Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #162 with Sean McLoughlin - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

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Disgusting! Wag wag, lids. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word.

Go, Ed. Get on me. I've got a new philosophy. No, babes. No. What? Yeah. Has it changed everything? No, but it's changed something. You have been more spiritual recently.

I've decided I've got a new rule for how I make every decision in life. Uh-oh. Do you want to know what it is? Oh, God. Every business decision? No. Well, maybe.

Uh-oh. So the idea is I make a decision based on what would make the best story in five years' time. So, like, if we get to the end of it like a night if we get like midnight and you're like how should we go home or whatever and i'm like well we could go for one more drink and then we'd always go for one more drink because the answer is you'd rather go for the story that's going to be better in five years time like no one's going to remember the night we

went home at 12 o'clock but we might remember the night we went for one more drink and then ended up out with hulk hogan and one of the Chuckle Brothers. What if you get stabbed, though, when you go out? What? What happens if you get stabbed? That is another story, though. As long as you survive the stabbing. Yeah.

It's still a better story. It's still a story for the people that survived the stabbing and Adam's dead. Do you remember five years ago when Adam got stabbed? God, should have got that fucking Uber. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're basically saying your new philosophy is at any fork in the road you take

the stupid road of like no the more interesting road right so that's always staying out yeah I'd rather be on an A road

that bends than a fork on motorway cool but you realise that every decision will be yes and with alcohol is him in the family

well yeah that was just mine if a guy goes do you want to suck my dick you're gonna be like well it's gonna make a hell of a story in five years time so five years time adam's doing a tour show oh there was this one time and a guy went do you want to suck my dick and i went nah mate i'm going home shit story when you chow down like a fucking champ i'm honestly a big finish okay i'm not gonna lie it appears there's at least one floor Nah, mate, I'm going home. Shit story. When you chow down like a fucking champ, I'm honestly a big finish. Okay, I'm not going to lie.

It appears there's at least one flaw. But not all philosophy is robust. What have you been eating today, you? Had a bacon, buddy. With mescaline in. Right. Well, I'm into it. I'm into it. It's interesting. and with that in mind hello hello this is where we're actually going um so last week i was on uh six days ago i was

on tour in leeds right and as you know i've got really into me country music over the past year or so i know i tell you what if there's ever a country musical i'll murder you that's how that's gonna go down and then carl your best friend well no i have a weird country musical i'm out we've already got a guitar do you want to start a podcast yeah i sell my shit i'm gone i'm out nice i'm out i'm like deborah out we've been studio two i'm like i remember when i was sucking on a dick five years ago i remember it was such a big old dick and i thought what would make an interesting story no it's not it's it's what bo burnham said isn't it's too it's what Bo Burnham said Isn't it It's two It's big dick Five years ago Big dick Okay

But I like it There's one particular country artist I've really got into Called Luke Combs And I'm actually gonna fly to Canada To see him in November What are you laughing at My life is

On your own Hard target Now I'm gonna take hard jack Oh yeah Lad I'm sorry Go on What has this podcast done why two lads from dovey going to canada to watch a fucking country western artist it's not it's almost western it's not

a movie star it's country music country westerns the film all right oh you fucking i'm so sorry you're right it is different wow so country music taking your jack no country and westerns music no

yeah but that's just country music see if you would involve just apologise just apologise you horrible country musical red

y'all are fucking red erm I was just a boy from Dovecot Took my brother on a plane I met a man in Canada And sucked him off the same

He jizzed into my mouth I said that's fucking alright Liz Go on One more Now I'm out of any words Cause I've fucked up the ad lib You know what yeah I'll give you that Alright Oh cheers Cheers And now I'm out of any words because I've fucked up the ad lib. You know what?

Yeah, I'll give you that. All right. Four stars. Oh, cheers, lad. Cheers, lad. So here's what happened, right? Thomas Green come and met us here on Thursday last week. We recorded with Paddy the Baddy.

And then Thomas, as anyone who's seen last week's episode will know, I was still drunk from the night before. Yeah. So I drove us halfway to Leeds and then had to pull into a service station and give thomas my keys because i realized i was gonna kill us you you were dry i thought you were driving oh no no no it was my birthday dan oh of course it was i wasn't oh i last week there was three things going on there's one where you're like oh it's really funny when he's sort of still pissed from the Oh, I... Last week, there was three things going on. There's one where you're like,

oh, it's really funny when he's sort of still pissed from the night before. And then it teetered on to, it's kind of annoying when he's pissed on the night before. And then there was also, oh, I hope he's all right. I did the full range of like, ah, this is usually great. Wow, he's really like... And I can tell you really respect Paddy. And at the break, in the first section, you came back

and I can tell you'd have to have a word with yourself. Like, right, here we go. Here we go. So the thing is about you fighting. Guess what, Adam? You picked the wrong show to get hammered before because I don't know shit. So Cody Covington and Francis Ngarno.

When's that happening, Paddy? I'm going to UFC. Get it up, me bollocks. I, Cody Covington and Francis Ngarno. When's that happening, Paddy? I'm going to UFC. Get it up me bollocks. I love Cody Covington, though. He's so good, isn't he? You invented him. Is he good? He is.

He's one of the best fly heavyweights going. No, because he's fast, but he's heavy. He's a fly heavyweight. Like Cyril Gann. Cyril Gann? He's got nice clothes. He's a fly heavyweight like cyril gan cyril gan yeah he's got nice clothes i love my heavyweight cyril gan there's a new one for the lexicon love it uh yeah you were you were a bit ropey there kid yeah so i got halfway to leeds and realized that

i was i was definitely gonna crash the car if i carried on so i gave thomas my keys and said you're driving for the rest of the night we're both fully comp And it's all insured And whatever Just in case Just in case anyone's listening Alright Aviva Back down So

So Tom My rule in my car Is it's my car I'm putting the fucking music on So Thomas likes death metal But that's not fucking happening You know what I mean Does he

Yeah he's a metal guy Absolutely not happening So I And country music's great For a hangover Because it's really soft. So I have my country music on. Anyway, right, park that idea for a minute.

Okay. So in Leeds last week, I did the longest post-show meet and greet I've ever done. The wardrobe? Yeah. Nice. So I did the show at the wardrobe, completely sold out.

I've never sold that room out before thanks to this wonderful podcast we're doing three dates there the third date is on sale now the first one's already done second one's already sold out and i think there's about 100 tickets left for the third one um i love that venue it's really good for an hour of stand-up it's really really good um get to see my old pal toby jones yep so i you go backstage and i just said to the audience as i do at the end of every tour show look if anyone wants to stick around for about 20 minutes i'll take a picture with you but if you want to go on that's fine but i i need 20 minutes now when i finish the show so is that like you because i'm doing this tour you're doing you've done this

before in my head you leave it a little bit so you don't just stay on stage and everyone goes, oh, fuck it while he's here. 20 minutes to just let the people who aren't that bothered just go home. So you're just getting out, you're getting the hardcore. That's maybe 1% of it.

Right. But I'm quite happy to take a picture with everyone who comes to see me and I genuinely mean that. I know we've sort of had a laugh last week with Paddy on

and talking about like people being dicks when they're asking for pictures and whatever. Different at your show though, isn't it? Yeah. If you pay for the ticket to see me,

I absolutely want to say hello and take a picture with as many people who want it. But yeah, if you know, if the people who aren't really asked go home, it's not the end of the world. Do you know what I mean? But the 20 minutes,

I just need to relax. When I've put, done an hour on stage, I haven't really got it in me to then go straight into a crowd of people who are grabbing me and taking pictures. I just haven't, I need to just tone down a bit have a have a glass of coke or a bottle of water or a cup of tea or something and then i'll go back out and speak to people so i've done

that and as you're saying like oh well a lot of them will have got off a lot less than would normally have got off had got off because the bar upstairs in the wardrobe was staying open until 11 or midnight. And the show started at half seven, so it was done by 10, maybe half nine even. So I go upstairs and there's at least 100 people waiting. So I'm going from person to person to person. I've just got a bottle of water and Thomas is doing the same.

Thomas is sort of two groups of people behind me. So someone deals with me. And then two minutes later, they're talking to Thomas. And he's talking to everyone as well. And then Thomas. Because he loved, didn't he? That episode was so popular. Yeah, and he's also smashing it on the tour.

He's doing really well. So I'm just walking around. And Thomas comes up to me and goes, should we have one pint? I said, yeah. I went and get me a shandy, a Lagator. So I ended up having two. But those two shandies took me till midnight to drink because there was so many people around.

We got talking to, this girl comes over and she's there with her fella. I said, can I get a picture? She goes, my fella's sister loves you and she's gone to the toilet and it'll do it if can i get a picture she goes my uh my my fella's sister loves you and she's gone to toilet and it'll do it i don't know if we've got a picture or whatever and then the sister comes over and we got talking and the brother and his missus were definitely trying to pimp his sister out to fuck me and get me to fuck her that was happening it there was no subtlety to it it was like fuck each other it was

well I was like I can't I've got to take Thomas back to Liverpool but I stayed with them all night they were really funny they're all actually coming again to see me in London as well

nice because one of them lives down there but we're having a really good laugh they were nice people so then the lights go on I didn't realise but it took so long that like

last orders is done and they're closed in the bar and we go outside and the girl the girl had been sort of so long that like last orders is done and they're closed in the bar and we go outside and uh the girl the girl had been sort of that they were trying to push me towards she's dead sound name's jemma she goes oh by the way um i run a vintage american sportwear shop in leeds i went yeah it's called blue collar it's called blue collar boys oh my god they've just been in I went, yeah. Is it called Blue Collar? It's called Blue Collar Boys.

Oh my God, they've just been in touch with me on Instagram about a month ago and went, oh, we want to send you some stuff. Yeah, and she said you blanked her. Mate, I've been meaning to send, I got back in touch and then I've not sent my size. Large. So, Raidersiders Browns Saints

Pittsburgh Steelers so the reason I brought up the country music thing before Dolphins is for me Blue Collar Boys

is one of my favourite Luke Combs songs well I know it I know and it is named after it you love it don't you but listen to this full circle

I know you don't believe in like angels and spirits but the last song that was playing as we arrived at the place was Blue Collar Boys, which is impossible because he never listens to it. I know he does. He listens to it all the time. I think it's Anro looking down going,

God, my Adam loves, you know, second-hand American sports wear and this song. But then the girl who runs the shop goes, if you're ever back in Leeds Come to the shop Or I could just let you in now And you can have first dibs on all the new stuff we've got in Shut the fuck up

I'll be playing Leeds on October the 6th And October the 20th And rate No Oh you fucking Michigan Michigan State And rate. No. Oh, you fucking. Michigan. Michigan State.

Oh, my God. You fucking rat. It says me gone if you look at it from here. Michigan. Michigan. I'll doubt what we do. Oh, no. That's the call. Oh, Jesus. it oh jesus oh fucking nice so i followed them on instagram and then never got back to her it is so i took loads of pictures there it honestly it's like a porn store there's so much good stuff i

could have spent so much money in there i got this I got you that I tried to get some dolphins thing for him I tried to get a vikings thing for him I tried to get something else for Steve but I was like do you know what

we need to just go back and pick stuff when today yeah we're doing podcast oh yeah fuck's sake

what I was doing how cool is this twice a week vintage Michigan State uni yeah you're on twice a week, aren't you? Then we'll do my actual job. Jim Harbour's Michigan State.

Yeah. Do you know their ground? Could you just look up the Michigan State stadium? Because I think it's 120,000 capacity. It's one of the biggest in the world. University? Yeah. They get more.

Do you not know about the college football? No way. I know it's big, but I didn't think it was fucking 120K. 75K. Still, I mean, the record attendance is 80. Oh, okay.

I'm disappointed. It's still a lot of people to go. I thought there was more at Michigan. They don't have children. Just 75,000. Some of them are like 24. As big as national fucking stadiums. Yeah.

People play like college football, so they're like 24. I think you've got five years. You've got five years. From 18? 18, 19, yeah. I don't know the rules exactly, but there's a minimum they have to do,

and there's also like a max they can do. But before they can go pro. So yeah, like... And it's a big controversy that never really gets there's also like a max they can do. But before they can go pro. So yeah, like... And it's a big controversy that never really gets talked about. It just gets stumbed. But they can't be paid. If you're a college athlete,

you do not get paid to play in those games with 80,000 people watching. However, there was a change a year or two ago. They can now get image rights. Right. Because they were about to get... It was about to get, it was about to get overhauled completely because say Michigan State,

who are one of the sort of big 15, like universities, maybe 20, maybe 10, 15, quite historic. They're in the same division as Ohio State, which are one of the, Buckeyes are one of the best. And Jim Harbaugh is on a contract.

He's the coach. He came from, do you remember when the 49ers were in the Super Bowl about 10 years ago with Kaepernick, who went on to take the knee against the flag and against police brutality? He was his head coach. Quite a groundbreaking coach, bit of a divisive character. He's on about $10 million a year at Michigan State.

Like, it's huge, huge levels of coaching contracts at the biggest university. Yeah, I think it was, yeah. And then the players for years have just not been allowed to, is it the NCAA, if they get involved, if there's any bribery

or any kickbacks or any like, cool, maybe we'll buy you a car. They can ban you from college football and like take away the first however many years of your professional career it's dodgy as fuck whereas say if you're a young lad in the premier league what how old was cess fabregas when he won a fucking premier league medal i think he was 16 wasn't he like if you're good enough at 17 and you're in the first

team i know it there's i know they're not giving you 150 grand straight away but those lads who are premier league starlets they're on 30 grand aren't they away but those lads who are Premier League starlets they're on 30 grand aren't they? They're on 40 grand. I know Mason Greenwood's a terrible example but those lads

who are in the first team and banging goals in at 18 will probably be on... I wonder what Harvey Elliot's on at the minute. Google Harvey Elliot Liverpool wage. 50?

40? No, no, no. He's 18. I reckon 22 at the minute. And it'll be... But they had to... He must be worth...

15 grand a week. Right. But I mean, he's probably months away. Even Curtis Jones as well is on 15. But isn't he... He must be months away from a new contract, Harvey Ellivet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they don't... Those young lads, they don't wait till the contract's done, don't they? They don't go, well, you signed 15. They can't like... When Rashford was coming through, he gets every year and a half,

they're like, right, you've moved up. Yeah, because his weight's going up, isn't it? So they need to... And also, they just know that... So clubs have a lot less negotiating power in transfer dealings with other clubs if their player's on a low wage. So, like, let's say Harvey Elliott.

Like, he's already actually turned down Real Madrid to come to Liverpool. It's actually quite cute, the story. So like, let's say Harvey Elliott, like, he's already actually turned down Real Madrid to come to Liverpool. It's actually quite cute, the story. So when he was at Fulham, there was three clubs interested in signing him, which was,

I believe, Man United, and he was just like, no, because he's a lifelong Liverpool fan. Real Madrid and Liverpool.

They were the three clubs after Harvey Elliott. That means you're very good at 16, doesn't it? Or was he 15? 15, 16. But that's literally a kid, right? And he got sent to the Bernabeu, got given a full tour of the Bernabeu by, doesn't it? Was he 15? 15, 16. But that's literally a kid,

right? And he got sent to the Bernabeu, got given a full tour of the Bernabeu by, is it Perez? Is it Florentino Perez? Florentino Perez, yeah. And he was like, so do you want to sign for Real Madrid?

