Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #157 with Vicky Pattison - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

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Oh, You think darkness Is your ally Upset me nasty bitch Disgusting Wag wag leads you're listening to the funniest Podcast in the game With Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl And Finn

Shut up Finn You good looking big fingered Welsh weird. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go ahead, get on me. Why are you being weird? Hello, hello. Just test. Carl did his own mic test. Carl was just starting early. That's just the podcast.

Hello, hello. Hi, I'm Carl. Carl's just doing his usual vocal warm-ups. Kyle always does vocal warm-ups. Tits. Oh, wow. Pussy. Your vocal warm-ups are offensive.

To who? Yeah. That was offensive. Well, you did what sounded like a disabled person and then went tits and pussy, so it was a little was offensive. Well, you did what sounded like a disabled person and then went tits and pussy, so it was a little bit offensive. To who? Not to you, because you've lost normality.

Wet-ass pussy! Zoe's baby hospice car park. Pussy. Wet! Hi, everyone. Welcome to this public episode of the Have a Word podcast. My name's Dan Nightingale. This is my co-host, Adam Rowe.

I'm joined with Sensei Carl, our lead producer. Finley, he's our assistant producer. And Steve's in the corner, wanking. Both co-producers, actually. Okay, Carl. It's going to be a great episode filled with fun and laughter adam what are you doing we've never ever introduced a single episode at any point oh and we're sponsored by manscape.com yes we are the best in below pube trimming, essentially. Adam. How are we?

We're doing our vids. What? We're doing our vids here. No, we're not. We're doing the episode. We've started. We're on track. This is it.

So ready? Start being great now. I accidentally booked myself into the Savoy Hotel. It started. It started. That's how we start. You did? I was trying to check.

How accidentally, though? Did you want like a table at Nando's? It started! It started! That's how we start! You did. I was trying to check the- How accidentally though, did you want like a table at Nando's? You can't book into Nando's. Oh, touche! One nil. That's me down. How does a canvas feel, Dan?

Did you just invent that then? Yeah, I think so. Someone was like, no, it was what she said. That was great. I went on to, first of all, I looked at the Ritz. That's more expensive than the Savoy. I thought they were in the same weight class. The Savoy and the Ritz.

Yeah. Now, Savoy's down near the river. Yeah. And the Ritz is up near Hyde Park, Green Park, isn't it? Mayferry. They're both Mayferry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah. Right. The Ritz is more expensive. I didn't know that. I mean, it's not, they're both expensive, but one's even more.

Yeah. All right. This is London, isn't it? Yeah, I'm going to London this weekend. Good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know which town he was talking about.

It was London. So I went on the Savoy website and it said, we offer a stay for longer rate where you get your third night free. And I was like, what? Fucking free night at the Savoy. Sign me up. Nice. Right?

That's good value. It is, yeah. Except. So it come up and it was already ridiculously expensive but, you know, I'm sort of in the middle

of a mental breakdown at the minute so I was like, I'll spend it anyway, right? Classic, innit? Lad from Dovecock goes through a breakup and a mental breakdown

and books in for three nights, pay for two at the Savoy. And buys a penthouse. Absolute text. We'll get to me penthouse in a minute. So,

I went on a website and it said, the stay for longer rate, third night free. And I was like, well, that's perfect because I need exactly three nights.

Talk about meant to be, right? So, I clicked on it and I thought it said, rate per night. And it was like, basically basically 500 quid like 480 quid or something like that right so i was like right so that would be 960 for three nights right what so i was like do you know what me birthday was ruined so let's just treat myself but then i didn't realize what it actually said was

average room rate per night for this stay, 480 quid, right? Oh, okay. So what they'd done is they'd gone, well, Thursday's 750 quid. Friday is 750 quid. Saturday is zero. And we take the average of that, and get about 500 don't we so i thought it was gonna be and i then clicked it and i was just trying to double check what the price was

i wasn't actually gonna book it and then it come up yep you have booked the savoy for those three nights and it's 1500 quid oh and i was like hmm oh dear That would take me three trips to London's worth of gigs to make that money. So I was like, no, no. And then all day. It's a holiday for a lot of people, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And so I had to ring up and ask, could I cancel it?

And the poor Lithuanian woman on the phone, hello, Mr. O, yes, yes, we, you want to cancel? Your plans have changed? And I'm I have this thing where I tend to just not automatically be able to lie to people

like I can lie to get out of stuff like that if I've thought about it oh you're phenomenal right but I that sort of sounded like a dig

but when you're geared in you bullshit with the best of them but because it was on the spot and I was hungover yesterday because I was being out with Alfie the night before um no was on the spot and I was hungover yesterday because I was being out

with Alfie the night before no that wasn't the night before was it no that was the night before were you hungover or you went with Dolly yeah no I was sort of

it was the night before the night before wasn't it it's a fun breakdown I was yeah I was on day two and I was still in and Adam does mental breakdowns

with a lot of socialising good times and £1500 three day-day stays in hotels. So she went, have you had plans to change, Mr. Roe? And I went. Has your ethnicity changed, love? Because you were Lithuanian. Hey, Mr. Roe, Mr. Roe.

I think she passed it to the manager. Esmeralda, Esmeralda. There is a scouser on Yvonne. Listen. Listen to him squirm! Hello, Mr. Rowe? Why you gonna lie? Mr. Rowe, why you gonna lie?

You cannot afford! Mr. Rowe, don't, don't, hey, talk straight to me. It's Esmeralda, you know. Did you, is that there? Alright. Glad that got put there. You've really fucked off Esmeralda with the dropping of the thing

no no no excuse me and I went no I just don't want to stay with you anymore I felt like I was breaking up with this woman she went what I went I just don't ow she's dead

she's moved again now she's put fucking hilda on the phone go on keep going i was like yeah i just don't want to stay with you anymore and she's like is it something we have done hello no no no it's just a lot of money isn't it and she goes okay i see and immediately she was like yeah people must accidentally book themselves into the savoy four times a week oh yeah oh you remembered you weren't rich and that's okay we have a button for that pov but i think i'm done with these shit hotels of the world the truly shit ones right well now no i'm in no position to tell you what you're doing here i agree but i think what you've done is gone i want better than this and then overshot it because because i get it i really

i don't want to do the you know the ones in london where they're like it's 35 pounds you're like oh so many people have been murdered here today no we've cleaned up the blood and i don't want those and the travel lodges they're a bit bleak aren't they i know they're functional and everything so that's where i would normally say you're in and like you want nicer in london you can get all right deals knocking about here and there like i've got a i'm not going to tell everyone what i'm saying but i've got i suppose i'll be checked out by the time this goes out Won't I

Yeah but you might stay there again Yeah but They won't know Well do you know if you're in London Because you tell everyone where you are Every day on the internet Oh no And they'll just like

Yeah because he's Lady Gaga Oh they're like Mr Rowe Mr Rowe You're going to have to stop Telling your fans that you're here We can't even function as a hotel Fuck it

No but you'd have to make That's not feasible It is Are we alright we can't even function as a hotel fuck it no but you'd have to make that's not feasible it is are we alright? do you think our lot are gonna like flood it like the fucking Beatles fans just screaming

it's not Harry Styles listen I like him as well but it's not fucking Jesus Christ guys I think people can know where he is okay go on then where are you gonna stay? I'm staying at the Hoxton oh love it yeah Jesus Christ, guys. I think people can know where he is. Okay, go on then. Where are you going to stay?

I'm staying at the Hoxton. Oh, love it. Yeah. Spent time there as a kid. Love it. It's a really nice hotel. I've been in the bar before. Budget.

What are we talking? Where are you? Ballpark it for us. 209th. There you go. That's more in line. Because the travel lodge was like 1.30 at night anyway. And I was like, it's so unbelievably shit. It's close as fuck to the comedy club.

Like I'm at Top Secret Comedy Club this weekend and it is over the road and it's perfect to just stumble after the late show. Yeah, when I was looking to go down to watch a Western show and take Etta down, which I am going to do, I'm just going to, I had a talk with Laura and I was like, just going to wait till she's a little bit older. Cause I don't,

I just, like 30. No, I was like, maybe later this year where she just, I just watch her sometimes and she's like, and I just, you've got to be so on it in London.

Haven't you? You'll be a pensioner then. What? When Etta's 30. No, I'm not actually, I'm not actually waiting that long. No,

no, I was just thinking like the summer almost, but like 150 quid, 160 quid, 170 quid, we'll get you a good hotel for a night, like a decent hotel, won't it?

500 a night, even with their fake discount is retarded. How would you feel being in the Ritz or the Savoy I would genuinely and I did this with the business class flight

to New York I would be so like a caricature of how I actually am like I would wear me me Scouser's

trainees a full underarmor trackie and a cap like I'd have me airpods in even if I wasn't listening to anything me Scouser's trainees, a full Under Armour trackie and a cap. Like, I'd have me AirPods in even if I wasn't listening to anything. North Face backpack on. Yeah, yeah.

I'd want everyone else there to feel really fucking uncomfortable. Yeah, no money. Yeah. Oh, what's that amazing Louis CK bit? One of my favourite bits of his all time when he was just on a Sunday morning and he's crap

and he's got ice cream stains on his fucking top and he's gone down just for a bit of fresh air in the court and he's in this really expensive is it expensive like plush apartment building with like a courtyard and little gardens and the guy comes over and the guy comes over

do you live here and he can see the guy going no this isn't right he goes do you live here just for the fuck of it the receiver goes no and he can see the guy going oh this isn't right because do you live here just for the fuck of it the receiver goes no and he's like oh well this is a private property and he's like oh i don't really believe in that and then the guy goes over and finds like the attendant to go there's a man here probably homeless and just watching the guy's face he can't hear what's being said but he can just see his confusion as the guy who works there goes oh no no he's fine he lives here just having him working

out i like the idea of being the scummiest person i did a bit about this once and i never quite nailed it but i like being the scummiest person to ruin posh people's afternoon like the other way around when you feel like the poshest person in a home bargains and everyone's got mobility scooters just because they're fucked. There's no actual disability part of them. Like, I'm 40.

I've really rode the wheels off it. I don't know. I don't like that. Sometimes when we've been to the shops in Runcon, I'm like, oh dear. I feel like the people at the ritz when you're there with airpods like oh my goodness oh yeah they're everywhere those people are so stupid that like i enjoy fucking with them do you know what i mean like i'd probably put like

my feet up i'd get like a table for two on my own and put my feet up on the other chair yeah and you know someone's gonna do the lou Louis C.K. Excuse me. I don't mean to cause a scene, but just a few tables over, there's someone who just seems eminently scouse. And I'm wondering, is that allowed? I'd get, like, unpitted olives and be, like, trying to spit the pips into the...

Oh, you classy slag. And just be like, what? Miriam, mind your business, you stupid old twat. Oh, well, that's... And there you're gone. No, you're gone, aren't you? Nah, you see, yeah. Can't get kicked out of a hotel your business, you stupid old twat. And there you're gone. No, you're gone, aren't you? No, you're sick, yeah. Can't get kicked out of a hotel for calling an old woman a twat.

Fact. Fact. There you go. Adam's book of facts. You can't get kicked out of a home bargain. Oh, we need to make that book. Oh, Adam's book. No, fact.

The amount of times I've worked as a QC defending someone who's called someone a miserable old cunt in a hotel. We need Adam's book of facts in some way. Adam Law. Chicago Law. Do you know what? We need that on the soundboard. So just press it.

But do you know what? Do you also know what I mean when you're in somewhere that's proper fucking toasty and rough and you're like, oh, like, is that... Like Lunya. What? You said the people in Homeonya's rough you said the people in home bargains before right i don't see them in lonya okay all right well i know i know what he's doing now what does he do he's referencing the infamous clip that we got in trouble for all right oh i wasn't talking about

people who were disabled i was just oh why are you doing it then subtle oh yeah fucking dead subtle carl you literally put the skids on the whole thing i went special needs kind of like yeah that was flowing no i mean do you know what I mean about disability? No, mobility scooters, not disability scooters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the mobility scooters? Yeah, I knew exactly what you meant. Are you disabled?

That's why it took me a second as well. I'm just so working class that my legs don't work. They're just fat. And that's okay. And that's okay as well. But I don't know if that's, some pubs in Manchester, remember when we lived in Manchester, we'd go in a pub, and you'd be like, oh, this, especially in the northern quarter, there was pubs that Manchester. Remember when we lived in Manchester, we'd go in a pub and you'd be like,

oh, this, especially in the Northern quarter, there was pubs that were being gentrified and it was kind of cool. And then there's the pubs were like, no, we're not doing that. And you,

you sometimes go in and you're like, oh, we're in the wrong place. Do you ever get that? Or is it just me? Sometimes. I only ever feel like that in like a city that is alien to me. Right.

So I could go into any of the roughest pubs in Liverpool and just be like, yeah, it's just it's fine. Would they be able to stay open though with all the fans? Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Lodge, you're going to have to stop coming in there. Fucking serving roast.

Or is it Mayhem with all your fanatics Right, okay, but if it was like a Glasgow pub, yeah You know the story of the gig ended on Christmas Day in Glasgow No in Edinburgh, sorry in him a Really rough area of Edinburgh did a gig on Christmas Day A few years ago I don't understand what's happening What do you mean? I just don't understand How that even happens

How is there a gig in Edinburgh On Christmas Day? Because there was a pub That was like We open Christmas Day And we want some comedy on And how were you available? Because I just decided

I was available This was a good few years ago Oh my god If you ever need testament to How keen new comedians are When they're like Right I'm going to make it

and this is what I'm doing. I've got a gig on Christmas Day. You ain't even that new, mate. No? About five or six years ago. Oh, he's still on the fucking grind, though. Yeah. And as we arrived, there was two guys playing pool.

And me and the guy who drove me ordered, and they all knew who we were straight away I ordered a pint I think And a lad went Nah buddy I need bottles This is going to get rough for you It was fine in the end Smashed it

The bottle Yeah Wow That was uncomfortable Especially having to do the gig The bottle. Yeah. Wow. Like, that was uncomfortable. And especially having to do the gig. And it wasn't bad. It was fucking Savoy money. You know what I mean?

No. One night Savoy money. Christmas Day money? Yeah. Basically a little corporate. Absolutely. Oh, I've never even heard of a gig on Christmas Day. Yeah, it was a mistake I'm glad that I made.

Do you know what I mean? But it's funny as well, because your story's not like a joyful one. You know, sometimes when comedians tell bad gig stories, it's like, ah, it was this bad, it was that bad. And there's like a fun... That was just like, it was really scary, but then it was all right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no real anecdote to it. That's why I've never turned it into a bit of anything. It was me, Jojo Sutherland, and Eddie Brimson. I have to say, though, I would rather be in a lively, working-class, fucking a little bit spiky-around-the-edges pub for a gig than a room full of posh cunts. For a gig?

