Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #163 with Phil Nichol - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 14, 2022

UPCOMING SHOW TICKETS @ dannightingale.com & adamrowe.co.uk/showsDan's new Chester city centre comedy club, The CCC, starts on Saturday 11 June. Tickets will go fast. First night is Phil Nichol, Dean Coughlin and our very own Eshaan Akbar with Dan hosting. Tickets at: http://skiddle.com/e/36035568 Checkout the website http://comediansclubchester.com for the rest of the years shows.Vittorio's Edinburgh preview tickets: Manchester:https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/translations-a-work-in-progress-stand-up-show-from-vittorio-angelone-tickets-293221081147Liverpool: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/translations-a-work-in-progress-stand-up-show-from-vittorio-angelone-tickets-292272544047Thanks so much for listening. Give us a follow on socials @haveawordpod and make sure to subscribe to the podcast on your app and to our channel at: YouTube.com/haveawordpod. Full episodes in video on da'tube.And if you'd like an extra episode of our lids, every week, in video and audio... sign upto our Patreon.com/haveawordpod. From as little as £3 a month you get the weekly exclusive ep. and a load of other perks. Enjoy.Just Giving pages for CHECT & Zoe's Place https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hawchecthttps://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/hawzoesplace Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be

legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast with me, Dan Nightingale and... Alright lads! Oh Jesus Christ. And it's Vittorio Angeloni! Is that your scouse? Is that what? All right, lads.

You sounded a bit more Mancunian, actually. All right, lads. Are you going to disagree with me about how I'm doing someone else's accent after the number of times you've cunted my accent up the wall? Yeah, of course. But you've got your accent. Of course I'm going to cunt you because you sound very you. You know what I mean?

Oh, I know it's white on white racism, but you have a very strong specific accent that has been very fun to do over the last few years. And I don't mean it with any disrespect, says a man that's opening his tour in belfast on september 3rd hi everyone you're right uh fourth sorry um i uh i'm very aware of that uh as an opening tour but um be like hello i'm a friend of vittoria is here um but that'll win over half of the northern ir Irish is just too difficult not to do

A little bad A little bad How bad is mine? Is mine bad? It's pretty bad Like it's not great It's not great but it's not fucking terrible Yes, I've heard much worse

I've heard much worse on stage in the West End Oh really? What play was that? The Ferryman. The Ferryman. I love it. What are you going to see tonight for Oreo? The Ferryman!

Like I do every night. It's my culture. Did I ever tell you the best thing I ever saw in a play related to Northern Ireland vaguely? Yeah, you did. All right. Anyway, so thanks for listening. No, go on.

Do you really, As a Northern Irish guy Living in London Go fuck I can't wait To see Northern Irish plays At the West End Oh I've learned my lesson I miss my mommy But I love theatre

I'll miss my momma But I've got culture And theatre I've got the West End But you just hear English actors going Alright ma How's it going And you're like No But I've got culture and theatre. I've got the West End. But you just hear English actors going, all right, ma, how's it going?

And you're like, no, what? Wow. That's fucking terrible. That is actually a play about a Geordie car crash. Hello, man. I got a brain injury. Like, I fucking crashed a food cortina in our wall. Well, I'm going to try. This is what I'm going to promise.

And I don't know if I can stand by this. Rest of the episode, no shit Belfast. No, do it. Because I'll do all sorts of accents. This story, I'll do an Indian accent on this story. That play that I went to see, it's about the Indian Revolution. And it was about the more aggressive side of it than Gandhi but there was a guy playing Gandhi

in the play, I mean like you know full kit Gandhi. He Gandied up? He browned up? Was he brown? Yes of course he was brown. Okay just checking I don't know how long ago you went to watch it. What 100 years? Do you know how

mental it is that Vittorio being here instead of Adam felt less unusual than Finn just being able to talk into a microphone? How absolutely absurd that just felt. And he delivered it so nicely. He's got such a good speaking voice. And he came in and it was well-timed, producer-like. still freaked me out last night at a gig at my gig someone came up to me

after the show and was like do you do radio and i was like no and they were like why do you talk like that then what they said when you do your bits you sound like you're reading the news really oh you're very wooden i'm doing bits like and then i said this and oh no you're not you're not that bad you you're uh you do sound like a joke teller when you do your bits yes you have a format i watched you last week at new bits in liverpool where you've we were fucking brilliant and um weird because we both had the thing around, we've never watched each other do stand-up. You said that to me. You were like, I've never seen you do stand-up.

And I was like, I've never seen you do stand-up. And I've booked you for a lot of gigs on my tour. I've booked Vittorio just solely of the fact that I've seen loads of his videos doing stand-up and they're fucking brilliant. You've been on here in virtually every form of like, you've been a guest, you're now a co-up and they're fucking brilliant uh you've been on here in virtually every form of like you've been a guest you're now co-host and everything and like and also i like hanging out with you but there was a weird moment of like imagine if he walks up and he's just absolutely

dog shit like you were fucking great but you do like i have a very performative storytelling conversational style with character caricatures and whatever yours is a more i've watched yours and it's like it's more like an american influenced yeah like not not full jerry seinfeld or whatever but like a more like it feels like even though you're telling it as an observation or a story it feels like a joke so maybe that's what they mean and i'm trying to get that out of my stand-up because on some level I don't like when my stand-up sounds like stand-up or like you can see the cogs moving

and like, you know, that's the set-up, that's the punchline. Because I like those Irish comedians where it's just a fog of madness. Jason Byrne, Tommy Tiernan. Yeah, when Tommy Tiernan's on stage, it's just a man losing his shit. I have to admit, they're the guys that,

right from the off when I got into stand-up, they're the guys that I was like, I don't know. I want to sit there and go, I don't know what I'm watching. It's a little bit magic. I love that. But there is also something beautiful about the control of like, there's no fat on the jokes. They're well delivered.

I'm getting like, two of my favorite American comics at the moment are Chris DiStefano who is just a ball of energy and he's like it's like he's never said anything before it's like every bit

of material it's like it's like everything he says is new material except that like that 9-11 story that obviously

went viral is one of the best bits of stand-up ever because it's obviously so pertinent to New Yorkers and it was on the anniversary of 9-11 and his mum was in Tower 2 or whatever and he's lived it

and he smashed a fucking chair over some kid's head at a Catholic college that he's at and then his dad, who is a Tony Balls with a Z, is a gangster and comes in to talk to the priest to say, don't expel my son. You're watching the thing going, this is one of the most compelling, funny stories. And then also Chrissy D's got this weird ADHD style where he gets bored of his own story while he's doing it. But you watch it going,

I don't know if you've ever told this story before, or if this is just your style and this is one of the most practiced stories you've got, but your style is like you were saying, this is one of the most practiced stories you've got, but your style is, like you were saying, like mayhem. Yes. And then I also have been watching Mark Normand, who is a real joke teller. Like everything feels like it's in the format of the,

I'll tell you what I noticed. And then I did this. And I think it's all quite appealing. Yeah. But I know which one I, I can only be one of those. I can only be the Chrissy D. I just haven't got the control to do the other. I think I'm trying to do the one

that I'm not necessarily naturally inclined to. Because when there's a bit of smoke and it just sounds like ranting, I think the punchlines can hit better. Because once you get into the rhythm of a joke, the audience is like, oh, da-da-da-da- joke the audience is like oh and they kind of see it but whereas when it's just come and when chrissy d just hits you with like a line and a

line and it just sounds like a story but all the writing's there all the jokes are in all the jokes always have to be in there they're just it they're not quite as clearly like labeled joke are they yeah you want you watch uh the real joke tellers You start getting their rhythm and a crowd starts going, I know where the punchline will be. And I remember being in New Zealand at the comedy festival. And over there, they really like to know when you think the punchline is. I hear that. It's like, I'm not slagging off the Kiwi crowds,

but I was like, I had stories that were bits that were like observations within a performance. Like, and they didn't have like, in the end, want you to go fuck that's funny like i i didn't know exactly where the punchline was i just i just developed these bits some of them were just funny for the sake of the like the funny and kiwi crowds like i'm not sure what you just did there like they weren't sure where it was and then there's guys like mark norman jerry seinfeld or oh any like gary delaney's doing proper jokes but the guys who it looks like a conversational observational delivery but it had crowds really like the rhythm of like oh now we know and then there's the other side of that where i think it becomes a bit too formulaic i've slagged him off

on here before i'm sure he's a nice man. But Andy Parsons, it's too much, man. And you're like, oh my God. Every joke starts with a And then the crowd like Once they hear it hey hey hey

they're like that's a punchline you could honestly have never learnt like like you a foreign person who's never learnt

any English without even having other audience members around him could work out when the end of Andy Parsons like where the laugh is

because hey hey hey hey hey oh I've really loved it so are you changing your and it could work out when the end of Andy Parsons, like where the laugh is. He, he, he, he, he, he, he. So are you changing your delivery in Australia then? Or is it kind of the same? Ah, Finn, great question. Thanks for asking. I'm glad we got you a microphone. Great input there.

Fuck Carl. And shut car. And love you, mate. I'm never going back, Finnn that's the answer there yeah i have found a lot of success in a podcast studio with you bellends 20 minutes from my household i've done my stint of the old international tours until laura leaves me and then i'm packing my bag and fucking going everywhere but i i was 10 years in seven eight years in when i first got to new zealand to the comedy festival i didn't i wasn't like oh my style that i've been doing since i started stand-up i've just do the other no i mean like i didn't have i just didn't have another gear

you have to just sort of get on with it and go god yeah also i was new the next time i went i was just a better comic and i was playing a smaller room where they'd just come to see me and that was fucking amazing but the big room comedy that i initially did in new zealand yeah it did feel like i didn't quite have the right rhythm for it in truth some of my bits weren't that funny that's the that's the thing i sort of probably didn't know at the time looking back i probably do know that but uh yeah have you been to uh have you done any foreign gigs because that is the trajectory of where you're going no i once you sort your wooden rhythm out you're really gonna and here is another joke of me i will not relinquish my rate to deliver punchlines in this rhythm i think it

comes from gigging in london though because all you get is fucking five minutes five minutes five minutes five minutes and the stage time's so tight all the time that unless you want to spend your whole set on one premise i just rinse through premises i'm so bad at developing jokes right for longer sets to like when when you're talking about, oh, I've got this bit, I think it'll be like a 10 minute bit at the end of my show. And I'm like, my longest bit,

I think is two minutes long. Yeah. Because your longest gig is 10 minutes in London. That's it. Yeah. I did my first 10 at the comedy store last week. Yeah, you don't do one bit at your first 10 at the comedy store.

No, I got a big boo though. Really? what you were what you talked to me about in the car yeah i did the ukraine the ukraine joke they knew they were they were good jokes the ukraine joke no that wasn't what got the boo oh right yeah you were like fuck ukraine i'm a bit edgy yeah but it's funny because i have like like, in the opening of my set, I have, like, a Paralympics joke, a Ukraine joke, and then I go into this thing that, like, mentions the Choco Brothers, and then I go, oh, rest in peace. And then they were like, oh.

And I was like, is that the fucking line? Like, I did a whole Paralympics joke, and you were like, ha, ha, ha. But you're like, the Choco Brothers, enough of this offensive comedy, okay? And then they all just started going. But I don't know the disabled person. I miss Barry Chuckle. Hang on. No disrespect.

I don't know. It's Barry. Yeah. Is Barry gone? Yeah. Barry's gone. That's the B sound. I've got no.

I've got no. I went to press it and it's... Barry Chuckle's dead. I am Adam. He's not here. Fuck him. But I had to give... So after my set,

I'm on in the first half after Mick Ferry, actually, which is annoying because I didn't really get to watch him. No, you were concentrating. I was shitting myself down. Go to the back of the room and I'm just standing there watching and then a man of Asian descent I was shitting myself Go to the back of the room And I'm just sat there watching And then a man of Asian descent

Wasn't expecting it Came up and said No collapses Beside me How did he collapse? Couldn't you make that sound? That's Nelson Mandela Isn't it I don't know what

What part of the nation You're like Oh my god I recognise him from Uganda Sorry go on So he Collapses

A fellow performer An artist He slowly You know like When someone like Slowly like Copes someone, like, slowly, like, copes and just, like, folds it into the floor. Like, sort of crumples. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, oh, shit. Because I am a first aider, technically, but, like, fucking. Yeah, but you're a first gigger. I've never had to do it. Oh, no. You're not in your first ten at the comedy store that's the awful thing comedians are so vacuous and like i need to get progression like he's dying i love but i've not even done i've got i've got i've not even done the ukraine bit i'm still getting over barry chuckle

this isn't when i'm on stage this is when i'm at the back right cozy jones is on stage okay cool smashing it doing really well back of the room this guy like stacks it and then i go over to him just like oh i made it okay just trying wake him up and the bouncer goes are you a doctor and i was like i was just over there like 20 minutes ago now do you think i'm a fucking doctor and he was like but i was like you'd already been on yeah i'd already been you'd already been on. Yeah. I'd already been, you'd already been on. This guy was like, I have no idea who you are.

Cause I tell you what, you're not. You must have a day job. You must have a day. I've just seen you perform, but are you a doctor? Like, I'm just worried about your income.

So he stacked it, and then I kind of shake him and go, are you all right, man? He was like, yeah, man. I was like, what the fuck's going on? And I was like, do you know where you are? And he was like, yeah, the comedy thing. And I was like, all right. Has he had a heart attack, or has he just stoned?

What's happened? So I was like, how many drinks have you had? And he was like, just one What's happened So I was like How many drinks have you had And he was like Just one or two And I was like I don't know I don't know What the fuck's wrong

With this guy So I go Do you reckon We could sit up And he was like No I'm just gonna sleep here For a couple minutes And I was like

Mate that's not an option You're currently at the back Of the comedy store This isn't gonna work And he goes Alright okay And then we get him sat up. Me and the bouncer pick him up to try and just get him outside for some air because it was just hot and it's packed.

It's like 400 people all rammed in. And we go to walk him towards the door and he just goes again. And he just completely, like, stacks it back down again. He lies down. I put him in the recovery position. And then he gradually wakes up again. I'm like, hey, mate, you just took another little tumble there and then we get him upstairs eventually anyway get him up and his glasses had come off and i gave him his glasses back and it was like you know the opposite of those kung fu movies where

the guy takes off his glasses and he's suddenly yeah opposite glasses on he was like i'm fine what he's grand he's absolutely fine absolutely fine get him up get him out get him a drink of water and he go upstairs upstairs, glasses on. He's like, yeah, man. Just had a panic attack. It was just very claustrophobic. Very kind of... So, wow.

I didn't know panic attacks sort of like showed themselves like that. I thought if you had a panic attack, he basically went really drunk and sleepy. He fainted, basically i i go to when i have anxiety attacks i get super sleepy i fell asleep in three of my gcses what did you do well so yeah i asked them but i had like what a fight or flight that is oh no i feel stressed anytime i have good night anytime i have loads goodnight anytime I have loads of shit today I'm like

no this is gonna be stressful so sleepy just trying to fight like keep my eyes open you'd be great if you were driving

if you lost control of a car at 80 miles an hour oh no rock-a-bye baby he was asleep at the wheel but not when it started to go wrong

I don't know where he got the fucking pillow from But we get him upstairs And then I go back into the green room And it was so funny I went there And I was like Oh Rosie Like I only saw the first half

Because this guy fucking collapsed And without missing a beat She goes Is it because I was crushing it so hard Yeah it was He had a panic attack He was like Oh no He was like, oh no.

He was like, oh! Not a fan of women in comedy. It just challenged every belief we had. Like, oh no. Oh my God,

she's excellent. She's objectively excellent. He'd rather stack it. I just picked Vittoria up from the station and had an episode myself. Very upset. I don't know how it's happened. I'm very upset with how that played out. The station's a stressful place at times.

Is that what it was? Will they just finish Runcorn fucking station? Talk about... Oh my God. Talk about trying to fucking put glitter on a shit. When was the first time I was here? Two years ago? Yeah.

