Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #160 with Seann Walsh & Paul McCaffrey - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

Half-Blind Date Tickets: https://sjm.lnk.to/HaveAWordpreUPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsThanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy.Just Giving pages for CHECT & Zoe's Place https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hawchecthttps://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hawzoesplace Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Adam we've got some exciting news about the sponsors we have but I've forgot what it is can you remind me it's manscaped.com they've levelled up and they're now our main podcast sponsor our official lead sponsor from now on manscaped.com use our promo code word20 to get their products this is now the have a word podcast brought to you

by manscaped.com they've been a long time supporter of us please go and support them and make sure they keep supporting us forever promo code word 20 manscaped.com. Enjoy this week's episode of the Have A Word podcast brought to you by manscaped.com. It's going to be a belter. Wag wag lids.

Thanks for downloading the public episode of Have A Word. If you're enjoying this podcast, if you like what me and Adam and the boys do, then you will love our patron, which by the way, is the biggest patron in the UK. What is patron? It's an app that you can download, you sign up, and then it's basically a subscription service for VIP membership to this pod. You get loads of benefits, you get extra episodes, loads of content, and it's also a way of supporting the podcast.

And then this is what you get. You get an hour and a half extra episode every week. Pure, unfiltered, concentrated, have a word bullshit. And honestly, it's some of our best podcasting because the public episode goes everywhere, all over the internet. The patron exclusives, that gets a little bit squirrely. You also get early release of the public episode.

The pubes get it on Monday. You can watch it on Saturday morning. You can also get discounts on merch. You can get discounts on live show tickets. To be honest, the live show tickets go to Patreon first and because we've got as many patrons as we've got, they never go on general sale. So if you want to see a podcast live show,

you probably have to sign up. But here's the extra layer that people are loving, which are the one-offs that we're filming and putting on Patreon. The Thank You Live Show, The Last Dance, My Last Ever Beat the Frog, which was one of the funniest two hours of live comedy I've ever been involved in. The Thank You Live show, The Last Dance, My Last Ever Beat the Frog, which was one of the funniest two hours of live comedy I've ever been involved in. The Ghost Hunt we did with Barry Dodds.

We also did the Laura's Gone No. 1 recording, Studio Day. That was a documentary. That's now up there. And finally, to seal the deal, we've also got four of the lockdown lock-ins. The infamous lockdown lock-ins, where we get absolutely shit-faced in the studio

and go way too far and record it for your entertainment. It's a phenomenal drink-along that you do not want to miss. We've done it with Ishan, we've done it with Johnny Bongo, we've done it with Stephen Trice, and there is another one coming in January. All in all, this is the biggest UK patron for a reason because it's funny as fuck, it's great value,

you will not regret it. For the price of a fancy coffee, once a month you pay three quid and you become a VIP lid. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. The link is in the description of this episode. That's me done.

Me gone. Go heads. Get on me. Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha!

Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag, lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now

infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. We are gonna be We're getting demonetised now. That's too similar to the original. You and me Always I am In the sky Love and me always love me I

love me in the sky love me forever love me forever

people I'm thinking of writing a new Liverpool song to the tune of this by Darius Rucker Lighthouse Family Daniel is it Lighthouse Family? yeah oh

racist we call them the shite house family round my arse woah you're fucking shite not because they're shite because they're all shithouses

I'll punch their heads in don't go around there fucking murders love it by yours you live on the strand by where do you stand oh yeah yeah yeah

good people salt the earth three bed fucking duplex view of the mersey it's not a duplex now actually you can't even hear the poor people.

Open your window. What can you hear? Nothing. Just fucking Audi Q7s. Lovely. I'm fucking loving city living already, you know. Do you know this morning, I was like, right, got to be in work for 11,

so I want to be in my car, which is parked like 10 minutes away 5 minutes away erm what? what? me car because I've gotta park

until my building's got like 380 apartments in and there's only 100 car parking spaces so until one of them comes available they've got me a deal

in the queue park which is right next to the building but you've gotta walk to the car park and whatever okay so you were late yesterday and you were early to you're not quite got it right no but like today felt really good because i got up and was like right so i want to be in the car by 10 so that i'm early for work

and just have plenty of time don't want to feel rushed anymore so i got myself up at our feet got a little shower you're getting a little chill and then just walked through I got myself up at half eight, got a little shower, had a little chill and then just walked through town, got myself a coffee, paid for me parking and just off I came and having a little...

He's back, baby. He's back. He had a rough one but he's fucking back. Roe, he's back. Back again. Fifth floor. When's 7am then?

Because you're at half eight. Oh, don't. We all knew it wasn't real. You knew it wasn't real. You knew he wasn't going to read any books You knew he wasn't getting up at 7am Admin 7am books It's just fine

You've got to let these things go It's called the River Row And a lot of bullshit washes down it Just enjoy the view And the smell of the river It's a lot of shit Just let it flow man I'm going to start leaving An hour and a half before Oh dear High tide the view and the smell of the river it's a lot of shit just let it flow man well yeah i'm gonna

start leaving an hour and a half before oh dear high tide oh shit it's high tide on river roll that's what i did today i know it is i know it is you were 40 minutes late yesterday yeah i was 40 minutes late yesterday because i didn't sleep the night before, but today I'm like, do you know what? New week, new me. Week starts on Wednesdays now. Oh, God. Yeah. You've not been sleeping. You've just been having... Finch, just give me some powerful night owl. He's brought me some night owl in because he knows I've been struggling

to sleep. Night owl. What are you calling it? Yeah. Smokey. Smoke and pill. You crush the night owl up into a city. What's Theo Vaughan's thing? It's like, sucking really little dicks. Mate, Theo Vaughan is a funny motherfucker.

Check out some of his stuff. His pods are getting massive quick. He's very unique, isn't he? Yeah, he's from Louisiana. He's clearly white trash, but he's got a super mind. His speed, it's like a weird combo, and it's not Peter KS, but his sort of nostalgic recall plus his flair for the sort of... Surreal.

Surreal. He's unreal. It's like he's doing what Peter KS... It's like Michael McIntyre and Paul Foot. Yeah. Well, no, it's like, yeah, almost like no fielding sense of humour with Peter Cade. Do you remember this?

I remember a lad round my way. Like that, it's amazing. That's how he talks as well. That's exactly it. You're right, it's Anthony Luiz. Yeah, I know. Black mare. I've got a sort of painful memory

because it was him I was working with when I crashed my car. I'll do it myself. Don't need to. Just wear headphones. It's dead good. Sounds nice. That fateful night

coming back from Glasgow. It was rushing. It was 5am. He lost control of the Ford Focus he could have died and all he wanted was a McFlurry

at 5.30am and instead he threatened to sexually abuse a lady that was on her own in a McDonald's that's how I remember it

that's how Twitter remembers it if you support Everton that's how you remember it open you support Everton That's how you remember it Open this Give me a mug Throw it I'll finger you

Have you had like A full bag of beef this morning You've come in On so many beans Have I Yeah Good Did you do your sleep again

Yeah a bit Yeah It's working I'm so noticeable It's good You're all orange like a big cone Can't get off me through that sentence And realise not many things are orange

It's fucking brilliant It's like Have you ever been to a roast of year three In a primary school You're all orange like a cone Jonah just slammed him Yeah I feel good I feel really good sorry of year three in a primary school. You're all orange like a gold. Whoa! Jonah just slammed him. Yeah, I feel good.

I feel really good. Sorry. Have you ironed a crease into your hoodie? No, they just came out of the ASOS bag. ASOS. That's a very deliberate crease. I haven't. It looks like you've ironed it like a sooch.

I promise you. I like it. Mate, I was quite happy that I got the fucking Matching sort of tones in Oh Oh I like Oh Oh

You're wearing Puma future riders As is your reign In both reign Tell me if you ever Crashed a car Erm I was showing off

To some girls When I was doing My A-levels I was mates With a load of girls Del Jones Fuck I've forgotten The names

And I was going it was icy as fuck and i was driving my mum's uh peugeot 106 mardi gras that i inherited and uh i was like oh look i could go fast around this corner i've just realized you had a mardi gras when your mum died oh i did I did I love that car I love that car I miss when your mum died I had a Mardi Gras

I miss my mum but love the hatchback and um I skidded round the corner uh showing off and the girls were squealing

and I hit the kerb really quite hard buckled the wheel and then it nothing happened we just sort of like, and then we just like

wobbled home and I had to get a new wheel and I told my dad, he wasn't like annoyed or anything he was like, you could have flipped that car if you were going any faster as in, don't be a fucking dick that's the worst ever crash I've had, I've never really had

any bumps or anything apart from that apart from the car I wrote off in Sheffield when the handbrake broke. That's probably top of the list, no? Yeah, but I wasn't there. I was in a gig. Do you remember the story? No. I got back to the car and it was just missing. This was like a

really famous lockdown shutdown daily story. Oh, I wasn't a Patreon then, get fucked. So some of these animals Remember that story And remember how Humorous I find it My sister's ruined a Christmas

By bringing this up And so occasionally When I mention Sheffield I'll get a smart arse Admittedly Objectively Very funny cunt Going

Oh you mean like in Sheffield When you left your handbrake off And like So what No I didn't No I didn't very funny cunt going, oh, do you mean like in Sheffield when you left your handbrake off? I'm like... You left the... No, I didn't. Sheffield's like built on hills. No, I didn't.

You can't leave a handbrake off on a... You're ruining my good mood, guys. So how did it happen then? You can't leave... There was a fault on that Alfa Romeo. I bought it off my dad. Handbrake fault. Oh, do you know what?

I've heard about this, actually. If you Google Alfa Romeo, the first thing that comes up is handbrake fault. Sometimes they work for like three minutes and then brake. They snap and half. Listen, you can't...

How can you park a... Park the car on the hill. Sheffield is hilly as fuck. Yeah, you can't park a car on a hill without putting the handbrake on. You'd die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

I agree. Thank you, Carl. Totally. I think what's happened is you've parked it, you haven't noticed it's rolled, yeah, totally. I agree. Thank you, Carl. Totally. So I think what's happened is you've parked it, you haven't noticed it's rolled onto the next car. Not bad.

Not bad. What are you doing? This is what my sister did Christmas 2009 and we had a fucking Benny. You can't park a car and be like, oh, I've got my keys.

Bump. Oh, that feels weird. You can if you're full of the pre-gig excitement, though. Oh, yeah. When it was early in your career, so you might have been like, oh. Oh, God, yeah.

That's seven years. And I was like, woo! Getting in for Toby Foster. Oh, I'm so excited. I'm gone. Can't wait to have him shout Barnsley 19 times when he's comparing. If that's what happened, wouldn't it just slowly?

So unnecessarily eggy there. I'm trying to go over it for you. Just slowly. So unnecessarily eggy there. I'm trying to go over it for you. It's fucking true. It's so true. I pissed him off and he's just talking.

I was on a promotion. He's not here. I think you've lent it against the car. And then that other car. It wouldn't go down fast. It'd just go down to the next car, wouldn't it? That's what I mean. So it's gone to the next car When I wasn't

And then That other car's got off And then that's why This car's How'd you get off of the car Stuck to your front seat cup Oh I hate you Adam Rowe I hate you

I'm changing your intro song For your tour I've just changed it in my head I'm a cunt I'm a cunt I'm a fucking cunt I'm a massive fucking Q7 cunt It's

It's a fault On that It's a fault on that. It's like a 156 Alfa Romeo. This is fucking 15 years ago. And if you've driven it for a long time, there's a fault on the handbrake. You cannot get out of a car and put a handbrake on. And like, if I'd not put the handbrake on,

it would just instantly rolled. I wouldn't have been able to get out of the car, would I? You can't roll half a meter and bump into a car in front and not fucking notice it i'm like oh my god i'm so happy to be kicking again in sheffield i was at the hill going forward i came back to the car i went i literally got to the parking space it's about like sort of quarter of a mile from the gig. I was like, you know when you're like, I park a lot of cars. I park this car a lot. No, no, no. It was moonlighting as a valet.

Yeah, yeah. No, you know, you've got like, I was like, I do this a lot, but I'm almost sure it was there. And I'm literally looking at the signs. I'm like, this is, my car's been fucking nicked. And then I'm looking for broken glass. Like,

there's no broken glass. How the fuck have they nicked my car? I was like, I've left my car open. And then he looked at the bottom of the hill and there was a pensioner. I went round to the gig. I was like,

my car's been nicked. They were like, no. I was like, it's been towed then. And Jules, who run the gig with Toby, was like,

mate, they don't tow in Sheffield after six. That's massively unlikely I've never heard of it lived here 20 years went back we are all stood around

towering eight till six we stood around like three bell ends looking at a fucking just like there's a there's a gap

and then I looked down the hill 300 metres down the hill is my car in the side of a skip and then we all walked down i was like my car's there in a skip it's a so an eight ton skip has been parked at like on a pavement like next to the pavement stop the car and it's gone all the way down a good 200 meters like into this skip the police then turn up because what's happened is

the woman who was in front of me has got to her car while i'm in the gig and seen that this fucking alpha romeo estate has parked touching her car she's like some idiot has parked next to my car she's got in it or probably all annoyed has gone to drive out a little bit and my cars followed her and then she shat it and sped away and my cars just had a free roll so she sort of eased it out almost and then it's gone it could have gone so much further into traffic on the road like someone could have died it could have been awful fuck knows i think it was shops at the end but you imagine if it was someone's front room as like an alfa romeo bangs through like the kool-aid guy yeah the best was the sheffield police who got there and were all ready to breathalyze me because they thought i had basically i was pissed and had managed to drive into a skip just driving down

a hill but quickly worked i just i don't know i was obviously like we were laughing about it like going god this could are they there was a real change in their tone as they clearly were like right this is a drunk driver and they just sort of talked to us a little bit and jules was the problem he's like he's uh worked in he was a solicitor wasn't he and he was like oh yeah we're his witnesses he's been working with us we came out and found it like this so they we were all just sort of stood laughing it wrote the car off which is a fucking shame um but yeah so like the christmas later or two christmases later my sister's like we were talking about writing cars off and i was like she'd had a crash or she had a bump i was like

oh i've never had a bump she was like yeah but you did you wrote a car off in sheffield i was like, oh, I've never had a bump. She was like, yeah, but you did. You wrote a car off in Sheffield. I was like, no, I didn't. You can't write a car off if you're a quarter of a mile away. She was like, yeah, but you did. You left a handbrake off. You wrote it off. And you know at Christmas when it's already eggy because it's family, it escalated and we had a fucking Benny.

