic, we rock the mic. Right. You don't know any 90s hip hop, do you? Is that part of the problem? Is that why we got to take that that quick?

Was that out on deck? That was out on deck, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah, I actually like some Christmas carols. No no i know what you mean you could mix it up and like but i actually do what you what are some of your faves what is christmas carols uh step into christmas yeah driving home for christmas actually lloyd griffith love that chat i haven't spoken to him since i don't know any can you can you tell me some i don't uh of him since. I don't know any. Can you tell me some?

Good King Wentz last looked out on the feast of Stephen and he had some fucking scrum because he was starving. Yep, that's the one. I've never heard that before. He washed it down with Pepsi Max. They haven't sponsored this song, but if you

want to buy some, no one will but grudge you that. Good King Wentz loved a bit of Pepsi Max cherry. We've already sang the words so you've kind of got the advertising anyway without paying for it. Oh little town

of Bethlehem full of sweaty cunts. Wow. I thought you were going elsewhere there. It's very rare that cunts is a relief. It's also in the Middle East. No, it's totally.

It's very rare that when someone drops cunts, you're like, oh my God, thank fuck, that was cunts. Full of sweaty cunts Could have said something else Sure, nearly said it In the bleak midwinter In the bleak midwinter Why are they all so fucking sad?

Fingering can keep you warm Fingering can keep you warm. Fingering can keep you warm. Gnashing of a stranger. He's calm. Whose middle name is Norm. Sean? Sean. The annoyance.

I hope you clicked your face on the edit. It's like, fucking not Norm, dickhead, Sean. They're annoying. I hope you clicked your face on the edit. It's like, fucking not norm, dickhead, Sean. They all sound shite. Do you not know any Christmas carols? You're going to be a fucking good Catholic boy. No. Do you not know still? Why?

What Christmas carols did you sing? You don't do Christmas carols. Go ahead. Go ahead. Christmas is dead good. Go Ed! Go Ed! Christmas is the good. Go Ed! Go Ed! Spend two grand on the baby.

Go Ed! Go Ed! What's your ad? How can you not know Christmas carols? Go Ed's a good one. You're more Christian than me. You went to Cardinal pissing Ian in. But we don't learn the carols.

It'd be better, like, me only, I'd do Christmas songs. I'd let someone open the door and be like, It's Christmas! Once again, Christmas hits are not the same as Christmas carols. They are! Right, I'm getting old Griffith up. The only reason Christmas carols aren't Christmas hits is because back when Christmas carols were made,

there was no fucking official UK charts company. 100%. You cannot argue with that fact. If you can sing it in a church, it's a carol. What other? You can't. Sing in the Christmas. Sing in the Christmas.

We used to sing the world's greatest in church. I've told you this. I know, because you went to a dodgy church. You went to Father O'Leary. Get on me. We're doing church at the fucking... We'll do it at the Wetherspoons. Get on the spoons.

The thing is, lad, lad, lad, I'm all for God and that. But there's no bar in the fucking church. Get down the spoons. Have a little fuck. Get the kiddies in the corner. Do it on a Tuesday. Steak night.

Have you got any other scouse? Like, get on me. What? Any other scouse hymns? Scouse hymns. Go at! Go at! I'm dreaming of a white Christmas I'm talking about cocaine You all got the innuendo White box isn't that eh? You get it?

That's what people go out with Few flakes round here lad Scouse Christmas Yeah I do Listen All joking aside Do like some of the Christmas carols For some reason I can't remember any of the Christmas carols for some reason

I can't remember any of the good ones can we get up oh it's when the snowman brings the snow you fucking and I just might

like to know put a big big smile on the baby's face got a bike you got a bike and an Xbox Father O'Leary would be into that shit

good fucking quality. Ternateleon. Ternateleon. Ternateleon. This is Christmas. Christmas carols. No! Christmas carols.

We're not doing Christmases. We're doing Christmas carols. Driving home for Christmas. Jesus Christ. 30 great Christmas carols. Let's have a look at what we've got. What have we got? Are you getting hyped up for Christmas?

Oh, holy night. Oh, holy night oh holy night no i don't like that one silent night and again hark the herald angels sing Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Hark the Herald Angels Sing. Is that a footy song? Feels like it. Tyone Mings.

Or Danny Ings. Both filler plays. O come all ye faithful. Do you want to do a jizz bit? How easy? Do you want to, what? Emmanuel Adebayor. O come, O come, Emmanuel Adebayor.

O come, O come, Emmanuel, come, Emmanuel Adebayo. Oh, come, oh, come. Coventry Carol. Emmanuel. She's a plosy. Right itself. Coventry Carol. That sounds like a fucking Jamie T song, doesn't it? Sheila goes out with her mate Carol. She's, you can't play it.

Go down. We're going in. A little town of Bethlehem. Full of sweaty Cones What is that? It came upon a midnight clear Why is so many of these Jizz based?

Who's that? Once in Royal David's City Once in Royal David's City I think that was Celtic woman's thing David Bentley's city In Dulce Jubilo That sounds like a fucking Spanish summer song now

In Dulce Jubilo Pitbull's definitely Indulgi jubilo That sounds like a fucking Spanish summer song now Indulgi jubilo Indulgi Joy to the world I have come We've literally had Oh come all ye faithful No jizz jokes Joy to the world

I have come He's wedged a jizz joke in where there wasn't a jizz joke. Away in a manger. Away in a manger. No crib for a bed. His name's Arsene Wenger.

Sussex Carroll. Shepherd's pipe. What are all these? Shepherd's pipe. Next one. Gabriel's message. Anybody like Bon L? Shepherd's pipe. Next one. Gabriel's message. Anybody like Bon L'Or? Do you like football, Carl?

Jesus Christ, the apple tree. Isn't the apple tree four of them? No. That's not a Christmas girl. Jesus Christ Fucking apple trees Things your dad might say On a windy night at Christmas

Jesus Christ The fucking greenhouse has gone through as well The holly and the ivy Do you know what leaves you? When they are both full grown Of all the trees that are in the wood Carol of the Bells Cock

Dicks Ding ding See you mid the wind So Ding dong Merrily on high I do not know the word I know

Candlelight cow Don't know it Good King Wenceslas Yeah Angels from the realms of glorios first noel what sweeter music all music yeah i don't know all of them see not one of them like if any of them come on in like a fucking nightclub at christmas no one's getting excited ball no you know you're right in a nightclub at christmas oh Come, O Come, Emmanuel will not get everyone dancing.

But last Christmas, by wham! That's not the point of fucking Christmas goes. Okay. And then they spin it. And then all of a sudden, O Come, O Come, Emmanuel. No, no one's going to be dancing to that. Stay another day, though.

That comes on. Oh. Stay now. Everyone's got their arms around each other. I can't fucking wait for Christmas, you know. Stay now. Where have you got to go, baby? Oh, fair and square New York.

Don't you get killed in a boat? That was some of the most offensive singing you've ever done. 25,000 people just went, Jesus Christ, I do. Not that I'm amazing. 25, Dan. And the rest, thank you. 25,000 people just listening on the audio. Right.

I just did the audio. Forever. Water's over. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas by Ike and Tina. Are we accidentally doing the Christmas episode? I think we're just stepping to Christmas. Number 14!

I honestly think that might be number two behind Fairytale in New York, you know. Driving home for Christmas up there. No. And also a space van came travelling. It's a Christmas song. Mate, this list is dog shit, Steve. Blue Christmas.

You pulled up, mate. You're making me miss Finn. By the way, Finn's Finn by the way Finn's dead yeah Finn's dead sorry rest in peace in peace no he was two

stones coming where are we going where are we going are we going round yours for the Christmas caroling or are we picking you come round

Sorgel what's where do you want to go totally up to you Nantwich Nantwich. Nantwich.

Great. Adam's phyloflexive plate is Nantwich. Going to Nantwich. Where's that? Just outside Crewe. Why have you not heard of it? Because no one gives a fuck about Nantwich. Should we do some questions?

Absolutely. Yes please. You're getting me hyped about christmas though i love christmas you know this it's really cute that you love christmas as much as you do so there's a oh it's the fucking best time of year the weather's better yeah being hot is shit being cold is great correct well you're not cold at christmas are you because you're in you get to control your heat exactly that's exactly what exactly what I mean. Oh, yeah, totally. Being able to control. When people are like,

oh, I love the sun. You don't. You've just been told that you should. You're a fucking sheeple. No, I genuinely don't mind the heat as long as it's just me I have to navigate around because I can sort myself out.

I can find air con. I can find shade. I sleep with me dick when I was in the summer and I'm still hot. Yeah. Sefton Park. In July.

Get on me. Get on me dick. I like having me top warm and me legs cold. Laura's always on about that. It's like, as soon as it goes autumn, she's like,

oh, I like it. It's autumnal. The least attractive thing on Planeta is a man having a t-shirt on with no pants. Yeah, I know. But in the winter, I'll go out with my coat on.

Let's say I'm going around the shop at nine o'clock at night in the snow. I'll go in my flip-flops and shorts with a big fucking massive coat on and I feel perfect. Like a prostitute? Yeah. Like a street whore.

Ready to go snow's a bit too far isn't it snow's a bit of a baller because I drive places it's a fucking I like it cool snow is good

for an hour and a half and then shit for a week snow is good when you're like oh and everyone's looking out the window

it's snowing and then it's shit as soon as you need to be somewhere it's annoying isn't it I like that when it's a nice day the sun's out

but it's crisp cool can deal with? I like that when it's a nice day, the sun's out, but it's crisp, cool. I can deal with that shit. Love that. Have you got... And also, if I'm cold, the NFL's on,

so I'm all good. Have you got snow chains on your tyres? No, because I don't live in Quebec. Have you ever put snow... I'm just trying to think about Christmas presents,

that's all. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. I have an idea of your Christmas present. Oh, no. Do you remember this last year? Oh, no. This is the callback I didn't want.

Have you ever... You like headscarves, don't you? Oh. Oh, God. You listeners don't know this bit, but at Christmas, oh, the dickhead questions about what I do and don't own

and do and don't like. Look at them thinking of them now. I can hear the brain. Can you fly it? You can fly a helicopter, can't you? Shut the fuck up. You like remote-controlled tarantulas? What?

Remote-cock-controlled tarantulas? Said it wrong, though, didn't you? Remote-cock-controlled tarantula. You stick your cock in that tarantulas what remote cock control translators said it wrong though didn't you remote cock control translator you stick your cock in that tarantula remotely yeah they'll fucking move do you like novelty simpsons mugs i actually do yeah i love that i'm trying to decorate the garden office at the moment with some uh objet d'art oh it's objet d'art bric-a-brac nostalgic tat i've got a he-man i've got uh oh battle cat from he-man do you like i've got the uh stay puffed marshmallow man do you like nice banisters do you like dado rails yeah i do yeah oh i hate you gotta be honest yeah i've got no idea what a dado rail is.

