Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #145 with Jimmy Carr - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Find all of Jimmy's stuff here:Before & Laughter: http://smarturl.it/BeforeAndLaughter Moment House: https://www.momenthouse.com/jimmycarr Jimmy's website: https://www.jimmycarr.com/ Jimmy's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/user/jimmycarrfansUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch! Oh, Jesus.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube.

It has to be. Have a word. I'm having a really handsome day today. I caught that. You said that last week? No, it was a few weeks ago. Oh. I've had a fat few weeks. Right.

I've had a fat fortnight. Yeah. I've had a fat fortnight. Yeah. I have. Do you know my weight fluctuates an insane amount? Like, I think I might be like a medical marvel. You look quite slim today. I don't know what it is. Yeah.

Do you know what it is? My hair's high. I've shaved my beard. So my head looks longer rather than fatter. All my weight's in my fringe. I've got my new jacket on. I've had a shave from the other day. And I started the gym yesterday.

You've lost all that weight since yesterday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I reckon I've probably- New woman. I reckon I've probably lost half a stone since yesterday. 100%. What did you do in the gym? What?

What did you do in the gym? Weight cutting? We did a few weights and I just blew the cobwebs out. I haven't been in since before. Big fucking half stone cobwebs. Well, the first thing I did was block the toilet with a poo. And the second thing I did was stop the workout to throw up onto my own poo.

Oh, no. Wow. That's losing weight, though, isn't it? It was already so gross. This is a new level of gross. Hi, new listeners and watchers hey jimmy's on let's this guy yeah i woke up today put my new uh my new jacket on white undershirt just made it pop and oh my god did you peel up your penis as well like my cleaners come in before i've got cleaners

as well um which sam has forced me to hire because I won't clean any of them, which is fair enough. And I was just, like, as they walked in, I was just in the middle, just doing a little bit of a, hey. Right. Yeah. And they said, Mr. Ro, Mr. Ro, you're having a handsome day. Because you've got Mexican cleaners.

Yeah. Oh, Mr. Ro. Yeah, that's what the cleaners are called Three Mexican men What? Three Mexican men Not the three amigos No

I think they've missed out On a bit of branding there Where shall we call ourselves? The three of us We are friends The three clean amigos No, no, no It's too complicated

Don't do wordplay Three Mexican men Who clean your house for money from Mexico. Miguel, we're going to have to shorten it up. It won't fit on the side of the van. You don't want to be hot? Where are you cleaners genuinely from? Liverpool.

Oh, okay. Salt of the earth. Salt of the earth. Where are your cleaners genuinely from? Liverpool. Ah, okay. Yeah. Salt of the earth. Salt of the earth. Homegrown fucking cleaners. Yeah. One of them asked for a vodka before. What?

There you go. Yeah. 11 o'clock in the morning. She asked for a vodka. That'd have been tequila if it was a three-year-old. In a jokey way, but in a way that suggested that if the other girls were up for it, she'd have had one. Sorry, what? So she walked in.

You were checking yourself out. You were like, hey, Adam, you look fucking great. Can I get on that fucking Smirnoff, lad? Hooverin's a right twat. There's no Smirnoff on my barmy. It's Greg. It's actually a snap. Oh, sorry.

Yeah. Are you trying to get laid on the start of this podcast? I'm fucking looking beautiful. And I've been to the gym to be fair you did say you puked on your own poo so it's a very particular type of lady who's gonna be like oh he's talking my language bitch um so like i was sat doing some like tour work on my laptop going away and the three girls come in and one of them went straight upstairs clean the bathroom and God bless that lady

they're not in church, they're too lazy, just a face. It's a Mexican thing it's too hard to do the full cross like you're trying to get bits of taco out of your moustache God bless that lady Actually a Catholic Not a good one Well this is how dirty my bathroom must be Three of them were there for an hour You pay for three hours

That one girl was in the bathroom For the hour And my bathroom is about the size of that couch Wow Yeah Right She had stuff to do Hang on

So this is the Is this the first The first time they've ever been? Second So she was in there for a full hour And she's already done the bathroom Hang on About six weeks ago

Haven't you always got cleaners? What. Haven't you always got cleaners? What? Haven't you always got cleaners? No, every now and then we sort of go, the house is a tip. Oh, I thought you had regular cleaners. No. Right. So every now and then we go, the house is a tip.

Let's get a cleaner in to sort it out. They come in once and then resign. And then six weeks later we need to get a new one. Yeah. And then a few weeks ago it got a bit messy And Sam was like, I think like once a month, we should just get them in to give the house a once over. So they come. You get charged for three hours,

but it's actually three girls doing one hour each. Yeah, okay. Oh, we're getting them in once a week when we move in. We've made that decision. I think I'm going to go fortnightly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sherika works a very stressful job. Your missus works a stressful job. You don't want to clean. That's literally it. But I was sat there doing me work, and she was like, so Adam, what about this?

We're going to do this, mate. And I went, listen. I went, listen, love. Do whatever the fuck you want. As long as my missus comes home from work and thinks it's being cleaned, you've done your job. Because I don't really care that much.

Sam doesn't know that you got in. You're pretending that you've done it. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I thought you were care that much. Sam doesn't know that you got in. You're pretending that you've done it. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. I thought you were doing that. Listen. No. Ears are fucking torn.

Make me look good. No. However, I'm now gutted that I didn't do that. But Sam booked them. She's not stupid. I just said to these girls, I went, look, just crack on. Do whatever you want.

And then she went, oh, might as well have a vodka then. And I went, help yourself. Oh, because you said, do whatever you want. And then she went, oh, might as well have a vodka then. And I went, help yourself. Oh, because you said, do whatever you want. I wondered how she got to vodka. Like, yeah, I really need to give that Flora Hoover. Yeah, with all them vodka stains. There isn't vodka stains.

There is now. What are you on about? Two bottles open. You do whatever you want. Great. Help yourself. You've got top shelf. I said help yourself. Wow. Yeah, I've got good stuff, but I'm a Help yourself. You've got top shelf. I said help yourself.

Wow. Yeah, I've got good stuff, but I'm a generous man. You know what I mean? What's mine is yours. You'll come home when all the elders are done. Is that how you feel with cleaners, is it? Yeah. That's how you get robbed.

Hey, help yourself to anything. You're here, three of you for one hour. Did the fucking lot. Yeah. I said you can help yourself. You can have whatever you want she was like oh I might do

and then the other girls were just like carried on cleaning I think she was like yeah probably one thing I don't think but I wouldn't have minded that if she had a little vodka

on the job why not you should have made them all a pina colada what time is this 11am yeah 11am it's not usually just

one vodka is it I just get this one vodka 11am it's going to be the start you're going to come home and there's going to be a piss cleaner

in your house I haven't left the cleaners there oh okay i i stay in the house while they're there to keep an eye on them right how do you do that well how do you do that you're a confusing boss aren't you do whatever you want the fuck are you doing make yourself a home relax do what you want have a shit upstairs as do what you want, have a shit upstairs as long as you clean it. Have a vodka, no Smirnoff, not a pov.

Enjoy yourself, but I'll be fucking watching. No, but you never want to like take your eye off them for a minute and then whoops, there goes your DVD player. No, you never want to tell them

they can drink alcohol. You've confused the issue. You never want to let them they can drink alcohol. You've confused the issue. You never want to let them do anything. I mean, you can tell them that. No, what I meant was clean anything and have a vodka if you want, if that makes your job. You know, if you need to get in the zone.

Is it 2011 in your house? Why? Why the fuck have you got a DVD player? I'll be honest, Carl. I just thought of the first appliance that came to me. And I think my first thought was television But I was like Hang on

Get off me DVDs There's no way they'd get that television Without me No Susan Yeah I want Someone to come and do The ironing And a bit of cleaning

And I want A nanny I'd like two nannies I've got kids by the way If you've never watched before I just don't want a nanny To You know

Look after me I'd love a A gardener I'm really close To getting a gardener I just I just don't want a nanny to you know look after me I'd love a gardener I'm really close to getting a gardener I just don't enjoy it I've got a nice garden it's quite big I want it to look nice

I just don't enjoy doing it so I want to get a gardener in Do you know in your head you know the nanny does she sort of secretly want to fuck you because I'm not proud of it but earlier on

in my head all three of those cleaners were just trying to figure out a way to ask. Good, they shook me off. Is that what you're trying to give them? Vodka? I don't want a drink, Mr. O. Have a vodka. It's Grey Goose. My hair's looking tall, isn't it? I lost half a stone yesterday.

I'm not going to tell you how. I don't know if you're that dirty. No, I don't. If you're going to bang someone, don't bang someone that's working at your house. I'm not saying you want to. I'm not saying you want to. I don't want to.

I'm in a very happy relationship with a lovely woman called Samantha. Okay? It's the start of a porno, isn't it? Three cleanings come around. I don't think there's a single... I thought you were talking about the nanny. I'm in a very happy relationship with a lovely woman called Samantha. Okay? It's the start of a porno, isn't it? Three Cleansers Come Around. I don't think there's a single- I thought you were talking about the nanny. The nanny's not the start of a porno.

It probably is. No. Bang the babysitter. You're sat there tired. Your wife's there tired. And then the nanny comes in and like, oh, just look at this. I'd love another one of these in me. That's not a porn.

Watch the old man. No, you don't have to get them pregnant in porn. But I don't think there's a man alive who has three strange women bouncing to his house and doesn't think, oh, well, obviously, we all know where this is going. You've watched more porn collectively

than everyone else in this room. You can't tell me three cleaners coming into your house doesn't immediately, on some level, make you think of your dick. I do not believe you. All right, one, I've never had three Scouse cleaners come round. One who's definitely an alcoholic. Never had that happen.

Can't wait for that experience. I don't even live in Liverpool. I'll fucking pay their travel just to have that experience. I'll almost an 18, girl. Fuck, I know. What have you got in? Well, actually, the job after media, we're going to Wells Meaport.

Oh, right. Halfway there, yeah. Okay. Blue Planet Aquarium. I can see it but I know I've watched a lot of porn

but I genuinely haven't seen the scene where three female cleaners come round I know it sounds like that must be a porn it has to be

yeah I've watched so much porn that I'd probably start looking for the three Mexican guys just to spice it up a little bit hello

don't worry it's not gay how about the vodka and then I'd probably start looking for the three Mexican guys just to spice it up a little bit. Hello. Don't worry, it's not gay. I've had a vodka. I read yesterday that apparently Hugh Hefner used to love a bit of the old cock. A bit of the old cock. Yeah. Praise be to God. Yeah, Hugh Hefner, apparently he got so bored

of the Playboy models that he bummed a few men as well. Praise be to God Yeah Hugh Hefner Apparently like He got so bored Of like the Playboy models That he bummed A few men as well Which is when He just literally got Yeah like What's the difference

I thought you meant Get bummed What's the difference No I mean If he's shagging women And then going to bum men It's just I don't know whether

He was taking I don't know what he was doing He had some Homosexual intercourse. Right. How was that lift? Just to clear that up, Carl. Yeah, I think there was a lot of that in the 60s, wasn't there?

Wasn't there? Just like some of the famous movie stars, there's accounts of them sort of swinging and having bisexual sex parties. Maybe it just becomes a thing of like if that what did um heather mills say about paul mccartney being married to paul mccartney he was like what was it like post-divorce and she was like imagine being with someone who's never had anyone say no since he was like 18 years old just it's difficult because in his whole life everyone's just said yes women business

opportunities wherever he's whatever he's wanted everyone's gone yes mr mccartney because you're one of the most famous rock stars ever and that's not easy to be so maybe sexually when everyone says yes you're like yeah there's no challenge boring yeah yeah i get that boring so then you want to fuck steve mc McQueen Or whatever Other 60s star You know I wasn't ready for that name Here's a question Obviously

As our listeners and viewers Will know by now Esteemed guest on today Mr Jimmy Carr And having a A big guest on Can open the door To other big guests

So do you think We should try and get Paul McCartney on the couch Yeah Would he be good would he be good would he be good i mean that finn are finn our assistant producer that'd be hard to watch you jizz while being an assistant producer wouldn't it he's the ultimate what pr man so he'd be great he'd be very charming but i'm not sure how funny he'd be

if i'm honest because he tells like the same five stories on a loop since the 60s oh has he got a set yeah he's got a set of what he's like a lazy circuit comic who's who basically wrote a set and then gone these work i'm not changing it exactly that i didn't know that so how do you know he's got the five set stories i've watched loads of interviews with him. Because you love the Beatles? I love the Beatles. Oh, cool. So I've seen the

same few stories just come up every interview. And there's not that much new, ever. It's like an ex-footballer who does the round

tables. Yeah, yeah. He's an after-dinner speaker. He's worth over a billion pounds. Yeah. Got five stories.

Always close with this one. Right. I'd love to get him on, though. That'd be great. Paul McCart pounds. Yeah. Got five stories. Always close with this one. Right. I'd love to get him on, though. Yeah. Paul McCartney. Yeah. That's a dream.

I don't think I'd be able to cope, though. Where does Jimmy Carr get as to Paul McCartney? I think he knows him. He's probably met him. I think they played racquetball together on Tuesday mornings. Racketball. Do you know, that sort of sounds believable, doesn't it? Where does Paul McCartney live?

Finn. He's got a few houses. Sunderland. He's in Sunderland now. Where does he live? Where's he paying fucking council tax? There's a story

in the Echo a couple of weeks ago, did you see it? Where someone saw him at a bus stop and that was the story. They shouted, I went to your school

and he went, alright, that was the entire story in the Echo. I don't know where it was I think it was near Lime Street Liverpool Echo's journalism

has gone quite downhill over the past few years yeah something happened where we live the news right so do you think he lives

on Merseyside still do you think he's got a house on Merseyside no I think he lives in Surrey does he still live in England I thought he lived in LA or New York

no he does live in England definitely lives in England I'll be or New York, me. No, he does live in England. Definitely lives in England. I'll be honest with you, I've already looked into getting him on before. Oh, right, okay. What? I've already looked into

getting Paul McCartney on. How did you look into that? I tried to find out where he lived and I was going to send him a letter. Was that easy, was it? Is that how it's usually done?

Podcast booking? Dear sir! Adam, you struggle to get a clip on Instagram. How are you writing a letter to Paul McCartney? Hang on. Can I use the bullshit bell? Hang on.

I occasionally, when I'm busy with other stuff, miss the odd posting. I book all the guests, and I'm on fucking fire at the minute, mate. So you can shove your fucking Italian top up your cunt. He's going to get Paul McCartney. Maybe. Get Paul McCartney. He's written the letter. I think going to get Paul McCartney. Maybe. Get Paul McCartney on the phone.

He's written the letter. I think if we get Paul McCartney on, we've got to do like a surprise reunion with Ringo. They're not falling out. They're not falling out. They haven't spoken for. No, I don't mean like Jeremy Kyle style as your dad sort the problems out.

I just mean like, hey, by the way, wouldn't it be great if Ringo was here and he'd be like, oh, I love Ringo. He's on the desk. Where't it be great if Ringo was here and he'd be like, oh, I love Ringo. He's under the desk. Where are we going to keep Ringo,

Al? Paul's in. Listen, hide in studio two, Ringo. I don't want to hide in studio two. We'll get him to do

a mild high club. A Ringo. Right. They used to love a bit of a dupe. Yeah, we get a mild high,

one of the Beatles as a guest. There you go. But you're only getting him because he's coming in for the 30 second joke on us so jimmy car jimmy car is gonna lead us to more famous guests who is your big the one you want to get the most going on from jimmy car say we can't get paul mccartney say you know, you've got the wrong address. Yeah. They've redirected them in. What are you going for like random old fucking

pop stars for? I just want to sing Roxanne, I think. Roxanne. Christoph Waltz. You want Christoph Waltz? Yeah.

Fucking curl man him. Yeah, but he probably wouldn't be that funny, would he? He's definitely got stories though. Yeah. Christoph Waltz for me

yeah why Christoph Waltz particularly he's a very good actor you just love you love his work genuinely that's why I love him he's so fucking good at his job he's so good in Django

yeah he's so good in everything he's so good at playing like Kevin Spacey there didn't he the reason he's not very vocal in it before the thing is so you believe him as the role

rather than that's Kevin Spacey I think he's good at that before the thing it's so you believe him as the role rather than that's Kevin Spacey I think he's good at that yeah yeah you believe him in the role publicly hides yeah yeah

so that you're not like that's Christoph Waltz doing that rather than that's like Nicolas Cage it's Nicolas Cage

doing the thing isn't it yeah I don't yeah you've not it's not one of the better other actors is it

Nicolas Cage is a bit no but I mean he's like you think that's Nicolas Cage whereas with Christoph Waltz you're like i just believe him in this role same with tom hanks tom hanks is one of the most recognizable actors yeah of the last what 40 years and still i watch his films and go i believe that it's the character yeah um good he very good have you got a favourite actor?

I used to love Benicio Del Toro I just thought he was so fucking cool and grumpy and everything but then when I did warm up for Jonathan Ross he was on and he was the most boring interview I've ever watched so it's funny because this was before we did a podcast

I did warm up for Jonathan Ross twice. The band on one of them was U2. I think I told this story like literally on episode 10 or something. You know, when Jonathan Ross, this was when he was still on the BBC before he got sacked for doing that thing with Russell Brand. And U2 were the band and they were playing one of their shit hits.

Oh my God. Oh, you've told this yet? And they did it like six times. You two haven't been gone for like 25 years but they're still like, we've got another album out. And you're like,

no one cares. We've even forced you to download it on Apple. Fuck off, you two. It's on his fucking phone. Oh, it's so annoying. And they did one of their songs and they got about

two and a half minutes in and Bono went, yeah, that was shit. We're going to do it again. And the crowd were like, okay. So because it's, there's a quite big audience of like 300 people who had put up with me and gone, all right, it's fine.

