Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #16 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

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And enjoy the fucking episode. Lick it. Okie dokie, pickin' a pokey! Good morning, job seekers Oh my god, okay, it's happening Catch me outside, how about Dave? Is that Dave? No, there's no one called Dave here

Who the fuck is that guy? Have you never seen me before? Upset me, nasty bitch It's the end of the world as we know it And I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word, Shut Down Dailies. Let's get through this mess together. Good morning, Jobseekers!

Day four of the Haverwood Shutdown Dailies. No, God, right. If there's someone who's offered to do some voiceover, Geordie voiceovers, let's just get in contact right now. Okay. Because you sound like you're a Geordie constipated. I think it's quite good.

What's happened to your headphones? They hurt my big ears. Ah, so you just got your little pods in. I've changed them. What do they call them? In-ears. What do they call them? They're over-ears. They over ears they're in ears in ears yeah yeah you've got you were literally scanning that to check if i was an old bastard there i thought you were going is he being an

old bastard i was just forgetting words so i prefer the over ears anyway yeah for a long time because they they end up hurting in my ears. But I do feel a little bit like with my baseball from there's something about Manny when I put them on. Fancy beers. Hey, what's up, Manny? Like every time we put a video out

and I see these headphones on myself, I do feel like at some point i'm just pre-empting it now because at some point someone's gonna edit that in it's probably gonna be today now um someone's put me on the back of a fucking lion someone's definitely gonna photoshop me into a dvd cover of this sort of about meaning fuck me yeah um what is it what is the fireman show we've got a bleeder what i haven't seen the film in so long the only reference I've got of me well there's two obviously there's this one and

the cum in the hair they're the two phenomenal it's a great film is it the Farrelly brothers like really childish shit that I love it's a load of nonsense it's a load of brilliant nonsense Ben still have vintage shit what's he called the character that's a load of brilliant nonsense ben still have vintage shit what's uh what's the

what's what's he called the character that that's a bit i don't know and it's clearly like a 35 year old man like when they're doing like oh yeah he's 17 he's definitely a 35 year old i remember watching that going fuck that kid's old it's like when you like in the in-betweeners and they're all meant to be 16, but they're all like 43. And they've got bags under their eyes like, our careers aren't going very well everywhere else, so here we are doing a fucking reunion of this shit. An American pie. Yeah.

That's why I love watching Superbad, because I'm going, both of you did fucking great. So I don't have to feel sad for you. A, Superbad, the film. Now this is controversial because people love The Inbetweeners and American Pie. I think Superbad shits on the lot of it.

Oh no. For teenage comedy, I think Superbad does shit on American Pie. I think The Inbetweeners is one of the funniest TV programs of all time I think it's so funny and I think that sort of came out

while I was in sixth form so it was heavily relatable and I've watching some 29 year olds pretend to be you the thing that but I've got mate to fit those

there's a lad there's a mate of mine I'm sure he listens to the podcast as well But we used to have to call him out On some bullshit His name was His name was Paul Bedson And he's just Jay

From the Inbetweeners Right And we didn't see him For two weeks And he'd come back And he's like I've been to Thailand Haven't I?

I've been to a A Mai Tai training camp in Thailand This is a 100% true story And we were like You haven't posted anything about it On social media And he's like yeah but

you're not supposed to why are you supposed to just be there and be a bit of zen and that first rule of bullshit is don't put anything on the internet

because then your bullshit gets called out second rule is don't talk about my Thai fucking training club that's I don't know

there's Chris Washington I've just seen recently with a great bit about bullshit about that Google has ruined the era of bullshitters from school. Garrett Millerick had a great bit in his last show

about how Google has ruined pub bullshitters. I think Washington Garrett Millerick fucking accidentally got the same bit because that's the base of it. But that era of like, no, actually, let me tell you why fuck it and you're like half pissed you know that you can't fact check it but now everyone's like uh turns out phil you're a fucking moron i won't i won't ruin the bit or the the show too much but

shout out to garrett garrett's one of my favorite comics working in the uk i love him and uh his bit was about that he got told in a pub once that... So he'd been to a concert at his student union and Rick Astley was on. But he wouldn't sing Never Gonna Give You Up.

Right? He did a three-hour concert but didn't do that. So it's just a lot of students like, what the fuck are we doing here? He did it right at the end but then didn't sing it and made the audience a forum and he said someone told him that uh someone's bought the legal rights to sing never gonna give you up um and barred rick hasley from

ever singing it in public so that's why he doesn't do it and there's like three student union people he knows people from three different studios where this all happened yeah yeah yeah um and he's like when i got told it i've i vowed to never google and check it um and he did it in the show and he's like please no one in this room just go away and believe that for the rest i don't want to know yeah it's better to not know yeah i love it how that is a very, like, that is almost like a microscopic version of the same shit that everyone's been doing on WhatsApp. And I know it was funny, but people have been ripping them

for the last, like, two weeks. Like, mate, just got some information because my nan knows a guy from Bowls Clubs whose son is really high up in, like, NASA. And they're saying... I did one of them. And Ed Hedges messaged me and said, is that real?

Poor little puppy. Dumb, dumb. But to be like, mate, I know three people that work pretty high up in student unions that say Rick Astley has lost their rights. Now, I understand there's a legal system and you can own property, like artistic property. How is it legally right? It can't be.

Rick Astley would be like dude you could don't ruin this for me I've never googled it oh no I'm not going to find out no no I don't even put a thousand me

I don't want as far as I'm concerned he went to prison what are you in for yeah sang me own song what was it never going to give you up

if only I'd known the terrible double meaning never gonna give you that's brilliant that he I'd love it if it'd be for the fact he's like he's fucking bored of it

so he doesn't so he just won't play it and everyone's like what are you doing what are we doing here imagine going to a Rick Astley concert though and

yeah no Hanson went no umbop yeah guys we're not gonna do umbop do umbop no guys we've moved on we're gonna do music from our new album didn't know you had one do the fucking song it's like do it eight times it's like when you see one of the actors from friends in a new film and you're like shut up chandler chandler would never say that! I get that with it.

Is it Ian McShane who was Lovejoy? He's been in... He was what? In Lovejoy. What's Lovejoy? Oh, no. Is this like an old-timey programme? Yes, it is. Oh, no.

Grandad Daniel. It was on the telly box when it was small and square. I can't... What is it? It was on the picture wireless. I remember coming out of the last war. The Boar War. I'm getting a detective-y vibe.

You know Ian McShane, don't you? No. Fuck a doodle. Fuck flap. I don't know if it's right. Just for anyone listening, I'll have to fill this out. Yes, I got his name right. Ian McShane.

You do know Ian McShane. his name right. Ian McShane. You do know Ian McShane. I don't know Ian McShane. You know Ian McShane. I don't know Ian McShane. He does know Ian McShane. I don't. No, but you do. I swear.

I swear to God I do not know that man. It's Lovejoy. Now he's in loads of different things. And this story's not very good. Did it used to be in silent films? I've lost confidence in my own bullshit. Was Lovejoy a Charlie Chaplin thing? No.

No. In the old music halls. Yeah, a guy in the car. Nice song. I like it. I feel bad for bands, though. Why did you pick Lovejoy? I just... that's I feel bad for bands though why did you bring Lovejoy I just

it's the same shit you know you did that friends bit yeah I'm just gonna we're on year four of the shutdown daily I tried to add to it

and it was crap yeah because no one and none of our listeners know Lovejoy there might be like four or five like in your

fuck you your age i will literally if i honestly if i didn't have arthritis i fucking slap you with my claw dead hand throw my tablets what type of program oh it's just a shit joke i was trying to add on to yours and it was yours was good it was like yeah i agree tell me about your program no i don't want to use from olden times we are shut down for a while maybe i will run out of netflix series and i'll have to i don't know there's all the tape oh i've enjoyed that can i have the videotape of Love, Joy season one, please? I think I've got some videotapes in this house.

