Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #164 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: March 21, 2022

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Adam we've got some exciting news about the sponsors we have but I've forgot what it is can you remind me it's manscaped.com they've levelled up and they're now our main podcast sponsor our official lead sponsor from now on manscaped.com use our promo code WORD20 to get their products this is now the have a word podcast brought to you

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally. Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered welsh weirdo this is the one and only the now infamous the soon-to-be legendary have a word go ed get on me Hey Me and Karl got offered a threesome By an Eastern European woman last night He's the wrong Wingman for that shit isn't he He's defo the wrong wingman We politely, isn't he? He's defo the wrong wingman for that. We politely declined.

You could have a league table of dirty reprobates. You don't want too dirty, because you're going to have to see a dick. But he's not in there, is he? Old fucking steady commitment Carl. She was the... She offered me, yeah. Oh, did she come to you first,

and then he was the add-on? No, it was sort of like it was more implied wasn't it I mean she definitely said that at one point and then took it back hang on

she implied it recently no listen so here's what happened last night we were driving back from the stag do so we've been on

Paul Smith stag do yeah in Scotland last night was just fizzling out we hadn't drank so I was like let's get home

I can hear you've been on a stag do in my voice yeah oh yeah oh Barry Adam's get home. I can hear you've been on a stag do. In my voice? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, Barry. Adam's at home. I've been up near Falkirk. Literally cigars and whiskey.

That was good, you know. Where did this fucking lady of the night come in? Oh, so she was the receptionist at the Holiday Inn. In, where was it? Lancaster. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Have you been offered a threesome?

Have you just been offered a disabled access room? No. You're going to need a handlebar to... She wants it. So we got there at like four o'clock in the morning. We were so tired. It was dangerous to carry on driving. We were doing,

because I've been in Jordan Otham's car this week. We were doing relays. Half an hour in the middle I was driving. Hang on doing, because I've been in Jordan-Otham's car this week, we were doing relays. Half an hour each. He was sleeping while I was driving. Hang on. Have you driven today? Yeah. From Lancaster?

Yeah. You fucking mongs. How are you this late from Lanc- We missed the exit by 12 miles. Yeah. Midday we were meant to be here. You got in at fucking 10 past one. But I was like, yeah, cool.

You've driven down from Falkirk. You hung over. You've driven from Lancashire. Yeah, but we got there at 5 a.m. It's one county up. Oh, my God. You can do that journey from here to Lancaster. It's an hour and 10 minutes.

It's an hour and 25, actually. Oh, yeah, especially if you miss the dancing in the moonlight. Bloody hell, we're in Coventry We missed the exit by 12 miles That's why we were late We would have been here for half 12 Which is what time I told you we'd get here When I woke up this morning

Bullshit You missed one junction and you're 40 minutes late No, we missed a 12 mile junction A 12 mile? We missed it by 12 miles So you double that then? Because you've got to come back again That's 24

Oh, 24, yeah lad And that's about half an hour, innit? And that's exactly how late we were You see your fucking tit yeah we were meant to be here at midnight lads we're gonna have to make it half 12 midnight oh no it is midnight oh lost all authority you said midnight can't get it wrong fucking time to save your dick tell me the story so we got there and it's four o'clock in the morning and she's like sort of she looked like happy that we were like yeah do you know what i mean and she was easterly yeah and the computers were down she was easterly i've never heard anyone use the phrase easterly she's very easterly the computers

were all down so she couldn't get our room key sorted and then she goes she definitely said if it doesn't happen in a moment, do I have to come back to my own? Fuck me. And I went, what? I heard it. And she went, if, if it,

she goes, I'm just saying if it doesn't work, you might have to stay in my house. And I went, hmm. But she definitely said, do you want to fuck me? Yeah.

It is raining outside. It's very cold. Don't want to see my pussy. That's what she was saying. Right. So. Honestly, this all happened. The problem is, and i'm loving this story and i'm so glad we're opening with it this story is so good i'm over the missing the junction

but you're making it you're making it sound like a gay german man and that's more believable if he was like hello welcome welcome to lancaster oh my name is gunterther. The computer's down. It's covered in my jizz. I've drowned the computer in my man love. You're going to have to come back to your mind. She just kept whispering stuff under her breath. Oh, your room is very hot. Get out your dick.

We heard it all. I swear to God. She was making idle conversation and then making sexual threats. Yeah. That is nice today. She was like, oh, so where have you come from? Is then making sexual threats. Yeah. Weather's nice today. She was like, oh, so where have you come from? Is it raining, Chiz? Yeah.

So where do you come from today? And we were like, Scotland. She goes, oh, it's very cold up in Scotland. Who wants to see my tits? We were like, what? She goes, it's very cold in Scotland. The problem with, and I'm loving the story, but you get carried away and then you make it silly, silly.

And I can't, i don't know what to believe is it oh you come from scotland why don't you suck on my pussy yeah is that what she said and we were going in there we were going what she's going what you're going to need a bigger room like a disabled access room because i'm going to break your dick off i'm gonna fuck you so hard you'll be disabled she wasn't being that sort of on the nose oh she wasn't she was that's too on the nose more subtle than oh it's colder there do you want to suck on my tits more subtle like the second half she'd whisper so she'd be like very very cold and scottland i mean like what she's got nothing still pissed when you got in at lancaster

pissed on tiredness we didn't drink yesterday all right cool yeah and everton won for the first time right it's like four decades everton won and the woman's like oh my god you're worried about relegation let me fuck you yeah i make it better yes she's i like liverpool i've been there many times before do you want to see my asshole Alan C. Maximan did not score I will suck your dick yeah yeah yeah do you want to touch my asshole with your thumb thumb my bumhole

thumbhole it was weird and it took it sounds weird it took it sounds weird it took 45 minutes no exaggeration

for them to check us in at 4am. I think we've worked out why old fucking whatever Svetlana is doing the night shift. Because this would be inappropriate with families turning up to check in. Oh my goodness, you have kids. You must have fucked really hard to make them. Want to make babies in my pussy?

Your wife is crying. I used her tears at lube it took so long i was dark and joey it took so long we were literally if we had kind of done driving we wouldn't be we'd be dead yeah so tired like we were falling asleep at the wheel but we were like yeah i'm not surprised i mean you know early afternoon you've missed the junction late night you could have just kept driving fucking hell lad we're in the water. You've driven over the fucking White Cliffs of Dover in that bed. God, I was listening to Sam Fender.

Yeah, she was very keen, this woman. She was. Yeah, she's out there. The old fucking night shift cock gobbler. Oh my God, she's out there. The old fucking night shift cock gobbler. Oh my God, she sounds fucking amazing. Laura's going to be like, where are you going at two in the morning? Lancaster, Lancaster.

But we were playing this game in bed when we got there and we couldn't sleep because we were screaming and laughing. It's cold outside. The first one she definitely said, she goes, if it doesn't work in a minute, do I have to stay in mine and fuck me? And I went, what? She went, I'm just saying,

if it doesn't work, I have to stay in mine. And fuck me. She definitely said, and fuck me. She, I mean. 100%. 100%. She was attractive as well. Was she?

The little known attractive night goblin at Lancaster. Travel lodge, did you say? Holiday Inn. Oh, Holiday Inn. The whole Holiday Inn, that's what it was called. You don't want to see the travel lodge. You're like, can I box you in with my tits?

Oh my God, I suck everybody off. Would you like breakfast? It's £12.95. Oh, we'd just been to the hospital before that as well. Yeah. What's going on? What's going on? We'd genuinely just been to the hospital before that as well? Yeah. What's going on? What's going on? We'd genuinely just been to the hospital.

Been to the hospital in... Why didn't I come to this? That dude sounds fucking epic. I've not heard one thing about this. I'm sorry in reverse, bro. Yeah. I've just heard Miss Junctions, a dirty old fucking Polish lady,

who sounds way German. Eastie. She was Eastie. East German. If I had to stake me life on it... She's a bit of an old... A bit old school. Yeah. If I had to stake My life on it She's a bit of an old Bit old school If I had to stake

My life on it I would say Transylvania Transylvania And that's in what country? It's There we go Oh

It's near Is it near Pittsburgh? What country? Is it going to go? Holland Ah yeah Famous The famous Dutch vampires.

Strop, strop. That's a girl shot, man. Strop, yeah. She's not ready. Wait, what? It's Transylvania? Romania. Romania.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's fucking Romanian. Yeah, yeah. She's got to be like a little bit more like- She has a short black bob and glasses on. Oh, 100% Romanian. Yeah. Sounds like a short black bob and glasses on. 100% Romanian. Yeah.

Sounds like a vampire who, eh? Yeah. Yeah. I love it. The things we agree with each other on. Yeah. Yeah. Classic vampire slime.

One of those things as well. A vagina. A big vagina. I'm sorry about this. We had a full rugby team here last night. An accordion. She had an accordion. She must be absolutely battered.

If two random knobbers turn up at 5am, she's like, oh, finally, some dick to check in. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. Have you got your passport? Don't need it. Have your jizz in my eye? Like, yeah, no. She asked me to write down my name and phone number.

She did. No, and she did. It wasn't on it. Oh, my God, You've run out of barrel Do you know what was mad It wasn't on like An official Poster note

It was on a It was on a fucking Poster note As in she's talking About my name and phone number And cocksizing Now Granted

The computer wasn't working So it might have been for that But I'm I'm waiting on a text like Yeah It's the way she The computer not working Is one thing

But if you take the post-it note And then sniff it That's a bit suspicious Write your number there Oh thank you She rubbed it on her pussy She rubbed it on her fanny Yeah

Oh let me tell you Room 517 Oh my god That's actually the room Yeah yeah yeah yeah That's mad He was there Fucking rumours going around mate

But yeah Holiday in Lancaster Southbound We've just been to hospital I'm going down down baby There's fucking rumours going around, mate. But yeah. Holiday in Lancaster, southbound. We've just been to hospital. I'm going down, down, baby. Just been to hospital. In Stirling.

Fourth Valley Royal Hospital at the A&E. Stirling? Yeah. Falkirk. Oh, yeah, more Falkirk. Yeah, yeah, stupid of me. Because Phil Chapman smashed his knee. Carrying beer to the car for us.

Yeah. Because there was a lot of leftover ale and there wasn't going to be much beer to the car for us yeah because there was a lot of leftover ale and there wasn't going to be much room in the cars coming back they were like will you take some of the beers home

because I had I was just meeting him in my car yeah and Phil was carrying it to the car slipped and like he thought

he'd shattered his kneecap Tom cigarred himself he put all his weight onto his knee and it turns out he's dislocated his kneecap his kneecap is currently like behind his knee behind his weight onto his knee and it turns out he's dislocated his kneecap his kneecap is currently like behind his knee

behind his knee like his kneecap wasn't it does move weird the kneecap doesn't it if you get it in a like he was touching his knee that was good and then realised

the other one wasn't there aye aye aye and he went he went see through I've never seen anyone like because Phil Chapman is pale

he's pale anyway isn't he but he's so short of himself Phil he's always like sort of no that's what I think and seen anyone like because Phil Chapman is pale he's pale anyway isn't he but he's so sure of himself Phil he's always like sort of no that's what I think and he was so he looked like

a child like a rabbit in the headlights he went into proper shock shaken and he was seen through and he's like what do I do do I go home or

so we got him to that hospital we were going to try and get him home to put him in the hospital in Liverpool but we thought if he like sort of takes a funny turn on the way home and we have to drop

him at carlisle hospital then he's stuck in carlisle if you have to stop in lancaster he might get his kneecap sucked off oh welcome you're disabled you can't get away from it it's a fucking good job he wasn't in the car why what happened with us being fucking tired imagine we got him in the hotel room oh yeah it's a good point is he alright is he still in Scotland then

yeah convalescing he's been actually it's a dislocated kneecap fucking hell that's 10 to 12 weeks out isn't it

a hell of a stag do I bet stayed in a castle plain castle in between Stalen and Falcao what do you mean plain castle

that's what it's called. It's called Plain Castle. As in plain. You've changed. Just to fucking boring castle. Dead player. I like more turrets, me. It wasn't haunted.

Like the ones we're used to. Yeah. Shout out Ghost Hunt 2. Very popular. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. So there was a lot of people there. I'm not going to say who was doing what, name wise. But there was a comically big bag of drugs.

