Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #159 Have A Word Podcast x Two Pints w/Will & Ralph

Episode Date: February 14, 2022

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The link is in the description of this episode. That's me done. Me gone. Go ahead. Get on me. Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally?

Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo.

This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. The other day, I was quite worried my little brother was a paedophile. Like an actual paedophile for a bit. How long were you worried for? A few days. Oh, shit. Yeah.

Got a phone call on Sunday that if the details of it were correct would mean my little brother Jack is a raging nonce. Raging? Yeah. Not even first-time offender, like raging. And it took a few days for me to sort of remember that I needed to deal with it, and then I did. Right.

Yeah, let's track this back. Four weeks earlier. I think Jack and a lot of his friends will be listening and watching right now. And we need some clarity on this. So you know the day we did the roast? Yeah. By the way, that will be going on Patreon

in early March. It was fantastic. Enjoy. So good. I got a phone call in the day. I was in Arquette buying myself a fresh new tea. Lovely. For the show. And my dad rangquette buying myself a fresh new tea. Lovely.

For the show. And my dad rang me and he said, Adam, I've got something to tell you and you need to come and see me now. Drop whatever you're doing. Come and see me now. You get two of those phone calls a day though, so that wasn't the big show.

Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah. My dad is old and losing his mind. And that's one of the things that made me calm because I was like, oh, maybe he's just made this up. Right. So he goes, I've got something to tell you and you need to come and see me calm, because I was like, oh, maybe he's just made this up. So he goes, I've got something to say,

and you need to come and see me now. And I was like, well, I can't. I'm at work. I've got to go to work. Big night. Can't do it. He's like, you're going to have to drop it and come. It's so important.

I was like, what is it? He goes, I can't tell you over the phone. I was like, why? He goes, well, who are you with? I said, I'm on my own. I wasn't. I was with Alfie. And he goes, I've had a letter saying Jack's a paedophile. A letter? Oh, no. Handwritten? wasn't i was with alfie and he goes i've had a letter saying jack's a pedophile a letter handwritten oh from the the department of pedos it is a fine isn't it the first offense is a fine that peter's awareness well her majesty's hmdp her majesty's department of pedos you're

gonna step on the story because this is incredible right so don't step on the story. I said pedo awareness course. Carl! Your first offence is a pedo awareness course? Hey, this is serious, you big boots. So he goes, yeah, I read a letter saying Jack's a pedophile. And I was like, who's the letter from, Dad? And he said, the Department of Justice, right? Right.

So I went, right, okay. I went, what's it say? It says he's been accessing many pictures since October and videos of children getting... Bummed. Sure. What did your dad say?

He didn't say bummed. I'm paraphrasing. What's... Long nose line. Elicit indecent images. Oh. Maybe. Oh, yeah.

That's the exact turn of phrase yeah so i was like right that okay and in my head i was like that can't be real he's obviously just having he might be a bit drunk he's tired he's not being well i'll figure it out in a couple of days it's a weird i'll figure out tomorrow because i thought it was going home yeah usually they're like oh someone's stealing from me not like oh i've got a letter from the Department of Justice you know it's quite an elaborate thing isn't it yeah so I thought

genuinely he'd made it up I thought he just was having a senior moment I suppose and I was like right so I was like

right I'll go and see him tomorrow which was Monday but I didn't end up going home on Monday I stayed an extra night in the hotel I had another

little night out with Alfie and Binti and stuff from Hot Water so then on Tuesday I went home Seeing our Jack and I was like oh For God my dad said He might be a paedophile

So I was talking to him Is it fair to say you have quite a lot going on At the moment that you were like Oh yeah My dad said my brother was a paedophile It slipped my mind And then you wonder why I bitch about the admin. Because imagine how far down the list it is.

Can you answer that email, Adam? Your brother's a paedo. Oh, I'll get to it. I'm buying fucking webs. So I went, oh, Jack, I'm going to... Because I didn't tell Jack. On the off chance it was a real thing, I didn't want to be like, oh, by the way,

my dad's had a letter about this so I said oh I'm just going to go and see my dad make sure he's alright so I went round and I was like you alright dad

he's like yeah I went show me this letter and I thought because he was of sound mind when I seen him I thought he was going to go what letter

and he was going to go oh I don't know what you're on about I must have been drunk or dreaming or whatever so he goes into his he put it in his coat pocket

in case Jack had gone round he didn't want Jack to see it and he'd put it in his coat pocket in case jack had gone around he didn't want jack to see it and he gave me it's a full letter like you have violated section thing this this this and this you can access some pictures of and videos of child pornography children getting bummed in the head all that nice big long thing verbatim but it's a scam and you can tell as soon as like you've got like a young person's eyes on it and not the father of someone who's been, like my dad's, I didn't realize,

my dad was basically having a full blown mental breakdown for a couple of days because he's like, whatever done, I've raised a pedophile, right? Yeah. So he didn't see it, but it's like,

go to this website now and it's like doj.info and then below it, it says, or use this one if that doesn't work right it's such a bad bad bad fake

but where do you think it's from it says the Department of Justice but that actually doesn't exist right there's no UK

Department of Justice there's the Ministry of Justice alright there's no Department of Justice this is from abroad innit and the letter starts eh eh and that's the giveaway

as well innit eh eh I seem to be just There's no department of justice. This is from abroad, isn't it? And the letter starts, eh-eh. And that's the giveaway as well, isn't it? Eh! Eh-eh! Eh, my mate. This is from the Department of the England of Justice. And this is from the Queen, who has instructed me to say,

your jacket is a beedle. Which is not, by the way. Here's the thing, right? Lads. So I said to my dad, look, what it's saying, Dad, is he's got to pay a 580 pound fine i mean that was like i know i was like well think about that if jack was accessing videos of children getting assaulted they don't go hey 500 quid and we'll call it quits they turn up and see the stuff he was like right and i went and also this is the perfect scam isn't it because if you get that letter and you're like i wonder if this is a scam you can't google child pornography scam so the amount of people they must

get with this who go oh fuck me i mean i haven't but fuck that and they just pay the money yeah it's i'll bring the letter i meant to bring the letter in with me today it's so funny how bad it is it's fishing blackmail yeah it's like a fishing blackmail like it's in the post though that's mad isn't it yeah that's old school huh yeah but it's also but they had jack's name yeah and his address yeah but you can buy that off companies can't you that's not the hardest thing to access yeah that's yeah that's mad enough it's either a scam it's either a scam or a prank. Like I said to him,

it might be one of your mates playing a prank. I thought it was that at first, like the panties in the post-prank. Yeah, there's no payoff on that prank though, is there? There's no... You know what I mean? I get it. It's the kind of shit you would do as a prank,

except as it plays out, you're like, lads, I've just paid 580 quid. You're like, yeah. Got your repeat, though. And I'm going on a fucking nice weekend with me missus yeah I love it how your dad was like

he's going to pay 580 where's he getting the money and he's a pedo that's a worry isn't it my dad was worried

he was going to go to prison for 10 years that's what he said I thought he was going to do 10 years I love it how your

dad was like there's no way he's paying 580 fucking hell he's going to for 10 years. That's what he said. I thought he was going to do 10 years. I love how your dad was like, well, there's no way he's paying 580. Fucking hell, he's going to do 10 years here. I love the Department of Justice. They're like, listen, you've been looking at kiddie porn. We need 580 pounds. That's cheap.

Otherwise, you're in trouble. Right, you've paid the money. Don't do it again. The pedo porn tax basically it's a pedophile isn't it yeah

for your cock yeah you've got three points on your pedo on license pedo license for your insurance

so just to clear up Jack Rowe not a pedophile I don't think so not proven oh no there's no evidence of it because all his mates

will watch this he's gonna fucking murder maybe you and me come on it's come on there's no evidence to support such a claim at this time

wow well I bet you've enjoyed the start of this podcast Jack what did Jack say when you confronted him with it he couldn't breathe for laughing yeah it's incredible.

So for a couple of days, you were like, oh shit, I've got to deal with Jack being a mess. No, I genuinely just put it away. I was like, I can't deal with that tonight. And then the Monday I was hungover, I was like, that doesn't exist. If you want to do a prank, you should get Adam's dad's address and just start sending letters about what

Jack's been doing. This is from the Department of Pandas. Jack Rose fingered a panda, and we're going to need £47.82. Otherwise, he's going to be prosecuted for fingering pandas. I don't even know how he got in Edinburgh Zoo. And they're famously frigid animals, so it wasn't even consent. No, they love getting fingered.

Oh, that's the problem. Pandas don't love full sex. I actually think it's because they don't fancy other pandas. I think they want to fuck other animals. Yeah. Like giraffes can fuck pandas pretty much whenever they want. Can they? Can they?

Carl! Did you give it a blow? Carl, I love it when Carl just goes, I'm going to play this one straight. Can they? I don't even think they're in the same enclosure, Adam. No, in the wild, I mean. Oh, in the wild.

Oh, those Indo-Chinese giraffes. Do they share the same habitat? No, continent. No, they don't. No, but giraffes will travel for that. Giraffes! Yeah, have you ever heard of the Silk Road? Well, if you follow it, there's also horny giraffes. It's the Silk Road to humans.

It's the panda pussy road for giraffes. I prefer panda pops. You can see all the way to China. Oh, fucking hell, look at that panda pussy over there. Where are you from, Mr Giraffe? Duffcott. Get on me. I used to be Adam Rose Motorbike.

From before. From before. Jesus fucking Christ. Why don't pandas bonk? What is it about? They're just a bit slow and lazy. It's like they're all just deep into marriage, innit? I know, but even like,

everyone likes to bang, don't they? Like, even the, you know when you see a couple and they're just, you're like, oh, oh, it's a lot. Like, just the size and just the general fucking mess of them. Maybe they don't feel attractive. That's a big thing for some people. Some people don't like having sex because they don't feel attractive themselves. And maybe pandas are looking at zebras thinking they should look like that do you know what i mean they're like i'm just a fat zebra no one loves me pandas have got body dysmorphia yeah like oh god i wish it was one of those

tall gay horses you need gokwan to get in the fucking enclosure and box them off gokwan it's all about confidence we went gokwan with chinese pandas ok Okie dokie. It's all about the confidence. Yeah. They just need to... All about the confidence. Got Guan. Stripping pandas for summer. You did TV warm-up for him, didn't you? Yes, I did.

Did you meet him? I kissed him on the face. I love that his name is so close to Cock Wank. Yeah. What? I love that his name is very close to Cock Wank. Makes me laugh every time I think about it

he gets paid a lot he gets paid a lot this cock yeah he kissed me because I'd just been I was doing the TV warm up and it was I was just sort of

like I don't know is he dead tall he's really really nice is he tall though because he looks like an absolute sense and a half yeah uh yeah he's not it's not a short person he's good it was good fun he looks like uh do you know our comedian friend jonathan mayer has sort of like cleaned his life up lost a bit of weight and he's got that international sort of can't work out exactly where he's from i think he is he part chinese and i don't know i don't you probably don't like him as a celebrity he's he's very likable as a person

like i've done tv warm-up for different bits and he he was dead nice it was a ropey fucking gig yeah it was a really ropey gig um but yeah he seems seems dead nice. His full name's Cochran Wang. His name is literally nearly Cochwang. It's one letter away. Cochran Wang. He's Chinese, yeah. All right.

Well, yeah. Have you done any weird, like, like warm-up gigs that aren't comedy? Have you done, have you been asked

to do that, like, real away day sort of, because i did the john bishop warm-up that was so easy after three i got on the telly i got on the tv show they're like this has been great because obviously when you do the tv warm-up the cameras are rolling because like the cameramen are getting the light in everything so everything's rolling so the tv producers are all sat there it's the 15 minute it was so good

i love guys like john bishop who are like right stand-up show people are coming on to do sets and what they did with john bishop's only joking in the edit they cut it all up so it was like it was almost like they played tag on the subject matter so if one person had a joke about like shopping the next person had a thing about like going to the shops it like moved on like that but on the night it was just people doing 10 15 minute sets they they said to me like just do 10 literally so chilled out like almost like a comedian running their own comedy like do 10 15 yeah yeah so i was like 15 all right and they were like and what none none of that like get off now or keep going it was just like like, yeah, do 15 and get John.

John's ready when you are. Just get them where you think they need to be. It was fucking brilliant. And on the, we did Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and something else was being filmed on the Thursday. And the last night of the filming was Friday. And my agent got a phone call on the Thursday and they were like, they want Dan on the show because John Bishop had made my life so easy

with the way he'd set it up. I got to look good. And I'll say this about John Bishop's fans they're dead nice they're like I like John and I like comedy I would imagine that some comedians fans can be a bit snobby yeah like I don't I've never done a warm-up for Stuart Lee and I love Stuart Lee's comedy I don't know if I would love doing warm for his fans they're like real comedy they I don't know if I would love doing warm for his fans. They're like real comedy. I think they rate themselves as comedy aficionados. Yeah, they think they're like, oh, did he just do a punchline?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. No, no, no. A little bit obvious. Saw that one coming. And then there's other warm-ups like Gok Wan where, like, oh, you do that thing for John Bishop? You can do Gok Wan? And you're like, it's not. I did like a thing after the news

so they did the news and then I went on to the audience and did stand up about the news the Tez's thing no what's this

the ITV news at 10 Trev MacDonald it was it wasn't it was after I know it was ages ago what were you I don't

go on I thought it was Trev MacDonald know it was ages ago What were you I don't Go on I thought it was Trevor McDonald But that was ages ago Go on No You make It was now

You make it hard To call bullshit sometimes Because you like I can't decide what I can't I don't believe you They were like So you know the news

At 10 on ITV They have an audience Is it I can't remember his name I didn't meet the news guy go yourself i'm not messing i did five before the weather no they do the whole news show hey adam have you got any stuff about the weather because don't do it because it really pisses off the weather people so i have to go on after the show and be like and do topical stuff about the news to the news

audience i only did it once i don't know whether they ever had done it before or after. I think it was like a new thing they were trying. It was when I first signed with CKP, which is now Blue Book. It was one of the first things they got me. That's it. There's no big story to it. But I don't know if you're being honest. They did the news.

Not the actual 10 o'clock news the 10 o'clock good evening pedophiles yeah good evening pedophiles jack's like what this one's for you you're not a pedo yeah um yeah it was it was a concept show was it that they were gonna know it was the news the news doesn't have a studio audience adam the itv news attenders what the itv news attend has an audience what kind of bad gimp do you have to be to be on the waiting list of the itn news you got tickets yeah yeah got tickets yeah yeah yeah there's about 120 of them like four little bits of 30 like on a right and they literally just sit and they're like there's no sort of it was a weird gig i did all right it's a weird gig well i don't think they were expecting

me but the thing is though the news ends late oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh thousands died in a terror attack today in Syria oh and by the way everyone's got AIDS again oh and cancer's worse than it used to be and oh by the way someone found a lovely plant pot in Tunbridge Wells

it's Adam Roe it's in that it's that quick as well I think what we've learned there is that Oh, by the way, someone found a lovely plant pot in Tunbridge Wells. It's Adam, though. It's that quick as well. I think what we've learned there is that Adam doesn't concentrate to the news a whole lot. Lowe's dead in Syria. AIDS is back. Cancer's worse. But AIDS is not as bad.

Plant pot in Tunbridge Wells. That'll make you feel better about Syria, cancer and AIDS. Maureen's found a plant pot. I'd fucking lost this. Ladies and gents, welcome on stage with his plant pot anecdotes, Mr. Adam Rowe. You're being silly.

I'm not. What did you get paid? 500 quid. Oh, nice. Something like that. Extra 80. The producer went on after the thing and was like, ladies and gentlemen, that would normally be the end of the show and stuff,

but we've got a comedian called Adam Rowe who's written some topical jokes about today's headlines. I love how much he doesn't believe it. Can you remember any of the topical jokes? I don't. When was this? Like four years ago? 2016.

2016. Late 2016. Oh, five and a half years ago. No, early 2017. It was early 2017. Five years ago.

Five years ago. So what was in the news five years ago? Steve Bruce? Steve Bruce. He was attacked, didn't he? No, well,

definitely wasn't that. I can't remember. Syria. AIDS. Cancer. Steve Bruce. It might have been the Syrian AIDS, cancer, pandemic.

Steve Bruce pandemic? Yeah. Yeah. Steve Bruce was sent there. Cancer's worse. To try and sort it out, wasn't he? How weird! He just edited everything.

God. He was editing nukes away. Fuck off. Clear that. Send that right back to fucking wherever it's from i don't want to be politically insensitive fuck off back to iran they fighting that was right steve bruise heading a nuclear warhead back to iran it's on point well i still don't believe you but it yeah did he kiss got gwan that's the question sucked off damn it man yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and what's christian guru murphy yeah murphy but not murphy murphy christian guru murphy like it's funny murphy and what's Christian Guru Murphy yeah Murphy not Murphy Murphy

Christian Guru Murphy like it's funny Murphy jokes you've stumped me for bullshit don't know what to say it's impressive I enjoy when something's real

and you don't believe it because it means I've bullshitted so much in the past oh so much successfully so much have i tv made anything that's funny ever like i mean i'm their comment their attempts at comedy do they ever work have they got one person involved in making comedy on channel three harry hill cv burp yeah yeah yeah well no all they did with you be framed no but all they did with you'd be

framed is go oh it's gone shit harry can you save it and he's like yeah cool harry hill's tv used to be fucking unbelievable yeah but that's yeah that's they basically backed harry hill didn't they yeah do you know for that he just got all his mates from when he started out in stand-up and they just got sent hours and hours of videos and they were like we just watch this and write some bits about it sick i'd love i love hearing stories like that so there was just a team and he just went back to his mates it would be like the equivalent of adam getting tony carroll and lewis calver to do the writing for something he's like could you send these in when you've got when you see anything that's like remotely funny and they had to watch hours of like emmerdale and then that's

how he put the show together so fucking funny yeah that's sick that i really like it when people sort of get opportunities and they give them to their mates their day ones do you know what i mean yeah because there's two types of mates in comedy isn't there there's the mates who you make as you work your way up and it's it's born out of yeah you get on but it's also like a mutual respect and a lot like look at you and alfie like best mates and it's you know you're obviously both liverpool fans and you get on but it's also because you both like respect each other stand up and then there's the then there's the back in the day boys like brennan and peter way are the non-scouts OGs for me because I started with them.

But like this podcast, I was doing loads for that. Like there's so many people I feel really good mates with because of this. Like I feel quite good mates with Finn Taylor now after the other night.