I guess we'll never know whether you put the handbrake on or not. Not for certain. I can't know for sure. There must be like a 1% doubt. There must be like 1% where you're like, maybe. Like, just maybe. You don't know. Did Alfa Romeo say there was

a fault? My dad claimed it had been a fault with it. I don't know. My dad's not like an... You know, like most dads will be like, you idiot! He's not like that. Can you google Alfa Romeo handbrake phone I don't know we're trying to ruin

another Christmas why are you trying to ruin another Christmas what have we done here guys I don't understand what we've done what you've done is wait Steve

Steve what's what's happened I've come in I'm wearing orange. I'm happy. You've literally gone, Dan, you're in a great mood. And now I'm being attacked on one of the things.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Turn it on. 2005. Alfa Romeo 156. Why are you enjoying yourself so much? It's not going on. It's not on. Bullshit on your evil behaviour.

It's not on. Bullshit, bullshit on your evil behaviour. It's not on. Oh, my days. No, look, we just want to make sure you know. No, you're not. You're trying to undermine me. The 147's got a poor functioning handbrake. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, so this, it did just. Oh, it says here. Yeah, bro. I back you up, Dan. Alfa Romeo 156. That's what I just saw. Handbrake, part-breaking wiring cable.

Is that just for sale? Yeah. All right. I'm telling you guys. Maybe he stole yours. I know, yeah. They're still going. Very durable.

So what did the insurance company say? I just need a little bit of water. And the insurance company said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What did they say? Did they just say okay? It was on my claim wasn't it no but I'm saying

did he I it was it was on my insurance it was no one else's fault is it I suppose yes

but what no but I'm saying if it was a car fault couldn't you have claimed and done that yeah maybe yeah I literally can't remember and I got the insurance

paid out and I got a new car convenient oh guys he was in a great mood Yeah, maybe, yeah. I literally can't remember. I know I got the insurance paid out and I got a new car. Convenient. Oh, guys. He was in a great mood. He was in a really good mood. Fuck you, Sheffield.

Fuck you. I'll see you there on tour in 2023. I'll get the train. I'm not actually happy about that. I'm really upset. You're not doing Sheffield on this tour? no because what's happened with this tour is I didn't realise what was going to happen

I didn't realise I booked in a 12 date tour that is now a 25 date tour and could have been a 30 date tour I think but there was a point where we just capped it off because people from Sheffield had bought tickets in Nottingham and Leeds

and I didn't want to fuck people over there was already a bit of that with Stockton and South Shields next year for sure I'm going to do Sheffield 2023 and Hull and Bristol and Lincoln and places that I didn't think of because I didn't realise what this could do.

Yeah, I mean, you all told me I was being a bit silly with the tour that I booked because I did the similar size venues to the last tour I did. And that was definitely a mistake. Because I did one Frog and Bucket last time. And I was like, well, we'll do the Frog and we'll maybe do two. And the sixth one has just had to go on sale. Yeah.

So that's you playing a major theatre in Manchester, isn't it? Really? Yeah, 2000 next year, I think. But that's nice, isn't it? Because for me, this is my first ever tour. And you were like, oh, you'll do great. And I just, you don't know. So I planned it early.

Like, I did that first preview in Leicester on Saturday. And I have worked so hard on this show already that i could honestly start touring in march and it would be ready because i just got so like oh i've never done at all the pod has changed everything but it is hard to like next year in 2023 i'm gonna level up it's gonna be 450 that size theaters you're going to be skipping that level almost aren't you i just didn't fully understand and now i do and now i think you do like when you were like yeah i've just put my fourth chester in you're like that's a lot of chesters isn't it six now six see i can't you you're so all you you just gig gig, gig, gig, gig, gig. With my tours, I have to be careful

because I can't be away from home 65 nights in three months. It just doesn't work. Totally. Just on the tour stuff. So there's dates that needed adding that have now been added. So there's now a third Edinburgh on sale. There's now a third Glasgow on sale. Brighton is now on sale. There's a third third Glasgow on sale. Brighton is now on sale.

There's a third Leeds on sale. There's another Manchester on sale. There's another two Chesters on sale. There's another Birmingham and another Nottingham. They're all on sale now at adamro.co.uk forward slash shows. Very grateful for all the support. I am working on Aberdeen. I know someone wants me to go a bit further north than Glasgow.

That might happen. It might not. We might have to add another Cardiff because that's sold out now. Fucking amazing. And I'm working on North Wales. I know there's not on there. And Norwich, maybe. I'm most excited about Belfast and Dublin at the start of the tour because I thought that was going to be next year.

So me, Antonio and Rummy, they're coming with me for all my tours they basically booked time off from their jobs they're going to come and do my merch stand John's going to drive we're going to go on a proper tour so we're going to go from Chester to Holyhead get the ferry over and then drive up we've booked a hotel in Dundalk on Friday night. And if anyone knows where that is, I don't. Just saw it on a map and thought, fuck. And with two of my mates, we're on tour. We're going to go and have a beer in Dundalk and then Belfast on the Saturday and Dublin on the Sunday.

And there's moments where I've been grateful for what this pod has done. But for me to be taking two of my mates to all of my tour dates, like if you come and see me on tour, there'll be a merch stand. I'm going to sell posters and mugs with some, you know, jokes and fuck around stuff on it, but also some nice artwork. Everything will be signed,

but the people selling it are two of my really close mates, John and Antonio. At least one of them, maybe both of them will be there. But the idea of being in a fucking car, going on tour over the water to start in Belfast, to have you make me have the national anthem or something as my fucking walkout music to get potentially murdered then to do dublin on

the sunday and there's tickets available for both i cannot underestimate how big that is for me like doing it doing a show in manchester you're like cool i've gigged in manchester my whole life i should be able to sell a show in manchester we're on to our second one, but fuck me, I'm excited about Belfast and Dublin. That feels properly on tour. I'm in Dublin on the final day of the Premier League season. Oh, nice. And it could go down to the wire. And obviously Dublin is very much either Liverpool or United.

And certainly not Manchester City. It's emotional, isn't it? It's emotional. Could I have some water? Someone's got some water some water watching Liverpool hopefully still within reach of winning a Premier League title

in Dublin with Carl are we the ones celebrating a lot of people asking as well on the tour stuff like who's opening

for me and that Thomas Green is doing 32 of the 52 dates that are currently available um the other 20 i actually haven't booked yet i'm just going to book who i want and when i want i'm getting mixed up a bit thomas green is the main tour support guy but there's a couple of other people coming yeah i've got a couple of like i've just mixed it up a little bit um that feels great as well, just booking people who, I always remember watching the big guys, not the big guys,

but those mid-level guys just have their agents throw out random, like, oh, it's tour support, 100 quid, is anyone available? You're like, got no friends. Yeah. Got no mates who you want to do it with. You want your mate there. Like, I've got Jamie, I've got Ishan, I've got Vittor you want to do it with you want your mate there like I've got Jamie I've got Ishan I've got Vittorio

Dean's doing a couple Matt Bragg's doing Nottingham because he's I really rate but he's the only act Matt Bragg in Nottingham that hasn't done the pod

and I know for a fact that all the lids that come and see me in Nottingham will love him because he's from there and he's fucking funny but I

like I want people that I like and know i want to be able to go for a bit of food beforehand because i've spent years on the circuit where i set off from my house at the very last minute so say when i lived say living in chester if you have to say you're opening the frog or comparing it you know you've got to be there for eight you need to be there 20 minutes before i'll set off at seven like every time with circuit gigs you try and eke out the most of your day

because you gig five nights a week minimum you want to be like with your family or at home till seven set off 45 minutes in you're there on time but you you're not sat around doing nothing i'm not doing that with the tour i'm setting off early we're gonna i'm gonna treat their special so i want to get there go for a bit of food with rummy with antonio and then with the support act so when you get to the tour and like any drive that feels a bit of a ball like i'm just getting a hotel and i'm putting us all up because i want it to be special like i'm saying this, I'm not imposter syndrome but because after 18, 19 years of being a circuit

stand up, the massive level up that this pod has given my career it's not that I know it can't just go away but I've talked to some acts who've toured and like yeah of course I'm touring, it's fucking great like it doesn't feel like that for me it feels like I want to enjoy it I don't want to take it for granted so i actually want the experience

to be yeah going for a bit of scrounging not just turning up like god like yeah yeah 40 minutes to spare there's a lot of uh a lot of the comedy industry and when you get used to it and you're doing it a lot and you every weekend you're away we take advantage but no take for granted how much we travel for work granted how much we travel for work and how much we actually get to see in different places

and bars and restaurants and all that sorts of stuff. I, I'm exactly the same. So my tour, we're recording this on the Wednesday. Obviously,

patrons get it Saturday and publicly Monday. Starts tomorrow. I start tomorrow, Nottingham, Friday, Birmingham, Saturday,

Birmingham and two shows in Chester this Sunday. But I'm going to be in each of those towns hours before the show and just pot around. And I want to see these, because even when I stay away in club gigs,

often I'll just spend most of the day in the hotel. And I've not really seen all these fucking great cities. Different though, when you've got your best mate tour managing and you've got your best mate supporting, then you've got a little team. Totally. And that's why you know we talked about it on the last episode that's why i like when we do live shows for the part i love that love that love going for scram beforehand when we were all out because spent so years so many years on on a motorway just on my own yeah and then you obviously you meet you meet someone

and then for a while laura would come along and then after a while she was like yeah i'll be all right because because the wives and girlfriends get bored of the gigs as well don't they think i bought a comedy there's no one said it before there's no one more bored in a comedy club room than the 12 year wife or girlfriend of a comic like yeah all. Could do the set. Oh, yes, they're not available. I've got my missus. She can do the opening 20. Do you know how determined I am to never, ever, ever do a tour show in York?

Because you know how much I've slagged York off? People are asking. If you're new to this podcast, I fucking hate York, and I think everyone there is a humorless cunt. Yeah, and if you're new to the podcast, don't mention the Sheffield thing. I'm not even joking.

Thank you. The amount of people that keep asking, whenever I add a date, they're like, lad, will you please add York? It's not happening. Because I know how funny it would be for our fucking listeners

to sell it out and all sit there and have a little mutual agreement between themselves to make it the worst gig I've ever had. They couldn't do it. They fucking couldn't. it. They fucking... Of course they could. Every plus one's brought their nana.

Their fucking Yorkshire Tory nana. Like, I don't like immigrants. I look like one, so... I was in Dunelm before on the way, getting like house stuff, and there was a... Dunelm, yeah. Fucking someone's

doing alright there patreon.com slash fucking sensei cow Dunelm Dunelm Dunelm Dunelm

Dunelm Dunelm it's not fucking Habitat hey it was in John Lewis oh John Lewis it's not fucking

B&M I got me plates and bowls from a new place from John Lewis and me kettle and me toaster you've what you've done there

is you've tried to slam and then re-slammed yourself a little bit and then oh fuck I've done that you're like new shit but there was a a lady being

slow she was at the counter getting refunds and stuff what like no no she was in a she had a

she was an Asian lady what was this oh dear Carl I hope you show that on the old camera there. What's this? It's a hip jab. A hip jab?

A hip jab. You're getting mixed up with dib dabs there, aren't you? A shaver's hip jab. I shared a dib dab and a hip jab. A shaver's hip jab. A big one. Gave me a hand job. What a hip...

She gave you a hip jab? Honestly, have you seen that in UFC? Stiff jab. The amount of times in that Francis Ngannou fight that Kofi Covington you a hip jab honestly have you seen that in the UFC stiff jab the amount of times in that Francis Ngannou fight that Kofi Covington will just hip jab him I can't wait for that fight guys I'm so looking forward to it

because Francis Ngannou has been ready it's odd that they're fighting and Kofi Covington is ready as well a ship that's hip jab a ship

hip jab hip jab ah me hip don't punch me hip but she was she was so she did these loads of returns

and then he went oh you're buying that mirror too and she went no I'm returning that as well he's like okay like why didn't you tell me that

and there's an old woman in front of me and turned around and gave me the look of like we both hate this woman don't we but I was like not the way you do

oh so you think the old woman was being racist i saw it or do you mean you're racist and the woman was just pissed off she was delayed oh i was pissed off she was racist right okay did she turn to you she's like all right carl i'm a patron i know you're having a racist 2022 and here's another the hip job what is it a hijab hijab hijab i think it a hijab a hijab hijab I think

I'm fucking like we're the authority on but yeah the look on her eyes was like they should them there should be a separate

customer services for return shouldn't there oh right you shouldn't be able to fucking hell you shouldn't be you shouldn't be allowed

to do returns in a queue no it's annoying and it was one man working yeah but yeah that was racism. Let's have a break. Let's do it.

It's on Elm. Be in Elm. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to let you know about our lead sponsor, Manscaped.com, the best in below the belt men's grooming. Join the over 4 million men worldwide

using men's below the belt agreement from Manscaped. And Valentine's Day is coming up. I've got a little proposition here. I reckon we need a new national holiday. I think February the 13th, the day before Valentine's Day, should become national. In fact, no, worldwide Shave Your Balls Day. Because let's be truly honest. Valentine's Day, all the bells and

whistles of it is for the woman all a man wants is to get sucked off and that is only really going to happen if he's got a nice trimmed pubic region so you need the manscape performance package 4.0 with the amazing lawnmower 4.0 which is honestly one of the best bits of kit we got sent them when manscape became a sponsor they're a phenomenal bit of kit you don't get nicked you've got a little light on it it runs forever you can use it in the shower you've also got the weed whacker for your nose hair because ladies do not like a hairy fucking nose you also get extra gifts there's like a shed travel bag which was really nice anti-chafe like uh what are these these? Like boxes by Manscaped. The boxes are amazing.

I actually personally love the ball deodorant and the toner as well. He does, and they've smelled better ever since he started using it. My balls smell fucking lovely, mate. Well, no, the guests comment. Look, treat your missus to getting you one of these shavers. Your dick will look better. Your dick will look bigger. And honestly, she's going to want to touch it more

because no one wants to touch a messy little pubic region you've got like left over cum in it oh god god no really is that an issue is that the issue go to manscaped.com for our exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping with the code word 20 what's the code adam code is word 20. Shave your balls. Make your woman think you're great. Come in your pubes eh? Problem. Sometimes. Have a wash first.

There's only so much shampoo can do. Yeah. Get the lawnmower 4.0. Hack away. It is actually the best thing I own it is 100% and we are back

we are welcome to pound for pound the number one podcast on the planet Finn's got a question apparently I know you've done prep

I know Harry's done prep no I have not I have opened the prep file that Harry Robinson has done great work with but here's Finn who apparently I have opened the prep file that Harry Robinson has done great work with. But here's Finn, who apparently would have liked the hours.

Finn? I was just thinking the other day, it's a kind of stand-upy question. We do stand-up, don't we? We've been doing it for a while. So, obviously, this isn't particularly comparable, but, like, when I do my gigs, I can often feel after it a bit weird obviously this isn't good that he's asking us this actually this isn't this isn't particularly comparable but like when I do my gigs I can often feel after it

a bit weird because you get all the adrenaline and then you just go home how have you guys like dealt with that I'm curious

well can I just say Finn excellent question there good question for two stand up comedians that's well within our wheelhouse oh well interesting it's not a question comedians that's well within our wheelhouse oh well interesting it's not a question

that feels why is it called a wheelhouse why is it your wheelhouse good question we're not going to answer it Finn could you ignore the question

yeah well that's I think part of the reason that a lot of comics have an issue with booze yeah is what do you do if the highest point of your day is, can we turn the TV off?

