Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #15 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

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Thank you. Okie dokie, pickin' a pokey. Good morning, job seekers! Oh my god! Okay, it's happening! Catch me outside, how about Dave? Is that Dave? No, there's no Uncle Dave here.

Okay. Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two leads, and a lot of time on their hands. Disgusting! put the fucking mic on do you know what's getting really bad because we're doing this every day you we've started

this now because you've got something to tell me but you don't want to waste conversation without recording it we're not allowed to talk to each other now unless we record it well to be honest you may have been we've been like comedy mates for what five i've known you 10 years yeah but we've been comedy mates gradually getting closer closer. But I would never have listed you as one of my good mates. Like, we never did phone calls after gigs. No. And in three months...

Like, if we... If you went, Matt, I'm not doing the podcast anymore, it'd be like a fucking breakup. Like, actually, why won't you let me call you anymore? I just want to sit in a room with you and fucking stare at you.

But I was just... I just rang you then to be like, mate, come in the back because Etta and my brother-in-law might have a little nap in the front room because he's doing all the childcare so he can sleep when he fucking wants. And you were like, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, oh yeah,

how are the roads? And in my head I was like, why are you wasting this? This isn't a phone call. This is fucking podcast fodder. So what's your beef? You said your son's upset you? Shit's got serious in this house, Adam.

Okay. My brother-in-law's here. He is, yeah. Did an emergency drive to Sheffield to get him. Roads were quite quiet. This is a comedy thing. Never done Sheffield in an hour and 28 minutes. Wasn't even speeding.

I told that. Just fucking, no zombies. I've just done my daughter yeah which normally when i i like i don't put it on the saturday anymore because i'm very aware of the way um it's normally like 56 57 minutes it took me 32 there's no like when we go back to doing like the normal life and i've got a drive over here i'm gonna fucking resent this drive because at the minute i feel like you know in a film when someone's driving through like route 66 in america and they're the only car in the road the sun's it's a gorgeous day as well i have my windows up but like um the the air con on my feet so like the car's cool but i'm getting the sun on

my face i've got the Hamilton soundtrack on I'm singing my head off it was I've got to be honest with you the drive over here today is like it's going to take

a good podcast to top how good that drive was this is what people don't want to hear and I'm not making we are making light but I'm not making light

of some people who are having a bad time so far this shutdowns are very enjoyable I'm having a really time. So far, this shutdown's very enjoyable, isn't it? I'm having a really good time and I know we've lost all our income and think backs against all.

But that happened a week and a bit ago and I've got a coping mechanism that's pretty strong. I'm like, yeah. I'm not more skint. Yeah.

I'm just as skint as I was last week. Yeah. So we're financially fucked, but it doesn't really matter, does it? But my brother-in-law's here. Yeah. And now I'm having to sharened as I was last week. Yeah. So we're financially fucked, but it doesn't really matter, does it? But my brother-in-law's here. Yeah. And now I'm having to share a bed with Laura.

Oh. Yeah. Like a normal man and wife. I don't like it. You don't like it? She don't like it. She sleep heavy. She's big bone,

heavy structure. Oh, no. If she pull her shit out this whole room, you're done. Kick it. Every time, every time, Laura, i've watched so much black american comedy that it is a problem and laura gets it and she we went to see kevin hart together a few years ago she likes kevin hart more than i do which is a major part of the reason we work as a relationship because then when i do chris rock bernie mack kevin hart

references she's not like why would you say that? Every time she's wearing a dressing gown, and I love my wife's body, by the way. She is a sexy woman. She's big bonks, she has a structure. She's a fucking woman. And her leg comes out and I see her thigh. I go, mama, I got the big piece of chicken.

That's right. Daddy like the big piece of chicken. My wife daddy like the big piece of chicken my wife is so fucking sound that this morning she got she opened like she sort of got off the bed her leg came out and she went there is big piece of chicken i was like i fucking love that woman do you know i love her this so me and jada's also the opposite of that we have nothing in common and last night right very unprofessional

but I need refreshment Adam your chat gives me a dry mouth that was a gay sorry about that there's nothing wrong with being gay

it's fine you made it weird now why you're being homophobic again like yesterday I want to see a little piece

you know what did you see the tweet yeah there's a there's a couple that are listening to us two girls and they're doing long couple yeah just a couple see adam just a couple now who's fucking homophobic i'm i'm you see not ignoring the historical abuse and prejudice they've suffered oh God, I am starting to know you so well. When you do serious face, your eyebrows do a different fucking formation. You just did it to me then. You just became like a fucking,

a conservative cabinet minister at the lectern. I was like, oh my God, Adam's doing serious brow. I'm not ignoring the historical difficulties of the lesbian community. Exactly. It's ignorant to not call them a lesbian couple. What? Because they go through more prejudice and abuse than a heterosexual couple do.

They're a homosexual couple. They're a homosexual couple. Hang on. No. Because that's like the wedding thing in it. When you were like, it's a gay wedding. And I was like, no, it's just a wedding. But it is a gay wedding. Yeah wedding but it is a gay wedding yeah but it is a gay wedding but you can't call it a wedding they're a couple they're a couple they are a couple but they're also a lesbian couple and i

think it's more politically correct to call them a lesbian couple no it's no it's not it's what that whole thing of like they're a gay couple is like you know when your mum it's like someone's mum's trying to be like like, cool. Like, it happened in, like, late 90s, early noughties. Like, hey, they're a couple. We've got gay neighbours. They're a couple. And it's, like, not said, but what's being said is

there's a subtext of, like, and it's fine. But they can't... Honestly, my stepmum has got... They've got gay neighbours, and they've never called them their neighbours they're always like the gay neighbours and you're like

guys right this is where there's a league table of douchery right and the bottom is they're fucking gay oh

and then they're like the one up from that is like yeah they're neighbours but they're gay neighbours and the one up from that is they're people they're neighbours but she's always like the gay neighbours we've got gay neighbours and the one up from that is they're people they're neighbours but she's always like

the gay neighbours we've got the gay neighbours like it's a fucking accessory that's why gay neighbours are such good friends

I can't remember what we're talking about completely fucking lost the plot what I was saying is me and jade have got nothing in common how do we get to lesbians i don't know you're a lesbian just let it happen just have you got lesbian eyebrows i think you've got lesbian eyebrows yeah my lesbian eyebrows that's what it is just tracking back everyone that's listening is like we know exactly what you're talking about you're a pair of fucking morons.

Anyway, tell me about your serious lesbian eyebrows. So, a couple of weeks ago, me and Jade had a rat in the kitchen. Nice. There was a rat in the kitchen and we had to get an exterminator out. Nice. Mate, say that again. We had to get an exterminator out.

