Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #144 with Garrett Millerick - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

UPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsGarrett's Albums:https://800pgr.lnk.to/MillerickWEhttps://800pgr.lnk.to/GarrettThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Now then, lids, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word. If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a patron. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday, pure, unadulterated, unfiltered Have A Word bullshit with me, Adam Carl, and to a lesser extent, the Fintern. It's behind a paywall. It gets a little bit loose. It gets a little bit squirrely. It's some of our favourite podcasting

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Runcorn, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl

with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Got this cold at the minute And it's giving me this like deep voice It's giving me a hard dick Yeah Keep talking Like Barry White

Barry Black Yeah I'm fucking keep talking like Barry White Barry Black yeah I'm fucking Barry White no I'm Barry Black because he's black he's called Barry White so I'm white so I'm Barry Black

Barry Black Barry Black okay sounds like the most shit like computer generated fucking player name on Football Manager

erm why what's going on you're just not very well. I've got the super flu. Oh. The super cold. Can't just be flu.

It's got to be fucking super flu, lad. You've got that fucking super flu. What is this bullshit super flu? It's just a cold that's a bit inconvenient. Right. So it's like a cold. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

I've seen your tweets. I'm really cold and I'm not well, but it's not COVID. What is it? It's just being not well. It like a cold. Yeah. Yeah, all right. I've seen your tweets. I'm really cold and I'm not well, but it's not COVID. What is it? It's just being not well. It's a cold. Yeah. People think it's either COVID or not. I've needed to sneeze since 9am and it just won't come.

Oh, it's in there? Yeah. Oh, they're fucking awful. Do you need some pepper or something? Or is that a little bit like old school? Like if you sniff some pepper, doesn't that make you sneeze? Are you like a witch from the 1800s? I don't think so.

I think I just saw cartoons. Oh, you mean to sneeze with? I thought you meant to like bake it into a medicine. No, I didn't mean like sweet red pepper. What are you making fucking pasta? I meant black, black pepper. Hey, Barry Black, I got your pepper brew. The best thing to do for

to sneeze is someone to spit and heel kick you in the face i don't think you've any right to talk about needing sneeze you've sounded like you've needed to sneeze since like september last year no one's been here kick me in the face and carl just wants to kick me in the face yeah yeah that's a hell of a patron exclusive i love it I love sneezing sneezing's fire I don't think you've ever sneezed properly I sneeze loads really yeah

you're trying to fucking start a fight get half your back at once sneezing they reckon is one eighth of a cum don't they what sneezing is an eighth

of a cum is it like serotonin wise serotonin wise like in your brain you get like an eighth of the like the gratification

you would get from a good old jizz on some tits what if you sneeze eight times in a row what's nice you cum you cum

you have to have a cigarette fucking hell sat next to a flower that's giving you the sneeze you're like bloody hell worth a fucking eighth either with you kid best fucking daffodil

I've ever had. Sneezing's just inconvenient for people around you, isn't it? Yeah, it's quite... Yeah, it's kind of fun. It's kind of fun. Unless you bruise

your rib in any way. I remember, like, that's not good. Do you say gazuntite? No. Because I'm not a paedophile. Anymore. Gazuntite!

Stay away from the school mate do you say bless you or bless your cotton socks I say cunt bless your cotton socks bless your cotton socks if someone sneezed near you and you went cunt I think sneezing

it's like loaded now isn't it like before it was like loaded now innit like before it was like alright now everyone's like oh god yeah that's funny my gran used to get she fucking died

when I was like 19, 20 years old but she used to get on a roll and that's why I said about the 8 sneezes in a row no

oh Finn that's so fucking weird Jesus you're allergic to chat about my dead gran No! Oh, Finn, that's so fucking weird. Jesus, you're allergic to chat about my dead gran. She used to get a roll on, so it'd be like one and then another, and she could literally go 10, 15 sneezes, which was just, I remember that on like a bus coming back from town

as a kid going, this is fucking great fun. As people were like, are you all right? She'd be like, like a dump valve on a fucking Vauxhall Nova. Ka-doo. What you're saying is 15 sneezes,

sometimes you watch your nan cum nearly twice. That's exactly what I was saying. And the weird thing is... Multiple orgasms? The weird thing is, even as a kid, that's what I was thinking. That's what I was thinking as a young child, a young innocent child.

I was like, fucking hell, Gran, you're not on holiday. We say bless you for the first one, save you for the second one and I can't afford to. I don't know why. Do you? Who says this?

Celica said that, I don't know, her mum's Irish and she says all weird shit. So I've caught it now. So now when, if we sneeze three times, like we're trying to get

three in a row. Bless you, save you. Because I can't afford afford to because i can't afford to it's good that i know it's an irish thing but like got some new merch coming there why am i having a good call even i just clocked myself going he's been really nice to me recently yeah fuck off bless you save you because i can't afford to four fucking sneezes and you're dead. That's it. But I'm enjoying my voice, do you know what I mean? I'm thinking maybe, like, I should start to sing. Barry Black songs.

1975, I bought you an album. What's a Barry White song? Oh, my darling, I can't get enough of your love, baby. My darling, I can't get enough of your love baby darling lower there you go you were too high now i got a little dick twitch oh it's like my nana on a bus she's got a dick twitch one more sneeze she'd be pressing the bus ding ding ding ding i'm gonna i'm gonna get off at the next stop i already have go on do it again lower lower go lower barry black after the stroke oh god

Barry Black. After the stroke. Oh, God. You know when you watch musicians live and they do it slightly different and a bit sort of... Yeah, live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a studio. Different.

Like Barry was like, in 1975 we brought you an album. Live was like... Barry's had a stroke like Barry's had a stroke Barry's had another stroke Fat Cunts had another stroke Barry

Barry White songs come on Finn you're a musician do you reckon there's any other podcast in the history of the world

and it's called Barry White Fat Cunts before lunchtime your little toes don't know the last word

that's Barry White yeah just the way you are you've got to go deeper though Luther Luther Vandross I could be him

you don't know any Luther you just thought of a big fat black man no Luther Vandross sings dance with your father doesn't he what be him you don't know any luther you just thought of a big fat black man no luther van dross sings dance with your father doesn't he what how does that one go lord she's dying dance with my father right i don't know i just did your mom like that or something something? No, I like it. It's a pretty X Factor song. That checks out. Everyone never sings it in X Factor.

It's basically... Can you sing it? Can someone sing it where he's not doing the... Back when I was a child I'd dance with my mother and me And then my father would lift me high hey invoices for all the

kitchen oil you need ladies because must be pretty damp down there my father that was quite good

I still don't recognise the song it's about his dead dad hang on what's the Luther Vandross

song that I there is a more famous one though isn't it can we get Luther Vandross the best things in life are free

except houses more famous one though isn't it can we get Luther Vandross up the best things in life are free the best things in life are free except houses um Bolloproof they're dead good Bolloproof was Luther Vandross yeah that song

doesn't hold any weight really does it the best things in life are free pasties are a couple of quid but a free pasty yeah but they

don't really exist do they unless you steal it no yeah you'd be suspicious if someone was like on the street went lad

do you want a free pasty you'd be like no can I give you something for it no no no we're just like giving out pasties

best things in life are free eh like hepatitis C I'm joking I'm joking enjoy your pasty little bit flaky some of it's pastry some of it's me sorry sorry it's too far that was too far it's one it's one of those songs where

like if you don't think about the lyrics you can be like oh yeah the best things like half free who love and having a piss when you need one but like oh that's true having a piss when you need one is very little cost, unless you're at like a Ponzi railway station where they're like, it's 20p. The best piss in the world is after the cinema when you've held it in for the whole film and you've got like a full ice blast

and a large coke in your bladder. No, but when you need a piss too much, have you ever been on a long drive and you're like, I have needed a piss for the last 25 minutes or something. And you're just like, I can't be arsed. There's no service station. So you get there and then you start weeing

and it's sort of a relief, but your dick's like, I've been holding this in for so long. It doesn't happen. Like it's not the most fun piss. It's slow. It's almost like your dick's going, I'm sorry. I've been holding it in now. I can't release.

Are you at the age where you don't finish a piss in one go? How old's that? Are you coming back at me, bro? This is what it's about, yeah? Bless you, bless me, and bless my fucking family. That's why we say me and Theraker, because we're fucking both gay.

We're from Bristol. That was very West Country. Was it? I was trying to do, yeah, all right, I'll give you that. Bless you, bless me, fuck my life.

Do you know, there is... No, I'm not. Thanks, Carl. She's asking. I don't know what age that is. That's 60. I think I've lost aim of my dick, though.

Aim? Aim with your hand? I'm a bit worried about my aim. I've been in a lot of splash in the last couple of years. Do you aim into the water or onto the porcelain? I've been struggling to hit either. Just a lot lot of like i've just getting a lot of like what's just what's

happened there are you having a good have you must be that easy for you i don't know what's happening it's like my dick's like i know exactly what it is i've got cum stuck in the pipe and it's making it go off it might even be fluff but it's happening a lot it's to the point where i'm like do i need to start doing sit down wheeze more often and that is a point where i could though yeah but you shouldn't need to do it like in in the night have you ever done this when you wake up for a piss in the night especially because we've got kids so you can't be like what you're like banging around you've got to just keep it quite quiet and sometimes putting the light on the landing is too much light the doors are open and it's a problem so i honestly think i know it sounds like i'm an old fucker but sometimes middle of the night if you've

had a beer sit down piss is sort of a safe option am i on my own there yeah or you have to you have to aim at the water so that you can hear that you're hitting the toilet and you're not just pissing all over the floor genuine yeah genuinely it's just i've lost you nodding away there yeah you piss in a plant pot i've been i've been officially you've been cancelled's just i've lost you're not in the way there yeah you piss in a plant pot and i've been i've been officially you've been cancelled i've had a few warnings recently i can't talk about my sex life on episodes even patreon because we've got some dads from to school that are patrons so laura's like i cannot know that i can't handle that and also like that's full warning and she even went you've been better recently

I was like okay she's checking yeah she watches hi babe you alright love you and is that you kissing that arsehole

that I'd love to before bed I'm not allowed to talk about it oh this is a good night this is a quandary isn't it do you need to do

this is a quandary I've been told not to talk about it. But it's come up after comments. I'd love to. I'd literally. I'd snuffle for truffles. Invent a hypothetical girlfriend that you're talking about. Not Laura.

If I was to have. Yeah. Oh, what? If Laura's gone? Anyway, she's Bruce. All right, it's too old now. Leave me, Carl. It's a surname.

It's Fiona Bruce. You can imagine if you're fucking Fiona Bruce imagine the plant pot I'm not allowed to pee in the plant pot anymore

I've had a full yellow card on that that's not allowed anymore so I am trying to get to the bathroom it is a full four metre walk

sometimes I still can't be arsed can you poo in the plant pot still though? Yes, of course. That's just soil. That's just nutrients for the plant, isn't it? Yeah, if anything, it's fertiliser.

Yeah. Take the plant out. Shit underneath it. Another's died! He'd kill plants. I am a little bit worried about my dick aim. I'm worried about my dick aim. Is it because it's small

and it doesn't know what I can't are you holding it yeah but it's just there's a little bit of like sprinkler effect is it like

um soaker on a on a hose are there different things oh you've got the different yeah maybe I just need to

twist my dick do it all comes out like that you need to you need a jet. What's the one that's... Mist. Mist, you don't. Mate, if your dick is doing a mist,

that is genuinely a worry. I mean, you can't be far from death there, can you? Piss and mist. Like you're trying to keep a killer whale cool at fucking SeaWorld. What's that, Shamu? Oh! Why are you pissing on whales?

I'm like, can you understand English? I wonder what they do at SeaWorld. No, they don't. Killer whales don't understand but they know what being pissed on is, don't they? Dolphins understand English, don't they? Do they? Yeah. If they're around it for long enough. They've got their own languages, dolphins.

They can understand language. So if you talk in an English language... The irony of you going, dolphins can speak good words. If you go around the dolphin and they get the words as well. There's some dolphin on fucking formby beach what what dolphins have got names haven't they with each other yeah yeah yeah yeah so if they can

understand that then they can also understand any language so if you take a dolphin yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah in bootle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in bootle. Yeah, it'll be a Scouse Dolphin. A bootle-ed Dolphin. A bootle-ed Dolphin. Dolphin turns up in Hugo Boss. Dolphin 260. Imagine a bootle-ed Dolphin. A bootle-ed Dolphin.

But like, they won't necessarily be able to talk because they haven't got the same vocal cords. Oh, they won't. Yeah, yeah, but they'll be able to nod. The Dolphin's not gonna be there. Like, what's happening? But if you go, what's happening? The Dolphin will put its fin up and be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they'll be able to nod. The dolphin's not going to be there. Like what's happening? But if you go, what's happening? The dolphin will put its fin up and be like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Have you had a good day? Yeah, he's had a good day. Some scran. What have they had? Right. See what I was doing? What I was doing? Cause you know, dolphins do that nodding thing,

but they don't go, nah lad. They haven't been trained to. Oh right, they haven't been trained to. One of his hands was doing that. No, nah lad. They haven't been trained to. Oh right, they haven't been trained to. One of his hands was doing that. One of his hands. You know, fish hands.

He's got fins, hasn't he? They've got like- Selfie. Finn the producer. Cause we haven't actually got fins like a dorsal fin, but we've got got Nah, come on They've only got little ones But like

You're a character Dorsals on a back I reckon you could teach a dolphin To wave at you Or sign language A dolphin with sign language Do you do wave? Hang on

Yeah, of course, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah But you They have taught Dolphins to wave, haven't they? At SeaWorld and shit Yeah So they could do that then

So they could do that then They could be like I'm on I'm full I don't disagree with anything apart from you going if you just talk around it enough like you're like

yeah if you literally stood next to dolphins going love to fucking like stick my dick in a dolphin's blow hole the dolphin would be like

say what no you'd have to teach it in a school you'd have to a school of fish Well done everyone Well done for letting that hang Just to hear his little smirk of regret Have you been to SeaWorld?

What? Have you been to SeaWorld what have you been to SeaWorld I went to SeaWorld in Florida when I was a kid I've been to Carl's to see his mum which is a whale

what have I done this morning no that for me was it's 2-0 with you and me Carl and that's the end

of it what's my score draw she is she isn't she 4-1 I went to it uncomfortable the the heavy mum jokes make you uncomfortable oh no I'm used to them now I'm used you know the only thing is I just worry that someone who loved my mum listens I don't if they're still fucking listening it's their fault I mean if you're like i can't believe that you said that about

dan's mum if you're still listening to these this fucking banter it's basically you know self-harm at this stage i think all of our listeners have a sort of accumulated naturally through other listeners recommending it to people who they know will enjoy the horrendous shit we say and that's why we mentioned it a couple of weeks ago. We got a lot of messages because there's the National Comedy Awards and we weren't nominated for Best Podcast. And I'm actually sort of happy.

First of all, it keeps us independent and no one's given us everything and we've built everything on our own, which is fucking phenomenal. But also, we don't get that sort of random, ah, I'll give that thing a listen that I know nothing about because there's going to be people who do that and hear this stuff and be like what the fuck is going on yeah and you know

what what i love about that is we we will have that all the time yeah people will see us we were number one in the podcast charts people will recommend it to more than one friend and some people will listen and be like yeah it's not kind kind of not my thing. And then they'll not download it again and go about their lives like fucking grown-ups. But the more people that go, oh, the Guardian are featured, have a word, and the more enchanted they'll be, this is not my humour.