Isn't that a picture rail? Oh, it's not to the middle, isn't it? I think it's the wood that goes right, you know, like in your nan's house when you were a kid. It's the middle bit. And the bit between the paint and the wallpaper because they were like the arse wallpaper

and everything. It's picture rail dado skating boards, that's right. Is anyone else thinking about dado and Eminem? Literally, I can't hear dado one more time without thinking like... My wall's got paint, I can't hear Day-Do one more time without thinking like... My wall's got paint,

I wonder why I ran out of wallpaper. Sing that on the carols. Make sure that comes out. We wish you

a Merry Christmas, lad. The paint's all run out of fucking wall, lad. And the

fucking spoons in West Derby. Any questions? Yeah. Oh, sorry. I thought you might have a few more for me.

You random cunt. Oh, it's so hard. Right. Can I just tell you? Do you like flags

of South American countries? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do. Peru. Which ones would

I not have up? I think Brazil's a bit hack if we're doing South American flags would you like Peru yeah love an Argentinian flag oh beautiful

what a beautiful blue stunning do you like ashtrays very similar to the trans flag do you like ashtrays of Peruvian cities like you know when it's like

you know if you go to like I don't know Madrid and you get that head novelty ashtray yeah is there any Peruvian cities that you know? Lima.

Have you got any other options that, yeah? Peru city. Peru city. Cusco. Cusco. That's where Cusco's coming from. He's cheating cunts with Google. No.

Little editorial note. Whenever we start the second section we go too far the questions seem so fucking redundant because Adam going do you like

novelty ashtrays from Peruvian cities and I'm like so and so says something that seems normal and boring Lyndon Bowe says shut the fuck up

I just want to know your biscuit tin situation. I'm biscuit tinless. What's your favourite colour of tea towel? Fuck my life. It's October. Mid-October. Step into Christmas, Dan.

That's eight weeks of planning. I'm going to ask you questions now and figure out what you want. On my face. Get a fucking novelty, tea towel and ashtray from Lima. Do you like a life-size cutouts of minor celebrities? Yes.

Ross Kemp. Yes. Genuinely. If you got me a life-size cutout of Ross Kemp or Fern Cotton, they're going in the garden office and it'd be fucking great. You wink at them. What? You're winking.

I think he's doing Chinese face. What? Lyndon Bowe says, eyelids, watching some Finn Taylor. So he's gone on and watched some clips of Finn Taylor's stand-up, which I recommend. And noticed a woman on the front row giving him a look. As we know, women adore a funny man.

So is it ever of putting when you're working and a lady or man or someone who identifies as a lady or man, never mind, is in the front row biting their lip, basically saying, I'll fuck you. But you have to finish your set. Not many jobs involve this. So I find it funny.

Take care. Lyndon. Have you ever been at a gig? Obviously. Pretty Sam. Because now Sam's here, you'd be like, hey,

I'm just trying to perform. No? Like, hey. Hey. Better not tell her. Put because now Sam's here you'd be like hey I'm just trying to perform no like hey hey better not tell her put your put your muff away love

have you ever been off put by a lady who's clearly given you that's just like a better applause break isn't it what then because like

at a comedy club like it's like laugh okay that's good Joe laugh and round of applause that's good, Joe. Laugh and round of applause. Very good, Joe.

Yeah, yeah. Laugh and giving you the eye. So it's like, applause, applause, break. Like, you have to stop

because there's so much stopping. And then there's fuck break, where you have to stop because someone's like, I will fuck your dick. Yeah, that's, yeah,

yeah, I love it. Yeah. And then, beyond the eye, if she fingers it, I wouldn't squirt all over the stage. That's like basically an encore. It is, isn't it?

He couldn't even swallow it himself. For the audio listeners, Adam flinched at his own bullshit. Oh, goodness. Just remember that this is a public episode. And goes out to everyone. The night I met Laura, she came with her mate Christina to the one-man show I did in Preston. And Christina is an attractive, scary woman. You know?

We've talked about these ladies before, where you're like, you have a lot about you, visually striking, sexually confident, and I fancy you, but I'm scared of you. And it's a, I like that. I'm all good. Like Anne Robinson. Like Anne Robinson.

You're watching repeats of the week and going, you scare me, but I would fuck your little ginger head off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd say, please. But I'd be like, please. So yeah, she sat in front next to Laura. Yeah.

I do. I can't get anything out today. We're not one of them episodes. It's a novelty ashtrays from Peruvian cities kind of episode she winked when he finishes wouldn't she wake when she finishes because when they get off on the program she gives them a little wink so maybe as he's getting off she's like go on yeah go and get yourself cleaned up looks more like a switch

it's where the jizz went oh god you don't have the weakest jizz hello me good eye is she having a bad eye it's because it rounds with goodbye Laura's mate was in the front row I'm getting this one story out I just want to get this one story out without talking about

tea towels and Ross Kemp and she was it's so redundant no she was she was flashing leg and mate was

yeah at you she said to so Laura was like I really fancy Dan so we go into this one it was Laura's birthday seven years ago

she was like I want to meet him and she'd gone on about like I really like him. So Christina is from the East Midlands and couldn't give a fuck about like politeness and everything. She was like,

right, we're going to fucking sort this out. Don't worry. That later that night, the way I got introduced to Laura was Christina coming over at the pub and going, right,

she fancies you. I'm fucking sick of hearing about it. So just get on with it. And then Laura went, you should just marry me or something. Is that what you said? Yeah. Yeah. That was Laura's opening. right she fancies you i'm fucking sick of hearing about it so just get on with it and then laura went you should just marry me or something is that what you said yeah yeah that was laura's opening and like a knobhead i was like in my head i was like yeah i'll just bang you and then fuck you off and seven years later she's the mother of my children she was flashing like to get your attention so christina went she they're in the front row it was really weird because two seats

away was my granddad who had to sit in the front because at the time he's like late 80s was he like so he was flashing his dick he's like don't worry don't be off put by christina's minge what about your granddad's norm and weirdly he had a colored tea towel just next to it and i was like so you know seven years later i don't want blue because it takes me back no christina started flashing thighs she had quite a short skirt on so on purpose started just hitching her skirt up and mid-show i was like i want to have sex with one of them ladies so it worked you did was she doing that on purpose yeah she went to laura i'm gonna get his attention

ah that's good that and she found the right line do you know what i mean no because i nearly fucked her and not my future wife no but like for getting attention at a comedy club without getting kicked out because if she'd have got an arsehole out she'd have been asked to leave yeah there is a line yeah there is a line i think the line is your arsehole isn't it yeah and she sat down know, you can, like, bite in your lip is fine, but going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. That is a weird heckle. Adam! Adam!

I will suck your dick! It's too far. Just a bite of like, oh, God. Adam, as a person sitting down in a comedy club, how would you display your arsehole to the person? I mean, you... It's not very subtle, is it? The arsehole to the person I mean it's been quite something today

hasn't it it's been a lot I mean if you were a lady in a skirt would you not just sort of like go for the other option of like lean back a little bit, like hit your legs up?

Shadow pum pum. Yeah. Would you? Yeah. If you were being subtle about it, I don't know how subtle you can be. I don't know if you'd bend over and go, that's my bum bum.

Like the subtlety is important. So that would be... Yeah, it is, isn't it, Adam? Calling kettle black. Adam, like, subtlety is important. Jizz all over the stage. Have you ever had it before when you were single? Have you ever had a girl that's clearly, like, into it?

Offputtingly into it no i've had i've had a few where like you could tell by the way they're looking at you they're thinking fucking hell is cock my mouth you can tell but like that didn't put me off you liked it i was just like i'll talk to her in a bit yeah yeah and more often than not I was right she was thinking oh my god this caused my mouth there's no questions there is no questions

it's too silly an episode there's no questions I It's too silly an episode. There's no questions I can ask. Should I try? Should I try and do one more? Are you attracted by performance, by the way? Both of you? Yeah.

I'm attracted by confidence. And that's performance, really, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Or power. Right. What? Confidence and power. You're attracted to power the queen what please leave the queen out of it can't talk about a 96 year old's fanny okay that i'll say one thing on

it though what about i'm more likely to fuck the queen than just a random old woman with identical face yeah that's true that is true innit because you'd be like why would you bang a 96 year old but then why would you know if you bang the queen at least it's a podcast story

yeah yeah yeah practice of power why can't we talk about the queen for six seconds without talking about

shagging it because we were already talking about shagging and the queen come up right and it wasn't the other way around what about Theresa May

when she was in power where you were like, even though she's a Tory, she is the second female Prime Minister of this great country. Whoa.

Deborah Meaden. She loves fucking Scousers as well. Eh? Yeah, maybe you've got me. I think I like power on fit women. So you like fit women, don't you? Yeah. So I like power on fit women so you like fit women don't you yeah so I'd fuck a fit prime minister

yeah if Kelly Brook was prime minister if Lucy Pinder is ever the leader of the conservatives why do you go for such outdated page 3 models by the way Kelly Brook Sam Fox is she in there as well

she's my dad's era she's a glamour model from a long time ago Sam Fox is she in there as well I'm sorry she's my dad's era of page three she's a glamour model from a long time ago are you into the power and shit like that girl boss would you like to be dominated

I genuinely no but that's different that's a dominatrix that's sexual kink stuff yeah but I mean you're talking about women that you're attracted to are you attracted to dominance

that's what it is no but power's different from dominance isn't it a powerful person I think there's a line of where the power

becomes unattractive as well like the prime minister's a bit much but like like a car park attendant no no that'd be sexy but like the owner of a small independent no that'd be sexy but like the owner

of a small independent bakery that's got a second shop what that can fuck you and give you free baps yeah yeah like Adam you don't need to queue

I've been queuing for ages for a fucking vanilla slice never mind that Adam's here is that where vanilla slice gets his name from he's not letting this go anywhere, is he?

Vanilla Slice. Do you think Vanilla Ice is named after a British custard-based pudding? It's too close to be a Christmas bag. It is close. Vanilla Slice. Sing his stuff at the Christmas carol. Can we have a break? Because this has been a special level of Art Darted

Do you want to say goodbye with Alex Winchester? Oh, beautifully done He's the new Well, I am Alex Winchester, aren't I? Oh, yeah So it's you that's got to wear it Oh, yeah

What? Keith Rivington Keith Rivington You've got to try and do Venture Liquor some time You can't make it look like Into the mic, can't hear them So you're the voice You're back off

Ladies and gents Just want to introduce A little friend that I've brought along today I'd love it if no one's seen The context of this It's, what's he called? It's my friend, the scouse What's he a hawk? Falcon

The scouse falcon Ladies and gents, it's Alex Winchester Hello Alex Why is he talking when you talk? Shut up. I've not done ventriloquism before. Hi, Alex. What's your name? Can you not talk, you fucking meth?

What's happening Tom oh sorry you can't talk yeah I've something in my throat alright sorry about that how's things Alex

you alright got an itchy arse can you get off us out yeah I really can in the sense that I've got my whole hand up your arsehole

hang on does that feel better it does lad yeah nice one erm you go in the game on Saturday er

it's early kick off innit so depends how good I'm up so we're playing Watford we are playing Watford yeah but you're a you're a Watford fan aren't you

yeah I do I quite like the Owens we should have started break McGann we should have started break Megan you know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad

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using the code WORD20. Aye? So you're a big fan of Meghan Markle, Gareth. Huge. Good. Gareth, war is here! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What is he good for?