Mark Nelson's the same. Vittorio, didn't even know him before we started this. Me and Dean Coghlan are becoming like really good mates. Dean drove me to Oxford last night. I had a work in progress in Oxford. Went down with Dean. even know him before me and dean coglan are becoming like really good mates oxford last night i had a work in progress in oxford went down with dean he's running that new comedy night

with me uh first tuesday first tuesday of the month phase one i'm just i asked dean if he wanted to be involved and he's helping run the door he's gonna come do some tour supports with me he's getting strong you know he's so good because i went i've been going on at these work in progress and going hi guys just so you know i'm gonna do an hour in a bit uh but for now i've got a mate with me and he's going to do and look that's all i do i don't compare it i just go on and go i'm here be back in a bit dean's great watch dean and he's going on cold as fuck to do 20 and but also there's loads of good acts knocking about but there's also i mean yeah he's getting better and better that's great but i know loads of good but knocking about, but there's also, I mean, yeah, he's getting better and better.

That's great. But I know loads of good, but then who do you want to hang out with? Who do you want to back? Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not just because the Mild High Club work with us. I really love Amy and Dean. I think they're good fucking people. Yeah.

And he's a grafter. Like, he put something online the other day about all the dates he was doing. So not only do I like him, he's dead sound and he wants to be involved, but he's working his fucking nuts off and he lives near me and he drives and oh well ishan ishan i had never met ishan when we started this podcast and now like we speak on the phone we message all the time we've become like really good mates he's doing about eight of my tour supports which is actually him doing me a bit of a favor really because he's doing about eight of my tour supports which is actually him doing me

a bit of a favour really because he's got a bit of a following himself but he's not he's just dead sound and he wanted to come and hang out and yeah

we've made some amazing friends from the pod like the same like I didn't really know Alfie that well worked with him a few times done a couple of weekends

with him but now because of hanging out with you. And also us. You two are best mates, but I mean, now this feels like band of brothers shit, doesn't it? Absolutely.

Feels like we've been each other's lives for ages. We've gone from sort of colleagues that like each other to like groomsmen at wedding level shit. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like in the space of two years. No, it's sort of the unspoken thing with this pod. I just wasn't getting a lot of fucking time with the boys. I've got mates.

They're all over the shop. They're doing their own thing. When you get to 40, people are having kids. I've seen my mate Matthew twice in two years. But since we've been in the studio last year and a half, fuck me, am I getting my quota of hanging out with the boys

and like the piss take? And like, I don't know Steve that well, but now we've worked together for six months. We're mates. Like I fucking, I know I give Finn loads of stick,

but I love him. Like taking a boy to mass tonight and the same with Steve. Like me and Steve were both Carl's mates and sort of knew of each other and that, but it's just like the other nights in pop world, usually it all got off and it was just fucking me and him

for about an hour and a half. It's one of those things where you've got to watch where you have a family and it's important to be there and whatever. And I love doing it, but you hanging out with the boys is good for you.

It's really good for you to have that valve. Like you think there's people who watch this podcast who probably don't like, oh, it's a bit much. Oh, I've watched it a couple of times and I like the stand up. Oh, the voices. The shit that is said when these mics aren't on. Holy fuck. You honestly like, oh, have a word have a word a little bit raucous

for me you have no fucking idea like carl particularly since the start of the year yeah it's great fun fucking love it well i always think whenever a comedian gets in trouble i'm always like imagine the person complaining had access to footage from the green room from before they went on stage yeah you're not like a comedy club yeah yeah you're all trying to top each other but there's not all dressing rooms are like that are they no no sometimes you're like i don't know you you see my eye you're on the bill that's good but you're not in the circle of trust you're like robert de niro with. See what this is, Greg? Yeah, it's something I didn't realise

was important. Do you know what that should be called for comedians? The slayacle of trust. Who will you say a slayer in front of? Mine's quiet.

A bit of a tight hole. It cars my ass all that. Oh. I won't do that anymore. Oh dear. She gets fucked a lot. Oh. Oh. I won't do that anymore. Oh, dear. She gets fucked a lot. Oh.

Oh, it's like the cameras are off. Now's a house call. I'm quite successful now. My mum's going to go, she doesn't really know what we do, but she's like, yeah. I'm going to check in one time. One day she's going to watch.

She's not getting 26 minutes in, is she? No. Mate, if your mum got past Panda Pussy... Yeah, come on. Just turn it off, Mum. Old Margaret... Why are you watching this? Margaret Regler.

Come on, old Maggie Regler. That's her name. Babs. Barbara Regler. The house is superb. Carl's got a house, ladies and gents. He got it. He's done it.

He's moved in. Have you had a shout wank yet? No. These don't exist. I know. Nobody means. They're solely for hotels. I've still got neighbours.

No one shout wanks. You might turn the volume up on the porn. I've shared rooms next to him and I've heard them like, Yes! Yes! I own this house! Free hold! I haven't done that yet, no. That is...

I just twinged my back doing an imaginary wank. What's your... Where'd you go to with your shot wanks? What do you mean? It's not exist! No, it's not exist! It's just silly! You mean silly!

No. Now I think he gets all sexy and gets into it. Oh, yeah. I'm loving it. Oh, I like that donut! Yeah, it. Oh, I like that donut. Yeah, I like that. I like that donut. Dirty bitch.

I like that. I like that. Ooh. He does a racist shout, wank. Al Pacino wank. Oh, my God. I got a great ass. Oh, no.

Oh, here we go. One comes on ass in a minute. There you go. Oh, that's disgusting. minute. Hey, go. Ah, that's disgusting. Oh, oh God. But yet the house is lovely. You just, be honest. Yeah.

Don't look at him, look at me. Okay. You have never had a shout wank. No. No. But I know what he meant, like when you're all like- No you don't, this is silly. No, it's not.

And it's funny, but he's being a silly. No, it's high. Ha! Yes! No, I think it's at the point of ejaculation, maybe. Like, oh, yeah. That is actually what I mean. Yeah.

Ah! Do you know like when you've had really good sex? Shut up! No! You've only had really good sex. Different. Different. No, it isn't. It's only different because of where you are. No You only have really good sex Different Different No it isn't

It's only different Because of where you are Listen Right When you have really good sex And you've been going for ages You know when you finish And you're like

Right Sometimes If I'm alone I've got the house to myself Or a hotel room And I treat myself really nice And I'm tickling me balls As I'm going and all that stuff

Right And I've really edged it Where's the porn What's the porn? I'll just lean it on the thing or my laptop yeah. Or get on the desk yeah yeah yeah or the projector you know. Projector? Because you're in the conference suite. 12 30 till 1 30 it's been booked by Mr Asim Rao. Oh god I don't know. He must be having a business meeting. God, there's just him in his dressing gown. Ah!

Ah! She got a great ass! I don't know why he needed PowerPoint setting up. Oh, my God. PowerPoint would be great. Next slide. With a pointer yeah

if I've treated myself right and I've edged it long enough and it's a release then if I'm in a hotel room then I'll shout

as I cum it's not like a it's not a word it's just a release isn't it it's a cum it's a cum noise get out

get off me oh hey whoa are they are they it starts as a oh and it becomes a ow Get off me. Oh, hey. Whoa. Are they? Are they? It starts as a, oh, and it becomes a, ow. Oh, man. Oh, fucking hell.

Oh, God. Get out. Fucking hell. Is that a coronation speech? That's definitely best passes me getting a massage from a fucking sports therapist. Shame. Shame. Shame.

I've got a little bell Shame The only time I've ever made noise Is when I've accidentally Jizzed on like my breast Or something And you're like Ow

You've never done that That's daily for me You know when you're like What's your average What's your long jump height Like what's your What's your PB Right

What's your PB Imagine a pensioner Falling over onto some padding That's what That's what my jizz does have you never gone past your own head but there's been

there's been a circumstance I've come in my own hair this week I can see I wonder why that fringe was looking so strong how the fuck did you come in your hair

you have to bend it over your feet and I was like oh and I caught myself off guard and it just went you caught yourself off guard

well I didn't expect that I thought it was going to be another 30 seconds so I didn't expect that. I thought it was going to be another 30 seconds, so I didn't have time to aim it at the towel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Towel. Oh, God. What's wrong with that?

I just got out of the shower. I was putting the towel in the wash straight afterwards. Yeah. He was in a hotel as well. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's on the beach. On the beach. the beach nice breeze just there it goes sorry mate off to tunisia

the jet stream just takes it oh the house is great yeah i love it nice house is it yeah great great great well very happy builders uh builders up if you could let me know if you've ever shout wanked The house is great Yeah I love it Nice house is it Yeah great Great great Well Very happy Builders Builders If you could let me know If you've ever shout wanked I don't want to see evidence It's not throughout the wank

It's allowed I get it You just let yourself Make the noise you would make If you were with a woman There you go Yeah Oh there you go

Just imagine your hand Is a wet ass pussy Pussy You ever slapped your own ass Showing a wank Yeah Oh Barbara Regler I hope you're still not watching

Fucking Tunisia You've slapped your ass You've slapped your own ass Showing a wank Yeah Oh yeah yeah yeah Naughty jockey Yeah

Oh Yeah I'm like Racing to the finish line Nearly there Nearly all the vowels disabled countdown um yeah yeah what you're about to say what i saw I saw you clock it. Yeah. Because I think when you've done disabled count,

you're done. I didn't do warm down for the news. Of course you never. Dammit, man. I did suck off, dammit, man. While slapping his own bum. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to let you know about our lead sponsor,

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Hack away. It is actually the best thing I own. It is. 100%. Action! Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Take two. Eh! Action! action oh oh oh

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hang on go do the clap go do the clap go on no you've got pluralized oh you've got pluralized right ready

ready we're usually better than this guys come on boys so come on boys come on boys i've never left that i've never ever met welcome back to the have a word podcast is a very special public episode where we name barbara ah you know wanted to do barb Barbara Regler and said her name wrong. I keep calling her Barbara. That's not her name. Her name is... Barbara.

Barbara Regler. It doesn't matter what she's called. It matters how much she loves cock. And with that in mind, we're doing a big blind date show at the Auditorium Theatre at the Arena. Is your mum going to apply? No.

Barbara Regler. Barbara Regler. She loves the dick and she loves the auditorium. arena. Is your mum going to apply? No. Bobba LaRiegla. Bobba LaRiegla. She loves the dick and she loves the auditorium. That's what she calls a fanny. Because the queue, they need some seats. And the queue is quite long.

She stands upon the stage. What's going on here? And takes all of that schlong. It's not the fact your mum's fanny is known as the Echo Arena. It's the Marks and Spencers. It's the M&S Bank Arena, thank you very much. The M&S Bank Fanny. That's what the arena is called.

Your mum's is called the Echo Arena because inside it's quite cavernous. And it echoes. Your mum's is called the MEN Arena because that's what it's full of. Men. No, she's dead. Well, it was full of her. Okay. Full of men.

No, she's dead. Well, it was full of her. Okay. We've had all the Anne Rowe jokes we can handle for this year. No more. That roast was brutal. So we're doing Half Blind Date because old Rowe Baggs is single again. He's putting himself back together.

And what we'd like to do is monetise his loneliness. So we are doing Blind Date. i am cilla blacking up and by that i mean i'm dressing as cilla black i'm not trying to end my career um finn is also going to be one of the contestants and young stee in the corner i'm good lauren patterson too we're going to get three men for her lauren patterson 2. The sequel. Yeah, she's coming. Three men for her. I think she'll interview them. And knowing Lauren and how she is, she might go, how we are. Take the foot and lawyers.

How we are. How we are. Say it better than that. So we're going to do stand-up in the first half and then we're going to come back and do blind date. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud. We've sold and then we're going to come back and do Blind Date. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud.

We've sold so many fucking tickets already. I reckon this will be the busiest ever blind date. I don't think this many people were at the recording of Blind Date. I also think the roast we've just done might be the most well-attended roast in history. I also think the roast we've just done might be the most well attended roast in history. I genuinely think also. There was 750 odd people

at the roast. There's going to be well over 1200 at this. Can we start doing ITV game shows now? Yeah. Gladiators? Lidiators?

Oh my god. We just get like Is this the future? Can we get athletes We're just coming up With random shit to do 90s TV shows Like Lidiators

Yes please And we do it in like Like a Ninja Warrior course The price is right But we can The Showcase Showdown We can get all our own stuff I want a boat

Let's get blind dates Out the way first Can we give Bruce Fawcett up Yeah Absolutely We don't even need any makeup. Can we...

Thanks, man. Sorry. He's dead. He's dead. Can we sell this one first, though? No, but... Can we sell blind date first? So what can we do?

We can do Place is Right, Gladiators. No, we can't sell this one. No, I asked about selling this one. We're already bored of this show. Strike it, Lucky. It's only been on sale three days. We'll ask Michael Barrymore. He's always getting mentioned on this. Yeah, it's a nice callback three days we lost Michael Barrymore he's always getting

mentioned on this yeah it's a nice callback he might actually golden balls he might be bookable he might be

oh my god he would be as well he'd do it but blind days anyway doing blind days we sold well over seven tickets

well well over seven if you were thinking we only sold seven well over seven we sold 750 in about 10 minutes

and then we've put the rest of the room on sale it holds 1200 by the time this goes out publicly they might they will probably

all be gone but have a look the tickets will be in our pinned tweet will be the blind date ticket link so go to

at have a weird pod on twitter and check it out there everything's in the description the ticket link will be the blind date ticket link. So go to at Have A Weird Pod on Twitter and check it out there. Everything's in the description. The ticket link will be in the description. On the audio, it will be in the description. On the YouTube, it will be in the description. If you tried for tickets, if you're a patron

who tried for tickets and thought they were sold out, the company that we're working with to promote this show didn't realise how many tickets we were going to sell in the first half an hour. So they were like, oh, they've all sold out sold out and then we went have they all sold out and they were like no we didn't put them all on sale we did a pre-sale and we were like well don't do a pre-sale release all the tickets so i think some of the patrons thought they'd missed out on like minute eight i got one email going it's 16 minutes past one and it's sold out so you can still get tickets

if you're watching this on the early release, there's a chance there's some still available. Pubes, if you're watching on Monday, hopefully they'll all be gone, but give it a try. If you're looking at the auditorium and going, oh, that's near the back. If you've never been in that room before, there's no bad seats. It's a very, very intimate space for helping you.

They're all very good seats. There's no bad seats. Oh, I'm at the very back. You're not. You're know you're still so involved yeah they're really good the drum seats actually right at the back are actually some of the best seats in the house it's the room that i supported a young comedian from liverpool in just a few years ago called adam rowe and i remember walking out in front of 1200 people thinking what the fuck has this cunt been doing i should start a podcast with him um it's an amazing room it is a fantastic room so if there are any young ladies

watching who are fit as fuck and has got a pussy or men who are fit as fuck and you've got a big fat cock Adam's really trying some different things isn't he 2022 apparently bit of an open book

I like it so me finn stay lauren patterson there might be another couple of guests confirmed if you want to apply to be one of the contestants if you can't remember blind dates got a lot of young listeners as well if you can't remember blind date what happens is one of us so the the the person you know me finn stay lauren and maybe a couple of others one at a time will be sat on one side of a screen we won't be able to see around it on the other side is three people and we will essentially interview those three people we will say like if you were a cocktail what would you be and why and all three have to answer and as the it goes on we we pick one of the three to go on a date with that's blind date go and watch old episodes

it's a proper classic 90s show it was massive um we need the people who are going to go on a date with. That's Blind Date. Go and watch all the episodes. It's a proper classic 90s show. It was massive. We need the people who are going to be on the other side of the screen. So if you fancy a date with me or Finn or Stee or Lauren or anyone else we put on, get in touch. The email is hawblinddate at gmail.com. So it's H-A-W from Havowood-a-w-b-l-i-n-d d-a-t-e at gmail dot com get in touch as soon as possible Carl and Dan are going to vet them and fuck me are we putting a lot in their hands fuck them

yeah you'll also be part of the live show we'll sort out some travel expenses you can have a plus one you're going to be a VIP for the night you'll watch the show basically from the side. We'll get you loads of drinks, bit of food and all that sort of stuff. Also, also, also, also.

And you get a chance to get fingered by Finn. Sorry, go on. If you're the lad who's like, I'm going to play a fucking joke one. We're going to need to like do a little bit of vetting. So don't waste your time. Yeah, you'll be sort of interviewed by Carl and Dan. Only send genuine things in, please.

We get it's funny, but. It's just not funny. It's going to be a lot of way. Are we allowed in June. Only send genuine things in, please. We get it's funny. It's just not funny. It's going to be a lot of wear. Are we allowed to ask for a picture? We need pictures. We need videos. We're going to have to Zoom call them. Videos?

You're probably going to have to Zoom call them. Yeah, videos as well. All right, cool. Send a picture. You're more likely to do that. Send the picture and then we will video call you. Send us a link to your Instagram. That's the best way to do it.

One of the team will follow you and you just have to accept it if you're on private yeah no random tit pics no yeah but yeah don't be like i'm a lad this is funny no one's asked your ma yeah apart from the lads that are replying to for lauren oh yeah apart from the lads yeah yeah don't don't apply for your apart from if you are yeah then do yeah yeah yeah yeah. Don't be like, I'm Sally with big tits. At the minute, we need nine girls, three for me,

three for Finn, three for Stay, and we need three lads, but we're hoping to get... And a couple of backups, I think. We need backups for the night as well, in case one of them...

You've got a chance. Yeah. Very exciting. And we're not going to take the piss. No. We'll help, like... And if you're like, I can't write the bits,

we're going to make sure you know what you're doing and you're happy and it's going to be fun. It's going to make sure you know what you're doing and you're happy and it's going to be fun. It's going to be great for people to be involved in. And I'm hosting. It's not like,

we're not, it's just going to be a laugh. There'll be writers involved. Don't feel pressure. Yeah. Just be comfortable. I'm very excited about it. It's just going to be,

like all of our live shows, it's a celebration of all the jokes of the pod. It's going to be the biggest live show we've ever done. Yeah. Like numbers wise. And you can be a part of it.

Yeah. And then. Preferably be single as well. Because I don't want to be like. Dealing with someone's angry husband. Outside the fucking arena. Then we'll do Don't Try This At Home. And if the women who are applying with me.

If you want to bring your plus one. And you want to make it a threesome. I am open to that. Right. That'd be nice. Yeah. Or, four of your friends

and we'll have a gangbang and you can all fuck me at once. I am looking forward to vetting these. If you're a twin, please apply. Why? Because I can get twins

and you won't know they're twins and you'll be made up when they're twins. I don't think twins like fucking the same guy. You know, they're sister and sister. Different things.

I assume. Oh, different days, that makes it all right yeah so yeah i am open to gangbangs is all i'm saying as long as it's 12 women and me i'm a selfish guy i mean have a way of blinding there's enough room to go around at what point to go around nailed it i wonder what point of that line of 12 women Would you just be like Sorry girls I think I'd need a snack

What I think I'd So the line for your dick Right Rose First girl She's having a great time Second girl

Probably maybe even Gonna have a better time You know once you've got That excitement one out Do I have to And then on the third one Do you need a snack Before the third one or not Do I have to do i have to finish each time yeah oh that's different oh yeah yeah

so does it go first girl second girl third girl shoo my fourth girl is that the fourth girl's name and we don't discriminate what we don't discriminate well you do this year um yeah I don't I don't think you could get past girl four

Nutri-Grain Bardo unless it was just all like wow just grabbing things yeah that's what in my head it is but that's just you

lying down and getting molested by loads of women isn't it what's in it for them cancel it cancel the whole thing. Well, I was at the Adam Rowe gangbang and I didn't even get a tit squeeze.

