Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #167 with Callum Oakley - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

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nuts. Oh! Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Well, Dan, that hair transplant has done wonders. The worst thing is, like, I've got about as much hair as Dan in real life as well. Like, this is all extensions.

I literally look like Frankie Cacosa with them all out. Vicky Patterson. Back in the studio, drinking piss for breakfast. Oh, this is my supplement. I actually had a couple drinks last night. So did I. Did you? Well, the night before last,

I went out to watch Liverpool play in the Champions League and was so, so, so, so unbelievably drunk. Yesterday's hangover was horrific and me cousin's fiancee texted me and said, I'm in town, do you fancy a cura? And that turned into another 10 pints. I feel like you're me spirit animal because I've done exactly the same this week.

I went out for dinner on Tuesday after a big shoot and I was like just celebrating. And the next thing I know I'm like three bottles of wine in. A little bit closer. It's okay. No, it's okay. Next thing you know I'm like three bottles of wine in. And yesterday I felt like a bag of shit. So I was like what makes you bad makes you better.

Next thing you know I'm at one o'clock in the morning and I'm like oh no I've got work. So it's piss today to try and make me feel better. What is it? Is this like a Barocca style thing? It's sort of a Barocca, but it's like Barocca on speed. Right. It's like double. Is it just Barocca and speed?

Is that all it is? Scouse supplement. I'm having a lovely time. Where did you go? You've been in Manchester? Yeah so I was in Manchester On Tuesday Was lush

Went to Rossow And then 20 stories The really Yeah The 20 stories up ones Yeah And then yesterday I went to see my mate in Bolton

Okay So a nice little tour Of the North West this week Bolton Bolton I That's an experience isn't it I actually had a lovely time there she um she took me to a nice local pub she's got like a young baby and stuff so we just sat in the house and drank with the

dogs it was really nice see because you're famous right i can't imagine what it must be like because every now and then i walk into a pub in liverpool and people are like the fuck's this guy doing here but you've been on almost every TV show that's ever existed and what must happen in a pub in Bolton when the queen of the jungle

comes in for a pint it was actually so I don't know enough about Bolton to know if I'm saying this right but I feel like

the area was mad middle class mate like honestly I mean I can see you looks going that's your Geordie coming out there foot and well posh round here. I was like,

the school across the road looked like Hogwarts. And then like, like me mate was saying like, oh yeah, the people who bought this house off was solicitors. Like,

that's all fucking posh to me, you know, Hogwarts and solicitors. It doesn't get much posh other than that. So I was like, are you okay? So then when we went to this pub, it was full of like old posh people and no one had a fucking clue who i was there weren't geordie joe fans put it that way yeah ethel sludge dropping in the

corner nobody really recognized us i don't think really i don't think so i think one of the bar staff half clocked yeah but she was being very profesh maybe i just wanted that i think maybe i think i wanted that maybe she didn't really yeah you're just looking for one i was just hoping fucking someone recognized me what have i got to do oh there's nothing no more TV for me. So you were on the couch not so long ago. I know. And I feel like even just coming from there to here,

whole different dynamic. Why? What's different about the chair? I'm nervous in the chair. Are you? Yeah. Well, for starters, this prick makes me really nervous. And the buttons, like I'm scared of buttons.

Why are you scared of buttons? Technophobe, huge technophobe. And I feel like there's so much scope for me to do something wrong here okay so as it's your first time co-hosting i never get to touch the desk really because it's dan's that's dan's thing does he get very like territorial if i press buttons he gets a bit like he starts fucking whack-a-mole on my hand with the with the gavel i can see him doing that so the buttons are just there just in case like if i said something you 100 agree with you could press applause okay if i say something that really upsets you you could say upset me if we're talking about one thing and i take it in a random new direction it's a little screech like turn the corner okay that's the sort of thing if i start telling you a sad story you

press sad story and it'll put sad music in the background. That's actually beautiful, isn't it? So tell us about Bolton again. Tell us about no one recognising you. Oh, I've just gone off! That's like two minutes long, Matt. The sad story one will go for a very very very very long time oh god okay so now that i'm familiar with the board yeah let's fucking do this bro okay you know we have been recording for five minutes oh shit was i nice about bolton yeah well then

called it middle class which is you know that's the first time anyone's ever done that. I'm here to be above average. Do you? Right, okay. So you're a girl who's come from Newcastle. Yes. And you've gone on to this big fame, right? And you're calling Bolton middle class. Is there anywhere you've been in the UK that you consider a shithole? So where I'm from, like everyone says Newcastle, and that's fair.