November 2020. Encyclopedia. I don't need your story. He was my second episode. All right, cool. I thought you were genuinely my second episode. Gunning for Carl's job.

Another man has actually done some research. Yeah, and it's always just a remit of the better. I think they are. Why? It's just not quick enough. No, I'm the wrong corn. I got a bit defensive. Someone It's just not quick enough. No harm to Runcorn. I got a bit defensive.

Someone on the train on the way up was like, oh, yeah, Runcorn's a bit of a shithole to the person. I know, I did. And I was like, how fucking dare you? We have a lot of listeners from Runcorn, and I'm sure some of them get a bit pissed off with us slagging it off. Like, I'm from nowhere better. Like, Preston is.

Like, shout out, Preston. Runcorn. Just, like, working class northern town and everything that's fine i'm not i'm not i'm not above it in any way just finish your fucking railway station for the love of shit it's just a bit of pave i was just watching these builders just wander around like you know when like fucking contractors are like yeah i didn't do that they just fucking pick a brick up and stick it somewhere you lazy fat luminous fuck stick it somewhere two years fucking stick it somewhere you deckhead you built the fucking mersey flow there's a now a redundant bridge there's the ripoff bridge and these cunts can't get paving down in front of runcorn station, which is a two-platform station with a waiting room for eight people.

Like, just finish the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. So I'm parking up outside a nursery. I've been called a nonce so many times on this thing. I actually have this, I had this thing of like, probably shouldn't park near a nursery. Just in case someone from the podcast goes, hey, Dan, you fucking nuts.

And I'm like, parked up next to a nursery. Someone who were there sort of drove past and looked at me like, why are you parked there? And I'm sure she's thinking, it's double yellow lines. But in my head, it was like, damn, there you go. Get away from the nursery. I'm CRB checked. I've got kids.

So I moved into a frankly unsafe place to park. Victoria was coming out. I'd got a little kind of iron brew, no sugar energy, you know, because we're here. Two of the fucking,

two of the king lids are not here today. So Dan's come to compete. That's what we're doing. We're going to do his voice and potentially Gandhi's several times more. It's going to be a great episode.

Phil Nicol is a fucking legend, but I don't want to do this without caffeine but a second one just in case and it managed to roll onto like you know the the metal bits that the the seat in a car is sort of stuck to tracks yeah yeah there's obviously a bit of a corner so just as i went to sort of clean up the area for vittoria one of these just hit the metal bit and you know when no you know when a can you know when a can gets pierced you know if you do it on purpose yeah but it was such a large hole it was comical you could honestly try a thousand times to make a hole and to make a spout of fucking fizzy orange toxic shit. It was like an iron brew dolphin was in the front.

So I should have just let it roll on the floor. Because who cares? It's black. I lifted it up to save it. And there was just like an arc. Like you'd want to race? It went all was just like an arcing. Like you'd won a race. It went all over the ceiling of the car.

I was driving away and like Vittorio was laughing at me. And I went to brake and droplets had formed on the ceiling and they dropped onto my jeans

because there was so much fluid on the ceiling of my BMW. Which, by the way, I i'm selling i'm trying to sell do an advert someone will want it a week before i'm gonna sell it i've fucking sprayed it's clearly toxic scottish jizz this is the i don't even know what this is It's not meant for your inside It's definitely not meant for the roof of your fucking car Good god

It's going to smell weirdly tangy How's it going to look like a Rolls Royce? Show them the Rolls Royce And you've got all the little lights above You've just got loads of specks of sugar Yeah, yeah You can just sell it off as a Rolls Royce instead Actually, it's a no-show It's's 20 grand if anything um so yeah i was absolutely fuming with that

i'm getting a uh i'm getting a bigger car yeah yeah i want to be i want to um i want a bmw x5 nice really put off by what carl said that they're drug dealers' wives' cars. So every time I see one that's really well looked after, if it's white, I won't buy it. I actually think they look good. 10, 12-year-old BMW X5s look really smart in white, but every time I see one on AutoTrade or eBay, I'm like, fucking drug dealers' wives' car. Carl, it's so funny what he instantly takes like hatred against

he's like no what fucking drug dealer's why and i can't get it out of my head so i'm now looking for a black one or metallic gray that looks less like or i'm not and now i've just devalued my car by 1500 quid like a fucking bell and i don't know i need some i need you know i need some of the boys to get in there we have special cleaning product yes it take away all stains and also blind yevgeny if you've just arrived from ukraine and you want a job yeah get on cleaning downs i was a cardiologist Audiologist in Kiev. Amaleklin. What even is this drink? I have never seen this. I have just less water on Ukraine, but I don't understand. Is it orange?

It's so orangey. It doesn't smell of orange. Last time I saw liquid this color, Chernobyl. Where did you get this? What reactor failed? I don't even know what Iron Brew is but it seems to fucking work

seems to work yeah man have you done broad gigs have you done I mean you're gonna want to aren't you you're 25

you want to get out there yeah and the furthest I've done is Dublin so I mean and Dublin crowds are just very similar to London crowds

my Dublin show is nearly sold out for the tour which you'll be supporting me at is it Whelans it's Whelans yeah

Belfast is only on sort of 30-35 tickets so if you fancy it if you want to come see me on tour Vittorio is supporting me on my Irish leg it's the start of the

it's the start of the tour and I'll be at the Limelight on Saturday the 4th of September Belfast crowds are weird though I think some Belfast comedy audiences

Get dead protective Of like Belfast comedians And even I'm Because I don't live there Right They're like We go to see the people

That don't leave Oh god And only gig here Oh shit Because you can't Fucking leave Okay You left Oh I'm taking A fucking Dyke jumper Oh god And only gig here Oh shit Cause you can't fucking leave Okay You left

Oh I'm taking a fucking Dyke jumper Oh no I should have bought one A dyke jumper You're not like the evil Evil Knievel of lesbians I get it

I know exactly What just happened there Right Leslie Lie down Vittorio and his BMX Woo right leslie lie down like you left i should have bought one of the local lads i left before i even started stand-up i don't know what i've done wrong i couldn't figure out you should have moved back as soon as you even wrote a joke christ i fucking love belfast i'm gonna perform this in

belfast and nowhere else when i started going back at first i didn't really know how to do belfast gigs because my whole comedy uh initial bit was in london and i was just the belfast guy you know what i mean like you haven't like an angle on stuff when you're starting out particularly and you're like all my jokes you have a couple of angles don't you you're called vittorio angeloni and you're from belfast and you sound like that i mean that's not you can't not deal with that it's not even it's not a choice i just have to talk about it straight away yeah yeah i've tried not to i'll try and do a gig where I don't mention my accent and I don't mention my name

and the whole crowd just sits there going, what the fuck? Fucking hell. So what happens when you get to Belfast? Well, you can't be the Belfast guy. No. Because it's everyone. They're pretty territorial about that, apparently.

And also... Fuck you, you're not. Every cunt's the Belfast guy. Right. So I'm just coming back going, this is what it's like over there and they fucking hate that as well so you have to reframe everything there's different ways but then i still have jokes that i'll write and go that'll kill it in belfast but there's too

much explaining to do in london like there's jokes i have about i started playing for east belfast gaa over the lockdown. Right. And like, if I said East Belfast GAA to someone in Belfast, they go, oh, that's fucking mad. It doesn't make any fucking sense to you. It's a, it's a,

basically a Protestant GAA club. What's a GAA club? Like Gaelic football. Oh, it's Gaelic football and hurling. Which is a predominantly. In lockdown? Yeah. In London?

No, no, in Belfast. Right. I honestly thought East Belfast GAA had like a London branch. No, no, no, no. And it's only just started. It's the first ever, well, it's like in recent times anyway, cross-community Gaelic club because it would be hugely predominantly Catholic for those sports.

Like if I were a GAA top in like the wrong area of Belfast, it's like having I'm a Catholic on your forehead. Right. Okay. So let me just like East Belfast is very Protestant. Yep. But curling. Curling?

Curling. Hurling. Hurling. It's not the fucking ice one. I'm being culturally insensitive, but he's white. Curling and Gaelic football. Hurling. Hurling. And Gael white Curling and Gaelic football Curling Curling

And Gaelic football And Gaelic football Predominantly Like Hugely predominantly Catholic Irish Yeah Right

Oh okay And it exists as a whole Yeah yeah yeah So Croke Park is That stadium isn't it Yeah Yeah yeah And it's all amateur

The whole way up But then So they've set up this club To try and be like Hey Protestants can do stuff as well and uh i love it i love it on northern ireland the year 2022 come on now gotta let these proddy boys you know have a little go wait show me give them fucking sticks jesus christ is it safe to give a protestant a stick it doesn't seem it they'll only use them you know what they're like but people were freaking out and i went to

the first training session and i you can spot the protestants generally how i've met if i talk to someone from belfast for more than 30 seconds i can tell you whether they're a catholic or protestant and i don't have to ask it's not like I've gone are you a Catholic or a Protestant is that a superpower you all have or is that just you but how is that possible it's not, is it how they wear the socks or something

no no no, they're shed crack Protestants have no banter Protestants have no banter if you mention the UDA and like the fucking oh my god. Right. What? I don't understand though. So they set up East Belfast DA and I

So you came in and you were the first Protestants to play. Well I'm a Catholic. Right. I'm a fucking half Irish, half Italian. No of course you are. But hang on but so they were letting the Protestants in for the first time. And it was encouraged for the Protestants to play and listen if you're a Protestant you could have played for other clubs

before that but it just wasn't the whole point of this club is to be inclusive it's like civil rights America this is 50 years later was it going to be a remember the titans the only shame is these films have already been made Denzel Washington's done it Get Denzel back involved for fuck's sake

So I remember I was at one of the first training sessions And I kind of spotted this Protestant guy And I just wanted to check in To make sure he wasn't freaking out I was like Oh man how are you getting on? How are you finding it? And straight away

Yeah that's what they look like Alright And he went My wife thinks I'm cheating on her and i went what and he went i told her that i was coming to play for a protestant ga club and she doesn't believe that any of this exists wow so we apparently tried to prove it to her because you know in gaelic football you have to like kick the ball back up into your hand called a toe tap or a solo oh yeah i love a toe tap or a solo yeah yeah i mean i call hurling curling but i really know gaelic football the ins and outs of it but he tried to show her in the living room and just put the ball across the room she's like you're cheating i'm doing it i'm just shit give me a chance they're all there and they're like

premier league football tops And we're like That's fucking foreign sport That's disgusting So these These Protestant lads Are trying Like has he Ever

Has he ever played it before Or he's just given it a go None of them have ever Played it before I tell you what The funniest thing is Is this And they'll get

Fucking kneecapped If anyone finds out There was bomb scares At the trainings What? Yeah people were so angry about it People, Protestants were so angry about the This is mental

Yeah there was bomb scares They were like We found like wires under a car And we had to evacuate the pits When? Like last year Oh for God's sake Your gig's gonna be great

This is all underpinned By adam rowe making me walk out belfast limelight to god save the queen the british national how do you think that would actually go down if that if that's what he picks it'd be funny other because there's a there's a podcast in belfast called the mudblood podcast and it's a Protestant guy And a Catholic guy And they would do Tour support for each other And they do that to each other Right

And it's dead funny And it'll be alright Yeah I mean Hopefully Yeah You know Someone from the real IRA

Doesn't just fancy Giving an English comedian A shot on a Saturday night In Belfast that night I'm banking on the fact That everyone in there Is like Yeah he's a bellend And his mate's a bellend English comedian a shot on a Saturday night in Belfast that night. I'm banking on the fact that everyone in there is like, yeah, he's a bellend and his mate's a bellend. This is funny. Yeah, of course.

It's going to be fine. The insane people don't leave the road that they grew up on. It would be unusual. Like, if you're in the IRA and you've been in a sleeper cell, it's not likely that on a Saturday night you're like, I'm'm gonna go and see some fucking comedy Who's this?

An English lad Well you know everything's forgiven God save Too far I fucking knew these cunts would do that If anything it's probably what they think we walk out to I fucking knew it Start of every comedy show in England

Just everyone stand up Alright okay That's how they do it. Start of every comedy show in England. Just everyone stand up. All right. Okay. Bastards. Fucking brilliant. Well, hey, good luck to that kid who's trying toe tapping for the first time. Oh my God. That young Protestant who's now been divorced by his wife. The funniest bit is the spectators who've never been to the Gaelic Games in their because they don't know what the chair at do you know what i mean can i just ask what are the protestants playing just rugby and football rugby hockey is massively protestant i

have a thing where if you name anything in the world i can tell you whether it's protestant or catholic and give a valid reason as to why right okay name a thing kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi kabaddi do you remember kabaddi oh no it's well before your time i'm very young channel four i remember it the little like isn't it like british bulldog it's it's yeah sport it's bangladeshi bulldog basically yeah yeah um okay um any sport anything anything yeah hopscotch very protestant why why very protestant who's tell you why protestants love painting curbstones blue white and red in their areas left over paint one two three there we go i am i am that's why i am brew i am brew i would say protestant because it's scottish and the protestant community from northern One, two, three. There we go. Iron Brew. That's why. Iron Brew. Iron Brew. I would say Protestant because it's Scottish and the Protestant community from Northern Ireland

were moved over from Scotland. Okay. Bum sex. Bum sex. Very Catholic. It's like our thing, isn't it? Because you don't want like a ninth child, so. No, because priests are class. I don't.

Very good. Very good. I didn't understand all of the jokes we made in that section. Well over my head. I didn't understand all of them. I tried to play along with a lot of them. And I tell you this, I would absolutely love

to be if we ever get over over the water I'd love to do a Patreon special where we try and get Adam and Carl

playing Gaelic football that would be fucking brilliant and hurling's the one where it's like there's the thing

little ball hurl the hurl yeah and you fucking twat it and you can score through the post and can you score a goal yeah so it goes Like, there's the thing... Little ball. Hurl. The hurl. Yeah. Slitter. Fucking twat it. And you can score through the post and can you score a goal?

Yeah, so it goes three points over the bar is one point. In Gaelic football, you've got to run for so long and then tap it up to yourself. Four steps. You can either bounce it or kick it back up into your hand.

But you can't bounce it twice. Ah, fucking quality. That's class. I'd love a go on that. But those Protestantant spectators Funniest thing ever They don't know They're like

Random shit'll happen They'll be like Knock on Fucking handball Do what they're doing They look like Do you ever Don't know if you've ever

Experienced this Like when you go to Christmas mass But you haven't been To mass in fucking ages And they've changed All the words And you're like

Pure like kneeling At the wrong time Standing up I can see you He's not been for a while. He's like, and with your spirit and all this shit and it's fucking, that's what they look like.

Right. Yeah. All right. Cool. I'm looking forward to it. That's going to be us. Let's have a little, let's have a little break

and we'll speak to some fucking contributors. I don't know. I've never said that before. That's odd. I'm under a lot of pressure. I've just devalued my car by 1500 quid fuck hello everyone let's talk about one of our sponsors today it's nord vpn now i don't know loads about vpns but the man to my left here is addicted to the internet and he's an expert see the fact that you don't use vpn for your private little danny time

is insane to me it's the most secure way to save the internet you can set your location to anywhere on the planet and that means you get access to like you can change it to america you get american netflix you can change it to like saudi arabia and you get to watch the premier league football with the six saudi arabian commentators on you get to watch premier league football that's at three o'clock that you can't get over here it's just a sick way of tricking your computer or any device into thinking you're anywhere in the world you i can't recommend it enough and the fact that they're now a sponsor and i get a membership of north vpn for free is it's my favorite sponsor i've had so far apart

from manscape because they help me shave my balls the deal is a two-year deal plus one month for just 65 quid 89 which is about 65 quid it's an amazing deal it is at nordvpn.com slash have a word code word have a word go and get it watch the footy watch whatever you want tell your computer where you are he doesn't get to tell you where you are my computer computer sometimes looks at me without my VPN. I'm like, hey, where in Liverpool are you? And I'm like, no, you're not. You're in Belarus. Nailed it.

