Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #152 with Carl Donnelly - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 27, 2021

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Nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me Merry Christmas Patreons and happy lockdown public people.

Oh. It's probably accurate, isn't it? What day is Monday? 27th. Oh, did we know by then? We should know today for then. We'll see. Anyway, it's the Christmas Day thing.

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I've just paid some fines. I've just done that. You know when it was like, meh. I got a couple of parking fines. And also a debt collection company. From when I used to live in leeds in 2016 and weirdly it's the debt collection company that laura worked for for three months i was like a thing from bw legal came in i was like laura you know when you're like this is what the fuck it doesn't make sense

i was like i think this is for you and then it was like can we have 23 pounds from when you moved out of your flat 23 pounds and I think it's bullshit I think they've done one of those things where they're like we need that money

you moved out and didn't pay your thing I would have sorted the bills I think they just didn't have a new tenant and they've put it on me but as it's 23 quid can't be arsed

because my credit rating is top and I want to keep it that way. And the 23 quid's not enough. But it was a weird thing when I was like, here's 23 quid debt from your past. I don't know how they've just worked out where I am. Just by chance, it was a company that Laura worked for. She worked for them for three months and she quit like that because she'd never worked in debt collection before. She'd always worked in credit control. So credit control is debt collection before she'd always worked in credit control so credit control is debt collection but from company to company it's like look and you ordered you hired something from us can you pay that fucking invoice and all of that she enjoys that because there's not like

a victim on the end there's just some cunt who hires whatever she worked her for a tool hire company but when it's actual debt collection you're ringing up people and she rang up this person who was like i don't understand like clearly someone who didn't get what was going on and laura was like this on the phone like we can't this this is not all right like we're pushing for a bill and the guy over who was like a supervisor went just get everything you can get and she went right and she cried when she got out of work i used to pick her up from work and she was like i never want to go back there can i never go back i've genuinely mic drop that was it because that's the level of country that was going on like yeah have they got special needs they might have special needs do they need a carer do they need assistant

couldn't give a fuck we've bought the debt We just need as much as we can get. And like, no one gave a shit. I've come up with a plan for any future debt companies that get in touch with me. So I've looked into it, and I've actually looked into this. You can legally demand to pay by either cash or check. You do not have to pay online.

So I'm going to start sending them checks in packages that look like bombs. Oh. So a little red light coming through the packaging. Yeah. Ticking sound. A couple of wires sticking out, a little ticking sound. Like really old school bomb.

Yeah. Just be like, write on it, the check's in here. Have a good one. Yeah. Maybe text your family before you open this. Yeah. And then I'll on it the checks in here. Have a good one. Yeah. Maybe text your family before you open this. Yeah. And then I'll send it. And no one's ever cashing that check, are they?

It'd be amazing. I paid it. I sent them a check. I just sent it in a weird box. That's not illegal. It's not illegal to send things that look like bombs in the mail. Probably. Yeah.

And he's right because he's done that legal training. And he knows that for a fact. He's counsel. If anyone, he's counsel. You's done that legal training and he knows that for a fact he's counsel if anyone he's counsel you know the hardest thing of that whole scheme would be finding your checkbook

I just ordered one from Santander oh yeah yeah that's the way around that but they'd send it in a box that looked like a bomb no they don't do that

no they don't they're a proper company I don't know where my check is I don't checkbook I have no idea and I'm the old

like like i'm the one who's like i still enjoy them maybe with poster loaders i haven't seen my bank card for eight months and i'm waiting for it to renew in june to get a new one because it'll knock my netflix off and i don't want to change the account oh you're all google pay no not google pay apple pay i i respect that yeah do you know it's somewhere that someone can't be using it? Well, it has to be because I lost it early this year. Yeah. And no money's come off it. So it must be in like...

How often do you look at your bank to check that though? I look semi-regularly just for that. See, if I found a bank card now, I'd be like, ooh, maybe someone's done that. And I'd just use it every now and then. I'd use it to buy like me Snickers in the petrol station. All this bomb-making equipment. Just tap, tap. That's how you... just use it every now and then. I'd use it to buy, like, me Snickers in the petrol station. Me coffee. All his bomb-making equipment.

Just tap, tap. That's how you... There's no trace. But I've cancelled it, so if you have found it and it's in your house, it doesn't work. Good save there, Carl.

They'd be like, ugh, God, I found that card. I won't try it now. Carl's told me. I got told by someone who works in TSB. She's in my old work she was like if you go on a night out with your mates and you just blast your contactless for you um for your

round this was her job in in the bank and then ring the bank and said i lost my card about half 10 last night on a night out don't know where i lost it and they've smashed the um the limit on like they've paid loads of drinks and stuff the bank will just refund you because they haven't got the time to go and check all the cttvs and stuff they just give you money but yeah i don't start doing that with the business card after the live shows because we spend some money on them bars sometimes you do it every time you were good you used it for a bit it's funny because i'd gone home and you were out and installing our bank our our business bank is such a grass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Adam Roth spent. It's like bitchy man. Dan, just to let you know, you're at home, but Adam Roth spent this much money. I bought three rounds on the business card and then I bought a bottle of champagne with me. That's allowed.

Don't you worry about it. Of course it's allowed. Yeah. But she also said. I also paid for all the hookers with Finn's bank card do they take bank they have to now oh

nice nice contactless payment contactless coffin Christmas bonus go on sorry what were you saying she also said

if you pay for an all inclusive holiday on your credit card she said someone done it once so the cabanas on a beach what a cabana is it's like a bed on a beach

yeah what's a copacabana I'm not sure it a cabana is it's like a bed on a beach yeah what's a copacabana I'm not sure it's a bar is it cool the drinks are free and because the holiday

was sold it was all inclusive but they had to pay extra for this cabana they bought it and then went on went oh this was false advertisements

and got the entire holiday's money back because he was like it meant to say all inclusive and we had to pay for this right I think you might

hit trouble trying that. She said people do it regularly. Really? Yeah. Fuck, you know. We got my wedding shoes for free by someone who worked

for the company that owned Topman. And they were... Did they steal them? And they've gone bust now. I just walked in and stole them. Apparently it's free.

If you just run really fast my wedding shoes what an absolute council move that was apparently if the order's under 100 quid and you go just didn't turn up was it it was something more like 60 quid you don't if it's less than 60 quid it's too much faff chasing it round so they're just like the supervisor like write it off send the stuff again or give them a refund if you um if you buy a like It's too much faff chasing it round. So they're just like, the supervisor's like, write it off, send the stuff again, or give them a refund. If you buy a telly from Curry's.

Here we go. This is real, this one. So you get your brand new telly. Put the old telly. No, get your old telly and smash it so it's unrecognizable. And take a picture of it and say this is what arrived because it's like it's like when they find a dead body and all the teeth and fingers and they're like we can't identify this couriers do that with tellies and they'll just refund the

new telly and what what do you say what just literally got out of the you don't say oh i dropped it out of the box you say 29 times dead, oh, I dropped it out of the box. You say, I opened it. 29 times dead hard. No. You don't put any blame on yourself. Oh, cool. You just say, I've taken the package off the delivery man, and I've opened it, and it looks like this, and it's just shattered to bits.

Right. You just really go to town with your hammer and your axe. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, fuck, we've got to stop using Hermes. This one's actually on Curry's frequently asked questions on the website

hammer and axe damage yeah try that try that with your new telly they've just never worked it out Curry's are like

god and even better one if you burn your mouth on a steak bake from Greg's they're actually liable it doesn't say hot on the package.

How many times you've been in court for that? 17. 17. You won every time. Yeah. Yeah. What? What you went?

What? What you went? More steak bakes. It's a vicious circle. The judge is like, more steak bakes. He's like straight round, gets them again.

Blow on them, you fat cunt. It says, do not drink on bleach, so they're not liable. Yeah. Right. I still think the McDonald's one is, if you get a large fries and you're like, could just do a bit like a large fries and a half.

Yeah. Just eat half and just make up any excuse. And the 17-year-old's going to be like, yeah, you can have more these are too salty well these are two these were too cold oh mcdonald's are just so big and you know better because you work for them but you could just basically eat half and then go i don't think these taste right and they're never gonna go right well they do they're just like because customer service is more important than one complaining fucker

actually going further with it so they're just like there you go if you take your double cheeseburger back on your cock yeah there's a cock in my double cheeseburger and they'll go

fucking hell sorry get him a new one they'll say fucking hell yeah oh that's yeah fucking hell that's a massive cheeseburger

excuse me there's a cock on this cheeseburger that's yours that's more than a quarter pounder. Yeah, because you just show them it with a cock in. They're like, fucking hell, it's mad bad. And then you wrap it back up and put Tom's put it straight in the bin. Why are your cocks out?

Not you, though. You've had, come on. After everything that's gone on with you and McDonald's, let's not get your dick out in a quarter pounder. Yeah. Because you show those people on Twitter who think that's why. Yeah. He hates a burger.

He hates a burger if you poo onto your KFC and say this gravy's off they'll change that off hey this secret recipe is funky today lad this gravy's off

you've had a shit in the box you just made me spooge on my you made me laugh while I was drinking and my new merch She's got all

What else Life hacks I follow someone called Sydney Riaz on TikTok And he does a load of things Someone called Sydney Riaz I think it's Sydney Riaz First name and surname

I love that when that happens. Sidney just feels like someone that my granddad probably knew. And then Riaz is like a middleweight boxer from Mexico, isn't it? Sidney Riaz. He's both of those things. Oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh my God. I can't believe I didn't remember it. My granddad has only got one middleweight Mexican world champion boxer. I think that's his name. It's Sidney Sutton, I think. It might not even be Sidney. It's like Jeff Rodriguez.

There's a certain name. That's it. Oh, it's Jeff Rodriguez. But he does this TikTok trend of, I wish I knew this before I was in my 30s, and it's just loads of little things that just help you change your life. He's really fucking good. But you can't remember any of them right now oh no i can

give me your favorite one do you know what i mean about the the very anglicized first name yeah and then like a weirdly international i just find that very entertaining je Jeff Rodriguez. Get on me. Sydney Raz, not Riaz. At Sydney Raz. Well, he's got over 2 million followers. Oh, yeah, I have seen them. Like travel pillows go in front.

Did you know that? Yeah, I've always done that. Mad. Sorry. Sorry, what? You know those travel pillows that look like a horseshoe? You need to put it round the front of your head. Do you not know that?

What? Yeah, like this, look. Because the seat pushes you that far otherwise. Yeah. Look. Put it on in front of you so it holds your neck up. Yeah. Because the seat holds the back of your head up.

Next one. Next one. What? Things you didn't know before you were 40 yeah literally you're a fucking moron honestly just no i want more but we can't play them i know but just keep tell us them tell us the tip um thing you'd ask before a shower how far do you go in when you're cleaning your bum hole? I go in like... Oh, sometimes I'm on holiday. You were clean five minutes ago. Oh, yeah.

Finn's gone on life hacks. Right. Oh, my God. That's unbelievable. That's bollocks. Is it? What is it? Dumping the contents of your cutting board into a bowl,

flip the board around for a genius way to prevent spills. Yeah, I'm not into that. I like it. I think the forward-facing travel pillow is phenomenal. Yeah. Great. All right, cool. Sydney Raz.

I'll take that. If that was just your one little taster, I'd give you that. That's excellent. just your one little taster I give you that that's excellent it's great there are those little things that you're like oh of course

like when we realised with juice like kids with juice cartons are a fucking nightmare you know the little wings on the side yeah just go hold them by that

because otherwise they go they're just kids are just idiots with it so you give them you know when a Ribena is full why don't you just give them glass bottles

what when you're out and like you can't squeeze them what like a Ribena carton Adam yeah you know

just don't get them cartons give them glass bottles you can't squeeze glass bottles don't go on holiday there you go that first one of yours was shit as well I hate you

what about the one in your can there Dan cunt you okay it's horrible get off don't touch me don't touch me right about Christmas I hate you What about the one in your can there Dan? Cunt You okay? It's horrible Get off Don't touch me Don't touch me Rating my Christmas

What about the straw hole in the top of your can? I like that one In the tub Oh it's just bollocks isn't it? No Like what? In the tab You flip the thing round

And it's got a straw holder And it goes in the straw I like that one But then you're drinking an energy drink with a straw And you might as well touch kids Might as well You might as well Can you think of any more life hacks that you'd like to invent on the spot on the spot figure your ass before a shower finger your ass before a shower that's your serious suggestion

though right because yeah because then if you shit everywhere you're in the shower what best place to poo in the house apart Apart from the toilet. So if you think, is that, have you got kaplunk bum? If you finger it, you might poo. Kaplunk bum. People are like that.

No. If you finger your arse, it doesn't mean you're just instantly going to poo. No. But some people do. Like a plug. Yeah.

