Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #150 with Scott Bennett - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Pre-order our Xmas single here: LAURASGONE.COMUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids and lidettes, it's Adam here and Dan. Before we start this week's episode, we've got to tell you that we are going for Christmas number one with our original song written and sung lead vocal by our very own Finlay Cullavuz. It's called Lord Has Gone. It's going to be Christmas number one. You can pre-order it right now on iTunes and on Amazon Music. And on top of that, we've got a little documentary coming out on Friday, the 10th of December, showing you the entire record day at the Moser Museum Studios in Liverpool. That's exclusively going on Patreon. Wag wag lids. Thanks for downloading the public episode of Have A Word.

If you're enjoying this podcast, if you like what me and Adam and the boys do, then you will love our patron, which by the way, is the biggest patron in the UK. What is patron? It's an app that you can download, you sign up,

and then it's basically a subscription service for VIP membership to this pod. You get loads of benefits, you get extra episodes, loads of content, and it's also a way of supporting the podcast. And then this is what you get. You get an hour and a half extra episode every week.

Pure, unfiltered, concentrated, have a word bullshit. And honestly, it's some of our best podcasting because the public episode goes everywhere, all over the internet. The patron exclusives, that gets a little bit squirrely. You also get early release of the public episode. The pubes get it on Monday. You can watch it on Saturday morning. You can also get discounts on merch.

You can get discounts on live show tickets. To also get discounts on merch. You can get discounts on live show tickets. To be honest, the live show tickets go to Patreon first and because we've got as many patrons as we've got,

they never go on general sale. So if you want to see a podcast live show, you probably have to sign up. But here's the extra layer that people are loving, which are the one-offs

that we're filming and putting on Patreon. The Thank You Live Show, The Last Dance, My Last Ever Beat the Frog, which was one of the funniest two hours of live comedy I've ever been involved in. The Ghost You Live show, The Last Dance, My Last Ever Beat the Frog, which was one of the funniest two hours of live comedy I've ever been involved in.

The Ghost Hunt we did with Barry Dodds. We also did the Laura's Gone number one recording Studio Day. That was a documentary. That's now up there. And finally,

to seal the deal, we've also got four of the Lockdown Lock-Ins. The infamous Lockdown Lock-Ins where we get absolutely shit-faced in the studio and go way too far and record it for your entertainment.

It's a phenomenal drink-along that you do not want to miss. We've done it with Ishan, we've done it with Johnny Bongo, we've done it with Stephen Trice, and there is another one coming in January. All in all, this is the biggest UK patron for a reason because it's funny as fuck, it's great value, you will not regret it. For the price of a fancy coffee

Once a month you pay three quid and you become a VIP lid sign up at patreon.com Slash have a word pod the link is in the description of this episode. That's me done me gone Go ads get on me. Enjoy the episode now. I'm getting the word not Now, I'm getting the word, NAUCH. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch!

Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word.

Go, Ed. Get on me. Pussy. Oof. Oof. Bloody hell. I only just finished my morning coffee. That's just demonetised us one second in. No, who cares?

It was an advert fucking bored of them google adverts bored of money free money that's shit money though isn't it it's shit money

I'm not that's my least favourite money yeah it is it's fucking aids so the other day I went in I'd love to pie them off and just be like

let's do ours I was on our highlights channel shout out to you I haven't looked at it watching an old highlight and I got adverts and I got pissed off because it's youtube of it and i was like oh no i'm gone god for fuck's oh yeah i got a 28 second unskippable advert last night and just turned me telly off i was trying to show our jacker a video of tom segura doing a specific stand-up routine 28 seconds unskippable i just didn't't show me. I turned the telly off. I know.

So if you back out and keep pressing in like five times you don't get adverts. I didn't want to do that though. I just wanted to watch the thing. When we were in Anglesey but they only had free view and the kids were like

utterly freaked out that they couldn't watch the very specific show they wanted to because they're used to Netflix or just downloading it on Sky and watching it on Sky

and it was just it's on. It's just the TV and it's on. Like they were like, what? What the fuck is this? I don't want to watch this. And they're like trying to swipe the TV. It's fucking broken.

You fucking spoilt little twats. You watch the best films then though, don't you? Watch Rastamouse and shut the fuck up. Because you watch films that you have to watch. You end up watching films that you wouldn't use. Literally, I haven't watched Freeview for a long time. On a holiday, usually, though, innit? Yeah.

When you were growing up, how many channels were there? On the wireless. It was the BBC World Service. That's how we found out the war had started. I remember that. Were you alive when that- Neville Chamberlain came back from Berlin. When that War of the Worlds thing happened on the radio? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know when that... Neville Chamberlain came back from Berlin. When that War of the Worlds thing happened on the radio.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know about that? When they played War of the Worlds on the radio, but they didn't announce what it was and people were throwing themselves out of windows, didn't they? People thought it was real. People thought it was real, so they killed themselves. Well, they did it as a radio play,

but they started it as a... Breaking news. Yeah. Just to fuck with people. And that was like, what, the 50s, where they were like, God damn it, those aliens are coming

out the fucking window, Martha. In Birmingham, yeah. Yeah. And that was my, yeah. Imagine doing something,

didn't someone kill himself during halftime at Istanbul? Not there, but like, during the game. I don't think so. I heard that rumor years ago. It's a slightly different story

though, that car, isn't it? That's some mentally ill person who's a bit too attached to a Liverpool football club. This is like, oh, they did a radio play that scared people. Are these all mentally sane people who kill themselves? No, but that was a national phenomenon in America.

They all bricked it. There was a film about an earthquake in the same era and a theatre loosened all the bolts on the on the seating and there's so much bass in the film that it made the fucking place rattle

and it was about an earthquake and that was one of the things and genuinely people fled out the building thinking it was about to back then they didn't have the technology to do the bass

so they just got a really fat person to fart yeah yeah yeah good it's an overhead that good Back then, they didn't have the technology to do the bass, so they just got a really fat person to fart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good. It's an overhead, that.

Good. Into your home goal. Did you apply for it? Or... Hey! I wasn't alive back then. All right. Good save. Good save.

Good save. Otherwise, that would have been stupid. I'm on Rose, though. I'm on Rose, though. Well, it's that thing of, like, fucking with people in it that it makes it more as soon as you're like oh yeah it's just a film but if it's um like what was the one blood the Blair Witch Project yeah where I was at college when that came out and it was a thing like you all went around someone's house and you all watched it and it became a thing to be scared of it I kind of like that

sort of stuff where they're fucking with you. I thought Shrek 2 was real when it first came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it was scary, wasn't it? Because how does a dragon fuck a donkey? And vice versa.

That's frightening. You were like, oh my God. Spoilers. You knew Shrek 1 was fake. But now this one's real. No, Shrek 1 makes a lot more sense. Why are the dragon donkey babies? That's wrong. No, that's wrong no that's

possible of course it's possible is that how that works a dragon no no sorry so you can cross breed it's what species imaginary species cross be dragons and donkeys yeah yeah it'd be harder if the donkey was the woman i think because a dragon dick's too big. That's the problem. And it would ruin the donkey's pussy. That's the problem. You've got a fucking dragon dick on you. Yeah. Spitting fire.

But that little donkey, fucking that enormous dragon pussy, it's fine. Wow. Wow. What a visual for everyone. Early doors. I'm right though.

I haven't thought that was real. Donkeys can't fuck elephants. Fuck. No, I'm just trying to, no, I'm just trying to, what is the closest thing to a dragon? Like, you're just thinking big. Dragons are real.

What does he talk about? Right. Just while on the Welsh flag. Right. What? You can't cross speak, what are you on about? I can put up with so much of your bullshit,

but you're like, yeah, donkeys can fuck rhinos and that's how you get rhinonkey donkeys fact yeah i don't go i don't go safari park i go adam's zoo horrific experiments that dr rose would do right a chicken has a squirrel A chicken has fucked a squirrel. Possibly. End it. What do you reckon the two funkiest animals you could breed are?

I literally no idea. Hippo and an eagle. Eagle. An eagle. Flying hippo. Be sick now. Oh, you're going that way, yeah. A flying hippo.

That's better than a swimming eagle, isn't it? A flying hippo. That's better than a swimming eagle, isn't it? A flying hippo? That's all the hippos need, isn't it? Just wings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Imagine the size of the fucking wings a hippo would make. There isn't an animal on Earth that would turn down wings if you offered it to them. It would just look like

a bit of a fat gay dragon, wouldn't it? A fat gay dragon? It would. Yeah. You'd have wings if I offered you them wouldn't you if I went to you guys I can click my fingers right now you'll have wings you'll be able

to fly like an eagle forever you'll tell me you say no just click your fingers and I get wings yeah and they work as well right you're not like a wasp well yeah you've

seen films where they've got angels that's mad as well isn't it bees can't actually fly Focus now Adam Focus Because you're being Full spastic Adam

Really early doors No I'm gone Watch out He's got such bad ADHD Labilis You'd have No no

Hang on You cannot be like You'd have wings If you could Oh no no Sorry Bees and wasps Can't fly

And they fuck hippos And dragons and donkeys Shrek 3 Puss in boots No you can't Focus An insect can't fuck a mammal Focus

Focus Bees can't fly No Oh man Explain It's just too Like I can entertain The retardness for a bit

But it's how It's some days It's the coffee Of course He's had a fucking 19 shots of coffee and can't stay on one thought for eight seconds. Would you have wings?

There's literally so much opportunity to talk about that. Insects! Flies! What? No, it's okay. We'll come back to that in a bit. Go on, tell us about your wings. Can't.

You would have them though, wouldn't you? Yeah. Yeah. I would, but they don't look easy to upkeep. Sometimes I can't be bothered trimming my beard. I just think wings and feathers in the bed. Nah. Like, I'd get it.

You want to fly. But I'd rather have like robotic sort of and then fuck off. You know what I mean? Rather than angel wings. That'd be a great invention. Like a jetpack, but wings. Right.

God. Just write that down. Steep. Could you get on that, please, mate? Yeah, yeah. I know you're doing a bit of graphic but wings. Right. God. Just write that down. Steep. Could you get on that, please, mate? Yeah, yeah. I know you're doing a bit of graphic design in the corner. That's actually a really good idea, though. You smashed that.

Right, cool. Yeah. Would you have wings? Yeah. Right. Especially the new jet pack wings that we've just invented. But then you've got to think about the ramifications for your life. You won't be able to gig normally.

Right. Because people are just turned up going, yeah, I don't really care about your views for your life. You won't be able to gig normally. Why? Because people are just turned up going, yeah, I don't really care about your views on like modern life. Just get your wings out. I'd have a fucking graveyard

modern life from the sky. Nailed it. Oh, what's your bullshit about wasps? No, we're not done with wings. I am now. What's the wasp thing? I don't know whether it bullshit about wasps? No, we're not done with wings. I am now. What's the wasp thing? I don't know whether it's about wasps,

but it's definitely about bees. How many shots in the coffee, Adam? Just out of interest. The one I had before that was a double shot, and this is a double shot as well. So this is the fourth. The old quadruple. You have IBS, you say?

Yeah, I do, yeah. But yeah, yeah bees technically speaking like from a like a physics standpoint can't fly no they shouldn't be able to fly yeah but that they can't fly

you've seen them well based on the physical universe as we know it no they're not flying that's fallen with style that's Buzz Lightyear bees Lightyear oh my god that's buzz light year bees light year oh my god

yeah bees don't obey laws of physics but they can fly but they shouldn't be able to well that's the same thing to me no no not being able to do something and shouldn't be able to do something is different crucially it's very different you're like well apparently bees can't fly what about the

ones that can fly yeah they're fucking wiz apparently bees can't fly what about the ones that can fly yeah they're fucking wizards then don't trust them well maybe bees are magic I live by physics you know that's my life

well don't bees hold the key to the environment did you just have a little key in your hand yeah a little key because bees are small

but if the bees are fucked we're fucked aren't we no that's a common misconception is it yeah small. But if the bees are fucked, we're fucked, aren't we? No. The ecology. That's a common misconception, is it? Yeah.

Yeah, also the other one is bees can't fly. Fucking, that's a lie. Conspiracy theory. Oh, look at them bees not flying off to shag kids and eat pizza. It was a bee

that did 9-11. A bastard. Yeah yeah yeah No nothing You know Just a big fucking bee The Talibus Nailed it

Osama Buzz Laden Nailed it again What did you say? Finn said that Sorry What? Finn's audio said that I can't hear it

Because he hasn't got a mic Anything else? I'll I'll Yeah But the idea that Like Basically if bees all went away tomorrow all that would happen is that we'd only have enough honey to last like another six months no i don't think i think you've missed the honey it'd be like bitcoin be like fucking really

have you got money in crypto now i've got it in honey it's really that's the way forward yeah yeah i think you've missed the point there I don't think the lack of honey is going to end mankind it's the ecology isn't it I think it's the ecology Cheerios would need a new

that would be a big one a new side project wouldn't they yeah because they'd lose honey Cheerios and Wofford they'd need a new nickname

yeah no because they could still be the bees that's Brentford sorry what we even that's the colours it's the Hornets the Hornets they're cunts

actually aren't they i've never seen one but they're only like just basically jacked up steroid using wasps like wasps or doozies uh put simply we cannot live without bees we can freddy had a bee expert on his podcast and said it's bollocks well then yeah freddy's had some pretty weird experts on though hasn't he yeah I don't know I don't know if he's always the go-to for actual facts but I know what we're definitely not

I love people who comment that that's wrong yeah we know saying it on purpose I mean it'd be it'd be easier to comment when we're

right yeah do you know what Jesus 29 minutes 32 seconds I think they were right well that's not what it's about can we tell them about the live stream Do you know what? Jesus, 29 minutes, 32 seconds. I think they were right.

Well, that's not what it's about. Can we tell them about the live stream? Because I'm very excited and it's going to be here in no time. Sunday, the 19th of December, 8pm start. We're doing our annual live stream at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. The tickets to be in the room sold out in six months and you can now buy the pay-per-view it's a tenner

you can get it from hotwatercomedy.co.uk this is this video never goes on Patreon we never put it on YouTube it's to see this show and the plans we've got

for this one it's going to be a wild one you've either got to be in the room or watch the pay-per-view the pay-per-view is available for a full week after the show so you can re-watch it back for a week a full week you cannot watch it on the night and watch it three days later but after that week's done this show disappears forever no one else will ever see what goes on what happens in the room stays in the room it's a christmas party isn't it it's a nice little tradition we're developing

it was born out of necessity last year because of the lockdowns and all that fucking bullshit but uh now it's amazing because people wherever they are in the world who aren't able to try and get tickets for a live show can come and see us in the comfort of their own fucking living room and it's there's a bedroom there's a big thing isn't it no one's gonna wank are they it's a big thing there's a big thing isn't there no one's going to wank are they there's a big thing no one's going to be like I've got the laptop out I'm telling you right now everyone at home you've got my consent

to wank over me if you want to if you want to spaff while I'm doing me shit go for it yeah do it on live streams though hey don't come to the tour

yeah no you have to be Adam said it was alright well yeah you can't get a dick out of the live show because not everyone in the room is

consented but if you're in your house no but you you're sick of standing ovations now they're hack aren't they

you're a maverick in comedy and you want to sit in that'd be fucking amazing wouldn't it if your whole audience just squirted all over

the gaffer at the end of your show a wankovasion yeah that wouldn't be nice your whole audience just squirted all over the gaffer at the end of your show a wankovasion yeah that wouldn't be nice just to hear 1700 people oh that'd be

a hell of a noise why don't you make that noise in your mouth when you're wanking make a wank noise is there a wank noise there's yours noisy

yeah it's not it doesn't it's not you're on a rollercoaster Is yours noisy? You're on a rollercoaster That's pretty much right, aren't we? No, it's not It isn't Kill yourself No End your life

Anything more than a weird Like fucking Oh lord Oh lord Oh lord Do you Do you masturbate like an intimidated Black American person Oh

Oh my god God damn Damn Oh lord I didn't know it blackness Oh I cannot get a witness Who in is

Praise Jesus Oh Hallelujah That's a finisher Oh yeah you can't Who are you? Who is Jesus? Oh, hallelujah. That's a finisher. Oh, yeah, you can't. You've got to end on the hallelujah. God damn, I think, God damn.

That's when no one's in. When someone's in, you're like, oh, Lord, Lord, mercy. I'm Thomas. Keep it on track. The stream live stream where we will masturbate is that what we say as americans there's an announcement is there an announcement carl yeah there's going to be a big announcement and um there's something really big coming up next year that uh there's going to be tickets on sale for very limited tickets less tickets than we that we could absolutely sell uh for something we're doing early next year we're going to announce it live on stage on the night so only people watching the live stream or in the room will hear the link and they'll get the link there and then and i imagine that this thing that we're

announcing will sell out faster than these tickets did. So if you want to hear that announcement, you've got to be watching. God, I wish I was a black American. I really do. Just watch the videos from the States. I just think, oh, I've just been born white, Lancastrian, like, you all right?