Because it really is, thanks very much, thank you. I'll take the question again. Yeah, because you're hyped up. If you're a headliner, you come off stage at what? 10.30, 11 o'clock at night it's Friday Saturday night you're staying in some fucking hotel round the corner

that's where boozing comes isn't it because you're riding high and on top of that there's a lot of comics who have issues with soliciting prostitutes because after that high

the only way to sort of release and be able to go to sleep is to cum yeah yeah and that's why I'm not allowed back in Cardiff

okay I'm going to try that after my kicks thank you whoa um sometimes i'm straight back in the car and that first bit of the drive is a weird bit where you can't concentrate on a podcast i've found that you still sort of not that like i think when you've been going a while you're not like whoa that was amazing because the longer you do anything... I'm like that Jeremy said sometimes. I do a joke, get a laugh, and I just do that.

Whoa, that's amazing. Yeah. I find the drive sometimes a bit... I'm still a bit wired on the drive and I can't just instantly put a pod on. My head's still ticking. I've heard other comics say that that's an amazing time to write.

I've heard one comic say it.'s an amazing time to write i've heard one comic say that that's the the energy they like after a gig they go back and they like scott no it was um oh what's that old scottish comic called stew who i was when i was starting out and he was like yeah because he i don't think he was a massive name now who can't remember the surname now. Who? As you know. Thumbs up there for the audio listeners. But yeah, so what do you do with it?

What do you do? Are you pretty leveled off straight away? No, I'm awake for a while. I just go on my phone or like, if I'm in a different city, I'll go back to the hotel,

put a bit of stand up on often or like a bit of sitcom and just scroll on my phone and whatever and just try and relax it normally takes me a few hours to calm down uh if i'm out with other people it's a good i like doing a gig for a night out and then going out because it's like yeah yeah but i think also it's very similar apparently the high of performance is similar to the high of cocaine so you want a drug that if you're going to do drugs and you want to level out you need like

a bit of weed. Smack or something. Oh, is this smack? No, I think it is smack. That's the antidote. That's a downer, isn't it? Well, if you, yeah. Probably two down now, isn't it? Depends how good the gig's gone. One up, two down. Yeah. If you've just had a normal gig, bit of weed. If you've got a standing ovation,

smack your bitch up. Yeah. Facts. Here you go, Finn yeah facts straight facts good gig get some straight hair how do you find it what

I just find it are you buzzing after a gig yeah so it's it's weird that you go back and I've always found that

it's weird that I'll play to like 70 people and they'll be like cheering do one one more song and then I'll go home

on my own and be like oh it's like it's a bit of shit well the immediate solitude after performing for an audience is genuinely i think why i wanted to uh study this or suggest that someone else studies it i suppose um a few years ago a lot of performers are mentally ill and I don't know whether that's because mentally ill people are drawn to performing or whether performing

causes some mental illness and then a dangerous combo of two sometimes yeah yeah where you're already mental and then it really makes you more

like I think the immediate the idea especially like once you get to the point you're selling tickets on your own name so like this tour

we're about to do that we're both doing that that. We both do. And that we've been talking about in the first half going on stage in front of, so Nottingham tomorrow for me is 350 people. And after the show, a hundred will stay and ask for a picture and they'll want to chat and whatever. And they'll all, and they want me to go out with them,

but I can't be going out for a drink every night. Cause I'll just be shit at all my shows. So then going from that and being literally, especially as a solo artist, as a comedian or a musician, going from being the most loved person with every single person in the room, oh my God, it's this guy, to then being sat on your own in a silent hotel room.

I think the juxtaposition of that, it's such a staggering difference. I think that's quite bad for anyone's mental health to go from the high of everyone in the room not only knowing who you are but adoring you to literally being sat on your own or dealing with a fucking checking desk at a hotel where they're rude to you because they don't give a fuck who you are like not that they should or they need to but it's such a stark difference between those two situations and i think that big high followed by a very big low is like not to source a trivialized mental illness it's got to be similar

to what people who have bipolar like on a very small scale suffer with a massive bit of mania followed by genuine like depression it's a come down isn't it essentially literally it's but then some people don't want that come down everything that adam's articulated there is what some people go oh no no so i will go out for the drinks yeah some comics are have been brilliantly talented and haven't wanted that solitude and that reality and that just harsh loneliness after the elation of being everyone's favorite person in a room and they go out with that like how we went out after the roast into pop world is a one-off what a very we'll do it again one day but it's not every live show and god forbid it would be after every tour show

i think you like i think you'd become you'd unravel a little bit because it's so unhelpful. You're everyone's best friend and you don't know anyone. That's fine if you can, some people are social enough that they can do that. I can do that once in a while. I can be out,

make some mates. If that is your, every night after a tour show or a gig, if you're out with people who think you're great because it's the elevated status of we've just seen you perform

and you're without them, like if you haven't got the grounding of a family or best friends or like lads on with you with you on tour that you know like you you've got your mate tour managing or your support who you know i think you could get lost in your own bullshit there i think that's quite a dangerous route to go down and it famously was wasn't it for guys like kinnison in the states and all of those rock and roll comics they were doing coke they were on blow till god knows what time they were going out gandhi they were yeah they were they were going out with people from the shows and just net when does it ever stop if you're digging every night there's also a romanticization for lack of a the actual

word of other comics about that lifestyle as well. So there's, have you seen Adam Sandler's standup special, 100% Fresh on Netflix? So I, to be honest with you, and I'm not proud of this, but I'm just going to be honest. I watched it sort of intending to hate it.

I was like, oh, Adam Sandler doing, I think this will be a bit meh. He's just doing it because he's bored of films and he was a stand-up wasn't he he started out as a stand-up years like early 90s he was a stand-up and it's absolutely phenomenal oh wow I loved it they knew what like a recent about two or three years old and uh it's a lot of musical comedy he's doing it too it's not part of these it's original stuff they're short quick songs but the longest song in it is a tribute to um chris farley who was a big uh saturday night live guy adam sandler's best friend and died young

because he liked partying too much as a big fat guy and you know just got the best of him and there's a line in the song where he says uh we told him slow down buddy uh you'll end up like belushi and gandhi and he said well those guys are my heroes that's all fine and dandy like there is a thing of like like live fast and free sort of thing yeah that's that young yeah bad girls do it well when i started out in comedy the the guys who were really letting it hang out were the guys I looked up to most. Yeah. Like Jim Jefferies would come and get fucking smashed.

And I thought he was my, I thought he was just a hero. I remember working with Tom Stade early doors and thinking like, oh, this guy's so fucking rock and roll. Glenn Wool was cool as fuck. Just getting hammered on Brandy and telling me stories about Rich Hall. And we've talked about like getting lost on tour. And I just love those guys.

And I thought they were the coolest guys. And they are all brilliant comics. But now I'm older, there's like, there's only some comics can live that life. Like when you're a young comic, you think, well,

I want to be one of them cool fucking getting smashed. And like those guys, there's always those outliers that can do it like that. Many good comics, uh, have got to go down the gears and just chill out and just find their norm. And for me, it's like,

I need, I need a bit of a regular life. I need to sleep a lot, but I also need a night out where I get pissed. I need to be hung over. Some people just can't do it's like, I need a bit of a regular life. I need to sleep a lot. But I also need a night out where I get pissed. I need to be hungover. Some people just can't do it at all. But those real rock and roll guys, I mean, not that they're out of control,

but when you're young, I thought I was going to be like that. And I quickly worked out that I needed to be in my bed, sleeping at least some of the time. Those guys could keep going. I think when you're a young comic you're sort of on that lifestyle anyway naturally because you're in your early years especially me and you started so young so that lifestyle seems attractive and because you're so

young and when you are 18 to 23 24 you feel like you're always going to enjoy that lifestyle so watching people 35 and 40 doing the exact same thing that you're doing, you go, oh, I can do this forever. But then you get to that age and you're like, oh, maybe they were actually a bit sad. I got to my late 20s and I started looking up to different comics because my 20s was loads of fun, gigged throughout. I started when I was 20.

I was a pro comic by 22, 23. I went all over the place, saw a bit of the world, gigged throughout, started when I was 20, I was a pro comic by 22, 23, I went all over the place, saw a bit of the world, gigged all around the country and the people that I held on a pedestal, it changed, it changed to, I remember just watching guys like Rob Rouse work

and go, and Rob Rouse was a fucking brilliant comic who's maybe like five, six, seven, eight years older than me, he's got an amazing family he's a great comic and on a night out rob rouse would be so much fun you just don't have rob rouse on a night out very much because he's got his family and i i've seen and maybe i've been this guy at points before i met Laura particularly. I've seen moments that you maybe have to be a comic or you have to be pretty perceptive to notice real loneliness, what it looks like for a road comic who's on the road, single,

a bit pissed, chasing girls, chasing women after a bar. It's not really working out. They're around people that they don't fucking know and they're becoming best friends with some fucking open spot who's come to see them who knows a coke dealer and like they're like oh where are we going and you're like dude you're 43 and you've definitely got a nine-year-old kid and what are we doing and i i never saw that when i was 22 i never i never saw it because i you were just like oh my god he's 43 he. He's got a nine year old kid and he's still out. Wow.

Probably didn't even know he had a kid. And if you, if that's you genuinely for me, I'm like, if, if you're happy, great. But I just,

I don't necessarily see a lot of joy in that lifestyle when you get to a certain point. I've seen it done well. I've seen it done well by a lot of guys, but I've also seen that moment where you're like, you just, you haven't learned the other gears. You've it's there's

nothing wrong with going for a fucking booze after a gig and i do it and i've i don't mind drinking with punters but it's the ones who can only do that you're like just fucking go home mate just go home be comfortable in your skin to not be trying to get laid by some fucking girl 15 years younger than you every night. Yeah, that thing of not being comfortable enough in your own skin to just go and chill out is brutal for some people. So to conclude, get some smark. I'll be fine. Oh, get some smark.

Yeah, smark, brasses, or natal if you can't get either of the first two. Amazing. cheers for the help kane milnes says had a great idea for a patreon special could you get the have a word team on a drifting racing experience day like a top gear top gear style leaderboard for fastest lap and best drifter because we all know how competitive adam would get that's from kane well obviously you'd have to sort of adjust i'm the heaviest aren't i so you'd have to adjust my time for weight oh babe don't worry about that so like i'm probably got a little bit more weight so i think like i'd get an extra three seconds and then i might break the

record if anyone's seen a uh a live show recently i'm packing some record break the record. Has anyone seen a live show recently? Break the record? Break the record. Three seconds to break the record. What is drift? Have you seen Tokyo Drift? No. You haven't seen Fashion of Europe? So drifting is when you get to a corner

and you're like, and you get to the next corner and you're like, you just turn the corner. You let the car fucking like bob along. Right. So how do drift cars, what is it different about a drift car you just like turn the corner you let the car fucking like bob along right so how but what how do drift cars what is it different about a drift car that makes them do it's just it's just

it's the tires and it's the way you use the handbrake and stuff right so it is the suspension you just slide no what i'm saying is you can't i don't think you know what drifting is no but you can't drift in a voxel tigra can you? You can't be the good driver, yeah? Right. I've drifted in me Ford Fiesta, actually. Right off the M6. I was going to call bullshit.

Drifting is not a... It was no good. It's just being a good driver. It wasn't a Tokyo. It was Penrith. Fast and furious Penrith drift. Penrith drift.

It's minus five Fave The conditions Do you reckon you're a good driver Dan? In terms of like Do you reckon you'll be able to pop a drift Well I've drifted once And you know In icy conditions And nearly flipped a Mardi Gras

Dan's a bit of drifting He can do it from half a mile away In Sheffield Drifting into a skit. Fuck off. Nightingale 2, Sheffield Drift. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I wonder if you know where my car has gone, I don't know. It's a lovely Penrith accent oh it's gone down the road

oh yeah have you spent time in Cumbria oh my god I'm from Cairndar oh someone make a video of Dan drifting with that music please

please Saturday morning so the rear wheel drive cars aren't they that's how you drift it's got to be rear wheel drive cars Aren't they? That's how you drift It's got to be rear wheel drive Otherwise you're not

Oh it's got to be Hasn't it? One wheel drive Yeah you just need one Drifting is a driving manoeuvre Where the driver of a car Intentionally steers too much Causing the car's rear tyres

or sometimes all the tyres to lose their grip on the road. Drifting is the driver's way of squeezing thrill from a very unusual and unsafe driving manoeuvre. Yeah, to be fair, just a public service announcement.

You shouldn't be drifting like round council estates. It should be like done on a private track. Do you know what I mean? Don't drift on a roundabout. First of all, these are all wheel drive

because they're smoking from the back tyres so I must have some sort of a point here because they're all oh there's some boy who's just like literally shouting

at YouTube right now going come on you fucking pricks I can't believe you've never seen Tokyo Drift that's an absolute institution I have seen some drifting

this video is not drifting it's just people driving it could not be a worse video I can't believe you've never seen Tokyo Drift. That's an absolute institution. I have seen some drifting. This video is not drifting. It's just people driving. It could not be a worse video if you fucking try. Carl just put a video on of someone fucking reverse parking a car. He's drifting right into that fucking parallel parking space. It'd be good if we all had a race. Like a drag race.

That'd be good. No, because we'd damage all the cars. However, if we're doing a Top Gear style... Let's do a drag race that'd be good no because we damage all the cars however if we're doing a Top Gear style let's do a drag race in drag no what

let's all dress up as women but is there a car or are we just racing in heels beep beep that's a sketch

it needs to happen doesn't it drag race drag race someone hasn't made that they need to make it Dan what about give us all what about the have a word what about the have a word stars in a reasonably priced car no and then we go around the track and time it because i would be

interested to see how who is the fastest here oh we're doing that now that's let's buy we don't have to do no give us all money. There's five of us, two grand each. We all buy a two grand car. That's what we do. And we drive to like fucking Land's End or something. There's 10 grand to spend. And we get there and race.

Do we? Take two grand each. Or we hire a track for the day and we just buy a 10 grand car. There's a track in Chester where you can do that. Alton Park. Where you can just take your own car take whatever car and just do laps

of a proper race track where they do rally driving and stuff Alton Park I went there when I was a kid can't we all get our own car I saw JJ Leto

genuinely I just had a fucking weird memory my dad took me to Alton Park when I was a kid I didn't realise it it's in Cheshire oh what would you rather do buy one car or buy one each and we all drive somewhere weird memory. My dad took me to Alton Park when I was a kid. I didn't realise it. It's in Cheshire. Oh.