Oh. I worry about you. I don't do it. I worry about you being dead from the arsehole. Down. Down. Down. Paraplegia.

Adam wrote, I have a prolapse at 30. If you're out in Starbucks and your coffee's too hot, throw it in the face of an old woman to see just how hot it is. If she screams, don't drink it yet. If she's like, oh, but oh, it's okay. That's a really good one. That's a good technique that

Why But just an old woman Because fuck him They're quite dramatic aren't they Oh yeah yeah yeah If you put a wooden spoon Over a boiling pan It won't sit

Bubble over And put your Gas light out Sometimes it still does though Is that a real one It is a real one But it sometimes still does it It doesn't

How would you know You've never cooked a thing in your life I've seen it do it Have you ever That's a question actually Have you ever Cooked a meal? I cook with Sarah here

What have you cooked? What do you mean? What have I cooked? Name three meals you've cooked We've made chilli No not we You I've never cooked no

On my own no Isn't that mad? You are talking to the wrong person What the fuck? You're both disabled. I hate cooking. Part of the reason I work so hard at this, I thought it was going to be my wife.

It turns out things have changed and they don't have to make you tea anymore. It's a shame. I just want someone to cook. There's one. I want someone to cook. Hiya, you all right? I just want to finish one sentence.

Go on. I don't want to know. No, go on. I want you to... I want someone to make a meal. I want a guy... Man, woman, chef. I'd love that.

That's my level of personal fucking... I've succeeded. I want a non-binary chef. I want them to come in and make a fucking cracking tea. I make a steak. Do you make steak and chips though sometimes? No. Oh, you don't make any meals?

No. I cannot wait for him and Seneca to move in together because they're such this perfect couple of... No, no, no. No. Whenever Seneca's in a mood, I just move three rooms away and like a butterfly... What I do is I do the things she wants

rather than be a knobber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see how long it lasts. If there's a need, wash them. Just wash them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add them, put them in the bin and buy us new ones. No, that's exactly what you will do when you live together

and it's all day, every day, all the time. It's like Duncan Oakley's mate said to me before we got married, I was like, me and Laura have never really had a massive barney. He was like, you're going to be married without having having a huge argument you need to start an argument to get it out of the way so that when the first time it happens it's not three years down the line and it doesn't like cause a divorce you've not lived together for so long we have lived together all right but you're like nine very briefly. It was about 18 months. Okay. In your mum's. Yeah. Yeah, and it was tough, wasn't it?

Tough because my mum was there, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're different people. I'm better than you. Yeah? He could have left it in the first sentence.

But that's actually what he thinks, though. He thinks this is not a human thing. He thinks this is a me thing, and it isn't. Well, are you the same as him? I guarantee when he's moved in with partners, it gets more difficult. not a human thing he thinks this is a me thing and it isn't well are you the same as him i gotta i guarantee when he's moved in with partners it gets more difficult um oh i agree it'll get more difficult but are you the same person as him no no well there you go you're on about them i haven't said that we're the same people but you're acting like we're gonna fast i fucking stab on each other

when we move in you are i would absolutely not you are no because we're different people to you yeah i know plus he's never using dishes never cooking anything so that's one I would absolutely not. You are? No, because we're different people to you. Yeah, I know. Plus, he's never using dishes, never cooking anything, so that's one bit of egg in it. Leaving the dishes. No knives. Yeah. Just put the knives in the dish.

It's going to be... Do you have big bennies, you and Serica? No. Because you don't live... Because you think it's because they don't live together. Yeah. That's any time you have arguments when you live together, doesn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. it is annoying there are certain things and I'm dead annoying and I literally know that I've done one of her pet hates today what did you do

I shaved my head last night when the baby was already in bed I shaved my fucking baldy head and then I was just looking at at my mantids I was like oh I'll give these a shave as well

so I've clipped my tits right do you never do that? No. Over the bed. No. Not while she's lying. Why don't you want a hairy chest?

Why do you want to be a weird man baby? Why have you done that? Your hoodie's sticking to it. Why have you done that? What have you done that for? I do it every couple of months. Have you got an adult baby fetish? Yeah, that was it. Why have you done that? What have you done that for? I do it every couple of months. Have you got an adult baby fetish?

Yeah, that was it. That's what I've come to admit. That's so weird. I've never once shaved below my neck. So you know when I did the gypsy core, that thing, and there wasn't loads of hair there? Yeah. That's because every couple of months I clip it.

And you were like, oh, you look like a bloody lovely bear. Every couple of months I just clip my chest hair I'm bald on my head I can't have a weird forest of you can't I think you should no oh no

I'd be great if you were dead early down there you'd look like like Mickey Mouse but he's having a smoke break and he's took his head off oh no

do you know what I mean yeah no but you'd look like a fucking you'd look like like a Baloo from the Jungle Book With his hat off

No No no no I'd hate that No photos while I'm on my break Hair everywhere And then no hair on the head Are you hairy on your chest? Like a

Like Yogi Bear Going through fucking Chemotherapy No Oh No Are you hairy though? Yeah

I could Yeah It gets pretty Pretty hairy on the old chest. Leave it. But I clip my head to zero. That's fine. That's fine.

You don't have to. I don't want to look hairy everywhere. You should go. And then nothing on the head. You're missing an opportunity here. People like unique people. So if you were just like as hairy as possible neck down, completely shave your beard and your eyebrows off and you're there and just become like this like alien hair man bald face

person yeah probably work on the brand though alien hair man bald face person that's good but looking distinct no yeah no then you could get more TV work you could get more telly work as a comedian what it's a little cancer bear no you can tick a box

oh have you heard about Dan great comedian and also weird face now so that's Mochtawik Sorson god I can't wait

for you to become an agent after your comedy career what are you looking for half a bald half hairy person what about an Asian comedian no no that's been done what about after your comedy career. What are you looking for? Half a bald, half hairy person. Madhukh Lawood.

What about an Asian comedian? No, no. That's been done. What about a bald-headed, hairy-bodied comedian? Yeah. Fully clothed on stage? Really lose the effect.

Yeah. No, I'm alright. Have you got hairy bollocks? I shave them as well. No, I mean... Using Manscaped? Are they hairy before the shave? How... Using Manscaped code?

Word 20. Word 20. I'd literally use the Manscaped? Are they hairy before the shave? What, using Manscaped code? Word 20. Word 20. I'd literally use the Manscaped on it. The Manscaped's got a blade that's not, it just doesn't nick. I've used other stuff before that nicks. If you use the Manscaped, it doesn't matter if it's on your head,

on your face, or on the... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Loris Piobs as well. Do you use the same razor for your arsehole that you do your face? No. No? I use my...

Yeah. Interesting. In the shower. Not that that touches my bum. It also touches my face. Apart from... Your fingers. Ladies' link...

Tongues. Ladies' link tongues. Said it wrong do you never give yourself a little whoop whoop whoop no what was that

little shave yeah I shaved myself and I've got two razors I've got a face razor and I've got me manscaped alright cool my manscaped is just for the

below the belt region I don't use it on my face you don't use machine anyway I don't use my manscaped is just for the uh below the belt region i don't use it on my face you don't use machine i tell you what i have done i've left a pile of head and chest hair on the bedroom floor because the baby had already gone to sleep so i couldn't hoover it up and as we're saying this about like the annoyances of living with someone, I know that at some point today, Laura's going to go in that room and go, Fuck's sake!

Yeah, but she left the mop out last night, didn't she? Shut up. How would you know that? I sent a picture to the WhatsApp group. Let's hope she's too busy at Christmas to watch this episode. Yeah. What's going to happen is, Seneca's going to at Christmas to watch this episode. Yeah. What's going to happen is, Seneca's going to be asking you to do stuff

that she isn't doing, and it's going to drive you mad, because it would drive anyone mad. What, like? She'll be like, I hate the way you leave your clothes all over the floor. I do do that. And she will be leaving hers all over the floor,

and her incessant nagging at you, leaving your shit on the floor, will drive, because you'll be floor, and her incessant nagging at you, leaving your shit on the floor, will drive, because you'll be like, you're doing it! No, but that's where people are different than you, because you're a psycho. What?

Google projection. That level of like, that's you. Not everyone has got that gear. I've never been in that situation. Oh, you are an angel. You are. You're just imagining. Yeah. Yeah. I think that that situation. Oh, you are an angel. You are. You're just imagining.

Yeah. Yeah. I think that was projection. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't projection. No, no, no, no. Nothing to do with me or my life or anyone I know.

Just saying. But they're in their 30s. It's easier. It gets easier in your 30s. When you're in your... So is he. Sort of. When I'm not in my 30s,

I'll be 30. Right. That is in your 30s. No. They're stupid. You said a stupid thing. I am... I'm going to be here for you,

but I'm looking forward to it. I think you're overestimating her. No, you're drastically underestimating her. I think Dan knows what I'm talking about in terms of your attitude. Yeah, just... What was it like with the first girl you lived with? Yeah, but of what age?

Doesn't matter. Who the fuck was that? Faye. Oh, she was nice. Yeah? Yeah, she was nice. I played Champ Man so much. You know, in your skin,

when I was playing Champman so much. This must have been about 2005. And I really got in a groove where when Champman did the 99-2000, 2001-2002, and then there was another Football Manager game. I think that's when it split from Champman to Football Manager. And I went, nope! And I refused it. So I just kept playing 0102 and then people

on ebay would be like look i've updated all the modern players or all that season's players onto the old champ man so i just got dead addicted to that i was playing that up until like six seven years ago but in the old format i played it once so much and she was getting more and more wound up that she threw, I think it was like an ashtray at my head. Fucking hell. Not with anything in it. Oh, she was nice. A glass one? She lost it so

bad. I was being snarky, but she just Yeah. Were you smoking? No, it was it must not have been an ashtray. It's something like an ashtray that she had in her room. She loved trinkets and bits and bobs, which is dangerous when you really piss someone off

if they collect stuff. So I'm guessing it was a PC back then. It was on the desktop, yeah. It was a Macintosh. So that was the first person I lived with. Like, we lived together in her bedroom. Oh, yeah. How was that ever not going to be annoying?

But genuinely, we didn't have massive Bennys just that one that really pissed her off why didn't it work out it was a relationship yeah it just wasn't there

right she's my first adult girlfriend I think right you know everyone before that had been a child yeah yeah

as I said it out loud I heard it because up until then I'd been dating nine year olds and they'd be like this is illegal I need to go to school. Quite a way.

Yeah this is illegal. That's what she said. Who was your first girlfriend you lived with? That was always going to be that was never going to work out. She was like I want to move to Leeds

I was like alright see you then. I think she thought I was going to go I'll come with Leeds. I was like, all right, see you then. I think she thought I was going to go, I'll come with you, babe. I was like, have a great time. Who was your first live-in?

My most recent ex. And yeah, it was just, it got difficult. Yeah. Okay. Well, that was,

yeah, my story was from 2005. Mine was from 2018. 19? 20? no when we moved in oh when you moved in oh right

okay good but the reason the reason we're talking about like she's Voldemort and she can't be named is because you only split up last year so it's not as easy

to be like ready fresh oh that ashtray yeah it's I just I'm gonna be here for you and I don't want you to feel like

because I've gloated about it in advance that you can't come to me when it happens listen I'm gonna be here for you and I don't want you to feel like because I've gloated about it in advance that you can't come to me when it happens listen I'm an open book don't worry about it talk about living with Finn you lived with your

ex-girlfriend from when you were like 12 or something didn't you yeah we were brothers when did you we were 19 that's what they do in Wales

you were 19 we moved in lived together for two years lockdown that was fun lockdown in a failing relationship. It was all right.

It was just, you know, a lot of weed smoking. I won't lie. It was kind of fun. And the cat that we mentioned last year. The hey-ho. That was a fuck you in pet form, wasn't it? Yeah. It was for the best.

You alleged it to cats. Meow. Not good. She was, yeah, both from real. It was great. Lots of fun. Okay. I don't know what you want me to say. It's okay. I don't want to incriminate.

It's as recent as that. It's as recent as, yeah. It's Probst Best. There you go, Carl. It was this year, wasn't it? You can tell this podcast has has got bigger hasn't it because when we started out we were like

it doesn't fucking matter and now everyone's like how would you know about the mob call it's just oh I saw it it was there

well I I think I think you're gonna be fine but I know what he means it is more annoying oh yeah I think you shall survive it

by the skinnier teeth yeah fucking hell yeah yeah just don't start smoking what do you think Lord is getting for Christmas

I know what Lord is getting for Christmas do you yeah is it good oh yeah you've been in my wife's DMs

haven't you I've been talking to no it's direct messages I haven't been anywhere don't worry what he said that's not true I would be

pretty gutted if she was shagging Carl I'd be a little disappointed who would you rather she was banging honestly if she has to have an affair it might as well be with someone i already hate me no if it's one of you guys it's gonna fuck up the podcast in it

i got it's gotta be one of us i got annoyed before when he talked over me so imagine if he shags my missus stuff at the hair has to be so many waves of annoyance if it was you that, if you were seeing Laura behind my back, there'd be so many waves of annoyance. The first one would be like, how am I getting no sex and Carl's getting sex? And then it'd be like, what if they're not having sex? For fuck's sake,

where? Not in my garden office. Oh, fuck you, Carl. What if they're not having sex? No, come on.

