Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #153 with Glenn Wool - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

UPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Adam we've got some exciting news about the sponsors we have but I've forgot what it is can you remind me it's manscaped.com they've levelled up and they're now our main podcast sponsor our official lead sponsor from now on manscaped.com use our promo code WORD20 to get their products this is now the have a word podcast brought to you

by manscaped.com they've been a long time supporter of us please go and support them and make sure they keep supporting us forever promo code WORD20 manscaped.com. Enjoy this week's episode of the Have A Word podcast brought to you by manscaped.com. It's going to be a belter. Wag wag lids.

Thanks for downloading the public episode of Have A Word. If you're enjoying this podcast, if you like what me and Adam and the boys do, then you will love our patron, which by the way, is the biggest patron in the UK. What is patron? It's an app that you can download, you sign up, and then it's basically a subscription service for VIP membership to this pod. You get loads of benefits, you get extra episodes, loads of content, and it's also a way of supporting the podcast. And then this is what you get. You get an hour and a half extra episode every week, pure, unfiltered, concentrated, have a word bullshit. And honestly, it's some of our best podcasting

because the public episode goes everywhere, all over the internet. The patron exclusives, that gets a little bit squirrely. You also get early release of the public episode. The pubes get it on Monday. You can watch it on Saturday morning. You can also get discounts on merch. You can get discounts on live show tickets.

To be honest, the live show tickets go to Patreon first and because we've got as many patrons as we've got, they never go on general sale. So if you want to see a podcast live show, you probably have to sign up. But here's the extra layer that people are loving, which are the one-offs that we're filming and putting on Patreon. The Thank You Live

Show, The Last Dance, My Last Ever Beat the Frog, which was one of the funniest two hours of live comedy I've ever been involved in. The Ghost Hunt we did with Barry Dodds. We also did the Laura's Gone No. 1 recording, Studio Day. That was a documentary. That's now up there.

And finally, to seal the deal, we've also got four of the Lockdown Lock-Ins. The infamous Lockdown Lock-Ins, where we get absolutely shit-faced in the studio and go way too far and record it for your entertainment. It's a phenomenal drink-along that you do not want to miss. We've done it with

Ishan, we've done it with Johnny Bongo, we've done it with Stephen Trice, and there is another one coming in January. All in all, this is the biggest UK patron for a reason. Because it's funny as fuck, it's great value, you will not regret it. For the price of a fancy coffee,

once a month you pay three quid and you become a VIP lid. Sign up at patreon.com slash haveawordpod. The link is in the description of this episode. That's me done. Me gone. Go ahead. Get on me.

Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, You think darkness Is your ally Upset me nasty bitch Disgusting Wag wag leads you're listening to the funniest Podcast in the game

With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl And Finn Shut up Finn You good looking big fingered Welsh weirdo this is the one and only the now infamous the soon-to-be legendary have a word go ed get on me oh what what made you do that um the coffee went out on the wrong hole. Oh, you bum. Fire start. Coming out there soon.

I got you some Big Dicks, didn't I? You did. Big Dicks coffee. What a very clever advertising thing that is. I couldn't give a shit if that coffee is good or strong. They were like, mate, if you buy Big Dicks coffee, we'll send you a mug with Rowie Bags big dicks hands mate andre deandre they haven't paid for the sponsorship anyway if you buy if you buy the coffee they send the thing so i've got rowey bags loves big dicks have you tried

it yet no i really want you to try it because it's- I need a cafeteria. Oh. We just bought one. No, we haven't. It's not a cafeteria. It's a coffee machine. They're very different. What's the difference? What's the difference between a coffee machine and a cafeteria? Yeah.

Darling. A coffee machine is like a machine that makes coffee. A cafeteria is a little cup with a little- Oh, the pushy thing. Yeah. That's a cafeteria. I just call it a pushy thing, mate. You got a pushy thing.

Have you got a hot water maker? Put the hot water maker on and get a pushy thing. They're called kettles, though. All right. All right, yeah. You knew that, though. I know what a kettle is, yeah. All right, cool, cool, cool.

Mug. How are you? I've got a sore throat still. Yeah? I thought it was the Rona Isn't the Rona Hope it's not the Rona Because if I ruin your trip to New York

I'm going to feel bad And you might hate me But it's just a sore throat Have you done any other tests? Any other things? Like syphilis Syphilis Fuck

It's big now There's no syphilis test available in the UK Do you know that? There's no PCR test And no syphilis fuck it's big now there's no syphilis test available in the UK do you know that there's no PCR test and no syphilis test the Tories trying to really suppress the syphilis data

fucking pricks fuck the Tories no I don't think it's syphilis might be TIV the throat infiltrator virus I've heard that

HIV TIV just in your throat what do you think HIV stands for Infiltracer virus. I've heard that. HIV. TIV. Just in your throat. What do you think HIV stands for? Oh! Whole infiltracer virus. There you go.

That's not far off. No, it's not. That's far off. I just think I've got a sore throat. So, thank you. Thank you for your prayers. You're alright, mate. Don't worry about it. Mashallah. I'm going to be alright. So thank you. Thank you for your prayers. You're all right, mate. Don't worry about it. Mashallah.

I'm going to be all right. Just getting through it with my I love cock mug. Getting through it. How are you, mate? You're looking strong in the fringe. It does look strong. Isn't it, mate? I mean, it's like,

I've been watching a thing about baboons. I've been watching a thing about baboons. I've been watching a thing about baboons. And what's it called? The Gangs of Baboon Falls on Sky. I was like, I'll put this on because it's got animals in it and Etta will like it. She couldn't have given a fuck about it. She's like, oh, they've got sore bottoms. She hates baboons hates baboons oh the little red asses they're horrible little prolapse like the baboon prolapse they seem fine about it but the to a kid she's like that's a prolapse even

at four she's like i'm not having that she knows the way prola she knows it's interesting yeah yeah she's gonna be are they all prolapse she's gonna be less chinese than that she's gonna be a proctologist um but uh you look like one of the alpha baboons you look like you've come in here and gone adam took the one positive word in that sentence alpha yeah baboons a positive thing like of a lot of animals you'd be a baboon okay go to town and call 10 random people baboons no why because there's a racial element to that

isn't there I suppose oh I don't think baboons I don't think baboons you don't think no I know what you

mean you think if you walked up to a random person and let's say oh I don't know let's just pick a race out of the air

let's say it was a black guy and you called him a baboon you think he'd be like I'm on with your day sir yeah what a lovely animal

if I went to town I'd be doing it in Chester and they wouldn't be black yeah and that not that that's a good thing brothers and sisters I'm just saying

I'm just playing the numbers the people who don't like to be called baboons are people in the prolapse ward of the hospital is there a ward? the prolapse ward wow massive fucking hell it's a prolapse essentially an inside out asshole it means when everything that's in

is meant to be out of all the alpha baboons in the room you are the most likely to suffer a prolapse in your adult life. Oh, I don't know, though. You don't strain. It all just happens, doesn't it? Actually, the prolapse is more likely to happen, you know, with vigorous fisting. I don't know what you get up to. It's not vigorous.

Is it not? You're quite a gentle fister. Just gentle. Sounds like Merry Christmas. Just a gentle fist What's my present Sam? I've clipped my nails Oh

You don't need your nails Doing it with your fist Because your nails Are tucked to your hand Bullshit You've never You don't Come on bro

You don't fist with your fist Like Riddick Bow No Fuck off You Punch it You You go in like a

A snake No you don't You go in like a snake. No, you don't. You go in with your fist. No, you don't. I think it needs to be like a cone. Like an ostrich. Then why is it called fisting then?

Because it turns into... Have you never done the rod hole? You try and box like this. Yeah. Yeah, but... That's right. Boxing isn't fisting either, is it? Let's go and have a game of fisting. Boxing is with your fists.

And so is... It is just punching fannies that's all it is what's this what they do that I've just watched it I don't I'm not into fisting

I've never watched fisting oh I've seen it accidentally a couple of times German ladies like what do you get up to girls but they always they always do the

the emu first Rod Hall they do the salt bae you're warming up with that but eventually you're you have never fisted anyone you've never read aren't you yeah no it's called fisting so that's how i do it fucking headbutt it the ditch um what are we talking about baboons you do you look like

you look like you're trying to be the alpha of the pack with that fringe like you've come in and gone i'm going to assert my dominance started using a new schwarzoff got some fucking jack shampoo no it's airspray all right cool pumped but it spells plum pd right yeah because you don't need no a that was honestly the gayer thing you said over the fist in like no let's fucking get in there well i was fisting women so it's not cool cool cool merry christmas everyone happy new year um what yeah baboons not a good one to go around town shouting in people's faces if you had to say to 10 random people just go not also not shout it because people don't like that you just have to go to go baboon and like point at them what animal you can't say you you are a baboon no no you just have to question it like

right so the challenge is you have to go to town today, right, and go up to someone. You're not allowed to say any other word or sound. You can make a sound, but you've just got to say an animal, the name of an animal right at someone's face. At the face or do you go? Car flamingo. Oh, yeah. Flamingos, no.

There's probably some homophobia. Lion. No, it sounds like you're going to call them a lion. You're lying. Yeah, baboon does. You might get a problem. Yeah. No, it sounds like you're going to call him a lion. Yeah, baboon does, you might get a problem. Yeah. Baboon.

Baboon? Shark. Shark. No, that's got like cat, pussy. No,

that relates it to pussy and anyone who's hard of punch dead in. Cat. Cat.

No, my name's Shanta. Yeah, because you can just say, oh, sorry, I thought you punch dead. Cat. Cat. She's like, no, my name's Shanta. Yeah, because you can just say, oh, sorry, I thought you were cat. Dog. Yeah, I think the better question. Donkey.

No. Not good. Pig. Not good. I think the cow. Not good. The better question. Let me finish.

Giraffe. The better question is, do you know what you remind me of? And then the animal. That's not a question. But I think you're giving yourself too much context and it stops it being funny. Do you know what you remind me of and then the animal that's not a question aye but I think you're giving yourself too much context

and it stops it being funny do you know what you remind me of a baboon ape because of your prolapse love saw your fucking

ass out and stopped wearing jeggings you dirty bitch that's offensive innit yeah yeah yeah you ruined it with the end the animal bit

wasn't the worst part of that was it fucking hell girl you want to stop wearing leggings you meat look like a fucking baboon's asshole The animal bit wasn't the worst part of that, was it? Fucking hell, girl. You want to stop wearing leggings, you meat. You look like a fucking baboon's asshole. Jeggings aren't pants, also. Like, people wear them as, like, jeans. Like that, no.

They're wrong. Like, people wear them as, like, their only cover from their waist down. What's that, just wear them like leggings? That's what leggings are, Carl. No, but I'm saying, like, they don't look nice. Yes, they do. Leg Carl. No, but I'm saying they don't look nice. Yes, they do. Leggings are fine. Aren't they fantastic?

I'm talking on the wrong person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's usually the wrong person who decides to wear them. Go to Primark and have a look. I don't know. Leggings are great. They make bums and pussies look fantastic. Why are you looking at pussies?

Oh, God, taking me back to Zoe's place. Pussies? Hey, is Zoe Bear wearing leggings. Fuck her now. Oh, we shouldn't sexualise her. Sports leggings, though. Come on. No, I'm saying, because they're worn by gym ladies,

I'm saying the wrong lady wears them too much. You're saying fat women? No, no. The wrong lady. The bad boom bottom prolapse ladies. Describe the wrong lady wears them too much. You're saying fat women. No, no. The wrong lady. The baboon bottom prolapse lady. Describe the wrong lady. What does she look like? A bit tall.

A bit tall. Her hair's too short. Yeah. Tall, short hair. Plays centre half of Chelsea. It's a man, isn't it? Yeah, it is. Basically, you don't want to see John Teddy in leggings.

Or Robert Huth. I don't think he'd look good in leggings could you could you fuck up you know you can yeah you know you can wank to any woman if you've met a woman

and she had a vagina but she looked like Robert Huth yeah the former Stoke and Chelsea centre back could you come yeah I've told you this

it's all about the pussy for me the Huth puss I don't believe that I've told you this, it's all about the pussy for me. The hoof puss. I don't believe that. Baboon shows are good, man. I think it's because I'm on a lot of Lensip, but I was like, I'm getting into this. What did he do?

Just kick the fuck out of each other. Just one alpha bangs all his bitches. He's got his top bitches, he's got his bottom bitches, and he's got some young buck that's not his bottom bitches and he's got some like young buck that's not quite like full grown who's like maybe I'm your friend

maybe I'll take your power and then if he takes the power he kills all the kids fuck you know they don't fuck about you watch that with Etta yeah

maybe it's the maybe it's the prolapse that isn't the problem I fucking loved it I really loved it Imagine just getting in that baboon Pack and being like I've got some hemorrhoid cream lads

It should be a game changer I could be the king of the baboons You alright? Can I have another lemon syrup? Fucking great You wanna be a monkey doctor? Banobo monkey They have sex for pleasure then what

fucking get that in the air commanding in the box not interested do you know i was watching a tiktok yesterday do you know like how christians say that gays aren't natural they do say that though oh right can i just end christmas because i want my bullshit bell back like like not christians but like i'm calling bullshit on christians not you there right so it's not christians it's on um homophobic people yeah of of which some are christians yeah and some are jews as well but jews got fucking hey hey christians have one i suppose some homophobic hindus as well there will be

there will they're everywhere and homophobic inuit right but there's homophobic people famous religion famous religion I know your church looks fucking cool they pray to the polar bears from the that

that has got to be racist you're a fucking Eskimo and you pray to polar bears holler at me if Google's down the Eskimo and you pray at a pool of birds. Holler at me.

If Google's down, the Eskimo's definitely not hearing that. But this guy's a biologist and he's like, I'm sick of people using biology as a reason to be homophobic by saying it's not natural because it is. Because in over 190 different animal species, homosexuality is a thing. There's a species, I think it might be bonobo monkeys or it might be chimps or something but they're a hundred percent bisexual every single one of them like whether they're given a fanny or a dick they'll have a go they just love to party yeah lots of animals just put them there don't they yeah but what he said is what he said is because it's so prevalent across all of nature there must

be a biological necessity for it there must be otherwise it wouldn't be that common science says like we need the gaze oh i've never thought about it like that what would the biological necessity be maybe it's the slow population growth but isn't that the very opposite of what life does isn't just life recreate i've never even considered this before but isn't that surely pleasure is a necessity right but how's that biological how's pleasure biological like maybe it's for fashion the clitoris there you go I think we nearly answered an

important question and then we got bored I think it's for fashion I think I think Darwin maybe it's to keep glitter ball salesmen

in business shout out oi by the way this whole thing shout out glitter balls shout out glitter balls shout out the gays I'm all for it

like genuinely the whole thing about gays. I'm all for it. Like genuinely, the whole thing about gays are better dressed. You're like, not the gays I've seen. I'm not. Can I question that? Are you going with the gays here?

