Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #156 with Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 24, 2022

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The link is in the description of this episode. That's me done. Me gone. Go ahead. Get on me. Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally?

Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Gold time. Let's make gold. Let's make gold. Let's make some gold. Can you make gold? What is a naturally occurring precious metal? It it a naturally occurring precious metal?

It's a naturally occurring precious metal. Well, is it alchemy making gold? That's cocksails, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, it is, yeah. That's mixology. Yeah. You're thinking of the alchemist?

I am thinking of the alchemist. I think to make gold, it's famously an ancient sort of mythical skill. Alchemy, isn't it? It doesn't actually exist. You need pressure to make diamonds. Yeah. As the saying goes.

Yeah, you can't make gold from other elements. Oh, can you? Oh, I thought alchemy was... Why aren't we doing that then? What other elements do you need? Let's just buy the other elements. They'll be cheaper than gold. I think they're more expensive than that. Yes, gold can be created from other elements,

but the process requires nuclear reactions. All right, cool. So, probes don't try. We do work right next to a nuclear power plant. Even if you like a cocktail barman, don't try it, lads. Because it's going to go fucking nuclear, lads. There's a nuclear power plant. Even if you like a cocktail barman, don't try it, lad. Because it's going to go fucking nuclear, lad. There's a nuclear power plant there.

You're trying for a new fucking necklace. Trying for a new necklace for your Becky. Yeah? She wants a necklace. She can't afford it. But don't try and do alchemy meat. You're going to go Chernobyl. And then there's no you. And then Becky loses out. Fucking nightmare. Public service out. Fuck a nightmare.

Public service announcement. Yeah, lad. I think we could do it. Have a word gold. You think you can do everything. I think we could do it. If Adam comes in on the next episode glowing. You alright, Adam?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just done with me skincare. Becky's gold necklace went about as well as Christmas number one. The Alchemist. There's an Alchemist in Chester as well, isn't there? Is it a chain of like... I think so. Swank.

One in Newcastle, one in Manchester, one in Liverpool. I didn't know there was one in Liverpool until very recently. Is there? I didn't even know that. They're up near Castle Streetways, apparently. Oh, look. My drink looks like sulfuric acid. When you're trying to have sex with a lady who you really like,

the Alkmythed. You're not going to go there with your pals or your dad. See, Liverpool is such an independent city. If you took a Scouse girl to a chain like that, she'd be like, no, I'd rather be on Bold Street in Bold Street Coffee. Well, I think most cocktail bars are usually the reason a lad is spending 17 quid a round on two fucking drinks at best is because they're trying to bonk someone that they think is really fit i mean i'm not specifically talking about the alchemist a lot

of cocktail bars it comes down to that done it or i'm mean, because if we were like, drink, lads, run corn, let's go for a drink, we'd be like, oh my God, let's get Flirtinis. I love a cocktail bar, yeah. What? But as an option. I had a porn star at his birthday. As an option, though.

I like the option, but it's not the go-to, is it? Sometimes. Me and him love a cocktail. I actually, I will profoundly disagree with you on this one, sir. Right, well, I will back up my point because we've had many a drink together

and you haven't gone, nah, nah, I'm all right for a pint. I always go cocktail. It's the Adam Rowe way. Are you trying to sleep with anyone? No!

I'm dying on this hill. Where's Adam? He's still getting served. It's a show-offy datey thing, isn't it? That's what I always have seen it as. I quite like a cocktail too sometimes. What's your favourite cocktail? Oh, particularly on holiday,

when you're like, I don't give a fuck. Let's blitz the Euros early. That's the fucking best one, isn't it? What's your go-to? Do you like strong? Do you like sweet? Do you like fruity? When I lived in Leeds,

they did a zombie, which was basically... Every type of rum with pineapple juice. With overproof rum as well. Oh my God. And then a cut out, is it a guava or a passion fruit? Passion fruit.

And then they put basically kerosene in there. Ethanol. Ethanol. Light it. And because you're drunk, you're like, oh my God, so many vitamins from all the fucking fruit juice

and you're like and it's on fire i love all that shit have i told you about the time when i worked in um what was the bar called republic penthouse penthouse the girl come in it was a birthday she was like it's my birthday and i was like birthday shot then so i gave her a flaming sambuca but i had badly misjudged how drunk she was and she just spilled it all over the bar and the floor, everything was on fire this is a flaming sambuca well this is a flaming bar we'll know for sure

did she just pour it and it was still on fire because the bar was like marble it was only the sambuca that was still on fire but the sambuca was all over the place so there was fire all over the place yeah we will know for sure whether you're right about this um it's just for like dating and stuff because marketing's becoming a lot more honest isn't it i don't know when you've noticed that the past five or ten years marketing has become a lot more on the nose like It's like, we're honest.

You know, we know what you're coming here for. It's for this. Like, Wetherspoons used to sort of, like, put themselves as, like, the best pub in the world. And now it's like, look, we've got smack heads, but we keep them in the corner. Right? That's the brilliant evolution of Wetherspoons.

Like, we are one of the best chains of pubs in the world. Now, come on. Come on. You're lazy and you're a bit of a cheap cunt. Weather spoons. What word would you describe? One word to describe weather spoons. For me, it's brown.

No. Grim. No. Everything's so brown. All the men. Weather spoons means weather spoons. Shoes. But if you're right,

there's going to be a cocktail bar called, like, The Passage to the Pussy within the next like three or four years. Passage la Pussy. The Passage to the Pussy sounds like the rapiest cocktail ever.

What's your other cocktail called? She can't say Wetherspoons. Oh, by the way, Carl, something's just hit my head. You can't say everything about Wetherspoons is brown. All the men. and then finish the sentence there i didn't if you listen closely i said men shoes

because they are you want some jeans and shoes action go to where the spoons meet i didn't say all the men were brown their shoes brown men can go to where the spoons though digging yourself out of the hole oh my god carl is having a very racist 2022 so far it's exciting and no listen i the whole cocktail thing i know it's not just that but that's my you know the first read on something is i always think of it as that i know like like i know everyone can enjoy a cocktail or whatnot but i always just i associate it with like girls on hendoos and like showy offy and like lads trying i've just seen so many couples at bars where it's

not like a there's got to be a reason for someone to be spending 11 pounds or 12 pounds on a fucking drink so if you can't be every round, can it? If you were going to open a cocktail bar with that honest marketing, first of all, we need to name the bar, right? Because you're saying Passage to the Pussy, that's not okay. Passage to the Pussy is almost too on the nose, isn't it? Like, no girl's like, oh my God, it's our anniversary. Will you take us to Passage to the Pussy?

You could just cut out the fucking middleman love and get your knickers off. So are you googling the Passage to the Pussy? We're going to google it in French because

that might clean it up a little bit. Passage to the Pussy. Passage a la chat. Passage a la chat. I think I've been there. I think that's an Indian. I turn a French girl

out, she's a bummer. Put it in passage a la chat. They should open them next to each other and you say, fuck me, right in the passage a la chat. We've got passage to the other and you say, listen. Fuck me, right in the passage a la chat. We've got passage to the pussy or passage a la chat.

Love, it's up to you. You decide. On date night, which place do you want to go to? Well, actually. That did not work out, making it sexy and French, did it? If there was a cocktail on the menu, what would we call them?

If this is the one, like, buy her this and she might nosh you off. We can't just call him that. Buy her this and she might nosh you off. Can I have a buy me this and I might nosh you off? Two of them. And I'll also have two two I will definitely fuck you tonight babes really

they're very wordy these cocktails aren't they oh and also can we have a rack of fingers up the arse please

thanks very much in revs do you remember the revs yeah yeah can I have a passage a la chat as well please just on the side

I'm sorry we're actually in passage a la chat you can see it on my name we're actually in passage a la chat you can see it on my name badge hi welcome to passage a la chat my name's steve cosmos all down jack um can i get uh i'm a dirty whore yeah we'll have two i'm a dirty whores please quality so you like a strong cocktail because a zombie

is a fucking strong fucking cocktail. It's a fucking manly cocktail a zombie by fucking men. Is that what you like? I just,

yeah, that's the one I've, I used to, just felt like it got you really drunk. Yeah. I wasn't,

I was like quad vods, we used to have quad vods before and I told core lane in quad van with a bottle of blue wicker pour them to us it's actually five

oh my god yeah core lane in Leeds we used to go out midweek you know because I would always be gigging on a weekend this is when I was

I never had weekends off I was like 26 and I was gigging all the time so we used to go and have like Sunday nights and get cocktails I was going out

with a girl called Vicky at the time and we had some mates that worked in bars. You know, like you have industry nights out almost and the staff from like the Hi-Fi would come and have a booze with us. So we'd get the two-for-one offers and go to some of the nicest bars on Coral Lane and just be at the bar.

And like in the industry, everyone knows each other, don't they? So all the bar staff that we were out with would know the bar staff that were serving us so instead of being a friday and saturday night where it gets annoying doesn't it like it's expensive and you have to wait fucking ages and it gets eggy because if you miss your place in the queue then you've got to watch some twat by his missus a you know two fingers in the arse cocktail that takes ages to make and i just it was so much more fun like on a wednesday night just getting trashed and just never leaving the bar just it would just

be us at the bar and yeah zombies were great because it was two for one and it i think they sold it in a one of the places we went to sold it in a like a you know um a bitter mug yeah oh yeah because they're all hipstery aren't they like oh my god we do it in like you know jam jars what would you what would you so i'd be sat there like a fucking knobhead with two flaming zombies and bitter mug going what is happening and you'd finish them and be like i feel absolutely hammered what would your hipster receptacle be oh that receptacle of choice yeah what would yours be if you had a bar? Like an emptied out can of WD-40. Yeah, it'd actually work for our cocktail bar. Passage a la chat.

Lube. The loosener. Is she squeaky? Yeah. This'll grease her up. Might be a KFC bucket. Fucking hell. The bucket. The bucket. You've got five minutes to drink it, but it falls apart. You also get like a lemon zest wipe.

You mentioned before the two things in the arse cocktail. Tell you what, you know you were a dirty bitch when she orders one of them with an extra shot. I've waited three minutes to make that joke. I had a joke and then it broke. It's just a tub of Vaseline. There's this thing about when you've been podcasting for so long, I can tell when Adam's got a line. Because you look over to him and it's almost like someone's gone,

action! Like in his head, the director went, Adam, your line, cue, action! You know where she deserves it. Hang on though, if it's two fingers in the bummer shot, if you had an extra shot, that's four. Isn't it? He did demonstrate four fingers. No, I never had demonstrated three,

because in my head, two fingers in the arse, it's got two shots in. So an extra shot is just the third shot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When she asks for fucking three extra shots and you're giving her a bunch of fives right in the arsehole yeah that's when you know your wife no i don't think that's how that works can i have the bottle please that's not how just i know you're back out on the scene now i know you're not quite ready to be there but just as a rule of thumb if

you're trying to find a wife don't wait so she's like i've had to marry because she took the most fingers in her arse yeah I've actually thought about this before you know like do you know do you know if you sort of like at the start

of when you start going out when sex is like more experimental and you're dirtiest and all that and you're like trying to sort of

impress each other with how far you can go let me just remember right like surely if you're fisting someone, you've got to be like,

this can't be the mother of my children, because how can I look my son in the eye knowing I've fisted his mum? And that was on your mind recently, was it? That was on your mind. Fucking hell. But you should have done all that stuff. You shouldn't have kids,

and you haven't done everything yet. Yeah. Otherwise, you've failed, haven't you? I done everything yet otherwise you've failed haven't you I mean you make your deals don't you some people need to marry dirty people ideally I would think dirty people

because they're like I can't get off if it's not a fist in the like just because you've been fisted doesn't mean you're not able to be married to anyone you just need to find someone who's like listen what I want Like, just because you've been fisted doesn't mean you're not able to be married to anyone. You just need to find someone who's like, listen, what I want in my long-term partner is a friend, a lover, a partner, and someone who loves a good fist. And I want them to be caring, happy, generous, and a big gaping arsehole. Gaping, yeah.

Yeah. Not for me. Not for me. A constant gaping arsehole? No asshole no oh like some kind of monkey but but that the it comes back to my old bit about couples need to have equal stuff on certain things there's has to be some similarities and i think your dirtyometer has to be pretty similar if you are gonna last. Yeah. Because if you are vanilla as fuck

and you're like missionary and a handshake afterwards, you are not gonna, like, a really dirty girl is gonna be like, you are lovely,

you're a great boyfriend, we have a great time. I think the only one who wants that is a closet of businessmen, isn't it? I mean, there are some

vanilla fuckers out there though aren't there yeah i might like my one of my best mates who we were talking about porn and i was like telling him what and i'm maybe not the best example because i'm a bit too far the other way and he was like well i just like it when um there's like a naked girl and she's having sex with someone that is boring fucking boring that is good isn't it boring i reckon carl's porn search is horrific you know because he he makes out as if it's like so like no it's just you know just normal porn and i reckon that's just because there's a deep seated anxiety that we would judge him for the amount of little people. Acrobat porn's the best.

Is that normal? What? Acrobat porn? Acrobat porn, yeah. Talk us through that, Carl. There's a bear in the room. A bear? A bear.

You don't know what acrobatics is, do you? I know what a circus is. So circus porn? Circus porn, yeah. Oh, God, yeah. That's normal, isn't it, though? It's amazing that you lost validity of that point by not naming the song. It was like a made-up type of porn.

You're like, acrobat porn? No, all right, it's circus porn. I've seen a circus porn where... Why? It was a hangover and it went wrong. And it was called the trapeze artist. Genuinely? No.

Have you made that up? No. If you made that up no that's if you made that up that that deserves i need to get him out with that he can't help it yeah i'm the best yeah you got me you got me again he's artist yeah in his head great scene adam cut trapeze artist to be better Do you want to do it again? Trapenis artist. Trapenis, no. No, I think you got it.

An arsist. Yeah. I'm sorry. I think you need to cut that bit out that you said. Look at me. I don't think you should have elephants and tigers in a porn scene. It's to call me old-fashioned. Well, you are not ready for Bollywood, sir. tigers in a in a porn scene it's called me old fashioned well

you are not ready for Bollywood sir I fucking hate Indian porn fucking grim why it's just grim why is it grim

we just talked about it with Ishan why just just are you allowed to say Desi is it is it an offensive term

what's Desi it's the they call it Desi porn don't they I don't know I don't know if it's not my word I wish Ishan was here what say Desi. Is it an offensive term? What's Desi? They call it Desi porn, don't they? I don't know what that means. I don't know if it's not my word. I wish Eshan was here. What's Desi show for? Isn't he the father of shooters?

Yeah, that's what it's short of. Desi from shooters. That's what the Indian porn scene is named after. Oh, DSI. Is Desi offensive? Not DSI. Detective shooters. Land of Duty porn? No not unoffensive about it

Unless you put stank on it Which makes anything offensive in it Fucking Desi Like don't do that That sounds like a guy called Desi who owes you money though Fucking Desi Owes me a tenner Cheeky cunt

Just didn't sound racist when you said it Fucking Desi owes me a tenner. Cheeky cunt. Just didn't sound racist when you said it. Fucking Desi again. He's nicked me car keys. I've never heard that term. It means indigenous. It's not my favourite porn. What is your favourite?

Trans. I'm not bothered by trans. No, but you said, you talk about it a lot lately, so I thought it actually was. Oh, no, it's not my, it's not, no. All right. God, and Peggy is going in, a little bit of a, got into a thing called strap-on supremacy,

where men get bummed by women with strap-ons. Yeah. What are you getting from that? Not sure. Who are you in that scene? This is, by the way, when you keep doing this, this is not how I masturbate.

I don't watch a scene and go, who am I? I don't need... That's not what that porn is. I don't, maybe, but I just find it, visually, something is ticking a box for me. Right.

See, I can't get my head around that because in my head watching porn you're at least in the room so to me like in that situation i would be the man getting bummed which is why i don't like it but it's even weirder to me because in my head that means for you you're in the room watching a man get bummed and happy well yeah but i genuinely am not projecting myself into that scene i just find it visually stimulated obviously like i don't watch everything and go who am i in this like i like that's not that's what it does that's what i do like i put myself in the scene and i'm imagining it's me. Right.

