Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #151 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

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What's happening lids and lidettes, it's Adam here and Dan. Before we start this week's episode, we've got to tell you that we are going for Christmas number one with our original song written and sung lead vocal by our very own Finlay Cullavuz. It's called Lord Has Gone. It's going to be Christmas number one. You can pre-order it right now on iTunes and on Amazon Music. And on top of that, we've got a little documentary coming out on Friday, the 10th of December, showing you the entire record day at the Moser Museum Studios in Liverpool. That's exclusively going on Patreon. Wag wag lids. Thanks for downloading the public episode of Have A Word.

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Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word.

Go, Ed. Get on me. What's happening, lad? Have you been up to? Yeah, not much. I've just been down the homeless shelter taking all the food off them. I just bummed a dog. I've been, like,

you know, you know the, you know the NSPCC? Yeah. That kids charity. I've just been going there pissing on the kids, mate.

That's what I've been up to. Like, you know, like you always do, Ed. Yeah, but like, it doesn't matter,

does it? Because like, if we get caught, we'll just go, oh, well, we're doing that Christmas song for charity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's going to get Because, like, if we get caught, we'll just go, oh, well, we're doing that Christmas song for charity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's going to get us in trouble because of that Christmas song that everyone's buying. I wonder why I've gone for Elton's voice being like, yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, lads. All right, everyone, I'm Elton John. I bum dogs. We know you're Elton John.

You're talking out your chin, Elton John. I would wave. I'm introducing myself. Have you never podcasted, Ed, you fucking ginger nonce? Why are you talking out your chin, Elton nonce? Why are you talking out your chin? What? Why are you talking out your chin? Because I know how shit that's going to sound.

He sounds like he's wearing Ed Sheeran's face post the murder of Ed Sheeran. I hope this video never gets out. He puts the lotion in the bath. I loved the Downing Street party last year. That me and you sunga. Yeah, I had a great time there. Yeah, it was great, wasn't it?

Candle in the wind. I dropped all the bangers. Rocket man. Yeah. And this shite. By the way, how's the puppy breeding farm where we abuse all the dogs?

How's that going? I drowned all them cunts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah I drowned them all. The fucking pedigree chunk costs shit loads. Good job we're untouchable Illuminati us lads Good job no one can ever tell us what to do because we are Ed Sheeran

and Elton John and we do what the fuck we want Is that what we do when we're chatting we just remind each other do you know what Ed you're fucking right we are

Elton John and Ed Sheeran we always say it don't we I hope this video never gets out me imagine if this gets out and people find out

that we've been trafficking women imagine this for the international sex trade yeah yeah but white ones alright

imagine if they find out we've been shipping women off for the international sex trade. Yeah, yeah, but white ones, all right. Imagine if they find out we've been shipping women off to be fucked in the arse against their will. We're getting so much trouble. Wow, on the last one. Wow, on the last one. I'm just saying, like, it's quite bad what we've been doing. Ed Sheeran's the new Jezain Maxwell. I fucking love Epstein Island.

Ed, why do you look Polish? What, me? Yeah. You. Why do I look Polish? Is that what you think Polish people look like? No, the sun. It's because I was recently in Poland.

That's what it is. I was recently in Poland getting women getting women to sell to to to the sex slave trade and that's why you look Polish

because you're in Poland is that how that works yeah you know like when you go on holiday to Spain and you come back with a bit of a tan you look a bit more Spanish right I've been to Poland

so I come back looking a little bit more Polish yeah should we should we close this out with our Christmas song that no one should buy? I can't believe people are buying that shit. I can't believe, and if you play it backwards, it tells them everything we've done

against the law for years. If you play it backwards, it goes, we sell women and we murder all the dogs. We drown the dogs on Pedo Island. I took all the dogs to Pedo Island. I've got unpaid

parking tickets. That's too far, that. Genuinely, I'd love to see us sing our Christmas song. You know the Elton John Ed Sheeran one that you wrote that we definitely know

don't we so ready after three the one that we stole from an independent struggling artist yeah ready

because I because I definitely heard it before we made them in cold blood and wiped his entire family off the face of the earth so that no one could catch us that song

the one we've released for christmas saying it's for charity but really it's just to fund our sex slave business which is currently struggling due to the impact of covid and brexit you're trying to get sympathy for your sex slave business imported a fucking nightmare can't get any street whores through the borders all my street whores are in Dover I can't believe

people have fallen for it thank god thank god that we we look set to beat that have a word podcast which by the way I've listened to

and it's fantastic you like it I love it it might be the funniest podcast in the world yeah yeah it's fantastic and I do you know what I think all sex slavers enjoy have a word Fantastic. You like it? I love it. It might be the funniest podcast in the world. Yeah, yeah. It's fantastic. And I, do you know what?

I think all sex slavers enjoy, have a word parent. Do you know what? They, like the lads working there, they're really good eggs. And everyone says how sound they are. And they're good in bed. And they've all got massive willies. And do you know what? I've got respect for them.

Obviously, I'll never say that publicly. Because they're our rivals. But at the end of the day, they're better than we are. They've never sold a woman into sex slavery. No, for a while. They've never drowned a dog. And they've paid all their parking tickets

as of this morning. Wow. Well, two of them are true. Right, let's sing Elton, the song that we wrote. Ready? Yeah. Kill? Yeah. Kill the dogs.

Kill the dogs. Enslave all the women and children. At Christmas. Bum the dogs to death. Enslave all the women and children. Never pay your parking ticket at Christmas. At Christmas time. We sell women into sex slavery

And we drown all the dogs Drown the dogs Drown the dogs Sell the women into sex slavery At Christmas time What's that? That's all the puppies about to go in the water. That's the sound of reindeers

delivering our latest batch of whores. Fuck it. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, Ed, you little fucking dog. I don't even like Christmas, mate. I fucking hate Christmas. Do you know what I do on Christmas Day? I have a chicken balty out of out of disrespect and you know what i what else i do i go around and especially if it's been

snowing i try and get rid of all the snow so the kids don't have any fun how'd you how'd you melt it, Ed? What? How do you melt it? For a period of weeks, I've burned several kettles. Oh, right. I thought it was going to involve dogs or street dogs. No. They're useless when it comes to melting snow. They're just good for drowning and selling into slavery. The point is, buy our record if you support all of these things. But if you don't,

I'd try another record like Laura's Gone. Yeah. I love that Laura's Gone song. It's better than anything. You wouldn't say that publicly, would you? It's better than anything

I've ever written. That thinking out loud shite that I put out a few years ago. It's got nothing on Laura's Gone. But luckily, we're bigger

than the pop industry Me and you And literally untouchable Do you know what I mean? Can we sing more of that song? Fucking Christmas Let's have a sex slave Christmas It's the Christmas

Sex slaves Sell them into slavery Christmas sex slaves And drown all the dogs drown all the dogs drown all the dogs drown all the dogs without them John

Right I'm off, I'm off I'll see you soon I'll see you soon mate See you soon I'll see you soon mate see you later mate are you going dogs outing now or horse selling I'm just

I'm just gonna go down these stairs okay are you getting off what are you getting off no I'm I'm waiting round

because I don't think Dan wants to do the whole episode with Polish Ed Sheeran I'm waiting round me my bus isn't for a while. You're still getting the bus, Ed?

What? You're still getting the bus? Only so I can judge the people sat on it. What, for future sex slavery? Yeah. Wave them up. I'm off. Get on me.

Oh. Oh my God, by the way. All that crack we sold. To who? The kids? To the kids. It's killed most of them, so thank fuck, all that crack we sold. To who? The kids? To the kids. It's killed most of them, so thank fuck for that. Dead crack kids.

Merry Christmas. Bought a velvet tuxedo yesterday. I heard about this. Me too. I've been drying up my pussy ever since. Yeah, sexy. Why are you buying velvet tuxedos? And what is this gala of which you speak? We're going to a gala on new year's eve with our esteemed ladies serica and sam steamy

so we've bought matching black velvet tuxedos yeah we're gonna accent them differently so i'm going with a green accent he's going with a green bowtie we've got to accent them differently so I'm going with a green accent he's going with a green bow tie and I'm probably

going with a red one oh yeah Sam's probably changing to a red dress now oh oh yeah

that's nice it's good that you didn't go colour tuxedos because then everyone's thinking we were looking for pink and blue

but they're so hard to find yeah no that's actually what we wanted you wanted to go Dumb and Dumber We were looking for pink and blue, but they're so hard to find. Yeah. No. That's actually what we wanted. You wanted to go Dumb and Dumber. Well, it was going to be classier than that. I saw a video of those guys seeing each other at a TV show

and just fucking about and getting on. It's really cute. Jim Carrey comes across as dead sound. He's also either bang on the the money or crazy isn't he His body's not his And that you live in Nice little bit of both And who's the other one

Jeff Daniels Paul Daniels cousin Isn't he dead now Paul Daniels Yeah but Jeff's still alive Facts Straight facts. Google them yourself. We don't need to.

Don't Google them. Just believe them. So the Met Gala in Liverpool. Essentially. Because I can't hear gala without thinking Met Gala now for some reason. I think you should have blacked up. It is a black tie dinner. So I was going to black up.

Karl was going to tie up. No, do the full Kim Kardashian. She looked like she got fucking lost in her own curtains, didn't she? black tie dinner. So I was going to black up, Karl was going to tie up. No, do the full Kim Kardashian. I was going to be black in the end. She looked like she'd got fucking lost in her own curtains, didn't she? She was like fully blacked. Oh, I know what you mean. And she blacked out a dog as well.

No, I was going to darken my skin in the traditional sense of blacked up and Karl was going to pretend to be from Thailand. I'm just going to have to stop you there. That would be horrifically racist. It would, yeah. Isn't that what black tie means? All right, all right, cool.

That's why we didn't do it. Yeah, cool. Just wanted to let you know that I don't think that'd be allowed. Yeah. Horrifically racist It would yeah Isn't that what black tight means Alright alright Cool Just Yeah Yeah cool Just wanted to let you know That I don't think That'd be allowed Yeah But if you

You know Get yourself lost In a black fucking Bedding sheet We're gonna look great Is the end of it Right okay We're gonna look fucking gorgeous

There was a pair of pants That Carl put on So there's a couple of things That happened yesterday We went Shop So we bought the With his ass Ooh Yeah That's the thing big mama so do you know when the way sales people especially in high-end suit shops are on like commission aren't they i have no idea never been in one

never bought one go on but they they really because they get very few customers they're always quiet they're part of their set commission so they're a lot more over zealously friendly when you go in so they're like oh hi over zealously friendly when you go in so they're like oh hi sir how can i help you what you want that shirt in blue i'll go and get that right for you now yeah would you like a coffee you don't have a beer we'll fucking you're all right right so it's there's like two ends of the scale primark which is just a fucking jumble sale yeah and then and this is like two customers a month yeah but we were okay yeah but we bought carl bought a shirt in the end and that was it but we tried on every jacket they had every shirt

they had and carl tried on a few pairs of pants and this woman was being so friendly but she really needed this sale because carl tried on a pair of pants in his size I've got a massive arse yeah like if you've seen my arse you've seen it I mean it's the second time we've mentioned Kim Kardashian

but you've got for a 29 year old bloke yeah you've got quite a badonkadonk do you remember the picture of Kim Kardashian that broke the internet

where it it arse looks like a shelf I remember that yeah visually yeah you could've put a cup of tea on Carl's arse in his pants and bummed him and not spilled a drop. Yeah, yeah.

It was ridiculous. If you want to book afternoon tea, just have it in Carl's arse. I stood into the dressing room. I stood into the dressing room, and I left my arse hanging out, and you could see it. But this woman was like, I think they look great. And I burst out laughing laughing and I was like, look him in the eyes now and tell him those pants fit.

Do it right now. She couldn't. She was crying. She was crying. She was screaming, laughing. Like in this high-end shop where there's supposed to be, there's supposed to be like,

you know the guards outside Buckingham Palace with the mad hats and they're like, even if you just piss on them, they have to be like, well, I guess I'm covered in piss. They're supposed to be like that.

Hey, just put a little pin in that. That's not how that works. What do you mean? If you piss on one of them, there will be a response. Yeah, but not by them. No, yeah, by them. No, they're not allowed to move. I've never seen the one.

Have you never seen them push someone away? No. Yeah, there's loads of videos. You can get your dick out and slap it across the face and they have to take it. It's the law. Yeah, that's the absolute law you will get

butted with a gun what are they called beef cookers beef eaters beef cookers yeah they're called beef cookers

you're mashing up so many different things who are the beef eaters now I'm taking the piss oh that's the Tower of London that's the beef eaters they're the

Queen's Guard Queen's Guard yeah but if you piss on them they will react I don't think that's true right cool well let's do the yeah but if you piss on them they will react i i don't think that's true right cool well let's do the patreon special where you piss on the queens guard booked can't wait next year is going to be a busy old year you pissing on people at buckingham palace having a fucking table tennis match with a paralympian i can't wait for any of it it's going to be great uh so she was like, literally like-

She's supposed to be all prim and proper. She's supposed to be like, yeah, we'll get that jacket. But she couldn't. She was crying laughing. She was screaming. But so was the manager. Because of your badonk.

Because of my ass. Because I was like, you cannot tell him. Because everything else fit. They fit his legs really well. You could just see a bit of cock. You know, like when pants are on and you get just a bulge.