No, absolutely not. But I think it's, I think it's almost like a weird stereotype. They're like, obviously the gays know how to dress. You're like, I think some of the gays don't know how to dress.

Yeah. And there's also a positive stereotype that they're all clean and some of them are dirty. Some of them roll in mud all day long and then get bummed. Right. And is that a made up gay in your head?

Is that the piggy, piggy, the piggy gays? You're a dirty little piggy. I am, Adam. Come and see me in the sty. Like some of them are clean and some of them are filthy.

Some of them haven't washed for weeks. Who are these gays that you've just made up in your head? I'm just saying statistically. Statistically speaking, there must be a Peppa Pig jumping in muddy puddles gay somewhere. Yeah.

Right. I just can't, how is anyone in the year 2021 still going, oh, it's wrong. I just can't grow the fuck up. the year 2021 still going, oh, it's wrong. I just can't grow the fuck up. However, they're not all best dressed. I've seen some fucking badly dressed states that are gay. You know when like straight men are like,

oh, fucking gays, shite. It's about men and women and fucking in vaginas. Stop drinking in Wetherspoons, Adam. Go on, carry on. I'm sick of having these conversations surely those those men right these are so made up fucking gays it's all about men and women that doesn't right i know it doesn't like some some gays roll around in mud and a dirty dirty gays statistically, and I have the data, and some straights are like,

fucking gays, I hate them. Dirty gays. No, but like, if there are gay people, then there are more, there's more women for the straight men,

isn't there? There's more women to go around. Yes, good thinking. Not that women are property to go around, but just mean statistically speaking. There's gay women as well. There is gay women.

And you know, there's bad signs of everything shama shout out my love both yeah i can't imagine being asked what someone else was doing that much like just also why why do you always bring it children into it it's so like what about what about the children you've got to think about what kind of influence is this having on a younger generation well if they're gay they're gay you fucking idiots if a kid's gay it's gay not just because like they've been exposed to gay stuff as a child yeah like we knew my cousin was gay when i asked him to lend me a dvd and he asked for a deposit.

I was six and he was seven. A gay is good with money. It was just... I don't think he came out as gay. I think he came out as a TSB manager. That's fucking brilliant. Laura's brother, Sam,

was so gay when he was a kid that he I think we talked about this at the London live show he came out but people weren't saying it oh fuck

that was a good live show and he came out and he'd like he was 15 and he'd really built up to it he was like mum

Laura Tom sat them down and went I'm gay they all went we know a lot we've known since you were fucking three and you were doing a hair salon with all your barbies oh it's fucking brilliant he's so funny he was staying at christmas it's so fun hanging out with sam but uh yeah just like cunts use religion as a and and youth as an excuse of like well it's disgusting because of the influence it has on like kids you're like mate you're born gay you're gay in the bible in that time why like kings were shagging men, weren't they? Here we go. No, but they were.

Like, that's true, innit? Yeah, Romans do, like... Yeah. But Christianity shat on a lot of that, didn't it? But also... There was a lot of oppression of women and all, like... I don't know. And, you know, have you heard the phrase,

it's not gay, it's rugby? I have heard that, yeah. Right. So that's sort of what they were doing back then. It's like, it's not gay. It's just, I can fuck anyone because I'm the king. That's what I mean they were doing back then. It's like, it's not gay. It's just I can fuck anyone because I'm the king. That's what I mean. But that argument was it's not gay.

Basically, any holds a goal to Henry VIII. He's got two attricks as well. I think Christianity ruined a lot of the fun of it. I think they came along and fucked over paganism and all of the... I think if you go back far enough, before Christianity got its weird bigoted hands on stuff, I think the Romans, the Greeks, they were like,

yeah, this is fun, stick that there, stick this in there, let's have a party. And the pagans, I mean, in this country, it used to be fucking miserable and they're all in huts. So they used to take mushrooms and just fuck everything, get a wolf head on and have a party. And then the church came along and went, well, that's wrong.

And this is how it is. Why did the church want to stop it? Do you know what I mean? Because they had their rules, didn't they? God created man, God created woman. That kind of shit, isn't it? I mean, if you're talking about working class socialist conspiracy, you'd say that the best way to control population

so that the ruling classes keep control population so that the ruling classes keep control is to put uh rules on everything to go you can't do this you've got to do this marry one woman have a child do a job otherwise god is judging then you go to hell and really that's why the holy man and the and the ruling power the king or whatever the emperor has always been side by side because fear of the eternity and fear of the afterlife has been a tool of keeping poor people in their fucking place and maybe shagging about and women being uppity was part of that. Shut the fuck up. Stay in your place.

The pagans had it right. Boudiccia was like a pagan queen, wasn't she? When the Romans invaded in 30 AD, the one that attacked London, Sack Londinium, was a pagan queen. She rocked up with all the British pagans and fucking sacked London. Bad

bitch! Boudicca! Do you think on some level we're all bisexual? I think if I'd have been a pagan, we're talking 100 BC, a British pagan and I was doing shrooms and I lived in Lancashire

say my I don't know my heritage is still there and it was as cold as it is now at the end of December stick a wolf head on me and bang some mushrooms in me

I'd probably fuck anything in a hut right conditions little bit of mead little bit of mushrooms, stick my dick in a boy. Boy. He was a boy, though.

Yeah. Not a young, young boy. Do you know what I think? I think there's a lot to be said for, like, a lot of those rules have been in place in the last thousand years. Plus, it's to do with the church. I think if a dick's small enough, it's basically just a clit anyway. And I'll have a go.

And you blanched at boy. Boy? We went to a boys' school. Being gay was like, you were scared of it. If you were gay, your life was made to hell. It was horrible. Well, that's not really true, is it? I think we're both right.

There was lads who were gay in our school. They weren't bullied for being gay. life was made hell it was horrible well that's not really true is it i think i'm over like there's gay there was lads who were gay in our school who they weren't bullied for being gay but everyone else was bullied for like doing like everyone else was bullied for the potential to be gay but the gays weren't bullied for being yeah it was weird yeah it was like they're gay don't have a go at them for being gay because they're gay well they weren't like they weren't but if you use the gel pen you would have you were gay yeah the majority of you're gay yeah yeah you didn't want that yeah unless you were gay but then if you were you didn't get it because it wasn't an insult to them like you're gay they were like i know i'd love to know what schools are like yeah i am god you're so gay i know how out were they? How out were they?

They weren't out No one comes out In their bloody school They were just Taking deposits They weren't out But they were You know They were hardly in

And then back out again You know what I mean? Back in I realise that Having a mug saying I love cock For the whole of this Pretty intense

I'd love to know What school Was like I'd love to know what school was like i'd love to know what school's like now for that sort of tolerance of that sort of stuff because this is 10 years ago 12 years ago you're at school no in my head cardinal leaning is exactly the same as when we were there it probably is i don't know and it could be worse because of social media and the fucking grim sheet i don't put with that. I don't know, man. I don't know. Maybe the teachings are different, but I don't think mine's different. The teachings?

I think... Yeah, like, Miss Smith's probably like, be nice to the gays. They can get that in school. No, no, when we were there, she used to tell us to burn them. Yeah, yeah.

Well, she is an RE teacher. She is? Tell you what. We used to do, we had a cardinal in his own prayer. Right. But it was like a song. I'd start every RE R.E. lesson.

I forgot it. What is it? She'd go, Jesus, Mary, Mordor, God, burn all the gays. Wow. Burn them at the stake and then use them as steak.

Have them with chips and pepper sauce. Burn the gays. Please don't clip that out, anybody. That's actually where Bernays sauce comes from she invented it yeah

she sounds good she was 23 at the time she was a scary woman but yeah I think they're probably taught differently

he's a PHSA I don't think the teaching would be much different I bet it is just think the social media is now a teaching isn't it and they're probably like being kind and shitting the learning they're definitely learning different things when we went to school definitely i hope

there's more tolerance for stuff going on i think they're a bit less i hope they're a bit less bothered when like also the whole thing of like you're this you're gay you're straight you're bi you're a trans woman is's that gonna are we finally in a new is that blurring a bit that'd be good if that started blurring so we

like it'd be a bit more progressive to go yeah you're not any one thing you're just who you are and where you are on any

one of the spectrums slowly slowly blurring just love it if that was going on in schools because that was not happening like at my school

I don't even think we knew who the gay kids were A toxic boys school which ours is It's unlikely that's going on Yeah It's a boys play fucking It's a fucking damn shame Cardinal Heenan Catholic Sports College It's the full title

If you're there and you're gay Or you identify as anything that isn't Fucking you know Frighteningly hetero just stick with me when you said that just stick because you just sang the burn gays at the stake song i know i'm just saying i'm just me teachers i know i think i i refuse to sing out of protest actually you're the alpha baboon mate i'm not coming for you um just stick with it kid you'll be all right eventually even if it's rough now

just keep going because gradually all the people around you will improve as you fuck off the idiots that you don't have to hang out with and find people who are sound

that you like that is life it's beautiful just gradually you start going oh my god there's less pricks around me and you're like oh yeah

because I get to choose the people I want to hang out with so if it's rough now if you're 15 just stick with it man i think it's gonna get easier even by a levels it'll get easier the reason i got offended by that uh alpha hetero thing there is i think i am a little bit gay talk me through it kid i'll tell you what i mean right i would rather be in a relationship with a man but we both get to have sex with a woman on the side. That's just what in the best made, isn't it? Yeah.

Imagine me and you getting to live together forever, but every now and then. That would be unbelievable. Yeah. But I don't. To our, like, girlfriends. Had sex. Quick cuddle.

Come back to me and you playing FIFA. I think that's the future. I think what you're describing is divorce why so you marry sam you marry serica goes to shit what's your first thought if that happened at the same time we're probably going to live on the same street so it would be ideal to just send carl to my house and send sam to serica this isn't working out grab Grab the bedding. You're off. Yeah, but like, I don't want divorce. I want the girl there for sexy times.

He wants his cake and fuck it too. Yeah. I want the girl there and I'll still be nice to her. I'm not using her because she's using me as well and she can go off

and have a relationship with whatever else she wants. But we have a little bang time four times a week and then the rest of the time four times a week and then the rest of the time it's just me and carl shopping going for scran and it's not like oh i don't know what i want to eat not there not there not there it's just where do you want to eat oh i don't know what's hard i don't know just walk into the first restaurant and it's sound in it because men are

reasonable and then we get to play fifa do you have to fuck him at any point? No. Right. No. What's different about your life now than the one you just described? Because I have to live with him and not with him. But you still get to play FIFA and go for food with him all the time. You get to work with him twice a week. It's just better if that's the nominee. That's the constant.

And it's just, oh, it's Thursday at nine. Bring the women round. Thursday at nine. bring the women round. Thursday at nine, pussy time. Which you don't believe in it, no one's asked. I think it would be better for everyone. Pussy time. It would be better for literally the entire human race if men straight, I'm talking purely

from a heterosexual point of view here, right? So the men live with men and they just, and the girls live with girls and they just and the girls live with girls and they just every now and then they're just like right let's have a quick bang time let's have a cuddle you still okay do you want any juice okay off you go i'm gonna play fifa with carl and go out for food with carl that's just you're describing how young men live that's having a flatmate and two girlfriends yeah but I don't ever want to go for food with the girls.

I think you're sick of going out with Sam. Or shopping. I don't want to have to do anything. Now, I'm just, I'm saying, it sounds good.

What you're describing is my life as a younger man and I miss those days quite a lot. What happens when that nine o'clock fucking pussy time turns into

9. 15 conception time and the lady who lives two doors down is pregnant with kids what is kid or child yeah well i'll take a day out from me fifa and wagamama schedule i'll be there for the birth and then me and carl will raise the child the kid comes to your house i think that's best for everyone isn't it wow because childbirth can be really uh difficult on the woman and she might need a break for a bit so we'll raise it for three or four years and then give it back all right cool easy oh no we'll raise it till it's seven big man because i think it was watson who said give me the child until he is seven and i'll show you the man so we'll make him a man give him back to the

so you do the hard bit yeah and then when he yeah teach him how to play footy wow BB boss of footy

sounds fucking great it does sound great though doesn't it until the kids no the kids will be fine yeah two homes is better than no home kids love FIFA

seen that on a poster on a bus stop so forgetful what who's fed the kid oh fuck I did it last week yeah

no you because you have a regimented schedule what a fridge right yeah the kid gonna open the fridge itself we show them how to open the fridge

yeah cool I think it'd be fucking amazing I don't know why anyone hasn't thought of it before I think I might be a bit gay I want to hang out with my best mate more.

I'm bloody bisexual. Love you, Carl. Don't kiss me, you bummer. Well, good luck. I think I've just described, like, utopia. It would literally... See? Finishes you with sentences.

Yeah. So why don't you live together then, dickheads you could be living together because society has put us in a box. No It's cuz you like having your fucking handheld by your missus your big wet. I'll older Let me dry Maybe gay hold my hand for a bit Like lady hands. Right, we'll have two pads then. Yeah.

Well, listen, I'm so... I just hope that society is going to be tolerant of you. You can come round, Dan. I don't want to... A thruple? I don't know. You could just... You could come round whenever you wanted.

Winner stays on. Yeah? Winner stays on yeah winner stays on yeah from the bumming no FIFA oh FIFA wow how do you win bumming

that'd be good if you were a couple you'd be like right whoever loses this FIFA game is the fucking post box that would be an intense

game of FIFA that night yeah I'd be scoring own goals that's what I knew you were going gonna say that oh no again that's what i'm talking about that prolapse guys old baboon bottom let's have a fucking break i think i've described what the future of relationships is and people just aren't you know some people are just ahead of the curve

some people aren't understood well in their own time. Like Plato. But I'd be shocked if you're not divorced at some point in your life. So you can just do it then. Moving. But it's not divorce. Because in divorce, there's no side sex. There is the new girlfriend.

No. You're totally misunderstanding what the goal is here. One monogamous relationship. Sex relationship. And you get to live with several men who are all sound. The fucking idiot at the end of that monogamous relationship. I don't mind. I do my life.

I'm alone. Bye, babe. No, because they get to have the sex. It's not misogynist. It's not what women want, is it? What? It's not what women want. Oh, you know what women want. Says the guy who's living with his missus

that he doesn't want to go for dinner with. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean. I live with Sam because she told me to. Women just want to watch Grey's Anatomy and do the... Wash their face. That's literally 90% of Sam's life. Washing her face and watching Grey's.

And you said she's not enjoying the podcast recently. I don't know what I think. Hi, Sam. Can we have a break? Yeah. Oh yeah. I need someone to limp sip. You know there's a disturbance in the force

when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally. But Manscaped have dropped a new ad. It's important. We love these guys. They've supported us, so support them. This ultimate package includes the amazing lawnmower 4.0. Manscaped, the leaders in male grooming, have done it again.