Oh, we've surely talked about this before. Comedy works best where people are sad. I'm telling you, like... I'm struggling. This whole thing about, I don't know, like it's fun to be the working class person in a fucking posh hotel. The worst is being a working class comedian

at a posh room of comedy. They're like, I don't know what this is I really don't know why you're here I think I'm at a point now in my career though and in my life where I could enjoy that death yeah like let's say it's like a 200

people village hall in Cambridgeshire and I've got to go and close it and everyone else has done well because their acts were perfect for the room and the promoters made a boo-boo and gone, Adam's doing alright, he's just done the Apollo, that podcast is going to sell us

a few tickets, let's get Adam in and they all just collectively at minute two go, no this is a bad idea that 20 to 30 minute set, the fact that I am ruining the evening of all those cunts would would override the fact that i'm having a bad time on stage and you're getting paid for it yeah but it also doesn't matter if he refuses you're like it was actually worth just ruining

all these cunts evening but we're not gonna pay you well go fuck yourself the other thing is so many gigs i wish i'd have just gone stick your money stick your gig go fuck yourself and then because i needed the cash and i'd already driven there i just had to grind it out and then sometimes it works out all right but very few times did i ever just walk out because it was dog shit but yeah it's quite interesting that like the hotel i'm staying in this weekend now is a really nice hotel. I've been in the bar before, and it's a nice bar. It's the type of bar people go to, even if they've got nothing to do with the hotel. It's a good bar.

And I will dress a lot smarter in there than I would in the Savoy because they're not posh enough, and it's just sort of smart casual. I'd feel really, really on show when I was a place there in a trackie. But at the Savoy, it would go so far that it becomes funny to me. Yeah, they're just nice, sound people and there's a little bit of money in there,

but it's not, it's not, is it ostentatious? What's the word? Ostentatious. Yeah, it's like, it makes you feel a bit gippy because of like... It looks like hard work.

Being that posh. To be that posh and cared about that much. Oh, this spoon's wrong. Oh, yeah. Fuck off, who's arsed? Like, I've... Oh, yeah, they didn't...

Yeah, when there's like, oh, you, there's 17 forks, 17 spoons, 17 knives, and it's a four course meal, and there's very... That's your carrot spoon. That's your carrot spoon there. This is your bread fork.

Hey, don't be using a meat spoon for your bread. You need a bread fork for that. The meat spoon. You were getting away with it until the meat spoon. Sir, Mr. Rowe, you need to use the meat spoon. Fucking in a steak. Big ladle. Like an ice cream scoop.

Whoa, that steak's lovely. Put it in a fucking cone. Throw that away. When we were in New York and we went to the Michelin star restaurant for me birthday I got lamb chops for me main

like lamb cutlets and like it's a Michelin star restaurant and here's who I am my favourite bit of the meat is right near the bone I was sucking the bone

sat in a Michelin star restaurant looking at my hand yeah you should pay to suck that bone yeah i i called really coming out with some no context have a words recently i think we slightly clipped it but that was pretty gay um i thought that's what you did with uh i thought that's what you did are you not meant to? I was given a knife and fork So I assume I was meant to just use that And I did for the main bit Oh fuck me

Right I thought you were eating it with your hands Like the whole bit Henry VIII Why is he deep throat in that bone? But in my head I'm like This is a fucking 300 quid lamb chop Like I'm getting every fucking millimetre of it

Five dollars That's another five dollars a 300 quid lamb chop. Like, I'm getting every fucking millimetre of it. Five dollars. That's another five dollars. That's about 12.50. Could you stop doing that with the meat, please, sir? Go fuck yourself. Use your meat spoon. It is annoying, that, though.

Like, there's absolutely no... All the things of, like, the, oh, you can't do this. That's the smallest fork. Have you ever eaten anywhere like that? Yeah. I have never eaten in a place where they're like,

this is the ridiculous like Downton Abbey dinner service. I wouldn't know where to start. Isn't the point of it to keep scum out because you don't know what they're doing? Yeah, but it doesn't keep scum out because they don't kick you out if you use the wrong one.

No, no. They just silently judge you from the side use the wrong one no no but they just silently judge you from the side of the room it's an identifier isn't it oh you don't know the rules you poor little thing is it it's like yeah like political speech as well like the language they use like oh you don't know what we're saying because you're not part of the group yeah and then it also works in regional stuff so a working class scouse lad a working class geordie lad or even if you're in south london and you're in gangs and you've got your own like fucking language, haven't it? If you don't get it,

it's a way of sort of distancing yourself from the norm. And that's what, yeah, that's what posh cunts do. Like, oh my goodness. I'll shove 14 fucking of these forks up your ass, bruv. Yeah, bruv. You nailed that, didn't it? Nailed it. I actually thought you were doing Geordie then for a bit, bruv.

I did as well. I thought you'd stop. I'll shove it all up your foot and bite hi right oh that reminds me of the gentleman have you seen the gentleman no oh with the guy from sons of anarchy he's got a machine gun has anyone charlie honham yeah and he goes all right i'm sure you're all fucking naughty boys and that's great i'm gonna fucking stab you in it he goes i've got a fucking machine gun it's the weirdest thing it's like it's this you know in a film where you're like you know obviously it's in london i didn't mind the gentleman i thought it was all right there was bits of it that were a bit annoying but it was generally quite a good film we went to the cinema watch it but there are weird things that are not meant to be with each other in cinema

which is like fucking people doing you like we're're gangs, innit? Fucking South London, you're coming deep South, man. I'll fucking cut you, innit, fam? And then the guy from Sunset Lake goes, all right, I'm sure you're all fucking naughty boys, like, but I've got a fucking machine gun. It just didn't work. It was so funny. It's a really great scene.

No, like I watched it the night on TikTok. Yeah, it is. It is. The Geordie accent with the, what are you talking about, fam? Those, and I've, really great scene no like i watched it the night on tiktok yeah it is it is it's just the jody accent with the what are you talking about fam those any it is and i've i've said on this part before like i've got such a problem with um unreasonable authority it's why i never really was good at jobs because like when the managers like do this and i was like well why i need to know why i'm doing it sort of thing and the things with the knife and fork i've been with my ex-girlfriend to

restaurants where you're given like five forks five spoons and five knives and i literally just use my favorite looking fork for each bit yeah the biggest one yes now like second largest because and you know do you know why i use the second largest and not the largest? Because part of me is like, maybe the largest one is the right one. And I'm not using that. What's the little pedo fork? The three pronger. It looks like a miniature sort of...

Is it Zeus or Spartan? A triad. A triad end. Yeah. A triad. A triad end. Is it Zeus or Spartan? A trident Yeah A trident Densists recommend using that for Nearly So close

You did make Greek mythology sound like Trident Toothpaste You tried trident That must be for carrots. Isn't it a fruit fork? It is a fruit fork. It is.

It is. Kiwi. I like when you can eat food with your hand. Pizza's obviously a fucking touch, isn't it? Because I don't care where you... Lasagna. Depends how hungover you are.

Can you go to a restaurant and eat with your hands and just, do you have to get over there? If you went to like a nice restaurant. Like a really

upscale restaurant. So you went to like 150 ahead and you just ate it with your hands. I think you would be advised to stop by somebody who works there there by like the maturity yeah

stop advised it's fine isn't it i think they come over and go sir we would uh respectfully request that you were to use the the cutlery items that have been provided for you any one of the 27 folks we can live with but really it should be number 12 for this oh and that there i'm out yeah i'd be drinking at me yeah yeah i'd be drinking at me yeah then i'd prefer to go to a restaurant in runcon where they're like why are you using a funky bender all right looking cutlery boy gay tell me we went to a restaurant today misty maddie serica and judy and it was late and i think they had about 40 minutes left we walked in and the host went,

so have you been here before? No, no. It's on the top of Liverpool, one of what name? Right. A lot of people don't like the food. And if you don't like it, you can't complain to me because we won't change it.

A lot of people don't like the food. Yeah. And you can't complain after you've ordered. And we're going to leave. And you're like, okay. What was the restaurant what was it called smoke and dough was it smoke and dough so he walked in and went look this people think it's shit but if you think it's shit you're not allowed to say anything that is a waiter

who couldn't be asked one more table he wasn't a waiter he was a manager that was a manager who couldn't be asked one more table and it is last week 100 you could have just gone oh we're closed we don't got it you want if you can't complain you don't just gone ah we're closed we don't got it you can't complain we don't like it and a lot of people don't like it so there's got to be more going on there isn't

it there's got to be hasn't there it was odd it was odd that is a weird thing to happen yeah

I'm so sorry but I can't be arsed with cunts bye bye that's essentially what it was don't complain to me if you don't like it

because I'm not going to change the food but at the top of Liverpool 1 I essentially what it was. Don't complain to me if you don't like her because I'm not going to change the food. But what, the top of Liverpool 1, the really expensive... It looked lovely. But it can't be cheap having a restaurant up there. No, the top of Liverpool 1

is actually more like Wagamama, like Eeyore, Cheney places. Yeah, but I mean to rent one of those units is not cheap, is it? Like they're not... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean, no. I thought you meant for the consumer. You could tell he didn't want us there, but it was like oh don't come complaining to me if you

don't like it really right there's no weirdest customer service he'd make a brilliant comedian he would make a fucking great comedian he's like if you don't like it then that is the attitude you need to like do an edinburgh run listen a lot of people don't like it but if you don't like it don't complain to me afterwards so odd we went to Peter Dexpress and they were lovely where you can eat with your hands you can eat with your hands

yeah it was strange strange customer service those two gaffs could very well be my new locals why is that Adam? I'm getting a penthouse apartment

you are the breakdown continues do you know what's happened? I stayed at my cousin's the other night so after we recorded the Patreon episode yeah I'm getting a penthouse apartment. You are. The breakdown continues. Do you know what's happened? I stayed at my cousin's the other night. So after we recorded the Patreon episode, yeah. Me cousin's been really good to me while shit's been going on.

We love Dolly. I don't think I've met her, but she's... You will have met Dolly. At least once. Very briefly. Yeah. Did have some beverages at your birthday, though. Yes. Um, so I just, I texted her and I was like, very briefly yeah did have some beverages at your birthday though yes

yes so I just I texted her and I was like I'll come and see you in a bit after work and

I'll take you and your fella and the baby out for tea my treat and then on the way to Dolly's

I went through a red light accidentally because I just was not concentrating and you know you have one of those moments when you're driving and i was obviously hung over because that was the night after i've been out with alfie i was like oh i should not be behind its wheel so i was very careful for the rest of the way um and then she's like do you want to just stay and i was like i think that's a good idea. Yeah. After that journey.

So my day yesterday was funny, and anyone who follows me on Twitter will have already seen a bit of this story. So first of all, that night in Dolly's, I was literally just contemplating my life, and I, to be totally honest with you, and we'll go through the details of the breakup eventually on my terms, I'm not enjoying being in the house at the minute i was just like it's just a bit haunted by what's gone on and i was like i want to move out and i've wanted to live in town and i thought i was going

to buy somewhere this year but now i'm sort of like maybe i don't want to actually be tied to owning something just yet not in a rush um so i i went on right move and the first apartment i seen was in the building i've always sort of wanted to live in and it's a duplex and a little penthouse things right on the top floor what does duplex mean it's got like an upstairs and a downstairs it's a flat but you've it but you've got a set of stairs in it all right cool um so i just went can i come and see that tomorrow at half three and the guy got back to me was like I can only do half two so I rushed to go and see her and I just was like like there's nothing else it could have that would make me want it and I was like just wait 48 hours before you

make a decision but I put it on my Instagram and sent it to Carl, Carl's immediate reaction was get it now and everyone else was like just what are you waiting for just get it and then I was like what am I waiting for so I emailed them and said I'll take it

and it's beautiful Ghost Hunt 3 in Adam's house it's going to be quite something isn't it the dishes from six years ago is she here

get out of the garden! I'm looking forward to it, you know. It's going to be amazing. Good for you. Yeah? Yeah. I lived in a penthouse in Manchester when I was 30. Had a very, very good time.

So it's a good time to do it, innit? Do it. When are you going to do it? You're going to do it now, then maybe a few years down the line, meet someone, settle down, and then the next time you're going to get to do it is post-divorce.

It's hard work, isn't it? Yeah. You're in the window. 30 and 50. Hopefully you never get to do the penthouse in your late 40s. Like an old comma. They say you don't need to do a penthouse

on the way up and on the way down. It's good to be back. With one of those girls from the Savoy. Mr. Ro, Mr. Ro. You cancelled your booking, but you found love. What is this? Dan, have you been frivolous the last couple of days like Adam? Oh, have I?

Have you? Are you asking a question because you know something? No, no. What do you mean? Just keeping the conversation moving. Oh, sorry. I thought you knew something about... I was trying to work out what you knew. What have you bought? What was just keeping the conversation moving. Oh, sorry. I thought you knew something about, I was trying to work out what you knew.

What have you bought? What's happened? Nothing. Oh. I've done my tax return. I've done the absolute polar fucking opposite of be frivolous. I've been like, right,

there's nothing accounting for this. There's nothing accounting for that. By the way, doing a tax return that includes March, sorry, April 2020 to tape 22 is so weirdly uh i got nostalgic because in my accounts i can see the start of the money like coming in for this podcast when we needed it most and i messaged a couple of people who gave me gigs in that lockdown because the fee coming in stands out a fucking mile because there was no other money coming in and then it was like money

coming into my account from PayPal that we got from the very OG patrons who we thanked many a time but when you see it you're like my my income just stopped and the gig stopped and then you just have like money coming in from PayPal that was from the podcast. And then I'd pay Adam. So that's how we did it. And then occasionally like we'd get money from like when we had beer 52 and Adam would send me money and it'd be like cocaine refund or,

you know, he literally, Adam cannot put money in your account without being like big dildo refund. You bender. Like I had some to my account all our accountants and it was bitch ass gimp i was like how the fuck do i i just didn't mention it i was like there it is it's bitch ass gimp um but what it did remind me of is that one of our very very first sponsors when the lockdown hit was the voxelhall Comedy Club in London, run by a guy called Mooch. I'm doing my tour show there in, I think, October.

And I just, he gave us a sponsor. He's paid for a sponsor. He paid for an advert every episode for the first sort of month when we needed it most, when we were probably being listened to by a few thousand people. So I just wanted to do this while we're so much bigger just do a little shout out to the good people at the voxhall comedy club in london if you fancy going to watch stand up in london i know we mentioned top secret everyone knows about

the store have a little look for voxhall comedy they do a really really good show they're friends uh with a lot of the people that you'll recognize from the couch. I know Vittorio's down there all the time. And it's actually a really good drop-in club. So they will have comics drop in who are big. Last few times I've been in London for stuff other than gigs and I just get to the night and I'm like, do you know what, I fancy just going and talking some shit. He will always accommodate a comic that he's sort of happy to have.

Do you know what I mean? He'll squeeze you on. So, like, some really famous comics drop in there as well. Yeah, and it's central. You never know who's going to be there. Really central. You see Vauxhall and you're like, oh, it's not in town.

It's just, I think it's the Piccadilly line and it's just over the water. It's so central. It'll take you five minutes on the tube and it's something a little bit different. Go and have a look at Vauxhall Comedy Club because Mooch and the guys there really fucking stepped up when we were in a spot.

