Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #143 with Shotty Horroh - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

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I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez. Don't chat to me!

I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. What's happening everyone? Just before we start this week's episode, I've got to let you know my tour, my national tour for the spring of 2022 goes on public sale on Friday, the 29th of October. That's this Friday coming. But if you are a member of our Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a word pod, you're going to get 48 hours early access to that on Wednesday, the 27th of October. They both go on sale at 10 a.m. Set your alarms. Some of these rooms are quite small and they might sell out quite quickly. I'm going all over the UK. I've got as many cities in

as I possibly could for now and if there's not one of your cities on it then just wait and see if I add it in the extension or try and come to one of the ones that's already there.

I'm going everywhere. You can get on a train for half an hour. Please come and see us. I'm really excited about this show. It's called Imperious. It's going to be

my biggest tour to date and I'm fucking excited to have all yous there. AdamRowe.co.uk forward slash shows 10am on Friday or Wednesday if you're dead sound and you're a Patreon. See us on tour. Ta-ra. We're on. We're in. We're in. Wagwan lids. Make sure that we're speaking into the microphone. Just before this episode of this fire episode of Have A Word podcast, we want to make sure that we're speaking into the microphone just before this episode of this fire episode of Have A Word Podcast we want to make sure that you join the Patreon

now there's a one hour to one and a half hours really of bonus bullshit we just talk bullshit on this podcast it really is fun and you can have that for only £3 a month, which is the price of, it's slightly less than the price of a posh coffee where I come from.

But of course, my southern pound does tend to go rather further up here. So you could buy a Patreon for that and you get bonus episode and all the ghost hunts and whatnot. It's a great deal, isn't it? It really is. Alfie Brown is here ladies and gentlemen

sitting in for Dan Nightingale who is having one of his bollocks cut off today oh no the left one as well what

the left one is that your favourite one yeah it's his best bollock no my right one it's my favourite it's the lower one my left one's my lower one is it

yeah Alfie I think it's switched around i used to have i i think i've irreparably damaged my ball tubes because i used to have a bit of material where i would um like argue that like nudity doesn't make pop music better and then i would say like is it is it better if i get my bollocks out and i would push my i would thumb my cock down into my jeans but hoist my testicles over my belt buckle, and then I would scream at somebody in the audience,

stare into the eye of the storm whilst pointing at my bollocks. This is, I should say, 2011, when we had different sensibilities about what was acceptable comedy. And then, of course, the joke would be that it does make it funnier because bollocks are really funny. Bollocks are funny. Bollocks are funny. I don't think there's ever a bad time to see a pair of bollocks.

Well, I'm glad you said that. I don't think anyone sees just a pair of bollocks. No. If there's a dick involved as well, that's threatening. Okay, what about when you're going to sleep for open-eye surgery? And as you go out, you can see the doctor's bollocks i think that's the only situation and that's interesting because the the the reason why a penis implies threat yeah yeah but bollocks imply vulnerability which is why they're such a beautiful thing to have like next to each other like wow what intensity it's like the sacred and the profane it's it there's a because everybody is most

vulnerable in their bollocks aren't they as i can attest to with my swollen ball tubes circa 2011 how long have we done two minutes and 44 seconds to be here I just want to like you know who else have you heard Eshan and as co-host yeah so Eshan's done one Brennan Rees has done two

Freddie's done one and Paul Smith has done one I'd love to work my way up to Eshan level yeah yeah yeah yeah

I want to do one of your live shows once and have my own theme tune come in on a ice cream mix. Yeah. Meet me at the pushy, ushy, ushy, ushka-rah, ushy, ushka-rah. What would your racist track be? Sorry?

What would your racist track be? What song is the equivalent of the pushy, pushy, pushy, pushy, pushy, ushka-rah? What's it all about, Alfie? It could be that. Is it just for the moments we share and then everybody would go oh my god alfie i've missed him so not the raw reaction which is like you just want ah we have a different young man we have a different type of charisma me and hm you do oh I could just also I could try and rebrand as the meet me at the pushy oshi oshi ashkara comedian because I'm the only one that

knows the lyrics meet me at the pushy oshi oshi ashkara isn't it it's about it's about some bloke so where are you where are we gonna meet oh the pushy the Oshie Oshie Oshie Ashkara. Where? The Oshie Ashkara. Where? The Oshie Ashkara. Okay, go on. What do you want to talk about then

for fuck's sake? Oh, it's going to be a fun one. Oh, God. Thanks for coming up. Hey, it's my absolute pleasure. fun one. Oh, God. Thanks for coming up. Hey, it's my absolute pleasure. I woke up at 6.30 this morning and hopped on a train. And it was great. Nobody's wearing masks.

Rush hour on the tube. Absolutely fine. Where are you at with that? Because I like to perform live comedy, which is one of the worst things that we could possibly be doing for the spread of the virus. But I would like us to be doing everything else

around that that means that I never have to not do that. Never have to stop gigging again. Yeah. So I want you to wear a mask. Like, it's just stop. Keep your fucking droplets to yourself. What are you doing?

Put a mask on. i know that you can't because you have silly lungs or whatever your problem is but that's what the doctor told me you got silly yeah your your lungs are stupid silly silly lungs um yeah no i'm where are you at you at your um are you a covidiot uh what's a? I don't know. I wanted to say. Is a COVID-iot. A COVID-iot is what? A COVID-iot is somebody who believes in COVID like an idiot. I don't think you helped as much as you thought you were going to there, Cal. He just looks uncomfortable.

Trying to make him comfortable. I'll kill him. Right. Is that what you're trying to make me comfortable by sneaking up behind me and wiggling a microphone about in front of my face Alfie's not comfortable come on

here we go oh shit you feel alright now no I do feel comfortable now I do feel comfortable that's very good to know I I

yeah I want to never have to stop doing stand up again because I'm a much better person when I'm allowed to get this all out. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. My argument for this is the same as why I don't really recycle.

Like, I'm not going to make any real difference, so it doesn't matter. Well, I think given, think given like recycling i understand your point to an extent uh but with the exponential spread of the disease i don't think that is necessarily true i think you would make a difference that's how the exponential disease well i was funny at the beginning but um uh but recycling i sort of agree with you what's the insulate britain have you had them up here around and about we have insulate we're running them over yeah that's why you don't hear about because that's on the m62 going people should insulate their lofts and people are just fucking

yeah yeah yeah yeah hang on is that the argument why people should insulate the loft is that what they called insulate britain that was the stupid joke that I just made. I don't really know. It makes more sense than what I imagine. I've no idea why they're called that. Yeah. I haven't done any. I've stopped reading.

Maybe it is. Maybe they're saying insulate your houses, your energy prices will go down, we'll be burning less coal. But at the same time, they seem to be quite forthright and aggressive about that, which makes me think that they're not the kind of loft conversion type. Just don't have a loft conversion or don't insulate.

What I've done is I've seen pictures and videos of these people and decided I would never want to hear what they've got to say over a pint. So I'm not going to listen to them sat on the m25 either i don't understand why why are you going up to individuals and saying you need to change what this is like there needs to be a structural like somebody tell me what to do i voted you in to tell me what to do now tell me what to do it's not my responsibility not to fly to malaga it's your responsibility to build a plane that runs off fucking swans or you know run a plane run a plane burn more swans off of the like the geese that fly into the like make a geese-fueled

plane that way when it collects all the geese in the engine yeah fuck me we got we need to and that would make flying more fun because the pilots have very like, fuck me, I need to go to the side and get some geese in the engine. Like Sonic trying to collect the rings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because ultimately it doesn't make any, oh, we need to not use plastic straws. Like if you look, and this is like, you know, statile, as you would stay up here. But if you look at how the plastic in the sea

contributors by continent, you've got, what have we got? We've got like Europe europe which on 10 percent uh australasia like 0.2 percent uh the americas that's like 11 percent and then uh china and asia with like 75 percent and that's all of industry as well all of like the burning of coal and whatnot it's all fucking them it would literally be better for the environment if Insulate Britain got on a plane, flew to China and protest there.

But they won't because they don't want to get on a plane because it's all... They don't care, really. They just want to be on the news. Well, that's, yeah, that's the thing. All these people protesting, like, Tories out, Tories out. You don't want the Tories out.

What you want to do is you want to hang out with your friends. Yeah. Because if you actually... Oh, yeah, Tories out. Okay, great. the Tories out. What you want to do is you want to hang out with your friends. Yeah. Because if you actually, oh, yeah, Tories out, okay, great. And what else? What do you want us to do? Oh, thank you for doing everything I was asking. What am I going to do this weekend now? I feel so lost.

Yeah, there's a lot of activists that I find sort of really benefit from the thing they're campaigning against being in there, like their careers benefit like people who are extremely one thing like this is what i am and i campaign for this then if they if they got that then their career goes away and they'd have to go and work in farm foods this is the interesting thing about um like the activism being a sense of industry and it's not immune to like the the capitalist like need to survive so if you write like anti like thomas picketty who wrote uh inequality and uh you know capitalism and all that capital that that book 20 pounds for a hardback so the the argument against capitalism is also a product of capitalism which means that which is why capitalism is so good because it's the only form of economic economy

where the like argument against it is also possible part of it yeah that's insane i've never thought of it that way so good isn't it it's great thanks so um you're you're a lot more well read on well everything books right yeah books and things right but like what what are you like are you at your heart a capitalist a communist or you don't really care i wouldn't want to wed my personality and i'd like i don't everybody always says or like when you hear communists say communism is actually brilliant it's like it's just it so happens that every communism is just we're just going to share everything and whether you're a doctor or a

bin man you're going to be on seven pound an hour uh essentially there are sort of uh social hierarchies that exist uh whereby it's the government gives a certain amount of power depending on but yeah that's the sort of general idea it always also like means very strict control of people uh government is everything and a lot of genocide a lot of the time. And what people will argue is that, well, it's never been tried correctly before. It's never been tried correctly before, so we should try it and do it better this time.

Surely that argument extends to capitalism, where there is not no, but less genocide. And there can be, we can incentivise companies to give green tax breaks, and there are lots of solutions. Eco-capitalism. I have nothing at my heart. I don't understand it anywhere near enough.

At least I have the smarts to understand that I know nothing. That is sort of the loose theme of what my next tour show is going to be. Here's what I think, and I haven't looked into it, but it doesn't matter because neither of you. Yeah, that's a good outlook. And even if you have, if you've truly looked into it, you shouldn't know what's right. You should be looking at both sides and going,

they're wrong and they're wrong and they're right and they're right, so let's just not do anything. This is the thing about conspiracy theorists would like things to be simple yeah because it's much more comforting to think that i'll be really great if you know all the things that were wrong in my life were actually just uh you know the jews rather than like a complex network everything yeah that's what, you know, you talk to these people and they go, yeah, it's probably the Jews, isn't it? There's a tornado on witness yesterday. Yeah, the Jews.

That's the gay Jews, specifically the gay Jews, the tornadoes. Flapping all their money around. Created some wind. In their head. That is blue sky thinking. It's just idiots, kind of racist conspiracy theories because it's comforting idiots kind of conspiracy racist conspiracy theories that

because it's comforting to believe that the things that are shit about your life and essentially you like it's not my lack of talent that it means like no conspiracy theorist has a great life yeah no conspiracy theorist is doing really really well in their job and it's like their relationship is successful and they go yeah but also the earth is flat how about david ike he was you know he was on blue peter he was doing all right he was on blue peter i don't know and he was a goalkeeper wasn't he he was a goal i know he's a footballer he played for blue peter in goal yeah did he yeah that's what david ike did yeah he was on the blue peter team what league were they in? I think they were championship at the time. Or the old league one.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Didn't know that. No, but he was doing all right. And then he went sort of a bit left. Yeah, easy to motivate your teammates when you think the opposition team are all lizards.

These are a bunch of lizards. Yes. Yes. That's inspiring stuff. No, no, they are lizard people. Is there any conspiracy theory that you've heard that you sort of believe? Fluoride in the tap water, definitely.

Fluoride in the tap water. I thought that was just a case anyway. I have no idea. I quite like the idea that the conspiracy theories are a conspiracy theory so what they've done is they've like flooded the marketplace with conspiracy theories so that the ones that are true lose all value so you kind of group together these things as conspiracy theories so the actual proliferation of conspiracy theories is a governmentated agenda to try and, like, undermine the fact that

Boris Johnson is a lizard. He just let loads of flat air result. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does make sense, though, if you think about it. It does. If you think about it, it makes sense. If you don't think about it,

it makes no sense because you'll be thinking about something else. You won't even be thinking about it. So you do need to be thinking about it. Please no sense because you'll be thinking about something else you won't even be thinking about it so you do need to be thinking about it please subscribe to the patreon fire some conspiracies at alfie i want to see what his opinion is uh okay what do you think about the pizza one go on please continue so apparently in washington yeah there's this pizza gaffe. And if you go in and ask for a specific pizza,

so maybe it's like, oh, I'll have the 12-inch pepperoni with olives. Then they take you downstairs and let you fuck some kids. Hmm. Hmm. What happens if you accidentally order that? This is on pizza.

12-inch pepperoni with olives, please. Thank you very much. Right this way, sir. Huh? No, to go. i wanted to go um i uh well i hope that one's not true um it's a very loose bastardized version of what it is what he's just said peter gate you never heard of peter gate no it's the whole hillary clinton jeffrey epstein that like there's emails between people going oh i can't wait to go to washington on the weekend and have a 12 inch pepperoni

pizza express uh well i mean the no i i don't know i i i probably don't believe that that's true. There's probably something pretty dodgy going on with, you know, when Bill Clinton was running for president, one of his advisors said, listen, this is really embarrassing, but just, you know, so we know what the press, what could potentially happen, we need to ask you how many of the women on the team,

could you just name the ones who you've slept with? And that will make our job easier just down the line, just so we know what the press can find out, can't find out what to deny, whatnot. And Bill Clinton said, right right it would be a lot quicker if I just tell you the ones that I haven't slept with he fucked everyone yeah and um but his his tastes were always you know uh the the right side of the law yeah in terms, like, Monica Linsky was young, but not like Pizza Express pepperoni 12-inch

with olives, young. I'm going to say I don't think it's a Pizza Express. No, but I, no, is that very important? Well, that could have been what Prince Andrew was doing there. Yeah. Oh, wow. I've never tied that together. Bum, bum, bum.