I was waiting behind the girl that was just getting her tit squeezed. I was like, love, are you just going to hog that hand all day? No, look, if it does happen, I guarantee everyone gets at least a squeeze. You can only get like three or four girls around you. Imagine if you lose your temper with squeezing tits like you did at Pop World after the roast.

Oh, that's enough. I've squeezed enough tits now. Let me have me night. Just want to listen to Bewitched on my own. All right. Fuck off. Get on me. Just to make it clear,

if you're applying for Blind Date, you don't have to gangbang Adam. Just want to underline that. Oh, and also, the dates will be recorded afterwards. Yes. We're going to set it up, so it's going to be... Yeah. It's going to be in a restaurant or bar,

and it will be in a control room. Fernandes! No, it's not. What? What a boring date is that? No. They're going hovercrafted. I was just going to say we were going to set Passage a la Chateau

and have a date. Bore off. that's not what they did on blind date they set them off on fuck fucked up date i think we should do you're going hovercrafting we should do near ronco gender neutral rugby trials okay that's the date we're doing right the budget's getting bigger we need yeah we need more applicants we need gender neutral rugby trialists. No, they don't need to be gender neutral. No, no, no, no. They don't need to be gender neutral. So it's not non-binding rugby?

No. It's trials for a team that do not... Pass the ball to them. Judge on gender. Right. Oh, great, great. That'd be awful, wouldn't it? That'd be hard.

Them on. Them on, them on, damn on! You don't know if it's more than one person Pass it to Zay! Pass it to Zim! Ooh, pronoun fun Are you looking... Can Finn have the mic, please? Can you?

Are you looking forward to it finn yeah it's going to be interesting isn't it obviously adam stated his preference for you know slags for a gangbang but what are you looking for ideally knowing that uh carl and i are going to take vetting these ladies remarkably similar um no just i'm a i'm a brunette man, I won't lie. Oh, right. Oh, you're a brunette man. I don't care what hair colour you've got, as long as you've got hair. Where? Not on the head.

I wonder how much it would cost to book Gail Porter. Or Ross Kemp. It's going to be weird. It is going to be weird because of how many people are there. But as long as I don't make a tear out myself i think it'll be all right and even if you do i'll give you the squeeze thank you from before and i won't ask what steve's type is because he fucks anything you know international steve oh my god Oh my God. Oh, come on.

He knows it. You know. Absolute player, lad. International Steve. That'd be a fucking great nickname if that stopped. International Mr. Oh, he's got, you need a new dresser. I'm not Mr. Worldwide.

You need some merch with different flags from around the world coming out. Steve. Mr. Worldwide. International Steve. You're a fucking man. Let's do some. Bloody hell, Carl. Let's do. Let's do some of them.

Do you have advice? You feeling? I can have them for you. I love the night? I got the album here. I love the 90s hip-hop, really. A little bit of G-Funk. Oh, listen to the funk of the G-Funk era. Every day of a malefic look in the mirror. And I see motherfuckers trying to be like me.

I tried to take a minute to sit right there and tell you how to get into the town club, LA. Blahblah. Advice. Alright, lads, anonymous please. Been meaning to send this for a while. to take a minute to sit right there and tell you how to get into the town club blah blah advice alright lads anonymous please been meaning to send this for a while don't know if it's an agony or a confession

it's an agony I'll let you decide I've decided so basically so basically look at me so basically I've got two kids

with an ex basically basically I've got two kids with an ex. Basically, I've got two kids with an ex. After the second child, I decided I didn't want any more. So I had the snip. Myself and baby mama then broke up and I was single again. I met a girl and we're pretty serious. Living together and now we're engaged. But I've never told her that I've had the snip.

Now she wants to try for kids. At first I was like sound. Try all I want. Sex on tap. But now I feel guilty because she thinks she has an issue and that's why she isn't getting prego. She wants to go to a fertility specialist. I could try and get a reversal but that would mean telling

her in the first place. Or do I just carry on? Need some help here. Lids. What is the snip? They cut your bell end off. They cut your pipe so that your cum just leaks into your balls instead of coming out your dick. I thought they cut your bell end off. They just cut your bell end off. They just chop your dick off.

She hasn't noticed it. Rub your mouth on me, babe. That's why I call him Joe. Ge g hi joe do you think you'll get the snippy at any point no laura's got the snip oh of course yeah there's so many reasons to love my fucking wife but we were in there baby came out and then they were like no we'll do this snip snip syringe not syringe quarter got the fag proper knotting I'm like

fucking hell do you want any more little ones no hang on they're done in you go where's my fag

she's done now she's out of the game she's neutralised and you're always fertile as well yeah

to like the age of 90 odd. Oh. Yeah. You are. You can have a baby at any age. You don't want to though do you? No I don't. Two lovely babies.

That is all. End of babies. I would. If we got pregnant again. I would get on to Joe Hughes. Oh, Joey Hughes! You need legal representation. Oh, your lady got the snip and you fucking left one in her,

and now she's having a baby. Sue the NHS with Joey Hughes and Vinnie Solicitors. You fuck! I think it's gone past what we asked for now. I'm just becoming, like, counterproductive. Vinnie Solicitors, where do you want to get off with? I think it's gone past what we asked for now. It's becoming, like, counterproductive. I don't give a... Many solicitors, whether you want to get off with murder or you want to kill your ex-wife and get away with it,

most people say they're the same thing, but not here. Not here. One's a murder, one's a conspiracy to commit murder, but we'll treat you exactly the same, and it's just £200 or £100 if you give us a shout out on your podcast. 200 pounds to get you off of murder? It's a fucking belt, a solicitor.

And we also represent Dedicated Metairie. Never come into the club. I would sue the NHS. I'd go, and I love the NHS, but I would want reparations. Of what? If Laura got pregnant oh right

you'd want what it costs to have a kid isn't it 18 grand a year or something? yeah but then that's about the emotion I would be a very different

father for justice I'd be like I need you're paying for this isn't it a Peugeot a year? that's what they say it costs a Peugeot every year to have a baby

yeah that's what they say I'm sick of hearing it I wish they would stop saying babies cost a Peugeot every year to have a baby. Yeah, that's what they say. I'm sick of hearing it. I wish they would stop saying, babies cost a Peugeot a year. Is that the guy who plays rugby? Paul, are you... Is that who says it? Have you got like a...

Is everything all right? I'm excited. Are you going mental? You know I'm excited. Oh, today. Come on. Oh, it's the day, innit? The absolute boys in him today.

He's just got to... He's got to tell her. No, I think he's got to die with the lie. And when he goes to the fertile clinic and they're like, he's had the snip, he's like, oh, I don't remember. Must have done it in my sleep or something. Heavy sleeper. If he likes this woman and he wants to keep her,

there's no way he can be honest and keep her, so he needs the lie. Right. Can we work on the lie, though? I think I must have got the snip in my sleep. I had a really vivid dream about driving to a fertility clinic and like waiting for an appointment i was in a waiting room um say you forgot say you forgot you had the snip apparently it's i don't know they go in where did they go in? Where do they go in? Up your arse. What? They don't. Do they? Of course they do.

It's shears. No. It's shears. Garden shears. Yeah, fella. What's the snip? What is it? How do they do the snip?

Oh, the vasectomy. It's a procedure for male sterilisation. They tie the urethra. Oh. They don't actually snip. They just tie it. That's why they're reversible because it's just a knot.

Like tying your laces oh you learned you learned knots as well in the fucking girl guards what did you go to yeah i went to girl guys they get a scout to do it they go come on little timmy come in i went to tie this fella's cock gender i went to gender neutral brownies tie his cock tie his cock Oh, you've got the cock tying badge. Well done. Sew that on. Being unusual beavers where you were getting fucking badges for that. Euthanising nanny. There you go. There's another badge for that.

Changing a carburettor. Hate crime. All the different badges. Fingering a pigeon. There's a weird one. Has to leave the senator for that one. You stop the sperm, get into the man's semen, the fluid at the edge.

So you can still jizz. Yeah. But it's an inactive jizz. Been deactivated. Yeah. They yeah they're just yeah i'm not doing it well i don't want more babies though apparently it has absolutely no effect but i just if you can avoid having someone yeah tie knots in your dick do you know what i mean yeah i don't want to not in my day yeah i get it fair point i just don't would you take a man pill yeah

but I have the same side effects as women have like bloatedness and emotions and shit well I don't feel enough and I'm always bloated so that's sorry for being flippant about being a woman there emotions and shit cry ass twats here she is all bloaty

with her emotions fucking moody zeppelin I was just trying to be concise not flippant I apologise

we're trying to be precise we're apologising about that wow alright trying to be really specific

bloaty twats would you take a pill that stopped you being able to conceive yeah I suppose if if in what circumstances would you instead of the woman I mean Would you take a pill that stopped you being able to conceive? Yeah, I suppose. In what circumstances would you?

Instead of the woman, I mean. Basically, he's saying it's about time that the burden of contraceptive is taken away from the female body and given to the man. It's about time that we change the way the world is because a lot of pressure put on women, Dan, especially in this day and age. And they have to bear the burden of making sure that people aren't getting pregnant. Yeah, well, they aren't getting pregnant.

That's why there's a burden, because it's them that gets pregnant. You both get pregnant, don't you? Well, okay, yeah. It's hard off the man. I know what you mean. I just... I know what you mean That's just Yeah That's a side effect The pill

The pill's really bad For women Yeah it's awful Like long term Yeah It's linked to all sorts of Shit innit That's what I mean

It's not ideal Just come on That's it That's a good comment I just have to I That whole thing about I just can't pull out

I don't it just feels better to leave of course it does but I mean how many Peugeots could I afford

even as a young man I was like I ain't paying for a Peugeot you could have two Peugeots how old's that five you could have

six Peugeots yeah I'd rather have six Peugeots than your daughter and Jack as well and there's another one 7 Peugeots because he's one isn't he you could have 7 206's just

clogging up your street not even good Peugeots Peugeot 106 Mardi Gras my first car could have been a kid what do you want you a kid what do you want you're 17 what do you want a sun or a Peugeot 6

1 or 6 Mardi Gras fucking love that car it's brilliant it's really disturbing when it exploded on the motorway because I didn't realise you had to service cars

in any way just thought you could keep driving them my service light's been on for a while now. No, yours is a new car. It's new but it still needs service. It's lazy. What's he going to do here?

He needs to lie. But she's going to end up in IVF and he's going to be like, you're probably all fucking messed up down there. But then also, if she gets pregnant while this is happening, he knows she's cheating. So that's worth the investment. There you go.

There you go. Let's turn the suspicion on the woman in this. There you go. You know what, lad? You're doing nothing fucking wrong. Apart from being

horrible and deceitful, really. But she could cheat on you even though I've never met her and I haven't heard anything about her and she essentially sounds like a victim

in this situation. Fuck her. Yeah. Knowing how much Laura loves being a mum, it's the most important thing in her life and she would boot me in a fucking canal to have in front of the kids any day of the week. Of course she would boot me in a fucking canal just to have in front of the kids any any day of the week of course she would i think he's got to be like right babe i back myself in a bit of a

situation and here it is yeah and then they just rectifies it like if they don't want to be together he's already lied now the trust's already broken guy with no get the secret reversal that this is where the right thing. This is where, the right thing to do is get it reversed. But then your dick's going to be out of, you're going to be like three weeks out of the game. So the lie. Book a holiday.

Going all day, yeah. Yeah. Or say, oh, I got kicked in the balls at work. Or say I got kicked in the head at work. And then when she's like, hang on, you've had a fucking vasectomy. You never told me. You'd be like, oh, Joe,

when I got kicked in the head, I forgot loads of stuff. How? Fecal amnesia. I love you. You're like, I just like a slight bit of, yeah. I've got a head trauma and a vasectomy. Oh, I was a heavy sleeper as well.

I've got a vasectomy in my sleep. Sleep vasectomy. Get the reversal. What could put your dick out of, for three weeks? For three weeks of like, you can't go anywhere near me, I've got really. AIDS.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You might have overshot the lie. Accidentally cut it with a knife while you're busting your toes. We don't need to. So you come down in the morning. Come down in the morning. Say I was just, I woke up starving. Didn't have time to put any und come down in the morning say I was just I woke up starving

didn't have time to put any undies on come down I was just putting oh fuck yeah I've cut my dick that's gonna be

one of the lowest points in your life when you are you can hear it on the landing and you're downstairs you get the lure pack and like sort of

put some on the side and then and then you've got to like spoon in the toast and then lie next to it and go oh babe oh it's got to spoon and the toast and then lie next to it and go, oh, babe!

Oh, it's vigorously buttering the toast! You don't need to do it while she's there. You can do that while she's at work and just say you've done it. And don't look at me and say I'm embarrassed.

I'd want the scene. I'd want the scene. Just play 14 and say you got kicked in the end of the day and the doctor says it's a mum fault. Pulled dick.

I think the holidays are a good one. Classic, dick. I think the holidays... Classic, innit? When they're going through the team sheet for the match on Saturday. Oh, the left back, he's out, got kicked in the dick on Wednesday. Nightmare.

Two weeks out, dick strain. You can actually look like a really good boyfriend, yeah? A really good one. Book a three-week holiday with your mum. Yeah, babe. Fuck off. Off you go, Benidorm. Three weeks in Benidorm! Chef am I three weeks in Benidorm

chef holidays three weeks in Benidorm you only pay for two wow yeah it's expensive it's not three weeks in Benidorm

is like four quid three weeks in Benidorm sounds so not good that she might refuse the holiday bought your holiday with your mum three weeks in Benidorm

go fuck yourself yeah okay then we'll send her to the outback or Thailand or with your mum, three weeks in Benidorm, go fuck yourself. Yeah. Okay, then we'll send her to the outback or Thailand or something. The outback. Three weeks in, she'd be dead.

Which outback? The Merseyside outback? Warrington. Australian outback. The Australian outback. Yeah. It's a lot to explore. With your mum.

Yeah, I love, I love you. Go and fucking get lost in the outback while I fix me cock. Reversal. yeah I love I love you go and fucking get lost in your back yeah while I fix me cock reversal

if he's not doing the reverse he needs to go listen because undoing a knock I felt like a shit I felt shit lying but er fucking I'm sorry

I've had a vasectomy I'm gonna get reversed try again do you reckon they just tie it once do you reckon it's just one knot the other day or do you reckon it's like trying to get your Christmas lights out

from the loft and pop them off what took us three hours once yeah do you reckon it's just like a load of doctors there just all in a line just like trying to get your Christmas lights out from the loft and put them on. What took us three hours once? Yeah, do you reckon it's just like a load of doctors there, just all in a line? I pull that through there. Go on, put that over.

Yeah. Over. Because surely one knot's not secure enough. We've all had a shoelace come undone and make us look a fool in public. No, but a kink in a hose fucks it up, doesn't it? What? If you get a kink in your hose, do you mind just kinking?

All my hoes are kinky, actually. I didn't know how it was going to come back, but it was clearly coming back. A kink in a hose. It was a good cross. Kinks and hoes. Kinks and hoes. Open goal.

Yeah. Well, good luck, Lyd. Will you tell us what you do genuinely I'd love to hear if you want some more horrific advice haveawordpod at gmail.com

we all certainly have a words should we do a quick have a word before the break have we got time not really got time have we

no the boys are nearly here oh fucking hell leave that to the end lad very exciting I'm so glad for you it's like you fucking it's genuinely like fucking it's genuinely like fucking

Christmas like we grew up watching these two lads and well our friendship is based on under the bus based on friends try and get David Schwimmer

I used to think this was insane bullshit when he said stuff like that now I'm like yeah probably happened there's a gap in March oh yeah

today's podcast is sponsored by the subscription coffee service Yeah, probably happen. There's a gap in March. Oh, jeez. Today's podcast is sponsored by the subscription coffee service, Packed Coffee. I like the coffee. It's very good. Award-winning speciality coffee. This is going to be a fun advert. 100% speciality grade, freshly roasted to perfection for your order.

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reading that's how good it is dream Woo! Dream on, Zia. If there's ever an excuse to drink on this show, ever, I really always enjoy it. I'm just having two pints. Oh! With the last of the two pints! Yeah! Yes, yes, yes!

With our joint parts. Have we figured out what we're calling this joint part? Have a two pints word. Have a two pints and a word. Have a two pints word with Will, Dan, Adam and Ralph. Have a word with two pints of lager. Yeah! Have a word with two pints word. Two pints and a word. Have a two pints word with Will, Dan, Adam and Ralph. Have a word with two pints of lager. Yeah, there you go. There you go.

I've got a pint. Have a pint. Have a pint. Or two. Have a pint or two with the lids and the lads. You're suffering. Yeah, I'm not drinking today. At the start of every podcast, I give him shit for not drinking.

Listen, I'll tell you the truth. He said to me the other day off air, he was like, stop doing that, it's really boring. I was like, have a beer then, you miserable shit. No, I'll tell you the truth. He said to me the other day off air, he was like, stop doing that. It's really boring. I was like, have a beer then, you miserable shit. No, I do have a beer. Listen, I found out that he's been putting water in bottles of beer and pretending it's beer for fucking years.

All he wants to do. What? Yeah, exactly. He was going, cheers. All over Zoom in Death Empire. Cheers, cheers. What are you drinking? It was 7.30 in the AM.

I've got to tell you, I've been putting water in it it's been 10 minutes fucking are you going to sell me out for having a can of coke it was 7.30 in the morning give me a break two heavy hands not as good is it

no I'll tell you the truth the truth is I had a few last night and I'm a bit and I've got this head cut yeah I went to

Wayne Rooney's premiere last night of his documentary was it good what's his documentary about about him about Wayne Rooney yeah about last night of his documentary. Was it good? What's his documentary about? About him. About Wayne Rooney.

Yeah. About his football career or his... Everything. No, honestly. What? He goes to Amsterdam. He's proper honest with it. He really goes in. Yeah, man.

No, it's really good. It comes out on Friday, I think, on Amazon Prime. But it was a free bar and I had to indulge. Of course. And then today I just thought, I can't face a beer today. I'm trying to do one day on one day off that's how you know one day on one day off there's people who do that with

the gym you know yeah well do you know what it's just so easy isn't it just to get into the rhythm of going what time is it why are you trying to do one day one day off like what's the thinking just because i'm getting old and once you get a bit older The guy who's had water in a fucking bottle of beer. Once at 7.30 in the morning. Give me a break. You're not sitting here with the lads having a podcast going, give me a can of Coke, will you? It's just, I'm trying to get my blood sugar levels up with my Coke. And I just thought, today I just don't fancy it.