What if they're not having sex, but they're going on day dates And holding hands Well it's not as bad is it Is it no I think it's as worse More intimate isn't it He's going around Chester Zoo

Holding your missus's hand Right Come on Let's go and see the bear Right That's more intimate Than sticking your penis in her And kissing her on the face

And shagging Well I've done that with people. What the fuck do you get up to at Chester Zoo? What does that... Don't go to Chester Zoo with Adam. It does it different. If you walk around Chester Zoo with someone or like having a day date with someone and holding their hand,

you know, there's something going on. Like sex can just be animalistic. Fuck. Right. This... Oi, I know how you argue and you will get on Adam Island, and you'll die on it.

But holding someone's hand around Chester Zoo is not as intimate as fucking them. I don't know. You know. No, you do know. You do know, because otherwise I'd look very suspiciously at anyone caring for someone with special needs

when they go to the zoo for a day out. Look at that fucking pervert looking after that person with... I don't know. That thing. Because sex can just be like a... If you're holding someone's hand and kissing them or not. Right, well, I tell you what, just from now on,

just so you know, for me, for me, if you ever, if there's a crossroads, yeah, and you think, I know I've got to do something with Laura, she's asked to hang out I would prefer you go even you could use my pass for the zoo

you could use my pass put a dickhead hat on yeah you can go free hold a hand walk around Chester Zoo get your faces painted

I don't think that's intimate apparently that's basically getting engaged according to Adam I just don't want you to smash the flaps off my wife. I think walking around the zoo is on a par with anal.

Yeah, I want to take your ball. I want to take your ball. I've shagged more people than I've been in the zoo with them I've been in the zoo with you Oh mate I tell you what Next time you're at a zoo, you're going to look at that school trip differently. Fucking hell.

What would you prefer? Like, literally, an animalistic shag, one night stand, you don't even know each other, or texting going, oh, I love you, whatever, but you've never shagged?

Texting I love you and everything. No, no no I mean like intimate texts just texting pictures back and forth I don't know if we're genuinely talking about

what is the worst cheating I think we're back we've talked about it recently didn't we like if you get drunk and you fuck up like yeah it's the premeditation

that's too bad but honestly if it's just she went round Chester Zoo with Carl and held hands, I'd be like, it's weird.

Or if they went to Alton Towers, but he also paid for fast passes. Oh, too far, too far. That's like a bukkake. But I was also like tickling her shoulders in there. Oh, not you, tickling her shoulders. Do you understand what sex is, though? That's your penis in her vagina. Do you understand that?

I just think there's more to intimacy than just animal sex animal sex I really feel like animal sex in this context is not the best use is it like I just mean like

what about if you fucked an animal at Chester Zoo animal sex and Laura watched and took pictures and posted them I don't know

I just think there's more things out there what have you got Laura for Christmas because a fancy she'll have had added by the time this comes out.

A fancy hairdryer. She asked for it. What's it called? I think it's a Dyson hand dryer. Hand dryer? Dyson hand dryer. Fancy for the house. I unscrewed it.

I unscrewed it off the services. I went to the toilet and the services off the M56. Yeah, love. Come on. No, she didn't put her hands in it. I unscrewed it off the services. I went to the toilet and the services off the M56. Yeah, love. Come on. Come on. No, she doesn't put her hands in it. That's stupid. She puts her head in it.

The air blade. That's an air wrap. I got some of that for the baby. Yeah, wrap. Yeah. Cool, that's what I got. John Lewis. Drop, drop, drop.

Drop some dollar on it. Is it good, yeah? I've no idea. She's not got it out yet. I'm in for you. Is it good, yeah? I've no idea. She's not got it out yet. I'm in for you. Is it good for me? I don't know. To dry your chest there

before you shave it off. Please don't fuck my missus. Daniel, I love you. You're the one that... Who would be most annoyed at? If Adam did it, it'd be annoying if everyone did it. I think Carl might be

the most likely to do it. Yeah. Finn, I think he's... Scared of you. A bit young. I think he'd be scared of Laura. I think Adam... I don't know.

Adam's got that mental side to him, hasn't he? And he, you know... Carl, I'd be most... I think you're most likely. I think he's quite loyal. But I'm not be most disappointed. I think you're most likely. I think he's quite loyal. But I'm not likely at all. But I'm the most likely. I don't know.

Don't do it that way. I won't, I promise. But if you do, do it. I love do-do, by the way. Every time do-do, if you do do it, not the garden office, leave me something because that's where I'm moving out to. That's secret. Don't move in.

Of course. Imagine if Carl. Am I allowed to hook up with serica no cool what even if you've left serica for my wife no that's how much of a good friend of yours yeah i still wouldn't hook up with serica thank you other way around i would if this was the way around, I'd get you back. Yeah. You talk a lot of revenge, you. I haven't seen any of it. I would fucking burn your dad down in the house. I'm quite a vengeful person, though, as well. Like, anyone who wrongs me, I will be avenged. Wronged?

Yeah, so don't fucking cancel your Patreon. Remember. Yeah, if anyone ever hurts me or anyone I know and love. Anyway, this will be taken. This week we're sponsored by Chester Zoo. How would you kill someone? For an intimate... What?

I told you, like a lamb. Okay, Christmas dinner. Actually, officer, do you want a sandwich? That officer's just at the weapon. Yeah. It's suspicious, though, if you're offering an officer a sandwich over a dead body, wouldn't it? You're like, I don't know what's happened here. Sandwich?

It was all right in my hands. This is going to be a twat to solve. You're going to be around a while peckish not crying though not crying over his dead relative or whatever and I've put

I've drained the blood out the body and put it in my coffee machine coffee with your buddy yeah he's drinking the blood and now if he gets tested

he's drank the blood of the victim the officer's gonna get done for it yeah how'd that work smart and is that more intimate than sex yeah yeah alright cool tested. He's drank the blood of the victim. The officer's going to get done for it. Yeah. Smart. And is that more intimate than sex? Yeah. Yeah, alright, cool. Shall we have a break?

Yeah. Get on me. Wag wag lids, need to tell you about NordVPN. Grab NordVPN's holiday season deal by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word, use code have a word, to get up to 73% off your NordVPN plan,

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but you still have to pay for it. But 73% off, Quite a good deal. You went big at the end there, didn't you? I did. I'm just flexing. You're loving that non-VPN cock. I'm sucking your dick, but I'm in Belarus. Belarusian dick tastes better.

Especially at Christmas. And it's cheaper. Yeah. That's the gift. A Belarusian cock. I hope they keep us. Welcome back to part two of four.

Not me. That means I have to have a blowjob now because it's ring for a blowjob. I'll suck your dick. Get out. I will suck your cock if you get it out right now on a public episode

yep that would be less weird if it was a patron special get your cock out you've rang the bell I won't be able to get it hard so

Adam will I'll do my best I could have any this could be any face close your eyes and imagine I am Melinda Messenger

Melinda Messenger where Melinda Messenger. Where the fuck did that come from? Adam went in. Adam went in to his big brain of randomness and pulled out Melinda Messenger. Had to dig deep because we've nearly forgotten about her. Last time someone had a wank over her, it was 2008. But Adam's still keeping it. Where the fuck have you just got Melinda Messenger from?

What do you mean? She was Polly like. Yeah, she's always on my mind. You were always on my mind. You seem restless tonight. I know, Sam. I just can't get to sleep. I've got Melinda Messenger racing through me brain.

Do you ever count Melinda Messengers to get to sleep? Have you ever tried that? No. Count sheep. Cool. She's single. Is she? Yeah ever tried that? No. Count sheep. Cool. She's single. Is she? Yeah.

She bemoans being single, she said. She'll be moaning when I fuck her. She'll be moaning. Not complaining. I'd rather have a blowjob off Melinda Messenger than you. All right. Does that, do you take, are you taking that personally? No.

No. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm all you've got. Cool. Glad I rang that bell. Thanks, Jilly from Watford.

She sent us some lovely Christmas presents. Thanks, Jilly. We got some edible vaginas. Edible pussies, it was called. Edible pussies. They weren't very nice. I got glow-in-the-dark sex dice. Glow-in-the-dark sex dice. Do you want to get one of them and have a go?ible pussies. They weren't very nice. I got glow in the dark sex dice. Glow in the dark sex dice.

Do you want to get one of them and have a go? They're over there. I can't, yeah. And we got some jellied cunts. No? Oh, dear. Kama Sutra. Oh, Kama Sutra sweets.

Sweets, yeah. And we got a whip and some handcuffs. Oh, my God. I've just thought of something I could say to someone whenever I avenge myself or someone I love. So, like, I can see how myself or someone I love. Right. So, like... I can see how that trainer thought, yeah. Right.

So, I fuck them over, and they're fucked, and they're crying, and I'll go, karma suits you. Ooh, nice, nice, nice. Yeah. Good, that. What would add another layer? If you killed them using a weird sex position? Yeah.

That would be great. If you just killed them doing the fucking reverse helicopter. The bumhole suffocation. Oh, my karma suits you. And then she takes her last breath, and it's just my poo. Oh, dear. What a lovely, subtle use of words. Subtle.

Karma. When creativity fails you just go as gross as possible what's the bumhole suffocate just talk me through it I think I know yeah so you know how people breathe out their nose and mouth yeah you put your bumhole

on it put me ass cheeks around those things yeah and go full bane you think my bumhole is your ally? I was born with this bumhole. As a German Bane. I'm not doing Bane.

I'm doing your arsehole. Hello, Madam's arsehole. I could explode at any time. Every time I do Bane, I feel happy. Have you broke the law there as well? no just having sex and they suffocate it

no once again I haven't done I haven't studied law but I think if you suffocate someone with your arsehole and they die your arsehole becomes a weapon does it?

I think mine's already classed as a deadly weapon. You're like a boxer. Like a boxer can't punch anyone. I can't punch anyone. Because it's like... You can't pass wind near a child's head. No. Legally.

I did fart on a child in a Christmas movie. I know, but yeah, you got a warning. Yeah. Yellow card. I, er... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you...

There's been laws passed hasn't there because like the rough sex laws have been passed where it's not a good defence anymore because men were like

killing women during sex and then getting off with it because they were saying yeah she wants to be shot in the back of the head when she wasn't looking just recently loads of laws changed

because men were like yeah she was into gunplay. Fucking gun up there. Oh, it's gone off. Shot her in the pussy. Can't do that anymore. Let's go connect and it's gone mad. The good old days

when you could just shoot a woman's tits off please don't don't clip that Carl that's a genuine thing men were getting off with murders of a sexual nature because they were claiming

a rough sex defence which is now no longer considered a good legal defence like choking and stuff yeah mad makes sense

good if you're one of those people that got off with that I hope you get Yeah. Mad. Makes sense. Good. If you're one of those people that got off with that, I hope you get fucking shot in the vagina. Do you do some questions? Sure. Well, I'd like to... I think it should be a bit more serious now. Should we just change the tone?

Yeah, yeah. It's happening, Lids. Just a quick one. Have you ever actually seen your own gooch? Much love, Robbie Backett. And he put in brackets, yeah yeah it's happening Lids just a quick one have you ever actually seen your own gooch much love Robbie Beckett and he put in brackets pro evolution

Rob Beckett as Carl called me so have you ever actually seen your own gooch I have yeah I could feel

a lump there so I squatted over the mirror wow you lowered the weapon over a mirror. Well, I didn't really squat. I sort of like laid in the berth in position

and held the mirror. Laid in the berth in position. Just a big spot. You had a gooch spot. At least you didn't have cancer of the gooch. Yeah. They don't call it that, do they? They call it lump.

What do they call it? They call it Warrington cancer. They call it gocci lump foma i'm telling you what i'm telling you what there might not be a better joke than that today that was that was pretty fucking good. Have I ever seen my own gooch? I don't know if I have, you know. The thing is... I don't think I want to.

I've now got a tattoo on my bottom. So I've looked at my arse more in the last two days than usual. And you sort of realise that there's an area there that you don't want to see. The thing with this question is, the question essentially is, have you ever needed to see your own gooch

because no one is seeing their own gooch accidentally? That is a fact. That is a fact. Yeah. So that's how I know. Yeah, you're not walking past a car and catching the reflection of your gooch. There's a fucking gooch out there.