A bag of drugs. No, it was a bag. It was like a prop. Right. Like, it was as big as that. And filled halfway up with MDMA. Like a prop. Like, have you made drugs for the stage show?

And that was just Danny Macs. No, the joke was there, guys. Danny Macs is one of the definite doesn't do drugs. A good number of those lads that don't do that stuff, you're not arsed about it. Danny's, I mean, I live with Danny. He was always dead sound about me doing drugs, but I was like, it's basically like, you have your tits? I was like, yeah! And he was always dead sound about me doing drugs but I was like it's basically

he was like you have your tits I was like and he never he was never a dick about it but uh so so what happened

because at my stag do there was the haves and have nots yeah and I said to everyone that was doing it do us a favour my dad's here

my uncle Robert's here and there's other people who aren't into it there's a couple of teachers they don't need like not that teachers don't do it but i just so i was like you can do it but if you ever just go to a room and let oh there was room don't let them know oh yeah so genuinely kate more grew okay it was a smack room oh was there right she came back and she was like i've only just worked out that everyone was high Because we did such a good job Oh no no no

It was very apparent That everyone was high Right It's MDMA You can't cover MDMA The only two people With their top on Was Carl and Danny McLaughlin

I have my top off Rob I say his name Rob Thomas Is that drugs That's every live show We've done recently Like tops off

Isn't drugs is it Well no Some of us Had our tops off without doing drugs. And some of them had their tops off because they were on drugs. Oh, right. Okay, cool. Rob was just drunk and nearly sexually assaulted me. There's a picture of it.

Rob Thomas? Look at this picture. Slide this in. You're really going to like this. Do you know what? I think if Rob Thomas wants to sexually assault you, I'm not sure you're going to do much about it. It took me 40 minutes to stop him.

Oh, God. Yeah. what i think if rob thomas wants to sexually assault you oh it was sure you're gonna do 40 minutes to stop him oh god yeah and he's wet at this point wet like not moist you like i hope that's in right there it is can we could screenshot the zoom in it's in holy shit he is soaking wet you're a victim yeah and he was chasing me around the room. Yeah, that was night one. It always goes big the first night, doesn't it? Oh, it was chaos. And then... How many rooms? It was a castle. So there was 17 of us and everyone,

apart from Binti, who had his own room, was sharing a room. So there was nine rooms. Yeah, nice. Oh, on night one, in the mix, in the middle of everyone getting hammered and doing mdma uh there was a carvery um a good one as well i'm not joking there's certain things that never need to be fucking combined, do they? MDMA and Carveries. MDMA and Carveries. No, you want to see that.

Yeah. Oh, my God. It was lots of dessert left over. Put it that way. How much Yorkshire Pud can you handle when you're off your tits on MDMA? That was night one. That was very fun. And then...

Just music, chatting, running around, having... Was there a swimming pool? No swimming pool. Just to fuck around. Yeah. House it was just a castle house party there are no swimming pools in falkirk that's an album name though yeah day two was the highland games in the morning um and you've got to tell him what fred said i don't know if he wants to turn it into a bit but he might turn it into a bit but freddy made me scream laughing so i felt really bad for freddy because we're doing highland

games so it's like shot put um tug of war sack race stuff like that so me and rob thomas were captains and had to pick play you know like when you do captains and you pick and freddy was picked last because because look well um and he couldn't have been less interested in the games he was shit at all of them and i you know when i lose it laughing because later that night he was like no it was last night he goes those highland games yesterday i fucking hated it was like why he was like because i just hate like compass like being competitive for the sake of it. He's like, watching you and... Because me and Rob Thomas were captains

and screaming at each other. He's like, watching you and Rob Thomas scream at each other over who can throw a welly the furthest. It's one of the stupidest things. One of the games. I don't get the thinking. What do you mean?

I don't get the thinking. Like, if Freddie was not into any sports, I could almost get the thinking. What do you mean? I don't get the thinking. Like, if Freddie was not into any sports, I could almost see the thinking. It kind of, like, don't get me wrong, I'm not slagging off sport, I'm into sport. But if you can get dead into your team beating another team, and you're sat on your fucking couch, how can you not get into your two mates

having a barney about welly throwing? Because he was shit, had he? Right. Right, okay. So it was like, why am I here? I was screaming and laughing. Because it was fun, the Highland Games. But when we first walked into the garden that it was in,

it looked pathetic. It was a garden with bunting. Lower League Highland Games. He put bunting all around the garden. Who, Rob? No, the fella who owns the castle. Right? He was running the games. The owner of the fella who owns the castle, right? He was running the

games, the owner of the castle. Like the shot put, he literally just picked up a big stone off the floor and was like, right, we're going to

throw this. It was like he was making it up. It was fun, it was great, but it was like he was making it up. We did a haggis and

spoon race, so we got given a big fucking ladle and he gave us a haggis to put in it. You know like an egg and spoon race at school, so it

was that. Good. Because you're in Scotland and they haggis, he knew it like an egg and spoon race at school so it was that good because you're in scotland and they i guess he knew that he fucking knew that it's clever um yeah there was archery there was um with proper bows and arrows oh that was great compound crossbows not compound bows compound bows not crossbows listen i love freddie but how could you not be like, that sounds great. This is the day after MDMA Comical Bag, the morning after. Right. Everyone's in the bin.

I had no sleep. I was wearing eyeliner, and we went and did archery on my stag do on the second, like, classic Saturday morning. Got there Friday, got messed up. Saturday morning, we were in a forest doing archery on the Saturday morning. I think you've just got to get into it. We did, though were in a forest doing archery on the Saturday morning. I think you've just got to get into it.

Well, we did though. We did get into it. So, it was fun. It was very, very fun. And we all went and had a little chill. And then the plan

for that night was to go and watch the Liverpool game in Stirling City Centre. And it is a city. I thought it was a town. It's a city. It's got a university.

A historic castle, I think, Stirling, isn't it? It's very strategically important back in the day. I don't know how I know that it was a big battle i read mary mary um fuck me mary queen of scots yeah there's a battle of bastards or something the battle of bastards we did learn about that famous began with a b battle chuckle or something battle of the chuckle brothers bannockburn They had a straightener That was it yeah

There Yeah Well done Oh there was some Some Scottish listeners going The fuck Well apparently they shit I was in that battle

Right So well in Erm Well How did that work out long term Evolution Found a sports bar Erm The ones who wanted to watch the footy Stayed found a sports bar erm

the ones who wanted to watch the footy stayed in the sports bar and a few others wanted whiskey so they went to Molly Malone's little Irish pub nearby

sounds great watched the Liverpool game then we went and met them in Molly Malone's so we're all in the Irish pub

and then we decided we wanted to go to the only nightclub in Stirling literally the club. On a Wednesday.

It was student night. But it was, that's the busiest night of the week in Stirling. All right, cool. Because it's full of students. Busy though. Not like, oh, it's busy for a small town or a city. Fucking ram. So it looked like newsagents, you know, like tiny little newsagents.

There's just one one like one person it looks like a front door no bigger than that wall behind you right and there's a massive queue for it so Rick Carr

who was with us and he's a doorman as like he's an actor and a comedian but he does he's nails yeah but he

what did he just play in he's in Brassic Brassic he played like a bare knuckle boxer, didn't he? Yeah. And he looks like one.

Fucking nails. Shout out to Rick because he listens to this as well and he's fucking great. I hope you're well. Regards to your family. But he goes over to the security guard

because he can speak security guard. Do you know what I mean? He's right though, right? Hello. Have some friends. If you want to get them in your tiny little hall of a club so he goes over and he's that was what it looked like yeah they basically do the hacker at each other 17 a lot so he goes over and he's like love mate um just wondering whether there's 17 of us,

whether it's worth us queuing to get in. Because, you know, we're not students. We're obviously not students. And the fella goes, we're fully sold out, mate. Why is he even here? And he goes, oh, it's me mate Stag do, Paul.

And he went, is that Paul Smith? Yes. That's when it works out. We were in then. So the security guy goes, go to another bar for 15 minutes and then come back and we'll let you in. So the security guard goes, go to another bar for 15 minutes and then come back and we'll let you in.

So there's still a big massive queue and me, Rick and Paul walk straight to the front and add everyone behind us. The security guards are listening to this as well. Hi boys.

So he's like, right, yeah, go in. I hope it was Bannockburn. So we go into the club. We take all 17 of us with us. At first, the guy was like don't make these pay these are fine and i the woman went how many of you is that and i said 17 and he went

make 10 of them pay right so it was like i just paid it i couldn't be arsed with everyone doing it all that so then we get in the the club it is full of 18 to 20 year olds yeah who all knew who me Carl Paul Smith all of us like they're Hoverware fans they're Hot Water fans it was

chaos it was children in small dresses it was but you know what I know what you mean but it sounded terrible that's what it was though

yeah apparently Stirling University they're allowed in at 11 it was though. Yeah, apparently Sterling University, they're allowed in at 11. It was so fun. The security guard had seen that I'd just gone, right, I'll just pay. And he come over to me and give me a bottle of tequila.

I was like, this is for you lads. Just give, just because he saw you being a good mate. Yeah. He was like, this is for you. Just share it with the stag. Mate, now I'm gutted I didn't come. Oh, it was so, so, so good. What was the nightclub called?

Do you remember? FUBAR. F-U-B. Shout out FUBAR. Yeah. At one point, I can't remember who came over to me. It might have been Chapman. And he went, the DJ wants a word with you.

So I was like, what? He goes, the DJ wants to talk to you. So I went over to the DJ. He's like, have a word. Yeah, he goes, yeah he goes fucking great lady but what song do you want on next so i got to choose the next few songs that he mixed it was fucking great what did you go for uh so fresh and so clean so fresh and so clean clean yeah um old outcast. Bit of outcast, yeah. I got so drunk.

We all did. But so drunk. I don't remember getting back to the castle. When we got back to the castle. Me and Rick, by the way, in the toilet. Me and Rick Carr. That sounds so good. I'm so jealous.

Oh my God, I got an invite. Me and Rick went up to the toilets Because Rick looks like the doorman I was like it's the head doorman here Standing by the door And I was banging on cubicles going come on lads the game's up I know you've got a limo in there And all the students are coming up going oh I'm sorry Going gives the limo

But I haven't got it I was like the head doorman's here and Rick was just standing there like that And everyone was just running off the toilet What was really funny actually, on the sports bar. Scared children. Yes, sick. So Paul's bride-to-be, Laurie,

her brother was with us, Jack. And for a laugh. Oh, that good looking devil. Yes. Jesus Christ. When we were in the sports bar, just for a laugh, he went and stood on the door

and was IDing and rejecting people. Just deciding who got to come into the sports bar for no reason whatsoever just no not tonight mate sorry

sending people away oh we've got enough gingers but it's full it's because pub golf students lads in fucking

shirts that don't fit them and we're all a group of 20 year old scouts confident lads we just took the town over

it was when we got back to the castle several of the children had made it back there was a 10 year old there I'm not asking Joe his name is he listens oh he shout out all those people who were like I reckon I could

tag along here just bobbing around like who the fuck is number 18 hello well he was there till 5 o'clock the next afternoon so when we got we got back

we got back to the castle I'm hammered and obviously I don't do drugs so I just went straight to bed Carl was already in bed he got back about 15 minutes before me

I was fucking blinded I had a full bag of balsamic vinegar and caramelised onion sensations and then went to bed big big bag of MDMA. Big bag of sensations. Two very different stag do's.

Went to bed. We could barely sleep, but we did sleep because we were drunk because everyone else was still up. We get up the next day at what, 12 o'clock? I got up a bit before you. A party started at 6 a.m. Started downstairs. Because they got the drugs out

because they got home mellowed a little bit and then blasted the music and got back on it at 6 a.m so we went clay pigeon shooting yesterday afternoon and got back and when we got back they were still up doing drugs from the day before yeah with stra With stragglers. No, I'm not jealous. Because I can't. There was some see-through people. No, I can't do it. Yeah. I wouldn't be able to pod for fucking ages. Last night's whiskey tasting was mellow.

Yeah. Were they there, though? Yeah, everyone was there. Just. All the refugees from the back of MDMA. Oh. Did they make it to the whiskey tasting? Yeah.