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Join for free at Rakuten.ca or get the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. or get the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N. I don't think we've ever been as efficient as this as a podcast. It's just because Adam Rowe is just the difficult man to get in the room, off the couch, off his phone and recording. Between all three of us, it feels like it takes a long time.

And this podcast will maybe not hit the heights that old fucking rowy bags can hit. But I tell you what, it will finish on time. And it will have a full stomach. We might even squeeze in a Nando's before the legend that is Phil Nicol gets here. It was amazing being able to walk in and be like, can we just start?

And everyone's like, yeah, we can just start. What was it like without Adam? Not maybe quite as good, but I tell you what. That's all I'm here for. So yeah, Adam's on tour. Obviously, we know that,

but he's up in Scotland doing Glasgow, Edinburgh, and I think he's doing South Shields and then they've managed to book Cardiff on the end of it which is how you know Adam booked the tour

I don't need anyone he nailed it such a bad accent I know he nailed it for that whole week and then bang Cardiff at the end just a bit of a pig

of a drive right at the end and Carl has gone with him so we miss our boys hope they're having fun uh if you uh got to see him this week i'm sure you enjoyed tweet about it message about it let people know that you've been to see adam on tour those tweets really do fucking help those messages those putting things on your story on instagram i know we ask for it um but it really does help spread the word

and also sell tickets for Adam's tour. I think there's a total of, just check, 14 tickets left for the whole tour. My tour starts in September and there is a few more available. I've got a big announcement to make. I'm starting a comedy club in Chester. I'm starting a regular circuit comedy club where I compare it. We've got

four Saturdays between now and the end of the year. And then we will be going monthly from there on in. I'm running it with my mates, Antonio and Rummy, who are my mates from Chester, who I've known since the laughing days 10 years ago, stayed in touch with them, and they've constantly mentioned about wanting to get back into comedy. All joking aside, I don't want to go to New Zealand and Australia anymore. I've got my family, I've got this, and I'm building that. The tour is amazing that I get to spend September, August, November, and hopefully do that every year and do this for the rest. But I want a monthly Saturday gig in the wonderful city that I live.

I love Chester. It's a great place to hang out. And it's got a weekly comedy night on a Friday at Alexander's that Danny Mac books. But I think it's wide open on a Saturday. So I found this amazing space. It's called St. Mary's. It used to be a church.

And they've turned it into a creative space and so from june the 11th we will be running a saturday night there we've got august 20th we've got september the 24th and saturday november the 26th so there's four saturdays available the ticket links will be available in the YouTube comments. I'll have those set up. The first show on June the 11th is going to be headlined by today's guest, Phil Nicol, which makes me look like a very organized person, but that's just how it fell. He applied for it this week. So I'm really excited. It holds 200 people. The church is absolutely beautiful. And I'm just booking this gig to right all the wrongs of 20 years of gigging for Bellends who didn't know how to. 20 years of turning up going, what the fuck is this venue?

What the fuck is this bill? I want to run a gig where real comedy fans, fans of this podcast, but also fans of comedy in the Northwest and from Chester get to go. Listen, we don't like all the comedy nights available. We're not a big fan of this one or that one. But Dan runs a really good comedy night. And I'm hoping it's going to take off. So Phil Nicol is headlining the first.

Scott Bennett's headlining August the 20th. September the 24th is headlined by Phil Taylor. Phil Taylor. Phil Taylor. Phil Taylor. We booked Phil Taylor Phil Taylor Phil Taylor yeah I mean I wanted Finn Taylor to you know the brilliant comedian

that's been on the podcast but we actually got Phil Taylor the 14 time world champion who's in charge me or the devil and Carl

and Carl Donnelly is oh you're doing September as well aren't you most important me and phil so we've got a darts player and a gaelic footballer that's more of a sportsman's dinner september

because you didn't say and november the 26th is uh carl donnelly we booked it catholic or protestant church st mary's oh it can be both can't it uh do you need to find out? Do you really need? That would be amazing. I want an amazing skill. Whatever church it is, I can decide if it's Catholic or Protestant. So that's starting on June the 11th. I would love it if you came and had a look.

I don't know how it's going to sell, but as ever with all of these things, the first people to hear about it are going to be the patrons who are watching this episode on saturday on the early release and then we'll see how the tickets are going i will also post about it on patreon and see how the tickets are going it's going to be called the comedians club chester i'm hoping it's going to become known as the triple c have a fucking look very excited about that it's gonna be great also it's next to my favorite pub in chester oh sick so we're gonna do uh we're gonna do a show and then go and it's just an excuse to booze with my mates as i'm explaining like it's a place where

comedy phones get to go i also want to have a pint in the eagle with all of my mates are you doing it or i'm comparing everyone. So I'm pretty much done with comparing apart from these nights that I'm putting on, like the new material night in Liverpool, which is a regular. Manchester, we've done one. I'm not sure when the next one is. I'll announce those as they go.

But the Saturday, hopefully the monthly Saturday is going to be like my regular comparing gig. Lovely. So have a fucking look at that i can tell it's gonna be well set up because it's so funny when i came up and did that liverpool gig and you gave me a lift and it's just in your fucking car dan's so jaded by the circuit and shit promoter he's got a full fucking rig for a comedy club in the back of his boot even though yeah they didn't need they don't need it oh he's got a stool a mic stand lights a mic he's just got everything he's like trust no one just just been just been i've been

let down by so many numpties who like you make you feel like good you're making your living off this putting gigs on really why are the lights facing the audience? Why is that dude's chair facing the front row? I've done so many gigs where there's a guy sat next to me facing the front row. You're like, what the fuck is he doing here? Like, he's sat there. Like, he's, you know, late night TV when the interpreter gets up for the fucking death.

Like, it's literally like there's a guy sat next to you who's about to go, okay, sorry. Fucking idiots. So I like to just organise it properly yeah you're going to do a tour preview at phase one

and you're doing it in Manchester as well yes Liverpool Manchester and this is the announcement this is a preview of my Edinburgh show an hour long

the show's getting fucking great and I'm doing it a bunch of times before these as well 26th of June in in manchester at gulliver's 27th of june at phase one in liverpool use the code word word you're gonna discount really if you're a patron of this you're the first person to fucking hear about it and it goes on sale when this episode goes out he's one of ours isn't he and with the comed, there is no discount. You're the only fuckers

that are going to be able to buy tickets. I'm genuinely probably not going to tweet about it. But also the Manchester venue is fucking tiny. I think it seats 35 people. So get the tickets. It'll just sell out. Go and see Vittorio. He's one of our own.

And I watched him work last week. Fucking brilliant. I'll say this. This is the biggest testament I can say to your comedy. I didn't regret booking you for tour support. There you go. There you go. One of the best comedian,

wooden comedian, Gaelic footballers ever. And I think Phil Taylor, Phil the Power Taylor, is going to really appreciate it. Having done that, Bill. Pinocchio, they call me. Go on.

Wooden. That's good. I thought you were going to do, I thought you were going to do Catholic or Protestant on Pinocchio they call me Go on Wouldn't That's good I thought you were going to do I thought you were going to do Catholic or Protestant On Pinocchio Catholic is Italian Oh yeah of course Pinocchio

Alright let's do Let's do All Disney characters The Little Mermaid Little Mermaid Ginger Catholic See you later

Alright okay Moana Moana Ooh What are those like Because they're are those like uh because they're like some someone like yeah they're like pacific islanders they probably have their own shit going on but i really we've actually found something that he's struggling to make sectarian oh my moana protestants don't like tattoos

so moana's catholic yeah i don't even think that's a thing I just made it up we're not questioning you we all bought it that's a well known fact well known fact they keep finding fucking bombs at like tattoo artists

we've got a question Ian Metcalf says Lids read an article yesterday about an old couple from Hull who asked for a refund for a comedy club in Blackpool as they didn't feel safe traveling due to the war in Ukraine. Question mark, question mark, question mark.

My question for you is what's the biggest bullshit lie you've ever told and heard? Um, just before we do your question, Ian, it was phenomenal. It was the comedy station in Blackpool, which is run by a pal of ours called Ryan Gleeson,

who's done a fucking great job dragging up the alternative comedy scene in Blackpool from nearly nothing, because Blackpool's still got like two feet in the old mainstream. And there's loads of people in Blackpool and the surrounding areas that want proper stand-up yeah and without ryan i just don't think that will be happening circuit wise but he's um he puts every ounce of his heart and soul and his wife there's as well into that comedy club but watching him deal with complaints and fuckwits he does it very visibly because he's a comedian and he just he just cunt it he cunts

people off in some of the best ways possible like and he screenshots everything and he shows the response he doesn't hold back like he's he knows exactly what his remit is as a the manager and owner of an alternative comedy club in blackpool it's to weed out the fuck knuckles yes and he does it so well jesus but they were like i can't we can't drive on the m62 from hull with putin like what the fuck do you think you think like russia aren't invading ghoul like chill the fuck out who's on the left vladimir uh the klitschko's's Andrei Shevchenko M62 very good very good

where shall we hit the supply line for the Ukrainian army no I think we Leeds East Services this is Dan Nightingale that fucking prick

keeps going on about it has a KFC and a Nando's we'll take out many cunts oh my god I hope they don't attack Leeds And Nightingale, that fucking prick, keeps going on about it. Has a KFC and a Nando's. We'll take out many cunts. Oh my God, I hope they don't attack Leeds. Is it Skellhorn? Fucking love that service. Oh, that was beautiful.

Oh my God. What the fuck just happened? I know, I... Did you all just come over a fucking service? You've not seen it. It's worth it. Is it Skellhorn Lake? Yeah, I think so.

I'd like to do a live show at that services. It'd be fucking brilliant. Doable. In the food court. Question for you is, what's the biggest bullshit lie you've ever told and heard? I mean, I think excuse it. I think rather than doing lies,

I think we should do excuses because they're trying to use the war in Ukraine as an excuse to get a refund. Fuck knows why. I saw a kid late for a class. He was so late that we were in the first hour of lessons and he came in the class. It was religious studies and it was Mr. Whitmore.

Boggy Whitmore was teaching us. He's the most boring cunt ever. But all the teachers had forms that they did the register for, sort of like quarter to nine till nine. So he was so late that he'd missed that completely and was walking in after the start of our lesson, but realised he had to go and see his form teacher

to be like, I'm here. And he walked in looking dishevelled. And Mr. Whitmore, to be fair, didn't bollock him. He was like, what? He was like jenkins how are you this late and the kid was like was cycling against the breeze and just the way he delivered it he kind of got away with it but i think mr whitmore kind of went fair fucks that's such a bold lie. Sorry, the headwinds. They were untenable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Storm Dudley just hit on his bike ride to fucking school.

The rest of the school got in intact, but he was like, mate, that headwind, absolute nightmare. He better have looked like fucking E.T. Got away with it, though. I think Mr. Whitmore was like, cool, no worries about it. At least you fucking thought of something. I had a good one for being late once he was a physics teacher i arrived like 20 minutes late for the lesson whatever and i just just get that sorry sorry

um uh yes physics teacher was taking the register in the morning and i go in and i'm late and he's like why are you late? And I was like, well, the thing is, sir, I'm not really here at all. Is it philosophy? Oh, you went metaphysical with it. Really fucked with it. I was like, you're a man of science. I was like, okay, you're a man of science. Tell me, of all the possible places I could be in the world,

and even in this room, even between here and here, there's an infinite number of places I could be. Right? So the probability of me being right here, right now, is one divided by infinity. And if you know, man of science, that's zero. Hi. None of us are anywhere, sir.

You must have been a fucking nightmare to teach, you cocky, clever little cunt. Fuck off, Angeloni he did he buy it he was just like sit down sit down didn't you do um when you like music was your thing it wasn't it like you were like at school you were music nuns yeah but i did i did play sport i was captain of the gaelic football team captain of the rugby team But also was in all the You must have got laid When you were young Angelo

I was with one girl From when I was 16 Till I was 20 Oh what a fucking waste I lost it The day before my 16th birthday You're a good looking lad Who can play football

And music Come on I have severe anxiety disorder Right I want to get my tits out Oh my god He's gone to sleep the first time I stayed

in the round of the girls house and her parents didn't know when they came home I had a panic attack and she was like just climb out the window I was like I'm too sleepy

climb out the window and her parents were catholic or protestant um right okay yeah the best because i do some teaching now yeah uh you teach music now yeah just music yeah yeah okay so i teach african drums wow what a classic story on the curriculum i teach yeah i teach african drums in primary schools in east london how does he play african drums really fucking well mate are they catholic or protestant the drums yeah because it's east london so like so many of the kids are african

and if that's not cultural appropriation i don't know what it's east london so like so many of the kids are african and if that's not cultural appropriation i don't know what it's right just like de cambe you're doing it wrong you know there's a deputy head who's like i would love to find an east african drums teacher but this cunt from belfast is the closest we've got to an ethnic minority but what i went in and asked i was we were working on this song and i said to these girls and there's a lot of like muslim kids in the classes and i said to these girls and they're in hijabs and on i said oh have you practiced like over the between last week and this week have you practiced the stuff we've been working on they're like no no and i was like why not and they went you know

it's illegal and what their religion oh those clever little bastards oh that's just that's literally you 10 15 years later you've just come across the same cocky cunt who's got you on a technical just a young girl in a hijab going he hasn't got a fucking chance i'd love to play drums but is it culturally appropriate you know because of islam oh that's right you're white and scared? Fuck you. Oh, clever little bastards. Should we do some would you rathers? This is the house that we built this fucker on.

Adele Phillips says, would you rather have to speak in... It links in beautifully, Adele. Would you rather have to speak in rhyme for the rest of your life or have to speak in riddles for the rest of your life? So, you're cursed by the all-powerful have a word which you've got to go rhyme or riddles is it natural or if you've got to think about it is that is it just when you speak it

naturally comes out in riddles or you know i'm starting to realize that if you don't pick rhyme you are the worst cunt of all time. Oh. A riddle's Protestant or Catholic. This is going to be the whole episode. Look at my dick. What is it? Fucking sore.

I would say Catholic because the riddler wears green. Go on. You can't do the riddles. Having suffered through the episode can't do the riddles having suffered through the episode where we did the riddles yeah I genuinely felt

less intelligent by the end of it I think that's what happened with Dr Seuss right someone was like you gotta pick he was like

I'm rhyming yeah I mean but he you know he did write children's books so it was like I'd go rhyme

I think it's gotta be because there's some of these cunts i think you can make your set work making it yeah i'd probably do corporate work look all sinners whole show now is in couplets but this whole show rhymes what like most of it anyway no and he doesn't give a he says at the start he was like i like stuff that rhymes and i'm like he's like dealt with all this shit with like he's got Parkinson's and all this stuff. And he's like, I don't give a fuck. It's going to rhyme.

It's a great show. The whole thing is like, fuck you. It's rhyming. So just because he's got Parkinson's, he's like, now I'm a poet. So that's how that's going to be. Because you can't hate a poet who's got Parkinson's. Yeah, he does what he wants.

So who are the comedians who do sort of uh white boy hip-hop comedy like chris turner abandonment mc hammersmith seen abandonment yeah yeah yeah brilliant yeah some of those i mean they're basically just very good at rhyming yeah that's all it is it's just it's poetry wearing a hoodie yeah and they've made a lot of money because over here we have not got bored of the like oh you're not meant to do rap like chris turner looks like he's come to fix your fucking computer and then he's like he's actually annoyingly quite good. He makes a lot of money. Go and check Chris Turner out on YouTube. The fuck I make, like the amount of views he's got. And he does corporate work because it's weirdly crowd pleasing.

Yeah, it's high energy and it gets. Chris Turner, I don't, I'm not having a go at Chris Turner, but he's become very successful and he's always, he's always been really sound to me and very nice. But before he started doing the white boy hip hop stuff that just completely, I think he wrote it as a bit.