Bloody hell, I've got to change my walk. Either that or someone's parked that car In a fucking weird place Seen it in the wing mirror Nazis might have seen theirs Hang on The big steps that they had That's flashing your gooch in it So if you were doing that in front of a mirror

Is that called a gooch step as well? The gooch step, that's what it was originally in it. So if you were doing that in front of a mirror. They called it Gooch step as well. The Gooch step. That's what it was originally called. But then people were getting on to it, so they changed it. Talk me through how a Nazi would see their own Gooch doing the Gooch step. Right. So. So.

So this is a Nazi. That's a Nazi. A Nazi soldier. 1930s Germany. Yeah. Practicing the mirror. Before one of the big rallies. Yeah.

You want to get the goose step right. Or like in a shop window, if they were just walking towards a shop to take it over. They were doing the goose. Do you think Nazis always just walked in the goose step? No.

Okay. But they did it when they were going to like commandeer stores. No, no, no, no, no. Can't talk. Nazis are commandeering stores. They're walking towards the Sainsbury's on Berlin High Street. And they're like, what?

What? And as they get closer, they're like, fucking hell, Jeff. I can see your goops there, lad. Some of them have kilts on. So, just talk me through. I know we're so far into the bullshit. I want to know. I want to know.

I want to know how you thought the Nazis commandeered stores. They were like, right, we are the Nazis now, and we will control the stores to the Sainsbury's, which is possibly to be sold. And they goose-stepped all the way towards the Sainsbury's window and went, Gunther, my goodness. Or. You might have.

Or. If you were used to goose-stepping as part of general ruse, not all the time. Like, once you've had a few drinks, you'd be goose-stepping while you were used to goose stepping as part of general ruse, not all the time, like once you've had a few drinks, you'd be goose stepping while you were drunk all the way to the, like, in the toilets, in the nightclub, they'd just be goose stepping

while they're washing their hands. What? What? What? What? Nothing you can argue with his logic. It's all true. It's all facts.

Why did they walk like that style in it the only time i get i take it nazis something they were stylish the only time i walk like that is when like one of me balls is stuck to me leg i'm trying to get it off and when you're at the nazi rallies yeah yeah yeah i've never been to one alright sorry sorry I will say this about the Nazis in Germany great graphic design

very stylised obviously horrific murderous horrible racist Nazi cops but they they knew how to put on they

the clobber someone like clobber pretty nice and the rallies they were the first breakdancers, essentially. Talk me through that. It's just early breakdancing, isn't it? What do you mean?

It's the can-can. What is it? It's more the can-can than it is breakdancing. The can-can is literally like... The Germans are like, we like this, but we don't want to do it like the French. And women dancing is not for us. Ballet dancers will see their own Gooch.

Ballet dancers will see their own Gooch as well, because they always dance in front of middles. But they've got that. They've got that. Oh. The fucking Gooch. Yeah, so they look down at it. And they put their legs above their heads,

and they just spin. Oh, fuck me. The leg above the head. Ballet dancers put their leg above the head, don it See that And they put their legs Above their heads And they just spin Oh fuck me The leg above the head Ballad dancers put their leg Above their head don't they And they spin Bend it like that Yeah Right

Bend their leg back And spin on the spot And they've got mirrors On the walls haven't they Exactly That's what the The thing's there The bar's there

To hide the gooch To put the leg up To hide the gooch in the mirror Hey Manzi I've got fucking Balladina gooch here Have a look at that Fucking hell girl You're not going to be able To do fucking the Gucci in the middle. Hey, Mandy! I've got fucking ballerina Gucci here. Have a look at that.

Fucking hell, girl. You're not going to be able to do fucking... The white... Swan Lake. Swan Lake. I nearly said the white swan. Long jumpers who don't have access

to sand and instead use middles. Oh. That's the stupidest thing you've said today. Buy some stretch and that's the stupidest thing the stupidest thing you've said today buy some stretch and that's saying something

long jumpers who don't have access to sand but jump onto mirrors okay sand is just broken glass isn't it

and a mirror is just non-broken glass how dove got did you sand it hey don't worry lads sand is just broken glass I got loads of bottles from the recycling.

Smushed them up. Let's see who gets the record. Annie Lennox. She was always walking on broken glass. So when she was looking down. By the way, Dovecut Park, there's a little crossroads. Because when we went to Zoe's place the other day, I drove through where you're from.

Right? There's a little crossroads. Crossroads, crossroads. Dovecut Park on the corner there is a shop there's a

what's the shop called I imagine little Adam Rose stealing from it what was the big extra oh my god that wasn't there

when I was a kid fuck me what a shop did you go in what a shop yeah you went to Duffy I went to

I drove past Duffy you went in Duffy though I went in Dovey. Got out, took a few applause. People were like, fucking hell. It's the fucking second one. It's not Adam. Oh my God, it's not Adam.

It's not Adam. Fucking great part, lad. And I went in the big extra. One of the best shops I've ever been in. Have you been in for the camp right liverpool if you're ever in the dovecot area that this now every time i think of dovey i just basically think of just weird the stories you've told about dovecot have made the mental imagery i've just got literally your mum sunbeds drinking and i feel for you, and it feels a bit salty.

I think you're just thinking of my house there, though, aren't you? Right. None of that was outside the walls I lived in. I know, but we're now 152 episodes in, but the big extra is a shop. Are you going to talk about the arrangement of canned drinks? Is that what you were about to mention? It is. Stunning.

So I'm going to tell you this now. That is every shop that is run by a man from South Asian descent in Liverpool. Yeah, they've all got it. They've all got that array of cans. And sweets. Yeah. I'll tell you this.

The fizzy drink supply in Liverpool. You deserve the Nazis coming to take over your store because it's boring. It's boring. I'm so sick of all the WH Smiths in every service station. I pray a day a guy from South Asia takes over a fucking service station on my route home and goes, you know what? People want Dr. Pepper vanilla and cherry

imported from the States. Mmm! Energy drinks. Rio, light. Yeah, that are suspiciously East European. Calorie-free Rio. Normally you can only get Rio in a chippy, and it's full fat.

No, Rio light. Cherry 7-Up. Oh, just a 7-Up. Hints of cherry. Yeah, this is not new to us. We've grew up with that that selection oh mate the original was raj's that's where i used to go oh god i got some bang bang energy drink oh it's phenomenal and i got there was some lads came in for cans

and they all had sliders on and i was like like, feels right. Yeah. Feels right. Sliders in the winter. Two degrees Celsius. Shorts on as well. Do you know how often I walk? I walk the dog at night with sliders, shorts, and my biggest North Face coat on, and I feel fine. Cold legs, I'm fine with.

Cold top, don't like. 100%. I agree with you. I'm just saying, anytime you want to hang out where you live, if I can drive through Dovecot and go past the big extra, I will not be able to drive past.

Just go to any shop in the city? I've been to some shops in Liverpool, but the big extra in Dovecot is particularly good. Do you remember the other day when we were walking up Bold Street in Liverpool and I said, oh, look, it's our convenience store because it's H&W, but the and is an ampersand.

So it looks like H and W. Oh, across from Smithy's. Yeah, across from there. Just the same. Exactly the same. In fact, it's better than the big extra in there. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying Chester doesn't have convenience stores.

But that selection was like to the point where as a drinker of pop and energy drinks, I just wanted to give it a slow, like, fucking tremendous. There wasn't an inch wasted. It was like, every, you could just move perfectly. And someone's gone,

oh, a little bit tighter, a little bit tighter. What about the fatties? Fuck the fatties. Beautiful. What a shop. And then some lads paying with loads of cash and they tipped

for cigs. Oh, it's great. I was like, I should probably have known that guy before I quit cocaine I think you should move to Liverpool and the shop owners

are all sound as well I used to get like Siggies on tick from your mum and everything oh he was dead sound do you remember that shop we went in in London as we were walking

through Camden towards Euston and we came out and we were the first four customers he'd had in three decades oh yeah what the fuck and Adam went

Adam went were they scared of us like it felt like it Liverpool very different vibe they're lovely

oh it's beautiful sorry guys this is genuinely one of the best things I've ever seen is that wall of pop right

never been to around where you are and West Derby I can see it it's nice really nice give you that lovely

you showed our school didn't you as well St Margaret Mary's that's my little school you also saw Cardinalina I saw Margaret Mary's gave it a little you went past Cardinalina

in other ways it's always a place if you went past St Margaret Mary's yeah I did yeah yeah spiritual home of the of the lads

yeah great but the thing I've remembered is the wall of the pub. Oh yeah. Anyway good Gooch chat.

Yeah. I've never seen my Gooch. I know it's there though. Do you Carl? Yeah. Do you want us to

check it for you? No. You don't want a Gooch chat? No I think it's alright. You know I think men need to start talking about their own Gooch check no i think it's all right you know i think men need to start

talking about their own gooch health because what is it again goochie lump phone is a killer of men so many men i know can't do lunges anymore uh i oh yeah ross keenan says hi lids long time listening here but first time emailing if you could be the patron saint of something what would it be love the pod cheers ross so you went to a catholic school cardinal heman say margaret mary's joseph and fucking everyone else infant school but what would you be the patron saint of? I'd literally just clocked

Patron. I'd be the patron saint of Patron and save it. Oh yeah. I just can't believe they're fucking off Patron. They're going to replace

someone will see the gap in the market. Well they already have there's already coffee, tequila, liqueurs. Oh they pop it up. Oh yeah. And I've gone in

and gone to Patron XL and they've been like oh no but we've got this other thing it's the same yeah i reckon if you go this if you got the big extra in dovecart you got if you got any coffee no no no yeah but it's good it's very good lime and kiwi isn't it it's boozy ness cafe my wife made it it's tequila and loads of Nescafe what's that voice from international voice probably sex patron saint of sex

yeah what's wrong with that what the patron saint of all sex yeah so people go like oh I hope I can vomit tell you what then

I'll be the patron saint of foreplay so I'll go in finger them get myself sucked off and you can finish them is that what patrons do patron saints you don't do anything you just look after the all the people who are doing foreplay until you're their patron saint in heaven people will come to me and be like are you the foreplay guy and And I'll be like, what? Get ready. Take me and cock it in your face, and Carl will be over in a minute.

I was the only women foreplay. Did you concentrate at all at school at any point? Yeah, I went to a Catholic college. I know all about long jumping. We just do this. This is what you did at school? Yeah. He'd be like, oh! And then the class would go.

Doesn't the Patri's look after the people who are going through something like I just can't do foreplay I take her knickers off and just fucking headbutt it I need some help that's not a crime

as I've just said what would you do if someone was like if she were like I'm into something really weird I don't want you to go down on me

I just want you to head my pum pum funny yeah yeah that's fine like vintage oh no mate clear a fanny to the halfway line good god no it's got to be a glancer oh no that could catch a flap in from the corner oh a b flap in from the corner. Oh. A biff in from the corner. Oh yeah.

No, it's got to be... A header back to the goalkeeper, a little cushioned. Yeah, a little Ronaldinho. You know when he's like, taps it back up

and then he's got it on his... Yeah. Oh, not a central defender clearing it. Oh God. Jan Koller, the centre striker.

Fuck off. Top in. Luis Garcia, the whip from the edge of the box. Fuck off. Ian Bushell. Put a spin on it. Ian Bushell from my fucking school. God, that kid could fucking head the ball. Steve Bruce's title winning header. Bruce!

The Van Persie diving head That'd be good Oh my god You could drown Kids can't head No more you know Because of CBT Yeah

Under something Thirteen is it There's only ten headers allowed Per session Well I don't know where Ian Bushell is But if he'd gone If his head had gone

Because every time We played football Just anything Anywhere near him A big square head. And he does that, he was, he had it.

It was phenomenal. It was impressive. Like some of the biggest clearances of the game were from his fucking head. If he was now mentally not quite there, you'd be like, yeah, because you were a 12 year old

that could do 42 meter fucking heads. Can't be good for you can it rattling your little brain around spain you don't hear that at all until a certain age it's all on the ground so question then right what what does a patron saint do what's their job so say i was a patron saint of wanking yeah if someone was feeling guilty or having trouble with it, they'd pray to me. And I'm up there in La La Land, and I look down and they pray to me.

Like, lad, I can't. I've forgotten how to wank. I'm doing lefty. I'm too slow or something. But doesn't the person who becomes the patron saint, don't they get that job because they were great at it when they were alive? Isn't that what happens?

Yeah, but... Isn't she the patron saint of like... Hands? Hand movements or something? Just being dead nice. This is definitely all they've been googled. What was Mother Teresa, what was she the patron saint of?