They want to see what's going on behind. You two just restarted the song and everyone was like, so this happens, does it? Yeah, because it's TV. And the 300 people in the audience are not fucking important. Hold on, you were there. I was TV warm-up man. Oh, right.

I was the warm-up guy. Oh, fuck. So you met you too. I was in U2 for a bit. I was in U2. Right. He's a guitarist for U2. You've met U2.

I was the edge. And you've met Benicio Del Toro. So Benicio Del Toro was one of the guests. You've met him then? No, because you're not allowed to go, hello, Benicio. How are you? of the guests You've met him then No Because you're not allowed To go Hello Benicio How are you

I'm the warm up guy Especially in that voice It's offensive It's just offensive In the contract So he walked past And I sort of Just

Because I thought he was great Did you meet Four Puffs in a piano I did yeah I was like Hello Four Puffs in a piano They As Benicio Del Toro

Walked past I sort of sniffed him Yeah Just because You weren't allowed To say hello It's not good To be honest As Benicio Del Toro walked past, I sort of sniffed him. Yeah. Just because you weren't allowed to say hello. Smelled good. To be honest, he did. He smelled great.

And then he got on the couch and was so fucking difficult. And now having watched us, like we've had guests on and there's certain episodes that just fly. And there's other episodes where you can feel yourself sort of like trying to maneuver it somewhere. And I watched Jonathan Ross work his fucking nuts off with Benicio Del Toro and got nothing. He's like, oh, so you're in a new film? He's like, yeah.

Yeah. He's like, you've got a cleaning company? He was like, yes, yes. With my two friends. You know, from before. You know, from before. It looks like a right laugh Anna Kendrick

she'd be great on that fair to say yeah so who who your favourite actor is isn't necessarily who you definitely want on the podcast

Denzel would be great on it he's probably my favourite actor Rob Piff changes mate I need to start stop watching that clip where oh

I've forgotten his name the Black Panther who just died Bo Bo Chadwick Boseman when he where, oh, I've forgotten his name, the Black Panther who just died. Bowsman. Chadwick Boseman. Chadwick Boseman. When he, at the awards, thanks Denzel for giving him that,

like, paid for his tutelage, didn't he? Yeah. An acting camp. Without Denzel, there is no Black Panther. I'm like, why am I getting upset watching a clip that happened fucking years ago? Yeah, Denzel, I think. Yeah, you're more like White Tabby Cat than panther aren't you nailed that absolutely i didn't know what it

was i didn't know what you're trying for but i really appreciate the effort would you like brad pitt he's probably my second favorite actor brad pitt looks pretty cool you know in interviews he looks sound and he's a good actor as well yeah i think people underestimate him because he's good looking like oh he's just eye candy he's a good actor as well i genuinely don't think i can't uh i can't i don't think uh actors are the best podcasters though i don't think they're the best people to interview because their whole life is like i pretend to be someone else yeah they're not they don't have to be charismatic they have have to be phenomenal actors. Some of them are. Some of them are great.

And on this. Not as many as comedians, though. Comedian trade-off, them being charismatic, being funny, being entertaining. Some actors are just quite simple, softly spoken people,

aren't they? Yeah. Benicio Del Toro was fucking awkward on Jonathan Ross that day. Yeah, I know what you mean. Because they haven't been told what to say. So they can't. Maybe that's the key. We get Benicio mean. Because they haven't been told what to say. So they can't...

Maybe that's the key. We get Benicio Del Toro on, but we give him a script. He doesn't look like a right cunt. Yeah. Because he'll read it. He'd love that. We'll go and practice his lines

with Ringo Starr in Studio 2. What are you doing here, Benicio? What comedians do we want? If we're going, if Jimmy Carr's going to be the lead in. Bridges. Yeah, Bridges would be sound. It's got to be number one, Bridges, surely.

I feel like I'd have loved Billy Connolly, but I just think he's retiring now, isn't he? Yeah. I nearly bought a bit of his fine art. Yeah, you said? In Newcastle. It was like 60 grand, so. What?

It was like 60 grand. That's gone up since the last time you quoted. Have you just made up that number in your head? Yeah. Yeah. It was like 60 grand. I nearly bought it. No, you fucking didn't.

No, I looked at it and liked it and wanted it and couldn't afford it. Right. Yeah. Maybe if the tour gets extended, though. Spend all me tour on one Billy Connolly. On one piece of art. Eddie Murphy?

Isn't put... What? Eddie Murphy. We could get Eddie Murphy in and he could play me and Dan as well, like in all his films. I'd rather have Chris Rock. Would you?

Yeah. I'd rather have Chris Rock on than Eddie Murphy. Well, I prefer Chris Rock. I feel like if we get the opportunity for either, we jump at it. I'm just putting that out there. If Eddie Murphy goes, lads, I'd love to come to Runcorn.

You got Chris Rock's number? Eddie, we're actually free on October 28th. Have you not? Who'd you pick? Chris Rock or Eddie Murphy? Chris Rock! Let's get the one together. Same time. I can't pick. That's hard, that. Eddie Murphy. No, Eddie Murphy. Chris Rock let's get the one together same time

I can't pick that's hard Eddie Murphy no Eddie Murphy because he was like one of the founding fathers of stand up

he was the one who just come just after prior he on the wall he on the wall I don't think founding father I think he's not he's not

not in that founding father era he's that second second wave of that isn't he yeah but that's still close enough to that that's what I mean he's not in that founding father era. He's that second wave of that, isn't he? Yeah, but that's still close enough to that. That's what I mean. He was the second... Pushing it forward.

Yeah. He was a big dog. Yeah. I remember there's a story, a great story, of Richard Pryor was on stage at the Comedy Store, right? And the way the Comedy Store in LA works is if there's a guy who turns up who's like a big deal they'll cut in front of who's meant to be next so let's say it's richard pryor and then

it's meant to be me or you then eddie murphy turns up then they go right you'll go on later eddie murphy's going on now you just get bumped there and then just before you said that can happen and richard pryor's on stage and he's handed a note which says, Eddie Murphy's here and he's on next. Because they do a role and thing, or they certainly used to. There's no MC. Each act introduces the next one. And Richard Pryor said on stage, okay, he finished his next joke

and said, right, I've just been told that the next act is a young up-and-coming lad who you might have seen a couple of his films and people are saying he's the new me his name's eddie murphy people saying he's the new richard pryor but i'm not done being richard pryor but welcome to the stage eddie murphy and richard pryor goes and sits on the steps of the stage of the main room or the original room at the comedy store and watched and just sat basically like you don't need to do a gong show like the king gong and you sat there and he just haunted the stage while eddie murphy no pressure eddie and eddie murphy absolutely roofed it and then they walked off together after the set and they became friends oh really nice

that that is where they met richard pryor met eddie murphy on stage at the comedy store as he introduced them wow some story this lad this this lad up and coming done a few films fucking hell i don't know what that that's me maybe he hadn't done films yet but he was he's He's a young lad. He's only done 10 gigs. He's done two films, though. Fucking great agent. He wasn't, like, super famous yet, but he was enough to bump the next act.

Making waves. Yeah. Because Eddie Murphy was, like, fucking 18 when he did his first special, wasn't he? Yeah. So young. Delirious. Very controversial as well.

Was, very. Yeah. Got the A's on your lips yeah yeah I would yeah of course I'd like Eddie Murphy I'm still I'm still intrigued by

your need to buy art though like it's the this is the second time it's come up and I love the idea that you are gonna get

like a because you've you've developed quite a hey what would you is it an addiction to buying trainers And I love the idea that you are going to get like a, because you've developed quite a, hey, what would you, is it an addiction to buying trainers? Like you're definitely going through a webs phase, aren't you? Yeah.

If that moves towards buying art, because Paul Smith's buying a lot of art. Our mate Paul Smith has started to buy a lot of art. I just want to make me home look homey. Do you know what I mean? What, with £60,000 Billy Connolly art? Well, I didn't buy that and smell enough sorry Grey Goose

what yeah I just you know it's a good art I can appreciate what was it

what what was Billy Connolly's art it was a picture it was a self portrait alright but and to be honest with you it's not that good but he has got

Parkinson's hasn't he so I was like good effort it's a part of his it's a part of him isn't it yeah self portrait he's got Parkinson's

yeah like he's he's done really well for someone with like it's brilliant for that can you tell he's got Parkinson's no in the painting yeah

hmm if anyone's wondering Like, it's brilliant for that. Can you tell he's got Parkinson's? No. In the painting? Yeah. If anyone's wondering why I am choking up a little bit, it's because my dad's got Parkinson's, and I feel like, oh, we're in a dangerous zone to be making these jokes. Although my dad's pretty funny with the Parkinson's. Like, he's quite funny. Yeah. He's made jokes in the past,

like in an Italian restaurant when he's doing the fucking black pepper. He's like hell i'm good at this you know just as i've gone don't make a joke don't make a joke and he's like chili oil fucking everywhere do every once so it's not like my dad doesn't make jokes about it but yeah parking suffer and doing self-portraits could get a little bit fucking squirrely, couldn't it? But that's why,

I think that's why he's sort of, I think it's him. I think that's why he started doing it. I don't think he was painting beforehand. I think he's sort of trying to own his illness,

Billy Connolly, and be like, I'm not going to let it stop me doing this. Right. I think he's been an artist for a while, you know. I think he's been doing it

a while. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen his tours where he's been around Australia, he's been around Scotland, he's been around all for a while you know I think he's been doing it a while yeah yeah yeah I've seen his tours where he's been around Australia he's been around

Scotland he's been around all of the British Isles hasn't he and he goes on like a fucking what do they call it like a motorbike trike

trike is it it's not a trike is it what is it it's not a tricycle I know that's because it's made

to sound like a kids thing like a motorbike with three wheels yeah so I think he's done that for a while oh I didn't know that but would you have bought

if it wasn't Billy Connolly because you're saying I just want to make my whole no it's because of who it is isn't it yeah 78 you mean

fair fucking play too yeah but I've seen an interview with him recently it's quite a sort of nice interview but a sad one because obviously

it's getting really bad now his illness and stuff and it's weird that we've ended up on this subject but he's talking about stand-up comedy and obviously I'm obsessed

with it and you are and our listeners know that our regular listeners and we love it and we think it's a really important and great art form and he so clearly loves

stand-up as a thing and he says there's a forefather if we're talking about UK stand-up forefathers without And he says... There's a forefather. If we're talking about UK stand-up forefathers, without him, I don't think we'd be where we are. He says he's had to stop doing comedy because of the Parkinson's, because the Parkinson's is obviously affecting his brain.

And he's like, I can still have conversations and I'm hating them, whatever. He said, but you need a really good, quick brain for stand- stand-up comedy he's like it was great to be good at it or it was good to be great at it one of the way around he's like yeah he's like you he said a lot more people should be listening to comedians because they're telling the truth in in their own way politicians and all that can go fuck themselves essentially comedians and poets they're the ones in some way telling the truth and it's like as a stand-up comic and a comedy nerd as well to see someone like that who's obviously struggling now talk about stand-up comedy in such a candid and passionate way still now saying he

can't do it anymore and he could still do a better hour than 90 of the comics out there because his brain slowed down but it's still better than a% of the comics out there because his brain slowed down, but it's still better than a lot of people. He's sort of acknowledged, you know what, I'm not what I was, the speed of it and the wit and the intellect that it takes to be a top, the comic that he was, one of the best of all time. He's like, but... Well, yeah, because it's... He's still an advocate for it.

It's not that he can't do it. He can't do it as well as he could. Yeah. And that must be a sad feeling. That's not that he can't do it. He can't do it as well as he could. Yeah. And that must be a sad feeling. That's like some amazing footballers burn really bright and then don't gradually slow down and have eight years going down the leagues.

They just go, oh, fuck it, if I can't do it at this level, I'm just not going to do it and sort of retire a little bit earlier. I can almost see how that comes about. With Billy, he's at the age where, and with his illness,

I think when you're poorly, having, you know, my father-in-law's not very well at the moment, and, like, my dad's got his Parkinson's, people with these illnesses don't want to be sympathised with too much or, like, don't want to be treated differently. Must be a shitty feeling as a comedian, where you know you're well loved like billy connolly would be loved even if he did a gig tomorrow everyone in the room would

absolutely adore him if you see in the faces or in the reactions or in the laughs people feeling sorry for you that's not what you want as a comic ever is it i would rather not gig than have people go oh bless him yeah yeah that's one of the worst reactions when you're trying because as a comic you write a lot of different comedy don't you you write comedy that everyone's going to recognize or this is like your life this is like my life other times it's just like adam before going yesterday i i did a poo and then i puked on the poo like you meant to laugh because it's like oh my god that, that's fucking terrible. You're meant to laugh at you, aren't you? The worst reaction is when you do one of those self-deprecating

isn't my life fuck moments and the crowd go, ah, and you're like, ah, God. You're meant to find it funny, not pity me. I'd hate that. I'd pack it in as well. Billy Connolly. Well, we may never get him, but what a fucking legend. That was a little bit of a...

That was more totes of most than we usually go, wasn't it? Started with bollocks. Went quite nice. We'll have a little break now. Do some more bollocks. Maybe some more nice. Should we do that? Let's have an interval, eh?

Yes. Oh, yeah. I want a schnack. Schnack it. Wag wag, lads. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real?

This is an add this. Oh, for the merch. For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy girl starter bra.

Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said, don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself. But look at them.

Look through the camera. They're fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here.

Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com If you can't read. Get on me. Row, he's done the prep. Done the prep. I've got a few things I want to talk about, though. You know? Just a few things I want to talk about though you know just a few things i want oh i regret saying that this website with the football kits the h gate it's

gonna be an issue that is a lovely jersey this is gonna be a problem i've wanted one of these since the early 90s it It's basically chinesebargains.com isn't it? Slash 40kits. I mean, it's the ultimate in jag. Yeah.

It's like St. John's Market but on the internet. But, you know when you go to Turkey or wherever, like on holiday and they're like, oh yes,

we have football kits and you're like, you don't though, do you? You have awful shit. Pro-evo players. I hate those. This is perfect.

And it cost £12.14 because that's a price in China. £12.14 plus £1.26 in shipping. It's coming from China and it cost them £1.26. I don't know how that works. Because they just send an orphan he delivers it by hand

did you not see that when you're knocking on the door is that all it cost £1.26 an orphan from China he's fucking skinned right okay yeah that's why it takes four weeks

so he walks turned up today I was like you could see Laura's face like what have you been buying from china i was like memories football memories love it oh my god you came around the other day my daughter embraced adam i've never seen anything like it she hasn't seen you since when was it the last time you were in my house so adam dropped me off the 12th of no not the episode 12 no yeah it must have been in and around the lockdown just after the lockdown

because we did like a week of in lockdown the 25th 26th of march last year that was the last time etta's only seen adam whenever i've watched a clip really quietly around my four-year-old daughter and i was like look who's here Adam literally reversed onto the drive we got out of the car Etta was like who's here she loves new people she was like who's here and she saw Adam and then went to give him a hug but like held him around the neck Adam lifted her up I was like guys it's not your long lost uncle it's the guy I do a podcast with who you've met four times.

Maybe she's been listening to the podcast and she knows if she shows me some appreciation, she gets to stay out of the cage. Yeah. She's heard about the cage. I was like, you keep hugging him to make him feel bad about the cage. She was whispering like,

never put me in a fucking cage. Got to see his actual garden office. It's even better than it is. Really, yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I've always been quite good with kids though, you know. actual garden officer in your life and it's even better than it is really yeah oh jesus yeah yeah i've always been quite good with kids though you know kids love me no no no no you're not that good with kids that was next level i've seen her like people she was like she was like hadam row it was mental like if kids liked you that much

you'd have to stay away from kids she was like it was too much I was like Etta wind it in she's a big she hates Maisie Adams my four year old daughter cannot stand Maisie Adams she was like do her Adam shout out Maisie Adams

how you doing you alright? my daughter not a big fan Maisie Adam no S actually really pisses it off when people do that well that's why my daughter does it that's why my daughter does it to piss her off

she even does it with her Maisie I've done some prep woah I asked a question round there I feel quite weird doing it but it's

it's because my life is currently temporarily in the bin so just want to let you know two weeks ago you were in here

so I had to prep for that episode as well so two hours of the last three weeks I've done the prep so you are slacking yeah I am

yeah catch me up catch me up bro two thirds of the prep I've done recently you know just saying you used to do used to do prep people who've listened to the old old episodes to share it and we do you did a

section i did the middle section you did the last section yeah when it was just you and me staring each other in a fucking small room in this land as well um i've got some would you rathers i've got a little bit of help that someone needs. And I've got to have a word even in this section. Cool. Because I think, yeah. Because we make the rules. So, would you rather from, we'll start with the one from Marcus.

Would you rather have to live in a country that doesn't speak English forever and you're not allowed to learn their language, but you can take your family and friends who do speak english with you or all of your family and friends language over the air becomes vietnamese and they can never learn english and you can't learn vietnamese so you stay where you are we're still friends but me carl finn stay we're all speaking vietnamese now so is laura etta jack when he can get the hang of it. So you're just English. The pod's fucked. It would be fucking massive in Vietnam. I don't think it would, because I can't expect, you'd have to get rid of me.

I'd either have to get an English-speaking pod host, or you'd have to get a Vietnamese co-host. Yeah. And they're fucking ten a penny. Sick of, I mean, it's just like, not another Vietnamese comedian in Runcourt. So the options are, I have to go abroad let's say it's Vietnam he hasn't said that

but you've got to go to Vietnam never learn Vietnamese but you and your family are all living there forever and we've got to go with you for some reason and we can all speak English so you can have a conversation

with us or this doesn't sound too bad what? it doesn't sound too bad just wave into the delivery orphan as he goes by from China

have a good time like he should post I nearly did the voice I got a football top so what are you going for so I get to live here and live my life

but all my loved ones are like everyone you are remotely close to now speaks fluent vietnamese and not a word of english and they can never learn english what's what's hello in vietnamese because i'm about to do i'm about to do i think we all know that what is it it's a your it The fuck was that? That was Chinese. Vietnamese donkey. Because I'm about to do a Vietnamese sound that is... Oh, chin chow. Chin chow.