And he went, no, I don't like what Sergio Ramos did to Mo Salah in the Champions League final, so I don't want to play here. But just took the tour. And he turned them down based on the very deliberate foul

great tackle yeah from a defender's point of view it was but horrific from a Liverpool fan's point of view you know when these kids go wrong you're like

what do you expect you've got Florentino Perez a fucking multi-millionaire one of the giants of sort of like Spanish football showing you around

sucking up to you going do you wanna hey this is where, you know, all the Galacticos played. You'll be a potential future lender. And you're 16, 15, 16 years old and your mam's like following you around going, Harvey, you're right.

Would you like it? You like paella? What do you think? Because they're buying us a fucking villa, Harvey. No, no, mam. I want to go to fucking Crosby. But if he's on 15 grand a week at the minute

and Real Madrid come in now say or Barcelona or a big club come in and go we'll give you 15 million for them and Liverpool go

no he's a 100 million pound player already then they go so why is he on 15 grand a week and then he can go well why am I on

15 grand a week but you're on 100 million for me fair enough so that's why they give them more money yeah

which is fair yeah yeah I know these kids go wrong a lot of them but if you look at how many of these young lads have this level of money influence fame and whatever i i know what happened with mason greenwood is fucking horrific and everything but it's almost a surprise that more of these lads aren't off the fucking rails because the amount of responsibility on their shoulders and the money and the like it's incredible that only a few of them go fucking wrong and i'm not i'm not that's that sounds like i'm being really flippant about what happened with mason greenwood it was horrific but this is so it's such a weird state of affairs

for a 16 year old 17 year old 17-year-old to have men, like grown working class men in a stand going, fucking Harvard! It's got to be something to do with man management. It's a very, very difficult part of the, not that we're going to go into too much detail about it, because it would be libelous, and I imagine there's a court case coming,

but like with the rumours and the allegations and the allegedly against Mason Greenwood, it's a very difficult part of that conversation to have because to bring up the idea of, oh, these guys are treated like royalty, so of course he's going to feel entitled and of course some of them are going to end up abusive like that, seems very dismissive of a victim's very real trauma and what they've gone through but it isn't it's

these problems don't get solved without having difficult parts of the conversation and the fact that these lads from the age of 15 16 are worshipped by 80 000 or 50 or 60 000 people that is contributing to this entitlement that is very apparent and obvious in those alleged recordings of that particular footballer. But there's not many of them doing it. And the abuse is maybe the wrong thing. Yeah, but we don't even know that for sure.

There's a lot of very high-powered lawyers involved. Like this clip from Greenwood was never meant to see the light of day do you know what i mean someone's leaked it well there's chat that she was hacked and then allegedly it was leaked on her instagram like like look we really can't we're getting into really dicey no no you can't we can't talk about maybe maybe it's easier to talk about he's an absolute scumbag and there is no excuse for it but just because there isn't an excuse for it doesn't mean there aren't contributing factors to it.

And that's the conversation that needs to be had. And that's the conversation that you can't have on Twitter because Twitter is very polarizing. And there's one side of Twitter where it's like, you know, he's scum. It doesn't matter the way he's come through and whatever. And that's absolutely right. It doesn't matter that he's worshipped every week.

That doesn't entitle him to do and behave the way he is. But that doesn't mean that that isn't contributing to that and that is a conversation that a lot of people are not quite ready to have and these football clubs work really really hard on on on this don't they from a young age the more potential you have the more focus there is on their like their responsibilities their home life they do. You don't see any of this, but these young lads are managed and coached and developed. They have financial advisors. They have people looking after them.

They're getting lessons from their employee that most 16-, 17-year-old fucking apprentices or A-level students are in a childlike dream compared to them. They're getting told. That's why clubs want them in a relationship, don't they? They lean on them. You see footballers having kids at 22, 21, and it's almost standard fare.

The football clubs are leaning on them to settle down because the home life gives them stability. I honestly think a 25-year-old football player, in many ways that they have to live their life, is so much more mature than your average British 25 25 year old lad i don't know mature in some senses of like financial ability and house but in terms of i mean we street like being streetwise but in terms of like not know how the world works probably not well yeah i mean i mean look at molly may i know she's not a footballer but she's so just like just like attached and it's a May I know she's not a footballer but she's so like attached into the world

because she's just been shown oh you're amazing she doesn't know what the world is anymore but Molly May is also stupid and that's not her fault

no that's what I mean it's just what she's thick as fuck do we not want Molly May on she can come on if she wants

but I'll tell her to her face she's thick as fuck she's an idiot and that's not her fault she isn't intelligent what are we doing what do you mean

what are we doing what's just happened here he's brought Molly May up as a good I thought we were getting Molly May on how are we gonna have you got her number

I thought you mean Paddy the Paddy's mate from the UFC no oh my god you absolute moron that's Molly McCann right I honestly thought You mean Paddy the Baddies mate from the UFC? No! Oh, my God. You absolute moron. That's Molly McCann.

Right. I honestly thought we were talking about... Molly May is a girl from Love Island who said a couple of... We were talking sport, and I honestly thought you started talking about the female UFC fighter. Can you put two photographs in here, side by side, of me for Molly McCann and Molly May

and show who Dan has just got confused do you think it was the visual that confused me though Adam look just go back to that last one go back to that last one Finn look she fights in the UFC regularly she is oh because that's the mistake I made

she's fighting for the belt you fucking pranic I meant I honestly thought we'd gone from sports people and you were talking about and i was like why are we talking about hard as nails ufc fighter that we definitely want on are you sure you want to say that yeah i'll call a fucking stupid

adam's gonna get banged out on the podcast they are the opposite one of them is salt of the earth everybody yeah but they're not the opposite fucking name are they yeah cool cool nice one oh my god i like i know we go past the line sometimes i was like i honestly don't know what's happening i'm gonna get my business partner fucking ko'd right cool yeah molly may yeah did you see what happened with molly may i thought we wanted to get her did you see what happened with mo May? I thought we wanted to get her on. Did you see what happened with Molly May? So this is old news now. And it's only because it's come up in the conversation. She did an interview where she said,

everyone's got the same 24 hours in the day. And basically, if you're poor, you're not working hard enough. So Carl brought that up because he's talking about the fact that there's young people who are very successful and don't have the maturity of normal life. But she's not had the same training that young footballers have had. If anything, it proves my point. She's got a publicist, though. Yeah, okay, but not from the age of 16.

She's not been, she's had... What? Okay, no, but I get it. But, like, these footballers are part of an institution that guides them. And to be fair, when it comes to abuse, that's a separate thing. But I'm just talking about in the NFL, there was a cornerback called Eli Apple that we all watched in the Super Bowl, plays for the Bengals.

And he was a first-round cornerback. He got picked by, I think, New York, the Giants. And they got criticized within a season for it because they were like yeah he's a fucking idiot he's an absolute idiot and it was in all of the scouting they did maturity and like how sensible they are is part of the thing that some nfo franchises look for they don't talented fast incredible twitch really good player at the position what are they like off the field he's so thick. He'd been relying on his mum for all of his cutlery, his washing, his washing up. He'd not done anything. He'd not done any clothes washing and gets moved to New

York and was wearing clothes one time and wasn't putting them in the laundry. He was just putting them in a bin and then going out to buy new clothes i just hadn't he had no idea how to live and was just constantly like ringing people at the giants going i don't know how to do this thing and they were like oh my god we've we've employed a talented nine-year-old like so have we yeah when he chooses to be but i mean this this kid and he's bounced around yeah that's can't say much about that no okay i've just bought new clothes instead of buying instead of washing old ones i have got halfway through the edinburgh fringe before i realized i haven't washed anything and then just gone on both 14 new t-shirts and 14 new pairs of undies

you need honestly the way you like i know molly may sounds like a fucking horrible snitchy tori but you need i'm gone you oh no oh no no i didn't say paddy mcginnis um anyway so just no i just needed success like the the way you live you it's great you're getting it and And this is only the start, but it's sort of necessary because you've got a little bit of a, you know. You told me about the piece of furniture that nearly went to the hammer yesterday. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So yesterday I built two Billy bookcases and I put the back of one of them on the wrong way. It's got 27 nails in the back to keep it on. So you cannot take them off. 27? And then I literally flipped it around. I was like, oh, I put it on the wrong way. I nearly...

I nearly broke it and just went and bought a new one. I would love to see the recording of you go 26, 27. Lovely. Look at that, R-Jack. Fuck! That is not far from what actually happened. Go proper Molly May on them. I went, no!

And Jack went, what? I went, look, it's the fucking wrong way around. And he's like, right, we'll try and get it out. It was impossible to get it out, so I've come to the conclusion I'm just going to paint it. That's the thing, so they just paint it white. What are you laughing at? Just have it brown.

I'll put a picture in here. It looks ridiculous. Like cardboard brown. Would have been great to see you kick the fuck out of a Billy Buck case, though. It looks ridiculous. Oh, is it like chipboard? Like cardboard brown. Oh, right, okay. Would have been great to see you kick the fuck out of a Billy Buck case, though. I just want to say, we've just done... Proper Martin McGuinness.

American sports financial problems. Mason Greenwood, Molly May, and the maturity of overhyped 20-year-olds. And it all started with... This is a nice jacket, isn't it? Blue collar boys. 20 year olds and it all started with this is a nice jacket isn't it blue collar boys just live my life

I live my life a little different give them a shout out so follow them on Instagram they are vintage by blue collar boys and if you like your American sportswear

they've got some really really good stuff and they let me in at midnight on a Friday morning I was like a pig and shit in there Thomas Green and Adam Rowe and they let me in at midnight on a Friday morning. What morning? I was like a pig of shit in there. Thomas Green and Adam Rowell like fucking Kanye and Kim indulging Gabbana.

Nice. Shoopib. Shoopib. Do you want to have a break? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do, won't I? That's nice. It's a short section for us, but come on.

Why not? Call it what it is. Just do whatever we want to do nice it's a short section for us but come on call it what it is do whatever we want to do it's our podcast fuck off quality ladies and gentlemen it is time to let you know

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You've also got the weed whacker for your nose hair because ladies do not like a hairy fucking nose. You also get extra gifts. There's like a shed travel bag, which was really nice. Anti-chafe like, what are these? Boxers by Manscaped. The boxes are amazing. I actually personally

love the ball deodorant and the toner as well. He does. And they've smelled better ever since he started using it. My balls smell fucking lovely, mate. Well, no, the guests comment. Look, treat your missus to getting you one of these shavers. Your dick will look better. Your dick will look bigger.

And honestly, she's going to want to touch it more because no one wants to touch a messy little pubic region. You've got like leftover cum in it. god god no really is that an issue is that the issue go to manscape.com for our exclusive offer of 20% off plus free shipping with the code word20 what's the code adam code is word20 shave your balls make your woman think you're great come in your pubes no problem sometimes have a wash first there's only so much shampoo can do yeah get the lawnmower 4.0 hack away it is actually the best thing I own. It is. 100%. Every day. You like the cigar, don't you? Should we get cigars for Paul Smith's wedding?

Some Cubans. I think I might be sicky sick, though, because I'm planning to get really drunk. Yeah, let's have some Cuban cigars, though. Last time I did that, because, you know, it's all fun and games, isn't it? Until you realise you don't really smoke cigars. And then I I just

I sort of whited a bit I had two fucking absolute belters that time in London I've been asked to be master

of ceremonies at Paul's wedding got a host today it's two for two isn't it yeah best man yeah

at the first one it's gonna be really funny hosting hang on were you best man at the first one me and Paul Blair

were both best man at the first one and there Paul Blair were both best man at the first one and there was no other groomsman but this time he's got like seven groomsmen Paul Blair is best man and I'm master of ceremonies

it's going to be really funny because I'm going to host it like I'm comparing a gig I'm going to be like who's been to one of Paul's weddings before nice don't chop your gums off now you've never been before

shout out by the way, Evan, I've just cut ties with Megafon, the Russian company, so I have too. It does just look like you've gone, I want to be captain. No, I do not. I'm captain of the podcast.

We stand with the Ukraine, don't we? So I cut my Megafon ties. I apologise for the first section of you seeing. If it kicks off properly and England get involved, are you going to join the front line with the Tyson Fury boys? Oh, 100%, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can't wait. All of the different weights of boxing, all the fly heavyweights, I'll be in there with them. Why? Just because the Klitschko's are Ukrainian

doesn't mean every boxer has to be like, I'll fight on the front line. No, but there's mutual respect between boxers and the Klitschko's, isn't there? Like, they all respect them,

so they're like, if you're fighting we're fighting let's be brothers in arms right cool well I respect you and if you go to the front line near Kiev

I'll be in Sorgel no I'm going to just podcast I've said from the start I'll be good morning Vietnam good morning Kiev good morning Kiev

why would you be in Kiev I won't be in Kiev he's going to be the podcast he's going to be the podcast from here. They'll start the internet over there, won't they? Not for long. Ray, I'll tell you what. No, but the internet's plumbed in.

You can't bomb the internet. The internet's plumbed in. Turn it off, though, can't they? You can't bomb the internet. Fact. It's in the air. Have you researched it? Show me your findings.

You haven't got none? Shut up, then. Arguments with Adam Rowe. Right. And also, even if i went do you know actually i have been studying uh the internet being plumbed in your butt you're a fucking taurine there's no winning you can't win you can't win you good luck the future mrs rowe it's not gonna be easy i'm actually a fucking delight to be in a relationship with i'm wonderful and i'm very very very good at acknowledging when I'm wrong if it ever happens

I know you think you are is the most passive aggressive thing I know you think you are oh yeah first time at Paul's this is first time for me at Paul's wedding number two for me I've gone up the gears we had a bit of a heart to heart recently

to sort of admit that I'd been a bit of a heart to heart recently right to sort of admit that I'd been a bit dismissive of him when he started out which is not a nice conversation to have when he basically went I really cared about

your opinion and I didn't think you gave a fuck about me and I was like I'll be honest the first seven or eight years of me being a comic I was an arrogant little shit

and I was quite dismissive of a lot of people was this at my birthday yeah we were all bevved up he told me about this actually yeah yeah and it was

that's not wrong with that that was quite mature good way to deal with it I knew soon after that I just had a it's funny talking about those

lads who play football comedy was too easy for me early doors and I thought I was fucking great and I really lacked humility

I turned professional at 23, 24 there must be parallels that you start out and you're like I'm fucking great and i really lacked humility i turned professional at 23 24 this there must be parallels that you start out you're like i'm fucking great and then the when you get a little bit older you're like ah i'm more i was just more generous and considerate like i was pretty brutal for deciding who was doing shite comedy and i look back at the absolute dog shit i was doing i hate my first three or four years of comedy i would cringe watching the stuff that you should hate your old stuff though i think that's a sign

that you're developing as a comic hating your old but my stuff 10 years ago i thought it was good comic like i don't want to do it loads yeah i got bored of it but um i was i was a bit dismissive and we had a heart-to-heart where he was like yeah i noticed it and i knew it and it sort of hurt my feelings i was like i'm gutted and I knew it and it sort of hurt my feelings and I was like I'm gutted that that's the case and that's not because of Paul's success

that's because he's an excellent comic if he'd had no success and he was an excellent comic I'd still be gutted very underrated comic I think Paul for all the success he's got

I think amongst comedians he's seen as that guy who does crowd work and who's got lucky and they've never actually seen him put an hour together fucking hell just stand in the room

and watch him work and also he's one of our mates and because he's back on soon because I've been April I think because I'm close with you he and I are in each other's world

a little bit more and you're like yeah that was great his birthday we had a fucking it's been a long time since we had him on last time we had him on was with Lars wasn't it

and he messaged me because they're about to start kickstart their their podcast together and he asked could he come back on i was like of course you can i love i love laura she's grateful she's really good laura loves as well because she's just got that thing that she's got you know she's a smart woman she very successful in everything, but she's also got that thing where she's just a little less filter than I think a lot of, like, Laura, I know, my sister, a lot of the women in my life are very high filter, like, oh, my God, what if that person thinks that? And I like how Laura's just like, ah, fuck that.