It's probably that old where every episode's got its own tape. They've got a six-tape set to watch three hours of footage. I've got the new episode. Box after box I feel bad for bands that have one hit because it's the worst like artistically

you're fucked aren't you if you don't want to go and work in Costco you have to do the appearances and sing that bastard song but there must be every bit of it. You're like, I've gone so far into hating it. Do you reckon there's some, though,

that are just happy to get out of whatever they've been working on before? But no, because while it was happening, they were like, I'm going to be a fucking star. Because if it's one of those big ones... But there's going to be some people who just know. Like the ketchup song. I said it here, I heard it here, I heard it here. to be some people who just know like the ketchup song i said they they they knew that was their one yeah i thought about uh little now as you know old time road yeah i'm gonna take my horse to the old town road i'm gonna ride

i've got that score you're never gonna have another hit written all over it innit But then he came out as gay Oh Very on point Touche That's a fucking agent move that Yeah Is it?

Yeah Like look Right don't come out as gay before the first one The first one's gonna bang anyway Okay Yeah Then you come out as gay Everyone's like oh my god

Oh my god I haven't got a second song Guess what you've got a second sexuality there's we've got two circles here right we've got gay people and we've got people who like hip-hop now there's not an artist who fits in the middle of this venn diagram and we feel like that could be you currently neither like you let's try and fill the hole in between sorry let's imagine them as two bum cheeks you want to be right down the middle there okay and have you seen love joy no you've not seen love joy fair enough because you're a 22 year old american black kid and it'd be weird if you had all right yeah that's that it's because it doesn't matter how...

Because I see some... We work with comics who are, like, on the way down. You ever done that? Yeah. So we built him up yesterday, but I saw Dylan Moran about five years ago when he'd not done a gig for eight months and he'd been doing acting jobs.

He'd accepted this, like, £2,000 festival gig. Me and Carl Donnelly were supporting him. He was like, well, hello. What am I doing? Oh, I've had some thoughts, you know. And he was literally like, it was that level of like, you know, he's a bit discombobulated. I'm discombobulated too,

genuinely not knowing what the fuck he was going to talk about. He's like, oh, I don't know. I've had a thought. What did you think about that? And the crowd were like, oh my God, this is dog shit. It was five minutes of like, hey, Dylan Moran. We love black books.

Oh, this is exciting. And it was crap. Yeah, you've got to stay gig fit as a comedian. That's a woody in it for when we all come out of this. But at least you can change your shit. So even if it's fading and people are still booking you on

when you're good, they're not going, oh, come on. Like Peter Kay might not be as good as he was, but no crowds. With comedians, you expect new stuff. And it must be, as a comedian who's been around a while, you've hit the heights, you've now taken a little bit of a, oh, God, I was once doing huge.

I did Montreal Comedy Festival. Now I'm doing Shrewsbury Comedy Festival. Much love, Shrewsbury. Love you, and I appreciate the work. Make up Kev Bland, but y'all. But at least you get to say new stuff. Whereas, if you're,

I mean, I'm trying to think. Yeah, there's no, like, no one's going to, Chesney Hawks. No one's going to a pizza gate going,

do garlic bread. We want the classics. Anyway, I've got a new bit. Don't do the new bit. Do garlic bread eight times. The walking to the dance floor dance. Have you heard that Peter Kay's lost the right to the garlic bread bit?

That's what I've heard. That's why he doesn't do it anymore. Someone's bought the rights to garlic bread. Oh, dear. Do you think, I think, my worry with stand-up is you've always got to be moving forward and getting better. Yeah.

And if you stop, even if it's just, like, psychological, to make yourself feel like there's momentum is important. Yeah. As soon as you go, oh, this isn't happening, does it all just stop? And you lose that fucking spark.

I can't let myself think about that because I'll go insane. I'm so competitive though. And I think we've said this on the pod before. I think that's why a lot of American comics are sort of ahead of our top tier is that they're always gig fits. As soon as they take their special,

they're back in the gym, they're back in the comedy clubs a week after working on new stuff. Whereas some of our top stars can take like a year off and be like, I've just earned 5 million quid. I'm going to chill for a bit. You never see famous British acts drop in on a weekend.

Very, very rarely. But it is different over here. That's what the cultural thing is. You're not allowed to bump people over here. In New York and LA, that's part of the deal. If Dave Chabelle turns up, you get paid to

not do it yeah we have talked about this already on the pod yeah but uh i uh will you just do me this favor as you drag me along with your career if you get fucking big dogs yeah will you buy a comedy club mate just honestly come on. You know, like some famous people have charities where they support a dog shelter. If you get really famous, would you support a comedy club for... It basically would be like a kennel for fucking failed comedians.

I don't like that one. For just £3 a month, you can support Dan Nightingale I didn't know we were naming them I just named the first four We found Freddy wandering the streets of Berska Breaking curfew People just He was just stopping passers-by Husker, breaking curfew.

People just... He was just stopping passers-by, which they didn't like, you know, because of social distancing. They go, what's your name? I want to do for a living. I want to paint a picture. Stand very still, I'm trying to paint your picture. Who remembers Lovejoy? Do that for us. Do that for us.

Do that for us. Would you? Would you buy a club? I would if like Hot Water wasn't there anymore. Or I'd maybe try and invest in that. But I think that they're never going to need my investment.

They are millionaires. Someone sent in a would you rather and it's anonymous. And I wasn't planning to do it but we've stumbled on it. Okay. Would you rather get ready for this because I know you but we've stumbled on it. Okay. Would you rather... Get ready for this, because I know you don't take this banter very well.

Is this football relations? Easy. Breathe, breathe, breathe. Would you rather Liverpool win the treble next year, when football's back on, you've obviously got one title, morally, you know, spiritually, if not officially, we don't know.

Let's not get into it. I wish I'd not said that. Chop, fucking chop. Yeah. Liverpool win the treble next year, but you can't get a laugh for 10 years. The arse falls out of your stand-up. Something goes,

and then all of a sudden you're like, Adam really wishes he'd built that fucking comedy club or Liverpool come runner-up at best in every competition they play they're not necessarily always runner-up but they can never do better than runner-up but you become McIntyre big like one of the two, three biggest names in stand-up in the country.

Pow, would you rather. Can I still do this podcast? Hang on. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can. Technically, you can. But you're not funny on it. No, it's just I can't get my laugh from my stand-up. Shit, yeah yeah you can podcast

stand up Scott then Liverpool win the treble would you really do that I can't stress the degree to which yeah

one treble yeah however Jürgen's boys look pretty good everyone's had a rest but what's to suggest

they're not going to come back and win that treble anyway yeah but the other option isn't they might win the treble. The other option is they never win anything again,

and they always finish back. For 10 years. For 10 years. Yeah, no, that's... It's a 10-year sentence. No, no, no. As long as I can still do this and be funny in real life and do this, and get, like, people keep signing up to their Patreon.

But hang on, Adam. How long have you gone without gigging? Was the last gig you did with me in manchester for your tour sport you didn't do your own tour support 15th of march yeah yeah yeah i'm doing okay how are you feeling not great but i reckon it'll get like it's it's also going to be like you know those viruses you've seen of the coronavirus yeah right where it like

peaks at one point and then it like it's almost it's a very normal curve isn't it like very symmetrical

I think that's how the stress of not doing gigs is going to go so there's in about a two weeks to a month's time we're going to hit the peak

and I'm going to be like itching for a gig but then every day after that it'll get easier and easier and easier for a couple of months and then you won't need it as much anymore. We're not at the worst of it. No. But we're asking people to watch live stream comedy to take away some of the edge of the curve.

We're trying to flatten the curve by doing stand-up from our fucking couches. Yeah. How are you feeling on the old... I'm so impressed with you, by the way, because McIntyre's pretty big, Adam. Yeah. And you've just said that you are a competitive motherfucker. Yeah.

