Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #154 with K*nt and the Gang - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 10, 2022

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Go, Ed. Get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast brought to you by Manscaped.com. Yeah, Barry, we've got a proper fucking sponsor. They're still hanging in as sponsor. Hanging in? They're fucking driving it home. Oh, right. Oh, they were taking us out,

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and sort your pubes out. How are you for general pub maintenance, Baz? I told you the last time when I was on here, as a guest, that's... That was ages ago. It was ages ago. If they've... I've forgotten it. That's all that counts. I've only just... I think...

I'm not even sure I've caught up with me yet in my... Because of... In case you don't know, I listen to everything in order. Because he does everything in order. I've been on your Patreon. I think I was one of your day one Patreons. I've never heard a Patreon exclusive yet because I've got to finish the normal ones in order. Then I can go to the start.

You've really fucked that up. Yeah. You need to slide them in you you've that up you've you you think you're doing an order and you've actually actually got yourself out of sequence oh don't say that because i'll have to start no because because you're gonna catch up publicly and then time travel to may 2020 yeah for the patrons but we talk about public shit in it because it it's weekly isn't it you you're organized and ocd enough that you could have worked that out and slid that in should have yeah i should have got it all in set uh it's been a disaster i might just

i might just have to sack it all barry's i might just knock it on the end what's the other one what's number two at the minute James Acaster I'll start listening to him go fuck yourself by the way James we'd love to have you on and number two's not bad

is he just not number one he's doing alright isn't he so thanks to everyone who voted for us in the pod bible awards that was a very

nice win yeah just just an amazing shout to all of the lids and all of the fucking ultras. Yes. Every time an award was announced on the Podbible Twitter thread, it was like, well done to James Acaster, who's won the best music one.

Seven likes, one retweet. Well done to, I don't know, just all of the other winners. And there's some decent podcasts. Podcasts you know and probably excellent podcasts with a decent fan base and as soon as we won ours 370 likes 50 fucking retweets

because our lot are like there's so much more involved thank you for voting and it's a really nice win that, I wish adam was here to uh fucking get aggressively happy with it like well i'm i'm i'm very happy for you i saw it yesterday and i was i was absolutely over the moon because i know how rabid your fan base is and i don't know if i'm like drugs i don't know if i'm jumping the gun a little bit in talking about this.

We may talk about it later, but there was something that happened just before Christmas. I did a tweet. Oh. I did a tweet. Now, for some people may not, I'm a very, very big fan of Cunt and the Gang. Yeah, are you listening to him in order?

I did. I honestly did listen to his act. I started with the Crying and Wanking trilogy and worked my way all the way up to the top. Has he got something called the Crying and Wanking trilogy? I already love this guy. Now, I'm a very, very big fan of his, and he obviously had an assault.

He did his second year assault on the chart because last year, sorry, the year before now, he did Boris Johnson as a fucking cunt and then tried to get it to number one, got it to number five, and then suddenly announced to the fans, you know what, we're going to try again in 2021. And everyone went, yes, let's do it.

Let's really do it properly this time. Let's really go for it. So, of course, it happened. Now, yes, let's do it. Let's really do it properly this time. Let's really go for it. So, of course, it happened. Now, unfortunately, it turned out that some of my close associates in this room also, hello, also decided out of nowhere to do an in-joke and try and get it to Christmas number one. and through a combination of some weird betting patterns and Adam's cocaine-like confidence for a man who basically hasn't ever done drugs. My God, he just functions on this weird like, do you know what? We're doing it.

I'm fucking going number one, lad. And the betting was the thing that made me go, oh God, we are going to do this. Well, that first day on iTunes as well, when we were third, fourth and fifth. And I genuinely saw Cunt and the Gang as an enemy at first. I was like, ah, you've had yours. Don't do it again.

It's pretty obvious. Why not do an in-joke that no one understands and a journalist from the BBC will be snippy about. But actually when you reread it, you're like, yeah, I kind of see what you mean. And then you tweeted about... Come on, just as we'd launched our like... it about but actually when you reread it you're like yeah i kind of see what you mean um and uh and then you tweeted about come on just as we launched our like guess what we're doing and it was the same day barry i i did a tweet saying come on everyone get behind cunt of the gang let's get

cunt of the board my i mean r.i.p notifications because i got a because I got a lot of your fans. The word rat appeared a lot on my timeline. But that doesn't count the same as in real life, you know. Like, I remember the first time I heard that Paul Smith bit about when he called his missus a rat, right? And it made me go, oh, that's some salty shit. And then it became sort of part

of the Northwest comedy vernacular almost, didn't it? Because a lot of, like Danny Mac was calling people rats. Adam and I started calling people rats. We've used it so much on this podcast that calling someone a rat is just basically a callback now. It's almost part of our language. I use it in real life sometimes like oh yeah they're a rat and i see like so i've said it like about someone that we were slagging off or like bitching about

and my sister's gone oh oh because you're like oh yeah call it someone a rat call it muggles go oh that's quite aggressive and you're like well if you're part of our podcast world that is airy fucking day well the problem is is that because of the stuff i did with the parapod and i was obviously you know appearing on this and being made so you know i was plugging this as much as i could so there's a crossover of fans so I had people who were part of the parapod who now are part of this who were getting in touch with me going yeah you've dropped the ball there lads and it's like oh no they know you're part of the family yeah they know it was because I started it I saw it I think I like fucking Adam did it as well we all did it we're all like come on but if it it like honestly if

you weren't one of ours i think i'd just quietly be pissed off like if it was one of them you know we haven't got a long shit list but there's a few names on the shit list if it was one of them yeah i wouldn't retweet i wouldn't do anything you'd just be like oh i'm just i'm just marking your name on the shit list in fucking sharpie now. You're going impermanent. But because it was you, and I know a lot like you and you're part of the team. The thing was, though, and I'm not having a go at anyone for this, by the way,

but there was a joke that was, because I was aware of it when I tweeted, and there was a follow-up joke going to be coming to that. So I tweeted about Cunsting, and then I was going to leave it until the night time and then i was going to do a one for yours and for your one i was going to i had a little picture made which which said do you want to vote for a song that hates a tory and then a picture and said would you would you want to buy a song that sang by a to, right? To slam you.

Lee isn't a Tory. My least... Dan. My least favourite fucking guy. I know how much it annoys you. There was a point a year ago when I was like, the nonce joke is getting a bit out of hand because I honestly was struggling to mention being a dad without Adam being like,

fucking hell, lads, you was a nonce! And you're like... Yeah, if Adam can't distinguish between the real world and how much we've done that joke so i basically said to adam and carl we need to put that in the bin for a bit because i mentioned something about etta and and adam was like fucking hell he was like he was reacting like i'm a sex offender you're like if you have lost the reality of that what what's everyone else doing and even recently the nonce joke has been coming back because it's still funny i still it is funny like like and i've been doing it for ages i literally walked around i like walked around

i was on the circuit for years saying i look like a danish sex offender had i've had a great time with that uh even nonce has made its way back but when i get called i know that's why i did it tori i was like it pisses me off i would honestly rather everyone was like yeah dan fucks kids i'll be like hey it's part of the banter dan votes tori i'm like oh that actually sort of like makes me feel a bit gippy and genuinely furious I don't I can't deal with it and also Adam calling me Tory is super harsh

like lads you're a fucking Tory your parents had two cars growing up fucking Tory that is Tory what did you have

a front fucking garden fucking Tory did you have a porch basically Jacob Rees-Mogg because I went skiing twice when I was a kid fucking Tory did you have a chip pan Basically, Jacob Rees-Mogg, because I went skiing twice when I was a kid.

Whoa. Fucking sorry. Did you have a chip pan? Yeah, of course we had a fucking chip pan. Did you have a porch? Yeah. Did you have a conservatory? No.

Okay, you're halfway there then. Yeah. But I'm a Lib Dem. Yeah. I take it. I take it. It's just brutal. You don't ever tweet the top. Like you you're my best mate you're literally my best mate not just in comedy you're actually one of my best

mates don't you come at me with that tory shit well thankfully everybody jumped on me before i got a chance to do to do it so i was like oh well I might just keep a little profile on Twitter for a bit and then it was all in good form everybody was changing their profile picture to the thing of

the Ghostbuster logo with Boris Johnson and to show support for the single and I was like might leave that were you on a Ghostbuster

from Harry Robinson your picture still aren't you say again the Ghostbuster of you yes, your picture still, aren't you? Say again? The Ghostbuster of you, Harry Drew. Oh my God. I love that. So we had a guest booked in today

and obviously COVID, although I think we all feel a little bit different about it. But in terms of people getting it and being out of commission, we've lost some guests. We've got family members that have got it at the moment

Adam's died of it so he's dead now oh you haven't mentioned that have you? Adam's dead oh yeah I just thought we because it's a comedy podcast

I didn't want to labour it you know whatever yeah but you've bounced back alright haven't you I'm sweet you had a bad morning yesterday didn't you

yesterday yeah yeah yeah I've got all the shoes I'm going to sell them off are we going to have the funeral at Pins? On the roof Pins We could probably buy Pins if we sell all of his fucking webs

You'd do his funeral as a patron exclusive I am not I'd do the post mortem As a fucking I'd cut him open This is just for £10 patrons. Liver. Oh, he thought he could fly the plane on the way to New York.

I'll have a go, lad. Yeah, I'd imagine that. Go into the Pacific, as he would call it. Go in the Pacific. What did he say, Lassie? Like, I don't know how. God, he's in New York, by the way. He's just on his fucking holly bobs. Yeah, he's in New York.

And having a great time. I'm so chuffed he's in New York, by the way. He's just on his fucking holly bobs. Yeah, he's in New York. And having a great time. I'm so chuffed he's gone. Right now, that sounds eggy, and it absolutely isn't, because I... All joking aside, the level of hatred we have for the Tories, it's like it spikes in Adam, doesn't it?

Yeah. And he... If he'd have had New York taken away from him by boris custard tits johnson the level of anger and upset i would have been he's a pro every time adam people ask me what it's like podding with adam sometimes behind the scenes it's mental trying to get him to do stuff he is basically admin he's good too so any sometimes maybe good sometimes maybe shit it's most of the time maybe it's basically he just coin flips whether he's gonna do but but every time he turns up all he tries to do is be funny and when you're gigging with someone or working with someone or podcasting with someone that's a fucking dream

he never misses an episode and he just turns up and he's funny however i wouldn't have enjoyed trying to get him in a hey let's have some fun if he got his birthday trip which includes his 30th birthday taken away from him it's uh it's amazing that he's got to go because i also want to hear the stories i can't wait for him to come back he's doing some american podcasts he's doing gigs in america i can't like he uh screenshotted his stage times for one of the comedy gigs he's doing at the weekend 10 to 2 in the morning he's doing 10 to 2 and they're like confirming it like see you there could you get there 15 minutes before your stage time you're're like, really? That's unbelievable.

I would have to just go to sleep and just set my alarm, and that would be me up for the morning. I can't wait for him to come back. Have you ever been- I'm so chuffed he got to go, though, not like all jokes. And I get to pod with you, which is a fucking touch. Have you ever been to a comedy club in New York? I've never been to New York. Have you not? No, I've been to a comedy club in New York? I've never been to New York. Have you not?

No, I've been to the States as a kid. And then my dad took us to California on this weird trip that didn't really work. And it was just a bit eggy with my step-mom. But yeah, I've never been to New York, which is the obvious one. I went once and it's all right. It's like, it's London bigger.

Yeah, it is amazing, though. It's not a holiday, though. Hang on. So New York's amazing. But are we talking about comedy clubs in New York? No, just New York in general was just a bit like, honestly, I'd go as far to say it's like Newcastle like Northumberland Street

bigger it is Northumberland Street but massive how big's the Primark New York Primark must be big what did you go for I went because I was going around looking at where

I was looking at where all my favorite horror films were made so i'd like dotted around america so i went to like washington to see whether made the exorcist then pittsburgh for dawn of the dead and new york for fucking everything because everything's made there but isn't that amazing for you the other ones were but i but I got to New York. I got fleeced within 30 seconds of being in New York. Somebody had my eyeballs out. Proper shafted. Go on. Well, I was staying in the hotel.

I'd love to see you with some New York grifter. Oh, where are you from? I'm from fucking Jarrah. That happened with Billy Crystal. What? I'll tell you that in a sec. So, it did on us.

Did Billy Crystal steal money off you? No, Billy Crystal asked if my accent was real. He thought I was putting it on.

Have you met Billy Crystal? Sorry? Have you met Billy Crystal? Just in New York. I didn't expect to do this, Barry.

Go on. What are you on about? do you want to see the photograph of me and Billy Crystal you just bumped into Billy Crystal yeah on my way to a comedy club right

honestly well he lives in New York and you think New York's shit that bit was alright but it was just like Northumberland Street in Newcastle

you can't even get down to the fucking five guys without, oh, Christ, it's fucking Billy Crystal again. How? When Harry fucked off, it'd be better. Because I did put up the picture. I tweeted the picture of me and Billy Crystal and it was Andre Vincent.

It slams me beautifully. He just put on... Brilliant comedian from the UK circuit. He said, it's Mr. Saturday Night Meets Available this Saturday. Which was a good slam. So, hang on. Before you get the eyeballs out,

which is a lovely turn of phrase. He had me fucking eyeballs out. Honestly. And I only got fucking $25 for the... It was pro level. But where did you see Billy Crystal? Just saw him on the street and went... On the street.

Oh, Billy! I was walking to this comedy club. Right. And I saw a big group of people. And whenever that happens, you're like, well, I need to see what's happening. You fucking lemming. I love it.

Oh, I do, honestly. It's a cue. Someone's been stabbed. Get the camera. So I went over and. Oh, it's a cue. Someone's been stabbed. Get a camera. So I went over and I said, what's going on here? And they said, Billy Crystal's about to come out. And I thought, I've got five minutes, so I'll just hang on. And Billy Crystal came out.

And I just went, Billy, can I have a photo? And he went, yeah. And I went, all right, hang on two seconds. We'll just put it on selfie. And he just went, is, can I have a photo? And he went, yeah. And I went, all right, hang on two seconds. We'll just put it on selfie. And he just went, is that a real accent? I went, oh, yeah, I'm from, do you know Gateshead? And he like, just looked, and I just quickly got the photograph. This bloke just like swooped him away from us.

I'll put it in the episode. Send me it later. I'll send you the picture. It's here now. Yeah, and then his security swept him away what was he coming out of

I don't know some theatre right what's going on here Barry someone's been run over

ah fucking mental let me just put it on selfie mode fucking another side of a horror added to the list. But yeah,

it was, yeah, it was, yeah, I was just not a fan of the place. So what happened with the fleecing? So I got into the hotel. The hotel was on Times Square

and came, just put all my stuff in. Not as amazing as you'd think. Times Square is a little rough. Yeah. I've heard it's a little bit fucking salty. Because that's where

everyone with the money is so there's a lot of homeless there's a lot of theft and what you'd expect. Yeah. It's a tourist trap. Basically. I ended up pissed

walking through Times Square and it was empty. It was really weird. It was like 4 in the morning and I was hammered because I managed to get talking to some bloke in an Irish bar and then like walked

across town, it was so surreal just seeing it empty because you've seen it on the films all busy but yeah it was just empty apart from one bloke just making hot dogs, really weird but when I got into the hotel before I am a hot dog, oh it really weird um but the hotel i came out within so got the taxi from the airport into the hotel bags in right let's go and see new york

right see what's going on i got out and this this guy came up to me now i'm i'll not do the accent right please do though no this is the place to do the accent. This is a safe place, Barry. Barry. Also, Barry's not good at accents, so this is so exciting. He was... Of? Origin?

American. What kind of American? He was an American. Now. Now. Come on. Now. I think we all know what you want.

You don't have to say it. Listen. Come on. He was selling CDs. Selling CDs! Right? American selling CDs. Any other distinguishing factors there, Barry?