I'll take that because where I'm from is within Newcastle, but it's actually a little place called Walls End. Okay. And when I was growing up, like in a taxi drive, I would drop us off. It'd be like, where are we going? I'd be like, Walls End, but the nice part. And they'd always go, there is no fucking nice part. Like that's the taxi driver would always say, Like, no matter what taxi I got in.

So I, and I'm really proud of where I'm from. I fucking love Walls End. But I feel like the bar has been set pretty low. So I'm always impressed wherever I go, basically. Like, I really have. And then also as well, I feel like you get the best people in the worst places. So this is sort of me and Dan have spoke about before. Okay. Like, I can't really happen then. Also, as well, I feel like you get the best people in the worst places.

So this is sort of me and Dan have spoke about before. Okay. I 100% agree with you. And especially, I think a good reflection of this is in comedy. So if you go to a really posh place. Oh, I imagine that's torture. It's dull. They don't want to laugh.

Because their lives are good. So they don't need me to make them laugh. They're smiling all day, every day. They're waking up in their fucking massive houses massive houses okay they probably hate their fucking wives and husbands and they're all a bit miserable deep down yeah but they've got nice lives and they come and they're just there because it's something to do whereas if you perform comedy in a shithole and people have got problems it's a little escape for them it's a release as well isn't it and like they've looked forward to it and stuff like I really get that yeah

also as well just to add to this I've done PAs in some of like the worst places in the world like I did this one place in Wales

where the night I went to nobody paid for a drink until someone had a wee what so nobody paid for a drink

the bar was free until someone had a wee it was called free till you pee. That's a great idea. But then, so everyone's looking around at each other, like fucking fully like, I dare you to piss.

Like literally, I swear to God. So it's mad, like a bit, it's a bit eggy. Like it's a bit edgy. How the fuck does that bar make any money that night? Well, because then once someone pisses, everyone's just like, why? And they still buy drinks. Like it's hot.

It's like a thing. So yeah, so that was Pretty much probably One of the roughest places I've ever been to People just Stood around waiting For a picture with you Pissing themselves

It's carnage People are pissing In other places I'm telling you right now Because it was only You could It was only like It was free until

You peed in a toilet Oh so you're just Finding little nooks To piss in I have seen lasses Pee in some of the Weirdest places Yeah Like Well trying to do it In a bottle and that Like we just don't have The gear for that babes finding little nooks to piss in. I have seen lasses pee in some of the weirdest places. Yeah. Like?

Well, trying to do it in a bottle and that, like, we just don't have the gear for that, babes. We don't, man. We can't aim. It's really hard. Yeah. I've pissed on a nightclub floor before. Were you at that night? Were you at that night? I absolutely wasn't, no.

So, I've done it twice actually. Once I've pissed Just onto the Dance club floor Yeah yeah The nightclub dance floor And another time I just took a jug

Off the bar in Pop World Yeah And just I was at the bar Literally ordering Me next round Pissing And then the girl went

Are you pissing into a jug And I went Yeah I was just slowly Escorted out Do you know what i thought of the other day i literally thought of you um do you remember savar bar savar yeah yeah is that still there no right next door to pop world yeah yes the tequila bar yes yeah that is still there yeah oh my god that was like made up so much of my uni experiences you know yeah like it's like a quid for a tequila and they've got like all infused with all the chilli and but lubri and whatever you want. It's amazing.

Like we used to go in there as like a bar before we went clubbing. Not a pre-drink, we'd already do pre-drink in the apartment. The flat, it's not, it wasn't a flat. I don't know why I said that, I felt like a real prick. But yeah, we'd go there and we'd do roulette so we'd order 10 uh-huh you know for a tenner and we'd all just pick one up and go and oh my god adam have you ever done the chili yeah you've got about and this is really gross so i'm sorry because i'm a girl but you've got about 10 seconds to get to the toilet if you do that chili one. Haven't you? What, to be sick? No, babe.