He was like, oh, I'm quite quick on my feet in terms of just being able to rhyme. So it started as a bit that then became half of his set. And then the other, like the set was so poor compared to him, like going

i'll freestyle a whole rap just give me 10 words yeah and he's so smart i think he went to cambridge or oxford and he's just really quick and also looks dead geeky and it works mc hammersmith has got the same thing but the very first time i gig with him he never seen a more pretentious young comic in a dressing room and i actually think And I actually think it's damaged my perception of it. Even this like 10, 15 years later, we were at a gig in Bishop Auckland for a brilliant promoter called Neil Jolly. And I was the headliner or compare.

There's a couple of acts on. And I'm not saying you can't be yourself. There was just certain thing that like adult comedians are not going to warm to. And he was in the corner, I think he was probably 22, 23, not long out of university. And he had on a thumb ring and he was drinking an Umbongo and reading from a very small leather-bound book of French poetry.

Oh. I genuinely even know from then in, he was very nice to me and we got on quite well. It's really jarring still. I'm like, oh yeah, Chris Turner. Fucking pretension. I've never felt more allergic to an aesthetic and addressing it.

I was like, what the fuck is this? That's so funny. Just fucking obnoxious. Who the fuck? How can you drink an Umbongo pretentiously? I've never seen an Umbongo drunk more obnoxiously. Right, so we'll go rhyme, Adele. We'll go rhyme.

Got to be. Yeah. Dominic McKeown. McKeown? Go on. Got to be. Yeah. Dominic McKeown. McKeown? Go on, it's one of yours. Dominic McKeown. McKeown. As a spin on the lottery fantasy,

would you rather win 10 million on the lottery and have control over every penny or win 50 million and have your partner have full control of the money? The second one. So 10 million. I can't explain to you how fast I would spaff 10 million. Right.

Give it to Izzy and let her fucking make sure I don't fucking die. I would die. If you give me 10 mil, I'd be dead within a week. Do you reckon she would? No, she would, wouldn't she? If she'd give me an alliance, I'm up for it. How patronising would that be? Make me a cap, man.

I don't give a flying fuck. How much, if she's got 50 million and you're on an allowance, how much is reasonable on an allowance? I don't know, but you can't trust me with 10 million. I'll die. I know, but you could kill yourself on 10 grand a month surely for sure right literally giving you 180 quid a week just be careful okay just be careful i'd have to like do you know when you do like expense reports for

like petty cash and a company i'd have to they would all have to be traceable with receipts. It's like, well, do you spend this on fucking pints? Your allowance is cut for next week. Remember it was a maximum of 12 Guinnesses a night. The thing is, Dominic, you misunderstand how marriage works. If I win 10 million, I instantly lose three or four, basically. That misunderstand how marriage works. If I win 10 million, I instantly lose three or four, basically.

That's how it works. I'm such a cunt that I would finagle me getting the lion's share of the money. If we win 50 million and it goes straight into Laura's account, I will definitely see 25 million of that. Because we've got a relatively healthy marriage. And, yeah. It's not like 10 million is... 10 million can't just be mine like that 10 million the mistake is to be like well that 10 million is all yours no it's not though

is it because i live with my wife and she can't be like oh we really need new clothes for the kids as i'm sat on a pile of 10 million pounds going, well, I want it. And Dominic says, it's all mine. Fuck you. And that is... Because that's... It's like the difference between those two amounts of money is too much. Because like, even if your girlfriend's going to be a... Or your partner's going to be a bit of a dick about it.

Like, even if they take 40 mil, you still get the exact same thing as the first one. Plus, you should probably buy some stuff for the house. You know what I mean? Like, you'll get the exact same thing as the first one plus you should probably buy some stuff for the house you know i mean like you'll get some of that other stuff i'd yeah exactly yeah it all has a better knock-on effect so there's so much more and if if honestly if laura having 50 million and going right this is how if she sat me down and went this is how this is going to work on i like you i've been putting up with you though and you've started to really be on my tits recently if i have to hear the phrase podcast one more time she's like i'm keeping 35 million 40 million and i'm fucking off here's your 10 leave me be like if that's what she wanted to

do all along i want her to do that. Like, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be. Take your 40 million. And then I've got 10 million and I'm free. I'm free. I'm free. Yeah, but what if she pays for someone just to, like, put you in a box and there's a chance that she'll just get rid of you?

A box? As in kill you or a box? No, like, she'll just, like, put you in a house somewhere and'll just get rid of you. A box? As in kill you? No, she'll just put you in a house somewhere and you're locked in the house. And she's like, oh, I've got 49 and a half million now because I've paid someone half a million to get rid of you. I love scouts, how they think. Yeah, that's so much money.

Instant Illuminati. Instant Illuminati can put you in a three-bedroom semi in fucking witness under lock and key. That's how millions of pounds are. There is a chance. Yeah, but she's not's not fucking also just because laura wins 50 million she doesn't get a knock from like her local illuminati representatives she like it's virgin media knocking on going hello we're here from your local illuminati.com and yeah like i i'm fine like she's not... I love how she's so suspicious. Could fucking fuck you over, lad.

Sorry, how long have you been with your partner? Four years. Do you reckon there's a chance she... Might want to hide you forever? Hide me forever? And run off with £49 million? No, there's literally... No. No?

No. But the mad thing is, even if she got £50 million, and I've been having this conversation with her recently She still wouldn't let us Hire a cleaner for the house What? The fuck did you just say?

She's like just clean up And I'm like can I just pay someone To do it She's like no no It's like the acts of servitude How people receive love And affection and all that. So that's what she wants. She's not allowed to hire someone.

You know, I work for the money that I would pay. Genuinely, I'm not sure this relationship's got legs and I've spoken to your girlfriend. She seems absolutely lovely. If I want 50, if I want it,

there's so many fucking red flags. Red flags. I'm telling you right now, if I, if there was 50 million pounds on our house the my problem would be i'd have to walk over all of the help to get to another room i would be clambering over nannies and cleaners and gardeners i'd be like so sorry guys i would like it'd be amazing but like a fucking music festival when someone crowd serves that would be me trying to get from one room when someone crowd serves that would be me trying to get from one room to the other because i would employ so much help because i don't want to do any of these jobs with 50 million if she cop blocks you from getting a cleaner what the fuck are you

doing with the 50 million what's the point we well there's other stuff you can get that isn't a cleaner what a robot a robot but i'm now thinking do i get a secret cleaner how often is she out a lot she walks dogs during the day she's an actor but she walks dogs as like a side hustle for money um yeah that is such a horrific testament to the state of being an actor in it she's a she's an actor she's doing pretty well she does walk a lot of dogs though yeah yeah so you've got windows to get the cleaners i didn't know what that's no no i mean you've got figurative windows of time yeah but i don't like the cleaner listen it's 12 pounds an hour But you do have to come up

With the fucking fire exit Yeah you could do that Get it sneaky Get it I don't know if I could spoof her that She'd be like This is great Thank you so much

This is the cleanest It's ever been I'd go yeah Well you can't lie like that Are you a good liar or not No I'm bad Bad bad bad Grow the fuck up Vittorio

Hire a secret grow up and lie to your girlfriend oh my god that's not even real lying that's just making things work what kind of fucking amateur are you employ a Ukrainian

refugee I used to be oncologist. Now I clean fucking Catholic's house. Protestants are not Catholic. I don't know. I just want to come through door, not window. Oh, come on.

You'll be fine. Next time we see each other, the next time you're on the pod, I want to hear that you've got a secret cleaner. Oh, yeah, but we're doing this on a public episode. Oh, it's all banter yeah love you hope things are going well enjoy walking your dogs jokey jokey jokey yeah yeah do you think she'll just do audio uh she'll just do it she's not gonna watch it on youtube unless i set it on and go watch this she'll just do it she's not gonna watch it on youtube she unless i set it on and go watch this she won't watch it right right i don't think but she's a chance she knows you're

on today yeah she's walking dogs and she goes i'll download it no one watches on youtube and walks dogs she's she's listening so i i have a great, we're only joking. Shall we do some... Vittorio, I'm here to help. I can never normally hear this. It's great. It's going to be weird, this, because I don't know if you're in a position to give advice. You can't even lie about secret cleaners.

I'm good at advice. That's not the point of the section, though. Greg Hutton says, Wagwag Lids, I really need your opinion on this. I was at a concert on Saturday where I got chatting to this girl and we hit it off. She started it. She started it?

She started it. We hit it off. She started it? But turns out she had a boyfriend as he came back from the toilet two minutes later the weird thing is

the rest of the concert she was dancing all up on me and grabbed my hand and put it on her ass and putting her hand up my shirt and things like that

this all took place while her boyfriend was about 30 centimetres in front before I felt so bad I stopped it she's now living in my head rent free i want to message her but don't want to ruin her relationship or look like a creep what should i do that's from gregory hutton who probably didn't want his full name read out but if you don't write anonymous you get called greg hutton um what should he do

their relationship's already ruined who's the the girls that's not a good relationship it's also not your problem greg yeah oh she's fucking dirty just gone do something dirty yeah she had a great time the other night do you want me to fuck you in front of your boyfriend what if that's his thing that's the guy good afternoon to you sir good afternoon to you sir on the evening of the live

performance maybe that's the thing he wants to he wants to have his missus fingered and banged but just 30 centimetres behind that's why they've got the sex ruler there you go, you're behind me

is that 30 centimetres? Go for it you want your partner to be desirable to other people and you almost have to prove that to them every so often well what patrice says is like i need to still be able to catch fish as the metaphor is it goes so you can act right right okay so you've got to you've got to be fuckable to keep everything at home so i think he the bit is i don't want a girl who I can send out to the shop at three in the morning and be like, take the alleyway.

I'll be quicker. Jesus Christ. Patrice and some of your social politics. I think both have died. Right. I know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura got her ass fell at a kids disco in edinburgh once

and i've apologized what were you even doing there vittorio at the edinburgh festival it really is frowned upon it's nearly frowned upon as much as me parking outside nurseries in runcorn 25 year old comedians turning up like it's just another show the fact i've got to pass um so we were a kids disco so at the fringe one of the great things you've got your kids up there with you which we did in 2018 etta was about a year and a half old she fucking loved that fringe laura not quite as much um we went to a couple of kids discos like sunday afternoon the venues the the spiegel tent did them we went to a couple there that was one of the best the

best moments ever i taught etta to go like this to to do the whole i'm watching you thing so i taught my one and a half year old cute as a button not talking very well to go just like pointing at her both if you listen on audio pointing at both her eyes and then pointing at someone and going i'm'm watching you and mouthing, I'm watching you. And she did it to a dad who was just sat down at one of these kids' discos. But she did it. It was quite busy.

She was sort of not stood in front of me. She was off to the side. I could see them and I could see, she was like doing a little dance. It's only a year and a half. She's just a toddler. And I saw her out of nowhere clock him and then go, i'm watching you the look of total fear that washed over this guy because

he was he went oh and like and then he you could see here like looking for the grown-ups to her with this fucking accusational kid like can you imagine if he just confessed to something? All right, I did it! I did it! So we went to another one, and it was busy. It was a different venue. And Etta was toddling around, and Laura was just sort of like trying to get at her level and was sort of bent over. And some pervy dad just gave her arse a squeeze.

She came back and went, just a squeeze. She came back and went, just a startled look on her face and went, I just had my ass squeezed by someone. And your natural instinct used to be like, what cunt did this? And then I remembered that I can't fight. And we didn't know who it was. And what are you going to do do did you like it on any

level what are you gonna no because it's at a kid's disco like it was the it was the least appropriate my wife has got a phenomenal ass it doesn't mean that people are allowed to squeeze it and because Laura wasn't like upset and kicking off because in reality, she didn't know who it was. She turned around and then there's just loads of people. And like, I'm so glad that I'm not one of these psychos at a kid's disco. It's like, turn off the music! Turn off Twinkle Twinkle Little Star!

Some cunts in here squeezed their arse. Going all fucking Begbie from Trainspotting. But I suppose if Lauren... Do you want a sippy cup over your shoulder? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Literally. Fruit shoot over. What if it was just a wee boy?

What if it was just a bit of an ass man? Just a wee toddler. Just a four-year-old. Like, outside, no. I'm watching you. Fucking Dan goes full. Fucking. Get off. it was just a bit of an ass man just a four-year-old outside no so if laurie had been upset i suppose what you meant to do is just go to the organizer and be like there is some pervy fucker squeezing women's arses not the worst kind of pervert at kids disco no no no if you had the choice who squeezes random women's arses anymore like to do it not that it's ever been all right but like back in old school like i think that level of

essentially assault not essentially assault yeah was like, hey, come on. Yeah. But in your gypsy tradition, you've got that grabbing thing. Right. Have you seen the grabbing? In my pride tradition. Wow.

I've done that impression a bit too much. Vittoria's like, you know, your people. Have you seen the grabbing in Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? I have. They just grab women and put them in a corner. Big Fat Gypsy, yeah, they do, don't they? They're like, yeah. And they're like, it's just grabbing.

You're 15 and you're not fast at running, so now you're my girlfriend. When the girls are like, yeah, you just go out, you get grabbed and it's grand. Yeah, I know, but they are culturally fucked over by, yeah, okay, like, oh yeah, it's fine. Well, they put on a dress. They said it's fine like oh yeah it's fine well they put on a dress they said it's fine they said it's fine a dress with more lights than the fucking christmas tree in trafalgar square it's just fucking create massive thing oh my god and that's how he found love in a car park

um yeah it was pretty it was pretty brutal um but mean, if that girl there, she wants to be touched up by random, she is either... I mean, I feel like I'm channeling my inner Adam Rowe here, but I think maybe this thing... She's a bitch. Is that what you're doing? No, I think the boyfriend must know and want it. Oh, you think it's all a plan?

I think this is it, yeah. Because what wasn't specified in the message was, was he like looking while this was happening? It's in front, isn't it? If it's in front, that implies that he's not looking. But he could just be loving the show. He's there fanboying towards the stage. And while he's going, oh, I'm going to love it.

He's got his lighter up and everything. I'm so glad I went to see Top Loader again. Dancing in the moonlight. Apparently they play that like six times at their gigs. Of course they do. They go, we're going to do some new stuff. Only joke if we're doing Dancing in the Moonlight again. They actually do that at the gigs.

How many times at one gig did even the fans of Toploader go, that's enough Dancing in the Moonlight. Even like the Bangra version. Dancing in the moonlight even like the the bangra version that dancing in the moonlight is that a thing yeah yeah is it yeah top loader do a bangra version of dancing in the moonlight god they must have got so bored of that fucking tune do you reckon they just swap instruments shout out anyone even their tune you know to cover that and they've made their whole career on a cover yeah but wait till the bangra version drops um a live show i'm gonna try and get ishan to do a bangra version of dancing in the moonlight

i'm telling you right now i'm gonna try and make that work um i'll be honest mate if you want to get your dick wet she sounds like this is an option but i'm telling you the red flags have been thrown already this one's a fucking problem like as a guy you you get fork in the road moments where you're like she seems like she wants to fuck that's fine if you want to do that but if you go down that road potentially you're going to fall for this girl who is clearly not going to be good for you so if you just want to have a bit of fun and fuck around, her boyfriend is not your responsibility. But I would make some better choices if I were you.

Don't follow your dick down this weird road. How does he have the option to message her? They must have exchanged, yeah. They must have exchanged Instagrams or whatever. Names, yeah. The only reason exchanged Instagrams or whatever. Names, maybe. Names. Yeah. Something. Like, the only reason you're exchanging that in that scenario is you want to be,

I think, dropper of message. Go listen. Enough of that bozo. Do you not feel like it's bad karma, though, a little bit, to be like, I know you can do it if you want, but. No, I was raised by strong Irish women whose response to this is always, that's not your fucking problem Vittorio you talk a good game

You can't even lie about getting secret cleaners And now you hear going Just go and fuck her No no I would never cheat Just for the audio Just for the audio For all dog walking girlfriends I hope the dogs are behaving themselves

And I would never cheat. Please don't leave me with the 50 million. However, Greg should go and fuck old nasty girl from Top Loader. That relationship sunk or weird. And either way, mad girls are great. They are. They are pretty good. They are pretty good.