Go fuck yourself. She's got a nice level of that. She's got a bit of balls. Did you see that she opened for him in Birmingham last week? What? She gave it a bit of balls. Did you see that she opened for him in Birmingham last week? What? She gave it a go. She did her first ever gig at the OTA Academy in Birmingham. I think she's only getting

that because she's shagging him. Maybe the first to see it. I'm very, hey, listen, I'm very pro-women in comedy, but she slept away into the position there. I'm saying, fuck. How long did she do position I don't know yeah she did a set

love her I think it's great ballsy so Laura tour starts in September let's tighten that set up because these fucking tour supports

cost money hey oh that's going to be where where's that that's on the little it's down in Devon isn't it we're down in Devon for that I've got back to back wedding weeks Oh that's going to be Where's that down That's on those little It's down in Devon isn't it

We're down in Devon for that I've got Back to back wedding weeks I'm really excited I'm doing that And the week after I'm going to Greece Oh you've got to like them

For the foreign wedding Haven't you It's me cousin Yeah you do No no no Dolly is engaged She'll get married in a few years I think

This is Tom Shout out if you're playing Sorry mate I interrupted you If you're playing Random characters No, no, no. Dolly is engaged. She'll get married in a few years, I think. This is Tom. Shout out if you're playing... Sorry, mate, I interrupted you. If you're playing random characters from our lives, bingo. Dolly is like third tier. Like every couple of months, there'll be a Dolly. A Dolly reference. Like weird, like minor name celebrity.

I've seen a lot of our Dolly recently just because we've had some family stuff going on. And obviously I've had some personal stuff going on and obviously i've had some personal stuff going on which is well documented and uh i've just seen quite a bit of her and her fiance luke and i love luke and it sort of drives dolly mad how much me and luke get on that's good though because obviously she's a woman and he's a man and i tend to be on his side in most arguments so if i'm in the house and they kick off she looks to me like you're my cousin slash basically my brother you're on my side aren't arguments. So if I'm in the house and they kick off, she looks to me like, you're my cousin slash basically my brother.

You're on my side, aren't you? And I'm like, no, no, no. He's 100% right. And you're being a lunatic. But I'm going to my cousin Tom's wedding. So Tom is the lad. Tom-o! Tommy.

Weirdly, when we were kids, I never knew Tom. That's it, Tommy. Because he's my dad's older brother's son. So he's a few years older than me. And he lived on the widow growing up because one of my dad's brothers did's son so he's a few years older than me and we just and he lived on the widow growing up because that's one of my dad's brothers did quite well and moved to the widow when he was young um might as well be fucking international over the water but i became i became

really good mates with tom when i first started gigging in london because he lived down there and he was like if you have any somewhere to stay you can stay with me and me missus sally and uh i just got to know them by I met Tom in his flat in London because he was like we got talking online he was like do you need somewhere

to stay come and stay in ours and then every time I went to London I would stay in theirs nice oh to have a cousin in London

oh it was great that's not a bad shout is it in Hampstead where my mate Matt got given a fucking flat oh man

that's too good matthew reese had a fucking navy paid for house on portobello road jesus christ the sadness when he was like i'm going back to portsmouth i was like oh no okay bye yeah that's sweet oh well good man and how many how many invited? I don't know. I'm going to book my flight later today, actually, at my hotel. I've looked at the hotel they're getting married in because that'd be ideal, but I'm going to stay nearby.

Do you know what? In the past, when we've talked about people like, well, it'd be a great patron, especially if you did a life swap. I'm up for it now. Or just now. No, last... Hey, no.

If you want to just do a week or two, we'll record it for Patreon. You can come and hang out with the Famalab. As long as I get to parent how I want to parent. Well, I don't get to parent how I want to parent. Well, then I'm not doing it. No, that's not what being in a marriage is about. But I'm not married to Laura.

In a wife swap, you can't just be like, listen. But I don't have to deal with the consequences, and I know that. So I can just be like, shut up. We're doing it this way. You have to pretend to be in a relationship. Like, listen, mouth, I'm doing it this way. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, God, this lifestyle's going to be forever. And we want to swap back. I'm sorry. Adam died in my life. I'm now in his life. And my tour's three times bigger. Just saying.

I'm just going to go to Greece. I'm just going to get your house in order. I'm going to go to Greece. I'm going to go shopping at midnight in a fucking shop. I'm going to go to Greece go get my house in order. Fuck you. I could. You can't listen. Try. You can do it. Give it a go. There's no way

I should have shit myself that third time. Five in a row. Exactly. The second one, I'd have been that enough now. If I came back from the wife's shop and you'd got one piece of artwork on the walls, I'd be so impressed. I'd just put it up I'd be like

look there's holes in the walls now there's holes in the walls so if you take the picture down it's going to look so shit fucked just come back

and it's like Hogwarts a lot of decrees from the ministry should we do some questions? Sure. Wag wag lids. This is from Richard Peel. Old school.

Oh, gee, Richard Peel. Middle name Orange. No, wait. Hang on. Richard Orange Peel. Fucking old car. Brother of John. Lucky.

Lucky we've got him. Is he not just doing a joke? Is that not Dick Peel joke is that not dick peel they're not talking about foreskin oh well I mean if he isn't that's shit I've never heard the phrase dick peel

have you not get your dick peel out have you never heard that as my is your dick peeling is that a dick peel no get your dick peel out

have you never heard that how often do you hear that from who who's going like which aggressive Scouse women have wanted to suck my dick by going,

get your dick peel out? Oh my God. That was Paul Smith's first wedding. Get your dick peel out. Richard Peel says, I mean, if it's a bit, he's committed to it

because he's been emailing in and I think he's a patron under the name Richard Peel. And we've read his emails before and never made the reference he's like long term though this is going to be for 14 great Dick Peel seconds

for the 10,000 patron special which we're not really doing we're already at 10,500 so you should go to Aintree for the Grand National Meeting and take Jamie Hutchinson

as tipster two grand each to spend on the nags or go to the Catino. Said it wrong. Casino and test Adam's roulette theory.

Cheers, boys. Keep up the good work. I mean, the roulette thing isn't a theory. It's statistical guaranteed. Didn't we find out that someone had committed to it for like six rounds and then bottled it at seven? Yeah, someone's in my Instagram DMs

losing money as we spoke. Yeah, that's their fault for being fucking stupid money as we spoke. I was like, yeah, that's their fault for being fucking stupid and not committing to the system. It does work. It's infallible. Literally infallible.

As long as you've got the collateral. Unlimited collateral to do it. Yeah, yeah. But we did say that. So why haven't you done it?

Because I haven't got unlimited collateral. You're doing all right. But I haven't got unlimited collateral. Hey, pack coffee. Yeah Because I haven't got unlimited collateral. You do not. But I haven't got unlimited collateral. Hey, pack coffee. Yeah. I haven't got unlimited collateral.

But I would love to go and do a Patreon special where we all take a Grand Ditch or whatever and go to the races with Jamie. I don't know why that's weird to me. I don't have to put a thousand on a horse, do I? No. It's your days. Okay, cool.

Can you still book tickets for the Grand National? Are we all busy then? To be honest... I don't have to put a thousand on a horse, do I? No. It's your days. Okay, cool. Can you still book tickets for the Grand National? Are we all busy then? To be honest, I don't know. Would it not be funny just going to Utoxeter or somewhere shit? Rather than like the Grand National, where it's just a load of fucking... Definitely easier to film at Utoxeter than the Grand National.

Where was the one that you mentioned? Chester Racers? No. Kempton. Kempton. Where's Kempton? Kempton. I love Kempton.

How about the Kentucky Derby? Oh, here we go. Derby. Here we go. Where's Kempton? Kempton. I love Kempton. How about the Kentucky Derby? Oh, here we go. Derby. Here we go. The Kentucky Derby would be great. Is that their grand national? And you can get KFC from the original gaff as well if we go there. 7th of May.

We could do that. Oh, no. That's Paul Smith's wedding. Fuck's sake. Oh, it's the day after. The wedding's on the Friday. We fly out to Kentucky. Derby. Sorted. So you get it booked. So I the Friday We fly out to Kentucky Derby It's sorted

So you get it booked So I don't really know What the Kentucky Derby is I'm just assuming It's the American Grand National It's the American Grand National I know it's done on dirt And not grass

Yeah Yeah Yeah A lot of the NFL boys Turn up And it's a fight to the death Rather than a race Excuse me

It's the last horse alive The last horse alive wins Excuse me That's the Grand National though Isn't it Sort of But it's actually Horse fighting the Kentucky Derby Right The last horse alive. The last horse alive wins. Excuse me? That's the Grand National, though, isn't it? Sort of, but it's actually horse fighting the Kentucky Derby. Right.

No weapons. Just hooves. No, it's literally horse fighting. It's jousting. You're a silly person and I don't want to talk to you. It's on YouTube, surely, isn't it? Go on. Horse fighting.

Horse fighting. Oh, no, I don't know what I'm going to say. Oh, look, Kentucky Derby, yeah? Oh, no, we're going to get BBC. Oh, BBC, fucking rat. Copyright. No, but it's just a horse. Just a... It's a horse race, isn't it?

It's a horse royal rumble. Horse royal rumble? That's what the Kentucky Derby is. The horse rumble, it's called. Yeah. The humble. You ever seen Battle Royale? One horse gets a frying pan And one gets a machine gun

What happens in Battle Royale? Battle Royale is Everyone gets one weapon Yeah And someone gets a frying pan And someone gets a machine gun I'm pretty sure Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers, spoilers, spoilers

Came out 25 years ago The person with Like the shit weapon, like a frying pan or something, wins the whole thing. Oh, hello. The little girl. Twist.

I tell you what, when that little girl got the frying pan, most of us watching thought, not going to win, but she did. Clever writing. It's funny, the person with the shotgun

should have just blew her head off. Cool. You know what I mean? Why did she win? the shotgun should have just blew her head off. Cool. You know what I mean? Why did she win? Yeah, I bet you'd be fun in a script room, wouldn't you? In a writing room. Shoot the fucking girl.

The guy with the gun should have just killed her because he can't. Right, we're on page three. Shoot the fucking kid with the gun. Fact. Not bad. Go and make me some fucking bacon. Slug.

Pow. Well. But yeah, it's a teaser. What is Aintree? It's a teaser What is Aintree? It's a part of Liverpool Grand National Every year

The randocks So in all seriousness Before we're doing Fucking horsey rumbles The grand I don't know anything Jamie's watching this Going

Fucking oh lord It's the longest one Isn't it? And it gets daft Yeah yeah The best horses Are not in the Grand National The best horses Fucking all that. It's the longest one, isn't it? And it gets daft. Yeah, yeah. The best horses are not in the Grand National. The best horses are at Cheltenham.

They're like... No, no, no, no, no. They compete in both. No, no, no, no, no. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. The absolute best horses in the country are at the Gold Cup in Cheltenham. They're like the Lamborghinis and the fucking McLarens.

Yeah, but is that a steeplechase or is that flat running that's flat running yeah this is a steeplechase are they two different horses two different races they don't do both do they

I think some of them do the Grand National is longer more dangerous the amount of deaths they have yeah but the best horses it's like

so a steeplechase and a flat running one the very best horses can do both it's like Federer. He can play on any course. Yeah, but if one course was going to break his ass. I think it's very dangerous, the Grand National, isn't it?

Yeah, so is the Roland Gallos. Is it? Yeah, because they slip and slide again. Do you know, that's why I don't watch the French Open because there's so many tennis players have to be shot behind a curtain. Two horses have won both. In what year?

Les Cargots and Golden Hill. Cool, Les Cargots. What year? What year was that? 19... Oh, 1975. Yeah, 1975. Doesn't happen anymore.

No, but they do compete. They just won both. Hey, fam, horsey peeps, hit me up. From my understanding, the Chentham Gold Cup is for the absolute creme de la creme they're the best remember Frankl

Frankl remember him what was he he was the horse that just shit on everybody and that was Jesus worth like 10 bill mate that's the game innit

just going to translate that for anyone who's not from Liverpool he shit on everybody means he was better than everybody it wasn't just a horse that pooed on all his competitors That's the game, isn't it? I'm just going to translate that for anyone who's not from Liverpool. He shit on everybody. It means he was better than everybody. It wasn't just a horse that pooed on all his competitors. He won loads of races.

He won loads of races. And then? And now is come, because it will make good more horses. He's out to stud. Good more horses. In case you don't speak South, Scouts. Can you translate him now? Yeah. He jizzes and load of fucking biffs, Jamie. Scouts Can you translate him? No Yeah Just

He jizzes And load of fucking Biffs, Jamie Makes load of fucking You know Sheila horses If you put a bit of Frankl

Up a horse pussy You're on to a winner Yeah, yeah, yeah I'm fine with that Great job though, innit If you're like The Usain Bolt of horses You're like

Guys, I've won two gold cups When do you want me to start Fucking How much is Frankl's semen Usain Bolt of horses. You're like, guys, I've won two gold cups. When do you want me to start? Fuck in. How much is Frankl's semen worth? Great search. 20 mil! No, no, no.

He's got a big ball bag in. No, no, no. It's not... Oh, copyrighted! It's not 20 million a cup, is it? No, all is bollocks.

A gallon is worth 4.7 million pounds there. A gallon. He's got some... I know, but you don't need a gallon of horse cum. No, but compare that to diesel. There's a shortage as well. Diesel is like 139 a gallon. If you're at the BP garage and you think diesel is getting expensive,

wait till you have Frankl's cum. Bloody hell. We are at the most expensive horse semen. What is that job? It's six and a half grand. I'm guessing that's her squared. Can we use that? Can we use some of the Patreon money to get six and a half grand's worth of horse cum

and just have it in a jar back there? What a flex that is. Oh, that's just Franklkel's cum in a jar. That'd be fucking amazing. Just a jar of Frank cum. That's the best flex ever. Yeah, that's expensive cum. For my horse.

Come on. And then I'll cum in a jar next to it. And then we'll make a horse. They don't cum in a jar. No, but we can get a jar separately. You've got to take your horse. No, they cum in a little thing, don't they? You wank them off. You don't have to in a jar. No, but we can get a jar separately. You've got to take your horse. No, they come with a little thing, don't they? You wank them off.

