Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #146 with Bobby Mair - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 15, 2021

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Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting!

Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. Putt, putt. Welcome.

Welcome. Welcome. Laura's pissed me off this morning. Oh, yes. Oh, dear. I'm not happy. Oh, I'm not happy. What's pissed me off this morning. Oh, yes. Oh, dear. I'm not happy. Oh, I'm not happy. What's she done now?

I was hugging her, trying to get a little bit of love, trying to get some puss. I'm sort of laying the foundations to maybe get some puss in April, right? I'm putting her planning permission in front of pom-pom. I'm treating the lady right. I just hugged her. And you know what? Sometimes when you hug,

you hug and then your partner's arms like that. But then this one's a bit like, a bit Jeremy Beadle, like a bit Nemo. Take my strong hand. You're like, there's nowhere for it to go. She got trapped there.

And her hand, like I was there with me little jammy bottoms and her hand just was like just basically rested on my dick and she squeezed it a little bit and gave it a fucking voice and went hello i hate that i used to do a routine about this with an ex-girlfriend who used to make my dick sing. Hey. It's the biggest turn off ever. It's never happened before. And I know it's not the biggest dick.

But if you're going to do the, hello, why is it a little cockney? Why is it, hello, I'm Dan's dick. She did that. Not that I'm expecting it to be like, would have fucked up. I get it. I've got three and a half inches inches Four inches on a warm day of dick But hello I'm Dan's little homeless cop

Like a fucking cast member from Oliver So my ex when I used to finish Like doing the biz She would just grab me And just like go Woo Like just playing with it And then one time

Then it's true How old was she? What? How old was she? this was my most recent technical oh right okay yeah and one time she pulled me foreskin back

opened me bellend and made it look like it was singing Ave Maria it's the biggest like she used me me me

me knob lips as lip lips knob lips like a little blind chorister have you seen the wormorm Choir play? Now, that's fine. Where in the choir did she pitch the voice? I don't think she thought it through that much.

Right, because Laura, this morning, pitched me a fucking soprano. Hello, I'm Dan's little dick. Sounds like Chopin's song. I want to be... No, exactly. I want to be at least a tenano. Hello, I'm Dan's little dick. Sounds like Chopper's car. I want to be... No, exactly. I want to be at least a tenor. Hello, I'm Dan's dick.

Again, he doesn't need to speak. Hello. Hello, what's this? I want mine to be like a scouse dick. Just to be like... Of course you fucking do. Like he's hard, he's confident. He knows what he is

and he's happy with it what you want your dick to ask for 50p to look after your car while you're at the match alright lad bit of fucking security for you

he's got 110s on I just want him to be like what's happening I'm a dick aren't I and there's nothing wrong with that scouse dick not an English dick

you'll never wank alone sorry sorry about that that was good not an English dick you'll never wank alone sorry sorry about that that was good was that alright yeah well done I feel like that's what like I get that I

I get that I'm like not an honorary scouser but I'm close to like I feel like I'm probably a year away from John Moores being like we've got a degree for you Dan

and he stood there like Marcus Rashford at the uni but um i feel like you'll never walk alone joke so i i feel like both of you went oh damn no liverpool people have like famously got a really good sense of humor and we laugh at anything that comes our way yes what everything though for good reason what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean what do you mean i What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? I just feel like.

Funny how? What am I, a fucking clown? I just feel like I was hanging around with my black friends then and then rapped along to one of their songs. It had that vibe. Sam pissed me off last night. Good, good. It's not a screech But I just

That was me Yes Adam Do you know Right Do you ever have this Do you know when you You can tell The person you're with

Is annoyed at you But they refuse to accept That they're annoyed at you Yeah So they're like I'm not And then that drives me mad Because you're telling a bare faced lie Whoa

Calm down Maybe that makes it worse No Like if someone's like I'm not annoyed And you're telling a bare face lie whoa calm down maybe that makes it worse no like if someone's like i'm not annoyed and you're like no you are tell me what's wrong and they're like i'm not annoyed you're like you are tell me what's wrong it's fine just tell me what's up no because they're just lying to your face or they're just lying i'm not and then and then the next layer of that is you've put me in this mood now by asking me that. Yeah. No, you were already there.

I've got no time for it whatsoever. I'm just like, stop fucking lying and tell me I've done nothing wrong. Well, fuck off to bed then. Fuck off. I haven't spoke today, by the way. She's in a bad mood. Shock.

Fuck off to bed. It's half six. Come on. Get out of my sight site you're not even finishing the chase bed no supper yeah

it just dries do you know what you got to know have you not worked out what it is no I know exactly what it was oh here we go so we're planning the New York trip

CSI fucking relationship we're planning the New York trip and she was like so what days are you going to be gigging on I was like well the way New York comedy clubs work are the week before that's when they sort of

book everything I might get two weeks in advance or three because I'm coming from abroad but I won't know for another few weeks and she was like so like the Friday and Saturday

I was like well the Friday and Saturday I'll probably do a few shows and she went you told me you'd do a maximum of one gig every night and I went

I didn't because I would never say that out loud because it's a lie it's absolute lie it's absolute bullshit because some comedy clubs force you to do more than one set and i don't even need to be forced i want to do it just like right oh you they don't just go where do you want to do one set they're like early yeah minimum yeah so i was like so the friday and saturday you know

i'll be doing a few sets and she's like like, right, right, right. And I went, what? What's the matter? She was like, nothing. I was like, no, there clearly is something wrong. She was like, no, no, no, no. And then two hours later, she was like, yeah, well, you know, it's my first time in New York. We're trying to plan stuff. And I didn't know how much you were going to be working. I was like, well, I told you I'd be gigging on at least four or five of the nights. She was like, yeah, but I thought that'd be one set of nights I was like but you told me I said that and I know I never said that and it took hours to get there and I was like we're going for my 30th I'm paying for us both to go and it's my birthday and I'll gig you for one yeah I was like you are fucking we're doing what I want to do went

to London for your birthday I boxed all that off. Give you everything you fucking wanted. Let you do two spots at the store. You did top secret. Like, I was like, I've told you two days that I'm going to be gigging on. Two out of eight. And there'll be more. Eight's a long time in New York as well.

It is. There's plenty of time to do fucking everything. Are you going to book gigs out of spite? I genuinely, at one point last night, nearly messaged every comedy club I've been out for and tried to book everything in. I'm looking to do eight a night. At one point last night, she was like,

you're not going to gig on your birthday, are you? I was like, well, I won't if you don't want me to, but I'd like to. She's like, you want a gig on your birthday? I was like, don't think you understand that I love this shit. And a big attraction with going to New York for me is getting to do New York comedy clubs. So yeah,

I would absolutely gig on my birthday. And I think I'm actually going to book that one in now because it's my birthday and I'll gig if I want to. Wow. There's a gig in New York that's great that only runs on Tuesdays. What's it called?

Comedy Juice. Okay. At Gotham. In the main room of Gotham. We arrive on a Tuesday and me birthday's on the Tuesday. So I'm either going to have to do it the second we fucking land

or on me birthday. And I want to do it on me birthday. Cool. I know the guy who books it and he said I can do it. Are you venting here? Yeah. I feel like you're annoyed at me.

I haven't let you gig. You gig when you want sweetheart We're not sponsored by Starbucks Please turn the cup back around Oh no we are Are we? On a placement now It's only me though

They're giving me 10 grand an episode Right Didn't think you'd get us on that now Yeah what news to drinker? I'm sponsored by Rockstar Energy Drink What's with the fucking sponsorships going on? Thank god Fuck them

Fuck Oh yeah How I need you to drink what's with the fucking sponsorships going on thank god fuck them fuck oh yeah how you do a couple of podcasts when you're out there as well yeah I've already got RU Garbage booked in

love those guys they're great I actually listened to that pod I think Schultz is going to get me into Flagren too and there's an Irish lad

called Colm Tiddle who I know quite well and he's put me in touch with Legion of Skby kelly there's just a few that he's like you could just do all of these while you're there i want to try and do like four or five yeah yeah oh sam's gonna have such a good time she is though on her own on fucking fifth like it takes an hour to go and do a podcast doesn't it and they're all in Manhattan

so I can literally nip in and go like she'll one time on her own like and keep them the evenings free it's your birthday

and it's my birthday it's not just your birthday sweetheart it's 30th me 30th you do you babe yeah do you know what women do

oh fucking hell mate not fucking podcasts. Oh, they do, actually. Do you know what they do? Trusty hogs. They act like, when they're in a relationship with you, like, your birthday is somehow also their birthday.

My birthday is called Seneca's birthday eve, because it's the day before. Yeah, but that's different. It's probably. My missus's birthday is in fucking july and you know when we were looking for venues for my birthday she's like i don't feel like i don't i i think and i was like shut up she's rapping what so i think she was just like shut up i've told you i love this place i think i don't want, shut up. I've told you I love this place. I think, I don't want to.

Shut up. It's my birthday. Do you want me to clip this out and send it to her? Yeah. I am pretty sure you're going to marry this woman and I am semi-positive you're going to divorce her. Just the way you are. You're so strong-willed and it's great.

It's great. But there is points where you're like, not to sound like a fucking cook, where you're like, if you're arsed, I can't be arsed being arsed. Like, you, I know that's maybe... I do that with a lot of stuff. Right.

But I suppose it's your birthday, and you can... Like, yesterday, I was making a bolognese. I put green peppers in it. She was like, I don't like green peppers, so I only put a few in. Sorry. You need a job. Are you getting work at the UN when you're out there in New York?

Doing a few spots. Doing a few spots at the gigs. Going to do a few podcasts. Also going to work in the diplomatic wing of the United Nations. I ate green peppers. They bring me out in a rash. All right, I'll only put four in. You're crying.

I know, babe. I love you. Call it three. In they go. My fucking pasta. My fucking pepper. Good God. I didn't put mushrooms in it

because she doesn't like them. Do you like mushrooms? Love mushrooms. I love mushrooms. Yeah? I do love mushrooms in it because she doesn't like them do you like mushrooms? love mushrooms love mushrooms yeah I do love mushrooms in a bottle of these as well I fucking hate mushrooms

oh child yes whenever I hear that I've got the palate of a fucking eight year old sounded wrong the problem is

he's got the palate of an 80 year old who's only got one colour paint do you want to do it again

no it's her holiday though so it's your birthday but it is I'm just playing

it's my holiday that she is lucky to be invited on I'll go I'm stepping I'm like joining the Pfizer as a backup.

Yeah. I'm the backup for the holiday. 100%. Yeah. Like, if her attitude doesn't fucking sort itself out, he'll be coming. Yeah. And I'll be fine.

You go all the clubs you want, mate. Yeah. Are you going to need some time alone, Carl? He'll come and produce the podcasts. Oh. Fire. Better than all them cunts. Really grateful for the opportunity. Well, what are you garbage boys?

I've said it before. They do such a good job of what we do. Your birthday is the eve of Serica's birthday. Yeah, 24th February, mine, 25th hers. I think that's fucking perfect though isn't it oh it's great because we get to go away together like we always go away for our bed you can't forget it they can start shagging a five to midnight and by five past they've both come and it's for both of them that's what we do yeah that famous thing that you do on your birthday

like a weird shagging new year's eve five two, Well, the thing that men get on their birthday, like traditionally, is anal, innit? So at five, he starts in her arse, and at midnight, he has to pull it out.

It's quite traditional. We are quite a traditional relationship as well. What tradition? Traditionally? You know, a birthday tradition, get bummed. What?

Yeah, he starts with anal, because it's his birthday. Takes it out, starts with A, looks at his birthday, takes out and finishes him in his mouth. Have you been there? We have different traditions in Cheshire. You're a little scouse there, lad. It's me birthday.

I'm going deep. I'm going in. Well, yes, she calls my birthday, birthday Eve, to piss me off. I like your missus so much that i'm not taking your side on it i might good for you but that's nice isn't it because you get to plan it you can't forget a birthday or whatever you're doing the presents at the same time weekend aways for both of you we always go on holiday and then i plan her birthday she plans mine so we've been to iceland paris new york and then we amsterdam and then like it's just a day

to plan each oh it's nice they're easy i've told sam she can plan me birthday and maybe one more but the rest i need to have a big saying because i'm not going to new york with no idea what I'm doing no great I believe you've never been to New York so you I know just having this conversation makes me think

I think I've got well that's what I was going to do for my 40th last year which became a five guys cheeseburger in a fucking car park in a Volvo V40 with a squawking family

which is a close second it is a close second a lot of people say where do you want to go for your birthday Cheshire Oaks not even Cheshire oaks the coliseum which is the shit bit next to cheshire oaks in where elsmere port which is you know second only to new york and rotherham um well i wanted to do the road trip but i'd love to see New York. I'd also love to see LA.

But there's something in me that wants to go and do that. Talked about it ages ago, maybe even last year, about doing the NFL game, the college game, and a high school game, as long as I can,

that's obviously not something you can just wander up like, you know that, can I watch the children play? So. Is it not just ticketed, college football? College. It's a famous route you can follow in New York, isn know that? Can I watch the children play? So. Is it not just ticketed? College football? College.

It's a famous route you can follow in New York, isn't it? And like you stop at each bit and every bit is a famous prostitute murder. Right. That's a slightly different

holiday, isn't it? Yeah. What's it called? The sex route. Route 69. If you wonder why Adam went So quiet It was because he was cooking

That up Route 69 And there's Sam watching this going Oh! Another day ruined! I had that planned! Like this So I'd like to do the I'd like to do it But I think that's deep south Like this.

So I'd like to do the, I'd like to do it, but I think that's deep South. Somebody behind me wants to go to the South. I like, I know New York's fucking amazing. I want to go to Bumblefuck, Alabama and see what it's like.

Do you think you're welcome? Because yeah, I think, you know, yeah, because. White. I mean,

yeah. I don't know if they're. Would you put the accents on while you're there oh shit boy hell yeah hell yeah um no i think i'd lean into the the english thing definitely it's the one commodity in it when you're over there because how many are you british how many english people get in bumblefuck like I'm sure obviously those deep south states have had a horrific all joking aside history with civil rights and racism and well I'm sure it's what yeah got quite nasty Mississippi what it got bad doing a little here's the history of the you know what? It got bad.

Doing a little, here's the history of the, you know, his black history. Fucking got eggy there. Fine now though. Very much. They've had a march.

All good. That was just black history month to black history 37. Fucking nightmare. I tell you what, absolute fucking nightmare initially. Not good in the middle. Now, pretty sound.

