Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #149 with Paul McCaffrey - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Pre-order our Xmas single here: LAURASGONE.COMUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids and lidettes, it's Adam here and Dan. Before we start this week's episode, we've got to tell you that we are going for Christmas number one with our original song written and sung lead vocal by our very own Finlay Cullavuz. It's called Lord Has Gone. It's going to be Christmas number one. You can pre-order it right now on iTunes and on Amazon Music. And on top of that, we've got a little documentary coming out on Friday, the 10th of December, showing you the entire record day at the Moser Museum Studios in Liverpool. That's exclusively going on Patreon. Now then, lads, you're listening to the legendary Have A Word.

If you enjoy this podcast, you will love being a Patreon. You get an extra 90-minute episode every single Wednesday. Pure, unadulterated unfiltered have a word bullshit with me Adam Carl and to a lesser extent the

fin turn it's behind a paywall it gets a little bit loose it gets a little bit squirrely it's some of our favorite podcasting because Adam says all sorts of shit that

can't go on the proper internet once you sign up you get the full back catalog of all the patron exclusive we've done every week since May 2019. You also get to watch the now legendary Lockdown Lock-In, where we got absolutely shit-faced and recorded it.

Oh my god, it got messy. And any more Lockdown Lock-Ins will only be on Patreon. Once you subscribe, you also get early access to the public episodes. The public get it on Monday, you'll get it on Saturday morning. And there's discounts on merch, discounts on live tickets. It's an amazing deal. We're dead proud of it. This Patreon has got us through one of the worst years of our career, but we also think it's a fucking

dealio. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. You will not regret it. Now let's crack on. If you're good at something, never do it for free. Now I'm getting the word nuts. Hey, I'm not doing it for Dan. I'm not doing it for free now i'm getting the word nuts i'm not doing it for done i'm not doing it for carl i'm doing it for finn

every day who the fuck is that guy upset me nasty bitch oh jesus don't chat to me i can see fumes coming off your pum-pum look like petrol station. Shut up! Disgusting! Coming to you from the soon-to-be world-famous Havawad Studios. Hidden away in the scenic hills of sunny Rancon, England. These are the funniest leads in the podcast game. Adam Rowe, Dan Nightingale and Sensei Carl. With full HD video episodes on YouTube. It has to be.

Have a word. I never thought I'd say this with genuine malicious intent, but Elton John can suck a fart out of my arse. He's well known he can. Elton John Ed Sheeran and Adele can all

lick my gooch at the same time a hell of a top of the pops that'll be imagine like a curtain come up and you're all just licking your gooch

sounds a bit more like Jules Holland doesn't it yeah and now from Havre Word, it's these cunts. We could sing New Year's. Who's that? I've never tried to do a Jules Holland impression. It wasn't bad.

I've never pretended. Doesn't he just do it sort of like... And now, from over in this corner, having a cup of tea. Do you know what he does? Do you know what he does? Near Dizzy Rascal. He's the Cortina's. Like scat musicians, scat Jordan songs.

Like my thing. He scat talks all the time. I want to have coffee. Sounds like he's had a stroke, doesn't he? When Adam does him. Is that Jules Holland just before he has that heart attack? We're going to be Christmas number one. We're going to be Christmas number one. We're going to be Christmas number one. I've started to believe.

Only last week I was like, maybe top 25. I'll be happy with top 10 and genuinely. I won't be happy unless, if we're number two, I'm genuinely going to be devastated now. Really? Oh yeah. Quit the pod. Well, the bookies have us

currently, like we're third favourite pod. Well the bookies have us currently like we're third favourites with like six different bookies. So the bookmakers the job the people whose job it is to predict

where we will finish have got us third. I've got us third. Second isn't much of an improvement on that. First is the target. There's only a couple

of bits of competition and fucking Elton's one of them. Yeah. Yeah but we go into like he hasn't been you go into like the annals of history don't we the anals of what like the darkness they've got one i'm like we are one of them well we will be one of them yeah because the annals of history are filled with who finished number three and the UK. I know what you mean. We are there.

Christmas songs aren't number ones, are they? No. God, you're right, Carl. Bigger picture. You're right, yeah. No, you're right. We're going to be a pointless answer on Pointless. In ten years' time.

Yeah, can't wait. We're fucking ridiculous. I've started to believe that we're top three. Anything other than top three from this second onwards would be a massive disappointment. See, I just don't see it like that. I just think... Ed Sheeran and Elton John.

A pair of cunts and I'll fight the pair of them and all of the families. You know how we're going to get Christmas number one? It's by them under-estimating us. Yeah? Yeah, that's how you get them. I keep telling Laura that she's third in the betting and she does not enjoy it.

I'm like, babe, you're doing really well. Babe, you're going to be Christmas number one. How does she feel about it? She feels weird because it's a silly, silly song about her leaving for a... Or Chessington World of Adventures. Or Chessington World of Adventures. Baby pic.

Which is the less contentious verse. And yeah, sent it to my family so you basically in that moment in those whatsapp messages realize who's got a sense of humor and who is a dry relative nearly said cunt because some people like she's not as she yeah well left me my dad my dad did that i went around to my dad to pick me a little brother up to watch the match yesterday and he was like hey what's all this on the fucking you haven't told me anything never tell me anything anymore you it's like i've seen onions nest that paddy power i've got you down as third favorite i showed me mom and she was like right and he was annoyed

about that and then the fact that Laura had left me no I went I went yeah I thought I told you you never tell me when you're going to

get Christmas number one anymore lad sit down we're having a little father son fucking chat here right there's some things I need from this relationship

one when you're getting Christmas number fucking one speak to your old man I went yeah yeah I went, yeah, yeah. I told you we were recording the song. He was like, yeah, I didn't know you were releasing it at Christmas.

And I was like, oh, well, of course we are. And then I realized how ridiculous of course we are was as soon as I said it out loud. I was like, yeah. And he went, so let me get this straight. He went, the bookies, the actual bookies, think you've got a better chance than Adele. And I went, yeah.

And he went, right. What's the song called? Is it just called Have a Weird Pod? Because that's what it says, isn't it? And I went, no, that's the name of the record company and the band. And he went, you're not the lead singer, are you? And I went, no. You be gone.

Adam, drop your mic a little bit so we can see your face. What? Drop your mic so we can see your beautiful face your hair so so supportive I said I'm not deleting

and he went thank Christ for that he went so you're singing I went Finn I've told you some music he went

oh yeah I forgot about that and I went yeah he went so what's the song called I went it's called Lord is Gone

it's about Dan's wife leaving him and he went fucking hell don't tell me anything I went what do you mean he went

so Dan's wife's left him and you went fucking hell don't tell me anything what do you mean he went so dan's wife's left him and he's just singing about it yeah nick yeah that's how he's dealing with it he's cut up but music has been real therapy for him to be fair to your dad he got upset when i sold my volvo he was like bloody hell dan i love that car you didn't tell me you were getting rid of that. I was like, I didn't, Mick. I only saw you for two weeks when we renovated the studio. I don't really know you.

Yeah, me dad. As much as I love him. Adam, will you tell your dad? I sold... I sold the Volvo. Sit down, Dad. Oh, bloody hell. I tell you what, this would be easier coming through song.

I sold the car. Bought a BMW. That sold the car. Bought a BMW. That sold the Volvo. My dad is a bit mental. He just wants stuff, my dad. He hoards stuff. And the other day I went, I think I might get a new car in January. A little 30th birthday present to myself.

I want to upgrade my car. I'd love like a... It's time, isn't it? Yeah. And he went, say, what are you doing with this? We're in my car at the time. What are you doing with this? And I went, well, I'm actually maybe going to keep it for a bit and use it as my tour car.

So I'll run my new car into the ground on the tour. And he went, nice. And then what are you doing with this and I went well I'm actually maybe going to keep it for a bit and use it as my tour car so I don't run my new car into the ground on the tour and he went nice and then what are you going to do with it

well I'll probably sell it and he went I'll have this he can't even drive can he he can drive he's got a licence

he went I'll have this and I went no you won't and he went why it's all I have today and I went

but you haven't got the 14 grand yeah yeah he was like yeah yeah I'll just pay you weekly I'm haven't got the 14 grand. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, yeah, I'll just pay you weekly. We're going to put this kit of sportage on layaway. That's so your dad. It is, isn't it?

Yeah. Dad, I love you, but I'm not Bright House, so fuck off. There's a bit of quid in the back of the car every time you wanted to go. Hey, lad, listen, I'm a bit upset with you. You got another Christmas number one. Also, I've paid fucking 38 grand for this gear sportage. Over 19 years. Fuck off.

Can we not tell people, like, join the media and never to be asked what the song's about? Can we just say it's about Dan's wife leaving, but not say it's a joke? She's so... My wife is so confused. We've just buried a dad and now she's going to have

a Christmas number one. She's actually, it's been, this year's been a lot for Laura and I've helped a bit. We tried doing, we buried a dad on Tuesday and on Thursday,

I was like, on Wednesday, I was like on Wednesday I was like babe you're third in you're third in the bed bloody power baby you're on sky bed now so hey Rob Ross

hashtag gone too soon was that Tuesday yeah I was gonna ask we buried him on Tuesday yeah it's not funny it's not funny Hashtag gone too soon. Was that Tuesday? Yeah, I was going to ask. We buried him on Tuesday. Yeah. It's not funny. It's not funny.

The lesser known Craig Davidson. Had a stroke on Monday. Buried him on Tuesday. Christmas number one on Thursday. Thursday and Friday. We parted on. Anyway. Wow. So I had to go. Try them tears. We put it on, anyway. Wow. So.

So I had to go. Try them tears. From SkyBuzz as well now. He's smashing it. You can't see cause you're crying. Eight to one. It's ridiculous. Like here's what I was thinking yesterday. What are we gonna do next year?

Well I said to stay in the car. What? I said to stay in the car. What? I said to stay in the car. We've conquered YouTube. We've conquered Spotify when we win that award. We've conquered music. Now we need to do film. The Cannes Film Festival.

We need to be there. When's this going out? I actually agree with you. When's this going out? The film. No, with this episode. Yeah, of course we're going to do that. A year ago, I was like, he's consummental now I'm like yeah yeah yeah

let's get a helicopter you can fly it a Patreon episode we'll call it I Daniel Nightingale and we'll make it a biopic about you I want Jamie Hutchinson to have a major part in it makes sense I'll pay my own dad

hey lads this is going out on Monday the Makes sense. I'll pay my own dad. Hey, lads. How do I help you about this? This is going out on Monday. Where are we? Is this a public episode? Is this Paul McCaffrey? Yeah. This is Paul McCaffrey.

Very excited about Paul McCaffrey being here. He's one of my favourite comics. He's going to be good. And I say that more than I mean it genuinely today. Yeah. This is going out on Monday. So the pubes, listen, the patrons have already had it. The 7,000, nearly 8,000 patron lid army have already had this on the early release. This is going out on Monday the what?

Monday the 5th? 6th. Monday the 6th. On Friday the 10th, we are releasing the documentary of the day we had at the Motor Museum music recording studio where we recorded Laura's Gone, which has now been mastered and is going to be available to buy on all the music. Like, what is it?

iTunes, Amazon Music. All good bookstores. All good bookstores. You can get it down Mr. Singh's, your local news agent. There's a Chinese fellow selling fake copies in my pub. CD, DVD. I'd love that. Yeah?

Yeah. So. I don't think they count towards the chart, though. I don't think they ring him. They're like, Mr. Lee. That was a safe one, wasn't it? Mr. Lee. Have you got Laura's Gone?

No, I can't sing it. Do you think any kid's gone? Mom, can I have Laura's Gone for Christmas? No. No. Can there be, please? No. Can someone sort that?

So if you want to watch the day of recording this song, it's out as a special. The documentary of us pretending to be rock stars is out on Friday the 10th at 6 p.m. We're going classic 6 p.m.? Yes. Yeah. Classic Friday 6 p.m. release.

And honestly, Will Will who's become like a big part of it this now he's the guy that's doing all these Patreon specials if ever you're like fucking hell this looks good

Will probably made it and you need to watch it if you're not if you're not a Patreon now come on treat yourself for Christmas

but treat yourself just to see the happiest little Welsh Turkish musicianurkish musician. And Finn's there as well. Yeah, we got him in. He was like... I tried to add a little Welsh-Turkish.

It's impossible. But Finn... What did the little Welsh-Turkish boy say? Oh, right. Hal-hal-right. I'm trying to go through and Welsh. Hal-hal-neth-ly trying to go through and Welsh. Hal-ha-hal-net-ly. Like Finn's in the room.

Death to the west of Wales. Death to the west of Wales? Is there anything in the west of Wales? I just combined. A little bit of... Anyway. Banga. Aberystwyth.

Well, Finn, just talk us through it again, because I've never seen you happier. banger Aberystwyth er well Finn just talk just talk us through it again because I've never seen you happier yeah it was like we'd done a make a win

it was like you'd found a lump can I ask you a question Finn and we were trying to make you happy for the day do you know like when you see like interviews with pop stars

like 40 years later yeah and they're like yeah when I wrote Don't Look Back In Anger I knew as it was coming out of my pen

it was going to be a hit yeah i just knew you just know when you're writing a hit yeah when you're writing laura's gone did you know you were writing this year's christmas number one i did not i did it as a joke i was like i had like writer's block from writing like my own tunes and i was just strumming the chords and i said i was like what fits there and i did laura's gone as a temporary thing and then i showed carl it and he was like yeah yeah yeah do that so recorded a little demo i wasn't we put it on patreon didn't we yeah it went mental yeah i did a demo in about 20 minutes um put it on patreon and christmas number one it was when no but it was when we did it at the

thank you show it was when we did it at the thank you show. Yeah, Christmas number one. It was when we did it at the thank you show, which is also available on Patreon. Santa fuck up. Watching how much everyone knew the song. Yeah, it was mad. When a thousand people are singing your joke song

about your wife leaving you, you're like, oh, this is fun, isn't it? And quite good. Even Laura's like, yeah,

it's catchy as fuck. She's been singing it. Yeah, it's catchy as fuck yeah she's been singing yeah it's it's an it's annoying how the catchy it is i put it on in the car for my little brother last night because he was like put the song on i was dropping him off after the match he's like put the song on i don't want to hear it it's like a joke one though isn't it and i went yeah sort of it is a decent song no but on by the verse three he's fucking in my car going lord he's fucking my little brother in the car yeah he's like this is a fucking little guitar three, he's fucking in my car going, Lord. He's fucking, my little brother in the car. He's like, this is a fucking little guitar riff bit.

It's fucking great. Do you know the only person who doesn't like it is my four-year-old daughter. Who's like, I don't want Lauren to go. Babe, babe, mummy's not going anywhere. What's his jack finger about to say? He's like, fucking, he's a big fan of like, just take it down. He hates, you know, the system. My eight-month-old son just turned eight months.

Fucking hates Elton John. Hates X Factor. Hates it. He's just really sort of, like, he's kind of a cool kid. I'm a Rage Against the Machine kid. He's a fucking ball bag. God bless him. I love him.

He needs to start sleeping. All babies kind of look like one big ball bag anyway, don't they? He just looks just like... He's like... He's got a weird laugh on him, I love him. He needs to start sleeping. All babies kind of look like one big ball bag anyway, don't they? He just looks just like... He's like... He's got a weird laugh on him, like... He's like got a dirty old man laugh. When you change his nappy, you have to, like, give him a wet wipe.

If you wet wipe around his balls, he goes... And you're like, stop doing that, you perv. It's just weird. He's got a weird, like... Like fat old man energy. Just thought we should say say while we're here that the music video is out right now

yeah it's out yeah it's out it's out it's been out since Thursday Thursday it's been out since Thursday which is late today

and there's also going to be this one last thing there's also going to be a dance remix because my mate DJ Felix is doing a dance remix.

If we go on our Christmas night out in Liverpool and we're in a club and they go, and coming up next, and they play the dance remix of Lord has Gone in a club without us asking. My kegs are coming off. I'll have no pants on. So Felix Leiter, who I do show me the sample with on the old YouTube, and we haven't done it for ages because stuff has been going on. Fathers have been dying. Shit's been happening.

Like babies have been not sleeping, but we're going to get back into it. And he was like, what kind of dance do you want? Do you want like scouse bounce? I was like, what? He was like, yeah, I can do what? You know, I was like, well, you know, do what you want. Swedish house mafia style, I think. But the stupider it is, like if it's like,

bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, Laura, Laura's gone, gone, gone. That would be amazing. Then I might start doing drugs again. It's a stupid world we live in. Yeah. The other day, Seneca said that to me. I asked her about today. Seneca made me cry laughing last night

Oh fuck me, I was watching the Everett match We were getting beat, it was 3-1 at the time What did they finish? Finish 4-1 But it didn't matter Because all this was kicking off I couldn't give a fuck Do you know what I just want to say by the way

I know we don't do 40 bands on this at all And I'm not going to do that Because genuinely yesterday I enjoyed that derby win less than others. Because it was just like, it felt obvious. Sad. Like Everton are not as good as us, and they're depleted, and they've put out their full-strength team

out on a very, very good, and it was just like, yeah, of course we won. But right at the end, it was on Amazon Prime, and the commentator, did you listen, did you watch it all the way to the end? I didn't watch the match. You didn't? No.