What would you rather do? Buy one car or buy one each and we all drive somewhere? I think... I don't know why it's getting emotional. Memory. I think we're all driving somewhere. We've got to obey

the fucking laws of the road. This is not fun. We want one car. We want a reasonably priced car and we want to race it one after the other to see who's the fastest. Yeah, yeah.

Don't we? In drag. Who is... car and we want to race it one after the other to see who's the fastest don't we in drag who is the have a word star in drag fastest in a reasonably priced car finn find the best car you're allowed to spend five grand on the car a thousand pounds on your drag outfit you get extra points for looking fuckable thousand pounds for the truck he'll just buy webs and go yeah drag these lot yeah these are women's size nine but you've got to have everything in the car with you travis scott fragments how do you um oh my god pick something nuts right like a nissan that's a gen no i reckon it should be like a Citroen Picasso. Something that is not built for racing. Oh, no. Can we roll?

Oh, my God, there's a van. A Nissan van. No, what about a boy racers? You know when... When they like soup up like a Vauxhall Nova. What was Steve Chaniasky's like? It's a Nova. Literally blue lights underneath.

I want something with a dump valve. Oh, my God, we can do pit my dad 5 grand as if you don't know someone in real that's got a fucked up Vauxhall Nova course you do try and get one of the cars that were in that rustlers advert where they all had microwaves in the boot shout out Wrexham

I've never seen as many boy racers Wrexham is even with boy racers I love that people are seeing our creative process here. Just so everyone knows, for the audio and the visual listeners, on this week's Patreon episode, which if you're still not a patron, what the fuck are you waiting for? We've been trying to figure out

when we hit 10,000 patrons, we were going to spend a lot of money doing a big Patreon special to celebrate it in 10,000 patrons. That'll go out at some point in the next couple of months. Inspired by the lads over the other side of the pond on Are You Garbage, who've said when they hit 5,000 Patreons, they're going to put 5,000 pounds on one thing in a roulette thing in a casino.

We want to do something similar for 10,000. And now Carl has pulled up a London black taxi. We can all be in the back. Everyone else is in the back, but we're like vlogging it and shit. No way. I'm not in the car when he tries to beat our time. That's how the podcast ends.

I did one minute 29. Cammy cars, a taxi driver. No, but we can all take turns driving to wherever it is And we can all be a taxi driver There's four of us Fitting the park We're going round a track We're not driving to Land's End No where's the track

Cheshire Yeah We'll just drive to Cheshire then Alright cool yeah yeah I want a souped up Fucked up Boy racer Is there any

Ex-police cars available Is there an SH on I also trade that Yeah I want an ex-busy car I think I can do that Let's carry on with the podcast right we're doing that 100 doing that if you sell in or anyone in wrexham because everyone's got a

boy racer car in wrexham even the nannies are like i want to speak it in the back i want to be playing him hey that's the song to play for this it's like a boy racer car. Like there was cars in the music video, weren't there? Got to go. I'm going to be late, babe. What the fuck? Got to be late. I honestly don't know. Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey, hey, I'm in love anymore Bad Boy Chiller Crew whatever they're knocking out get that in the back I'm from Bradford I got big beats and then just as I've got exactly 21 seconds to beat your time I got 21 seconds to go I got 21 seconds to go

21 seconds I'll go last I'll go last I'll go last because if I know I'm not winning I'm just going to crash the car into the wall But the car's got to be a 10 Sorry No I want to know what car it is It doesn't have to be funny

Stop looking at Carl In joke there You've genuinely just seen how we plan live shows that's usually off camera and it always scares everyone when i when i have the dickhead idea and everyone's like oh fucking hell the boring ones having fun ideas this is gonna get i'm so confident i'll win is is what i'm willing to wager. You can pour a time bomb in the car

with 10 seconds longer than your best time and I'll finish the race and then go and turn it off. Right. Finn, you're half Muslim so don't put in time bomb to Google because that's going to set something off, isn't it? He's making a time bomb. Isn't all bomb a time bomb?

We've got patrons who can build bombs come on definitely I've seen them isn't excuse me aren't all bombs a time bomb I've never heard them called time bombs before

ticking time bomb well a time bomb is one that goes off to a set time rather than the one you have to press yeah when we put this well press it no okay no to be fair

a bomb vest that's got to be... That's worn. And then the traditional out of a plane, although that's a little bit outdated. Oh, no, it's not. It's still going. Do you know if they can drop a saucepan to someone who makes bombs?

Do you know if they've not got enough? You were there? Yeah, I was, yeah. He's not lying. Oh, cool, cool, cool. Got name on him. Yeah, I know someone who makes bombs he does

for the RDS I've got Scottish John for guns and I've got Welsh Frank for bombs Welsh Frank oh Welsh Frank but he said

sometimes you don't drop bombs unusual currency you'll just drop a a slab of concrete and it does the same it does the same effect to the target and they can do it

with them like say like they wanted to hit that table from the sky they could hit it and not hit me and you. They'd just drop a slab of concrete and just make it. So they don't always drop bombs.

They can't do it that accurately. You can't predict the wind. Is Welch-Frank a what? I don't understand what you... I literally don't understand what's just... A friend of Carl's girlfriend was dating, I don't know whether she still is, a guy who makes bombs for a living

his I mean I'm not having a name or anything but so how did they drop the concrete from a plane

they just got two fellas and there's no targeting system they dropped two Polish fellas who were looking for work

and they just threw it out no like I'm not making it up but genuinely it does sound mental though doesn't it yeah

they got a guy and he's just got one brick he's dead good no Frank no I'm in three two

one fuck primary school shit but what happened was once so they used to write their names on the bombs

like oh we're from this battalion is it battalion no what is it yeah maybe

regiment regiment yeah we're from this B&. Is it battalion? No? What is it? Yeah, maybe. Regiment. Regiment, yeah. We're from this B&Q, if you're to believe. It's not mop bucket. Yeah. One landed and didn't explode,

so they had all the names of the people who built the bomb and where they worked. Just give it a nickname and go, fuck you, Taliban, rather than be like, this is from Dave who lives in Warrington, W.A.

Yeah. So they had to stop doing that but yeah there's a little insight I didn't I just mental mental I didn't know

you could do that yeah we know someone who makes bombs I love the confidence of that come on to be fair

like we couldn't get him to make one for us no no I don't I don't know whether he does like

foreigners he kills loads of them That's not what I Hang on, you knew what I meant What? Do you call jobs Away from your traditional thing foreigners Or is that a Scouse thing?

What? I don't even know if it's got racial connotations It just means outside of your usual So let's say you work for a If you so let's say you're a you work for a if you're a painter and decorator and you work for a painting and decorating firm

but then you go and do like a little private job for someone's house it's called a foreigner you ever heard that before I you mean like moonlighting

yeah yeah but you're moonlighting as in my head moonlighting's like dressed mad at night moonlighting is like moonlight what there's like dressed mad at night. Moonlighting is like...

What? There's like a single streetlight and it's raining. Like a disco ball. Oh, look at Carl out with his sequined suit. Yeah. Dancing in the moonlight. Right. Have you ever heard that before?

So moonlighting means you're taking cash in hand on top of your job. Yeah. Right. But this is doing a foreign. No, I've never heard that. Have you heard it? Finn's heard it. It's quite scouse.

It just means outside. Didn't you hear it as a slur? Sorry, Finn. Doing a foreigner. It's his ex. It's a thing. So my dad used to work for painting and decorating firms, but he would do foreigners on the weekend.

Chinese? No, a weekend Chinese no I nearly bit I nearly bit I'm not no no I know this is very boy you cried wolf I didn't think that was a Scouse thing

but maybe it's not a Scouse thing I felt like he just wanted to get to the point where yeah on the weekend my dad did foreigners fuck you know

it just means of outside doesn't it outside of your dad trying to play FIFA keep it down upstairs with Mr Patel fucking hell it just means outside doesn't it outside of your dad trying to play FIFA keep it down upstairs with Mr Patel no

come on that's my I know it is genuinely boy zoo glad wolf but that's a

common term surely alright alright cool yeah right so if you've got a boy racer car

have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got any suggestions that you'd like harry to look at michael rose 60 at gmail.com and if you're an indian i actually think that's his email if you're an indian man who wants bumming adam's dad you can have to bleep that email That's actually an email Ken Bleep that shit Dot co dot Org It's not foreigner Dot org

He's an organisation He's an organisation Yeah My dad's a registered charity Bummed a lot of Indians Watch your That's what he does It's like a weird make a wish

Indian men who want to get bummed one last time By a painter and decorator from Dovey Indians. That's what he does. It's like a weird make a wish. Indian men who want to get bummed one last time by a painter and decorator from Dovey. I'm just the international. I'm just the international just not doing enough. You can write a letter and more hands on. What would your version of a foreigner be? I don't know whether we can do it, can we?

I suppose, like, now that we're talking comics, it's doing a little pub gig for 200 quid for a mate. No, it's not. I think that's still your gig. I think it's, isn't it like Coming to Host Hosting awards or something No that's just a corporate Isn't it Yeah

I think it's a pub gig Once you're already touring Your mates running a little I've got a new boozer there Will you come down Just do a little set for us Yeah bring your name along Oh mate

Especially when you're a circuit comic And someone goes Oh we need someone to host a quiz Choose a night 80 quid That feels like a foreigner Yeah When you're like

You've got a mic And there's people And you're like But you've got a mic and there's people and you're like, but this isn't the same. Do you like foreigners? Yep. We wouldn't have asked if it wasn't for foreigners going on.

Oh, the amount of foreigners I did. Foreigners fed me from the age of like four to 18. Oh, when it was January, the only way I ate

was by doing foreigners. It was cold, cold nights. My dad was taking money off foreigners every weekend. On and on again. Yep. We love foreigners. We like them.

Cash in hand. Break. You know it's right. This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. You get matched in under 48 hours. It's not a crisis line.

This is a way for you to get professional therapy done securely online. There's a broad range of expertise available, which may not be like locally available for you to go and see in your area so say you're going through some like childhood trauma or whatever and you're trying to deal with that there might be not like a childhood trauma person near where you live you can get it online with these you can log into your account anytime and send a message to your therapist at any time you get timely thoughtful responses plus you can

schedule weekly video or phone sessions you will ever have to sit in an uncomfortable waiting room. Now, here's the thing. I've been trying to get into a bit of therapy at the minute. I've got some stuff I need to unpack. And the idea of sitting in that waiting room and looking at all the other people and trying to figure out what they're up to and them figuring out what I'm up to,

that's the bit that's not going to be sick. So better help once you start living a happier life today. This is the new way to get therapy done, and I'm going to be using it myself. I'm actually getting therapy at the moment. It's genuinely helpful. I don't think there is any stigma about it anymore, and it's not just because of trauma or whatever.

A lot of it's just life coaching. It can help you see how you're going forward. Honestly, I'm getting a lot from it and better help can provide it without you having to go and see a therapist it's also more affordable than like traditional online therapy it's a lot more affordable and even if you're struggling properly and can't even afford the extra affordable therapy there's like financial aid and stuff available it's genuinely a really great system now obviously there'll be some people who want to just go and see someone in person but if you feel like you would benefit from online therapy that is not a

better place in the world for you to go than to better help we have a special offer for have a word listeners get 10 off your first month at betterhelp.com slash word 10 that's better h-e-L-P dot com slash word 10. Go ahead. Hey! Welcome back to Pound for Pound, the number one podcast on the planet. The number one long-form podcast on the planet. Pound for Pound. Because the short-form arena is taken up by these cubs. Yay!

Nice. I made that up. It's not a... You know it's not a thing. What thing? Do you believe it's a thing? Believe what's a thing? The short form.

Adam believes a lot of things. I'm just saying it's not a thing. It's not a thing, is it? No, you are pound for pound the best short form comedy podcast in the world. Oh yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, fine. Yeah, but I've been saying that.

Talk about it. I've been saying the number one. Number one? That league table. The number one podcast or short form? No, short form. I've made up a division. No, but there's a lot of snobbery in them

because if you try and do like an eight minute pod, you really get criticised for going all the way to 15, 16. These cunts. Getting ideas about their station. Call it short form. Got some time on the hands. How are we, boys? Good.

Are you? I'm all right, yeah, are you? I got woken up. I just got on the train here. It's a weird time to ask that question. Anyway, how are you doing? He fucking texts me on the... I was on the train and he got on my train

and couldn't find me. Your train? What a fucking... Fucking his lordship. What are you talking about? How could you not find me on a train? Thank you so much for letting me travel on your train. There's no turning.

It's just that way. Keep going that way, you'll find me. You still managed to not find me. I've walked the whole length of the fucking track no you haven't if you did you would have found me were you on the same train and you were separate yeah not the whole way i just texted because i went because i thought he's just not found me i'm gonna have to go and find him. I went, hello? He went, what are you doing here? What do you mean, what am I doing here? I told you I'm on the fucking train. This is what I have to put up with.

When we got off at the train station to come and meet you, for the lift here, thank you very much. You know, it's one of those train stations where there's two sides. Yeah. All train stations, surely. No. All one of those fancy train stations with two sides. What are you talking about?

There's two platforms. There's one and two. Yeah, but sometimes there'll be two platforms and you have to cross the bridge to go to the exit. It has two exits. Yeah. To be fair. Not so smart now.

Right, so wait, bear with me. So we get off the train. I follow his lead because he's a fast walker for no reason. Walking really quickly. He's really airing our dirty laundry today. I follow him in minute two. I follow him up the stairs. And another thing that annoys me about Paul.

But this is just today. This is just today. Must walk in twice. You fast walking son of a bitch. It's like when Mario's jumped on a mushroom. It's ridiculous. Fucking where are you going? He's trying to get as far away from you as fucking possible.

That does my head in though. When you're with just one other person and they fuck off. Dan's a fast walker. Yeah, you are. On nights out, you always always fuck you like where are we going right see you all later bye but that was the cocaine usually wasn't it that was me right right where are we going doing a lap come on guys two sides so you went to the wrong side it's not the point i don't mind i don't mind mistakes right Mistakes are fine. We get out the train.

We walk up the stairs. It's so generous, isn't it? We walk up the stairs. We cross the bridge. We go back down. We get down the stairs. So we're now at the other side. And he goes,

I thought it was the other side. Well, why did we cross then? If you thought it was the other side, why did we cross? Anyway, good to be here. Nice to see you, boys. The worst train station in the UK for shit like that is Birmingham New Street because there's 37 exits

There's more restaurants in Birmingham New Street than there is in the town that I live in You could go there on holiday That place used to be a shithole Oh awful WH Smiths, Burger King empty cider bottles and a few people asleep on a bench now yeah it's got to be one of the top tourist destinations in the uk

but it's weird that station because it's one of those stations it's essentially like a shopping center with a huge food court and everything but But then if you want the train, it's all underneath. And it's like time travel. It's like, well, welcome to the future. This is all the, obviously you want all the Wagamamas and everything. That's great. And then you go underneath and it's just ancient and 80s feeling and dark. And you can just smell diesel.