All right, all right, all right. That's all it is. I feel like we're bullying you a little bit now at this point. It's a pleasure to have you in our studio, but this is our first ever crossover episode. I was too, isn't it? First ever. Like X in the middle.

Yeah, yeah. We're delighted to be. Oh, yeah. So it's H-A-W-X-T-P-T-P. I lost trail of what you were talking about. Are you okay? I just went off

into a thought. You're just hungover, aren't you? No, I'm not just hungover. I've got a head cold, thank you very much. Oh, my God. This guy needs superfet. Possibly got COVID, so you're all riddled now hungover. No, I'm not just hungover. I've got a head cold, thank you very much. Oh my God. This guy needs- Possibly got COVID, so you're all riddled now.

What? No, I haven't, I haven't, I haven't. To be honest with you- Breathe on me. I'd love five days at home. Do you want COVID? It'd be great. Why?

Oh, it's just- Have you had it yet? No. You've not had it? Three jabs and no COVID, but it looks like today's the day. Thanks, Mello. Yeah, yeah.

I did find out my wife had COVID last night. What? No, shit, you know. What the fuck? I said, listen, we've been- And you're the Wayne Rooney Premier. I've got COVID. It's Wayne Rooney, love.

Come on. No, I think that's real. It's very real. I didn't find out. It's a lot of Derby stuff. I had to put my daughter to go to school in an Uber this morning because my wife couldn't take it. That is the most first world problem I've ever heard anybody say. I had to say, go to school in an Uber this morning because my wife couldn't take it. That is the most first-world problem I've ever heard anybody say.

I had to say, I don't have an Uber. She's not four. She's 13. But the fact is, I didn't find out until last night. My wife sent me, she went, oh, by the way, and I was like, I'd come home, but I'm here with you lads. See, I could have cancelled, but I didn't. I'm here.

You couldn't spring for, like, a limo or anything, like it was a prom. No. Send her in an Uber. She's got an Uber X, that I didn't. I'm here. Ah, come on. You couldn't swing for like a limo or anything. Like it was a prom. Send her in an Uber. She got an UberX, that's it. Do you reckon Uber will sponsor us? Oh yeah, sponsor. Yeah, Uber. Uber.

It's always been a fan. Always been a fan. If you have a daughter that you need to get to school. And you can't be asked. Uber. And you were busy at the Wayne Rooney premiere. And you can map them on the way and make sure your child is not being stolen.

Yeah, exactly. Or goes to school. The fuck is she doing in Poland? You're paying for that as well. That's still on the map. You've let him get that far. He's not checked in. He's in the fucking channel tunnel.

What's the wrong way? That kid's seven hours late. This is the first time I'm checking. That's like a 13-hour drive or something. I probably should have checked in earlier. She should have been home five hours ago. She should be doing double maths right now. Callie.

Lads, pleasure. Been sort of talking. These are so excited. These are so excited to see you so we've never met before will no but we me and carl met ralph a few years ago on a story that we've told on this podcast before and we told you that night like there's two shows that yeah me and carl went to school together but we really became mates when i moved near him in like six form and we sort of bonded over a love of two pints and friends there's a

better word there's a better phrase for that isn't there your your friendship was forged in the fires it was absolutely i saw that i was sent the viral clip of you telling this story because everyone was like you got a name check and have a word pod and you like a kind of a douche when our friendship was forged in the fires and everybody went, yeah. And everyone went, is that the first time you've been called a douche? And everyone went,

exactly. It was like forged in the fires of two pints. Everyone's like, what a prick. That was like, I'm not, don't want to do this podcast anymore. I was cooled in the pond of Midsomer.

Anyway, so your friendship was forged in the pond of Midsummer Murders. Forged in the fire. So your friendship was forged in the fires. Of two planes. In the furnace. And then, so we'd always watch it together and close it with each other all the time and still do now.

And they do. They do a lot. Whenever there's a sentence and everyone's laughing, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? We've got listeners, because we've spoke about this on this show before, on Have A Word. We've got listeners who've written going, oh, I love it as well so what me and carl do now every night

we'll just drop a quote in from the show no and he's got no fucking idea what's going on and then we get messages going ah you got that again didn't see that one i was doing a lot of clubbing in the early noise i was about to say the unspoken part of this is that you never clearly never watched it it is a pleasure to see you guys my name is ralph this is how you avoided it it was repeated that was about eight times a day but i am it's like it's i'm just brilliant this is what this is like a make a wish for these two knobheads i am dying as well so it's good to finally have you you are the dolphins that they are swimming with it's really nice to see. I'm like, aw. So we met Ralph

at the Comedy Store in Manchester in maybe 2012, 13? Something like that. Something like that. Seven or eight years ago. It was my very first open spot. You're not getting paid. It's just you're doing 10 minutes

to see if you're good enough there. And you were there with Adam Bloom. Tom Stade was also on the bill. Ian Coppinger was also on the bill. And I can't remember the other guys so I was filming in Manchester and like for some reason

Adam Bloom who's an old old old mate of mine from back because I did I did a show called Edinburgh Nights in 2002 where I interviewed

all the comedians so that's how I know like all that generation of comedians I kind of know them all that was a fucking great show just getting into comedy

and I was so geeky and Adam Bloom was like the cool little one exactly the first person i interviewed like when he had peroxide blonde hair i was like 22 and it was like hey man they're all i love the whole family and everything and it was just what an amazing gig for a 22 year old just to swan around edinburgh and meet all the comedians and it was absolutely class so because i was mates with adam bloom years later he's gone i'm in manchester are you about i went i actually am he's like i'm doing a comedy store gig. So I come down to the comedy store and this little Scouse lad wearing a jacket

that's very much too small for him and doesn't quite fit around his tongue. Do you remember that? A blazer, when you say jacket. A blazer. It was a blazer. A little blazer. Like a logo t-shirt.

You know like when a young comic is like, I'm a t-shirt comic, I'm young. What, it's the comedy store. Gotta dress up a little bit. And he had more, he clearly not worn a blazer for quite some time. It was brand new. No, then he clearly not measured himself for quite some time

or was in denial about his sizings. You've got to go small on the blazer. Otherwise it looks like you're wearing your dad's blazer though, doesn't it? Well, it looked like he was wearing his son's blazer. Right, okay. That was the issue. Anyway, so we meet and he's like oh hey nice to meet you backstage like backstage before

the backstage which is downstairs at the comedy store manchester and i'd brought carl and a a mate of ours and at the time your colleague sean was with us and they just got tickets because i was like oh tom stayed on the bill my first gig we'll have a little night out in manchester afterwards and you've got to understand, like I'm 12 years into comedy now and meeting people that I've watched on the telly and always respected their work, that gets more and more common

as you do more TV work yourself and you're mixing certain circles that happens. This was two years in and I literally say it was forged in the fires, boys. Forged in the fires, yeah. So to walk in that green room and for you to be sat there knowing he was upstairs

Was just fucking So I go up and I went to him Lads you're not going to believe Who is downstairs in the green room And he went who And I said Johnny And he went

Schumacher Who's a friend of ours I was made up I love Johnny So I was like You're asked to see Johnny again Like Ralph Little Like Johnny

And he went no he's not and i went no he is and i'm not proud of this ralph but when i come back down i have to take a very sly picture of you from the couch and send to him be like no he is actually yeah that's amazing yeah but the story of this night so first of all you by the way i could you could have a hundred years to guess where this story is going. And I guarantee you would never fucking get it because I'm still not entirely sure it's true, but do carry on. And then we'll discuss that afterwards.

Okay. I wasn't sure it was true at the time, but go on. So the first bit, which on a message to me, once you found out and you've been tagged in it, that you denied, which I know it's a little embarrassing for you.

It is a hundred percent true. The shoelace thing. Oh yeah. I thought he playedelace thing. Oh, yeah. I thought he played it off, though. No, he did. But it is true. Right. It did happen.

I just remember the playing it off bit. So here's what happened. Thank you, Carl. So we go upstairs to the comedy store bar afterwards. And obviously, Ralph Little's in in Manchester. So as well as all the comics being there you've just been on no one's got a fucking interest in any of us they all want to come and see ralph and then this woman comes over and she's like hi yeah you're okay and ralph went yeah yeah do you

want a picture and she went yeah but not with you and she come to me and was like you were really good and he just pretended to tie his shoelaces so what happened was i wouldn't have gone yeah do you want a picture because like you never mug yourself off that much. But I did the gesture of going, hell, I actually went, excuse me. And then I had to go, oh, shoelaces. These have been here tying for a couple of hours. I finally got these, so that was mortifying.

Anyway, it gets a lot worse. Oh, there's more? Oh, there's a lot more. Oh, we're getting there. We haven't started yet. That was just a little appetizer. So this family come over, it's a lot worse. Oh, there's more? Oh, there's a lot more. Oh, there's quite a lot. Yeah, that was just a little appetizer. So this family come over. It's a man and wife and their maybe 18, 19-year-old daughter, right?

So they start talking to us. They're like, oh, where are you guys going? We're like, oh, we don't know. But at this point, the bar's starting to empty, and it's mainly just the comics left and a couple of stragglers. But these are sort of clinging to us. So we only went next door or sort of a couple of doors down on low low yeah yeah somewhere like that like revolution or something revs you know yeah we did didn't we one of our big stories from our early podcast was a big story that's where my look-alike was kicking

about he's looking like the ugliest man he's ever met in his life there's a guy that looks just like you who the fuck he was the ugliest you look like you met in his life. There's a guy that looks just like you. It was so hilarious after my win. Who the fuck, he was the ugliest, he looked like, what did I say? Do you know how many times I've been tagged in the Australian waiting for a mate video? What's that? You've never, I'll show you it in the break.

All right, you gotta show me the break. I get tagged in it all the, it's a hammered guy who's crashed his car. The police come over and go, you all right mate, have you crashed? He goes, nah, I'm just waiting for a mate. And he's just fucked, but it looks like me and his eyes are everywhere, which obviously with me helps um his eyes are everywhere

so we're this family who are with us they're just sort of i was trying to flirt with the daughter you know i was like 21 maybe at the time i'm trying to flirt with this girl who's out with her mom and dad and it seemed a bit weird they're from sheffield i remember that they were staying in a hotel. So we go into Revs, and they follow us, and they come with us, right? And then the daughter seems a bit aloof, and I'm like, oh, well, this isn't going to happen.

How unfortunate for me. Got me blazer on and everything. Didn't quite work out. But then the wife, the mother, starts flirting with me, right? And I'm like, okay, wow. And her husband is literally just stood at the bar watching us, and he's sort of like smiling. It seems odd, and I was like,

your husband's sort of watching us here, you know, love? And she's like, yeah, yeah, I know. Just don't worry about it. And then she leans in and kisses me, and I remember this happening because you swung your head around like a crane and put it right in. Like, you were here. Like, I come away

from kissing this woman I remember it so he's literally like say what I remember going he is Johnny yeah I remember

go on and then she she asked me to go back to the hotel with her and her husband oh no and I I was like I don't know how to the hotel with her and her husband. Oh, no.

And I was like, I don't know how comfortable I am with that. And she was like, would you like a preview of what could happen? And she took me to the toilet and sucked me off. How is that a preview? I'd be happy with that. Well, you don't need anything.

I'd be like, thanks for the preview. No, I don't want to come back to you. I'm done, thank you. You've put all the good bits of the film in the trailer. Yeah, exactly. To be fair, thanks for the preview. No, I don't want to come back to you. I'm done, thank you. You've put all the good bits of the film in the trailer. Yeah, exactly. To be fair, he was 21. You're 45 now. You'd be like, oh, that'll do.

There's a lot of effort involved in the rest of it. I can't just go to sleep. At 21, you're thinking, I could do this again. Yeah, but you've got some fucking weird bloke wanking in the car watching you. You forgot about that? He'd have walked to Sheffield. How old you are, you don't want to see some middle-aged man

wanking while you're fucking his wife. Well, I remember for the rest of... It's a well-known fact. That's a well-known fact. I live by that mantra. I read it. I gave you a load of shit for the rest of the evening going, I cannot believe you didn't go back

to the hotel and do it. Do you regret that now? Come on. Do I regret it? Not going back. No, because to be totally honest with you i'm with will like i don't want fucking jeff in the corner going can we just say we just got a comment on one of the videos last week when adam makes up a name of a character the likelihood of

it being a just sound at the start jeff janice john it's like yeah it's always quickly i need a name yeah yeah as long as it starts with a j janice amazing jeffro you know what was great about that he was in the toilet doing his thing and we were just stood there with a pipe like and you went does this happen often And I went Nah It was so It was so weird And also I guess I'm thinking about it My ego's Fucking taking a burial

At this point I've lost Any kind of mojo I ever want This is terrible But yeah You come out And Ralph's snogging the husband

I just wanted to get involved I was like I believe your name's Jeff Can I I suppose it's me and you now, Jeff. Come on, Jeffrey. Let's go. Oh, my God.

That daughter's in therapy now, isn't she? Fucking hell. But she must know who she is. Because also the thing is, Adam, like then, was a baby comedian just starting out. Like, no one knew him. But he's pretty well known now. So she will know.

They'll know. They must like. Oh, yeah. Mum and dad talk about the one that got away. Yeah, tell me that. I really want them to message you and go, actually, I'm called Jeff. And Janice here still remembers Adam Fonda.

Office still open if you're ever in South Yorkshire. Come on, a snake pass. Oh, that is not what you want to hear. A South Yorkshire action in the corner of the room as you fucking give your best effort on his wife, like, melt in. Not only did Adam say- Ah, that's doing a good job there, lad.

Yeah, exactly. Not only did Adam say Jeff, and he was like a good job there, lad. Yeah, exactly. Not only did Adam say Jeff, like, and he was like, that was the J name that he went for, but we've all moved on from the fact that he said, you don't want Jeff in the corner going, . And I'm like, is that the noise you make when you shout? Like, where'd that noise come from?

No, no, no, that's the noise I imagine Jeff would make. Thank you, because no one wanks noisily. No, no one has a shout wank. You don't go. Right. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Right. Right.

Strapping, strapping. When you are having some alone time in a hotel or whatever. Yeah. Are you ever a bit louder than when you are surrounded by your family? So Carl's just moved out of his family home and he's bought a house. Right. Really big thing. I bet they're delighted.

If that's what you're going to do. Go on. family home and he's bought a house right really big thing i bet they're delighted go on and i asked has he had a shout wank yet in the new house because he's finally away from his mom absolutely not no no one no one makes it apparently it's only you that makes noise when you're on your own yeah jeff and jeff you and jeff no no one does it look no you hear us don't do it look that's fine don't you just sort of i'm quite happy to be one of a kind don't you just do it silently and in shame? You're a maverick. Like if I'm in me house, because I don't want me neighbors to know what I'm up to.

Are you a sock? Are you a gym sock, man? For fuck's sake, a gym sock? I'm not a gym sock, man. What's a gym sock? Well, you know, Jeff. You're wanking to a sock. It's a Jeff sock.

He wanks into Jeff's gym socks. No, it's like a... It's a Jeff gym sock. It's a Trump, isn't it? Like in American Pie and everything. It's like they do it into a gym sock. No, he's like a... Chef Jim socks. It's a trope, isn't it? In like American Pie and everything, it's like they do it into a gym sock. No, he's an animal. He's got towels.

He's a sports sock. He cheers us in his own head, apparently. Oh my God. No, no, no. You must have heard of a posh wank. There's a lot of context to this. You've heard of a posh wank? Yeah, yeah.

With a condom. You went with a Johnny on? Yeah. And it catches it for you? Well, because he's not clean up. It's called a posh wank. Guys, get some wet wipes in your life. Have you never heard of that?

It helps with the clean-up. Fair enough. I don't know. I'm not talking through experience. I'm far from posh. So that's what we were talking about before. I'm so glad that this podcast is very similar to ours. It's actually slightly worse.

We usually go, we've been talking about wanking and arses for far too long. That's all we've spoken about. Have you noticed I'm slightly off the leash? It's like- It's not our fault. I will use tissue, but if I've just got out the shower and I know the towel's going in the wash,

I'll just use the towel. Oh. What is wrong with that? Oh God. What's wrong with it? I don't trust that you're doing enough laundry. No, not at all. Do you boil it?

Do you boil the towel? Do you burn it? What? You should burn it. I just put it on a 60 degree wash. Do you boil the towel in your 19th century wash house? It needs boiling, doesn't it? If you've just-

Do you take it down the river? Also, could it, that's a towel book. Could you not apply the same logic to like- Curtains. Oh yeah, anything that's going in the wash. So like, oh, my jeans are gonna go down the river. Also, that's a towel, but could you not apply the same logic to like, oh yeah, anything that's going in the wash. So like, oh, my jeans are gonna go in the wash. I'll just jizzle on my jeans. Like no one in this room has gone, I'll wash that t-shirt.

Come on. I would have no problem jizzing on my jeans if I was about to wash them. That might be what happened with that woman oh you should have used the blazer i told him i like your stone wash yeah yeah these were actually blue when i got them that's quite coarse as well like course on your skin jeans well yeah i haven't done it all right i'm just not ruling it out you know what i mean i'm a man with an open mind 40 boots it is making me feel a bit pat and

make this conversation, I must admit. Yeah. Can I just say, you support your heroes here and we're like, no, but how do you wank?

Do you do a noisy wank or is it a quiet one? Well, when no one's in, I'll fucking shout it out. Soon you will be out. Get out. So,

that's wanking done. I don't think we're quite finished. No, no. So, so, so. So, what's it like being back in Runkorn?

So I was talking to, we've liaised with the guys who produce your podcast. Yeah. And they were saying this is your first time together back in Runkorn since the Two Pints days, which is obviously, for any new viewers of ours, I'm Adam, this is Dan, this is Have A Word. It's like this every week.

Get on board. No, this is Have A Word and two Sudafed and a can of coke and two pints and a pint and any of uh our listeners uh who are not accustomed with our esteemed guests in today stars of many tv shows the show you worked on together was two pints of lager and a pack of crisps yeah and you now do a podcast back together called two pints with willem r. Yep, exactly. So I want to know, and Two Pints was based in Runcorn, which is the spiritual home of Have a Word. And it's sort of this perfect melt and puff for this crossover. So what is it like being back here?

Because a lot of it was filmed here, wasn't it? Yeah, we did all, like it was in a studio, but any exteriors we shot here. The studio in Manchester? No, it was in London. Oh, wow. CBC, TV Centre, yeah. but any exteriors we shot here the studio in Manchester no it was in London oh wow what do you believe CBC TV centre yeah

but like Gaz's Garage was in Runcorn all the exteriors we did in Runcorn the pub that's now a yoga centre or something

a Buddhist temple a Buddhist temple wow the archer yeah it was called the archer it seems weird it seems like

the basic opposite end of the spectrum from what it was in our show it's a Buddhist temple. It's like, what's the furthest we can get away from? We used to stay at the Daresbury Hotel, didn't we? Come off at Daresbury and stay there.

