Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #158 with Calfreezy - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

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That's me done. Me gone. Go ahead. Get on me. Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally?

Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word! Go Ed, get on me! I've been listening to the Hamilton soundtrack quite a lot over the past week. Shite. And they're quite therapeutic. Shite. It's great. Tell us all about it. I know you're having a tricky time at the moment,

so tell us all about it. It's just good to have art, isn't it? Like, have art in your life in a difficult time. Art. The Hamilton soundtrack and mixtape. Actually raised money for a charity in Puerto Rico. Oh, that's right, you didn't give a fuck. And now you still don't.

But no, that's great. Whatever's getting you through. Alexander Hamilton. Where's your family from? Oh no, that's wet, wet, wet. No, that's actually quite close as well. Took you home. Make you sad.

I hope we get the end of it. Die of AIDS. Alexander Hamilton. He died of AIDS. Alexander Hamilton. He died of AIDS. He actually died because his friend shot him. Of AIDS? No. Like Suge Knight?

No, it was a duel. And Alexander Hamilton, for the first time in his life, threw away his shot, which is a recurring motif in the play. Like Suge Knight? And at the end, he throws away his shot, but Aaron Baird doesn't. For the first time in the play. Like Shug Knight? And at the end, he throws away his shot, but Aaron Bear doesn't. For the first time in the whole play,

Aaron Bear takes his shot and that's a really nice sort of tie-up. Motif. Spoilers. Do you know what a motif is? Oh, but I love you saying it. Motif? Yeah.

No money motif. Paul Smith. Motif. No money motif. Paul Smith. Clip that. The more money we come across, the more motif we get. I'm going to Turkey. Get on me Oh

Fuck a duck I need a holiday I'm ready for a holiday Where are you going Andy? Well we were meant to go to We've been There's been all sorts of shit happening What happened to Krakow?

I said that to the day And you went no I know You literally went no Well I can't go to Portsmouth What happened to Krakow Apart from the fact that i vetoed it no we're going why aren't we going anymore i know i've got a week off at the start of march oh we haven't i have i was in like the first four days when does your tour sort of start 17th of feb in nottingham i don't know

oh that's when it starts so buy your tickets now it's about to start it's going to be phenomenal when does it end when are we Saturday the 25th of June

right and then my tour starts at the start of September so we've got like a little summery window here guys I'm away for the summer what well Andrew Schultz

last year moved to Miami for the two months, didn't he? And he just built a new studio in Miami and recorded from there. So should we do that, but with like Miami? Yeah. Benidorm. Okay, good.

I thought you were going British. Let's just go fucking Great Yarmouth for the summer. Same as Miami, innit? Okay. But did he escape? He escaped COVID for the summer basically because new york restrictions right restrictions miami had higher rates than anywhere else florida give a do they florida are the the liverpool of america yeah there's there's well there was and you do you

but isn't it it's like the retirement state isn't it so there's a lot of like... But it's also full of young pussy. It's also... Party pussy. Even though I sound beautiful, just drop your mic a little bit. Just a little bit. There we go. My time's a little bit better now. Can we just do a sound check on...

Say it again. Just a pu-pu-pu-pussy. Is there any way you can... Pound her in the pussy. No. Is there any way you can soften up the pus? Pussy. Yeah, you just soak it for me.

No, pussy. Full of young pussy. Pussy. No. Is there any way you can soften up the puss? Pussy. Yeah, you just soak it for me. Pussy. Full of young pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Gally Boosie. Words. Full of young pussy.

This is a weird corner. Pussy. Get your Gally Boosie out. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go for the summer? I mean, I'm not... I'm away for August, so it can't be August. What are you talking about? Are you going away for August?

Carl, you've been a fucking rock for this company since you came on. I know. And now you've all fucking... I've never missed an episode. Who are you, Jeff Hollidays? I've never missed an episode. That was definitely an infomercial in the 90s.

I'm Jeff Holidays. Who wants to go on holiday? We're doing three for two on all holidays. Three for two? You buy two holidays, you get three? I just wanted one. Why can't you just give us a 30% discount? No, it's not how it works.

I don't buy holidays from anyone apart from Mr. Holidays. It's in the name. Hiya, I'm Jeff Holidays. Do you love going abroad? Do you like foreigners, to a point? Do you like being surrounded by other British people, near British stuff, and be able to get a roast dinner? But it's all dinner.

Welcome to Benidorm. I'm Jeff Holidays. I'll do three for two on holidays all year round. Three for two. And I'll take off a bit of money for cash. Come on. Paying cash. Oh, my God.

0800 HOLIDAY HOLIDAY. That's 0800 HOLIDAY HOLIDAY. Call now. That's a long number, that. 0800. At least it's free. Holiday, holiday. Hello. that is definitely

a call centre India hello my name is Jeff Halliday is it love it you don't sound like the advert yes my name is Jeff welcome to

Jeff Halliday's is this you Jeff no this is definitely this is me Jeff Jeffery my name is Jeffery my name is Jeffery Hall name is Geoffrey Holidays. Giving very good discount.

Three for two. Can do one benedome, two grey yarmouth. Cheapest one free. Cheapest one free. Did you ever book a teletext at holiday? Was that your era uh it was a thing wasn't it i think my memory of that has been affected by peter k's material yeah you know like peter k top of the tower had the teletext stuff yeah yeah it's what's is it a confabulated memory when you're like yeah

that was yeah i don't think i ever did and i don't think we ever did but i remember it being part of my life some weird one that we used texas used to be great for the 40s c facts and stuff yeah c facts for the 40 scores for your page for your team and it scored oh what was the quiz bif bedlam what was the fucking quiz that everyone did on tel Teletext or on Sky? Are you talking about the B.I. of game? No, no, no. I'm talking about Teletext. On Seabed.

Wow. B.I. of Bedlam, mate. Whoever that content is, we made Werdl. Sorry, you seem like a really nice guy, actually. You should make a phone version. B.I. of Bedlam. You can make games. B.I. of Bedlam.

I've seen the games on Netflix. Is there? Yeah. Netflix have just started games. See? And they're just like, basically, we never want you

to leave Netflix ever. So you can, if you've got it on your mobile, you can watch. And I, you know, when you clocked in, it was like,

this is free, it's part of your package. It almost didn't make sense in what I was looking at. It was like a golf game. It looks really good. So? So Netflix are doing games.

Just, just never leave the platform. We should do that no i never did a teletext holiday what uh what i do now is like ice have you heard of ice lolly and stuff like that yeah i just feel like the internet's so fucking good it doesn't work unless you put lolly ice that code that you're all right right right you booked them together thanks for commenting every time i say home bargains like it's home and bargains i'm not in any other part of the country but it used to be chill the fuck out i get it i understand you call as the walmart do you no i call as the asda because it says that's the wrong way

on the building he should have said that to you now as there has been bought by walmart it's now called as the walmart isn't it no i go in a shop that says home bargains yeah so i call it home bargains do you call it as the walmart because it's got walmart written on it what shite are you talking all the as there's as there and walmart in really small fuck off bro call him fucking but what does being now i can't call bullshit again what does being mean like it's at the stop, do you? Like you've been like, I'd love to do more bullshit, but Dan's got that bell. Do you know what

ASDA stands for? Assorted Dairies. And? ASDA. Assorted Dairies. Oh, does it? Yeah. Does it really?

Yeah. Well, I think so anyway. It's in my head. I thought it was a shop day, eh? That was quite quick. Eh? A shop there, eh?

Shop there, eh? Walmart? Could you turn the TV off? Because we're just going to get distracted by signs of Asda. Finn really going, I want to find out. Asda Walmart, oh yeah. But it is Omen bargain. It's not even got a H On the front of it

It's Omen Like Damon Omen Bargain Omens It's Omen Bargain Omens and bargains No it's just Omen Bargain You're going to get a bum layer

It'll be cheap It's one word Omen Bargain Omen Bargain Right cool I know things in Liverpool Are different What's your favourite shop Dan?

Oh Excellent question And I'm going to enjoy this what for just general food is it we don't like supermarkets you might like you might like to go to screw fix somewhere you go and you're happy like wall over in here look at looking at stuff oh that's a fucking good question uh uh i like the shop for me i've started enjoying Cheshire Oaks quite a lot

that's not a shop though is it that's a collection it's a load of shops that doesn't count as a shop I suppose yeah yeah yeah I'm talking like your Asda's

your Tesco's your Debenhams before they went under rest in peace your Asda your Tesco's Curry's for me oh it's got to be Curry's

Curry's what are you talking about walking around Curry's looking at all the tellies isn't it it's dying it's dead oh it's basically the internet live it doesn't make sense no but they've got Currys. What are you talking about? Walking around Currys looking at all the tellies and all that. It's dying. It's dead.

No. It's basically the internet live. It doesn't make sense. No, but they've got all the stuff. I love- No, they've not though. I went in for a printer and I was like, they've got the models out.

I was like, can I get that one? They're like, they look underneath, they're like, no. Yeah, that's fine. I don't like going in to buy stuff.

Currys needs to shut the fuck down. Yeah, but they've still got the stuff for you to look. I just like going in and looking and touching stuff. Yeah. And I hope they're in the fridge, isn't that? Oh. I'm doing that tomorrow and I can't wait. Yeah, it's going to be annoying me.

Like, can we get this fridge? And they're like, oh no, there isn't one under it. No. They're idiots. Curry's, PC World, die. I fucking hate it. I was like, why am I not just on Amazon? I literally, I was like, not good for an afternoon.

You're in there trying to buy a printer for the fucking studio. And I was like, are you dickheads? Like, I wanted to be like, I'm on Amazon in your shop and I will never come here again. Piss me off. Cha. Cha. Upset me.

Upset me. Nasty fucking computer suppliers. There's no other competitor. Remember Comet? Gone. Dixon's? Gone. Same place, but different name. It's how Curry's and PC competitor remember comet gone dixon's gone same place but it's our curries and pc world i think we're both struggling they were like let's join forces

oh i just i hate it i just want to turn it into a big soft play be fucking brilliant that'd be great the size of them buildings do you want to enjoy like looking at all the stuff during curries oh just on my phone do you know what the best thing is no but it's you can't hold it and be like what can't hold a printer no touch it oh god i don't want to buy a printer without smelling it you don't really understand what i'm saying the feel of it just like getting to like just be like like on a printer or like a toaster or something you walk past the kettle and go that kettle's sick no i've never got into it no but you do don't you and kettle's sick. No, I've never got into it. No, but you do, don't you?

Can I just say, although I've never got it from like appliances, I will give you this. Do love a walk around Halfords and just a bit of a, oh, that's a nice bike. Yeah. So I get that with tellies. I get it with kettles. Touching the screen and like seeing what happens if you press the telly and see the ripple come off your finger.

I bet they fucking love you, Curry's PC World. world the guy is literally gonna lose his job in six months because the whole thing's dying and then adam rowe's like fuck on tv that well the thing is get the window late the curry is in entry all of them listen to this all the staff because they've told me when i've been in when i've been in just stroking stuff oh i'm not they leave me alone oh i'm not slagging off the curry's pc world world in ain't tree their sound just every other one get a new job because your job's about to go i'm i'm telling you now if you work there don't be the last fucking rat on the boat because that shit's sinking i try and play little games i'll go and look at all the washing machines and try and figure out what is the pound for pound the best

value washing machine. So there'll be like one for like 80 quid but there'll be one for like two and a half grand and obviously the two and a half grand one is not necessarily where is not necessarily pound for pound

better than an 800 pound one. What? Two and a half grand washing machine? Yeah. No. Yeah. Does it suck your dick? What?

Cling to your clothes. Right. Oh yeah. That's stupid what I said. That's a very expensive washing machine. Does it suck your dick? Clinch your clogs. Right. Oh, yeah. It's stupid what I said. That's a very expensive washing machine. This is a washing machine with a compartment with a lady like, hello, what are you doing today?

Just washing clothes on a blowjob. Get in there. Two and a half with energy costs. Yeah. Accidentally pour a little noah in. One hole. Yeah. That's a name so I try and figure out

what pound for pound would be the best washing machines like if you were a billionaire what is the best value you can get for your money because you can afford to do a half gram one

but is it worth it are you going to have to replace that more often than you would have to replace three 800 pound ones I'd love to come to Curry's

and you'd be like right pound for pound what's the best washing machine pound for pound what's got the best grappling game who's got ground and pound

who's the striker doesn't make sense I know what you mean but like can't be paid how much are you paying for your washing machine you've just bought a house

we have I've got a second hand washing machine it got bought for us who dropped it my mum gave us one oh it's a grown up president and she gave us a sick hoovered as well I've got a second-hand washing machine. It got bought for us. Who dropped it? Mum gave us one. Oh, it's a grown-up present. And she gave us a sick hoover as well.

Right. Yeah. It's so boring being an adult, isn't it? What did you get for Christmas? Knives, a washing machine, and a sick hoover. It is a sick hoover. Do you know what the best thing to do is? In, like, homeware stores,

going into the maid kitchens. You know what I mean? Like, you'd open the doors, and, like, some of them are slow and... Wow, I can put this kitchen in my kitchen. Yeah. Go into the kitchens and just look. Like, they've all got mad drawers that, like, fucking go all mad. Going to Ikea with him's fun.

Ikea's great. In fact... The kitchens. I am really looking forward to that. If, you know, we've been talking about maybe, you know, a new venue, a new home. That is going to be a really fun day. Rowie Bags and me and you going around Ikea with the company credit card. You know, in Wolf of Wall Street, when Jordan Belfort's dad comes in and goes,

fucking 430 grand, Jordan, on a fucking meal. And he's like, oh, you had the starters? You had the fucking starters. It's him, he had the starters. That's going to be like me and him walking around Ikea. Our new business manager's like, I don't understand how you can spend two grand on lamps. Fucking good lamps, though.

Lamps are expensive. I know that now. Rugs. Right. Why are rugs so expensive you stand on them not in Ikea though are they

everywhere no you can get a decent rug for quite in a Ikea you need to feel them as well yeah you need to hold I like to rub my face on a rug

oh you honestly like Stevie Wonder he's known for that that's what he's doing it helps him sing his songs he tries to remember the time he rubbed his face on a rug and that's why he's known for that that's what he's doing it helps him sing his songs he tries to remember the time he rubbed his face

on a rug and that's when he's like isn't this lovely doesn't it feel dead nice isn't it made from wool would have been a better line can we go to Ikea

there's a shop I do enjoy I'll give you that we've been and it was fun we were skateboarding I don't like spending my own money that's not good Curry's is great

I also like a range yeah the range there is a range yeah I like going and looking at like toys I'm a big kid at heart

yeah the stationery oh I know it's almost like comedian hack but looking at the notebooks and the pens don't buy them

and write. But I look at them. Steal them. You love a range. Yeah. Paint. Spray paint. When we were doing this,

the range was useful, wasn't it, when we were decorating this place? Yeah. Yeah, I do like a range. But food-wise, I think Sainsbury's is my boy. I think I just,

I like the quality of it. Bit sorry, innit? What? Bit sorry. Yeah, so Sainsbury's in Elles I think I just I like the quality of it Bit Tory innit What? Bit Tory Yeah So Sainsbury's Is in Ellesmere Port So no It's the Ellesmere Port

Sainsbury's It cannot be Tory Liverpool Like they're like the They're like Sort of They are the Tories Of Liverpool

And you've got Tesco and Asda And it's like They're Lib Dem and Labour And if you're trying to rebel From the Asda We'll let you have Tesco Sainsbury's is sort of nah what's aldi like the communist party aldi's a green party all right morrison's is uh is there an old person party yeah yeah yeah you can tell a lot about person by where they shop i'm an asda man me what's walmart

the illuminati walmart is waitrose waitrose is walmart is sort of perfect for the labor party You can tell a lot about the person by the shop. I'm an Asda man, me. What's Walmart, the Illuminati? Walmart is... Waitrose, Waitrose is the Illuminati. Well, Walmart is sort of perfect for the Labour Party, isn't it? Because you feel like you're doing the right thing, but you know at the end of the day, you're funding hate. This analogy is mad as fuck. But it works, though, doesn't it? It won't, though, innit?

