Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #148 with John Hastings - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 29, 2021

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for Carl. I'm doing it for Finn. Every day. Who the fuck is that guy? Char, upset me, nasty bitch. Oh, Jesus. Don Oh, jeez.

Don't chat to me! I can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl

with full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be. Have a word. What's this? Quiz show, innit? What is that? What is your least favourite race? 200 metres. Is that what I meant?

He meant ethnicity. This guy. Chinese. that's not what i meant he met ethnicity this guy oh chinese shout out chong ching i recorded the uh the mild high club yesterday so if uh if you into other podcasts check that out this week when it comes out it's really one of the only other UK podcasts that I can abide two of the nicest people they're working with us

I Dean's great fucking Amy's great Dean opened for me on my work in progress I just love him

and they've got a good pod I'm gonna do it before Christmas she did me tarot reading Amy did me tarot reading she said this is their new feature in it they do it as like a little patreon bonus oh and spoiler alert mine was like the the best reading she's ever done she said like positive wise no she actually did say that shock i got like so i got like she probably didn't

that's how adam is it out of me six cards, I got four majors and it's normal that people just get one. And I got two aces and it's very rare anyone gets even one. You got a flush. You got a tarot. Just Texas Hold'em. Essentially.

She does combine it with Cards Against Humanity as well. She does like her own little thing with it. But like, it was really good. But then... Cards Against Humanity. She said something like, travelling to India and I was like I don't really want to go to India

and you know when you just say something to be funny but it completely someone's not expecting it she went what's your problem with India I went oh the people

and I seen it on her own podcast panicking like we're going to have to cut that out did they get cut out oh god they listen they listen they listen is there any countries you really bucket list want to go to or like absolutely don't want because i don't want

to go to india question oh i know i do want to go to india me too but uh i want to go to goa where it's like hey fun india not like slumdog millionaire like i got no hands i don't want to go to Goa where it's like, hey, fun India. Not like Slumdog Millionaire, like, I got no hands. I don't want to say that. Like, you know, a load of like deli businessmen just ignoring fucking limbless children. Oh, look. Don't they mutilate them to get more money?

Oh, God. I just want to be in Goa. I was like, oh my God, I've taken a pill. That's me. I took a pill in Goa. I had the shits for 14 days. And when I finally dried up, I had a pillion go. I had the shits for 14 days. And when I finally dried up, I had a very sore butt.

I'm just saying they mutilate kids. Right, Carl! Early doors! We've had a clip go viral. Let's not make it sad. Straight away, build up to the evil. Let's just do racism now and then build up to fucking tragedy.

I don't want to have to be in that awkward situation in India where I go to an Indian restaurant, or as they call it, a restaurant, and I have to educate them on why the food is shit compared to our Indian stuff. Same reason I don't really want to go to China. Like, I'd love to go to China in theory,

but I just know they're not going to do salt and pepper chicken with curry sauce, half chips, half rice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Half chips. Why don't you take a packed lunch to China? Hey, lovely wall. Be cold by time I got there. Fucking great.

Got a microwave. Do you have microwaves? Fucking hell, you make them, lad. Get your kid to knock on my microwave. Stick that in. Salt and pepper chicken. The wall. Loads of Chinaman.

Tiananmen Square. Other things Chinese. Great holiday. What about Chinaman, Tiananmen Square, other things Chinese. Great holiday. What about the massacre of Tiananmen Square? Yeah, when that, yeah,

that guy died under a, are you all right? Have you not had your meds? If I go to China. He's being miserable on purpose and it's a bit, but it's making me sad. Like the wall in China

sound, I understand why that's an attraction. The what? The wall. The wall in China. The wall in China. It's got a name on it. Yeah. The wall in China what the wall the wall in china the wall in china got a name on it yeah the wall in china wall of asia uh you're right i'm not asked about that i

want to see the really big cat you know the one that they have a copy of in all the chippies yeah yeah yeah i want to go and see the big there's a massive one isn't it right in the middle of beijing in cinnamon square yeah yeah yeah when the protesters came, it just went, fuck off. It's the Chinese. The Chinese protesters, they got crushed by the big cat paw. It's like the Chinese Taj Mahal. That's what it is. A hundred percent. Yeah.

It's like, is it the 14th wonder of the world? Eighth, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, eight. What's the ninth? It isn't. Karl's master.

Sorry. That's great. She's a wonderful woman. Yeah, she is. She's a nice. That's fine. She's a wonderful woman yeah she is she's a nice that's fine she's a wonderful woman Adam was talking about her buzz

I couldn't say that in full volume because because I can't hear you with these headphones on oh yeah shit I whispered into a microphone didn't I

alright Karlsma looking forward to meeting you I just feel like you know if I was in India and I was like I'll have a chicken madras please mate

garlic naan mushroom mushroom pirao and he's like my friend we don't do that here I'll have a chicken madrasa please mate garlic naan mushroom mushroom pilau and he's like my friend we don't do that here I'll be like why is he talking that accent well because he

spent some time in toxic the reds the Rajasthan reds yeah lad they probably are a red

no they're all United fans aren't they no there's a good India is very similar to both Wales and Dublin in that it's a good 50-50 split between're all United fans, aren't they? Nah, there's a... India is very similar to both Wales and Dublin

in that it's a good 50-50 split between Liverpool and United fans. Really? Yeah, and some shit-ass that like City. Yeah. I love Man City. Shut up. Shut up.

I don't think there's any Wofford fans who live to rebel. Don't do it. Why don't you go to india just the food because it's a very cultural beautiful place isn't it i would go it's just not it's not like near the top of my list what's the toppy list you're sat there in your bocca yeah in your scouse bocca yeah and fucking steve's in the corner wearing a bocca juniors argentina is somewhere that always got me. My mates went traveling after uni. I never got this.

I don't know. Do a thing that you like. I can understand saving up for a bit. They did shit jobs for nearly two years to have nine, ten months away. They hated their lives, lived with their parents, and they went around South America because everyone was doing Southeast Asia. asia they were like no we're going to do something different so they went uh they went to la and whatever but then went down into mexico and then got a flight into south america and they worked their way around uh it's all the way down like is it chile

or peru then chile yeah and then got to argentina spent a couple of weeks in argentina they still had sort of like nearly seven weeks of their trip left so they made their way up Argentina into Brazil got to Brazil and were like

I'm over it changed their plans went back to Argentina they had five weeks that they were meant to be going up through like into northern they just loved Argentina

so much that they went back and went to like a student accommodation and was like, can we rent a flat off you? And just, I don't know how much it would have been,

but turned up with tourist money. So they were like, can we rent a flat of you? Like $500? The Argentinian like landlord was like, yes. Because it was probably like three times and they just stayed

and fucking hung around Buenos Aires getting fucked up. They love the people, and it's always stuck with me. And as a cocaine user, a lot of the excitement was like, oh, I could go and do that good coke. Now that's gone a little bit. But stuff like the football, the people, the culture. Just try the Hella one, though. Yeah, the Hella one.

Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, because that's what you do when you give up coke and you get counselling for it. You just try the more addictive, harder drug, innit? I'm addicted to coke. Yeah, okay, good. Yeah, because that's what you do when you give up coke and you get counselling for it. You just try the more addictive, harder drug, isn't it? I'm addicted to coke. Yeah, totally. A lot of people say fitness. Adam says heroin.

Yeah, smart. Would you do heroin? In Argentina. Yeah. So Argentina's up there in a weird way. It's always been there. I want to do South America. If I ever do like a Gapiar, I would do South America.

A Gapiar? A Gapiar. A Gapiar. A Gapiar america i'll gap you have you ever done a gap year no lads i waited so i was 34 my career was fucking flying took a year off well i wouldn't take a year off but maybe like a month or two a gap year for two months, but I like, with all this stuff, I don't like where every tourist is. I want to do a, I like the idea of a plan B, you know? So if every cunt's going here, I suppose Goa would probably be that in India, but I like the idea of doing something a little bit, not hipstery, but just a bit more,

like where you're not just another cunt. Because I think in Argentina, if you turned up as a scouser and you were if we all went to Boca Juniors I don't know what they'd do with us like I know Argentina and and the UK have got a weird

and he loved it and it was fine I think if you turn up in there Boca's love they'd be like these cunts I think you'd have a great time I know what you mean about the tourist thing like I'd love to go to Brazil

but I don't want to go to touristy Brazil I want to go and like I've skrined in someone's hut in the favela I want to turn up and just knock on the doorined in someone's hut in the favela. I want to turn up and just knock on the door and be like, can me and me missus come for tea? Right.

If you wouldn't, Rob, or Mary, then you. Take anything with me. I mean, smart. No, but also, you know. No way to get out. No mobile.

You've all had the Hilton in Rio. Adam could. The Rio favelas Adam could fucking burn them down in six weeks I just want to get to know the people

and their struggle the real people right I really think we need to do that as a patron special Adam in the favelas it'd be great

to have like a game of five a side and see if like I can like sort of play with the Brazilians the next Ronaldinho what. The next Ronaldinho. What?

The next Ronaldinho. Is that why they're playing in the favelas? They've got little squares. They don't have anything near the size of a five-side pitch. And that's why they're so good with close control. Also because they play on the beach with no shoes on. If you learn to control a ball with no shoes on once you've got

shoes on it's different yeah right well known fact Adam's a huge Brazilian coach back in the 80s

yeah he knows he knows his stuff doesn't he yeah it's going to be upsetting seeing Brazilian children cry when they see

your feet though isn't it why why what can I do you fucking penguin feet and cry when they see your feet though, isn't it? Why? Why? Fucking hell, lad. Your fucking penguin feet. I just want to be like you, Ronaldinho. Adam's feet look like Ronaldinho saying hello.

Fucking hell. Some Brazilian. Get your webs on, lad. Are we just doing South America here? I would like to do South America, but there's places I've just got no interest in going to. Like, whatsoever. Turkmenistan?

Where's that? It's in the stands. It sounds like Turkey. No, it's in the stands. Is it near Turkey? Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan. Uzbekistan. Kajikistan. Oh, yes. Yeah. All those stands where no one goes. You can't get a visa.

They don't even accept visas. You just turn up and they'll be like, what? It's like time travel. I'm all right with the stands. It'd be good to like go somewhere like that though, just to be different, wouldn't it? Like just go like Stag do or like your 40th in Afghanistan. Stag do a stand.

Afghanistan. Just like, what? Yeah. Selfies and that. Like selfies that no one else has got. stag do a sign Afghanistan Afghanistan just like yeah selfies and that like selfies that no one else has got imagine having a selfie and no one else has got

do you know what I mean like Syria like a terrorist one full on war zone in the background just like duck face Damascus with the lads

Kabul for Claire's Hindu. Try, yeah, the Taliban trying to shut down Claire's Hindu. Different types of shots. I want to do Canadia, mate. Beautiful. Four runs.

What's that? Four runs. Yeah, I want to do Canadia. Canadia? Yeah. Why? I don't know it just looks lovely like the

it looks beautiful I like the look of mountains and hills and that and trees and the people are nice apparently yeah

it just looks like a nice way of living in Canada all the Canadian comics that I've met bar a couple of cunts have been great they've made me

really love the idea of like there's so many like my mate Sean lived in Toronto for a bit said it was

unbelievable and like when who did fuck I'm blanking on who we had on from Canada Bobby Mair

Bobby Mair Glen Wall so that is John Hastings yeah and just that the idea of going out into the the stick

going north into the into the sort of the out into the stick, going north into the sort of, the outback, the bush. You know, the Canadian, what do you call it? The bush. The great white north. Yeah, the outback. The great white north.

I love that. Because it's snowy. Not because there's no ethnic diversity then. Where are the places? Okay. Where are the places okay where are the places you don't want to go where's the like

I'm not asked the stands not bothered about India just in case you have to be like where's the fucking Boonah I've got like absolutely no interest

in going to like Norway I'm going to Norway in February why because it's a beautiful country but it's a beautiful country. But it's like 11 quid a pint,

you know. Okay. Oh, that's that done. It is though, isn't it? You don't know whether you want to enjoy yourself. You can't enjoy yourself when you've just paid

fucking five times to go on a date for a pint of lager. If only you weren't on minimum wage podcasting. He's, you know, we podcast, but he's on universal credit.

No, but I don't mind paying good money for like a good product, but it's like 11 quid for like a Foster credit. No, but I don't mind paying good money for like a good product but it's like 11 quid for like a Foster's. Yeah, yeah. You would love doing comedy. Mate, you would love

doing comedy in Norway. If that was, yeah because I'd be getting paid for it but I'm not going on holiday there. Same with Dubai. I'm never going back for a trip but I'll go and do the gigs because they pay me.

Dubai doesn't bother me either. If that was like a pint of like big wave like a good like independently produced the jail then i'd be like you know what a begrudging but sound but 11 quid for a carlsberg top adam is applying it's never been to no it's applying the same logic that fucking winos apply to pubs i'm not going some pub when it's four quid a pint. I'm going to fucking spoons. He basically wants to travel to the European countries

that are the equivalent to the Wetherspoons. Yeah, I want to go- Croatia, two euros are fucking heavy. Like Romania. Is Bucharest in Romania? Romania. Is Bucharest in Romania? Yeah, yes.

It's a capital. So apparently it's like a quid a pint there, but for like good stuff. Right. Because- But you're in Romania. Yeah, I know. Hold on, go on. Is it not Hungary?

That's Budapest. Budapest, sorry. Sofia and Budapest. Oh no, Sofia is Bulgaria. Pretty similar name. All these places. Yeah, there's poverty. Yeah, there's early death.

But as a result of that, you get cheap ale. Right. And that makes them a holiday destination. So if that's what we're going off, let's get, you know, where's the real shitholes? Let's get into the middle of how much is a pint in Rwanda? Going to be a cheap Rwandan pint, isn't it? Yeah.

Adam, where's he going? Iceland's expensive for a pint. Oh, fuck Iceland, 15 quid and all that health and life expectancy. Nah. Adam's drinking with the Tutsis in fucking Rwanda. Child soldiers like, Adam! Adam! Are you having a good time in Rwanda?

It is 20p a pint of lager. Oh, my God! A villager! Adam, would you like to shoot a villager? That's 40p. Bastard! Yeah, yeah. Three more. Fucking. a villager that's 40p bastard yeah yeah two more

fucking 15 quid a pint in fucking Iceland what to see the Milky Way fuck off mate I got the fucking illuminations in black

Milky Way the Aurora Borealis is it not called the Milky Way it's not Northern Lights ah shit I was on such a great roll my Rwandan child soldier was vintage me The Aurora Borealis. Is it not called the Milky Way? It's not. No way. Northern Lights. Ah, shit.

I was on such a great roll. My Rwandan child soldier was vintage me. I reckon that's probably overrated as well. People bang on about the Northern Lights. I've seen pictures of it. I don't know how much better it can be in person. I saw them. I like the Milky Way, though.

Have you seen the Milky Way? You smashed it because you are far from home. Oh, get out. I'll pay 20 quid a pint for this. Milky Way. The Northern Lights are fantastic. In what way? Because it's something,

it's such an insane spectacle that you're never going to see anywhere else. I've seen it on Google. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's no different. It looks the same. What about going to the match? What do you mean?

Same as watching it on the telly. No. Why? Because of the atmosphere. There's not like 50,000 people at the Northern Lights all cheering. No, there is.

Northern Lights. Do-do-, there is. Northern Lights. Do-do-do-do. Northern Lights. Do-do-do-do. Is that when they sing a little bit? Liverpool. Do-do-do-do. Liverpool.

Futurist in tonight. Liverpool. Do-do-do-do. Play the goals in the goal. Red, red. I like this town and the players with the legs. Liverpool. Do-do-do.

Score a goal and win the league and all. Liverpool, do-do-do, score a goal and win the league and all the cups. Do-do-do. I love those chants. Anfield's a special night on a Champions League match. We ain't foreigners and kicking them with balls. Hey, do-do-do-do-do, score a goal. Liverpool.

Milky Way, 50,000 people at the Milky Way. It's the Northern Lights oh shit yes I'll be in a way day out the galaxy what can I just say I've got this in my head

the Milky Way thing what the fuck is the Milky Way it's our galaxy it's our galaxy you are in the Milky Way you're sat on the Milky Way right now yeah so I can see it

yeah yeah so it's valid yeah why is that in my head no but like a hundred of us drove into the darkness at midnight yeah and sat under the stars in the snow and watched them and watched the northern lights right a hundred people it was like three coaches right a hundred of you all not together just that's not like a champions night. That's like going to watch fucking Salford FC, isn't it?