Fuck the Guardian. You should never threaten to stick your penis in a dolphin's blowhole. Fucking bore off. Tweet about it. Just delete it and fucking jog on. Yeah, fucking negative YouTube comments as well. That is how dolphins have sex, isn't it?

No, that's a blowjob, isn't it? No, the mouth would be a blowjob, wouldn't it? A blowhole job. So hard to talk about dolphins and not talk about rape. Why? Because they're rapey, aren't they? Oh, do you like pack shag yeah like my lads i wish ishan was here for that fucking hey what it's bad it's bad that you said that type of shag in my way it was like ah ishan

you could really help us make that joke funnier it's mad how like good whoever did the pr for dolphins smashed it didn't they because like swimming with dolphins is like lifelong goal when in the in in reality they're rapists and they beat up sharks what smaller sharks not big sharks no dolphins beat the shit out of sharks not great whites great whites no yeah i thought great whites were like the cock of the sea. Dolphins are hard as fuck. No. But they work in... Great whites are bullies.

That's what great whites are. Great whites pick on things that they know they can fucking just eat, like humans and crabs. So we really see his research coming through. Sharks are afraid of dolphins. See? Dolphins are mammals that live in pods and are very clever. They know how to protect themselves.

When they see an aggressive shark, they immediately attack it with the whole pod. This is why sharks avoid pods of dolphins. Right, because there's basically, there's a gang, isn't it?

It's hit them early, isn't it? Let them know you're there. Because shark, great white sharks, by the way, now, we have teetered into, I actually love marine life

and I did zoology at university. We've got that commenter there on YouTube. See that? Please don't comment knowledge. Not interested. Comment jokes. I actually work with sharks. Actually,

we lost two dolphins to blowhole rape last year. I was recommending this part project from The Guardian. I've even got a laptop. That's the teaser. So great wikes are like, they don't, they're just always on their own, aren't they? Great wikes are,

I don't think they fuck around with their mates. Very solitary. Tiger Shark sharks got loads of mates tiger sharks like fam i grew up with you and i've known you since the in the ends back in the days mate yeah been tiger sharking around the ends move food in ends and that's the meaning of bone straw um what if great whites are actually just dead sound and no one's like just back because they've got no mates like no one's like sort of hyping them up yeah i think it's just because they keep biting things in half in it yeah but do you know is it just what just because they're lonely you ever

seen that happen with your own eyes or was it in a conspiracy yeah well i mean at that point jaws was propaganda yeah yeah dolphin propaganda that was made by a lot of dolphins so so dolphins are in pods but orcas now they're classic bad pr or Orcas, we talked about a few weeks ago, literally got called killer whales. They're terrible PR, aren't they? They're called orcas. Orcas are killer whales. They're naughty as well.

I thought that was people who see the future, but that's oracles, isn't it? It's different. It's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You very rarely see a pod of oracles trying to eat a sea lion.

Where's that sea lion going? Jill? Over there. Fucking clever these oracles, aren't they? That's how they hunt.

They see the future. Fucking hell, we better chase after him. Nah, nah. He did it. He's going to bear left. We'll just go over there. that's how they hunt they see the future fucking hell we better chase after him nah nah he's gonna bear left we'll just go over there yeah Shamu

Shamu you don't believe in anything like that do you you don't believe anyone can see the future nope neither human nor orca telepathic orca heroes in a half shell and fish going come by the way that would be a great great Disney film what the telepathic orca pitch it

hey you're getting some telly now Adam's gonna meet it with Disney listen either the telepathic orca or Jimmy

the rapey dolphin I don't think this is gonna work Adam don't worry set him boot up he's grown up got kicked out of school Dolphin. I don't think this is going to work, Adam. Don't worry. Set him boots up. He's grown up. Got kicked out of school for being a fucking dolphin.

He's selling fucking weed. Selling fucking coke. A fucking dolphin. I've got a bag of fleek. Pretty hard-hitting Disney film, to be fair. I think you might need to pitch it to Netflix. A bag of fleek. Pretty hard-hitting Disney film, to be fair. I think you might need to pitch it to Netflix. A bag of fleek. It's a drug-dealing dolphin.

Jimmy, the drug-dealing rapist dolphin. Coming soon to Disney+. I think I might have got the wrong studio, but there's something behind it. What's a telepathic author? How does that go? Author? Oh, God. Is that wrong?

It's a different word? It's just a while. It knows what's happening. Soon. Soon? Soon. No, I don't believe in... I don't believe anyone can know the future.

I just don't believe in any of that. Do you believe in reincarnation? No. No. When you're dead, you're dead. It dead it'd be nice though wouldn't it you've got you've you've literally laughed so much you've got because you've got a cold you've got a wee little like uh bogey in your nose and i'm literally i can't i can imagine with 4k cameras someone going and go get Adam's fucking nostril, like, just after the fucking Jimmy the rapey dolphin bit. 46th minute.

He's doing well for a call, isn't he? No, I don't. Do you genuinely think that anyone can know the future? I just can't rule it out. You know what I mean? I don't know. Yeah, I know, but you do. But no, people have predicted stuff before,

and it's come true, so. Yeah, poor. Throw enough shit against the wall. Anyone can predict anything. Yeah, they people have predicted stuff before, and it's come true, so... Yeah, but... Throw enough shit against the wall... Anyone can predict anything. Yeah, they can, yeah. Doesn't mean it's real. It doesn't, but it's been scarily accurate with some people, hasn't it?

What, like Nostradamus? Erm... Didn't the people who built the pyramids... Oh, here we go. Get ready for some facts. Hey, you didn't like sharks you're gonna love this didn't

didn't they predict like what yeah Leicester winning the league yeah they did Leicester winning the league if you actually

when they went in one of those was it Tutankhamun if you actually look in his tomb it said 2015-16 what about that octopus that predicted all the all the footy results in the World Cup? He was just getting scrammed. Same thing, innit?

Same thing. Paul, the octopus. Nostradamus never won the Euro millions. Fact. What a bag of shite. He predicted that someone would, and that was before the Euro millions existed. Yeah.

It's like someone's going to get fucking loads of dough for fuck all what what did Nostradamus predict what what did Nostradamus predict aye do you know no

Nostradamus what did he predict erm erm oh you go erm I think Vince is pulling it up

is he we want to know what you think he predicted let's not know the facts because the facts aren't when was Nostradamus was he Italian

oh he's French 1925 1925 yeah 1555 you were wrong there Carl by a few several hundred years

he collected a couple of wars 1555 and he was French right the belt did he hang on is Notre Dame named after him 55. And he was French. Right. The belt of... Did he... Hang on. Is Notre Dame named after him?

Nostradamus. Notre Dame. Right. Is he the hunchback of Notre Dame? Yeah. Yeah. How could we make this episode more retarded? I don't know how we could have done that then.

Amazing. It's Nostradamus Quasimodo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I thought that was Nol. He's on the £5 note, isn't he? I predict a riot. Right, go on.

That was the Kaiser Chiefs? That was the Kaiser Chiefs, wasn't it? He predicted the Kaiser Chiefs. Nostradamus. Nostradamus. This is so stupid. The Great Fire of London, he predicted. Whatdamus. Notredamus. This is so stupid. Sorry. He fired of London,

he predicted. What? He predicted the Great War. So he lived in 1555 in France, in Paris. It was all built by wood and there was London,

one of the other major cities in Europe, all built of wood and he was like, I think there could be a fire. I also don't respect that as a prediction because he could have

started the fire. It was 150 years later. He didn't start the fire. You don't know that as a prediction because he could have started the fire it was 150 he didn't start the fire you don't know that it was always burning since the world's been turning he predicted billy joel is that song about him yeah yeah it is yeah yeah yeah it's about the hunchback of not to dance Billy Trump it's so stupid it's giving me so he predicted the fire in London

yeah he said the blood will something burn through lightning he's chatting shit yeah the ancient lady

will fall from her high place several of the same sect will be killed yeah right I don't respect any prediction oh he's bob on with all of that money I don't respect any prediction The ancient lady will fall from her high place. Several of the same sect will be killed. Yeah. Right. I don't respect any prediction. I was bob on with all of that money. I don't respect any prediction that you can have an influence on.

Like, I could predict that I'm about to slap the table and go, that's what I'm fucking impressing myself. 140 years later, how the fuck could he have started the fire? He could have told his grandson to do it. He predicted the coming of Hitler. Did he? What did he say? This German nonce

With a bad haircut From the death of Western Europe A young child Born of poor people He'll be naughty Oh yeah Yeah yeah Bob on that

Bob on Did he predict Jimmy The rapey dolphin No Because if he did The Kennedy assassination He predicted

Yeah What did he... Go on. How did he say that? From on high, evil will fall on the great man. Shot and...

Oh, this is spot on. I can't believe it. Spot on. You can see why he's got his reputation. But hang on. If this is all he's said, why do we even know his name?

Why was anyone listening to this cunt? Because there's no telly. You should just sit downy this guy was the Chappelle of his era literally who's your favourite person from history Dan

thanks for asking Emily Davidson maybe who mine's David Copperfield he's still alive. So? Person from...

David Copperfield's still alive. He is. He isn't. What's your favourite era of... I love Tudor. I love the Cold War. Tudor England was great. When was the Cold War, Ethan?

Winter. When you're around winter. November? I think it was around November to Feb definitely freezing I love it I love it how

some things come up and I don't want to joke anymore like what's your favourite era oh well Carl it's actually Tudor England

like a fucking absolute quendo I can't do jokes anymore because I'm like, genuinely loved Wolf Hall. I loved ancient Egypt as a kid, to be honest. Right, yeah? Yeah, Pyramids and that, and the big cat. Yeah, so you obviously took it all in, didn't you?

Tutankhamun, just like... Oh, that sounds good in your Scouse accent. All the Scousers listening are like, that's exactly how you say that. But everyone else is going to say it again. Tutankhamun. Tutankhamun. Tutankhamun. How do you say it?

I don't know, mate. It just sounds fucking quality. Tutankhamun, yeah, fucking know him. You his brother. Jamie. Kamun. Jamie Kamun. It's a double bad old surname.

I'll tell you what. Tutankhamun was hard, but don't fuck with his brother, Jamie. Jamie can't move to fucking bang you out of it. He wouldn't even want you talking about him. Hey, Tootin's dead. But if you hear Jamie, Jamie hears you talking about him. Why the Tudors, Tom? Covered in bronze.

What? Why the Tudors? I just think it's a genuinely interesting point in our history that someone, a king, got married to his dead brother's wife. And it was an arranged marriage. And literally for 20 years, this old Spanish lady, who he didn't like, basically couldn't give him kids, just pissed him off gradually and gradually.

And he fucking messed up the whole country just to divorce her. He fucked us off from the Catholic church. There's other reasons going on. To basically get money from the church, dissolve the monasteries, and just so he could get some crazy hot pussy in Anne Boleyn. Like that is, and I'm totally oversimplifying, but basically this amazingly hot woman

who completely dick teased him, made him go, right, not only am I divorcing my wife, I'm going to- Invent divorce. I'm going to, yeah, invent divorce. I'm going to break from the Catholic church. I'm going to create a church.

What's the church going to be called? I think it should be the Church of England. Who's the head of it? Me! Like, just because he was like, gosh, it's Finch,

he won't fuck me. If Anne Boleyn had sucked Henry VIII's dick any time before their divorce, he'd have been like, oh, yeah,

probably just stick with this lot because, you know, it's easy, isn't it? Pope seems really annoyed. Let's not start a holy war that will have ramifications down the ages postures guilt amberlynn was like you ain't fucking this

until you've started a new religion that's how fit she was she was like i want i want a whole new religion you're ready for this jelly i don't think you're ready and apparently she had a sixth finger oh good for the little stinky i think's, I think she only gave him hand jobs with the little extra, and he was like, oh, oh, Anne,

what is this, you six fingered bitch? I don't think you're ready for this jelly because your church is just too religious for it, man. It took a little while, but I'll give it you. It was phenomenal. So you like that because of the rich

and he likes cats and pyramids? No, but I made a model of Egypt. When I was in school. Oh, right. And I helped me do it. Made pyramids and the Sphinx was hard, I'll be honest with you. The pyramids were doable.

Did you just paper mash age your pet cat? I was always just obsessed with the fact that no one's got a fucking clue how they were made. Yeah. So also, there's also something about ancient burial that is fascinating. Yeah. Like the higher status you were,

it must have been a motherfucker. And this happened in like ancient history as well. Like in this country, like warring, warlords were buried. If you ruled the area, when you you died you were put in a burial mound with like your best ship and there was other burial mounds put around it and all your stuff and sometimes your wife and sometimes some of your slaves were like in you go he's dead and i just find it fascinating like how is that not interested and that's what happened in egypt as

well isn't it those tombs were basically the kings and the richest people of the day were just thrown in there with all the shit. And there must have been some fairly poor people like, oh, imagine if we just didn't bury them with all the shit. Their sons must have been like, oh, for fuck's sake, could inherit that. Good TV, that.

It wasn't TV. They didn't have tellies back then. Maybe they did. They used to use sound, apparently, to move the big rocks, didn't have tellies back then maybe they did they used to use sound apparently to move the big rocks didn't he where have you heard that i just i think they used jews that's a rumor as well it was either no no it was either jew slaves or aliens they're the two competing or sound kaka no look at that boulder look kaka Ishmael

give it a nudge kaka so you think Jews carried rocks as big as this building yeah I think the Hebrews

built the pyramid do you right yeah I think so apparently they used like a technology that we can't access

sound waves and shit to move objects which is possible it wasn't like hey and it moved how did they get the top block on lots of jews how loads of hebrews how how'd you get it up there do you know how big the pyramids are they're big yeah what i've seen them it's like two machis on top of each other yeah but what if they built from the bottom and then just nudged it up? Have you thought about that?

What do you mean? Well, you get the top boulder, and then you put four underneath it. Up it goes. So how'd you lift the last one? I was just being stupid, but you were all looking at me like, what, that's fucking stupid.

I don't know. It was 100% aliens. Yeah. All right, cool was 100% aliens. Yeah. All right. Cool. Or Jew aliens. Yeah. Shout out Dave Chappelle.

How is that the thing that made me flinch? I would argue, rightly so. Hey, shout out H and Hebrews. They're a bad deal do you think what like gaston yeah um is there any ancient hebrews about yep yeah in our space well i need a break i need a break I think that's a good call I think it's a good break you know there's a

disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally but Manscaped have dropped a new ad it's important we love these guys

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20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20 aye we've got some questions James E have you got a favourite

hate crime erm hate crime where you commit a crime based on your hatred against a group

a group like an ethnic group I think that is Turkish, isn't it? Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's basically every time I bully Finn, I think. Yeah.

Is that classed as a hate crime because he's of ethnicity? You know, he's... Are you doing it because of that ethnicity? Partly, I think. Then that's a hate crime. It goes straight to the accent, doesn't it? But it's mainly the Welsh thing that gets me.

That's still a hate crime. Because I live on the border. Yeah. Yeah. Can't be. Come on, bro. It is. Hate crime's a prostitute. Do you feel like you're a victim of hate crime?