I had a bad night last night, so I didn't want to add that to it so i uh i was watching it and the commentator went uh so liverpool fans all over the city will be overjoyed tonight and everton fans they might want to throw themselves in the maze and i couldn't like i was like fucking it's a commentator Encouraging male suicide I don't think any Actual Everton fan was like Oh fuck I think it was like

Yeah yeah It was just We got beat by This is footy And we don't do it But we got beat by City Two weeks ago 3-0 And nobody batted an eyelid

It's just the same thing You know We just got beat by One of the best clubs in the country That's it It's alright It's alright Well

The main thing is You didn't go for a swim I didn't I couldn't believe he said it But yeah Yeah it's a. That's it. It's all right. It's all right. Well, the main thing is you didn't go for a swim. I didn't. I couldn't believe he said it. Well, yes, sir. Yeah, it's a bit. It's a bit in the pub. Like, going to your mate,

you can fucking throw yourself in the maze. It's like 4-1 to the fucking old rivals. Yeah, but it's the kind of thing that fucking 20 years ago you'd have said. You'd be like,

ah, all commentators are dickheads, aren't they? But now everyone's like, whoa. I couldn't believe. I went to Ajah. I looked at him and I went fuck

and Ajah couldn't fucking hear me that in it yeah he'd have been fucking reprimanded for that wouldn't he but yeah I was I say I was

because I was under the impression that Top of the Pops was a thing it is at Christmas it is but I was under the impression

that the top 10 just got to go on and did the thing but now we've found out that it's I'm telling you right now right I know people from the BBC

watch this right because I've telling you right now right I know people from the BBC watch this right because I've had messages from them right listen do you want to take this on your own

yeah alright this is a PSA BBC we are if we are coming on top of the pops so make it happen I don't know when

it's being recorded yous do and even if you have to record us on a different date to fit us in we're doing it BBC what's that stand for And even if you have to record us on a different day to fit us in, we're doing it. That'll do.

BBC, what's that stand for? Big, baldy cunts. Sorry. Come on, bro. There's definitely a worse B-word. You know what I mean? This attack video is really losing. BBC, fuck off.

Please. We're coming on it. Tell Elton and Ed they can sing their little bit before us and we're closing the show tell them

and if they've got a problem with it give them my number 07431 819 240 that's not enough numbers

it is that's my number that's your number yeah it's not text me that better not be my number

no it's not but yeah I text not be my number no it's not but yeah I text Erica and said we might genuinely be on top of the pops this is insane and I said

if it happens I'm dressing as Elton John like I want to go as Elton John and she went no you're not and I was like why? she went

because I thought Elton John would be there she went you're not looking like a cunt in front of Elton John and I said at the moment 2.3 million people watching at home not bothered John. And I said at the moment- 2.3 million people watching at home.

Not bothered about that. No, I said at the moment, I was like, that's a real sentence in my life. Yeah. Exists. Can we start- If we- Can we start putting the file together of shit Serica says?

Yeah. If it does happen, and- Oh, she said it the other day. If the BBC take that threat seriously for me- They love threats under the BBC. And we end up on it with Elton John. I'm going to be really disrespectful to him. And just be like, you know, like old school rock stars who are like,

I'm going to tell Elton John to go and get me a coffee. Say his name wrong. Yeah. Who's Elton Jeff or something? What's your name? Elton Jeff. I don't know who he is. Hey, Ben Elton, come here.

Hey. Eddie Sheeran. What if he comes over and he's like, who he is. Hey, Ben Elton, come here. Hey, Eddie Sheeran. What if he comes over and he's like, guys, love the podcast, I'm a £10 Patreon. I'd be like,

that's clearly a fucking wig, that kid. Go and get me a coffee now. Americano, cold milk. Chop, as he'd chop. Not the old

Americano slam. Oh, do you know what we'll do? You've gone really downhill since stepping to Christmas and candling the wind. You're just a big fucking gobshite now. Do you know what we'll do? You've gone really downhill since stepping to Christmas and Candle in the Wind. You're just a big fucking gobshite now. Do you know what we'll do, Adam?

I'll do the thing where I crouch behind him and you push him. Dan's a Watford fan if you want to talk to him. He'll show you some respect. He's literally a hero to Watford. No, we'll do the crouch push.

Make him look like a knobhead. So, BBC, just to, just let's, just recount what's happened here. Adam's threatened you and he, you know, he's given you his number here Adam's threatened you and he you know he's given you his number

he's given you his number and the rest of the world his number so you can get in contact with him and then he's also said if he does get on he's gonna bully

a 62 year old gay man not because he's gay though oh because he's a cunt yeah because he's a fucking gobshite who's coming second

so you're gonna push him over did you say and then we can all be like who's standing now stand up Elton you fucking gobshite who's coming second so you're going to push him over did you say and then we can all be like who's standing now stand up Elton you fucking gobshite why what is the relationship

between Elton John and Watford he bought Watford football club why did he play for them because he's from round there and he likes football

and he got dead rich in the late 60s early 70s he was CDM bought his childhood football club they were in the four tier and he was like alright And he got dead rich in the late 60s, early 70s. He was CDM in the 50s. Bought his childhood football club. They were in the fourth tier. And he was like,

hey, here's loads of money. There's a young manager called Graham Taylor. Got us up. And he used to sit in the dugouts. He used to sit in the dugouts when they were playing football.

He'd be like, my team can sit where I want. So you'd have the Watford manager, Graham Taylor, playing like, they got, they went from the fourth tier to, in 1983, they came second behind Liverpool in the championship,

in the proper top flight. And then the next year, we lost the FA Cup to Everton. But that was the actual peak, and we were in the top flight until 87. But all through the 70s, he just went up. And he'd just turn up, full of cocaine, being bummed last night. He's got massive Elton John specs on. He's got flares. Graham Taylor's next to him.

The subs are next to him. He's like, I can sit where the fuck I want. I'm Elton John. And there is pictures. So much respect for that. There are pictures of him just in like football matches going,

come on, get on the wing. You're like, all right, Elton. I love that. Yeah. I want us to get enough patrons so that I can buy a lift bill.

I'll take 2 billion right okay so once the patron it's 2 billion a month I'm just warning you now I'm having a month of the patron and you can just have a month off pay

and I'm buying Liverpool no no we'll just have a stake have a way it owns Liverpool Football Club yeah you've got to a stake in Liverpool Football Club you're a silent do you know I keep pushing 2. You've got to... I stake in Liverpool Football Club. You're a silent...

Do you know I keep pushing... 2.3 billion euros. Yeah, just over 2,000. I keep pushing for people to sign up to Patreon, but there is going to be a point where money and the fact that he's a psychopath, it's going to be a bad combo, isn't it? Like, yeah, we're nearly at 200,000 patrons.

That's 650 grand a month. So, yeah, I can put my plans together. Can we buy a small team first like Runcorn no we can afford them now we could yeah

why though so we can play for them I don't want to be in Runcorn on a 3pm on a Saturday I'll pick you play for Liverpool

let's buy Liverpool where are you going to put me in goal put me in goal left wing put me in goal left wing we're going to go back to the old style remember me in goal. Left wing. Put me in goal. Left wing. We're going to go back to the old style.

Remember in the past, it used to be like, you put a left footed on a left wing and now it's a lot of inverted wingers. People will be expecting you to cut in every week and you can just go down the side, cross it in,

and I'll leave it in. It's going to be really fun. Win every game. Really fun for Carl, that, innit? Brilliant, like, attacking team. Firmino, Salah.

Oh, he's pinged it to the other side and there's that fucking Everton player that shouldn't be here. The owner's mate, Karl Riegler. Do you remember what

William Gallas said to Arsenal if he didn't sell him to Chelsea? He'd start scoring on goals. I'll just start scoring on goals. Oh, I'm not going to pick you then. Have you ruined it now?

I won't, really. You've ruined it. We're very football-y today, boys. Aren't we? Considering that, I'd rather listen to. One of the days I expected

to be talking about football the least. So, I think the thing that we need to consider with the Christmas number one, just to take it back to that, obviously we need to follow it up with an album. Can we get like April number one?

These guys have got... Easter number one? These guys Easter number one Yeah when it's easier Just get it and go Yeah we can Whenever we want Yeah An album

Right Surely Everyone's got to have Their own track then Haven't they? Oh yeah I'm going to do Fairytale of New York

But as a drill track Fairytale of New York Oh is it drill track. Fairytale of New York as a drill track. Oh, is it Christmas album? It doesn't have to be but that's the song I'm doing. Oh, right, okay. That'll make sense

at Easter, won't it? Do you just want to drop one of the F-bombs? You scumbag, you maggot. Oh, you're not allowed to say that anymore, are you? Steve Davis, John Parrott. you're not allowed to say that anymore are you?

Steve Davis, John Parrott. I want to do a diss track. Yeah. Yeah, I'm taking on all fellas. You know you love doing your little Irish gypsy voice. All Northwest podcasters are getting put in the bin. Yeah.

Yeah? Oh, Jesus, no. Why don't we do a gypsy call-out video, but we target Adele, Elton John And Ed Sheeran

And I'll be All the way in the vest In the background And you can just be At the front of it Oh yes Come on Come on now

You want a little bit of this I'll fucking have you Come on now Come on now You'll fucking fight me I'll come on you Adele You big old ginger bitch Come on now

What the fuck's going on You're fucking murdered What do you think about Elton John You big old ginger bitch! Come on now! What the fuck's going on? Get off of my head! What do you think about Elton John? I'll fucking pull his ginger balls off! You dirty bastard! And the fucking other podcast around here can suck my dick as well! Come on! I'll meet you around the fucking Aldi car park, you bastards!

That's my lala. I'll meet you around the fucking Aldi car park you bastard Do you mean something like that? Yeah Do you mean something like that, Adam? Did you see? Mate, if you're an audio listener, you have missed quite a lot. There was a beautiful point where I got too excited, stood up and tripped over my own laptop and nearly fell backwards.

Thank God we've got a small studio. You fucking, you fucking listen to me, you know? Do you want to be introduced? On lefty and righty. I'll give you a fucking on a tit wank. Danny's slapping his own tits. It has been a rough pandemic for me.

I think you look quite good, you know. You look like a bloody lovely bear. Yeah. Sorry, what a go. been a rough pandemic for me i think you look quite good you look like a bloody lovely bear yeah sorry a bloody lovely bear bloody lovely bear you do it's a lovely amount of hair thank you i hope you take this the right way do you know what you look like you look like someone fatter who's lost weight i just got tired of being tired. Who the fuck is that? Who's that? Oh, it's Nate Bargatze. He's like, I'm not in great shape,

but I am in great shape if you tell everyone I've lost six stone in the last year. He's like, oh, well done for you. He's like, yeah, man. I just got tired of being tired. Yeah. Oh, well, I feel self-conscious. Take yourself back then. Come on now. tired. Yeah. Woo! Well, I feel self-conscious. Put yourself

back down. Come on now! You want a little bit of this Adele? Ed Sheeran and your little ginger bollocks. I'll fucking

have you meet me in the fucking shopping city run corner car park outside the fucking

Birnbergens. I had a feeling today was going to get a bit I was wrong. I hope you see that, you know. I want to make it I want to make it to the sea though. I think a lot of women just slid out my DMs.

Onsen. I don't know, you know. No? That buds it in, hasn't it? As we've said before. Do you know what? I like I preferred

Cuddly Little Bear. I said you didn't say Cuddly Little Bear. Lovely Little Bear. Bloody Lovely Bear. A Bloody Lovely Bear. Like Yogi. Yeah.

Er, listen, this is a weird time to call a break, but, er, my tits are cold. You're going to have to

leave your top off for continuity. Right, cool. I need to stop this section because my boobs are cold. Merry Christmas. Adam, get off your phone.

We're going to do a Manscaped ad. I'm reading what they want us to say. All right, we'll crack on. Hello, ho, ho, ho, gentlemen. The holiday season is upon us. And this week's episode, like many others, is brought to you by our partners

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They do. That was better than a high five. That was a great help with that, Bert. You shave your balls, your missus will smoke her the pipe with her face a little bit more often. And she could use it to trim the pum-pum. She can.

And there's the weed whacker. You can shove that up your nose. You won't have hairy nose or ear stools anymore. And her arse. And her arsehole. Shave her arsehole. Shave everything you can possibly find hair on in your house shave the cat

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perfect Christmas present so go and get yourself some stuff rah now and enjoy the rest of the episode peace there's a big big exhale there Carl for Christmas presents. So go and get yourself some stuff. Rah now. And enjoy the rest of the episode. Peace.

That's a big, big exhale there, Carl. Exciting, isn't it? It's big. Honestly, let's just crack on. Let's just have fun, all right? Wag wan lids. So someone's not got the joke. Wag wan lids.

This is from Abby. Abby here. For Christmas, I want to give my boyfriend taylor bow a sensual gift he's a dedicated patron gift a sensual gift sensual a sensual gift he's a dedicated patron fan who's always watching your podcast one day i walked in to find dan talking about a pokey bum wank on the pod and have wanted to experiment with Taylor ever since. However, he won't let me. Please mention this in one of your videos and try and convince Taylor to let me give him

the most festive Christmas gift of all. Cheers, Abby. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Give your bum all a good wipe. Baby wipes as well. Bit of the messed up. Clean it. Give your bum all a good wipe. Baby wipes as well. Bit of Domestos.

Clean it all up for her. And let her go fucking nuts. All right, yeah. But she's... Taylor Bowie's got a consent. Otherwise, it's a pokey bum rape. I'm not saying just do it to her. Oh, no. No, I thought you were just saying...

No, I'm not. I am not. I am not condoning pokey bum rape. No. No, because we're very... We've always had a very anti-pokey bum rape. No. No, because we're very, we've always had a very anti-pokey bum rape stance. Don't finger anyone in the arse

without asking them first and getting at least a wink. Oh, a fact. A fact. When we got together to do this podcast two years ago, I said to her, I was like,

I just want to do a podcast where it's like we're in a dressing room of a comedy club where you and I are making each other laugh. But above that as important if not more important is we just need to take a really anti-pokey bum rape stance we do and i've and i live in i live what's his name taylor no yeah lads abby wants to give you a little present let start with one, and she'll be up to her elbows by Boxing Day. I swear to God.

Oh, dad don't sound so good. Give him a little tail. Hang on. Christmas morning? No, it's not Christmas morning. When are you doing the Pokebomb one Christmas present? It's not Christmas morning, is it? Right, there are all your presents.

Bend over. It's an evening. It's probably before dinner, though. Yeah. Right, because you're stuffed. Yeah Bend over. It's an evening. It's probably before dinner, though. Yeah. Right, because you're stuffed. Yeah, you don't want to be fucking Brussels sprouting all over that arm. Yeah. Just wrap your hand up.

Put it under the tree and be like, yeah, Merry Christmas. Right. Just in case he's... A little box, yeah, there's your present, but it's got a hole in the bottom and he doesn't know about it and as he's opening it, you just slowly...

Right. But why would the present be under his arse? Uh-huh. Be like, we've got your new cushion. No, no, no, he's just opening it, and he opens it and it's a finger. If it's a middle finger. This is going up your body. Oh, right, right, right.

What's that? What's that? Or be like, do you remember whoopee cushions? Do you remember whoopee cushions from when you were a kid? Got you a whoopee cushion, be like... And then fingering. I honestly, at one point, right, I had a whoopee cushion. So I you were a kid. Got you a whoopee cushion and be like, and then fingering. I honestly, at one point,

I had a whoopee cushion. So I used to read the Beano. Right? But I've told you. I'm sorry. It wasn't that long ago. I know that it makes sense, but it deserves a...

I used to read the Beano. Pokey bum rape. Hang on, I used to read the Beano. And the Bash Creek kids. I used to love it. Who's your favourite character? Dennis the Beano. And the Bash Creek kids, go on. I used to love it. Who was your favourite character? Dennis the Millicent.

Oh, was he? Yeah. It was Desperate Dan, wasn't it? Yeah, Desperate Dan was Dandy. Oh, I like Desperate Dan. I like Dennis the Millicent. The, the, the, what was, was it the Bash Creek kids? Yeah.

Yeah. Nasher and Dennis were Beano. Yeah. The Bash Creek kids were Beano. Who else was in the Beano? The Beano was my favourite. I preferred Beano. Yeah. The Bass Street kids were Beano. Who else was in the Beano? The Beano was my favourite. I preferred Beano to Dandy. Um...

Desperate Dan was good though. He's like a fucking a cowboy that had clearly done way too much growth hormone. Yeah, he looked like Dan Bilgey.

Charlie the Lesbian Shark. Oh, Charlie the Lesbian Shark. That was the Beano. No, no, is that Dandy? Charlie the Lesbian Shark? Because he used to be like

do-do-do-do-, I'm going to be a lesbian. It was trans. It was very forward thinking. Charlie the girl's name, the lesbian shark. All right, cool. Charlie's angels. I said it wrong, didn't I? I was going to do a lesbian shark then,

and you cut me off. But I used to read it, and genuinely, Dennis putting whoopee cushions on the people and like ruining their day with it i i genuinely was like and i got a whoopee cushion and stink bombs and stuff and i honestly thought i was a genuine threat to society you had before the bear what before these are all people from the bino charlie the lesbian shark because i used to read charlie the lesbian shark and then be like, when I'm going swimming, someone's getting licked out.

Go on. Minnie the Minx. Roger the Dodger. Minnie the Minx was alright. The Bash Street Kids, Little Plum and Billy Whiz. Yeah, Bash Street Kids. Billy Whiz, he loved the limo. He was constantly coked off his own.