Yeah. That's fucking valiant it was in the castle though I'm usually eating cornflakes and wanking not the same time but like I just sort of

can't then go whiskey tasting yeah clay pigeon shooting was sick by the way yeah Carl were fucking great I got to the final

yeah I fancy myself as a bit of a to be fair I hit 4 out of 10 but I I found it very satisfying hasn't someone got in touch

asking if we want to do a Patreon special at a shooting place in North Wales might see you soon yep I got into the final with Phil

and Phil beat me by 1 yeah but he's disabled now so you win that one don't you you kneecapped him not with a gun with gravity

yep I think last night coming home was a good call because we'd be much tighter than we already are that is epic a fucking

everyone everyone that was there at FUBAR I hope you're watching this and your mind is blown that A that happened because if you're from

Stirling or uni in Stirling you don't expect you must be like any of us to walk in yeah it was it was it was mad that you could see them like what the fuck are you doing here why are you here i love

that shit yeah and there's so many of us all everyone was in a good in the good place everyone was dancing the music was everyone on their own terms was high as fuck yeah either on joy or a bag of joy yeah like i sat with paul blair like just talking for about two and a half hours about how proud of each other we were it's great hammered drunk like shots just kept getting brought over you know those like test tube shots that are like a quid ago there's a cute girl wandering around telling him we every time she came up to us as many people as were near us we went another eight yeah just again and it was like being 18 19 again i felt like we got more money yeah but we properly bought in to wearing a a shit all night club like in liverpool it'd be one of the worst nightclubs in the city but because it's the best it's the only thing in stalen it was it was fucking brilliant yeah because we'd all gone like this is it let's all get on board and we did i sat the shot girl down well that's what you've

got to do with these tag dues with every everything like this you have to just go we're doing highland games like i know freddie's gone i don't want to do it but it's way better if you just go cool we're doing this let's get into it we did fubar well i've just got to turn up i shot the i shot shot sat fucking out i shot the shocker i sat the girl down now she was 19 the shock girl i was like i sat down and went how young are you no I went because I was fucked I went have you got any dreams and she went yeah

I went what are your dreams bad quag and she went I want to live in Spain she went I want to study in Spain and stuff

I want to do it next year and I was like what's your name I can't remember her name I said I'm going to come back to Stirling next year and if you're working here and not in Spain

you're fucking dead she was like okay you're working here and not in spain you're fucking dead she's like okay dead yeah murder we were talking about your dreams you saying that sober sounded weird and threatening i can only imagine after little test tube shots and a bit of his tequila how weird that's i drank what's your dream what's your dream if you don't do that dream i'm coming back here i'm gonna murder you what's what films are then when he gets the kid the shop owner and he says somebody wake up tomorrow it'll be the best day of his life no god no no what for mangy it's gonna do my head in that

something like pulp fiction no the original jumanji oh it's fight do my head in now Jumanji Something like Pulp Fiction The original Jumanji Oh it's Fight Club Fight Club Yes it is It's Fight Club Jumanji It was like that I was like 400 Chase's dreams Don't be living in this town forever

And she's like I will I will And then I went and bought like 500 shots of tequila And went to the dance floor With Callum Oakley And just disappeared for a minute So good

Very jealous Guys Very jealous Yeah it was great I'm not jealous of how all because I'm mate I'm doing quite well

I've had one blip with the drugs where someone went do you want these and I went and then I've done alright done a couple of blips

I'm doing alright not going back to that dark place I got to in October September doing them on my own and lying but I wouldn't be able to be there without being one of the bellends that would,

I'd look like Casper the Ghost by Thursday morning. I'd have been totally see-through. I'd have kept going. So part of me is gutted that I missed it, but I have not got the self-control to see those bellends go. I'd just be into it. So I'm sort of glad. Even like all the gaps.

Sounds fucking brilliant. In the gaps between all the activities, we went to a curry, we got a kick around in the front, we were watching a footy in the castle, shooting a shirt. And everyone was on good form? Everybody.

Everyone. Oh, so good. Yeah, so good. Because there's some very different characters there. Saying we all work in the same industry. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, it just, it was the perfect mixed bag.

Everyone had a great time, on their own terms everyone had exactly the stag do they wanted to have yeah superb very happy

someone get married come on come on Carl it's time now that'll be Vegas she's really yeah

the marriage or the stag probably both alright like one girl cool I know you want to do low key wedding and not pay for everyone The marriage or the stag? Probably both. All right. Like one girl. Cool. I know you want to do low-key wedding and not pay for everyone.

Can you do what market stag do? That's what the point is. We have a great honeymoon in the stag do and then the wedding's just for us. Because you are the most, this is, I'm not fucking allowing that one. Yeah, I'm the closest.

But Vegas will be the stag. Has to be. For a fight Sterling or Vegas it's either Foo Bar or the Strip honestly that night

it may as well have been Vegas but the anonymity of being in a castle and not like obviously we went out on the Wednesday but the castle

just allowed everyone to do whatever they wanted to do with no worries about being photographed, filmed middle of nowhere not even so I did mine at an old house

near Chesterfield and everyone was like what are we doing I got a few messages you know like where is this again like in the middle of the country

we've got people coming from Newcastle Leeds Manchester some people coming from the East Midlands some coming from London

Chesterfield was in a great spot but crucially we're on the side of a hill and the guy who owns it lives like round the back in a house. You just, you could shout your fucking head off till five in the morning.

You're the only dickheads that can hear it. No one's pestering you. We were, none of us were famous, but I love that. And they had a little swimming pool. I think the rent in a house stag do is genius. It was great. It was such a good idea. No one ever goes, house stag do is genius. It was great.

You never, no one ever goes, they're too pissed, they can't come in. You know when people do Newcastle or try and do Dublin or whatever.

They don't break so. It's great, yeah, but it's a lot of logistics. Just get all the dickheads you like in a house or a castle. I think if I ever get money,

the stag do, I would do something similar to this. Yeah, definitely. Great. Maybe a really clever way is to try and do a place that's great

for a night out and then a castle nearby yeah yeah castle near Dublin holy shit that'd be unbelievable

apparently Dublin's a bit of a nightmare for stag do's they stamped down on it a few years ago really because they became so popular with stag do's

that it was like is it temple bar mm-hmmag do's that it was like, is it Temple Bar? Mm-hmm. They just sort of, it was almost like a zero tolerance. Like, you're not, if you're a bunch of English lads, you're not coming and making our fucking booze

because they were busy anyway. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, yeah. Castle near Glasgow. Oh, Jesus. Scotland's lovely. I love Scotland so much. I've been there loads lately. It's just, Jesus. Scotland's lovely. I love Scotland so much.

I've been there loads lately. It's just so nice. It's very good. Can we have a break? I want to think about what I've missed out on. Yeah. How big was the bag? I'm not messing.

Comical. It was filled about halfway up, and it was about as big as this Dettol thing. That's not an exaggeration. Mama like that. Mama like that. Mama like that. And at one point it went missing and we thought one of the children had stole it. But it turns out someone had just hidden it under the stairs that the children couldn't steal it.

Who? Can we name who hid it? No. Oh. Just say Phil Chapman. Get well, Phil. Shout out, Sterling. Shout out, Fubar.

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and create your coffee subscription. And you'll feel like me. I had Joris Elboni who's on a line of cocaine. He's hyped. Just reading. That's how good like me. I had Joris Elboni who's on a line of cocaine. He's hyped. Just reading. That's how good it is. Woo!

Dream on, Zia. There is snow falling from the sky. You need to warm up. Why don't you warm up between my tits and put your cock in my pussy? You could lose your fingers. Why don't you hide them in my very warm pussy? Arse.

You don't want to lose a foot to frostbite, but you might lose your cock to my pussy. Imagine if like... But not because of the sub-zero temperatures. I'll melt your dick with my warm pussy. And if your friend likes, he can store his dick in my other hole. That is the one of my arse,

where I poo from. Poo! I feel from. Poo. I'm making this clearer. I didn't get what you're insinuating. Holiday. Poo-thian. But that is the limit of my holes, because my mouth is for my marriage. From before.

I'm lost. Imagine if somebody from the holiday inn like the uppers the higher ups go we need to fucking investigate this and she gets pulled in we need a promotion if anything to what

holiday inn CEO Svetlana we're a little worried promotion you own it now see you later we're a little worried about some of your behaviour

it's been talked about on a podcast well if I don't I just suck your fucking pussy to be fair the first three letters

of both words are hole in, aren't they? Oh, Carl, that's what you get paid for. That level of bounce. Gave it away. What happened with this cunt with the tie around the neck at the game? He was... The anti-oil protester. He's done a very good job, hasn't he?

Ran on the pitch. And he zip-tied himself to the post. In Everton season, he's a bit older as well. Yeah, he's actually he won't look over the bill money the arteta money

even but where's the arteta money bill stop the oil what's just happened there what words

were you saying there literally what where's the arteta money it's a meme from whenever

it was skinned alright cool just me and about 80,000 people went eh no it's a very oh no loads of them

yeah jilly bean would have been like come on dan yeah yeah i'm in texas and even i know about the bill kenwright arteta money thing no bill kenwright was embroiled in a scandal wasn't he was he because they reckon he lost the arteta money when everton sold arteta to arsenal that's how fucking mental everton is like oh shit where put that Arteta money? There's only five mil. Bill! Bill! I've moved that package. Oh, we've lost the Arteta money. Come on, Gene.

Stop cleaning up the fucking transfer fees. It's not far away. So where's the Arteta money, guys? No, but there was genuinely, like the police got involved and everything. And he got cleared of all charges. But for a while, Bill Kenwright was like under investigation for losing the Arteta money.

It wasn't registered on Evan's account. Oh, well. And then he sold it to, you know, Usmanov or whatever. He's gone now. They had to extradite him. Yeah, we had a naughty one. He was only Finch Farm.

Not Finch Farm, the new one. No, he was Finch Farm, yeah. I'm telling you, there's a lot of people going, lads, have you had a fucking meltdown what are these words right anyway a man came on the pitch

a lad came on the pitch yeah he was he was protesting the current the foregoing laws of like oil and gas and shit and the government's

selling us out blah blah blah right so he basically like a climate protester essentially but if you watch the video he made he talks sense

and he's clearly quite an articulate kid and what he's done has worked so fair play to him so made, he talks sense and he's clearly quite an articulate kid. And what he's done has worked. So fair play to him. So what happened? He ran on and he zip-tied himself round the neck to the post

and he just stood there. So they just carried on? They just played on when he stood there? That would have been the best thing to do. Yeah. I agree. And then when they got him off... No.

It's a bad precedent to set, isn't it? When you run out of posts and some father's for justice going, no, dude, fuck you! Fuck you, Carol, I want my kids back! Someone sat in the centre circle just playing out on the mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it'd be really funny, you know, if that would be one way to get your kids back if you scored the winning goal at Goodison. Maybe use a cable teller, fuck off. Imagine that, he was going wide and he entered it. Goal.

Well, that beach ball goal comes against Liverpool for Sunderland all those years ago. It's the same thing. Men are just beach balls but more animus. Okay, now.

Put that in the book. Some random football references at the start of this one. I find they started off with the pussy and then they went random late notice football references.

It's basically going to be the next Inchelake Britain because you said this spring we mobilise. Ooh, And then we went random late notice football references. It's basically going to be the next Insulate Britain because you said this spring we mobilise. Ooh, this spring we mobilise. Because the winter's too cold. We hate oil, but we might lose our winkies. Protesting.

So in the spring, honestly, those clocks go forward and watch them. They'll all be out. You won't ever have the fucking kick around without Insulate Britain going, shut it down! They go forward and watch them they'll all be out you want to be able to have the fucking kick around with that insulate britain going shut it down go forward be great if they started doing all the major sporting events though yes they do carl just checking yeah they do yeah all of them go on yeah what about the bowls like no that's not major is it i'm talking isn't it like if they get involved in wimbledon what if they get hired as a ball boy And then just start throwing balls into the

Look at what it says on the ball Recycle No all the balls have got letters on them They have to put it together Insulated Britain Are going to stand out Like a Even in the application process

Welcome to the ball boy application process There'll be a load of fucking little Tory children All 17, 18 year olds and then one scruffy cunt who's got like dreads and sorry what's your name?

My name's like Blaze or something fucking Earthwind Earthwind and Earthwind do you love tennis? Yeah I really do man

yeah it's not game you know I think they'll be alright they probably try do you think they interview them on BBC Sports?

what? do you think they interview the ball boys on BBC Sports? how do you think they get ball boys for Wimbledon? They're members of the club, aren't they? Right. Is that true?