What makes someone a patron saint? Whose protection and intercession of a person, a society, a church, a place is dedicated. Yeah, so you're dedicated to it. The choice is often made on the basis of some real or presumed relationship with the person or places involved. I'll give you that. Yeah.

So you think you're so well known for foreplay that when you die and you're so well known for foreplay but when you die and you're canonised the Roman Catholic Church will be like oh do domini patre bate honey

oh tell you what rowdy bags he's fucking he's gotta be the patron saint of foreplay and the cardinals will be like

oh yeah cardinal Heenan will be there going yeah yeah he's a good lad he did this loads in my college either foreplay

or table tennis not podcasting not stand up no I'm not the best at either of them but you are the best at foreplay and table tennis

I reckon I'm the best Jack Spivvy Hunter cannot wait I reckon I'm the best ever white table tennis player I can't compete

with the Chinese but the pageant scenes of white table tennis players I just got very nervous for a second are you the best ever white foreplayer what tennis player. I can't compete with the Chinese. Bo. The patron saints of white tennis tennis players. I just got very nervous for a second. Are you the best

ever white four player? What? Are you the best ever white man of four player? Probably not. Now that I know that that's the thing

I'm taking that back. I don't know how anyone wants to do that so that we can work together after we die. Oh that's so sweet. Nice one lad. Box me off there kid.

You could be the patron saints of wiping pussies that are like full of cum And then we could go Over back together Oh he's playing to them

What a shit deal that is I'm the patron saint Of wipe up Yeah So I'm thinking I'm Carl Fox I'm in you come and Freshen them up

So for eternity Nice and done that Oh You're cleaning my jizz off and also i have to do i thought it was nice when i said i wanted to work with him and now i never have the jizz cleaner shit job just because i didn't go to college with you just because what job do you want to do then oh carl yeah you can bang him and dan can wipe them up with a wet wipe he started a bang dan you're always cleaning around the fucking studio.

Wipe them up. He started the banging. So he was already the banging guy. And then I had the choice to make myself either the foreplay or the cleaner. And what, honestly, I don't clean in here. That's true. I just want you to work with us.

Oh, that's nice. Finn can be the patron saint of making money from everything we do. So he can produce the finger and pussy pound and clean up podcast all right in heaven luckily none of us are getting in heaven so i don't want to go to heaven it's full of gobshites right cliff richard's going to heaven i'm not going there yeah but you know the other option is hell yeah so I used to a bit about this

I think hell is actually fucking great and that's why the devil hasn't like the good nightclub never needs a poster I think I've seen you get annoyed about

loads of things in real life and I think what we're not sort of remembering with hell is is very specifically tailored to you

oh I ate I ate so you know you know the ick thing that wound you know you know the ick thing that wound you the fuck up the other week

it's that an intense version of that like oh yeah it's loads of like people who are just rock and roll

and cunts and everything it's not it's tailored specifically it's like like a VR for your fucking yeah but it's God

who said that innit and he's got beef with the devil so he would he's got beef with the devil so he would he's got reason to lie about it which is a great way of arguing that yeah

I think hell's probably quite good it probably is well I'm just saying just think of the things that really annoy you God's run his mouth

for years and the devil's gone I'm just not getting involved life I told you my hell it's dark in the abbey I'm in a piece and I can't leave

my hell is having to cancel me Sky yeah just cancel it on the phone genuinely like

just hold and they play the same fucking Neil Diamond song 17 times in a row it just always feels like is the Sky Sky in Scotland are they

I always feel like it's Scotland although I find that less of it that's the Isle of Sky no the Sky call centre. Very good. The call centre is Scottish, I'm sure.

There's no human in that one. Good one. Very good. Yeah. Watch your health. I can fake laugh if you want. This is your health. The dad jokes.

The forever would be, yeah. I was on the phone to a company trying to do a business loan and they were from some part of around London. And this sounds like north-south racism, but I just didn't trust them. All right, mate. Yeah, yeah, we'll get it sorted for you. Yeah.

All right, I just need to take a few details you're like you shouldn't be on this job I just want a trustworthy Scottish but hello

what's the problem with these today it's a very high interest rate but your accent does not determine how good

you are no of course it doesn't but it's just in my coding that alright yeah I'll just pass you on

yeah you're naturally suspicious like if someone if you rang up someone and was like I have a loan they were like But it's just in my code in that... Right, yeah. I'll just pass you on. Yeah, you're naturally suspicious. Like if someone... If you rang up someone and was like, I have a loan, they were like, Yeah, I fucking get that sorted. I just want your bank details.

Now. Please. What accent's that? What accent's that? Person of drugs. Very, very Scouse person. I've got a loan, so I just need to know of drugs very very Scouse personal just I'll just need to know

your details and your address and is anyone in yeah well the yeah this sort of like yeah a little bit

overconfident little bit cocky didn't like it whereas when I've been on Skype it's been like hello okay

I know you're losing your temper but I'm from near Inverness so I'll make it all right. It was nice. Didn't mind it. If Scansley Sky was like,

what, how you doing, all right? Do you reckon soft Scottish is the most comforting accent? Of all the customer services I've ever dealt with, soft Scottish, like a sort of, not a Glaswegian, more of an Edinburgh-y sort of Perth, I'm talking out my arse, I'm just guessing places from

like yeah I've I got into a heated debate about something it was like Sky or Virgin with someone in a

call centre in Northern Ireland and it yeah that felt aggy she was like I do not have to listen to this

and you're like I feel like soft like John Lynn Irish oh yeah oh Jesus I'm John Lynn. Oh Jesus.

The other day, I swapped my phone contract from three to EA. The reason I was allowed to do that is I've now got a credit rating that is acceptable enough that EA will give me a phone contract. Right.

Whereas six years ago when I got me three phone contract, they were the only company who would trust me with one. Well, I'm now with EA anda text me because i ordered a pack code um which is the code you need to keep the same phone number so i ordered that so that i would keep my same number um and ea text me and was like please don't go and i was like you fucking idiots of course i'm going your service is dreadful um but if they'd have got like John Lynn, it was a comedian by the way,

and a friend of ours, if they got him or someone who sounds exactly like him to ring me, I'd be like, come on, what's going on? Why you need to go? Oh,

he sounds like a, can't you just stay just for one more year? Oh, come on. We're making improvements, I swear to God. We're going to get more towers up.

Oh, don't worry about it, you know. I know there's other providers, but can you be fucked? You know, you're with us. Let's stay with us, you know. I want to stay. Put this phone down and we'll just fucking get on. You ring people or don't.

Don't worry about it. It's a sort of, I think he's from Dublin. I think it's Dublin. A sort of Dublin, soft kind of Dublin, you know. Don't worry about, hey, like an insurance company. Listen, the fuck is flooded, right? Get your fucking wellies on and have a cup of tea, you know. That's better, innit?

The house is flooded. Hey, come on now. It's not going to stop raining for a while. Don't worry about it. That's also really good dirty talk from an Irish woman. It's flooded. Get your wellies on. No,

I'm not having Dublin sexy. That doesn't work. Oh, I'm fucking, I'm so damn down there, you know. I don't think Dublin's dead sexy,

is it? I think it's reassuring. It's not. If you could change Lorda's accent. she's a smoker. If you could change Lorda's accent

to anywhere in the world, where would you change Lorda's accent to? East Mid's a smoker. If you could change Laura's accent to anywhere in the world, where would you change Laura's accent to? East Midlands, I love it. When she gets annoyed, fuck off, gay fuck yourself. Yeah, but what would you change it to? Hello, Nottingham Hilton. Not Dublin, I don't think so. I'd change it to a Dublin.

Yeah, 100%. Would you like this? Not Laura, like my missus. Yeah, what would you change my missus to? More right out of themus I haven't seen you for ages you're fucking doing really well

in the old podcast game so you are no I don't think Dublin can be sexy like it's not you can't do dirty Dublin I'm fucking

John Lent you're doing a man's voice though no she's a big girl there's a horsey at the end of this rainbow my name's Siobhan

and I used to smoke loads no i think it's brilliant that was just a little bit more fleming hello oh my god adam yeah a new york gym that's what happens if uh anyone from dublin gets a cold you sound like they run a insurance firm How you doing there In Brooklyn How you doing there Davey Oh my god I'm pretty bad

I need some fucking Lemsom Let me talk about it Yeah Dublin Accent on a girl I don't think so I don't think so Do you think

Connor's fucking sexy No No because he's a man Oh sorry And men can't be sexy I think Fucking racist The girl who does

The little like Spoken word bit in Bewitched songs she's fit how did you get it back to Bewitched how did I not see

that it was just we were moving literally nothing in me went Bewitched is coming down and I'm like yeah a lot of people say I look like me dad and I'm like

yeah fucking don't need a painter and say to Venice And I've fucking Gotten watching Bewitched Uh oh Yeah Fucking C'est la vie

Are you serious Do you like that Yeah 100% Any artist is sexy Oh yeah Colleen Colleen Nolan

I dare you to have a wank Thinking only Looking at only Could you If I challenge you It's a weird one But if I challenge you to have a wank thinking only looking at only could you if I challenge you it's a weird one but if I challenge you to masturbate

to just pictures of Colleen Nolan could you do it without any shadow of a doubt no you couldn't bullshit where's it

without any shadow of a doubt you could not have a Colleen Nolan wank I'm telling you right now there is not a woman on this planet who isn't severely deformed

that you could put in front of me that I couldn't come to. I'm telling you. You can do that all you want. Now, there are some women that I don't care. Emily Moresmo. Oh, Moresmo.

I ain't gone. That's too... Easily. This isn't... Like, genuinely, I mean this. Imagine in her... This is not even remotely a question. I am telling you right now,

you couldn't have an Angela Merkel wank to save your life. Yes, I could. Nicola Sturgeon? Power. Nicola Sturgeon. I've told you I like power. I can't want to fucking devolve. I've told you I'm power. I want to fucking devolve. I've told you I'm attracted to power.

Right. Anne Widdicombe. Anne Wankerdicombe. Not powerful. She's not powerful. Not powerful. Not anymore.

She's not in power now. She's a respected publisher, I'll give you. It'd be a tough one, but I'd do it. I'm going to say this for the last time in my life. I would love to see you have an Ann Winnick and wank.

Pow. Ladies and gentlemen, hell has frozen over. We've finally been fucking nominated for a fucking award. We've been nominated by the legends over at podbiblemag.com in the comedy section of this year's awards on their website. We're very excited. We want to win this one. It's a public vote.

Go to podbiblemag.com right now and vote for us. Fuck everyone else. We're the best. And if you follow us on socials, if you don't follow us on socials, at have a word pod, and then retweet, share things. If you see it, give it a like.

Give this video a like subscribe do everything rub your tits on our podcast that's staying in yeah no no i'll do yeah ring the bell as well rub your tits on our podcast thank you get on me welcome back part three of four we are here with the host of the two vegan idiots podcast carl donnelly's here ladies and gentlemen you're looking fat i'm telling mate we're just talking off air um i feel like yeah do you know when you just you feel like you started the christmas eating about two weeks early yeah and just today i feel just fat. You're not going to have a fat day.

Oh, babes. You know what happened to me? I got tagged in a photo last night after the gig at the comedy store, and I felt really thin. Oh, really? Oh, well. Well, that's not as funny.

Good for you, man. How do you pack on weight as a vegan? It's booze, isn't it? Booze and chocolate chocolate like there's loads of good vegan chocolates now so but yeah i definitely think it's booze if i drink more than about twice a week i just feel it piling on if i went vegan i'd get fatter because i'd just eat chips every day my first six months of being vegan was bad. I'm talking pasta, bread. All you do is just carb load, whatever that is.

It's like being Northern. You're describing my diet. I think I might be a vegan. Pasta, white stuff, Jacob's cream crackers. Constant. Yeah, oh God, yeah. Talk to me. It's my childhood.

You can't be asked to relearn everything cooking wise. So it takes about six months just to get it out of your system. And then you realise. You literally just take the meat out, but overload on everything else. Replace it just with another portion of chip. So I did that. And then I worked it out.

And now I actually eat quite healthy now. And I've got a good varied diet. But yeah, the booze is beer, isn't it? If you have like a couple of nights a week, if you have eight pints of nights a week if you have eight pints of lager that's like going out and eating 20 mars bars or something and yeah twice a week it's not as fun as it's not 20 mars bar night eight pints to me is a night out i don't know i don't know eight pints you can do oh i would be on my for the pint with your

mate with the pub i'll be fucked but i mean you went to the pub, I drink eight pints. I'm not downing them. I'm sort of, they are spaced out over the course of, you know, four hours. That's about right. Half an hour apart.

Carl, I fucking love your drinking stories. It's so good. I remember talking to you about booze when you were young and you were like, yeah, I just started bleeding a lot.