What for? For the other thing. Surely this is your territory. For poops? Yeah. Adam, I don't know if you know, Vicky, he hasn't got the strongest of bowels. So that's probably hell on earth for him.

Have you not done the chilly shot in Savath? I have done it, but I don't think it's like an emergency shit situation for me. Babe'm telling you right now i have asked a cross-section of the general public right and like everyone shits themselves after their shot maybe i'm like immune to it because i'm shitting myself so regularly anyway maybe you just think it's normal yeah maybe i'm having a chili shot i mean like oh time for a poo like in my head they're totally unrelated but maybe like genuinely this is how bad my bowels can get i wouldn't notice that i wouldn't go oh that was the chili shot i'd go oh it's another tuesday like it would not enter my head that those two things were related oh babe honestly like my

bowels are okay i feel like especially after hearing that story. I think they sound bang average. Average bowels. It's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me bowels. Fucking well-average bowels, you, girl. What are the average bowels on this twat here? Clothes fall off. But, yeah, honestly, going in there, like, you dread it, mate. It would be one of those things where the sweat would form on your brow and you'd know you'd had seconds to get there like charging through

this fucking bar it was so you're describing every shit i've ever had in public so this is why it's just not released in my head like my do you know when you need a poo right and you get like it's sort of like you know it's coming and you get like it's sort of like you know it's coming and you get like a little polite email from your bowels to your brain which says like dear vicky we'd quite like a poo best no worries if not best regards your bowels it's really nice it's like at some point i love mine are like airport security with an unattended package it's like clear the building there's a problem who's this it needs to be removed immediately oh my god so that's how i feel when i do the chili shot in savannah yeah that's how I feel when I do the chilli shot in Savannah. Yeah, that's how I feel after a thick shake.

Oh, babe. So what do you do? Do you have to have special things in place? What do you mean? Well, like, obviously if that's a general occurrence, I'd feel like you can only eat certain things when you're out. Do you always have to bring your own toilet roll? I don't know the rules.

Okay, so... My boys are fine. I don't bring my own toilet roll because most toilets provide it so i just didn't know if you were having an aggressive one whether you're like a nice like three ply do you know what i've never thought of it but going forward maybe i will start bringing some of my home andrex with me yeah call me for poo tips vicky i need a shit what do i do girl um yeah so I don't have to have special things in place the the dietary thing here's here's what's happened right I am almost certainly intolerant

to loads of stuff but I'm not getting it checked because I don't want to be told I can't have cheese anymore yeah I feel like that is so fair though I you know what I mean? I'm absolutely with you If a doctor says to me You can't eat bread Then I'm going to just Walk out the doctors I don't like going to doctors Oh I've got Shall I tell I've got a story actually

So I think instead of Doing it as a stand up bit I'm just going to tell you the story Lucky me Right okay So Something else you need to know I suffer with the odd bit of health anxiety

Constantly worried about like if I get chest pain, I'm concerned I'm having an heart attack. Can't turn it off, right? Just to let you have to calm yourself and stuff. Yeah. Okay. So, been single since January. Had a couple of casual encounters.

He's been getting his dick wet. Oh, my eye! So. So, Dan got in my head I come in here and Dan goes have you been rapping little Vinny up that's the nickname for my dick

little Vinny little Vinny well my name was Vincent for the first week of my life my mum changed it because it was old fashioned so he's little Vinny anyway

he's like have you been rapping little Vinny up and I was like all but once and he went that's still you're gonna get itchy and i went no i won't it's fucking fine she was fine but he got in my head right because the health anxiety isn't he he's the dad he's the he is the mom of the group actually the dad of the group isn't even fair he's the auntie of the group right he's the auntie of at the wedding of the group don't be a fool like i can see him doing it so this is about six weeks ago friday night i got a pain in me bollock

oh not a bad more like a fee it was like i was aware of them i knew where me bollocks were okay right which you don't normally do as a man, right? Are pains in your... Obviously, I don't have balls. Are pains in your bollocks normal? Like, is that really unusual? Every now and then, you get a little twinge, and you're like, oh, and then it's just nothing. But this was, like, a bit more than that. Oh, it was significant. I thought it was anyway, right?