Fuck all. Absolutely nothing. Oh, because... War. Huh? War. Oh, good God. What is he good for? Coming on podcast for free.

We pay our guests £3,000 per appearance. Yeah, but you're a mate. I can't tell you any difference. You're a mate. We're going to plug your Twitch. I'm playing you guys. You'll get the money back. Thanks for coming down, mate. thanks for having me down this is

happening more and more people are just coming to do the pod they're not like oh i'm there you're like no i just want to come on and he's walked from the train station did you walk yeah from waverley i was like fucking people are gonna call me a proclaimer here i'm such a fucking stereotype it's unbelievable it's actually 602 miles though which is really I've got to go back ah yeah travel lodge halfway

600 more yeah you walked possibly the only route that anyone could ever walk from Runcorn train station to here and went

fucking Runcorn's posh innit it's posh you could take one slight left turn and be like oh no no no no I didn't to be fair

I didn't say it was posh I said it was nicer than I expected oh okay fair enough and the bar was incredibly low you're seeing one house with like a ford focus in the drive and he was like fuck me oh nine plate though so but i was on my phone like with the google maps thing and i was like i'm gonna get fucking robbed here for this phone and then i came out and went oh no i won't I'll be fine Somebody will maybe give me a lift I don't think that's Ron Conn's vibe really It's more of like

Rather than What was that? What was that? What was that you were catching off? We are lucky with junkies In this country That they like heroin Like nobody

We are very lucky Because they're slow They're sleepy Yeah It's the sleepy drug See in Australia They're all crystal meth right and they're fucking fast and excited. My missus lived in

the outback in Australia and was like yeah they just smoke glass as they call it. Just like it's having a ciggy. It's the difference between your zombies being old sort of like heroin zombies. In World War Z. Yeah 28 days later

How can you be faster as a zombie Because I'm a motorbike Yeah crystal meth Hell of a drug Turns people into motorbikes I just got a moment of regret there That I've never tried crystal meth You're not too late

Genuinely a little bit I'm never doing it I know that for a host of reasons tried crystal meth. You're not too late. Genuinely, a little bit of me went, I'm never doing it. I know that for a host of reasons. But a bit of me was like, one time it would be good to see, fuck, Dan's really on one today.

Crystal meth is like Primark heroin, isn't it? No. Well. No, it's not. It's methamphetamine. Heroin is an opioid, isn't it?

Oh, so it's methadone? I'd say. It's like a painkiller, isn't it? Methadone's like Zoom gigs to regular stand-up. Yeah, to heroin. Methamphetamine is, isn't it just like... We all look to Carl there. What is it, Carl? Because you did a degree in pharmacy.

No, crystal meth is An upper It sounds fancy Because it's got crystal in the name So you're like Oh god Crystal meth Yeah they go Like heroin

Mental don't they Yeah They're dangerous Yeah yeah yeah Okay All I'm saying is We're very Addictive as well

We're very Yeah it is addictive Thanks Yeah Ask Frank No but what i mean is like there's not many people who do crystal meth socially that's true some people are like oh i just have coke when i'm out with the lads yeah i just have weed with me mates yeah there's not many crystal methods who are like

look i just live for the weekend yeah it's totally true they're like oh Sunday night put the pipe away it's not many dinner parties where you'll get to the end of the

dinner party and have everyone be like listen guys cheese board or crystal meth what do you want to do let's just

can we do hey can we do both yeah Jacob's cream crackers some lovely Wensleydale and a bit of crystal meth Jacob's cream crackers yeah if lovely Wensleydale, and a bit of crystal meth. Jacob's cream crackers.

Yeah, if somebody pulled out some meth, it would freak me out. What did he say? He said, Jacob's cream crackheads. And sometimes I find Carl's little one-liners annoying, but that was an absolute call to be made. It was a cracker? Oh, fuck, you know.

What is he good for? David Morgan. Absolutely nothing. Top of my goal. Oh, fuck. You know. Ah! What is he good for? David Morgan's over here. Absolutely nothing. It's half of my goal. Oh, dear. Where are you from in Scotland town? Edinburgh. Oh, I've heard of it.

I'm the only Scottish person actually from Edinburgh. There's loads of people pretend to be. Sloss pretends he's from Edinburgh, but he's from Fife. Yeah, he's from that little, he's from the gooch of Glasgow and Edinburgh, isn't he? Sort of, yeah. It's north of Edinburgh. It's real shite. There from the gooch of Glasgow and Edinburgh isn't he sort of yeah it's north of Edinburgh it's real shite so there's not a lot of us

yeah mostly English people there okay good yeah that's why it's the capital because they put the important people there okay bingo

okay well we've lost a lot of Newcastle listeners this week let's lose some fucking Scottish ones as well looking forward to do the live show in Sunderland that we are capable of doing now that we had a clip about Newcastle United

go fucking mental I can't believe anyone got upset by it we weren't taking a piss out of Newcastle we're taking a piss out of the Saudi Arabian government it was so funny watching so many Geordies so many Newcastle fans were like yeah this is funny I don't give a shit it's funny

and so many were like this is fucking disgraceful this is racist disgraceful this is racist which i have never been like come on behave i know you like i love newcastle i know you love your team we weren't having a go it's funny we could now sell out a really big theater in sunderland this week i think it'd gone fucking mental and we'd have to basically open and close with that bit. You called it as well.

You said you're like, how long until they're all in tea towels and aviators in the street? And it was like 20 minutes after that and spent the word doing it. It was 20 minutes after the podcast recording ended. It wasn't even by the time it closed. So like, I'm in a WhatsApp football group

with a bunch of Jordies and they're like, oh, they've said they're going to invest in the community. We're going to get like all this good stuff. And I was like, don't use the fucking art. And then they went, they're going to invest in the community we're going to get like all this good stuff and I was like you're fucking hard and then they went they promised and I went oh sorry I didn't realise that Shamil Ben had promised to build a fucking pool in Blythe

you're crying forget signing we need to build world's first water park really if you're going to be owned by quite militant Muslim owner like Saudi Arabia, you don't want water park and swimming pool to be their go-to. We have built you a beautiful, beautiful swimming pool in Benwell.

We have some rules about dress code. No bombing. Are you Russian? Can we have another clip on this? Why was my Saudi Arabian so Russian? I don't know. I liked it. It was good.

But yeah, they're like, no, here's some candidates to replace Steve Bruce. Forget that. We need to put flumes in. First things first. Hi, Newcastle. Please don't fuck us off. We're just doing the jokes.

What is it like at Fr time is edinburgh as annoying as a as a local a proper edinburgh local i fucking love it it's like all my mates from all over the world come and visit so like it's the best so the thing with the edinburgh fringes and it's like a well-known trope isn't it that the locals hate the fringe i don't think i remember flyering on the royal mile and accidentally trying to give a flyer to someone, I think, that worked at the Royal Bank of Scotland just up the way. And if he could have murdered me with my own flyer,

I think he would have. But is it sort of like a stereotype? There's some folk that do, yeah. But I think there's mad stats, always like 50% of the tickets are local. So there's a lot of folk that do like it. This year was insane because there was no shows and everyone sold out right yeah we did monkey battle together that night yeah yeah didn't i didn't print out any flyers this year it was just class yeah no posh english folk ruining

it you know nobody dressed as fucking bees doing hamlet it's great oh my god it does sound really good yeah to be or not nah yeah got it i get it fucking relax tarquin a college drama group doing their whole performance in full costume yeah up the royal mile when you're just lying in the street with a flyer like that like grow up man my favorite thing i know this is so stupid and it was such a waste of time for everybody was on the royal mile once i took a flyer off someone it was such a waste of time for everybody was on the royal mile once i took a flyer off someone and if the the title of the show was the flyer and on the back it said you have seen the show that's pretty good that guy doing his own bit i just want to know whether he lives in edinburgh or whether he's some come from london who's gone

i know what i'm going to do. I'm just going to go and stand in Edinburgh for a month, giving flyers out. Doing a one second prank. 5,000 times. Just refusing to flyer people. Be like, no. Yeah, no.

It happens to me at night. You know, nightclubs are flyering in town. That's where you know you're a bit older. Young person, young person? Young person? Nope. Me and Adam got flyered by the same person

in Manchester last week seven times. And in the end I just told him to his face to fuck off. How are you in one place seven times? Was he following you?

We were looking for an Italian restaurant. So we were walking up and down the street and so was he. So every time we passed he went yeah

we were like fuck off he wasn't from around here like the first couple of times I was like is he Italian no he wasn't are you trying to help us

is he is he some form of Saudi Arabian Russian hello my friend he seemed Eastern European by his appearance the first few times very patient

first time I was like no thanks mate second time no still no thanks mate mate. Second time, no, still, no thanks, mate. Third time, no, mate,

we don't, no. What was it for? We don't know. You don't even know. Didn't take the flyer. If it was for an Italian restaurant, that would have been fucking brilliant.

We were looking for a specific Italian restaurant. Oh, well, sorry I tried to do a joke. I apologise, I didn't realise you were a bookie. Oh, look look new Italian restaurant

Domino's When is it your Dominio day? Oh god Dominio Dominatrix It was in Manchester that one's a bit weird

wasn't it Was it just so the fringe was just empty because I didn't you went up for like a three day run did you do the full run

did anyone do a full run? Yeah, I did full run. I did two shows tonight. I did one at nine with some other folk. And then I did another one at half nine. So I'd open that show, bring on the next act, and then run down to the next one. Amazing.

It was class. Just because it was just... Got offered it and hadn't done gigs for two years. So I was like, I felt like I had to say yes to everything. And 50 odd percent of the ticket sales generally are from Edinburgh people anyway. And there was less than half the shows that there normally are. So it just meant everything sold out every day.

Didn't have to do any work other than the show. Oh my God. Although there was nobody there to drink with really. Oh. Or do crystal meth. And I promised him I would go for a drink on the 9th and then just cancelled and then i was like nobody's coming and he went one more's not what an artsy way to say you're not

going i was getting up at like six in the morning to get the first train back to do this podcast fair enough thanks for your commitment yeah i survived like what i survived i said you survived oh yeah you got over it oh yeah are you are you still mates with all your mates in edinburgh like your non-comedy mates it must be fucking amazing when you've got all your comedy mates up for a month you've got all your actual friends yeah well it's non-stop it's a bit much actually like i often get like told off at some points because i've drank too much all the time. Who by? Everyone. I thought you were going to say your missus,

just everyone. No, obviously her because every time I'm like, I'll be home at 12 and I show up at six and she's like, what the fuck is going on?

Six hours early. They love that, don't they, girlfriends and wives? They're a big fan of that. Be home at midnight. Are you enjoying your cocoa pot? I can't ever do it.

But it's when mates step in, that's when you know it's big, big trouble. And they're like, mate, you need to have a night off. I'm like, oh. It's when the crystal meth heads go, you need to relax. Calm the fuck down. You need a detox.