12, you wouldn't say 12 inches, would you? You'd just say probably a Romano. All right, a Romano. 12-inch with pepperoni olives, please, because nobody's going to order that. It's too salty. Too salty. Do you know what that's from?

No. I can't remember what that's from. Too salty. Okay, got another one. So excited to be podcasting. Do you think that George Bush knew about 9-11 in advance? No. No?

No. It's a nightmare. Why would he have known? I know what I'll be. I know what I'll throw. I'll go to talk to some kids and then have it embarrassingly whispered in my ear that I've just lost thousands of citizens

to the greatest attack on America since Pearl Harbor. But I'll be having to be all embarrassed and hunched over whilst trying to entertain some children and have my secretary go, oh, sir, everybody's dead, I'm afraid, because of the you know, the Taliban. The Taliban have humiliated you, and you've got

loads of really hard work to do now, and it's going to be a lot harder for you. Do you know what he was reading? Any possibility? Bessie Bunter? My Pet Goat. My Pet Goat! He was reading that to kids while his country was getting bummed

Oh man So you don't think America had anything To do with it No No No that That's just

Mad That just That's I mean the Pizza Express thing Like you don't know how much It's just The 9-11 thing It just

It doesn't make any sense Why would it, why? But whenever you talk to people about like why these conspiracy, everybody always says these, I was in Malaga recently and this guy goes, well, of course COVID is all a hoax.

I'm watching the cricket with him. He goes, COVID is all a hoax, isn't it? You just see his mic go, stop, not today, not today.

And he goes, it is a hoax though. And looks so naughty and he had like a tuft a tuft of white hair coming over his shirt like he was like a billy goat hang on my pet goat yes okay well there's a lot of um really top segwaying going on today in the studio. And I went, oh, that's interesting. Tell me more. And he goes, well, you know, there's a, Rainer Fulmich has done a lot of research, and he says that they can't actually locate COVID.

It doesn't exist. And I went, oh, so why, so what's happening then? And he goes, well, it's all about control, isn't it? I said, oh, okay. Could you be a bit more vague than that? That's a little bit too on the money for me. What was his actual theory? That the world just wants to control us?

Oh, that Pfizer and all the medical companies were about to go out of business so they needed to be able to have something that they could sell a cure to so they created this thing and I go okay and the government are across this and they went yeah and I went so they've just decided to take on loads of debt and like you know awfulness and done loads of hard work and also everybody everybody's got it. Like all of them, all the government have got the thing and like lost a stone. And that's like Matt Hancock's going to see

like the Marvel comic universe personal trainer to take a stone off just by the time he comes back to work. So everybody will think that he's had a kind of little bit of a wasting disease. Like it just, it's, it's complete bollocks. That was my favourite thing about getting COVID was the weight loss.

I was great. When I come out of COVID, I'm not really after a week. You're looking great actually. You reckon? Yeah. I feel a bit chunky at the minute. Yeah.

A little bit chunky. Or, not wrong with that. Maybe it's a new haircut. And you've done, I've just, I went through a little phase of doing my beard line.

Uh-huh. Like contouring for men. Yes. And I liked that a little phase of doing my beard line, like contouring for men. Yes. And I liked that a lot. It made me feel, but then I'm too lazy. Well, what happened was I had me promo pictures for my new tour taken on, what day did we do? Tuesday.

What's it called? The tour's called Imperious. And the day before, when i got confirmed i was getting my photos done i text my barber i've got a barber and i don't really trust anyone else to do it including in the same shop i was like can you do me tomorrow in the morning before i go to the studio and he was like got no time um so i woke up and thought i'll just leave me here i'll do something with that and then i'll just clip my beard myself i've got some beard clippers in the house and they died after like one they just stopped and i couldn't get them working again so i just texted barbara and was like you're gonna have to at least do me beard for me and i went and

he was like he went just sit in the chair he said to his next customer i'm just gonna do adam's beard i'll be five minutes and then he was like so why did you need this doing so urgently today and i was like i'm getting my photos done and he without asking he just went at me here he was just like i'll just do it for you because he's a top guy hey lovely man now what a nice barber yeah um yeah no you look um you are on tour early next year We might as well give that a good old mention. Hi, lids. I'm going on tour. Yeah, I'm going on tour in... Well, I've got my Soho Theatre run, so any London lids that wanted to come and see me at the Soho Theatre

from the 8th to the 13th of November. And then I'm on tour in February and March all over the kingdom of Great Britain and and northern ireland sick and dublin do you enjoy doing your own tour more than doing like club work yes yeah yeah yeah definitely but i mean i'm i it's a it's a different thing like when you do club work you've really got to you've got to put your foot on their throat and not let it off. Less so than you used to, I think. And I kind of miss the frantic, like I could die at any minute nature of club work.

The junglers, staggy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Cardiff Oceana junglers having to really get into it with a hen party. And having them like physically manhandle me and the other day at the Bristol Comedy Box

when somebody threatened to glass me I listened to this story on your podcast you've got a podcast the Alfie Brown show lids truly a great podcast and if you are looking

to add a new podcast to your rotation and it was number one in stand-up comedy podcasts it was the good thing about iTunesup comedy podcasts. It was. The good thing about iTunes is they've got enough sub-genres that everybody is number one of something. So I was number one in my whatever, you know.

And some people are just number one across all genres, like we were for four hours last week. From Sonny Runcorn in the Have A Word studios. It's, it's, it's, my podcast is the, I refer to it as the

best comedy podcast in the UK south of Watford Gap Services. Which is of course a nod to yourself, isn't it? Because you're north of Watford Gap Services.

We are. Thank you. Just slightly. On the subject of the rowdy club thing, I did the, the frog last week another frog and bucket me and dan have spoke about this before gets a bit of a bad rap amongst certain comics for

being really rowdy and difficult to play at times last week uh was the rowdiest that because i've always denied that i've been like just you just play it you got to play for what it is and understand what you're playing and accept that that's what it is and then you'll have a good gig as long as you approach it that way the frog last weekend like i won but it was a fight and i also was in the situation where so i've started closing for the frog a couple of years ago now and i'm often the youngest and or the least experienced act on the bill despite being on at the end when you said one there i thought you meant the frog they get me back for eight next week yeah um but what had happened was so the way they book it is that the middle act is often the either an actor who's a bit different a quirky act or

who the frog consider to be the newer actor we could act on the bill that's what the middle is tend to be used for sure the middle had dropped out so the middle's last weekend on the friday it was justin moore house who is as mank as they come as experienced as they come a proper club comic and destroyed the place in the middle and on the saturday it was deliso chiponda who did the exact same thing so it they had that in the middle. And on the Saturday, it was Deliso Chiponda who did the exact same thing. So they had that in the middle. And then by the time I got on, there's just people chatting everywhere.

But you come out of those gigs. So the reason I asked you the question before, or not the reason, but a sort of spin-off for the conversation, is like, I love touring, but I'd never want to just do it. Because I came away from that weekend, which was was on the

face of it the toughest weekend I've had at the Frog in three or four years but it was also my favorite weekend I've had in the Frog because when you come out of those gigs like if a gig's lovely and nice and you smash it that's great but you there's sort of a party of me that goes well any decent comic should have been able to play that room and do well there. Whereas when it's a bare pith, when you come out having had done well, I feel like, oh, I'm actually really good at this and I can handle myself. I sort of have a similar thing whereby I have,

I mean, with stand-up, and I think a lot of stand-ups, I mean, we're all so incredibly precious about what is stand-up and what constitutes stand-up and is that person a stand-up or is what they're doing technically stand-up and what constitutes stand-up and is that person a stand-up or is what they're doing technically stand-up or whatever argument or bickering we're doing, you know, either with each other or online. And there's like a Tracey Emin thing whereby like she's allowed to piss the bed

and go have a look at that because she can draw brilliantly freehand. She's earned the right to piss the bed and go have a look at that because she can draw brilliantly freehand she's earned the right to piss the bed and go have a look at that art because she can draw for and it's the it's the basis in what traditionally would constitute art that gives her the right to do that whatever that is and i possibly think maybe the same thing is true you need to be able to close the frog to be able to have your you know mewling self-regarding stand-up power that you're doing uh on tour which of course mine is yeah the tracy emmond thing because you've brought it up we've spoken about this two or three times yeah on the show so

Dan loves it yeah the bed thing oh does he love it and I think she got to the week before and panicked

do you know when you get to like the second week of July and you haven't finished your day for a show right and then we've been sent quite a lot recently so an artist was given like

the number might be wrong but like a hundred thousand pound commission yeah to do a thing for an art installation and he gave them a blank canvas and called it the blank canvas you call it uh take your money and run yeah he called it take the money and run and it was just nothing and people were like oh Adam's going to be pissed off with this I'm telling you right now that is genius that is art because he's took the piss properly and he knows that artist

knows what he's doing and he knows that everyone else knows what he's doing he's taken the piss out of art wankers who are like oh so thoughtful he's just gone I'll just give them that and I'll keep all the money Tracey Emin

is a fucking liar but that's now worth a lot of money probably that's how all of this stuff started it's Duchamp like had a France manager

yeah Didier Duchamp he's a very very old man and in the early 21st century he was actually an artist before he was a central defensive midfielder and and latterly a rather underwhelming um manager of footballers despite the fact that he's won everything he's just quite boring teams to anyway abolish international football that's a side point the point is uh that uh he was going to his exhibition

and he went round down the road and bought a urinal, like a piss trough, and went, that's what anything's art. I'm an artist, so it's art. So this whole point that art can be anything if an artist says you need to regard this as art, I take this and I say this is actually about feudal economics.

And then you go, ooh, I'm now looking at at the pen not as a pen but something like within the context of somebody who's told me it's about it's bollocks it's absolute bollocks and it is boring and i don't like tracy i was i was using the tracy emin example as a way to think about what validates and i believe that you know she's like what it earns you the right you know having that basis that foundation in what might traditionally be called art gives you the right to explore elsewhere i'm not necessarily a fan of her and even less so damien hurst who is um i think the worst of uh all of them dropping the base of your voice i mean that is and the whole argument i used to have a bit when i was a very young and angry and didn't really care about commercial viability, even less so now than now.

I'm an artist, so it makes it art. That's good, isn't it? I would go, hey, hey, hey, I'm a baker. This is a bun. Because I am a baker and I say that this is a bun. Do you want to? No, it's disgusting,

isn't it? Doesn't function as a bun in any way, shape or form, but I am a baker. Bun. It just doesn't make. Ouch. Anyway.

Yeah, no, I completely agree with you that it strikes me as very, and that is really funny the thing about it got to the week before the show and she because i think a lot of edinburgh shows are like that as well yeah yeah oh yeah no it's no it's it's it's it's actually storytelling yeah every stand-up who goes to edinburgh has a storytelling show what that means is i lost confidence in myself in March.

There's a lot of comics bringing their mum in, like, late July and be like, have any of our relatives died this decade? Like a great aunt who I could pretend meant something to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to do an Edinburgh show about my great-great-uncle J. Be Bez Tunnicliffe, from Leeds, who started a group called the Band of Hope, which was men in their 20s were drinking their pay,

becoming alcoholics, and their families were starving. Their kids and their wives were starving. So my great-great-great-uncle from Leeds, J. Bez Tunnicliffe, started this thing called the band of hope which uh got young men off of um uh alcohol booze and uh you know put the money back into the families and a great man so i'm going to do an edinburgh show that's sort of all cry about how much i miss this guy from the 1800s. But also I want to get the message that I'm really from up north.

That's what I really want to let everybody know. You really want to get that in, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the heart of you. My soul, I might have the voice of a weak and feeble southerner, but I have the voice of a weak and feeble southerner yeah but i have the heart and soul uh of a a rich north soiled boy you said something to me once that or it might have been in your

show imagination which is also on youtube and very very very good okay lids um the in fact last time alfie was on the show on a patreon episode i think it was we told everyone to go and watch a special and comment the words bum nuggets on it and there's quite a lot of them because there is and i actually sort of regret it now that there are so many because i thought oh it'd be funny if there's five I didn't think like there would be like there's there's there's there might be a hundred of those like it's insane they just kept coming and I think that YouTube now thinks that like I have created loads of YouTube accounts and I'm just trying to like hike myself up the algorithm like going bum nuggets like I'm like absolutely munted myself up the algorithm, like going bum nuggets, like I'm absolutely munted on scotch in my bedroom,

creating all these separate YouTube accounts and writing bum nuggets underneath my own special to try and hoik the algorithm up. So what you're saying to 50,000 idiots is don't go to your special imagination and comment bum nuggets on it. Comment something else. Comment, hi Alffie love your work

love you say just you know just say well say that you want to like snog my dick or something there we go let's say that go and watch alfie brown's special imagination on youtube and say oh my god he's so funny i want to snog his dick yeah and then i like imagine because not don't want to suck me off you want to go like you want to get off with my dick like it was a man's face that you liked but it's a cock and you want to get off with it i love sorry my girlfriend's been away for a week it's nice when your girlfriend goes away because you really get to catch up on your wanking i think you do and then you And then you think, oh, I missed you. Yeah.

And then you get really quickly bored of that and want some per se again. Yes, it's nicer. It's at the very least wetter and warmer. Yes. I was talking to my missus about this last night, actually. There we go. Do you ever have a lubey one?