Rubbish. You've got to think about that. Oh, Lord. Every bit of material that I've ever done would be better. Goddamn, I say goddamn. But what about systemic racism? Who the fuck is drinking? Systemic racism.

Yeah, you've got to consider that. Well, that's, you know, that's one of the perks of the job, isn't it? When you get there. How would I know? As a white. As an old honky. Living in Preston.

I've never... Are we allowed to say that? That's our way, isn't it? Honky? Yeah. Everyone's allowed to say honky living in Preston I've never are we allowed to say that that's our word honky everyone's allowed to say honky right everyone's allowed to say honky because it's

it is it is racial but it doesn't count yeah yeah because it doesn't like when El Hadj Juf called a ball boy at Everton

honky and the ball boy at Everton lodged a complaint with the football club and the police were informed becauseton lodged a complaint with the football club and the police were informed because there'd been a racist incident

at the football and El Hadj Jouf was questioned I didn't know about that I didn't know about that that's absolutely hilarious the ball boy wouldn't give him the ball back

and El Hadj Jouf was a footballer when was that early noughties he was in the noughties wasn't he we signed him on the back of

an impressive display at the 2002 World Cup for Senegal he also signed Salaf Diyao. Went through an entire season without scoring a goal. So he basically made his way around the Premier League for about eight years. If you end up at Blackburn, you're like,

oh yeah, you're on your way out. And he was an horrible cunt. But he asked for the ball from a ball boy. I went, Oreo Ponky! And the white ball boy in Liverpool, in Merseyside, which is 99% went oh i've been racially abused and told his fucking manager who informed the club who informed the police so i'm all i'm saying is it was racial but i call bullshit on that being a hate word

yeah michael moore calls himself a cold ass honky doesn't he so right yeah it's allowed michael moore's the i can't he's always wearing that big coat can you imagine that day when when the ball boy was like just he's like really upset and after the game obviously he's like he's an everton fan probably in the academy or something and he's like is everything all right mark he's like no i don't think is. I've got something to tell you. What is it, lad? I think I've been racially abused by El Hadji Diof.

Oh, what did he say? He said, give me the ball, you fucking honky. And I'm white. Right, let's go and speak to Steve, the manager. Yeah, let's do it. do you reckon it's okay to call non-white people a honky what do you mean do you know like if you get obviously like if you get in

an argument with someone of a different race racism is off the table isn't it you're not allowed to be racist but you are to white people like if you get into an argument let's say you both try and pull into the same petrol pump you i'm black and you're white no you get into an argument let's say you both try and pull into the same petrol pump you i'm black and you're white no you and like an asian guy lorraine kelly yeah an asian man like lorraine kelly let's say you and um daft cunt what's the newsreader from channel four call zainab adawi krishnan guru murthy krishnan Guru Guru Murthy Murthy Is it Murthy? You've nailed it Krishnan Guru Murthy

Krishnan Murthy You and him What? Both go to the same Petrol pump Yeah Right

And he gets out And he's like You fucking honky cunt Right You obviously Krishnan Guru Murthy The famed Award winning

Channel 4 newsreader Pulls up and goes you fucking honky cunt and i'm like christian guru murphy it isn't it hang on i'm being racially abused what am i allowed to say back to him yeah can you call him a honky do you know what i mean because you can't you can't use the traditional racial slayers that would be associated with people from his ethnic background. Right. Can I call him a honky? Is that okay? I think you can call anyone a honky. Can you?

I mean, literally, your nan, your daughter's teacher. Everyone would be like, what? It doesn't mean anything. I think if you use an Asian racial slayer, that might be a problem. I think there are some races that hate white people so much, and absolutely justifiably so, that if you called them a honky, that would be more offensive than the N-word to them. Okay, what I want you to do now

is to test that out in South London next time you're there. Okay? When you get into some SO garage, SO forecourt dispute with a gentleman of a different ethnicity, try your honky theory. You know, I'd call him the M-word, obviously. That'd be really offensive. I know I'd really piss him off. You fucking honky!

Yeah, yeah. I'm going to start calling everyone honky then. It derives from honky tonk. Yeah. Which is a bar that provides country music, so it's country folk. Yeah. I'm going to start calling everyone honky then. It derives from honky tonk. Yeah. Which is a bar that provides country music. So it's country folk. Yeah. It's a very American.

Yeah. It's a very Americanised thing. What about the C word for white people? There's a lot. Do they work? What? Caucasian. No.

Something you eat with cheese. Cheese and? Cracker? Yeah. I don't know if it was a naughty one or not. Was that naughty? Did you literally just say the C word and then refuse to say crack it?

No, I don't know if that's a naughty one. But you're a white person, Carl. What would you be offended if we got... I could offend another white person. Do you know what I really fancy? A Ritz C-Word Some cheese and C-Word Hey! That's our word

A Jacob's cream C-Word Can we call each other cracker ass bitches then? Is that better? No that's misogynistic Doesn't cracker come from Cracking the whip? Oh so maybe then yeah Like slavery

I knew I was right to be a bit cautious about that one. So calling this... Again, it's a very Americanised thing, because were there any plantations in Dovecot? Liverpool was built on slavery. Right. It was. Yeah.

Yeah. Adam's right. It comes from that derivation, yeah. So I think maybe... There wasn't plantations, was there? There wasn't anyone... They put out plantations. Again, it's American.

They all worked at Canesbury really before it was the Bosnian market. They made them build it and make the beer. Fact. Now they work in the Gulf. Well, cracker is surely offensive because you're saying

I'm a cracker, I would crack the whip. Yeah, so I knew I was being cautious, right? He's right. But again, again, you don't have to be cautious because it's only white people that could be like, hey, come on.

That's not all right. It is all right. Just erring on the side of caution, Dan. Wow, you are very careful. Is there anything? Lorraine Kelly's a cracker, I'll tell you that. Has that ever been said? Please said please promise me because you're getting quite famous now please tell me if you ever if you ever meet lorraine kelly call her a cracker

you're a fucking cracker and she'll be like oh god that's so nice of you thank you i've really been i feel good about myself now adam you'll be like no cracker ass bitch i'll call her a cracker ass bitch listen you scottish cracker ass bitch wow cracker's not the problem is it you cracker ass honky bitch go on tell me the news or whatever it is you do you don't even know what she's not a newsreader she's just a general why are you there do the news lorraine kelly or whatever you don't do weather fucking bitch she weatherman weatherwoman she's a weatherman yeah she's a weatherman she's a cracker ass honky weatherman i like lorraine kelly yeah i mean i wouldn't call her a cracker-ass bitch if I met her.

Cracker-ass honky bitch. What's the more sort of British white slang? You bagpipe-wielding, cracker-ass honky bitch. Because cracker and honky are definitely American. You shortbread-eating, bagpipe-wielding, cracker-ass honky bitch. Because cracker and honky are totally American. You shortbread-eating, bagpipe-wielding, cracker-ass honky-bit. Because cracker and honky are totally American. What would be the

more British barbs? Pasties? You fucking milky way. You know, pasty cunt. You milky-bar-looking cunt. Yeah? Yeah.

You Kendall Mintcake-looking fucking knobhead. That is racist. Kendall Mintcake? All right, yeah, yeah. You look like someone's filled in the middle of a polo. It's gone. It's gone.

Imagine that. LHG. Can we make some... You look like the fucking middle of a custard cream Oh nice Yeah yeah yeah You fucking donut old cunt American donut

I'm having donut as American there really Oh yeah you can't get them over there No but they are American aren't they Custard cream is so much Try going to America and be like Can I have a custard cream What the fuck you talking about boy Cornish pasty cunt

Cornish pasty Are they white People who make them are I don't know You chicken gravy What the fuck are you talking about, boy? Cornish pasty, cunt. Cornish pasty? Are they white? People who make them are. Nice one. Good. You chicken gravy, but that white one, cunt. Not the brown chicken gravy.

The white sauce one that comes in pasties, cunt. Giz the ball. Giz the ball! Cornish pasty making fucking custard cream filling, cunt. I think we need to workshop a couple of them. I like where we're going with it though. Good though. Yeah.

Anti-white racism. Finally. New kitchen roll looking twat. Oh. Kitchen roll. But not blitz because that's blue. It could be cold. Could be cold.

Don't want it in America either. Yeah. You tip ex cunt that's a good one though nice it sounds yeah you tip ex looking fucking tit

cover up my mistake in my notebook fucking smooth white correction aid oh the old bottle I like them ones you smell

you fucking highland terrier I've lost it you fucking gift shop rubber looking cunt gift shop rubber rubbers

oh yeah and some of them are pink and when you get sunburned oh yeah and the myth said you could rub pen out and you could just rip your page to bits you could sunburned oh yeah and the myth said you could put pen out and if you did

just rip your page to bits what did you write there nothing because i've gone through two sheets now let's do sheet no it's offensive no no that's it now let's do the other races on the live stream we'll be doing all the other ethnicities you know for fairness yeah for fairness for fairness for fairness i think we should do the blacks next good job he didn't say the c word cracker you rit biscuit motherfucker uh this is so contentious um I've got a heartburn it's going to be great it's going to be fine this is the stuff we put out publicly imagine what we do and we can put it behind a paywall and only make it available for a week

I think we're blurring those lines do you remember about a year ago we were like oh public episode watch your P's and Q's a little bit now we're like blah blah blah blah blah can I have a poo break yeah isn't it mad in this podcast that of all that absolute nonsense the bit that i got most annoyed about

was you going uh bees can't fly no i had a problem with none of it apart from that poo break because he's had 14 coffees. Ladies and gentlemen, hell has frozen over. We've finally been fucking nominated for a fucking award. We've been nominated by the legends over at podbiblemag.com in the comedy section of this year's awards on their website. We're very excited. We want to win this one. It's a public vote.

Go to podbiblemag.com right now and vote for us everyone else we're the best and if you follow us on socials if you don't follow us on socials at have a word pod and then retweet share things if you see it give it a like give this video a like subscribe do everything rub your tits on our podcast that's staying in yeah no no i'll do yeah ring the bell as well rub your tits on our podcast thank you get on me that that section will start with you whispering michael barrymore into the microphone and you'll never know why and i hope it stays in you'll never know why can't believe it i hope you find your dad anyway Anyway. And gone. That is not what we were talking about.

That isn't what we were talking about. I thought what would be funny is to suggest that Michael Barrymore might be your dad. Oh, no, he's not. I think it works. You don't know that for sure, though. Neither do you. Your mum might have been bummed by Michael Barrymore and then like siphoned to come out of her ass into a pussy.

And then that made you. You don't know he's not your dad? He could be yours. Could be. You don't know. I don't know. Michael Barrymore? Siphoned the commas of an arse into a pussy and then that made you laugh. Do you know who's not your dad? Eh? He could be yours. Could be? You don't know. I don't know. None of us know that

Michael Barrymore is not our actual biological dad. Can't be sure. Schrodinger's Barrymore. He both is and it's not the same thing. Schrodinger's Michael Barrymore.

Is Michael Barrymore your dad? If Michael Barrymore bums someone to death in a forest allegedly and no one witnesses it did it happen yeah

you've just said it did good I'll be quiet then wag wag street horse question for you would you rather never be able to by the way

if you don't get in the reference because you're a puke Would you rather never be able to By the way If you don't get in the reference Because you're a pube Would you rather Never be able to watch Any sport again Or never be able to buy New clothes And instead

Have to fix your old ones Adam This also includes Trainers Have a good one boys It's from Rhys I've got enough clothes To last forever

I've got fat clothes I've got thin clothes I've got somewhere In the middle clothes I've got Four pairs of trainees That I haven't even worn yet. I'll be all right. I need sport.

You would be in a great position if everyone had to do it. Like it was a choice that everyone made, but I like, cause if everyone was like, fuck, everyone would choose sport. Most of Liverpool would choose sport most of Liverpool would choose sport

and just be like I'll just invest in sewing kits but if it was just you doing it I think it would do your head in something rotten

yeah but it's still better than not watching sport you love getting new clobber on don't you I do it's my favourite

thing to do after Liverpool and that yeah what's the league table of things you love to do footy eat roast dinners

footy's one footy's up there it's hard to separate the top few so common is up there you need to separate it because you can't combine it

like oh fucking love champions league games at Anfield and coming at the same time like oh god a fourth against Barca when Divock Origi put that in against

Wolves that was nice that was close coming watching footy coming is that just does that include sex

yeah but that is that's the point of sex isn't it okay he's a very very generous lover okay sex coming

wank coming we'll separate them. Shout out, Sam. How are you, love? You all right? You okay? I can't believe you don't enjoy the content of the podcast. Watching footy,

especially when Liverpool are winning trophies. Buying clothes, buying trainers. Doing good, cool gigs. Doing good gigs. Yeah. Not driving to them doing them yeah doing them

and the best bit of comedy is when you walk in the door he's on the stage all the shit bits as you're out of the building you're like oh god yeah

starting to really enjoy the pre-gig build-ups as well and I've got a little plan for me tour to make the backstage a bit more fun especially with Carl and Thomas Green

coming with me 100% coming back to that where does so clothes are up there and in there It's been a bit more fun, especially with Carl and Thomas Green coming with me. 100% coming back to that. Where does... So clothes are up there and in there. Where do legs of lamb come in there? Because I know that food is... It's okay. Sex coming.

What about Xiaomi's? Eating a lamb roast dinner. What about Schmownies? Snooker. What about Xiaomi's? Shumais. Shumais, that's it. They're not as good as a roast.

They are good, but they don't... Roast is like God tier. They're just as good as a roast They are good Right But they don't Roast is like god tier They're just like top tier So now we're getting down To sort of fifth or sixth In the Adam Rowell Life table

Sex coming Roast dinners Especially at the lamp Wang coming Footy Where's playing footy Erm It's out

It's below everything I've said so far Right But it's up there It's like the next one down probably yeah it's good

it's good to know do you prefer sex coming or snooker Dan sex coming or snooker yeah a sport that I don't really enjoy or play

sex coming what's sex you look like you play snooker I play snooker about as much as I sex come yeah yeah Like you play snooker. I play snooker as about as much as I sex cum. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah? Did he give him the mic? In a documentary? What's this? The game of me and you, isn't there, playing pool on the documentary?

Finn, I don't want to talk about that. That was an absolute abortion of a game of fucking... It was like watching people with no arms play snooker. To the point where

it went beyond like, oh, we're being crap on purpose. It was like, this is humiliating. And I was ashamed of me and you at the same time. Watch the documentary. It's out.

Oh, God, I hope he's not put that. That would be a real lull in the documentary. I hope the whole game's in it. But if you had to give up clothes, if you had to give up football, oh, it'd be awful. If you knew everyone else was watching it. I can't give up football, especially, it'd be awful. If you knew everyone else was watching it. I can't give up football,

especially if everyone else can watch it. No. No. You just have to make do. I think I'd genuinely... Oh, this is not a good thing for me, Mrs. Tweed, is it? I think I'd rather give up sex.

I'd rather wank forever. I think. Genuinely. Then never be able to watch footy again. Yeah. That's mad, that. Really? I think genuinely they'll never be able to watch footy again yeah that's mad that really I think so as long as women

can wank me off right NFL or sex a big caveat oh what you're allowed handjobs yeah I could give up

pussy for footy I thought you hated handjobs what about all the if you were like right i've been watching the nfl for 10 years and i've never enjoyed a sport more you're like no more sex again or the nfl i know what laura would choose she'd be like how big do you want your tv you know what you need babe 4k sky sports she'd be setting me up tucking me in the garden office if you got have you got some popcorn i have a bunch of pretzel as well big fat cunt that's

never getting laid i'm picking sex over watching footy but if you put playing footy in with watching footy i'm picking footy yeah i iy. You love sex though, don't you? I'm not saying this as a dig, but that is partly because you're an Everton fan, isn't it? Absolutely, yeah. Of course it is, yeah.

You could give that up because it generally just makes you sad. It would improve my life. But you've had your glory days, haven't you? When? You were three years old old they won the cup yeah I remember that was it was it Ride Out

it was Paul Ride Out Paul Ride Out er Danker shirt oh good knowledge Dan I love it yeah but I was 38 then so

because I'm old from before way before that's when he's from a long time ago from way way back oh Papa Dan. Clothes.

Could I give them up? Because I dress badly. No, but you're changing it up, Dan. You're starting to come into the fucking... I'm dressing more scouts. I love this jumper. I haven't worn it for a while. You dress pretty good.