Was he Billy Crystal? He was a rapper. He was a rapper, right? We stopped being subtle with that one, didn't we? He was a rapper. He's a black and and we stopped being subtle with that one didn't we he was a rapper he's a black lad go on and he had and he had you know gateshead it was he had all his cds and he saw me and he was he literally a rapper he was literally a rapper he was selling the cds if because i could see it was him on the cover of the cds that he was selling no no this wasn't 4am this is in the afternoon this is in the afternoon hot dog and my first album no he was just that and he just looked at me and he just

went he went you look like a man who knows your hip-hop right well he's fucking got you down to a t there and i was apart from you've seen Erasure every year for the last 17. Apart from that, he's banging into his hip hop. Go on. And I was so flattered. I said yes. It was like... He's had your eyeballs out there, mate.

He's paid you a very loose compliment. Oh, jeez. I didn't mean to suck him off, but honestly, it's just they've got such a way with words. He just said, you look like a man who knows your hip hop. And I said, yes. And he went, I'm dropping my new album. And I went, oh, brilliant.

And he went, what's your name? And I went, Barry. And he instantly got a sharpie out of his pocket and one of the CDs and wrote to Barry and signed it. And he went, it's only $20. And I was like, oh. Because he'd written on it by then. And it was like the social pressure.

And I was like, oh, yeah. The social pressure of a fucking rapper you've never met. I don't want my name, my good name, being tarnished in the New York borderline homeless hip-hop community. I won't have it. But yeah. How many barrows do you meet? Do you think I'll be able to resell?

No. Okay, there's your $20. That was the thing. I was like, oh, the lad's ruined a cd now unless i buy this so i got done for 20 before i'd even i hadn't even got on to times square i was outside the hotel it's not the grifter of the century is it like it's not the hustle well it worked i know but i thought you i was like waiting for some sort of like trickery he's just gone i've signed that now bye oh fucking social pressure here's 20 i didn't want to say no here's another five for ink and he had he had a load of mates

as well and i was like oh now now it sounds different there's loads of them all signing shit here's my bus ticket motherfucker what's your name barry that's a receipt from walmart i'm gonna need that expense that motherfucker you don't want me slagging you off not in our community so that was about three steps from the hotel have you ever listened to it no have you still got it i can't remember it turned out to be Dr. Dre all those years later I've either still got it or I threw it in the bin I can't remember

come on man you've got a lot of stuff I'm surprised you don't know where that is just bring that bit I'm sorry I'm surprised you don't know where that is

it's a shame I'd love to play this episode out with a bit of a bit of what is what was his name? I can't remember and then

I got shafted in an all you can eat buffet because I thought they were joking I thought they were like taking the piss like the British do because I went in and it was like you look like your bog standard buffet. And I said, how much is it?

And they went, you pay by the weight. And I went, all right, okay. And I went in and did what I normally do, which is just all the high value items. You know, you don't, rice, no, noodles, no, prawn crackers, no, no, no, high value items and then got and then like all the meat basically basically just a plate of meat and then honestly i got to the till and the bloke weighed it and he went that's 40 i was like you i've had 40 for a plate

of meat so it's probably in new york a full plate of meat at $40 isn't ridiculous but you're used to the British like oh you pay this set amount £9 and then you just try and yeah every time someone goes to an all you eat buffet you're aiming to put them out of business

aren't you yeah like in your head you're like right this is a challenge I want to make this a day where you lose money you cunts and you potentially give yourself long-term gastric problems to prove the point of how dare you challenge me

to get value out of a 10, 12 pound all-you-can-eat buffet. I even have the ice cream at them, and I'm lactose intolerant. I'm physically ill afterwards, but I know that it's a high-value item. That's amazing. I just can't. I just don't want to amazing I just can't I just don't want to lose I can't eat

that's what you don't want to lose that's Adam honestly you've replaced Adam very well I can't eat shellfish

scum dark Barry if you had crab it's scum value high value massive welts and growth

fuck him I got fucked on Times Square as well I went to TGI Fridays on Times Square after Broadway it was late it was like 2am

and erm in New York tipping's mad isn't it you've got to tip I didn't understand it you've got to you've got to select how much at the bottom

what do you mean what do you mean you don't understand it it's just it's insane it's not the bill why am I giving you money well do you mean you don't understand it? It's just... It's insane. It's not the bill. Why am I giving you money? Well, yeah, it's just...

You understand tipping, though. I'd rather they just wrote it down because why put me in a socially awkward situation? I've already been in one of them with a rapper. So why...

You can have two coffees and no albums. Thank you. I've signed the mug, Han. I probably would have bought it so what happened so you you picked the amount of tip

but this so I'll tip everywhere I'm gonna ask but this woman was actively it was like she was trying not to get a tip she was awful the food was late

she was rude everything you could possibly imagine from a bad service which is the opposite of what you expect in the States isn't it absolutely yeah and I don't know her situation maybe she had a bad day but i was like i'm not gonna tip

because she actively hasn't earned it she's done the opposite so put the money down we stood up to leave and she stood in front of me and counted the money you haven't tipped i was like i know unfortunately i didn't think you'd like you, you deserved it, kind of thing. She went, well, you're not leaving unless you tip me. I was like, well, I don't have to tip you. She went,

you do. I was like, well, I'm in Times Square at 2am. I don't belong here. I'm just going to tip her and leave. So I gave her the money and she stepped aside

and walked out. How much did you give her? 10%? Whatever, like 15%, whatever it was you had to give. Well, that is,

yeah, that's one of them when you you like i don't know call the boys or whatever and i'm fucking dead outside because i haven't given 20 because she was a rapper as well she was of the rapper community really yeah wow when we were on that california trip and i might have mentioned this way back in the day when this first came up on the podcast um we were in lake tahoe and we went to a denny's and denny's is basically like little chef in america is that he's in japan right that they're sort of like i don't know if you've seen theo von's special on netflix but he spends a good 10 minutes just slagging off Denny's and the women that work at Denny's. It's everywhere. It's not particularly good at anything, but they do

everything and they're always open. First time I'd seen American customer service. This guy came over who looked like he was like, over here you'd expect him to be like a university student that's like he's just seemed smart he seemed like casual he was really friendly without trying too hard so we've got hickories in chester that um i love so if i get to call way where we go with me and laura like my mate matt's here uh for a few days and tonight i'm dragging him i'm dragging him to hickories it's absolutely has to happen. It's unbelievable. Just the best steak.

Laura's fine with it, whatever. Over here in this Hickory's, they're very aware that it's an American smokehouse. So they train them to be very American-style customer service. It can be done badly if they try too hard. Laura's like, this guy's making my skin crawl he's like hi guys hello little lady to etta i'm not saying etta was like who's this nonce but i could tell etta was a bit like uh leave me alone just leave it like and what does little miss want i just just doing it

he wasn't being a creep but it was over the top. And I think there's a way of doing amazing customer service where you're like, you're friendly, sound, efficient. And then just like, it's like almost like meeting someone in real life. If they're like, hello. Oh, I love Hertha Berlin. Oh, that looks really good. I love your hair. You're like, all right.

He's trying to fuck me in platonic conversation. In America, we were in that Denny's. We were like, oh, we've got to try a Denny's. And my dad was like, they're not up to much. I was like, I know, but we're in the States for like a week. Let's in that Denny's. We were like, Oh, we've got to try Denny's. And my dad was like, they're not up to much. I was like, I know, but we're in the States for like a week.

Let's try a Denny's. Um, went in and he took our order and we were proper English about it. Like my sister's a bit fussy. I'm fucking weird and fussy. So we're asking for things, but then changing my dad's just a big fat fucker. And he's ordering loads.

My stepmum's, it couldn't have been four more different orders and me and my sister being pernickety. And as he was taking his orders, like, okay, guys, what do you want? We were like ordering and he was like, okay, great, great, great. Okay, cool. And what do you want? What do you have to like? And the fear in our table is like, you could almost feel as like no one said it because we didn't want to be rude,

but you could tell all of us were looking at each other going, he's not writing it down. He's not writing it down. Daddy's not writing it down. My sister's like looking at me going, I'm fussy. I can't eat this wrong. I won't be able to eat it. We weren't saying it because we were classic,

like Northern English people going, bloody hell, this is wrong. And then there's going to have to be a complaint and it'll be socially awkward. And then I'll buy an album. It really like and he went away the order must have been 25 different things including drinks and he went great guys it's going to be about 10 15 uh your drinks will be with you and he wandered off and we were like well well i mean i don't know he can't like really all of us like, like Lancashire grandparents, like, it's unbelievable. You expect better. Terrible. I mean, he won't be able to remember you asking hash browns for this,

doing and that, doing a mean different. And he came back with the food. I honestly say it was about nine minutes later, carry in what looked like seven dishes where you're like, wow, that's impressive. He panged them all down, and there was this quiet awe on our table as we were like, it's right. It's right.

It's all right. And then he came back with the rest and the urge to go. I nearly gave the whole Nightingale family like giving him a standing, bloody impressive, Dave. Very good. You don't get it in chef walney dale um and then because we'd not been in the states long and you know

we were all excited we knew about the tipping culture and my dad was like over here it's a big thing the tipping culture just through boredom of being on holiday with your fucking younger sister your stepmom and your dad it's a bit dry. And this was when I was like 22, 23. So my social life was fucking amazing. And all of a sudden we're in Lake Tahoe. It was a bit boring. And my sister couldn't go out anyway because of the licensing laws.

We couldn't go anywhere that sold alcohol because she was underage. So we started making a sport of like how much you tip. We made it like, what do they deserve? We did a little like, what was the customer service like? How tip we made it like what do they deserve we did a little like how what was the customer service like how quick was it how much did they deserve uh i think the whole order came to about 70 maybe even less like 50 i was lobbying for him to get the same amount of like i was like he deserves 50 we gave him something like 40 like amazing

trying to take pictures with i've never seen anything like it you're like deron fucking brown but in a denny's it was so impressive just because that's what you that's what you expect from customer service in the states they're good they know what they're doing um well i i used to work so unlike here isn't it when they're like what we don't do that well yeah because i used I used to work for Burger King when I was like 16. And it was in the Metrol Centre. And the owner of Burger King was coming over. He was in the UK and he was selecting certain Burger Kings to go and visit

and see if they were up to scratch. Oh, he's doing a secret shopper on his own they were up to scratch. And we were... Oh, he's doing a secret shopper on his own. Sort of, yeah. But we knew he was coming. The owner, as in like the big... As in... Mr. King.

As in like the big plastic King bloke. Yeah. Mr. King. Mr. King, yeah. Yeah. So he was over. And we got told like, you've got to do it like to an American stand.

Which one did you work in? The one in the Metro Centre. Right. Yeah. Great. Red Quadrant. There, though. Red Quadrant.

Yeah. Okay. Metro Centre is really hard to navigate. If you're from the North East, I know it. If you're not from the North, you can get lost in the Metro Centre. It doesn't make sense. Very big, yeah. So we were in there and we like you know they had us like doing night shifts like like actually cleaning the place

properly for the first time like not to the standard that we were doing it they were like making us get chewing gum off the bottom of the tables like cleaning the chairs they had us clean the ball pool which was the first time that had ever been done and that was a fucking honestly empty bottles of vodka in it and all sorts. It was like, just fucking random. Not from adults, from like,

Geordie seven-year-olds. Yeah, our mum put us in a fucking ball pool. We couldn't waste it. Honestly, it was just full of shit, like,

like bits of jewellery with old currency. What? Damn it. A fucking Gateshead ball pool. Sovereign. Yen. jewellery with old currency what damn it a fucking gateshead ball pool sovereign

yen fucking hell there's some leer in here on the bottom of the ball pool it was like walking on a

carpet like you know in a really shit sticky nightclub where it's like where your feet stick to the

it was like that on the bottom of the bowl from all the coke and spit and snot from all the kittles fucking vile and

so yeah they had us being like Americans they didn't have me doing they made me work our back for the day because they were like very clean the bin area

literally what I was doing no word of a lie that's such an insult it was a big blue bin called Dougal I'm not making this up right and they sent me out the back literally what I was doing. No word of a lie. That's such an insult. It was a big blue bin called Dougal. I'm not making this up. Right, and they sent me out the back because they knew that I had a scam going with the lift at the back.

And they said, just take the bin up and down, right? Don't go jumping it because that was my other scam. The lift at the back, if you jumped up and down in it loads when it was moving, it would break the sensor and it would stop. And then you'd have to sit and wait for the fire brigade to come and get you out. Now, if you were having a boring shift,

you're just like, oh, fuck it, I'm going to go and break the lift. So you'd go and just jump up and down. And then you'd just be like, it's going to be a couple of hours here. 999, yeah, you need to come and save Barry and Dougal again. Yeah, red quadrant. Yeah, round the back. Yeah, the special the special kid

with the bin you just sit in the lift smoking like you take a mate with you because you know you're going to be in a couple of hours

did the fireman did he have did the fire service just come in and turn a key and it would like lower and you'd come out nine people have died

again Barry because of your negligence house fire in fucking Peter Lee unattended Barry with Dougal the doors to the

loop would open and be like stars in your eyes from all the smoke just like coming out pushing a blue bin so yeah I got sent out

back while everybody else was giving it have a nice day alright it's a pleasure to serve you. Right, okay.

But yeah. The head of Burger King. He must be a rich man. No, he's got... Is he what? The CEO? Or the CEO of the UK Burger King? Was he full American?

No, he was the American one, top brass. Wow. He must be a rich dude. God, I don't like Burger King. I like Chicken Royale, but everything else can fuck off. Nah, the burgers are nicer. The Maccadies? Yeah, because they're flame grilled.

And they're proper flame grilled. I flame grilled a pair of... They made you use plastic tongs for the vegetarian stuff so that you weren't cross-contaminating. And I flame grilled a pair of plastic tongs once just to see so that you weren't cross-contaminating. And I flim-grilled a pair of plastic tongs once just to see what would happen. So, if I brigade again, turns out

it's fucking plumes of black smoke. No Dougal this time, Barry! That was when I got moved to DA, as it was called. He's only worth 37 mil. 37 mil? That's all he's worth. Is he the owner or is he the CEO?

The CEO. What's he called? 37 mil is a lot for a CEO, though, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose. Because CEOs, they're employed. They get given the job. So if he's accrued that, he's accrued it through bonuses. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I suppose. If you're not the owner that's all right i know some of the fucking bonuses that ceos get you know like the royal bank of scotland went bust and it basically had to be all banking had to be bailed out by the government they were like they've really the top brass have really had to rein in their their annual bonuses like the ceos only getting 1.5 million this year. And that's down from seven. So everyone's tight in the belt, guys.

Let's try and get through this together. Fucking cunts. And that's why I get annoyed about getting called a Tory. So just to close up, you do Pjab Trim, don't you? Oh yeah, manscape.com. That was a journey. It was, yeah. Manscaped.com. That was a journey.

It was, yeah. I tried it once. It went wrong. I probably need some new equipment. So Manscaped, you can send us. How wrong did it go? I told you it went wrong. Are you post-op?

No, I got it from Amazon. I took it out of the box. I went to the bathroom and took it all off. Your pubes? Yeah, your pubes. And then I got back and shook the box from Amazon and the guard fell out

I was like oh you must put that on yeah because you got some cheap shit from Amazon yeah yeah I didn't know you must put the guard on

I still have a penis balls and some pubes erm yeah well that's enough of thinking about your I've just left it now I've not bothered

your mons pubis Laura er wants the full wax thing huh have we talked about it on pod the the full uh what's it called laser hair removal for christmas right okay just it was a moment there where i thought i'd encroached on wax yeah it's lasers yeah yeah yeah oh really okay it does the same thing done it's a perma wax with lasers it's six sessions

I got her six sessions and she'd be like a dolphin forever right so it's a gift for me as well I'm telling you right now fucking blow all

I'm telling you right now screw blow all then at the end I don't want to speak unkindly of my beautiful wife but it's going to take more than six sessions

to no yeah no why are you speaking with authority about my wife's pubic region of my beautiful wife but it's going to take more than six sessions to no yeah no why are you speaking with authority about my wife's pubic region because

it's heavy man she's dark she's dark isn't she oh it's is she dark she is dark if she trims a pube she loses two pounds

on the scales like it's it's it's decent like you know when pubes fall there's a real of a dunk and she takes some with a brush oh when she takes it's it's decent like you know when pubes fall there's a real dunk

some with a brush oh when she takes when she takes the meat out of the biff really so she wants because serica i've mentioned it she was like i'd like that oh it's like i can't wait right because it just means they've got less to do when they get because girls have to shave yeah and i i want her to, my favourite story from the, one of my favourite stories from the podcast ever was Chital Sheeps getting his chest waxed in Cardiff. My mate, Bondi's dental student mate,

he had a fucking really thick chest hair that he was embarrassed about, and he went to get it waxed, and he walked into the chinese waxing place and the the professional waxing woman as as he took his top off she went oh my god he was like she went she went at it for ages started from the bottom got halfway up and went you're gonna have to come back tomorrow i'll book you in i can't finish it i honestly think there's a chance when laura goes if she goes to a chinese they don't shave it you know i know but if she

goes to a chinese owned no it's laser hair remover i think there's a chance they're like oh my god it's scouse tell the other one by ours it's scouse skin survivor that's called skin survivor are you going to be there while they do it I will not be there no what are you there for because you're there

for the birth you've got to be there for the defuzzing no just it's literally just like you put goggles on

and they're just lazy you don't feel it it's painless it just kills the follicles have you ever seen a gardener With a strimmer

Goggles on Is that petrol You've got to go there hairless They don't shave you You go there hairless You shave And then they kill the follicles I've got that anyway

Because I've got very little Body hair as it is anyway So I don't like Your body hair as it is anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't like... I don't think you need Yeah, your body hair situation is both old and young at the same time.