Not really. Like, inch perfectly. Oman Bargains, the Socialist Party, surely. Oman Bargains Abstaining from the votes I think Yeah just drawing your dick On it or something Yeah

B&M's sick as well You ever done that? Ever spoilt your ballet? When voting? Yeah No When else would it be? Go on

When he's practising The practice vote I've thought about this For the next election Because like Why? when he's practising. The practice vote. I've thought about this for the next election. Why? Oh, stop with this shit. Stop with this shit. I can't hear you.

Fucking slag off the Labour Party. I'm not going to. I don't. Listen. We need to beat these Tories. I'm going to vote. I'm not arsed. I'm not arsed. I'm going to vote for them.

Don't spoil the ballot. At one point I wasn't And I was genuinely Going to shove it up my arse That's not spoiling the ballot It'll be fucking spoiled mate It definitely is Spoiling the ballot isn't it

What And then put it back Just put it in the Vote for them Right That's my name Have you ever voted Yeah

You go into Behind the curtain Or sometimes Not even that Just into a little square Yeah he's going to Stick the ballot up his bum And then put it back a little square. Yeah, he's going to stick the ballot up his bum

and then put it back in the ballot box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the plan. And how does that? Some poor pensioner

that's volunteered at the fucking like voting stuff. Oh dear, what's this? Barbara, it's happened again. That won't be the only

surprise shite you've seen that day though, will it? All people pee themselves in the lot. Okay. But what would he write what would he write down

because he has to register spoiled ballots don't he what do you say just put patreon.com slash have a where pod everyone do that if you're voting in the next election

shaking his head no don't agree with this absolutely no silly idea it's silly what's the Welsh party Plaid Cymru I think we should run

the next election how much does it cost like two grand or something It's silly. What's the Welsh party? Plaid Cymru. I think we should run. The next election. How much does it cost? Like two grand or something? We should run for Prime Minister. Run for Prime Minister. Doesn't even make sense. Run for the party.

What do you mean run for Prime Minister? We'll run to control the country as a party. We should run. I'll be the leader of the party. We should set the party up. We've got 9000 patrons how much 9000 people on the street

Jack and Labour have even got that I think it's like two grand to register you know right I'd rather waste it on rugs

but go on Christmas number one didn't quite go to plan no it didn't so I think we could you know we could do this so you're gonna use

that weird defeat and go you know what we did there? We went for Christmas number one. Yeah, but Elton John's not running for Prime Minister, is he? No. No, he's not. So you have to be nominated by 10 selectors from the constituency

and it's a £500 deposit. I reckon we can get 10 people from West Derby to give me a little thumbs up. Yeah. Yeah. No, we'll run in Westminster. Is West... Oh, that would be more satisfying. Is West Derby Labour?

The second safest Labour seat in the country. Great. What's the constituency called? Is it called West Derby? Yeah. All right, great. Yes. What's the Tory Scousers?

Southport. Crosby. Southport, Crosby. I think it's just Southport. No, it's not. You've got a Tory MPousers. Is it like Crosby? Southport, Crosby. I think it's just Southport. No, it's not. You've got a Tory MP in Liverpool. North Liverpool. There was a...

Googler? Yeah. I find it fascinating that people in Liverpool vote Tory, which is essentially self-harm. You've got to remember, though, when it comes to elections now, there's so much information fire people are constantly

and algorithms make it easier to get the right and vote for the right people and also a lot of old people vote Tory as well is it Sefton

it might be like Walton where do you want to run I like the guy who runs West Derby actually that Ian fella so Ian Byrne so not Ian.

Not it, yeah. Find out where's Jacob Rees. I'm looking at that cunt. Where's Jacob Rees-Mogg? Where's his constituency? That fucking, the Sefton cunt. The Tory in Liverpool? We'll beat him.

We actually would as well. We'd smoke him. Imagine if he won a seat in Parliament like Ali G. Yeah. Walk in and fucking merch, wouldn't I? It'd be fucking great watching me, though. Like Ali G did in his film. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, cool. It'd be great watching me, though, at the Dispatch in his film. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, cool. It'd be great watching me, though, at the dispatch box against fucking Bojo, wouldn't it? Dispatch? Because I've just got no filter. Do you know what I mean? I was like, listen, lad.

Everyone knows you're chatting shite. Your own fucking mates are talking about how much you're chatting shite. Look at them. They don't even fucking like it anymore. The roast of Boris Johnson. Yeah. I actually reckon, mate,

me and you, just have a straightener. Whoever wins gets to be the Prime Minister he'd smash your head in Boris Johnson would smash my head in yeah I'd absolutely kick

the living shit out of him he'd struggle to stand up he'd have something off his sleeve literally like a big poison dart I don't think I will I don't think I'm bringing

my axe if things get hairy his hair's coming off I'd barter Boris Johnson. If there's 10 people who want to, you know, give us the nudge,

don't watch this section. Yeah. Where's Jacob Rees-Mogg, the MP for? The Liverpool fan. Where? Oh, fucking country bumpkin Tories.

Liverpool fan as well. I don't know they're going to go for you. I'd love to DC that cunt. Do you know what? Genuinely, if I seen him in the street, I don't know they're going to go for you. I'd love to DC that cunt. Do you know what? Genuinely, if I seen him in the street, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself shouting at him and trying to get at him. Well, someone got arrested

for that, didn't he, last week? Or charged last week? I'd love him to turn up at Anfield, you know, because he's a Liverpool fan. His family are Liverpool fans, Jacob Rees-Mogg. I'd love him to try and stand on the cop. I'd love him to just turn up to like Liverpool, Southampton three o'clock kick off

just try and stand like just above the crossbar in the middle of the cop yeah I think anything about Jacob Rees-Mogg gives off sort of like he's just buying a ticket

off like Rob Thomas' brother I really think he's he's hospitality yeah he's hospitality through and through he's like even there

I think he'd get his head punched in yeah yeah because Adam sits in hospitality yeah he's hospitality through and through he's like even there I think he'd get his head punched in yeah yeah because Adam sits in hospitality yeah occasionally

he must have been to a Liverpool game I don't think he will he's an incredibly wealthy fucking he might have sat in like the director's box

and no news there but he couldn't sit in the ground could he he couldn't go now now that everyone knows like if people were like there's Jacob Rees-Marg he wouldn't get out the stadium without like people if people were like there's Jacob Rees-Marg he wouldn't get

out of the stadium without like people being very angry at least it would be in news I'm not saying he'd get beat up it'd be a news thing wouldn't it

I don't know I don't know who's in those directors boxes there's a way in and there's a way out they're in the main stand and people in the main stand would be like

that's that cunt yeah Kenny Darglish wouldn't take that mate he's the worst of them isn't he yeah the representation

of every like that top down Tory aristocratic like Kenny of course we rule over you we're better than you

oh my god I hate him have you ever seen a video when he's a kid I've seen a video when he's a kid yeah fuck me

there's nothing more naturally suspicious than a teenager who's like, I'd like to be a Conservative MP. Lad, we'll show you the video on the break. Super cunt, and he's like 13. It's mad. Have you seen that video of Boris Johnson that's leaked?

And no one's really done anything about it in the media. It's from about 10 years ago. And he goes, I've got a new policy, you see. So what you do, and he's literally talking to, is it Paxman he's talking to? No, but it's from about 10 years ago and he goes i've got a new policy you see so what you do and he's literally talking is it paxman he's talking to no but it's someone someone like that yeah he goes what you do you just make so many gaffes that people don't know which one to concentrate on and the media don't know which one to concentrate on and you just pepper them you just pepper them and everyone and you just idly walk by as they're all trying to figure out

which which one's concentrated on and you just you blindside the media that way that's my new strategy that's how i'm going to win ah it works so really proud of yourself if you voted for the tory party at the last election thanks very much die um oh well that's enough politics in it yeah but good luck to you see you in sainsbury's no but, but we can run. I like it. Be funny as fuck. First policy. It's the ASDA, not just ASDA.

It's Omen Bargain again. Oh, that's what you're leading with. Your mandate is to change the name of Omen Bargain for everywhere. That's what we're calling it. It's fucking ridiculous that people are calling it

Home Bargains, including the people at Home Bargains. It's Omen and Bargains. It's ohm, ohmen and bargains. It's aiming homes. What? Dan, what policy are you trying to push? Because you're our health secretary.

Health secretary? Your shadow health secretary. Oh, it would be such a problem. I'm so pro-NHS that I'd put the country in such a lot of debt. Because I love the, I think it's so important. And the Tories are like, I'd put the country in such a lot of debt because I love the, I think it's so important and the Tories are like, I'd go the other way because they're literally trying to suffocate aren't they? I'd just put more money

into the NHS. That's your policy? They'd be giving out healthcare, they'd be like I'll pay for that by taxing top level red wine because that's what all the Tory cunts drink Good. So bottles of red wine, they're like 200 quid, they're four grand now. Nice.

To fund treatments for alcoholism. Oh, there'd be no waiting lists on the NHS. There'd be doctors turning up at your house like, do you need anything done? Yeah. Because we haven't got anything to do. I'm voting for that. Yeah.

Finn is the foreign secretary, because he's Turkish. Yeah. What have you gone for, Finn? Is that how it works? You have to be a foreigner Do you know what I've just realised This second

Like just this second You two are both As foreign as each other Yeah That's mad isn't it? It is So you can both be Foreign secretary

Join I love Adam's question Carl's nationality You're not even British Look at you You're not even British. I'd put a hard border between England and Wales. Is it? Yeah.

Do you know why that's a problem for me? Because Wales starts at the bottom of my village and the Texaco garage is on Sealand Road. That thing, I'm telling you right now, it really pissed me off that.

It means I have to go to Shell. You're already fighting here. In party fighting already. You're a fucking disgrace foreign secretary new policy 40 tickets a cap to 20 quid for premier league games everyone can afford them and you must offer at least

three quarters of the tickets to people who live within 25 miles of the stadium like it yeah okay good just nice local like what about foreign players playing for the club sounds all right so yeah yeah yeah all right just wanted to be everyone that i went to school

with in the main stand oral sex wednesdays oh okay for men and women just like it's not enforced it's just encouraged to suck dick any pussy on Wednesday. What? Right. Orange Wednesdays. Yeah, pussy Wednesdays. Pussy on dick Wednesdays. Or get a good washing machine.

Yeah, and if you suck your partner's dick or eat them out, get two for one cinema tickets. Two for four. Get three for two holidays. Bring Jeff holidays back. He's the immigration. Immigration. I want them all out. I'm not the immigration secretary i'm the migration secretary get to spain you can't what are the sectors arts and comedy is now above

all uh legal lockdowns so even when there's a another global pandemic it's it's illegal to shut down comedy clubs right I wonder where that came from in terms of because I'm a comedian I don't want to go back yeah yeah

I think Alan Cochran will be voting for you and also he seems pretty keen I feel like you can argue comedy is key worker because people need to laugh

yeah when it's an airborne virus though and people you know are spreading it by laughing you could argue

maybe there's a just books your comedians cool alright cool you've got to keep airborne virus though and people you know are spreading it by laughing you could argue maybe there's a Spock shit comedians cool alright cool you gotta keep the club open alright cool no laughing

the temptation to start saying names there was brutal any more sectors though what what are the sectors of the

business it'd be great to make Amazon and Starbucks actually pay fucking... Do you know what I mean? We want a trillion off both of them by Wednesday. Yeah.

Otherwise, we're pumping a lot of money into Curry's and PC World. All we're going to do there is stock them up. Yeah. Oh, my God, we do have printers. They're underneath the printers. One of the things that we can say, they're a bit Tory.

Yeah. I think on the street, there's a certain... There's like 10,000 people nominated and they can street tax people for that are a bit Tory. Yeah. I think on the street, there's a certain, there's like 10,000 people nominated and they can street tax people for doing something a bit Tory. So like people wearing white socks with trainees and jeans.

Oh. Like, you can go up to them and be like, they're Tory, that lad, that's 40 quid. 50 quid on the spot fine. And that just goes into.

You've got the gimp police. Yeah. You look like a bad gimp there. Yeah, come on. Anyone who goes into. On the spot fines. Into Pret, it's 50 quid to getimp police. Yeah. You look like a bad gimp there. Yeah, come on. Anyone who goes into... On the spot finds. Into Pret, it's 50 quid to get into Pret.

Yeah. That's the Tory tax. What? To get into Pret a moment. That's all I thought. Pret a moment, what are you talking about? It's the Tory of all the coffee shops. No, it isn't.

No, it's not. It's fucking absolutely fine for a bit of a pastry. What's the Tory cost? They're like the morally right ones as well. They're like really left wing, actually. Oh, we got it wrong there. 50 quid for Pret-a-Manger. It just sounds like...

As if anyone's going to be like, do you know what? I have to pay it because Pret's so good. And also, you know, the big corporations like Starbucks and Amazon and that, that are avoiding the tax all the time. They have to pay tax daily. So we have a look at how much people have bought in the UK

and we just take a 40% off it. And it's just like, that's ours now. Daily. I want them to pay can't lose track on it right the business i think that's why people you're gonna make amazon and starbucks pay cash in hand at the end of the day like they're working on the building side listen you fucking come on let's have it out yeah yeah because i think that's how they're getting away with it in cash our government are losing track of who owes them what right i want to be

the drug dealer who's got that they've given too many people tick. That's what it is. Whereas if they make them pay for it on the day. Yeah. I'll be Chancellor then. This feels like a good job. A lot of cash coming in. Chancellor and Health Secretary.

I want to be Minister with two portfolios. Do you want the big red bag thing? I'd like the big red bag. To be honest with you guys. I'd like the Amazon money in cash every night. That'd be great. I also think that some of us might have to double up on jobs here because it might just be us five initially.

Okay. What's Steve doing? Steve, what do you want to be? Edding. Steve's the editor. I can edit the episode. No, Steve can be the... Who's the fella in the...

Hey! The fella with that? The speaker of the house. He's not part of the party, though, is he? That's an independent. He's the umpire, isn't he? We run the world. Sir Lindsay Hoyle. the party though, is he? That's an independent. He's the umpire, isn't he? Run the world. Sir Lindsay Hoyle.

Is that his name? Yeah, I think. It's great. I really love it. He's dead northern. I'm in his suit, sit down. I don't know how he got that fucking gig, but he's the most northern man ever

and he's the Speaker of the House of Commons. I just wish he was more honest. Who? Him, Sir Lindsay Hoyle. He's fucking... What are you talking about? He's absolutely great. No? Him, Sir Lindsay Hoyle. He's fucking... What are you talking about? He's absolutely great. No, I know he's good,

but I think what is missing from the House of Commons, right, for me, is swearing. Right. I think anyone who doesn't swear when you know they absolutely do in their private life is just lying in a way. They're presenting a false persona. And I think it'd be so much better if he was like,

Boris, sit the fuck down. You're doing my fucking head in, mate. He's trying to talk. He does actually have this accent. He's trying to talk to you, and you're not even fucking, you're not even answering the questions. You've been a right fucking cunt all day.

Shut up, listen, and answer the fucking question directly. Stop fucking dancing around it, you fucking scarecrow-headed twat. Something very satisfying about a northern man bollocking Boris. That's what it should be, though. Do you remember when Dennis Skinner

got thrown out for calling David Cameron Dodgy Dave? Yeah. I call him Dodgy Dave. And he went, you're going to have to take that back. He went, I'm not taking it back.

He's Dodgy Dave. And he got thrown out of the fucking Commons. Adam thinks he can call someone a scarecrow-headed twat. Yeah, well, things are changing. I think we're going to be... What's the party called? That would be so much better

if they made the Houses of Parliament more honest like that. You wouldn't have to do it like Tuesday afternoons. You could make that prime time Saturday night telly. A lock-in? I think we'd stay in for it. Right, so we need to also... There's a second house, isn't there?

The Lords. The Lords. So who are the esteemed people? Oh, I'm a Lord now. No, you're not. You're in the Commons. No, but I'm a Lord house isn't there the lords the lords so who are the esteemed people i'm a lord more expect no you're not you're in the commons no but i'm a lord and i think got me a lordship for christmas all right well you're i don't think you can't you can't be a lord in the commons new new law i'm the he's basically so far away from being a totalitarian like leader new law we're gonna have people going around saying you look like a bad gimp. And we'll call them the SS. You know.