Billy Whiz. Not Whiz. No. Billy Whiz, yeah. Whiz is coke, isn't it? No. Is it not? Speed, isn't it no is it not speed and speed isn't speed just coke no isn't speed just like coke with like more sugar than can we just cut to where you can we just i just cut to where you go would you do heroin

i thought coke was just like i thought speed was just like, I thought speed was just like, like coke. Just speed's amphetamine, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Oh. All it is is revving the engine. Does it make you run faster? Speed.

Yeah. I suppose so, yeah. I don't know if you should go running on speed. You just stay up for three days. Yeah. I used to. Or go to hard house nights. Sunday Central, Sheffield.

My mum told me once that one of our neighbours was on speed. But like in a very flippant way. Should I name her? No. Irish Cathy, I named her. Right? She lived over the road.

She was scoused, but had Irish heritage. Have you made that name up to protect people? Irish Cathy her name was right she lived over the road just like she was scouts but like had Irish heritage have you made that name up to protect people she wasn't like called Belgian Mary or something

it was Scottish it was Irish Mary right it was Scottish John as well wasn't it what's all this fucking Gaelic first names you need to

you need to like discriminate discriminate you need to discriminate against the Celtics you need to be able to discriminate. There was Black Alan the taxi driver as well. That's true as well. I'm sure I've told you that before.

And there was Peruvian Jeff. The window cleaner. Argentinian Bill. There was two Peruvian Jeffs. So there was Peruvian Jeff, the window cleaner, and Peruvian Jeff, the fruit salesman. Wow, that's a lot of words, isn't it? Fruit salesman.

Just calling. Not daughter, though. I'm from Melons Naked. Hey, stop calling me Fruity Jeff. I've got a full title, thanks. Peruvian Jeff, the fruit salesman. I know, it's a mouthful, but it's better than Fruity Jeff.

Did you not have this round by yours? Did you not like... It was Irish Mary. No. You honestly... But her house was always spotless and I went in once and... How old are you?

When was this? Was this the 1870s? Are you doing an Alan Bennett one-man play? Oh, there was Irish Jeff, Peruvian Phil. It's just... It's Peruvian Phil. So much of your life sounds made up. There was Black Island Taxi Driver.

Right? There was Irish Manny. There was Scottish John. You were in the Beano. What? You were in the Beano. I saw you fucking loved it. You lived in it. No, it wasn't Irish Manny. There was Scottish John. You were in the Beano. What? You were in the Beano. So you fucking loved it. You lived in it.

No, it wasn't Irish Manny. Charlie, the lesbian shark. It wasn't Irish Manny. Don't go down the Mersey today. Irish Manny. Ladies. Irish Manny was the one that we rang like hundreds of thousands of pounds

over the years worth of deliveries to when she never ordered them. Who's that? No, that wasn't her either. There was a woman in the street called Mandy who was Irish. That's the end of that story. Anyway, so Speed, Speed's amphetamine. Next to us, we had a fella called Roy,

who there was rumours he was a paedophile, but he was always sound to me. Because he didn't want to fuck you. There was Dennis the drug dealer, and that's actually true. Dennis the drug dealer, he had a actually true. Dennis the drug dealer, he had a BMW, and his house just looked a little bit nicer than everyone else's,

even though it was in the middle of the terrace on the street. Yeah, but there was one... Oh, Stacey. Stacey. That's her. Speedy Stacey. Yes.

Speedy Stacey. We went in once, because my mum wanted... I think Stacey sold ciggies. Right. It fell her. It fell her. Poor. You lived on Coronation Street, didn't you? in once because my mum wanted i think stacy sold ciggies right it fell it fell out paul i actually this genuinely basically did yeah you could sit on my doorstep on a saturday night and watch the street and it was without any shadow of a doubt better than watching the telly

like without any shadow of a doubtbt the streets I grew up on was insane there was one family who if you ever fought with one of them you fought with all of them but more often than not

they were just fighting with each other they'd be fucking met because they'd all go around to one house for a drink every weekend and it would just boot off

but Speedy Stacey I can't believe you forgot who did the speed was it Irish Mary? Was it Scottish Arthur? Or was it the Swedish House? No, it was Speedy Stacey. Stacey, so I was called Paul.

Paul sold a combination of Siggy's, maybe some other stuff that were two, and he also sold fake clothes. So I bought a Prada trackie off him at one point I was going to say trackies and knew

he sold trackies yeah and like fake Armani t-shirts why didn't he have a nickname because he did too many things he was too intimidating

oh so he was just called Paul Irish Kev Irish man Scottish barrel not Paul not unrhymed with trackies either

yeah Paul not on rhymes with trackies either yeah Paul erm Speedy Stacey her house was always spotless of course it was and I went in once

I think to buy ciggies with me mum and I was like my mate house is so clean and she was like yeah it's on speed yeah you thought that was

Lemo on the Lemo I did I thought she'd like done some coke and clean the house who'd do that well i think it's just cheap it's just speed's just like cheap same effect sort of shit you know the old biker gigs that everyone does so the this sounds like i'm making it up but for the last last 15-odd years, the Disabled Bikers charity have been having comedy nights or comedy afternoons as part of their Disabled Bikers festivals.

And these go on all around the North, and they're like, yeah, do you want to come and do the Disabled Bikers? And they're weird. They are mental, but they're quite fun. And they all do speed. They're a big fan of speed and I've been offered it mid afternoon

that's why they've got bikes mid afternoon nicely played I've gone fast lovely I've been offered like speed mid afternoon on a fucking

you know like Saturday afternoon gig in East Yorkshire line you're like even me who likes drugs are like no

because I've got to drive to sheffield to do the last laugh and i don't need speed to deal with the m18 um but most way katie katie mulgrew and lee martin got married and because lee martin from gag reflex has been booking acts for the disabled bikers for so long they they invited some of the the bikers rick rick was one of them and i was pissed no it wasn't there wasn't any other drug there was a drug-free wedding and i saw rick the disabled biker with his with his like cane walking around looking like an absolute like hell's angels he feels that he feels it with coke doesn't he what? What? He fills it with cocaine. Oh, mate.

It's hard to get a story out, but when you've got gold dripping out of this man, you've just got to harvest it. So I was like, Rick, have you got any speed? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Go on, Siad. So for absolutely no reason,

I had a line of speed at my mate's wedding. And I was really helpful that whole wedding because I was a groomsman. And as the other groomsmen were like hammered, I was like, right, everyone, who needs taxis? Are you going home? Cool, I'll get taxis. I'll flag one down. Don't worry about it.

Let's form a queue. It was amazing. One of the girls there. Is speed like the limit of a stug? No, it's just like someone has jammed batteries up your arse. You don't feel great. You don't feel elated. There's no good feelings.

There's no serotonin. You are just, it's like, it almost feels like 100 coffees without the heart attack. That's limitless, isn't it? Just hyper-focus? No, because limitless is more like that sort of like you feel great yeah you're smarter speed doesn't make you smarter it just revs your engine and all night i was like and i didn't sleep fuck me is it strong it's not good stuff that's disabled bikers like stabilizers what what's the i don't get what disabled bike it's for bikers who've fallen off their bike

been become disabled and there's a charity for them oh so they're not still bikers who've fallen off their bike, become disabled, and there's a charity for them. Oh, so they're not still bikers? Oh, they are. Yeah. They all turn up on their... I've done one. They all turn up on their bikes. There's hundreds.

You don't have to be disabled to go to a disabled bikers festival. No, no. It's like pride. It's like pride for disabled bikers. You either have to be a disabled biker or support them. It's disabled b like pride. It's like pride for disabled bikers. Like you, you don't, you either have to be a disabled biker or support them. It's not like, it's disabled biker pride.

It sounds like we're doing it. They don't do it in city centres. They do it in fields in Yorkshire on Tuesday afternoons. Sounds amazing. Yeah. Everyone's leathered up. And for some reason, speed's their weapon of choice.

And so-and-so has lost a leg. And then they remember the mates that, because being on like, like guys who've got bikes will know this. It's fucking dangerous and then they remember the mates that because being on like like guys who've got bikes will know this it's fucking dangerous and they've lost mates to it and so it's part of a fundraising thing to to help disabled bikers yeah yeah some of that also the sound there's such a you can say whatever you want crowd yeah yeah oh the you know like at the last dance the people who did fine with the people like so the pandemic's been uh difficult hasn't it

i tell you what i uh i've been locked in the house it's the same you know because the last dance when we did it the frog was so mental the crowd were like, do mental. And that's why Jamie H going, eh, was so popular because it was mental and it suited the night. Those biker gigs are like that, two o'clock in the afternoon, somewhere near Hull in a fucking tent. And obviously, like all the festivals, it doesn't kick off properly with the music till later.

The afternoon slots are perfect for comedy, but they turn up and if you show i mean you'll have done it if you look like you don't know what you're doing or if you start stuttering or get nervous you're alive oh man and they they make they really enjoy it it's a balls out comedy the best comic i've ever seen at one of those is like glenn wool yeah who's the guys who walk on and just do alpha not necessarily always the best comedy, the disabled biker gigs just want to see, if someone shouts-

They want you to own it. Yeah, if someone shouts, fuck you, you specky twat, you just have to be like, fuck you and your ugly wife. And they're like, hey! They're like banging stumps together.

Hey! He's got his amputated foot and he's banging it off his wife. Fucking she's minging. That is literally 10 past two and they're great and they're all on speed. Phenomenal.

I took a risk when I did it because I got told the only thing you can't joke about is the biker way of life. And I just, they were like, if you sort of look down on them and you're like, oh, what the fuck are you doing? And I just went on and I was like, I've been told you sort of look down on them and you're like oh what the

fuck he is doing and i just read and i was like i've been told the only thing i can't take the piss out of is your way of life but you are all in a field on a saturday aren't you and the promoters just offered me drugs and if you don't think that's funny that's not on me yeah did they laugh yeah if they like you i've've seen people, it's hard. Because they're not, you know, some crowds are like, oh, you're a bit shit, we're just going to chat between us. Nah, that's not how that goes down. The bikers, they don't give a fuck.

Absolutely hammered, loving it. And once they think you're all right, you get the energy of like the best gig you ever get on a Saturday night. You know, like when you're in a comedy club and you just walk on and it's like, wow, this is why we love those. Very rare at festival gigs on an afternoon you get that same kind of energy. If you go and stick it to them a little bit and they get on board, and it's a combination of the fact that they're, you know, still pissed from the night before

and they've got speed in them but, fuck me, does that start flying. Like, you can rip those gigs in a really amazing way. So,

in summary, Taylor, let your beard finger you on Boxing Day. Yeah, so that's what we, yeah. Or join a biker gang.

Or, one of the two. Yeah. Or get a disabled biker to finger you If she goes too far and fists you And you become disabled Get a bike and go to the biker rallies Because they're nice

Get some speed Can we start a biker gang? Or five It's got a Keir Sportage Yeah, well you can buy a Give that to your dad Hey, Adam I need to speak to you

I'm not very happy about this Apparently you're disabled And now you've got a biker gang. You don't tell me none. I want a trike. Oh, like a Billy Connolly one? Yeah. A pedal one or a motor one?

Yeah, a pedal one. Because you wouldn't get bummed to death. Even Elton John would be like, you fucking pussy. So hang on, Christmas present wise, just to check, check you like sykes is that what you're telling me i'm just checking he did say he likes sykes what about what about them yellow and red cars that you push with your feet they're good then they're four wheels don't they how did we end up doing what do you like for Christmas Dan I didn't see it

coming do you like the Flintstones yeah do you like Duvets yeah okay

is it just good snow I love Flintstones do you want a new jumper Dan because that one looks like it got stuck at the airport

and he tried to send it to London that's a phenomenal slam there, Carl. You don't even wear your glasses when you're driving. What the fuck was that? I tell you what, Carl,

it's going to be tricky for me to get back up from that one. You all right? Let me just take a moment. Wow. Wow. Let's get you a new heart. Bloody lovely bear. Wow, that turned sour quick, didn't it?

You are? What's your favourite animal? Genuinely Good question I like otters Like remote controlled animals You find me a remote controlled otter And you can wrap that up with that Flintstone duvet cover That you won't be able to find either

A remote controlled otter Defo exists 100% doesn't Hey, Steve Better get on to Judy Because we're going to need Someone in Chongqing It's going to be a website

Yeah, of course Remote control otter DHK £12 Here we go They don't exist Thank you They'll have one in Mankind

Next week Yeah Ooh, what was that? Is there a remote control plane called an otter? Oh, mate. Hey, can I just say, me and Bondi a few years ago, we did Christmas presents for each other.

When we were both single, we had money and no wives to be wonderful and waste our money. We were like, Christmas present, right, what's it? And we just checked, like christmas present right what's it and we just like one christmas we did it's gonna fly it you can do christmas presents but it had to fly so i spent 200 quid on a remote control airplane that me and bondy my mate tim made on like the 27th spent ages and he's quite meticulous because he's a dentist he likes to do everything properly i'd have just been gluing wings on it and it had been fucked.

He did it properly. Had a couple of beers. We were going out for drinks later. We were like, while the light's still good, we'll go to like the local park. Drove around, got it out.

He's really proud of it. We stood there. It was only us in the whole field. There was no one else. And he, he had the engine running. It was like, and in theory, you just meant to like, let it, I don't know what you're meant to do just get it going or whatever and he sort of did that and it

looped it was almost like if you'd tried to do it it wouldn't have been able to do it it looped in what was no more than two meters and just went and it exploded and we just literally went cool and we never did it has to fly christmas presents again it was so annoying but also just comical and i almost wish there'd been a crowd for it just went 200 quid in the fucking dirt flying otters flying otters come at me bro seriously what um have you got anything that you want for Christmas For me From me From you Are we doing Are we doing any sort of Lean ins or

I've got yours ready Have you boxed it Yeah I just did a I did a couple of bits For you guys Yeah yeah yeah It was keen this morning

Weirdly I did Adam's first I did Adam's first I just saw a couple of things I'm aware I'm aware of them Oh yeah I showed you Are you one of a Pokemon

Or a Digimon man I think that's Honestly if I'm anything to do with pokemon or digimon it's basically it's pedophilia in it what am i doing at 40 years old okay yugioh then ah what's that no what's happening? Feeling the voice. No, I don't want this. You got any more questions? Did we do one? We've done one.

Do you know what we showed her today, Dan? Mate, do you know how much, Abby, I would love you to finger my arse? Sounds great. It sounds great. I don't know, even if you don't enjoy it. You don't want to make that noise, though. No.

No. If anything, you want it to be like... I think that's more worrying. Finger went in your... Echo, echo, echo. Fucking hell, Adam, how big's your arse? Dog quacks don't echo, do they? Yeah, about that.

You know, if a dog quacks... get your arsehole out let's try it well that was good duck quacks don't echo like they won't even in an echo chamber they won't echo right cool well you do the research on that do you like echo chambers have you ever been to an echo chamber ducks quacks don't echo I've been closer to his arsehole echo echo false oh I think

for listen if you're a female listener we should do a little thing because maybe Abbey's not gonna because you've got to ask permission what we said

we live and die by it only finger people who have said yes yeah you have to be like we wish you a merry Christmas we wish you be like, we wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas.

Want to finger your arse? Do you know what it is though, genuinely? Have you washed your arse? Because I've clipped my nails. Have you... Go on. Is this going to be on the album? Do you know what it is?

He doesn't want to do it because he thinks it makes him gay. That is genuinely the only reason men don't want to be fingered in their arsehole or pegged or licked bumholes. Like they... Licked bumholes. I licked it by my eyes. Men don't like a finger.

Men need to let that go. What about the duck call? Yeah. That's not gay, is it, bro? No. I better not be because I i do every time i come freddie quinn oh fuck i'd hate to see freddie come oh top five comes you know what it's like

that jizz was like um I think everyone should think... Sorry, Adam, carry on. I just think, you know, men need to... It's only gay if it's a man's finger. And even then, that's fine. It's not gay if it's a man's finger. In your bumhole. Only if he makes direct eye contact with you.

Yeah, if you're facing that way, I suppose it could be anyone's finger, wouldn't it? Yeah. Unless it's hairy. It's gay if it's hairy. It's not gay if it's an appointment that's actually true yeah

it is yeah get her to be a play doctor wanna check your bum hole yeah shall we just listen for our female listeners

who are of the heteronormative sexuality persuasion erm let's finger some arseholes for Christmas guys come on let's have a little Christmas arsehole drive. Never mind Christmas.

What about this Christmas number one? Christmas number one digit. Let's finger some arseholes. Unboxing day, haveawordpod at gmail.com. And then next year we'll do it again and we'll call it in for the penny, in for the pound. Wow. Don't let Finn finger your arse though because you will end up in terrible bleeds. Finn could pick my nose by his finger in my the pound. Wow. Don't let Finn think you're last though

because you will end up in terrible place. Finn could pick my nose by his finger in my ass. Christ! No, thank you, Finn. You've got a big finger. That's the joke, isn't it?

Finn's got a big finger and that would hurt if he was in your bottom. Carver's initials in tomorrow's poo. Let that one hang. Thanks for that, Abby. Oh my God. 25 minutes and 20 seconds

of absolute shite Carl that was rough mate shout out to Carl who landed one of the second I think second best joke of the whole podcast on this week's Patreon episode and it got the respect

it deserved as well what was the best one? Carl's as well. Carl's had two of the best jokes of the whole podcast. But he's never got his top off and been racist against white people. Who's winning?