It's really odd. You're like... I've seen your legs. They have a sort of youthful shine to them but also sort of like a post-chemotherapy look, you know?

Fucking hell, Dan! A youthful shine. That's too far! We found your leg. Don't ever say I've got cancer legs. So we'll keep you updated on the meat of the bitch. I was just thinking the smell from that. That must be, imagine that every day.

Which? Like if you work in that job. You mean the smell? Sm of the burning pubes? Right! I wondered what you meant there. It's not like a flamethrower. The smell of that. Women.

Oh, right. Oh, no. Jesus Christ. It's literally painless. It's just lasers going into your skin. So it's just there. All right. It must be like the LED.

No burn. It just kills the must be like the LED no burn it just kills the follicles and the skin alright for a Patreon special will you will I

will you give up a part of your like I've got a dead pig tattooed on my bottom you have can I have a look at it no

you can but we got it out on the last episode I need to stop getting my arse out on public episodes sign up to Patreon and you can get unlimited i'll get one ass cheek laser then one ass have you got a hairy ass cheek no no i'd get my ass crack laser hair removal that's like i hate that hair do it then i'm not sure they do that as a package though Yeah What do you mean on the cheeks or on your

In the Nipsey In the what? You know In your what? Nipsey In your nipsey You know what I mean

I do But I don't know that I've ever heard it called Your fucking nipsey You mean the crack No the Oh the gooch No no the the little... The bumble?

Yeah, yeah. Right, inside, just in the area. I don't have a hairy internal sphincter. No, the outside bit. Is that your nipsy? The fucking balloon knot, yeah. The balloon knot? You know what I mean?

What's a nipsy? Is it just your nipsy because it just nips it off, doesn't it? Just... Oh, just nip that off. Like a cigar cutter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It makes so much sense. Is that something that you've come up with?

Oh, is that your family thing? Just always called it the nipsy. Come on, Barry, clean your nipsy. It's got work to do. Nipsy hustle. Eating all them tongs. What a first 47 minutes of bullshit. We will see you shortly for some correspondence.

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And on top of that, 30 day money back guarantee. So if you get it and you think it's shite, they'll give you your dough back. Risk-free, absolute belter, and an honour to have them on board as a sponsor. Me gan. I had a kebab late last night. Picked a young Matthew from the train station up later than I'm used to

and just fucked up my dinner and just ate at about 11 o'clock at night and put a lot of chilli sauce on that kebab and I have had naughty bottom since I don't know how anyone you eat at like mental times

I do? I get hungry about 11 at night do you eat breakfast no no same right I start eating like mid

like 3 o'clock and then I through the night you see a meal for me is the end of the day as soon as I like

have my big meal it's like sleep that's why maybe for that little lunch that we just had

it was fairly light though right sandwich and some chips that'll be all right. But if I have my main meal of the day, then it's bedtime. Like a baby. Right. Yeah, yeah.

You eat one meal a day. Yeah. Well, that's why I was always up like cooking. Like a fucking bear in the... I just eat like a snake once every six months. But it's massive. Just a goat. Barry dislocating his jaw.

Oh, God, you'll have to leave him till June. He's eating. But no, I would be like, that house we lived in, I'd do like, think nothing of baking a casserole at 4am. Honestly. You've turned out to be a really nice person you know oh here we go here we go but if

you'd have ended up killing people i wouldn't have been blown away like i'd have been like oh okay yeah some things some things marry up you know no like the obsession with death and the eating habits aren't enough alone but it was one of those ones where if you'd have killed like a sex worker if i'm saying if right then we'd have backtracked and gone oh i'm gone he's a gamer as well big gamer aren't you all right a gamer's a gamer i thought you said something else a gamer right i am that that essentially was why i was up so late was the gaming because i'd get in from a gig and then it's like i've clearly got to play three hours of gears of war just to get all that stress out my system yeah i have to murder people to get that

stress out of your system no just kidding and shout at foreign children now we definitely did do that on the last podcast i still do do that now. It's the best release. Yeah, I play Forza now. Oh, you're a driving game now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you play like Among Us. Got a Call of Duty, a bit of FIFA. A what?

Among Us, it's called. Nice, cool. Just needed a VAR on what you just said. It was either Among Us or something cancelable. I play a mong with us, you know. But I drive like a bastard as well in the game. Oh, yeah, that's how you have fun? You don't have fun being good.

That's interesting because in real life, you drive like a pensioner. You drive like 75-year-old Barry, like, don't rush me. I rarely go above 60 in the car. god what about enforcer twatting it about forza or the corners of what i use for the brake or other cars hit the handbrake slam into someone else knock them off the checkpoint that's the point of it yeah yeah and then then you can hear me yeah there was one blow the other night just get that close there's one blow at the other night i did it really aggressively i'm proper like handbraked and slid it was on the dirt track and it went bang and just knocked him clean and just for a second i heard him he just went with real aggression he just went you twat

it was so great and that's what gets you ready for bed. I was that. I'm a casserole. That and a full, like, fucking Sunday dinner at 3.30 a.m. There's nothing relaxes me more than a leg of lamb at nearly 4 a.m. and just upsetting a stranger via the internet. You fucking twat. I hope you choke.

He was furious. How are you linked up on Forza? How is that even? Parties. So you have a headset and your friends are in parties and you chat to them. And you drive around. Or if people aren't in party chat,

you can just hear the general lobby chats. There'll be 12 of you in a race. In a race? Yeah. It's not just like a free driving game where you're like, oh, there you are, see you later. No. It's a race.

It's a race, but you can just drive around as well. Okay, so I think I've talked to you about this game, and you told me that there's a mode where you just drive around. Yeah. And I thought that was a whole game, but there is a race. There is a race. Well, the one where you just drive around, because in Forza 4 you could drive around. And I thought that was a whole game, but there is a race. There is a race. Well, the one where you just drive around, because in Forza 4,

you could drive around Edinburgh. Yeah. And they've recreated Edinburgh beautifully. It's amazing. There's flyers. There's reviewers. The first thing I did was drive up to the Pleasant. So it's like,

I'm going to fucking take out an improv group crossing the road. But there's no pedestrians in it. Trying to do Macbeth while flyering. When shall we three meet again? Fuck off! Here comes Barry and a Toyota Corolla. Droved out the caves.

Go and see Daryl. Amazing. Are you going to start becoming a gamer, Dan? Because you've got a console now, haven't you? Yeah, I'm definitely going to become a gamer. Because I'm just sitting around going, what am I going to do with this free time? So Finn, very kindly, has given me a PS4,

which is really kind of you. But then, you know, everyone's like well you've been really mean to him but i am you know incredibly nice to finn once these microphones are off but there's something like a deep once the mics are up i'm like fuck you finn you see when i even get african women to do voiceovers for the audio intro is she still around is she still around because i'm six months behind. Well, she's just had an upgrade, which we paid her handsomely for.

We've just bought her a second home in Zimbabwe. Right. She knows her worth very well. We paid her 20 quid for the initial. This is have a word. If you just watch the YouTube, you have no idea what we're talking about. If you are one of our audio army,

this is a massive part of it. But the YouTube show has never had the African lady doing the intro. The first time we found her on Fiverr, I was like, this is what I want. Adam was like, that's great. And it was like, the funniest podcast in the game. This is Havawood. 20 quid that cost.

She did three reads. It was brilliant classic fiverr.com it's useful next time she was like oh for broadcast rights it's 40 quid it's like in dollars but it was like basically 40 quid i was like yeah it seems fair and then six months later she's obviously checked who we are and she was like i I need $300. And I basically went, fuck off. But you can't then find another African lady. We need her. So this time I was like, yeah, we do actually need. So we paid her $300 to do a new intro.

In the middle of it, she's like, shut up, Finn, you big fingered weirdo. It's so good. It's really good. But I appreciate that PS4, Finn. That's very kind of you. You've been mean to him where I'm at six months ago. I'm still mean to him.

It's funny. You're screaming at him to build something in another room. In real life, I'm his rock. What's a PS4 worth? Can Finn have the mic? This is how. Basically, what happened is I tried to trade it in. In real life, I'm his rock. What's a PS4 worth? Can Finn have the mic? This is how. Basically, what happened is I tried to trade it in.

They rejected it, so I offered it to you. That's absolutely solid. Why did they reject it? The Ethernet port was slightly damaged. I know, I know. It's Wi-Fi. I said that. I said the Ethernet works as well.

It's annoying, but they just rejected it. Is the Ethernet thing that's going to hook it up to the... I've bought 2K15 or whatever. 2K21. I bought the golf game. Oh, right. Yeah. Is it PGA? I went to...

Oh, my God. I'm so out of the game. What's it? What's the shop called with all the smelly golf? CEX. CEX. Yeah. Just everyone looks like a fucking minging billy eilish

like even the men look like just fat spotty billy eilish fans it's got a smell she's the only human in history that has pulled off green dyed hair shout out billy eilish i'm not even sure about her music but generally every time she comes up on Instagram reels I'm like she looks fucking great, she seems sound I like her, she pulls it, she's got massive tats, I really like the green hair, everyone else that's ever dyed their hair green

needs to grow the fuck up and not work at CEX and I went in and got a 15 quid golf cape and that's going to be my go to I will never be linking that up to the internet because the last thing I need is to play golf with some aggressive hormonal Portuguese child. That's not going to happen.

No, fuck you. I listen to Rava, what you're a nonce, damn. You are what we call in Lisbon a Toray. Fuck off, tiger. Pow. Did I tell you the story about, because just when you said that someone rejected it for sale, it made me think of somebody else who bought something secondhand

that would have been rejected. Have I told you the story about the comedian buying the secondhand iPhone? Go on. This is a comedian who I won't name and I'm in a WhatsApp group with him and one day just out of the blue, he'd been very silent in the WhatsApp group for about two weeks Northern, yes

Barry's only in WhatsApp groups with Northern comics If you're from south of Derby, Barry's not interested He just put something in he sent me he just put he put something in group chat and he just said right listen lads um don't don't be sending anything dodgy to this group for just you know just don't don't put anything in it for a while now this is a group where the dodgiest fucking memes and viral videos would get sent to.

I was like, what's going on? Now, the comic, Mike, we'll call him, had... Oh, I felt that coming up from mid-wellies. Is it him? I can't believe it. Why don't we just say who it is? Everyone fucking knows.

It's all right. He doesn't give a shit no he doesn't he's every time i literally the only contact i ever have with him he's one in every four messages he's like how's the family is everyone all right the rest of the time he's like look at the tits on this bit of fucking he's she's from fucking czech republic look at them bastards like he knows he's he's an animal Alright, so it's Mike Wilkinson. The group. It's not the most forward-thinking liberal of groups because it's me, Mike Wilkinson,

Dave Twentyman and Sam Harland. Right? I'm the latest addition to it. If you lot were mates two generations ago, there's a lot of bruised women in that fucking group. Don't bring me down.

There she got fucking uppity. I've been giving Barry some shit. Can I apologise about cancer legs? That was well... I actually thought about that at dinner. Like, oh, that was a bit mean. Barry's actually got cancer of the legs and it's not funny. He just said, don't put anything weird in the group for a while.

Now, what had happened was Mike had dropped his phone and cracked the screen and the screen wasn't working anymore. So he was like, oh, I can't send pictures properly and all that. And in the end, he was in a pub and someone just went, oh, he was struggling with the phone. Someone went, I've got an iPhone, a home that I'm selling, if you want it. And he went, what is it? And he went, oh, you know, it's the latest one.

It's the iPhone 7, right? Mike's like, oh, yeah, that sounds like a good one, the number 7, right? And he was like, it's 50 quid. And he was like, oh 50 quid and he was like oh a bargain I'll be around tomorrow then

so the next day Mike you're making him sound like the guy from open all hours oh Granville Granville

is there an iPhone for all 7 I'll bring Ralph round so he went round bought bought the phone so went to the guy's door and bought the phone so he went round bought the phone

so went to the guy's door so he's walking back through the place where he lives a very small community and he's pleased as fuck with his phone making sure everybody can see oh Mike's got a new iPhone so someone just went

hey Mike where have you got that from and he went oh I've just bought it off Mick. And they went, Mick? Yeah. And they went, not Mick Smith. They went, not Mick Smith. And he went, yeah, I bought it off him. Went 50 pounds.

He went, you do know he's just been done for child sex offences? What? And Mike's there holding his phone, right? He's like, what's this phone being used for? And Mike's a teacher. Oh, God, yeah, he works part-time as a teacher, doesn't he? So he's been knocking on a paedophile's door. Right.

And buying electronic... And buying the most tracked phone in the fucking lake district oh my god and he's now walking home logging into whatsapp right all right sam all right baz all right dave don't worry there's been a backup and it's put it all in your gallery so yeah he was like what did he do just like bin it oh yeah i just hit the sim card out and bin it yeah because obviously that phone will take the SIM card out and bin it, yeah. Because, obviously, that phone will have... Yeah, all kinds of... Every tracker going on it.

Yeah. And if he gets done in Operation U-Tree, he can't be like, I bought it from down the road. It's an iPhone 7. You know, from Mick Smith. Listen, I know there's kiddie pics on it, but we have 50 quid.

Like, pedophilia is awful, but I love a bargain. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's not good, is it? Oh, my God. So that's... Shout out to Mike Wilkinson. Coming up from my wellies, he told me that he was banging a posh bird.

He loves it. Since his divorce, listening to his stories, it's basically, he's like a 50-year-old fucking teenager. Like, oh, yeah, I met her. Crack him, baps. And he doesn't give a shit. He's got his house, he's got his dog, and he's got his divorce,

and he seems dead happy with it. But he was like, yeah, I was, you know, sleep. He never says sleeping with. He's like banging this, I don, you know, sleep. He never said sleeping with. He's like banging this, I don't know, what terminology? Poking. Anyway, I was having a roll in here with this posh lass and cracking tits. And I was like, oh, I hadn't seen her for a week or so.

You know, I was getting into vinegar strokes. And just as I finished, I went finished i went oh god i can feel that coming up from me wellies and apparently her face was like because she was quite middle class because the lake district is full of northern yokels and also people have retired from like london at 45 because their startup has been sold and And apparently she went, I beg your pardon. So every, like, now, me and Laura, when we have sex, a lot of our relationship is built on the fact that Laura's got a great sense of humor and she thinks I'm funny.

And when that changes, we're probably not going to be a couple anymore. But for now, it's still good. And I love, like, taking the piss. No one is making, doing shtick during sex i don't care how funny you are once you're in there you're having fun and you're doing the job aren't you but afterwards it takes such a lot of strength to not do a call back to like, oh, dear. Coming up from me wellies. And my big fear is that I'm going to get so scoused by this podcast that I'm going to be like,

just after I've come, go, oh, what? Oh, I'd love you to do that. Just, oh. The thing is, Mike and Dave, it's like the comedians work in the circuit, but they are very

sort of they're not they're not woke they're not they're not up to speed they're northern working class lads that are very very funny and work in an industry

where we have ties to a very woke London circuit and Edinburgh Festival circuit it's the arts isn't it and that's absolutely right. Like our alternative circuit was born as a reaction

to a very racist, homophobic mainstream circuit. And that's great. And now the mainstream really is that alternative circuit. That's now what you'd call mainstream comedy, but we've retained the rules of the adapted alternative scene from the 80s, which is no racism, no sexism, you know, like just modern liberal left-wing politics within comedy.