You didn't, though. What? You didn't. Yeah, me game's gone off in the past year yeah i used to dress better when i was in my early 20s i dressed better than i do like you you've gone the other way like now you've got some sharp clobber my laura takes the piss my wife takes the piss she's like this is new i'm like yeah have i told you what i'm gonna wear she can tell that i'm hanging around with 29-year-old Scouts lads.

You look better, then. Yeah, I know. I feel better. Yeah, you should do. Get on me. Get on me, lad. The thing is, you don't have to just start, like, shopping at fucking Tesco's F&F range when you're 40.

You can still go to Flannels and stuff. Right, well, I don't really know what Flannels is. It's like a high-end shop. Part of Harvey Nichols. I'm not into it. Honestly, the t-shirts that keep getting offered to me on this is friend or foe if anyone knows the people who run friend or foe the t-shirt and hoodie company get onto them we've got 60 70 000 people watching these in the first month or so listening as well and i want some free t-shirts from this is where

i'm at i found it instagram has worked me out instagram is part dressing me it's like dan i know you're looking at girls with tattoos and tits but what about this t-shirt and i'm like oh yeah instagram's worked me out with trainees my my account on instagram is just trainees and the occasional bummer same bummer it's instagram dark you've got the dark instagram you've got dark instagram yeah on the dark web instagram instagram they didn't come up they didn't spend long instagram instagram well you're not allowed on it you're not allowed a bumhole on instagram are you you're not allowed a nipple on instagram you're allowed a man nipple though what's that about hey so if you cut a man's nipples i have nipples and put them Could you milk me, Greg?

Free the nip. Free the nip, innit? Yeah. I like a big nip. Do you? I like a little, but like a solid one. It has to be pink. Oh, what? A little fucking, little pinger?

A pinger? Do you know what I like them to feel like on my tongue? Like a little midget gem. Oh. With the sweets. With a sweet. Like really hard. And green. And blackcurrant flavoured.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a rugby stud. I like the areola. You know, the lumpy bits. I like it to be like... It's a good golium. Yeah. Good French goli.

And you like his nipples. I like that. Nipples are so important to the boob. They're integral. A bad nipple ruins a boob in my opinion a bad nipple ruins a boob

what's a bad nipple when it's like right on the side like a a beggar oh I tell you what nipples are very rarely just in the wrong space

wrong spot for a laugh aren't they they can be big and they can be no it's very it's very rare you see like oh yeah my nipples right here but

this one's a bit weird it's usually I've botched the boob job if the yeah, my nipples right here, but this one's a bit weird. It's usually, I've botched the boob job over the nipples in this place. Oh, well then I'm a bit more sympathetic. Do you ever watch the programme Botched? Ever watch it? Ever seen it?

No. Not much telly. He miswatches it all the time and it's just plastic surgery. But there's these two doctors in, I think it must be in LA, California. Definitely.

It's not in Wigan, is it? Like, oh my God, babe, don't worry about it. My fucking nipples in the wrong place. It is, babe. That's on your face. They fix bad cosmetic surgery, but some of the cases,

the guy's just like, I just want a bigger tits and I've got four tits on my ass. Where did you go, babe? Why did you get four tits in your ass? I'm sorry, what? Ass. Ears.

Ears. Areola. Yeah. They're also a bit bitchy as well, aren't they? I've seen, I've managed to watch a little bit of Botch when they're like, oh my God, come in,

we're going to fix everything. And then they do like an off, like a cut to, and he's like literally talking, I've never seen anything so fucked up. He's really being like, oh my God, what the hell happened? Yeah, it's some of the jobs

that get done are horrendous. There's some like, where they've had like a the hell happened? Yeah, it's some of the jobs that get done are horrendous. There's some where they've had a nose go from this and they've literally tried to make it small and it's got somehow bigger. And they're like, so how's he done that? And it's like, oh, I don't know. And they're like, oh, we're going to fix it. And then it's the easiest job in the world for them

because as long as it's even just as big as it was before the first surgery, they look like geniuses. What's the most common botch? Is it boobs? Tits. Yeah. It's the most common botch is it boobs tits yeah it's the most common cosmetic surgery after like

the ass one is a new thing last few years isn't it I've been thinking about getting my ass done that's the one that can go wrong

and then you you can't sit down again and I'd say if we're doing my league table sitting down is definitely the most underrated thing in the world

is sitting down can you imagine if you're like Karl I've got some bad news your arse job your arse job has gone wrong and you're not going to be able to sit down for two months. Sam moans at me for sitting down too much. But like, so, for example, yesterday I did a big towel wash.

Right? What? A towel wash. A big towel wash. Like loads of towels. Right. I just washed and dried loads of towels and we've got a washer dryer machine. So then to fold them, I sat on the couch. She was like, why are you sitting and we've got a washer dryer machine. So then to fold them

I sat on the couch and she was like why are you sitting down? I was like why would I stand up to fold tiles? That's correct. Yeah.

Sitting down is one of the best things you can ever do on any part of the day. Are you about 10 years from a mobility scooter though? Because that you know

there is a point when sitting down becomes like I'm going to get a mobility motorbike. Or one of those choppers. No, just a motorbike that I can drive around the house. There is, what you've described, it exists.

Some mobility scooters have been made to look like, you know, the easy rider, like, get your motor running. No, that's not what I want. I want like a Kawasaki with stabilizers on. A super bike to go on the toilet. 750cc. You're saying it like I'm an idiot, as if you wouldn't be around all the time having a go i won't be around yeah i've been driving a fucking super bike around the asda

many dead i need bread so what you getting your ass done I think I got washed over before I just want I feel like my ass is too small

for me body you're a man it doesn't matter it does you want a fat ass I look like Gru from Despicable Me

do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah triangle you are an inverted yeah you're an upside down triangle no but I'm not even that my legs are like a

triangle and then there's a... Do you know what I'm like? I'm like a golf ball on a tee. That's exactly what I am. So my legs go to a tee and then there's just this big ball on top and I just feel like if my arse was a bit... You'd look like a fucking pigeon.

It's off your apple. You'd just look like lumps and then little... You've got quite thin legs. Yeah. I want to be like Nicki Minaj. Oh, yeah. Nicki Minaj. Oh, yeah. Ricky Minaj.

That's what I call myself. Why would you change your name? What? Ricky Minaj. Ricky Minaj, you know, because my nickname's Ricky. Adam Ricky Rowe. What did you get called at school, Adam? Ricky.

I named it myself, but it didn't catch on Alan Minaj doesn't make much sense so you're going to have wings and a Nicki Minaj big fat arse that'd be fucking great wow yeah

there's a lot in it guys I'm more cosmonautic than you get I think I've asked that question I think it has been done but wherever it gets done don't say dick

don't bore it it's in London that's where I'm going for my cosmonaut in London Turkey's the best place to go no not going to fucking countries sorry Finn that I don't fucking trust

Turkey has got the best surgeons in the world it has it's cheap because of the taxes no I'm going to spend some Patreon money go down London

I'm going to get myself a new dick a new fucking hairline I can't wait to get your hair you know because you are going to do it

aren't you if Laura leaves what if she stays if Laura's then she's just going to have to put up with it alright she's just handed a notice

and she's doing fine Laura likes your bald she can not have a job anymore and look at my shiny bald arse head I hate transplanting your arse got a quiff on me bum hole if ever I go for any

if I'm ever fixing it up got a new watch maybe I'm getting a new fucking nose I don't know but it's in London with people who I think know what they're doing. Ironically, they can be Turkish.

But I'm just not going to like, welcome to Fakram Airport. I'll just get you in the taxi and we'll take you to the hospital. No. What do you think about those people who get like surgery to look like their favourite celebrity?

Have you seen like that fat fella who wants to look like David Beckham? And he actually ended up looking like david bentley which was quite funny who ironically wanted to be david beckham yeah yeah um yeah if you were going to get surgery to look like any celebrity black american denzel washington i would go and danzel washington danzel washington i'd do wordplay that's what i'd do I'd base my cosmetic surgery and ethnicity change on some wordplay I'd call myself

Danzel Nightingale I'd go I'd go reverse Wacko Jacko and have kids touch me what this David Beckham kid yeah

he's got a new thing and he's trying to look like Brooklyn now turn it on turn the time on oh that's so it's there fucking

it's so creepy he's got sugar daddies now that are funding his new dream to look like brooklyn beckham oh no bro he does look like david beckham to be fair to him like to be fair hey he looks like david beckham fucked an umpalumpa he looks like are we putting him in yeah yeah of course we are oh my god to be fair to him if if i walk past him in the streets i'd be like is that david beckham there's not any tattoos that daft cunts or a beard or hair or face of david beckham or head or body no but if you squint if you close your eyes and imagine davidham. He looks like David Beckham.

He looks ill. Mentally. He looks like David Beckham if David Beckham you know if David Beckham turned up looking like they'd be like David Beckham's recovering

from some serious illness. Oh is this the Korean fella? A Brazilian man who wants to Well people are trying to make themselves look Korean now aren't they? That's the thing isn't it? Yeah.

Because there's the whole K-pop phenomenon. So, you look sort of Asian. Just a speck. I think you could transition into Korean easiest. Come on, bro. Did anyone else try that? It's good. I don't do the eye stuff.

That's really offensive to me, but it's also very racist, isn't it? I'm just wondering whether do I get away with it? Like, is that like me being able to do Asian I jokes? Is that like black people being able to use the M word with each other? I do. Can I use the I word? I think it's which comedian that we know that we're talking about.

Some people would go, no, it's not all right. I think it's your eye. You know, like it's their word. It's my eye. Yeah. Yeah. K-pop. Oh my God.

Imagine Carina. Next year's Christmas number one because we're going to have to defend our title. Obviously, we're going to win Christmas number one this year. If you haven't ordered the pre-ordered Laura's Gone why are you even watching this podcast

and the acoustic version and the dance version why do you hate kids with eye cancer you pube do you want other kids to end up looking Korean

no go and order the song there's six versions well three versions that you can all you can pre-order twice you know you know you were saying I think you found Six versions. Well, three versions that you can pre-order twice. You know what you were saying?

I think you found the line. Oh, my God. There's an acoustic and a dance version. If you pre-order all three on Amazon and then on Apple, that is six sales for us. It'll cost you less than six quid. Less than a fiver actually. Yep. And it's all going to kids

with fucking dodgy eyes and other ones that are dying of other stuff. They're getting loads of dough and we get Christmas number one anyway. I think next year's follow up to defend our title should be a K-pop song. Yeah, I do.

Can we come back to it? I really think we need to work on Adam explaining what charities we're doing this for. Listen, right. We're doing this for listen right we're doing it for

kids with spazzy eyes or something and like fucking kids called Zoe who are like knobheads so it's a good cause

because there's loads of little Zoes that are like fucking dicks fucked fucked K-pop I don't even know what K-pop is all i know is you know the film sing but he might be saying there's like the bunny is it the little there's little corgis that go it's not gay pop is it gay pop said it wrong in the best way possible. Gay pop? Gay pop? Gay pop? It is gay pop, though, isn't it? Gay pop?

Gay pop? That was in your head, Defo. But it is gay. Gay pop is a bit gay, though, isn't it? Gay pop? You can't come out of this. There's no root out of this. You said gay pop out loud.

Get on me. Hey, gay pop, get on me. Oh, the people you don't want to piss off on the internet are gay pop fans. Trust me. Why?

Let's start some gay pop. Are you messing? They are fucking animals. Are they? Yes, they will destroy all your social medias. Why? Because it's just,

it's weird. I don't know what it is. But we don't understand what it is. I know BTS. BTS are great. I like Blackpink as well, But we don't understand what it is. I know BTS. BTS are great. I like Blackpink as well, but they're J-pop, aren't they?

Right, okay. So they all bought tickets or signed up for the tickets for a Trump rally, didn't they? Because Trump had a go at K-pop in some way. Yeah, so they bought all the tickets for the Trump rally and there was like 40 people in an arena. It's all manufactured.

Very successful. It's like a machine. You do what you're told and you learn the dance. They're not very well paid. Well, they are, but it's more of a machine. Yeah, it's pop bands, isn't it? But with that sort of... But they go to a school and they're picked.

They go to K-pop school. Yeah, yeah. Cool. And you're picked to make the to K-pop school. Yeah, yeah. Cool. And you're picked to make the perfect... Like, there's a vintage one, there's a smart one, there's a funny one,

and then... Which has been going on in pop for ages, hasn't it? Like Spice Girls. They're just a lot more honest about it. Over here,

we try and hide that, don't we? But like over there, they're just like... Listen, lads. The pause was just tuning the voice in hello I'm the headmaster

of the kpop school oh sorry this voice is offensive alright lads I am headmaster kpop gay pop gay pop I'm not even messing

if kpop fans find that we're fucked what because they're animals on the internet they're not going to find it though are they no I'll tell you right now

any kpop fans watching this don't do it suck my dick gimme gimme gimme like like like I've never seen him look this scared have you

lick my bumhole after a poo before you said the blacks and now you're scared of

kpop lick my bumhole after a poo clean my arsehole Before you said the blacks. And now you're scared of K-pop. Lick my bum all after a poo. Clean my arsehole with your K-pop tongue. Go on, take K-pop down. Because you're so brave, Adam. You just don't play by anyone's rules. Take K-pop down. K-pop?

What? What's that stand for? Crap pop. Oh. C-R-A-P. I love this job. C-pop. Oh. Cr love this job. Seapop. Cracker pop.

Cracker pop. Is it white pop? Oh, I love that white pop. Honky pop. Honky pop. Honky pop. If there was a brand of fizzy drinks called honky pop, try the new have a word honky pop. Are you feeling all right today, baby? You've hardly touched your blue called Honky Pop. Try the new, have a word, Honky Pop.

You feeling all right today, baby? You've hardly touched your blueberry, Honky Pop. Oh, I get really bad gas from Honky Pop. White cola, Honky Pop. Honky Pop's gin, isn't it? For racists that won't drink Coke. I don't like the colour, boy. I drink mine clear.

Honky pop. Honky pop's gin. What? Honky pop's gin. What, white women? Yeah. Alcohol. Yeah, honky pop.

No, that's mummy's special water. That sounded gay pop, didn't it? That genuinely gave me like a Vietnam flashback. Into Vietnam? Felt like it growing up. That's my me special water. Did she ever call it that? Yeah.

No. Called it honky pop. Don't touch my honky pop, you little fucking cunt. I'm thirsty! Get us a honky pop, you little fucking cunt. I'm thirsty. Get us a honky pop. And ice. I used to get me mum a rail sometimes.

And I was only like 11. She'd just send me the offy. And Peter, who worked there, just knew it was for me now. So he'd just give me it. And then sometimes I'd get like a little bit of extra for me. What did you get? But he knew that that was for me. I'd be like, can I have me mum's usual half a vodka? And she also wants

four cans of Carla. Have you tried our new blueberry honky pop? Not for everyone, but you're alright. Get on me. It's not for the old El Hadjis,

you know what I mean? The old doofies too far so you just go you just go to the offing go get a bottle of vodka you know what it's for and you pay

yeah the usual it was different back then pre 9-11 a lot of things were different yeah bag and booze was never the same still the bee flying thing

is the most annoying but this this has to be you've given me thread I've got a pick at it 9-11 changes a lot of bag and booze was never the same still the bee flying thing is the most annoying but this this has to be you've given me thread i've got a pick at it 9-11 changed a lot of off-license rules in dovecot did it it did it really did security went off worldwide didn't it yeah yeah yeah yeah once the pentagon had been attacked it was a fucking nightmare buying a half of a flea revocer in doveuffcart at Peter's. Lad, I know I know you

and I know your mum, but I don't know, you could be telling. It wasn't called Peter's, it was called Kelly's Wines. Peter just worked at this one. Nice one, good. Not bad.

Just doing my Taliban thing. They changed that from 9-11 though and the office could have been a part of that. They were? Security was upped.

Neil Dales went from £2.50 to £3. Fact. Check it. Check was upped. Yeah. Neil deals went from £2.50 to £3. Fact. Check it. Check it. Yeah. Yeah. Fact.

The old Taliban BLT. Taliban BLT. Lucky, lucky, lucky. Waddy, waddy, waddy. Bombs, lightsabers and tanks. You got one more question for this section?

I think we'll go one more I'm going to leave this to dumb luck I've got four I've ordered them One, two, three and four And I would like Stay To shout out a number

Oh he said five! It wasn't one of the numbers! He wasn't even messing though. You were, weren't you? He said three second. Three. Three is advice. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh my God. Advice. Me and our lass have been together for over a year now and we're hitting a block in the sex life she's told me she's never come nor knows what she likes like can i just stop this the fact that in an email where you're i would guess tom you're from somewhere in the north me and our lass have

been together for over a year now never come no. No. Knows what she likes. No. Am I in the wrong? Sorry, I'm going to do this properly. Am I in the wrong for trying to get us to try stuff to find out what she likes? I've tried the conversations

to get it started, but all it does is turn into an argument with her going mad, saying, why is it all about sex? Don't know about yous. Yous like these scouts.