Why is it all... When we... When these things come up, why is it always so close to a racial slur? Like, when we talk about Judy, it's like, where's she from? Jews. She's from Chongqing.

It's either gin chow or chin cho. It's X-I-N. Jin Chao. Jin Chao. So every morning I come down in Sogol. Like a boring village in Cheshire where I live and my whole family are now Jin Chao. Yeah.

Oh, okay. It's hard work, isn't it? Ciao, mong ban, ko mo chu. Welcome to have a word. Get out, okay. That's hard work, isn't it? Chow mung ban ko mo tsu. Welcome to Havre. Get off the bath. Is that? Get off the bath.

There's accents in there that I haven't done. Yeah. I think it's to and mit and cho and mung. Which one?

What's the one at the end there, Cough? Mung. You sound like a mung. No, I don't want that.

Chin chow. Dropping Etta off at school. We're going to do parents evening tonight. We do have an issue though.

Etta started speaking what we think is Vietnamese all the time and it's really affecting the cast. That sounds

like it's gross. So hello, my name is Dan. Chin chow. Toy Ten La Dan. It definitely does. I thought you were saying it was the last ten of your mates.

I like ten las. I'm Dan. Chin Chow Toy Ten La Dan. What was the do in the middle? It's doy. Doy. Oh, sorry. Got it wrong.

Chin Chow Toy Ten La Dan. You can speak really good Vietnamese when you've got Google up. Carl is actually fluent in Vietnamese, apparently, as long as he's looking at Google. What was that? There was actually tôi and not thà. I used to have two girls on MSN years ago.

I used to tell them I had to speak different languages and just Google them all and they'd never get onto it. Winner. You had some thick girlfriends when you were growing up. Thick girlfriends. Oh, Laura's gone Is Laura Da Bien Mat Laura Da Bien Mat Nice

Yeah but she'd still be there That's the problem No Can't do it This is another tone I heard Nottingham accent Heard Nottingham accent Sometimes gets on my tits

Like you alright doc I'm like fuck you now So you're gonna live in Vietnam Would she have an East Midlands accent While speaking Vietnamese Vietnamese is a tonal language In Asia

Shove your tonal languages Up your fucking pipes No No, can't do it My wife's voice is already a bit too much sometimes I'm not having it in Vietnamese So you're going to Vietnam I'm going to Vietnam You're going to Vietnam. I'm going to Vietnam.

You're going to Vietnam with your family and you're just going to talk to them and what are you going to do in restaurants? Wing it. Point. Swings. That's what I did for 18 months. I have wings.

She has wings. Do you know what? That doesn't, that just sounds like a perma holiday. It's that easy. Plus the fucking Patreon money. It's going to go all right in Vietnam, isn't it it's worth more yeah yeah yeah we just we'd have to do the podcast from like it's time for have a word dancing vietnam he's not allowed to come back because we did it

would you rather yeah i'm going vietnam thank you taking my friends and family laura speaks vietnamese so does his nan nailed it she's dead She's dead. Yeah, but she still does. In heaven. So when my dead nan speaks to me from heaven, she goes Dun-dun! Nope, that's not my idea of heaven. Thank fuck I'm an atheist.

You probably just bought your Vietnamese language from someone for 10 minutes no that can be nailed we googled it what else what else could we do can't be expected to do anything um okay this one's from Anthony would you rather have to replace a UFC fighter in a title fight due to injury or replace NWA on stage on their reunion tour oh what a great question that is you have to sing every lyric and i thought you meant do my set no no no no you you have to sing every lyric you every lyric of nwa catalog and you can't just tap out of the fight you have to try and win as if your life depends on it. So you can't walk in, like, give up your back and just go, oh, I'll tap because I'm in a chokehold.

You'd have to be choked out. So you... There's no quitting. That's a good question. The thing is, though, what the first one might result in? Death. Oh, I saw one of the worst knockouts. Is it Jorge Masvidal

on Ben Askren when he just sort of knees him in the head he just runs and Ben Askren goes I'll tell you what I'll do I'll take him down and just leans into

a flying knee it's the fastest I've ever knocked and Ben Askren goes he's unconscious like in a way where you're like you might retire

from the sport he's just he did really he went and fought YouTubers and lost them as well oh is he done yeah yeah his next fight in a way where you're like, you might retire from the sport. He did really, didn't he? He went and fought YouTubers and lost them as well. Oh, is he done? Yeah, yeah. His next fight was against Jake Paul and he lost.

He had a new hip after that. Oh, wow. He kicked him so hard in the head that he broke his throat. Now he speaks in a Vietnamese accent. Masvidal hates Askren as well. Yeah, you know how I knew that? It's because Masvidal runs quite fast as well yeah you know how I knew that it's because Masvidal like runs

quite fast knees him in the head the guy is clearly close to death he's on the floor like this and Masvidal goes fuck off fuck off

I'm like I don't think they're pals so he's being asked about those punches right in interviews where they're like don't you think that was a bit much Jorge

and he's gone no I'm a I'm a fighter I fight until the referee tells me I can't anymore if he'd have got up which is you know it's very very unlikely but he could have that and I go on to lose the fight it's because I haven't been ruthless enough it's a ruthless sport and on top of that I hate Ben Askren he said if I bumped into into a shop and if I bumped into him like um what's the the famous like new york supermarket and stuff what's it called target no i mean more like a tesco walmart let's say it's walmart he's

like i'll literally punch his head in in the meat aisle well he says does it be super necessary for the punches extra he's like why do you like you went super necessary yeah yeah i mean i know what this saying but the question is like, oh, that looked a bit mean because he was unconscious. But you're like, well, in the sport, you don't have to decide when someone's knocked out. That's not your job. Yeah, exactly.

What happened back, Kamara Boosman did the same thing back to him. And when he was knocked out cold, just punched him in the head repeatedly. Because you have seen fighters, it looks like they're knocked out, get up and fight. And win.

But I don't know like ben asker in that time was just so unconscious yeah he's dead yeah he might have been dead i don't want that i don't want to break my hip getting kicked in the head yeah but you're probably gonna get shot in compton aren't you this is a doctor in the u.s By the way I'm a pretty good rapper Just to clarify this Right So Like the support act's been on One or two support acts

Right You're incompetent Right Can I pick the Ladies and gentlemen Can I pick the support act No no You brush

UK circuit oddball He's so dead as well So like They've had a good support The support act's been like Fucking Bewitched No I want to pick the support

If I'm doing it I want to pick the support act So I can whiten it up before I It's Bewitched No What do they say Maybe they run out of bullets shooting Bewitched Say you will say you won't Say you do what I don't.

Hope you find your way down Compton Avenue, motherfucker. They've had a fucking sick show. Like, some of the biggest hip hop stars ever have come out to support. Like... Harvey wants to make Adam guess who they are. You know, six nines there. Eminem. Nas.

Nas! Nas is open for them. Nas. Back then when he was like four. Nas. Nas is open for them. Nas. Right? Right? And they go, ladies and gentlemen, hope you're ready for NWA tonight. Make some noise if you're ready for NWA.

Everyone goes crazy. It goes, well, due to some personal issues on Dr. Dre's part, he is getting a bum hole transplant tomorrow morning. Hang on, hang on. Listen, I don't mind going out and replacing NWA, but I want to have a word with the intro guy, who is proper.

As I'm stood next to him, I'm like, mate, that's rude. Ladies and gentlemen, so you ready for NWA? They're going to blow your fucking mind. Shut up, Dan. They're going to fucking, well, they're not here and in their place

because Dr. Dre's having a bumhole surgery. In their motherfucking place is 40-year-old Vietnamese speaking. He's small. He's white. He's from Preston, England. His name is Dan Nightingale. He is usual comedian, but he is going to give it a go.

Make some noise. Yeah. Fuck the police. A young. No, no, no. Oh, I've got to drop the N word. Fuck the police A young No Oh I've got to drop the n-word Yeah you've got to leave every lyric You'll be dead after 30 seconds

Take the fight I'd have to learn I don't know I think the only thing that might save you Having to sing every lyric is if you black up Right What were there with my 1990 Barilla

Roma top on? Fuck the police. The irony of that is I'd be dying for them to stop the show. Don't. The police. Fuck the police.

Come round. Save me. Ring the police. Yeah. Somebody call 911. Danny's been shot for being racist. I will take... I'll take...

There's a doctor at the UFC. I'll take the NWA concert. Would you? Because you know why? Because maybe they're like, that was quite funny. Because Jorge Masvidal, I don't think he's going to enjoy it.

Why are you fighting Masvidal? No, you're fighting Francis Ngannou. No, no, no. He's fighting in his weight class. Okay. That's fair enough. Francis Ngannou. Little tap in there.

I would take the UFC fight that easy. Because everyone's got a puncher's chance Do you know This is how This is how This is not Fucking not Everyone who's a

Trained fighter does You haven't Do you know Because you're always Underestimating You just slip it Yeah that is your That is your

Literal argument For everything No they don't Underestimate me They think Oh that's how they're When they start Having a cup of tea

And I fucking Squat them They kick Your fucking head in Genuinely This is how fat I've got Post pandemic all that side of the road and they start having a cup of tea and I'd fucking squat them. They'd kick your fucking head in. Genuinely, this is how fat I've got post-pandemic that I might take

the NWA concert because at least I wouldn't have to get my top off. At least I'd just get shot wearing clothes. In this, everyone has to be like,

fuck me, Dan's fat, innit? And then Jorge Masvidal kicks my hip in. How heavy are you, Dan? Do you know? I'm 95 kilograms. As of yesterday, probably like 83 now.

I don't know. How many stone? Let's be nice. I think I'm about 14 and a half stone. Okay, let's say 14. Thanks. Apparently I've just... 14 stone and kilos.

You're 88 kilos. Cute and huge as well. So 88 kilo, UFC, division, 90 kilos. Oh, it's pounds, isn't it? Sorry, it's pounds, isn't it? Right. I mean, we know what's coming here, Carl. You're going to kick out a weight division,

and then everyone's going to go, fuck, they'd kick your head in. And I'd be like, yeah. Fuck the police coming straight from the underground. No, I want to your head in. And I'd be like, yeah. Fuck the police. Come straight from the underground. No, I want to pick your fight. Got it bad because I'm brown. I think you're light heavyweight, Dan.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like I'm light. John Jones. John Jones. Oh, John Bones Jones. He's moved up. Oh, John Bones. Well, let's hope he gets in a car crash just before he fucking does the fight.

Hang on. You need a hot stick. That's what you're replacing. Yeah. Right. We all know a hospital? It's after you're replacing. Right. We all know, guys, it doesn't matter. Find me a weight class. I'll die.

Do you know what? You can fight Amanda Nunes. You would still die. Is it worse to lose to John Bones Jones or Amanda Nunes? I think it's equal. It is equal, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Super. I'll see you in LA. I'll see you. I think I think it's equal it is equal innit yeah yeah super

I'll see you I'll see you in LA I'll see you thank you I'm not even joking that is I've got I think you'd like

you'd come out of it with respect no matter what do you know what I mean even if you get your head punched and be like do you know what fair play

took that on an hour's notice of staff fight an hour didn't have a full camp no I no I do but they're late in the taxi I do the I do the gig and they'd be like Fair play. Took that on an hour's notice of staff fight. An hour? Didn't have a full camp. No, I do the gig and they'd be like, you better do the fucking songs. And I'd just start doing my Christmas set from two years ago.

Hey, I used to live in Manchester. And they all got the same. Why do you need to use this as a mic? You've got one. I know. I did that thing again. I like that. That's a good question. Take the fight.

Come out with drinking. Come out with the respect of having done the fight. And the brain damage. Yeah, and the brain damage. No. I'll do your Victoria's Secret bit. At the UFC. Fuck off, Bruce.

Get that knife down. You've got hands like shovels, Amanda. Yeah. That was a good one. You were out there. Very good. Right. We'll do the question first,

then we'll do the little halfway to round off this section. So this is called Limp Fella. This is from Ashley. Hi, guys. I need you to help me with my dick. Really made me laugh that first sentence. It's perfectly fine when I wank or get a schmoke at a pie with a face. But when it comes to schmoke at a pie with a

pussy, it goes soft. It's happened a few times, and I think it's the pressure of having sex. But I aren't a virgin. You are. But I aren't a virgin. You are. So I don't understand any advice. Is he meant to say that? Is that a spelling mistake?

I think he are a virgin. I aren't a virgin. I are a cleaner. We are the three. Have you ever had soft cock? Yeah. Yeah? I've had a... Honestly, in all the runouts, have you ever had soft cock yep yeah I've had

honestly in all the run outs in all the I've had one one major one with that Swedish bird from 20 years ago where she got in my head

she intimidated me pre-fight it was like the it was like the weigh in you know when they get in there she was like are you going to show me what you can do

and my dick went I'm under pressure here I can't perform like this it was really we just had to be like handshake see you later nothing happened She was like, are you going to show me what you can do? And my dick went, I'm under pressure here. I can't perform like this. It was really, we just had to be like, handshake, see you later. Nothing happened, and she was attractive. But I tell you what, my dick isn't up to much, but he's a performer.

He's got some caps. So I'm, you know, one clanger. There wasn't any alcohol. There was no reason for it. I think he just got a little bit intimidated bless him your dick's like Phil Neville innit it's not great but it's one of a lot

play all along the back four it's got some medals but I didn't really earn them and it's ugly as fuck. Do you want to put over who plays better? My dick is like Phil Nibble. He used to manage the England national team. Have you ever had a

soft coffee emergency? Not properly. Go on. So, I took a girl back to me dad's house as a spare room that I lived in.

Had sex on the night. Drunk. Had sex once in the morning. Hungover. And then tried to go for number three and nothing was happening. That's fine.

No, yeah, that's not, that's not, that's on a technicality. You can't punish him for the third non-performance. It was just looking at me like, I'll be honest. I'll have both. My penis now is like, oh my God, he's a giddy little goose.

Every time my wife is anywhere near me, he's like, what's happening, Dan? Oh my God, are you holding her? Oh, my dad's not doing well. Come on, babe. I'll hug you. My dick's like, come on, Dan. She's close.

She must be ready to fart. He's American, my dick. It's going to suit you well in Compton. Just get him out. Get him to do the set. Ain't nothing but a gangster party. What advice would you give Ashley, who did not ask to be anonymous,

so I've said his name? Um... I don't know. Something's going on there, isn't it? If it's... It's obviously psychological, which I think it is a lot of the time with this. But if he can masturbate and...

I think there's something going on there. He might be gay. What? Wankin's fine. Milders are fine. It's precious. Why would you get... Why would you get...

If you're gay and a girl's giving you a blowjob... It could be any mouth. Maybe he's only a shag and bald woman. No, but a... Bald Shirley? if you're gay and a girl's giving you a blowjob could be any mouth maybe he's any shag and bald woman no but bald Shirley getting noshed off by Gail Porter and what quite a niche

what imagining Ross Kemp yeah that could be the stuff that Ross Kemp said I think he should try and bum a man

and see if it stays up why do you ask us for advice, guys? Part of me wants to give the poor lads getting the floppy dick before the old... Is it a girlfriend? I don't think so. Oh, then it's just pressure, isn't it? Yeah, there's a...

It's just pressure. Get a love, get a girlfriend, get someone to understand you. It's nice, isn't it, Carl? Or shag Roskamamp Or fuck Roskamp It's two options Get a loving Meaningful relationship Something that really has substance

Or Fuck Roskamp There you go I think both equally valid Solutions to your problem That was nice Well done boys We've done that well

Shit That's nice I Well done, boys. We've done that well. Chet-do. That's nice. That wasn't even words. Chet-do. That's how I'm going to get away with the end of the leggy. Vietnamese. Right, we've got a little have-a-way idea to close off this section.

This is from Ryan. He says... Do you want me to do... Sure. Go on, what's it from? He says, whoopop whoop lids Now I think that's a mixture Of wag wag and cup cup

And if so Kudos Whoop whoop lids Cup cup's gone Say churros What? What did you just say? Kudos

Churros Churros They're delicious Whoop whoop lids Can you please have a word With my mate Liam And or his dad Bart

Now He's got a dad called Bart First point of Whoop whoop lids. Can you please have a word with my mate Liam and or his dad Bart now? He's got a dad called Bart. First point of thing to talk about. His mum and dad got divorced two years ago. I assume Liam's. Sorry, I've got distracted by Bart. Who's, who's, is the mate? We'll start again.

Yeah. Whoop whoop lids. Can you please have a word with my mate Liam and or his dad Bart? Yeah, because as soon as you say I've got a dad called Bart, it's really funny and hard to concentrate. His mum and dad got divorced two years ago

and his dad was in a bad place. So on one occasion, we told Liam it was all right if his dad come out with the lads for a few jars. However, there hasn't been a single lads night since that his dad hasn't been at. His banter is horrendous like you wouldn't believe and he's always trying

to play wingman even though he turns any flight of flirtation into one a Malaysian airlines pilot would be proud of he's a

Kochblok and unfunny boar crashes crashes for the joke there a lot of people died but it was a good joke I like it he's a Kochblok

and unfunny boar and basically just an old man who needs to fuck off have a word with him or me if you think I'm being harsh. It sounds like he's being harsh, doesn't it? But I don't want to be on that night out. I've said it before, if you're doing the stag do,

the old boy's on the stag do, seems like it's lovely, just think night out with the old boy is all right sometimes, but not every night. Well, you and him, yeah, but not you and your mates with him. That's just a bit fucking weird, isn't it? He's joined the group, hasn't he? Yeah. Yeah.