In like the fucking third round of the FA Cup. Yeah, it's just like that. Did you say that when you looked at the Northern Lights? Yeah, I'd rather watch that on the telly than be there. You're chatting shit. Salford City in the third round of the FA Cup. You think I'd go with that? Can I just ask, how much is a pint of the Northern Lights?

How much is a pint? If it's any more than six quid, I'm not interested. £5.95. There you go. Sign me up. It's beautiful. It's incredible. It's indescribable.

What's the food like? You take a little picnic? Oh my God. And butties oh my god it's tuna mayo oh no i just ironically you get a little chocolate bar and there's a lot of sites around the world it's a toffee crisp there's a lot of sites around the world where i'm just like i don't get like if you can when people are taking pictures, I understand people taking pictures, like, that they're in. Like a selfie or getting, like, you and your mistress.

Oh, I understand that. I know what you mean. But, like, someone going to the Taj Mahal and with their iPhone taking a photo. I agree. As if that's going to be better than anything on Google. I agree with that. I also don't know why you need to see it in real life, in person. What's the point?

Oh, great. A big building. Would you like to see it? There's loads of buildings all over the world what about christ the redeemer would you like to see that yeah why on google i don't know you wouldn't like to go and see i'm not asked what's the point unless i can climb it and sit on them you basically want to live in west derby pod in roncorn gig in liverpool and see the world via google where have you been today adam i scratch my dick and balls while looking at the

taj mahal yeah yeah cool good life that's gonna be i i i will get no more balls while looking at the Taj Mahal. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Good life that's going to be. I would get no more out of being at the Taj Mahal as I do from ordering from the Indian restaurant called the Taj Mahal in town. Yeah, but it's two pound a pint at the Taj Mahal. Worth thinking about. Is there no like site that you'd like to go and see? No.

None? Not that I can think of at the top of my head like what what like what niagara falls machu picchu niagara falls i i think is different because at least it's moving so you want to see the taj mahal fall down no oh yeah oh yeah but get out of the ticket for that pay eight quid a pint for that. But if the Taj Mahal was on like a spinning place and it did like circles, you can't take a picture of that. That'd be different.

The deal. You know what I mean? But I don't want to have to walk around the back of it to see the back of it. Just show the back of it to me and I'll stay here. Good. Niagara Falls. Like it's the noise.

Like the noise is part of that experience, isn't it? Because the water's falling. Taj Mahal is silent. You can see it. No, but the Taj Mahal isn't silent, but all you can hear is fucking people nearly getting run over behind you. Like, that's... What about Machu Picchu?

Would you like to go there? What is that? It's like a hidden, forbidden... Not forbidden. Hidden... Hidden, forbidden, rat-ridden... Like a hidden Civilisation On a mountain in Peru

Takes like a week To get there Yeah Takes a week To get there Beautiful It's like One of the

One of the most Incredible places On planet earth He's not gonna like it Is he He's not gonna He's not gonna see it And go

Oh actually Fucking beautiful Right I do like it Looks gorgeous But now that I've seen this I feel like I've been. Where's the bar? Is it where the spoon's back left?

Steve Harris pooed his pants on the way down from Machu Picchu, didn't he? He got like a weird bug because he fit. It fucks your body up, doesn't it? Machu Poo Poo. Yeah, he... Machu Poo Poo.

He matched a pee-pee. It fucks your body up, doesn't it? Could do a great gig there in the middle. Look at that tiered seating. Adam will do Machu Picchu if he can do a one-man show. Who's supporting Steve Harris? Right, look at that girl's selfie.

Why? That is the worst picture of all of them. You don't want to visit Machu Picchu, she said. She looks tired there. Talk about weeks to get there. She's just seen Steve Harris shit himself, that's why. Who's her favourite thing? Google the seven wonders of the world

and let's see what Adam's opinion is on all of these places and whether he would visit. I think... Right. Here we are. Where's Karl's mom? Oh no, she's nine.

No, go on a thingy. We're just Googling seven wonders of the world. Right. The Great Wall of China. Great Wall of China. Right. Incredible. Only thing visible man made from space uh for now for now okay we'll get there with something else eventually yeah wait till they see our new studio what's that that's in mexico that that could be in crocky park and i would walk past it every day so this is you'd walk past an Inca an Inca pyramid every day

in Crockett Park and be like oh yeah that's the old Scouse Incas like if it was there like I'd probably never leave and

bother taking a picture near it right like there's a hill in Crockett Park that doesn't look dissimilar to that do you know what

they want to mean with the little bomb shelter yeah you should ride that bike it's very similar I'm the last

little dad either the bomb shelter from 50, 60, 70 years ago yeah probably that's from like 8,000 years ago oh so because it's always bomb shelter from 50, 60, 70 years ago Yeah probably yeah That's from like 8,000 years ago Oh so because it's No no it's not 8,000 years ago is it

When were the Aztecs 9th century Oh no it's not that Oh yeah it's Shaitan Yeah yeah Just go cocky Next one Petra What

How have they done that How have they done that It's in a mountain It's in Is that in Egypt Petra is in Jordan Jordan Nice

It just looks like Just go to the library in town What do you think Adam Is that meant Egypt? Petra is in Jordan. Nice. It just looks like, let's just go to the library in town. What do you think, Adam? Is that meant to be complicated? It's made in the side of a big rock. Yeah, probably took them a while. For the audio listeners, if you could Google Petra and look at it.

Beautiful. What a lovely, how do you even do, they can do that now? I mean, give anyone enough time and they could do it right Petra's off the list

next Machu Picchu he's already been there Christ the Redeemer why is that a wonder it's just a fucking statue isn't it we've got one of Bill Shankly

outside Anfield that's just a bit bigger yeah but it's not on a hill yeah right plus that's Christ and not like a Liverpool manager any difference that doesn't even look finished Coliseum doesn't look finished Yeah. Right. Plus that's Christ and not like a Liverpool manager.

Any difference? That doesn't even look finished. Coliseum? Doesn't look finished. It's bigger on the left than it is on the right. Why? It's the main stand, isn't it? Oh, right.

Okay. Yeah, it's like St. James' Park. They didn't get planning permissions on the right. There's student flats on the right. So, Coliseum? Yeah? No?

He's just going to say no to all of them, though, isn't he? It's not that I'm going to say no to all of them though isn't he it's not that I'm going to say no to all of them like I I don't get what what would be

different about being there than looking at it like we are now that's just Taj Mahal that's not even as good as the

wasn't it built for his wife built for his wife as a gift I don't know anything about the Taj Mahal yeah

what's the menu like that's it yeah that is no better than the cathedral in Liverpool I don't know anything about the Taj Mahal. Yeah. What's the menu like? That's it? Yeah. That is no better than the Cathedral in Liverpool. The Taj Mahal. Well, you'll never know because you're not going.

Isn't it made of marble? That means nothing to me. Interesting. Is marble harder to make stuff out of than bricks? It's heavier, isn't it? Harder to cut and move of than bricks it's heavy dinner or it's a cut and move more expensive yeah i just think it's a it's a it's a beautiful place what about the water park in tenerife yeah because it's an activity if they put a slide around the taj then sound not it adam's trip advisor review of all places auschwitz where's the fucking pools

can't have a nice swimming pool there yeah let's be careful yeah what places wouldn't be improved by a water slide there isn't a single place on the planet apart from water parks that order they have them you're saying a water park wouldn't be improved by an extra slide? I think they think about it. Yeah, I suppose so. The Large Hadron Collider. Oh, that'd be amazing.

You get to go through it. Yeah, they're trying to replicate the Big Bang and then there's Adam in his fucking Speedos like, wee! You go through it and you come out

before you actually went in it. So that'd be the best one because you'd get a full day at a water park and you'd go time spent. So you'd have the experience and the memories of being in a water park,

but you'd just be like, oh, still Tuesday. Still crack on. Yeah, Fastpass is a nightmare. You just keep looping around in time. Where's Adam? He's been at a water park for 180 years.

But imagine if that Taj Mahal just had a really big fucking slide going around it. You can't come through like a dragon's head at the end. Is it a see-through slide so you can see the building? Makes no difference. No, no, you see the building, then you get on the slide. No one's like, I want to see the Taj Mahal, but while I'm moving quickly down a slide. Right.

How could you improve Christ and redeem it? What would you do to that? Oh my God, that quickly down a slide. Right. How could you improve Christ the Redeemer? What would you do to that? Oh my God, that's the best slide. You literally climb up Jesus and you get in the slide over his fucking nose. I actually think the way to improve Christ the Redeemer is to put a swing on each arm. Yeah, like a black pearl, like the big catapult ones.

And then get him to spin and then have him spin. Yeah. So we're adding a slide to Taj Mahal. What are we adding to the Coliseum to improve that? We've done that, haven't we? Waterpark, remember? Yeah. Waterpark.

Machu Picchu. What are you doing to improve that? Hide and seek. Make it a hide and seek adventure day. Yeah. Or paintball. It does look pretty good. Everyone's got oxygen deprivation.

Yes. Paintballing Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu paintballing. Machu paintballing. Machu Picchu. Okay. Make itu paintballing. Machu Picchu. Okay. Making a paintball in Adventure Park. What about Petra?

Making a library. Looks shit. Making a library. Looks like a library. Right. Chichen Itza in Mexico. You don't know? I mean, that's lovely for the slides.

You know, a kid's slide. Yeah, that's a kid's slide. Get that in Crocky Park. Great Wall of China. Log flume. log flume get it water get a log fucking there you go yeah there is actually like a gradient on that isn't there so that could be like that could be like a lazy river oh unbelievable the lazy river the great lazy river of china that would be an improvement you could have a fucking little bottle of tiger little shing tau just floating along The Great Lazy River of China. That would be an improvement. He's right there. You could have a fucking little bottle of Tiger,

a little Xing Tao, just floating along. A little Xing Tao, yeah. Nice. Right, there we go. We've improved all the great wonders of the world with many activities. This is why nobodies like those

aren't in charge of anything. Tourism would go up. Yeah. 100%. Put a zoo in a coliseum Shocker There you go And they used to have lions in it

When they used to fight them and that Glad they used to Face animals didn't they Yeah yeah I bet that was a fucking Great ticket Do you think they did Season tickets for that

Like in Rome They were like Lad you're going to game Fucking yes Anyone got a spare for Saturday Yeah Is it glad it is tonight Oh no fucking hell It's midweek It's Christians Yes mate game anyone got a spare for sati is it gladiators tonight oh no

fucking hell it's midweek it's christians yes mate i've got an acaron i've got two christians and a

jesuit to get eaten by a lion before half time fucking hell seven to one lad get on me be fucking

brilliant you bet the over or the under on the limbs got great news. Can you get down the Coliseum tonight? My brother can't go.

I got a ticket for you. You can have a season ticket. Amazing. How much is a pint though? I don't even like. Back then it was cheap as fuck. A little penny. You'd have your slave to go and get it for you.

Be fucking brilliant. A little penny. Barry! Barry the slave. Barry the slave. Barry the slave. Barry! Come here! All right.

Pint. Hurry up. You don't even have to say please. Be fucking brilliant. Here's your penny. I'd love a slave called Barry. Do you want a PA eventually? Slave.

Personal assistance. You can't call them slaves anymore. I'd love to get so big that I could employ Barry Dodds, my friend, and be like, Baz, look, I know you're doing all right patrons do well barry's got great patron if we get rich enough shit all over it but i'm gonna give you 50 grand a year 60 grand a year

and you can just go barry now um i would love a pa like just to like do all my emails for me make me coffee here you go lad and i'd treat them so well. They'd be the, like, well-looked-after PA of all time. Would you? Yeah. You wouldn't even look at them? What? You wouldn't even look at them? I would.

I'd give them a little wink in there. That's so well-looked-after. Thank you. You'd treat them so well. Yeah. Do us a favour, like, we're going to get a second. I'll have another one of them.

Nice one. So lovely. On a holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Take out the company account. Wow. Don't come back. Your projection of the boss that you think So lovely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Take out the company account. Wow. Your projection of the boss

that you think you're going to be is, I don't, I'm not sure it's accurate. I'm a really reasonable guy. For a PA, you think you're going to be, I think you're quite.

As long as they do exactly what they're told when they're told, then everything will be fine. I mean, you could call it a slave. It's basically. Wiping my arse is getting tedious

Barry! I do want a bumhole wiper at some point right that probably wouldn't be the PA's job they'd probably draw the line there I'd have to get like

someone else in for that a separate bum wiper specialist yeah a bum wiper try and put that on LinkedIn yeah but if you paid well anyone will do anything

for anything right I think some people do have a line there 50 grand a year to wipe Adam's arse they would be queuing round the block

wouldn't they yeah you could get an intern give someone a week and then we'll see what they're like roles include making a tea and coffee

welcoming the guests to the studio and wiping my arse off whenever I explode oh yeah 50 grand a year a PA would be nice the guests of the studio and wiping my arse off whenever I explode. Oh, yeah, yeah. A PA would be nice, wouldn't it? Okay, just, there's loads of jobs.

Yeah, cancel all me meetings, Julie. I just want to be able to say that to someone. I thought I was going to cancel them. You haven't got any? Cancel them! Put some meetings in and then cancel them. Clear my afternoon. I've got stuff. I want to play golf with the president.

Of? President of? President of? The United States. Right. Wow, big one. He's probably around West Derby, is he? Big Joey.

Could do. West Derby golf course is actually a good one. Oh my God. Can we just recommend Shane Gillis' special on YouTube? Yeah. Just mentioning the president. Adam came in and went, Mike, you've got to watch Shane Gillis' special.

And sometimes I'm a bit like, when we get in here, I want to get on. Watching that for 15 minutes was such a great touch before the podcast. So do you want to tell them what it is and where it is? Just go on YouTube and put Shane Gillis special. It's the full-length special. I think it's 48 minutes long, but it's just fucking fire.

It's great. Just go and watch it. We sat here and lolled hard. The President Trump bit is such a non-hack Trump routine. Fuck me. It's so funny. So well done. Go and enjoy that.

Should we put the link in the notes? Yeah, go on, why not? All right, let's have a little break. Adam, get off your phone. We're going to do a Manscaped ad. I'm reading what they want us to say. All right, we'll crack on. Ho, ho, ho, gentlemen.

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and they make a perfect Christmas present. So go and get yourself some stuff right now and enjoy the rest of the episode. Peace. And we are recording. Fucking me, innit? You better have some fucking questions prepared this week. I do.

Are they good? God, that was horrible, that. That was a really nasty tone, and we're trying to have fun here, aren't we? You okay, Dan? I'm going to cry. I'm just crying. Stop being a bitch. Make your way.

Make your way. Could you do an impression of a caveman? That's nice at the museum, isn't it? That's nice at the museum. Give me gum gum. That's at Easter Island, Dad. Why have you asked for that? What?

Because I just couldn't speak. You just wanted to see if I could do it. I like impressions. What about Kevin Spacey? Can you do Kevin Spacey? I can do Kevin Spacey playing a rapey caveman. Go on then. I think all cavemen were rapey, actually.

Wasn't raped, though, was it? Legally, no. Wow. Wow. I think all cavemen were rapey actually wasn't rape though was it legally no wow wow erm so Jack Nicholson erm Jack Nicholson

he's breakfast 3000 yards away from 2000 Cubans who are trained to kill him you can't do impressions you can just do quotes. That wasn't bad, though.

Now do Jack Nicholson as a rapey caveman. Hey, get over here and I'll fuck you in the ass against your will. Oh, no. No, you don't just do quotes. You can ad lib.

Can you rape a cavewoman? I don't think you can. You're in a rambunctious mood over there, Carl. Give me something else. All right, lads. Do whatever you want. I'll just keep going. Keep going.

What kind of rapist do you want? Throw a celebrity rapist at me. I'll do it. But obviously a gay rapist because... Jack Nicholson has not been accused of anything. That's what we were doing, wasn't it? Cristiano Ronaldo. But obviously a gay rapist because... Jack Nicholson has not been accused of anything. Oh, but that's what we were doing, wasn't it? Cristiano Ronaldo.

Oh my God, Carl. Naughty mood. No! No! Upset me! Naughty mood! Producer. I can do Chubby Alonso.

Famous impression. Ever noticed what he sounds like? Do you actually want to do the caveman or you just want to do your impressions? I just want to do impressions. Oh, he just wants to do his impressions. Ladies and gents, it's Adam's impressions. Stevie, pass me the ball.