I've never heard exterminator in a fucking Scouse accent. It just did something to me. Fucking exterminator i've never heard exterminator in a fucking scouse accent it just it just did something to me fucking exterminator i have to get an exterminator out oh you run the plane his name his name was lee as well and uh he was the most like if you were casting pest control man in a movie he's like yeah they're in they've been in there's all in in back of sync they've got in there and i'm telling you right now is that a picture of your dog on fireplace that's a rat killer if that gets old of any fucking rat it's going to shake it to death and eat it and then your dog will get sick you do not want this to fucking happen in your house wow he was incredible but i was popping

around i was bouncing around the house for the next day, singing a There's a rat in me kitchen, what am I gonna do? You know the song, there's a rat in the kitchen, what am I gonna do? There's a rat in the kitchen. What? I know you sing every feature now. Have you never heard that song? I honestly thought you were gonna change the lyrics to

a well-known song. No, that's a well-known song. What is it? There's a rat in the kitchen, that's what it's called. There's a rat in the kitchen that's what it's called where's the rat in the kitchen we need it louder guys pause whatever you're doing listen i want you to sing that you're under singing so sometimes you go very loud are you doing an interview why do you have to always do an accent? Jesus. Are you ready? Right.

Wipe down your lesbian eyebrows. Serious brows. Oh, they're funny brows now. You're doing happy brow. Right, go on, go on, do it. Oh, day three of the shutdown. Daily's on. We've lost our fucking minds.

Go on, do it. Adam, you've gone purple. I think you've got fucking COVID-19 brows. Oh, coughing your fucking elbow that low. Wait, there's a song. From who? You're going to make me check this? Because I'm not making this up, I swear to God.

Your mic's fucked, go on. So it's by UB40. What? It's now famous. Could you skip that head then? Yeah. You ready? Yeah.

Drop it. Drop the beat. Turn the music up in my headphones. They were like white reggae, weren't they, in the 80s? Early 90s what the fuck so the song is called rat in me kitchen

now this story red red wine I can see red red wine was a bigger hit there's a rat in me kitchen now what

they're gonna do I can't believe you've never heard this I thought you were doing an Indian accent you're actually doing white guys doing a reggae voice

yeah yeah and it was quite accurate wasn't it there's a rat in my kitchen what am I gonna do there's a rat it's actually the song

we're playing out with today you've ruined my story by not knowing it though because I thought everyone knew that song so I've been singing it for a few weeks and last night

I started singing it and Jade went what the fuck is that song and I was like it's a rat in my kitchen what am I gonna do obviously and she went why are you singing it I was singing it and Jade went what the fuck is that song and I was like it's a rat in my kitchen what am I going to do obviously and she went

why are you singing it I was like well we had a rat in the kitchen a few weeks ago yeah that bit makes loads of sense and she was like oh I thought you just made that up she thought I had the

the level of songwriting ability of you before do you sing everything in your life now I do sing quite a bit there's a lump in my breast what am I gonna do? That's gone very dark very quickly.

Is there something you want to tell us, Dan? There's a rash on my testes, what am I gonna do? Can't go to the doctor. Shit, that's serious. What if you got a fucking rash on your balls right now? You'd have to just ride it out. Have you? You couldn't get COVID dick, could you?

COVID dick? No. What if you got corona dick athlete's dick if you got athlete's dick right now you're gonna have to treat it at home oh mate just have to get the spandex that's gonna be a big problem isn't it that like there's gonna be people with other health problems who can't get access to treatment prince charles has got it he's got the rona you see that before did you just shorten it to the Rona? Yeah. He'd be all right, though, wouldn't he? Yeah. He'll be all right.

You reckon? He's 70, aren't you? Yeah, that cunts with Booper. Do you know what? I put that on Twitter, because loads of people were like, I can't believe Prince Charles is being tested when there's normal people with more severe symptoms who can't get one. I was like, do you think he went to his local A&E?

And I was taking the piss he did he's been tested by the NHS sorry just to check he lives in what is he living in

Aberdeen shit it was oh right yeah I thought he'd be with Bupa or one of them but no do you not think

he'd have his own doctor I thought so if I was the prince like first in the line mate I would have Gillian McKeith Like having a look at my stools Like Henry VIII style She's gone in hasn't she

No but She'd be my royal poo physician I don't want a private doctor Gillian McKeith would be your first choice I'd be your private doctor We've gone haven't we A little bit Yeah you don't want to

you know there was a warning because I've got the chainsaw out for zombies and gardening and I've been doing the hedge had two bonfires consecutive nights that's how you know something's gone weird in my life

and happiest I've been in March fucking loving life not even waiting till November loving life and there was a

literally a government warning like just be careful with fucking garden tools, dickheads, because you've got no time on your hands. The weather's nice. Don't chop your fingers off, because you're fucking, you're going to lose the fingers. I feel like someone from the government...

You've got to make decisions, mate. If it's a little finger, you're like, what do I want? All my fingers and coronavirus, or nine fingers and to live. So would you rather? Well, I'd just lose a pinky. Yeah. I'd go for a thumb. No, you'd rather lose a little finger than a thumb.

If it was a little pinky that I just chopped off doing the hedge, I'd brave it out like a big boy. Yeah. But if it was a thumb, I'd be in the car. Give me my thumb and corona. I want both. Okay. Go on, tell me about Jade. Yeah, she didn't in the car. Give me my full-man Corona. I want both. Oh, okay. Go on, tell me about Jade.

Yeah, she didn't know the song. And you felt there was a problem between you because of that? Well, she thought I'd just been making the song up. I mean, you're both right. I do sing a lot of just nonsense. No, but not if you find a lump. Probably would, to be honest with you. There's a scrape on me knee.

What am I going to do? There's a scrape on me knee. At the gonna do at the local gps okay uh adam rowe to dr singh room six hello adam hello doctor i'm feeling pretty shit come and sit down and have a look at it keep going that was the best i could do i I thought I did really well to do an Asian doctor called Dr. Singh. I thought that was a quick pun that. Yeah.

And then I'm out. Can I tell you what I mean? Laura having problems. Yes. We're sleeping in the same bed. You told us before. Well, we're getting back to it. Okay.

Okay. Full circle. Go. Yeah. And that means I'm not in the spare room. Hashtag my actual room where all my clothes are. The bed that I sleep. It in the spare room. Hashtag my actual room where all my clothes are,

the bed that I sleep. It's my fucking room. Basically my brother-in-law's in there. Washer seats, not an animal. Right now he's in and he's welcome. Love him to bits. But that is really affecting my ability to masturbate.

Okay. I have no safe place. I can't wank in here. That's unprofessional. I got this, you know, I can't go to, I that's unprofessional I can't you know I can't go to I don't wank next to her

but you could though you could just have a word with her and go listen Jade let's have them do this let me do it see

you called me a bit weird a couple of weeks ago and now well I rolled over last night there's a wife in your bed what guy are you going to fuck all

there's a wife in your bed leave her guy are you going to call? There's a wife in your bed. Leave her alone. I'm on warning. I'm on warning. You know the government shut down? Yeah. My wife's put my dick on shut down. This morning she went,

did you get a little bit filthy earlier in the night? Like as we were waking up, I was like, yeah. She went, don't do that. No, don't do that. I was like, what do you mean? She was like, no no it's just not appropriate I've got my brother no

I'm stressed I've got anxiety I'm working from home no just sort yourself out there's no way to sort myself out I haven't got

so you know what I'm going to do Adam no look I've got a solution for you at the end of the podcast today you tell Laura we were doing some adverts I'll stand in the corner

and face the wall and you just crack one out in the corner she'll think that's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life I'll fucking Blair Witch wank with you in the corner

facing the wall how much of a fucking freak I've cracked one out on a National Express bus and you stood in the corner of the studio facing the wall singing my mate dan's

i couldn't do it i promise i won't sing i'm just saying it gives you the space and she'll think you're doing the podcast i haven't had a wank for 48 hours that's a long time my wife will not you know yeah i'm a fucking i am a racing car and I need to be serviced. Why don't you just do it while you're having a poo? You're a silly man. This is a comedy podcast and I think you're a silly person. So I haven't, I haven't,

I haven't had any release. Or just pretend you're having a poo. What? Just go and sit on the toilet and have a wank. Oh yeah. And just occasionally make a poo noise.

