Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #147 with Jamie Hutchinson - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 22, 2021

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl

with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. I'll be past episode number 3,700,200,001. Welcome. 7,000 patrons. Hello. 7,000 patrons. Suck my patrons. More importantly, about 53,000 losers who aren't patrons. We could have 60,000 patrons if all of you didn't just fucking puube it attack your future customers we actually appreciate you watching yeah no thank you not everyone can afford three pound a month and we get that thanks for um thanks for your support but also stop being a tight cunt you big pube

unless you're genuinely skin and then good luck to you it's a difficult time here and imagine but if you're being a tight imagine on when this goes out on monday right imagine if what we've just done there just sparks and everyone and immediately 60 000 patrons immediately yeah that'd be weird yeah so you what's the first thing you're buying on monday afternoon right so i have to take the money out of the Patreon account? Yeah. Let me just work it out. They'll be probably... 150 grand. 150 grand. We'll just call it a Christmas bonus.

So you're getting 60 grand. A nonce two-seater sports car. I don't give a shit. It's what I've always wanted. I want to be tops down, driving up the fucking whirl like an absolute helmet. Leather gloves with tweed on the... I've killed a sex worker.

That fucking cunt. I'm buying 60,000 scratch cards. They're working class way, innit? You're probably proper after. If a genie gives you three wishes, what do you wish for? Fucking a thousand wishes? Clever lad.

Clever lad. Hey, Steve, do you want some of my wishes? I have ten of my wishes. Steve's asked for a hundred wishes. It's fucking, that's like a pyramid scheme of wishes.

The top prize on these things are like 250 grand, aren't they? Yeah. Or something like 25 grand every month for a billion years or whatever. You're good with numbers today, aren't you? Yeah. Or some are like 25 grand every month for a billion years or whatever. You're good with numbers today, aren't you? Having a weird ADH numbers day.

So, like you basically- You can't lose. It's a guaranteed win. Fact. It's a guaranteed win. Fact. If you win the EuroMillions, here's a fact,

play 160 million EuroMillions. Yeah. Yeah. Clever. Yeah. And then you win more euro millions yeah just at the fucking national lottery

at Camelot like here's your winnings and you're like yeah put it all put it all back probably win two lotteries how many iterations how many possible thingies

of lottery numbers is there isn't it 13.4 million is that right no so the old the the lottery lottery, like the national lottery, not the owner millions, was 15.9 million.

So if it was any less than that, it wasn't worth putting your quid on, was it? Technically. Like if you were a statistical gambler man, then yeah, it wasn't worth the pound. Right. So what if you won 20 mil and then put all the numbers on

if the next jackpot was more yeah but the lottery's not like that anymore that was when it was a pound for six number combos right what is it now now it's two quid

and there's like I mean the euro millions is five and then the two like little noncy ones the nonce numbers we're using some

random nonces today aren't we you're a nonce if you've got a BMW Z4 you're a nonce if you've got a BMW Z4. You're a nonce if you're an extra number on a EuroMillions. Do you want a Z4? I really just want a little sports car, genuinely.

I just want... I've always wanted it, I think. Why don't you go for a smart car? The more ecologically friendly. Ecologically? Ecolo... It's the ecology, is it? Yeah. I'd stand by everything

no i just yeah i do i want that i want that yeah you i know what you mean like let's say back then when it was a quid if you add 20 million yeah the idea is you put all 15.9 million combinations on and you're guaranteed to win yeah but the problem But the problem is if someone else wins as well and you win, but you didn't, yeah. I'd love to know what that feels like

when you've got your numbers. I've seen the family win. We've won this much money and then you wait and there's a chance that three other people have won that much money. Have you seen this week?

What a kick in the flaps that'd be. The where he, the millionaire. The where he lad on Twitter, the video. What's a workie lad? He's on a site. Workie, hard hat,

high vis. Is that no workie now? I mean, it does make... He works for a living. Yeah. It does... You know, the manny man. The man. The leggy, handy army man. The leg man. I know him. The head man. You know, the heady. He's one of them men with a head the worky

he works the breathy you know them breathies they breathe yeah alright I get it Adam knew exactly what I meant of course because you've got scouse code

well he works on a building site Daniel he's a workman a labourer I don't know he might be a joiner all we know for sure is that he's a workie. Is he a breathy? He better be a fucking breathy.

I don't trust those fucking guild cunts. He's a shark. Is he a shark? Is he a basking shark? He's a basko. Yeah, he's a baski. Well, he's a basking shark anyway. Yeah, cool, yeah, yeah.

But he's on the phone to the lottery. Putting nails in with his fins. That fucking basket. Like a bit old dolphin. Yeah. I thought I hated immigrants. I fucking hate sharks. He's on the phone

to the lottery people and she's like, sit down if you're not already sat down. His mate's a recorder and he's like, I'm pleased to tell you you've won one million pounds. And he's just like,

it was just an average joke. I know everybody with a lottery is, but it's just, it's sick that he's, it's not like a was just an average average joke I know everybody what his lottery is but it's just it's sick that he's him it's not like a stupid like

16 year old cunt who lives in the Cotswolds won the lottery you know what I mean I hate him and they wouldn't you know when I say

I'm gonna get another Z4 when I say an old person's won the lottery I think oh fuck you like your grandkids are just gonna they're gonna get that

in like six months to a year. Or if there's a fourth wave of COVID, maybe in two weeks. Like it's on the way. Yeah, grandkids. Fourth wave, fourth wave. Fourth wave, fourth wave. Licking strangers.

Let's get it going. And they'll have got, they have not suffered at all. They'll have just come into money. And the people who born into money are the biggest cunts in the world. No. No.

A lottery winner's grandchild is not a inherited wealth Tory. It's just a lucky cunt's grandchild. You can still be like, you're like, oh, you were born into wealth. No, just a grandkid. Like, you'd give your kids money

if you won the lottery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, just a grandkid. Like, you'd give your kids money if you won the lottery. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think he'd give it all away to the cats. I know what you mean. So Laura's elder sister went to school with a girl. Her dad won the lottery.

And he just gifted her a chunk. And she bought a house and spent a lot of it. And now has six, seven, eight years later, nothing left. But Laura's always like, oh, fuck now. I don't play the lottery. Because I know someone that's won it. If I'm ever like a multi, multi, multi billionaire, like from this or from the lottery, you know,

like from stand-up or from the lottery or whatever. Yeah, they're Euro billionaires. Yeah, right? So if I ever get to that level of wealth, I'm going to pick an enemy early on, right? And when I die, I'm going to leave them in cash, millions. But through years of setting it up, I'm going to make it look like it's drug money.

Nice. And the police will follow it and they'll never, they'll be like, how did you get this three million? Like, it was just on my doorstep one day. Like, fucking bollocks,

we don't believe you. Get to Nick. By the way, I wouldn't go with Hermes for that three million pound delivery. Oh yeah, we've lost your delivery. It's in the bin.

It's been signed for. Did you say Laura doesn't do the lottery? Are you a gambling man? I've never really spoke to you about this, I don't think. It's come up a couple of times. I can waste money. There's something about gambling losses

that I just can't get my head around. What about sure things, though? Yeah, but that's the rhetoric of a gambling problem, isn't it? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I've been hurt before, but this one. Yeah. No, I've never done that. Because I've started

watching Peaky Blinders and they run, like, they rig horse races and stuff, do you know what I mean? Yeah, the horses. Yeah, the horses.

And like, there's ways to like, there is ways to make sure you win it as a gambler, isn't it? Like in a casino, you know, they're onto it like,

but. Yeah. Yeah, you mean by breaking the law? No, it's not breaking the law. What? You can go to a casino and're onto it like yeah yeah you mean by breaking the law no it's not breaking the law what you can go to a casino and guarantee you win yeah

just double up on black yeah right so you like let's say you want to win 10 grand right yeah

you put 10 grand on black sceptical hippo face so you put 10 grand on black I've been watching Peaky Blinders and Rain Man and I'm good at counting you don't even need to be good at counting for this your ADHD would fuck you if you were trying to screw a casino go

it's so simple how many cards have they been done don't know how many cards have been put you come in and be reading cards counting cards and counting tits two

there's no way you're not capable you're good at maths Counting cards. I'm counting tits. Two. There's no way. You're not capable. You're good at maths. You can't concentrate. It's not counting cards. Go on. I can't count cards on a roulette.

Go on. I want to see. Just keep going. Black. Black. Yeah. Black. Yes.

Black. Yeah. Black. Yes. Black. So whatever you want to win. Black. That needs to be your first bet. Right? So if you want to win, black, that needs to be your first bet.

Right? So if you want to win 10 grand at a casino, you put 10 grand on black. Pen and paper out here, guys. Don't try this at home. Let's lose a house, everyone. Do not try this at home. Don't tell your missus about the savings.

She'll like the surprise. It's nearly Christmas. Adam's going to ruin your life. Go on. It's a genuine set. Go ahead. You just need to make sure you don't get caught. Don't tell any sharks.

Grassing basking cunts. 10 grand on black. If it wins, you've won 10 grand and you leave. You're done. You've got what you came for. You've won. Excuse me. Basically, this is what I heard because I was doing a basking shark impression that God wasn't having i heard go in bet on black win 10 grand fuck off is that it that's the best

way to do it yeah that's the best way to do it you welcome everyone we just changed your lives go in win 10 grand walk away no if you lose right right yeah on the next bet, you put 20 grand on. Because you fucked up the 10 grand bet. Let's go 20. Yeah. You put 20 on black. Right. Right. And if that wins,

you get 40, don't you? And if you lose, then you've lost another 20. But then, on the next one, you put 40. Of course. Because honestly,

with the first 10 and the first 20, you were like, if they just hold this 40 back. Yeah. And what they've done is, 80 down the line. Yeah? Yeah.

Then 80. Go. But eventually, black's going to come off. 100%. And you've won. Exactly. 100%.

100%. And as long as you keep doubling your stake, depending on, like, whatever the first bet was, if you keep doubling your stake, when you win, you will win what your first bet was.

100%. You can't lose. You can. 100%. You can't lose. You can't lose. You can't lose. They'll kick you out for gaming the system. Really, yeah. I think they're going to, yeah. They're going to be, your wife, as you leave the house, is going to be suspicious, isn't it?

Why have you got those six cases, Brian? Well, in this one, I've got 10 grand. And in this one, I've got 20. Deal or no deal? And in this one, I've got 40. Guess what I've got in this one? Get've got 20. Deal or no deal? And in this one, I've got 40. Guess what I've got in this one? Get out. 80.

You're playing the statistics. And I've murdered your mum and sold our house. You're playing the statistics? It's like the goat question. Yeah. Like, behind the doors.

Get on that. We'll do that as a Patreon exclusive. I'd like you to use your money. You know the goat question now. Go on. I thought it was heaven and hell. No, no, no. And you put your date in the door and see if it's hot.

No. So here you go, right? I'm a quiz show host. I'm already getting pissed off about the YouTube comments. Fucking genius, that lad. Dan doesn't know fuck all about basketball. Like, you don't. It is actually a foolproof way of winning money.

But you will get removed from the casino, quiff. It literally is foolproof. He's not wrong. So here you go. I'm a quiz show host you ready yeah right

I first seen this in the movie 21 starring notorious paedophile Kevin Spacey great film is he a paedophile

I don't think he's a paedophile he fucked a 15 year old ah but he was a hot one yeah and do you know what Brennan Reese he's more of an aggressive I'm not saying that was right

what I'm saying is the usual suspects isn't changed by the fact that that happened yeah you know what I mean

still a good film and it still doesn't is an all time classic yeah great film yeah seven seven

oh come on for 21 right I wish you put the head in the box I think it's that isn't it so this is this is a test

that Kevin Spacey's character the professor, uses to check whether this fella in his class can be part of his card counting syndicate. Right?

Okay. See if he's level-headed enough. And you're going to do it on me? Yeah. Cool. I'll just remember not to do a basking shark impression at any point.

Right? Let's see if you pass. Think of the Zed 4. Go on. So I'm a quiz show host. Right. And I go, right. Got three doors here, lad. Yeah? Good quiz show host alright and I go right got three doors here lad

yeah good quiz show this door one where's it being filmed this bittle lad I've got some of them doorsies you know doorsies

opened by people with hands handsos got three doors here lad by the way that is actually a really good point there is a criminal under-representation

of regional accents in TV hosting so he's like oh why has he got a Scouse accent that doesn't make sense, it should make sense shouldn't it so if anyone from the BBC or ITV is watching this I am really, I'm more than happy to host a reboot of Strike It Lucky if anyone's interested

100% regional accents are represented but lads, treat us and you're gonna fucking look in one of them. I swear down. It's not necessarily... Yeah, go on. Three doors here, lads.

Behind two of them are goats, and they stink as shit, and you're going to have to take it home and look after it, and it will piss and shit all over your house. I'm starting to think, actually, this regional TV show needs to be made. Good.

So, behind door one, two or three, but behind one of the doors is a billion pounds. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Is this ITV?

Five o'clock ITV. Fucking hell. This is why the chase got shut down, is it? There's no other quiz show. There's no other, this is the only show

on ITV. It's five nights a week as well. Five. Just rerun to justify this one episode. Right? That billion the only show on ITV. It's five nights a week as well. Five. Just rerun. Just by this one episode. That billion pound episode didn't work out. We only sold four, have we?

So, as you know, you've made it through to the final. Now, you've won 11 quid so far. That's a big jump up for this final round, isn't it? Do you want to gamble? You're 11 quid. Hang on. I've won 11 that's mine you can take that home

that's yours or you can give me a back no one can take that away I can give you 11 pound you've won a lovely yeah Austin Ambassador and if you're worried about parking

we validate so don't worry about your 11 quid for that oh fucking hell I'm 18 quid up. Pay for 12 hours. The Granada car park's not fucking about. So do you want to gamble your 11 quid?

Now, Adam. What do we think he should do? Gamble! Gamble! I think there'd be more than three fucking knobheads in the audience for the billion pound question. Gamble! Gamble! You think there'd be more than three fucking knobheads in the audience for the billion pound

question? Gamble! Gamble! Gamble! Who's your one of your favourite compers? Ed Gamble!

Do you want to play? Or do you want to Adam I've had a lovely day when you've had your parking validated and you've gone home

with 11 quid I mean I've been here since 10 o'clock this morning doing rehearsals and sound checks but just think it's been

such a good time I'm going to leave it thanks for thanks for letting me play I'm going to give you one chance forgot this forgot this was

being recorded and fucking beautiful go out I'll gamble yay audience goes wild Forgot this was being recorded in fucking Bootle. Go on, I'll gamble. Audience goes wild. So, do you want to pick door number one, door number two, or door number three? Dan, please don't ignore. Please ignore the audience.

That's a lovely shot. There's a basking shot. A gay basking shot. Do you want door one, door two, or door three? Right, so I've gambled. I'm going for it. You're either going to get a stinking goat that's going to shit in your house on a billion pounds. And just because I'm struggling with my concentration today,

Kevin Spacey did this in a film. Notorious gay pedo. Yeah. Allegedly. Kevin Spacey. Love your work, though. Academy a winner. A winner. I said it. Love your work though. Academy a winner. A winner.