Maybe we want to think about that. Maybe you want to think about that. One last question before we go to a much-needed break. Wag Wag Lids. Thank you, Daniel Johnson, for another wonderful question. And knowing that it's not wag wan.

Come on, Abby, get your finger out. New patron here. Would you rather have sex with a cow for, no, this is from, sorry,

this is not from Daniel Johnson. It's from Tim. I have had so many emails from Daniel Johnson. I'm just assuming it's from him. Tim's Dr. Canary, isn't he? Is it? Yeah.

No. It is, yeah. It's Tim Canary. He's a new patron, Dr. Canary. Dr. Canary's been a patron for ages. I don't know. Dr. no it's a new patron Dr. Canary Dr. Canary's been a patron for ages

I don't know Dr. Canary's a Tim Tim Hammond maybe there's more than one Tim no I'm just saying I genuinely don't know after this wag wag lids

new patron here would you rather have sex with a cow for two million pounds but it's recorded and shown on she's a cow I'll start it again would you rather have sex with a cow for two million pounds, but it's recorded and shown on... She's a cow. I'll start it again. Would you rather have sex with a cow for two million pounds,

but it's recorded and shown on all major news channels and on the internet forever, or fuck the cow for no money, but it's not recorded? Love the pod. Cheers. Tim. So hang on. Trevor McDonald is on the news going all his replacements

because he's probably dead or retired now. And he's like, thousands died in Syria today due to a terrorist explosion. But as he's saying that behind him is me shagging a cow. No, I think it's a separate story. It's forever. It's forever. Every day.

On the news channel and shown on all the major news channels. I think that's a separate thing. So it's shown on all the major news channels as a story, which would be a weird thing to end the show. And finally, You know what's going on. And on the internet forever, as in the clips are on the internet forever.

Nice. So it's not like on the background of the Google homepage. Picture in picture. No, as in like, it's not going anywhere. It can't be deleted. Also, I don't think this, it's going to become part of sort of popular culture isn't it if for some random region reason all major news channels do cover this as one of the top stories adam row

fucking a cow for two million pounds or you still either way you have to fuck a cow or you just get to do it in private no money but no one knows one knows. Can we give the patrons 48 hours early access? Oh, it's content, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Content is king. If you have to fuck a cow, two million pounds, but everyone knows. Cows are really one of the creatures

I would like to fuck the least. I don't even know where a cow's pussy is they are, it's all around the back and I just think genuinely when I was I worked on a farm I worked on a farm when I was 16 cows are stinky dumb animals

what this is rare innit I did Mr Beasley's farm piss off This is rare, isn't it? Yeah, I did. Mr Beasley's farm. It's off. Sorry for joking. That was the farm hand.

No. Did you shag his wife? Mrs Beasley. Yeah, she always shags the farm hand, doesn't she? No, she was a lovely woman. She had three children. She's fair. It's the same ages. Dave Beasley, I went to drama group

with her this isn't bullshit and you've waited till episode 150 have I never told you that I worked on a farm for a bit I don't think so

it was my Saturday job for a bit what was your other job what did you do were you shoveling shit yeah was you I had to change out,

like, clean out the cows, clean out the pigs. I love the pigs. Pigs are sound. Pigs are smart and they're funny to fuck with. Like,

they're great. No, no. No, but just like, you know, like some animals you respect. So you'd go in with the pig feed

and the pigs would be like, we'll eat you right now. If you fall over, we will eat your face. It was fun. And they'd come at you. You go in, the would be like, we'll eat you right now. If you fall over, we will eat your face. It was fun and they'd come at you. You go in, the cows are like,

you're like, dickhead, it's me again. Do you remember from last week? Why are you shitting it? I'm cleaning your poo and I'm bringing you food. You fucking moron.

Cows are like, I immediately feel sorry for Etta and Jack and what does the dog do? Woof. Well done. And what does the cow do? Meow.

That's right. And the cow? They are the dumbest fucking animals. I'm sorry if you're pro-cow. Whenever I was like, I don't eat beef, I'm like, I will chow it down. They are dumb cunts. You go in the cow pen,

and they're literally like, they see you and they're like, they can't walk backwards properly, so they're like, oh my God, oh my God, he's coming. Coming to change your fucking food, idiot. You're getting the pigs in like, yeah, bitch.

You're trying to trip over now, we're going to eat you, boy. The pigs were fucking great fun. What pigs eat here? The pigs attack you. So we had one big sow, which is like the mother pig. And then she'd had a litter.

So in my time, we went from having small little piglets that were cute as fuck. I probably worked there for six months a year. And at one point later on before they got sold they're quite big so i watched them get bigger and bigger when they were oh this is brutal when they were well when they were first born there was the litter and i was 16 so i was like oh piglets and it is cute and they're in with the mum then so they're all suckling and i noticed

that one of them was like small, like visibly smaller than his siblings. And I was like, farmer Beasley, Mr. Beasley, one of the pigs is small and he's not, I don't think he's doing too well. And I thought, cause he was a farmer, he'd be like, oh, don't worry. We'll take him in the farmhouse. We'll put him next to the fire. We'll give him milk and we'll get him stronger again. He went, oh yeah, he's a runt. Grabbed it by the legs and fucked it onto a massive pile of manure. Literally, I thought he was going to grab him and go, we'll take him in the house.

He got him and like literally Tom Brady, 40 yard pass. He'd like he'd thrown runt pigs on manure for years. He didn't even look at where the manure was he just went yeah it's a runt fucked one

and this pig went wee he knows where the goal is Dan holy shit I was like ha run team so wasn't it just

living on a big pile of shit then no it was like struggling to get to the tee it just died out there yeah but didn't it die on a big pile of poo? Yeah. Why didn't you just blow its head off?

Yeah, the humane thing to do is to fucking... Shotgun back at you. Shoot it. There'll be people in agriculture that'll be like, why waste a fucking bullet on a runt? I can almost imagine them saying it. It's not a dog. It's not like a trusted family pet.

It's a thing. It lives. I know. It should have shot it. Can's not like a trusted family pet. It's a thing. It lives. I know. It should have shot it. Can I tell you what I did? Oh, did you shag it? What? I don't know what you do on the farm.

On the poops. In the poops. I think that'd be frowned upon. I don't think he gives a fuck. He throws pigs on parts of shit. I think there's an unspoken rule in agriculture that you don't fuck a piglet. I don't think there is.

No. No. So I was like, I can't leave Runty out there. This is totally true. I was like, I knew it was just on the pile of manure. Like, oh, God. So cold, sir. Just wanted some milk.

So I got one of the spades. And I was just going to end it. Rather than it just starving or having crows poke its eye out, I just thought, I'll just put the spade blade on its neck and just go through it and just like,

I basically wanted to humanely end it for Runty. It's good that you did that because that is humanely ending it. So I went on to the pile of manure. It's quite a big pile. Went on on top like runty was literally just there like just fucking flew flew for the first time in his life and i put the spade on its neck and in my head i would it was going to be grim but i was like i can't just let you this is better and i thought it would just like break it, chop his head off basically.

Just like it'd be ended. And I put my weight on the thing and then pushed and he just disappeared about a meter into this shit. It just, it just, he just literally went neck first and just went. And the spade went in. Nothing broke. His neck just went sideways and he just disappeared into the poo. I pulled the spade went in nothing broke

his neck just went sideways and he just disappeared into the poo I pulled the spade out I just ran off because I was like I think I might get bollocked you know

for drowning a piglet in plop so that was 1997 that is the most harrowing story we've ever told on this podcast. It's totally true.

For all you know, it's still there. But bigger. Shit. Survived. I'm coming for you, Dan. Anyway, I hate cows. What was the question? Tim says, I don't know.

I'm not fucking any cows. I don't know I'm not fucking any cows I don't 2 million At least you're doing it In a TV studio maybe It's not 2 mil Nah Is it not

Not really So you want to fuck a cow Secretly then That's the other option 2 mil and everyone knows Yeah Or So what's the everyone knows

Everyone goes and Is the cow shagger Yeah So you can't really make a everyone goes and is the cow shagger yeah so you can't really make a living because I was the cow shagger like poo girl remember poo girl I'm the

I'm a piglet murderer now so that's I'm a bit speechless about that one yeah I know it's a weird story isn't it it's funny though

think about what happened in that pig's head it's like oh fucking it's back at the queue essentially yeah like he's just back of the queue and it's it's looked up and seen you pointed it and the farmer go and it's landed on a big pile of shit it's like oh fucking hell and then it's seen you coming over with a spade it's like oh he's gonna pick me up and take me back to the queue

yeah and you go no no into the shite you go i really thought it'd be a i drowned him in poo you did drown a pig in poo that's mad still better than no it's bad did you do anything else on the farm it's like your last day can i be honest i have almost no memories of that like few months of my life apart from thinking fuck me it's cold in the winter

which felt it literally felt like it went dark at about half past two it was that sort of out of North Preston and then when we'd finished your hands would be freezing

and we'd go in and we'd watch Jeff Stellin do Soccer Saturday and Mr Beasley would just make butter on toast and then put salt on it. And I remember thinking, watching him do that, going, you're going to have a fuck. What a weird way to say piece of toast.

He would make butter on toast. Yeah, make toast with loads of butter on. And then, like, put salt on it. Do you not do that with your toast anyway? I put salt on everything. Do you put salt on toast? And pepper. Yeah, no.

Do you? Yeah. Really? It's just a hard stuff waiting to happen, isn't it? Can I just say, I watched him, he was a large man, put so much salt on. Even at 16 when I knew nothing about it, I was like, you're going to have a heart attack.

He had triple bypass surgery about eight years later. Not messing. So yeah, that was my life. It's weird, isn't it? I can't believe you've not. Is that was my life as a it's weird in it i can't believe you've not so i is that true i i can believe he hasn't told it before yeah and i believe it i can see the horror in his eyes i'm closer than you it's just a random story in it yeah i was got i was going out with a girl called uh katie it must have been 17 then uh from katie lambert from college and i used to go to hers on a saturday

and i couldn't get the smell of shit off you know you're like because just working on the farm is disgusting macbeth that's why i had to use swarfiga have you ever used swarfiga yeah it's like farmer soap i'm gonna blow fucking pigs i used to get around to her house she'd be like she was like you fucking hum what. What have you been doing today? Murdering piglets. I'm dying for a break. I'm starving. I'd really like some bacon.

Bacon but here. Get on me. Ladies and gentlemen, hell has frozen over. We've finally been fucking nominated for a fucking award. We've been nominated by the legends over at podbiblemag.com in the comedy section of this year's awards on their website. We're very excited. We want to win this one.

It's a public vote. Go to podbiblemag.com right now and vote for us. Fuck everyone else. We're the best. And if you follow us on socials, if you don't follow us on socials, at have a word pod, and then retweet, share things.

If you see it, give it a like. Give this video a like. Subscribe. Do everything. socials if you don't follow us on socials at have a word pod and then retweet share things if you see it give it a like give this video a like subscribe do everything rub your tits on our podcast that's staying in yeah no no i'll do yeah ring the bell as well rub your tits on our podcast thank you get on me welcome back welcome back welcome back welcome back just had a a song played on the national radio didn't we that's an important

no Paul McCaffrey's here who had to sit and listen to us on a radio station I can't I can't believe it it's ridiculous if you end up on

Top of the Pops on Christmas Day yeah it's like fucking Lid Actually I think you've missed you've missed the trick. Not going with la Christmas.

All I want for Christmas is yous. Carl's going to dress up as Elton John if we go on top of the pop. Oh man, I really hope it happens. I'm going to disrespect Elton saying that in the first half. I'm just going to tell him to go and get me a fucking coffee.

We're number one now, lad. This is how Adam gets TV opportunities he looks down the camera and threatens the BBC thanks for coming up mate thanks for having me nice to be here

absolute legend that is Paul McCaffrey wow thank you I can't believe people literally like like gigs are back and people are like

yeah definitely want to come and do the pod with you this is where we've got to now where we're getting I can't believe people literally like the like gigs are back and people are like yeah definitely want to come and do the pod with you this is where we've got to now where we're getting like the comics that we love and they're like

I've been trying to get this guy for a year and he's been like yeah can't do that one can't do that one and then this one just happened to me

I bet you say that to everyone yeah I've let you you know you we've been waiting on has it been a hard get yeah no not at all it's just not worked you know you we've been waiting on has it been a hard get yeah no

not at all it's just not worked you know logistically I've been wanting to do this for ages it's a pleasure to be here thanks for coming on co-host of

your own podcast with Sean Walsh yeah I'm in the podcasting game now yeah it's so fucking funny thanks man yeah

short 15 minutes I think that's I still can't get my head around it but touche it's I think that's I still can't get my head around it but touche it's I think what's good about it is

unbelievably boring well just people have got so many podcasts that they listen to now and they're like oh I can't take another one on so I think with the 15 minutes you could just sort of

squeeze it in wow we have really attacked that from a different angle yeah what we've done is we throw out so much content that we're actively trying to clear your week yeah don't listen to any other parts fuck that the other

pod can be 15 minutes long maybe you can watch that um it's worked for us though man at long form and it's working for you the short form seems to be going all right i think yeah how's sean and like sean is a whinger you're a different type of whinger. I think, yeah, well, someone put it quite nicely. Sean moans about everyone else, and I kind of moan about myself, and I think that's sort of... Ah, yes. So he does observational stand-up about how much of an idiot everyone else is,

and I do observational stand-up about how much of an idiot I am, and I think that's exactly what it is. So quite a lot of it is me trying to make him see reason and failing. But yeah, it's just basically us two moaning for 15 minutes. And at the end of it, it's two of the best comics in the country talking shit, isn't it?

But moaning's also so funny. And we all fucking love a moan. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? But at the end of it, it's two dead good comics doing... Yeah, yeah. But then the whingeing.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm not then the wind gin. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not saying fucking Ted Eason and Barry from The Office should start the moaning podcast. I tell you, Elsie's a fat cunt. I tell you, Elsie's a fat cunt. The pod. Is it Teresa and Barry? Yeah.

Barry, we have been hitting Barry so hard as the go-to. Is that your go-to? Yeah. That's your go-to Barry? Yeah. Barry, we have been hitting Barry so hard. Is that your go-to? Yeah. That's your go-to hypothetical? Yeah. It puts a picture in your head, Barry, doesn't it? He's fat. He's not happy. It sounded like you were about to start a football chant, man.

He's fat. He's round. His arse is underground. Barry. No, but Barry's in my head are all a bit chubby, but not enormous. And they're just a bit depressed, and they wear a tie that they don't like. Is there any sexy Barry's?

Barry White? He was a sexy man. Still chubby, though. What does a chubby get? That Barry? Chubby get him. Can you think of a thin Barry? Barry from EastEnders?

Alistair Barry. Barry Hearns. Barry Hearns. Barry Hearns. Barry McGuigan. Barry McGuigan. McGuigan famously thin a boxer whip it like

he was he was thin they called him the thin assassin everything about that man is thin his moustache

the skinny the skinny assassin the thin assassin the skinny assassin that's what they

called him Barry the thin assassin he's good at boxing But he's a fucking ninja At Slimming World Watch this couldn't go Barry Bannon

Barry Bannon That Scottish lad Yeah That didn't fulfil his potential What's Barry Manilow like? Barry Manilow Finn but a huge hooter Yeah

Massive nose Really fucks him on weigh-ins I'd have lost eight stone If it wasn't for this fucking not if he leans forward I think he could talk just about cricket so that his nose

doesn't come into the shout out all the Barry's speaking of weigh-ins I went the other day I weighed myself then went for a poo and weighed myself again

and I put weight on I'm not even messing. Did you step on the scale twice? What? What do you mean? You know, you're meant to weigh yourself on the second time you step on the first.

I know that. Hang on. So how the fuck did you put weight on? I don't know. Did you eat on the way back from a shit? No. Right. A shit antimatter is what happened.

A shit of black hole. Right. Okay, cool. Well, good luck on your weight loss journey because it sounds fucked. What have you been eating? So celery, like you burn more calories. No, okay, cool. Well, good luck on your weight loss journey because it sounds fucked. What have you been eating? So celery, like you burn more calories

No, it was me morning poo. Celery! Yeah. Easy you shout a load of lettuce and actually weighed more after the... It was me morning poo.

I have a poo as soon as I get up in the morning. Me too. That's me, one a day. Well, that's where we differ. Oh, really? I'm one, I get it done

first thing and if i have to have two shits in a day i have at least one poo per meal one poo per minute some people it just registers straight away like i'm gonna that's not right is it that's not right it's not right it's absolutely not right especially when you're snacking a lot as well every time he eats he needs a shit which is a problem when you're eating on the way back from a shit it's a vicious circle what do you think kind of like outside of a kind of illness would be kind of like the most shits you've had in a day if you're not kind of uh a normal but like slightly above average day. Yeah. 11? Jeez. Fuck off. I see.

Not a chance. Your arsehole must be ruined. On a hangover, I get easily into double figures. Are they all new poos? What do you mean? I think it's recycling. I want to tell you a bit of residual shit. Yeah, I know what you mean, yeah.

The other day, I had a second full poo whilst I was still on the toilet having my first one. So I... Like, I had a full poo. No. That's just one... That's just one big poo in two hearts. No, it wasn't.