But do you do that with all films as well? I do. I'm not usually sitting there working. I've told you this before. You know he does. Every film. I'm the lead when I'm watching it. Right. That's how I get into it.

That's what emotion is. Yeah. You get sad because the lead loses his dog. You're not like, yeah, that's what it is. There's a word for it in literature. I'm not imagining. I understand. dog you're not like yeah that's what there's a word for it i'm not imagining that i understand you can have empathy with a character and relate to them without you going i'm that person and that like it's it's almost like quite a young but that's not as fun as getting to be batman is it

oh god i hope you get cast as batman it will be so good a scouse Batman played by Adam Rowe jammed in that fucking suit like fucking Del Boy please let me play Alfred I want to play Alfred so much oh my god just do your gravelly you know because for me

Christian Bale. I am fucking Batman, love. You sound like a smacker. You're going to face it. Have I got to put like a Batman voice on or does it got to be a Scouse accent? No, no, no, no. If you're Christian Bale, Christian Bale for me is the Batman. I think he nailed it.

Christopher Nolan's Christian Bale. Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale. They nailed it, didn think he nailed it Christopher Nolan's Christian Bale Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale they nailed it didn't they yeah yeah Dark Knight Rises oh no what was the Batman Begins

Dark Knight Rises Dark Knight and then Dark Knight oh okay cool and then Squid Game that was actually the fourth one and then Batman Squid Game

but he isn't in it that's correct but you meant to read between the lines yeah it is a Batman but he's just not in it at all yeah

idiot who were you in squid game everyone i was the old man um what's your normal voice so you're you know what's my normal voice this this is my normal voice what's the character called batman bruce wayne bruce wayne jesus christ what's the character called in Batman Both of them Batman Don't let your God forgotten Batman

Yeah yeah yeah You'd be Commissioner Gordon Dan And you're having A meeting on the roof Gary Oldman was Quite good as Commissioner Gordon

I love if you take The R out of his name It's a much different name Gay Oldman Yeah Don't Google that How is he as Intelligent as he is like he's quite a smart guy it takes someone truly intelligent to pretend to be stupid do you know i mean that's why i'm a

genius don't touch his coffee cup either yeah i don't know why i did i just felt like yeah batman was in liverpool for the new one though. Remember? He was jumping off the lava building. So you're Bruce Wayne? Yeah. Scouse Bruce Wayne. I don't know how that works. So it's now set in Liverpool instead of New York City. So Gotham is now based on Liverpool

rather than Gotham being based on New York. Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. Okay. Because that's how much they want you. Yeah, okay. You're Commissioner Gordon and you've called them for the meeting. You're Commissioner Stay.

But I want to hear his Batman voice. Yeah, so talk to him. Oh right, I thought we were doing his Bruce Wayne voice. Yeah, we'll do both. I've got to be in the film. Go on, so scene. Hiya Batman.

Are we? Is it? I've got to be Scouse haven't I alright lads you're Commissioner Steve alright I'm Commissioner Steve

thanks for coming into Police HQ where is it you're on a roof where's Police HQ in Liverpool we can figure it out you're on the roof of Nando's

on the roof of Nando's that's where we put the fucking bat signal is it yeah it's not a bat it's the Nando's logo. Just a fucking lamp.

Get a big butterfly chicken, twat it on there, light it up. Batman! Is Nando's a cock or a hen? It's a hen, isn't it? Or a chicken, is it? Say it'd be a big cock in the sky.

There's no light in the new Batman. It's just like an alarm. Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad! Lad!

Get an endo shot. Batman, lad! Well, that's what it's called. Batman, lad. Batman, lad. Bat, lad. Stab me. Stab me, lad.

You can't. Go on, Commissioner Steve. Listen, Batman. Some fucking Pierre bad news, lad. I'm not Bruce Wayne here. I'm Batman. Yeah, you can tell that because I went Batman. Yeah, but you told me I was meant to be viewing Bruce Wayne.

I know, but he's fucking... You can't get the talent these days. What do you say, Batman? Batman, thanks for meeting me at the top of Nando's. It's all right, lad. He's a smackhead. What can I do you for, lad? We're having a fucking nightmare around here.

What's up, lad? Come on. Yeah, someone's robbed a Nando's That's why I've asked you here Right Yeah I don't normally really get involved With low level crime

Yeah but we think it might be The fucking Joker Really? Yeah he's left KFC rappers Fucking everywhere Nah that does sound like Something he'd do Rapper taking a fucking piss

Does sound like Something he'd do that I don't think this is gonna sell In Hollywood lads I don't even think it'll sell in Liverpool. Do you know what your problem is? You lack so much self-belief. What do you mean?

We could make this. You are a commissionist, Dee. Embody him. Just act as if it's going to be like a blockbuster. Believe. Right! I'll go bigger then. Yeah.

Batman, lads! They've robbed the Nando's Except There was diamonds in the Nando's Oh shit Yeah Right What are you going to do about it? You got the CCZ for me

Yeah I got loads Yeah yeah Do you want to just look over the tapes? Yeah hang on It's the fucking Joker Oh yeah yeah yeah I know where he is Right yeah yeah

I'll go and show him Nice one Alright Is he? Yeah Can I suggest this script choker that in it oh yeah yeah yeah I know where he is I'll go and source him nice one alright where is he yeah can I suggest this script it's dangerous

if anyone else knows keep doing the Batman voice you went a bit Bruce Wayne then oh sorry who do you sound

like as Scouse Batman I don't know that don't know that every Scouse in town alright I think people

would look up as well if they had you shouting. You got money for me, boss? Yeah. What? They'd look up at the top of Nando's if they had you going, Batman, lad!

Lad! They'd give away, probably give it away. Yeah, it's silly, isn't it? Stupid. You're right. It's just a bit silly. I love that fucking series of Batman.

It was amazing. I watched The Dark Knight like three times in the cinema who are you casting as the Joker then in Scouse Batman in Batman Lad

I think Paul Smith would be very disappointed that it's not him I think he's got every painting ever painted alright mate it literally is

Hamble as well on social media yeah but it'd be it's too chippy. Ricky Tomlinson. Oh. He's surely the penguin.

Oh, my God. No, he's the Joker. Mate. You can't be arsed. You don't need... Batman doesn't need to defeat Ricky Tomlinson as the Joker. Diabetes is going to get him. What kind of fucking...

We're playing 4-4 fucking zoo. Still on great form, Ricky, you know. Is he? Yeah. Is he? Yeah. All right. Apologies.

Apologies. Yeah. Craig Charles. A good option, wouldn't it? He could use his robot wars thing as well. And he could just... He controls the robots? He controls the robots.

Yeah. What other baddies have you got? We could have a monk. Simon Gregson. The Riddler? Simon Gregson is the Riddler. Or Steve McDonald from Connie. Yeah.

You need the foreigner, don't you? To be like... The foreigner. For diversity? Yeah. Is Steve McDonald the foreigner in your yeah yeah is Steve McDonald the foreigner in your head he's a monk isn't he

okay at least we're doing white racism now who's Catwoman people Bendico del Toro it's a trans Catwoman Benicio

Benicio del Toro what did you just I just need you to rewind that for a second Bendico del Toro Ben Davis what's he called

I thought Bendico del Toro that What's he called? I thought it was Ben Dico. That's the Scouse way of saying it. Is it Benicio? Benicio, yeah. Benicio del Toro. Yeah.

Benediccio del Toro. Look, I know I got it wrong, but I had a go. Why is he in it? Yeah. Why is he in a Scouse Batman? Because it's time

for the trans catwoman. Oh, he's the catwoman? Yeah. Oh, right. I thought that'd be people. Yeah, but he's not actually trans, is he? Bane. So I for the trans cat woman. Oh, he's a cat woman? Yeah. Oh, right. I thought that'd be people. But he's not actually trans, is he? Bane. So I think the trans community might be a bit pissed off.

Why? Well, he's just Benicio Del Toro. He's a very serious method actor. Do you know for sure he's not trans? What are you talking about? What are you talking about? Have you ever asked him? I actually have.

I've done Jonathan Ross when he was on. Oh, shit, yeah, you've met him. Of course you have. You could get in touch with him. I was like, Benedicchio! Benedicchio! And he didn't look round. Are you trans?

And he just didn't look round, you know, because his name's not Benedicchio. Bane could be Liz McClarnon from Atomic Kitten. Yeah. She'd be a good Bane-er. Oh, tide is high the tide is high but i'm moving on i'm going to be number one if you're looking at me to know atomic kitten lyrics you're looking at me to know Atomic Kitten lyrics, you're looking at the wrong person.

Every girl wants you to be a man. How old is your babe? I'm not the type of girl who gives up just like that. Oh, no. I'm not the type of girl who gives up just like that. Oh, no. The tide is high, but I'm holding on. The tide is high sounds like a Bane quote, doesn't it?

The tide is high. The tide is high. That's Christopher Walken. The tide is high. I'm holding on. Hound. Ow. Black walking.

Ow. What? It's up there. And Al Pacino comes in. Oh, here we go. Here we go. The script for Batman Lad has got a lot of the devil's advocate in it. Oh. Hola.

I'm at the Albuquerque. Beautiful. Favourite part of the city. Is it? Great answer. Is it? You're not a passage a la chat, Al. Oh, I'm taking a layup.

For two fists. She's a big taking a lady out for two fists. She's a big girl. She likes her big drink. Done before. I really don't know what you're going to do with the rest of this section. If anyone's watching this, that's getting made. Liz McClarnon, Al Pacino. Christopher Walken.

Benicio Del Toro, Christopher Walken. Who else was in it? Simon Grexon, Craig Charles, Adam, and Dan's Commissioner Steve. Make it. Get it made. At least someone make a poster. Someone make the film.

Good luck with that poster. That is a fucking random load of Google searches, isn't it benicio let's have a break wag wag lids we've got to tell you about one of our sponsors nord vpn they're offering our listeners our fans a two-year deal plus one month for just 89 which is about 65 quid that's 70 off the usual price and works out at two pounds 60 a month what adam what is a vpn what's nord a vpn is basically a way to lie to your computer or your laptop and say hey i'm not in fucking liverpool me mate nah i'm in syria i'm in the antarctic i'm in brussels

i'm in mexico wherever you feel like being where do you want to be where do you want to be online you can tell a vpn put me there and it will give you access to that country's version of the internet and you might not think that's any different but you're full of shit susan okay if you're in america you get access to american netflix syrian netflix susan Have you not watched Syrian Netflix? It's wicked. It's honestly the best thing I pay for at VPN. Being able to decide

what country you want to be in and what you want access to. It's especially great, as we've said before, for the Premier League so you can get all the three o'clock kickoffs because they're shown

all around the world, just not in England. You can get them with NordVPN and I'm so happy that they're not bought as a sponsor. So it's nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use our custom code, have a word. That's nordvpn.com slash have a word.

Custom code, have a word. Go ahead, Susan, you fucking slag. Let's make some silver. I said gold before. It's a different precious metal. I said gold. Let's make some silver. I said gold before. It's a different precious metal. I said gold. It's a callback. Stand alone.

I'm not convinced it's that funny, but I think everyone would have appreciated it. All right, okay. I want to know the lady that works in the cafe. Lads, we're doing a podcast. Fucking focus. Hey, you. Fucking bronze over there, kid.

Thank you. Yeah. I really want to know her name because she's been serving us lunch for a year and a half and I don't know her name. Her name, as I told you before and you do not believe me,

is Cathy. But you've got an evil little twinklet in your eye. You're going to make me go, Hiya, Cathy. She'll be like, My name's Denise. No, it's Barbara.

Linda. I thought it was Julie. Just be honest, My name's Denise. No, it's Barbara. Linda. I thought it was Julie. Just be honest. That was going to be my next one as well, you know, and I absolutely swear to God. Do you know? Do you actually know? Is it Kathy?

Yeah. He's double bluffing you. Right, okay. If I walk up there and go, Hiya, Kathy. And she goes, What? Because she knows our names.

I know. You can tell they really like, Hi, Cathy. And she goes, What? Because she knows our names. I know. You can tell they really like us in that cafe. They're like, Hey! The non-boring cunts are here. Hey! All right. Well, we'll see.

After the break, we'll see how well that goes down because I'm going to go, Right, Cathy. And she goes, Hey! I think it's Bruce. Bendicul.

Bendicul. Yeah. Old Cathy. bendicule bendicule yeah um old kathy can i just say one of my favorite things you lying to me about women's names not good one of my favorite things to see is on a road trip to a ghost hunt a hungover adam rowe buying things on a company card. We spent so much money. In a spa. He's honestly, I know you're doing all right financially, but there's something about having a business that's doing,

no, you're doing fine, aren't you? Absolutely. You're fine, right, yeah. But it's different when it's the company. Some would say too well. But the company card's weird because you're like, we're going someone say two well yeah but the company card the company card's weird because you're like we're going to work

I've got a company card you're like this is free money boop boop boop it's fucking brilliant he spends a lot of money in that spa yeah me and Finn

set off from the spa about five minutes later and then my phone grasped you up like I spent 16 quid I was like is that alright I'm spending it

I'm the company guard Adam Rowe spent 62 pounds and it might as well have said Adam Rowe spent 62 pounds. And it might as well have said, Adam Rowe spent 62 pounds on utter shite. That, I give you. I didn't buy a pat noodle. I put, oh, that's Stee's.

Right, oh, so here's the important thing. That's 62 quid was mine, Carl's and Stee's. Yeah, between three of us. Why did you buy them? I didn't even see you put them in. Was this because you thought the pot noodle would be dead hot? I thought that it was going to be colder than it was. I was doing the gardening for them.

But they're not. But these aren't keep your hands warm gloves. These are like gardening gloves. Oh, fuck. I know, lad. Piping. So what happened was, I went out on super touch so let's just give this some context for the gloves right so i've i've been to new york come back had the breakup had me birthday party and because i'm just you you there's a process of dealing with stuff oh yeah needs help these are his

heartbreak gloves I've been staying in me cousins so I came directly to here to go to the ghost ones from me cousins house right

so all I had on was me trackie I just took a trackie I hadn't really prepared for the fact we were going ghost hunting in Chillingham Castle so I literally

just had me trackie I got in the car Carl was like well those shoes are not the right shoes yeah when you turned up with a weird like collector got in the car, Carl was like well those shoes are not the right shoes when you turned up with a weird like collector's item Air Force One I was like oh Adam is not prepped

I had no gloves with me, I didn't have a proper warm hat and I was like oh that changed quickly because that £61 wasn't wasted it's like a label on. It didn't get worn.

Norton did. We had three pizzas, £62. You suit that. That's the thing, when you're single, you just don't want to be single long. Hello. Can you say something for me? Because it'll really suit that.

Tabitha, if you don't stop crying, you're getting no pudding. Tabitha, if you don't stop crying, you're getting no pudding. Tabitha, if you don't stop crying, you're getting no pudding. Yeah. You can see that in the centre parks, can't you? You look like a barrister, like a smack of dairy. A bagheadster. Yeah.

That was fire, by the way. Like they haven't got horse hair wigs. Giving him reviews on his own lines. A bagheadster. That was fire, by the way. A bag reviews on his own lines. A baguette stir. That was fire, by the way. A baguette stir del Toro.