Well, we tried cock pants on, didn't we? We did try cock pants on. In Mark in marks and spencers they fit everywhere but there's a oh the corneas oh the henry the eighth sort of yeah it looked like i had that cup in my kegs right cool yeah it was fucking massive but this gaff honestly if he'd have farted he'd have ripped these pants and it wouldn't have needed he'd have halted kogan yeah ripped these pants and it wouldn't have needed he'd have Hulk Hogan yeah yeah genuinely and she went

I think they first I think they're great and I lost it I was like look him in the eyes right now and she went and just lost her mind and then the manager

lost his mind so he couldn't even tell it off because this guy who's in his little suit like oh yes sir Melanie we treat our customers with respect here

he lost it as well it was fucking great right are you alright with it because you know you've just you know it is Melanie we treat our customers with respect here he lost it as well it was fucking great right are you alright with it because you know you've just you know

it is it is one of those things that we can all have a laugh about but it's well I laughed I came out with these are nice

it's not like a syndrome is it it's not like he's got big arse syndrome I turned around and went look at my arse and she

it's a funny moment a man has got a like a large arse because it's like with women now it's like oh it's the renaissance for fat ass women isn't it if you've got a big ass i remember in the 90s people everyone wanted to look like pamela anderson that was the weird stereotypical like isn't that amazing now if you've got a badonk everyone's like oh true fucking mendis what's really weird as a man it's a is it girls like her oh do they

yeah ladies love a big ass the humps what's really weird about me and Carl we are the exact same size in everything at the minute

but we're not the same size people yeah because I've got like a chubby top which is quite like I've got a chubby top so that comes out

the fact that he's a little bit longer than me yeah and then he's got a chubby top so that counts out the fact that he's a little bit longer than me because he's not as chubby and then he's got a big ass but like because I have my pants quite high

they go sort of on my belly so we wear the same size pants the same size shirt and the same size jacket but we're not the same shape and it's fucking weird yeah you've got

large legs he's got a large top he's got medium legs and you've got a medium top yeah yeah phenomenal how much are we talking I don't want to You've got large legs, he's got a large top. He's got medium legs and you've got a medium top. Yeah. Yeah. Phenomenal.

How much are we talking? I don't want to... Well, here's the thing. How much were we dropping there? Enough. Can I guess? Can I guess? Can I do a little... Our jackets were different prices.

And I'll tell you why in a second. All right. I'm going to start the bidding up. Can I guess your suit full cost? Well, I haven't bought my pants yet. Right. You just bought the jacket? Bought the jacket and a shirt.

Jacket and a shirt. Can I guess the jacket? Yeah. 300. Two pound off you are. It was 2.98. 2.98? Wow.

Mine was a little cheaper because... Tell them. So, we went to the first shop, which is the high-end suit shop. I can't even speak about it. And they had such a limited range that the only one that fit us was the black one. And we were like, do you know what?

We're going to look elsewhere, try and find pink and blue. Went all around Liverpool, completely forgot that the original shop had the black ones that we would have worn. And then spent the rest of the day scouring Liverpool for black velvet jackets because we decided we were both going to wear black.

So we went and shopped. Do you know when you're shopping, I don't know whether you ever get this, but you sort of, in your head, you remember picturing things in shops, being like, oh, they'll definitely have it. Like, in my head, I was like, Zara will have it. They always have an array of velvet blazers.

It's like a little blur in your memory. Yeah. Like, yeah. But you're like, I'm sure they've got that. And then you go in Zara, and you're like, have you got any velvet blazers it's like a little blur in your memory like yeah but yeah i'm sure they've got that and then you go in zada and you're like have you got any velvet blazers and they're like we've literally never stocked that ever and you're like that's strange and then you go to hey i'm absolutely sure can you check the stock no we've never done it fuck it's it's like you convince yourself oh they they do sell that but then they fucking don't so we were going everywhere including to like slaters which is a suits and jackets shop.

Nothing. And then we went- I've been to Slater's. They're like the wedding rental kind of place. But they had one option, but it was just literally last on the rack and it was too small for either of us. Then we went to John Lewis,

just as a little gamble. And they had one, but they had, and it fit both of us perfectly, but they had one. So we were like fit both of us perfectly but they had one so we were like right neither of us can get this because what if

because we weren't we were either both going to wear velvet or we were both just going to wear the suit so we were like we can't buy this not knowing whether

we're going to get another one elsewhere right so we hid it you know the old stash and come back so you get you're like

a velvet jacket off Womrach and you go and put it with a load of like Wrangler t-shirts elsewhere. Hide it right at the back. Yeah. So we did that. Put that there. And then I went to Rees.

Someone recommended we go to Rees. Fuck me, you've been around the town, haven't you? Oh, this is about five hours. This is Liverpool one. We got into town at 11am yesterday.

We got into town at 11am yesterday. We got into town at 11am yesterday and we left town at 4pm and all we bought was velvet blazers and shirts. And he bought a pair of pants. You had lunch somewhere. We had lunch. A very quick Nando's. But I went to Rees

and someone recommended we go there. I was like, of course, why don't we try Rees? We're walking past, in the window. Velvet black blazer. Perfect. Pow. Beautiful. And everywhere we'd been

trying stuff on, we were size 46, short, all red. Carl could get away with a regular because he's a bit taller, but we went to 46 short.

So we go in and it was like, I love it. 72 hours. Looked around the shop in Reese. It was like, where's that velvet blazer from the window? I just went,

that's the last one. Right. Great. It's like, what about the the other store the other recently decided sam well they have more she was like now they've been calling us three times a day asking us what size that is because people keep going into their store looking for velvet blazers i think there's like a velvet blazer convention or something going on in liverpool um so that is literally the last one in liverpool and maybe in the UK. And I was like, right. I went, what size is this? She goes, it's a 42 short.

I was like, it's going to be too small. She went, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, I'll just try it for a laugh. It fits like a slightly tight glove. Like a glove. It fits like a glove that is a little bit too small, if you know what I mean. It's not too small, but I would, after a meal,

I wouldn't be able to do the button-up. I can do the button-up and it looks fine at the minute, but after a meal, it would have to be open. So it's 298 quid, and I was like, that's a lot of money for something I'm probably going to wear once. So I went, yeah, I'm having this. You have to wear that more than once, though. Well, what she said to me, she was like, what's it for? And was like oh it's for new year's eve and then I went how much this was like

£298 I was like right and then I went to her as I'm getting back in the most she gave me such a look so I went to her just checking what is the refund policy on these things and she went 28 days and you could sit like I couldn't hide the joy in my face I was like oh so that would take us

you know like 14 days into January I suppose that's a that's really interesting that I was like great

it's great to know just in case that nod was you I was like the thing is my girlfriend has to approve it so if she doesn't like it I might not end up wearing it.

Honestly, she gets very judgmental on New Year's Day. You know what, Adam? Now I've seen you wear that. I don't like it. But you know what I'm going to do? And I'm going to take it back on New Year's Day. Don't. I'm absolutely taking it back.

Are you going to go in wearing it and go, I don't want this, actually. I haven't worn it. Right. Listen, unless there's haven't worn it. Right. Listen, unless there's so many things going on here. You've basically bought that whole thing. It fits just a little bit tight. You're going to have to have a disciplined Christmas.

I am having a disciplined Christmas. That'll go for you, babe. What are you drinking at this gala? Yogurt. Yeah. You have to be dead gay. It's alcoholic yogurt alcoholic yogurt that sounds pretty gay doesn't it we're getting velvet suits and they match and we're drinking

yogurt all night have you never heard of the alcoholic yogurt it's a biannual tradition is that twice a year i think it's a bisexual tradition in asia right it's every year but it's just full of bisexual people it What? It's twice a year. Or is it every other? All right. I'm telling you right now, you are not gonna be able to return that. Why?

There's so many things that are gonna lead you to not return it. Your general admin skills are- I can't be arsed. This is number one. Oh, fucking hell. Did it say January 14th? I know it's April.

But I'm not good with dates and times. Oh, I've had loads on. Here's where you're wrong now. Matthew! Here's where you're wrong. So, I go to New York on the 4th of January, right? Oh, so you go have your shit together. And here's the thing.

I come back from New York on the 12th of January. Yeah? Yeah. Land on the 13th. We're recording the podcast on the 13th and i'm having my birthday party on the 14th oh yes right cannot wait so i before i go to new york on either the second or third of january i have got to go shopping to buy my birthday outfit i've got to go and buy me birthday suits right yeah so what i'm gonna do is i'm gonna take that jacket back and use the money from that to buy me birthday suits and then i'm gonna do the same thing again and get a valentine's day outfit um okay mr o have you

worn it out last night uh no is this yogurt i'll be like if there's yogurt on that then i definitely want to bring it back oh yeah can't be can't be selling people jacket with if there's yoghurt on that then I definitely want to bring it back oh yeah can't be can't be selling people yoghurt on love there was yoghurt all over it it's almost like

it's been a biannual bisexual gala or something it's alcoholic yoghurt well I don't know what they've been drinking alka-yoghurt alka-yoghurt

sounds the all natural alka-ida alka-yoghurt probiotic alka-ida yeah I'm gonna take it back Alkyogert? The all natural Alkyder. Alkyogert. Probiotic Alkyder. Yeah, I'm going to take it back. You're not.

I am? You're not. You're not. I am? I don't you're not. You're going to be hung over. Where's the receipt now? Where's the receipt now? In the bag.

Is it? In Asia? Where's the bag? In my house. Cool. Hi. Hi. Where's the receipt now? In the bag.

Is there? In it, yeah. Where's the bag? In my house. Cool. Hi. You wanted that fucking yoghurt stained shit. You are going to wake up, there's going to be chips in one pocket.

Fucking chilli sauce here. Yoghurt everywhere. But isn't that more of a reason to take it back? Carl's pants are going to be split. Nothing's going back. Don't worry about it. Get a new's going back. Don't worry about it. Get a new fucking new t-shirt. Don't worry about it.

Get on me. I'm going to take it. Are they open on New Year's Day? I'm going to take it back in a second. Mind games. We're in your mind. It's like I didn't wear it, mainly because it's covered in yoghurt.

How much are you spending on Clothes at the moment Like Like There's a lot of outfits going on There's a lot of That's Mate

I'm very excited about Anyway I'll probably not Wait till it happens Yeah yeah We get some Sent some stuff That's nice

But your big outfit Is like You're going for it For New Year's Eve Or for me birthday For both How much Is this a big sent some stuff. That's nice. But your big outfit is like, you're going for it. For New Year's Eve or for me birthday? For both. How much? Is this a big...

It's the 30th birthday. I like treating myself to clothes, but... I buy clothes a lot because I'm a bit frivolous with my money because I've got no

genuine responsibilities. There's no mortgage. There's no children that I know of. Also, things are going good. And also, I don't buy

ridiculously expensive clothes. I buy a lot of cheap clothes. No, you don't. Talking shit. No, I'm not. How much have you spent on shoes this month? Shoes don't count.

Oh, no, you don't wear shoes. Plus, I'm taking them back. The alternative, David Baddiel. Have you got yogurt in a shoe? I've got a drink of Zomal. All right, receptacles. That was really good though.

It was fantastic that one. And he missed it. I said shoes don't count. That's the alternative David Baddiel book. Because he wrote a book called Jews Don't Count. And it's about... Even if I'd have heard it, I wouldn't have got it. It's a play on words.

The Jews Don't Count thing. Because first of all, they're like, well, there's a lot of anti-semitism in the country we need to talk about it because jews do count but they don't count them in the conversation about racism but also there's a long historical stereotype that jews are accountants in which case they would have to count there's layers to my shoes don't count i'm glad we explained it all we're getting cigars as well i'm glad we are getting cig we explained it all we're getting cigars as well i'm glad we are getting cigars good good good we are getting cigars i've never smoked in my life and i'm probably gonna have emphysemia but i don't look sick in the picture we're gonna get

have you just finished your a levels or something what's going on like what i think i feel like you're bringing a level ball energy to this fucking New Year's Eve. It's been a massive year in both of our lives. Yeah. It's been a big year in both our lives. You fucking hate smoking, Carl. Yeah, but he loves looking sick. I'll take one puff, cough loads. You won't even light it.

You're going to walk around like a young Dave Perkins. I'll be like fucking Shug Knight. I'll have like six of them. Yeah. I'm going to smoke three cigars at once. Dave Perkins. I'd be like fucking Shug Knight. I'll have like six of them. Yeah. I'm going to smoke three cigars at once. You can't wear a mask. You're going to smoke

three cigars at once. I couldn't possibly wear a mask. I've got terrible asthma. I fucking love biannual bisexual. Get out my yoghurt. Can we try smoking cigars? Ah, we won't be able to do it in here but when bill burr talks about cigars when bill burr and he smoked the chrysler and everything

they talk about cigars it makes me want to and my granddad used to smoke cigars in the garden and he'd like take himself off so he didn't have to listen to my nana and my momdad used to smoke cigars in the garden and he'd like take himself off so he didn't have to listen to my nana and my mum witter on or listen to me and my sister fuck about and annoy each other so we'd go out and he'd just like pot around the garden and then he'd come in and there'd be like a smell of cigar smoke so fucking love my granddad that faint smell of cigars i love it you know when you've got a nice sort of connection to a smell? I quite like the idea of getting some, not shit, but like getting some Cubans and having a try. Yeah, that's what I'm going to order for New Year's Eve.

And we're going to smoke them on the docks. Oh, we are, isn't it? Two Bs and a D. I didn't do that well. Thank you, general studies. Get on my yoghurt. What did you get in A-levels? Two Bs and a D.

Did you? I got an A. Let me just check. It's literally I accidentally did my A-level results. I got an A, a C, and an E. Spells ace, which is like, if anything. A, C, and an E. I aced them.

Shows that you're bright and shows that you, if you're in the mood, don't try. Well, the A was in maths and the E was in further maths. What? Yeah. I don't understand how that works, then. As in, he couldn't be arsed. It was actually... I'll do maths, but I'm not how that works then. As in he couldn't be arsed. It was actually...

I'll do maths, but I'm not going that extra mile. I took it because I was like, well, I'm going to do maths at uni, so there's no point me doing fucking biology at A-level. Because I'll never care. I might as well just do... Because further maths is second year

and third year uni-level mathematics. And you can do it at A-level. So that by the time you get to university, it's a it's a walk in the park because you already know the basic theories of everything you're doing but so when you do your a levels you get five hours of each lesson a week don't you yes right so with further maths you only got two a week and you have to do the other three of your own accord at home which for me especially at 16 16, 17 and 18,

was an absolute car crash. Because of course I didn't do it at home. Of course I just played FIFA, went and played footy and, you know, had the occasional fingering session. That's all I was doing at that age. So...