Two million men worldwide that trust Manscaped with the new performance package 4.0 by going to manscaped.com use the code word20 for 20% off and free shipping that's specific to the lids to this podcast inside this package you'll find the lawnmower 4.0 trimmer weed whacker ear and nose hair trimmer crop preserver ball deodorant, crop reviver toner, performance boxer briefs, and a travel bag to hold all your goodies. First off, the new Performance Package 4.0 includes the new lawnmower.

This trimmer is insane, and I dare say the greatest ball trimmer ever. Their fourth generation trimmer features a cutting-edge ceramic blade to reduce grooming accidents thanks to their advanced skin-safe technology. It also has this amazing LED light. So if you're a maverick and you shave your balls in the dark,

you can see where you go. And as I said, the Weed Whacker is amazing. It uses a 9,000 RPM motor-powered, 360-degree rotary dual-blade system. You get all of this kit within the Performance Package 4.0. And then seal the deal with Manscaped's Liquid Formulations. Their Crop Preserver Ball Deodorant for before leaving the house and the Crop Reviver Ball Toner. Manscaped even throw in two free gifts with every Performance Package 4.0.

Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WORD20. Treat yourself. Go around the house, see what else you can shave. But shave everything. Carl, can you shave pets? Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com.

Using the code WORD20. Aye? Hello, you naughty little cunts. Welcome back. Aye? You want a bit of fucking prep, boy? Hey, dress Winston's here. Oh, no, I don't like it.

I was being generic naughty cockney cunt. Turn your fucking vibrator. I know, I can hear it vibrating. Turn it to silent. You can't have your phone on complete silent, you absolute fucking sociopath. We're recording a fucking podcast that pays us very well. It's an iPhone.

Turn it off for a bit. What? You don't have a silent mode? No. Vibrate a silent mode. Put it on do not disturb, to be fair. I'll put it on my ass. Just hear you buzzing on the fucking production desk.

Be a pro car. What is it? It's an important message from like a supermodel who wants... Is it? Fuck. A car fixing. Just another picture of a dog fix just another picture of a dog like a video of a dog

going fucking hell he's done a step over whoa that was good though wasn't it viral thread 1.1 million

just on twitter got that on Instagram the sensei is very good on social media I'll give him that thank you I just thought you

were being a cunt and you weren't putting it on silent so your phone is on silent like silent if you get a text now. Yeah, but I'm not as needy as you, am I? No.

You're like, oh my God. What if a local nursery's on fire and you're the only one who can help? Wow. A runcorn nursery is on fire and they're like, do you know who we need? Podcaster and potential nonce, Dan Nightingale. That's the guy we need.

You've got to be a special kind of nonce to be fucking kids while the building's on fire. At least put the fire out. So where you feel like you have to explain it all and say all the words. Put this way, Dan. Oh, fucking Jimmy Innuendo. Don't worry, lads, if you were doing a joke and you're dead.

Adam's here to fucking smash it in. Outside this room, everybody could be dead everybody from this fire and in here you're the most responsible so a fire has started in a nursery and now it's burnt the whole of the world down because we're in runcorn and that chemical plant there was some gas in the air if you know what and there is a nursery up the top and then over the hill is what looks like a chemical plant. Having said that, who is dropping their kids off next to a fucking chemical plant?

Like, see you later. Don't grow any more fingers. Bye, mommy. Jesus Christ. Yeah, you know, I'll just have to take the risk that there's a nursery fire and they should maybe ring a fire. No, they're all dead.

I nearly said fire ambulance. What if there's a terrorist attack and they've got your family? They're holding them hostage. You sound like Laura. This is how Laura's head works. The more I hear about Laura, the more logical she seems.

Lock the doors because I don't know that ISIS aren't going to come in and take us hostage. If the door's locked, that's the end of them Have you locked the padlock on the side of the house Because if not Think about the Taliban Yeah you are an idiot with that though The house needs to be locked

I don't think you understand where I live I do understand where you live And that's how they get you The Taliban They're like you know who we need to attack? That nightingale in Sogo. No, they don't care who you are. We'll wait till he's doing his podcast

near that nursery that's on fire in Ronkon. Do you reckon ISIS and that will ever go for like the smaller towns? Do you reckon there'll ever be like a Grimsby terror attack? And if there is, do you think anyone will notice? Hey! He popped it up himself. He smashed it down himself. Do you reckon there'll ever be like a Grimsby terror attack? And if there is, do you think anyone will notice?

Hey! He popped it up himself. He smashed it down himself. No, but do you reckon they will? Because I feel like you're safe, aren't you? You're safe from terrorism in Chester for now. I mean, we're not even in Chester. So we're definitely safe. We're in a little fucking village outside.

Yeah, I feel pretty safe. But do you reckon they'll ever, like, for the elements of surprise? Nobody expects a village attack. Because, like, obviously the Liverpools had an attack. I'm doing stand-up for a set of minutes. It was funny. Like, I'm not laughing at the driver.

I'm laughing at the guy. It could have been horrific, couldn't it? Yeah, but it wasn't. And that's what's funny. It was sinister. but that does make Liverpool feel like you know we've earned our strata

but finally a big club it's like getting a Champions League isn't it getting chosen yeah that terror attack it shows that we're

worth attacking come on that was a fucking League Cup win at best 100% yeah I know what you mean

but like the fact that we were The target at all It was silverware Is like Yeah It's a Yeah It's a charity shield

Do you know what I mean There's loads of London clubs Like New York Is obviously the big one Then London Got like They've had a few Manchester

Probably the worst one Oh that was fucking awful I was in Manchester that night But yeah It's It's Almost like I was admitting something I was in Manchester that night. Yeah. It's... Almost like I was admitting something. I was in Manchester that night. Busy night.

I had that David Walliams tweet. What one? Who died. It was a prince. Yeah. Like, oh, I knew him. I met him at a charity gig. It's making something bad about you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. David Walliams started it. Anyway. How did we get onto terrorism there um turn your phones off

do you think you like to think you're safe because I have genuine silent mode on my phone oh yeah it was the

nursery on fire yeah silent mode I'll tell you right now I god forbid that there is a terrorist attack because if it's happening during one of my naps It was the nursery on fire. Yeah. Silent mode. I'll tell you right now, I, God forbid that there is a terrorist attack because if it's happening during one of my naps,

it's not being interrupted unless the explosion is within my sleeping earshot. Honestly, do you know if I've had a Nusselt drink the night before, you could blow up my kitchen and I wouldn't know. It'd look the same. Honestly.

After a night out, Al-Qaeda have just attacked Adam's kitchen, but he was drinking the night before. He's like, fucking hell, I've smashed this up. I've had a heavy one there. Goes down for his 4am vento. I can't believe he thought that was fizzy full time. I genuinely, but that's what he said.

He said, I wake up in the night when I've been drinking a Vimto and I'm fucking Vimto. Oh, my God. I have two pints of Vimto. That makes sense when you know it's the cordial. It's like mainline in diabetes. Yes. Oh, my God.

If we get to old age and none of us have lost a fucking foot it will be a miracle um got some questions any fucking prep i've done loads i've done loads um martin ashton says all right lids with the darts being on all over christmas and with it being a fairly simple sport out of all of you who'd be best? Obviously six weeks and Adam's champion of the world. People have really got your number on this. Also, if you're going to play darts, you need a nickname and a walk-on song. So what are they going to be?

All the best lids, Martin. Thank you Martin. Adam the pussy power row. Adam the pussy power row because he's powered by pussy. Is this after you've, is this post--op is this when you're a trans lesbian fucking power pussy he's the best at mats as well and you need mats and i'm actually really good at darts because we had a dartboard growing up my dad was in a darts team yeah and

you've you look like a darts player this is one of those ones where I'm like yeah I can see that you look like the guy who comes to scores yeah you do faulty can I do it in my voice Adam Rowe you require 67 you need 67 you naughty little bastard Adam Rowe

to throw first Adam the pussy power is it power pussy or the pussy power I can't remember I don't want to get your nickname wrong

what would you be? So he's the, even though it's not an alliteration, sometimes it's an alliteration, isn't it? Like Adam the- Phil the Power Taylor. PP.

Tony Gimp. What? He is Tony Gimp, but it's PP. Phil the Power Taylor is like, because he was so good and because that nickname

was so long-standing, it's a good nickname. But if you, if he had just up and, like, was he young? And he was, like, not very good. He was 14. And he worked his way up and he was like, I'm the power. All right, Phil. Phil's gay.

Adam the Darth Player, Ro. Yeah, keep it simple. Dan the Thrower Nightingale. Shouldn't he be Dan Darth Ro? Dan Darth Ro? Dan Darth Nightingale shouldn't he be Dan Dart's row Dan Dart's row Dan Dart's Nightingale yeah when I marry Adam because you explained

what cohabiting's like and I'm like fuck Laura change it to Dan Flightingale I tell you what lads come on yeah now but

are they going to be noncy about it and be like listen your name's actually Nightingale so you're going to be Dan Flightingale Nightingale

because I don't think they're allowed that Are they going to be noncy about it and be like, listen, your name's actually Nightingale, so you're going to be Dan Flightingale Nightingale? Because I don't think they're allowed that. I'd have to go by Deedpole. Is it Deedpole or Deedpole? Deedpole. And change my name to Flightingale. Dan Flightingale. Oh, Laura would be fuming about that, because she loved taking my name.

And if she had to change the name to Laura Flightingale, no, I don't think she'd be happy. The trick with darts mathematically is what you want to do is try and get down to 32 remaining

because then you're aiming for double 16. And if you hit 16 accidentally, you go to double 8. And if you hit 8 accidentally, you go to double 4.

And if you hit 4 accidentally, you go to double 2. And if you hit 2 accidentally, you go to double 1. And if you hit four accidentally, you go to double two. And if you hit two accidentally, you go to double one. That is the best one to be aiming for because if you just miss and you hit the actual number, it halves the most.

Right, and if you're going for double, if you've got 40, double 20 out, if you hit one or a three, it's more bullshit, isn't it? Yeah. Then you can't get out. If you get down to 38 and it's double 19, if you hit 19, then you can't get out if you if you get like if you get down to 38 and that's double 19 if you hit 19 then you haven't got a double okay cool because you're down to 19 good maths so you need to hit a one and then a double nine yeah a lot of the problem

with me is hitting the board so i'm not at that point what's the one way you go around the clock is it what's the game is it called around the clock yeah cool you know around the clock that's fun that's fun the other day i've got a fucking dartboard we just you know what we need we need some sort of new premises and i've got a dartboard ready we're getting a dartboard table tennis if we get a new premises if we get a new premises we need a bit more space or something yes so i've got a dartboard ready ready to go went to the Christmas markets with Sam and for, you know, like win a big toy thing and you prefer to be there with Carl, go on 100% obviously to win a big toy thing, it was a dart game

so it was a normal dartboard, you had three darts and it said if you get more than 10 points if you get more than 10 points you get a little toy if you get more than 50, you get a medium and if you get more than 56 yeah, you get more than 50, you get a medium. And if you get more than 56, yeah, you get a big, big toy. And I went, okay, got three darts.

I went 20, 20, 20. Can I have my big toy, please? And he went, oh, read it again. And in the smallest fucking writing it said, all three darts have to hit a different number. So I was like, oh, well, can I go again? i go again he was like oh no you've had your go wow it's almost like these cunts aren't to be trusted if i was michael van gerwen i'd just stand in his stall and bankrupt him yeah but there's another small print can't be michael van gerwen in really small print van gerwen then i would go there and be like right they've barred me but raymond and barneveld

come and do it i need flying peter wright rob cross and then on the right it says no dutch whatsoever rob cross i'll put an accent on hello my name is Raymond van Barneveld I'm from Germany Could you do Raymond van Barneveld From Holland Hello my name is Raymond van Barneveld That's probably quite good

No Sometimes with rowdy bags You have to stand back and go Fair fucking point Do you You really do What's the way I get into Dutch Stop stop

It's not ready It's not ready What was it Point like a tiger Did you Stop Did you have someone Dutch Cooking your tea once

And you were trying to pick up the lamb Stop it's not ready Wasn't there an advert Stop Oh Grosch Was it the Grosch? The Grosch. One of the worst lagers.

Again. It's not good. The big poppy top. So in my, in the Mandandanden, the, my garden office, I've got my little beer fridge.

And every time I see a different bottle of beer, I'm like, oh, I'll have that. And it'd be like a little, instead of just buying the same Peroni or Moretti or whatever. And I bought a Grosch. It's been there since I bought the fridge. I bought it. It was like, oh, I'll have that. And it would be like a little, instead of just buying the same Peroni or Moretti or whatever, and I bought a Grosjean that's been there since I bought the fridge. I bought it.

I was like, oh, it's got the pop top and yay. And then I'm like, yeah, but I don't want to drink it. I just saw it. It's not a good lager. Rolling Rock. I used to fucking hate that as well. Awful, tangy. And I'm not a big fan of Beck's.

That sounds like rock and roll. Stop, stop. What? Becks is horrible. Becks smells like weed. It's just a party beer, isn't it?

No, it's horrible. No, I don't mean you like it, but it's at a party and you have it. No, I wouldn't drink it.

I genuinely would not drink it. I'd drink Carlin before I drank Becks. Mad. Yeah, same here. I never, I will never pay for a Foster's.

Becks via out of a tap is not as bad, but Fosters. Becks via out of a tap is not as bad. But a bottle of Becks might be relegation zone lager. Fosters feels like it's been bathed in a fat man with cheesy feet. Horrible.

What do you wash your feet with, Jeff? What did someone do to your Fosters? Does it not stink of cheese? Fosters. It's got a really cheesy sort of aroma to your Fosters? Does it not stink of cheese? Fosters. It's got a really cheesy sort of aroma to it. Is it because of the thing's yellow? Because I think I can smell and taste cheese.

No. Right, cool. I'm going to, kind of, Fosters, I genuinely think it's awful. I can't have any unless it's a stubby. Tastes worse.

Stubbier beer is the best beer. And Moretti, by the way, is now my number one beer, I think. I think Moretti's gone Top of the league table Over Peroni Yeah

Peroni's a bit heavy though Isn't it I don't think so No Quite light It's just very strong That's what I mean I don't mean heavy

I mean like If you have six bottles of Peroni Miller Genuine draft At Hickory's Heavy is a word That can mean many things Stop stop

It's not demeaning Why are all my foreign people probably gay? Why is this the most gay episode we've ever done? Stop. It's not done. Stop. I'm super hetero. I'm from Germany and I want it in the body.

Oh my God. It's very hard not to do the German as a little bit, Cam. Oh, Gunther. When in Dusseldorf. I'm from Northern Ireland and I want cock in my fucking bum. How can you do a better Dutch and German than Northern Irish? I fucking more. I fucking.