I'm sorry. The crowd was so excited, they cheered over it slightly. Stevie, pass me the ball. I'm tripping on the wall. How far in I go? Chinese. Just getting in the bath Halfway around goal

He is Japanese Oh my god Al Pacino I'm playing at Luton I'm playing at Luton And the goalkeeper is Off his life Kieran Dyer

What? Kieran Dyer Go on I'm doing it I'm just sat on the bench Nice Nice That was really good

That was a good joke Fast The speed Al Pacino I can do Al Pacino I know you can do Al Pacino Oh god This bath water

It's really hot You gotta get your bath. You got your head all the way up it. The bubbles! The bubbly! Can you do quiet Al Pacino? Just out of interest. Yeah.

That was Elvis. I can do Elvis if you want. Go on. Was it good called Elvis? Do you not know an Elvis song? I think you might be singing a Liverpool chant. It's got a goal. The Reds are playing faulty.

I'm O'Sullivan. I'm O'Sullivan. Running down the wing Jesus Christ Wow Elvis is a red Elvis is a red Elvis is a red

And he's big And dead I can do a New York Jew Always sounds aggressive by the way You land Jew Super aggressive You never go I got an audition for you New York Jew. It always sounds aggressive by the way. You land Jew. Super aggressive. You really lean on the Jew. You never go

I got an audition for you. Tell me that's not fucking perfect. Stunning. Stunning. Jew. You really land the Jew. You really lean in.

What's wrong with that? You never say like a New York Jewish person. Like Jew. Whoever says that. I don't know. A New York Jewish person. Jewy. Whoever says that. I don't know. New York Jewish person. Jewy New Yorker.

Yeah. A Jew Yorker. That's fine being racist when they're that far away, isn't it? I don't give a shit. Fucking miles away. Fucking miles away.

I can see what a way to be a Jew. Can do Ray Winston. Everyone can. Yeah. Wow. Bet 365. What's he saying there is that like asking

to put the kettle on it's when he's lost his bet he never loses though does he fucking I put 12 corners on fucking 13 there it's only the first half

you better come on do you know who Ray Winston is I was betting do you know what Ray Winston is? I was betting. Do you know what I realised? What a sound, isn't it? I realised when I saw that Idris Elba bit, I was like, you naughty little cunt.

My Idris Elba is my Ray Winston. Yeah. Have you got any others? I feel like you need to cleanse yourself of these. They're flowing through you. Can I just say my favourite so far? No, my favourite so far was Xavi Alonso because all your others,

all your other impressions are impressions that every other cunt has tried to do over time. No one's gone, you want to see my Xavi Alonso. Steven, I passed the ball to feet. Steven, pinpoint accuracy. Ludicrous.

I don't know. I'm not good at that one. You can do it, but you're not good at it. Gary Barlow. No, not doing ludicrous. That's fucking stupid. It's ludicrous.

Not doing it. Gary Barlow. Watch your Gary Barlow. Oh, God. Dad, take that. Can't remember how you take that song. You're Gary Barlow doing an Elvis tribute. Spot on.

Can you do Mo Salah? Have I never heard him speak? Yeah. It's hard because he absolutely adores the man. I can't remember what he talks like. An Egyptian. Anaglyphics. For the audio listener,

Adam just walked like an Egyptian. I'll fucking get on that goalie. Oh, God god Over there Yeah I'm Egyptian me love Fucking love a pyramid Should see The one in Crocky Parks

Do my favour Built by the ancient Egyptians Or Crockys I don't know The ancient Crockys The ancient Crockys That's where Jamie Carman came from any questions

alright lads need a bit of advice so I find myself in a weird situation in a minute and could do with some advice this is

the email was titled help a girl out just got out of a three year relationship we never lived together and I didn't really acknowledge it wasn't working until he broke up with me now don't get't get me wrong, I was upset at first,

but quickly started to feel like it was for the best. Now, I've not fought to fix things like I normally would, but he keeps messaging me, ringing, and the latest turn of events is him turning up at my house, even though I've made it clear that he was right and we are over. I don't want to be an arsehole about the situation but how would you guys handle an ex that won't take no for an answer?

Thanks guys. Love the pod. It's from Anonymous. Lady Anon. Answer the door covering your own shit and try and kiss him. Next question.

Say no in a different language. I know. Nine. My ex-girlfriend was telling me about her first boyfriend that she'd been with since school all through college and they were together four or five years and he was a bit of a knob. They broke up and she went off to uni

and he just kept pestering her, kept pestering her and sort of hadn't accepted that it was over, but they had split up. And I don't know if he was abusive, but she was a bit scared of him. Yeah. When she talked about him, I was like,

this was a bad dude. And she'd also had a bit of a sad childhood where her dad was a bit much as well. So she didn't just sort of go, what the fuck are you doing? Leave me alone. She sort of weirdly like cowered and let him in and she decided to put an end to it and she did it brilliantly he was racist the boyfriend so while she was at uni she fucked an asian guy and in front of him not in front of him and just told him. And he never pestered her again.

That was the end. In his head, he was like... That is a phenomenal commitment to get rid of your fella. No, but there was... Don't get me wrong. She didn't just be like, right, I'm going to Taj Mahal for tea. And one of these waiters is getting noshed off next to the fucking onion barges.

I think maybe... She didn't just get on just eat and go, right. I'll have a fucking chicken tea caboona. And someone's getting a handjob on the doorstep. Yeah. Have you got a tip? I've got a fucking brilliant tip,

mate. Get on that. Take this selfie. There was an Asian guy at uni who she fancied, who she had a bit of a thing for. So she was like, apparently she just turned up and was like do you she turned up and was like wearing something sexy it was like i'd like to stay over

and this guy was like okay and then the next day when my next boyfriend i thought i think that guy was just fine she was fucking hot and when the next day when ex-boyfriend was like hi hey all right what you been up to she's like oh just you know shagging asians yeahboyfriend was like, hi, hey, all right, what you been up to? She was like, oh, just, you know. Shagging Asians. Yeah. And he was like, verbatim. All right, what you been up to?

How's your mum? Shagging Asians, mum's all right. I got the full pickle tray. Woof. So, to be fair, she was, he, he, he yoghurted my mint.

Rogan Josh. he he he yogurted my mint erm Logan Josh so I maybe use one of his things against him that was the first thing I saw this email and just thought of her

she was bananas as much as I loved her yeah maybe this guy's not maybe he's not racist maybe he's homophobic oh and should I get a gay guy clever clever

clever I mean I don't know how you're gonna what you're gonna do turn up dressed as a lad yeah find out what's his least favourite pet

and get one maybe scare the sharks wow there's a real gear down on that one like on Friends when he gets a spider to scare Rachel off

and she loves her yeah like a deadly snake oh and let it loose do you know we walk past when we doing the last dance Deadly sneak. And let it loose. Do you know, we walked past,

when we were doing the last dance, we walked past a big reptile shop. Just fucking creeps me out. I know people love it, but I just don't, I just don't get it. Yeah, if I was single and I was on like Tinder or something and there was a girl,

like a lizard, like, I'd still swipe right because she definitely takes in the ass, but after that, i wouldn't want to be with her yeah dominic claire says all right no i'm gonna i'm gonna link this up dominic claire says all right uh lads alas in our friendship group was talking about her ics with lads i hate that word do you yeah it's fucking ruined by garbage sites on twitter oh he fell over I've got the ick fuck off

he doesn't even like you I hate it so much oh my god he stole this car I've got the ick bye next question erm

er er one of her examples was Karl you're gonna hate this so much it's so good I am as well

I'm with Karl about her icks with lads one of her examples was when they wear football tops out in public so good I don't as well. I'm with Colin. About her icks with lads. One of her examples was when they wear football tops out in public. It's so good. I don't want to know you, you fucking fat bitch. He is in a fucking spicy mood.

One of them moods, isn't he? He is, listen, spicy rice. Regla tonight. I feel like I'm in the middle of this. And you're sort of in the middle of it. Because I've got a feeling she means like the local team because this is going to be a scouter.

Oh, I agree with that. Yeah. If like a fellow in an Everton top to the pub. Oh yeah. Fucking right up. Hey, do you know what? The best thing is, it's Dominic Clare that's emailed in.

She doesn't even know that she's part of it. Like, fuck you, you fat bitch. All right. Yeah, no, but she's winning of it Like fuck you You fat bitch Alright yeah no But she's winning me over actually If it's the local team That is a bit noncy Yeah Because you were telling me

You wouldn't even wear You wouldn't wear a Liverpool top To the game No Because it's a bit like Danish family on I will wear a Liverpool top To play a game

Or in your house If you're watching the game Not even really then I wore it when we won the league Because I was pissed And I was like I'm putting my foot At the top Such I was pissed And I was like I'm putting my full hood top on Such a good night

And then I went to the ground You can't wear If I wore an Everton top to the pub I'd have to kill myself It's just No No

Just not the done thing Would you ever wear an Everton top then? Apart from Playing football What if you were on holiday? Is that even worse? No the only Everton top In the Maldives

Do you know what I wear I wear Everton shorts Or like an Everton training top To the pub To the pub But I will never buy An Everton football shirt Get the receipt

On your Christmas meal No sorry No I'd have one To play footy in To play footy in Yeah But I would never wear it Would you wear a 95-96

Borussia Dortmund Home kit That is one of the most Beautiful kits in this room Yeah Yeah It's not like i wouldn't even i haven't even got the the confidence to wear a footy top that's not associated my team i'd wear like a a zip up like training gear of i'd even wear the lift one of them to be honest with you the training stuff is fine yeah fine i can see i can see what girls mean there are is the thing. We think we wear football shirts well. Like, oh yeah, but I'm wearing this one.

It's retro and everything. Girls don't know the difference. They are just associating you with all the bellends that wear football shirts and look like fucking lumps. So I get it. If you are a girl and you don't know football, football tops, there's a lot of like, you're that bellend.

Like I look at you and I go, oh, I know that's a 92, 93 Fiorent bellend like I look at you and I go oh I know that's a 92-93 Fiorentina home shirt it's Batistuta it's Serie A it's Serie A yeah it was foul

they're like oh god another football shirt you're like mate come on if you name some funny shirts by the way if you go to my Twitter buy one click the link

and use the code Carl10 you can get 20% off classic football shirts they're called at UK right cool are we getting a percentage of that no

alright cool you're getting your own private sponsors he's gonna buy us presents with that money. He's told me. Nice. I've told him that, yeah. Yeah.

The ick thing, I'm with Carlo. I hate ick. Get him the actual ick. Like, when someone does something that you're just like, I can't handle that in a relationship, that's what the ick is meant to be. But Carl's right. There's girls now going, in one tweet,

why can't I find a man who's nice to me i just end up with bastards all the time and they end up punching my mom's head in and i just don't know what i'm doing you're picking the wrong guy bro and then like a week later the same girl's like oh my god i've been on three dates with this guy but then yesterday we went to pictures and he got a nice blast but he didn't even get mixed. He just got one flavor, got the ick. And it's like, you're a fucking stupid cunt. And you're going to either end up getting like mentally and physically abused

for the rest of your life by men because someone doesn't get the same ice blast flavor as you. Or you're going to end up lonely, fingering yourself, surrounded by cats. Yeah. The only two options. I mean, the irony is on this podcast, we've spent nearly two years

of getting really specific about things that annoy us and wind us up and it's just a version of that but I get it it is very Instagram sort of language it's horrible

if you were single what are the turn offs what are the it's just another way of saying turn off what are the things about when you were single what are the turn offs

for you when you when a girl does that's what Dominic Clare asked he was like what are the turn offs when you were single what are the turn offs for you when you when a girl does that's what Dominic Clare asked he was like what are the turn offs when you were younger girls

the overdue perfume fucking hell I hated that just watching watching girls go right I'm getting ready like what the fuck you got BV

what are you trying to cover up what's BV smelly biff syndrome right bad vagina yeah was it bv bv man's zonal marking you yeah you hate a girl when you were single you hated a girl that's all mark you you're like a woman mark yeah i uh i can't really remember but there is things where I've been like I'm fucking done with you

not in physical though no apart from a club foot a club foot big shoe big shoe because the old one is the

what big issue no it's a big shoe Steve Harris is getting loads of recognition on this have you seen Shallow Hal yeah when she got her next toe

to her big toe was longer than the big toe. Oh, that's a bit unkind with Finn. I'm not bothered by stuff like that. People like that are like, oh no, I could never do that. I could never.

Yeah. But not on physical. I don't like a girl who's too up her own arse. I like humility. Yeah? Because Serica's beautiful but she's sound.

Yeah. I couldn't be arsed without her being like taking selfies. When I met Laura and she could get ready in 20 minutes, it was one of the greatest revelations of my life. It's part of the reason I was like, you're going to get married with me

because we were just like, John, what, should we go out? And then all it took was 15, 20 minutes and we were like, oh my God, we left the fucking house without you shouting and throwing like straighteners around. Brilliant. So good. And she's beautiful.

She just can fucking get herself together quick. Yeah. Oh, in fact, yeah, the timekeeping thing. Now I'm remembering when you were trying to get to something and you'd agreed a time. Fucking can't find anything to wear. Every time. Grow the fuck up.

Or buy a size up. I just lie to my missus and tell her we're leaving 45 minutes before we are and then she's never late. She time. Grow the fuck up. I just like. Or buy a size up. I just lie to my missus and tell her we're leaving 45 minutes before we are and then she's never late. She tries to do it to me. Yeah. But I'm not stupid.

Right. Yeah, table's booked for seven. It's not booked till half eight. Nice. And it worked out. Yeah, we're going for the drink

before we go to the restaurant then. Right, okay. Clever. Have you got any, have you not got any like turn offs? Smoking Number one for me

Smoking Drugs for me Like a girl who's like a coke head I just couldn't It's just not attractive No it's not I do ketamine What about cigars?

I saw on Instagram There's a bit of a lane with South get him in yeah what about cigars I saw on Instagram there's a bit of a lane with South American girls who take pictures with cigars and I don't know what it was but I was like

I find this very but they don't smoke cigars like at a wedding on an occasion absolutely I'm like do you know what that's weirdly a bit sexy but she's got like

a 40 a day cigar 40 cigars she'd be dead in three weeks wow what and she's inhaling what kind of animal is this

if that girl doesn't suck your dick on the first day you've done something majorly wrong hey Adam I'm from Kewl Bay and I smoke

40 cigars a day that girl pokes fucking hard yeah don't worry about it take me on a day that's okay take me on a day adam i wake up i have cocoa pops i smoke a fucking cuban she's a dirty girl dirty girl but yeah smoking and drugs for me oh i'll tell you what i don't like as well um jews no god yeah jews muslims any religion uh when when they're sort of like um like someone who just pretends they don't want food that they do join someone's

just like like oh what are we gonna get i don't know whether i'm gonna start i might just get like a little side and then for me main i might just get you know the the fish but with no chip i just want like a when like three months later they're like i want everything like i just order whatever you want just be sound just be not what i don't like is uh obvious fakeness which i struggle a lot with in comedy because there's so many fucking hey man haven't seen you for ages and i there is a lot recently i see right through the back of their head and i'm like fuck you that's why i struggle with industry people in comedy. Because I'm like, do you all believe each other? Because I know you're all full of shit.

And that with, like, a girl. If they're like, yeah, I'm like this, and I'm just like, you're obviously not. Like, I just need everyone in my life to just be normal. Just be sound. Sound, normal people who are chill is what i like to surround myself with i think that's one of the easier things about getting a bit older it's just like i remember like laura holding in farts and everything and on reflection you're like if she'd have on the first

day like nando's gone wait i'd get on that i would i wouldn't have been asked who cares she's farts like that anyway like what do you think i don't know like why is this thing like oh never we don't fart eventually you're gonna do just get it all out early doors we don't be yourself be the animal that you are like if if laura was gone gone she left and she'd fucked off and she'd done with me she's gone to lisbon she's gone to lisbon she's in portugal she me. She's gone to Lisbon. She's gone to Lisbon. She's in Portugal. She's gone. She's gone to Lisbon to work as a private detective looking for unnamed missing children.

Matty McCann. Oh, right. Yeah. Because. Because. It turns out she did. She went online. Right.

And she did a personality test. And it turns out she's got. A detective. The detective personality. She's got the detective personality. And she got an email because she clicked a box and said, we can share your days with other people. She got an email from the Portuguese police department.