But I get more into it by knowing she's come or coming. It's spinning riddles in me head on what to do. Not like you do. And I know yous love a riddle. So please help me sort the riddle out. Love the pod. Tom. Tom, yeah, I don't know why.

She's a twat. I don't know why. Why is it always that, Adam? No, she is though. Why is it always? He's trying. He's trying. He's asking,

what do you want from this relationship sexually? And she's like, well, it's going to be all about sex. Why can't we talk about ballerinas or something? I think she doesn't sound too into it, does she? I don't think it's like you're going to unlock the cupboard and she's actually an absolute freak. I just don't think she's too into it does she i don't think it's like you're gonna unlock the cupboard and she's actually an absolute freak i just don't think she's that into it no but she she might be into it she's just not willing to try she might love getting covered in custard and fingered while

it's on her she doesn't know so she tries have you tried that what you tried that yeah that's how he knows he likes it right yeah she needs to try stuff but she needs to have a think maybe she needs to watch like different categories on porn up and see what makes her pop what makes a honky pop makes a honky pop that'd be good good euphemism lad you make my honky pop she doesn't want sex mate no i think she's getting I think she's getting bummed elsewhere mate there's some there are some absolute

textbook responses on this podcast that is that is absolutely nailed on one of them there's something wrong with me she's getting fucked

probably by a kpop fan from before I genuinely think... I think she wants you to watch the NFL, mate, or your version of it. Now, a year in, this is bollocks, because I'm assuming they're quite young as well. She needs to be more open to this conversation.

And if you're right, and she's just not into sex, she's not into sex because she isn't coming. That's why she's not into sex. There's nothing better than coming, apart from lamb roasting as we discussed before yeah just make her a lamb roast and then try and make her come while she's not with the leg of lamb she's based in and she's like get it one now the problem is she sounds very

very shy and she doesn't want to talk about it so what's your advice you're right she needs to try stuff because everyone's got a button Everyone's got some sort of button. You wouldn't like sex if you'd never come. I know. So what I'm saying is, I agree. So what I'm saying is, how does he start this conversation? Because he's gone. Can we talk about what you like?

She's like, I don't want to talk about it. She's obviously pretty freaked out about sex. So how does he get the conversation rolling? He needs to do something that is entirely sexually for her. Because sex without coming to shit, it's just like doing a load of fucking press-ups or planks, isn't it? I've always thought it.

I agree, yeah. Do you not enjoy sex? Yeah. What about edging? You enjoy it because you know you're going to cum. No, no, but sex can be, it's enjoyable too. Yeah, but...

It's a nice feeling. It's not worth it. No, what... I like the smell of a roast dinner. But if I don't get to eat, I don't go and sit in the carvery and just have a whiff. Adam doesn't think about sex. He thinks about cumming up.

They are not the same thing. Smell my carvery. Can't touch it, though. Yeah, you keep saying cumming. There's other stuff around sex. It's not just jizzing, is it? Is it? Cumming's the best bit.

Yeah, but it's not just about, it's not the only bit, though. You keep saying cumming, like sex is a right, it's not like you have to get through the chore of sex to get to the coming. It all feels pretty good, doesn't it? Yeah.

And sometimes, not coming for a while, the longer you can live, that feels better as well. Yeah, but then the come's even better. Yes! But it's not the only thing. Watch your top three things. Coming! Coming on a warm day, coming on a cold day,

coming outside and coming in my belly button. I love watching Fussy. If the season never ended, I wouldn't watch it. I want to see who wins the Champions League. That's the bit that I'm open to get to. But I enjoy the Fussy because the final's coming. If it was just pointless Fussy, I wouldn't watch it. I don't watch international friendlies.

They're having international friendlies every week. She's Mold over, Dan. But footy isn't just the Champions League final. There's a build-up to it. It's all good. You're right. The final and the build-up. But if the final wasn't there, the build-up would be shit.

Right. No, I'm just talking about how much you are talking about coming. Like it's the be-all and end-all. Because it's the final. Have you ever had sex without coming? I mean, like you didn't come because you were whatever, drunk, whatever. I mean, like, you've just not come. No.

Try it. That's why they call him the finisher. Ricky the finisher. Minaj. Ricky. With wings. Ricky the Minaj finisher. Because I finish minges.

Stunning work. Unusable. Playing the Philharmonic in Liverpool. One of the bigger venues in Merseyside. the menage finisher because I finish minges stunning work unusable playing the philharmonic in Liverpool one of the bigger venues in Merseyside

one man show it's unbelievable to me as well sometimes he does need to do so I know that she doesn't

know she likes how you broach in this conversation she obviously doesn't even want to have the chat tie her up we're up

tie her up there you go no but I mean she might like that just try it what are you doing tom you'll fucking like it i can see the reason i mean in a safe environment where you know she's she's consult uh no consenting you know she doesn't know she likes being tied up and sexually

attacked until it's in. In a safe environment. Shove her in the panic room. They were in there. She'll feel nice and safe. Wacky warehouse. White safe. Padded. I think you should have it like an intervention.

Get a family round. Yeah. Just get a mum to be like, little piece of paper, like all nervous, like doesn't really want to say it. Becky, you're a right frigid bitch.

And coming's good. But it's not the only bit. And we love you. And we want you to enjoy sex. And you might love getting custard poured on you and fingered. Get on me. And then her dad's like,

look, girl, no father wants to think about his daughter getting fucked but if it's all in vain it makes it so much worse you need to learn to come otherwise my pain is pointless i don't want to think about you getting absolutely polaxed if you're not at least getting to spaff at the end of it it's not fair on me it's not fair on you and it's not fair on me. It's not fair on you. And it's not fair on Tom. It's not fair on me. Right. This isn't fair.

And now your little sister. I'm only eight and I shouldn't be here. I should be at school. Yeah, there you go, Tom. Problems. And I've been tied up the whole time. No, because. Stop tying women up Listen your mum's on her way

Don't worry No tie her up like a Tom and Jet Put her on a train track So she's safe though A real train track or like one Like a Sky Electrics A fake one There you go Tom there's your device

Become dick dastardly Have a family intervention About sex On a scalextric Your brother's next Fuck off Lab record That's it innit

Yeah Tom you're welcome Get on me It's not fair It's fine Tie her up Tie her up and just fuck her She might like it

Don't see a problem with that I'm not a rapist I'm inquisitive Hit the button Alright lads We need to tell you about our sponsor NordVPN But if I'm being completely honest It's important. and have never used one of these is absolutely fucking mind-blowing. It is essentially premium cyber security. It hides everything you're doing. And with one click of a mouse,

you can decide you're in any country in the world. So, you know, like Netflix in America is a lot bigger than in the UK. You can go, I'm in New York, lads, and it'll give you American Netflix. If you want to watch a Premier League game at three o'clock in the afternoon that isn't available in the UK,

you can go, do you know what? I'm in Saudi Arabia, lad, and I'm watching a bit of fucking Liverpool against Tottenham Hotspur. Can I be in Burundi on a Monday?

You can be in Burundi on a Monday. Can I be in Dubai on a Friday? Dubai on a Friday. Oh my God. There's 59 different countries on NordVPN.

I think for me, because I've used this company for a couple of years, so it's a big benefit that they're now sponsoring us and I can sell them

they're the best VPN company in the world the cyber security is next level and we've now got a promo code that gets you

73% off up to that and a bonus gift if you sign up using our code that's a lot go to nordvpn.com

slash have a word and use.com slash have a word and use the custom code have a word and on top of that 30 day money back guarantee

so if you get it and you think it's shite they'll give you your dough back risk free absolute belter and an honour to have them on board as a sponsor

me gan have I had an idea for a film go no big foot yeah big finger it's thin thin that's it it's the whole film now is that because he's done any acting or because he's just in like the woods in wales and people like have you heard about big finger and he comes out but for the film we make his finger bigger right what you actually because he's got a big finger anyway that's why he got the

part but you want to get a yeah then couldn't you just get any actor and make the finger bigger yeah but then that's not true to form good yeah it's got better oh i nearly pressed the wrong button then and nearly as we're scott bennett's here gave you mama like that mama like that and joined the big finger chat uh finn's got a big finger he uses it for pleasure and women and some small animals. He doesn't. He does it. He uses it for twatting the typewriter. Oh, the typewriter.

Fucking laptop. You know what you're thinking. The electronic typewriter. Angela Lansbury in the A.A. Who does she wrote? Angela Dansbury. Angela Dansbury. Some of this wordplay is starting to do my fucking tits in

How are you Scott? I'm good thank you Recent live at the Apollo Star Of course, well yeah Night late Yeah so for those who don't know Scott was on, is it episode 3 of this year's series? Yeah, no yes yes

3 Episode 3 and you were supposed to go out on a Wednesday night as all other episodes too but then Stockport against

Bolton Wanderers went to extra time in the FA Cup. The Lancashire

team couldn't be more perfect. Trample on my dreams. Best thing was my dad rang afterwards

and went you were brilliant. Winding me up. Honestly. I didn't tell anyone though that it hadn't gone out.

So I texted people to test them. Said, did you see it? And a lot of people went, yeah, you were brilliant. You did.

You did it. I did a couple of my mates. Yeah. That's so funny. Start was good. Yeah. That penalty you took at the end. Got a lot of fucking brilliant.

Got a lot of pace On the wing For a 42 year old dad You know But yeah How long have you been Doing stand up 10 years And the goal

For any stand up In the UK Is to do live The Apollo something And you finally got it Yeah All that sacrifice Driving up and down

The motorway Pushing my marriage To the limit Get all the kids Sat round On bean bags All the snacks out This is daddy's big moment Didn't happen pushing my marriage to the limit. Get all the kids sat round on beanbags, all the snacks out. This is daddy's big moment.

Didn't happen. It's amazing. What round of the FA Cup as well? Like second? Second round, I think it was. Do you know what it's like? One of the big ones. Do you know when friends,

when Joey brings his grandma round to show, he's in the show and they've cut his scene. He's got all his kids lying around it's like yeah so daddy plays centre back now that's him no no no don't zoom in

they're really confused yeah we don't do stand innovations we do pitch invasions now it's a new thing it's a new thing it's COVID innit we do outdoor gigs

how was it it was weird for me because you're two of my best mates in comedy yeah and you were the Wednesday. In comedy always stings at the end of that sentence, doesn't it?

You've got a particular feeling. Do you know what I mean? I mean, obviously, if it was in a crisis, I'd never reach. I'd scroll past your numbers. All right, let me put it another way. I really like both of you, but one was a nighttime invite to my wedding and one didn't turn up.

Can you call me up one of your best mates in work because that would be that would be scary Jesus listen I feel like I'm being pinned down for like if you got married now would I be a groomsman honestly 100% you are not allowed to do a speech

at any of my future weddings why Adam's doing the best man speech why not bees can't fly you should be trying to sell merch after it I'm not having it

I wouldn't sell merch I'd just express a few of my ideas which is probably worse you are two of my mates right is that past the test everyone

I think we'd be on a peripheral table and you fire escape yeah listen you were there but it was in nottingham you couldn't not turn it did make it very it was a 12 minute drive from your house i can't make it dan it's a nightmare even then i think we came for last orders the brian cluff way was murder yeah um uh no the you were tuesday night you recorded on tuesday night and then he recorded it on wednesday night yeah yeah it was a a weirdly nice feeling to be like two of my best mates are like leveling up i think i was in a car park of a tk max as i considered it like good good for them good for them good for them nice to get i'll go and get a Ben Sherman jumper how was the day did you take your missus down

are we allowed to say you said Gemma yeah yeah I took Gemma down and I just did that thing with you know because Barry's like Barry is

Barry's another of our really close mates and Barry's like never say that I've ever had a friend or family ever never even consider that I've known or been related to humans

like he's faking his own death didn't you go to didn't you go to school Barry can you cut that out family ever. Never even consider that I've known or been related to humans. Like he's faking his own death. Didn't you go to school, Barry? Can you cut that out? Because people will get the fucking school book out. It'd be the worst

who do you think you are would Barry, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to make him cut everything. Just nothing on the family tree. Just Barry. Dad. Don't even mention him.

Get rid of him. He just appeared. Barry Dodds was born to unknown parents at an unknown time in an unknown hospital in an unknown town. Yeah, and that's how he laced it. But you did the, so you took Gemma down. Yeah, yeah, I did. Because I think, like, it's quite nice, isn't it?

Like, a treat is like a moment when, like, all these years you've sort of been working on something, and then you go, something's happened, and then share it with her like a moment when like all these years you've sort of been working on something and then you go something's happened and then share it with her do you know what I mean yeah

you can't be like to be honest love I'm taking Dan do you want to do yeah he's just going to be at TK Maxx otherwise you are a relationship mate Gemma

I'm sorry you're in a particular category but it was dead good and she you're one of my best women in this manage yeah top three

well she she enjoyed it I think it's I think you can enjoy it when you're not doing it so she sort of like went to the bar sort of had like

a proper night it was like watching someone on a spa day that you've paid for that you can't enjoy right because I was shitting myself the train

the theatre yeah yeah it was like it was wonderful I would have loved to see if, did you get nervous? Because I've seen you get wound up

by doing like a fucking, just a standard 20 minutes in. Like, theatre cleward, you were like, Dan, I've got to, what's this gig like?

I'm like, there's fucking 12 people in there. I know. We're in mould. I know. Well, the thing is as well, like,

you try and keep a lid on it, but then like, as soon as, you probably found it, as soon as that fucking sign goes up and you come out through the smoke you just go oh shit do you know what I mean

it's impossible not to get sucked into the occasion oh yeah you did say about that when the thing does it lift yeah it lifts it's like the garage door yeah

you're unveiled like a fucking a child that's been trafficked just in some cunt's garage in a fucking yeah town I don't think that's been trafficked just in some cunt's garage in the fucking yeah town i don't think that's how traffic children are revealed and we've got some human trafficking done and here she is from hungary come out no but like if the if the police were looking for you and they were like i think she's in that garage and they were like hey mate open that garage and he went and he went then that's how

they would be revealed come out to the sound of Iggy Pop traffic children are kept in garages it's a well known fact but they don't have smoke when they come out

thanks very much it's my dream to get out of this garage if I was a kid and I'd been trafficked I'd have a ciggy yep good point what I said was stupid

Adam wins again on Adam Hill and he will die on that hill as we know was that your song were you ricky pop no i was dove's pounding why did you pick that oh i picked a load but they couldn't get a load from compliance same with adam yeah i picked a few and then in the end i ended up it with the one that i should have picked from the start which is jamie webster's this place which is a song about live pill by a scouser what were your other options NWA yeah hit them up hit them up

by a two pack walk like an Egyptian fuck your bitch you fat motherfucker west side make money I wanted that but they said

oh Chris McCausland's got that so I want to place your hands by a reef they said no

right I wanted the Teletubbies theme tune. They said we can't get that cleared. Can't get it cleared? No. On the BBC? I asked them, could I sing?

And they said no. Start spreading the news. I'm singing my own intro. What were your other options? Well, the other options was I was going to go Kasabian, but then there was all that shit in the news about him. So I went Michael Jackson instead. Thriller!

Is there a Kasabian nuns? No, no, not that. He was five years ago. You know, knocking his missus about once. So it's just, I thought, I'm going to step back from that. He's not in Kasabian anymore, is he? He's not in Kasabian anymore. Why didn't he be in well, Tom?

No, so that, but then there was others. So you picked pounding instead. Interesting choice. Yeah. No, no. I think I was going to. So you picked pounding instead. Interesting choice. Yeah. No, no. I think I was going to go, I was going to go Ebenezer Good, right?

By the shame. That was, but then I had a moment where that was like, that's ridiculous. That would be the intro that I picked and everyone would be like,

yeah, that's done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't make any sense for me. The only thing is, I remember it first time round, but I was about 13. So it didn't make any sense for me. The only thing is I remember it first time round, but I was about 13. So it didn't make any sense.

Yeah, you just thought it was about a nice bloke called Ebenezer. Ebenezer was very good. He's a good, he's a good, he's Ebenezer good. I'll have that for my library book. Amazingly smuggled that through. So there's a few choices really, but I think I did get my first choice.

But I did remember, like, I was quite hot before I went on. I don't know if you know, they put like a thing around my neck with two little fans on, like a personalised cooling system. What? And I was walking around with these fans going, and I looked in the mirror, and I had, like, a make-up lady dabbing me,

and I thought, you fucking... See, they never had the fans for me. Show me. Get me my fans! They never had the fans for me. They got me one of the traffic children and hung them, and they just blew on me. Adam, I miss my family. You had the platinum package, didn't you?