You don't have to take a horse. I thought you had to take a horse. You can lead a horse to come, but you can't make her drink it. Imagine if you spent six and a half grand and the horses are like flirting with each other and then Frankel gets hard like... And then you're nagging. You're like, go on, love, go on.

We're going to make some expensive horse racing babies. And then she just starts going... Swallows the whole load. You'd be like, no! I should not have Googled this. Oh my God. See, you wank it off into like a flashlight. Yeah, it's like a big, massive flashlight, isn't it? It collects in the beacon.

And then you can literally empty it into a little masonry jar. You have it back there. I reckon we make Finn do this. Where do you buy horse cum? Don't put cum. Don't put horse cum. Oh, we're on so many watch lists here. Oh, my God. Seam and ordering from the county farm stud. Oh, nice. on so many watch lists. Oh my God.

Semen ordering from the county farm stud. Oh, nice. That sounds legit. Oh, it's the county farm stud. It's the country farm stud. Oh, hang on. Do you want to buy some semen from the big old stud? Don't let it.

Overnight delivery. Oh, quickly. I can't wait. Walking to 120. 100 quid is not enough. I want a six and a half grand bucket of jizz. Or you can get a frozen for two ton. Like a frozen iced coffee.

In case you want it next year. Overnight delivery. Come on. Let's buy six grand's worth of horse. Come and put it on the shelf. The country stood farm. The country stood farm only go up to 200 quid. And that's basically it. Yeah, we don't want it from them. No, now we want the big boy it's a horse jizz ice pop where's frankel

if you know frankel or is our fella tell him to get in touch sorry what if you know frankel just hit him up on twitter on insta you know yeah yeah i think we should do it why because it'd be funny to have a load of common not having six and a half thousand dollars of cum On the shelf That is the best flex What podcast can flex that? This is a legitimate conversation I mean

It really is I want to buy horse cum The most expensive on the market I know but you don't deal with the accountants have to deal with heather the accountant who's like i've got any receipts to think about it just going through these it'll be worth even more in a few years like buy an art in it no yeah you can't wait it off though yeah you're right it's the original nft horse cum. Yeah, 100%. It's worth more the more dead it is. It's only been on the shelf two years.

Well, then we'll get a cryogenic freezer as well. A cryogenic? You can just get a freezer. Get a cryogenic. Cryogenic? Because it needs to be for cum, doesn't it? What? No, it just needs to be cold.

I thought when you freeze it. Cryogenic? So hang on. If I come in like a packet now and put it in my freezer put it with your fabs yeah if I put it with me fabs don't get them mixed up

and me snickers ice creams oh the goat right are you telling me that if I take that jizz out next year and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds it's good for me

I wouldn't expose it to microwave no it's like meat you've got to thaw it put it on a plate. Put it in the pan. Do you thaw meat in the pan? You just leave it to thaw naturally?

Yeah, on the windowsill. Yeah, chicken and jizz. Will that be as good as new? It needs to go up the pum-pum ASAP. The jizz will be like, what year is it? But it needs to go in soon. Go in what pum the horse pum pum oh is this his cum oh sorry if i was like let's say i went to the doctors and they went right look you you can't have kids but you're you've got like a rare condition where your jizz is going to expire next week six left

so whatever you've got left in your at the minute sorry what your balls are dying it's a rare condition adam you've got but you've got you've you've got 40 years left to live your balls have got two weeks yeah so you need to aggressive stage five ball cancer no not. Don't make it too real. He's just losing his... He's got a health anxiety. I've got a twinge in me ball. Oh, my God. If you want to see actual pain, Adam's health anxiety went flat.

No. Even though we're talking about expiring balls. Too real. It's just me cum's going to expire. His virility is dropping. You're drying out. No, because I can still jizz. It just won't be potent.

Cool. I ain't potent, though. So he's like, you need to spend the next week wanking like mad. And then freeze your jizz. Are you telling me I can just put it next to me fucking Fender's crispy pancakes? Oh, 100%, because I studied medicine. I studied jizz medicine.

Manchester, 10 years. How much is it worth, though? How much is it worth though how much is it worth to who are we putting him out to stud yeah this next tour

is probably him peaking in 20 years we're going to want him some young fresh comedians out there no but it'll still be young won't it it'll still be 30

if I do it now that jizz will be forever 30 if I freeze it good on has everyone got the text through great thanks on. Has everyone got their text through? Great, thanks. Good, good.

Glad we got our text through. Sorry, what? Your jizz will be 30? I'm 30 now. What? So if I jizz in a bag now and freeze it. It comes out Adam's a 30-year-old Adam. No, what I mean is it will always be a 30-year-old ripeness, won't it?

Like a 30... It's like a whiskey that's been frozen. It's still 30 years old because it hasn't been matured. No matter how old it gets. Like, I've got a bottle of Lagavulin 16 in my house. That's always a 16-year-old whiskey, no matter how long I keep it for. No, you're 30. Your jizz isn't 30 what are you talking about no the makeup of him

giving away his dna is though isn't it so so hang on do you make different no you don't your dna is your dna you're not like yeah i got pregnant to adam when i was 18 and fucking the little shit's a drinker a bit immature but then i got pregnant to Adam when he was 37. He was a settled down little baby talking about house prices. It's the same fucking jizz, isn't it? No, but the overall health of your body contributes to your jizz health.

I thought you were literally changing the personality of the baby that's born from that jizz. It sort of is, though. No, it's sort of not. As you get into your 30s and 40s, aren't there more chances of being problems? Yeah. That surely it no but that's just because they're just like i'm so tired yeah but that's what i'm talking about that's what i'm talking about so like if i jizz now oh healthy healthy jizz if i do it in 15 years a 45 year old dog tie bars come it's just gonna be

like it doesn't it like i think your j jersey is still strong way way i mean like guys yeah there's o'connor was still having babies when he was 104 or something weren't he yes guys there's guys impregnating in the 80s i mean who's there's o'connor fucking them i think there's o'connor's been dead five years and i think he's got like a six-year-old son there's o'connor and he died of old age i'm googling there's o'connor because he was shagging over oh he was an absolute pussy magnet Dez O'Connor look at him mate

imagine how many fannies he's seen in his life yeah of course he's a fucking entertainer lad full name Desmond as well

12 weddings full name Desmond that was the important bit died yeah look Christina Adam Karen

Samantha yeah so click on Christina and see how young she is Christina O'Connor she's old she's fucking probably as well

he's got a young child I'm telling you right the point is you can you can impregnate women when you're old old innit

does that see Tracy doesn't even come up because she's so young. That's a weird time to ring the blowjob bell. She's the director of Who Do You Think You Are? So she can't be the director. Fucking nepotism. I refute and I'm going to,

for the first time today, could have done it earlier, I'm going to put this on time today could have done it earlier I'm going to put this you can still have healthy children just because you've got 75 year old jizz

yeah but I think what he means is just a total DNA mate just that he's a young stud isn't he get it out now I think women would rather

I think a woman of childbearing age would feel more comfortable having 30 year old come than 80 year old come because I always look at Adam and think young stud you should

especially with this new air wax he's come to my barber's now he's moved over to the light side Carl Shera barber, Josh, shout out Josh grow cut, I'm just slowly morphing into Carl are you doing another sponsorship shout out Josh shout out Josh at Joey's hairdressers

it wasn't a sponsorship hey and if Josh fucking nicks you here, go to Joey Hughes. I'm still going to go to my old barber. I just popped in. The last syllable of my barber's name is cut. Always makes me smile. Not as fun as Joey Hughes. Oh, I'm over here suing motherfuckers.

He's made up by this, by the way. Hey, if you've got a problem, some dame got your jizz and it's 30-year-old prime Adam Rogers, but you're like, fuck, I'm 75. I got old man jizz. Sue her. Vinnie Salazar. The bitch won't know what hit her. Joey Hughes. Pow.

Please don't clip that out. One more question? One more question. Oh, it's from Joey Hughes. Please don't clip that out. One more question? One more question. Oh, it's from Joey Hughes. What am I? Not talking over here? Hold the line, caller. God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, cause Gregor from Dundee Has sent a would you rather

Alright lids, quick would you rather Would you rather have 50p For every minute you've watched porn Or 50 pounds For every minute you've lasted in bed Ever Love the pod, been brilliant meeting you at all various different live shows Gregor from Dundee

The second one 50 pounds for every minute you've lasted in bed Love the pod. Been brilliant meeting you at all various different live shows. Gregor from Dundee. The second one. £50 for every minute you've lasted in bed. Yeah. Yeah, that one. Because then you're getting paid to bonk, basically, aren't you? No, you don't.

No, you mean it's backdated. There's no, it's backdated. You get paid now. The check's about to be cut. Oh, still that one? For every minute you've had sex from winkies in to winkies out you get 50 pounds it's 100 times longer though isn't it

it's 100 times more money that's what I mean so if you last 100 times longer you're making money less than sorry yeah I'll take 50p and porn thank you no I'd take the sex one

yeah cool and I'll tell you why because in bed I can put a shift in and I can edge and I can hold,

but I've had many 25-pence wanks in my day. No, you've not. I can make myself come in under a minute. Oh, I know. You say, but you can't, and there's no way of proving it because that's a Patreon special I don't want to see. Point your toes.

Point your toes What? Three words Point Your pointing is Yeah Your As in yours

Yeah Toes Point your toes where? Straight What's that got to do with Carla you aren't actual glue I preferred you when you were sponsored by Russian oil companies Not anymore Pain calm Are you on actual glue? I preferred you when you were sponsored by Russian oil companies

Not anymore Pincom Does pointing your toes make you finish faster? That's just an old word Have you ever heard that wives tale? Have you? No I haven't got a clue what he's talking about half the time

What are we typing here? Pointing your toes Ejaculation Ejaculation Ejaculatio Why I come faster Better when I point my toes There you go

Well there you go Have it Up your bollocks I've noticed I stop breathing When I come I struggle to breathe When I'm concentrating. Like,

how's that first one? Are you mentally, aren't you? Everyone's in a spixy wank. Yeah, but it is though. And I only noticed it recently. And then I was like,

oh, I've always done that. Even when you're coming in someone. What? Even when you're coming in someone. I'll have to test that third ingratia. What's donking? That is donking.

I'm fucking blathering. Point your toes. Donking. Absolute fucking vital. Carl is vital. I'm still taking the sex one. I'm a quick... I'm in and out with the old

it's a chore for me wanking a lot of the time I just need to get the demon out I would love to know where the sex I'd love to know you're trying to last aren't you

I'd love to know where the where the real value lies in this because I've watched so so much porn what's your average session 10 15 minutes yeah 20 minutes 25 minutes that's my foreplay i'm talking about wang wang foreplay

yeah sometimes i'll get a little tickle on the balls i treat myself right do you ever like have some like self-time foreplay what like tickle your balls I sing to my dick Strangers in the night I blow on it So it thinks it's like You know I sing to mine as well

I think So I want I want my balls to think It's on a veranda A veranda in Portugal What a lovely evening A lovely summer's night Oh the breeze coming off the

Atlantic is stunning Do you ever like tease yourself strangers in the night he's having great fun he just like like he won't like go for it straight away I have never

teased myself I do when I'm hungover sometimes just want to enjoy it young stud what do you do like to help me balls and like stroke the shaft before I fucking... Oh my God. Put earphones on him, that was horrible.

Point your toes, mine are fucking curled. Stroke the shaft. Anthony J. Brown doing a set. Such a niche reference paint my house oh stop doing that you fucking paedophile

that's your own penis oh you don't wet the tip like a ciggy you have doggie there you gel permanent ones on You don't wet the tip Like a ciggy You have doggy there

Your gel permanent runs off What was the question? Oh yeah definitely the sex one Yeah 100% It's 100 times more Yeah Yeah Cool

I reckon I've had 100 times I've had less than 100 times more Wank minutes than sex minutes I reckon I've had a hundred times... I've had less than a hundred times more wank minutes than sex minutes, I think. I don't. I think I've put some pretty impressive stats there in the wanking. I've been married. Okay.

This has been an absolute pleasure. Let's have an interval and speak to some of our money cunts. And then get Sean McLaughlin in. Who you're going to really like? Very good. Young stud. Today's podcast is sponsored by the subscription coffee service,

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That's how good it is. dream on's here it's part three of four we're back how are you feeling today don they're good we've got shawn mcglugly how are you lad i'm good man thanks for coming in No worries at all I'm so glad So glad you finally Finally got me Yeah It's what it's all been Building up to I assume Absolutely Yeah yeah yeah

When we started When we started We said right Look He's too white I said he's too white It's all McLaughlin One doctor has called me

Dangerously white Like it's a problem Yeah yeah Medically too white yeah yeah yeah but spiritually definitely too white so you know that was the time i would say my yeah i mean i'm all for diversity i'm all for you know multiculturalism i would say i am the whitest man i know like if i listen to simon and garfunkel i go that's baselines. They're too fat. Get that down. Fat?

Yeah. Do people still say fat? That's how white I am. With a PH. PH. PH 18. Whatever one's more street. You're just learning about the,

this is how white you are. You're just learning about the PH fat. Yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. I'll climb. Proper professional comic. Still got the Casio watch on, even without having to time his set. Always, that's it. That's it. I'll climb. Proper professional comic, still got the Casio watch on, even without having to time his set.

Always, mate, always. I wear this, I shag at this. I'm always on time. Just hear the little peep. Fucking personal best, that look. And we're off. No, it's good to be here. It's good to be here, lads.

You have been very busy you've been touring for a while where you've you're about to go on your own tour which we want to plug for you where can people get tickets for that uh my website which is sean mclaughlin fuck what is it what is it sean mclaughlin comedy.com cool so good luck spelling that and you're going all over the uk all over the uk and europe and europe dates coming on the 14th of march and on top of announce on top of your own way because you've got uh album out a special out which i've seen which was hail mary which is one of the best shows i've ever seen at the edinburgh festival i came away from watching your hail mary show what was that 2018

yeah really annoyed you know when you watch a comic that you really like but you get but i say so far it doesn't sound like a compliment no no i mean it as a compliment though like you know when you watch a comic that you really like and you come away and they've put a show together and it's not just an hour of bang bang bang punchline peppered stand-up but then it all makes perfect sense. And every little bit is tied together. Annoyingly good. I watched it with my ex-girlfriend. And my ex-girlfriend, she's very anti-religion.

And when I told her it was called Hail Mary and there was a religious aspect to parts of it, she was like, oh, fine. Well, then we're going to watch something I want to watch later. And she loved your show more than anything else we've seen that year oh that's really nice it was annoyingly good i've never seen sean do anything but great comedy even when he dies it's fucking great no i'm not even i'm not even joking i've seen you have weird gigs and i've got the end of it and that gone that was all the crowd's fault. They're fucking Muppets. Oh, thanks, man. I've never seen you do anything

but absolutely exceptional comedy. In Norway, where they were like, it was still a gem watching you. Like, it was so good. That was the best, that weekend we did in, was it the latter?

The Oslo. One of the best comedy clubs. And we were the only two English speakers. Have you ever talked about this on the pod? I have. I've done, because we had such a nice time. They put us in a nice hotel. I enjoyed Oslo from start to finish.