Right. And they were like- I'm sick of them emails, aren't you? African princes, dick and larges, and the Portuguese police. And they emailed her and said, look, Loz, we've read your report and you are the most detectivist person

we've ever come across that hurt my ears and we think like you could help us find some of these missing kids like it obviously it'd be fucking we'd hit the jackpot if you help us find Maddie we're not expecting that

she's the white whale isn't she she's the goat of missing Portuguese children. Yeah. But if you, like, there's a fella missing called Jerome and another one called Keith. And if you find either of them- How can you not find Jerome and Keith in Portugal

when they're all called Jose? Just literally open the book and go, just find the Jerome. There he is. Just shout Jerome. Yes, just go Jerome. They're like, what? No, but if you kidnap a kid,

you obviously change their name right it's not going to be in the phone book sorry I've kidnapped this kid and let's just make sure he's in the phone book

oh sorry Jerome's number do you reckon they've ever checked the phone book for Madeleine McCann that's why Laura's being brought in

so just to check the obvious stuff that some people miss she's not just a it's only children that she finds missing children and there's a missing child called Keith and Jerome somewhere in Portugal and Jerome yeah Just to check. The obvious stuff that some people miss. She's not just a... It's only children that she finds. Missing children. And there's a missing child called Keith.

A genome. Somewhere in Portugal. A genome, yeah. Right. I don't think she's going to be in Portugal long. While she's away, if I start dating anyone else, I want them to fart on the first date.

Oi, holler at me. You get... My next ex-wife is definitely a podcast listener because I can't pull anywhere else so I just want to be I want to be I want the animal that it like

just get it all out it's Cameron Jerome as well in Portugal Cameron Jerome doesn't make any sense just saying Jerome's and now I say Jerome

Jerome it's just noises Jibone So Jibone If you want your ex-boyfriend To just pick his ick Pick his ick

And then use it against him Yeah So I've doubled up two emails there I thought that was Yeah start smoking Start doing ket Smoking asians I can't tell you

Yeah smoking asian Something about that cigar thing though that i did like an excess you're attracted to the same thing as me you just don't admit it if a woman is smoking a big chonky cuban cigar you just know she's got money and influence and you're like fucking use that money and influence money and influence i agree do you see cigars and think fucking money yeah influence do you not I think

South American dirt bag and I like it with money and influence oh what if it's Hamlet though play I thought he meant to play as well

but he means the cigars the cigar style what's that it's the type of cigar it's a Hamlet cigar it's a type what

it's a type like regal for cigarettes it's a type of cigar it's a hamlet cigar it's a type what it's a type like regal for cigarettes like like a hamlet what like a play no like the cigar you know because we're talking about cigars and the cigars called hamlets well i did not i've never heard of it i'm sorry that i'm not a fucking cigar fucking like you but how in that context whatever yeah smoking the shakespearean play i've never seen Hamlet so I thought maybe he smoked cigars in the play. Oh, right, okay. Not that she's smoking

the fucking book. I've seen The Lion King. I know that's sort of based on Hamlet. And that's Shakespeare, yeah. Yeah, it is, though, isn't it? The Lion King is Hamlet, too. Essentially.

It is, yeah. Remastered. It is, though. It's based on Hamlet, isn't it? It's the same loose story, yeah. Yeah. Uncle kills your dad. You go back, smash your uncle's head in,

take his house. I genuinely didn't know that. Yeah, and she's the man's based on... Yeah, so if you see a woman... That's not a lie. She's the man's based on a Shakespeare story. I can't remember what it is. What is it, Finn?

Romeo and Juliet. No. It's going gonna do me that isn't it Finn's gonna google it we're gonna filter talking talking

with the googling 12th night fucking that's mad that yeah there's loads of films like that that are based on Shakespeare was quite talented

really when you think about it he wrote some stuff yeah he was a good lad wanna see the globe in London or do you just wanna see a picture on google

what's the globe it's his the recreation of the Tudor theatre that he used in the globe in London or do you just want to see a picture on Google what's the globe it's the recreation of the Tudor theatre that he used in the middle of London I'd like to go to that I meant to play it

yeah can you play it is it active now no you can't book in and have a word live show at the globe they're not into it

why not because they spent tens maybe hundreds I don't know how many millions but so much money recreating it it's it's like original tudor theater where there's the standing section it's all made of wood so there's no shows in there there's just shakespeare shakespearean plays i think i think i think that's what they do i think they keep it authentic we

just lie then and say we're going to put on our own production of hamlet and then we just do a live show every now and again we just mention hamlet and we're going to put on our own production of Hamlet and then we just do a live show? And then every now and again we just mention Hamlet. And they're like, this isn't Hamlet. Be like, it'll all reveal itself by the end. And then we get off.

Yeah. You've not heard the twist. It's ye olde have a word. They won't know though, will they? We'll just be like, you have an inkling. Why?

When you turn up. What, and what, what are you, which production are you doing? The Lion King one. That one. That's Shakespeare's. The Lion King-y one. A-wumba way, a-wumba way, a-wumba way.

In the Hamlet, the mighty Hamlet. Adam smokes tonight. Oh, wee! Oh, my God, another Liverpool song. Woo! But we've done it. There you go. That was Hamlet.

Put us on the globe. Book us. Give us a shout out. Yeah. Email us. Have a word, pod the Gmail account. Get on us. Get on me.

Let's come and do the globe. That's now actually a dream for me for this podcast. That's how my brain works. That is a lifelong dream you've had for 48 seconds you've just told me i can't do it and genuinely the back of my brain has gone hang on i don't know that the globe i'm not sure but i i think i heard that because they've recreated it as like a fucking 16th century playhouse and it's open air isn't it and everything i think they only do like marlo and shakespeare and stuff of that era i think okay i don't know

if you can turn up and do imperious you know a london date challenge accepted challenge accepted are you doing a shakespeare yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One man Shakespeare. Did you see the Shakespeare bit about Victoria's Secret? Shakespeare was really into like trans issues. Did you not know that? Back then, no. I imagine the models were even thinner

because it was less progressive back then, wasn't it? Like, they wouldn't let fat women even in the shop, never mind in the window. Wasn't fatness seen as beauty back then? No, no, that was even before that. No, no, yeah, there was a, like, your pale skin was a sign of wealth, wasn't it? If you were pale,

it meant you never had to be outdoors working the land. And you were fat, it means you had loads of food. Yeah. So you were rich. Yeah, it's just the same. And you were fat. It means you had loads of food. Yeah. So you were rich. Yeah. It's just the same as if you were in Africa as well, apparently. Like, wow. Look at that fat cunt.

Rich. Smoking a cigar. Yeah. Powerful. Adam! Adam! Give me some of your Twinkies. I'll let you shoot another villager.

You know, from before. Two more. All right, lads. another villager you know from before two more all right lids we need to tell you about our sponsor nord vpn but if i'm being completely honest and sounding like a granddad i don't know loads about vpns i do though vpns are an absolute belter and the fact you watch as much porn as you do and have never used one of these is absolutely fucking mind-blowing it is essentially premium cyber security it hides everything you're doing and with one click of a mouse you can decide you're in any country in the world so you know like netflix is in america is a lot bigger than in the uk right you can go i'm in

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debate there will be no listening from now on welcome to theings is here! Yay! Welcome to the show, lads. How are you? Wow, hang on, hang on, hang on. Right off the fucking bat, he's gousing it up. He's just shitting on the pizza. He's just shitting on the pizza. The pizza's fine.

It wasn't. Genuinely, it was in the top three worst pizzas I've ever eaten. Right? How are you there, Phil? Fine, yeah. We went pizza. We spent about £180 on five pizzas. Stuffed crust? Was that stuffed crust? Yeah, yeah. Stuffed crust. We spent about £180 on five pizzas.

Stuffed crust? Was that stuffed crust? I like stuffed crust. You got to go stuffed crust at Pizza Hut because it's kind of not great pizza, but the stuffed crust, the novelty of it. You go to Pizza Hut not for the pizza you go because we went. We had a Pizza Hut.

You know what I mean? Yeah, also because you can take your kids there and they can shout and shit, and everyone's like, it's fine, it's Pizza Hut. There's no anxiety. Alfie Brown and I took his kids the day after 2019 enver a festival to pizza hut and let me tell you about uh alfie's son and daughter they are a they much like alfie will not play ball and two are very very very adorable so we walk into pizza and his son just looks at his

very hungover dad and his hungover dad's hungover friend he just met and just went, Daddy, you know I don't like pizza. And I was just like, oh, how's this going to go? And Alfie was just like, you do like pizza. You talked about this all morning. And then his daughter was like, I also do not like pizza, Daddy. And these fucking stoic children ordered chicken fingers at a pizza hut. And I watched Alfie brown demolish a

pepperoni pizza while i hit that pizza buffet like eight times oh yeah yeah there's something about the salt and sugar content of a pizza pizza that really helps with the hangover well i'm trying to watch me wait at the minute so i got i got i got thin based and non-stuffed crust because that's basically like the diet coke of pizza do you remember the very and i don't mean to make this sound as hurtful as it's about to sound that very brief time where you were so in shape do you remember that time no what i'm really gonna create in false perceptions of positivity that was six hours long i've never been no i was there boxing that was the boxing yeah but if you look

at those pictures i'm like i'm thin for me yeah yeah but that's still thin yeah no but people would like if if that was like dan people would be like fuck dan why what's going yeah but like again i want to be you're my friend i don't want to be rude but where you were coming from to where you got to was incredibly impressive you know what i I mean? It would be like you started off, you were covered in piss and shit, and by the time you got to the boxing, it was only piss. So, you know. Adam's in great pissy shape. Yeah, like the smell is vastly improved.

Still bad. It's still not good. Like, you can't come in the house. But, oh, yeah, he can get in the car as long as it's fine. I didn't realize you got in relatively good shape for the book what were you doing at the book were you fighting john this legendary i beat up chris martin it was the greatest day i had a pair of pussies they had a no face hitting rule and a boxing match first of all uh the no face hitting rule is because chris was auditioning to be on louisa omelet man's omelan the omelet man

louisa omelan thank yous sketch show the next day and i don't want him to not get work because we're raising money for a uh for a kid with cancer you know what i'm saying yeah he's also a thin person and he needs money too so we had a no face hitting rule. And then I'm also twice the size of Chris Martin. So I was bullying him pretty professionally in the ring. And then he punched me in the face and I saw red and knocked him to the ground in pure rage. So hang on, you're bigger than him, but you aren't allowed to punch the face.

Is that a disadvantage? Here's what it was, is we went, can we give some context to what has been discussed? They know, they know. Of course. By the way, if you're some context to what has been discussed on the show? They know. Of course. Oh, by the way, if you're like,

Oh, what are you talking about? Do your fucking research. We've had Kai on, we've had Elliot on. Oh yeah. I mean, it was,

so our plan, so we were going into, and our plan was Chris was just going to give me the rock bottom. And then we were going to double count out, double knockout. And then the first fight, which was Tom Houghton and Phil Nickel went in the ring, and the crowd, when there was violence, went, yeah!

And everyone else had trained, but Chris was on his honeymoon. I was in Canada. So we were just, we're like, we're not training. Sorry, Kai. Like, we're comedians doing boxing. We're not like the rest of these psychos that all think they're fucking Mike Tyson. Like, everyone else was taking it so seriously.

Me and Bobby Mayer were cracking jokes. I was threatening Chris with HPV at one point. Like, there's just, there was no levity. And then we just were like, we're going to have to fight. So I went, got the corner man and went, we didn't train. You need to show me how to box. And he was just like, what? I was like, we didn't train. You need to show me how to box. And he was just like, what? I was like, we didn't train.

Like the rest of these fucking losers, I guess, needed something to do over Christmas. Where I come from, you drink and you smoke and you eat bad food over Christmas. Show me how to fight. So they showed me how to take two swings. Luckily, Chris is being shown the same thing. I mean, some guy from Blithe going,

fucking fists? Yeah. Just throw them in Yeah What you want to do a lot Is you just hit him in the kiss That's what all Geordie people sound like That's what they all sound like

Those Mexican Geordies I'm from the Mexican quarter of Blithe They do have one of them I just want I'm from the Mexican quarter of Blythe. Did you have one of them? I just want to point out. The Mexican quarter. Dan is really going after two groups of people that will fucking remember. Mexicans. And people from Blythe.

Yeah, that's true. And the three people in the middle of that Venn diagram are fuming right now. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Sanchez O'Rourke from Blythe, England. Sanchez. I love how his first name is Mexican,

but his family name is the Geordie one. Yeah, his dad is a Geordie. That's how that happened. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what's over there. I really insist upon that. He's being called after my father, okay?

Okay, how much do you want to bet? The odds are of a Geordie man just going to Mexico and fucking without a condom are 100%. That's a guarantee. You put a man from Newcastle in Cancun and just go have sex.

He's not going to be like, I genuinely, I'm starting to think that I don't know if anyone from Blythe has ever been to Mexico. Why do I need to going to happen. I genuinely, I'm starting to think that I don't know if anyone from Blythe has ever been to Mexico. Why do I need to go to like a further away Spain? I'll go to the close one.

No, no. 90, 95%. It's the 5% that have to go to Mexico because they're no longer welcome in Spain. That's who I'm talking about. You know what I mean? They're the ones

who really wanted to leave Europe and stuck with it. It's like all the Irish people that weren't welcome in Liverpool so they had to go to America. And build New York.

Exactly. Yeah. A guy called Tomo from Blade living in Mexico City. Yeah. Fucking hell. If he's not...

The fucking sandwiches here, man. They just fold them over. I can't do your accent. I don't give a fuck. Also, by the way, entire population of the UK, none of you fucks

except for Dan Nightingale can do a fucking North American accent. I can. Go ahead. What's hard here is he's been doing his Al Pacino before you got here.

Al Pacino doesn't count. No, because first of all, it's just Ric Flair but tired. That's not a skill. It's like doing Ken Dodd. That's not being able to do a scouser accent. That's Ken Dodd. You were expecting a Ken Dodd reference just more like that's not being able to do a scouser accent. That's Ken Dodd.

You were expecting a fucking Ken Dodd reference on have a word. The word today is surprise. How is your Pacino and his Ken Dodd racist against Japanese people? Give me a sentence to say. Oh, what a lovely time we're having. Oh, what a lovely time we're having. First of all, what happened to this American? American J.

Yeah, I mean, no. Oh, what a lovely time we're having. You brought pasta. What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. You got bolognese.

I didn't realize. It's the greatest Tuesday all year. Stop doing this. Do one of the kids from Newsies have a debilitating brain injury? Like, holy loving God. Say Bolognese again. What? Say Bolognese again.

Bolognese. That's awesome. Like Thomas Green. That's Australian Jew. Yeah. Australian Jew. Yeah. Australian Jew. Oh. You brought pasta.

Oh my God, it's getting worse. It sounds like this person's from the part of Brooklyn that got submerged during the last hurricane. What it sounds like they're from Brooklyn. No, you missed the other part where they drowned. Unbelievable. That was so good. Yeah yeah yeah

His Blythe and your American Oh my god No I smell I smell a buddy cop movie That no one ever wants to see Sanchez O'Rourke and Drowned Brooklyn Boy

Try and solve the mystery Forget about it Oh my god I want to Oh you have to do a neutral regular North American Hi there Could I get a cup of coffee to go? What the fuck?

That was good. That was fucking fantastic. It was not good. Could I get a cup of coffee to go? A little bit of milk in that please and maybe some sugar too. Okay, thanks for that weather report. Exactly. I didn't realize do you read the news on Tucson today?

I think you're going to find it easier if you black this American up. Oh, here we go. What was that? They told me about this podcast on Twitter and I freaking knew it would come to blacking up. Oh, motherfucker. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It was a joke. John's got a career in LA. This will be frowned upon. I have a career in Liverpool. I don't frowned upon. I got news for you. I have a career in Liverpool. I don't even think they want to see that happen there. My God. Well. What is this?

The 90s on BBC One? Sort of. Yeah. Chris Martin's in LA, isn't he? The guy that you twatted is also in LA. That's right. We travel as a pack. There are certain moves in comedy that make me go, oh, oh.