Super Scousers. The Super Scousers. Harry Robinson. No, no, no. They're the Lords. No, they're older. They're always older Lords. Who are the esteemed, like who are the more mature people?

Kenny Dalgleish will make him a Lord. Kenny fuck. Rafa Benitez is quite now. Kenny fuck as well. Duncan Ferguson. Lord Benitez. No. Who do you want then, Cal?

From Everton. Wherever you want. David Dickinson. David Dickinson. David Dickinson. He can do the antiques. Yeah. Yeah.

They don't need to do anything. They're just Lords. Do you know all the chairs they've got? Yeah, box them for the good price. That'd be amazing. Lord Dickinson. These are lovely.

How much do I take them off your hands? You can't. It's the House of Lords. There's 220. I can go higher. 240. Another 20. The new legislation for the NHS.

I can go to 3.4 billion a year. 3.5. Cash. Cash. I'll go to 3.4 billion a year. 3.5. Cash. Cash. I'll give it in. Straight from Amazon. ER Dave, do a deal. There was 0.1 of a billion pound note there.

Did you notice that? 3.4. 3.5. Zimbabwe like inflation. When you're, when us lot are in charge, when I'm in charge, there'll be like 0.1 of a billion.

What is 0.1 of a billion? 100 million. Is it 100 million? million no it's not also it's a thousand is a thousand million a billion yeah

it's different in America and the UK I think America's a million million and the UK's a thousand million yeah here's another one

if you can prove you're truly skint and it's not your fault you've just fallen on hard times you can turn up to any supermarket and you get a 10 minute supermarket sweep oh my god it's like you're truly skint like go on 10 go and they get to just run around like what how do you prove you to just turn up in

like fucking lonsdale's we'll figure that out if you turn up in lonsdale's you're like oh my god you can have 15 go yeah that'd. That'd be amazing. Yeah. Supermarket sweep. Yeah, like the old people had Tuesday mornings, didn't they, in the lockdowns. They had an hour

where they were meant to be shopping on their own. They're going to Tesco by us now. Nine till 10. You can't buy anything. The tills aren't open. So I went in to buy a memory card and it was like half nine.

She went, oh yeah, you can't buy that till 10. I was like, well, you're open. She went, yeah,

it's just for- On what day? Sunday? No, it was in the week. She went, yeah browsing carl what is happening to you in a customer service setting you've been refused entry at a restaurant they basically went yeah you can't complain and now let's go by us let's go daisy it's open 10 till 10 though they just open at nine to let people yeah it's to let old people go in and pick what they want take the time and then they buy it at 10 But you're acting like that's not a good policy. No, I'm not saying it's not good. You seem pissed off by it.

Because I was. It was half an hour. I don't want to sit in my car and wait for them to fucking turn the tail on. Just let me buy it. Change the rules when we're in charge.

Fuck old people. Get here at 8. See you at the next election. See you at the next election. I mean, that's not going to happen because I do the admin for everything and I can't be arsed. It is.

We get round to it. Will you sign us up as an official political party, please? And will you do the graphic for us as well? Is it going on Patreon? Right. Let's have a break. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to let you know about our lead sponsor, Manscaped.com, the best in below-the-belt men's grooming.

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The boxes are amazing. I actually personally love the ball deodorant and the toner as well. And they've smelled better ever since you started using it. My balls smell fucking lovely, mate. Well, no, the guests comment. Look, treat your missus to getting you one of these shavers.

Your dick will look better. Your dick will look bigger. And honestly, she's going to want to touch it more because no one wants to touch a messy little pubic region. You've got like leftover cum in it. Oh God. God, no. Really?

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It is actually the best thing I own. It is. 100%. Are you ready to pod? Yes, I am. Oh! Why did you answer your own question? That's my line. Don't sing that.

Ginger Gobshade songs as well. Elton John. Why do songs as well Elton John why do we take against Elton John so much when Lad Baby was definitely the problem he didn't see him the problem did he

he definitely was I'll help him that's what they both said it also turned out that a mixtape dropped by a band from the 80s was a problem for us

because they finished 97th yeah fuck them as well don't sing their songs don't sing any hundred poppy i've gone back to not hating elton john by the way i've never hated them it's just funny you're welcome on the couch anytime oh i don't think that'd be good just don't think you're having a great saturday morning elton and if you are want to come on the couch you're welcome don't come on the couch though see you you mean see you mean

jizz that's not what you meant spunk car i've got to be honest with you if elton john got in touch and was like look i'll i'll i'll be a guest on the pod but i want to be able to come on the couch literally jizz on it we would let him do that yeah of course he would who what's the level of celebrity where you're not allowed to jizz on the couch? Rob Thomas. Oh, mate. Rob Thomas isn't allowed to sit on the couch again. Unless his brother's got a ticket to the games,

you know what I mean? We've actually been asked a couple of times recently to get Rob back on, so we will get Rob back on. Weak. Who can jizz on the couch and who can't you've got to be a certain level of celebrity 100,000 followers really? 100,000 followers and as long as they do a

feed post for us on Instagram no you need it 100,000 followers you're going to have to wipe it down yourself can Oddjob do it? is he still alive? who's Oddjob in there

no next to Kevin you yeah could he jizz on the couch I don't even really know who he is he's a Bond villain is he really Carl has been in the weirdest mood all year

I'm sweating off could Oddjob do it Kevin Webster could Mother Teresa could spaff all over the gaff she's dead he's like Kevin Webster mother Teresa could spaff all over the gaff she's dead he's like Kevin Webster he's just a man

isn't he he's just like Michael Lavelle he's not famous but if he was like hey oh come on I'm coming on the sofa

with me cock not coming on the sofa coming on the sofa do you want to do some questions yeah we've got one from Rob in Deeside

North Wales hi Liz just been to see Rob Becker in York last night and can confirm Adam was bang on with saying

they're all entitled to arts pissed up Nan shouting people just rudely having conversations and taking photos with Flash

during the show the fucking worst was one cunt who had to laugh five seconds after everyone else and sounded like elmo getting fingered just waiting for rob beckett to say something to her sorry for the rant but uh someone needs to have a word we've been to see hundreds of tour shows around the northwest but this was the first time coming to york to see a tour show

and my missus said straight away adam was right about york york is a shit hole it's not where it's really pretty shit hole yeah where humor goes to die i'll say this as many times you want me to say and everyone who keeps dming me going oh i know you've added a third leeds days on your tour could you please just do one in y No. Leeds is further for me than it is for you. Come to Leeds. Come to Sheffield. Have a night out in Newcastle. Come and see me up there. Or come and see me take me special in Liverpool. Get on the fucking train and you

come and see me. I'm not coming to your fester and bumhole of a city. It's one of the worst places in the world. It looks really nice and then you've filled it with this weird combination of really posh old people and the most violently aggressive young people and it's this weird melting pot of rude cunts on both ends there's young people full of cocaine and alcohol who want

to punch your head in and there's old people who are like oh my god a scouser how did he infiltrate our city walls you're all cunts leave the city and then I'll have respect for you. But I'm not coming to see you. I'm certainly not doing a show there. It is a waste of my time, your time. It'll make me feel sad and it'll make you feel like you've wasted your money because it'll make the show seem shit

and the show's fucking fire. My show's not the problem. It's the people you are surrounded by where you live. There's something wrong with the place. There's something going on. Fuck York and everyone in it until you leave it's good for fudge though just on the plus side belt of fudge really good fudge tell you what about your yorkshire tories they know their fudge um so that's a no on york

just to clear it up yeah can't find a venue at the minute alright cool 2023 yeah I mean that's a 2022 tour but if I do a tour days in York on like the next tour

if I'm so because my next tour is going to have a promoter brand if they're like look we've done the numbers you've got to go the Barbican or something

right I'm going to film that date as well as the days I filmed for the special and you can watch the difference, and you'll see it in my face and the audience's reaction.

I think we should all have an away day. All the patrons should have an away day in York and just make it weirdly good. And I'm like, yeah, here we are. And everyone's like, hey, Adam. He's like, eh. Like, off-put by the fact it's enjoyable. I think sometimes with people like Beckett,

who is a mate of ours and a great comedian he's famous with people that don't know stand up like he's telly famous isn't he so the wrong type of bell and goes

I like my Beckett let's go and ruin the show whereas if you watch Have A Word you know stand up I get the sense we did the new material last night

yeah but we've got a couple of bell ends in our ranks as well there's loads of bell ends everywhere isn't it but it was all sense. We did the new material last night. Yeah, but we've got a couple of bell-ends in our ranks as well. There's loads of bell-ends everywhere, isn't it? But it was all patrons last night at the new material night at Phase One, and they are the best audience. I fucking love it. I feel like Rob Beckett just doesn't have that. He has nannas, exactly nannas knowing him.

Like, oh, it's from that telly thing. I just don't think they know what they're watching. But he's also got that young working-class audience as well. He has got a bit of a melting pot, Rob. I've seen some of his shows. So it's a bit of everything. Yeah. I think he's quite happy with where he is and stuff. But yeah. That sounds awful though, doesn't it? That sounds rough. But that's not his

fan base. That's fucking York. There's so few famous people from York. There's loads of them, but I don't know. Because they all live in quiet, they live in quiet comfortable, wealthy misery. Judy Dench and not much else. It's like they're all really loads of them but I don't know because they all live in quiet they live in quiet comfortable wealthy misery Judy Dench

and then not much else it's like they're all really happy about being sad because they've got money to pay pay for their sadness Guy Mowbray though Guy Mowbray

is from York honestly and John Champion talking about tours high lids loving the work simple one what would your

take me out walk on song be big love keep doing what you're doing that's from Max I got bitches all on my dick every day

sucking on my balls licking on my balls bitches you know sticking in they booty hole my balls my balls suck on my balls If we were to do, I don't know, say a live show of Blind Date

I think that's what you should be walking out to Is that fair to say? Yeah Put that one in the Put that in the holster Oh yeah Yeah, that's gotta be Adams, hasn't it? Can that be your tour walkout?

Have you got a tour walkout song? It is normally God, it is it needs to be that i get to sort that so ladies and gents welcome to the barbican theater york for adam rose 2023 tour enjoy your fudge and enjoy the comedy i've got bitches all on my dick with every It's normally Place Your Hands By Reef It seems sad though It's just a song

It still exists What about the one you've been walking out The Havowood live shows Here Comes The Money I just love the ego of that The arrogance of it makes me laugh Here comes the money Here comes the money I just love the ego of that the arrogance of it makes me laugh here comes the money here comes the money

I think that used to be funny and now it looks like alright Adam you're doing well yeah that was funny when we had 400 patrons now it's a bit like alright no bad who's shopping at Sainsbury's what's your walk up going to be well I still love

what we've been using for the live shows let me clear my throat DJ Kool last night I used cocheese I can't say it I'm from Lancashire and I don't think I'm meant to be saying the word cocheese

no I was trying to be saying the word Cochise because it just sounds like John Legend no no I was trying to say Cochise but thanks for helping I'm just trying to figure out what you're saying

no I'm from Lancashire I've not had a stroke oh me um Audioslave oh you can do that and it's got it's an amazing

walk-on song but I think it's a bit too cool for a fucking tour show I really feel like with walk-on song but I think it's a bit too cool for a fucking tour show I really feel like with walk-on music you can

it's gotta be good music and it can't you can't overstep it and be like oh I'm dead cool I've tried to do hip-hop before

and everyone's like alright Dan you are a fat 40 year old remember yeah but then it almost becomes parody at that point

doesn't it right it's like obviously you're not really walking out to that I might try and make it 40 year old, remember. Yeah, but then it almost becomes parody at that point, doesn't it? Right. It's like, obviously, you're not really walking out to that. I might try and make it more ridiculous with each tour show. We might try and make that fun. I might come out to, like, Kelly Clarkson, Break Away. Oh, no.

Break away. I just won't tell you, and I'll pick up random ones. Oh, yeah. Would you, would you you would you let me if i let you you can choose the walkout music for my tour show if i can choose your walkout music for the tour show and i promise you i will have it because it's all fucking podcast people that are going to be watching it but every night would you make a change every night no no it's all fucking podcast people that are gonna be watching it. But would you make- Every night, there's a change every night. Are you gonna pick-

No, no, no, it's the same one every night. One song, would you make the deal now? I think that's great. It's such a good opener, isn't it? Cause I don't know what I want. Oh my God, we made the deal. That's a good joke, don't I like that? 220.

Ah, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. It's good, it's good. We're about to get into Pizza Hut. Thank you. Oh, that'd be so cring pizza. Pizza. It's good. Take it back. Thank you. Oh, that'd be so cringy. Yeah. You're not allowed to write your own piece of music. No, no, no. I said you're allowed to pick a song.

Horses, horses, horses, horses. That'd be us. No, because he'd go in the shoot. I know it. Talking about fucking money. He would be in the, what's he called? The motor museum. You should have put these things in.

You're allowed to pick what music I'm, you're not allowed to record a special. I'm a big fat nonce. I'm a big fat fucking nonce. I'm a nonce. I'm a nonce. I'm a big fat fucking nonce. And I have to walk onto that

with you recording that. Yeah, I know it's a no context, have a word. I get it. We've also got a plan now what me and finn are gonna film on and adam will just pick it off spotify right well it's got to be in a piece of music that already exists it will exist it will exist by the time your talk kicks off we're not making our own right okay cool finn let's get working speak to bob we're booking in on the the

you can use a real musician carl you're on lead guitar for us oh yes dan do you think you're gonna out-cunt adam in this game no i don't this is why he can't possibly can he because my tour kicks off next month so whatever he does next month will be retaliated to in the autumn yeah and we're not making music for the love of tits you can do whatever you want i'm picking a song for you okay and you're gonna walk out but we shook hands that i could choose your walk-on music there was no caveats when the handshake was made the philharmonic the philharmonic the biggest gig of your career so far slightly ruined by me being a fucking bellend yeah but it's funny isn't it it'll be funny it will be so it's good as long as it's not like suggestions to have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got any questions if you've got any have

a words you want us to have a word with anyone email me at have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got any have a words you want us to have a word with anyone email me at have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got any suggestions for adam's walk-on music for all of his 45 date tour 50 date tour there's a lot of times for adam to hate me it'll be really good should i record i don't care how you get here just get here if you can oh no the 9 11 dj sammy song the the oh no the david gwesa george floyd remix this is for george floyd so shout out to his family in it that's what he sounds like in the video have you not seen it i had to listen to his family in it where's he where's the forgettable that's what he sounds like in the video have you not seen it i had to listen to his voice properly i've seen it it's fucking amazing for all the wrong reasons you can't get it off oh so it's a hero all around us are familiar faces ladies and gents give it up for adam rowe

all around us are familiar that's amazing by the way guys if you give me a hip hop, I'll make it work. Well, yeah. Even if it's me doing the cover. Holes and tricks. This album is dedicated to all the people that told me I never meant nothing.

Adam's deaf. People that lived above the building and I was constantly trying to call the police and we were trying to make money and we'd be my daughter. I used to be Word Up magazine. And all the people in the struggle. Oh my God, I'm recording a parody of Mo Money Mo Problems with Mo Money Motif. From before.

Amazing. Tom on Bach and vocals. No. I'll cancel the tour You just shook me hand I'm not having Tom No pleasure On my own You are gonna wish

I chose that song Tom's doing Hit him up by two Tom's just listening DM me if you're up For being the lead singer On Dan's walk Oh course he's up

To our fuck your bitch He's up for cleaning the couch We love you after elton's been in with his mouth oh it's carl just just every time 2022 carl's year of the spanner what about our job that's a phenomenal deal that you're going to regret suggesting. Next question. No, but you're also going to make Dan go too far straight away as well. He can't possibly go further than I will. Because he knows if he does that I've got to go further.