I mean, that's beyond your dream, isn't it? I mean, the dream is to make it, make it, but that's like fucking Euro... That's like saying, do you want to win the lottery? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shit, that was a Wednesday for 2.1 million. Here's 150. Yeah. No, I you want to win the lottery? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Shit, that was a Wednesday for 2.1 million. Here's 150. Yeah.

No, I need Liverpool to win this treble. As long as I can still do this. If this wasn't here and we couldn't podcast, I'd probably have to go the other way because I need that crazy vote. That's what I'm going to go mental. God. It's put a lot of fucking pressure on you, isn't it?

Yeah. It's really bad people keep ringing me and going you alright mate I'm like yeah I have to remember to be like

oh it's fucked innit oh yeah we're meant to be having a bad time what if the lockdown's still going on in June I'll be like podcast's gonna be fucking singing by then

that that is incredible I'd have put money on that going the other way then really have you thought about doing any live streaming this is stopping the need for in it because i don't you if you're listening to this you've probably seen comics are starting to to do live streams of their

stand-up from like their living room stroke couch yeah and it's making me feel a little bit i don't know i'm sort of i'm i'm empathizing and it's i find i find the idea of it difficult do you know what i see this the same way i see people who like rugby okay i don't get it i'm not getting involved, but you crack on. I'm not saying it is shit. I'm just saying from my point of view, it just looks a bit shit. I just, I don't know what anyone watching or performing is getting from it, apart from, like,

obviously they're doing, like, sort of you can donate online sort of thing at the end of the show if you've enjoyed it. And look, any comedian at the minute we're all fucked that's why we've gone to do this every day a for our creative outlet b to maybe generate a bit of income from the the patreon and stuff and any comedian who is going right look i i was carved in with comedy i've got no part-time job i can't do anything else at the minute that's by the way i'm i'm ringing around a lot because

i'm a talker on the phone anyway i like a chat on the phone but i think it's we've got mates that usually i wouldn't ring yeah for whatever reason because they're busy people or we're just not mates like i'm ringing around a lot of people there's a lot of fear yeah worry genuine concern that like where's the light at the end of this tunnel i had a text today from a friend of ours going fuck downloads just gone how long mate he was like genuinely how long is this going on for and and i was i'm trying to be positive going look downloads gone because to get download on in june you need april and may yeah because you can't put on a festival for a hundred thousand people in a field in the East Midlands without that run-up.

If they reduce the restrictions, we're allowed to go out, we're allowed to go, even if it's social distancing, so you have to have space in the comedy club, which can be done, 100, 150 cap or whatever. We can organise stand-up in a day. If you told me, what is it now, Thursday, if you told me you need a bill for Saturday, I've got the PA, I've got chairs,

we've not got chairs, if someone's got chairs, I could find comedians in three phone calls. One post. 100%. So in theory, that's a bit of a relief, but... People are genuinely worried is what I'm saying. Stand-up will come back quite sharpish once we're allowed to congregate again. However, what I'm basically saying is,

I don't really understand it, but that doesn't matter. I think any comedian who is doing anything creatively at the minute and up in their content put out, I've seen some people slagging off like, oh, more comedians doing this. They've got nothing else to do, mate. They've got no other job. A lot of them live alone.

A lot of comedians do live on their own or in a flat share with other comedians. There's fuck all to do. So, there's loads of comics. There's good friends of the podcast who are constantly

sharing our videos. Tez Ilias keeps putting sketches out. Kay Caird. If you don't know Kay Caird, go and follow him now. K-A-E-K-U-R-D. He's done more content

since the shutdown was enforced than most working professional comedians have done in their career. Oh, yeah, 100%. He's just like, oh, every day. Of course I've got a video with 20,000 views. It's what I do.

He's got a stand-up special that he produced with his agents, just them two. That's on YouTube. He's got a comedy experience he filmed. He's doing a daily podcast now as well. They call it the Lockdown Daily or something like that. Very close, Kev. Very close to being a fucking phone call that, mate.

You'd better not have anything about Lovejoy. I'll tell you that right now, because we're in Lovejoy corner, mate. That is ours. Back the fuck off. Talk about rugby. He's done interviews on his Instagram Live. He had someone from America, a friend of his, who's got coronavirus and is really, really ill.

He got an interview with them to go through what it's actually like, how it's being handled by the health service. had uh someone from america a friend of his who's got coronavirus and is really really ill he got an interview with them to go through what it's actually like how it's being handled by the the health service he had a doctor on who who he got he met through like a few connections like doctor what what can you like we're not getting proper information from the government kk is destroying this lockdown he's doing very well and he's been a bit picky himself. He's felt a bit under the weather. He's 100% confident it's not Corona because he's sneezing a lot

and that's not a symptom of it. But just respect the hustle. Mate, Kay makes, I've got sort of a reputation amongst comedians which is,

I will leave, this sounds like I'm wanking myself up. Pedophile. Yeah, I'm a nonce, a full blown. I wanted to be honest about what everyone thinks about you. I've got a myself up. Pee-de-fah. Yeah, I'm a nonce. A full-blown... I wanted to be honest about what everyone thinks about you.

I've got a little bit of a rep of being a hard worker. And that I put a lot of content out and stuff from other comics. Cakehead makes me feel like the fattest, laziest twat on the planet. Go and follow him. He's a grinder. Do you know what's funny about people going, oh, great, another comedian doing live streaming, another comedian doing snippets.

You're like, don't watch it then. Please don't watch it. You just unfollow. Just don't watch it. Do you know, two people, as I was starting podcasts at the end of last year, that was going to become this one, one promoter that we know well, when podcasting's dead, Dan, it's all about video.

I was like, so where's the need for that where's the need for the negativity and another comic i was like oh yeah me and adam have got a podcast going they were like great that's what we know that that's what we need two more straight white guys doing podcasts and you're like actually we've got an african voiceover lady so and i'm part of the LGBTQD MFI DPD hermosexual community that's a fact

hope you're not listening for the first time because that doesn't make sense and I've got a lazy eye so there's the negativity to get it out however

I totally agree with you I love the hustle that Hot Water are doing they're showing from two weeks ago when we were at Hot Water they're showing us one of the Saturday night shows

they're live streaming it the audience were there it's only two weeks ago relatively fresh it's not banging on about coronavirus couple of covid19 jokes because we didn't know what was about to happen yeah but that's what they're doing yeah they've filmed the full shows for years and they've now got them back back cataloged and i think there's the one from the week after that you were on because yeah the week after 13th and 14th of March, I was at Hot Water. They're going to do that next week.

So you can sort of pay a few quid to see. I get that. That's fresh. No one's seen it. It's a full show. And it's in a comedy club. And there's people laughing as well. To stream my stand-up, this is where we're at an advantage

because what we're doing here is what we've been doing for three months yeah what we're doing what people are doing from the couch like who's drinking it's fucking and nothing coming back you're like do you know when you're watching a comic and they get the fit you can tell they've got the fear because they're not getting a lot back i'd i'd be in minute three from my couch live streaming going fuck i'm dying here because we're tuned in to be like this is not going well yeah even with this podcast

we get an immediate response from each other like when I say something funny at least when you laugh I go like that was probably funny then or vice versa

do you know what I mean so whatever you're doing hustling we appreciate you but I'm fucking I'm not going to be doing comedy from my couch No

I've got enough shit To deal with here mate Also this is This takes up fucking What four hours a day It takes me an hour To get here Ish I have to allow an hour

Then we record for Between an hour and two Normally hang out For a little bit A little cuddle Oh no sorry We've stopped that Social distancing

Tongue fuck Tongue fuck your butthole I've got some news. The shutdown wank ban. Did you have a wank? No. It got me late. Laura listened to the episode.