I think I might try and drop in there on Saturday this week. So if you're early accessing this and you want something in London tonight, I might try and drop in there. London is a great... I know if you haven't taken your partner away, London is a great option. Just get on the train and then go and drop in there. London is a great, I know like if you haven't taken your partner away, London is a great option. Just get on the train

and then go and see a show, Vauxhall Comedy. And then 1500 pounds is all you need to spend on a hotel. And Adam will put the link in. We're also sponsored by the Ritz Hotel now. Savoy. Oh, Savoy. And the code is go fuck yourself, you scumbag. And then see if that works.

The code is, oh oh yes this happens a lot and we're yeah and we're also sponsored by home bargains runcorn and the code word is can we just before we move on to correspondence uh carl and finn uh yesterday yeah yesterday went to teach podcasting in Seneca's school what a segue from me going for me oh that's reminding me first of all the fact that

that is possible there's two of my favourite bits I want you to tell the would you rather story in a second which made me laugh me and Carl went for a little drive last night and got a machis and just had a little bromance chat. And so my favourite thing is that a couple of the kids were like to Carl, I want to be a podcaster now. I'll check yours out.

I'm in year five. What's yours called? Nope. What's it called? No, no, no. You're never finding out. Too adult was the response two adults they've been taught what a would you rather is yes and you got like has been teaching them what a would you rather

is right so one of the little girls invented her own it's so bad it's so like this made me really really really laugh so we had we had 10 groups of five or four kids. Finn, by the way, was fire. He was genuinely so good with kids. Shout out to Finn. He was so good. Thank you. Aw, Finn, you're so cute. So they'd all pre-prepared the subject.

So a lot of it was music and football. A couple of other ones, like technology. They all had little weird scripts because he thought it was scripted. But we kind of pushed him away from that, didn't we? We kind of led it. And there were some producers there who loved it and like having the headphones on was the best thing in the world but this girl was like it's would you rather time we were like that's funny because it sounds like us and she went to him would you rather fall into a volcano

and die peacefully like yeah die peacefully yeah or have a nice hour-long bath my favorite bit though is when you confront the winner carl went i went to her i don't really think you understand how would you rather work she's like no i do and he was like, so what would you rather do? And she went, the bath, obviously. I don't think you'd rather. It's either two nice things or two bad things. And you're like, yeah, okay. Is there any less peaceful death? You wouldn't die peacefully there. She's like, yeah, you would.

The level of acceptance, well, I'm falling now. So I might as well just chill. I've got my own one. Would you rather be fisted with a glove made of razor blades or have a lovely sandwich? That's a tricky one. It's a lovely sandwich, though, isn't it? That's obviously a lovely sandwich.

That's going to really hurt your bum. Yeah, yeah. It's going to cut you to bits. Your arsehole will be bleeding. You could die. A sandwich is nice. Especially if you're hungry. I don't think you understand

what you're up to. But shout out to Paul McAlinden. Sorry, I've said that wrong. He's sending the school some podcast equipment so they can get their own started. He's donated to the school. Oh, what a fucking ledge.

And obviously he also played left back for Manchester City in the 90s. Oh yeah, McAlinden. He did that as well. 90s oh yeah down the wing but as soon as we let him in we'll have a sing as soon as we left we like we we want to be uh what did you just say we'll have a sing i don't know some of my football chances like it's like i've never been to football oh everyone looks so athletic have a good bloody run around score a goal maca linden here we go again why why did city ever let you go maca linden that works that was good but yeah do it like we want to be podcasters now

um we want to be podcasters now so uh yeah well it's a closed shop so fuck off i didn't say that all right sorry if any of those kids are watching right look at me right now We want to be podcasters now, so... Yeah, well, it's a closed shop, so fuck off. I didn't say that. All right, sorry. If any of those kids are watching, right, look at me right now. You'll never be us. Yeah.

Grow up. There's some of you who will be. You're pathetic. And your mum and dad are probably having marital troubles. Please, hope you don't find this podcast. Well, that's Con that going back to that school. But yeah, we're teaching the future podcast generation. I'm not threatening you.

All right, go. It's more than words. It's a very positive thing. It was. It's beautiful. Don't even bother. I like how we didn't get asked. Do you know why you didn't get asked? asked well because he's having a very expensive breakdown

and I was like well there you go we'll role play I'll ask you do you just want to come to teach podcasting in a school when

where it doesn't matter when or where are you up for it well my schedule's pretty hectic so if I can make it work it's a Tuesday

I know you're free oh yeah sure that's a good role play I don't think you know how role play works. You both would have gone, no?

No, I wouldn't. I'd have done it. You wouldn't have. But I'd have brought this energy. I'd let you use teacher while I was just there just going, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's actually a lot more difficult than he's making it sound. Lesson one, kids. Wet ass pussy. That's why I wouldn't have taken him. Because we have to be very PC. Wet-ass PC. Break.

Wag-wag lids. We've got to tell you about one of our sponsors, NordVPN. They're offering our listeners, our fans, a two-year deal plus one month for just 89 which is about 65 quid that's 70 off the usual price and works out at two pounds 60 a month what adam what is a vpn what's nord a vpn is basically a way to lie to your computer or your laptop and say hey i'm not in fucking liverpool me mate nah i'm I'm in Syria. I'm in the Antarctic. I'm in Brussels.

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but you're full of shit, Susan, okay? If you're in America, you get access to American Netflix. Syrian Netflix, Susan! Have you not watched Syrian Netflix? It's wicked! It's honestly the best thing I pay for at VPN. Being able to decide what country you want to be in

and what you want access to. It's especially great, as we've said before, for the Premier League for so you can get all the 3 o'clock kickoffs because they're shown all around the world, just not in England. You can get them with NordVPN. And I'm so happy that they're on board as a sponsor. So it's nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use our custom code, have a word.

That's nordvpn.com slash have a word. Custom code, have a word. Go have a word go ahead susan you're fucking slag so you just told us you were conceived in switzerland and then corrected yourself and said you learned to walk in switzerland you know when you just when you're a kid things come up one of the things that i got told was like i learned to walk in switzerland my first step like a special program that you got sent to because you couldn't walk well we were getting rid of my grandad who was on his last legs

failed because he's still here we went for Dignitas and it was my other grandad he's just really old and I was so happy to be rid of him because he was just so old I was like yes, fucking walk I pressed the big red button

come on Dan the big red button come on Dan the big red button like it's a game show Dignitas is that what the it's called Dignitas yeah yeah

I think it's Swiss for dignity it might be I'm gonna google that what are you laughing at? That's a song as well. It's a song. It's for dignity.

It is. It's Latin. It's just so obvious. It's not really. I actually think it's something to do with dignity. Do you reckon? Do you think dignitas's something to do with dignity do you reckon do you think dignitas is something

to do with dignity I don't know how you got there Latin for dignity erm yeah so I've like

fucking no memory of it what's your opinion on assisted suicide yeah I'm all for it yeah I'm not far off nearly done

what side though assisting or what oh no i don't want to work there i'm busy just fucking pressing red buttons all day say goodbye to nana and she's gone in my head that's like a citv game show from the 90s gundj to death dave benson phillips say goodbye to nana floor opens up no like one of those log flumes you see on tiktok or instagram reels where they're like ready one last ride for nana that'd be great though if you're gonna get fucking seen off you're old you're like you're don't you want to go one last mega fucking

like log like not a log flume but like a water slide. The Havre-Wedges Suicide Theme Park. Wow. They're just roller coasters that have no end on the track. And just right at the end, it's just... You see it when they fly off, but you can't actually see where they land. You're like, you don't want to look over that. Just build it next to a quarry.

That you own, of course. Because they would probably complain. Maybe if you complained. Since you've moved in, some of the lads that work in the quarry are complaining. Flying alien nannies keep splattering all over the quarry and it's really putting the lads off the work. Yeah, so I don't know where that's come from in my head,

but I learned to walk in Switzerland because you're thinking of going to Switzerland. I didn't just, that made it sound like, I was sat here in the break and we were like, should we start recording? I was like, I learned to walk in Switzerland We would all just talk and you were taught we were talking about Switzerland now be a Dishonest little

Yeah is great. It's very funny. Right in the patreon episode Last week is great it's very funny right in the patreon episode that um went out last week i really fancied the image of the woman you were talking about right i picked out a fit hench woman she was fit picked out a competition bodybuilding nana basically you're anti-barrel on fucking growth hormone she looked horrific and i'm there just openly talking about it distrust you've been very disloyal it was so it was so funny yeah of course it was funny you're a rat look i've had an idea here and i genuinely think we need to think about it right there isn't a company that is organizing fun suicides and I think a billionaire

needs to buy like an island and just for really seriously ill people like maybe like it's a plane right and the pilot

has got a parachute and what he does is he ghosties the plane but you get to sit in the co-pilot's and you're just into a mountain

that'd be a great way to go wouldn't it it would wouldn't it it's expensive though isn't it you know because you've got to buy a plane every time you get rid of a n. That'd be a great way to go, wouldn't it? It would, wouldn't it? It's expensive, though, isn't it? You know, because you've got to buy a plane every time you get rid of a nana.

You just keep fixing the plane. You go steer a plane into an island, whole thing goes up, you just fix the plane. Right. Do you think my water slide is a bit cheaper? Water slide into a quarry. Guillotine water slide.

Murder slide. Is Nana water slide. Murder slide. Is Nana ready for the murder slide? It'll be nice to be at peace. Woof! The least peaceful, least dignified death ever. Into a quarry. Into a volcano. Adam Rowan's on that, Gila, but a volcano a volcano yeah I do believe in it

I think there's nothing if you're done you're done you should be able to choose your just the weird laws innit you're killing someone

I think it's related to Christianity and faith I do too I think you should be if you are there should be some prerequisites like I'm far off that's not good is should be if you are there should be some prerequisites like

I'm far off that's not good is it but if you've got terminal illness who's to tell you you can't just fucking be like

I'm done Romeo done that's what I want to do I want to do a So Solid Crew reference just as I go your last words yeah my last

Romeo done what would your last words be Adam my last words you know you. What would your last words be, Adam? My last words? You knew you were making them. Your last decree. Defend my honour. Right.

Who are you saying that to? The pilot. Defend my honour! He's long gone. He's out in a parachute with his fucking gaffer taped up plane. Very expensive. Adam's Dignitas.

Whispers it into the black box. I'd call it... Dignilad. No, Funitas. It's fun. Right. The Nitas doesn't really work, does it? Just call it fun.

No, but people need to make the association. Dignifun. No? Dignified fun. Words. but people need to make the association. Dignifun. No? Dignified fun. Words. Like a boggle night. It's so fucking stupid. It's not just some evil Swiss doctor with a needle like,

say goodbye. What about mushuk? What's that? Pussy in Uzbekistanian. What's that got to do with? Sounds fun. Mushuk. What's that? Pussy in Uzbekistanian. What's that got to do with... Sounds fun. Mushuk. He's calling a weird mood.

This whole year he's been in a bit of a weird mood. It's New Year, New Carl, isn't it? What are your last words? What about pussy in Uzbekistanian? What were Adam Rowe's last words? Mushuk! Yeah. Oh my God. You're the footballer. Mushok! Yeah. Oh my God.

You're the footballer Louis Figo. Yeah. Pussy is Figo in Italian? I thought it was Portuguese. That was fun. Cool. I think Carl's having a mental breakdown as well, you know. I think the fact that he's bought a house.

I think he's on the face of it. I think Carl handles, I think he hides his emotions well. I do. But I think- I'm worried about these kids in Newtley Willows when you were like,

Mussock! Trust Becky Stanley for pussy! Carry on. Keep going. Drop something for no reason. Segway. Try and turn that off. Much earlier

prefer to hear but shout out to Joe at Vincent Solicitors for the if you're looking for doing a plug

he's doing a plug we've just at this point we've just been we've just shown pussy in Uzbekistan and you're getting a free plug-in for a solicitor

They'll love this You've got to do it now Go on Mushuk Hey Carl, can I just Mushuk Mushuk Carl, can I ask

Have you been using any form of conveyance solicitor? Yeah Oh wow A wonderful conveyance solicitor Oh wonderful you say His name is Joee hughes oh joe hughes he helped me a lot very very personable uh very quick with his emails lovely gentleman if you're buying a house give him a shot all right carl and what's the company called it's called vincent solicitors wow enjoy that saving that you've made there carl mushok. That does sound like an Italian mobster.

It's like Vinnie. He's gone, we're going to call it Vincent Solicitors. We're going to be respectable. We're going legit, buddy. It's Vinnie's. Come down to Vinnie's, get a nice fucking meat sub.

Buy a new fucking duplex. Nice one, Joe. Mushok, piece of shit. Joey Hughes, here we go again why why did you give carl a hand with his mortgage

here we go again um um all right lids having watched uh this is from rob oh all right lids

having watched adam's american podcast appearance on are you garbage there was a question raised about whether you take your shoes off in the house. Adam's response was no. This sparked a debate between me and the missus.

I feel as though they assumed Adam was speaking for everyone from the UK as a whole, but we reckon out of everyone on the pod, Adam is the only one who doesn't take his shoes off at the door. Opinions? I do. I keep my shoes on until i'm ready to settle down not like with a wife and kids runs in the house it is

adam's like a bucking bronco just cantering cantering through the kitchen he's unsettled. Leave him. Give him space. We've got to give him a sugar cube and whisper to him. Come on now. Come on. Come on.

That's all right. You can watch The Good Wife now. And he slowly just comes over like this. We'll get some shoo-mai. We'll get some shoo-mai. Come on. Get them shoes off. Come on.

Now you can de-shoo him. And there's a way of doing it. Got to get the leg up. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know what you mean. I know what you mean. You may say, yeah, I'm not. I'm cooking tea.

I've got my shoes on. That's mad. Why? You've got your shoes on. Like, not like dress shoes, but like my training shoes. I don't put them on. Like it's it's it's cooking time if you haven't got shoes on do you put shoes on to cook oh probably not who goes from unsettled to cooking madness like if i've took them off they're probably off but if i'm coming in and put me shopping away i'm going the toilet and i'm just like if i'm just them off they're probably off but if I'm coming in I'm putting my shopping away I'm going to the toilet

and I'm just like if I'm just sitting on the couch for 15 minutes before I go out my shoes stay on mad I don't take shoes off at the door

because I'm constantly I feel like I'm constantly like nipping back to the car or going up to the garden office and I hate putting shoes on and off but we're about to yes

we're about to get new carpet we haven't got carpets downstairs but we're about to get carpets on the stairs and upstairs and laura's like you need to get in the habit of taking your shoes off you cannot just go fuck it i'll nip upstairs can i just say as well the beef i add on are you garbage with this is with people who force you to take your shoes off when you go to their house for even for a couple of minutes oh for a couple of minutes no but if you're coming to my new house you're taking your shoes off i you go to their house even for a couple of minutes. Oh, for a couple of minutes, no. But if you're coming to my new house, you're taking your shoes off

if I haven't got a new carpet. Someone's allowed to have those rules, though, aren't they? It's their house. They are, yeah. They're allowed to have the rules. And I'm allowed to think they're gobshites. That's right. Don't invite Adam round.