Did you wear velvet suits? I knew all I needed, as long as I got an A in maths and did okay in psychology, enough to get a C or a b or whatever which i did i got a c and i knew before i even took the exam if i got like 30 in the exam i was gonna get the the i was gonna get at least a c because i'd done the coursework and got a's in them all i was like i don't even need to revise for psychology i'll just fucking take the tap in

and the further maths one i just just, I couldn't do it. It's too much maths. It was just, it was just, I had to have some autonomy at home and I just didn't have it. So funny that you were thinking about the degree while you were doing your A-levels and then you got to the degree and pied it. After a week, I didn't go to a single lecture.

Do you know what I did with A-levels? I just went, oh, i can choose subjects that i want to do rather than like maths history english so i did theater studies politics and media studies i did a levels that you couldn't have done at gcse to be fair you can do theater studies gcc you just couldn't at my school there wasn't a drama department at my school so i got there and my college years i fucking loved i loved being free of the spanners who held you back at school you know like just all the kids who clearly didn't want to be there and i'd behavioral issues they're like oh we're free of them the quad bike kids and all yeah

that's what we used to call them and then all you had teachers that were like if you dicked around and didn't do the work they were like what a fucking idiot you are you like oh yeah you don't get shouted at but you don't do the work you just yeah that's what happened you just that's what happened in the first year that's why me and car me and car did three years may levels and we were clever lads but that first year you needed the push and you didn't get it we just needed the the accountability because when like teachers like what you haven't done you know where oh interesting cool anyway on with the lesson we were like a stupid she's she doesn't because you've got school mentality yeah yeah were you was it separate

did you go to a separate college no it was the same maybe that's part of it yeah we just i'd sit next to danny in um psychology we sat next to a window in a it's like a big mansion thingy layfield house let's just push all his work out the window. And I'm like, I'm not getting sheltered for this because he was like, you're an abbot. I got an A star and two U's. You what?

I got an A star and two U's. You might be the only student in the history of education to get an A star and two U's. Yeah. That's almost like, if you tried to do it, you probably wouldn't be able to do it.

I just, fuck me, I loved college. just even thinking about cardinal newman was amazing and it's because i went straight from sixth form into straight from school into our sixth form i think i did religious studies history and business and then my mum died and i was i was there for another month and then i went off the rails. And I got two proper jobs and I stayed mates with all my mates that were at Sixth Form, but I got proper jobs and I worked in a steel stockholding warehouse for about three months and scared the shit out of myself. The thing that you probably got over that first year where you're like, oh yeah, you sort of have to do the work.

I got it in another way. I got it by working in a job where they were like, yeah, sort of have to do the work i got it in another way i got it by working in a job where they were like yeah graham's worked here for 28 years and graham was like like the most depressing thing i've ever seen so it made me go back to cardinal newman i signed up to the catholic college in town and i tried like i wasn't fucking brilliant or anything and i did fuck around and i did some finger. I had something similar. It was good for me.

That year of going, holy shit. Is this what not college looks like? Yeah. Fuck that noise. I had something similar to that very recently, but it was sort of the flip of it. It gave me a real sense of gratitude for like, there's just moments sometimes,

isn't there? Where, especially with the past year with the podcast and stuff where you're like oh shit we're doing something really cool here and we're very lucky to be able to do it and you get it with stand up i went through the drive-through of the maccies i used to work in and at the window as a shift manager was one of my old shift managers and he's dead sound i really get on with him really well and he's happy as far as i'm aware he's a happy lad he likes on with him really well and he's happy as far as i'm aware he's a happy lad he likes his job he likes his life but i had a moment where i was like

i last worked here 12 years ago and he was doing that job then and i thought about how much my life has changed in that 12 years and how he's happy and I'm very, very happy for him. How unhappy I'd be if, I think we've said this before, I love the constant challenge and the leveling up you can do with comedy

and podcasting and whatever. The idea of being in the same position for 12 years scares the shit out of me. Same job that, yeah,

you basically got a bit stuck. I'm not saying, yeah, we're not speaking for him. Yeah. But there's a lot of people who do jobs like that where you're like, oh God, it's... I've got him on Facebook and he's always happy.

Like he's got a family and he talks about them and he seems like he's a constantly positive lad. Everything's really positive from him. I'm not saying he's unhappy in any way, shape or form. I just know I would be and people are very different. And just seeing that, I was like, wow, his day-to-day life is very similar to what it was 12 years ago and if that was the case for me i'd be fucking

miserable and i'm so glad that i'm in a position where it changes every year well you're naturally talented but the work rate is there like i was naturally talented when i was young and i was like everything will work out because i'm just dead good i was just a confident kid and everything had worked out if i tried a little everything worked great and then all of a sudden you my mum died and i was in a fucking weird office job and you're like oh not everything's gonna work out just because i'm like i'm not the chosen one i'm gonna actually have to so those two things did me good like i know know it's probably revisionist history, because at the time, it felt like my heart had been ripped out. But my mum dying made me go, oh, my God, you can just die.

And then I looked. There was genuinely a guy called Graham. I'm not making it up. And he'd been there 30 years. And he was the most grey person. Not a bad guy, quite sound. Everything about his demeanour clothes his eyes gray he just lost the will and i wouldn't necessarily have become him but it made me go oh i've really got

to throw myself at something and that's why i could never have been graham or that guy at mcdonald's because i'd have gone i can't keep doing this because if you've lost your mom young you're like well what if i go young i'm not keep doing this. Because if you've lost your mum young, you're like, well, what if I go young? I'm not fucking doing this. At least give it a crack. And there's those dudes, I'm not judging anyone who gets stuck in those jobs because you've got responsibility bills or whatever.

But I also then- And some people love the routine. And like you spoke, you started coming in here to do editing on extra days because you want more of a routine. Yeah. Some people thrive off it. And some people are like, I know what i do i get up monday to friday and i go here at this time and in their own like even if they've got other problems that are you know

they're struggling with or whatever they're happy with having that routine and it doesn't matter to them that like they've they've got to a point with their job that that that's where they're going to stay because they're just like yeah it's fine doesn't mean you don't have to challenge yourself though no because that routine some people don't have to challenge themselves that's where they're going to stay because they're just like, yeah, it's fine. Doesn't mean you don't have to challenge yourself though. No. Because that routine... But some people don't have to challenge themselves. That's all I'm saying. It's some people that are just happy to not be challenged

and just be like, I enjoy what I'm doing. We're different. I constantly need what's next. How do we make this bigger and better? But some people don't. But I do stand by that, man. If there's a thing inside you,

it doesn't matter how old and you're like, oh, this is not doing it for me give something a go whether it's just on the side or like that's why I don't judge harshly

because it's alright for you going comedy I've just put everything you're fucking great at it I've had a lot of success with stand up and now we've come together to chat shit

and fucking do what we do and this is going well there's comics who you if we were talking privately you'd be like fucking bland they're not great i also sort of respect them for still doing it you know every level of comp because at least they're not just going yeah i'm just clocking into this job that i don't like at least they're going yeah i'm doing that but i'm also going out on the sort of open mic circuit and doing stand-up they're not necessarily getting a success but at least

they're going fuck i like this and i'm really trying at it it's they've got that outlet um but we've both talked to you those anyway looking forward to seeing them how can you like tell me you can sum up have a word because I don't think you can because at the start of this episode Elton John

and Ed Sheeran that was you heard about them yeah they've been selling women into sex slavery and just 25 minutes

half an hour later we're like yeah and then my mum died and I did my A levels range we've got range we can do all the things and Rangé and Rangé A-levels. Range.

We've got range. We can do all the things. Fucking ranger. Range. And ranger rover. That's what I want. Great David Bediljo, though. Apologies for missing that. It was really good.

Yogurt. What is alcoholic yogurt? Did you just... It's like Yakult with a shot in it. Yeah, essentially. I mean, I did invent it as we were talking about it. White Russian. I wonder if anyone's ever done that. Put booze in a Yakult with a shot in it. Yeah, essentially. I mean, I did invent it as we were talking about it. White Russian.

I wonder if anyone's ever done that, put booze in a Yakult. I wonder. Carl, can I go? Great time. I don't want to go to the cafe. I want to order in. I want to treat myself right. Because I'm on the live show on Friday.

I am getting my tits out. I'm going to be having a tattoo. On Sunday. Scuse. Sunday the 19th of December, 8pm. You can get your live stream tickets at hotwatercomedy.co.uk. And even if you're watching this publicly on Monday the 20th or just afterwards, that live stream ticket is available for a full week.

So we had a comment saying oh do you have to buy it before you do not have to buy it before if you're not going to watch it live on if you're going to watch it live as it happens on the night as you can and a lot of people thousands of people are going to be doing that if you want to be part of that event and see the big announcement we've got if you want to see that you need to be watching live on the night and you need to buy your ticket in advance but you can buy a live stream ticket and watch it as many times as you want right up until 8 p.m on the 26th of december and these guys that are designing a tattoo for me so that means i've got to get my top off because i want the tattoo behind me because i'm not letting these fucking

animals choose something i can see every day going, I hate these cunts. So I'm going to be getting my top off, and I've decided, unlike you and your slightly tight-fitting jacket, that I'm going to eat like an absolute pig on Sunday and do full gypsy call-out. Do you want a bit of this? Do you want a little bit of this? Come on now. So I want Pizza Hut delivered.

Yes. Yeah? Okay. Fatty bum-batty. Wag-wag lids. need to tell you about NordVPN. Grab NordVPN's holiday season deal by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use code have a word to get up to 73% off your NordVPN plan

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You can watch the footy, like the three o'clock footy in the Premier League all over the holiday season. You can watch it on your laptop because you can just say, hey, I'm in Mozambique, me, and they're showing it in Mozambique. Oh, what, they're showing it in Tunisia today? Are they really? What about Belarus? I'll be in Belarus then.

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You still have to pay for it, but 73% off. Quite a good deal. You went big at the end there, didn't you? I did. I'm just flexing. You're loving that NordVPN car.

I'm sucking your dick, but I'm in Belarus. Belarusian dick tastes better, especially at Christmas. And it's cheaper. Yeah. That's the gift,. Belarusian dick tastes better, especially at Christmas. And it's cheaper. Yeah. That's the gift, a Belarusian cock.

I hope they keep us. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. So I've done some prep. It's just so great that, you know, it's obviously our business,

we own it together. And it's important, isn't it? Thanks for doing that prep on my laptop. So thanks for... Thanks for lending me this laptop last week so that I could spend all week doing prep.

Yes, yes. So nice of you, then. That is all true. There's a question here from Lolly Badcock. No, this is a question that I've got. Oh, my God. Before I do these ones oh that's not good is it

little cough don't even bother I could literally have it written on my face I'd still be there on Sunday call me Danny Super Spreads I will be there at the live show on Sunday you can be too live stream

speaking of personal protective equipment, do you wear the little gloves at a petrol station when you're putting petrol in your car? Am I a paedophile? I wear them. Yeah, because you're a paedophile. You are a paedophile. I'm not.

I'm just someone who doesn't like their dinner smelling like petrol. Well, that's everyone, isn't it? But I... I forget what I would forget about transformers. They don't eat dinner. They're transformers. They're petrol for dinner. Well, they love it then.

It's like a starter. Exactly. And they fill themselves up. What the fuck are we talking about? No, I've got wet wipes in the car. I've got kids and I've got wet wipes everywhere. I've got wet wipes for children children so do you hold the wet wipe over the pump no i just if i do it and i'm like i've got diesel hand i give myself a little wet

wipe before i go into the petrol to the shop is that right so that's i just don't i can't put the plastic glove on i do you don't know no i actually do he does come on i just don't want my hands to smell like petrol i haven't got wet wipes in the car because i've been stupid enough to have children thanks loyiso loyiso gola that lives in my head semi rent free it's like as long as you don't have children i was like oh I do. Hope your fucking jokes look after you when you die and loyiso. They will though,

technically, because he might be a millionaire and that would have been paid for by jokes and the money will look after him. Maybe a,

maybe no. I might buy, like, if I never have kids, which I'd like to, but if I never do, what? Definitely gonna have kids.

Yeah, you are gonna have kids. Yeah, maybe, probably, but if I don't, what? Definitely going to have kids. Yeah, you are going to have kids. Yeah, maybe. Probably. But if I don't. Shoot blanks. Then I think by then, let's hope I'm like at least 100 millionaire.

I'm going to buy a person. Is that a centi-millionaire? A what? A centi-millionaire, it's called, isn't it? Oh, shut up. I'm going to buy a person. That sounds noncy, but you sounded thick. Yeah.

I'm going to be a hundy millionaire. A hundred millionaire. A hundred millionaire. I'd like to be a billionaire, but you know. I know. Trying to be grounded. Cool, cool, cool. Hasn't bought wet wipes.

Wants to be a billionaire. Keep going. Oh, yeah. That's how you become a billionaire. Waste your money on wet wipes. No. Get a normal wipe and wet it yourself. Save money.

Squirtle it away. Eventually. That's how Bill Gates started. I really put... Bill Gates. Bill Gates. Bill Gates. Bill Gates.

Bill Gates. Is his first name Billionaire? Yes. Written. Second name Gateshead. Billionaire Gates. Billionaire Gateshead. Yeah.

I'm going to be walking right through those Billionaire Gates one day. What? His arse? No. Oh. Like the Gates ofse? No. Oh. Like the gates of becoming a billionaire. Right. What's your question?

You big mong. Like, I'm just going to buy a person and get them to pretend to love me like a child does. So, like, I'll be like, I'm not going in a home and they'll be like, no, you're not. I'm going to look after you because they're being paid to do it via a third party company so that it doesn't feel direct you mean a carer no no because this is different by a third party i'm gonna get them to call me dad yeah you'd have to pay extra for that yeah yeah yeah call me daddy so my my granddad's got to that age where he has to pay someone to go around and check he's not dead or fallen over because me and my sister aren't doing it.

And she comes in. She's very friendly. She's African. So she's like, your granddad is doing very well. I'm like, is he though? His eyelids have stopped working. She's like, apart from the eyelids, they're fucked. Well, yeah, he's doing good.