That was fire as well, Dan. How do you look like a barrister? It looks like a horse. I know what he means. A horse hair wig,

but like for like a really poor area. Right, right, right, right. Yeah. So I bought that and the gloves means a horse hair wig but like for like a really poor area right right right right yeah so both that and the gloves because i thought i was going to be cold it was cold it wasn't cold enough to need them in the end though you got the gloves and marshmallows i didn't pick these that's stay again see what you've got to remember is your stay i already got them oh sorry mate yeah everything in those bags i didn't pick it all

oh it was these two i just paid for it i just i was picking stuff i didn't pick them fucking gloves did i no i picked the gloves in the ad the two worst items they were my two things because i thought i was going to be colder than i was i got a claw hammer it It was just very, because as me and Finn left the spa, I just saw you, like a stand, like, I felt so bad. The ghost hunt was such an emotional rollercoaster,

but there was a couple of moments where you were just sad and hungover. I just kind of was like, like, you're not the most huggable person, but there was a few moments where I was like, oh, lad,

he's having a hard one, but I just left, and you were just like, at a standing spot, I go, I was like, oh, lad, he's having a hard one. But I just left, and you were just at a standing spot. I go... I was like, Adam's buying shite, whatever gets him through. I'm not buying pot noodles or marshmallows. Fucking hell.

The ghost hunt was... I think the ghost hunt was so perfect. I mean, we haven't seen the edit yet, but what we've made in terms of what happened, I think is going to be so... I've been doing Ask Me Anythings on Instagram just to distract myself and keep myself busy. And...

People keep asking for spoilers, and all I keep saying is, we've made a pact not to give any spoilers away, but something happened. There was, no, five things happened? Yeah, but, like, I'm trying not to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah was not five things happened yeah but like i'm trying not to do that yeah yeah yeah things happened things happened that's not gonna be a boring no that's not gonna be a boring special no that is that is a a night of my life like i love what the patreon

and i love what we're all doing with the Patreon is basically going yeah we do this weekly these exclusives are weekly that's what you get like this isn't this is a public isn't it this is a public if you're not a Patreon

sign the fuck up there's nearly 9,000 patrons at this point oh and by the way right sorry sorry to interrupt you my pod's doing an advert right

listen last week or the week before someone commented and said excuse me Right. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt you. My pause. Right. Listen. Last week or the week before, someone commented and said, excuse me, some of us don't want to sign up to Patreon. It doesn't matter. It's only three pounds a month. I've got Netflix to pay for it.

It makes me not want to watch it anymore, having that advert at the front. Shut up and fuck off. Watch something else. That's it. You don't need to sign up. If you just want the free stuff, just have it. It's great.

We love you just watching this, but the best stuff is on Patreon. And shut up moaning. This is free. You get it for free. Shut up. Fucking little bitch. Cunt.

Sign up. Stop being a bitch. I mean, fine. You're going to get a free massive episode. We podcast more than any other podcast in the country, probably, in terms of the amount of quality content we're putting out. And the biggest chunk of it is free. It's right here.

For that, you have to put up with a Patreon advert or two because if you've not signed up, you are missing out. The specials are becoming this monthly little, it's madness. I spoke to my sister driving down from North Northumberland, and it's not just Northumberland. It was high. It's geographically high. It was.

How far in that country were you? And you've still got an hour north to go. That's not right. When you pass Hadrian's Wall, I've still got an hour of england to drive christ and um i spoke to my sister and told her one of the things that happened there was this pause and then she started laughing and went of course you did of course you did oh i know what that because because our lives are this is so fun what we do here

but because the patrons are advertising Patreon because it funds the most mental shit ever and that ghost hunt there was a few moments where I will never forget some of that it will be seared in my memory

for memories I thought it was me i was like am i free there was a couple of points where i was like adam is gonna fucking shit himself and then i came back adam's like yeah that's fine i was like i'm fine you find cold work i think i just think some incredible moments start to finish i think we just we played it all it's definitely I think that the footage is going to come out an awful lot superior to the first Ghost Sons

and it's going to go live on Patreon Friday the 4th of February however sign up now because there's loads of other stuff

and also I'm announcing first of all some work in progress dates in the North West probably in the next few days actually so that's going to be on Patreon and also my second Liverpool tour date first of all some work in progress dates in the North West probably in the next few days actually so that's going to be on Patreon

and also my second Liverpool tour date will go on Patreon first and there's a lot of people who want some good seats for that because there's nothing left for the first one we sold out to Philharmonic Hall baby

we've got some other ideas five lock-ins another ghost hunt the lock-in has gone down incredibly well there's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of hours for £3

should we sort of tease the idea we have like that I had in the car I think it's fucking I don't think we tease it I think we just say it yeah we say we're going to do it

but we just don't quite know when yet oh no we don't know when we've just got to time it right for you and we've got to get the venue right but it is the most I can't wait

it's going to be spring, isn't it? Yeah. So for those who haven't sort of got onto the couple of references, me and Sam have broke up. It's not been good. But you know, please, no one is to contact their messenger,

harass her at all. Okay. It's, it's done. She's suffering. We'll both get over it. Eventually. That's how life works.

No one is to contact her on my BR. She's actually disabled all her social media accounts because she was worried that big fans of me and this would do that. And I absolutely, under no circumstances, I don't care if she'd killed people in my family. Just leave the girl alone. But, I mean, the judicial system would probably come in at that point. But you're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if she ever kills people, the police can harass her yeah yeah that's fair enough i don't think it's called harassing it's called arresting yeah um it's it's a sad end but it is an end and we move on now uh i had an idea i nearly pressed the button don't be a fucking dick and i i think this would be really funny once i've sort of had a bit of time to get over this once you're all right yeah i think we should do blind date because of my eye i think we can call it half blind date and dan is going to do the only acceptable blacken up. He's going to Scylla black up. Well, we have three single members of the team. Yeah.

And plus other comics who would love to get involved, I'm sure. So you're going to be Graham. You're going to be the voice of God. I'm going to be Graham, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to Scylla black it up. Just even the sentence. And then... And we haven't planned it yet yet it's just an idea that i had i was like look that could actually be if i you know managed to you know like that so you're the three contestants in a theater there might be more we'll figure it out we haven't planned

it yet it's just the idea we have single friends single friends other single comedians but we'll at some point we'll announce that applications are open and carl is going to filter them and carl has been explicitly told everyone has got to be at least a nine yeah so they make three nines a 27 if you know people that um that identify as women because it's 2022 absolutely so you know we love inclusivity on this podcast don't we yes lads white lads yes yeah it's gonna be in the theater a white straight lads we love inclusivity don't we yeah i mean it would be yeah it would be a really good time to to up the inclusivity so that you're not you know three white straight lads as your options. Lads, we'll go watch the game. Who's going to write this? Number three, please.

Yeah, we're going to have to do a bit of writing. Well, the girls are going to write the questions and then we're going to vet the questions. Right. Surely. No, the contestant asked the questions. Oh, sorry. We'll figure it all out,

but that's a really fun idea that like once the healing bit is done we'll be good question one i'm taking you to the passage a la chat what do you want what are you ordering i that is a hundred percent my first question if i took you to the cocktail par the passage passage a la chat, what cocktail would you order? And why? And what is in it? Well, Adam,

I like water sports. I love the answers. It's so contrived, isn't it? Yeah. I'd order a cosmopolitan because I am pink. I'm short and I love getting fucked. And I'm cheap.

Pink and short. And I also have fucked. And I'm cheap. Pink and short. And I also have a little piggy. Same question to number two. Oh, brilliant. Right. Honestly, of all the things we've come up with, it's my favourite so far. We need the right venue for it.

We're going to find it. I think it should be a theatre. Yeah. So do I. Like big be a theatre yeah so do I like big but still intimate so do I with quite a wide stage yeah oh my god the tickets for that will fucking fly

yeah that's going to be one you don't want to miss isn't it that's why you should be on Patreon because you're ahead of the game you're ready for this shit also I cannot wait to meet the girls who are like i'm into it let's do it like because it's gonna be better not sound like that what like batman all right i fucking love batman can we do it together then can we can we vet the the applications together yeah oh yeah yeah yeah is it fair to say is it fair to say adam with this

it does have to be a blind date carl and i have to be doing the vetting you have to put a little bit of trust in pod bay and your best mate i will absolutely do that but you've got to understand that the word trust in that is very important it's not gonna be like three blokes is it yeah i'm a girl like the trust i will have in our friendship forever will rely heavily on what you do with the trust i give you for this event yeah cool cool cool we'll have to zoom them as well otherwise you're just gonna get dickhead sending in catfish stuff we'll have to meet the girls first in terms of over zoom surely okay yeah i think yeah i know like with like ids and shit i'm not even messing because like yeah we'll have to figure this all out right urine samples blood samples crb check

well otherwise nothing is too good for my adam saying that to be 14 or something you don't want that do you do you how am i gonna text i mean i'll answer with it we'll cut it in no no no no no no Scouse Batman says a crouching tiger hidden dragon absolutely not that means they're underage

hi I love the girls that are into this podcast you've got to be a certain type of fucking mental to be like yeah yeah yeah have a word

I'm gonna sign up I'm gonna go on blind date I love it can't wait I'm looking forward to it that'll probably be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have a word. I'm going to sign up. I'm going to go on blind date. I love it. Can't wait. I'm looking forward to it. That'll probably be like March or April's Patreon special. Yeah. Do we just... Question.

Do the applications only go to Patreons? Surely not. No, we will open that up, but the film will only go on Patreon. No, no, but I'm saying the applications are going to go public, aren't they? We'll figure it all out. Yeah. It will probably have to.

It probably has to go public. Otherwise, we won't know anymore. Yeah, you can sign up to Patreon if you want to fuck Adam. It's going to be really funny, by the way, if fucking no one applies. It's just me figuring out whether I'll shag Finn or Steve. That's pretty cool. Steve's pile's massive. I think he's going to be a good listener

ironically then steve wasn't listening you got any questions yeah calvin says wag wag lids with both of you touring i just wondered if there is a prime time to visit a comedy tour for example is it still not perfected at the beginning but you're slightly bored of the routine at the end? That's from Calvin. This is quite an interesting question, actually, especially with today's guest.

Because Alfie Brown, who is a good friend of ours, huge, have a word, Hall of Famer. He's taping his stand-up special tomorrow in London. And then he's touring the show.

And then it's getting released when he goes to Australia. Now, I get it. He's been given an opportunity. It's the Soho Theatre producing it. You get paid for it. I get it. But for me, and I've heard Anthony Jesselner talk about this when he was on Rogan, my biggest nightmare as a comedian

is taping the show and then finding a tag that makes a joke go from a 7 to a 10 two weeks later. I don't really want to tape stuff until I'm done with it. You know what I mean? Yeah. So when I go to Hot Water now, I tell them no i tell them no clips oh because i'm doing new material yeah and hot water are mates of ours and they're keen to get things up they've built their empire on clips yeah i'm now using hot water to develop new material i absolutely absolutely do not want

them to publish anything i want to be able to decide for me this tour is planned out i know when i'm filming and it is the it's not the last night it's the night before because exactly like you say i want it to be i want in your heart to know that you've got every bit of that material right and that you're almost ready to move on for it i've got a bit of exciting news actually that i sort of forgot i sort of told carl yesterday so i so my second liverpool day to the philharmonic is the 20 saturday the 25th of june and i'm either going to be filming that the first date or a combination of the two or whatever right and for a while i've been trying to figure out who's going to film it and stuff but and how to fund it because

these things cost an awful lot of money to do to like netflix standard which is look there's no i'm i'm not pulling any punches here i want to give it to them and go have a look at that do you want it and whatever um there's an american production company who was sort of sniffing around like how we sort of think adam's good we've seen a bit of his stuff. And then one of their bosses heard me on Flagrant 2 and was like, we were sort of talking to this guy, weren't we? Because he's fucking good, mate.

And he was great on this. So they're now looking at co-funding it. And they also want to release my Club Comic special that's already on YouTube. And if you haven't checked that out yet, what are you waiting for? Adam Rowe. So good.

Club Comic. Search it on YouTube. They're haven't checked that out yet what are you waiting for Adam Rowe so good Club comic search it on YouTube they're going to rip the audio off that and play it on the Radio X City's FM across America for me and I get a little bit

of money for that the old residuals yeah nice so what else it was Flagrant 2 that tipped it over the edge yeah

so if they this is the problem when people coming in and offering things that's great isn't it in the ideal world in terms of filming in terms of

is the show perfect or anything you might be the question Calvin's it's an interesting question he's basically saying if I could get to

every one of your tour shows what do you recommend does it go a little bit stale by the 30th show or do you want it fresh or whatever it's almost like it depends what you want if you're a super if you're a massive comedy fan like do you want to see the development as well because i'd say that we're both doing preview shows like adam's just about to announce those uh those work in progress shows if you're

a massive fan of adam you really want to see one of those progress shows and see the last Philharmonic show because it will be fascinating. If you look, don't get me wrong, if you're a plus one who's not arsed, you might not want to see it twice. But if you're a proper fan of Adam and comedy, like so I've got New Material Nights coming,

I've got tour previews in June, July and August. And I think if you're a real comedy fan, you could see me do a tour preview in, say, Manchester in June and then you could see the tour in November and find it fascinating. I don't think one is necessarily... It's not like the early ones are shit. They're probably going to be a little bit rough around the edges and there's going to be some raw moments.

Can you imagine if someone had seen that first attempt I did at that doctor's routine? It wasn't the same joke. And then what it became. But it was still dead funny. Yeah, but the evolution, you're absolutely right. To sort of answer the question, for me, we are professional entertainers.

And although stuff does get stale and people do get bored of their stuff, it should get better and better and better as the tour goes on. It should. Now, there's a lot that depends on this. As comedians, it's the most honest art form.

You're the most you. You're not acting. You're not reading a script. It's your thoughts, your feelings, your beliefs. So a lot comes into play when it comes to what is the best night it's not just at what point the tour you're in it's what's happened that day what mood you're in what arguments have you just had with your missus what did you have to eat are you feeling a bit sick like that can all you there's not real for me the show should get better as the tour goes on but that doesn't necessarily mean

the last night will be the most electric it just doesn't yeah sometimes you connect with the crowd but this is what 10, 12 years of being a stand up

will do my 20th birthday as a stand up in three weeks that's what that'll do it will just it tunes you into that professional delivery

like your bad day you've not eaten you're a bit tired you can just put it in you into that professional delivery. Like your bad day, you've not eaten, you're a bit tired, you can just put it in a gear. I'm telling you, if you see my tour at the end of the tour, I'm not going to be bored of it. It's a 25-day tour. I've waited 20 years to do a tour. It will be ready on the first night in Belfast and it will still be singing by the last

because I'll have toured it, prepared it properly, done the previews, I'll hit the marks. Yeah, there's some other factors and sometimes the crowd will just make it lightning and everything, but you know every time you turn up to that show, you are going to fucking land it, aren't you? Yeah.

But Calvin, if you are a diehard, I genuinely suggest coming to see some of these work in progress and previous even if you don't want to see and look to be honest yeah i'm not begging anyone to come and see a show twice i think dan's absolutely right if that's the type of thing you would find fascinating then absolutely do it i think for me seeing a joke for the first time is the best you're ever going to see it and like laughter wise but if you are interested in it not're ever going to see it, like laughter-wise. But if you are interested in it, not even necessarily going to a work in progress,

go and see it in two very different rooms and see how the comedian performs it differently and see how they react differently to that room. Like the smallest room on my tour is Alexander's in Chester, which holds 110. Now I'm doing four shows there. They're all sold out. I love that room. I will perform this show completely differently in that room

compared to in Liverpool, where there's 1,600 people in the room. And seeing both of them would be fascinating for someone. Comparing those two to the Frog and Bucket, which is a comedy club with a high stage and a different level of performance. Every show on this tour, the content will largely be the same, but the performance and how it's delivered and how it comes across is different in every room.