You make a show of yourself. Do you know, in Edinburgh, when I was flying down on Cowgate, there's a lot of heroin users knocking around. Connectious. Edinburgh's, I know because of Trainspotting, it's famously got a bit of a heroin thing going on. But you'd see it down on Cowgate when you're flyering.

And there was a little sort of hole in the wall. I used to, like, in 2018, I was flyering a lot. And I used to do it from sort of 4, 5 until early evening, and then my show was sort of 8 o'clock or whatever. Yeah. And I just didn't want to get myself tired from flyering, so I'd had an energy drink, which normally I wouldn't have at tea time, but it was like, good, that'll kick in, I'll be ready for the show. So I was flyering.

You couldn't fly with an energy drink in your hand. So I just had to find a little spot for it. I didn't want it to get kicked over. And then randomly one of the buildings that was flats on Cowgate just a minute walk

from my venue right in the heart of Edinburgh in the beating heart of the fringe just like this it looked like a little somewhere where

a fire extinguisher should have been but there was nothing there. Just a little hollowed out thing. I was like great. I just put my little can of monster there

and i'll leave it there i'll fly it and then go back over and have a sip so i was flying did this for a few days i was flying one day and i turned around and a homeless guy who was clearly a heroin addict was sort of in and around the hole like like that yeah and went to get the can and I was like, sorry mate, that's my kind of energy drink. And he went, oh Christ, I never touched the shite. And fucked off to go and score heroin or specky brew. I've never felt more judged.

And that's how me and Dan met. I've just got a fucking three stars. I've been working with a heroin junkie in a supermarket, right? That's where I've been with a fucking three stars I've been working with a heroin junkie In a supermarket right That's where I've been with my lockdown job But he's like the most stereotypical Heroin man you've ever met in your life Well he's not that sick because he's holding down a job at Tesco surely

First of all Sainsbury's Self respect Fucking taste the difference And I do often He is like the most junkie man you've ever met And he's worked there 16 years you've ever met right and he's worked there 16 years they can't sack him because he's been there so long uh but there was one night I went for a piss and he burst out of the cubicle with his trousers at his ankles pants his ankles

and I was like what are you doing I nearly said his name and I won't it's Jeff I went what are you doing Jeff but he went there's no toilet roll and then went into the next one I was like brilliant seen his shitey junky arse and then I saw him go put out raw chicken and I was like I can't watch

what's his business I'm not telling what's his business I want to avoid Jeff he's nice I want to avoid him you don't hear about a man like that

and go stay clear of him you go and talk to him he's actually a dead nice guy should I browse him with you well yeah could do can we get a smack head on the pod You don't hear about a man like that and go, stay clear of him. You go and talk to him. He's actually a dead nice guy. Should I browse him with you? Well, yeah, could do. Can we get a smack head on the pod? Yeah, it just works, yeah.

Poor old Jeff at Sainsbury's in Edinburgh. We've got a booking for you. Oh, Christy, pay travel. And do you do complimentary toilet roll? Yeah, I'm all right alright I think I'll be alright missing the Jeff episode no I want to smack it on they must have some stories

oh for sure where did you start doing heroin where did you get your heroin from have you got any numbers yeah how often would you

like literally turn to us and go would you do heroin would you got a heroin yeah god yeah nah probably not

we do ask every guest. It's a lot of... Not join the fringe. It's a lot of faff. Do you know, a lot of accoutrement going on there. You've got to heat it up. Nah, not for me.

Crush it down, snort it up. That's fine. That's what puts you off heroin. The faff. It's too much faff. Too much equipment. I'd lose the spoon.

I don't know. Junkie Jeff, right, phoned up one week. Well, he didn't show up for a couple of weeks right and then he phoned up and went sorry i'm sick and they went okay whatever and then he didn't show up the next week and then he phoned again and they were like what is it and he went what did i say it was last time and he's still never been fired they can fire him though they just don't want to because if you're the manager it's fun to have a story that's how I live my life innit

do everything for the story would you shag the queen absolutely because of the story yeah do you hire a smack head to put the chicken out yes I do

you think the manager is in spite of the the liability that Jeff clearly is he's like I know he keeps stealing things, but fuck me, he makes for great anecdotes at dinner parties. Yeah, I do think that's exactly what it is. And I think we should get a smack head on here.

And then if they're up for it, we should replace Steve with a smack head. Just a smack head Andy Richter. They're probably way more than Steve. That's the sad thing. How much are we going to pay the smack head? Are you going to give me anything? £10 an hour.

£10 an hour? £10 an hour £10 an hour £10 an hour plus no I mean to be on the couch as a guest did you get two and race them

they're fast as well fast as fuck that's the way to test it one on heroin one on meth see just set them loose grateful for the job

as well that's so unfair what that's like that's like that's one juicing and one not juicing. That'd be a good laugh.

Oh, smack heads. And all they're doing all day is looking for smack. What? What, like,

looking in corners? We like watching them, don't we, in town, jumping in town. Mining Bitcoin, like, what are you after?

Fucking smack. What are they doing at like midday? Business deals. Yep. They do, they do look like they're... Popping on aday. Business deals. Yeah. They do look like they're... Popping on a triangle and fool them all again. They do look like they're manoeuvring around.

Because they all know each other, don't they? Yeah, but what are they doing? Like, very social creatures. My favourite thing in the world is watching a smackhead argument. Oh. It's phenomenal. When there's like two absolute crackheads screaming at each other. And my favourite time I've ever seen one of them end,

one of them went you need to sort your fucking life out as he's walking away you need to sort your fucking life out imagine how low you've got to be

for him to be able to say that to you flick the sleeping bag over the shoulder you need to sort your life out his trousers start slowly falling down.

Just a little love heart on these underneath. I just don't know what he'd do. I don't know. Sometimes I'm a little bit jealous of them. They're outdoors. They've got a load of mates. They always have a dog. That seems cute.

At least they've got a hobby. I don't like heroin is debilitating. But they're into something. You've got two of them things. What? You have friends and you can go outdoors. All you want is a dog. Oh.

Yeah. Any hobbies? Well, you know, I like playing squash. Bit of badminton every now and then. And also, I'm a raving crackhead. Oh! I know heroin will kill you, but at least they're dead into something.

You know, like like with Britney Spears when she got like people going mental about her conservative shit or whatever it's like her dad Jamie Spears was controlling her money

and everything is that a sister it's a sister her dad's called John John Spears yeah throws cool

her dad basically got fucked off from the conservative ship is it called and people outside the court in LA were like oh my god we're free Britney and they looked absolute fannies

but part of me was jealous that they were that into it that they were that into the free Britney thing that they were like this is what we do we go down every morning we get a couple of coffees we scream about britney and then on her like release from basically financial prison they're crying and like oh my god free britney's free and part of me was like you look like a bunch of dicks but at the same time they're really passionate about it i got so jealous about the passion i think i feel the same about heroin

when you see them like fighting on the streets and like twatting each other in front of an old British home stalls like they really give a fuck about heroin yeah yeah it's a love it's not an addiction

it's love it's passion do you know what it's hurt me many times yeah but when we first met I'm just trying to get back to that

yeah they're trying to keep the community going they don't want to end yeah have you never been that way about anything like that because never been that way about anything like that

because I feel that way about like Liverpool you know what I mean yeah the football club yes yeah

what do you love Dan what would you want to get passionate about when I found stand up for those first few years that was the most passionate I've ever been about anything in my life when we

got really good broadband and a fast computer that i got into that is there no artists though that you'd be like that about like you know like it if snoop dog ended up in a conservatorship would you not be outside like manchester magistrate courts how the fuck would snoops conservatorship be dealt with at manchester crowd court la-di-da-di we likes to party my dad's got my money and i'm in manchester maybe he's over here because he came here for a tour date and then the lockdown rules changed and he couldn't go back uh honestly stand up when it started and then it becomes a job and you're passionate about it but not the same and sometimes with the nfl at the moment i'm like this is ridiculous how into it okay so chase claypool ends up in a conservatorship

i don't give yeah an amazing name to pluck from i just i just particularly love that man yeah no no it's not one particular player if i met j Jason Cooper, I'd be like, mate, your quality. He'd be like, oh, nice one. What if he was like, but Dan, I'm in a conservatorship. Could you help me out?

I'd be like, Chase, do you know you're not a 60-year-old Texan fat man? Oh, yeah, boy. Listen, Dan, the stress that this conservatorship is putting

on my life has changed my accent. Shaves his head. I don't give a shit about any one. I just like that sport. That's the only thing I'm even closer

The commissioner of the NFL Gets in a conservative shit Roger Goodell Can stay in that Conservative shit Is there nobody You'd scream at At the call for

Nobody What about you Anyone Ever loved anyone To this level Barrymore I guess Michael Barrymore I don't know

He's been to court Oh yeah You enjoyed the parties, didn't you? One person fucking ruined it for the rest of the day. You were there in your fucking swimmers, your flotation device. I'd like the Saudis to take over Michael Barrymore's house so we can get a new pool.

No one's ever, ever, Ever said that to him Put seven up on the spectacles That's why I'd like But like Do you see how she celebrated She posted a naked photo On Instagram And straight away

I was like She should have conservatorship She is His I was like she should have conservatorship she is his sister was like sad she needs somebody to look after her actually

full naked shot on Instagram couple of little stars hiding her nipples yeah and everyone was like yes Brittany do it

and I was like you are all toxic yeah but before if she made any money from that her dad got it oh shit she did yeah

fuck me mate I don't think we need to see Brittany's nipples at this point I'm chuffed for her she doesn't look good But before, if she made any money from that, her dad got it. Oh, shit, she did? Yeah. Fuck me, mate. I don't think we need to see Brittany's nipples at this point. I'm chuffed for her. She doesn't look good, though. No. No. I don't need to say she doesn't look good. She looks tired.

Oh, my. Liverpool Football Club. Yeah. NFL, kind of. Is there anything that really gets you that excited? You look like that's not the case i don't yeah i don't think i have a do you have no passions in life nah not really you ever been into anything that's got you that revved up do you like anything do you like things drinking's

all right it's two in the afternoon and i'm having a beer if you i might join you on that actually if you ended up in a conservatorship yes who would you want to have control of it oh i own somebody else no no no no no so they own you mom or dad owning me yeah not my mom's mental like i love my mom to bits right if you're watching heidi she's a fucking lunatic the other day i text her and i was like do you still have my baby teeth? Because I seem to remember her keeping them. And she went yeah. And I went why do you have them?

Why have you kept them? And she went I just feel like I should. It felt right at the time and I went that's what a serial killer would do. And then she says to me. And she kept like your toenails and stuff as well? No no no just the teeth. But then she said. What? She said What your toenails And stuff as well? No no no Just the teeth But then she said What? She said

What? How is that any more ridiculous Than keeping someone's teeth? I agree with him Just like a big tub Of all the toenail clippings From Gareth's childhood Why is that any different than teeth?