Just don't fucking marry them. Okay, boys. It's time for a well-earned nando's and we've got the legend that is phil nickel after the break all right let's this podcast is sponsored by better help better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist you get matched in under 48 hours it's not a crisis line this is a way for you to get professional therapy done securely online there's a broad range of expertise available which may not may not be like locally available for you to go and see in your area so say you're going through some like childhood trauma or whatever and you're trying to deal with that there might be not like a childhood trauma person near where you live you can get it online with

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That's betterhelp.com slash word10. Go ahead. Hi, welcome back. Welcome back to the Serious Discussion Podcast, Have A Word. A lot of people are talking about Ukraine, but what about Syria, guys? It's still an issue. Phil Nicol, your thoughts? Well, I often, I've been to Syria.

I summer there. You gig there. I summer there, yeah. I mean, I take gigs if they're available, but overall, I just like the people, the food. Can you double in Syria? Yeah, I double it with Lebanon. So good. Until that last one off.

That was great. Phil Nicol's here, ladies. I'm here. Oh that last one off. That was great. Phil Nichols here, ladies and gentlemen. I'm here. Oh, yeah. International. Bringing some arts to your Have a Word podcast. To your Have a Nagela podcast.

Absolutely. This is what we're all about. It's what they want. You know, there are 170 episodes in, but really they were like, let's talk more culture. Yeah. Yeah. But you could do something about musicals. I do a lot.

I know. And move. We've never done a warm-up live on Spotify. Yeah, maybe get you guys over here and just do some... Breathe. Yeah, do some vocal-ies. I think they're called vocal-ies. You're so tense.

You poo-poo, you poo-poo, you poo-poo, you poo-poo, you poo-poo. That's more half a word speed. They call them vocal-ies. There's something... So I know you've done a little bit of the old you've you're um uh you've many talents triple threat you're a triple threat i'm a quadruple threat someone who can absolutely roof the shit out of a circuit gig then go to the festival and do one-man shows you act you do all sorts but yes there's still a level of country i'm acting now dan no you're not yeah you're acting up i said it that's a punchline fuck you but there is still a level of uh like country in and around a vocal

warm-up that i cannot get used to you know you know be so unselfaware to be like i don't care for in a green room do you imagine doing that in like a green room? Like some, or some comedy clubs don't even have green rooms. You'd be like in the men's toilet at, in Dinsbury cricket club. I saw somebody do it just at the back of the room. Who?

Like there's an audience in the room and he's in the back going, and he's fucking shadow boxing and all. Oh, the shadow boxing,'re getting pumped up What do you think you're about to do? That's the least cool thing I've ever heard Was it Stuart Lee?

Anybody drinking? My dick My wife It was just a comedian with Tourette's And you were Donkey Fucking Shrek with Tourette's and you were... Donkey. Fucking Shrek with Tourette's. Donkey.

You've done some fucking mad gigs though, Phil. You've been... Your guitar, you bought in 1987. Yes. You've been doing stand-up on your own since, can I guess, 92, 93? No. No? 95? All right, okay, cool. yes you've been doing stand-up on your own since can i guess 92 93 no no 90 95 all right okay cool but that's we were still i was still in the corking the juice pigs at that point so it was a comedy trio for anyone that doesn't know me and then as that was petering out we all started doing our own things and that was still in canada that was still in canada but i actually never i've

never i have done stand-up in Toronto, my hometown once. And that was two years ago. I took my, you're wrong tour there back to the first time of doing standup in, in Canada after being in comedy for about 30 years. Oh my God. You're both comedy refugees, aren't you?

From your own hometown. I know we were talking before, but he's not getting the love in Belfast. Well, no, I do, but I just, I just find it tricky to get in Belfast.

Cause you don't know what context you really exist in there yeah but also you're used to having that exotic like when you're over here you're the Northern Irish guy

over there you're just you can't be the Northern Irish exactly you can't you're not all so fancy anymore how was your first gig in Toronto

did it feel sorry I don't want to pick on you I heard you know you do it wait do it just do it

do you want me to pick on you no heard you do it wait do it just do it tell me to pick on you no i do know i wasn't born when you started but that doesn't actually work because what you're saying is that you're inexperienced you're young you should maybe take some advice from your elders yeah i'm on the way up you're on the way up you just you just sit in the corner and do warm-ups. This is the peak. It's not going to get better than this. What was the first gig back in Toronto like?

It's got to be fucking weird after 25, 30 years. It was really weird. And I had my brother Andrew has four nieces. I have four nieces. My brother has four nieces. I have four nieces. My brother has four daughters, which is a whole other story. Three of them have had teen pregnancies. So they're all mothers. Like, one of them has six kids.

It's just crazy. My family's crazy. Jesus. I call them white trash, but I shouldn't. You're not allowed to say that anymore, but they are. Oh, you're not? In fact, where I'm from, I grew up near a nuclear plant. So world's largest nuclear plant in Toronto.

So people are punching up, punching down. There's only up. But it's not affected the sperm around there, apparently. Not at all. No effect on me whatsoever, Dan. But I did the show. The show was called You're Wrong. And it was about sort of exploring.

I was born into a born-again Christian family, like a brother and family, really, where it's upbringing, strange upbringing. And it was about my brother having a car accident and being in a coma and miracles and all that kind of philosophical Edinburgh-type comedy with good stand-up routines in it, by the way. But all those kids came, and they knew their dad had survived this um brain damage but they didn't

no one had ever spoken to them about it so me telling the story was the first time that they'd heard that story and me talking about it and they were going oh my god we didn't realize that dad that it was that bad that he you know because it's just a mental story it's too long to explain but yeah so so it was really kind of emotional and as was as well as being in Toronto you know and and presenting doing stand-up comedy because I'm kind of quite well known over here for it I mean not yeah yeah but relatively well known and no one knows me there so it was like a bit of a shock to everybody is that same for a lot of the Canadian comics do they are they just like like you Campbell Glenn Wall like I when I into comedy, you were some of the first. In fact, you got me my job as a sound man.

Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. Because I was the overkeying barman at the Hyena. At the Hyena in Newcastle. And you turned up for the first ever weekend when they'd moved it upstairs into the big room. That's right. I can't believe it.

The sound desk was not in the same room as the comedy club. Yeah, because Mohammed, the Egyptian owner of the club, who'd basically stolen it off Dave Johns, who's like, I just loved how he thought it was like sound equipment, you know, you can hear from a different room.

Yeah, exactly. And if you have a sound booth here, this is where people could be sitting. So what we'll do is we moved him through the pot wash into another room so he had to go through two doors.

I remember he used to set the sound levels and have to walk out and go, oh, is that so? And then go through two doors I remember you used to set the sound levels and have to walk out and go oh is that so and then go back there wasn't they just started

two doors and a pot wash yeah you had to go through and basically I was dead keen I decided I wanted to be a comedian and so Phil was like the first headliner

I think and you were on with Kerry Talmadge hell yeah who was the other at that weekend and I can't remember who. It might have been Jack Russell.

John Kelly, yeah. Yeah. And I just basically. Not a very diverse bill, I must say. I know, it was disgusting. That's why it's closed down. They've never recovered. But I, yeah, like basically you refused to go.

And you were like, you haven't got a sound tech we can't run a show yeah and through just a total lack of a sound took or anyone that gave a shit about it i managed to just be i'd ask you a few questions and you were like this kid this kid this dan right you can be the sound tech and you literally said to me do you want to be the sound tech and i was like yeah he was like right he's the sound tech and you went if he's not the sound tech running the show we're not going to perform so you got me off the sound tech? And I was like, yeah, he was like, right. He's the sound tech. And you went, if he's not the sound tech running the show, we're not going to perform. So you got me off the bar.

I never served a pint in the hyena because of you. And like, it was fucking, did you get paid the same for it though? I got paid exactly. I've got paid 60 quid. Maybe a week. Wow.

It was so low. Yeah. But every time I went for drinks for the axe because i looked after the axe i just got one for myself so i got paid about 1800 pounds a week in alcohol i i've been i had no idea how to do it not that it was not that difficult though but i remember that and i remember because even at that point you were you you're acting like you're a kind of shy young kid but you're still pretty you're still pretty obviously a a uh a talky i was dying to be involved a chatty guy i think i'd already asked you questions you had

you'd already spoken to me yeah that's why you already had like a bit of a laugh but it was like you just going if he if he's not running the show we're not doing the show yeah and they were like this is fucking like you could see muham, well, I'll fucking cancel the show. I can't cancel the show. So they gave me the job by default. But all of the guys that I met in that run, and now the legendary, like Sean Collins, Campbell, you, Glenn Wall, had they all gigged there for years and then moved over,

but you started over here? Well, no, I came to... You just came to... How have you got so much of a detached from you did corking the juice pigs there no we know we did it there for about three years in from 87 and then in 1990 we we crashed the melbourne comedy festival like like you would do we just bought flights to go to australia we'll just show up we crashed the melbourne comedy festival and then karen corin who runs the gilded balloon uh thought we were

we're looking she was looking for new acts to play in Edinburgh and she thought we were Australian and invited us to come to Edinburgh. I think that was 1990. So I'd already established myself at that. We'd established ourselves at that point. And then- If you haven't ever seen Phil's Corky and the Juice Biggs,

just pause this now and go and watch. Yeah. Just get, it's so amazing. It's mental. Adam and I have referenced, like, The Only Gay Eskimo, and like,

just go and have a little watch just so you know where Phil came from in comedy. It's just the most, like, the fact that that's 30 years old is just amazing because it's still so fucking funny. Oh,

thanks, man. I, I, I worry actually because I've been looking at trying to put out old, old material.

I'm working on putting out a box set of stuff, of shows I've been looking at trying to put out old material I'm working on putting out a box set of stuff of shows I've done and you look back and think some of the stuff is really

it's gonna be you know I don't believe in the cancel culture but I do think people are a lot more sensitive towards certain things

we do songs about burn victims and the KKK and things that were like really like do you want to hear it? no but I mean, they were, but they were all the, I think the differences in that era, comedy, punk, punk music

was still, was still kind of around and comedians were seen as outlaws and punks, you know, Sam Kinison and- Truly alternative. Yeah, like true alternative. And so, and the idea was you're shocking people well actually it's not far off a scouse or a glaswegian sense of humor but gallows humor and shock humor is actually and and northern irish it's you're laughing because you know it's not that you know it's not funny that's why it's funny because you're not supposed to be laughing about this that's why it's funny and you kind of bring everyone no i mean that's that's true it's

that is true and i i mean i've been i've watched enough of your podcasts know that that's still alive and happening here but out there it's a very becoming a very different world especially in the arts uh area of of comedy where where that's people just shut you down for for a certain corporate almost like that all the tv stuff and in the fringe stuff it's become so like corporation based we're the mainstream now we're not like we're talking like 30 years ago you're coming out of an era especially i'm speaking about the uk you're coming out of the 70s and 80s where the mainstream was the old style of comedy and it was a it was a fight against that wasn't it was a reaction to that yeah and if you're in a comedy if you're

in an alternative comedy club in the late 80s early early 90s, you're at the true meaning of the word fringe of sort of the arts. That's not the case anymore. We're the mainstream. And so all of the eyes are on you. You're not rebels. You're not punks. Well, this is kind of back to you. You're the money.

And now you get people going, well, you can't say that. And you can't say this. There's no, like, people taking it so seriously you can't say this there's no like people taking it so seriously well i guess there's just more i guess what's happened is i haven't really thought this through so it might come all wrong but there's more there's more of an audience for it because it's become more it's been sold as a mainstream thing from like the road show and the apollo so there's more people but those people don't have the same the people used to go and see comedy like at the tunnel club in in greenwich to

go and see malcolm hardy and uh you know simon munnery and joe brand when they were young and they were ruthless and the if you watch the documentary online about it the the audience are ruthless like heckling booing people off throwing stuff like just just you had to be hard and you had to be fast and funny and that doesn't now it's more we have to go to people sit down and want to like listen let's listen to what Dan, tell me something, Dan, make it,

make me think Dan, but I'm not saying that those, those people could be waiting a long fucking time. If that's what you're turning up to, maybe think Dan, like, all right, it's going to be a long one.

We have licensing laws. But, but I, but I was going back to answer the question that we came over to, I came up when I, when I started juice, big sort of broke apart. Um was friends with uh craig campbell had opened for us like when he was like 17 in like north vancouver uh and i don't really even remember his set but you know that's

how long those guys have been in the business mike wilmot toured with the juice pigs and was on tour with us is still one of my these friends. These are legendary names in Canadian and UK comedy. They are. They are. And also, I think Canadians, because you do, when you go and do these shows, you drive five hours to do a show, and there's only two of you,

so you've got to cover the whole time. So Canadian comedians are used to doing 45, like from right away, 45 minutes to an hour, and no fucking about. There's not like 20-minute sets, and I've got to catch my train. It's like you're there, and you're going to catch my train. It's like, you're there and you're going to sit and drink with those guys

and you're going to drive home drunk or crash in someone's van. And then, you know, so. You're going to drive home drunk and crash someone's van? Yeah. You know, you had to. It's a very different circuit, isn't it?

I remember boring a car. We were in Saskatoon, which is the home of the RCMP, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. We had to drive like six hours north to do a gig, one gig. And we did the gig, but we didn't have a car. So we borrowed the woman who was the manager of the club. We borrowed her car.

And we got all the way up to the gig, did the gig. And it's a long slog, man. And then you do like a two-hour gig because there was only three of us. Did the gig and then got back in the car. Joe loved smoking pot while he drove. So he's smoking pot, he's driving. And these are like Alberta roads. Actually, Joe was smoking pot while he drove. He's smoking pot, he's driving. And these are like Alberta roads. Actually, it was Saskatoon.

These are straight roads mainly. So you've got to be aware what's going on. But also you can just put the pedal down and just like people floor it. So we got pulled over by the police and the police pulled us over. Joe went, I don't have a license. And we were like, what? He goes, you've left it in your, in the,

you've left it in the hotel the you've left it in the no it just doesn't in the hotel he went no i i don't have i don't have a license like i don't i should be driving we're like what are we gonna say to this the cop when he like what are you and we're all like hi and like like luckily you've got that've got Going to a gig No no The police We were heading back

From the gig That's what we told them Joe was very smooth though Joe was like A sort of handsome Portuguese guy And somehow could pull it together And just said to the cop What are you doing

He went Oh we're We've just been doing a gig And I forget what Middle of nowhere But fuck Alberta is the joke isn't it So

And the cop went Oh right How'd the gig go Because this is Canada How'd the gig go because this is canada how'd the gig go pretty good thanks you know like got another like four hours to get back going to saskatoon all right yeah we're going on at yuck yucks and yuck yucks is like a uh at one time the biggest comedy chain in the world canadian comedy chain a legendary comedy chain which started like sam kinnison and uh you know jim carrey and all these guys. And the cop just was so enamored that we were young, young guys, right? That he just went, okay, didn't even ask to check for ID.

He just went, okay, just slow down, guys, because, you know, there's animals out here and stuff. And we were like, this is pre-9-11 as well, remember. So things changed, I think, after 9-11. But we literally, cop drove away, honk, honk, honk, see ya, this is pre-9-11 as well remember so that's things changed i think after 9-11 but but but we we literally cop drove away honk honk honk see ya drove away in front of us and we just went really slow and we were like how do we get away with that and we pulled over and it was a beautiful night and in the middle of canada you can see the milky way because it's there's no this closest city is

is saskatoon is four hours away so So we all got on the front of the car and just sat and smoked a big roof and just looked at the stars and just went, we're charmed. This is amazing. Why do all Canadian comedy stories sound so much more rock and roll than sharing a fucking car

to do a gig in Wakefield? Oh, for fuck's sake. I can't change my heritage. But every time we have a Canadian coming on, like, Glen Wall's like, we're in some oil rig town or something. And all of a sudden, like... The number of places you play like that.