He won't settle. It's all right. Shh. Get his reins. Shh. Shh. He's just running round the room Like a dog having a bad half hour Oh he's galloping On the couch

Bucking Adam Yeah I know No I don't I really like having my shoes on They're comfy And it means you can go everywhere. But I know, especially because you boys have been in Japan, that's unheard of, isn't it? You have to take your shoes off,

otherwise you get shot, don't you? Yeah. You get shot. You put your shoes at the door. Okay. Thanks so much, Charlie. All over. I just want to say thank you to

Joe Hughes and Vincent. They've been phenomenal. Answer the emails. I get emotional. You put your shoes at the door and most people have slippers for you to put on. Restaurants as well.

You have slippers. If you go to a traditional Japanese restaurant, you take your shoes off at the door, put them in the genkan, and then you get slippers. What if it's like a traditional Japanese restaurant you take your shoes off at the door put them in the genkan and then you get slippers and you what if it's like

an Asian fusion restaurant in Asia yeah explain what are they fusing with other bit of Asia so like that's not tradition

in China is it so if it's like a salt and pepper sushi gaff do they make you take your shoes off I didn't go to one yeah you know why they didn't go to one it's not a thing is it salt and pepper sushi gaff. Did they make you take your shoes off? I didn't go to one. Yeah, you know why they didn't go to one.

It's not a thing, is it? Salt and pepper sushi gaff? Nando sushi? Leave your shoes on. Wimpy sushi. But when you go to someone's house... You have to wear restaurant slippers. Yeah, or you can take your...

Imagine over here if you went to Nando's and they were like, sorry lads, you've got to wear one of the fucking restaurant sliders. What's it cause of the flaw tatami so it's like oh

tatami what's tatami it's like a it's like a wood it's like wood innit it's like I don't know how to explain it

but it's if you have your shoes on you could break it dead foreign woven wood oh woven wood oh I know what you mean you know what I mean

like when you get like shoemires and it comes in those little exactly that yeah but it's more more erm a bit stronger than that

but people's houses have that too you don't you don't they say you don't want to walk the outside in it's like dirt and not

not niceness hey if I was visiting it's part of the culture if I lived there for a year it'd be a bore like I'd just be like I just want to keep my shoes on some flats just have like

laminate don't they yeah like in my house like I would I'd have been alright year it'd be a ball lake I'd just be like I just want to keep my shoes on some flats just have like laminate don't they yeah like in my house I'd have been alright with it like Steve's house too but say if you go somewhere traditional which is a lot in my new flat the rule is

I'm going to have footy boots at the door you put footy boots on it wouldn't come in studs on yeah studs on yeah

you lose the deposit in the first 8 seconds it doesn't give a fuck they've said I can hang some pictures and make it homey. Oh, Jesus. Make it homey, yeah? What picture are you going to go for? A couple of mine. Some Billy Connolly art?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get some fine art, 100%. What's fine art? Stomach a really thin paintbrush. Finn, could you finn could you give the final ruling on these shoes we've got two two no's two nays so it definitely depends on the the type of flooring carpet is a no yourgo. Your house. Yeah. Shoes off at your house. Yeah, but I've got house Crocs. Oh, you sexy fucker.

Yeah. Oh, house Crocs. Yeah. Do you know you can get a little toy for your Crocs? That makes it look like the Loch Ness Monster is coming in and out of the holes. So I've got the little toys on mine, but I've got... Oh my God. And they let you near kids yesterday.

You big fingered pedo. I've got a guitar on one. Oh, because you love guitar. I do. Oh, you're a musician. Yeah, yeah. It's got John Lennon's teeth on it. Yeah.

And the other one is... So sinister. The other one is Amsterdam Houses. They're my crocs. Because you like drugs. Or you hate Anne Frank. Both. You love Hidden Jews. Yeah. What a lovely reference for your crocs because you like drugs or you hate i'm frank both you love hidden jews yeah all right what a lovely reference for your crops in it i'll put a picture of them on on twitter everyone wants that yeah i know can't wait so yeah bit of a character carpets no shoes

wood floor wear what you want there you go it's what he lives by what i i really like in the house to be honest with you especially if i'm settled is me sliders no socks i don't like my feet being too hot so just having socks on for some reason makes me feet too hot so i don't like that but also i've got wooden floor downstairs laminate so it's too cold to not have anything on oh you'd be ferris bueller in without sliding around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've got North Face sliders and they are my house webs. I bought some cheap Alessi sliders.

At the start of the lockdown, I bought some Diodora sliders because I wanted to go football Italian 90. Yeah, and they didn't last. They look really retro and cool. I just bought some Alessi ones thinking, oh, they're cheap. They've lasted fucking ages. They're not cool. Who's the best sliders?

Is it Adidas? My brother-in-law claims Adidas is the one. It's Adidas. The three-stripe Adidas over the top. It's the one, isn't it? Just like the go-to kind of one. Right, okay. Which are the,

because I'm about to purchase some sliders. What are the ones we should go for? What should we be avoiding? Because obviously, I don't want to give up them. I don't want to give up them. I don't want to give up them. Nike sound. Just don't want to give up them Nike sound

just don't get crocs we can forgive Finn Alessi he's from Real yeah I don't know about Alessi but if it's in the house no I don't know about Alessi

I think they look a bit shit Prada Fila Prada no I'm not Fila's worse than Alessi is it yeah because Alessi

has got like a retro thing now whereas Fila's always been shit alright what about Sergio Ticini no Sergio Giorgini unless you're moving to St. Helens

what about Hummel yeah there's an Everton fan saying yeah alright he's sponsored by Hummel he's sponsored by Hummel but no

most of them New Balance yeah classic yeah yeah yeah North Face alright cool cool

I'll let you know I'll let you know but I'll let you know. But yeah, Adidas are just classics, aren't they? Yeah, they are. And you can go outside in them as well. Go to the ice cream van. Yeah. Do you ever go to the ice cream van, Dan?

I don't think we... Yeah. You don't get one? I don't know. They come down our street, really. There's a gap in the ice cream van market in Sorghal, Chester. Get on it.

It's just a fucking boring concert. To be fair, there's loads of kids around now. But investments on ice cream van, you know. There really is. In fact, if there's genuinely a gap there, maybe for this summer we should buy one and the new office manager should also be the office ice cream man.

Right. So we are thinking about taking on a sort of office manager, business manager, and I've got a list of things that I want them to do, what they need to be good at. And Adam is adding to it, and it's mental. I'm like, needs to be able to deal with advertisers, understand the leasing and how business rates work, and then interact with all of the sort of insurance companies. I was like, and I need cups of tea and hot chocolate.

That was Adam's only one. And also, do they know I scream? Do they know the bell and how much raspberry sauce do they put on is it too much because you can't

have too much Adam's only prerequisite was if I want a cup of coffee he'll make me one yeah literally trying to

I'm trying to unload all of this admin Adam's like coffee machines arrived by the way to my house is it

shout out to Sage we had an ice cream van that used to come round our way I'm trying to unload all of this admin. I don't like fucking coffee. The coffee machine's arrived, by the way, to my house. Is it? Shout out to Sage. We had an ice cream van that used to come around our way when I lived in Preston as a kid, and it was Robinson's. If you're from Preston, you'll know. It was very fucking good ice cream. I used to love it. They used to stop right out of ours.

I used to love, is it the Knobbly Bobbly? It's a little- No, a little cone, and it's got a chewing gum on the bottom and you get a little screwball yeah I love the screwball we had Dave the drug dealer our ice cream van

here we go guys sorry I was just doing childhood memories the lemo man came around ring ring ring ring bring out your lemo debt bring out your limo debt bring out your limo debt yeah remember seeing me cousin get a screwball

and then shot three times in the face my ice cream man growing up was called Dave and he sold drugs and a lot of other stuff I've definitely told you this before he sold like fake Armani t-shirts, Prada tracksuits, Siggy's.

Can I have two cones? Yeah, 99s and a 49-inch JVC flat screen. Thanks, Dave. He boxed you one? Yeah. Did you have the lemon man though? I'm not taking the piss. The man who brought all the nice flavoured drinks around

in the glass bottles. Oh, you mean the ones where you, like the iron brew and the red cola and you used to get the money back no i don't think we had anyone that delivered those but we had a news agent that if you took your your bottle back was it 20p you got back 20p back yeah ice cream this is so nice to be doing this nostalgia and not being called an old cunt because you remember it as well no i love that shit right um what was was it? Fucking red cola. Ice cream soda. The green one. Was that ice cream soda?

That was my favourite one. With a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Oh, power. Oh, I want some ice cream. What a bevy. But the green one had like a mad extra flavour to it that you just can't get with plain cream soda. Yeah.

What? Green. It was green. It was bright green. And I don't mean like a lime green i mean like a toxic yeah like like that central peck sign proper right and if you put like a scoop or two of vanilla ice cream in it and the green one just it must have been like MSG or something or a version of it it's because I

every now and then if I'm in a shop now and I'm feeling a bit sort of frisky and I don't want to go for a normal cherry cocoa or docks of pepper I'll get one of the bars

cream soda which is clear it is not the same thing no it's just not the same thing nice I like a cream soda though it's a tang to it

it's like electric alright okay oh god I love this nostalgia so good did your ice cream van have like

just ours had 20p penny sweet mix 50p penny sweet mix and it was just a little plastic bag and they'd already

pre-selected I fucking love a random penny sweet mix where you don't get to choose them and like some of them are shit but some of them are great i was a cola bottle and a snake man me yeah a yellow belly

snake maybe some cherries as well oh and the whips what were the the oh yeah the strawberry licorice whips yeah it's like my church for a second there i went to cav mate they were whipping no one that was fucking great fun guys and then also this is where I sound like a bit of a wrong-in, but I really did like the coconut, was it the oyster with the marshmallow in? It was such a mum fucking ice cream. That was never for me, that. Did you ever have choc-lich?

Oh, I get choc-nib now. Yeah, but did you ever have choc-lich? What's choc-lich? So, you know, the sweets bit of a newsagent where they'd be all in the big jars? Yeah. And it was just chocolate powder dust.

Yeah. Yeah. And you just used to literally just lick it. Oh, my God, yeah. I get choc nib now. And it would literally be the most dehydrating thing in the world. You're essentially just putting sandpaper down your neck with chocolate sand like the cinnamon challenge yeah yeah i used to eat a lot of that what was your go-to quarter cola cubes oh i love cola cubes oh mate oh mate i need last for ages

oh um what was the one was it pear drops pear drops I kind of like pear drops as well and I also like rhubarb and custard yes oh I'm fucking horny for sweets mate

maybe the new office manager has to provide let's go home because they've run they've got some fucking the new office manager needs to be

an ice cream sweet man as well or woman please let me get rid of these admin jobs that I don't want to do anymore. I'm going to get some weird fucking autistic office manager who's like, turns up in red and white stripes like, yes, I've done all the insurance.

Here's a quarter of fucking cola cubes. What a woman. What a woman. Cola cubes are so good. When they were slightly soft in the middle. Guys, what is this? It's the fucking sweet. Cola cubes is what makes me good. When they were slightly soft in the middle. Guys, what is this? It's the fucking... Cola cubes is what makes me settle.

Oh, sugar. Give him a cola cube. Hey, any woman that's looking, you know, got her eye on Adam, just know that's a trick. Come on. Eat from the palm. I bottled that then because i was like oh shit it's public episode um you say all the things you need to say it's all good um lids don't hesitate let's get serious and talk about geo uh geopolitical topics as we all know that's what you're known for so as v as Vladimir, quad-vod Putin, is flexing his massive KGB cock

over Ukraine, and Xi Jinping, Winnie the Pooh, is instilling his one-China policy over Taiwan, any day now we could have World War III. My question, mainly to Dan, as we all know Adam is checking his phone and would single-handedly twat both, his thoughts, not ours. When you get

called up for service, you get to choose which area to fight in. Are you going the freezing cold Ukraine front and fighting the Ruskies? They look pretty hard, to be fair. Or are you going a bit warmer, although probably getting wet, and helping Taiwan against China? However, we all know the Chinese army

will be fucking mental. And if captured, you're defo getting Chinese water tortured and bummed. So, ladsads who are you fighting for also carl's been a bit racist this year carl we know you can twat a swan and kill a monkey with a sword easy but who are you going for all the best guys that's from martin can i just say i'm not getting involved like i'm not like i know it's horrible and I know it's all awful

and all that but first of all I don't think there is going to be world war 3 because I think even America we don't want no smoke I think it's awful what's going on what? is that Biden? is that Kamala Harris?

Sleepy Joe can't wait the president Kamala what the Sleepy Joe. Can't wait. Can't wait. The president. Kamala. What the fuck? What's up? I'm not getting involved. Let them crack on. And if I am getting involved,

I'm doing like Robert Williams in Good Morning Vietnam. And I'm doing podcasting. I'll podcast for the troops. Good morning, Kiev. Robert Williams. What? Robert Williams. Bro. Robert Williams. What? Robert Williams. Roe.

Ben Williams. My surname's Adam. Roe. I know. Your surname is Adam Roe. Yeah, my name's Adam Adam Roe. I just can't think of Robin Williams without feeling dead sad.

Who were you fighting for though? He died wanking, didn't he? Did he? Was it an asphyxia wank gone wrong? I think it was yeah Was it? I think so I thought it was overdose

Like depression Well if it wasn't Let's just let that Swim around the internet Yeah I'm pretty sure it was an asphyxia wank Which is still a suicide It's still

Would you try that? I mean if I got to that point Yeah probably If me playing idea Doesn't take off beforehand and would you keep your shoes on for it these ladders

I this is a little bit worrying what's going on with the whole I don't know what's China have been bullies for fucking years but the

Russia does look like they are fucking getting moody for a bit of Ukraine but I I fucking hate both of them I probably want to fight the Russians Russia does look like they are fucking getting moody for a bit of Ukraine. But I fucking hate both of them. I probably want to fight the Russians, but I'm a pussyhole for the cold,

so I'll go China. Also, you can come back with some fucking nice cheap tops, can't you? Do you know what I mean? Dan, what was it like fighting the Chinese? Fucking nightmare, mate. The siege of Taiwan. Absolute nightmare. Got a 2002 Juventus.

Stop, don't look at this. AC Milan, 1996 third kit. I'd fight the... Are the Ukrainians fighting the Russians? Yeah. I'd fight for them. They're just getting invaded by them because they're fucking horrible bullies. Let's have a Shevchenko top on.

Yeah. Wasn't he the prime minister for a bit? Yeah. And then he went to manage Genoa. Yeah. Wasn't he the Prime Minister for a bit? Yeah. And then he went to manage Genoa. Yeah, a bit weird,

I don't know. I don't like any Russian footballers so fuck them. Not even Andrei Arshavin when he was amazing in 2008.

Do you remember we scored four goals against Liverpool? I remember that. Fuck me, that kid was good in that Euros.