And what she means is, he's not, basically, he's not dead. So you're going to pay a little bit extra. It's probably the same company. Yeah? Be like, Adam, although I am a 52-year-old mother of three, I love you. No, I'm getting an 18-year-old. Ah.

19. Oh, that's better. You going to shag them? No. It's my kid. Oh, shit, yeah. Come on. Wipe me out and call me dad.

How much do you pay? It just sounds like kinky sex, doesn't it? Yeah, but there's no sex involved. There's no sex involved. And still no wet wipes. It's cleanliness. For the arse wipes. Look, if she's no sex involved. And still no wet wipes. It's cleanliness. For the white, for the arse wipes. Look, if she wants to spend part of her wages on wet wipes.

Have you run this past Sam, by the way? You know, your partner, who you're definitely going to marry. Yeah. Have you run this by her? That you're not going to have kids, you're going to have a 19-year-old African employee who wipes your arse and calls your dad. You know, if she's watching, she should be prepared for this.

Right, cool. Because if we don't have kids, I hope we do, but if we don't, then I'm getting an 18-year-old from Brixton and she is wiping my arse and calling me daddy. Why don't you just adopt? What? Why don't you just adopt? Because I don't want, like, a five-year-old

when I'm fucking too ill to wipe my own arse. You're a billionaire, though. What? So five-year-olds, if'm fucking too ill to wipe my own ass. You're a billionaire though. What? So five-year-olds, if you've got the money, they can do anything. Why aren't you adopting before you die in an old?

No. I'm waiting till then and I'm getting a fully grown adult who wants a decent paying job to just look after me. It's a carer. You're describing a carer. You fucking lunatic.

I'm going to be old. I'm going to have the money and I'll employ someone to look after me. It's a carer. You fucking lunatic. I'm going to be old. I'm going to have the money and I'll employ someone to look after me. It's a carer. No, but I want them to worry about me the way they would a parent. Just pay them more. I am doing.

That's what I'm saying. That's what makes it not a carer though. Right. Because I want an emotional investment. I want to see them cry when I get really bad. And when I get a little bit better, I want to see the joy in their eyes where they're like, oh, he might make it.

That's the money again, isn't it? Like, oh my God, I'm going to lose this job. This dickhead's overpaying me. Whatever it's, oh, I'll get an actress. That'll be better. There we go.

There you go. You know, like when on Corrie, it's like, right, we'll sign you, Kembalo, and you're all going to do this for 60 years. You're going to get Kembalo to wipe your arse when you're old. I'm going to get my own Kembalo.

You're going to be my Kembalo. A 19-year-old. Kembalo. A 19-year-old old young a job for life acting here you are my kid from brixton he wears white socks yeah thanks carl solid kembalo just turn yeah i just think give them a job for life set them for life you know i mean pay them more than they would get paid in hollywood like they get like 14 million a movie don't they i'll pay them 14 million a year but all they have to do is just pretend to be my son slash daughter if you're a billionaire you must

have to pay a lot more for just everything surely because they'd be like fuck off actually they notoriously pay a lot less than the general consumer based on taxes because they avoid them don't they I think you should do these questions that you prepped I don't think you should do these ones I've got to be honest I don't see any value in these questions I'm going to pay that carer to murder you

It's not a carer It is It's my son No it's not Daughter It's your actor carer Yeah Yeah

But they're not I'm not asking them to act as me carer They're not a carer Because they're a professional actor I'm not I'm going to make sure They're registered with Equity and everything So they're fully deaf out

They're under their own name Like But the character is going to be sure they're registered with equity and everything. So they're fully deaf out. They're under their own name. But the character is going to be Barry Rowe, my son. Are they looking after you medically? What? Are they doing everything a son would do for his dying father? Put him in a home so he's okay? No.

No? So he's medically looked after? Do you know what my dad did for my granddad? What? He booked him a carer. That's going to be a motherfucker for you, isn't it? When you pay Barry Rowe

a shitload, he's like, listen, dad, I'm dead busy. But I've got this African lady who can help out. Your dad, Adam Rowe,

is doing very well, Barry. He's like, brilliant. Scene. No, it's a 24 hour party, people. It's a 24 hour, seven day a week, 365 days a 24-hour... Party of people. It's a 24-hour, seven-day-a-week, 365 days a year.

Roll. Never off. No time off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have paid you. You know, £40 million this year. But you're not going anywhere, are you? Because my arse needs cleaning anyway. Put a little bow on that.

Let's hope your jizz works because that seems complicated right Robert who's Robert anyway Robert says wag wag lids is there anyone who could turn up at a tour date that would really mess you up like if Mo Salah was on the front row for Adam at his tour show,

how do you think he would react? I'd just fist bump him, me. Is there anyone who'd throw you off? I don't know. Throw me off? Someone so famous that it could stop me doing my thing. I don't think I'd be chuffed. To be fair, actually, some of the really big American actors,

that might throw me off if I was like, Brad Pitt, what are you doing at the Nottingham Glee? That might be a little bit... That's literally how I'd deal with it, though. If Mo Salah was on the front row, I'd walk on and be like, Mo Salah's here, what's going on? I'd just address it immediately, it wouldn't throw me off. Ryan Reynolds has watched you, though. Like if Mo Salah was on the front row, I'd walk on and be like, Mo Salah's here, what's going on? I'd just address it immediately. It wouldn't throw me off.

Ryan Reynolds has watched you though. Yeah. Are you aware of that? No. No. Not until afterwards, but also I knew that there'd be famous people at that gig.

What was that? What gig was that? It was Dean Coughlin's gig at the Jack and Ronda. You knew material night at the Jack and Ronda? Yeah, Ryan Reynolds was there. Because Ryan Reynolds has bought Wrexham

and on a Monday he's like, we need to get in touch with Wrexham's PR team about Ryan Reynolds has bought Wrexham and on a Monday he's like we need to get in touch with Wrexham's um PR team about Ryan Reynolds can you ask one of them to do that um I'd like to send them on and a cup of coffee um yeah it would it wouldn't throw me off I'd just be like I tell you what would put me off someone who I know was an escaped murderer. Right. Yeah. Who do you know that's an escaped murderer? There isn't anything, is there? Right.

But if you find out about one, right, okay. Like if Osama bin Laden was in the front row and you were like, fuck, I thought he was dead. Yeah, I wouldn't reference that because I'd be scared of like getting it wrong and misidentifying another Asian man with a beard. You really want to be careful. Osama bin Laden could be sat on my front row with a t-shirt on saying, I am Osama bin Laden could be sat on my front row with a t-shirt on

saying, I am Osama bin Laden. What are you going to do about it? And I'd just be like, are you making it alright? And I'd just crack on. I wouldn't even, I would not even acknowledge it.

I'd just be like, Listen, I just want to let you know in the break, there is an Asian fellow in the front row who is doing a bit of shtick. Let's,

yeah, you don't want to get called out on that. Don't you want to get to Kevin Hart level where you, do you remember the Kevin Hart bit?

The show where like LeBron's in and like that. How cool would that be in a few tours? Like an audience with Adam Rowe like they used to do

on MTV. Yeah, no. If they just come to your tour shows. If they're not, like an audience with is a bit gimpy, I think.

Yeah. It's a bit gimpy, like, I don't know. Like the Adele one. But then the adult down one was a kind of cool though because she's a cool person she's so good and it's also singing's not comedy yeah but the an audience with billy connolly is one of the best hours of stand-up well that's 30 years ago isn't it yeah yeah there's been a lot of shit an audience with i'm talking about kevin

hart kevin hart kevin Kevin Hart Kevin Hart was just doing his special filming and he was like yeah I'll just get LeBron in and all of these stars how cool would it be

if you were filming your special down the line at the fucking Echo you're like yeah there's Jordan Henderson Andy Robertson Sam

Trent Alexander I don't think it's that far away from a possibility eventually Leon Osman Leon Osman that'll put me off would it's that far away from a possibility eventually. Leon Osman. Leon Osman. That would put me off. Would it?

Would that be the one for you? If Leon Osman was in the crowd, I'd just have to get off. Why? His head's massive. Couldn't see. I think you know what would put me off? If anyone that we'd been, like, mental to was at the... Like, if Helen Mirren

was there Mother Teresa Michael Barrymore oh yeah that would be a little bit off but yes I'm here for the comedy yeah

what did you do with Michael Barrymore it is on a tour show I'm a nightingale he's my favourite comedian she's can't wait to see

his new hour in Cholly Little Theatre I'd be like is that Mother Teresa Kevin Webster I'd be like I want to see his new hour in Cholly Little Theatre. I'd be like, is that Mother Teresa? Kevin Webster. I'd be like, Ishan, have you brought anyone with you? Oh, Barrymore on front row. Kevin Webster. If Kevin Webster was there,

I'd get him to do the offstage announcements and bring me on. Hey, listen up, everyone. It's Adam Rowe. It feels like an old favourite just came back. It's Adam Rowe. He does it all the time. He's going to do the same out what he's been doing every day since February.

Who's he doing it for? What? Who's he doing it for? What do you mean? Who's he doing it for? I'm not doing it for Archer. For the paying customers? He's not doing it for Archer.

Who's he not doing it for? I'm not doing it for Archer. Oh, he's forgetting the bit on purpose. The fucking rat. I'm not doing it for stage time. I'm not doing it for stage time. I'm not doing it for fees. Doing it for money.

Here's a question for you. So you're doing your tour show. Helen Mirren would put me off. So? I'd threaten to smash your flaps in. Threatened. Threatened. Hey, Helen's more than fucking weird, girl.

If you were in a city that's got than fucking words Gil erm if you were in a city that's got like a really famous comedian are you doing Glasgow yeah right so if Kevin Bridges or Frankie Boyle

turned up yeah right not just in the audience but they're just backstage sitting up and they're like hey Dan just out to

show my support for you buddy and they were doing their bad Billy Connolly impression Oh, aye Fucking Kevin Bradshaw's going to be like Eh, don't be a Jose Cadongo He turned up in the back like

Ah, Daniel Oh, Jesus You're Scottish No, try and do it properly Try and do it properly Try and do it properly. Try and do Bridges properly. Go on.

Okay. It's a pleasure to be here, Daniel. Have you just had dental work done, Daniel? Don't worry about the fucking teeth, baby. My name is Frankie fucking Boyle. Shut the pot pot shut the boil Frankie Boyle Frankie Boyle

I can't I can't do it shut the boil I'm gonna beat the people say I do a joke about Jordan's would you

would you get them on to do a little set if they were up for it so Frankie Boyle turns up at your show in Glasgow and he's like just here to watch

been listening to the odd podcast when I've been driving think it's fucking great. And it was always a funny stand-up. But I'm just going to watch. I'm going to speak to Ray Bradshaw and be like, mate, this is harsh, but I'm bumping you from my own tour support.

No, but like, Ray's still there. And then go get them on after Ray. Yeah, so Ray, you just go to Ray. Ray, you just go to, like, let's say it's Frankie or Kevin Bridges. So you're like, do you want to do a set? And they're like, yeah, go on. This is 10. Would you go to Ray?

You just do 15 and just bring Kevin up? Yeah. You'd do it. Yeah, but it would be pretty harsh if that night in Glasgow, you were 10, 15 minutes into the second half, which is your actual show, and you just go, bring fucking Bridges back! Okay.

He's been on stage, guys. I hope you enjoyed yeah I would of course yeah I'd absolutely because it's gonna be a fucking

would you ask them or would you wait for them to offer no I wouldn't ask them no I wouldn't I would do you wanna do 10 yeah

I suppose do you wanna do you wanna do 10 is different than can you please do 10 there's a way of yeah do you wanna do

no i'd probably just let them have a night off because i think if i'd gone down to see my mate do a tour show yeah i just probably just want to watch it and i don't know maybe not i'll just be like no sounds can i say the person who would freak me out yeah is like a a Chappelle or a Kitson or a a top level comic front row front row

because you can't do what I've just said and be like oh fucking Mo Salah you can't go oh Dave Chappelle's here if Mo Salah is sat at the front I don't know why he's come to see me he's like

yes I love comedy and although Adam is a very big Liverpool fan I'm actually more of a Dan Nightingale man there go I by the grace of a Dan Nightingale man. There go I by the grace of God. Is Nam Oz from Preston? My name's Mo Salah. Is Nam Oz from Preston?

Really? Yeah. From the Egyptian quarter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just near Bamboo Bridge. Shut the fuck up. Is it Maury and Salah? Maury.

Maury and Salah. He's named after his nan. Running for the busah Running for the bus Running for the bus Maureen Maureen Running for the bus Maureen Salah Maureen Salah

Yeah if Mo Salah wasn't laughing I'd be like It's a lost in translation. I'd be fine. I wouldn't bother. Just do this after every joke. If Helen Mirren sat there and she wasn't laughing, I'd be like, it's because I've threatened to smash her flaps in.

Why is she there, though? But if Dave Chappelle was in the front row and he was just like, even just looking bored, if Tom Segura was in the front row looking bored, if Tim Dillon, if fucking Chrissy DiStefano. I can't make you respect. Oh, that would ruin my evening. I still think about it.

It got mentioned last night. I was at a gig last night that wasn't great. I was there with Colin Havey. Colin Havey was a punter. Colin Havey runs gigs around here, and he was like, I was whinging about the gig because there was a raffle in the break. Like, hey, we're just going to stick a raffle on in the break,

and then we're going to have an auction. I was like, oh, it was such a good gig. I watched Matt Stellingworth, who's a decent comic, good comic, and he was having a fucking blinder. And I was sat there going, this is going to be great. 15-minute break,

and I'm going to be on at like half eight, quarter to nine, and I'm going to smash this. Just going to do a quick raffle. Fuck off. I always just say no, no. No, you can do that after I've been on. It was fucking bedlam, the raffle,

and it revved them all up. And then after the break, the compere was like, hey, shush, guys, guys, shush, shush. Hey, shush, shush, shush. Can you keep it down, please? Keep it down. Yeah, but you've done this. You've had a raffle.