Yeah, pretty sound. All right. I think we should go to New York as a team and do a New York live show. If a human because coronavirus is still here I suppose a human COVID

is kept under wraps or kept under the cosh as it sort of seems to be at the minute or being ignored whatever as long as there's no restrictions I think it's just sometime in 2022 be maintained isn't it basically

I think sometime in 2022 late 2022 we should go and try and do a New York live show can we not do podcast records too would you do like we do have a word podcasts with New York

with New York we'll hire a little studio in New York oh you sexy little cunts good thinking yeah just do a week of

hour long records bang them out put them on the Patreon patreon.com slash have a word pod what

I think we should try and do a New York live show late 2022 yeah I think that should be a goal from this moment on. Get a flight down to somewhere in the south

just to do one really gammy Bumblefuck Alabama live show. The fuck you talking about, boy? Say wag wag one more goddamn time. What the fuck is a lid? The fuck? I love how in your head we've managed to sell this place out to people who've never seen a moment of the podcast. Yeah.

I don't get it. I don't know what any of this means. Why would you say goodbye to someone and kiss them on the asshole? That don't make no goddamn sense. Who the fuck is this guest? Ishan Akbar?

Hell no, boy. He would be welcome. I don't think he'd get into the country. He'd be my first book in. Bumblefuck Alabama live show with Ishan. Dan, have you got a criminal record? Ooh. You can't get into New York with a criminal record or America in general. You haven't got Dan, have you got a criminal record? Ooh. You can't get into

New York with a criminal record or America in general. You haven't got one, have you? I feel like you have. What have you done? Why? What do you think I've done?

Sutton shit. Biggest pussy hole going. Yeah, but you just give off a vibe of someone who did Sutton once and then changed his life. Like you let your hedge

go too long into the next door neighbour and Sutton happened like that. Sorry, what? You think that's going to stop you getting in America? Being a selfish gardener? You've got a vibe

of someone who ran over a dog, panicked and reversed to make sure it was dead and couldn't tell its story. But you hit the owner when you reversed. So I killed someone

with my car. I got that vibe. That's quite a specific vibe, isn't it? Dan, you've got this vibe yeah that's quite a specific vibe isn't it Dan you've got this vibe murdery yeah murder with a car vibe

you have got a clean record though I've got a vibe of someone who was once in death and assaulted a bailiff right are you are you talking about your own vibes

because you literally give off that vibe and it would be for something so innocuous like yeah once I dropped some chewing gum

and then in the end after about 19 failed court appearances I had to kill a bailiff I blame Wrigley's so accurate yeah it is are you clean though

I give off the vibe of someone that could have got caught with drugs and i could have and then that would but i never dealt with drug dealers very rarely dealt with drug dealers because i freaked them out have you ever dealt with what the fuck you talking about in college me turning up to the safe house of some fucking Chechen drug lords. Hello, I honestly, what we had one dealer that basically said, don't bring that cunt again. Cause I tried to make too much small talk

and like be friendly. And they just wanted someone to be like, cause you got drugs, some drugs. I was like, hi, you all right? What are you having a good night? Like I was talking to him like, you know, like the over friendly guy With a taxi driver Had a busy night

Made any drug sales Bloody good Time you on till Time you on till Have a safe one Okay can I get a receipt please This will be tax deductible No I've never been good

With drug dealers So I basically I was the one who was like Should we get some drugs I don't know how to Would you Would you sell heroin Would I do

Would you sell heroin would i do would you sell i would sell heroin yeah who to smack it who's my circle of these these are my friends right now you lot and some of the other parents from my daughter's school get them addicted get them addicted i'll buy the other one off yeah and then I'll sell it off start a smack ring so you'll let me be part of the I'll go do I have to go to the Chechen drug lords they're always Chechen you can sell it to me at a small profit

and then I'll sell it to Finn and he can start the real heroin gang have we just invented the second version of county lines you'll buy it from the dealer then we'll get it in Liverpool, and then we'll pass it on to Welsh seaside towns. I don't think anyone's tried a pyramid scheme with smach. I think you've just described County Lines.

I'm not joking. What is County Lines? It's dealers in Liverpool getting teenage lads to go on the train to fucking Rill to basically make kids in Rill, get in debt to them, and then sell drugs in Rill. There's like 14, 15-year-olds rolling around with knives, selling weed, speed, pills, and coke in seaside towns. And you basically just accidentally came up with the business model. So what you're saying is it's a proven business model?

Yes, it works. It works? It definitely works. So why aren't we doing it? Have a way of drugs with the business model. So what you're saying is it's a proven business model? Yes, it works. It works? It definitely works. So why aren't we doing it? Have a way, drugs, new business venture. Or we write a sitcom about like the Sopranos in real with a load of 15-year-olds going, you fucking owe me weed money, prick.

With a South Wales accent because I can't do real. Would you sell drugs though if it lands on hard times? If the podcast was gone and Laura was gone. So Laura's gone, podcast's gone. Laura was gone. So Laura's gone. Podcast's gone. Laura's gone to do a podcast. What? Both are all gone.

No, no, no, not the first one. The second, what did he say? Podcast's gone. Oh! Yeah. We're all dead. Don't say that! Steve as well?

Holy shit. Steve killed us all and killed himself. Sort of makes sense. We should have just given him more hours what does he do murder so the job centre won't let you

won't let you the first one I'm used to the second one's upsetting I can rebuild a life not a pod go on so Laura's gone podcast's gone

job centre are like you don't qualify for anything anything you're handing your CV into like Greg's the bakers but they're like So Laura's gone. Podcast's gone. Job center are like, you don't qualify for anything. You're handing your CV in to like Greg's, the bakers, but they're like, you look like you at least all the pasties. No.

Your skin's horrible. Right? So would you then consider being a smack dealer? Could you live with knowing that you're getting people on the smack and ruining their lives the other option is amazon delivery guy I might try selling smack well that would be your cover wouldn't it

amazon amazon delivery guy and you just knock on the door you're like here's your copy of schreck 2 you want any smack why do you know what's in the package and then still take a picture of it here's your heroin can you just in the package and then still take a picture of it here's your heroin can you just stand back

please you need to take a picture of it I'm gonna oh yeah you weren't in I've had to leave your heroin

with the people at number 23 you put the maddest Amazon delivery drivers Shrek 2 there's your copy of Shrek 2 I know what's in there

packed it myself copy of Shrek 2 like it's not just available on every streaming service for free. No, I actually want a covered copy. It's a signed copy. A signed copy. Signed by Shrek.

Signed by Mike Myers. Oh, he was in Shrek. And Eddie Murphy. Oh, and Eddie Murphy. And Cameron Diaz. Okay. Signed by all three of them. And it's off Amazon.

They're the main ones And John Lithgow Yes Wasn't he a dark player? Oh John Lithgow And I mean this Fuck you Finn

Isn't he a dark player? John Lithgow Yeah Third dark from the What? Who do you think? Who's John Lithgow? Dark. Third dot from the... What? Who do you think? Who's John Lithgow? An artist.

An actor. An actor. Through the art of acting. An artist. Ridiculous. No. Because... Yeah, but you're making them happy.

They want smack. Oh, yeah. Sorry, yeah. You're providing a really important service. Not just smack. You can be like, I've got smack. Got a bit of MDMA.

Got a bit of coke. got a bit of weed. Those two don't sell together. Got a bit of ecstasy. Your knowledge of drugs is mental. One. It's just, hey, I've got two types of drugs. What are you into? Weed or heroin?

It's almost like drug addicts, like your perception of drug addicts is like, oh, like people choosing what they have for their tea when they're at the co-op. Oh, I had spag bol last night. I'll have pizza tonight. No, but you could do. It's not what drug addicts are like.

They're not like, do you know what? I've had smack Tuesday and Wednesday. Thursday, I'll have some MDMA. But you never know. No, I do know. You could do like a Christmas hamper of drugs. A mezze. Just to get you done with the holidays.

Like people are, oh, chili jam. Oh! Methamphetamine. I'll have this with some crackers. Yeah. you know from the holidays my people are oh chilli jam oh methamphetamine I love this with some crackers yeah I made to Butcher and I went to him

the other day he's putting like a he's putting like a Christmas hamper together from his Butcher's business and you get like sausages chicken breast lamb cutlets

you don't have all them on the same day you spread them out don't you it's the same with drugs it's just the same or do you want to don't you yeah same with drugs it's just the same or do you want to put like a goose in a chicken put some smack in some lemon or something yeah that's a good fucking yeah pulp fiction yeah um yeah so a nice little hamper a little drugs

hamper yeah obviously you you you you fill it out with The more expensive stuff, there's probably less of it. You know, like in a really good hamper, there might be a little pot of caviar if you're buying for a Tory nonce. But like, it's... Soup, loads of soup. Yeah. So the weed sort of packs it out a little bit.

Few bags of Lemo. You know, few bags of MDMA. Bags of MDMA? What's the caviar of drugs? I don't know. Is it? Yeah, probably probably i don't know yeah like pure coke flake thanks adam yeah dead pure yeah yeah not caught with any shite all right yeah like really expensive cheeses they get brought in from different places Yeah Oh this is a lovely Lovely Coke this Matured This is the brie of Coke

I went to brie as well It's weird that I know Yeah Good Coke Um Chair of an interval Starving Yeah let's have an interval

For Coke Adam get off your phone We're going to do a Manscaped ad I'm reading what Yeah, let's have an interval. For Coke. Adam, get off your phone. We're going to do a Manscaped ad. I'm reading what they want us to say. All right, we'll crack on. Ho, ho, ho, gentlemen. The holiday season is upon us. And this week's episode, like many others,

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They do. That was better than the high one. Dan's a great help with that, Bert. You shave your balls Your missus Will smoke at a pipe With her face A little bit more often And she could use it

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before we ease into this second of four wonderful sections on today's episode, I am on the way here today and on my way to the gym this morning. I go to the gym now because I'm hard and I'll punch your fucking head in. I put on

Paul McCaffrey and Sean Walsh's podcast called What's Upset You Now I'm telling you It's only a 15 minute podcast And they're occasionally I think going to start putting An hour long YouTube show up or something like that Yeah they are

Obviously I listened to three episodes They're really short and if you're looking for another funny podcast To add to your little podcast rotation or whatever, I haven't laughed that much at a British podcast ever. It's up there with every funny podcast. It's both of them just moaning. They do one a week that's just them.

And they do one a week where they have a guest on. Or it might be like one week it's just them. Every other episode has got a guest and every other episode is just them but it's so fucking funny and if you're looking for another podcast to listen to you can't do any better especially if you're looking for a really short one for little short journeys

or whatever, What's Upset You Now by Paul McCaffrey and Sean Walsh Paul will be fine on this as well two of my favourite people in comedy as well Paul will be so good on that couch Sean Walsh is already Hall Hall of Fame level for Hathaway and McAffrey will be amazed on this

when he eventually gets his arse in gear and comes to Duncan! Yeah. Good for them. God, I want them to do longer things though. I've not even listened

to it yet and I'm still like bugged by 15. That's their niche, isn't it? I know, but I don't know. Give me more.

It suits it, you know. Right. You'll see when you listen to it. Should we try and do a 15 minute episode and see if we can get out of second gear? Although actually,

the first 15 would have been fire today. I think we should do little short form snippets anyway. I think we should... Yeah. I think we should... Discuss this off.

What? I think we should rate all the fast food restaurants. Let's do that. Let's do that every week with the guests put your restaurants in your favorite order just a quick one for an instagram reel it's all about content is king we need to be diversifying the things have you got any questions i think just to add to that we should do something about whether it's a bap or whether it's a bomb what do you say what do you say what do you say i say fuck cake fuck can i have a chip for cake i have a chip for cake really no because everyone says it differently some and i honestly i was

seeing one girl that called it an abusive uncle she was like can i have a sausage abusive uncle and they were like wow we call it we call it we call it bomb cake here but she was like i call it an abusive uncle it's my daddy knew what she meant though she was in a greg's right and they didn't think so and she pointed to it she pointed to she pointed to a bread roll and went, can I have a sausage, abusive uncle? I asked for a steak slice once in Greg's and they were like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, no, no, no, no. I meant your pussy, Gizzy.

No, no, no, no. What was my first one? Whoa there, Missy. I can't remember what my first... I meant your pussy. What was it called? A foot cake. Foot cake.

Get your foot cake out out have a bacon foot cake see this would be five or fifteen minutes stop it just laugh at three have you heard about Adam and Dan's new podcast it's called

three minutes and thirty three seconds of I'm coming I've decided to say that word really badly so it's less offensive right yeah yeah yeah because I've decided to say that word really badly, so it's less offensive. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because you didn't actually say the word. No. Yeah. Wag wag lids. I very much do the cooking in my house with my missus, but every now and again, she decides that she wants to chip in with the odd meal for some reason.

Anyway, long story short, I basically had about two or three mouthfuls of this meal she cooked for us recently before I had to bite the bullet and tell her I couldn't eat any more because it was really that bad. I was just wondering if either of you have had sorry, I was just wondering

if you've ever had a fuck cake, alright. I was just wondering if either of you have ever been in a situation where the other half has made you a meal so inedible you couldn't eat it, and if so, how did you go about it? Did you just complain? Did you just tell her,

it didn't go down well in my house when I chucked pretty much all of it in the bin? Just clear my throat before I... Drop the fire. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Sam. My Mrs. Sam. My Mrs. Sam. My girlfriend, Sam.

Who I love very much. She is a really good cook. However, however, she is incapable of a roast dinner. Whoa. Now, as we all know, I've suffered for years with roasting and addiction. You've just gotten through, haven't you?

Yeah. Did you have some counselling about it? Good for you. Great self-improvement. Good luck on your journey. Councillor Toby. Hang on.

Hang on. Did you know there's a carvery? Famous chain of carvery is called Toby Carvery. I'm going to let you in on the secret that I was fully well aware and that's why I said it.

This guy. Pete Doherty being your heroin counsellor. Yeah, because he's been there, and he gets it. Right. Yeah, I know how good it is, lad. That's silly. Sam made a roast dinner, and the big mistake she made, first of all,

was that she didn't time it properly, which she has a problem with, which for a lot of meals, chefs will tell you. It's a well-known fact. Timing is not necessarily the most important thing. It's about just believing in yourself, freestyle and zha-ging it up.

Sorry. Zha-ging? Most chefs believe the most important thing in cooking is self-belief. I know when I can't Google it. Sorry. Zhaj? Most chefs believe the most important thing in cooking is self-belief. 100%. I know when I can't Google it, but you talk like you knew exactly what you're on about, but I'm going to have to call. Hang on.

Where is it? A little bit of bullshit on that. A lot of chefs will tell you it's self-belief. Zhaj, zhaj, zhoom. What I mean is Sam will make a curry from scratch, and you don't need to take a curry off at a specific time. The longer you leave it really, like the more flavour gets into the meat and all that sort of stuff.

However. You've just got to be like, do you know what? I am a good person and then it'll be right. You know what? You are beautiful and this curry is right. Words can't bring me down. Yeah. is right.

It's comping me down. Yeah. Stick Christina Aguilera on. Get the curry on and everything will be fine. Sam, you haven't turned the fucking oven on. Never mind that. The Alexa's playing Christina.