Thank you for the sound effect uh that helped me travel to the uh the the place in my mind where i could access that memory um yeah yeah sometimes yeah if there's a if there's a if i buy yeah I think whenever I masturbate it's sort of like an emergency so it's very like I can't reach for the

I don't plan these things and then also I don't want to do you know it's enough trouble having to do aftercare with an actual partner that you have sex with

and you don't want to just lie there in your own sugary cock syrup do you absolutely don't this is what I was talking so me and sam had a little uh a little game of five aside last night and then uh we also went go-kart who won that what who won that um she finished first did she five aside did she yeah hang on what

Did she? Hang on. What? It's a euphemism, innit? Yeah, she come, and then later on I did. A footy? Yeah. It's a euphemism, innit?

Yeah. No euphemisms on this pod, lad. Straight talking fucking sex chat, that's what we're having. Fucking euphemism. So you came on a lot. That wasn't me, by the the way for the audio listeners that was alfie yes i'm a fucking vocal chameleon um we uh we were talking afterwards about uh self-gratification and she was talking about the fact like we've got a little bullet vibrator in the drawer and a big fucking wand and she's like i just don't bother with them because i can just do it just as quick but it is better with the little

bulletty one and i was like yeah it's the same for me like a luby a luby one is so much better but it's just it's like you've made your dinner and you've already sat on the couch with it and you're comfy and you've got a plate with like a roast dinner on your lap and it needs a bit of salt but you can't be arsed getting back up to get the salt even though it would make the dinner better you're just like oh I'll just eat it it'll still satisfy me mainly have you ever used a fleshlight

I haven't but we've had someone get in touch with the podcast to sponsor us because they make fuckable tinga tinga tinga tinga tales from Africa Is that who it is? No That's actually, I've fused two things

together there listener What I've done is I've taken Tenga Tenga Tenga Tenga Tales from Africa a cartoon that my children watch with the sex toy brand Tenga That's if I had I do have a podcast but if I was that the sort of podcast where sex brands were getting in touch with me saying

listen do you want to use our fleshlight and then talk about how good it feels to wank into our plastic um exactly what the email said it's almost like you rose it. I got one. And I was dating a girl who worked in the industry. And she gave me some eggs, Tenga eggs, which are like, you know, it's like a disposable fleshlight. And I mean, so empowering. Good. Oh, my God. It's enough, you know, it really, all of these modern inventions, the iPhone and now the Tenga egg,

are really helping me realise that I never need to see anybody ever again. I could just buy a studio flat and like sit on Twitter and wank into my egg. That's my Thursday. I don't think we're going to round off this section in any better way than that. That's what we want to do as adult males.

Could you press that red button? We'll have a quick break for the money twats. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie is this real this is an add this oh for the match for the merch that you're wearing get one of these ones but when you buy it get one that fits you they come in different sizes but i would definitely maybe order one size up unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy girl starter bra have a word pod dot com

is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking

pedo get some merch but he can't help himself but look at them look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it

I like you I think you look good fucking pathetic but you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here.

Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com if you can't read. Get on me. So you were just saying you would like to press a button. Yeah, I don't know what. See that slider next to the buttons?

Oh, you've got to press the slider up. Push the slider up. Push it up to the tape. Go on, go for it. Yeah. Do you know sometimes when I'm with Jesse, how many fun sort of like couple in jokes that you do? So one of my favourites,

and I think it's quite telling because all of your funny couple in jokes are very rarely funny to other people. So I'm constantly explaining. We could easily prove that right now. I could give you one of mine out of context. Okay, cool. You could give me one of yours out of context.

Okay, cool. So every time anyone near me and Sam mentions the name Martin or Marty, we go... That's nice. I like that that that's cute though that's really sweet i'm blowing a kiss to martin luther king that's nice i like that yeah that's really dead he's dead yeah yeah famously famously dead um uh i'm gonna give me one of yours yeah uh when i'm sitting with jesse and we're just like watching the TV or whatnot, I'll just start staring at her really affectionately.

Like I've just noticed something new about her. And I touch her gently on the wrist and say, you know who you look like today? And she'll go, who? And I'll say, Baby P. What a niche reference. And it's the funniest thing. Nothing makes me laugh more than that.

She falls for it every time. She goes, oh yeah, who do I look like today? You look like baby Pete. What's one of yours? I don't know. We've got loads. We can't put a nail on the head of thinking about one. I know one of yours.

Go on. I've had my eel. Oh shit, loads. We can't put a nail on the head of thinking about one. You've got... I know one of yours. Go on. I've had my eel. Oh, shit, yeah. Yeah? What's that? We were in Japan, and Serica doesn't like fish. Oh, yeah. I mean, we got a set meal.

A set. When you go for something to eat, it's a set. And one of them was eel. But the one after it, she liked, which was a dessert. And I went, you can't not eat it. So she ate the eel, which she didn't like. I went, you can't not eat it. So she ate the eel, which she didn't like. And I went,

right, give me dessert, now I've eaten my eel. So now, eat my eel means I've done something I don't want to do. Yeah, yeah,

so I get my nice thing. Yeah. That's a good thing, yeah, Jesse says eat your frog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, that's just an expression, it's nothing to do with anything like that. So like, oh, I've watched something I want to watch,

she's like, no, no, I want to watch something I want to watch and I'll eat a meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really sweet. That's really sweet. I'm actually in the middle of writing a book called Why I'm No Longer Talking to Japanese People About Dairy.

Just refuse to do it, you know? I won't learn. Should I explain dairy to them again, you know? Fuck, you want to learn about dairy? Learn about it yourself. It's not my responsibility as a Westerner to teach you about dairy.

It's a long book. Really? It's going to be lots of people on Instagram beginning rereading it going, I'm actually educating myself. Do you think you'll ever actually write a book i can imagine you should write a book you've surely written a book um i refuse to believe you no never wrote a book i think you might have the highest books read to books written ratio in the world therefore uh you what you think we live in an age of people getting book deals before

they've read any books is that what you're saying that seems to be the kind of like the the the trajectory for most stand-ups now as it goes like you know you go uh you know london the open mic circuit london clubs the club circuit edinburgh tour book deal cancelled or whatever it is that you know you do like whatever your book deal is there so many but like and jesse my partner my common law wife the mother of my children has written a book but it's a novel so you don't get too many comedians writing novels i don't think yeah comedians tend to write like me yeah here's a book about me and my like a quirk about it's like a big edinburgh show yeah how often do you read books how often do i read like how often do you finish a book and start again you used to be a big reader when you were younger didn't you yeah

but not anymore i went when i during lockdown i couldn read. I just completely lost the will to live. It's one of the lesser known COVID side effects. I just couldn't be, like, what's the point? We're all locked indoors. Who am I reading for? Like, I mean, I didn't get any pleasure from it because it was- That does imply that you're currently, like, going around Hyde Park, just getting people to sit down and reading for them.

There are some books that I don't want to read in public. Mein Kampf. No, I'd read your Kampf, actually. I'd be happy to read your Kampf. Mein Kampf, your Kampf, we all camp for mine camp uh no um i i've got the woody allen uh book apropos of nothing but also just books that the thing like david foster wallace who's a great novelist and brilliant mind and he's now been cast with this don't date a man who likes david foster because they're all, you know, it's become one of the affectations

for sort of straight white men. Like listening to Joe Rogan's podcast. That's another one, isn't it? Oh, he listens to Joe Rogan. Don't go near him then. He probably wants to kill elk and do DMT with Jordan Peterson. Why would, that sounds great.

with Jordan Peterson. Why would... That sounds great. Kill elk and take GMT with Jordan Peterson. I don't particularly like Jordan Peterson, but I would love to kill an elk with him. I'm a vegan. And I would love to kill an elk with Jordan Peterson. Oh, I've got the elk here.

Silly little voice. That's Elmo. No, but he's got a silly, I can't do him, but you know he's got a silly voice. You know what I mean? That is silly voice. The elk is dead. Not Elmo, it's Camus.

Oh, no, it's Mickey Mouse. He does, he sounds like Mickey. Oh, you gotta make your bed in the morning. That's for damn sure. Why are you so good at Mickey Mouse? Oh, well, the gender pay gap's greatly exaggerated. No, I believe equality of opportunity, not equality of outcome.

That's what I believe. Oh, Minnie, you be quiet. I'm not being antagonistic. There's multivariate research on this topic. Now, give me those entrails. I'm hungry for entrails. All the vitamins you can ever want. Yum, yum, yum.

It's fun, isn't it that was fantastic um so uh yeah yeah i would love to do that uh yeah joe rogan is one but like yeah so david foster wallace is like the intellectual or jonathan franzen uh that's become like a red flag for people if you like Jonathan Franzen. But to answer your question, I'm back into it now. So I'm reading more. It depends. I read The Parade by Dave Eggers recently and that took

a week because it's very, very short. And I'm reading The Secret History by Donna Tartt now. And it'll take forever because it's fucking long. So there's no real, but I want to keep. But I mean, you like back-to-back read,

like chain read. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to wait for the films. The Secret History is coming out in 2023. Is it?

Yeah. Is it? Is it? It's So perfect. What was that one? Chat. So we've had some questions specifically for you. Oh.

Or with you in mind of being on the show. My favourite one that came in quite quickly is from matt tobert or tobert something like that mark matt matt and his surname is t-o-b-t-o-b-t-t tobert tobert tobert would you rather have alfie's accent in everyday life, but then Adam's in bed, or Adam's in everyday life and then Alfie's in bed. Now, I think, personally, you've got to have mine in everyday life and yours in bed, because otherwise I feel like a lot of women will feel like they were tricked into having sex with a scouser. Well, as somebody who isn't a great uh talker in the bedroom but i and whenever

like first of all i don't want anybody to ever go oh what do you want just well let's all just work it out do you know i mean like we're trying to do this i want to forget that language exists this is a primal experience i do talking for a job i don't want to have that language exists. This is a primal experience. I do talking for a job. I don't want to have to talk you through this. Let's just fucking discover it as we go. But I'm also very bad at dirty talk. I love it. No, I'm too eloquent for it.

No, I think your voice lends. I would say, no, I would say something like, I am replete with cum. That would turn me on. Yeah? Yeah. Okay. I want you to suck me so hard

that my bottom breathes in. What are you about to say? Oh, I know that emotion as well. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wolf it down, please, bitch. That's not me. Anyway, no i think um i'd rather have your voice uh in everyday life because i think it would be more likely

that i get a gig presenting the one show one day um and then you know i could want yeah well it'd just be nice to have the option you know is that what you want yeah well it'd just be nice to have the option you know and then maybe me and Alex Jones have an affair and I'm going come on Alex let's go for a fucking coffee

and she goes oh that'd be very nice thanks very much for the coffee Alfie I liked your presenting on the one show today it was nice to talk

to Michael Ball again about his upcoming project and I go welcome to you guys do you want to go presenting on the one show today. It was nice to talk to Michael Ball again about his upcoming project. And I'd go, Welcome to you guys. Do you want to go all together or what? She'd go, Oh, yes, please.

That sounds lovely. And I'd go, Hello, lovely. As soon as we were under the sheets. And she'd go, What? Because she'd made a similar deal. But with Danny Dyer.

Is there an accent? Obviously, you're in a very committed relationship. Yeah. But if jesse left if jesse was gone jesse left with the children moved to the congo to start an avocado farm um and took the kids with her because they wanted to go they were like dad we love you jesse's gone jesse's gone okay right yeah why did they all go to africa and start a business yeah mate oh yeah and i don't think they have avocados there they do when jesse gets there face to the market what is this

this pair has a big pip and it is green it is multi what you're crazy woman all this time I've spent mining minerals for iPhones and you are coming here with this pear

and squeezing a lime on it it's not nice but the point is Jesse's gone Jesse's gone Jesse's gone and's gone Jessie's gone And if you were Sort of given

A genie comes down And goes right We're gonna Create your perfect woman She can look exactly How you want her to look We don't need to go into that But what accent

Do you want her to have And it's gonna be This accent forever So is there an accent That you would love On a lady I think like a husky wee belfast accent yeah i think like a husky way i'll tell you like gorgeous today i think that'd be great for a week

and a half i think you underestimate my passion about the vile signs that the vile vile signs that endless source of joy jay jay to me um uh yeah something like that. Or southern, like southern American. Yeah. Hi there, sir. I can't wait to show you what's underneath this corset here. Like, you know, take me to the ball. Take me to your balls and, you know, whatever, you know?

He came up with your thing. Like, you know, you know he came up with you know like you know whatever or Spanish I love your cock that's good isn't it I love I love your cock she's repeating it

she didn't get it I don't think you understand I love your cock I'm from Espen You've got a very good accent Thanks Carl What would you What are you asking for

I want a 280 pound black woman With a Chinese accent For example I think that would be good for about a week i think it'd be great forever every time you meet someone new like no no watch this listen lisa lisa that's her first answer name by the way lisa

yeah yeah well it's one of those chinese names that she has to have because you know white people can't so like it's you know her real name is

loutu or something like that i've seen i've seen a thing recently that said statistically there is a white guy who moved with his

parents to china for work and has been brought up in China and now speaks English fluently, but in a Chinese accent and everyone just thinks he's an asshole. Oh yeah, like white Jamaicans. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hilarious. Yeah, it's great stuff. I, did I ever tell you about the time that I slept with a woman from Zimbabwe and then upset her greatly no well i was at crowbar i had just broken up with my girlfriend and i was staying in a friend's flat now the friend was a rich kid whose father was a maitian diplomat. He had gone away to move into his new better flat.

And I had his bedroom, which was still furnished with all of his, like the son of a Mauritian diplomat stuff. Now, they're full of trinkets and from like little special decorations from business trips that his father's been on. I go out one night to Crowbar. I meet this girl. She's really, really wonderful. Her name is Sarah. She's a philosophy grad from the UCL who was 33 years old,

and she'd moved there with her child after being into an arranged marriage when she was younger and then renouncing her Christianity, starting up in philosophy. Really, really amazing, interesting, beautiful, beautiful woman from zimbabwe um and uh and and robust and um and a lovely large uh frame um and we got back to my flat yeah um

i love i loved her. She was really funny as well. And she came back. We had sex, full sex. And she was very funny afterwards. She said, me and you are going to have the most beautiful babies. And I went, right, I see. And she went, or we would, if it was not for the coil in my womb.