I was drinking to the point of bleeding. I did. I almost died in 20, 20, zero three. I forgot. bleeding a lot so i was drinking to the point of bleeding i did i almost died in 2020 2003 2003 um i yeah i drank to the point of internal bleeding that was one of my finest points no he's toned it down to eight pints a night twice a week no but yeah i mean and also i've been doing this fucking thing at a minute where i've been drinking every morning for a for an advent calendar thing i love it's one of

the highlights of december for me now it's hard it's hard this one is hard work last year was coffee that was so easy drinking a different nice coffee every morning this year i've got to drink a cocktail at like 10 a.m every year that That's a commitment. Well I have to because my wife sort of challenged me to do it. She's an enabler, innit? Also I like how you open up every video on Instagram. Like really intensely close to the camera. So every time I open Instagram, Carl Dunley's like, oh I can't see.

It's a really, oh fucking hell. Somebody said to me, I like, and i i told i think it was it might have been like danny mclaughlin or something somebody said to me once uh that they found it funny that i always say my name at the start of on my own social media every video is always me going hi guys it's carl donnelly but so now i do it on purpose but most of the time i wasn't i was actually just i think it was some sort of psychotic problem can you tell us what happened with the internal bleeding what event was this i was uh it wasn't actually a one-off it wasn't it was the build-up of a quite a long sustained period of alcohol abuse and then i also this is embarrassing i developed I developed an over-the-counter painkiller addiction.

How did it seem to work? Ibuprofen. I got addicted to ibuprofen, guys. Very easy. And I didn't even know that was a thing that could happen. Yeah. But it turns out I was taking it because I was taking it for hangovers. And then it got to the point over the course of a few months where if I didn't take them,

I got a headache. Yeah. Because I was sort of dependent on them. I've done that codeine remember well codeine yeah yeah and i mean that's that i think you get addicted to that even quicker codeine it's a bit because it's more of a morphine two and a half hours took me to get this codeine have you ever taken uh tramadol oh my weird oh i used to i had a little i had a little personal tradition in edinburgh at the fringe every year on my day off i'd get up in the morning take two tramadols i'd go for a wonder and then i'd get a beer at lunchtime and i'd go see a show

take another two tramadol i had like tramadol Wednesdays I mean I stopped this about Five or six years ago That was a weather's been Sprocing for a while Tramadol Wednesday Welcome to Scotland But Yeah I got addicted to ibuprofen

Which is so shit Isn't it It doesn't sound cool It doesn't sound cool But I didn't realise how Erosive it is to your stomach Yeah That's why you're not meant to take too many and uh and over a period of a few months of me drinking a lot

and taking them every day i basically wore away the wall line into my stomach and on one big night out i went out and the next morning i woke up and i remember actually i had a bit of a cold as well and i took um i was drinking like i was on six Lemsit max strengths a day at that point. Cause it had ibuprofen, but also I had a cold. So it was good for that. Your Beecham's addiction was out of control. It wasn't like sad enough to be addicted to Ibuprofen.

It was in a lemon drink. It wasn't even a tablet. Up until that point, it was in tablet form. Cause I had a cold i was out so i was out boozing i drank loads of shots and i had a uh uh lem sit max strength before bed woke up the next morning and i started shitting and vomiting blood and i thought it's just it'll pass you know what i mean so i had the whole day of shitting and vomiting blood how old were you 20 yards what was it 20 i was 21 i think

this is a rough one what did i eat i was just i'll tell you what it was i this is so dumb. I was young. I was convinced the blood coming out of my mouth was a sort of strain from vomiting. And I thought the other end, it wasn't blood. It was black. I was shitting black tar. And it turns out that is way worse than shitting blood because that means it's in your gut, right?

So anyway, I went the whole day just thinking it was nothing. It was just like, I'll be fine. And then I started turning yellow. At that point, my girlfriend at the time went, I think you should go to the hospital because you're turning yellow and you're getting a bit weird and woozy. No, I just need a nap.

I went to the hospital. I'd lost four pints of blood over the day, which is almost half of your body's blood. And then I went in all like and I was doing that thing of acting like i was all right i was sort of like yeah no i'm just feeling a bit weird i've been vomiting a bit everyone and i was telling them about it and she was just looking at me a yellow boy in front of her and then they went come with us and like i got rushed and within about five minutes of telling them what was happening i was like just covered in like tubes and things and i was just on a bed it was one that was putting a finger up my ass to check

the color of what was coming out of me oh and it was just rough and you were like surprised totally you drunk yourself into being a simpsons character yeah and was shocked I was overreacting. I'm a bit overboard here, guys. Just had a few bits. Wow. And now just the eight pints twice a week. Good on you. Obviously, it was all right. Can I just say, though, because you said that a couple of times. No, I'm no judgment. I just think someone who got themselves into that state of drinking at 21,

you're like, Carl's really changed his ways. I can't have been far from that in my head no but no i think yeah i think it's probably quite common for young people and now i'm not i go through phases where i won't touch a drink for two or three weeks now i just like it's a social thing and having a kid i've got a young kid so i don't get to go out that much but when i do like i went out on monday with some mates i reckon i'm probably yeah we sat around a table and drank probably eight pints yeah yeah it hits you harder when you've got a

little kid innit you lose your sea legs a bit with the I've noticed that this last year eight pints in four hours I think if we went and watched

the match I'd easily do eight pints in four hours yeah but you're pub fit yeah you're pub fit I can't do beer I can do

I can drink a bottle of rum and not even know but pints two and I'm fucked oh my god Laura had about five glasses of Prosecco on Sunday cried on the kitchen floor I drink a bottle of rum, I don't even know, but pints too and I'm fucked. Oh my God. Laura had about five glasses of Prosecco on Sunday, cried on the kitchen floor when we got back. Definitely having a kid and getting out of pub fitness is real.

Yeah, I mean, just like, I love your stories of the boozing days because they're proper like rock and roll. When some people are like, yeah, I was mental. I was doing, like, two or three shots of Sambuca at night. You want to meet my mate Carl Donnelly, mate? Yeah, but I don't. I genuinely don't. I'm really chilled nowadays. Like, it is.

Monday hit me hard when I went out and just had, like, a good series of pints. I just find my tipping point. You're making me want booze. I never used to get to that point of being like slurring and i always held it together to the point where people would be like i didn't even know you were drunk and i'd be i'd have i've been like i'd have been forgetting stuff shit face like i wouldn't have even known what's going on but i always held it together good poker face yeah but since having a baby like i now have that i've got a moment where i'm like i go from being straight up like i've had a

few beers to i'm paraplegic like no improper just sort of you know i end up sort of cerebral palsy just like that like that just goes it's one sip of one drink yeah yeah it's a tip point yeah it's a tip and point in it yeah hands go i go very sort of yeah, yeah. It's a switch, isn't it? It's a tipping point, isn't it? My hands go, I go very sort of... Yeah. Oh yeah, I remember. Oh yeah, at the thank you show, you dropped two beers. Yep.

Smashed them completely. But so quick together, that was cerebral palsy drunk. Adam was like, oh, sorry everyone. It's obviously our show. It's his night. So no one's going to bother you because we're in the dressing room of our big show. He's like, oh, my bad.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Oh, my bad. No one bollies him. Everyone just left the room like, I'm just going to drown in his own spilt booze. Sorry. You do drop a lot. It's my fingers. I lose control of my hands. Danger, so. in his own spilt booze. Got it. You do drop a lot.

It's my fingers. I lose control of my hands. Dangerous though. That's a health, in theory, that's a healthy drunk. If you're like, I'm drunk.

I feel like they're drunk. It's more dangerous if you're absolutely drunk. You're like, how are you doing? You're all right. How's your family? Have you got your tax return in? That would be more medicine,

wouldn't it? Yeah, it's bad. You should, yeah. You should show physical signs of being drunk. It's like the people when we went clubbing. There were some people like two pills in would be like, you're like, all right.

They got no poker face. Like, I feel fine. You're like, you look like you're about to implode. Mate, I could really pull it off. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got a mate who's got that. Pow. But I'd be like, yeah, I can talk. Mate, I could really pull it off. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got a mate who's got that. Pupils would be like, pow.

But I'd be like, yeah, I can talk. Yeah, it's fine. And then challenge ourselves to do things like, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's do something. But some people just can't hide it. No. I think I was always pretty good at hiding that. I always had one mate, one of my mates,

he'd always say, you look like, you can tell you've been on something. And the somebody says that to you the most paranoid you've ever been you think everything you're doing with your mouth is like you know i just get all like weirded out about it i've got another mate who's almost like he's almost immune to drugs like then i'm so again i'm going about 10 years when we were sort of doing all that stuff i remember the first time we tried mdma we were in a cottage we were staying there for a weekend and like we all took it like and a few of us had tried it a few times but like we were just and then he tried it for the first time i just sat there for about an hour and went all right guys i'm off to bed i just went to bed the first time he's ever did mdma and he's just

straight down the line for everything nothing nothing ever affects him oh affects him. Oh, yeah. But there are some drugs. Because the problem with thinking you've got a good poker face is you get overconfident with certain things. So the first time we really got into ketamine, like when you're like, oh, you're like this. Yeah. But that's not a drug you'd be like, oh, he's had loads of ketamine, but you wouldn't be able to tell.

If you take enough ketamine, it's basically you're gone. It's like in the wolf of wall street when they're on quaaludes and they hit but because i told myself like you're great you can pull it off my mate tim had gone to bed and he hadn't even done the drugs yeah so he'd gone to bed drinking time we were up like like in the morning it was like six seven in the morning and his sister's sister was ringing him and i don't i was on ketamine but in my head i was like you're fine dan you can do this i was high on ketamine and i answered his phone you know i went get off the phone and she has honestly thought i was a crackhead for 20 years

20 years of basically every time like how's dan doing he's got a house and two kids he's married and she's like yeah but what about the crack addiction? Because she rang her brother and was expecting like, Tim, remember to get the train at 10 because you're coming to theaters and you were going for a big roast. And she got... And in my head, I was like, nailed that, Dan.

Conveyed all the information. Tim's in bed. So as our listeners are painfully aware by now, I don't really do drugs, right? But I've got a feeling if I did, and this is not bravado, that I'd be fine. Right.

And that's because if I've got a headache, like paracetamol and ibuprofen, they don't do anything for me. I have to have codeine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't touch me. So I just feel like I could have a bag of crack and I'd be okay yeah that's a bold

statement they can catch anyone off i think they open up like the serotonin stuff with pills and everything the first time you do a pill and if it's the first time all that serotonin has been let out your head yeah i don't think yeah if you've got tons for other stuff i think if it's the first time things are happening in your brain yeah I don't think you're like yeah yeah I feel quite good but I'm fucking nails so five more yeah I think you would I'd love to see you also wouldn't it be amazing on like and also on like things like hallucinogens they get they're only really good if you like lean into it if you try and sit back and be like I'm in control you'll have a bad trip won't you whereas actually Whereas actually, you've got to just go, yeah, just go with it. And then that's when the...

Have you done the ayahuasca and the DMT stuff? I've done those, yeah. You give off a vibe of a man who's done them in the last three or four days. You did them on the train to Robcorn. No, I've done all those, yeah. Where? I did ayahuasca with a shaman in Plumstead

in South East London. Classic. The Plumstead shaman in Plumstead in South East London. Classic. DMT. The Plumstead shaman. I was so cynical when I got there. I was like, this is... Plumstead's a bit of a shithole. And I just thought, this can't work.

And then I met him and he was a bit of a geezer, really. And I was like, this can't be a shaman. I want him to be some sort of random... You want him to look like... You of, you know, just random. You know, you want him to look like you couldn't place what culture they're from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We knew what you were going to say, brother. Ethnically ambiguous is what you'd want your shaman to be. Yeah, and dressed like they were like an extra from Star Wars.

Yeah. I wanted like a staff and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he just was this bloke in a cap. He was like, all right, mate. And I was like, oh, good. And then. What was his name?

He was great. His name was Louie. Shaman Louie? Shaman Louie. That's better than Shaman Kev though, isn't it? But he was all right mate and i felt good and then uh what was his name he was great his name was louis shaman louis that's better than shaman kev though isn't it but he was great he was absolutely brilliant and he really knew what he was doing and sort of i tried the moment we got into it i totally trusted him and he was very good just like because this drug is supposed to be like you get the answers isn't it and he's in my head shaman louis from plumster just hasn't got the no it's like when my missus asked me to go to that psychic night in the shittest pub in west derby village and i was like he can't read the future or yeah he wouldn't be there in the bulldog no it was in the halton

castle yeah if louis if louis the shaman from plumpton really had the answers, would he be a shaman in fucking Plumpton? Yeah. What does a shaman do though? I mean, he's not meant to... No, I know, I know. He's meant to sort of... Guide you through the night. The answers are all within you, Carl.