You are beautiful. And you've got Salmonella. Yeah. So she makes things that don't require timing to perfection. A roast dinner needs to be timed like a military drill. Whenever I make a roast dinner, I write a big list down, right? So we're aiming for dinner to be ready at 7 p.m.

So therefore the roasties need to go in at 6.12. Because they need 40 minutes and 8 minutes, like, for fucking around. A little bit of breathing space. You've got to time it perfectly. She fucked up the timing. Everything was cold. Then she tried to make her own gravy, which was just carrot soup. And she poured carrot soup all over a cold roast dinner.

Gave me an ISA, because I'm sound as fuck. was just carrot soup and she poured carrot soup all over a cold roast dinner gave me i s here because i'm sound as fuck and then a few days later she was like i'm gonna make a roast again at the weekend i was like you're fucking not we need to talk about it now you've had a bit we'll have a bit of space 48 hours yeah i was like that was one of the worst things i've ever tasted in my entire life and you're never to make a roast in it again she tried to make another one that weekend she's like i'm gonna show you twat and was like, you're using fucking Bisto, girl. You're not making that fucking soup shite again, which was also cold.

She didn't even eat the fucking soup up, gravy soup shite, whatever. So she made another one that weekend, and it was slightly more passable, but it was still shit. So, yeah, you just got to be honest with these people. You need to give a little bit of time, a little bit of breathing space.

Oh, this is all right, this babe, like that. Then a few days later, when there's no emotion in it and she's not emotionally attached to the effort she's put into the dinner. Is this couples counselling today for you? What? Is this couples counselling today? I think he's, to be fair, he comes across as quite hard work a lot of the time. But that is actually the best way to deal with that.

Don't complain while the food is in front of you yeah this is what she's just put the effort into that so she's emotionally connected i've worked all when that gets two days later she knows it's shit she knows she's fucked up she's eating it she is wait as you if you go if you just thing like a child, like... Why? Like, it's going to cause a massive fucking argument. I'd rather eat a fuck cake. A stale fuck cake. Yeah, but 48 hours.

That was shit. It's been forgotten. There's no emotional investments in the food anymore. It's been and gone. And what makes it worse is Sam knows, because I'm not a great cook, but I'm great at what I can cook. Yeah.

I can't cook everything great, but the stuff... You put a niche. Do you know what I mean? So yesterday I made a bolognese from scratch. Honestly, up there were the top three bologneses of all time. Right. I reckon the first time they nailed it in Italy, one that Gino De Campo did on this morning

and then mine. I reckon that's probably the top three. That's the top three. All Italians know that as well. Yeah. And do you know what my secret ingredient is?

The green peppers that she doesn't like. Four. Give her a rash. I'm really good at messy food like a sandwich or a burger

chicken wings I can do all that shit and also my pièce de résistance is is is being a

pissed Frenchman my Pierre Pierre Van Hoydonk my my Pierre Van Hoydonk my Rude Van Nistelrooy

is yeah it's it's roast dinners. Right, okay. Because of that, Sam knows that I'm used to, and my mum, God bless her, she was the queen of roast dinners. That's what she was known as around Liverpool. She walked down the street and people were like, I like queen. That's the queen of Scotty Doe's.

Yeah, queen of roast dinners. Queen of roast dinners, yeah. People would come into the street sometimes just walking past with like buckets of spuds

and be like what do I do bless them saints aren't Ave Maria you need to peel those bastards get on me

yeah she's passed that down to me. She's got a font of Bistock. Yeah. So now they call me King Rowe. Steez. I made my eyes water. I made my fucking eyes water.

She got live at the Apollo. So, is it about the honesty, but with a bit of due diligence with timing? Just like, it's like if something horrible happens, time makes things easier, doesn't it? Time heals.

Time heals. Let it heal, and then be horrible about it. That stuff you made was shite, and that's okay, because it was two days ago. If that doesn't work, try again.

Your grandad's dead wasn't funny at the time it is now two days two days you've had 40 I was he was a cunt

what I would say is that is so Laura cleans the house and has this weird thing of not doing the last 5%

I've never seen I've never seen anything. You go in the living room, you're like, wow, this is clean and tidy. But the Hoover is still out and the lead's fucking everywhere. You're nearly there. You're nearly there.

Every time the mop and bucket comes out, I'm talking like literally four out of five times the mop and bucket comes out, the floor is mopped to an excellent standard. Admitted of five times the mop and bucket comes out the floor is mopped to an excellent standard admittedly better than when i've mopped the floor but what i do when i mop the floor is put the fucking mop and bucket away it's like she can't do the last bit so today i as i was leaving she put the curtains over the edge of the couch and over the cupboard and that is international sign of

I'm going to mop. She's getting the, because the curtains go down to the floor. And I was like, oh my God, this is my time. Because she hadn't just done it. We'd had a nice morning. We were getting on.

We were getting on most of the time. She'd done that little thing with my dick that was upsetting. Hello, I'm done with my little mouse dick. Whoa. I should have done her vagina like Hello I'm not a vagina Imagine if I'd have done that Yeah

Hello Cha Cha Upset me Oh shit Cha Char Upset me Oh shit Char Like something off Big Mouth You're doing good guys Hello I'm not a vagina

Don't worry about the hair loss in places I got a piece of the pom pom Alright darling Oh my god it'd be great if she had a New York vagina Oh my god That's a New York Jew vagina oh my god that's a new york jew vagina as well no it's um it's uh joey's agent still yeah she's jewish isn't she yeah oh my god damn it's a stealth oh god come around april time i'm gonna be open for you

i can't i can't fit you in before then, sweetheart. What happened with the mopping? Yeah, sorry. Sorry, I'll get back to being factual. That's why everyone's like, Dan, enough of that. The rate at which we can go from Monday. Stop personifying your wife's biff. Because it's just not what we're here for, Dan.

Tell us about... Household chores. I just thought, this is my opportunity, because she's not done it. So if I get back, every time I get back and the mop's out, I want to be like, why don't you finish the job? And I know that would involve her being fuming and maybe twatting me with a mop, right?

But it hadn't happened yet. So I was like, do you know what, babe? You're mopping up today. And she went, yeah. It was a really tense moment. I moment i was like by the way i'd have punched your head in with that question you're mopping today yeah because there's it's such a loaded question do you know what sam did last night when she come in and i'd slaved away all day on me bolo she went because i gave it a little taste of it when did you put the red wine in timing isn't it now if she'd asked that question 48 hours later i honestly nearly like threw a vat of bolognese so this is the mop isn't there

this is all this is all a future hypothetical at the moment isn't it there's no mop i went you're mopping today? She went, I literally saw her go, like, instantly go defensive and be like, yeah. And I tried not to laugh. I was like, I'll give you £10 if you put it away again when you finish. You fucking dick. But because she'd not done it, she was like, oh, you dick. I was like, finish the job.

Finish the job. You do a great job. Nearly to the end you should right this is what I consider tidy I've said it before

like someone's viewing the house if someone if you were renting your house or selling it you wouldn't go oh clean up

obviously you want to make the sale let's just leave the hoover in the middle of the fucking rug lead out no you'd be like oh that doesn't look good

that's how it should be done I love you babe please don't leave me if you've got someone viewing your house you should be on the couch doing what you were doing the house to show how the house works so like if i ever sell one of my houses i'm gonna sit there in my undies watching friends eating watsits from a share bag like look great great great seat to eat watsits from a share bag and watch friends this if you've got an airbnb and you're trying to sell it for inflated, ridiculous prices, and you can't be arsed hoovering around your shit-hole flat just because you've got somewhere in the city centre,

sort your fucking life, you scratty cunt. Actually, it's a Cardiff city centre. It's £129 an hour. Hoover the fucking rug, you pig. Oh, if you're trying to rent an house. Yeah! I thought you meant, like, selling your house. Yeah.

Like that as well? No, if you're trying to rent it out. I thought you meant like selling your house. Yeah. Cause I think that as well. No, you're selling your house, make it messy as fuck. I'd be like, if you can't handle me at my waist, you don't deserve it. I'm not buying you.

No, the house. Yeah. I'm personifying. If you can't handle this house at the, at its worst, which is like this, you don't deserve it at its best.

And while we're at it, if you're making homemade porn, turn the fucking telly off. You scy cunts make the porn over the floor i literally watch porn going oh move them fucking cups how how long before you made this porn scene since you've fucking washed that duvet cover scratchy twats and you think think fresh bedding for porn? I just, sometimes in porn you're like,

why have you got that, like, in my head I'm like, just tidy your room, and then fuck. You like it real? Do you tidy your bedroom every time you go to pound town?

It does feel better if I have a tidy bedroom, wonk. I feel like, oh, you deserve this. You deserve this, and he's like,

yeah, yeah, fucking do it. I don't mean on your own. Yeah, do it. Do it. But like, oh, you deserve this. You deserve this. And he's like, yeah, fucking do it. I don't mean on your own. Yeah, then I do. Like a little hangover bonk with your missus. You want the bedroom to be messy? You want to feel dirty? I like the same thing in porn. I want it to look like a crack den. Well, you want dirty sex as in your undercrackers from

last week are on the floor. Yeah. No, that's not the dirty I like. That's a bit in my ear. I made that up. That's never happened oh my god you ain't getting here till fucking july babe question yeah did you hear me apologize to my wife just briefly there in the middle of that going oh sorry babe about the mop and bucket i don't think that's the bucket she's going to be annoyed about um harry robinson says i'm the best emailer you're right hurry you are it's happening lids the have a word brand is constantly expanding into new territories you've had jamali on the couch who's done some phenomenal documentaries for vice

where he spent time with hate groups and religious fringe groups And Piggoted also touches on people with mad beliefs. If you could do a Louis Theroux-esque Have A Word project where you had to spend a week with a group of subsection of people like a cult hate group or some daft cunts like Flat Earthers, who would you go film with? Who would be your choice for the documentary keep up keep up taking over

the fucking game Pari Robbo AIDS sufferers AIDS sufferers Amish AIDS sufferers Amish AIDS sufferers the Amish AIDS community the Amish AIDS community

where are they Lincolnshire where are they where are you finding them it's by the RAF in Lincolnshire right next question that must piss you off that must piss you off if you Where are they? Where are you finding them? It's by the RAF in Lincoln. Right. That must piss you off.

That must piss you off if you're Amish. Isn't it? Being next to a fucking airbase. Because you've rejected all technology. Oh, is that where they actually live? Is there a big Amish community in Lincoln? Is that real? I thought they all lived around Ohio. No, but you just said the first thing you can think about with Lincoln, can't you?

Yeah, the RAF. You went Lincoln, RAF. And I just imagine a farmer that has refused tractors and all technology having to deal with a fucking jet fighter going over. Why have they done that? Why have they fucked technology off? Because they think it's evil.

It's impure. So not only have is made by technology no they're basically like 19th century do they have wooden houses 18th century

how do they cut the wood down with a big axe right like they use stuff they've got horses haven't they yeah

technology horses tech horses no like real horses no like real horses no but they've got like awesome carts haven't they that's how they get about

they've got tools yeah so everything they've got they've made not made like they I don't know whether they

do they have money I think they're just is it like I think they don't use money they use sexual favours they suck each other off for like goodies

castles and that yeah that's what happens if you don't have social media you use sexual favours. They suck each other off for like... Curries, casseroles and that. Yeah. That's what happens if you don't have social media. You nosh people off for grain. Classic. He said they suck each other off for casserole. That's a good one. It's because he's got food in his head.

Is that casserole done? I don't like casseroles, actually. You wouldn't be sucking people off them, would you? No. Then it was stupid. Let's be honest. If we had to do a documentary and we had to choose... So, we're doing one of those split documentaries where we're not doing it as a group.

We're each going out on our own with a camera person. Trying to find common ground between two groups. So where, but we get to decide where the other people go. So me and Adam decide where Carl goes. Carl and I decide where you go. You two can decide where I go. So where do we want to send Carl?

What's going to make good documentary style TV? Sending Carl. Who does Carl? Fucking eight. Cause you don't want to, you don't want to send Carl somewhere where he's like really enjoying it. TV. Sending Carl. Who does Carl fucking hate? You don't want to send Carl somewhere where he's really enjoying it. Carl doesn't like the gays. Famously.

So where do you send them, me? Canal Street in Manchester? To do a documentary? I think the gays would fucking love you. You can go for it you was Canal Street in Manchester named because it's C anal you are dying to ask

you've asked this question on this podcast before have I? yes this is in your mind it's a street with a canal and you know it do you know with anal street I think it's a bit too much

you know because this is where all the gays have traditionally hung out since like 16th century Manchester anal street the gays have always been here

it's been handed down from gay to get generation to generation gay son gay father handed down doesn't work like that does it

I think we should send Carl where's Carl going where am I going well first of all you're going to negotiate a trade deal on the Russian-Chinese border. Oh. Yeah.

AIDS. Like that good one. AIDS. AIDS. And you've got to learn both languages. Oh, no. Oh, God. I haven't even learned Scouse yet.

Oh, the worst worst Where is that border Is that Siberia Oh you horrible cunts P.S. No No talks needed Cause they are both A bunch

Of murderous twats Who get on Really well China's like Alright lad You're horrible as well Russia's like Yeah you're a bunch of cunts

Let's do it together Why did you need One of their accents Why was china's ghost because of china town left bill biggest china town in the world by the way oh yeah except for china china's like oh yeah that's china country hey just tell you need human rights we make fucking quality jar kits do you want to be good? Fucking eight wiggers Wigger Muslims Oh Wiggers Wiggers

Wiggers Wigger Wiggers Yeah That's my Scouse accent Yeah Scouse sign would be good wouldn't it? A little palpitation there

Just for a second It was just not the word I was expecting to come out of your mouth. Where am I going? You didn't decide where I'm going? Oh, I know what Carl hates. Dyslexic Liverpool fans. I know what you're going to say as well. Carl is going to live in a small village.

Yeah. He hates it. He hates mundaneity. Is that the right word? Huh? Mundaneity? Carl is going to live in a small village. Yeah. He hates it. He hates mundanity. Is that the right word? Huh? Mundanity? Yeah, mundanity.

Mundanity, I'd say, but yeah. Yeah. He hates, like... I hate the mundanity. I hate mundanities. I don't know. Mundanities, we're here. Tell me why. That song is about a school shooter.

Do you know about that? What? Tell me why I don't like mud. That's about a school shooter it's not it is because he didn't like monday morning so he went and shot everyone i genuinely i'm so bad with lyrics i don't hear them i really feel like that that has made me feel like partridge you know do you remember in alan partridge where he's like i love that you too song because sometimes you think sunday bloody sunday it's inspired by a school shoot yeah yeah how do you not get like i know Do you remember in Alan Park's room, he's like, I love that U2 song, because sometimes you think Sunday, bloody Sunday.