And I went, yeah, fair play. That's good stuff. And then she said, what do you do? And I said, I'm a stand-up comedian. She went, can I come and see you? And I went, yes, I'm currently doing a run at the Soho Theatre. And she booked. Like, what a power move.

She, naked in bed to me, after having just slept to me one night, booked tickets for tomorrow night with her mate. Anyway, whilst she was sort of wondering about my room having a little look around she noticed that one of the diplomatic trinkets that had been left behind was actually a signed decorative plate from robert mugabe and she looked at it like naked just stood up staring at this signed plate in this white guy's bedroom so uh excuse me i'd be why do you have this signed plate from this white guy's bedroom. I said, excuse me, Alfie, why do you have a signed plate from Robert Mugabe in your bedroom?

And I went, oh, I sort of forgot that was there. You forgot a signed plate from Robert Mugabe was in your bedroom? You come and you take a black guy from Zimbabwe back to your house and you forget that you have a signed plate? How do you get a signed plate from Robert Mugabe and forget? forget he did some very bad things to my people you know that don't you and i went yes sir i'm really sorry about it i just i didn't know like what was going on anyway there's no um brilliant end to the story other than to say i think that's a pretty good end to the story. Just two empty seats at your show. No, she came. She absolutely loved it. And Jesse came to the same show

and we organised to go on a date that night. And then I slept with and impregnated Jesse the week afterwards. So she didn't have a coil. She didn't have a coil in her womb, famously. No. No, she said that she was infertile so that I wouldn't be able to get her pregnant

so do be vigilant boys um because i actually have three children now and my life is not mine anyway ask me a fucking question then come on could you uh please just because i i know you do it on are you doing the coronavirus deal with jesse story in your new show yeah yeah okay very good go and see the show i was about to ask you to tell that story but i don't want you to do that if it's in the show well that's because there are people who are gonna go and see your show so on the subject of pound and puss um i feel like that isn't good for my brand I do feel like there's moments on this podcast where our styles clash If you had to choose between

Just Foreplay The screech It's better than that than Danny If you had to choose between Just foreplay or just sex forever, what would you choose? Surely you've got children, so it's foreplay, isn't it? It is foreplay, yeah. It is foreplay.

But, I mean, if you weren't having sex, it would just be play, wouldn't it? But, yeah. It's true. You can't say that to your missus should we have a play you're trying to do a play with me a bit of play come on wet play let wet play exactly yeah yeah lovely bit of play I think the pinnacle we sort of mentioned the pre-show the pinnacle

of sexual activity as a 69 no no no I'd go sex me would you

yeah see you can control it more and you can do more things I think I think you do less things no but I mean in different positions you can control it more and you can do more things I think you do less things No but I mean in different positions You can control it more I think

Does anal count as sex or foreplay? Sex I don't think anybody Anybody Goes Warm up Should we have a little Peritif

Maybe a little warm up A little mo little amuse-bouche, a little amuse-ass. A little turn, a little smattering of the anal before we really start cracking on with the meat of the business. It's like going to a restaurant and saying, I'd like the pasta for the main. And to start, I'll have a tomahawk, please. Just a little tomahawk to whet the main. And to start I'll have a tomahawk. Just a little tomahawk to whet the appetite. Or I have my little pasta gnocchi

before I go. Garcon, the cream of cum for me please. The cream of cum. Ooh. Both gone foreplay? Sorry? Both gone foreplay. I think, think no i think i'd have to go sex because i would like to be a father at one point so at this point to be like one point and then not again

that was a fun couple of months baby okay anyway i'm off to the congo uh jesse said she wants my help with an avocado scheme. This is fun. Go on then. Okay. Sorry for snorting my thing.

Okay. So on the subject of our families we got a question from Jake Garrett that says

wag wag lids. I was just talking to my dad the other day about comedy and he mentioned how annoying it must be for the family of comics when they're involved in the jokes. And it got me wondering, do any of your family or friends say stuff like, don't turn this into a bit when something happens? Are they being serious as well?

Do some of them simply not like your comedy? Like they appreciate that some people do really enjoy it and they can see why it would be funny, but it just doesn't do it for them. Has this ever caused any arguments when someone has said they don't think you're that funny, etc.? And do people ever get truly pissed off with being involved in your jokes?

I think you're both class and everything, but obviously comedy is subjective, and not for everyone, so it just got me thinking, love your work, lads, can't wait to see you live soon. That's from Jake Garrett. So...

Thanks, Jake Garrett. Thank you. Jesus. lads can't wait to see you live soon that's from jake garrett so thanks jake garrett thank you jesus um i find it quite annoying and quite arrogant when you meet some i met these guys in lisbon they've flown over from the city chelsea champions league final and they're like all right so uh oh oh i hope i don't end up in one of your sketches. And I thought, I'm not going to fucking remember who you are tomorrow. Let alone you ending up in one of my sketches. I don't do sketches. It's stand-up, okay? I'm not a fucking loser.

I'm not sketches like a fucking dweeb. And also, who are you? Oh, you'll never guess what, paying audience, but I met some nondescript bloke from Manchester who i've forgotten about is that good enough for you no who cares about you you nobody cares about you um i he was actually really really nice and i remember him quite well i do struggle to not tell people how unfunny a situation is when they say things like that like it's normally like extended

family or friends of friends and they found out you're a comic and like they'll drop their pint or they'll spill a bit like i'm gonna end up in your next show you won't because but it is literally that innocuous and it happens all the time and i i struggle to go not go you won't mate this isn't even remotely funny even to me and i'm here like i've seen it happen like some things you have to be there and this is one of those things that even if you're there doesn't matter and i really struggle to not say that out loud um i think the real meat of this question now is i know you've spoke about like jesse on stage i talk about my missus a lot a lot of my material throughout my life as a stand-up has been either girlfriend or ex-girlfriend material depending on what stage of

my life i'm in does jesse ever go i don't fucking like that bit and you need to stop doing it or have you got family or friends who've done a similar thing uh as somebody uh who has been uh a i've been in one of her sketches um as she's done um she's done uh shows, comedy shows, one-woman shows, that have been brilliant, but have on two occasions been mainly based around me, to the extent that her last show, Sunrise, featured a key moment in the middle where she inquired to the paying audience every single night thousands and

thousands and thousands of people has anyone here fucked alfie brown uh to the so that's my full name isn't it that's my full name and that's has anybody here and nobody ever said and it's because me and jesse when we were broken up went to an an STD clinic and she went, well, I've got a new boyfriend. I need to go to an STD clinic. You're fucking as many people as you possibly can. Like there's a kind of prize at the end or something. So you need to go to an STD clinic. Definitely.

Especially given I know what you're like with condoms, nodding to the children. And I went, OK, yeah, fine. Fair enough. We went to the STD clinic together. and I went, okay, yeah, fine, fair enough. We went to the STD clinic together, and going to an STD clinic is funny because the awkward white woman in the room needs to ask you these questions

but hates having to ask them to you, so it's hoping that you cut her off. So have you been having unprotected sex recently? And you go, yeah, that's why I'm here. Has, right, okay. Right, okay. And have you had a sex with anybody from africa uh or asia uh recently and i went yeah yeah actually uh upset one of them and then she goes right Right so you've had Unprecedented

Is it the Southern Africa That's fine Right and were they Were they Were they Were they black Were they black

And Yeah very much so actually We better swab your cock Then mister Anyway I came out Clean and fresh As a daisy Thank you very much indeed

Jessie has syphilis Weirdly No Jessie's fine Jessie's clean as well Anyway, I came out clean and fresh as a daisy. Thank you very much indeed. Jessie has syphilis, weirdly. No, Jessie's fine. Jessie's clean as well. This just amuses me. She might have caught, like, Victorian STD. You've got syphilis. You've been fucking a Victorian rent boy in the mouth for ages.

So, yeah, on our walk home across London Bridgeon bridge or whatever bridge it was waterloo bridge maybe um i went oh hello hi and waved to some girl and jesse went who was that who was that and i went nobody have you had sex with her and we just so happened to have walked past somebody that i'd fucked in the not too recent, not too distant past. And that ended up with her asking the audience every night, has anyone here fucked Alfie Brown? And. I remember coming to see your show that year in Edinburgh.

Yeah. When Jesse was doing Sunrise and you, was it Imagination or the one before? Lunatic. Lunatic. I remember being in the queue for your show and there was two really lovely, like, young girls in the queue in front of me. Maybe they were like 20 or something.

And I'm just stood there on my own because, like, in Edinburgh, as a comic, you'll often go and watch your friend or any performance show solo. And they were just like, are you on your own? Just being friendly. And I was like, yeah, I am, yeah.

She was like, have you seen Jesse's show? And I was like, no, I am, yeah. She was like, have you seen Jessie's show? And I was like, no, have you? She went, yeah, we went to see Jessie's the other night and thought, well, we've got to see both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got to see both. Loads of people came to mind expecting it was going to be my side of the story.

And I'm like, no, I don't really care that much. She's just, you know, believe whatever she says, I don't mind. But yeah, I have, I was uncomfortable with, what that did was the show being about the breakup from me having a puppet made of my head and having her have conversations with it on stage and having had so many thousands of people it was a much more popular show than i could ever do i couldn't i couldn't sell that many tickets um so it sort of makes you feel like your life is not your own slightly because she's providing the narrative of your own existence to people without you really getting to have a say in

it so i do understand people's discomfort with me having but now it means i can get away with anything and she can say absolutely nothing and she has said that bit where you talk about you know i've got a bit about um being a parent and how awkward it is having to go down on somebody in the same room as a baby monitor because you'll never quite, you'll never kind of lose yourself to it. And anyway, an act out ensues. And she went, do you have to do that bit? And I went, yeah, because you asked 2,000 people,

has anyone here fucked Alfie Brown? So yeah, we live in a world of mutually assured destruction. And essentially we understand that honesty is to be, you know, preferred above all else, to be prized, to be celebrated in what we do. So it's a kind of concession that we both just make. I've told every girl I've ever ended up in a relationship with within two to three dates,

if this becomes serious, you are sort of signing over your rights of our life for my material. I make that very clear early on. I talk about my life. I'll be brutally honest and sometimes beyond honest and into hyperbole and bollocks and I'll exaggerate things that make you or me look worse

than we are for the sake of humour and that's going to happen and you need to be okay with it or this is never going to work. And I always set that out so early on because it's just, it's what I do and I'm going to continue to do it

and there's no relationship that's going to get in the way how was that taken in your most in your current relationship she was like yeah yeah sounds and then there's been

two bits one where she was like I don't think that's funny but whatever and another bit she was like I want you to change this a bit and I was like well I'm going to change it a bit anyway

because I don't like it but you actually don't get to do that and she was like you know what yeah fair enough what was the bit that she didn't think was funny so i it will be in my new show but it's it's a routine about how i get told i'm punching above my weight oh i've seen it's good yeah but there was a bit in it early on i know oh yeah yeah yeah also... Yeah. And she was like,

and I was like, well, I've noticed that actually. So, yeah. I'll change it on my terms. That's really funny. Okay, yeah. No, I wondered. Oh, that'll be in.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, go on. Lids, you've got a treat in store. Please, you know. So, as you... We're going to take a break now before we bring

international rapper and battle rap superstar Shotty Horror into the studio where he will join us and we'll talk to him. Before we do that, could you please let everyone know

where they can get tickets for your Soho Theatre run and the tour in general? AlfieBrownComedian.com Pretty sure is what my website's called. Everything there? Yeah. And Soho starts in November. and so it starts november the 8th uh please also seeing as a lot of you might be on youtube if you wouldn't

mind subscribing to my youtube channel that would do me the world of good so if you think i deserve a favor i'd love that that channel is alfie. It's all, everything I do is alfiebrowncomedian.com or forward slash from whatever. Cool. And as you've seen at the start of the show, Patreons, you get early access

to my tour show on Wednesday the 27th of October. And public people, Friday the 29th, 10 a.m. Some of these rooms are quite small. If you do want to get tickets,

maybe just set an alarm for 5 to and get some tickets 10am on Friday and I will see where's your London date Leicester Square Theatre when is it

it is the it's the Saturday the 20 something of April whatever the Saturday is of that week amazing I look forward to it

yes I'm very excited about that so please get some tickets we will take a break now and we'll see Shottie and Alfie and me back in just

well a second or two for you after this advert from some cunts who give us money to talk shit you press that button you know there's a disturbance in the force

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within the performance package 4.0 and then sealed the deal with Manscaped's liquid formulations. Their crop preserver ball deodorant for before leaving the of this kit within the performance package 4.0 and then seal the deal with Manscaped's liquid formulations. Their crop preserver ball deodorant for before leaving the house and the crop reviver ball toner. Manscaped even throw in two free gifts with every performance package 4.0. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD20. Treat yourself. Go around the house, see what else you can shave, but shave everything carl can you shave pets don't shave you pets balls just use it on yourself 20 off plus free shipping at manscape.com using the code word 20 all right uh hello welcome back to part three of

four of this week's halfway podcast i'm here with comedian here with comedian Alfie Brown. Hi, how's it going? Producer Karl over there. And Shottie Falkenhorror is sat on a sofa. Shottie Horror. Press that applause button. Oh, press the applause button. Sorry, that's my first time I've been behind on the buttons today. Sorry about that. Could you press it again so it stops? Fine, fine, don't press it again.

Thanks for coming in. Nice one, finally. You were saying just before we started that you want to stuff a million steds up your darts and become that big. Yeah, I've been training for a good bit now, a year and a half. Trying to bulk up.