Imagine if, like, Dixon's dad started coming out on Boxing Day or, like, every day that we, once a year, go out with the lads. No, but if it's just an occasional, hey, my dad and something, you know. Oh, that'll be fine but if it was like he's out again he'd be like

why every night alright guys 50 years of age I'm honestly that's how I feel sometimes when we do a live show

all you lot are out I'm like you alright hey you are part of the group 40L wearing some Adidas trainers

still got it how old could I have got before with this? Like, I'm probably... You're 29, just about to turn 30. And I'm 40. We're at the limit of what that could be. Otherwise, you'd be like, yeah, Dan's like... We're going to do a live show, but Dan needs a nap.

Five years each way. Well, Finn is... You're only twice as twice as twice as old as Finn and that's fine you have a good relationship yes we do

we get on very well not on camera because obviously I don't want to shut up Finn but yeah he's a lovely lad but

when we went down to the live show in London I put a picture on Instagram and everyone was like aww it looks like Dan's got his son for the weekend.

And I was like... Taking him to the thing I like. Come on. It's true. But we've not got the same relationship. He works at the company that I... I'm not trying to sound like a twat. He's my employee.

Yeah. I'm not being a dick, Finn. It's not like we're Bezos. Oh, Finn, now I feel bad go on Finn say your story I'd never be friends with someone who was

Turkish I thought we had something special Dan oh we do we got on really well don't we yeah but it's not the same

like the main thing is that me and Adam get on yeah like that if Adam was 20 and I was 40 don't think that's a podcast

if you and Dan fall out I feel like the podcast might survive I'm not going to fall out we're absolutely fine kid don't worry about it I don't know that's a podcast. If you and Dan fall out, I feel like the podcast might survive. I'm not going to fall out. We're absolutely fine, kid. Don't worry about it. I don't know what he's been saying about you.

He drove me home when I was fucking... What? What? No. What's WhatsApp? What? The under 30s WhatsApp

group that we set up. You'll be out of that soon, mate. I'll just be Finn in his own WhatsApp group do you know what's scatty the over 25s on Wex Factor isn't that mad

what do you mean and you were literally that was old wasn't it over 25s yeah yeah or they're old were they

oh sorry because I never watched it were they like the seniors yeah over 25s so it was it was under 25s over 25s in groups yeah Were they? Oh, sorry, because I never watched it. Were they like the seniors? Yeah. Over 25. So it was under 25s, over 25s in groups. Yeah. Yeah, there are certain things that age you.

Like when you're the same age as the footballers you like watching, that's fine. When you are older than the managers, you're just like, oh my God, I'm so old. Managers are grown-ups. And I know there's been younger and younger managers, you're just like oh my god I'm so old managers are grown ups and I know there's been younger

and younger managers but fuck me that's a weird feeling when you're significantly older than some of the managers at Premier League football team who would you like to

manage if you could who would you manage just before we go into that properly I want to say this I thought no no it's on the same thing there's a pin

I thought recently because obviously I realised the same thing there's a pin i am i thought recently because obviously i i realized i haven't really got a hobby right got this which is great fun but it's where i've got stand-up which i adore the prep i think you should make that your hobby you're good at it yeah but it's still where i've enjoyed not doing it and sat here just thinking of bullshit it's great it's bossing it it's brilliant can't wait for next week so I'm thinking of starting to

manage a Sunday league team look I don't want to play in it what time are you getting out of bed what time are you getting out of bed whatever it takes whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to be champion.

I think, just from the reaction of my daughter to you when you're on the doorstep, you should be doing kids football. No, no, no. Because those kids would run through a fucking wall for you. Yeah, but if I can get men to do that. We could get into, like, the conference south or something. North. Adam just forgot which bit of the country

lads we're going to do it differently I know we're in Runcorn but what we want to get into is the conference south we can mess with them they'll underestimate you they'll be like they're in the wrong division and that's when we'll win 10-0 because they won't have turned up

because they're in a different region they're just banking on, like, fuel prices coming down. Lads, we're going south. What are your tactics? We just think we could call it Hathaway FC.

Right. Good branding for the pod. I have the Hathaway logo in the middle of the sheath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'll coach them. You'll coach them.

Yeah. Finn will be coaching them week two. No. Steve, week three. Finn's in goal. Finn can be the goalie Carl be a really good like Centre forward

Wherever he wants to play Yeah You can do the kit Fuck you Do the kit You like kits Clean the kit Fuck you

Fuck you So fucking hard Finn can be the goalkeeper Carl can be the striker Whatever he wants You can clean the toilet I get the fucking Mexicans in for that Kevin can be the goalkeeper. Karl can be the striker, whatever he wants. You can clean the toilet. I'll get the fucking Mexicans in for that.

Yeah, I think like, I've started to sort of study football a lot more. Shut. As well as just enjoying the games. And I think, I think like the Sunday leagues are there tactically for the taking. If you actually get a team, like if you work on a high press, I think you'd fucking win most games like 7-0. It's a Sunday league team, theyically for the taking. If you actually get a team, like if you work on a high press,

I think you'd fucking win most games like 7-0. It's a Sunday league team. They're all hungover. They can't do fucking... And they won't be playing. High press. I'm going to have them sign contracts. I'm going to run it like Coach Carter did.

Yeah. Yeah, here's your contract. I'll pay them. Out of the pub money. We're all going to be on a wage. Right. We're making a semi-professional

football team yeah right where are we starting next season what league are we starting in whatever league

they'll have us where is it here on the heath I think we do it in Liverpool more connections we're moving the pod

to Liverpool next year hopefully so you know championship league one that's the goal right long term yeah yeah yeah yeah year hopefully so you know championship league one that's the goal right long term

yeah yeah yeah get Jimmy Carter playing I think I could do well as a coach

you think you could do well at everything but you think you could do well at everything that's not very true I've got

cleaners for a reason all right lads Sunday league game. Have a vodka. It works for cleaners, it'll work for you. I'll bring an ethos of disciplined

fun. You're so dumb with this. I fully support you yeah Dan wants a better you will miss the registration for the league by six weeks

disciplined fun did you get that email over fuck's sake next year lads next year we'll be in the conference south next year

if anyone wants to come to trials I'll post it on Patreon first soon and then we'll post it publicly after that. But yeah, we're going to have Trials. Let me know what you want to wear because I'm doing kicks.

And they're going to be from China! Sponsored by Orphan Delivery. We'll just whack a have a word over the various shit. You are going to see me in a lot more of these I've got loads coming

oh yeah that's my thing Daniel wearing classic kits is my thing right well can I do your thing as well yeah thank you

shall we have a break and then get Jimmy Carter yes you know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally. But Manscaped have dropped a new ad.

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Shave everything. Carl, can you shave pets? Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? So, Jimmy, first impressions of Runcorn and the studio?

I mean, when this place is finished, guys, it's going to be incredible. It's, yeah, it's got a real sort of frat house feel to it. I feel like we should be reviewing pornography. We often do. We're happy for. Right. Okay.

Great news. Well, I mean, I feel good about myself. I feel like I'm better than this. And that's a good marker. It's nice for you to have me here, I guess, is the best we could say. You are the first Comic-Con where it feels like, do you know what?

We're doing well here. Yeah, most colleagues come on and go, bloody hell, guys, you've bought your own couch. And you're questioning life decisions that got you here. Yeah. No, listen, I was up in Manchester. It questioning life decisions that got you here. Yeah. No, listen, I was up in Manchester. It's actually a pleasure to be here. It's very nice to see you.

So what's going on? What do we normally do on this podcast? I mean, obviously, I've not listened to it. I think that much is very clear. Talk me through it. What's the premise of this podcast? So the MO of this podcast from day one was, let's try and be the funniest podcast.

So if I can make Dan Nightingale laugh and he can make me laugh, two comics, miserable comics. Right. And people at home be pissing themselves laughing. Right, that's the premise, is it? Yeah. Well, I'll let you know how you do. The MO sounds great in your accent as well.

A little bit of Latin there. A little bit of Latin. The modus operandi. The modus operandi of this podcast. I'm not Welsh. That's how you sound to me. It started well. Yeah.

It started well and then tailed off horribly. It's hard to compete with Scouse accents on this podcast because most of us have got one and then he's got the best Scouse accent in the non-Scouse game. It's taken me ages to get that. I can only do it on certain phrases. I can do,

I want some chicken and a can of coke, you dick. I can do that. I can do, the dick bit was good. You dick. It seems that that's the difference between Manchester and Liverpool, essentially. In Manchester, it's knob.

Yeah, you fucking knob. Dickhead. Yeah, you go dick, they go knob. What you got? Huh? What's yours? Vagina. If I had to describe my vagina, I'd say it's an outie.

Yeah, it's different down south. We're very polite to each other. No, it's nice. So where are we? Runcorn. It sounds made up. It does. It sounds like something from the Rutles.

It's Liverpool's arsehole. Yeah, if Britain needed an enemaema this is where it goes in yeah is it kind of woolly back country i used to play yeah that's exactly where you are there used to be a venue around here years ago that i used to play i remember brindley was it the brindley theater i don't know i'm just trying to think of the name of the town even, but it was real. They were Woollybacks. I remember that. I had no idea what the derivation was, but if you said Woollyback on stage,

they were very happy. Everyone from Runcorn tells people who aren't from Liverpool that they're from Liverpool. So if you're from Runcorn and you go on holiday, I'm a Scouser. Until they meet a Scouser, no question. I suppose it's that thing though, where it's just like, it's not enough.

Like if I go to America and someone goes, you're, you know, where are you from? London. It's like anyone from Edinburgh to Cardiff goes, yeah, near enough. I guess. I guess you go, well done. Where are you actually from? I'm from sort of Slough.

Irish immigrant parents from, and then I was kind of born in West London. But I would have been like a plastic paddy but i obviously i don't really read like that so i think people kind of assume i'm a public school boy because i'm quite well spoken but i mean compared to you lads who fucking isn't but it's yeah i read as like a public school but i went to the local kind of the local school in in slough you went to the local private school the local the local private school well no went to the local private school. The local, the local private school. Well, no,

the local private school would have been eaten. I went to Burnham Grammar, which is on the, the biggest state in Slough. So what happened with Slough, you know, passingly interesting is they cleared the slums of London. When they cleared the slums,

they didn't just kill those poor people. They moved them to Slough. They should have killed them. I think Runcorn is basically a Northern Slough then. There's a similar vibe. What? Cause did they clear the slums? I think, I think that's the basically a northern Slough then. It's a similar vibe. What, because did they clear the Slums? I think that's the, there was a massive like migration

from Liverpool to Runcorn. Yeah, and it was like the, okay, you're all going to have a house and a garden and. But we don't have Eton just round here. There's no, there isn't the equivalent. Because near Slough, there's Eton. Round here. Yeah, Eton Rifles, the great jam song

about the fight down there. Yeah, it's cheek by jowl with that sort of stuff. There's Eton. Yeah, there is. Eton Rifles, the great jam song about the fight down there. Yeah, it's cheek by jowl with that sort of stuff. There's lots of posh stuff around there. But it's reasonably rough. But I suppose it was never that rough. I grew up sort of there in the 80s. And even though it was kind of a rough time for Britain, I think it was kind of full employment there.

Because it's got a massive industrial estate. So everyone I knew, all their dads worked on the industrial estate. So I grew up sort of in the shadow of the Mars factory. Yeah. Quite a nice way to grow up. I've been to Sloan. It all feels like an estate. Everything,

everything smells like chocolate because it's like you're, you're kind of being gassed by Mars. It's all right. See, right next to this is a massive like power plant. Yeah. So whatever you can smell down the air is toxic. Shite.

Killing you. Right. I know there is a really worrying like siren that goes off occasionally, which we don't, we've still, it's like all the locals go, Jesus Christ, the siren.

So we just breathe that in. Yeah. Welcome. Thanks for coming. I'm not sure I should be here. I guess, I guess we're doing this. So we just breathe that in. Yeah. Welcome. Thanks for showing up. I'm not sure I should be here. I guess we're doing this. Jimmy's going to be looking for a new agent on Monday morning.

I mean, listen, I view this as charitable. So what else goes on on the podcast? What else are we talking about? We talk about our lives, our girlfriends, our wives, our childhood. You've got a girlfriend? Yeah. Wow. She's lovely as well. Really?

Yeah. And what is it? Is it low self-esteem on her part? Other men have treated her like shit, and now she's made a visual compromise. Right. Yeah. No, I could see that. Okay.

That story checks out. That's how it works for nearly every comedian, though, eh? She's looked at me like she's buying a house at auction. She's going to do me up, and then in a few years, I'll be a bargain. Right. And then you'll move on. Yeah. And you'll move on to someone else.

Oh, no, I hit glass ceiling. What does she do? She is the admin for a building firm. No, no, I meant sexually, where does she draw the line? No, no, sorry. I meant what she do. Vagina. The admin for a...

A building firm. I don't know how. I mean what you do. Vagina. The admin for a... A building firm. I don't know how. I'm so out of touch with regular jobs now. When I chat to people in the audience, I just sort of, I'm full of awe that anyone could turn up and do that. Yeah, so me and Carl were talking about this recently. Like, as soon as you start getting paid as a comic

and you do the odd TV thing or a big show, or even if you're just a club, sick, a comic, when you hear what your mates from school are on on like hourly wages it just you can't get your head right like I could never ever ever I think I'd have to kill myself if comedy stopped existing it's a weird one with I don't know whether I can relate fully but like when you become a success in comedy I think it's much earlier than people think I think people think you're a success when you're on telly or something, when you're playing arenas or whatever, whatever,

whatever their perception is of like, oh, that's showbiz success. But actually as a comic, from my point of view, it was like, I remember playing the comedy store on a Saturday and doing the early and the late show and doing the banana cabaret in between and getting paid in cash. And I went, I mean, I've absolutely made in the shade. I'm literally living off my wits it's enough for me yeah i'm getting a hotel paid for me and i was like hey that felt like making it just getting a paid gig and also having them of course we're gonna put you i hadn't assumed

you'd made it yet i was just telling you what it's like your version of making it that i've got there there's degrees it is interesting that thing of like it's quite early version of making it that i've got there there's degrees it is interesting that thing of like it's quite early on because you sort of go well i'm sore doing what i want to do anyway so anything in the way of financial gain sort of comes into it and then you go it's that that faustian pact that our you know lots of our friends have made of like going we get to live to work yeah and they work to live yeah it strikes me that there's quite a lot of jobs that quite analogous with comedy where you go actually if they didn't pay you you would do this anyway yeah like that you know people that get to be footballers obviously it's it's something

where they live to work but i think that's like that should be that's the reason i kind of wrote i wrote a book recently and kind of half of it's about that about like how do you find that thing that's your thing it doesn't have to be comedy doesn't have to be show business or sports but everyone's got something that kind of makes their heart sing and is you want work to be more fun than fun yeah yeah i remember the i used to work in a bar in liverpool and a couple of years after i left and i've been doing stand-up full-time for maybe like a year 18 months and they asked me to go back and sort of run a show there and a lot of the lads who i worked with at the time still worked on the bar and they would have to show and watch that

whatever and then i got paid in cash afterwards i think i got like 250 quid i mean make one was like just just so i know how much you get for tonight and i was like oh 250 quid and he was like you used to have to work on that bar for 30 hours to get what you've just got for having fun. Yeah, and then the other layer of that is, like Jimmy said, you would have done the gig for free because comedy is a load of fun and it's basically what we enjoy doing.

If you can then get paid and get put up, it's a bonus, isn't it? I mean, money's kind of a weird, it's a weird thing. People spend an awful lot of time putting in the hours to make money. Let's put those keys thing. People spend an awful lot of time putting in the hours to make money.

Let's put those keys somewhere safe. They spend a lot of time trying to make money to buy things to impress people they don't give a fuck about. It's like that's the whole of our Western economy is based on that. And money is like, there's a great quote by Lord Byron, who had the good sense to be born rich, that money is a magic lamp. You have to know what to wish for.

Sort of who gives a fuck about money. It's like, what do you want to do with it? I had a friend called Alonzo Bowden. You know Alonzo Bowden? He's a great American comic. Really, like, always got new shit. Every time I see him, he's got 40 minutes of new shit. It's great.

I've heard him mentioned on the American podcast. He's great. He's always around, yeah. His line was like, what do you want to do that you can't do because of money? It's like people spend their lives kind of chasing it. line was like, what do you want to do that you can't do because of money? It's like people spend their lives kind of chasing it

and you go, what do you want to do? Do you know what I want? What do you want to be? I want stuff. Stuff? I want all the stuff. Do you?

Yeah. Okay. I want a bigger telly, a nicer car, more trainees. I was wondering if you could be more Scouse, but it seems,

it seems, I'm trying to make a profound point about the consumerism. I want a bigger telly. I want a bigger telly. And it still makes Sam work at a fucking builders doing the like business. It is a weird thing though, isn't it?

The analogy of the bigger telly is a really good one. I think because you go, yeah, I want a bigger telly. You go, man, what do you want to watch on it? What are you going to,

what are you going to see? Cause that's the, the important thing is what you're going to see on it. I want to be playing FIFA and to feel like I'm on the second row at Anfield. Right. Like watching a full-size man play FIFA. But playing FIFA? Yeah.

You want to play a game? Yeah. Why? I really like it. That's a good question. I think you and Jimmy have different dreams. It's just a diversion, isn't it? It's like it's something to do while you're waiting for something real to happen.