I said it wrong, didn't I? Academy a winner. Academy pedo. Tried to bum Brennan Rees once. You did. Oh, who hasn't? I'd bum Brennan Rees. Beautiful little man, lady.

So what am I? I'm literally trying to work out how is it not just potluck well I'll get to that play the game door one I just have to door two or door three

the crowd boos hurry up it's crowd's fucking turn because you'll be in a shithouse son door two door two good choice at that point

I open door number three and show you a stinking goat good job you didn't open door number three And show you a stinking goat Good job you didn't pick door number three That's worked out well hasn't it Before we open door number two And see what you've won You've got an option Do you want to stick with door number two

Or switch to door number one And the question is Is it in your interest to change your mind now i'm not very good at mathematics and this is is this mathematics at play basically yeah i but i i know what i'd be like so i've picked two which has got me to this level of like, now it's just down to two. If I changed my mind at this point, before you tell me how I've done, if I changed my mind and there was a fucking, I went, no, I'll go one, and then there was a stinking goat in one, and I'd pick one.

Three goats out. I would own a stinking goat. I'd have to pay for parking. I will still validate. Am I in my Z4? Because the goat's not going in that. It's a new sports car. I've gone for beige leather.

Cotswold pedo. Just ride the goat home. Woo! I'd kill myself. I'd ride my goat into the Mersey. Because I'd be like, I could have won a billion. So I wouldn't change. You wouldn't change?

No. Shut up, you fucking prick! Oh, look at that behind door number two! Who's a goat? There you go! You've won yourself a goat. You should have switched. Yeah, I should.

Do you know why you should have switched? No, obviously I don't. So when you picked door number two, you had a 33% chance of being right and a 66% chance of being right and a 66 chance of being wrong okay one in three so even with that being revealed it's not guaranteed that you're going to win by switching but you are literally doubling your chances of winning by switching yeah you know when i said this is mathematics at work and I don't understand always switch deal or no deal always switch

always switch deal or no deal especially if the 250,000 is still in play at the end like there is a 21 in 22 chance

that it's not been in your box the whole time so you should always switch cool well if I ever go on your game show which I won't

what's it called if I ever go on it's called The Doors. The Doors. And we've got an in-house band. We've got an in-house band. The Kaiser Chiefs. Oh.

Adam, I think you missed the beat there. George Storrs. George Storrs. You know who George Storrs is? No. Dan, you know who George Storrs is. What's the schools on the door? Yeah I bought a hat

I bought a rat I took it to Cody Island Fucking love George Starrs Yeah me too It's on Shooting Stars Oh Yeah You were watching Two Pints

What about the Heaven and Hell one? You know that one don't you? Oh yeah Do you know the Heaven and Hell one? Yeah I know the Heaven and Hell one No I don't know any of these Oh this is good What kind of card counting

Weird gambling childhood did you have? Do you remember George George? No, I was just talking about boxes. Pick a box, Dad. Go on. So, this was on the Ricky Gervais show years ago, wasn't it? Yes. Right, and Ricky asked Carlos, here's the question, right?

There are two identical doors, and in front of them- Where's this being filmed? What? Same studio. Same studio. Yeah. Just one of the doors is blacked out. Granada bootle.

Yeah. Right. Two identical doors. Yeah. In front of the doors are two identical security guards. Right? They're identical twins.

Right? They... Yeah. Are they black? Yes. Yeah, they're black as well all right cool so they're still in front of those one of them is garden heaven one of them is garden hell so you've died and you've sort of been put into is it pegatory limbo limbo pegatory yeah yeah luxembourg

yeah the other luxembourg the queue right yeah so you get to the door and you've gotta decide which one which door you want to go through one's hell one's heaven yeah one of the security guards will always lie one of them will always tell the truth it's not like the one who lies can choose to lie you get to ask them one question. You get to ask one of them one question. That's it. What question do you ask? What question do you ask to guarantee that you go to heaven?

Are you a liar? Right, John, should we role play this and see why that's... Go on. It's hard, though. Roll. Hang on. No, no, though. Roll. Damn, dude. Hang on. No, no, no, no.

Role play. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies.

One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. One always lies. You only ask one question. But the liar isn't necessarily in front of hell. Yeah, of course.

So you want to get into heaven, so you go, are you guarding heaven's door? Okay. Role play. Say it to me. Are you guarding heaven's door okay role player say to me are you guarding heaven's door yeah let's hope he's the honest one it's difficult like It's difficultly. What question catches the liar out?

Do you want to know what it is? Because it's a convoluted one. It's not convoluted. Initially, I thought if they're the liar, one can't lie. I'm out. I'm literally... This is above my pay grade. So you say to either of them, if I asked him what door he's guarding, what would he say?

And whatever their answer is, is the door that they are guarding. Right. Show me. So it's going to be... So if I'm telling the truth and I'm guarding hell, right? So you would say to me. Heaven.

If he would say, no, because the liar's God in heaven, isn't he? Yeah. I'm telling the truth and God in hell. So the liar is God in heaven. Heaven. So if you ask the liar what he's God in, what would he say? He would say heaven. No.

What? No, what are you? Oh, yeah, of course, because he's got heaven. Yeah. he would say heaven no what no what are you oh yeah of course because he's got heaven yeah so that means I'm guarding hell and that works for any permutation of the things I literally

I'd so thick that I'd be in front of there going I've got a 50-50 chance here first time I got asked that question I got it right within 0.3 seconds Carl Pilkington said he put his hand in

I don't see if it was on yeah Carl Pilkington said he put his hand in I don't see if it was off Yeah Conundrums I love riddles Well I feel Thick For not For not being good at those

But I'd love to see Everyone under pressure Try and work that out It's not easy But if there is a God I wouldn't put it past him To have two security guards Fucking with you Right at the last Because If there is a god i wouldn't put it past him to have two security guards fucking with you right at the last because it is i know if he's created if he's created earth if he's created

life he it's well within him to be like yeah yeah i made all of that all of that really bad stuff and good stuff and beautiful stuff and miserable stuff and awful pot luck terrible bad luck so what i'm going to do, even if you've been a good person, a good Christian, a believer, I'm going to fuck with you right at the last.

Some poor bewildered nana like, are you lying? Are you, hell? Do you know what I'd do? God just being a prick like, I'd punch both the doorman's heads in, open both doors,

and I'd just see which one they were.'d punch both the doorman's heads in open both doors and then just see which one they're having alright cool easy loophole they're black though so you better get training what if you're old

do you think you'd be a hard old person I don't think Carl in his prime is winning that fight anyway to be honest with you also they're identical brothers they're going to stick up for each other

but one's heaven one's hell you know what I mean no that's just they're not in heaven and hell they're just guarding the door they're identical brothers. They're going to stick up for each other. But one's heaven, one's hell. You know what I mean? No, that's just what they're doing. They're not in heaven and hell. They're just guarding the door. They're just doing their job. I just distract one of them. So they're in front of heaven and hell.

You'd be like, lad, look over there. And he wouldn't notice you twatting his identical brother. He'd feel it. I'd suck a punch in. I'd just go, whoa, did you hear that? You were going gonna say something else as he wasn't looking i'd suck his brother off like oh lad you hear that god god's shouting you whoever's guarding evan god's after you there yeah that's what car says 0.3 seconds is it yeah

car says oh god wants you go and go and get him no what he says is i've got pokes for god go and get him oh dear i love riddles you know always have i'm starting to realize i don't yeah go on i haven't got another one all right there you want they're my closers All right, there you are. They're my closers. No, I'm under pressure as well. You start going, oh, fuck, I don't. Like, the way it's played out, it's set up to be difficult. It's difficult, isn't it, for a reason?

And under that sort of pressure, I'm not like, I've got quite a good knowledge of stuff. Not good at a pub quiz. Oh, I've got one for you. No, under pressure. So these riddles, if you get a chance to work them out, like I am not good, as soon as there's a bit of pressure on, like genuinely, I think my general knowledge is good,

pub quiz, I can get flustered. You know, there's these people that can play high-level sports or whatever. There's sportsmen who are brilliant at sport but can't do it under pressure. In the NFL, I watch players that are just technically brilliant but are known for fluffing in the moment. That's why I get that.

In those situations, I'm like, part of me is trying to work it out. Part of me is trying not to look a bellend. On a podcast where all we do is look like bellends. I was literally doing a Baskin-Shark labourer 10 minutes ago and I'm like, oh shit, hang on, let's not lose face. I'm bad under

that little bit of pressure. I'm great under pressure, which I think sort of levels up my talent football wise. So I think, I'm so good under pressure it doesn't faze me.

That although I'm not like the most naturally gifted footballer, if you want someone to take the fifth penalty in a penalty shootout for the World Cup final, I genuinely don't think

there's more than 10 men on the planet you'd rather have than me. Yeah. Just on pressure. I can't think of 10 men better than you in football. Just under,

this feels like we're in a lockdown. I'm good at everything! All right, Adam. Yeah! I've got another riddle for you though, Toto.

Oh, God. A man comes into town on Sunday. He stays for three days and then leaves on Sunday. How does he do that? I think you've asked that wrong, you know. No, I haven't. You sure?

A man comes into town on Sunday. How does everyone know these riddles? Why do you all know? Oi, studio audience. How do you all know riddles? How do you not know this one? A man comes into town on Sunday.

I've been having conversations with my friends over the last few years. I think the second... The third way to use it is a bit ambiguous, that's all. I think you can change that. There's a better way of saying it. Well, I'll say it again

because I know it. It's rides. I'll tell you what, that fifth penalty is not looking to show now because under pressure you can't remember the riddle. A man rides into town on Sunday,

stays for three days and leaves on Sunday. A man rides into town. Yeah. His horse is called Sunday. Yeah. So a man comes into Sunday and his horse is called Sunday

is a different riddle. A man comes into Sunday. That's not what I is a different riddle. A man comes into Sunday. That's not what I said. He leaves his dick in it. Comes to town on Sunday. Yeah. Got a horse called Sunday. Yay.

So a man fucks a horse called Sunday. Keeps his dick in the horse for... Three days. Three days. Good one, that. I have no idea what you're talking about. Do you never do riddles? No.

We often sit up until three. If you haven't worked out that I do not do riddles... If it takes a man... You need to work it out. This is the riddle do you never do riddles no we often sit up until three if you haven't worked out that i uh do not do riddles if it takes a man to work it out this is the riddle does dan do riddles fucking no if it takes one man three weeks to dig a hole how long will it take two men to dig half a hole it's so stupid if you don't get this you know come on that takes one man three weeks to dig a hole how long will it take two men to dig half a hole half a hole yeah what what are you doing? Keep thinking. Keep talking. It takes one man.

Oh, you were nearly there. Three weeks. Right. To dig a hole. Yeah. How long will it take two men to dig half a hole? So it's... Glad you were nearly there.

Shut up. I just don't get what you mean Why? Do you mean half a hole So it's half the size So it takes half the length of time Answer the question I don't understand Keep pulling the thread

I can repeat what I've said But I can't give you any more information So half a hole takes a week and a half. You're nearly there. I don't get it. There's no such thing as half a hole, you daft cunt.

I know, but I... That's the answer. Right. And you enjoy these. These are good. Do you know what the best one is? The stick game. You can't play it on this

because it's a video. I've stopped enjoying this section of the podcast. Oh, there's a game that we play. What? How can you dig it out of a hole? Not bad. There's a game we play called the stick game that you can get someone for weeks

and it ruins friendships. You know it, don't you? Yeah, you beat your mate to death with a stick. The horsey fucking knows the stick game. He was raised on the stick game. It was the original squid game. That was the original pilot stick games. Send your riddles in.

No. Yeah, send us riddles in. Don't. I'm going to delete them instantly. If I see riddle, if I see any random, I'll be like, gone. Send them to me on Instagram. I'll bring them next week. I'll do some prep.

That's basically like them being deleted as well. I'll riddle you this. If I've sent 16 things to Adam's Instagram, why haven't I got a response? Eh? Eh? Yeah?

Come on. Unpack it. Unravel it. You're there. Delete all. Pow. Do you not like them now? I didn't enjoy that last one

particularly that's the best you've done what that's the best you'd found the hole the problem the thread you just didn't pull hard enough

yeah it's great good fun when we're doing episode seven billion let's come back to the old riddles ones what's black and white

and red all over shut your mars gaping ardles one what's black and white and red all over your mars what's black and white and red all over no we're doing children's jokes oh is he

answer it then child do you know the answer to that one there's actually two answers it is there's a bantam answer

yeah and the real there's a newspaper and a murdered cow. I say sunburned penguin. He says murdered cow. I think sunburned penguin is the lighter childhood one. A cow who has been cut and is bleeding out. Stop crying, Etta.

These are riddles. Uncle Adam will teach you them. What hurts like fuck? Me, if I fucking punch you, squared in the face. Think about it. It's a riddle. Adam, can you think of any riddles

you'd like to make up you think to get done? I'll make some up this week if you want. Can I go for second lunch? Should know I like. It's one done. What's the biggest podcast in the comedy fucking game?

Joe Rogan. leg it's one done what's the biggest podcast in the comedy fucking game is it your mom's house no it's this oh it's this the biggest fastest could i want number one for about two or three days i think we've got genuinely the number one listener to patreon turnover in the world yeah Yeah. Ratio. Yeah. In my head, I'm trying to like, which I think makes us the best. Trying to catch me out. Yeah.

I think that makes us the best because everyone who listens roughly comes over. Listens roughly. Someone put a pair of Twitter, didn't he? I can't remember who it was. Sorry.

Do you know how good this podcast is? It's a free podcast it's 7,000 people voluntarily pay for can't remember who it was

shout out whoever it was by the end of this episode it should be 60,000 we'll check for the riddle

section alone we're moving the riddles exclusively to the episode it's going to be a riddle

phone each episode phone each episode because I am having a sick day Even the riddles exclusively explained to him. It's going to be a riddle phone-y show. Phone-y show. Because I am having a sick day. Have you ever heard of riddle conspiracy theories? No! AIDS. Speaking of conspiracy theories. No! I'm out.

No, listen, listen. Just to tie it back to gambling, right? Oh, that was good. Do you remember gambling? They reckon that's why Will Young won Pop Idol. Because so many people had bet on Gareth Gates. So the bookies got in touch with Simon Cowell and gave him a little backhand there because they were like,

yeah, look, we're going to lose big time if old G-Dog wins this. So that Will Young win. Who's they? What? You say they reckon? The Peaky Blinders. Don's gone.

Gone. Gone. Dan is gone. Megab! just you know look into it. Don't believe... Don't believe everything the MSM tells you. Will Young won fuck all. Gareth Gates was like 1-12 on. The bookies don't lose.

Adam, get off your phone. We're going to do a manscaped ad. I'm reading what they want us to say. All right, we'll crack on. Ho, ho, ho, gentlemen. The holiday season is upon us. And this week's episode, like many others, is brought to you by our partners at manscaped.com.