Yeah, I'm there, I think. You're looking big, Lee. Yeah, you've got lovely arms, it has to be said. Thank you, thank you. The gains are doing good, but I'm just an impatient man, and I think it might be time for a big fucking Trembloni sandwich

and drogyness hormones. And you're not worried about little dick syndrome? No. Massive dick. dick loads of spare dick well in that case I mean could I have some have you been here for two minutes you didn't even buy me

a beer and you're asking me for cock I don't want to enjoy well I do want to but I want to have it as my there's no real way to do this transaction without it getting, without some serious medical intervention. Just match me on ground. I've got a gorgeous cock, but it's a very average size.

You've told me this before. Yeah. Like a pretty dick. Really pretty. I think it's a great, like, it's not one of these weird, like, you know, yours might be big. What constitutes as a pretty dick? What is an aesthetically pleasing dick? Mine isn't symmetry. Mine isn't, because I've got aically pleasing dick? Mine isn't. Mine isn't.

Because I've got a scar on mine from me reduction. You haven't. Right. Right. Yeah. I actually did have a cock reduction when I was 19. Did you have to have your... Were you one of these kids with a fucking massive hood?

No, the hood was too small. So they reduced me dick. So that the hood would fit. They just cut the hood off. What? They just cut the hood off. They just didn't do that. I was nine. There was no consent. They just took half me there. Half? Yeah, a foot. That was a joke.

Keep me abreast of all these jokes that people are making. When you let me know next time there's a joke, that'd be great. So I just have them across everything. How much spare dick have you got then? I'd say four and a half. Spare? Millimeters.

Dicks. No, that's good. Yeah, four and a half dicks. You do have the confidence and swagger of a man with a guess. Yeah, it's all that. When I was 15 16 and then noticed I was more well endowed

than the rest of the lads in football training in the showers and that I just coasted through life then yeah say I'm not coming back

tomorrow all blokes with big dicks have the same attitude it's like all blokes with big dicks are like they have the same confidence of a boyfriend

who's got their girlfriend A really great birthday present Yep So they can be quite unpleasant For the time being Because like You don't know what I got either That's why

I've got a huge dick I'm not washing it today Yeah Well people are People are doing that When they've got girlfriends To their girlfriend He's doing it to like

Baristas in Pret-a-Manger He's like You better make me That oat milk latte Because my dick is Fucking massive Yeah Yeah Just knock it all over As a girl It's just he's like you better make me that oat milk latte because my dick is fucking massive yeah little suggestion just from a pr point of view yeah you need to get a press shot now that you're

bigger yeah because today i uh i done a post on our patreon page patreon.com slash have a way pod starts just three pounds a month i did a post today to get the listeners to ask you questions and all i could find was your promo pictures from like your don't flop days where you were the you're just a skinny guy like there's going to be people who might not be aware of your work yet who's seen that post today and are now going to be looking at the camera and be like is that the same fucking guy it's all Briggs' fault he should systematically go and delete every shit picture

of me because that's his job but he's got better things to do apparently is that what you brought to them today he's off camera

Briggs is here Briggs is in there but he's a horrible human for that it's weird that you have to recalibrate your behaviour when somebody looks

like I saw your pictures and thought, oh, I can imagine... I'll bully him. Yeah, I can humiliate him and use my physical superiority to make him feel badly about himself. Well, you did instantly with your handshake

when we walked in. Yeah, well, I'm like Bruce Lee. I've got a lot of hidden power. You are like Bruce Lee. I am like Bruce Lee. That's exactly what I thought. When I walked in, I thought, he reminds me of hidden power. You are like Bruce Lee. I am like Bruce Lee. That's exactly what I thought. Same as you. Same as you.

I'm a little wanting a bar. He reminds me of Bruce Lee. When I said before, I said, I know you, I've seen you work. I meant it. Yeah, you've been in it.

Leather chuck, you know. Yeah, yeah. Punch bigger than my cock, sadly. What's that? One inch punch for you. That was a joke I did. Good. I'll keep you across that one. That it battle rap level so it was really it was really bad no no it was great i love that i'm gonna help you mate scribble it down have it what is if if you don't mind me

asking what is the goal of the balkan because i know you're big into wrestling have you got designs on a bit of wrestling it was like? We was doing a documentary for a bit. I was training with guys from WWE, NXT, like Sam Gradwell, Johnny Brannigan was training me and stuff. But because of the pandemic, because of lockdown, I didn't have access to any wrestling rings. I had to wrestle in a boxing ring. It's a very different structure.

Slumdog Millionaire 2. Yes. very different structure. Shumdog Millionaire 2. Mate, first world problems out of here. I actually had a wrestling ring as well, didn't I? I had one bought in storage. It's bouncy. Yeah, it's just pure wood.

So you don't want to be suplexed onto it. That's it, no. They call it a bump card pro wrestlers they say you have a bump card you've got so many

bumps you're allowed to take in the ring before you start your heart starts exploding you start getting like really crippled or whatever

excuse me that was a burp and a c-word but I have to edit that bit out no joke keep it in yeah so it was very painful very fast i was

cashing in a lot of the bump card very quick waking up with injuries and then not being able to just do my actual job so it was like you know what bollocks to this i didn't want to be at wrestlemania or anything so it's just a kind of hobby to go alongside but it was like the most fucking painful hobby ever it's like the most stupid thing ever in the world to do as a hobby because i've done muay thai jiu-jitsu i've done everything nothing hurts like pro wrestling nothing mate because it's like they say in it oh if you don't do this at home as well but if you drop a baby it'll bounce didn't work when i dropped a baby didn't bounce anywhere drop the bastard though but like when because like i guess the thinking behind that is the baby don't know it's coming so it's kind of like more supple

to the impact in that and that's kind of like when people have fell out of planes and they've gone limp in the air and survived yeah that didn't happen you said that last week there was a fella who fell out of a plane and he passed out on the way down because he had a panic attack and it went to his head and he was like, oh, I'm going to die. Thank you.

And he hit the ground and just got up and went on with his day. Just walked the rest of the way, yeah. I've been very, very nervous and tentative about, I feel like I'm wearing the woman who I'm having an affairs with boxer shorts. Oh,'m pressing a button and oh the bullshit bell oh we are excited i didn't want to wear the headphones it's a step too far but jesus christ i'm like um yeah i know what you mean the baby thing yeah it's just like more like if you know impacts come in it hurts 10 times more

for some reason if the body knows it's coming and you try and like get ready for it it hurts so when a big bloke says to your I'm gonna drop you on your head that's why a lot of boxers do 12 rounds

with their eyes closed it's a very famous tactic yeah just don't look don't know it's coming it don't hurt it's why United

man United play like that all season as well apparently you know what I mean I'm not comfortable making United the shit jokes

when we play them on Sunday and I absolutely expected to bounce them all over Old Trafford it's one of my favourite things

about Carl's recent output if you've been enjoying that listener or viewer at home Carl's been putting out some great

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer I'd say Carl on the score banter I just think he's pathetic score banter it's been I just think he's pathetic he's really he's eminent

he's really bulliable yeah definitely he doesn't park in the manager's parking spot at Old Trafford because of because that's for Alex

that's for that's for the boss man no it's not you know it's for him it's for you and he's a weak do you know does it like

strike you when like you know the camera cuts to the manager while's a weak dog. Do you know, does it strike you when, like, you know the camera cuts to the manager while a football game's on? You know when it gets to him and he looks like, he looks like a dog watching two humans have sex. Like, it looks like at any moment he's going to go, right, so this is football, isn't it? Right. I'm not totally sold on it. I don't think it's that fun to watch.

I'm sure I'll puzzle it out. He's a moron. He's such a moron. He is. But long may he be at that club. I know. I was overjoyed to see that game last night and watch Atalanta crumble at the mighty hand

of the world's greatest Ole Gunnar Solskjaer. I think it would have been great if they'd lost 4-0 low and they had to go in with John O'Shea as caretaker manager this weekend. Because that would have been fucking wonderful. Don't underestimate the John O'Shea bounce. Didn't he not make Figo once? What the John O'Shea bounce. Didn't he nutmeg Figo once? What? John O'Shea nutmeg Figo once.

Yeah, I know. So he can definitely be the manager of United. I think they should give it to Giggsie. That's a good point. Give it to Giggsie and make the team even more unlikable. And Giggsie can say to Ronaldo,

okay, you rape them, I'll headbutt them. He goes under the radar how much of a piece of shit that guy is isn't it ronaldo no uh ryan gigs like ryan gigs is a horrible horrible man he's just made himself nervous the internet will don't clip it keep it in but don't clip it, everybody, okay? Do a little emoji of a kind of a huge man being forceful. Oh, God almighty. What a silly podcast you've got

that makes everybody behave quite badly. Sorry, Shottie, sorry. Giggs is a con man. Yeah, he's a wronging, isn't he? Yeah, he gets away with a lot of shit. Yeah, man. Ryan Giggs is a wronging. Yeah.

More should be said about this. He does very... Didn't he kidnap someone and like put her in a in like a wheelie bin or something it's time to welcome our other guest would you put it past him no No. There you go. No, I wouldn't. So you did it. I think it's quite funny that his brother

had his sort of life taken away from him by his brother. His name's Rodri, isn't it? Rodri Giggs. What are you, Rodri, lad? His wife got piped for decades or whatever it was. Decades.

By lots of footballers. Was it? Oh, really? Yeah. I thought it was just Ryan. No, he's spoken about it. Lots of footballers had sex with his wife.

Yeah. But like, obviously his brother's a big... He's got to pick the right one. He's like the Olly Gunnar Solskjaer out of Managers. Sorry. That was really unnecessary.

But he got like a deal with like Paddy Powered or something, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I'm betting on beds now. Like, oh, I'm a bet.

And he's being paid, but he's only got that job working copywriting i have a bet have a have a um uh right so we've got a betting company are you yeah great you should uh we were thinking for the slogan because you're you're a betting company isn't it yeah yeah have a bet. We thought that would work. Because that's what you want people, that is what, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have a bet. Thank you so much. But yeah, he's made the career off being a gimp. Yeah. A cook. A cook, yeah.

Yeah, a cook-old. There's a little scene of footballers' brothers, actually, aren't there? Like, less genetically blessed brothers. They just sit there moping about how they didn't make it. Or he's shagging my wife for 10 years. Just moaning bastards, aren't they, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At the end of the day day you've lived off Ryan can you name one more there's a few Roonies Gary Lineker's weird brother Phil Neville yeah Gary Lineker

he won a Premier League title no not Neville you said Neville I said Lineker you said Neville Wayne Lineker but no Phil Neville as well

I think there's a few of Roonies brothers that you can go and see at Chester Zoo. Can I clip any of this? Sorry? Can I clip any of this? No, clip that. That's fine.

I like Wayne. Wayne. Wayne's a good lad. So. You were training for the wrestling. Kind of. But you're not going to do it now. No.

No. But then I just got, I preferred being bigger and training. Once you start training, you start loving You start loving it And it's like I know Girls in tight pants

In the gym and that You know what I mean I know it's a nightmare isn't it It's horrible You see them and you think Oh my god you're beautiful What makes you so beautiful Then you realise

Oh you're wearing not very much That's what it is That's what I fancy I'm quite into clothes you know Are you Yeah Yeah Yesterday I went go karting

With my missus And you know that like Boiler suit they make you put on Yeah I just wanted to shag her head off like yeah she looked like a mechanic and it turned me on yes you wanted to put the lotion on her skin or else she gets the hose again like we've spoken about this before any sort of like like Halloween is just like Pornhub live for me. Yeah, no, same. Like anything like that. It's like a little tennis skirt, a little Batman costume.

For me, it's office wear, like office kind of pencil skirts with like blazers and white shirt like that for me. Cause we work in comedy and like, oh, the entertainment, everybody's dressing up all the time. And they're like, oh, look at me. Aren't I interesting? And look at this personality. Cause you want the woman to look like she could forgive your debt

are you an ombudsman who could possibly um help me with my overdraft that i can't service i'd like to fuck you thank you very much uh yeah yeah maybe no i just think it's because it's that's what's hot because like you know being sensible and working hard seems like it sex is a kind of a foreign idea. I asked Dan last week, would you like to be dominated? Well, no, but never say never. Okay. Just people have that sensibility, don't they?

It's a Harry Hill joke. No, it sounded like an offer. It's not an offer. It's just some people have that sensibility. No, no, no, no. I's not an offer. It's just some people that have that sensibility. No, no, no, no. I want to... I don't think he ever could.

I like to dominate. Me too, but I would try it once, like all Easter's. Give it a go. I know I won't like it, but I'll do it just to say I've done it. Right.

Shanti, are you... No. You like to be dominating? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Just generally in in life i don't think being a submissive sex partner would suit you i mean i know we haven't known each other for long but uh i feel awkward do that it wouldn't be believable if you were

submissive oh yeah take control yeah well that I'd lever up. Yeah, well, that's very, very nice dear actually. Look at me on a train, you slender, sexy woman. I'll pile drive you till you die. Yes.

I'm not going to. We all need to know that that's possible. How long is this pile driving going to take? Just till you die. Just till you die. Just till you die. And then we'll have it boxed up, okay?

Okay. So, you're not training anymore, and that is to concentrate on what you called your proper job, which is rapping. I think so, yeah. Yeah. So, I'm a fan of your music, but my gateway to you was your battling.

Yeah. And you've got an event on Saturday coming up. Any early access patrons in the Manchester area? There might be some tickets left. Yeah. They could get from... I don't know. I don't care.

Make see. Google it. Premier Battles. I was joking. Premier Battles.club. You can get the tickets. It's got Shufflo, Shuffle Tea and Marlowe versus Skateboats, which should be very good.

We need to get Shuffle Tea and Marlowe on this show. Shuffle O and Shuffle Tea. What? So you've got Mar need to get Shuffle T and Marlo on this show Shuffle O and Shuffle T so you've got Marlo and Shuffle T and together they are Shuffle O lovely stuff okay cool

some of the they're just the best 2 on 2 team in the world by a distance and both like really sick individual guys as well

like good individual rappers I'm excited me and Carla are going to the event on Saturday we're looking forward to it this isn't your first event though is it no i've been to two before so i went to don't flop seventh birthday the day after you battled clips yeah glad you missed that one i saw my ass that day yeah so a bit of context behind that so obviously a lot of context behind that. So obviously a lot of people watching won't know what we're talking about. So if you want the full context, we'll give you a little bit now. Go and watch Shottie Horror versus Charlie Clips.