No, it's something to do when she's gone to bed and I'm bored. That's what the pornography's for. Yeah, but there's only so many times before your dick just gets sad. Right. Sure, sure. I never go into video games but i like i played them a couple of times i remember going around to a friend's house and playing call of duty with my mate and just thinking this is so good i'm never gonna play it again because i just thought i want

to write a new edinburgh show and i want to do this thing that i you know found this comedy thing yeah and this feels like it's been designed like the matrix to waste my fucking time. Oh, 100%. It's like the idea, the dopamine, the idea that you could just go, I could just play this game and it's so good. And I will get the sense of achievement in finishing this game.

But really, the fuck am I doing? And when was that? That was, because they've evolved beyond that as well now. So there'll be even better. Yeah, I mean, I'm sure. I think this was like Call of Duty, the first one. The first first call i think it came out around the time of world war one right for any younger listeners i mean it was really you actually actually be in the trenches to play it yes we used to have like an immersive version where people would would join up that's how we're

gonna have to explain it in the future i don't think there's anything wrong with it you know like obviously the priority is what you do but then if you make a little bit of money around it we've just had we've got a friend of ours who just bought a lamborghini and i've heard it commented what the fuck are you buying a lamborghini why not go for it well here's you've made the money doing something you love the okay you've banked it well i'll stop you at the why not and i'll tell you why not because it's what does he want like the most important question in life i I think, the absolute fundamental in any given situation is what do you want?

And I bet you, dollars to donuts, that guy wants excitement in his life. Yeah. And he wants status. But he doesn't want a fucking Ferrari, you know, or a Lamborghini,

whatever the sports car is. The thing, the signifier is not the signified. So the guy's gone, right, I need it. I mean, I've got a lot of dumb shit,

by the way. I'm someone, I fucking it. I mean, I've got a lot of dumb shit, by the way. I'm someone, I fucking roll deep. I've got all of that shit. At least I know that that shit is like, it's fairly meaningless because it's not the excitement that you want. I remember having a sports car when I used to work for an oil company

and it mattered then because I didn't have any excitement in my life. And then you become a comic and you go, no, no, I'm on the fucking adventure. I don't need the shit now because life is the shit yeah but what what's what's the thing you've got what's the biggest thing you've got that is meaningless but you just wanted it like that guy army paul's just bought a lamborghini a bright orange one like you know a lunatic yeah i've got a uh i got a nice db6 from the late 60s that's a nice piece. Yeah. Yeah, but that's beautiful, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, it's a very beautiful car, but I mean, it's fucking pointless. I mean, it comes with an AA truck. I've never taken out. I occasionally will take it to a gig and you just go, I'll phone my missus and she'll just go, where are you?

I'll go, yeah, I'm on the hard shoulder, love. It's not. I didn't like it. It was too moist a day. Like, it just doesn't like being driven you're gonna drive like a hot air balloon you've got to have all the conditions yeah i now watch old movies and i i you know you see like james bond get in the car and drive off and you go no way bullshit no no ways that started first time you'd be getting blow fell to go yeah have

you got any jump leads because the thing is this isn't going anywhere that's gonna be your thing isn't it once that once you've sort of you finish your mortgage and obviously this is growing out unbelievably mortgages oh fuck you i rent my house no i just think it's adorable um do you know what happened yeah do you know what happened my porch broke yesterday. I don't know whether you knew porches could break. Not Porsche. Porsche. Yeah.

The front porch, the ceiling caved in because it rained a bit. That's where I live. The back door currently doesn't open because I'm waiting for the landlord to buy a new back door because it's broke. So every time I want to take a bin out, I have to do a lap of the estate yeah and i buy a state i feel like i'm on a bus i'm overhearing a conversation on a bus i've really i've worked really hard to avoid this conversation that's what we booked you for getting to chester later so what what dumb shit would you okay so dumb shit we would buy right stuff what would you buy what's the thing i do want a porsche i'd like a porsche i got i got a really nice porsche i got a nice uh i got a 96 port are you into cars

a 911 yeah it's a 911 but it's like it's the it's the targa and it's the it's the last of the g5 gearbox when it was still air cooled i think it's the last one you could drive i think after that they drive you right and and can you drive it like the db6 is a beautiful but doesn't work well does the porsche actually well i mean the db6 you can drive i mean all joking aside it's it's uh it's magnificent it sounds fantastic but yeah yeah you could drive it yeah i mean so i want i want something where because i'm not a particularly good driver i want something everyone goes oh that's nice and i feel. And it's got a little bit of, but if I put it in a tree, I'm not weeping.

I'm like, oh, that's annoying. I can't spend, oh, the Marie, like that Lamborghini. I don't know what that orange Lamborghini, I'm guessing that's about 150 grand. Oh, come on. I can't do that. I can't do that.

That's too, I'd be shitting it. Not comfy either. Have you ever driven those cars? They're like, they're not, it's not good for your lumber. I did one on like a race day. You got your little paddock. I got to do two laps in Derby of a racetrack.

I got given like an experience gift for me for Christmas off an ex-girlfriend. And I got to drive a Lamborghini. Off an ex-girlfriend? Yeah. Was she your girlfriend at the time? Yeah. Oh, that makes more sense. She wasn't going, I'll tell you how shit a driver he is.

I'm going to get in two laps of this thing, he'll fucking kill himself. Good. Never accept experience days from your exes. Parachuting. Enjoy that one, Clint. When you worked for the old company. Yes. You, did you start comedy in and around like,

the early 30s, about 30? No, I was about 25, 26. Okay. Because I was a sound tech at the Hyena in Newcastle when you came up to do a weekend 20 years ago

about 2001 start of 2002 so would that have been with Brendan Burns that kind of era Dave Johns Dave Johns was comparing yeah

and he did a now how do I do this now I know Dave so we can do this properly but he when he compared if he was in a mood he could be quite a selfish compare and do a fucking chunk and you i think were closing right and there was a little uh sort of dressing room next to the stage and it was when you were you you were using a clipboard. It was part of like the, and I think he did about half an hour before he brought you on to close.

And my memory of that weekend is you leaning out of the dressing room, just going, the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? Because Dave, I think Dave Johns has got it in his head that you were like doing quite well

and you're like on the way up. So he was going to prove to everyone. He was fucking right. When was the last time you played the hyena? Try and fucking slow me down. He was doing God's work. Was that when you were just, you don't- He's a good guy.

He used to get on very well with Dave and- The first time we met was at a gig for Dave. Him and Mickey Hutton used to be sort of really good kind of Newcastle guys. I knew Ross from way back, kind of my first sort of Edinburgh. Ross was very good to me, Ross Noble. And yeah, they were good guys.

When was your first Edinburgh? About 90... It would have been 99 I would have gone up there to have a look around. And then 2000 would have been my... I went up there with Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant and Robin Ince. We did like a four-hander at the... It was a pretty good show. Called Rubbernecker. then 2000 would have been my i went up there with ricky gervais steve merchant and robin ince we

did like a four-hander at the uh it was a pretty good show i called rubber necker and then i went up the next year and did a solo show and uh called barefaced ambition next show i would have been 2002 got nominated for the perrier i went up but i did maybe 10 years in a row new show every year and then kind of started touring it it became a little bit, I don't know, there was like, the vibe I got was like, it's not for you anymore. It's like, okay, you've had your go in the sun, you're touring now, you know, leave it for someone else.

So that's what you did with The Fringe. On the way up, you used it and then just... I think so, yeah, because I think actually, you know, friends that have gone back and played very big rooms during The Fringe. You kind of go, well, yeah, you can do that. And you take a few quid off the table. But actually, it's not really about that.

Although I do think there's an argument of having really big comics at the Edinburgh Fringe. Because it draws them. Because you're the marijuana. You're the gateway drug. You're the thing that leads them into. Because you can't expect people to take a chance on four new comics they've never seen before. So you go, well, there's one person that they know guaranteed, right? I've seen him on telly, I love him, I'll go and see him,

and then I'll go and see her and her and him because I've seen them on something, and then I'll take a chance on three new ones. It's also why the American comedy club circuit sort of works in a different way as well because they have a headliner, don't they, who is on a lot more than the rest of the bill and the rest of the bill of support acts on the way up well comedy clubs across america on the road and stuff are

often packed because there's a guy who's been on all sorts and he's certainly a can sell a few hundred tickets a weekend whereas over here the club circuits you know i think people i think in the states my experience is like people are on the club circuit for a lot longer yeah properly huge comics still play the clubs and you know and make great money and get paid and they're on a cut of the door and whatever and it's because you know the system over there doesn't they don't have the same theater circuit that we have so we've got art centers in every town which are fantastic every different size and then yeah but so we've got like the the three four hundred five hundred seat at art centers and then we go up to sort of the 9,000 to 1,200-seater theatres

in every town in Great Britain. So we've got kind of a circuit above the circuit. Yeah. That you can kind of, you know, if you can get to that, it's, you know, it's really great. And then you're kind of, you're doing your own thing. You sort of set your own schedule and you're off to the races. You know, you mentioned before that like if I had money,

I'd still make Sam work. She actually brought that up yesterday. So I announced my tour last week to do like around the UK, the races you know you mentioned before that like if i had money i'd still make sam where she actually brought that up yesterday so i announced my tour last week to do like around the uk sort of the 400 seats of venues you're talking about slightly bigger than liverpool and it's just sold quite well because of this initially and she yes this yeah wow we're massive jimmy this is massive this is the number one podcast in the country. Is it? Yeah. It doesn't feel like it's anything. It doesn't, does it? No.

But it is. That's what we want. We've got the number one Patreon on the planet in the UK. On the planet in the UK, sure. This is the number one podcast in run course. We've been that since day one, actually. Yeah, we had a really good first day there. Next Door's doing great.

So the tour sold out. So are you going to do bigger venues? Are you going to do another one off the back? I don't know yet because, so this is my fourth tour. The first three I did were sort of 100 to 200 seat venues, all sort of on the week of it, might sell out, always get about 60, 70% in. And it was just, I was putting them on to try and get used to that sort of thing this one has just gone like it went on sale on friday

and it's like 70 sold or something immediately when are you going on the road when you're ready until may february until may yeah these fucking lazy kids just if you put a tour in put a proper fucking tour in well i will when i host eight out of ten cats no i like from the from the jump i was doing like you know 200 gig i mean always like the for the first couple years it was 300 a year was kind of a thing and then i went down to i'm now like 200 gigs a year something like that but i like the idea of like if you're a comic and you're working just work oh yeah if it's sold out if it's 70 now all we do is add dates so all my all my office 90 you go right just put in another one put in another one i never want like i i ticket touts

i presume hate me yeah i never met one but i presume they do because as soon as it sells out i just go i'm not gonna up the prices i'm just gonna put are you not a believer in the bigger rooms is there is there is there a limit of what you'll do there's a limit to what i can do and it works i think the medium is the message right i think there's that thing where you go right in a 3 000 seater if someone has a fight the back of the room i know what's going on like if they shout out something i can tell if it's a sometimes with a rock venue even 3 000 is too much so ideally for me 1500 to 2000 is like perfect i'm very happy to play you know smaller rooms uh you know thousand seaters or whatever because it's like they're there you know you can see everyone in the room it feels like a proper experience i don't mind doing the hard work i think doing an arena feels

like you're whispering into the abyss it doesn't suit the medium of comedy it doesn't feel like a conversation to me it feels more like uh you're presenting something and it's not like rock and roll. Rock and roll is very much like it's charismatic. It's, it's, it's you come to me and comedy is much more charming. It's I come to you. It's,

it's, it's some of those arenas don't suit rock and roll. If you're in the back of a venue, even the went to see the Kings of Leon, I've said it before. And here it was, you were just, you were watching people watch the back of a venue, even the, went to see the Kings of Leon, I've said it before in here, it was, you were just, you were watching people watch the Kings of Leon.

Yeah. It's like, I can only imagine what it would have been like to sit there for a comedian. Yeah, it's a, it's not a great, so I think that thing of like doing,

actually, I mean, does it get any better? What's the, what's the dream number? And sometimes those smaller rooms can be really special, you know, with the low ceiling and it just feels,

I mean, I think a thousand is pretty pretty because of the theater circuit we've got it feels like that's the that's where you want to get to but then the trick is not to think everything's got to be better and bigger and more bigger isn't necessarily better like it's like it's enough not at all i remember um listening to tom segura on a an episode of one of his things and he said he's doing this essentially an arena tour and three four and five thousand seat places in america he said but when i come to film the special i'm gonna find a 1200 season that i like and do four shows and film them all and that'll be where i film that because they're the best that's when the show is at its best i can do an arena because i can't turn up to whatever city picks and just sell 1200 tickets because there's 30 000 people who want to see me and i can't do 30 dates in one place so i do three

nights at the arena at 10 000 seats there but when i'm getting ready to film it and put it out and immortalize it i pick a 1200 season that i love, I think it's like that thing of like going, how do you want your days to be? You know that thing of like, okay, so we've got very lucky lives. We're all, you know, we're doing what we really enjoy, which is comedy.

How do you want your days to be? And I want my days to be, well, I play a room that I really like playing and I feel like I'm in control of it. And I feel like when I've played those bigger rooms, when I've done things at, you know, arenas, I kind of felt a bit out of control. I felt like the analogy I draw is on your toes and on your heels so for the first couple of

minutes of every gig I feel like I'm on my toes I'm really working it I'm like okay I've got to get this audience I'll tend to open up with like 21 liners 20 really quite sharp you know quick quite staccato and then when you sort of there's a there's a moment at which you feel like okay they've come to see me they're enjoying this they're laughing the sound's good the lighting's right okay and you're kind of back on your heels a little bit and you can kind of rest and relax into the gig some nights you never get it some nights you never get someone heckles at the wrong time and you're you're constantly sort of on it and that can be great but it's exhausting and then some nights you really you feel like all right i've got them this is great it's like really relaxed and i feel like in those bigger rooms you never get to that it's exhausting. And then some nights you really, you feel like, oh right, I've got them. This is great. It's like really relaxed.

And I feel like in those bigger rooms, you never get to that. It's just constantly, it's the, it's an anxiety. Maybe that's, maybe some comics find easy. I don't know.

Can I ask you, you know, when you're putting your new hours together, so we've spoke about this quite a bit and like you mentioned before, sort of like, you know, I should have more data

if it's selling out already, which absolutely will happen. On top of that though, what I went to say before, I will never, ever not do the clubs. I like how sharp a comedy club keeps you, going on on a Saturday night in front of people who don't really know who you are at all,

and you've got to win them over and stuff like that. I love doing that. When you're putting your new hour together, do you go back to comedy clubs, or do you start in small art centres? No, I do like art centres. It would be like maybe, the first couple I do, like in small art centres? No, I do like art centres. I do like, it would be like maybe the first couple I do like in a maybe 150 seat venue, maybe in Soho,

somewhere like that. Yeah. And sell the tickets cheap and just do, but if I'm trying new stuff, I tend to write quite a lot. So I'll go, I'll probably try 60 minutes of new stuff. Yeah.

So. Are you notepad? Have you got it written out? Notepad written out long form. And I'll just go through the ideas. And you go, if it works in that with kind of zero delivery, you know you're on to something. Do you sell to your fans or are you just sort of-

To my fans. It would be to people that are predisposed. Okay. Fans maybe is overstating it, but people that have gone, oh yeah, I'll go and see them do a work in progress. So it'd be messing around with, you know, for an hour. Whereas I feel like a club is like,

okay, it takes, it's an evening's gone and you've gone to the club and maybe you've done 20 minutes of new stuff, but I feel like you're not getting enough. Like I'm, I've got four nights off between now and Christmas. And I'll do previews on three of those.

So I'll do previews for the new one. Cause I'm going to drop the, I'll drop a special at Christmas. And then, so the tour is going to be called the same thing, but it's going to be all new from Jan. It'll be all new stuff. So I've got like 400 new jokes to try.

So I've tried quite a lot of it and it's working. I'm trying to change up my style a little bit as well. I'm trying to keep it a little bit fresh. Sort of 20 years in. And I quite like- You can make it more storytelling, conversational. Well, I mean, longer routines. I mean, storytelling's maybe a stretch for me because it's not my...

I think you've got to lean into your edge, right? Jokes are kind of my love language. And I like the idea of sort of doing gags, but doing longer strings between seven and 12 minute routines. That's where I feel sort of the game is played. So I just want to kind of switch up. It's also just for the devilment of going

and giving yourself a bit of a challenge. Yeah, I like that idea. so for a few years ago i got told by someone you should be the comic you would pay to see that or someone asked me would i pay to see myself and i said no and they were like so what the fuck are you doing then and i was like okay that's a really good i mean it's a very it's a great question i think isn't it yeah like to be like i remember going to see people early on and just thinking this really feels like it delivers in terms of going like the one-liners like you know that thing what is the sense when you're going to see a show you go oh my god I've got to remember that line I've got to remember that my mate would love that or I've got to tell that at work tomorrow I've got

a that thing of like it gives you something to take away I always loved that and I always kind of want there to be a turn of phrase in the show beyond the jokes that people go i'm going to use that the sentence that people are going to tweet out of context to let you know they would have to show yeah that that that bit and those those lovely things of you know i always like it on twitter that that night sort of reading the thing of like oh that thing that only happened tonight it's never going to happen again yeah that would you know the of it, that feels a bit special. Yeah, 100%. And is that why, so you're going away from the joke format.

You're actually actively writing away from that and trying to... We're trying to do stuff that's slightly, you know, larger routines about larger topics. So talking about like fatherhood, I'm writing like, I've got like a 15 minute block about fatherhood. I mean, it's made of one liners. Everything's made of one liners. That's the, the atom, but I'm trying to put it together in a different form so that it feels like there's, it's not unrelated one liner after unrelated one liner. And it's just trying to find a different kind of space on stage.