You were great company. It was all fun. But the latter comedy club is exceptional. It's like Comedy Store, even nicer than the Manchester Comedy Store, but it sort of got that feel. It was the intro of, and because these people are white in my head and in everyone else's head i can do the

do i really do because i don't want to be culturally insensitive but it really was a whole night of like handy and then oh my god i'm like you're right and they're like yes like everyone just i find that english it's so mental i do a fair i well i do a fair few gigs on the continent because i don't get booked in the uk um but whenever i get i do uh a few gigs in the netherlands uh and i did some at the back end the last year and it's the same. It's like everyone is Dutch and then you hear your name and suddenly you have to talk in English and it's creepy. It's like you're in The Sims.

And then suddenly you go, it was like, what are these idiots? What's going on? Sean McLaughlin. Sean McLaughlin. You go on there, stink the place out. No. Fucking get the fuck out of there. Well, they loved you in Norway.

Yeah, yeah. It did very good. Yeah, yeah. It de very good. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty good. But thank you very much. Yeah, do come see the show, whether I do well or die. What's the show called?

It's called So Be It. So Be It. I'm excited for it, really. Where are you going on the continent? Where's the, obviously it's the UK tour. They're all pretty much the same sort of places, doing the big places.

But where in Europe is your, where's that? I mean, where does that look like? You can't, have you not announced it? Can it be said? Yes. I assume some of the European tour dates are on the back of opening for Ricky Gervais. Yeah, that's it.

Which is something we should mention. So you are Ricky's regular and only support act on his arena tour. On his last one, yeah. Yeah. We saw it in Manchester. Oh, great. When was that?

August. Yeah, they were fun shows. Yeah, it was great. They were like the first big indoor events since COVID, I think. We did the two dates of the Apollo, and then we did Leeds on the Saturday, Leeds Arena. Which looked massive. It was fucking dumb.

It was like fucking dumb. It was 12,000 people. COVID was still a thing. And when he came out, genuinely, it was like Elvis could have come back from the dead and wouldn't have got a bigger reception. So yeah,

it's a really cool job to get. And off the back of it, hopefully you sell a few more tickets. But Ricky's got a maniacal fan base hasn't he especially because in the the culture war over the past few years he is very staunch down there i'll say whatever the fuck i want that team i tend to lie in the middle of the of the offence in comedy and like what you can and can't say and i think people have got right to be upset and whatever but it is fans are so like ricky is a frontline soldier for a certain type of someone with a certain opinion

on comedy I guess so I mean I I also don't really have that big of a an opinion on it yeah I think he probably doesn't have that big an opinion I mean he does talk about it a lot he's definitely I mean you know he's very open he's a big free speech guy he thinks that's what comedy is uh but I actually to be honest i still think most people just go see him because they find him funny yeah i mean i think it's it's easy to get caught up with comedy these days about we're all soldiers in this war yeah really yeah i mean i think recent events have proved that we're not i want to tell my fingering jokes in peace it's not we're not soldiers we're just we're just telling telling jokes and that's it really.

But you've done, you've opened for a couple of the really big names in comedy and one of your albums is called Support Act, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Is that off the back of doing a bit of the support for the bigger guys? Yeah, I mean, that's sort of,

I always, that seems to be the role that I do okay at. I opened, because I remember a fair few years ago i opened for katherine ryan when she was breaking through and that was amazing and then i opened for doc brown and that was amazing and then we saw you at bill burr yeah bill burr that's right which you did the same tour didn't you i did the year after at the royal albert hall so we've seen you at the royal albert hall open for bear yeah god that was great wasn't it yeah it's really yeah it's cool isn't it like we i i just

went to the first one because bill bear was over in the uk he's one of my favorite comics and it there was no announcement of who the support act was going to be and then i'd seen a comic who i won't name arrive at the venue in a car and i was like oh they'll be opening and it wasn't you and that and then i'm sat in the audience going oh it's good and then yeah yeah ladies i'm sean mclaughlin and you were great that night oh thanks man thanks yeah i going, oh, it's good. And then ladies and gentlemen, Sean McLaughlin. And you were great that night. Oh, thanks, man. Thanks.

Yeah. I mean, it's pretty cool. I do think tour support is the best job you could have in comedy. I don't know if you'd agree. It is the most glory for the least amount of effort. I'm basically doing exactly what I would do for 50 quid in Scarborough.

But because I'm before someone famous, people think, oh, wow, he must be, he must be like, I'm playing Bill Burr's audience without the hassle of having to become Bill Burr. Sometimes. It's so good. It's so good. Sometimes they're a bit like,

no, we're not here for you. Is that the only downside of the support act is when they're like, oh, who are you're not here for you. The only downside of the support act is when they're like, oh, who are you? And then you can win them over. Definitely. Yeah, I mean, you do have to take a few hits to the ego.

I mean, yeah, doing the stuff with Ricky in particular because his fans are so diehard. And sometimes you're just doing huge venues and the audience is still coming in. I mean, I go on stage and if I'm lucky, sometimes the like

arenas are half full and you go i'm gonna eat some shit for 10 minutes and then i leave and i go how was it yeah it's empty now i've got my 20 it's empty now um but yeah it's weird it's funny that that's um the biggest one for that and by the way this is all great it's all i mean it's amazing it's the best job I'll probably ever get. Yeah. Opening for Ricky. But we did two nights at Wembley Arena. And you go, fucking Wembley Arena.

Oh my God. Is that 20,000 people? No. God, I hope not. Then I really did have a quiet gig. I think it's like, it's not the biggest anymore. But it's Wembley you know

I think it might be the old two that's 20,000 yeah 12,500 didn't need that didn't need that mate actually

cut that one yeah so in hindsight I did die really did struggle didn't I I made that 12,500 sing

like a 60 seat studio in the Pleasant the pleasant courtyard I really did but no but the thing is with it is people are coming in late Wembley's a really hard thing to it's a hard venue to get to yeah given that it's in London and it's really famous yeah and it's no fault of the venue and it's no fault of anything it's just how it goes it's not full when I go on I mean that makes sense people aren't there for you and so I you know I built up Wembley in my head

and you go there and the best bit of the gig is the first 10 seconds because you go, hello, Wembley. And then silence hits and then you go, all right,

back to work. But it is cool. Does Ricky announce you from off stage? Yeah, he does. He does. And that, I think that makes

a huge amount of difference. Yeah, yeah. Huge amount. Yeah. I mean, it really makes a lot of difference when they go out and do 10 minutes and then get you on. Yeah. Jason Manford did that on his tours last year

and you were like, as you were shaking his head, like, thank you. Yeah, yeah. Because it's so, he's like basically guiding you on, like, hi everyone. I'm going to make you laugh for a bit and then I'm going to introduce a friend who's validated by me shaking his hand as he walks on it's easy that's nice isn't it are you going to do that on your tour are you going to compare and bring your support acts on

oh yeah i'm being a selfish twat me i'm just sending them on are you all right because i need yeah the way i'm gonna do i'm gonna hire jason manford to do 10 minutes before my support act and then i'm going to go on. I am hemorrhaging money with it. I am hemorrhaging, mate. I think there's a way of building up. You don't have to introduce people, but even on your social medias, if you're like, this is my tour.

Because on here, we've had Thomas Green on, Vittoriohan yeah like we they the people who listen to this who buy tickets to the tour know these guys and then obviously see on social media and then they're built up so they have a gig some of these famous acts are like i did katherine ryan because she she messaged you and you messaged me so on sunday i supported katherine ryan oh great no one hasn't 900 people in the cinema and a theater huge old victorian theater in blackpool no one has an idea that she's got to support they don't even know there's a support act some of them might but they're not they don't they don't there's no running order to say so they hear katherine ryan's voice from off stage hello everyone welcome and you

can tell they're like oh katherine Captain Ryan. And about 18 seconds later, they're looking at me. People are like, they find out that there's a tour support as she goes. And so I've brought a lovely comedian, give it up for Dan Nightingale. They have to process so much like, oh my God, Captain's coming on.

Oh, this is amazing. We bought tickets. I love her so much. Support, tour support, an act, Dan Nightingale. Who the fuck is this fat swat in a hat? Well, I've definitely told this story on the podcast before but with you being here do you know when when you opened for Bear at the Royal Albert Hall yeah was his tour manager Kenny was it club soda Kenny yeah

I think so yeah so he introduced me not in London so in London they had a female uh voice so that the director of the special because he was taping it he said I want a girl to do it so they got like

a girl with a really nice soft voice ladies and gentlemen Bill Burr but in the first two Birmingham and Manchester it was Kenny

and this is how he introduced me I've definitely told this before so he goes ladies and gentlemen welcome to the armadillo here in glasgow where tonight we present live in concert bill burr but first

it was and you literally felt the urge like an audible it is it was great in the end it was an absolute honour and a privilege who you're supporting is well because like your comic

your comedy is brilliant and it's interesting and it's intelligent like it matches Ricky Gervais Catherine Ryan's Blackpool audience suited me

down to a T she's a mum she's got a bit of edge to her like I'm a dad i've got some of that stuff i i i had the most fun i've ever had support in a famous comic like and then obviously not every crowd is the same but i've done some john bishop supports where you're like oh they they just came for john bishop and i've done some john bishop supports where they're the happiest easiest crowd to get going like it's so i know you can get a weird like flip of the coin sometimes but

you have to suit the comedian you're supporting don't you like you two supporting Bill Burr makes sense in my head yeah yeah you support you supporting Ricky Gervais makes sense yeah there are some match-ups where famous comedians just, you can see their agent ringing around and messaging around, you're like, surely you want a bit more control, who's supporting you? Who is a famous comedian? I'll ask this to both of you. A, that you would love to open for,

and B, that you just don't think would work. Like, would you open for Milton Jones? Not, that's not my bike. That's not, no, that's not going to go down well. I love watching Milton Jones. Not, that's not my bike. That's not, no, that's not going to go down well. But I love watching Milton Jones, but I feel like I would walk on and do what I do to his crowd and they'd be like, oh. I mean, do you mean like any comedian?

Yeah. I mean, are we including like Barrymore in it? Because that would have worked. Michael Barrymore. Like if Barrymore went, actually for the anecdote, I probably would. Oh my God, yeah. That would be one of those folk in the road,

like what is going to make a story in five years? Did you get that from the wall or from your head? Oh my God. What's going on? What about Elton John? I mean, if I opened for Elton John, he's losing even more money on his tour than I am. What about Fastino Esprilla?

Again, I would take that if if former colombian footballer fastino espiria was doing it yeah definitely support tino loves you he's a big fan of have a word um who you know espiria the one who got caught with like four grabs of cocaine strapped to his shin 100 i'm gonna be honest sean it better not be now you've said it yeah i know yeah let's not clip that one let's kick that one into the into the into the long grass who was it that wasn't lee carsley was it from before so i don't want to i wouldn't want to support to can't be, well, obviously if you say Frankie Allen, it's just horrible in it, but it almost doesn't count.

I'm trying to think, I think this is sometimes to the detriment of my standup. I can, I've got the gears that I will adapt. So if it's all like Lee Evans did some of his new material at the Glee a few years ago. Yeah. And you think Lee Evans is not really, his crowd are not really my bike. I had a fucking great time.

I don't know about that. No? Okay. Lee Evans is, he's a more gentle comic and he's more family friendly. Yeah, that's true. But he's so high energetic.

He uses, he uses voices to his advantage. Yeah. He's performative and he's high energy. I don't think that's a clash with you. No, I know. Asshole.

Yeah. I think with, if you do club gigs, performative and he's high energy i i don't think that's a clash with you no i know at all yeah i think with if you do club gigs which you i mean you two are two of the masters of club gigs i mean i think if you're just on the circuit in general you are used to making large cross sections of the public laugh and so you're probably in decent shape. Totally, 100%. But it's not a club audience and there's not a cross section. I think the juxtaposition of an audience who've gone,

we're going to see Quirky McQuirko and then you're not anything like that. I think... He is called him as well. Quirko! And they just start the crowd going, Quirko! Quirko! Quirko.

Quirko. I tell you, quirky but quirko stuff on Boris Johnson is unbelievable. He makes a point and he pours custard on his head.

It's the best of both worlds. Custard in a shoe. Ooh. Quirko. Classic quirky. No, well, maybe Jim Jefferies.

I suppose that'd be all right as well. I'll tell you who I did. Sometimes the edgier guys, that'd be like. I'll tell you who I did. I did Doug Stano. Oh, well, yeah. And that was, I got away with it, but it was one of those things where we were sort of told before,

they're nice, they're fun, but his audience, drink hard, they're big party guys, and he is beyond a god to them because he's like an underground god yeah and if you don't have an abortion punch line in the first three minutes like this guy is lightweight yeah exactly so basically with that one it was just basically go as tight as you physically can don't pause for laughs don't give them a second and then i did my 15 and it was it was only 15 and then i introduced him straight away so they got like an hour and 45 minute show with no break

yeah because they don't need to sell what i mean if they sold this audience more beer the venue be burnt down i mean it was amazing and he, I mean, he is a real hero of mine. Yeah. But that's probably one where I think that was on the cusp for me. I think there are probably, there are definitely other comics who I think would have fit a bit better. He's a comic that I love that we haven't really spoken much about on either way before. Beer Hall Putsch is one of the best specials you'll ever see.

And in the sort of, is it the prologue? Like I think before the thing, he talks about the fact, he's like, I wanted to film it here because it's too small for me. He's like, we can't play venues like this because we sell too many tickets, but when you film in it and there's a reason to do it. And it's just this tiny little room.

It's like a hundred seater or something, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it the one that's filmed abroad? No, it's in America tiny little room. It's like a hundred seater or something, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this the one that's filmed abroad? No, it's in America. Oh, okay. No, it does one in Iceland, I think, or Finland. Or Sweden or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember, here's Dan's memory lane stuff, being the sound man at the Hyena in Newcastle when I was starting out in 2002 and a young Jim Jefferies coming back from the fringe with a Doug Stanhope CD because he'd seen Stanhope at the fringe maybe 2002 or 2003 and was like mesmerized by him was like this guy you might not have heard him and he'd gone as a fan as a comedy fan had gone and bought the CD and he

literally Jefferies was like this is genuinely the direction I want to go I remember Jim being like this is the kind of comedy and that was when he was a complete, Jim Jefferies was a complete unheard of. And like three, four, five, six years later, you're like, yep, you can actually see the influence. Yeah, yeah. You almost, from Doug Standup to Jim Jefferies,

you can see that influence. See, I'm like that with Quirky McQuirkston. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Came back from the fridge. I've got his latest VHS. He doesn't do CDs. Came back from Scarborough after that 60 quid gig Quirky doesn't do the fringe

he does Scarborough the whole season that's what I want to be like they ran out of custard in East Yorkshire Quirko! Quirko! by the way

there will be some form of visual or piss take about Quirky McQuirkison being made. Yeah, it already exists. So who would you want to... Like, if I could say now... Yeah, I think he's mine as well. Segura, because I think he's...