And then you get these guys who are good guys. They're absolutely good guys, but they have not one foot in the old working class mentality, but a couple of toes just over the line, and it's fucking funny. It's funny. 20 Men did a gig in Leeds that's quite woke. Well, not woke,

but it's one of the trendier, nicer gigs. The Hi-Fi. I think woke is a word that is now used to, like, as a stick against young people who just are basically politically correct and let's be honest they're right like but it's the it's the sort of it's the it's the weird sort of

reaction to anything anyone being called out for being uh like alt-right or like then to sort of counteract with like well you're just woke like i't know. I think that's a very social media type term, isn't it? Really, the hi-fi is just, it's a load of students, graduates, and nice people in Leeds. Yeah, it's nice people. It's exactly the gig I want to do in Leeds compared to every other gig.

That's the one, isn't it? Yeah. Well, Dave Twettingman, maybe not the ideal compa because somebody told me on a message that one of his opening gambits at the club, I don't know if you're going to have to cut this out. No, we're not.

I'm telling you right now, it's not coming out. He was like, all right, welcome to Wi-Fi. And there was a big group of women, and he went, all right, girls, which one of you's biggest slag? Like, fucking welcome to 2021. I said, which one's biggest slag like fucking welcome to 2021 I say which one's biggest slag oh my god I still think it's

one of the more entertaining things on our circuit watching someone who just cannot get like talking about iPhones there are comedians that are just too set in their ways and I'm not even talking about old guys, because there's some very moderate progressive older comics. You mentioned Andre Vincent before.

That guy was basically an act at the very, very start of the 80s when the Comedy Store was being put together. He was one of the first circuit comedians in the UK. We're talking like one of the forefathers of the circuit that we're now involved in. And now there are guys, and I'm not talking about Dave and Mike, I'm talking about there's a bunch of guys who, it's literally like walking with dinosaurs.

You're like, where are you? Like, have you just rejected what's going on? I'm not even talking about the the the more recent stuff like since like black lives matter the progression with sort of trans rights and just even how we're talking about those issues and being more open and gender pronouns and everything there are some guys who just like it's not their age it's just sort of like i think where they're from and they've done too many years of gigging, how they've always been gigging.

They were like, no, I'm sorry, I can't do the iPhone update on this one. I'm just going to keep saying what I've said since 2007. And it's glaring at some gigs where you're like, no. It makes you flinch, doesn't it, sometimes? Any comic who thinks it's all right in 2022 to do a bit of comparing and go, tell you what, love, cracking set of tits.

I know exactly who you're thinking about as well. Come on, man. It was never really all right. No. But you have to be fucking toned. You have to be like, well, you know, it's a compliment. They are cracking tits. And I don't even care if the woman with cracking tits

is like thank you I have got cracking tits it's not about that there's more going on fucking idiots so talking about Northern Legends we've got Jamie Hutchinson coming in next week and we're recording fuck me Jamie Hutchinson has become

instant pod royalty from his episode in November and the clip about Dr Catford that was our first See I haven't heard this yet because people keep on talking about Dr Catford. He just came in like Jamie Hutchinson was a guy that me and Adam

mentioned as a possible guest sort of six months ago and like Adam does a brilliant job of booking the guests and it's a balancing act of like who's going to help us raise our profile like guys like jimmy carr and who's going to be great on the pod and jamie was a name that got mentioned and then you know there's only one guest a week and it's easy for that to just not happen and he went on rob thomas's podcast so if you've if i don't know if we've given another the another one pod meant a mention but yeah no but we should rob rob thomas and simon wozniak who are

both like former guests of ours and they're our mates are doing a pod called another one and it's the another one pod go and check it out they've had paul smith on they've had rob mull holland on and they've had jamie hutchinson on a couple of times there are out they've had paul smith on they've had rob mull holland on and they've had jamie hutchinson on a couple of times there are mates they've copied our format and uh in terms of counterfeit i think it's all right what do you reckon it passes yeah and if rob thomas gets competitive about numbers i will shove them up his ass because there's something about rob thomas i really like as a friend but fuck, he is just such an antagonist. It makes me want to go fuck yourself.

Every time we tweet somebody, he's like, yeah, watch your fucking back, because we're coming for you. You're like, all right. But yeah, genuinely, go and check out another one pod. And Jamie Hutchinson's been on there. So Rob Thomas was like, lads, you've got to get him on. So he was the thing that made Adam go, do you know what?

Yeah, if Rob vouches for him, fuck me, he has been so popular. He was amazing at the live show as well, which people who bought the live stream will have seen. He just came on. And Alfie Brown, who is a sensational comedian and a very popular Have A Word guest, just didn't know what to do with him Alfie Brown at one point went

it's sort of unbelievable that you exist yeah which sort of sums up Jamie Hutchison but the thing is people might think oh it's fake

it can't be no the stuff he says isn't fakeable he's one of the most marvellous fuck ups I've ever had the pleasure of knowing he's just great and I. He's one of the most marvellous fuck-ups I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

Yeah. He's just great. And I think he's going to become a real pod legend around these parts. I think he'll find a place on the internet, definitely.

Well, he's got some things in the works because the reaction to what he's done has been so brilliant. And he's a fan of ours and we're a fan of his. So he's coming in next week to do a lockdown lock-in.

Adam is away. Or the pod royalty will join us. So I made a call to Ishan Akbar. So we have got two genuine... Heavyweights. Oh, my. Oh, yeah. So to have Ishan and Jamie in here with booze, Carl and Finn are going to be in here,

hopefully Steve, and we are going to get pissed. So next week's Patreon episode is me and Ishan, and then we are going to go out for a bit of tea, get Jamie from the train, come back in here, and do a lockdown lock-in that's been long overdue for me. I think it was a nice enough gap, though.

Yeah. I think we've left it long enough. July, yeah. Yeah, but Adam's got a social life. You've got a social life. I don't have a... The lockdown lock-ins are genuinely like a fucking night out for me. And Laura's like, of course, it's work.

If I go and get drunk in a pub, it's definitely not work. If I come and get drunk here, she's like, honestly, it's great. That's how great that's how you grow the patreon 8 000 so proud of you i do need to go get pissed love thank you so if you're not a patron of this podcast uh there are 8 000 people who think you're wrong and i've got two people coming in the studio next week that might um tempt you over to the dark side sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Ishan and Jamie H on a lockdown lock-in. It'll be out 6pm on the 14th of January. Oh my God.

I'm sad that Adam is not here for a lock. It's going to be weird having a lockdown without him. But the way everyone's schedule was working, we needed to get it done. Otherwise it might not have happened in January. And a secondary reason you need to sign up to the patreon is uh the patreon special we're doing basically one of these a month now and january's will be the lockdown lock-in uh february's gonna be the ghost hunt two with barry dodds. With old Barry the Rapper fan. Yeah.

Where are we going, Barry? Well. I know the name of it. You're getting emotional. Tell us where we're going. Barry's on the hunt. Barry's on the hunt. So 30th Strife was a good starter.

Yeah. If you are new to this podcast and you haven't signed up to the Patreon, was a good starter. Yeah. It was, you know. If you are new to this podcast and you haven't signed up to the Patreon, one of our first Patreon specials that wasn't a lockdown lock-in, Barry took us to Rotherham. No.

Pontefract. Pontefract. Rotherham. To, well, it's near. It's not far. It's South Yorkshire, isn't it? Yeah, same area. West Yorkshire.

Whatever, Yorkshire. Fucking Yorkshire. And we went to the most haunted house in the UK supposedly the most haunted house in terms of activity most violent poltergeist

in Europe things like that it's a house that's quite famous now it gets it's had a movie made about it it gets lost in hoover it does need a hoover

and some air freshener and some new kids that was the scariest thing about it was my fucking house dust allergy Adam nearly had kittens Adam

Adam had a bad time and we got it all on film and it's available on the Patreon however however that was done people want more

that should have been done in my opinion overnight it should have been overnight, in my opinion, overnight. It was in the summer too, so it was bright. It was in the summer, so it was still light at night. Right. It still worked, though, didn't it? It was a beautiful summer's evening.

As the sun set over the council houses of Pontefract, Adam didn't need darkness because he shat his pants and left a bit what were we meant to do in the build we were meant to do 7 minutes no 5 10 minutes alone it wasn't 10

it was walking around the house and then go upstairs it wasn't as long as 10 he managed a minute and 40 he did a minute and 12 seconds and that was in the daylight so that was a good He managed a minute and 40. Oh, he did a minute and 12 seconds or something like that. And that was in the daylight. However. So that was a good sort of taster.

So we've started basic, and I think now this time, let's go right to the extreme. Is it extreme? This is what I think. To the point where I've got genuine concerns about whether Adam will go in or if he'll do anything in there. Because if that was his reaction in Pontefract, I don't know how he's going to deal with Chillingham Castle. In January?

In January. Where it goes dark at fucking... It's dark at four o'clock, yeah. Is there heat in there? There's a log fire in one of the apartments which will light for some heat. It's very cold. This is a real... It's a log fire in one of the apartments, which will light for some heat. It's very cold. This is a real...

It's a castle. It's hidden in the hills of North Northumberland. It's one of the places that was besieged by the Scots when William Wallace was invading it, and Chillingham was the place they were tortured. Now, the history and the ghost stories are incredible, and there's so much to see. So there's a torture chamber.

There's an original dungeon with an original oubliette. I can't be arsed by it. I might be sick. There's a lake, which is... Because apparently the English, after they were finished with the bodies of the Scots, couldn't really be bothered burying them, so they were dumped in a lake that's about a mile's walk from the back of the castle.

Though you can't fish in there because people keep pulling bits of shit up. So they don't allow people to fish in it. And apparently if you put your hand in at midnight, you are apparently cursed. And you can feel the hands of the dead pulling you down. So we'll be taking Adam there at midnight and asking him to put his hand in the water.

Nope. I will not be doing that. There's the Uber. I will wash my dick and balls in that fucking... What? Hang on. No, it's January.

No. I was just backtracked on that. I won't be cursed. I would be a eunuch. That's how that would go. Well, there's one room that Sir Humphrey uncovered when he was going through the place.

Sorry, who? Sir Humphrey Wakefield, the owner of the castle. Before everyone jumps on, yes, I know, father-in-law of Dominic Cummings. Fucking... Is he? Yeah, the tweets I got. Say what?

That's so odd. So, Sir Humphrey... Sir Humphrey's daughter is married to Dominic Cummings. Right. Is he going to be there? He's not a regular visitor. Okay, okay. I can't believe that this is a Tory castle. I'm shocked.

Sir Humphrey's one of those... What a surprise! Sir Humphrey's one of those mad old toffs who's skint but has somehow got a castle. He was given the castle. And when he was gone through it, they found a room in one of the walls deep deep in one of the walls and it's just a tiny little room with one door no daylight and a hole

in the floor that's now got a metal grate on top of it that's the oubliette so so you go in it's the small dungeon at the top you'd be put in there and there's still the marks on the wall where people would scratch down their days. Make sure your mic's closed. Where people would scratch down their days when they were in there. An oubliette. An oubliette. Just a hole in the ground. It's French for forgotten.

So you'd be put in, they'd leave you there for a while, forget about you, and then when they were done with you, they'd just kick your bones and whatever's ever left alive of you in the hole in the floor and the next person would be put in of you in the hole in the floor and the next person would be put in looking down the hole at what fate awaits them so we'll be going in as a human bin essentially basically they just put you in there and let you die yeah forget about you yeah so we'll be going in there that doesn't bother you so you'll be going in there. That doesn't bother you. So you'll be going, well, it's what... I'm not getting an oubliette.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to make a list of challenges because there's a lot at Chillingham. There's a lot to do, a lot of different things. Like there's going to be some arguments over who has what bedroom because one of the bedrooms has a fireplace in it. That fireplace isn't actually a fireplace. It's been made to look like one. It because that is actually hole in the wall where a skeleton was brought out of it and the body of a young boy they call him the blue boy because people see blue sparks coming out the wall now dan could have that one he doesn't give a fuck

so that's one of the bedrooms that is there like a premier inn because i'll stay there near the a1 somewhere, yeah. Right. And the thing is with Chillingham is... You are in the castle with Sir Humphrey, the blue boy, and the fucking... It's likely he won't be there. Oh, really? It's likely just going to be us.

I don't know if Sir Humphrey needs to meet Adam. No. Pussy! What? Ass? Pussy! Ass Pussy I say Pussy

So I'm not Getting in an Oubliette I'm just telling You right now I think We did the 10 minute

Challenge Upstairs in Pontefract I think We'll have The apartment That we're Staying in

As our Base And we'll Take everyone Down and Everyone does 10 minutes In the Oubliette on their own nah nope oh i thought you didn't give a fuck finn nah and we'll do it together is it pitch black it's when the door shuts there's no

source of light you can hold your hand there you can't see anything. Can you understand that you don't need to be scared of ghosts to find that a lot? It is intense. People don't last like when they do like the vigils and things there, when they've done the ghost hunts, they generally do a thing where they see who can last the longest in there.

Because it is unpleasant. No shit. Whether you believe in ghosts or not, what happened in there is unpleasant. I want? No shit. You know, whether you believe in ghosts or not, what happened in there is unpleasant. I'm going to get blathered, mate. I'm going to take a flask round and get fucked. Right.

So otherwise, I'll just end up jumping down the oubliette. I'm just ending it. There's also the torture chamber. Nothing happens in it. End it. You're just going to be in an oubliette. I'm fucking ending it.

Right, Carl? Yeah, yeah. I'll get out in a minute. I'm taking a flask round full of something. Vodka. it you're just gonna be in an oubliette i'm fucking ending it all right carl yeah yeah i'll get out in a minute i'm taking a flask round full of something vodka right cool there's lots and lots of rooms for us to go and do things in but even the bedrooms and the rooms we're staying in are haunted like i i've i've been there it's the only place i've ever seen um well something happened in the parapod film where i where i saw something but it's the only other place i've been there. It's the only place I've ever seen. Well, something happened in the Parapod film where I, where I saw something,

but it's the only other place I've been where I've seen something physically move on its own. And it was in the apartment we're staying in. It was a little brass peacock on the table. I saw just get flung across the room and it went spinning in the kitchen area. And we were like looking at it. Like, is there a nice room?

like a wacky warehouse or something there's no nice place there's the old medieval wacky warehouse where if the oubliette was they got the Scottish

soldiers and they put them in the fucking ball pool they were like can it squelch you down at the bottom there's the devil's

it's all the coke in it from before there's the devil's walk at the front of the castle. Jewelry. Right. To go and walk and you're right

it's there was I'll tell you all the story when we get there Why does this get you off? There was Look at you enjoying yourself. No I think

You know what you can't see? Barry's like wiggling with pleasure like I'm moving my knee. I thought you were like wiggling like No. Oh the fucking oubliette.

Oh I spent Christmas in the oubliette. Every Valentine's. Come on, Wallace. We're going to the fucking oubliette. No, I'm moving my knee. Otherwise, it locks. So there's tons. The history is incredible.

Is there a nine-month-old baby and a fucking four-year-old anywhere near me. No. I will have a phenomenal night's sleep. I will see you in North Northumberland. Are you the first to sleep? Because that's a big mistake. What? The first person to fall asleep is getting in trouble, aren't they?

No. The thing is, everyone's not going to be in the same room. Are we all separate? We're all separate. No, I'm staying with someone. Well, yeah, there'll be two people to a room. Adam's going to be sleeping in Carl's fridge. Is there beds? Is it a bed?

Oh yeah, they're nice apartments. Oh, they're lovely apartments. I used to go and stay there every year for my birthday but COVID etc. Is it just single beds in just a room? The one that you and Adam will be in is a big four poster bed. Where's Finn?