Like you're struggling. What would you drop in? A little bit of toilet roll. You can't waste toilet roll. No, yeah. And just occasionally make a few knees. Like you're struggling. What would you drop in? A little bit of toilet roll. You can't waste toilet roll. No, just... How do you make the plop sound? Just don't. Just say it was like it hit the porcelain.

And just like every now and then make a... Like you're struggling. No, I don't want to wank in the toilet. Why? I don't like it. That's where poos happen. I'm trying to help you there. You won't wank in the toilet.

You won't wank in the toilet. I can maybe go shower. But poos happen I'm trying to help you there You won't wank me out of the bath You won't wank me out of the bath I can maybe go shower But you know what I'm going to do? Guys I'm going to make this pledge I'm going to make this vow I've gone 48 hours People are suffering

People have lost their jobs I thought you seemed a bit tetra Adam's singing About illnesses I'm going on I'm going on wank lockdown No I'm going on wank lockdown. No. I'm going on wank lockdown. You're going to be a fucking nightmare tomorrow.

You're going to get super stressed, and I'm going to have to deal with it, Daniel. How are you going to deal with it? Stand in the corner, blow it to me. I don't know why you don't just do that. Or wait until it goes dark and do it in the garden. You know, this will be like my version of Lent. I'm just going to, I'm not going to masturbate.

You're going to go mad. You're already locked in your house. You can't not wank. One of my issues with not masturbating is because I think genuinely, I think girlfriends who are like, don't, shouldn't be watching porn. It's disgusting. If you watch porn, you're essentially cheating on me online in your mind. You're like,

I don't, any girl who says that is playing with fire. Also, any girl who thinks everybody in the world is not cheating on them constantly in their mind

is deluded. It's thinking, we're just wired. Most of us are wired that way. It's important. I honestly, if I don't get that regular pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa,

I'm out there. You're sending, honestly, it's a fizzy bottle of pop and off I go yeah exactly so don't be fucked and then someone touches the cap

and I'm like exactly like someone's jammentos in there you can't go fucking Lent you can't go three weeks shut down but I can't shut down

I'm locked in the house what am I going to do cheat on Laura and fucking co-op no it's safe this is the time medical

this is science will benefit for this you've got options either i stand in the corner do it in the bath do it in the shower oh soap wank's not good though is it don't use the soap where does the where does the special go the cum all right fucking king of euphemisms Thejismism.com Jesus Christ. The jism. The sperm. The knob rot. You just go down the sink.

What, from the bath? Just pop it straight into the basin? Yeah. Oh, you've got good trajectory there, kid. Come in the sink, yeah. No, you could just, like, you'd have to maybe just lean over. You've got, like, an old dick, haven't you?

What? You've got an older dick. My dick's older than me. Honestly, I'm a 39-year-old man. I've got the dick of a fucking 63-year-old pervert. It looks old. Honestly, I've relatively good shape quite you know healthy 39 year old my dick looks ill looks like a miner's penis white yeah so when you finish it's just it's

just dribbling out in it it's not like shooting no i've got a little bit of pop i'm telling you right now i am doing this we're 48 hours in for everyone that's suffering I'm there with you this is my no one else is not swanking during the shutdown and the listeners it's bad for your health

it's bad for your mental health it's going to be bad for your marriage it's bad for my health you're going to be you're going to explode clogged up yeah

you need to wank in fact I want to take a break from the podcast in a minute so you can go and crack one out no you need to go somewhere I'm doing this for I want to learn about, I want to take a break from the podcast in a minute so you can go and crack one out. No. You need to go somewhere. I'm doing this for, I want to learn about myself. I want to see how far I can get.

Oh, you're going to learn that you're not bad. Day two. Day two. Day nine. And Dan's on the roof wanking on pigeons. Dan's got an erection while watching Nanny McPhee. Not even the end when Emma Thompson's fit. The fucking start when she's all got a fucking snaggle tooth.

Oh, look at that wart. Go on, bang your stick. You will be? Yeah, I want to see what happens. I'm not looking forward to this. I feel alive, Adam. I feel more alive than I've ever felt. I'm not looking forward to this.

If you want to do it, hashtag Dan's not wanking. I'll tell you what. Shut down wank. Shut down wank ban. Send us a message either on Twitter, Instagram, or you can even email us and suggest ways that Dan could relieve himself without, you know, kicking his anxiety off or something. It's not going to be with you.

I mean, I know it's a comedy podcast, but sometimes you put your little serious lesbian brows together and I believe what you're saying. I would do that for you. The good of the podcast and your health. Disgusting. Shall we crack on with this? This has gone weird, hasn't it?

It's just talking about me not wanking. It's a nice change though, hasn't it? A lot of the time it's just where I've wanked, now it's where I'm not wanking. Why don't you just get a bus? Let's not run. No, that's not safe. Is it?

Legally. I don't know whether you can catch it from... What? Why is everyone wanking on that? Stay tuned to see what... The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. The podcasters on the bus are dirty pears. Let's crack on.

Or not. I don't know about you, but I'm feeling triggered. It must be have a word with Adam and Dave. So, Adam. Yes, Daniel. I've been very organized. You know, I'm horny, but organized. That makes so much sense now.

Because you text me. You sent me a voice note this morning saying, I've organised the whole Gmail. I've put it into categories of songs, would you rathers, have a words. You've sorted it all out. And I was like, oh, Dan's got like a little kick here. Where's he getting this energy from? If this is how it manifests itself,

I'm more than happy for you. You'll be fucking admin kick. You'll be doing my emails and invoices by the end of the week. Do your tax return with a bonus. Send it to HMRC with me, fucking. Anyway, we start with the ledge of the day because I love that we've done this yeah and it's important this

has been sent to us from josephine fucking hell i am horny that's joseph and i've just made it josephine this is from joseph joseph nicholson who is an attractive young man ledge of the day hi lads it's joe My little sister has been writing cards for the coffin dodgers in the oldies home. That's not how she's referring to them. What up, coffin dodgers? You're not allowed in anywhere. Have you seen the cards?

You don't know that. Maybe she is. She's just like, she likes fucking really edgy banter. Dear Auntie Margaret, now, obviously, you're probably not going to make it to winter. You are, bitch.

But in the meantime you cough and dodging fuck here's a nice picture of a garden of junk from maggie eight um uh so maggie his sister loves the video of adam with his thigh eye story with this oh yeah the on your stand up yeah Maggie is an utter gem of a human and I'm proud to call her my sister oh bloody hell

yeah that's for Maggie she's written these letters to make them feel better and not neglected and they're sending to the old people's home off her own back

she's doing I don't know how old she is but he tweeted a picture of her she's about eight it's a little fucking ledge so Maggie you're not allowed to listen to this podcast

but Joseph stroke Josephine you can be who you want it's 2020 yeah you could show her this bit he listens so he could show her this bit

yeah but don't show the bit before or the next bit I'm just being cynical here I'm sure Maggie is a legend today but what if she's just trying to wear my way into someone's will? Okay.