Was it Euro 2008 where England weren't in it and the Russians were quality, probably juiced off their fucking tits, their cheating little rusky cunts. Was it Euro 2008, where England weren't in it? And the Russians were quality, probably juiced off their fucking tits, the cheating little rusky cunts. But Arshavin was an absolute fucking wizard.

How are we talking about Andrei Arshavin after talking about cola cubes? If you want to sum up this podcast, you couldn't pick it. In the middle of that was a geopolitical debate. That was the link between those two things. Roman Pavlichenko, he was alright. Roman Pavlichenko? Tottenham.

He was alright, wasn't he? He wasn't great, though, was he? He was alright. What about Billy Letdinov? Didn't he have a great player? He was, objectively, was not a great player. He scored some bangers against United though

right yeah where was where was Andrei Kanchelskis from er is he like is he like

yeah he's round that area is he Russian he was great anyway genuinely would you join the fight let's say it kicks off and the

the USA go right we're gonna we're gonna have to have a word with er China and Russia here we're gonna we're gonna have to have a word with uh china and russia here we're going to war all our allies are joining us it's happening but it's not a you've got to go so you know how bad these two people are you've very been very vocal on this podcast for a long time about how much you hate them and boris turns up at your door oh that's right and he's like uh listen down lad um kicking off with russia and china and And Boris turns up at your door. Oh. Knocks on yours. I'll fight for Boris. Right?

And he's like, listen, Dan lad, kicking off with Russia and China. Is this how they're doing? National subscription? Door by door? Door to door. Yeah.

What are you saying? You're going to stay here, hope for the best, or you're going to go and scrap? Can I still do Patreon? Can we still do Patreon exclusives? Where's Nightingale? Do it on Zoom.

Yeah, it's Monday afternoon. Back to Zoom. The front line would be a good Patreon exclusive. Basically, we're talking mega powers, and if it does get to World War status, there isn't going to be a front line. There isn't going to be soldiers. It's just going to be the red button, isn't it? It's back to the red button.

No, no one can ever press the red button because then we're all dead, and everybody knows that. Well, if there's one cunt who'll think about it, it's Vladimir K back to the red button. No, they can't. No one can ever press the red button because then we're all dead and everybody knows that. Well, if there's one cunt who'll think about it, it's Vladimir Kovac Putin. He won't though. If he presses that button,

he loses, doesn't he? They're insane. I don't know. But I don't like, I don't like the idea of the fucking freezing cold in Ukraine. Although,

yeah. They're the ones I hate the most yeah you're getting ready for skiing oh I don't work so well yeah fuck both of them fuck both of them um well that was really political guys well done yeah really good I think we should feel proud of ourselves any conveyance solicitors that you want to shout out while we're talking about geopolitical stuff? There's only one goat and it's Joe Hughes. Oh, right, cool.

And also shout out Andrea Sharvin, who is now a conveyance solicitor in St. Petersburg. Just so you know, I think the tactic with the Russia-China thing, because they're technically on the same side at the minute, isn't it? I think what we should do is get in early and sort of spread rumours. And so it gets back to Putin. China's been saying they're gonna like break the back

and break the alliance yeah right so then Putin's like what that fucking Chinese comes over there

I'll fucking punch his head in and you say let's just say him to the Chinese people and you could say oh lad I'm not gonna repeat it but what Putin's just said

about your mother is no I'm not gonna say it because it's horrible so how she's a dirty Chinese bitch and she loves taking cum in her arse. Cum dumpster, he called her.

That's the rumour you're spreading. It's a subtle one, that, innit? You're going to learn... I didn't say it, lad. You're going to learn the... The Mandarin for cum dumpster. Finn, could you bring up... Could you bring up the Mandarin for cum dumpster

what do you think it is though I refuse to take that guess right well no because you're just going to say

cum dumpster in a really bad voice exactly so I'm not going to do it yeah yeah yeah cum dumpster in Mandarin please is Chinese simplified

yeah Italian this is how we're ending this so is it spelled phonetically rather than with Chinese alphabet Yes So it's

Jilessi Zhang Jilessi yeah I've got some of them sliders Cum sliders Jilessi Zhang I don't want fucking cum in your sliders You could say cum dumpster and I'll do a Chinese Jilessi Zhang Your ma is a Jilessi Zhang I don't want fucking cum in your sliders. You could say cum dumpster now, dude. Ji Li Xi Zhang.

Your ma is a Ji Li Xi Zhang. Yeah. I can't type. Your mother is a cum swallower. Oh, it's like, oh, ni mama shige tun jing zi. Oh, easy, Carl. Bloody hell. Just got demonetized in China.

This is why the Chinese premiership don't let people use the internet in China. This? Yeah. Your mother is a cum swallower. It's awful. Yeah, because there's all the Chinese Premier League footballers, they were Googling this. And then they were like, no, too many people are googling that i think dan meant premiership in terms of ruling power rather i thought you meant the chinese premiership

it's funny that you meant like oscar don't let anderson tell us get on the internet mate Oscar and Yannick Carrasco who's getting paid 78 million pounds a year all legit all fair and above board Saudi Arabian League you're doing a Geordie accent there we've got a Geordie in today

we have we have we have Susan Segway former Queen of the Jungle and if you don't know what that reference is

there's a TV show called I'm a Celebrity in which the winner is called the King or Queen of the Jungle And if you don't know what that reference is There's a TV show called I'm a Celebrity In which the winner is called the King or Queen of the Jungle She won it, she was the Queen of the Jungle 2015 Oh that's tremendous Howie Nailed it Is that the cum dumpster in Mandarin?

It's in Geordie Your ma? Howie Let's have a break what's happening lids it's Adam here our resident coffee smackhead here at have a word

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Welcome back to the Have a WORD podcast with all of the greatest people in the world. Now you're doing it. I did it in the first section. Because I didn't want to not get to do it. Do you know what I mean? Hi, welcome back to CounterFam. Vicky's here!

Oh, hey! Woo! Thanks for coming, Vicky. Thanks for having us, lads. No one's ever been so happy to come into a weird office space in Runcorn. Jimmy Carr slagged us off to fuck for the first 15 minutes. Vicky Patterson was like, hey, Snickers! It was fucking brilliant.

I was like, yeah! I've never seen anyone as excited as you to see a fridge. You were like, hey, Snickers. It was fucking brilliant. I was like, yeah. I've never seen anyone as excited as you to see a fridge. You were like, there's drinks. Great. I'm just very grateful to be here, lads. I watch this all the time on Instagram. So like being here in real life is kind of like what I imagine a 60-year-old woman feels like when she goes to like the cobbles

of Coronation Street or something. I'm having a very nice time. Let's start doing tours. It'll be a fucking short day there's the fridge there's the couch and off you go this is the snickers wrapper from the vicky parts of an episode i've shoved it down here all right that's not the worst thing inside that couch um i i was thinking about this recently and you're talking about like old older people and like they've got corny yeah like at That's not the worst thing inside that couch. I was thinking about this recently. You're talking about older people and they've got Corrie. Yeah. At some point, imagine we do this podcast for 30 years, right?

I literally can't. Go on. He will be 70. Stop trying to make me 70, you. If it will be 60. There'll be old women who love Have A Word. At some point, there'll be old people who love the fucking bollocks we put together and not like curly and fucking...

And they will be some dirty old bitches. I'm telling you that right now. Hey, I love it. Yes. They will be, won't they? Come on. The women that are into Have A Word, when they get older,

they're going to be some dirty girls at the bingo. Nice one, mate. Is that good? Yeah, that was quite a good one. He is quite good at it, though. Well, I lived in Newcastle. It's a cheat, innit? It's cheating.

Where did you live? Jasmine, like a twat. Fuck off, you posh cunt. And then just near the strawberry. Near, yeah. Right near the football ground? Near the ground, yeah. It's a bit of a juxtaposition there.

Leisure's lean. Yeah. Where in Newcastle are you from? I'm from somewhere quite rough. Where are you from? I was from Walls End. Walls End! I used to have that bit about Walls End.

Walls End, yeah, yeah. I had the bit about Walls End. So rough that even the Romans didn't need to finish the wall. Yeah, they fucked off me. They were like, fuck, no one's getting through there. I mean, we have. I didn't need to finish the wall yeah they were like no one's getting through there um i mean we have i don't really love in the local the amount of fucking primary school names i've heard about in liverpool yeah that's absolutely right judey but heaven forbid we do five minutes on Walls End. Some fucking know it.

I reckon the Geordie accent is the most done accent on this podcast. I reckon that's the one. You do it more than me. I do it a lot just walking around the house. I quite like just giving it a craft. I think the problem there is we try and do the African accent as well, and you don't know the difference, quite famously. Fog on your time.

It's all mine I just I oh yeah what was that thing we're just checking the focus okay she's very

she's very feety yeah would you like me to be less feety no it's fine I'm making it work don't worry just trying to make sure

the focus isn't I think the main thing is we don't draw attention to it okay hey Vicky we edit nothing out I'm sorry you were telling us just before we started you lived in

liverpool yeah i lived here for three years well not here but liverpool uh when i went to uni what you needed to go to liverpool john was okay the middle one is there three different levels well hope university's technically a university but more like a polytechnic no well john moore's a polytechnic like hope is adult daycare yeah well there's a there's a ball pill yeah there's a wacky way i was in the university i went to the wrong one um okay and then i'm assuming proper one is liverpool uni liverpool yeah what did you study um drama media and cultural studies okay so i feel like you could guess i was at polytechnic from that yeah yeah um but i loved it i don't think cambridge offered that harvard

their fucking loss yeah but they're the degrees when you're like 18 and you're like right what do you want to apply for they're the ones that sound dead fun is it you Cass what yeah you're going through all that shit me mum gave us some advice she said to me like pick do something at uni that you actually love she went because if you do something you won't like you don't like she went I'm not gonna be over your shoulder I'm making you go I'm not gonna be there and you just won't go and she was like a degree in something's better than degree in in notes. Well, she didn't realise what I was going to get a degree in. She was a wise lady though. Because I did politics and lasted nine months.

Same fucking reasoning. I wish I'd been doing something I really enjoyed. I did a subject and then no one was chasing me up and I just fucking quit. Did you do maths? For a week. No, we did the introductory to uni. I never went to a single lecture.

I enrolled on the maths course and after a week left where did you enroll the university of lift pearl oh yeah all right smug fuck we didn't go we didn't go to no but i still got in i still got the opportunity i still asked the fittest girl to the dance and then when she said yeah i was like go on your own why would you ask her then just so i know that i could have done right okay yeah didn't bother picking her up you should have taken the hope to the dance oh bless her How was your three years in Liverpool? When are we talking here? Oh, so long ago. So I'm 34. So do you want to do this, Mr. Maths?

16 years ago. 16 years. Thank you. I'm no Carol Vorderman. Yeah, 16 years ago. So long. Shit, that actually is quite upsetting. I would love you to replace, I was about to say Carol Vorderman,

but Rachel on Countdown. That'd be great. Someone who can't do maths. Yeah. But you'd be so happy to be here, like, loads of fucking numbers. Look at that. I know that's a lot.

Oh God, there's loads. Another letter. A letter. A letter. You're making me sound really hopey right now. Yeah, that's true did you like liverpool because i feel like liverpool newcastle have an affinity with each other um no i really agree um i literally did just want to pick somewhere that was going to

be a good night out you know a little bit of my mom's advice something i was going to enjoy um so liverpool and manchester and london they won me all my big choices. Leeds I think as well. But yeah, I was so pleased I got into Liverpool. I had the best fucking time. Like, we lived above the flute on Hardman Street. Oh my god. Oh, what a gaff. We were in there about a month ago.

What, the flute or above there? Because it's above there. That's next door to Hot Water Comedy Club. Is it really? That's next door to the club you said before. No! Such a small world, isn't it? Literally, yeah. We were there a month ago. That's next door to Hot Water Comedy Club. Is it really? That's next door to the club you said before. No! Such a small world, isn't it? Literally, yeah. We were there a month ago. So I literally used to go out all down that street.

Bumper? Yeah, bumper. Fucking hell, that's murder, isn't it? Is the bus still there? No, it's gone now. Oh, honestly. Is the kebab shop still there? Many.

Is it from the flute? Shiraz or Mr. Kebab? Shiraz? No, is it still there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've broken many a kebab in there. I reckon I had 12 kebabs in December from Shiraz. I love that place.

It's so sick. Half of the reason I take work at Hot Water, to have one of the best kebabs going. It is an epic kebab. Nabsies? Have you ever had nabsies? Nabsies was next door. No, I don't think I went nabsies.

That's quite new, isn't it? There was this, hang on. Yeah, I just loved it all around there. And I used to work at the Cook Eye on Bold Street. Okay. Oh, and I just had the best time. And this is all pre-TV stuff. Yeah.

So you did your union of a pool and then went back to Newcastle. Yeah. And that must have been roughly when Geordie Shore and that started. Yeah, pretty much. So I moved back to newcastle after uni because i was just skinned um and would you believe even with my amazing degree did not get off at a job um and then yeah me and like a couple of my mates just started who were in similar situations didn't quite know what we wanted to do sort of working in bars and nightclubs

um and i was like they are called i call it like the door whore which is not very progressive but yeah if your name's not on this you're not getting in that cow so i did that oh they always love me they always love a ball didn't fucking 40 up yeah like i can just see the reactions they all give the bouncer the hug they all hold the bouncers. That kind of girl. Yeah, I was that kind of girl. I probably still am that kind of girl, actually. I'm just doing a different job.

So, yeah, so that was what I did, and that's how I got found for doing George Shaw. Okay. So they just went around town and found some characters. It wasn't like a casting thing. So, essentially, there was a process, yeah, but that's how they started. They sent, like, young producers out on nights out in Newcastle

and they sort of got them to have a look for who they thought would make good TV, you know? Big personalities, fellas who are chatting up birds, drunk lasses. Do you remember what happened that night? Do you remember the night where you were spotted? They actually courted me for quite a while. They'd always come into the clubs I was working

and I'd get them a table and I'd get them a cheap bottle of vodka and chat to them and stuff. And I sort of became a bit like that unofficial tour guide for Newcastle. They'd say, where should we go on this night and where should we go on that night? Because I'd been galling out since I was probably 13 and I was 21 by this point, like I considered myself quite old hat.

So I had all the info for them. And then it was like, oh, what's he like? And I'd be like, he talks a good game, but he can't pull a muscle. Fuck him off. I'd be like, what about her?