Crowds, crowds responding to it well, or was there, I've done like three previews of this stuff and it's been, it's been really good. And good and it's you know i think it maybe allows you to push things even further because it's uh it kind of you're coming at things from like three different angles and you're doing making sure that you've got like seven or eight different joke types within a routine yeah so you're you know it's different flavors uh coming at something so it's it's yeah it's fun it's like what i said to you last year over the past few years i became a very opinionated comic and i would sort of in an americanized style i suppose because i watch a lot of american comedy as does dan i would present an idea and then sort of try and convince an audience that my take was

right on it through jokes sort of thing but i got i got to a point i was like i need a story and also a lot of the time on this podcast we're quite silly and just daft and just trying to make each other laugh so I wanted like a silly bit as well and that was like recently I sort of switched it up a bit and I wrote I wrote a story about like trying to go to a doctor and struggling to get an appointment and stuff like that and the routine is a both a story and b bollocks just silly stuff throughout it and that mixed with the stuff i was already doing it's just been working really nicely and i think it's nice to sort of i think i'm gonna do something different on this think about where we're from

right where you know everyone's standing on the shoulders of giants right we're comics and we're talking like that's always existed we're from a world of variety right variety was really the thing that that built up the clubs and built up the theaters variety shows and even within like my show is me on stage for two hours but even within that you want there to be plenty of variety you want to have like the section where the audience are joining in and i get people to text in whatever now because i found like some people there's a subset of people that are really funny but they don't want to shout out in a theater they just want to text in so there there's a whole half-hour sequence where it's just messing with the audience and chatting to people,

and it's kind of like doing real magic, because it's like just being funny, just off the cuff, in real time, making up, and it could only happen that night. So they text you on stage, or do they text you and you look at them in the break? Yeah, we look at them in the interval. So it's kind of pre-show. You're not reading off.

And we've got another text through from a racist okay no but it's really that's a really fun bit of the show but that idea of like

having variety within the show so you go there should be some really silly jokes and some juvenile stuff and some serious stuff it's the same in a 20 minute set

you know that certain jokes work well when at the start of the set you have something light punchy get to know you then you have like it's the same it's just an extended version of the set, you have something light punchy, get to know you. Then you have in like, it's the same.

It's just an extended version of that. And then you extend that over 20, 25 year career. I'm sure when you go to write a new show, you want to say that like this style or subject matter that you're like, I did that, that you want some contrast. You want some evolution.

When I think about it, when I write a joke, I know exactly what's going to go in this. I know immediately. All right, in this i know immediately all right that'll go at the end that'll be in the that'll be in the end sequence that's got that little pepper in it that's going to be or you go yeah that that'll fit in somewhere that's just a little why the pepper what do you mean with the pepper you mean it's one of those big yeah okay spicy it's one of the daddy jokes i kind of think the uh i don't know where that came from i I really regret saying the one of the Daddy Joe. I think it works.

It absolutely works. I think, you know, your sense of humour is like your taste in food or your sexual preference. I don't think you get to choose your sense of humour. I think it chooses you. And I think some people like it spicy, some people like it kinky, and some people like edgy comedy. And I'm very lucky that I found an audience that like the same kind of comedy as me.

So they come along and they want that stuff. That's like, okay, you're not going to hear that anywhere else. That is, it's, and there's a really interesting balance of like the audience is a genius. The audience tells you what is and what isn't funny.

And it tells you what is and what isn't acceptable every time. And they know organically, like an audience of 50 people in an art center know, oh, okay oh no that's a bit much and and they'll respond in the same way as three and a half thousand people and you lean into that when it's just you it's your show and do you do you have it like a a fourth gear for like a corporate where it has to be not vanilla but you have to take some of the sort of thing i yeah I mean, the vanilla thing, yeah, I guess like for corporates and things now, I'm booked a scene. So if there's a corporate and they go,

actually there's going to be a lot of young children at this, so could you, fuck it, book someone else. But for TV, I think. Jimmy Carr. TVs. You're offensive. That's offensive, Jimmy. TV is interesting because you're a guest in someone's home ultimately like you could say well people choose to watch a out of 10 cats but you go no

they don't some people have some households have just got the tv on it's like background noise the whole time and there's kids there or whatever so you've got a different but that's really a producer's job obviously like the thing with telly for me is like telly's like being it's a team sport like you're in a team and you arrive and you're made head boy on the first day it's a lovely it's a lovely thing to do but it's like it's a team sport and stand up you're just out there on your own so it's like different rules apply yeah there's a compromise to tv i struggled with that even with when i did roast battle and battled Maisie Adam, the,

obviously you have to send your jokes to the producers in advance so that they like Maisie doesn't see it. And you guys don't see it, but they're like to the producers, can I say this on a telly? And even with roast battle, which is the anything goes, there was stuff that was like,

that doesn't quite go. Like it's, it's so different to just getting on stage at a comedy club and being like. What were you going to say? That sounds interesting. I was going to say some stuff on that show. Go on, what did you say?

What was the, is there a joke that was lost to the producers? There was a joke that was heavily changed. Right. So there was a, one of the jokes I said to her was she's described as down to earth which means

she's so pale she looks like she's been dug up. She looks like a ghost of one of the prostitutes the Yorkshire Ripper killed. That was originally going to be

she looks like a ghost of one of the kids buried on the Yorkshire Moors. Yeah, okay. And the other thing was I think they made a good decision. We don't have producers that's why we can keep it i mean yeah we do but it'd be amazing if carl was like hey that's going out and uh for another reason so when i'm sure

she's fine with this now when maisie was a kid she was left in a hotel room by her parents and she was found wandering around the hotel. I was like, but her parents did get her back. Her nickname at school was Maddie. I can't get rid of her. And they wouldn't let me say that either. Yeah, I could see why. Yeah, I could see good reasons for that.

Thanks. Yeah, it's also that thing of like, I think the illusion of, I always think that rule is like really, it's an interesting kind of unwritten rule of going pretty much joke about anything but if you name a specific kid yeah or a specific thing it becomes problematic because ultimately something they're gonna hear hear of it or they might hear of it and then they would be offended there was always a thing like i always thought like shipman was quite a cartoony thing to you know this doctor

that killed so many people it just seemed kind of you couldn't quite get your head around it but obviously because they were nuns it was not as serious like it was somehow there was like like comedically there was a lot of jokes about it but obviously on tv you can never talk about that because i remember at the time sort of you know and someone explaining it to me and going well yeah but someone's it's someone's man that they loved and they'll be watching the show, and they'll be fucking horrified, so just fucking don't. How is Jimmy Savile the funniest punchline

on the circuit for nearly 15 years? Like, you know, because it's Jimmy Savile, isn't it? Like, horrific, horrific crimes. I think I might have the best joke, I think. Jimmy Savile joke? Yeah. Jimmy Savile, the only man in human history to have fucked more minors than thatcher i don't know i mean throw down if anyone's got a better one

i'd love to fucking hear i just think that's perfect carl i think we need to take that out i think this would be the first joke you ever take um what stuff did you add taking off then you said you had stuff that you wanted to do on roast I think this would be the first joke you ever take. What stuff did you add taking off then? You said you had stuff that you wanted to do on Roast, but you weren't. No, no, Roast Battle. No, I think everything, you know, stayed in. I mean, I kind of know the rules pretty well on telly

and what you can and what you can't say and the touchstones of things. And I think it's, you know, often as well, I think there's a tendency. I've got a really good friend in America called Jesse uh called jesse who's really jesse joyce brilliant writer uh and he often picks me up on stuff for roasts when when we've uh done stuff out there of going like you're getting a massive reaction with that joke but is it a laugh yeah and that's it's an interesting thing with with something that's that's like spicy at the end of a show. It has to be a whoosh of a laugh and then a sharp intake of breath,

that cognitive dissonance of someone's sense of humour betraying who they really are and then their conscience kicking in after that. But if it's just getting the, ooh, it's like, well, no, you're not delivering that. It's not releasing endorphins for anyone. That's just people are like that. Saying a horrific thing. Yeah, you know, anyone can say an horrific thing. It's got to be funny.

Yeah. And the roast in America, I feel like you can go so much further than you can over here. Do you feel that? Like just the UK sensibilities a little bit. I think the UK one, you know, people don't have that tradition in the same way.

But I think we're much better. I mean, weirdly, I think America's got a better tradition of roasting, and we've got a better tradition of taking the piss generally in conversation. Generally, it's that great Australian phrase. You know the old Aussie phrase? You call a mate cunt, and you call a cunt mate. It's a great Aussie phrase.

Yeah, it's just like perfect because you go, yeah, over here here, there's a certain cache to be able to take a joke to, to, you know, to go right. Okay. So I can take it. And there's a familiarity with taking the piss and there's something about pushing it as far as you can,

but not too far with your friends. That's like, it's, it's intimacy. I really subscribe to that thing of like, laughter being the shortest distance between two people. And you feel that in American, like, friendships almost, that's not as prevalent. Not as prevalent as it would be.

The taking the piss isn't quite as severe as it would be. Get it on TV, get it on the roast. The roast thing's pretty good. I mean, I did the big roast I did over there. I did a lot of roast battling in Montreal. But the big one I did was the roast of Rob Lowe, which was, you know, it was a couple of funny lines in that. I was on Fox News.

I was, like, trending on Fox News because there was a commentator on there called Ann Coulter who's sort of like their Piers Morgan, big Trump right-wing commentator. And she was on. And they'd written this piece for her, right? They'd written this. The writers on that show are brilliant.

My friend Jesse was involved in it, actually. And they'd written this monologue for her that was fucking amazing. It was as good as, remember Martha Stewart did the roast with Snoop Dogg? Yeah. And she did this. She'd been to prison, and she did the roast. And she did this thing where she just banged out 15 brilliant lines in a row. Same guys that wrote that for her.

And she arrived, Martha Stewart arrived and went, what have you got for me? This, this is brilliant. I'm not going to change a word of it. I'm just going to do it. And she, like, it relaunched her career. Ann Coulter, fucking idiot that she is, got handed this thing and went, no, no, I'll do my own stuff.

And then died on her arse. And then I said, my line was, I said, look, Ann Coulter is one of the most, I looked. And then I said, my line was, I said, look, Ann Coulter is one of the most, I looked at her, I said, you're one of the most hatchet faced, right wing, objectionable bitches alive,

but it doesn't have to be this way. You could kill yourself. Fucking hell. And, and they, how is that somehow worse than what you said to pete davidson yeah it's a little bit worse well the pete davidson thing was like so i i tried you know so obviously you're doing the roast and you want to know whether the jokes work before you so you

go to clubs and you go okay i'm doing a roast battle tomorrow audience and i'm roasting these people so what do you think and my line on on on p, on Pete was, you know, I'm, I said, I'm appalled. People would joke about Pete Davidson's father. Who's the firefighter who died on nine 11. He's one of the guys that ran into the building and, you know, and attempted to save people's lives. This is,

this is not the roast of Pete Davidson's father. That was in 2001. It's a fucking good joke. So I tried it though in New York. No, no. So I tried it in, it was in 2001 it's a fucking good joke so i tried that though in new york no no so i tried it in uh it was in la it was in the comedy store i know it was in the improv tried it in the improv and the audience let like it gets a laugh and then and then uh oh like it was funny but fuck and then there's a laugh from the back of the room like a sustained fucking maniacal laugh from the back of the room pete pete davidson and you went okay because it was like it's one of those ones where it's that's spicy enough that i wouldn't do it without checking yeah and also i really admire pete i

like pete a lot i think he's a good guy uh you know so you you'd want to go look if he went ah it's a bit much you'd go leave it but he's very open to joking about it and i don't know how much of that is you know i mean i imagine it's an incredibly painful thing but he separated that from the the laughter is a way of processing it it's a way of knowing that it's and you've got to like if you're doing the roast of whoever on comedy central a lot a lot of your life especially the thing that everyone not that it's the only thing he's known for because he's a very successful comic as well but like it's one of the first things you think of when you think of pete davidson he gives it doesn't it be used he's he's a he's a ruthless roaster as well isn't it so it's not like it's not like you're just rounding on someone who's

essentially an innocent he's fucking good at it he knows the score yeah he's uh yeah he doesn't have to be there quite right is there. Is there any comic on the planet? Is there any comic on the planet? Is there any comic on the planet? Okay, go on. Question that you would be sort of, because I know all the comics. You mentioned the roast battles in Montreal,

and I know you did a lot of them. Is there anyone you'd be worried about going up against? Oh, all of them. All of them. I think it's that heavy as the head that wears the crown. It's that thing of like, I've won a couple of roast things, and you go, you know, people are,

you know, I'm pretty easy to roast. I've got a lot of stuff going on. I love them, though. I did it last week with, I mean, Jeff Ross is the fucking, the Roastmaster General. So Chappelle was over two weeks ago, and we went down to,

he was playing Hammersmith. So me and Carl went to see him. Which night did you go? The last night. Okay, yeah. No, I played the Wednesday. So me and Jeff did, got like 10 people up from the audience

and did like a speed roast. Yeah. Across the thing. It was really fun. Did you do it with him? Yeah. Yeah, with Jeff. Yeah.

I mean, I've done sort of, yeah, it's a really fun, it's a fun world to be in for about 24 hours when Chappelle's in town. And then it's a bit late night for me. It's a really fun it's a fun world to be in for about 24 hours when chapelle's in town and then it's a bit late night for me it's a bit like i went to bed at like 5am or something jesus this is too much and then they're on it again they're all on fucking vitamin drips the next morning and jesus guys wow off i'd rather yeah i'm not really a big jeff did that alone

the night we went east i got to send people up and did it. It was phenomenal. Where did you end up? I mean, I don't, you know, if it's prior, I just, fascinating. After the Chappelle show, where does it end up? We ended up back at Chilton Firehouse, you know, drinking and, I mean,

lots of people getting very high, but that's not my thing. But yeah, you know, late night drinking. But you got away early enough to not do the vitamin drip. Yeah, you got away early enough for 5 a.m. Yeah, something like that. Yeah, I think so. I was pretty ruined.

I'm not really a big drinker. I didn't drink for about maybe 12 years. I was straight edge. So as soon as I kind of got into comedy, I gave up drinking. It's interesting, like the stuff that I just wrote, the kind of autobiography, so I kind of remembered all of this stuff but i was like i drank a lot when i was at college and i drank after college and i was drinking not a problem drinker but drinking for the wrong reasons you know the thing of like when you're kind of drinking to kind of and that's the best bit of

your week yeah it's getting back to the job that you you know you're doing a job but you're just doing it for the for the pay and then the drink becomes and then you're thrilled the excitement yeah so i kind of gave up drinking for the first 12 years then drink becomes the thrill, the excitement. Yeah. So I kind of gave up drinking for the first 12 years of comedy, and now I drink a little bit, but you lose your capacity, I think, over the years. I'm such a fucking lightweight now. What's your vice then?

You're not pub fit. You're not Chappelle pub fit. Is your vice coffee then? I wouldn't say it's a vice. I mean, coffee is always... I've been drinking coffee since I was three. What? My mother used to give me coffee. I liked mil milky coffee she used to have quite milky coffee and i would like i remember i finished one of hers one day she would give me coffee when i was three what the fuck fucking insane yeah crazy crazy piece last week's guest

garrett miller i think he started drinking coffee at nine and we were like what and then jimmy comes and wins it's crazy can you operate without coffee uh yeah yeah no i can i could go without coffee i think i had to give it up for something i can't remember yeah some some some crazy yeah i can i could do do all right without it but i don't you don't drink coffee at all you don't get it it's just a boost i've got a uh i've got a starbucks machine in my house that's some stupid shit i bought you know the machine the full big one an orange one the big the machine from the shop? The full big one. An orange one.

The big machine from the shop in the kitchen. The full, and a barista. Not a barista, but I went and did the barista training. I take it very seriously, yeah. Did you do a Starbucks specific one? Did you actually keep it on brand? I did. I got the specific Starbucks coffee.

I got the full machine at home. It's just that thing where you go, people don't understand it because people can be quite snobby about coffee and they go, Oh no, you've got to go to this place. It's called, you know, extra roast. And they do that. And there's only one of them. And these guys really take coffee seriously and they bring it in themselves. And you go, no, no, no, you don't understand. I want the consistency. I'm doing 40 countries on the tour. I want to be able to know I'm getting the same thing I get at home. I get like, it's the familiarity that I love. So you getting the same thing i get at home i get like it's the

familiarity that i love yeah so you get the same wherever you are in the in the states or whatever as you do in your kitchen i buy i buy starbucks beans i've got a sage producer machine it's a much smaller one but it still does the job but i buy starbucks beans because i like starbucks coffee it's a bit like a lot of people who are sort of into their coffee like a more fruity one like danny mack and paul smith they they get it i think it's called like uh devil's snare it's like named after the thing and it's um harry potter it's named after harry potter but it's like a really fruity coffee and it's nice it's like when you go to an independent coffee shop but the dark roast from starbucks for me is as good as it gets yeah like i'm into that as well like occasionally i'll go for something

crazy like a uh a 24 24 hour drip Japanese fucking thing. But you know. Where are you getting that? This is why I don't think I'll ever be a coffee snob. I just want to feel awake, alive, and then need a shit. That's, whatever does that.

You're doing 40 countries. Yeah. I mean, I think the last tour was 40, maybe a bit more. 2018 was a big travel year. Like it was a big, like pretty much everywhere. I'm doing Paris on this tour you're doing what i'm doing paris little

105 seater he's doing two countries a paris yeah i don't know i would i would really consider though going out there because there is something where you go especially for the podcast like people sort of the thing you learn when you start touring internationally is people just like british comedy it's a great export i mean stand-up generally travels very well people speak incredible english now and it's really changed the last 10 years because it used to be only countries with uh version original there used to be a thing where the tv companies were the gatekeepers and some countries would dub things and some countries would put on subtitles. And there was a real difference in people's linguistic ability

because of what they consumed. And now with the world of YouTube and Netflix, everything's fucking changed because no one wants to wait for Game of Thrones to come out in their language, in their country with their TV station with the dubbing. So they just go, right, we'll just watch it on YouTube and we'll pick up the English.