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That was better than the high-end. Dan's a great help with that, Bert. You shave your balls, your missus will smoke at a pipe with her face a little bit more often. And she could use it to trim the pum-pum. She can. And there's the weed whacker. You can shove that up your nose.

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with the promo code WARD20. In all seriousness, these products are the absolute dog's shaving bollocks, and they make a perfect Christmas present. So go and get yourself some stuff right now and enjoy the rest of the episode. Peace. And we are back. Do you want to do some more riddles?

No. What? Can't tell you how much I hate them and it's growing that's mad I hate real can we move the fuck on look at Carl's weird face we're all waiting for you

we left you the gap there Dan riddle me this why are you being a cunt that's fair I thought you were all going to do another one I've got one if you want it We're all waiting for you. We left you the gap there, Dan. Riddle me this. Why are you being a cunt? That's fair. I thought you were all going to do another one like... I've got one if you want it. Oh, shoot me in the fucking face. I'm saying if you want one. If any of these go dry,

I've got one locked and loaded. Ready? All right, lids. When I was 15, I got one of my bollocks removed. I have more in common with Hitler and Robert Mugabe than my actual dad. We all have one nut, not mass genocide.

I thought it would make me less successful with the ladies, but actually women find it oddly fascinating. Women are liars. Yeah. I could have had a plastic one fitted but I chose not to I still have a lone ranger down there my question is if you had to lose one body part

that people would see so not like a kidney what would it be and why love the pod lots of love Dan Overton one of me ears one ball Dan

before we go into our answers can we just talk about I don't know Robert McGarvey I don't know if I know yeah I didn't know if it was like. I didn't know Ron Ball. Yeah. I didn't know if it was like, maybe there's some link to the evil.

When you first read it out, Ron Ball has... An evil bollock. When you first read it out, I thought you were saying, because he says, I've got more in common with Robert Mugabe and Hitler than me dad, as if his dad's got loads in common

with Robert Mugabe and Hitler. His dad's his chairman, Bob. has got loads in common with Robert Mugabe and Hitler. Stands with Chairman Mao. I didn't know Robert Mugabe had one ball. I didn't. That's not common knowledge,

is it? Mugabe has only got one ball and it's... Where is it? Rotherham. Rotherham. In a basement in Rotherham pinned up

on a bedroom wall. Basement bedroom. Yeah. With Robert Mugali's. By a very weird collector. Right. Back to seven. The Rotherham seven.

Pugabi. If I lost one of my balls. Greed! I'll kill you with Greg's one. If I lost one of my balls, I think I'd go the gaslighting route. I think I'd just put like a golf ball down there. And then when girls are like, oh, what the fuck's that?

I'd be like, it's one of me bollocks. That's what they all look like. Yeah, they've only seen weird ones. Yours isn't normal. So you'd have one normal ball and then one golf ball. Jesus. You'd have to be careful sitting down there, wouldn't you? Because you could really badly damage your one golf ball. Jesus. You'd have to be careful sitting down there, wouldn't you?

Because you could really badly damage your one remaining ball. I just don't know. It just feels like a golf ball's not... Like, he nearly had a plastic one fitted. More like a ping pong, I would think. Like a table tennis ball. You had quite a heavy golf ball, didn't you? My balls are heavy, though.

Like, golf ball heavy. But they bounce you as well. Yeah. I weighed me balls once on the kitchen scales. But tell us anyway. Riddle me this. I've got two balls that are on the kitchen scale. How angry was my mum?

No, this was like last year. Oh, sorry, yeah. This was your kitchen scales. Yeah, I was hungover. I was like, I want my bowls back. What else are you going to do? How much did you weigh? Hung over science with six kilos.

Can't remember. It's the endeavor for knowledge that's the important thing, not the information. Get your bowls off the fucking kitchen side. No! I'm trying to learn. I didn't have them on the kitchen side. I'm not that tall.

I just held the... I thought you went up to it No That would give a false reading I think Which is important isn't it Once you're putting your fucking balls on you Because he knows the actual reading So he doesn't want a false reading Stuck with them didn't he

I think they were like a kilogram or something Kilogram 970 grams Something like that Oh just shy of a kilogram Yeah Well yeah Nearly yeah nearly well that's good if you ever post them um i was only three pounds 20 let's get the tape measure out 40 centimeters Can I just say This guy

I like the question But has Have we ever talked about Having one ball Has this been Has this Dan Is Dan reacting to something

We've talked about When we had Somebody on with the pump Pumpy bollock The pumpy dick Yeah So you take out a bollock And you get a re-buck pump

in one of your balls. Yeah. Which just sounds fucking... Amazing. Yeah. Pump your dick up. You can pop your dick though. That's the worry, isn't it?

Yeah. So, good for you, Dan. I'm really glad. I think that's a really healthy way of dealing with the one testicle. Just keep it one down there. Cross your legs more easily. Would anyone really notice?

How often are women staring at your bollocks and being like, something's missing? Would anyone really ever notice? Wouldn't it be flatter? I just think women around bollocks is a dangerous game. You don't know what to do. The dick is where it all happens. I don't like that Paul Tonkinson bit about that awful moment

when you look down and your missus has got one of your testicles in her mouth on a blowjob, and she's looking up at you like a dog with a ball, like, what, what have I got? And you're like, don't fucking move too quickly. I watch porn when there's like two women giving a blowjob, and one's like, oh, I'm on the dick.

And the other one's like, well, gotta keep meself busy. Oh, I'm up with a ball. I'm like, ow. Actual dialogue in the porn. I was like, ow. in the porno as well yeah it's filmed at

Granada Bootle what I'll do the fucking dick you do the balls Sansa get on the balls pop pop pop pop like Steve Royal

doing his blowing him yeah I don't think I know what to do with the testicles and things just stay away yeah

I don't like my balls being sucked. No. There's too much pressure on them. It hurts. Yeah. It does hurt, doesn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. But it's not pain. Oh, you don't squeeze. No, it's not pain. It's like, the pain's there. It's about to go. Whoa.

Careful. Yeah. Went into it, mate. Tickle, fine. Sorry. Yeah, I do like a little tickle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. At what point,

first contact, you just get, you look at each other, just even before you kiss it? Yeah, I do like a little tickle. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. At what point, first contact, you're looking at each other, just even before you kiss, she goes... Yeah, like... Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Before she's kissed you,

before there's anything happened, she tickles your bollocks. Yeah. Right, like she's scratching under a dog's chin, like, who's a good boy? It's just like... That's how you initiate sex. It's very sensitive down there, isn't it?

So you just... Like, just a little caress. Oh, what's that? Oh, mate. My Z4 makes me a nonce, does it? Look at your fingers. Why is she only using

the middle two? The bowling ball doesn't work on balls. I like getting me balls fingered. Just slowly, gently. Do you know, it's not even the balls

It's the bollock hair I just want me hair stroked I want it to play with me hair Oh my god Platter Brush me hair With your simple animal Brush your girlfriend's hair

Get some brushes Get a few Get the tats out I honestly think in the whole going down there and having fun, blowjobs all the time in the world, but it feels like girls have to be like, I'm going to go

even further. There's like a natural progression of, well, I'm giving you a blowjob, now I'm going to do balls, and then maybe I'll go for a bit of the old scrunt. Do you like Gooch Black? I reckon we can just miss the balls. We can literally pretend there's roadworks at Balltown and go a diversion

straight to Scrumville. There's nothing better than your bollocks getting tickled while you're getting sucked off. Right. Fact.

Fact. I'll stand by that. Flesh bedding. Yeah. How long are your bollocks? It's a trombone. Got to coax them out of a cave. Like a native American.

Trying to tell someone they need milk. A new racism? Yeah, that is. Is that bad? Yeah. I don't know if it is, really. Because, you know, we're in Merseyside. I don't think anyone's like, right, oh, brilliant.

I'm actually half Native American. Oh, no, no, no. Fucking analogy. What, um... I thought that was... That's fine. Adam's instant quick answer to this was he'd lose an ear. He'd lose an ear. He'd lose an ear.

Yeah. So if you had to lose a body part. You just lose an ear and then whenever you get photographs taken, you just stand on an angle. Is there anything you need your ear for? Pictures? Just hope you become king and get on stamps. King Adam, which way are you facing?

Don't be a knobhead about it. The good side. The good side. Yeah, it's losing ear and you're just like... I don't think I've ever seen anyone who's lost an ear. Yeah, because you're just showing it. I've seen hard people who used to be fighters who've got cauliflower ear

and that makes me more scared of them. Yeah. And then you're just like, look at their eyes, look at their eyes. You're just like, so? If you're just like look at their eyes look at their eyes you're just like if you're watching erm something you can hide

your face like a what lose your face you'd lose your face not your head no yeah

just no face yeah right do you want to backtrack on that or are you sticking with it no it's an icebreaker isn't it why no you want to backtrack on that or are you sticking with it? It's an icebreaker, isn't it? Why?

No, you have to do small talk. No mouth. It's an icebreaker. It's all up to them, isn't it? You're just sitting there like... I think it's an ice former. And you just walk up to a girl and you haven't got eyes, nose or a mouth.

No mouth then, because it's small talk. It's all up to them to initiate and you can just nod them off. Are you going to say goodbye to anyone? Wave at them. You can't kiss them in the arsehole can you? Oh shit I can't believe we missed another one of Carl's jokes

Oh that's right he's got no mouth What would you lose? I'd go I'd go leg What? The biggest of the limbs From the knee down The anro

Oh fucking hell Only you can say that I think I know yeah i wasn't ready for that take it from me it didn't look easy for me man i'd lose something else about you like i don't know a finger oh yeah there you go oh that's a bit of a fucking no you don't lose a thing you look weird my ex my ex-girlfriend had a thing about Your balance is in your toes Oh yeah You're well known for your balance Mate he just said

He didn't want a face So I don't think he's about Kind of like Yeah yeah That's a fucking ridiculous Oh I can't talk I would never lose

You can't How the fuck am I talking I know This is getting so convoluted No because I look at Adam Hills Who hasn't got a foot and he looks sound on it

he's got a fake foot hasn't he yeah he was I think he was born like that my ex-girlfriend had a thing with fingers

she she was mental and she was like when I meet when I meet guys when she was single I had to check they had all the fingers

because she had a phobia of people who didn't have a finger. She'd be like, oh, yeah, you seem nice. He'd be like, can I buy you a drink? She'd be like... Why was she shagging Jeremy Beedle? What was going on? That was her ex. Yeah?

Yeah. Can't go through that. Reminds me of Jeremy. Beedle's about. We're right in my puss-puss. He can't get all the way in can he He hasn't got any fingers He's had a little light squirt on didn't he

Can we do a riddle No I'm joking What is something That everyone has? A name. Yeah. They're good riddles. Can we give some advice?

Probably not. Can we give some advice? Hey, lids, I need some advice on dealing with a grade A cunt. This is from Samantha. Me and a mate started a CCTV business last year and it was going really well, but we both ended up going back into full-time work. So we decided to call it quits and close everything down. He kept the company car we bought that ended up getting scrapped and kept the money and also kept all the tools and equipment he bought on the company card.

I've been left with a £4,000 business loan that was took out in my name. It's £100 a month and we agreed to halve it as we were both responsible for spending that loan. But he's since distanced himself and dodges messages and will just not pay. It's now affecting my finances every month

and I would let karma run its course, but I thought I'd get some advice from the lids of what I can do in terms of revenge because I can't see him paying his debts anytime soon. Thanks,

Samantha. Oh, Jesus. We're just, this rang true for me as well because you've been buying stuff. I don't know,

you know, this business is growing. Imagine if I just turned up in Runcorn and you're all fucked off. With what? Loaning my name i was like i'm gonna get very far lads riddle me this where's your fucking podcast dan we'd never leave

you done um and if you did anything to us you know i would petrol bomb your house so yeah house fire is the best way no one laughed there no laughed there. No one at home laughed. Everyone just went, yeah. There's a risk of that. I've never, I think money and mates is a fucking tricky one, isn't it? It's a famous phrase, isn't it? Wise guys know there's danger in emotional ties. Yeah. Yeah.

It is a thing. Such a famous saying. But we've gone directly against that because the first person we brought into this podcast is your best mate yeah so do you have to

balance that off people used to say that about me and being mates and him being mates with me about me and like Paul Blair who owns Hot Wheels a comedy club

because we're such good mates they were like it's a business relationship and wise guys know there's danger in emotional size if you're mates you can long term fuck up business stuff

that's just an only trip if one of you turns out to be a cunt yeah but also this business of ours is benefited from by you being mates so like he's on board because it works on the pod and everything but like as we grow and we need things like you should just have professional

relationships really so that you can be like it's not good enough that needs doing again But like, as we grow and we need things, like, you should just have professional relationships, really. Yeah. So that you can be like, it's not good enough. That needs doing again or whatever. Yeah. I can't like... The thing is, though, we've done quite well at just being like that anyway.

It's very rare he does anything fuck up or fin or stay. But as soon as they are, like, I've got no problem telling someone that we work with. Never mind somebody who works... We're on the same team, aren't we? Yeah, it's just... 40 of you that makes me like, let's just do it better. We want mind somebody team aren't we yeah it's just let's just do it better we want to win don't we yeah it's like when i don't put the clip up he tells me off he's like fucking put the clip on the fucking thing yeah but then there's there's this country in there when you've you've gone into business with a mate who's an actual cunt

and has left you high and dry with a business loan that must be fucking stinging like i just think you don't get my advice with this sort of thing is don't get into a business relationship like that with anyone you don't 100 trust because i guarantee anyone who has got that in them to do that it's a very conscious and deliberate thing that's not like he knows what he's doing anyone like that you know miles before they do it that they're not 100% trustworthy right so actually the advice is it's not about emotional ties it's about knowing like being truly close and like really true so actually it's not don't trust someone that you like I've got mates. It's about

really loving them or knowing them or truly being close to them because then you can trust them. We've been best friends for a long time so it is different there and you know we're very close we know everything about each other and whatever. There's mates I've got who I'm really really good mates with

and would absolutely go for a pint with them whenever they ask me to go who I'm really, really good mates with and would absolutely go for a pint with them whenever they ask me to go, who I would never bring in to be part of this. Yeah, absolutely. Like,

even if they were like, I'm down on my luck and I'm fucked and I need a job, I'd be like, well, as your mate and what I know about you,

I don't trust you. I feel like you'll fucking rob a few hundred quid out the till or whatever. I know we haven't got a till, but you know like when we've got like some sort of bar set up and we've got a brand new studio or whatever. Like if that ever happens, there's people I'd be like, I wouldn't work with you.