And I'd be like, she can't, I want like a granny, like a granny on ice skates to get her. We just had a real laugh. And they used to say like. Because you knew everyone yeah

well Newcastle's tiny imagine having eight years of experience at 21 of like the city nightlife eight years in why I look so haggard now like the James Milner

of clubbing she's been around forever play any role was it good yeah okay i am i thought it was kind of good you're getting there son yours is brilliant obviously thank you is there is there a geordie sentence i can try um how we oh god yeah i mean you can try that that was crackers you spent can you do scouts because i think scouts is so hard to do i'm not doing scouts at all um my sister has this one line she uses and i swear it was off brookside and some of like

grace and katie and that's like the only thing i can like almost say the only thing i can do grace and katie yeah you're going that way grace and katie i can't even do that um we had we've had a lot of questions so we told our patreon listeners that you were coming in today okay because you are this makes me really scared no no it's it's it's good it's sort of having a little peek behind the curtain i suppose so you are the fit you've you've made the name for yourself and you've now gone on to have this amazing career in tv but through a lot of reality telly now i was a friend of mine called his name's johnny he now he he's just ended up working in sort of the finance sector and stuff but for a long time he wanted to be an actor and

he took a reality tv job on a show on e4 that i'm not sure anyone else in this room will have ever heard of but you might know of it it was called Party House do you ever remember that? no I don't remember Party House it sounds like something I would like though it was it sounds like Pat Sharp presents it

what else? Party House Pat Sharp's Party House I met him in Magaluf once what? yeah Pat Sharp was he sound?

yeah he was alright he was chatting up some some young birds hello Pat Sharp was he sound yeah he was alright he was chatting up some young birds hello Pat Sharp's wife sorry it'll be a fun house tonight this was years ago I'm sure he wasn't married

obviously reality TV to the viewer is always presented as this is exactly what happened here and then but we all know to an extent that there's a bit of nudging and pushing in certain directions one thing i found so johnny my mate he party house was essentially i think they did like six episodes johnny really fit yeah yeah he sounds like he's gonna be fit johnny just from johnny no it's also

on the reality tv show and now he's in finance. He just sounds like a lovely bit of kid. He's very charismatic. Is he? He's very, very charismatic, yeah. He's one of the funniest people I've ever met. And he did stand up for a while, but he just never really committed to it. It's not the name Johnny though, is it?

It's more, Johnny sounds fit. Like, yeah, he got picked for a place called, a thing called Party House on reality TV. And now he works at, he's not like, I got a choo-choo from hope like yeah yeah i get it i know what you mean yeah it's the after things it's not just the johnny can i see a picture of johnny yeah uh yeah absolutely he um to really help me visualize this story screen saver he doesn't actually look totally similar to alfie brown who is my current screensaver.

Right. Here's... Are we dropping it in? There are no pictures on Google of Jonathan. I've got one here. There's old American men but that's not who he is.

I mean, this isn't the most flattering picture but he's just a guy with a bit of nice hair and a beard and his ear isn't as weird as it looks in that picture.

I feel like I'm trying to sell him to you. He looks like a French artist. He's not the hipster. I feel like he could kind of be like a substitute teacher who would come into your school and all the girls would fancy him. But it would be like a CLS thing, Circumstantial Lowering of Standards.

I wouldn't fancy him in a bar. You wouldn't fancy him in a bar. What if he was giving you homework? You'd be like, how weird. Johnny and him in a bar wouldn't fancy him in a bar what if he was giving you homework you'd be like how we johnny i'm attracted to power oh my god oh my god will you just stand for council and suck off a lib dem. For God's sake, you and power man. He's obsessed with powerful women. Powerful women? That's what he's trying to tell me. Oh, okay.

So like, good for telling that. Yeah, no, not evil women. I'm telling you, I fancy more, I fancy Prissy Patel more than I would if she worked in like the pound, that's a lie, actually. The pasty woman's powerful as well. Do you know what I mean?

She can give you two for ones and that, but like, I'm more attracted to Priti Patel, the home secretary, than I am Priti Patel, the lorry driver. Gotta have a lot of power. And also,

there's been an HGV driver shortage. Mainly because of Pr Pretty Patel. Fucking horrible cunt. I'm so sorry. Power is... I will die on this hill on every episode of Get It Rolled On. Power is attractive. You've never met a hill you wouldn't die on, though.

You haven't... Like, there is... We're back to the thing. You can't have an Angela Merkel wank. It's just... Would you shag Margaret Thatcher? or would you have shagged her? I mean, I nearly said something that even I would have recoiled. She fucked your whole city, so would you?

No, I wouldn't have. Or, again, I would be more likely to shag Margaret Thatcher, the Prime Minister. The ex-CB chairman! Oh, my God. Deliver the milk. Do you not understand what I'm saying? A powerful man is attractive, surely. I feel like, yeah, don't get me wrong,

but, God, they come with loads of baggage and they get right on me tits. Yeah. I feel like, I don't know if a powerful woman's different but powerful men tend to come with like loads of ego and that needs stroked all the time and like dead competitive and oh i haven't got enough time for you no powerful men quite often just i don't mean you i don't think we'd get out he just described it oh i'm a powerful man with an ego and yeah that was so good that was almost like we screamed in here

and he's called Adam yeah so party house I think the CLS thing is yeah circumstantial lowering standards is a great theory I think it is absolutely right if you're on a night out and there's it's the general standard is lower you're all that everyone

standard lowers doesn't it if you're in a fucking holiday home and there's no one else there do you know what i mean it does all of a sudden yeah so in holiday home i picture like kids they're eating aunties and that like there's only aunties you've got to fuck one of them is that what you say linda I've never seen her do that. For me. Party House. Party House. I think they did six episodes, and each episode was like a different story,

and they were presenting it as like, oh, Johnny's sort of into these two girls and whatever, and what's going on. And at the time, I was a bit naive towards reality TV. And I was like, so when I seen Johnny afterwards at Stabberdown, I was like, it's mad that you were having that. And they filmed it all at the right time. And he was like, no, what actually happened was they found us as a group of mates.

And they were like, is there any stories from your life that we could portray like this? And essentially what we've seen in Party House had happened a year before. Oh, right. So that's sort of how they approached it. And a lot of our listeners today, we put a feeling out to me like,

Vicky's coming in, have you got any questions? Because you're the first person from reality TV that we've had in the studio. Yep. And they wanted to know, how much is it nudged and how much is it... Genuinely authentic. So I can only speak for the ones I've done.

Fair enough, there have been a few. But I don't know, like in your Towie's, in your Maiden Chelsea's and stuff. They're way more manufactured, aren't they? Yeah, I kind of like, yeah, I was implying that. The bar scenes. Oh, fuck me. Like, I don't know if I run into anyone

walking down the street ever. And Maiden Chelsea have kind of gone their way without running into some cunt. Can you? Jasper! Epiphany! So no, I think... Do you remember Desperate Scouts Wives?

Yes! Well, I was the bartender in one of them scenes and there was two people who were dating and they met at the bar as in they walked in and went, oh hi Adam, it was Leila and another one but they were having a big relationship issue but they just met. Pah! The 4x4. You winning an episode of reality TV. issue, but they just met. Pog! The four by four.

You winning an episode of reality TV. Yeah, in Zellix. I thought you knew that. I really liked that show. Did you? And I feel like they missed a trick not making more of it. Yeah.

Yeah, well, Liverpool's are very, like, Geordie's very parochial, and they get behind their own. That would have absolutely been massive I think so it's good wordplay wasn't it

yes but I think it got it got sort of a slagging from within Liverpool because I think

a lot of Scousers were like we don't want to be represented by the stories that were in like episode one people were like

this is what people think we are and we don't want they weren't really Scousers really

wasn't that Leila Irish yeah it wasn't it wasn weren't really Scousers really wasn't that Leila Irish yeah it wasn't like local Scousers like we're not Geordie Shores local Geordies

I see that's food from Teesside though that's a common misconception oh really so I was the only real Geordie there

Chris Ramsey used to do a joke about it that like a chunk of the girls were from South Shields and he refuses to believe

that Newcastle are having to outsource their slags that was one of his jokes for a while that's literally what one of his I fucking liked

Chris Ramsey as well what an arsehole his bird's funnier than him anyway clip boom big shout out Rosie

who we'll never work with see you on tour, Chris. So, the shows you did. So, we're talking Geordie Shore and I'm a Celeb. Ex on the Beach. Ex on the Beach. They were a lot less nudged. So, yeah, basically, the reason I think that is because we had...

So, if you put a group of people who've got strong personalities into a house and film them 24 hours a day like there is and you give them quite a lot of alcohol there's going to be drama yeah so it's easier you know like things like Maiden Chelsea and Towie they were having to kind of like hope like catch up with their everyday lives and they would miss stuff that when it wasn't on camera but if you're filming 24 hours a day you don't miss stuff yeah so ours was and I'd love to go god yeah i got made to do that and i got made to kiss him and i got made to say that but i didn't it happened you know for quite a lot of it and there was a little bit of manipulation um and elements of it were contrived but no predominantly

we were just a group of very young quite impressionable excited people who were drunk a lot and of course like you're going to kiss people you shouldn't and you're going to row and all the a group of very young, quite impressionable, excited people who were drunk a lot. And of course, like, you're going to kiss people you shouldn't and you're going to row and all the rest of it.

So, as the series drew on and we'd known each other longer and there was less organic fireworks and fun, yes, slightly more

nudging was needed. But in the early days, God, honestly, yeah, it was... So you and OG, you're like the,

you're absolute OG Geordie Shore. they bring person ever walking at the house you know i don't know why i'm weirdly proud of that i have won the jungle as well that's something more to be proud of that must have been amazing because as much as like we all like to pretend and your your instagram is great for this so we've followed each other on instagram since we did another podcast together and your instagram is a a really good honest reflection of what social media is where you're like is the picture that i really like of myself and is also what i look like on the same day but at the same time i'm still taking the pictures where i'm editing them because we all want to we

want the likes we want the likes, we want the comments, and we want that stuff. And surely the ultimate version of social media, we all like you, is the entire nation voting for you to win the biggest show on British telly. It was very validating. Yeah, no, I think we all watch it, don't we? Even if you don't watch it religious't we're like even if you're not you don't like watch it

religiously like it's such a big british institution in terms of tv and yeah like it's just honestly it was just fucking class like i remember wanting to do it for years but wouldn't consider touching anyone from geordie shore you know um and eventually i think like they just expanded their horizons a bit and we wore them down and I met with them and answered all the questions and like, you know, when you smash an interview and you just think like, when you walk out, you can sort of think to yourself, if you don't want me after that, then you don't want Vicky Patterson and that's okay. But like, I couldn't have done any better of a job of representing myself. And when they rang, I was so happy and

I honestly just thought like i'll be straight out no one's gonna like me and i get it and everyone's gonna think i'm something i'm not and honestly within like the first 24 hours like i was the favorite to win and i stayed that way the whole way through and i just had the nicest like more than that i just had the nicest time like everyone was lovely and even when the people were around i was like fucking hell when you said the word lovely then you went dead scouse yeah everyone was lovely that was really strange did you pick up on that then must just be like the influence yeah i couldn't i couldn't let that slide you see people struggling to be because you were just yourself yeah did you find it easy just i suppose geordie shaw must have helped there because

you've got famous just being yourself and like going out being drunk and then just letting it all ride was that easy when it got to the jungle so i think that's why yes exactly that's a great observation like loads i think that's why they've pulled away from reality tv stars on these type of shows because we do we've we've been we've been training for it you know for ages like we are just ourselves but actors and like sports stars and like you know people like that it's they've probably been trying to put their best foot forward

always or playing someone else so when they're told to just strip it all back and just be them like potentially they're not that interesting or like or they're a dick or they just really aren't that entertaining. So it's a tough one. Goony.

You're like, what? It's not even that they're offensive sometimes, but you're like, why is Amir Khan coming off as a goon? I quite like him, but you're just watching it going, just hard to watch. Just really not relaxed in his own sort of persona. But they're also never going to win a show like that. I think that's probably why you've won is you can tell from 30 seconds of you being in this room

that there's no second Vicky Patterson. Do you know what I mean? And people want genuine. And even if you get wound up on I'm a celeb, the public can be like, oh yeah, I'd be fuming with that. It's when you're being a dick and you're being like, oh, I know everyone else

has done all the stars, but I'm not fucking eating a squirrel's arsehole. So everyone can just have beans. Squirrel? In the jungle? Where is your jungle? Yo,

Delamere Forest. Which is actually not that far from where I'm a celebrity is now. Did you do any trials? Yeah, I did loads. I did the most my year. Wow. What was your favourite one?

So I drank blended camel penis called schlong island iced tea. Nice. We can save that. We're thinking about opening a cocktail bar that will get shut down instantly. But we're leading with that. That will do well. Very grainy yeah but that was quite easy and then like i did some really fun quite easy

oh i mean i've had fucking worse things in my mouth you've all seen jordy shaw so no we just had and then what else there was really fun ones I think there's this one I'm so sorry it's okay keep going

it's fine Paul's very precious about where his mic is it's fine so there's this big one that was like a giant advent calendar and I think I like this one

so much because it was like it was like a real personal like win and like the told us beforehand they were like it's 50 degrees today like don't even try and get all them stars and it was nine i think there was nine of us left and it was like a red rag to a bowl that because i just remember thinking like don't tell me what to do like i'm here to win this like i'm here to change everyone's perceptions of me prove I'm strong and brave and a team player and everything. I'm getting them nine stars.

And slipping along the wooden slats, I literally got burns because I was going so fast and it was so fucking hot. But I got the nine stars. And I just remember feeling afterwards, yes, it was a bit motivated out of spite. I remember thinking, ha! But also I just remember thinking,

fucking hell, no one thought I could do that and I did it. i think that's what the jungle is like challenging people's perceptions of you and also like proving like proving yourself you're capable for so long like i believed all the things everyone said about us on geordie show that i was a slag that i was like you know scumbag or a monster or a drunk or portraying the whole region badly. But I got that moment on Armour's celebrity change people's opinions. And I think that's why it was special. I get that when I get up before 9am. That exact same feeling you've just been describing.

If I get up at like quarter to nine, I'm like, do you know what? No one thought I could do that. This is my whole region. When do you ever get up at quarter to nine? Except for a play on a train. for the play in april last year the game changer i've been getting up quite early i've been back in the gym vicky what time do you get out of bed 7 15 why um

what is there to do at 7 15 in the morning I've got a huge Labrador puppy having a Milo's and early riser. So if I get out of bed, like today was 7.15, but anything after about half six is an absolute personal win. I just can't do that. He's just torture, guys. He just jumps on us till I wake up. Right. You've got no choice, lad.

Yeah, that's different. Yeah. But I've got no dogs to wake me up. He thinks he's getting up at's getting I thought you had dogs Yeah with the downstairs Oh Alright cool Do you have dogs

I don't have dogs I don't have dogs To wake me up But you've got dogs Yeah yeah yeah I've got some puppies Actually but they don't What have you got

Two cavapoos I bet they're lush How come they sleep downstairs Because There's no judgement here So they don't wake me up No they sleep Have you tried's no judgement here. So they don't wake me up. Have you tried that?

You just don't deserve dogs. They sleep downstairs and then when I come down they're awake and we have food. Does your dog have the entire run of the house at all times? He's like an absolute spoilt brat. And I know even as these words leave me lips I shouldn't be proud of it

but he was a rescue dog and I adore Milo so much, and I just don't know what his life was like before he got me, so I intend to live every day and make up for it. So he has very few boundaries. He absolutely dominates my life. Don't you have a dog bathroom in your house?