And it's when someone I know who has gigged in all the shitholes that I've gigged in is then going, oh, no, I'm in L.A. Yeah. It's just such a, it feels like such a life up. Is it, realistically? Or is it just, is it the perception? Well, the weather is way better that's the main thing is the weather is about 20 degrees every day and sunny so it's just like it's as hard as being a comedian anywhere because there's still a lot of rejection

and annoying bullshit you have to deal with but as opposed to england where 90 of the time someone's like oh yeah we were going to give you that amount. But, like, I can't because, I don't know, I just am an unscrupulous piece of shit human being. I know who you're talking about. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's fun, especially in the U.K., is there's four guys that it could definitely be that are totally listening,

all thinking there's no way it's me, and it's definitely one of those four. Definitely one of those four. But in the LA, you walk outside and you're like, oh, the weather is fucking great. Like you're not like, oh, this guy's a piece of shit. And also it's super rainy and cold. But like the main difference is LA, no one pays. Like there's just no money like for a club set

because they're like, well, we cannot pay you or we cannot pay the most famous comedians in the world they don't need the money so we've decided you don't need the money so you just have to do a bit more traveling than you would in the uk is sort of the only difference to sustain in america like road gigs you go out to like the no like in the city like you know like if you're in like london you're doing top secret they're going to give you some money the equivalent of top secret in la will give you what they call cab fare. It'll give you $20.

That's insane. That's about it. You're not getting paid for your product, though. No, because you see, here is the thing. In Britain, you guys had a wave of socialism post-World War II that imbued the entire nation with this sense of, like, you get paid for your work. North America never had that, so it's a purely capitalist society. I hope everyone's really enjoying this comedy podcast,

by the way, but that's the sort of thing. No, we do too. We talk industry. We talk a bit of- Okay, you never knew. So it's basically, that's the only difference. But, and I said this to Paul Tomkinson and I thought his head was going to explode.

I prefer that there is way less of a financial incentive to doing gigs in los angeles because i am way you are way more free to just try shit because if they're like there's no there's not you're not getting 300 quid for the gig where they're like you're the headliner and you're doing 30 and you better fucking nail it because i'm playing you they're like you can be like you're giving me 20 i'm gonna try well they still will be come on man you're on stage at the fucking melrose improv don't fuck this up and you're like yeah that's true but like in your there's sort of a thing to it in for me coming from the british circuit to there where it's like well i can i can fuck around and still yeah kind of make

it seem like the thing at the end was supposed to be there. And you can't do that in certain clubs. They just also are paying way less attention in certain respects. Like what they care about is the crowd leaving at the very end, smiles on their faces. They're listening for laughs. UK club people,

a lot of actually, they're looking at the jokes and they don't care about the audience react. Do I understand? Yeah, I know. Do you know what makes the difference? I just, I like, I like living in America a lot more and I love visiting visiting the uk i was so fucking done with this country i like

i can't even like i i don't want to be rude to the people listening oh you should have hosted me all english people in my book start at the level of scum and i have to meet them and they slowly rise above that as individual but they are starting at such a fucking deficit and you're going why name a fucking thing and that's what brexit alone is do you understand this is what really pissed me off is throughout the fucking pandemic every single one of my fucking english bet you don't best you weren't living best you wish you weren't living in America now. No, I'll be all right. I'll be all right.

I know Americans and I know English people. English people are really good at the beginning, but you guys accept, you'll be like, we did it. We locked down. And then they're going to fuck everything up. And Americans are really good at being shit until the last second. And then they'll fix everything everything and that's exactly what happened is fucking britain was nailing covid and then you fucked it and america was fucking it and at the

last second they're like give everyone the vaccine and also let's kill all these people that like trump too yeah yeah and they're like i remember that bit when we were like we like last summer we were like right well that's us sorted so what is it now august i mean texas is on fire florida's a fucking nightmare three months later like yeah you're not seeing your nana at christmas yeah buckle up for that people were saying things to me like uh like trump like what are you gonna like trump's gonna be in forever and i even knew when he got elected in 2016 like there's no way that guy makes it two terms. He doesn't actually know how to do the job.

He's just good at distracting people by saying wild shit. And then everyone's like, he sided with the proud boys. And it's like, yeah, he also hasn't filled 900 government jobs. So actually the real thing you should be concerned about is the fact no one in the country can get visas.

Not the fact that he like, yeah, he's a racist piece of shit that's true but he's distracting the actual shit he's not doing he putting in a bunch of judges on a municipal level that believe that the queen of england is a lizard we need to be concerned about that because those fucks aren't going away but he's going to be gone soon which is what happened and england's done the opposite which is everyone's like boris johnson he's a bit of a joke and now you guys can't get rid of him he's like the fucking human equivalent of herpes he just pops up at the least convenient time it never looks and he's the same kind of

cunt isn't he like oh yeah like he's the blonde buffoon it's actually weirdly more dangerous that's all that i'm bloody useless and you're like yeah but you're still here fucking us oh so he's like and how how are we gonna get rid of him at least trump was like i think bonnus wants to go now though does he yeah but he is no i think he's gone yeah i was prime minister and he gets to say that forever now yeah but you know what's waiting okay what do you want to be do you want to be the prime minister of england where none of his 11 bastard children and all of the ex-wives have to come at his money he doesn't have to explain where all of this where none of his 11 bastard children and all of the ex-wives have to come at his money he doesn't have to explain where all of this we all of his wealth has come from from very variety of weird speaking gigs he can just kind of hang out blame it all on matt hancock and

talk to a cat i don't know what he fucking does but no like there's also who else is gonna like for some reason keir stormer everyone hey i don't know what happens in uk politics but basically this is how it seems to go for the last 10 years which is the tories are in power nobody likes that leader they are a horrifically corrupt posh piece of shit and then labor is led by someone that would probably do a very good job as prime minister but the entire country has just gone fuck this piece of shit. Fuck them. And then you have the Lib Dems, which seem also like a really good idea on paper, but also everyone's been like,

they're like the coronation chicken of political parties. If you see someone order that by choice, you're like, you're fucked, man. What are you doing? So the Liberal Democrats complete reasons for lunch. Are you out of your fucking mind? Dan is fuming Right there I'm sick of Starmer

Getting slagged off Like he's worse Than the Tories I know You think he's a wet wipe He's just useless Yeah he's not But he's worse

He's better than the Tories Thank you Where is this I don't understand this When people don't like The Labour leader I'm like cool That's fine

You think he's a wet wipe We have the blonde Bumbling antichrist In charge But this is I completely agree with you Honestly if Osama Bin Laden Came wearing a red rosette Going I'm Labour now I'd be like Like, cool, that's fine. You think he's a wet wipe. We have the blonde bumbling antichrist in charge. But this is, I completely agree with you. Honestly, if Osama bin Laden came wearing a red rosette going, I'm Labour now, I'd be like, I'm weighing it up against Boris Johnson.

That's how much, that's how- The thing with Osama bin Laden likes big tip blonde porn. I like big tip blonde porn. But that is a common ground. I understand how easy it was for people, especially in this country, which I think at its heart is quite a conservative country and it's very much mine i got it mine so they to smear

corbin was very very easy and you could convince most people who are either center left center right or far right that corbin's not the answer kia starmer the since he's come in the papers want to help him and he's not even a like the media thing they're now turning on Boris Johnson and they've sort of been like Starmer we'll sort of we'll be nice to you and we'll sort of back you and he's still doing fuck all

that's my issue with Keir Starmer is that he's got the opportunity to be the new Blair which is like a guy who is hang the fuck on hang the fuck on. Hang the fuck on. No one wants a new Blair. What the fuck are you talking about? In context, you'll understand what I mean.

So Tony Blair was a left wing politician. He was center left who managed to get the support of a right wing press because he gives them enough of what they want while satisfying the left wing of the country. Keir Starmer has got the opportunity to be the new Tony Blair, as in the one who got elected,

not the one who was ousted for the war crimes. I'm talking the guy who was backed by the papers. It was given backing from people on the right and the right of center. Starmer has that opportunity and he's pissing it up the wall because he's shite. the centre, the right of centre. Starmer has that opportunity and he's pissing it up the wall because he's shite. All right, I want to know. But he's still better though, isn't he?

He's still better than the Tories. Yeah. Yeah, good. That's because you could not like him, but if he's offering steady opposition. I would vote Rylan Clark in. Yeah, that's the point. Above the Tories.

No, but hang on. Hang the fuck on and let's back up. First of all, don't ever, ever again in your entire life act like anyone on the planet wants anything close to Tony Blair at any point of his leadership of this country. That guy was a sun-kissed fucking hustler. I love Blair. I love i love i'm sure you do god he's such a douche i have yeah he is such a fucking smart baby he is the most pump punchable

version of english this is what i'm talking about as a fucking nation of scum that you fucking are that tony blair sorry sorry lying now that's what we we get financially fucking dubious bag of shit fucking moron who lied about his own religion because he knew it did not mesh with any of his messages even though it was directly influencing his policies and he was not appropriately informing the people he was supposed to represent kirsten's problem is he is not a good quote-unquote politician for these times because right now we've all been influenced by social media and everything is about getting the other side, proving how bad they are. You have to appeal to the newspapers.

Keir Starmer is not appealing to the newspapers because the fucking newspapers are part of the fucking problem. The reason why Britain has a Brexit is because the Daily Mail was blaming rickets on the fucking Scandinavians and the fucking housing crash on a couple of polish people who came to fix some fucking siding the main fucking problem in fucking britain right now is that for a long ass time people were not holding any of their leaders accountable they were just complaining and whining about a bunch of things and they get distracted by

the actual problem which is a over reliance on people still thinking that the class is the class system has been used so fucking well to keep everyone in their place in this country that by the actual problem, which is a over-reliance on people still thinking that the class system has been used so fucking well to keep everyone in their place in this country that they all do exactly what you guys did, which is you went, Keir Starmer is better than Boris Johnson. You go, let me tell you how fucking bad Keir Starmer is, and you yell for five minutes, and at the end of it, you go, he's still better than Boris Johnson. You go, of course he's still better than Boris Johnson, but he can't get any traction because it seems like everyone hates him. let's break it down like this boris johnson i'd love to see him just

decapitated with some trimming shears just in the middle of trafalgar square just like that you know just blood geysers up and then you know what let's get nuts let's put nick clegg in charge remember him from like eight years ago what the fuck did he ever do besides kind of look like he just he didn't quite wash soap off of his body in the shower he made one policy the the spearhead of his entire campaign and then fell for the most obvious trick in the world from david cameron he got in as part of a coalition his entire campaign was we will abolish tuition fees and then he got this deal to be the the number two to david cameron david cameron was like right nick we're just gonna have to just so you know we can give you everything you want but this tuition fee thing we're not going to abolish them what we're actually going to do is

treble them and nick clegg was like well as long as i get everything else not realizing that was political suicide for him and the entire liberal democrat party because they'd they'd won their right to be part of the coalition by the fact that they promised students free tuition and then that was the one thing that they sold down the river. Yeah, that was 11 years ago. It doesn't matter. It does matter. Yeah, but you're

in a completely different country than you were 11 years ago. I didn't expect this podcast today. Neither did I. I didn't. We were literally I was like, so Chris Martin's in LA as well. Yeah, yeah, but fuck that. What about British politics? Yeah.

Here's what I want to fucking know right now is where are those two brothers that looked weirdly similar but weirdly different who were both almost the leaders of David and Ed Miliband. Oh, the Miliband brothers.

Where are those two fucking dials? Ed Miliband's got a podcast. That's what he's up to. No, he doesn't. He does? If he's hosting it with some weird circuit comedian like Adam Bloom, I'm going to shoot. He swears on it as well.

He's like, cool now. He's a fucking bloody twerp. What does he swear? First of all. He's just normal on it, yeah? No, no, no, no, no, no. Normal-ish. For him.

He called George Osborne a horrible fat cunt last week. I mean, but he is. Fuck off. No, he didn't. Yeah, he does. He's got his best. Ed Miliband's got his week. I mean, but he is. Fuck off. No, he doesn't. Yeah, he does. He's got his best... Ed Miliband's got his best mate from school, and he's the producer.

I'm gonna eat him. I'm covering Jerome. Careful. From before. Careful now. Okay, here's my question. Do you ever find this, and this is such a British comedy thing,

is the weird people British comedians are friends with always blows my fucking mind. Like, first time I met Josh Howie, he then introduced me to Alexi Sale. And I then, of course, embarrassed myself by just saying to Alexi Sale, hey, man, were you the sultan in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? And he said, indeed I was. And I was like, that's cool. And then he's like, I used to do stand-up comedy.

And right there I was just like, yeah, whatever, I'm the first s Sultan from Indiana Jones. He's literally a groundbreaking comedian. I had no idea. He's like, don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason Manford is best mates with Dion Dublin. Yeah.

And every time I see Jason Manford tweet about it, I'm like, it's almost like my head can't compute it. Do you know who Dion Dublin is? No idea. He's a former Premier League footballer who now hosts Holmes under the hammer. Oh my God. And no one has questioned that lateral move.

What I like about Britain so much is that if you can get on television, you just get to be on television and it does not matter. Like, why were you on television? Oh, I'm a horrific racist and I was on Question Time to expose the level of vitriol

that exists within Britain. Also, I will be hosting a new show called Conservatory Away. And it's where we, two people who live on the same street, compete to see who has the better conservatory. Like that's, and that's exactly. I had like, we could do that. Have a word. Conservatory. Exactly.

Yeah. I could already hear a new patreon's being opened your dad's getting in his car to build an unnecessary studio by a bunch of scientists do you know how fucking off-putting it is to come do this show you just you arrive at a barely built train station you're picked up by a very... Is this where I'm supposed to be? I was like, you work for these people. I don't fucking know. And then we get here, keep going to various doors that are

unlocked, walking down a long hall with a bunch of people in scrubs. We've parked near a bunch of canoes and there's no water. There's canoes in the car park. There's canoes in the car park. And then we walk in here and on television it's like, you two have led your legions of incels and various Proud Boys that enjoy this show to believe it's like a fun, cool bachelor loft.

This is plastic, and behind the cameras, it literally just looks like a convention of various Ikea shelves and boxes. When you walk down the corridors, the scientists and like the fucking tech gimps, they're like rolling barrels with like, like the toxic thing. And they've all got masks on and I'm just walking past in a brushy adult man.

Yeah. Eight pizzas. Stuff crust. Yeah. We do not belong in this building. Coming to do this podcast is kind of like that scene in good fellows where Robert De Niro is saying to Karen, like just a little further down a little further down yeah go in there

adam daddy i'll get him later i'll get him later john hasty's just running off jordan i want to talk about something because i thought it was brilliant and i want to sort of hear the story of what happened. So Jordan, COVID times, you did America's Got Talent to an empty arena. The day COVID started, I did. Fuck. Yeah, it was the day COVID started.

So that like- The opening night of COVID. Exactly, yeah. The opening ceremonies of COVID. All the different countries were there in their masks. Botswana. So set the scene. It's an empty arena, and it's you, the camera crew, and the four judges.

There's so much more to it. So, okay, so I've been going there every day that week. So for those of you that there's Britain's Got Talent, America's Got Talent, all of those sort of shows, how those sort of work is before you go out and do your talent, there's like an interstitial beforehand where they talk about your story, and then you go out and do your talent, there's like an interstitial beforehand where they talk about your story and then you go out and perform. Adam was actually, when we did Freddie Quinn's weird, what's with comedians in the north of England hosting podcasts

in just weird warehouses? Do you remember Freddie Quinn's podcast that was in like this weird warehouse and it was one mic for three of us and then no way the audio quality was very good? Yeah, and he recorded it on like a 480p camera and was still trying to cut in. And it looked like confessions of like, like when you watch like Making a Murderer and they've got his cousin on the couch

and he's like, yeah, I did it. That's what we looked like on the video version of this podcast. Yeah, we both looked like the red herrings in true crime documentaries. Just talking to a guy who's definitely got some literal and figurative skeletons in his closet i had to if you remember i had to leave in the middle of that to go argue with a producer because uh they wanted my i was married at the time and they wanted my was i married at that point yes uh they wanted my wife

uh to be on camera and i had to explain to them she doesn't want to be on camera and so she can't be so we had to like invent it was that the america's got talent producer yeah that's who oh wow okay i didn't even know that at the time yeah oh so they were trying to do a sort of like a what was your sob story they always want a sob story and i was i was like no i'm like i'm coming on as a comedian doing it as a comedian that's it right that's it and as much as i did as i went i have dyspraxia we can talk about that but they will make what is that we've got music for a sad story john has dyspraxia yeah he's broken three fingers trying to get in these in the door as he came into the studio yes no i got covered in toxic waste because a woman

named roberta was too busy talking to an uh attendant adrian and his wife is shy yeah my wife is my wife didn't really feel like being on national television doing this good luck um so uh i had to argue with them and then i said we'll talk about how i have dyspraxia which means i was born without hand-eye coordination whatever so we do that and they make you like wait for a long time and then we'll like ask you a bunch of really cutting emotional questions to try and make you seem really like like make you cry it's so but it was one of the things where it's like i've done enough tv that i could see i knew as soon as i walked in i was like oh i know what gave and like every every producer is an english person like it's all it was like oh so what do they hit you with to try and what they're trying

to get you to go like and then they'll like ask you like a really like what was one question they were like um so was your dad around and did it hurt when he wasn't around and i had to be and i literally i think that when i went what does that have to do with stand-up comedy like there was a couple of times where i was like i gotta watch it because i think they're getting very angry at me but i kept like trying to make jokes and so like every day i'm going out there and like as i'm traveling out there i'm getting a call from like here of like okay it's looking like this is real do not expect to be doing enver this year we're going to be shut down for a couple of months and i was like all right sure right. Sure. Sure. Australia gets cut.