Because you don't get Your first toenails do you? Always lost his first toenails A fucking toe fairy Comes and gives you the quid Yeah but I just lost his baby toenails No so she's got my baby you the quid he's lost his baby toenails no

so she's got my baby teeth and then she said on your christening one of my friends gave me a little silver bell to keep them in that's even worse your friend went to you

here's a tiny little silver bell to keep human baby teeth in and you went aww Gareth are you all family travellers

because that sounds pure gypsy, that. I got you a little silver fucking thing for your teeth, you know. Yeah, baby teeth. Keep those. Keep those. You want these for the fight?

Yeah, she was just like, I felt I should keep them. I was like, what, you thought I'd rather have them and not need them than need them and not have them? What are you talking about? What are you doing with my teeth? She's still got them.

What if I have another baby and he can't grow his own teeth? Got some ready-made? Yeah, that's why they do it. For parts. Does none of your mums have got your baby teeth? Oh, Gareth.

Oh, Gareth. Both their mothers are dead. You have not listened to all of the pods, have you? No. No. They're all three hours long

yeah that's true my mum's dead so we buried my teeth for there my mum's dead as well I didn't know that one we were going to

cause it I feel bad I feel bad for you oh you don't feel bad for Adam I knew that before but now I find that it's a bit of a shock

my mum had kept a load of my arsehole there so we buried that with her because that's what she would have wanted they burnt it from what age that must have fucking stunk my arsehole hair, so we buried that with her, because that's what she would have wanted. They burnt it.

From what age? That must have fucking stunk. His arsehole hair being burnt at the crematorium. Jesus Christ. What the fuck was I made of? It's actually Adam's baby's arsehole hair. Why is he a hairy arsehole when he's a baby? Yeah, but look at him.

You couldn't believe he had a bit of a hairy arsehole. What are you doing tonight, Adam? I'm shaving the baby's arsehole costing me a fucking nightmare in Gillette Mac 3's no wonder she fucking drank to shave a baby's arsehole all these adults arseholes

coming through isn't it mad though that like there's certain parts of your body that you get like replacements for like your teeth and your fingernails

and that but like you can't just like squeeze your eye out and a new one pops in. Yeah. Yeah, that is mad. Squeeze your eye out. I honestly would love to shed my skin

and get a new fresh dick. It'd be great. You know what snakes do? It's your dick all skin. Shed your skin. There's a bit of skin, yeah. In my head I was like, hang on. You get new skin,

you wouldn't get a whole new dick yeah yeah but it'd be like a buff up wouldn't it it'd be like a paint job i don't know what what are the rules sometimes worry about my dick just like what way i just think it's done too many miles yeah it's like you know you know like buying a second-hand car you'd ever buy one that's been used as like a mini i know all about buying second-hand car, you never buy one that's been used as like a minicar. Oh, I know all about buying second-hand cars. My dick has done about 380,000 miles. That's how it feels. But I need to still like use it.

Imagine you had to get a dick MOT every year. Does it ever break down? No, but there's definitely, you know, there's not a lot of tread on the tires. That's how it feels. Plus there's an Asian man who keeps sitting on it. Sorry, go on. tread on the tires that's how it feels plus there's an asian man keeps sitting on it sorry i went i went to the altitude festival in austria right and the sauna there's naked

you're not allowed to go in unless you're fully naked right what we're going as well oh he's coming to it we're going to altitude festival i is i'll be there yeah so the sauna you've got to be bollock naked otherwise a man shouts you get your cock out right he's like put that away. Oh my God, this is my grammar school all over again. Go on. Me and Andrew Maxwell were sitting in the little hot tub and we wanted to comment on everyone else's dicks,

but we thought, oh, they'll hear us. So we just put on a really thick Scottish accent, the two of us. So we were like, oh, fucking look at that man smashing Bobby. You're smashing Bobby. Well, that's a cracking full on man there. So we're basically being a couple of pervs in the hot tub.

Did you not think that maybe you should do any other accent than the one that you've sort of already got? I wouldn't get mine. And to be fair, Andrew's very Irish. Like, we didn't need to, but it just felt right. It's not a very uncrackable code, is it? Look at that man's foot long. If you're Austrian and you're in a sauna,

I'm pretty sure you're not like, excuse me, are you doing a strong Scottish accent and talking about my Austrian pee-pee? It's a Clichy Eubank. No, it's not, I'm doing an Austrian man. That was Clichy Eubank. Hang on. This is not my, it's not,

it's quite a good Eubank, isn't it? I'm a pugilist. That's a smashing Bobby. Excuse me, is this how you say smashing Bobby? Yes. Go on, do Austrian then. Do Austrian. Oh, I'm Chris Urbank.

Oh, you can really dance. There you go. He can as well. You can really dance. Do you not want to... You can't talk about people's dicks in a sauna We did Different days back then What happened there

You cannot dance This is the most The most surreal moment In my entire life Is you and I having a conversation about dicks in a sauna And Adam's just Dancing like Chris Eubank This is my work in life real moment in my entire life is you and I having a conversation about dicks in the sauna and Adam's just dancing like Chris Eubank.

Gareth, this is my work in life. He's doing like Chris Eubank face though, look. He does that face. He does, doesn't he? Yeah.

Show us again one more time. The audio listeners just go to YouTube for fuck's sake. You look like Stevie Wonder. He always gets that.

Or Kim Jong-un. You can't, in a sauna, you don't talk about dicks though, do you? You wouldn't do it in a UK sauna. No, no, of course.

I've got certain respect. Can we go? Can we go to the North South? Yeah. You got it. It we go? Can we go to the... Yeah. You got it. It's great. Yeah.

Is Finn going to altitude? Oh, no, Finn's not. I'm up for it, then. I don't want to see Finn's massive Welsh-Turkish dick. Welsh-Turkish dick? What do you say? He's Welsh-Turkish. Our assistant producer, who isn't here today.

He's Welsh-Turkish? He's Welsh-Turkish. So he's got, like, a big dick. You missed out. I'm half Welsh, I'm half's got like a Big dick You know You missed it I'm half Welsh I'm half Turkish Obviously I've got a massive dick Half Welsh half Turkish

If you know what I mean No I'm not going Obviously it's a pipe I wouldn't go to the sauna If I had to get Little Dan out Just put your hands over there You're not going to come

Hands If you come You do get kicked out Are you not going to go No I No I don't want to Get my dick out in front of you Why Just put your hand over Everyone does it though Do you not gonna go no i no i don't want to get my dick out in front of you why just put your hand over everyone does it do you have a mini towel i know you can wear a towel and then

you take off when you go like into the sauna i never want to see his dick why don't look at it then what yeah if his dick's out you're gonna look how can you not look have you seen his dick yeah what if in the meantime i write the best one-liner joke of all time i give you the feed line but i just write the punchline on my dick and i'm like you've got to look at it or you'll never know how small is the writing these guys are crazy i've not got my readers can you make it bigger chris you bank in there like oh my god i can't believe i think everyone's got the dick out i think what i'd like to do if we're gonna do that is i'd have i'd go in first and i'd have

a look at everyone's dick and make sure i'm gonna feel not emasculated i think they'd let you do that why walk in look at everyone's dick and then walk hey lads dick's out well they're not if i want to join this party yeah you don't want to have the smallest dick in the room i don't i also don't think you don't want to have the smallest dick in the room I also don't think you want to have The biggest dick in the room Because I think then everyone's going to Want to have a conversation with you What? What?

What do you mean? Everyone's like Lads Can't help but say this I'm not usually a big sauna talker But that's a phenomenal dick Do you know who does have the biggest dick? Do you want to know?

Sloss No it's not Who? Ryan Cullen Really? Yeah When we you want to know? Sloss. No, it's not. Ryan Cullen. Really? Yeah. When we found that out, that ruined Sloss's date.

He doesn't even have the biggest dick at his house anymore. Garrett does a podcast with a Northern Irish comedian called Ryan Cullen, who's a very, very funny guy. He's a mad, mad NFL fan, isn't he? He is, yeah.

So you do clear and oblivious with him. And now that I know he has a big dick, it's upsetting. It is upsetting because when you see him, he's one of the foulest looking human beings in the world. It's just such a waste. It's like, what's that clip of the fucking really ugly actor when he's dancing about with his dick out? You know that one?

Is she your bank? Yeah, exactly. Love that video. That's the one. Shalong. The way we found out we was on Kai Humphrey's

stag do and I just heard Elliot Steele from upstairs going what the fuck and we all ran up because we were like

oh something's wrong and we were like what is it and he went have you all seen Cullen's dick and we were like how big are we talking

like insane insane bigger than that bottle bigger than this bottle yeah yeah probably on flop

on flop not ideal so here's how it went down it's our big man wasn't it for the op he screams have you all seen was it that colour as well

with a tiger label on it screams have you seen Cullen's dick And everyone goes no And he goes show everyone your dick right now And Cullen's sitting in his little towel like this And he's like no I'm not doing it And he went show everyone their dick And he went no

And we all went well that's not on And no one laughed It wasn't funny It was terrifying But they're not growers are they doesn't that just get hard at the same size

you'd hope so yeah that's what I've been told yeah otherwise he needs a blood transfusion to just get erect yeah

yeah he just faints every time he gets oh my god she's got nice tits I'd rather have a tiny one that grew massive like a James Bond gadget. A little one and it goes big.

Why? Is that what you've got? No, but I'd rather have that. Would you? What, so save money on the pants and then? It's just easy, isn't it? Yeah. Storage?

Yeah. Running about, comfy around planes and stuff. But then, yeah, it just keeps going and going to the people who are like, all right, fucking hell, when does this stop happening? Yeah. So I hung out with Will will who's our videographer that's been doing some of the uh patreon special stuff that we've had on and he's doing a little uh bit of work for me at the moment and i was like oh

just chatting driving him home after after my gig i was like he's like yeah i had a bit of a weird day today actually i've been filming dicks three three dicks he was filming um for a basically a video YouTube's sort of medical science blog vlog um that apparently the procedure that they've been covering is for people who guys who cannot get an erection they've brought back apparently it's quite an erection, they've brought back, apparently it's quite an old treatment, but they've sort of updated it, where guys who just cannot get erections for whatever reason are being put under,

having one of their testicles taken out, and then having two shafts in their penis, they're having a bit of their penis drilled out on either side, and then... Drilled out? Sorry. Basically, they empty it out. They're putting a little bag in there where the ball was, and if they want to get an erection,

there's fluid in there, and like a fucking Reebok pump trainer, they squeeze one ball, and it inflates the dick. That's how trans men get boners as well. Is it? What? Yeah.

How do you know that? Like it's like, oh yeah, I grew up knowing that with the smackhead Jeff in Sainsbury's. Very woke man. Oh, are you?

I'm not all cocks and saunas, you know? Yeah, but you are inflatable cocks. Yeah, I'm also inflatable. I want one. So you just like,

oh, she is down to bang. So you just grab the, you've got to grab the right one. You've got to be like, hang on, which one's the pump? Right or left? Always remember that.

It's right. Other one makes the voice. This is great for truly non-binary people as well. You know, people who sort of float between both and on different days, they're different things. Because one day, squeeze the ball.

I've got a dick. Next day, squeeze it up here. Better tits. between both and on different days they're different things because one day squeeze the ball I've got a dick next day squeeze it up here pair of tits whatever you feel like today that's what you know apparently that yeah trans people

one ball one ball's up one ball's out that's me can I get another two beers? Fucking Chappelle's off here. I think that's quite good. It's pretty good.