Yeah, I drew a line on whenever we recorded and I'm sticking with that line. Stupid Welsh line. You get a heavier sentence if it's a hate crime. So if you rob a gay person's house

and they go, he did that because this is a gay house you have managed there to give an example that i don't think has ever happened in any any form of the law no this was a gay burglary you know how i know they took all scatter cushions they took all the... Scatter cushions. They took all the ABBA albums. Scatter cushions. Brilliant. I'm not a big burglar.

It's gay. No. Oh, no, but they took what they knew would hurt them. A signed Sam Smith poster. Bastards. Anyway, I just wanted to get your thoughts on that before we started this section. Thank you.

Thanks for that. Gay burglary. Gay burglary. A gurglary. Oh, hang on. Gay and burglary. A gurglary. That sounds gay.

What are we doing? I don't know! But you started that one. That's on you, that one. Don't be like, wow, what are we doing? I don't know But you started that one That's on you That one Don't be like Wow what are we doing You definitely

You drove the fucking bus Into the wall there What I just love doing Is you know You do all this lovely press Just to fuck it up Just love Dan have you ever

Fingered a stranger? Before you ask a question You've definitely fingered a stranger Yeah Yeah that's true Isn't everyone a stranger when you finger them? Everyone What is that how you meet people?

Nice to meet you Carl I don't know you Shake my hand all you want Until I've had my fingers inside you You're a stranger to me And that's how I ruin every family wedding A stranger is a friend you haven't made yet Right

Yeah I can make friends without fingering Alright I can't It's a friend you haven't made yet? Right. Yeah, I can make friends without fingering. Oh, right, I can't. It's a friend you haven't made yet, not a friend you haven't called yet. Finn, that's where we've been going wrong. See you later. You got any questions, Sam?

Yeah, have you? That you just thought up and would fucking be weird and slightly upsetting? Have you ever punched someone from an ethnic minority, punched someone from an ethnic minority, a child from an ethnic minority, for no reason? Dan. I got this question.

I thought of it 12 seconds ago. James E. says, Hi Lids, question about Adam's tour. I mean, I'll read it how you wrote it. Hi Lids, question about Adam tour. I'll be in Liverpool, start of Feb, and looking to come into Hot Water, where Adam's on. If you were on, oh, sorry.

If you were on, would you be doing any content from your tour? So James, I think he's sort of like trying to articulate the same thought. People are coming to see us on our circuit gigs and then they're like oh what would happen if you're on tour so i've booked the leads date but wouldn't want to spoil it by seeing half a show in hot water so uh will you be doing any content from your tour at your circuit gigs so your tour starts in february yeah and you're doing so from now so from now until february i will be

using my circuit gigs to get the material ready to go on tour with so we've said this before if you want to come and see a brand new hour of stuff every year from your favorite comedian just go to their tour shows if you come to a comedy club first of all you might see stuff from the last tour that you've seen before second of all you might see brand new stuff that isn't very good yet and thirdly you will definitely see stuff before it goes on the new tour there isn't a complete like some comedians are not like there some comedians have the same club set for 20 years and then write a new tour show i use my club gigs my circuit club gigs to get me tour show ready so yeah from, from now until February, if you see me live in a comedy club, you are going to see probably 20 to 25 minutes

of what will end up being an hour long tour show. Yeah, and that doesn't mean that if you've seen us on the circuit, you've seen everything that's going in the tour, there'll be loads more. Genuinely, if you really like what Adam does, if you really like what I do, you'll be able to see us on the circuit and then come to see that tour show

and not be disappointed. You might have seen highlights of some of the bits, but what you'll find is that some of those bits that you think you've seen completely will be longer or a little bit like there'll be extra bits added on in the tour or they'll come as part of like a bigger bit like it's as a fan of comedy i love seeing people stretch their legs at edinburgh shows and on tour shows it's a different type of performance there's you get more from it the the weekend

circuit stuff particularly the weekend circuit stuff is punchy it gets straight to the funnies but there's so much more if you're a fan of comedy about the journey to those big funnies and i don't think you'd be disappointed if you saw both no i don't think you would but i to make sure they're not disappointed they need that information like the doctor's routine i've been doing for what two months now that's going in me tour i'm about to retire it from circuit gigs because it's done and it's ready and that'll probably go on the tour i might do it a couple of times at christmas or hot water but yeah if you come and see me in the next couple of months you are going to see bits of what will be in the tour by time it gets to the tour they'll be longer they'll be better they'll be sharper there'll be more punch lines and there will obviously be another 40 minutes that you haven't

seen if you've seen 20 minutes on at a comedy club but yeah there absolutely will be repetition and if you want the tour date to be completely new to you and not anything you've seen before don't come and see me between now and then that's why i'm not retweeting any of the gigs that i'm doing on the circuit and i think there's going to be a conversation soon because you've had a bit of pull for a wee while now all of a a sudden I've got a pull. Not like this though. No, yeah. I can tell promoters are like, could you retweet and try and get some listeners in? You're like, no, not really. I can occasionally where I'm not doing it all the time. I want people to be coming to the tour.

Yeah, I'll do it at my leisure. Yeah. Like if it's for the mate, like I did Dean Coughlin's new gig on Monday this week. Oh my God, at the Jacaranda? Yeah, it's great. I'm 100% going to that gig. It's a lovely little gig.

It's a sign-up show. So it ran from eight o'clock till midnight the other night. Because the way he's running it is, if you're a comic and you turn up and you say, I want to get on, you get on. But he's now going to cap that at 20 sign-ups because he had like 28 comics turn up going, I got five minutes, yeah?

Do you get, if you're a pro-act, do you get to choose where and when you go on? So he's putting a pro-act on Because I'm not going at quarter to midnight. No, he's putting a pro-act on at the start for 15 minutes every week. I'm going for that. That's exactly what I want. So I opened it the other night and just tried out some newer

bits. Got a really, really good joke about people get up early in the morning that I sort of ad-libbed on the way it's a fucking I will not enjoy that joke what is the history of the Jacaranda? Hot Water used to be in the basement

and it was where the Beatles did their first ever gig right equally important yeah it was also where the first script of Jimmy the Rapy Dolphin

was written was yeah yeah fact it's Liverpool Heritage isn't it fact Liverpool Heritage

Jimmy the Rapy Dolphin do you remember that yeah you grew up on it didn't you we grew up on it

every week we'd sit down watch the same film and my dad would be like hey while you're watching this don't forget to remember it was written in the jack and don't for fuck's sake go out and stick your dick in any blow holes wasn't even smoking um i can't i want to come to Dublin I want to come to the Dublin date I don't know how I'm going to make that happen but you are doing Dublin

and I am not don't want to come and support I want to come up you'll be are you going to Dublin as well yeah I want to come to Dublin

Finn should we go to Dublin alright Dublin's sold out I'll treat Finn I'll treat Finn to a flight to Dublin because I've been bullying him racially for ages the amount of people is Dublin

we had a Jew and Finn because me and Carl were already going two doubled us four I meant the I meant the Irish capital I meant the Irish capital

Dublin no no no you the amount is doubling you took the sound of the name of that city yeah by the time this goes out

there'll probably be a second Dublin date on sale. Even the date of Dublin? What happened with Dublin? I knew Dublin was going to sell well because of the amount of Irish listeners we've got. Shut up. If you say Dion, I'm turning your mic off. I genuinely thought so.

I know. In my head, I'm almost like, can you hear me going, Dion? That's what the city is named after. It's named after Dion. They love that. They love that. It used to be called

something else. And then he played for Aston Miller and they were like, do you know what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Him. When we booked it in,

they were like, right, we've got one room that's like, I think it's like 200 seats and one room that's 70. And I was like, well, we'll do the 200 and they were like,

English acts don't sell and it's sold out in about an hour and a half. So I think on the Sunday well we'll do the 200 and they were like English acts don't sell and it sold out in about an hour and a half so I think on the Sunday we're going to do that really small room and I think we're adding

the Monday in the bigger room we're trying to anyway you'll know you'll have already seen by now if that's happened adamro.co.uk

forward slash shows I've had a guy who books a gig who I asked if I could do the theatre. He went, I can't put something in that's not going to sell. And because the tour sold so well, I got a message from them going,

yeah, I've dropped the ball on that. Do you want to add it? But I can't add it now because I've put a date in the region. It's going to fuck off everyone who, I'm not doing it. I'm not pissing everyone off I'm not going to add a Sheffield date, I'm not adding a Newcastle date because of that, because people from Newcastle have bought tickets to Stockton

if I now go, oh I'm going to put Newcastle on I'm just going to wait until the tour after but it's funny how people really underestimate this podcast and like I sort of, in Dublin do they know? I don't know but I think everyone's working it out now

aren't they? But this has got some pull. Question from Jordan Pilling Alright Lids on the topic of this week's fixture of United versus Liverpool

since a young age my dad has shown me what it's like to support Man United obviously I've grown up watching them but now he's made a post via Facebook describing how he's lost touch with United

and now wants to support Liverpool. Am I going mad, or is he just an armchair fan? Can I read you the post? This is the post on Facebook. I have a couple of simple rules that my dad taught me when I was young. This is the dad, by the way. So he's talking about Jordan's granddad. If you like a club, then believe in it and follow it through thick and thin,

rough and smooth. But whenever you lose faith, loose faith in the team that you love, if it doesn't mean anything to you anymore, then sever all allegiances and start afresh. Just don't give up football. A very apt statement from my late father, who never fucking said it, but one which has seriously affected my beliefs in the institution

that I supported. I am severing, I love it, I was doing it like a press conference, I am severing all allegiances with the team that I have supported for four decades. I've simply had enough, with immediate effect, from mid-Z to D

I will be changing my club to Liverpool Football Club if this is brilliant when he's already on the defensive if you're a family member or friend then if you were offended

by my choice simply unfriend me it's my life my choice and now my football team it's like he's changing gender many thanks to all those

who have stuck by me on this footballing decision because you are many thanks to all those who have stuck by me on this footballing decision because you are allies and to all those who hate me for switching institutions then it's your problem not mine

so that's Jordan Pilling I'm telling you right now I know there's a lot of hot topic on the trans issues at the minute I draw the line the transition in football clubs

you can cut your dick off and turn it into a pussy all you like you are not buying a Liverpool shirt. I will find out your name. I'll make sure the club store bars you and everyone you know from buying a Liverpool top.

You're not fucking welcome. No. Public execution. United are shite now. We don't do pussy on this because Dan knows how wide all our fucking listeners are. United are shite.

They're not even that bad though. They are. No, they're not like. They are. Jesus Christ. They are fucking seventh in the league or something give me a fucking break if that's what it takes and find your daft cunt just take your punches you pathetic gimp you can't just switch to the best team on the planet

just because united are fucking shit no we have three decades of not winning a title if you get to 30 years then we'll let you join if you're not going to go 30 years having a league title I'll buy you a shirt myself but then again if you're one of our listeners

dad you'll probably be dead in 30 years I will take a shirt to your grave and I'll put it there can I say that this is such an uncomfortable feel

that Jordan who I guess is probably a younger lad, like, has worked this out, and that his dad, like, who definitely should know, but you've supported a team for four decades, four triumphant decades, and now you're like, I just can't.

I'm breaking all allegiances. What a fucking joke. Shitbag cunt. And no one is impressed by this. So you think, anyone who doesn't believe, support my decision, he, in his head, I think he's like, Man United fans are going to say

that I'm a dyke jumper and a traitor. Mate, no Liverpool fan wants anything to do with you. No. The thing is, you can't. If I tried to support another team, I physically couldn't do it. That's why I can't properly I tried to support another team I physically couldn't do it that's why I can't

properly pick a team for the NFL yeah you can't put the emotion into it there's no connection you wouldn't care yeah but what happened with me

with the NFL is I started supporting it for the first year I just picked the Jets to just annoy my housemate who was a Giants fan and then he literally

after the season was like I know you don't get this but it's not annoying because the New York Giants fan and then he literally after the season was like I know you don't get this but it's not annoying because the New York Giants and the New York Jets are in different divisions in different conferences

you are using football of like oh I'm a Giants fan so I'll be a Jets fan you must be big rivals they're not even that arsed about each other they never play

they might play once every four years so I was like and then I was like I watched the Jets a bit I was like I'm genuinely going to every four years so I was like and then I was like I watched the Jets a bit I was like I'm genuinely going to choose a team

so I chose the Saints and again after a season I could have probably changed again but I really did like the Saints that's eight, nine years ago

and then it just starts creeping in it needles in and in that time we have lost two games in the sort of like conference championship and the divisional

rounds that were so close when we could have gone on to super wars and those defeats and how much i cared made it like i think they've cemented that sort of like but still like it's this is beyond that isn't it because this is 40. It's so unheard of. This isn't just you going, oh, I started supporting the LA Lakers and now that they're not as good this season. Like, I almost think you'd get forgiven for like your Scottish team

or like an American team. But this is the football team that you've supported for 40 years. It just, it's horrible. Like, what are you doing? It reeks of like like would Jordan's dad do you know what I'd respect here

do you know if he went do you know what I'm done with United and I'm done with modern football at the top level I'm going to support like a

like a non-league or a lower league club and like a local club like I'd go alright I sort of get that like I understand why a lot of

old school football fans like Eddie Brimstone who we had on this couch is sort of completely dis. Like, I understand why a lot of old school football fans, like Eddie Brimstone we had on this couch, is sort of completely disillusioned with how football has been sort of infected and ruined with money. Yeah, because he was on the terraces in the 70s and 80s. Yeah, so I understand that older guys going,

this is not what I got in for. Like, I think I might be like that if I was of that age, but I've grown up with the Premier League. So, and I'm obsessed with Liverpool winning the biggest honours

on the planet. I haven't got that need to go, this isn't what I know, so I'm going to a lower league. He has, you can't go from United to Liverpool.

He's got to be taking the piss. Yeah, it's literally, he's not welcome and I'm a Liverpool fan. It's an awful tendency, isn't it? It's like, oh, my wife of 40 years has just been diagnosed with cancer.

You're like, I just feel like your sister is fitter. You know? It's worse than that. And anyone who's annoyed at me can unfriend me. But now I'm with Bev. But you can't do it emotionally. I did the Redmen TV the other day the Liverpool fan

YouTube and podcast channel who've been very kind to us haven't they they've been good guys we love them yeah and we were talking about

the fact that we've got to enjoy this period of success as Liverpool fans where we're doing that to United you know we're in the running for the biggest honours

on the planet because the days United are having now the reason their fans are struggling so much like he is and that they've never been through it they've had this two decades of dominance and they don't recognize that the things that oh well we've signed a couple of players so we're in the title race i did that for years when gerrard and torres were there and we had decent teams and you always convince yourself oh we could catch those teams that are above us

who've strengthened. United are doing what Liverpool did in the 90s and the noughties that's what they're going through but as Liverpool fans of my age right now

we've been through the shit where and I know I'm talking from a position of football and privilege here we're not like Sheffield Wednesday who've gone down several tiers or whatever. But we've been that mediocre mid,

sort of seventh and eighth Premier League team. Good, but not great for a while. Yeah, and it's almost worse than being shit. Because you just know that by fucking January, your results don't really matter because you're going to stay up and you're not going to qualify for anything. I don't know, man.