Like. I'm supposed to fly. Do America's Got Talent. And then the next day. Fly to Australia. And they're like. Australia. Guess a fucking again.

I was like. Well. All right. I'll be there. And I'll be there in 2021. No problem. Yeah. Wrong.

And then like. Then finally. It's just like. You're just doing America's Got Talent. And then the shutdown is coming. And then I showed up on Saturday. When the governor of California is like. Everyone everyone go home we are stay at home order i'm at the pasadena center for the performing arts oh uh me uh a comedian named alex hooper

uh a guy another comedian who i know very well who dresses as a chicken are the three stand-ups. And we sit there all day while they are bringing in, like, opera singers, kids. Anyone who doesn't live in Los Angeles that needs props is all getting, like, shot that day. So it finally comes down to it's 9 o'clock at night. I've been there for, like, 13 hours or something insane. Smoked so many cigarettes. I'll never forget this. Remember at the beginning of COVID, they're like, whatever you do,

keep washing your hands. So it's everyone breathing in, just spitting in each other's mouths, but oh, our hands were clean, baby. Do that. I was the second last person. There was no audience members whatsoever. And they kept having to hold because there was technical

problems also like the crew is dismantling the entire set the last thing they have to do is take down the stage set i'm the second last act the crew is sitting in the audience visibly wanting everyone to move it the fuck along and so for 45 minutes of me waiting to go do this opportunity which by this point i'm not even thinking but i'm thinking about what the fuck are we going to do for covid how am i going to financially survive this what the fuck is this this is so i'm not even thinking there's no audience nothing and then the opera singers before me get buzzed and the alarm sirens were set for if there's 5 000 people in in a theater, not there's 34 people. So it's the loudest noise ever to the point,

I think it scared the opera singers and they had to reset them. So I go from talking to Terry Crews about his custom shoes, which were really nice. Also, Terry Crews, very funny, because he was like, are your shoes custom? And I wanted to be like, no, Terry, not all of us have been on three sitcoms so like i buy my shoes off the peg you rich fuck uh and then i have to go out there and all i'm thinking about is i don't want that fucking siren to go off and so i like got really nervous and rambled and then fucking Howie Mandel like kind of calmed me

down did it and then I just went into my fucking set and it would went fucking well thank Christ went well to the judges the builders and that's it some scared opera singers the opera singers were fucking gone all right so that like it went well and then I was like holy shit because with those shows you're like I could be a fuck I could look like a real cunt here. Couldn't I? I could really embarrass myself. Yeah. And no one's forgetting that.

No one's going to tell me that they've watched it. But if this looks bad, I know the monsters that I'm very close friends with. They will have watched it. And also we've all done gigs where you're like, oh my God, this is a shit show. And if you die you go the fuck was i meant to do but it's yeah you don't want it you don't tv it's a tv thing that is like one of quietly one of the biggest shows in america where my career is now like it's just like i don't want and it went well thank god at this point i don't know how it's going to be edited i then

have to have a 30 minute conversation with a lawyer about everything that needs to happen now here's where things get fascinating. I now have to get home. So LA has very limited public transport and there's a pandemic. I don't have a car. There's no Ubers in the city of Los Angeles and I'm 35 miles from my house. So I have to take LA public transport, which is just me and the wildest homeless people.

Like we're talking like, like, like you don't have unhomed the way LA has unhomed like British homeless people. Okay. Yeah. You bring me your weird craggly voice and you're, you might have a knife. I'm like talking about like that guy is naked that guy is on fire and he does not seem to care like like oh yeah oh oh there's actually a conspiracy in liverpool that there's no homeless people and they all just get dropped off on a coach every

day in town and i've actually seen a bus full of homeless people pull up and they all get out right just go and i don't believe I don't believe anything you just said. Well, also, Welcome to the podcast. the homeless people in Liverpool have worked out that if they're arseholes, they get nothing. So they're incredibly friendly, courteous, and complimentary.

Genuinely, there's a homeless man near Hot Water who went, Hey, lads, lovely hat. Have a great evening. And I was ignoring him. I was past him. There was no way he was getting money from me. He was like, Lads, lovely hat. Have a great evening. And I was ignoring him. I was past him. There was no way he was getting money from me. He was like, lad, lovely hat.

Really like your style. Have a great evening, by the way. And I was like, oh, God. They're like, that's how they've worked out. It's like the homeless people of Liverpool have watched how the rest of the city behaves and gone, let's do the opposite. We'll do the opposite.

We are good people, John Hastings. I'm not saying you're not good people. I am saying on a street level, you are very, what's the word? Not your best selves. Oh, John, when you were slagging off the UK, that will go down very well around here. Now you're slagging off Liverpool, and I'm just here to watch. Bring it on.

For example, I was walking with my my ex-wife in Liverpool and we walked by a woman who was full passed out full passed out face down

vertically on the pavement in front of a winter school she was from Manchester she 100% was not

I spoke to this woman and her voice was so scouse it should have come with a careful

Beatles t-shirt well we did the radio edit on that one um anyway she's super stressed out my uh my girlfriend at the time then wife no ex-wife like gets down and is like are you okay honey and the reason why we had to is because her boyfriend was trying to wake her up and her boyfriend was intensely bleeding from both hands. And how he was trying to wake her up was hitting her on the back. She's wearing an all-white dress. So he's just covering her in his dirty, weird, drunk, scouser blood going, come on!

Come on! Girl kind of wakes up. My ex goes, are you okay? And the passed out woman goes, ah, fuck off! We don't like out of town ass. Scottish? I knew she was Scottish.

She was from fucking Liverpool. I can't do your terrible accent. We don't like out of town ass. Is that like Schmidt? I don't care. She was from the world. Stop. Attention, Liverpool. Stop being so impressed

with yourselves. Other things have existed. Oh, God. Can you name? I'm out of this episode, everyone. I want you to know, everyone. Can you name another city on the planet who's had more of an influence on the world than Liverpool? New York City. No.

New York is essentially just a scouse American scouse. Are you out of your fucking mind? You child's drawing of a scouser. Can you name one city that has had more influence on the world? Rome, Paris, Los Angeles. What the fuck have they done? Apart from influence, Blackpool Tower. That's it.

Oh, I'm not even fucking starting in on this. Beatles invented music, pretty much. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Tom O'Connor. Greatest comedian. Tom O'Connor. Ken Dodd.

You know him. Yeah. I don't Ken Dodd. Who's Tom O'Connor? Who's Tom O'Connor? He's the husband of the woman that was laying face down on the floor. Oh, bloody hams, Tom. This is also why I like making fun of Liverpool,

because everyone does what Dan does. Watch out! I don't know what's going to happen. I know where my fucking bread's born. Do you know the first thing you ever said to me when we met? The first, and I mean the first thing. Go ahead. So it was when I lived with Danny Mac in Chester

and I had like a Saturday night off and you were doing the frog with Danny and we'd never met before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, and you're a master wind up. And I walked in with Danny and he was like, oh, this is me mate Adam, by the way, he's a comic, he lives with me.

He was like, hey man, you from Liverpool? He went, why do you love Liverpool so much? That was the first thing he said to me. And I went, I don't, but it's actually really good. You asked that to any scouts. They don't like, it's like being like, why do you breathe air? And it's just like, well, but.

She's supposed to breathe air. But John, you're not meant to roast people as they come back into their own house. Like to be fair to young Adam, he's like, what, I've just come home. If I know the situation and I don't, but I'm sure there was a reason like Danny He's like, what? I've just come home. If I know the situation and I don't, but I'm sure there was a reason, like

Danny Mac was like, ask him about Liverpool. There was something, there would have been a reason. That sounds right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. The fucking puppet master. It is the greatest city on the planet and there's not even a close second. It is not the greatest city on the planet. It's not.

Why is New York better? For a variety of reasons. Give me three reasons and I'll beat everyone with a reason of my own. No, we're not getting into this. Oh, for your cons? See? No. All right, here's a couple of big reasons.

One, if two planes flew into a building in Liverpool. It would bounce off. No, a bunch of cities would be like, it's fucking great actually. Manchester being one, London, every other city in the UK that has to- Yeah, because then they'd have a chance of being number one.

No, stop interrupting. That's very rude. Another Liverpool thing that people from Liverpool do is they interrupt people all of the time. By the way, everyone, if you do not like what I'm saying about Liverpool, you want to hit up my Twitter. It's at Dan Nightingale.

That's at Dan has a podcast on Twitter. Honestly, John, it doesn't matter. This is all getting cut out. So say whatever you fucking want. It is not. If it gets cut out, I will call Steve Bennett from Chortle and claim that I was censored on the,

have I got a Word for You podcast. And it'll be the first time he fucking mentions us. Have you guys not been mentioned at all? No. I mean, according to Adam's social media, you guys are the biggest podcast in the universe. Pound for pound. Yeah, Joe Rogan's calling you guys.

He wants tips on how to decorate his studio. No, no, he's bigger, but pound for pound. What is that? This is some Liverpool math right here, which is pound for pound. Yeah. What does that mean? Well, do you know what it means in boxing terms?

So like Canelo couldn't beat the heavyweight champion in boxing, but he's still a better boxer. It's just because he's smaller. If everyone was the same size, who would be the best? And this is pound for pound number one. We're number one. Fuck Joe Rogan. He's a nice fella, but fuck him.

Fuck that. By the way, that is something I will give Liverpool people they will be like that guy's a cunt he's a great guy I will give Liverpool people that I will give Scousers that you guys are very good at the like let me say this about Hitler he murdered a lot of people and I don't respect him shined his shoes

to be fair to Liverpool, you know you said about the planes flying into a building. Last week there was a horrific terrorist attack. And the driver survived? The whole city's just gone, you fucking knobheads. It's amazing to watch a city go. So many cities in the world be like,

we were attacked and the women's hospital was attacked and this is a terror attack. Liverpool's just gone, you soft cunts. I've got to say, there is something, I think it's because Britain had so many more terrorist attacks because of the IRA and everything that you, like the entire nation has now reached a like, like a terrorist attack in this country

kind of is presented like a train delay at this point. Like it's just, there's always just sort of like, and then some guy said, oh, for fuck's sake, and just stabbed the terrorist with a pen and then went to work. I do like those stories. Yeah, like in Glasgow, wasn't it like, wasn't it like an airport worker punched a man on fire?

And then it was just like, like during the London Bridge attack, one of the terrorists walked into a pub, a guy yelled, I'm Millwall and glassed him. That's the only time I've ever liked Millwall fans. I'm Millwall you cunt. You're deep safe now you fucking cunt. It was Indra Selba, naughty little cunt.

Yeah. But that's again, this is again the thing, the part of Liverpool that they should really is the fact that a guy walked by such a, saw a bunch of, what was it? Saw a bunch of wires in the back of the car and then locked the terrorist in the car or something. With him. With him. Yeah, the bomb went off and then locked the terrorist in the car or something? With him.

With him. Yeah, the bomb went off and then he just got out the car. He got out and walked off. Two stitches. That's all he needed. Why aren't you accentuating that part of the Scouser story and not just like, ah, but we've got the fucking,

a tiger tiger with four floors. We haven't got a tiger tiger because we reject chains. There it is right there. Exactly. Then it's that again, it's not impressive. That we support independence, John. Oh my God. The company doesn't want to invest into this.

No, they were refused. They tried to open one and we said, no, we want local stuff like where the spoons. This is again, such a scouser. They all act like there's this collective place. You will go under the cavern club and kind of like reach. Scousers don't go to the cavern club. That's a tourist tourist thing and we make money off it and we spend it all on bold you make no money off of the cat no one's cutting you a check from the cavern club adam rowe gets 50 pounds

scouser free from the taurus the owner of the cavern club is a patron of this actually. So technically we do. Yeah. Can we have a break? Because I need to exhale. That was any complaints about my opinions of, of Liverpool. You want to hit up? That is at Dan has a podcast. I hate that he knows what to handle.

Just before I thought you were doing at Dan Nightingale and some poor cunt in Canada is like, what? What's a whirl and why should I drown near it? Let's have a little intervallies. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We interrupt this week's broadcast of the Have a Word podcast to ask you for a favor. Could you do us a favor?

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Nice one. Go ahead. I don't remember which question it was. We just tried to replicate something that we were talking about in the break, but basically, John looked at Carl's top and was like, oh, I like the 7-Up sponsor.

And one of my favorite ever Formula 1 cars, just as I was getting into it, was in 92, 91, the Jordan team, which went on to be really successful, their first sponsor was 7-Up, and it was Michael Schumacher's first drive in Formula 1 back in the day. The guitar player from the band The Scorpions? Yeah, yeah, yeah. While he drove Formula 1?

Yeah, that was his first drive. And he went on to win a few world championships, Ferrari, and also drum for The Scorpions. And fact, that's a fact. Yeah, his guitar player for The Scorpions, get it right. Oh, sorry, sorry. I got it wrong. I was stupid.

You're a fucking idiot sometimes. I mean, we're in a real blackout. I got to tell you, I haven't felt a mistake like that since we were rocking like a hurricane see what I did there did you do the song titles from the I famously don't like that it's one of those crazy nights

stop it John do you like horse racing do you like car racing I don't like how you shoehorned that in was that a scorpion song by the way do you like horse racing? Do you like car racing? I don't like how you shoehorned that in, Carl. Was that a Scorpion song, by the way? It was. Do you like horse racing?

Do you like horse racing? I like car racing. Why are we married? This song is bad. The Scorpions really fell off. That was late stuff. That was late. Grunge hit them hard.

And then Dan was saying but uh you mentioned formula one and i mentioned that i'm not a sports guy but i like any type of car racing because and i know this isn't true but a i just like that somehow someone's a billionaire from just the thing that goes fast make it go faster number one fast goer and two it's just driving in a circle and i feel like any of us, like given a long weekend, could do it. I had trials for Mercedes when I was 17. No, you didn't.

Do you want to bang the bell? The old trials. Yeah, Mercedes came down and you were on the local football pitches. I bet he could fucking drive really well. Let me guess, you were stood waiting for the bus in your beloved Liverpool,

probably near that unnecessary Ferris wheel, and a car stopped very quickly near the white line or whatever, and you're like, I would have gotten even closer to the white line, and out stepped Bernie Eccleston himself and was like, you, my friend, look like a nice distraction so I could bet a Mediterranean gal. Get in the car and do some

trials. There's a go-kart in track and LJ report. Oh, fuck yourself. And I broke all my records. No, this isn't Last of the Star Fighter, you psychopath. What are you talking about? It's all true. It is not true, Carl. It is, John. No, you've been employed to be a sycophant.

I will not sit here while George W. Bush and his Karl Rove. No, it's true. John, it's true. And the guitar player from the Scorpions owned the go-kart track. And I believe Queen Elizabeth herself dropped the checkered flag. Is that right? No, no.

She does the canteen. You haven't lived until you've gotten a slush puppy pulled by Liz Windsor herself. Queen Elizabeth II. You should all have a laugh and take a piss. This is actually true. No, it's not. Genuinely.

Prove it. Say genuinely one more fucking time. Yeah, I had trials, but I broke my leg, so I couldn't go. Broke your leg. Fuck off. No, you didn't. Trials in Germany. No, I broke my leg on a water slide.. I broke my leg. Fuck off. No you didn't. In Germany, trials in Germany. Yeah, no I broke my leg on a water slide.

Oh, Taj Mahal. That's interesting. Where were the trials Adam? They were meant to be in Monaco. What John's doing is going, this is so fucking ridiculous. And I'm so like dead inside to this. I'm like, yeah, where were the trials Adam?