I'll spoil it. I got all clean. I'm a clean boy. Mama like that. Oh, no, I pressed them both. Stop. No, I don boy. Mama like that. Oh no, I pressed them both. Stop. No, I don't. Stop pressing it.

Just leave it. I'm sweating. I'm clean. Mama like that. Mama like that. The bags in my knees. I'm sweating. Oh, that was so nerve wracking.

So I get the pain in my bollock. The next day is Saturday. Yeah. and i rang one one one you can't ring nine nine nine you can't ring nine nine nine and say i had a pain in my balls yesterday because that's not i don't think it's appropriate is it's not an emergency i mean so the guy's taking me through these ridiculous questions that all seem completely unrelated like he was like uh have you got any shoulder pain i'm like why has that got anything to do with me bollocks? And he's like, sir, I know they don't seem related, but they are often related.

So can you just answer the questions, please? Have you got any lower back pain? I was like, no, no, no. Such a job's worth. So he gets to the end of it and he goes, right, it is imperative that you see a sexual health professional within the next 24 hours. Your anxiety just goes whoosh.

Yeah, so I'm like, right. He goes, there's a walking centre in Liverpool. Can you get there? And I go, yeah. Put the phone down. health professional within the next 24 hours your anxiety just goes whoosh yeah so I'm like right he goes there's a walking centre in Liverpool can you get there and I go yeah put the phone down and then

I got a bit paranoid because here's the thing I'm not famous but I'm also in Liverpool I'm also not not get recognised

get recognised sort of if I walk around town for an hour ten times someone will be like you're right right, I love the podcast. And it's never, like, a massive thing. It's fucking more than happening to me in Baltimore.

So I'm like, right, I'm going to get recognised going to the sexual health clinic here, and I don't want that. So even though it was a sunny Saturday afternoon, I put a big, thick hoodie on. Oh, no. A cap and sunglasses. Sweating your tits off. I put a big thick hoodie on, a cap and sunglasses. Like a fucking A-list celebrity going to a restaurant and trying to get away with whatever.

Felt like such a twat afterwards, right? Especially because I get to the clinic and it's also a normal walking centre. So my first thought was, oh great, no one will know what I'm here for anyway. But you're done up like the Unabomber, so... LAUGHTER You've fucking painted yourself up here.

LAUGHTER He's either got the clap or he's there to fucking blow the place up. Um... So, I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake. I walk in. Oh, I get for fuck's sake. I walk in. Oh, I get a demonstration, folks.

So the clinic is shaped like this, the whole thing. The front door is like here, right? And you walk in. And there's a massive desk here like this. And there's a woman sat here and a man sat here. I don't know whether that's getting picked up, but I will take a photo of it and put it in. So I thought, right, there's two people here.

One for the walk-in and one for the sexual health. And I thought, well, the woman in the corner, the discreet bit, that'll obviously be the sexual health bit, right? I feel like it was not. I went over and I went, I love you. I said, I am.

So, so creepy. I was like, I need to get checked and she goes for what right i went just like full mot let's just figure it let's just figure it out i've got a i've got a pain in my bollock and she goes oh i'm not exaggerating she did this on fucking purpose she goes oh the sexual health clinic is that desk there right I'm obsessed with her so I went alright thank you

thank you I went round to the guy I went I need to get checked and he goes is it sexual health or walking and i went there is no way you haven't just heard what she said there's there's people in toxteth who know what she's just said like you you know what i'm here for yeah sexual health mate because he goes well i'm really sorry but um it's 10 past three and we shut at three on Saturdays. And I went, mate, it's 10 past three. I was told on the phone by 111 that I absolutely have to be seen within 24 hours.