Yeah. They're tennis, like they're future tennis stars. Right, cool. Earthwinders as well. Yeah. What a great background. You can care about the climate and still be an elite sportsman. It's true.

Sebastian Vettel. What a fact but bore off though what's the best event he could interrupt and what could he do it'd be great if like it was the final

of the rugby world cup and someone's running free for the try and he just fucking spears and takes a smoke big earth winds gotta do some

fucking training on that one an absolute powerhouse flying down and he's like this is for the climate and gets his fucking spleen got through fuck off johnny wilkinson dead johnny wilkinson adam had to pull out a

fucking rugby player's name retired in 2009 famous winger johnny wilkinskinson a climate protester would come and a rugby player would like this would be so funny he'd just get to break someone's

fucking jaw on the way to still scoring a try he'd be sick in the boxing if he liked doing a thing earth wind earth wind

he'd sport where you're not going to die oh my god he could be the ref he could tie the ref up like they could kidnap the ref,

tie him in the fucking locker, lash him in there, lock it, put 20p in, lock the locker, and then he dresses the ref, and then halfway through the box, and he just starts punching the fighter's heads in.

Like, in the wrestling, when he does a slow count, he takes his fucking shirt off. He's like, fuck off, mate. Don't drill for fucking oil.

So, Earthwind, fuck off. The hippie climate protester, is going to start punching professional boxers mid-fight. You won't expect it, will you? They don't expect the ref to start smoking everyone. Mate, Earthwind, if you're watching,

just take a shit on a snooker table in the middle of the championship. Don't do any sport. All these suggestions are going to get you fucking murked. Right, right. Oh,

Super Bowl. That's it. Super Bowl. They're running for a fucking touchdown and you go trip them up. Oh, now that's right. You get murdered by a massive dude.

Get that brown out the pocket. Big shit. Hey, Sheffield. I'll just grab the black and pot it and go, hey, run off.

You're like, you're like snooker kid fuck it you can do with a shower never mind that just go over and just wazzle the balls everywhere on the table

fuck off fuck off no once you've shat on the snooker table that is a problem innit you spaz the balls up and they're like do you want to just get rid

of this fucking hippie you do one sport and integrity means their balls have got to be put back exactly where they were before. So they'll be a ref there for about an hour and a half. Oh, that'll take 15 minutes.

They'll just get the cameras out. A vegan shit in the middle of the world championship finals nuka table is a major issue. You can't just lift it up and like, oh, just lift it up and get a new table. It's illegal for boxers to punch non-boxers, though, isn't it? Their hands are classed as deadly weapons.

It's the same as shooting someone, legally. Cool. Thanks. We're back to Adam Rowe QC. Absolute fact, this is law. QC! It's not even state law. It's international law.

International law. Interpol will arrest you if you're a boxer in a professional boxing fight and the referee, who looks smelly, all of a sudden rips his shirt off and goes, stop drilling for oil, lads,

and punches you in the face. You've got to be like, I can't do anything because these are registered weapons. Has anyone got any fists that aren't registered weapons? I mean, I want to kick him, but it might be a grey area legally.

What are the easiest sports to shut down? Shit on the snooker table. There's one. Killing. Just kick the jack. Is that a jack and killing? Killing? What, in Scotland?

Joe, when you get a slip and slide. What's the one where they Just go to the end and do that right to the end. Yeah curling that's curling Just unscrew the brushes. Hair's come and lets it go and then What the fuck someone's fucking manipulated the brushes No give them like a flash Someone's manipulated the brushes Oh my god that's what they'd say No, give them like a flash. Someone's manipulating the pressure. That's what they'd say. This is like the great unscrewing of 62.

Thank fuck no one watches or gives a shite about the sport. Oh, the millions of people at home. Cricket would be easy, wouldn't it? Just whisper in his ear before he goes. What? The climax is like, fuck, do you know we're all going to die? Go on, throw that ball. be easy wouldn't he whispering in his ear like before he goes what what hey the climbers are just like fuck do you know

we're all gonna die go on throw that ball have a good one so you think his head's battered then so the bowler the bowler

and where is he to whisper is it a megaphone no he's no it's good sometimes sometimes bowlers are at the

like at the boundary so you just have to sort of lean over and go hey the environment everyone's going to die, your children's children are going to suffer so essentially you're trying to depress the cricketer

to the point where he goes right up to bowl it's Stuart Broad and he's like what's the point yeah winning is futile if there's no will to celebrate it. Is that? This shot can't even play now. Or he could run and just volley the wicket.

Guys, why have we cancelled the cricket match? Because one of the 22 players feels sad. So that's the end of the ashes. All gone. You can go back to Australia. What the fuck's going on, Stu? Bowl the fucking ball. I feel melancholy.

Bowling is futile. What's the calmest sport? Calmest? Like snooker. Snooker is very chilled out, isn't it? Yeah, you've got to shut up. Yeah. You've got to shut up.

I mean, darts, the actual sport of darts is really calm and controlled, isn't it? Dressage, just stab at us. Yeah You've got to shut up I mean darts The actual sport of darts Is really Calm and controlled Isn't it Dressage Just stab a horse Crofts Ruin crofts

Volley all the dogs Go do that Take a whistle Oh my god Imagine that Just take treats Just stand in the crowd With treats

Is it called crofts Crofts yeah What do you think it was What do you think it is Woofs Cool I thought it was cro What do you think it was? Woofs. Cool. I thought it was crufts.

It was a T, dude. Dude, I wanted to take the piss, but you were absolutely right. I knew it was crufts because it's like crust split up with an F. I always think of bread. It's like Mike Tyson. Stuffed crufts. Yeah, that's a lovely dog. Can I get any cheese in it, though?

Crufts is now sponsored by Pizza Hut. Stuffed Crufts. Is Crufts a sport? Oh, it's a big event, though, isn't it? It's a big event. It's a world cup of dogs, isn't it? How do you fuck up Crufts? I've got one. How do you cook?

Oh, just put Viagra in some of the fucking pedigree chum. Just before the big final day of Crufts, and all the dogs are just fucking raping each other. That was a bit harsh. That was a bit harsh. But it was dog rape and that is funny. What's the Royal Flower Show one? With the old Mick Midgard.

The Chelsea Flower Show. Imagine doing that. Just get a lawnmower. They like plants, don't they? They love plants. I think it's counterintuitive. Although they probably don't like the way those flowers are grown. It's probably...

I'm just... I'm projecting... Pest as pesticides. Earth earth wind whatever he's called formula one just take a scooter i thought horny dogs got in the way didn't get the uh didn't get the i thought that would have i thought really i think your head was already at the chelsea flower show it was you were like yeah never mind about dog rape there There's no hot comedy there. Lawnmower flower show. Deconstructing it comes. Take a unicycle at the Formula One. It's getting away.

That's been done. Getting away. I mean, unicycles taking it to the next level, but people have run on the track. Have they? Yeah. Emily Pankhurst? There was a guy dressed as like

Emily Pankhurst. Yeah, she did the Formula 1. Well, it was the Formula 1 of the day, wasn't it? Have you had to

get into Spanish? She had a return ticket in her pocket, you know, train ticket. What did she want to do? Be like, fuck a nice horse,

lad. Who the fuck is Emily Pankhurst? She's the women's right suffragette she jumped in front of the king's horse killed herself at a race for suffragettes

it happened a few times yeah because horse racing was so big she just stepped out in front of the horses but she had a return ticket in her pocket right

just saying I think she was Mancunian yeah she was going back to Salford Quays fucking hell that's a fucking nice horse does she definitely mean it that's the conspiracy was she, she was going back to Salford Quay. Fucking hell, that's a fucking nice arse. Did she definitely mean it? That's the conspiracy?

Was she thrown? She was a suffragette, and they were pretty militant, weren't they? Well, they were just giving the vote, weren't they? They did in the end. You're right, they did. Women are allowed to vote. And that is, guys, a good thing, isn't it?

I'm pro that. Pro that. Me too. I can only agree on your side ruin the Grand National would be good though what would you do

if you had a cause you properly believed in what would be your big stunt doesn't have to ruin a sporting event unless you wanted to but what would you do I'm trying to write a bit

about this at the moment the only thing I properly give a shit about is the regulation of the internet and I there's been so many things that I've disagreed

with Brexit I thought that was an absolute crock of shite I was the regulation of the internet. And there's been so many things that I've disagreed with Brexit. I thought that was an absolute crock of shite. I was adamant that we should remain, and here we are. Harvey's Law, you mean? I was... I obviously stand with the people of Ukraine. What do you mean? Harvey's Law, isn't it?

The regulation of the internet. I just don't want anyone to tell us that we can't say dog rape on YouTube. And I'm really... I just don't want anyone to tell us Oh sorry We can't say dog rape on YouTube And I'm really I'm worried that Because this is starting to make so much money now That big TV companies and governments

Will start going We need to get our greasy fucking mitts On this I'm very worried how you're going to protest that Also porn In a very separate point to the thing Carl is saying. Porn. I don't want a Tory government telling me

what I can pull my little white pud to. Because I don't need the hypocrisy of some Tory sex pest being like, blah, blah, blah, it's immoral. Another thing I don't get with... Then I'd march. I'd be down on Parliament Square with a dog. Dick out. What I don't get with the porn regulation is they can't stop you doing whatever you want do you know i mean the porn regulation yeah you might not be able to watch a 300 pound jamaican

woman face sitting on a midget anymore but you can pay both of them to get involved with that right cool that's a bit more expensive also Also, I like to masturbate just before bed. You know? Imagine that, Lord, he goes to bed. Who's come up the stairs there? Ignore that. I can hear...

Too loud. Very different noises. Yeah, yeah. I can hear heavy footsteps and light footsteps. Here's Joy and little Freddy. Hello. Yeah, I just feel like that's's so i love how the internet works now

and i don't want anyone to tell me i can't watch like the dirty porn they can tell you not to watch it but you can find it you're forgetting about real life and the dark web but can i just discount real life? I don't want to see in real life, Big Joy, the 300 pound Jamaican woman, sit on a midget's face. I just don't even want to. How do I even like? No, properly sit down. How does that even work?

And then you come and you're like, guys, I'm going to have to get you a taxi. Have you got an Uber? Do you get Uber in Sargall? Will you share a taxi? I'm not sharing with this dirty... You need to wash his face, the dirty little midget. Imagine the post-mock clarity after that.

Imagine... Buffing the Uber. Wash his face. Come here. Who's she sending the invoice to? Send the invoice to haveawordpod at gmail.com. No, that's not your personal Gmail. Me not do bank transfer.

Well, what sort of porn is banned that you're into? Nothing's been banned yet. It's going there. No, I'm not saying it's going there, but there's been some noises about this. i what shit before we do the porn what shit about all tv tv comedy can't say that can't say this oh god can't say that you can't say this can't say that it's fucking heavily regulated not just by the the the license fee paying bullshit but advertisers and then also people go hi listen to something and i found it

offensive and i'm a fucking child that's what makes us so good yeah but that's what i don't want the government did you hear what happened after the jimmy car thing the tories jumped on it because they were having a fucking nightmare with all the christmas party stuff so they wanted to deflect attention and they were like oh we might have to look at some of these streaming services and the content that's being put on there because this needs regulating. Fuck off, you horrible cunts. We just make our own streaming service.

You're literally starving impoverished children and you're trying to tell us what we're allowed to laugh at. Oh, there's so many reasons I hate these fucking Tories. But if they started messing with that and then on a whole separate thing let me just wank to what i want in it yeah

if you're having a little dirty yeah but if they ban it from this you're forgetting you've got the ultimate streaming service the mind yeah you're right stream whatever you want whenever you want up there i'm gonna watch friends city 7 episode 3 Right now You know Full well You have ADHD You can't make it Through an imagination wank Without wandering off I've got to be honest When I have an imagination wank

It does get a little bit Like the storyline Doesn't get completely Tied up towards the end A lot of puzzles Yeah Yeah you're watching Joy sit on the midget's face

And all of a sudden Steven Gerrard's Fucking banging one in for the 35 yards. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who comes in? All the women. All the women? Well, at least it's on like, you know.

Yeah, it's on the same thing. My ADHD is, you know, it's regulated, ironically. Is it? Yeah. When you've got an erection, you can focus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Very single track mind.