Where were the Mercedes trials? They were meant to be in Monaco. In Monaco, the Monte Carlo Grand Prix, that's where the trials were. The Scouse children. It wasn't during Carlo Grand Prix that's where the trials were for Scouse children it wasn't John the Grand Prix but it is that course

oh they just let you drive around Monte Carlo in a Mercedes oh do they really I have news for you I've never been to Monte Carlo I guarantee if you arrived at passport control

near Monte Carlo they would fucking turn you around like a Nazi trying to walk into a bar mitzvah this place is not for you, lad, is what they would say as you're shedding back.

It's what they like to be called, they say in the office. Oh my days. I don't have a provisional license at the age of 25, and you believe that you drove down Monte Carlo. No, but he did his lessons in Monte Carlo. You don't need a driver license to be a Formula One driver. Oh yeah. No.

Oh my God. You don't? You know you don't driver license to be a Formula One driver. Oh, yeah. No. Oh, my God. You don't? You know you don't need shoes to be a professional football player, do you? You know, if you get points on your license, they still let you race the next race.

You were done speeding. Where? At the Hungarian Grand Prix. Yeah, like on the wall of the Grand Prix track and the go-karting track tells me apart.

John, don't let the bullshit flow. Adam, look at me. I want you to know right now the go-karting tracking tells me apart. John, don't let the bullshit flow. Adam, look at me. I want to put my fist in your face. Not hard, but really hard. Just lean into it and just keep my fist on your face while you're still talking

about how you fucking sang Socrates at Jacob's Pillow or whatever other bullshit you had. It was between me and Lewis Hamilton and they ended up going for him because I broke my leg. No, they didn't. They didn't do that. That's not what happened. That's not what occurred.

Something else occurred. That needs to be on the soundboard now. Yeah, you were 17 and then you and Carl stole a grocery cart and ran in a circle. And then your friend who's named Formula One because he wasn't breastfed, he had formula as a kid or something stupid. Formula One? He was Chinese.

Yeah, he was. Yeah, I remember that kid. He was Scouse Chinese, though. Scouse Chinese, yeah, yeah, yeah. Unnecessarily dyed his hair blonde because he wanted to fit in. You know what I'm saying? Formula One.

See, this is the thing. I talk a lot of bullshit on this podcast so when i tell you true stories not always even on the podcast you're the lid that cried wolf yeah yeah what was the you because you like did part of a math degree and then you claimed something wild like i can do any equation in my head if i have enough time which is like well that's anyone can do that no he did five days of the you know four days of the introductory week i never went to a single lecture like i i am already there because you said i feel like i may have that this may have been accidental exaggeration in my head but you were like could have done a math degree but instead i only got on a math degree in a good university but he dropped out yeah yeah have you seen i was

i was single bill hunting yeah he's the ben burger on layaway yeah it was down to me and matt damon but i broke my leg adam was doing equations on the wall yeah someone came in and went lad will you just clean the floor yeah stop drawing cocks on the blackboard that makes no sense yeah you just put you just put you never walk alone, and then just clean the floor. The math thing is what throws people about me, because I know it clashes with everything I say and do, but I was actually, like, unbelievably gifted with mathematics. Yeah, I agree.

He is. Even Carl. Nine squared is 81. Pow. Yeah. E equals MC squared How do you like them apples Here's a controversial opinion

I never enjoyed the movie Good Will Hunting Right off you go I couldn't watch it after that I was rejected It was too real for you I've seen the clip of it where he's like it's not your fault But I don't really get the context It's about Will Young

What clip is that Robin Williams like, it's not your fault, but I don't really get the context. It's about Will Young. It's about Will Young. What clip's that? Is that the famous clip? Robin Williams is like, it's not your fault. And he's like, oh no. And he's like, yeah, it's not your fault. And he goes, oh no. Adam got from that, he's like, probably his fucking fault. The clip you're talking about is from Mrs. Doubtfire. You have no idea what you're talking about. No, that's from Gold Willow. I know it was a joke. It's a comedy

podcast, you psycho. No bullshit on this podcast, John. Okay, facts. Straight truth, straight facts. What films don't you like, John? What films don't I like? Like everyone else does. Is there a film that you detest that people like?

Schindler's List. I felt that, no. I thought that was going to get the laugh in the silence. Oh, it hurts. You just got an agreement there That man was disrespectful And he had a job to do and he didn't do it What movie do I not I don't know

I love Good Will Hunting I can't believe it got slammed I really enjoyed that film I also feel like it launched the career of Casey Affleck Who can't talk properly And it's done very well. He has done very well. I also like that Good Will Hunting is one of the last movies

where just a guy has goon friends. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, his mates. Yeah, his mates. They don't properly represent scumbag friends enough in movies, and as someone who has an absolute thicket of scumbag friends, I like it when it's like, I have,

if people come to my hometown and they are doing comedy and we're going to go out with my friends from my childhood, there is a warning that has to take place of like, Hey, we're not, I don't agree with most of the stuff they're going to say, but I have known them too long. And I will laugh at it. Those makes me like, listen, if I met them them now i wouldn't listen to the second sentence but i've known this

cunt since i was four they have friendship yeah yeah there's nothing i can they are it's some of the best grandfathered into your friendship absolutely one of the best bits about goodwill hunting ben affleck plays the fucking the construction worker and his two mates and casey affleck and how matt damon like hell holds them up and and it's that beautiful scene when he goes oh fuck i'm not gonna go get one of these stupid jobs i'm gonna stay with you and just lay brick ben affleck's like i'd be a fucking disgrace if you said you're genius mate i'm gonna be doing this shit till i'm 60 my biggest dream is that one day i come to pick you up for work and you're just gone. You're just gone one of these fucking jobs and you're out of here.

And then at the end of the film, when it happens, you're like, I love it. I love that because that's how your thick old best mates, they actually want that for you. They're fucking numb nuts. They're getting bar fights with you. But actually they're like, go and do that thing. I completely agree.

And then Tom Cruise takes him to the casino. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, oh, I'm an excellent driver. And then you come in and you're the Formula One. That's it. Yeah, yeah. Bernie Eccleston's there going, lad. Yeah, yeah and that's yeah yeah yeah and they're like oh i'm an excellent driver and then you come in and you're the formula one that's it yeah yeah bernie eccleston's there going lads yeah yeah that's it yeah yeah goodwill bullshitting yeah the one problem and let me guess you met bernie eccleston when you were 16 you and him anyway uh the one problem with i have with goodwill hunting is your scumbag mates will never say that to you when you need it it's like 10 years later they would have been like you know

i didn't think you should have stayed here laying brick i thought you should have gone for that job but yeah you lay brick though right that's like have you got some naughty mates from back in the day in canada oh fuck yeah like i have a friend my friend uh ali hassan tells the story of him meeting my scumbag friends which was i've never seen john nervous until we walked into the bar and a woman ran out like crying and screaming and i was like oh they're here and like they're just wild they're just fucking nutcases where are you from and kind of johnny i'm from auto i'm from the capital so i'm from a place where it has a industry that never goes away which is everyone's

parents work for the government's everyone just goes and gets a job with the government or like any business is secure because a huge amount of the money in that town is coming from something that will always exist which is government workers but it has a real small town vibe like they had to extend the city limits at some point in the 90s because they realized the population was something like 200 or 300 000 and they were like this is really embarrassing we are the capital of a country and so they extended the city limits like a hundred kilometers out so they could get to a million people in the city but it's just a small town like it's wild and it's got like three drinking districts what makes it so wild though if everyone works for the government that sounds

pretty like they have no responsibility there's no trying i do data entry for the privy council of the federal government of canada i make 70k a year that will go up slightly with cost of living increases no matter what i do i'm gonna get weird like the ashley matt remember ashleymadison.com and they had the hat ashley madison's where you could go yeah yeah cheese on your wife there was one city that half of the married people in the city were on that website everywhere else it was like 10 ottawa half the married people were on ashleymadison.com there's a shitload of sex clubs like it's just like really creepy and like weird like it sounds like a really good place for a stag do yeah don't it you know what take finn there for his next birthday it would absolutely be a fucking he He might kiss a girl in Ottawa.

Oh. No. It's hard work. Finger her. You could finger her from here. You certainly could. He's got enormous fingers. Yeah, you do have tremendous scooping arms.

Look at those. Oh, my God. Look at those fucking things. He's a goalkeeper. I mean, you go scratch your nose, and you end up triggering vomiting. That's how long your fingers are. But yeah, Ottawa's just a weird fucking place that no one lives. You don't seem like you've got that rough background, though.

It's not rough. It's like... Just crazy. It's scumbags. It's not a class thing. It's a mental mentality. You know what I'm saying? Which is like...

Let's say a buddy of mine was with a girl for almost 10 years. We hadn't seen him for 10 years because she didn't like us. And then I was home for Christmas. One of those. And I got told they broke up the last week. And I was like, they did? And then all I saw was him literally take a wild, drunken swing at one. Like literally they're like down the road.

I just see him take a wild, drunken swing at a bouncer, fall into the snow bank. The bouncer like shakes his head and walks away. And I was like, what is this? Then my other friend comes like running, sees him in the snowbank, sees me, waves, runs over and goes, yeah, he thought he was going to have a threesome with two girls,

but that's because he's really drunk and can't figure out what a waitress is. And so tried to fight those bouncers. And it was just like, that's the sort of stuff we're talking about you know what i mean kind of people that you think they're microdosing on mushrooms but no they're just doing mushrooms at work like you know there's yeah the kind here's the problem with england is all of you guys keep your scumbag behavior you all do it exclusively internationally like no english no one behaves worse than a stag

do in amsterdam that like a stag do in liverpool is like at a 10 in terms of scumbag stag do in liver in amsterdam it's at a hundred in terms of scumbag you know what i have to say i don't ever love seeing a stag do in a comedy club or on the streets. No, no, no, no, no. But if I'm abroad and I see a UK stag do, I'm like, not today. I'm not in the mood for it. This is the thing is, yeah, because in a comedy club in the UK, you go, okay, we have security. There's some rules. They probably live close enough to this community. At some point, shame will kick in.

You see a bunch of lads from Runcorn in Brussels. Watch the fuck out. They do not like that city, and they are here to destroy it because Barry is marrying Teresa. They're all going to- You make some phenomenal links. Runcorn to Brussels, Blythe to Mexico. These are so amazing.

I want to point out, you made the Mexico to Blythe connection. I just rode that pony all the way to the stable. But are so amazing. You made the Mexico to Blythe connection. I just rode that pony all the way to the stable. But don't act like if you guys were doing those weird gigs in Belgium where you stay in that guy's mom's house and you see all of his racist books and gollywogs on the shelves. If you're walking down the street and see just a bunch of

lads from Manchester coming to the gig on a stag do, you're ten times worried than if you saw a bunch of lads on a stag do walking into the frog and bucket yeah yeah i know you made yeah no right we've got to have a word that's linked to someone's shithouse mate so i feel like it's a good time to link from what we were talking about into i have a word so we're trying to fix problems okay people use it as just a way to slag off the mates a lot of the time uh this one's from lean he says now liam this was now then lids can you have a proper fucking word with our mate tom he is the flakiest cunt about

late for everything pulls out of nights out with a few days notice liability if you have ever to put a deposit down for something and his excuses are fucking unreal everything from grandparents dying which is sus because i can count at least six occasions he's floated this as a reason for his shyness, to his missus' menstrual cycle. How the fuck does that affect him? Buy some maxi pads, find your balls, and book a taxi. I know he listens to this, so please let him have it.

We love the cunt, but he's a big bullshitting letdown, and he needs to hear it. Nice one, Liam. All right. have it we love the cunt but he's a big bullshitting letdown and he needs to hear it nice one liam all right already this is clearly this is uh tom clearly sounds like someone who's got his shit together he's got a missus and a job and this guy sounds like he's the scumbag mate reacting to his friend being like hey why don't you come hang out we We just found a bunch of old cars in a park that we're going to set on fire. Why don't you come down and hang out? And he's just like,

no, my girlfriend's on her period. I don't want to do that. And they were like, yeah, this fucking pussy doesn't know how to live. You know what? I love it how you've literally read this the complete opposite way to how I read it. I was like, oh yeah, he does sound shit.

And you're like, listen, his grandparents died. You've just lost count. All four of them have died and you didn't care. You're like, you've used this excuse six times. Yeah. And he's probably saying that at the funeral, like fucking grandma Gertie's just there. And that like weird, like,

I don't know if you guys ever been to like an open casket funeral. No, we don't. We don't really have them over here, do we? Open casket? It's an Irish thing, isn't it? Oh, is it? Yeah, an Irish thing.

It depends on how maimed they are as well. Yeah. Right. Like if they were torn apart by like a bear, you can't have an open casket. Yeah, that doesn't happen in Liverpool a lot. How did Nana go? Grizzly.

Yeah, how many of your grandparents did you lose to a bear attack? I can't remember. Yeah, at least six. He was away doing trials for Mercedes. Yeah, exactly, right? I mean, Bernie Eccleston were doingladimir putin's dick at the time performance and anson drugs yeah um yeah and he's and he's like he's bitching about his mrs menstrual cycle the guy's

like i just love her and yeah having a hard time it's also i do like when people are like oh he was complaining about his like wife's menstrual cycle it's like well sometimes that can actually be pretty brutal especially if you're living with the person you're like actually yeah let me give you some time i'll help you out honestly i love my wife but the day i cancel a night out because she's having this public episode it is you're right you're right john yeah i want you all to know that dan has written something on a sheet that he's shown goes against that i tried to sort of start preempting this you know when you know it's coming, you're like, oh, I've seen the mood change there. It's definitely the thingy.

And I've been like, oh. What are you, a dad from a 90s sitcom? I see your mood change and then the thingy. What is this code? What is this? Blood. This is blood. You forced him into that corner.

He was always going to come out swinging. I got to tell you something, Dan. I genuinely wanted to know what I, You forced him into that corner. He was always going to come out swinging. I got to tell you something, Dan. I genuinely wanted to know what I... This is blood? Yeah. I thought you were trying to demonstrate a piece of paper that would be placed between you and the... No, no, no.

It's the blood coming out of the... Oh, my God. Out of where? Let's see if he knows. Pussy. The pussy? Oh, guys. The pussy said by Carl.

Cannot talk about the menstrual cycle with the word pussy. Yeah. Oh, she's having a nightmare. Yeah, she's on a period from a pussy. Yeah. All checks out. I have to say, though, the flakiness is annoying. So what you're saying is this Tom guy seems like he's like,

oh, my grandparents were ill. But it is annoying when you've organized something. And one cunt is always a nightmare to be like, could you just be there at that time? Could you pay the deposit because you're meant to be going on this thing with us? Now it's up to him to just fuck him off. He tells that thing of you fuck him off. Also, he cancels plans, like, days before.

That's when you cancel plans. Sometimes, like, it always drives me crazy when it's like, because people are like, you cancel plans sometimes like it always drives me crazy when it's like you can't because people like you cancel plans a lot and i go yeah three days before well within cancelable what's the what's the what's the line of acceptability on that one i i like to 24 hours oh that's that's too close to a stag do you can't cancel it it depends on how many people are going if it's just you and someone else i think that's a shit stag do. You can't cancel a stag do. Not a stag do. It depends on how many people are going. If it's just you and someone else, I think- That's a shit stag do.

Yeah, it's a shit stag do. But like two days before, you're well past it. But like if there's a big group event and you need to cancel it, like the day of, if you know everyone else is still going and the day's not gonna be ruined by you not going, fine. And also you're not taking your money out then, are you? You've paid for everything in theory.

Yeah. See, that's when people do that- This country just need to be not invited to stuff anymore i think and guess what i think tom would be fine with that i think he'd be like yeah i've been trying to get rid of these fucking animals for years tom's dying to be cut off yeah he just wants to be he just wants to stay home with his heavily menstrual missus. Yeah. He's happy. I think he's trying to settle down. I bet if he has never mentioned his girlfriend's period once, it's just this whack job.

It's just like, you know, I doesn't even want to come. He's always talking about his girlfriend's pussy bleeding. And his dead relatives. Yeah, and his relatives keep dying. He's probably not mentioning all of his – this guy Tom's grandparents all died in a murder-suicide on Christmas. This Liam guy does seem pretty – he's always canceling nights, his grand, this guy, Tom's grandparents all died in a murder suicide on Christmas. This Liam guy does seem pretty, he's like, oh, he's always canceling nights, you know, cause he's like in chemo.

Also, I don't want to be, I don't want to yet be too critical of your podcast, but also to go after a friend like this using the medium of a podcast is possibly the most passive aggressive thing. Nah, this is what we're not allowed to do, John. Why? You can't criticize the process cause the process is the fucking podcast. Well, I was... Dan, I was told...