Adam, can I ask you a question? Even though I'm from Hungary, I think NWA was a bad choice. It's questionable. I didn't really take in the pre-thing, because I was watching Liverpool play AC Milan. You're very good like that. You can just sit and do that and then go and do a gig.

Yeah, because in my head, I was like, if I ever get to do like panel shows and stuff, which, you know, there's a couple I'd like to do and there's a couple I'm not really that arsed about. I think with them, I'd be a lot more,

oh, I need to get this right. But like, I was just, this is a bit arrogant, but I was like, it's just another gig. It's a big one. I've just got to approach it like, and if Liverpool play AC Milan and I was just this is a bit arrogant but I was like it's just another gig it's a big one but I've just got to approach it like

and if Liverpool were playing AC Milan and I was doing Hot Water I'd be sat backstage watching Liverpool play AC Milan so I was like

I'm watching a match I think we mentioned this on a Patreon episode I really made Brett Vincent laugh by who's another agent by I wasn't trying to but you know the clock

they have at the side of the stage to let you know how long the act on is done so esther monito is opening the show and it come up uh we got to 19 minutes and it come up with i think five or six minutes at a time and i just looked to the side to see how long esther had left and brett vincent just burst out laughing he's like what the fuck was that i haven't seen how long the match has gone I can't see whether

I'm going to get to the end he was like you're doing live at the Apollo and all you care about is whether you're going to get to see Liverpool see out this 3-2 win

against AC Milan in a group stage game I'd have loved it if you'd have walked on with your phone just still watching it well I got a heckle I was on stage

and I mentioned footy for some reason and someone went we won by the way lad 3-2 Amazing I think you've got to Keep your mindset of what you would do

At a normal gig, haven't you? And mine is to panic Panic in Skywalker That's what I do, just sit back there Freaking out and then I thought, well this is normal This is how I do it It'd be weirder if all of a sudden you were calm and collected and yeah whatever gets you there yeah as we've said on this like you'll remember andy watson just about but andy wants andy andy watson

did vocal warm-ups and that's the only time i've ever been like your pre-gig rituals need to stop near me because it like a little ginger lancastrian going me me dore me dore me la la la you're like fuck off you're doing an open spot 10 minute thursday at the frog fuck off just shouting and doing lunges near the fire exit everyone else's process just do you he was looking you know the when hot water used to be at the crown pub yeah and at the top of the stairs there was a mirror and the audience could see him but he was in the mirror like doing his act outs

and stuff in the mirror like getting ready like looking at himself in the mirror pulling like a fake gun out and stuff and the whole audience like Paul was on

comparing no one was looking at Paul Smith they were all like who the fuck is this mental cunt over here and then Paul went Andy Watson

and he walked through a door that didn't need to be there to come out from behind a curtain that obviously didn't need to be there either. And they were like, oh, it's him. And the whole crowd like, I can't wait for him to do his gun bit.

I fucking shot you. Don't rate me for assholes like Tito. Yeah, I just, that pre, I don't ever want to turn you into one of those comics though that just looks like they're about to fall asleep

in the dressing room, can't be arsed, doesn't want to be there and just lumbers onto the stage like i'm quite relaxed but i i never want to lose i don't want to be like oh shit but i i'd like a little bit of spark just before you go on a little bit of fun and excitement because we've said this loads the green room is a fucking great little place when there's some good eggs in it well i touched on this before and you said you actually wanted to come back to it i've got an idea for me tour next year which i've sort of stolen from dave chappelle so something i've struggled with you've toured a little bit haven't

you yeah you're in the middle of it now yeah yeah so do you have an opening act or do you do it on your own yeah i have an opening act yeah okay yeah so on my last tour because the tour was quite small and the venues were quite small couldn't really afford one without like some of the venues being like, it was pointless me going, like making like less than I would on a club gig. I still turned up though. But the solitude backstage, just being on your own in a dead silent room,

waiting to be told, oh, you can go on. I think that's so counterproductive to being good on stage especially with me i like being sort of happy to be there and whatever and you sort of have to go from literal silence and scrolling backstage to hey so i'm gonna get some um like lights and stuff just to make the green room look a bit fun and i've like i'm taking a speaker with me a bit of music on getting me all pumped up in the green room what lights what strobe lights right strobe lights so you're having an after party before the gig i'm having a before party yeah nice yeah big bag five minutes to go

yeah but i think i'll go on in a much better do you know i've never thought about that in that dressing room where everyone's shooting the shit and everyone's on good like as we all know a bell end in the dressing room can ruin it completely or two people that don't like each other as much as it's like weirdly oh that that's like a kid who's in a parents who were in the middle of a messy divorce yeah and you sort of sat there on the weekend going can we go now dad you promised we'd go and he's just going and you've never you've cut me out of his life

I just want to do a tight 20 yeah that is awful but when the dressing room is bouncing it's sometimes as fun as the gig yeah and I need it

to be like that backstage to go straight from that oh right okay so that's another thing for you you're going to be in charge of the playlist well you're going to be

on his tour aren't you I'm so much my mate Rummy is coming on every day of my tour. I've got Vittorio, Ishan. I've got Jamie Hutchinson doing a few. Maybe you should have two support acts. And it just gets too busy, doesn't it? Maybe you should pay someone to be the dressing room guy.

Do you know if I get to that 2,000-seater venue level, I think I will have two support acts. All right, well, give us a shot. Chappelle did. Who would you book? were you're on tour you've decided you go for the rowey dressing room there's going to be lights parties there's going to be a spread hummus dips leg of lamb cocaine never to be combined big line of kids sit down for a row roast and then have lovely rose me in time get on me who would the who's the act

you would most like in there with you not going on you don't have to watch them do stand up who's the guy in the dressing room

that's going to get you in the mood without them ever being on the stage who's the the book in me like make sounds weird

can I give you a hundred quid to come and hang out in the dressing room Robert White Robert White Robert White. Robert White. Robert White, the gay, on the spectrum, musical comedian. Yeah, he can play some songs.

Yeah. Robert White, who I've had an email before I've gigged with him, asking to not talk to him before a gig. That's your dressing room. That's your dressing room. Please do not look Robert in the eye He's beyond Britain Got Talent And he's going to use

I was trying to pick someone Who I think it might not work with Just for the sake of comedy Oh hang on Let me just break that down Clever I like it I think Thomas Green and Brennan Rees

Who are doing the majority of my tour support I think both of them are going to be great for it. Good laugh backstage. I'm there, lad. Yeah? I go Fern Brady. And not many people know this, but Thomas Green can body pop.

So that's always fun to watch. Not many people know that. Not many people do know that. The same amount of people know that as know that Michael Caine is a nosy neighbour. Not a lot of people know that. No, they do since he was on TV. Who's your dressing room hype guy? as know that Michael Caine is a nosy neighbour. Not a lot of people know that, are they? No, they do, since he was on TV.

Who's your dressing room hype guy? Well, I've been touring with Matt Bragg, who's quite a new act, but he's so cool. He's sad on his fuckers, though. He's super cool, looks cool. He's a complete antithesis for me. It's like I consider myself as uncool. So for me, it's like it's like i'm the i feel i consider myself as uncool so for me it's like having the libertines open for books fizz or something do you know what i mean it's like i've got i've got that sort of like he's sort of sort of like they go oh god this guy's

sort of sharp looking cheekbones and all this then i go out just sort of you know just come from a spin class bit sweaty. Relatable. Relatable. Stop the relatable. Then it makes me think I could tour. He brings the edge in. Do you know what I mean? Where they go, oh, he's with this guy,

so he must be quite cool. They're from the wrestling. Bring the edge. They bring the edge. Well, a lot of them have hype guys, though, don't they? I'd love a hype man. Would you like a hype guy? I would really, really, really love a hype man.

Maybe that's where Steve's hours can be topped up from or Finn's and we get a new studio and we make them full time. Just have Finn before like even the opener goes on

Finn just has to go on and go coming on here tonight we got Adam Rowe. We gotta hype this motherfucker. He is, he is,

he is slowly getting out of debt. slowly he is now opening his mail sometimes he he has got a cleaner who comes on a bi-weekly basis by which i mean every two weeks not twice a week why would we get Finn as a hype man when he's not even allowed a microphone on the podcast? He hasn't got a microphone doing this either. He's got to shout.

Oh, that. In an arena. Are you feeling uncool? Have you always felt uncool? I remember when I told you years ago that I did drugs and you handled it like I was telling my grandparents I'd suck dick for money. You were like...

You went, really? Oh, well, you know, okay. Wow, I didn't realize. I mean, it's, you know, very modern. Do you not do drugs, Scott? No, I've dabbled in the past, but never, not now. Would you try heroin? No.

Well, would heroin? No. Why, would you? No. I think the actual follow-up is, I think the reality of doing them now is then you've got to build Duplo in the morning with a child. And I think that's possibly the worst come down you'd ever have to go through. Oh, yeah.

Is that you're up in the morning, you're taking him to dance, still high as a kite, queuing up with an leotard sort of twitching the morning, you're taking him to dance, still high as a kite, queuing up with an leotard sort of twitching. But if you're taking him to dance, if you're having a he, that might be fucking sad, mightn't it? Bring him in.

Straight in there. People judge 22-year-olds and 23-year-olds for doing drugs. Like, oh my God, they're so, they're off the rails. You're like, good. Yes. That was the time, innit?

That is the window to do it. When you're 46, it's probably not the best time to get into Mandy and go dancing. Yeah. I mean, I did the Reading and Leeds festivals this year and I've never felt as old sort of wandering about. I was like the dad with the car keys at a school disco. Do you know what I mean?

He still did the background, just sort of going, you know. What, did you play them or did you actually go? What, looking for the swingers too I did the gig Am I at the wrong party I looked out And I just thought This is ridiculous

Like they're all in sort of neon And sort of scantily clad and stuff And I'm wandering around In a burg house Sensible I thought you were going to say Berger then No, no, no

I went Lee's best friend Filled me Berger Thought it was the dumb thing. I'll tell you what about Scott Bennett. You know, he's culturally insensitive, but he's never sunburned. Give him that. But I was walking around sort of thinking,

you know, when it's sort of jazz with the sort of situation. But yeah, but this is a cool job we do. That's the thing. I think that's the one thing I've got going. One saving grace. Yeah, this is a cool job. You guys want to go to Leeds though, don't you? I found out this morning the Arctic

Monkeys are playing, so I'm going. I don't care how I go, but I'm going. Well, you're going to try and get Adam on. Yeah. Yeah, that's the way, isn't it? Carl told me this morning that I had to text my agent and try and get booked for Leeds Festival so that he could have the spare ticket. The line-up's literally been announced today, hasn't it? Yeah.

The hustle needs to begin now. Straight away. You've got to start with the slow burn. Yeah. I'm going. You're 29, you lot. You'll be 30 then. You're still within the margin of error.

We're over 40. What's the one, what's the festival that is in Lincolnshire? Is it Secret Garden or the Lost? Lost Village. The Lost Village.

Yeah. Oh my God. You just, it's basically like you're wandering around and they're all so scantily clad and they're all 18, 19. There's no one over the 22 and it really looks like you've just,

you work for St. John's Ambulance and you've forgotten your uniform. There is an age with festivals where it becomes really bad for you to be there but then I think it comes back around again. So I think maybe from like 38 to 70, you can't go. But if you're 70 at Leeds Festival, everyone will be like,

oh, look at this fucking half-Halliday. Figuring everyone. Oh, like the second wind. You're almost legendary because you've got... Yeah. Yeah. Those over 70s that are at a festival dancing, it's a very patronising...

How many have you seen? Everyone's still... Because it's on social media. You're like, look, granddad's dancing. That's fine if there's one of dancing, it's a very patronising... How many have you seen? Everyone's still... Because it's on social media. You're like, look, grandad's dancing. That's fine if there's one of them and it's ironic. As soon as you've got

a whole fucking busload of 80-year-olds like... In a mosh pit. On my count, go for it. One, two, three, fuck off, Maureen. Yeah, I don't want to...

I'll go maybe if I'm like the really old cunt but I'm definitely not in the festival window do you care what they think about you is that what you

care about I'm quite sensitive to outside like the atmosphere of a place if I catch a few looks like what the fuck

it would ruin my day really yeah I don't like going yeah I don't like drinking but then they instantly forget about you and you're like,

you used to have a good time. You're not ruining their day. Why should they ruin yours? Honestly, a festival surrounded by 18, 19 year olds does very,

very little for me. Do you ever watch Ant and Dec Saturday Night Takeaway? What? It does, it makes sense. Go on. So, you know when they do like,

undercover Ant and Dec, where they like, do the makeup and they make them look dead old. They could do that for you and make you look 17 and then you wouldn't feel self conscious

right right so I'm a paedophile but well hidden great why are you a paedophile that's great because is that not

what a paedophile would do dress as a 17 year old and go to a festival you think I'm watching too much Scooby Doo do you what paedophiles yes

finally we've unmasked the festival paedo and I would have You keep watching too much Scooby-Doo, you. What pedophiles do you think? Yes, finally! We've unmasked the festival pedo! And I would have got away with it. If I didn't fancy those kids. Yeah. That's a rough episode of Scooby-Doo, Dad. Loads of kids getting shagged. We need to find those who's doing this.

You're right, it is a rough episode, isn't it, Carl? Yeah. Scooby-Doo after dark. Late night Scooby you know when they do like Hollyoaks at midnight because they can't put it on before the afternoon Scooby-Doo where he actually got away with it

loads of people died we should have got him before he got away with it Scott's face like is this what you do my kids love Scooby-Doo as well I feel like it's slightly tainted that idea now

but they always sort of go on they're quite like the bit at the end where they reveal the mask and shit you know they're like

let's see who you really are and I think that's a really bad message isn't it because it's like never trust anyone do you know what I mean they can't build relationships because at some minute

that mask's coming off do you know what I mean don't bond with the teacher she's not who she says she is that'd be a pretty Do you know what I mean? They can't build relationships because at some minute that mask's coming off. Do you know what I mean? Don't bond with the teacher. She's not who she says she is. That'd be a pretty intense Scooby-Doo though, wouldn't it? Who was it?

Oh shit, it's the primary school teacher. That's who is killing people. It's everyone you trust is who it is. It's mum. Your parents are who they say you are. On Scooby-Doo, it's always the soundest one, isn't it? You can spot it within the first five minutes. Whoever's being the nicest, they're the one who's killing everyone. It's the person who owns the house. They don't kill you can spot it within the first five minutes whoever's being the nicest they're the one

who's killing everyone they don't kill people do they it's the person who owns the house who doesn't want to sell it or the estate agent yeah pretending to be a monster and haunting someone yeah

you should know that instantly if there's actually no crimes committed in Scooby Doo they just like jump out at people yay I've got to get to the bottom of this

do you want to see proper crime on Scooby Doo do you a band sort of stockpiling bodies in a basement I want them to get to the bottom of this Do you want to see proper crime on Scooby Doo? Do you? A band sort of stockpiling bodies in a basement I want them to go after the real criminals I want them to go after like tax evasion Unpaid parking tickets Real criminals

Tax evasion Murderers Fucking hell it was Adam Rowe What tax evader wears a mask? A whole episode of us just going through someone's receipts 20 minutes

says their dressing gown doesn't add up yeah dressing gown John Lewis come on HBO's Scooby Doo it would be good

if they were actual naughty people though yeah you caught like the murderer yeah he's already killed six people that's definitely a kids cartoon isn't it

but I like where we're going with it let's make kids cartoons naughty go thank you carl carl does this occasionally goes oh i've got a good idea no idea how you're gonna finish it what's that in there what about dexter's lab but it's based in wuhan and they release a deadly pathogen and causes a global pandemic. Right. Dexter's back. That could be contentious, yeah. Why? Didn't happen, did it? Right. Oh, not based in realism, so.

Adam's the writer, says that. So, so it's based in Wuhan and it's about the coronavirus that started in Wuhan, but you're like... I didn't say coronavirus,

I said the deadly pathogen and called it something else. Oh, okay, okay, okay. The Budweiser virus. But you want it to be in Wuhan. Yeah. Cool. Because they didn't do it,

did they? They said they didn't do it. So Trump supporters will love it. Yeah. No, they said they didn't do it. What are they going to sue me on?

Oh, this thing he's written is absolutely no basis in reality. Are you going to go and sue the writers of Back to the Future as well? Are you? I'm not.