I'll share the bed. I don't give a fuck. Can I bring my PS4? Is there electricity? Yes. Wi-Fi? Golf game. Adam will have a bad time.

And there's no phone signal. Adam's not going. It's the middle of nowhere. I'm telling you, Adam will put himself in the uber later. If he cannot go on Instagram and Twitter and check his emails, he's going to be in that premiering by about quarter to 11. I'm telling you now, you can hype it up all you want.

When I got to that house in Pontefract, I was like, God, within 25 minutes, you're like, oh. This is just a place where people wind each other up. This sounds different, though. This is totally different. Oh, it is different. It does sound different. Yeah, different.

The oubliette sounds scatty as fuck. Can you bring up a picture on that screen? Absolutely, go on. Can you just type in Chillingham Castle Dungeon? Chillingham Castle. Chillingham. Chillingham Castle. I say Chillingham. Chillingham Castle Dungeon. Chillingham Castle. Chillingham. Chillingham Castle. I say Chillingham.

Chillingham. Right. Okay. Well. I think I had my... Oh, that's this. So that's the torture chamber. Can you go to that one that's got the red sky?

So, yeah, just down, down, down. Yeah, that one. So that's the courtyard when you go in. We're staying in the rooms that are sort of, those windows at the top, those are the rooms that we're going to be in. And when was that red sky? And is it near Middlesbrough?

Red sky at night? You're welcome. Bit of a hack. Nothing wrong with that joke. I've been doing that joke for fucking 20 years. In fact, that middle picture. Cracking tits. Just down next to the, yeah.

No, no, along, along. Yeah, that's the Oubliette. Right. Ohack it, it. Just down next to the, yeah. No, no, along, along. Yeah, that's the oubliette. Right. Well, that's lovely. Can you put that in here? It's all in. Right. Now, do you need to be,

do you need to believe in ghosts to think that a medieval hole in the ground is a place that would be uncomfortable? Like, I don't suffer from claustrophobia, but that's going to make me feel horrible. And it's not because I think some Scottish ghost is like, get the fuck out of my oobly head, by the way. I fucking died here in 1322, by the way.

I just don't need to be scared of ghosts to think that's dreadful. Yeah. It's a place where people would die and get kicked in a hole. The other pictures along there, that's dreadful yeah it's a place where people would die and then get kicked in the hole the tour if the the other pictures along there that's the torture chamber and that's and so that's the rack is that's the lair the rack yeah yeah all the torture stuff's there so if you if you just go along that till i use my dick that's one along yeah a bit of length oh um that's another view of the torch right okay well that's so just for the audio

listeners there was a lot of pictures of a creepy old fucking castle like it's not rocket science where's the one with my bed where i'll be sleeping soundly and not pestered by fucking children and night feeds i'm telling you right now i'm gonna a great time. Can we access each other's room? I cannot wait to watch you get wound up, because you do, and wind Carl up a bit and watch Adam lose his hairy mind, and Finn and I will have a really nice time. Can I get to Dan's room? Yes. So I can scratch the door and shit at like 3am.

That won't be me, by the way. That'll be the ghosts. It's going to be dead scary, isn't it? Is it a ghost or is it what I said? Yeah, it is, yeah. It's what I said I'd do. So four of us will be in one apartment and everybody else, the crew,

will be in the one that's above us. Cool. Well, I'm looking forward to that. Freezing my fucking dick off should we wrap up yeah trying to dip my balls in a lake at midnight i can't wait it will be available on patreon.com slash have a word pod it'll be 40 years for february i can't wait it'll be like we're gonna have a good time but i know yeah it's gonna be a proper laugh yeah yeah. Yeah. Laura was like, right, we did the calendar, you know, like where are you in the next couple of months?

I was like, this day I'm going to be in Northumberland with these fucking idiots trying to scare at him. I'm telling you right now, he's not staying in this castle. I don't think. I've honestly got concerns that he'll get there in the car, look at it and go, no. No, he won't. He'll be a trooper.

He's too much of a team player. But I think he'll struggle. Right, well, I haven't asked one solitary fucking question. We just talked Northern and fucking ghosts. What time are we on? We're at break time. Okay. We've got cunt in the gang coming in.

Let's go find cunt. It's exciting stuff stuff wag wag lids hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive we've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie is this real

this is an add this oh for the merch for the merch that you're wearing get one of these ones but when you buy it get one that fits you

they come in different sizes but I would definitely maybe order Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you. They come in different sizes. But I would definitely maybe order one size up. Unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from. And it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo.

Get some merch. but he can't help himself but look at them look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it i like you i think you look good fucking pathetic but you'll look better in have a word pod merch that's what i was saying just in a more polite way and that's here because carlo put the graphic in have a word pod dot com if you can't read. Get on me. Nice one. Welcome back.

Very pleased to say that through Barry's organisation and fucking connections we've got Cunt from Cunt and the Gang. Come on mate. Thanks for coming up. Right old Trek. Yeah, it's a Trek, but, you know, it's going to be worthwhile.

Heard a lot of good things from Barry. Right, well, I have something to admit, because obviously, famously, you've just had your second push for Christmas number one with Boris Johnson is still a fucking cunt. Yeah. Mwah. And I heard about you last year i was like i've never given a shit about the like christmas number one no one with pubes does no

and this time all of a sudden through just this fucking stupid in joke that we let get out of hand and adam being mentally confident and then some betting happening we were like holy shit we're in the running for christmas number one and at first i sort of like through not knowing your work dead well just felt like you were like a competitor and this you were unbeknownst to you i was like oh fuck that guy we're gonna be like we're gonna be like the renegade yeah and as the week i think it was like two days later we were like uh actually the first day of sales was so funny because we were hyped we'd done loads of pre-sales we had three versions which we thought was dead clever cunt and the gang have got 10 versions because you were playing the game and honestly on that friday the first day of sales

itunes were like you're third fourth and fifth we were screenshotting it adam's like we're fucking taking over the world mate we'll get a record deal and as the week as it just it was so painful watching us sort of just gently just disappear from relevance and watching you sort of stake your claim as a proper contender for christmas number one and when it became obvious that we weren't actually in the running for christmas and what i became so i just had so much respect for what you've done playing that horrible game and winning but also like all of us were like yeah go on let's fucking we i felt really behind cunt and the gang do you know what though everything you've just described to me i've had all those

same feelings like last year and this year because you've you've got your you've got your fan base your solid fucking fans who all go out on the first day and buy it because we weren't all organized enough to sort out pre-sales because i was still getting all the versions of the song together and needed to put them all out in one go and um that bit where you kind of go in and it all starts moving up you're like fucking yes and you're doing all the screenshots but to keep that momentum up you've got to get people outside of your fan base to a discover it and b invest in it in that short amount of time yeah and it's really fucking hard yeah and also like we've got a lot of people listen to this podcast and watch it and then we're trying to get them to sign up to our patreon which is

our subscription-based service and we've managed to get 8 000 fucking like fellow bellends to buy into that which is amazing it's what like it's become our living and then you think well that translates to we'll definitely be able to sell this many but it's another stretch to be like oh you know this us being daft cunts trying to fucking ruin the christmas number one it's another thing to get them to do it like we learned the hard way that yeah thousands of people will go oh yeah this is funny but it's actually quite hard to get people mobilized even though it's just some fucking clicks on the internet, to actually get it going. It is really, really fucking hard. And also, you sort of need to do one as a dry run

to know what to do the next time. So last year, you did Boris Johnson is a fucking cunt. Yeah. Where did it... I mean, you'll have answered these questions loads, but I love that we're a podcast that, instead of trying to delete you from existence, like all of the fucking non-story-owned publishers

and newspapers and all those journalists who try to reduce it, I want to know the story. What happened last year? You were like, I'm going to do this. Where did it come from? So last year, I'd put a book Kickstarter together for an autobiography that i wrote

about the time when you know the time i was kind of gigging and doing the fringe and all that and when i did the book kickstarter i got got to my target and then you have to do like a fucking stretch goal to try and get more people you're more people involved in it you know and so my stretch goal was to record a punk album because my stuff was always like plinky plonky electronic stuff that i recorded on my little bedroom studio but i'd always had this idea to do a punk album so my stretch goal was if i got a thousand backers for the book i'd do this punk album and the thousand backers all came through and then like fucking hell i've got to sort out a studio and a fucking band and all this, which took like over a year. But in the time we were doing it, Johnson became the Prime Minister and it became evident quite closely, quite soon,

that he was a useless fucking cunt. And so one of the songs I reworked for the punk album was this old song I had called If You Don't Like This Song, You're a Fucking Cunt. And we just reworked it into Boris Johnson is a Fucking Cunt. And it was just sat there on the punk album was this old song i had called if you don't like this song you're a fucking cunt and we just reworked it into boris johnson is a fucking cunt and it was just sat there on the punk album that i gave out to all all the backers and put it up on spotify and then just one day in september last year ginger from the wild arts tweeted a link to it on spotify and put christmas number one question mark and so it's totally organic yeah yeah completely weren't planned at all it

was just so is that the one that was like could people buy it independent of the album is that when it's yeah yeah they could because i just put it up to you know put it up onto itunes and and you know through the digital distributor so people could just go and buy it and it was ginger from wild arts doing that and then i know john malter who did the rage against the machine campaign in 2009 because he's from essex as well so he was so good so he then tweeted a link to it and then at the end of october charlie brooker tweeted a link to it and put christmas number one and it all just kind of happened organically from there i phoned up malter and just said do you think this could happen and he's like mate i think it's got a chance and so um yeah

i just put together a you know like this was really fucking quickly cobbled together a couple of different versions because we were in lockdown um you know it was like it weren't quite it weren't quite locked down at christmas 2020 was it but it it was... It was as good. It was like areas, tier four. Things were fucked. Yeah, I think things were basically fucked. So we just put together a couple of versions of it and just went for it. And in that week that people were buying it,

I was still cobbling together different versions and just getting a... I can remember being a fan, and obviously I was doing the streaming thing on my computer, and then it was like a community of cunt fans were going right there's a new version now so we've all got to go and download the new version now never listened to half of them if i'm honest but it was it was about just getting the sale and the streaming but that's that's the thing is you know when when the kind

of criticisms come in about it oh it's a shit song and you know oh it's only six words none of that matters because it's not the fucking point is it exactly yeah like you're just fucking missing the point someone messaged us and went why didn't you do a christmas song and you're like because we were fucking about yeah because we're not a710 yeah because we didn't sit in a boardroom going what would work this christmas we were fucking around fin Finn did basically a song about the pod that was all in jokes about my wife leaving. And then we were like, we should throw the money at a studio recorder.

We should just release it for Christmas No. 1. We never sat down and went, we'd like to get Christmas No. 1. Like you're saying, it just happened through just a beautiful set of events. It's not like you sat down and went oh well let's write a masterpiece and really try and take down christmas number one that's the thing it's like probably the least words i've ever put in a song that wasn't an instrumental but yeah but you know what those words those six words they really do resonate

don't they but do you know do you know what there's there's something to be said for having a very simple message for people to understand you know like that thing like you're saying your patreons don't automatically go and click that and if there's two clicks it makes it it's you know yeah yeah yeah because everything is so fucking instantaneous now keep it simple yeah just and it couldn't be any more simple to go in, here's a song called Boris Johnson, he's a fucking cunt. Do you agree with it or not? If you agree with it, go and get it. If you don't agree with it, well, fucking fine.

Go and, you know. Vote Tory and die early. Yeah. Sausage roll-based heart failure. Have you had any comeback from any government officials or anything? No, not really don't don't butler the labour mp tweeted all together now boris johnson is a dot dot dot and a little singing face in in the week but that's that's the only politician who may or may not have referred to

yeah i don't think you're gonna be the labour party conference hello can you come to blackpool could be the new things can only get better. Them doing that cheesy, trying to shake everyone's hand down the line. So last year you got number five. Yeah. Which is having played this game and knowing that you, I mean, this year we saw the fourth most sales

behind you, behind the Sausage Roll Nance, Lab Baby, and his pals. We were chuffed with that, but where we lost out is the streams. We just had no idea. Like when Mariah Carey is in the running for Christmas number one, and she's not sold one single copy,

it's just people on Spotify playlists playing it. How chuffed were you with fifth last year was it a surprise i mean yeah i was i was beyond fucking chuffed because last year we had no expectations and it went into the midweek at number 19 and then it felt like we had a little little dip just after that and then momentum kind of gathered as the because the newspapers all covered it last year at number when it got to number 19 the mail i think the express and you know and the mirror all done a little piece about you know this anti-boris johnson songs in the vine for christmas number one and that gave it the boost to get trying to slug you off i imagine if

it's the mail and no they were all they were all pretty just like, this is what it is, which I was really surprised about. But remember, the British press have to build something up before they cunt it off. Right. They never just cunt something off straight away. And so I think what they were building up towards was, we're just going to tell you what it is, and then we, you know,

and then I was sort of thinking, oh right, and then at the end of the week they're going to pull out the song about raping a paperboy and fucking finish me off. Just to check, that is a song. It's one of the catchiest songs. What's the trilogy called that I found out about? Wanking and Crying?

The Wanking and Crying trilogy. I haven't listened to this, but I've become a fan of you in the last couple of hours properly. Just hearing what your songs are about and what you call in your trilogies. Fucking amazing. 20 years of backstory there

to work your way through. There's a song that I listened to on the way here. It came on in Shuffle in the Car, which is why I can never have Shuffle on when I've got mum in the car. Barry's iPod is not welcome at kids' parties. It's because it's either...

Pass the parcel to Ivor. It's either, like, there's a good 90% chance it's going to be erasure. There's about a 2% chance it's going to be sparks. And there's a good 8% chance it's going to be cum. So one came on in the car on the way here and it's a song called 50 Things You Should Think About to Stop You Doing Your Beans, right? Which is 50 things to think about at the point of ejaculation.

To make it last longer. And it's like a list of the most horrific things but to a really upbeat tune and you can't have it come on and you can't not laugh at it what i mean some just in terms of like song titles i'm now intrigued are there any that just some of your favorites from over the years um wanking over a pornographic polaroid of an ex-girlfriend who died uh snappy title that's the longest one nobody spunks up a cunt anymore it's more of a nostalgia one that sexy jimmy saverland sexy kids yeah how have we not had you on this podcast already i feel like this was meant to happen oh my god

uh amazing so what so this year rolls around did you were you because you've not been gigging have you you've been uh you've been no i i packed up gigging in 2016 but i was just it was just me on my own up until that point you know just like trawling around in me full fiesta with me little hand puppet little cunt in a rucksack uh and it was it was quite you know i built a little following up but it was completely outside the circuit and outside outside of everything i started playing in like band venues and just kind of built it up and it was around the time myspace just kind of came about and youtube was just kind of starting off and so i've got a little you know a little audience around the country and i just go and play in pubs and band

venues to like 50 or 100 people and it gradually kind of built up to playing to like a couple of hundred in some places but it was always just like completely outside the circuit that's pretty punk isn't it if we're talking about punk i know it's not like yeah like genre wise but actually in like but but for me punk's not about you know the sound yeah there are four blokes with guitars and drums it's a mindset thing of doing what you fucking want speaking the truth when other people are trying to hide it and, you know. And fuck the system. Yeah, just fuck the system

because it's fucked, it's fucking you, so fuck it. Yeah. So last year happened and you hadn't been gigging for four years. No. Like.

No, no, no. It was completely like, it was organic in that way because through lockdown I started doing a youtube um show like every night i was going to do it every night of lockdown uh just reading a chapter from my book and i got right the way through the book uh you know thinking all right we're not we're not going to be locked down for a month are we and then of course oh jesus yeah

and so i finished the book after like 37 nights. What the fuck am I going to do now? And so I just kind of sung some songs. Cause I've got a back catalog of a couple of hundred songs, sung some songs, read stories from wank mags and the content just got. I used to fucking love them. You'll be too young for this.