And we had, man, we had two weeks of just... Remember we used to crash a load of weddings? Yeah. What's going on in the function room? Let's go and get in there. Just bored in the Daresbury going, sounds like there's a big party in the Daresbury. We'd be like, hi, everyone who's getting married.

And like, occasionally we weren't very welcome. No. Fuck off. I'd love to crash a wedding you know yeah i had a hotel and just like act as if like oh yeah i live next door like just try and blend in yeah with the crowd it works better if you're on tv though because otherwise you're just a bloke crashing a wedding and everyone's like why is he here if they're like hey who's this guy why are his jeans all crispy that's weird i just think i think it'd be a lot better to be completely anonymous and try and convince try and get through the whole wedding not like being way crashing the wedding but try and actually assimilate the crowd and get have everyone have like the the bride's father like invite you for dinner.

Like, you know, win him round. Like on Wedding Crushers. I haven't seen the film. Just describe the plot though. Yeah, that's it. Here we go. You've never seen a film? I feel like you might have seen the film. I've got the brain of a Hollywood movie writer.

That's what I've just learned. Get that jacket on, see what you can do. Well, we had some good times at Runcorn. Everyone used to come out when we were filming obviously it was like I think it's probably the only thing that's come out

at Runcorn TV wise they were proud but no it was great and remember we've spoke about this before when we did early stages of our first series

of the pod was some strange things you'd see like a woman with a parrot on her shoulder that had no feathers eating chips

the baldest parrot you've ever seen she'd say say tight and go the scouse accent and she'd feed it A woman with a parrot on her shoulder that had no feathers, eating chips. The baldest parrot you've ever seen. She'd say, say, say, go, and she'd feed it fucking chips on her shoulder. Are you fucking us, chips? Say, what do you say? It was bald from the neck down, and it was like, not happy,

this scouse parrot eating chips on her shoulder. She'd come out. We'd see her every night, wouldn't we? Say, say, say't we? Say tat. Let's get a chip. It was fucking random as hell. Do you remember going in the canal? You went in Runcorn Canal.

Yeah, that was horrible. We got pushed in the canal. That was stunk of absolute shit. And they not even dragged it. Shopping trolleys and everything at the bottom. Could have died.

In the show, obviously. You can see it in your face though in the show that you're not happy to be in there. Oh my God. It was fucking awful. You don't see it in the show,

but he's pushed in the canal and then in the show he comes out and he's like, oh, oh, he comes out. But what actually happened was he came out and he went,

oh, oh, it stinks to shite. Like for about three minutes and he couldn't get out. It was horrible. Shopping tries and fucking all sorts. And I was thinking my head went under that.

Oh yeah, they probably went in. And I remember as well, we were filming one of the garage scenes, and we obviously used the exterior of the garage. And it's a real garage, but obviously we rent it off the guy and all that. Anyway, as you walk in, they cut, and then they'll cut to the studio, obviously, and then we're in the set. And it's one day, I'm walking in, and they said,

what we need to be doing is, as if you're bringing something mechanical or whatever. So I found a little box or something. It was like an empty box. So I put it under my arm, and I'm walking. This fucking bloke comes running across the road and grabs hold of me. Hey, get off me stuff! What are you talking about? That's my stuff!

That's my garage! That's my stuff! I said, can someone have a fucking word with this bloke here? There's a whole camera crew and everything. There's a camera crew. He had to go and get his son. Fucking idiot. We own the garage.

I thought I was robbing shit. I said, I'm actually bringing it in. That's the opposite of fucking robbing it. So I'm just using... Exactly. Haven't we rented it off? You know we're supposed to be here. How did you not know?

Fucking idiot. We're in the middle of a take. Can someone get this fucking idiot here, please? Just a really, really overzealous extra who's like, this is my chance to show me skills. There's a story about that. Was it on Emmerdale? I can't remember.

I'm probably going to get this wrong, but there's some old story about how one of the lads on Emmerdale years ago got in one of the extras and started winding him up. Oh, yeah. Do you remember? Yeah. And it's a bit harsh, really,

but it's funny like it's extra it's like so uh um yeah so i'm really hoping to get into actors my first day is an extra but i'm really hoping to be an actor and sort of went up and was like socializing with with like all the actors which is actually fine you don't you don't really do it but there's no reason why not right so one of the lads on emmerdale forget who was like well if you want to get into what the key is like just always think of a way to get noticed. So, you know,

so just throw something in, throw something in, right? This extra supposed to be waiting at a bus stop. And they go, okay, action. He's like,

Oh, looks like a bus. Extra goes, eh, terrible. These timetables, aren't they? Should be here within the hour.

Cut! Who the fuck's that? goes, eh, terrible these timetables, aren't they? Should be here within the hour. Cuts! Who the fuck's that? What's that? And also should be here within the hour. Within an hour? How long do they think the tape's going to last?

It's going to stand there for 55 minutes. Bless. I don't think they worked again. There's a story we can't name the two of the comics involved in the story

because we told the story early on and we had to cut it out but it's on the source of a similar thing. There's a tradition at the comics involved in this story, because we told this story early on and we had to cut it out, but it's on this sort of similar thing. There's a tradition at the comedy store in London of the pro-acts winding the open spots up, the guy doing the spot I was doing the night we met, like winding them up and making their life difficult.

So you know the comedian Paul Chowdhury, right? So his opening line for years has been what's happening, white people, right? And he was on the bill later on in the show, but wasn't quite at the venue yet. the compere goes up to the the new comedian who happens to be asian as well and says uh how you feeling he's like oh well uh really nervous you know it's the comedy store big chance want to be in with this club blah blah blah and he goes what's your opening line open lines most important thing yeah like if you, if you get them, you've got them. Yeah, yeah. And he goes, I'm quite a slow builder. He goes, I'm going to work here.

You're going to need a big opening line. I've got one foot. Got one foot. I think if you just walk out and just go, what's happening, white people? That'll get a laugh and you'll be in. Oh, man. So this new act goes on and goes,

what's happening, white people? Smashes it. Big gig. Paul Chowdhury's at the back of the room. Been using that line for 15 years. Comes straight into the green room and goes, that's my line. And the guy goes, it was him.

He told me to do it. But by the time he's done that, the comp is fucked off. Leaves this guy in the green room with a very, very, very angry Paul Chowdhury. How long ago was this? Years ago. Was it Romesh?

No. Just asking. Just asking. I want you to name names. Know your place. Extra at the bus stop. Young Asian open spot. I want to ask you about,

we have talked to a lot of comedians we've spoken to. We spoke to recently. Darryl Breen. Darryl Breen, Russell Howard. And one of the reasons we talked and sort of got chatting over a bit all those years ago, and I've been toying, banging on about the idea of trying stand-up for years and never done it.

And part of it's because I'm lazy, part of it's because I guess I'm scared. I've just never bothered to do it. And Will's similar, right? We had this conversation. You've always toyed with the idea and neither of us have ever done it. You look a lot more scared than him

when this conversation's up there. No no because it's one of them things you know I feel like I want to do it it's a difficult thing if you're an actor and you just suddenly go well I'll do a bit of comedy you just worry that

the comedians who have fucking slogged their way just don't don't think you're going to come in and just because you've got a profile jump straight into the comedy store well if we watch that stage now we've got baggage with us

you feel a bit and people know you and people know what you've been in and they yeah it's not easy it's actually easy easy being unknown

yeah you kind of almost don't want to walk on because if you have a bad one you can just slip into the night and you're gone and then you go and lick your wounds and learn from it

it's harder if you've got a name so specifically what's your question and I'll do my best to answer well I've asked all the comedians this like I guess I

we met when you were very, very young in your career and it was a big open spot. It wouldn't have been your first ever gig, but I guess your first ever gig, you're not absolutely shitting it about bombing. And follow-up question, what's your worst? When have you died the worst? You must have absolutely bombed.

So first gig, I was definitely very, very nervous, and we've covered it on Have A Word before. I did a gig in a nightclub in Liverpool, which is not there anymore, called Envy. There was 32 people there. 28 of them were my friends. Two of them were Hungarian tourists who literally just got dragged in off the street

and didn't know what the fuck was happening. And two of them were the only two people who would have been there if there wasn't a trip from Hungary and my friends in the room. The gig went, in my head well i can't watch it back anymore because it's abysmal right and the stand-up is really really bad you were 18 i was 20 what like you're not you're not even aware of damage that could be done you're like i want to do it it's a very different deal at that age really when you're in your 30s or 40s you've got more pride i suppose just yeah you get you get scared as you

get older i think about a lot of things but like this kind of thing this one i think i worry that because we we've been talking vaguely for our podcast about the idea of maybe try and stand up as a kind of will versus ralph thing Oh, we would love to be involved in that show. I don't know about you, but that terrifies me. I'd rather do a skydive. Yeah, it is hard, isn't it? But, you know, it's one of them, I think, you know, as far as I'm concerned, I've been writing stuff down,

stuff that makes me laugh. And I think, well, if I find it funny, then hopefully other people will, but that's not the case. But if you're at that stage, though, so I'll answer the death question in a minute. If you're at that stage, you're going to do it. This gonna do it this doesn't go away this itch does not go away i've got reams of notes on my phone that i've been taking for 20 years this should be our second crossover why don't you both why don't you both take a comic and help each other and then they can help you i mean do you know so it is here's the thing if you announce now i'm gonna do stand up go and it so this it's a

it's a complicated question because stand up as a as a an r form for lack of a better term is so delicate and so it takes a long time to get truly good at it but you you get away with the a lack of the the intricacies of the skills polish yeah when the audience already like you now if you got and you guys are sort of so famous that most club audiences in the uk if you walked on would be like oh it's the that guy from the thing so you'll get that often i would not advise either of you to go to comedy clubs like weekend comedy clubs because they might book yeah because they'd be like well they're gonna sell tickets you'd get an extra two minutes from the crowd but a weekend guy and then then you thought if you're on your own yeah yeah yeah so you don't think we should

try and debut at the comedy store no you should you should there'll be open mic nights that not are not open mic they're sort of new material nights so they're like the type of give the daughter and russell and even me and dan will go to to go oh we're working through material and we can get on yeah yeah so like there's a comedy club in liverpool called hot water they do uh new material nights on mondays and wed Wednesdays and Sundays I've just started running Liverpool

on a Tuesday it's the kind of thing where it's really really relaxed it's who's going out to watch comedy on a

Tuesday it's comedy fans it's podcast fans it's comedy geeks not slagging them off but it's people who really like the stand-up they're not

there for like you know fucking Phil's like Stag do or to be fair or Tracy's birthday as a as a will versus ralph that's what we got to do it yeah do it as a second crossover we'll do it at your place yeah oh my god it would it's so perfect for it 80 90 seats intimate sound tuesday night i've just got a bit scared that we've even said that like my heart's pounding now we've got a tour coming up a

podcast tour we have no idea what we can say scared shitless we did our christmas special live show in liverpool and we were planning it in the pub three hours before it started yeah but we've got three weeks of dates if we even have a good first night we're like right what we're gonna do next night yeah we're conscious of that we haven't put a tour of the podcast together yet we're trying to funnel all the touring from this into our our solo stand-up tour but haven't put a tour of the podcast together yet. We're trying to funnel all the tour and from this into our solo standup tour. But you know funny, like half of the battle with brand new comics is they don't know which way the audience is,

which way they're looking, how to hold a mic. They haven't got a performer or the confidence. You've acted, you've done comedy acting. You've got so many of the initial ticks. Also, you're not kids who don't know what you're saying. You've got an idea of what you like.

The rhythm and the confidence and the nerves, they're always the problem, but you'll get over them quicker because you know funny and you know performing. Fancy it. Well, I watched RuPaul's Drag Race the other day and I thought, why don't we both see who's the best drag queen?

Okay. Will versus Ralph. We can't do it on the same night, by the way. On the same night. Can we do that at your club? Just a whole different thing. No, I mean, it's one of them things, man.

We'll give it some more. It's a bucket list thing, isn't it? It's an interesting idea, isn't it? If the interest is there, you will scratch it eventually. But yeah, so here's my advice just from experience.

Because it's not the same thing, but here's what's happening at the minute. There's a sort of revolution going on with how comedians sort of sell tickets and how they get a profile enough. And you've obviously already got a profile to be able to sell these thousands of tickets for tour shows. Stand-up is not the same as just being funny.

It just isn't. A lot of people think, oh, I'm funny in the pub with my mates. It's not the same thing. They're always the worst new acts. Always. What dance anyway, you guys is. No, don't worry.

You're not funny. Yeah, you're good. Yous have worked to a professional level of comedy in TV, which gives you an advantage. But here's what happens now. So there's a lot of selfie video comedians. That's what I call them. They start with videos going viral on Facebook and YouTube. now so there's a lot of like selfie video comedians that's what i call them so like and uh they start

with like videos going viral on facebook and youtube there's one exception to this rule that i'm about to say which is mo gilligan so mo gilligan was already a stand-up and he started doing this and blew up and he's now one of the biggest names in british comedy um there's a lot of them who do that and then they get on stage because they then get an agent and the agent goes the only way we can truly monetize this is for you to do a stand-up tour and there's been a lot of them that get cancelled after two or three dates really because they're getting millions of views in their bedroom pretending to be i'm me and now i'm my girlfriend because my hair's a bit different and then they go on tour in front of people who've paid 20 quid

and have to get a babysitter and park the fucking car and go for a meal and it's it's a date night and it's all the stress that goes into going on a night out venues are getting complaints by the from the people who bought tickets going what was that is not making us feel any more happy about our upcoming tour people have paid money got a babysitter oh shit no but you'll sing mustang sally it'll be fine you guys are doing something that the listeners are already, they've already bought into. You're going to be doing a podcast on stage, I assume. Like, these people are going from selfie videos

to trying to do stand-up, and in a live room watching a stand-up comic, it's so instant. Like, what's interesting for me, I've got a couple of jokes in my new tour show that at the minute, they get a 7 out of 10 laugh, and I would normally kill them. I'd normally get rid of them and be like, they're not good enough.

I need to get better jokes for whatever. They're staying in because I know when this eventually goes online, they'll be the jokes that do the best online because people have another 30 seconds to think about it. It's the instant. You've got to make them laugh within half a second of saying whatever you say.

And that's what these influencer selfie video comedians are just not accustomed to doing. When you've done your live shows, you did one, I know you did one live podcast on stage. Did you just sit down

and do what you do here? Just sitting down and chewing the fat? Stand up in the first half. We've done four proper live shows haven't we two are hot water one at content in liverpool and one at the underbelly festival what we want to do because of what you just said about people are paying like we look we could just turn up and we could just sit and do our podcast maybe get a guest or whatever we could but if people have paid some like you've you've you've got to step it up you've got to give something a bit more. You can't just ask people to come and go,

just pay some money to watch us with their eyes. We want them to be a part of it, I think. Yeah, like I think we want audience interaction and stuff. Might be the generation game. I have a tattoo of a pig on my arse to top off a pod show. If anything doesn't... So yeah, you... That photo on the wall up there

is Brennan Rees getting his arse all waxed at the end of the live show in 2019. And a year later, in reference to a joke, a story I told on the pod, I got my first ever tattoo at 40 years old on a live stream in front of 3,000 people. Yeah, you do need to bring a little bit.

A little bit of something, yeah. It's not just like, sit down and see. Yeah, it's a live show. So welcome, everyone. Same old shit. Here we go. Yeah, you can't do that. Yeah, but they also want that too.

They're coming to watch a podcast. Well, yeah, we've got a screen and stuff so we can show clips. We've got to be of audience interaction. You know, we've got a few things that will just take it on a different route. The big challenge is going to be stopping Will singing. That's going to be the real, like,

because he can sing, but my God, he can't wait. That's the thing. He'll be like, not yet, not yet. Not yet, easy, easy, easy. Wait till the end. Are you going to sing at every show? I mean, you can't stop. It's the thing be like not yet not yet easy easy easy wait till the end are you gonna sing at every show i mean it's the first i fucking heard of it you can't bollocks you can't stop it it's been amazing that he's not sat here going mustang sally because it's a running gag that he said all the way through it's true though he how often do you how often do you get paid to

sing mustang listen at gigs if they want me to sing, I'll sing. You know what I mean? Mustang sound. And if they don't... Everyone's got a song they can sing when they're pissed. Reef, Reef, place your hands you've got. Place your hands by Reef. Play that funky music, white boy. Really? Play that funky music, white boy. Can you say that nowadays?

Play that funky music, white boy. That's not me. As a white boy, I find it really offensive. I find it very offensive. You sang Tom Jones as well on... Oh God, yeah, I did, yeah. We know so much more about this show than you. You sang Can I Get a Blowjob on Two Pints.

Yeah, Can I Get a Blowjob. I did that on... Are you? I did that on a Valentine's Day message. Do you know you do these messages for people on Memo and stuff like that? Yeah. And it was a Valentine's message and all that.

And it was... I get asked to do the biscuit rap quite a lot. They didn't ask me. I just said, what you need to do is walk in the bedroom and just go, I want a blowjob, how are you? And just see what happens. Happy Valentine's Day.

I told you he'd sing, by the way. I told you. Nobody asked him to. You goaded him into it. Nobody asked him to. Open the fucking door and I walk through

and let the witness. I told you, it's stopping him singing that's the difficult bit. Will, you're involved in one of our, remember the last, we watched the last episode

together, didn't we? Remember? Yeah. Because we used to watch it together. Did you hold hands one of our remember the last we watched the laps episode together didn't we remember yeah because we used to watch it together did you hold hands while you were watching the last episode

essentially yeah but you made us nearly cry you remember the end of the end don't you of course yeah yeah

at the airport yeah oh my god because we were like what the fuck there's obviously got to be another series and then I read in like the paper a couple of weeks

later it was like no more two pints you know we have got another series and then I read it in like the paper a couple of weeks later it was like no more Two Pints you know we have got another series written Susan Nixon's written it written yeah

she's written it called Two Pints Last Order sort of thing and the BBC said no they don't want it why? we all put it

we all do BBC 3 is coming back so they said no as well really? so we think I think what we need to do is put it onto a stream platform

of some kind whether it be Amazon Prime or anything like that. Should we all just make it? So, yeah. Oh, my God. Do you want to see these two giz? No, we brought him back. I sent you the video. Oh, shit, on the beach.

What sort of fan are you? Yeah. On the beach. Come on, Carl. On the beach. As if you don't know that, even I know that. Stan knows it. Johnny Schumacher's alive!