What are these other women doing? Cock. What? What are these other women doing? Depends what. They form a queue. Isn't this just part of the fan club? Ah, I don't know.

Probably far. Just loads of women. Loads of strippers just going, you're doing great. Good wanking. Yeah. I think Harvey's Law is a good one. I know it's a bit...

Do you know what it is uh having to upload your id when you sign up for social media so you can't hide i agree with this i'm sick of being called a fat unfunny scouse cunt by a fucking tonka truck a tonka trunk just because that's what's in the profile it's always N'Golo Kante or a fucking car or a cartoon no that's N'Golo Kante he really hates you he seems

he seems dead nice on every other bit of social media he's like he drives to work in a fucking Prius but he hates

Adam Rose comedy so try hard fuck off he's brilliant in front of the back four but fucking hates have a word I hate that

oh he drives a Mini my arse he gets loads of money still he, but fucking hates to have a word. I hate that. Oh, he drives a Mini. I'm going to ask. He gets loads of money still. He's not using it at that point. More random football, but N'Golo Kante, what's he earning? 140 grand a week?

At least. Because, I mean... He's one of the best in the world. Yeah, but has he got an agent? Has he got an agent? Or does he turn up going, oh my goodness, I've got a pencil. Thank you. I'll take this.

That does my head in. He's still got the money, hasn't he? Has he? So he's just not spending it. You've no idea what he earns. You're just making it up. He earns millions of pounds. He's on two grand a week because he's too nice to us. I reckon he's on 150. Oh, can't he?

Oh, it's Adam. Nearly 300k. Yeah. Oh shit, that says he hates Adam Rose comedy. Oh, fuck. That's Lukaku. No, no, no. I know D know dwarfing is quite small as well. 290k a week. That is Lukaku. Yeah, the news story was that Lukaku's waged dwarfs and Golokantes.

Dwarfs? So it's said. So he's earning a mil, probably around a mil with sponsorships a month. Oh, I drive a Mini. Fuck off then? Give the money back? It's done me head then. Sorry.

But Harvey's lost. Someone's doing all right. Fucking spend it. Get a poor person, ride him to work. Fucking joke. It's what I do. Finn! I need to go to the toilet.

On all fours. Who doesn't want to ride a Welshman all the way to the lavatories? Carl. Fuck on go low, can't he? Back to me question. What's your stunt going to be for your cause? What are you doing?

How are you getting your message out? Sticking my dick in a doggone parliament square. If that doesn't get us some attention. You've probably gone to jail, haven't you? You can't shag dogs and avoid a prison sentence that that is a bit of your legal advice that i think might stand there rather i will give you the gavel qc adam yeah yeah qc adam pulls one out of actual fact no you can't

a dog and get away with it i mean there'll be witnesses palimps square even the traffic I mean, there'll be fucking witnesses, Parliament Square, even the traffic. Loads of traffic, and then Ongolo Canty going, I fucking hate those guys. Yeah, I'm pretty adamant that I'll Parliament Square. Hang on, why are you shagging a dog? What's that go back to? I don't know.

You've got to make a gesture. Parliament Square is where they all go, isn't it? In front of the Palace of Westminster. They're expecting that. They're expecting that. Do it in your back garden. So go to Lincoln Town Centre. No, do it in front of the Palace of Westminster they're expecting that they're expecting that do it in your back garden so go to Lincoln Town Centre

no do it in your back garden and rape a dog on Market Square I would parachute into the Champions League final holding a sign it's not been done

Adam I didn't get a ticket if Liverpool are playing is it yeah not so long ago if Liverpool are playing you're

if Liverpool are playing I'll be watching the match the ago If Liverpool are playing You're If Liverpool are playing I'll be watching the match Oh right yeah yeah The cause can wait You know what I mean Fucking love the quarters Do it to Europa League fan instead Oh yeah yeah

Villarreal Seville Villarreal are in the Quarters and Finals Of the Champions League Oh they're having A good few seasons And Sevilla went out

Last night to West Ham So that won't work actually Neither of them are able To be in the Europa League final Oh god Thanks for correcting me So you're shagging a dog in Parliament Square To protest porn laws

I can want whatever I want Including this memory I get joy to sit on my face Middle of Parliament Square With a load of midget No little people Little protesters How many? 12.

Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan. Yeah. That'll work. I think I'd regret it once I came. Eurovision. I enter Eurovision. You enter. Enter Eurovision.

Right. Represent Great Britain at Eurovision. Piece of piss. And then instead of singing, I just use the platform to make me a statement. Right. You probably end up with more points than if you... That's the kind of banter you expect here. Imagine if the whole of Europe got behind your message.

What's your message? If you've got a message or if you've decided how you're protesting, what are you actually protesting? Angolo can't eat on the trucks. I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. I'll get there. Yeah.

What pisses you off the most? What tickles your fires? There's not much. Surely online presences and some sort, because you're online a lot. He's got that. He doesn't need the internet. He's got it all in there.

Sometimes Adam just sits there going, oh God, he's going on. Un's got that. He's got his mind. He doesn't need the internet. He's got it all in there. Sometimes Adam just sits there going, you're like, oh God, he's going on. Unlisted garnishes in restaurants. Captain, my captain.

I tell you what, that, that, honestly, is something I could get behind. Hang on. So he floats into the Champions League final with no coriander on his side. No, no, no.

Eurovision. What's the song? I'm not singing. So you don't like the random oils on a salad or something? Yeah. Listen to him. Yeah. If I get a chicken madras and it says contains onions, garlic, tomatoes and chicken

and then I get it and there's fucking a load of coriander sprinkled on it because I'm like oh it looks nice doesn't it? Yeah it does but it tastes like fucking soap. Are you one of them people who taste soap yeah? Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah it's ridiculous. If you've got the bollocks

to garnish your food, write it on the fucking menu so I can tell the waitress to fuck off with it. Yeah. Do you taste salt? None of them leaves. None of them leaves on my meat, Gil. Do you taste the coriander or do you taste salt? I don't mind coriander, so.

You taste the coriander then? Yeah, I don't mind it. It was like one in six people or something. I just want to, I thought you meant science. What do I mean? Dressing. Dressing.

Same thing, really. No, because that's on the side. You can just push. No, no, no. He's talking about what he's sprinkled on. But I like a salad. I like a salad. Stop fucking abusing it with oils that I've not, like...

Right. I had an argument with a waitress once because I ordered on the menu. I read the menu very carefully and I ordered the chicken burger. It's a chicken burger with cheese and bacon and barbecue sauce. And I was like, I'll have that. I come.

It had all of that on. Plus, lettuce, onion. And I mean, like, uncooked onion. Ugh. Tomato and coleslaw on top of everything else it was listed. So I was like, excuse me, love. I need this changed. If you don't mind, I didn't want any tomato, onion, lettuce, or coleslaw.

And she was like, well, you didn't ask for that. And that and i was like well it's not listed on the menu that those things are on it what have you alleged to coleslaw she was like oh it's just taken as a standard that the burgers come with your standard and i was like up your fucking ass most menus say all burgers come with fries and tomato lettuce and whatever it didn't say that it literally just i was like look i've got the menu she's like i'm sorry we can that. It literally just, I was like, look, I've got the menu. She was like, I'm sorry, we can't just swap food. I was like,

I'm not going to pay for it. When you're flying in, Paris, parachute, flapping in the wind. Paris, shoot. Yeah. Then you'll fucking show her.

She'll be like, oh my God, he was right. Dressed as an onion. He signs, just going to say, shove your coriander up your ass. It's a good song should we do some

questions what happened with that I'll take some money I think people wanna know wrap it up play for a

musical should we do some quick questions speed round let's make some noise ladies and gents welcome to with the call. Shall we do some quick questions? Speed round. Yay! Let's make some noise. Ladies and gents, welcome to the speed round.

Okay. Oh, jeez. Right. Lauren Ridley says, hi, question for Carl. As tour manager, stroke personal assistant, does it ever get monotonous

listening to Adam's show every day of the tour? Four. saw him in saw him in South Shields was fucking mint so I spoke to I spoke to a fan

about this in Edinburgh because he was watching me watch the show and not laugh I laugh at probably three points

because I always find them funny but why weren't you laughing i said i've seen this show a lot of times and i'm watching it differently to everyone else so i'm watching the show i'm like oh you missed that tag or you changed that and i'm offering advice and i'm often i'm in the audience going this is what i saw and then you're part of the industry now yeah watch the bar staff at comedy clubs they're not laughing at every performer are they they They will do. New bits or something they're not seeing.

I'm not watching it to enjoy it. I'm watching it to analyse it. He's Graeme Souness. He's got to be doing better here. This is not good enough. Right, because I've seen it. Does Graeme Souness work at the Holiday Inn? That'd be awful if Graeme Souness

offered you a fucking threesome at 5am you'd do it oh you'd that's the story thing he said about me and Carl would double team Graeme Soonis until he came

I don't know who you are no context we do we found out shut up yeah who who

were you bevvied yeah yeah Blair knows him apparently he runs all the no contacts in the country. Fuck.

Yeah. Mad. I know his name, won't I? Listen, I know this story thing in five years. I love it. I'm into it. I want to do this podcast for five years. By which you mean, just for context,

I make all my decisions now based on what will make the best memory in five years. Yeah, but when Graeme Souness is unzipping his fly and getting his knob out, I think you've got to think is this story worth it you know because

you're not gay and he's a 58 year old former midfielder I'm not going to suck his cock I'm just going to bum him and

pretend it's a woman you can't I can't believe I'm saying this to you but I need to see it I don't think you'd be able to fuck Graeme Souness's

bum and think it's just a lady it's just a Falkirk lady it's just a lady. It's just a Falkirk lady. It's just like fucking Sterling. You couldn't shag Graeme Sooners up the arse? Nah. Okay, we'll see.

One day. No, we won't. He's doing Sack of Saturday next week. He's found his fucking... This is what he's going to do. Just because he's so pissed off about coriander, he's going down Parliament Square and he's going to bum Graham Sooners

okay I watch it and analyse I don't watch to enjoy so you'll always see me watching it because I feel like I need to to help

because there's some bits he misses some bits he changes round some bits work some bits work in better places and I can see that

obviously from a different point of view that Adam can it's not it's not eggy I'm not laughing. I'm enjoying it. Watch the comics.

Watch other comics at comedy. There's like, you've either seen someone's stuff before or you're analysing. That's why, like I watched Andy Askins at the end of February in Birmingham and I was laughing.

Like really laughing. I think Andy Askins is amazing. He's coming to play the new club I've got in Chester in the spring. He's coming. He's one of my favourite headliners. Really softly spoken. And you just, you have to listen.

The quality of the lines are amazing. And I laughed at him like a punter. And it makes me, it made me tweet about it and go, I'm genuinely laughing like a punter. It doesn't happen loads, does it? No. I nod. If Adam says something good,

then I've read it. Yeah. I nod. If Adam says something good, then I have another go. Yeah. That was good. That's why someone messaged in and asked about Shane Gillis coming over and was like, are you going to get him on the couch? I've accidentally deleted the question,

so apologies. But that's why I'd be excited to go and watch someone like shane gillis because after you recommended his special live in austin i've watched that four or five times that is as good as any stand-up i've seen for ages yeah that's that's another way of even if you're a tour manager or a comic watching guys that are brilliant and you're seeing stuff for the first time is fucking great fun yeah was that Was that what it, did you, when you were watching Chappelle,

did you properly like laugh, like? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, because he's a killer, isn't he? It was, he just,

you can watch, he's got a way of surprising you. Yeah. That's what, that's when a comic laughs. That's why we laugh less, I should say, is,

the laugh that you, get from an audience, often comes from, a surprise punchline. That's a big part of laughter within comedy, is surprising the audience. If they beat you to the punchline, they don't laugh. They go, oh, we knew where you were going. If you can surprise...

That's when you get the... Yeah. So it's very hard for a comic on a similar level to you to surprise you, because you can see where they're going a lot better than an audience can someone like chapelle is working on a different level to almost everyone else on the planet and especially me and carl and he just had a way for over for what an hour of just like there's a couple where i was like i see where that was going there's a couple that

just hit you like a fucking steam train like surprise punch lines that's that's the difference it's surprise that's why we're not that's why carl's not laughing at my show he's not surprised by it because first of all he knows it all and second of all he might not have even laughed the first time because he knows how we work and he's in comedy so much. Chappelle's just levels above us. Who are the guys in the UK that make me feel like that? We've had most... Most of the guys who've come on and been killers here are the same comics that... You watch Finn Taylor and you're like, what?

Oh, he's so good at flipping it. He's so good at taking you there and you're over there. Alfie. Alfie's got that thing where you're like, what the fuck? Like it's... Yeah. Yeah.

I love it. Elite. Russ Bolton says, how do you're like what the fuck like it's yeah yeah I love it elite Russ Bolton says how do lids what's up me and the missus have got tickets to see Adam in Brighton our local compare

stroke promoter is called James Alderson he hosts a gig at Horndean Technical College Comedy All Stars is what it's called somehow he tempts

live at the Apollo Axe to venture out of London to a school hall I think in Hampshire. He's around Portsmouth, isn't he? Are there any weird gigs that shouldn't work because of location, et cetera, but the regular crowd make it easy?

Rush, that's from Russ from Chichester. I know James Alderson. I've worked with him a couple of times. He's a really good comic. Good comic. I've worked with him at sort of the weekend gigs's a really good comic. It's a good comic. I've worked with him at sort of the weekend gigs that aren't the most fun, and he's solid. But he's growing these gigs around Hampshire, Portsmouth, and whatnot.

And everyone I speak to says they're fucking great. But I know exactly, I picked this question out because those gigs where you're like, what the fuck is this? And then it just sort of works. I did a PTA fundraiser in Surbiton, Surrey, on a Thursday about five,

six years ago. It was one of the best gigs ever. I've never, like, you know when you walk in, everything was wrong. It was just like, there was BMW SUVs parked at every,

it was so like clearly Surrey middle class. I was like, oh, this is going to be a fucking nightmare. Got to it. And I knew it was a fundraiser for a school, but it was at a school. It was in their school hall. And all the PTA had done like their own bar. And I was like, oh, this is fucking awful.

And I'd done it because I was down at the headliners in Chiswick and I'd gone down a day early it was 200 quid and everything about it seemed minging and the compare went on and I was like oh this doesn't sound like it's going to go on I did I was meant to do 25 minutes I did over 30 it was like it was a tour show they got everything it was it was such a tour show. They got everything. It was such a surprise. There are those weird gigs that just surprise you. Hot Water, before they got their own venue, when it was in the Holiday Inn,

was so much better than any hotel function room gig I've ever done. It was a weekend club, and they ran it in one of three function rooms at the Holiday Inn, depending on how many tickets they'd sold. There was one room that was a cupboard. It was smaller than the room we're in now.

It held 30 people. There was one that held about 100 and there was one that held about 200. Consistently was just a really good gig. Always fun, up for the crowds. It looked a bit shit, didn't it? It looked awful. It was weird. Why was it always it so green a cardboard brick wall that they stuck into slots on a old wooden stage and was just in

in a business suite in the holiday inn people walking down the corridors of the holiday inn like like they're going to a hotel room it was fucking horrific and it worked using a hotel bar yeah using a hotel bar like you're at a bad wedding yeah you know that no idea why that worked but it did

I did one in Stourbridge I can't remember if I told you about this I did a tea time show in Birmingham and then went to open the Birmingham Glee Wayne Bees asked me

to do this gig in Stourbridge which is part of the black country that I've done a gig at in the past, like 10, 12 years ago. I got the train, walked it,

all the way, I was like, where the fuck is this gig? It wasn't even in Stourbridge town centre, which is small anyway. It's on the outskirts of a pub that randomly looked like it'd been closed down by a fire in 1978. But they've refurbed around the back.

Again, you know when you're walking in going, oh, it's going to be awful, it's going to be awful, It's going to be awful. It's going to be awful. And Wayne Beesley's there. That sound like beer garden looks all right. Open the door. Mark Nelson's turned up.

We go in like they've built your dream fucking gig at the back of his pub that looked closed. That's in Stourbridge. I love that. When you are expecting a shit gig and then you getourbridge. I love that. When you are expecting a shit gig and then you get this magical little... I love it.

Alright. Just help me chew off. What's happened with your ankle, Ken? So when Liverpool... I watched the Champions League draw earlier and Liverpool drew Benfica

and I jumped up in the air with joy and landed on my ankle and rolled it. That's when you know you're into football. That's true as well. When you're injuring yourself celebrating the Champions League quarterfinal.

Draw. Draw. Yeah. I think I've badly sprained it. Benfica are decent, but not a massive threat. They're the best. Probably the second best draw you could have got. They might even be the best.

Or might be the best. Me and Danny McWincy see Benfica play Man United in the Champions League about eight, nine years ago. Do you remember Guy Tan? Of course,fica play Man United in the Champions League about 8-9 years ago do you remember Guy Tan of course yeah tell you what Benfica fans they look like they're having a fucking great time

yeah of course they're an elite European club they're drenched in European history Eusebio yeah they've won

the European Cup there's not that many clubs that have and they're up there. They are... Like, it's not a gimme. It's just, you know, when you look at the rest of the draw that was in,

between them and Villarreal, that's who you wanted. And we've got them. I wonder how it'd be to be in there. I wonder what the Benfica fans would be if you just... If you got a ticket and you were just like,

I don't really speak Portuguese but this looks more for don't support Man United but I just want to get involved do you think they'd be like hey it's a bellend I think if you got involved

and were like yeah let's do it and you went yeah Freddie Quinn like no stupid I don't like Benfica

because you'd be like oh we've got the dickhead it's like if we were in Aldi a Spanish face can I get involved you'd be like, oh, we've got the dickhead. It's like if we were in an all-day, like a Spanish first, like, can I get involved? You'd be like, yeah, come on. You know what I mean? You think so.

In fact, most clubs are just well-suited. Some teams that wouldn't, like I wouldn't do it, like Galatasaray. Yeah, serendipity. No, I don't, yeah. Or like Napoli. I wouldn't do it,

like one of them. I don't know, in Naples. I wouldn't touch it. I wouldn't go near Italy fans. You think it's a bit moody. Italy fans are moody, aren't they? Italian fans are moody.

Yeah. I wonder if you actually went to Porto. Is Benfica Porto? It is, isn't it? In the city of Porto? Is it? I don't know. It's in Portugal.

Yeah, I don't know. Is Benfica a town or just the name of the football club? Porto is in Portugal. Yeah. Or is it Lisbon? Lisbon, yeah. Lisbon. So they're the other team

in the sport in Lisbon. Yeah. Yeah. I think if you go to one of them grounds, I feel like if you go to one of the Italian ones, they're used to tourists.

I bet Barcelona are like, oh, fork off. I'm going to try and go to the Benfica game away because I've got a week off you'll see me in the home

fan Benfica we've got such a good history Benfica we've won the Champions League

and not everyone's done that Benfica we're not in Porto we're actually in Lisbon Benfica. We're not in Porto. We're actually in Lisbon. Benfica. Eusebio used to play for us.

That's one of their big songs. It's good. Biggest song. Do you remember that one? You wouldn't go to an Italian home game on your own and go and sit with the fans. You wouldn't do that. You're not asking to sit with the ultras,

but I'm sure there's tickets available with the family section. Yeah, I would. Would you not go to a road game? Maybe behind the wheelchairs. That's what I'm saying. You'd get a tourist ticket, wouldn't you? You wouldn't go in the fucking... The Curve Sud.

Yeah, you wouldn't go there. You just wouldn't. I would. No, in what? In Rome? In Lazio, the famous fascists that hate everyone. Yeah. They're so mental, they've stopped games.

Hey, Francesco Chotty lad stop the game stop the game yeah we're pissed off what was this yeah because they're all fucking oh right

I thought you were taking a piss yeah did you see the Mexico one what happened did you see the Mexico game last week no it was bad

people were getting killed it was literally like a lot of people died at a game in Mexico like rival fans just literally killing each other. Just standing on each other's head

and stabbing each other. Okay. Like Mexico might be getting kicked out of the World Cup because of it. Oh, Jesus. What were they annoyed about? The Arteta money?

Oh, I think VAR. Yeah. Alright. No, I think VAR. Where's the VAR fee? Oh, that went long, didn't it? Have a break. Yeah. Wow, that think VAR. Where's the VAR fee? Oh, that went long, didn't it? Have a break. Yeah.

Wow, that was 40 minutes. Menthol. I like that song. I'm going to sing that at Benfica. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time to let you know about our lead sponsor, Manscaped.com, the best in below-the-belt men's grooming.

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Anti-chafe, like, what are these? Like boxes by Manscaped. The boxes are amazing. I actually personally love the ball deodorant and the toner as well. And they've smelled better ever since you started using it. My balls smell fucking lovely, mate. Well, no, the guests comment.

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Make your woman think you're great. Come in your pubes, eh? Problem. Sometimes. Have a wash first. There's only so much shampoo can do. Yeah. Get the Lawn Mower 4.0.

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I'm a Rotterdam vampire. I'm a Rotterdam vampire. Trying to see how well the voice is. I'm a Rotterdam vampire trying too hard with the voices okie doke it's time to have a word with Adam and Dan tell us all the problems you have with your friends this was supposed to be the whole podcast

shut up Finn now it's just the final 10% we haven't sang that for ages. We haven't. I wrote that. I've wrote so many songs. Yeah. You've written two songs.

No. Three. Agony Adam. Confessions. Confessions. That's true. That one. You wrote Confessions Part 2 for Usher.

You just sort of like blurted some stuff out and then everyone else did that I've actually got a writing credit On the one that's Moving to New York Moving to New York Moving to But you actually wanted it to be called

Moving to Mozambique Mozambique Cause I'm moving to Mozambique Cause I'm having troubles with my sleep But sleep rhymes with Mozambique They were fucking idiots They wouldn't listen to me

Too many syllables, kid Too many syllables I'm moving to Skegness Cause I've got troubles with my sleep. But sleep rhymes with Mozambique. They were fucking idiots. They wouldn't listen to me. Too many syllables, kid. Too many syllables. I'm moving to Skagness because I've got problems with the beak. Beak. Oh, beak in Skagness. I swear, I'm moving to Mozambique because I've got problems with the beak.

You wouldn't do that. Don't think so. Sorry. I think I might actually become a songwriter at some point. I might venture into that just to stretch my legs into another part of the creative world

7am wake up read a novel write a song put it on the made up bullshit list in your mind do it love it

it's not beyond the realms of possibility though that Hathaway Records is a thing long term Finn's the CEO exec do you know what I mean like it is possible

at some point we branch out and we start recording music is it I said this before why not Finn can be the Finn's there

the music fella yeah and I could write I could write the theme tune too sing the theme tune to the what to the record company

yeah because that if you're in the music industry ha ha ha Havowood Records when will they play that when will they play it we just play it whenever you know like when you walk Because that if you're in the music industry Oh, we're records When will they play that when will they play it we just play it whatever you know Like when you walk into a shop and it goes sing when you walk into the records wouldn't it be?

When you walk into the records Good start Record that And then if things take off You know maybe I don't know I could write for Adele Or something

Yeah Actually yeah Yeah Good luck with that What song would you write for Adele The Oasis Reunion I could do theirs The Oasis Reunion

They will do it eventually I mean Don't they do it every six months No Oh no they're proper Falling out now For a while. Who's the biggest...

Do you like Oasis? Do you like Oasis, Finn? I could write for Lil Wayne. Shut up, Finn. Adele, Oasis, and Lil Wayne. One track. One track! They can all do a remix.

Yeah? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Come on, hang on. Let's Yeah. Yeah. Come on. Hang on.

Let's do it again. So Harry, a guy that does the, not Harry Robinson, our talented mate Harry does the music. Give him a clean Ha, ha, have a word

music. What? Ha, ha, have a word records. Cool. Receptionists are going to kill themselves in two weeks. Right. We have to be on fucking Indeed again

because another receptionist killed them because every time someone's like, can I use the toilet? Hey, hey, hey, the thing is. I don't think that's as annoying as ding. No? Okay, fucking. Imagine this, look.

Every time someone comes in. What kind of weird record shop has this thing? It's got a bell over the door. It's not a record shop. Is it not? It's a record studio. It's a record label.

I'm stupid. Calling it Death Row Records. That's a record company. But with an E, so we don't get sued by Shug Knight oh Snoop Dogg owns it now oh he bought it off Shug

yeah yeah he's been in prison for decades ah yeah yeah yeah it's because of all the because of that speech at that the Source Awards Daniel

shot Mikel Arteta whacked that's what started it all off started what off? then Bill Kenwright got shot have you not got any dreams for this company? Shot Mikel Arteta. Whacked. That's what started it all off. Started what off? Then Bill Kenwright got shot. Have you not got any dreams for this company? You have to add to that, don't you?

Otherwise it's one of the gayest questions we've ever asked on Everwood. Have you not got any dreams, Dan? Have you? I want to work in Spain. I just need someone to give me the motivation to just get over there and what I'd like is a pissed up Scouser to threaten me. Listen Dan

go to fucking Spain and I'll break your fucking kneecaps with gravity. Hey Dan take this to the car lad. It's slippy. Fucker.

5-0. Got nothing on me mate. Excuse me why has this lad got a fucking kneecap out of place? I don't know. It was raining. fucker 5-0 got nothing on me mate excuse me why has this lad got a fucking kneecap out of place I don't know it was an 8 then

let's say we get like 5 years in and we've got 50,000 patrons everything's fine you can tour whenever you want you can announce phase 1 new material gigs they sell out

everything's just got a bit easy right go on yeah what's the next branch of the company for you I want to do everything.

I want the TV studio. I want a recording studio for Finn. It's open. I'd like a gift shop. A gift shop would kill it. I want to make candles. I want to make them. I want to sell them.

With me raping a dog. Yeah. That's got to sell. The dog rape candle. Burn that up both ends. Right in the middle. Yeah. Your cock and the dog's tail burn right at the a dog. Oh, yeah. That's got to sell. Yeah. The dog rape scandal. Being that on both ends. Right in the middle. Yeah. Your cock and the dog's tail

being right at the same time. Oh. Too far, Carl. Where's the wick? Hang out with his ass. Goes up and down. I think we should... Music.

I don't know. TV studio. Theatre. Hathaway Airlines. Don't look at me. I'm not okay. Music, our own TV studio, theatre, Hathaway Airlines. Don't look at me. I'm not okay. Don't look at me.

Just say the word, Dan. Do you want to get a plane? As long as you keep the fucking receipt for the plane. Have we got a single receipt? Steve, can you go through the receipts? Can you imagine the account and like the VAT like trying to do the VAT and we're short one 2.8 million pound Boeing 737 receipt

where did you put that oh shit it's in me old jeans what a nightmare I'm going to have to pay the VAT on that I've got to claim that back yeah lads I'm all in

I love you having these ideas it's great and i put them in a special file but that i call that i call the search bar and then look i've written it all down and that's all your ideas that's how i've written it out in bouncer and then i close the window we all just move on with our lives. Ask a question. Question, Carl. I think the music should be a bit of a giveaway. These aren't questions. Fucking lid.

Oh, by the way, if... Why do we ever have guests on? I don't know. If you tweet or email us asking what a lid is and what wag wag is, we all think you're a bad twat. And if one more person emails, bit of a controversial one, but you're two inches in your mom, man.

Your dad's dick is two inches in your hand. What are you gonna do? No, the next person who says, can we get the audio as an earlier release? Can we just answer that once and for all? The two inches in your mum and your dad's two inches in you. You obviously shag your mum. It'd rather be like someone who shags their parents and is still straight than get bummed by your dad.

She's dead, thank God. Have a word. Pussy's better than cock. Whoa, I disagree with that. How dare you? I find that really offensive. Why? That's just for you, perhaps, sir. For you. I was venting

an opinion. Yeah. He doesn't have to start everything with, in my opinion. It's obvious it's his opinion, because he's offering it from his own face. You pedantic. Little. Have a word time. Ask one.

Can you have a word with Carver being a homophobe? I think I already have. Liam Paul says, have a word with my missus. She mixes serious stuff, guys. People dying in the Ukraine, but we've got our finger on theus. She mixes this serious stuff, guys. Okay, okay. People dying in the Ukraine, but we've got our finger on the pulse. She mixes ketchup and mayonnaise.

Beggar sauce. To make pink sauce. Yeah. Absolute rank. Cheers, lids. Her name's Abby. Beggar sauce. And she watches,

so please name and shame. Absolutely not. What's his name? Liam Paul. Liam, you're the gimp. Yeah. You're pathetic. Oh, this has backfired on you Liam

Each to their own It's burger sauce It's burger sauce Unless It's not described In On the menu That they're mixing

Then it's bad This is just called Burger sauce Like if you ever go to a restaurant And it says All burgers contain Tomato, lettuce and burger sauce That's what burger sauce is

There's a little bit of vinegar It's mayo and tomato sauce Yeah Yeah I don't mind that It's lovely He's a little bit of vinegar. It's mayo and tomato sauce. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind that. It's lovely. He's a gimp.

Sean Paul. It's just tomato and mayo. No, it's Liam. Middle name Sean. Liam Sean Ball. Yeah. I prefer them separate though, weirdly. Me too. Is that me just being a bit pedantic?

No. But together, it's just burger sauce. I don't want any more guests on. I want Shane Gillis on on and then no one else shane can you come and do the part yeah you can't do it right well no more guests let us know when you can do it one guest a year shane gillis please do it try again next year without without asking him to do trump um all right cool what's your favorite i prefer them separate as well by the way i do yeah but she doesn't i don't know why this is one of those things right he needs to fuck off and whatever

your whatever your preferences are whatever your preferences are why is he who's he to judge why is he forcing it on her yeah don't eat it then yeah liam you little shit just let her eat whatever she wants to eat you eat whatever you want to eat and just don't bother. Why are you bothered by this stuff? There's bigger things going on in the world. I'm sure you've got some serious problems. Drink some Ukraine sauce. When was the last time you had a clear admin? When was the last time you had nothing to do?

Get some fucking stuff done and stop worrying. I'm at the colour of the sauce on your Mrs. Asperger. He's a £10 patron now. No, keep it. Don't kick, we want it then. I'm on your side.

Sort your priorities out. I've had the piss to take, that's Liam, that's backfired as badly as anyone's have a word effort ever. That was such a, considering that was

condiments, that you got both barrels from the fucking comedian and the PA. Pow. Fucking maggot. I've had the piss taken out of me for putting mayo on a burger.

I thought that was standard fare. Oh, on beef? Oh, really? I like a little bit of mayo. It's okay. I like it as well. It is rogue, but I'm with you. Is it rogue?

It is rogue, but I'm still with you. And in this new era of burgers, it's becoming a lot more accepted because in these almost famous-y places, they're just fucking wazzing everything together and see what works. Do you know what I mean? They're the ones who start going,

do you know what, you can have mayo on beef. It used to pair traditionally with chicken. It was like red wine and bolognese for years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now it's- If you put ketchup on a chicken burger that's more maverick than going mayo

on a cheeseburger isn't it I mean I would be like what do you know what I think about five years ago they were on par

but the mayo on the beef burger has become more popular so I think it is more of a maverick move but I reckon long term I'm talking 100 years time

they'll be doing that everywhere hot sauce that red stuff that you just got for your Domino's, a little bit of that on a cheeseburger. I put hot sauce on scrambled eggs. I put hot sauce on everything. Hot sauce on cheese on toast. I mean, it makes it a little better.

Do you go black pepper on cheese on toast? A little bit. Salt and black pepper on everything. You put salt and black pepper on everything. What's your favourite sauce, Dan sauce hot sauce it's it's the reds hot sauce that's your favorite hot sauce it's the best one i've tried to chill my own i've tried to make my own hot sauce and i did quite well so if you're honest take away where you go you go hot sauce all the time no no no no no that's not that's not that's not what's your favorite no i

know but that's a different question if you could only it's like the it's the most versatile if you're doing desert island

sauces what sauce are you going to use forever on the most things probably go ketchup

but if I can use everything if I use four sauces on something what's a bit maverick but I think hot sauce is my favourite

yeah garlic mayo's up there garlic mayo sweet chilli's gonna be up there. Sweet chilli's up there. And this is where we go back to the mint yoghurt on pizza that you hate.

Brown sauce. Oh. I'm not against it, but, yeah. I have it on all breakfast stuff. I can have red with sausage as well, but bacon is brown sauce. Hot sauce on a bacon sandwich with a bit of Tommy Arto works as well. Tommy Arto? Tommy Arto.

Tommy Arto. Tommy Arto. All right, place for Benfica. Oh, Tommy Arto. Oh, Tommy Arto works as well Tommy Arto Tommy Arto Tommy Arto Good man fielded it Only place for Benfica Oh Tommy Arto Oh Tommy Arto Erm Yeah I will try that Hot sauce on a bacon butty

But I am very accustomed To me brown sauce On me bacon butty Just dealing with the big issues Aren't we Taking them down One by one Liam

Liam is a fucking bitch Who needs to pull his fucking Cock out of his own arse And have a fucking Whip it to pull his fucking cock out of his own arse and have a fucking weeb in himself. Oh, Liam. Yeah, pull your cock out of your arse. Liam, it's gone as badly for you as you can imagine. You must feel bad.

He's like... Left turn on that one, Liam. Stephen James says, wag, wag, lids. I wonder where it's from. Watch the fucking programme. Shithead. Gotta have a word for you here. Programme. Wag wag lids. I wonder where it's from. Watch the fucking program. Shit, Ed. Got to have a word for you here.

Program. Myself and two of my oldest and closest friends are in a Facebook group chat. I always send messages. Facebook group chat. Seneca uses that. It's pathetic. Well, she's the only person that I like that does.

Oh, I always send messages into it and ask all sorts of questions and they never seem to reply or they are very slow, as in a few hours later. The problem is, both of their girlfriends dobbed them in

and said they are both always on their phones. So, do you need to have a word with them for being shitty friends and start answering when something is asked and not just when they want

to know something? Or, do you need to have a word with me for being a needy cunt? Is this Gimp Week? Yeah. That's Stephen James from Cardiff. It's like Shark Week. What's this?

Both barrels? You're about to get them, Steve. For being so insecure, put your phone down and fucking shove it up your arse. Group chats are funny for when something happens. Group chats are great

for when something's happening. Like... Facebook? Facebook group chats? No, no, no. It should be a WhatsApp group. It's WhatsApp or nothing. Yeah. But a group chat no no no it should be a whatsapp it's whatsapp or nothing yeah but like a group chat on whatsapp can be really fun hilarious if something's happening

but just putting fucking sounds like he's putting a daily riddling and getting pissed off when no one's doing it i think steven i think your chat might this is hard to say because i'm like i think your chat's shit i I think, I think you. Is there three people? Yeah. That's not a group chat for me. On Facebook though. A group chat.

If anyone's messaged me on Facebook, this sounds like I'm being harsh. Unless you're like one of my mum's friends or like my auntie types. And I'm like, yeah, of course they don't know better. I do think a bit less of you. Why are you making me go on Facebook? I don't even want to be on there ever anymore and you get ping someone doesn't know what year it is so i you all know how bad i am for being on my phone we do right so i check i have like a a rotation of things i check in the same order so i check whatsapp instagram twitter that's such a good day i've loved today I'm really making myself laugh

I absolutely agree I check Facebook Messenger Maybe once a day Not like while I'm checking everything else I've got notifications on I need to take them off I don't have notifications on anything Because once I'm on my phone

I'm not coming off it Do you have banners on? Not on Twitter Not on Instagram Randomly Do you know do you have banners on not on twitter not on instagram I mean home screen banners do you know what I need to change

it's from being a comic on the facebook comedians page I got so much work off that that I was like yeah that's the one thing that can send me

push notifications like guess what but facebook is so shit that I need to take it off it's such a pest now i've just got whatsapp i'm gonna have just whatsapp because whatsapp's everything now even when people text i'm like yeah texting yeah i only text him we text each other but why not whatsapp i don't know i don't know it's separate changes no do you know what it is? I think it's a safety net. Because it's separate.

Because I know if I'm texting someone, I'm texting him. And also, I don't get notifications from me WhatsApp, but I do from me text. So if I get a text, I know it's important and it's from him. And it helps for our group, because obviously I miss a lot in the group and it takes me a while to get back to stuff. But if it's really urgent, he'll text me, check the group. Oh, I didn't know you were doing that. I don't ever think you're that slow on the group.

What is weird, though, is that we, as a WhatsApp, I used to hate, I used to love a cleared out inbox. Now I realize that that is impossible. We have merch ideas. Merch. We have Have A Word. We have Have A Word with Matthew. We have the one.

You have 30 WhatsApp groups. And I'm not in all of them. But I know something's going weird when adam just messaged me on whatsapp and it comes out adam roll i'm like oh private oh my god i'm getting private row what's going on oh it's like enough no not very often okay yeah when we do it is about you okay it has to be otherwise i'll be in because it doesn't have a way it's usually like 20% question mark. It should be 25, 30.

Let's know what's in play. Don't want any more guests. Let's bid them on. They're not good. It's not good. It's not good. You know what? Have a word is my least favourite bit.

I was like, I don't know. You're like, well, no. Dean Marlin. Marlo. Isn't that a fish? Marlin. Dean Marlin. That's a fish, isn't it?

Eh? Dean Marlin. Dean Marlin. Striker for Dortmund. Yeah, he's a striker for Dortmund. Oh, sorry. Harland. No, Donyell Marlin.

That is, sorry. Oh, yeah. Fuck it is. it's also spelled differently it's Christian Pulisic alright lads did you used to play for Dortmund

yeah Lars Ricken stick that up your fucking vagina I know Lars Ricken Michael Arteta from before alright lads

I want you to have a word with my brother when his when his baby was born the baby used to suffer from constipation to get around this my brother used to lube up a cotton bud and shove it up his son's arse he claims he claims a doctor told him to do this have a word and tell him he's a weird cunt and it's not normal that's from dean mallon, Dortmund. Basingstone.

You've got to do what you've got to do if your baby's fucking plunged off. Don't use your finger. This is just like taking your missus' hair out the sink, isn't it? No! It's very different! When you're fucking lubing up

an earbud and you want to get the baby When we say lube Was he like just spitting on it Or are we talking KY jelly Oh my god If he spat on it He forward that to the police

Mate Baby oil Has got to be used for something How old has your baby got to be Before this is illegal Well my baby's just about to turn one, and I reckon there would be a look on his face like, the fuck are you doing, kid?

And I think then it's too far. When they're all like... Is it ever illegal? Why? Is it ever illegal to cock about someone's arsehole? At some point, that becomes a sexual assault, I think. Even to help them? Yeah.

They've got to ask for it. Maybe they have to articulate. They don't want to be fucked with a mere butt. Yeah. They've got to ask for it. Maybe they have to articulate. They don't want to be fucked with a mirror. Yeah. No. You've just got to really like, obviously they can't speak, so you've just got to take it from their eyes.

Doesn't consent. My baby's got way more fun recently. And if he gets like a crusty, Laura tries to like get the bogey out of his nose and he's like, they're fighting him. He's unbelievable. I can't imagine a Q-tip going up a bumhole.

It's just not going to go up. This one. Ice Q-tip. So, yeah, I think it is a bit weird, but I don't know what you meant. What's the alternative? Just let the baby explode of poo. Explode of poo?

Get toxic shock and die, Dan. What? The baby would get toxic shock and die. How badly do you have to be constipated? This is what happened to my rabbit, I've told you. What? It couldn't shit and it blew up. Why didn't you finger your rabbit?

No, my rabbit, when I was a kid, died of constipation because it got all bunged up in the arsehole. You found it? No, why didn't you finger your rabbit no my rabbit when I was a kid died of constipation because it got all bunged up in the arsehole you found it no I didn't I've told you this on this before I think you've been lied to

no I haven't I found the rabbit dead covered in its own shite what so the shit the shit exploded no that happens to you

so the rabbit was constipated right the rabbit was full of shit yeah I found the rabbit the next day And because it had died And your whole body Sort of goes

All the rabbit The rabbit just Emptied out He was in bed He just said The rabbit's dead It's like Oh fucking rabbit's dead

That is a body Failing to do its job Isn't it God you're so constipated You're going to have to die To get rid of this Yeah Yeah So how big was the shit Instead of droppings It was like It was like two rabbits worth of shit failing to do its job innit god you're so constipated you're gonna have to die to get rid of this yeah yeah

so how big was the shit instead of droppings it was like it was like two rabbits worth of shit how much shit was it about three and a half rabbits that fucking

big rabbit yeah my rabbit killed itself by accident how unnerving would that be if there was like an Alsatian shit next to your rabbit

and the rabbit was like so tired now boss I expect this shit. If you had to shove a wrapper up your ass, who would you pick? If I had to shove a... Ow. Kane's in the car.

It actually made sense from the Q-tip. Q-tip's very American, isn't it? It's what they call earbuds. What do we call them? Earbuds. I'm so tired. It's worked great. What rapper would you show up here as if you had to?

If you had to pick a rapper? Kendrick Lamar. He seems like I'd be able to manage him. Eminem. Statistically speaking, probably got the smallest dick. I mean the whole rapper. You're going dick first. What?

You're not bumming him. You're literally disappearing a whole rapper up your bum that's silly that doesn't make any sense be humble sit down

that's a Kendrick Lamar song Snoop Dogg fuck off well because he's thin he's quite skinny isn't he I go Snoop he's a tall man I don't know how we've reached

a new level of stupid with today's episode what do you mean wait till Shane Gillis is on. How long are we done? Let me know when we can finish. This has been so good, I don't want to ruin it with a crap one.

Would you shove an island boy up your arse? Would what? Would you shove an island boy up your arse? They've got mad hair down. I don't want them anywhere near my person or my arse. You're too tired and you need to not talk again for the rest of the episode. One more.

One more. One more of the episode one more one more one more we want one more just one more don't want to go show them the way to go this is from Gary Gary who? doesn't say

Gary Anderson wag wag lids can you have a word with my missus or me obviously her though I went on a night out in Sheffield on a night out and drove there. Since I'm from Liverpool, stayed over in a nice B&B on top of one of them

cunting hills. Went on the night out well and good. When I woke up in the morning, I went to go home and my car had gone missing. I went into the B&B, I stayed in to get help, and then came back to where my car had gone missing i went into the b&b i stayed in to get help and then came back to where my car was for me to notice at the bottom of the hill with police surrounding it i quickly ran down the police thought i was that i've been drink driving had to get the b&b to vouch for me i tells the missus what happened and she said i never applied the handbrake properly upset mepset me, nasty bitch.

And now she doesn't believe me. Big up the pod. That's from Gary the Cont. That's how I didn't read the surname. Gary the Cont. That is your French. Do you think he's lying? No, that's Le Cont.

Do you think he's lying? What? Do you think he's lying? Or do you think he's had a similar experience to you? I think he's a horrible shit. And he's being mean about something that I suffered. Was it an offer on a mail?

That's the question. Well, wouldn't that just be apt if it was? If it was an early noughties silver 156. when you found the car at the scare,

was the handbrake off? This is how annoying this is. You didn't check? I wish I could tell you. I didn't check. Convenient, those who don't know the context of this Dan did a gig in Sheffield

a while back and had a very similar experience to Gary here when he went to do a gig left his car on a hill and when he came back it was at the bottom of the hill

having ran into a main road and hit a skip You're ruining this part This is a really fun episode gary gaz who's gary rat one more yeah one more that's not having a dig at me what i hope this last one's a dig at you wag wag lids i once wanked off fucking national expert no wag wag lids i have once wanked off fucking national expert. No. Wag wag lids. I have a somewhat serious

have a word. Me and my missus of seven years have had this argument for a few years now about whether we christen our child when we eventually have one.

She's absolutely adamant that we have them christened just because she is and it's traditional some bollocks and I'm having none of it. She doesn't even go to church. She doesn't believe

in Christianity so I generally don't understand why the fuck she wants to do it. Have a word with her for me lids or have a word with me if you think i'm over exaggerating the whole thing thanks don't best catholic schools are the better schools that's why yeah it's quite quite a common it's a common thing in liverpool this people christen their kids first of all when you christen your kid you get to have a little party fucking great there is

nothing better in the world than a Sunday afternoon christening drinking session. It is the peak of alcohol consumption. Better than wedding? Yeah. Wedding's too long. Yeah. Wedding's lengthy, isn't it? Christening's fucking great drinking.

It's phenomenal. Indoctrinate children that can't fucking say no. Oh, just, no. You get a fucking old paedophile to throw a bottle of water on your kid's head and then you never let him see your kid again. It sounds great. Just to facilitate afternoon drinking,

get an old pedophile to wet a child and go, you told Domine fucking Padre, but da da da da, da da da da, Benfica fan. Da da da da, I am a pedophile. And I like wetting children's head You get to go to a better school That's it

In Liverpool He doesn't care Yeah What would you be like Because you're a very atheist What if Laura wanted The kids' existence To go to a good school

Well would she Look Etta goes to a C of E school But luckily And it's the only one In the fucking Village so

But Yeah I find it massively frustrating But again C of E school but luckily and it's the only one in the fucking village so but yeah I find it massively frustrating but again all I'm bothered about is dog porn so I'm not going to do

anything about it but I find it it's so entrenched in our education system they're like this church is yeah but just don't be the master

fucking shite just shut up and get your kids oh it is horrible though isn't it it is yeah but he's not going to change the world is he he's writing into us so he hasn't got much fucking vim just fucking let your wife

do whatever she wants to your kids smile while it's happening and occasionally she'll suck you off suck a dog off in parliament square see what happens yeah no more talking Carl you really should leave that Suck a dog off in Parliament Square. See what happens. Yeah, no more talking, Carl. You really should leave that there.

No, don't you. I'll shout. Oh, I shout. Carl says. Go on. Hey! Yeah? Hey!

I love these mics. Did you just hear a distant racist I hate it I'm with you Lyd Dom it's fucking horrible but they're right you've got to play the fucking game don't try and be some fucking hero your wife wants the kid christened

for whatever reason just take the fucking Sunday session with your mates you can invite all your mates under the guise of giving your wife what she wants and we know what women are like they're very insistent she gets what she wants she gets what she wants she can't argue with it and you get to get pissed on a sunday afternoon from like 11 in the morning until whenever and you don't need a babysitter because you get to take the kids with

you yeah there's not this is a win-win for you you don't give a fuck you don't need a baby sitter because you get to take the kids with you. Yeah. There's not, this is a win-win for you. You don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck that the baby's going to be christened. Nothing's going to change. You can still tell the kid all day, every day, that Jesus is a gobshite

and God's a fucking bellend and that everyone within the church. All day, every day. All day, every day. By the way, lad, Jesus was a gobshite. Tell him it's all bollocks. Tell him it's basically-

Sorry to interrupt the class, little Tommy. Remember this, kids. Don't let these fucking pedos in. Bollocks. All day, any day. Yeah, educate him on the history of child abuse within the Catholic Church so he knows to avoid priests.

Let him know that religion, organised religion, is essentially one big tax dodge. You can educate your child whilst also taking advantage of the system yeah and you get to get pissed on a sunday with your mate or muslim faith school that's the other option convert to islam what's a muslim christian what did he pour on you not good for the fucking bevy that one you're welcome it is liberal muslims who just don't really care about the uh age old laws around

alcoholism right not loads of them around muslim faith schools is it you know don't get a lot just and there's one used to be generalized and get us in trouble again yeah there's a pta fundraiser that i probably wouldn't do the muslim faith school i'd probably leave that one for freddie um yeah i can't get a i can't get a closer um you've really got to go on the piss though i'm i'm warming to adam's argument but you have to like it can't be like oh five o'clock i'm a bit hammered i'll come home with the wife and kid now you've got like the boy she goes out if she wants to go home she goes on going dom where are you going like i am forsaken my fucking atheist beliefs

I'm going down And get a shit face Go to Fubar and Sterling Go Sterling I'm going Sterling The fucking kids In there Eleven

Motherfucking Shit What What I think that's an Apt end I've added more tour dates Adamro.co.uk

Forward slash shows. Oh, fucking death row. Why is it gone? Sorry, I talked over it. Cardiff, second date added. Oxford, first date added. Birmingham, fifth date. There's loads.

Just go to the website. I don't know. You know where you want to come. It might be there. I'm trying. Thanks to everyone who's bought tickets for the new comedy club in Chester. It starts June the 11th.

That is soon to sell out out we've got August 20th September 24th and November 26th great bills cannot wait and it's comediansclubchester.com online to go and have a look

what a fucking load of fun this was yeah you got an early night in you is that what's coming have you got a gig got a gig sandwich

to talk all day bye bye Felicio