I think... I think... I think when it's... What if she's going... And it specifically says the lonely ones, so that's the ones with no family in it. She's right into the ones with no family, going to be like,

I drew you a picture. Can I... Can I have the house? She's not Karen. She's a genius. She's the youngest venture capitalist in history. Hi. Do you have any loved ones? My name's Maggie, and I'd like a bigger trampoline. the house she's not kind she's a genius she's the youngest venture capitalist in history hi do you have any loved ones

my name's maggie and i'd like a bigger trampoline um yeah don't let her listen to that last bit but uh but joseph let maggie know that she's a

fucking ledge of the day uh we've also got a twat of the week because we can't all do positivity can we uh pooja verma who is one of our patreon uh supporters thank we've also got a twat of the week because we can't all do positivity can we Pooja Verma who is one of our Patreon

supporters, thanks Pooja and also has a fucking cool name patreon.com slash have a wet pod Pooja Verma has offered up a twat of the week guys you are making me giggle so much and already looking forward to a live show thank you so much for the pod

as a patron she'll get free tickets to that uh live show she will uh whilst listening i thought i have to do my bit so here it goes um twat of the week goes to my mother oh that's high risk in it especially at the minute yeah on mother's day on's Day, we already order flowers for her. We always order flowers for her. She decided she wasn't happy with the flowers she received from Moon Pig and made me send the following complaint to Moon Pig. Feel free to read it out loud. Just pause the tape.

I didn't know Moon Pig did flowers. Moon Pig do all sorts, mate. Moon Pig's a fucking absolute belt of a you forgot your anniversary. Is it? Oh, yeah. Next day delivery. Oh.

Oh, is it? Yeah. Cards. It's like Amazon Prime for when men have fucked up. That's what Moon Pig... It's the Amazon Prime of regret. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what Moon Pig should be brand as. It might as well be www.youfeellikeacunt.com. Have you fucked up? Have you forgotten an anniversary or a birthday? Come to moonpig.com. Have you got a JPEG of your partner that you want to put on a mug? If you pay an extra 12 quid, we won't write Moonpig on the back of the card, and she'll never know it's from us. Where did the name Moonpig come from? It just sounds like...

You're mad. Nice one. We'll come back to that. You're mad's a fucking moon pig, lad. So, Pooja Verma, old ma Verma, made Pooja

write this complaint to the complaints department of moonpig.com. To the complaints department! Nice and direct. I ordered the flowers

for Mother's Day. Please see order details below. Now, she sent us a picture of the flowers. I've seen worse. Yeah. But if you told me that they'd been nicked off the grave of a dead person, you'd be like, yeah, they're about four days old.

Okay. Moon Pig, I would say, not great for flowers. Okay. Unless they want to sponsor us, and then I'd say, great option for flowers. So she's made those. See order details below. I am not happy with the delivery. Firstly, they arrive late.

Secondly, the bunch of flowers look dreadful and they need to be thrown in the bin. I'm disappointed that this order has ruined Mother's Day for my mother. So Pooja's mum made her write that. Because if you were like, Pooja, did you write that of your own volition? Because that sounds twatty. With the current situation of what's happening regarding coronavirus,

a nice bunch of flowers would have cheered me up, but you have ruined her day. I mean, the thing is, my verma, I'm not saying you're a full-on twat of the week. I wouldn't do that. I mean, your daughter is. But with everything that's going on in the current situation in the world, you know, people dying, people scared, people out of work,

I would have liked a nice bunch of flowers. See, here's the thing. This is like me and Jade, this. Because if something goes wrong like that, if that happened to us, if I bought Jade those flowers, right, she'd be like, you need to complain and get your money back because these are a fucking joke these flowers are shit and i'd be like no she's like it cost you 15 quid don't you want your 15 quid back and i'd be like look i would pay 15 pound more to not have to write that email oh i'm so with you i just i can't any

admin i just can't be asked the the worst thing in the world for me, I hate it more than anything, is being on the phone. I can bear a phone call with a mate for 15 minutes if I need to. But like, if anyone ever rings, like if someone rings me for like a survey or any, or if I've got a, our Virgin TV thing, you know, like in the first year when you were like a TV subscription thing, like style Virgin. Always on a good deal at first.

The first year. Like a heroin dealer. Let me get you involved with some Gucci. And then like 11 and a half months in, you're supposed to ring them and go, we're canceling. And then they give you essentially either the deal you had in the first year again

or whatever. That's coming up. And I've offered Jade a hundred quid to make that phone call. And the reason I've had to do that is because last year she did it. And she was like, but you're doing it next year. And I was like,

I promise I will. But the, the anxiety and the anger I can already feel from having that phone call with some content, a call center in fucking Coventry. I can't. And shout out to everyone who works in a call centre who gets the job done, because when you speak to someone and they're good and they're

efficient and they help, you're like, oh my God, thank you so much. I just hate the patronising. Well, the thing is, the thing is, you did sign up to these terms, so that's the thing. I'm going to have to pass you on to another cunt who doesn't care either. So the next one is going to be Stephen.

Hi Stephen, we've got Mr Rowe on the the line i hate that when you hear them pass over um what is your price though because i'm totally agree when it's like oh if you ring up you get 10 pounds off i'm like suck my balls for 10 quid but then airbnb i've just been through the Corona complaint and I was like, oh, it's just going to be fucking balling but it's 680 quid of refund and that's the price when I am bothered. What's your price for being bothered? 150.

Basically, a circuit gig. A gig. Yeah. I'll do that. But I'd still be pissed off about it. Do you know what I never want to become? That tight-arsed old dude who's like, listen, fuel is 122.9 pence here. Ridiculous. If I go round the corner to Morrison's,

it's 119.9. You're like, dickhead, that's a three-mile journey in traffic. So how many litres? Because all men are like topping up. It's 10 litres. It's 30 pence. That's another argument we have.

You're wasting time and fuel to save 30 pence. Choose life. Just take the 30 pence hit. We've got a BP garage by ours, which is like 127, I think, or 126.9 or whatever for petrol. Well, diesel. And the Asda, which is a bit further away, is like 122.9. So there's like a four pence difference. And Jade will go and the asda which is a bit further away it's like 122.9 so there's like a four pence difference and jade will go to the asda i go to the one right around the fucking

corner and get back as quick as i can how many how many liters you put in i fill it up so 40 liters say you put 40 liters in 35 liters what's the difference how many pence yes what are we doing for a fucking quid for a fucking quid everyone's got a price for everything if i see less than 20p on the floor nah 10 it's 10 pence i'm picking up i can't would you pick 10p up i picked 10p up i wouldn't pick as long as no one was watching i wouldn't pick less than a quiddo. If no one was watching. Maybe 50p. All right. 20p. No.

Even nowadays, now that you've got no gigs in your diary, I think you might be talking to old Adam. At the minute, yeah, yeah. At the minute, maybe. I'd be like, oh, that's a Freddo, that, innit? There's a fucking Freddo in this for me.