I'm not. Well, I'm there oh yeah it's totally made up and it's never happening who are you who are you suing

do you not think they're getting fucking even at Scott even I lost the trailer that one

that all made sense see my kids don't really watch normal telly anymore they sort of like just scroll aimlessly

through unboxing videos and shit. You're making a lot of content and stuff, but then you look at these unboxing videos and they're getting like 45 million views of a kid in America opening a My Little Pony. Have you watched them though? Because I've watched people open trainees and it's fucking addictive.

Really? I watch tech unboxings a lot. Well, maybe that shows I've fucked that then, doesn't it? No, it doesn't. Again, it's definitely an age different thing. I have no interest in watching anyone open anything. If I was sat here right now with a kinder egg, you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off it.

I'd be mesmerised. Do you know what? I think I might be able to glimpse sideways once or twice are they into it the YouTube the YouTube thing's dangerous though because when

when Etta's got YouTube the most annoyed she ever is is when you're like that's enough YouTube now it's literally like taking this fucking heroin needle away from someone it's uh the whatever it does whatever gets in their head like however it's so interactive the way they can just scroll through it yeah i was saying on holiday earlier in the year they didn't understand that we were watching freeview they

were like this is boring next yeah i know it's just TV you can't what's this shite I had to explain to mine that you can't fast forward adverts in real time the other day just said she said can you spin on

no because this is now you're asking me to be a time lord mate do you know what I mean this is we have to sit through

this shit this is life I remember I remember yeah and it's just they won't sit through we used to enjoy is life. I remember. I remember, yeah. And it's just, they won't sit through it. We used to enjoy the advert. But then they're watching programmes like Postman Pat, who's flying around in helicopters and shit.

What? Postman Pat's been given an helicopter. Has he? I'm starting to write him for Postman Pat. No, if you watch it now. It's the most amazing level up ever. But the most annoying thing is, if you're a kid,

like a letter down the back of a chair or back of his van or a flood, that's like high octane. But now they go, no, that's not enough for kids. He's got to be in an helicopter winching a dairy cow off a cliff. He's not just got a helicopter.

He's got a speedboat. Yeah. He's got abseiling equipment. Watch an episode of Postman Pat. It's like Postman Pat and someone's trying to hide money. Like it's tax evasion Postman Pat. It used to be one bloke in what you assume is the Lake District with a cat and a van.

Now he's got the helicopter. He's got a speedboat. Quad bike. He's got a quad bike the new vehicles come every week it sounds fucking incredible

I want to watch it they're doing well but this is why they've got no attention span because he's wandering around like he's the fucking rock that's why they just can't focus

because it's like is it still called Postman Pass yeah Special Delivery Service oh shit it's a Jason Statham movie isn't it

Special Delivery Service yeah it is but that's like I don't you've got to question where that fucking money service special delivery service yeah it is but that's like you've got to question where that fucking money's coming

from though where's the helicopter you've got a Lake District post office and you've got a fucking

helicopter Pablo Escobar Pablo Escobar delivering little drug deals Pablo Escobar delivering little drug deals. Pat Lo'Escobar post. Yeah.

Improved it there. Dan's never been a fan of wordplay, have you, Dan? I know that about you. It's words. Different words. Puns. You hate puns. Some puns.

Sounds. Some sounds. What, even just... You're not giving me Pat Lo'Escobar post? Yeah, it's all even just You're not giving me Pat Loesker post Yeah that's alright You're not giving him that one That's good But when he's

In a mental mood He's like Just waiting to see one Pat Loesker Exton bar Ah fuck K-pop That was you

From before That was good that one K-pop Where's K-pop Come coming with your kids you've got like 10 five year old don't you not into it what's going on this is into manga now oh she's fucking cool yeah but then i'm like she was like can you buy me some and then i was like i was i was like no because someone's getting their head lopped off. I mean loads of it's really violent isn't it? Oh my god. You're talking about manga

as in like the. Yeah what do you think? I thought in your accent you just said mango. So I thought you'd said my one's into mango now. She's asked me could I get her some and I was like no because someone's getting chopped off. Not like avocados like they're really bad for the farm isn't that? I thought like

there was a big mango conspiracy theory where they were beheading people how violent is your local Sainsbury's people going in there going can I have a mango just spit blood

just to cry give it a rinse that's the way they tell the story of Liverpool though don't go in my fucking local spa and ask for a mango get a cap of tea

was that the first giveaway that it was weird? Like, what's your kid into? Mango. Mango? Yeah, that's what she's asked for Christmas. She's a normal kid. She wants just an exotic fruit.

Like, oh yeah, a mango, yeah. It's good for you. It's a middle class apple and orange. Just a mango in the sock. Just a big mango in there. I thought it all made sense. Yeah. Manga.

Yeah, but she's into that. And we're going to Comic-Con. Oh, sick. It's a Comic-Con. I thought Manga It all made sense Yeah Manga Yeah But she's into that And we're going to Comic Con Oh sick I've never been before She wants me to dress up You're dressing up I don't know

I don't even know what to do Do you like From your childhood Do you like any comic book characters Well yeah I spoke Batman Do you know who goes Batman You're just going to look like

You're just going to look like I mean this is a compliment I'm going to look like Holy Fools and Horses You've got a good face shape For Batman you know Yeah you are If the bottom of your face

Is Batman-ish Yeah Got a really good Chiseled jawline there Yeah And also you're over 40 And you'll be wearing A Batman suit

And you'll look like Fathers for justice So that'll be good You'll be like Oh my god good for him He actually got his kids back Well done And he's took them to Comic Con

Yeah yeah yeah Yeah don't worry When the police turn up Yeah okay I've broken the restraining order But you're my kids as well You've got to dress up Well done. And he's took him to Comic-Con. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry. When the police turn up, yeah, okay, I've broken the restraining order, but you're my kids as well. You've got to dress up. Yeah, I know, I have to dress up.

But then it's like I've almost done it on the fly, innit? If it was like Fathers for Justice custody, we're in the suit, Comic-Con, let's go. Where is Comic-Con? Is it not? It's an arena. It's all over the world. It's not here.

I've no idea. Do they travel the world? Yeah, it's all over the world. Yeah, I've just never... You're the same. I've never idea they travel the world it's all over the world yeah I just I honestly yeah I've just never you're the same we're not I've never been into it

that much no I would go and I would fully oh that could be a patron special the lids go to comic con oh my

we wouldn't belong genuinely we say some things for patron specials that I don't believe in and I think are dead silly this is fucking gold yeah

who you going as the penguin I just wanna be like as the penguin who's that stacy she always says that it's my go-to she leaves the room that's why she got sacked off east edinburgh because she kept saying that even though she kept doing it she kept doing Who was she, guys? I love Batman.

Batman's my... You can't go as one of the main ones. That's boring, innit? Catwoman. Okay, I'll give you that. I've got to go as one that doesn't look sinister. Dr. Robotnik from Sonic. Yeah. Oh, is that the one that Jim Carrey's just played

in the Sonic film? Yeah. I thought that was Rob Delaney when I saw the poster. I was like, fucking hell, he's doing well. No, one that Jim Carrey's just played in the Sonic film yeah I thought that was Rob Delaney when I saw the poster I was like fucking hell he's doing well no it's Jim Carrey I've Got A Go

is one of the cool sort of marvelly Iron Man sort of era Thor goes Thor yeah

hold back hold back cancelling your when you order Thor off Wish it just comes and puts up shelves and leaves I just can't go as one of the cutesy Disney you don't do that as a

Ant-Man he's the shittest, that's one of the shittest ones he climbs up Thamasa's arse and then expends himself I like Deadpool if we're gonna if we're gonna go I thought Deadpool

was good is that a bit is that a bit Comic Con hack though plus I've got psoriasis so it's like I'm halfway there the thing with

going as Deadpool is it doubles up as a gimp suit for other parties cool so that's the add-on to the patron special

after dark is there not like a Scooby-Doo bumming what is there not like a group Cool, so that's the add-on to the Patreon special, After Dark. Is there not like a group of guys? My Scooby-Doo bumming. What? Is there not like a group of five? Is that like the Avengers? The Jackson Five? I love that comic.

I love that comic. To Comic-Con. Chinese accent. I love that coming in in a sequence dancing across the arena. No one would question it. Do you like dressing up, though? I find it is a bit forced jollity when everyone says fancy dress. I once went to a fancy dress party,

and the person whose fancy dress party it was didn't dress up. Because they wanted to be different. Yeah, so they just sat there in normal clothes. That's an absolute cunt move. Fancy dressing, you do have to wear it ah fuck you yeah i uh i quite like fancy dress or the idea of it and then once you're in it you're just like this is just annoying do you know what i mean what was the last fancy dress you did um a pimp i was a pimp i was top gun it was the whole film I was going to say

which character Tom Cruise from Top Gun it was Tom Cruise I learned from my suit I was the pimp and what else did I do that's it isn't it there was one more

but I can't remember what it was pub golf when I was a golfer I suppose the pimp the pimp one was fine the Top Gun one was annoying because you're in a boiler suit and every time you need to have a wee

you basically have to get undressed and you're in a boiler suit and every time you need to have a wee, you basically have to get undressed. Yeah. And you're in a onesie, aren't you? Yeah, it's just annoying. I'd rather just be in my normal clothes. He's a fucking shit house, him. I've told you about him. You borrowed my Tom Cruise outfit?

Do you know what I mean? I borrowed it because you weren't wearing it because you went to this Danny Zuko and just wore the clothes you wore the week before and put a scar on your face. Because I'd worn that the night before. There's pictures of us on my knee. You daft cunts.

Bollocks. Right. There's pictures of me in my nitty he's daft cunt bollocks right there's pictures of me in it when he's a pimp was this a party or something it was a pimp

just me and Carlin playing FIFA on Halloween right I'm going to fix this buzzing on this line we will be back shortly

Adam get off your phone we're going to do a manscaped ad I'm reading what they want us to say alright we'll crack on hello ho ho ho

gentlemen the holiday season is upon us and this week's episode like many others is brought to you by our partners at manscaped.com they've just released a body wash and a shampoo that goes on top of the performance package 4.0 including the lawnmower this is the best in below the belt grooming for men worldwide and with this, you get a bit of discount and free shipping worldwide with the promo code WERD20. They do. They do.

That was better than the high-end. That was a great help with that, Bert. You shave your balls, your missus will smoke her the pipe with her face a little bit more often. And she could use it to trim the pum-pum. She can. And there's the weed whacker. You can shove that up your nose. You won't have hairy nose or ear stools anymore. And her arse. And she could use it to trim the pum-pum. She can. And there's the weed whacker. You can shove that up your nose.

You won't have hairy nose or ear stools anymore. And her arse. And her arsehole. Shave her arsehole. Shave everything you can possibly find hair on in your house. Shave the cat. You can do whatever you want with the Manscaped Law Bower 4.0. And you'll get 20% off and free worldwide shipping

with the promo code WARD20. In all seriousness, these products are the absolute dog's shaving bollocks and they make a perfect Christmas present. So go and get yourself some stuff now and enjoy the rest of the episode. Peace. Alright.

Just quickly, I'm doing a gig in New Brighton on April the 16th for Brett Vincent, who we mentioned yeah he said there's only a few tickets gone and I'm recording it and I want it to be good

so it's called The Joke Shop in the Anti-Super Supermarket if you're I've already done this gig and it's fun as fuck there was only about

80 of them when I did it but even with that it was amazing and if they end up getting 100 200 people in that room it'll be a phenomenal gig and if you're doing it yeah so Thursday the 16th But even with that, it was amazing. And if they end up getting 100, 200 people in that room,

it'll be a phenomenal gig. And if you're doing it, yeah. So Thursday, the 16th of December, and it's a good bill, and it's in New Brighton, isn't it? Yeah. Isn't New Brighton like, it's on the Wirral, but it's Scouse, isn't it? No, it's not Scouse.

You think they are? Right. It's sort of like... It's probably the scousest bit of the world yeah all right but they're still bulls but people who live there work in liverpool don't they some yeah probably but people who live in beirkenhead work in liverpool right yeah yeah yeah all right cool surrounding areas so if i'm like our lids in liverpool oh yeah absolutely take the fucking trek to yeah is that where you go On your Scouse holidays Sometimes the seaside Yeah for three weeks

Yeah Go travelling I go travelling Go travelling Did you take a gap year Around the world There's a Machu Picchu In New Brighton

Is there Yeah yeah No you're thinking Of a McDonald's Take six weeks To get there Yeah You're thinking

Of McDonald's Yeah but take six weeks To get there The drive through Machu Picchu We've got some questions Scott just on the subject

of gigs that we're doing a lot of people have been asking me about some extra tour dates so Runcorn's now been announced

and is on sale Black Pearl's sold out and the second date is now on sale Manchester the third date is very close to sold out so the fourth date

is on sale and finally Bristol I've confirmed it just before we started recording so that should be on sale. And finally, Bristol. I've confirmed it just before we started recording today, so that should be on sale by the time this goes out to add for me tour for next year. There are at least one more Liverpool date being added, and hopefully two, which will be announced this week, I hope.

And there's some very special, exciting stuff coming with those two Liverpool tour dates. So please keep an eye out for that. And as always, you can get tickets for all these shows and the rest of the tour dates that aren't quite sold out yet. Adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows.

And fucking Dublin, hurry up and sell that Monday out. That's the slowest one. The Sunday sold out straight away and the Monday's just trickling up. It's fine. It's already going to be good. But just fucking hurry up.

Everyone's been begging for Dublin for ages. Fucking come to Dublin. Monday the 23rd of May. Adamrode.co.uk forward slash shows. I've added South Shields as well. I've added South Shields. Oh yeah, that's how we do it. It's the most aggressive sales pitch.

We tried to get on top of the box by threatening everyone. Literally, I'll come round. If you don't buy tickets, I'm going to shout my set through your letterbox and by the way

just while we're on the subject Elton John is a fat knobhead he is a muppet I'll punch his head come on do you want a bit of this

do you want a bit of Elton in the head and Dublin buy the fucking Monday tickets Scott you're on tour I am yeah I mean mine

I'm just if you want to come you can that's the most pacifist approach I'm on tour starting

next year yeah in all over all over the country not Dublin you're doing Dudley though

I'm doing Dudley no I mean I was going to do Dublin but I wasn't aggressive enough to sell this but yeah starting when do we start May

May and then a few dates May June then rest of the year sort of 20 dates on scottbennettcomedy.co.uk

forward slash tour good luck mate we've got a the reason I got aggressive with Dublin I put a small room on sale on the Sunday and it sold out immediately and I got hundreds of people I got aggressive with Dublin, I put a small room on sale on the Sunday and it sold out immediately

and I got hundreds of people going, ah, I tried to get Dublin. So I added a second date in a much bigger room on the Monday and at the minute it's like half full. I'm like, fucking hurry up. Yeah. I can understand your frustrations there.

It's not the only reason you got aggressive though, isn't it? It's also because... You're aggressive. I'm an aggressive man. I know. But a very gentle lover. Got some questions. I'll stroke your hair while I'm fucking you.

There you go. That's nice. Come on. Which part of the body is that? What? That's just the... It's her back hair. The pelt.

That's her mane. He's getting into horses. Shut up laughing. It's back into horses. Shut up laughing. It's back to that beastie other thing. If you can fuck a hyena, I think you should be allowed. Absolutely. Yeah. There should be no laws against that.

In fact, I don't even know if there is. Yeah. If you're into hyena sex, have at it. Even the Africans are like, cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll sell tickets. Can you imagine if, like, you got into, like, a wild part of somewhere where hyenas are? Kenya.

Kenya. As a guest. Right? So you're in the Kenyan outback, right? Always the outback. Doesn't matter which country. It could be Buenos Aires. It could be fucking real. Take me to the outback. Take me to the outback doesn't matter which country it could be Buenos Aires it could be fucking real

take me to the outback you know take me to the outback yeah so you're in the Kenyan outback and you walk into this like field full of hyenas field

right field and you go to the first hyena would you try heroin there's a school of hyenas right that is not the collective noun it's a bastard of hyenas a bastard of no it's an absolute tw school of hyenas right that is not the collective it's a bastard of hyenas a bastard

no it's an absolute twat of hyenas right they're called a stag do they're called a stag do and they're all like and they're like going for you but then you get your dick out and they're like oh he just wants to fuck and they just spread the legs and like god fuck me do you know where I think your career could take you the next David Attenborough but like a really sort of like you know

X rated version of Attenborough where even the camera crew would go listen this is way too far I don't think that one's

going to be commissioned by the BBC that's got Sky written all over it I'm Vice Adam look at that fucking hyena dirty bitch

I'm Paralaba I'm Vice got sky written all over it i'm vice adam look at that fucking hyena dirty bitch i'm panorama i'm not saying aliens shags animals hyenas don't this doesn't look fun scott what's the what's the animal you'd shag if you had to any animal but you have to any animal i think the dolphin yeah because i think then what if you haven't got any particular girth, it doesn't matter because the blowhole is tiny. And also that sort of... That's not shagging it!