But Liverpool are going to have these days again. And you've got to just accept that they're there and that they're necessary to rebuild and go again and win titles. This fella's pathetic. And by the way, this is not a lot of these. There won't be a lot.

And there won't have been a lot of Liverpool fans that got to the early 90s on the soonest and went, right, I'm not doing this anymore. Because the 70s and 80s were amazing, weren't they? I don't, I just think it speaks. I love how Jordan, good for fucking hotting him out. Because what is this about?

It's awful. But Jordan knows because he's one of ours. Fucking one of ours. It won't last long. I still feel guilty about binning the Jets because I didn't like the feel. I feel really guilty about binning the Jets, the Rams and the Philadelphia Eagles

and I'll feel even worse maybe you're a bear for life now lads I'll feel even worse next year when I've been in the Bears and support whoever's in Wembley next year

if we rebrand our colours Adam's in the merch store even if we don't if the Denver Broncos come over I'll get one of their tops as well same colours

they are the same colours yeah they are Aaron says what's good lids needs a bit of advice here guys I've been on a swingers site

I'm 22 already Aaron Aaron I respect your style I received a message from a guy asking to join in with him and his sub

for a threesome I thought you were going to say son then with no his sub for a threesome it's not Olly Gunn

or Schultz his sub for a threesome. It's not Olly Gunnar Scholz. His sub for a threesome. It was a great experience. Then the day after I went back to her house and slept with her again. Nice. I still live at home and said to my parents, I was seeing an older woman that I knew from work. I said she was in her thirties, but she's actually 48. Unsure of how to tell my parents that she's actually 48 and we met on a swinger site, do I just live with a lie or tell them the truth on how we met? Love the pod, you sexy bastards.

That's from 8A Ron. Why do you need to tell your parents about this? I know. You're an old man. Why are you telling your mum that you're shagging fucking pensioners? How old is mum? Pensioners. Bro, come on, bro. Pensioners. how old's his mum pensioners bro come on bro pensioners you're not 48 don't worry about it

not far off seven years away from your pension my fucking sex bus pass just keep 22 on a swingers site the balls on A.A. Ron! I love him!

Nah, I'm not into Tinder. Plenty of fish is done. I'm on a swinger's site banging some old dude's 48-year-old submissive. Sounds great. Submissives sound good, don't they? Suck my dick. Clean my car.

And get me a Capri Sun. There's some things, there's some drinks that are so innately, like, childlike. It's just awful, isn't it? Like, suck my fucking dick and then get me a fromage frais. Sunny day.

Lick out my arsehole and get me a munch punch. Smoke in a pipe with a face. Get us a fucking fruit shoot it's jimmy the rain i don't know what you're doing on swingers sites at 22 but it sounds fun there's there's a the 40 year old in me he's like why didn't i do this shit because the internet wasn't invented shut up just shag on and don't tell your mum. Yeah. How open are you with your parents?

You're like, I need to, obviously I need to tell them exactly what I'm doing. Maybe he found out about this website from his parents because they're top shaggers. Oh, so he's from a long line of swingers. Maybe he walked into their bedroom and they were just getting pile-drived by loads of people they mess on his website. And he was like, dad, dad, I'll leave now.

Where'd you sort this shit out? And he was like was like oh it's bangastrangerswife.com and he's got a nice one and he's really fat maybe he wants to just let them know i've used the website and i'm shagging that's your reaction though isn't it you're like bloody hell mom and dad's room man keep it down if you left the tv on oh it's a gangbang sorry my initial reaction is i'm going to leave now where did you find out about this gangbang gangbang getting piled right yeah but that's what would get your attention isn't it yeah i just think just do whatever you want lad and you don't need to tell your mom and dad just keep it to your fucking self you are to go on such a weird sex journey if at 22 you are already on Swinger's website and knocking on them 48-year-old subs

for a munch punch. Is he asking them to get involved? What? Maybe he's asking them to get involved. His parents. Who? Come with me. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Why else would you tell them? Right. I think that's a very specific website, isn't it? Piledrivers? Pilingstrangerswithmemumanddad.com Yeah.

Forward slash piledrivers. What was that? Oh, really? Dot org. I reckon it's an org. Charity. Nonprofit. Dot gov.

Dot Cornwall. Cornwall.wall you're welcome you okay? I was just disappointed with my own joke just had a little moment lovely to watch I really prefer

Jimmy the rapey dolphin than Cornwall jokes we've mentioned rapey dolphins quite a lot today but there's been something going on over the past couple of weeks I don't know whether you've seen much of ity dolphins quite a lot today but there's there's been something going on over the past couple of weeks

I don't know whether you've seen much of it there's been a lot of was that a screech there you go it was to be fair it actually

wasn't but it now I realise where you're going and I'm like okay okay let me close this laptop

there's been a lot of rapey men, hasn't there? And there always is because men are horrible cunts. Yeah, Finn. Have you seen the spiking shit that's going on? Yeah.

You uncomfortable? It's just fucking awful. I need to talk. If you want to talk about it, we can talk about it. I do want to talk about it. It is uncomfortable. I think we've got a very

laddy fan base even the girls we have listening I think are very involved with lad humour and we'll have some lad mates won't we do you know what I mean

and so for years girls have had to worry about like shit getting put in their drinks and stuff and girls have now started with like

there's certain things you can get like plastic covers to go over cups in nightclubs they've been around for ages I've heard of them ages ago or like cellophane There's certain things you can get, like plastic covers to go over cups in nightclubs. They've been around for ages. I've heard of them ages ago.

Or like cellophane over it so you could just put your straw in and there's no other hole. If you're poor, bring your own. Like your gran's jam. Can I start my cling film behind the bar? And some fucking horrendous cunt lads have just taken things to the next level and they've started injecting girls with like date rape drugs i seen one thing on sam showed me it yesterday someone got jabbed with an injection in pizza hut like they're not even just doing it in nightclubs obviously nightclubs is where a lot of it's happening there's been a big boycott of nightclubs this week and um there's lads taking syringes with drugs that would rehypnol essentially liquid rehypnol in into um bars and injecting

girls with but one one fucking horrible concern at pizza hut and i seen there's a there's a club owner in Liverpool. He's one of a group of people who owns several of the big nightclubs. I'm not going to name the nightclubs or him because he posted this on his personal Facebook page. He said, Gales, just to let you know, I think I speak on behalf of a lot of venues in town when I say if we catch a lad spiking your drink, he's not getting handed to the police

we will hand them to an ambulance crew and i think that's how this shit gets fucking dealt with to be honest with you if me carl paul blair paul smith tony carroll and all the lads we go out with or josh and steve from school were in liverpool i hope i'm not just speaking out of turn for all the lads if we seen something like this happening this lad would be dragged and beaten within a fucking inch of their life and that's what they fucking deserve giving them to the police so the police can go no you shouldn't do that give us that needle and go back to your night out or we'll keep you for 12 hours in the militia these are horrible horrible cunts and if lads are doing this I've seen videos where lads are

like distracting girls so their mates can put stuff in people's drinks if anyone you hear of is doing this or you've heard someone's doing it and you're a man you should be pulling these fucking lads up and fucking questioning them on it and if they're doing it they deserve a slap and they deserve ostracizing from any group of friends this this can't be going on like we've all got sisters we've all got be going on. Like, we've all got sisters. We've all got cousins. We've all got girlfriends. We've all got...

We've got to start listening to these girls. The amount of effort these girls have to go in to on nights out, on walks home. People... There's a video today of a woman getting fucking attacked with a needle in the streets in broad daylight in London. They can't go to fucking shops at the minute because there's horrible rapey cunts who just want to do whatever it takes to get their fucking dick wet. It's pathetic and as far as I'm concerned, the vigilante justice

that was proposed on Facebook by this lad that I know is absolutely valid. Yeah, I think it's time for a bit of vigilance in it because it just can't go on. Just check your mates. If everyone checks their mates. Yeah, and it's again, it's a tiny minority, isn't it? But it's not a problem for young women.

This is a problem for all of us. And I know that sounds like I'm doing that thing of like, I'm an ally, but this is a problem for everyone, because we've all got friends, mates who are women, sisters, and I've got a daughter who will one day be going out so it's all of our problem

fucking hell. If I seen something like this happening especially to a girl that I know or a girl that I love me cousin Dolly or Sam

or Seneca if we were in a night house and I seen anyone attempting something like this I'll end up in jail because I'll see red and I will I will go fucking berserk.

I'm sorry for using that word, but it was right in front of me. It's a very hot topic of a word on Scouse Twitter at the minute. Properly berserk. It needs fucking sorting and fast. And everyone, if you're on a night out and you see a girl who is completely legless and there's a large source of helping her towards a taxi, question it.

Okay, it might be her boyfriend. It might be her gay best friend. It might be a lad she knows from her house or whatever. It might not be. It might not be. And I'm telling you right now, it's definitely worth going over and going, what's going on here?

And if she acts like she doesn't know this guy, get a doorman, get someone else involved. You don't have to tackle these people on their own because if they've got needles to be stabbing girls with, they might have something else in their pocket as well. And if it happens outside Pizza Hut, definitely fucking ask. Yeah.

I think the police really need to get involved. Sorry, I couldn't resist. I couldn't resist. It's insane. How do you get that ready? What do I do? I'm a deep pan pepperoni. Am I going to get a garlic bread and cheese?

Am I going to rape someone I don't know sorry that's my syringe you have to buy syringes you have to prepare it there's so much premeditation going on it's insane there's so much effort and disgusting consideration

going into how do I get a girl that doesn't want to fuck me to fuck me it's horrendous there's no comedy in it it's pathetic these men are pathetic and anyone who knows that it's going on or fucking assists it by distracting women you're as bad if not worse fucking sort it out have a word with your mates have a word with people who aren't your mates and fucking stop it happening and do whatever it takes to make sure these people get their comeuppance

that's the name of the podcast you know have a word yeah on brand break time keep an eye out for the calls

alright wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive we've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie this real this is

an add this oh for the match for the merch that you're wearing get one of these ones but when you buy it get one that fits you they come in different sizes but I would definitely maybe

order one size up unless you want to feel like it's a timey girl starter bra have a word pod dot com is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite

that you're wearing at the minute we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking pedo get some merch but he can't help himself

but look at them look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it I like you I think you look good fucking pathetic

but you'll look better in have a word pod merch that's what I was saying just in a more polite way Fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com. If you can't read. Get on me.

Sound good? All right? I mean, I was necking some water as you pressed record. You feeling better you're feeling fresher no i just had a roast dinner for brunch literally in the gap between we recording part one and part two we went over the cafe and they were like i've got a pork roast dinner today and i was like i'll have that i'm ready for a nap yeah do they think it's christmas i wouldn't put it past them to be like what is it christmas should we do our christmas song for them and it's a parody of my vein and it's called do they think it's christmas and we just release it late october every year we should do they think it's christmas with this roast Gary Miller it's here hello Dan

hello Adam hi I've not had a roast I've in fact had nothing yeah yeah yeah I've not eaten

I've not eaten all day because I asked you to do this at midnight last night was it midnight yeah it was near it was near midnight wasn't it

I was just about I was just about going to bed and you live in I live in Chelmsford in Essex yeah and I'd actually

taken two days off because I'd been really I'd been driving up and down the country and I was like, I'm going to take two days off. I'm just going to hang out at home. I'm going to watch TV. I'm going to chill.

With your infant child. Yeah, with my infant child. And then, nah. Yeah, so I had a couple of beers last night and then he texts me and goes, do you want to do the pot? I'm like, yeah.

Yeah, I'll do the fucking pot. Yeah. You should always try and book the pot at midnight. Midnight. That's where we've been going wrong. The next day for people who live in the south but you actually you asked me to do the pod last year yeah and i was all set to come up and do it in lockdown two or one of one of the lockdowns uh but my wife was pregnant and she was like i'm worried about so you can't so i was like you know fair enough um so yeah i i cancelled on you so i felt like now you'd ask me again and i you know what last time i i pushed it out and and now you've asked again and i technically

am doing nothing tomorrow and i do have 10 hours of that hillary mantel order or hillary mantel audiobook about the french revolution to finish so why not uh so i don't think that is ever going to be used again as an excuse for for doing have a word i've got that hillary mantel audio book and i thought i know i'll pair this with have a word yeah we were nearly just gonna every now and then we don't have a guest on a public episode and we just do it yeah um and that's through a combination sometimes we've gone should we just have a break and just do us and there's been times where people have cancelled very very last minute this date that we're recording on the 28th aren't we i've asked like loads of people who are like nearby or whatever there's and i know you live in essex so i i spoke to you last week when we did

hot water together i was like well we have a point and you said you want to do it and you went you don't have to travel i went i'll travel and you were like right okay, we have a point. And you said, you said you want to do it. And you went, you don't have to travel. I went, I'll travel. We didn't hold that COVID shit against you. That was like, we've had some polls where you're like, you're like, get a little, it wasn't me.

My wife is a spoiler. But that's yeah. In the old panty D if you're pregnant. I mean, I came in every, every week with my wife. It is. Is it socially distanced? We're like, no, it's a bubble.

We're in a bubble. And Adam still shows up to work when he's full of germs. It's like post-COVID, you arrive, you go, I'm full of flu. That's how you grow a fucking podcast, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He missed last week. I can't miss this week. You have to have gaps between us missing weeks.

So I've got a cold. I've done tests. It's not COVID. I've just got that super bug shite that's going round. Yeah, I've had it three times. It's a super bug. Yeah, yeah. No immunity to it whatsoever.

What are we talking? What is this? Isn't the bug always going round? Garrett, come on. Not you, man. You're not the guy that goes, I've had the super bug three times, surely. Well, it was a bit of flu, isn't it?

Yeah, all right. There you go. It's a bit of a cold. Do you mean three times ever or recently? Recently. I went up to Edinburgh and got it up there and then I came back and it only lasted like a day and then a couple of days.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. I don't usually do this to a guest so early on. Yeah, do it, do it, do it. So you just, you go up to Edinburgh. Yeah. Then the day, for a day after, you sort of feel rough and I mean no no it wasn't that look okay yeah it sounds like a hangover no no I can own a hangover no this is like a

super bug and it really came on at about one two o'clock in the in the loft bar when I was doing Sambuca no loft bar this year though so all right there's no industry or anything it was just uh fantastic yeah it was great it was. Yeah, it was great. It was the comics and audiences. It was Edinburgh's Prague Spring. Yeah. Can I just tell you, the way everyone who's made it out, it's like there wasn't even buildings.

We just did comedy in the meadows. Yeah, it was that. There was 12 locals and one fucking... Yeah, we showed up at the train station and there were just thousands of Scottish people and we stood on the carriage of the train like Lenin coming to St. Petersburgburg it was like the english people are back with the comedy and they went oh thank you um four stars minimum uh none of that none of that

none of them you've had super flu three times did you get it last night after those couple of tins i didn't know i'm absolutely that's super flew up the M6 yeah we first became friends in Edinburgh a few years ago didn't we because we had a similar show time and our show venues were about

two or three hundred yards away from each other yeah yeah yeah and we had a bit of a catchphrase that sort of we kept bumping into each other and we were both having the best Edinburgh run

either of us have ever had and at one point I don't know whether it was me or you that said it like hey not bad for a couple of club comics it was definitely you it was me yeah i'm not a club comic i used to work in the theater just in a bolshevik revolution he's definitely not the standard club coming um but yeah yeah we were we were doing we were doing

quite well despite uh despite also being able to do quite well in basements yeah yeah doing the jumping from being able to talk for 20 minutes to being able to talk for 55 yeah and uh having the guardian go yes it's fine um which they did i managed to watch all of it yeah without vomiting yeah um but that edinburgh was a big kickoff for you wasn't it because that's where you first sort of got a bit of a tv break we were talking about this last week we went for the pint garrett is so middle-class straight and white man that he got his first tv break on conan in los angeles like he can't he can't get booked on a panel show over here because they're like, we can't have you.