Never done that. The magazines, like if you found your dad's pornos, like, you'd know every picture. you'll be too young for this never done that the magazines like if you found your dad's pornos like you'd know every picture like you'd be like you know the back of the hand

like the front of her pubes you would the I think my dad had a few mags that he thought he'd hidden and I knew exactly where the creases were the folds were

and then you'd be like you'd be you'd have looked at them so much that you sort of the pictures didn't do anything so then you'd be like you'd be you'd have looked at them so much that you sort of the pictures didn't do anything so then you actually start reading it like the the dirty wife stories and like the busty milfs and everything and some some pervs were like i know what works here yeah and that for the 13 year old dan nightingale i was like this is great um it's great it's great did you read them out yeah it's great

reading them in your 40s because you're just like this never happened it's never happened mike did it it's a bit like i've always fenced the girl from the bakers you've got to suspend disbelief in many ways porn bugs are like Harry Potter you know you don't want to get into the plot holes so when 2021 came around you've had number 5 is that sort of like just more

like you're a fan Barry was that like was your fan base after all the stuff you did in lockdown and reading about the girl at the bakery are you

at this point has it basically reignited everyone do you know that was that was the weird thing was just before christmas last year i've done those kind of lockdown shows and the content i was producing it got so dire the audience had dwindled from like you know like six or seven hundred at the start down to about 110 hardcore wrong-uns who were just there every night and would listen to me talking about

Vera Lim watching Prisoners of War get raped. It got really dark. It really fucking... Because you feel like you've got to keep raising the bar, but really you haven't. I feel like we relate to that on this. You're like, God, I feel like we've said so much. What about if we push it a little bit further?

Well, in some cases it was because when you were doing Cunts Corona Club, which was the lockdown thing, you had to have a warning, which was the pre-Me Too warning. Oh, yeah. Because as we were saying earlier, some things don't age well. Yeah. And so there'd have to be... I think raping a paperboy is timeless, though.

Is that fair to say? Do you know what? At the gig a couple of weeks ago, there wasn't a single person not singing. Honestly. And to be fair, some of them were retired paperboys. Some of them were paperboys.

Also, they're on bikes. They must have wanted it a bit. Anyway. They're all on e-scooters now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just wait till someone's battery's faded. You've got to straggle it. You can only go 15 miles.

I've just got this image of a paper boy going, come on. Just refusing to run. If the battery goes, I'm getting bummed. And some bloke in a Cortina behind him with a bag of sweets and some puppies going, any minute now. Do you think they've got the sweets and the puppies on the chase? Cortina's doing 15 miles an hour, but these are the fucking tools of the trade.

Come back! High speed sweet. So with this year how did i like how did it at what point in 2021 were you like did you know instantly you're gonna do it do it again no no because you sort of you can only get so much goodwill from people on on one idea and and like it Paul McCartney, I think, said, you can't reheat a souffle. And so I was very aware. And I had a conversation with Mortaroo,

did the Rage Against the Machine thing, you know, after the Boris Johnson thing last year. And it was him that made me aware of that phrase you can't really eat a souffle you know you think no he's right the moment the moment's gone and so when this year kind of come around a couple of people said you're going to do anything this year and you know like I feel like we did it last year um and then I went for went for a beer with more because we were talking about putting a book together about last year's chart thing.

Because the KLF had done this book called The Manual all about how to have a number one hit single, which is just one of my favourite reads. I fucking loved KLF. But it must have come out 20-something years ago. And so a lot of the kind of stuff in it is out of date now. Do you remember KLF? No, what's KLF?

KLF were like sort of hip-hop, were they? They came out as sort of hip-hop and rave scene, didn't they? Tammy Wynette. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was like the absolute ultimate. It was such a weird, like... But before they did the KLF, they had this group called the Time Lords, and they sampled Gary Glitter's rock and roll,

obviously pre-Shame Glitter, and mixed it up with the Doctor Who theme tune. And there's just this video of them in this American cop car just chasing all these Daleks made from cardboard boxes around. It's just fucking brilliant. And it got to number one. Punk. But it completely was, you know, outside of the fucking, like,

fuck the music industry, this is what we're doing. And so they wrote this book about it, which, you know, whenever I've gone to do anything, it's just really inspiring, just hearing people that were that far outside all the mainstream shit that you fucking get you know bombarded with day after day so me me and mortal were talking about writing a book you know about our experience and how to do it nowadays obviously like the world's changed a lot with social media you know and and podcasting you can get get a good fucking group of people to give you a you know a good start on something

shout out the lids and so so we yeah we we was um we were talking meant to talk up talk about that and uh i sort of said to him have you got anything in the this was like october time i said have you got sorry i've just fucking seen fake taxi up there i'm slightly distracted do you not know how this podcast ends it's a weird one Barry's a big fan

and he's going to show you at the end because yeah yeah he hasn't got money for a fair excellent I've got some room

in the back actually how to lose patrons there's a little keyo legs sorry um so so so yeah i met up with malta to talk about doing this book and said to him you know have you got anything going on for christmas this year and he went no he said like a couple of things but nothing that's really going to do anything and he said well you had any ideas i said well i did have one idea but i don't know whether i can be asked to do it.

It's to do Boris Johnson, who's still a fucking cunt, to the tune of Gary Glitter's Rock and Roll. And he just sat there and pissed his pants. And, you know, you think, I can't really be fucking bothered, but he went, you've got to do it, mate. I said, well, I'll put a demo together. So the next day, that's what I done, was just... Was it the repetition that was put in?

Because, like, as a comic,, obviously when you write a bit, you know what it's like, you've got a funny bit and then you're like, oh, that's good. And then you do it again and then you do it again. And it's never as good as that first time you get that first laugh from it. There is a point with material and jokes where you're like, oh, this works and you have to fuck it off. Otherwise it goes a bit stale.

Repetition is kind of not funny, isn't it? where you're like, oh, this works, and you're like, you have to fuck it off, otherwise it goes a bit stale. Yeah. Repetition is kind of not funny, isn't it? No, but it is the very fucking essence of pop music. Yeah. And also, with Lad Baby being such an annoying, dire, repetitive cunt, I mean, was that part of it as well? Like, well, if I'm doing it twice this con's doing it what four times do you know what at the start of it it wasn't because he he it was looking like

he wasn't going to do a record but i had in mind that he was going to pop up and pop up on elton and ed's one as an extra version of that to get his, his fourth number one. But as it turns out, they just fucking rerecorded Elton and Ed's one. So I sort of called it right, but, um, Oh, so he, he said third is the end.

No, no, they wanted to promote their fucking sausage roll book to kids. So they kept quiet about what they were doing for Christmas. Number one, so that they could, that's what I'm saying about giving people one fucking message when they want to buy something. Yeah.

Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. could that's what i'm saying about giving people one fucking message when they want to buy something yeah fair enough yeah yeah baby promoted their sausage roll book and then come out with a you know that's what we did wrong as well because we were we had a live show in december which is we yeah you were pushing so we had two things we were pushing and the message just got yeah skewed yeah but you only you only realize this after you've kind of done it a couple of times. Like, people need one message, one fucking button, and go, click. Yeah, well, like, we're self-taught doing this. You work it out as you go along. As long as you're doing it for the right reasons, you'll make a couple of mistakes along the way.

And to be fair to the lad, baby, they're successful at what they do. I fucking hate what they do. But they've obviously worked it out a little bit. There's just such an air of cynicism. Like cynical a lot of it the idea that someone can be become a millionaire from making charity records i think is just the product of a fucking fucked up tory society yeah you know and it it raised you know it raises money for food banks but fuck me like selling stuff off the back of poverty and hunger and like the food bank quires you know i mean it's just fucking it's just raping people's heartstrings and i think yeah when you basically admitted that you vote tory to then be like you we're going to raise money for food banks. Like there's a little more going on than this,

isn't it? Well, it's Jimmy Savile basically, isn't it? He's like, that's exactly what I was thinking. I'm doing all this good to divert people away from the bad thing I'm doing. You know,

I'm not saying Laer Baby's as bad as Jimmy Savile. That's rather bad. Even, even I was like, eh. Everyone else can make their own mind up about that, can't they? So they've made millions from their campaigns. But the food banks haven't made millions.

Of course, yeah. But they have. To be fair, they have raised a lot of money for those food banks, haven't they? But there's a lot of business going on in and around that. Comparatively, you never hear how much one of their campaigns makes for the food banks. And comparatively, compared to what they've made

off of sponsorship deals and knock-on sales of sausage roll food. And writing for the RAG as well. Writing for the enemy as well. They write for that paper. Who do they write for? Oh, the red one.

Yeah. Right, okay. Oh, there you go. I mean, it's just it couldn't be any more fucking Taurian system than that, could it? as well they write for that paper who do you write for oh the the red one yeah right okay oh there you go i mean it's just it couldn't be any more fucking torian system than that could it yeah yeah and so obviously in defense of that every time everyone will they've raised so much money for food banks which is positive yeah but when they've done such a good job of virtue signaling around that like yeah that's great that money raised is great but like they really that's what they've stood on at every point there's a lot more going on yeah so then again then again then again to be fair when we put our like i'm not i'm just trying

to play devil's advocate like we wanted our name to be out there and everything. Yeah, of course, yeah. But ours wasn't originally for charity. We were doing it for us. And we were like, you know what? We'll give the money to charity. Yeah, we didn't feel comfortable. We didn't start it as a charity thing. And we've raised over £245 for charity. You're welcome, guys.

Thanks for your support. It was that video we did leading up to it going, I don't think we're going to get it. Can you please, please support us? You're crying it in yeah fuck off if it didn't if it was just about getting the money to the food bank why was it so important to him that it was number one yeah just give money to the food banks it doesn't matter if it's number two and number three the important thing is as people are buying it and that food bank's getting the money the status of being number one shouldn't mean anything you know

and that's why we didn't, you know, we did it for the charities. It was really gracious of you to be bearing out the rice like that. Well, that's why we bowed out of the top 100. Because for us, that money raised for charity is so much more important than being in the top 100. It's too mainstream, the top 100. The top two.

Apart from for Cunt, which was really good. I like me for all right, slag. Cunt, which was really good. I don't know if you feel alright, slag man. Cunt, could you bring the mic a bit closer to you? Sorry mate. So you said you got to October

and you... So yeah, got to October and basically then just decided to demo it and just see what it came out like

and I just demoed it with the loops from the kind of original song and it played it to a couple of mates and it's like you've got to fucking do it you've got to do it and so i try not to ask for favors like all year round so when you do something like this you can just pull in pull in favors and um got a couple of people to remix it and just i up cassette boy yeah um just you know because because i knew he

you know he was a anti-tory and and and also just fucking amazing you know just another another form of punk in it like yeah exactly what he does yeah and so yeah hit him up just kind of out the blue and and he was up for it and done this fucking amazing version that also just like really kicked it on another level but i needed the video you did a proper video yeah yeah but but last year we were all in lockdown so we were all just shut in our sheds you know i just did a little animated thing on my computer last year but this year which is impossible to find online now yeah it got it got chucked off YouTube. And it was really funny. I'll stick it back up somewhere. Right.

Who did you get to play Boris Johnson in the... Because in the video, a police car is chasing around Boris Johnson. It's the... It's Hector 1. It's Hector, yeah. Oh, no, it's not. Of course it's the Ghostbusters car.

So I had this guy who lives around the corner to me. At Halloween, he does his house up with zombie stuff and has the Ghostbusters car parked out the front. And so I just went and knocked him up. It was on the drive. Just went and knocked him up. And I said, do you hire that out? He went, not really.

He said, I'll just stick it out the front of the house at Halloween. I said, what do you do with it the rest of the year? He said, that's just me right at the work. And so I just said to him, fancy R in it. He went, what's it for? I went, well. And explained about it. And he'd heard of the song last year.

And he just went, oh, yeah, I suppose so. And so, yeah, he let us borrow his car. But because we were going to film it like a bit of a drive away, and it's an R-Edge Volvo, he said, do you mind if I just drive it there and then you can kind of drive it? We were going to hire this airstrip, but it turned out the farm was a cunt, so we didn't. And we got a mate's kind of industrial yard to film it in.

And it looks like people get murdered, don't they? Oh, there was some bobbly bits of ground there as well. Yes. Yeah, there was some bobbly bits of ground there as well. Yeah, yeah, definitely. It looks like, you know, in Snatch at the end

when it all starts going fucking a little bit pear-shaped and they're on that like waste ground and the dog fucks up. It's got that vibe on it.

Yeah, so, yeah, so it was a couple of days before and I thought, oh fuck, we ain't got anyone

to play Boris Johnson. So I rang up Kevin who's Ghostbusters car it was a couple of days before, and I thought, oh, fuck, we ain't got anyone to play Boris Johnson. So I rang up Kevin, whose Ghostbusters car it was, and said, listen, you're going to be there. Do you fancy being Boris Johnson? And he went, this gets weirder and weirder. But he did it, and he was fucking brilliant. This guy's game, isn't he?

Could you lend us Hector One? Could you also run around and play Boris Johnson? But he just got it straight away. Turned up in his blue suit, done that little run like he'd shit himself, like you imagine Boris would. Yeah, it was great. The fucker can't stand up properly.

Like it's not, yeah, the waddle. The weird little running waddle. I really liked the retro Top of the Pops video you did. That was the original video. Oh, was that the original one? That was the one we were going to do for it. And we'd done that at our rehearsal room, just, you know, blacked it up, the room, not ourselves.

And just made it look like an old Top of the Pops studio. Got half a dozen. It looked really convincing. This interesting kind of extra sort of dancing around like they did in 70s Top of the Pops. And then Saville makes a brief cameo yeah a little easter egg of savel um and then so how did it how did like we watched you go towards the top and we were disappearing away like genuinely like how i just how did you do it like i mean it's so it's fucking great where

did you end up you ended fourth ended up at four five five at the end of the way okay i mean without without any coverage without being mentioned by anyone like it was all social media and just your fans and so this last last year i would have said it got to number five because all my people went and bought it in the first day, all me hardcore people, and then the kind of people that are on the mailing list who aren't Patreons or regular viewers of the Corona, you know, me kind of online show,

your kind of secondary group of fans would kind of find out about it through the buzz on social media and then after them it would go out to just the general public and people going like well i'm you know i mean boris cancelled christmas midweek last year so then it went out to them but this year i think it was purely like hardcore fans and the sort of secondary group of fans just went and bought all the fucking versions of it. And so when it didn't go out via the press, it didn't matter because we had a kind of solid base there. And you had a very strong message that really still like,

I mean, never in my lifetime has there been a prime minister that you are so wholeheartedly convinced is still a fucking cunt. No, no, but that's the thing. He's the best PR man you can fucking get because he is just a cunt. And he lies, you know, like prime ministers before have fucking lied. But you've got to do it better, haven't you? Yeah, he just lies so fucking blatantly,

and the worst thing about him, is like, I feel genuinely fucking, like nostalgic about Theresa May. That's fucking awful, isn't it? You know, but,

but, gone too soon. Yeah, he's, he's such a cunt, and, and then, just before the end of the week,

Lab Baby, in an interview with the official charts website, came out and slagged off people that had bought our song. Said, like, you know, basically they asked him about the runners and riders in the Christmas number one race. And while he was crying, dabbing his tears with £20 notes going, I don't even think they're giving it to food banks. Yeah, he's dabbing his eyes with a sausage roll, but still found time to just, he called people that bought the song a certain sort of person.

And it just fucking. And the rage that went through us. We all went right. And we all changed our Twitters to that sort of person. You get him, Barry! We were like, fuck him! And then you released them all on Bandcamp and we were

also fired up. We were like, fuck it, throw another six quid in. You can do a 50p on Bandcamp. It was a multi-tiered approach. Well, well done, mate. It's fucking brilliant. And yeah, what a way to fuck the system.

I love it that they were all against you and tried to basically delete it from existence. And it got the momentum because we know how hard it is to pitch in and around that top 10. And that's fucking ace. So are you gigging again now? Is this the start of you?

I've done half a dozen gigs before Christmas with the band because we're sort of like a four-piece punk band now. You went to one of them, didn't you? You went to Nottingham? Yeah, I went to Nottingham. All right, cool. Is it Nottingham? Because they would say Nottingham.