And he's got to be careful. Because I will match what you do and make it slightly worse. Do you know what I mean? I will take it slightly further than you do. Have you seen the CBeebies show within called and mr tumble called something special no right i'm thinking that might be a really good walk on music hello and it signs for all the disabled kids hello hello how are you hello hello it's good to see you book a sign language person for the stage

oh yeah love it I've got options can we book in with Bob we're going to book in with Bob you've got loads of time my tour doesn't launch till the 3rd of September

if you like an arse piano solo in your Warham music 4th in Dublin see you in September I'm so I'm so happy that I'm starting the tour

in Belfast that would be a great time to first hear the intro music won't it first ever tour gig out of the UK

brilliant Belfast boats and hoes Belfast Belfast on a Saturday I mean you could get me murdered If you want No we won't do that

It's not Top Gear God save our Gracious Queen Long live our Noble Queen And I like the Russian government Off the crowd are up Yes

Oh we're in Holland It might have to be God save the Queen No I like the Russian government. Off the crowd are up. Yes! Or we're in Holland. It might have to be God Save the Queen. No. You shook me hand. And that's a song that already exists. We're not doing sectarian stuff. I just want everyone thinking of disabled kids. You're going to get me sectarian murdered.

I might have to do God Save the Queen. But we're going to record it though. Tom Twisselton. We'll get Tom in. We'll get Tom in. We'll get Tom in. We'll do it. Arse harps, arse pianos. And you'll rap.

With a rap face. That Tom does. I regret my choices. I forgot I started in Belfast. Well, one date tour. We don't want him dead. Thanks, mate. We don't want you dead.

Oh, cheers, lad. So fucking good. We've got someone who's got a bit of an issue, and I think we need to help solve it. Okay, is everyone pooped? Everyone's pooped. Let's have a fucking Red Bull in the break. I'm all right, the break I'm alright mate

I'm a bit yawny yeah same busy though aren't I that's what I meant a problem please keep my identity secret for obvious reasons so here it goes

so you know when you're giving your girlfriend a good seeing to and you don't want it to end so you start thinking of things what are a turn off to keep you going

well as much of a fan as I am of the podcast and of Carl himself, I believe he brings a good balance and level of contribution. Thanks, mate. But his voice is so off-putting, it sounds just like my geography teacher

who is a massive beaut. Okay. So once... Thanks, mate. So once I was well... This is totally... I've not made this up. So once I was welly in my bird

and was so close to coming, so I started to imagine Carl's voice and it worked a treat. It worked so well, it became my go-to coping mechanism for endurance and performance. Now here's the problem. I've now associated shagging my bird and Carl's voice to the point where every time he speaks, I start to get a little erection.

I've tried everything everything even changing the thing I think about but nothing works listening to have a word has become part of my day to day activity I really don't want this part of my life

to be over so please can you sack Carl for me nice one Carl you're going to have to start doing the Chinese accent

I've got some advice if he wants his bird to come start talking in my accent she loves it I see what he did there. I hope all the listeners and viewers at home do as well. He made out.

You know. Well, we can't sack him because he owns... You can't sack me. He owns 20% of the company. So there's a major... Oh, company. He's unsackable now. Oh, sackable.

I mean, this is making him more sackable. But he is a team player. He is a team player. Oh, team. So he's decided that he's going to... Are you going to change your voice from now on? This is from... Ravaram.

Oh, you... I just do it bad. You do Ravaram. Bad. We do bad Ravaram. Bad, right. Me no good at Yorkshire. No.

So there you go, lad. Hope that helps. He's back to horny now. Have you ever had to think of something to stop yourself coming Carl Carl's voice it works a trick

I genuinely thought of Gail Plath I used to do a bit on stage about her but true she's fit as hell lad Gail Plath what if that was your thing

what if you developed a thing for Gail Plath though every time you put Cardi on you come in your pants it's quite a thing isn't it you just turn it on and then you just come straight away you cum in your pants. It's quite a thing, isn't it? You just turn it on and then you just cum straight away. You've got to really have a thing for Gayle Platt.

If you see her and you're like, from floppy to, oh, God, Gayle! Well, the safest thing to do is to use a family member, isn't it? But then the problem is if it doesn't work and you cum quicker and you're like, oh, I've always had to bang my own nan. No. Don't think of family no think of old Tory ladies

but don't think of family but they've got power oh no I honestly don't think we've had an episode over the last four months the Theresa May kink

former Prime Minister what do you think of Dan to stop the jizz I think of what Adam stuff? The jizz? I think of what Adam's going to do to me in Belfast. That would really affect my performance. What do you want to do? I don't know.

I just try and think of really neutral stuff if I'm struggling, which is rarely... I think singing the national anthem would actually do it. Jack of potatoes. Oh yeah, thinking of that shitty anthem that we... Just stood there watching the kettle boil

i can't want to come i just go to a little place in my head when i'm making a cup of tea on a wednesday afternoon but you love touching appliances does it not turn you on a little bit we know i'm not touching it i'm just because you can't touch because it's literally boiling the ones in curry's aren't boiling constantly you're absolutely right getting in the loft what are you getting in the loft yeah that would work right. Getting in the loft. What? Are you getting in the loft? Yeah, that would work for me. Getting in the loft. Putting the deckies up.

Being on the phone to Virgin Media trying to cancel your package or change it. Pulling the bin up from the road. I can fuck a bitch all night long if I'm on the phone to Sky. I think they'd hang up. It's like we've forgotten That people are watching I can fuck up this all night long

I bet you can't That's exactly what we do We always forget People are watching I've seen you pass out Through laughing I bet you can't I'll just look at kettles

Let's make a list Of things Getting in a loft Ring and sky Do you really hate Getting make a list of things getting in a loft ringing sky do you really hate getting in a loft who likes getting in a fucking loft

it does my head every time I think could be monsters and trolls up here that's not why I don't I wonder if there's monsters and trolls

oh no there's not it's just a loft I do often think what if there's like a refugee who's been housing himself up there

quietly in your loft but I'm out a lot aren't I so he could have what if there's like a refugee who's been housing himself up there quietly in your loft but I'm out a lot aren't I so he could have to run in my house while I'm out oh yeah yeah yeah my house is always in disarray

anyway I would never notice if someone's like moved the house refugees are like that they they case out houses they're like I just gotta

I've got to wait till someone goes out and then I live in the loft of this rented house in West Derby. Yeah, she's right. It's possible. Anne Frank did it.

That's literally... She did. Anne Frank. It was in everyone's head. It was in everyone's head. But, like, yeah. So, like, whenever I'm getting in the loft, I'm like, there could be someone up here.

Like, imagine just... Like, they might not... They might have gone out. But you might see, like, a sleeping bag and some crisps. You might have just gone out. Like, empty crisp packets. You're home. I've already gone out

because I might have gone out before I came home right imagine you just found like a little sleeping bag and a like a candlestick and like a load of

empty packs of watsits and that and you're like I fucking knew I had net all them watsits always watsits with you literally on the Patreon episode

but do your crisps ever go down Somalian pirates were like yeah do your crisps ever go down faster than you know you ever go down faster than

You know you've had them Right It's a refugee in the loft I swear to god I bought a multi-pack And there's only six left Fucking refugees Sick of loft refugees I know you're out there

It's either rats, pigeons or fucking refugees Some weirdly EDL The problem is for me Like if he just let me know I'd be like Do you know what mate There's a spare room there Can I have it

Oh yeah Because you're dead sound like that I am Yeah If a loft refugee pokes his head out the ceiling Hello Adam Sorry about the chips I've been nicking No but like

If he knocked on my door I was like Listen lad I was going to live in your loft Without you knowing But you've got a spare room there Do you mind I'd be like

I can't Yeah that's definitely What you'd be like He thinks this refugee Looks like Lucy Pinder though If Lucy Pinder's Ever need In seeking refuge

Come to ours Oh that's so nice isn't it Because we don't do loads For charity but There's something we'll stand by there's ever need in seeking refuge. Come to ours. Oh, it's so nice, isn't it? Because we don't do loads for charity, but there's something we'll stand by.

If Lucy Pinder, if you just give two pounds a month to Lucy Pinder, she can have loads of what's-its in Adam's loft. They defo, look,

there's someone eating me crisp is all I'm saying. You. Imagine that was the first thing you went to. Why did it go weirdly political? Refugees. Okay, refugees. Why is it political?

Refugees exist and they need to find places to live. It could have been homeless. Could have been a homeless person. It's homeless people living in my loft. No, it's refugees. Calais, up the M6, up my fucking ladders. But a homeless person who's in my loft is a refugee aren't they because they're seeking

refuge in my loft yeah technically I didn't say asylum seeker I said refugee it's someone seeking refuge so they don't have to be from like another country don't try and get me

on a fucking technicality homeless people aren't refugees you belch me they are if they're in your loft eating your wotuds true that's what me and Adam would be arguing about

as a fucking homeless guy fucking around with the christmas deckies i think the bigger point is that there's a dude in your loft well no where is he homeless or refugee dan this is what we'd be in the house of common let's have some crisps and talk about it the house of left uh non-left because keith set them all keith the refugee why he told you his refugee why has he told you his name what has he told you his name what

or have you named him in this situation he's told me his name right this is fictional and hypothetical just letting you know I've hit my bullshit

limit guys just letting you know I'm there let's have a break get a bite and get Cal Freezy in there yeah bro wag wag lids we've got to tell

you about one of our sponsors nord vpn they're offering our listeners our fans a two-year deal plus one month for just 89 which is about 65 quid that's 70 off the usual price and works out at two pounds 60 a month what adam what is a VPN? What's Nord? A VPN is basically a way to lie to your computer or your laptop and say, hey, I'm not in fucking Liverpool, me mate. Nah, I'm in Syria. I'm in the Antarctic.

I'm in Brussels. I'm in Mexico. Wherever you feel like being, where do you want to be? Where do you want to be online? You can tell a VPN, put me there, and it will give you access to that country's version of the internet. And you might not think that's any different,

but you're full of shit, Susan, okay? If you're in America, you get access to American Netflix. Syrian Netflix, Susan. Have you not watched Syrian Netflix? It's wicked. It's honestly the best thing I pay for a VPN

being able to decide what country you want to be in and what you want access to it's especially great as we've said before for the Premier League you can get all the three o'clock kickoffs

because they're shown all around the world just not in England you can get them with NordVPN and I'm they're my I'm so happy

that they're on board as a sponsor so it's nordvpn.com slash have a word. Use our custom code, have a word. That's NordVPN.com slash have a word. Custom code, have a word. Go ahead, Susan.

You fucking slag. Hey! It's good to be back. What are you drinking, Dan? What are you drinking? A beverage. What's it called? It's called, it's called it's a

refreshing energy drink and when they start paying you you'll tell because they've sent you free stuff but they're not paying i'm glad we're doing this on the pod you know like this is how you reach brands you sort of it's got a little them publicly belittle them pathetic budget you've got what is it shite sh gamer? Shite aid? No, it's called Gamer Aid. All right, guys. What are we doing? Bleep that out.

I'm paying for that. It's 12 grand now. I've Diet Coke paid you. It's 180 milligrams of caffeine. I feel like Diet Coke, you know, everyone already knows what that is. Oh, yeah.

So don't try and get money off one of the biggest companies in the world. Yeah, because they won't give you that. It's the little independent companies where you have to pill pillage and then you drink in nosely yet another retarded bit of the podcast and there's the first album of this week's episode and that's you know welcome thank you how are you i am good i had an absolute stinker getting up here though you did I'm surprised you're the first person who's done this tell us what happened yeah so I got the train up yeah and uh so I thought that this that I was supposed to get in at two past two yeah right and so I've decided I'll schedule my piss break perfectly here I'm gonna nail this yeah so about one minute to two it only takes me about a

minute right but anyways i got up go to the toilet and now now going in going in here they've got like loads of these buttons it's not just to shut the door it's on the train isn't it yeah yeah it's not just to shut the door and turn the lock and you're locked in things have changed there's lots there's lots of fucking buttons now so i'm looking i'm scrambling trying to figure out how to lock this place first it's one minute i've figured that out right and now we're looking it's about one minute past but i haven't actually thought about that in my head i'm still in the mode of this is only going to take a minute so i've gone taking a piss and i've come out i've sat down on my seat thinking right we should be pulling up any minute and as i just as i'm thinking that starts to pull away and i go oh maybe that wasn't my stop there's

no way that could be my stop maybe we're running a few minutes behind and then this old lady next to me is like we've just left runcorn and i'm off to live does she work for the train or should you just announce no she's just letting the whole fucking quiet train know um yeah so i missed it and i went all the way there i thought you'd rejected Runcorn as a concept. I took one look out the window and said, we'll just keep going. No, this can't be right. I'm not into it.

Yeah, no, so yeah, it was sort of 40 minutes. So your taxi driver was buzzing when I told him I was coming here. Oh really? Yeah, it was quite, it was like 50 quid. Oh, money wise. Oh, I thought he meant he was like, have a word. Like, oh no, sorry.

He's just like, what, mate? I'm going over the fucking bridge. There we go. This fast tag finally comes in fucking useful, mate. He sounds Southern. Let's go buy a gossip. The anxiety that that would give me. Like, I know I'm often late for coming here,

but that's because I know I don't have to be on time here and things are fine. I tend to be like very early for stuff Don't I Yo She's so early Come on Like if we're going If we've got a table booked in town

For 8 o'clock I want to be Like on our way at half 7 And it's only a 15 minute journey Come on Yeah you're not wrong I am like that So getting

Going for a piss At 1 minute to 2 For the 2 minute pass to Start Yeah that's wild Yeah Yeah Well I've learnt my lesson now so

And next time I'm In Roncorn I won't make that mistake. You didn't notice the train was stationing me at all? No, I was so caught up in trying to find the lock-in button that none of that really played into my mind. I just thought I'd nailed it, to be honest. What I don't like about those, is it one of those, like, robot reviews?

Yeah. And they start talking to you as well. They do banter? Yeah. Why? Go and watch, like, Hopes and Dreams down the toilet. Ah those like- Yeah. And they start talking to you as well. They do banter. Yeah, why? Go wash like hopes and dreams down the toilet. Ah-ha. Yeah. Just put piss and shit in this.

We don't want any of your clothes. Yeah, it's not quite right. It's something like- Welcome to Liverpool trains. Don't shit. Just shit. Don't put needles down the toilet. Not again.

Don't drown an enemy in the toilet. Adam auditioned for that role, but he was like, no, that's too much. I actually did audition for the virgin train voiceover team. Did you? Yeah. No, he barely did.

No, I actually did when I had my voiceover agent. No, you didn't. No, he did. No, I didn't. No, you didn't. Genuine. And here's another one. You've got a voiceover agent. Bullshit. No, I haven't anymore. I had a voiceover agent bullshit no i haven't anymore i had a

voiceover agent for a bit and then when i signed with my comedy manager they were like you've got to sign with us for everything so you need to leave him well i had a voiceover agent called neil he worked for cvgg oh yeah he was obviously pretty shit if you didn't get it i think i was shit oh his job essentially is to get me the audition isn't it oh right and i think they wanted someone to be like all personal and stuff and i was just like listen lads oh this is for piss and poo only did you go off script i did freestyle a bit shit piss and puke i'm not reading this fucking script it's shite that's in the recording

yo takes the left it in but what i don't like about those things on the they're now the avanti west coast aren't they they've took all the old virgin trains and they now run the line they're the company but like when you go in the door slides open and then the way you wee it like because it is hard to lock them your dick is facing the door yeah and you would think they would design it so the toilet's the other way so that you're facing away from the door when you're pissing because when it accidentally opens and you've got your dick out which has happened to me once i just spun and pissed all over the toilet you're making it out like you close the door then piss against the closed door oh you almost are though you're it's at an angle foot away from it and it's the anxiety

that gets you how am i getting stage fright when there's no one here yeah but it's like a foot away from it and it's the anxiety that gets you how am i getting stage fright when there's no one here yeah but it's the anxiety of knowing there could be that poor lady could be stood i've done it mate i've pressed the button and some nana had this is from way back we mentioned this on the podcast press the button it was not locked and it just i just wait for this and it just went did you have a look and i saw someone's grandma having a waz and she went oh like it was the worst day of her old life but was it though because oh well how do you know she's not a widow who just wanted some company and was like i'll wait in the toilet and i'll oh i didn't lock that yeah you're right yeah yeah you're right

because you have no idea how anyone's nana has ever fucking worked. You mentals. She was just an old woman who had her fucking wrinkly biff out. Like, oh, no. It was the worst day of her pensioner life. And you're like, maybe she fucking wanted it, Dan. Maybe she was like, I'm leaving that unlocked. Maybe some young fucking cock will come in here.