You mean mate? An absolute, I've got mates who I don't trust with the kitty on a night out. Yeah. Yeah. And they're mates. Oh yeah. You were about to mates but you've just got to keep an eye on them they're fun, they're relatively harmless as long as you keep an eye on them

but there's people I'm just like I'm not putting 20 quid of my money in your pocket chances people who just make a quick book hold them closer tiny chances yeah that's the famous do keep your job say that as well don't they yeah oh hold me closer tiny chances blue team fucking baby they famously say that don't they keep your friends close keep your chances closer keep your friends close but shoot your enemies in the head and what

chances say have you heard that phrase a mob fuck your wife in the ass but keep fuck your friends harder and what chances say is um i can change your mind take a chance on me take a chance take a chance take a chance and then the one with the stammer goes Chance They famously say that Chance is with a stutter Yeah Yeah Anymore Chance

Chance the rapper Chance the rapper Sigs it Anything he says goes Changes by Tupac Yeah Similar That was originally chances

I've seen old chances Wake up in the morning and ask myself is life love moving to the chance myself well tupac learned the wrong way because he actually had a cctv business with biggie smalls that's a little that's a little known fact that um you know in the early 90s there was a recession yeah and tupac and Biggie they had a CCTV business here and Biggie Smalls had a loan out and it was affecting his finances

a £4,000 loan Tupac just you know is this email from Tupac what no it mentioned in the last episode

that he's living in Cornwall California it's pronounced Cornwall Columbia California so what can you do?

You've got to cut your losses and just say, and put it down to life experience. Yeah. Or shoot them and make it look like a hip hop rivalry. What I would do is, you know, find someone down in Vegas after a Mike Tyson fight. I genuinely, like, I'm not condoning violence. I'm just telling people what I would do. This is instruct isn't it because i'm your business partner let me just pay attention

what would you do if someone fucked you over in a business sort of situation i would in some way ruin their life right why just asking them riddles out over and over turn the freezer off and go to work i would like oh that hurt me then I would drive them insane I would just like do little things where they're like

I didn't put that there just move stuff slightly out the way so they're constantly questioning reality break into their house live there and be mildly inconvenient

she won't even answer calls I'd just keep moving them I'm talking about me missus I'd just I'd just keep making them question reality and then at one point I'd hire a gang to beat them up obviously

Less playful They're not the weakest Have you seen the French film Amelie She sort of gets revenge on him In a more playful sort of whimsical way Violence is often the answer What is it in Matilda In Matilda she changes her dad's like

Hair dye it's his hair tonic into like His mum's peroxide and stuff like that that's quite good yeah put rice in every shampoo a little more playful than and just get a gang to twat them yeah cut their tires all the time so you slice the tires they get them fixed next day again people will run out of tire money eventually get them back with tires yeah put like fake bombs through their letterbox. Oh my god. Oh I like that one. Adam's got

Adam's got no whimsy in him. Hurt them physically with a gang so it's not you. Yeah you just pay smack heads to do it.

Right. Put a Catherine wheel on the front door. Sorry what? You pay a gang a gang of smack heads. Yeah.

Right. They'll do anything for a bit of smack. But they're not going to twat people very well like A gang of them will. A gang of them heads yeah right they'll do anything for a bit of smack but they're not going to twat people very well like a gang of them will a gang of them will yeah

not seen zombie films they're just smack heads they're more dangerous in numbers yeah they're just smack heads they've been paid to beat people up

zombie films some really high achieving smack heads round your way haven't you put a silly string in the locks good

that's a yeah pour on top of a door a bucket with water into it jumps the door round your way, haven't you? Put silly string in the locks. Good. That's a... Yeah. Pour on top of a door a bucket with water into it and it drops the door. Put boiling water.

Yes. Adam's evil twist. Silly string with explosives. Oh, but yeah. Betrayal deserves horrific violence and torture

for as long as necessary. Good. I will remember that. Shag is dead. When I'm not. That is actually a. Shag his dad. When I'm not big. That is actually a really good idea. Yeah. Go to a bar where you know his dad is.

He might not know you. Probably he doesn't. Be all over him. Suck his dick. Bomb his head off. Bam. Bob's your uncle. Does she want to fuck old men?

He might not be old. Revenge. He might be fit old. Maybe like George Clooney. Maybe he had a child when he was 12. Maybe. Eh? I'm thinking of these things. bench maybe maybe he had a child when he was 12 maybe hey i'm thinking these things

you need to start sucking all men's dicks that's how you become as fertile quite early

isn't it yes he's an angel that's all i'm saying a virile man

shag his dad that's the best thing to do I'm violent this is from Callum in Preston wag wag cheb lover lids

I'm buying three pygmy goats and I want you to name them go Ed pods fucking class three goats you only need two

for the game show lad it's from before call two stinky fucking goats And one a billion pounds Mohamedou What? Call a goat Mohamedou Oh

Or Clint If you're going to have three goats It's got to be like Brady Jordan Isn't it? What? Oh after the goats

Like the greatest of all time. Brady, Jordan and Harry Robertson. Yeah. It's nicely done. There you go. Easy. Or Clinton. Dan Johnson's a goat as well for us though.

I reckon Harry, Dan. Johnson. And Eshan. Yeah. Harry, Dan and Eshan. Or Tom Brady. Harry, Dan and Eshan. Yeah. Harry, Dan and Eshan. Or Tom Brady. Harry, Dan and Eshan. He's not really good on this show.

I've never seen him. Yeah. I've asked him. We emailed him. Oh, no, I'm gone. I can see what you're trying to do there. You're trying to get one to be called Dan. No.

Harry, Adam and Eshan. I'm so jealous of Harry Robinson's life in Oklahoma he's going to an execution I'm jealous of that he's actually fucking going yeah yeah so Julius

Caesar Julius Caesar's execution he's going to Julius Caesar it's in March there you are I got it thank you I'll get that

shall it be in July? why? because July is named after Julius Caesar I got it. Thank you. I've got that. Shall it have been July? Why? Because July is named after Julius Caesar. Caesar? Where? Oh, here. It is? Sap, he died in March.

July is named after him. I thought it was named after Julie. No, it's named after Julius Caesar. August is named after Augustus. August was named after Julie no it's named after Julius Caesar August is named after Augustus Augustus Augustus yeah

January is named after Jan Venigola Hessling Jan Jan your auntie Jan Venigola

Hessling it's January isn't it because December is Dec for the 10th month But then there's

Two extra ones Because of the Greeks Always wanting That's right It was the Julius Julius Calder Now it's the Gregorian Calder He's not wrong

Julian Calder Sorry Phenomenal He's right So it was 10 And Dec was 10 But they just

Nudged it back to 12 So where was the two added? July. And August. And August were the two that was added. I don't know about August but no July was added by July.

Yeah, it's Augustus someone. It's not Augustus Gloop. That was a joke. It's someone else called Augustus. Empress Augustus. There you go. Empress. Emperor Augustus.

That'll be him. That sounds right. Yeah, there was an Augustus, wasn't there? Yeah. It's really hard not to think Gloop in your head. Augustus. From Harry there? Yeah. It's really hard not to think gloop in your head. Augustus.

From Harry Robinson. Goat. The goat. Lead in nicey. Sap in lids. I came across this absolute monstrosity today. Pitcher attached. Could you put it in?

Is there someone out there? Liquid cheese in a can. Oh, American cheese For all your liquidy cheese convenience needs If you could put any food into a spray can So you could have a convenient sprayed meal on the go Or something to whip out on a date To improve your restaurant food

In front of your disappointed date What would you go for? All the best, Harry Robbo Roast Dinner Spray roast Into his mouth Spr spray like a lamb house just it but it's but it's not going to look perfectly like a roast it's going to be

all those flavored flavors congealed into a spray oh i thought it was like a 3d printer yeah lad you're not roasting a lamb, are you? Use Adam's 3D lab. In five hours, you'll have... Kinder Bueno. Kinder Bueno spray. Yeah. But what makes that more convenient

than just having a Kinder Bueno and then just taking it out of the wrapper? What makes spray cheese more convenient than normal cheese? Touché. Good point. What do you think about 3D printers? Press the button. I don't know, I've never...

I've just seen a few YouTube videos. You can make everything. Yeah. It has backfired on some people seen a few YouTube videos. Yeah, you can paint a gun. Yeah. It has backfired on some people. People have killed themselves. Yeah, literally. Like, the gun has backfired and because they're made out of plastic,

like, the bullet has come out the back. I'm like, what? That's natural selection, though, isn't it? Like, if the police turn up and they're like, oh, this knobhead printed a plastic gun and shot himself backwards with a plastic bullet. But they're real guns, you know? Like, although they're plastic,

if you do it right, it functions as a gun. So there's places in America, and obviously the gun laws in America... Is it a bullet that's in it? You buy the bullets. They're regular bullets. You don't print the bullets. Don't print bullets.

That's no... Okay. Because you can't print gunpowder. Yeah, but you can print all the components of a gun and build it, and it's a non-serial numbered gun. Yeah. Like...

An unlicensed weapon. Yeah. But they are pretty suspicious at airport security if you try and put a 3D printer through security. You could get the gun on a plane because it's plaster. No, you're right. I was being silly, though. Have you ever taken something through security down?

No, that's stupid. You'd already print it at home. Excuse me, are you trying to get a printer through airport security? No. No, I'm just taking it with me. I just don't want to put it in hold.

Also, do you have any PowerPoints that I can use? Have you ever taken something crazy through... A flick comb. Oh, like a gangsta-y comb. I got picked up by my dad. It was the French trip first year of

school year seven french trip went to boulogne had an absolute whale of a time and then coming back i got picked up because we were going on holiday from there my dad had to drive down to uh meet us off the off the ferry he picked me up and we were getting a flight from gatwick and i think we were going to somewhere like crete or greece we were going on holiday and i'd bought a flick comb that looked like a flick knife and then you flicked it it was a comb and i was so fucking proud of it i'd saved my little franks because it was pre-euro dead happy it was really cool like oh have you got a knife and then at airport security they were were like, what's this? My dad was like,

my dad was always grumpy through childhood. He was like, what's this? I was like, it's a foot comb. But you know, you're like, it's the best thing I've ever owned. We can't really let you take this on because it's like a knife. I wish I had the presence of mind to go, but it's not though, is it?

It's a fucking comb comb you joyless cunt if I can hijack as by the way a small wimpy looking 11 year old child with beautifully combed hair and this is pre 9-11 innit

this is pre 9-11 if I can hijack a blade by going lad I need to get this Boeing 737 I'm gonna need controls over it

and they're like oh god don't make him flick the knife out shut up you fucking dicks let me have my comb my dad was like pathetic

put it in the bin no it goes in the bin he deserves it I took 70 quid's worth of cocaine to call him Andy yeah through passport security yeah

the Welsh border to show Avicii I was cool I took 70 pounds yeah of cocaine to sell or to do so 70 pounds just to turn the year weight or worth cool. I took £70. Yeah. Of cocaine to Calamendi. £70. Just to turn the year.

Weight. Or worth. Weight. Right. £70 weight. That's not a bag, it's a shipment. Yeah. Took that to Calamendi to make the year four Calamendi trip a little bit more interesting. Yeah. Ended up getting detention.

At a prison. I actually did get detention on that column in these two yeah not for the cocaine though no for writing peg leg is going to get you in the wardrobe oh yeah i bought a dagger in nicaragua january patreon episode was it was one of our better ones i bought a dagger a dagger in nicaragua in my suitcase. A dagger? And that's not a joke. A dagger? You got a dagger in Nicaragua? I'm just giving Adam thinking time. I got a gun from Gabon. This is true, though.

I should have gone bomb. I got a bazooka from Timbuktu. You did as well. No, it was in me He didn't write I got a lead pipe From Lebanon Go on

I got it And it was in me Hold bag Rather than me big bag But you bought a dagger Yeah it was It was like an ornate dagger In like a marker

I was genuinely Going to buy a sword In Croatia They're just great aren't they I loved them It looks so sick In me room And if someone comes in I can fucking dagger them in Croatia they're just great aren't they I love them it looks so sick in my name and if someone comes in

I can fucking dagger them it's true and she was like oh you have to put it in swords are like axes and baseball bats they are self-defense but they are

like if the police ever rage it out like have you got a sword like yeah it's an ornament it's a letter opener yeah like if you've got a machine gun

you can't be like that's an ornament they'll take that away yeah but like it's a letter opener by the way if you've got a machine gun You can't be like That's an ornament They'll take that away Yeah But like It's a letter opener By the way If you've got a sword mounted

In your living room You're a massive haemophiliac Why? Paul Slipher It's just so bad Paul Slipher's just got it Down the side of your bed Oh and he's well known

For being a classy act Oh Get the sword Get the orange Lambo We're going out Like what? What's wrong with having a sword? You're trash.

You're garbage. No, I've got a sword. Oh, it's fucking horrible. Are you kidding me? I've got an axe down the side of my bed. Yeah, no, but that's different. Why not? No, you've not got a sword on your fucking wall, have you?

Not yet. But I will at some point. And I've got a hoodie with a wolf on it. Oh! Why? Like, Serica's got a hammer under her bed. Yeah. And I always ask her, why?

Why do you have an axe next to your bed? Self-defense. For what? If someone breaks in. So if someone breaks in, you're going to run down, hit them with an axe? Whip me dick out, yeah. Just put a wardrobe against the door and ring the plod. No one gets axed to death then.

Yeah, but what if they get in? What if they get in? I haven't got a wardrobe in my room. Put a bed up against the bed. You'd be fucking strong to put your bed out the way. If your first instinct... If I can move a bed to the door, they can move it away from the door.

No, you just leverage against the wall. It's that easy. Don't hit burglars with axes. Hey, by the way... No, I absolutely would. You'd hit a burglar with an axe. Without even feeling an inch of remorse to save me and Sam and the dog.

Save? What do you mean? They're murderers, they're not burglars. Why are the burglars murderers? Well, some burglars, sometimes things get out of hand, don't they? Yeah, because you've got an axe. Yeah, because you tried to hit them with an axe. You're making it get out of hand

by having a fucking axe in your hand. Like, I would try and stop them getting into the room, but I think that's, I think offence is the best form of defence. And running at them screaming with an axe is much more preventative than just waiting

for them to get into your face and by the way if you've got a sword on the wall that's what they're going to kill you with they're going to break in trying to steal stuff

you're going to come down with your dick out and your axe and then they're going to go oh there's a sword on the wall here let's have a fight in this dickhead's living room

well for the first few nights after I bought the axe I did forget it and leave it on the couch left it Let's have a fight in this dickhead's living room. Well, for the first few nights after I bought the axe, I did forget it and leave it on the couch. Left it by the front door. Help yourself, lads. It's time to stop here. Yeah, I absolutely...

Look, we joke about this all the time, and I'm a lover, not a fighter, but to defend myself and especially the people I love... No, but you're not defending yourself. They're not coming to kill you, you weirdo. That's what they want you to think.

They're just coming to break in your house. These are the smackers that you are going to pay to beat someone up. They've just come for your TV and you're like,

I will defend my wife to be well! You're just going to end up missing and fucking putting an axe in your own shin. If they take me TV,

then they're going to take me recording of the Liverpool 4 Barcelona 0. Right, which is basically like, you know, tying you up and bumming you. I love that like it's me son. Again, it's back to the thing that Laura's always like, you left the kitchen door unlocked all night.