Well... So if you've got a little dick in the blowhole and if you've got an enormous one, right up the batty. Yeah, but then also, you're on about the stroking, it's that sort of wet aubergine feel. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, that sort of the velvet skin. Can I ask Scott, because you've chosen an sort of the velvet can i just go because you've chosen an animal of the sea it's an unusual are you going for the home or away leg if you're gonna bang a dolphin are you getting in the water are you getting oh i'm definitely getting in the water yeah yeah i mean i mean it would it would obviously come with us you'd have to scuba you'd have to be a decent scoop you'd have to enroll i mean that is a planning for a shag because you have to enroll in a scuba school i think they were selling these on the harbour in croatia you know one of the excursions yeah do you want to go to the five island tour or do you want to go dolphin fucker well yeah i remember in florida when i saw some perverted

little children getting in the water i was like you dirty little bastards i swam with dolphins once we on our what yeah we swam on our honeymoon. It sounds like it was going to be magical, and it was the bleakest thing. It was like trafficked dolphins. Where was your honeymoon? It was in Malta. In a garage?

And they sold it, like this day trip. They said, it's going to be amazing. What did you say again? In a garage. But they said, oh, it's going to be amazing, this. It's going to be like you're going to take them in the natural environment. It was literally like a sea world. They were just trapped and they couldn't move.

I just felt bleak. It was really bleak. You wasn't swimming with dolphins. You got a bath with a dolphin. It was basically having a bath with a dolphin. Bath with a dolphin would have been foot spa with a dolphin. A bath with a dolphin, though. Like, that sounds fun.

Both have a little glass of wine. But you had to take your... A romantic bath with a dolphin A bath with a dolphin though Like That sounds fun Both have a little glass of wine But you had to take You had to take your A romantic bath with a dolphin It's the opposite ends I like dolphin It's really nice Where's a dolphin

Where's a dolphin's pussy What Don't know Carl do you want to Google that one You Google that one I don't think it's the blowhole I think it's in it's chin Why do you think that?

It's a well known fact It's a little known fact It's a little known fact Not everyone knows More people now So buy those tickets For Monday night in Dublin Where Adam will be closing with his chin pussy bit. Adam, do the Dublin.

Do the chin pussy bit in Dublin. We love it. It's Dublin. It's Dublin. Dublin, Dublin. You had to take your jewellery off so you didn't scratch them, right? So I took my wedding ring off.

That night, I put it back on. Put it on the wrong finger. I had to go to A&E in Malta and have it cut off. Say what? Genuinely. You jammed it on the wrong finger? put it on the wrong finger i had to go to a and e in malta and have it cut off so what genuinely jammed it on the wrong thing put it on the wrong finger sat there at dinner jemma's like you got the ring on the wrong finger mate and i couldn't get it off and like they all sort of staff came with oil of oil started rubbing my finger and stuff because your hands were least romantic evening in my life and at night i could feel swelling. Like I had a massive sort of foam finger. How did you get it on?

Because your hands were cold from the water. Yeah, just put it straight on. Put it on the wrong finger. Not used to it. I'd go and A&E, have it cut off. And I think it was like a porter who did it. Not even a professional. He had a bin under his arm.

It was weird. What fucking wedding ring have you got that can scratch dolphins? Which is, any jewellery. You're looking like Don King. I'm going to take all my jewellery off. But yeah, anything. You could do a full shredder on them can't you with a any little bit of metal and was there any listen this sounds very insensitive but in malta with the swim with dolphins obviously there was

one couple on the honeymoon was there any children who it was the last sort of you know swimming with dolphins no i don't know that going on yeah that's a tricky cue to be at the front of, isn't it? When you're celebrating, like, we just want to celebrate our love. Little Timmy's not gone long left. Well, he's going to have to wait a little bit longer. I'm checking my wedding ring off, mate. Questions?

Questions? Yeah. Questions. Wag wag lids. After listening to every episode, I think it's fair to say you guys hate corporate gigs. Therefore, how would you approach organizing corporate gig if you have to, to make it more tenable? You've got the budget, you control what's going on, but you have to put on comedy at a corporate gig. Love the pod. Keep up the amazing work. Cheers, Ollie.

at a corporate gig. Love the pod. Keep up the amazing work. Cheers, Ollie. Okay, so first of all, open an act. Table magician. Yeah?

Have him going round while the food's being delivered. Then, one of the waiters is the comedian and they whip off their waiter uniform, throw a load of spag bol all over the place

and just start doing the set. 20 grand each. Wow. Famous comedian because 20 grand sounds like famous comedian money no there's not every comedian can pretend to be a waiter and then throw out that spag bol true 40 grand table magician said i get to control the budget i'm booking myself oh you're the you're the weight you're the waiter. Yeah. What? Why am I not giving myself this 20 grand?

In fact, if I'm 2 million, why am I limiting myself to 20 grand? What is me budget? Go on. 2 million to throw Spud down. 2 million was the budget. A realistic budget, I think, for a night of corporate entertainment is probably going to be around the 10 grand mark in it. Somewhere

5 to 10. And then they're going to, as a promoter, like well obviously I have to take half of that because I lifted up a phone and I fucking dialed a number. Obviously I need 5 grand. So 10 grand then. So how much are jazz quartet costs?

Are you trying to ruin their corporate night? Oh shit, that's the way just literally comedians that i don't like fucking brilliant i would actually go to that i put all the i'd make sure the corporate event was a nightmare massive like huge flowers on each table big round table i'd ask for a huge dance floor is there a DJ No Dan the promoter's Being a cunt What about one table That's big enough

To fill the room And the comedian Stands in the middle Of the table The UN Yeah like the UN Like the scene in Ali G

Where they all get Fucking stoned That table Wow What one big table Yeah Yeah One big table

What about one with a hole In like a donut That you're pinned in in the middle and you have to keep revolving to entertain what about the hole in the middle

but in the hole is a trampoline and you have to bounce the entire time in your set yeah this corporate gig is for

I know what you're thinking children this is at a primary school did you enjoy the bouncy comedian yeah a table that can move so you do one joke

to like one person and they go, no. And then they move you along. Do the next one. How would though, let's say your budget's 10 grand,

you've spent, you've spent five on a band, right? Or like a, whatever. So you've got five grand for a comic.

How would you make that comic's gig at a corporate so they're having five grand for a comic how would you make that comics gig at a corporate so they're having they're having a meal right three course meal they're doing the company awards which are going to take about 45 minutes and the comedian has to do a half hour set how do you set that room up and how do you sort of organize the evening so that the comedian has the best chance of possible of absolutely smashing the gig? It's about the venue, isn't it? And how you set the venue. Because really, a good comedian,

if you give them a chance, will probably be able... When it's after all of that, it's after the awards, it's after the meal, everyone's hammered, you're going on stage at 11, 20 minutes at 11 doesn't sound like much. You're fucked, aren't you? That's hard work. Game over.

Could you have a separate area where you just have theatre-style seating and a little stage and go, do you know what? Come in, have some drinks, settle yourself down. We're going to have a comedian to get the night going

and we'll do the awards here and then move to your table and that's where we'll have the meal. Like, is it possible? Comedian opens the show. Because it's like... If you really, if you can total control

that round table thing that everyone wants for their corporate events, that's the problem, isn't it? It's fucking grim. So theatre style seating in a corner. Just have a little, like a comedy club corner.

The comedian goes on, does half an hour. Nice one. Going Just have a little, like a comedy club corner. The comedian goes on, does half an hour. Nice one. Going to have a little break now before the food comes out. So you can go and get a drink and a ciggy and whatever. Then your food will come out.

Then we're going to do the awards and then to close the night, we've got All Saints. If I had had to guess, if I had had to guess, who was closing that show And we've got a free drink from Honky Pop Can you imagine them getting that call

All Saints Management We've got a corporate, it's in Birmingham It's near the NEC Can you read for Maybe literally dusting off the fucking phone Like they have one phone Oh my god the All Saints phone I've just also added

the budget if it's say you've got five grand for comedians instead of just five grand on one knobhead who admittedly five grand's good

do that I've done corporate where there's a compare and there's two acts and there's like we do a 45 minute bit of stand up and then it's the awards

that's a nut like if we're really trying to make it tenable I love the ones where they're like yeah there's two of you and we've got a compare and the compare is a battle hardened you've done some fucking like scott and i are really good mates from ringing each other after gigs and whatnot yeah some of the gigs like cb radios yeah you some of the gigs that you ring me like not now

because things are going better but like the golf club gigs that you rang me after he's like dan i've just done a golf club. It wasn't good. I'm like, I know. It's that thing of like fundamentally you're a guy entertaining a lot of white, white old men. Yeah. Sat in sort of penguin suits and you walk out there going,

this is fundamentally wrong. This whole idea is wrong. And I've had somewhere genuinely i feel like i'm dying inside in real time if you looked into my eyes there's bits of my soul just crumbling i mean it's like it's like i don't know i don't understand what they are getting from that because they hear me and think oh he's just like mainstream we've talked about this before i can do that he's a gag man and stuff and when i start talking about myself they look at me like I'm Ross Noble

like what's he doing we don't care about your wife and kids mate where's your jokes and then you start then those events tell us about the two Asian gentlemen

and the homosexual who walked into a bar it's unbelievable and then they go they go like oh are you the comedian yeah

mention Dave mention his wife they'll give you no other back story I had a fucking email the other day from someone saying me mate's coming

to your tour show in London here's a load of stuff about him make sure you rip him I'll be with him I nearly like I've just blanked it

but I wanted to reply and go don't fucking come send me your PayPal I'll send you your fucking money back you daft cunt fuck off

because it's the roast of my mate but also the worst thing is is you daft cunt. Fuck off. Because it's the roast of my mate. But also, the worst thing is, is you'll do that bit, and the person who suggested it doesn't laugh, and the person you're attacking has got some dark secret about his wife that you've now unravelled. It just storms out crying. Those corporate comics that are like,

yeah, I'd like to just get a gauge of the room, get to know a few characters, then just get involved. It's a dangerous game, that, isn't it? If you get one gauge of the room get to know a few characters then just get involved it's a dangerous game that isn't it if you get one bit of bad information I think the corporate thing's alright

because usually the money's more but when it's like the golf club thing I remember once I was struggling so much like material wasn't working I think the guy who introduced me

was a frustrated comic and he was like if this guy's shit we can put the football on it was during the World Cup we could still watch the football and they gave you that mic if this guy's shit we can put the football on it was during the world cup we could still watch the football and they gave you that mic if this guy's shit we can put the football on please welcome on stage that was literally and then you're tethered from the djs mic you've got

like a meter of cable so you're like a dog outside a shop do you know what i mean just sort of pinned like woody from toy story with his little his mic and speaking on it everyone's got the back to you and then you start sort of chatting and you think like it's like literally free falling and you're like

you're going like I'll try the best bit of material nothing and then I sort of tried to chat to someone and he sort of said I'm not helping you that's what his response was

I'm not helping you so that was like the knife through the parachute and it's just an awful and you get to the end and you think it was completely pointless. The worst one I ever did was with,

it was booked by Phil Walker. And I, they were like, oh, the food's on at eight. And I was like, cool, I'm a fussy eater. So what's my stage time? And they were like, oh, you'd probably be on about nine. I thought they'd just been like,

oh, we're having food at eight. If you want a plate, then you should be there for eight. I didn't realise at round table events you're meant to eat with them. Oh, yeah. And then they go, we've got the turn. He's on table six. And then you're just meant to stand from the table.

Thanks very much. The pudding was amazing. Let me tell you some jokes about Scottish people being tight. And everyone's like. So I just, because I'm a fussy eater and I don't like eating... I hate set menus. I was like, cool, I'll get there at nine.

I was waiting outside. I died in such a spectacular way that it made the other comedian that was sort of in the back of the room, Jamie Sutherland, he was cringing for me. It wasn't even one of those ones where you're like,

that was fucking good. He was like, oh God, good God. He'd seen some shit. It seemed a trauma. It was a complete and utter rejection of everything about me.

You know, sometimes in a room of like old men, there's some younger lads and you're like, come on lads, you've got to fucking save me here. Even they were like,

you need to sort your fucking life out, mate. It was awful died on my fucking hoop it's when you and the feedback the next day with my i was like i told my agent i was like because it was when i had an agent i was like it was uh it was it was bad it was autobiography bad it was that bad and the feedback, first act we've had not eat the meal for 20 years. And I had no, I literally had no idea.

Way outside, just tell me my stage time, I'll wander on. They were appalled. Because I hadn't eaten at Lytham St Anne's Rugby Club for their fucking whatever it was round table. First act that hasn't eaten the meal for 20 years. How could we listen to him? The bastard. It was that bad.

That's fantastic. Who's asked about eating the meal? The round table cunts. Why do they care whether you eat? They see it as rude. If you do an after dinner, if you do like a sportsman's dinner. And you don't do the after,

don't do the dinner. You just do the after. Yeah. So you've got to sit and eat with them. You sit at the top table at a sportsman's dinner. And you don't do the after, don't do the dinner. You just do the after. Yeah. So you've got to sit and eat with them. She sits at the top table at a sportsman's dinner. So on the stage,

there's a long, you know like at a wedding? Yeah, yeah. There's a long table on the stage. There's the host, the guy who's organised it, the you,

and the sportsman. And you're just on stage, just, yeah, having me balanese with some alcoholic darts player like is it my time

I've got a story what's the fucking point in that I don't know but it's just a weird tradition it's just the way they do it yeah

and then the host goes up and goes alright what's happening then they bring the speaker on and then you go on after the act they've all paid to see

but then the sportsman as well gets an envelope stacked full of cash. Yeah. On the way out, they get like a bung. Yeah. And you get like, count yours out begrudgingly. You were just as shit as the company had last year. There you go.

Yeah, it's really tough. Oh my God, that's giving me like PTSD From fucking shit And it's Christmas Have you had any Christmas stinkers yet? Just had a woman who didn't understand It was a rhetorical performance And kept answering the questions that I was asking Always fun

Yeah Always fun Can I tell you what I think about that bit? Put the phone down I was doing my GP reception Put the phone down Ring him back What my GP reception. Put the phone down. Ring him back. What?

They said that was the heckle? Yeah. Advice? Yeah. She thought, like, the problems I was explaining on stage, she thought I'd turned up. And it was at the MNS Bank Arena Auditorium in Liverpool.

There's a thousand people there. She thought I'd turned up and been like, does anyone know the best way to get a doctor's appointment? Does anyone get any idea what I'm doing wrong here? Because, you know, I've been trying for months and I've written it into this humorous anecdote, but apart from that, I could really do with an appointment.

I hope she's not a fucking fan of this podcast and she's at home going, the dolphin's pussy's near the fin. She's an idiot. Fucking idiot. Have you had any stinkers this year? Not really. I mean, we've had a couple where there's been 69 people in the works do.

Just the general sort of lack of concentration, but nothing. But I think you always have those flashbacks, don't you, to the ones you've had in the past that have been horrendous. Just sort of ones where I've had ones where I've gone in, there's been no heating on in the gig. They've all sort of sat there in the had ones where I've gone in there's been no heating on in the gig they're all sort of sat there in the coats like a hurricane relief situation

or like on like they're on a Duke of Edinburgh like that and then you love this fear in the staff's eyes when they realise they've got to do

like a free course Christmas lunch and they normally just do burgers and they're used to just like they've got to be Heston Blumenthal

I hate the smell of a roast when you walk in a comedy club in December and you can smell a Christmas dinner. You're like, it's here. They're here. I was sat in the frog with John Hastings,

Phil Ellis, and Vince Atta last week. And we all got off at a roast dinner. It was quarter to 11 at night and we all had a few potatoes. I just burst out laughing. Phil Ellis was like, what are you laughing at?

I was like, it's how sad our lives are. We're having a Christmas dinner in November at quarter to eleven at night because it's free I told you the other night the other day

off pod the story so last weekend the hot water on the Saturday was a proper kick off at the the second to last set I was doing

so I called these girls the Sheil Road Night Out which is a very famous prostitute street in Liverpool. And she hit a woman's head on her way out of the row in front of her because they're the ones who'd complained saying, these are talking and that's why I started dealing with them. So I went to the girl, I'm really sorry about that. I felt like I antagonised them.

So I'll buy yous a round of drinks in the next interval. How many of yous are there? And she went, nine. I went, so fuck that, I'll buy you a drink. What are yous are there and she went nine i went so i'll buy you a drink what are you drinking and she went nine beers amazing well i just had a thought i did a sportsman very quick this is the worst and best thing i've ever seen i did a sportsman's dinner with a sportsman i'll have to not name but they've since passed away anyway it was it was in this it was near Liverpool

actually like a Mason's place Masonic Lodge Masonic Lodge and we sat there and the guy just had a proper meltdown like he'd been drinking all day and like you could tell

like the atmosphere was bad and he brought his driver who was also like an ex-gangster I think from Stoke-on-Trent and they they sort of like he goes my driver needs a meal. This was the first thing he went, my driver needs a meal.