We've had people who look and sound vaguely like you before. Conan was like, no, you're actually really good in stand-up, so we'll have you over here.

Yeah, yeah, so I got to go to, got to go to Disneyland and everything. It was great. Was that part of the package? No,

no, I just went over for a week and so I was like, okay, I'll do a load of clubs and I brought my wife with me and she really wanted to go to Disneyland.

We took the Sunday off and went to Disneyland and it's eye-wateringly expensive Disneyland yeah yeah it's just dropped more than the fee just getting in there

fuck yeah yeah yeah and it's not better than Alton Towers or anything but I it's not better than Alton Towers

no no it's just it's fine it's a theme park where are the where is the Disney one in Florida one in LA. Yeah, yeah.

There's one in, yeah. And one in Paris. Yeah. And one in Tokyo. Is there really? Is there one in Tokyo? Yeah. Oh, there you go.

Yeah. Have you been to Japan, Karl? Uh, yeah. Did you make sure you really immersed yourself in Japanese culture and got down to Disneyland? I went to Disney Sea. So that's an adult Disneyland. You can drink beer when you walk around

and stuff what so in Japan in Tokyo there's Disneyland and Disneyland Sea Disneyland's for kids yeah

and Disneyland Sea is for kids but like you can but it's sexy it's sexy like Minnie's Minnie's working around

in a bikini and they've got a new ride coming soon what is it called Jimmy the rapey dolphin ride. That's from before. Garrett, you've got every right to not understand what the fuck just happened.

I think it just sounds like a great ride. You can have a beer. You can shoot up. You get forced onto it. Fucking hell. There's Lamo stands. There's Lamo stands. Fleek.

Lamo. How do you get the club gig so you get booked for Conan which is fucking amazing yeah and that's genuinely bigger than any TV or is it the first TV break you've had

yes and it's in LA it's in fucking Hollywood in Hollywood like it's opposite the Friends stage so you walk like literally

you walk out one side of the Conan studio and up the right is the Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here album cover where they shot that and then up the other and up the right is the Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here album cover where they shot that. And then up the other end of the street is the Friends Fountain.

My God. Where they shot that. So you're like, it's proper, like, pick you up in a limo and you're, like, filming it in Warner Brothers in a fucking Hollywood studio. My agent was like, don't get used to this. It was in my own dressing room. It was like a buffet and they gave me a popcorn bucket with my name on it and stuff. He was like, yeah. Would you steal that? Yeah, yeah, I've got stuff. He was like, yeah. Would you steal that?

Yeah, I've got that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't steal it. They gave it to me as a gift and they gave me all these Conan. That's my instinct. I won't get to keep this. Where's the Pink Floyd thing gone?

Waiting for the next guy. Adam walks in emptying everything into his bag. Like, are you good to do the, oh yeah, the set. Yeah. It's just case in the joint that guy's a club comic yeah um what how did you get how did you get the the club gigs do they sort of book you for conan and then go you'll want to like test the set out yeah do they book you at the club gigs around la yeah so they they did a couple and my agent did a couple, and then, yeah, it's basically like if you're recording it,

I can't remember if it was on a Tuesday or something, but they basically call up and go, he's doing Late Night on a Tuesday, and they go, yeah, and they put you on for five minutes. So where did you play? Just like the American circuit geek in me would love to know, where did you play in LA? A little place called the Comedy Store.

I've heard of it. The Improv. And there was a really good show called Hot Tub, which is Christian Scholl from Bob's Burgers. It's her show. That was fun. And then a couple of other places that I can't remember because it was two years ago.

And how was it going? What is really interesting about your Conan set is that they made you learn Mandarin. They did make me learn Mandarin for the set, yeah. So I was telling a true story about a friend of mine

who came over to stay with me with his Chinese fiance and she spoke Mandarin, I didn't, he speaks Mandarin and they were basically, they were having a conversation in my kitchen where the only word I could hear was was barbecue so i basically in the

edinburgh show i did the act out and i just did it doing a chinese voice because basically i ran out i was going to learn mandarin and i ran out of time so i had a i had a joke basically going i looked into learning it but like it wasn't worth it for seven quid a ticket it was like when i when i tore this i'll learn it when people are coming and they pay proper money but for scum like you you just get me so you made chinese noises yeah and then threw in a few barbecues yeah uh for about six minutes and then and then due to that is our podcast in a lot of ways and if you want to see the conan set is on youtube where i've learned the mandarin which was quite difficult because i'm not much of a linguist um but because

of uh because of covid the tour the show that that routine was from was going to be released uh we were going to record it on the tour but we only got to do one night of the tour and i had a recording of it in edinburgh which then got put out by 800 pound gorilla records which you which you can get on Spotify Apple Music whatnot so if you want to hear smile that smile yeah and if you want to hear me just going that's actually been released on an album and now we've had it it's already been on like serious so it's fine it's it's fine I make a couple of sort of qualifying statements before but yeah they were they were if one of our listeners were like right that's too far for me i'd be really disappointed well that's the thing i said so the producer saw it and was like okay can you can you to do on tv can you learn the mandarin i was like yeah yeah no problem and then they called up like a couple

weeks before and like has he learned it and i had uh just like going through google translate because they were very very touchy because it was around the time of the SNL thing and the producer actually had to say to Kona was like he's gonna do this thing but like don't flip out don't run on and be like no it's a payoff to it and it is actually Mandarin he's speaking but then I got to sort of change the thing by basically telling them that I had been asked to learn Mandarin and I sort of said I don't think Chinese people will care. And they were like, no, no, not Chinese people.

Woke white liberals will care. So I was like, so I've got to spend three months learning Mandarin so I don't upset other white people when I tell them a true story. Which is based on the fact neither I nor they can understand what on earth is being said

with the exception of barbecue. That's the whole point. And they were like, yeah, yeah, basically. Like, cool, I'll get on and learn Mandarin. Did you learn any other Mandarin other than the words you needed? No, just the words I needed. Did you think, well, I've got a taste for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, I was like, I'm going to go to China to try out my Mandarin. And then the whole thing happened. I thought it might be like Chinese food where you have a little bit, but an hour later you're desperate for more. No, no, no. I went on Google Trans translate and i put it on big posters on the wall and i learned it phonetically and it was basically i asked a couple of people like before i did it and i was like wasn't that just big symbols you don't understand no no no you can run it out sort of english wise phonetically yeah phonetically indeed um he didn't write just the big he didn't write the mandarin in massive letters.

Like, I don't know what a sunshine is. Maybe it's not big enough. How are you with Mandarin, Garrett? Not great if it's in a book, but... It's graffiti on a wall. How the fuck do you pronounce the Stonehenge one? Oh, that is fucking great. So, yeah, no, I had to ask someone like a week before i was like uh

is it any good somebody could speak better and they're like no it's terrible but you can tell that you've put a certain amount of effort in and it's like it's all i need to say did he actually do that yeah yeah he did um but like it's a fair deal. Was it worth it? Was it worth it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I said, I got to go to Disneyland. Flown over. They were like, look, you just have to spend three months learning very specific phrases in Mandarin which have no application to your life. Did the bit rip?

What do you mean, rip? I mean, did it go well, the bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It went well. It was kind of a nice experience because the audience had been very difficult all night. So it was like, ah, okay. So I went out, so I really had to get them.

But by the end, they were applauding and stuff. Oh, I love it. Which was great because then Conan asked me to come back and he cut some of his monologue to air more of my set because I'm gonna put like six minutes of it on youtube and four minutes of it on and he said cut my monologue and put the whole thing out and then they said come back and i was like great so i was going to do it again and then this fucking covid and then the show just and then the show the show stopped yes it's great that's money in the bank. Is Conan done? Yeah, he's going to be on Netflix or Amazon or something in a couple of years. Is it CBS?

TBS, yeah. Like that show is done. Yeah. My favourite thing about it though, which we spoke about last week, is because that routine has got a certain amount of, the first few times you do it, you're not going to be, the first time he did the routine that he did on Conan, I was there, it was at Hot Water,

and he's in the green room. I wasn't gonna do it. And you were like, it's great. Cause he told me in the dressing room, and I was like, that is fucking hilarious. And there was another comic as well. I can't remember who it was. They were like, you've gotta do it.

And he went on stage at Hot Water, I sold out to Hot Water and did it. And it got the sum total of fuck all. And he was like, you fucking asshole. I was like, no, no, I swear to God that's gonna work. No, no, it wasn't fuck all. And he was like, you fucking asshole. I was like, no, no, I swear to God that's going to work. No, no, it wasn't fuck all, to be fair. There was quite a lot of anger and confusion. From a hot water crowd.

Yeah, yeah, going on Saturday night. But it's a routine that you've got to have confidence in, isn't it? If you're talking about the nerdiness of stand-up, like there's bits that if you don't own and be like, this is what happened and i'm okay with it can't audience mcchuckins when i didn't know how to tell that story yeah about me getting thrown out of mcdonald's for shouting niggit mcchuckins because someone mispronounced chicken mcnuggets right i died quite a lot you know when some promoters really don't know what they think

a couple of promoters like like, what was that? And you're like, I know that went wrong, but I'm sure in my heart that that's a funny bit. And you can tell they're like, right, because you've ruined that set, haven't you? I know, but I'm pretty sure this is the funniest story I've ever had. And when it unlocks, it's because it's worth its risk, isn't it? Yeah, it's the risk. The risk reward thing, because it's worth it's risk isn't it yeah yeah

it's the risk the risk reward thing like it is worth it you've just got to get through some choppy waters to get there with the Chinese voice version of it

I think it was one of those things where you'd start doing it and everybody would just go what the fuck and then like a minute in they were like yeah okay

they got over their own were you doing an accent oh yeah what accent did you choose uh you know generic uh offensive chinese what do you mean completely poorly he was doing chinese noises in a birmingham accent no but i mean like surely china's got different accents oh yeah presumably yeah yeah it's massive yeah did you know in or Southern China? I did my regional research before I went in and did... If you're going to do the noises, you've got to get them right. Don't do Southern Chinese.

It's really offensive. Mandarin's a tonal language, though, to be fair to Carl. Shut the fuck up. What are you talking about? It is, yeah, yeah. No, but what do you know about Mandarin? I know it's a tonal language. Oh, my God!

Get down! The only reason he knows- Are you on your phone? What's going on? How do you know that? No, the only reason he knows, because I say so in my routine, that's where he's gonna- No, no, no, it's quite a common, no.

Yeah, like in China, if they say quavers and then go, quavers, they're totally different words. No, but that's- Does that happen a lot? But that's the same in English. No, it's not. If your mum goes, do you want some quavers? And she goes, do you want some quavers?

You'd be like, no, that still means do you want some quavers, doesn't it? In China, that might mean, the first one might mean like picture frame and the second one might mean donkey's arsehole. Well, I feel like I don't know who I've been podcasting with all this time. Adam, the fucking font of all bullshit on this podcast.

Yeah, actually, Mandarin's a tonal language. Adam, do you know you got picture frame from Jimmy the rapey dolphin? You got picture frame from the picture frame next to you. Yeah. Where did you get donkey's arsehole from? I was thinking about your man. Oh, right. Nice one.

And that's not tonal, is it? Your man's arsehole! Same thing, innit? I love that. It's just more again and that's not tonal is it you're a Mars asshole same thing innit I love that that's what I mean to you just more it's tonal just more

more people heard it I think it's absolutely there must be a lot of confusion in China when they're all talking Mandarin and someone says it slightly out of tone yeah

it's more like how like Scottish people use the word cunt yeah so if it's like are you a cunt it's like that means I'm your friend you cunt. Yeah. So if it's like, I'm a cunt. That means I'm your friend. You cunt.

That means like run away. Is that how it is? That's the same word. So there's not like one word that with a slightly different tone means like tablecloth and murderer? No. No. As far as I understand it, no.

Imagine detectives using that. We're looking for a serial tablecloth. I'm sorry, what did you say? Sorry, my mistake. Tablecloth! Officer, your tone is way off. So they're wasting our time, Simon. Someone's nicked his dining room set.

No, they've killed his mother. Oh, that would explain the resources we've funneled at this. Where? Where? Table cloth and murderer. He just locks the things in the room. He thinks the entire Chinese language is like Matt Damon in Team America. Matt Damon. Matt Damon.

Table cloth. Table cloth. It's been a table cloth. Oh, my days how was the fear element like not to go on about this but you're one of the few comments what's like it's obviously a bit of an away day that sort of thing oh yeah like did you get the fear or you were like fuck it this is no i i had a word with myself at heathrow and was like this probably will never happen again and the only thing that could ruin it is if i i had a word with myself at heathrow and was like this probably will never happen again and the only thing that could ruin it is if i'm like so i was like i am going to enjoy myself for the next week and and did oh fuck what a great yeah i'm not very good at doing that sort of thing

but i do i do remember sort of standing in a queue for the airplane and just being like rationalizing it going yeah like in this is this is like once in a lifetime thing so you don't want your memory of being like yeah i shat myself a lot my stomach hurt you don't want that to be a takeaway and i'm quite i'm quite a negative person so like difficult for me because they're my emotions like most days yeah yeah absolutely yeah but like one of my overriding memories of my own wedding day is uh when my uncle took a picture after i'd asked him not to so i tend to process things like that and stick it on the pinball in my memory but there's very few like nice things in my head so like like i can like it was five years ago and i can see i'm

actually getting angry thinking about it now i can literally picture it in a way that i can't picture my wife coming up the aisle but like like so i i i tend to like take negative things and bank all that and slough away all the happy stuff so it was like don't take a picture at a wedding i actually put it on the invitations right it actually said like no pictures i was like look i've paid that bloke two thousand pounds to take pro pictures i don't want everyone looking across in different directions or loads of pictures of loaded dickheads looking at camera phones so just put them away uh and you can have the ones from the guy who's been paid i got that but like yeah it was really weird my sister did that in like 2010 no one had a problem we got married like five years later and the invitations went out

because i just basically copied the idea of her and the the photographer was like, yeah, it's great. You're going to get like much, much better pictures. It's a really good thing to do. And we'll put them on the website and everyone can go on again. But yeah, five years later, in 2015, sent the invitations out and people were ringing up going, yeah, but you don't mean that. Like, yeah, yeah, don't. Just get off your phone. Yeah, but you can't, you can't, you can't mean that.