The Keynesian. It's really grim under that station. Also, they need to sort their platform numbering system out well because i go liverpool lamb street okay nine nine c okay so i just head to number nine they're like oh you're on nine eight nine c oh you might think that would just be a further along this platform not at all it's actually on it's in another train station that one you've come to the wrong train station well i'll tell you what can get in the wagamamas manchester platform 14 is like a different station i have missed a train out of there.

I slipped on a bit of coffee and went old fashioned. I was running for a train. I was like, Jesus Christ, it's like a five minute walk from the rest of the platforms. I had to run around the corner, went, ooh, bloody hell.

Genuinely, that's not an exaggeration. There's like 10, 12 platforms just in a line, old school. You're on the concourse and there's the things.ation. There's like 10, 12 platforms just in a line, old school, like you're on the concourse and there's the things. And if you want those ones, that's the one that goes to Liverpool

or... Absolutely right, yeah. And you have to go down the side. There's a travelator. Travelator. There's another. Travelator? Mate, it is miles away.

A shuttle bus. It's like Terminal 5 to Heathrow. That is... It's got its own little coffee shop Fuck you made it all the way to 14 You must be freezing You got your passport Fucking hell

I can't stand it when the train stations of cities Have another name In them It's a Birmingham news street I'm not from Birmingham I don't know what that is Just be Birmingham Yeah but then don't know I'm not from Birmingham I don't know what that is Just be Birmingham Yeah but then Doesn't it surely help you

No you have to be Because you know It's on New Street I just want the main Main Yeah no I give you It needs to be Birmingham City

Bigger Birmingham What if there's Two train stations Cool no The other ones The secondary ones Yeah I call them what you want

I don't give a shit But the needs to be This needs to be called Birmingham Main Birmingham Main Manchester Main I'm not from Manchester Central What the fuck is Piccadilly I call them what you want, I don't give a shit. But the needs to beat this needs to be called- Birmingham, Maine. Birmingham, Maine. Manchester, Maine. I'm not from Manchester. What the fuck is Piccadilly?

Central. There we go. It's like they've already thought. Well, just to piss you off, in Liverpool, the main station is called Liverpool Lime Streets and the shit one is Liverpool Central. Fuck's sake. Mental.

Birmingham International. Where's that? I was out, mate. I'm gonna watch out Birmingham International. Where's that? That's our mate. I'm going to watch out for that. Yeah, that's the airport you know. London Stansted. Or... All the London ones. You can't have London, Maine, can you?

No, no. You've got it because they're all dotted around. Yeah. There's not like a in town... Well, as people in London never tire of telling you, London is just a collection of villages. Right. Exactly. Yeah. What a love... Yeah? never tire of telling you london is just a collector collection of villages right exactly what a lovely village king's crosses well absolutely right yes i've seen a picnic in a lovely little village called pickham what a lovely village of sex traffickers and murderers

what houston's the main one no it's the main one for you. It's like a true northern. If you're from anywhere north on the east coast, King's Cross is the main one. If you're from east or Essex or whatever, Liverpool Street. If you're from the west, you come from Bristol, Paddington.

And if you're from anywhere down the south, Waterloo. Victoria or Waterloo. South-east Victoria or south-west. No, but for us, Euston is, because if you're from the Northwest, that's where your train goes into. And what is it?

Birmingham is, I can never say Marylebone, whatever it is. Marylebone. Marylebone. Yeah. Marylebone. Yeah.

Is it Marylebone? There's a couple of unnecessary consonants in there, isn't there? Like February. Get rid of that R, mate. We don't need it. I'm so glad I never did London. I know you boys London. I know,

I know you boys do. You did, but you, you've gone back to the hometown. Yeah. I know everyone. Yes, exactly.

There's one curry house and they know me. Hello, Paul. Just packed up my bloody bamboo with that thing on it, my dogs like this. Did you live in London for ages? Not ages, but I did two stints there,

a pre-comedy stint, and then I ran a pub on Caledonian Road in Islington when I was basically a child. Yeah, I was like 25, and I by default became a manager at this pub with the roughest estate in London across the road. I got run round the bar. It was a circular bar by a local gangster.

I had to lock myself in a cupboard. Just a child. A local gangster called Tony Thompson. He was having a fight and I, like, he was barred already.

There was no security on the door during the week. Well, what was I going to do? I'm like, fucking telling him he can't come in.

Someone got held up at knife point there after I left and I said, I told you you needed security there midweek. Anyway, he came in and I was like, you're not supposed to be in here and he's like oh i'm

all right mate i'll be good as gold blah blah within 10 minutes he's having a fight with someone and i was like mate can you calm it down because you want some as well grabbed a glass after bar came behind the bar started chasing me around there was a cupboard where the electrics were i got in there i had a key for it and i locked myself banging on the door didn't you ride a moped around that yeah that was so we had one night in there which it was it was an amazing bar it was cut at the weekend it was really cool like like djs and stuff in there and um but it had like a circular bar and one night we had a mad night we would try to see who could down the most out of a bottle of vodka then we had my mate's

crash helmet on because he'd turned up on his moped and we were smashing bottles over each other's heads with the helmet on and you were the landlord and then we got his moped

I was the landlord we got the moped we got his moped in there we were doing laps all three of us on this moped round the bar thank fuck

Tony Thompson's not here this should get out of hand we must have crashed it into the wall at the back there was a hole in the plasterboard and i came in the next day there was a guy like a handyman doing some work and he said um i was i woke up really hung over and was just like had that sort of feeling of like i need to go in and check because i can't remember what happened last night sorry paul just get the mic a little bit sorry there you go just kind of like i don't i feel like i need to just go in and check everything i can't remember what happened last night sorry paul just get the mic a little bit sorry there you go just kind of like i don't i feel like i need to just go in and check

everything's okay so i went in and the handyman was there and i just walked in because the fuck did you get up to in here last night because it was triatrax in here and he goes mate i don't know what's going on but there's carny because did you have a bonfire out the back so i'm not stood there and he goes abby this is the guy that owned he goes he's not happy mate i would get anyway at that moment abby walks in and i'm like really hung over so he sort of stood there and he's going what what the what the fuck happened in here last night and i'm going i don't know i don't know mate i need answers what happened in here last night and as he's saying this i'm like sweating.

And I look over his shoulder, and they used to get these flowers delivered every Monday that were like 50 quid, which was quite a lot of money at the time. This was in the 90s. It was like this big selection of flowers. They're not in there. They're all on the floor. And there was just two vodka bottles and a broom sticking out of the thing where the flowers had been.

And I just like clocked it over his shoulder. I was like, oh, man. So anyway, the short answer is yes, I lived in London for a long time and that was... Did you keep that job after that day? Yeah, I did. I don't know how, but yeah, just... And you were the manager?

I was the manager, yeah. I love it. I love it. I don't know what everyone's problem with London is. You make out as if like, it's just another place. It's not like you leave London and everyone's doing the conga and we're all friends. It's just the same as everywhere else. There's just bigger buildings. It's not like you leave London and everyone's doing the conga and we're all friends. It's just the same as everywhere else.

There's just bigger buildings. Yeah. There's less gardens though, isn't there? There's less gardens. All right, I'll give you that. Because in your head,

it sounds like you think everyone's like, well, you know, I would move to London but conga Tuesdays, I just can't. Everyone goes on about

it's rude. Oh, the friendly north is a sack of shite. Yeah. You get off Manchester Piccadilly and go and say hello

to a fucking stranger as you leave the railway station, particularly after 9pm. Hello, friendly northerner. No. Have you let on to someone? No, you get on on that.

What a fucking load of shite No we lived there But it's this thing that northerners Tell themselves that everyone's Super friendly If you go up to a stranger in London You're like excuse me do you know which way the bus stop is You're going to get stabbed in the eye

Fuck off you northern cunt Get back on your fucking livestock Get on the fucking mountain way You awful northern cunt. Some 70-year-old nana, he's teach you a lesson, boy. You're in fucking, you're in town now, son. There's loads of friendly people in London. But if you get off out of Lime Street at 9pm on a Saturday night,

if you're from, like, anywhere, don't be like, ooh, let's go and meet some northern friends. Hello, love, welcome to Liverpool. Can you drive you around? Show you some places. Have you got two kidneys? No, it's not gonna happen. No, but Liverpool is like, sure talk.

It is like, it's not a Liverpool. More friendly to London for sure. Okay, so, but I'm not going out to make, what, I don't want to make friends when I visit a town. I went to Liverpool. It was fantastic. I made eight new friends.

I'm going there for a reason. I'm probably with someone. That's my friend. Who's your friend on this? You! Sean's had to make up a friend Sean's never bought With his imaginary friend I've already got a friend

I could have a friend I just choose not to have a friend I'd love that Some friendly scouser Trying to befriend Sean He's like No I'm with John Amazing

I think the North is personally you know more more friendly more friendly people i was talking to a girl when she came to uni and she come for like the visit and they were a moment she was like oh we were lost earlier and we asked the guy for directions and he just walked us to where we wanted to go he was like we wouldn't get that she spent a lot of time in london and lived in Jersey He walked He actually walked them He was like I'll show you He was like I'll show you yeah Who wants that?

I don't want to be walked to the thing Just fucking point me in the direction It's like when you're at the supermarket And they try and take you to the thing Like I don't want to walk with you You shouldn't have brought up friendliness boys This sort of Sean's Achilles heel Leave me alone

Triggering I've never seen anyone get triggered by the thought that someone might be helpful and friendly before. You don't need to walk me there. You just point me in the fucking direction. Now it's awkward. What are we going to do?

Have a little small talk? How's your week? What am I meant to say? Why don't you say what you're in town for? Oh, God. No, this is terrible. Absolutely terrible. You've got to be a comedian. You're not town for. Oh, God. No, this is terrible. Absolutely terrible. Yeah, but you've got to recognise...

Comedian, well, you're not very funny. You're fucking hell. You've got to recognise, Sean, that it is objectively a friendly, nice thing to do. You just don't like it. Yeah. You want misery and dismissiveness. I don't want misery.

I just want to be left alone. Just point me where the Tesco's post office please if you work in a shop and you ever see sean walsh and he asks what i have something's on do this for me give him a big smile and then just take his hand interlink your fingers and walk him around and if you could get a selfie of the look of utter horror and disgust on his face please send in to have a word pop when i was in new york a dutch woman asked me for directions to a to a cafe and i said i'm going to a cafe actually um i'm going this way so if you want to come to this way you can follow me so i was that guy but i was going there anyway i didn't just randomly walk

into the place i was going come with me so we walked and we talked so it's easy because we're both tourists what have you seen how long have you been here all the standard questions we got to the cafe she sat on the table fucking next to me it was mental it was absolutely mental it's like i've walked you here that's the end of the contract why why would i want to have breakfast with you? And what did she say when you said that? It was painful. Maybe she thought there was something there, though. Maybe she was like, this guy's walked me. He's being very friendly.

He's got a similar interest to me. He's a tourist in New York. We're going to the same cafe. Maybe she's like, I want to carry on this conversation for flirty reasons. Well, no. She was in her 450s, I don't know. You never know. She might have wanted some young...

Would you have wanted to have done... If you walk someone to a destination, do you then want to spend the time with them at the destination? 100% no. I'm 100% on your side. As soon as someone that you've just shown a bit of kindness to opens up,

you're like, oh, why did I do that? All right, mate, how you doing? I am good. How are you? And then boom. Exactly. So as a Northerner, you all right? You all right?

It just means hello. But some people go, I am all right. Thank you for asking. How are you? You're like oh no I don't want to talk to a stranger today I went to watch

Liverpool the other day on Matthew Street and it was an illegal stream so the pub was really busy it was the only place in town that I did on it was American

so it was sound so it was like Mohamed Salah is coming down for Liverpool I just realised what you did. I thought, what's he doing?

And then it clicked. Out of the chemistry, yeah? Yeah, but we're friendlier in the north. And more racist. Mohamed Salah. Mohamed Salah. Goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal, goal. Goal.

Goal. Goal. Goal. Is that how they say it? That's word for word. Is it word for word? That's a goal and a call to prayer. Sean.

Fucking hell. You were saying you wouldn't want any bits edited out. Look at Paul's face. That's probably the end of the story. Yeah, there was just a guy who obviously listens to this, who was very sort of keen, because I was watching it with Alfie, my little brother, and he was very keen to be like,

so we're all going to be friends for 90 minutes, aren't we? Bloody footy pals. Yeah. Which is fine sometimes. Sometimes when you're in the mood, it's fine. But there's other times when you just, all you've done is just show a bit of humanity. You've opened the door.

And then you get mental back. All the mental. You're like, no, that's why you should be in this. I'll just open that door've opened the door. And then you get mental back. All the mental. You're like, no, that's why you should be in this little place. I'll just open that door for you there. Okay, do you want to fuck? No, I'm fine. Wow. That's a lot of humanity, isn't it?

You know, manners. She said, do you want to fuck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then this car broke. That happened, yeah. One of the scientists. Oh, someone actually said that? Yeah, last week.

And it's... What a lovely woman. That happened, yeah. One of the scientists. Oh, someone actually said that? Yeah, last week. What a lovely woman. Yeah. I haven't met her. What? I haven't met her yet. She was northern.

Very northern. And she shows you where to fuck. Let's go. I love whinging about stuff with you lot. It's fucking great fun. That is sort of, you two have started a podcast together now. Yeah. It's been going,

how long, you must be quite a while into it. But it's, yeah. You're ages into it. Did you ever, you had like a break? Yeah.

Yeah. So kind of, but it's called what's upset you now. Yeah. And it's essentially either you two on your own. Yeah. Or you've got a guest in. Yeah.

And it's just, what is fucking pissing you yeah kind of the petty sort of minor things that have annoyed us yeah sean and i've been friends for a long time we sort of speak on the phone a lot and uh as you can tell sean is very easily annoyed so um but it's genuine though yeah yeah yeah in it we were just talking about what my least favorite shtick is the, I tell you what else is really annoying from like a very likeable shipper guy.

And it's from Sean. The opposite, isn't it? Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so real. Really. People are like watching me going, what's this guy's problem? Well, here's the thing.

But they believe you. So my... Oh, I know what you're gonna say yeah so my sister's friend uh went to university in brighton and um basically had so how did this come to fruition so basically she had clocked this guy around uh in town talking angrily on his phone who she had nicknamed. 2005, 2006, are we talking? Angry Man. Oh, yeah.

And my sister. How did it come to light that that was? Oh, that was it. So basically, my sister's friend had been telling my sister about this guy that she kept seeing around Brighton angrily talking into his phone that they'd nicknamed Angry Man. Oh, I saw Angry Man today. I saw Angry Man today. So basically, my sister's friend had been telling my sister about this guy that she kept seeing around Brighton, angrily talking into his phone that they'd nicknamed Angry Man. Oh, I saw Angry Man today. I saw Angry Man today.