It's inspired by a school shoot. Yeah? Yeah. How do you not get, like, I know you're not saying you don't hear the lyrics. The second verse is basically like, I shot everyone dead, and they're all dead, and I'm happy about it. I just thought that's how annoyed he was at work on a Monday. Tell me why I don't like Mondays, because there's shit on there.

I shot them in the face in the morning killed them with a machine gun no you see I'd have got that if the lyrics were that tell me why I don't like Mondays I will because I shot loads of people in the face with a gun with a gun on a Monday Dan do you

understand this song I shot them with a gun in the face. It wasn't a machine gun from before. Yeah, Monday night. So you just want to live where I live? No, no, I don't want to live there. No, that's it. Are we just...

No, no, no, no, no. Because you're close enough to a city. It's cheeky. Ten minutes from Chester, ten minutes from Cheshire Oaks Half an hour from Liverpool Do you know what Carl ate? Come on bro

He ate places where you could go to your neighbour You go into the pub tonight And you both know the pub Because there's one pub And the shop And That is my village No it isn't

I know but I know what you mean You mean miles away from anything Yeah But what you just said is that We've got one pub, one shop, one pharmacy Like the butcher sent you the Christmas card. One Asian guy. Yeah.

Fucking die. Like the butcher's called Keith, and you know that, and you know his middle name. When you know the butcher's middle name is Bartholomew, that's a problem for Carl. Either that. Oh, to have a butcher's. Or send me to fake busy London. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, I'm on a fucking tube.

Oh, no, they're not on a tube. Train. They're in Starbucks just plugging the laptop in fuck off I've got a start up remember those two cunts on the way down to Antipel the fashion designer

and this woman she was just a woman who liked clothes I think a model but they were having such a one-up you conversation. Very loudly. Oh, like literally, me and Carl talking like this because we was on a train and he's like,

oh, well, you know, grew up in Liverpool, the widow really, but yeah, for work. They basically was like, you can work from home. And I was like, well, I might as well spend a decade in milan he said it in that voice yeah pretty much and he had a stupid outfit i'm spending a decade in milan yeah all that and he's like but yeah i'm on my way to london and he had his laptop out the entire time he's having a full conversation not once did he not type the The laptop's off. Bob Mortimer's train guy is so beautifully done. That too he was.

Yeah, and I've never really, I haven't done loads of London, like North to London trains. We used to get them on the Transpennine Express. People are like, yeah, great. Oh, tell him to action that. Get back to me. We've really got to think outside the box on this. He's like, no, but we're going through Staley Bridge. It doesn't make sense. Tell him to action that. Get back to me. We've really got to think outside the box on this show.

No, but we're going through Staley Bridge. It doesn't make sense. Stop talking like you're not this. You got on at Huddersfield. Fuck off pretending that you're an international man of business. Someone went, what's the economic forecast? I went, that's just what's the price. Drizzle.

Yeah. No, she said, so what's coming next in the world of fashion? And he was like, well. And as soon as he said, well, me and Carl were like, oh, I think it's hats. Hats are going to be big soon. Bigger shoes. But he was like, well, I'm pretty sure he said, the next season, jackets. I'm like, well, I'm pretty sure he said, the next season, jackets. It's like, what the fuck are you talking about? You haven't invented jackets.

What's coming next in the world of fashion? Well, it is late October, early November, so scarves. Oh, and here's my favourite bit. I don't even know if we spoke about this because we were just laughing about everything else. But he looked, to all intents and purposes like a very gay man right he had like a dyed reddish pinkish hair colorful like a uh a one earring with a cross on the t-shirt that says i love carp his t-shirt was like tie-dye and like a dress over jeans but then it was like he was play it when he he mentioned he had a wife to this woman but he said it in a way that was like you don't believe this he was

like yeah so uh yeah i was in milan for you know that's what we were doing working for my own money my wife what like Borat as if she was going to go no but your your entire appearance

screams cock in the arse this was on the Liverpool to Houston I'm not joking I'd already have

a bit about this cut in my set he's well the reason I haven't spoke about it on this is because I'm going to do it.

Ah, yeah, too much. She said, like, what's the economic avenue forecast or something? And I was like, that means, how much is it? I can imagine you just being like, pfft. We were sitting there making that noise. Imagine if you just made that noise, like, what do you think the fashion-wise,

what do you think the next growth sector is for the clothing industry? Patches on elbows. Gob-shite Olympics. Gob-shite Olympics. So we're sending Carl. Fuck the small village. Do you know what?

We're sending Carl to be his PA oh yeah why is this that's a sort of punishment I'd kill him he'd be dead Anton

who's your new assistant well let me tell you I had some assistants in my time in Milan 10 years working from home actually it was

me pet cat but my new assistant Carl he's actually got Tourette's because he keeps cat but my new assistant carl he's actually got tourette's because he keeps me and keeps doing that but he's actually disabled and we are so pro disabled a lot of people see me and think you're not pro disabled but i am look at carl beautiful to look at makes farting sounds with his face i'd show him i told my wife my wife who has a vagina hello kids what kids, what are you up to? I fucked up with my penis. Hey, I love pussy.

And then just call it. Where are we sending me? Africa, innit? Yes, I'll go and talk to the Africans, see if I can help them. That was a little too close to the age joke from before, so apologies. The Africans.

Hello, the Africans. Hello, Africa. I've come to talk about your AIDS. Send me to, like, the African outback, and I'll just... African outback? The jungle. What the fuck are you talking about?

Hello, smiley. Where's your outback? It is in Australia, you stupid cunt. No, other countries have outbacks. I know, but they don't call them out. The Rwandan outback isn't a thing. The Rwandan jungle is a thing. Well, tell me to the jungle. You mean the sticks? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

skem of Rwanda. Alright, Rwanda, where's the skem of Rwanda? And all the R's the Skelmersdale of Rwanda And all the Rwandans Like Older old lad Hey I've not heard

Of that a lot of places In the north west of England But we've heard Of fucking Skem Tootsie roll The Rwandan Skem Is Burundi Burundi

Where you going there On a Monday Come on Burundi on a Monday Burundi on a Monday Oh wait Hey Burundi. Burundi? Where are you going now on a Monday? Come on. Burundi on a Monday. Burundi on a Monday. Oh, hey. Burundi on a Monday. Shrewsbury on a Tuesday

and Sheffield on a Wednesday. And if you're a Brummie, Dubai on a Friday. It needs longer. It's gone down. it literally sums up the conversation i had with my sister she just went to a wedding last week my sister's been like you know like oh the podcast doing well she doesn't quite believe me it's good doing well she went to a wedding and everyone came up to me your brother's podcast man it's amazing isn't it it's everywhere it's massive and she's now having conversations with me like it's big innit?

But there's a real surprise and in moments like that I sort of know what she means Dubai on a Friday Biggest Patreon in the UK Shall we have a break and get Bobby Mayer in? Yeah Fair one.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We interrupt this week's broadcast of the Have a Word podcast to ask you for a favour. Could you do us a favour? Could you drop us a comment? Could you like it if you're watching on YouTube? Could you share all this with your friends? And make sure you're subscribed.

And if it's on YouTube, bring the bell too. You'll get notified every time we drop an episode. And that's fantastic for you. And we're on social media as well. So follow us at Have A Word Pod on all good social media platforms. And if you do follow us on social media and you see one of our videos, fucking share it.

A lot of hard work goes into them and it helps spread the word and we'd really appreciate it. Nice one. Go ahead. Right. Hi, Ed. Nice. Hi, welcome back. Welcome back.

Part three of four. We're joined today... Why are you doing little parts? Part three of four. Looking forward to four. I'm going to make this six sections now. Just on purpose. You don't give a fuck.

Bobby Mays here. Thanks for coming in lads yeah it's fine my wife is six weeks away from giving birth so i really i'm good to leave let's do it sweetie i have to go to a podcast it's three hours away goodbye six weeks i i feel like you only told me about this not that i was one of your first calls listen you would have been you would have been top 50 you would have been the top 50 so it wasn't that long ago no not at all that you told people no because you can't you don't want to tell people right away because then if you have a miscarriage then you have to be like oh yeah yeah that's not happening now yeah

did you do that did you keep it all secret oh yeah right for like three months isn't that isn't that like a cutoff point where people are like three months is it three months you can't tell people before that's 12 it's the 12 or 13 week scan yeah and if ever if your baby's not like in the womb yeah everything's fine yeah and if it's still in there i don't i'm explaining okay good stop talking but that's the point where if it's still how does a baby come alive when do you know how do you know? The magic happens. Okay. But that's the point where things can be wrong and they can find out that scan.

So after that, so like I found out that Steve Chaniasky is having a baby and he told me after six weeks, he was just like, we went for a curry, a couple of us a few months ago. He was like, can I just tell you something?

Just as I was leaving, he was like, it's been great. can i just tell you something just as i was leaving he was like it's been great can i just tell you something we're having a baby and i haven't told anyone and i need to say it to another human and you're my mate and you've got kids and i'm telling you and i went oh mate that's super fucking excited and then there's that awful thing of like but you can't tell anyone because it might not be all right and then i got a message a couple of weeks ago going just had the 13 week scan everything's sound we're telling everyone super excited i really thought you're gonna say something else yeah i was doing that on the podcast i often tell instagram when i've had a shit i'm gonna struggle to not tell anyone for weeks.

Well, when Laura got pregnant for the first time, she was like, right, so this is what happens. 13 weeks gone and then you can tell it. But obviously I'm going to tell my sisters, my brother. I've got to tell so-and-so, so-and-so, so you can tell so-and-so. We told 25 fucking people instantly. Yes.

So I don't know. That can go wrong, can't it, boy? I think I'm going to tweet it. You know when I start trying for a kid? I'm going to tweet when I've come. Pretty sure. I landed that one. Pretty sure we've boxed it up.

I made a fucking leg wobble on that one. Landed. That's how you know they've conceived. Fucking hell. Oh, they're having a fit. Jesus Christ, it's twins. George Best. No, when he was like jinking down the wing.

Right. So congratulations, Bobby. Thank you. Congratulations on your... This is your first baby. That I know of, yeah. I mean, who the fuck knows? I could have a 13-year son in northern Canada let's hope not

yeah but if I did actually the best like as someone because I'm adopted so I met my biological family later in life and I think you know if I hope if I do like accidentally have another child it's when i was 19 because by now the kids 16 yeah almost all the hard work is done all the cost has already exactly meet them when i'm 45 that wouldn't be so bad no that'd be fucking excellent yeah yeah oh yeah you want you want to meet the so when you were doing a tour of like northern canada and blew a load up some fucking groupie yuck yucks you want to meet them when they're like 26 and in gainful employment dad i've got something to tell you i've been through college already and you don't owe me anything you never have to wipe their ass but

one day they might wipe yours exactly you just you but you have to put in a lot of leg work as an adult with your adult kid to get them to want to wipe your ass you can't just turn up with your ass house and just be like all right lads just so you know this is your problem i i've thought that before you know because when i was a single man i wasn't um i wasn't picky or safe with where i put my dick you were just Everywhere. Yeah. The wall of heebie-jeebies. Yeah. Like there could be little rowies out there.

Were you finishing in the lady? I think sometimes when I was drunk I would do that, yeah. That's good, isn't it? That's really good. Like a little scratch card.

Let's see if this goes wrong. You know you can only get pregnant like six days a month though. Yeah. That's what they never tell you when you're a teenager. Like yes, just come inside of her six, six days of the month, though. Yeah. That's what they never tell you when you're a teenager.

Like, yes, just come inside of her six, 25 days of the month is fine. But it'd be really sinister if Adam on a night out was like, listen, I fucking like you and I want to come back to you, but where are you in your menstrual cycle? You off your list. Because I'm telling you what, it better be one of the good 24 days, otherwise you can fuck off. Do you know one time, this is 100%

true, so as I say every time he says it I'm like I was never ever sort of a picky drunk fuck guy, I'd be like you wanna fuck me? Fantastic Great news. Just looking for any validation

Have you gotten pickier over the years 100% yeah yeah I can tell you he has with great power comes great responsibility

with the ability to fuck sevens comes great responsibility you're in league one now kid yeah her boat your best mate's the linesman You're in league one now, kid. Your best mate's the linesman. Her bone structure is solid. No one would look at her and think there's any deformities.

You are my wife. So here's the thing. I was never like... But one time time I had a condom with me and I went to put it on. This is all true. I went to put it on. She was like, you don't need that. And I left.

Cause I was like, if you're actively encouraging men to not put condoms on, then God fucking knows what's going on in here. Oh yeah. The kind of people that want you to have sex without a condom are never the people you want to fuck without a condom that is definitive yeah what you want in a perfect world is it to be like have you got a condom you're like i haven't

she's like fine that's perfect yeah that is the perfect one night stand oh right it's like oh no i'm already turned on if you get a condom out and she's like get that out of my fucking bedroom throwing like really hard pillowcases at you get out no i but i have to admit when you were saying that i was like i would not have left there no i did I had such a moment of Oh ho ho I could feel me dick getting itchy Just from being in the same room At that stage So congratulations on your first child

I'm fine We've just been trying to get round to saying I'm sick of Like I'm sick of being like Not that Congratulated Because it's like It's either like

Are you excited And it's like I mean no I have six weeks Until I'm not going to sleep ever again. And I just have to, like, hang out with a baby. Like, of course I'm not that excited. Like, it's good.

Look, I'm excited to love this kid and do everything that goes along with that. Yes. First bit of shit, though. Of course it is. You know, I'm a caretaker. I'm going to be a caretaker for months before this thing smiles at me.

But then on the other side, there's the people who are like, don't have you know you're talking about the baby then or your wife i'm talking about the baby definitely i'm talking about the baby but yeah my wife great lady but the people who i hate are the comics who we all know who are always like, don't have kids. It'll ruin your life. And it's like, listen, I knew you before comedy and before you had kids and your life sucked.

Like you have a shit life. You, yeah. You just missed waking up at 11 AM. Like, fuck off. Don't pin this on the kid. You were already pitching a fucking five out of 10.

Yes. Yeah. I totally get what he's saying now. Like, I want to be a father one day, but I'm not excited about the baby bit. It just feels like, having a baby feels like the baby bit. That's the gym for when you get the good body.