Yeah, a paper building, a dog shower. A dog shower? Your dog's won the fucking Euro millions. He must talk to other dogs like, lads, it's fucking amazing. It used to be shit and then she came along. I've got my own fucking en suite. What do you think?

Oh, I would love to know what his voice would sound like. I think he's Eastern European. Adam can do that? And what would that sound like? Why? Why? That's where he got rescued from like romania or somewhere so i feel like he'd be whenever he doesn't listen to my old dog was like that hungarian she was rescued from hungary yeah so whenever there isn't a fucking dog pound near you

where did you rescue your dog from? Transylvania. What a fucking vampire dog. He could have gone down the bottom of the road. Nah, nah, nah. Don't need a local dog. There's charities because in Eastern Europe, it's illegal here. In Eastern Europe, there are kill shelters.

So dogs are sort of found on the streets or wherever or abandoned and they're put into these shelters and it is essentially, if someone doesn't rescue this dog, it's getting fucking you know, it's getting on the fucking the suicide slide into the quarry, right? So, they let it have one last

bit of fun, right? The one way kennel. Yeah, so when I was with my ex-girlfriend and we wanted a dog and she was a very conscientious person, she was like, we're rescuing and I found out about this kill shelter stuff so we're getting a kill shelter

Hungarian dog. This episode is sponsored by Romanian kill shelters. Use code SAVEFUCKINGREX to get a free Eastern European dog. Thank you so much

in the city of Romania. Can I have my own bathroom please? That's what I think he sounds like. Milo. That is exactly what... Vicky, thank you so much for the hospitality. When he doesn't pay attention to his In Me Geordie accent,

I go, Mr. Milosh, like that. And then he pays attention. Because I think he didn't understand us before mr milos what mr milos oh you want me where are we going did you was it flown over for you no so it was getting illegally smuggled into the country she's like who doesn't want to pay for their dogs man you know what i mean like so obviously Has it flown over for you? No, so it was getting illegally smuggled into the country. It's like, who doesn't want to pay for their dogs, man? You know what I mean?

So obviously somebody didn't want to pay for this lab, and they were smuggling them in, and him and his brother and sister, and then obviously ran into a bit of... I mean, I'm completely creating this story. Like, this is... I didn't know this. But then they sort of... They got stopped at customs,

and I'm assuming they just ran off. Yeah. Because then they just found these three puppies in the back of a van so this is why i think has happened i mean i don't imagine anyone would just drive them to the border and leave them there for any other reason so yeah so these three baby puppies got found and then they rang the dog's trust and the dog's trust come and get them and then they rehomed them. Nice. So that's how Milo met me. Oh, that's really nice. See, my one was shipped in. All right, FedEx. Not Hermes. Jesus Christ. The dog's been through enough to get booted off the roof.

Drop kicked by some Hermes. Go fuck yourself. Your life is not better than mine. So you went on their website and was like, yeah, I'll have this one. And then they fly it in, and it initially went to a house in Warrington, and that's where we picked it up from. Sounds like cocaine.

Got it through border control. Went to pick it up in a house in Warrington. They had guns. Right. Amazing. You had to pay a nominal fee. Like, you essentially had to pay for that Warrington woman to foster the dog

For a week Yeah Right I think it was like 120 quid Did the fly Law to them over At once

Yeah I don't think Just one driver One dog at a time That's how I would Expect my lot of travel John John the

Fucking pilot Is just waiting there He's like I hope I get a job today it's like an Uber driver it's like got one John this one's going to Waddington land it's a cock of Spaniel

there you go we are going to need to get this rottweiler over tomorrow so quick back there as you can Jesus I didn't know any of this guys I thought you just fucking went yeah Eastern Europeans are horrible to dogs that's all

fact fact not as horrible as the to dogs that's all fact fact not as horrible as the Chinese well that's a different level isn't it they scram them don't they

isn't that Korea they scram them there and now now they have a dog meat festival in China oh do they festival this episode is also

sponsored by Chinese dog meat festival am I making this really sad to people like you can't be a Snickers. Comfort food.

I need to, I'm feeling upset. You're not the same without the Snickers. Yeah. Not you when you're hungry. Just thinking about all the doggies. That's a real vision. Oh, I really enjoyed this. Oh, should we have a-

Do you need a snack break? No. Just having one. Just feel sad for all these European Chinese dogs I'd take them all if I could you know all of them all of them

all of them all of them how many have you have you just got the one just Milo at the moment yeah how many do you think you'll have what will be your

your limit of dogs my goal is to get really rich and go back to Newcastle where house prices are cheaper and build a massive house and fill it with loads of dogs. My goal is to get really rich and go back to Newcastle where house prices are cheaper and build a massive house and fill it with loads of dogs. And I actually quite like llamas as well. You've seen them bombing about.

Everyone's getting them now. How is this not being made into a TV show? Vicky Pattinson's big mad as fuck dog house. Just ran off into a van. Literally on the quayside you just pan over you'll see the sage and the Baltic and the Just ran off into a van. Literally, on the quayside. You just pan over, you'll see the Sage and the Baltic and the... Fucking Vicky Patterson's house.

Kind of get the fucking sleep. Full of llamas. What sound does a llama make? No, it doesn't. It does. They spit, don't they? Llamas are spitters. Yeah, they are top spitters.

Top spitters? Top spitters. Top trters? Top spitters. Top trumps. Are they top trump llamas? Get yourself a llama then. I would love a llama. Do you ride them? You can do whatever you want

if it's yours. You can if you're really rich. You in the middle of Newcastle riding a llama. She's changed. Spit on them. With your army of East European dogs. She is a leader.

She is a queen. This is my goal in life now. I'm so happy. I'm so happy I came here today. Dogs, llamas, any other animal to add to that? No. I like those. What about the pigs?

They're little fat fucking, what are they called? Micro pigs. What are they called? Micro pigs. Not the little fat ones. They look like they're on, no. Warthogs. Pigs.

Do you think I was mispronouncing? I was saying pigs and you were like, what do you mean pugs? Warthogs. Hippos. Pogs. Pogos. Pogs. Pogs. Porcupines. Yeah, I meant porcupines.

Yeah, that type of pig. Pugs. Pot-bellied pigs. Pot-bellied. Hey, there you go. Snacked. You want a pot-bellied pig? I like them.

They're a little fun for us. They're quite good house pets, apparently, a pot-bellied pig. So too. Says the National Pot-Bellied Pig Society. Liz in there, interesting. To is in their interest, though. To be fair. To be fair. They have got a dog in the race.

Today's episode brought to you by the Potbelly Big Society. I need to unsubscribe from their mailing list. Get those to spam. Get them, what are we? Dan, they're still good, you know. You really, you don't want to get one can we have a break yeah I need a little break

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Hey. Because we're doing a podcast, isn't it? Yeah. Remember? Yeah. Part four. Part four.

Hang on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Fucking numbers. We have... We we have i feel like uh alan stubbs playing a charity game there still we've got a would you rather this is what we built this house on absolute nonsense okay from daniel johnstone who's not the og dan johnstone uh johnstone hello liz just a little would you rather would you rather sing every time you talked or danced every time you walked keep up the good work lid

and ps this isn't the og dan johnson yeah bruv so you've got to do one you can't be like i just want to do neither that's silly um i actually would defo rather dance everywhere I went. I feel like that's so cool. I feel like you do that anyway. Yeah, I'm really happy. You've gone to the toilet before.

Yeah, I see. Did you see that? Yeah. Yeah, I really needed a wee. But I skip a lot and I feel like dancing is just a bit of it an extension from that.

But I fucking honestly nobody wants to hear this sing. So I think I'll be doing the world a favour by picking the dance option. When you ran to the toilet before I was praying because obviously as our regular listeners know and anyone who's tuning in today for the first time because of vicky festival welcome to the bullshit bus and thank you um we are on uh an office block essentially in a science

research center in runcorn and we're different. It's cheap. I would have loved for someone in this office to have opened the door and seen you running past and gone back into the office and be like, Dave, just let you know the Queen of the Jungle, Vicky Patterson, she's just splitting up and down the hallway. Do you want to go home, babe?

You said you were going to go home. No, she is out there right now and then she looks and you've just kaiser's age you've just completely gone and now she was there before i remember the similar question when i was a listener of have a word rather than a member of the worst places that you would have to dance and one of them was being a pallbearer yeah to be fair if you think about it but then but then it's the nobody it but then but then it's the nobody's ever but then it's the gif

isn't it that's fine yeah but that only works if you're old oh yeah you can't have your crying uncle Paul

and you're like come on uncle Paul it's the cha-cha where else is the worst place to dance if you have to walk where's the worst place to dance so If you have to walk, where's the worst place to dance? So down the aisle, standard.

You just look dead happy to finally be getting married. Fine. Fine. On the moon, you know. Literally. I just put walk in my head and my stupid fucking head came with moonwalk. What happens if you're in a porter in a mortuary?

That'd be great crap. Well, they don't know. They don't know. Oh, yes. if you're in a porter and a mortuary? That'd be quite crap. Yeah, because if you're- Well, they don't know. They don't know. Oh yes. If you're a heart surgeon. Oh. Dancing around the table.

Yeah. No, you're not walking though, are you? What? You stood there doing the thing. Yeah. And then be like, it's couple. Oh, so you're not just constantly dancing?

I know, it's just when you walk. See, I thought with that one, I'd just be here right now being like, so it's like Vicky here, we're all on the phone. Oh, no, no, no. Just when you walk see I thought with that one I'd just be here right now being like Vicky here we're all on the phone no no no just when you

walk you've got to dance right I don't think I'm taking the single one to be honest with you why

why why not hi ho a lot of people say look at me there uh oh where's the worst

place to sing on this podcast he's proved that many a time i don't know i don't think there's really a bad place to sing is that it is eulogy what about like a really important meeting like where you gotta like everyone think you've gotta be serious and you gotta smash it i'm in them all the time okay i'm trying to think a eulogy is fine because you just instead of you you just go you just sing a hymn what if you wrap it though what what if you wouldn't that's not the question eulogy you could easily sing that's actually quite an easy one to get away with

because you just go up and even easier if her name's grace oh grace no amazing grace Oh, Grease! No, Amazing Grace. Oh, Amazing Grace, yeah. Grace and Katie. Grace and Katie. Let him do his own jokes, is that what you're saying? Do you know what would be good? Is hearing the audio of Adam singing his Chinese order when he was hungover. How I like some salt and pepper chicken. That'd be brilliant.

That would be so painful. Tears. Oh, and some su brilliant. That would be so painful. Tears. Oh, and some shumai. Shumai? Shumai. What are they called? Shumai. Shumai.

What's a shumai? What's a shumai? Mad. Thank you. What is a shumai? It's a made up Scouse Chinese food. It's a dumpling. What's the origin of a shumai? Me auntie forn barrel.

That's it. What is a shumai me auntie for a barrel that's it what is a shumai it's a pork dumpling that's been either steamed or fried better if they're fried have you googled it have I googled it yeah

he's eaten it I just think like if you google it you'll know if it truly exists is the telly on no I know it exists because I've ordered it

in a Chinese restaurant is it no the telly isn't on put it on where's the remote it's in front here how would you spell a shumai s-i-u-m-a-i No, I know it exists because I've ordered it in a Chinese restaurant. Is it legitimately? No, the telly isn't on. Put it on. Where's the remote control? Would you spell a shumai? S-I-U-M-A-I. S?

How do you sing it? Shumai. Shumai. Shumai, motherfucker. It's just going in my chest. Oh, there you go. Okay. Shumai, mate.

Chinese theme. What does the name shumai mean? Shumai. It means soft as well, in case anyone was wondering. And is it traditional cantersease? Cantersease. Oh, it means soft as well, in case anyone was wondering. It is traditional cantersease. Cantersease. Oh, is that what it says? I don't know.

Cantersease, yeah? It's near Anfield, cantersease. That's definitely not how you spell it either. Shumai. I've never spelt it with a H. No. I think there's multiple translations. Shumai is an absolute stonker of a scram.

Oh, they look lovely. I've actually had those. I just didn't know they were called shumais. No one else did either. Don't worry about it. In parts of the country they call them

porky porky dump dumps. Or parts. Or can I get one or two portions of a porky porky dump dumps? Do you do Tizer?

Oh, fucking tizer we're going down nostalgia here aren't we oh mate 90s pops yeah i think i'm singing i don't think there's a bad time to sing this whole podcast you stand up well how would you do you you're a musical comedian no you wouldn't because you hate being a music you hate musical comedy yeah i don't do it no but i'd be an original wouldn't i hate parody songs you're one of the best comics in the country why would you ruin it but go has anybody noticed because otherwise i've got to do the fucking charleston on the stage yeah and then stand still no just fucking adam loves gigging hi normal comedy normal comedy normal comedy on the stage. Yeah, and then stand still. No, just fucking Adam loves gigging. Hi, normal comedy,

normal comedy, normal comedy. It's easy. Yeah, you're not thoughtless, do you? Oh, dear. Oh, Adam, you've made such a schoolboy era. Cheers.

That. Cheers right there. You should never sing. But Vicky doesn't like being wrong. He wants to die on this Adam Hills, right? So he's like, no.

He's just been proved wrong and then he asked me what it was. Go on, admit it. Admit it. Admit it, you'd rather dance walk. No, I don't think I would. I honestly don't think I would. Oh, Adam, come on. Let him bang his cavil on the thing.

Thank you, Vicky. You're welcome, pal. Hey! And I'll call this one you. We've got some advice. We need, what, Agony Adam? Yeah. Okay, cool.

You can't hear the song. We got to a point, Vicky, where the listeners, they've been writing in for advice for a long time, but they just got to the point where they were like, we don't want to hear from Dan because he's full of shit so we changed it to Agony Adam so what we did is I came up with a feature

and was generous enough to call it Agony Adam and I got this music made cheers hi right this one's this one's

noody needs to be anonymous they all the good ones do okay although I would like everyone's input on this too for context I'm 32 This one's noody. It needs to be anonymous. All the good ones do. Although, I would like everyone's input on this too. For context, I'm 32,

in pretty good shape physically, six pack abs, et cetera. Is that wrong? Very well endowed and not too bad looking generally. Fuck off, mate. I was recently propositioned

on Tinder by a couple asking me to cook the husband. This isn't something I'd ever considered before or even thought i'd like but entertain the idea for a laugh initially after a bit of discussion and some very naughty pics of the wife talking 100 milf i started to come around to the idea this is where it gets weird the husband then messaged me privately and asked if i'd be interested in dominating him basically wants me

to show off to him and talk down talk down to him and say all the things that i could do to his wife that he couldn't and basically kind of just cook him without her being there he also asked he also asked if i would wear a pair of boxers for 24 hours straight and then let him sniff them i'm um i'm sure right okay so he basically wants humiliating by an alpha male type obviously my answer was a straight up no chance i only want to fuck your wife and the most involvement from you will be literally to watch as initially discussed to which he is now offering me 500 pounds to do the stuff just for him and then i get to fuck his wife after two so should i just do it for the money and what would the lids do in this situation do it for the fucking love of the game mate never mind the money do for the story do for the gram come on

i'm not being funny but this is a fucking phenomenal opportunity yeah i think it i think it was a phenomenal opportunity until the middle bit that was horrible. This fella gets off from being humiliated and who doesn't want to exert their power? Oh, God. Even she's pissed off at him. Fuck me, I'll add him.