I would have needed some more. No, no. With analysis from Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville. I swear to God, I had a full poo and I was just comfy and warm because right next to my toilet is a radiator. So I was just sat there just scrolling away. You've got a radiator right next to where you shit. I didn't build the house.

No, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was lack of foresight though wasn't it yeah someone with ibs might live here where where should we put the radio on the radiator no i know but that hot air when that definitely have though anyway i was sat there scrolling and then literally i was sat there post poo for 10 minutes right and i'm just enjoying tiktok after tiktok after tiktok and then i felt something in my stomach and then then I had another one that was, if anything, bigger than the first one. See, I can understand that if you had kids.

And you just wanted to have that extra time in the toilet. But to just stay in the toilet for an extra 10 minutes when you've finished your business is insane. You've never seen anyone with social media like Adam. He crashed his car in January last year. And I would bet that he was in that car for at least 15 minutes checking Twitter before he was like, I better get out of this.

Before he found the RAC. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The police are like, do we need to break out? He's like, two seconds. Two seconds. Just finishing the tweet. In a snowbank.

Lad. Hashtag, get on me. Hashtag AA. But anyway, yeah Yeah I woke up I stepped on the scales Off Back on Got me right number

And It's on the exact same tile In the bathroom Me scales So that it can never Can't be on a different angle It's always that one I got on

I had a poo A big one as well Got back on And I'd put a pound on Imagine how annoying that'd be if you were like a UFC fighter. Oh mate, upper division.

just before the big fight and you were like, don't worry, I've got a shit. Oh, I've misweighed. Oh man, you should have fucking held it in.

How much have you, how much have you spent on the, like, how much are these scales worth? What? How much do you pay for the scales? My missus got them off Amazon. How much have you spent on the... How much are these scales worth? What? How much do you pay for the scales? My missus got them off Amazon. How much?

I think about 300 quid. No. What? What do they do? They're like the big ones. You get them in the doctors. That's quite big. And you've got Joe Rogan and Dana White behind you.

And some girl in a Corona top. With a towel. Do you know when they goan and Dana White behind you and some girl in a Corona top with a towel do you know when they go over and they move the little thing on that what are they doing getting the weight balance

that's the balance when it balances that's the perfect weight it's a really really specific not specific what do I mean accurate

accurate way of doing it because what you you're on £9.99 fucking Argos piece of shit probably yeah yeah

how much are you meant to spend on scales I just think that's the problem isn't that you have pooed dark matter or that you are

some form of anal wizard who can put weight on while shitting it's that you spent £7.99 from index on a fucking

index what a shut up eh from the from the past. That's the issue. That's the issue. Yeah.

I just like to have a shower afterwards. That's my, yes. Yeah. Then get it done for the day. Have you just constantly got a dirty ass? Oh my God. You sounded so Jamaican.

Constantly got a dirty asshole. It's just not possible for me, lad. Like if, You've constantly got a dirty asshole. What is it with white people? It's just not possible for me, lad. Unless Marks and Spencer start putting showers in their bathrooms. Unless you start driving a Winnebago around to gigs. Have you talked about this on here? When you're out in public, will you kind of go for a fancy? I want to make an app.

Find the best public toilets. Yeah. Hotels. Rate my poo station, I want to call it. You are going to find a boyfriend pretty quick euphemism i'll be like oh my god there's just toilets everywhere i'm not that anyone you're like no it's genuinely for toilets lads poo station god damn it yeah there's a couple of really good ones in live pill picture to elton liveton. Liverpool won. Marks and Spencers, they're the best ones. Do you...

Yeah. Like, I'll go to... If I'm in central London, particularly, I'll kind of go into a hotel, and I'll just walk in pretending I'm looking for someone that I'm meeting to sort of, like, get past reception. Which hotel's your favourite? There's one sort of on the way from Waterloo

to the Comedy Store on the left in Leicester Square, and I can't remember what it's called, but, like, whenever... I've what it's called but like whenever I've had to stop you know I've been caught short there you know like literally diverting so you can have a shit at the Ritz are you? Yeah that kind of thing but then I sort of walk in I'm like go on and look at my watch

I'm sure they said did they say I should shit my pants so hang on you do that as if you're looking for someone and then head immediately into the bathroom yeah and do my dirty business. I know where he'll be. You know the sort of hotel toilet where they've got individual hand towels and kind of like molten brown hand washing?

And the receptionist thinks you're meeting your butt like, oh, that gay guy's here again. What time am I meeting him in the toilet? There's no rules against it, though. I don't think they're really that keen on people coming into a big shit in their toilet there's there's no rules against it though like i i don't think they're really that keen on people coming into a big shit in their toilet are they so actually last week we did our secret sunday show in liverpool yeah and i didn't because there's no toilets in pins where we did that show that aren't also customer toilets and because we

spoke about my obvious ibs on this before i knew if i walked into the toilet and any of our listeners see me going to cubicle they'd be like well this is news and we're gonna stay and see and they're weird and they'd want to smell it and no and then we could lose a patron or they'd over the top i was like no so i went back to ben brazil where we'd had our lunch it's quite a walk And I went, excuse me Reigns, I think I've left my sunglasses in the bathroom November the 26th

We walked in It was pitch black At 5pm, dark as fuck Love it And he went, yeah go and have a look And he must have thought I was giving it a good shake Because I was giving it a good shake because I was in there

like the godfather when the gun's hidden underneath the system Ben Brazil toilets has seen some fucking action haven't they yeah

they are a place that just oh the protein yeah they have women come round going would you like more meat and then another guy

comes round and be like do you want more meat they've spent some money on porcelain if your turnaround is as quick as his is you'd be like yeah every time

they slice something up do you want some spiced pork I do just check that's not occupied I love Ben Brazil

I enjoyed that I enjoyed that you were handsome as well weren't you there was something about that Colombian woman with a massive fucking machete and like-

Thank God he said machete. The Colombian woman with a massive machete. How is that not weirdly sexy? She looked like a lesbian version of Salt Bae. You've told me I'm mental for this before or maybe it was Carl.

Women- Power. Power, power. Women who are powerful and attractive, and especially if they've got knives. Yeah, she's working for £8.20 an hour at Ben Brazil. I just found the visual of her with a massive machete in me. Yeah, but you've got to use your imagination.

Just because she's not powerful doesn't mean you can't imagine she is. The machete helps, doesn't it? Sorry. It's like when I say I work for... No, no, no, no. Nilsson, is that your kind of... Hang on, hang on. I let a lot of bullshit go on this. The machete helps, doesn't it? Sorry. It's like when I say I want... No, no, no. Nilsson, is that your kind of... Hang on, hang on.

I let a lot of bullshit go on this. Did you just say women who are powerful are attractive? Just because she's not powerful, you use your imagination. Pretend she's powerful. Is that what gets you off? No, but the machete helps with that, doesn't it? Right.

It's like when I say I like a girl in a tennis skirt. She doesn't need to be a tennis player. A powerful one. Are you just thinking of that Athena poster where she's kind of lifted one side of the skirt up? No, no, no. I like more to the imagination. He's got a big thing for Emily Maresmo. He's big.

Now, a tennis skirt with a chainsaw. What the hell are you talking about? Genuinely, in my head, I'm like, can we go back to you shitting? Tennis scared with a chainsaw in a penthouse apartment. She's got money, a chainsaw, and a scared. Money, a chainsaw.

Sounds like American Psycho. It's a really fucking challenging to quote the late great Jean-Luc challenging wank yeah I'm just I'm into power

what's you know I'm asking a man who's happily married off and had a baba and everything but what's the thing

that weirdly you go oh I'm quite into that do you know what I can sort of see where Adam's coming from from that like Bridget Nilsson

that kind of like yeah yeah I could see that yeah do you know who Bridget Nilsson is what do you know who Bridget Nilsson is

it's that picture isn't it where they're like scared coursing an arsehole no it's Raffi's what do you know who Bridget Nilsson is it's that one no she was married to Dolph Lundgren

you know she's in was she not in View to a Kill I don't know I just know what she looks like she was in Celebrity Big Brother one year and she was in Champions League with United she was married to Dolph Lundgren. You know, she's in... Was she not in View to a Kill? I don't know. I just know she looks like... She was in Celebrity Big Brother one year. And she was in the Champions League with your name. She was in Big Brother as well. It was Yapstan.

What's the picture I'm thinking of then where the tennis game? She was in there with Jackie Stallone. She was married to Sylvester Stallone. That was it. Because that was when... That famous scene when Jackie Stallone came in. Do you remember that?

On? Celebrity Big Brother. And Bridget Nilsson... So they didn't know that they were both going to be in there and she came in. Do you remember that? On? Celebrity Big Brother. And Bridget Nilsson, so they didn't know that they were both going to be in there and she came in and there was that

sort of like massively awkward. Oh, they did a dirty with that. Which goes, yeah, breakies. That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know,

I haven't seen that. Okay, that's all. Adam was having a shit for that bit. He just said a packet of hula hoops he was like gotta go

but Bridget Nielsen is a six foot two three maybe blonde powerful lady oh no I can't have them being tall yeah I find it difficult though

when you like look how fit she was and you're like yeah but now she's like a grandma I can't detach from that apart from with Helen Mirren who is obviously

the goat of milfs but Helen Mirren's extraordinary she's 70 yeah more 70. she's 105 and i smashed the flaps off her i'd literally roll her zimmer frame right on my dick roll it roll what about julian anderson she's in my an elderly no no she's not isn't she the one that used to go through people's people 50. no she's not isn't she the one

that used to go through people's poo she's in her 50s that's Gillian McKee that's Gillian McKee fucking hell she is not fucking hell

what a random X-Files that would be make off Mulder and Scullet you need to get more fibre in your diet Christ

you need some roughage phenomenal how old's Gillian Anderson 54 years old she is 53 but she's like she's old

well she played Margaret Thatcher so she's not that young yeah in The Crown alright I've not seen it yeah she did it very well

Gillian Anderson's pretty fucking good I used to love her X-Files back in the day she's in not Bodyguard what's the BBC one C in the day she's in not Bodyguard what's the BBC one

Cedar Killer one he's in Fifty Shades of Grey as well the fella but she's sexy in that she's an the older lady yeah

but I prefer it like you know when someone's like oh they're hot they're hot they're hot when people shot like Bridget Nielsen

was beautiful but now she's a butch looking nana is she? have you seen her recently? she is though isn't she? she's a butch looking nana. Is she? Have you seen her recently? She is though, isn't she? She's a butch looking nana.

She was in his road. How's Emily Maresmo doing? With a fucking machete. Are you, are you gigging up here? Have you just come up for this? No, I've just come up for this.

Train? Train. Normally drive up here? Normally drive up here, yeah. So it's nice to have a day i am a huge well actually i've not got so bad since i left london but i am someone where are you now you're i'm in winchester yeah oh you're hot you've gone hometown i've gone home yeah

which is nice you hated london though didn't you i really hated london and i think well i know i like london i hated living in living in London yeah and driving in London particularly you know I think that it just got to the point where you'd leave your house and within five minutes

you'd just be like I was living in the last time I lived there I was living in Walthamstow for example so like the parking in my road the kind of

you know when you've got those roads where the cars are parked so the bays are like half on the pavement and half on the road have you got this here yeah

so it means that the road is only wide enough for one car to get down so one morning i'm leaving my house and so it requires someone if there's a car coming in either direction or both directions someone is going to have to reverse yeah so basically getting like a standoff with this with this guy in his car he's sort of like and it's like about two cars back for me to reverse sorry about five cars back for me to reverse and about two cars back

for him to reverse so he's got to go obviously it's your so I'm exactly by the way Paul in this situation

Adam would never you'd never reverse no if I I would genuinely I would weigh it up and whoever it was are the four then the other person goes

but it was clearly on him yeah like it's i'm like mate it's too he's like i'm like going no no no so we're sort of doing this for a couple of minutes and then he turns his engine off yeah and he's just sort of like i am not moving so i'm like i'll turn you become children i've turned my engine off he got where had you got to where did you have to be anywhere i can't remember yeah but like i had to be somewhere do you know what i mean it's an inconvenience he's got his paper out and it's like sort of like really mate and i'm like so i get out of my car he's like ignoring me i'm like mate just move the car blah blah anyway so eventually after a few minutes i'm

like i'm just gonna be the bigger person. Get in my car, reverse back. He starts his car, reverses past. And as he gets closer, he gives me a sarcastic flash of delight and a little smile like that. And I just saw Red. Wow, my window down. And I'm not proud of this. Spat at his car. He spat back.

But hadn't unwound his window. Not an open goal. He just basically spat at the inside of his own window. He spat back, but hadn't unwound his window. Paul McCannigan over here. Not an own goal, he just basically spat at the inside of his own window. He spat on it. Right, I'm telling you right now, honestly, if I was in the race as you were, right, I would have turned my engine off and gone on my phone and I'd still be sat there now. Well, this is the...

I'd have cancelled any gig to win that. Was it in your road? Is this in your road where you live? The road round the corner, yeah. I'd have be sat there now. This is the, nothing. I'd have cancelled any gig. Was it in your room? Is this in your room where you live? The road round the corner, yeah. I'd have gone home. I'd have gone out my car and went home. And gone to bed.

I'd still be there on my phone right now. I know. What would you have done, Dan? I just think the imagery of him spitting on the inside of his own window is so perfect. I know. It's worth all the inconvenience just to know that later on he had to wipe away his own gauze

from the inside of the window going, I won that one. Even though I'm cleaning this. I'm an absolute pussyhole. That's on my head, isn't it? I'm annoyed. Discussori, mate. This is about 10 years ago as well.

As a northerner. It's not just happened. Still having repercussions. As a northerner we think that that's how you have to drive everywhere all the time that's my mental like image of driving in london is like all sorts of like stress and traffic and incredible how quickly you can go with someone you've never met before and probably never will from naught to just hate crime yeah yeah it's what twitter is isn't it twitter is being in your car that that's why twitter's so angry everyone's in their car everyone gets road rage on twitter ah you fucking

because there's no repercussion because you're in your car everything's metal you're sat you're a big robot british people on pavements are really polite apologetic like if you walk down the high street most people are like oh yeah just you know you navigate as soon as you're in a car that's it and you put like a personality on that person as well don't you like on how they're driving you kind of like on what they're driving what they're driving how they're driving you just imagine what this what sort of person you're dealing with in a literal split second you You're just like... I'm convinced I'm right every time.

And I could never... That's probably the reason I could actually never live in London. Yeah, you'd kill someone. I nearly kill people in Liverpool, and Liverpool is generally quite quiet. You're such an aggro driver. Are you? We drove from Compton into town.

It's literally just a mile. Adam is you give it so much. Because everyone else is so unbelievably shite at driving and I'm good at it. And it throws me head in. Are you a good driver or do you think you're a good driver?

It's so easy to be good at driving and just do the right thing. Go on, say it. You're well aggressive. I am aggressive. Have you been a passenger often with- Yeah. We were all just going to the hotel.

You've been having the same? I don't think I've been a journey in the last year, now that I see, when I haven't used my horn. Honestly, you would do anything to tell me, on most things, the same shit, innit? Do you think I'm a decent driver? Yeah, you're a good driver, yeah. I know what I'm doing.

I'm always in the left lane when I can be. You're an excellent driver. I am an excellent driver you're an excellent driver you're good at maths aren't you yeah yeah yeah yeah

he won a chess all on his own once in your life yeah against all odds but I am a decent driver and I just all I want

is people to either be good or as good as me or apologise when they're not. You've got like Messiah complex. No, no, no, no, no, no. What episode was this? Apologise when not. I'm sorry, I'm not as good as you, but.

No, just a little sorry, mate. You walked up there. God's made in Adam's, man made in Adam's image. Yeah, I do. Just, if you're in the wrong lane, then just go, I was in the wrong lane there, mate. My bad.

Little, put your hazards on, wave at the wind there. Whatever it is, just be sound about it. You're right. I've had a lorry swerve at me on the M6 before. Like someone,

and I have, I must admit, done things where afterwards you're like, you were an idiot there. So like when someone's cut me up, I've then gone in front of them and slowed down for them. Oh, I do that literally.

And I mean this. I do that literally on a daily basis. I've got a lot better. I think moving out of London is what kind of made all of that behaviour go away. But you know, like I did carry that with me onto the motorways of the rest of the country. Just turn the engine off.

M6, 82 miles an hour. Fuck you, get the paper. We were driving back from a gig once in Glastonbury when I was living in London, and it was really foggy. And we're driving up the M3, and a car came the other way on the M3. We had to phone the police. We're like, oh, hi, we're on the M3.