We could have been murdered. You're like, you were getting murdered anyway. The kitchen door could be locked. Oh, we can't get in. No murderer's going to be like, oh, shit. I've come to murder a family, but I will not

damage property. I just won't do it. Now, I'm on Laura's side there. Oh, yeah, of course. Lock the door. Murderers are just like, oh, let me just

try all these doors. One of these is unlocked. I'm going to kill a family. Now, fucking stupid. the door. Yeah, of course you do. That's a mistake, not locking it, but that doesn't mean you're going to get murdered family. You lock the door. Of course you do. That's a mistake, not locking it.

But that doesn't mean you're going to get murdered. It means it's easier. It is easier. I love the thought of you. Why are you making it easier for people to get in and murder you? So, they've come to murder you. The door's locked. I'm like, I'm done.

I've come with my murdering knife I've come with my syringe With all the drugs What I'd like to do is I want to get Adam Rowe I want to drug him And then bum him And then stab him to death

When he's unconscious But I will not Break a window Because they've watched this And they think Fuck it I'll be good No

Here's the thing Riddle me this I'm a murderer I can't get in What do I do? Let's say there's a murderer And they're coming to your house And the door's open

They're in You wouldn't even hear them open the door Right Right Then they can get to your room Without you hearing them Really slowly If they have to break a window to get in

That gives you time To grab the axe Get down there And be right in the face And smash their head in with it Yeah Adam lives in West Derby Yeah

West Derby yeah West Derby I loved the idea of you hearing a noise downstairs and your first thing Sam murderer get the axe

grab the axe if I hear a noise downstairs in my house you go downstairs with an axe I grab my axe and I go downstairs and you can ask Sam

that is oh my god insane never knock on lay at Adam's house oh fuck i know there's adam's house so you care about your couch and tell you enough to murder someone no i care about me honor right it's definitely your thing in it and on a killing my house there's not something expected from adam rowe today like it's my house fucking get out yeah it's not say that it's not how the law works and it's a lot more convincing it's like the way we have to have nuclear weapons in the country you don't want to use it but you

need everyone to know you've got them unilateral disarmament is what we need you'd go to prison i wouldn't yeah you would for what having an accident and someone for putting it in a burglar's head you would you'd go to prison yeah who says i'm getting caught how wouldn't he catch you what there's a dead smack head he's got an axe with your fingerprints on in your house catch me if you can so right how is anyone going to even know he's dead he's a smack head he buried the body yeah this is very elaborate for somebody How is anyone going to even know he's dead? He's a smackhead. He buried the body? Yeah.

This is very elaborate for someone who's just going to rob your house. Yeah. I'd let them have the telly. No? His garden's full of dead smackheads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Another new lawn at the Rose. I've got the 4-0 Liverpool game. I've got draft day.

I've got the devil's advocates. They're all recording. Oh, my God. You know what I've got? The internet. I don't believe in pirate tell you what as he gets the axe out of the smack head

tell you what I'll kill a smack head but I will not steal from the internet Sam get the shovel we're going digging I can't believe

you were downstairs I'll regularly have your axe what do you mean I'll regularly are you would answer. How regularly do you have your axe? What do you mean? How regularly are you axed up? Once a fortnight. What did you expect when you asked the question?

That is wild. He's going to kill a member of his family with an axe. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't steal a car. You wouldn't axe a smack head. So why would you download a film illegally? Adam Rowe, a new face of piracy. Let's have a break.

I've got no problem defending myself and my possessions. And the 4-0 win. All right, lads, we need to tell you about our sponsor, NordVPN. But if I'm being completely honest and sounding like a granddad, I don't know loads about VPNs.

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them on board as a sponsor megan do you know what the live stream show in December? December 19th? Yeah, goes on sale Friday the 3rd of December. Christmas party. Do you think, you know, because we've spoke about our dicks so much and I sort of over-egged a puddin' on how big mine is and you sort of over-egged a puddin' on how little yours is,

do you think we should close the show by both getting our dicks measured? Oh, no, quick. Jamie's mic's not up. Jamie Hutchinson! Jamie, sorry, you wanted to talk about our dicks. Yeah, you'll wreck penises. No, I won't get wrecked in front of a crowd.

Oh, I will if we sell 4,000 live streams. I will be hard for most of Christmas. What would you be up for that uh getting our dicks measured yeah so as much as i don't want to get my dick out in front of potentially four or five thousand live streams uh sign up um i've got less to lose because you've spent two years talking about your mammoth surgically shortened dick dick. And I've been like, I'm hung like a mosquito. Even if I have a three and a half, four inch dick, everyone's like, good for Dan.

We could get the Guinness World Records there though. And they could see whether yours is the smallest and whether mine's the biggest. Right. But what I'm saying is, when your dick is just a normal average human size dick, it is just a normal, average, human-sized dick, everyone's going to be like... It is just a regular dick.

Right, well, that's the end of that chat because it's not funny anymore. Just thinking about that call. I used to have... Regular-sized dick? I used to have the meat of a monstrous dick and the foreskin of a normal dick, and that's where the surgery came in. What's your dick like, Jamie? Mine's bulbous.

Yeah. Do you know when a snake's at a rabbit and it's just the surgery came in. Watch your dick like Jimmy. Mine's bulbous. Yeah. Do you know how when a snake's at a rabbit and it's just all top ever? I think I need to do something with it to be fair. I've got stretchy foreskin and that. Hang on, a lot of the meat is towards the end of the dick. Oh yeah, it's all, it's top ever. What, like a balloon, a water balloon?

Yeah, it's like you always put too much Blu Tack on a pencil and it just sadly just drops. Yeah. It's not got the structure behind it. So the blood pumps to your dick, but it just sort of inflates. It's like it skips leg day. It's all up the body.

It's all... You need some buttresses. It's all bellend. Your dick needs to do leg day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, tight foreskin? Jamie, can we book you for the Christmas party? We don't want you on, but we want you on and the dick measuring. bellend your dick needs to do leg day yeah yeah yeah what type 4 skin Jamie can we book you for the Christmas party

we don't want you on but we want you on and the dick measuring yeah 4,000 minimum so when mine's not as small as everyone expects and then Adam's isn't as big as everyone expects

we can just you have like water in a condom have you ever seen Kyle Mowgli's dick no it's similar to that but smaller

and less is it like the sock in scum yeah yeah when it's got sn scum yeah when it's got when it's got the balls in it have you been has ray winston used

your dick as a weapon if it was an animated series ray winston would voice it that'd be horrible that'd be good what would it do what are the odds

on me getting Jamie's dick out 6 to 1 in the second half swinging around his ass gamble responsibly I used to

stretch my foreskin to touch the end of your idols because it's quite elastic really yeah so you could have

that as a scene, or a recurring scene. I can pull my scrotum right over my dick, and it looks like a table mantel. Oh, yeah, I've done some stuff like that. I think everyone can do that. Oh, can they? Yeah, I absolutely cannot do that.

You've got little tight balls, have you? My balls' tightness depends on many factors. Yeah, the temperature. Thank you for that. Please, expand on it, Dr. O. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I think Sam mentioned this to you and Seneca. Sure, Sam's about blowjobs, yeah.

Like, do you know, as I'm about to finish, my balls just hide. They just fuck off inside me. Oh, no, yeah, they go up into lock and load position. It's like when a plane Has reached It's altitude And they put

They put the wheels away That's what my balls do You're not a freak there That's the balls getting in like Firing position You're hanging low And like Boys we're about to shoot the cannon

Let's load up Yeah Yeah Oh that's good Yeah Yeah When they're long They're not long enough for me to pull it over me dick.

I'll give it a go. Get the torpedoes in the tube. I'd get about halfway up me dick, I think. With me balls. Right. I've got space for a small car in my... Your 500, then? A small car.

Who needs a garage when you've got my testicles? Now I really want to see your dick Jamie later we'll build to it second section have a word can we see Jamie's dick that's been emailed in for any of the listeners

who are not aware of Jamie's work just yet you will get to know him over the next couple of years he's well and truly on the up but you won

the last ever Beat the Frog hosted by Dan Nightingale. It's a stretch. Hang on. It was a team effort. You didn't just win. With beat. I've been doing Beat the Frog for 18 years.

And obviously when you do the clap off at the end, everyone's trying for five minutes. Everyone gets three cards. Sorry, the audience get three cards. Three people in the audience get cards. And I asked loads of friends, mates, comedians that have done it before. We filmed it all. And if you're a patron, you've got this tonight.

In fact, the pubes were like, oh, I should have signed up to the Patreon. It's out tonight, Monday the 22nd of Novembermber when are we putting out 6 p.m is it 6 p.m 6 p.m it's not the full show as we say with the live shows if you want the full show you've got to be there but it's the highlights there's going to be bits from each comic set and a load of backstage stuff it's it's a really really really well finished product it was put together honestly one of the best nights of my life one of the best nights of my career it was such a fucking fun night and beat the frog has been my favorite show to do from when i started it in 2003 and i'm so glad that i don't get to do anymore like i i wanted to stop doing it i wanted to move to this is what i'm doing now and on a monday we record

and it's the right time at 40 years old to be like, this is a lot of like students in there as well. I'm getting older. They're staying the same age. It's perfect. And I was worried that it would fizzle out. So we did the last ever Beat the Frog, the last dance.

And we recorded it all on Sunday, just gone. And it's been, it's now documented in this amazing film that's going out on Patreon. So it's not just one of the most fun nights of my life to say goodbye to one of my favorite shows i think it's also going to be one of the best live shows we've done like it just the magic was in the air from the minute i walked on i was like oh this feels really good and built and built as well because at first I thought oh people are just going to do the five minutes and that

then you mentioned an act MC Afrika Zulu used to do who did it when I started out and obviously did an impression of him in that we've talked about him

on pod before but I got on the stage and I thought I need to retell that story because it's one of my favourite ever beat the frog moments how fast are pigs and then as the night oh god as the night descended or ascended but descended into further chaos

we were doing shots after every act i know people who were trying to do material it was like it's not working it's not the vibe of the night so like simon lomas who's a fucking good comic who smashes gigs and was almost unbeatable at Beat the Frog back when he was doing it. Got gonged off. Because he went on and was just like, here's what I do. And the audience was like, you're not fucking around.

No. He nudged me when he was doing it. Went, should I go on and say, have you ever been chasing a pig? Because Simon does reference other people's acts and stuff. Yeah. And he didn't do it. So I was like, fuck this.

Are you an Afrikan or an Afrikan? I'm an Afrikan. I'm going on, mate. You're from Greater Manchester. You know when you ask yourself that, am I an Afrikan or an Afrikan? I'm from round here. So it's true and if you

sign up to Patreon if you've not and the patrons you'll get to watch it it is the patrons that were lucky enough to be there in the room so funny watching a show where really good comedians are doing their really good comedy and everyone's like it's alright

but then there was also like that knife edge of like if you try and do something weird it might not work and i've had one of the acts that did it basically go i don't want to be in the patreon special they've got and i'm not going to say it is but they've got very protective like oh it didn't work so it's funny because jamie risked it all referenced the mc africa zulu did his whole fucking set in an African accent. But your material, it could have gone so wrong because we watched one of our mates do something weird

and the crowd went, nope. Nah. And I was dying. When that guy did that and died on his hoop, I laughed more at him than I even did at you, to be honest with you. Like, I loved what you did. I loved what Tony Carroll did.

Tony Carroll essentially just on his stuff as well but that was an introduction to our fans and Tony Carroll always looks like he's fucking about even when he's doing his proper stuff

he looks like he's just being a dick hey Stephen tries his roast of you Stephen tries roast of me will be one of the best bits of it because no one everyone was being

hey you're doing so great brilliant and then Stephen tries he's such a funny joke funny joke right the whole roast in and he's like yep put it all in it don't do it don't insult him yeah yeah you can put it in some of the some of the comics are like yeah you can put that in and you couldn't like that i love that stephen tries turned up with one of the most i've never been roasted it's funny because you're like oh my god that's my soul but also there's a comedian me going that is fucking funny as well it's hard we're gonna we've been talking and have you ever done a roast no no no would you do one it's not my bag that

you're not racking no because i just not i've not hey Jamie, I've learned today in comedy and in podcasting, if something's not your lane, don't worry about it. I've now realised that riddles definitely aren't my... I had a fucking full meltdown and paddy in the first section. So if roast's not for you, that's fine. But I feel after that little moment with Stephen Tries, a roast is definitely something we should be doing. We're thinking of putting on

do you know like the American style yeah yeah yeah we're going to do the roast of Adam and Dan and book six other comics who get to do it and they roast each other

do you think more I think you'd be surprised how long that night goes on right okay when everyone's doing ten minutes and then we get to do ten to fifteen each at the end

that's a long night with six comics eight at an absolute maximum. Right, okay. So who's your picks for... Mulholland, Quinn. Mulholland and Freddie are... Yeah, but we want to sell tickets.

Stephen. I don't know about Jamie. Stephen's got to come back because that was so good. There's... I wonder if Sean Walsh would be good at roasting. I reckon he might be.

I don't think he could take it back. Sean's quite sensitive, isn't he? So then you've also got to be able to take a fucking what you did at the beat the frog was high risk because that could have gone so wrong knackered anyway you can i don't give a fuck so i don't know if you know the reference right ishan came on very early doors ishan is the one of our absolute goats yeah pigmy goats know. Pygmy goats of this podcast. And he did an impression of a African bus driver and started it by going, eh-eh.

Now, that for me is funny. And I'm going to be redoing the intros for the audio soon, and I'm adding that. And you started going, eh. And I started going through the mic, eh-eh. And then the whole audience worked it out. And every sentence Jamie started, he started started going through the mic and then the whole audience worked out and every sentence jamie started he started by going and the whole room went so in my head there are things that i've loved in my career and that is one of my favorite

ever things in my head is how like sort of arrogant you are when you're doing well on stage i thought i'm like freddie mercury live aid i went these fucking love me i've risked it before at the frog have you ever done a black comedy night yeah yeah yeah so when i was just starting out have i yeah but i'm like six months in do you like at the frog you do your mondays then you do out the mondays you get a thursday and yeah go on and go on i was still on mondays right and they had a black comedy night and someone dropped out so this uh used to be a black act well it's still black but not an act um dance off remember dance off yeah he went I'll get you on this.

And he went, oh, it's black comedy and that. I'm not kidding. Oh my God, I've only just got that. Dan Soff. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Carry on. That was his first joke. I, so I'm like, when you start now, you got everything. It's like,

oh, I used to get called lots of names at school and it was just the teachers. That was my kind of stick. Ripped. And I thought, and it's like, it was black. Every audience member Ripped. And I thought, and it's like, it was black.

Every audience member. Did you open up with, eh? Every act's black. But they're all doing like black culture stuff. A bit like Def Jam. Yeah, yeah. So it's like NWA night was how it's marketed. Yeah.

I'm coming on, I'm going to have to reference it. And I thought, I'm going to risk it here. And I stayed on Mondays for a while. I went, my agent's dyslexic. He thought he booked me for gingers with attitude. That's so good. Tell me that. Got a laugh.