It was just an 82-year-old who was about to have a fucking aneurysm because I saw her old fanny did you get your cock out stop fucking up the pod you evil little shit carl you 2022 menace it was awful i i didn't i couldn't do anything you're very passionate about i saw an old lady with her fucking knickers around her ankle it was awful what i should have done is lean in, Kyle. I should have leaned in. What are you doing with your fingers? Come here, Lon.

You should have come. I know what you're like. Hey, Adam was right. It's not been the same since Frank left, has it, Lon? Come here. Where her G-spot was. Rick riding. I should have locked it from the inside, but I just went.

Did you actually see any Any minge No You did You did That was like a Vietnam veteran Just sort of scared old lady Awful

But she was sat So rough Like you sat facing away I suppose that's better If you're having a shite Then no one's going to see your dick Because it's facing away Oh it's just so bad

So bad I just What's wrong with the lock Fucking Cloth lock Yeah Back to the original point Old school it's facing away oh it's just so bad so bad i just what's wrong with a lock fucking clock yeah back to the original point old school that's the best way to go about it really anyways he's got a voiceover agent what other auditions did you do why have you never told me this um i did he got me an advert audition as well that wasn't just a voiceover. Right. Which was for, I'm sure I've told you about this.

It was for Tesco. Have I told you about this? No. Have you? I'm pretty sure I have. I've definitely told it on another podcast. So there was like a thing with Tesco, but it was like, Jimmy's steak dinner.

And I was up for the role of Jimmy. This is true, right? So I had to make a steak dinner and i had to do the advert and like it was supposed to be for like valentine's day or father's day or something i was like making steak dinner and then i got down to the final two for it and it was a lot of money like a lot of money and i was like i think i might get this and then i didn't get it and to this day jimmy's steak dinner the advert is at the very front of my local Tesco so every time I go shopping this is partly why I'm a fucking Asda man

from the first half it's because I have to walk past the cunt who beat me to the fucking thing and he's looking at me and I can see him through the poster looking at me going you'd have loved this 25 grand wouldn't you but I got it

could have had a deposit for a house have you ever been successful in any of these auditions? I did the nationwide tv adverts a few years ago i did stand up on the bank and advert oh okay and i was very it was that good it was it was it was uh it paid well cal yeah it was uh you know i think it sold me a handful of but i think a lot of people everyone hates everyone on adverts eventually because you're on all the time and you just end up being the twat off the advert you know what i mean so i've got a lot of messages like

angry you you're a youtuber you must get as well as loads of positive stuff and then the few that are horrible yeah it was just why is this fuck lazy-eyed scouse cunt on my telly again talking about fucking saving bastard money he's doing my fucking head in, cop-eyed cunt. And what they don't know is... That was just Carl, yeah. And what they don't know is that Adam's not going round the circuit doing very mild humour about savings. It's because Halifax was like,

could you write something about money or banking? So everything that was on there was really like... And then Nationwide, they emailed me and stole that idea. Oh, sorry, Nationwide, yeah. But it's not... People got annoyed going, this wasn't very good. As if But it's not like, people got annoyed, like going, this wasn't very good. Like, as if the advert company

were like, tone everything down and then tone it down again and then tone it down again. Well, it's not a great advert for your comedy though, is it? No. Could you imagine

that then they see, oh, look, he's doing a show here. Oh, I saw his, I saw his bit on the telly. That was shit. I got a walkout in Wolverhampton because of that. A woman and her fella left

and I was like, where are you guys going? I'm upset. She was like, we've seen you on the advert, mate. But it's just not the same, is it? And I was like, it absolutely is not, love. No, you can leave. That's fine.

What kind of fucking knobhead goes to see adverts live? Who are you going to see this year? 2020 is a big year post-COVID for live stuff. Oh, we love loads of adverts. Really can't wait to see the cravendale milk guy a big tour fucking idiots have you been asked to do some giants have you been asked to do some stuff i was in i was in a yeah i was in a links advert actually did you get some free links oh yeah yeah yeah oh my god but now the flatmates everyone's sort of fed up of it because no more Africa. Yeah. Yeah links Africa

But anyway, so I've gone I've gone to do this you right they paid me quite a bit money to be on this I'm but I'm there me Anthony Joshua H And chunks hate you know, yeah, yeah from steps No H. H. From Steps. H. The rapper. Oh, I think we're from Steps. Oh, so did I. No, you didn't. The rapper, H. No, I did.

You're so fucking, even I'm 40 and I knew who H was. I don't know who H was. I knew, I was doing it as a joke. I wasn't. Doing bits. Chunks and Young Philly. Yeah, we're not from the-

No, just Chunks on this one. From the beat, yeah. So anyways, we're all in there and we've all done our bit. I'm like this hot uh hot dog stand guy and they've they've shown me a the final thing got her manager sent across this is the ad i've gone that's fucking class that'll look so good and they're gonna be playing it in between premier league games and even some of the champions league stuff i'm like wow what a moment anyways

boys come round you gotta come and see this ad supposed to be on at halftime in this premier league game so everyone comes around premiere no well not a premiere well we got your mates the boys come around to watch the football anyways but i'll say like you know we could be seeing me for the first time on a big on the big screen here everyone comes sit down right so Here comes the links ad. There it is. I was supposed to be on five seconds into it. They've cut my bit out. Just a little taste. Oh, I'm sure I'll be in the long version when they show that one.

Did they cut chunks out? Just me. I got my bag. There you go then. Yeah, I got, no, no, no. But I want, I, the hot dog man should have been in that fucking hat. You were the star of the thing, yeah.

Well, I thought I was. Yeah, that's how I felt, you know. When I was watching it back, I was like, I've pulled off a masterclass here. Artistically, you're like, no. His story needs to be told. Yeah, yeah. Mustard lap.

I will never wear Lynx Africa again. After this. Yeah. So yeah, anyways, that was the, that was the time I was supposed to be in an advert, but yeah,

that was pretty depressing. My mom texted me. I thought you were supposed to be in the ad. Fuck off. I'd have loved if mine had got cut. Genuinely, if they'd have just paid me and gone, we're not showing it.

And that is actually what happened in the end. I don't, have we told this on a public yet? So I put a stand-up clip out. Oh, yeah, yeah. And the people who sorted the adverts out were like, oh, that stand-up clip is far too offensive and he's linked with our brand and that can't, he needs to delete it now.

And I said, no. Like, I'm not deleting my stand-up you knew who you hired and yeah and they went oh no take it down and i went no you can't tell me what i can and can't but i was just not happening where where so what this is up on like youtube or something like that it's on youtube and like twisted and stuff nationwide throwing the dick around a bit oh right okay and i work for nationwide now yeah no i'm not doing it and now if you google if you go on youtube sorry and search for those banking adverts every other one is still there but all of mine have been deleted after yeah yeah mine is so funny nightmare yeah fucking so for all we know that nationwide thing could have never happened it could have yeah it

definitely got the bank yeah nice yeah i love getting paid to not do stuff. It's fucking brilliant. I've got a happy memory of getting a gig cancelled. I'd just got on the motorway, and I was just coming up to the first junction past where I get on the motorway, and the promoter rang and went, I don't know where you are, but go home. It's been cancelled.

I had literally straight onto the slip road. It couldn't have been timed. I was like round and round about, ringing my wife like, I'm coming home. I'm going to be home in 15 minutes. brilliant full fee get the fuck in not that i don't love doing stand-up but getting paid to not do stand-up getting paid to drive to junction 15 and back was fucking great i am got a question for you carl because uh finn our brilliant system producer is now our sort of in-house researcher as well yeah so we did a little bit of digging uh we

haven't found out anything too bad. But you have lived in many countries, apparently. Yeah, that's sort of why my accent's just fucked. You just sound like quite well-spoken Londoner to me. No. I hear a twinge. No, you sound like a forces child. Oh, it's interesting you say that.

I'm not, but yeah, but no. Where have you lived? Tell us interesting you say that. I'm not, but yeah, but no. Where have you lived? Tell us where you've lived. Yeah, I lived in, when I was three, moved to Vietnam, lived there. So back in Nam for seven years. Moved from there to Russia, then from Russia to Scotland for half a year, Egypt, then back up to Scotland, and now London. What?

Yeah. Who's? I'm trying to work out what your dad did the circus is it the circus oh that vietnamese circus that very famous circus that was called the war no he worked in oil so wherever the was, he just sort of carted me around with him. Right. But yeah. His dad's a driver for BP. That's what it is. Used to do the Vietnamese petrol stations, then the Russians.

Yeah. And Scotland, obviously. Showing you knowledge about the oil industry there, Adam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was wrong with that? What? What do you mean? He isn't a BP driver, is he? No, I was joking about that bit. But like, what was wrong with that? What? What do you mean? He isn't a BP driver, is he?

No, I was joking about that bit. But like, what was wrong with, what was fundamentally flawed about my... I don't know. Just drive to a petrol station in Vietnam. Are you saying Vietnamese people don't use petrol? Diesel? They do.

They've got their own oil. They've got their own oil. But yeah. How long have you been back in the uk you always felt british though were you international schools yeah yeah and it was filled with military kids yeah american military kids so that's why there's a bit of that twang there's that tended to be made up of mostly american kids there um so yeah i came back to the uk when i was 14 yeah i went to uni with a girl from cameroon and she was like hey i'm from cameroon you're like well you sound american as fuck she'd only ever watched american tv yeah well that's the thing herself to speak by watching friends yeah yeah yeah well that is like

a big thing and that's why a lot of the times when these people from abroad, they learn English, is they will 90% of the time have an American accent because of the TV shows they watch to learn it. Yeah. Movies, things like that. That's so funny. Could I be any more from Cameroon? Could I? She was like, oh my God.

It was mental. But everyone should have just let it lie. But everyone was like, no, you're definitely American. She was like, I'm fucking not. I'm from Cameroon, okay. Amazing. She was dead sound. I reckon we're about four or five years away

from genuine Americans identifying as being from Cameroon anyway. So she'll fit in with all them. She'll like it. Yeah, that's a little identity politics joke there. For the man, then. Vietnamese petrol stations. What was wrong with that? Finnn did you have any questions i know on the spot so so we've got our ghost hunt has just come out on friday we did a second ghost hunt and i saw on your youtube

that you went to a haunted yes house about six months ago. You just talked to us about that and we can kind of share experiences. Yeah, it was a load of bollocks, really. That's what, so there were a couple bits, right? So we rocked up to this place and there was like- Do you know where it was? Do you know what the place was called? Oh, I can't remember.

It was a place in Greenwich and it was like you know what the place was called oh i can't remember it was a place in greenwich and it was it was like a haunted mansion yeah uh that now they just do like ghost tours and just off of that should have been like if you're doing ghost tours constantly in this place i feel like the ghost would have fucked off like there's too many people you know what i mean like you lot are constantly coming here like yeah i'm not making any money so anyway so that was the first red flag but i was like do you know what we'll go yeah fine we rock up me and the boys um and they give it so we brought some of our own equipment because i was there i don't want any of their you know potentially tampered with equipment i'm bringing my own so we brought

like a few bits of like you know those like emf readers and things like that yeah really so yeah yeah yeah so we took a couple of those but they still wanted to give us a few of their own stuff i said fine we'll take those as well um and then they also were insistent on us using a ouija board and i said fuck that no chance i i don't necessarily believe in that stuff but i'm also not one to tempt it either so i said fuck that no chance like i don't necessarily believe in that stuff but i'm also not one to tempt it either so i said no anyways well we go walking around this place and just like nothing's happening right like none of our stuff's going off and so we're like 20 30 minutes into this and we're sort of looking around i'm thinking how the fuck am i supposed to get a youtube video on this like this is this is shit and then we went into one room and we set this thing, this trinket that goes down

and it starts making a sound if there's a ghost around or whatever. And then that went off once or twice. But for the most part, it was all just little sounds that you would get in a haunted or just a normal abandoned mansion or whatever before. watch we've now

done a couple of ghost songs and when people believe they want to believe yeah it's confirmation bias they hear those things and they go watching our friend barry who basically did our two ghost tours watching him exist like that and i now i've done two i don't know if we'll ever do another one the second one we went to a castle in north northumberland this was about a month ago it was fucking freezing it was grim we went in the dungeons we went to like a cursed lake at midnight honestly let's bear in mind this will go out monday and that it's only just gone on patreon on friday yeah so we can't give any spoilers away yeah no spoilers but some stuff did happen yeah like the the machines were doing certain things and like i'm as i'm a open-minded skeptic he's an absolute non-believer and carl's sort of slightly more skeptical than

me yeah but not completely closed yeah it like but doing it with someone who truly believes that's the most fun it's like taking a kid to Disneyland. Like if I go to Disneyland on my own, be like, ah, it's nice, nice weather, fucked about. You take a kid and you're like, hey, it was really fun. It's like Christmas with my daughter. It's way more fun because she's loving it. That's how ghost hunting with Barry's like,

he's like, oh, fucking hell. He wanted to believe in every, like every. Did you hear that then? He's like, yeah, Barry buddy someone's hoovering the next That's a hoover isn't it? At one point I was just scratching my leg He was like no shut the fuck up I swear to god

I can hear the rustling of like a Victorian Lady's dress I was just like I've got psoriasis I just forgot my cream It's mental watching people Trying I mean to be fair being in a dungeon At like midnight I just forgot my cream. It's mental watching people trying. I mean, to be fair, being in a dungeon at midnight.

Well, you don't have to believe in ghosts. That was fucking horrible. Yeah, but that's the thing. Like you're gonna feel like that regardless, even if someone told me this wasn't a haunted place, I don't wanna be in someone's cellar at midnight. That's just quite creepy. And the noises come anyways.

I don't like going downstairs to my own kitchen at three in the morning. I turn every light on. I don't. I turn every light switch as I walk down. I'm like, London light on, bathroom light on, living room light on, put the lamp on for good, use kitchen light on, get me a drink,

and then turn them all off in the exact same reverse order. Check the lot for refugees. Yeah, it's scary. I run, I run. The last one, I run after the last one as well. My last one is my lamp at the next to my bed, so I'm run I'm run the last one I'm run after the last one as well my last one is me lamp at the next to me bed so I'm already in bed so nothing

nothing weird there were bits that went off and you hear certain sounds but when I left that place I didn't think there are ghosts here I didn't think that but it was fun to do,

and it's a funny video because you just get to watch it, and it's just, yeah, you're right. Once you're in that environment with all your friends, it's just crazy. There were some moments on the Ghost Hunt 2, and it's available on our Patreon now, patreon.com slash have a word pod. I will, you know, like core memories.

There's one particular core memory that I will take to my fucking grave. It was so fun. Yeah. Just walking through, walking through woods. It was minus one. It was frosty everywhere. And just walking through,

like there was a beautiful moment. Like you, you'll must get this as a YouTuber. We're doing this shit where it was like 10 to midnight and we were walking through like a haunted forest we're like what the fuck are we doing for a job it was absolutely amazing have you had a moment like that what's the what's obviously what you're doing your youtube stuff yeah has there been a moment like that for you where you were like oh my god this is what i get

to do like either this is fucking insane or this is incredible. Anything like that. Yeah. Do you know what? It's mostly because nowadays, especially, I really just choose videos that I want to, that I think are cool. I'll go and stay at an ice hotel or I'll go and do,

and anytime I'm there, I'm there like, I can't believe I'm making fuck loads of money for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does feel like that. But yeah, I don't know I'm there like, I can't believe I'm making fuck loads of money for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It does feel like that. But yeah, I don't know if there's like, there's times where I've played football with some amazing footballers, Yaya Torre, things like that.

And I'm just there like, this is so cool that this is my job. And I'm quite literally getting paid to play football with Yaya Torre. As a non-footballer. As a non-footballer, yeah. I mean, I'm sure there's plenty of footballers out there that non-football as a non-football yeah i mean i'm sure there's plenty of footballers out there that have had that luxury as well i think there's probably plenty of

footballers though like actual premier league footballers who've played against yaya tori and been like i'm playing my fucking yaya tori today and it's still a big deal to them yeah never mind and that's their job yeah yeah yeah no it's true i don't know i'm trying to like for example on friday i've booked out a trampoline park and i'm literally just gonna go there fuck around shoot some stuff there but like that is my job what do you want to do for your birthday little benji i just want to go to the trampoline park i've dreamed of it forever for my eighth birthday well you can't because cal freeze you put the fuck around get down ball in your dick it's not literally just you that is such a no no it's not just me jumping around the trampoline park. You nailed before, Cal.