And they said, is this about the car going the wrong way? And they're like, yeah, someone's already phoned. Imagine that going the wrong way. Yeah. I put so much money on the fact that that was an over-80-year-old like, grandma can still drive. I'd crash into him, mate. It'd be really funny if he rang the police and was like,

there's fucking loads of people on the motorway going the wrong way. The old one. I'd crash into him, mate. It'd stop the car And I'd get a claim And you'd be dead No 140 mile an hour

Head on collision No I'd slow down to 10 And then just clip him On the side Right Yeah I'd probably I'd probably just let

Grandad die When you talk about Twitter sorry Do you go on You're not much of a Social media sort of I am now Because he bullied me

Into it It's working out I've sold tickets For my tour Dan Nightingale.com before i started working through sort of twitter and stuff like you i do a little bit that place is just i and i still do go on there but like as you say it is just an it's just an argument now it's just no matter what you say i don't know if you saw this story it was sort of in the last 18 months for sure but someone had ordered a hello fresh delivery

you know this thing where you get like the they'll send the exact ingredients to make a meal to your house and uh you can order drinks from it so this guy had ordered the like a two litre bottle of coke and when it turned up what was supposed to be coke was a bottle of piss until this guy had taken to twitter saying like at hello fresh i've ordered my delivery it's turned up um and what just be careful and take that mic with you because your face is so um so so his delivery's turned up and he said yeah tweet tweeted HelloFresh at HelloFresh not happy my bottle of coke's turned up as a bottle of piss the comments underneath it the first one uh I think you should find out the full story before you start tweeting about this you don't know what the working conditions

are like at HelloFresh they might have a real uh like tyrant as a boss and they were stressed so they didn't want to stop for a piss so they've pissed in a bottle and they've got it mixed up how has he become the bad guy he's just had a bottle of piss delivered to his house drink your piss your tory overlord you know what i mean you're gonna complain about going, oh, I've just met police. I've just been robbed in London by someone on a moped at 5.30. And they go, well, I hope the traffic wasn't too bad for him. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what it is, right?

What's going on at the minute? Do you know like when there's something horrendously wrong in the world and then the social consensus becomes, oh, this is bad, so we need to correct it. And always for a period of time there's a massive over correction do you know what i mean right so like with social justice and stuff this is what's happening here for years and years and i'm talking decades my the entirety of my parents generation and probably most of the next one the tagline was the customer's always right right right and then

in the past five or ten years, it's become... The power of... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's become minimum wage staff who are on... You know, they're doing really tough jobs, actually, and they're not getting paid enough for it, and it's really bad, and they should be getting paid a living wage,

which is all right. But because of that, it's become, the customer's never right, and these people are always right, to the point where they can hand them a bottle of piss and still somehow be seen as the right person in that fucking situation. There is a limit where you're like, I wanted spag bol and I got a bowl of shite. You're like, all right, Karen.

What a Karen. I went back to my local chippy recently because they didn't put the salt and pepper shumai as I ordered in the bag. And I'd got it all to take away. She'd given me it all. I took it home. I went back and I was like, there's no salt and pepper shumais in me thing.

She was like, well, it'll be about 15 minutes. And I was like, I can see a tub of them there though. Can I just have them? She went, no, they're for someone else. I went, yeah, but you've already fucked my order up. And you were here first. And they could just be mine, couldn't they? and the rest of their order's not ready yet who's then the fellow was like yeah mine she's like no no i've said there it is and you'll get yours in

15 minutes and i went just keep them and just got off and i was like i couldn't believe i'd give up that fight i was what i should have done is climbed over the counter and stole this fella's shumais. They should have been in my bag. I ordered shumais before him. They were the next shumais that have been made. They are therefore my shumais. What you haven't done yet is cook this guy's shumais. Imagine if you got a criminal record for stealing shumais.

And you just have to read it out in court for a start. And that's the reason you can't go to New York in January. Oh my God, it was our dream holiday. And like, no, those shoe mice were fucking mine. Climbed over the counter. Claims not guilty. I only slapped her out of the way. Didn't punch.

Just get your hand out of them. They're my shoe mice. Even the guy was like, yeah, go ahead. Do you know what a shumai is? I think it's... Is it a mushroom? It's a dumpling. A dumpling.

Oh, right. Yeah, I do know what it is. Pork dumpling. Yes, of course I do. I had one at the weekend, actually. Deep fry it. Salt and pepper seasoning. How have I missed shumais?

Yeah, I can't believe you don't know what a shumai is. It's a very scouse thing, to be honest. It sounds... It looks like a sort of like pie without the lid on is. It's a very scouse thing, to be honest. It sounds... It looks like a sort of like pie without the lid on it. It looks like a bollock without the bag on. Oh, for God's sake. Well, yeah. Which is what they were going to call it.

All that. But then the very wise people of China went, yeah, let's not call it a bollock without a bag on it. That's what shumai means in Mandarin. Yeah, but shumai sounds better than, yeah, I'll have the five bollocks without the bag Nice one Ironically do you want it in a bag?

Yeah I love it in a bag I miss that about gigging up in Liverpool We used to eat like I miss that chippy at the end of that road You used to live in in Chester Oh my god Chips, curry and rice I think about that every time I drive past Chester oh have I got time two pounds forty you don't get that down south chips curry and rice in a oh my god I went to stay I when I live with Danny Mac

he comes to stay once because he was doing a weekend like the store or something in northwest and obviously the house used to be a bit of a comics crash. Of course you lived there as well. I lived there before Adam did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The same room. Yeah, so we've had a weird, we've never really talked about that loads, but I rented that room a couple of years before you did.

Yeah. I remember, that's where we met. Yeah, yeah. At the Laugh-In in Chester. Oh man, I miss that gig. He was literally, right, so he goes, Danny's already gone to,

Danny's getting like fucking Notting Fucking nothing anymore And we're just sat In the living room And he goes What time's it open And I go It's half four And he goes Should we start walking

It's 4.26 Should we go now And I was like I was like Outside the next sale On Boxing Day I was like It's not open yet Paul

You're like yeah But it's got to be At least a three or four Three or four minute walk I'm just going to see Nick Root I just need to be moving towards that food. Were you putting gigs in your diary? No.

Yeah. Paul, that gig's only 80 quid. I know. It's 90 quid in petrol. I know, I know, but. We got to the door as they were like opening it and turning it round to an open sign, like the little Holland's Pie sign in the window. And he was's like all right usual please oh man i missed that i can remember

because you can either have the fruity or the spicy curry sauce yeah it was like two varieties oh my god why is that they did not have that down sound no chips curry and boiled rice not even fried rice and it was fried rice oh really sorry that's all right that's fried rice mate wow if we ever do this takeaway tour paul's just become the winchester leg hasn't he oh man fried rice. Oh, really, Sadie? That's all right, mate. It's fucking fried rice, mate. Wow, if we ever do this takeaway tour, Paul's just become the Winchester leg,

hasn't he? Oh, man. What's your go-to? Well, we just, so many of the absolute reprobates we get on here are like,

I fucking love takeaway. Chris Washington really took the lead on it, and I think, yeah, travels with takeaways.

If we ever do a Winchester leg, who's your go-to down when you've got a home fixture for a takeaway? What's your Winchester choice? So a Gurkha Inn would have to be. A Gurkha Inn?

A Gurkha Inn, yeah. That would be my kind of, for a curry, probably the usual order. Is that what you want to know? Yeah. Yeah. King Prawn Danzac, Chicken Rogan Josh, a little bit spicy. Hang on, you get two curries? Me and my wife

Oh right Yeah yeah yeah As they turn the fucking oven He's here again Hold two curries A pilau rice Garlic naan Occasionally we'll have

The like black tiger prawns If I'm feeling fancy But then I mean That's the top end Sort of Fuck I want a curry I like a Yeah I. I like a... Yeah, I mean, I like a dirty...

There's a kebab van parked by... I got in trouble for saying this. There's a gypsy encampment by... So they were sort of... Well, there's another thing that's different in the north. You're not going to say it?

Yeah, we don't do chips and curry. It's amazing. And we say gypsy as well in winchester in the first half of today's episode dan was doing an impression with his top off of uh gypsies oh really calling out during lockdown i love those uh the calling out videos i see you down the fucking gorka express in Winchester. I'll give you a fucking black tiger prawn. You fucking bastard. I think sometimes you can kind of like get sort of too hung up with the information that you're trying to report on the specifics.

So there was a camp by where we are, living like a new build estate. And during lockdown, there was like a weekend where there was just loads of them came to Winchester. And so I had to phone the police. Sorry, Winchester had a gypsy festival. I said... You had to phone the police. Sorry, we just threw out a gypsy festival. I said... You had to phone the police? Yeah, I said there's a gypsy.

He said, well, hold on. He said, actually, it's a member of the travelling community. I said, all right, a member of the travelling community has shat in my garden. Oh, I don't think we can clip that one we can't we can't I'm sorry

let me be politically correct some dirty fucker from the traveller community has just shat on the front lawn they're not on twitter They're not on Twitter What? They're not on Twitter are they? Carl

We can't clip that out I'll explain to you why After the record if you like Oh yeah Otherwise we're going to get a call out video Going I fucking needed a shit here Look at me now Hey Paul McCaffrey

You pass out bastard You'll fucking turn the car for me now I'll shit on your back lawn, you dirty fuck. All fucking two curries. Shout out to our Traveller community viewers. Thanks for listening

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I think Christmas number one this year and then next year Cannes Film Festival. And in the end of, like, I genuinely think in a few years, one of us should. We should run for Prime Minister. There's not going to be anything left to do. Senator.

Let's run the country. Let's do it. I'm out. I'm already out senator let's run the country let's do it let's do it i'm out i'm already out let's run the country you can be health secretary oh thanks for that for the 19th wave of covid speaking of health secretary i'm feeling fucking jazzy at the minute you know i haven't had a booze in nearly three weeks and i feel fucking good but i did like the other day i was putting the christmas decorations up and the the bottle of whiskey on me fucking back well one of you didn't have a baileys talking to you now you have a baileys when you're there no i just i i just

didn't i just i don't want to shit on your parade i haven't drunk for 11 months today what yeah now you love a booze don't? That's why I haven't drunk for 11 months. Yeah, but McCaffrey gets the worst hangover anxiety ever. Oh, yes. Edinburgh. I caused a panic attack. Do you know what? I didn't know what a panic attack was at that point in my life.

That whole Edinburgh was just like fucking panic attack after panic attack. I felt bad about that for so long long I'd literally just got off the train and the nominations had been announced and I did that thing that is it's not a good thing I was like oh how did they get fucking nominated and I forgot

that I was just coming up for a two day jolly and I'd been living with someone at the time and that was basically all the chat at home, like, and it got in my head, and I'm not trying to excuse it, but I was very much in that. Whingy dick.

I was being a whingy little, and I got off the train and forgot that someone who's done the full month at Edinburgh does not need that in the, like, 20th day of Edinburgh. They don't need someone who's come up for the piss to bump into them i remember exactly where we were we were near the pleasant i was like paul how you doing and you were like oh yeah mate and i was like i fucking got nominated what a fucking prick was an arsehole about it and you started going oh yeah but that had been happening all night like you know not

to take away from but like that was that had been most days up there do you know what i mean like i was just constantly on the verge of like yeah and i i get bad hangover anxiety or you start regretting everything you've ever done and said to everyone i don't miss drinking now it was hard to start with but like i don't miss it at all like but yeah you're a good boozer as well i'm a good boozer yeah do you think you'll ever go back no you're done forever i think i'm done yeah oh sick yeah yeah yeah yeah and you say it's because you love it too much you think it was becoming a genuine no problem i think so yeah i just can't stop once i start that's that's me yeah no that's not true actually i can't stop once I start. That's my... That's me! No, that's not true, actually. I can't stop once I've had six.

I can stop at five and go, that was all right. On we go. Is this the podcast, by the way? Yeah. Okay, fine. He can stop at four and drive. He's like that.

Do you know what I mean? He knows his limits. People don't want to hear that. When you've stopped drinking, that is not Information That people want You go like Oh I'm not drinking enough

What Well you'll have a couple That kind of They're the non-fun people Yeah You can be fun without ale Yeah I think so But

No I don't Yeah I don't think I'll drink again Good Cheers Yeah I think Good for you Exactly That is great but genuinely over the past couple

of weeks i've thought that maybe at some point in my life i will do that genuinely did you hear that laugh that was the laugh of someone who's not supporting you fully i'm always supporting but it's a lie. No, I think I will. I genuinely, I don't think it's now. I don't even think it's in the next maybe 10 years. I'm 29, but I think maybe like- You've got a lot of booze. You're 47, you said before.

You're fucked. No, exactly. But yeah, no, and I drink, you know, yeah. I could see me getting to sort of mid 40s and going, yeah, I'm done. I couldn't see you getting to mid 40s.40s and going, yeah, I'm done. I couldn't see you getting to mid-40s. What, when you're really successful with loads of money? I think you're going to shit yourself to death way before you're mid-40s.

So when you're really successful, probably traveling the world, you're like, no, no, don't want a beer. Yeah? Bollocks. Sorry to bring it back to that, but I actually thought I was going to shit myself to death on holiday in Mexico. Shit yourself to death? I got Montezuma's revenge which is like the fourth

indiana jones it's basically it sounds like a ride at thorpe park they call it that because it can come back for up to three so you get it in like it's a kind of parasite or whatever i'm a bit of a germaphobe anyway like prior to kind of all the hand washing from the pandemic and all the rest of it, I've always been a bit that way. So we went to Mexico. I'd never been that far afield before. Went there on my honeymoon.

And the first week, we're all inclusive. Didn't eat off the resort. I was like, right, let's get our eggs cooked fresh. Let's not have any ice in our drinks. Let's not take any chances. Day one of week two, went to a place called La Isla Majores. The Island of Women. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.

The island of women? Yeah. Sounds great. Can you just say it again? Cause it gave me a dick twitch. La Isla Majores. Oh, you dirty mama. It was amazing, it's like a marriage.

Where is the women there? Is that Ores? Was that Majores? Yeah. Is that women? La Isla, the island, Majores. Ma, I'm guessing is- Hang on. Is that Mexican For my whores

My whores No the island of whores Is that what it was It's that No wonder I got fucking ill Was this a standard Do you want to come To the island of my whores

What is whores Women They're dealing me But it was Mujeres Never mind the ice cubes, boy It's Mujeres Mujeres

Okay Thanks for that Johnny Fax Susie Gimple It was amazing You get a ferry over there And it's like It was like a Mario Kart track

You sort of like Basically there was like Crystal blue sea Tropical birds And there was no cars Like all these old Mexican houses, which meant you could drink while you,

you hired a golf buggy and you could drink while you were driving around. They had drive-through off licenses that were like petrol stations. You pull up, couple of bottles. It was amazing. Couple of Coronas, like driving around, fag on the go.

There was a beach bar that you pulled up to, white sand, crystal blue sea. And you sat on a swing at the bar and they were serving mango margaritas in actual mangoes adam's just started drinking again in his head adam 45 year old adam just started drinking again and it was while i was there that i discovered two bottles of corona and a mango margarita is the exact quantity of alcohol for me to no longer give a shit what i'm eating we stopped at a shack

by the side of the road i bought two fish tacos for a dollar and as i say i almost shat myself today i could see myself losing weight i was back and forward like you like i was like you i was in the toilet so much back and forward so much on day one i just stayed in there on day two watched the whole series of the sopranos i could see myself losing weight in real time and also like bearing in mind this is my honeymoon i'm trying to set a romantic tone who the fuck decided to do away with brick walls and wooden doors on the bathrooms in hotels and replace them with frosted glass uplit you could see my silhouette in there like some weird art installation the shitting man me just in there in silhouette

and then they told me I had Montezuma's Revenge and it could come back for up to three months after the initial infection. Yeah. It was the first, it was usually a song

or like a perfume that reminds you of, it's the first time I've had a nostalgic shit. I think I was born on the island of Hort. Exactly, found myself sat on the toilet

three months after a holiday going, oh, this takes me back. I think I might have been born with that. I think that's what it is. I've been born with Mount Vesuvius revenge. Mount Vesuvius?

Vesuvius. Mount Vesuvius is revenge. That's what it feels like. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. It feels like a bloody volcano. Can I bring the conversation to somewhere else so two dollar fish taco

ran for a few series over there influenced by the the huge american show the stolen from stolen from the bought from the american version yes the american version was first but you were on the british version of impractical jokers and i just want to talk about it because before we were even mates yeah me and carl used to watch that and love it and i think as good as the american one is and obviously they're very close friends from school and there's a backstory of their relationship this was four comics it was you roshan connor see joel domit and maric larwood yeah it was great oh cheers what was that like to me because it looked like the funnest thing in the world yeah yeah i couldn't Roshan Conaty Joel Dummett and Marek Larwood it was great cheers that was fucking brilliant

what was that like to me because it looked like the funnest thing in the world yeah yeah yeah I couldn't believe my luck it was just kind of that was the we were just

pissing about and just doing the sort of thing that I used to do in all of the jobs I had just kind of like you know daring each other

to do stuff and oh man I was gutted that they didn't make it got so and therefore sound like oh joke they are sound comics it was great yeah four very different people it was well cast you know kind of and uh people liked it and then unfortunately the person that sort of commissioned it um moved on from the bbc it was of his baby. He had sort of bought the format and had and then he moved and the next guy that took over just wasn't a fan and

they kind of just moved it around. What a fucking silly move that is. And I felt like maybe if we'd have done a couple more serious things. Did you ever get in trouble? Doing whatever you did? Because you did some like I mean in public. Really? No. My favourite one that you did was the did some like i mean in public no like my favorite one that you

did was the you went to an all you can eat buffet oh my god and you had to take food not off the buffet but off people's plates people's plates but you were so fucking good today because people are literally screaming at you and you just gave no reaction whatsoever it wasn't just like oh sorry or like i remember joel went to take one thing someone went fuck, fuck off. And he went, oh, I'm really sorry. And he ran away. You just looked at them like dead in the eyes as you were taking their rib off their plate. Like, yeah, yeah, this is happening.

And then sat at their table to eat it. I love the bakery one, mate. The bakery one was fucking great. Oh, yeah. That's my French fancy. I don't know if that was Roisin. Yeah. Can I have that?