She was like, what have you been saying? What have you been saying? And I was like, I'm just saying. Just telling everyone what I did I said I've got needs you're like no not now not at the moment

too much going on pandemic and I think I think I I wank shamed her oh my god I know I got laid last night

that's fucking quality that's really good I'm sorry do you know what I feel I feel like and you start off and broke your wanker because you didn't have a wanker

I have I am a man of my word relax he is a man of his have a word oh that made me feel a bit nauseous a cake head wouldn't have done that joke you know so you don't need me to stand in the corner again today will you stand in the corner tonight with law i'm just to spice it up. Babe, you're going to have to get Adam out of the bedroom. Adam's not looking. Adam's not looking.

Adam's looking at the lamp. You're my life partner. He's my business partner. Let's crack this fucker on. Send in your questions and suggestions to haveawadpod at gmail.com. Let's crack on with this nonsense what feature am i singing for what are we about to do daniel tell me will you tell me we've got some questions oh go on just before we um crack on i i want to say first of all can i sing that oh before we crack on that's what it feels like. Go on. Thank you.

I had quite a lot of messages yesterday saying, yeah, definitely you should drop an hour stand-up special. Now, I'm getting it edited. It's only going to be from one camera angle. It's not like a fully professionally produced special, but I'm going to put an hour to stand up out next week. The SD card. It's gone, Dan.

It's gone away and secondly if anyone is into sports at all I'm going to be on BBC Radio 5 Live's Fight and Talk

on Saturday morning I pre-recorded that earlier today via Zoom yeah so if you're into sports and you want to hear more of me

which is mental at the minute because you're getting an hour of this a day yeah BBC Radio 5 Live Saturday morning Fight and Talk with Colin Murray and other guests you've done it before Fight and Talk mental at the minute because you're getting an hour of this a day um yeah bbc radio five live saturday morning fight and talk with colin murray and other guests you've done it before fighting talk haven't you yes what's it like what's it like to do it's really fun pressure a lot of pre a lot of pre-writing or just a little bit so you get sent like 10 questions and you have to come up

with um an informed or funny answer to each one and you get points based on how good your answer is and how funny it is and whatever. Basically, it's a contrast of knowledge and bounce. It's been a while since I've listened to it. Yeah, and I was the only comedian on today's panel and I came joint last. Touché.

Spoiler! That competitive edge really let you down on that one. We've got some... Oh, we need to do a shout-out as well before we do the BBC Radio 5 Live. Face Jedi! Mate, I think so far there's got to be like a wall of honour, haven't there, of like people that have been amazing for the pod.

And we've mentioned a few of them. The sponsors that have come on at the time of need. Anyone who signed up for the Patreon has been legendary. I've just decided something. Yeah? We're going to do this at least once a week. We're going to do a shout-out to a Hall of Famer fan. All right, yeah.

Because we're getting a lot of correspondence from people and they're making this podcast happen and the first one has got to go to this guy, hasn't it? Face Jedi. Sorry to interrupt you there. No, you're right. I totally agree. I think it's a great idea.

Once a week, we Hall of Fame them. And when... So what day is it today? We'll do that every Thursday while we're on shutdown. So he's our first Hall of Famer. He's our first Hall of Famer. First ballot Hall of Famer. Yeah.

I don't know his real name, though. I've forgotten it, too. I think it's Chris. Is it? It is Chris. Base Jedi. He's Base Jedi something on Twitter, but you will have seen us retweet a lot of his stuff.

He's constantly in contact with the podcast, but it was him who got us the Beer 52 sponsor. Yeah. He tweeted Beer 52 and was like, lads, these lads have been making this podcast for a while. They're going daily. They're going to need some support. Any chance you could sponsor them? And they got in touch with us and was like, Bass Jedi said, you need a sponsor?

Do you want us to sponsor you? So, Bass Jedi, first Hall of Famer. Round of applause. You're a fucking legend, mate. We love you. And he came to see us both in Manchester as well. He was at my Manchester tour show. He's seen us both there. Yeah. He's a ledge and we love you, mate. And he was like, where's Dan he was at my Manchester tour show he's seen us both there yeah he's a ledge and we love you mate

and he was like where's Dan and I was like kiss me outside how about that yes it was in context we've got some questions

we've got some questions cool now I'm trying to change up this middle bit I just want a little bit of contrast yeah because when it's weekly when it was weekly

we've got a little we do this we do that we do this we need a little bit of contrast yeah yeah we're that, we do this. We need a little bit of contrast. Yeah, yeah. We're artists, Adam. I've been laid.

I'm a different person. Had sex with a woman. Is that why you've changed your hat? Yeah. So whenever you've been laid the night before, you can let me know. You don't have to tell me anymore. No.

Just get the hat. No, it's where the jizz went. We did a something about Mary tribute. Oh, why did you take it there? But I'm bald and it's just crusted oh that's nasty i was in the sun as well oh i've got i've had sunburn twice this week your head looks like a lasagna you just got creamy cheese on a tap all bubbly from the sunlight it's so funny when you got oh you took it there and i know in your head you're like let

me take it a little bit further. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're never going to top me. I am a competitive filth. Yeah, yeah. Your ma. Your fucking na. Your na.

Your nana. No. No. Your nan. Your nan. Yeah. Your ma. Your fucking nan.

Your ma. Your na. Your ga ga. Ga ga. Do you know what that is great grandma yeah cool alright cool

if you had to fuck one of your mum your nan and your great grandma who would you fuck my great grandma because I'd be able to time travel

back in the olden times I'd literally fuck her watching Lovejoy I'd put Lovejoy in the picture wireless times. I'd literally fuck her watching Lovejoy. I put Lovejoy in the picture wireless. Oh, what is this? Nasty bitch. Offset me.

We've just walked into another Would You Rather. Would You Rather. I'm fucking, this is me on the fly. This is what happens when i've got laid i'm just fucking i'm like loose flexible pow so we're not doing the question yeah we are doing the questions we're gonna come back to it because you've got a would you rather now would you rather you're a flexible man you're damn flexible nightingale i've been doing yoga in the morning have i fuck would you rather spend a day 500 years in the future or 500 years in the past you can't be

killed murdered you've got sort of you're not like you don't just go back 500 years and they go are you protestant or catholic and you're like hey he's unburned like you you don't get into that fucking medieval shit and 500 years in the future they don't just go that fucking medieval shit. And 500 years in the future, they don't just go, like, where's his fucking third eye? You just get to sort of, you know, slide into the future. Slide into the 500-year-ago DMs and just wander around, take it in, be like... It's the future, isn't it?

Do you think? Because then you've got some knowledge. You know what's happening. Whereas we all know what's happened 500 years ago. There's books about it, isn't there? All right, yeah, cool. Why would you want to go backwards, Soz? Yeah, why would you go backwards? I haven't fucking seen a dinosaur. where does we all know what happened 500 years ago if he's fucked about it isn't there alright yeah cool why would you want to go backwards

yeah why would you go backwards yeah I've fucking seen a dinosaur I've seen Jurassic Park do you think it was dinosaurs 500 years ago no I'm just saying I was talking about

travelling back in time other than your ma lad my gaga and she was fit your ma's a dinosaur your ma's a fucking T-Rex 500 years ago she's got a big head fit. Your ma's a dinosaur. Your ma's a fucking T-Rex.

500 years ago. She's got a big head. Back with the dinosaurs. You fucking moron. That's not what I meant. I meant time travel backwards. That's what you said! That's right. No, defo into the future, see what's about. And then you come back and be like, been the future, haven't I? They've got muller corners

but the whole thing in the future, haven't I? They've got muller corners, but the whole thing is a corner. You bat, you maniacs. It's all jam. It's such a fucking lid. A fucking muller corner, my muller,

it's like a muller square. Fucking jam. Yeah, it would not be bad. What if it's like a mullet square fucking jam yeah wouldn't that be better what if it was just a fucking bleak post-apocalyptic wasteland as I'm saying that

I'm like well shit where are we right now I think we're about a year and a half away from that bullshit um I

that'd be my worry that you'd see the future and you'd be like oh my god it's the most depressing shit I've ever seen and then you'd rather have been like,

hmm, olden times were racist. Do you know what would be weird though? Yeah. Let's forget corona's happening, right? So there's no virus or anything. Imagine if you just went 500 years in the future and fuck all had changed. Oh.