Nottingham. How do you say Nottingham? Nottingham. Because I say Ingram, but then again, I'm Geordie. Nottingham? Because they would say Nottingham How do you say Nottingham? Because I say Ingram but then again I'm Geordie Nottingham I think people in Nottingham say Nottingham What are the, you said before there were seven questions that you put on every post Oh yes because you

did a sort of post-match report after Christmas where you thanked everybody and then had a few criticisms of some of the press, but then also you had seven questions. Yeah. A lad, baby. Yeah. Which I believe they're not.

I haven't had any answers to them as yet, but I mean, they haven't got to answer me. I just think if they're going to go and do charity records in future, it's just kind of things that need talking about in terms of personal gain and gain for your charity and just being transparent about how much of people's 99p goes towards the charity because I think there's a lot of PR companies

and record companies taking a cut of it. Yeah, when you say profits, it's not a catch-all, is it? Well, I saw Elton John, Ed Sheeran and the Trussell Trust all tweet saying all proceeds go to charity. And it's not all proceeds, is it? It's all profits. And, you know, no one knows what the profits are which i don't want to i don't want to keep going on about it because it looks like sour grapes but i can't compete with a fucking you know

like a big multi-million pound fucking pr company yeah and he fucking started anyway exactly he fucking started it well it takes a certain sort of cunt to keep fucking ramming sausage rolls down the public's fucking throat, doesn't it? Yeah. But the thing is, is everything he posts now on social media, whenever he flags it up, and I think it'll happen forevermore because people have got a little screen grab of those seven questions. Anytime he does anything, people are just going to post those seven questions. I think he's done now.

I think Twitter have found him out. But the thing is, he'll just, I think he'll go crying to I think Twitter have found him out. But the thing is, he'll just... I think he'll go crying to the fucking rag. Do you think? There's a sob story. You know, do the Twitter trolls thing. He'll come off Twitter

and then they'll just stay on YouTube and Instagram. Yeah, maybe. Oh, fuck him. I'm bored of talking about that cunt anyway. Away from the charts, I wanted to ask you about what I think is one of the funniest most inventive stunts that i saw performed as part of the comedy industry that is edinburgh

um when are we talking with you at the fringe when you're talking the noughties uh 2009 to 2016 all right i've done the whole the whole thing from 2009 to 2016. All right. Okay, cool. I've done the whole thing from 2009 to 2013 or 14. Right. And then just went up for a couple of odds and sods. Yeah. Which is a lot easier, isn't it? Yeah.

Just having a little jolly up and then being like, I can't be arsed in a full month. But do you know what? I quite like the full month because you get the whole, you know, you get the whole fucking gamut of emotions, don't you? It's like the full rollercoaster ride. Oh, it's intense, yeah.

You know, of being there for the build-up, you know, the middle bit and the triumphant finale or not. A few tears in the middle. Yeah, definitely. It comes a bit of a slog, that three or four weeks. Yeah, because you were never part of the is the comedy industry you know you were never like you didn't do circuit gigs for example did you or you know because it's a bit in your book where you talk about speaking to big agents and

they were just very dismissive and very and then that's when you decided i'm just going to do this on my own terms yeah um so then you went up did the fringe which the circuit seems to think of it being its own thing and then you went up and continued to play your own game and that involved a bit of promotion involving some stickers and i and you won the cunning stunt award for it so just wondering if you could do you know about what happened with the stickers? Go on. So I'd done a couple of years, a full run at the Meadow Bowl,

which was a little kind of upstairs venue. Oh, I already, I've just remembered what the stickers are. Yeah. Because I was at the Fringe, same time as this. I was doing full shows, same time.

Oh, right. Yeah, I know. Go on. Did you get stickered i don't did you have your mouth open on your poster or were you bent no no so i i don't think i did also i didn't have any money so i didn't have loads of posters out yeah if you were putting these stickers on me you were like halfway to fucking like clyde bank it was like i was my posters weren't around yeah i i a few bigger comedians go it's just not funny we spend thousands of pounds oh i had all that and and do you want to tell everyone what is it for the people who don't know so so what it was a the first couple years going up the fringe you give out flyers and the standard thing is you have

5 000 flyers done and you have to go out and just basically distribute them to people that don't really want to take them they've already been given 4 000 flyers that particular day and so i had the idea to have stickers done instead that i'd give to people as they left the show each night and they could go and stick them on other people's posters to advertise my show. And they were stickers in the shape of a crudely drawn cock and bollocks. And I've got to be honest, I didn't, I didn't think of it as a publicity stunt and it was just meant to, to save me the fucking effort of going and giving out flyers.

And so on each bollock was a little QR code that people could scan it and have all the details to the show. And so we were fucking everywhere. They were fucking everywhere. And the more prominent the poster, there are a few spots in Edinburgh around Teviot Square as you walk down past

the museum, the courts there's one, there's like some really big, and they the campaigns that they are 10 20 30 000 pound advertising campaigns and more so the more prominent the poster the bigger they are and there are a lot of open mouths there are a lot russell kane russell kane had one with him going every one of those posters I saw had a cock right at these cots. Mate, Russell Kane's never done a poster that doesn't look like he's about to get bummed or something.

Oh, he's like, he loves it. He knows what he's doing. Yeah, I remember saying at the time, his poster looked like it had a cock photoshopped out of it. Fucking love. I love Barry's laugh. I love when Barry really goes. So I was,

because I wasn't at the fridge then, but I was watching it from afar, finding it so entertaining. The professional clowns were getting really upset that their posters were getting cocks and balls stuck on them. Comedians can be the least funny cunts. People had a real sense of humour by a pass about it.

It's Edinburgh. It's the Edinburgh Festival. It's not meant to be fucking funny. But because I've been drinking all the, you know, the clicking bars and stuff, I had a couple of mates who were sort of doing shows up there who said, like, you know, they had over a people in the bars going, that fucking prick.

Well, he's going to get his when Avalon's suing for 50 grand. You know, just like really fucking looking forward to the demise of it. But I think it was maybe, was it like five or six days in, Alex, who run the free fringe that I used to, the free festival that I used to play, just rung me up and said, listen, mate, you're going to have to stop giving the cocks out. Because I envisaged me stood by the door,

because you know you do a bucket collection on the free fringe at the end of the night. And I thought I'd be giving one person a cock at the end of the night in an orderly fashion. But people were just grabbing big handfuls of them. And that's why after a few days, Edinburgh wasburgh was just plastered with them but um i had to remember i remember the wind you had two guys turn up um from the uh uh edinburgh city environmental in their stab vests and hives just basically with all these photocopied um sheets where they'd taken photos and they

basically said to me they'd spent all day pulling off over 100 cocks but then it led to the phenomena of the ghost cock which was when the sticker had been peeled away it would peel off the bottom of the poster so you just see the shape of a ghostly cock so they didn't go away. Like a tan line. But what had you done wrong there? Just be the face of other people's posters. People don't like to see

themselves with a cock near their face. Yeah. It's a fact. Apart from Russell Kane. Who doesn't mind? One comedian came up and got me up against the wall and went like, if I see one of those stickers on my posters, and I was like, fuck off. You haven't even had a sticker on your poster yet.

I'm sort of gutted that I didn't get it. I had one little fucking poster, like, draw a little dick. This one's for you, Dan. Just feel part of the gang. Someone who hadn't had a dick on their poster got annoyed on behalf of About the idea of having a dick on their poster. Oh my god.

Edinburgh's so commercial and wonky now. It's gone from being like a fringe arts festival to just a really corporate works fair. And the challenge of that is not appreciated anymore. There's too much money to be made. It's not the point. It's not meant to be the point. I had a mate who went up and done a cabaret show,

done 23 nights in a 100-capacity venue, 12 quid a ticket, completely sold out, and come out of the fringe breaking even. It's just a fucking big business isn't it the best fringe i ever had was in 2018 and i was pleased as punch because i broke even and paid for some of my accommodation still lost money but i was like yes it's a fucking weird game up there you sort of can't win um amazing fucking amazing i totally forgot about that but it was i was there that that year the cock yeah the cock yeah did um did anybody who was coming to see the

shows at the fringe did anybody obviously with a you know a name like cunts in the gang you'd hope people would know what they're coming into did Did you ever get many walkouts of people being really offended? Yeah. I mean, that's the surprising thing is, you know, you get two or three songs in and you'd see people, you know the thing when someone's offended and they do this and then the arms just kind of get higher and higher because of the way, I mean, I'm sure it's the same with stand-up is you you uh

the way you work your set is you put a bit of gentle stuff in to get people on board and then you build to the good stuff yeah and and then at the end you can kind of take them on a ride they weren't really expecting but i was sort of finding three or four songs in you'd see people that were just like looking really irate and so i just started at the start of the start of the show was just basically saying some of you aren't gonna like this here's your disclaimer you've got three songs to fuck off and and if at the end of it you're still there with a face like a slapped ass i'm gonna single you out and so uh people would kind of after one or two songs get up and and walk out. And you'd see some people in the crowd going,

and I'm like, no, no, that's fine. You know, they can go now, but if they're still there in a song's time, then they're going to fucking get it. So you got a three-song amnesty? Yeah, three-song amnesty, basically. But after that? After that, yeah. Did anyone with the arms folded stick around?

No, once you do the amnesty people kind of understand understand what it is but it's it that's the thing with with the fringe because i was doing the free gigs people don't always have that investment of if they've although you know i went went to paid gigs and saw the same thing happen you know people kind of walking out and and echoing and disgruntled. But the free gigs, I think if you've got a group of six or seven people on a Friday night and a couple of them don't like it, it might be that why you've got people in. Yeah. Yeah.

Edinburgh can be amazing, can't it? But ultimately there's a lot of people just trying to find a show that makes sense at that time and they they look around, Cunningham the Gang. Maybe it's some sort of challenging, gritty poetry. Sort of is. Four songs in. I used to be a paper boy. The weird thing is you could never really predict who it was going to be.

Because I remember one night looking at at the front row and there's this old couple of you know 70 odd and next to them like a young lad and his girlfriend and you just think how are these fucking old dears going to cope with this and you know a couple of songs in you'd be half way through Chips

or Tits or Gentleman's Wash they'd be sat there laughing like a drain and the bloke and his girlfriend are having a row about it, you know. You can't predict who's going to like it and who's not. You can never judge a cunt by its cover. Is that what you say?

Quite, quite. Yeah, right. Okay, cool. Yeah, that is true. Do you remember the live show, Carl, when I was like, I sort of took the piss out of some, I think I took the piss out of like an older couple

and they were one of the biggest laughers as well. Oh yeah, they were like 70s. They were really into it. Yeah. I fucking love it. Good on them. Because a good sense of humour is not always about your age, isn't it?

No, it's not, is it? Because, you know, you think like people that were punks are in their 60s now. So this is what I always say to people. Don't feel sorry for old ladies that are walking around Marks and Spencers in their slippers,

because in wartime, they were just sucking all the cocks. I feel so sad that you've not met Adam. Really? Yeah, we've had that conversation. I just think, I think he might have given you a little fucking round of applause.

Lad, exactly. We'll meet again don't know where, not in me eye amazing, is there anything more you want to add Barry before we call a break, because this one's been meaty before we have the break I just want to ask you, what's on the

horizon, what's coming next well, the next thing was going to be, I'm back up the fringe this year with Shannon Matthews' The Musical. What? I don't know who Shannon Matthews is. I wrote Shannon Matthews' The Musical in 2009, 2010, and no one was ever going to put it on, so I recorded it as like an audio musical.

Look at Benny's face. Again, Carl, it's really catchy. There's one song called Shannon Ain't Dead, She's Under My Bed, right? Which is, it's a proper tour tap. Bring Shannon home. By the way, if you've not, if you don't know the story that we're talking about,

just pause, have a little Google and come back. Bring her home. My beautiful princess daughter. Yes, so that's coming to the fringe this year. I never thought anyone would ever put it on, but a theatre company from Yorkshire are putting it on. That's amazing. So that was going to be the next thing,

but I think I discovered it's the Queen's Platinum Jubilee this year and obviously the Sex Pistols had their thing in 77 where they released God Save the Queen to coincide with the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations so I'm going to do something to coincide with the Queen's Platinum Jubilee celebrations

at the end of May Wow It's not going to be a celebration though is it yeah my thing yeah well i'm getting the vibe it's not going to be positive are you allowed to say you are i mean i'm toying with a couple of ideas at the moment but there is one of her sons in particular who seems to be in the news quite a lot I wonder which one that is have you ever spent Christmas on

pedo island yeah I think I'm a big fan of Prince right well good luck mate and I will look forward to that and we will not even attempt to challenge.

And we'll get behind you this time. Because Barry was like, cunt in the gang for Christmas number one. We were like, you fucking rat. I know, I got all of the Havre Word fans having a go at me. For Platinum Jubilee. Cunt in the gang for Platinum Jubilee number one.

They'll be on side, no. I think next Christmas, I'd like to see you both do your own thing. But then I think next Christmas I'd like to see you both do your own thing but then I think like a collaboration of Havre Word

and Cunt and the Gang fans could definitely make a push for number one I should give us a couple of years I've got PTSD from Christmas

number one if I have to think about Mariah Carey's big sloppy tits getting number five without selling one fucking record that game is broken

you nearly won it why am I number three. Oh, great. Good. Sorry, I forgot that you've got... Sorry, sorry, lads. Where can we find you? Because a lot of our lot will be, I think,

intrigued, to say the least. Where can we... We usually do this at the end, but I feel after talking about what you're up to this year, where can we find you? Where can we... My central... I thinkg.co.uk and there's links to all my socials from there.

I'm on Twitter and Facebook and all that sporadically and YouTube. Nice. Yeah, katg.co.uk. Was that your phone going off? That was a little, oh, fucking hell, I'm playing the game. Ting!

Yeah, that was a little console. I I'm playing the game ting that was a little console alarm like ting you fucking sell out every time every time you try and promote something yeah yeah

that's a little bit of your soul going yeah yeah oh god you're a little bit less punk yeah let's have a quick break and then we'll come back

with some bits wag wag lids it's Dan hope you're enjoying today's episode do us a favour if you're watching on YouTube like the's Dan Hope you're enjoying Today's episode Do us a favour If you're watching on YouTube Like the video

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Back to the episode Right final section It's at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode. Right, final section. I'm going to whack out the have a words now. Everyone knows the score, don't they? Have a words. Have a word with either me or my missus, please. My daughter, who's 12, has just run up almost £60 extra on her phone bill from sending gifts emojis and pictures to her mates through normal messaging as we took whatsapp and all

forms of free messaging off her phone as she was being stupid with them doing prank calls and being in group chats where they're absolute cunts to each other i've said she should pay the 60 quid back from her pocket money each week to teach her a lesson, but my missus says no, as she wasn't aware that you get charged sending anything other than texts on SMS. So a disgruntled dad is asking for our judgment here. How old is she, though? She's 12.

The shit I did when I was like 16 with pranks. Right. 12 is fine. 12 is fine, but it's 60 quid and he's not happy. I think that fuckwit has got to pay the 60 quid himself for leaving her with a phone. If you're going to punish her, don't leave her with a phone.

Yeah. Yeah. It is a little bit frightening, but I've got a daughter and she's gonna have a phone and like i don't know at what age though if you've got a phone should you not know yeah then i'm so sort of siding with you have you got kids have you are you are you a responsible no i've got a four four five year old daughter and she's going on like 25 and i she got a phone no but it's going to be a matter of time because you try and be a parent that's not

on the phone and then these guys are whatsapping me and then i'm like oh shit let's check the patreon again and then you're like and then you do the loop and she's like daddy on your phone and then she wants to be on the phone on youtube kids it's so tempting for them to want to be on this phone everything's on there though so you're looking at it the whole fucking time yeah i hate being on the phone but i'm on there the whole fucking time so everything's on there and i know she's gonna get to 10 11 years i don't know even when kids are meant to get phones you get kids phones now so my niece who is seven got a kid's phone for christmas right essentially just like there's one app and it's a it's a kid's phone for Christmas. Right. And it's essentially just like, there's one app, and it's an instant messenger app.