We didn't run, called 45 minutes. Adam there going, go go on don't give him planning permission right so I get like I get the wife thing you the whole you get to go

and bang 100% milk but this husband stuff is fucking weird where you have to be like oh you're right little dick fucker

smelly bills sniff my knickers you're like little dick fucker smelly bills and that sniff my knickers you're like little dick and then you're like are we done here do you feel like shit I'm off to bang your wife can we just cut that bit out

he's like 500 pounds master you're like put me right off would he I don't give a clue what you're do you know what genuinely

if you're not going to do this tell him to get in touch with me I don't know if sorry this is really mean but like based on the stuff he said beforehand i don't know if you're his demographic all right let me just let me just go back vicky six pack abs etc well endowed and not too bad looking generally give me six weeks an ab a week yeah i reckon I can do this For 500 quid?

Fuck that As long as I can film it And put it on Patreon 100% Yeah We just get Will in I'll blur his face out Unless he wants to be in it

He would What you're saying I'll make him the thumbnail What you're saying Just give him a taste To the camera What? Let him know

Because he's about to pay 500 quid this cook What kind of thing Are you going to say to him Adam? Let him know don't me just look down the camera this is an advert this is like naughty tinder go on you tell his name uh he's not listen nathan you pathetic piece of shit get on your knees and clean that carpet with your teeth. Nibble the carpet. Bite that carpet.

Hoover that carpet. Go on. Get down there. Do you know for 250 I'll come along as well and be like the hype man. Yeah. Fucking nibble that carpet. Hoover that with your

fucking mouth you bitch. I'd 100% do this. I'd 100% be there as well. I'm 250. What else say that's um he's basically said clean the floor that's it that's pretty much all he needs i think yeah and you know what he gets he gets extra for spanking yeah use him to spank you oh oh he doesn't want to spank me does he he wants to be he wants to be humiliated does Does he just, sorry, just to know the full story, does the fella just want to get humiliated

or does he want to have sex with him as well? Yeah, and the other question is, does he have a dirty carpet that needs cleaning? Because that's going to be helpful as well. That's my line, I'm not fucking you. No, no, I don't think that's it. It's a humiliation thing, cook him. Go and stand in the garden for a bit.

It's cold. You really need to. You're not 500 quid, mate. You're an open spot. Go and stand in the garden. In your undies. Go and stand in the garden. That's where you belong.

You fucking street man. You are showing Nathan. Nathan's not paying, though. He's got off on this. Let's not give though, he's got off on this. Let's not give off murder vibes to you, Vicky. This feels like someone's going to get murdered in like a, you know. I just think getting involved in anybody's relationship is absolutely asking for bother.

Like, you know, like even when you spot your mate's fella cheating on her in a club or a bar, if you go and tell her, before you know it, he's smoothed out and you're the arsehole like this is that times a million you know like the wife doesn't know that he's asking for this behind our back what if she finds out that and then like what if you get blamed for like breaking it up and what if they've got kids and nah mate you're opening a can of worms i feel like leave this bullshit to somebody else like you don't need the hassle honestly i've got anxiety in the back of my legs are sweating just after just after hearing him right in yeah i don't know why he's not he's a good looking lad he doesn't

have to bang 30 whatever year old 32 year old milfs that have got weird husbands and if there's kids involved as well oh my don't shout the kids well no just take that as red call you're right that's a general rule for life you said there was kids involved yeah i was just trying to make sure there wasn't i'm being serious get in the garden you scumbag get in the garden yeah get in his garden and clean it i'm gonna hype it up yeah get through the patio sit on that fence yeah the spike sit on the fence yeah not figuratively that fence right up your ass Yeah, get through the patio door. Sit on that fence. Yeah, the spiky one. Sit on the fence. Yeah, not figuratively. Get that fence right up your arse. No, literally get on the fence. Put one foot in the other person's garden.

Go next door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be a makeover. What else, Adam? Let's humiliate them. Clean the windows. Yeah, lend me a fiver. Now, with your top.

With your top. Take your top off and clean the windows. Yeah. He's only got bills on him. Yeah, there's a quid back. With your top. Take your top off and clean the windows. He's only got bills on him. No, there's a quid back. You need that. Oh. Skin cunt.

Oh, that's the ultimate. Hang on, are you paying him now? What's happening here? That's the ultimate humiliation. Don't even need all your money. I'll keep 499. Yeah. You need that quid.

What's the quid for? You need it more than me. It just adds to it, doesn't it? A trolley. It's layers. That's need it more than me it just adds to it a trolley I told her I'd give her actually I'd give her a trolley thing yeah I have a trolley thing

used to be worth a quid that meaningless now well get in touch that's pretty thorough absolutely phenomenal

well done so dark I feel like that went really dark that's about 6 out of 10 for this podcast is it that was light

did you do did you keep it light and airy for me no no we're just getting warmed up is there more to this segment this is the have a words anonymous please wag wag lids

need you to have a word with my housemate or myself I live with my housemate or myself. I live with my girlfriend and recently had a good friend move in temporarily. He does pay rent. The issue is he eats like he's had a stroke. Proper mouth breather business. And it drives me insane.

He knows I can't stand the sound of people eating, but says it's my problem and continues to eat his meals in our shared space like he's never been fed. I'm about one bag of crisps away from snapping, and last night took myself away upstairs while he ate. I feel like I shouldn't have to leave the living room every time he eats. My girlfriend is a carer, so is used to her residents eating loudly, so this doesn't bother her as much.

Have a word and tell him to close his damn lips when he's eating, as it's rude and annoying. Or have a word with me and tell me to get over myself. Cheers. The all-loud eater. Okay. So this is dead annoying. But it sounds to me like the guy who's written it is exaggerating it a bit as well.

And I think he's one of those fucking, oh my God, would you fuck off with your eating? I think some people just get a bit precious about this shite have you got any things that um we were slagging off you know the new the new phrase

ick is there any things that give you that like that make your skin call like loudy my dad when we were kids when he was eating a roast

on a Sunday afternoon could put a colossal amount of food in his mouth you know when you're young and your dad seems massive anyway and I could hear him chewing it and I've got ptsd from the 80s in preston it was horrible so i i

cannot stand this i completely sympathize like noisy eating is fucking is there anything that gives you the sort of like shudder loads of things so like erkan like that's my fella he eats like loads like he's for a big turkish family and they just absolutely love their scran and i don't know if it was a kind of like monica from friends situation where like if you didn't eat first you didn't eat at all so like he's really fast and like he gets like and he's rushed to get it in his body he gets it around his face and i feel like saying there's only fucking me and you here mate like i'm a tiny person like where do you think that's going slow down and get that coleslaw off your lip before i

finish you you fucking tramp you know when you know when you ask a guest something you're like i wonder if they'll buy it on this i hope he doesn't listen because i really love him but honestly has he got brothers and sisters has he come from a big family three brothers yeah so it's like pigs at the trough wasn't it when they were kids

yeah he's the youngest one so I kind of feel like yeah but I've seen him and he's not the runt of the litter is he no he's definitely not the runt he's absolutely lush

but yeah it's honestly for some reason he gets it in like the weirdest places like he'll have like coleslaw and he's ER in that and I'm just like what

does he only eat coleslaw no like he also likes hummus and like taziki but like i'm thinking the more like liquidy things like get places you know he's not gonna have a lamb chop hanging off his ear is he i could fucking make this from coleslaw and hummus right now you know oh i can't have that for me too there's a coleslaw and hummus restaurant near me yeah it's all the cell food food so food in the face is your food round the face i don't mind in your face but round the face yeah do you get that is that weird or is that normal you know like on like children's tv shows where people get like pies in the face and that does that bother you no i don't mind that bit babe like that's all in the good name of entertainment

isn't it but like when i'm just sitting there having my dinner and that needs got to z hanging off his nostril. I feel like I'm smashing his face in. I sympathise with this guy. I don't think he's exaggerating. I think it's brutal. I talked about when I was getting into comedy, just watching, I don't want to name them, I think I did last time, but just watching certain comedians.

Comedians are all weirdos. All the good comics are a little bit weird we've all got foibles like that make you get on stage in front of strangers and try and make people laugh and all the brilliant comics have got those things going on but they've also got these weird little idiosyncrasies and the amount of like amazing comedians i watched like just eat a chicken wrap and you're like oh my oh my god i feel like ringing social services like like really gollumy you're like what are you doing name what are you telling social services tell me please i told you about jim jeffries is a very successful comedian i hope none of you ever

after watching me a chicken wrap it's literally like you know have you seen people who are dealing with addiction it was like he had a really debilitating chicken wrap addiction and he was like gone of like two months cold turkey and then was like it was just the most mental thing i've ever seen i find it a bit like i don't know i don't know why some people are laid back about that stuff but i i can't stand it like that it was just so stressful watching happening like just eat it normally like be normal like just rushing like like someone was gonna go give me that fucking chicken wrap did he eat it weird as well did he pull it apart and like have bits of it or did he just shove it he smashed it in his face like the big bully was gonna come and go that's my fucking chicken wrap

like it was mental like he had to just disappear it like first day in prison so yeah i i sympathize i'm not laid back with this sort of stuff i think you need to sort out your habits i think i think he is exaggerating but it's all so bad i just think some people like i don't think i'm a horrendous eater and i've've had some people go like, oh, can you stop that? And I'm like, can you just fuck off? Can you just be an adult and understand that you don't always get to hear the exact noise you like at any one time, you big fucking tit.

It's Nathan again. Adam's looking forward to dating. Eating crisp loud, I doubt it makes them taste better. If you want crisp like this, you're the gobshite. Eating crisps like messy makes them taste better if you eat one crisp like this you're a gobshite eating crisps like messy it tastes better do you think

it's something to do with getting them aerated yeah it must be something crisps are loud though aren't they but you fucking

get them in your face right I just think it tastes better crisps are you a one crisp at a time man or are you

like three or four I don't know who's this who is this person that's eating crisps? The people at the Savoy. Yeah, they're always in a bag

of crisps, aren't they? Yeah, kettle chips. Oh, posh crisps. Tori crisps. Two rolls there.

Yeah. Not a bag of frazzles to be seen. Just Adam obnoxiously eating frazzles in the corner. When you go to the Savoy, he's booked at the Savoy.

Oh no, you cancelled it, didn't you? Right, can I ask you a question on this? Say if you get something from this, because obviously, we're talking about this in the first half of the show.

So obviously, you're from probably a very similar background to us, which is working class and rough as fuck. And then you're now in the world of entertainment where you get certain opportunities and you get to stay in some amazing places. and do you take a bit of pleasure in pissing off all the posh cunts there by just being you um i don't think i do when i'm sober like i think when i'm sober i'm like desperate to acclimatize and be accepted but i think if i've had a drink and someone as much as like looks at us if they hear my accent or whatever

I'm like you know then I have some sort of switch that makes me I like to define it between being like Vicky ITV and Vicky Geordie show and if someone looks at me like that I go full Vicky Geordie show so yeah I can be like that definitely I think that's our own insecurities

you know oh why hi definitely they're probably not even bothered they probably don't even give a fuck Definitely. I think that's our own insecurities, you know. You reckon? Oh, why, I? Definitely. They're probably not even bothered. They probably don't even give a fuck. No, I know that they are. They probably tune us out.

It's like horses with blinkers. They probably don't even see us. No, if you're in the Savoy in your fucking eating frazzles, I don't think

they're tuning you out. Savoy in an underarm of trackie, a D squared cap. Telling some man to clean the floor with his teeth. Get in the fucking

garden get on that fence I've paid mate I was told you're my waiter clean the floor suck that carpet Quentin

suck the carpet Quentin fortune twenty two now Quentin Fortune There's a way That you've smashed it Shall we call it a pod

Boys And girls Shall we call that a pod I think that's been A good one hasn't it It's been fucking great fun Vicky Patterson Oh my god is that it

Yeah That was so quick I told you We'd have you out of here In no time I get to go back to Stoke now Woohoo What are you doing in Stoke? Apart from living the dream

She's filming the new series of Stokeshaw Stokeshaw Stokey show There's a doggy hotel there Milo is there with my mum Being your own llama as well A doggy hotel Oh I thought you were saving dogs from Stoke

No Fucking hell on llama as well there's what a doggy hotel oh I thought you were saving dogs from Stoke no fucking hell I love Stoke Stoke saving from China Romania and North Staffordshire fucking hell

shout out Stoke are you doing alright so are you staying in the doggy hotel with the dog yeah right okay I've got to say

little like cabin on the lake and the doggies because they all run around together in that it is really nice you are on the lake And the doggies Because they all run around Together in that It is really nice You are on the lake Yeah

Oh that's nice Milo went and swam Yesterday with the ducks Luckily he did not catch any But yeah we're having A great time Me mum's there as well Is he making friends

With the other dogs He loves other dogs And he always tries To be nice to them But I don't understand Why somebody would bring A nasty dog to a dog hotel And someone yesterday

Was like Can you keep your dog away mine's aggressive i was like well keep them at home then what are you bringing them here for yeah so yes there's a couple assholes maybe they just knew it was eastern european and the other dogs had some trouble with eastern european dogs before you're telling me there's racist dogs 100 percent no don't we know a racist dog my uncle's dog yeah this is 100 true and this is not good and someone must have taught this dog this but my uncle my auntie and uncle's pug if there's comfortable again you absolutely should whenever there is a man of asian descent on the tv it tries to attack the telly that's a lame behavior though that's It wasn't born with that prejudice, was it? Look, it remains to be seen.

Not enough research has been done into racist dogs. Just not got the funding. But if you give, today's sponsor is sponsored by racist dogs. If you just give £2 a month, it's been fucking great. Where can we find you? You do a podcast? I do, I do a podcast i do i do a podcast mine's very different to this one it's called vicky patterson the secret too um and it's

constantly being made you can find that wherever you find your podcasts i'm on instagram your name is vicky patterson i've also got a book out at the minute called the secret to happy it came out a couple of weeks ago didn't it did babe yeah sunday times bestseller bitches nice um very validating thank again thank you see i'd be fucking bouncing around the savoy with now and then just being as jolly as possible how we oh we went fucking miriam was like because you pipe down and be like sunny times bestseller fuck you why are you? You're going there just to do that? Literally just to do that, yeah. And there'll be a dog barking going,

that fucking African. Oh, it's been fun. I've had a really nice time. Thank you so much for having us, lads. Thank you so much for having us. Let's get you a Ford Fiesta to take you back to Stoke. Quickly, the dog hotel. All so now go what yeah tour tour tour tour to adam roderco.uk forward slash shows oh my second of a bill days is on sale now to you lot to get tickets for mine not that we'll work on the ending again