I saw Angry Man today. Then she got a text one day saying, fucking hell, Angry Man's on mock the week. And then my sister was like, that's my brother's mate. So that's the whole sort of thing. This kind of guy that she kept telling her about, she'd seen around Brighton, angrily shouting into her phone. It was like, my God, he's on the TV.

You guys have made a podcast that was of what your friendship is anyway. Basically, yes. What our phone calls are. I think, wasn't it one, was it, is this, I can't remember, but was it that time that I was in New York and I had bumped into someone? I'd bumped into someone I knew in New York, right?

I think that's pretty fucking remarkable, bumping into someone across the Atlantic, right? Yeah, it's absurd, really. Right, it's absurd. For a city of 12 million people, right? Something like that. Yeah. I'm about to go, like, I'm about to go, like, fucking hell, I'm about to go like i'm about to go like fucking

how i'm about to give it the you know what you would do and he just went all right and i was so angry i was just like in my head like all right do you fucking mean all right i've bumped into you in another city the other side of a land stop trying to play it cool with me like this is normal this is fucking mental so i ring up paul and i had this rant down the phone and then and then one of us i don't know was that it yeah it's always like monetize this is this all right do you think this is okay like what someone's i've just sat down and someone has said this you think am i being like do you think this is okay? Like, what, someone's... I've just sat down and someone has said this. Do you think... Am I being, like...

Do you think this is okay? I can't believe I've just sat down here and someone has sat on a... Is this... That's called a bus. That will happen. Do you look like... You don't get both seats.

What's that impression you did? Oh, fucking hell. I can't believe I've got a part. This is what I have to put up with all the time. Fucking hell. I came on a call the got to put up with this. This is what I have to put up with all the time. Fucking hell. I came on a call the other day. We were recording remotely over Zoom, and I came on and I was eating a biscuit.

And he'd go, oh, I can't listen to you eating. I can't. Oh, no. It's zippy. It's zippy. Ow. I can't. And then he was going to Mikey.

This is what I have to put up with all the time. I can't listen to this oh god is there anything sean that brings you just like pure joy even for like a fleeting moment honestly it'll come out with some pretentious shit you know what i like i like to be sat by a stream with a good book it'll be something like that in the bath i like a bath i like a bath thank you a bath but with me laptop open with netflix on sat on the toilet seat spa music on the alexa yeah what's dan's face doing can you can you honestly can you imagine adam what's a what's a bath half an hour if you're really treating yourself have you ever been able to go the full bath

without checking your phone? Yeah, I don't take my phone in the bath. He calls me while he's in the bath. He phoned me while I was in the bath. You can do a full bath without- It's one of the few scenarios in life where I don't need it. Wow.

Because I've got like Netflix or a bit of music on and I'm just sat there stewing. Just, I'm so content in a bath. I really am. Wow. Amazing. Do you think that's okay?

What? So he phoned me and I'm sort of chatting to him in about 15 minutes. He's like, what's that water? Because I'm in the bath. He's going to phone me when you're in the bath. Don't you phone him to just get angry about stuff? Just lying naked, talking to me in the bath.

It's not on FaceTime. That's weird. It's not on FaceTime. That's weird. It's not on FaceTime, is it? It's fine. Do you ever, on the phone, do you ever, if you need a shit, and you're like, oh, this is a good chat, I'll be able to mute this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I call him. I call him and I don't tell him. I answered the phone. It's great. I answered the phone to the agent the other day whilst I was having a shit. All right. Because I think we were

talking about like dissociation and like i'm so desensitized to any sort of weirdness it just doesn't bother me so i was just like i guess you know like somebody started talking and then i just and then i flushed chin he's like in the toilet and i was like nope i just flushed the sink. Yeah, I don't think there's anything. What do you mean you're desensitised to weirdness? Why? The idea of answering the phone to someone whilst I'm having a shit,

to me, it's just, it doesn't matter. You can't see it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing. So it doesn't matter. As long as you can't see it. As long as you mute the... There is a mute on your phone. I've got to be honest with you, I never have to make that noise. No, of course you don't. Surely. As long as you mute the... There is a mute on your phone. I've got to be honest with you, I never have to make that noise.

No, of course you don't. Surely you're not on the phone as though... What's that? It's an angry dog. I have a rabid fox in the bathroom. Actually, that should be my decision, if I want to talk to him while he's lying in... Oh, you've not...

Floating around naked. You've not consented. Yeah, exactly. I've not consented. Do you ever do this? Do you ever... Be honest with me, right? Here, this is an honest space. Is that what it's called? Yeah, exactly. I'm not consented. Do you ever do this? Do you ever, be honest with me, right? Here, this is an honest space.

Is that what it's called? Yeah, it really is. Do you ever do this, right? In the bath, and I shut my legs. Well, pretend you're a woman. Tuck your dick and balls between your legs. No, no, no, no, no, no. Fart, and the bubble goes down the wedge in your legs

and comes out the other end. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't have a bath. I have showers, so. Yeah. Yeah, it looks like your feet are farting. And the little bubbles come out the other end. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't have a bath. I have showers, so. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like your feet are farting. And the little bubbles

come up at the end and you feel the bubbles. Sean's ability to do observational comedy is honestly, there isn't many better in the world. I fucking love

dicking around in the bath. That's where my ADHD, I've said this on here, I cannot have a wet razor anywhere near the bath that's where my eight my adhd i've said this on this i cannot have a wet razor anywhere near a bath that i'm in because i'll just be like and just a fat white fucking dolphin comes out like a beluga because i've shaved everything just through having just boredom also i've got a fat back, and sometimes I start pulling my back fat off the bottom of the bath, and I can feel the sort of pressure.

What? It's just weird how much fun I can have in a bath on my own. Do you ever stick your toe in the tap? Yeah. Not the hot one. No, in the cold one, you just get it wedged in the tap. I just get a show on me.

Yeah, me too. I just... Sometimes I just put my toes in the tap. I just get a shower, me. Yeah, me too. Sometimes I just put my toes in the tap at the end. I love when Carl's not in the mood. Just have a shower. I'm the same. It's horrible. I feel really itchy when I get out of the bath as well.

It makes my skin really dry. I once had a bath for so long. It was about three hours. I got to the kitchen and fainted. But how many heat top-ups did you have to do? Just the whole time. I just keep... I shouldn't admit.

No, you can't. I was terrible for the environment. I won't do it again. I've learned from my mistakes. He's doing the Channel 4 apology weeks before it comes out. I'm already sorry, okay? He's shitting about Ins apology weeks before it comes out. I'm already sorry, okay? He's shitting about Insulate Britain

cancelling him. As I take the plug out so that the water's going down but then I feel it but I've the hot going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it gets hotter. So it stays at the same level and gets hotter.

But I did that for three hours and then got into the kitchen and blacked out. Fucking hell. So I don't quite do... I let like sort of like six inches... Like Dr. Zoiberg. I let like six inches of water out the plug hole and then I'll refill it all with hot.

Wait for it to go too cold again, then do the same. Yeah. Until I want to get out. That's a bit better. Yeah bit better yeah yeah yeah no one's ever turned the bath into a river that's a hot stream amazing oh do you ever do it do you do a candle or just going manly just like i don't have a bath ever I've bought myself a duck Have a bath Come on Do an Insta story Of you in the bath Come on Please

Do one of your pods From the bath Come on No Do you like bubbles I do I like a hot tub But not a bath

Oh I give myself a Santa's beard As well In the bath Even on my own No one else in the house I just like Into bubbles

I'll sitting there. I might be a dick. That's not cute when you've already got a beard. Look at me. Hot tubs are fucking great. They're a bit trashy, aren't they? I think they're a little bit. The ones in B&Q, they're like 460 quid.60 quid and laura's like we are not getting one of them and like well if i buy one and i bring it home inflate it and fill it up we have one and you are not involved and you can choose not to

get in it but me and the kids will be fucking splashing around like dickheads yeah i that is on the cards but i think i'm not being a snob in any way, but I think Laura's thing is that it looks a bit trashy to have like a cheap fucking hot tub around the back. I really want one. Yours doesn't look cheap. I've got,

no, yeah. I've got like a, a proper, I bought one when I did live at the Apollo. Like a lottery winner. So yeah. Exactly the same by the way. yeah do something cool get a bit

of money for it yeah spend all of it yeah and just be like okay i didn't earn any money that night i got to do a cool thing and now i've got a hot thing yeah exactly how much was your hot top seven grand oh mama mia oh mama mia oh that's why you had to move out of London. Just space for that cunt. Get planning permission for your Live at the Apollo hot tub. How big is it? Like five people. Sean and all of his made-up friends.

Brilliant. Oh, my God, that's a proper one. Oh, no, fuck, that sounds great. I'm talking about the 500-wood one. It still looks trashy, though. Do you know what I mean? It's got lights up different colours. It's got speakers in it.

It's got speakers. So I thought with a hot... This is how thick I am. On my stag do, we rented a fucking house. He's got those cars we were talking about in the first half. He's got a hot tub what does that do hot cars

do you know like the boy racer cars where they get like a Ford like a Vauxhall Corsa and they put like a big speaker system and then like lights on the top and like he's done that with a hot tub

parking in a Morrison's car park we I didn't I I've felt so thick. I didn't realise it's just a bath. A hot tub.

I thought... We went on the stag do and we rented a house near Chesterfield. Really old house. But it wasn't like done to a spec where you'd be worried

about getting pissed in it. It was really good. It's a good place to have a stag. There was 20 of us and the guy was like, cool, well, so just to let you know

with the hot tub, have at it and everything. These are the... That's to keep the temperature up and bloody blah. But he was like cool well so just to let you know with the hot tub have at it and everything these are the that's to keep the temperature up and bloody blah but just no make

like make up it won't be a problem for you we had a hen do and they just kept getting in they all fake tan and by the second night we had to turn it off

because it had been so dirty it was breaking the filter it was just scuzzing it so we were there on the Friday and we were there on the friday and uh we were there till the monday morning and on the sunday morning uh the guy came and he he was like well lads uh you know i hope you're having a good time but we've had to turn the hot tub off

this is the second dirtiest it's been behind that uh hen do i don't know what you've been doing but i honestly thought there was like a flow of water i thought there was new water going in and old oh yeah yeah just a big bucket really i'd weed in the i'd weed you know on the front i just absolutely steaming drunk i was like i should be fine just I'd lost the control. And then, you know when you're having those moments of honesty? I'll fix your piss. So when, on the Sunday, hungover, I was like, be honest. No one leave me hanging here. If you didn't, that's fine.

But be honest. Who else pissed in the hot tub when we were drinking in it? And there was this, like, really slow, like, Will Duggan went went my mate bondy went literally everyone apart from two people and the look of horror on those two people who hadn't been sat in piss around piss oh it's gross i genuinely i thought there was like a oh it just fresh yeah yeah i always thought that no but it's just the same water. Oh, so bad. I have no idea. For three months at a time.

But treated with chemicals and there's a filter. But yeah. There's no chemicals for my stack too. It was a tip it out, kill the lawn and start again. Was it a jacuzzi? Yeah, like a, yeah. Does yours bubble jacuzzi? Yes.

Seven grand? It's fucking better without the jacuzzi but it is just a big bath they're all they all bubble don't they yeah

but it's just yeah yeah it is good but I do sometimes think that was a fucking waste of money just a sort of sudden rush of blood

to the head no I've earned this I'm gonna well no wonder you don't have baths. I've got a seven grand hot tub. Yeah. You have the ultimate bath.

What are you talking about? You have the bath. How often do you get in it? In the summer, a lot, yeah. Trying to get value out of it. Yeah. It's the middle of January, Paul. Last winter, because it is nice when it's snowing

to get in there and it's hot and like, you know, on a clear night and you get in there and it's sort of, but yeah, not so. Also, where we live, there's flats over the back that look in and I'm like, this is not, that's my main thing. I'm like, this is not really suitable for where I live. I need a, it takes up half the garden for a start. And then there's like, yeah, it sort of ruins the mood when you can see someone sort of peering out of their window.

Just having a fad. Yeah. Come on, mate. You're not bad, you. Do bubbles. I want a hot tub. What are you drinking? Sorry, what's that?

It's a Gamerade. Is that like an energy drink? It does. The amount of guests that are now asking about what you're drinking means they're going to have to sponsor the... Hey, it's really healthy. These are the vitamins. It's got zinc.

It's got A, B3, B5, B6, B12, D3. Come on. I mean, that can't be bad for you. It's got 200 milligrams of caffeine. And I feel lightheaded. It's really good. It's great. Should of caffeine, and I feel lightheaded. It's really good. It's great. Should we have a little interval?

Yeah. Should anyone want a GamerAid? No. No. Hello, everyone. Let's talk about one of our sponsors today. It's NordVPN. Now, I don't know loads about VPNs, but the man to my left here is addicted to the internet,

and he's an expert see the fact that you don't use vpn for your private little danny time is insane to me it's the most secure way to save the internet you can set your location to anywhere on the planet and that means you get access to like you can change it to america you get american netflix you can change it to like saudi arabia and you get to watch the premier league football with the six saudi arabian commentators on you get to watch premier league football football with the sick Saudi Arabian commentators on. You get to watch Premier League football that's at three o'clock

that you can't get over here. It's just a sick way of tricking your computer or any device into thinking you're anywhere in the world. I can't recommend it enough and the fact that they're now a sponsor and I get a membership of NordVPN for free is,

it's my favourite sponsor I've had so far apart from Manscaped because they help me shave my balls. The deal is a two year deal plus one month for just 65 quid.

$89 which is about 65 quid. It's an amazing deal. It is at nordvpn.com slash have a word code word have a word.

Go and get it. Watch the footy. Watch whatever you want. Tell your computer where you are. He doesn't get to tell you where you are my computer sometimes looks at me without me vpn i'm like hey we're in liverpool here and i'm like no you're not you're in belarus nailed it welcome back to part four of today's spectacular episode with paul mcafree Sean Walsh, Dan Nightingale. This is a little trope that he's got into. By the last one, he's like, section four. Welcome back.

Go all pro. You go all pro. I'm trying to get into radio. No, you're not. I am. That's a lie. No, I want to get into local radio. I want to be the BBC Radio Merseyside drive time host this time next year.

That's the dream. That is the dream, isn't it? That is the dream. At what time? In the morning or? What? No, drive time, host this time next year. That's the dream. That is the dream, isn't it? That is the dream. At what time? In the morning or? What? No, drive time, the home one. 53 grand a year.

Loads of work. About 530. Yeah? Half a million a year. Is it? Yeah. Cool. They pay you more than Gary Lineker gets paid from the BBC.

Interesting. It is a big drive, isn't it? Got to think about the traffic in the tunnels, Dan. A lot of people. Not everyone's got Fastpass. I'd like to ask the boys from What's Upset You Now, What's Upset Them Now, if we can do that. I want to do that.