It was Don't Flop's seventh birthday. And the thing you're referencing, in Charlie's second round, he'd put a scheme together where he brought four other rappers on stage to all battle you at once. But you had no idea that was coming. No. And what had happened, what was also going on,

me and DNA were cool now, but we had real issues for a while. And it was in a case of, the minute you land in England, we're just going to go to the car park and get it dealt with. And he was giving it the talk like, yeah, yeah, that's what we're going to do.

I went to the hotel, he was giving it the talk like yeah yeah that's what we're gonna do i went to the hotel he was this big and the dynamic was different when we got in there yeah but the guys that he was with was all saying he was gonna do this and do that and i'm just a little scruff for my upper ace as soon as i was in there i was like right the fuck wants it kicking off um charlie clips come and sorted it out actually and calmed it all down but then when my my friends markets nasty and stuff from london from nasty crew and that when we was in there and then they stood up all my boys was they'd seen the commotion in the hotel so they was like yo fuck it's on so if you watch the footage it's the guys behind me stand up first yeah they're very serious guys so i was like trying to stand in the middle of that but yeah so there's a lot of that cut out because obviously i was in the building yeah because on straight on the phone i don't feel like but it's just one of them it's

still a fucking great battle though yeah i think i would have smoked him if i didn't do that like i think i won on content but i don't know it was just um it was just a mad night where i i didn't see the battle ending as a battle i thought it was all about to erupt and go off in a way but they're always the more fun ones especially for the fans i think yeah it's a bit of danger yeah yeah it's drama they're having to keep your composure as a performer and like be witty perform well whilst at the same time like thinking oh there might be actual like commotion yeah it must be i mean that that feels to me as somebody who you know had a woman held a glass to my head the other day at a gig uh i mean that is uh you know until

then kind of quite a foreign thing i just i, I can't imagine how you deal with that. I haven't seen a rap battle for a while. I did my show in 2012 and the guy on before me, brilliant, did a brilliant show, but I only saw him rap battle a couple of times because they did some don't flops

in Edinburgh Festival that year. Yeah, I remember the time. Mark Grist, yeah, he ended up having a good battle with Blizzard actually that went super viral that was the first viral battle it's the first one

I remember yeah I mean and he was the top viewed for a long time until you and Arsenal came along and just blew it

off the water yeah it was weird that me and Arsenal did that as well I don't know because there's no gimmick to it

it's just literally a rap battle you and Arsenal yeah unbelievable battle nice one man I just literally a rap battle. You and Arsenal? Yeah. Unbelievable battle. Nice one, man. I just think... A lot of times, me and him have watched that battle.

If we're driving somewhere for a bit, we'll just put it on in the car and just listen to it. We don't even listen to it. We just fucking do either's Arsenal. Do you know what it is about that battle? Yous are both at the absolute top of your game yeah 100% and that just leads

it doesn't matter who won and you can argue all day about who did but yous both just there's not a single slip there's not a single problem there's not a single anything

it's just from start to finish yous both get every single word you want to get off off and every punch lands the crowd are on fire and I think it's a big

like culture clash on stage you've got this black guy from Newark, New Jersey gang crip life and then you've got this and every punch lands the crowd are on fire and I think it's a big like culture clash on the stage you've got this black guy from Newark New Jersey gang crip life and then you've got this

mad white bald guy fucking from the UK on there and there's two cultures going at it the thumbnail helps as well and if you're listening to this because obviously

we've got a lot of listeners who will have never watched a rap battle in your life and you're just a fan of Have A Word or comedy or whatever or a fan of Alfie word or comedy or whatever or a

fan of alfie's or mine and there might be a reason you're listening to this specific episode and it's not because you're necessarily a rap battle fan if you want to get into it and if you want to sort of the the two gateway battles i would give you to go and watch to try and get into it are shottie versus arsenal and tony d versus o'shea yeah that's. Yeah. That's the perfect battle for a UK rap battle fan. The mix of comedy and just straight rapping is so good. And yeah,

we had some questions come in about battling and I wanted to put a couple of them to you. You've sort of... I've got a question about it as well. Okay. You can go first. Oh yeah?

Can I have one of these? Yeah. We've got another beer first. We've got a song. Can I have one as well, please? Let's yeah can I have one of these yeah you got another another beer first can I have one as well please let's get let's get really fucking shit

yeah take steroids yeah be a great way to end the day wouldn't it thank you sir hey

so Alfie have you got any battle rap related questions that you'd like to ask well Adam I'm so glad you asked because actually I do

yeah I was just wondering whether they whether you enjoy them more whether you think the quality is better when you're in a in a rap battle against somebody if there is genuine animosity between the two of you or if you like each other and you know each other really well which of those which of those dynamics between the two opposing parties makes for a better rap battle in your experience that is a fucking phenomenal question it really is and nobody's ever asked me that before in my whole time i prefer battling people i get on with and i like or i respect i think i would as well because at the end of the day we're just two artists really collaborating it can say versus our featuring you know because they shot

a feature in arsenal however it would collaborate and i like how you put it that way around me featuring him though yeah yeah yeah he's a he would have been on my album is the story or he would have been on the have a word podcast exactly um yeah i just feel like it's there's so many parallels with the pro wrestling game yeah um it is a work you know it's it's not real um and the guys that understand that and know how to make money together properly by promoting it proper by doing it the right way they're the best ones some people in the game shoot themselves in the foot by taking it way too serious and can just kill the career like you're playing your character for real like if hulk hogan really was walking around his house

like you know something man i want to eat chicken burrito today man in my head you're not stopping in my head he does yeah but also i'm just my head, he does. Yeah. He does, right? Dad, I'm just going to the toilet. I hear you, brother. Yeah, man. He's got a pile of ripped T-shirts next to his washing basket. It's like, Terry.

Is that his name? Yeah. Terry. Tez, come on. Bought you that for your birthday said you liked it it'd be great though

if like his family just know just get Tez a t-shirt because he fucking loves ripping them off he goes through and I'm like fucking mad

you're opening a t-shirt it's like a dog when you're opening a t-shirt you're like Tez you can pull it Puts it on Fuck Teddy

He's like a self-help group for it How do you feel with a t-shirt on? Good man It's awesome man Blows up Definitely give them like a nicotine patch And it's just like a shit bit like

velcro in the middle whenever you get the edge just put this one on can do it again just not the same just not the same feel so bereft, brother. So when you're in the build-ups to all these things

and you're having a... Part of it is... Part of the show is creating the anger between the two performers. Even if it is somebody that you get along with, you like, you respect, part of your job is to sort of describe i mean i don't know we both did comedians rose battle which is like a yeah idiots version i thought i come up with that idea today and he's like if you're not watching adam on it on comedians rose battle i was like fuck i was like shouldn't comedians like rap battle but like not rhyme like can you imagine adam doing

this and he was like yeah so i do it a So I've done a couple of shit rap battles as well against other comics. There's been comedians rap battles before. Yeah, that was like a late night thing in Edinburgh. Yeah. Really, really. And we, at one point a couple of months ago, we're thinking about, because like I've,

Can you ask me if you want to do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through being a fan. It's all right, lad. Don't worry about it. Fucking gloss that table. It's got varnish on it. We can just wipe yeah. Through being a fan. It's all right, lad. Don't worry about it. Fucking gloss that table. Fucking brazen. It's got varnish on it.

We can just wipe it off. It's fine. Foil, mate. Don't worry about it. Through sort of being a huge fan of the UK rap battle scene, and then I would say the American, but Canadian, really. King of the Dot is more me than Smackers. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. So I've got to know a lot of the UK is more me than smackers do you know what i mean yeah so i've i've got to know a lot of like the uk rap battlers and i'm on sort of friendly basis like i have been with you like we've met for the first time today but like we've spoke a few times i've met shuffle a few times i i i know a few of the lads one thing we thought about doing was a have a word comedians rap battle event yeah but we're one and obviously we'd be paying people to do this but like one team of the rap battlers is mentored by a battle rapper that'll be and the other team is mentored by another battle rapper and we put a big event

on in a big room in liverpool sell it out and all of our former guests so we repaired and who did we ask you to battle um it was a dane it might have been dane yeah dane baptiste first selfie i was gonna battle dan because that makes sense we were gonna get carl to battle finn yeah what do you think about stuff like that because here's my question on it there was a thing on channel four recently where comedians mentored um like minor celebrities to do their first stand-up set, right? Yeah. And my initial response was, I don't like it

because I don't think there's enough stand-up comedy on TV for stand-up comedians. Yeah. So to be given stand-up comedy spots to people who don't fucking do this for a living and don't give a shit about it, sort of pissed me off a bit. Yeah.

Do you get that with what we'd be trying to do? Or do you think it's just a gimmick? It's just laugh, it's a one-off? It's different. I think stand-up comedy is one of the biggest mediums for entertainment in the world. Some of the biggest things going on there. Battle rap's not.

So stand-up comedy as a whole doesn't need the exposure stand-up comedians do. As Curtis from Love Island doing stand-up. Exactly, fuck him. Yeah. I'd rather watch someone else that's actually funny do it but if curtis from love island come to a battle rap event and tweeted about it we need that kind of thing that's a really really interesting and good distinction you know i mean so if if you guys did that we would be appreciative appreciative of it anyway for one and we know you in particular like you've had a good rapport with the whole scene for a couple of years now so you know you're one of us you're in there anyway with

the with the community so you've done that groundwork to be able to have free reign of doing that kind of stuff no one in the uk would would go oh this guy's a culture vulture or something it's like oh shit you've been supporting great ways while. Well, that's a fucking great way to look at it. But yeah, you're right, I've been sort of, I'd say I'd try to get into more events, but they tend to be on Saturdays when I'd be gigging. So the only ones I've been to, the 7th birthday, coming to yours on Saturday.

And another one I went to was next in line when Tony D battled shocks at the fiddler's elbow. And that was fucking great to watch in person because they were both just fucking great. debattled shocks at the fiddler's elbow yeah and that was great to watch in person because they were both just great tony's an amazing guy an amazing um artist to watch live in person like he's just a master of what he does yeah he's awesome man and again your battle with him is one of the best in uk as well yeah four years i'd not i'd not battled for four years and like the only call to come back was to battle tony was the man in his prime fully

match fit ready and it was a yeah it was fun man like we sold out uh the ritz in manchester just you know just a little rap battle show can i ask you this question do you think you've ever lost no not once that that question coming from Aaron Ledson who's one of our patrons and he said is there a battle he thinks he's ever

lost and the fact he asked that question made me think he must know if you work in your battles yeah because otherwise he wouldn't be

giving a shit about that is there anything you've come close any that are debatable Tony you think Tony was close Tony's debatable I think you beat

Tony 2-1 I think you took the first two and he took the third i do also and i think i gave him power on the stage for the third by showing him respect on the stage and that's something i tell a lot of the younger guys now it's fuck that guy man don't not don't literally fuck him on stage that'll be quite good anymore is it it's not news it's just love then isn't it yeah it's really sweet yeah it's a beautiful thing yeah

i got emotional thinking about that come on stop battling let's make love come on we are the world Come on, stop battling. Let's make love. Come on. We are the world. Final question for you on the battle thing before we move on to some other stuff. Has there ever been a bar that you've written for a battle that you couldn't bring yourself to say because it was too far?

No, do you know what? I've never been that kind of um but the only time i did do that was in the first battle with arsenal he mentioned my uncle and my uncle had just passed yeah and um well it's a it's a notorious moment and it's something people ask you about a lot because unanimous have mentioned it yeah and you threatened them because fair enough yeah and then other rappers have brought it up since being like threatened him because fair enough yeah and then other rappers have brought it up since being like why did you say so because unan brought it up about a couple of days a couple of days after it happened yeah and then arsenal brought it up a year later i grieved i'd i was i was like embarrassed at the way i acted in in the unan thing and that's what i mean yeah um and then like a lot of retrospect and a

lot of looking like oh this is the way i should conduct myself if if i'm signing up to get paid for this then you can say what they want or don't take the money end of the day like do one of the two is that one of the money is there a code like there is certain things that one wouldn't condone saying that everybody would go oh don't do that amongst some of us like there's like gentlemen battlers who are going to try and out-rap you. I'm definitely one of them, guys. The only time I've gone below the belt was in the rematch to the Arsenal thing

because of what he said. Then he was like, oh, if anyone would ever say anything about my daughter in a battle, it would be this and that. So I just, three rounds of battle, I would kill his daughter.

In graphic, gruesome ways like that was i felt weird saying it though yeah that was an interesting way to say it though because you're so confident in your ability as a rapper yeah because you're not just a battler you're someone who does rapping and music for a living that's your thing and battling which you've over the past few years from what i've seen tried to make that distinction very fucking clear i'm a rapper who battles i'm not a battler who does a bit of music on the side the other way around so you're so confident in your ability as a rapper you're like i don't need to mention your dead mom that's it because i'm gonna outright you know perform yeah yeah this crowd's gonna

be on my side yeah i don't need to go low and if you need to go low crack on and do it and i just think that daffodil not reading the market like sadly for rap battlers and comedians it's a it's a sad world really because like our rights of what we're allowed to say is like we're lessening all the time and stuff like that yeah yeah but in the future now when the the next generation of woke kids look at what some of these battlers said in the 2000s yeah they're not going to continue to get the views my stuff will continue to fly because i just outrapture because it's just creative yeah yeah i just said all this stuff but like if your your whole line is homophobic or whatever future

i think about it all i'm like you know what? I don't know. I just think, you know, I think if you can get as much, if you can get as many people involved with what you're doing as you can, it's obviously better. And I think battle rap has the ability to be huge. Like in Spain now, they're doing 40,000 capacity venues, 50,000 capacity venues. The battle rappers are driving around in Lamborghinis and Ferrar're doing 40,000 capacity venues, 50,000 capacity venues. The battle rappers are driving around in Lamborghinis and Ferraris. 40,000!