You did a raffle at the end of the show. And a fucking auction. It's all very well shushing them, but you've done this you've had a raffle and a fucking auction it's all very well shushing them but you've revved them up they're pissed now I've had that in the past few years when I've got to a gig

and they go oh we're just going to do a raffle before you close I go no no no nope do that after do it at the end of the show it'll be better

for literally everyone it benefits no one and ruins my set for you to do it now so do it at the end of the show sometimes they're like oh right okay but they've never told me to shut the fuck up and it's getting done sometimes they're like oh right okay well we'll just do it your way and i'm like yeah you fucking will yeah this is a guy that should know better though that's what tricky one i would have

done that if it was just a member of staff i'd have been like oh this is how this is gonna go no this is a well respected 25 year veteran doesn't matter well he's not well respected is he he can't be because he's doing

raffles before the headliner so fuck off no I was sat with Colin Haven I was whinging and he was like

it's so funny I love watching you hate gigs and he was like do you remember the gig we did in Knutsford and there was

those two women and I remember it fucking perfectly and the and I remember it fucking perfectly and the reason I remember it, shit gig badly organised, no one running it, two women at the front, to the point where I was like are you alright? Can we get on with this show? Because you talking like that

is really off-putting and the woman went well, I think you have been extremely rude like a woman who, just posh, Cheshire posh, has never been told to shut the fuck up. And she was appalled at the prospect. And I'm looking around in the room,

it's like, oh God, you were rude about it. And even the promoter was like, bit rude. You're like, this is a shit show. And the reason it pisses me off still to this day, because Mark from Mark and Lard, Mark Radcliffe was in the back. It was his local boozer. And he was sort of paying attention. I was like, when I was growing up, Chris Evans and Mark and Lard. Mark Radcliffe was in the back. It was his local boozer, and he was sort of paying attention.

I was like, when I was growing up, Chris Evans and Mark and Lard were my favourite radio on DJs. I fucking loved them. And that's why I wanted to be a radio DJ. And I did work experience in radio, and Mark and Lard were my heroes. And I was at a shit gig,

having an argument with some posh twat from Cheshire, and at the back, Mark Radcliffe was sort of watching and just talking to his mate through my comedy. When it's someone famous that you respect or like, not that he's a massive hero, to have them chat to their mates or be cunty, or God, imagine Tom Segura just sat there looking bored at you. Yeah.

It would, not only would it sort of ruin my night, it would make it really hard to enjoy anything Tom Segura did from that point on yeah yeah because you'd be like oh yeah

what do you think of your mum's house I think Tom Segura is a big fat moody twat that's what I think yeah so yeah that's my answer right so here's a question

for you right so your fucking raffle last night pissed me off go on go on it's so fucking annoyingly shit and I don't I don't care if

I don't know who the promoter was, but whoever the promoter is in question, you're a fucking idiot, and you need to stop doing that before your headline act. You're ruining your own gig and your headliner's gig, so just stop it. Here's a question for you. The other gig I did for you last month was great.

No raffle. So, you're at Hot Water. See you in 2022. Merry Christmas. You're at Hot Water. You're doing your tour show, right? Before the show, into the green room walks Dwayne the Rock Johnson. That.

Yeah. Right? Cool. And he goes, listen, Dan, big fan. In that voice. Been looking forward to this since I booked tickets. What? I'm a patron, so I got priority access.

The Rock's a patron. Right? £10. They've sat me on the front row, mate, but do us a favour. Don't talk to me. I'm priority access. The rocks are patron. Right? 10 pound. They've sat me on the front row, mate. But do us a favor. Don't talk to me. I'm really shy. So just ignore me.

Right? Please. Honestly. Like, it'll break my heart if you involve me in this show in any way, shape or form. I'll be really upset. And like, me agent, you know, he'll ruin you, mate. Like, he will ruin your career

Adam Ruston yeah he'll ruin your career if you do anything so you do not mention me oh nice to get a request and then a threat yeah

please don please don I'm very low on confidence and we will end you yeah don't make me ruin your career I don't want to do that I like you

so then you walk on stage a hot water in that 200 seat room where they're all packed together and on the middle of the front row where everyone can see him is Dwayne the Rock Johnson

yeah sat next who's he next to? to Professor McGonagall from Harry Potter but you're not allowed to talk to her either Maggie Smith

Maggie Smith wow what would you do? were they a tinder date? how did they get together? they'd been having an affair for years. Oh!

Oh! That would be off-putting, wouldn't it? Dwayne The Rock Johnson. 87-year-old national treasure Maggie Smith getting smashed by The Rock. Dwayne The Rock Johnson actually played the Norwegian Ridgeback in Hattie Posse. He was one of the dragons,

and they started fucking on set. It's a well-known fact. They started fucking on set.'s a well known fact They started fucking on set He played a dragon CGI Professor McGonagall He just used his body To get like the

CGI like around They just used his movements Apparently it's very dragon like As some dragon expert Looked into it But you know this Harry Potter fans are like Really?

Didn't know that No on Pottermore The Harry Potter website There's a big article about it Yeah Check it out yeah but he's been poor can i just say i feel massively sorry for the poor cunt that's in the second row at hot water with the rock in the front row like just like yeah that's liam neeson on the second row right you can talk to him wow you can't see him it's a really random evening with dan nightingale but what would you do duane the rock johnson said he's enormous and you're not

allowed to reference it imagine if you referenced it and we're like i know you said i but i've got to point out that it's the rock and he was like fuck this no no stood up and walked out No that's not what happens He just bursts out crying Uncontrollably sobbing It doesn't matter Yeah But it does It clearly does matter to him He reacts in the same

It does matter He reacts in the same way As like someone Losing their mother Like at an unexpected age It's just like It's not food Like uncontrollable

sobbing and it does not stop is that what you did when you lost your mother I went silent I didn't process it you didn't you went for the bevies

I don't hey we've both lost our mums and let me tell you both of us went through the weeping widow stage yeah but

he just starts weeping uncontrollably. Why wouldn't he move? I go, Oi, Dwayne, stop being a fucking fanny. Maggie Smith's like comforting him. Like,

he told you. You're a bang out of order, Dan. Maggie's going to fuck you good tonight. Hey, don't worry about it. The rock. I'll get it dead hard.

She calls him the rock. Yeah. She calls him The Rock. She calls him The Rock hard. I could transform into a pussy in Harry Potter and I can't wait till you transform into mine later. Great. Because she morphed into animals, didn't she? Clever. Come on, Dwayne.

Come on. She will later. No, you crack on with your set. Go on, love. You'll be all right alright don't worry about it sorry I overreacted oh god Maggie Smith's quite

diplomatic isn't she I'm going to say Finn's just said what's going on Maggie Smith is comforting Dwayne The Rock Johnson because

Dan upsets him yeah and Liam Neeson and Liam Neeson hasn't got a good view there you go I'm hoping to live stream the last night of the show

and part of me hopes that this happens what would you do if The Rock said don't talk to me but then just kept like getting your attention hey

and then be like oh I thought under no circumstances will you talk to The Rock and then just in the kept going Bender Just like you do it

and then the joke was like Notch Don's a Notch Dwayne The Rock Johnson was that Did you just call me Alright

Alright Honestly all of it would be less annoying than that fucking raffle last night This would be a story. Question two.

27 minutes. Question two. Right, okay. Wag wag lids. Been trying to get my life together and cut out all the shape from my diet, but I'm still a fat cunt. So, would you rather only drink water for the rest of your life

or only drink fizzy drinks for the rest of your life? Much love, Ross. What do you drink more of? Fizzy drinks. So, are you going fizzy drinks? But there are times when water is absolutely essential. Yeah, like if you're doing a half marathon, you can't have a cherry coke.

You'd be dead. I'm sick of doing half marathons and having a can of Tizer. As much as I love this slightly nostalgic beverage, it just doesn't feel suitable at mile three. When's water? The dentist? Officially, you're not really drinking it.

Are you allowed to... Oh God, brushing your teeth. You absolutely need water for brushing your teeth. Unless you are... You need water when you're brushing your teeth. What? What are you talking about? You've got to swill your mouth.

I suppose some of it goes down to what class I was drinking in. You swill your mouth. What? I've got to use water to brush my teeth You dry brushing? No, there's toothpaste, isn't there? Do you wet the toothbrush? No, no, no, no, no

I'm not biting I do You don't wet the toothbrush? No, it doesn't count with Finn Because he's weird and Welsh and Turkish Do you wet the toothbrush? Yeah, of course you wet the toothbrush What are you talking about? Do you She wet the toothbrush. Yeah, of course she wet the toothbrush. What are you talking about?

Do you just... She's still looking at me. Do you just take the toothbrush, put the toothpaste on, and then straight in the mouth? Yeah. And your mouth's dry. No water at all.

The scientists who make toothpaste have judged how much water needs to go in the formula. So there's already water in the toothpaste to make it a paste, isn't there? I know this is not true, but Finn's telling the truth.

I know you use cold water because you've told me. No, I don't. I use the cold water at the end of the thing to rinse my toothbrush off so there's not like stale paste on it the next day, but that's it. Hey, you know what you're not meant to do is swill your mouth out after you've brushed it. You're meant to use next day but that's it hey you know what you're not meant to do is swill your mouth out

after you've brushed it you're meant to use mouthwash before you brush your teeth no you're not if you talk to a dentist they don't even want you using mouthwash

mouthwash you can't use for 30 minutes before or after you've brushed my mate Bondi's a dentist and he fucking hates talking about mouthwash apparently dentists don't care if you wet

the toothbrush as long as you're correctly brushing wow wow you're correctly brushing. Wow. Wow. You're a dry brusher. No. I knew he wasn't. He told me. Finn's a freak.

But it's no longer a surprise with Finn. Ever. No wonder you're always tired and sad. When do you need hang on hang on genuinely because if

if you every meal is better if you've got like a diet coke or some when you're given some of that orange squash and you've got like

like coke that sounds lovely to be honest it doesn't orange coke to be fair lemonade is lovely do you know

if this would you rather existed I'd be so much healthier because just need to stop drinking this aspartame shite, whatever it's called. I think we all have to pick waters just so we don't die because you would live a lot less.

When I had COVID, all I could drink was water and I looked healthier because I wasn't drinking. So funny. I wasn't drinking any drinks. I took a selfie to be like, oh, I've got COVID. I was like, Laura, she was like, yeah, COVID really suits you. It's the age old thing, isn't it? Is it better to live a long, boring life

or a short, exciting one? Because yeah, with water, you'll live a lot longer, but you'll be unhappy because you won't have any flavor in your life or you can drink Lucozade every day and die when you're 40. Yeah.

We know somebody does that. So what's better an 80 year old who's like well you know I didn't do much with my life I just ate vegetables and drank water

and stayed in the house and then you've got the fucking Lucas Aide cracker who does nothing but fucking extremist sports mate the cocaine and pills

I've taken in my relative youth I'd rather go base jumping on MDMA than stay in the house and look at broccoli right that's only two options you've got they're the two extremes but I've taken I'd rather go base jumping on MDMA than stay in the house and look at broccoli.

Right. That's the only two options you've got. They're the two extremes. But I've taken 20 years off my life. My granddad is 96. Even with medical science on my side, I genuinely will be surprised if I hit 80. You will, Dan.

Right. But you've taken the worst 20 years off your life. 80 to 100. Who wants those years? Ah, yeah. Just shitting yourself and feeling bad about getting someone to wipe it off he's doing very well

his eyelids his eyelids are not working but he is still alive yeah I don't I'm alright it's just the worst part of your life you want someone

to wipe your shit for you now I don't really alright I've said it for fun but if we could put it on the job description it is sad isn't it

when you're just like I've done it again Margaret and she has to put it on the job description it is sad isn't it when you're just like oh I've done it again Margaret and she has to come over and it's like oh I don't mind I don't mind why should she be boxing

yeah I agree right let's call Lucas out and die young next question one more one more one more two more say I didn't die young. Next question. One more. One more? One more.

Two more. Got a quick would you rather. Don't know who this is from. Ben. Some cunt called Ben. Hi some cunt called Ben. Would you rather

never wank or have sex ever again or every time you've finished have a small man jump out the cupboard flick your knob and run away singing Laura's Gone

in a thick Caribbean accent love the pop boys and can't wait to see old bro he bags on tour in March what was that have a quick rummage

in a cupboard right no no you've missed it would you rather never have a wank again or have sex or sex again

yeah or every time you finish so every time you spunk yeah every time you come out your jizz a small man jumps out of the cupboard flicks your knob and runs away singing laura's gone in a thick caribbean accent that one lara's gone I don't know what I need. Laura the bitch be gone, gone, gone. Laura the bitch be gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.

Laura the bitch is gone. She's gone, gone, gone. Laura gone, gone, gone. Oh, she gone, gone, gone, gone. Hi, babe. You know I'm not drawing a pile. She left a man. She left a man.

Laura's gone. No. Laura's gone. I'm not drawing a pile. Laura's gone.ura's gone Laura's gone Should we do another remix? Laura's gone Laura's gone Yep

That might be better than the original What we've just done there Yeah She moved to my house Is Mozambique in the Caribbean? No Okay So what would you rather?

Chessington and stuff Just to never To never jizz again That doesn't sound good does it? No God I don't know I'm taking fucking I'd take that anyway

I'd have a normal sex It'd be fantastic Where does he go? Where does he go though? Just leaves Just leaves. Just leaves. He runs away, singing Lord Has Gone.

I imagine he goes and hides somewhere else in your house. He's magical, then. Is he magical? Because I've got kids. I would imagine he has to be magical. Otherwise, what an existence this is. No, I mean, is he magical? Because basically, every time I jizz, if there was a small Caribbean man running around my house,

is he CRB checked? Because he doesn't sound it. He doesn't sound like he's passed his CRB check. I like flicking balls after they jizz. I miss the wet patch and that's the biz. Laura's gone. Laura's gone. She's gone, gone, gone.

Laura, Laura, Laura. Gone, gone, gone. Laura, Laura, Laura. And Lara's gone. She's gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone.

Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone. Gone'd shag somebody with no cupboards. Then he comes through the wall. No, no, no, no. He's like Father Christmas, this guy.