You had to drive for 14 hours. Someone lost three toes. Yeah, 14 hours. And then on the way back, you have this amazing moment where you're like, fucking wrestle a bear. Yeah, at a lincoln navigator like well the moose we're lincoln navigator moose spot and in the middle of blizzards driving because canadians don't stop for anything and we drive into the town i forget what it's called it's like uh i think it's it's

it might be saint john but anyway we go to this place in in the in the rockies and we get in the town and realize we're in the smallest truck you know what a lincoln navigator is like it's like what they drive in you know in in the wire big massive like we're in the smallest truck like our truck was tiny we were like it's like we were driving a mini compared to like other people and you know and we pulled we backed into our parking spot at the hotel and this huge truck with like massive big wheels pulled up right right beside us you couldn't even see out of our window, into the window of the truck beside us. And the door opens, a little chain ladder comes out,

and then these little pink cowboy boots. And this little tiny, like four foot tall woman with a great big cowboy hat, with a big curly perm, went, hi boys. Drive your husband's truck around. I had no idea where that was going. And that's why Carl doesn't want me to get an SUV. Because they are, even in Northern Canada,

drug dealers' wives' cars. So why does gigging in the UK, you've obviously done that for years and everything. It's obviously a massive difference. What made this your home? Because you've been here fucking ages. I know you've gigged all around the world, but this became your home? Like, because you've been here fucking ages. This is where, I know you've gigged all around the world, but this became your home.

Like, what is it about gigging in the UK that's different and why did it stick with you? Well, I mean, I don't know if this has been covered, but the UK has got a gig every couple of feet. Like, there's a gig across the hallway. There's a mirth gig in this building. The Science Centre. Oh, my God.

Having passed these cunts on the corridor that would be a fucking dry gig is it a science center i didn't realize it really is it looks like a technical college and this is where they're trying to cure covid if you're joking there is a gig in this yeah across the way oh my god there is as well i did it a month ago. Hang on. There is a gig. In my head, in the joke was literally on the other side of this hallway is the science bit. But actually, if you just go out of a door, 34 feet away is a gig. That's what I'm saying, man. You can set up a gig.

I'll do a gig on the train on the way into town. I've done gigs on trains in this country. I mean, people in Britain have an amazing sense of humor. And some of them don't. Some of them are fucking foul and horrible. But actually, in the Northwest, and I'm not saying this to blow smoke, but in Liverpool, I've always found, it might be different if you're a Cockney comedian,

but for me, I've always found this sense of humor in Liverpool and I'm Glaswegian, so maybe there is that little weird... You're insane as well. Yeah, exactly. But I just think there's so many comedy gigs. But I came here because I was escaping. In the one year, my marriage,

my wife and I broke up. She had slept with a couple of my, two of my, my two closest friends that weren't the Courtney. Oh, Jesus. Yeah? You're putting sad music on?

Yeah. And then, and then about. You just let it out, babe. I know. He's doing emotional warmups. I haven't really done, I haven't really worked on this piece yet,

but. But then to say, then Juice Biggs broke up like a month later. And so I lost in in this in the scan of about maybe three months went from being we were on mad tv we were like high quite we were like are we the same management as jim carrey we were barry cats was looking after our lifestyle we were barry cats you know he does like chapelle and all those people yeah yeah so we were like that and then in three months i suddenly had lost everything. I was living back in my house that I had with my wife and my dog and everything

had been moved out of it. And then the same weekend that my wife left me, Greg Neal, who's also in the group, his wife had left him, but they had a 10 month old son. So he top trumped me on the sad stakes. And we, and, and, and I spent about, I spent about three months there trying to win my, try and get my, keep my relationship going and try and figure out how to keep the juice pigs together. And then it just ended. So I was suddenly moved to Britain. Well, yeah, if you're going to change continents,

use that as the wind in your sails, eh? Like being cheated on a breakup and your band split it up. I lost the three guys, the two guys that are just pigs and the two managers and my two best friends. I lost the three guys, the two guys that are just pigs and the two managers and my two best friends, my seven closest people in my life, the people that I was spending all my time with.

If I wasn't with them, I was on tour with the other guys and for like, you know, five years. And that was suddenly gone. So Elisa White, who has been my agent in this country and who I stayed with when I was coming over

touring with the Juice Pigs, said, why don't you, you've got a British passport because you were born in Scotland, move to Britain and I'll try and get you some gigs. So she got me gigs, that's true. Ed Byrne had been our support act on our first tour. In fact, the Juice Pigs' first tour, we couldn't afford a real comedian,

so we asked Ed to do it because he'd only been, he'd only been doing comedy for about maybe five or six months at that point and he was already brilliant like yeah yeah he was superior from the very beginning so he did that tour with us so the the first week i moved to britain my first gigs were at the comedy calf because no uh faulkner was a big fan of the juice pigs and mine we got along personally and he put me on but he put me on following ed because he just assumed gold corking the juice pigs i can't you know yeah and i hadn't done really done much like stand-up i was kind of really winging it i'd done a show with mike wilmot in edinburgh and i was winging

it and uh and i had two weekends booked in and after the friday night uh noel came up and said can i talk to you um there's your money for two weeks um we don't we we don't need you um tomorrow or next week oh jesus and i got i got the money but i got i got you got paid out i got let go yeah that was my first that was my first so that was like welcome and i was staying in a after i moved i moved in with carrie marks i was like in a like almost like a squat flat like in an attic room that you couldn't stand in the you couldn't stand in the room you had to always be like on the, so I had a futon on the floor, surrounded by porn and paupers,

probably some of the worst, the worst, the worst year of my life. And then I started a second comedy career, which is, it just brought me here. Look at this. Just keeps going.

Just keeps going. Every, every good career has got like a pretty bleak, weird, like squat start bad gig start but I mean that is particularly

I've done it twice now yeah holy shit we used to tour across Canada with the Juice Pigs we used to at one point we had so little money

only enough money to get perpetual to get us to the next gig to fill the van up our van was called Jesus because it kept breaking down and coming back but we used to have

a little a little styrofoam cup I remember this clearly all we had was a styrofoam cup one spoon and a box of cheerios that and we just like shared around go that's that's how and when when i hear like young kids a terrible gig you know you know the kids go there just a horrible gig they weren't even listening i turned across canada in a fucking van drinking gin and eating Cheerios out of a styrofoam cup that we had to keep

washing out I love not having bandmates though it's just so good that's why I stopped and carrying stuff as well I used to be a drummer oh cool

and fucking the joy of just showing up to a gig was nothing what have you got I've got my voice I'm just gonna talk and even that

at the Edinburgh Festival even if that goes you'll be like I'll get through the first time I ever got my voice I'm just gonna talk and even that at the Edinburgh Festival even if that goes you'll be like I'll get through the first time I ever did King Kong I had no voice I could always

what's a crack how's it going folks yeah when people are like when's the best time to go to the Edinburgh Fringe probably towards the end isn't it

when the shows will be better you're like well the sweet spot I think is about maybe the third week about 10- 12 days in,

where everyone's definitely got the show right, but they've not drunk the liver into oblivion and shouted themselves hoarse. Because in that last week, there are some comedians like, so? It's just been a long month. Brendan Burns used to have a notepad that he wore on his neck because he used to write, because he'd go,

I can't speak. I've got five gigs tomorrow. Still got nominated. still got five gigs I saw you mentioned Ed Byrne I saw Ed Byrne late and live in 2019

at the Edinburgh Fringe and he was up there and he was like very young crying and he was like jeez all my fucking middle age materials doing fuck all here

and then he just like you saw him just like switch gears and he just went do you ever be watching a porn and just think take your shoes off

you slut I am absolute full agreement with Edward my least destroyed can't agree enough when the dudes are wearing trainers and socks I'm like

I know you need purchase and he went that's it ed dig into that old material he goes you guys know alanis morrison that was ironic but he was doing all that stuff like really early on i mean he was and then we had one week where he couldn't make it. And he introduced us to Adam Bloom, who was also at the time, like just a brand new, I'd probably be able to tell you exactly how many gigs it was. That was gig 34. But these guys were really, they were super strong. That whole generation, David Haddingham and Ed Maxwell, they're all kind of the same class.

These are all like the fifth years when I started. They were like, when I was a first year in comedy, these are all the guys was like oh my god one day i'll be like you it's so funny yeah right so for me so that's i mean this is also part of the the uh constant depression i have is like well this i this is as good as i'm gonna this is not this is bad guys but this is uh so how do you do it i've reached that i've done it i'm in runcorn. This is it. All of those gigs on the road when you nearly died. It's all in that green bridge. We did nearly die once. We were in a bad car accident going to Windsor,

which is across the river from Detroit. And we just left Toronto. Joe was driving. Joe smoked a lot of hash, man. It was bad. But I was in the passenger seat we i was in i was in the passenger seat and sean was in the back and whatever happened joe just sort of we just started it's a double lane like i don't want to call it like an a a road highway here but there's

a big gully and then the other car is coming that way and and the and joe was on the outside and he just started it's just sort of moving across like slowly and i'm just sitting watching going listen to music and then going joe are you and then he's kept but it just kept i realized and i looked over and he was like and i and i didn't i didn't grab the wheel but i just want to try to touch like hold the wheel he woke up and went whoa like that and we went we went across straight that hit the gravel the car spun around the back so we're going backwards at full speed, like 60, 80 kilometers an hour. And then the car, when it hit the gully, it tipped up. It went over on itself and then rolled on its side.

So when the car stopped, all of the material in the car was going in slow motion. And when the car finally stopped, and I'm not proud of this, I went, she's going to blow! Because I've seen way too many movies. And the car was on its side. So I'm like, we've got to get out of here. I thought I was going to die in a mad explosion. So we jumped out.

We get the door open. Sean had to climb up the front. And we're running from the car as if we're in slow motion. And it didn't blow up. But people, all the cars had stopped both ways and they came running up to us. By the time we settled down,

everyone had fucked off. There was one guy going, I'm a doctor, I'm a chiropractor, here's my card. A chiropractor? A chiropractor. What the fuck's he gonna do?

And this was back in the days when like mobile phones were really rare. He had like one of those big fancy, he was a chiropractor, I was like, yeah, he went,

I've called the police, but I've got to go. So he left us and we're all just sitting there going, what the, and the car is like totaled. And so a cop came, picked us up,

drove us to Guelph. We took a bus back to Guelph and then got in a midnight bus and made the gig because we don't give up. And you just leave the car. You don't do that anymore. Now you just go.

It's one of my big fears is that I'm going to die doing something inane like some shite gig. Yeah. Like I just, I went, like you don't do that anymore. Now you just, you just go. It's one of my big fears is that I'm going to die doing something inane like some shite gig. Yeah. Like I just, I would like, you don't,

I know you don't get to pick, but I probably have an aneurysm like picking my fucking, some shit out of like my feet or something like, what's that? Like, I know like,

I'll go in some inane way. Yeah. Because of course, if you're a comedian, you don't get to like save people from a burning building and then have that sort of like hero's death no but i i've had so many of those moments where you're driving to some just shite gig and i remember driving to darlington and just aquaplaning for a bit because there was a puddle i just hadn't seen like really quite a long

puddle and i was like oh other cars not doing that and then it sort of regot itself i was like oh i nearly died on some fucking shitty road yeah driving near kirby steven across to darlington for 120 quid and then i also thought like i've left my flat in such a bad state there was porn out there was like the laptop was out there was moisturizer and tissues so my my family would have had to like tidy up my flat going oh he had a wank before he died before he set off to his death do you have a brother yeah do you have a brother is the no i don't i have a sister and she'd be fully judgmental she would put it

oh the very idea i just i know that that I'm going to go in one of the Put that in a fucking museum That's Dan's last ever cum kiss I'll go on the wall Thank you Just have it around my open casket Moisturise it And in fucking a thousand years

You'll have Richard Attenborough there And they'll just get the cum And they'll fly in Jurassic Park And there'll be an amusement parkassic nonce just loads of nightingales no i want i want around my around my casket i just want the moisturizer the tissue and i just want porn with no one wearing shoes that's my absolute ideal yeah um there's a jack for every Jill talking about the cancel culture stuff you told us you were telling us a story about you I can't

even fathom this but before we started recording you were saying that you work with Jerry Sadowitz who over here is I mean a long history of being the edgiest of comics that's been rejected by the mainstream almost entirely apart from those few glimpses

where he's got those tv opportunities and he's been so off the wall but he's been doing it for years but you were saying that you got on there and still had stuff edited out by well jerry jerry satovich if you don't know him that's another if you like uh raw comedy he's he's one of the rawest if you don't know him he's og isn't he he's like properly he was in the video Ebeneezer Good he's a good he's a good he is Ebeneezer Good

the shaman oh yeah of course he is he's Ebeneezer Good so he's a he's a classic comic he's also a great sleight of hand magician

I believe and I think Adam told me this because he's the reason Adam Bloom started doing comedy because Adam Bloom also likes sleight of hand magic and you know Jerry Satter which is one of his favorite comedians um he had a tv show called the Jerry a trick show

and uh we had the juice pigs had followed they had an act called Bib and Bob um on what's the other what's the other comedian's name oh it's gonna bug me now okay not important the story but Bib and Bob were his double act and one of their shows we were on before them and their show is the the ballroom in edinburgh it's about 350 seats you know sold out and bib and bob come on and they would start the show the back doors would open onto the stage the audience would applaud and it'd be jerry in a wheelchair with the top hat on uh going like that and as bob as bob wheeled him on right and then bob would be like and they're going jerry come on stop doing that and he'd bring out a big double-headed dildo start smacking

about the back and shoulders with it until jerry and he'd fall on the ground and then um bob would stick his he had a big like a boiler suit on sticks his head in the boiler suit pretend to masturbate and then whipped cream onto onto Jerry that's how the show opened every night that was their opening that's how the show started and every night

every night we would watch from the side because the 350 seat theatre they'd lose at least 100 people like immediately they'd be like people said

come on honey we gotta go grab the kids we're gonna go it was like a sketch show with Jerry Senevich and that's how and then

when they'd all leave and they'd take a really long time, they'd just keep doing this action of hitting him and masturbating. When they'd all leave, he'd stand up and go, right, that's a cunt's gone. And then the show would start. So he did it to get to go. Absolutely. Went hard straight off the bat.

So that man had a TV show called The Geriatric Show, which was a close-up magic show, but Bib and Bob had a section in the show. I think you might be able to see that. So Adam Rowe has said, because I know we've mentioned Adam Blue, our Adam has said many a time that there's something about going,

in terms of how you're getting a laugh and pushing the envelope as far as you can, early doors, so that you set the tone so if anyone goes oh you can go no no no no no no because you were fine with the fucking first one so don't get all prissy on the third fourth fifth and sixth unless you're me at the store last week yeah i got a big what did you do my first ever 10 at the comedy store i got a big boo in the middle of the set but i always like because it's a chuckle brothers joke about one of them dying

but I do like Paralympics material beforehand and I was like fuck yourselves if that's the line is that clear is that thing

but I mean and then the next layer over that is to do something so fucking out there and offensive that you just lose

a hundred cunts yeah well the the bim bom show is like and I mean it's not even exaggerating it was at least a third of the crowd every single night phil i want you to do i want you to do a have a word live show so much i would love to know what level of obscene you'd have to

do as your opening bit to get to lose a hundred out of 350 of these like they'd be like do it do it if you invited jerry satovich to come on that he he would certainly do his best if he knew that was the challenge he's the man for it so and i did the warm-ups for his show and he's and this is a weird advice i don't even know how it makes sense but he used to come i'd be a bit nervous i was still quite new to doing stand up you know even though i'd done all this stuff with the juice bags and i brought my guitar and they were his crowd so they were into the filth and i would sing a song the song called emotionally challenged girl that greg neil and i had written and and and he loved it and and they loved it but it was never you know it's just a warming warming them up for him he used to come up and put just before we i went on his warm he put a

hand on my shoulder he said remember phil if they laugh at you, load them for it. Oh, and I was like, and I couldn't, I mean, okay, let's take that apart. Cause I don't,

I was like, what does he mean? Like, but what he's saying is he goes, you know, it's an act. So if they're laughing, they're idiots.