And the language- We did that in Liverpool as well. we just had a scouse one for a bit scouse game of thrones you should have i mean it's awful shit john snow you're full of shite king of the north southport it's interesting like anywhere you go now you can sort of play and people get it and they get the references and it's, it just, it just works. I remember Bill Baird talking about the fact that people in Europe can understand English even better than they can speak it. And they speak it pretty well.

So that's why they're so accustomed to stand up now is that they, even if they couldn't articulate the joke, you've just said they understand perfectly. I think it's like, it's also that badge of honor with, I got a lot of Eastern European fans fans that have learned um the language through comedy like because actually you really know you've understood a language when you can get a joke in it in real time so i think a lot of people that come to see my show from i mean they're like you know when i

tour eastern europe it's like you know it's like the second and third city you kind of go i haven't even fucking heard of it i don't know what it's got you know once you've you know everyone knows the capital everyone the second man the second yeah and then you're in like city number like in uh denmark i'm in like city seven and you go hoping they've got a team that have played in the europa league i'm playing fucking buddha or something on the north uh the the coast and and people come and they just and they get the jokes and they get it in real time and they they fucking love it it's like it's also getting to play places where people haven't seen a comedy show before they've seen it on netflix or they've seen it on youtube and then you play to them live for the first time it's like they can't they're like because

well laughter is like such a social noise i mean there'll be people listening to this podcast that haven't been to see a comedy show. Because I hadn't seen one until I was in my 20s. And it's not such a huge thing. There's people that haven't been to live gigs. But if you go and see a comedy show, you laugh so much more than watching the tape. Oh, yeah.

Laughter's like about a million years older than language. It's a different part of the throat. It's a different part of our physiogn's a different part of our uh physiognomy yeah it's it's incredibly powerful yeah i like i can watch a full netflix special of a comma and love it and not necessarily laugh out loud once yeah and there's no endorphins released you enjoy it intellectually but you don't get that physical uh thing you don't get the dopamine you don't get the the benefits of You don't get the dopamine. You don't get the benefits of laughter. But when you go out and see something live, you can see something, you know,

half as funny and laugh twice as much. Yeah. Because it's being in the room with other people. It's also being part of a tribe. Yeah. Like why come out to a room? You were chatting earlier about what's the right size room. Well, actually 10,000 is too big for a tribe.

Yeah. You don't feel connected, but the thousand people, everyone's like... I love that thing of like you go to a gig and like connected but a thousand people everyone's like together i love that thing of like you go to a gig and like there's a thousand people in front of you go none of these motherfuckers have anything in common other than we all have the same sense of humor yeah i always think with my audience they've got the right sense of humor because you don't need a sense of humor when life's going great you just don't just when you're on a beach having pina coladas with the missus 10 days into a holiday, no one says funny shit.

No one's ever said anything funny on a beach because why fucking would you? Yeah, the best comedy comes from tragedy and shit situations and laughing at awful stuff. You need that gallows thing just to get through those tough times. I think it's such an important thing. You can't be frightened and laugh at the same time. Do you think you you just to come back

to sort of your style of comedy but we'll take a break in a minute as well but like obviously there's there's been a huge debate over the past sort of few years and even more recently like which chapelle's later special about what can be said on stage what can be joked about and stuff for for someone who does as you've said yourself quite spicy stuff i think i don't really ever see anyone saying jimmy carr should be in trouble for this joke do you think that's part maybe they should but do you think that's partly down to the fact that they're clearly jokes and one-liners yeah rather than presented as an opinion yeah i think that's that's a very astute point i think it's a it's very clearly a joke feed line punch line laugh not line, laugh. I'm not peddling an opinion.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind on anything particularly. That said, I think you can joke about anything, but not with anyone. So I think my audience come and see my show, they're not offended by anything. They like it. They get that it's jokes. And then occasionally something sort of slips out. And the trouble with jokes when they're reported is I'm telling a joke

at 10 o'clock in the evening in a theatre to a paying audience. I'm not shouting it through your letter box at 8.30 in the morning. Yeah. But that's what fucking happens when it goes in the Daily Mail. Yeah.

Yeah. And then there's a weird thing where, I mean, there's a lot of very good journalists out there and there's a lot of good people in that profession, but there are some that do that trick of like, it's a bit disingenuous, where they kind of go, he said this about these people and they treat it like it's a statement. Yeah.

And they obviously fucking know it's a joke. Yeah. You know, and I do sort of subscribe to that benign violation theory on comedy, which is the idea that you take something that is a violation in the world and you make it benign through joking about it. You make it okay through sort of, you filter it through the charcoal of comedy to make it benign through joking about it. You make it okay through sort of, you filter it through the charcoal of comedy to make it all right. I think that's a very powerful process that we go through and you sort of know that the healing's begun

when you can joke about shit. Yeah. It's interesting in topics that we find it very difficult to joke about are things that haven't been resolved. Yeah. Once it's resolved, you can kind of start to work through it.

Yeah. You know a comic sort of over kind of start to work through it. Yeah. You know a comic sort of over his ex-girlfriend when he's doing breakup material and he's doing stuff about like being whatever. Yeah. We'll take a little break there. We'll have some of our very generous sponsors sell us some shite.

Is this the worst episode or the best episode? I don't know. Somewhere in the middle. Okay, great. Wag wag lids. It's Dan. Hope you're enjoying today's episode. Do us a favor.

If you're watching on YouTube, like the video. Subscribe if you're listening. Follow us on all socials. At Have A Word Pod. Tell a friend. Do something. Help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year.

If you want to come and see me, do stand up. Get tickets at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode. Here we go. So, Jimmy, we have some listeners who, for one reason or another,

require our help and advice with their lives. I can't imagine anyone listening to this doesn't have problems. I can't imagine. We to this doesn't have problems. I can't imagine. We capitalise. Sure, sure. And on top of that, we're also going to share with you a feature.

Before we get into the advice bit, on our Patreon, which if anyone is a huge fan of this podcast and hasn't signed up yet, patreon.com slash haveawaypod.

We mention it. We mention it a few times. You will have heard about it. And I don't view it. I'm not looking down on on the patreon thing i don't view it as you guys begging uh i don't it's a great value deal jimmy i don't even know why i said that i just it's not good it's not one of the best deals in uk kill money thank you absolutely sign up to patreon or maybe just give a homeless guy money for tea it's the same it's the same same it's it's two different types of people

begging but begging is begging if you want to encourage this i guess maybe they could go out and make money for themselves or maybe you could just support them what that i want a lamborghini please get on patreon and if you can give a lamborghini okay um on our patron exclusive episodes we've been doing a feature where people can write in their confessions to us in a catholic style

sure I thought about being a priest when I was a kid I was catholic brought up catholic and had a proper faith until I was in my sort of early 20s

but fundamentally the priesthood wasn't for me because I never found kids that attractive still I think the opposite of a priest is a comic actually it's interesting isn't it they perform one-man shows every Sunday you look at Bill Hicks yeah but they're no better than you are they they're just passing a hat around at the end no better than you two fuckers on Patreon people pay to see me.

They don't fucking make a contribution on the way out. But that thing of that, I do think there's something about some great comics that are preachers. Like Bill Hicks was, you know, a father was a preacher. Like that thing of like, there's something about it that's,

it's not dissimilar. God, what do we got there? Confessions. So people have sent us a couple of confessions and it's our job to either absolve them of their sins or... Give them a punishment. Give them a bit of a punishment. Got it.

Jermaine Penance. No problem at all. So, wag-wag lids. Hope you guys are keeping well on that side of the world. Got a quick confession and hoping my reasoning will mean I have no penance to pay. Here we go. So, to cut a long story short,

my mum got a new bloke who was a bit of a cunt, and shortly after my parents sold the family home, I moved in with mum and said, man, he was a proper tosser for about two years before I moved in with my missus in Australia. But the night before I left for the airport, I decided to use this wanker's toothbrush as a bumhole and nutsack scratcher.

If anything, I think I've done him a favour. My nuts smell better than his breath. That's for sure. Do you think I deserve some punishment a favour, my nuts smell better than his breath. That's for sure. Do you think I deserve some punishment or it was what I did? Okay. All the best from Anonymous. Okay.

I mean, here's my issue with this motherfucker. Could you get the mic closer to you, Jimmy? Sorry. Okay. So a couple of issues. I don't like the term stepdad. I prefer to say motherfucker. I think referring to a stepdad as motherfucker

at every opportunity and also always pronouncing it motherfucker is is always funny um here's the issue with that right you've not really thought about the consequence so you've got the guy's toothbrush and you've rubbed it on your nutsack and your anus and this is the guy your mother kisses motherfucker you just got a virtual rim job from your mum. I think the penance might be you just have to live with that. You've already done your penance. Yeah, virtual rim job from your mum.

Congratulations. Your penance is you have to give your mum a kiss at Christmas. Oh, the circle of life. I couldn't even say it. The circle of life is what I call that guy's anus. It's not great. I mean, that's a hell of a confession to make, though. I never really got that thing of the revenge

of sticking a toothbrush up your... I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Mate, have you ever done that? Is that a... I shoved a toothbrush up your... I mean, I don't know. I don't know. Mate, have you ever done that? Is that a... I shoved a toothbrush up your arse to get revenge. No, but I can totally see that. But for pleasure.

It's not up the arse. It's just a gentle... I mean, go on, arse. You don't literally disappear it up your arse. No, I killed two birds with one stone. Remember that was the old joke, wasn't it? We got a toilet brush. I didn't like it.

I've gone back to paper. That's as old as the hill. No, if you're going to put a toothbrush near there, you might as well clean yourself at the same time. No, no, no. You've got to be able to put it back without it, you know. Let's not get too graphic. Yeah.

It's just a little, you know. Someone who spat in someone's mayonnaise. Spat in someone's mayonnaise. That's a euphemism Yeah. Two graph. It's just a little, you know, someone who spat in someone's mayonnaise. Spat in someone's mayonnaise. That's a euphemism, right? Wow. I spat in her mayonnaise. I don't mind telling you.

Wow. That sounds filthy, doesn't it? It wasn't. It was, but it not. Yeah. Like spitting in someone's drink or whatever.

You kind of go, ah, it's gross. And you go, yeah, spit. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know. You'll be all right. Yeah. I don't. Yeah. And people are like, oh my God, I can't know you'll be all right yeah i don't yeah and people are like oh my god i can't believe you it's just fine it's not that bad time we have a drink a lockdown lock-in i'm spitting in every drink you make not you if i use my wife's toothbrush she's fucking appalled i know that's fine because you're doing a weird thing isn't it when when your other half gets

like goes you use my toothbrush you go yeah but i mean but we do lots of things we just did the bad thing yeah what are you talking about yeah she gets really touchy about that i not with me she's all right with you she's fine with me yeah uh go ahead what have we got another one we got another confession we absolutely have so it says by the way that you've already done the penance yeah your penance is your mum

knows what your arsehole tastes like erm hi lids anonymous please lovely turn of phrase clip that one off for socials make sure we get Jimmy's face right now

what the fuck have I agreed to about 10 years ago I was 27 and I went to a friend's wedding in Thailand. Being a destination wedding, it was a pretty small do, 30 to 40 people. I didn't know loads there, but my best mate came with me

and we shared a hotel room. It was a great day and the bride and groom went off to the honeymoon suite and a few of us went out to a club in town. I went. I spotted the lad in the group who, to be honest, I don't really remember from the day, but we ended up sharing a taxi home,

started kissing, and found out it was the bride's cousin. We go back to the beach for a walk, and things get a bit frisky. I click into gear and go, I'm not shagging this lad on a Thai beach. Let's go back to yours. We went back.

We get to the door, and he said I had to be quiet because his parents were in the apartment as well. I thought to myself, how old is this lad? I was pissed, and I wanted sex. I asked him,

and he said he was 18. I thought, sound, how old is this lad? I was pissed and I wanted sex. I asked him and he said he was 18. I thought, sound, that's okay. After sex, because I absolutely did not want to wake up in the morning to his parents, tiptoes out, went home, didn't wake my friend up, I'd got away with it. I lived in Australia at the time and flew home the following afternoon. About a week later, I get a call from the bride who had gone back to England after the wedding. She said her 16-year-old cousin had been telling all his friends that he had slept with one of the bridesmaids and he was bragging about it to all of his mates and everyone at the party. The little shit had lied about his age. She

asked me if it was true and I pulled out my best acting and denied everything. In fact, I got fake upset on the phone for full impact and she believed me. She apologized for asking me and said deep down she knew I would never do something like that. She told her cousin that he was a fantasist and she put him in his place and said to stop spreading lies and rumors about me. To this day, I fully got away with shagging a 16-year-old and his friends. I fully got away with shagging a 16-year-old and his friends and fan think he's a massive liar. I've never told a single soulless secret, not even my best mate.

Do I deserve to be absolved or is there some penance to you? Can I ask Adam, how, how was it? How was it? I'm sorry. I didn't believe when you said you fucked a bridesmaid in Thailand. I mean,

it sounds like it is true. Um, that, yeah. I mean, if the shoe was on the other foot, if that was a dude emailing us, we'd be onto social services right now on the place.

It sounds deeply suspect. The worst things have happened in Thailand. Worst things have happened in Thailand that night. Mate, there are Thai listeners going, you fucked a 16-year-old. Whatever. That's not even noteworthy. What do you mean, a veteran?

A 16-year-old Thai time that's in the brochure we advertise that i had a joke i had a joke years ago about the because apparently the rudest thing you can do in different cultures have different traditions and uh i had a joke about how the rudest thing you can do in thailand is show someone the soles of your feet but i've got a mate that went to Thailand, and I can assure you, you can do much ruder things than that. He shouts on a hooker's chest for a tenner. But he kept his shoes on. It's morally, it's questionable, right? So you would say, it's a morally questionable thing.

16, it's legal. I mean, there's a, Dimitri Martin had the definitive joke about this you know dimitri yeah great american comic and he had a great joke about how because there was a kid in america that slept with this super hot teacher his teacher in her like mid-20s and slept with his kid he was like 15 and the kid died he got high five to death dimitri's a beast. Best jokes. I don't think the thing he...

So because he lied, right? About his age. About his age. He was at a wedding. They've been to a club. They've all had a drink, right? I don't think... We've all had a drink.

Feels like that's peak Scouse again. We've all had a drink. Come on. We've all had a drink. She was out of uniform there's but here's the thing she's she's shagged someone of 16 i think the age of consent has changed i think it's changed the last couple of years i don't think it's the same yeah i think like it used to be jimmy you're gonna just clarify quickly no because it hasn't changed

it has though right the age consent used to be 16 and it isn't anymore because if you slept with a 16 year old now they'd go yeah but you groomed them yeah they'd say well you groomed them and it's still not okay i think the age of consent is now effectively 18 yeah you're allowed to sleep with them at 16 as long as the parents give permission well i mean that's um that's a whole different that wasn't the case it's definitely moved conversations yeah no you're fucking it it feels like morally it has moved a little bit like at the time this might have been a great japes 10 years ago we might have gone well i guess 16 and it's a you sort of think joe rogan has a great piece of material on this. You know Joe's bit on this? Yes, no. Where he says that you can definitely, a teacher can sleep,

a male teacher can sleep with a female pupil, and it can be a sexual assault. But all a female teacher can do to a 16-year-old boy is let him fuck her. It's his rationale on the whole thing i'm not sure where i stand on that but i think she's got i don't know what would you have done differently i don't think she can do anything differently she was lied to she i think i think she's the victim i think if anything she wasn't she was lied to. If ever you have to say to someone, how old are you?

Don't fuck them. There's the rule. I mean, if ever, don't fuck them. Even if they produce photo ID, the fact that you're IDing someone should tell you, don't fuck them. Yeah. That should be the thing.

The asking is the thing. The asking should be the shutters come down. The parents in the apartment was the next layer of that. How old are you? And who's in this apartment? Mum and dad. I don't want to wake

your mum and dad, but you're definitely of age. We should definitely be doing this. We should definitely be doing this. So I disagree with both of you. It's nice to get a letter from a female pedo though,

isn't it? It feels like we've kind of mixed things up. We've never had one. They're not as bad, are they? Female pedos are never as bad pedos um you never see it on pedophile hunter i wonder what her you know like becky comes in going fucking out that's a gag from my i'm doing that it's a It's a pretty good gag. Go on. You know when people's profile photos don't match what they look like?

Yeah. She said she was a 16-year-old girl, not a middle-aged policeman. I'll be honest, the sex was disappointing. He took down my particulars and I came quietly. We've got jokes. If you need jokes, we've got jokes. This episode has had more actual jokes in it than any other episode

what uh me baby what should the penance be for this so not youth work i i think the the problem is that she has pulled the, and lied and said it didn't happen. That's the problem. Your problem, pot calling kettle black motherfucker. That's exactly what you, you die with the lie. You know full well. Yeah, and I deserve to be punished for that.

All right, okay. Yeah, I'm not saying I'm above what she's done, but what I'm saying is what she's done. I've done plenty of things wrong in my life life i would say the lie is not the huge problem here it's more the fucking the kid yeah more the fucking the kid is the is the issue i disagree if he was 15 it's a different shot i i think it's the fact she's lied and like this this lad is being gaslit by all his family now into believing he's made it up. Yeah, but he knows he shagged her.

He doesn't. He'll be questioning it. You're not questioning that. You're not questioning that. He's not like, did I imagine the stretch marks? No. I don't think he's that. He's 16.