I'd have sex in a car. He's like Father Christmas. You're like, oh, where? Well, Santa, we live in a flat. Santa's magical and where it would have been a fireplace opens up and that's how Santa, you know. I remember having an argument. If you have no cupboards, he comes out of like from under the bed like,

a laragan, fleek, laragan. I remember having an argument with my dad when I was a kid about Santa and the chimney. When he was like, yeah, if Christmas comes down the chimney. And I've always,

since I was very, very young, had any problem with authority that I can't understand. So I told you about like, when I used to work in bars, people like do that and I'd be like,

no, it makes no sense. So I'm not doing it unless you explain it to me. Like, I've been like that since I was a child. Since I was a child. So my i'd be like no it makes no sense so i'm not doing it unless you explain it to me like i've been like that since i was a child since i was a child right so my dad would be like father christmas coming down the chimney and i must have been four or five and i was like but there's no way a grown man never mind a big fat one that i've seen on the coca-cola that

could fit down there and he was like well it's magical and i was like well why was it why wouldn't he just like magic himself into the room why is the chimney needed at all he's like well he needs a space and I remember going why didn't he just come through the letterbox and I could just

see me dad like in my head now I've got the memory and he's just getting angry and angry he's like it's the chimney alright

he comes down the fucking twatting chimney and that's the story bed I wouldn't let him in my house I told you haven't I

he wasn't allowed in my house by the Christmas he had to go outside it's because you were sick of having the men in my house I told you haven't I he wasn't allowed in my house by the Christmas he had to go outside it's because you were sick of having the men in the house bumming your ma

weren't you I was like mum I saw the little moment he goes I don't want to do this I want to do Laura

no I was like there's not a random man coming in my house I went what happens when you're sleepy comes in I was like well that's not what you mean I was like, there's not a random man coming in my house. I went, what happens? She went, well, when you're sleepy, he comes in. I was like, well, that's not happening. What do you mean?

I was like, well, when I'm okay, but there isn't a fella in the house. Just running around for all things and that. And little did you know. So I went. Five days a week, it was already happening. She went, well, you're not getting presents then? I was like, well, I am. So she built a Wendy house in the garden and he visited that instead.

I was like, he is not coming in my house when I'm okay. End of. Wow. Good's like, he is not coming to my house and I'm like, yeah, end of. Wow. Can you do it on, mate? Yeah. A little bit of the magic of Christmas is gone. I don't fucking know him and I'm not vouching for him.

Lock the fucking doors, mum. Don't need presents. You know, I don't need getting touched by some random cunt from the North Pole. It is weird that we tell kids,

ignore strangers, don't talk to them. You know, if you ever see a strange man run away, call the police, whatever you need to do. But then once a year, a man that none of us have ever met, he just magics himself into the house. Don't take stuff from strangers.

A stranger comes into your house using magic and leaves loads of free stuff and chocolate and sweets for you. Yeah. Yeah. You okay with that? He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. Yeah. yeah yeah you okay with that he sees you when you're sleeping he knows when you're awake yeah

my uh last year building up to christmas my uh sister had to tone down the santa's always watching thing because my niece nearly had a fucking panic attack because she was like this all-powerful cunty bastard is watching me they put up security um things you know sensors just for security and my sister was like, see them? They're Santa cams. So whatever you're doing, he's watching,

you better be good. She was like, I can't fucking do anything, man. So I had to like, just for security, tone it down. Because she was getting too hyped up and scared of Santa.

Because parents lean on it too much as a behavioral sort of tool. Listen, what you do now, you can do the fake phone call you put the name in and it goes oh hello dan i've heard you've been bad like a mobile call so that's the way you're doing it right i think there is a line in there that that dad that wrapped fake presents and has a little log burner he was like little tip to the parents i put it on my instagram

little tip to the parents you want to keep them in line before Christmas. Wrap a few empty boxes. Make them look like presents. And when they piss you off, open the fire up. In goes one of the presents. Close it up. Do that again. You'll lose the fucking lot of them. All right, Dad.

Dad's a fucking psycho. Love it. This is why a cage year round just helps. Helps it all. Kids love threats. Yep. Love. helps at all kids love threats yep love

am I engaging I've I've hit my cage banter limit I might get one I want to see one

can we get one yeah put Finn in it every time he fucks a subtitler he'd never be out of it he'd be like this is like my eighth birthday oh right not another story every time he fucks a subtitler. He'd never be out of it. He'd be like,

this is like my eighth birthday. Oh, not another story. We were at a kennel. I thought we were going to adopt a puppy, but everyone left me there for two weeks. Actually, do you know what? Genuinely, as I looked at it, I was like,

please don't actually have happened. Have you ever been put in a cage have you no not in a cage people are into it for sex aren't they like pretending to be like an animal or put in a cage and like you know i get it though oh you get it yeah like a shark cage right no like a kennel like a dog cage a little bowl you want to be in there being a naughty little doggy i don't want it but i i understand why people do that's a new layer to the every time i mention my kids you mention in cages interesting no i just they're not related at all in my head lauren i just mean like a man being like especially a woman actually because obviously there's a lot of sexism in the world, and bitch is a very loaded term

because it is a derogatory term for a woman, but it's also a female dog. And being called a bitch all the time, if that goes into your head and makes you want to get in a kennel and pretend to be a naughty little bitch, who am I to say that that's wrong? Who are you to say that?

Shout out to our feminist listeners enjoy I'm saying like you know like certain words get reclaimed if there's any feminists out there who are like do you know I've been called a bitch for years

so I'm going to start acting like one shit on the carpet piss on the couch where's me toy hell of a boyfriend you've got to be to that point. Yeah. I just don't know, man. I mean, I get that you're into kinks.

Sometimes when you're horny, in the heat of the horniness, when people are like, do this like i could see that you do weird stuff but you've got to buy a cage you've got in the cold light of day go to pets at home and be like this isn't even this is on tuesday we're doing this on friday night that's when i can't get the let that level of weirdness like i'm i'm into pretending to be a dog and and going in a cage like yeah but you fucking who got the like newspaper to put

on the bottom of the I don't know the planning makes it cringy to me so here's my question what kink what level of what's the highest kink

you'd put up with so let's say for argument's sake Laura has left she's gone she's gone right

she has moved she just listened to the last 15 minutes she's moved next door because it's easy for childcare but it's just not working anymore so i've still got the house you've got the house she's next door that sounds great this is great it's great what's happened is just over a period of years you've realized that neither of yous are happy anymore and it's got really sad but you don don't want to... Adam, these are easier when they're ridiculous. You just realise that you're friends, but maybe not lovers.

Adam, quicken this up. You realise that it's easier for the children if she's close by. Yeah. So she's next door. This sounds really quite fucking reasonable. So you've decided... Have a word 2032

Adam was right Fair play So she's moved next door You still share the bank account But things are just separate Hell no And like You know

It's just how it is And you start seeing a new girl Oh yeah yeah yeah Right You start seeing a new girl What's this for? For Dan. Thanks for doing it so no one noticed.

The bell. You actually hit the noisiest thing on the table. And, you know, she's been coming around a couple of times. You've had missionary sex. You've done a little bit of doggy style. Not doggy kennel. Mr. Dan. No, no, no, no.

No, she's a scouser. What? She's your age what yeah dirty she's 43 what right

two years two and a bit years yeah she's 43 what's she called Cheryl no Sharon

oh I'm not banging a Sharon Alicia oh oh Alicia so I'll be Alicia with an E right Alicia. Oh, Alicia. So I'll be Alicia. With an E. Nice. Alicia.

At the end. Alicia. Alessi. She's called Alessi. Yeah. Alessi Golan her name is. And I'd like to feel her. That was good though.

Sorry. Her name's Alicia. Alicia. Alicia. Alicia. Right. She's Scouse. Alicia? Alicia. Alicia. Right. She's Scouse. Yeah.

I'm Alicia. All right. Oh, you're a... I'm Alicia. I'm me. You're you. All right. Right.

So you've got to bear in mind as well that your ex-wife lives next door. Keep it down. With the kids. Right. Right. I'm soundproofing that wall. All right, go on.

Including Philippa. She's next door. Let's not get into it hnt.com slash halfwaypod for context on that streamers um

hi babe where are we you know this is so complicated I forgot where I am it's your house your Alicia fourth date

wow I've sucked you off oh when first date first days I just put my cards on the table. Mate, she's a 43-year-old Scouse woman.

She's sucking dick when she wants. And that's in an empowering way. Sisters. Playing cards on the first date. What? You playing cards on the first date? Shut up.

First date, we're in Wagamamas and I was like, look. Give me the toilet roll. Fuck off. First date, we're in Wagamamas, right?

Because I've got a simple taste in some of you. So she's like, look, cards on the table. I've been single for a couple of years now and I'm not here to play games. We're not going to know whether we're going to work long term unless I suck you off today. So I'll suck you off.

You can fuck my pussy from the front and from the back and we'll take things from there. Is that okay? Yeah. Can I get the bill? Can I get the bill, please? Yeah. Alicia's's ready are we at cheshire roads right cool i'm gonna drive it back round no we gotta cut back because we've had a couple of drinks that's why i'm loose when adam commits to these role plays he goes so far you're gonna fuck my pussy from both ends you're paying

Alicia's paid her because she's actually got an ex-husband who was a billionaire yeah let's not get too convoluted she's got a taste card go

so I've got it babe I've ordered your pizza don't worry she sounds great 43 year old divorcee who's willing to move to Sorghal Cheshire

and she's had a billionaire payout so that's four dates in you've had a couple of dates everyone's ended with a nosh a front pussy back a back pussy back no arsehole yet though a back pussy back everyone knows pussy smash smashing a pussy from the back have you ever had sex with a woman adam with a fucking fist in the pump pump fuck you know like them women talk they like girls talk about it a fuck pump pump pussy fucking pum, pussy, fuck them back.

Yeah, all right, we're having sex. We're going back to have sex. We've had pretty standard sex, me and Alicia. Quietly, because Laura's next door fuming about the divorce. Never mind. Yeah, go. So she's like, look, right, babe, here's the thing. I'm ready to get serious with this,

but my sexual needs and fantasies have never been fulfilled by men before. Look me in the eye. i don't want to i don't see alicia i can't i i can't honestly commit to this relationship unless i know you're into what i'm into so look i'm not saying every time we have sex i need this but like once a month i think carl's getting me a wig i think that's funny no i'm not putting that on is it a wig go on at least she's got me so look not every time we have sex i don't need it every time but just like once a month maybe it's very distracting with carl rearranging the back of the room and rummmaging. Carl, sit down. You do me, Adam. Just sit down.

Sit down. Jesus Christ, Carl. What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? What the hell are you doing? So look, I don't need this every time. But just once a month, just so I've got the memory of it.

I want you to piss on me in the bath. Oh, yeah. That's quite vanilla. Oh, aye. I'm not done yet. Oh. Oh. So you'll piss on me in the bath i just need to lay in the bath like i'm having a bath but an empty bath i'll be naked my fanny will be out and i just need to get your cock out and we all over me is that okay i mean

i'm gonna do loads for me but if it you know yeah yeah bi-annually I need you to shit on me as well right twice a year don't have to be two years right from before right twice a year twice a year yeah

on me birthday and on Easter Sunday Easter Sunday are we going away this weekend no we're fucking not spa weekend with a wet room and occasionally like maybe like once a year or whatever i like to i like to be a wolf so i'm gonna stay in the garden overnight right and I want you to come out saying where's the fox ruining my crops

and I'm gonna howl I'm gonna go woo what am I wearing you're just wearing your undies and your sliders undies and sliders

and then and I'm a farmer with undies and sliders who's ruining my crops as he walks out in his fucking Alessi sliders. Who's ruining my crops as he walks out in his fucking Alessi sliders. I want you to come out with a torch

and then as the torch meets my eyes and they reflect the light back at you, I'm going to stop still and at that point, I want you to come over and fuck me in the garden. See, essentially what's happened there, you've flowered it up Alicia,

but basically- As you're fucking me, I'm going to howl the entire time. Right. Oh! Right. In the pussy! Wearing a tail.

Wearing a full wolf's outfit. No. No. So it's basically me just banging some loud woman in my sliders in my own garden. Yeah.

And Laura's next door with the kids. Just once a year though. We'll only do it when we know Laura's away. Right. Good. We'll only do it when Laura's away. Right, good. So Laura's gone. Whenever Laura's gone.

Laura's gone. Woo! And it's a full moon, Dan. Get your sliders. We'll pay for Laura to go on an annual trip to the Lake District with her Amesia family and the children. Great. And then I'm getting wolf fucked in the garden, okay?

Honestly, I feel like you've flowered it up. Basically, I'm just doing your wolf fucked in the garden okay honestly i feel like you flowered it up basically i'm just doing your doggy in the garden yeah i'm in okay i don't want to poo on anyone really i don't know who in on someone how does that even also with me it's not like listen see up there in half an hour it happens when it happens like there's some times when i'm like oh yeah it's go time it's go time oh yeah babe i'll never warn you when it happens like there's some times when I'm like I have to run through the house like babe babe it's go time it's go time oh yeah babe I'll never warn you when it's wolf time

you'll just hear me howling right in the garden you'll just be like I don't know doing the decorating or emptying the bins Alicia it'd be a bit tragic

if I think fucking hell there's some stray dog in the garden and leave you out there all night is this in winter what

is this in winter it's no it's in the height of summer that's when the lake district is at its best i don't want to tell you what alicia you spot on there you've gone for detail there hon you're right who wants a winter holiday in the lake district and then once every decade oh my god every 10 is this the fourth date you're talking about once every decade you better be good at this sex but yeah but you told me you love me on date one. I know, I do get carried away.

And I said it back on the third date. I know. And now every year- And I'd already heard this voice. On a big birthday. So like, on me next big birthday, you know, like you go- Your 53rd.

21. Yeah. So expect. On me 50th birthday, I want you to hire 11 little people To chant Alicia is the best As we're having wolf sex in the garden

Right Yeah Is that okay? 11 Yeah But I want them to be chained up Like they're in prison in the 30s A chain gang?