That's it. I'd be more likely to pick a Freddo up from 20p. You've cut out the middle, man. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. If I saw a Freddo in this for me that's it I'd be more likely to pick a Freddo up from 20p you've cut out the middle man yeah yeah oh shit if I saw a Freddo what in not out

a wrapper no in the wrapper yeah yeah in the wrapper in the wrapper fully sealed on the floor what's your

no you could never eat a Freddo what if it was just pristine nah you couldn't no you don't know where it's been what's your rule

what's on a drop two second five second depends how long I've dropped it for yeah I'm know where it's been what's your rule what's on a drop two second five second depends how long I've dropped it for yeah I'm saying how long's your what's your time

time you know the two second rule yeah what's your second minute and a half only a minute how long does it take you to reach down

here he comes only a minute if I drop it in like dog shit or something. But like if it's just on the floor. Oh, mate. Imagine how sad that would be to unwrap a Freddo. To just unwrap a Freddo and be like, I found 20p like fucking Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I found 20p. I bought a Freddo. And you open it up instead of an invitation to Willy Wonka's, you just drop it in dog shit Jade has a go at me that's a bleak film I'm sorry to just keep

having a go at Jade today but hey are you alright no she's doing me fucking head in are you two ok we're ok my wife won't touch my dick

but we're fine see it's a good job that for four hours a day I'm at the house I'm with you that break is helping but like if I drop something on the floor

and pick her up to eat she's like that's horrible you're disgusting I'm like fucking three and a half hour rule innit I'm pretty bad for that I think ten seconds

is probably my actual limit also having kids you're like I just watch my daughter you're just you're watching something she's like

look sometimes I look at my daughter and I'm like you are the most you're the embodiment of beauty also she'll fucking snog the dog the dog we're talking about i'm making i'm saying something nice about my daughter then and then you blocked him dog snogging i was like when's my daughter snogged your dog she snogged the dog the dog will lick in like jade's face and she's not asked but if i but

i lick balls and ask me but if i drop a fucking if i drop like a chip on the floor and pick it up and eat it she's like that's disgusting i'm like the dog's been licking its bum all for an hour and then licked you on the face and it licks other as a good sniff of all hey hey doggy hey how you doing oh shit you know jeff nice i hate juice yo people get the content yeah yeah If you're in it Episode 15 I But I watch my daughter And she's like

Bum She's like Scratch Sometimes I'm just like Oh we're having such a nice moment I look She's just having a little Fucking itch of a

Fucking Fangeet I'm like you're nasty And then you're going around my house Touching things Sorry Shut up Upset me

Nasty bitch! But in my head, I'm at one with it. I'm like, who cares? If I get worried about it, it's not coronavirus in a fanjit, has she? So you have a go at your daughter, and then she's like... Catch me outside, how about that?

Adam! I used it! Yes! Well done. But I used it in context. That's really good. Do you you know what i was genuinely not going to press that button today to try and build a bridge because i'm dying for you to stop singing the start of features so i wanted to meet you halfway um so basically i didn't do the song

for the legend today don't do it marverma marverma no no don't do it Marverma. No, no. Don't do it. Go on. You fucking nasty bitch. Also, shit, I forgot this. P.S. She is now working from home, so I'm sat opposite her on the dining room table

and she needs to learn that she doesn't need to shout on her conference calls. I think we need to move into an Article 25A strategy. Let's action that. Basically like fucking train guy. Let's brain fart some stuff. Now, talking about mothers, thank you for that, Pooja. Talking about mothers, we've had a few people

sending Yamar jokes now this is hard because you're doing jokes to comedians Yamar jokes from Andrew Jordan they used to call it a jumpoline until your mum went on one Yamar's a tramp if he's written that

and not googled it I'm quite impressed from Joseph Nicholson or Josephine your ma's got a baldy and smells sorry I fucked that up

your ma's got a baldy and sells matcha tacks I can almost almost 100% actually tell you he's gauss your ma's got a baldy I'm not even messing is he that's the lad who emailed about that I you he's Scouse. He's not. He's from Missouri. I'm not even messing.

Is he? That's the lad who emailed about that. I think he's from Missouri. You're telling me. Oh, no, no, that's Nicholas. This is Joseph Nicholas, isn't it? Joseph Nicholson. Joseph Nicholson.

Yeah, there's a guy called Nicholas. I think he's from Missouri. No, he's from, his family are in New Orleans. He just tweeted us going, he's got to have a word for us, actually. We can try and find it. If he's from New Orleans or Missouri and he knows Yamaha's got a body and sells matcha tacks,

I'll be very fucking surprised. How many Liverpool Football Club podcasts do you have to listen to religiously? Yamaha got fingered by Ringo Starr in levels. Joseph Nicholson, you're a fucking weirdo. So the absolute daddy of Yamars. Do you remember we were talking about our dead mothers? Norma Nightingale.

Anne Rowe. Anne Rowe. I nearly forgot my own surname then. Day three. Dan's not wanking And Adam's gone simple Eshan Akbar Our mate

Eshan Akbar Great comedian Go and follow him I've only worked with him once Instantly Got a lot of time for Eshan He's dead funny And he's called

Michael Packentier On my fucking sweater Yeah He's got a mum a dead mum story I don't know if we'll ever get another but I tell you what

I appreciate the fuck out of this one shall we do it with the so this is from a couple of episodes ago isn't it when we were talking about our dead mars and we said like

there's often humour around tragedy and shit and if you've got any good your ma's dead stories send them in and this is the one submission we've had

unsurprisingly normal people haven't sent them in probably the most fucking traumatic thing that's ever happened to you it's such a comedian thing isn't it

like my ma's dead I'll get a fucking joke out of it and you know why he wants to do it because he's like I don't think I'll be able to ever do this

in a fucking show I hope the Edinburgh Festival comes back where will we tell our dead parents stories on Have A Word now I just want to do a little bit of research

do you want do you want it with do you want the story with the horn or do you just want me to take it seriously I want you to take it seriously I think that would be funnier

I shall hang on my mum died very suddenly in 2014 One Sunday we were having a pub lunch And the next Sunday I had to bury her My mum had a muslin burial because She was up for a laugh Oh sorry muslin

I used to be But I'm not very I've just realised That's so funny Oh, sorry, Muslim. I used to be, but I'm not very... Do you know what? I've just realised... Just stop. That's so funny. Do not cut that out. That is so funny.

Can I just say, do this for me. I'm going to ask for a full Muslim burial when I'm buried, just to piss my family off. Okay. That's how I'm going to get back at my wife. Why are you looking at me like you think I'm not defo going to be the one who dies first? She's not bonking me, but I tell you what, she doesn't know that I'm going to get back at my wife. Why are you looking at me like you think I'm not definitely going to be the one who dies first? She's not bonking me.

But I tell you what, she doesn't know that I'm going to change my will. The thing is, you know, mashaAllah, Dan's asked for a full Muslim burial. Can the imam, having that explained to the imam, yeah, he's not actually a Christian even. Not a Muslim, he's not anything. He's actually a card-carrying non--believer but these are his final requests My mum had a Muslim burial I used to be a Muslim but I'm not very observant and besides

I don't think anyone really knows the rules around funerals, Muslim or otherwise we're led by community leaders and more learned people we had the main bit of the funeral, prayer and all that, and then we carried mum's coffin to the grave. Has he actually put prayer and all that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's a fucking comedian, isn't he? And then we carried mum's coffin to the grave. So far, pretty standard. Then the imam looks at me and my brother, points to the grave and says, Right, boys, and you climb. Did you hear the pause when I decided not to do the imam voice you what

turns out in muslim burials the sons have to go into the grave and lower their body oh no no no no no it's in a shroud of the deceased

into the grave terrifying but also weirdly powerful now you've met me I'm not the smallest lad he's a bit of a he's thicker than a Snickers.