My health anxiety's going mental. Can you please do anything? Oh, just do us a favour. So he goes, I'll have a word with the nurse, see if she'll do one more. Right? She goes, he goes out. Lucky her. He goes out, comes back in, and he goes right she is gonna see you what's

your name and i went and he goes what i don't know and he goes what and i went right so i got i was like i don't there's a fairly full waiting area they can't really see me they're sort of tucked around the side because of your disguise also a hundred percent they had no idea who i was so i i wrote it on my phone i wrote me date of birth me address my name and i just put it up against the the perspex that he's behind right so he goes okay mr go and sit down i didn't even get to sit on the chair me ass got about an inch from the chair and the nurse comes out adan row right fantastic so i walk in she goes she goes like mister what's been happening i went well i got a pain in uh one of my bollocks and i'm sort of very aware of my penis as well i'm just aware of it

someone's being a bit braggy and i'm just this story doesn't end braggy right okay so she goes you're aware of your penis you've got pain i was like i just got a feeling like i know it's there and that's not normal but i don't know whether i'm being paranoid and i'm just constantly thinking about it because my mate said i'm gonna get an std because i've slept with one girl without a condom on. And I just don't know what to do. So I don't know what to do. And this is, she goes, look, don't fucking worry, babe. She's like 55. She goes, what we're going to do, right?

I swear this is all verbatim, right? She goes, what we're going to do, you're going to piss in this pot. We can't have the second bit of your piss. It has to be the very first bit of your piss. Give some of this accurately. So you're going to go in there and piss in that. You're going to come in here. I'm going to take your bloods.

That's for HIV and syphilis. Oh, my God. Then what I'm going to do is I'm going to have a look at your knob. And she said knob. No, she didn't. I swear to Lucifer, she did. Right? I'm going to have a look at your knob.

I don't think I've said knob in years. I think I'm too old to say knob. But this is a medical professional. Oh, no, you say knob, but, yeah this is a medical professional oh no you say no but yeah not a medical that's throwing the term around oh my god so she went in the uh she went in the thing i went in the thing did the piss come back and she took me blood and she goes like go behind that curtain there uh pull your pants all the way down all the way down and then there's a little bit of sheet of paper that you can just put over your private parts

and i went what's the sheet for she goes for privacy and i went but aren't you going to come behind there and remove the sheets immediately yeah and she goes well yeah but this is just procedure i went i'm not using the sheets so i go behind i don't know if you've heard but i'm very aware of my penis so i go behind it's got like those gynecology stirrups Oh my god they're so terrifying But I thought I had to put my legs in them No So I'm sat there

So your little bum holes out I died You didn't fart please say you didn't fart I've got my legs up It wouldn't have been a fart with this one's bowels So I shouted me knobs out No, I didn't. I've got my legs up. It wouldn't have been a fart with this one's bowels. So I shouted me knobs out because I'm now trying to like play into it. I went me knobs out.

She goes, okay, I'll be back in a minute. And I went, what are you doing? She was like, I've got to send an email. No. Right. So she's on her computer typing away. And I'm like, so I'm just laying here, just waiting to be seen. Little Vinny and the cold and that.

She comes back, right? Oh, I'll never forget this, right? So she comes and she's looking at it, but from like me arsehole, like she's right at the end of the thing and she's just like, and I'm looking everywhere but at her, right? I'm just like counting the fucking tiles on the ceiling like like just trying to do every impossible but have a conversation

with this woman and she's going and then is she holding here is that a magnifying glass no my knob all right tight that doesn't need a magnifying glass no my knob all right tie that it doesn't need a magnifying glass that's rude no i wasn't me i thought that's what doctors do isn't it i think you're getting doctors confused with sherlock i have just watched poirot at the weekend that's what it is got a nice that is great in your accent do that again please he's got a nice monocle honey so he has got a nice monocle she didn't have a monocle it's good to know that information so she was taken longer than i was happy with so at this point i now look down and i can see what she's holding right and with my cock in her hand she moved it to the side looked me in the eye and said so do you get recognized a lot no right oh no one's allowed to

say that when they're that close to your bum hole and i went what are you doing and she's watching me and i'm making conversation i went you can't just drop that you know who I am. What? Me dick's in your hand. And I say it was in her hand. It fucking wasn't anymore. I had two belly buttons for five minutes after she said that. Oh my good God. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. But thank fuck.

Clean. Wait. Yes. Come on! The diagnosis, official diagnosis was sometimes people get pain in their bollocks. yes come on the diagnosis official diagnosis was sometimes people get pain

in their bollocks that's a bit of an anti-climax isn't it not that I'm saying I wanted you to have syphilis or anything but like that story

would have been great if I was in the clinic wouldn't it what a reveal this would have been and I've got AIDS ladies and gentlemen

so you know it's been nice knowing you all Vicky's going to be a permanent host with Dan you can live with that now you can

yeah I seen some fella the other day actually did he get cured I can't remember there was something big happened in the AIDS world yeah there's people where it's now

not even in their body it used to be that it was just a trace wasn't it but now there's someone that's got nothing so you're alright mate thank you

I was talking to I went to Hot Water last night. I did their green room podcast that they do and just jumped on the late show. And I tried that story out as a bit. How'd it go? It went well. Well, I just, I feel like it was more of a podcast story than a stand-up bit.

And afterwards, Paul Smith goes to me, he goes, I don't know what you're worried about, by the way, because like AIDS, like these days, it's genuinely worse to have a nut allergy and I went no it isn't Paul is it because I'm young and single and I would much rather be on a date with a woman and say oh by the way I've got a nut allergy then oh should have brought this up in the talking phase yeah i've got the old aids actually i think it's so much easier to avoid like chicken satay than it is like sex with everybody else like that's mad who's paul smith because that doesn't sound like a true fact he's the compere hot water yeah i think he's full of shit mate as a woman i'd rather be like oh let's not go to

asian restaurants anymore rather than like, fuck me. So if I was racist against Asians, that would be better? No, it's not about... It's about their cuisine, Adam. I just hate the Asian world. Made me upset. Loving the soundboard. So am I, I'm really getting into it. This has had more presses on this episode

than maybe the previous hundred combined. My big, fat, sweaty fingers pressed all of it mama like that mama like that is that is there a place that you've been recognized that you absolutely did not want to be oh um oh i always just love it um i don't like honestly like i think people might assume it happens a bit more than it does but like you know when you really look like shit and like it happens so much like if i'm going to work i look a bit like this but the rest of the time the other 90 of the time i look like a tiny homeless little man and it's always when i'm like bombing about like that some woman like winds a window down like i fucking love your instagram and i'm like hello about like that. Some woman like winds a window down, like I fucking love your Instagram. And I'm like,

hello. And like, it's not that I don't feel like that best version of myself when I'm like in my little man status. It's just that I'm always like, how bad do I allow myself to look on my Instagram and stuff? If this is how you recognize me. I just always,

and then when I'm glammed up, no one even bats an eyelid. I think, oh, you need to try harder. That's one of the best things of your Instagram. Do you think? Yeah, I started following you after you came in

and you present kind of a nice reality compared to a lot of people. Like I know I just put the best bits on. I don't put the shit days on. But it's nice that you kind of allow yourself to be. That's so nice. I love you. love you oh thanks but it is great though because like what will happen sometimes is i'll be hung over and i'll accidentally open my camera on selfie mode and i'm like and then i see one of your posts where you've done it on purpose i'm like oh we're all in this together aren't we i

sort of think it's nice to show both sides of the coin like i know i whinge i complain but like honestly for years i was going on social media and actually just being made to feel worse about myself mate yeah all these perfect women and perfect men and perfect lives and bodies like you just feel inadequate don't you when you're on it so i sort of thought if i'm feeling like this as a 30 odd year old supposedly secure woman yeah then what's like a 20 year old lass feeling you know a 20 year old lad who hasn't worked himself out yet so that's what kind of inspired us to do it a bit but i've gone too far the other way now and i am just a lazy cunt the glam pictures are going to stop soon. It's going to just be the selfie.

I'm home over. Don't leave me alone. It's okay to feel this way. I'm not going to be like calling for the good ones back. Like, fuck this. Vicky, make it back to you. I'm engaged now. I don't have to, bitches.

You've been engaged since we last had you in? I know. Do you know what? I was literally just having a wee before. And I thought, what are they going to talk to us about I hope I don't repeat myself And everyone thinks I'm really boring But then I was like

Actually so much has changed I'm engaged now And I have brown hair What hair did you have last time Blonde wasn't it Yeah You honestly are just I'm loving you more and more

Yeah I was blonde Babe How could you not remember that This is what women do you know it was months ago it was months ago and we're friends she comes into the studio she's like you don't remember what hair color i had when i was when i last seen you four months ago what what the fuck adam why why why can you not recall why don't you love me what was my eyeshadow colour that day? Why? What colour top did I have on? Blond or brown's a big difference though, Babs.