Northern Ireland. You sound like Ian Paisley. No, no, no. Northern Ireland. Ian Paisley coming out Ian Paisley Coming out No no He said no no No no

Will not relinquish My right To suck a dick No no No no No no I'm from no no You know

Is this allowed Our weight in our head Alright Belfast You're a fucking Baboon yourself Belfast You're a fucking Belfast! You're a fucking baboon yourself. Belfast!

You're fucking Belfast baboons. Belfast! No name! No name! We've just lost so many listeners. Shout out Naomi Mitchell and everyone else who just went, fuck these cunts. No name! No name!

Where am I from? No name! What do they say when they're playing golf? Do you have to shout when doing the impression? What? Do you have to shout when doing the impression? What? Do you have to shout? Can you do? No but show us a

Northern Irish whisper No name That's all he can say Excuse me No name I'm from no name Can I ask you where you're from? No name

No name I don't want to sleep up the fucking bed No name You're from no name Belf bed No name You're from no name Belfast no name You're from Belfast Belfast no name Fucking baboon

And I'm deaf I'm from No name Belfast No name Oh my god Better delete all those tweets What was this?

Was this sign language? Sign language You'd be awful At sign language The fucking Northern Irish sign language sign language you'd be awful at sign language northern irish sign language what would the sign you know sign language if you really give it someone you're shouting yeah no no that is actually how you shout in sign language like that is fuck off that's fuck off also not sign language that is definitely sign language and fuck off no no but it's not I don't know that is definitely sign language

for fuck off no no but it's not I don't think it's probably recognised it definitely definitely is I've seen the fucking fella at three o'clock

in the morning doing it what are you watching he's just telling the newsreader to fuck off you can tell sometimes the board

is like oh but they keep the job I don't think anyone's watching them no one's watching what would be the sign language

for your name because we know John's this John what would Dan be like Cockney Dan Anyone's watching them. No one's watching. What would be the sign language for your name? Because we know John's this. John. What would Dan be? Like Cockney Dan. Why are you giving me this?

Because you love wanking. Oh, that's true. Don't you just call me a wanker? No. It's not also. It's not a barb, is it? What stupid things are called? You're a wanker. You're like, yeah, man.

Come on. That's Adam. The pussy power. So, hang on. Adam, The pussy power So hang on Adam the pussy power Can you say We're going to Adam's In sign language

What's the noise That looks like Do you want to come and bum me in the park It doesn't mean that No no No no Daniel Kilduff Who's from No no no no no no Daniel Kilduff who's from

Northern Ireland if you could only Daniel if you're not if you email then go I'm not from Northern Ireland

you're a monk Daniel Kilduff says if you could only have two of the following three in your life what would you pick your phone

your eyebrows or football American football for Dan if you don't choose the following three in your life, what would you pick? Your phone, your eyebrows, or football? American football for Dan. If you don't choose the sport, then you can't ever play Watch Talk about it with anyone. What a stupid, stupid question. I love Sunland, so I want my eyebrows. What?

So my eyebrows just have to come off, but I can still go on my phone and watch footy? I could just draw them back on. That's a ridiculously bad question. You need a big pen for that. Yeah, it's your eyebrows, isn't it? Yeah. I love it how he's done it like,

God, you really have to think about this. For American football or my phone, where I watch everything on, like, this is so important. Maybe change eyebrows to something like your legs wow

wow makes it harder doesn't it really yeah oh now it does now it is harder yeah it is yeah right so

I could live without my phone Sensei Carl's written in he says if you could only have two of the following three in your life what would you pick your phone

your legs or football? American football for Dan. Oh, I like my legs. I like my legs as well. I like football. So you're losing your phone? I reckon I could...

Like, I'm not good at putting my phone down, but if it was out of my life and I couldn't have it, then I think I could get used to it. Yeah. I'd stick my laptop everywhere. Two seconds! Two seconds. used to it yeah i sent my laptop everywhere two seconds two seconds people just get an ipad um it should be like a you know like when you get addicted to crack or smack or what or weed right and you can go to... Adam does drugs. And you go to, like, a rehab centre.

Like, there should be one of them for phone addiction, where you can go and, like, they just wean you off your phone. There is? Is there? So says Finn. There's, like, retreats where they take your phone off you for a few weeks and you've just got to live as if you're, you know,-1990 i don't think the

level of boring cunt that would be on that retreat how many murders do they have on those retreats because adam is not coming back without blood on his hands on that one adam now we haven't got our phones let's talk i think you'd have to are you a red or a blue? You'd just have to like Offer good alternatives Like books and magazines Use the house phone What? Use the house phone

Some of the projection That this knobhead puts out there Is that just books or magazines? What do you mean? Come on What is that projection? Come on No Dan

He's waking up at 7am He'll read books till midday I'm going to read a book Of a fortnight From next year Jar! Upset me Nasty bitch Jar! Upset me I'm going to read a book on a fortnight from next year. Char! Upset me!

Nasty bitch! Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! You don't even read the group sometimes. Upset me! Nasty bitch! Yeah, because I'm trying to spend less time on my phone. You talk some shit.

I'm going to start reading a book every two weeks. No, you knock off. What's wrong with you all? You're going to get a Kindle? No. You're going to get a Kindle? No You're going to get a physical book? I've got loads I've been collecting them for years

and not reading them and that's actually true Where are they? On my bookshelf You've got loads of books You're collecting them for years I've got at least 30 books Right

I've got enough books to read one of Fortnite next year and not have to buy a book and that's genuinely true Right And I've never read a single one of them, apart from Jamie Carragher's autobiography, which...

Stop! You've got to start with the classics! Dostoevsky or Carragher? I don't know! I don't know! It's actually a really interesting book. My life is a fucking rat! And full disclosure,

I didn't read the final chapter because I got bored. That's the best bit as well. He dies at the end. He dies. Comes out. Welcome to the gay episode. Jamie Carragher's gay.

No, but it was good. Carragher's autobiography is really interesting. Apart from the last bit. I'm not retired. That was sad. Can I guess what happens? You know what happens? It's a young Scouse lad. Loves his family. I'm not retired. That was sad. Can I guess what happens? You know what happens? It's a young Scouse lad.

Loves his family. Good at footy. The interesting bit though is the day he turned us back on Everton Football Club. Yeah. Truly turned us back. Yeah.

So he was an Everton fan growing up and then he obviously signed for Liverpool and stuff. Everton was still a big part of his life but then he played for Liverpool in a game and Liverpool got beat and he went to the local booze and all the

Everton fans were laughing at him and he said I turned round and I walked out that pub and I wasn't just turning me back on those people I was turning

me back on Everton that was the end of chapter 4 no one can truly do that we've said that how old was he 20 odd no one can truly do

that it's impossible we've said that before you can't turn you back on a team you grew up with it's impossible we've spoken about that you can't turn your back on a team you grew up with it's impossible we've spoken about that that United fan who wrote in that's a totally different thing

so that's the book you've read most of it yeah 95% of it well from next year right I'm telling you right now

and I am going to be I'm going to be a dick about this we're doing Adam's Book Club and I'm going to get a jingle about this. We're doing Adam's Book Club. And I'm going to get a jingle, and we're doing it. We're doing Adam's fucking Book Club. We will. And we'll get you to say what you think the book's going to be about.

And then you're going to say... Two weeks later, I'll come back and review it. Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes I'm going to go, I read this. And she's going to go, it was about... I've really fallen off with reading. I don't want to read Jamie Carragher's autobiography, but it's been really bad the last three.

I've always been a bit of a reader. And then for whatever reason, last few years, I couldn't read it. People were talking about, oh, what books you read in the pandemic. I couldn't read in the pandemic. I don't know if it was just the anxiety of losing our jobs.

You lost your glasses. I don't know if it was just the anxiety of losing our jobs. You lost your glasses. I lost my glasses. I just ended up talking to you on Zoom every day. Who needs literature when they've got Adam on Zoom? Hi, mate. How's your breakdown? Pretty good. How are you sleeping?

Not very well. But I'd like to get in on that. Okay, we'll do the other way. You're a famous word nonce, I think. Okay, we'll do Adam's book club. Have a word book club. I'm you're a famous word nonce, I think. Okay, we'll do Adam's Book Club. Have a word book club. I'm actually going to do it. Oh, I know.

Yeah. And I believe. We'll do it once a month, though, because you're not going to read a book every two weeks. Sure. I mean, I am, but if you can only handle one book a month, that's fine. Right.

Cool. I'm a little worried about what you won't do if you're reading a book every two weeks. I'm only going to read it, Jordan Times. I would normally be on my phone. Two chapters. Two chapters. What's the first book?

Can you tell us? So we can buy it. You can buy it? Can you tell us what So we can buy it. You can buy it? Can you tell us what book the first book is so we can buy it? Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell. That's what I'm going to read first. Okay, I'll buy it.

I've already got it. We're going to read it too. We're going to do a book club together. Oh, you're just going to read it as well? Oh, you just don't never keep up? Adam's the fastest reader in his family. Fastest? He reads it at 7th grade level

Oh I see No I thought it was Just going to be me Reading it and telling News about it No we'll read it So we know The shit you're chatting

Yeah we'll start a book club Yeah it's about People who lie out I think Outside They go kips and that I think our lot Are dying for a book club. I mean, no one of the 60,000, 70,000 people

that watch these public offers, no one has once tweeted Instagram messages or emailed us about it, but I get a sense that they're dying to be part of a book club. So, Outliers by Martin Gladwell. I don't reckon we've got a lot of readers in our in our listenership or maybe they just want us to explain what books are about we can just be that for them we can be the entrance to it yeah they don't have to read adam reads for that's what we'll call it adam reads for you i'll read it all and i'll give

you the gist oh that's gonna be good it's if anything it's it's even better than waiting for the film to come out the gist we'll call it the gist yeah adam's gist he's not gonna read a single book i am read the york notes the night before and go it's fucking great that's another thing about adam have you done the book though i didn't see that two chapters i've gone back and started reading jamie carragher jamie carragher 2 the chamber of secrets jamie carragher 3 The Prisoner of Newtley Willows Oh god Do you know I've worn

Jamie Carragher's Chalmers Lake medal Fun fact Naked Little secret red car He was there Actually no he wasn't He wasn't there.

He wasn't there, so I didn't. Carl, do you want to wear it? Only if it's the only thing I'm wearing. He didn't just offer it to me. It was in my cousin's house. In the bath. It was in our Steve's house. Right.

It's defo fake now. Yeah, he faked the Champions League medal. Gonna fit you with chocolate. How was the Champions League medal Gonna fit you with chocolate How was the Champions League medal At your cousin Steve's house? Let me just Trap back some of this Because they were

Very good friends That's the simple fact R.C. Is Jamie Carrigan's Best mate So he let it Bottle As Champions League Is most Pricey Hiya Jamie Alright R.C. is Jamie Carrigan's best mate. So he let it follow.

It's Champions League. It's most prized. Hiya, Jamie. All right. Yeah, it's your R.C. How's your mum? She doing all right? How's the hip? Nice one.

Anyway, wondering. It's been a couple of weeks since the Champions League, lad. I'm wondering if I can get a lender that fucking medal. Yeah, yeah. Because I've got my new car and he's dying to wear it. Cousin. Yeah, cousin. Yeah.

I'm glad you connected me on that one. That made it more fun. Yeah, no, you will wear clothes at the same time. Yeah, yeah. Last time you need to tell me about that. No more naked medal. All right, lad. Get on me.

Me gone. Oh, yeah, yeah. Big fan of the pub oh god it sounds like such it sounds shit

no it's ah kid it's the name sounds so scouse it sounds

so fucking scouse you've met R.C. he's like the scousest man in the world he is

he's called R.C. so there's a fucking star yeah that's all just based okay oh so we're not topping that let's have lunch all right lids we need to tell you about our sponsor nord vpn but if i'm being completely honest and sounding like a granddad i don't know loads about vpns i do though vpns are an absolute belter and the fact you watch as much porn as you do and have never used one of these is absolutely fucking mind

blowing it is essentially premium cyber security it hides everything you're doing and with one click of a mouse you can decide you're in any country in the world so you know like netflix is in america is a lot bigger than in the uk right you can go i're in any country in the world. So, you know, like Netflix in America is a lot bigger than in the UK. You can go, I'm in New York, lads, and it'll give you American Netflix. If you want to watch a Premier League game at three o'clock in the afternoon

that isn't available in the UK, you can go, do you know what? I'm in Saudi Arabia, lad, and I'm watching a bit of fucking Liverpool against Tottenham Hotspur. Can I be in Burundi on a Monday? You can be in Burundi on a Monday. Can I be in Dubai on a Friday?

Dubai on a Friday. Oh my God. There's 59 different countries on NordVPN. I think for me, because I've used this company for a couple of years, so it's a big benefit that they're now sponsoring us and I can sell them. They're the best VPN company in the world.

The cybersecurity is next level and we've now got a promo code that gets you 73% off up to that and a bonus gift if you sign up using our code. That's a lot. Go to nordvpn.com slash have a word and use the custom code have a word. And on top of that, 30 day money back guarantee.

So if you get it and you think it's shite, they'll give you your dough back. Risk-free, absolute belter and an honor to have them on board as a sponsor. 30 day money back guarantee so if you get it and you think it's shite they'll give you your dough back risk free absolute belter and an honour to have them on board as a sponsor me gan I didn't say I was pro slavery

I said I'm not having an opinion on the matter yeah well let's keep it in the break Glen Wool's here Glen Wool second time on the orange couch yeah man got a tour kicking off on the 29th of January Ticket to glenwool.com

And the pinned Twitter At glenwool on Twitter It's like we were trying to leave early We usually end with that shit Yeah Glen's on tour Let's cut to the end Okay

Turn the telly off please Alright yeah Telly's off Fucking hell God what a pro Carl Come on boys Nice to see you Glen Thanks for coming, mate.

Great to be here. You traveled up today, or did you travel up? Oh, no, I came up last night, and I stayed at the Premier Inn in, I believe, Stoke-on-Trent. Oh. Same thing. You ever dined at the Brewer's Fair? Oh.

Have I? Wow. I couldn't believe it. Like, 7.30 at night, I get in. I was like, it like 7.30 at night I get in I was like oh fine you know I've seen this sign a million times I'll give you a shot Brewers Fair

it's linked to the Premier Inn so is there a deal I was right I don't know I didn't inquire about the deal but there was kids playing on one of those grabby things like that. And I walked in the door and saw that. And the guy comes up and goes, do you have a reservation?

Fuck off. It's okay. I know people in the industry. I just went, no. And he goes, okay, well, let me just. And then he comes back right away. Okay, we'll sit you over here. I'm like, what job are you trying for?

We can squeeze you in. Yeah. Near the feral gypsy children. We'll find you. I think it's really funny when like hotels have a restaurant brand that they try and pretend isn't the hotel. That's the Brewers Fair. It's a completely different business. It's absolutely nothing to do with us. Janice, could hotel. That's the Brewers' Fair. It's a completely different business.