A chain gang Yeah You want a chain gang of little people While you're getting wolf fucked in my garden That's never been said though That's never been said though A chain gang. Yeah. You want to chain gang the little people while you're getting wolf fucked in my garden? That's never been said, though. That's never been said, though. Do you know what?

We've just decided, Alicia. We're going to have to pay for the other neighbours to go away again. So it's going to be Laura on one side, Lynn and Dean are going to a minimum late district on the other side.

Yeah, I'm into it. I'm into it. Do I... Can they be booked by an agency? Because I don't want to have to into it. Do I, can they be booked by an agency because I don't have to pay them cash after I've all fucked you.

And on top of that, can you sign the invoice, lads? I like occasionally having a Catherine wheel hanging out my arsehole while you fuck me in the mouth.

Bobby Knight? No. Bobby Knight? On Thanksgiving. Catherine wheel. Thanksgiving. A lit Catherine wheel. Yeah,

go woo! Alright, I bring my goggles i'm in cool yeah good to know let's get the starters i feel quite liberal you do is there anything you'd say no to is there anything happening to me you see you see the the thing that made it all of that easy was i was doing the wee and I was doing the poo and basically I'm just having sex with some mentally insane woman. It's still sex though, isn't it? She's fit and she's banging. It's fine. Cool.

It's the stuff when it's the other way around. So would she be allowed to poo on you? I'm a farmer in my Alessi sliders, in my underpants, and I come out and you're a wolf. And I get a strap on and go, you naughty little wolf, you stay away from my crops. And I'm like, oh, wolves don't eat crops. Whoa. You fucking little vegan wolf.

Naughty little vegan wolf. Then I'd be like, maybe not. Maybe I'm all right. You've misunderstood the role play from before. It doesn't matter. No, it does. It does. It doesn't.

No, what's happened is, you thought a fox was eating your crops, but what's actually happened is, there's a wolf out there. Right. Eating your crops. No, the crops are fine. Fucking foxes eating crops is a nightmare, isn't it? Shout out to anyone

who lives in the countryside who's like, oh my god. What would you do if your dream woman said once a month she gets to come to a gig and undermine you on stage? And you can't, like, win. What does she do? Start a raffle? She'd not last more than one undermine. Like, if you ever do that again.

No, no, no. That's what I'm saying. That's your deal with it. Then no. No? No. Listen, you can,

I'd rather get fucked like a wolf. You naughty little fox. Stop eating all the crops. Oh! Wolf's fucking foxes. Oh my God. Dean and Lin are back. Oh!

There's your teaser. No no I've got the teaser don't worry I think the first nine minutes is probably teasable thank god we didn't have a guest can we have a break

because there isn't another question that is wait where does it come from in your mind I don't I don't know if I respect

the ability to ad lib or if it makes me worry about his sanity ah by the way for everyone who's like where was the bullshit bell let's have a break ladies and gentlemen hell has frozen over we've finally been fucking nominated for a fucking award we've been nominated by the legends over at podbiblemag.com in the comedy section of this year's awards on their website. We're very excited. We want to win this one. It's a public vote.

Go to podbiblemag.com right now and vote for us. Fuck everyone else. We're the best. And if you follow us on socials, if you don't follow us on socials, at have a word pod, and then retweet, share things. If you see it,

give it a like, give this video a like, subscribe, do everything, rub your tits on our podcast. That's staying in. Yeah, I know.

No, no, I'll do it. Yeah. Ring the bell as well. Rub your tits on our podcast. Thank you. Get on me. I haven't had sex

for a few days and I am ready to cum. Steve? Hey? Do you ever feel like that, though? Last in? Do you ever feel like that? First out?

I'm not erect at the minute, but I could get erect, cum, wipe it up, and be ready to go again in four minutes. I need more time. You know, have you ever seen the films of old car engines being started? That's what it's like. Yeah. I'm I need more time you know have you ever seen the like films of old car engines being started

that's what it's like yeah that's what happens with my dick I have to do like a little airman to get the propeller going is that in your 30s

in the 1930s yeah I had a little air the Hindenburg that was my dick I had a little pull of the pud last night and genuinely,

this is how tired I was. I couldn't be arsed to use my imagination. Like I was going to not watch porn. I've been trying to watch less porn just for the sake of it, just watch less. Yeah.

And I was like, right, so I'll have a little imagination. And then I sat down and went, oh, so I just got a little bit of porn. And then I sat down and went, oh. So I just got a little bit of porn. I've got myself going and then went into imagination. Hybrid. Yeah.

All right. Yeah. Oh, I am. You've got a hybrid cock. No, I go one or the other. I've never had an imagination wank. Oh, I stay in that. What?

I've never had an imagination wank. What I did was watch a bit of porn. I'm one of the best directors Of my imagination wanks Going I'm like the Wes Anderson Of my wanks Well what I did I watched a bit of porn And then I put those tits

On someone else's body In my head And I was like Go ahead Whose body A mix and match Wow Like when you're creating a sim

Yeah Yeah Yeah Whose tits worthy What Whose tits worthy I don't know Some poor woman Random porn star You're gonna say some bitch Once yeah yeah who's tits worthy ah who's tits worthy I don't know

some poor woman random porn star they're gonna say some bitch once once I start off on the porn that's

we've got to stay in there you can't break up and be like you know what excellent scene lovely cinematography but actually Helen Mirren

as a mechanic do you watch porn where the women are the mechanics no that's my imagination wank I changed You can do whatever you want

Helen Mirren can be a deep sea diver And she could be a scouse deep sea diver And she could come up from the Mersey And go Dan I've got loads of big tuna Fuck my fudge And I'm like

That's my imagination Just like Wes Anderson And Bill Murray's in the back going With a pipe What was that Is your imagination Material Steep decision Imagination? Just like Wes Anderson. Bill Murray's in the back going, with a pipe. What was that? Is your imagination material dirtier or more vanilla compared to the stuff you watch? Because in my imagination,

it tends to be women I know, and then I have to be nicer to them than the ones in porn. In... Because I might see them again, do you know what I mean? I can't, like, look them in the eye if I've called them a fucking cumslup

in me mind. In your imagination, you'd be like, piff, paff, puff, gone. Yeah, they don't... Yeah, in your imagination they can do anything. You can just...

Yeah. I look like Chris Hemsworth in my imagination wanks. I look exactly the same. No, I, yeah. I look like Chris Hemsworth in my imagination wanks. I look exactly the same. No, I don't. I look exactly the same. When I watch porn, I am a fat 40-year-old bald man in Cheshire pulling my pod.

When I'm in my imagination, I am Lancashire Chris Hemsworth smashing the pee. The only difference in my imagination wanks is that me dick is a little bit smaller, so the women are less scared of it. Yeah. Yeah. You wank like a psycho. It's good to know.

Good to know. Helen Mirren. What? I've got some big tuna. Mersey tuna. Get your knob out. I played the fucking queen. Did she? What, she played the queen in? Chess

The Queen's Gambit No, they played the chess game What she played the queen in? The Queen A film called The Queen I haven't seen it You could miss that one, couldn't you? Because it was subtle

I haven't seen it It's about the queen Who the fuck is this guy? She's in The Devil's Way As Prada as well isn't she? Yeah So she's played the queen And the devil

What a versatile woman She's not in The Devil's Way Devil's Way As Prada Is she? She's the devil innit? No she's not I know that's not

That's Meryl Streep Genuinely for all these years I thought they were the same woman Good wank though Meryl Streep Fucking hell lad Even I've genuinely for all these years thought they were the same woman good wank though Meryl Streep fucking hell lad even I've got tuna

me and Ellen tuna three way not a sandwich that'd be horrible who's Sophie's Choice you'd have to ask her I don't know is that Meryl Streep

I've never seen Sophie's Choice do you know what Sophie's Choice is about no do you actually not know what it's about no enlighten me it's about? No. Enlighten me. It's Halloween, you know. Okay.

She has to give one of her kids up to be made. She has to pick which one. Is that true? What? Is that true? I've never watched Sophie's Choice. She's Sophie. I've heard.

It's her choice. I get it. Yeah. It's like Catch-22. Yeah. It's not ideal for anyone. Helen Mirren was in that as well, wasn't she? Catch-22. Yeah. You can catch me if you can. Yeah. It's like Catch-22. Yeah. It's not ideal for anyone. Helen Mirren was in that as well, wasn't she? Catch-22.

Yeah. She can catch me if you can. Yeah. She was played by Tom Hanks. No. Leonardo DiCaprio? I've had a wank over him. That boy catching big tuna.

This is fucking ridiculous. We need guests in, otherwise it goes weird. This is weirder than any Patreon exclusive. No, it's not. I've loved it today. It's amazing. And we got Domino's delivered. And for some reason, I picked up Mr. Kipling's French Fancy's

Nana Pudding. What did you call it before? Fondant Fancy's. I can't be the only one who went to Granny Fanny when you said Nana Pudding. You could be though, couldn't you? Although I've just been talking about Helen Mirra's Big Tuna. to Granny Fanny when you said Nana Puddin'. You could be though, couldn't you? I think you're the only one, yeah. Although I've just been talking about Helen Mirrors

and Big Tuna. Got some other words. Some other words. We've got the confessions. No, we don't do confessions. We do confessions on the Patreon exclusive. Patreon.com

slash have a word pod is where you can see them. Should we do a Patreon exclusive? Should we do a confession at the live you can see them oh sure should we do a patron exclusive should we do a confession at the live show we should don't we

yeah I'm very excited about the badges and the geese I will do that one I think we've been

in the studio too long guys this one's been a weird one are you doing a Mike Tyson I don't know I'm going to read

it as Mike Tyson. Do Michael Jackson doing Mike Tyson? How Mike Jackson doing Mike Tyson? Is that what he'd say? No, I'm doing Mike Tyson. I love doing Mike Tyson. It's not a bad impression. I remember two years

ago, he said it was a bad impression. It's not a bad impression. remember two years ago you said it was a bad impression it's not a bad impression no it's quite good actually it's got better people get my pigeons and they break their heads off and I became heavyweight champion

of the world cool that was I think it was alright it was alright why didn't you do the rest of the episode like that who dropped me is me

costa marto who there's a trainer who died oh I don't know who that is I'll be Rocky Balboa they've both got weird mouths go cut me Mick

again? what did you even say? I said it sounded like he was cut me Mick cut me Mick cut me Mick hiya

I'm Rocky Balboa I'm from fucking Rochdale I don't need no bell hell of a chin I don't need no bell that Shane Gillis bit that Shane Gillis bit about his sister

being heroin, COVID and cancer. Phenomenal. Adrian! You went full R there though, didn't you? He'd been hit really hard. He'd been hit really hard by a car.

You're meant to be Tyson. Sorry, I'm my cousin. My cousin. Do you think if we really hard by a car. You're meant to be Tyson. Sorry, I'm Mike Tyson. Yeah. Mike Tyson. Yeah. You think if we were forward in real life I'd fucking beat you,

Rocky. In life, about how hard you hit, about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. That's how winning's done. Oh my God, this is really scary.

I'm Mike Tyson. I'm worried about your mental health. I tell you what I can do. You sound like a retired old lineman. Alfie Solomons. Tom Hardy as Alfie Solomons in Peaky Blinders. Can you drop your life in the middle of this?

You can see your face, Adam. What? No. I don't want to see the face impression. Oh, fucking Adam. Hi, Mike. Hi, Mike. It is a little.

A friend of mine said, regardless of the rest of the fucking episode, so I am. You fucking idiot. Yeah. It's a bit craze. I can't do that. You really do.

I can't make a fucking shootout. Yes. Like a Western. Yes. That craze scene is amazing. You think the last section is... I was born in the last section. I've got to do section three.

There's no fucking guest to that topic. Just me and you. Get it done. Now. Get it done. You fucking cunt. Yeah, it's good. It is good.

Really good. You keep getting worried that I'm going to say an Italian slayer, don't you? What do I think Wop I don't think We got a lot of American Italian listeners They're going to be

Why is that a slayer What's it mean Wop We're going to go What's guinea It's money innit You guinea fuck Yeah

They're both Italian slayers Wop Is Why is it Awful Go Is it white of persecution You guinea fuck. Yeah, they're both Italian slurs. Wop is... Why is it awful? Is it white of persecution? Without papers. Oh. So like an immigrant.

Fucking Wop. Without papers. Right. And why do they call them guinea? Guinea pigs. They also say that to people who chew tobacco. Because they all race guinea pigs. You fucking guinea pig racing mama call oats guinea pigs You fucking guinea pig racing

You mama call out Oh right here You want to watch your fucking mouth You fucking silly I came here for a fucking shootout With my big nipples I'm going to read this one This is the most vile racial slur that can be used against an Italian American

Refers to guinea on the coast of Africa Using this slur as a very offensive way of implying Italian-Americans are not white. Apologies. To all our Italian-American listeners. Oh! You fucks. Yeah.

What's that Manoscolo guy called? Sebastian. Sebastian. That is a hard watch. What? Have you watched his stand-up? Yeah, I like it. Fuck't have that is a hard watch what have you watched this stand up yeah i like it fuck me it's a hard watch it reminds me of dane cook you know with a dane cook and he's like i'm doing a bit and then i'm like it moves around and he's like oh and then i thought that fucking sebastian maricolo like i'm like this this is true. It's very Italian, yeah. No. It's a whole load of extra on top.

Yeah, I know. But very stylized. It's performative, innit? Yeah, I like performative, but that's a bit much. I like it. We can have another break. I stopped enjoying doing the Italian American one. I prefer me the one I did with Johnny Stings,

the New York Jewish lady. Yeah. I'm here and I'm going to do a conversation. That's more enjoyable for me to do that one now. It's not enjoyable for the audio listeners though. What do you mean? They don't like it? Can we sell Woppy Pop?

Oh, these new headphones. You fucking guinea rat. Dan, can we add another line to Honky Pop? Honky Pop? Woppy Pop. Woppy Pop? Oh, these new headphones. You fucking guinea rat. Dan, can we add another line to Honky Pop? Honky Pop? Woppy Pop. Woppy Pop. Honky Wop. 31.