You are one of many guests that come on and go, do you know what? Actually, I think this whole email is bullshit. Be like, don't think that. Send me a link, haveawaypod at gmail.com. Excuse me. I was told many times by Adam in a variety of emails that the only rule is there are no rules.

I messaged him once. Say it out loud. I don't care. When you wrote that, I went, I want to, oh, Adam wrote, the only rule is no rules? What has happened? I said the rule is there's no rules.

That's literally what we do. Because people turn up and they're like, whoa, was that an accent from someone who isn't white in my head? Oh, well, I'm not doing that on this podcast. Yeah, but you were doing that accent when the mics were not on and I felt that the bone you put in your nose was a little inappropriate.

Do you know- Patreon.com slash have a weird podcast. John Hastings' accent have no color in my mind because I can't picture it. They're not a place that exists. Oh, my God. Hello, Nate. Jody?

Yeah. Oh, my God god that guy sounded like he was from Fife this is from Anonymous alright lads just want to say I'm addicted to the pod and the patron

is the fucking best the last dance was unreal I watched a bit of it actually it is it's great I don't know why

I hadn't watched it until it was already out I fucking loved it check it out actually. It is great. I don't know why I hadn't watched it until it was already out. I fucking loved it. Check it out on Patreon. Anyway, think you might need to have a word with me or maybe this lady that I'm seeing. We're not official. She doesn't seem keen on a proper all-in relationship,

but we've been banging, and he's put in brackets like good banging as well, for two months. She's an absolute stunner, very confident very sexy may even be seeing other guys fuck knows

not arsed but she's mentioned us going as a couple to a sex party and fetish night and if I'm honest it sounds kinky as fuck and a bit much for my liking

am I being a pussy or should she go and get spanked by strangers and leave me out of it i'm sure you'll give me the best most caring advice uh that's from anonymous well go if you want to go and don't she's not your girlfriend so you can't be like i don't like you going to sex parties because she's made it clear she doesn't want a relationship i don't i don't think she wants to go and get bummed at a party and that's it that's it he's not showing any

jealousy he's like she should go and get spanked by strangers that And that's it. That's it. He's not showing any jealousy. He's like, she should go and get spanked by strangers. That's fine. I don't think he's, I think he's sort of like, I don't know if I want to. It's one of those, well, here's the question

for everyone in the room. Who, because there's a real leap from, I would like to go to a sex party and then someone going, we can make this happen. You're invited. So let's go around the room.

Who here has been invited to a sex party? Nope mean with that goatee i'm surprised uh dan have you been invited yeah yeah yeah did you attend no because no why because the i was seeing a girl girl not exclusively and i didn't even like her that much and she was like i think we should go to sex parties and in my head i was like i think we should stop having sex so i just was like this it felt like a continuation of something that i wasn't that bothered about if she'd have been stunning and i'd have been into it and i'd have been in there like, oh, I just want to do anything to keep you around, then maybe I'd have been like, fuck, I just need to, I wanted to be attached. But it was so easy for me to be like, nah, I'm not really into that.

Have you been invited? I have. Have you been to one? I have not. I have the best reason for not going, by the way, is very stupid. John hasn't got a dick. He fell off when he was eight. That's not the only reason.

They welcome people of all prescription. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see a G.I. Joe fell off when he was eight. That's not the only reason. They welcome people of all prescriptions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait to see a Jio Joe. Oh, here he is. Hi, John. I have not been invited. I have invited people, but no one showed up. Oh, God.

Adam hosted a sex party. Nobody showed up. Brutal. So why? I got invited by a girl and I had a, I was fucking broke at the time and I had a gig

at the downstairs at the King's Head and they're like, it starts at eight. You have to get there right at eight. And I was like, I got a gig. It's a Friday night.

I'll be there around nine o'clock. And she was just like, no, you have to be there on time because it all starts like on a rhythm. Yeah, they do captains. Yeah. nine o'clock and she was just like no you have to be there on time because it all starts like on a rhythm yeah they do captains yeah but like you still have a sign it did do yeah that's got flu chicken do numbers as well same line i'll get the number five seven and nine for me now right it's like squid game with your dick out yeah right cool and if you show up late like

people have already like paired off and started having sex. And so you're, and I was like, right there, I went like, oh, this isn't like the fun, passionate wackiness I was expecting. This sounds a lot more fucking regimented and unfun. Yeah. I, no, thank you. Yeah. Linda, you're with Jeff and Jeff and Keith get in the corner.

Yeah. That doesn't sound fun. You want eyes wide shut sort of. Yeah. And the bit that I've never been, yeah. Linda, Jeff and Keith. Those the corner. Yeah, that doesn't sound fun. You want eyes wide shut, sort of. Yeah, and the bit that I've never been... Linda, Jeff, and Keith. Those are definite sex party names. I got news for you. Based on the person that invited me, it's not like...

Who invited you? It was a girl I was seeing who was like a ludicrously... Like a posh southern English woman to the power of a billion. Oh, she sounds great she's a very nice person oh john please take me to the sex party there's a funny thing that happened that i will tell you off podcast no john yeah tell us it's on podcast not gonna happen do you think it was ludicrous it's definite yeah yeah how you ain't gonna fuck bitch i'm me i'm the goddamn reason you were vip she was a ludicrous tribute

watch out for my medallions my dad was a reckless get out of the way get out of the way i i love the idea that a posh southern tory benefactor daughter fancied you i was like oh my god i've got a bit of rough oh yeah from the colonies i mean posh ladies do very much because i am way less of a commitment than the other types of people that would really make their fathers angry so like i'm like i'm the starter kit of that you know what i mean like he's foreign but it's canada so he's not full ludicrous foreign exactly right it's not like he's from liverpool or whatever like you understand atlanta exactly oh atlanta oh my god imagine um right wow and so she can you go when you're i suppose you can if you're a girl. You can go. But you would have gone.

I would have, but I guarantee I would have, I would have hung out in the kitchen for a little while, like I do at all house parties, and then left way early going, I fucking don't like those people. That's what it would have been. It's interesting as well, like you can't, you can't double opening the king's head

and then closing a sex party. I know, that's the, yeah, it's what, I didn't realize it was like the fucking store. The timings just don't work out. I've just rushed over and offered a double. Yeah, because you don't want to walk in when they're all doing anal. Exactly, or anything, you know what I mean?

I don't know. I do go like, I wonder what it would have been like. But it would have been kind of, I have a feeling, having never engaged in group sex situations, that it's one of those things where it's like, this have a feeling, having never engaged in group sex situations, that it's one of those things where it's like, this is a really good story to tell, but in the moment,

this is just a lot of effort and concentration. See, it's weird to me. I don't know what it's actually like, but in my head, a sex party, like, I don't know whether it's in, they're all in separate rooms, but in my head, do you know like,

when the bully in a high school film goes to like a frat party to find the cheerleader and there's just people everywhere in my other sex party is that but they're just bumming all over the house yeah why do you think that they're only exclusively doing butt stuff i've got to point this out if you're going to a sex party and you're just wasting time with normal sex i mean you might as well just be in. I mean, but you have to understand the act of going to the sex party has elevated. So doing missionary at a sex party,

that's pretty fucking crazy. You know what I'm saying? You just think there's bodies everywhere. It's just like- And they're only doing anal sex because they really need to up, yeah, just cough more in the good vibe room. There'll probably be some face fucking as well,

but like- Enjoy. No, yeah. Like- Did you say face fucking? Yeah. I just imagine it's like pretty wild. No, yeah, like... Did you say face fucking? Yeah. I just imagine it's like pretty wild. Like a tin of maggots when you go fishing,

just everyone like writhing and wriggling. Yeah, just think like it's everywhere. Why did you go with that metaphor? Hang on. You don't know whether there's a cock in your ass or an elbow. You just don't know. Welcome to have a word where occasionally our metaphors are unnecessarily horrific. Oh, just the maggot.

Can I just remind you of blood? The maggot tip? From a pussy. He started it. Yeah, both of you. My maggot analogy was visually on point. I mean, it was, but also. I just think when people do the group sex thing,

you know, as a veteran of the game, I've had one experience, and it's just because we all got drunk and it was the end of the night you know and then all of a sudden it's happened it's not like uh i'll get there about half seven and we'll have uh like we'll start for quarter to eight this is the problem this is that's when it's all a bit this is the problem with like our general how old are you adam 29 you know you're 29 i need to see some ideas oh you're going up hold on i think he's old did you think he was older i would have put you at around 33 34 yeah 29 30 in january i don't believe

you i'd show me your driver's license right now how old do you think he is how old do i think he is how do you think finn is absolutely no idea he's a child finn how old do I think he is, Finn? Absolutely no idea. He's a child. Finn, how old are you? 23. What is going on here? His fingers are 20. 92. What in the name of God? You're 29 years old, Adam?

What's wrong with that? You seem more mature than that. Fuck off. A lot. Yeah, when I was 17, I used to have a Mercedes. You seem more mature than that. Fuck off. What? You know when I was 17, I used to have a Mercedes. You were a distinguished gentleman. I can't believe you just got ID'd

on your own podcast. And I don't know if you noticed, he took that ID. John Hastings. Have you heard Adam Rose been signed up for Al-Qaeda? John Hastings does not fuck around. That's all it takes, is it?

Someone robs your driver's license and then you just get it picked up in a van one day. Get on the Al Qaeda website. Come on, lads. What's your driving license number, please, lads? The circuit isn't what it used to be.

I've started identity thieving. I stole Al Berry's identity and now I'm just, you know, I don't know why he went with him. It's just such a niche inside. A lot of people steal comedians' jokes rather than their driving licenses. I go a different way. You can have the jokes. I'm just, you know, I don't know why he went with him. It's just such a niche inside. A lot of people still, comedians jokes rather than their driving licenses. I go a different way.

You can have the jokes. I'm going for their, I'm going for their bank. John Hastings turns up at a gig, Adam Rose gig, like, hi, I'm Adam Rose. You're definitely not. I am?

That's my... You know that scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt holds a gun into that guy's face so that he'll follow his dream? I'm kind of doing that with Adam. After the gig, I'm going to hold a gun to his head and just be like fucking stop wearing leather jackets on stage you

come across like a arms dealer from a spy movie and keeping your eye john if you think adam's 33 how old do you think dan is i think dan is my age i think how old are you i'm 36 i think dan is 36 i'm 40 congratulations dan you've done a great job. Well, this worked out really well for me. Didn't it? Yeah. Pretty well for me. You look really fresh.

Fuck off, Adam. I'm taking this. I'm burning it. Are you really 40? Here's what I'm going to say it is right there. Is it's purely face construction in that your face looks more open. So I just assume you're my age. Well, Adam, you got too many angles and stuff like that like that also one eyebrow is much bushier than the other one and that's something that someone

in their 30s does that's not a 20 oh it's usually me that does the eyebrows that's a salmon shop though and it's so she needs to get on there oh wait a minute what someone did that intentionally no it's just my eyebrows are like uh fire hazards and they just grow at their own leisure and uh my girlfriend occasionally just pins me to a bed and plucks them for me. That sounds pretty hot. I've seen that at a sex party. Yeah.

Here's my question. Do you occasionally just get one crazy long eyebrow? Like just one. One hair. Just like one. Yeah, I've started that. I've started that. The mad professor one where you're like,

oh, that's not good. Yeah, just aging. Adam, you'll learn as you evidently are not even 30 yet how is that fucking possible it's insane i wonder what vehicles are you qualified to interesting just one car from before um i can legally drive i can't do 18 ton but i can do all cars all vans buses and helicopters that's what she said mate i don't know what that means um i don't think you can't do 18 ton here did anyone else miss helicopters yeah i can't do 18 so i can't do helicopters yeah i mean only if the

mercedes yeah i can do helicopters as long as i'm accompanied by a qualified helicopter driver. And I don't drive it. That's true. That's true anyway. You can be in a helicopter. Yeah. So what you're saying is if you pay the fee to be on the helicopter, you're allowed to be on the helicopter. Yeah, I've got me helicopters, passenger license. So what you're saying is-

You know those little kid controls that they do? Sort of glue stick it onto the window. And Adam's like, Captain Adam. Yeah. So what you're saying is when you watch an episode of Succession and they get up in the helicopters, in your head you're like, I could be Shiv.

I don't know what Succession is, but in Paw Patrol. You don't know. Why do you know Paw Patrol? He's a pedophile. Can we give this guy closure on the sex pies? Do you not think he should just go with her carl you'd go yeah why not what if no one's ever gone to a sex party and being disappointed yeah that is not true at all so yeah i mean you could go and just do you understand how many

married people have gone to a sex party both of them thinking this is going to help their relationship and one of them being like i like this and the other one is like i don't like this but the person i came here definitely well at very least he'll get to have like a wank in a cupboard and he'll come and he'll end the night having come that's always a bad night what a bad end to the night what a terrible how was the sex party i had a wank in the cupboard by myself and my wife car, Carol, got gangbanged in the pantry. Yeah, well, my friends with benefits got fucking rimmed on the steps. Yeah, but like, any comes a come, innit? No, not any comes a come.

I've jizzed in a botanical garden and I've jizzed in a hotel room and those were two vastly different experiences. Which one was better? The hotel room. The botanical garden was very cold and it was done to, truth or dare. Were you watering plants? Sorry.

Whoa. Watering plants. Feed me. What? Why did you have a wanking in a botanical garden? I'll tell you very quickly. We were 14 years old and one of our friends ate a bad pizza and they were in a uh in the uh

in a park and he farted so badly someone else thought he had taken a shit and so they thought oh is what we're doing now just taking shits these are by the way the same scumbag friends are we just taking shits outside now so a friend then to one up him took a shit outside was like that was a fart that's creating a chain reaction of who can do a grosser, weirder bodily function thing outside. People are trying to piss on people. One guy tried to throw up on someone else's shit. And then in the middle of a very cold Canadian winter,

when it was minus 45, I said to end things, I'll go jack off in a botanical garden to win this. And so at minus 45 degrees at like 13 years old, jizzed on that fucking wall. And that's how you end up a headliner. Yeah, right there.

That's right. You bring headliner mentality. You guys want to be able to close fucking the bear cat on a Saturday for, it was supposed to be one 50, but we'll give you 125 cash because that's the same. You have to have jacked off in a botanical garden.

Right. Let's just wrap this up. Where can we see you, you know, figuratively wanking a botanical garden by headlining comedy clubs, John? You can go to my Instagram at the John Hastings.

You can check out either of my podcasts, The Wrestler Review, which is all about wrestling at the wrestler review or uh untitled twitch stream which is a twitch stream and podcast i do five days a week at untitled twitch on twitter untitled www.twitch.tv backslash untitled twitch stream uh subscribe to all of that sort of stuff we have a Patreon that's not as successful as have a word. Boys. Until now. Lots of people's.

Tim Dillon's is more successful. Yeah, but pound for pound. Oh, yeah. That's okay. That's okay. Oh, my God. It's. Don't know me.

Oh, my God. I'm from blind. Yeah. My name is Canelo Alvarez. I am from Northumbria. It's okay. Pound for pound, baby. Yes.

How are you, lads? What I like is that... Oh, no. We got a successful Patriot. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's my wife's vagina right here. Oh, my God.

Oh, what are you going to do? It's one of the biggest in the UK on the planet. Pound for pound. It's my wife's vagina. Oh my God. Oh, what are you going to do? It's one of the biggest in the UK on the planet. Pound for pound. That's okay. Come see me. I want to know who taught you guys the phrase pound for pound. They need to be pound. I watched boxing four or five times.

It's pound for pound. We've got a Christmas single coming out soon. Extra episodes, patreon.com. Including early access to these public ones there's loads of specials on there as well and you can get merch including Christmas jumpers at haveawaypod.com can I plug one more thing

I have a bunch of albums on wherever you stream anything go get them just look under John Hastings check out my podcast thank you he is a very good comedian from Canadian TV that I love. Oh, I have a bunch of them. Yeah, there's my comedy now.

Yeah, that's the one. I painted in eyebrows in that one. That's fun. And then I have my 2019 Edinburgh show is also on YouTube for free. So go watch that or listen to all my stuff. An unbelievable comic. No one has ever done a bigger sell of themselves. Everyone's like,

uh, I've got Twitter, I think. It's because I live in, once you live in America, they, because the thing that English people pretend

they're like, I don't know. And it's like, no, we're all good at this. We all have done it for a living for, you know,

Dan, 27 years, Adam, pound for pound. You know, I wank in your garden. Yeah, please.

Anytime. Yeah.