That's mine. The one people always talk to me about is the chicken when we went to work in a chicken shop and roshim was getting me to like pretend to be a goblin and then kind of like sort of snapping in and out of it this guy but the guy that i think the thing is with these things it really depends on who you get and kind of yeah yeah do you know like sometimes people need to be like you know or whatever but was there a lot of duds to get to those good ones? Of course, yeah. And then obviously a lot of people that wouldn't sign release forms,

so you'd do a great one and then be like, I'm really sorry, I work for the police. I can't be on there. Or for whatever reason. So that would be annoying. You do want to go like, that was, and then like, I can't. Yeah. I think people have got so used to the American one,

which has made those guys very fucking wealthy I think they see the clips of the UK one and go it's not the same because you were on it and I was mates with you and because Marek is great and because Joel as good annoyingly beautiful as that cunt is

he's sound and Roshin's a fucking legend it was one of the few things as a comic that I watched going I'm so behind this yeah and then some of those clips are fucking amazing they are well worth a rewatch on YouTube

yeah it's so good thanks I know yeah no it was just such a shame because you go like for me I was just like I'm off here we

and then I'm like oh no you're not it's uh can I ask a peek behind the curtain and feel like I already know the answer industry secret question about it yep because it's uh can i ask a peek behind the curtain uh feel like i already know the answer industry secret question about it yeah because it's obviously not it's not running anymore so you know at the end of every episode so for those who haven't watched impractical jokers i don't know

what rock you've been living under but you do a series of challenges and whoever completes the least amount of them yeah at the end has to do a forfeit that's right and they can't say no to it it's not like because the other ones you can go no i'm out and you just you get a loss for that one don't yeah and then they get accumulated whoever's got the most losses does the forfeit but the forfeit you can't say no to so for example i think one of them was you had to present your new book to to an audience yeah so they come for a book launch and you had to read a passage but the book was empty. Yeah, so they come for a book launch. And you had to read a passage, but the book was empty, so you had to make it up on the spot. So those four fits, which are fucking brilliant, is that the actual loser,

or did you just all have to do four fits at different times? Well, yeah. So obviously they kind of wanted everyone to have a go at that. So I think perhaps it would usually be kind of how it was, but sometimes I go, we need... We need Paul to do this week's because he hasn't done one for four weeks.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you were too good at it. So you were... Exactly, yeah. Because you could take a rib off a man's plate while holding eye contact. Two fingers up.

So the book launch one was you, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. So you're in a bookstore there's people who've been brought here because paul mccaffrey the author has got his book out and he's going to read a passage of it yeah when you opened that book and it was empty yeah did you not know until that second first time and i was what was that like what was your fucking first reaction to that i mean yeah not as obviously you kind of make it look like it felt worse than it actually did, do you know?

But like, yeah, it was still like daunting. The worst one was I did the one in the science academy or whatever, and I had to go up and give a lecture based on these slides that came up on the screen to a load of actual boffins. And so like this word came up, eptic limelity, or i don't know what it was and i said oh obviously that's based on a greek latin word and this one like bloke went it's greek that sounds like the occasional youtube comment where you go yeah oh that's not true live is a different different beast but obviously we do such shit gigs

You know, you kind of get used to it And it was, yeah I just like the idea of All these signs being told You have this new guy, Paul Apparently quite groundbreaking That's what he says Ectoplasm, that is Spanish

For electric water La Isla Mujeres The island of falls Two dollar fish tacos Spanish. For electric water. La Isla Mujeres. Yeah. The island of... It's false. Two dollar fish tacos. If you've been there, you'll know what I mean. Daniel.

Have we got some questions? Do we have some questions? I mean, we've got to have a words, which I think is good. Do you have a little question? Yeah. Yeah. This one's from Mark.

All right, Davu, Ade, Kabila, and Feké. Yeah, I looked up African names for you, all as I thought it was fitting with your African lady intro. My name is Mark, and I was the large black man who offered my missus to you on Secret Sunday. Paul, just for context there, we did a gig in Liverpool recently. A lovely lady came up got

a selfie with me and dan yeah she moved to the side and then her boyfriend who really enormous guy he got a picture with us and he said the dream for me in and this was absolute sincerity is for you two to double team my missus and adam Adam stopped talking and just started, he literally just looked at me like, what the fuck is going on? It was so awkward. And there's this big black guy going, this is fine. We've got a picture of it.

He posted it. So he says, I blame the reasonably priced alcohol on the night and my secret cook fetish that I like the thought of, but a thousand percent sure know that I'd cry about if I actually went through with it. So it was in the moment.

He was bevvied up. He doesn't actually want us to double team. But he has got the fetish. So my question- Could you fuck a woman with a big black man crying in the corner? It's a question I've asked myself so many times. You know? Because, you know know if Laura's got

if Laura ever leaves you let's say Laura's gone for whatever reason Laura's gone for whatever reason Laura's gone because we did a Christmas number one called

Laura's gone and she went you're a fucking bellend yeah shove your Patreon money we do not get this level of fandom with our podcast

you will yeah I'll tell you what it really annoys me when we don't use shopping bags correctly as well. I've never had someone offering- That's because you're doing 15 minutes.

If you do three hours and 15 minutes, people are like, could you fuck my missus? Just to stop you doing podcasting for a bit, could you fuck my missus? So I'm like, could you do it? What? I'll help you get in the zone. So me and you are over there.

There's a woman, right? She's having a great time. She's lovely. Yeah, nice girl yeah hi is that the black man or you is that your coming face do you need another shit have you snacked while she was getting naked and now you need a shit in fact i'm starting to realize the big black guy crying in the corner is not the problem. It's you. You naked.

I'm a rip, Dan. No, you're not. Fuck, I went to the gym for eight minutes. Dan, I'm a rip. Look at my dick. I've got a rip dick. No, I don't. No.

No. I don't know. The whole cook thing is not. I've said it. The porn, that porn is... I don't know why. I'm going weird with porn. But when you watch the cook porn... I don't know where you are at 47,

but me at 40, I'm starting to worry that I might need to put some sort of parental blocker on my own internet use. I'm hoping that by the... To save yourself from yourself. By the time my kids are old enough,

I'll be like, listen, you've got to do dad a favour. Could you lock me off the internet after about 8pm? Because I'm seriously worried I'm going to see like a koala fucker go with some black man in the corner. I'm like, oh yes, koala porn.

I'm worried about how weird it's getting. When you watch the cook porn, are you the man getting cooked or the one doing the cooking? In your head. Oh no, I'm not the sad cunt with the one doing the cooking in your head oh no i'm not the sad cunt with a little dick cage right but i'm definitely not your boy when i watch that stuff i'm the woman i've spat on my laptop now worse things have happened to that laptop you're the slightly overweight divorcee

with the questionable tattoos like yeah this is my hobby probably should have got into a plea cake dirty old bitch I love it I'm into it

yeah no I I don't know I'm alright if it if there's ever going to be an Eyes Wide Shut party I don't want to be alright all right. If there's ever going to be an Eyes Wide Shut party,

I don't want to be a... Are they lads? I want to do it a long way. Eyes Wide Shut, actually. That's a film I keep meaning to watch. Is that like they're into the mask, kind of like... Yeah, there's a scene in it where there's basically... It looks like a Conservative Party donor party. It's like, oh, my God, it's in a huge mansion.

It's a very high-end dogging situation. I think the reality is that the three-way I'd be involved in, there'd be a lot of ashtrays. Like, I'll fucking out of your ear. Oh, I love you. I love the pub. I can't afford £10 patient, but I am. I've got Eddie Stobart in the background.

Hey, me brother-in-law here, he is a muggle, but he's got the camera. Come on, Dan. I'm sorry about Barbara. She couldn't make it, but, you know, let's not waste the fucking opportunity for content. I'm not into it. So my question to you, this is Mark, by the way.

We've not done this question yet. So my question to you is, boys, is there anything you think you would love or think you'd want to do, fantasy-wise, but if you actually got offered love or think you'd want to do uh fantasy wise but if you actually got offered the chance you'd bottle it uh he says my other fetish is thailand and ladyboys this keeps coming up the ladyboys thing for years i've said i'd do it no problem and it's on my bucket list but i reckon i'd cry during and after thanks for your time lids that's from mark what a strange thing to have a on your bucket list like if you're an 80 year old sort of pensioner is that how old he is no no he's not but i always associate bucket

lists with like older people yes he's got a bucket list have you not got a bucket list have you yeah well actually mental right not gonna a life like as in not just career well tattoo i said recently that tattoo is something that I want. Have you got a tattoo? No, I've never had a tattoo. I wouldn't suit one. I don't want to die without a tattoo. Really?

I don't need to do it with my job. I mean, there's loads of stuff I want to do in Korea. What would you have done if you already discussed this? Some of the fucking... Shite. Some of the jokes. You missed it, Paul. It was that bad, you missed it.

It's all right. Someone will be wanking over it in the YouTube comments. Whoa. Park Jae-sung. bad you missed it it's all right someone be wanking over in the youtube comments park g song imagine having a threesome with park g sorry um yeah tattoo when i was 17 i toyed with the idea of getting stonehenge tattooed around my body jesus christ because i was yeah kind of like kind of hippie. Yeah, piercings. You ever done piercings? Yeah, three earrings. I did my nose once.

I did them all myself. I still got the earrings, but like the nose was just a kind of one day vibe. And it's all scabby. That was a one day vibe? At a festival or just? No, no, did it at home. Nice.

Yeah, got a stud from the antiques market and into it. Nice. Have you ever done pier from the antiques market and into it. Nice. Have you ever done piercings? Come on, Matt. Do you think you'd survive school with a fucking piercing? I think you should do. Come on, bucket list.

Let's get you a little... My bucket list is to get through life without ever having a piercing. That's my thing. What can you do? I can imagine you with one of those ones through the middle of your nose. Like a bull.

Yeah. That's quite a sort of... I quite your nose. Like a bull. Yeah. That's quite a sort of... I quite like that. Like a bull. I honestly... I think it's one of the least attractive things. Is the... Do you?

Yeah. When I see a girl like that, genuinely, I just start thinking of a hog roast. And I start imagining a pulled pork pussy. And that's actually true. And then you get turned on. Yeah. It comes full circle.

Have you seen the gum one? The gum dog. Imagine a pulled pork pussy. And that's actually true. And then you get turned on. Yeah. It comes full circle. Have you seen the gum one? The gum dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the nose piercing is one of the sexiest piercings. Yeah, through the middle. Oh, mate. Love it. Yeah, yeah.

I think the piercing thing just makes me go, oh, yeah, she's going to be fun. No. What about having something private pierced, just for you, so you've got it on the bucket list? What about... Oh, I've got my bellend pierced. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah, right cool yeah yeah yeah he's got a gooch piercing oh yeah and stonehenge tattooed on it as well yeah from before yeah from before can you imagine the face

of the tattoo artist Adam was like right lad I want stonehenge and he'd be like right on me gooch have you got tattoos Adam?

No And we've mentioned this before But it's because I told my mum When I was like 12 That I wanted the Liverpool badge Yeah Which is a very typical thing

For a young scouse lad To want As an idiot And my mum said Don't ever get a tattoo Because if you ever Murdered anyone You'll be easier to identify

Fucking hell Quite rare Liverpool tattoos as well that's incredible that's the faith she had in me as a child yeah he also got retold that at catholic primary school as well it's like lad think on um any fantasies that you like the idea of mentally but you actually reckon you bottle paul what do you think? In the face with the fucking reality, you'd be like, oh, I don't really like S&M. I think contrary to my earlier comment,

probably Bridget Nielsen, I think, might be. She was absolutely banging in 1984. Not for that reason. I just think the kind of physical presence, I'd be like, I'm not sure if I've got the minerals for this. Even if she was chopping meat in front of you. Occasionally, I think I would like the idea of being completely and utterly dominated and then but if i actually think about it for long enough i feel like you would despise it yeah yeah hurt your feeling yeah when she's like you're scum get up i'll be

like leave me alone cunt She's saying that to you. You're scum. You're talking to you. You'd pay for a dominatrix to abuse you and then you'd call her like a fat slag. You're pathetic.

You're a maggot. Well, you're a big fat bitch. I just came to an argument. You look fucking awful in that PVC. Yeah. You'd make a dominatrix and be like,

this is not what I came here to do. Whip over the shoulder. I'm going. I think I'd end up arguing with them. You are. You're on a fucking piece of shit. I'm paying you. You only have 20% so far.

You want to be fucking nice to me? Coffee. Tell Elton John to hurry up. You need a PA. Is that what you're going to do? So you're going to get a dominatrix. She's going to be like, you're a dirty piece of shit. Coffee. Tell Elton John's what he wants. You need a PA. You need a PA. Is that what you're going to do? So you're going to get a dominatrix. She's going to be like, you're a dirty piece of shit.

And you're like, go make me a fucking Americano. You slag. Yeah. Like, I'm going to treat them how they treat other people. I'm going to, if they start moaning, I'm going to just say I'm religious. What the hell? It's like a fucking revenge. They're being asked to do that. I tell you what. the way they've spoken to people over the years is unacceptable i'm gonna go in

there's like no no people have gone in there asking for that i'm like you're gonna make it go down costa full pbc dominatrix and they've been speaking to everyone else over the years yeah i think that's fair enough with its others as you would wish to be treated. What about piss, Paul? What about it? Sorry, I've just been a dick. See, that's something that when I'm hungover, in porn, I like. But I know I wouldn't like in real life.

Well, you've got carpets to think of, haven't you? It's not mine, I only rent. What a way to lose a deposit. As in, you piss on or be pissed on? Either? Yeah. Just water sports.

I think you need to stop drinking earlier than 45. Yeah, hangover's a bit of a bastard. I eat too many carbohydrates. I'm a fucking nightmare for Uber Eats and I also like to be pissed off. If you combine many carbohydrates. I'm a fucking nightmare for Uber Eats and I also like

to be pissed off. If you combine the two, I tell you this, you have to tip the driver. Yeah, I'll have a large doner kebab, 20 chicken nuggets

and will you just piss on me leg? That's what I'm into. That's another thing I've not missed since stopping drinking is like pissing. Do you do that

when you're like drunk sleepwalking kind of? Oh yeah. Pissing in places. Someone. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's rewind. What do you mean pissing in places?

So like pissing where it's not the toilet. Plant pot, wardrobe. Yeah. Washing up basket, drawers, turntable once, lift the lid up like a toilet seat. Sofa. I've done that. Lifted the cushion up like it's a toilet seat. And then come in the morning, there's like a puddle sofa i've done that lifted the cushion up like it's a toilet seat and then coming in the morning there's like a puddle you drink your tips it's not fucking uh

what do you call it cludo i wake up in the morning i have to sort of figure out where it's happened i know what the crime is i know what the weapon was i just don't know which room in the house it's taking place in i once got really drunken uh went in the fridge to got a tin of corned beef i would slice it up and i hid the corned beef all over the house. Sort of similar. What else did you do? You didn't... No, I... He did other things that night

and that's true, Dan. No. I've told that on the podcast before. You've what? You went sleep snacking. No, I didn't eat it. I sliced up a full tin of corned beef and hid it around the house.

What else did you do? You did two other things. Were you there? No, it was a night out that I'd been on and his dad told me all about it the next day. Right. Is that the night I poo else did you do? You did two other things. Were you there? No, it was a night out that I'd been on and his dad told me all about it the next day.

Right. Is that the night I pooed on my shirt? You wiped your arse with your shirt, yeah. Yeah. And you put the cushions

in the garden. Yeah. Put all the cushions off the couch in the garden. It feels really unnerving that so much of my financial future

is tied to you. It's like, it's a concern. Yeah. It was a good night though. It was a good night though. Yeah. Okay now. Yeah.

It was his mum's funeral. That was too fast. No, it wasn't. That was a good night as well. That was a great night. Was it? I know. I wasn't there that night, was I?

Where were you? I know I was. I was, I was, sorry. It was two different nights. The night she I know I wasn't there I don't know was it where were you I was I was I was sorry it was two different nights the night she died I wasn't there you had five aside

when his mum was yeah so the wake I don't know we've got to fucking pitch it eight can't believe you used to do that I used to do it all the time someone

we went away for my birthday and stayed in this hotel in Brighton where the rooms are themed and I kind of got woken up mid piss my wife's like oh that would be and then someone recently posted and stayed in this hotel in Brighton where the rooms are themed and I kind of got woken up mid-piss. My wife's like, oh, what the fuck?

And then someone recently posted a picture of the room that we were in and I was just like, oh, shit. What was that? The themed room? Yeah, so all the rooms were different themed and I kind of like...

Oh, yeah. Didn't you accidentally go to a sex hotel in Germany? Yeah. That was weird. That had like a weird bathroom with like a lot of viewing sort of things going into the kind of street no into the like shower so it was like sort of like a like the shower was like a peep show so you could sort of all sorts of weird shit and he went in yeah but accidentally yeah but it wasn't quite as bad as i've kind of made

out for the stand-up that i did about it but But yeah, it was definitely a bit off-key, bit sort of gothic. They were showing porn in the kind of reception. There was a kennel, wasn't there? There was a kennel there that you could sort of like go into one room and that was a, yeah, different level of kind of... It was a kennel?

So you could go in there, yeah. And didn't you say, I haven't got a dog? And he was like, that's for you. I mean, that was, yeah. Oh, that was the stand-up that you were extravagant. I thought that was real. Yeah, yeah. So you were in a sex hotel accidentally.