It got well. It went well. And then some of them were looking at me like, when Freddie does an analogy that doesn't work, that's sort of confused. Yeah, three times a show. What was Birmingham like, Freddie? It's like, you know when you've got a biscuit tin,

and you want a custard cream, but all the custard creams are broken, so you go to the shop and all they have is sausages. Yeah, yeah. I always gig him it can be like that just the tonic yeah yeah

that's a fucking great joke mate I know yeah yeah when um do you know that he just like he goes like

I've never been more nervous of a guest when they're like no it was black black really black alright go on Jamie keep going

that's phenomenal but he goes like Freddy sorry Freddy I don't know where this has come from we love ripping Freddy

but he goes like a gatekeeper in Dungeons and Dragons don't you think so are you doing am I doing 15 or 20 Freddy oh when

when the owl hoots paint your shoes purple just give me a light that's it Oh, when the owl hoots, Pete, your shoe's purple. Just give me a light. Yeah, Freddie's going to be a problem when he's 64, innit? The guy's 32 and he's like... And you can see the clogs. It's like, it's not, it's not like that. Well, you can't do roast, can you not, Jamie?

We're booking you for the fucking roast. Jamie, we were talking in the first half about gambling. Do you gamble? I fucking, I invest. Badly. I invest badly I invest in the 05 attempt

so I'm horse racing in my houses on a power footer so when I was 8 my dad sits me down and goes right I'm going to teach you

how to learn horse racing form now because you can't just pick names you've got to study like one next to its name yeah you're not someone's girlfriend yeah wins it grand national and it won last time out but you've got to look at what it's beat what they beat it's like it's quite lateral it's like

solving a puzzle somebody that got me inside and you're like you can put your spends on it and you know try and win some pokemon cards and that yeah so and then you can borrow money off me win Pokemon cards alright love can I have a can I have a Charizard on number three what's that get me back

a Mewtwo a Pikachu and a Mewtwo fucking good what's that I was involved in gambling culture from a very early age yeah you know when dad set the lads to the match like my dad took me to that Bucky's and that but I was involved in gambling culture from a very early age.

You know when Dad's sake, they'll add us to the match. My dad took me to Bucky's and that and just watched the dogs. I thought you were going to say it to the race. Just to her. Just to her. Just to her. And it's like Vegas. Jim Ramsbottom Bucky's in open show. Vegas. It's not though, is it? No, but In my head it was like you know bright lights and horses and you know. A Vegas. Bright lights and horses. And I. Oh blokes on disability. I went on to work in that

bookies when I was 18. My first ever job was in a bookies and then to pay off your debts well when i was 21 i got a three grand overdraft oh you're like when you can on online banking you're like oh 500 give us five ton and then like yeah sound and then you like just you keep giving me money i've got a three grand overdraft and i thought right here's my plan i'll put it on our arse that will win oh my god get seven grand pay the three grand back and four grand is my start my gambling career so what did you do with your four grand well the horse fell you can't account for variables like that what you should have done what you should have done but that was my crypto what you should have done is taken six grand and then when that went

twelve it works similarly as long as it's a black horse I just love the culture of a bookies did you not learn at 21 though

that it's ropey oh I thought the thing is it is a problem but it's a solution you can gamble your way out of trouble

please don't listen to us for the advice I'm still in trouble but It's a solution. You can gamble your way out of trouble. Please don't listen to this for the sake of all responsibility. I'm still in trouble, but I can get out of it. That's like me going, I can snort my way out of addiction. Yeah, I'm high now. Maybe if I keep getting high, it'll come full circle. That's how cocaine works, isn't it? I reckon I'll do well. Do you know about the systems?

Do you like a casino? I love a casino. So do you know about the keep betting on black thing? Yeah, but that's shithouse, isn't it? Yeah, but it is foolproof, isn't it? I don't know. Because I've seen it where it's like 13 reds in a row and if you double each time...

You've got to have the back of it, haven't you? You've got to have... Basically, I haven't you? You've got to have... Basically, I have about 25 mil to win five grand. If you've got 25 mil, the five grand's guaranteed. Yeah, 25. People with 25 million in cash, they love fucking around for five grand, don't they? I've watched her have a word.

This is foolproof. Unless someone falls. What's the most money you've ever put on a horse? Was it that three grand? Three grand, yeah. Yeah, he's still paying that back. He hasn't actually placed a bet since then. I've not.

I just don't open my letters. Oh, my God. Oh, mate. You two could be dangerous friends. I used to get payday loans, change my name, address. I'm smoking mirrors, mate. My name is MC Africa Zulus. Listen, there's a way around it.

Just get loads of credit. Bet it, and if you win, pay them back. Fair enough. But if you don't, do some, watch Catch Me If You Can, do some jiggery pokery,

and off you go. Move to your nana's next door. Say it. I was going to say, Burundi, next door in Openshaw. They will never catch me. I'm in my dad's box room now because we've got the house.

So all my letters go to next door. System B. System B. As long as you don't go on the internet and talk about it, you're absolutely fine. I won from fucking... What's the most you've ever won? About two grand in one go.

But I've had days where I've had like Five hundred on the north And accumulatively won My turnover's been fucking erratic at times That's part of the fun innit Do you know what I mean I've had days where I've had like winner after winner But five hundred after five hundred after five hundred

And I had one good bet where I've won About two and a half grand Two and a half grand you go That And what did you... Two and a half grand, you go, that's a great day, I'll walk away. Or do you go, what if I just put all of this? I went to Malia for two weeks, drank myself stupid and I'd shit in my kidneys. No, I'd bloody me shit from my kidneys.

So I invested it well. I'm glad we got you on, Jamie, you know, before you're in prison or dead. I really feel like we waited a bit too long to get you on because I'm not sure you're going to survive the end of this episode. He came on Paul Smith's stag do to Berlin. And when I say a last minute invite,

Paul Smith had a tour show in Manchester the night before we were flying at 6am from Manchester airport. He was at Paul Smith's tour show and Paul was like, why don't you come and he was like well I can only come for three of the four days

because on the fourth day I'm in work and we were like sound so he came with us and then missed his flight home oh it was bad

I went for a pint and I'd just come out of training in this call centre job it's where the hired actors and out of work out of work actors

oh this place in Manchester where they they sort of they want you to be creative or whatever and they're very flexible yeah fucking actors

anyway that's another we'll come back to that yeah so I'll go for a pint I'm like fucking I'm skint Joe the investments have gone a bit south

I can't afford to go Berlin but Paul's sounding like no I'll pay for you and all that so which was sound of him and um went berlin so far fucking in work tomorrow so i got callum to text me right just say oh i'm coming to pick you up take you to berlin you know for helping me through my dark days just making up a story and i emailed work at one you're gonna laugh but the lads are picking me up to go berlin and i'll be back first so so that went to berlin and i'm in um flight homes at 11 or like 10 o'clock 11 and we're in somewhere like six in the morning and you come up to me mate you're gonna have to you know go you gotta the morning and you come up to me and you're like, mate, you're going to have to,

you know, go. You've got to get to the airport in like an hour and a half and you're fucking steaming. You're going to miss your plane. I'm not going to fuck, how am I going to miss

a fucking plane? So aggressive with me. You know when people get drunk and they're like, I'm like that. If I'm too drunk and someone tells me what to do, fuck off.

The fuck do you think, you my dad? No. You think I'll miss a plane? The fucking massive, mate. I'll get the fucking plane. drunk and someone tells me what to do fuck off the fuck do you think you my dad no do you think i'll miss a plane the fucking massive mate i'll get the fucking plane woke up at like half 12 i text rick carvey was meant to be fucking coming home with like where are you and he went over the channel and i'm nearly home and i had to fucking stay another couple of days. So then I finally got home Friday, I think. I was due back at work Wednesday. I thought, Friday's a write-off.

Saturday, nope. Monday, still a bit roping. So I went back in Tuesday. You took an extra two days. Yeah. I walked in and the guy, the manager went, Jamie, you were due back in at once. I'm not mad, innit?

And just put my head sit on no actors sacking me mate no chance fuck off it's method fuck off mate

it's method I'm getting ready for the role yeah he kept the job yeah yeah I was good at selling you see

as long as you're alright at selling so just in case people have missed it this was like a job you did so as long as you're alright at selling so just in case people have missed it this was like a job you did when you were getting going in comedy

where they sort of creatives actors whatever they let them just sort of clock in and clock out whenever they want

sort of right and you were working with a lot of actors oh mate a lot of thespians Jamie tedious cunts aren't they

like Day Lewis he's a cunt is he there Are you refusing to call him by his first name Day Lewis I always spent six months with Abraham Lincoln Well don't Just turn up

Eat your marks and read your lines What are you doing Six months Is that what he said yeah it's like his missus gone what hey Dan

what time are we going to be mums tomorrow oh well when the moon strikes fuck off doing a Freddie

Quinn impression Freddie fucking Bursko maybe Freddie's just maybe Freddie's just got Abraham

Lincoln coming up at like the Preston Playhouse and he's like well Day Lewis he did six months I'm gonna do 12 fucking

gears mate Jay Lewis slicking his meat he did win an Oscar for that role though didn't he yeah but it's undeserved I think he's won a few

hasn't he they're just not he's not the record he did Build a Butcher in Gangs of New York and he spent so long getting in character for that

what's that mean he's like he worked in Build-A New York and he spent so long getting in character for that. What's that mean? He worked in Build-A-Bear for six months for that. He worked in Build... It's like, I just need to build something. It'll get me in the frame of mind. I just don't think you can do it. I just don't respect them. At all.

Have you got a favourite actor? I like Stacey. She was in EastEnders. She was alright more than that do you know how long

she researched that role she's good she had a few good storylines more than that they can all

fuck off I swear to god right because some of them because you get a lot

of drama students in there, like first job, moved to Manchester, just passed drama. And I was in between this, absolutely, your proper Thespian type. And this girl's like, oh, I've got my first audition.

Oh, they're excited and that. I didn't want to take that away from her. So she was like, and she went, oh, do you have any advice? I'm not a fucking actor. Ask him. So you overheard the advice? Yeah, advice yeah yes i'm in the middle of them i'm having a conversation oh i'd absolutely hate to see miserable and she's got this audition

and he's like well the important thing to remember is don't act just be think of the character's past think of the character's future what are the the character's future. What are the objectives of the character? And she's like, aw, I'm like, no. She's like, aw stricken by this fucking words of wisdom. She's like, oh, have you got anything coming up? And he went, well, I'm actually doing... I'm actually doing Panto on the crocodile at Blackburn Empire. And he's going on, on like his child's dance.

The crocodile's passed. Oh, mate, he's a fucking rancid twat. At the Blackburn Empire. Don't act, just be. Where are you? I'm going to be the fucking wardrobe in the lion the witch in the wardrobe that's what I mean though what a shit part that is

alright lads get in me I was I was a fucking get in me lads when I got cast in the 97 nativity as the snowman the 97 nativity

I was snowman he was Gabriel's mate he sort of I helped out with the directions I went yeah just next light

off Nazareth fucking cold night in Bethlehem I didn't ask about my backstory and all that I just fucking turned up

be a snowman to my snowman alright yeah get over there lads there's a fucking baby in the manger. Gabriel's mate.

Gabriel on the snowman. The snowman in the Middle East. His future is a pool of water. Of the puddle, yeah. There you go. He's lying on the floor. I don't see any kids who are like, fuck it, you can be a fucking...

She's got a fucking biff out on there. I'm not being a fucking... Some dirty bird's having a baby in a fucking barn. Oh. Yeah. Wants to be fucked, son. Fucking acting and that. Dramas.

Have you still got a part-time job now or are you full-time comedy? I'm in the hairdressing industry now Do I get sacked a lot No No The other time I got Well quit before I was sacked

At Direct Line No It's just good I went out for a comics birthday Dropping fucking Copenhagen Wednesday But I start Eating MDMA

Not dabbing Eating From the bag Just getting fucking wired Right But I start eating MDMA. Not dabbing. Eating. From the bag. Just getting fucking wired. Right. I'm on my final written warning for being a piss can. And I'm in at nine.

And I'm still on it. I'm still wired. Not even been... And it's like, fucking hell, it's five past nine. I'm going to have to linger there. I need to think of a good story here. So I hang up and I'm like, just say you've I need to think of a good story so I hang up

and I'm like just say you've had a flood just say you've had a flood you know I was getting into character then of someone who's had a flood don't act

just be just be be the crapper doll Jamie I was like someone splash in the background it's Jamie

his thing is a flood waters everywhere and the pipes are just waiting for the plumber I'm getting in bathroom and like man it's like Jamie's I it was a force I'm just don't go out there though I had a few days off after that because like the weekend and that and they came back in and she was like

you know obviously knew I was on it so right you're gonna, you're going to have to, your emergency has been agreed because you've got like one emergency a year. It's been agreed, but you need to prove you've had this flood. I was like, fuck, I don't know what I'm going to do. So I made a fake plumbing business and invoiced myself for the damage. I'll send you the picture after you can... Can you genuinely send it? Because we want it out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I called it Trade Local. I'll get it up in a minute. Called it Trade Local. So I just got... That's a really good fake name. So I got just a generic logo off Google. And Joe, like you invoked something,

you're doing gigs and that. It's easy to just put a logo in. And then like your invoice how many doing gigs in that it's easy just put a logo in and then I just riddled it with fucking clues so the invoice number I put

6 1 11 5 letters of the alphabet spells fake how good's that though oh god

there's another one that likes riddles but then I was just too happy with it and I admitted it indles But then I was just Too happy with it And I I admitted it in the end Because I was just Too proud of myself

I was like Well you're gonna have to go then When I like But She was a fucking You gave her the invoice She's like yeah All looks in order

She's like Taking a fucking piss love I fucking smashed that It literally spells You're a gullible swat So that was So just Here it is Send it Will you send it toly he'll throw it in you don't have to

show the camera we'll we'll we'll edit it in it'll be on the screen trade local but i'd like to come back to the fact you're in the hairdressing business now yeah yeah so it's in a college um so you're like kids who are thick and that yeah and it's just like you've thrown in hairdressing now I get them places in salons to train so I just

I have to get new salons on board and stuff like that so you just ring salons and just go oh you need an apprentice you know busy Christmas period

so it's a bit of selling but the sound everything about you screams I work with young people I've got an audition don't fucking talk to me talk to the crocodile nonce i have to present right so you have to like give a presentation about the training school to the kids i proper do it just like i'm a cool teacher like sat on the desk don't read the slides just go hey call me Jamie we will

I'm just trying to make myself I feel I want to make myself a bit like a good Will Hunting type Robin Williams just sort of a bit of a

off piste yeah but they're sound with like coming in what are you doing Jamie are you getting just eat no I'm just it's not midnight yet

get it in the break oh I'll get it get it in the break sound you were saying before you don't believe in breakfast and you just have one big meal every night

yeah well I could I could die off I don't think can I just say I don't think me and me and Me and Adam Have ever taught less

On an episode And I've never been happier With it I just say It's this You just keep Keep him going I just get stuff

Off my chest I get I just have like Come in from a Gig Like At 12 I just get a little

Discran And you feel Hanging all day I just love that Rot So I don't eat In scran and you feel hanging all day I just love that rot so I don't eat in the morning Do you never have

like a bit of lunch or anything? I'll have a bit of lunch if I'm not gigging at night but my thing with gigging at night is I can't wait

to get an hanging takeaway when I come in massive overly feed myself and it lays heavy on my stomach and I feel horrible

the next day It's good to feel though isn't it? That's just I mean, massive, overly feed myself, and it lays heavy on my stomach and I feel horrible the next day. It's good to feel, though, isn't it? I want to feel alive. That's like Barry Dodds. When I used to live with Barry Dodds, you'd be in the house, you'd be like, what's that fucking smell? It'd be like 3.30 in the morning.