Do you know what I mean? It's not fun. You're not enjoying it. But eventually it'll be worth it because you'll be thinner yeah we are talking about my life so directly at the moment i literally tried to get my seven month old baby asleep this morning so i could get a nap before i came to the podcast and he was kicking off and i went all right you knobhead and then just had to move him and go laura

it's hard work at the moment they can't tell you what's annoying them you're definitely tired it is just a bit shit but then there's moments where you're like oh fuck this

this is you love them it's weird they're like you know your best mate who you definitely love but he's a bit of a bellend on a night out

it's like that you're like I do love them yeah he always calls his shit it's like Adam's the baby yeah there's elements of that I definitely want to it's like that you're like I do love them yeah he always calls his shit it's like Adam's the baby yeah

there's elements of that I definitely want him to be his dad but I'm looking forward to his 12th birthday do you reckon scientific advances will ever get us

to the point where when babies come out they're just four and can talk or they come out you give them a bit of growth hormone and they're like

fucking hell dad how are you that'd be great speaking english what's speaking english in romania yeah what what if it was in romania no you there's a serum in the oh it teaches them you made that silly then it's stupid what is that silly if we gave birth to five-year-olds. Not for the women. I told you it wouldn't be good for her. I don't know.

Oh my God. They seem to complain about birth pain now. If a five-year-old was coming out, I'm not sure. It's got like shoes on. There's the one thing I am excited about because people are like, are you excited for the baby? I'm not.

Because you know, after you have a kid, apparently there's a conversation where they say and you know you can't have sex for six weeks that's like a classic conversation with a doctor and I really want that to happen and I am excited about that just so I can say can I still go down on her

I mean that's it's seen a lot of trauma I'd really like to give it some love and my mouth is the best thing to do that please. lot of trauma. I'd really like to give it some love. And my mouth is the best thing to do that, please. Oh, my God. I just want to say that to a doctor after you watch my life. That's what excites me.

You could get something stuck in your teeth and accidentally take the stitches out. People eat that placenta. That's a meal. Too far. All of it. Too far! I'd love to see that doctor's face, you know. Can I still go down on it?

Is it just me dick that's caught and no entry clause on it? You're just hoping for, like, doctors and nurses with a good sense of humour. Yeah. The anaesthesiologist at Laura's birth literally had YouTube going, oh, you have a podcast. Oh, yes, I see. Yeah, it's good. It's from Nottingham. That's very good, very good. Was. Oh, yes. I see. Yeah, it's good. He was from Nottingham.

That's very good. Very good. Was Laura like, I know, I know. I think I know. Andy Rowe. Was Laura like, can we stop talking about your fucking podcast?

She was juddering with the amount of painkillers and like, she'd had so much, not like, it's not methadone, is it? Smack. And it's Nottingham. She was like, she'd had so much pa not like, it's not methadone, is it? Smack. And it's not.

She was like, she'd had so much painkiller that she was like shuddering. Do you mean morphine? Yeah, something very strong. And they were just about to cut her open. And he was like, it's on YouTube. Audio as well. I was like, yeah, we've got a patron. Oh, yeah, there you are.

Shit you don't want to hear when you're just about to be cut open it literally happened just like that you're hoping that then we were doing bits it was great fun it was great it was like i'll give it a bit more do you want something it's good i can't give you anything it's good we need all this methadone for all the oh it's not methadone What's it called Morphine

It's not just It's not called morphine Dianmorphine It's called diamorphine That's what it is Well that was the one Where she went from being like I heard so much

To 22 minutes later She was like Golden brown Check your legs on I'm like you alright babe She's like Fucking boss Scouse as well

Yeah she went scouse Weird that did it Not from the film No I'm like, you all right, babe? She's like, fucking boss. Scouse as well. Yeah, she went scant. Weird, that, innit? Not from the film. No. I'm nottingham. Scouse diamorphic. What? I've just been stupid.

Yeah, you're good. That's what we do, innit? What's gigging in Northern Canada like? Press the button. Yeah, press the button. How long have you been in the UK? Ten years. Let's just soften that up a little bit all right welcome thank you where are your papers um what i i i've heard some legendary road stories from like guys like glenn wool and craig campbell about two fucking

comedians getting stuck in a car and driving for sort of a month and a half around the tour of like northern canada and doing all these dates and it's made it all like almost like romanticized it yeah i went and did one of those tours once and then i thought i'm gonna leave this fucking country and i came here it's so bleak you're just driving like thousands of miles to entertain rednecks and it sucks that's the tour you want to do anything for that's it i honestly i'm at the point now where just to try and compete with adam's tour i will put tour dates in anywhere i've added another tour date i'm like, literally he's put the 800 seat in an Isle of Man and then I've put in the 200 like, yes, Isle of Man.

If honestly, fuck Knuckleville Northern Canada, I'd be like, bumfuckle Alabama and also Nova Scotia sounds good. Yeah, Nova Scotia is great. You can buy a house there for like $10,000. And then double it up with Vancouver. That's one night. No, but people always say

Canada as if it's one country. Like, it people always say, people always say Vancouver, like Canada as if it's one country. Like it is one country, but like. It might as well be six. It might as well be six. I've never been to Vancouver and people are always like, you've never been to Vancouver?

And it's like, it's farther away from where I grew up than we are from Moscow right now. Have you ever been a thousand miles east of Russia or Moscow? I think it's kind of the second biggest country in the world. Yeah, next to Russia. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? So Vancouver's off. That's British Columbia in it. Yes. That way. West. So you're from? I'm from Ontario, which is the middle-ish.

Okay. Right above Michigan. When people say rednecks, you're like, in my head, that's such a southern United States thing. Canada's like 10 cities and a bunch of snow rednecks snow redneck i just made that up i don't really know if that's a term south of america's dead off the north of canada's frabs freeze so they get rednecks i don't know if that's the reason to it needs to hang on.

It needs the space to breathe as an awful joke, yeah. I don't think it needs that much breathing. You know, you've had a clanger when you can hear Finn typing. Actually heard Finn typing. That's the, basically. I haven't enjoyed my time at Have A Word, but I will be moving on. I've seen a video a couple of years ago.

Glenn Wall, another Canadian comic who we've had on the couch before. He went back home to Canada, and I'm pretty sure it's in the Northern Territories, and it was so cold. He had a cup of coffee, and he was outside, and he threw it, and it immediately became like snow and ice out of a coffee, a boiling hot coffee. As soon as he had the cup, it was, that's how cold it was. Yeah, well, they were doing that, I think the winter before last,

it was quite, it went viral, didn't it? That people in like Minnesota were like, oh my God, you just get a pan of boiling water and just throw it like that. And then it went viral and then some fuckwit in Arizona tried it. Yeah. And it didn't work. But there's three children there. We want snow.

You burned my face, mummy! Mummy! The skin graft of the dog. Do you ever go back? Yeah, like once a year. Yeah? Yeah. I had to go back after COVID.

Like, I had to go back about a month ago because my family googled it and found out that legally i was allowed to leave the uk you were planning to use covid for years yeah they were like oh no we checked they've changed the restrictions you can come now i was like oh that's great i didn't know oh i didn't think i'd see you for a decade but yeah I'll come home sure do you take the Mrs. Whitley when you go? she was no once in a while she was going to come this time

and then she was too pregnant so she stayed too pregnant too pregnant yeah so you're just going back to do family stuff you're not you're just

you are a UK comic it feels who's from Canada you don't geek back over there I did a couple gigs but it feels rude when you've moved away from all the people you knew for your entire childhood to do your job.

And when you only go back there two weeks a year, it feels rude to then be like, guys, I know I never see you and I have not watched you grow up and I barely know your names, but I'm going to go and work while I'm home. You just feel like an asshole. And I'll see you tomorrow, cousin six and seven.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever your names are. I'd like to gig in Canada. I really would. Obviously, there's Just for Laughs, the comedy festival, which I'm under the impression is invite only. Yeah, well, it's invite only, but I think it's getting slightly smaller as well

um but i'd love to go over there i really want to go to toronto very doable yeah yeah yeah you get a plane ticket yeah and then uh on the plane yeah i suppose i don't want to do it as much as i could really do it it's legal it's allowed it's the as of early september they open the borders you can i want to go to a raptors game yeah yeah yeah yeah i've never been have you been to any sports over there no did you know did you go to say hockey and then realize you were gonna lie i was going to lie to make it seem like i had but i mean i've been to like an like a you know like uh like a low lower level league hockey game, but never a professional game.

It's so boring and cold, but I don't like sports. So if you like sports, or sport as you say. I think you want to go just as a sports fan. Yeah. You want to go and see a sport where it's allowed, fighting's allowed. Fighting's allowed. How is that?

I mean, hockey's amazing. They're having a dust-up. They're like, all right, cool, let them have it. As long as neither of them, what is it? I think go down or fall down, they're allowed to box on the ice. They grab jersey. Yeah.

It's never, there's almost never combinations. No. It's the ultimate, it's almost like, you know when you see the, what do they call it, arm wrestling? Or when they've got to hold the table, they have to grab Jersey, and then it's just haymaker, haymaker, haymaker. It's fucking great.

And the refs are like, let him work it out. Let him, oh, Jesus. Let him work it out. I fucking love it. I'd love to see that. But it's great to just watch two millionaires who don't have to punch each other in the face. Like, they don't need to.

They could both just say listen let's just play the game and take our money let's not risk our faces but they're both like no no i want to fucking break your nose i think people would be a lot more accepting of the rich and billionaires specifically if they just had to punch each other like people wouldn't be asked about jeff bezos and richard branson race into space if when they got to the moon, they just had a scrap. Why are you going to the moon? For that big fight. Dana White with Jeff Bezos.

A moon fight. Lads, they're weighing. Fucking brilliant. Have you seen DiCaprio stealing his bird today? What? DiCaprio stealing Bezos' bird. No. It's a great photo.

It's just Jeff Bezos' girlfriend, whatever her name is, just like smiling. Yeah, proper swoon over DiCaprio. At Leonardo DiCaprio, Jeff Bezos just stands there. And then Bezos uploaded a picture of him in silence. It says, like, caution, long fall. And he's leaning on it and saying, come over,

Leo. Like, kind of in on the joke. She must be fit. She's not. How good at, how good at blowjobs is that girl? That she's like,

oh, my options are, one of the richest men in, in the world. No, is it the richest man in the world? Elon Musk in the morning. And then,

one of the, biggest, most famous film stars, one of the richest man in the world. Elon Musk in the morning. And then one of the biggest, most famous film stars, one of the sexiest. How has she even got herself in that situation? It was like, Leo or Jeff. How fit is she? Who is this woman? Who is she?

I think it's Lucy Pinder. It's Lucy Pinder. Who are you going for there? Are you going for Leo or Jeff? Because he's fit. Depends what you want, innit? They call money money because I imagine she gets like

extra Amazon Prime privileges that we don't get yeah free Prime at least that day delivery for everything

you know what she gets when you're watching Amazon and there's a film you want to watch and it goes I'm going to buy it she doesn't have to buy it

it's all free Jeff just Jeff has to put his little pin Leslie and Adam DiCaprio in it 50 quid he's bitter like that have to buy it yeah it's all funny jeff just just jeff has to put his little pin leslie and other caprios in it just personally 50 quid he's bitter like that i think i must be i got jeff i go jeff because even though he is uglier and but like if i was like he's closer to death and richer and i don't know you have to leo looks like he could go for a while and he's a go-getter Jeff Bezos

Leo just sits around and acts once in a while which is fine bitches about whales and stuff he's just flying around on a private jet talking about climate change oh my god I can see less whales I'm doing a live zoom conference from my jet talking about how we really need to stop doing what I'm doing

do you reckon Jeff Bezos really cares about the environment, though? No, what gives a fuck? He doesn't care about humans. Never mind private, he's got a private spacecraft. He goes on a spaceship when he wants. Not to get anywhere. No, it's just to come back again. Isn't that worse?

If you had a private jet and you were like, where are you off? Oh, just doing a lap, coming back. That's worse than using it to get where you need to be. Yeah, I suppose carbon footprint-wise, sometimes I take the car out just for a drive. It does look a bit of a twat.

Where are you taking the private jet? Just to the Mackie's drive-through. Just fancy a bit of fresh air. They're not open. I have realised that when I... Because I've told you, I like... You drive,'ve told you, I like, you drive, don't you, Bobby?

Yeah. Do you ever just enjoy a sit in the car when you get back? Oh yeah, usually when I'm in a fight with my wife. In a fight? Well, like if we are hating each other, or I've done something, then I'll just sit in the car for a while.

I love the diplomacy there. Not she's ever done anything. If we're in a fight, or I've done something. It's not like a man-woman thing. It's like I'm the diplomacy there. Not she's ever done anything. If we're in a fight, or I've done something. It's not like a man-woman thing. It's like I'm the problem usually. Like my emotions are too intense and they override my sense of logic

and then I make mistakes by blaming others. Wow, that sounded like something you've been told to say. Yes. It's like a script I'm reading. Hello. And then I make mistakes and blame other people and it is all my fault you need that to be legally witnessed by us

bobby do it on the have a way podcast right to the camera i am sorry for what i've done usually we clip things out for socials but we'll clip this out for the lawyers yeah well i love a sit in the car but i'm gonna have to start i've got a diesel i'm gonna have to start turning the engine off because i like it to be a bit toasty do you know what i mean yeah just leave the car on for how long sometimes like an hour and a half sometimes i will just sit outside me for an hour and a half that's insane it doesn't it is what do you do in the car though i'm just on my phone sending a few emails scrolling through shite not going into the house sleeping is everything all right genuinely starting to get a bit worried about you

it's not like how bad was that roast that's it i'm sleeping in the car. Fucking ridiculous. It's not when she's in the house. It's when I get back and there's no one in the house and I'm just like, I'm comfy in the car. I pick my phone up as soon as I've turned, not even turned the engine off, just put the handbrake on and I just start having a little scroll,

looking at some stuff and being like, oh yeah, and I just end up being there for a while. But I leave the car on, A, for the music and B for the heat you know have you ever had a wank in it not this one you had a wank in your car i had the wank at 70 miles an hour on the motorway not just before you sold it part exchanged it bloody hell, I haven't christened this. You had a 70 miles an hour wank.

Was it... Did someone have a gun to your head? No. What? That's not what he's into. I don't know. I was really hungover and... Yeah, the M6 does get you horny, doesn't it? It was on the way to Newcastle.

I think I was around Weatherby. Weatherby. The A1. The sexiest of all the major routes. Did you finish? Yeah. How much... There's a Weatherby.

There's a KFC at Weatherby. How good was that Zingertau burger that day? Are you kidding? Did you have a wank at 70? So you've jizzed at 70 miles an hour? Yeah. Like it's come out that quick? Don't get into the physics of it!

The speed of calm. What is the speed of calm? It's like the speed of light. That's the speed of calm. Look, it happened. That's mad, that. So it was imagination With your eyes open

Whilst driving No there was porn On a big screen As I was driving Big advertising board Right No that bit's a lie Wasn't like a car

That you thought Oh I really want one of them No there was a big car crash And you know Tragedy turns me on This is where we Slowly reveal that Although Adam is a very

Business minded smart man he's also a psychopath and uh he likes watching people die on fire right that's mad you feel a bit weird about telling us that it it just felt really weird that it has never come up before yeah on all the bollocks we've spoken 250 episodes of of this. The fact that hasn't come up. I feel like it might have. I'm not on the moral high ground. I've had a wank on a National Express, so. You know.