And the connection with the crowd because of that as well. Big room comedy is definitely different from Alexander's small basement comedy club. Yeah. And in terms of the filming that Alfie's doing, it's great that he's got that opportunity it's not ideal is it you want to be doing the tour and then filming yeah because you've got it singing you've got it right but but this is where and like with those american guys

it's when opportunities land you have to make them fit to their schedule as well don't you like hopefully they want to record all of that at the end of your tour do they what the one that i i'm in a very fortunate position where i've gone we're filming on this date all right great in this room and you make that work right brilliant that's great because it's where i want to film it but I've just had a little thought there. I might put one last date on in Chester and film that as well. And depending on where the special ends up, I might release both, where you can see both

and how it's different. Just the contrast. In the Philharmonic compared to 100 seats. And if you get proper cameras in, if you get proper cameras in Alexander's, it will take it down to about 85. Yeah. So it will be amazing you could do Chris Rock style, you could cut

and see the reaction that won't look quite right in those two rooms Chris Rock did that in very similar size venues with very similar production and I know what special you're talking about it was like the all around the world tour or something like that also I didn't love that I thought it was an interesting concept

and I think he would have been better not doing it. Yeah, I absolutely agree with that. But it definitely would be far too jarred. Like, the way this would have to be done... It's a B-side. Yeah. The way this would have to be done is, there's the special

and here is what that show also looks like in a 20th of the people. Yeah. Yeah. It's fascinating. Again, it's for the people? Yeah. Yeah. It's fascinating. Again, it's for the people who are really into it. But I'm absolutely going to do that. I've just decided in my head,

and that is 100% happening. I'm going to do it now, actually. I'm mulling over how to do this, but I've got a little new material night that's going to start in Chorlton in Manchester. We're going to run it. Move your whistly nose. You it. Move your whistly nose. You what?

What? Move your whistly nose. I don't care what they will. And it's going to be the first Tuesday in February. No, it's going to be the second Tuesday in February. Tuesday the 8th. Is that right? Could you just check that, Finn?

Tuesday the 8th. It's going to be Tuesday the 8th of February. There's only about 50 tickets available. I'm going to start doing, I'm going to try it this once at a place called Man Bites Frog in Chorlton. Will who does all our extras, he came up and just filmed the ghost hunt with us.

I want somewhere where I can be comparing this is what's happened with me in comparing now. I don't want to compare other people's shows anymore I just want to compare where I know who's on so when we do the secret Sundays or our shows I really like comparing those

when I go to other people's I'm like I'm not being responsible for your not very good night anymore that's what 20 years has done and so I'm hoping it's going to be a monthly Tuesday in Chorlton it's in South Manchester the ticket's going to be a monthly Tuesday in Chorlton. It's in South Manchester. The ticket's going to be £6.50 plus a small booking fee. The link will be in the description. The Skiddle link will be in the description.

This is what I'm going to do now, monthly building up to the tour previews, just talking about development of material. So it's going to be called New Bits with Dan Nightingale. Go and have a little look. This is me starting the ball rolling properly to hit the previews in June, July and August. And it's very exciting. And you're going to be doing your,

you're going to announce it on Patreon, aren't you? Your work in progress shows. Yeah, I'm looking for a room in Liverpool at the minute for the 3rd, 4th and 5th of February, which is the three nights before the already sold out roast of Adam and Dan. I've got somewhere that said you can do the 4th and 5th, and I might just end up taking that and just doing the two. But ideally, I'm going to get somewhere, the same room that just lets me do all three.

Now, obviously, I could just immediately put it in the small room of hot water. But to be totally honest, I love hot water. It's my home club and it always will be. I just want to do stand-up in a different room i've just done so much stand-up in the month of december of hot water and i'm i'm doing it this weekend and i love it and it'll be great to be there but to be honest with you i find the room too easy to get a genuine reflection of how this material is going to go you want some you also want some variation i just want a 50 60 seats of room where i can where i can go here's the stuff and that was good that car was really good um yeah i just want a 50 60 seats of room where i can try this stuff out i've got because of what's happened over the past couple of weeks i feel like

you've got some life experience going well i've got some stuff i've got because of what's happened over the past couple of weeks you've got some life experience going well i've got some stuff i've got to talk about but it's it's really strange how things happen you know as a comedian and you know what i'm like with like spirituality i'm not into it but there's certain things happen when i'm like ah and there's a couple of things i've been working on stand-up wise that this whole new situation has literally put a string through and ties it all together. And I'll explain what I mean to you when we take a break in a minute. No, I can easily imagine, yeah.

It just goes, ah. Just a slight change of wording here, there, and there. And it goes from four routines to a show. Ah, yeah. Oh so this is the thing tours are so fucking exciting but also they're getting in there to rooms of 50 people and this is what having this and having an income from the patron does it means i don't have to drive to fucking like some random gig in coventry on a wednesday i can give up a tuesday where we're probably not going to make any money but play to to people who are going, go on Dan, we want to see these new bits. And like Brennan's coming down, we've got guys that we know from the podcast. Hopefully Adam will come down at one

point. He's doing the same thing in rooms that you're not even taking into consideration finance. You're not worrying about that. You just want 50 good souls who are just sound and into it to work that stuff out because once you put that string through it the first time you'll be like oh it got it's a bit offline there do it 10 times do it 20 times and it starts tightening up and then you get to the point where you're ready for that tour yeah it's uh it's very very very exciting going all i'm saying is you know that last tour date, you know, where they're filming in Chester.

Yeah, well, I know a local supporter. Got to get the work somehow, lad. Yeah. So, and if you haven't bought tickets to either of our tours yet, I'll be honest with you, you're running out of time because I know you're adding extra dates and stuff and you've got a couple of months

before yours kicks off. Mine kicks off next month, the first week, Nottingham two shows in Birmingham, two shows in Chester are all sold out the week after that, I can't even remember what the week after that is, but there's not many shows I've got left with more than a handful of tickets left

I added Belfast and Dublin, which was my dream for 2023, to add them to this tour is just because the tickets have sold really well we've added extra dates in leeds manchester birmingham shrewsbury i've got another hot water date we've also added nantwich and south shields it's so fucking exciting dan nightingale.com and it's just because of the support of these guys. Appreciate the fuck out of you. I've got a few more dates coming,

which will be announced over the next week or two. Because, so, I always wanted Liverpool to be the last date of the tour. It now is going to be the last date of the tour, but it's because I've added that second Liverpool date at the end of June. So I'm now looking at filling June up with some other dates. So there's going to be a third Leeds date

because the first two are sold out. There's going to be a third Glasgow date because the first two are sold out. There's going to be, there might be some more London ones because two are sold out and one is well over halfway. We'll see how Manchester does.

Three are sold out in Manchester. One of them is, the fourth one is nearly there. We've already added another Blackpool date. There's a second Edinburgh date on sale. The first one is sold out. Stockton is nearly sold out. All four Birmingham's are sold out,

so we might add a fifth Birmingham date. He's selling quite a lot of tickets. I don't know if you're picking this up. Guys, let me just interpret if you don't know the industry. This is quite good. There's about 60 tickets left for Cardiff Glee. Yeah.

I'm looking forward to my Cardiff day. We're very, very, very nearly there. One more time, where'd you get them? Adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows. Mine at Dan Nightingale. Go and have a little look at the Skiddle link for that new material.

DanNightingale.com DanNightingale.com DanNightingale.com thanks Adam my agent that was fun that was one question one section one take

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20% off everything. And free delivery. Enjoy. Like, not prison, but just like a cell. Well, you meet the next girl where you meet her. Alfie Brown is in the building! Hello, everybody. Great friend of the podcast. Have a word, Hall of Famer. Alfie Brown. Let's building Oh come on Hello everybody Great friend of the podcast

Have a word Hall of Famer Alfie Brown Let's do this properly Before we start He is going on tour On the 3rd of February All around the country Starting in Norwich

24th of February Alfie's tour hits Liverpool At Hot Water Comedy Club On the 26th to the 29th of January Before the tour kicks off He is at the Soho Theatre With very limited tickets left AlfieBrownComedian.com Nailed it Now let's see if he's funny and if he's worth the ticket

dance dance dance I only have to be worth 12 pounds to most tickets are about 12 pounds that's cool which I think represents quite good value yeah oh yes I've got an amazing uh support act who is it uh it's me I do half an hour before I go on. But it's me doing crowd work and mucking about. A character. Do a character. Do a Scouse character. I once had a drag act that I did for one show called Muriel Bastard.

And before I started comedy. And when I, before I started comedy and this is, and this is really bad and you mustn't do this if you are a person now, but you know how Afro Ben wrote the, like arguably the first novel called Orinoco. And I had a, we're always on about it. I don't know.

I'm like, stop talking about Afro Ben. We actually already covered that in the first half. We can't really go. We've already done the literature section. It's an argument. Is it Pamela or is it like Robinson Crusoe? What's the first novel?

Some people think it's Orinoco by Afro Ben. But my character was Afro, called Afro Ben, where I would, in Richard Pryor's voice, talk about having written the first novel and it's it was so yo i wrote the first novel motherfucker this is the first ever one of these there weren't no novels before i came along and i just thank god that i never recorded it no i don't think that's right i don't think anything about it is right and I just thank God that I never recorded it. You hold this in front of your head while you do that.

No, I don't think that's right. I don't think anything about it is right. How long did that go? How long? Because that's obviously funny. How long did you get out of that? Oh, I never did that on stage. That was just like me.

I thought that would be funny. Oh, I thought you actually tried it. And then as dramaturgs often express, they talk about taking things from the page to the stage. And I think on Afro Ben's journey from the page to the stage, I at some point had the good, was present of mind enough to realise, oh, that's a bad idea.

Because not only is it a pretentious reference but it's also arguably I don't think it's like racist but it's certainly perhaps insensitive to POCs and Richard Pryor

and everyone it's not racist but let me identify things. Did Muriel Bastard get on stage? Sorry? Did Muriel Bastard get on stage? Yeah, yeah, yeah, very much so. Very much so.

In a basement in Bank, at an abandoned kind of vault, I did a show in a sequined mini dress uh with like my hair slicked back like like i had short hair but like was in full drag with a beard in drag they call it gender fucking because you're sort of enhancing both your masculine characteristics and your feminine ones and that's what i was quite intrigued by the idea of gender fucking so I sort of one of my big centrepiece was singing Let's Get It On whilst sort of screeching demonically

in the face of a couple that I brought on stage and it was sort of like I would affect like the romantic and sexual elements of Let's Get It On whilst like aggressively fuelling like my breakdown and trying to cajole a breakdown in the two people that were on stage look i there are no bad ideas in

brainstorming sell a lot of tickets for the heart i actually sold 30 yeah that was before people knew what it was though just friends and family uh no my friend actually had been sacked and turned up and he was a job that he really liked so that he was very upset by uh and and and then was made to sit through his friend having this sort of surreal and experimental breakdown. When was this, Alfie? I think it was in 2016. Not even that long ago. No, no.

No, what was it, 2015? Anyway, I was a new father. The Stone Age. And I don't think I'd taken it well. I thought this was before comedy. No, Muriel Bastard was right in the middle of comedy i think i'd been going quite a long time but i wasn't doing well so i think it was me starting to go what is what is what's it going to take i think muriel Afro Ben was when I was about 16 years old. Right, okay.

And I... What I want to see is for you to combine these two characters. Afro Bastard. I'm a woman! Let's get it on! You know when you're putting on your brazier and shit That's a really good impression And you're like Your breasts all in that bra

You know Jack You'd sell more than 30 tickets to our patrons Oh i'm sure that it's right up there pipes isn't it yeah this is the thing i wasn't experimenting with this you know surreal uh offense uh material that's that that's what people don't do enough of is you get like you know your offensive jock comics and your surreal comics but you don't get enough surreal offensive stuff. You don't. I can't think of anyone. I cannot think of anyone.

No. Who does surreal offensive comics. By the way. Also, that'd be more brave to go onto the alternative circuit and do something as challenging as that. Turn up at one of these alt nights and do something really horrible. I genuinely think they'd get away with it.

When we had Jimmy Carter and we were talking to him about the fact that he gets away with the worst things you can say. He gets away with the worst things you can say and it's because they're one-liners. Because they're not to be believed he's not pretending at any point

that anything he says is true so it comes across as oh none of this is true so it doesn't matter and that's why they get away last night so I've been staying with my cousins and her fella just put him on now I personally one liner comedy normally is for me

I wouldn't normally sit and watch a special of one liner but i watched jimmy carl's new special and in that last third fuck me are there some jokes that take you by surprise like there's some jokes where you're like wow if you if you did what one of his jokes which i'll tell you is in the interval i'm not going to ruin it and if you want to see them go and watch the special on netflix it's on netflix it's just the darkest material yeah but there's one where i was like if i did a version of that joke with the exact same premise and punchline but in my style there would be articles in every comedy blog thing and the between and it would be a problem but it's because he's a one liner

and he gets away with it and if Surreal Comics did it I think it'd be the exact same thing I mean characters would get away with murder for fucking generations haven't they yes

qualitatively but in terms of like content that was fantastic I really enjoyed that it's just that's just the way that it is isn't it they're all awful um absolutely without exception i can't think of one exception no no there's not there's not one there's not one no no but i'm just amusing myself thinking of all the ones who i like and annoying them with that uh but i made them up i don't there's no there aren't any um because character comedy is all awful and uh

completely kind of opposed uh as to what the best parts of the art form are which is kind of honesty and self-excavation and they're all cowards i said the first half yeah we agreed that's two things afro ben and yeah there's a lot coming back here please don't want us to talk about and you could you can speak with authority as you know the creator of muriel yeah i'm a character i'm i'm i'm i've been there guys i'm yeah i'm like uh michael jordan like is that was my baseball uh character. I just went away, did it to a very good standard. Do you know, for three seconds there, I forgot that Michael Jordan had ever played baseball.

Well, there you go, you see. Yeah. But that couple have not forgotten about Muriel the Bastard. I would pay good... Was it filmed? No. No. No, it was a great night, though.

It was a great night. And then I spent all night wandering around these abandoned vaults loads in east london that these places that are no longer look like the shining you know the bar in the shining all this kind of art deco mirrored and booth seating everywhere it's incredible they have got such and it's like the same thing in edinburgh i'm not sure like i mean probably other cities that i know less well but you know you knock through some wall and suddenly goes oh my god look there's loads of plague corpses in there should we kind of get all the bones out and put an edinburgh venue in there yeah i've played some of those should we charge four thousand pounds for someone to get black lung. Yeah. Yeah. So there's loads of that. And then they always turn it into a kind of Nuffield health or something.

Have you ever, other than Muriel the bastard, not the bastard. Muriel bastard. No, just Muriel bastard. Sorry. No, please. Thank you for apologising, Lou. Have you ever thought,

because I know at one point you got a ukulele out, didn't you? Which will always be hilarious to me. Have you ever thought of doing anything other than straight stand-up apart from Me Audio Bastard? Have you ever thought, I might give this bit a go? I had two... I had comedy songs that I wrote and I performed at school end-of-year shows.

Yeah. So I tried them on stage once uh my two songs one was called the girl in the floral pantyhose oh no it was three the other was called uh we all touch children once in a while this is like the cunt and the gang episode um and the other one was called love me like a movie star which was based on a couple who um uh whose sex life was ailing uh luke and yes love that thank you um and uh and and and then so to spice up their relationships they try role play um and uh of being role playing as different celebrities from music and uh uh film so there was lines such as like uh she told me that she'd longed to get loved like oasis for weeks so i ripped off all her ex-boyfriend's styles and techniques it's not bad actually as you wrote

the Beatles reference there you wrote wrote this at school? Yeah. Cool. What? It's just impressive. Thank you. Just confronted with amazing talent. We All Touch Children Once in a While was based on a lad's holiday I had to Marbella when I was 17 years old where I met a girl called Christina. It wasn't her real name.

And she told me she was 16 and then I found out, we started dating in London and she just got younger and younger each time I met her. She went, I'm actually not 16, I'm actually 15. And then actually, and when she was 15,

she told me it was her 16th birthday and she pronounced herself legally bangable. That was her quote. But yeah, that's sort of on you for going on 10 dates isn't it if every time it every well no no she didn't end up being six years old actually i'm five i should really have seen this two dates ago oh it was benjamin milky bar buttons now that was great That was great That was

That was super duper What a great way of dealing with Your potential paedophilia I didn't even process that in real time That was It's repeating on me Like a good burger You did this by playing guitar Sorry? Well you were playing guitar While you were doing this It's repeating on me. Like a good burger.