He's fine. He can smell his own finger. He knows what's happening. Years later, he hasn't washed it. He's like, no, no's fine. He can smell his own finger. He knows what's happening. Years later, he hasn't washed it. He's like, no, no, no. I'm right. I'm still right. I still smell our Thailand.

He still can't eat a pad thai. I don't know what we do with this lady. I mean, so she's in Australia now. Care of details. She sounds great. She sounds great. She sounds great. You want great. She sounds great. You want a cup of a drink with her?

I'm too old for her, but... Most people are too old for her. We've got any younger listeners, we'll put you in touch. Yeah, I don't know. So what's she... What are we going to do with her? So, for example, very recently we got a confession in. Someone, when he was younger, he fucked the packet,

a multi-pack of Lucozade comes in and the penance we gave him. And it's not just like in the shop. He worked there and he took it from the stockroom into the employee's bathroom and had sex with it against the wall. He was a horny little 15-year-old. He'd never had sex. He was confused why he couldn't finish. Okay, I mean, LucasAid.

So maybe we should get that guy to drink contact with this woman. What about that? Let's make some connections. Let's get LucasAid boy this woman's email because I think he will travel to Australia. Is there at any defence the guy lied about his age? Is there any defence at all? No, not legally.

No, but in the moral, in the habit of words, you think it is a defence that he went... He lied. He lied. He was in an adult situation. His parents had let him be in. As far as I'm concerned, that's his parents giving consent for him to fuck whoever he wants.

And he's 16 16 which is technically legal and he he loved it well I can tell you you failed your audition as the new Jeremy Kyle we're not we're not gonna be using you

I'd be a fucking great new Jeremy Kyle I'd just be like do you know what yous both are doing my fucking head in yous need to sort your attitude out fuck off

yo Graham I've got this that'd be a shit show that one fuck off next you can fuck off yo claim i've got this that'd be a shit show that one next time you can fuck off as well it's a slight irony as well in the you need to sort your attitude out okay if he's cheating on you then maybe you need to be doing something more for him at home and you

need to stop cheating on her. There you go. Episode two done. Out the studio. Let's just imagine two people here. No one. You didn't miss a bit. That was just nonsense. I don't know what that woman's got to do.

I think she needs to go back to Thailand as her penance. Go back to Thailand and fuck an old dude. And then on aggregate, on aggregate, Away goals. We will think, yeah, it's away goals. She's got to fuck someone

in their 60s. Yeah, but that's not what they're there for. Old guys in their 60s in Thailand. When you're a sex tourist, you don't want... You know what we're doing,

though? She go back to Thailand, fuck a guy in his 60s that's clearly a sexual tourist, and she's taking one for the team. Absolved. There you go.

That's the penance. There you go. That's the penance. There you go. E tu domine padre. I didn't know you couldn't sing. Okay, more confessions. We are done for confessions, but we do have... Oh, hang on.

No, I've got one more. I've got one more confession. Are we doing have a confession today, not have a word? We've got a bit of time roll with it we'll do one more are you liking the confessions

I'm liking the whole show so hello fellas I have a confession to make a few years ago this is a bit of a brutal one this a few years ago my housemate came back

from a night out covered in bruises a busted lip and as we later found out two broken ribs he told me he'd been assaulted for no reason by a lad we went to university with

the lad in question is from Nottingham and we all went to Nottingham Trent Uni so he was out with his mates from home the the lad who'd been assaulted didn't recognize the other lads from uni anyway I was a witness in court on a GBH charge and I said I was there and saw the guy from uni do it this obviously isn't true I was in the flat all night and I didn't want the guy to get away with what he did to my mate in a he said she said scenario the lad got six months in prison and he was released after two here's the thing this was the first year of uni and I didn't know my housemate particularly well since then I've been

on plenty of nights out with him and as soon as he's had a drink he's a trouble causing dickhead he's a dickhead I've also seen him tell barefaced lies about things he's done that make him look bad like when he crashed his car into a parked one and told the driver of the parked car he'd seen who'd done it and gave them a fake number plate he's a trouble causing liar did i essentially get a lad convicted for standing his ground should i have ever lied in court am i absolved or what in court we prefer female pedophiles to be, this feels like a more serious... Yeah! Because the police are involved.

That guy's got a criminal record now. Yeah. And had to do, what, two months in prison? I mean, two months in prison is... I mean, listen, I would not last two months in prison. That sounds brutal to me. I don't know. I think...

What would be your tactic to survive in prison? My tactic in prison? Yeah, day one. Day one? Yeah. I would just, I would give the best blowjob. I would be next level, next level. Don't neglect the balls.

That's the key to a successful life in prison. I don't know. I mean, listen, I think the, I would warm up their toothbrush that's important that's what we've learnt today I think I think I'd be alright

I'd be a funny fucker so here's the thing with this right you've been doing new stuff in the fucking canteen yeah this guy here's one for you come on everyone have you ever noticed

how the screws the this one seems like... I don't know what the punishment is for lying in court. I presume it's contempt of court. They take that very, very seriously. Perjury, yeah. But I think, yeah, it's perjury.

So what they should do is write a letter to the court and say, I lied in court, and get the guy off and go and do the time. You're going to do the two months while he gets his criminal record expunged, essentially. Well, the criminal record needs to be expunged because we don't know that he didn't do it.

We don't know that he didn't do it. All we know is his mate's an arsehole. Yeah. So the start of the evening, so they come back from a night out and he's like I've been beaten up by one of these guys for no reason

and as their friendship develops he's like oh hang on why would you just like early in a friendship if someone comes back

and goes I got beaten up you need to basically lie for me and court I'd be like I just want to get through freshers week

what are you talking about never mind at the beginning of a friendship if your best friend comes along and goes i got beaten up by a strange man for no reason i need you to lie in court you go right you had me up until lied in court yeah and now i'm out for him i'd lie in court for him yeah i'd probably lie in court for you as well yeah i haven't if this is used as evidence. Can I speak on behalf of the jury and say,

I think you definitely were both involved. Whatever, just the accent is making me suspicious. But that thing of like going, I don't know what that guy, you know, it depends. I mean,

if the guy was, I don't know, studying graphic design, maybe it doesn't matter a fuck, but you have to find out what that, because if that guy was studying law and he's got a conviction, then he's, he yeah like is that thing where you go well that's ruined his life his life's ruined never gets to go to america yeah yeah you're out yeah what if he was studying going to america fucked yeah what if he was studying what going to america it's the sequel to coming to america that we've misremembered yeah even with eddie murphy behind you

i know media studies is bullshit but that is a stretch what are you studying going to america what's his penance i don't know well i think the penance might be two months in prison two months in prison yeah two months i think you gotta find out the guy's penances he's got to find out who's the guy that was convicted and find out, did it affect his life? That's the penance, right? You've got to go and do a bit of investigating and then go, do I need to do the right thing? And go, I was under duress and you write a letter.

I don't think they're going to punish you harshly. That might be the thing. Offer to lie for the guy you lied against. Give him a one free pass. Keep lying. Keep lying. Keep lying. Build a lie on another lie. That's the way forward.

Another lie. Yeah, I lied about you. And he fucked a 16-year-old. And another layer. Or suck him off. I don't know. Who gets... So he got beaten up.

A split lip. A split lip. Couple of bruises. Broken ribs. What's the level of injury at which we're pressing charges, we're going to the police? I think broken bones is where I'd draw. Having said that, I got battered in town once and they broke my shoulder

and I just never did anything about it. Yeah, I got beaten up a couple of times and just went, ah. But the hassle of it just seemed like too much bother. Yeah, I've got to find the people make out that what i think if it was race racially motivated then i'd press charges yeah okay if someone beat you up for being white yeah if yeah yeah yeah i mean i've just got to you know what's right is right guys so a hate crime essentially yeah if i get victims of many hate crimes in chester yeah i. I live in Chester. I live in a village just outside Chester

that is 99.9% white apart from the pharmacist. But if he ever attacks me over a prescription, I'm going to court. Well, I'm glad. Is this another confession? It feels like something has happened. Right, your penance is find the guy, tell him what you did,

and do whatever he wants you to do. Fuck that. That guy is deleting this email. Stopping this episode and going, kiss my ass. I think he's got to find the guy and see what effect it had. And if it's no harm, no foul, if the guy had to do two months

and he maybe beat someone up, but it didn't ruin his life, then I think... Because he did beat them. Well, someone beat this fella up. I know. And let's remember,

they were at Nottingham Trent, so things can't be going that well, can they? Yeah, we've not lost the best and the brightest. We've not lost a doctor here. Yeah. What do they study in Nottingham Trent?

Going to America. Is it one of those ones that it used to be? Not the proper ones. It didn't used to be a polytechnic. I think it used to be a 24-hour garage. Yeah. They got a delivery of books one day and fucking went with it.

We want to have magazines. They'll do. I've got a 2-1 from Esso. Here's your penance, lad. Find out what happened and help him. Right.

Oh, God. So, this one came in. This is a have a word. Oh, finally. Play the theme tune. You can't hear it Neither can I You can So this

This is from Lauren She doesn't want it to be anonymous She hasn't said so But she has asked specifically Because she's Geordie For it to be read in a Geordie accent Don't do it Adam

Now It's African and it's racist No I'm telling you I can do Geordie How racist I'm telling you I can do Jordan how we I'm from Nugazal I've seen

I've heard you do it how we the lids loving the pot it's not bad that's a Geordie girl though what part of

Lagos are they from no it's way funny if you do loving the pot I don't know Do you want to do it? No! It's way funnier if you do. Loving the pod? I don't know who's in the wrong the most here, so feel free to have a word with any of us.

That's good. Are you trying to start a sing song? I don't know this one. If I'm going to taint his old man, aren't I? Can you do it? Right. Chino Swing. Hi, lids. Can you do it? Right. Chino Swingett. Hi, lids.

Loving the pod. I don't know who's in the wrong here the most, but feel free to have a word with any one of us. I was messaging a guy called Aaron, E-E-Ron, for a couple of weeks before agreeing to go with him to the Lake... I'm not doing the whole thing.

To the Lake District camping for the weekend. He was helping his friend out by doing paddle boarding instruction while his friend was away. It was going fine until the last night when Connor, his friend, came back with his girlfriend, Sophia. We went on a double date to a local restaurant and it was all fine until we went to another pub. After that, Aaron and Sophia, his friend's girlfriend, were getting increasingly flirty

to the point where I made a joke about swinging because things were that awkward. By the end of the night, my date Aaron had his arm around Sophia, touching her leg. Her boyfriend didn't even react, and I was feeling so awkward. This continued when we went back to the campsite. We kept on drinking and built a fire.

They were on one side, and me and the boyfriend were sat on the other. They kept getting more and more flirty. I couldn't help but make jokes to diffuse the tension. Is this a letter to Penthouse? I feel like it's going to be quite erotic. And then he got his massive throbbing cock out, and I was like, what?

Your dick's massive. Little did he know. Little did he know I was watching on the whole time from the kitchen cupboard. And a proper Geordie Romanic, he stuck it in me ear. Eventually, Connor had had enough of the way they were going on. He invited me to walk with him to the toilet block

after I said I needed a piss. Really Geordie romantic. Yeah, I know, it's nice. I went with him, and as soon as we got out of their sight, he started necking me, trying to put his hands down my pants. This is Connor, by the way,

the one with the girlfriend. I was so annoyed at Aaron, I just went with it. I was technically single after all. I was so annoyed at Aaron, I just went with it. I was technically single after all. To cut a long story short, I ended up bent over a gate in a sheep field. No, I am going to read that in a Geordie accent.

To cut a long story short, I ended up bent over a gate in a sheep field. Proper classy. After he finished, Connor said he felt guilty and he just went back to the campfire and acted like nothing had happened. Aaron and Sophia still message me now and are still flirty. Are still message now. They are both

none the wiser to Connor cheating with me. Are we completely in the wrong for what we did or are they in the wrong for flirting and mugging us off to provoke our actions? Who do you need to have a word with? Also tell Aaron and Sophia, even though it's been over a month since. Also

should I tell? Oh, okay. Good. Just words. Use your words. Should I tell Aaron and Sophia, even though it's been over a month since, also, should I tell? Oh, okay, good. Just words, use your words. Should I tell Aaron and Sophia, even though it's been over a month since it happened? That was a busy email, wasn't it? There's a lot going on there. So her boyfriend flirted with someone.

Yeah. So she shagged someone in a field immediately absolute instant karma didn't even have a word with him just went right stick that up me right now other random guy fucking do that the email feels like it makes it sound like this was a first date as well she went to the lake district on a first date i've been messaging him a bit and then we went camping. That's very sort of... And I joked about, about, I joked about swinging.

Well, that's how every conversation about swinging has started. No one goes, right, swinging. It's like, it's going to be a bit of like chat first

before the swing happens. I think she is, yeah, I think she's 100% in the wrong in this, isn't she? Do you reckon? Yeah. Yeah. She's single?

She's single. I mean, I've got no problem with her fucking Connor. Had she even fucked Aaron? No. I'm not sure he did anything wrong. He was just flirting with someone. His mate's girlfriend, though, and they're being all touchy. I know, but it is quite something in it.

He was touching her leg so i got bent over a fence also you know like let's not skip over that because he had his arm around her and was touching her leg which makes me think he might be mr tickler where's he gone in there um i don't know i mean it feels like these are young single people exploring each other's bodies in the countryside what a what a lovely thing we should get the girl from thailand involved wow that really felt like a like a video you watch in biology these are young people in the countryside young healthy people bent over a field lovely some poor fellows walking the dog going, what's going on here?

Oh no, you don't understand. This is Connor. My boyfriend was flirting with someone. Yeah, he's just banging on into me. But what happened was... And she reads that email out.

I'm not sure as well. It's the time lag on the revenge shag that worries me here. The idea that you're like, minutes, like they're at the campfire. He's on that side of the fire. We're on this side of the fire.

I'm going for a pee. Yep. Fuck it. Like feels pretty instant. And if you're ever in a relationship with this girl, never lose her at a house party because it'll get busy. Yeah. Why are you,

why are you sucking off that stranger? You looked at that waitress twice. Oh, I was, I was, I was Oh. I was ordering. That was quick. I'm hungry. Yeah, she knows.

She's basically done a have a word that's a confession. It's another confession, really. She's sent it in under the guise of a have a word, but yeah, you know, it's not like you're married. It'd be so much more sordid if we're like, we're both in our early 40s, but I do get fucked pretty quick if he even looks anywhere. So I think Jimmy's right.

They're young. Who cares? Yeah, have fun. None of those relationships are going to last or go the distance. So it's fine. It doesn't matter. You've ruined nothing and you've got yourself a good dick in. Who's lost?

What a romantic you are, Adam. A good dick in is a phrase that's not i think are you quoting there is that from pride and prejudice there's that because there's that sequence where mr darcy gives her a good dicking isn't it yes yes no i remember now it's a beautiful piece isn't it yeah i always i hear i always hear darcy with your accent all right come here now I'm gonna fucking dick ya Mr Darcy the first time we met you won't even remember it

oh I definitely won't remember it we did a benefit gig for Dave Johns at the store in London and it was like a stacked bill it was like for the comedian support fun thing he did 45 before each act right go on I remember that gig you heard my accent and you were like oh you're from Liverpool and I went yeah support fun things. He did 45 before each act. Right. Go on.

I remember that gig. You heard my accent and you was like, oh, you're from Liverpool. I went, yeah. And you went, John Bishop's here. Shall I just tell him

to fucking go home? We don't need both of you. Seems about right. I don't remember that, but that sounds like the kind of shit I would say. Jimmy, this has been

an absolute pleasure to have you in this studio. An honour and a privilege for you. It's been really fun, boys. I've got to say, I very much like it. It was a lot of fun. Well, thank you very much.

Your new book, Before and Laughter, is available everywhere. The links are in the description of the episode. We were sent a copy in advance. I tell you, if either of you could read, I'm sure you would have enjoyed it. I like the colours. He's got two faces. I two faces what's done really well boring see what's done really well and the publisher sort of said oh this is apparently the case with uh with all comics the audiobook's done better than the book but i think people want to hear because i got my friend to come in and direct the audio

you said you got your friend to come in and read it no no i like did the audio but i did like half an hour of the audiobook and went it was just like droning on so i got my friend amanda to come in and who's a comedy director and just like direct it and like stop me every like four paragraphs and go fucking deliver it properly don't just read it yeah okay like deliver it how long does it take to do an audiobook i mean it's, it's eight hours, but that takes about 12 hours. It's like little breaks and things here and there. It takes about 12 hours. Do you know why?

It's daunting. Do you know why I think that's doing as well, if not better than the book, as a comic? It's podcasts as well. Like, people are listening to comics so much more often now in the car. Yeah, it's long form. Long form is the way. You know, it's also that thing of like, you just go,

I remember stuff more. When I listen to stuff, I just remember everything. Yeah. It was... It's... I think that's definitely what's happening. And if I ever write a book,

let's just not even finish that fourth. Yeah. Can I read it? If you ever finish colouring in a book, let's manage our expectations, shall we? It'll be available on audiobook. It's going to be called A Good Dick.

There's a red bit. A blue bit. A Really Good Dick. There's a red bit and a blue bit. A Really Good Dickin' by Adam Rowe. You'll have written one more than you've read. I nearly finished Jamie Carragher's

autobiography. Yes! Yes! The most scouse thing that's been said today. We've all had a drink. Fucking hell. Jimmy, it's been a pleasure. Thank you very much for coming in i thank you guys uh nurture have a word pod.com extra episodes of patreon.com slash have a word pod i'm on tour adamrode.co.uk forward slash shows he's on tour dan that and girl.com and jimmy's got a book house

go and get everything right now oh it's worth mentioning uh patreon is basically fucking begging yeah but we beg really well yeah and unlike most beggars we give you something for the money you know not all homeless people are singing yeah that's a good point okay and we've got a dog shut up you you you