Don Zorn, yeah, exactly. That was my name, that was my name. Yeah, so we brought him back to life just so we could then go, right, well, now we can do, you know, where are they now sort of thing. Several questions. Yeah, go. First one, just to let you know upfront,

and we'll talk about this afterwards, we will fund and make it. Yeah, give that that sweet sweet Patreon money HSBC Dan, Dan, never mind never mind about your season that's what we can do for our Patreon, we'll do a scene every episode one scene from the new series

you have to pay 10 quid to see it secondly please, I don't even care if I carry a crate in the background holding with him I've got to be if I carry a crate in the background, holding with him. We've got it. I've got to be an extra at some point. And thirdly, right, here's something I've always wanted to ask you. I was going to say barman, but you wouldn't be able to see you over the bar.

I'm not that small. I'm deceptively not small. That's what he always says. I thought you were stood up now. I am, but I'm taller than I look. I'm far away. I'm 5'9", or 5'1111 on Tinder, depending on who you ask. So here's something I wanted to ask you.

I don't know whether you've discussed this on your show. What was it like for you and for you, I suppose, when you left the show and it carried on? It was gutting, actually. It was a bit difficult, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. It's a weird one, really.

It felt, I look back now and I'm like, yeah, it feels like a mistake. Was it your call? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird one really. It felt, I look back now and I'm like, yeah, it feels like a mistake. Was it your call? Yeah. And you felt, I've gone as far as I want to go with it. And yeah,

look, I mean, he went to Hollywood. I've got regrets. And he's back. And I came back. Hollywood's calling. I'm about to run call.

And I was like, oh, Hollywood, you were calling. Just the wrong number what happened though because when you got shot there was a vote

to see whether you lived or died did you just say you'll carry on that wasn't how you left though no no I'm saying you carried on afterwards

what happens if well we know you yeah no well it's a good it's a good honestly it's a good question because they were like

so we're gonna get you shot at the end of a series and then we're going to have this vote to decide whether you should live or die. Isn't that fun? And I went, what if people all say I should die? And they went, oh, we didn't think of that. Fuck it.

And nobody even addressed, there was no plan B. So if everyone had voted no, I just wouldn't have come back. In my head, you were wanting to leave, well, not wanting to leave. No, no, not at all. That was just like a bit of fun for fan interaction. No, there's a run corn shooting on Two Pints of Logan and Packet of Crest.

There is, yeah. But then someone watched the wire and get a bit carried away. That was the first crossover there. It was Two Pints and Brookside. They did a crossover there. Jimmy Corkill turned up and was like, you phoned the busies. Bang. What did you have in your hand?

I thought it was a gun. A crunchy. It's just a crunchy put the gun down i went what i mean this is right on the top of by the castle i'm going what and all the airs there's a helicopter like it was amazing it was a fucking police helicopter and they blew the budget on it we didn't get paid um and uh and they went put the gun down mr keown i went what gun they went there's a gun in your pocket i went gun oh no this is just a crunchy which is just so stupid.

And I pulled out this crunchy and got shot. And that was the end of the series. It was good, wasn't it, to be fair? We did some brave things on Two Pints. We did some mad things on Two Pints. And I don't think, if I'm really honest, that I appreciated how good it was at the time.

I did. When it finished, I cried. The last episode, we filmed it. The scene where you see Gaz and Donna at the airport, we'd already pre-shot that, so we did the studio audience stuff, and then we came out and watched it with the audience, had a bit of a glass of champagne,

and it finished, and the audience all stood up clapping. And I looked round at the sets, and I thought, we're not going to do this again. And it proper hit me Yeah I got all upset I was crying And my wife run down

From the audience And ugly and stuff And it was just weird That I didn't see it coming That it had that much effect on me That I'm not going to do this again How long did you do it for? Ten years

You did it for ten years I did it for seven Nine series, ten years But it was It was the end It was a natural end. But it's just when you realise. I said to Susan Nixon the other day,

because she came on the pod, and her and Catherine come on, and I was saying to her, what happened to the sets? They're destroyed. They just do that. And it killed me. I was like, what?

I have this image in my mind that they're stuck away somewhere in case we come back. Do you know what occurred to me? Side note, as I was on the way to Runcorn today on the train

we never asked Susan and I'm still desperate to know what is that lyric is it flakies KP's like no one knows it's flakies isn't it

it changes though doesn't it it's KP's it's nuts isn't it no no it's not do you like to like a packet of nuts

wasn't it plain cheese you're supposed to be a fan plain cheese he thought plain cheese no I thought it was flakies in the first like four seasons then it changes to plain cheese doesn't it supposed to be a fan. Plain cheese, he thought. Plain cheese. No, I thought it was Flaky's in the first like four seasons and it changes to plain cheese, doesn't it? KP's take Christmas rather than these chains.

I don't know that anyone actually knows the answer. So the end of the intro song is, I'll have a pack of lager, please. And a pack of Flaky's. KP's. It's not nuts. Plain cheese. I thought it was Flaky's.

Yes, please. No one knows. We used to finish scenes and we'd go, while we was in front of the audience. So they'd go, that's that scene complete. We'd go, and then we'd walk off. Yeah, it was fun. I don't think I realised it was as good as it was

and as brave and as, I mean, everyone knew it was silly, but it was silly in a kind of like a really fearless way. I don't think I realised that. The type of telly that hasn't been made for a while for me. And like for me and him sort of being 17, 18, 19

and being from Liverpool and although Runcorn, you know, is a different town to Liverpool and whatever, especially the scenes with you two in the pub and watching, you were just us a different town to Liverpool and whatever, especially the scenes with you two in the pub. Yeah.

And watching, you were just us, but on the, like, because there was no, like, it felt real. The type of things you would say to him and he would say to you as in your characters. They ate the pie. Oh, yeah.

They were always our favourite scenes, weren't they? Like, the number of times we were- Like, working class comedy that doesn't punch down. Yeah. That we're like, oh, aren't they, they're thick. Like-'re thick like yeah well it was just like there was not even any question of that it was like this is what lads talk about in the pub just nonsense just absolute nonsense oh we're doing very well well that chat yeah just talking about like who invented the pie and wine a lot of wanking chat which as we know is not what lads talk about. But you know, so yeah,

I don't think I realized it was as good. And when I left, to be honest, it wasn't because I was like, Oh, I'm going to Hollywood. Although it was like, well,

I might as I'll give that a roll of dice because why not? But it was more, it was, I'd grown when I was 18, 19, 20. It's like, you know,

things like empires had crumbled. Like, you know, Robbie Williams had left, that and so on. It wasn't like, that's not even the right analogy. I just thought maybe it's time to move on. And I think that was a really bad choice looking back. It didn't, it wasn't like a,

it wasn't like a career ruining thing to do, but I was like, why don't I just carry on with the guys? Like we were having such a good time. And for some reason, I kind of broke. It was never the same as well. For some reason, I broke up the band. It started to slide, I think, the show. And sometimes, you know, you leave something like that

because there's some tension or people aren't getting on. There was a lot of negative press around it as well, if you've got to remember. That's true. There was a lot of people that didn't, you know, they sort of, it was a bit of a, what would you say it was, a slanderous word to say, you liked two pints, you know. We had a massive following. There was a slanderous word to say you liked two pints you know there's people used to refer to it if anything as a guilty pleasure i fucking hate that yeah yeah exactly if people like it they like it but look to be honest as well god this is like therapy i've never really

talked about this but since you ask i came from the royal family which was the most which was my big break in tv incredible as well it was the most, which was my big break in TV. Incredible as well. It was the most well-received. It would be harder, other than The Office, it would be harder to imagine a more overnight huge success that was adored by everyone. And I did that, and all the critics loved it, and it was like, ta-da, and I hosted the first ever GQ Awards. The first ever GQ Men of the Year Awards,

I hosted at 21 years old. It was insane. And then started Two Pints, and it it was great fun and everyone loved it, but the critics fucking hated it. And I remember GQ went, yeah, we don't want you back because you're in that show. And we think it's shit.

Like I remember that. And that always, I guess stuck with me. So even though I loved doing the show, I loved hanging out with my mates and we did all that. You felt sneered at. I felt a bit sneered at having come from something that was so universally adored and i look back now and i wish i'd have just gone i won't give a shit but yeah but i cared too much about that in a way that i

really regret now we like we've got we'll have a word we've got so many comedians who love this and we've got we're in a position now because of the listenership and how big it is we've given our comedian mates the chance come on have a go and you know they notice their talk we've had comedians tell us this is better than doing telly like for sales and new followers and stuff like that it's amazing to be able to give them that but we also know there's a sect of the comedy industry we're like you've seen what we've done in the first half here like we're talking about stuff that some people like oh, oh, you're talking about that for 15 minutes. It's like, we're just having a laugh.

We're sitting here having a pint with our mates and talking shit. That's why we called ours Two Pints, because the idea was, like you say, about us in the pub. It's just like, we really, really just wanted to transplant what we would sit and dick around and talk about in a pub. And sometimes it's football. Sometimes it's mental health. You know what I mean?

Sometimes we do go in with stuff like that. Will talked, we did a whole episode during lockdown and Will lost his dad and he talked really, really openly and honestly and really generously about it. And it was quite incredible. Like it's not all whacking. There's a lot of whacking.

I think if you don't do that honestly, if you're not yourselves on podcasting, I think people sniff it out. And I think the old style of entertainment, like, hey, this is my character, this is my shtick, they're not going to work in this new format of long-form, honest podcasting. Because if you try and bullshit people that listen to podcasts,

they're like, nah, I can fucking hear that you're a fake. I think you've got to... For all the moments of, like, we take the piss and we go past the line, we've talked about all sorts of like honest stuff about like our lives our history and everything it's massively important i feel a little bad i think i was part of that snobbery against two pints and i and it's weird now that we work so closely obviously we've become best mates and the the adoration they look the love

that these 10 years younger than me I was a bit older I we've watched clips in here and I've watched it through a different lens I've watched it through the lens of

my respect and love for Carl and Adam who love your that show and we just watched a clip before and I was like that's a fucking

funny clip but when I was 23 when I was 23, 24 I was like I was like the mighty Boosh, Kirby enthusiasm, you know,

like, yeah, yeah. That's fine though, isn't it? That's what I mean. It's subject to opinion. And I think that's,

it does divide opinions when you've had that kind of comedy, but we had the following when we did have, was they was, they, they adored it. You know what I mean?

It wasn't like we liked it. They loved it. Yeah. The people who didn't like it, hated it. So that's, you don't like this part? It's kind of like the part yeah but also and not to go too sort of political on it and i i don't like bringing up sort of oh it's about this and whatever and i'm not lumping down in with this there's a net there's definitely an element of classism to

it there just is there's an element like working class people will have loved that show because it is literally uh a documentary of their lives it's yeah i work in a garage my mate's unemployed we'll always have a murder with our birds like a hyper we can sit in the pub and talk about who invented the pie and it gives you a break from my butler loves it yeah my butler loves it you can watch it downstairs yeah Yeah, exactly. Get downstairs. More cake. Walk in the fridge. Walk in the fridge, Michael.

Yeah, I know. Well, do you know what? Also, you look back now, and I do look back without that lens of going, oh, what did the critics think and this and that? And look, some bits of it, it wasn't even hit and miss. It was just so out there that some bits just didn't click in the way that other bits did, right? Which I don't think is necessarily the same as saying't even hit and miss it was just so out there that some bits just didn't click in the way that other bits did right which i don't think is necessarily the same saying it's hit and

miss because it was pretty fucking good but there are some bits where i go that is legit fun like it's look back now and i go that is legit funny like can i ask you a question yeah both years please so we'll start with will yeah and it might be the same answer i'm just interested to know because obviously i can tell from talking to both of you how much you love doing it is there a favorite either episode or ideally scene that you remember that was like because i've got mine oh we've got ours it's the same yeah well the idea i mean musical the musical episode just we can put that aside like because that is in of itself that was amazing by the way the scary episode scared the shit out of a lot of people and do you know why that did it made people feel because there was

no laughter track that's what it is so usually it's live live audience there was none of that on it and when two pints did go for it they went for it you know the musical episode was on such a low budget but the director made it look amazing we parodied like 12 or 13 huge multi-million budget music videos. We parodied 12 or 13 of them for no money in about six days. Like, it was unbelievable. Getting dressed up and singing and pissing about. Me and him doing the biscuit rap when we had that. And the biscuit rap is still on.

Keep any bitch, I got my rich tea. Rich tea. Which I rewrote. I rewrote. He rewrote most of that. And being in the recording studio doing the songs, just pissing ourselves,

you know, it was just like... Do you remember doing the biscuit rap in one take? I don't remember it. I did a few improvisations at the end sounding like ludicrous.

My favourite song in the musical episode is when you're trying to convince him to go out for a drink. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get pissed and I'm going to have his face.

His face. Smile at the end of it. get pissed. I'm going to have a face. It's Ace. Smile at the end of it. It's Ace. We use that picture as a reaction meme for anything. Our Twitter followers know that. So my favourite scene, well, it's three scenes from the same episode, is in the episode Dresses, Dresses, Dresses,

where you find the keg. Oh, yeah. Blue beer! It's Barrow-Oscar. It's Barrow-O barrel wash gas it's blue beer you know we couldn't film that we overran that day by about half an hour and the whole crew was gone

carrying that barrel down the street we know the song that you sang the bit for me no I'm going to think of Joe Guest that is literally exactly what he says but the bit for me and it's just a subtle scene if you ever go back and watch it you'll see exactly what i mean when you've failed to open the keg and you

run at it to have a fight with it and it cuts to your face am i laughing no it you look genuinely worried for your mate's mental health it's either the most perfect bit of acting i've ever seen or it was not in the script yeah he just ran out of here i probably was that oh do you know i i can't believe the number of times we cut to things and i'm like i'm just openly laughing how they kept that in yeah it was bad there must have been a lot because i've seen some outtakes When they used to be on BBC 3 But there must have been a lot Oh yeah Like the number one is When

The noise Donna makes When she comes And you have to leave Yeah That one Well thing is I changed it Because the night before

I was thinking Right In rehearsals I did a different noise And I thought But I got used to it in rehearsals It took us four days Of having him going

She goes And I was like Okay I understand that noise now That's fine And I thought, I'm tonight. But I got used to it in rehearsals. It took us four days of having him going. She goes, oi, oi. And I was like, okay, I understand that noise now. That's fine. And I thought, like, I'm going to change it tonight when we do this thingy. And then it came out and I did this. And I looked at them and Ralph's just crying.

Sheridan's pissing herself. It took us, I mean, literally. Do you know it goes from everyone's laughing, then it gets serious going, no, listen, we're going to run out of time for the studio. Even the audience is shifting in their seats going come on

I had to do the scene without them there they had to leave they got thrown off I had to do it to nobody because we couldn't stop he had to move the audience out no no no

Ralph was there the audience was like please get this right Ralph sat there Sheridan's there and they had to get rid of him because I couldn't look at him how many takes do you think

over 12 at least 15 takes I mean and there were some times where I didn't even get to speak How many takes do you think? Oh, over 12, I thought. At least 15 takes. I mean, and there were some times where I didn't even get to speak and Ralph's just got snot and tears. And I'm going, she's going, and action. I'm going, he's pissing himself.

He's not even started. It's a bit when you hear someone go, action, and he just points his camera at him. He's got his shoulders like this. And he comes to me, I'm going. Which take is it where the director starts getting pissed? Is it like take four or five? Yeah, it's five or six.

The floor manager's like, okay, guys, come on. And Yeah, it's five or six. It's the floor manager. It's like, okay, guys, come on. And we're like, we're trying. It's like being in detention and you can't stop sniggering. And the more serious they get, the funnier it gets. We don't, I mean, there was so many, so many. I mean, when I wore the fat suit, I had so much fun with that. Oh, my God.

I had to be in makeup for like three or four hours in the morning and getting at like six, be on set for, well, being at five, get on set for eight. And the fat shoe when i put it on and it made me act different i felt different in it with the body language and everything i was sat there natalie casey would come in and introduce and she'd go i fucking hate fat guys because i'd just be horrible yeah i just feel like picking me no scratching my ass you know talking about it makes it i went out to the shops in it i was filming on unless i'm just

gonna go to the shop, see if anyone recognises. The way people are looking at me, like I was disgusted and I thought, is this how it feels to be- Yeah, you went, I'll get him a diet coke. It's a fucking diet coke.

Get a fucking kebab and fuck off. Funnily, talking about like the way different people felt about it and that kind of snobbery and whatever, there's this, I think, I perceive, maybe I'm right or wrong, I don't know if I'm right or wrong, but I perceive that now there's a sort of slight looking back at it retrospectively,

kind of like I do, and go, that's better than I thought it was. A nostalgia. Yeah, but also an appreciation for like, you know, doing a musical episode and a horror episode and just a- A live episode. Doing nine seasons, did you say?

Exactly, yeah. Fucking hell. All that kind of shit. What gets commissioned for nine, like, that's amazing. So like, there was this was I was in some fancy London London Club last night and Let some fancy London bar and because I was out last night as well. I've manned up and I'm having a bit And whose premiere was it? Yeah, it was no nobody He was like I really kind of posh guy came up to me and he was like, oh,

I'm a really kind of posh guy. Like, we said it was a class thing, but like, you just never know. Sorry, I can't get that documentary on the air.

I nearly went Lee Carsley. I nearly went Lee Carsley. Just Anton Ferdinand just looking to camera for two hours going, my brother did really well actually. Didn't quite work out

as well for me, but you know. John Terry's a cunt anyway this this guy come up to me and he was like he was quite a posh fella and he was like hey uh just to say i'm a big fan i was like oh thank you very much he goes yeah that bit in two pounds i still watch where fat gaz wanked himself thin i still watch it on a weekly basis and makes me laugh and i was like that is literally the last thing i thought you were gonna say that's the one episode i told my mom not to watch i went mom you don't have to watch it this week.

She's like, I'm watching it. I'm like, no, it's all right. I know what goes on. I said, you don't. The bit where Munch has to duck because your jizz. My jizz hits the dartboard. To the theme of Rocky music, he's the Mickey out of Rocky. And he's sort of.

It's one of the silliest things I've ever seen. And it still tickles me. But did she watch it? Yeah, she watched everything. I was saying this the other day. You know what proud parents are like? You know, they watch everything, and I'll say, don't watch this,

because it's a bit of language. When I do Celebrity Juice or anything, I'll say, Mum, you know, it's a bit base. Well, my dad, I did a photo shoot... Did you see on Celebrity Juice fingering a melon? Yeah, I was fingering a melon, yeah. Well, I had half a melon between my legs

and I had to try and find the penny in the melon so it looked like you were blasting yourself. And my dad's watching it going, oh, it's terrible. It's terrible. But anyway,

we had the proud parents. So there was this one time when I was, I did, I did a verse. These two couldn't be more suited to us ever. I feel like, why have we not worked together already?

This could be the whole new podcast. Oh, my God. Yeah, so it was, my dad bought every magazine. You know, my mum kept it all and stuff like that. And I did a photo shoot for Attitude magazine. It was the naked edition right so i did this shoot and uh um obviously my mom and dad said when's it out i said oh it's it'll be out and anyway my dad went to the local shop and he went hey johnny all right uh have you got attitude magazine not a clue what it was he's like uh are you sure, Bill? He was like, yeah, yeah, my son's on the front cover.