Have a look at Urban Rooster. Pull some up. It's Urban Roosters. We'll check this in the break in a minute. Yeah, yeah. Urban Roosters. Mate, we were speaking to one of the guys recently and he said Barcelona Football Club,

when Messi was there basically, they had this final coming up. So they got these rap battlers to come to speak to Leo Messi about handling pressure. So when... Yeah, yeah. It's crazy out there.

They're like the megastars, the rap battlers. Would you ever learn Spanish and move over there? Yeah, well... It'd be fucking great when rap battlers replace physios. So they have Chile have chile colombia peru they have all the all the latin-speaking countries

yeah they have their own divisions and each of them divisions are like people are leaving wwe and that to go and work there ceos are leaving this and so like it's huge so when they went and spoke to leo messi about how to handle pressure the kids that was outside looking for autographs ran over to the rappers before they did the barcelona players and he was like this is a sign of the times this is a summit changing so me and briggs have been doing a little research looking into them and stuff and speaking to the guys who run it and stuff like that and it's a i feel like that's where it could be a legit that's the blue slim for premier battles yeah because

at one point obviously we won't go into too much because i know you spoke about it before your your first few big battles were on don't flop which is a league that is still running in the uk but there was issues between the people who used to run the company and a lot of the battlers and people who work for the company and there's a million if you're really really into battle rap there's so much stuff on YouTube. You can go and find whatever on things like that. We don't need to talk about that. But it felt for a little bit like UK battle rap.

I'd had its moment. Yeah. I missed it. And you're trying to make it that that's not the fucking case. That's it. Yeah. We're trying to make me and Briggs. They are always trying to solidify it as,

I don't know, not not a sport but you see like the e-gaming community and stuff like that I think it goes hand in hand with all that yeah that kind of stuff it's you know it's it's the same as wrestling it's like conflict entertainment you know I mean there's two people in a conflict it's not real it's it's planned out it's not really that battles are not planned but you know it's all goodwill um and people love what's more british than an argument people fucking love an argument you know what i mean love an argument now if the argument rhymes the best thing in the world rhymes are great yeah ask shakespeare and other people who've rhymed yeah yeah arguing everyone loves an argument yeah yeah I think it's amazing

I think it's so I remember watching it and thinking it's so absorbing and also it takes such a weird blend of arrogance and humility

and like the arrogance to go I'm going to you know create this assassination of your character

and have it be kind of a brilliant performance and also at the same time to hear like the worst about yourself can you imagine if you did a gig when you were comparing me at that

stupid town hall in the centre of Liverpool and I'd just eaten my own dick in front of 300 Christmas scouser. One of my favourite things I've ever seen and we can see your white socks love um and um before we carry on can i give full context do i need to hear this fucking story yeah go on then so alfie is what a fucking great friend of mine and adores the city of liverpool

is his mother and his family are from Liverpool originally. Big Liverpool fan. But he talks like that. So, so, Scousers are a bit sort of, um, suspicious.

Yeah, wary. And we're doing a gig for Hot Water Comedy Club at Christmas. So what happens at Christmas at Hot Water? The tickets just sell out because the room only holds 200 people and they're so popular. So what happens at Christmas at Hot Water? The tickets just sell out because the room only holds 200 people and they're so popular.

So they hire external venues and those external venues end up full of people who thought they'd bought tickets to the comedy club and are now in a shit theatre a bit down the road, right? And they're expecting Paul Smith

to be the compere or the headliner and they expect, they just, it's not what they've wanted all night right so then the the bill was i was comparing uh there's a couple of other comics on were you on last yes i was closing that show yeah and paul smith was in the middle which is notoriously in the comedy industry the easiest spot so the guy they've all paid to see has done the easiest spot and then alfie's going to go on. And I just noticed he had his jeans sort of rolled up a bit

and white socks on. Now in Liverpool. Yes. Yeah. Right. In Liverpool, that white socks. I don't know why, but they've always just been a no-no. Yeah.

Same in Manchester. Like white socks, black shoes. Yeah. You get called Ken Barlow. That's what people used to get called in school. Ken Barlow. Ah, Ken Barlow. I don't know why.

My socks are white and yellow. Yeah. But they're saucy. But I went to him before he went on. I went, you got white socks on? Honestly, you want to hide them? And he was like, that'd be fucking stupid. And he went on.

And within 30 seconds of them deciding, hang on, he doesn't sound or look like Paul Smith at all. Why isn't Paul back on? Someone just went, we can see you he just looked to the side of the stage i'm just there like i fucking told you so um then they started doing like you know the harry enfield and chum's scouse character yeah because of my hair they started going calm down calm down you're like what are you doing? I I think It might be time

To have a little advert break And we'll come back And we'll get Shottie's perspective On some Non-battle rap shit Non-rap shit Just your usual Have a way of bollocks

I hope you enjoyed that section Here's some money Do some drugs Drugs Drugs are great For your family And your kids Especially your kids, especially kids.

Wag wag lids. It's Dan. Hope you're enjoying today's episode. Do us a favor. If you're watching on YouTube, like the video. Subscribe if you're listening. Follow us on all socials. At Have A Word Pod.

Tell a friend. Do something. Help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year. If you want to come and see me, do stand up. Get tickets at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg.

You're a good lid. Back to the episode. Welcome back. Part four. We're still here with Shottie of Horror, Alfie of Brown, Carl of Regla. Yes. Diddly diddly dee.

Diddly diddly dee. Diddly diddly dee. Yeah. Diddly diddly. Shottie Horror diddly dee Diddly diddly dee Yeah Diddly dee Shoddy horror I like it Oh shoddy horror That should absolutely Be like your

Walk on song From now on Everywhere He loves his Rapping all day long And he sings his song Shoddy horror Shoddy horror

It's a nice song File But it is by Michael Jackson who is a dead pedophile he did the shit out of that didn't he michael jackson walked in there went mad yeah even like the the thing i used to do on stage is even if he didn't do it, he was doing a fucking good impression of it. Like, he was trying his best

to look like he was doing it. He was having a really good go of that parody account. I was on the, he's innocent train for ages. And then I watched that documentary on Netflix. I was like, you bastard.

A comedian called Pierre Novelli has a wonderful routine about it. Can you say that he has a wonderful routine and then you do the routine and then, is that all right? I think, you know Pierre as the man, it would be, does he still do the routine? I don't know. Anyway.

Go and see Pierre Novelli. He's got a great routine. And while you're in the audience, shout, do the dead pedo bit. He loves that. Do your Michael Jackson bit. Brilliant. You were saying before,

in the little break we had, that you've never done drugs at all. Yeah, I just don't think that weed is a drug that you can kind of say, it's not drugs, is it? So you've done weed?

Yeah. So we're in the same boat because I've never done a single line of cocaine never not once no neither

I did a bit of crack for a bit did you yeah everyone's done a bit of crack for a bit yeah that's not drugs is it that's not exactly

he's not that's not really that's great crack it's great crack thank you so much lend me the pipe that's lovely thank you yeah yeah well no okay fine That's not really true. That's great crack. It's great crack. Thank you so much. Lend me the pipe. That's lovely. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, well, no, okay, fine. Is it a never say never thing? Or is it like on your deathbed, would you do heroin? I don't know. Will it cure what I've got? No. It'll just make you feel smacked up for a bit. No, I wish to confront death

with all the lucidity that I can muster. What if they said, you're going to die in an hour? Is that what you wanted for your comedy podcast? You're going to die in an hour. But if we give you a bit of heroin, there's a 1% chance it'll save your life. Oh yeah, that's fine.

Of course I would do heroin then. What are you talking about? Hey. Just making conversation. I'll never forget when, when Jago did that. Yeah.

Turn it off. Turn it off? it off oh right it doesn't stop oh it doesn't stop that one doesn't stop sorry sorry I'm new to the soundboard

I was new to the soundboard sorry there was two lads we were we were mate with for a while still mate with now we just don't see them

much anymore and er you know when you're trying to wind up the sort of runt of the litter in the group just like being a bit of a dick.

He's debated, isn't he? And he goes to him, hey, Ticho. And he knew for a fact this was right. He goes, Ticho, your mum a lesbian? And he went, yeah, she is. And he went, all right, I'm just making conversation. That's a nice break look at that your mum a lesbian

just making conversation and then for the rest of the night someone would go do you want a pint and the other person would go yeah he goes

alright just making conversation right I've got some correspondence from our listeners. Quick one to start off with, Shottie. Would you rather have the power to undo the worst thing you've ever done or you get a free pass for a future bad thing? Free pass for a future bad thing. So you haven't done anything bad enough to undo nah i've been all right me yeah i've i've yeah i've been a good lad but i have the capacity to be a piece of shit you just haven't used it yet yeah because

of jesus because of jesus because of jesus and the little kids? My little kids? It sounds like you have done something. He's in your pizza restaurant, hasn't he? That's a conspiracy. That's Pizzagate. I learned about today. They taught me about Pizzagate. You learned about it today?

Yeah, he had no idea. So, what would you would you so in your head I've given you this future pass bad thing no one's everyone who sees you do it forgets about it

it's never news you just get away with it shagging I'll just wait till like I need to shag like well you know if you're married like 10 years down the line

I'm married I'm bored oh shit this yeah shagging man that's the spirit just one shag yeah just gonna shag some

yeah something yeah you've got a free pass bottle of listerine some lucasade what about you you're gonna undo something or take your free pass um i i just um i'll take my free pass yeah just in case but i don't want to undo the Listerine thing? Huh? You don't want to undo that? It's fine. I was happy to tell you about it.

I'm not ashamed. But it burnt. I'm not even sure if I... It wasn't on pod. We weren't even recording. When I was a child, I tried to fuck a bottle of Listerine. Okay? That's what they're all talking about.

So can you imagine a podcast in which that's the sort of thing that gets said when the mics get turned off like that's like non-stop bullshit with the microphones on and then the microphones off thank god for that now we can now we can talk about fucking bottles of listerine like that wouldn't have made that content that was appropriate for the podcast what the fuck is this anyway i miss london anyway um uh no i wouldn't take that back i would like if i could take back anything i'd take back my thoughts would you yeah i've some my thoughts give me more trouble than any actions that i've uh you've got quite a good control on your actions but you can't control your thoughts exactly exactly very well very concise what kind of thoughts um just

sort of i think it's worse when you're watching a lot of porn isn't it so my girlfriend's been away this week so i've been watching a lot of porn which i think couldn't wait a week porn how long do you wait oh mate i don't normally wait 45 minutes you don't look like this if you get rid of your testosterone every two seconds oh yeah that's why shit. Yeah, and that's why I look like this. But Tyson Fury says that you need to, he masturbates seven times a day because he wants to keep his testosterone up. Oh, mate, one day I was on my way to the gym. Raging boner.

I've got to fap this out rapid. I was shitting the gym, mate. Absolutely shit. And I was like, there's got to be a correlation. I looked it up. And then, yeah, that's your testosterone, isn't it?

So that's why we cry straight after sex. Interestingly thing about me is that I cry every time I cum, but I don't necessarily cum every time I cry. Very interesting. It'd be weird. We'll leave that with you. We'll leave that with you. We'll leave that with you. You can just have some time to chew it over.

So you come, you cry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not every time I cry, I don't necessarily cry. Not at Uncle Frank's funeral. They're lower in the coffin. You don't just spaff all over his British flag. I didn't know him that well. I wasn't that close to his flower

arrangement sadly um but uh i also didn't know him that well so he wasn't i wasn't i wasn't crying i was i was i was sort of glum but that that that doesn't make me come does jesse ever come in and see that you're upset and crying and just immediately look for tissues around the living room um well no we keep lots of tissues adopted about just a good multi-purpose man size it's a good game in it guessing like what is the substance in the tissue is it tears or jizz that's a great game it's a great game yeah the new must have this from mattel tears will come have a nibble oh i just have a nibble mommy what's the ages on that box three up what are you doing

are you taking something back or are you future no I'm futuring because but then the only problem comes there with no one meant to use it

like if you run over someone and they get up do you take it back or do you wait until you run over someone and kill them that's such a good point

nice yeah I've got a banker like is this the worst thing I'm ever going to back or do you wait till you run over someone and kill them that's such a good point we do nice yeah i've got a banker like is it like is this the worst thing i'm ever gonna do or do i wait but what if you miss the worst thing you're ever gonna do by waiting yeah yeah i mean i might kill four people next week yeah i think you've got to have a little bit of faith in yourself also maybe you could ask like you could run over the guy and then like, sorry lads, how hurt are you? I've just bruised me thigh. Where's he from?

And he's got a head injury, which is a problem. I'm just bruised. I'm a bit drunk anyway, so. Smell burning toast. Just, you know,

crack on lads. I won't remember your face anyway. But I'll remember your socks. Fucking Kembalos on me over that. You see me, Nick? Who the fuck is this running me over for? Fucking Kembalos. Imagine getting ripped by the kid you run over.

You're just going to stay to your ring-out, lad. Crack on. Yeah. Okay okay go on ask us another so uh this one is from kevin harris it says all right lids my brother recently had to deliver his third child at home on the sofa as the ambulance that was supposed to take his wife to hospital didn't arrive on time pretty heroic stuff

from a guy who a few years ago at university used to get blasted on cheeky vimto and try and run so fast he could set us off to speed camera near our

student house so I wanted to know what's the most heroic thing you've ever done or seen congrats on being the number one podcast on the charts

all the best kev thank you kev you done anything heroic shotty i don't think i have nah do you know what i've not i'm a villain you're more of a villain yeah but you don't want to take anything back sorry take it sorry i was more than i wasn't comedians you never saved anyone's life never saved anyone's life oh yeah of course i've saved loads of lives yeah yeah but just always really cowardly like about it yeah you save them in a really cowardly way cowardly mean way get out of my basement then if you want yes that's

very magnanimous actually yeah is that what you meant by all the little kids yeah go home if you want i set them free that's what i do doesn't matter if you've kidnapped a hero define hero a person who has done something that has helped somebody else that took bravery I let people out in traffic sometimes then no

oh I remembered one there was a dog tied up outside this huge house in Toronto so you're going to say outside Tesco then nah it was like this There was a dog tied up outside this huge house in Toronto. So you're going to say outside Tesco then? Nah, it was like this old, scary, fucking mansion type house. It was horrific.