Yeah. You should have. Because then you could have a retractable thing as well where it just turns your dick inside out. You've got a fanny and a pair of tits. There you go. Next day, flatten your chest. You've turned yourself into a non-binary transformer,

haven't you? And you can do the little noise. Press another button and you become a saloon car what are you identifying today as a ford mondayo but like that's great for the minute because there is people who genuinely one day they wake up and they're like i'm a man today next day they're they're a woman. The day after that, they're like somewhere in between. Like having the pumps where you can be like, do you know what? Today I'm a woman with massive tits. Tomorrow, seek up. Just be lying there in the morning going, oh, Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday.

You've got to pump it up. Don't you know? Pump it up. You've got to pump. Yeah. So apparently, they're out cold, obviously, because they're getting like, what did Will describe it as? He was like, two shafts down the side of your penis.

The best way, the imagery I had it, you know when you go bowling and if there's like idiots or special kids that need the- Or just actual kids. Yeah, kids that need inflatable bits on either side. Sometimes at Mega Bowl, they'll do that. Inflatable. So you basically got that down each side of your dick. And he was like, they're out cold,

and then they have to fill it up to the optimum pressure to work out how much fluid is needed for the full erection. Otherwise, if they're like, ah, it's probably about 70 mils or whatever, and then you'd pump it up, and your dick would be like, eh, not quite enough. But at the same time, if it's too much fluid, you could keep pumping. Burst you'd pump it up and your dick would be like, well, not quite enough. But at the same time, if it's too much fluid, you could keep pumping.

Burst your dick. You can burst your dick. So if I ever got this done, then I think I'm going to need one of those big machines that they use for the bouncy castle. Put the pipe up my ass, blow it up.

Oh, here we go. I saw you think of that bit. I heard your dick wasn't working for a while, but now it's fine. What's that dialysis machine next year? Like, a necessity lab. I am going to fuck the shit out of you, but I need an extension cord.

Oh, no, you can turn it off. She could climb on and you turn it back on again. Do you reckon you're at a kid's party? You can turn the bunch castle off. I don't think you should do kid's party stuff in and around the inflatable dick banter. That would be awful, wouldn't it?

If there was a woman on top of you riding the fuck out of you and someone unplugged your dick and put the hoover in. There's a power cut. Your dick's in the mains.

You're going to fuck me tonight, aren't you? I've got to do the stairs. You're going to fuck me tonight, Paul. Yeah, I am. Have you paid stairs. You're going to fuck me tonight, Paul. Yeah, I am. Have you paid your lecky bill? You know I have, babe.

Look, check my e-mail account. You're going to get it. Power cut and you've got to get it back in January. You could end up with like a smart dick. Where it's like... So like, you could be like a little off on your phone where you're like turn me dick on in half an hour on the way home warm up a bit i think you're gonna have to start thinking about reusable energy it's a lovely solar powered hat you've got there mate yeah

she is frisky at the moment. That seems like time for a break. I don't think we're topping the inflatable dig. Wag wag lids, it's Dan. Hope you're enjoying today's episode.

Do us a favour, if you're watching on YouTube, like the video, subscribe if you're listening, follow us on all socials at Have A Word Pod, tell a friend, do something, help spread the word. Also, follow us on all socials at Have A Word Pod. Tell a friend. Do something.

Help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year. If you want to come and see me, do stand up. Get tickets at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode.

Welcome back to the... I'm out for the rest of the episode. Oh, for the love of shit. What are we doing? Who's that's that for what who's it for it's in solidarity with the people of lebanon problem is i'm wearing a t-shirt so it's one arm in for me and i look it you look lovely in you look lovely insensitive as beautiful as anybody else You look as beautiful as anybody else Thanks mate Why is the Lebanon thing the arm?

Are they known as the arms? To call to arms To fight for Lebanon Why do you keep mentioning the Lebanon? What is Lebanon Adam? It's a country I remember asking my mate once, we were like, you know what Bukkake is?

And he went, yeah, a motorbike. Bukkake 125cc. Nice. I'm actually learning on a Bukkake. Bukkake was designed as a punishment for adulterous women, wasn't it? Really? Yeah.

It was. Like when you catch your son smoking a cigarette and you make him smoke loads. Eagle, if you love it so much. Where did they do it? On the face. No, I know, but like... It's happened, hasn't it?

Come on, you better come on what do you mean was it the village hall the ymca was it the village hall right we're having a meeting uh i think they did it in like tokyo's version of times square shibuya crossing

started in japan it's called shibuya crossing you know why because he spent time in japan fuck off carl um giving you the facts jack sharp says eyelids i've got a question for you what's the best thing you've spent your money on and the most stupid thing you've spent your money on love the podcast dishwasher dishwasher and i haven't got somebody that doesn't have a dishwasher i believe you right so when i was with my ex-girlfriend, we had a dishwasher.

When she left, she fucking took it with her. And I'm so shit at remembering to fucking do stuff, I forgot to replace it. Still, a year later. Right. So now you've employed someone to wash dishes for you. No, I have a cleaner every now and then. She does dishes.

If there's too many and I can't be arsed, I'll go do them, yeah. On top of the house. I love the idea of your girlfriend leaving as well. you've made argument like you're a fucking bastard and pulling the dishwasher out you fucking little piece of shit you'll never see me again you'll never meet me what happened oh really i fair enough sorry twice i brought up traumatic moments in your life and your mom was dead honestly honestly when i had a dishwasher and i'm so good that i haven't replaced it because i just keep forgetting to get one it's uh it's life

changing yeah adam buy one today i know that you can afford one yeah we get paid the same from this yeah buy a dish get on ao treat yourself the thing is It has to be a tabletop dishwasher Because my kitchen is too small A tabletop? What do you mean? It goes on the side Rather than under Right, right, right

It's a little smaller one But fuck Oh mate Get one How many dishes does it do at once? All of them Even the ones you don't want to do Just puts them all in

Just puts them all in You can do like I think it was like 10 big plates, 10 little ones, four cups and a spoon. That's all the dishes. All the dishes.

Share a big ladle. Don't put your sippy cup in there, it'll melt. You know what Adam's been doing without the dishwasher? He's been buying new crockery every fucking turn. I've stopped doing that.

Really? Yeah. Right. But me and Sam sort of have a sort of arrangement now. Whoever cooks, the other one does the dishes. This is insane. You're pitching this like you're the first couple to ever think of this.

I'm mad at it. We've got this thing, right? Gonna blow your fucking mind. There's another one, by the way. The absolute basics of living with another person. There's another one. You wash, she dries. Oh. They just leave them to dry though. You wash, she dries. Oh. They just leave them to dry, don't you? On their board.

Right. You don't need to dry them. Get yourself one, kid. Go on. But this is how bad it's got with the dishes thing, right? With, like, one of us cooks is the one who does the thing. Trademark TBC. The other day, Sunday, was it?

She went to London last week to watch rick astley and the blossoms do the songs of the smiths right she went with him um and on the way back i just had sunday off and i went babe i'm gonna do a roast so let me know what time you're gonna be in i'll get it ready for like 10 minutes after that full roast dinner and she texted me back seconds later like a minute later than gone i've booked us into the glass and bottle in St. Helens for a roast. Do not cook a roast because I can't be arsed to do the dishes.

Fair enough. Yeah. I bought a Porsche in lockdown. What? A 2005 Boxster? You betcha, yeah. Is it a Boxster? Exactly that, yeah.

So when I was on his podcast, the Porsche came up and I was laughing at him. And I was like, what did you buy? Like a 2005 Boxster. And there was this pause. And Gareth went, it fucking is. Yeah, bang on, yeah, bang on. Are you a hairdresser?

No, no. I worked in a supermarket, mate, with Junkie Jeff. But like... Mate, there's a sitcom waiting to be happening. Like Junkie Jeff that you work in the same studio, you and a Porsche Boxster. I do mean this in the worst way possible. You look like you drive a Porsche Boxster.

It was the best. It was so good, man. Have you not got no more? No. I'll tell you about it, right? So the worst thing about it, right, it was a convertible and I was doing night shifts in a supermarket. You know what you can't do when you're driving to the night shift?

Hover the fucking roof down because it's night, right? You look like a psycho. So I lied on the loan application about how much money I was getting from the supermarket so that I could buy the Porsche. Turns out that's fraud. Don't do that. Anyway,

I get it. I bought on the fucking Sainsbury's on 200 grand the cunt. That's the Linda I am leaving hey okay here we are at the loans company

hello this is the Scottish loan company okay the new you go to one Jerry Cinnamon gig you think you're fucking winning hello welcome to the racist Scottish loan company mclones mclones we went by i don't know why i'm doing a scottish accent

it's my own accent anyway lied on it got it i bought on the 31st of december off this guy so basically my new year's resolution was to be a middle-aged man with a tiny cock and what a seven months i had but the mot was three grand it was fucked so i'd stretched myself to get the car then i had to pay the mot so i went i need to get fucking rid of this thing so i've still got debt from it now but it's gone i bought it yeah and it fits just right middle-aged guy with a tiny cock never felt so right you want a little sporty yeah 100 you yeah 100% not a Boxster it's the best thing ever

I'm not a divorcee called fucking what made you want to get that do you know what I actually wanted was an MX5 because I had one when I was 21 it was the best car

I had some last year now an MX5 I know yeah it was class but then I saw the Boxster for like twice the price and I went fuck it

that'd be a laugh imagine driving to the nightshifts in a Porsche. And I did for a couple of months. I've got my eyes on a Jaguar F-Type. But I'm not quite there yet. I want to do my next tour on a private jet. Yeah, I've got the boss here. All right, Schultz.

It is. It's watching him fly around America on a private jet. I want to go Liverpool, John Lennon to Manchester airport on my private jet. That's more go Liverpool, John Lennon, to Manchester airport on my private jet. That's more Epstein, isn't it, than Schultz? Oh. Big nonce jet. You have a tendency of, if you see enough things,

you really do want things. Like, if you lived in the Middle East, I'd be worried about where you're, like... Do you think I'm going to be buying? Newcastle, you know? A lot. I want a club. If I lived in the Middle East, I'd be worried about where you're like... Do you think I'm going to be buying? Newcastle United. Lad, I want a club. I'm very materialistic, I will give you that.

I want stuff. I want a dishwasher and a private jet. What do you drive now? I don't drive now. You're out. You went Boxster and nothing. Retired. You've got a problem with trainers at the moment, haven't you?

You are... By problem, do you mean I look cool as fuck whenever I go i go no by problem i meant the other day you said in the whatsapp group i've got a bit of a problem with trainers it's a very easy problem to get though but you're like but i like the problem somewhere there's a junkie podcast with a smack head and a heroin addicts going imagine being addicted to trainers what do they do during the day just walk it about literally yeah welcome to have a gram i've developed a love for nikes right nikes Nikes right why are you saying it like that Dunks have you developed

a problem saying the name of the company as well Nikes Nikes these are Tommy Mallet

not Timmy Mallet different person Tommy Mallet ex-coochie and little sticker on the bottom I wore these for the Apollo.