So if another kid, like her friends in school have got it, it's easy to monitor. So they can practice bullying. Yeah, yeah. Because you build up to it. But there's no internet. You can't access anything bad,

but you can message each other. You see, I'm kind of on the side a little bit. That sounds good. Can I do this? That's what Dan's on now. He can't message anyone. He's just on there looking at numbers and shapes. Circle. I don't think it's necessarily her fault

because like they say, she didn't know that you get charged by sending these messages. So I don't blame the daughter. I don't think she should have to pay it back i think it's the person who gave it but at the same time i would like to put forward emotion you fucking changed i'd like to ban gifts and like you know when you get gifts on page has anyone ever laughed at a gift we've got gifts buddy know you have, because I got fucking spammed with all of them when I said buy a single, right?

So I got about 400 gifs of you looking like that at me. I have to admit, I don't mind a gif, but if it was charging me anything, I would never use a gif. 50p to watch that woman go with a bit of coffee. Oh, fuck off. Do you know, Barry, that we contact each other via a phone a lot and I'm now going to gif the shit out of you.

I'm going to try and communicate solely in gifs. Hearing it's 50p to send a gif makes me want to spit my coffee out. It does. Did you ever do any pranks when you were little? Surely you did, if you've grown up to be a prankster what on the phone no like just in we were prankster when you were a kid uh

i just i like i like silly i like silly fucking pranks so my uh my long-suffering girlfriend uh hates horror films right but i always used to make her watch horror films and then at the end of the horror film i'd always do something just just fucking ridiculous so we watch this film creep yeah yeah oh that's the one i lent you that's the one i scared the shit out of vicky with yeah it's a quite a scary horror film it's all set on the london underground yeah yeah and there's some weird tortured fucked up thing that's had experiments been experimented on and the german girl gets drunk after a night out falls asleep and she falls asleep and she's locked in the underground and it's haunting her yeah so so what i've done after after watching that was i went and got under the

covers wearing a bold yeah bold head wig and then when my girlfriend came through from doing her nightly ablutions and pulled the covers back and she collapsed like if someone had taken all the bones out of her body see i love that that kind of prank he's my that's my kind of prank so it's not done on me we're talking yeah yeah i love pranks as long as it's not down on me. We're talking for you. I love pranks. As long as no cunt does them on me. When we lived together in Manchester, two years I think we were there, weren't we? Yeah. In a rented house.

Barry's OCD made it look like every day, of the 700 days we lived there, every day looked like the day we'd just moved in. As it should. There wasn't anything ever. It was like he was trying to just like i don't know get rid of evidence it was it was like we i've never lived anywhere like it you're like where's the coffee table but i was like it was in the wrong place and it's just like you clean to the point everything just disappeared like i actually started feeling

bad because it was like i was using your illness to just not do any washing up you're like well i've made pasta and if i leave the plate there i will wash it up eventually but i know full well that within 18 minutes barry will have huffed his way down the stairs and done it for me it's win-win then isn isn't it? Well, not for me, because I'd be there going, fucking cunts, I can't wait to move out of here. I fucking hate this house. So we watched Creep, me and my girlfriend Vicky, who I absolutely loved to bits.

Thought she was fucking great. She was a little Geordie girl. And I thought it'd be funny because she was like, hey, I'm dead scared of horror films. I was like, oh, brilliant, because I'm not. And I think it'd be fun to make you jump jump so about three quarters of the way into the film it's really getting she was like oh i i was like i need the toilet and she was like right it's middle of winter it's pitch black outside it's one of these rented properties that hasn't got

curtains in the living room because barry probably fucking binned them dirty dusty things in the fucking skip and uh instead of going upstairs i pretended to go upstairs to the toilet i went out the kitchen door around the back and obviously at night can't really see what's going on in the garden can you can just see a reflection of the living room and just waited for a pause and she was there like nervously waiting i fucking rattled the window and i thought she'd like go oh my god you're so god fucking hell she cried so much like i thought she'd be like oh god you made me jump and let's go and have great sex she was really upset and i got no sex miss jones absolutely fully deserved i know you're crying now but can we bang later no i am a twat you're right um right so in this situation barry

let's have you as we've got the gavel there do you want to sit in judgment all i'm saying is 12 year like i've got a near five year old and she's pretty fucking smart she's already working things out 12 these aren't fucking little kids like is there going to be any recompense for this 60 pounds or is it just like oh you've made a mistake because i don't want to work it like this with my daughter when it gets to it i want some sort of paying back from the pocket money maybe i think would it not be better if the dad did like a debt collection company thing? Where? Broke her legs. Right. There's a fucking proper North East thing.

Yours, 20 pounds. Throw her off a car park. Or a knee. Very nice reference. What about if it was like, listen, it's a 60 pound debt, but if we call it 20, you can pay in instalments now. If you pay in the next two weeks, it's half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a parking ticket.

Yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna judge this that she is ordered to pay £20 of that £60. Okay. Considering she's a kid and she didn't know what she was doing, she'll learn a lesson. I suppose. Yeah. Alright. But I'm on her side, I think. Even if she's going to She'll learn a lesson, I suppose. Yeah. All right.

But I'm on her side, I think. Even if she starts to piss him off, then go for it. It's a mistake. 20 quid. 20 quid when you're 12 is a lot of fucking money, isn't it?

Yeah. Plus, I'm old, so I feel like 20 quid's fucking loads. This next one's relationship-based. All right, lids.

Need you to have a word with me. I dated this girl for a while. By the way, cunt, we've got a, do you remember Sad Song? I know you can't hear it. We're playing that underneath because we just really like to hammer home the emotion. All right, lids. Need you to have a word with me. I dated this girl for a short while.

Everything was going great. We were really into each other. Then she ended things suddenly when I met her family, saying she didn't want a relationship and wouldn't let me have the conversation to clarify our feelings. This happened a few months ago

and I've dated multiple girls since, but she's still the only one in my head. Do I just need to bury it and move on or do I owe it to myself to give it a second chance? That's from Tom. I think we're missing a bit of the story there.

Go on. So he's saying that he met the parents and all of a sudden she's not interested. Yeah. What happened to the parents? Yeah, what did he do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done something there, hasn't he? Right. Said something racist. Said something racist? Maybe. What would that be,

Carl? Just out of interest, imagine what you could say to your in-laws. All right. Good. I'll be... We have got

Cunton the gang on the couch. You asked me what he could have said. And you're the one. I didn't say it. And we're going to be like, Jesus. I never thought I'd look to cunt and the gang

to be on the right side of not getting cancelled. Yeah. I don't think we need... If Tom's not telling us the story, we're not getting the story. He needs to follow up with what he did. I think basically you've got a nasty case If Tom's not telling us the story, we're not getting the story. He needs to follow up with what he did. I think basically you've got a nasty case of the in-laws are cunts.

I think we need to hear from the in-laws. Can we get the in-laws emailing in? Oh, because they sound like Have A Word fans, don't they? Get her mum and dad, who are probably patrons of Have A Word, to message in. They might be cunt fans. They might be listening in.

Right. You never know. Never judge people. They've probably gone be gone i don't like him there's something about him and she's gone okay because she's a spineless bitch tom's got something of the night about him yeah big serial killer right yeah yeah just that's the vibe i'm getting reading between the lines and so poor old tom's getting levelled here Tom's the only one that actually listens to the podcast and we've all turned him

he's done something why does Tom keep himself to himself then he's got something to hide oh yeah I don't care if Tom's done

anything wrong I don't care what happened at that meeting but if you've got feelings for this girl you need to jog

the fuck on because having a partner whose parents are a cunty, annoying, or hate you is just such a terrible thing to sign up for. I don't know where you are with your partners and their fucking parents, but my mother-in-law is so sound. If I'd have met her quicker when I met Laura, the whole thing would have been expedited.

I would have been like, I really fancy you, Laura, and we've got a great sense of humor. She'd introduced me to Jude, the most chilled out mother-in-law fucking ever. We'd have been engaged and married even quicker. And that was on fast track because I'm a bored looking nonce. That is, this is how sound my mother-in-law is. She borrowed my laptop,

went onto Google, and was looking for a website or was searching something that started with P. I hadn't cleared my history, all of the Pornhub suggestions, because my laptop's like, right, Dan, we don't usually do this in the afternoon, but no worries. I've got all your saved Pornhub searches. Because my laptop's like, right, Dan, we don't usually do this in the afternoon, but no worries.

I've got all your saved Pornhub searches. It must have just gone, filth, filth, filth, filth, filth, filth, filth. And she just literally looked sideways and went, oop, and then carried on. What a fucking trooper. Why wouldn't you do that? Get yourself a mother-in-law. She never said anything.

No, she's so. Just made a little whoop. She just went oop! Everyone watches porn. There we go. Everyone watches porn. I'm glad it was just a little whoop. I'm glad she didn't just start reading out

lesbian bukkake. What if she started to recommend it? Oh, I don't like that one. Oh, squirting. Must be. Oh, right. 18-year-old squirting on a 14 year old Japanese boy no I don't think she's seen that one

yeah there's sound and then there's worrying isn't there is that the beats like to paper boy yeah if my mother-in-law

was like oh these are boring you want to try this you need sound in-laws don't you i don't know any relationship you've been in it's going to be so much harder if you have to have tea around the house of a pair of twats yeah every other sunday so tom he's had the luckiest guy yeah he has he'll live to murder again yeah yeah just wait till an e-scooter battery's running out from before um one more and then we will bounce uh this is from an anonymous uh correspondence

um have you ever developed an unusual fetish or kink i think mine is getting out of hand and i want to know if it's okay or if I need to seek help. So here it goes. It all started about a week beforehand. Oh, it all starts about a week beforehand. You want to start masturbating about three times a day. And when you're about to come, you have to stop and really blue ball yourself. Then you want to start eating magnesium supplements and cloves of garlic, as many as you can take. After about a week of this, I book myself a cheap local flight,

normally to Poland or Bulgaria. Then I tip... What? Then I tip off the airline, saying someone is smuggling drugs, and give my description. As I walk through the airport, I get stopped at...

Nah. Let him finish. Because if it was bullshit, I love the fact that he's gone to this much fucking trouble to write out. As I walk through the airport, I get stopped at security and I get taken into the back office. As soon as my pants are down, I'm practically

quivering. Has this got a vibe? It's a wank meg story. Now all the wank megs have gone out of business oh and it would they always had titles literally asama wank larden um right hang on let me let me finish it because if it is bullshit it's got to be as soon as my pants are down i'm practically quivering. The second the officer puts their finger in my ass, I just literally explode. Gallons and gallons have come. The magnesium supplements only add to the amount.

As it's splattering all over the room and staff, the officer normally starts barking because of the smell from the garlic. I'm not gay, but I figured you can do this about three or four times before you're bar smell from the garlic. I'm not gay but I figured you can do this about three or four times before you're barred from the airport. Mic drop. This person has an interesting imagination. Amazing. Is it?

It's got to be that shit. Is it going to be bullshit? Yes. You know what? It does have the feeling. There's a level of detail in there that makes me think it's for real the actual little thought is made the magnesium sulfate or whatever it was yeah when when you've you've done a lot of research if if it's not true he wants to do it he's gonna do it at some point there was there was not tom again is it and i told this story

in front of my future in-laws and they didn't like it. The practically quivering is straight out of the made-up bullshit story from Wank Mags. Straight out, Russell, yeah. There was a few lines

that I really think showed that it wasn't one of them because the magnesium supplements only adds the amount. There was a few lines that I really think showed that it wasn't one of them because the magnesium supplements only adds the amount. There was never that level of Holland and Barrett detail in like Razzle. I mean, any kink or fetish that I've got. That's not a kink. No, no, it's not.

Any kink or fetish I've got, it's never even going to like i mean if adam was here it'd be like wow like uniforms and tennis players i think if your kink and fetish involves a passport and a fucking if you're getting finny van to the airport if you're getting fingered by passport security and your kink then you've gone too far if it involves a man i mean and you've lived by that for a long time. If your kink involves air travel or anything to do with an airport. Magnesium.

Or magnesium. Well, come on. Not anything to do with an airport. If you have to fly anywhere for your kink, you're in bother. It's a slippery slope. You're going to end up in a cell with glitter. Yeah.

Unless it was Gislaine Maxwell asking and then I'd be like book me some tickets Ghislaine. I'm never going to change it. I don't care what her name is. How do you say it? Ghislaine.

Ghislaine. Or Ghislaine. How have you been saying it? Ghislaine is it? Ghislaine. Ghislaine. Well I've not said it very much. That's so funny.

That was the flight path he took to Peter Island. The Ghislaine. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Ghisllein Maxwell is pretty fit I literally just said the same thing She's got a stupid little bowlet An haircut

She's got a proper carom bowlet I think it's the fact she's a sex trafficker It adds a little A je ne sais quoi A je ne sais quoi A Gislein Ciquard Fuck I know she dies in the next week Doesn't tear me on that. A je ne sais quoi. It doesn't. A je ne sais quoi. A je ne sais quoi. Fuck, and I hope she dies in the next week. Cool.

Is that going to be our Christmas number one for next year? Fuck Gislein, and I hope she dies in the next week. Yeah. While wearing a gilet. Yeah. Wearing a gilet for Gislein. I'd smash the flaps off her. I think she's fit. I don't care don't care i like it's a little bit i know she's a sex trafficker but she could sex traffic me it's not a little bit it's not a

little bit she's not going to be in prison for sex tracking for bald 40 year olds from preston is she if anything it's like charity work that's my swimming with dolphins um uh so i i don't know man like i'm not gonna kink shame you're all fucking easy jet here thinks you're a pervert just for fucking having a travel pillow no i i i may be a bit old school and traditional in some of my values, but that sounds either bullshit or just far too complicated. I like a vagina, a working vagina. A phone that doesn't talk back too much. Cracking sentence, Gromit. Yeah, I don't know, man.

Genuinely, I'm the in-house perv. That's wild, isn't it? Yeah. You know, sometimes when you crack one out, you feel like a bit like... What happens then? Yeah, you have to get a return flight. Yeah, what's he doing then?

Does he get on the plane or...? Yeah. Well, I suggest wet wipes initially, and then the flight of shade. Sounds like a full clean-up team. £500 clean-up team, please. Anyway, that was from Sting. Let's call it a pod.

Cunt, what a fucking treat mate thanks for having us thanks for entertaining our bollocks at the end as well it's been great hearing your story everyone

go and have a look katg.com ko.uk ko.uk there's someone else there keep it local don't go there katga

katga and I'm going to put that there don't worry about it it's fine and if you're on Patreon and you love subscribing to Dan and the boys bullshit then there's another Patreon

forward slash Barry Dodds which is full of ghost hunting and comedy stuff and movie stuff and all that sort of carry on and more cunt, there's a cunt interview just gone on there as well Barry works harder on his Patreon than anyone I know, the amount of content is phenomenal, you really interview just gone on there as well yeah barry's works harder on his patreon than anyone i know the

amount of content is phenomenal you really uh graft at it obviously not the dance on it but it's finn probably gives you the feedback on what's on it oh you were you like i am on the page i know there is a there's an interview on there isn't it no he means are you are you a patreon no where can you get the ghost on film, buddy? Is it Amazon? Oh,

the Parapod movie. Yeah, sorry, the Parapod movie. The Parapod movie, the Parapod, a very British ghost is available on iTunes,

Sky Store, Amazon and Rakuten. Me and Finn have both seen it and it's very, very, very good.

Thank you. Finally, we did raise some money for charity and it's not that we fell short. We didn't know what we were doing, but a lot of listeners have emailed asking if they could make a contribution to the charities.

They were Zoe's Place, The Baby Hospice, and one of our listeners, Gina, her daughter beat eye cancer, childhood eye cancer, and asked to be one of the charities. Now, we did it as a fuck around, and we've ended up, it's going to have raised a couple of grand for each of those charities. It would be nice to just throw a few more quid their way. We're not going to do it till the end of January. So till the end of January, we've got a couple of Just Giving pages up,

and they're available in the links for the YouTube and the audio. This is absolutely only if you want to, because a couple of people have asked, if you want to make a wee donation, we're going to give them the money at the end of January. And obviously, yeah, appreciate you. Thanks very much for listening. Thanks so much for coming up.

Thanks for having us. Barry, thanks for being a standing guest. Thank you for having me. One of the very few that have done it. It's been a pleasure. Thanks, l us. Barry, thanks for being a standing guest. Thank you for having me. One of the very few that have done it. It's been a pleasure. Thanks, lads. Bye, guys. See you later.

We got it.