Also, oh... Yeah. One of those American guys. The American guys. The American podcasters. Not Chappelle. Now, you will totally disagree with me here but i think because of what chappelle does i'd be arsed i just want to do my stand-up

and i think that i think the people going to see chappelle from over here would be like yeah night this dan night goes fine but it's you you're supporting a demigod and i just can't be arsed just want to do something like the challenge of that yeah i knew i knew exactly as i was saying it have you ever seen chappelle yeah i've seen him recently yeah yeah i did and the thing is it's the odds are so stacked against anyone not just because they're bad they're not bad comics certainly not you know yeah i'd even go so far as to say they're good comedians opening for dave chpelle but the thing is before dave chapelle there's a fucking dj doing a 25 minute banging set where every verse is punctured with dave chapelle dave chapelle you're not gonna hit that are you you're not gonna hit that

so i went did you go and see him in london recently when he did the I went to see him in that post the close air run that he did in London and I thought the DJ Adam oh it was a party it's an event

I mean that's what it is it's not a comedy show Jason Momoa come on at the end yeah Tyler Bukwale

Jason Momoa yeah he just brought him on at the end just to say oh look who's here imagine if I did that Imagine if I did that. Imagine if I did that. At the fucking Guilford G Hall.

All right, guys. Got Aquaman here. Come on, Jason. What's the equivalent for us? It's me bringing like Sheridan Smith on, isn't it? I mean, like she's good, isn't she? She's really good in a lot of, she does a lot of work. Just Kevin webster just that's how you know you've really made it is your encore

is just pulling out people who aren't funny who probably don't even want to be there go look here we go we've got fucking tony adams coming out well he brought storms he was there he brought he brought talib kweli on who rapp who rapped. And then they played a Stormzy track and he was like, Stormzy. And Stormzy come on and just waved and then fucked off. That is so much better than who I got. I got Ed Sheeran when I went. And I thought, fucking hell, Ed Sheeran.

You got fucking Stormzy and Aquaman. I feel so ripped off. Did Dave Chappelle bring out Ed Sheeran? He did. And they did, what's his big song, Ed Sheeran? Shape of You. Yeah. Yeah, they sang that.

What, Chappelle's- Him and Chappelle sang it. Yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. It was this guy. It was mad. And do you understand what I mean about I can't be arsed? Just wanna do 20 minutes in front of like Segura,

who's gonna come out and do an hour. I can't, I just don't need to. Dave Chappelle! Dave Chappelle! Ed Sheeran jason momoa kevin webster he's so good if dave also brought out kevin webster to sing shape of you hey hey hey hey hey hey hey nigerian kevin webster ah sus it's a good effort he was trying to do do Kevin Webster singing an Ed Sheeran song. And you were like, it's not good enough. That's done. Can you do it?

Can you do? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. The club. The club. I'll do it. I just can't do the impression. I can't do a Kevin Webster impression.

I can just do A in his voice. That's it. That's all I've got. I want an audience with, that's where I think we should all be aiming at, the old ITV, cheesy as fuck. Adele just did one that was cool. But if you get to pick your own celebrities,

and you're like, so listen, Sean, Adam, Dan, triple header, which celebrities do you want in the crowd? To ask you questions about your career and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the Billy Connolly one. The iconic Billy Connolly one. Yeah, but there's been so much dog shit in between.

The Billy Connolly's iconic. That Adele one that came out at Christmas will become iconic. She's got fucking Helen Mirren asking her questions. And just obviously the level of Adele's fame and quality. I'd love to just fill the fucking, just with like Paula Radcliffe. Why is she here? I think ours would be so shit.

It wouldn't be fucking Helen Mirren. It'd be like John Virgo. What's your favourite sandwich? Paula Radcliffe, John Virgo, Kevin Webster, Lee Carsley, again. Jeff Winter, the former Premier League referee. He saw your number, hasn't he? Remember he called us?

He called you in River Island. He went, hang on. It's former referee Jeff Winter. I was like, okay. Wait, what? Jeff Winter just called. I don't know why. He just called Adam?

Yeah. And went, it's former referee Jeff Winter. That's how he just talked Adam. Yeah. Yeah. And went, it's former referee Jeff Winter. That's how he starts the phone. Hello, Adam. It's former Premier League referee Jeff Winter here. Sorry. Jeff Winter actually, Jeff Winter rang you. Yeah.

What I love is when you said Jeff Winter's got your number, I briefly thought you meant it metaphorically, like he fucking knows it was you who hit him with your car. No, I was on VAR for the charity game that he was refereeing and he had to send me the link and be like, have a look at this. Is he on? Is he off?

He's off. Okay. I told you the home ones, haven't I? The home ones one. Did Jeff Windsor ring him? We were in River Island and his phone went. He's doing the VAR for a charity game from River Island. That was a lie.

What the fuck? Talk about phoning, literally phoning it in. No, genuinely. I went, who's that? He went, it's Jeff Winter. What?

Yeah. And then went, yeah, it was former lefty. I'm not, that isn't a lie. So you're doing like a charity five-a-side game or something? No, I'd done a sportsman's dinner

that he was on and he was ringing me asking whether there were another one. All right, cool. Do you know what the Eamon Holmes was? So you've supported Geoff Winter? I've opened for Geoff Winter. Is he from Teesside?

He's from Middlesbrough, yeah. What sort of introduction did he give you? What was his DJ like? Geoff Winter. Former Premier League. Winter's coming. I love that. He came to see me in South Shield with his son

after the fact. He came to me to our show. Oh. Yeah. He was dead sound. He's doing all right. Yeah, Jeff Winter's up here. And she...

Jeff Winter? Won't need Paula Radcliffe soon. Yeah, there was a moment with Carl that was really funny. So, when I won that Dave award and you do all the press stuff because it's it's just mental the amount of things you have to do when you get given that award and it's great i saw you on scottish television right with my family like this is weird well i wasn't allowed to tell anyone about that and paul smith's son at the time he couldn't pronounce the word adam so he he called me the captain so paul was just making breakfast and uh paul smith's son went to him

uh dad the captain's on the telly because i was just on good morning britain talking about that thought it was hendo but carl was with me all day we were on his bed single bed watching friends in the morning just like take away everywhere just put up at night out at the hangover and his phone went he went hello and he went to hang on it's a man home i went i'll just pause friends it's just one of those moments where you realize how ridiculous your life has become I went, I'll just pause for them. It's just one of those moments where you realise how ridiculous your life has become. Because it wasn't quite like that.

I went, hello. Oh, hi, mate. You all right? And you went, who's that? And I went, Tame and Holmes. And you just burst out laughing at the nonchalance of Tame and Holmes. That shit was like, sometimes. I died on my arse in front of Dean Smith the other week,

and I'm still not over it. Norwich City manager. I want money about it, you know. No, I'm worried. Who do you support? I support QPR. I've got no horse in this race, but I had a really tough gig, went off,

and someone went, Dean Smith's in. And I was like, I don't want to hear that. Because now whenever I watch Match of the Day and I see Dean Smith on the sideline, I'm thinking, it must enter his mind every once in a while, going, I wonder what that shit comedian's up to. Oh, much of the Day and I see Dean Smith on the sideline I'm thinking it must enter his mind every once in a while I go I wonder what that shit comedian's up to I'll ask my friend

Jeff Winter for a podcast recommendation What? Have you done any of those sportsman's dinners? No I don't think I've ever done one

I've turned a few down recently I've done round tables no sportsman Colin Manford booked me for one

in North Manchester and just said oh it's a nice little gig in North Manchester 100 quid on a Thursday on a Friday

it's like nothing in the diary I was like I'll be he's like opening finished by 8.. I was like, oh, I'll be, he's like opening, finished by 8.30. I was like, mate, I'll be back by quarter past nine. This is fine, I'll do it.

I got there and it was like a sportsman's dinner. And I just wasn't trying to be a dick, but I sort of was. I just walked in and went, oh, I've been lied to and I'm not doing it. And there's no point. Was it 100 quid, did you say? It was 100 pounds. that's not enough for one of them no but he just said it's a lovely gig it was a miscommunication i'm like colin's a mate of mine and uh and i i was like

it was quite empowering actually it was the when it was it was the night before i met laura the night before i met my wife because i had a tour i had the one-man show the next night, and I was like, cool. You know when you're like, oh, I'm going to walk. I was like, I'm going to go and get a snack before the show. She was like,

yeah, no worries, love, don't worry about it. I was like, is there anywhere nearby? Make the lie believable. She's like, yeah, there's a KFC around the corner. I was like,

I'm just going to go to KFC. She's like, are you driving? I went, I am driving. Yeah, I don't like walking around the corner, and just started driving home.

Message calling Manfred, and I went, I'm going home,, I don't like walking around the corner. I just started driving home. Message Colin Manfred, I went, I'm going home, mate. That is not the gig that you booked me for. I'd be fucked if I'm doing a sportsman's dinner for a hundred quid because I'd have turned it down.

And then a lad tweeted me, like, you know, when it's in the sixth page of a tweet, who's obviously affiliated to that foot, like junior football club that were trying to do a fundraiser. So they feel completely cunted off.

They thought they'd booked a comedian all above board and they're like, why the fuck have you turned up and driven home? And I just, six tweets in, he was fuming. You've let your mate Jason Manford down, which I feel for Colin Manford because it gets his brother thrown at him all the time. Jason Manford is nothing to do with this

and he's getting atted in a fucking angry tweet about why I said I was going to KFC and fucked off home. And I thought, you know what, I'm not ignoring this.

I'm just going to go, really sorry, mate. I was booked for a nice little gig in Manchester. That's absolutely not the gig I was booked for. Don't want to do it. If I'd have known what it was,

£100 is not worth me eating my balls in front of former Man City player whoever the fuck and he was a good sense of half whoever the fuck

he was amazing Scottish Johan whoever the fuck yeah I saw a quirky you went Scottish I went Johan Johan

Johan whoever the fuck but the guy actually read my thing and went alright cool fair one which is so no

because I I just know that i'll die have you ever walked ever walked got off just like 10 do your legs work sean well i'm not a quitter thanks no no no genuinely i but also that's the type of gig that i would never have even been considered for i've done i don't um i never have I wish I wish I had that instinct I certainly in the early years

I try not to think about the amount of wasted gigs and wasted trips and you always sort of think you know when you're early on in a career

and you go oh stage time's good stage time you know you've got to get out there and do it and now I'm you know a few more years in

and I realise I probably could have lost at least six months worth at least six months work at least six months worth of gigs and be fine you'd be exactly not change my career one bit no but i never had that ballsy thing to go this is not going to work this shouldn't be a gig i'm off oh i wish i had we're talking 20 year career yeah twice once i bailed on what was meant to be an

edinburgh preview inport because there was no lights and I couldn't see anyone. And I was like, oh, this is terrible. And we had an argument with the promoter on the way home and we're still mates now. I think I'm on two, maybe two and a half of like,

you know, just leave it early because it's not in you. It's the opposite of why you're doing it. If you're a comic, you're like, I want to do this. It has to be so bad. And even then, that night on that random Friday night in April, eight years ago, in another mood, I'd have probably done it.

But I was just like, I just, whatever. The mood, I was like, I've been lied to. This is not right. Complete miss booking. 100 quid. Fuck off. Well, also, you're not. Actually, I'm quite proud of myself you're not you're not the night you're i mean it's not like you're the headline you know they're not here for you they're there for you know whoever johan yeah johan yeah yeah but if it was georgie

king kladsey i'd have probably stayed i'm just saying or alano yeah yeah i've got to say this over the line On the back That's where it came from I think I nearly walked A corporate recently In December

I nearly got off So I was booked For a corporate In London And very luckily I had my agent With me Because we had a meeting

Before hand And I got there And I was like So where's the stage And they were like Oh there's no stage I was like Microphone

They were like No there's no microphone. And then downstairs- What do you want? Downstairs, there was a party happening and they had music on, which was louder than me, obviously. And I was just performing to two dinner tables,

one small one of the managing directors of the company and one of the staff. And they were like, yeah, you're just going to stand there and do it. And I was like, hmm. So I said to Chris Meages, I was like, this is bullshit, isn't it? And he were like, yeah, you're just going to stand there and do it. And I was like, hmm. So I said to Chris Meages, I was like, this is bullshit, isn't it?

And he's like, yeah, yeah. So we checked the contract and the contract was, he will be provided with a microphone, stage, light, and this, that. And I was like, we can walk this and still get paid. And he's like, you can,

but this company who give me every corporate I ever do, which is not that many, because I don't like them. they give me maybe 10 a year it's like you will they will never book you again and i was like right okay let's just do it it is it is hard i almost walked off stage at a preview actually a few weeks ago because the audience was so they were so unhinged there were so many narcissists in and and like some of them were just drunks and it was annoying where was this this was at i think it was at the bill murray in london which is one of the best venues and the staff are incredible and it is a total anomaly this is like a bermuda triangle and what night of the week it was a thursday night it's not even a

weekend i honestly the fuck is going on it was like 20 minutes in i was like well there must be a gas leak but i and the worst thing about it was there was at least 60 of the audience the majority had paid and were there to see me and were like you know maybe they weren't there to see me specifically, but they knew the deal. Yeah. And eventually the moderates were radicalized. And so like, you could see this cancer spreading through the gig. And I'm like, I don't know what to do here. I don't know what to do here. You know, and I don't have a fucking Man City forward.

I got nothing in the wings. That is so funny. Because most of the time when a gig is full of lunatics and there's a few moderates or people who actually want to enjoy the show normally they get so pissed off and then try and police the audience but they those people have clearly gone we need to pick a team here and i want to win yeah yeah i mean really easy to be a lunatic yeah yeah but it was that it was really at half an hour, I had to sincerely stop and stop even any pretense of being funny

and go, I'm going to walk off stage right now. You can all leave, but I'm going to go. And sort of that moment of sincerity seemed to be enough to kind of pierce them a bit. But I was genuinely like, so, because I just kept thinking about the nice, normal people who just wanted to see a nice show. Yeah. As a zombie virus spread through. also as well with the preview yeah you've got like it's there to serve a purpose yeah there's a remit for the gig you're practicing for a tour you need to get it right

you're practicing for edinburgh you're like guys help me out you meant like that crowd has to be the most comedy savvy crowd. You need, I know you don't just want people just sat there listening to everything, but when they're Saturday night mental, you're like, Oh, I've got, you can do that gear.

Yeah. If you need to, but not on a preview. Yeah. I love a ding dong. I don't mind that. I love all that stuff. Love a ding dong.

Love a ding dong. Cheers to ding dongs. Yeah. Not when you're working in new material. Well, that's it. It's part of an hour. Yeah, I don't know. But it's, in general, it's all right.

That's the closest I've come to walking off stage during a gig or before a gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's a weird feeling as a comic where you're like, oh, this is fucked. So, like, I've been to some clubs and this looks like Bedlam. It's a free hit.

That whole free hit thing can be quite freeing, but not if there's no mic and no lights because then it's an unfair free hit. It was at two o'clock in the afternoon in a bar in London.

You'll know the bar if I tell you. I'm not going to name it. That's not a free hit. They're tying your hands behind your back and then going, go have a swing

and like with a preview it's meant to be an hour and you know how important the tour is you're like I've got to get there sometimes when

you're at gigs and it's bedlam especially when you know the promoters or anything it's like a nice feeling to be like well this looks fucked everyone's struggling

so if I win I look like a legend and if I have a struggle it's because these are fucking lunatics it's actually weirdly freeing isn't it I found that I look like a legend. And if I have a struggle, it's because these are fucking lunatics. It's actually weirdly freeing, isn't it? I found that. I don't know if you did any car gigs during COVID.