You did this while playing guitar? Sorry? Well, you were playing guitar while you were doing this. These songs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But not while I was courting the girl in Marbella. No, I know, I know. That was just the experience that it was based on. Anyway, it turned out she was 14.

That would be a weird way to woo her. And it was actually her 15th birthday, but I'd never had sex with her. And how old were you? 17. I love the idea that you and Marbella are just playing a song called We All Touch Children Sometimes

and then one of them volunteers. Well, also, I mean, I had a reference to paedophilia in there and little did I know that, you know, that's not paedophilia, is it? That's a fibophilia. Yeah. It's like R. Kelly is not a paedophile.

But he is a bad nonce. But is he a nonce though yeah yeah no no pedophile is a medical term bad nonce is like a colloquialism that encapsulates pedophilia and a fever yeah a bad nonce is someone who like wears shit webs to the game yeah yeah like it's not even a pedophile anymore just nonce is kind of lost yeah yeah yeah like it's not even a pedophile anymore just nonsense kind of lost it yeah yeah yeah but that's i suppose yeah yeah but it is also those things as well in the same way that the like lgbtq plus community rightly called out the use of gay as a pejorative thing to describe people who just act a bit shit yeah you can't call that gay because it's like that's that's not what our culture represents that's what nonces are gonna do yeah nonces should go no hang on my shoes are very nice shoes to the game i just happen to like having sex with teenage girls okay famously quiet community though the nonce community they're very they rarely

keep themselves to themselves they don't ram it down your throat you know there's no nonce pride I'll tell you that exactly they just they have their own culture and they just get on with it

leave me to it thank you very much pedophiles are like the opposite of vegans like they want no one to know about it so sorry it's not a pedophile hello can i say non-smear you please there's no right there's no there's no right time to bring it up it's like i'm afraid there's if

they're a teenage girl in around 14 15 it's not pedophilia no it's a febophilia or febophilia there's two different pronunciations of it yeah okay but it's still non-city yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah which that yeah it's on hogwarts i didn't know that so it definitely was a bit of non-city hogwarts yeah prince andrew's not a allegedly. Well, we don't know. He's only currently accused of being an aphiophobe slash defo bad nonce. But he might also have gone lower and we just haven't heard from him. Yeah, but that's... Imagine if he's totally innocent.

He isn't, though, is he? No, but imagine if he is. Like, how awful would his life be right now? If he's, oh, I just... I just went to an island. I don't understand what all of this is. Gave that nice girl some careers advice, she asked for sat on my lap yeah you told them that they were underage before or after they did the deed do you reckon you went oh yeah she's 18 because what that class

is it no they knew what they were doing top no but i'm saying i don't like if you'd have gone is she 18 they've gone oh yeah yeah yeah is that not I'm saying, like, if you'd have gone, is she 18? They'd have gone, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that not like, is he still broke? I think they might have found out after the fact, like, quite a while later. It's not like they finished

shagging this young girl and then Epstein came in and went, right, do you want to find out how old she is? Okay, I'll open the envelope. Oh, Andy! Bad news!

Hey! But don't worry, you're not a paedophile. You're a... I can't even say it. What is it? A paedophile not a paedophile you're a I can't even say it what is it a feverphile a feverphile a feverphile

a feverphile it sounds worse I'd rather be a paedophile than a feverphile a lot of these girls wear sex traffic so that would be a very special

Russian roulette wouldn't it what a lot of sex trafficking victims come from Russia I haven't done some Jimmy Carlin online shit in this section.

It's good. It's good to be back. Russian poolette. What? Russian poolette. Why? In the bum. It's helping a really good role

with the conversation though. What? Fucking a Bieber. I nearly said a Bieber file. I'm just saying, do you reckon he knew they were underage before he did that?

It was wild speculation but I think they knew exactly what they were underage before he did that? Well, it was wild speculation, but I think they knew exactly what they were doing and it was just like, oh, we can do that. Yeah,

but you think Hillary Clinton ate kids? I don't. I think she was there while people did. She sucked them off. Yeah. Right.

Well, that's nice. People like getting sucked off. Right? That thank you for sucking me off is what you'd say to somebody who'd sucked you off. Right, would you back me up on something from the other day then i'm not sure that i would actually no knowing knowing you and the podcasters i do i'm not

sure i want to i don't think there's ever a bad time to be sucked off as long as the people you with can't see that you're getting sucked off um so would you like to be getting sucked off now if none of us knew you were getting sucked off i'm would you like to be getting sucked off now if none of us knew you were getting sucked off? I'm not sure if it would make me better or worse at podcasting. No, but that's not the question, is it? Would you enjoy it as much? But Adam's thing is blowjobs are nice,

therefore you would always want to have them. So you're with your dying grandma, she's on her bed, you're like saying goodbye. God, saying goodbye to your dying grandma is awful. No, no, no. Unless you're like saying goodbye like god saying goodbye to your dying grandma is awful unless you're getting sucked off

by me grandma no no I didn't say that under the bed there's someone noshing you off that is better yeah it's definitely better you fucking morons

as if crying you're like oh at least I'm crying from two places there's not it's not just because blowjobs

are great doesn't mean you permanently want to have them as long as no one else can see i disagree i agree i can't think of any of many of the birth of your first child i was getting sucked off at the birth of my first child oh god okay great um i that's that's private health care for you can we just yeah i might have said this before but i don't think i have when uh jesse was um about to give birth uh and they were checking the nurse has to come in and stick her fingers in your life partner or woman who you know um to see how dilated they are to see how you know close to the baby it's coming so the nurse came in and stuck her fingers in jesse to see how soon the baby was

going to come and i just and i was just sitting there next to the bed going oh he's just that's cool you stick and i had to like in order to get through how awkward i found it i had to try and make it hot like i had to yeah she's fucking stick her fingers up the fucking pussy and i had to try and make it like hot horny for myself so that i could get through the embarrassment just in your head though and then yeah yeah yeah yeah excuse me nurse no alice alice i'm just read your name tag sorry um i've this is fucking horny. I just like to clap. Well, thank you for all your continued service during the pandemic.

Fucking fit bitch. Spit on it. And then when the nurse left, I lent to Jesse and I went, oh my God, that was so fucking awkward. In order to get through, I lent to Jesse and I went, oh my God, that was so fucking awkward. In order to get through it, I had to imagine it was hot and horny. And Jesse went, yeah, me too. And I went, yes. Oh, and that's what I was talking about in the first section.

Equal dirtiness is a really healthy thing. If you say that to the wrong partner, babe, you know when you were being checked for how dilated you were which is not is a really i mean intrusive does not do justice to the procedure does it you basically get worn like a fucking glove by your midwife yes uh you have to be with the right person to be like i found that just to get through it in my head i had to make that day and they're like yeah i am where's the you, yeah. I am. Where does the blowjob come into it? You could really upset your wife. Where does the blowjob come into it? I thought that was just a joke. I just said that to you.

Oh, bloody hell. Don't make jokes. What? I genuinely thought she was going to go, oh, come on, then. Well, no, no, no. No, it was the anaesthetist. I... I... I loved our anaesthetist I I I

I loved our anaesthetist he's like really you have a podcast really show me Laura's literally getting drugs put into her he's like yeah that's doing its thing you know I love podcasts love comedy have a word

and he's like I found it on YouTube Laura's just like what are you doing? Making friends With the guy who's drugging you You know speaking about the Equal deity thing Now that I'm a single man

I think I'm going to Experiment a little bit Because the other day I watched an Asian farmer Dominatrix And I was into it How does farmer come into it? Asian farmer

She was Chinese Yeah Yeah that's in asia farmer yeah that's a job that's a job and she was just abusing the farmhand and i want to find my own farmhand and abuse him that sounds awful yeah it was the farmhand asian no what was what ethnicity was he he was one of me was he white yeah that's cool it's a very specific niche isn't it this is how you end up on a plane for the wrong reasons isn't it i don't know if you're gonna find a chinese farming dominatrix in the west derby area this is at least a motorway job why was she you know what i mean like i don't even think it's gonna be london or china in it because it's not like oh London or China in it. Because it's not like, oh, I found one in Bradford.

It's not going to work out. It's not going to be like, oh, don't worry. It's within an hour's drive. I'd love to use a farm. I nearly said something. You're going to have to leave the Red Wall constituencies, I think. And was he trying to get on with his job? Or was he on a break going, I've got five minutes?

He was just shoveling hay. There wasn't even any even any shit and they didn't put much effort into it and she just come in and was like down and he was like and then yes she's like forcing his head onto her pussy and and was he reluctant and fearful or did he come around to the idea of fucking this he was a bad actor like he was really happy with what was going on but trying to pretend that he wasn't do you think they you'd have enjoyed it more if they got really like if ben wishall was the farmhand and he was like no i need to get on with my work i need to get on with my work leave me be leave me be and then he was and also he in real life is uh homosexual so there would have been an added element of there That would have been a method reluctance

to get sucked off by a woman. You'd imagine. I don't think he'd really have enjoyed it. And a bigger budget. And a bigger budget. So you wins Asian farm rave? I don't know. Well, I think I do.

But now he's single. He can ask the questions. I think you could have watched that porn whilst you were in your relationship you know you would you did nights off uh from yeah i wasn't avoiding it it's not like it's been there all this time and i've been like no no not while i've got a lady i just it was on my home page of porn hub oh Pornhub? Oh, so it's the algorithm. Pornhub's gone like, I think Adam might have split up.

There's so many computer systems going, he's either hungover as fuck, he's just had salt and pepper chicken. Maybe the algorithm knows when you're vulnerable, and that's when it decides to deliver you the really spicy stuff. Oh, poor sausage. There you go. I'm the title of the video somebody

somebody fucking themselves with a kind of vulture's neck or something i love it when you go into this yeah quite again quite niche when you go in the search hook with the search thing and you get too specific and porn hub goes i don't know what you mean porn has got every bit of porn on from the last like 25 years of like some serious uploading being going on and you go like too many descriptive words in and then it goes make what yeah do you remember um hey do you remember dave gorman's google whack adventure you could have a porn version of that where the kind of the porn hub comes back to you and goes like if you can make porn i'll go no no i'm not doing that in the third hour of a wank you can really break the search bar i've never been there that's

somewhere i've never been okay the third hour of a wank never what never never been into the third hour of a wank one wank oh my god been into the third hour of a wank. One wank. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my God. How would you not remember when we've talked about things before? We've literally had this conversation several times. But you have three hour wanks. Have you no memory of this?

Nothing, nothing registering. I'm good at that. I'm good at that as well. I've never known a three hour wank conversation. Have we ever talked about the fact that Dan wanks for three hours? Because he thinks we have. Ever on the podcast, we've never had a three hour wank conversation Have we ever talked about the fact that Dan wanks for three hours Because he thinks we have Ever on the podcast We've never had a conversation about

Sometimes When you used to be into your lines Yeah You can't remember No But I thought that was like drug induced inability to jizz Yeah me too I thought you were enjoying it for three hours

But it is. But it's still a three-hour length, isn't it? It's still me, yeah. That must be awful. The way you presented it now was like that you do that for pleasure. Like, you're like, I'm going to take three hours.

I'm going to... I just literally thought you were all like, oh, I can't remember ever talking about this. We took... Like, it's not... It's performance-enhancing substances. It's not me sitting down of an evening going, right, I'm having an early night

i'll get in bed at 10 get myself wrapped up put a bit of porn on fuck me it's 1am i thought you'd be like putting an nfl game on and trying to come on the two minute warning that's what it sounded like when you presented it then you know when i'm having one of my three hour wanks yeah that's what like spore to you. Right, okay. But it happens. Is that awful? What? Is that awful?

It's part of the reason that I don't want to do that anymore. Right. Literally part of the reason I'm seeing a counsellor and trying to stop doing cocaine because you just end up... And stop wanking. If you need each boat, why don't you just not have a wank

if you want to do a line of i've had a line of cocaine i won't wank i can't explain like i just don't understand like you're not i can't explain you're not learning from the experience oh this isn't working there's such a like a gutsy will to win there i think you always win yeah i would give up 25 minutes in you might win but then it's like one of those victories where you go well i've come but at what cost what your dick's like thanos i'm so tired sir yeah yeah yeah like come coming out your fingernails like all depleted and you're not good to go to work. I know, it's not an ideal situation. It's not a good thing. I know, I know, I'm just saying, like, why?

Not a good thing. It's like saying to a pisshead, like, why are you getting takeaway at the end of these beers? Come on. You know it's not good for you. It's the experience of a mega wank. No, but here's also the point. At the end of a night on the ale,

if I went into a takeaway and he went, just let you know, mate, it's a three-hour wait on kebabs. I would leave. No, but the analogy doesn't work. It would be more like you had to eat takeaway for three hours. Yeah, that's even worse. It's like, well, I'll give you a kebab. No, but when you're pissed, you'd be like,

I could do it. No, no, no, no, no. No, you're saying they're sober in the cold light of day. You can't really compare these two things. Oh, no, of course you can't. It's not a perfect analogy. But you won't drunk. If you were pissed and hungry at the end of the night,

and you're like, I need a takeaway. And then someone goes, mate, you can only have this. You can have no takeaway whatsoever. Or you're going to have to start eating this takeaway and just keep eating it for three hours. You'd be like, fucking begin. Yeah, but there's no way I'd still be there 180 minutes later.

This is why the analogy doesn't work. Yeah, because he's focused. Surely there's an ointment that has to be used the next day. Like a kind of a... Oh, yeah. Laura's like, where's that moisturiser? Linceed oil? I swear to God I bought...

An epiderm ointment. I kind of sometimes get eczema on my bellend. Oh, no, not bellend eczema. And just needs a little bit of an epiderm ointment, doesn't it? I caught that. What? What you said. What did I say?

You said rapeseed oil. I said linseed oil, actually. I thought you said rapeseed oil. I thought you were implying he'd forced a wank on himself. Might have been better. Would have been better. That's why I was so sort of like, really? Cool.

It's like a separate podcast. Yeah. That's quite a good idea, is to have surround sound podcasting for people with ADHD to have two conversations going on at once. People with ADHD is the reason it's happening. Oh.

I know what you said then. What did you say? Lindsay, Ricky. Anyway, you're on tour. You haven ever done tour for three hours it's too long nah

yeah I gave up after 180 minutes a three hour tour I didn't even say tour show I said a three hour tour if I didn't know that's not enough

when does your tour start 7pm when does it wrap up about 10 just as Dan starts wanking you'd celebrate when you come after three hours. Yes. Like when a goal goes in

at the beginning of a football match, people are smiling and they're like waving and going, yeah, thanks very much. It's me. It's great to be here. I love scoring goals. When you come, when you come,

when you score at the end of a game, you come. No, when you score at the end of the game, it's like all like chest beating and like fiercely. You'd really be. Yeah, that's a good a good point actually that's a point in your favor the best football victory is a 97th minute yeah when it bounces off your neck after hitting the crossbar yeah like it will that's the best win ever yeah it's it's awful compulsive addictive behavior yeah and i've linked one thing that makes you basically weird wide and

horny to porn which is usually just facilitated with a few vids it's what is it five minutes if that 10 minutes sometimes and then because of one thing and it's just all culminating it never it like you can't ever find the right scene you're like no next one next one it's dead unhealthy behavior and i do you know you were like well why would you do it but it's it's really hard to explain yes yeah one thing would always lead to the other yeah yeah and at the end you know when people talk about you know when you crap one out you feel like oh you feel all that regret and everything which i feel like is like the cliche line about masturbating if you're a guy you have a wank and then you're like you you're not you just feel shame like i don't it's just a wank yeah but after a few hours when you're high and you're starting to come down and you just where are you like in the garden office like a little

fucking perv yeah i remember trying to explain to jesse once why i carried on drinking after i'd thrown up and and it's quite a hard thing to do it's just addictive compulsive behavior whereby you go well because it's I like it yeah yeah and there's no answer that question is there you've been sick why are you carrying on do it again yeah and some people have the logic let's controls things don't it like well I wouldn't do that because that's not good you're like cool well you don't behave like i behave in this instance good for you yeah that's a really good point yeah yeah jesse has no desire to drink get drunk be drunk be hung over like she doesn't have the uh the the the noise in her brain that that enjoys a bit of quietening by a few boozes to really

let the conversation flow without any internal antagonisms at play it's like a reset button i think a good piss up like it like a if you i'm not i'm not talking about destructive drinking just getting a bit pissed and then feeling a bit rough the next day. It's almost like this weird little reset where you just get to sort of start again. Oh, I feel ill. I'm going to eat shit today. Today is the best I've felt in two weeks

because it's two days after I had a proper booze. And also, the boozing and the piss taking and everything, if you're having a bit of a shit at a time, just the whole social situation of having a laugh and having a drink and the laugh that the drink facilitates because it makes everyone quiet and knock down and be able to be as funny as they want to be and take the piss and have a laugh.