My brother is shorter and fatter than me. Between us, our Giacomo size is XXXXXXL. So we're hefty. We're big boned. We're heavy structured. We're hung low. If I pull my mum out,

this whole room get dark. And I don't know if you've ever been inside a grave, but they're quite narrow spaces. No, I've not. Adam wants me to wank in one, apparently. I climb in. That'd be a fucking sick idea. Dig yourself a grave and have a spaff in there.

Grave wank? Yeah. You need to sort your head out. I climb in. My brother wedges himself next to me. Our arm movement is predominantly limited to T-Rex style waving. We found a way to hold our arms aloft. A mum is lowered into our arms.

I'm holding my mum's head and shoulders. My brother, knees and toes. Sorry. He's put you welcome for that in gag. I'm holding my mum's head and shoulders. My brother, knees and toes. I can't believe he's telling this story and doing head, shoulders, knees and toes joke.

Now, initially, I tried to lower my mum with my legs together and knees pushing forward, believe he's telling this story and doing head shoulders knees and toes jokes now initially i tried to lower my mum with my legs together and knees pushing forward but there was obviously no space my brother somehow managed to get my mum's legs to the base of the grave so now i'm panicking because my mum is at a 45 degree angle like she's about to go down a water slide that's not the vibe we're going for. So I maneuver myself around, so I'm holding a head and shoulders kind of between my legs in a panic.

I lower myself, but don't lower my arms, and I know I felt the base of my balls on the top of her head. Through the shroud. Teabag this mum! So I teabagged his mum! So I teabagged my mum. I climbed out, looked back,

and saw the perfect imprint of my arse against the wall of her grave. What a day. Oh, Aishan. That is absolutely superb. Oh, that's hard to read, that. It's so funny. So funny, it was hard to read.

Oh, and that's a perfect example of how humour comes from a tragedy. Oh. I wanted a... Just one sec, I don't want to get too heavy. Me uncle at the minute is in hospital. It's not corona, but it's pneumonia, and it looks like he's not going to come out. And he's an idiot.

He's our family's uncle, knobhead sort of thing, bit thick. And I've got a story about him that sort of ties into yesterday's episode about my dad's heart attack, which kicked off my health anxiety. He just provided a proper bit of humour a few years ago. So my dad's had this heart attack. He's in surgery. I don't know whether any of your family's ever had a heart attack, but they get rushed straight in,

and they're fucking essentially trying to drill through shit in their heart. Oh, that made me feel weird. So while that's happening, me, my little brother, a load of me cousins, my dad's sister, and her husband, who is Colin, who I'm talking about, and a few of my cousins my dad's sister and her husband who is colin who i'm talking about and a few of our other aunties and uncles and whatever we're all at the hospital waiting to see what happens um and colin this is a broad green hospital which is a rundown underfunded nhs hospital in liverpool and they have to get to liverpool just by the engines of

the m62 and he goes to the toilet next to the waiting room and comes back in to the waiting room and we're all there a bit somber you know hope like we're told to be hopeful and that my dad's probably going to be fine but you just never know it's a difficult evening and Colin comes back in and goes hey it's a good hospital isn't it it's posh they're really fucking on the ball what do you mean he said well for the start if you use the toilet you'd have to sign your name on the wall

to say you've been we went what he went I've just had to put my name and the date and the time on the on the wall

and the toilet we went Colin that's for the cleaners and he went he went to put my name and the date and the time on the wall and the toilet Colin that's for the cleaners and he went he went oh that makes so much more sense

I thought Sheila had had the shits Uncle Colin man he's um I hope he's alright man he's really ill man and it's not looking good but again

in times of hardship and difficulty you've got to remember the funniest bits and the the lightest bits of life and that's a fucking

he's seen Sheila like seven times throughout the day on the hour every hour she's regular and gone fucking out that bitch

needs to stop eating brown flakes I've got a photo i'll try and find it so we can put it on the twitter went back in and there's a time sheet and it's got like sheila sheila sheila megan megan megan megan sheila sheila sheila megan colin it's so fucking funny. Very, very good. It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors.

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That's bottomless beer, wine, cider and hansom tazza for just £25. Spirit and Mixer bottomless tickets start at £35. And entry only tickets for the straight laced purist start at £10. Vauxhall Comedy Club is normally open Monday to Saturday and is also right next to Vauxhall Street Food Gardens. Loads of really good street food vendors.

That's open Monday till Friday. Please, for the love of God, don't visit them for the foreseeable future. But instead, follow them on social media and sign up to the mailing list

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voxhallcomedyclub on Facebook. The show is 18 plus, no ID, no entry, and we operate a challenge 25 door policy. What up? For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse, choose Voxhall Comedy. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan Send us all the problems that you have with your friends

That's the one I don't mind I like it It's like the OG of you singing a feature Yeah, but eventually I'll get good at them for the others And we'll have some really good ones I implore you I honestly implore you please

just that one just to have a word where did you get your Raptors cap it looks good man I like it I want a new cap and I need to stop

saying man after the end of it I hope your uncle's alright man yeah he's not good man where's your Raptor cap from man I think I got this

from the New Era store on Carnaby Street in London I think that's when I got it oh someone's doing alright but I've noticed that I've been wearing the New Era store on Carnaby Street in London I think that's when I got it oh someone's doing alright but I've noticed

that I've been wearing the same two caps a lot lately the me D squared with the Canada flag on I've been wearing them all the time

and I'm just conscious that every single video I'm going to have one of the same four hoodies and one of the same two hats on so I'm just trying

to mix up my clothing for the viewers I want a new cap Laura's like we've really got to tighten our belt I'm like I know babe but I want a new cap Laura's like We've really got to tighten our belt I'm like I know babe But I need a new cap

She's like You're not going out I was like For the YouTube Yeah For the social media videos Yeah She looks

She can tell I'll buy you a new cap I'm gonna buy you a new cap And bring it Do you know what Do that Isn't he nice to me So

It's time for Have a word Cause Listen Instantly You offered me to buy me a cap and i'm like you can sing what the fuck you want i've got a lump on my testicle have you got a lump somewhere because you've referenced that like four times have you ever felt your balls yeah

what would it probably don't do that right now i haven't had a wanking for you what would a lump feel like i'm a bit worried because obviously it's very difficult Dylan Moran bit that he used to say you know as a man it's very difficult because you have to you have to check for cystic cancer

and to do that you have to look for a lump in a bag of lumps that's a fucking great bit well done Dylan Moran one of my top five

then oh we should Monster is amazing. I want to do that on one day this week. You know the podcast that I initially had the idea for? Yeah. Which was Top Five. Yeah.