Exactly, and it gives you the answers. It doesn't give you the answers. It's sort of... I found it very... It just sends you into your head for 10 hours and you have to just sort of face up to a few sort of things you to a few sort of things you might not have wanted to discuss with yourself really yeah i found it very like

therapeutic i was with like you know you haven't paid that you know where it is. Fucking council tax, lad. Think on. You want to do your bins tomorrow as well? Big purple serpent. It's your council serpent. Purple, like the bins. But it does affect everyone differently. That's why I think people have that thing of like, if it doesn't affect everyone the same,

then obviously it's got to have something to do with your own psyche and your demons and all that because there was four of us around the campfire and everyone had a different experience right julian dean he was there um who julian did you imagine imagine just going if you had to pick which dmt trip you had to do right if you had to do carl's the way he did it in carl's head or julian dean's i would pick carl's you you finding questions in your own mind sounds quite pleasant because you're just such a peaceful yeah it's all right yeah it was a bit i nearly died i was bleeding out my arsehole and my mouth you talk this is how much of how much i like carl is that he told a story about drinking to the point of being yellow and bleeding out of his arse.

And I was like, oh fuck, I really want to go drinking with Carl. You're talking about the time I had like that. Julian D is like, I just think it's a different experience. We couldn't have had more different experiences. Like he fought it. Like he's the whole night. He basically sat in a chair, just smoking rollies,

trying to fight off anything changing. Do you know what I mean? Whereas I properly went like i drank i kept drinking more of it anytime i could like i'd literally be fetal position crying and vomiting and he'd be like if anyone wants some more now's the time i'm like yeah give me another bit and i'd go back into like the visions so there was me doing that julian the whole time just on a chair just like i'm not gonna hallucinate and then there was this guy there's a guy on the right he was the most zen man i've ever seen like the moment it all kicked in i was going through like it felt like turning into a werewolf like

i felt like my whole body was just like changing this guy just went into this sort of like lotus position just sat there like that for about like for about six hours but every like the chinese something on the bench in new girl and nick always goes and talks to if you haven't seen it so really good is it a zen like figure tell me that guy but imagine this right imagine if that guy every 45 minutes just from sitting like that just leant over and just went into a bucket and then sat back up into the lotus position is that like in new girl well reckon, they call it purging. They reckon it's you purging out all your demons.

But I mean, it's just because you've drunk some gross tea, really. This is your demons coming out. Yeah. The shaman told me the next day that I set a record for the most vomit any of these people have ever done. Number one! Put it on the board. Like on top.

Slap it up. Julian Dean way down the line. He didn't even blink. All right, let's move Steve Coogan down. Jodie Marsh. In a reasonably priced flat in Clunton. Oh, brilliant. Jodie Marsh, what a blast from the past that was there. She was always just well good at the

Top Gear driving, wasn't she? She's always like, there was always that party that was a bit sexist going, how is she so good at driving? She's not gendered. But then the fourth guy was the one who just was a total

anomaly, because we all were going through some stuff. This guy, I swear, he was the one who just was a total, like, anomaly. Because we were all, like, going through some stuff. This guy, I swear, he was the youngest as well. He obviously had no demons at all. Because the moment it kicked in, he danced next to a fire for six hours straight. Like, to the point where it was really off-putting. Any time I'd be in a vision about my mum and my relationship with her, and I'd come out of it and be like, and I'd be all tears in my eyes.

And I'd look up and it'd just be next to a fire. Just on it, just having a real dance. Cause he's got, he's literally lived, not lived enough of a life to have any demons. So he's like, I really tried through my A levels. What do you think would be, based on what he said, the things that you don't want to face. So the snake comes to you and he's like, trust in me.

What's he going to tell you about? Very Harry Potter-like. A little bit. The jungle book, actually. Oh, right, okay. Oh, yeah, it is. Yeah, of course, of course, of course. And I've got the eyes for it.

Come on. What are the things that would freak me out? What are the things that within me I'd be scared to face? Yeah. Oh, my God.

I face my demons every time we podcast. I just have to look right. And he's there like, what? Would you rather? DMT's got jack shit on talking to Adam sober. A demon would come and go, what? I'm going to fuck with you. I was like, man, I've podcasted with adam rowe a lot

i don't fancy it i don't it's not i wouldn't i don't maybe maybe i wouldn't recommend it like it's that thing i like some people do it and they love it so much they're like you need everyone needs to do it you know i mean you're sort of like milo mccabe you've had milo on yeah milo loves like milo's always like everyone needs to do it man just it'll fix their lives like no they shouldn't most people shouldn't i got a loads out of it but then i stopped i did them when i didn't i felt like i got what i wanted out of it and that's the end of it i don't feel like so i ask is essentially a similar trip to dmt isn't it uh it's less intense yeah but it's much longer and at times it's very intense but like dmt is 10 minutes of like it's like a sort of it's like being shot into space you're just like

and then you just come back it's like the megabuster space it takes longer it feels so long like you have to sit next to a weirdo but that's exactly it it's like but because i spoke to paul and i've been working with milo and paul a lot of december at hot water and they've been and paul and milo were talking about it and milo was like oh you should do you should do it paul smith said to me that he doesn't think i should do it he said because you've got such a robust view of the world yeah and like i think people go and do dmt when they want answers and they're like what should i do he's like you know what you think you should do and if this like fundamentally makes you question all of it you could just your entire personality could fall apart so maybe you shouldn't do it that's another daniel sloss is somebody who said that exact thing about

he doesn't want to do it because he's happy with his own worldview. Like he's like, I'm quite comfortable at the minute seeing the world in this. I don't want to be suddenly fucking like. Even the sharp edges. The sharp edges are working for you.

Yeah. You know, don't smooth too much off because like Adam Rose comedy, if everyone's like, well, you know, I see everything from everyone's point of view.

I think we should all just be happy good night yeah yeah it does change your view on every like on everything so like you know i'm i've always been quite laid back but i think in terms of my actual outlook on the world it's now more in tune with my personality because i was probably always laid back but i was also a bit more opinionated whereas now i don't really believe anything so i'm much more i'm so much less attached to any opinions it sounds good though it is i'm much i'm so much happier i used to be like fucking the reason i used to get shit face and all that like all the time was probably down to some deep seated stuff and i had periods on antidepressants therapy and all that i haven't had to do any of that since i've lost my mind don't ayahuasca add a baby and all

of a sudden oh this is all it doesn't matter but again the proper like people like that are well into them would say it was definitely down to them whereas part of me is still cynical enough to think it was probably just age as well i did them against getting into like late 30s and the mid to late 30s so you probably just chill out anyway when you hit 40 don't you i don't know there's a lot of angry dads around i suppose maybe are like what if you consider old 40s why are you like same age as me a couple of weeks i'm 41 in march. I suppose, yeah, I'm talking like my dad's age, sort of 70, 65, 70, sort of angry dad. Right.

God, a bit of ayahuasca would do them the world of good. Yeah. Just that sort of generation would take ayahuasca and just realise that the route they take to get somewhere is not as important as they think it is. It would be amazing if you could just let that go. Oh, what looks did you see? What heroes did you see?

Where are you going to park on a Saturday? My dad's feet are starting to swell, so I think insulin might do it for him. I think he might be developing diabetes. I don't know. He's a shaman for it. Yeah. Insulin shaman?

Shaman Lou. Yeah, just a district nurse. I think is what you need. What causes? I've never heard of anyone having swollen feet. Diabetes. Yeah. Is that what?

That's one of the symptoms. Yeah. I didn't know that. He's just got swollen. I don't know what it is. He's not really looking into it either. I didn't know. His feet are bigger than they were last week.

That's all we know. That's all we know. You bought him shoes lately. What? You bought him any shoes? Nope. Must's all we know. You bought him shoes lately? What? You bought him any shoes? Nope. Must be hard. Yeah.

What size are you today? It must be scary to be, what age is he? 61. Imagine being 61, your feet haven't changed size since you were 16. Yeah, but they're not long yet.

And suddenly you're like going to the shoe shop. Sorry, my feet are getting bigger. Not really fat feet. Yeah. Oh yeah, obviously not long.

That would be weird. I don't know if ayahuasca is the solution. No, I don't think it is. It's Savlon, myself. Savlon? I think it might be Evian. Yeah? Yeah.

Hey, Dad, I've got you a lovely bottle for Christmas. Oh, thanks, lad. What is it? Fucking Buxton. Get on that. Jeez. oh thanks lad what is it fucking buxton get on that jeez um you were telling us when you arrived you had a story for us and you said it's it's slightly long winded but it is i want to hear it well i'll tell you basically i genuinely only remembered it when i was getting a pulling into run corn station i presume your listeners and viewers know that you're in Runcorn here.

Yes, the spiritual home of the pod. Don't want to ruin the magic. Live from LA! Thanks for a flying in, Carl. My mate told me a story that sort of culminates in Runcorn. And he told me and about five friends at a wedding about five years ago uh and i still think it's one of the funniest stories i've ever heard because

it's one of the shittiest stories i've ever heard right like he's a he's an irish he's from the west of ireland one of the most charismatic people i know and uh we were and i'll tell i'm gonna tell you the story as if i'm him right because you need to go through it like me and my mates did okay can i ask you one question before you start? Yeah. The Irish accent. A Dublin soft Irish accent on a lady. Do you think that's sexy?

I think Irish accents, almost all Irish accents on women is lovely. I think some guys don't pull it off as well. Now listen, I think it's a very attractive accent. Very attractive. I think I like the accent. I'm drawn to any retractive no no no no i just don't think they can do the dirty sexy talk very well i don't think i don't think irish people you know there's a bit too much repressed no yeah no self-hatred

to do any dirty so i know because my parents are irish i i've got that in me i can't do any of that i can't i've never is there to speak dirty ever right is there a station in dublin is it like you can you know you can ring the girls down at babe station like oh fucking hell i'm trying writing that's so good yeah that was the best one of them phone in and they're dead behind the eyes but do they have that in Dublin like oh jeez I was oh my tits are massive

my ass is big smack me I used to watch that for message purposes back when I was younger and they used to laugh at the men I used to think

that was really bad because I never rang in not once never right but like you could see them like talking to the fellas

on the screen because you can't hear them can you because that's like what you have to pay for so you have to ring them for. So she's like this. And then they go.

And they'd laugh. I'd be like, that's not very fair. You can see it as well. I was paid as £1.80 a minute. Plus the standard network rate. Oh, God. It's like X Factor. It's when they didn't have calls.

It was the most depressing. Oh, God. Yeah. Why are you so good at that? Chantel, that's the telly remote. Did you ever have one in the afternoon when they had some of the clothes on? She's literally just got any woman from like,

oh shit, the fucking stripper's not turned up. Carol from reception, take your blouse off. from reception. Take your blouse off. I don't think they have that in Dublin. Listen, if they have the Dublin base,

oh my God, fuck on, ring me. Ring me on Dublin 12 and fucking, I'll talk the dick off you. If I'm wrong, I'd love to be wrong.

Why have you never tried dirty talk? I just don't like it. It's not my nature. No, it's not.'d love to be wrong. Why have you never tried dirty talk? I just don't like it. It's not my nature. No, it's not. I like to keep things... I'm not like fully... I'm not sort of lights off.

Let's never speak of it again. Also, I'm not... I just, I'm like, you know, keep it simple. I don't mind doing it. I'd love to see you do dirty talk. Oh, yeah, you're awful. Awful, not nice.

You used to have a really funny routine about remember that bit you used to do about when there's always one guy who takes it too far because he's not good at it. Oh yeah. When people start talking about what I'd love to do to her. I'd smash that. And then there's one guy who's-

I'd like to cut her head off or something. Yeah. I'd break her arm. Like, Jesus. Liam. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. I don't mind doing it.

I'm quite happy to dirty talk as long as they fully commit with me. Yeah, yeah. Right. Like, if they're like, what? Or like, giggling in any way, we have to commit to like, this is- Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can't be a one way. You can't say, I'm going to fucking ram it on my fucking nose. She's like, I? Or like giggling in any way. We have to commit to like this is- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

It can't be a one way. You can't say I'm gonna fucking ram it on the fucking door. And she's like, I ain't that dumb. You can't say what? Nice. You can't say what, Jordan Sexx? What? I can't say what?

If you don't hear what they've said, you can't go, what? Hey, if you try to go, oh yeah, yeah. It's the worst thing you can say. What? I also think Adam, you could lose your temper doing dirty talk, you fucking horrible cunt. Dirty Talk. You fucking horrible cunt. You're a fucking horrible cunt. That's not Dirty Talk, isn't it?