He'd just finished playing Gears of War. And he'd be like, Barry, everyone's asleep, what are you doing? I'm making a pie and chips. Four in the fucking morning. I get it. I don't know, I can't lose weight.

Because you're having pie and chips at 4am, you fucking murderer. I eat late as well, on a normal night, because at nine o'clock, I'm, like I said before,

I'm in my dead man's box room, and every night my brother beats me up like batters me it's all got bruises on there you can see

yeah well he's artistic and it's part of his routine oh thank god oh god but he does it as a he does it as a character called Dr Catford so but it's quite menacing There's a character called Dr. Catford.

So, but it's quite menacing. What time of night? Nine o'clock every night. So you get twatted? Yeah, that's why I don't eat because he punches me in the stomach and all that. So he puts my mum's mint green dressing gown underpants on his head.

And then, but he'll phone me during the day and go, oh, your appointment's at nine. And then he'll come up and he has like a clicking pen and that's like the needle. So I go, all right, I'm a patient. And sedates me. And then he'll have like kitchen tongs and nips at me hits me with a wooden spoon but all the while he's got like um joe hart monitor on youtube playing and then he goes we're losing him and he just jumps up and fucking he goes like you don't know

what the fuck but my mum just goes but my mum just goes it's part of his routine routine's important for autistic people so if I gig like a few nights

in a row it's fucking oh he has a build up it's like hangovers you know where you're constantly drinking

yeah and when you is he a licensed practitioner no no just making sure he plays

his other thing is he plays he watches like people having the driving test online but on his day is he watches people having the driving test online. But on his day off, he'll drive to the test centre and watch people get the results. You'll see the anger or the disappointment or elation. He'll just sit in the car park, watch him get the results.

I'll fuck off home now. Drive us home. Are you thinking him on the pod? So he's... what's he called? Dan I sort of get that second one I don't get the first one playing fucking

Dr. Shippman he'll ring me send me voice notes send me texts your appointments at 9 and he'll do that downstairs i'll just chill in my room and um is it just you he does this too yeah yeah hasn't got any other patients oh no no i'm a recurring page but it is everything's like you know house where

it's like oh we need some experimental methods to cure him which is you know kicking shit out of him is he older or younger younger he's 24 but he's a unit six foot he'd have me in a fight like every night every night but i can't do anything my mom's like yeah but it's like um my mom uses it as like you know carrot for him just goes right fuck it right i'll let you beat Jamie up later Do you know what I mean I'm like The sort of sacrificial pig Of the family If you don't behave You're not having your appointment

With your older brother That's it That's it And he'll do that downstairs No wonder you gig a lot Yeah yeah yeah That's why I'm fucking I go to Loughborough for 80 quid

There's a rough Rough crowd tonight, Jamie. No way, it's rougher. If you want to book Jamie for any gig for any price, just ask. Carlisle for 25 quid. He'll think about it. I need a break. That was a lot.

See you in a sec. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We interrupt this week's broadcast of the Have A Word podcast To ask you for a favour Could you do us a favour? Could you drop us a comment? Could you like it if you're watching on YouTube? Could you share all this with your friends? And make sure you're subscribed

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and you see one of our videos, fucking share it. A lot of hard work goes into them and it helps spread the word and we'd really appreciate it. Nice one. Go ahead. Right. Yes. I did that thing again last night. and we'd really appreciate it. Nice one. Go ahead.

Right. Waka waka. Eh eh. I did that thing again last night where I had an itchy arsehole and scratched it with a fart. With a no? With a fart. I know what he means.

Oh, right, right, yeah. You have like an itch just on the inner part of your bum and you're like, and it just kills it. It's horrible. It's in public, isn't it? Yeah.

I can't wait to have a dig later. Do you ever do that thing where you're in the middle you're like oh and then you go oh no and then you sort of i got caught slapping my own ass put sleep away from my hand sorry i got caught slapping my own ass in public i have this thing joe when um someone's walking in front of you and see if i'm gonna race them yeah do that, but pretend I'm a horse. Because there's a massive thing that we all chase. I do the commentary in my head. So in the street,

if someone's walking ahead of me, I'll go, right, that lamppost is the finishing line. Yeah. But I have rules where I can't break into what's socially seen

as a fast walk. I have to walk. And if I lose, I lose. I'm just an honor system so you have to walk in a way that they wouldn't realize yeah stop threatening them or anything because they don't know they're in a race

so you can't because you've just got to be true to yourself but I'll do horse racing commentary in my head as I'm doing it but I'll sometimes give myself a little whip and someone from work, I had my headphones in someone from work seen me like in my head as I'm doing it but I'll sometimes give myself a little whip and you know

someone from work I had my headphones in someone from work seeing me like why was you slapping your own arse in an arse race yeah

just so you're on your way to Asda it's a bit like that isn't it it's just like that it's just like we're itching arses

and you're pretending to be a horse I think Go on Jamie Nine times out of ten And I don't think That's an exaggeration If it's another man

Only if it's another man If you went I'll raise you to that lamppost They'd do it Yeah I reckon they'd run They'd go for it The videos

Of the lads In like It looks like Berlin And Paris And whatever And they've got a water bottle They pop it down The videos of the lads in like, it looks like Berlin and Paris and whatever, and they've got a water bottle. They pop it down and then kick the ball to someone.

And all you've got to do is kick it back and knock over the ball. If you're one of those fucking morons that goes, oh, a ball, you need to sort your life out. Anyone from any walk of life should be like just trapping the ball and going I'll just tap it back I'd just literally catch it as hard as I could

and scream Gerrard lean back as well but just don't be the person who's like oh a ball from a stranger awful like time would slow down

in my head as that ball comes towards me Gerrard what's the ball I've seen Sean Walsh's bit on having an anxiety of a ball coming to him in a park

that's fucking class like panicking about the ball coming to him yeah there's kids playing and then the ball comes over I've never seen the bit but I know exactly the bit of anxiety

where you're like you're under pressure now because you're a grown up and you've got to hoof it back really well if you fuck it up like that is real

I'd do seven up me and then back heel it over me back to the nine seven I need to score Mr. Mr.

and the ball would just roll by you two seconds two seconds two seconds to your dad I just I think I'd do like

load the tricks back heel over me head to them they'd catch it and then everyone else just impulsively, they wouldn't know why,

they're just like, oh, row we back, row we back. You're having one of them days where you need meds. You're having one of them days. Where's this?

Where's this? In his mind. I weren't technically good at football though, so I was just more of like a dark arts player, so I'd just have to elbow someone dark arts player so I just have to elbow someone in the head

then give them the ball try and get away with a yeller do you like Roy Keane growing up yeah yeah Nicky Butt that's the sort of oh my god

I actually feel bad for the kid whose hero is Nicky Butt Roy Keane's in the team no I really associate with Nicky Butt you went to school right

he had days off as well same year no two years ago what a forgotten man Nicky Butt yeah in that team

and Robbie Savage the class of 92 he didn't make it did he was he in the same class but didn't make it yeah he didn't make it well he made it I mean just at United

yeah there's a lad who's been on guitar as well but died young I can't remember his name what he was it United yeah yeah yeah right

just into like playing guitar I love how we got to here the class of 92 from like yeah pretend to be a horse and run

true though if you're in the street and a guy goes I'll race you to there yeah I'd never want to be the person like oh

I'd be off I'd be off before he told me what we're racing to I'd race you to the where are I'd be off I'd be off before he told me what we're racing I'd race where are we going yeah yeah what if he shouted to fuck kids

then what would you do what would you do then no I'm getting away from you alright you just peel away I didn't realise this was pedophilia I love a race

but for the right reasons did you fall down a hole I was peeling away oh at some pace great interjection I love a race, but for the right reasons. Did you fall down a hole? I was peeling away. Oh, at some pace. Great interjection. I thought Carl's bit was... Keep them messages coming, because it fucking does, isn't it? Riddles.

Tom Riddle. Ooh. Lots of other words. We've got some other words I've got some questions But I can't judge Jamie Because We've said What's the advice? Yeah

Think you Think you can give good advice? I think Look This is a man If his investments come off Could be a billionaire in a few years Yeah

Why would no one listen to him? Yeah He's a man about time He is Yeah I mean we've got Could be a billionaire in a few years. Yeah. Why would no one listen to him? Yeah. He's a man about time. He is. Yeah. I mean, we could do questions and then have a word, or we just want to do advice. We've got some questions.

No, we'll do a couple of questions first. Eyelids. This is from Dan Johnson. Go to DJ. Obviously, we don't want this to happen, but say you wake up pissed at a party and someone has taken a razor to your face What would you rather?

One eyebrow has been completely hacked off Or would you rather them take both? If option one Would you shave the second and let them grow back together Or just keep the one off And wait for it on its own Nice one, Dan J Well first of all, I'm telling you right now

This has either happened to him before Or he's done it to someone. Recently? No. Look at his eyebrows. But what happened was, they weren't eyebrows, but my mate fell asleep and he saw the Alpha Vi group. He fell asleep at a party.

We all drew on him. But, you know, it's always one-upmanship, isn't it? I got my balls and rest them on his head. Anyway, he wakes up, he's got cunt on his head and cock and balls and all that. He wakes up and went, you're going to have to look at your face. He went, no, none of you's got the bollocks to do anything to me. I walked out, you know, fucking proper cock show of himself

and went to a cafe and all came out and then shown him the pictures of me, the bollocks on his head and that. Anyway, we went on holiday a few weeks later, Malia, after me gambling winnings. And he gets me back. So he gets me, strips me naked, sellotapes me to a table.

And then all the lads took turns in whipping my bollocks with wet towels and invited the girls in from the next room and all that. So I'd probably go for... That's not the same. I'd probably go for, you i'd probably go for you know both eyebrows for symmetry you only want one off because if you if if you want the second one off once you see yourself

you've got the option to shave it off it doesn't matter you're gonna it's a bit like box one the smelly go and the billion you know you need to keep your options yeah if they've both gone you can do nothing with it yeah you've got one you may be like do you know what a few of your pubes off i look like i'm really concentrated i love how we're just skipping over the most horrifying lads holiday story ever that sounds like guantanamo Bay. Yeah. But it also sounds like your home line with your autistic brother.

They was putting sellotape on my dick and ripping it off until my foreskin was ripping. Are you still mates with these? Yeah, yeah, a couple of them. Cool. You're the best man at his wedding. I am. Old lads.

I went to Jember and Dubs. Jember, that song where it's like, my name's Schneequa, I'm what? Yeah. I went skinny dipping on the beach and fell asleep pissed. And the guy, the security guard, like, nudged me, like, going, oh, you know, it's a wake-up, and I jumped up right in his face,

went, my name's Sinequa, I'm what? And he bitch slapped me and knocked me down. Dropped me with a slap. They said my name's Sinequa, I'm what, to his face. Jamie, how old are you 30 you've lived a life yeah that's been a hard 30

hasn't it been a hard 30 can I ask one question before we ask the prepared ones because I feel like we haven't actually got this answer yet and this is going to say something

Jamie what would you say is the worst thing that's ever happened to you? Well, it's because of loyalty. This happened. My own loyalty come back to stab me in the back. So 2000, you know, summers were longer,

grass was green and all that. And it's summer holidays. And me and my mate went collecting berries. So you used to go in the litter, get empty bottles of Coke and Lucozade and that. And we used to go to a field and fill them with berries and plant them in case anyone wanted a berry warb of us. Unbeknownst to me, my mate's been eating these berries.

Shits himself. I start feeling guilty because he's caked in shit. So I deliberately shit myself so I could sympathise with him. So after I deliberately shit myself, I'm covered in shit. I want to tell him my gesture but I'm a bit embarrassed because I'm covered in shit so I thought I won't tell him and I stayed playing out covered in my own shit. I went home and thought I need to get rid of the evidence so I hid

my boxers on top of my mum's wardrobe and they stay there for days festering in the 2000 heatwave they then, my mum and dad start to think there's a dead mouse they're about to call rent a kill and then i have to come clean and there's my mom and dad i went off and i'm tears in my eyes

i don't know it was it's not a dead mouse it was was me and i went and grabbed my vested shitty underpants and that's when they thought I might be a bit simple. So that's probably the most harrowing looking at me mum and dad's eyes when I explained I'd shit myself on purpose and hid the evidence but at least we've not got mice.

What a friend. Nine years old is that right? Shit himself? And then didn't even tell him what what was the purpose of this you if you weren't gonna tell him empathy no i was gonna tell him but then i thought i'm a he might think it's weird i don't know what losing me can you just muster a shit like that oh i could do that yeah no no You don't count Could you just be like Mate

Oh big time An empathy plop Yeah That's always like A scooped out coke And I can do it on cue Half a hole Just gaping

I could poo now We all know I don't need to We all know though Yeah Yeah yeah yeah Yeah So yeah that was a bad one you don't need you don't need

nine though or eight yeah i want money too much i need a baby yeah i honestly think it shows i know it's weird but i think it shows that you're a good friend when i before i'd lost my virginity and it's obviously like you'll put a bit of a monkey on your back. I was one of the last in my friendship group to lose my virginity. How old? 18, 19. But when I was 18, I pulled a girl in a taxi queue and turned out... Northern love!

You're nearly done. You're nearly home. But chance. And we're in the taxi, right? It's me and her. And my mate pulled her, mate. And I was just left with a drop of, like, two fucking flumps. Tailors all the time.

They were good looking. And she's, you know, oh, I love your hair. And I was stroking through my hair. Because I had, like, a bit of a... I remember that hair, yeah. Justin Bieber sort of hairspray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went past my house.

But you didn't. And she went, oh, can I go yours for the piss of course you can sexy lady so they leave the taxi running she comes in as a piss

and I'm waiting in the dining room right she comes back after a piss and she starts kissing me I thought this is it this is my fucking moment

so I picked her up swept the dining room table you know like the films no oh got her on the table It's my fucking moment. So I picked her up, swept the dining room table, you know, like films. No. Oh, God. Got her on the table. Cacks off.

I couldn't get it up. For fuck's sake. All this time. It was the blood that had gone to my head, picking the cunt up. My dick blood was in my arms. She was heavy. But I'm just, you know, like before,

fucking blue tack. No, it's just not rising or anything. So I thought, I'll go down her for a bit. It's the first'm just you know like before fucking blue tack no it's just not rising or anything so I thought I'll go down it's the first time you know going down

on a fanny and that on the dining table and then and then as I'm got it I just haven't

do you know what didn't taste it as expected oh no no no and then I realised we've not got any we never keep toilet

on the downstairs toilet. So I'm just licking piss off her and then she dribbled a bit in my mouth. Well, that's my virginity a few weeks later. Same lady? No, no, no, no. Some girl called Lindsay works in Pound Bakery. Mama like that?