Just the steel road works on the M6. The Runcorn Bridge is still fucked the mersey tunnel still one pound 80 everything's exactly the fucking same oh no that's that's even worse it's awful you know the future is is not an easy option what if you got there and you were like oh wow god it's all futuristic like there's hover buses hover buses okay cool and then when have you seen porn and you're like oh no let's have a look at like you know year what is it 25 20 porn they just be like and then i was i'd literally spend the whole day wanking futuristic porn's gonna be something else in it i don't know whether there's anything more you can do with porn there's a lot of fucking categories

now man have you seen the matrix yeah that's more you can do with porn. There's a lot of fucking categories now, man. Have you seen The Matrix? Yeah. That's where we're going with porn. You're literally going to get fucking Neo, going to get slotted into the mainframe, and there'll be no difference from how you feel in real life to how you feel in porn. You'll be like, I am in porn right now.

Oh, so you think there's going to be like a... Fully immersed. Like a VR porn. But you get all the feelings as well. Oh my God, you're literally there. And then you can select anyone from history. You've got to cut this bit out of the episode. I can bang Florence Nightingale.

We need to make that... If we invent that... I think she is my great-grandma. We need to invent this. What, do you not think Pornhub might have fucking thought about this? No. Do you think two lids in a fucking spare room in Chester have just gone, oh, yeah, maybe VR porn?

Maybe. You don't fucking know, do you? How are you going to do it? I don't know. We'll get someone else in for that. They can have 20%. We'll have 40. Beer52.com are like, fuck it, I'm these lads.

I think future porn's going to be something else. Yeah, I think you're onto something, but why wouldn't we do it? Have you heard anyone else have that idea? We don't have the technology yet. I can't even work the fucking editing. That's the first thing we're doing. Who would you... After corona.

Right, if we get through this corona... Gosh, let's get through it. You're in 2520. You're like, Adam, you've seen the future, and you're like, yeah, it's not that bad. I mean, it's a 17-lane M6, but bore off. Still looks busy. All the hover cars backed up.

Show me your porn. And then you're like, oh, my God, have you seen porn? And they put you in the mainframe. You're like, you're in it, like Neo in Matrix. So you can bang anyone from history. Who are you banging bang anyone from history. Who are you banging? Anyone from history?

Do I only get one go or do you mean first? Because that's an important distinction. Oh, yeah. You've only got so many future tokens. So. Euros. Ironically. So what?

World coin. Am I just picking one or am I just picking I just you just got one because you've only got so many travellers checks for the future okay you can have a threesome I tell you what I'll extend an olive branch

you can have a threesome with anyone from history okay do you need time for this because we can come back to this tomorrow no I'll do it now do they have to be real

or can they be like fictional into the year 3000 no your course porn's so advanced you can literally anyone. Misty from Pokemon.

What? What? I have a thing for Misty from Pokemon. Yeah? Do you know who she is? You're not into Pokemon. Is she a fucking Pokemon? No, no, she's a Pokemon trainer. I only know Pikachu. She's a Pokemon trainer right because i only know

pikachu in my head you were banging pikachu i've seen that actually i've seen that no tell me the future is not pikachu porn misty from pokemon she's a cartoon but obviously with porn she'd be made real she'd be made like not cartoon yeah but she's fit as fuck i had a thing for that when i was a kid oh my god you can ban cartoons yeah but like I don't want to I want it to be like made

I know who mine is to be erm CGI'd into yeah so Misty from Pokemon erm and are you going are you going through some

yeah oh touche of course why would I not yeah erm Cat Dealey I'm joking.

Adam. Are you okay? I got very dizzy. Oh, God. Adam. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got dizzy. Oh, God. Adam. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ.

We live in an era where you can't pass out mid-podcast because you're doing a Cat Dealey joke. It might be one of the symptoms for coronavirus. Do you laugh at your own shit jokes? It was your face. I've seen your eyes go... Did you just say Cateleon I laughed a fart out there

That sucked It's not a good one so That sucked I'm sorry about that Yeah Misty from Pokemon And I don't know I'll just have Misty from Pokemon and I don't know

I'll just have Misty from Pokemon for now I'll get back to you by the end of the episode there's going to be a weird end to that we'd like to thank our sponsors I am going to go Threesome because in real life I find it a bit intimidating and you know

I never liked the guys that laura brings back nearly said black that was a freudian black dick oh what the other person can i have a man yeah but you yeah no i want a man yeah you can't the fucking embarrassing tiny dick so that misty thinks I'm fucking... Oof. Mate, do you know that in future porn, in 2520, you can have a really big dick, mate?

It doesn't have to be your dick. No, but then I won't feel right. Do you look like yourself in your future wank? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Are you sure? I'm comfortable with who I am.

Adam, you nearly passed out laughing at your own joke. So I don't think you're going to handle a threesome in the future. I think you could drop with just a fucking erection. Like, oh, this is exciting. Adam's gone. He's passed out in his own future. I would go Summer from Rick and Morty. Because as soon as she said cartoon, I literally went Jessica Rabbit.

Nah. Summer from Rick and Morty, maybe Lois. Oh, snap it. Lois from Family Guy. Something about her. Lois.

Lois from, Lois from, Peter Griffin's birth. Wife. The Ma, yeah. Yeah. The Ma from Family Guy.

The Ma, not the nah. The Ma from Family Guy, yeah. And Lovejoy. And, technically, I want you in the nah. The ma from Family Guy, yeah. And Lovejoy. And, technically, I want you in the corner. Why are you waiting for 2520 for that? For me in the corner?

I offered you that yesterday and you were revolted by it. You can't get me a Lovejoy or a cartoon. Yeah, olden times doesn't seem as fun, does it? What do you wank to in an olden time? My goodness me! I saw a wench. I saw the... I saw her shoulder. By Christ, the heathen hussy.

Oh, for good King Harry. That was actually historically correct. Was it? King Harry VIII, 1520. Look that shit up, mate. Reformation wank. Anyway. I can't remember what we're talking about.

We've got some questions. Oh, Simon. Simon. Simon Story. It's like you're new. Simon asks, and you can do this if you want to get in touch and just send us a fucking question. It's a good question, yeah.

Simon's story says, my mates think I'm weird, slash don't believe me, because I'm nearly 26, male, and I've never watched porn deliberately outside of WhatsApp. And I think he means that when some dirtbag send him like a, you know, watch this, it's about like a baseball shot, bang, vagina, vagina, vagina.

Are you getting vaginas in your WhatsApp group? I just get big black dicks, you know. If I open a link in a WhatsApp group and I don't see a black dick, then something's gone horribly wrong. I think Laura would like to be in that WhatsApp group. Speak to her on the way out. And he's like, I've never watched porn deliberately and probably never will.

The idea of it is just fucking bizarre to me is this weird that's from Simon's story love the podcast lads he's a non-porner I mean I don't think in 2520 he'd be a non-porner I think he'd have to be wouldn't you the technology is too good but he doesn't watch porn at all

weird no he is weird They're just too good. Yeah. But he doesn't watch porn at all. Weird. No. You just... No. He is weird. Weird, yeah. I think it's probably quite healthy. You think it's healthy?

Well, I think sometimes porn's a bit much. I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se, but I do think it's weird. I think it warps your noodle after a while. Porn. Yeah. Yeah. I can't come unless there's a midget involved.

After a while. Porn. Yeah. Yeah. I can't come unless there's a midget involved. When me and Jade have sex, I just have to get, like, I go on YouTube and get a midget video and just put it on the telly in the background.