This is only their second time off the box. Thank you. What's going on? Dan, he loves this. It's got resale value on this. He loves this. They are lovely though, aren't they? They are beautiful.

They are very nice. They're fucking horrible. What's wrong with you? You're fucking Peter. He's not with you? You're fucking Peter. Stop washing his feet. What have you got on, Dan? Let's see. Hiya.

Called Adidas. Adidas. 90s were class, weren't they? Yeah, they were. Go suck your mum's teeth suck my own teeth yeah they were I think they were adidas match court

beautiful tennis shoes or the basketball shoes I think they cost more than a tenner well let it hang tennis shoes

yeah let it hang Gareth don't sometimes jokes just need time to breathe and suffocate and die and that was one of them breathe suffocate and die in that order you're wearing a tenner have you seen those little shoes yeah little or aldi little what there's little expensive yeah there's little trainers that you'll be fucking rocking them in the next no little day when your career goes real shit what's happening

they'll be wearing the little little trainers they'll release their own shoes and because they're so shit they become hypey it's good oh right yeah

they're ironically like ironic kicks exactly they look like shit that's the problem I have with like hyped up trainees some of them look like shit

and they're just expensive because people are like oh well you know up trainees Some of them look like shit And they're just expensive Because People Are like Oh well You know I want my feet to look like shit I'd rather have a pair

That no one wants That are fucking lovely Than a pair of Lidl shoes Personally Fair enough What's the most you've spent On a pair of trainers? 300 quid

Yep I'm out I'm out Nike Dunk SB Paras Paras Paras right

and it was too much and I shouldn't have done it 110 ready have you worn them you've worn them yeah I wore them here a couple of weeks ago

and you were like meh no I wasn't they were nice I just I wanted to know why they were 300 quid because no one else has got them exclusivity

yeah what's your now you've done with the Boxster what's the thing that you you're a bit lavish with genuinely fuck all nothing you've done with the boxster what's the thing that you you you're a bit lavish with genuinely fuck all nothing you got no vices nothing and no passion i mean obviously drinking cocaine it's bloody moorish in it let's face it it's a hell of a drug oh my god get it yum yum yes please i'll have some more it's great and i do it too much it gets to the point where i have four beers and i'm like

oh you don't taste good on my little nostrils right now it's bad but other than that no clean living mate i sort of wish you'd got into it you know what coke yeah it's just it's never i'm getting done with it now yeah oh yeah too old you can get into it how old are you No. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Too old. You can get into it.

How old are you? 82. Yeah, too old. Oh, yeah. Fucking three years above us. Old man. Yeah, it is, yeah. Are you going to replace it with something else?

The problem is, like, you can't do... Oh, it tastes good on my little nostrils. Yeah. It's like the cocaine version of old school. Oh, it just feels so good when it touches your nostrils. I like to not feel anything. Numbness just feels so good when it touches your nostrils. I like to not feel anything. Numbness. My mate went to the dentist the other day

and he's done so much coke that the Novocaine didn't work when they were injecting him. And the dentist was like telling the nurses to leave and they left and he was like, do you do cocaine? And the guy was like, yeah. And he went, okay, I'm not legally allowed to give you any more injections, but here you go. Give him another one that would give me a panic attack that well straight away that's why i went right

i need to fucking lay off this yeah have you got a bit of the fear about it no not really like i don't earn enough to have the fear about it you know doing it once every two months is fine yeah yeah yeah i think it's when it's more than that though that's the issue in it i i definitely add that down the once every two months and then it's you know and it's like hang on this timeline has changed yeah nah no vices at the minute until life goes back to normal video games i guess i played i keep buying got a twitch channel as well yeah what is it what you play uh it's scary games i do horror games the problem is i hate them that's the best thing if you like playing them that reborn as i can't hack it at all and like uh like resident evil i've played two of those yeah yeah up one called escape from the staff toilet with jeff a dog yeah like it's horrible because like i sit there and like people can like interact with the stream

quite like that so they're interacting live so they can do stuff like they can turn off all the lights in my room and i've got a little night vision camera so it's like fucking how did you do that i just bought a little night vision camera oh how did they how did they control your light? they press a button on the stream and it turns off they've got to earn points

to do it though that is sick I love that so have you got like a smart thing in your house? aye aye then that goes off and then I've got the

wee night vision camera so I can like be Derek Okora in a few years they'll be able to turn your dick on oh they do that anyway they just don't know about

it that's sick though yeah oh but it's fucking awful so i'm just sitting there like shitting myself like i can't do it and you can play like loud noises into headphones to make me shit myself you're a partner hang on are you being bullied by your online twitch for money though all right fine yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah if you're gonna get bullied you might want monetizer what just like pay for the uber eats guy to come and molest you i'm just saying you want money yeah and that pandemic's been an awful lot i wouldn't do for money yeah got the delivery would you ever be like a rent boy yeah okay it's time for some words boy yeah okay it's time for some other words mate he has people turning his lights off on twitch he's got a price yeah i think we'd we'd all be a rent boy for a certain price yeah right yeah he'd be a rent boy for trainers that's the

scary thing saying some fucking nike kicks pro-Am Stussy things that's the name of the trainers that I made up and I've never felt more like a beta file and you've touched kids I have touched kids

probably was the hearts oh double twist thank you Garrett thanks for doing a punchline to get no no no no do you know how they say right it always worries me when adam goes do you know what i think i'll do a bit of production

i'll stop telling people you're a pedophile do you know how like they say a lot of pedos were molested when they were younger yeah like a large amount of them who says that lots of people i say it all the time i tell people at the train station this a lot of people on twitch anyone who'll listen i'll tell them anyone on twitch platform yeah they were also diddled that means you have to earn points to say that gone that means that there was one original pedo though it started at all zero one yeah one butterfly effect pedo who diddled a kid and the repercussions he's had on the world who do you reckon it was john grisham the novelist

surely michael jackson after what he said surely it would have been someone in the Old Testament Jesus so Abraham begot like Ishmael and Ishmael touched Dave

and then do you think it was Ishmael sounds like Ishmael 0 Ishmael touched a kid and then 100 years later Jim's fixing it

it wasn't alright to shag kids back then 100 years there was a period in time where you could just fuck whatever you wanted and everyone was just like that's Keith 100 years later, Jim's fixing it from full. It wasn't alright to shag kids back then. 100 years. There was a period in time where you could just fuck whatever you wanted and everyone was just like, yeah, that's Keith, that's what he does. Everyone could do that. Old Testament times. Why would they say that's Keith if everyone could do it?

It's Keith. Not even pedo Keith, because it was allowed. It's just Keith. He's just busy. And some leftists in Bethlehem's like, we should only have sex with people and they're like oh fucking woke

woke cunt yeah you can't fuck anything anymore if you do this folk will start wanting to be whatever they want

you won't be able to say the P word anymore unless we can fuck everything we want shall we do shall we do shall we do some have words

you happy yeah I'm born happy so you know the score Gareth do you know I do know the score I mean you didn't know my mum was dead

but you know the score agony aunts solving people's problems people whinging you know how our mum's died it was a massive joint orgasm yeah it was hairy Agony ants Solving people's problems People whinging Do you know how our mum's died? It was a Massive joint orgasm Yeah

It was hairy It was crystal meth Ah What was it of them? What were the causes? Sadness They died of sadness Oh

My mum My mum was just disappointed I was born. She saw my dick. She just dropped dead. She was like that. God, he's going to drive a Porsche Boxster. That didn't exist when you were born.

Oh, that was really... Check that, Steve. That was so unbelievably horribly accurate. Check that, Steve. So, Genevieve says, am I the only one that reads the name Genevieve and thinks she's fit?

Yeah. Great. Hey, lids. This is from Genevieve. French, surely. Genevieve. I'm going for Genevieve's family. Genevieve.

The mafia. Hey, lids. Hey, lids. Hey, Lids. Could you please have a word with him? Or me, depending on your stance. We've been together five and a half years. We met online, basically love at first sight, and he moved in within weeks.

All has been great, and he's an amazing boyfriend. However, we're both not getting any younger, both 32, and I'm desperate for him to take our relationship to the next level and propose. However, we're both not getting any younger, both 32, and I'm desperate for him to take our relationship to the next level and propose. I'm starting uni in September, and he's joked if I get at least a 2.1, he will pop the question. If there was a hint of truth in it, that's more than three years away. Should I stop pestering him, or am I being completely reasonable,

wanting him to commit sooner? Keep up the great work. P.S. We watched watch the show together so can't wait to hear your opinions hi genevieve's boyfriend here's the thing right natural progression of time right you're a kid little school big school uni marriage kids dead yeah yeah but she's going to uni now uni, marriage, kids, dead. Yeah? Yeah. But she's going to uni now. It's fun being the Scottish, isn't it? She's going to uni now, but she's like,

oh, we're not getting younger. If you're going to uni now, then yeah, that's after uni. You don't get married and then go to uni. That's crazy. You're not even married at uni. You can't be married at freshers. Yeah, but you can if you're 32

and you're doing an adult learning thing. Here's what's happened here. here i'm 32 i've been with my girlfriend for 10 years and we are not engaged yeah same does she want to be engaged though oh god yeah oh she might doesn't the pressure on me right now is unbelievable yeah you're getting to yeah i think like this is i agree with gareth i think if you're going to uni you should wait till you graduate what if she was going to uni at 42 what's gone wrong with this woman

what's wrong with that you don't have to go back to uni you can go to uni 15 times I think we're getting a little bit hung up on uni here aren't we

you can't get married while you're in uni she's not 19 you're getting really weirdly defensive because I'm thinking of going back to uni that's what it feels like

what do you want to study Dan? dancing honestly me and Adam would pay for that guys I've got something to tell you it's pretty big I'm doing a performing arts degree

at the University of Wigan how old were you when you got married? we've been married five years so I was 35 oh well then yeah what's her problem oh yeah i think she should wait till she's graduated uni i think the progression of life i agree with that why is everyone got a big fucking like book or what to do do whatever

you fucking want when i have a book sorry i don't have a book now you've got your book out haven't you when you should get married the timeline of life the timeline of life you're born and you get pubes and then you finger a girl then there's a pandemic and you buy a Porsche she fingers you

yeah bollocks do whatever you want whenever you want agree go back to your 80s fuck off but don't pressure

other people into doing things they don't want to yeah yeah imagine if every have a word carl who was grumpy answered the have a words like that just fuck off stop emailing us fucking hell building survey

if she wants to get married that badly she should propose genevieve i don't the but the one thing i'll give you is you you've become a bit of a cliche haven't you like i don't it's like oh we've been together so long when will he commit like how are you not just having these conversations why don't you just threaten him grow a pair of balls next to your bunny and go mate if you don't marry me i will fuck off why what why would you fuck off because it's what she wants. Bollocks to me. No, it doesn't work like that. You're seeing it as a 29-year-old lad, right?