You've probably talked about this, but I did one car park gig. And already you go, well, this is a tough gig, isn't it? You're playing to a car park in Enfield. So just for our listeners to contextualize this during the lockdowns when social distancing was a law the to have comedy happen at all there was a lot of online stuff and uh just in case you're a new listener because i know you did one of these at least i didn't do any i did two um i just couldn't bear the thought but they like

a drive-in cinema they did drive-in comedy shows yeah yeah where there was a comedian on stage with a microphone and it was projected into the car's speaker systems via bluetooth and people would laugh in their cars and be encouraged to like flash their lights and honk their horn if they found something funny yeah so i did one for f one for Freddie Quinn in a field in Skipton where they were told... That sentence started badly and it really got worse. Every new word in that sentence

made it worse. Where they were told that because of licensing there was to be no honking of horns, which is basically... No laughing. That's no laughing. That was like the call and response thing with the gig.

That was the thing, wasn't it? Yeah. That was the laugh. The second one I did, they had an area, like for cyclists and pedestrians, where there was social distancing. So really what was happening was you were playing to a crowd of 35 people beneath you.

You could hear the laugh and you got the rhythm of the gig. There was then 45 cars parked up who could hear you, and because of licensing, were told not to honk the horns. So actually, that was great. That was a gig, because you just go, and they were their sound. So it felt like a gig, and you're like, oh, it's a car park gig, the word, only because there was a little crowd in real life. The one in Skipton was just, you just, and the way,

just by total bad luck, the sun was set. It was a beautiful night at the end of July 2020. And the way the cars were parked, the setup was really nice, except the sun was setting exactly, just exactly behind the side of the stage. All the cars were facing that way. So you could see every one of them illuminated brilliantly and they were squinting into a sunset you know that in summer when the sun just about to go you could you just see people going it was so bad it was so wrong at the one i did they were filming an episode

of celebrity first dates at the car gig so you had all these you had all these like ford focuses vw golfs and then there was one 1950s convertible cadillac with some celebrities in there and loads of cameras and a lighting rig yeah and i mean i don't know if they used any of the footage i provided them i mean i was pretty conspiratorial with a lot of what i was shouting but it was i can't say chalifordia use this footage i mean i won't even say it now but like say it no well it was to do with did the raw family kill a certain people's princess so sorry we're just coming out of the first lockdown and that's what you're angry about that's what i'm angry like i've heard a lot of comics have gone a little bit right wing with the old lockdown stuff yeah yeah covid rules i'm not even right or left way i found a new

new direction that's how big i am nostalgic conspiracy bill gates is trying to make us calm down we've got to sort that out okay, okay? Get in the fucking queue. Never mind about 5G. What about fucking JFK? And then I actually, weirdly, I got a message. I got a Twitter DM the next morning from, there's a really famous celebrity chef. I've forgotten his name. Anthony Waddle Thompson.

No, not Anthony Waddle Thompson. It's someone like James something. James Blake. Is James Blake A celebrity chef He's a musician isn't he I don't know about my life Do you know De Campo No

I can find it in the Gordon Ramsay No Jamie Oliver No It was someone who would Basically it was someone Who was at that gig

Nigella Lawson No He's a Gabriel What's going on here I'm trying to help What am I saying Peter Gabriel Is a celebrity chef At a fucking car park You're not sure They're being silly No, he's a Gabriel What's going on here? He wrote to me and he said hey I saw you last night got I'm doing a cooking show there got any tips and I was Like yeah, don't talk about fucking Diana for 20 minutes. That's my tip That's my tip. Well, you weren't getting any tips.

Imagine if he did. You're cooking an omelette in a fucking car park. What's your tip? Imagine. So today we're going to do a beef stroganoff buff first. How to ruin Saturday kitchen. That's what you want. Using a lot of stock there.

Never mind that. What about Paris? 97. That you cut in the break odds. Oh, mate. Oh. Oh, my words. Okay, now words Henri Paul Two Sue

One of his clothes Does sound like a designer Henri Paul It does sound like a designer label Great strike It sounds like a French High end Oh my god Henri Paul

I mean anything will sound French If you do it in that voice. Oh, Paul Smith. Shall we have a break? Do you want a break? Hey, Sean. Do I still have a career? I mean, that's the real question. Because I can keep this shit going if it means the video never goes out.

Wait. You think a Diana thing. Yeah, I know. Exactly yeah we'll be we'll be all right bloody hell wag wag lids it's dan hope you're enjoying today's episode do us a favor if you're watching on youtube like the video subscribe if you're listening follow us on all socials at have a word pod tell a friend do something help spread the word. Also, I'm on tour next year. If you want to come and see me, do stand up,

get tickets at dannightingale.com. Appreciate you. You're a good egg. You're a good lid. Back to the episode. Oh, part four, sponsored by Joey Hughes at Vinnie's Solicitors.

Oh, it's the Vinnie's Solicitors section of the show, brought to you by Joey Hughes and all the boys over there solving your legal problems for a below standard rate. We need them to sponsor us now. And sponsored by Manscaped to actually give us money.

And not just discounts for Carl. Classic footy shirts. Get on it. You see nothing. It's called Carl Tanner Checkoff. 10% off it. You see nothing. You just call, call, turn a check off and tell me what it's off. We literally see

nothing of that. Little fucking selfish independent deals over here. He's got his own deals. He's got his own deals over here. I've been asked to promote Reese's

peanut buttercups for Easter. Shut the fuck up. On my Instagram. By who? By Reese's peanut buttercups. That makes sense.

This guy knows the fucking industry. Yeah, it wasn't like Cadbury's going, can you promote these? Because everyone fucking hates you. Notto turns up at your house, promote these. And I'll keep them alive. They want a couple of Instagram posts in exchange for money. I've quoted them 15 grand.

Let's see what they say. Money? 15 grand. Yeah, yeah. 15 grand? I've quoted them 15 grand, because you've got to ask. Money? 15 grand, yeah, yeah. 15 grand? I've quoted them 15 grand because you've got to ask for more than you want. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's see if they reply. 15 grand plus VAT. Oh, VAT! I'm going to be VAT registered at some point so they can pay. That's how VAT works. You invoice for the fee you want,

not the fee that you're legally allowed to invoice for I mean that's business It's 101 102 101 plus 20% It's actually only 5% at the minute What? The ATE is currently only 5%

What? Until the end of March What is it? Just 15% off of March? It's pandemic induced induced waiting just for live

waiting as in W-E-I-G-H-T-I just for live not for Reese's Pieces since when the 80 is currently a 5%

and it has been for about 18 months no not across the board I don't know no I don't know false though Reese's Pieces I don't know Polestar Reese's Pieces I don't know

He doesn't know If you want any Tax advice Yeah Madam He hasn't got A clue So wait

You were just contacted by Was it the Reese's Was it a DM From the Reese's So it was by Reese The guy who runs the company Reese got in touch Reese

Yeah yeah yeah, yeah. And he was like, look, struggling to sell me chocolate here, kid. He's from Liverpool as well. Scouts that. Yeah, yeah. Dumb man in America. Taking these pieces over there.

Yeah. He's asked me to promote. And luckily for him, I actually love the creamy, nutty taste. Oh! Of money. Of Reeses dick. nutty taste of money of Reese's dick have you accepted the contrary

it's a salty creamy taste that you don't get with many of their competitors creamy salty I don't think

that was Reese's piece that you liked it is they've got like salty peanut butter it has got a salty taste he knows I know

I'm a big fan have been for a while 15 G's please you've already done it what's the competitors to Reese's Pieces Cadbury's Cream Egg right

for Easter is it mini eggs are the best a yellow mini egg no the fucking not mate Reese's mini eggs blow all of the competitors out of the water

you need to get in touch get your free mini eggs with 10% off at carldoseeggs.co.uk. Listen, if mini eggs are going to sponsor me, yellow mini eggs are the best thing in the world.

They are not sponsoring us. We are Reese's till we die here at Have A Word. 15 G's. I'd like to be sponsored by Honda Jazz 2006 spare parts

because I think my catalytic converter has been nicked. Nicked? So if anyone wants to- Sean, they're giving out a lot of money at the moment. Yeah. Honda Jazz are going really big into internet at the moment.

If the 2006 Honda Jazz people- Just them. Just that era of the Honda Jazz, the new stuff doesn't work. If that era wants to get in touch with me, I'll do it for 14 grand. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. What's Vat with you at the moment i don't know i don't know it's 85 vat because you know because of waiting it's actually that finished last september and was only applicable to the

tallest to the what the tourism and hospitality by the way it literally finishes at the end of March right it literally isn't right because we keep charging VAT on all of our invoices our accountants

are signing off and you're like 5% tickets are 5% VAT to live shows until the end of March I know it because we're

could you be any louder with your phone you absolute 10% off rat it's Joe Hughes it's Joe Hughes yeah mate

I've just done another shout out it's becoming a bit turn your phone off you're a producer of a podcast you fucking knob you work 5 hours a week sit down put the phone down

you lazy cunt. Sick of hearing his fucking phone. Sit down. You're on the job. How many hours do you need? 20% he makes. The whole everything. Profit.

My phone's on airplane mode. If anyone from the Honda Corporation is watching this, I just want you to know that those sort of turns of aggression are not going to happen with me. I am a company man. I'll keep my shit together. Sean, he's on with Honda right now. That's how car works.

He brokers his own deals with Honda Jazz. He's on the phone to Honda Jazz right now. And you know that because he's been vibrating. Oh, fucking Honda. We need to review car's contract. Hey, he's got his own contract. He probably owns the company. Joe Hughes has probably pulled the ownership of this company.

I love the idea that you two have sort of almost, I guess it wasn't by accident, but you've sort of built this company and you've had to learn business. And I've just witnessed the key product and the producer have an argument about what the fuck VAT is. While the other key product goes,

you don't fucking know shit. On air. On air. On air. He loves an argument though. He's like, 5% is a fucking fact. It is though because we've been putting

an event together for the end of the year and the promoter of it is- Just for live. Just for live. That's what I said though. Not for Reese's Pieces.

That's what I said though. Is it Reese's Pieces live? Yeah. Is it a live event where you eat Reese's Pieces? I've got to do a live Instagram story. Oh, good save. Instagram live. Imagine if like when Steve Jobs announced the iPod. Fucking his assistant.

Sorry, sorry, Sean. Can we just... Sean, Sean, can I stop you dead? Our comedian guest that came in. Are you all right, Carl? Yeah. Is everything all right? I was confirming my birthday party.

Oh, brilliant. On company time. It's getting beyond the joke, this, mate. Is there any chance you could turn your phone off? I haven't missed an episode in two years. You were confirming your birthday party? Yeah. Where is it? I'm not telling you that because it's going out? Yeah. Where is it?

I'm not telling you that because it's going out before then. No, it's not. Oh, don't, Sean. It's in neighbourhood Liverpool. Oh, it's in, oh yeah. Of course, you don't want to tell. You don't want to tell.

Oh, no, no. You'd have 100,000 incels knocking at your door. Do you know John Lennon got shot? Well, you know, he's got to be watching out for it. I mean, I'll shoot him. It was actually on loud. Just put your phone in your fucking pocket. I've put it, I out for it. I mean, I'll shoot him. It was actually on loud. Just put your phone in your fucking pocket. I've put it on loud.

Near your dick that you're always playing with. I fucking love him. And your beard. It's so annoying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What were you saying about Steve Jobs? She'd be into it. What was I saying about Steve Jobs?

Yeah. I'll be honest. I think that banter train might have become a rail replacement bus. Let's draw a line under that. We'll move on to the next bit. What I love about it is normally there's a sort of we'll set them up, you knock them down mentality in podcasts.

We'll set them up, you start to knock it down, then we scream at the fucking producer because he's organising his birthday party. Soz. It's just getting, birthday party. Soz. It's just getting, you know. What's getting? I'm boss of your job.

Come on. Do you need to review? Who's we? Who's we? Your contract. I am we. Yeah. Just come on, boys. We need to review your contract.

I'm setting up a podcast. If you want to use that and pretend that I'm going to poach you, maybe you can get a better deal Sean I'd go with Finn how much? I'm not actually going to decide you're clearly a professional

but like hey I'm the best in the game thanks Sean I'm the best in this room over the past month so I was checking on the slack right we're going to do some advice now still getting paid

dear listeners one of my favourite podcasts has a phone going off all the time favourite podcast though you know what I mean Dan so good

wag wag lids oh we're gonna do some agony Adam because he gives great advice this one people need it people don't give a shit about Dan's advice

but it's me it's all on me it's mine as well but basically to keep Adam's interest, I call the section Agony Adam. He's so narcissistic. If you call it Agony Adam, he's like, me. Wag Wag Liz, long-time listener of your podcast.

Come on, Adam, put your financial times away. This is about you. Two investments, two investments. Long-time listeners of your podcast. Oh. This is about you. Two investments. Two investments. Long-time listeners of your podcast. Oh, Jesus. Long time. Oh, my laptop.

Really looking forward to releases every week. All right, stop licking our ass. I have a problem. Has something happened in the break? Is it like, has the Valium fucking worn off for you lot? I have skittles I have a problem this problem is ongoing

as I send this email and just wanted your perspective on things for contacts they are both 18 and have been together for over a year my sister is a lesbian

like a proper super mega lesbian we have known since she was around three and I've supported her every step of the way. I mean, you have to be giving off some strong lesbian toddler vibes.

What's a baby lesbian? A toddler lesbian. Yeah. I've got a cousin who's been gay since he was like six months old. Yeah, but I'm saying there's more tells. What's a baby lesbian look like? Yeah. Look at his face. What's a baby lesbian look like? Yeah. Can't get her out of dungarees.

I don't understand. Do you think it's like... I'm sorry. I think you're getting them confused with Mr. Strong. Or a coffee table. My sister is a lesbian. Super mega lesbian. However, she has a girlfriend at the moment who I'm absolutely adamant is either is a lesbian super mega lesbian however she has a girlfriend at the moment who

i'm absolutely adamant is either not a lesbian has serious issues or both let me break it down i mean please always bring it guys guys turns out that's my new favorite sentence in a email about your lesbian younger sister let me break it down for you child lesbian now this other girl is a foster child now I'm not entirely sure what impact that would have had on a young woman's way of thinking, but I can't imagine it being positive. Right, so just for context.

This cannot be the best email you got. This just cannot be the best one you got. To be honest, a lot of them are boring, and this one wasn't. Let me break it down. No, but Sean, let me break it down. All right. They have never, these young, 18, remember? let me break it down. They have never, these young, oh, that's my hands,

18, remember? Let me break it down. They have never held hands, kissed, or done anything remotely romantic that I have seen. A lot of the romantic gestures are performed from my sister, and they argue a lot, and I mean a lot. It's quite an aggressive level of argument that is... They're not going to be licking each other out

in front of their sister, are they? Fact. That I feel is always just a stone's throw away from becoming physical I hear them crying and screaming at each other and almost weekly and whenever I ask my sister about the screaming I'm usually met with it's nothing or stay out of it my question is this boys how do I deal with this is this something I can actually deal with or am I overreacting is this something to put down as just how lesbian relationships are let me break break it down. Or is there something deeper that I probably need to address going on here?