They're like, load them. And I think that's, I don't know if it's right, but you know, but you can see what the logic his logic is the more they laugh at him or he go an act one said to me and she's a bit like uh wishy-washy believes in crystals and stuff uh she said at the back of the room before she goes on

stage she looks at the backs of the heads of all the audience and goes i love you i love you i love you i love you and i was like I'm the fucking opposite before I go on I'm like these fucking idiots again that's what I think Jets something in that I know you want to like

like people that come to see me whatever fantastic but there's some level of like yeah you know there's a balance

to get right though because if you have absolutely no affection or regard for an audience you are gonna you are not gonna getional regard for an audience you are gonna you are not gonna get booked for that long are you like well he does though but that's yeah he does because it means he's got to be really good a real disdain for them sam sam kinnison used to

hate the audience yeah i think you don't want how do you honestly feel you do you what i'm i try to be my problem is i try to be a crowd pleaser even though i still break the rules and i'm naughty but i i still want people in the end to enjoy it yeah and the best you know the best shows you have are when people are standing up at the end and you know i don't want to go home and hang out with you no yeah i've never seen you do anything apart from fucking destroy gigs you you had loads of shit gigs no i know but like it's not because you're not trying like yes well like there are some there are some comics there are some comics who on stage you can see the disdain they have for a crowd yeah sometimes i think i get it that like i'm above

you and you just you're just you're just fucking punters yeah but i also think there's something quite wholesome about someone knowing all that, being an intelligent, smart performer, but then also having the grace to respect the stage and the art enough to be like, yeah, you are punters, and maybe I know better than you, but I'm still going to give you a show. Yeah. Is it that you want them to enjoy it,

but they don't? And this is where I think some people, some comedians frustrate me. You shouldn't care whether they agree or not. Some of the best comedians can do jokes where the point whether they like agree or not like some of the best comedians can do jokes where the point

and like Adam Rowe who's good at this he'll say something so disagreeable and so obviously horrible but he gets it over the line and you have to

explain it in such a way and justify the point in such a funny way that they're laughing at stuff that they know is horrible I think some people now like

get on and try to get everyone to go yeah that's right and good you have to trust them to be adults to be able to dissect what you're saying and then decide what they like or don't like or what they agree. I'm such a fucking whore.

Well, it's me and my voices. How many times have we done that, though? Remember in the south of France, we were like, they're fucking horrible gigs. And every night we'd go, come on, we've got to do this. And we'd go on and just pretend we're having the best time ever. We both fucking hated it. Me, Phil, and Paulson i went to do gigs in the south of france and it was just basically played it was just playing to aqua tories it was just fucking

the south of france the only good gig that we did was the one was the one where oh yeah i know exactly what story i've told it on here i've told the story on here the only good gig we did was when it was to the staff the the people that worked on the on the yachts yeah because they were that was in monaco and they were like hey the other ones were all like hi we live in the south of france for a lot of the summer and you were like it felt dirty horrible um but that was the that was the trip yeah mate you were so great that whole that whole tour that was the trip mate you were so fucking great that whole tour that was really good that was a trip where Paul Sinner took us to a gay sex club

yeah he just wanted to pop in we were going out and he knew a place it was called the Tractor Beam I think or something he was so nice about it obviously he's gay he was like it's just around the corner before we go out because we planned to go out

drinking for the last night he was like just before we go out I wonder if it's alright if I just nip in a sex club before we go out and I like I was maybe 26

at the time 27 and I was like I've been to a gay club but I've never been to a fucking gay sex club so I was like okay cool

and Phil was like you've never seen a cooler guy with it he was like yeah yeah cool no worries man of course that's absolutely great

and we walked in and the level of cool that Phil exuded through the whole experience where Paul just disappeared into a dark room no yeah but if you remember

he had to buy a ticket and there was a turnstile that goes into the door like a fucking away date there was a bar area we went around to the bar area you paid your ticket so? There was a bar area. We went around to the bar area. You paid your ticket.

So I'm now pretending that Dan and I are like wearing an item. And so I was like finding he's he's going stop stop.

And I'm going come on Dan. Hey Dan what can I get you? Skate porn. Skate porn. This guy's like banging on the video screen. And there's only

two other people in the bar is a couple further down with like mustaches and chaps. And they're just looking over at me and I'm going hi guys. And there's only two other people in the bar. There's a couple further down with like mustaches and chaps. And they're just looking over at me and I'm going, hi guys. And Dan's going, look at me going, please stop. And I'm like, so do we have some shooters

or what do we have? And I'm like, look at, and those guys, one of the guys turned his mate. So like stomach into the bar and then just stood beside him and then looked over at us and was just going like that.

Like Dan's going, is Paul coming back out i'm not joking this guy had gradually just moved around phil's not even flinched and he was just looking at his guy he just he just and he they just kept coming closer and closer to us and just i think they recognized there was a little bit of fear they just like sort of looking do you remember what paul said when he came out of the back room he went right i've just jizzed on a guy's face let's get off and phil went cool let's go i was like okay i'm not finishing my heineken and it's called the tractor beam i think it's called the tractor beam that's it's a good name for a gay sex club yeah it's got it all doesn't it really i thought I thought I was like, oh, yeah, I've seen it all.

I'd seen four, four. You were very funny. You were very funny. Because I know there's a difference between playing naive and shy and actually being naive and shy. And you kept going, how long is Paul going to be with us? And I was going like, seven minutes, eight minutes. He's not going to ever learn how long to be with us.

It was like you've gonna remember that it was like you've been to it was like yeah I've got loads of gay friends we always go to a gay sex club before I go out we go to Woody's we go to Woody's

it was the way they were like oh yeah they just couldn't stop looking and the guys were like doing this with his friend and they're both looking over us

you could have sold me for 8 euros right then 8 euros go on lads um can you play us the song that uh didn't make it on the jerry sadowitz uh show you were asked not to do yes i can it's now i'm only doing this because i don't really do it much anymore it's um greg neil and i wrote this it was when we're in the juice pigs um um and this wrote this when we were in the Juice Pigs. And this was so, so I was on the Geriatric show because I was doing the warmups and Jerry loved the song.

So he actually got the producers to put me on the show. And I recorded this. I did a short set and I recorded the song. And then when the show came out, it had been cut from the show. So actually I was, I, of all the people, the things to get axed from a Jerry Sadovich show, it was, it was my song. So I felt quite proud about that,

to be slightly more offensive than him. I love it. It's a love song. You, you show your vagina for a piece of popcorn and everyone around you starts to laugh. But you mean much more to me. Emotionally challenged girl. One, two, three, and then you start to weep. And drink your urine from a paper cup.

Those kids are not your friends Emotionally challenged girl Now you might think that it's weird when I tell you not to wear your poo as a beard Well I tell you Don't show your tits and don't flash your ass

Don't eat plumps whole And I spit out the pits I fucked the song So don't run away And don't turn your back And take that chewed up frisbee from your crotch You mean much more to me You are my fantasy

Kiss me It's ecstasy emotionally challenged emotionally challenged emotionally challenged girl la la la la la la la la la la la la la Yes!

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thing i own it is 100 welcome back to the final so how's it been uh producing finn how do you feel it's it's not it's not like daunting i've got steve with me he's helping out it's it's weird without carl i'm not i'm trying not drop the zingers i'm trying not to interject as much and being a lot less racist um i mean that's not hard yeah it's not difficult um i don't i don't think you're ever going to be a fan favorite without those two without interjections and racism where are you mate i know i know well you chuck chuck some in now and he just we can just put drop it in throughout he's too nice he's just too nice

a person can we bleep it yeah well you're gonna say something what the fuck are you gonna say no matter what he says now just go

oh my god what do you Finn's Finn's best effort at racing would be something against like Greek Cypriots

or something fuck fuck the Greeks I'll go with that you're shit you're shit bleep it when he says you're homophobic like Greek Cypriots or something. Fuck the Greeks. I'll go with that. You're shit. You're shit. Bleep it when he says Greeks. He's homophobic.

Bleep it when he says Greeks. I mean, you can't say the N word, Finn. Jesus Christ. Have we got a bleep? Have we even got a bleep sound? Yeah, we've used it for Carl a couple of times this year. Only this year. What did he say?

What did he bleep? Well, I'm not going to say it now. I'll say it. Then I'll have to bleep it again. No, you say it. You say it and we'll bleep it out. Tell us. What did he say? Is that why you didn't want to say it now. You'll say it. Because then I'll have to bleep it again. No, you say it. You say it and we'll bleep it out. Tell us. What is he?

Is that why you didn't want the halloumi cheese at Nando's before? Yeah. Because of the atrocities. Fuck the Greeks. What did they do? I'm Turkish. Oh, here we go. Fuck the Greeks.

He's half Turkish. Do you think Cyprus belongs to the Turks, do you? No. No, I'm not. Boo! Oh, fan, fan, fan. I know you hate Greeks but not disabled Greeks and children

crushed by yogurts they're only humans we've got some very serious questions Phil because let me just get myself together for this

this is this is challenging okay so I don't know if you're ready for this wag wag lids would you rather now you've got to live and die

by the would you rather this is a hypothetical you've got to live and die by the would you rather. This is a hypothetical. You can't be like, well, I'd do neither. You've got to do one of them or die. Would you rather have sex with your best friend just once or kiss their knob once every time you see them? Keep up the good work. That's from Ed Staples.

So from now on in, your best friend, you either just got to clear, clear the, with just one really awkward shag, or forever till you die, a kiss on the naked penis at least once when you see them.

Well, I'm really lucky, Dan, because my best friend is my girlfriend. I was going to say that. And you don't mind kissing her penis? I'll do both. I'll do both. Thank you. Escape.

As much as I don't really want to imagine fucking my best friend, the other option is that I... It's either once and you try and forget about it or no i don't think you've no but which way around but if you can't forget about if you see him every time you've got to kiss their knob that's horrible but i think you would you not just come up with the system as as you grit that she greeted what happens on the cheeks what happens if you the time you do shag him and then it's quite nice. And every time you see him after that,

you want to kiss his penis, and he doesn't want that. That would be heartbreaking. Yeah, that would be really bad. I think that's definitely the problem that a lot of these lads are thinking about now. When it comes to this, would you rather, everyone's like, what if I fall in love? What if I fall in love?

Yeah, and he doesn't want me. Unrequited. I think, I don't want to, say my best mate Bondi. I see him twice a year, maybe. That's all right. Right. You say my best mate Bondi I see him twice a year maybe you see your best mate I see my best mate four times a week oh that's a lot of dick kissing isn't it can I ask a question

what's he like does he look good he's good looking these are choices you're making this so much more romantic is there music where does he take you? For dinner? I think if you had to see your best mate, I don't want to fuck him, right?

If you had to see your best mate twice a year, you could just be like, dude, I don't want to lose you as a friend. So when I get there, before we do everything, you know, like, oh, we're going out here for drinks and everything. We just go to the bathroom. You whip the knob out and you just get in the habit of here for drinks and everything you just go to the bathroom you you whip the knob out and you just get in the habit of going like and then you're out well actually because because dude twice he's french too bad he's not dutch there's three but but

because that's really him yeah but the logic would be that you then wouldn't end up meeting out you'd end up if you knew that was going to be the thing, you'd end up meeting, you'd have a place where you'd go and meet where you could do the penis. Do you think you'd still meet up? Do you think that would dissuade you from meeting up with your best friend and you would gradually lose the man? Well, you could lose your best friend. I'm down to three. I can't lose more than three. One lives in South Africa,

one lives in Portsmouth, and one is in Leamington as well. Where are you going to move to if you lose your best friends again? I can't lose anymore. I'd be happy to go back to prison if that happened. My best friend's in prison. At least I call him my best friend. It's the same way the deck gets in anyway. Also, the thing is, knowing what happened,

wouldn't you start to spruce yourself up a little bit? Come on. Don't look at me like that. You know it's going to happen. You may as well make the most of it. Go for ice cream. If you've entered a bet with your friend

where you have to kiss his dick a lot go to manscaped.com oh yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes you rather yes mate you just earned your feedback um it's pretty horrific but you don't want to have to have full sex with your mate and i just feel like there's a way of being like i know it would ruin the meeting up and everything but be like have you definitely washed it and just get really good get really like that come on, you couldn't do that like a true player. I'd once, on stage at Glassbread, a guy who was, like, sort of a game of chicken, and he was a big rugby player, and I was comparing, and I got him up on stage, and he was like,

I was like, I kept making jokes, I'm going to suck somebody's cock, I'm going to prove how straight I am by sucking someone's cock, like the way a straight man would suck a cock, and this guy i'll do it and i was oh no okay we're we're so he's this great big uh welsh dude get up on stage and he and he was going he's going i was going i'm gonna do it like i'm stuck now being all bravado but i'm gonna you get it out and i'm gonna suck your cock to show you how straight i am i'm gonna suck your cock like a straight man

and he was like he was like, all right. And people are going, woo. The play started to go. Come on, he's going to do it. So he started going, pulling his zipper down. I thought, oh, my God. I'm stuck. This is, I can't.

I'm only going to lose this match. Because he's a rugby boy. He's had his deck out in public so many times. And he kept looking at me. And he was going, I'm going to keep going. And I was going, go on then. And you could see him certainly starting to lose the will. Because he's thinking, this guy's-

Ultimate game of gay chicken. This guy's mental enough just to maybe do it. And also, you could see him doing it. And I was going, go on, get it out, get it out. I'm going to- And then I got down, I got down on my knees, going, come on then. And the crowd's going, whoa.

And you could see him going- And I looked at him, and I thought, he's starting to get it. And I thought, I've got to do something. So I looked up and went, whoop. It was away. Oh, nice. I never started to get it And I thought I've got to do something So I looked up and went It was away Oh nice I never had to do it It was just

About close as I Is that how you thought Glastonbury would go? Was it? Is that how you thought Glastonbury would go? Yeah Phil does that at every gig

That's his closer Yeah So if you're with Is it Bondy your mate? My mate Tim yeah Right Would you Does it change it if you

him or if he you oh i don't i don't i hadn't even thought about or for example he roofies you unconscious you you don't remember it right okay good but now we're really like yeah what a sinister way to get around this you get raped but it's a good thing Dan Dan Dan it's a good rape

you just have the shits for a week do I do I it's either that or it's either that or a kiss is penis

every time you meet him your choice is yours oh yeah yeah yeah every time you meet your friend also do I go around to his to get roofied

just like or does he just like all of a sudden i wake up like groggy like oh shit bondy's been like oh yes that's true because it doesn't have to be straight away it doesn't have to there's no question it doesn't have to be like as soon as you meet i don't want to get bombed or have to bomb anyone i just think i just think you maybe see your best friend less i'm getting married well i'll pucker up what is big event does it count on zoom yeah it does yeah kissing a dick definitely counts listen i'd love to kiss your dick but there's a pandemic so is it socially distant yeah to me i keep my mask on um a little bit of advice. You seem like you've,

you know. Well, a lot of people think I'm really good with advice. You can imagine people come to me. Yeah, you're a serious person.

He's the kind of guy that takes things seriously. Adam Richens says, need a bit of advice on a potentially awkward situation. I'm going on holiday with a group of mates in a few weeks,

but we booked an Airbnb without checking and there's four of us sharing two double beds. We're backpacking so we can't really blank uh really pack blankets which means we're gonna have to be sharing beds i don't mind that too much but to quote a schultz bit all my mate has to do is not fuck me but i move about quite a lot in my sleep and i'm a bit paranoid about waking up spooning my mate wow after. After the conversation we've just had, this question sounds total milquetoast.