And we name our Top Five comics. So I think we both, on one episode, come with our Top Five comics. See if there's any common ground. There obviously will be. And then another episode, we'll do our Top Five stand-up specials. I reckon we work in as a feature Top Five. Yeah, and if you want us to do a top five of anything have a word pod at

gmail.com yeah all you have to do is go lads i want your top five of this yeah that's a good idea that yeah take it top five like takeaway orders or something anything but we'll start with stand-up comics and we'll do that yeah totally and also just before we do the today's episodes uh have a word we are a little short of actual have a words people have been sending in a load of other stuff which we appreciate anything you've got man tomorrow we're gonna stop sending you no no no no no but if you've got to have a words definitely we want them because it's the name of the podcast yeah we've got about 10 i think in the bank at the minute because i've got

a couple on my twitter and that cool because i checked the gmail and it was different we're getting also people just going lads it's not really have we just got this question and i'm going to do some questions tomorrow yeah because they're fascinated yeah so i'm we're all in we just want you to get involved but have a words is on the branded it's the name of the part i can't really do a have a word podcast without having a word with someone. We might have to at some point, but if you've got any, get them in. We've got enough to maybe last a week, I think.

There's a couple that aren't. We should have stopped. We should have stopped. We should have panicked, but have a word. We didn't know. But yeah, if there's anyone in your life who you want us to have a word with, it can even be positive stuff.

Just if there's anyone you know who you can nominate just to have a chat with and go even be positive stuff just if there's anyone you know you can nominate us to have a chat with and go look you need to be doing this or whatever have a word pod at gmail.com and just make the subject have a word submission or something like that and very if you want to be featured on the podcast the have a word section is the easiest way yeah to get on it at the minute um okay so this one comes from Alice Winters and I think this is going to be quite relatable for the two of us

well no not for you because you oh maybe it's going to get this way for you because you're used to sleeping on your own you'll see what I mean stop teasing me

what was that oh you don't like it when I tease you oh no don't don't flirt with me you don't like it that's a dangerous game you don't like

what if I rub my foot up your leg would you like that you That's a dangerous game, mate. You don't like it? What if I rub my foot up your leg? Would you like that? You've got a spaff everywhere, haven't you? Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! Where's Dan?

Kiss me off that! How about that? Wanking in the garden. Alice Winters, thanks so much for getting in touch, mate. What a bwuz! I don't know what that was. What a what? I tried to do word of palace and I went, mate. What up, words? I don't know what that was. What up, what? I tried to do a word of Alice and I went,

what up, blue? I'm horny. Thanks, Alice. You've broken Daniel. So Alice says, please. There's loads of E's in it as well, so I'm reading that like as she's written it. Please.

I used to love E's. Have a word with my boyfriend, Kieran, who every night watches videos full blast on his phone for a solid hour brackets at least while i'm trying to sleep next to him this includes laughing and shaking the whole bed or even more annoyingly while we're watching tv please make him understand why this is the most annoying thing in the world thanks alice uh just for context here let me just say every time i that was capital lessons alice can i just say this here let me just say every time I shouted there that was capital lessons Alice

can I just say this is from me to you fucking yes mate get some headphones and be considerate you video watching twat bag it's the fucking worst

the person you love the most in an intimate let's just watch something tonight and then all of a sudden I can hear Instagram stories with some bellend talking about what the fucking kids are doing for homeschooling. Like, hi, guys. Oh, just headphones, mate.

Headphones. See, I have a constant thing with Jay with this. Again, what a surprise. This is a fucking live episode of relate i'm worried so i do what kieran does sometimes i'll not when we're watching the telly animal but and not when she's going to sleep but if we're in bed next to each other sometimes jay like turn that down but then she'll have his on as fucking loud as she wants in 10 minutes time oh that's annoying yeah yeah like be consistent yeah oh yeah yeah yeah you can't be a hypocrite that's worse than the fucking

initial offense yeah i cannot stand listen i watch bullshit videos we all watch bullshit videos but if you're on the bus and you're on the train stop being a fucking lid and just put your headphones in or if you're gonna do it, you gotta go, you gotta commit and get a boombox. You know, like a black guy on a bike in, like, Manhattan. Have you been to New York? I just wondered where you were going with that.

Every time you go racial, I'm like, what? Why would you ever be nervous? Black guy on a bike? On a bike. Yeah, okay. Have you not seen, like, have you not been to New York? Never been to New York. The best I've seen, the greatest city in the world.

It's the greatest city in the world. It's a little lyric from Hamilton, the musical I was listening to. I honestly thought you'd made up another fucking song. I'm worried you've got musical special needs. Greatest city in the world. Of all the songs about New York,

that's the one I don't know. And now I'm siding with Jade, like, there's a rat in the world of all the songs about new york new york that's the one i don't know and now i'm siding with jade like there's a rat in the kitchen what the fuck you're gonna do new york new york it's really great what of all the like welcome to new york concrete jungle where jason mayer but i wasn't listening to that on the way here fucking new york great okay good alexander hamilton we are waiting in the wings for you this podcast become eight percent you singing never learn to take your time oh alexander hamilton i have soldiers that will yield for you okay if we manage to get this right doing the eyebrow thing again it's weird mate i honestly don't think you know our demographic because i'm not i don't think

they're a musical theater bunch well i i'm not but hamilton is fucking incredible it's fire it's worth like listen to the soundtrack of it um what we're talking about videos loud live videos i can't remember where we went with them. I'm so surprised you've not taken a stance on this. You usually just chalk and cheese me for the fucking sake of it. You think I just devil's advocate everything and go against you. Yeah, I can feel it. I don't do that.

You're good at it. I don't do it. You're good at it. My mate Matt said it on the phone the other day. He was like, he's really good at that, isn't he? He literally said, he went said you can tell he doesn't really fully give a shit about what he's saying

but he's just basically trying to take the devil's advocate stance Jade accuses me of that all the time and I'm not doing that I just like I like to look at things

from every angle it's absolutely fair how shit would a podcast be right what do you think? I think the same as you Goodbye everyone Char

Wonderful person Agree with you Delightful Catch me if you're sad I totally agree I erm I just don't want to be a hypocrite Because I know like

Jade will end up listening you're guilty on this aren't you i'm guilty on this yeah i've done it not when we're watching telly though and last night i went to jade because we were going to watch that tiger king did you watch it right now you didn't did you i've watched the first 15 minutes of episode one and then etta started just bouncing and we needed to do our government allotted exercise. One walk around the block. I'm in. I'm in. Does it look good?

The first 15. It got me. So I haven't watched any of it yet. Oh, right. Let's watch the episode one tonight. And if you listen to this, this will be out. Try and sneak in episode one of Tiger King. Yeah.

And spoiler alert. Oh, it's going to be annoying for people who are like, Dick, I can't watch it. I want to watch it. We'll do it section. We'll be like, we'll get. king yeah and we're spoiler alert oh it's gonna be annoying for people who are like dickheads i can't watch i want to watch it well we'll do it section we'll be like we'll get yeah we'll do like a five minute on it and we'll go if you if you want to skip the next four minutes 87 i'll set the watch yeah right we'll time it and we'll say if you want to just skip that we'll only do a little bit on it but um yeah i'm gonna watch that i asked jade last night he got me straight away come watch tiger king she went no i went why she went because you'll you'll moan at me if i go on my phone i was like no well if

you check you if you get like a text or whatever you can do that but just don't be sat there on a game which is yeah but i feel like i'm being told what to do like i'm in school like i can't just sit there on my phone i feel like pressure to watch the program yeah but you should and that's what i said i said i'll go on fuck off then i fucking watched on my own and then i didn't to watch thompson go to stand-up special but that's yeah but that's great by the way all right i'm in any comedy fans listening tom segura's got it and i don't know tom segura i've never met him i'm not doing this as a favor to a mate he's a brilliant comic and he's got so many past specials that are really good this is the best one it's called ball hog and it's on netflix

tom segura i was fucking i had to pause it a few times because I was laughing that much. And shout out to your mom's house, because I've been listening to podcasts for 10 years. I've done three. I've got, I've had one successful one, semi-successful one. And your mom's house is sneaky.