We have to take, you know then people were losing their fucking minds and it was just like a five-year difference between you know 2010 11 people just go yeah of course no problem at all but people like panicking you up going what do you mean it's like just just that just just was it just am i being offensive that it's like that is that the five years that sort of mums got picture phones? Before that, they were on like a Nokia. I don't know how to work these bigger ones. And then by 2015, they've got an iPhone. You told me about that last week,

and I think I'm going to do that for my wedding. No phones all day. Get them things, the Chappelle thing, where you lock your phone away. Yeah. I can totally see him doing that. I'd be like, Dave Chappelle did this. You don't need your phone

in the church or like whatever just fucking put it away but yeah having put that yeah my uncle my uncle then it was the breaking of the rules and he just

he just went out and I was just like fucking I can't stand it if people break rules if I was your missus I'd get that and I'm not

but if I was your missus I'd get that picture and print it out and frame it just to piss you off. It's not the picture. It's I can picture him. That's what's pissing me off.

That's just him. How did he do it? You were like, don't do that. And he was like, no, no, no. He just went, hee hee. Oh, he's Chinese. It was tonal. He said, don't take that pic

And he thought I don't want fruit salad Everyone there's been a murder So super He's so ill You're going to kill him Look at the colour he's so ill you're gonna kill him look at the color he's going the fucking beachum's just kicked in on adam he's gone yes that's not been a while see there's no there's no way i'll be able to remember this nice thing i think it's gonna be a clip you're gonna be able to watch it whenever you want oh god i'll only remember the seven minutes i was standing by the door waiting for something

to come out that's his fault it doesn't matter whose fault it is. It's just there now. Are you going to be a bit of a madam on your wedding day? Are you going to be able to go with the flow? A groomzilla. Because I, having, you know,

we've worked together for a while. You're super chilled and diplomatic when you're like, I don't really give a shit. But as soon as you really have a strong opinion, it's like, no, you can't. Let's do it that way.

How is that going to go with the wedding? Are you going to be able to be passive? Because you need to be. I will let my bride have whatever day she wants, as long as it's not insane. After the dinner, you get to do a 45 set. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to be sure. It's all show. Welcome. Phones in the do a 45 set. Yeah, yeah. Are you going to speak at your tour show?

Welcome. Phones in the underpockets. Yeah, yeah. Put the phones in the pouches. Adam's coming out. He doesn't want this. Do a Chappelle bit. But the thing about trans is...

There's going to be a Patreon for the wedding. That's when some people are just sat there and Adam goes to a side room. And all they can hear is the fun going in. Do you know how mental I am about Patreon? I was like, oh my God, a Patreon special. Adam's wedding. Wedding video will be on Patreon.

Yeah, I think as long as like, I've had a bit of an input in like the venue, like I get a say in most of it. And I get to be sound and be like, whatever you want, babe. As long as it's not like, oh, we're going to a pub in Birmingham

we're not doing that are we we're not oh but I went to this pub when I was a little girl and I seen a wedding near my auntie I'm not asked

we're not going to a pub in Birmingham so if it's been a lifelong I'm not asked yeah why do you care if it's been a lifelong dream of hers

you're like not that not that I'm sick of scouse scouse brides wanting to go to pubs in Birmingham no more no more hang on a minute are you engaged Not that. I'm sick of scouse brides wanting to go to pubs in Birmingham. No more.

No more. Hang on a minute. Are you engaged? No. Oh, right, right. What flowers do you want on them? I don't. I don't even know. No, Garrett, he's not engaged.

Right. Come on. Time ticking on that. Yeah, you're getting old. I think maybe like roses. White roses. Something nice and classy. Yeah.

White roses. Yeah. I can see you in a white suit and classy. Yeah, white roses. Yeah. I can see you in a white suit as well. Yeah, pleather bonkettes around the place. Liverpool 1996 fucking cup final. I think you should get Quality Street instead. Hang on. Wait, guys.

That's why we've got his mic on. Two different types of chocolate in it. We were talking about flowers roses oh right okay sorry no celebrations oh great let's just yeah yeah that would be appropriate yeah um i think i'll be able to be quite chill i'll be there early i can't wait yeah but as a groom all you have to do you say yes a lot and show up when you're supposed to show up and then you know

what cake do you want just not faint yeah what cake a sailor league chocolate cake stand around getting furious with people taking pictures of you you want a cake

open your cake we had cheese we had wheels of cheese oh yes yeah it was really really good there's a specific so when I was a kid wheels of cheese yeah like a yes. Yeah, it was really, really good. There's a specific... So when I was a kid... Wheels of cheese!

Yeah, like a massive... As the cake! As the cake, yeah, yeah. So you didn't have a cake, you just had... I've seen both. I had cheese, yeah. Cheese cake?

I don't like cake, so I didn't want one of them. Do you know that other people do, though? Yeah, but fuck them, it's my wedding. Have a slice of cheese. My mum wanted to make the cake, and I was like, no. And she was like, why not?

I was like, because there's going to be no cake. She was like, it's a wedding. I was like, I don't like cake. So, like, my wedding and my birthday, no cake. Don't like it. I find it irritating. Wow. I'm having the anatomy.

What I was about to say to you, when I was a kid, there's a cake that Iceland do for a quid. It's branded by a company called Sarah Lee, and it's a double chocolate gato and that with Elmy double cream on it is honestly the best thing you'll ever taste in your life. So just one of them

or a few of them? Just one small one of those at a wedding. Garrett turns up with cheese. Sarah Lee, chocolate gato, Elmy on a fucking

love a wheel of cheese. He's just Adam taking it to another room going this is the top tier of the Patreon no cream for the guests yeah right

that's what I want my father-in-law did the cheese for my wife's sister's wedding that we met about seven years ago and literally

a year later they got married and his wedding gift was the cheese because it's the thing isn't it the cheese course is a thing. That is a thing.

So he spent, I think, close to £500 on cheese. From all, like, there was a few hundred people at the wedding and he built it up and he's a chef. So he really built it up and he spent a lot of money on some really expensive-looking cheeses. He arranged it. It looked phenomenal, like the display at a cheese shop. And then he sat maybe 40, 30 yards away from it,

just not right next to it, being like the cheese guy, but just close enough to see who was eating it, and then spent the evening fuming because no one fucking touched it. So he just had this 500 pound cheese display he's a fucking idiot i'd have no gratitude for that my favorite cheese is pre-grated red leicester if someone just got me like a bucket of that don't ask adam to buy you as a wedding present your cheese course right loads of slices of dairy, Lee. Grated red. Bit of mozzarella.

The grated stuff, it's got all like powder on it. It's fucking horrible. No, you can eat it from the bag when you're hungover as well. You can eat the day after. You only have to go and clean it off. You're worse than that advert

for Cathedral City where the advert, they bring out a cheese board and it's just got one lump of cheddar and everyone's like, ooh, lovely. It's like, it would fucking kick off anywhere.

You've got a cheese board, like one lump of supermarket cheddar.'re like how can your favorite cheese be grated which means i just like eating it from the bag when i'm hung over and i'm gonna be hung over the day after so i'll wake up go to help them clean up and i'll just be like i'll take that bucket of cheese with me i've been nibbling on it while we're tidying up you're not tidying up after your wedding don't do tidying on't do what else are you having at the wedding so we've got a bucket of grated red leicester a sarah lee what's the main course it's got spuds baked potatoes i a roast in it actually would be great a roast yeah we'll get them to do it here from the conference center my mate

my mate had a hog roast it was great huge big pig on the on the thing sexy it was great yeah yeah i don't think we should do a hog roast i think like the day food roast dinner but done to a really good not like toby carvery but like limewood farm in st helens the other carvery which is very easy to do for like 200 people well it's a carvery in it so they've got experience of it. They know how to cater to it. They get a carvery for your wedding. It's got a big hat coming out.

That'd be fucking amazing. You're getting the full, the hog roast and some grated red Leicester next to it. I want the meat options. I want a big fucking turkey, some pork, some lamb, a joint of beef. And then you can fucking help yourself. You roast these there, a bit of cabbage. Prune cocktail to start sounds fucking great it does doesn't it

it's annoyingly good Adam's getting married I want a carbon yeah it's basically Adam's having his wedding at a Ben Brazil where he just gets some guy going

do you want more meat everyone's just like in a fucking meat coma and then for the night time I think just get like something delivered just get like

the local Chinese to do a shit load of food and bring it back and Garrett can order it oh Jesus oh my god shall we have an interval let's have an interval

that was fantastic wag wag lids it's Dan hope you're enjoying today's episode do us a favour if you're watching on YouTube

like the video subscribe if you're listening follow us on all socials at have a word pod tell a friend do something help spread the word

also I'm on tour next year if you want to come and see me do stand up get tickets at dannightingale.com appreciate you

you're a good egg you're a good lid back to the episode have you seen that Phil Collins is going to be in court come on what for Adam because

it was claimed that he didn't brush his teeth or have a shower for the year and he's accusing someone of slander because it's not true his ex-wife yeah who ran off with a toy boy just see if I'd have a shower for the year. And he's accusing someone of slander. His ex-wife.

Yeah, who she ran off with a toy boy and locked herself in his mansion. He's been married to her twice. So he got married to her and broke up. Fool me once. Yeah, yeah. And then it came back. Although he was a big booze hound when they were together first.

Which he admits in his biography, Not Dead Yet by Phil Collins, which is a cracking read I was actually devastated that's why we got Garrett in actually Phil Collins knowledge

I was supposed to be going to see Phil Collins and Mike Rutherford and Tony Banks of Genesis at the O2 a couple of weeks ago

but Covid in the band so they've rescheduled it to March I was devastated so where's she gone you don't you never brush your fucking teeth

in the press she came out in the press and said she ran off with someone and locked herself in his house and I think she was trying to like eBay some of his memorabilia so he was

taking a piss he was denying it wasn't he and she was like I can feel it in the air tonight very good Carl Carl Carl you know absolute car crash I don't take them Tonight? Very good. Carl. Carl.

Carl. You know, absolute car crash form today. I don't take the mic. Oh my God. I don't take the mic often. He looked at me 30 seconds ago and went, watch this. But Carl, she said, against all odds, take a look at me now. I've brushed my teeth.

She's not a very easy lover, is she? Bang! Can't wait for your podcast to come out, guys. Genesis are an excellent band, and he's a phenomenal solo artist. Yeah. Did you know he was a Phil Collins fan? No, I didn't.

He said no banter. Actually, I had tickets for two weeks ago, but he hadn't brushed his fucking teeth. Oh, amazing. Well. Oh, what have you been on today? Some absolute howlers. Comment, I thought I was more agreed,

because they are songs. I appreciated it, mate. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing I like more than coming up to, I made the effort to come here and you got the Phil Collins jokes lined up. See that?

I look after the guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to be so rich that my missus could bang a younger man in a house and lock herself in. I'd be like, I should do something about that. I can't be asked like

that's that's how you know you're rich when you're like one of your six houses your wife is fucking some young guy in and you're like five out of six isn't bad you know that's the level i'm trying to get to if you want to the back you could shout come on babe grab your things i've come to take you home. Excellent marriage advice. Do you know that's Peter Gabriel? I knew exactly what had happened. What? It's just an appear Gabriel. But he knows Phil Collins, doesn't he?

He does know Phil Collins. He knows all of him. He thinks of Kostya and everyone. Yeah, maybe that's what Phil Collins would say. They were in a band together. So you're nearly right. It was so close to being good. But he's still right.

No, no, it's nearly right. Oh, fucking grated cheese boy. Hey, grab your things and come to see you. Peter. Oh, he could say war. What is it good for? Which wouldn't make sense either. It's the game store lads that are laughing.

Shut the fuck up. Did you just Google that? No, you've got to do them off the top of it. I couldn't remember anymore. Yeah. I'm going to be listening to the best of Phil Collins on the way home. 19 year old lads were like, lad, what the fuck are you talking about?

Do you remember? What, Phil Collins songs? Do you remember? What, Phil Collins songs? Bam. Do you remember? Right, shut up. That's a lyric

from a song rather than a song title. Is it? Yeah. Oh, don't know about that. Hang on. Fire,

fire, four minutes and six seconds. Do you remember? Oh, guys. That's from in the air tonight. No, no.

Oh, yeah, you were. Can I do a question? Sure. It's not really for me to say, I guess. It's a question. It's your fucking podcast. Luke Brown says, I've been talking to Jesus. Luke Brown says, wag wag legs.

Legs? Legs? I said it wrong then. I said it wrong. Is he allowed to say wag one has he googled no he didn't wag wag oh right okay sorry i just i saw that i went to the cinema because someone wrote in trying to say wag one and they did a typo and now we've put it on merch oh great okay but the lad from the google advert who says it and gets a cold reception is like there is listen

to have a word there's a version for you it'll be absolutely fine can i say wag one no you can't but you can say wag wag yeah and you've really got to pronounce the a and the wag okay wag wag lids a local bar hosted their first comedy night big room had a mixture of rows of seats or premium booths that they charged top dollar for. I didn't go, but I've heard the sound system failed and sounded like a supermarket tannoy. After a bit of playing, two comics walked out and the other two struggled through it

after two hours of tinkering. The show was apparently a total shambles, but how would you have reacted to this? Would you have held on for the good of the night or would you have walked? Cheers, lids. Love the podcast. Keep it up.

That's from Luke Brown. Depends on the fee. Yeah. And how much you needed it. Yeah. It's my least favorite thing, though, when it's like country crowds happen, shit bills are put together,

awful venues can exist. Yeah. But for it to be, like, tannoy level of tech fuck up, I find awful. I remember watching you get really annoyed once at the Crown Hotel where Hot Water used to be based because the mic stopped working.

And about four times in your 30-minute closing set, you were like, I want a mic. You couldn't even keep it in. You said it, like, four or five times. Yeah, well, you can't do it. Like, it's... I felt bad for a second then, you're like no no no no no you you were well within your rights you were just like this is not and you were on last and everyone else is on a mic it just

stopped working and they didn't have another mic or wire you're like i want a fucking mic i did i did a gig on a boat in cambodia and the whole setup just broke a couple of minutes into the set and so i did it acapella but they all got their phones out and put the torches on the phone so I got lit by torchlight and then just did it without a mic and it was it was really cool like you were singing candle in the wind basically yeah you did a gig on a boat in Cambodia yeah and that's like and I cannot believe they didn't have a good tech set yeah yeah the tech set weren't even filming it I mean if you if you really want things to be shared on social media, guys,

you need to record the sets. What's your view of Cambodia, though? Because they do have electricity and stuff. I can barely see Cambodia from here. Shall we do the voices again? I got bollocked before. What's that? You said, what's my view of Cambodia?

No, Carl. It's just classic stuff. Carl, I don't think you understand. What are you meant is? What's my view of Cambodia? No, Carl. It's just classic stuff. Carl, I don't think you understand. What are you meant is, what's your opinion of Cambodia? I twisted it to be what I can't see from here. Carl, read my tone right. Eat your cuivas! Yes!

Just for the audio listeners, Carl's got cuivas on his desk. No, I understand desk and no I understand yeah I yeah I understand they've got electricity but you know when you go to a pub in the UK and they're like

lights are hard so there's lights on the walls they're on and the mic is like you know got one it's basically a fucking speaker and spell

it's a wireless thing, and it actually goes into both speakers around the pod. We've got the DJ who does weddings here on the weekend, and he's got his set up, so you're literally lit up by red, white, great stuff. The wedding disco lights. And you're going to be spoilt for Walker Music. He's got seven CDs.