Fucking brilliant. Have you ever been to one? A trampoline park? Yeah, I've been to one before, yeah. So I went a few years ago. My ex-girlfriend bought me for my birthday. She was like, we're going to the trampoline park. She said she wants to go, so we're going there.

And she was like, we get two hours. And I was like, oh, two hours. I might pay for a bit longer four minutes in i was like can we go and have a cup of tea in the cafe and then we'll carry on again in a bit it is the most tiring thing i've ever done in my life it was it was it's like and there's literally like there's the people who work there. You know, like, when you go to, like, an ice rink or, like, a roller park and, like, the people who work there are so good at it and they're just, like, gliding about

and they're, like, explaining things while they're moonwalking on ice skates to you. They're like, yeah, this is how you ice skate. They're like that at the trampoline. So there's, like, a fella doing literal, like, fucking front crawl jumping jacks around the whole place and he's like, yeah, so just make sure you've got your helmets on at all times just make sure your elbow pads are fit really secure and yeah just don't worry about it and look at me i can literally freak it all all the way up this wall do you know then that they're just really fucking annoying yes yeah they do they know they're good

right and you're supposed to be working yet you're just flying around doing all these flips you know i can't do that you know everyone else in here can't fucking do that. So why are you doing that? Especially when you're there with your daughter and it's the under fours session. Like literally it's just parents and toddlers on the trampolines and some 19 year old who's vaping

is doing fucking eight back flips. Why? You're going to knock a child out. Do you know why I did that? Me and Seneca, she booked for us to go to Trampoline Park, but she booked like 11 till 12 on a saturday morning no kids own so i went and it was full of toddlers because i didn't give a fuck i was just doing shit like that just like jumping over

kids heads and she was like stop you're going to kill a child i was like well i've got an hour i'm not not using it so she sat and watched and was pissed off. Yeah, I have to say this about the toddler sessions. I used to go with my daughter. She's at school now, but you go on a Tuesday. Definitely was with your daughter, though. You're not allowed in on your own. I'm glad you've made that clear.

I didn't go with my daughter. Can I just say, the one in Ellesmere Port, the tots bounce. You can't just turn up as a four-year-old like, are you all right? I don't work Tuesday mornings. It was just the kids and then some mums. So there'd be some hot mum. And obviously, I sound like a perv because I am.

There'd be trampolining mums and tits would be flapping. It'd be great fun for a perv. And then you realise that you're trampolining and then my tits would be flapping, which is a real fucking disappointment. Do you remember the rollerblading cunt? Yeah. Yeah, he was a cock what the trampolines

no he was just going backwards all the time he had like dreadlocks like down to his fucking arsehole and he was literally like

I'm literally struggling I looked like like I was trying I looked like I had like a brain injury and I was trying to learn to walk again and I was literally

just like struggling on these things my ex was doing alright Seneca was doing really well was doing really well carl was not as bad as me but not as good as either of the girls but this guy's just there just looking at our girlfriends like skating around them in figures of eight to me like hey girls how you doing you ever want to be with a man who can roller skate like serica's gonna be like well i've been with carl 10 years and i love him and we're buying a house together but this cunt can roller skate nobody could rock like he was like sitting on the floor at something on his phone on his xbox yeah but he's not steal your 10 year girlfriend

fucking good nobody thought he was yeah he was giving off that vibe oh your your man's gone for a sit down as he i'm not gonna sit down for at least 45 minutes look watch this so one leg for a bit oh look at that oh i've hopped over a child that was easy wasn't it could he do that no do you want to go for tapas he was a gob shape he was speaking the whole time but could you imagine being like so the reason he probably does it is because it has worked at some point right so could you imagine being that one bloke that did have his girl stolen. By some high speed pedophile. Yeah, it's not good.

I would have topped myself. There's no way you could keep going after that. Went roller skating for date night. Stop going, yeah. To steal someone else's. What are you gonna do in the trampoline park? What's the plan? Like you've got the whole thing to yourself.

I need to figure that out. Yeah, I just booked it because it would be cool and it's an excuse to just me or my friend just go i love how you plan your shit you plan your shit exactly how we do yeah book it confirm it pay a deposit and then work it out later yeah it's a problem for the night before yeah oh no the morning of we did oh the morning we've been starbucks having an argument like we need content here lads we need to fucking close it. We were literally, we did our Christmas special in December, and four hours before it started,

we were sat in the Clockworks pub in a Phil Gorm, right? It was going to Smith East to get a mask. Just so that someone, we need a horse head. That'll be funny. Basically agreeing that I was getting a tattoo on my arse. So we're having a loud disagreement

about the tattoo and how this is going to play out. And some family are having like a family birthday next to us i'm like no not everything you can control what's going on the arse well it's not too big you can see this family and i was like dad your arse is mine today okay ignore the crying child listen to me focus yeah we don't plan shit yeah we've just we can't reveal it just yet we mentioned to you, we've just confirmed or tentatively confirmed a big live show for later this year. At a trampoline park.

At a trampoline park. Yeah. Amazing. 11 till 12. Loads of toddlers. Let's knock them out. That's going to take a little bit more planning than a few days before. Probably.

Because if we don't, we lose a lot of money, don't we? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's plan that one.

Got some investments in there um we're doing that one the night before or the morning of yeah i would imagine quite tricky but let's maybe not go into it too much because maybe not oh i can feel them getting excited it's so fucking good have you done any live stuff carl you've done no i'm terrified to do live stuff actually really yeah because at least i i don't yeah i don't know like we never edit our podcasts or anything like that when we do them so better isn't it it's better but for some reason i just think who would actually want to turn up and listen to me chat shit. Because that's the thing. Come on, Cal. Lots of people.

You could literally now to that camera go, right, I'm going to do a standup show. I'll do about an hour in London in a few weeks. And you know, by the time you finish doing it, when people watch it, it will sell out. So people would want to come and see you. Yeah, I don't know. I think it's an anxiety thing.

It's an anxiety thing. I think I'd be there and i'd be i'd be shitting myself even like the the sidemen did like a roast and i was one of the people roasting them and there was a few friends and family in the crowd and that was it i was i was up late the night before just stressed about and it was like no difference to any other video but it was the idea that i had to be funny right that is the worst right and it's literally you guys are qualified to be funny right you literally do it for a living now i don't like to put that pressure on myself so the live thing is just have you got ignore the fear for a second just for the second have you got any ambition to do it?

Would you like to do it? You're just fearful of it? Or have you just got no interest in it whatsoever? There's always a price. If someone wants to give me enough money, I'm more than happy to get over that fear. Lynx Africa, live. And I'm just not there for the whole thing.

Gets caught from his own gig. The people of Cameroon are like where the fuck was he we're so excited fucking bastard we're doing a roast in six five days as in you guys are getting roasted or you're doing we're doing the american style roast of adam and dan where we get our say back at the end but we've got like eight comedians cool yeah coming to bullying our friends with punch lines yeah yeah how did you find it do you enjoy roasting uh yeah it was actually good fun but it it's all to do with the delivery and when you're a little bit more nervous the delivery just doesn't really flow as well as i practiced it in my mirror 500 times the night before and then when i come to it i'm like stuttering there's one bit right where i do this just joke where i i take out this bit

of paper and then i read off like a poem or something you can literally see the paper shaking violently and i'm there like i'm just gonna let go of this paper in a minute because this looks horrific that's a mistake loads of new comics make they're like oh i've got this prop yeah yeah yeah yeah and it gives it i'm gonna the copy of my local make they're like oh i've got this prop yeah yeah yeah yeah and it gives the copy of my local newspaper it's like they look like they've got parkinson's it's really but i did love doing it i did love doing it and i love coming up with the jokes and that part of it was fun but yeah i don't know so maybe it's something did anyone get eggy did anyone get upset did any of the sid sidemen get, was there a line?

There was a few lines that watching back that I'm there like, that's a tough one to take. Yeah, looking back on it now, I don't think we'll ever know whether they've taken it because on camera you can't just kick off. Do you know what I mean? Like you've got to just firm it and then go and cry yourself to bed that night. Imagine if at the Rose I'm like, I'm not doing this! Just stomp off.

Yeah. So I don't think I will ever know, but there was definitely just a few watching back and you go, yeah, that one. I'm not sure I would have said that one now. Yeah, so we've got a mate, Freddie Quinn, who's been ringing people's ex-girlfriends. Has he?

That's how seriously he's taken it. Not yours. You're all right. I've seen one of his lines and it's rough. Yeah. It turns out we've, yeah, we've released an animal onto ourselves. As in like...

Well, it's so in Freddie's wheelhouse, isn't it? Freddie wants to be the offensive roast style comic on stage, never mind doing roasts. So we've given Freddie an opportunity in front of, what, 700 people to do what he wants to do and permission to say it to us and not just people he doesn't know he went has it been recorded and put on patreon oh fuck i didn't know that you're like everything we do is recorded and put on patreon of course it is he was like oh shit like he was

just gonna get to abuse everyone and then it just disappear into the ether he's got some good shit though i have to say though if someone actually did lose the temper it would even though it would be so that is what you want it would make for one of the most amazing moments i don't think with the lads we've got that i think everyone it would be phenomenal just cried a little bit have you got steven tries doing it by any chance no we did ask him but so when we did we did an event in November called The Last Dans so Dan used to host a night in Manchester

called Beat the Frog for new comedians where you've got to try and make it to five minutes without getting voted off sort of Britain's Got Talent style I've retired now because I've got all

the Gamerade money and Stephen came down and he roasted Dan as his act and it was brilliant and he was like I watched a bit of that he was like I think I've sort of done it. Oh, okay.

Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. Because he was in that Sideman one and he just, he's so good. That's what he is amazing at. He will be. He will do comedy again, I think. Yeah. I think he's an amazing joke writer.

Yeah. He's incredible. So I'd like, yeah, that's, would have been good to see, but yeah. I'll go on Patreon next month. There's loads coming up on Patreon actually. Loads of announcements. So you've got to go and check them out. Do you prefer doing the live stuff

or the podcast? Well, for us, the podcast is a, is a vehicle to sell more live tickets. Really? Like primarily anyway, or that's what it started as.

This has now become so part of our weekly routines that I could not go when I'm away from this for a week I feel like itchy like I want to be back

so it's hard but I always see myself as a comedian who podcasts rather than a podcaster who does stand up yeah do you know what I mean

I think that's the way you have to be though not all live work is the same like this is better than a lot of the live comedy i used to do there are

you can't get booed off of this no you know you don't have to drive to somewhere shit to play to people who don't want to listen to you but like live comedy at its best in front of a great crowd doesn't matter if it's big or small like when they're all there and it's electric and you're on fire that takes some beating that's like the but they're not all gigs aren't like that yeah every time we turn up in here and i around it's i love going to comedy like live comedy it's where's your go-to um uh in london there's a place in greenwich the creek that one yeah uh been there uh the comedy store there's also the secret top secret top secret that was that's probably there the Comedy Store there's also

the secret Top Secret Comedy Club Top Secret that's probably my favourite one actually it's one of my favourite clubs in the world I was there last weekend yeah yeah they're three great clubs

I don't do Up the Creek as often as I'd like to they always ask me but they're because they're quite far out from Central it's hard to do there and the clubs in Central. Will you try and do multiple in one night?

Yeah, so London last weekend I did two Thursday, three Friday, three Saturday. So Thursday was just two at Top Secret. Friday was two at Top Secret and then a place called The Boat Show. And then Saturday the same, two at Top Secret and then over to The Boat Show. And what's a London crowd like?

Because I feel like London crowds, for music at at least they tend to be a bit shit compared to you come to liverpool you come to manchester things like that the crowd tends to be well way more up for it i think the reason for that to be honest and this is why liverpool i think is a great place if you get them yeah is most people in the liverpool crowd generally speaking are from liverpool and there's an identity to the crowd, whereas Liverpool is such a cosmopolis of so many different people from all over the world. Is that a good word?

Cosmopolis. I noticed a little... I knew exactly what you meant, so it worked. I mean, I'm giving you that. Well done. Might not be a word, but you've made... Can you Google that? Because I think I nailed giving you the well done might not be a word might not be a word but you've made

can you google that because I think I nailed that beautiful use of language I I think there's such a especially in central London at like

the comedy store it's a lot of tourists it is a film Cosmopolis is it a word though erm no but

it's a beautiful word that you can have. Yeah. When you gig in London, if you mention anywhere around the UK, loads of people cheer. Yeah. You mention Leeds and someone will go, because London just pulls everyone in,

not just for a weekend or whatever. They come from all over the country to work, don't they? And there's internationals. It's hard to play to a London audience, I think, a Cockney audience anyway. If you were in the crowd,

would you cheer for Vietnam, Russia, Scotland? I don't think anyone's ever asked, is there anyone from Vietnam in the crowd? And they'd be good at it. Well, they were there probably hoping to have a joke off the bat

that there's no one from Vietnam in the crowd and then there's me just spoiling his fucking joke. That would be phenomenal though to watch someone go, is there anyone in from Vietnam? And have everyone look at you as you go. The tall, skinny white guy in the back going, yep. And you go, okay, Egypt? And you go, yeah, that one as well.

Are you multilingual? Can you speak Vietnamese? No, I can can't could you imagine section this would be i fucking love it can you speak any of it no when i when i uh lived in egypt i could speak it a little bit but the thing is if you don't if you're not there involved in it you just forget it i can't even count to 10 in these in these languages anymore but forgive my ignorance do egyptians speak egyptian yeah what is it they speak arabic yeah but but like it will be with like an egyptian that they all have like their own yeah bit to it yeah yeah yeah like

american english or all this isn't it that was the thing so when i when i came back when they're talking when i came back from egypt and i i went to school in scotland everyone just found it so funny to ask some of the most stupid fucking questions did you go to school on a camel did you live in the pyramids did you like did you did you swim in like just in the now all these sort of like just bizarre things and and but that was their vision of egypt and so i was constantly just no i just where's your favorite place to school egypt well egypt was my favorite but i was also like the oldest then so i appreciated it more but vietnam was lovely too russia was fucking weird and then yeah how long did you live in those places

Vietnam was like six or seven years Russia one year Egypt like three four but it was just before they had their revolution no offence Scotland

but you didn't even get in the league table of places you lived what about where are all those places oh everywhere Vietnam, Egypt was great Russia was weird

but Scotland Scotland's there innit did you learn any other language there? Fluent Scottish. Fucking Lee. Oi! Nailed it.

There you go. That's your Egyptian, is it? Oi! Oi! Shall we have a little break? Oi! Oi! Oi!

Oi! Oi! Wag wag lids, it's Dan. Hope you're enjoying Today's episode Do us a favour If you're watching on YouTube Like the video Subscribe

If you're listening Follow us on all socials At have a word pod Tell a friend Do something Help spread the word Also I'm on tour next year

If you want to come and see me Do stand up Get tickets at DanNightingale.com Appreciate you You're a good egg you're a good lid back to the episode you're a fucking pro aren't you yeah in that break we were talking about fifa and the packs

and this is the packs I feel old this is when I feel old mate what is it I don't get it how is it not just a game it's virtual currency and you pay

it's basically connecting footy stickers but you get to use your footy stickers to play with and your footy stickers are expensive yeah right

no but I was aware they were expensive and then Carl Friese started talking about his version of expensive. And my house is worth less than his expensive.