Fully populated one as well. No, no, no. There wasn't someone next to me going, this is my seat, my area. It's not on the fucking armrest. No, there was no one. There was three or four. We're trying to defend my National Express wank.

Where do you put your cum? Tissue. Okay, fine. Bobby, have you ever masturbated at speed? No, not while anything was moving. I've masturbated in a car that was stationary in a parking lot. I think I was like 13 and my parents went inside.

I was 13 when I did my last one. Oh, that is a dangerous wank though, isn't it? Yeah, because anyone walking by has now committed a crime. Like I'm just opening up. If you're a 13 year old masturbating in public,

you're opening up everyone around you to seeing something they cannot unsee. And then I saw a 13-year-old jerking off. Okay. Well, that's seared into your mind, isn't it? That's so funny. That's the power children have.

Children can turn anyone into a pedophile. Watch what you're saying. They can. If a 10-year-old walks around with his arsehole out, everyone's a paedophile. Yeah. That's not how

the law's going to see that. I don't know. The blame isn't going to be on everyone that looks at that arsehole like a paedo-medusa. No, but let's say you're caught on camera

looking at the child's arsehole. At what second is it a crime? Because if you're like, fucking hell, I imagine you get away with it, but if you're like... It depends where the blood goes in your body, I think.

That's a big part of it. No, I think they're going to trap the CCTV back and be like, how long has this kid had his arsehole out? Just say a 10-year-old in town with his arse out. If someone goes, someone does this like, fuck all of that kid's arsehole,

they're not going to be like, Peter, go to jail. Don't even look at the kids as he wanders off. It's like this game, isn't it? If you put your finger in it, you win. That felt too close. Too close to the 10-year-old. Like, considering that was already awful on many levels,

for you to find a way to go, I'm going to ruin this. That's the power children have. They can make everyone a pedo. Especially if they're fit. Those are the words of a pedophile. Those are the words of an in-denial pedophile. Children aren't just beautiful and majestic. They're also powerful.

All right, Adam. On top of masturbating the car crash, sometimes I stare at kids and wonder, what if I did it? Don't worry, the CCTV will save me. That kid's had his beautiful arse alive for ages. It's a three-second reel, I think. It'll last three seconds, I don't know.

Of a 10-year-old's arsehole. Like dropping a chip. Same reel. Bobby's not gigging anyway. He's come specially up for this I'm happy I know you are I'm having a good time I know you are

this is what I'm comfortable this is what I've had to I've had to train myself to not have these kind of conversations I feel free that is what this podcast

is going to be for some guests isn isn't it? It's like, oh, all those things that I don't joke about out loud anymore because people look at me like I'm awful. You call me, yeah. Yeah, I can do it. Yeah, it's beautiful. Not for everyone, but it reminds me of getting hammered at uni

and then getting back and we're like, what if this happened and I'm 40, the most responsible I've ever been in my life, and I come here to do that same stupid dickhead conversation I had at 19 years old. That's how we lived our life. I love it. That's how we live our life. I love it.

Welcome, Bobby. Thank you. You got a podcast or anything? You must. Starting one. Like it. What's it called? Well, I didn't want to just come on here and be like,

I have a podcast too. No, we do. That's what this is here for. It's it called? Well, I didn't want to just come on here and be like, I have a podcast too. No, we do. That's what this is here for. It's the plug shit. It's coming out in a couple of weeks. It's called The Year Is with Red Richardson. Do you know him? I love Red Richardson.

Great comedian. You might not have met him yet, Dan. Very funny. Don't like him. Not a keen. No. Not keen. His Taliban joke that he did.

I did a store with him recently. He was doing a 10, which I imagine will be his last one because he absolutely destroyed it. Oh, I remember you saying he was too good for the spot he was too good to be doing a 10 he was oh yeah he's a killer he did not look an inch out of place on that store bill in fact he was he was better than one or two um and his taliban joke that he closed on which i will tell you in the interval if i haven't told you yeah was so fucking great he yeah so what do you know what it's going to be called? Sorry. So we're doing a podcast called The Year Is.

Every episode, we break down the weirdest events from a year in history. Wow. So you just take every year. If you look at like 1782, a bunch of shit happened. That's fucking crazy. We're looking at 1547. You think that's 500 years ago. What could have happened in 1547?

King Edward II banned boiling people alive which means there was a conversation where some people would have been for it and some people against like there would have been a call where people like i don't know i think some people deserve to be boiled alive and then they'll be like oh you're so woke yeah you're like anti boiling exactly you've got to think of the cauldron suppliers yeah yeah we're gonna we're gonna lose out that sounds but then it just you haven't even started this podcast yet and i want to be a guest on this podcast okay more than any other podcast in the world okay i cannot believe how good an idea that is please have guests on i want to be one yeah you

can be a guest fucking genius thank you talking shit about history with a wikipedia page up yeah yeah yeah legend oh thanks dan it started you nearly say wikipedo page there wikipedo that's the power of children they can change let's start our let's start our own niche website, Wikipedia, where we just list all the pedophiles. You know it's wrong when WikiLeaks looks like the safe option. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Adam in the Ecuadorian embassy.

Shall we take a small interval and then do some correspondence? Yes. Wag wag lids. Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an add this. Oh, for the merch.

For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up unless you want to feel like it's a tammy girl starter bra have a word pod.com is where you get the merch from and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing oh we just said don't be doing the mean thing you look like a fucking p though get some merch but he can't help

himself they just but look them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better

in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying just in a more polite way. And that's here because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod.com if you can't read. Get on me. Which section is this, Adam? I've lost count. Get on me.

Which section is this, Adam? I've lost count. Oh, right. Four of four, everyone. Full house. So, Bobby, we have some questions. Okay. Sent in by people who adore our work.

Great. Stand-up question quick, or do you want to get into the bullshit? No, stand-up question quick. Whatever is in your heart, guys. Wag-wag lids. Just quickly. I know you've worked really hard on this. I'm not. Really hard is a stretch.

I respect you. How long have you been doing stand-up? 16 years. I just wanted to know that. That's okay. You started in Canada, did one of those tours and went, fuck it, I just wanted to know that. That's okay. And you started in Canada, did one of those tours and went, fuck it, I'm going to the UK.

Yeah, but I did six years ago. My first gig, there was a sound guy. His name was Earl the Squirrel. Say that again? Well, his nickname was Earl the Squirrel. I don't know his last name. Earl the Squirrel.

Yeah, Earl the Squirrel. Yeah, it only works if you've got that accent and uh yeah yeah there is this there's this one of the hardest i've ever laughed was uh earl one time i turned on the news this is about a year into comedy and earl was like uh an odd dude He had like his own soundboard and he'd hit like a button and it would go. And I turn on the news and Earl's face is on the news. And it said he was showing child pornography to children in a mall. I was like, oh, my God.

If you actually look more into that story, he was actually just looking at a child's arsehole. No, no. He was like, this is how powerful you are. Everyone in comedy was like, fuck this guy. Fuck Earl. He's a fucking asshole. People were like, if I see him at my show, I'm going to punch him in the face.

Turns out he was showing Family Guy to his own kids and a and a crazy person said it was child pornography his life was ruined and that was uh the first guy i met in comedy i just want to tell a sad story i have wanked to family guy to be fair and anything is porn if you really want it to be juanita i bet it was the baby where were you driving that day well where were you driving that day fucking weatherby again um so where meg gets popular oh meg not meg it's lois though isn't it come on it's me la cunha's don't? It's Meg. You can hear Mila Kunis. You can see Meg.

Bless him. I loved some of the weirdos. Sound techs are such fucking lunatics. Lovable lunatics. Comedy club something. Brilliant. We literally have a ghost in the frog and bucket that is haunting the frog while he's alive

and on the payroll. Colin, I love you. But it's like he's always there comedy shit feedback lazy material yeah you're still alive goal you're not a ghost yet see i get on really well with colin now and he's told me he likes what i now do on stage oh yeah what i knew you now do but i know how much he hated me for a long time and he told me some of the feedback he'd given to a thursday 10 like this guy that's what i said and i was like can i see what you used to say about me and he was like honestly we don't want to do that an argument with col in front of him going get him out of the middle section it's fucking

ridiculous you've got a headliner yeah in the middle section he doesn't walk anywhere just fucking hovers like a vampire floats for sure vampire stay alive ironically hi lids Got a question here From someone I deleted The name of Hi Lids Keith Rivington Keith Rivington

Wide receiver Wide receiver 465 car Sorry Hi Lids Been going down A YouTube rabbit hole lately Of an American comedian

Andrew Schultz I'll check him out I've been watching Loads of his crowd work On YouTube It made me want to ask you how well do you think an American compare would do in a UK comedy club and vice versa

what are the hurdles they would have to overcome what are the differences and are there any who have done it well for me the big distinct differences between American crowd work and UK crowd work is American crowd work and UK crowd work is American crowd work is

always a roast from what I've seen. It's always this guy looks like a fucking asshole and here's why. Whereas over the years it's a lot more conversational like what do you do? There's more sort of

like... But I think it might be the kind of american comics you're watching maybe so you're you know we probably have similar sensibilities yeah so yeah and those guys aren't really hosts either you know yeah yeah they're probably like if you're seeing crowd work from an american comic they're probably the headliner yes right because the open air there's no mc really the open air just goes on and opens, doesn't it? No, but there's MCs. There's good MCs.

Yeah. If you haven't seen the Key and Peele sketch where he does the roast comedy of the crowd, where the MC does the roast comedy of the crowd, and there's a guy at the end of the line, and he's roasting everyone like, oh, this guy looks like he watches too much porn, and he's doing the classic hacky American style roasting everyone one by one.

And then he gets the end of the line in the front row. And there's a guy with horrific burns and one of those voice boxes. And he's like, do me. And he's like, no, man. He's like,

no, go on. I can take it. And then he roasts him, call him Freddy Krueger. And the crowd are like whoa he said do it it hurt the tears sting

it's so good there's a great roast video from Schultz and the minor details of this I might get wrong but I'm pretty sure he's in like Denver or something and there's a guy in a wheelchair on the front row tells this i might get wrong but i'm pretty sure he's in like um denver or something right and there's a guy in a wheelchair on the front row and he heckles schultz twice and it just the video

just starts and obviously he's got a full team around him for editing and stuff he heckles him twice and schultz is like this guy he's like i fucking carried you down the fucking stairs and then it cuts to the video schultz and his boys literally carried this lad into the basement for the venue and helped him get to the front row it's like this fucking wheelie motherfucker right like i carried you down the fucking stairs you're gonna fucking shout it's fucking and he's so because he's both that sort of and obviously the whole audience of seeing them yeah carry this guy in he's got and his audience totally know that anything he's developing a proper reputation schultz if you're on the front row he's gonna of seeing them carry this guy in. He's got, and his audience totally know that anything, he's developing a proper reputation, Schultz.

If you're on the front row, he's going to talk to you and he's going to do this roast thing. They're so on board with it, and so is the guy in the wheelchair. And it's just a perfect example of how you can say the most horrendous shit and be properly punching down and in front of the right audience, it doesn't fucking matter. They're Schultz's people.

They know his sense of humour. They've signed up to it. Doing that in a club where everyone's like, oh, let's just have a nice Friday night is a different fucking vibe. The major difference, see, what you're doing there is going, oh, that's crowd work.

That's comparing. That's not. That's Schultz headlining, doing crowd work. The main comparing. That's not. That's Schultz headlining, doing crowd work. The main difference I know for a fact with the American compares and the UK compares is they have a culture of listing someone's CV before they bring them on.

So it's par for the course that in America, they're like, this guy, they've even done it on, we mentioned RU Garbage on their podcast. They do it like they're comparing on the guest. They'll read out all his achievements. They had Mark Norman on, and it just got embarrassing. Yeah, because Mark Norman is fucking amazing. He's got a massive CV.

Just cherry-pick some of the highlights. They did the whole thing. Because in America, like, whoa, yeah, that is what I've done. Over here, if you listed someone's CV, the crowd would be like, all right, Billy Big Bollocks. Who wants to hear it? So I've heard that before, that the crowd would be like that over here. And I think that's a bit of a fallacy, you know.

I think, like, personally, I think when a, like, I've been brought on, I did the store recently, and Alistair Batley was comparing, and he was like like your last act tonight is Adam Rowe you're going to see him on the upcoming series of Live at the Apollo

he's done roast battle and I walked on and that audience were fucking sound right cool comedy store with Al Barry

professional Bill fucking comedy club Rotherham Hotel Friday night shit Tano system crap support knobhead compare you're closing, everyone's angry, three people have lost the job that day.

Right, this guy has been on roast battle. I don't have cable. This is your support. It's not, it's a, I know what you mean, but there are some nights where you just want your name said, you walk on and you do your stuff. I think there's a lot of people alone. The reason I said it's a bit of a fallacy is they think even at the store,

yeah, that wouldn't work or even at a proper club that wouldn't work. And I don't really buy that. I think if you walk on with the right energy after that intro, it's fine. And I'm quite a high status stand up. So I, I don't mind it when people like his

Phil Walker in St. Anne's Lancashire this next he literally did this, this next guy brilliant from Preston lives, I think he lives in Chester and he's got a podcast and you can literally see people in St. Anne's going I don't even know what that is

I couldn't give a fuck and then he said where I'm from in Preston which is not something say i'm as a like phil is a mate of mine and he was trying to be nice i was like shut up let me do the fucking bits about me yeah i hate what even when people say i'm from canada like in introing me in stand-up i'm like well don't fucking tell them that let me reveal things about myself yeah yeah he had a bisexual experience at 22 the only time i've had it once in the uk where the the the mc i can't remember i think it was top secret in london they big big me up say all my credits and i walked on stage and i just i really had to piss before my son i went and took a piss and then i was wearing like gray sweatpants and i had just

pissed all over like i didn't finish pissing so i didn't finish pissing so i walk on stage and i look down as as he's just said like all of my like whatever credits and i look down and i'm covered in piss and that like that was that's good it just brings you right back down to earth they're like oh who's this guy and it's like i was like look i'm still a man covered in my own piss. So let's. I've got a great agent, but terrible bladder control. And we've all pissed on ourselves. It's not like we're all above pissing on ourselves. Yeah. Dick control.

Have you pissed on yourself? On the A1. Yeah. Yeah. Like the most annoying thing is that when you've done the shake and you've done it and you've waited the four seconds and you're like, everything fine? We're going to be good?

Everything going to be all right? Are you ready? We can go back in the undies? Mr. Dick, Mr. Dick, Mr. Dick, all good. You sure? All right, Adam. Okay. I'm good.