We're going to start the comedy after they've had the curry buffet, and when they've when they've been when they've had that you can have a plate of curry from the buffet only when they've finished please do help yourself

to one post-mix drink from the bar how's your what would you call it as a comic when you yeah you're right when you need the money

when you're making your way up you will do the gigs now how are your like it's almost like I could be a bit precious about that I mean like if you've not given me a fucking mic I can't do the gigs yeah now how are your like it's almost like i could be a bit precious about that i mean like if you've not given me a fucking mic i can't do the gig like i just did a gig recently and it was a piece of shit and it was clicking out i still did the gig and everything

yeah how are you for sort of like having your madam moment i will do the gig if i if i haven't booked for it and i've turned up if it's seven out of ten bad lee put together and it's just not good i'll do it and then just never work for that guy again if it's 10 out of 10 bad and no effort's gone in and they're like oh yeah uh well we're not going to turn the music off we're just going to lower it down you're going to stand in the corner and they don't really know comedy's on i'll just go mate i'm not fucking doing this and i'm getting off if it's if it's horrendous fuck off whatever happened have i ever got off ever pulled a gig at the gig um nearly once so this was maybe seven or eight years ago adam rushton booked me for a gig in warrington

and i got to the venue and they had an a4 laminated bit of paper on like the front wall of the venue which was like next to a shopping center right and that was their marketing they're like we've had a poster up and two people turned up two who knew staff at the bar and they were like oh this is horrible isn't it i was like yeah we can't do gigs two people mate can we just get our money and go and he's like i'm not fucking paying you haven't done the gig so i was about to go and then i went i will do the gig and he's like we'll go and do the gig then so we did the gig to two people who didn't even look at us yeah i walked out i didn't walk out i got to a gig uh where excess malarkey used to be in manchester and i think it's called

the cheshire cat and it's a student pub this is how long ago josh jones our very own josh jones was doing the 10 minute open spot in the middle section someone had had gone on the first section and then Josh Jones and another lab were doing 10 minutes each. So this may be five years ago. And I'd driven an hour to get there in a snow, a bit of a snowstorm. You know, one of those drives where you're like,

ah, God, this is not ideal. Snow's one of those things that it's, it's just like, it doesn't happen loads, but when it does, you're like, if you're going to fucking have a crash on the motorway, that's probably going to be one of the reasons it's just, like, it doesn't happen loads. But when it does, if you're going to fucking have a crash on the motorway, that's probably going to be one of the reasons.

It's a borley when it's 150 quid on a Thursday. I got there, and it was just a loud, busy student pub at the fucking end of January. And they were shouting. They were just on the piss. And I could see through them a stage with Josh Jones just struggling in front of about 14 people. And actually those 14, 15, maybe even 20 people

looked like they were there for the comedy, and Josh was just struggling. He was on the, again, like the PA that was all around the room, and I just stood at the back and went, I can't, I'm not doing this gig. I'm not going on to just have to shout for half an hour. And while I was there, I was there maybe 25 minutes. I could, as pubs do, they get louder, don't they?

Everyone gets a little bit busier. There was at least, on the mezzanine as well, 150 people that were just not watching the gig. They were just in their booze. They'd done the classic thing of, let's just set the gig up there and it was free to walk in it was a fucking nightmare

and I just didn't go still it's good life coming is that in the Manchester Uni halls? no it's just across from there just across from there it's an old church and I

the guy who was running it came over to find me and went it's not great I was like mate I can't go on this isn't a gig and he went yeah i know i'm really sorry and i i wasn't going to get the fee because the venue

wouldn't give me the money but i was like i'll lose the 150 which i needed yeah i was like i cannot stand there and hate my existence for half an hour whilst there's something about about being rejected by young people that makes it slightly harder as well, students are like is this your life mate and you're like yes you have to drive home with it sitting in you if you do it I skidded all the way home

you might die tonight for no money but you've got your pride I pretty much I just do it there haven't been any that I don't do I get in a bit of a sulk about it, but I do it. But now I've been doing comedy for a while, I know what flavour of disaster it's going to be. So when you see it, you're like,

yeah, I know how this is going to go. So I can kind of see into the future and be like, yeah, I'm going to feel like an article. Yeah, I was like, I know what's going to happen. So probably it was like, the room, you know, I know it looks a bit, but it really like uh the room you know i i know it looks a bit but it really does work you're like no it fucking doesn't cool i'll go and humiliate myself for 15 20 minutes and then uh i'll piss off because it could i mean it's one of those

things like uh it's a pretty easy job that we do like in terms of like you know people who have to get up at six o'clock in the morning and go to a place and it's like horrible and like 90 particularly now like 95 at the time it's fucking awesome so if you show up and you're like yeah it's going to be a shit eater tonight well that's part of the deal just just do it yeah and don't get me wrong there are like when recounting this i can pull up one gig where i went walked in and went no this is so bad it's not doable i did so there's so many more gigs where i've walked into and gone i'm gonna eat my balls now so i did the i did the most unplayable gig recently um so i performed to the 800 paras who did the evacuation of kabul airport who is who is booking your cambodian riverboat gig fucking diary

yeah i get to do all the plums double yeah yeah nipped into afghanistan 800 paras 800 paras who had just been through like the worst experience of just mopping up a war that everybody stopped giving a shit about like five years ago and they're all like 17 so um i got a call basically saying so normally they'd go to do to do it in cyprus they do decompression right so um they couldn't go to cyprus because uh afghanistan was a red list country so they got flown back to colchester and they were on a parade ground which is basically like a car park and they were all in covid, which were made out of barriers from motorways, each with their own port-a-loo in this car park.

Oh, my God. And there was no, you weren't lit. You were lit from behind, right, in a car park. And he was just going out. And the commanding officer was like, look, basically they've had the worst 10 days of their lives. The RAF have lost their luggage, so a lot of them are still in the clothes that they deployed to afghanistan in um don't make any jokes they're

not allowed to go home yeah they're not yeah they're basically locked 12 hour flight 11 hour flight yeah so they're locked in these little covid bubbles with a portalo and they've given them like a slab of lager and a burger and be like don't worry we've got we've got a fat comedian he's gonna come and do some observational uh stuff about life in britain to a bunch of 17 year olds who've literally just been in afghanistan watching people being blown up by suicide bombers and now like they don't have their they don't have their clothes they can't see their family they're not allowed to be in cyprus they're in colchester and the guy's like yeah could you uh do 15 minutes and there was a guy on with us who's a magician

who had been a para and he was like right, right, have you got any, like, filthy stuff, racist stuff? And I was like, go with that. And he was like, I don't really have anything that they want. Have you seen my Conan set? All right, boys, welcome home. You think you saw Bob and Last Week? Wait till you see this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I did a routine about how I've quit smoking recently, right? And so they charged the stage with a rolled-up fag. And this guy, like, gave it to me. I haven haven't got a light someone else charged and lit the fag and there was just 800 powers going fucking smoke it so i smoked it and they're going yeah and then i said look guys you know we're all really proud of what you've done and everything and thanks and they went have a drink and i was like i haven't got a drink and there was a there was a pint near the mic stand which the other act was going to do a drink a yard of ale thing with and they were like it's a fucking pipe by your feet and i was like i've got the car and they're going fucking drink it so i was like okay so i downed it and they all went mad but that was 15

minutes of like i don't think that there will ever be a worse set of circumstances to try and do a gig in and he'd come and be like yeah did you actually get away with any material yeah yeah yeah they basically wanted you to do that and then you were sound, yeah. Did you actually get away with any material? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They basically wanted you to do that and then you were sound. Yeah, that and then you could get away with a bit of material. Oh, that could have gone. Oh, yeah, it could have gone in two directions, yeah. Could you imagine if you were like, guys, I've done really well.

I'm on nicotine patches and I am driving. Please let me perform. That would have been horrific. Yeah, you just wouldn't have got out of there. But I hadn't done a military gig. You come back stinking of cigarettes and piss. Babe, babe, I had to do it. Yeah.

For the gig. For my country. But then I got a letter from the commanding officer thanking me for my contribution to the operation of evacuating 15,000 British and Afghan personnel. So I was like, it arrived and I was like, I'm a fucking war hero. So I called up a mate of mine who's actually served in Afghanistan and went, did you get a letter? He's like, did I fuck? I was like it arrived and i was like i'm a fucking war hero so so i called up a

mate of mine who's actually served in afghanistan i went did you get a letter he's like did i fuck i got a letter i'm a bloody war hero it says like the name of the operation and stuff and says you know it's only due to the actions of people like you coming at the last minute to do things like that to keep the morale of the men that allows the british military to operate and stuff and i was like yeah yeah yeah yeah it's mad how random the names of the operations are aren't they like they always just like pick a word do you know what it was i can't remember um but it was like operation wheelbarrow sparrow hawk right do you know that for a fact are you just i've seen he's read enough novels McNab novels to know we're getting

we're getting people out of Kabul airport and there will be executions on the on the airstrip it's Operation Vanilla Slice and we need to work

on naming these operations Adam we need another name don't worry Operation Bagger Quavers Operation Tablecloth

My mate showed me a t-shirt That members of the British military Are getting printed up And it's just a helicopter And it says Afghanistan We were winning when I left And people were just taking them And

Oh jeez Well you can make that joke As a veteran Yeah I'm framing the letter So when my daughter asks me She'll be like What's that

And I'd be like Daddy doesn't like To talk about What he did During the war Yeah yeah It's like Few are called

But you know Many are called But few get called A cunt in a car park By 800 carers There was two before me Roger Monkhouse And Mike Gunn

But they weren't available Yeah yeah Basically yeah There were more Qualified people Who said no What did you do In the ward, Danny? Tight 20.

Yeah. I got the fuck out of Dodge after 14 minutes. As soon as the watch started vibrating, I was like... Do you know how much of a circuit comic I am in my head? Like, you said you're from Chelmsford, and that was in Colchester, and I was like, that's relatively local. Yeah, it was pretty local. It was all right.

I was home before 10. Oh, nice. That's the worst gig ever. Home before tim fitzheim was on he sort of came on tim tim said to me i think we can both say that we got away with that like yeah that's the best you could have no one uh was it was uh assaulted you're about to say no one died i might have been about to say no one thought that that would be Shall we do a have a word Because it's what the podcast is called Isn't it

The name of the podcast So How long we got We've done a chunk haven't we We've got a couple in us I'll give it One or two We do guest choice We've got a couple in us. I'll give it... One or two. We do guest choice.

We've got... These are the three. You can help solve these people's problems. Okay. So we've got... Let's name them quickly. We've got... First, have a word, is perv neighbour.

Second, have a word, is aggro missus. Right. Third, have a word is aggro missus. Right. Third, have a word is limp dick because of jazz cabbage. So, which one would you...

Let's go for the marital advice, I think, because I feel, yeah. Aggro missus? Aggro missus, yeah. Okay. Anon,

this is from Anonymous because he's scared. Please, can you have a word with my bird? She's actually put bread. Please, can you have a word with my bread? Some of the spelliest things in our emails are amazing it might have been meant to be bride please can you have a word with my bread i don't know why bread but i eat um please can you go with my bird she listens to the

pod and i'm hoping she'll take in what's being said here without kicking off i love it a bit and we've got a good thing going but when she's had a few beers she's an absolute nightmare for starting shit with random in boozers or takeaways. She struts like McGregor and is always getting into aggro situations

that I think I'm expected to back her up on but I don't want to get my head kicked in just because she can't wind her neck in. Any advice here

would be appreciated. Start hosting dinner parties invite people you don't like make the situation work for you just fill it with wine yeah fill it with wine and be like cunt this guy off people you're trying to get out of your lives that one fuck off yeah yeah rent her out rent her out to complaints departments and stuff you want to you want to really fucking ruin someone's day be like right you drink these six cans of special brew and we're going to wheel you into

the offices of virgin media and we're going to have a fun time yeah i um i've sympathized a little bit because laura is weirdly confident of her like she's she thinks she's hard when she's had a few right heavies yeah sam can be a bit hard when she's had a few right heavies yeah sam can be a bit spicy when she's had a drink right yeah yeah you can be a bit did you just call me outside you you call me babe or something what are you pissed off at me right now fuck off but not she's not like does she think she can fight no well i don't know actually there was that girl in the jetty cinnamon queue who as soon as she was arguing with me and threatened me does she think she can fight no well I don't know actually there was that girl in the

Jenny Cinnamon queue who as soon as she was arguing with me and threatening me Sam jumped in and was like I'll fucking smash your fucking head in

yeah I think that girls often go a bit peacock big don't they they're like I know how to do this I'll go big and loud

yeah fuck her yeah and hope that people go fucking hell she looks like she really knows how to fight i don't think laura's ever swung the fucking fist do the time-honored thing with a woman to be like of standing just out of our eye line and saying to the person who's doing sorry

yeah get her out and then going yeah it doesn't have to be any more than that that's that's that's been going on for centuries that move it's in the back move. What I do when my missus starts fighting strangers, I do a similar thing. I stand just behind her, but I become a hype man. So she's like, you're a fucking slag. And I'm like, disrespectful. Say it again. What?

You actually make it worse. Let's go. Say it again. You guys are the talk of the local weather spooks. He's very progressive, Adam. He doesn't fight for her, but he does hype her up. Very supportive. She got a jaw broke once, but...

Ow! Ow! Ow! I know she did, darling. Ow! She's making you look like a butt! Christopher Walken. Wow.

Hopefully don't do that if she starts a fight with some black people, because I think that might make it worse. If I start doing it if i start doing accents associated with black people they might get they'll find it very flattering and uh yeah and it will diffuse the situation as they'll say he's you know so i'd have to pick a different accent the chinese one yeah That's respectful. Was that northern or southern? It's Cambodian.

Oh, why? He's asking what happened to the electricity. Oh, my God, I'm going to knock you down the apples and pears. The worst one would be Brummie for that, wouldn't it? It's disrespectful. It sounds like I'm just, like, correcting her. Don't do that, babe. It's disrespectful.

Oh, no. Don't do that. Garrett's got a good one. Let's go Oh come on Why are you always embarrassing me Come on Oh Garrett

Lost it at the end there That was nice Yeah Geordie's the best one Howie Howie Man You cannot punch a baby

Or just stand behind her and be like I've seen her do it I just I've seen her do it. I just... I've seen her do it. I just wouldn't... So, yeah. So, listener to the podcast, I believe you're being asked by Anonymous

to stop having a bloody good time because you can't defuse social tension. I reckon you live your best life. You do whatever you want to do. Keep fighting in kebab shops. Keep fighting in kebab shops. Line them up get the shots down yeah and just speak your truths do you imagine if she changed her ways completely like i used to fight in takeaways but now because garrett miller was on have a word i just don't do that anymore i'm just at home with the phil collins

record chilling out doing offensive Chinese voices. We need to have a word with him. It's not her we're having a word with. It's him. Yeah. You've got to let her fight. You can't cage your brid. If Laura... From before. If Laura started a proper fight,

I'd be like, I am not getting my fucking head knocked in because you don't know how to wind your neck in when you're in a fucking take away. If it's with other women, yeah, but if it's with a man, get involved. Oh, is it car? You can't be funny.

Well, the man should know that you don't, you know, you don't meet aggression from ladies with aggression. Oh, thank you for that, the 1820s. I don't think you've been to a take away where car lives. I probably haven't. He said, look, the lady is getting a bit out of sorts.