Yeah. I don't get it. And that pales into significance with 99% of the FIFA community now. A lot of these guys will spend that high six figures a year on packs. Or, you know, sort of like 500 grand plus. I would imagine. So we'll give a little brief explanation because we've got a lot of people who listen who probably have got no knowledge just like

you hello what are the packs on fifa there's a version of fifa called ultimate team on ultimate team you're trying to build a team full of players and you don't just play with like liverpool you've got to you've got to like get like muhammad salah and then you can pick any other striker that you've got to get like Mohamed Salah and then you can pick any other striker that you've found or bought to play alongside him it doesn't have to be the team it's not like a lottery

is it just like you pay for a pack and you don't know what you're getting yeah it's literally like getting digital footy stickers but with Salah

he plays better with someone in the Premier League or someone from Liverpool hang on so if you spend a tenner on a pack you might get like

you could get nothing and you usually do you could spend a thousand pounds on a pack, you might get like... You could get nothing, and you usually do. You could spend £1,000 on a pack. You could spend £1,000 and get nothing. That's the fucking... By nothing, we mean we're talking about those League One, Farmer League type players. Yeah.

Right. Or really shit Premier League players. And the only way to win games on FIFA is to have a team of 11 elite players. If you've got a load of Burnley players, you are not going to win a single game. I saw a guy, he had his back to the TV and his girlfriend was filming him

and he was finding out what player he was getting and he got Pele. That's good. It looked like he'd won the lottery. But that is equivalent to winning the lottery in terms of percentage of getting it. It's essentially an early version of NFTs. They're valuable to people who want them

and make no sense to anyone else. Right. If you get Pele, it's like 0.0001% genuinely. So if you get him, you've won the lottery on FIFA. So how much have you spent? Just for my old, addled brain who doesn't understand. Well, I haven't played the game in quite a few years but i started playing in like fifa 11 days and so for until probably about what fifa 18 so like six or

across six or seven years worth of fifa like it's well over a hundred grand worth of packs right again that pales into yeah yeah but yeah one going, oh, well, that's fucking sad. It's like, right, okay. But it was like a business. It's a business expense really because I was making videos about it and it's just like reinvesting into any other business.

But like you said, there are people out there spending. Millions. Yeah. Yeah, and they might get Tony Hibbert. I don't get it. How can you spend 20 grand on a pack and then release the Tony Hibbert icon card? Yeah, yeah icon card the shit is it big it's to chase that one pack it's so you can open a hundred

and get none but when you get that one pack the rush is like it's so you could get pelle and you could get lee carsley yeah right you can actually get them both in the same pack but the pelle and lee carsley pack yeah that's a really weird one it's not one card each pack because they play better together don't they Lee Carsley up front with Pele

so really defenders don't know what's happening you're chasing that rush you're chasing that rush

of Lee Carsley it's gambling the thing with Lee Carsley and Pele the defenders often get

confused because they look so similar so they don't know which one to mark they don't

see colour yeah problem there's Pele in a bloke that looks like me yeah well fifa has got an age group of males by the bollocks yeah by the bollocks you spend everyone spends money on packs there's obviously people who spend more but it's got all of us but it is the ultimate sort of scam right because you're there you think right well i've invested five thousand pounds this year that's a good investment but every october when the new game comes out that

five thousand pounds you've just spent is fucking worthless like quite literally has no value start again with you start with a team for the league cars leaves we all dream of a team of league cars leaves you literally do dream of a team of Lee Carsleys you literally do dream of a team of Lee Carsleys for that first week the first week you're lucky if you've got 11 Lee Carsleys

in your squad what happens in the first week you've just got like fake gen players you haven't had enough time to open pack they've just got guys who can't even run

it's just like it'd be like oh that left back who plays for Swindon he'll do for now because he's got good chem with because he's

he's Azerbaijan and I've got an Azerbaijan winger so they'll play well together Ollie Watkins for the first week is like Pele

yeah right or like someone like that like someone who's quick like pace is very

the meta is it fair to say that I don't think you can be married and spend this money on packs you can't people do

I can guarantee there's thousands okay cool if you're married and you spent five grand on packs I want to know how and what kind of marriage you've got. Should we go on holiday this year?

I'm so sorry, love. I've just spent all this money on Papa Booba Dior. The thing is, I think that conversation happens way more than you could possibly imagine. Absolutely. Yeah. Like you said that as a joke, but I promise you someone listening to this

has got it in the fucking neck from their wife. No doubt in my mind. fucking lutely yeah like you said that as a joke but i promise you someone listening to this has got it in the fucking neck from their wife no doubt in my mind yeah because she's not going to the maldives you got lee carsley yeah yeah yeah she doesn't understand how much he's gonna like he's gonna improve that team no she doesn't i mean this is the thing with women often they don't understand how men work no they don't i think they know how the maldives work, though. Yeah, but then she can fund the Maldives herself. Right. You know what I mean? I'll fund my FIFA addiction, you fund the Maldives,

and we'll both enjoy both. Yeah. Cool. So you're lucky to not be a part of the vice grip that EA has over a lot of men in this country. Well, if you need any addiction counselling, I know a good guy. But it is an addiction, a low-level addiction,

and it's a high-level addiction for a lot of people too. It sounds stupid. I would love to be on the fly on the wall for a FIFA therapy session. And then you went back and bought another pack, didn't you? Yeah. But you told yourself you wouldn't. I got back from doing a double of gigs before

and just got in and gone, right, got 200 quid for each gig and I would have happily just done one gig tonight so I'll just spend that 200 quid now. On pixels on a screen. Every night of a three night run. That you don't even want. You don't want the players you're getting.

You just want the one player that you do want. Mental that really. That's the EA of literally, as Carl said, just like it's the biggest scam ever. Oh no, it's class. Yeah, no. That rush is worth everything. Do you think footballers play it?

You do? Are they all the best at it? Because they've all got the best teams. Jogo Jota is one of the best in the world, genuinely. Yeah, he gets top 100. Football and FIFA. Yeah. There was actually a, he had a game later that night

and he was like qualifying for a tournament. He's that good. He like genuinely can qualify for these tournaments. And so he had a game later on. and he was qualifying for a tournament. He's that good, he genuinely can qualify for these tournaments. And so he had a game later on, he had to leave the qualification process in order to go and play a game for Liverpool. So I heard the commentator say, or someone had said, yeah, he's had to leave his FIFA tournament to come and play this game for Liverpool. Play real football.

You're a Liverpool fan as well, aren't you? Yeah. So what's it like being a Liverpool fan who has to go and do football videos with players from other teams the thing is like in terms of like level of fan I'm I'm I support Liverpool but I also love other players I like watching other players so I don't I'm not really like a diehard no I'm not like a diehard fan so I have no problem going and making videos with other people like that's

totally fine but if I'm watching football then I support Liverpool but that's really as far as it goes you're a professional you could do a video

with Lee Carsley alright I'll stay I'd love to do that it's like I've won a bet who's the biggest player who's the biggest

player you've done a video with definitely Ronaldo Cristiano not far Ronaldo no no no Cristiano, not Fabio Ronaldo. No, no, no, Cristiano Ronaldo. And this was when it was time in Madrid. And I went over there and it was actually to do with,

was it to do with FIFA? No, it was to do, he was bringing out this fragrance. Wasn't it aftershave? Yeah, yeah, I've seen it, yeah. The CR7 fragrance. And I've always said, I don't tend to get nervous in front of other people. I could have quite happily made a chloroform joke there, the way and i refuse to i want the credit that's growth for not doing that is growth yeah yeah but you still referenced it after you did the joke in a different

form i did but i did it on my own terms and you know what that takes balls it does well done um yeah so i went out to i went out to madrid and he's he's got this fragrance that he's chilling out and we were one of the the pressings and i don't like i said i don't get nervous in front of people but there's a few people out there that i'd say definitely get a little bit ronaldo maybe like drake someone like that people that i look up to right in my moment i'm there yeah oh absolutely um and i'm sweating you can see it in not fucking league cars i promise i'm not gonna say him again he is i'm really i'm having a very league carsley heavy episode i'm not saying it again you'll say it at the end

anyways so there uh i walk in and uh you can see in the video i am sweating right just nervous but they don't help though because him and his 20 pr team standing behind the camera have given me like a brief and it's like if you ask one wrong question you're dead that was the vibe that i got so and what i did was i thought right what video would be good for myself and that he would enjoy doing uh and what i decided was right i'm gonna give him a bunch of stats about himself he'll love that right and he has to tell me whether they're true or false so i'm going through i asked the first couple questions they said right i want you to mention the fragrance in this video once or twice i said no problem third thing in i asked a question about

the fragrance fine fourth and fifth question lady stop the cameras stop the cameras stop the cameras i'm going fuck what that what have i i've asked the question i'm gonna get decapitated anyways she goes you need to talk more about the fragrance and i'm like fuck sake like i don't want this whole video to be about this fragrance i don't mind speaking one or two bits about it but that's that's it so anyways i'll go right no problem next question i ask about the fragrance anyways another two questions go along and she goes again she goes talk more about the fragrance right and i'm not in the mood to sort of like back chat i've got you literally given like 10 minutes there's someone i'm not joking with a stopwatch on the side like you have your 10 minutes and he's on to the next person um and he was i could i he seemed to really be enjoying

himself having a good time you can see it in the video he's up for it um but then that third uh the sorry the second time that she she says that he starts going off right and it's not in the video but he starts going off in portuguese to her um and at this point i'm there like is he getting at me is he telling me this is shit what the fuck am i doing here look at this fucking nerd asking me these questions like that so that's what i'm thinking in my head is he bollocking her or but i don't know so i don't speak portuguese i ain't got a clue so i just troop on through vietnamese you'd have been fine obviously i'd have been sorted uh but he doesn't speak vietnamese so that didn't happen i'd have given a go if i was you i'd just be like yeah is that vietnamese i jump yeah you guys speak vietnamese how's your russian

yeah uh i get to the end of the video and i stand up i pack up the stuff and i leave out there like fucking hell that was a lot more traumatic than i had first imagined um and i get i get back to the hotel i'm like i need to know what he said in portuguese here because this is gonna yeah this this is he gonna make or break my image of ronaldo here either he is sound or he's just a prick so i sent it off to a guy that speaks vietnamese portuguese right he translates it for me nice and he comes back and it turns out now i'm gonna leave one part out of it because if my career ever does go down the toilet i'll be able to sell that to the papers right but he says something he go he goes stop fucking asking him about uh stop fucking telling him to ask about

the fragrance otherwise he's gonna come come across as a homosexual uh blah blah blah blah but like obviously this is rough translation right essentially what he was saying was that i was it was gonna make it seem like we were boyfriends i was moving to him like i was flirting with him about his smell and his fragrance right um and at this point i was there like right well thank fucking god what a fucking weird bit of logic from him that is yeah yeah well how many how many goals you scored in the champions league and god you smell nice cristiano yeah so anyway yeah that was that was that and i was just there like i was so relieved that he was actually back in my corner. And he just essentially told that lady to fuck off

and stop interrupting the video. So that was really sound of him. But yeah, there was just like this bit. I was there like, I didn't feel as though I was moving to it. This woman wanted you to do something. You didn't want to do it. Well, and Ronaldo didn't want you to be forced to do it yeah so that's interesting for fuck's sake i'm saying you know can you say it in vietnamese

no it's about pay a few minute like it's all pay a few yeah yeah stinks it stinks to the cheers to you guys um but yeah that's's my Ronaldo story. So me and Ronaldo, we're not in a relationship as he made clear. I think that might have been lost in translation a little bit. Yeah, yeah. He just didn't want,

he didn't want me to flirt with him anymore. I think that was the vibe. Were you trying to suck him off or something? Was that what the video was? No, but that's what the lady wanted to see. And that video would have done a lot better. Excuse me, love.

Stop sucking his dick. We need to talk more about the fragrance. It's too much cock goblin going on here, love. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take that cock out of your mouth. You can't talk. Put the cock in your ass. Yeah, that's lovely.

Talk about the fragrance. Fucking smells lovely. Are you all right? We all know that I'm not. Is he trying to get a new agent a new perfume agent Adam we've got you

another audition I'd love to do the voiceover for like a perfume at first oh yeah yeah if Neil's watching and he does watch sometimes Neil

I genuinely did have a voiceover agent who got me that audition Neil Buchanan Neil Buchanan he left Art Attack and he went into voiceover management

I would love to do a like a scouse voiceover for perfume they just say like random words like like like passion yeah passion yeah but integrity the live of birds obsession castle street the hoover dabble hang on you don't bond our church no what that's not a perfume advert that's like that's like a perfume advert. The Docs. That's like a weird tourist board advert. Gino De Campo's restaurant. You just got him. You go walk him round. I'm so lost.

I got lost in that. Adam's releasing a perfume. Right, okay. If you could ask him about it more, that'd be great. Stop flirting with him, Cal. Have you, the essence of the Mersey, smells like the docks um we we do would you rathers on here because this is a really serious podcast

yeah and uh i'd like you to you know take it very seriously if you could daniel johnstone not the goat not the goat Wag Lids, another little Would You Rather here. Would you rather now, this is the only form of transport you can use. You are banned from all other forms of transport. You've just got to have one of these forever. Would you rather your only mode of transportation be

a donkey or a giraffe? Can't wait to see you both on tour. You've got a choice? Make it. I mean, donkeys are just traditionally more of a transport animal than a giraffe is, aren't they? Oh, yeah. But they've got the experience. Yeah.

There's no giraffes on Blackpool Beach. That would be phenomenal. He deals in facts. I mean, I'd go, I mean, I think a giraffe is a lot handier. Yeah. I think you could do quite a lot with a giraffe with a nice handier yeah I think I think you could you could do quite a lot with a giraffe with a nice long neck

poor ex-husband yeah I mean I'd struggle to get on the fucker could suck you off though you could fit it all the way down do you think donkeys

haven't got a big enough throat for Dan's dick is that what you're both claiming there's only one way to find out there's tadpoles out there that could suck Dan off well I need a form of transport Is that what you're both claiming? There's only one way to find out. There's tadpoles out there that can suck that off.

Well, I need a form of transport. I also like blowjobs. Two in one. No, the giraffe. It's easier to park your donkey. Like you can't put a giraffe in a multi-story. Bend down. No one in the history of thinking about giraffe and donkey transportation has ever thought about the parking.

Yeah, yeah, get a donkey in a fucking multi-story. Long-storied history of people thinking about giraffe and donkey transport. Listen, I think you ride around on a donkey, people think you've gone religious. You're like, you know? To Bethlehem. Yeah, there's a little bit of that i think if you ride around on a giraffe people think you've lost your fucking mind

well paul smith's got a lamborghini adam rose got a fucking giraffe you're at hot water tonight adam i am just looking for parking use the ncCP I can't It's a fucking giraffe You dickhead No I think you're going to look Like a fucking Tory On a giraffe What? Nah

Donkeys are working class I think you look cooler On the giraffe Because people are going to be like Why? Where did you get that from? Like Everyone knows

Where you got the donkey from Fucking donkeyrides.com Are you going to get Some giraffe nature thing Like they're going to Like, everyone knows where you got the donkey from. Fucking donkeyrides.com. You're going to get some giraffe nature thing. No, you're going to get that either way. People don't give a shit more about giraffes than donkeys, do they? Yes. Fuck.

If you've got a giraffe, you're riding down fucking Duke Street in Liverpool, people will be like, he's nicked that from a fucking zoo. No one's going to be like, oh, shit, where did he get that donkey? That gives a fuck about donkeys. Are you getting a giraffe out of a zoo With no one noticing Open the gate What Big sheets

Oh I'm just taking this Radiator to get fixed Yeah Who are you saying that to What are you talking about Can't It's much easier to nick a donkey If I seen someone in a giraffe

I would assume Fucking hell They're hard to steal So he must have paid for it What amazing logic. That's the first thing you'd think. He couldn't have stolen that. It's a giraffe.

Cal Freezy's looking at it like, 30,000 YouTube subscribers. Good luck getting 40. No, you've got to choose the giraffe. It's a ball that moves in it. You get plenty of eyeballs. You can turn up to the club in a fucking giraffe In a giraffe?