It's absolutely nothing to do with us. Janice, could you just jump on the Brewers' Fair? Welcome to Brewers' Fair. Nothing to do with the Premier Inn. If there is anything wrong with your meal, you can't sue Premier Inn. You can only sue this really small Brewers' Fair business. Yeah, nothing to do with premier

and so you always just have big tubes of cereal was it ready for the breakfast no now you pay extra for breakfast and if it's just cereal i can do that myself can i say this right can I say this? Hotels need to get on board with the fact that people want to check out after lunchtime and they want breakfast up until like 1pm. Like this, oh, we serve breakfast between 6 and 9. Needs to suck a bag of dicks and fuck off to infinity. Or if there was just one hotel that were like,

oh, we're the non-cunts hotel welcome to non-cunts where you're allowed to lie in and you can have like a bacon sarnie at 2 p.m and then all the comedians all the musicians all the fucking alcoholics would just go to the non-cunts hotel great hotel bar that'd be yeah but it would also attract cunts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, be full of cunts. Yeah, yeah. I'll be the premier in. Yeah, the last place I want to go is a place full of people like me. But you know when, like,

a comedy club pays for the hotel for you? And, like, they're like, yeah, breakfast's included as you check in. And you're like, oh, what time? Six till nine. I said, why? Because now I feel like

to get my and the comedy club money's worth. Not that I care about the comedy club's money but I feel like they've paid for my breakfast on top of the fee so I still technically have paid for it in a way I'm like I've got to get up to have this fuck

and I don't want to get up who wants to get up before nine o'clock when you're in a hotel gigging away no one yeah and then do you ever done that where you get up for the breakfast

set an alarm for the breakfast go down finish fill yourself up mainly on carbs and then just go back to bed? Yeah, it's called the boa constrictor maneuver. Glenn's been gigging away. I've perfected that over the years. But, like, I like me food, and I especially like breakfast food.

Like bacon, I think, as we've said before, I don't think there's a single thing that you can eat that bacon doesn't improve, including yogurt, right? I think it just improves everything, right? But at like 8.40, when my alarm goes off for like, it's 20 minutes to land the breakfast time in a hotel, I want to go back to sleep so much more than I want any food. Only for three minutes, but those three minutes are the time

when you make the decision of whether to stay in bed or go and get it. Depends where you're gigging. Because if it's a premiere in Stoke, I might just have a lie-in and then just go and get a meal deal from Tesco. But having gigged in the Middle East, where they're like, this is a disgusting place, you don't really want to be here, but you're being paid a lot, and then you go down for breakfast,

and it is unreal. I am willing to get... Because in the Middle East, they have a problem with bacon, and that's the best bit of breakfast. No, but there's... So it's that turkey bacon shite. But sometimes there's a VIP room

for the ham and the bacon. Yeah, the Muslims aren't allowed in it. And they kind of got like a guy, like, standing like, ah, that's not just a hat you wear all the time. That's not fashion. Get back to your seat. Behind a curtain. You want to come to the bacon room?

Come little piggy, the piggy room. I did a thing In In Dubai And I thought I thought this was genius Because We were We were drinking pretty late

One night And you can only drink In the hotels But I I can't remember what happened But A lot A lot of us were drinking

It was getting really late And And I was People were going to bed I'm like Nope We just gotta go one more hour then we can go to the breakfast so we pushed through the night and um yeah and like like you

say it's it's a muslim country and i mean even if we'd showed up drunk to a breakfast in England, we would have stood out a bit. But these were like five fucking hammered comedians and lovely Islamic families. It's like, you see? You see what happens? That's why we don't do it. We're probably gambling too. Look at what the pork's done to them.

I get nervous. I get like there's when you're when you're in that the Middle East gigs there's like Middle Eastern looking families

and then there's the guy who are in they're like they look like the shakes and you're like oh I don't want to piss them off.

I think you could disappear in the desert if you were like we're eating their grapefruit. Or just really quick, so you've never eaten bacon? Never once.

Never behind her back. You've never eaten bacon? Come on. You fucking queen. Come on, eat some bacon. What is their problem with bacon? What's their beef rapport? it's just old religious teachings that was to stop people dying and then it's just been kept on isn't it like do you know what i

heard it was a cholesterol is that what i think pork could go bad well it wasn't that pork could go bad it was uh the the dishes they were eating off were wood. And if you ate pork on wood, you'd be fine on the night, but the juice from the pork would seep into the wood, and then that would cause the next thing on that serving to spoil. And then, you know, it happens enough times, there's something wrong with that pig there. That's one of the theories. It wasn't so much pig. It was the dishes they were eating it off. Right. There you go. with that pig there. That's one of the theories. It wasn't so much pig.

It was the dishes they were eating it off. Right. There you go. Crockery wasn't widely available in biblical times, so they were eating off wood, and then God got involved. Yeah. Why don't we have a sacred animal? Is Indians cow?

Or is that Indians? No, that's Hindus. Hindus, cow. Not all Indians, because indians can be many religions correct including oh right adam why haven't we got a sacred animal you do what you have the swan oh shit yeah because the queen owns them all doesn't she here's the thing i ate a swan once oh my god in england fucking no don't fucking know. That's a different room. That's a different room of the Dubai hotel. Never mind the bacon room.

Come to the swamp. That's the one the English aren't allowed into. They have a swamp room at the Brewers Fair in Stoke. What are you doing Christmas Day? What bird are you doing? Swamp. It was Christmas time. My brother is married to a First Nations woman, indigenous, Indian,

to help you out for what I'm under. Do you understand me? Yeah. Okay. That's all I needed. A Hindu. Well, no, no. No, I'm joking.

Two more words and I would have had to go into slurs. Two more words, I would have had to go into slurs. And, yeah, I went up and visited them in the Northwest Territories for Christmas. And we're eating this bird. And I'd never had anything like it. It was like, it tasted kind of like roast beef almost. It's like goose and roast beef mixed kind of. And I was like, what is that? And she's like, oh, it's like goose and roast beef mixed kind of and i was like what what is that it's like oh it's a swan and i was like oh well you can't you can't eat them in england

and she's just like trying to explain to like like a like she's a lawyer too like like a an intelligent woman just trying to explain the ownership of a monarchy of all the swans yeah yeah trying to tell trying to tell somebody that no no no there's a lady that owns all the birds she owns the birds like all of them no just these birds she has she owns these birds so we're not allowed to eat them and it was just like you could just like it just wasn't registered prince charles yeah fact so yeah every member of the royal family has a bird that does prince andrew's the ducks yeah he's the chicken heart so anyway she she uh she they get started it gets her head taken, and she's like, well, I don't know. So she decides to call the person that trapped the swan,

who lives even further up north in northern Canada. And she managed to call at a time when there was a big ceremony going on for a new chief kind of deal. And the phone rang, which it usually doesn't. They had to stop a ceremony. Or like, you never know who that's going to be. They're ringing. So she gets this ancient ceremony stuff.

She's like, hey, are we allowed to eat swans? The person went, oh no, they belong to the queen. But here's my question. I know. If you accidentally murdered a swan, isn't it a waste to not eat it?

Wouldn't the queen be like, do you know what? I might have lost Geoffrey. Or at least... She knows all the swans by name. They've all got a different name. Oh, I just felt something. Geoffrey in West Derby.

I think he's been hit by a car. Let's say you kill Mickey the Swan. Mickey the Swan. Mickey Swan. Sounds like a fucking gangster, doesn't he? Oh, I'mkey the fucking swan oh i know the queen right so say you killed jeffrey or mickey this one yeah let's say you you hit a swan with your car let's not name the poor cunt let's say you're playing darts and

a swan comes into the pub and as you throw you you dart a swan is hitting the head with your dart right what's the pub called what the eagle gone what if you get in a you dart. A swan is hissing the head with your dart. What's the pub called? What? The Eagle. Go on. What if you get in a bar fight with a swan and you just get like a lucky kick in? You weren't trying to kill him.

But you've heard the rep. They're like, he tried to break my arm. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Con Air. Now all of a sudden you're on a plane with all these other convicts i'd love to kick a swan back in the pond

um yeah are you allowed to eat it then or do you have to like betty got glenn wool kicking a swan in there a swan if you booted a swan unconscious its its neck would really fucking go away. Oh, and here's the thing. If you catch a swan in the head, that's pure luck. Because there is no, like if you get somebody in the head, that's because our necks are very short. But if you, that swan wanted to die. He deserved it. Yeah, it's on the end of a two foot neck and a wire

trying to blow the Death Star up from fucking four planets away. Mickey, jeb and move. What happens if you attack a swan?

Do you go to jail? What? If you punch a swan? Treason. Do you get arrested? It's treason.

Just to punch them? It's Carl's face. Is it treason? No. But what happens if you just batter a swan? I think the RSPCA get involved.

You're not getting a knock from Her Majesty. I think back in the day, you used to get beheaded for it. Right. The swan. What? No, you. Oh.

It goes back to Henry VIII times, doesn't it? Not every game. When Adam pulls out a king from the back, it's Henry VIII every time. What time was that? The Tuesdays. Right, you know Happened about

2.30 every day Like back then He owned all the swans He had the pigeons as well But he let them go Oh really I'm starting to see why Like he's just like

Those are mine I'm getting to them Like roast beef Yeah Where's the Northwest Territories Like Well I'm getting drunk like roast beef yeah where's the northwest territories like well

I haven't figured it out it's in the name go to Canada yeah and you go to the north bit like up towards Alaska but it's still Canada yeah

right okay good northwest bit of Canada yeah split the country into four top left cool that's the northwest of Canada yeah

it's in the name isn't it yeah it's a territory in the northwest we went on a school

trip to the northwest territories of Canada not to the northwest to Quebec

Quebec northern Quebec is beside the northwest territory exactly that's why

we know you were there you were near yeah You were near. Yeah. Yeah, you weren't near. Nothing's near up there. So shit being English, isn't it?

Where's the Northwest Territories for England? It's like Ambleside, isn't it? We're in it? It's literally the Lake District. We're in it right now? Yeah, and you're only ever 100 miles away from it, tops. Wherever you're talking about. Yeah, you just go that way.

It's over there. Is the cities there, or is it like little towns? Yellowknife, I think, is about... Yellowknife. Yeah. No, they call it that because it was where the gold was, and that's how they lost all their gold. The hint was in the name well no yeah they were

like hey what is the name of this people this like they're telling the white settlers oh yellow knife it means gold sword or you know next town over is called stabby money yeah i used to love spending these summers in stabby Money and Cannonball Wealth. I loved your... When I was starting out in comedy, so you've just got to let some of this, you've got to let some of the Cannonball Wealth fly. After a few years of podcasting with him, you're like,

that came from your mind. When I was starting out, I worked at the Hyena, I was the sound man at the Hyena. And Glenn was one of the first comedians that came to stay. And I was starting out I worked at the hyena I was the sound man at the hyena and Glenn was one of the first comedians that came to stay and I was like 20 years old just done my first gigs 21 and I through that period we like Michael McIntyre, Doro Breen, Jim Jefferies there's loads of comics Phil Nickel was one of the first comics we had up there there was comics I was like oh I want to be I want to be a comedian like you and then there's loads of comics here like oh you make me sad and make me want to finish my degree yeah and glenn was one glenn was one of the cool ones and um uh you told me a story

it's my one of my favorite i've retold it to you but i i've even said it on the pod back in the day but i've gigging in those regions you and your mate went on a car ride up to the, I don't know if it was the Northern Territories, but was it for Yuck Yucks? You did like a on the road tour. Yeah. Where you were on the road for fucking ages. And when I was 20,

it was like the most romanticized version of comedy, like me and my buddy just in the car, freezing our dicks off and then you thought you were going to get paid cash every night and you you weren't it was just check to follow at the end of the tour and you just started starving yeah and eating bar nuts yeah popcorn we'd and they let us take the popcorn from one of the venues. Like, we took, like, a big fucking bag. But we'd also, we'd started out, because we thought we had money. The first day, we bought a bucket of chicken

and these two goofy Russian guard hats. And, you know, like, just cheap ones, like fake fur. Oh, because at the start of the tour, you were like, this is going to be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get money. And then... Three days in, catching yourself in the fucking rearview mirror with that hat on.

Yes. Starving. No, looking at another idiot with the same hat on. Knowing you look just as stupid as he does. same hat on no one you look just as stupid as he does so yeah we we ended up like the the bucket of chicken came with um like a little box of chocolates that we had to ration out over the whole uh thing and uh yeah it was really really rough How many dates were you doing? It was in Saskatchewan, and it was over two weeks. And when we realized we weren't getting paid cash, we had just enough money for petrol.

But we also hadn't winterized my car properly. This was in December. And so it meant that at two-hour intervals, we had to keep waking up and turning the car on in the parking lot. Like, we had to switch off on that, just because the car could totally freeze, and then you're not going anywhere, and you're stuck in these fucking hats in the middle of Saskatchewan.

And then the last gig, we finally made it. We just, like, we ate some pretty dire shit and you know we'd been living off popcorn for about a week and popcorn and beer and um the last gig was a christmas party for an oil company and um they were having a turkey meal but they were gonna do it after the uh the show so they made us do the show. They're like, you're more than welcome to stick around and have some food if you want. But we slathered.

We were trying to do our jokes, smelling a turkey being roasted. Fucking starve for a week. And then after the show, we fucking, like, kind of shocked them. Like, prison eat. You guys, just get out of the joint. Oh, prison eating. Such a lovely term. It's still a horrific story.

You're like, yeah, that was nice of you. Like, we were worried we were going to die. We thought we might freeze to death. And we were just're like, yeah, that was nice of you. You're like, we were worried we were going to die. We thought we might freeze to death. And we were just like, literally 12 days in, we were looking really unwell and genuinely scared that we weren't going to survive the trip. And I was like, tell me more, Glenn. I want to be a comedian.

It sounds amazing. I fucking loved it. Didn't you get to like the last, the very last date of the tour? And like, was Campbell there or something? Oh, yeah. Campbell in Johansson. Craig Campbell was there, and he was like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys?

You were like, yeah, I've been eating a lot of popcorn. Didn't he pay for a hotel room and a meal or something? Yeah, I think they let us stay in the hotel. But yeah, he took us to Taco Bell. And yeah, that was a few days after the turkey feed. So we'd kind of, yeah. I've just remembered why you told me the story. You were drinking brandy on the couch of the flat

that I had a flat above the comedy club. And like comedians would stay. And you'd been drinking brandy. And I was like like i've got my first gig out of newcastle and you were and you're like you're great man fucking great i was like i can't i can't like i'm gonna have to get the national express down because uh i don't know if i can't really afford to get it and you were like i hold before you the magic 20 quid. Like I wasn't drinking and you were proper booze in that night. So I was like, oh, I think Glenn's having a nervous breakdown.