Some women want more commitment than like, yeah, well, I'm banging you. Why is that not enough? Like, she wants commitment. If it's important enough, pay him. If he's a great boyfriend and you genuinely love him to bits, it's not, Carl's right, it's not massively important when you get a piece of paper

telling everyone that you're married but if it is important then threaten us but it's obviously not important to him because he's not arsed yet right

but he gets that it's important to her so he's be like oh whatever if you get a two one I'll reward you he's not arsed so here's what I think

she's got to do something for him yep yep right redecorate the bathroom let him fuck her in the arse was that eu that you the first one was a euphemism no no yeah i don't think either of them let him hang a framed picture of his family in the living room

what did you what's wrong with that i think she might give up all of those she wants to get married don't she exactly well he's like right okay but as long as i get to frame put a full frame portrait of my family and she's like never i will stay single and unmarried rather than look at your god awful fucking ugly not beautiful like me because i'm called genevieve family dan did you want to get did you want to get married i know i wanted to meet someone who was beautiful and sound and made me happy. And when I met her, if she'd have gone, I think marriage is a big fat load of bollocks. I'd have gone, nice one.

Let's not do that then. If she'd have gone, I need to get married quick as fuck. No, because marriage is not a hugely important institution to me. Being with someone who is a brilliant partner that I love is more important. No, because marriage is not a hugely important institution to me. Being with someone who is a brilliant partner that I love is more important. So honestly, if Laura had stated the preference... Her happiness is more important than you, Cain, about marriage. No, it's my happiness, isn't it?

Yeah, but I'm saying... I just want her. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What she then is into. So it's different with kids. So if I'd have met her and she'd have gone look i want never want kids i'd have been like pretty early on like ah that's not gonna work for me because i wanted to be a dad a piece of paper because we're not religious a party which was great fun and a

fuck it and the government going you are married i couldn't give a shit about that because legally you've got exactly the same standing if you cohabit you've got a mortgage together you live together you've got kids together i think legally you are as good as married aren't you so it was just for me it was just laura was like yeah i do want to get married and it was great a mum paid for it it's a dream i'm quite happy to get married a deaf or one kids but what i i'm gonna need whenever i get married to whoever that may be i want a bit of control in the party. We'll have an adult-only bouncy castle for the start. Yeah.

Yeah. Extra pump for your cock. Yeah. You can pump the whole bouncy castle up with your cock. Yeah. With all our new non-binary fans, they can connect themselves to the bouncy castle because we'll get a few from this episode.

I want a few wedding clowns to go around doing separate people clowns with like a tux on yeah yeah i think if you marry you you've got to you're going to accept there's going to be some fucking tom fooler at the party sorry guys i was going to say see if i won the lottery right i'd probably get married but i'd first off i'd hire a private investigator right i'd go get him to find out this guy i'd hire a private investigator right i'd go get him to find out this guy uh darren bald right who used to bully me in school be like find out about this guy what he's up to now where he lives what he's doing right track him down find out what he's into he's into golf good i'll start getting good at golf and then i'll go and get a sex change in

the meantime right and then i'll go back i'll go on the golf course i'll be hitting something and he'll see me maybe oh you're beautiful right i'll make him fall in love with me we'll get married we'll have kids and then on my deathbed i'll be like who's fucking gay now danim yeah so this that wasn't really about the question it's more about you being bullied that would be me getting married i had this unmade up name oh all right where'd you get bald from uh that was the one of the guys second names and darren was another one all right oh Where did you get Ball from? That was the One of the guys Second names And Darren was Another one

Oh you created Like a massive Carl thought you were Just looking at Dan Bunch of fucking pricks But in all seriousness Darren Darren

Darren Darren Glasses and that putting all seriousness to general Dave Darren Darren Darren Darren Darren glasses and hat Darren squint oh oh it is Darren headphones

what headphones is bad Steve unnecessarily grumpy I'm not unnecessarily grumpy Daniel thank you fucking just do

what you want thanks Carl where where Gareth you're the guest and you can you can decide Grumpy Daniel, thank you very much. Fucking just do what you want! Thanks, Carl. Gareth, you're the guest, and you can decide who's... Because we've got different opinions here. I think, to be fair, everyone's right. Everyone's right, yeah. Off up your arsehole.

It'll be done in a week. Or bathroom. Or framed picture of the family. Not all at once. Never get fucked in the arse while trying to put a frame picture of his family up in the living room. Fat.

You're like, ow, ow, ow. Left, left, little to the left. I don't understand why that's such a big thing. A monologue and a frame picture of your family in my room.

Never. Take him to his favourite restaurant and let him get whatever he wants. Three courses without judging him. Being like, oh, starter and a dessert.

Fat twat. Don't say that let them get both let them have that four fifth six drink seems close to homeness what are you all right he got bullied everything all right if you had a really traumatic pizza express i said a way to get a sex change and marry my bully and they you went i want five drinks and they all went are you all right he just wants garlic bread and mozzarella not to be shouted at gareth you can you can stand in judgment who we're having a word with him or her uh hi oh genevieve you've been told chill out get your degree i hope she gets a tutu and he doesn't propose or wear a tutu and let him fuck it in the tutu i literally knew that was coming as soon as

you said tutu i was like who's doing it? Because it's definitely happening. I'm calling Desmond. Dan Johnson says, oh no, hang on. Fuck me and not Desmond. What time is it? Sorry, Dan Johnson,

you get loads. This is from Anonymous. What he sounds like. We're closing it up. It's not Dan Johnson. They've changed to Anonymous. This is from Don Johnson. No, it's not.

This is from Miami Vice. This is a different, yeah. This is from a genuinely anonymous writer. He's not Miami Vice character. No coffee next week. I know. I saw it. You brought in a quadruple fucking coffee

and you've been loopy. It's funny though. I've liked it. It's mental. He's good. Hey've liked it. Yeah. It's mental. It's mental. It's good. Hey lids. And guests. If this is on a public episode.

It is a non. Scarif the War. What is he good for? Banter. So. My partner of four years left me last year. For a close friend. Oh shit.

So my partner of four years left me last year for a close friend and colleague of mine rat it's a minor woman this is from a man okay i've left it all that time thinking ah karma will get them yet nothing bad has happened yet would it be childish of me to make a fake competition on Facebook under our local zoo's name saying we have a £10,000 prize if you answer this question

which of these animals doesn't have legs giraffe lion snake and then put one of their numbers as the place to text the answer in the hope that they get thousands of people sending them snake. Just let me know if I'm being petty

and if you need to have a word with me or them. Very good. That's class, that. Very good. Ph's class, that. Very good. Phenomenal. I think you should do it, because what we've just started doing, Gary... I want to make it less obvious, though.

Right. Everyone knows snakes don't have legs. I'm ringing the Starbucks near you and I'm going to speak to them look I've got a friend and he's got an issue I only give him two shots of espresso

I will tell it's him he'll have a different set of trainers on every visit yeah you'll know it's him he's wearing 400 pound webs change it to

slug I'll do it slug slug slug. I'll do it. Slug. Slug. Slug. So, I just think it's,

I think you should do it. Is anyone else thinking they're from Chester? What? Because of the zoo? Yeah. Or New York. Let me just say, those are the two zoos.

Yeah, he's from New York. The Bronx. I'm sick of getting emails from New York. They're like, oh! Oh! The fucking bitch left me! Oh!

Like that. Do you remember we went to Berlin Zoo and the fella couldn't understand the way to the zoo? Do you remember? Yeah. What? We were in a taxi in Berlin. How'd you do on a lad's weekend?

We were going to the zoo. You two are so cute. Fucking lads, lads, lads, zoo. We got in a taxi and he went, I am at Berlin Zoo, please. What? And he was looking and I was going,

what? Like, Berlin Zoo. I don't know this. I don't. So I was going, he couldn't get it. I went, a show.

He went, ah, the zoo. Yeah, that's the one the zoo we missed out six of the O's that was our problem

the zoo what zoo it's because he never heard anyone he never heard anyone depressed saying the word zoo he was like zoo

like normally people are like the zoo look at the zoo insane what it was insane wasn't it yeah me and Danny Mac went I want to take the piss out of you It was insane. What? It was insane, wasn't it? Yeah.

When me and Danny Mac went to... I want to take the piss out of you for going to the zoo. When me and Danny Mac went to Amsterdam 10 years ago, we went to like, had a few space cakes and whatnot, went on the lash a couple of times, went to Amsterdam Zoo together. That was Anne Frank's house. You know, you get a bit... Yeah, we did a lot of...

Boring. And then you just get a bit like oh a bit bored of drinking should we go to the zoo it's really nice the zoo is great i love the zoo fun isn't it what have

they got amsterdam zoo what's like the big attraction lions and tigers and bears oh my freeze frame war what is it good for doing the monkeys the best

as i've said on this podcast before if there was just a big monkey zoo i'd be there me Freeze frame. War! What is it good for? Doing the fucking punchlines. Monkey's the best bit, though, as I've said on this podcast before. If there was just a big monkey zoo, I'd be there, mate. If there was a Kyoto monkey zoo. And the chimpanzees started having a big brawl, and they had to tranquilise a couple of them. Which zoo?

Edinburgh Zoo. Love it. They've fucking lost their mind, and kids were, like, screaming. Just sell tickets to it. Yeah, well, I was like, this is the best The perfect zoo visit for me

Like the old fam Should have made it Like a royal rumble Some testicles up against The glass like that I was like Sick terrier monkeys Should have put the giraffes

In with them A few lions And just fight to the death Animal death match Yeah And you might think Oh The giraffes aren't

Going to get involved As soon as the chimpanzee Punches it in the bollocks, it'll fucking kick off. Yeah. That'll be the thing that makes it kick off, not the hungry lions. They're famous for that.

Don't punch a giraffe in the bollocks. No, I don't like it. They hate it. And on that bombshell, Gareth, thanks for being part of this. Thanks for having me. It's been an absolute pleasure. What have we got going on?

Loads of merch Oh the new merch It's flying Yeah That's it for now My tour goes on sale The end of October It's already on sale DanNightingale.com

AdamRowe.co.uk If you would like to Sign up to the main list To get priority access Or if you're a Patreon You're going to get priority priority access. You know what I mean?

And the Have A Words get them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com if you want to whinge about your partner not marrying you or if you just want some sort of like

validation for your revenge tactics get them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com for more of this bullshit sign up to patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod we do an hour and a half of this unadulterated unfiltered fucking nonsense every week and the confessions feature is kicking off royally if you don't know

what that's about sign up episodes are better episodes and not only do you get the extra episodes you get the entire back catalogue Early access to this shit It's fucking loads And it starts at three quid And it's worth it So just go and fucking do it And shut up

Gareth where can we find you? In Edinburgh mostly Sainsbury's The Sainsbury's You knew what he meant He meant all mine And then on social media and stuff Can I short give?

I knew you knew fuck off that was you doubled Gareth can I absolutely blow you away go on then

we knew that you knew like a fucking vanilla rice wait what's your social handles just Gareth War everywhere War spells WAGA yeah W-A-U-G-H exactly what's your social handles just gareth war everywhere war spells

waga yai w-a-u-g-h exactly gareth wah who me

good lord gareth wah wah no it's gareth wah gareth me gwa

wah wah