And in we go. And then it's just like, eh. And just a little tiny. Four seconds. Is that a rule? Is that the little known four second rule? Piss, end, count four. Four Mississippi.

Two Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Four Mississippi. Oh, there was more. Yeah. How long do you wait? An hour and a half. I'm wiping up. That's fucking sprinkler dick um uh next question okay

from hannah harvey wag waglets i have a question for you i've been single for nearly two years now i'll shag you yeah and through that that'll do. There's probably something wrong with her emotionally. Do you like green peppers? I've been single for nearly two years now, and through the dreaded rona, found myself turning to dating apps to cure the bedroom, to cut easy, to cure the boredom of lockdown. However, with that came the realisation that dating apps are full of lunatics,

and therefore I developed a strategy to weed out the anti-vaxxers, HS2 supporters, flat earthers, etc. But opening with one simple question. HS2? The train. She just threw HS2 at it. You can want a faster train.

I mean, I'm not pro-HS2, but I'm not anti-HS2. I don't know enough about it, but wanting a faster train is different than being It's not a red flag is it? A conspiracy theorist who wants to get from Liverpool to London in under an hour That's a conspiracy It's not possible

I don't want anyone who buys the fast pass at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. I'm not having it You wait, you turn. It doesn't make sense unless you own farmland in Staffordshire What is your most, so this is what she asked to weed out the fucking mentors Wait, your turn. It doesn't make sense, unless you own farmland in Staffordshire. What is your most... So this is what she asks to weed out the fucking mentals. One question, bang. What is your most controversial opinion?

It's worked a treat, saved me a lot of time, and actually led to some funny and or interesting interactions. For some insight, a lot of people seem to think Nando's is overrated and someone thinks Kanye West is the true leader of the free world. I roll. Correct. So what I want to know is,

what would each of you say is your most controversial opinion? Absolutely love the part. It's kept me going through the lockdown and I look forward to the patron exclusive and early access every week. Hannah, that is a phenomenal question. It's well written. And then you also do the patrons the tits bit at the end but you can't no one's answering that question honestly yeah we

can't i can't tell you what i really think no not on the internet no wallets up a p the files you can't say what you really think no i'm gonna have a word podcast. Have you been holding back for this 200 records? Yes. Because it hasn't seemed like it. You just told us you had a wank on the A1 near Weatherby. That's not an opinion, though. It's a fact. I didn't get it.

A deal in facts. A deal in absolutes. Oh, don't quote that cunt on this the world is just so full of everyone screaming opinions right now it's like i don't want to just start picking a team i do what team okay. I have literally, I stood by one recently. What is it? Idris Elba is shit. Oh, it's coming back as well? It's shit. And he's just, a Luther film?

Is it a film? Who the fuck needs a Luther film? Oh my, it is, it's a film. It's a Luther film. Do you know how I know it's a Luther film? Because I want to know exactly what. I'm definitely not going to watch it.

Imagine if it turns out to be like a James Bond prequel. That'd be fucking amazing. Controversial opinion. I would love a black James Bond. As long as it's not Idris fucking Elba. I'd rather have Trevor McDonald. Rigabert song. Anyone.

Any black man. Keith Rivington. I do not want idris elba being oh fuck i'm james bunt shaken not stirred i was a fucking tiger you naughty cunt awful he's dog shit handsome man what about the wire he's not you're saying he's not getting the wire fucking brilliant in the wire when they wrapped up the wire he really went a bit dog shit luther is is dexter levels shit to be fair fucking hell i'm interested oh everyone loves me i'm fucking handsome even fucked up the sky oh here i am in a lovely bit of fucking knitwear. Oh, I'm watching Sky that I definitely pay for because I'm on the adverts. Lovely, naughty.

I'm going to sing a little bit of rap. Fucking don't. I am pro-Black James Bond, just not fucking Idris. Trevor McDonald. Okay, it's just done. Adam. And that's how you get puss puss on tinder mince pies are shite

yeah poo mince pies are shite it's like a lasagna in a cake what fruity lasagna have you had it's mincy isn't it

it's not mincy it's fruit yeah minced fruit he didn't say minced beef he didn't say it was beefy he said it was mincey and it is yeah okay yeah mine is wallets for pedophiles

yes always or just recently what do you mean i think wallets used to be pretty fucking useful now it's like pedophile grow up yeah i've got a little wallet no yours is different yours isn't a wallet that's a card holder that's a little wallet. No, yours is different. Yours isn't a wallet. Mine's a card carrier. Yours is a card holder. That's a little bit different. He means the big thing. Finn's got a wallet.

Like a granddad's got. Velcro. And you need it to carry your money. Can you do that impression of a granddad again? I get my bones there, lad. Fuck off. Bobby, have you got a wallet? wallet no i carry a debit card around because i don't have cash anymore cards in your phone yeah but i used to have a wallet when i

had a wad of cash yeah it never paid the phone no oh i remember pulling out a wad of cash once when i was taking a girl out i'd just been paid a double the night before i'd about 450 quid and i pulled out and there was a bit of me it was like i'm pulling a wad out she went get your fucking wad of cash away you dickhead i was like you look like a gob she absolutely slammed me down i was like you're just gonna give me more pussy gonna give me less pussy damn you've got a little fucking forever friends card right but like can we just say with wallets and paedophilia, right? Yeah. Now, I'll give it you. But traditionally, they were useful, weren't they?

Yeah. But traditionally, anal before five minutes before your birthday was what Adam said there. That was not a tradition. He made that tradition up three seconds before he said it. Do you have a wallet? No. Good. No.

You don't need one anymore. Children have no power over me. Bobby. Yes. Now you realise you're not going to get done for trans rights issues. No, I know. What unconventional... You look like a man who's harbouring quite a few offbeat,

unconventional opinions. Wait, we didn't talk about the mince pies. I'm thinking. Give me, I need more thinking time. Okay. Mince pies are shit. Always have been. Yeah, shit.

I tell you what, we mentioned it before. I fucking ate roasts. Friends is overrated. Oh. Adam, you get to go. You get to go. Do you know what?

It is, but I'm going to continue to overrate it. I'll let you have it. Like, the more sitcoms... I'm so emotionally attached to Friends because I grew up with it, but the more sitcoms I watch, I understand the criticisms of it,

that it's sort of... Like, every line's supposed to be a joke and when it's like that, whatever. I think it's really good, but I probably think the fact that it's still on Comedy Central for 18 hours every day is probably a bit much. Yeah much it was funny um i don't know if this is an opinion but it's it's a thought that i'm ashamed of um whenever i get excited when celebrities die

because then we get to reminisce about all the good times they had so like opinion is yeah yeah my own it is my opinion it is is it's great when celebrities die like it's great i hope to someday be one of those dead celebrities it's great because if if a celebrity's sick i'm like come on just fucking die so we can talk about how great you were and forget the few things you did that were very questionable you being ill isn't helping record sales no when you're ill no one wants to listen to your music they just think oh it's not fun once that were very questionable. You being ill isn't helping record sales. No, when you're ill, no one wants to listen to your music. They just think, oh, it's not fun.

Once you're dead, you're back, baby. There's a vigil. Yes. 2016 was a great year for Bobby. Yeah. Everyone was dying. Bowie, Wogan, can't remember anyone else. Jeremy Beadle.

Great. And he loves all three of them. Yeah. George Michael. Triple headliner. Died on Christmas Day as as well my favorite thing is when a celebrity has and then you find out about that celebrity and then you love them and then you pretend you like them before they died who's this who's this guy everyone's on about here oh teddy wogan oh they like when snape died when alan bichman died i i got to watch all the harry

potters again yes yeah with a sense of like he was amazing and he was amazing he's a great actor and diet and he only started acting when he was like 83 or something it's a fact it's a fact he died 50 died at 57 but he started acting at 83 he started acting really late though he never did a single bit of acting apart from when he was like lying to his wife until he was like in his 50s I think

50s but he won a BAFTA for lying to his wife that's how he got into acting Hans Gruber 50 Hans Gruber

he was in the Diehards and then he was the Sheriff of Nottingham wasn't he I don't think you can say he's in the Diehards just because he's briefly in a flashback of falling off a building in Diehards right was that all he was the Sheriff of Nottingham, wasn't he? I don't think you can say he's in the Diards,

just because he's briefly in a flashback of falling off a building in Diards 3. Oh, is that all he was? He's in the Diards 1, isn't he? He's in the first one and he dies, isn't he? Spoilers. Get shot. Robin Hood.

I know this is going to be shot down, but that Robin Hood Prince of Thieves that came out in 1990. He's the Sheriff of Nottingham, right? It's a sneaky fucking great film. Yeah. It's cheesy as fuck, but it's so good. But it is something that I don't like saying out loud because I don't like laughing at people's appearance.

The witchy woman in it with a cloudy eye genuinely makes me want to throw up. Every time she's on the screen, I feel nauseous. Oh, yeah. But is it really her face or is it makeup it's no she's not just like an ugly bird from nottingham you'll do come on get sharon in all right no fucking hell you need to kill that bitch ladies yeah she not she makes me want to go and

pause the film or probably not because by the time i've thrown up she's still there you'd never get to watch i like how morgan freeman is a black man playing a more and he manages to make that character a little bit racist even though he's black he's like hello i'm a more i will save you you're like morgan turn that down a little bit what film is this Robin Hood oh yeah he is too fast to be honest did you think the look you gave me was like

lads I think I'm thinking about a different Robin Hood you did a bit Mandela that was a bit Mandela have you watched Morgan Freeman

yes like Saracen character is sort of not all right. I would be glad to eat this. You having a good time? Having a good time? Fucking bunch of pricks.

Bobby. Imagine if I actually lost my temper about Morgan Freeman in Robin Hood. Fuck off! Squats. Bobby, do you have any controversial film opinions? I always like them on people. I was like, oh, shit.

Get Out was dog shit. Oh, I quite liked it, mate. No. Psychological thriller. Can we let Bobby answer one question? I love the tension. That was actually, that was asked to Bobby. And I was like, fuck that.

My favorite. Okay. So there's a part, you ever uh straight out of compton yeah okay great movie yeah there's a part in it where ice cube is fucking all these women yeah and then he's just married and it's really weird he just goes from fucking to being married you don't see him meet his wife he's just married and uh maybe in the fucking all the women scene the last one he's fucking you're supposed to just assume that's it no this is why his son is playing him which means the whole movie his son is pretending to be his

father and acting like his father while pretending to fuck women and And for them to film a scene where he meets and courts his wife, then his son would have to pretend to be his father while pretending to fuck someone who's pretending to be his mother. And that's why they just cut to him being married because that's

fucking disgusting. Too many layers? And Ice Cube is a producer on the film, which means Ice Cube would have been on set watching his son pretending to be him while pretending to fuck someone pretending to be his mother. Oh my God.

If you got lost there. And that's why they just cut to him having a wife. Incest-tion. Incestual. I want to say inception and incest thereestual yeah I want to say inception and incest there and literally my mouth could not do it

aside from Luther being shit do you have any controversial TV or film opinions Daniel I still want to talk about Get Out being shit

I thought it was really good no because it starts like this creepy oh what's going on and then they're like way Star Trek like halfway through

they just change from creepy no it's always that it's just this isn't it straight away it's what will it be it's bollocks it's not Star Trek

it's so it's so good it's a very good film it's a relegation zone film I'm in between I do agree Adam though that the first the tension

that is created in the first half of Get Out is so intense that it doesn't the second half of Get Out is so intense that it doesn't, the second half of the film, I don't think, lives up to what you're expecting. Yeah.

So I'm not dissing. That's exactly what I mean. But I wouldn't say it's shit. But I like those. But I think because of that, it's shit. I think those light switch films are kind of, when you're like, you think you're watching one thing and then it just clicks and you're like, oh!

Like, Dust Till Dawn, i watched dust till dawn and no one told me what dust till dawn was and this was in the uh not scorsese tarantino era of like yeah cool it's guns it's heist it's kidnapped like and when it became dust till dawn when they were at the when it was vampires like that i watched it going oh i loved it i like that sort of shift on a film do you know what i mean like watching sophie's choice and in the second half spider-man's in it which let's be honest would be interesting come on spider-man fighting at a concentration camp to save two kids? That'd be unbelievable. That'd be fucking amazing. The boy with striped pajamas featuring Iron Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The boy with Spider-Man pajamas. So much funnier than my attempt at Inception and Incest. Just do jokes that you can say. And that's why Andy Rowe is playing all over the Isle of Man but he has striped pajamas but really it's like a prison uniform right which means if he had spider-man pajamas then actually that means the Nazi uniform for the prisoners is spider-man pajamas which means the Nazis love spider-man and he'd be on their side. So plot holes. Yeah. It doesn't exist.

Yeah. And then in the film, you just see one of the Nazi guards was like, oh, Stanley. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best one. It's all just nostalgic. There's a parrot that drives its own remote control car. Touch me. Home Alone. Stand out.

Might be the best film ever. Chicken Brons is the best film ever. Home Alone would have been a good film if at the end, they kill the kid. Mike, I think that's a better movie because he sacrifices himself to save the family home. That's so true. Yeah. I think he shouldn't have made it through. If the family home. That's so true. Yeah.

I think he shouldn't have made it through. If they just got back to his twisted corpse. Yeah. Because Pesci had got hold of him. Yeah, yeah.

And he dies in his mom's arms. He's like, Mommy, I saved the house. That'd be a good movie. He's just bleeding out. That's so true.

Just needs to get back. If they actually got him yeah Home Alone 3 is the best one you've pissed me off with that why it's so silly why is it silly

shit it's wrong it's better is there a part of the driver's remote control car in 1 or 2 Back to the Future 3 might be the best Back to the Future

no 2 it's 2 it's not even close number 2 2 is so grim bollocks it's all old and shite oh my no bollocks it's number 2 can't even be out of sight can you believe it because it's not even close number two two is so grim bollocks it's all old and shite oh my

no bollocks it's number two can't even be outside can you with it because it's number two don't start and that's allowed that shite's allowed

but my back to future is bollocks is there a pilot that drives a car and you gotta save get a save what is there a pilot

that drives a car in number one or number two is that what makes a good film yeah tell me one film that a that drives a car in number one or number two? Is that what makes a good film? Yeah. Tell me one film that a parrot driving a car would not improve. One film. The pianist.

Bollocks. If while he was fucking doing his thing, there was just a parrot doing lots of piano. I have no idea what the pianist is. The pianist. In Adam's head, the pianist is what? It's a guy, plays piano, hour and a half, five Oscars. The penis. In Adam's head, the penis is up. So Guy, plays piano. Hour and a half, five Oscars.

Dead good. There's a lot of times in that movie where he's struggling to find food and the parrot could drive him some food, maybe. There you go.