Here is the magic 20 quid. And then you told that story. You were like, and that's how bad it got. The tour got that bad. And then Craig Campbell essentially bought you food with the magic 20 quid that comedians who have been paid or a bit more experienced have passed this 20 quid down through the generations so i heard all of that story and then heard the taco bell at the end and you were like should take the 20 quid and go to nottingham it It was one of those, like, rock and roll.

Fuck, I love that story. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel, because that's like a kind of known thing now. You know, I've heard, other people have heard that story and stuff. I can see sometimes younger comics angling for the 20 quid for me,

and I'm like, I'm not drunk enough to give you 20 quid. But you started with it you were like i'm a little scared of this dude but he's fun have you passed on the 20 quid yeah i'd give it back to glenn for drugs it was so not the point of it i completely like we were at a party about six or seven years later glenn had been doing the comedy store and we were at a party about six or seven years later Glenn had been doing the comedy store and we were having

a fucking big old house party and it was in my hair dear as Gav would say Manchester in my hair dear

and we were all hanging out and we were like we should get some more coke or something and did you see me get confused

by the accent I did yeah we were like oh we should get some more coke and glenn was like i do not have any cash and i was like here it is and then he literally took this when he was like know, that's not really what it was for though. I was like, yeah, no, let's just buy more drugs. Yeah. By the way, it wasn't coke, it was pills because there's no way 20 quids worth of coke was going to listen.

There was no, each nostril needed 20 quids of coke at that point. That was brutal. Yeah, that moment when you're with a younger inexperienced comic and you want to be like the big brother and help out you've got to judge that right so you're not like come here chippy here's fucking money yeah ruffle the hair i sometimes like to make it sound horrific so i'll just be like look if you want to make it you know there's going to be some promoters

and you're going to have to suck their dicks. Like, that's what they want. They like, they got the power over you and they're not going to force you to do it.

You say this to the male comedians, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, cool.

You're going to have to suck their dicks. You're going to have to suck their dicks. Right. For the gig in Ashby De La Zooch, you're going to have

to suck some dicks. You're going to have to suck spiky mics. There's only one gig in Ashby De La Zooch and it's going to have to suck some dicks. You're going to have to suck spiky mics. There's only one gig in Ashford, Dallas. And it's a spiky mic. And then you get your knob out, and you're like, that is the magic 20-inch. I'm going to show you why they call me spiky. It's a little code word for you there.

Yeah, hand me your drink. I'll show you why they call me Spikey. Ashby De La Zouche. Yeah, I just like to make it sound really, really bad. It's like, yeah, like for some gigs, you have to like clean their houses. Some promoters will make you clean their house, but then they'll give you a good reference

and it's worth, you know, doing a day's work as a maid, even for the outfit. It's just trying to scare people off. Yeah. Me and Glenn are trying to give 20 quid out for drugs. You're like, it's going to be awful. I didn't ask me anything on Instagram the other day and someone said,

how do I progress into paid work as a stand-up? I've been doing it for four months. I was like... That was you? Yeah. That was you though, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were that person asking that question.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so asking that question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's so much worse now than even when I started 11 years ago. Like, there's so many comedians, and you've got to be so good and so consistent to become a pro comic now. Yeah, it's pretty easy, isn't it? How do you progress to paid work? Someone will go,

mate, do you want some money to do what you just did for free? Like, it usually works like that. It's not like you're like what am i wearing i think i'm wearing the wrong thing and then i'll get like they're gonna someone is gonna go can you do that for money because they're under the impression that there's no eyes on the industry like how would we how would the industry sustain itself it's like okay well we got five comics let's stop looking we will never need another comedian ever in our lives a couple of comedy clubs who still run by that policy yeah slowly i'm playing one tonight yeah i just um it is it's a a rough where did you start out where were your first gigs

you started in canada yeah yeah yeah those areas you were talking about i i did fucking rough gigs starting out i did ones where they hid the stage from the crowd because they're in in british columbia from you figure it out. Where the fuck is it? I got up here with this train ticket Craig Campbell gave me the money for. I demand to play this game. No, because there is a cabaret license that they needed. If they had live entertainment once a month, then they could stay up until 2,

but if not, they'd close at 12. So stand-up comedy was the cheapest form of entertainment so they would book it once a month but the crowds hated it so much they had to not tell them what night it was on and then the stage they'd put some plants on it so many times my intro what the manager would come up looking like he's doing something else like this. And then you fucking pull the backdrop down. You hear somebody go, oh, for fuck's sake. He'd pick up the two plants and go, are you first at Glen Wolf? And ran off.

Boom. Holy shit. And they were your first gigs. Yeah. The unwanted license dodge in the corner of a fucking bar in a fucking mining town you know quite often you know sometimes the mine would be open sometimes it'd be shut you know yeah trying any new stuff tonight oh yeah i'm gonna be off a notepad yeah yeah i just and and i mean what you you learn to be witty and not like i can challenge hecklers you learn how to shut them down with actual wit because if you're like i'll fucking come down there you'd come word

i won't do that. Yeah. Yeah. But the beauty of it is those are horrible gigs, but nothing. Nothing. Yeah. Christmas gigs here can get like that. But nothing on that level. Although I just did the Sheffield ones

You know Toby's Last Laugh Yeah And They were fine But Me and Robbie Rouse

Were Yeah The green room Is like There's the There's the comedy club Cause it's in the city hall And then there's the big room

And Catherine Ryan Was in the big room So we're doing Christmas gigs And we got We got a good green room in there Then there's the big room, and Catherine Ryan was in the big room. So we're doing Christmas gigs, and we got a good green room in there. We got Nina Gilligan, Rob Rouse, and Tom Rigglesworth. We got a good show. So no matter what's happening in the show, but the crowd was extra fucking cunty that night,

like booing and staying alive. People waiting for... They still thing they can't even boo no it was a dude I didn't even have a put down for it just like I hit a moo so we got a bad crowd I'm on last

and I'm just between the second and the third night me and Rob go in to watch Catherine. And what she has to deal with, it's Sheffield on a Saturday night at a Christmas show. And just like, it was like watching fucking people watch a play, but loving a play. People clapping, laughing.

No, a couple times she's, and then people don't like, so at the end, she's like, well, that's been my show. And I said, fucking, and she goes, does anybody have any questions they'd like to ask? And some person went, it's not a question you're

beautiful she's like oh oh well thank you um it's very kind of you to say uh but does anybody actually have any questions i have a question How did you get so beautiful? She was very funny with it. She was like, well, I've got a doctor. And I've got, you know, the need. I've got a doctor. Yeah, like the, you know, the fucking Botox and the jokes. You know, it was good.

And, you know, thinking about the gig, I've got to go into. Glyph, can I ask you a question? Why don't you die of AIDS? I don't have AIDS. You should! What sound does a fucking cow make? Take him down, guys. Moo. Oh, my God.

That gig, those rough gigs are good, though, when you're starting out. Like, I'm glad that I started out in Newcastle and Manchester, and same with you in Liverpool and those gigs, because it means you just toughen up early doors. Now I am much less entertained by it because i'm like i've done this i've done this and i i want to yeah i've got absolutely no time yeah a crowd that don't want comedy i have a crowd don't want it then i'm just like

why are we all wasting each other's time i'm like so what i will do is just start doing new stuff that i'm pretty sure isn't ready like i'll i'll do the baptism of fire with stuff and i'll be like if any of this works there's definitely something in it because that's my way of getting something out of a pointless show yeah yeah well i think the problem with it too is if you get into that adversarial uh mode uh you can win them over but you can't sustain material after that because the material is much better it's much more thought out but it's just not it's not in the room it's not about them so they'll then yeah the unless you want to do that the whole gig which you know oh yeah it's the entire dynamic doesn't it if you make it about them and it's brilliant for five minutes as an act after you've already been doing material and

it's been and the interaction's got a bigger reaction than the material if you try and go back the audience go no no no no no there's a lot not at all so buckling down doing your first bit proper even even at gigs that aren't so cunty if you are in the room fucking about or and do too much local like i've i've done gigs where i've riffed on the room or riffed on the place and they're like that's where we live as you know and it goes on a bit too long and then you're like do you know what else i've been noticing and they're like this isn't about this postcode our lives directly you can like, there is something to be said for just sort of getting on and doing your fucking stuff

rather than getting involved because then when do you slip into the other gear? It's too hard. Well, I think that's, I've got a very shouty, loud style and it is just so that you can get the first one out. You know, like you can get the first one out, you know, like you just raise the level and not even allow them any of that. Do you know those early gigs you were talking about where it's literally they not only are not expecting you,

they're annoyed when it is revealed you're going on. Did you ever smash the fuck out of one of them did you ever win that crowd round to the point where they were like oh thank fuck he was that were any of them ever really good uh yeah but some of them must have been um they yeah like a couple a couple of that's the sweetest victory as a comic is is when you go into a room, especially like, let's say you're Dublin, or like Christmas over here, and you get to close a gig,

and you've been somewhere else first, and you get there, and the compere's like, these have been cunts all night, they're thick as pig shit, they're not listening, they're shouting, every comic has hated it. If you go into that room,

and it starts like that, but by the end of it you're winning it that is better than just having a normal you're the daddy but the the other side of that is that you're now you're thinking are these who my jokes are for king of the cunts yeah that's so so painfully true and it's made me rethink everything I've been doing

there's been shows at hot water over Christmas that I've had to go and last that and I've got there and they're like oh they're fucking horrible and I've gone and I'm like

they were fine they were great and yeah maybe I'm just king of the tarts yeah but you can do the other one as well you don't want to be like those gigs

that are brutal those Christmas gigs that are brutal, those Christmas gigs that are brutal. I've seen some pretty average comics look really good because they've pressed the right buttons, they've rabble-roused, they've, you know, they've made it. What? Don't say it. Pressed the right buttons.

I just, I just, buttons. It just put a certain few comics in my head and I enjoyed it but like the guys who are there's a way of surviving those gigs

where you started out there's a way of surviving the Christmas gigs where you're like it's not good comedy so what you're trying to be is a good comic that comes out of that

you come out battle hardened but you're still developing to it because you could and then the other way is you start in lovely art century rooms or in London on the open mic scene. And you're just used to people going,

say whatever you want. It doesn't have to be funny. Just I'm so supportive of what you are. And then they can't do the other. What you want to be is a comic that can do every room and do proper stuff and do good comedy, but have the gears. Yeah.

And there's not many of those comics in all truth. Like it's good starting out in the battle areas but as long as you can come out of it a proper comic yeah it's like i i told junglers uh i wasn't gonna work for them again this is a long time ago um it was i was getting a divorce i and uh there i got a play at the barican at Christmastime. It was the office party play. I don't know. We did it at Edinburgh a few times,

but it was a big opportunity, you know, lots of really cool actors in it. And it was an interactive play, and I was playing the CEO, and it was a really good opportunity. So I called up Jonglers, and they rewrote the rehearsal schedule so that i could leave to do uh i had christmas gigs at camden for them uh for jonglers who just for our listeners who haven't listened to everything we've ever said jonglers for a long time in the uk was the

pinnacle of comedy at this when they first started out they were the comedy clubs and then it just slowly went to turgid shit to the point where they were unplayable, filled with stags and hens who were allowed in four hours before the show started to get as drunk as possible, and the show became an afterthought. It was all about selling drinks for the venue.

They had a gold package where you can have banter from the compere. Oh my God. So anyway, I call him up. I go, look, I got this play. I want to do it. I just need to go last at Camden. And they went, oh, no, you can't go last.

We don't think you can close it. And I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I will. I don't think you can close it. And I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I will. I had been nominated that year by Chortle for Best Headliner. And the people I was up against was Jim Jeffries, Rod Gilbert, and Michael McIntyre. They're quite good. That's a good, you know, so I'm not telling tales tales out of school when i say i could have closed the fucking gig and uh and they they just they

dug their heels and they said no and i went well okay here's what's gonna happen um i will finish my gigs with you uh and then i just don't work for you anymore you know i'm getting a divorce you could have been cool um you you really weren't you've you've yeah you've fucked up and i'm not going to work for you anymore and uh and i didn't and to their defense the the person that was closing uh the weekend it was was Mickey Flanagan. There was a... Yeah, in retrospect they did have a little bit of a point

but my point being is once, and they would call up for a year afterwards, like we haven't got Glenn's availabilities and Martin was just like, you don't get it. How many times, he doesn't work for you anymore. He doesn't want to work for you. But the moment I stopped working for Jonglers,

my act got 20% better because I stopped writing jokes that I needed. For Jonglers? Yeah. For idiotic, drunken, stag and hen and whore party dudes. Yeah. Lowest hanging fruit can sort of be taken out of the set. You know, the easy ones, you're like,

I'll get these few jabs in for the John Lizzie weekend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is sort of what this podcast has done for both me and for you, which is without to our financial horn too much. I don't need all the club where you will, but you will a hundred percent.

You should get a financial horn. Ding. The bell of finances is speaking I don't need all of the club work so if a club goes you took a few risks tonight and they didn't really work I'll go okay cool see you in three years when you want me back or whatever

because it just doesn't matter hot water's there the frogs are there the stores are there where you can be the comic you want to be it's just it's the same thing it's just there where you can be the comic you want to be it's just it's the same thing it's just I'm just going to do what I want to do now

and I'll get it to work eventually yeah there's a reason that franchises died though isn't it because if you prioritise people who've never been

to comedy before and who will never come again I mean their model was just want you to come in for a stag or hen do we don't need regulars we don't need fans we don't need

people who love it as a night out with the friends we just need big drunken parties and we'll sell to their works or stag and hendu companies that dies out because everyone hates it no one enjoys like there were i've done gigs at junglers that went great there was some good nights at Jonglers but I mean you put them up compared to the store the Frog Comedia Glees the Stans Hot Water

so many more nights where you're like this is pointless when you're on stage you're going I just have to fill this time because these are not listening

there's nothing I can do that's so bad for your stand up if you can take those out of your diary you are going to be a better comic for it, aren't you?

I got like over-gigged last week because I've done the Hot Water Christmas run. So you do two shows Wednesday, two shows Thursday, three Friday, three or four Saturday

and I've had every Sunday and elsewhere as well. And I got to the 22nd and 23rd and was just going through the motions and I was like, I'm bored of these jokes but I've got to perform them.

You could have literally pressed play. I feel like I've been to crowd film. But You could have literally pressed play. I feel like the crowd felt. But you could have literally pressed play on a hologram of the set I did the night before, and it would have looked exactly the same as what I was doing.