And they sat him in between me and another, like a kid's chair. He sort of like goes, he can sit here next to you. You got a high chair for me, driver? And it was the most terrifying. Every conversation he did either started with violence or ended in violence. You know, like when you're having a chat with someone someone you think at any moment he's going to chin me as part of this story so he's a darts player i'll allude to who it was but he was he you know he was famous and then he

torpedoed his career and then everyone was asking him questions and he was just down in guinness no no you're warm but it was it was it was down in guinness right and this guy next to me was just he was just going on and on talking about when he'd done a skydive it was just madness and how did the skydive end in violence because he said the guy said you can't go that high i said i want to go that high he was getting really into it and then i went well what happened was he said i got him in an headlock and i said you're gonna have to let the let the wire out or something i was shitting myself and then and then he sort of said there's only one person in the world that can tame me and

that's my lady that was like a moment of calm like this guy next to me and anyway he went on he answered all these questions and every questions like one of them was like what do you think of ted anki who was a darts player and he went he stinks next question like just sort of said you want to save you know you want to keep your money safe i'd under a bar of soap it's not a bad joke that actually and his first meeting to me was i like that shirt you know what that'll go well with an iron like really slamming me as well. Nice. And he gets to the end, and the guy said something like,

he sort of stopped, he tanked, because he just, he was too hammered, right, and he sort of downed the Guinness, crushed the can, and walked through,

and then they said, oh, if you want a signed picture, he's just said he's going to be in the bar, and the 50 quid, that was his final note. 50 quid? 50 quid for a signed picture. That's a he's going to be in the bar and the 50 quid that was his final 50 quid for a signed picture fucking dream huh but yeah it was just doing a q a pissed i mean we've we're doing six quid each and two for the time a lot of that sounded like the last dance nearly what about that comedian you're like fucking stinks but it's also when you get like a

guy come up to me just before i was about to go on and this i've never forgot this conversation he went are you a comedian i went yeah yeah he went all right yeah it's good isn't it making people laugh and stuff yeah yeah he said i'm a funeral director is what i do all right he says look at this show me on his phone he'd had like a horse drawn carriage that day like a black carriage like with horses with purple plumage. And he went, see that? That's a 26-year-old she was. Young mum, all life ahead of her. And this is, you know, that was the other day. So it's not an easy job.

I stood there laughing and he went, are you about to go on? Yeah. He went, yeah, I have a good one. Just think about death while you're up there. That's, honestly, it was the weirdest night

of my life and watching this guy, ex-darts player, just torpedo his career. I think some, the great thing with comedy is like, there are so many

great gigs, isn't there? Like, so many good gigs. But if we sat here and went, oh, do you know what

another great gig is? Do you know, oh, another one that I did was brilliant it's just not interesting especially to comedians I literally want to hear about the Undertaker going she just had three kids whole life ahead of her

shall we do some have a words shall we have a word it boys I think Scott could give some good advice wag wag my missus has the tree up already word it, boys. I think Scott could give some good advice. Wag wag. My missus has the tree up already. She's had it up since the first week of November.

Now, her birthday is on Boxing Day, so once Christmas Day is over, Christmas is done in our house, and Stephmas begins. Oh, fuck. So she gets the tree up early to get the most value out of Christmas. I think seven weeks is a bit much, though. Should I just tell her to get on with it,

or do you think she's as ridiculous as I do? When do you guys get all the deckies out? Not sure who you need to have a word with, but I need help. Scott, what's your Christmas, when are you getting out? I think it's getting earlier and earlier, isn't it? I think people are wanting a bit of joy in their lives. Gemma doesn't. I don't really do anything.

I've told loads of people this. Gemma's completely control of my life. It's bliss. Just Christmas? I don't think really now. I've stopped thinking. She'll literally go to me on a Sunday

we're out today get dressed like I'm a kid come on have you been very you know genuinely I'm a toddler in that situation

at the end of the day we'll be driving home you did well well done you did well there well done but yeah she'll sort of like

do everything she's incredible really i like um i think it's going to get to the point where i ask her actually if i like people do i like these people yeah you like these thanks oh yeah laura's got to the point where she's like she's it's like having a like a press secretary she's a politician she just goes right that one's just through been through a divorce it's like having a voice in my head i was with i was walking into beeston where we lived the other day it was like being out with the stroll with mother teresa she knew everyone it took his ages she's shaking people's hands how's your how's your extension

going is it going all right brilliant how's dad? Has he come out of hospital? How do you know all this? The backstory. And I said to her, I said, it's embarrassing how monosyllabic I am. Stood behind her like this. I might as well be on a DS.

You're going on tour, Scott? You go on tour, yeah. Sure. It's going to be fine. I'm going to go to Dublin when I can be aggressive enough to sell tickets. Literally, I might as well be going, how's school, Scott? So Gemma was up a ladder putting lights up on our bay window the other day. What were you doing?

I was inside waiting to find out what we were doing. what were you doing? I was inside waiting to find out what we were doing but I don't honestly so ours went up probably last week

in November but it is a bit early man it's too early I think the last weekend in November if you work 9 to 5 and you've got to do it on a weekend day

with your missus fine but it should be the 1st of December as a rule always it But it should be the 1st of December. 1st of December. Always. It's got to be the 1st of December. 1st week of November is criminal.

Yeah. That's a 6th of the year. And taking them down on Boxing Day because it's stiffness. Get fucked. Yeah. She can suck a fart out of my arsehole this one. Yeah, absolutely. Getting in line behind Elton.

I have to say, the only thing that's fucking changed my opinion on this is the fact that the christmas tree we've got has got like built-in lights we spent a bit of money there last christmas lad and it's the the light coming off these trees is stunning and i'm not allowed to fuck with extra lamps i would have more like i'd light the living room up more yeah generally as soon as we get the christmas tree the the living room looks so much nicer yeah it's a bit dim otherwise but actually yeah first of december my tree went up properly last night and my little brother come around and genuinely i was so proud of this because my little brother is like carl if he can insult me he will do you

know i mean and he come in and i watch think of the tree? He went, Jack, lads, I genuinely mean this. That could be in an advert. That's high praise. B&M. This could be in the window of my axes and no one would bat a fucking eye on it. When did he come down, though? I have to admit, like, since you spent the money, when you spend a bit of money, that's when you're like, we're getting value out of that.

Like, because we've got an expensive tree and expensive decorations, I want it up longer. So before, I'd be like, mate, as soon as New Year's Eve's done, as soon as you're on New Year's Day, hangover,

should be down on the second or whatever. But I don't know. I think the second to the sixth is the right window. I think if you still get your Christmas tree up on the 6th of January,

do you not feel like, as soon as it's after the New Year's Eve piss up, I'm done with Christmas then. I'm ready to crack on. I look forward to a tip run then. Between Christmas and New Year, that's my boxing day.

When I can go and do a tip run and then you see all the discarded Christmas trees and you're like, yep, the joy's done. Get back on with it.

Just a load of dads in a queue. A load of dads in a queue because when the tip opens, that is like a moment of... After the pandemic, there was a two and a half hour queue outside our local tip. And I was like, Laura, how the fuck are people sitting in it?

And she's like, yeah, they're just dads who don't want to be in the house. They've just had a lockdown and they're like, just want to sit in this car. We're doing nothing for two hours. Putting one piece of wood in at a time. What are you doing, mate? Shut up! I'm dragging this out.

Taking my time! Splitting down fence panels. I had the clothes clear out the other night. That felt good. Oh, it feels great. Just throwing away T-shirts that, like, I've lost the dream of ever fitting back into. I've put them in a bin bag to go to the charity shop.

I just did the same thing, but with thin clothes. I'm not even messing. I've had a drawer of,, I'll get back in them. This week, I was like, that's not happening. They're in the book. I had a few t-shirts from my very slimmest last year, and I've thrown them away because I'm like, they're just making me sad.

Yeah. Like, they're nowhere near me. Like, I am losing weight, and I'd love to fit back in them at some point, but if I get to that point again, I'll buy new ones because we're at least six months away from that. Yeah.'m not trying to in the past when i've tried to lose ways i've tried to lose it dead quickly and i always put it back on i'm doing a lifestyle change it's gonna be a while when a medium t-shirt looks like spanks you probably need to just bin it don't

you do you not go through a system of t-shirts though bed t-shirt before you chuck it. No, I don't wear anything in bed. Completely naked. Okay, good. That was the weirdly homophobic, homosexual moment. I was there. I don't wear anything in bed, Scott.

Get on me. Are you dressed in bed? No, I go completely naked. I'm head to toe naked, mate. Yeah, I feel... I'm not head to toe. I don't like... I feel vulnerable.

But I have my undies on. What are you vulnerable to? People who can't take undies off it's just if we ever get broken into I feel more comfortable confronting the attacker with my undies on

put them on before you confront them no that's a waste of time I've already got to grab the axe yeah that's how you get murdered and bummed yeah do you know why I stopped wearing underwear in bed? it's because

when I was a teenager I'd lost a testicle through it twisting. And they said to me... Sorry, Scott. No, the doctor said to me, and it stuck in my head, don't wear underwear in bed. Because it can encourage a twisting.

How tight were your kegs? Did you really lose a testicle to twisting? You only got one ball. Yeah. Oh, sick. My mates had one of them. Sick. It happened, yeah.

But apparently... What happened? Tell me the story. Tell the story. My mate got kicked in the bollocks and literally got one of his balls kicked off. Right, well, that sounds more manly than I had the wrong size underpants on.

Yeah. Go on, Scott. It's called torsion testis. It's a genuine medical thing so it sounds like something Audi would have in a car that

yeah yeah I lost one of my bollocks going 90 around the corner that's Vosch bollock twist but it's sort of they twisted and I always remember

because like you I woke up like in absolute agony because I went to the doctors in the day and they said oh it's just a poor muscle, that.

And he sort of sent me home. And in the middle of the night, it was awful. Have you got pecs on your bollocks? Pecs? Yeah, like muscles. Poor muscles, poor muscles. So you've been deadlifting?

So they all wrap up? Internally. Oh, like the Christmas tree lights. You think you can untangle them, like spin them back like a swing. The other way. Just get Gemma on them. Take me time. Find the end. Loop it through. You think you can untangle them, like spin them back like a swing. The other way. Just get Gemma on them. Take me time.

Find the end. Loop it through. Yeah, you find the end. But like, yeah, so they're swissed internally and it cuts off the blood supply. And they have to remove it because you get gangrenous if not.

So like, you're like, yeah. So it's like, gone. One plum tomato down there. Have you got a fake one in there? They offered me a fake one, but I was a bit... I don't know why that's funny, but the idea that...

It is funny! Show you like tiles. Which one do you fancy, mate? Do you know what I mean? I thought about having one big one next to the small one. Oh yeah, that would be funny as fuck. Like a game of crown green bowls.

Oh, a jack. A jack and a big bollock. Who doesn't want an, yeah. Like a game of crown green bowls. Oh, and a jack and a jack and a big bollock. Who doesn't want an omni bollock? That's just sweet. A new variant?

But I was like, because I always say, like someone said, oh, why didn't you do it? Because I had a bit of a fear of hospitals because I didn't know I'd lost it

until I woke up. I went in in pain, got put under, came round bollock gone did a vet do this I woke up

I woke up in between a dolphin and a Shetland pony so I'm a stroke in your butt do you know what I mean how old were you 15

oh right I thought you were a grown man 15 years old no you have to sign something as a grown man to be like

wake up oh my god his dick and balls are gone I tell you what Gemma doesn't fuck around I said I said I said to people

like people say well why don't you do it because the last time I let someone loose why didn't I have a fake one with a scalpel I lost a bollock and it's like

you don't go back and park your car in the same street where someone nicked your alloys that's the same logic and you don't go back and think we'll take the other one like some sort of human scrapyard we'll keep that as a spare my mate from

growing up got kicked in the bollocks and literally like it separated his bollock from his bollock pipe and they just took it off his bollock pipe they said that these bollocks come off bollocks that's what the doctor said like sit down lad so you've got two bollocks and two bollock pipes and one of the bollocks is no longer attached to the bollock pipe so what we're going to have to do

is wash that off throw it in the albidore with it Liz and you're going to be fucking yeah Mr One Bollock forever and uh and then he said his name

and we're raising money for charity kids with spazzy eyes knobheads called Zoe. Dr. Adam, where did you get your degree from? John Moore's, go fuck yourself. John Moore's medical degree, that'd be funny. The University of Yemma.

My mate, the only reason I mention it as well, is a friend of mine, I found out on a stag do, another lad who I'd just met, he had one bollock as well, but he had a fake one and then when we got shit face later on he got his fake bollock out in the pub and started flicking it to prove he couldn't feel anything it was the grimmest stag ever that's how you know when the energy's gone out of a out of a group when it goes like, right, get the bollock out.

Go on, Johnny lad, show everyone your fake bollock. We need to spice this chat up. Shall we call it a pod? Call it a pod. You happy with that? Absolutely. Scott, it's been an absolute pleasure, my friend, to see you in person.

We always speak on the phone, in the car. Just remind everyone where you can get your social medias and your tour tickets. So it's scottbcomedyuk on Twitter and Instagram and scottbennettcomedy.co.uk forward slash tour for the tour. So yeah. And also we've got, we're starting a new podcast, Gemma and I. We did the Shed thing in lockdown.

Still on the Facebook page. Yeah. Still on the Facebook page. Stand up from the Shed. And we'll be starting a new one called Brew with the Bennets in the new year going through the pandemic there was a handful of comics that came out of it looking better, me and Adam were one of them

for zooming our tits off and you did a live show from your shed every Friday in lockdown and it went amazingly it was a weird thing isn't it, I think you all, everyone wanted to do something, I mean you guys have built, isn't it? I think you all, everyone wanted to do something. I mean,

you guys have built this. It's incredible. I think you, you sort of, everyone had to respond in a weird way. I don't think it was by design. I mean, the momentum

that got us here, we, it was weird because we were desperate but that got the ball rolling to where we are now. Like, I don't know how long

we would have been in my spare room. I don't know if we'd have started a Patreon. It was the, like we would just do a pod a week and that lockdown

made us kick it into a different gear and we started turning out more and we started a Patreon and it changed how we were doing it. Same shit, still talking bollocks,

but. Do you think if the pandemic Sorry mate, bollock. Opening old wounds there. I don't, flashback. But I can never open a tin of plum tomatoes anymore.

Oh my God, God, that hurt my fucking bumhole. Hearing those words. Felt it in me bumhole. If you hadn't had a pandemic, do you think you'd have done it? So we were already started. Oh, you'd already started. But do you think it would have accelerated? I don't know.

I think it changed how we were doing it. We will never because like we'll just never know i think it probably benefited us but you never know it could be even bigger than it already is but we had a conversation before that we started the patreon going maybe we should just keep doing it for free you know and like the patreon was the thing that stopped us delivering for fucking amazon so i think it changed that, but, but it's misremembered that we were, we were doing it for nearly three months before. Oh,

Bojo, the lion fucking scruffy cunt put us into lockdown. Can you just, for me, I really feel like this next tour needs a Dublin date. If you could just do it to camera and just threaten the people of Ireland. You haven't got it in you. I'll do it for you.

Listen to me now, Dublin. I swear to God, if I take my top off again. You could be my aggressive, not hype man, you could be my aggressive man. Whenever I need something dealing with. Me. I bring you in or I bring Adam in. No, no, no.

Aggression for hire. Should be you. You got it all out. Yeah. I don't think I can do A topless fucking pod Two weeks in a row I took my top off In the last podcast

Yeah Quite Yeah A lot of freeing I had more men I think straight men Sliding in my DMs Than I'd like

Weird reaction To getting your dad Dad butt out on a pod A lot of men just feel obliged to be like, I need to tell Dan that I quite liked it. Yeah, cool. Cheers, thanks. I think there was something quite primal about it.

There was? Yeah, there you go. I'm just about to announce my Dublin date, so it's worked out fine. I think you are definitely going to get your top off at the live stream. I'm doing it topless, yeah. Yeah.

Hotwatercomedy.co.uk For a reason. Forward slash something. Oh, mate, buy the live stream. It's going to be fucking amazing. The Christmas party, eh? All right, Scott, it's been a pleasure.

Thank you, mate. Thank you so much. Cheers, lads. Pre-order Laura's gone. Please. Nice one. Get on me. Bye.

We gone? nice one get on me bye make up you you you