That is so offensive. If you're half Caucasian and half Italian-American, to be called a Honky Wop. Jesus Christ. Oh, double racism. Mmm. Mmm. Mine's hunky wop. What's yours? I don't

have one. I don't want half of one up to you. It's so contentious. I don't want to get in trouble. I recently was on a television and I'd like to do it again. Oh God. You are worried about your TV appearances.

Good job you don't ever have to perform as Ed Sheeran for eight minutes. Ed Sheeran is a fucking prick. And honestly, any place, any time, a people's album right in the fucking country.

Do you know the sad thing is, he really likes and respects you. Does he? Yeah, that's what I've heard. Yeah, well, he should like and respect me. I'm a likeable and respectable man. From before. He is, like... From before. I heard a rumour a while back that Ed Sheeran's

involved in the sex slave trade. I don't even... Honestly... So, if that turns out to be true... No, no, no. Adam, I think we should raise ourselves above that. I'm not saying he is. No, because I don't think we should even talk about that. I heard it. I'm not saying it's true. I'm saying I heard it,

which is a fact. From him. That's a verifiable fact. That you heard it. I heard it. Someone told me it. It's a fact. Yeah.

So I haven't said anything libelous because I did hear it. Yeah. Anyway, Dewingum. Carl, sometimes the fun we're having here is taking too far. What's wrong with Dewyngum?

Didn't like it. Awful. Peppermint Dewyngum. You made it funny again. You Peppermint Dewyngum. Dewy's goal. Like, isn't Dewy there? I'm having great fun over here.

I thought the Apollo was good though, wasn't it? When you did that once that once that one time should I do I have a word because this has been epic we've maybe

made some new fans and lost a couple oh my god oh god where's the shoes one two or three

is that a new name for them oh shoot um shoes. One, two or three. Is that a new name for them? Oh, shoes. One, two or three. Oh, here we go. We'll go one. What's happening, lids? I'm closing this off now because I've laughed so much. My fat is hurting under my ribcage. That's how today's gone. What's happening,

lids? Owen here from Dundee. Big fan of the pod and although I'm not a patron, I will soon get it sorted. Owen, come on. I'd like you to have a word with myself as I just can't get my hole. I've had sex quite a lot of times, especially with my ex. However, after our breakup three years ago, I last shagged her the night Liverpool won the Champions League.

2005. 2019. Oh, okay. Cool. 2019. Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. Just checking. Origi put it in, and so did he. Yeah, that long.

I seem to have lost, I've had my confidence knocked down from prime Conor McGregor to a virgin in a brothel when talking to girls. I'm generally quite a funny and confident lad and I'm reasonably handsome. Just absolutely crumble when it comes to chatting up the ladies. Any advice, lads?

Keep up the good work and Laura's gone for number one. Get me, he's finished this in capitals, get me intercourse. Got a flatter their waist feature.en from dundee not getting his hole adam first of all he's to put a shirt on hole if he doesn't know how to do it i'll show him a shirt yeah that's the first that was a great show yes the first bit of advice is a shirt you put a shirt on right yeah i'll show them how it's done anything else just a shirt flatter the woman's

worst feature flatter the woman's worst feature yeah right so go over to her she's probably self-conscious about her like

her enormous nose or her massive earlobe oh god and just flatter it you just go over and go how are ya and I just fucking love that earlobe you've got there

the first thing you say so you're gonna find a girl in a nightclub in Dundee with big earlobes. No, that's just an example. She could have big eyebrows and just swap out earlobe for eyebrow. Right. So Owen goes over in a shirt. You've got to put a shirt on. Right.

Is that integral to the insulting of their eyebrows? He needs to look smart. Smart enough. Eyeing it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah it yeah yeah yeah yeah how's your arm how's it done you going to Dundee

or is this like a I'll do a tutorial for him on YouTube DM alright cool so he probably knows

do you want to act it out what do you want to act it out act out what you're Owen I'm the young lady yeah so first of all

you want to get their attention and show your confidence hang on I've got my little drink got a little porn star mart all, I fucking love a nightclub in Dundee. You want to get their attention and show your confidence? Hang on. I've got my little drink. I've got a little Paul Star martini. Cool. I fucking hope I find...

Oi, women! Is that from Two Pints of Larkin? Yes! Do you want to see me knob? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear that over the booming music of this Dundee nightclub. Frazzles.

Trying to ad-lib the name of a nightclub in Dundee. You've got to... I don't think it's frazzles. It's delicate, isn't it, trying to chat up a girl? Especially when you're nervous. You've got to treat it like... Like a pie. I tell you what, this is what I'm going to do.

A pie. Okay, cool. I'm going to be a young lady, and I'm going to tell you when you've gone too far and you've lost my interest, okay? When you hear this sound, you've gone too far, Owen, okay? So every time, I will reset.

I will reset and start again. So can we have some music? Like, come on. Hang on, I'll get some sex music. Can I talk you through my process first? Can I talk you through my tactics? I'm just a big yellow bitch and fucking dandy. It's like a pie and you really want the pie.

The bitch has been dropped a lot recently. It's in like a cage. What does a pie do? Like lasers and... A cage pie. Like lasers and stuff. And you've got to reach in slowly. Right. And that's how you do got to reach in slowly. Right.

And that's how you do it. You talk to a girl. Like the crown jewels of pies. Yeah, you do that. You've just got to be gentle and you're just like stealing a pie. What kind of pie is this? What?

This is from, what is this, the original pie? Like Greg's HQ that's got lasers all around it. Yeah. Right. That's what. Like a caged pie. Owen.

Right, we're in the nightclub. Do you fucking love, what's my the nightclub. What's my name? Carl, what's my name? Bruce. No, listen. Oh, you're the woman? I don't enjoy anti-Racist racism, okay? Oh, you're the woman?

Yeah. Caroline. Caroline, fucking Caroline, by the way. I'm from Glasgow, apparently, because I can't do Dundee. Hello? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just tell them I'll get that important email over on Monday.

Stop, stop, stop. First of all, tell you something about Frazzles on a Friday and Saturday night. It doesn't play whatever that was, Carl. What was that? Non-copyrighted music.

It was non-copyrighted music. It was Spanish guitar. It's live. I tell you what about Frazzles, we go for more of a fucking dancey pop vibe. Okay, play it away. Hello, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now they're going to up it to

three billion and we get half each. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I can barely hear you, lad. Just wire me be 1.5 billion by the morning. I'm going to tell you what you did wrong there. You need to stop talking about your own Patreon. One day, maybe.

No, I don't like the money thing. Why? No, I'm just telling you, she doesn't like it. Caroline's not into it. Okay, good. Go again. Hello, lad. Yeah, fucking skint, mate.

I haven't got a penny to me name. No, I don't like the money thing, but I'll tell you what, Caroline doesn't want to be impoverished. Yeah? I don't know what Dundee house prices are like. I imagine they're not that bad, but okay.

Are you going with the, I'm talking to someone trying to get laid? Is that your angle? Until I need to change it. Boys, I'll tell you something about Frazzles. Basement club. A basement club. Very poor reception.

Are you on WhatsApp? Hello, lad. Yeah, FaceTime audio, lad. Best way I could get through to you. Just want to let you know, I got the job. Bank median wage for Dundee. Right in the middle. The median wage.

Yeah, yeah. Everything's going to be sound, but not too lavish. Do you know what I mean? Is that how you got it, Sam? I have got a good income Right, okay, that's good So that's a bang at medium weight I'll be honest

I'm going to retract the ding That's a reverse ding Okay That's your next step Get off the fucking phone, Owen Oh, she's talking to me Well Frazzle's just took a turn

I've wandered off to the rock room I've followed you awesome to me. Wow. Frazzles just took a turn. I've wandered off to the rock room. I've followed you. I'm just having a good night hoping to find love. I need to know. I need to know. Are you on your own?

I am, yeah. Turn it off. I'm the DJ. Just turn it off. Are you on your own? How intense would that be in a nightclub if you were like,

are you on your own? Turn the music off. Hey, are you on your own? the music off hey are you on your own you're a rapist a sound sensitive rapist so you're on your own I am yeah

I've just come out looking for love oh alright girl porn star martinis is it yeah yeah with the top on love a porn star me used to be a porn star

myself you know really in Dundee enormous cock me big cock yeah what a sweet talker do you want it right

I like where you were going with it we finally got away from LinkedIn live where you chat aggressively to your bank manager but I think you've

gone a little bit I like the porn star he's like wow because what you've done there well owen just taking notes i've been drinking porn star martini you've read that you've linked it in but you went do you want my big dick too quick for caroline so i actually watched a video recently on tiktok of um it's this woman who tells me in the night are we in frazzles are we in Frazzles I actually watched his TikTok recently

keep going watch his TikTok and it says a really good way to disarm women I don't mean that like is

is to offer ask an opinion opener that's what they call it so don't go over and be like what's your name where you're from

you ask an opinion right ready back in frazzles Alright girl Hello What do you think of Lorraine Kelly? I think she's got a big dick

Yeah What if Lorraine Kelly's her mum? Good point It's Dundee Okay Could be She's Scottish isn't she? Mum age

Are you ready? Are you Lorraine Kelly's mum? No I meant Lorraine Kelly could be Caroline's mum. All right. How old's Caroline? Lorraine Kelly's mid-50s. Adam, you dirtbag. Okay, all right.

Fucking big tuna. Right. All right, girl. Hello? Do you know Lorraine Kelly? No. No? What right, girl. Hello? Do you know Lorraine Kelly? No. No? What do you think of her?

Do you know? A very good TV presenter and personality. How do you know that if you don't know her? I don't know her personally. Oh, I see what you mean. Miscommunication there. I have to work on that as the marriage goes on. This marriage?

Yeah. Are you after a bit of commitment? I'm after some Scottish fucking Angus beef curtains. I have to work on that as the marriage goes on. Marriage? Yeah. Are you after a bit of commitment? I'm after some Scottish fucking Angus beef curtains. Isn't that a euphemism for my vagina? It is, yeah. And you're out. Right. That was the longest you've lasted, though.

You've done well there. I'm going to actually show you what I do. Yes! Back to frazzles She's pissed now Caroline She's fucking hammering this porn celebrity Alright big boy Oh now I'm getting flirty

Fuck are you Adam Rowe? No I just look like him I'm actually a billionaire Who gives all his money to charity And leaves himself with the Mean average income For Dundee

Of Scotland Of Scotland? Alright great He's a charity and leaves himself with the mean average income. For Dundee? Of Scotland. Of Scotland? Yeah. All right, great. So you're a billionaire and you've given me all your money. Charitable billionaire, yeah. And now you're in Frazzles on a Friday. I'm in Frazzles, yeah.

Cool. So far you have my interest, sir. Yeah, you got a little bit of it. Do you want another one? Do you know what? I do, yeah. I consent. You do?

Yeah. Yeah, cool. I have two more of whatever she's having. Eight shots of S I do. Yeah. I consent. You do? Yeah. Yeah. Cool. I have two more of whatever she's having. Eight shots of Sambuca. Hello. Didn't give away all your money, did you?

Did I? No. I fucking like it. Hey, white or black? I'm black. I meant Sambuca, but I do like Rachel Bantam. And you're definitely not black.

We're in Dundee. So, have you got a boyfriend or no recently seen the new Transformers film recently seen the new

Transformers film my my husband was killed by a Transformer was he yeah yeah that's sad yeah

like James Bond yeah cool we're just skipping over my dead husband from a Transformer I just don't want to bring up any trauma

That's probably quite nice I like how this is going Yeah I like films Do you Yeah I can watch a film at mine I don't know When are you watching the film

Have a few drinks at mine It's nice if you want Can't follow six sambucas lad Alright good Because I was thinking Eight sambucas And then a film Is a weird

Yeah well no I've got sambucas at mine We'll have some of them And we'll watch Space Jam 2 he's a fucking paedophile no I

that on a you know that was the that was the better of them he's done well there yeah he's done well there I think be delicate

opinion opener be nice ask questions ask questions ask her to watch Space Jam 2. Questions, questions, questions. They love talking about themselves. Yeah, questions.

Just go, why? And see what happens. Don't ask them questions that they're used to getting at work. So find out whatever they do for a job. And if they're working, like, immigration, don't be asking them things like, you know, immigration. Where are you from? Dundee immigration. Yeah. Fam you from? Dundee immigration.

Yeah. Yeah. Famous problem with Dundee immigration. You would like, maybe. Norwegian immigrants trying to get in the country. Think about it. If Dundee was known for having lax immigration rules, then everyone would just go there from Calais

instead of coming to the south of the country. Yeah. So there's some advice to any of our refugee camp listeners and watchers in refugee camps in Calais. Keep swimming. Keep swimming.

How are we accessing Dundee? Keep swimming. They're swimming all the way to Dundee. Yeah. You'll be tempted at Hull. Think again. You'll see Newcastle.

Keep swimming. And then the 1st of 4th, you've got to keep going. Then you'll hit Dundee don't swim piece of piss use the speed

and enjoy Frazzles on a Friday night so Owen I hope that was helpful I imagine it was incredibly helpful that bit went so long

I started enjoying the music can we close it out can we close this episode out with a little bit of Frazzles Friday night shown by the

pay-per-view if you haven't already. Hotwatercomedy.co.uk. It will be available. The link will be in the description as well. Be available till the 26th, which is Boxing Day. Have a good Christmas. Some shoes down here.

Some shoes here. They're in the colours of the podcast. I think we should give them away. Oh, I don't want to mention it here. They're in the colours of the podcast. I think we should give them away on something. Oh, I don't want to mention it here. It's stupid. Anyway, we've got a guest in today. Give it up for our guest. Ah, there wasn't one here.

It was a joke. Elton John kills dogs. Kills dogs in his own pool. And Caroline likes Space Jam 2 and her dead husband and Sambuca. What have we learned from today, guys? A lot. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching.

Stay safe. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. It's actually Chanukah. I have no words. I've used them all. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. It's actually Chanukah. Shh. I have no words. I've used them all. I need to go.

Yep. Arrivederci. Go away. Make up. Get on me. Her face was hallowing, you know. you you you