And then last night, after four days off, I went in and was so loose and free with the same jokes I was doing last week and finding new tags and new little physical bits. And I'm like, oh, sometimes you can't, like i've missed gigging so much throughout the pandemic and we got locked down we spoke about it almost too much on this but i forgot you can get to a point where you're over gigged and you need those three or four days yeah and you won't write it's like a hungry cat won't hunt um yeah that's what i found when i and it's especially when I lived on the road for five years. If I gigged too much, it was, like you say,

it was the same set every night because you are pretty tired and you don't want to think about it. You don't have any time to sort of... Also, you're always headlining, so the pressure's on. You've got to be the big dog at the end of the show. Bold to be like, I'm going to try that new bit,

which I know you've done, but having nights off means you can nip down and try a bit of new material somewhere or like being the headliner every night when you're on the road comes with a bit of pressure doesn't it yeah i've had to close a lot of hot waters this month over paul smith who at least 100 and out of the room are there specifically for paul and they've had him often in the middle and you've got to close over it and you it you've got it like it there hasn't been one where it hasn't been like fine and the right way around like i can do it but i've had to put the shift in to make that happen yeah and one of the problems too especially when i was doing international stuff if you get a bit of a

profile the comics that want to work with you are the comics that are like you yeah you get like fucking four locals that they're all we we all talk about religion too i'm like well maybe we shouldn't have a night of this this is gonna turn into a sermon you know like yeah so subject matter wise it's better to have a a diverse if i'm ever opening for someone who i consider to be similar to me then i always ask them because it's their gig is there anything you don't have you got a big bit on religion or then i won't touch it and if i when i ask people to open for me on my tour, there's certain comics I love that I will never have. I'll never have Simon Wozniak open for me.

No. And it's just because, and I think Simon Wozniak for me, he's one of the comics I always watch, but he has got a similar accent to me and he's opinionated. Yeah. High concept comedy. Here's why I'm right. Here's the eight jokes.

And it's, I just don't want to have to follow someone doing something similar to what I do I'd rather have someone like I've got Thomas Green doing a chunk of my tour support yeah beautiful because I love him

he's so good to hang out with he can compare and he's not going to go on and talk about anything I'm going to talk about he's going to go on and be I'm an Australian comic

in the UK and here's my lived experience that I'm so far removed from that it's just it's much better who have you got for tour support are you are you doing your own stuff yeah i just do my own i i open i open with

character it's a fucking weirdest swan costume oh it's mickey the swan is that just what you do? oh my god I can't imagine so you don't have support you do your own you just do two sections everything we've just talked about the very opposite end of the scale is your own tour and you're going out at the end of January

it's not a huge tour when you see the room sizes you'll realize that oh there's no there's no room for an extra person in that room yeah it'll just be uh me in the car alone heading up to the gig and that's a you know that's okay you've got an infant child yeah i'll bring him i was implying you want to get away from him when are you playing Hot Water?

Where can we find tickets for the tour? We've got to see Glenn do his thing. He's fucking amazing. Thank you. Especially over longer than a club set as well. It's nice to watch a comic of your ability, get their time on the ball to do what they actually want to do. Special stuff.

Where can we find tickets? The website, glennwool.com, and it'll be up on my Twitter feed too, which is at Glen Wool. When's Hot Water, particularly? I don't know. It'll be on the website. Yeah.

Yeah. Go and see Glen. He's fucking amazing. Let's have a little interval. We've got some questions. I want a fizzy drink. Of course. Go and see Glenn. He's fucking amazing. Let's have a little interval. We've got some questions. I want a fizzy drink. Of course, lad. Wag wag lids.

Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an ad, this. Oh, for the merch? For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you.

They come in different sizes. But I would definitely maybe order one size up. Unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from. And it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch.

But he can't help himself. But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic.

But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here. Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWordPod. Because Carlo put the graphic in. Haveawaredpod.com if you can't read.

Get on me. We're back. Oh, what a gentleman. Can you bape on demand? Oh, no. I can't. I don't want to either. I'd like to add,

you guys both have sodas in front of you. I have no soda. Well, is it like a performance announcement? Oh, there he is. Wow. Wow. Sexy. Oh, that's for the ladies in Belarus.

Nowhere else. Yeah. Did that happen at the 44 second mark? Is there any country I think I know what they've been turning off Is there any country in the world Where like Being a fat belching sweaty man

Like me Is like seen as attractive Hawaii Belarus Any country Hawaii Well they're you know Not a country

They're acclaimed culture aren aren't they, really? Well, they signed up. They belong to Cuba. No, they signed up to America, though, because Hawaii wanted to be part of Canada first. And we had a really crazy prime minister who loved railroads. And his big thing was to get a railroad built across Canada,

Hawaii sent him a letter saying, we kind of like the look of you, Canada. Can we join you? And he's like, do you have any railroads? No, we don't. Well, fuck off then! And that's when Hawaii joined America. Okay.

Right. But I mean, yeah. They're very... It's an American state, isn't it? Hawaii. No, but the island very, it's an American state, isn't it? Hawaii. No, but the Islanders, it's an ancient civilization. I mean, Captain Cook, they ate him. They didn't apply to be part of him.

Do you know what happened with Captain Cook? No. I'm sick of fucking comedians coming on and asking me that question. So you still haven't looked into it? and asking me that question. So you still haven't looked into it. He showed up to Hawaii on his way to Alaska and the Hawaiians revered him as a god and thought he was really cool

because it matched a prophecy in their culture. And then they hung out there fixing their ship for about two weeks and uh kind of just about out wore their welcome god just about but they fixed it they fucked off went to alaska came back and um oh no when they were coming back to you, that's when their ship broke. So they had to stop again at Hawaii. And they were like, oh, fuck, God's back. And they were really like, they'd really had a belly full of them last time. Like his crew were being quite massive penises to the fucking locals. And they finally, one night of having God back in the house,

they just fucking went mental and ate him. Just like, this is it. You fucking, there's a last straw. Tonight we eat God. They ate God. Go Adam. I know what you're going to say. Is this the same Captain Cook from Peter Pan?

The one with the crocodile with the alarm clock on his belly? Captain Cook or Hook? Oh. Yeah, do you know that Robin Williams film isn't Cook? It's Hook. Cook would be a better one. Cook. Yeah.

I'd rather watch that. Could you concentrate on any of that story? I saw it. Because you had Peter Pan in your head. I was wondering what was going on.

It went into my head and I saw it going into his head. I bet you. I'd have heard none of that. Like, I don't know who's eating who, but. I bet you he's got

the story in there, but Peter Pan's in the story. So Peter Pan came down. And then Tinkerbell. Isn't Peter Pan's in the story so Peter Pan came down and then Tinkerbell isn't Peter Pan dead what's the theory that he's dead because he's always young

no he's Peter Pan and he pretends to be young he uses anti-aging thanks for trying to educate us but it's not welcome here

so the name Wendy was invented in the film Peter Pan or the book sorry yep it went on to be a well-known burger drink got some questions But it's not welcome here So the name Wendy Was invented in the film Peter Pan Or the book sorry Yep It went on to be A well known Beg a drink

Got some questions That's true though Fuck you That was factual For once So Wendy At the Like one of the

First person who read Peter Pan Like they're just It was one of the Characters names Snarf flaps Yeah they all had made up names

and they just okay just Wendy you can have one that's made up Mr. Sneaky change that to Peter Pan we've got a film question from Harry Robinson

oh you know it's happening it's not sure if you've seen or heard about the film House of Gucci but the big thing being talked about We've got a film question from Harry Robinson. Oh, you know it. Oh, that cunt. It's not sure if you've seen or heard about the film House of Gucci, but the big thing being talked about regarding it is the fact that Jared Leto is doing an Italian accent so over the top and stereotypical that he may as well be on the Havre Word sofa. The fella sounded like Chef Luigi Risotto from The Simpsons. If you could make one film character from any film

do an over the top madly offensive accent what film character would it be and what accent are they speaking with all the best

Harry Robbo Denzel Washington in training day Chinese and that would go your bath time chicken and palak ka bai support that And that would go... Your baffa is checking in. Pala, come back.

Shut up, Pogba. 23-hour lockdown. Shut up, Pogba. What was he saying? I can't go on English. You won't go down. You won't go home. I love it how we went Chinese first because he knows my name

that's all fictional does he look like a bitch no do you think he's my friend because he knows my name oh yeah Schindler's List and all the prisoners talk like Oompa Loompas you don't have to add the music

that's not a chocolate factory that was good but it was good The girl with the orange skin Oh god Oh Harry That was such a naughty one Would you like to do some

Advice Adam? Would you like to I some advice, Adam? Would you like to get... I'm trying to push this new section, Glenn, where people ask for advice. From me. Specifically from me. Obviously, you can help, but Adam is so good at being an agony ant.

It's called Agony Adam, and we're looking for some theme music for it. Agony Adam is here to to help he's got answers to all your problems including you could just kill yourself let's not use that one let's not use that one because uh Carl talked over the start of it and then you said you could kill yourself at the end of it that is a solution to literally every problem yeah it is good good suicide rates going on yeah yeah I'm not advising it yeah but it does solve every problem volunteering for the samaritans is a ball like you don't want to do it so just take yourself

out of the running if you're making the music by the way can you make a copyright free please so we can use it in the episode give him a clean we've already got we've already got a singing version let's have a what have you got agony adam rolling down the wing agony he advised king uh kerry mcwitch what dear agony, my work is looking for staff to go... Kerry McWitch. Dear Agony Aaron, dear Agony Aaron, fuck you now. My work is looking for staff to go back to work and in the office in January,

but my work colleagues talk the biggest pile of shite and it fries my head. What are some funny ways to ensure I'm left out of the what are you having for tea tonight and Wednesday, halfway there, guys, monotonous drivel conversation so kerry is being forced back into the office in january which is a bit of a fucking maverick move by that company like well the infection rate's up so get the fuck back in

um and she doesn't want to do the office chit chat um don't brush your teeth for a week nice bad breath and constantly be eating watsits and talk with your mouth open wow yeah that's nice on top of the thing is

Kerry I just blah blah blah no one wanna talk to you ever again nice or break the law

and then get house arrest you can't leave it off alright cool so you're not even she's not like Kerry just wants to avoid conversation yeah Or break the law and then get house arrest. You can't leave it off. All right, cool. So you're not even, she's not like, Kerry just wants to avoid conversation. Yeah. You're getting a house arrest, which doesn't exist in this country, basically.

Just be disgusting. Darth Vader helmet. Just say it's COVID related. And say nothing else. COVID related. Just have a desk fan pointed constantly at your minge and just be like,

warm down there. People will think you're weird. HR, I've never worked in an office proper, but I think HR are getting involved if you've got a fanny fan. Why? Try telling jokes.

What rule has she actually broken? I don't know. There's no rule in here, a contract that says do not cool your fanny down. That way. It'd be a long contract if they covered every base like that. Go on, Glenn.

Like maybe jokes that don't make sense and then laugh really fucking hard. Like how many Smurfs does it take to drive a manual transition? Four! Four! There you go. Count them with me! All the other girls in the office are like,

Hey, little blue fuckers. Her jokes don't even make sense. Combine them all that we've just said. Just dead weird. No, no, brush your teeth. Watch it. Tell those jokes while you're cooling your fanny down. I swear to God,

if I have to smell their minge one more time because of that fucking fan. Dirty, what's it eating, bitch? She sounds like, get sacked. Isn't it really? What's she done wrong? No. What?

Sackable offence. If anything, good. She'll sue them for unfair dismissal. She'll be a millionaire. Millionaire. Millionaire. Adam's knowledge of the working world. You sue for dismissal,

you're a millionaire. I am allowed to eat what's-it-badly and air my fanny. How dare you? I think it'd be great if that joke came up in a work tribunal. Explain it again. Like a seven-person panel, one of them just like, oh, fuck yeah!

I get it, boy! Oh, it's so easy. Go on. Pooh in some type of way. Come on. Just leave it on your desk. So easy. Just leave it's so easy. Go on. Poo in some type of way. Come on. Just leave it on your desk. So easy. Just leave it on your desk.

I think there must be. Someone comes over, it's like, what's that? It's black hard, I know. But it's mine. How about a decaying turtle in a peanut butter jar? Nice.

I'm with Glenn. Easy. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can... Don't kill a turtle, find the dead one. one Yeah it's easy enough Hang around by my house There's a fucking lot of them

Yeah but add to the menagerie Every week Like one of your own shit A decaying turtle Whatever Whatever Skin squirrel Yeah yeah yeah

Just keep Yeah yeah Something And then And then Then as the dead animal thing grows, slowly they're in costume. Like Civil War costumer.

That's how I found them. Isn't this your biggest nightmare, Rich? The small talk jokes in jobs like that. Yeah. Every time I hear someone in like Asden or tesco have a joke with their colleague and they both laugh at something that neither of them find funny it makes me like touch the ground and pray to allah for keeping stand up in my life you know when someone's like because he's the god of stand where are you off to and they're like i'm always on your break you and they go i'm like neither of you found that

funny neither of you that was dull as fuck and you're both having to do a shit little play on the bread aisle of asda because that's what your life is ah i think too it makes me sad when i hear people laugh at stuff they don't find funny my problem is uh i just don't hear very well anymore so whatever you've told me if i haven't understood it i'll just yeah you know that's the way it goes i just didn't fucking hear you and that's when my sister-in-law died Yeah Hardly working And she found a lump

No I heard the part about the lump That was genuinely funny Yeah just make it like Very inconvenient to talk to you bad breath what's it's funny fun yeah i think you asked the right people there one more of the agony adams question here for agony adam last night the pub me and some mates were watching the footy i had to ring the missus about something but my phone had died so i asked to borrow a mate's mobile he told me the passcode and then i stepped outside to the smoking area to make the call as inside the pub was noisy when i opened my mate's

phone there was a video open and playing of said friends sucking quite frankly the biggest venious dick i have ever seen even by porn hub standards this was an absolute chopper he's just he's just proposed to his very female wife and has two kids with her. Proposed to his female wife? That's interesting. Yeah. Proposed to his wife. Okay, girlfriend. It must be girlfriend.

He's written wife. I just literally read that as it came out. We'll not edit that out because it's just proof that if you write something in, I will read it out verbatim like Ron Burgundy. My name's Dan Nightingale and I like black dicks as well um he just proposed to his very female girlfriend and has two kids with it do i ask my

mate about the video and his predilection for big veiny cocks or just leave him to be a uh smoker of the pipe with the face i'll keep you posted on the outcome. Keep up the classwork. Go, Ed. Okay, first of all, right, who is in the pub with their mates and the last thing they've looked at on their phone is a video of themselves sucking someone off? Like, you just... Oh, you want to borrow this? Adam, when do you watch the videos of yourself sucking people off?

Well, you do that. That would be private time, wouldn't it? That would be private Adam time. I don't know. I don't have any, but you seem to have a system. There would have to be no one I know in the same building asking for me to watch my own suck on men off video. What if it's a boring nil-nil game and you're like,

oh, I know what's more entertaining than this, me sucking that dude off? Yeah, yeah. nil-nil game and you're like oh i know what's more entertaining than this me sucking that dude off yeah yeah i'm just trying to put my mind my like in the here's what i think happened he doesn't like doing it but he is uh infertile so this is the way he's been getting the uh potent semen to impregnate his wife twice before. Yeah. So he gets a mouthful. He's stealing fuel. He gets a, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. That's what he's doing. He's siphoning it, dude. This guy didn't even know he's got two kids because fucking the pink panther over here. Oh, no. You got to go home and go, honey, lie down. I've got an idea.