Mama like that Mama like that What the fuck Is in your head I'd love to see Inside your head You know Unbelievable Have you ever done

Any counselling This Because I think You could get someone A PhD here kid Any questions then Let's do some Have a words

Fuck you know The questions feel so redundant. There is no beat in that. I honestly thought that story was ending worse, by the way. Everyone listening and watching this went, when he went, it tasted and all of us went, oh, Jesus. Jesus.

We've all been there though Where you go down So we've got four Want to do more Yeah Sup lads Would like to ask a question Oh Fucking chatta

That's not it Hey lads They have a word Hey lads To set the scene I'm an 18 year old girl Who's a virgin and formerly identified as bisexual that bit's important anyway i need you to have a word with

me i'm currently casually talking to a guy and i've chatted to guys that way before but never really been sexually attracted to them and now i'm wondering if i'm a lesbian so i don't just do i just fuck um fuck him and get it over with, see if it sorts itself, or go to a gay bar and see how I react to dancing with girls? Because I swear to God, when I was dancing with this guy,

there was nothing. Have a word with me either way because it's doing my fucking head in. That's from Lydia. You are a lesbian. There's nothing wrong with that. Go get some pussy, girl. Yeah.

The world is your oyster. Literally. Because pussies are a bit oyster-like. Next question. She's a lesbian, isn't she? Pussies are a bit oyster-like. End of point. But when you meet a lesbian

Don't try and chat them up by going Hey I listen to a podcast And Adam the host says Your pussy's like an oyster Get on me My name's Lydia You Can I have a lesbian porn up and have a frig

See what happens What's this like Do I go to the local gay bar? I think she'd regret it if she slept with him. There's no chemistry. Yeah, don't do it. What are you doing it for? Yeah.

But I think... I actually think porn's the way, innit? Have a little dabble. See what gets you going. I think the way to do it... Right. This is serious now. Listen to this bit, Lydia.

Hide this bit. I can tell because his eyes are watering. This is the serious bit. Lydia, buckle up for this one love so just imagine right i just want you to like like you're looking through a toilet roll right so you can only see a bit of the image right so just look down at your fanny and there's a finger in it right and then there's two. And then three. Oh, this. And now you're getting fisted, right? Going harder and harder and harder. Now, just bring the toilet roll slowly up.

Is it a man or a woman? That's how you'll know. Yeah. Yeah. That's what Adam did and when he was getting fisted it was a woman he went fucking hell you're a woman

that's how I know I'm not a bummer go on girl fist away I think that's quite a good way to do it pornhub.com no bogrollandrex.com

bogroll bogroll.com andreub.com No Bogroll Andrex.com Bogroll Bogroll.com Andrex.com Fuck Order direct from the website See what new Andrexes they've got out Because sometimes Because sometimes you'll go to distributors

Yeah That's what I do sometimes with Adidas So try it with Andrex Yeah Just watch some porn if you like it. Yeah. Go to a lady gaff. But not like the Dolly Bird peroxide blonde,

like, oh my God, I'm a lesbian. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get into them grunty ones that look like they've just played fucking... Squash. Snooker. They're the ones, aren't they? Go on Pornhub and type in lesbian snooker hole. The snooker's on now

just watch the snooker just see no there's a there's an umpire there's a female umpire oh she's and when she's got

a white glove on she just she just rolls the pink back into place if you go fucking go watch Martina Navratilova win Wimbledon

oh yeah yeah yeah have a rummage through YouTube don't look at porn Find 1988 Wimbledon Women's Final

Which I think is page 4 Of lesbian porn on Pornhub Tennis scares do it for me They might do it for you as well Have you ever wanked To Martina Navratilova? No Maybe a shot of Pove

Different story Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah different story totally different story I'm not saying yes I'm not saying no

what about Martina Hingis I don't even know I'm just saying you don't know who Martina Hingis is can I play I don't like Lindsay Davenport Sue Barker Sue Barker

oh jeez Amelie Moresmo Is big lady Oh she She would punch it She's straight But she looks like

She'd be the man Yeah Oh yeah I'd be like Can you pin me down Amelie She'd be like She's got small features

As well So it makes her big She'd finger blast me While smoking a jetan Oh yeah Amelie Moresmo Is a strong lady Fucking straight beyond lad She's scouse Erm She'd finger blast me while smoking a jetan. Oh, yeah. Emily Madesma was a strong lady. Fucking 3BN, lad.

She's scouse. Another have a word, everyone. Liam says, I was with my ex-girlfriend for around two years. Her family was really wealthy, and I really wasn't. For Christmas, she wanted a camera, a proper fancy one with wide-angle lenses and all that shit, and I said I would get it for her for Christmas.

I think all in all, it cost me about 400 or 500 quid, which was like nothing to her but a lot of money to me. Hang on, he wants this, doesn't he? All right, Liam. Anyway, she literally broke up with me on Boxing Day. She waited until Christmas to get her camera and then broke up with me. She says it was over and blocked me on everything. Not heard a word from her since.

To contrast, she got me a jumper and chocolates. Literally spent less than 100 quid. Just fucking fair enough. It's a good jumper though. I have a word with her for being a massive thundercunt. Far as I'm concerned,

that's when Boxing Day becomes fucking Boxing Day, mate. Yeah, throw hands. Plus, if she wants a 500 pound camera, she's a boring cunt. You want five tonne on a camera? Fuck off. I hate photographers.

Should have said that, lad. They were two chairs down and the calls went down. Out with photographers. No, you're well out of here. Don't take a photo. Make a memory. With a lens. I'm taking photos of Blackburn and Pilar.

Smash your dad's head in. A dad? You're bringing the dad into it? Yeah, you can't be throwing fists at a lady. Nope. You can punch your dad's head in for raising a fucking hand. Take pictures of his fucking battered face after and send her that. With the camera.

Say, edit that that's what you're well out lads you're well escaped yeah fuck right off being an off style

do something she's on my head innit what's her name can I just say on the Patreon this week the Patreon exclusive episode we did some confessions

and everyone got away with fucking murder but just different mood everyone was like oh I've done this. And literally Adam was like, hey, don't worry about it. Fucking, no worries. No germane penance. I've killed

someone. Hey, hey. Everyone has a bad day. There you go. Get on me. Confession. Ah. Fucking hell. Awful. Never mind. And today's everyone's like, burn your house down. Reap it, dad. Take a picture of it. Someone needs to get out there.

Can't be her. She's a lady. Have you ever had, Liam says, have you guys had anything similar? Have you ever been hurt by a partner, present-wise? I really,

I honestly think there should be a equal, a real equal thing at Christmas. Unless someone's earning a shit ton more, you have to sort of factor that in. But this was not happening. Nothing monetary-wise, but I got hurt by a reaction of what I thought was a romantic gift. Because I got her a personalised towel.

You know, like Rapunzel, but with her name on it. What do you mean, Rapunzel? Joe Rapunzel, the Disney character. She was into Disney. Right. How old was she to you? I like tangled.

Yeah, don't worry. Do you want a training session in the salon? She dropped loads of them. I've seen her in a taxi, man. I'm looking for me dad. I knew she liked two things. The caviar. No pictures. She liked two things.

It was like, you know, like Freddie Quinn and I'll let you go, right, here we go, Venn diagram. She liked Disney and Bath,

so I got her a personalised, got her a personalised Disney towel and give it to her as a main present. Actually, a main present. And her reaction was like, it's a towel.

And I've put loads of effort into this and that was unfortunate. Did you knit it? No. Knitted towel? How do you make towels? Go to the cotton. So how do you make towels?

I don't know, but you don't knit them. How do you make them? No, that's the fucking towel. So my best guess is knitting and you've got no other suggestions. Oh,

so you're right. That doesn't mean I'm right. It means you've got no other suggestions So you're right It doesn't mean I'm right It means you've got no answers At least I'm attempting one It doesn't mean you're right It doesn't It doesn't mean I'm wrong But then alright

On the Disney website I don't know if they knit it It's hard work when you're young Were you young though? Yeah 20s One of my first girlfriends I bought her hair curlers. And on reflection, it wasn't the best because she had curly hair.

Just in my head, I was like, women love hair stuff. And I spent about 50 quid on them, hair curlers. And she sort of accepted the present with a moron sort of look. It was nice about it. But then, yeah, she did already have curly hair. With an ex-girlfriend, I went really big first Christmas. Too big. Yeah, and set an unsustainable precedent for the rest of the relationship.

So this is mine and Sam's first Christmas this year. She is getting that tile second hand so that every year after this there's an improvement. Can I have some hair curlers? Look at that last jumper sent in as well. There you go. Yeah, she's a fucking rat here, mate.

Yeah. You're good to be rid of her. And her ways. Damien McCown says, Wag wag legs, please can you have a word with a perv on my street? He lives across from us and he's always at his window or having a fag out the front, which isn't weird on its own, but he manages to be there whenever my wife is in the front bedroom.

It's not just my missus the teenage daughter of the family that lives next door to us says he freaks her right out with the same stuff

always watching creeping conversation lingering looks giving off bad wronging vibes if he ever actually does anything I'll deal with him

properly but can you suggest any less aggressive tactics to put him off or teach him a lesson? Get your bum out of the window. Yeah.

Oh yeah, that is. Get your arsehole out of the window, when he goes for the ciggy. Yeah. Yeah, that is, like,

go for an early, especially in the winter. Masturbate furiously in the window, while smoking and looking at him. In the, yeah, just early evening, winter,

lights on, curtains open. Ah! So he can hear you. Why smoking? Well, because he's smoking. So it's like, we're the same, and I know you're the pair, so I'm acting like one. Right.

I think this is how you quit smoking. I think there's a lack of pedos on streets now. Don't you know your kids? There's always a pedo on your street and it just not a pedo like fucking kids but wears a fleece

and stands do you know that sort of that sort of bloke no yeah the one that makes knock a door run more exciting

yeah yeah yeah the one that was like that was like the level that was the end level I got locked in his garden and he went go and say your balls over the fence

and when he goes and looks me we'll run off and that and then I went he his garden he went go and say your balls over the fence and when he goes and looks we'll run off and that and then he went he's lying he's lying they locked me in and that he kicks off um but you've been bullied by so many people in your life yeah yeah well it continues right but i think there's um i just think there's there's an edge to a street and it gets kids playing out and you know just a just a bit of a void and so I'd let it slide. So you think having a paedophile on the street gets kids playing out? Yeah,

because it's a bit of a commoner. It keeps them on edge, doesn't it? Yeah, it keeps them. Because you can baby children too much and be like, the world's great,

everyone's sound. You need a nonce on your street to be like, most things are sound but some people want to fuck you in the arse. How about house prices on the street? They've really gone down

since we lost our nonce. It's a real nightmare. Honestly. The kids are feral now. It's a real nightmare. Honestly. The kids are feral now. It used to be 340 grand the average price for a semi when we had two pedophiles on the end of the road.

There were a couple. Just one on each street. Creepy, creepy guys. They're a good life lesson for children so that they don't go out at 18 and think, oh, everyone's fine. No. Some people want to fuck you in the ass against your will.

And you need to learn that from the age of seven. Right. So you need to learn that men want to abuse you by putting you in harm's way on your own street. No, stay out of harm's way. That's the point. Don't go in his garden. You have a word with him when you first move in. All right, Jeff.

We know you're a bit of a nonce lad. If anything happens outside your garden, we're going to do you in. All right, Jeff, we know you're a bit of a nonce lad. If anything happens outside your garden, we're going to do you in. If the kids are in your garden, that's their fault. Fully agree.

That's a vaccine, isn't it? Have you abused my kid? Hey, he's on my lawn. Hey, fair play, Jeff. Legal boundaries are legal

boundaries. Is that an axe you've got? I'm sure you can use that any time you want because you're on your property. Expose them to it and then they get battle-hardened. Like a vaccine. Well, I feel sorry for any of us

who don't have a paedophile on our street. What danger we've got our kids in. And if you're not, grow yourself into one. Get yourself a fleece. Grow yourself what? Take one for the street. Let your garden grow. Yeah.

Stand outside. You don't have to be a paedophile. You just have to be a believable one. Yeah. So that rumours start spreading.

Yeah. Yeah. Pretty selfless neighbour. Yeah. Yeah. Put the cell on. Good. Need a bit of edge. Blast Michael Jackson and R. Kelly back to on. Good. Need a bit of edge.

Blast Michael Jackson and R. Kelly back to back out your windows while you're cleaning. I honestly think if you just get your arsehole out or ask Adam for a picture of his arsehole, print it big, just sellotape it

on the inside of the window, he'll be there like, fuck it all, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden he'll be wanking and then he'll realize it's adam rose arsehole he'll recognize it because it'll say over it adam rose arsehole there you go problem solved

he's the wife of the daughter next door look same advice as always. Threaten them. I'd love to. I'd love to have the balls to do that. Yeah, I think that's it. Well done, boys. Thought there was one left. Good.

I don't like it. I don't like it. Don't want no more. I don't like it. Don't want no more. Jamie don't like it. Don't want no more. Jamie, that will go down in,

like, therapy history. It was beautiful, mate. I fell a lot lighter for it. You lucky? You look better

than when you walked in the room. Have you done empathy shit? Where can we find you? Obviously, Carlisle for 25 quid, but where else can we find you Obviously Carlisle for 25 quid But where else can we find you Jamie H Comedy on Twitter and the gram

I'm a grum And sign up At patreon.com Slash have a word pod The last Dan's My last beat the frog The film of it the patron special Will be up

tonight Monday the 22nd of November Adam we're doing another live show in December at Hot Water Comedy Club

tickets go on sale on Friday the 3rd of December they go on sale to Patreons first and there won't be any left it goes to £10 Patreons first then 5's then 3's extra episode every single week as you know early access to the public episodes Patreons first. And there won't be any left. It goes to £10 patrons first, then fivers, then threes.

Extra episode every single week, as you know. Early access to the public episodes. There are Christmas jumper merch now available. I'd be coming soon, but the merch is now available. The Christmas jumpers. Should we show them over? We've got a merch we should show them. Yeah.

We should show them. Go on, lads. Get out, you lads. So we've got, there's another one coming as well. There's the logo one coming. But first of all, we've got snowy bags. Eh? Get your fucking goosey gander on that.

We've got a dance of claws. We've got the producers, which isn't a Christmas pun. But, you know, they don't have to be. The producers. They are available at haveawaredpod.com right now. There is very limited stock of them. So if you do want them, and especially if you want them before Christmas

as a present for you or a present for one of your loved or hated ones, haveawaredpod.com. Get them very soon. And of course, me and Dan, a salon tour, adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows for my tickets and

dannightingale.com Jamie that will go down in history oh I remember releasing a Christmas single trying to get a Christmas number one that's just Jesus we've been busy cunts

yeah Jamie that was beautiful thanks mate thanks for having me thanks man go ahead