Everybody just let her burn herself out, but just don't... What kind of Jane Austen takeaways do you go, dear sir, control your lady. She doth knock out the cheese in my chips. She has said something questionable

To the proprietor How dare you You cad you bounder So West Derby when you're saying it out loud Pete No just leave I'd leave her to it mate Even if it was a mate She's caused it

Go bigger than she does What? Absolutely not no no no you can't do that Because you'd definitely get your head kicked in there like play bad cop bad cop like she's gone big you go fucking massive yeah and then she feels stupid and calm down right and then you're in that's an idea why don't you pre-drink and you do it to her so before she gets all larry you do it and be like see that's what it's like. Yeah. That's interesting.

Sounds healthy. Or art of fight with a load of women. Or why don't you just break up because you both clearly got different ideas of fun. Right. You two sound like

a great invite. You're absolutely incompatible. One more. Shall we go limp dick, jazz cabbage or pervy neighbour? Stee, your call.

Stee? Limp dick jazz cabbage. Okay, this is from a non. This is from Finn. No, this is from Elijah. It says, please keep me anonymous. Hi Liz, please can you have a word with my boyfriend for his affliction to jazz cabbage weed, Garrett?

Right, right, okay. Or me for not being more understanding. Right. I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and he's always been partial to the old weed. He's a British-born St. Lucian, so he's smoked since he was a teenager. I hadn't tried it before meeting him.

We were both 23, but I like it on social occasions. What? I don't. It's the baby's Christmas christmas yeah who gets blazed up at a funeral we do it in saint lucian and since we have both moved to the big city and started our careers he's smoking more and more i've put this down to stress but unfortunately it's starting to affect our sex life i should mention that i'm very horny and will quite happily have sex every evening. I'm aware this could be a bit much for some people.

You horny bitch. Five o'clock? Yeah. Once a day? Woo! Once I get my pudding in me. I'm aware this could be a bit much for some people.

He isn't always up for it, but when he is, he only lasts a few minutes. He always says sorry and often slumps to his computer games. I do feel sorry for him. Stop shagging him while he's on the plane.

Fucking Xbox. This means I don't currently... This means I don't currently during sex... Oh, finish currently. And often need to finish the job myself. This can be a bit difficult to do discreetly when you live in a small flat. This has been going on for about five months.

I googled it and it says this is common for those who smoke a lot of weed. I love him and want to help him, but honestly, I'm so disappointed by our sex life. So please, can you advise what to do as I'm horny and annoyed? Big love to you all. Annoyed.

On a different day? I mean... Break up, you've clearly got different ideas of fun. By the way, this isn't limp dick, is it? No, he's got a hard dick. It just doesn't last long. Disinterested dick. Yeah. Stoned dick.

Yeah. Is it? PlayStation dick. Limp dick is not that hard, isn't it? He can get hard. He's just not arsed he's lazy yeah he's cheating on her

you reckon yeah with weed it yeah mistress there's nothing in that email makes me think he's cheating on her

Mary Jane what if it's the same couple the first one we dealt with it's like I cannot deal with the aggro when she goes out she's either fighting or fucking i'm gonna have a fucking spliff and try and calm down and they're both writing into the podcast to try and get advice and we're just seeing the two different worlds he's been he's been punched out in a weather spoons it's like i just want to play fifa and have a fucking joint and she's like fuck me he does sound a bit like there doesn't he

has short sex then jumps on the xbox or the playstation yeah he needs to fucking pull his finger out probably doesn't he literally finish it off put it up her ass yeah i'm sorry phil collins song for that um i i as soon as you get to this point i just don't know where how this gets sorted if she's 23 none of us are qualified agony on so a bunch of fucking idiots going oh no but if we did that for every email there'd be no end to the podcast right right um i just don't know like where this goes like how does she not just go look if you can't

stop smoking weed and bang me more like I wish I had this fucking problem like it's just well this is quite a moving substance abuse problem

that's being couched in you know why don't you swing with them right oh yeah oh yeah she wants sex

ball man plays cod your missus wants to play playstation she's always on about it isn't she that's the problem in our relationship

she wants to play call of duty and I want more sex which I'm not allowed to talk about because this is a public episode love you babe

love you she's gonna cheat isn't she she's absolutely gonna cheat yeah she's she's on she's on the exit ramp I didn's absolutely gonna cheat yeah she's on she's on the exit ramp there

I didn't know weed fucked up your sex life though I didn't know that it makes you want to do nothing right so I think that's

like all encompassing I've never had an issue myself yeah absolutely shagga even went high had a doobie fucked a babe classic Finn

that's me you I haven't I don't smoke weed and I'm rubbish at sex so it's like you know okay good how are you at Call of. I don't smoke weed and I'm rubbish at sex. So it's like, you know. Okay, good. How are you at Call of Duty?

I can't play computer games. What? What year were you born, Garrett? Because I'm starting to think you're not of this era. No, no, I'm not. I was born in the 80s, but yeah, I'd be more comfortable in other times. I find most things about life I don't really get on with. And I look at old pictures and go, I could have done that.

And I ask for it not to be taken. Yeah. And he stood there for hours. Mate, I think you've got to say, look, I love you, but you've got to stop smoking weed and fuck me. Which, if you're a guy and you cannot, like, something's majorly wrong. Like, if you're a hot 23-year-old missus,

he's like, stop smoking weed and stick your dick in me more. Has he got the new PlayStation, though? Oh, yeah. Because if he's, like, you know... It's a PS5, then. Yeah, it's a PS5, then it's like, no one's got one of those.

He's not going to get back to you. Everyone's got a 23-year-old girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. PS5's hot. And you don't know if he's like, you know... It's a PS5, then... Yeah, it's a PS5. Then it's like, no one's got one of those. He's... Right. Get back to you. Everyone's got a 23-year-old girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. PS5's hard. And you don't know if he's hard either. Right. No.

But that is for people who like computer games. That's the thing, isn't it? The new PS5 is exciting. Yeah. Have you got one? I've got the Xbox. Right. New Xbox.

Okay. I just play it once Sam's gone to bed, once we've done a good pounding. Done a good pounding. I just watch YouTube videos of people fixing vintage furniture. Yeah. Yeah. After I go pounding?

Yeah. Do you actually watch that? Yeah. I can't get enough of it. People... I can't get enough. I can't get enough. He's a patron.

Yeah. Have you ever played on a PS5 because i think it might blow your fucking mind i got a ps4 for a bit and didn't get on with it so i sold it right i find it like a film where i'm being asked to do too much i'm like i've sat here you do it and i'm not just i got a brilliant way this is annoying it is the end of your own it's absolutely annoying yeah so i really like i've liked batman films so i was like i've got the bat everyone's like the batman games are great i was like this isn't good i don't want to be back i want to watch batman i don't want to be i don't want to have to go and find

the joker myself so i just ended up like not being able to be batman very well for ages and then i was it got it stressed me out um do you watch videos of what um i like watching uh i've just got this image in my head of you playing like a superman game and just staying in the office's clock and be like i don't care if people are dying i've got an email to do well when i was when i was teaching my my uh my mate sister do you remember the original gta with a top down view yeah right she would uh his younger sister would be like i want to go on the computer and his mom was like you have to let her have a go so she'd get on and she liked playing gta but what she liked to do is like a little driving simulator she'd drive around she'd stop at the traffic lights and then when they went green they'd move on and her brother would be like she's not doing any missions

and her mom's just like she's enjoying it in her own way and he was like no and she's as happy as larry just driving this little car around. So cute. Yeah, it was great. It's so much more innocent than like, oh, I've beaten up a prostitute. Yay! Yeah, she found a lot to enjoy in GTA. But yeah, no, I've tried to like computer games

because they get good press and it's the sort of thing I feel like I should enjoy. But I find it more of an obligation. I bought this fucking stupid thing for 400 quid i have to try and like it and then in the end it was just like fuck it i'm ebaying it i've had enough of this i'm thinking about getting it i want to get i really loved golf games tiger woods golf the old tiger was game oh he's going to play golf no because i can't say golf it's not good at golf i'm not a member of a golf club yeah yeah fair enough whereas like

when people go are you a gamer I'm like no but then there was a bit of me that loved just very relaxing golf games yeah I quite liked it

what would be good for a golf I don't need a PS5 for a golf game do I no it's a bit too much hardware

an Amiga yeah one of the ones from what's your advice that you relax to then I don't really relax like it

spider I drive to gigs and I do gigs and then I come home and I quite like I like listening to music some music so I've got quite a big record collection and I like I like the things,

you look at me and you go, yes. Like I like Pink Floyd and books about the Second World War. Do you like whiskey? I used to like whiskey, but I can't drink it anymore because it gives me very bad acid indigestion. And I got terrible gout during lockdown. So I can't have whiskey anymore. What have you replaced whiskey with?

Nothing. Like it's just been taken off the menu. So can I have whiskey anymore. What have you replaced whiskey with? Nothing. It's just been taken off the menu. So I can't have whiskey anymore. I just drink lager now. That's all I can. You and I, the other night, we finished on a bourbon. I just couldn't finish it.

Two sips and I feel like someone's stabbing me in the throat. So yeah. I can't even. I've developed an allergy. I used to really like coffee. I've developed an allergy allergy to caffeine so i can't have that anymore either what's the how does the allergy manifest itself uh i just get i get like really bad tunnel vision it's like you know you get jitters off um caffeine it's like that but like times a thousand like my heart starts going i think even though i know why it's happening i think like people are trying to kill me my fight flight mechanism goes i get like tunnel vision i start shaking you've od'd on

coffee i have i started drinking coffee when i was 10 and what the fuck i used to drink like uh about 12 cups of coffee a day what and and then i uh in primary school uh yeah just just coming out of primary school into secondary school a lot of pressure yeah yeah so when I was a have a decaf Garrett come on yeah so I used to drink a lot a lot of coffee uh and then um and then started you know you know how it happens as a gateway drug into Red Bull and then you're having loads of Red Bull and I started driving around being a comedian then coffee Red Bulls all the time and then about two years ago just went bang just went no same thing with red wine used to drink a lot of red wine and i just can't i've had my i've had my lifetime quota in my 20s so now if i have red wine my knees hurt that's a robot

i love it who the fuck is a 10 year old addicted to caffeine yeah these SATs are a bastard how old were you when you started smoking I was 19 when I started smoking I thought you were going to say 9 no no no

you had into smoking I was like do you know what coffee have you got an addicted personality yeah probably yeah yeah that's that's fair I do

I'm like yeah the Pringles thing if I have one I'll have a lot Yeah, probably, yeah. Yeah, that's fair. I do... I'm like... Yeah, the Pringles thing. If I have one, I'll have a lot. Yeah, I think every good comedian has got a problem with sort of moderation. Yeah, because this is... Essentially, if you're a comedian,

you are doing a hobby that got out of hand. Yeah. So that's like... There's something in our wiring that makes us good at what we do, makes us want to do it, that is also like... Yeah. You cannot be sensible that makes us good at what we do, makes us want to do it, that is also like, you cannot be sensible at those points.

It was really, really tantalising during lockdown because I thought for a bit, oh, I could do without this. Like, I don't need this. And so that first lockdown one, I was like, maybe I'll go and do something else. And then I did one gig

and you're back and they were like three metres apart all wearing masks and you're in a car park. And I was like, no, I need this. I need this. These little eyes just shaking, laughing masks you're in a car park and i was like no i need this i need this his little eyes just shaking laughing when you're doing like uh two-year-old material yeah doing two-year-old material at a shit gig and you still get like the rush of thing and you go yeah it's

i'm a proper where was our site and it was how to do comedy and it was taught through the medium of just doing stand-up comedy yeah i was in a conference center you wouldn't you would have made great smugglers back i was one of the key keynote speakers and literally went welcome to the comedy. There was a thing during the first break before we went to lockdown too. So we got out and they were allowed to do various forms of crap gig. And then I remember at the beginning you go out

and everybody's there like, we're out, this is so, who gives a fuck if I'm wearing a mask and I have to order in an app and I'm sitting five miles away from everyone. It's just great. So you'd say anything and they'd be like, and then I was doing a gig

at the end of September and it was raining and they were all in coats in a marquee on the side of a pub miles apart from, and you could see this rain just lashing down,

just went out and everyone was like, fuck this. And I was like, oh, the honeymoon is over. People have got to the- These people want buildings again now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think people are gigging too, a lot of the comedians I know are gigging too much because I think we've all got PTSD from when it was taken away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think people are gigging too... A lot of the comedians I know are gigging too much because I think we've all got PTSD from when it was taken away. Yeah, yeah, I'm gigging way too much. I've spoken to so many comics who are like, oh, man, I just keep saying yes to every gig because they've had it taken away

and now they're like... Yeah, Adam says to me at midnight, like, do you want to drive four hours up to Liverpool to have a chat with us? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I've taken a day off to be with my eight-month-old daughter, but no, fuck it, I'm coming to Liverpool. I was in Liverpool literally days ago and I've come... I'm up, yeah my 8 month old daughter but no fuck it I'm coming to Liverpool I was in Liverpool literally days ago

I'm up yeah yeah Let's fucking go 5 hours sleep Allergy to caffeine let's go You are the absolute proof of what I just said Right well thanks for coming in man I mean there's no Resolution to those Ask him to shag yeah and smoke less

And if he says no go and shag someone else who smokes less Or admit that we're no longer In a lockdown situation The marketplace is very huge No, ask him to shag, yeah, and smoke less. And if he says no, go and shag someone else who smokes less. Or admit that we're no longer in a lockdown situation. The marketplace is very huge. You have value. Go and find another partner. Wow. Sex economics.

Sex-onomics. Sex-onomics. Quiet. I never got to tell you my story about the pig. Next time. Oh, my God. Next time. I'll tease him. Next time on Have a Word.

Where can people find you online? Oh God. You don't give a shit about any of this stuff, do you? I've got accounts and things because you're sort of obliged to now. But yeah, you can find me on Instagram. I have a website, but I've got a couple of albums out,

stand-up albums. You have. And so Smile is great, but Sunflower is one of my favourite stand-up albums ever. Oh, good bless. I love it. We listened to a bit in here,

didn't we? We did, a while back and I've listened to it, like, it must be close to Double Figures. They're both on Spotify but if you want to take my advice, start with Sunflower.

Sunflower is the first, yeah, is the first one and then I just recorded a show that I'm going to put out on YouTube in like a month of like a best of some new stuff and then because i was panicked we're gonna get locked down again so i was like right i'm gonna get all my best gear together i'm gonna record an hour just in case we get locked up so that's the pleasance feeling the pleasant so yeah garrett

millerick live at the pleasance is going to come out in about a month six weeks something like that cool yeah well we all plug the shizzles that once it's out great stuff oh yeah i'll give you the link for the old show notes to the old sunflower album and uh yeah thanks for having me fellas thanks very much that is gannett miller local ladies and gentlemen the usual tidying up from me and dan we're both on tour my tickets are at adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows dan yours are at dan nightingale.com uh there's shit loads of merch being sold at the minute they are flying out constantly at have a wordale.com there's shit loads of merch being sold at the minute they are flying out constantly at haveawordpod.com

and as always if you want an extra episode of this stuff every week as well as all the past catalogue all the bonus episodes we do

like on top of the extra episodes you get a week and daily access to public episodes patreon.com slash haveawordpod come and join the

nearly 7,000 people on there oh Jesus erm that's it just go about your lives shall we put another one out

cheers Garrett me go