We turn How I Met Your Mother off, we put the midget video on, and then we do doggy style so, like, I can just face the TV and we just have Snow White on. Hi. Hello! Yeah. so I can just face the TV and we just have Snow White on? Aye. Ho! Yeah.

Do you change it up? Like Lord of the Rings sometimes? Yeah. Well, no. No. They're like gremlins and that, aren't they? What? There's a dwarf in...

Oh, Gimli? Yeah. No, he doesn't do it for me. Hang on. You don't like gingers? You don't like white dwarves? You like black dwarves? His beard's too impressive.

Makes me feel emasculated. You, honestly... I need me dwarves. Clean shaven. What about this? Let me just blow you low. What about Cat Deely as a dwarf? Oh, my God.

Midget Cat Deely. Maybe. Oh, my God. So, Midget Cat Deely. Right. But she's a Pokemon. about cat dealie as a dwarf oh my god midget cat dealie oh maybe oh oh my god so midget cat dealie right but she's a pokemon and misty can control her there you go wow wow i don't know if you're fucking perverted or special but it's somewhere i think the word is visionary did you spike my drink before we did this podcast uh can i just say that first section was one of the most considered thoughtful non-stupid sections we actually we actually stopped and went let's just have a little thing we'll start the second section and we both went to each other oh it was interesting wasn't it I was like do you know what maybe this one's going to be a thinker nope

and I've not used any of the fucking drops because it's all been fucking weird anyway I don't think he's I don't think he's weird sometimes I wish Catele

I choose you she throws a pokeball Catele comes up right right Catele runs I'm tied to a bed right but my dick's out and erect do you like being tied up no but it's all right okay this is midget cat dilly can't get on the bed this is very important not everything i watch in porn yeah i want to do in real life yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah like the

stuff i watch when i'm hung like the tranny stuff that you can't stop watching, but you're like, oh God, it's just interesting. You know, like pegging that you just, and then you buy it, don't you? The strap on, but you don't give it anyone. And you know, you don't want to do it. You just want to own the PVC. And sometimes you wear it

when everyone's out of the house and you dance, you know? But that's because you're a Partridge fan. Is that what you're saying? What? And sometimes you go to nightclubs to meet men but you don't kiss them or anything

you just touch them with your hands sometimes you don't kiss them because that's private yeah sorry what were you saying I can't remember

no you don't you don't what you're watching porn is not necessarily yeah do you ever do that you don't even know any midgets

that's so offensive some of't even know any midgets. That's so offensive. Some of my best friends are midgets. Sometimes, do you ever do that when you're like, right, I'm going to have a nice wank, and you sit down, you set yourself up, get your phone,

make sure it's on charge, because that's always brutal, isn't it? When you're racing the battery at the end of the day. How old's your phone? What? How old's your phone? It's a...

Since my TomTom got stolen, it's a fucking brand new S20. But sometimes, at the end of the day, your battery's low, innit? And if your charge is not next to the bed, you've got 4% left, and you're race-wanking the phone. Have you never done that?

Come on. Someone tell me you've done that. When you're like, oh, God, I'm enjoying this, and all of a sudden it goes, it's 5%, and the light on the screen goes dim. When you're like, oh, God, I'm enjoying this. And all of a sudden it goes, oh, it's 5% and the light on the screen goes dim. And you're like, oh, no. What happens when it goes off?

Has that ever happened? Have you ever lost the race? Oh, that's brutal. Because then you've got to go from porn to imagination. Yeah. Oh, that's difficult. That's like changing rugby codes. No, I do that sometimes.

Sometimes I use porn to get me started and then i just turn it off and then go to my imagination oh like a little jump start yeah do you what do you so do what do you just expand the story of the thing let's say right let's say jade is walking the dog right and for the first 10 minutes i'm like yeah i'm just potting a rug house and then i'm like i have a wank right right but now i know she's gonna be back in like five or ten minutes oh you race wanking yeah i'm racing yeah jade and the dog coming back so i'm like this needs to be quick so i got like i prefer an imagination wank i use porn everything on them but i do prefer an imagination one yeah um and uh i'll just use the porn to get me started

quicker you're horny quicker harder done ready go then imagination off because imagination takes a little bit longer to start working for you right okay yeah i mean you're saying this with such authority it's like giving a car a push is it yeah do you know what i think you're right yeah you know what now i'm taking the piss but actually it's if? I think you're right. Yeah. Do you know what? Now I'm taking the piss, but actually, it's as if you're not going to sit down with absolutely nothing going on

and be like, right, sexy thoughts. Got my gig next week. Fuck off. I wonder who's comparing that. God, it's going to be Freddie. And then you're wanking to Freddie Quinn. Who the fuck is that?

That wank. You used porn, get you going, and your imagination going. Yeah. Quinn. Who the fuck is that? That wank. Ha, ba-ba-ba-ba. You used porn, get you going, and your imagination going. Yeah. I was ready to rip then, but I think actually that's pretty good. Saves on your, you know. Not just a hat rack, my friend. Saves on your 5G usage.

Doesn't it? Yeah. Because internet's a spite. You're doing something for the country. You need to get an unlimited contract I've got one you pressured me into it I got my Tom Tom stolen

that was costing me fuck all a month then you pressured me into a £60 contract with unlimited 5G capability then there's a shutdown I'm on the fucking

Wi-Fi all the time and spend an extra £30 a month for jack shit. That's not my fault. Well, you're part of it. Well, no, you're part of it,

because 5G is what's causing corona. It's worth it, though. For him, if Shane, look at him. Lovejoy. Who's that? Oh, fuck off. See you later. I'm going to have a Lovejoy wank.

I believe you. Later on. And you're going to be in the corner. Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! It's time to give some love to one of our sponsors. The original gangster sponsor, Voxhole Comedy Club,

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For when you need a laugh post-apocalypse, choose Voxhall Comedy. Hi, Dan. That's the first time in three months that that's happened. Okay. So, I want to let the listeners know.

Is that okay? Yeah. Tell them what's just happened? It's on me. Okay. So, Dan is the producer of this podcast. It's his job to make sure everything runs. Let's loosely call me that.

Yeah. So, what's just happened there is we've just... Talked for 10 minutes. At least 10 minutes. It was probably 15. And essentially, we were just making each other laugh, weren't we, Dan? Because what hadn't you turned on? The recorder.

Yeah. I felt very bad. Okay. So should we go back? Let's do it again. Okay. So this is the second time. All right.

We can do it. Let's this is the second time all right we can do it let's see oh i'm sorry as a comedian are you suggesting that you couldn't possibly do the same joke again no you just couldn't could you no you you are unable to think of something funny and then say it what two three fucking thousand times every gig i do is off the top of my head. You just write it on the way. You're so creative. Honestly. Sorry, lad. It's time for a domestic dispute.

Do you know what makes this harder? That's the second time he's sang that shite as well. Guys, need you to sort this one out for us. I think my other half is off her fucking nut. We both listen to the podcast. The day comes out and we'll abide by your final decision. Here's the background. When I go for a shit, it's not usually a 60-second process.

I like to take my time, so I take a cup of tea in with me. A cup of tea for a poo. The other week she did her fucking nut when she found out I'd took one of her mugs into the bathroom with me for a poo. The other week she did her fucking nut when she found out I'd took one of her mugs into the bathroom with me for a dump as apparently it's now infected with shit particles that float around in the air. She had a full on meltdown about it,

screaming, ranting and raging. Now lads, I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable guy, try to look at things from other person's point of view, but I think she's just off her tits on this one. So that's the background. I wonder how long he's pooing for, though. I mean, how long is he in there? What has he got, a brew, a paper, a magazine?

I had a half-hour conversation with my agent the other day while I was pooing. I wasn't pooing the whole time. It wasn't like a continuous poo. No, you weren't. I swear to God. Did they know? Yeah.