Paul, what's been pissing you off? Do you know what? And it's just because I'm going to Glastonbury this year and I'm just sort of getting to the time where you start thinking about festivals. This really pisses me off. It's VIP packages and more the people that fucking buy them.

You know, like, oh, actually, we're VIP. You know, they sort of spend an extra 200 quid and it means they get to use different toilets, a different bar. I can't lie to you. This is me, you know. Is this you? Oh, like Glastonbury especially.

If someone was like, right, you're going to Glastonbury and it's only an extra 200 quid and you get your own bar and your own toilet. Are you fucking mad? No, no, no. It's more the people that love telling you that they're in the VIP. Oh, yeah, we're doing the VIP.

But it's not like that. You're not famous, are you? You've just paid £200 more than everyone else. And actually, the thing is, the sort of people that go in there, it's like, you're paying to stay the fuck out of my way for the whole of the weekend. Great.

They're basically paying to pen themselves off from the good people at a festival. Yeah, the I in that VIP is impulsive. It's not important. Do you know what I mean, though? That sort of thing of just going, oh, yeah, weird. It's like, you've paid for that. You've not done anything to earn it, have you?

You've just paid £200 more than everyone else because you're a fucking idiot. But are they an idiot, though? Wouldn't you, like, is that not paradise to be at glastonbury and you don't have to queue as long as everyone else for the bar you can go for a shit in peace it's not the same though is it it's not you're not part of oh paul i thought i didn't even know that was the same because you don't have to queue as that's not part of the experience okay fine but but no like yeah okay maybe maybe to sort of, go and use the toilets or get a quicker drink, fine.

Okay, you've got that money. I've seen you get chased out of a backstage area by a woman for having a shit in a place you weren't meant to. What are you talking about? Yeah, but that's all right, though. That's for sneaking in and using their toilets, isn't it? That's him for just behind enemy lines. That's him for the drain. Parachutes. I went in there, I had a shit, and i got chased out with a roo on my hand and i stand by what i did that day did she catch him mid shit too late the shit was out man we're gonna push it back in is

she it was florence from florence and the machine florence and the machine yeah just not having you know that sort of thing if people were turning up in a limo somewhere where you've paid to look famous yeah yeah yeah do you know do you know what i mean that's the sort of fine if you want to you know you benefit from better uh conveniences or a slower bar queue and you've got the money to, that's one thing. Pretending that you're better than everyone else because you've bought a different ticket could get to fuck. Okay, I'll give you that.

I will concede. What about VIP in a club? Nightclub? Oh, even worse. That's not a real thing. McCaffrey is the least VIP. Full of burp. Look at him.

Full of grey goose. Yeah, yeah. Come at me. Between 15 of grey goose, stood up. Yeah, yeah. Come at me. Between 15 people. Classic McCaffrey. Where's the afterbuy? My hot tub. Yeah, no, not having that VIP in a club.

The least VIP ever. Not my vibe. Sean, what do you mean that doesn't really exist, VIP in a club? You don't pay for a VIP in a club. Of course you do. Yeah, you can. Yeah, like someone will come and greet you

and we've got your table over here. You get a table, you get like an earlier to stand that no one else can come near. We have to buy a couple of bottles. Sean, they're cordoning you off. That's so embarrassing. Like you're an exhibit at a museum.

There's a rope. And often there's a b bounce, isn't there? It's like, oh yeah, that's VIP behind there. I went to a restaurant in Saint-Tropez where there is a 10 grand bottle of champagne. And every time someone orders it, they played a Star Wars theme tune. That's the sort of prick that you're talking about.

Is it a Star Wars theme bottle of champagne? No, it's just like every time someone orders one, it's like, that's not a Star Wars. What the fuck? Are you sure it's a Star Wars theme? Yeah, I'm sure it's a Star Wars theme. Google it.

It's Thunderbirds. It's blind days. Let's hope she's consented. The Correlation Street theme tune. Paul, what the fuck were you doing at a restaurant in Saint-Tropez? You're a bit of an enigma today, you. I can't afford VIP at Glastonbury because I'm doing bi-weekly trips to Saint-Germain. Ah, yeah.

I had a voucher, though. I'm a good guy. I had a voucher, 20% off. I actually got that to visit my friend who was out there on holiday. Oh, I'm sorry. It felt like a weekend. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to apologise.

You had a boozer when you were 11 years old off the Caledonian Road. I got shot. I got out of game when I was 12. Fucking McCaffrey. Absolute podcast goal, mate. Yeah, I genuinely didn't know Glastonbury had a VIP pay... It's Glamping, isn't it?

That's a Leeds, Reading, all the other wanky commercial festivals you expect it. You know, when you see, like on YouTube, you watch a live thing, and there's a cordon off area near the stage. There's no mosh pit. It's just twats who pay more. It just really doesn't sit well.

The front of a stage, a festival especially, should be all the kids who got there at like 11.30 in the morning because the eighth band on is their favorite band absolutely right so i can remember when oasis did their 10 years of noise and confusion tour it's a slightly different point but we went out that night and the tickets were on sale at um shepherd's bush empire so we went to the shepherd's bush empire after we'd been out to queue through the night to buy tickets for this thing and then as the day sort of kicked off they went on sale at like nine in the morning it became apparent that the ticket taps were in cahoots with

the security and they were just getting to go through loads it obviously paid them so that they were able to get and yeah you just go like fucking hell there should be if you're a fan and you've queued for something that you love that you know that's murky isn't it and i agree with you like the front should be for the people that got there first that's murky isn't it and i agree with you like the front should be for the people that got there first that's yeah well this should be dehydrated children yeah being passed over like this one's fucked you can have that one like it there shouldn't be like a mosh pit and then a vip area 50 year old estate agents great on drinking apparel spritz do you know what?

I bloody love Blink-182. Somebody thought that could do it. On the subject of dodgy security guards, my gripe at the minute, what pisses me off, and this is getting worse, I think, I think COVID's done a lot to sort of heighten people's sense of importance in certain roles. And security guards who think they work for the fbi

security guards who take their like i'm the doorman on burger king far too seriously who think like it's a matter of national security whether you can squeeze in an extra one person at four i can't fucking start that to me is worse and a proper security guard taken like like they're on the front line of defense at war like oh no no no no no that is worse to me than a dodgy security guard because at least you know who they are a dodgy security guard who's taking bungs for like early release tickets or whatever i sort of expect that but these fucking idiots who think just because they've got a fucking badge on their arm that they're now important

I can't I love those viral videos of like you know like people trying to get in a football ground and the guy's meant to be searching the reason that you're like

yeah yeah yeah your phone can't be fucking off it's just like can't be bothered I love it when people are like I don't give a shit I think the FBI should be out scouting

like looking atouting like looking at grassroots like looking at your burger kings and your kind of shopping centers going this guy's got a big future he's wearing sunglasses well he's the security guard at asda he's got fucking potential do you know back in december when it covered looked like it was getting a bit hairy again around christmas and they made it law again that at crowded events, you have to have your mask on. Right? Yeah.

So I went to Anfield and I'm outside queuing to get in. There's not one mask in sight. Like no one's got it on. I get right to the front of the queue and then an announcement comes over the tunnel and it goes, Liverpool Football Club

would like to remind you all that it is currently law that you have to wear your face mask while attending the game tonight here at Anfield. And the security guard went, why are they fucking bothering me? It's like, it's your job, lad.

Just to remind Anfield that Boris Johnson has asked you nicely to wear your mask. Fuck off, Bojo. Fuck off, Bojo. It's things like that, though, where you go, it's impossible to control people if they just don't, if they all just tell you, like the people in power collectively to fuck off there's nothing anyone can do they're not going to not let 55 000 people into the match yeah it's like when a whole

end stands up yeah yeah like the cop stands for the whole match yeah yeah but i mean but they can close i mean they could close the end but that never happens does happens, does it? Hasn't that ever happened? Where they, because of something like that, they've literally not sold tickets for it. Have I made that one of the threats? Because they kept standing, so like, right, this is your last warning. No, it's never happened, has it?

No, it certainly never happened. On the day, it's not like, right, we want to start the second half. Tell you what, hey, the Anfield road end, bottoms on seats, fingers on lips yes i get it it's not happening i'll tell you what's pissing me off this week my phone i've noticed is have you had this it's telling me how long i've been looking at it oh no your screen time that's depressing stats and what the fuck is that but i've not i've not i've not chosen that it. Oh no. Your screen time. That's depressing stats, isn't it?

What the fuck is that? But I've not chosen that. It's just started doing that. Like, I don't want to fucking know. Don't blame, you're the problem. It's your fault. Why are you telling me? Like, oh, you've been looking at it for,

what is it? It's like in a, how long? It's like you're drunk. You're going, you've been having a bit too much of this thing it's like your sober friend the next day telling you what you said last night so i don't want to know keep this to yourself there's no good answer is there no there's no good no one's who's checked their phone it's all right you only checked your phone once today i know it's been too long. I know what the red Power Ranger looks like now.

Filled my head with so much shit. It's insane. What's your average? What are you batting at? How many hours? I reckon, do you know what? I can't remember, but I reckon I, it's awful. I reckon I look at this fucking thing.

I reckon six hours a day. Oh, I reckon I can dwarf that. Oh my God. Apart from bath time, he's fucking brutal. It's mental. Screen time. It's... Oh, that's horrific. What is it?

11 hours and two minutes. Oh, that is dirty. Mine's three hours. That's healthy. That's healthy. And that's down 9% from last week. What are you doing? To be honest, last week, I was just in my house all day

just fucking around on my phone. I was watching, like, telly on my phone. 11 hours a day. That is mad. If you throw Tinder in there, it's hard to be off it, isn't it? Yeah. Fucking hell. But you've admitted it.

This isn't new. You are phone addicted, aren't you? I'm a crackhead for me, Tom. Are you trying to sort that out or no? You're not bothered? I'd like to, but I'm a crackhead for me, Tom. Are you trying to sort that out or no? You're not bothered? I'd like to, but I'm not doing anything about it. No. Yeah.

I need to learn the discipline. What are your numbers, Dan? I'd probably be at about five or six. Right, okay. And this is someone who only got a smartphone. I was one of them contrarians. I was fighting it for ages. And I just didn't want to do it.

I tried getting an iPhone sort of like 2008. And I just didn't enjoy it. I found it intrusive. But since doing this, I bet my screen time has doubled. Because now it's not just gigs coming in. It's we're on the WhatsApp for work. I'm trying to run the admin for it. It's everything. And the thing is for work i'm trying to run the admin for it it's everything and the

and the thing is with your phone the more you in 2008 i didn't have loads of apps that i enjoyed but the more apps you get the more you put into social media the more you put into apps the more you get out of it it's it's it's hard because especially i would love to know how many times i check our Patreon every day. I would love it if Patreon were like, cool, these are your numbers. This is how many Patreons you've got. And this is how many times you checked it like a needy, weird cunt. Because we watch our Patreon grow so quickly.

It's like, oh, I've done. You know, like you check Twitter. Yeah, it's in your rotation. We've just started a Patreon and I can say we are we are not like we are a minuscule fraction of the numbers you are but still it is a phone just a little yeah oh god i'm refreshing my emails for that little like that little party emoji yeah but what you're talking about is it makes sense what you're talking about is is what you like the pleasures that you get from it work that all makes sense yeah i genuinely i genuinely i don't know how i get sucked into this because i think as a person i'm the opposite i think of

myself as the opposite of what i end up being um shocking all of r of Ryan Gosling's girlfriends. Yeah, go on then. And I'll end up looking at the history of Ryan Gosling's girlfriend. What do you do if you said to me, do you want to know that? I'd go, no, of course I don't. You'd be shocked at how these people look now. I don't even recognise them then. But I'd better have a look.

People do age, don't they they came from the 1993 heinz beans commercial what what makes it annoying is is everything you do now this is a massive gripe of mine i just want to be able to use something or buy something or go to a hotel without getting them going could you leave a review for that how was your experience yeah could you give us some feedback you're like i just want to be just want to do it just want to go i don't need i don't want to review everything like you should put them trainers off ebay what's your review i got the trainers yeah they're now on my feet and I've just walked to the shops. He's like, but he's a seller and he needs a review.

I don't want to do it. We stayed at a hotel in Leicester on Saturday. It was fine. It was fine. Immediately on Sunday morning, I'm driving away from Leicester and it's like, Dan, the Gresham Hotel would love to know

what you thought. I didn't complain. It's fine. I've left. It's fine. On a similar thing, can you all, restaurants and stuff and businesses stop asking for my postcode when i just want some dinner like nando's needing to know where i live

where i was born my mother's maiden name a password that's stronger than i need for my online banking it needs oh you gotta have seven special characters two capitals three numbers you need all of that but it oh my god in mcdonald's now on the screen you can log in you can have an account at mcdonald's so it can go oh you had a big tasty last time just so you know it's back in a few like they're recording everything you like you can who's doing that that that you get points don't you so you get free shit Who's doing that? That... You get points, don't you? So you get free shit. That's the selling point. Oh, just all loyalty cards

can suck my balls. Have you got the Matching More card? Oh, go fuck yourself. In Morrison's, every 18 months. Get the fuck off. But if you...

I can't believe it. If you collect Nectar points... I don't care. I just don't care i just don't care i don't want any more cards or shit yeah apart from nando's which was quite kind of good because if you eat nando's three times they give you some nando's for free the fourth time yeah their reward system was actually i kind of don't mind that deschambe in edinburgh if you like four breakfasts in there you get the fifth one free that That is a good, that's excellent. Is that an Indian place?

Mate. Indian breakfast? You've not had the Dishoom breakfast? No. My God. Are you going to Edinburgh this year? No, I'm going to London next week

though, there's loads there, isn't there? Mate, they do a bacon and egg naan with a spicy ketchup. It is absolutely phenomenal. Sounds great to be honest. With like

chai refills. You're going to Edinburgh the weekend? Yeah. You're going in the morning? The Shoon Breakfast, man, you will not regret it. It's right near the train station. I'll do it tomorrow morning. Princess, no, what's the Waverley? Yeah. Up the hill? Yeah, it's just the Edinburgh Main Edinburgh.

What's Waverley? What is Waverley? What's Waverley? Main. Big. Main. Edinburgh Main. Central. Central. Edinburgh Big. Haymarket.

Edinburgh Second. Yes. Edinburgh B. Thank you. But yeah, worth checking out. Also, when you get to a place and you've bought something and they're like, cool, we could take your email address for the receipt.

Oh, yeah. I've got a rule. If it's more than £100, I do it. So I just... Sometimes... What? What are you all about? If it's like a...

Email you the receipt. Why if it's over £100? Because it's like an electrical item that I might want to bring back. If it's like a fucking pair of socks, I'm going to ask. Oh, okay, yeah. Do you know what's happened to me? Because you can't lose the online receipt then. Yes.