That's Tom Segura's podcast, isn't it? Yeah, man. It's The Dream with his wife, Christina Piszczki. Yeah. And I honestly, the way they do it is is i know we're not tom sagura and christina pazitsky but how they do that podcast is the future for this that's honestly they they've they've laid out the way to i know people love rogan and i like a lot of i like a lot of podcasts but how they do it is how i want to do it one day yeah and yeah he's really good he's one of those

ones where a few years ago i love bill burr and lewis ck you're like and now i'm like yeah cigar is sneaky fucking great though cigar is in that he's in that weight class yeah yeah started at the same time as me as well same age same time it's weird it's weird do you know who else started it all within a few months of me anthony Anthony Jeselnik really it literally I think we started

his special's amazing as well I think he started it oh fuck Jeselnik's amazing that fire in the maternity ward special hey I tell you what let's do this now

let's do this now because people are looking for things to watch on Netflix and I had my mate Matt that I just mentioned before who's Matt honestly my best mate

and he signed up for the for the Patreon I was like, honestly, my best mate. And he signed up for the Patreon. I was like, Matt, you're my best mate. Do you know what I mean? I was his best man. But he's still like, I want to, and I want to support it. My cousin and his missus have both signed up separately for the Patreon. Oh, it's fucking sweet, man. And I texted him, I was like, what are you doing?

And he was like, look, we've both still got our jobs. We want to support you. We listen to it every day. But you know, stuff like that. But he messaged and went, could you give me a few recommendations for shit? We've both still got our jobs. We want to support you. We listen to it every day. But you know, stuff like that. But he messaged and went, could you give me a few recommendations for shit? Like,

I want to watch some standup on Netflix, American standup, because Netflix, that's where it really excels in it. So let's give everyone our two or three favorites to watch. We've done Ball Hog by Tom Segura. We'll do this properly next week, but we'll fire a few out,

because I want to put a proper top five together. But off the top of my head, I would say Tom Segura, Ball his last one disgraceful is great as well um anthony jess on it firing a maternity ward i'd watch that and then go back and watch anthony jess on a thought and prayers um which now they're both pretty dark so if you want to watch it with your missus and she's a bit of a vanilla. Nate Bargatze. Have you watched Nate Bargatze? The Tennessee Kid. I have and it's fantastic. After the episodes

I can't tell you this on the thing. I can't. But after the episodes remind me about Nate Bargatze. I've got a story to tell you. Are you the biggest dick tease in history? Yeah. Will we be able to tell them tomorrow? No We'll never be able to tell them

But I want you to leave it in the podcast Have you fucked Nate Bargatze? No Did he fuck me? Did he wank while you faced the wall in the corner Like a fucking weirdo I asked him too He was weird about it as well

Little dunce Your Nate Bargatze Tennessee kid And here's a one out of left field Because I've just meant And I am not clean If you've listened to this podcast you know I don't work clean I swear

I don't give a shit this podcast has become a vessel for the comedy I actually like I actually find it this is why I love this podcast more than anything

because this is more my sense of humour than my stand up we talked about this the other week my stand up has been diluted by the fact that

I like making a decent living from entertaining people that don't know who I am. So you have to dilute a little bit. You are less so. You look like this. You've got more balls when it comes to it. But my podcasting, I'm like,

this is how I like, this is what makes me laugh. Weirdly with stand-up, I'm very impressed with comedians who can work clean because I respect the discipline and the ability to do it. Jim Gaffigan, Noble Ape, is his last one on Netflix. I haven't seen that.

I'll watch that. That guy knows how to write a joke and some of them are a bit like gaggy, almost like a bit sticky, but I don't care because it's so fucking impressive. And you almost, as a comic,

appreciate a man going, you know, my opinions, couldn't give a shit. What about these jokes? Joke, bang, joke, bang, shit what about these jokes joke bang joke joke bang this happened it's fucking great so jim mcguffigan noble eight nate bogazzi tennessee kid john mulaney the comeback kid oh superb it's a fantastic special and his his follow-up to that kid gorgeous

is great as well but i'd watch the comeback kid first oh my god uh after the part let me tell you about something about uh yeah let me tell you something about... Yeah. Let me tell you something about him. Okay, cool. Yeah. Oh, that's it. Do you know what it is yet? No, I've known nothing about him, and I'm not a dick to podcast listeners.

And there's no story, because I'm on your side, guys. Should we call the pod there, mate? Did we have a word? We did, yeah. Yeah. And you didn't, really, because you're guilty of it.

That's the least enraged I've ever seen you about. I have a word, because you're like, oh, yeah, shit, this is me. is me but if you listen listen watch your videos stick the fucking headphones in and when you're doing it for jim gaffigan nate bogazzi anthony jessel nick or segura just be a fucking gentleman if they're going to sleep or if the tv's on then yeah get your headphones in but if you just sat in bed next to each other you can you can play it as long as it's not super loud and if they want to

whinge about that tell them to fuck off there you go is that what you wanted? that was more on brand wasn't it? this has been a nice succinct one

I think we're going to clock an hour I'd like to thank our sponsors beer52.com and the wonderful Vox Hall Comedy Club Adam have we got a tune to play us out?

we've absolutely got a tune this is Georgia Lee with her song Focus Georgia's releasing her debut single Why Cry on the 30th of March so do look out for that if you want to follow Georgia she's one of these people who's got a mad handle like she loves an underscore

hi bum dogs no it's not that by me Instagram is underscore dot georgia dot lee dot underscore georgia spot normally lee is l double e and her twitter is double underscore georgia underscore lee double underscore what's the song called underscore she better have a song called underscore at some point. So a new single, Why Cry,

is coming out on the 30th of March. Do look out for that. But for now, this is Georgia Lee with Focus. See you, Tamazis. I was your baby Left out in the storm I was so cold back then that any arms would've looked warm

But you drank all my wine, spread it in my face I was so close to keeping you, I excused the waste And yeah, we'll go around and around and around We'll go around and around and around Again And if you just focus You would see that this isn't on me And slowly you'd notice

That I haven't been how I should be Cause we've had all of these solutions Just to feed our ego's illusion And if you just don't guess You will say That you don't love me Now I've been no angel I've done my wrongs. No place in heaven or that hell that you've came from.

But I've learned my lessons, been came from too. And can't control I got this future in my head And it don't involve you No, it don't We'll go around and around and around We'll go around and around and around Again I'm rounding, rounding around Again If you just had a guess

You would see that this isn't on me And boy, you'd know death That I haven't been how I should be Cause we've found all of these solutions Just to feed our ego's illusions If you just don't guess You will see That you don't love me

You don't love me You don't You don't love me you