That's his name! Are you sure, Bill? And he went, yeah, yeah, my son's on the front cover. Anyway, he fucking got it. That's it. Yeah, it wasn't, my mum got it. It's absolutely disgusting. It talks about the shape of your penis.

Does it? What shape is it? Well, do you know, because, you know, it was obviously, I'm sat here watching Will have his shoot and I can see the shape of his penis through his pants.

It was all like that sort of stuff. My mum's reading it. And I was like, Mum, I told you not to get it. You don't want to read that, do you? I can't find, I'm trying to find something. Stop trying to find things.

No, I don't know if you know this, but like there was some guy on Twitter, some like right-wing religious nut on, passed him Christian pastor, but like proper right-wing nodder, American guy on Twitter. And he was like, ladies, you don't need to show,

you don't never need to post pictures of yourself in a bikini or underwear online, not to show your weight loss, not to do this, not to do that. It's a bit like, who's this guy to tell women what they can and can't do? Anyway, he got a lot of pushback. So I just replied to him with all your Attitude magazine pictures and no context. What about Will? He hasn't got back to me.

But I just really enjoyed the thought of it. I think it's time we take a little break. That has run quite long and in a very, very good way. This next section is going to be A, hard to follow this one, and weirdly short, but that was amazing. I've got something for you. I've not told you about it, but I've got something for you. Oh.

I'm excited. Let's go for a piece. Stop it. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You get matched in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line.

This is a way for you to get professional therapy done securely online. There's a broad range of expertise available, which may not be locally available for you to go and see in your area. So say you're going through some like childhood trauma or whatever, and you're trying to deal with that. There might be not like a childhood trauma person

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room and looking at all the other people and trying to figure out what they're up to and what them figuring out what i'm up to that's the bit that's not on me sick so better help once you just start living a happier life today this is the new way to get therapy done and i'm going to be using it myself i'm actually getting therapy at the moment it's genuinely helpful um i don't think there is i don't think there is any stigma about it anymore and it's not just because of trauma or whatever a lot of it's just life coaching it can help you see how you're going forward it's honestly i'm getting a lot from it. And BetterHelp can provide it without you having to go and see a therapist. It's also more affordable than traditional online therapy.

It's a lot more affordable. And even if you're struggling properly and can't even afford the extra affordable therapy, there's financial aid and stuff available. It's genuinely a really great system. Now, obviously, there'll be some people who want to just go and see someone in person. But if you feel like you would benefit from online therapy, there is not a better place in the world for you to go than to BetterHelp.

We have a special offer for Have A Word listeners. Get 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com slash word10. That's betterhelp.com slash word10. Go ahead, Fanny. Hello. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, to the Have a Word, Two Pints of Flora crossover episode. This is the final section of the show.

It will be significantly shorter than the first one because it was seven hours long. Thanks for listening. That's the end. Good night, everyone. Good night. Look, so without further ado, I had this idea

on the way up I was like I tell you what how about I hope this works out but I thought well the lads I've been aware

of your podcast you've done some homework yeah I know he doesn't do that on our fucking pod he never does homework I just you know go on

I'm excited well I was like you know so I've been aware of your podcast because well you told the story that I was in and everyone sent it to me and then more and more kind of your clips have gone viral and I was like, you know, so I've been aware of your podcast because, well, you told the story that I was in and everyone sent it to me.

And then more and more kind of your clips have gone viral. And I was like, these lads are basically very similar to us. We have talked about a lot of the same things, juvenile stuff. And, you know, you mentioned that you're fans and so on. Anyway, I looked you up and I thought, do you know what might be quite good fun is to have a look at some of our reviews and your reviews and see what we think of them. Oh, no. We've never, ever, ever, ever. Oh, we've never done that.

Oh, my days. Would you like to do that? My bum hole just got hot. Look, so to be honest. Have you sieved these? So out of, what, you think I'm just going to read thousands of them out there? No, no, but have you just picked really shit ones?

Yeah. Well, the point is- Good ones for us, shit ones for them. Yeah. Well, the point is- Other word,, shit ones for us. Other word pod, what all is shit. So it's out of five, it's out of five stars

in people's reviews. And look, your pod's a big success and we're very relieved to say that so is ours. Can I just ask a question? Yeah. Are these reviews of the podcast

or of our standup? The podcast. Yeah, podcast. I couldn't find any, I couldn't find, oh, you mean like the Apple reviews? Yeah.

Right, I thought you meant like critics. No, I couldn't find anyone who's I couldn't find any reviews. Oh, you mean like the Apple reviews? Yeah. Right. I thought you meant like critics. No, I couldn't find anyone who's ever reviewed your stand-up. No. They're all over my website. They're quite impressive. Reviews of our respective podcasts.

Now, on the Apple reviews, like you've got 4.9 out of 5 and we've got 4.8, which was fucking furious about. What? Why are you telling them this? I was livid. But to be fair,

statistically, we've got one and a half thousand reviews and you've only got one thousand so it could have balanced out in that way but let's let's we also have we got any ones we are we also well we are we've both got some ones oh we also we also lost a few points by because these lads are so their output's amazing and they do every and we lost a few part a few points because um pissy reviews because when i was away in guadalupe and we couldn't do new material like we'd repackage some of our like best bits and a few reviews are like one star i've seen this before it's like all right okay jesus

anyway look just to for a bit of balance almost all of them here's one for you uh pod bible best comedy podcast listening for nearly two years every episode is worth the time taken to listen laugh out loud regularly often to the point of tears five stars um you know we got stuff like we'll find them but there's no fun in that no no no let's have a look look at some of the ones that aren't five so can i just say on this right so me and carl go back to school as i was saying before and over the 10 years plus that i've been doing stand-up and dan's 20 yeah 20 what day is it two days ago i had my 20th anniversary as a stand-up so i'm nearly 12 years in and you get used to critics and people uh on twitter and reviews and whatever slagging you off and you develop a bit of a sort of thick skin, you're like, yeah, they think I'm shit.

And at first it's awful, right? But you get used to it. He's not used to it yet. Cause he really fucking gives you just about, as much as we sit here and we're the hosts and whatever, he makes the episode and he's the third Mike and a very fucking valuable one. There are a few people who specifically name him

to slag him off. Oh, wow. Bring it on. Yeah. This is my new favorite section. Is Dick's too big? To be fair, to be fair, there aren't. I just wanted to see. Oh, wow!

I didn't even know something made one up. Now I wish there was. You're going to Disneyland in Wigan. Let's just do the, you know, just be sure that like we're grateful for, look the vast, vast, 99.9% of them are people who love this, right? Just do it. So here we go.

So here's one for you guys. This is a four star. Good laugh, but please stop banging on about cocaine like you're some kind of rock star. We spoke about this! As opposed to some bellend who took a few lines on a Saturday night 20 years ago.

All very tedious. So we spoke about this. So I literally brought this up in the patreon episode this week right someone commented that and like so uh it's just so unnecessarily like eggy uh but it but it's it absolutely what's interesting about these i was reading all these and it's like people like if they go oh there's a bit that i didn't like it's like i better go on to a review and give it a once that's like why it's okay you're not gonna like every opinion and ralph i'm actually seeing a therapist for cocaine addiction yeah so that's why we've been talking

about it and someone's gone i'm fucking bored of this yeah exactly i'm so sorry because i didn't od on set during the pod which weirdly car left in in. Oh, you can talk about it now. He's obviously got a problem. So here's one. So in between incredible podcasts, five stars, this is you guys, five stars, incredible podcast. Music distracts me while I'm working. So I listen to podcasts, blah, blah, blah.

This is fantastic, et cetera. And between two brilliant five stars, you've got this. Just excellent, loving it, four stars. Why? It makes no sense. More than a one star. And that brings down your average. Why?

Just excellent. The best thing I've ever seen. Four stars. Why? It's so weird. And you honestly, you read them and you just go, I can't get it. So here we go.

Here's one. Unimprovable hit and miss this pod is absolute chaos which can make for both hilarious or boring content some episodes have you crying with laughter others you turn off after 20 minutes it lacks consistency and adam talks over or interrupts dan and the guests to the point that it can feel very awkward however however one in three episodes will be the best two hours entertainment you have that week. Three stars.

Why not just not review it? I think that's fair. I think a lot of that's fair. You stand on me more than I stand on you. No, it's true. We stand all over each other, and you've basically got to be a big boy at Garmin. So do we.

I shall find out. I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time

I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time

I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time

I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time I ignore Carl all the time

I ignore Carl all the time Carl gets just ignored 40% of the time have you ever tried doing it over Zoom you crash each other all the time

so a big part of our growth we started this January 2020 just pre-covid that's what we did at the same time as us pretty similar yeah and then went on Zoom in March

we said as a joke in like the build up to COVID because we thought like oh it's just not going to be a thing it never thought it was going to be what it became we said if we get locked down we'll do it every day and then we got locked down

and our listeners went so come on then we called it so early that with Aaron oh if we get locked down, we'll do it every day. And then we got locked down and our listeners went, so come on then. We called it so early that with Aaron, oh, if we get shut down, we'll do a shutdown daily. And everyone was like, oh yeah, that'd be great. And then obviously the branding of it became lockdown and we got hammered for it. Like, why the fuck did you call it shutdown daily?

Because we called it in late February, you fucking non. Yeah, I know. It's so, honestly honestly what people criticise and then give you like lower ratings for is quite amazing so there you go but that last one though

just a lot of it you know sometimes you gotta listen these are all five stars I'm just choked to death on that lager you cunt

these are all five stars but they're all one liners for yours and I just enjoyed them because especially if people don't listen to this and like out of context these will be enjoyable

five stars Purple Alley will bum you if you don't listen to this and like out of context, these will be enjoyable. Five stars. Purple Alley will bum you if you don't listen. Purple Alley? Purple Alley. Five stars. Five stars. Lids, lids, lids. You're a nonce if you don't listen to this.

And five stars. Adam Rowe fingered a pigeon. What about this one? This is five stars. Who's Dan? Never heard of Dan before this. He's funnier than Adam. Five stars.

Have I upset you in the build up to this? To be fair. He's handpicked these as well. To be fair, stay with me because there's some about ours. I don't come out great. Is there any about him? And I don't come out great. Oh, no.

Everyone loves him and everyone loves him. Me and you don't come out great. Okay. So. Cookie leave. Cookie leave. Right. come out great oh no everyone loves him and everyone loves him but me and you don't come out great okay so right these are these are ours right this is what it's like you say an opinion that someone doesn't like right good good podcast but a minor gripe three stars this is for us sorry but how can somebody moan about their production company having to fill in some paperwork for them to live five months in the caribbean come on ralph have a word with yourself brexit was five years ago time to move on oh fuck off do you know what i mean fuck off how incredibly specific a bitch is that really specific and three stars like bringing our rating down because i said one thing that then

they're like oh i mentioned bre and I disagree, therefore you're going to get three stars. But still not angry enough to make it one or two. No, we know. It's like just a weird thing. Anyway. Three star reviews shouldn't exist.

They're the worst ones. They're worse than one. They never get read. This is a thing amongst comedians in Edinburgh. So obviously when comedians go to the Edinburgh Festival and that's where a lot of

comedians get reviewed ever. Like nevermind, like en masse. But you read the one star reviews first the five star reviews second then the twos then the fours and you never read the threes could you just say three stars meh yeah this exists yeah if you want to waste your time yeah no you'll never get it back yeah yeah um more content please old content being uploaded lads this is specifically old content content being uploaded lads this is specifically

old content being uploaded lads i see a new episode uploaded get excited to realize only to listen to i've realized christ i can't read old content constantly being uploaded lads i see a new episode uploaded get all excited to realize i've listened to it before in the there's no punctuation in this by the way in the newest episode episode- There's so much, this is, it's like a mirror. Therapy, yeah. It's two episodes old in this one. Disappointed lads, one star. As if, like, I've got a full-time job when I'm in Guadeloupe. He's got full-

Just to let you know, Ralph, I've got a full-time job as a standup comedian and we don't ever rehash our old shit. Just to check, how is a standup comedian full-time? Don't you do a gig once an hour? Also, Ralph, you just said, I've got a full-time job when I'm in Guadeloupe. I don't know if you know.

It's not going to get a lot simpler than this. Yeah, that's true. I keep going to log on you. And remember, I had to fill in some forms after Brexit. Who filled them in? Sorry? Who filled them in? I don't fill in my own forms.

What about this? This is us. Great podcast. Just two blokes chewing the fat in a down-to-earth very funny way fantastic and must listen four stars give it five stars then you're bringing our rating down it's so weird love it but it gets worse when it has potential but sadly ruined by it okay this is what they meant has potential but sadly ruined by immature self-indulgent rubbish one star oh that Oh. That's me and you. Has potential.

Yeah. One star. Yeah, right. But also, they've got a typo, and instead of saying ruined by immature rubbish, they've written my. So it actually reads, has potential, but sadly ruined my immature, self-indulgent rubbish,

which seems fitting somehow. That guy shouldn't listen to us. No, but. I don't think. Just don't listen. So glad I came across you, Pear. You've made my weekend. You are both so funny.

Two stars. Somebody explain that to me. It's so weird. Anyway, so there's a few... Oh, Absolute Dross. This person says... How many of these is there? There's two more. This person says the word Dross...

1,500. This person says the word Dross and tosh in the same review which tells you quite a lot about this person i think absolute dross couldn't listen to this self-indulgent tosh anyway oh that was yeah self-indulgent yeah shape three stars great show shame ralph looks down his nose at will i mean that's that's not easy because it goes in so many he fills in his own paperwork. And these are the last two, and you'll see why they're important.

I love Will and Ralph doing a podcast. It's usually so funny, just as Two Pints was. But in these current lockdown times, I don't think we need to hear Will going on about his father passing away. We need the humour at the moment, not listening to Will's loss, one star. Oh, can you believe that as a review? Wow.

Who, seriously, who fucking hears that? And like I said earlier- That's a funeral director that you didn't get back to. Yeah. And honestly, like I said earlier, yes, we do a lot of immature dicking around, but when he talks about his dad, this lad was so fucking unbelievably open. and honestly like i said earlier like yes we do a lot of immature dicking around but his when he talked about his dad this lad was so fucking unbelievably i remember seeing you

and seeing how like you gotta remember as well like when you're in an entertainment business you sort of desensitize to it but we've had a lot of people when we have vicky patterson on recently we've had people say oh your podcast humanized her and she's done i'm a celeb do you know what i mean so like they've had a version of it but they're just being on there and being normal and stuff like that when a huge star goes through something they post something like that on social media or in a podcast and they talk about real stuff it it stops you being just an entertainer to these people and relates to them and cunts like that can fuck off. Well, there was a few around that, which I didn't bother reading because of the time,

but like they're going amazing to hear Will talk. So honestly, it really helped me with my mental health. It was really an incredible thing in lockdown. And it was, honestly, it was a wonderful thing that he did and a brave and fucking brilliant thing that he did. At a time when hundreds of thousands of people are struggling with loss. And it was so moving how he talked about his dad.

And then who goes on to a review and says, oh, come on, keep the laughs coming. We're going on about it. Who the fuck is that? So two things on this, right? I've started, I used to reply to trolls and be like, oh, fuck you, whatever. What I've started doing, and this, you know,

if you ever get a tweet or anything and someone's being a cunt, just try this. It's like a DM and you can get back to them. Can't really reply on them. If you get it in a DM or a tweet, try this. B,

really, really nice. Killing the kindness. So I go, look, mate, if you feel the need to message someone like that, something like that on the internet that you don't really know, you're obviously going through a really tough time

and I hope it gets better for you. Have good one adam and the next message is always do you know what i mean i'm so like they it disarms them there's there's a famous story about how sarah silverman did that somebody like said something abusive to her and she was like are you okay are you going through some do you want to talk and it became this bizarre story in of itself and they then had this dm exchange a friendship where he's like thank you so much no one's listening to me i'm really you know really in trouble and going through some stuff because no one doing that is happy yeah yeah that they can't be it's impossible to be happy and send something like that yeah i've got one thing i want to read for you now i'm not going to name the comic because it's not fair

right oh you've got to name names we can can't, because... Is it Romesh again? It's Romesh. Like the earlier story. I'll tell you what, I'm going to read this, and I'm going to put Romesh Ranganathan in it, and see if it fits. So there's a guy, and he's sort of known for doing, like,

promotional stunts at the Edinburgh Festival to try and sell his tickets, but he's not quite climbed the career ladder as fast as he would like, or whatever. This, it's just the opening paragraph of his review from his Edinburgh show in 2018 or 19. So this is the first where there's enough, right? But this is so bad.

And I believe, I don't know whether this is 100% true, I believe he went home after this review and this was about 10 days into a 30-day festival. Is it the stars or is it just the written review? It's a one-star review. From a critic. Chef's kiss. Literally, when you're a comic at the Fringe,

they're the only ones you try and go and see are the ones and the fives. Yeah, the Fonz and the fives, yeah. So here's what I think a lot of, what we would call club comedians, people who do the clubs but don't really get a lot of tv work and do uh very well at edinburgh forget about edinburgh there's a sort of a civil war amongst comedians about whether you're an edinburgh comic a club comic a mixture of the two and people go to edinburgh with an hour of really funny

comedy and then they get two and three and three and a half star reviews from critics because it doesn't have a unifying theme and a narrative and it's not about some satirical thing it's just some jokes right partly that but also partly because a big thing with edmund reviews and i only found this out a couple of months ago is they review based on the press release and the blurb and the title so if you go this is an hour about how i dealt with the loss of my dad or how i dealt with the loss of my grandma and then you don't really talk about that for an hour and you do two minutes about it at the end they go that's a crowbar piece of shit two stars do you know what i mean yeah right so this guy's sent out a press release which is how he's got this review

and obviously he's he's sold it quite well which is why he's got quite a high rank and review but anyway i'll tell you off camera this is how it starts this is the first word and there's a full stop after the first word christ oh shit it sounded so interesting it turned out so bad romesh Ranganathan's title desperately wants to be cool dangerous wisecracking

the James Bond of Edinburgh shows instead it's narcissistic tedious and deeply unfunny I want to see it though

I would have gone and seen that show I would have gone and seen that show all day long the next day yeah and that review got like spoke would have gone and seen that show all day long. The next day. Yeah. And that review got like, spoke about a lot in Edinburgh that year.

It's like, is there, has there ever been a more brutal opening paragraph to any review ever? 10 years ago, there was a show that was so famously bad and it was right from the off in Edinburgh. I was up there that year

and in the venue, there was a balcony that they couldn't sell tickets to the punters. Also, they never sold enough tickets where it was even a problem. And if you're a performer at the Fringe, you basically get a pass to go in other venues. So if there's space, as a comic, you get to just go and watch shows.