I'm slightly worried for my sister's wellbeing as she's had minor mental health issues in the past. So don't want to push too hard. Is this a toxic relationship and does my sister need to get out ASAP? That's from Gorgeous George. We don't have anywhere near enough information to pass judgments on this one.

When has that stopped us in the past? It's not going to stop me now. Let me break it down. I'm just, you know, I'm preempting my answer with this might not necessarily apply. I think you've got to, first of all, if you think it's a toxic relationship, talk to your sister, have a chat and be like,

hey, what's going on here? I wouldn't necessarily leave if I'm not sure she's a lesbian I'd just be like hey how are you doing why are you fighting and I just I don't think you can ask your sister

whether she's having regular sex with her girlfriend yeah I haven't seen you les up enough you know if you're lesbians where's the proof

les up isn't it les off I'm changing it you know let me break it up have you ever lesed up that's what he wants to do that's when you dress up as a guy called les Get Les off. I'm changing it, you know. Let me break it up. Have you ever Les'd up? That's what he wants to do.

That's when you dress up as a guy called Les. Who are you going out with tonight? I'm going out with Les Dawson. I'm Les'ing up. I'm Les'ing up. Dressed as Les Dawson. Get your cigar. Don't think Les Dawson ever had a cigar.

He did in my head. Yeah, it's none of his business, is it? I know you've got to look after your sister, but she's in a relationship. They're not going to be going hell for leather in front of you, are they? Am I wrong? The Shelton lot's the one, aren't they? Yeah, but couples argue.

I know you're in your perfect angel relationship where everything's fairy dust doesn't but people do so i'll be honest this sounds like the valid part of this is my little sister is in a shitty looking relationship the slight concern is it sounds a bit homophobic doesn't it like yeah listen she's a lesbian and she's always been a fucking lesbian i've had a fucking nose on this since she was like three mega lesbian yeah we had little building blocks with letters on and she wrote vagina that's the thing isn't it i want to know what was the behavior at the age of three that is so different to now let's go god it's been like 15 years ago you couldn't fucking stop i i i think it'll be the stereotypical, she was more attracted to stuff that is targeted towards little boys,

like trucks and remote control cars. Well, it used to be tomboy, didn't it? That was the phrase when you were young, tomboy. That's what he's talking about. I think tomboy stops when you're going down on someone, doesn't it? Yeah, but he was talking about when she was three, Dan. Yes. Which I don't think she was doing he talked about when she was three, Dan. Yes.

Which I don't think she was doing then. No, I think that'd be a dead giveaway. Is that you in dad mode? I think tomboy stops when you're going down on someone. Yeah, I think when you get a phone call from nursery, when you get a phone call from nursery going, I tell you what, little Jezebel, she's been fingering. Amelia, we need to sort.

She's not a tomboy anymore. Does Adam Rowe run that nursery party, John? Little Jezebel's been fingering. Listen, I'm all for Tonka trucks for little girls, but that went too far. That's what it'll be though, won't it? Sheila being playing with monster trucks instead of Barbies. Well, that's what he's on about.

Now she's playing with her girlfriend. I just feel like this whole thing about you can't, just because she's like, I don't think she's even a lesbian. Like, it's a weird thing. You're every right to be a bit worried about your sister in a toxic relationship. But the truth is, with any relative or anything, if you get too involved, you risk losing the relationship you've got with your

friend or with your sister if she she's she's got to make her own mistakes and got to get out of this and then you really need to chill out questioning the lesbian of her and then she's a fucking foster child and i don't trust her and there also might be a a deeper thing with the not holding hands and being affectionate in public The plight of the LGBT community Which is still not being solved There still is inequality And there's still some homophobic scumbags out there Maybe they're not holding hands

And kissing in public Because they're worried about the abuse They will get from scumbags Correct Do you know I find that really offensive That there was no plus on the end of LGBT Fuck the rest of them The big five

Like Europeans top five leagues LGBT That's what I'm after Fucking being cute Yeah fucking Turkish league Wicks Pretty good Let's do another

Do you want to help? Do you want to help? I mean Yeah I'd love to help You worried about any I'm not worried Upcoming deals I'm not worried about that mate

No no no This is from Anonymous Anonymous. Anonymous says, Alright, Lids. I thought I could use some advice. Basically, I like my supervisor, Juice, a lot. And I think she might like me as well.

Normally, I'm confident as fuck. Let me break it down. I don't care. But she's easily a 10 out of 10. So I always nervous af that's as fuck right let me break it down no one phrase that he's learning wicked no one at work has realized yet and i don't really want them to i don't want to ask her out i can literally i'm reading words and in my head i'm just i'm so taking the piss that i haven't actually read what i've read that and i have no idea what i've read again no it's fun i don't want to ask her out in case she says no and tells everyone what should i do thanks man's into his fucking supervisor you just go for primary school tactics don't you

ask it out and when she says no you say you're only messing? Yeah. That's pretty good. What's his job? That's not applause. Just officer. Just in an office. It sounds office-y. What sounds office-y?

The supervisor. By the way, I totally get this. Like being attracted to an attractive supervisor. I, yeah, that's the, that's the action. Three, two, one. Go on. Power. Adam loves loves powerful 25 pence more an hour powerful women yeah yeah i've heard this actually everyone else do you want to join in a whatsapp group that i'm in with a mate about people were not meant to fancy who we do with pretty patel yeah we were talking literally about this recently yeah i'm more attracted to pretty patel yeah we were talking literally about this recently yeah i'm more attracted to pretty

patel as the home secretary than i would be if she was a hgb driver yeah i don't want to undermine the pod here we'll go back to the question but oh please please don't go back to the question undermine away oh god i feel really ashamed saying this but i've developed a real thing for kim jong-un's sister. Who's not even a lesbian. She's cute. There's something about the power. Could you just pull up Kim Jong-un's sister on the computer so I could see?

She's cute. Do you even know what she looks like? Or is it just because they're releasing her? No, no, I know what she looks like. Because she's going to... There about the power. Can you just pull up Kim Jong-un's sister on the computer so I could see? She's Kim. Kim Jong-un's sister. Do you even know what she looks like or is it just because they're releasing her? No, no, I know what she looks like because she's going to, there was the rumor. Oh, yes! Yeah, she's Pauly, yeah. Well, because there was the rumor. Do you remember about 18 months ago,

the rumor was that he was dead and she'd taken over in secret because she's going to take over. Oh, wow. She's going to be. Yeah, she's going to. Kim Yo-jong. She's going to take over or be found dead.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What's she called? Kim Yo-jong. Kim Yo Jong. She's going to take over or be found dead. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What's she called? Kim Yo Jong. Kim Yo Jong? I think her name's Kim innit? So it's Kim Jong Un? Kimberly. It was Kim.

Kim is their surname. No, it's Kimberly. Kimberly Yo Jong. Kimberly Yo Jong? Her name's not Kimberly. Kimbo Slice? Fucking what? Oh, I'm gone. I like the idea that that's their family name though kimberly

kimberly jong-un so it's kim jong-il big got kim jong-un yeah yeah he was ill now he's dead great great joke and he also had his daughter kim what kim? Kim Jong-do. Kim Jong-do. As opposed to Kim Jong-un. Un do-to. That's not bad. That was good. That's not bad, is it? That was good. Oh, sorry.

Not enough fucking four-year-olds getting fingered for you to laugh at. No, I think it was Vietnamese though. I don't think he got the fucking state of this. I think he took it as like Kim Jong-do. I think he, I think we're like, yeah, that's a good name. Kim Jong-un-do. Trois. Trois.

Ah! Oh, French. It's Kim Yo Jong Kim Yo Jong Yeah I'm going to make her my wife Sean's fuming about the lack of respect He got for that joke Yeah I'm 100%

On this WhatsApp group 100% powerful women A supervisor It was attractive and flaring with you. Honestly, I'd never be able to get it out of my head. Can I give you some powerful women and you say yes or no?

Do you want to turn the telly on? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'll just read the book loud. No, could you put the telly on so we get a visual because it just adds to it. He needs the visual. I'll go with number one.

What about Karen Brady? I mean, I don't respect their opinions. Also, if you believe the rumours, she takes it up the arse. Well done. That was a football chant, wasn't it? Was it?

Yeah. Oh, I thought you were just peddling your own... No, no. He's been on the dark web version of Reddit. Deborah Meaden isn't powerful. She's got no money. She's never invested in a single thing on Dragons Den.

She sat there for years telling everyone she was out. She needs to invest in a facelift. Fucking hell, Dan. That cigar has really done something to you, man.

That's too far, isn't it? It is, yeah! Are there any others? Theresa May. Who's that? That Victoria Beckham. Oh, yeah, no, the one next to her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my kind of lady who's that Emily Pankhurst who is it I want to know who that is Victoria Beckham who's the one who runs Newcastle United now she looks like is it Joel Olsteen

who's the just google famous preachers America is it Joel Olsteen the who's the just Google famous preachers America you know the ones who do like the big yeah

that was good spelling preachers Billy Giddey and Pat Robinson it's not Joel Olsteen I saw it I saw it go up

go up you've gone there you go Joel Olsteen no it's not him. Go on images. Right. Go on images.

Go through the audio listeners. Love it. Top left. Top left areas. That looks like the new, the woman who runs Newcastle now. Yeah. Oh, the Iceland. Does she look Icelandic?

She looks like a white. Pull them up. Pull them both up and put them in the episode. Put new Newcastle CEO or whatever she is. Well, I would absolutely, I'd have a nice time with both of them. Both on the town and in the bedroom.

Kim Jong-un's sister has really got me though. Yeah. It's such a high pressure relationship, isn't it? That would be, that's it. It's so forbidden.

It's so forbidden. I mean, how do you even see her? You're a UK based comedian. I know, you know, I know you're doing some international tour dates but surely not not on the demilitarized zone yeah yeah yeah but i'd have to put in a love knows no boundaries yeah but north korea does right they're pretty they're pretty strict on that boundary

does pyongyang have a glee no it's the old junglers it's a comedy loft yeah it's a Pyongyang Glee. The old junglers. It's a comedy loft. Yeah, it's a comedy loft. Sean, help me box it. I need to get, whoever books Pyongyang, I need to get in there. I think that's step one. Step two, defect.

Wink, wink. I'm not defecting, guys. Anyone listening, I'm not defecting. Step three. Step three, question mark. It's actually the Pyongyang stand, and they only book local apps. I'm not defecting guys anyone listening I'm not defecting step three step three question mark it's actually the Pyongyang stand and they only book local apps

can't get in yeah very difficult it's tough that isn't it yeah it's tough yeah you have to go and do Red Roar

on a Wednesday two years later to get you back for a 15 and it is Red Roar it is Red Roar the flag's red I don't want to do any more we've got to do one more do we have to we haven't done it It is red raw. The flag's red. I don't want to do any more.

We've got to do one more. Do we have to? We haven't even answered the advice. What's the question? Just fuck her. The secretary. Yeah, you've just got to go for it. The secretary?

The supervisor. You've got to ask. You've just got to go look. You've got to be really polite about it. Can't be harassing. Not anymore. You've got to go up and be like, listen, love, I feel feel like you've been flirting am i getting the wrong end of the stick and if she's like no i'm into it then go for it and if she's like yeah fuck off then you know just have your fantasies and if it goes wrong and you've mistreated horrifically you're gonna get

some dog shit shifts shoot your shot she's your supervisor she's gonna put you on late he's getting them he's getting them vibes anyway he's getting them who cares you're young don't worry about it get your dick out you're gonna get fucking executed

in Pyongyang Pyongyang you're done aren't you mentally gone just gone hey that's a fucking

podcast Sean McLaughlin thank you so much for coming in it was a pleasure until about 20 minutes ago now one of the great regrets of my career

where can people find you I think you fit in great thanks man I enjoyed it big fan of the pod big fan of you lads well just find me on Twitter

at Sean McLaughlin Instagram Instagram Sean McLaughlin comedy it's a hard my name's really hard to spell I think that is a problem but it's worth putting the effort in yeah Well, just find me on Twitter at Sean McLaughlin. Instagram? Instagram, Sean McLaughlin Comedy. It's a hard, my name's really hard to spell. I think that is a problem, but it's worth putting the effort in.

Yeah. And do come, I don't know. S-E-A-N. That's it. That's the tough bit. And you're going on tour. When does your tour start? I've got a handful of dates in April, May,

and then I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe, and the main tour is in Octoberober november and september lovely and you've got the special hail mary on youtube you've got the album support act on spotify and hail mary yeah so i've got the both of them on spotify it's just loads of loads of stuff going on go and find them it will be one of your new favourite comedians. I'm doing a podcast with Johnny Pelham as well that I should probably plug. Yeah, what's that called? It's called Failing Better

and it was meant to be out by now but we had to lose the first two episodes because... That seems fitting. Yeah, exactly. We had to, yeah. But it's coming out. It's called Failing Better and it's going to be better.

Now that it's failed to come out on time. It's Failing Better and we have failed it better. It's called failing better because we can't legally call it fuck. We fucked it again. Oh, fuck. We didn't press fucking record. I have added some extra tour dates,

as I mentioned on the Patreon episode this week. There is a second date in Sheffield, a third date in Leeds, a first date in both Bristol and Brighton. There is a fifth date in Manchester, a second date in Liverpool, a third date in both Bristol and Brighton, there is a fifth date in Manchester, a second date in Liverpool, a third date in Edinburgh at Monkey Barrel a third date in Glasgow

at the stand, there is a matinee on the 12th of March which is this week if you're watching this publicly in South Shield so the Friday and the Saturday are sold out added a matinee and at the minute we need some more people in that room and they're all on sale

there might be a few more as well adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows and there's still more to be added oh

Nottingham second date and Birmingham fifth date as well and I've just added Chester oh yeah and Chester for me too I've just added

I've just added Chester and I'm going to record my special at the gig that's Saturday the 19th of November it's probably the last date

that's going to be added to the tour I'm going to do an early show and a late show Can I show a runner? You can be I'd love you all

to be there so I'm recording my first ever special the penultimate night of the tour and it's in Chester at the beautiful place

called St Mary's in a church can i open it for you uh yes you can can i dj it that's booked yeah i'll open that let me break it down so that will be at dan nightingale.com get on me it's been amazing boys very silly end but it was a really good podcast thanks for being being part of it. Carl, have you got the Instagram handle and the Twitter handle of the guy we're about to plug? They're on the screen. Oh, mate, this is just such a touch.

A little bit of basically fan art done by a very talented guy who's made us a music video. Of Paddy the Baddy. This is the catchiest tune you'll ever hear. If you follow us on socials, you might have already seen it. Enjoy this as a little outro and go and check this out because he's put it on Spotify

as a full track as well. And you can find all the details on the screen. They're not there for me right now, but they're there for you because Carl is a magician, even though he's been shite recently. I'm being here. Get on me.

I'm like, proper strange, proper barnet, proper, proper strange, every day, lad, proper strange, you little harlot, proper, proper strange, me. day Yeah, yeah, what? Yeah, lad. Yeah, yeah, what? Yeah, lad. I'm like, proper strange. Proper strange every day, lad.

Proper strange, you little hollis. Proper strange every day. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks.