Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #166 with Jason Manford - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

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Me gone. Go ahead. Get on me. Enjoy the episode. Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch!

Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word.

Go, Ed. Get on me. Have you got Parkinson's? What's happened with that cup of tea? It's coffee. Fucking hell, mate. You've had a right fucking... I mean, if I did have Parkinson's at the minute, that would be really insensitive, wouldn't it? I can tell on someone like that.

Oh, no, it's just on the side. You've just had a little spill. Yeah, it's just. You look like you've had a. All the way back from the coffee making area. Over here. I'm in a permanently good mood at the minute. Just always just in a good mood

permanently good mood it does help when you're winning bare awards at the chortle awards don't it I mean that makes you feel pretty good I mean we all won an award fucking liar we are the champions my friend

I mean to get all of them to get or and you also like we've got to remember beat the frog as well because they got missed off the tweet and then the frog were like oh dan you've already forgotten i didn't know they'd won that no so they won best new comedy club hot water won best club alfie won best show adam was won best uh club comedian and we won best podcast up your fucking fucking ass! Up the word. Oh, aye. It's really, really funny, isn't it?

Because Chortle, for years, like, a big criticism of it, and a very valid one, is that it's so London-centric and that it hates Northern comedy. And then it's an absolute clean sweep for Northern comedy. And obviously, Alfie's London-based,

but he's fucking one of ours, you know what I mean? I think the lids have been a big part of that, haven't they? I think these award shows might been a big part of that haven't they I think these award shows might stop nominating us soon

because the public vote thing is so unbelievably unfair if we're involved like I'm not the best club comedian in the country

according to Chortle I'm the best who got nominated who has 12,000 patrons no I think you'd have won that anyway I'm not saying that as you may No, I think you'd have won that anyway. I'm not saying that as you mean it.

Yeah, I think you've... I mean, all of those guys were very good, but it does help that you're very, very good and you've got ultras, lids, the lid army, and then all the fucking pubes who, by the way, we don't... It's not like... I know we give them stick for not signing up to Patreon,

but they're a massive part of that vote as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Club comedian who hasn't done a club in two months. Yeah, but so this is the thing. So first of all, I'll just say this. So they announced on Chortle when the voting closed, they said the Chortle Awards voting is now closed and almost 10,000 votes have been cast and the second

i seen that i went oh we've won everything because at least half of them will have been our patrons um yeah so when i got nominated for best club comedian i remember there was a couple of colleagues of mine who were like why the fuck are they nominating you for club comedian you've got a 70-day tour at the minute here's the thing i take like for years within comedy club comedian has been a sneer he's just a club comic i call me special laugh for a reason i'm very proud that's where i started and i still identify as that and i will always be as far as i'm concerned a club comic all the best comics are club comics yeah i will never not be a comic who does the clubs oh yeah like when you say i haven't done a club for two months i haven't done a weekend at a comedy club for two months i've been a hot water in the middle of

this tour and just gone and fucked about on a monday and a wednesday because that's how you stay good yeah and all the best american comics when they're done with their tour they go back to the comedy clubs and they work it out. And I will always do that no matter how successful I get and how many tour tickets I'm selling and how many tour dates I'm selling. So if there was any award at the Chortle Awards

I'd give a shit about, I'd want to win that one. Congrats, man. It's nice. Very, very nice. It does feel... And also, I didn't get nominated

or win Best Compaire. Thank you! Oh, thank you! That was honestly nominated or win best comp pair. Thank you. Oh, thank you. That was honestly the biggest win of the night, me not being nominated or winning. Thank you. Shortle. It's so funny, isn't it?

Because you're like, oh, fucking Shortle. What a load of fucking bullshit. Oh my God, did we win? Nice one. Thank you. I was like, oh yeah. The year I got the four and a half stars, I got it early in the fringe.

No one had got a five stars. And on the reviews that you went on short, and it was me and David O'Doherty, who I've just said all the best comics are club comics. It's not actually true. There are amazing comics who are festival comics and whatnot. All my favorites usually are the guys that have smashed the clubs and in America.

But then there are some amazing comics like David O'Doherty, who you'll probably never see in a club. But I was very proud of that. And literally at the start of that fringe, I was like, I might even tell Chortle to fuck off. I might just say, don't bother. I'm a Northern white comic. You're bored of it.

You don't need to do it. I nearly sent an email going, do you want to just ignore me and just leave me alone and not do the meh if this does you got four and a half I got four and a half

I was like god I fucking love Chortle really I respect them you can also though say that like the idea of reviewing comedy from people who've never done it

and the fact that Chortle has been so London centric for so long is utter bullshit and there's a lot of shite around it and you can not like it and also still just be like oh

we won an award that is mainly voted for by the public and the industry you can still be happy about it. Absolutely and appreciate everyone who voted and when we ask for you to vote and stuff like that I know like it's not all the time and everything but it's massive when you sort of mobilise

because there are some massive podcasts. I said this the last time when we won Podbible. Massive podcasts we're going against, and they've got huge listenerships that just aren't as hardcore as us. Nowhere near. So when we go, please, could you do this?

And you're like, fucking yes. They've got casual listeners. We've got 12,000 members. I reckon we could go around the world, and there's a core group who follow us to everyone yeah the ultras yeah oh you know where they are as well so massive oh i've got a speeding ticket i got a parking space okay well done mate hey top of the league well done my bung it was a bung, though.

It was in Abramovich. Golden ticket to watch me at any comedy show or doing a poo from here till the end of time. I got told not to tell anyone, so I'm just going to tell half a million people or however many listen this week. I just, on my way into my building the other day, a member of staff, I won't mention who it was,

she just went, where's my free tickets to your tour show? I went, where's me fucking parking space? The next day I got a phone. What a friendly people they are in Liverpool. Where's my fucking ticket, lads? Where's my parking space? And the next day she rang me, and she's like,

got you a parking space. Tell no one. Apart from. It was in her bag as well. Everyone on the air. There's the parking space. Park it in here. Don't worry. It was in a bag as well. Everyone on the internet. There's the package. Pack it in here. Don't worry.

It's a big envelope. Was it in your new car, Daniel? You're naughty. Have you been speeding with your tyres? What are you meant to do? It's fast. You're meant to drive it fast. What were you doing in what?

I'm shitting it now. Because I got it last Thursday. I did 61 in a 50 Where you got the On the Coming off the bridge Me too Fucking wrong corn

Just let people drive through you quickly You're wrong corn How did you get done there? Oh yeah That's all three of us Yeah Dickhead But I've been driving

Like a fucking bell end For a week and a half And it's taken them a week To send the speeding fine. I'm now shitting it that there's going to be letter after letter, like you're a fucking bellend, you're a bellend. And then I'm going to get Freddie Quinton six months off. You cannot challenge four speeding tickets by going,

I got a Z4 and it's faster than anything I've ever got. And the top was down and I'm bald. And the air was flowing through my head i'm scared i haven't i've only just got it remapped oh fuck you're fucked so i got it from getting remapped if you get banned then got the speeding ticket i was like i've just made it faster if you get banned i'll drive it for you to make to keep the engine that sound like you know you need another parking space then no i'll just sell my car oh nice one love and then in six months i'll buy a new car or i'll buy yours off you and you can buy a new car it's not even that fast i thought i was getting pulled

over on the motorway by the plod i haven't heard plod for a while taking that back 5050 busies busy sounds right it's got rats the scum the The rats. The pieces of shit. Easy, easy. They don't write for the paper. The lowest of society. The hat-wearing cunts. We call paramedics health grasses, you know. All right. All right, good fellas.

Pig twats. Fucking bullshit. I'm Adam Rowe. Don't live by the fucking laws, mate. Someone breaks in my house. This is my judicial system. I go out there and start fucking taking names. 999, I've been broken in. You swill drinking fucking scumbags.

Thank you for protecting us. Pig cunts. The lowest form of human that... Black Lives Matter. We call that paramedics. Health grasses. Yeah i'm fire grasses and firemen yeah there's a paramedic that lives across the road from us called simon and if you go fuck simon if you go how was work oh it's i don't know he's just one of them and he's honest

and you're like i should never ask that question again there's a paramedic through covid isn't it like oh yeah it's just grim so you got pulled over what do scousers call busies the busies the busies alright Adam you're not actually

in organised crime stop making out the scum fuck off one time or the 5-0 5-0 do you know why they get called

one time what's one time because you only look once and then you look away yeah because if you look again they're going to bust you if you look again you look suspicious so you look and you get called one time? What's one time? Because you only look once and then you look away. Yeah, because if you look again, they're going to bust you. If you look again, you look suspicious. So you look and you're like, one time.

Don't look again. Because you're like. If you do that, you're finished. Oh, yeah. They're onto you. Well, I did that. In Liverpool, maybe. In Cheshire, like, hello, officer.

Thank you for protecting us. So I was going. I just touched my phone. You can't do that no more can you the new laws six six points yeah i just touched six points to wake it up for me sat nav and there's a busy car in a lay-by have you not got it on a little thingy thing no it's in his car um and the busy car was in a lay-by and as i drove past it matched to my speed and enjoying the motor i was like ah what have i done here turn those lights on and then this fucking range rover comes speeding up next to me and like that police range rover yeah like a big bastard fella and then i was like oh what the fuck and then two of them yeah two of them and the one

behind me pulled out drove past me and he boxed the car in front he boxed the car in and then slowly slowed it down and then like jumped out with the guns in there with the guns yeah like put like he was like throwing them over the bonnet what is it what's he done to his phone i slowed down and then just like i didn't see what happened after that i thought i was getting bused weird that new law though isn't it that you can't touch your phone, but you can touch anything else. You can have a trombone, but you can't touch your phone. I don't think you can have a trombone.

Touch anything else. You can't have a trombone. You can have a child on the dashboard. You can play the saxophone at 70 miles an hour. No, you can't. And the police will not bat an eyelid. Ah, dude. You send one text message.

Adam Law. Why are you in jail? QC Adam Row. Hey, no, it is a legal fact. Unadulterated legal fact. You can play a saxophone at 70 miles an hour. Show me. Show me the law.

Show me the law. It says that that's all right. Fuck off. Have you seen a fella who eats phone-shaped cookies in the car? So when they come over, they go, oh, what if I broke the law for eating a cookie? And it just eats it. You're actually not allowed to do anything at the wheel that would distract you from driving, so you can't eat or drink. So when they come over They go Oh what have I broken the law For eating a cookie And just eat You're actually not allowed

To do anything at the wheel That would distract you From driving So you can't eat or drink Or play a saxophone You can't There's exemption From saxophones

Come on You never If you have a water And you take a drink You're never getting points For that are you It depends how much Of a scumbag

The fucking pig is Yeah What if it's a phone Shaped water bottle Love it when he when he acts hard you know i go from rags to riches oh i'm not i'm not saying that i'm hard i'm not saying i can beat every busy on my own 95 i'm saying i know people who could handle situations scottish john you know scottish john scottish John doesn't get his hands dirty. Oh, yeah?

He's done time. Yeah. I've done my fucking time. The police are in his pocket anyway. Oh, he pays them off? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Crooked cops, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, makes sense. Yeah, fuck off. But if you do get a particularly cunty pig, then if you have a sip of coffee There's loads of police I fucking hope you get pulled over And fingered Why?

Because you deserve it They won't dare finger me Not with my IBS If they listen to this They know I'll shit down his arm Down his arm He's thinking of from below Oh please if you work for the police

Just pull this cunt over He so deserves it Why? Because you... Fucker! Pig! Like you're part of some fucking crime syndicate. What are you saying?

You absolute pude. I'm not slagging anyone off. I'm saying they're the lowest form of people. What is going on? Scum pigs. You're accountable to your own bullshit. Pull him over. Five-0.

Not Cheshire Police. No, one time. Hello, Adam. lovely to see you love your performances the one time one time one time oh yeah you're so badass you one time yeah yeah i remember the fucking police rolling up on our catholic college you're like fuck off pigs we're trying to do our sociology a level a warrant actually what you ain't got no one in pig can't search me that's a warrant pig don't bring no busy don't even talk to the cops

i once told the cops to move on and he did once they all they love that they love that the albert dock is privately owned property unless the police are invited on they may not come on and i once told who are you albert how do you who do you decide i used to work there right you know he's for the doc no well the albert doc is private land so like the police can't they've got no jurisdiction unless you're right you're right you're right because i'm once you once you go to baby blue you can just stab someone and the police the police are just at the gates you know near the hilton going for another stabbing lads what can we do

there's no jurisdiction they get invited then oh invited what do you think come on do you think they're vampires they can't come in unless they're invited who invites the police carl who is the assistant manager of baby blue it's a fact Right So you asked them No but like You know like the basic laws Are like public indecency And that Like obviously

If I get me arsehole out In the middle of Concert Square And shit on the floor You can arrest me for that Because it's a public place Concert Square It's been done before Right

Saturday night If I did that You can arrest me On the Albert Dock No You can't Unless the owner of the Albert Dock Is like

Stop him He's off in there with a telescope Lord Albert Is just And he's up there on the top Someone's shitting Hang on You think the owner's called Albert Dock

Oh you're right I don't I don't call I don't Just being silly Thank you You're right Thanks for pulling me up

Do you want me to Thank you Is that a new one? Yes. Is it? Matthew. That was fast, that. Came yesterday as well.

No jurisdiction. Yeah. What can you get away with, you know? Because you don't trust the fucking busies, do you? No, you can't do like- Why didn't you rent somewhere on the dock and then you could just live a crime-filled life? You should have just rented on the docks

because I like to live on the edge so I'm on the edge of the docks yeah yeah yeah I'm in your jurisdiction still don't give a fuck them pussies living on the docks easy not giving a fuck about the busies on the docks what about the coast you got a what about the coast guard

oh that's where the jurisdiction what the seagrass seagrass don't trust them either mate they're in cahoots with the fucking fish in there i like the coast guard oh yeah he's pro coast guard yeah because he's always keeping all the fucking walls out, mate. Keeping Birkenhead at bay. With what? What? Uzis. That's how they get over. Keeping all the walls out? Yeah.

What do you think they are, like? Africans on a dinghy trying to get to Italy? They're coming through the tunnel. What? They're coming through the tunnel. Yeah. Yeah. They've got to pay the toll for that.

That's what Liverpool's expected. All of the Birkenhead walls are like, I think we need to go to Liverpool. We're going to emigrate to Liverpool. In that voice. Because that's a wall voice, essentially, isn't it? Of course. I think we should go on dinghies. Not expecting it.

Underestimating it. Now with the Coast Guards there with oozes. Hey! And that's what they do just before they shoot. Hey, lad! It's quite a short distance gun as well. You'd have to... Back to Hamilton Square, you cunt! Fuck it, no.

Don't mess with the coast guard. They sound rough as fuck. I will shoot a hole in your fucking dinghy and the next shot's going through you. No, back over there. Turn it around. Where would you aim? Going through you. No, back over there. Turn it around. Where would you aim?

I hate your questions. Fucking hate your questions. I can see it in his eyes. If war struck the UK. What are you on about? Where would you get your dinghy to, Daniel? Where would I get my dinghy to? Oh, Isle of Man, innit?

Isle of Man. No, they're getting fucked up, then. Amsterdam. What? What are you talking about? If Warstruck the UK, where are you safe? Where's a quick, just go to the Isle of Man. Go and hang out with Nelson, where they're all like... It's not the UK, though.

The island people. Isn't that close to the UK? I think it'd be safe. Channel Islands. Can't call them island people anymore. Island boys, innit? It's a slayer against the Isle of Man. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is. It's basically as bad as the N-word these days. You've been looking at Sophie Hagen's Twitter. I'm not from the Isle of Man, so maybe I don't have an opinion. I'm not talking about her. I'm not talking about her. I'm not giving her the attention she craves.

What's the word you can't say? You stupid fucking gobshite cunt. What's the word you can't say? We're all blocked. Mate, the whole of the police force and now Sophie Hagen. Everyone's getting burnt down and we're winning awards doing it.

What's the word you can't say on the Alamant? Is it rat? Yeah. Can't say the word rat on the Alamant. We'd be fucked. That's actually a fact.

You can't call someone a rat on the Isle of Man we'd be fucked that's actually a fact you can't call someone a rat that is like akin to like calling someone's mother a fucking cum guzzling whore which we do every third week yeah

on this yeah yeah yeah yeah but like you wouldn't do it to a stranger isn't it on their flag or something or is it the three legs isn't it three legs on it but there's something to do with rats on the Isle of Man

is it the plague yeah the plage don't say rat on there hey shout out the island man if you know what

the rat thing is can we pull it up do we know I think it's double T as well isn't it rat that's double A rat

it's also Welsh rat rat rat rat rat rat rat

rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat

rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat

rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat

rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat

rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat rat how do they have ratatouille then? long tail is a use if it isn't a rat

a relatively it's a superstition it's bad luck mentioning the word yeah so you can't you can't say it but it's just no they say long tail

instead of rat the old long tail yeah I reckon you'd be safe there for a bit if the UK gets invaded if there's war just fuck off to there

I'd go to Amsterdam me I'd be the best comic on the Isle of Man I'd get a kayak from Newcastle to Amsterdam. So where is the invasion coming from that you're going to mainland Europe to be safe? I felt like the Isle of Man was going away from the problem. Canada to fucking as well.

The Canadians. Classic. Because, just like the fucking wolves coming over the Mersey, we weren't expecting an attack from Canada. Underestimate them. We said, oh, he was shit. Trudeau.

We said, oh, he was shit. And they were like, whoa, let's go, lad. Start a war. And Trudeau came, he was at the front like, hey. Trudeau.

Trudeau. Good stuff. Thank you for the question, Carl. Loved it. Are you gigging on the Isle of Man for your tour? Yep. It was a mistake. Why?

He's great when he's just won awards. He's fun. This is exciting. Oh my god, the police, Hagen and now the Isle of Man. Go for it, Adam. So, every single date I've done so far on my tour has sold out all of them right the people who run the venue in the isle of man got in touch with me yeah like right we've got an 850 seater do you want it and i was like great i was like that's probably a bit big for me they were like there's nothing else on you'll fucking

smash it yeah exactly so they were like uh no nothing else on you'll fucking smash it yeah exactly so they were like uh no we'll we'll give you the guarantee so you're not going to lose any money and i was like right okay and they're like and we're pretty confident you'll you'll fill it a 50 paul smith sold it out in two shows in an hour and a half so you'll be fine i was like okay great um i think at last count nine i think we've sold nine sold nine. No, it's not. We've sold nearly 200 or something, but in an 850 seat air, that's just not enough. Mate, 200 people in the right room is a fucking great gig. 200 people in 800, not good.

I haven't actually checked it in a while. It might be more now. Right, Isle of Man, come on. Come on, let's do it. What's the Isle of Man's accent? Hello, welcome to the Isle of Man. Oh, is it, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, it's sort of like Scandinavian. It's Scandinavian, South West England. Greenland. Hello, welcome to Isle of Man. Yeah. It's very similar to the accent in Newfoundland. Yeah. Spot on.

Fact. Please don't say that have i never told you about when i went to watch come from away and i couldn't get my head around the accent oh yeah where they landed the plane yeah so the musical come from away is about the planes that landed in newfoundland ganda in canada uh during 9 11 and i i thought all the actors had What's the matter? It's not Hamilton is it? I don't know how we started talking about musicals It's a play

Is it a musical? Welcome to Iraq Say it What's your problem with musicals? Just say it Like whatever they're saying Like whatever they're singing What are you doing? Just trying not to end my own life Just say it. What do you mean? Like whatever they're saying, like whatever they're singing.

What are you doing? Just trying not to end my own life. Just say it. Instead of singing it. Oh, we're going to shops. Da da da da da. What you want? Do you want a cup of tea?

Let's go hang on the shelves. No, you want to play about that. I'm going to shops. You want a cup of tea? Great play. See, much better spoken word. You're right Carl Gripping play that

I'm going Like properly acted though I'm going the shops Do you want a cup of tea Better innit Serious acting Stop taking four minutes to ask To say oh I'm lonely

Oh the famous I'm lonely song I'm lonely I'm lonely He knows I'm on a boat I'm knocking on the door. No one's there. You're not lonely. You're unpopular.

Are you thinking of Waving Through a Window? Yes. Blow the shite. Waving through a window. Oh my God, was that an actual song from an actual musical? I thought you were just being a dick. No. No one likes me.

And he takes four and a half minutes to say it. And he says it again. Everyone's like, oh's like oh the big announcement oh the big announcement is it is it dan coming out yeah oh yeah yeah oh yeah yeah fucking musical boy no it was a amazing when i first watched um i love cock the newfoundland musical where they found some dicks in newfoundland they were like oh my god i've watched that hey hey what are these dicks hey oh my god it's canadian no i like films with songs in school of rock yeah but it's a song but films when they're just singing the story literally boil my i don't like it in films apart from like cartoons like the lion king is amazing and that's a musical every 30 seconds a new song starts it's a musical it is it is i know but you're like no it's a good cartoon i know exactly i completely deleted his entire argument but i liked lion king

jungle book's good as well my hatred of musicals goes to Disney and then I'm like oh shut up I love Disney I think Disney's it's own thing no like this

oh I've lost me car keys that's just people who love the West End isn't it it does me head in it's fantastic and you'll love it and we're going to

we're going to see one when we're in London we're there for Dylan Moran and my fourth London tour days now on sale the night after that we've got a night off and we are going to see one when we're in London we're there for Dylan Moran and my fourth London tour date now on sale the night after that

we've got a night off and we are going to see a show listen I've been to Broadway I've been to the West I've been there all of them

boy the shite Broadway the West End Central Lincoln I've been to them all saw the School of Rock on Broadway

Grimsby Quayside did you like it yeah so what are you talking about then because I already liked the film right I've been to them all. Saw The School of Rock on Broadway. Grimsby Quayside. Did you like it? Yeah. So what are you talking about then? Because I already liked the film. Right. It's just an adaptation.

Right. Before you even join in, shut up, Finn. Shaking your big Welsh-Turkish head. Actually, it's phenomenal music. I'm too impatient for them to sing what they could say in 10 seconds. It pisses me off. Then you'd really like hamilton apart from disney can't wait to be king me and they were like yeah yeah we understand why it's gonna be a big

promotion for you yeah move the film on make the lion king 14 minutes it was actually about people from the wirral, the Lion King. Yeah, but you can't explain that in words. That's an event, isn't it? And you're seeing it. This is just, oh, don't make me mean it. Carl, you're really contradicting your own argument and your hatred of musicals.

I'm on your side, but you're fucking it up with the love of Disney. If you're going to dig your heels on something, make sure your argument is resolute, like mine always is. I think Disney's a different thing. Sorry. I just don't like men talking about the the shit i'm saying you like cartoons though yeah who doesn't like yeah yeah men cartoons yeah i love men cartoons i just don't like men singing get a job

get down the fucking minds stop fucking acting and dancing or just act hey I'm going to shop join a cup of tea in the order where do I get my tea the shop shop for a cup of tea these comes hey I'm lonely let Let me in. That is the song, Dad. Yeah, I know. I know. They're on the door. Go on, kids. Hey, I'm ringing the doorbell. As I'm tap, tap, tapping on the glass. He had to do it right, though. See?

Waving through a window. He had to do it right. He couldn't be like, no, no. Try to speak, but nobody can hear. So I wait around for an answer to appear while I'm rock, rock, rock. 28 minutes, right? Do you remember 14 minutes ago fucking pigs don't even look i don't even look once i can smell bacon don't even need to look

at the fucking pigs pull me over i will fucking shoot you or do some musical theater i hate the busies. Drive, drive, drive. Oh no. What's that in the mirror? It's a fucking pig. La, la, la, la, la. Oink, oink. Don't put me over. Don't give me six points. Hey, you're a phenomenal contradiction, Ralph. Look, I can hate police and love musicals

all at the same time. There's just more things that have never been said in the history of man. Fucking hate the busies, unless they are keeping Western musicals safe. And then, I salute you, PC Plot. Is it a police musical? Because!

Because dirty dancing needs protecting! Oh, shit. What? Jason Manford's been in loads of musicals. Yeah,. Oh, shit. What? Jason Manford's been in loads of musicals. Yeah, he has, yeah. Sweeney Todd, shite. Chitty Bang Bang Belter, because it's from his childhood. Guys and Dolls.

Carl hates musicals. Unless he heard of them before he was 18. Hey, it's got flying cars in it Oh lad Hamilton's got the American Civil War in it Fuck off got a flying Flying cars in the American Civil War It's the same thing

I'll say it to him I'll see what he says Listen tune into part 3 Great so we've got 3 cunts singing and dancing He loves it Manfred fucking loves it Manfred's got a bit of the old showman in him And he'll bring that out three yeah great so we've got three cunts singing and dancing don't go anywhere manford fucking loves it manford's got a bit of the old showman in him and he'll bring that out and then finn will be like tapping along with his finger breaking the fucking keyboard will be really hurt my hand

i just i'm very impatient and it moves over into musicals i also hate period dramas because nothing happens nothing happens. Nothing happens. They all just go, oh, yeah, and then just talk for a bit and then go home. Yeah, that's, yeah. Sense and sensibility

described by... What happens in Pride and Prejudice? What happens? It's a very complicated love story. Someone refuses to change their prejudice beliefs because they've got too much pride. Nailed it.

I mean mean that is the answer of the kid that didn't read the book or what so ever I think it's about someone who's dead prejudiced he hates Asians

he's also proud of it of his culture as a white it's actually about race I imagine and he realises that his prejudice

sort of counteracts the pride of the asian community and by the end they're all sound oh no east is east i always get them mixed up fucking music nothing happens in these films oh got a car

nothing unless you watched the period drama when you were young oh fucking yeah yeah I love fucking I love Emma

watched it when I was 10 I hate them you need to open your mind and your heart to new stories apart from the police fuck them

but for musicals and also period drama what about the from the police fuck them but for musicals and also period drama the police can listen to them same word he takes a lot of shots and sometimes i want it to be in the youtube comments okay absolute clunger that meat lady like that kid i just hate when things don't happen in films like I'd rather watch like

I don't know something else genuinely if you if that's how you feel about musicals you will you are gonna like

I'm gonna take you to see it because it's very fast moving maybe I will like it but you've spoken to that much that I'd rather

fucking cut my arms off why why would you not rather just like have your opinion changed because I don't want to concede now let's go and watch hamilton it will be it will be great like i love hip-hop it's hip-hop

it's more it's more fun you know just hating it because adam loves it so much to be fair but everything i've seen on the west end has been fucking great and I don't like I really I find it cringy but it's it's always really well done now when it gets really painful

is when it's this when you're talking about the West End Broadway you're talking about the absolute pinnacle of musical theatre there are so many leagues

below that let's go and watch some amateur musical theatre. Let's. And you will. Write one. Isle of Man, the musical. No, let's.

That's got to be. Don't say that. Don't say that. Where are you from? Buckinghead. Next year, we're doing a musical. We're doing a live show and it's a musical. Can you take the lead on this one, Adam?

Do we have to sing? Can this be your project? Can it be our project? No, I think you're going to be in it, though. Oh, listen, you get that script you write to me and I will. Hang on, are we on a sing, innit? Yeah. Right.

And dance. Interesting. Adam's never writing this is he Finn you write a musical for us yeah Finn get that done based on what

just let the water run quick fit the musical quick fit the musical no Istanbul no I'd rather are we doing

did you pick out the two things that have never been mentioned on this podcast ever yeah quick fit Istanbul it's what we're known for. Quick Fit, Istanbul.

Famous Istanbul Quick Fit. Yeah, it's on Quick Fit. It was five to five in Quick Fit, and a car came in, and it's not long enough to do it, and he got it done in six minutes. Oh, my friend, we cannot possibly do it. It is five to five. I don't know if you know Istanbul Quick Fit. We go home at five.

The drama. That's a five-minute time. How are you filling that out for an hour and a half It's a five minute musical Because it goes back and shows you the story Of how they all got there I'm in traffic in Istanbul It's so close to rush hour in Istanbul

I have a flat tyre in Istanbul I need the quick fit in Istanbul Cut to the quick fit Like ha ha ha We nearly finished. We always go home at five o'clock because we are quick fit Istanbul. Sounds absolutely AIDS.

You've just wrote that? That's all the bots. Your first draft's never going to be perfect. I'd go and see that. Yeah. What if it was animated? Oh, yes yes What a fucking Cat

The Istanbul cat There's already a musical called Cat Oh yeah Is there a musical called Istanbul Quick Fit Cat Oh yeah there is isn't there There is isn't it It's a spin off

I hope there is I really hope there is Istanbul Quick Fit Cat Fix your wheels And ties me out. What's the kid called, Mr Mistoffelees? Is that his name? What?

What's the kid? Mr Willoffuslees. It sounds taken. Shot my shot. Shot my shot. Didn't even say it right. It's Carl Standard Bad. Oh.

I call time on that. Time. Excellent work, everyone. Thank you. Silly, silly. No break. Hello, everyone. Let's talk about one of our sponsors today.

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See shopify.com slash POS20 for details. Well, coming back. What? Welcoming back What's love got to do Got to do it is What's love got to do Put that in the musical Put that in the musical Whitney Houston in the musical Someone find us a bath.

Oh, no. She died in a bath, you know. Do you know what? I didn't laugh at the Whitney Houston joke, and I don't think a lot of people did either. Makes me not want to listen to the pod. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Bye, Jiva. Don't let your cunt hit you on the door on the way out. Or something. I'm very excited about playing the arena. It's just a major inconvenience, really, isn't it? The 9th of December, I'm meant to be in Morecambe. Are you opening Morecambe? Yeah.

Opening gets closed up until then. I'm going to the circus in a day. Oh, yeah? The old winter circus. I'm going to the circus in a day. Are you? Ah, the old winter circus. I hope the circus doesn't overrun. I hope England aren't in a World Cup semi-final on December the 9th. Why?

Could they be? It will not matter in Liverpool anyway. Correct. Fucking yeah. Because you're Scouse. Not English. Although you are English. You know.

Officially. It's amazing. Because you're Scouse, not English. Although you are English. You know, officially. It's amazing. Fucking amazing. It's ridiculous is what it is. I'm so excited. I can't quite take it in. My family have obviously been very supportive of the podcast and the success we've had. Not all of them know exactly what it is

or what's happening. I think that's all of our families. But it's very real going, we've booked the arena and they're like, oh, that auditorium theatre that you did Blind Date. And you're like, no, the actual arena. An arena. We're playing that.

We're the second podcast ever to play an arena after Chris Ramsey and Rosie. That true, yeah? Yeah. Huh. I also, I love the level up in terms of like, what's it going to be? It's going to be an absolute spectacular.

We've got rehearsals. Oh my God. I'm looking forward to the rehearsals as much. And this is when it gets weird when they're like, obviously you want all these big set pieces and obviously can we do loads and like, but you're going to have to pay extra if you want like Dan flying in on a zip wire. You're like, obviously you want all these big set pieces and obviously you can redo loads and like, but you're going to have to pay extra if you want like Dan flying in on a zip wire.

You're like, what? There's going to be a fucking show. The promotion company were like, well, that's something that you might want to do. And you're like, no, fat men don't want to die that night. You're not going to get on the zip wire. To do what? I'm James Bond, the name me.

That's my entrance. On a zip wire. I want to come in a zip wire To open up my Stand up bit Just come in and Dun dun dun dun Fucking hell

Dance spotlights Smoke And then just Literally get landed And just go Who's drinking I want to open The retractable roof

And parachute in Is it a retractable roof Yeah Is it the Millennium Stadium Cardiff That you're thinking of Wimbledon oh

Wimbledon oh shit you thought we were playing Centre Court Wimbledon I mean that's next innit the middle with the net on

no not December the 9th the grass will be wet no we'll do it the week after Wimbledon the roof will be closed oh cool cool sell a lot of tickets in

SW just believe us by the way it's going to be an absolute the word extravaganza After Wimbledon, the roof will be closed. Oh, cool, cool. Sell a lot of tickets in SW. Just believe us, by the way, that it's going to be an absolute... The word extravaganza. That's what we should have called it, the Havowood extravaganza. Or bonanza. Or bonanza.

Anything with a Z in? Zebra. The Havowood zebra show. The Havowood zoo. It's going to be tremendous. We're going to slowly release what's happening as it gets put together um let us know who you'd like to see in the comments below don't forget to like subscribe ring the bell ring the bell ah this guy he knows how to sell nothing's off either

that's how you sell arenas isn't it it? Like and subscribe, buy an arena ticket. Nothing's off limits. Whatever you want to happen could happen. No, it is off limits. I'm not getting in a zip wire. Yes, you are. I don't want to. I don't care.

Why is it always me? We'd all get on the zip wire. I've got a tattoo on my bum bum. I put one of my balls in a cursed lake. When are you on the zip wire wire i'll get on the zip wire you do the zip wire i'll do trapeze why are you making it more dangerous i'll ask the circus people to come i'm gonna drag it from the circus you just want to double double up it's gonna be hard to double up as a circus act yeah so we've got a double for them just bounce from one gig

to another um shall we do some questions on stand-up we're going to do stand-up in the first half and then it's the full a full podcast live show there will be no other pod lives this is it and it it all builds this is the only live podcast show this year we've got a lot of messages recently asking when we're going to do a live show outside of live pill which is very very valid and fair I think next year sort of towards the summer of next year I think we'll probably do a few live dates we know we want to we need to hit Glasgow, Newcastle, Dublin, Birmingham, Cardiff and maybe London again um we will try and put some live shows on outside of Liverpool next year but the one have a Weird live show this year,

the only one. By the way, that's not a definite as well. That is theoretical. That might not happen. No. That's really hard to make that work. What we do know is, if you want to see this podcast live,

you need to come to the arena on December the 9th. One ticket. That's all there is this year. Nothing else. And you're going to have to be quick because there are I think it's 8,000 tickets

at the Liverpool Arena up to 10 and a half if we open the very top tiers and there's over 12,000 patrons now and it's allocated so if you want to be at the front you need to be at the front

of the fucking queue mate so this replaces the Christmas live show that we did at Hot Water for the last two years there will be no live stream. It is in the room.

It's going to be magical. Yeah, you've got, when's December? Nine months away? Eight and a half months, you've got. Book your hotel now. It'll be about four quid.

Travel, whatever you need to do. We're going to do stand-up to our fans in an arena. That's the other bit that I'm forgetting. Like, I'm going, ah, cool, as a podcast,

we get to do the arena. In that first half, that's the other bit that i'm forgetting like i'm going oh cool we as a podcast we get to do the arena in that first half that's the biggest moment of my career by fucking miles join the club jesus christ he hasn't done many arenas no 11 so far only 11 just the island man you booked the island man arena yeah we'll sell it Paul Smith did it in four minutes don't worry about it you long tail do you know from before he hasn't actually

got in touch with me so I'm going to lie you were the fastest ever sale for the comedy station for the tour shows you sold it out the fastest ever

they've ever done nice Ryan told me and he's going to send me something but he hasn't sent me it so. Rowey bags of tickets. Sold. Yes. Not available.

Rowey bags of tickets available. In the Isle of Man. Going over the water. Matt Smith. Should we do some questions? Stand up question. Smith he got in touch. Smitho. Who's Matt Smith should we do some questions stand up question Smith he got in touch oh Smith Smith oh

yeah who's Matt Smith he hosts football shows and the one show he hosts the one show good in the air it is actually him as well

I've spoke to him and I'm not even messing saw Adam at the stand in Edinburgh it was my first time in an honest to goodness comedy club and I was quite surprised

at how cosy it was some of the audience right in front of the stage, basically at Adam's feet. Do you guys like this? The audience within touching distance or do you prefer a little buffer zone between the performance area and the crowd like Paul had

at the Tivoli? Or is it one of those things where it depends on the gig, the crowd, the buzz on the night, ETC? Dan, can't wait to travel down to Glasgow in October to come and see you on tour. Keep up all the good work. That's from Maffers. Oh, it's Maffers, a.k.a. Matt Smith.

Matt Smith. The closer, the better. I would like to brush people with my cock as I turn on the stage. Wow. And that's why you gig with your dick out. And that's not, you know, like, Bert Kreischer gets his top off.

I don't know if you've you already know this spoiler alert if you've been to adam's tour he he's naked from the waist down yeah like a toddler on a beach socks and shoes on though like a reverse winnie the pooh yeah because he needs in his purchase he does imagine if he turned to like oh i'm doing a joke like a reverse ring the poo because you only got the top on as no no like a Winnie the Pooh Because you only got the top on Like a Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh with a keks on and no top Like a Scouse Winnie the Pooh Exactly like Winnie the Pooh

We'll cut that out Like Winnie the Pooh Yeah yeah With his cock out I've watched a different Winnie the Pooh Has he got his cock out? No he's got a mound I've seen Winnie the Pooh porn You've seen Winnie the Pooh Has he got his cock on? No he's got a mound I've seen Winnie the Pooh porn

You've seen Winnie the Pooh porn? I've seen Winnie Fucking piglet Winnie's a Winnie's a girl What? Winnie is a girl

Winnie is not a girl What are you on about? Winnie the Pooh Winnie the Pooh Is a boy Are you sure? To be honest He's not anything

He's They are just like Oh it's a boy Why is it called? To be honest, he's not anything. They are just like... Oh, it's a boy? Why is it called Winnie then? The daft cunt. Because it's short for Winston. Oh, no, you're thinking of Winnie Mandela.

It's Willie, isn't it? It's short for Winston. It's Winston the Pooh. Winston the Pooh. Not the Winston Churchill. You're having a laugh So Winnie the Pooh is actually a girl Named after a female black bear

Named Winnie It's not true I've seen his dick On Pornhub Winnie the Pooh is a girl I fucking knew it She is a girl And she's from Canada

Not England Suck it Winnie the Pooh is a boy B fucking knew it She is a girl And she's from Canada Not England Suck it Winnie the Pooh's a boy Bollocks In all of the Bollocks Winnie the Pooh's a girl Winnie the Pooh's a girl

It says all over the internet Winnie the Pooh's a girl What's wrong? You've seen his cock I've seen Winnie the Pooh's cock So you can't tell me it's a girl Unless it's someone with a cock Who identifies as a girl

Which is fine Why were you watching Winnie the Pooh porn? It came up Unless it's someone with a cock who identifies as a girl, which is fine. Why were you watching Winnie the Pooh porn? It came up. You're not going to not click on that. Un-gover. Was he walloping someone? Piglet?

Oh, that's got to be illegal. I thought so as well. You're fucking with cartoons. He loves them. Good question. Thanks for that. Enjoyed that. We're not in the mood for serious questions

Robson Parker says out of these careers which do you think could be the best which do you think you'd all be best at so Dan Adam Sensei

Fintan Steve Harry's not here you only get one job each F1 driver bricklayer astronaut translator

for North Korea but is that just Korea though they don't have a separate language do they no it's the same it's Korean I know languages Astronaut Translator for North Korea But Is that just Korea though? They don't have a separate language Do they? No it's the same It's Korean I know languages

They probably have some colloquialisms Yeah Yeah They don't say googly Yeah I'm from North Korea like I fucking hate South Korea And all the South Koreans are like

I fucking love South It's naughty Them fucking commie cunts Get out of it But they wouldn't say googly In North Korea would they? and all the South Koreans are like I fucking love Seoul it's naughty and fucking commie cunts get out of it but they wouldn't say Google it in North Korea would they

because they don't have Google they don't have anything there you go so South Korea has got whiteboards what's that Google they're just like

what's the capital of Taiwan fucking whiteboard it just fucking work it out busboy or dog groomer so you've got to pick one job you think you'd be amazing at F1 driver

you'd be hilarious in an F1 driver just you screaming obscenities at everyone that you drove around that would be phenomenal bricklayer fingers here

you could fucking build the top of the house on the ground floor astronaut I think Carl would be a good astronaut. Translator. When they say translator,

am I just there to translate the language or am I there to negotiate peace? There is peace, isn't there? Feels like they might kick off.

Right. In North Korea. Do you know something about a war that's happening? Did you not see North Korea reveal their nuclear weapon the other day? It was like a Thunderbirds thing.

I think that's more of just a, that's like when you show your blade, you've not actually stabbed anyone yet. Yeah, he hasn't fired a nuke. I'll give you that. Thank you. I will take it. Was that not making you nervous though?

If I had a knife now and I was like, have a look at that, would you be like, well, he hasn't stabbed anyone. Yeah. You'd be worried that I've got a knife, wouldn't you? You're would you be like, well, he hasn't stabbed anyone? Yeah, I think so. You'd be worried that I've got a knife, wouldn't you? You're right, you're right, but I'm not South Korea. Yeah.

I'm here, all safe. Do you want me to be an astronaut or do I fuck off to the moon? I don't know, I'm just thinking who's got the... Oh, fucking hell, you'll never make an astronaut. I've seen you... I've heard you breathing while editing. Ten, nine... You can't breathe

in a spaceship, it's against the law. Right. Okay. Dog groomer, what do you want? Pick a job. Pick a job. Out of them, I think, what would I be best at

Probably F1 driver Shock But that's not necessarily The one I'd want to do Dog grooming's quite fun Is it Yeah giving dogs haircuts Have you done it

Haircuts No but it looks it Have you never You've had dogs All day and be like yeah Hair buster I think you You're the fucking afro kid Two scissors No, but it looks it. It's loaded with dogs. You've had dogs all day and been like, yeah. Yeah, buster. I think you've been a fucking Afro kid.

Two scissors. Two scissors at the same time. Buster. Fucking hell. I would be nervous dropping my dog, the family dog. We all love fucking little Benji. And then Adam comes with the Edward Scissorhands. Yeah, like fucking two members of staff.

Give you an Afro. Fucking hell. Circumcise your dog And it's dead Shit What are you picking Dan? I think I'm giving a Labrador on my weekend Be great Dan

I can't disagree Translated for North Korea Feels Like I might not Be good at that Just because I can't speak Korean. Yep. So I think when I first tried...

You'd pick it up. I don't know if... Hang on, they wouldn't know though because they don't speak it. You could just make it up. Yeah, so you're at the UN or somewhere and they've just flashed a big nuclear weapon. It's an important translator, that. You're in your little booth and they're all in the headphones.

So he starts speaking Korean. And I have to blag it and be like, oh, yeah, he's mad, man. He's just fucking been pulled over by the fucking pigs. He says, go on, mate. Stab me, lad. Lad, stab me. Stab me, lad.

That's what he said. they're going oh wow okay no oh so the translator for north korea is like you're at the un and kim jong whatever his name is is fucking talking all fucking ham and that and you've got to let everyone know what he's saying yeah but you don't have to translate back to him right okay oh now it's easier now it's easier isn't it yeah yeah you don't need to speak Korean You just make it up Yeah All you need to learn All you need to learn in Korean

Is hello And I love you lad Because then he's Sam Isn't he Because he just wants everyone to love him So you were like What's up And he's like

It was just a matter of time Before someone tried it What the Love you lad That's how I love you, lad, in Korean. Korean. Korean. Korean.

H-I-J-K. Keep talking. Yeah, go on. He's got Korean. Hello. Hello. Hello. Go for that, Adam.

Player. That is pretty much what I said before. Annyeonghaseyo. Annyeonghaseyo. that's when you're pissed hello and you're sorry and i love you no i love you lad oh i love you lad oh let's just go i love you i'm sorry and you're saying oh my god back on the end of that. Fucking lads are mouthful, innit? Hang on. So I love you is... And I love you lad is... So just put hello. Just put hello, I love you.

Oh, yes. So that's what That's all you're going to say Kim Jong-un is like And what did they say And you're like Hello I love you No

That's how you de-escalate You're not understanding what I'm saying So when I get to the UN And they go Kim lad This is your translator Right He's going to be like

Kim lad Is this guy even? It's the guy who seats everyone at the UN. He's from Toxteth. Lad, hey, Kim, know fucking about this. Get the fucking headphones on. Sit down. So like, this is your translator.

Kim's going to be like, does he even speak Korean? I need some evidence. And I'll just go, and he'll be like, oh, nice one. And then he'll start speaking Korean And I'll just go And he'll be like Oh Nice one And then he'll start speaking Korean And I can just translate And I can literally calm everything

Nice and down can't I He's like And you're just like Yeah everything sounds Just chill out Not gonna shoot no one I'll smash everyone's head in I'll smash everyone's head in

It doesn't sound like a threat does it no that's like a question because I don't think Google Translate has an audio function for threatening people in it

come on Google working out he's like yeah I want to smash everyone's head in the west and he's like Adam's like yeah it's laughing

sweet no problem love yous all have a good one let's all be friends yeah let's just be no problem love yous all have a good one let's all be friends yeah let's just be friends everyone in the UN is like

it's really weird Kim Jong Un's just said buy your tickets for have a word live at the Liverpool Arena wow apparently they've just hit 12,000 patrons

wow do you know what's really funny he's a lid do you know when we teased the arena announcement and like oh the announcement's coming so many people were guessing what it is and two people messaged me just two saying is it

that you're performing at the echo arena and i said no to both of them because it's not called that anymore the m&s m&s bank arena so up your bollocks good chat to everyone who tweeted at it going is it probably a december live show at the arena and I nearly liked it and then thought nah cool keeping it the amount of people who were wildly

inaccurate with it were like oh my god it's going to be a lock in that would be the biggest announcement in the history of it in December doing a lock in

is Dan finally transitioning maybe Ian Lewis says assuming the modern Olympics were done nude

like the ancient Olympics, which would be the worst discipline to watch? And that can include the Winter Olympics. That's ridiculous. You can't do the Winter Olympics naked. Pommel horse. The pommel horse? Yep.

The javelin. If you've got big dangly bollocks, the pommel horse is a real problem, isn't it? Popping them. Pole vault. You're seeing up the bum hole there, aren't you? Alderting. What's he saying?

Javelin? Yeah, because then you've got such a direct comparison between the size of your javelin and the size of your car. Yeah. That's what everyone's thinking, is you're throwing a massive spear 80 metres in the air, like, fucking hell, that javelin was bigger than his dick. He's just broken the world record.

Couldn't give a shit. Little non-javelin dick fucking weirdo. The pommel horse would honestly be an empty stadium for it because you are just going, Gooch, bumble, bumble, Gooch. Gooch, bumble, bumble. It's like, how many times can you flash your own solo Gooch? Gooch, bumble. That's the coach and gooch? Gooch, bumhole. That's the coach.

Gooch, bumhole, bumhole, gooch, gooch, gooch. Cock, cock, cock, cock, balls. Cock, cock, balls, bumhole, gooch. Adam's mad Christmas. Did you just try and make the Olympics into a fucking musical? Gooch, gooch, bumhole, gooch, gooch, bumhole. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. The Olympics, the musical.

Shoot me in both of my eyes. What else is there? Pummel horse. Or the Winter Olympics if you had to be naked. Deluge. Oh, my God. Deluge. 100 mile an hour cock.

Toboggan run. My dick would be so far up inside me, it would be fine. It would be already in as soon as I was getting on the luge. My dick would be like far up inside me It would be fine It would be already in As soon as I As I was getting on the luge My dick would be like No thank you Bye bye I'll see you in April

Motherfucker Speed skating would be good as well Speed skating? Yeah With his dick And you cut someone's cock off At the end of your fucking blaze He's fucking

Flapping on the Oh and the That would be the best The curling You could just do it with Adam's dick do the cleaners have to have it out though

cleaners they are cleaners aren't they just competitive mopping that's all they're doing yeah like when the Olympics are not on those people

mop floors for the living what little hoover you still love working on a bar and mopping at the end of the night could have been a great hurling I enjoy a mop

at the end of the night when you have been a great hurling. I enjoy a mop. At the end of the night, when you'd had some like, soft, I was like, eh, it'd be shit. I was like,

get, loved it. A ladies mop. Went fast. I could have made a great, Kaelin's the best. Naked Kaelin. We used to all hate mopping in the bar.

It used to be whoever made the least amount of tips had to mop. Because it's the last job, isn't it? There's only one person doing it everyone else finishes that's why

everyone else finishes and sat down with a pint yeah I was never doing it never working on my own can't remember working on my own just like I like to be done properly

but it's transferable skills what's the best sport naked that would help like what's what would being naked help most? I mean, wrestling. Because if you were homophobic, you're out, aren't you?

So basically, it's just bisexual people fucking nailing it. Like, go on, grip me. Whoa, whoa, whoa. And also, you can get a hard-on and use it to fucking knock them out. You've got a big enough dick. In wrestling? Yeah. The old dick knockout.

Like the spinning elbow? It's the spinning cock it's a disqualification says who the cock's not the rules of wrestling you're not allowed to strike oh

I didn't know that right then well it's because it's wrestling innit you choke them out with your dick you wrap your dick around their neck and just re-enake a choke with your cock

is there is there chokes in wrestling is there brings a whole new meaning to re-enake a choke because you're behind them naked choking them

would you cough thanks for the VAR on that joke tennis would be funny as well all sports would be better naked just saying

it'll be worse do you reckon yeah I'm glad people wear clothes darts I think would be pretty stressful oh Phil Taylor with his ar yeah I'm glad people wear clothes darts I think would be pretty stressful oh Phil Taylor

with his arse I'm a snooker everyone in the alley polly like I don't think I ever want to picture Raymond

from Barclays as an arsehole who who that's a real on that one. Take two. Hey.

I don't think I ever want to pitch it. Raymond Van Barnabels. Oh, there you go. Asshole. I don't think you have to. Fucking hell. But I am now. Imagine the snooker.

Imagine the leg target. What about Raymond Van De Hernderhernder? And your legs on the table. What? Oh my God, yeah. Have a gooch out. Oh, that'd be a gonder? And your legs on the table. What? Oh my God, yeah. I'll put Gooch out. Oh, that'd be a Gooch out. The fella with the gloves.

How much do you lean over in snooker? That's a real arch of the back, isn't it? There's no rest. The rest's broke. You've got to lean over a long red. You've got to put your cock in the pocket. It's in my way, that. The cock, I didn't call it.

And the man with the gloves comes over and polishes your bollocks what are you doing what about UFC naked basically I'm naked I would tune in to see Francis Ngannou fight or if they change the rules of snooker

do you know like when when you've snookered someone in snooker and they fail to hit the red and they have to put the ball back right where it was imagine if they change it so you have to put your cock

exactly where it was as well you've got a little fellow with a glove on just moving millimetre by millimetre your cock hang on they do that don't they

they do that to get the camera sorry there's a pube out of place I'd imagine if like to win like do you have your luge like bare arse put your bollocks over the cushion

and someone smacks the white head in why would you say that genuinely just gave me a pain in me left hand that's not snooker. That's just BDSM, isn't it? Yeah, we'll mix them.

Yeah. I bet you're into some fucking dirty stuff, you. I want to go with the snooker doll, mate. Take Seneca down the fucking pool hall. Booked it out. Happy birthday. American pool as well. Table's a bigger.

Bigger balls as well, you dirtbag. Oh, yes. Pop it like it's hot. What would the UFC be like naked? Anyone? Same as a wrestler, I think. I'd like to go and see Francis Ngannou. What about you?

Put you on some penis. He's probably got a big willy on him. Would you be allowed to wear the gloves? Oh, I suppose not. You're naked, aren't you? Yeah. Some of the bare knuckle... I see a lot of bare knuckle boxing videos come up

and I'm like, aye, how popular is that getting? Is that really just, I'm just seeing it on the internet. Yeah, you're just seeing it. But it's more, it is, like, it looks really well produced. It's just a scrap, innit?

No, but it's, now their production values are way up. Yeah, but not in countries, it's like, that's in like Russia and stuff. That's not in like, No. In the UK. No, I think it's,

it's honestly getting more, I think it's honestly getting more... I think it's America. Really, yeah? Rough and Rowdy, is that one? It's a porno, though. Bernacle Boxing. Yeah. Yeah, do you look?

Do you all look? BKFC? Jesus Christ. No, that's not for me, that. Also known as Fisty Cuffs. It's not what they're branding it

as though, is it? Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship aka Fisty Cuffs. Or illegal boxing. Classical

Puglism. Pugilism. Sorry, Susie Cunt. I'm a pugilator. Oh, come on, Dan,

do the voice. Come on. I just love Pugilism. Sorry, Susie cunt. I'm a pugilator. Oh, come on, Dan, do the voice. Come on. I just love pugilism. Pug life, motherfucker. Dan, do the voice. You've been punched so many times. Do the voice. Of what?

Chris Eubanks saying I'm a pugilator. I can't do it. You've done it before. Have I? I'm a pugilator. Is that Mini Mike Tyson? I'm a pugilator. I'm a pugilator. I'm a pugilator. You have done it before. He's not on the pod mike tyson and chris eubank always have their lisp so has that been fucking knocked into them

um chris eubank come out of the fucking womb you're like mother i want some Cheerios by the way by the way i seen a tweet last night there are literally some times in the pub where i'm like i don't know what you want i don't know i feel like i don't know what you want i seen a tweet last night that really made me laugh you know just a stupid joke so male honeybees will often die immediately after having sex so their life cycle is literally honey nut cheerio and honestly i laughed about 10 minutes that's good though when you do a joke and carl goes it's good dad it's good that's like on Joe Rogan when he goes

that's hilarious you've not laughed Joe I do it at his shows if he does a joke that I've not heard before I go yeah that's good that's literally my reaction

techers yeah yeah because you know the game I mean I had a massage last night you know oh we did I definitely accidentally ticked Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

for the first half I thought I booked a full body massage turned out I booked half Brazilian Jiu Jitsu half massage first half I thought I booked a full body massage turned out I booked half Brazilian Jiu Jitsu half massage she beat the shit out of me

and then healed me she went hard and then softened up yeah did she do your glutes is that your bum oh she did yeah

she had a good little rummage on my ass like on the glutes yeah yeah she was scouse as fuck as well

and she was like talking to me i've never had a scouse massage yeah same what she went to me she i'm not even messing she went have you been working out i went no she went have you been in the gym i went not today and she went your legs are solid yeah my wife said to me do you want to fuck me now and i was like i can't i'm tired she's like no but like fuck me do you want to fuck me i your fit you and I was like I can't I'm tired she's like no but like fuck me do you want to fuck me you're fit you and I was like mine actually happened

by the way I don't know if it's dead did you not he had his Lancaster holiday in do you know what I struggle with myself how do you

when you have an imagination wank how how many people are going Adam Adam I love you Adam

you're the best person ever and I'd love to suck your big dick. La, la, la. Best cock ever. Like, is there any, like, women with the tits out and you fuck, in your imagination, is there just a plane flying over with the thing behind going, Adam is amazing.

My imagination ones are very intimate and subtle, to be honest with you. They don't sound like they would be. But they are, though. It's just me and one woman in a closed bedroom like there's no one else in the world i i never fuck with an open door but the house is empty just close the door my imagination fantasies curtains closed every it's just really low light night night time and she's like just her head's in here and we're just really slow fucking. You're choking her out. Her head's in here?

She's on top of me. Like they were winding a baby. It looks like you were choking her out. She's young. It's a baby goat. That's disgusting. No, it's just a woman. What are you doing?

What are you doing? Oi, audio listeners, where are you at? You need to come and see this. Yeah, I've just got a woman. I've got a tiny little woman. I'm a little midget woman and the door is closed so I can't fucking step on you as you run out onto the landing. You're my little magic lady woman.

You're only eight inches smaller than me dick. You know what I mean? No, I don't. I don't want to take your bitching head. Terrible. It's a rear naked choke. So she's on top of me. Yeah.

And her body's here. And her head. Big shoulders, this girl. She's here. And she's been doing upper body. Lovely V. She's Arnold Schwarzenegger. And I'm like,

come here, love. I'm going to make you miniature with my magic wank fantasy mind. And now you're little Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, I've killed you because you were smaller than my dick. La, la, la, la, la. Adam's wank.

You're making it sound silly. You're right. She nestles her head on me neck and we just slow fuck. Slow fuck. Erotic fiction. Is the door closed? Close the door.

We slow fuck. And then at one point, we look out the window and the sun's coming up. And we're like, wow, we've been going all night. Slow fucking. Yeah.

Oh, fucking. What a stupid bit. Of a fucking wank fantasy. You actually caught me there. And they keep having the fantasy. No one in the history of wank fantasies has ever jizzed. They go, need to tie this one off. Let's close this one down.

No, that's not true. I need closure on all my wank fantasies. You've jizzed. You've not even, there's still jizz on your belly. And you're like, look, look out the window. We've been going all night. No, no, no. And scene.

No, no, no. That is still jawing the fantasy. The sun comes up. I haven't come yet. And, no, no. And scene. No, no, no. That is still Jordan the fantasy. The sun comes up. I haven't come yet. And we're still going. And then she looks out and there's a moment where we both appreciate life. Oh, God. I've got to get the train to work.

Fuck so long. Within your wank fantasy, she's got to ring the boss and be like, I'm going to be late for work. Yeah. Yeah. You'll have to take a half day. But luckily, you're on flexi time. Very specific.

She's like, actually, I'm out of holiday for this calendar year. You'll have to take a sick day. That will count as a strike against my record. Oh, yeah. to take a sick day. That will count as a strike against my record. Oh, we kept fucking until there was kids going to school. Oh, no. That'd go weird. But sometimes when I finish...

Oh, my God, she's getting smaller. Oh, my God. She's so small. Just blows it away. Oh, yeah. Cheers. Do you never tie off your fantasies, though? Benjamin buttoned her.

After you've finished? No. You don't? I just... So you finish and you just stop playing the movie? No, I ask her to leave in a really polite way. Go on, then. I'm just, like, I've, you know, I've i've finished yeah i'm waiting to do the cleanup yeah and then i'm just like you're right love

um do you want me to walk you down she's like no i'll be all right where are you on the hill oh right see you later then see catch you next time when does it end when's the one can end are you still wanking like oh god yeah I'm saying goodbye and being so polite see you then look after yourself oh by the way

how's your brother doing is he alright after his fall alright well give him my love so detailed oh shit the poster's come

all bills the bills you can keep them very detailed yeah when you're getting a massage I don't

do you give feedback what do you mean I would struggle to not give feedback give encouragement does she not do the numbers thing Theresa

my masseuse Theresa May Theresa May does mine but she's not the prime thing? Theresa, my masseuse. Theresa May. Theresa May does mine. But she's not the prime minister anymore. She's just a backbench MP. She does sports massage on the side. In Hull, in Chester.

She's weird. I'd love if that was true. She goes, if it's too... No, she asks, she's like, if I'm pressing too hard just tell me she does she's like eight is the point where

if you get to eight I'll go back to seven right no I don't mean that when you're like nine nine no like when you're talking to someone and you nod and you go yeah

or like when you go good food and you go oh that's nice you're lying there in silence feeling like oh no it was good I'm not lying there in silence I make sort of like moany noises oh are you moaning

oh that's illegal that's illegal no it isn't that's proper Deshaun Watson that's not allowed hang on

as she's rubbing you you're going making moaning no you get thrown out go ahead oh you can say go ahead oh yeah go on

do that bit again go on up a bit further up a bit further what Up a bit further? What, from here? Oh, go on, do the neck, you dirty girl. She did do me neck last night. And me scalp.

How good's that? All right. Scalp massage. Are you lying then, Sans, really? Or are you moaning? What? I feel like going every now and again. By the way, this is good.

Do you not talk to them? No. All right, me and Teresa are a team. I'm just giving encouragement encouragement i'm just like go ahead yeah that's a good bit do that again oh all right oh are you doing all right yeah yeah all right all right do you ever shut the fuck up or um you're doing an arm i fell asleep yesterday and i only know that because i heard myself snore and woke myself up nice yeah and i don't know how long i've been asleep for the whole place was closed down and no one was touching it

what here is it how long I'd been asleep for. The whole place was closed down and no one was touching you. What's here, is it? Amazing. I learned so much about you. Yeah, I give a bit of like, ooh, a bit less there, love, because me shoulders a bit. I don't mean that,

I mean positive encouragement, like, oh yeah, it's good, that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it very, making it sound like it's creeping towards like, go on. Oh yeah. No, but I feel like, because you always give positive reinforcement

to something you like in every facet of life, except for the massage. I'm just saying it feels a bit awkward. No, I do. I'm like, oh. Yeah, do that again. Right, do it again.

Faster. Harder. Fuck me. Too far. Fuck me. Till far. Fuck me. Till you're late for work. Till the sun comes up. I don't mind paying extra.

Oh dear. That's been fun, hasn't it? I wonder if we'll do that at the arena. Live massage. Can't wait. Just lost us about a thousand ticket sales. Let's have a break. Wag wag lids.

Hope you're enjoying today's patron exclusive. We've got some new merch that you can see over my boobie. Is this real? This is an add this. Oh, for the merch. For the merch that you're wearing. Get one of these ones. But when you buy it, get one that fits you.

They come in different sizes, but I would definitely maybe order one size up, unless you want to feel like it's a Tammy Girl starter bra. Haveawaredpod.com is where you get the merch from, and it'll save you wearing that pile of shite that you're wearing at the minute. We just said don't be doing the mean thing. You look like a fucking pedo. Get some merch. But he can't help himself.

But look at them. Look through the camera at the fucking scruffy twat on the other side of it. I like you. I think you look good. Fucking pathetic. But you'll look better in Have A Word Pod merch. That's what I was saying, just in a more polite way. And that's here.

Because Carlo put the graphic in. HaveAWawaypod.com if you can't read. Get on me. Part three. Welcome back to the Hathaway... What?

I love it. I love it when you do the... Jason Manfredier! Thank you very much for coming down. Gave him a chance. Gave him a chance. You know, said Said come on lad

We'll break you We'll break you We've done a lot for Jamie Hutchinson This is your chance kid Oh pleasure Pleasure to do it How are you? I'm well actually yeah

Just getting back onto this Touring Trying to do the gigs And yeah I'm still suffering Post lockdown I think You know just the mental forced time off that we all had getting back into it and getting out there

and I think, I don't know if you noticed it, when you first got back people have not been to any gigs, so they're laughing on another level. But they're all so feral. Oh yeah, they are feral. There's a lot more heckling I've seen and it's like, look I know you haven't been out for two years but But it's like, look, I know you haven't been out for two years, but...

Yeah. But it's weird because at home, they were doing their own measures. So you'd think they could handle the drinks. When they got back to proper measures, they'd be like, there's nothing in that. But, like, I did Manchester Apollo. You know the thing where you... I don't know about you, but when I'm on stage,

sometimes I have a little nosy, like, things are going on. Especially in the bigger venues. Like arenas, people don a fuck no one's yeah no one's sat for two hours like giving it that they get up they go for a drink you know and you can't be giving it where are you going like you can in a 400 so um at the at the apollo this guy i can see a kerfuffle at the back i'm trying to do my show but i'm also i'm one of those people i love i can't fight so i fucking love a fight when people are fucking fighting in the street

you want to be on the stage with a mic commentating on the fight you know when you're watching football and the players start fighting and the commentator says we don't want to see this

in the game I fucking do I love it absolutely I love it because I can't fight so I just I enjoy watching it

so anyway I'm doing the show and you've got those like two parts of your brain aren't you you stand up you've got the show and then you've got

this sort of thing just on it you know waiting for someone to the show and then you've got this sort of thing just on it you know waiting for someone to say something and then I can just see windmill arms and I can see like

at your gig my gig if you're kicking off at a Jason Manford show comedy is not for you and absolute bear pit in Shrewsbury

exactly exactly people you know people have just obviously someone's seen me on Lorraine someone's seen me on a Royal Variety show absolute bear pit in Shrewsbury exactly people you know people have just obviously someone's seen me on Lorraine

someone's seen me on the Royal Variety Show and they don't get on those people and turf war but ain't a twat you fucking said

when I'm on the day so I can see it's going off at the back and the security at the Apollo they don't fuck about you know they're used to

like mosh pits and all that so this guy apparently I just see the doors open and afterwards I go to head of security I say what

because I'm so nosy I'm like what happened he said oh this bloke was on his phone actually on his phone making a phone call not just like

a cheeky text actually giving a yeah yeah I'm on Jason Wanficky and he goes can you turn your phone off and he goes fuck off

to the security and they don't give you a second chance at the Apollo. It's just like four of them moving, pins of movement. He's out the door, gone, shoes left. Like he's actually out of his shoes and he's out the door. And then he said, but he was scared because then there was a moment where the wife got up, she picked his shoes up and she'd come sort of, little sulfur dead on her.

You know, she's sort of like wandering around. And she goes, and he thought, she's sort of like wondering all that and she goes and he thought she's going to thump me you know head of security like 8 foot and she's like I'm going to get

thumped by this woman and as she comes over she goes we never got to see the end of Michael McIntyre Eva yeah your partner

is not made for live comedy in it that's a problem with the Apollo as well. She's like, twice we've been here and twice we've been kicked out and it's nothing to do with our behaviour.

Tell you what I've noticed. I had this at all three shows in London at the weekend. I think people who haven't been out for a while have lost the concept of rhetorical performance performance so the way i present a lot of my stand-up is i'm posing a question but just in case you're coming to one of the tour shows i've written the answers yeah don't worry about it like i've trust me i know what they are i know where i'm going with it i know what both answers the question the awkward silence if you don't join in. But people are like, I know, I know. Hands up!

Hands up! Pick me! Adam! Some woman put her hand up in the middle of the show and said, can I get a photo with you after the show? And I was like, I mean, yeah. That's bad dum-dum that. But not, like, it's a weird time to bring it up. I have the, what I have in my shows is,

I think because I'm quite friendly and nice bloke, I guess, you know, and I've that sort of, I mean, real life but you know on stage um is that people forget that we're not actually friends in real life and so i have the same thing where i'll say things and i'll just hear someone go he does that he does that all the time yeah i know it's an observation but it's lovely in a way, you know. Yeah. Just agree in your head.

Yeah, that's good. This woman three times answered a question that she assumed I was asking. Oh God. Not to an audience

of 400 people. She's like, he's talking to me. I'm here. I know the answer. So I should help him out. This is a massive minority of people,

especially with our pod as well, because we're talking about stand up and people are constantly emailing going, are you getting me into comedy more and more? And especially club comedy. And like, not only do most of our lot know what's going on, like we've also let them know what we prefer and anything. I think they're like getting it even more.

It's just that minority. We're like, I don't care about any of that. I like Adam. Adam! No. I love that moment. I did last night at the Apollo actually, even more it's just that minority were like yeah i don't care about any of that i like adam adam no i love that moment i did last night at the apollo actually where i don't know about you but i nine times out of ten if somebody heckles like aggressive loud most of the time i think maybe because i'm a dad now i'm able just to carry on talking irrespective what noise is going on around

me but every so often if the timing's right you know there's nothing you can do you've got to react but i do that thing where you you know you go sorry what was that and then they have to do it a second time that's my favorite because they've built up that first one like last night somebody shouted out i was talking about underfloor heating it just came out fuming i mean the lorraine kelly fans will boot right off about that it's not even part of me say it just popped into me i thought this is this i've got something funny about this basically we've got cats during lockdown

and they're indoor cats so we've got this problem with underfloor heating which is because we've got a box of cat shit in the corner of the kitchen sorry can I can we just

reverse the truck just for a second whatever you want you've got indoor cats oh mate they're not allowed outdoors are cats pretty much indoors he goes in the garden

and then comes back he doesn't wander the street these aren't rescue cats are they these are like nice cats yeah yeah yeah my wife cats i wanted a dog wife what a cat so you know compromised she was like oh they're always inside they never go out but obviously now we've got a box of cat shit in the corner of the kitchen all of the time and we've got this wonderful heating that you can't turn on because obviously got slowly simmering cat poop just in the corner so it's a real first world problem i think with the the working class fan base you've

amassed yeah it might be quite hard to get sympathy from your audience to be like surprised me underfloor heating's making me i smell like shite middle of winter get your fucking show cats in the garden the first time they're like oh my god what's this it's freezing and windy get them out do them good well i might start doing that yeah i'll say you told me i love that just catch me run over it's down that girl's fault are they that pricey they're like what's this coming towards me ow do you ever take them for a walk? I've seen people walking their cats.

No, that's weird. Serica wants to walk Toulouse. What? Serica wants to walk our cat. No, I think it looks weird. I don't think cats look like they like it either. No, they don't want to be walked. They want to go and lie down where you're not.

Yeah. At all times. Yeah, totally. Cats hate us, don't they? Cats are like inconvenienced by humans. It's a cat's world and we're in the way. These cats love him. They're like,

Jason, the heating's too high. Turn it down. Another cushion, Jason. That's exactly what I'm like. Well, it's just people who feed them. That's it. What? We just feed them

and then they go and do their own thing. Isn't there like an old, I don't know if it's a myth or whatever, but isn't there a thing where they say if you died in your house, a dog would lie down next to you and die alongside you. Just that solidarity. Whereas a cat would eat your face.

Socrates, you said that. Is it? I thought so, yeah. Socrates. Cat will sell you belongings. Yeah, exactly. And then go and put the eating on itself. Yeah, yeah. And turn up.

The coroner turns up, the cat's like, fucking hell, terrible. turn up the coroner turns up the cat's like fucking hell terrible it was like that

when I found him mate nothing to do with me I live here he was eating his face it's my house now mate I ate his face after he died

it was after the event it wasn't a face it was a death we've been discussing in the first half of today's show uh we've booked an arena show yeah it's nice to have you in on the day we've done that because you are and have been for a while an arena comic what is your advice on that because it's a big old space to fill with and

you've got to fill it somehow it is a big space um there's a certain like demographic of people who arenas are a slight switch off they're like not but they're they're older they're basically older than me sort of 40 plus you know they're a bit like it's not part it was what how they grew up nobody went to an arena when we were kids but now they're just part of that's just what you go and what you're going to see stuff in yeah so they are part of it i think my my tip is to the way it's different to a theater show i personally i think is that your theater show starts at 7 30 or whatever eight o'clock and then you come on you do your bit then there's a break then you come and do your second half whereas an arena show starts

when they turn up so at six o'clock or six thirty whatever it is they're starting to turn up like i have when i do the arena i have like a d like a wedding dj or whatever just doing requests and stuff like in the room and and then we go into a sort of um oh yeah you can have this bongo yeah you go into that go into um you know then the sort of start of the show starts then there's and even in the interval dj stays on is that just because there's so many people it's too much on to switch it on and off because when we're at the theater they're always like can't we're just gonna have to hold it back because there's like 110 people at the bar I suppose in the

arena when they're like there's 1400 people at the bar and they will still be in the bar even when you start your

gig because some people are coming out it's like an event that's on you know just sort of there and they're also there and that's

fine it's like an indoor festival the size of it it's got that vibe hasn't it it's massive but it's not

it's kind of weird. I mean, I don't know if you count on heckles or people joining in and stuff like that, but that's gone. That won't be happening. You know, so if you're like, anyone done this? Yeah, I know. Oh, my car's parked closer than where you're sat.

Well, we're going to get Steve to be our show manager for the night. He's going to be running around the arena with a microphone like that woman right up at the back Steve yeah he's a scooter

top tier 65,000 steps good lad yeah when you get there he's like I forgot do you have to slow it down

do you have to play it bigger what do you do yeah there's an element of that but you just work it you know you've been doing it so long

you can play any room so you work it out straight away once an element of that but you just work it, you know, you've been doing it so long you can play any room so you work it out straight away once you're in there but I think with anything, certainly when it comes to theatres, anything longer

than your 20 minute club set, it's long form comedy, you know, it's putting a pause in and a break in and for me, I always say, like when someone

comes on to support when I'm on tour, I say, and it's the first time they've done it, I go, don't don't rush it

you're not doing a club set here no one's going to interrupt you in a gap or a silence and call you call you a twat or whatever

it's not going to happen so just take your time you know so but you know you'll be fine you're fucking we got a question in the first section

from a guy who's getting in like I said getting into stand-up because of us and went to see Adam at the stand in Edinburgh, which is one of the more intimate comedy clubs,

isn't it? And everyone was right under the nose of Adam and that's how it is at the stand. Right now, if I ask you tonight, let's just book a gig, where is your absolute favourite gig? Is there a type of gig

or is there a specific gig? Do you love the big rooms because you get to showboat or is there a particular type of small love the big rooms because you get to show showboat or is there a particular type of small room that just does it for you just before you answer on this i love this question i sort of the way i i ask that question to comics who can sort of sell tickets to any sort of size is where do you think you are at your peak yeah for example dave chappelle says his peak is 200. Right. He's like, in front of 200 people, I'm at my best.

He's like, I can do the arenas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 10, 20,000 people sometimes in the big states in America. But he feels he's at his absolute best as a comic in an improv full of 200 people. Right, wow. So what would you say is your optimum? What's your happy place? I mean, obviously, I was at Apollo last night,

and they said, you know, being in your hometown and just the energy that sort of creates. And what's that, about 2,000? That's about 2,500, I think, which is... So that's good. And those venues are nice because they're intimate, even though they're massive. Yeah.

They've designed in such a way that they just feel like, you know, you'll find it tonight. You know, you just find that sort of moment where they're just there, you know, with you, and the sides come right here and stuff. quite like as much as i like playing the big towns and the palladiums like that actually in london london palladium is very well designed and that's on three floors four floors in fact but they just they're just here is it the old victorian style of like yeah yeah i think it's like more like a wall rather than raking back

yes it's like that in one and the sound is just, you know, the sound's great. You can feel them, they're so close to you, you know. And also there's an event feel to those venues. You know, if you're going to the Palladium or the Apollo, it feels like a moment, you know. The Manchester Apollo, I've only ever done it once before with Bill Bear, and it was electric. And I remember watching him that night going,

he'll be gutted he hasn't filmed this one because it was that good and Manchester as much as and I remember in some of your early stand up you talked about

sort of the rivalry between Manchester and Liverpool and obviously I have to touch on it every now and then in Manchester for there to be a rivalry between Manchester

and Liverpool other than Liverpool maybe Newcastle and Glasgow I think Manchester's probably my favourite place to gig Well I have a same feeling about Liverpool as well and I actually think

and I used to say this as a line I'd say the thing about rivalries between cities is over a certain IQ level it's actually a bit of a laugh under it someone's going to get hurt and that's basically what it is it's an intelligence thing isn't it you know what i mean so and i think people who are coming to comedy are great and i love playing liverpool for that

same reason because you can you can just right be on the right on the edge of sort of taking a piss and having a bit of fun without anyone being an arsehole you know and yeah taking it seriously i actually quite like in manchester when i get booed straight away for the accent. Yeah, totally. Because it's like, well, we can have some fun with this now. Yeah, exactly. But as far as like favourite gigs, I don't think I have a certain number. You know, actually that one we did in Shrewsbury is a lovely, you know, venue. So I have nice ones like that.

I love playing. Theatre 7. That was the first time I've played the big room. I've been comparing the 250 seater for years and then you got me into support. I think we talked about it at the time, but Jason does the soundest thing you can do, which is unlike most comics of basically you go on,

you did 15, which is like the perfect amount of time, and then told a story about when you were doing support for someone and then were like, and this guy's a mate of mine and you'll love him and you walk out to do your 20 minutes and they're like yeah like so you warm them up for me and then gone and this guy's a really great comic and he's a mate and supporting you're like you almost give them the insight into what it's like to be a support act i've never walked out to an easier support of a famous comic they were like yay so many like it's a warm-up for the warm-up i'm a fucking mug that's what i am yeah i haven't been doing that on my tour i'll be like can you just go fucking warm all them up please and get them ready so you must have been on the phone to john bishop because he was on

the tour at the same time as you and you were both trying i think it was basically job creation you were both trying to get everyone who was coming out of the lockdowns a bit of work yeah and john had obviously spoken to you i know your mates and he'd gone yeah nice one i'll compare and then bring someone on and i i i supported for him in and around the same time i did it with you in shrewsbury and then about three months later first time he went on warmed him up was dead sound got me on i fucking hoofed it and the the next time he shoot he was like yeah i'll just be off stage going all right everyone uh welcome to bradford uh here's this twat get on with it when you're doing 200 and odd days i imagine there's a point where you think fuck this

you know yeah but i actually like it you know i actually like going out and doing that bit beforehand as well because it feels like a bit less pressure i don't go on to any you know pomp and ceremony i literally just wander on um it's got its drawbacks though hasn't it because i seen a comment you got the other day that made me fucking piss myself laughing i don't know whether you're seeing this no so a guy commented on his thing saying fucking shite you all you did was 10 minutes about the last two years and then you brought some other cunt on. We didn't watch them. We left. Oh. Oh.

They thought that was the show. That was the show? There is then a break, and you do an hour and ten? I thought, I wonder if he goes to the cinema, and goes, it was just a load of clips of other films.

It wasn't even, I didn't even see Batman. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Don't do drugs, kids. I mean, it was so great. You can't, you know, there's nothing you can do about stupidity, but it was, as soon as I did it, I just thought,

that's got to go online. I know some comics will get an absolute buzz out of it. So funny. Did you get support when you were coming up? Who were you? Because you started, because this is weird, because we sort of started at a similar time, except it was after you'd been to uni.

So did you start when you were about 17 or 16? I started at 17. And then did stand up and were like, you were on at the Frog with Peter Kay and all that. And then did you go to uni and then come back from that? I sort of carried on while I was at uni. Right. But not obviously you've got stuff to do so uh in the day and that so i was doing the odd gigs here and there so but yeah i started in 1998 when i first that's when i did my first ever gig and that was which is like one of these stories now that has become sounds apocryphal but it's true where i was just working at a comedy club in charlton buzz comedy club and um i used to watch loads of comics mick you know mick ferry and johnny vegas

and joe caulfield all these brilliant comics would go on and rip it and big comics now you know joe brand and steve coogan and people like that would do it as well it was like the best club in the northwest fantastic yes chinese restaurant now and apparently it's very good so I used to watch this and I was has it even been no it's comedy journey

it's too sad too sore hurts too much eating shumai where you saw legends oh yeah so yeah I was working there

and then hang on you got the job no so you got the job because you wanted to be a comedian no

oh no I got a job because my mum said, go and get a fucking job. And I did that thing around your house where you go, where's the nearest place to my house that I could work? So I rang them all.

I said, are you looking for anybody? Wash pots or, you know, sort of clean up and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, come in. So I came in, did a few weddings, couple of funerals, and then they said, oh, we've got a comedy club on a Thursday,

which I didn't even know about. And it was one of those weird places, you find this across the country where and all over the UK I don't know how it happens the roughest bare ass of a pub downstairs

and yet upstairs it's a beautiful delicate comedy club where people are nuanced and listen to that oh they're very clever you know it's weird

and downstairs it's like people with tattoos on the side of his neck with like four women's names and three of them crossed out like you're like

what is this is that are they his exes or is he a murderer they all still eat there the Chinese the tattoos have got more international

so we're there and then sort of again it sounds so like the water boy or something but essentially one night

an act didn't turn up there's two acts coming up from london and uh agraman the the guy human anagram around the club he's he's panicking and i and i said oh i need someone to do 20 minutes like you know no one's around to come and do it and the show's literally about to start i said oh what a nightmare and then the the landlady came out she went jason will do it i said no no i can't he's funny i went i'm funny in the kitchen we're all funny in the kitchen not out there he said i'll give you 70 quid if you'll go and do 20 minutes i said absolutely bearing in mind i'm on 12 pound for the whole night yeah in glasses and then someone off so which way you just quit so um yeah went up and it went all right and then it offered me 70 quid so yeah I went up

and it went alright and it was one of those things that sort of went quite quickly at the roundabout at the same time they were doing the City Life

North West Comedian of the Year Awards and I got off and Aggraman said you should enter that and I said alright I might do and then

so my third gig was the heat my sixth gig was the final and I won and there's a picture of you I think the night you won

in the frog still and it's unbelievable oh is that with Charlie Chuck and Dave is that the night you won it I don't think

that was no because it was somewhere else but it was around that time I think BBC you were like 40% eyebrow it's phenomenal it's phenomenal

you just look so young yeah I know it was mad so I went to uni so as far as support's concerned um yeah i did get a lot i got a lot of support from comics at the time um peter k funnily enough um was one of those acts who i obviously idolized but he's amazing and he um he said to me what you're doing about university or or you know you're doing anything else i said

no no i'm just doing, just going to do this. Stand up now, I'm a stand-up. Northwest comedian of the year. You won that two years ago and I'll just be you. And he was like, no, I'm already me. So, yeah, he was like, well, you know, you should think about what else you want to do. And we had a chat one night.

I remember we were in Fallowfield having a kebab after Excess Malarkeys or whatever it was at the time. Love it. And we were chatting about it. And I said, I didn't get the grades at A-level to be able to get into university. I fucked up really.

So he said, I'll give him a ring. I went to Salford. So he actually rang them. And then a couple of days later, I got a phone call from Salford and they said, oh, are you coming for an audition?

And Peter's vouched for you even though you've not got the right grades to get in oh like media and performance or something what an absolute laugh hey that's starting to knock out some acts though

media and performance yeah Josh Jones and Kiri and like there's becoming a list of like alumni so yeah so really that was a decent but I was doing stand up

at the same time and trying to mix the two first time I ever gigged with you was XS Malarkey and someone was like oh Jason Manfred's on it and I'd been around in Manchester about a year

and hadn't really heard of you and I was like oh cool and he was like oh yeah he's good about your age pretty good I was like

dead cocky I was like I think I'm pretty good so I was like how long you been going dad 10 months so

I think I know what I'm doing I'm not sure have a look at this kid and you were so when are we talking 2002 2003 you're 21

yeah I watched your headline I was like how has he been doing comedy for 20 years you were my age and I honestly watched you going

well I haven't heard of him he's probably done a few gigs you'd been you had 5 years of experience I was blown I was like And I honestly watched you going, well, I haven't heard of him. He's probably done a few gigs. You'd been, you had five years of experience. I was blown away. I was like, how the fuck has this happened? Well, it's weird because you get to a point where you're like, you know,

even 15 years in, 20 years in, and there's men or, you know, women, but men generally who were like older than me by 10, 15 years, who will like come into you for advice on. Oh yeah. Fairly, very strange dynamic. It's weird, isn't it?

So it's quite a weird thing in comedy. And I imagine in every industry, but I can only talk from comedy to any industry I've ever really been in. I started when I was 18. I'm 12 years in now. And every other situation that I would meet a 50 year old man in

or a 40 odd year old man in, the power dynamic is he's my dad's mate. Or he's someone who is slightly younger than me, but works with him. And it's like, you're all right, kid. I'll buy you the pint. Like, that's normally the thing. When you've got someone who's that much older

than you coming to you going, how do I do this? It's such a weird thing to get used to. And I'm used to it now, because it's been going on a long time. Well, I'll tell you a funny thing. So one of the things that you do with stand-up is that a lot of time whether it still happens now but generally if you've got a load of gigs and um a load of people on a gig

the open spot drives yeah the other the other acts you know it's just one of those it's one of the you know you're doing it for petrol money and also you can do 10 yeah essentially you do a 10 minute make the coffee drive the car you can drive you can have 10 so spot. They're the in 10. Yeah, essentially. You do a 10 minute spot. Make the coffee, drive the car. You can drive it. You can have 10. So I get this phone call. Will you come and do this gig in Sheffield? Toby Foster. He said, the open spot's going to pick you up and drive you over.

I said, oh great. I was living with my gran at the time in Wivington. So I come out. I'm like 22 or something. And I come out on the drive and there's a fucking Audi on the driveway. I was like, fucking open spot Audi. And this fella gets out.

It's John Bishop. He's the open spot. And he's driving us over. He was like a, you know, he was a salesman that was still working. At ICI.

Pharmaceutical rep, which was based in this block of this building. Oh, weird. Small world. So yeah, so he was the open spot

and driving us over. I was thinking, this is weird. And it's funny because John says, we talked about it recently, actually, on his show, and he said, it was weird because we did, like, three or four shows together.

And he said, you know, the weird thing about it is I just, I felt like I looked like I was grooming him. Come with me. We're going to Sheffield, Jason. Come with me. Ah going to Sheffield Jason come with me ah these rabbits hello little boy bit of an anomaly though

the massive Audi in it because Bish was like it's his story's almost unheard of I ended up

on that tour I told you about when he was like yeah just get on I was like there's been so many rumours about how much you because I told you about when he was like yeah just get on i was like there's been so many rumors about how much you were because i've heard people going he was earning 300 000 pounds a year yeah like he was earning a lot of money like absolutely top tax band and then doing

open spots so like i i've had lifts off guys and it's usually someone turning up in a fucked up course and be like do you want to die today or get to the gig amazing that he had the full Audi set up and then had to he gave up 80, 90, 100 grand a year

to go yeah let's do comedy that's a big give up innit well it's worked out it's done alright he's got any regrets he has done alright well he never

he never worked to the heath he sat in his helicopter going oh just want to sell drugs again He's got any regrets? He has done alright. Well, he never worked at the Heath. And he sat in his helicopter going, oh, I just want to sell drugs again. Legal ones. Helicopter? What? John Bishop's got a helicopter.

And he might have a helicopter. He might have. His house was so big that when I remember, I don't know what his new one's like, I've not been down, but when he first made it and he moved from Didsbury out into the countryside and he's... When he really made it, like Didsbury's into the countryside and he's when he really made it

like Didsbury's a shit hole I know I know exactly when he got off the mean streets of Didsbury and once he left he went he had this lovely house

which I thought I think was like former like Iranian ambassador or something like that it was one of these big old things

and anyway I'd love to have been in that negotiation John Bishop with an Iranian ambassador I want your house lad so I rang him up

and he said oh yeah come over so I went over and I'm driving up this long driveway and I get to this set of gates and I press the buzzer

and there's no answer so I end up ringing him mobile I said hi mate I said, hi, mate. I said, I'm at the gate. He went, all right, mate. I'm just out the back near the lake.

I fucking picked this out. It took him 20 minutes to walk from the back to the front gate to open it up for us. That was the difference he'd made. Yeah, it was incredible. Patreon.com. Have a word, pod. Papa want a lake. Sign up now lake money fucking lake fund take a pond which do you ever want that if you got super successful do you want like land on a few

chickens and a goat and that so i just want a fucking hot tub at the moment can we just do it in stages what's the goal well i haven't even paid off my wife's car I can't be like well have you bought a lake dickhead you've not paid off the fucking I don't know whether I want land or whether what but you don't

right you don't want to leave West Derby I've left West Derby oh sorry of course you do I'm a city now a city boy you want land no I'm saying I don't know whether I do

city centre land I want a lake I want a fucking Mersey a lake Mersey I'm saying I don't know whether I do. City centre land. I want a lake. What the fucking Mersey? A lake Mersey. I'm next to the lake. It's a river dicker. Where would you go if you're looking for land though? You'd have to go like the lakes.

The Whittle. Oh, go to the Whittle. No, but like you can go like sort of North Liverpool-y way, can't you? Like halfway to Ormscay where it gets all fancy, innit? Like up that way. Yeah, that way. R that way. That way. Rufford. That's weird.

That's near there. Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gary Lineker's house used to be round there when he played for Everton. I guarantee when you get that arena tour finished, like, underfloor heating, indoor cats, I can see it. I can see it all. I can see it.

I can see it. In a year's time, you'll be like, Jason, have you got any tips on indoor cats my cat's massive house that smells of shit near a lake

that's gone rotten my cats won't do anything but swim in a lake and go on me he's a flaw that's all they've got no interest in anything else

don't like roofs don't like grass lakes he's a flaw swimming indoor cats I want the lake to come into my house into a swimming pool

what's the thing you've spent money on and you've you know you've gone for it and then gone oh what have I done here or the thing

you've been embarrassed to spend money on and then admit to your misses oh I've loads of those but at the moment we've got a replica

of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the front lawn we spoke about this before that is a weird little fucking coincidence a replica of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang on the front lawn. We spoke about this before. That is a weird little fucking coincidence. Right. He loves Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. The start of this show, I was talking about how much I love musicals. Yeah.

Really into them. I know you do too. Yeah, yeah. Carl said they're also shite. No, I just don't like people singing what he can say. Yeah. He thinks musicals would be better if they just went. If they just taught them. Yeah. yeah yeah instead of singing for five minutes oh i'm sad and i'm lonely just go i'm

really sad what they say in musical theater is if you can't say it because it's so emotional then you sing it and if you can't sing it you dance i'll love that one yeah you can oh here he is hey lives and breathes media performance from sulfur this one he basically hates all musicals that he didn't see before he was 10 but there's two different kinds of musicals so there's there's the musical where they just fucking sing all the way through and i not like lame is i don't mind lame is your ladies is a great story and great characters but and then there's the other one which is just a play with that's what I don't like when they're talking I'm going to shop

I'm going to shop and then like it turns into a song oh the old go in a shop Olivier winner he's actually abridged it from

before it was I'm going to shop do you want a cup of tea could just say that in a play yeah you're thinking of plays that's right

shitty shitty bang bang got a pass with him though but you that's right shitty shitty bang bang got a pass with him though but you're a big shitty shitty bang bang I was Karatskas Pots for a year so we toured it all over the place

yeah so it was and that's a great show to do yeah it was a right laugh but at the end of the tour finish obviously they're getting rid of all the props

and they're getting rid of the car they're getting rid of everything yeah and I didn't think anything of it because they were

thinking about going back out on tour with it. And then the company that did it was going out of business. So they put them all up. I found it one evening, like, you know, first couple of weeks of lockdown. And I was, like, bored. And I was just on this auction site.

So dangerous. I know. And I just did that. I bid for about eight or nine things just for a bit of fun. Oh, I remember the breakfast-making machine. Yeah, I might buy that. It was, like, 100 quid. And so then I bid for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

and then got an email saying you'd won. I was like, oh, shit. Right, so there's a thing coming this week. It's a car, but not a car you can drive. And it's on your front lawn. And I just thought, do you know what? Let's lean into it. So in the middle of the, yeah, basically the middle of your front lawn and i just thought do you know what let's lean into it so in the middle of the yeah basically the middle of the front i still you clinging onto your working

class roots though in it because the lads you grew up with they've got like fridges and shit and you're like i'm putting something there but it's going to be a replica of a car from a musical that's my way of clinging to me roots there's still something in the garden that doesn't quite belong there. Yeah, it definitely doesn't, but I love it. It's great. I just bought a gorilla to wind my wife up. I really want ornaments in the garden. I've got a really strong pull to just gorillas in the mist

just in my shrubbery in the garden. Is there anything you would buy? Soon as Laura's like, no, we're not getting it, I bought it. Yeah. I'm just hiding it behind like a little shrub. I went on a bit of a trainer's binge as well at one point. Oh, yes.

Yeah, I've got boxes of trainers that I will never wear that I don't even know if they're worth anything, but I just bought them. I sort of got that StockX, you know, on there. Oh, yes.

And I started getting them because they do this thing where they go, you can enter the draw for like an exclusive pair of trainers. So you enter it, and then you win it, and then it costs you 150 quid. You're like, I've not won it then, have I?

You're a lucky winner. So you feel like a winner. You win the right to buy it. But no one ever wins and not buys them, so they've got you by the bollocks. You don't win and go, oh, nah. You go, oh, I'd better buy them then. So yeah, we've got a garage full of trainers

that I don't know what to do with. I've got a lot of trainers. Yeah, it's getting out of hand These are Manchester B Nike Air Force 1's Oh nice There you go Is there any sort of movie prop

That you would buy I'm not wearing shit trainers today Get in I'm always wearing Horrible Cunt Not my opinion These are

Nike hair waffles It's got waffles on You've got waffles I have They're Vapor waffles Psych eyes though Oh yes I didn't realise

We were in Vapor waffles I'll give you a blowjob Literally bought them Thinking The knob heads are like these They are nice They are lovely They go with your jumper.

I'm trying to wear Scout shoes. Don't turn on them. Need some 110s. Yeah, I'll get some 110s. I'll get some 115s. I think Adam's got a question. Oh, sorry, Adam. You've got a question.

I want to know if you'd buy a movie prop or a prop from a show. Because a few years ago, I was doing a gig for a mutual friend of ours, Peter Vincent, up in the North East. Hello, Peter. I think it was Stokesley, maybe.

Love Stokesley. Right. And I'm on with Barry Dodds of Have A Word fame. Had him on the other night, supported me on there. He's great. Great, great actor. He's also a lunatic, which he won't mind me saying.

I hope. He's fine. And he, at the time, was doing the Parapod, still with Ian Boldsworth. And Ian collects Star Wars stuff. Right. And someone had a life-size replica of R2-D2. Okay, yeah.

So he'd asked Barry to go and collect it from this place in hartley pool or nearby at midnight so barry is shitting himself he's like what am i gonna do and he was like adam will you come with me and i was like well i'll go just for the story yeah so we pull up to this place at midnight so you've done the gig and then you've gone to get r2d2 yeah all normal it was from it was on like a big industrial estate i can't explain i'll find a photo on my phone there's a gate that looks like if you go beyond it like you can't complain if you get murdered right right so we get there and barry's like oh i'll ring him so the guy answers the phone and it's like yeah i'll come'll ring him. So the guy answers the phone and he's like, yeah, I'll come and get you.

Right? In that voice? Like that. Are you misremembering it? No, no, no. I'll fucking come and get you. Yeah. Oh, he's a cockney.

He's Ray Winston. He is Ray Winston. Hello, give you a cheeky hacker. Look at these odds. Ian Bouldsworth, bought odds with these. I'll give you five to two on getting fucking murdered.

So he comes and he has to like open the gate with two hands. It's that heavy and old. And he's just doing this, going. And Barry's like, I don't want to drive in. How many hands has he got? What? How many hands has he got? Three.

He stops opening it, does this. And he's on opening it. Good spot there, Karl. Right. Thank you for picking, like, holding me to account on the story. I appreciate it. I love a 45 minute story. Yeah, yeah. holding me to account on the story. I appreciate it. I love a 45-minute story. Yeah, yeah, it's my fault, your fault.

He says, he said it's about 200 yards, and there's no light, there's nothing, it's pitch black. Like Jimmy and Goodfellas, just keep going. Yes. Keep going in there. Literally, and I was like, Barry, we're going to get killed. He was like, I went, how are you paying for this? He went, I've got cash.

I went, you're a fucking idiot. You're an absolute not bad. You're never paid for an R2-D2 in cash. Pay 500 quid for this fucking big thing. So we go in. We drive all the way in, and it's this little, it looks like your garden office. It's about that big, but it's not as fancy.

It's made of wood, and it's like, oh, what the fuck? So then he comes behind and just knocks on the back window and goes yeah right so we get out the car and then we went inside and it was absolutely fine and the fella's just a lunatic and he makes star wars stuff but one of the scariest things i've ever done but also pissing myself laughing at the same time just to do it to do with the biggest scaredy cat in comedy barry Dodds. You had to paint it yourself. So it was just all white. I didn't quit. I know.

But Ian collects stuff like that. I just want to know, is there anything you'd buy from anything? I'd buy the big dog from Friends. Oh, yeah. The white dog from Friends that the lads ride in on when they were in the apartment. I'd buy that. You're ruining moving day for it.

When I got the garden office, yeah, it's a good thing to get as you're struggling to day for it when I got the garden office yeah it's a good thing to get as you're struggling to come out of a recession and a lockdown I got a stay puffed

marshmallow man oh right about this big obviously you can't get full size because he was a giant yeah I feel like

it's going to be something like Ecto-1 I nearly bought Eric Walkum's car his actual car is that a movie or was it just his car

no no we were just talking about memorabilia and stuff I nearly bought that was it definitely or was it just like an old Ford Orion

it was a proper thing and I was going to buy it no it was like a I can't remember what it was now it was a Mercedes and anyway I nearly bought it

the Eric Morcom society or whatever was like oh we're looking for someone to buy Eric Morecambe Society or whatever was like, oh, we're looking for someone to buy Eric Morecambe's car. And I was like, oh, that'd be cool, thinking I'll rock up at gigs in Eric Morecambe's car. You know, I'll be like, what? Imagine that level of fame and love from people. Imagine we get famous enough that someone can sell my Kia Sportage. Like, way above Kia Sportage.

He'll buy it. He's got a fucking, he's got a garage going chitty chitty bang bang Eric Markham and this is Adam Rose Kia Sportage yep

he's scratched it on the side himself and the Penrith Fiesta if you open the window you can actually still smell chips you still fucking see chips that's just Chester, if you open the window, you can actually still smell chips.

There's no fucking sea chips. That's just the still in the fucking car, dude. Did you get it, no? No, no. In the end, it turned out they were looking for someone to buy it so it could go in a museum. To give it them back. I was a bit like, nah, you're not right. I'll just come to the museum.

I'll just tell people I own it. That's an NFT. I bought that. That's an NFT. Yeah, that. That's an NFT. Yeah, like a real life NFT. Yeah. I don't know. Not for me.

What would you buy, Adam? Oh, you'd get the friend's dog. I'd like the friend's dog. I'd buy one of the guitars from School of Rock. Oh, yes. Absolutely. I would is I'm going to, basically. I'd buy the gavel from a few good men.

I'd buy Colonel Jessop's hat from a few good men I'd buy Colonel Jessop's hat from a few good men I'd buy Tom Cruise's suit from a few good men I like a few good men the electric chair from Green Mile just next to the front door put your shoes on

the mug from Usual Suspects is smashed though isn't it that'd be fucking good to put it back together I love it I love it in our podcast where I look over at the guests and they're going...

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use code WORD20. 20% off everything. And free delivery. Enjoy. So% off everything and free delivery. Enjoy. So we've got some correspondence here on the old female. Liam says, talking about support acts, quick one, Liz, would you rather only be a comedy tribute act

for a whole year or you have to take one on tour with you as support for five years? I will take one on tour with me as support for five years. I will take one on tour with me as support for five years and never watch a second of them because I am not resorting to being the lowest form of entertainment on the planet. Okay.

Thanks for watching all the tribute acts. So last time we talked about this, we were talking about the Peter Kay tribute acts. Keith, like, whoever they're called. Pathetic. I think he's like the big dog. We were talking about the Peter Kay tribute acts. Keith, like, whoever they're called. Pathetic. Keith Laird or something. Yeah. I think he's like the big dog.

I think there's guys that... Well, Peter's not gigging, is he? That dream of being Keith Laird. Oh, fucking hell, brand leader. Someone got in touch and was like, if you want to come and see me, I'm in Warrington this night, in St. Helens that night, and I'm drawn to it in a weird way. I know what you mean. I don't know if I could handle it

it's weird isn't it because you know when it comes to music if we take our opinions to one side I mean I agree with you but

if we just put the victory onto one side oh yeah it's grim but I want to see it if we move it to one side why do we accept it with music I don't

not comedy oh it despises it all as a society we do oh I see right okay but I don't oh look right well don't. Not comedy. Oh, he despises it all. As a society we do. I don't. Right, okay. I don't. Oh, look. Right, well don't watch Starstruck on Saturday night. I'm Robbie Williams. Look at me tattoos. Fuck off. Do not watch my new show Starstruck on a Saturday night.

You will fucking hate it. I will not be watching that. No, it's not for you. It's not for you. Is there anything about musicals? Because then he's right back in. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know it's not Alexander Hamilton, the real one, in the musical?

Yeah. You're gutted now, aren't you? You thought it was Alexander Hamilton, the fifth gay president of the United States of Canada. Or however it goes. If Alexander Hamilton had written his own autobiographical play and had written all the songs. Maybe I'd hate the musical.

Oh, yeah. But someone matching their haircuts to their favourite singer and then drawing fake tattoos on and going on stage to be like... It is weird, isn't it? So I've got some tribute acts in my family. So my family... Oh, you've really fucked this up. It's his TV show.

It's his Christmas day. And I've got very resolute opinions on this. I'm fine with that. Mum's Barbra Streisand, Dad's Tom Jones. So, but we have, genuinely have,

we've got, so my uncle, so they're all in musical, like music bands and stuff growing up, show bands and stuff. And then when they went their separate ways,

so I've got one uncle who does Michael Bublé every Friday night. so i've got one uncle who does michael buble have a friday night um and i've got another uncle who doesn't who does him yeah he does him don't do saturdays i've got the game he's actually he's actually a vicar so he can't he can't do saturdays he's working sunday morning but he does michael buble during the week and then my other uncle Brendan he's Neil Diamond

impersonator Neil Diamante I thought you were going to say day of the week honestly it's true that's my uncle Brendan yeah

so I've got a couple of them my auntie does Kate Bush so I've actually got this quack two or three knocking about

there's no way that's true mate honestly your uncle is a Michael Bublé tribute actor who's also a vicar. Uncle Dennis, yeah.

And the other one is Neil Diamante. Neil Diamante. Yeah. It's quite a rich family of tradition. You had no chance. So when I said I want to work in show business, there was no surprise. Yeah, of course. No one's like, if I'd have gone, I want to be an accountant.

Not under my roof. yeah of course no one's like if I'd have gone I want to be an accountant not under my roof so yeah it's quite a big it's quite a big deal actually but I must say

what's weird about the Tribute Act world is they believe a lot of them believe it not my uncles necessarily but a lot of them believe it I did a gig years ago at the Embassy Club

Bernard Manning's place a charity gig this is a bit legendary this one did you get asked to do it or did you ask to do it because it's from like a different world isn't it it bit legendary this one did you get asked to do it or did you ask to do it because it's from like a different world isn't it

it is a different world no I got asked to do it and it was Bernard me and Elvis yeah the Elvis

it wasn't the Elvis to be fair I don't know if he's done watched Elvis I thought we had a breaking news story there and there was only one dressing room

and Elvis wouldn't share so he was like no he wanted it to himself Elvis wouldn't share, so he was like, no, he wanted it to himself, because he had to get ready, he was like, you know, you're a comic,

you just turn up and do the, I've got to get ready, I've got to get into Elvis, I was like, okay, I'm fine with that, I don't need to watch that, and so afterwards,

afterwards, I think, maybe I'd done a bit, a bit out of 10 cats, or something, I don't know what happened, but I'd definitely done a bit of telly, or something,

enough for someone to want a photo afterwards and I was coming out these two women came up can we get a photo and I went yeah fine no problem did a little photo and then Elvis come out

still as Elvis not even used the fucking dressing room and he come out and the girls went oh can we get can we get a picture and he went

no pictures no thank you I was like mate you're from fucking Rochdale have a photo he believed it so much that he was just like in the,

he was a very good Elvis. He literally had a what would Elvis do moment. No, no, no, no photos. Thank you very much. I'm leaving the building. It was, yeah. So they are that person

when they're big. Not all of them, but yeah, there's a few like pockets, I think in show business of like the more you talk to them, the weirder they are. Like comics,

we're on a level where there's obviously something going on here that we crave attention i mean it's not it's obvious isn't it you know not enough to put an elvis costume not enough to do that then you've got those people who i guess have got a talent to mimic someone else the weirdest people in show business i think are ventriloquists all of them now don't get me wrong you've got your Paul Zerdins and your Nina Contis and that

who are normal-ish yeah but when you get into it and you're sat in a room with just a ventriloquist it's fucking weird just a matter of time they're weird

honestly they're weird yeah I think it's absolutely mental I can't believe how much it they don't know who they are and they've got someone just talking all the time that is most i interviewed nina continue the week and i said it to her i said ventriloquists are weird aren't they like generally she said yeah because your longest relationship you've ever had with anyone it's a fucking puppet

on the end of your hand yeah it. Why can't I get past? So, look, I can suspend my belief with stand-up, and this is something I need to enjoy a proper stand-up, is obviously an intelligent person who watches a lot of stand-up knows that the comedian has gone on stage and is not saying it for the first time. They've done it every night for a year or whatever. But you have to suspend your belief watching a stand-up comedian for a lot of the emotion in the routines

that it is spilling out of them. So that's why, for me personally, I don't love watching an hour of one-liners because I can't believe it for that long. I can't do it. I cannot suspend my belief enough with a venture request because when they're like, right? I'm like, yeah, but you're saying that. See, I disagree. That's you. you're saying that. Like, and it's like, that's you.

You're saying, imagine if he said this. Yeah, but he hasn't because it's a puppet and you're saying that. But I think if you watch someone like Paul Zerdin, who is so good at it, like I think, especially if you're in the audience, maybe different side of stage, but in the audience after five minutes, I think you're in. I've seen like crowds at Jonglers on a Thursday,

you know, Friday, Saturday night in the middle of Leicester, who has been a bear pit all night. And then he brings out a fucking baby and they're going, you know, this is comedy. You're following Paul. No, I'm not.

The best story I've ever heard about ventriloquist. So this is back in the day. This is like in the seventies. Roy Walker told us this. We were talking about mad sort of moments that have happened in dressing rooms. This might be before your time.

I mean, not yours, Dan. Same age as Jason. Just because we're the same age. That's all I'm saying. I'm just saying because we're the same age. Yeah, yeah. Because we're mates.

Yeah, yeah. Because back in the day, there was an act called Ray Allen with Lord Charles and he had a, it was like a monocled puppet with a top hat, and that was his little thing, right? So Roy says that they were doing this gig in Blackpool,

and he's turned up, Ray Allen. He's got a massive trunk, and he goes into the room, and in the dressing room, they're all just sat around in the dressing room having a fag or whatever, just chilling out before the gig. Oh, there you go. There he is, exactly there. Oh, terrifying. Yeah, absolutely terrifying. Jase, do you remember him? in the dressing room having a fag or whatever just chilling out before the gig oh there you go there he is exactly there oh I've terrifying

yeah absolutely Jason do you remember him yeah I remember this yeah you will do yeah so this is that's Ray Allen and Lord Charles right

so he turns up he comes in the room and he hangs Lord Charles up on a little hook and he puts his trunk there and he goes

he says I'm just going to get myself sorted have a shower or whatever you know he said as he's leaving he goes oh boys and there's like four or five of them in there he goes, he said, I'm just going to go and get myself sorted, have a shower or whatever, you know. He said, as he's leaving, he goes,

oh boys, and there's like four or five of them in there. He goes, don't look in the trunk and then leaves the room. Now, that's weird anyway. And so they're all sat there all of a sudden.

They weren't going to look in the trunk but now he said, don't look in the trunk. They're like, I'm going to look in the trunk. So, one of them goes over, maybe Roy, one of the others, opens the trunk. There's hardly anything in this trunk. They're like, I'm going to look in the trunk. So one of them goes over, maybe Roy,

one of the others, opens the trunk. There's hardly anything in this trunk. There's a couple of spare parts of Lord Charles maybe, you know, a spare suit,

some toiletries and whatever. Weird. And he closes the trunk, puts it back in its place, sits back down. Ray Allen comes back in five minutes later, looks up at Lord Charles

on the hook and Lord Charles goes, they looked in the trunk he froze the voice to the puppet they looked in the trunk how fucking weird is that the puppet didn't really say it you look like he's like like he's looking annabelle but how did he make the string i don't know if the thing moved but the voice was enough and also the fact that he knew something that happened when he wasn't in the room fucking weird that's got that that guy's got a bit he knows every time he goes for a piss yeah he's just gone for a little walk around the corridors

this is my bit they're the best have you ever sat with one of the old boys and just listened to some of those stories from the back of the day they're incredible you need to get somebody you know mick miller or something like that on here. We'd love to get Mick on, actually. Honestly, the stories, they're on another level. We've got stories of heckles and stuff like that. I'm doing a gig with him next week,

and you, actually, for the Ukraine benefit. Oh, yeah, yeah. We should probably plug that, actually. On the 18th of April, there's a benefit gig for the Ukrainian war effort. We're funding them, yeah,

at the Manchester Apollo. No, no. not so flippant we the Ukraine need bombs we are raising money with comedy for bombs to was back

over to Russia Justin Morales texted me and said will you do a charity gig for me it's something to do with Ukraine I think it's more for the refugees

yeah oh yeah no no no it's to arm the refugees with nukes we're giving every Ukrainian refugee a nuke and sending them back

and the one gig to Manchester Apollo is going to fund the entire thing you love charity don't you Les Dennis is on Les Dennis is pro nukes

Phil Walker is obviously Roy Walker's son he's someone we've all gigged with loads he I've been mates with him for a while

lived in St Anse for a little bit and we used to have a coffee and I am such a I love asking about the old days great so phil was the son of a legend you just mentioned roy walker roy walker post of catchphrase if anyone say what you see yeah say what you see absolutely lived around the corner for the whole of their

childhood from les dawson who's one of my favorite old comics you were talking about the legends who you used to grow up with when I was a little kid. Les Dawson held in such high esteem. There was an old shepherd from Greece who did a terrible thing to his geese, but he went too far with the budget he guarded, the parrot rang the police. Just amazing. I remember that.

Watching him play the piano wrong. So stupid. And Phil was like, yeah, I've got some weird memories from, obviously, my dad's mates were all tv legends yeah i was like what do you remember he was like yeah one day middle of summer a rolls royce pulled up outside and it was les dawson in speedos oiled up in flip-flops cigar he'd been sunbathing and he decided he needed to tell roy something so drove around some towns oiled up like ray winston in that fit in the film you know like absolutely shining came and he went is your dad in he was like no he's not he's like i'll wait for him came in the

living room and sort of like spanning on a spot and went oh i've oiled up i've oiled up no your mum will be fuming if i sit down go and get me some towels go and get me some towels i'll wait for your dad made phil walker run upstairs get some towels out he went lay them on the floor lay them on the floor he laid towels out les dawson lay on the towels so he didn't get oil on the couch and started just telling jokes to to a child roy walker roy's like i've got a very strong memory of just sitting on the couch pissing myself laughing at a shiny les dawson smoking a cigar doing his set brilliant yeah they're great they're i mean obviously the big boys as well when i first started uh before actually

before I started I was about 15 and I had this girlfriend whose uncle was a comic on the old circuit Dave Barron and he'd play like in the clubs

and I was interested in it I was always asking him questions and he said oh do you want to come to a gig and you know we're going to Blackpool so I just used to hold his shirt

and sort of so I could get in you know with him and sit with him and then you'd be in these dressing rooms everybody fagging away and just like chatting

and the best story I ever heard was it was at this club the number one club in Blackpool and there was an old comic on like

in his sort of 50s, 60s and he'd been you know he'd been doing 40 minutes and I don't know if you know this

but like there's and even now to a certain extent there's a point with some club owners where you have to do your time like 20 minutes 30 minutes 40 minutes and I don't know if you know this but like there's a and even now to a certain extent there's a point with some club owners where you have to do your time like 20 minutes

30 minutes 40 minutes irrespective of whether it's funny or it's going well that's not because that's just people's opinions

time is not an opinion so this kind of there's an old story from Alexander's because Alexander's used to be like that you do your 40 minutes yeah yeah

and there's a story I won't name him in case it doesn't want to be named there's a Manchester comic who did 38 and come off and the woman who used to run like that. You do your 40 minutes. Yeah, yeah. And there's a story, I won't name him in case he doesn't want to be named. There's a Manchester comic who did 38 and come off and the woman who used to run it

was like, you're not getting paid, you haven't done your time and he went, he shouted at the audience, went, just stay where you are, I need to do another two minutes.

He went back on, started his watch, said not another word, stood there for 120 seconds and I went, goodnight, I'm going to get his money and played it again.

Usually the good clubs that have these rules. Yes, they don't. People can judge it. But this club had this rule. So this guy's doing 40 minutes and he's not just dying on his arse. No one's heckling.

We can deal with that. Heckling and being, people are not listening and they're just chatting quite loudly and chatting away and just doing their own thing and no one's listening. And he gets to the end.

It's one of those clubs in the day where you weren't allowed to swear or do anything sexual. So you just have to do, you know. So he gets to the end of his act and he says thank you good night and he leaves like despondent as you can imagine and the noise and the rabble behind him of people just talking has not changed and as he's walking off to the dressing room the bingo trolley is coming the other way and it gets wheeled up onto the stage and as it does a hush

falls across the audience and something just twigs in his head, he's like, I fucking live it and he runs back out onto stage and he's giving it, you setter fucking twats, you cunts, every single one of you, I've been doing this job for 40, man and boy, you disrespect me, I've done 40 minutes of my best stuff, you didn't even fucking listen, the bingo trolley comes on and you're quiet for that you're fucking ignorant and he's giving and the club secretary is running across trying to stop him

and he goes he's like Dave Dave we were just having a minute silence for somebody who died last week fucking hell

I love that moment just on stage like that see you next week I love it love it so yeah sorry what was the question um from oh this is uh anonymous by the looks of it wigwam boys question if you lived in the us would you own a gun would you have a little handgun just for some peace of mind or would you go all out and get a

big fuck off rifle shotgun also which of you would be the first to accidentally shoot yourself in the leg eight mile style that's from ben sorry i'd absolutely have a gun in the states i don't agree with the gun laws i don't necessarily think they should be i think they should be a lot more gun control but if every other cunt's got one, I'm having one. Right. That's the argument that the mental gun people say, though, isn't it?

A hundred percent. Yeah. I totally understand their argument. I don't agree with it. But if I was in their position, I'd be like, you know what? We should get rid of them.

Are we all getting rid of them? We're all getting rid of them. Right, take mine as well. You're keeping yours, are you, John? I'm having mine as well. And also, in Scotland last week i

fired a shotgun yeah it made me feel very powerful now i actually kind of you're all getting rid of them you're okay you've got rid of them i'm keeping mine it's just on the wrong mile went to a shooting range during paul smith's stag do yeah right and uh i actually offered the fella uh double money to sell me a shotgun because they've got them on sale for 500 quid and he's like, but you need a licence. I was like, well, if I give you the grand, can I just have it?

Well, we're back. You are putting bungs out everywhere. Parking spot. Thank you very much. I'll keep that gun. Nice one. I just thought I'd quite like to have a shotgun. Do you want a shotgun for the studio?

I said, how much? And he was like, we can't get one. I was like, please. I honestly don't think you should be allowed a Nerf gun in here it'd be cool to have a gun on the wall not just like

one of the other offices are being too noisy if an overzealous scientist comes in it's like do you want to fucking leave do you John do you ever have that

what's this John guy oh John fucking John John is everywhere he sounds like a right John he can't

he just goes in his epic up draw trying man's name it's John again John again John is everyone. He sounds like a right smart. John, he just goes in his FA Cup draw, trying man's name. It's John again. John again. Poor bastard. John's a way to John. He's over in America.

He's an overzealous scientist. Oh, it could have been Puerto Rico. Juan. Fuck it. We need that bag of names. I'm going to make it because I'm going to do a little FA Cup draw

just for when the next John comes in you do have a name though mine's Jeff yeah mine's Jeff absolutely yours is usually Jeff I always go Jeff

I think it's just a funny name I go Jeff when it's just me and you yeah like when you're showing off it's John it's just John John's just the first name

that comes to my head every time I sort of don't disagree with you with the gun thing to be honest I think Well, when you're showing off, it's John. It's just John. John's just the first name that comes to my head. Every time. I sort of don't disagree with you with the gun thing, to be honest. I think I'd be the same, I think. If they suddenly brought them into Stockport, you know, if we just had our own little thing. What do you mean, suddenly? Well, that's not where I live.

And that's the lake. Have you shot a gun don't leave the bullets on the heated floor how hot does this floor get have I ever shot a gun I've done the old you know

stag do you know shooting that's what I meant I didn't mean have you ever shot someone coming up you know I know you went to uni

and salford exactly no but when I was a kid so my uncle who thankfully now I didn't mean, have you ever shot someone? Coming up, you know. I know you went to uni in Salford. Exactly, exactly. No, but when I was a kid, so my uncle, who thankfully now has turned his life around and is a drugs counsellor for the NHS. He's not the Neil Diamante. No, it's a different one. There's 11 of them, to be fair.

My mum's got 11 brothers and sisters. So he has very much turned his life around now, but back in the day was a wrong one. You know when the FBI employer hacker to sort out computers he now gets people off drugs because he's also managed to get himself off drugs but when we were a kid he stole our car

and so we got up one morning for school there was no car there, my mum had a yellow Triumph Dolomite which is, and he She's now on Jason's front lawn and he went and did a Hello Triumph Dolomite. She's now on Jason's front lawn. And he went and did a drugs deal with it.

I mean, that is not the car to be inconspicuous in the middle of Moss Side doing a drugs deal. Yeah, but that's the thing. Hide in plain sight. They'll never see you coming. You'd never expect that to be the drugs car. The police will have underestimated them there. Yeah. Anyway, it turned.

Steal a police car, do a drug deal in a police car they're not looking they're like no that's all right he's police it very much went that's a bastard of a car though yeah can we have a look at the dollar might look at the dollar might oh for the audio listeners this is about to get sexy oh so that was my mum's car which we would often say can you drop us off at the end of the road for school are you messing i'd want to be driving right through the school gates and that yeah now that's a classic back then it was jason are we definitely the same age i know because that looks like a car from 1953 jason's younger than you jason's only 40 right wow i love i love our little Chitty chat Chitty chat Chitty chat chat

Ha ha ha Chitty chat chat chat That was our car And anyway When it turned up Eventually Because my uncle's Not a total wrong

The car did come back Eventually He didn't steal it He borrowed it He borrowed it Yes But when it came back It had four bullet holes

In the back On the back wing Which never got fixed So they were just there For our whole Like the rest of our childhood The rest of that car But when it came back, it had four bullet holes in the back wing, which never got fixed. So they were just there for our whole, like the rest of our childhood, the rest of that car. So we'd go to school

and I would basically charge people 40p to come and have a look at the bullet holes in our car. And no one fucked with your mum ever again because she was the badass dropping off with bullet holes

in the dolomite. So there you go. There's another story I've never said out loud. Absolutely amazing. I don't know why. I don another story I've never said out loud. Absolutely. I don't know why. I don't know why. What a shitty thing to do.

I'm going to do a drug deal. I'm going to steal my sister's car just for a few days. Well, it's very hard to get those conversations out when you're doing the Alan Titchmarsh show. It says here, Jason,

that your uncle was a drug addict. It's funny you mention that, Alan. Shall we do some advice? I feel that Jason would be good at advice. You're excellent at advice. That's why people write, isn't it? We've got some advice from Scotland.

Do you know what I've realised recently? I'm very good at giving advice, but I'm not very good at taking my own. You don't want advice you know when you're in a situation and you know what you would advise someone else to do but you still don't

do it yourself yeah I think that's everybody yeah Scott Kirkwood says Jason you're not special Adam no no I just mean

I'm trying to make you feel better I'm trying to have a personality bro me and my missus oh it's written Glaswegian me and my missus have a personality bro me and my missus, oh it's written Glaswegian, me and my missus have a wee one due in September, I'm gonna do it us brothers, really badly I'm a season ticket holder at Rangers

and she's a season ticket holder at Celtic oh, some weird sex so need the boys views on what rules, what the rules are before this ends in her being a single parent. For me, it's you support who your dad supports. So little one on the way, Scott needs a bit of advice.

What's happening here? This is a sectarian childbirth. That's tough, that. Who's taking him to footy? Is she taking him to match? This should have been sorted long before you thought about having kids agreed what before they had sex but when they first started dating i want you i want you yeah all this needs agreeing first no you can you can right in the middle of it like

i'm a listen i'm about to come but before i do who's you support? If we get pregnant I'll go to your seats. You're not in the fucking main stand. I'm behind the goal! Some absolutely brutal Glaswegian accents by absolutely all of us. Apologies the whole of Scotland.

If I started dating a girl, right, and she was like, oh, me entire family are Man United fans. About, like,

two weeks after we became officially together, like 10, 20 dates in, whatever you are, right? I'd be like, just so you know.

Two weeks, 20 dates. Adam does not fuck about. No, two weeks after we've become officially a couple. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, just so you know. Two weeks, 20 days. Adam does not fuck about. No, two weeks after we've become officially a couple. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, look, there's actually something we need to talk about. If this goes somewhere and we haven't had kids, they're going to be a Liverpool fan.

You're a crazy lady. No, I'm not. Two weeks in to it being official, just let you know if we do have kids. If we ever have kids. Listen, John, if we have kids. You're a beautiful woman, John. I'm falling for you.

Even though you're a mank and a bloke. If we ever have kids. I think that'll put the girl off, you say. If it does, she's not the one. She's not the one. I personally think that what's harder about that one is they're both season ticket holders that's a big thing

because often like with my wife for example her family are all United fans they're from Kent obviously and they I love it it makes me happy that they just form into that

fall into that cliche United do have a lot of Kent's in their supportership nice solid let's give that what it didn't deserve that was like cunt thank you Carl thank you for clearing that one up sorry Jason so Nice. Solid. Let's give that what it didn't deserve. I was like, cunt. Thank you, Carl.

Thank you for clearing that one up. Sorry, Jason. So, yeah, so there was a United thing going on, but she's not that arsed, even though it's in the background of that family. So I was like, well, clearly there'll be Man City fans then. But the fact they're both season ticket holders, I think is the main issue.

This sounds pretty committed. I would probably pick a third team, a different team, maybe a lower league, someone else. Partick Thistle. I don't think you can... Let them pick when they're old enough, like Paul the Octopus. Green and white on one side, green and white and blue on the other. Just see which way the baby rolls.

Yeah, exactly. Paul the Octopussy. He's fucking puked on the hoops. He's a fucking rangers. I think... It's too late. He's not been born. It's too late. Can I just point out that when you're giving advice,

you can't say it's too late. If you're writing into Deidre going, I don't know what I'm going to do because my fucking wife's sleeping with somebody else. It's too late like if you're writing into daydream going i don't know what i'm gonna do because my wife's sleeping with somebody else it's too late that's not advice this should have been agreed on the third date do you want spicy rice with this rap and janine no but let's be honest, right? This is a relationship between a man and a woman, right?

Oh, clear it out. You just let's... Back to basics. You're assuming a lot there, but okay. Let me break it down. Let me break it down. Right? Yeah. She's going to win because women win.

Oh, I love. And this kid is now going to be a Celtic fan. And there's nothing he can do. It is too late. My advice to him is to pray to God that this kid isn't really interested in football. Your God, go to your church. Give it.

Give her this one. But you've got to, my advice to him is to, she's going to win anyway, so you might as well give her it and sort of cash it in later so instead of fighting for it you go look right obviously a big elephant in the room here we're gonna have a kid gonna be the celtic rangers fan i love you you're gonna be the one going through

childbirth you can sort of raise this kid as a celtic fan but i get like four things i want in the future because this is a big thing and if you use this to your advantage down the line you can fucking back it into a corner I don't know I think it's I don't know what's equal to this though

what would you ask for like the extra pizza slice or like a new car you want to waste it it's not at wishes it's like three wishes you don't want to waste one now you get like

another thing that comes up like this let's say they're looking to buy a new house and she likes this one he likes this one he's like we're getting this one there's one done he's still got three more to go next kid what's this gonna be probably bigger than the kid supports the house what i

think that's bigger well then she can tell him no then it's a second kid it's a second kid essentially that's what you've got to do you've got it if you if you never you can't have odd number kids that's the the rule because then you're going to have the imbalance yeah I know but if he lets her go first he could you could have the name maybe maybe

you have the name of the kid and then he could name it after like a Queen Elizabeth yes Queen Elizabeth the fucking Celtic fan yeah or

do you know what you've stumbled onto the absolute perfect formula here Nick Orange what you've got to do is you've got to find... I imagine he cares a lot about this, right? You've got to find something else that she gives a shit about a lot and argue to the death about that and then be like, right, well, you can call it whatever

or you can whatever or whatever, but the kid is a Rangers fan. So you've either got to completely give it up now and cash it in later or find something else she really gives a shit about and gaslight her until... The longer he talks, the darker it gets. Just call the child Queen Elizabeth,

William of Orange, Billy Boy and then watch her put that on a fucking Celtic shirt. Or play for twins and have one each. Get in her head. Underminer. Yeah. All right. Oh, yeah, Jason, you've got Twins.

I have got Twins. Did she not want one of them as a United fan? No, she wasn't bothered, to be honest, no. But every so often, the kids wind me up by saying they're going to be United fans because they know it's the one thing that will get her. That will hurt her the most, yeah. But I remember're going to be united fans just like because they know it's the one thing that will get the most yeah but i remember saying it to my dad when i was a kid because obviously when i was a kid city were terrible and united were winning everything

and i came up and i got picked on all the time at school so i was like one of the few city fans because unfortunately the the cliche that united fans don't live in manchester is not true there's actually loads of them and i was at school and it was full of them it's only me and david lindsay it's about half and half oh yeah yeah i'd say so like it which is weird because when i grew up there like oh they're all from down south you're like when you're in manchester only but it's yeah that'll be a lot easier and i came home from school one day after another like torrid day and uh we came beat 4-1 by Swindon and I came in and my dad was sat at the kitchen table

and I said Dad, I've got a great idea I was about 8 I've got a great idea and he went what? I went you know like

City keep losing and I keep getting picked on at school and he went yeah I went I was just looking at some of the United results

why don't we just support United? And even now, when he looks at me, I can see it in his eyes. He lost a bit of love. Yeah, I can still see

he has to remind himself to love me. I remember when I was a kid watching Michael Owen come on in the 98 World Cup against Argentina

before he scored that goal. And I remember watching it with my dad. It's just a really clear memory I was like my dad was like oh you want to

watch this lad he's fucking brilliant he's going to be the best player in the world this kid and I went who's he played for

and he went Liverpool and I went I'm going to support them then I'm six and my dad was like yeah you are

and I really remember it really clearly well Frank Skinner used to say I remember Frank Skinner used to do a line which was about what team you support

should be done with a map and a ruler. To basically see where you were born and what the nearest ground is to where you are. So maybe that's something they could do, is work out where they live and which ground is closest to where they live. There's many things that can induce labour. So, get a drive-in past's Ground and give her a curry.

Yeah, it's where they live, innit? What do you mean? Not where they give birth. Not where they give birth. No, you said where they were born. As in physically the hospital. I don't care enough. Sums it up. Beautiful. Get on board.

Give her a curry and tickle her outside Ibrox. I have a word. Official advice. It's what we fucking name the show. This have a word is from a person. Have a word. Hey up lads, can you have a word with my missus?

We, like a lot of other couples, have lost the spark. We enjoy watching box sets instead. The problem is she falls asleep during every episode. She's tired, fair enough, but if I turn off the show and try and do anything else, she comes alive like a fucking Halloween decoration and makes me keep watching the TV, but I have to rewind back to what she's missed.

She then falls asleep again. It takes us two or three nights to watch every poxy episode. I'm over here blue balling it, wondering who the killer is in Mare of Easttown, and she's having a nap. Can you have a word with her to either get her on the Mozambique or let go of the dream of watching TV together because it can't take me longer to watch a show

than it took them to make it. Get on me. No. Just tell them no. You love watching a box set with you. I do, but not under these circumstances. This is hostage situation shit. Don't be a hostage in your own home.

I just think don't pick a box set that you care about, really. Do you know what I mean? So save that for yourself. If there's something you really want to watch, that's what I do. Just make sure the stuff I really do you know what I mean so save that for yourself if there's something you really want to watch that's what I do just make sure the stuff I really want to watch

I watch by myself and then stuff that comes up in conversation I go oh yeah so there's like a diplomatic box set so if you miss a bit

you go that's fine what if you have to watch see the problem with that is the one that you don't really care about in this situation the one he doesn't care about

he's going to have to watch three times but you could just get your phone can't you just have a little oh no oh my my if we're watching something together me and laura so ozark was the last one that got us tuned in we love ozark think it's really well made if i dare like if i get a message from the whatsapp group for the podcast which is work of, if I dare just even do a side link, she pauses it and then just goes, oh, I love that. Just wait till you're finished. We're hypocrites, aren't we? Because I get annoyed if my wife looks at her phone while I watch something

and vice versa. But then the classic always happens is I'll be on my phone and she'll go, what are you doing? I go, I was just seeing what else he's been in. IMDB. I see what he's been in. You're checking that'll go what are you doing I go I was just seeing what else he's been in IMDB just want to see what he's been in you're checking that on Twitter are you Jase

you're looking at your own mentions for that piece of information I can't watch things on my own I have to watch them with someone I have to watch them

with someone are you scared we're watching an American Horror Story right now so when she falls asleep and that's on I turn it off.

Right. Have any of you watched Is It Cake? We watched an episode the other day. We had a party on Sunday for Mother's Day, my son's birthday. We ended up in the garden. Oh, I'm going to do another thing here. Anyway, we've got a telly in the garden.

And as soon as it came up, I was like, oh, fuck it. Baby, your house smells of cat shit. Right next to Shitty Shitty Bang Bang, we've got a... I'll tell you in the garden. I'm not going to apologise. Is that the late TV there, Jason? And the kids were sort of like...

We were trying to chat amongst adults, and I said, oh, just stick something on, so Netflix come on, and then this Is It Kate come on. In the end, there was like 40 people sat around watching it like it was the gut vinyl. It's a mad show. Me and Etta sat there last week.

Sometimes when we go on Netflix, if she's allowed to pick, it goes shit really quick. Yeah. So I have to sort of be like, not that one, darling, not that one. She picked Is It Cake

and the title is so simple. I was like, I can't resist. We watched the whole thing. She was so fucking into it. I love those moments where you can hang out with your five-year-old daughter and you're both into it. love those moments where you can hang out with your

five-year-old daughter and you're both into it yeah just so simple and well halfway through episode one i was like couldn't believe i'd been talked into watching it yeah and i'm like right how is this being made this is one of the worst things i've ever seen in my entire life and the host by the way he owes the most most he owes someone money it's like going on with that guy it's like he got sentenced it's like right you can either do 25 years in a maximum security prison or you can host this show on netflix and he's like i need three days to think about that he fucking hates it he's got no interest in bacon or cake whatsoever halfway through episode one i was like this is horrific by the end of episode four i was like how is this not on every channel all day i think they got an arena show tickets for that it's a tiktok video turned into

a tv series isn't it it's like it's a mad like 30 second clip into but it's incredibly it's the tacos that was the one that was when i went from like yeah of course no spoilers it's a burg yeah well mad shit is made into cake but there is a point where you're like well obviously it's not a cake because it's go fuck yourself you magician

it's mad I'll watch it later yeah it's well worth a watch I'd say it's mad I can imagine but it's good to turn your brain

off telly isn't it yeah which is that's the type of thing you can just be like on your phone yeah that's what I think that's fine I'm a little worried

about my attention span I think the the era of scrolling social media Instagram reels yeah that's what you i think that's fine i'm a little worried about my attention span i think the the era of scrolling social media instagram reels tiktok has started to mess with my attention span because i am finding something on netflix and going oh cool top boy top boys just made a second series on netflix yeah i've heard good things about it. Top Boy is amazing. Watched it 10 years ago when it was Kano and your man from So Solid Crew. And then Drake is one of the executive producers now.

Got it remade because he watched it and was like, this is amazing. So Drake got it remade. Watched the series a few years ago. Excellent. Halfway through episode one and I'm gone.

I was on my phone. Just because there's something about the long form of like, I've actually stopped picking up. You know, if I see somebody on the phone in the audience, like I'd usually go, I'd make a point of it and make them like a prick. And I've got to a point now, post-lockdown, where I think, do you think because there's so many people doing it? They're not being used to watching something for an hour and a half or an hour.

It's a long time. It's so long, you know, that you just find something else to do. Well, Netflix have started making short things. Like there's some episodes that are 12, 13 minutes. Explains good. Because they've basically gone off the YouTube algorithm of like any more than 30 minutes.

People are like, oh, God. But then Batman comes along at three hours and you're like, come on. You can't put three hours at the cinema and not put a break in or something. Like it's mental. An then Batman comes along at three hours, and you're like, come on. You can't put three hours at the cinema and not put a break in or something. It's mental. An interval? Yeah, an interval at the cinema.

Chalk Isis. That's what they need to start doing. That'd be so good. Yeah, that'd be sick. Cinema intervals? Cinema intervals. They used to have them. They used to have them back in the day.

They used to have them, yeah. And they still have them for Bollywood films, because they're like eight hours. How long was back in the day? When are we talking? 90s? Well, when his mum was driving that car in 1954 like back back like sort of 60s 70s yeah into the cinema yeah i remember going to bambi and getting a choc ice in the

interval maybe in the 80s actually yeah you're probably right sick i'd love that man a little cinema break yeah we're both old go fuck yourself i've got another old person i always get rinsed for being old you're not old dan when he says Bambi, that was the premiere. He went to the black on my Bambi. The 80s and 80s. Oh, I hate you a lot. What a pleasure to have you. Should we call it a pod?

I think we should. I've got to get home, sort a car park and space out, and then I've bunged for, you know. And then I've got to get over to Manchester to open open for mr manford yeah i was busy and um thank you for coming out joking you've can you tell us where we can obviously we know you and everyone knows you but you've got a podcast i guess i have yeah i do i do i feel like that's a good podcast yeah i do a radio show and then it turns into a podcast. But it's a good laugh actually. No, haven't you got the other podcast

that you were doing? Wasn't it? No, no, stop. What? I've pulled that one out of my butt cheeks. Oh, I did one with Judy Love for a little while. Right, okay, cool.

No, me and Steve Edge do one for Absolute, which is similar to this, just, you know, chatting shit with your mate. You know what I mean? So, which is a lot of fun. We've got a lot more rules

than you, like Ofcom and stuff. But I actually got in trouble with Ofcom I don't know if I've mentioned this I've not mentioned it on the radio show obviously but I'll probably get

in trouble for telling you about it and basically what happened was so we sometimes record on a Friday and it goes out on a Sunday morning

somebody edits it one of our producers edits it and then it goes out on a Sunday with songs in it one of our producers edits it and then it goes out on a Sunday with songs in between and all that it's happy days and um one thing what we talk about New Year's resolutions at the beginning of the year and I felt one bloke text in uh messaged in on on social media and he said to me um he said Jase I this year I'm gonna eat less and and swear less as well just I'm swearing an awful lot at the moment.

I'm just going to try and cut the two. And we sort of did a few jokes about it, messing around, and we said, you know, the end of January, and Steve said, the end of January, you're just going to open the fridge and go, fuck it. That's a nice little end to that little bit. And then, because it was funny, we were like, oh, well, just, even though it's swearing

and it is national radio and there's kids listening, let's put a bleep in, because it's a funny joke. You it is national radio and these kids listen, let's put a bleep in because it's a funny joke. You don't want to take away from the joke, so put a bleep in. Anyway, somebody forgot to put the bleep in. And so on a Sunday morning off it, it actually came out.

And I was actually at home listening to the show. It was on in the background. And anyway, it actually was no bother. It was one of those things that nobody really you know listeners are pretty cool and nobody really got

you know too complaining about it a few people tweeted anyway a few maybe a week later a few people tweeted complaining no just mentioning it

yeah just saying oh naughty boys like sort of thing just joking you know off comma like basically HR for broadcasting yeah so if anything

goes wrong or you've got a complaint about anything that's broadcast then it goes to them they're like the head teacher so a couple of weeks later somebody eventually does find it and complains to offcom offcom start to investigate and anyway it's all been fine they pay a little fine and you do an apology and it sort of works itself out i was annoyed about it for like a few weeks um and i realized the reason i was annoyed is because it's not because a kid heard you swear it's not because an accident happened and somebody wasn't doing their job properly it's because you know that one of your listeners is a fucking grass yes there's something about knowing that these people that you trust and

love and talk to every week. He fucking said that. And it really wound me up. Well, Jason, you could rob a bank with this lot because the murder that we've got away with. Well, I know. I've heard it. I'm surprised you're still on air.

That's why you keep saying no to all the mainstream money and you can say whatever you want, including fuck that grass and pig twat fuck wow he didn't say that he didn't say it i said it it was me nothing to do with him can't cancel this show come for me you rat long-tailed that's from before by the way this is just looks like adams had a stroke and gone mental this is all from before you're ready just for a bit of context uh cheers jason really appreciate it nice to see you we have got an arena show on sale uh it goes on patreon pre-sale on wednesday it goes on public sale on friday that

is the 6th and 8th of april respectively if you want those early access to the best tickets make sure you're on patreon to get it and And if you want to just wait until Friday, then fuck you. Do that. I've got a few tickets left for my tour shows, especially in the Isle of Man. adamrowe.co.uk

forward slash shows. He's at dannightingale.com. What's wrong with the Isle of Man? What? What's wrong with the Isle of Man? I have that as well, the Isle of Man, when I go over.

Thank fuck for that. Yeah, I have to really work hard to get that sold. There's something, maybe you didn't- Villa Gatey. Villa Gatey, yeah. That's where I am.

Maybe you didn't fucking salute the fairies that sold. There's something, maybe you didn't. Villa Gatey. Villa Gatey, yeah. That's where I am. And it's a problem. Maybe you didn't fucking salute the fairies or something at some point. There's about 812 people on the island though, so you've made me factor that in. Oh, I need 38 people to come with me to the Isle of Man and join the entire population at the show.

Thanks very much for listening as always. Follow Jason, follow us and have a good life. Bye for now.