And this show became so legendary for all the wrong reasons, that the room was quiet and the balcony was rammed full of comics, and they had to stop. They had to close down. People were like, could I get a guest list for it? And they were like, no, we're not doing that anymore because comics, like by the middle of the fringe,

third week of the fringe, there was like 45 comedians up there, 23 people in the audience. So what would happen was, the comic would try and do their joke. Was this in the nightclub room of the Guild of Balloon? They wouldn't laugh. We know exactly what show it is. The crowd-

I don't, I just know the room. The crowd wouldn't laugh. And then in the pause, all the comedians would piss themselves. So the rhythm of the show was awful. And the comic was like, you can't have them up there anymore. It was just like, yeah. I genuinely do not know who it is or what show it was.

It's just you describing the room. That way I was like, oh, it's got to be. And that's how much comics act. So when you start reading one-star reviews, people will be like, oh God, they're not going to enjoy that. There's something so weirdly cathartic about when someone calls you a putter watching someone about about realize because because i read hours and i was like fuck i mean do i look down on my nose i mean i do i just didn't know anyone would notice but i was like and then well they're like but then they're so weirdly

inconsistent the ones that go this is absolutely wonderful best podcast ever two stars and you go well they don't that's ridiculous so you've got to be able to laugh at it but i have a genuine question about and i don't mean to be all kind of like uh you know hugging and learning and and sort of let's all be nice to each other sort of question but that makes me really sad for that that person that got that review and then went went home 10 days into a 30-day thing i'm like 80 sure that's true, just to be fair. Honestly, we talk about, there's a lot of talk these days about mental health, right?

But that person, they could have gone home and killed themselves after that review if their career was that big a deal to them and that's what they had and they'd worked really hard to put an hour together and spent the money on Edinburgh. So then what do you do?

Do you go, well, reviewers shouldn't be that mean that that that seems wrong as well i don't quite know okay i think that paragraph is unnecessarily mean delight it delights in being cruel yeah but i understand what you're saying but just to sort of offer the other side of it and devil's advocate a bit he has asked to be reviewed. Yeah, it's not through his letterbox. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he has begged reviewers come and watch my show and review it.

Yeah, that's true. And he's not like he's just gone to the Edinburgh Festival and gone, oh, I hope, like this is a press release. Yeah, you're right. There's a reason that in that first paragraph it sounded so interesting. And they're not assassinating him.

They're assassinating the work, really. When it borders on bullying is when it's a... Like, I've seen where it's an attack on... I got someone in a review, weird, early on, attacked my facial hair. And you're like, I don't know. Someone was like... And he's got it's almost

like a bawling facial no like yeah but like that's when he goes oh no that kind of isn't all right although that's a minor example but like they're they're being cunty yeah but at least they're being cunty about the show i think your point actually about he's asked for it he's put out a press release he's gone come on bring it because yeah you you're rolling the dice aren't you if he gets a five-star review then his career is made the thing with their career is made we don't know it's a he there's so there's so much hypocrisy within comedy in that and i suppose it's probably the same when you make a tv show and we're talking before about how two pints sort of. Like, I hate the fact that at the Edinburgh Festival, reviewers are a big part of it.

I really do. And I would love it if they weren't. I would love it if it was all on words of mouth and it was all on flyer and the effort you put into it. Or if in Edinburgh, there was a way for everyone that's bought a ticket to a show to put a cumulative five-star review together, like iTunes, like Apple Podcasts do.

So you could go in the second week of the show well adam rowe oh he's got 900 reviews and it's averaging at 4.8 yeah so why would that be less important than some disinterested professional theater reviewer who doesn't give a fuck about stand-up like it would be useful but two points when we did two points like um it's really interesting because the, like we say, the critics, they were like,

no, but word of mouth, you're talking about being a word of mouth comedian. Two Pints was a word of mouth show. It was like, Two Pints was like the ultimate word of mouth show.

Do you remember when it came out? I think that's the best thing about the success. It came from the right place. Nine series from word of mouth. Yeah, and it was, that doesn't happen

in spite of the reviews. Like, the reviews came out and it was like happen it doesn't fucking light of the reviews like the reviews came out it was like this won't last and then people like yourself whispered to each other going have you seen the show it should stick it on when you get home from from the pub or whatever and word of mouth it should by any normal metric it should have died it should have died after series one and yet it came back and back and back and back and by series four you're like rock stars remember walking out to the live audience it was amazing and back and back and back and by series four you were like rock stars remember walking out to the live audience banners and everything

I'll tell you what though the first series when people didn't know what it was you come out and there's old people knitting on the front row you think

they're not going to enjoy this guys I've got a ball hanging out my ass and they're like that what did he say did he say ass they're not going to enjoy it. We'll be lucky if they see it.

We were like, you can hear Sweets whacking off, you know, dentures. And you're thinking, that's not our audience. So it took a while to find it. And then they literally were queuing up the street. It was just overnight. People come in. One night, suddenly, it was like the live audience. We walked out.

And they literally had banners. And we walked out. It was like, what? It was like walking out like a rock star. It was amazing. I wish critics could sort of take that into account but also you know what I mean like

it's sort of the hypocrisy I was going to point out is I will happily slag off any reviewer for writing a review like that or a two star or whatever but at the same time

I'll read it and at the same time if a reviewer gives me a four or a five I will plaster it over every post that I've got yeah yeah so if the comedy industry

and the theatre industry and the theatre industry and the TV industry wants to truly get rid of this, they need to never give it any attention whatsoever. If you pay attention to five stars, you've got to pay attention to the ones and the threes. Absolutely. I think, to round off what has been quite a spectacular episode, so we have a title featured of our show.

The initial idea of Have A Word was that people could write in and ask us to have a word with their friends on their behalf. So it might be like, oh, my dad's recently divorced my mom. He's already got a new girlfriend. Will you have a word with him? Tell him that's too soon. Okay. That sort of thing.

We get a lot of correspondence like this, and Dan fished that one in. Is that all right? Because this is a crossover. Let's do it. It would feel bizarre. You guys have had two pints with will and ralph so we have so that's that's your side of the crossover and also it's nice to think of someone you just run the show and we'll just listen i brought the reviews to the party yeah and they were great thank you very much yeah that's the only five stars that's the only bit that's been

great but what about me and you talking over our respective partners that's the only bit that's not stupid. That's the only bit that's been needed out. All the five stars are great. But what about me and you talking over our respective partners? That's bad, isn't it? I felt so looked down. Were you upset? Did you look down on me? Yeah. Can you tell I'm looking down on you? From Guadalupe.

Several directions. Can't believe I have to... He can look down his nose and round the bend through his nose. At the same time. At the same time. Will needs... Ralph needs to stop looking round the corner down his nose. Yeah, can you believe that Will said that about Ralph

he must be really upset so we either criticise them we either sort of pity with them we give them advice so Rob Barber says wag wag lids listening to, oh by the way shout out to the guy who drove past my daughter's primary school as I was dropping her off

slowed his car and shouted wag wag Dan in front of all the other parents and made me look like you were my drug dealer daughter's primary school as i was dropping her off slowed his car and shouted wag wag dan in front of all the other parents and made me look like you were my drug dealer nice context just a little bit we had a guy writing a while back and he tried to open his message with wagwan and he wrote wag wag and that is now wag wag wag yeah and i'd suggest wag wag liz listen to sort of what happened with that woman from Sheffield and Jeff. Absolutely. So is this like an agony aunt?

Is this like agony auntie aunt? A little bit. Yeah. Oh my God, we're going to have a section called agony auntie aunt. We're going to have this on our tour. Go on. Wag-wag, Liz.

Wag-wag. Hey, you might need to have a word with me about this. Not sure. On my 23rd birthday, I was DJing in a gay bar one of the regulars was a lady called sam who was i imagine that's me maybe just a lady john bishop was the last called sam who was one of the fittest girls.

John Bishop's not hard of hearing. He isn't my impression of him. I've seen that. She was one of the fittest girls I've ever met. She was a regular, well out of my league, and I'd like to flirt like mad knowing it could go nowhere because she was gay. When she found out it was my birthday, she asked if I wanted to go back to hers with her girlfriend.

Thinking I'd won the jackpot, I told her I'd meet them after my set. Little did I know that the girlfriend, Tracy, would be a bit of a shock to the system. Whilst I'm not exactly a manly bloke, this girl was the equivalent of Brock Lesnar compared to me.

Overcome with fear and panic that this girl could do whatever she wanted with a strap on and there's now I could do whatever she wanted with a strap on and there's now i could do to stop it i made my excuses and left i still regret missing out on the experience of a lifetime but i probably made the right call probably too long an essay for the show absolutely not rob i'd send it anyway do you need to ever have a word with me that's from rob bob yeah 100 i'd have been there just as a spectator 100 you got i mean how do you know you'd have been jeff yeah i'd have been jeff in the corner this brings us

right back to where we started in a beautifully circular way i still am kind of furious with you for not no that wife no i'm with you on that mate i've got an image of jeff and his stained wife like look you gotta take chances in life no one on their deathbed ever has gone oh uh do you know what i'm so glad i didn't have more sex i think like fucking he should have gone in because and also maybe he would have enjoyed it. Who says she was going to do that? He should have absolutely gone back. Oh, fuck it. You've got no right to say it. He has. I have.

Because there's two women. Exactly. That's better. What? That's better. Exactly. He should have gone. But you just could have said to Jeff,

no, mate, just stay in the corner. I think it's quite difficult, Ralph. I'm just going to say this out loud as an actual human adult. I think it's quite difficult to go back to a hotel room with Geoff and Julie and ask Geoff to stay in the hall. I've actually got one of these, a real one. Oh, no. I'm sorry, Will.

Stop going on a loose bit. Let me close the laptop. No, it's a story where I go, that was one that got away. I can tell the story, but, you know, I hosted a show. I feel so tense. that was one that got away I can tell the story but you know I hosted a show I present

I was I feel so tense I'm excited Will's started this story and he's now going no I was I was hosting a show with your ex

Lisa Lisa it was a magazine review show and we was and we had Bridget Nielsen in as a guest that was Brock Lesnar we had Brock Lesnar

no Bridget Nielsen come in and shut up Carl and the producer said I was getting into the producer said

I thought that's what we did she loves younger men right and he's going she loves younger so please she wants you to do the interview just

she's American just got to sort of go with it with her right doing the interview and all that stuff and then she said it was all finished

and then she said come with me to the car so I was like okay get to the car she said she went open the door

get in the car I got in the car and she stuck the lips on me like proper stuck the lips on me she's 60 plus at this point yeah and she's 6 foot with these massive boobs

6 foot plus and 60 plus massive tits you'd have lost the other she grabbed she's a Viking queen But she hugged me You wouldn't want to

Mark her on corners Yeah Do you know what I mean If the gaffer goes Yeah Will You're on Bridget Nielsen On corners You'd be like

Oh gaffer Get some All the femininity Of Robert Huth Exactly Yeah And she put my head Between her tits

Right And I felt Like a small boy i was like fuck i was frightened i must admit i was frightened and the driver used to drive me years ago and he went all right will and i went hi with a fear in my eyes going fucking save me and she snuck me and then she went where's my hotel and she went tell him where my hotel is and and um and she said you come there tonight come to my hotel and And she went, tell him where my hotel is. And she said, you come there tonight.

Come to my hotel. And I went, yeah, all right. And she kissed me and then I got out the car and shut the door. I was like, fucking hell. And he was like,

what are you going to do? So I said, fucking hell, I'm frightened to death of you. So I said, I've got to go home. I'm going back. I was living in Manchester at the time.

I've got to go home. Anyway, the missus rings me and I tell her, I tell her, Bridget Nielsen just stuck her lips on me she wants me to go back

to her fucking hotel and she's laughing anyway that's so sound what a sound missus because she knows because she knows I'm shitting myself

I'm like fucking hell frightening it was it was frightening attack of the 50 foot woman anyway I'm on the train and the phone rings

hey Will it's bridget and i was like fuck she's got my number from production where are you who gave it to where are you i said i'm on the train i'm on the way home oh my god you should be here with me why are you not here why are you so boring but i went i've got a girlfriend oh oh my god will you're so and then i go I go home anyway. Then on the way back that night, I'm going out to pick a takeaway up. The phone rings again.

Hey, Will, it's Bridget. I went, please, Bridget, please. I'm not interested. I've got a girlfriend. It was me fucking girlfriend winding me up. Hearing me. She was like, I'm at your house. She was literally just like, I'm coming to see you. Where are you? And I was like, I'm not your house and she was literally just like

I'm coming to see you where are you and I was like I'm not in Manchester I've got my girlfriend with me and it was Michelle and my wife who wasn't my wife at the time

but imagine if I said Bridget I'm in London next week I'll come then I'll fuck the shit out of you imagine if Michelle would have gone oh will you now

you know what I mean it could have gone so wrong I've never thought of that as an idea but now that you've said it I could have gone listen I'm in London next thought of that as an act, but now that you've said it... I could have gone, listen, I'm in London next week, I'm coming and I'm bringing some weapons.

I'm impressed with Michelle that she can knock out a Bridget Nielsen impression that quickly. Just like that. I was that frightened any American would have done it for me. I was fucking... She didn't even do an accent.

Mr. T. She's like, all right, Will. Bridget, I'll be there next week and I'm bringing Brock Lesbo with me. And her tools so honestly so what do you think do you think I should have

I think Will should have gone with Bridget if you were single yeah come on aside from the fact that like he was with Michelle so forget

so that makes it null and void but I 100% had he not been with Michelle think that Will 100% should have done it early 20s oh my god

listen and also as a comedian in my head I'm like even if I go back 100% should have done it. Early 20s? Oh my God. Listen. And also as a comedian, in my head I'm like, even if I go back and she pulls my knob off, it might be like a funny story. Right. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, this needs to, just for one second, because you can go fuck yourself now. Right. Harsh, isn't it? Yeah. See why he gets those fucking two-star reviews.

Hold on, wait. He talks over Dan. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck off and die. You can fuck off. see why he gets those fucking two star reviews hold on wait he talks over Dan whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa fuck off and die you can fuck off a while back

we were talking about whether we would shag Mother Teresa on her deathbed right and you said no and I said I'd do it for the story and you called me a fucking asshole

98 year old nun Mother Teresa horny Viking Queen Brock Lesnar. Red Sonja. Please. Please, I've died.

Even it might make a good anecdote. Could you come and fuck me? I've got to ask, what's Mother Teresa offering? Oh, so whatever you want. Some wet. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The only thing, I was proper panicking That I thought

I'm not going to be Out of handler And that's what Frightened me You'd be a bucket You'd be on a booking bronco Fucking hell Bridget As far as I'm concerned

Jesus Christ As far as I'm concerned Will should have done that Michelle notwithstanding Let's pretend he was single Will should have done that You 100% should have Gone back to the hotel

With the woman from Sheffield back when you were 21 you should be ashamed that you didn't are you single Ralph? no no but if I was 21

if I was 21 and I just got sucked up I was just going to look to camera and say if the couple are watching if this gets back to them Ralph is up for it because he's clearly up for it hey a mother Teresa

make a call you don't know that me and my missus aren't swingers don't judge us okay well good do the camera thing hello Jeff Julie Janice whatever your names are you don't know that me and my missus aren't swingers don't judge us do the camera thing hello, Jeff, Julie, Janice

whatever your names are and if your daughter, Jane if you're watching Ralph, he's very disappointed in me and that would obviously mean that he'd be up for the opportunity so if you just email us at haveawedpod at gmail.com email HAW blind date

we're doing a big blind date show and we'll have you on. It'll be the weirdest three ever behind a screen. And also, also, get Rob involved because as we've all agreed,

he fucked up that opportunity that he really should have taken. He should have gone back with them girls. Exactly. Because you don't think you've got... You never know. I think if you're single, you've got to take these opportunities

and just see, let the chips fall where they may, no? To just have the experience with two lesbians, just off to suck it off. What? Off to what? To suck off the what? The dildo?

Wait, yeah. Oh, what? Why? It might be part of it, Fanta. Maybe she just- That won't be awkward. Maybe that'll do. It has to be said that we've assumed

in this entire scenario that serious sexual assault is gonna take place. That's not necessarily a fact. Like somebody- She might have said a fact. Like somebody in this scenario could have turned up with a strap on and you'd have gone, I'm not into that. And they might've gone,

all right, well then I won't sexually assault you. Yeah, Tracy might just have been in the corner like, yeah, like Jeff. Yeah, exactly. There you go. She's going to use the strap on, on her girlfriend. Yeah, you're not involved.

While you're involved with the girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. I love it how he's like, oh, I'm going to get bummed. I'm just looking to cover all bases. Lord, let's be clear. They're into with the girlfriend. Yeah, exactly. I love it how he's like, oh, I'm going to get bummed. I'm just looking to cover all bases. Let's be clear. They're into women. And Rob thinks that this woman's going to walk out

with a strap on and go, ah, do you know what? I've had it wrong this whole time. That guy's the one for me. She's going to be with a girlfriend. P.S. I want a hairy bum hole tonight. Well, boys.

Wow, what a finish. This has been fucking brilliant yes fabulous for our listeners Ralph Little and Will Millett first of all

they're going on a huge tour which has been delayed because of Covid where can they get tickets for that tour boys good question sea tickets

go to sea tickets but if you go to my Instagram or Ralph's willmiller76 or Ralph's Instagram yeah but there's in our bio you can click the link and Ralph's, Willmilla76 or Ralph's Instagram. There's an official thing we're supposed to say about this. Yeah, but in our bio, you can click the link and it's got all the details on there.

But Ralph's going to tell you some other ways. It's like a literal official thing. Oh, here we go. 2pintspodcast.com. There you go. That would make more sense. There you go. Go to that.

So you can get live tour dates, podcasts, sign up for our Patreon, and information about where to get tickets. Check them out on all our social medias, the podcast, the viral group releases the podcast on Facebook as well, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the Series 3 is coming in the next couple of weeks and we've got lots more guests, lots more happening. How about we do, since we've done a crossover here and it's been great fun, why don't you guys get down to London

and come into our space in our pub where we do ours and we'll do a second episode of our crossover 100% up for that oh yeah and we could stick that on our Patreon maybe

you could get down to that London I've heard of it it'd be fun for you that one yeah and if you're watching us for the first time and you've come via

Ralph and Will we do a public episode every Monday on YouTube and on all podcast subscribers and We do a public episode every Monday on YouTube and on all podcast subscribers. And we do an extra episode of this bullshit on patreon.com slash have a word pod. Yes, I'm going on tour too.

adamrowe.co.uk forward slash shows. And he's going on tour. Tickets at dannightingale.com. And I think that just about... And I have to get my production company to fill in some forms when I go to Guadalupe. So we all have our cost system there and you're doing

live comedy real soon at my night in Liverpool that's scary he scared me when he mentioned the tour confirmed

that's booked that's booked bring the strap on thanks for having us in boys thanks very much cheers guys thanks for having us me gone