That's just being horrible. That's just mean. Dirty Talk is, I'm going to fucking... Oh. What's happened? Why are you doing Kanye West's first album? I'm going to fucking dirty you. My dick's going to fuck your fucking clitor bits here.

Ooh. How did that... What, you miss repeatedly yeah all right no just warming them up see what i mean about the ayahuasca i'll be all right i'll be right because i'm wearing headphones carl that went so deep in my mind i will fucking bang my dick off your clit so you started carl so carl but i do i will genuinely have to give a a warning this is it's the the story is purposely underwhelming right okay but you have to see it in the context and i just i genuinely so where are you and your other mate so basically so me and my mates were at a wedding five years ago and we're drunk it's like you know the sun's just going down there's a lovely wedding one day like my mate rented a barn out and all that sort of stuff and there was fairy lights everywhere we're having a lovely time we're all catching up i've not seen each other for a while and we actually started

having a conversation about it was a bit dirty it wasn't a dirt you know but it was one it was a conversation about if we'd ever been in a situation where we'd felt a bit used sexually like something that i suppose blokes don't often as often go through in it like that thing if you have a one-night stand you leave a bit like you have to go and sit in the bottom of a shower you know i mean and cry so we were talking about that and we were having a real laugh telling these stories about sort of quite bad one-night stands where we sort of felt a bit like we'd you know we'd sort of been put in a position where we weren't actually comfortable. And then my mate Garrett just, he literally said,

have I told you about, you guys, about the time I was on that train to Liverpool? And we were like, what? Because we're talking about dirty sex stories, and he's suddenly, he's now telling us it's on a train. So we're like, yes, please, right? So we're all so giddy with excitement, and he tells us a story,

and it's almost word for word so i remember finding it so funny i sort of noted it down i think i ended up doing i told it in an edinburgh show so i was like because i wanted to see if it would work on stage right and this is the story he told told me and my mates he goes right he goes i was 21 at the time um i was at liverpool he was studying at liverpool uni and he goes um i was going back after the christmas break and i got on a train from london euston to liverpool and uh it was quite busy but i was sitting on a on a table opposite a guy just the two of us just on the four seater he had headphones in did the courtesy nod but nothing no chat or anything waiting for the train to depart just before it leaves a woman gets on and sits next to me and she's weird like she's wiring a bit awkward and you know just the

way she's moving is a bit odd try and think nothing of it we set off and within about five ten minutes she just keeps staring at me like proper just eyeballing not like a little glance but like staring at the side of my head um and so i was a bit nervous and when i clocked other people was were noticing it i was like something weird is going on so finally i sort of looked at her and she just kept eye contact and just went like this she sort of told me to take one of my headphones off so i took one of them out and she just sort of really bluntly went what are you listening to like that i said to her i told her i don't remember what it was but i said like the name of the band and she went i've not heard those

can I listen as well what she goes can I have one of your earpieces so he was so like taken aback he was like yeah alright

yeah cool that's a bit blunt but so he gave her an earpiece they both listened to the music and then after about a few minutes she just keeps talking over it just constantly talking

and asking those questions and after about two songs he's like this is bullshit she doesn't want to listen to music she wants a conversation so turn the music off start a conversation and instantly learn why she wants to chat it turns out she's just got out of prison that morning right she's been in prison for three years um on drug charges yeah this is her train home to see her family uh and you know and she's quite aggressive the way she talks and everyone around the moment they hear that she's just got and you know and she's quite aggressive the way she talks and

everyone around the moment they hear that she's just got out of prison and she's now just talking to me they all just like fucking tune in man they're just going to enjoy somebody being really tense within five minutes of us chatting she starts talking about sex really aggressively talking about like you know what i've missed the most is fucking getting fucking fucked all right so i'm sitting there sort of just like trying to bat it away, like a 21-year-old nervous boy. About 10 minutes more chat, and then she goes to me. She stands up and she goes, I'm going to the toilet.

And she goes, you coming? Like that. And so I sat there and I was sort of shitting myself, and I just went, no, no, no, no. And she walked off, like sort of annoyed that I'd said no. Like, suit yourself. Go to the toilet. And then while she's in the toilet, everyone's laughing and looking at me like, good luck, mate.

Anyway, she comes back. And when she comes back, she's a bit more sort of wired to the point where I'm like, I think she's done something in the toilet. So I don't know if it's like crack or whatever. Now she ramps up the sex talk like proper gets fucking like getting into the nitty-gritty of what she likes and she's just saying it at me like there and i'm just trying to sort of partake 15 minutes later she goes i'm going toilet again you come in this time and again i'm like no no i don't know i'm not no i'm all

right thanks and it was this cycle happens for about an hour and a half, constantly her talking to me about sex, her asking me to go to the toilet with her, people laughing at how awkward I am. Anyway, finally the train stops in Runcorn, right? And she gets up, and I think she's going to the toilet again. This time she just walks, and she doesn't say a word. I'm like, what's going on there?

Anyway, I'm sitting there just having a moment's peace and then i hear i'll feel a knock on the window and i turn and she's on the platform there she's looking through the window and she just gave me this really pleasant sort of wave as if she was like thanks for the chat and then she just went and the door's shut and i was like oh fuck she, she's gone. Train pulls out of the station towards Liverpool and the bloke sitting opposite with his headphones in who's not said a word

the whole time, he's acted like he's had that music on when I saw him turn it off about two seconds into the conversation, takes his headphones off

and leans forward. So I leant forward like thinking he's going to say something and he just went, mate, do you know who that was? And I was like,

no, do you? And that was? And I was like, no, do you? And he went, nah. That was it. That was the end of the story. Now, you've gone through it, right? Can you imagine six drunk blokes at a wedding thinking they're about to hear a sex story

and my mate tells that? It builds and it builds and it builds. We were fucking livid. We were all just on tender, who was she? I don't know. It was genuine. It was so fun.

We were so annoyed, but then we just fell around laughing. It's such a bold thing to do tell that so well that's so that's so well remembered i yeah but i think that's a shorter version than he told he really i'm talking he was adding every detail what she was wearing it was so like it got us so like what's gonna happen next? Did you go to the toilet with her? And yeah. It's the pleasant life. It's fun, they're doing it in the shows fun.

Cause like you literally put an audience through that. Like it's quite a bold thing to do. You've never seen Carl do stand up live. There was a couple. You don't even need to see Carl do stand up live just to see how funny he is go and look at any of his edinburgh poster is it 2018 yeah the small small head yeah we did a couple of small head ones back to back that were really there's not

many people that can hold a room like you hold them with such quiet assuredness like like the way we that i i know for a fact because i was there sometimes doing this podcast it's you're very aware of where one of us is going to go next and who there was a beautiful few minutes there where we were all just on that train with you and i'm genuine like carl's got that in his stand-up you forget where you are and you're in i was on that fucking train so good i used to yeah but i i used to have a i used to do a shaggy dog story on stage um that i i wouldn't i wouldn't do it in a big club i used to do in little gigs and i do it in like tour show and stuff and i remember doing it at the comedy store once it was similar format today it was one that i wrote and um and fuck

mate it was like it was like a seven or eight minute shaggy dog story with like three laughs in the whole thing but the end was so worth it I remember one time thinking I'm doing it at the store and I remember it fucking killed and afterwards I remember like you know that sort of Simon in the sound booth was like I did not know where that was going mate but if that had not worked it takes a certain amount of confidence as a comic though to do those bits because like billy connolly's done that before like he was probably the architect of that wasn't like here's my story the end is worth it i know what i'm doing and you've all got to trust my abilities as a storyteller and you could but you you know the gigs to worth it i know what i'm doing and you've all got to trust my abilities as a storyteller and you can but you you know the gigs to do it out as well like you know i mean if you're

doing a rough gig on a friday night you can tell what their attention spans like you're like i probably won't do the five minute train story any longer any nuance any any new you just sort of sure yeah that's why people slag off edinburgh you just got to remember that pretty much every night at the fringe you can do those stories oh man if you've got one of those long winding ones that takes a little bit of thinking it really pads out if anything you need to got 40 minutes i'll write a 10 minute story with one punch i've seen a couple of shows in edinburgh where that's the whole show and it doesn't work oh god that's the worst isn't it oh

it is yeah that's um but it's also it's quite fun to take the piss out of that you know sort of

there is in that sort of po-faced Edinburgh style sometimes of like playing it seriously and actually

and guys and guys it's when they go guys and guys after all guys guys

have you ever thought look guys what it's all about is guys should be your next tour show the face a dog makes when it hears its owner on the phone just kill off a relative and let's get on with it guys that's what i realized guys yeah life is you know that's when i realize moms die guys life is you know that's when I realise mums die

that's your first one isn't it you know what life's all about guys five stars should we have a break I think we should

press that button Adam get off your phone we're going to do a manscaped ad I'm reading what they want us to say alright we'll crack on hello

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shaving bollocks and they make a perfect Christmas present. So go and get yourself some stuff right now and enjoy the rest of the episode. Peace. We are back again. The final part. Cal Donnelly is... Questionable accent there. It is questionable.

You can tell someone doesn't listen to the podcast. I've listened to it actually and I know you're a big fan of a questionable accent. I was actually trying to do a Coventry accent and it's not my fault that I'm bad at it. Coventry. Calm down, church. You're off by about 25 miles. I am from the Coventry town.

Rico Arena. The Coventry town is where we live with the family. I'm so sick, sick, sick and tired of working just to be retired. That's really bang out of order, that one. Is it? What accent is that? Coventry. That's Coventry.

But where's he travel from? Newcastle. Newcastle. Underline. Oh, right. Not far. Away from here. Anyway, would you... Karl. Yes. Karl. all right not far if I'm here anyway

would you Carl yes Carl just before we get into the old have a words that's why we named the pod I'm going to give you the choice

a stand-upy question or would you like a Christmassy question I think Christmassy fuck stand-up fuck stand-up we're not going to be able to do it for six weeks so might as well not talk about it

two Christmas questions one from Dylan Graham. Would you rather, for everyone, which Christmas film would you rather wake up in, Home Alone or Elf, and why? So you've got to wake up in one of those worlds. Have you got to be the main character? In my head, I'm the bandit as well.

I'm thinking, yeah. Not the main characters. You've sort of... Well, actually, because I would want to be Kevin's dad. Kevin McAllister's dad. It's always been discussed. Like, what does he do that he can afford that house? Pay for the holiday for everyone.

He's up to some dodgy shit. So where are they going? They're going to Paris on the first one. I've only seen the first one. Home Alone 2's Florida. It's basically the same film, different holiday. Isn't there? I saw some funny theory

and it's a joke but like I think there's a photo of that actor from who plays Kevin's dad is in something like The Sopranos

early days there's another yeah he is he's a bent cop he's actually their accountant so Kevin McCallister's dad is a mob accountant that would make sense

to me oh my god yeah I love when films overlap like that i know it's good there's a titanic one as well weird thing isn't it the muppets christmas carol yeah yeah yeah because scrooge is the captain of the titanic all bullshit just silly words um who's the uncle that's awful he's a wanker in the home alone tune he's like get out of here you dirty little pervert or i'll break your head and you're like the tune, he's like, get out of here, you dirty little pervert, or I'll break your head.

And you're like, the reason he's so aggressive is because Kevin McAllister has to get him recorded on there saying it. So for later on, when I think, is it the bellboy is in the hotel in New York, comes in and he goes, get out of here, you dirty pervert. But the initial take on it when the uncle's showering and kevin mccallister goes in to just grab a towel that his mom told him to you're like that uncle is an awful uncle yeah he threatens to smash people's heads in i had an uncle who hated

me um it was spanish his name was jose and i was once jumping on a bed and he burst in he hated me so much that like me and his me and my cousin were jumping on a bed and he burst in. He hated me so much. Me and my cousin were jumping on a bed and he burst in. He saw me jumping on a bed and he looked at me and went, you little piglet. It was one of the worst insults I've ever had aimed at me. And it was horrible. It's a little, little pig. Lee, I know. A little piglet. A tiny micro pig.

Can I just say I'm very closely affiliated to little piglets at the moment. Get your ass off. Why? Because I have a tattoo of a dead piglet on my bum cheek. Why have you got that? Well, I'm happy to explain, Karl. He killed a pig on a farm. I was a farmhand.

How old were you when you killed a pig? 17. I tried to humanely end the life of Runty the pig. He was a farm. I was a farmhand. How old were you when you threw a pig? 17. I tried to humanely end the life of Runty the pig. He was a runt. He was thrown onto a pile of manure. By the farmer, not me. And I quietly went over and just tried to end his life. How did you try and end it?

I tried to put a spade through its neck. Oh, God. But I didn't lift up and down. I just pressed Runty into a big pile of manure. And drowned him. And drowned him in poo. So, at the live show

we did on Sunday, I agreed to get