I'm like, oh my God, babe, are you worried about spooning? It's four of us and two towels. More out of social embarrassment rather than toxic masculinity. I'd suggest there's a little bit of the latter. Any suggestions on how to prevent me rolling over all over the bed in my sleep

or am I just being a quendo? Nice one. That's from Adam Richardson. Roofie yourself. Every time, Victoria! Are you telling them? Christ! Is this what you're going to do with your missus

when you need to clean the flat? She's going to wake up all groggy, like, what's happened? Oh, the flat's sparkling! Mate, I genuinely, if you're on the piss with your boys and you need to share a bed, just fucking get on with it.

What's wrong with sleeping on the floor? Oh, really? Are you a floor man? I mean, what's the difference? What's wrong with spooning? Spooning with the boys? Come on now. Is that Protestant or Catholic?

That sounds Catholic to me. It definitely sounds Catholic. I don't know, man. You'll be fine. You'll be all right. Just kiss his dick and get off. Just kiss his dick. Is he your best friend?

Yeah. As soon as he comes, he falls asleep anyway. Adam, I think you'll be fine. I fucking hate sleeping on the floor. Brittle. Not really, Adam. Have you not asked? One of the things about starting out in comedy

is you just have to accept a bed, a floor, a sofa, a couch, anywhere that you're offered yeah it's one of my favorite things about moving up the like you know when you move up the pay rankings and you're like finally i think i'm on headline money oh my god i'm never gonna have to stay on someone's cheap as fuck 85 pound ikea futon yeah that doesn't open up yeah i loved it it's got those big things those big buttons why do they always have buttons in them

what's the function of them hold the futon together but what just stitch it just roofie yourself just roofie

yourself Vittorio's answer for everything we've got some have a words Alex Farr says Wag wag lads Except Sensei Carl

He knows what he's done Have a word with my mam She's 47 She and my dad got divorced a few years back And now she's in a serious relationship With somebody my age 24 I used to hate this guy

We all get on now But I think it would be funny to hear Your take on the situation. How do I not kill him every time he makes attempts and flirty jokes in front of me? No need to keep anonymous. Love you all from the Welsh Valleys. Still mad at you, Carl.

I don't know what's gone on with this guy and Carl, but it's probably some racism. Given the history. God, you Welsh are so fucking touchy. Also, my mam listens. If that's a help. Love you. What?

Love you guys. What? Why is everyone letting their mums watch this shit? No. No. So I got, I was really ill last week. I had norovirus, had some pretty biblical shits. And I drink way too much caffeine and not hydrated properly.

Yeah. So I, I literally do not have the fluid in my system. That's not stopping. I don't, I'm not hydrated enough to shit myself 17 times in like six hours. So by Thursday morning coming out of like the worst of Norovirus, I was like a fucking digestive biscuit.

So dry. It felt so rough. It's taken me days to recover. Then we had to do the half blind date show where I gave it absolutely everything. I was nearly asleep at the wheel eight minutes after the show time. Cause I just, I did that thing where you're like,

you know, you don't feel well. There's a massive show and you're like, I've done it. I've done my job. I need, I need to go home immediately before someone puts a drink in my hand. It's the Michael Jordan flu game. You know the flu game, Michael Jordan?

Right. He was really unwell and he had to be carried off the court at the end of every play, but he was like, scored 40, 50. That's exactly how I see it. I mean, I was dressed as Cilla Black

and we basically did a fucking Doss around blind date show. But I felt so, like, dehydrated and ropey. Finn came to collect his guitar on the Sunday, so I went and got the guitar out of my car. You know when you're like, oh, I do not feel well still. And I saw these old ladies, like old deers, walking down the road. It's pretty much a village.

There's only old people and people with young families in our village. There's so many 60-, 70-, 5-year-old ladies walking dogs all the time. And I'd just get, I'd be like, hi. Sometimes I'd say hello. You know when you're ill and you're like, I thought I was hearing things. I heard one of them go, blind date. And I was like, oh.

I just caught myself going, oh, I'm so ill. I'm so ill that I'm imagining two old ladies talking about me. They were like 30 yards away. I just imagining two old ladies talking about me. They were like 30 yards away. I just like, I was like, oh, just. So I kept getting your, like I got the boot out. And then they'd walked up to where I was. And one of them went, how did it go last night?

Half blind date. And you know, and you're just like, you know what this podcast is and what it represents. And the absolute filth that we talk like i love it and i love all these lids but in my head women my mom's age don't listen to this and they go sluts obviously they can and that's fine but i'm like not i wasn't well enough to deal with someone's mom going hello love she went and she was telling her other friend who clearly didn't know what was happening she was like he's

still a blacked up i was like oh my god this woman knows all the terminology but normally i'd have been like all right cool but i was just feeling so frail and dehydrated and then she went and she went uh yeah my son is a patreon you know him don't you i was like oh it's one of the dads from from my daughter's school she he's letting his mom the fucking mental watch our patreon so i'm like okay and she went and i just watched the roast freddie quinn my god so of all the content we've put out in the last two years what's the most offensive shit that's happened? It's Freddie Quinn at the roast, isn't it? And if you've not signed up to the Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod

and watch Freddie Quinn take it way too far. And here is a 70-year-old lady going, I thought it was funny as fuck. And then drag a poodle off into the distance. Could not take it. So, um... Well, I would say to that guy guy if his mom's listening to your podcast then it's fair game if she's going out with a young man you think yeah because i mean

she's open-minded obviously she's in with the ute yeah but hang on in with the ute is all good and it get the few references like fucking them yeah fucking them is a little too far in isn't alex's mom you're gonna have to roofie yourself don't roofie your mouth oh i'm groggy well at least he didn't fuck you he's roofing his own mom so she doesn't get fucked just put her in a cupboard somewhere um i the the problem is to a 24 year old their 47 year old mom feels like feels like they're too old and like oh she's she's an old lady yeah i'm telling you right now 47 is all good yeah it's prime i used to think 47 i used to think 47 what do you yeah what would you do what would you do if i was going out with one of my mates how old your mom's school my mom is i need to work so 57. is she hot what is she hot yeah are you the same age as his mom yeah oh i could be your dad actually there's a reason they

brought me here today did you roofie my mom and now here you are 47 doesn't sound old what would you do what would you do if one day i came in before a patron episode and said lads i've been seeing this lady and she's 47 would you be like yeah go on or would you be like what are you doing finn yeah i would stand here and clap okay i would be impressed if you would just stick your dick in any woman like i want you to live i'm married i've been i've been with my partner for eight years live for me finn for the love of tits i want to see you banga late i I don't want to watch you. Why? I just want to hear the stories. I don't like Adam's stories.

They're grim. He's too, there's too much, he's too banging. It's that successive. I'm worried he's going to end up with a scratchy place. But I'd be so happy for you. I think 47 might be beyond your top age range limit. Slightly. Although loads of advantages, you know, she'll have half the mortgage

paid off, you know. You can play FIFA with their children their children you know bang them on and then be like yeah cool let's let's play you know this sounds quite good actually yeah you know she can cook she probably bakes wow suck the dick off you all right i'm sold right cool it's the gap rather than the upper age isn't it well so it's it's about the gap say if what your mate is your mate tim same age as you yeah right and you're 40 now this doesn't work because you're gonna you're gonna near double my age so if bondy walked in with a 78 year old girlfriend i'm roofing myself. No, we're not doing that, you young cunt.

I went to a Grab a Granny night in Cork, Ireland. You ever done that gig? Right beside the gig in Cork, the comedy club, what's it called? I can't remember. Yeah, the Cats or whatever. But they have a Grab a Granny night in the same building. It's not branded Grab a Granny night, is it?

It's just one of those. I don't think it's called grab a granny. It's just one of those disco nunners. Disco nunners, but yeah, but it's like a lot of young Turkish guys like Finn in their trackies looking for money to be spent on them. You know, like you go in there, you're a student, you don't have much money. You go and get a granny to buy you drinks all night.

Teaser. They're just glad of the company. Turn it around. Yeah, they are, yeah. They're all done up. don't have much money. You go and get a granny to buy you drinks all night. Teaser. They're just glad of the company. Turn it around. Yeah, they are. They're all done up. They're all looking good. But I grab a granny. They're all like 60, 67 years of age.

You're kind of a woman. Yeah. It's not horrible. I think it's... You don't even need to roofie them. They're so old, you could just put the weakest link on and they'd drop off.

Just drop a raisin in their mouth and they fall asleep no london um oh jesus um uh steven clifton let's uh let's end on this one one Stephen Clifton says wag wag lids I don't know if this is a national thing or just here in my adopted home tune I'd suggest this is from the north east

of England but what the fuck is this recent craze in young men having mullets they're absolutely minging and I'm baffled as to why

they think a lady would want to play with their pud looking like Joe Exotic it's mental they look they look gopping and a clear case of blinding following a trend with no originality.

Well, I don't know what that sentence was meant to mean, but good for you for trying. Say it in a Geordie accent. They look gopping and a clear case of blinding following a trend with no originality. Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. You know what I'm saying? Absolutely. You know. That makes sense. You know what I'm saying?

Absolutely. You're a fucking magic. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, man. You've got two fringes, one off the back of your head. You're a fucking spanner. Or you need to have a word with me, and I need to let people live their best lives in neon writing.

Cheers, lids. I'll see you at Blind Date. Well, you did see us at Blind Date, Stephen. So I don't know what that sentence was, but he's not happy with mullets. You strike me as a man who's had a mullet. I've had a mullet, but also in Canada, mullets are big because of ice hockey helmets.

Because you want to show the ladies that you've got long hair, but you've also got to fit the helmet on, so you can't have it all down your face. So this bit's all shaved, and then big, long bit at the back the longer the better oh so it actually suits the sport you get it you get it you get it you get it short on the side really long at the back so you can still have luxurious long hair for those sensual moments after you've roofied someone and then it does scream white trash doesn't it it really does it does look like that i think that's the ironic look the hipster look,

as to wear the little moustache, the baseball cap and the mullet, but they're doing it ironically. It's kind of a look, isn't it? Whereas in Canada, it's not. Oh, it's not ironic. No, yeah. There's a serious man. You don't laugh at their mullet.

It's a man's haircut. So I don't know what your little friend from Newcastle there is, but wouldn't have your big mouth flapping away like that there in Canada. You'd get a hockey stick to the head there, buddy. I don't think, I think everyone's doing it like as hipsters over here, aren't they? Yeah, it's very indie boy. You go to a lot of indie band nights. What's the trend?

There's a lot of mullets. I don't know where it's come from. Remember Bob from the recording day at Christmas he's got a mullet now it's quite, yeah it's indie music yeah they go for the full mullet mullet is one of the few hairstyles that I could

still grow everything's growing pretty well off the back, in fact it might be the only hairstyle I can go for. I don't know. What's a skullet? I don't know.

Oh, is that a bald? Skullet, yeah, the old Bill Bailey. I mean, I'm not getting a lot of sex now. I don't think a skullet's going to do a lot for me. You never know until you try. That's true. I don't know. I can do something roofier, Barbara.

We can weave it into a pigtail and give Bondi something to hang on to. Oh, Jesus. Pigtails. Come here, Dan. That's why I shaved my head so I've got no purchase. My ears are a problem, though. They're like fucking handles. Oh, yeah.

I like big ears on a girl. Here we go. That's what you're about to say on a four-year-old comedian. You like big ears on a girl? Yeah. Have you seen Encanto? Yeah.

You're the only one who can hear that good. Right. Oh man. Yeah. You know that the nose and the ears are the one part of the head that keeps growing so maybe older women

is the way you should go because their ears are massive. They of the head that keeps growing so maybe older women is the way you should go. Oh my god. They're big now. Oh fucking barrel. That's why he volunteers at all people's homes. What's weird is I had a Dumbo toy from when I was born. Oh Jesus. You walk around and go look at the ears on that.

But my girlfriend gets upset because she has small ears. Oh no. And now you're just throwing it in her face. I like them on fellas as want big i want my ears to stick out more big flappers i'm gonna get them pinned forward like the fucking bfg yeah i like that as a kid as well i'm fucked up who the fuck has ever talked about the bfg um i don't think there's much much there's much following that boys it's been an absolute pleasure

could you tell us about your new podcast it's not brand new is it you've done 10 episodes we've done 10 episodes, we call that a series we're going to do them in a series of 10 the podcast is called Songs and the Key of Laugh

it's with my friend David Timms he's a musical director, a keyboard genius songwriter and composer, he works with Mike Chapman, he's one of the people who wrote Blondie Songs Simply the Best for Chapman and Chin he's in his 70s now

so David is a very well respected songwriter and it's just exploring musical comedians. I think musical comedy and musical comedians, there's a shit side to it, where it's just musical parody, you just change the... There's a lot of cynical, not very funny comedy out there

that's done with a guitar. Harland Williams, who's a Canadian comedian, used to say, all you need to do is change one word and he'd just like play one note and he'd go, he's got the whole world

in his hair. He's got the whole wide world. He just changed the word or even better, just change one letter. You know, like Michael Road, the go to shore.

You know, that's music. That is worst, but at its best, you've got, I guess like Monty Python, Eric Idle, you know, Bo Burnham, people like thatty Python, Eric Idle, you know.

And Bo Burnham, people like that. Yeah, Bo Burnham, Bill Bailey. Minchin's amazing, yeah. You know, Tim Minchin. Flight of the Conchords is still sort of my favorite comedy. Exactly, right, and it's musical comedy. And I think you don't really, and so we kind of explore how ubiquitous musical comedy is

in like jingles for you know even the Crazy Frog which drove everyone crazy one of the biggest songs ever it's just a comedy it's really just a comedy track but then also you've got like sound effects and stuff you have jingles on this

so you know technically they're comedy songs yeah someone wrote them someone just sit down yeah yeah so we just kind of take it apart and it's sort of

it's not quite as ruthless it's a bit more slightly more educational not even educational I think most podcasts are don't worry about it exploratory it's not quite as ruthless. It's a bit more, slightly more educational. Not even educational. I think most podcasts are, don't worry about it. Exploratory.

Like we're just trying to explore the genre. Where can we find you, Phil? Well, you can go to songsinthekeyoflaugh.com or it's on Acast. All right, great. Can you smile when you say that's great? You're like trying.

Hey! There you go. Say it again. That's great. It's been. Hey! There you go. Say it again. That's great. It's been an absolute pleasure having you on. Thanks, man. Go check out Vittorio's previews, one at Gulliver's in Manchester,

one at Phase One. We will stick the links in for those in the descriptions. My new monthly comedy club is the Comedians Club Chester. It's at the St. Mary's Creative Space, and it launches on June the 11th. There's only 200 tickets for that show, and Phil Nicol is going to be, so I cannot, like, it's really weird waxing lyrical about someone's comedy while they're sat there. But Phil is one of the most mesmerizing headliners you will see

in British comedy. The first time I saw him was when he dragged me from the bar to be the sound tech. And I sat there mesmerized going, I want to do this. And I'm not sure I've ever will be able to do it to this level. And I'm so chuffed that he's the guy that's going to open the comedy club in Chester. So get tickets. The link is in the YouTube comments.

It's been an absolute pleasure, my friend. Yeah. Thanks. And Vittorio, thanks for being our cohost, man. That's all right.

If you want to actually hear Adams on my podcast this week. So whenever this comes out on Saturday slash Mondays, when I do my early release in public, King Lyd will be on. And that's the Roofy pod, so check it out. It's called Vittorio's podcast. Fuck your brands. All right, look after yourself.

The Patreon exclusive next week is going to have Adam back. Oh, and we've got Ishan next week with Adam back. He's back off tour. So thanks for sticking with us. Appreciate you. Megan, go ahead. All right. Yeah, definitely should.

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