No. Yeah. She rang. She went, why is it echoey? And I said, I've got you on loudspeaker because I'm having a poo We laughed And then we still had the full

Agent client conversation That's amazing That reminds me of Jerry Maguire And then right at the end of it I just like Show me the paper Show you the paper Show me the toilet paper Jerry

Yeah And then right at the end of it She went so what are you doing For the rest of the day And I said well I'm going to start By wiping my arse How long are you You're not You're not always end of it. So what are you doing for the rest of the day? And I said, well, I'm going to start by wiping my arse. Oh, how long are you... You're not always in there for half an hour, are you?

It's normally about ten minutes. Ten minutes? Yeah. Mate, I wait, and I wait, and I wait, and there's a build-up of pressure. I'm like a young child who's like, I don't need a poo, I don't need a poo, I don't need a poo, I need a poo!

And then it's go time. I like a good, like, like the fucking, like, Parashooper's like, go, go, go, go! I don't have a poo i need a poo and then it's go time i like a good like like the fucking like parachute is like go go go go i don't have that much warning i've got ibs haven't i so i i don't need a poo i can't put it off i do not need you need a poo go now now now you haven't got time to make a brew no you've got other you know sometimes you have a coffee machine in the toilet sometimes i'll get jade to you know pop. You have a coffee machine in the toilet. Sometimes I'll get Jade to, you know, pop to Starbucks. I'm still on the toilet when she gets back. You, honestly, let's get this out, because we're getting sponsors.

You could be the next face of Nespresso, couldn't you? Yeah. You know, they've had George Clooney. Yeah. You know, maybe he doesn't survive COVID-19. George Clooney! Ah! Oh, shit, we're not allowed to touch.

High five with your elbows. Don't breathe on me. George Poonie. What a terrible... George Poonie. What? George Poonie. Stop touching my board.

You're making it work. Oops. I'm not in any position to say that. How grim would that advert be? Like, alright guys, I know George Clooney's done the last advert, but sometimes when you've got IBS and you have a shit,

it just happens you've got to run to the toilet. Nespresso got loads of flavours. And there's a new range. It's inspired by me, Adam Rowe. We've got fucking Febreze-favoured Nespresso. Potpourri flavour. Just a master smell of my shite. Summer breeze

makes me feel fine. Oh, you wouldn't want to have a coffee while you're having a poo. You might get a second wind. Maybe. Does a coffee make you... Does it make... It's hard to tell because coffee or not, I shit like a cat anyway. It's like...

Never heard that phrase did you just make that up no do you know who did Carl me mate shit like a cat because

he said to me once you shit like a cat and I'm watching me and he said there's no conversation about it it's just it's happening

and there's nothing I can do about it it's just it's happening and there's nothing I can do about it once he asked me to go round to his to have a game of FIFA and on the way round I decided that I need a poo so as soon as I walked

into his house I went straight for the shit and he was like that's the rudest thing anyone's ever done oh you've got to be comfortable with someone

before you can do that yeah we were best mates pooed in his house what about when you you've ever what dating a girl early doors

is hard work innit yeah I thought Laura was going to dump me best mates who then as i was what about when you've ever what dating a girl early doors is is hard work in it yeah i thought laura was gonna dump me after two months we were staying at my mates in london genuinely she woke up in the morning and i was like god have i done something in the night she looked she was just so not there we'd had an amazing first two months when i was like this girl could be this could be my wife i'd let i was in love with her it was a phone we were having such a good time you know when you're saying that about being in love with your wife I just because I know she listens to him just trying to help you keep you getting laid don't use the word was good point um don't talk about the love for your wife in the past tense I know especially after last night

thank you babe that was really nice and I was like I really think her mood's gone and I've done something and I was like are you alright you know like all of a sudden I got really needy and worried I was like are you alright and we're in my mate's spare room they had to go out and see one of their friends they had like a child's

birthday party so we basically had the flat for the morning and she was like, I'm just fine, I'm fine. I was like, you're not fine. I was like, I'm fine. It got to the point where I was genuinely thinking, she's going to end this on the fucking Virgin train back to the Northwest.

Turns out she just needed a shit and she'd been holding it in for 48 hours for the whole trip to my mates. She'd been too scared to poo in front of me she wasn't farting in front of me she wasn't pooing in front of me she went into the bathroom opened all the windows ran the shower did a poo drap was in there 20 minutes came out she's a different woman i was like is everything all right she was like i did actually need a poo she got in a four hour funk fearing the shit. I can't tell you. It's stressful, early doors, how bad that is.

The horror movie scene. That would happen if I tried to suppress the shit for 48 minutes. You've just got no control. No. If I need a poo, I'm having a poo. And that means I end up Pooing in places That

You're not supposed to poo in Not like the streets But like Where have you pooed? Like London Houston train station What But in the toilets

Not in like paper chase Some middle class Clean up on platform nine I'd like some stationery For my never Sorry head But like even if you Hold the speed I'll fucking scrape it together With a ruler some middle class clean up on platform 9 I'd like some stationery for my never sorry head but like even if you're homeless people

I'll fucking scrape it together with a ruler I shit in places that homeless people wouldn't because if you're homeless you've sort of got a decent choice

of places to shit you know the layers of land yeah go to a McDonald's you go to Wetherspoons there's toilets that you could be like right I know they have

a nice clean toilet I'll go in there that'll be my daily poo place I don't have that luxury because where I need to go is wherever I need to go right virgin trains

while the fucking guys telling you fucking jokes oh yeah please don't flush any broken dreams trains in the future will like

be like oh what is this won't be a pre-record it'll be AI like oh dude you need to sort your life out

do you know what's also bad like because you don't want to be pilling in public no I don't mind I'm not that bothered

if I walk out of a a train toilet and there's like an old woman waiting to go after me. And I know what she's about to walk into. I just got the worst memory then. I just got the worst memory.

Once on a train. You know, when they invented the sliding doors, the electric sliding doors, I went to the toilet, opened it, and there was an old woman on the toilet having a shit. And she looked fucking horrified and i was horrified she'd press close but not lock so the toilet was like i'm available it's oh there's an 80 year old woman with her knickers around her ankles i was like i'm so sorry she was like oh looky i was like i can't block it from was it one of those round ones as well yeah, it just, like a round sign, no, like on, like on the Price is Right.

Oh, I'm not allowed to do Lovejoy references, but you were doing Price is Right references. Bastard.

Oh my God, I didn't see anything. It's time for the showcase showdown. You've won Margaret.

Close the bloody door Oh that was awful I had a car about four months later Do you know Once I opened the door to a man Having a piss Doing the same thing Right

And I seen his dick But this is male confidence He just laughed he just went sorry lad oh that's good she didn't do that she didn't do that

I didn't stay around to apologise as well I fucking bolted we're only about halfway through this by the way so hang on to check back, he goes... Here's the story so far. He goes for poos with a brew, but he took one of hers. Yeah, and she's fuming because there's poo particles in the air

which have now infected the cup in her head. You know, even though we're talking about poo particles, it feels very on point with what's going on in the world, doesn't it? Particles. Infection. Airborne shit virus so back to the email so that's definitely recording yeah it is thank god it's gold yeah gold shitty gold so that's the background fast forward to a couple of days ago she wanted me to go down

on her oh jesus uh but her feet were fucking rank due to wearing shoes without socks. And when I say rank, I mean whiff and smell from the other side of the room. Proper cider vinegar smell, lads. So I said, if she wants me to go down there, she'd have to go and clean them first. Or I wasn't going near her. And anyway, she trotted off to the bathroom. Trotted, such a good pun. So, I walked in on her a minute later.

You're not going to believe this. You're going to be disgusted by this. She was... She had her foot in the sink, scrubbing her dirty, manky feet. Shut up! Upset me, nasty bitch! That's got to stand!