You just found somewhere cheap in where in Germany? Berlin, of course. In Berlin. In Berlin, there's the sex hotel. And it's all kinky. What was the breakfast like? Awkward. The breakfast was actually

very good you and your wife and some like sore looking gentleman in a gimp mask being led round the kind of like

buffet no quite that's what you've gone to exactly yeah naughty boy and then just one sort of scouse bloke

in the corner having a go at a dominatrix hey get me an orange juice man you nasty bitch where's my fucking sugar Get me an orange juice, man. You nasty bitch. Where's my fucking sugar?

We stayed in them every month. We used to stay in, well, they're called love hotels. We used to stay in them. And not that kind of thing? Every month we'd stay in like, what, two or three nights, yeah. So they had the kind of weird,

yeah, so there was like playrooms. What the fuck are you talking about? Me and Sadiq used to stay in love hotels. In Berlin?lin no in japan why have you never told me this i have you haven't maybe not listened no no they're kinky though yeah like the bed used to spin and there's like red lights above it and there's all fucking all kinds and yeah that's it yeah i sort of worry about staying in something like that that you're gonna be onhub and then all of a sudden a video is going to come up and you go like

you're not here about that hotel in Japan where they were filming all the guests well he just says he's eating dominoes and watching Netflix so it wouldn't be fucking because we didn't have any I'm going to be on Pornhub

arguing with a dominatrix at some point dominatrix gets what she deserves a taste of her own medicine that sounds aggressive you're not going to kill her are you are you going to do this on top of the pops

hey BBC listen get me a fucking dominatrix and I'll I'll twat her and Elton John you fucking rat dominates Elton John

yeah that would be so rough I imagine if he enjoyed it no Dominate Elton John? Yeah. Oh, that'd be so rough. I imagine if he enjoyed it. No, I reckon Elton is the dominator. He's the postman. Yeah.

Elton's the postman? Yeah. Yeah. Do you reckon? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's powerful.

Oh, my God. You and fucking power. When's this become the biggest thing ever? Powerful men usually like to be subs as well. Kinky Elon Musk, what's up with you? No, I reckon he's the powerful one. Is he?

Yeah. I suppose he's got the bank. I think Ronnie Cray, that was his sort of thing. He'd kind of... Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Powerful men like CEOs like to be dominated because they spend all their day being so powerful.

Yeah, but Ronnie Cray liked to dominate, didn't he? On horses? That's a swat people. He did that as well. It's an horse, isn't it? No. But yeah, it's usually CEOs

and like dominating men who spend their life having to be powerful. They're like, I'd rather just let go and be dominated. That's my outlook on it anyway. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's podcasters who like to be awful back to them. I'm going to fucking spit on you. Break your jaw. Invoice me. Shall we do a have a word? It's been an absolute classic.

Oh, oh, caffers. All good? It's been a great one. Good, good. I need a piss. What? I need a piss great one. Good, good. I need a piss. What? I need a piss really bad. Right on me.

I just need one black man in the corner and then we can do it. Oh, what? You need it? Do you need to go for a little wee? Yeah, I have done for about 15 minutes. Very quick piss break. Go for it. Don't even mean it out there.

Just watch. It'll slide out. We're back in. What? Unbelievable. It's going to look fucking great, that. That'll look good what fucking what

have a words do you know this is meant to be the whole podcast now it's just the final 10% right good Cody says this is the shortest the shortest

most concise have a word in all of our history I think Cody says my husband bought a full-size fruit machine like you'd find in a pub for our family kitchen have a word with him i like that no i won't have a word with him no i've waited with you for fucking taking fun out of this man's life exactly what it's a bit tacky in it though no No. No, it isn't. You're trash. You're hot steaming garbage. No. What?

Yeah, what you win? You don't fucking money back. No, it's fun. What's fun about a fruit machine? It's fun. No, it's not. Winning money is money. I'm with you on this.

No, if it was like a game, yeah. But fruit machine is, yeah, great. But a fruit machine, what's the fucking point? Oh yeah, but let's not bring pinball machines into it. If you've got a big old fucking kitchen, I imagine an extension, and you've whipped out 1,500 quid for a Pac-Man pinball game,

you are a fucking legend. And by the way, I've just decided that that is absolutely on my bucket list. This is trash. No. You've got a fucking gambler in the corner. Can I have whatever he wants?

Leave this man alone. It's probably one of the few joys. She's like even given them anymore. Is it in the house that this guy lives in? What? Yeah. It's not his ex wife. I don't think that's how it that works.

No, but I mean, what's this guy's problem? He has a hen's tail. It's just taking up space. It just looks garish. I think Cody is a, I could be a, I don't know. There could be a gay relationship. Yeah. I think Cody's a lady. Cody's a man's name, isn. It could be a gay relationship. I think Cody's a lady. Cody's a man's name, isn't it?

Is it? Yeah. No, it's both. Oh, is it? Okay. Right. In my head, it's a man's name. It's either a man or a Cody, female Cody sound dirty.

Cool. I'm on your side, Cody, but you sound like filth. Get it out the kitchen. I need a sex swing. Get on me. I think it's absolute trash, and I'm on Cody's side. Man, woman, dirtbag, I don't care. She's right.

A fun game, I get it, but something that is literally just there to win money when it's your own money is tacky and shit. Then that's like, what about people playing kind of blackjack or whatever online, but not winning any money? That's the same. No, it's not.

It's a fruit machine in the kitchen. A fruit machine's literally made. But you might still get that kind of like, you know. Imagine if you had the Christmas tree in the kitchen. If you're one of them, you have two Christmas trees and the kids are like, oh my God, let's do the light. And then you turn the lights off and it's dominated by the flashing of the fruit machine.

Oh, it's trash. Come on. Just turn the fruit machine off as well. So you've got a fruit machine that's not even working next to your Christmas tree. If you want. I'll say if this guy wants a fruit machine, let him have a fruit machine with you, Adam.

I think... Why don't you just leave the man alone? He wants it. Worked hard. He's not asking for much, is he? He wants a fruit machine. Right. Paul, he's a gypsy.

What do you think now? Like, what what arms he causing he just wants he just wants something fun in his life he's not asking for much stop projecting would you have a

fruit machine he's got nothing this guy's got nothing and she's taking it away from him and she's a dominatrix the horrible bitch would you have one

what would you have one no but I would support your right to have one he's so moralistic I will fight to the death support your right to have one. He's so moralistic. I will fight to the death for your right to have a fruit machine in your new house. The one one.

By the way, I'm not... Like, if you're into fruit machines, get one in your man cave. Go to the pub and win real money. In fact, do you know what? I fucking hate fruit machines. Or I hate them in pubs. Yeah, I don't like them at all. What if he's got a gambling addiction

and he's trying to this is a nicotine no alcohol beer yeah he's just playing at home and it's just coming straight out the bottom and he can play again

right so he's addicted to gambling so he's bought a fruit machine for the house yeah it feels weird doesn't it

next what he needs to do is buy entry race cars yep that's the next step put it in his kitchen I mean it was so obvious I didn't say it

but Cody writes nice one Adam he's bought Aintree race course use the winnings on the fruit machine easy

never play other people's fruit machines always play your fruit machine open the back and you steal all the money you win every time yeah but he could make profit on this couldn't he he could have wiped people around for a Always play your fruit machine Open the box And you steal all the money And you win it every time Yeah but

You could make profit on this couldn't you Absolutely You could invite people round For a go of a fruit machine Yeah yeah yeah You are a fucking idiot To use your No yeah

Get a licence Get a liquor licence Start a bar No way Get a licence is there Yeah Come in everyone Off the street

Play Yeah Take bets on horses You can have that on the TV Turn your kitchen Into a fucking bookies And then shoot yourself Because you're scum Why not Why not What's the problem with it on horses you can have that on the tv turn your kitchen into a bookies and then shoot yourself because you scum why not why not what's the problem with it yeah because then you

buy entry like yeah exactly i'm on your side cody no i'm on his side because you sound filthy let him open his bookies paul last judgment um i think he's if he wants a fruit machine, let him have a fruit machine. Paul Scum as well. This, oh, fuck me. What? I've seen how long we've done. No, but we haven't because he went for a shit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did not go for a shit, for the record.

And I have no problem with members of the travelling community. Let me just get that in there. Right, last one. Christmas in mind. All right, lids. As soon as, there's certain words a big giveaway that I know I'm dealing

with a scouser whenever use is in an email will use have a word with my missus I'm a scouser she's Australian

I'm not giving it away no I can read the subtext of this email and I know where he's from he says use like a scouser

hello I'm a scouser from Liverpool born and bred I'm a big blue fucking twat upset me nasty bitch well done Sherlock

yep thank you alright lids we'll use is he scouse have one with my missus I'm a scouser she's Australian

and we live in Melbourne Melbourne Melbourne Melbourne Australia this was going to be Is he Scouse? I'm with my missus. I'm a Scouse and she's Australian and we live in Melbourne. Melbourne? Derbyshire? Melbourne. Melbourne, Australia. This was going to be our first Christmas together, but I've told her I'm not going to earn Mars if it's going to be seafood and shite for dinner.

I know Adam will agree that it's all about a roast dinner at Christmas and one of the lads said I can go to his for turkey. Do you think I'm being unreasonable or should she shove her seafood up her ass? Nice one. John. It must be weird being in Australia like Christmas when it's

fucking roasting. Yeah. And like some poor cunt at the supermarket still got to wear a Santa suit in 42 degrees Celsius heat. Maybe they wear like Santa wife pieces. What's even more annoying is being here when someone you know is in Australia during that time of year and sort of go,

look, I don't know what you're doing, we're on the beach. Fuck off. Yeah. Just have a roast in it. Get bit by a spider. Not your usual Christmas, guys. Hey, hey, look, yeah. Oh, bloody hell, what's this, barbecue? Christmas Day? Oh, hey, look, yeah. Oh, bloody hell, what's this? Barbecue?

Christmas day? Oh, well, yeah. No one's asked. Pray for a black widow. Yeah, just have her roasted her.

Like, speak to, you've got to go to the mother-in-laws. You're in Australia, you can't be that dick. So you're going to have to go, but you're just going to have to convince her through either conversation or threat

that the right thing to do is a roast if it's a real hot one though that's annoying as well isn't it well we don't actually do turkey on Christmas day we do

you're like oh fuck off we actually we have a curry on Christmas day that's what we do you're like oh you tosser.

Yeah. I bet Christmas Day is a right laugh, Randy. So actually, we all go and sit in the garden and we have a curry instead of a turkey. Sit in the garden? I don't know. Please. Hang on.

At least we're different. All right. Okay, I've ran out of ideas The Christmas roast works The sun The roast It's the Yeah

But doesn't it Hang on So I don't do roast I'm not into it On Christmas day Middle of a No So sunny day

You know we're going through a heat wave Yeah You know we're going through a heat wave In this country It's July It's baking We don't get them often We get them

And it's Sunday comes up you've been in the garden you're in your fucking flip flops you've got fucking suntan lotion on them titty and then it's Sunday you're like

better get that roast on do you feel like maybe that's not a roast day what July I'll have a roast in July no heat wave I'm seasonal yeah

heat wave in the UK Sunday roast late September October I won't enjoy cooking it but if someone else made it for me I would I'm seasonal, yeah. Heatwave in the UK, Sunday roast. Late September, October is roast. I won't enjoy cooking it, but if someone else made it for me, I would choose a roast on any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Right. So in a full heatwave, we're hitting record-breaking temperatures

for West Derby, 37 degrees Celsius, frying egg on the fucking pavement. You're like, get them parsnips in, girl. Absolutely. There is nothing in the them parsnips in, girl. Absolutely. There is nothing in the world better than a perfect roast potato. Nothing. There's nothing better. On a sweltering day.

Yeah. You're an animal. I'm not an animal. I'm a human being. Great comeback. Can't wait for that roast we're going to do. You're an animal. I'm not an animal.

It sounded like an appeal video. I am not an animal. I am a an appeal video. I am not an animal. I am a human being. If I was in Australia, I'd be like, shove your roast tatties up your arse. Do you eat it in the garden?

Do I eat it in the garden? A roast dinner? In the summer? No. Eat it in my house. No. He's now... I know what you mean.

No, you're a lox. He's on Adam Island and he's decided to die on it. Adam Island. Adam gets on these islands He's like No And I did it In the last heatwave

Genuinely Ask me Mrs. Sam He once said he had to roast in the bath And we believed that as well So I don't know what to believe here No I would eat it inside Do you eat your dinner outside in the summer?

Yes Yeah absolutely All the time No Regularly though In a heatwave You have your tea out that was why i would sometimes i would but generally speaking i just eat it inside what do you do in your garden

what what do you do in your garden hide things when he's fucking hammered like i mean that's what the garden's for isn't it a nice little table out there you can sit and eat outside i'm gonna say this now, to everyone listening, if there's ever been 35 degrees Celsius and above weather in this country and you're in flip-flops and your shorts,

nothing else, everyone's been sunk, you've got the fucking paddling pool out and you've gone in and made a roast and you come out to your garden furniture

with gravy and pour it on a fucking roast, you're a fucking psychopath. That is mental. Yeah, look at that gravy. Oh, look at that. Oh shit, oh God, it's gone a fucking psychopath. That is mental. Yeah, look at that gravy. Oh, look at that. Oh, shit.

Oh, God, it's got a bit cold. No, it's not. It's getting warmer in the sun. Would you have a KFC in the garden? KFC's best bit is its gravy. Next to the fucking... So you're telling me you wouldn't have gravy outside? You see, I don't like the gravy at KFC.

I'm a joyful for being an absolute fucking haemophiliac. Your mother's thinking of that. Yeah. Gravy's fine. Your beef is with gravy and ironically,

the gravy is made with beef. That's a bit of word play there. How? How? Come back from that one. Have you ever spent Christmas on Adam Island? Come join me.

It's fucking sweltering. I'm having turkey. Dry. The only moisture is the sweat from my tits. Merry Christmas! There's nothing wrong with a roast dinner in the summer. I would eat a roast dinner in the garden. I absolutely would.

I haven't before, but I absolutely would do that. I'd eat a roast dinner on the fucking shed roof if I want to well I'm looking forward to that bit of artwork I don't know mate just you do you just don't ruin your fucking Christmas blowjob

by getting angry about seafood you've got to go like you've either got to be okay with seafood or you've got to fight your corner first or as I always say threats work threaten your mother-in-law with serious harm if she doesn't

make you the roast yeah and if she works for the bbc two birds one stone paul mcafree it's been an absolute pleasure i've really enjoyed it thanks for having me this will go down like a fucking storm it's been a cracker where can people find find you? So on Instagram, Paul McCaffrey Comedian. But most importantly, please listen to our podcast, What's Upset You Now? It's so funny. It's my favourite podcast now. Oh, cheers, mate.

I'll be honest with you, I don't listen to many. Like, I occasionally put one on if I've got a big drive, but sometimes I'll just put, like, the Hamilton soundtrack on and just listen to... We want to get... listen to we want to get yeah we want to do he's not having it

he's like I'm Alexander Hamilton but yeah I really enjoy it oh thanks mate it's really good so there's a few things that we need to plug

but Dan doesn't feel like it I'm on tour next year tickets from Adam Rose no no no no no no you've lost you right now no shut up There's a few things that we need to plug, but Dan doesn't feel like it. I'm on tour next year. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit. Tickets from Adam Rowe. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you've lost your right now. No, shut up.

Tickets from adamrowe.com.uk. All we need is Radio Gaga. Radio Google. What's that? What's that? You don't get the reference? No. The mic stand.

Oh, I see what you mean. Funny. You horrible cunt where you on tour you shitbag everywhere sell they're all fucking sold all summer dates you get a free roast with every ticket in july and you eat them while watching me eat a roast it's called the roast of Adam adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows for my tickets you can get his

but fucking Dan Nightingale dot com are we playing places in the winter roast free extra episodes of this

and early access to public episodes and all the specials that we put out including the one coming out this week it's a documentary of us creating

Laura's Gone very good patreon.com slash halfawaypod and of course it's very important to mention first of all

you need to vote for us in the pod bible awards because we're nominated for best comedy podcast and we're going to fucking win that so go and vote for that the link is in the description

isn't it Carl it is and we're going for Christmas number one but don't worry about it you don't need to oh no you do't need to. Oh, no, you do.

You need to buy it. Pre-order it. Pre-order it. Pre-order it on iTunes or Apple Music. And when it comes out on the 17th of December, just buy it. It literally is 79p. And all the money is going to dying babies. If you don't like dying babies, what's wrong with you? That was the wrong word.

I love dying babies. Helping them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know when you ask what speed's like, it's like you doing those bits, that was what speed's like. Spar smash. Get on me.

Yeah, let's get to Christmas number one because it'll be funny. The charity is just genuinely Like a secondary winner Like great, yeah Some kids might, you know I love dying babies, but it's a funny joke Eye cancer

Yeah, we can continue to make horrible jokes As long as we As long as we Help people How are we still doing this? What do you mean? This? The podcast

Yeah it's going really well Oh no Laura's gone The music video is already out So you can go and watch that as well If you want YouTube.com Slash have a word pod

And if you're watching this on YouTube You don't even need to go anywhere You can just click the you know what I mean are we done we're done Paul it's been a pleasure thanks so much

really enjoyed it love you respect you glad you've got to watch this go ahead get on me you got it