Bombed out Berlin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was a pretty boy. I will die on the hill of this opinion. I've just invented parrots driving cars improve all films

what about the biopic of Diana the guy's associate just walks down the road starts instead of hobbling starts walking normally and he gets in the car

and wins and a parrot behind him has a fucking remote control every film every film fact

hill dead well this has been a Every film Every film Fact Hill Dead Well this has been a Ridiculously wonderful Stupid one I'm sick of saying it Can we do a confession There's one come in

And I just It's We do the confessions On the Patreon episodes But this came in Yesterday And I need to say it To 60

70 thousand people Okay but this is the last time We're doing a confession On a public From now on Confessions This came in yesterday, and I need to say it to 60,000, 70,000 people. Okay, but this is the last time we're doing a confession on a public. From now on, confession stays to the patron. Yeah. Until I do a confession. Patreon. We're not doing a lock-in. We fucking are.

Lids. Around. Oh, by the way, we do confessions now. Oh, great. And people really lean in. They're opening up. And it's it's our job to either absolve them okay so we're trying to help

if you're like oh i don't know what this music is get on the patreon you fucking nana Right, back to the future three Lids, around five years ago Lids, around five years ago I was out with my ex-girlfriend In our friendship group We had a massive You know where this is going If you do

You've had a fucked up upbringing We had a massive argument And just went to different clubs Anyway, I went home and I got a message off her auntie asking about what happened. Cut a long story short, I went round and

fucked her auntie and she smoked the pipe. After polishing her off, I was around five minutes away from home and I got a phone call from my then girlfriend saying she was on her way to mine and she would be around ten minutes. So when I got home, I quickly got a shower and I ended up phone call from my then-girlfriend saying she was on her way to mine and she would be around 10 minutes. So when I got home, I quickly got a shower and I ended up having sex with my partner

about half an hour after having my pipe in her auntie's pussy and mouth. It was beautifully written. It was very awkward for the next two years till we eventually, no shit, split up. I've only told one person and they were gobsmacked. What's your thoughts? Am I absolved,

or is Jermaine Penance due? My thoughts are that there are several details missing from this story. So how did that auntie know something had gone on? And why did he go there? So, I mean, if that isn't... I'm guessing she was one of those party, you know, party old people

where they're like 55 and they're still at the club, and you're like, what are you doing like 55 and they're still at the club and you're like what are you doing here but they're they're probably an alcoholic and it's just like yeah oh i don't know maybe maybe they're very you've just got to assume that there was a text or something like oh my god i've had an argument with him he's been a total dick he wasn't arguing with the fella and texted auntie and then shucks it he's keying him yeah i mean you've just sort of got to believe what happened really aren't you and then judge i think the auntie's the one who betrayed she betrayed her niece he just cheated yep i i agree with that family hers is more of the auntie

is more of a betrayal than the partner yeah the guy I don't know yeah I don't think he's you know I'm not saying he's great he fucked her auntie

I mean it is a weird situation I'll give you this you have got a sort of like when he's like cut a long story short you're like I think you've cut out

a lot of the details but let's assume that there was a text like he's been an absolute dickhead and she's very close so she's been like oh my god as he this always happens i'll text him to sort it out like and then he's gone oh i'll go round he's known full well that he's gonna try and bang the auntie yeah 100 i feel like the text she sent was i've heard you had an argument with kaylee do you

want to come and pound my pussy? I feel like what probably also gets left out is like three years of flirting. Yeah. And just intense, not even necessarily words. Reaching for the same spring roll of a christen. Just eye contact. But she could have just cocked.

I wonder how old she was. Like, she's probably in her 40s, isn't she? I remember being in my 20s and being like, oh, women in the 40s are so old and now i'm like yes mate yeah let's i've always just when i was in my 20s which i still am i looked at women in their 40s like oh they've got money right to buy him stuff after he shags i've got money famously everyone in the 40s is loaded yeah not like absolutely hammered with debt

and tired from child care you should have money in your 40s more money than me yeah right because at the time when I was thinking this

I had negative money did you think you were so fit as a young man in your 20s that women in the 40s would pay to fuck you no well what's the money doing I thought they'd buy me tea

that's how much you love a roast you'll fuck for lamb What's the money doing? I thought they'd buy me tea. That's how much you love a roast. You'll fuck for lamb. I would. Yeah. A good roast in that. Adam, I've heard you've had an argument with our fucking... Come round. God, do you have a knife?

I'll come round. You've cheated on your missus with her aunties and then fucked her it's so grim it's so Jeremy Kyle I love it though I fucking love it I don't know how he kept that within him

two years of christenings with dirty aunties like should have cleft lip it's not like the aunties gonna tell at a cleft lip. It's not like the auntie's going to tell. The secret is safe. It is safe. Yeah, because she's double fucking herself up. She can't be like, I'm still with him,

are you? By the way. I'll fight with you. What does that mean? They always smoke the dirty old ladies in our bits don't they everybody you ever speak about smokes

fucking hell what you telling me she can put her niece's fella's dick in her mouth but not her fucking ciggy wet the baby's head

see you there shoo me hit the fucking shoo me I can't say it shoo my shoo my what's your who's go on make a judgement Shumi had the fucking... Shumi's the card, say it. Shumai. Shumai.

What's your... Who's... Go on. Make a judgment. Cardinal Ro. I think... He needs to fuck her uncle. I think you need to put business cards in phone boxes for, like, widow shagging.

You need to shag three more women of a certain age who just need, you know, women have needs as well. So women who've lost their husbands to like gout or war. Gout! Who dies to gout? Women that lost their husbands to gout are all dead. Or goates. Any black death widows yeah yeah yeah

did you lose your arthur in 1382 so the first great plague did your husband die in the great goat so women lost their partners to any disease of the heart or gout or war Or gout or war. Gout or war. War gout. It's the worst kind. Awful. When you just get too much rich meat in a trench.

Yes. Trench gout. Or heart attacks or strokes or the big C. Well, they're less funny, aren't they? Statistically, you're Bob-on. So any women in their, let's say 50 plus who've lost men you need to find three of them and and fuck them for free right and if you can't find them let's start the app now for grieving widows who want young dick gout widows we call it gout widows grinder grinder i think you going to have some copyright issues there.

Beryl's Lonely. What a business mind. Grinder. I've invented Grinder. You can fuck old women on it. Griefdar. Yeah. We'll come back to that.

Yeah. I'm glad we don't prep. He gets to shag more people for his penance. He's fucking made up. Yeah, but as a service Oh he's going to be good At the bottom Yes

Anyway Let's do Have a word And then get the fuck Out of Dodge One or two Just going for one The whole podcast

Now it's just The final tempo Sound sound sound This is from Matt Buckley Says Wag wag lids Have a word with the scruffy parents And the hotel staff They were on holiday recently So me and my bird were on holiday In the Dominican Republic

We were spending the day by the pool It was ram-packed Not a spare seat anywhere There was a couple in front of us with their son, about four or five years old. We liked to refer to the mum as topless saggy tits. Okay. All of a sudden, she needs to be on the grief app.

All of a sudden, the child needed the toilet, as kids are wont to do. But instead of taking the child to the toilets that were located 15 metres away, the parents sat their son on the top of the bin by the pool to take a shit. Both parents were cheering him on as he was taking a dump right next to us. Me and my girlfriend looked at each other in shock. The family then took their belongings and walked away.

What makes it even worse is that we asked seven different members of staff to change the bin and explain the situation, but an hour and a half went by and the bin still had not been changed. At this point, you can only imagine the smell with the heat and flies

surrounding the bin. One of the staff members, we asked to change the bin, walked over, looked inside the bin to our horror, picked up several pint glasses from the same fucking bin

and walked away we ended up having to pay an employee 20 just to remove the shitty bin containing human crap and we did not want to drink from a pint glass for the remainder of our holiday please lads have a word with the saggy tits and her fella or me and my bird for picking a shit hotel nice one lads love the pod get Get on me. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Just move. There wasn't any seats spare?

None. No, well, that's what he... Like, it was packed. I'm going to say they didn't pick a shitty hotel. They just... Like, those are shitty parents. You know, and also have some backbone. If someone is shitting beside you, when it's done

tell them to clean up their shit yeah that's what we're having a weird it is socially awkward though i can imagine that as you're watching it happen you're like what what and you're looking at your missus like what and all of a sudden there's wet wipe in and they're gone you're like i can't watch more than but it's not a homeless man it's the power they've got over you. That's from before. But once the child is shitting, what are you going to do? Just be like, stop that midstream.

Tell them to clean it? I would do exactly what Bobby said. If I was this person. And if they said, no, we're not going to clean it. We're going to walk off. What are you going to do? I've got my bottle or glass or whatever. I've got a napkin.

Picked up some of the shit out the bin and threw it at the kid. Yes. Now you're going to give the kid weird potty training issues and when he's 35 he's going to have to rub shit under his nose to come. Oh my god. And you did that. That's your punishment.

That's your punishment for not cleaning up. I have to say. Now your kid's fucking weird. You're about to be part of this. I'm going to be in this club. When you've got a toddler and you're out. I get it. And they go, dad, I need the toilet. You have to start making decisions.

I get. Listen, I get it. We do bush wheeze way too much. I just like, I need a wee. And you're like, well, you're not pissing yourself. So you just have to find near a bush. I have to stand over like fucking Floyd Mayweather's bodyguard

as she just has a little pee by a bush. But a shit is a different pot. You know, they're animals. I'm on there. Fucking animals. I don't need this shit. The toilet's 15 meters away, you lazy cunt. You lift your child over a bin laughing they're animals if this is true

fuck it's on them it's dirty i also i think there's a balance here yeah they are dirty horrible dirty bastards the hotel taking that long disgusting bad customer service the person who wrote this in is a shithouse ironically The Dominican Republic, isn't it posh? Isn't it like, I know it's a fucking poor country, but the resort, surely. I think they're... No, no, it can't be

cheap hotel in... It's like, it's not an easy, cheap holiday, is it? Depends where they live. Maybe they're from... Florida to the Dominican, you know, it's not that far.

Oh, they're American. Yeah. Most of the people I'd say who go to the Dominican are American or Canadian. Yeah. So it's wealthy people from here and scum from there. Yeah, yeah're American. Yeah. Most of the people I'd say who go to the Dominican are American or Canadian. Yeah. So it's wealthy people from here and scum from there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a cheap holiday. What a weird mix that must be over the breakfast. Oh, we've spent some money and we're in the Dominican. Whee! We're in a cheaper country. Yeah. I'm still pissed off about that Ishan Akbar episode this has been a pleasure, thank you so much

Robert I'm going to say something I've never said before worth the train to run corn I don't think anyone's ever said it's a rare thing to say where can people find you and your work on the internet I'm going on a tour, a stand-up comedy tour in the spring, starting in March.

And if you want to come and see me do that, you can get tickets on my website at bobbymayor.net. So that's B-O-B-B-Y-M-A-I-R.net. And if you don't want to buy tickets, but you would like to follow what I do, you can just find me on any social media platform and Bobby is a fucking amazing stand up like a comics comic if you haven't seen him do his thing

go and find it it's so original, funny it's brilliant, I love watching your work I'm chuffed you were on man so that's us for this week we have got some big things coming up first of all

there's still loads of merch at haveawaypod.com and secondly you can still get early access to these episodes and an extra episode a week and all the back catalogue of Patreon specials

at patreon.com slash haveawaypod but in December oh hang on you're jumping the we've got a special coming out before then.

Oh, yeah. We've got next week. I'm doing my last ever Beat the Frog. We're recording it. We're going to put it partly as like behind the scenes. We're going to do the live show. We're going to edit it down to a Patreon special. That will be out on Monday the...

22nd. In and around then of November so basically if you're a pube if you're not one of our patrons and you're like is this patron any good

we've got nearly 7,000 patrons you don't get 7,000 people paying for content if it's not good but we have just literally

put the patron gear up a notch and we are going to be knocking out a special now every month. And the first of them comes next week. It's the last ever Beat the Frog.

And it'll be out next Monday if you're watching this publicly. Get on the Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod. And then at the start of the December, we have another Patreon special coming out because we are going to try and get Christmas number one. We are going to try and get Christmas number one. We spent a day earlier this week in the Motor Museum Music Studio, which is where the Arctic Monkeys recorded

whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not, and where Oasis wrote and recorded Supersonic with our very talented in-house musician, Finn, with his original song, Lord Has Gone. We are releasing it Christmas week. It's going to come out the week before Christmas, and we are aiming to get the Christmas number. We're up against Adele, and, you know, that bitch can sing.

So we're going to need your help. We're going to need people to be buying this, pre-ordering it. Plenty of details coming soon. Keep an eye out on all our social media and on the episodes in the coming weeks for the details of that. And the documentary, the full documentary will be on Patreon the week before we release the Christmas single. And there's a music video.

That's coming as well. We're going to do a big push for this. We're doing it for charity. We're going to split the charity funds raised. 100% of the profits from this thing are going to charity. There's a charity in Liverpool called Zoe's Place, which are babies' hospice. And a Patreon of ours got in touch

because we said on the Patreon episode this week that we're going to give it to Zoe's Place, which is a baby's hospice. And a patron of ours got in touch because we said on the patron episode this week that we're going to give it to Zoe's Place. There's also another charity that has affected their family member. So we've decided we're going to split it between those two charities. They're the two charities we're doing it for. We're really excited about this. We're going to raise quite a lot of money for two unbelievable causes. And my missus is really happy that her name is in a potential Christmas number one.

She's dead chuffed. Christmas number one. That's what we'll come up with. I mean, Christmas number. It's going to be interesting to see what that number is. I'll be fucking fuming if we're two or below. There's enough of yous who listen. They might have to say it on Radio 1.

We've done the maths. We know how many of yous listen. We know it's more than feasible for us to get Christmas number one. Don't let us down. This is what we're doing with our lives, Bobby. This is great. I mean, Adele's so sad. Her song is just going to be like,

Oh, life is horrible. Mine's about my wife leaving me. Yeah, but... But in a positive way. But Adele's... Adele having a life is horrible. It reminds me about my wife leaving me. I'm a lot, yeah, but. But in a positive way. But Adele's, Adele having a breakup is sad. You having, being left is funny. Yes. Because your pain is funny. And at the end of November,

tickets and live stream pay-per-views will go on sale for the live show in Liverpool on Sunday, the 19th of December. Same as last year. They'll be, we'll sell the room out to Hot Water Comedy Club. 200 tickets. I will imagine they will go immediately on Patreon. They literally will. And then from there, it will be available on pay-per-view.

That will never be uploaded to Patreon. It will never be uploaded publicly. If you want to be at our live shows, you've got to be in the room. But once a year, we do these big ones where we put it on pay-per-view, and that's your option to see it. Sunday the 19th of December. Tickets go on sale the end of November. We are busy little cunts.

We're fucking busy. And soon we're going to meet a new James Bond slash Luthor. Oh, awful. Get on me. I'm a tiger. Me gone.