You don't want to lose the receipt for something you might need to return but you're never going to take jeans back. Exactly. If I bought like a pair of earphones I'll do it. If I bought a sausage

roll. One sausage. One sausage. Do you want a receipt for that? No. One sausage. Can I have your email?

One sausage. Would you like a bag for that? I've had it where you like you know when you can't concentrate and you're like alright here's my email address and she was like cool thank for that I've had it where you like you know when you can't concentrate and you're like alright here's my email address and she was like

cool thank you and here's your receipt and I was like oh god I've given you my email address and I've got the paper receipt wasn't for a sausage roll though to be fair

but do it for big items because you will you will thank yourself Carl's sneaky sensible on stuff like that isn't he Martin Lewis over there just have a shower

quicker can't get you to sleep wet if it's online can I bitch about something that like since I've become

a dad and especially since Etta started school I just want to see all parents looking like big, sloppy, fat fucks. Just think... You don't want good-looking parents.

Now, I'm in no way going to position myself, because it's mainly mums on the school run, but there are a couple of hot dads, and I think they just need to calm the fuck down. I love it when I see... There's one dad who has permanently got some sort of injury but i really like i think he's definitely an alcoholic he's disheveled he looks fucked it's great fun he's dead friendly dead nice i've got my mate neil from two doors

down we always look tired and just like it's great it's reassuring to see neil because if what it's almost got he's got the same level of whinge as Sean and I find it reassuring never both of us go hello mate hello how are you tip fucking top one of us has got to make the other feel better about some shite and it's usually sleep deprivation and he's got like a bit of ketchup on his top I like it and then there's a couple of dads who just look like they're looking after themselves too well and I get they were just trying to like live longer and everything but they're making everyone else feel like shite. Especially the one that my wife definitely sort of fancies. He's got a top knot.

And he's annoyingly good looking. Fair enough if you want to look good, but you shouldn't be doing the school run, making me look like a fat squat in a woman's hoodie. I don't know. So yeah, if you're going to do the dad thing, just let yourself go a bit. With kids, I've got a dog.

With kids. It's the same. Do people stop you if you've got a kid and want to know? Yeah, they want to stroke the kid, yeah? Can I stroke the kid? They want to know what breed it is. Yeah, I've had nine months.

They stop it and they go, oh, is that a boy or a girl? It's like, why? Do you want to fuck it? What breed it is. Yeah, I've had nine months. They stop it and they go, oh, is that a boy or a girl? It's like, why? Do you want to fuck it? What does it matter? Yeah. The dog. Never asked that question.

A kid. No, the dog, not the kid. Not the kid. Sean, the amount of times I've been stopped in my village by people going, oh, beautiful, boy or girl? Well, you want to fuck it? Well, if it's a boy, yes. And the dog.

The dog. Boy, what is it? Why? What is going to change when you have that knowledge? Oh, it's a boy. Oh, fantastic. Come here. Yeah, but because...

I just acted out fellatio on a dog. I regret that. Can't make it out on TikTok. Sean Mulch sucks off dog. I think you just hate small talk, don't you? You just hate small talk, don't you? I agree with this, though. Anyone who says something that is totally unnecessary.

Unnecessary. I'm like, but why are you saying that? Like, there's no need for you to have that and you're like oh i'll let you know tomorrow what time i'm coming to pick you up and then you leave and they're like right see you later let me know about tomorrow it's like yeah well we've i've just told you i'm gonna let you know about tomorrow you don't need we don't need to have that little extra bit at the end because that's sort of the app you're saying that to fill silence that i'm actually more comfortable with.

Yeah. Also, I think you don't strike me as one of these dog people that would love the dog person chat. Because dog people can get really wanky. Like, hello, who's this? Like, talking about breeds and like... All of that. It's the same with parenting.

There's a level of parenting cringe. It's dog. It's fucking dog. It's dog. Oh, that's lovely. What is that? It's dog. It's just a fucking dog, mate.

What does it look like? Four legs, a tail, a mouth. Get out of my fucking way. Exactly. Absolutely. What sort of breed it is? What do you want to fuck up? Why are you bumping into that on your morning walk?

Oh, my God. No, but I tried. What a lovely dog. What breed is it? It's a dog, mate. Big one. Yeah. Medium.

How old is it? How old is it? What, have you got a birthday cake? What does it fucking matter how old is it? What are you going to do? Fuck it. How old is it? What are you going to do?

It's legal. There's no age of consent. What, it's three. That's 21 in dog years game on i wouldn't fuck a puppy i'm not an animal i relate to this so much you know like i really really do me and carl talk about it all all the time we've spoken about on this before like the mundanity of conversation like it's worse for me like in asda and you hear like two members of staff go like oh where are you going oh i'm off me but oh you're always on your break you

isn't funny neither of you think that's funny there's no way you think that's cackle laugh funny yeah yeah yeah the school run is bad for it i bet i'm gonna match it here we go again oh here we go again so uh etta started school in september and i already think i'm thinking about just making it more and lying just sort of yeah threatening someone just to see what happens because the morning bloody bloody weather like the cats and dogs it's driving me fucking mad

do you remember in Covid people going what do you think is going to happen how the fuck do I know what's going to happen why would I know

it's the comic that lives in West London oh don't I know I'll tell you sit down I'm going to hold a conference later on tell the rest of the country

what's going to happen how look at me I don't know what do you think's going to happen it's so stupid don't like small talk it's weird though

with the kid one when it's like because you know you're going to be there for ten it's like small talk where you want to just be like oh shut the fuck up but you know you're then going to have to see them It's like small talk where you want to just be like, oh, shut the fuck up.

But you know you're then going to have to see them so many mornings for the next, like, how old's Jack? Nearly one. So he's not going to start school for another three years, and it's going to be the same fucking parents. And he's going to be at that school for, what, seven years. Oh, my God, it's ten years of these twats. And some of them are dead nice, and it's not even their fault. And they've not even said anything.

I'm just already sick of their fucking faces morning morning morning good morning morning morning and two of the dads are patreons I was going to say two of the dads are patreons and one one of the patreons and he knows who he is

he's been at live shows he's been at live shows I saw him at the roast I saw him at the roast and he knows who he is. He's been at live shows. He does. He's been at live shows. I saw him at the roast. I saw him at the roast and he's clearly gone, I don't want to deal with this cunt in real life. He's not like, he's a patron of this podcast and every time I see him,

he's like, all right. And that's all he does. I respect him so much now. Oh yeah. And then one of the other patrons is dead friendly. He's done us a bit of merch.

I got him free tickets to the roast. But literally, one of the dads on the school run. Doesn't let on. No, he doesn't let on. If I have to make contact with him to it, all right, mate? And he's like, all right.

He's not arsed. I love him. I've started to really warm to him. He's just, he knows exactly what's going on. We've got to do 10 years of this. Yeah. Some of the mums are like, good morning but yeah also like the nice the nice people it's me being a dick but i'm like if he's a 10 pound patron on a five or three pound patron

he listens to you and me four hours a week he knows everything you've got to say about everything he's got no interest really in having a conversation with you at the school gates what have you been up to, Dan? He already knows what you've been up to because he was listening to it on the way to drop the kid off. He doesn't need to be involved in the conversation. He's got nothing to add to it. He knows what you do.

He knows what you like. He knows everything horrific and great you've ever done. Why would he need to talk to you at the gate? It's great. It's literally... Perfect. There's some of the mums, and Laura hates me

talking about this stuff because she's like hey listen and they'll hear they're all dead nice but I I'm thinking about starting to flirt with

a few of them just to see what happens I've told Laura I'm flirting with a couple not there's a couple you can't flirt with because I think they'd be like

when do you want this to happen but there's there's a couple that are clearly socially awkward and i'm just leaving i'm just leaving i'm not built up to a wink very very slow game i'm like hey morning morning i'm i'm leaning into the morning a little too much my dream is that i slow cook this for the next two or three years to the point where maybe next year when etta's in year one i build up to a little wink and she's like oh i've written my dream is my dream is that one of these mums pulls laura aside and goes i'm so sorry to say this that's his mum but your husband's very flirty so what's the build-up here so for now

it's just a little bit of leaning next year it's a wink year two oh leaning on a lamppost pointing at your car in your pants still don't get it out just like yeah yeah I think that's year 27 Etta has to be held back a lot for my subtle flirting if year 2

is a wink my cock yeah flashing my knob is year 35 your knob's still in your pants you can't get it out you're just pointing at your crotch

do you think that's flirting yeah pointing at your dick no no and then mouthing and mouthing, cock. Do you want cock?

You've got a pussy. Oh my God. Cock. Yeah, you see. That is hard to pass off. Don't we just have a little bit of a flirt? You pointed at your cock.

Is that just a bit of office flirting? Hey, by the way, when Adam finally has kids, about 18 months, I look at, please, if you're in the school room with Adam,

please, when he gets bored, starts threatening people, cock! Cock! How long did it take to build up to cock? Two weeks! Cock! Reception year. Cock!

Pussy! You've got a pussy, I've got a cock. To the deputy head. Cannot wait. Cannot wait. Cannot wait. If you think I can't do small talk, wait till Adam has got kids. Park here now!

Yes! Go to school! Cock! Adam's kids are all getting Ubers to school every day, let's be honest. Yeah. He's not driving to fucking school,

is he? I will. I'm going to be a fucking sick dad, me. And you know it as well. No, I know, but I don't think he's going to be getting up here. Imagine where he's going to school, is he? I will. I'm going to be a fucking sick dad, mate. And you know it as well. No, I know, but I don't think he's going to be getting up here. Imagine where he's going to park.

There'll be like a lollipop lady getting knocked over every year. Mr. Rowe, please stop knocking over the lollipop lady. I have my hazards on, love. Yeah. It's a very big car,

the Audi Q7. She was right outside the school. Best place to park. Cannot wait. You know, the smart, I remember I was always awkward when I was younger and there would be a girl that you might want to smile at on like transport or something. You might want to smile at them.

I've got a story about this. That smile is hard. And I put it to you, have a word, and Paul, what's upset you now? Can you do that smile? Is that you doing your smile? That's so sinister. Do it to the camera.

I mean, that is one down from cock. So I've got a story about this. Go on. So this was a few years ago. Before now, the last time I was single and I was on the tube in London and it was it will have been at like

Covent Garden Station or Leicester Square because I normally stay around there so I've got the train from Houston the underground from Houston to one of them London Main London Central so houston the underground from houston to one of them london main yeah right central so this is so stupid so i was going up the escalator and a girl was coming down the other way and we saw the other smile yeah and then i looked behind and she's now further down and she was

looking back up so i then got on the escalator to go down got all the way to the bottom and was like no this is fucking mental and just went straight back up again because I was like you're chasing a girl around a cheap station

and you can't do that no so I just had a little ride around fucking close to screen imagine her face if you'd have got on and you're like

I knew you were going to Cockfosters she might have been the one in the movie she would have been yeah I followed her and then realised

that it looked a bit weird so I just fucked off and she passed cock cock cock and she's still looking back like she fucking wanted it.

Can you do it? You've got to do it like, is it a bit eyebrows? No, it's got, it's got, isn't it? A little bit eyebrows. That can't actually be yours.

That's it. It's got to be a sort of, that's mental. That's saying hello to the neighbours across the road. That's your neighbour in the post office that you don't really talk to. Can you do the rocks eyebrow? I go a bit coquette. It doesn't matter.

If you smell. No, hang on, hang on. It's got to be a bit of, go on. Down the barrel. Down the barrel. Oh my God. That was enough. Oh, he knows.

Oh! You've got to do eyebrows. You've got to do eyebrows. What do you mean? I think you've got to make it light. You've got to do it. I think it'd be really great, by the way, if the next time you have this opportunity, you keep doing exactly what you're doing now.

So you try it. No, no, no. Give me another go. One more take. One more take. No. That was appalling. Oh, no, no. one more take one more take no no that was appalling oh no no

that was you and a man in a queue for a ticket you're not gonna get Paul I know how much he doesn't wanna do it I know

down the barrel down the barrel down the barrel classic McCaffrey go on you've seen a girl restaurant in Santa oh

wait wait wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Audio listeners, we're all going to feel a little moist in a second. Go. Oh, God. Be still, my beating cock. Oh, my cock. Oh my gosh. Is that a pod?

Have you gone light headed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my prep. It's not good as Paul McCaffrey. Ladies. That's the same smile as if someone's being like weirdly racist and you're like overhearing.

That's the same smile As if someone's being like weirdly racist And you're like over here And you're like That's not acceptable Oh boys We knew it'd be a pleasure And it absolutely was Tell everyone

Very quickly Where they can find like the social media For What's Upset You Now Yourselves as well and I assume it's on all podcast platforms yeah so we've just launched a Patreon

so you can find us however you find that What's Upset You Now Patreon Instagram What's Upset You Now and we're both on Instagram Sean Walsh

Paul McCaffrey and McKedian Paul McCaffrey comedian there we go yes that's it oh and the 15 minute episodes

on the podcast are coming back they're 15 minutes and we have guests we've done Adam we get out Dan and we all have loads of big names we did Mark Lamar

that was cool that's great yeah so it's genuinely like I I don't listen to a lot of podcasts really it's only when I'm in the car but when I'm coming here

it's like a 25 minute journey so I normally listen to two of yours on the way here. It's fucking great. Go and check it out. Dan Nightingale is going on tour at the end of the year. Yeah, dannightingale.com. Come and see me.

It's not till September, but it is starting to sell out. I'm going on tour tomorrow. There are sort of, not a lot, there's no tickets left for the first couple of months, which is lovely. Thanks to you lot for doing that.

But we are adding dates there's extra dates in Birmingham Nottingham Leeds Manchester Chester Brighton

plenty go to my website adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows and you'll see them all I'm going to update it after we finish here some tickets still available

to the half blind date show we're doing on Saturday the 5th in the auditorium theatre at the M&S Arena in Liverpool it's going to be an absolutely massive show we're doing on saturday the 5th uh in the auditorium theater at the m&s arena in liverpool it's going to be an absolutely massive show we've got a big first half of stand-up and guests and in the second half we are doing our version of black date i am still a black what what's it called blind date you just said black date you said black i think you got mixed up with

still a black and blind date there i think in my head i was like, am I going to say Cilla Blacking Up? And then I said Black Date. You are Cilla Blacking Up. That is happening. Yeah, I'm going to be... There's about 150 tickets left. You are going to have to be quick because they are going to go. Yeah.

So, also, if you'd like to be a contestant and you fancy a little bit of Adam Rowe, Finlay Cupboard Love, or Steve, or Jamie Hutchinson, please apply. Or Lauren Patterson we need some more men we do not need any more men

loads of men fucking hell lads yeah yeah yeah we have a lot of choice of men it would be great so yeah tickets still available

it's going to be an absolute one off and a cork and if you are a contestant you get to see my infamous cock chat up line up close pussy

go ahead go ahead me gone me gone baffley show