Using her logic, I just kicked off on principle. We walk in the street, we walk in the house with shoes on. So, if she's walking around the street, the same way there's poop particles in the air, if there's dog shit on the pavements even if it's being picked up there's dog shit particles that she's bringing in on her feet and now she's shoving those feet in the sink where we all wash our hands and brush our teeth she can't see why this is an issue it seems cut and dry to me lads it's fucking disgusting my sanity is in your hands p.s

fucking great show looking forward to the live show once this virus is fucked off. Bex and who? Stee and Bex. Stee and Bex. Your verdict, Mr. Nightingale. Well, order. Order in the court. Order in the court.

Judge Nightingale presiding. Yeah, Anna? I'm going to say this. There's guilt on both sides. Yes. Neither are right. neither are wrong no hang on neither right i think both are a bit wrong this is what i think i think she needs to stop doing that shit and i'm not even that precious about that but to have smelly ass feet and to be

like do you want to like take a trip south of the border right no because there's fucking pollutants down there that's a bit skanky to wash them in the sink I'm not that upset with that

I think having smelly feet is worse than where you wash them yeah it's not well the thing is your mouth is pretty it's not like

the thing is you're saying I brush my teeth in the sink but you get water that doesn't touch anything. Exactly. You're not filling... If you're filling the sink up... Yeah.

...and then using the water in the sink with a plug in... You're a lid. ...to rub your toothbrush in. Yeah. You're doing it wrong. And if you shave like that... Yeah.

Even I'm old, but I don't do that. Like, full basin and shave. You just run the tap. Yeah. I actually think she needs to chill the fuck out. I don't think there's anything... You can't infect porcelain with poo particles. Give them a wash.

Lash them in a dishwasher. It's sorted. That's made up, that germ, innit? Yeah. What she's saying... Farts stick on mugs, basically. Yeah. It's fucking insane.

Nah, Bex... But why is he going in... How long is he in the toilet for? A while. I just said I take at least 10 minutes I get lost in my game sometimes

before I'm having to scroll ehhh what you touch your screen oh I do that too it's gonna try and slam you for touching your screen while you're pooing

I'm not in there long I can be in and I'm not wiping my arse with my phone I can be in and out in 45 seconds really for a poo

I'm telling you go go go go go wipe wipe out busy man no I can be in and out in 45 seconds. Really? For a poo? I'm telling you. Go, go, go, go, go. Wipe, wipe out. Busy man. No, I take my time. I'll play a little game of Woody Puzzle, something like that. Or I'll watch a couple of videos, have a little scroll on the old social media.

Ring your agent. Mm-hmm. Get some business done. Show me the money! Send a few invoices. What's the weirdest thing you've ever done while pooing? Had a wank. No, that's... You're a silly person.

Why? It's not true. It is true! No, it's not. That's true, it's got to be this. That's not true. It is. You're a silly person.

I was hungover. When I'm hungover, I get horny. Killed two birds with one stone. Had the tissue next to me. Come straight into the tissue. Definitely killed two birds. Killed two birds with one stone. Had the tissue next to me,

come straight into the tissue. Definitely killed two birds. Yeah, Stee. I think I'm going to side with Stee. I'm going to side with Stee. I think... Although, I think they both could just be a bit more considerate, really. No, I think...

Wash your feet, you dirty old bitch. I don't think he's done a single thing wrong. Oh, fuck off, Adam. What? Don't take someone's mug in and poo around it. I'm not saying it's the worst thing ever, but you need a special... Why are you bothered by it? What do you think's happening to the mug?

Next birthday present, Steve's special poo mug. No. Let's start it. Why is that in the dishwasher? We're looking for... Oh looking for oh here's our first bit of merch let's fucking take this business up a notch the have a word poo mug it's your special poo mug do you think all of our listeners do this no but i think it could really catch on i will instantly want to have a word poo mug okay well we will make that when we

launch the merch store which won't be that long now actually when we do that we will do that but however i don't think he's done anything wrong i think steve carry on pooing carry on having a cup of tea whatever mug's available use whatever mug you want you're not infecting a mug with poo particles bex have a word with yourself rubbing you i don't even think it's that bad what you're doing but it's definitely worse than what he's doing and I understand the anxiety of rubbing your athlete's feet, sweaty fucking toes in the sink where he washes his face. Especially if he might fill the basin to wash his face and then he's putting all that on.

No, he's not, because he's not an old lady. He might be. What if he wants the option? Maybe that was Steve that I saw in the toilet. But then, I suppose, like, where is she supposed to wash them? The tide has turned. Here's Adam. If she washes them in the bath, that's just is she supposed to wash them? The tide has turned. Here's Adam. If she washes them in the bath, that's just as bad, isn't it?

Because then he's going to get a bath at some point, and there's going to be... Unless he only gets showers. She could wash it in the shower. Yeah. Yeah, wash them in the shower. Just, it doesn't matter where you wash them, just keep them clean.

You can't have stinky feet. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm 100%. Me gavel's coming down. Stay. You win. Bex, wash your feet in the shower. Stay. Do whatever you%. Me gavel's coming down. Stay. You win. Bex, wash your feet in the shower. Stay.

Do whatever you want in whatever mugs you want. I am telling you now, I'm a businessman. You know me. The have a word special poo mug. First bit of merch. One idea. Next idea. First idea.

Next idea. What, you want me to have an idea? No I'm just saying I'm just getting I'm getting fired up Okay Who do you side with? Are you happy to take my judgement?

Erm Bec sounds flexible though Doesn't it? She's washing her feet In high up places It's quite hard to get your fucking foot In a Do you know what I think?

Basin It's quite hard to get your foot up there Do you know what I think? I thought you were going to say She washed her feet in the toilet And I was like, that is definitely What? That's not washing your feet, that's making them worse I'm just going to wash my feet in the toilet

It's easier to get my foot in It is, but that doesn't mean they're clean Steve, it's duck again It's easier to just go and volley a load of dog shit around in the garden Yeah, I'm with Steve Yeah, Steve, you win Bex, have a word with yourself Oh, that means it's the end of the show That means your lasagna's done yeah I'm with Steve yeah Steve you win Bex have a word with yourself oh

that means it's the end of the show that means your lasagna's done have we got I think we've done I don't think we're going to better that let's call it it's a very serious one

very silly one and then very dirty one and we've come up with our first bit of merch I think that was a vintage episode I think people are going to love it hashtag special poo mug thanks very much to our sponsors and we've come up with our first bit of merch I think that was a vintage episode, I think people are going to love it Hashtag SpecialPooMug

Thanks very much to our sponsors, Beer52.com and Vauxhall Comedy Club down in London please go and check both of those people out Playing us out today, we have got Clear Vinyl, now these lads were one of our first ever one of our first ever bands that we featured to submit a song

they've got a new song it came out at midnight last night it's called into the night it's on all streaming platforms including spotify and clear vinyl on facebook they are clear vinyl music on instagram just clear vinyl and twitter is at clear vinyl music this is clear vinyl with into the night we'll see you tomorrow see you tomorrow. See you tomorrow. La la. The air is cold And my heart beats Inside my soul I lost my nerve I don't fit the mold

And with this hand I might as well fall Guide me through The brights of the night We'll run away I'll keep you safe Back in my hometown Where everything was easy The light of the dark into the light I'm making waves, keeping you in my sights You take off your clothes

We leave on the lights Forget the world Cause you and me tonight You guide me through Till the morning light We'll run away, I'll keep you safe We can run away, we can run away Back in my hometown where everything was easy

We can run away, we can run away We'll run away, I'll keep you safe We can run away, we can run away Back in my hometown what everything was easy We can run away, we can run away I don't wanna make you wait Let's get away before it's too late We'll run away, I'll keep you safe

Back in my hometown where everything was easy We'll run away, I'll keep you safe Back in my hometown where everything was easy We'll run away, I'll keep you safe We'll run away, we can run away Back in my hometown where everything was easy We'll run away, we can run away We'll run away, I'll keep you safe We'll run away, we can run away We'll run away, I'll keep you safe

We can run away, we can run away Run into my hometown where everything was easy We can run away, we can run away you