It was a scary looking place. And they must have tied the dog up on the steps. But the dog had fell through the bars. And the lead was around his neck. But I saw the dog fall. That's what drew my eye to it and it was like choking so you saved a dog's life that's even better no i filmed it and went viral yeah saved my life lively i did i picked the dog up bollocked the people but i did make sure to pull my camera out while i was bollocking people to make people think content is king there's no such thing as a selfless good deed and i'm i'm glad that you had the wherewithal future-proofing yourself yep do you actually

believe that there's no such thing as selfless good deed no no sometimes because no sometimes i um i save people's feelings by not telling them the truth to no advantage for myself. And I think, ah, yes. That's the classification, isn't it? Yeah, but I don't think that until it's too late, until I've already decided to do it. I didn't do it because I knew it was going to make me feel that way, so therefore it's still selfless.

Fair enough. Have you seen anything heroic? I haven't said that. I haven't done anything heroic. Yeah, but I just get the vibe. When a one-night stand informed me that she was pregnant with my child, I stayed.

That's pretty heroic. I've raised the kid. He's seven, still alive. What a hero. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't. I think that's just half the course. I think it's rather sweet and gentlemanly of me that I didn't try and pressure her into an abortion.

Good point. Thank you. What a hero. What a hero. You seen anything heroic, like, with your eyes in the street? I, yeah, I saw a guy have a heart attack in the street. I did a show about it. Lunatic.

Yeah, I didn't do anything. That's the title of the show, not the man. Yeah, he's having a heart attack there. I didn't mean that no i know like in the show you sort of the whole most of the hour in that show is the the moment in your mind as it's happening which is a very short amount of time and like over the hour yeah yeah sorry i was gonna say is it a thing where comedians don't ever talk about like what their acts on stage i just don't want to do the bit right because then then people won't won't give you money for the bit also it's a bit of a i don't want to be talking to and then go excuse me everybody yeah i'd like to sing a song no it's just because i noticed you wouldn't say

the other guy's bit well that's because I don't know if he necessarily wants me to say his bit on it so I would it's to not burn it you could burn it on the internet

people have seen it and they're like in the show they're like I've seen that yeah yeah yeah that's an interesting thing I never even really thought about

with comedians cold and that I guess it's a big difference between music and comedy for the stars first of all you don't want to do a comedian's bit

because it's theirs yeah right it's the same as like a battle of biting someone else's bars and doing the exact same thing and they get in a lot of shit for it don't they and like so i feel like it would be if i was to say oh and then tony said this and then i say he's eight bars i'm just reciting what tony said but i think if you guys said that on tour he's he's not yeah yeah he's not doing a show next week where that might be. Someone wouldn't come at the get- He can't monetize that in a future environment, can he? He can't take that on TV. He can't take that on tour.

Yeah. So I guess that's- I've got no problem doing my own bit on here and going, oh, I used to do this bit like this. If I'm not doing it anymore. So you won't do it while you're touring? No, because then, especially on a show like this, which has got between 50 and 100,000 listeners a week,

and they might come and see me on tour, and then they go, actually, he's already done all of this on the podcast over the past six months. These are the people I'm trying to sell tour tickets to. So they need the surprise of the laugh. That's where laughter comes from, not knowing where the comedian's going.

They can't be at the finish line waiting for you. Yeah, and it's such an obvious thing thing which is something i never even thought about that also that's more what the show's about the guy dying it's not like this whole show takes place over a very short i thought it would be funny to have a show that was about a time period that was less than the actual duration of the show yeah so that like that's never how you know storytelling on that level works so how could you have a show that lasts a long time about a shorter period of time i thought and the idea of that amusing and it and you know it's it's sort of it sort of works so but no i've never been a hero i've been a i've been a coward though

you have you watched a dying man and just hoped for the best. Well, we don't know if he was dying. Right, I've got a have a word. Press that top right button. This is the theme tune. You can't hear it. Only I can hear it.

That's how good the theme tune is. Is this going to turn off by itself? Don't worry about it. Keep talking. Is this going to turn off by itself? Yes, it will. No, it'll turn off by itself. Don't worry about it. Keep talking. So this one is coming from Joel, and we just want to give him a bit of advice. He wants a bit of advice on his life, essentially. It's called X is Back in Town.

What's happened here? Snap, Joel, snap. What, is your ex back in town? Yeah. Here we go. Let's go, Joel. We can get Snap, Joel, snap. What, is your ex back in town? Yeah. Ah! Here we go. Let's go, Joel. We can get through this together, bro.

All right, lads. Need some advice for something that's been doing me head in for a while. Me and my ex broke up in January of 2020. We'd been together for about eight months and we were doing the long distance thing, but we were about three hours away from each other. We were very happy

and had plans to move to London together, but we ended up breaking up before that happened because jobs got in the way and it didn't seem possible at the time to make it work we both ended up moving to london last year as planned and by a mental ridiculous coincidence we've ended up around the corner from each other the issue is she's got a boyfriend who she's been with now for coming up to a year i'm still mad i'm still mad about her as in like he's in love with her and we've met up a few times for coffee and to hang out about a month ago we went for a quick drink and ended up talking about our relationship and the circumstances around our breakup i got up the courage to tell

her that i'm still in love with her and that i want to be with her we talked it through for a while and she told me that she's been thinking about me a lot since we moved she said that whenever she fights with her boyfriend she thinks about me and how we never used to argue she used to she has also told me that she sees a lot of red flags in her boyfriend and that she misses having me in her life she started holding my hand as we were walking home and it's all been really confusing what i want to know lids is how do i pursue this she said a lot of stuff that night that makes me think she really isn't happy with this guy and despite her saying that she is obviously i can't force anything and i want her to be happy but i can't help that she still feels

something for me romantically and that it just happens that there's this currently this guy in this way there's currently this guy in the way would be great to know what you reckon or if you think i need to give my head a massive wobble cheers from joel so joel you're gonna fucking ignore what i say right now because it's not what you want to hear lad but fucking run run in it she's for one when a woman starts talking about red flags that's a massive red flag exactly for one exactly like no i don't want to deal with none of that it depends on what the red flag she's talking about are if she's like yeah i feel that's a very buzzword at the minute very superficial like oh red flag i don't know red flag is always something about like a man oh a man didn't uh a man likes a certain sort of like music or

book or red flag red flag it's never like oh the man's got a dungeon it's a bit of a yeah yeah because no obviously if he's got a dungeon that's like he don't go out with yeah like but if he likes you know cold play then he might still be nice i don't know like you know who knows yeah yeah i just think um any girl that's going to be holding a guy's hand while she's with a guy she's going to do that for life yeah she's going to do that to him yeah she's 100 going to do that to you um try this put it on the table for her where she she is totally secure in the fact that he will never know. And I bet you fuck.

I 100% If she gets the opportunity to fuck you without him knowing, she is going to fuck and go back to him. He's obviously provided something a lot faster for her. She's in a full-blown, probably got an apartment relationship and all that. This guy's probably just a fucking nabbed with a big dick. So he's like, I'll have a bit of that. But I'm with this guy over there.

I had an addendum to this advice. I like what you're saying. I think he should fuck her. Yeah. Because that will be the betrayal and the secrecy will make it so hot. I mean, surely that's the way to go about it. Like, fuck, have sex with her if that's the way to go about it get your like fuck fuck have sex with her if that's you know an available option and the fact that it's uh forbidden will just make it so

it'll be like a wizard is prizing the cum out of his cock it'll be like chips on a diet yeah we'll be like chips on a diet yeah yeah it'll be like salt and pepper chicken on a sunday yes it'll be like a beer whilst uh being the guest host of a podcast a hundred miles away from where you're uh domiciled with your disapproving girlfriend cheers here's what i think i think you should do i'm gonna add a second addendum. Oh, hello. I've learned a new word there, lads. Absolutely run as fast as you can after you've fucked her, if she's up for it. I'm involved here.

I'm on your page. I'm with you. And tell the guy. Tell the guy. Because you're saving him. You're saving him. And you might end up with a new best friend and you're probably looking for friends because you've just

moved to London. Oh. Bang. You make a new mate and you've got something in common. You're both like the exact same type

of vagina. Yeah. And then when he gets another bird in future you can nab her as well. Yes. He's like a pussy bank. You know what i mean

pussy bank i'd i'd i'd keep hold of that i'd keep hold of him yeah he's like a little cocker spaniel yeah please keep to sniff out the good stuff i'd like to say to joel though please do not trick yourself in no circumstances anyway think that she's just in an awkward situation and she's so lovely that she doesn't want to tell him but she has feelings for you that's not the case mate she wants dick she's flattered as well there's a part of it is a lot to do with um engaging with the flattery yeah that's wanting to that's definitely over the dick. That's it.

More than the dick. So you've certainly in a similar situation, you've chosen option run. Have you? I chose a dick every time. You chose a dick every time. Yeah, no, I don't. I do the running thing after I've knobbed her, probably.

Really? Yeah. Knobbed? Yeah. It's great great isn't it it's such a such a I've seen it

I've seen it on a show ages ago I said I'm having that and I've not referred to it as anything else since

to knob that's how I engage yeah sex yeah with a knobby arm with the with the Mancunian you as well

do you know the only other person i've ever seen use it was mickey flanagan in a joke and this is a comedian's joke i'm happy to do because it's on an old dvd of his yeah where he said you know when um prince william married kate and he was like she was at uni and they met in like second or third year she's probably like fucked they met in like second or third year. She's probably like, fucked other people. So like, there must have been someone

watching a royal wedding on the telly in a pub where his mate's been like, I've knobbed her. It's true, man. I've knobbed the future monarch. Boys and girls who are listening,

this has been an absolute pleasure. Yeah. We're going to call it to a close there. Shottie, where can we find, first of all, all of your stuff and all the Premier Battle stuff? So all my stuff is just at Shottie Horror, H-O-R-R-O-H. It's not spelled like the normal way.

And Premier Battles, just type in Premier Battles on YouTube. I'm going to do that yeah man and have a look and there's some some great new up and coming acts I listened to Danger early

I loved it thank you cheers man yeah like weirdly enough Shoot It was my favourite song of yours I recorded all that in Canada

which is weird it's like the most manc album I've ever done in my life and I did it in some basement in Forest Hills yeah but you always feel like you're more

like my my my british identity was so much stronger when i went when you go away because it's sort of concentrated isn't it have you seen that that little skit kevin and perry when they come back from that was me in toronto yeah i was like all right mate how's it going yeah are you fucking mad like no one understood what I was saying when I was trying to let them understand what I was trying to say

oh mate I went full blown fucking Hacienda on everyone I just did nah

I didn't do no pills but I was nearly gonna do pills just in the morning for breakfast obviously before I told people the two gateway battles to check

out if they want to get into battle rap in general would be uh tony the o'shea and you against arsenal if you were going to tell people the number one premier battles to go and watch not your own no i'd say don't watch us though what What is it? Oh, there's a few, man. I would probably say... Soul vs. Illmac? Soul and Illmac was good. Is that two? You've got to be more into it to get that?

Nah, I don't know. I think that's a good one. Definitely. Shuffle. Who did Shuffle battle recently with us? Nugget. Shuffle and Nugget was amazing okay um there's a few i think battle rap so nuanced and it depends what ff fans from here uh fans of comedy

and well-timed stuff i'd say watch any of the shuffle battles that we've had yeah it's great he's really good and when it drops on i imagine pay-per-view first and then on youtube shuffle tea and marlo against scapegoats yeah i'm so fucking excited about it i don't know we'll all be on stage rat ass laughing our heads off in it having an absolute i've cancelled a gig i was i was meant to be doing all three shows of hot water yeah and i've told them i can't do the first one so i'm still going to do the later ones but i've i've i j't do the first one. So I'm still going to do the later ones. But I jibbed the first one off six weeks ago when the tickets came out. Because I was like, I'm not missing that event. Sick.

Well, in future, don't buy any. We appreciate you supporting us 100%. But you'll always be our guest, man. So don't buy a ticket, man. Same to you guys. Alfred, you are on tour. Tour tickets at alfiebrowncomedian.com. alfiebrowncomedian.com.

alfiebrowncomedian on Instagram.fiebrowncomedian.com alfiebrowncomedian on instagram ab comedian on twitter oh yeah um thanks i'll i'll i'll get you right back um i also have a podcast called the alfie brown show which is me talking for over an hour and i do like it's really fucking great as well thanks mate it mate. It's really good. I've only just started it, but if you could go to my YouTube channel and follow it, I'd just be so overwhelmed with joy

because it's very algorithmically important. That brings us to a close. As always, patreon.com slash have a word pod. You get an extra episode every single week as well as all the bonus material we put out on top of that extra episode. You get 48 hours early access to these public episodes.

You can go to haveawaypod.com and get some merch, which is fucking flying out at the minute. And as I said at the start of the show, adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows. My UK tour is on sale to Patreons on the 27th of October and publicly on the 29th. Please get tickets. Come and see me do me thing.

Thanks very much as always for listening. Thanks to Shottie for coming in. Alfie for stepping in. Thanks for having me. We'll see yous again. Please get tickets. Come and see me do my thing. Thanks very much as always for listening. Thanks to Shottie for coming in. Alfie for stepping in. Thanks for having me. We'll see yous again. Ta-ra. Hit that button, lads. As women,

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