Yeah In fact How about this A donkey fits One maybe two people on it I bet you could get six of the boys On a giraffe It's actually a good point it's a people carrier

You know when you're trying to get a taxi And there's like five of us Yeah right it's actually a good point it's a people carrier essentially you know when you're trying to get a taxi yeah and there's like there's five of us yeah yeah it's uber XL and if you ever get in traffic

it's a donkey XL just climb on it's head it's gangster as fuck innit if Drake turned up to a party in a giraffe everyone would be like wow that's so sick no one would be surprised

everyone would be like that's gangster that and if you rocked up on a donkey you'd think he's gone broke yeah there's something about it I think that's how much

of a bellend Drake is that if he rocked up in a giraffe you you'd think he's gone broke. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's how much of a bellend Drake is, that if he rocked up on a giraffe, you'd be like, yeah. Kanye's got fucking giraffe money. He's got zoo money. Yeah. I can't believe that got taken so seriously. Sometimes when I pick the questions,

I'm like, that's random as fuck. And everyone, I asked it, and some people are like, what? Sometimes it goes down like, why are you asking that? Today, everyone was like, no, giraffes and parking. Love it.

Ben Randall says, would you rather, hey lids, you live in a world where bank and credit cards don't exist. Would you rather, A, every time you pay for something, you have to fire it out of your cock. The money has to come out of your cock. You still have all the sense of feeling as you fire two pound coins out of your gentleman's eye eye i don't know if that we're allowed to say that that chap's eye c h a p s yeah that's much less offensive than your attempt chaps because chaps rhymes with the

thing that you're not allowed to say doesn't it so gentleman takes it one step further away from it which is definitely less offensive let's go go with Gentleman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went with Gentleman. He's put chaps. Oh. Right. I was trying to edit. Then I was like, what are you being a pussy for?

No. Gentleman. Gentleman's. Just cock. Gentleman. Your penis. Gentleman's oculus. That is, honestly, if you start riding giraffes,

start using the phrase Gentleman's oculus. It'll work. Walking around. All right, love. Look at me, giraffe. Do you want to see the phrase gentleman's oculus. It'll work. Walking around, all right, love. Look at me, giraffe. Do you want to see me gentleman's oculus? Get it out. Reving your giraffe. Do you need a fucking soldier by your giraffe?

What do you mean? Soldier boy. That's how you ride a giraffe. He's got one on low down One on the top Sizzling his head Me down on a donkey We'll get you some water in a minute Try and park that you fucking prick

Come on, five more minutes It's three after six You still have all the sense of feeling As you fire two pound coins out of your penis And the notes come out Like they would a cash machine or b every time someone gives you money you have to shove it in your arse like a dirty little money box big lovers always keep smashing it can't wait to see you both on tour

that's from mouth therefore easiest to shove stuff up your arse and have it fired out your knob but carl what do you think no i mean one of my biggest fears is kidney stones and i imagine this is kidney stones biggest fears yeah do you want And I imagine this is kidney stones. Yeah. Do you want to fucking play around with kidney stones? Those things will, what's that? I would be terrified to have kidney stones. Nevermind a fucking, the new pound coins with all the ridges as well.

No way that's coming out the top. Yeah. 50p, not the 50p. I'll just take the quid, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, if someone's like, oh, that's coming out the top. Yeah. And Christmas. 50p. Not the 50p. I'll just take the quid, thanks. Yeah. Yeah. If someone's like, oh, that's 50p, mate, you'd just be like, do you know what?

Have a quid, keep the change. Yeah. Oh, no, I'd pay him five pences. Pow, pow, pow, pow. How would you do Christmas if your nan's giving you 20 quid? A lot of five pences. No, if your nan's giving you 20 quid, it's an awkward Christmas morning.

Here's the way things are going. Like, it's all going digital. Eventually, you're going to have to fucking push out a picture of a sad monkey aren't you like you are I've got an NFT for that Lambo

there you go is that an NFT a sad monkey yeah there's loads of like chimps for some reason chimps is the choice

Justin Bieber bought one yesterday for 1.3 million US dollars a sad monkey yeah can someone make Adam riding a giraffe NFT

thank you very much oh yeah I think we should make a range of NFTs just saying can I just say I don't think you get given money much anymore

a lot of people just backstransfer you that's what I'm saying nans innit you don't have to shove 20k up your ass at Christmas you don't want that

yeah probably just what if your job was contactless just slapping it oh do that that's the old well that's what I'm saying

like if we're talking about the money coming from your knob surely we can now move into the digital age here and have the contactless little button innit chip and pin dick yeah

yeah love slap it down on the counter what's the 64 pound 50 can I just tap it yeah sorry love that's not gone through you're gonna have to put it in

do you have aubergine pay love okay yeah love there you go like apple pay but with the aubergine Just tap it, yeah. Sorry, love, that's not gone through. You're going to have to put it in. Do you have aubergine pay, love? Okay, yeah, love. There you go. Like Apple Pay, but with the aubergine. What happens with a refund when she's trying to refund you? You just turn around. Keep the change.

Well, for a refund, how do you get refunded? Yeah, she owes you your money then. I don't know, Carl. Just trying to make this thing work logistically. I think what you're trying to do is ruin the bit. Let's do some Havowords. Oh, I pressed the wrong button, you fucking penis. I've got no advice this week.

Are we just doing Havowords? Can someone produce some fucking... Some of these. Stickers. It came with a whiteboard that you threw in the bin. Let's ruin some lives. Have a word. All right, lads.

Sorry. Do you know what the have a words are? He listens to the pod. He's seen bits of it. Ow. So people write in and they ask us to have a word with their friends on their behalf. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. We do something similar, but it's like relationship advice. Yeah. These are often relationship based. You know, you can feel free to genuinely help or, you know, pass some judgment. Do whatever you want.

Or wait for Carl to ruin the bit. All right, lads. Absolutely love your podcast. Can you have a word with my work colleague? He listened to a podcast and heard them talk about these pills which make you cum more. He ordered them for £100 for two bottles from America. He now has to take nine pills a day for six weeks.

As he quotes, that's when I'll hit peak performance. All he wants them for is to make his girlfriend look like a melted candle. Fuck. Insane. Sometimes I don't read these properly before I do them. I...

All he needs is some full fat milk I just read and went, dick pills, this is going in Please note that these pills are not medically approved and they have no other effect bar simply making you cum more I've noticed he has experienced a few mood swings and actually has no idea what these pills contain, please have a word

Cheers, that's from Chelsea Is it magnesium? Zinc Zinc is tried and tested. Lord knows the fucking amount of liquid. I mean, it'll look like, you know, those really old Victorian candles where the wax has been going off for fucking centuries.

Right, okay. That's the image that you would get if you took zinc. What's got zinc in it? No, you can just take little zinc tablets. Oh, right, okay. Yeah, I try that. Why? I sort of get the jizz fantasy.

But there's the thing, here's my problem with it. The melted candle fantasy as it's now known. Yeah, the glazing. Sorry, Chelsea, no one's into this question. What you've done is gone, have a word with him.

He's taking pills for it and everyone's like, great idea. I need more cum how do you make more cum potassium zinc um do you get it though like the coming on the face thing are you into that like as a as a fantasy somewhere in your head there must be i don't mind i don't mind i don't mind it but it's not it's not something i'm there like every fucking night oh you can't do that poor soldier yeah but you don't want mich. But it's not something I'm there like every fucking night.

Oh, you can't do that. Like a poor soldier. Yeah, but you don't want Michelin star food every night, do you? Like you just don't. Why wouldn't you? Because you just don't. Every now and then you want a Mackey's. Right, okay. Well, yeah, in that case then, yeah.

Yeah, like it's a treat, isn't it? It's once a month or it's a birthday. You're like, hair birthday. Come on. What have you got me? Close your eyes. Yeah. Holy shit.

Pairty princess. Oh, start shaking the tablets around. No, I get it. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. Right. I think genuinely, and this is sort of men need to talk about to think uh it's been talked about briefly by other comedians before as soon as a man comes the fantasy doesn't matter anymore do you know what i mean it's all about the build-up and getting you there like as soon as you're finished that's why you can watch porn and

it's audible and you're like yes the second you're done you're like oh i soon as you're finished that's why you can watch porn and it's audible and you're like yes the second you're done you're like oh i need to be in a different room from my phone for like two hours minimum um like i could go two hours on my phone um but i think in his head like he's gonna be like yeah it's gonna be amazing it's gonna be loads i think if he just convinced himself there's gonna be loads of jizz when it just and it was just a little pip i think it wouldn't matter to him. No, but imagine the disappointment. She's there like, I'm buzzing for this,

and then, boop, and they're both just, now they're just staring at each other going, what the fuck are we doing? This is really, now, you see. So you think she's really excited about this as well? She's going to get just a little bit of jizz. If you've got the right one, then, then they'll be absolutely buzzing.

She's going to get a little bit of jizz and be like, do you know what, John? Really let me down there. It's going to be too easy to clean this up. Right. I suppose this must happen. There must be guys who are like, this is it. I've waited a week and a half.

I've backed it all up. What do you get excited for? That's not a question you should ask. What do you get excited for? Dan's a kinky bitch, you know? Yeah. Well, I think we should... But I don't get the face thing. Do you not?

Genuinely, I've never got it. Is it a one-night stand? Because if it's your girlfriend, and then what? You're going to go and meet your nan in the next day. Oh, hello, love. You should probably don't do those days back-to-back. Just separate it, do you know what I mean?

Maybe not. You should be able to separate your sex from your relationship like in terms because otherwise you've got kids no i'm just for all the weird i've always done that as a thought to be honest yeah sorry to interrupt you but like doing really kinky sex with someone that you think you're gonna end up with it's just something yes i don't ever want to look my son in the eye and be like i've fisted your mom but so so you're saying you wouldn't have kinky sex with your

I just think I don't know I would but I think there's limits to where I'd go whereas if I'm single and just experimenting and I know it's not

going to go anywhere I'd go a lot further I think I don't know I think it's when you trust and then you both enjoy it

incising to Carl's life fist away possibly I think we've talked about this before. If you're in a relationship and it's loving, you can get up to all sorts of nasty shit. If you're both into it and you can click it on and off,

that's cool. People make their own deals. If it's important to you or whatever, this is just weirdly something I have never given a fuck. I've never come and gone, God, I'd really like to see more force from, like, I just don't care. It is what it is.

It's just a function of feeling good. I've never, ever thought I literally want to drench someone's... Do you reckon you could do that and, like, you can higher your chances of getting pregnant? What? Because there's more. Yeah. I think the more the...

The more the merrier. But I think to Chelsea's original point, don't buy weird pills from America where you don't know what's in them because that can't be good, can it? Maybe zinc supplements, that sounds natural. Although don't go in Holland and Barrett and be like, hi, I'd like to jizz heavier.

Well, you're going to need Omega 3, 6 and 9, zinc and fuck off. My co-host actually bought dick pills that went by the name rhino xl and i have a feeling and it was from america as well and he said it was like their equivalent of the boss man sold him it i sold him he said he gave him the look and we've spoken about this on podcast. And he said he's yet to try it out of fear of what this fucking pill is going to do. But what I will say is he said he's going to do it and we'll report back. I reckon it could be carnage, though. Rhino XL.

So somewhere in his house, in a cupboard, he's got Rhino XLs just ready to go. Well, that's what he said. He said it's going to have to take a certain moment. And I i said when do you know the moment's gonna happen he said you'll know yeah when you get a type of lady back and she's a rhino xl girl this one i agree with him i think when you know you know when you know you need your rhino xl dick pills you just you'll have a moment where you're like it's now today's episode is sponsored by Rhino XL. When you've got a rhino kind of girl. What is it like Viagra? Look, the boss man pitched it

as if it's an all-in-one type of job. You know when you get the cold and flu and it says it does everything? I imagine this, but for your dick. Yeah, it gets you hard and clears your sinuses. Yeah, well, it clears that sinus. I think it's meant to make your dick bigger as well. Oh.

Well, could you imagine if it was called XL and you just ended up with like a tiny cock? You'd be fucking fuming, wouldn't you? You'd get a big rage in our dick, but do you reckon it stays? There's a fucking strong pill in it. I think I've made a mistake here. Okay, no.

Right, no XL's done me in. Often with these things, like they apparently do work, but then it's like that for like 48 hours. Apparently, yeah. Yeah, so like genuinely, so you can't really do anything for two days. Yeah, I've had Viagra and you bonk on it and you're like, oh, it's going to be amazing.

And then about an hour and a half later, you have a weirdly sore penis because it's still erect you just that's the thing exactly what you were saying before about looking at porn you're like oh this is dead dirty and then when you're done you're like i don't want to do that anymore when you've stopped bonking you just want your dick to be like ah good night and when you've had viagra it's still like all right do you live with a bit of guilt is there a bit of guilt that you know after you've had a wank and you catch yourself in the mirror and you just

you just feel really that bad about yourself is it the same sort of feeling but with Viagra do you look down and you go I'm ashamed to have fucking whacked out

I had such a moment of this the other night you know I sleep on my front so it's just uncomfortable it's like it's planking yeah

I had such a moment of this the other night this is horrible so I've got a mirror At the top of my stairs And I have to walk past it To get to the bathroom And I

I just I was tired and in bed But I was like I think I just It's been a few days And I just need to get The demon out of me And I did it

On the stairs? No in bed No honestly I thought you had a stairs wank No one in the history of Wanking Should have had a stairs wank I don't think I have oh god lucy

pender was there once though so yeah that's true in my fantasy um but yeah i had one i realized i had no tissue and i was just naked in bed so i finished and then i had to sort of like limbo walk to the bathroom and i just caught myself in the mirror limbo into the bathroom to clean it up and it was honestly one of the worst moments of my life it's just a shame it's the intense shame that you feel it's just like because I literally looked like I was trying to limbo under a limbo stick yeah because I was trying to make it not drip so I was just like and I look I caught myself I was like oh you're a piece of shit you the bathroom cleaned it up I was like what are you doing?

It's been a rough start to the year. Anyways, to answer the bloke's question, take the pills, see what happens. Yeah, take them and feed back, write back in and let us know. Because if this works and there's no health complications, what are you saying? I'm curious to know if it is. So Chelsea, find out if he dies or not

and then write back. Yeah, I don't want me third vaccine, but I do want dick pills. You could do both. Rhino. You could double drop. Ooh. Drop a rhino.

I love it, haven't we? There's literally, that half a word has been totally rejected. She was like, I'm really worried about my mate. He's taking weird dick pills. And everyone's like, yeah, no, actually, mate. Taken. Taken.

He didn't write in. you should take him for your dick what's your name chelsea see what your dick does amazing we're all gonna get dick pills rhino x hell you say have a look yeah it has been an absolute pleasure having you then thank you very much for having me i am so glad to say that i have been on this podcast and yeah we're very grateful for you thanks for coming down can you tell everyone where they can find you and your all brilliant podcast the fellas podcast yeah so got a podcast called the fellas and then on youtube it is just cal freezy if you just type that in hopefully i pop up and yeah thank you boys and you're on Twitter and Instagram and all that shit. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Just Cal Freezy just for pretty much everything. Absolutely. Pleasure as always. Dan, what would you like to plug to our audience today? What's going on in your life? We have got the Ghost Hunt Mark II, and it is out right now. It came out, if you're watching this,

on the public release on Monday, the 7th of February. It's been out a couple of days. We spent a lot of money. We did a lot of traveling. And I did something that I will take to my fucking grave. And things happened that will live with me for a while. And Carl C., my dick. I actually, I caught a little glimpse of it.

A very little glimpse of it. I wish I'd had Rhino XL. Is this OnlyFans or Patreon? Which one are we plugging A very little glimpse of it. I wish I'd had Rhino XL. Is this only fans of Patreon? Which one are we plugging here? It doesn't matter. I just want money. I want to rent a trampoline park on my own. Also, so if this has gone out publicly,

then we will have announced something at the roast show that will now be on sale on Patreon. It might already be sold out by the time this goes out but again that's on patron it'll go out publicly on wednesday we've got something coming keep an eye on our socials patrons will already know about it by now and on top of that by the end of next week i think it's very possible we've got the biggest announcement it might be two weeks but by the end of next week or the week after we will have the biggest announcements that have a word i've ever made and when you think about the past 18 months and what it might be two weeks but by the end of next week or the week after we will have the biggest announcements

that have a word I've ever made and when you think about the past 18 months and what we've done the shows we've put on the studio build and all that sort of stuff

if we get the thing locked in that we're aiming to get locked in fuck me in the ass and call me Sally

I can confirm what you told me is pretty incredible. We're getting a giraffe. Get on me. Lee Carsley.