That is what I could get addicted to rather than the drink itself is the social situation of it. Yeah, and then I can deal with drink. Like you were all looking at me going, what I could get addicted to rather than the drink itself is the social situation of it. And then I can, I can deal with drink. Like you were all looking at me going, why would you, it's so weird. Like I've basically got a porn addiction and a problem with Coke and I'm

trying to deal with, as we speak, I'm trying to deal with. Oh, okay. So people, two things in conjunction, probably literally people look at you like,

that's weird. Why would you do that? I don't do that. Like, cool. But I can talk about booze now and be like, yeah, just once every few weeks, maybe once a month, get smashed and feel great.

And people will be watching this and be like, we're talking about what's killing them so flippantly. Because as you know, and you've had it in your family and everything, booze must be the hardest thing to be addicted to. Like, to have a real problem with. Oh, in our job especially. Because it's fucking everywhere.

Because we work in pubs, essentially. Yeah, but it's everywhere. It's available everywhere, socially, with your family, with your friends, with work, drinks. Yeah, if you're addicted to alcohol, almost every social situation you could possibly end up in

for the next year. If you decide to quit drinking today you're gonna have to do a multiple of social situations where a lot if not all the other people around you are doing the thing you've told yourself you can't do anymore whereas if you're addicted to coke or gambling it's a lot easier to avoid a situation where you're going to be constantly reminded that a lot of people do the thing you're trying to quit so totally i uh yeah i quit drinking for two years i was the designated driver between the ages of about 22 and 24 and uh and every experience that you associate with you know the going out, like dancing at somewhere, like getting off with somebody whilst dancing,

going back and having casual sex. There is no such thing as casual sex when you're sober. There's no degree of casuality with which you can, like, render yourself naked in front of a stranger and go, do you want, like, you know, my private cock? But it could go in your private your private mouth uh strained it's alice isn't it um what the fuck are you no you can't have like casual sex sober it's like demented with someone else sober because then there's also the layer of like they've got to

be sober or oh you're sober and they're drunk went out on dates uh as a sober man date and i went like and i you sort of have to say at the beginning of the day like oh you're drinking i'm not drinking by the way so i'm not drinking uh but i'm also i'm a i'm a sober non-date rapist so i won't date i am not dating you but at the same time i am not drinking so i will have more control later on but not that you wouldn't need. And you also second guessing yourself the whole time and going through this like spiral of right prevention. And then this girl, no,

no, she'll go back to yours. Yeah. But like, how sober are you? And I'd sort of like, I'm sober. So I don't really want to fight.

I don't need it in the same way because I'm sober. But then that's the whole thing. Being drunk meant that I really did need it. And there was something about it that I adored to have sex whilst drunk. What got you to sobriety at 22? It's young to like... I had a girlfriend whom I cheated on because I was getting hammered.

Hammered. It's Manuel from Fawlty Towers. And... Is that the reference? You wouldn't be allowed to do that nowadays, would you? Damn bastards! So I cheated on her and then she was

in la and uh i rang her up and said listen here is the diddly-doo on the diddly day i have i put my private penis i put my private penis in someone else's private mouth. No, in somebody else's private pussy, actually. I'm not sure if that makes it better or worse for you, whether that makes it more or less intimate. Whatever. I won't go into details, but cheating has been done. So if you'd like me to make amends for it. And she went, yes, amends must be made.

Fly to LA at once. And I'd just been paid some money by the good people at aviva car insurance and uh for my appearance in the uh commercial with paul whitehouse uh whose name i once said too many times and then it lost all meaning a bit of fun you can have with paul whitehouse so i flew to la uh with a one-way ticket uh to, not knowing where I was staying, only having applied for the visa on the way to the thing, like the holiday visa. And as soon as I got to LA,

I'd been drinking and crying on the plane. I was incredibly pale-looking, tired-looking, got to customs in LA, and this tiny, very looking um asian woman who was restrict as well you would have liked she was one travel away from being sexy yeah i didn't have my um my my my my garden home but uh i'm sure she would have appreciated the double entendre that i could have made anyway um she said uh do you know uh where you're staying and i went no and she went do you know how

long you're going to be here for and i went no i don't and she said uh and uh what is the purpose of your visit and i said just i need to apologize and she went yeah come right through thanks very much indeed like just to avoid the awkward conversation she just went yeah absolutely in you get mate i'm not like i'm not not touching that very british actually um flew to california for a bollocking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a nice moment, actually, when we were in the kitchen where she was throwing things at me and she was like washing up, but like throwing, like she threw a cup at me and then she threw a candle at me and then she threw a remote control. She wasn't washing it up. It was next to the sink.

And then she got a knife in her hand and went. I'm not murder, you and went I'm not angry I'm not murder you angry I'm candle angry yeah and anyway we're friends now yeah we stayed together for a year we broke up a year later

that boozing thing the people who've given up boozing young I feel like not that it's ever easy to deal with your addictions, but if you're anyone who's like, because you meet people who are like, yeah, I quit booze at 19. You're like, holy shit, you must have had a fun A-levels

to get to the point where you're like, yeah, it's second year of uni, but I'm packing it in. There is, I mean, I haven't drunk at all this month because I'm busy and I need to work and I've got this recording of my show on Friday but I feel so incredibly lucid but like and I'm looking forward coming up on Saturday to do hot water and I do hope to get uh dangerously drunk uh you need the reset i need the who else is on that bill oh i would be on that bill it's you it's me always and forever uh

they're only single the one of guys brilliant song though anyway fucking great it was a great song it was a great song uh yeah but it's it's at when you're not drinking and you realize how brilliant and how uh incredibly present and easy it is to work it's you feel like a dick for having drunk so much but it's just it's so easy when there's so many people to talk to constantly and so many strangers and so many fucking character acts on all these bills that you've got to pretend to be nice to do you ever find the hangover though with a hangover you're more creative like we've talked about it sometimes with a hangover it just sort of skews your your vision or something the honest truth is no I am less creative on a hangover.

But, and this is my greatest vice, I think, and I wouldn't have such a problem with drinking, if my favourite time to have a pint is deep in a hangover. The worse the hangover, the better the pint. And I adore to have a few pints when I'm hungover. And there is no real level of hangover that I can get to whereby I don't want a pint.

And I never want a pint more than when I'm hungover, which in the Edinburgh Fringe Festival or at a club weekend, it does mean that the next day I go, oh, just absolutely murder a lovely crispy pint of lager. So Liverpool are playing on uh sunday after the saturday there is just going i am so excited that's the pint i'm excited about most the sunday the sunday pint you want to get trashed on saturday night so that he enjoys his sunday pint more i think jesse says i have no self-control yeah definitely i think i want to retweet that i i am the most like i jesse says i'm an alcoholic

and i think she's probably right but i don't drink like an alcoholic i think i'm the alcoholic with the most self-control in the world i love booze as much as like people who are like, you know, they're, they're gone. It's over for them. I threw a mastery of self-control and managed to keep it together. I'm better than all alcoholics and all character acts.

I'm only joking. Listener. My, my, my most enjoyable point is if I ever do a stretch off it yeah that first one back

yeah yeah so like I did six weeks off it four five six weeks in November to December and my first drink was after the live show you did with us

at Hot Water the Havre Live show that first after the show I had a beer and that was my first beer in like five weeks was it? yeah why did you ever stretch off i just i just wanted a bit of time off i wanted to commit to the gym more and just have a bit of time off it and yeah i felt really good but i i felt better when i had that first sip of that beer it's so good my first one

back after a little time off is just when you're on the transport to get to wherever you're going on holiday. Oh, yeah. And you... I've done this before. You're in a taxi or you're on the... What do they call it? The transfer. You're in a...

And I purposefully don't drink any other fluids knowing that it's going to develop my thirst so that when you get to the hotel bar... Like, I love that. You just dump the bags and go should we just have a quick pint you know whatever time of the day it is oh the airport pint yeah the airport pint what is what is like the the most inappropriate and therefore best time to have an airport pint 4 20 a.m that could be at the end of a night out. So I don't think, I think it's like 8.30 in the morning.

8.30 in the morning is the least appropriate time to be having a pint. Yeah. And therefore the best because it constitutes the greatest treat. Yeah.

I would agree with that. Like a time where you should be getting up and can't possibly still be awake under normal circumstances. Like school drop-off. The school drop-off the school drop-off school drop-off is at 8 30 so i'll drop them all off at school at 8 30

so if i'm in an airport i think this could be school drop-off as opposed to actually having a pint on the school drop-off. Well, I've never done that before, and I think I will have to... Ah, the nativity! I think I will have to heed Jesse's call to stop drinking forever if ever I do drink on the school. Yeah, there are certain pints that if you're like, oh, I just love that, like, you know, school sports day.

Oh, I tell you what, a beer... Run, you little cunt! a beer at a children's birthday party when all the yeah um the the adults implicitly agree shall we just get ever so slightly pissed to make this more bearable for all of us because obviously we don't know each other good chance that we wouldn't like each other if we met in the wild so um shall we just make each other a little bit easier for ourselves to deal with by having these few pints? I put my, I put like, we put money behind the bar. My kid's seventh.

Open bar for his seventh bit. That's sick. The level of judgment of that pint though. Laura came back from her birthday party recently. She was like, yeah, we had a nice time. It was at so-and-so's house and they did a party. Because you can do soft play or whatever. And they were like, dad was there and had a beer.

She was like, raised eyebrows. Like, I mean, fine. I had a beer. Like, you're damn right. He's got 27 kids in his fucking house. I'm surprised it wasn't a bottle of fucking tequila if we have genuinely if we have a home party of mine i want all the dads to know we've got some patrons we've got some fans there will be a open bar in my garden office the kids can have the garden and the house you are welcome to come into my fucking garden office

there'll be lines there'll be patrone there'll be fucking booze there'll be no raised eyebrows i think there's a business idea in this you know i think supplying well-stocked bars for children's birthday parties so you do like bouncy castle and bar combo oh no you have you get a caravan you get a you get a winnebago what do do they call it? An RV. Yeah, an RV. So you pull up and in it, you've got the fucking, like the bouncy castle. You get that out,

get it in the garden and then there's a stocked bar in the caravan. You're like, kids party there, all the dads just in the fucking RV. I genuinely think that might be like a billion dollar business.

I know we work in pounds, but dollars sounds more impressive. Yeah, even a billion pounds would be more. Yeah. But no, I think you sold the idea well. I really, I think, yeah, well, that's great. I'm happy to enter into this phase of planning the business, if you have me.

Yes. It was great. Yeah, the other one I went to the other day was a science party. So all the kids were like going, oh, look, it's... You know, you can put a spike through a balloon, it doesn't burst, and here's how. And knocking back wines. Oh, God, I want to do kids' parties with your...

Do you not have that with your kids' parties? I mean, we just... Reception age, there's a lot of getting to know you. You're about to embark upon... Yeah, I feel like you're just finding there's a lot of getting to know you. you're about to embark upon. Yeah, I feel like you're just finding out who the sound ones are.

Laura will absolutely despise me talking about this. She's like, what if anyone hears it or thinks it or thinks something? Are you talking about that dad of cunts? As if I know their names.

I literally know so-and-so's dad. Oh my God. Yeah. When's it inappropriate? Like, obviously, getting a bar at your children's birthday, but you wouldn't necessarily take your kid to a soft play centre that had, like, a £5 for two Jager bombs offer, would you? I think you'd be a little bit suspicious of that.

Well, that's not drinking. Like, drinking for... Oh, I'll have a, like a... Oh, is that an IPA? I'll have a like a oh is that an ipa can i have a two uh shots of uh tequila please with a wedge of lemon whenever you can do three jaeger bombs and four fruit shoots as an order. Probably not the right place. Shall we have a little interval?

Let's have a drink. God, I fucking should have... Can we have a beer? Yeah. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. We interrupt this week's broadcast of the Have A Word podcast to ask you for a favour.

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This is how we're doing. A Friday night. This is how we're doing A Friday night This is how we're doing This is how we're doing And the west coast party like nobody does Got the keys to my tuk-tuks Oh well that was racist But then again Carl's having a racist 2022 Is that your new year's resolution to be more racist?

To be more inclusive, yeah. Oh, it's not racism. All the racism. Everyone's getting it. Yeah, but it's inclusivity. Wait till I start on the fucking whites. Ponkeys. All of the racism. I need to label. I need to label these.

Get some more whites in here, baby. Because I can't remember which jingles which we're gonna do some agony adam yes i'm here to help hey did you know alfie if you want adam gives some fucking great advice sometimes people write in and specifically ask me for advice now And we're all to chip in But it's, you know This is from Anonymous Wag wag lids, I've just turned 22 and met a 29 year old In a bar on Saturday

Easily the fittest milf I've ever seen Whoa, whoa, whoa Just start that again Alright bruv, you ready bruv She left me, don't from from church um from anonymous wag wag lids i've just turned 22 and i met a 29 year old in a bar on saturday so she's 22 29 easily the fittest milf i've ever seen i'm older than milfs yeah milfs not 29 sorry milfs if she's got a kid she is no but that's just that technicality it's not it. Sorry, MILF's... If she's got a kid, she is. No, but that's just... That technicality is not right.

It's not at all. It's 35, 40 plus. No. It is to you. No, 40 plus is GILFs. So what... Hey, where are you? Do you think you can have a 16-year-old MILF?

What? If a young girl has a baby, can you go, oh, she's fucking MILFing? No. MILFs are... I don't want to fuck any 16-year-olds. You can have an 18-year-old MIL one day let's not ask healthy about it he's done a one-man show about it it was a musical i hate to hit you with this it isn't really what's milf then it

it's it's in and around 29 30 and above 29 because you're 29 you can't see it from any other the kid's 22 and in his head it's an older woman in it i think in porn terms if you're 29 and still doing porn i would suggest you'd get categorized as a milf i've got to be honest when i was 18 i got off with a a 32 year old in the cavern Club in Liverpool. And at the time I felt like, ho ho ho, bit of granny fanny there. Like genuinely, that's what it felt like at the time. 32. Yeah.

Did you get offered it by her or was it her- I got off with her. Oh, I thought you said you offered her. Yeah, yeah. By one of the proprietors of the Cavern Club. What the fuck? Dolling out women. Welcome, welcome, my friend, my friend. Some beautiful 32-year-olds for you.

All right, Ace, do you want some gilf, pussy? We've got nothing about it. You know, the Beatles played here, and now there's a grandma you can knob. She's 32, but she's got a few good years left. So. Yeah, actually, it was over the road. Anyway, do you want to roll that?

Eat it? Eat it? That's such a good reference. She's 29. So you do not look markedly different enough at 29 from what you looked at 22 for, if you've, you know, it depends on how many sunbeds you've had, like to constitute now being a MILF.

MILF is, you need to have had, or at least gone through some years of- Pain. Decay. He was was how old were you that night out 18 and she was 32 i know i was also and he had a generation above milf at gilf 14 years and he was like oh my god like grandma pum yeah yeah but i had sex with a 32-year-old when I was 18, but I never thought of her as a MILF. I suppose because she was so obviously childless. But in her demeanour, I mean. Google, the general consensus on Google is 35 and above for the MILF.