I love how in your head he hasn't like put that into a cup to carry home with he's gone all the way home with it in his mouth like a jizz hamster that's what he's doing that's what that is what he's doing are you calling bullshit on this on this no I believe it I just don't I think it's ridiculous that he left that open

like be better at x-ing off your private stuff but I think he wants to get caught do you reckon well yeah like you say

it's it's almost ridiculous that you would be like might be an invitation you're all you're all stood watching a game just try and imagine it you're invitation. You're all stood watching a game.

Just try and imagine it. You're in the pub. You're stood watching a game. He's like, I know. Can I borrow your phone? I know. I'll put me dick-sucking video up and wait for one of the lad's phones to die.

I bet you. That's what I'll do to out myself as a cock goblet. So has he just had the video on his phone and he's just been watching it before he got there or something? Probably. Hasn't... Right. Yeah. You know, and he's just been watching it before he got there or something hasn't... Right. Yeah. You know and here's the thing

she probably knows but she gets the benefit of being married to a gay man which would be fucking wonderful. Do you know how nice they are? They're clean. Not all of them. They cook well. Not all of them. Some of them roll in mud.

That's not mud. You are gullible, sir. In all seriousness I think you know maybe she's just open minded and they've got a fine relationship and if that guy wants to suck on dicks I think you've got to talk to your mate

just so you know when you had me phone you the other night there was a video there of you sucking the man off I'm just wondering is that something you like doing can I have a go where's the line up for this are you definitely straight you've just proposed and was it any good is that something you like doing? Can I have a go? Is that something you like doing? Are you definitely straight? You've just proposed and was it any good?

Right. Do you think that might, yeah, quite an intense conversation you're starting up with your mate, isn't it? Lads, few bullet points.

Are you gay? What does it taste like? When are you meeting him again? Can I get a postcode? Would you add to him? If you borrow Dan's phone, because Dan is a man with a wife and two children who loves sucking what yeah and there was a video of dan quite clearly sucking a man's willy yeah would you do that yeah would you go dan i found this video yeah i'd wait till you use it all got off or weren't here meeting

i'm like dan just have a quick chat and role player okay um all right mate you've asked everyone to fuck off early you don't you let me your phone the other day yeah the last thing on your phone when i opened it was you sucking a massive cock oh was it yeah all right you saw that did you i did i'm just wondering did you mean for me to see it no no no that's my yeah i didn't realize it was still playing is this something you enjoy doing are you are you experimenting with homo erotic fantasies see why this role play doesn't work is i haven't had a blowjob video played on my phone yet yet um yeah i i i know i don't't like you know what I mean like

so why were you doing it it's a great question isn't it can we do the role play the other way round can do sure right great cool I feel like that would be more fun

Adam I know we've asked everyone to leave yep I know you're I just used your phone right don't leave that cocksuck video on I'm so glad you brought it up I'm so glad you brought it up

I'm so glad you brought it up was that you sucking a cock? yeah oh it was? yep oh can I ask you just a few bullet points

was that you? yeah it was me do you enjoy doing that? I enjoyed that time but I don't want to do it again that was the one time yeah so you're not gay you were just experimenting it's like flying business class but I don't want to do it again. That was the one time? Yeah. So you're not gay, you were just experimenting?

It's like flying business class, isn't it? You want to do it once in your life. And third question, how did you convince Carl to do it with you? It wasn't Carl. Oh, was it not? It was someone wearing a Carl mask. Good. That well-known Carl mask.

Yeah. Right. Even in role plays, that's not going to fly that time. And did they finish? What? What? Did he finish? I think you heard.

Oh, did the guy was sucking off yeah yeah yeah but not on me no no where did you aim it he just come on a pillow right yeah come on a pillow and then rubbed it on his own face that's what he's into he's into it and you thought this gay life's not for me it's not the gay life definitely isn't for me i quite like to actually cohabit with a man um I just don't want to be sucking dicks. What I've realized is I want to live with men and spend time with men, but I want to still smash puss once or twice a week.

Thursdays at nine would be good. Well, now you've tried it, so now you know. Yeah. Well, I'm glad we've had this meeting. Let's never, ever have one again like this. Okay. God bless. Let me know if you ever want to try it.

Could you pass me that pillow? John's game for anything. Cheers. If you want to stop sucking his cock just marry him love you babe would you try cock it's a lot of left uh would you ever just give it a go like lord has gone she's left yeah because, you know. She's just watched these last four minutes of podcasting. No, she's left you because you didn't pay the gas bill

and she couldn't have a bath and it really annoyed her. So she left. Talk to kids with her and you're like, what am I going to do with my life? And then this guy knocks on the door and is like, hiya, mate. I've had my eye on you for a while. I've seen your wife's just left you.

And that's all it takes to get me. it's just someone paying me attention when i'm feeling lonely listen so he just goes look i'm just letting you know i'm actually a gay man myself people often don't think i'm gay because i'm like you know i go against all stereotypes i do the lawnmower i've trimmed my edges don't i mean i do man stuff i've got a car a fucking big one i've got a car traditionally gay camp people have cars i play golf twice a week manly having a car play golf twice a week oh you big lad yeah yeah yeah i'm dirty i like a roll in mud do you know what i mean right some of us are like that and it is mud by the way I'm just letting you know whenever you get over

this woman if you ever feel like you know trying something a bit different I'd love to have you have a little suck on my dick right or

I'll even suck yours whichever you want yeah offers there right if you want it cool so he goes away

he's not forcing anything on you he's not saying let's do it now no he's just planted the seed in your mind wow I could suck a cock or have my cock sucked by another man do you think at some point i just think who's gonna who's gonna opt for i want to suck their cock if it's if a blowjob's

on the table then i mean that's one thing but yeah that's the starter move isn't it that's that's the introductory offer to get you into the game oh no Adam's idea of a gay experience is literally getting gang banged at pride well I've never even kissed a man but if I'm going to do it I'll get the old rubbers on

in for the penny in for the pound have you ever had a gay experience that was fantastic in for a penny in for a pound nice how much did you pay

at those prices how could you not would you try Koch on heroin what do you know this is I don't think I'd be totally against it if you would

if it really came to your face you would walk away I would walk away I'd stand up I'd be totally against it if you would ever really accidentally the gay special i would walk away i'm stood up that's all see if he's that tall you might not have a choice no he's on a step like the portland christmas decorations yeah so what's that flirting. Unless it's mistletoe. It's a very heavy episode. I love it that you were like, hi, I know your wife's left here,

but I play golf twice a week. Don't shut my dick. I can't be like, oh, fuck. I'm not a member of any clubs. Now I could be the member of two. I've got plus one. Get anyone a game? Yeah.

I don't think that makes you not gay, though, does it? Some circles. I was just trying to think of stereotypical straight man stuff. Straight cisgendered white men. Golf and lawnmowers. No. Lawnmowers, yeah, yeah. I want to go stereotypically camp Twinkie gay if I'm trying it. Yeah, but you'd just pretend that he was a girl.

I know that trick. Yeah, I want to cheat. Adam's first foray into the gay life, in for a penny, in for a pound, and he's literally like, fucking who? Brock Lesnar. I'm all right. I'd like a...

Honestly, I would like a... You know how they talk about weed as a gateway drug? I want a little gay guy called Sebastian. Who's that? I'd like Brock Lesnar. I would watch that. More like Brian Conley. Brock Lesnar in the octagon.

And that's... No, Brian Conley in LC Studios studios it's just that's the way that whoever wins pins the other man cock and mouth yeah yeah that's how you lose that wrestling match that is ollie mays that's higher now you're now you're coming back to me from brock lesnar to ollie mays one man's story. That's the next factor I'd watch as well. I used to be Brock Lesnar,

but I like singing now. It's fun to find things out about Adam, isn't it? No, I was here, yeah. No, I just, I would be open to it, I think, if I got to a point in my life. What a load of shit. What a load of shit. Brock Lesnar. What's happening? Want to play golf?

With my dick in your mouth. Fuck. Yeah. I just call it golf. We got a speaking code down at the UFC, you know, not everybody's Open minded So if you ever Get invited to a foursome

Don't bring your clubs Holy shit Imagine turning up To a gangbang With your golf clubs Yeah People are like Yeah okay

I'll give it a try What are these for Four balls We got anything else We got anything else? We've got some have a words. Have a word. Anonymous, please.

Wag wag. I think my missus is the least confident driver on the planet. Won't drive anywhere she's unfamiliar with. Hasn't been on the motorway and won't talk to me whatsoever while she drives. She passed the test in July and got a car a few weeks later so she's been driving for a few months now not sure who you need

to have a word with here am I just being too pussy or is she just being a quag and needs to crack on cheers Lids she's one of the most

annoying people in the world it's also so dangerous a non-confident shit trap like someone who comes on a motorway slip road doing like 35 miles an hour. Honestly, they should have the license taken off them

and they should actually be thrown in jail for a bit. Yeah, or when they stop on the slip road because it wasn't perfect. There was one car off in the distance just breaking through the sun. But yeah, I can't go now. I got to wait for this to... So, so annoying.

Non-confident drivers. People who you sat behind a roundabout and you could literally get like fucking seven cars out and they're like, but I need to make sure. Honestly,

they shouldn't be allowed to drive. Yeah, but are they as bad as the absolute fucking idiots who do 108 miles an hour and just like... They're very similar. They're both as dangerous as each other, idiots who do 108 miles an hour and just, like, swerve? They're very similar. They're both as dangerous as each other, but one of them's unavoidable, really, if you're not confident.

You cannot be a dickhead. You can't just be confident, can you? There's one caveat to this. It's okay to be a non-confident driver if you've just woken up and you're not sure you're on the correct side of the road which happened as a north american a couple of times i'm like okay which side is it it's like sometimes it's just or if you're tired it's like a leap of faith you're going on like

must be it feels like this it is why are we dicks about the side of the road that we drive on isn't the rest of the world like the other side we invented them mostly yeah

invent the car did you no but invent the road the Romans invented roads didn't they I've seen one yeah but that's not

what's happening in your head the roads don't yeah we invented them the Romans invented roads the roads don't I'm a Roman Catholic them. The Romans invented roads. The roads don't dig deep. Oh my God, you're such a fucking retard. What? What?

You think you're Roman? Yeah. You look a bit Roman. What? Of course I'm Roman. What's just... What? Where have you just jumped to in your head?

We drive on the left side of the road in the UK, so the rest of the world drives on the right, and you're like we invented roads we did the romans i'm a roman catholic the italians who drive on the other side of the road romans aren't just italians though are they they went everywhere the role they were roaming the roaming catholics oh the roaming catholics that sounds like a football team. Like one of those ones that there's fucking nine versions of them just spotted up the country. Hurt my mind. What do you mean?

Romans built loads of England, didn't they? They didn't invent the road, though. What are you talking about? You live in Chester? You've got that little amphitheater thing? But they're not even English. They're not Roman. We're not Roman. We're not...

Like, they left. They all fucked off. All of them. Oh, my God. They left a few. The road makers. Yeah, we invented the roads. The Romans.

I'm a Roman Catholic. I roam. When I go on holiday, I have roaming data. The roads... Make sense? The roads don't decide which side we drive on.

Like, they don't go oh get on get on the other fucking side it's painful when you go that way it's a Vietnam way they changed the side the

king or whatever is that what the war was about so the so the bus the Americans were like don't you dare no the buses have the doors on the side

to get out now people get out into the middle of the road because they changed the side that they drive on, but obviously couldn't just make loads of new buses. I think it's Vietnam anyway. The States and Canada, you drive on the right. Yeah.

Europe, drive on the right. In Rome, just not trying to annoy you, they drive on the right. Left is Australia. Hong Kong, I believe. There's one Asian country that, yeah, just oddly. Japan drives on the left. It's Japan.

I remember thinking. Oh, yeah, you can get Japanese import cars over here, can't you? So UK, Ireland, Malta, Cyprus, New Zealand, South Africa, Australia and Japan. So, yeah, British colonies. There is that. I don't know if you've ever rented a car abroad where you just feel special for the first few miles. You could have driven for years and years,

thousands of road miles as a comic, and then all of a sudden we rented a car in Italy to drive to the fucking villa that we'd rented and you're like it just feels so fucking alien and you're trying to drive out of rome where they're all insane i'm sorry to offend you hey i know you're roman he's allowed to say it that's it's his word no it goes, Julius Caesar, my da, me. No Roman Catholic? Fact.

He believes that as well, and no, he doesn't. Sorry, so it goes, Julius Caesar, my da, Francesco Totti, me.

Probably. Something like that. You know what the reason it is, though? It's to do with the sword hand. Is it jousting, yeah? Yeah, yeah. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so it was so a passing on a road you it was harder to you fall fast hit somebody with the sword it's back to the horse days what is that true yeah yeah and it's the same in the in the lords isn't it that the distance is longer than a sword so you also l House of Lords. And the commons as well. Commons.

You, so in this country, you drove, I don't get it. Yeah, and just, you know, if you were going to do that,

just get a longer sword. Yeah. You know, if that was your thing, you could just, you know, there was no standard size. You just,

you poke them with whatever. Wow. Wow. Fucking live and learn. It's been a history on the gay episodes. standard size you just poke them with whatever so wow wow fucking live and learn it's been a history and a gay episode yeah yeah none of the gay history

was gistory that's what we'll call me book club gistory gay history with Adam Rowe with Brock Lesnar

he's reached his off sid line today you know great that's what we want into the new year shall we happy new year

to any of the pubes watching are we done look at that oh thank god it'll be new year for everybody not until Saturday

oh yeah happy new year to everyone happy new year happy new year Glenn it's been a pleasure to have you, mate. It's been great to be here. Thank you very much for coming up for it.

GlennWool.com for his tour dates. Also, at GlennWool on Twitter. And obviously, me and Dan are on tour as well. AdamRowe.co.uk forward slash shows. DanNightingale.com. That's when we find out all of our tours are the exact same dates in the exact same city I like it

let's open up I'm playing Saskatchewan which I can't even say oh can we do that I'd love to do some gigs in Canada and go and do the North

Northwest Territories how do you sis I'd love that I know you've got a tour where you're meant to tour, but I'd love a road trip where you, me, try to go and fucking... You and Finn are going to have so much fun. Right, right, yeah, yeah.

Guess what? Pick me up in Sorghal. We're going to Saskatchewan. Do you think it'd work? We'd be all right. Oh, yeah, yeah. Same language. Don't be married to the side of the road you like to drive on.

Okay. That'll become very apparent very quickly. Open with my swan bit. Adjust. Yeah. Yeah, you can mention swans. Open eating a swan. Fuck.

Rebel. Right. Thanks, Clem. Me gone. Got that.