Is that the general consensus? Anyway, shall we ask the question? No, let's all shout about this woman who, I think to, but you see his point? Yes. Because I read it and I was like,

To him, she's an older lady. Yeah, 29 isn't a milf, is it? But to a 22 year old, it's a lady. Yeah.

It's a woman. She's got a mortgage. She's a lady. Easily the fittest older lady who's not categorized by google as a milf happy with that just edit that in look at me thank you better anyway we got texting on sunday god she can use she can use a phone yeah i told her i told her i was just it's good that you're not being racist is she a black milf, Carl? She can be. All right.

Anyway, we got texting on Sunday. I told her I was 25. She believed it. And now I need to seal the deal. I know Adam and Sensei are around this age. And you were once young as well, Dan. Sorry, it's good. No one else.

Because they're so used to the banter. Like, yeah, Dan is dead old. Yeah. He's a great gilfer. I know Adam and Sensei. because they're so used to the banter like yeah Don is dead old yeah he's a great gilfer I know Adam says this girl is

obviously not going to be impressed with the same shit someone my age is so what's your best tips for taking out or impressing a nearly 30 year old woman PS

got tickets for both your tours this year in Shrewsbury can't wait ask her what her favourite Pokemon cards were yeah because she's into it so he's 22 and she's 29 tours this year in shrewsbury can't wait ask her what her favorite pokemon cards were yeah

because she's into her so he's 22 and she's 29 and he wants to impress her yeah you know because she's a lady yeah so you think ask her what her favorite pokemon cards were he will have missed the pokemon generation this will be some yugioh twat right yugioh it will be she was banging to pokemon 100 like everyone else was at exactly our age she's mine and carl's age isn't she she will have been into it and the fact that he he should research it first in fact what he should do is get a game boy color and pokemon blue red or yellow and finish it and then talk to her about it as if he's always been into it and he'll be like, oh yeah, I've always been old for my age.

I was into Pokemon when I was just cum. Look at me cock. Yeah. Ask me for advice again. Because they're so good at it. And what's going to be difficult now is there's a lot of 29-year-old women

listening and watching who are just so turned on. They can't concentrate on Adam's answer. They're like, oh fuck, Adam's talking Pokemon. And they're like, it's me. They're like, oh, fuck, Adam's talking Pokemon. And they get to be Pokemon. My seven-year-old child's into Pokemon.

Yeah, but it's not theirs. Yeah. Right. Yeah, they're into Pokemon the way, like, like I was into the SNES. It's like retro. It's like, oh, this is what. It's new Pokemon as well.

It's not the classic Pokemon. It's the bastard. The fact that he could go to it and's like, oh, this is what. It's new Pokemon as well. It's not the classic Pokemon. It's the bastard idea. The fact that he could go to it and be like, oh yeah, I actually only believe there's 150 Pokemon. The rest, 151. The rest of them, although one of them was genetically modified, it doesn't really count.

The rest of them aren't actually real. Get that kitchen roll, ladies. Get that kitchen roll. Watch Mona the Vampire. All of them. And just chat about that. She be fucking loving that. Ask her what her favourite

episode of Arthur is yeah when he fucking waxes what a wonderful time and day when you can learn to look and play I've forgotten

all the lyrics hey and this is what women your age want yes we know yeah what was her favourite

Powerpuff Girl and why was it definitely buttercup great Mel Gibson film yeah buttercup would fit me it would be a great Mel Gibson film

she was a mil what 29 year old scouse women want starring Adam Rowe we've already remade Batman let's remake what women want

yeah not with Mel Gibson with old Adam Rowe Pokemon yeah best episode of Arthur if you just tie it up. You've got to remember, right,

if she's interested in this guy, it's uncommon. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it's often uncommon for girls to go with men who are younger than them, specifically seven years. Like, generally speaking, women, like, a couple of years older

a lot of the time, especially when they get into late 20s, right? So she has got to think oh he's mature he's into the same things I am we could relate to each other so he needs to remind her of what it felt like

to be younger and the cartoon she was into yes isn't Dee Dee fit in Dexter's lab but wasn't she also a fucking bitch you got in the way

yeah Angelica evil say that say that last bit say that last bit about Phooebe i can't listen i can't comment what do i know 29 fucking phoebe i'm telling you i'm right alfie what do you think i am i'm i i don't use be uh bamboozled by what is going on because i don't

are you rejecting the concept of this well i listen i'm not rejecting the concept of it because that is not what you do and that is nobody looks worse than the person who rejects the concept but what i would say is i and also what you need to get i think you know from my point of view and i what the circle i need to square in this segment of the show is um finding humor in the situation but also like not just what um so like i just articulated my my work. Hey, just what the fuck are you on about? What's talking about Pokemon? What's surely that's not going to help.

Um, but at the same time, uh, yeah, brilliant. I mean, maybe ask her, um,

about other things as well. Like, uh, like, um, this goes on Panda pop. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Or like if she liked, um, how bizarre by OMC, or is that like slightly too old for her? Probably too old. Yeah, probably too old. Oh, I've got it.

I've definitely, I've nailed it. Forget the cartoons. Look, if you agree with Dan and Alfie, cartoons aren't the only way to go forward. Ask her whose side she was on, Eamon's or Frankie's. Oh, yeah. Fuck you right back.

Right. Now, what you've got to do is fill in the gap for the people who don't know what the fuck you're on about so in the early

2000s hell of it you were just going to leave it do that let's move on I think a lot of people will get that reference

anyone mine and Carl's age will 100% get that reference anyone and that too we're trying to help here remember the knickers are nearly out.

Eamon, one knee. Frank, I cannot wait for the comments about this bit, you know, because everyone who's even close to our age, look at Steve, everyone who's even close to our age. He's horny. You get him all worked up. Everyone who is remotely close to our age is going to be like, do you know what?

That question would make me like, I've never had a three hour wank until now. Can Eamon and Frankie, lads? So there was a- Eamon Holmes and Frankie the Taurus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eamon Holmes. Think of-

Eamon Holmes. Welcome to breakfast. Oh, hello, Eamon. It's a pleasure to be here. I am only very small. Oh, well, I'm very large, so it's good to see you. Oh, well, Eamon, you look a very flirty, big, rosy cheek bastard. I am only very small. Oh, well, I'm very large, so it's good to see you. Oh, well, Eamon, you look a very flirty big rosy cheek bastard.

I like you a lot. Oh, well, you know, I just like to cuddle for a little bit now. And then they had a romance, didn't they? I've just realised. I was wondering. You thought that was Eamon Holmes? No, no, no. I was like, why is this Frankie Dottori impression so bad?

And I realised I was picturing Barry McGuigan. Why? I don't know, they're both small. Same syllables, maybe? When he tells you the story, imagine Eamon Holmes and frankie the story right so eamon and frankie in the early 2000s there was a rapper slash r&b star star very loosely called eamon he was first eamon was first yeah so i think he released a breakup song, right? Yeah. And the lyrics were like, Fuck what you said, they don't mean shit now.

Fuck all the gifts, I hope you throw them all out. Fuck what I said, it didn't mean jack. Fuck you, you hoe, I don't want you back. Don't clip that off for socials. Not this week. Right. And then... God, he really delivered that. Two weeks later, his ex released a reply.

Frankie Dottori. I've just been to Cheltenham. Go fuck yourself. GMTV, you were busted on it. You big, cheeky bastard. I don't want you back. That's okay. I cannot do Italian.

You know that. You know it. You're doing well. that's okay I cannot do Italian you know then you snowy he's doing well go on then they've come back look how happy you are I love it when he cries it was it was to this

exact same tune which this is what made it really funny because I remember I bought both right so I remember reading

on the back so the reply was called fuck you right back and it was the exact same melody the exact same song essentially they changed like the key slightly

and it was fuck you right back it was like a reply but then like because of like music law if you actually read the CD

he essentially owned the version as well so it was like a thing but yeah 2004 it was like a thing. But yeah. 2004 it was. Official charts. Eamon versus Frankie.

Do you want to see them? Get a little visual on them. And we'll drop that in. This is in the music. And we'll drop that in. Here. The music video we did when you'd sit and wait for your favourite song.

Oh my god. It's Eamon and Frankie. Sit and wait for these. Now I know them. Now I know them. Now I know them. Vanilla Ice's child. But you'd wait for this song to come on the movie. Oh, got another one.

Just text her. Wonky donkey. And see what she says. Do you want to know a fact? Yes. My dad wrote that song. What? My dad wrote the song Wonky Donkey.

Fuck off. My dad wrote the song Wonky Donkey. Fuck off. My dad wrote the song Wonky Donkey. Just the repeated Wonky Donkey words. And the melody and the tune and he was the one

singing it on SMTV. The voice that you heard. Wonky Donkey. That's wild. Yep. Very different upbringing. I once went to California for a breakup.

We have lived different lives. I want that to be the teaser for the episode, by the way. Just Alvin's gone. My dad wrote Wonky Donkey. He did all the music for SMTV Live. That's great. Yeah. You know, I'm not sure it was quite the

cash donkey that you think it was, but... Well, it's going to get someone laid now. It's going to pay out eventually. Yes. I think there might be a case of protesting too much if he kind of keeps on just referencing things that people who were born in 1991 or 2 might have heard of.

So shouldn't he just kind of quietly sort of approach life with a sort of disdain and like a a sense of defeat that only really roaches you as you kind of uh creep up on 30 nah chow just wonky donkey just keep it lighter okay honky donky alright there's a fear of your own mortality and impending loneliness how old are you? I'm 34 years old do you not like your 30s?

yeah no I prefer them I just I think it's quite specific for me a lot of people who are in more traditional lines of work, I think, are finding them quite difficult. Whereas for me, starting to do well for the first time in my entire life,

I'm quite enjoying it. I can't wait to be 30. And as a comedian, the older you get, the more things you've got to talk about and more experience. Yeah, exactly. And as a comedian, the older you get, the more things you've got to talk about and more experience. Yeah, exactly. Was that a no? No, no, no, it really, really was. I was just thinking about how many times

my common-law wife has been pregnant, almost as if I'm trying to generate material with my own ball bag. Don't call her that. Sorry. Yeah. But you don't do dad material i've never seen you really do much dad stuff no but i think it um like i have a sense of on which it's like informed by my parenthood and also i think as a it gives license to say, to be a certain way on stage that I otherwise wouldn't have. It's definitely, you have more authority as an older comic.

I'm not saying you're a better comic, but there's more rooms where you walk on and they go, yep, comedian. I started stand-up when I was 20, 21. I had mainly good gigs. There were some gigs where like, annoying child is on the stage and i just got sort of it was hard work you started when you were 20 i started when i was just shy of my 21st birthday

some gigs when you're young you're just playing to a load of people your dad's age you don't really want to hear you then you almost have to make a thing of being young and you go i'm young and then you see people i think one of my first ever bits was about being young. I'm young. That's my thing. I've only got a couple more years left in it. And I was talking about how I could make a thing of being young now, but I wouldn't always have that. And then I'd have to think of something else to be.

Yeah. And they're the comics that we really enjoy now, aren't we? Yeah. You know what I'm like? I'm bloody young. You're like, oh, God. Grow up. Feel some misery.

You're 29. Yeah. You know that there's only 151 Pokemon. Ask her whether she was as shocked as the rest of the nation when Will Young won Pop Idol. Oh, over Gareth Gates. Yeah. Fix. I think there's...

To this day, it doesn't make any sense. The bookies, you know, they were laughing all the way to the proverbial bank. Yeah. What's the proverb? The proverb. Yeah. What's the proverb? The proverbial bank. What's the proverb? I just...

Not the bank. Where are you banking these days, Bet365? The proverbial bank. The rates at Santander were just not trustworthy. Invest with us. The proverbial bank. We are the proverbial bank We are The proverbial bank

Ask her how she felt When David Tiemann Got chipped by Ronaldinho In for a penny In for a pound Do you know all of that Do you know I That's

You were there yeah You just watched that When you were young Yeah but You're more emotional When you're young aren't you Yeah Especially really young

Like babies I saw a shot on Two like babies ask a baby how much they cried when ask her where she was when Diana died accuser of

Diana's death it's just all in one date yeah just a bad ass you're a really sneaky five-year-old.

That was terrific. I hope you've got the advice you definitely deserve. Shall we do some other words? That's it. That's the Ask Adam section, isn't it? That's it That's the That's the Ask Adam section Is it? That's it Handing Handing that to Alfie

Was a bit of a shit move Wasn't it? They're like Say Wonky donkey Like Alfie what do you think? And you're like

I'm bamboozled And I think it's valid I love doing the advice But you know Because your personal life's Going so well isn't it? Yeah Some other words now

I've got experience there you go you see wag wag lads please can you have a word with my mate Jono when we were younger he told me he always

washes his knob after a piss as he wants it to be clean all the time for hygiene reasons and just in case he gets a random shag recently I met up

with him we went out for food he'd gone to the toilet and I went shortly after only to find him washing his bellend off in the sink. I said, no way you actually do it. And he then carried on

as if it was completely normal. He even dried it in that mad Dyson hand dryer. I said, he has to stop doing it as we were're around midday and a kid or anyone could walk in, which is weird as fuck. Can you have a word with him as he thinks I'm making a big deal out of nothing? He says, loads of lads do this.

Surely this cannot be normal. Please have a word with him. It's better to have a smelly cock. Okay, I'm breaking a golden rule here. Yeah. Because I will absolutely answer this question but i'm going on record to say it's horse shit he might wash his knob in the sink there is absolutely no way he dangles his cock into a dyson air blade no but you could do

it in the i don't know what just happened but my shitty bixby which is like the samsung siri have for the first time ever on the google when i was saying just heard something adam said my auto the auto rights started going washing his sink in the washing his dick in the sink um yeah yeah it does listen can you understand why you wouldn't have to dip it in like it's a sort of, like you're dunking a cookie or biscuit. Um, you could just, because the sides are open as well. They don't have walls up the side. So you could, and I think I'd be quite interested because, you know,

do you ever put your hands in the Dyson Airblade and then watch the jet of air kind of push your skin in? Yeah. I'd quite like to see what that looked like. Yeah, because it only really stops at the bone in your hand, doesn't it? And there's no bone in your cock. No.

That's absolutely true. The proverbial cock. Can I just go on record and say those Dyson Airhand blade things are fucking rank. They're rank. They're rank. They're fine when they're brand new. You're like, woo!

And when they're even just a bit old, you're just like, you're putting your hand in. There's just like residuals everywhere. Fucking horrible. Maybe more people are doing this than you think. Because it blows the water off your hand, doesn't it? And then it collects in a pool at the bottom. Grim.

And then the sort of scum from all of the kind of crevices of your hand. isn't it? And then it collects in a pool at the bottom. Grim. And then the sort of scum from all of the kind of crevices of your hand. Just my classic fucking... Classic. That is classic hand washing. I often, now, this is the truth, when I wash my hands in a public toilet, I just go back into the cubicle

and I use tissue to dry my hands. I think it's a pretty good policy. Yeah. I just use hand sanitizer now. the cubicle and i use tissue to dry my hands i think it's pretty good policy yeah yeah i also i can sanitize it now there's a lot of understanding in a male bathroom there's i don't think there's loads of judgment like if you see a lad drying off his pants under a hand dryer it's international oh you've spilled a drink and you don't want to look like you've jizzed on your pants yeah there's a lot of understanding yeah but i think washing your dick in the sink is gonna get a few i think you're gonna end up with like a duty manager you just have to be a little bit more pragmatic than that and think if it is a big deal to you as i think it

should be to all of us to have a clean penis then you want to make sure that your penis is clean when you leave the house so that you don't need to use public restrooms to wash it you need to if you if your dick cleanliness isn't sustainable enough to carry you through a few hours out the house then i might venture to suggest that you haven't cleaned your dick properly in the first place yeah and if you've had a dick clean before you leave and then you're worried after an hour and a half of sitting in a fucking Nando's

that you're dirty down there. That's a medical thing, isn't it? Yeah. Also, what's the stand? OCD, isn't it? Does it not mean post-piss? Yeah.

So he's worried about any urine. Do you dab your dick with a bit of tissue? Do you ever get a bit of... Always. Do you ever get a bit of tissue do you ever get a bit of always just do you ever get a bit of tissue and just on the end yeah yeah just to like to to blot it yeah um just to yeah you did it dab like a gentleman at the end of a meal yeah yeah dab the drips from each um nook of your rue hole yeah

yeah and yeah oh yeah yeah Are you wiping on the door? You what? I'm just wiping on the door. Are you really? I love it when everyone's taking a call, really, literally, today. God, that's weird. That's not clean at all.

I don't think you do that. No. Do you dab your dick? Do I dry my dick? With a tissue? Yeah, you dry it, yeah. With a tissue? Without somebody's hand. Do you not just have a little wiggle off a tissue Yeah you dry it yeah With a tissue What else What is my hand?

Do you not just have a little wiggle off? Yeah you shake it But then there's always a little bit of residual Oh you're a residual dabber Oh touche I'm not I'm not I just Are you a dabber?

Yeah just shake If I'm in a cubicle I will often dab But If I'm out of urinal You can't can you? No So

No No you can't You can you? No. So. No. No, you can't. You can't whip out a little pack of hankies. A hanky. Put on my little Kleenex balsam here and just dab the end of my belt. From your sleeve like a fucking nana. Ted hanky comes in.

I don't think you should say anything for the rest of the episode. Who's in charge here? What's up, Mitch? Why don't think you should say anything for the rest of the episode. Who's in charge here? That redeemed it, actually. Can we just have a shower before you bonk? If you meet someone and they're like, I want a one-night stand, you get back to Ares, and you're like, you're right, love.

Go and get yourself warmed up. That's weird. I put that shower on for us. That's weird. Have you ever been told, when you've gotten back to a girl's house to wash your willy? Have I ever been told? Like a prostitute. You can't lie.

No, not on a... No. Have you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got told to wash my willy and I went, pardon? She went, can you go into the bathroom downstairs just to wash your penis? Wash your willy and I went, pardon? She went, can you go into the, do you want to go into the bathroom downstairs just to, you know,

wash your penis? Wash your willy. Sexy bitch. Wash your sheets and your penis. And I went, pardon me? She went,

well, that's what you do, isn't it? You know, just as, you know, be polite, you just wash your willy downstairs in the sink. You're like,

first of all, you're not whispering and your flatmate's bedroom doesn't have a door and we're outside it so i just appreciate if you'd maybe mention this before we got into your house second of all this could have been done on the porch i will do that because i can't not now but i don't need to do that because these preparations were made before I embarked on this excursion with you, very confident in my cock. And now you have made me question it, which is fine.

I'll go and clean it. But, yeah, awful. The things you'd agree to in that moment, I don't think any of us, if we were truly honest, would be proud of the list of demands we would instantly call to if i was drunk enough and i got that done she was like could you just go downstairs me flatmate to barbeque and a haircut i'd be like yeah yeah what we're doing here mohawk couldn't hack it like i was so put off by the whole experience and i went upstairs feeling so sexless and then she gave me without any cocaine a three-hour blow job

fucking incredible neck muscles she ended the blow job looking like butterbeak three hours oh my god it was absolutely remember i just couldn't i'm not gonna cut i don't even really have a full I can't explain the three hours. Oh, my God. Brock Lesnar. It was absolutely remarkable. I just couldn't, I'm not, I don't even really have a full, I'm not fully turgid. Not my exact words. I think you got away well there with the just, could you go downstairs and wash your knob?

Willy. Of course. Of course. Willy about 98 times. Could you go down and do an online application for ISIS? Yes. Begrudgingly. You said the word really about 98 times. Could you go down and do an online application for ISIS? Yes! Begrudgingly! What, do you reckon your line would be there?

Isn't that how you got cancelled the last time, is asking where somebody's line would be about something like that? Hang on, let me just check through. No. You've asked us lots. It'd be fine. Oh, it would be bad. It would be... Because you've had a couple of beers. 65. The line is... Oh, it would be bad. It would be...

Because you're... Like, what? You've had a couple of beers. What if she wanted to paint you? Not like your body. Not like your body, but you just got in and she's got like an arse of shit

and things and she's like, just sit there and she's like... That would be very, very... That would be like a three out of 10 on is this going to put me off. After a... So we've been on a date. There's been some booze.

No, it's a... You've met in a bar. In a bar. we've been on a date. There's been some booze. No, you've met in a bar. In a bar. You've been on a... Laura's gone. Fucked off. She's gone. Took the kids. Moved to...

Yeah. Namibia. Oh! Feels like a classic. Moved to Namibia because she's heard it's nice this time of year. Got there. Nicer than she thought.

Decided to stay. She's met a new fella. His name's John. She's shagging him. He's better than you. She's gone. Great. Right?

You got bored of your own Laura's gone again. Namibia. Sounds nice. A lot of people holiday there. Surprisingly lovely in January. Travel was a bit of a twat with two kids. She still did it. 14 hour flight.

Fire fucking cake. So we've done a halfway live show but it's not a listener it's not a listener right and we've gone out afterwards we've booked a private little bar which is on our own space done a thing and this girl's come to me like oh my god um i i really fancy you do you want to come back and you have a little few drinks you have a little snog and all that sort of stuff and you go back and then like what you're telling me if she wanted to paint you so we're literally at her place you're walking she's just about before you come in she's in a house we do this she's in a house share there's right no door so there's no mate sleeping no there's a lock on

her door so she's put the key in her own bedroom door and just as she goes to turn the knob she turns back and she goes by the way before we she turns back to him, she goes, by the way, before we fuck, I must paint you. And then she opens the door and there's a chair for you, a chair for her and a big artist's canvas. Do you know what I wouldn't like about that? The fact that it had already been set up before,

before she went out. She better be a fucking hot artist. My first question would be, are you a fast worker? How long does it take you to paint? And also, if I've been boozing and it's after a show, you've got a finite amount.

I'll be sat there with a pot noodle going, go on then, paint me. Go on. It's going to be a fucking weird painting, isn't it? By the way. Fat bald man with a pot noodle. Anyone watching this, could you just go back to that position again?

Anyone watching this, right? Who is a good painter? If you could freeze frame this, right? If you could paint what you've just seen and send it to me, I will genuinely, as long as it's a... Oh no, if there's an artist, we will...

Oh my God. We literally got an Instagram. We literally got an Instagram DM last week from an artist who was like, I am an artist and I would like you to do you a canvas for somewhere that you might get moved to. And this should be it. It should be me.

Get that image. Pop. With a spoon. I want to sit for you. It's a pot noodle with a spoon. What? I've never eaten a pot noodle in my life. Oh, it's a fork.

Yeah, is it? There you go. It's a fork you want for that old boy. Any good artist would be able to imagine a fork. Fact. Fucking hell. I'm sick now. No, we need the slobby pose you did before.

Do we want the kettle on? Do we want... I'm not eating a pot noodle. Why not? Why is it there? Chicken and mushroom. A great combo. Apparently there's no mushroom.

It's also vegan. Yeah, there's no mushroom It's also vegan Yeah there's no chicken in it No chickens were harmed In the making of this chicken noodle That's not Where's the other pot noodle That was knocking about There's no chicken in the pot noodle

No this is a classic Same one No but I'm not saying they're veggie But there's no chicken in it is there It's chicken flavour They are They're vegan

Are you sure Yeah No no no Oh vegetarian Veggie There's no chicken in it That's bonkers Ready They are vegan. Are you sure? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, vegetarian. Sorry. There's no chicken in it. Bonkers. Ready?

Lovely. Pinta. A3. A3? A3. A3? A3. A1, surely.

Go bigger. A3 or a2 your choice um so you'd be up for that what she said what if she said just before she opened the door can i pay you she says she'll be done in half an hour i mean i'm not very good at avoiding awkward situations, so I'd probably go along with it just to kind of be... As somebody who's had quite a lot in my career of what I would call obligation sex, whereby you have sex because it's just more... It's less awkward than having a conversation whereby you don't.

Yeah. I would be probably painted, yeah, definitely. I mean, and it wouldn't even be like that much of a, it wouldn't be the worst thing that has happened. What if she wanted to? It would be dead annoying. It wouldn't be the worst thing. You're pissed and horny.

She's hot. She's like, I'm going to fuck you. Let me get my paintbrushes. No, it'd be dead annoying. It would be annoying, but look. I would have talked my way out of the fuck by the end of that painting. I'd have compared it and be like, what? I'd be so annoying that by the end of it she'd be like,

not only do I hate this painting, I'm not fucking you. I would talk myself out of a shag. I'd be like, no, because a lot of women prefer dominant men. I'd be like, I'm painting you. I would talk myself out of a shag. I'd be like, no, because a lot of women prefer dominant men. I'd be like, I'm painting you. Like a sexy Neil Buchanan.

Just get her on the floor. This would look shit hot if you had a camera way up there. Yeah. Yeah. I think that might be close to my line what if she wanted to look at your passport and you asked why and she said it was to check your ethnicity would i fuck a racist no you don't know she's racist also also what about me

isn't definitely caian. No. I mean, where are you from? That Shaggy song came on. You had suspiciously good rhythm. I'd like to see a passport. I miss the boom-bop stick. Down, down, down. I miss the lover, lover. She's like, well, I love R&B and hip-hop,

but this guy's too good. A weird racist that likes R&B and hip-hop. Love the music. Can't stand the culture. What was the question? It was... Why? It was about where your line would be, wasn't it? It was about washing your penis in a sink.

Obviously I do. Paid me. Paid me like one of your French in a sink. Obviously, I do. Paid me. Paid me like one of your French girls, Jack. Look, your mate's got OCD. He's got a mental health condition. You need to get him some professional help. Yeah, or his own Dyson. One more, and then we'll call it a day.

Wag Wag Lids, huge fan of the pub. Pub. Pub. Pub. He's actually, he's a, fuck you. Just cut that out. Look at me.

Huge fan of the pod. It's got me through some rough times during Rona. Can you lads please have a word with my helmet of a cousin? He's also my best mate. We literally grew up together. He's just turned 34 and decided to buy himself

a pair of rollerblades he's a decent lid normally but his new hobby is fucking bizarre he basically looks like Dan without the glasses yes

a massive nonce now he's rolling around fucking skate parks in the middle of winter and even came into work limping the other day because he fucking fell over ended up

with a badly bruised coccyx sort him out please he definitely listens to the pod his name's nathan please name and shame him so uh the crime is rollerbladed do we need to have a word he's 34 he's a milf. Nearly. It's very nearly a rollerbladed milf. Yes. Yes. Almost.

Almost. But also, that's the... And then after that, it stops being gendered, doesn't it, when it becomes gilf. That can be grandma or granddad that I'd like to fuck. And there's no way of telling... And that's good, actually.

It's progressive. Or a pilf. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't milf man too? No, he's progressive or oh he pilt uh yeah yeah yeah isn't milf man too uh no he's dad oh god yeah yeah and then gilf is like but then gilfie yeah sigurdsson likes to fuck children so it comes back around allegedly he's in a fever file it's only alleged he just suddenly stopped playing because he was too good at football. Upset me. Right.

This guy needs sorting out. There are plenty of modes of transport, Nathan, that will be absolutely fine for you to get about your merry life. There is no reason to strap your transport to your feet. It is outmoded and unfashionable and you're a twat. So just fucking grow up, you stupid fucking loser. And don't get a skateboard either because they're a hazard. The city has provided you perfectly good scooters that you can rent with all the other cunts and get about that way. Now, get off your silly rollerblades and, you know,

swooping about with your ponytail that I assume you have. Okay? You're obviously, you know, you're, you're, you're, you, you, look. Okay? The last guy washed his knob too much. He needed help. The problems were not disguising themselves well. I would argue they are disguising themselves even

worse in this situation the rollerblades are a cry for help and uh we need to get on to a men's mental health charity sharpish because rollerblade rollerblades is the very zenith of um an appalling uh mental health condition um wow is that better is that the good way to answer the question conclusive and i just like to say that i agree yeah and he said thank you hey i'm not against all rollerbladers i mean instagram reels if you whack it on there it's got some very cute fat fat-batty South American ladies who rollerblade and have their mates rollerblade behind them and film said fat-batty rollerblading through the streets of what I assume is Rio de Janeiro, where the fat bat reigns.

And touche, ladies and gents. Well, I've never seen those, and maybe I'd have to revise my opinion. And actually, to be completely fair, we do not know how fat nathan's batty is so maybe we need to go back to the lid uh whoever what his name is leon leon leon this is about to backfire leon the professional leon sounds like he might have a fat batty um anyway nathan nathan and leon no way are they friends they don't know each other this is Leon the professional Leon sounds like he might have a fat batty anyway

Nathan Nathan and Leon no way are they friends they don't know each other this is more made up than sticking your dick in a Dyson Nathan and Leon

honestly anyway Leon sort it out your friend needs a hug he doesn't need you to be fucking talking shit behind his back

he's rollerblading this isn't funny get a grip at 34 at 34 that's my age i wouldn't roll a blade at 34 would you rather as if you were 34 which would you find it more embarrassing to do warhammer or rollerblading oh and you don't have to rollerblade in like public air you don't have to warhammer publicly do do you? No, they have little sort of dens. Most of them become vape shits.

So, the hot girl, after the show, takes you back. Laura's gone. You're you. Sorry about that. She goes, she goes, you're you. Laura's gone, and you're who you are today. In this moment. And she goes, just about, she turns the door.

She goes, just before we are going to fuck, will you come rollerblading with me? I'd rather be painted. Would you? Yeah. No, I'd rather go rollerblading with a woman. Yeah. What?

What a brilliant reason to get hit by a taxi. It's 2am. Why did you break your leg, Don? Trying to get laid. I'd get her to bend over the railing and try and rollerblade

right into her. Jesus motherfucking Christ. Over a railing. She wanted to go. She didn't want to get fucked in public.

You don't know that. I don't know that. If we could get somebody to paint that. It'd be quite good though. As long as you got purchased, the blades would work quite well. They would.

No, you'd have to fallen over. Like Newton's cradle, you'd fuck forever. Just like Newton's cradle. It's just like Newton's cradle. Entry, be loud, there's no friction Oh, shit That's a pod That is a pod Go and see Alfie on tour

Hey, will you listen to my podcast as well? It's called The Alfie Brown Show And it comes out all the time Loads of time Where can people find that? It's on iTunes, YouTube Alfie Brown show. And it comes out all the time. Loads of time. Where can people find that? It's on iTunes, YouTube,

and all the other places, Spotify. And apart from that, you know, not really interested because you make up such a small proportion of the podcast listening community that it's not really, you know, any point saying Stitcher is there. So Apple or Spotify or YouTube. But it is on the other shit ones.

It is on the other shit. It's everywhere. Yeah. But it's in those places most of all. And, you know, shout out to the Have A Word listener who left a review saying it was fucking boring. I respect that. Loved him on Have a Word

fucking boring because it's the energy my energy shifts in my podcast it's a different it's a different it is great though

I actually really enjoy it and I mean that thanks mate Soho Theatre run for Alfie Brown 26th to the 29th of January for all you London fucks Liverpool tour dates

is the 24th of February and the tour actually kicks off on the 3rd of February. AlfieBrownComedian.com Yeah. Get tickets to new bits with Dan Nightingale on Tuesday, February 8th. The link is in the description. Thursday, the 27th of January,

my second Liverpool tour date at the Liverpool Philharmonic Hall will go on sale at 10am. Yeah. Goes on sale at 10am yeah it goes on sale on that date, the actual date of the show is Saturday the 25th of June that will go on sale on the 27th of January

10am, be quick all the good seats sold out really fast last time, people were moaning that they were going to have to buy tickets up in the skies, we've added the second date, please make sure that wasn't a mistake uh and get the good seats very fast nice one appreciate it lids thank you alfie it's been a great episode it's been really good fun thank you for having me yet again i really appreciate it and love it every time i'm here see y'all soon bye y'all yo bye felicia