Yeah, but like even when you were blonde, because I do remember it now, it wasn't like bleach blonde, was it? Well, I don't know. You might have to tell the front of me here that because it's all snapped off. Honestly, I've got a mullet. A fucking mullet underneath all these extensions.

It's incredibly depressing. I'd love to see you in a mullet. Honestly, if I get drunk, I will show you me mullet. It's so business in the front and party in the back. Sounds like such a euphemism. If I get drunk, I'll show you me mullet. It just meant me hair mullet. This me mullet. It just meant me hair mullet. This part mullet.

Tell us about the engagement. Oh, it was so lovely. Was it abroad? Did I say it was abroad? It was in Dubai. And we'd had a really shit Valentine's Day. And I can say this because I've put it on my Instagram and I told Erkan, like, the restaurant knows, he knows.

It was just crap. We, like, sat in this really fancy restaurant in London for three hours without getting anything to eat. What? I know. And we'd pick the later sitting anyway because I was like, oh, I bet you the first one's going to be chocker. And, like, I get hangry, me.

So I was like, let's go the later one and it'll be, like, a bit more chill. And it was still manic when we got there. But honestly honestly three hours and the worst thing was as well we'd ordered tuna tartare

and beef carpaccio both no cook both no cook starters that is another Geordie gem there both no cook no just carpaccio

oh carpaccio as well yeah sounds like a fucking Geordie fallback from the 90s David Ginola and Beef Carpaccio Dream Team yeah so anyway

like I just couldn't understand it so in the end I sort of said like fuck this we're gonna have to go like I'm miserable I'm starving

I want a Big Mac and we did just that so we got crisps and everything on the way mac and we did just that um so we got like crisps and everything on the way home and we had a bit of a laugh we made at stomach but when we got to dubai like went to this restaurant and there was like rose petals everywhere and like champagne and irkan the sly old dog and i didn't really think he had this in him bless him because he's many things but like a romantic is not one of them. Right. And he went, oh, it's because Valentine's Day was a real letdown. And I so fell for it.

Like, who Klein and Zinka? I was like, oh, God, babe, this is so lovely. And we drank champagne, and we ate calamari, and we had a bit of a kiss, and it was super lovely. And then when the sun set, he said, she'll go and take a picture in front of that big building there. I think it's the Burj or something. All the influencers do it.

Felt like a bit of a knob. But it was lovely in the end. So we started walking he started telling us how i was his best friend and i would been through loads together and i went are you fucking gonna ask me to marry you and he went shut up man i've got a speech and i was like you're fucking all right you can't do that to the man. What are you doing? Even if you knew. I half didn't know. He will have built that up.

What do you mean you half didn't know? Well, I was like, God, is he really? And then when he was like, shut up, I was like, you're fucking alright. And then he was like, oh, for God's sake. And just got on one night. You've ruined his moment there, Vicky. Do you know how much he will have built that up in his head for weeks and months?

He will have practiced with a bottle of fucking Vosine in the mirror. Like, he'll be like, right, so I'll say it like this. So you're my best friend. I love you. No, I love you and you're my best friend. He will have done that for days and days and weeks on end. And he's prepared it in his head.

Don't make us feel bad. You should feel bad. Well, fuck on end and he's prepared it in his head don't make us feel bad you should feel bad well fuck now if he's anything like me it won't it'll only be his first one you've got plenty more jokes you've been engaged three times this is my third time lucky fellows never married though no no okay um all the whole try before you buy thing in it yes i feel like getting engaged and like this is my opinion on it many women might tell us you know you can always say no it's just it's just embarrassing isn't it like to say no to say no like i almost feel like you know when someone's gone to the trouble of getting a ring and they're fucking in front of you and everything it's almost a bit like okay there you go Aircon he's different

obviously you're a bastard couldn't be arsed breaking his heart so I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him I really hope we do do you think

you do suit honestly that's such a nice thing to say because I know I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. I really hope we do. Do you think you do suit? Honestly, that's such a nice thing to say because I know I'm punching with him physically. He's so handsome. So handsome. And also just really kind in a way I'm not. Kind in a way I'd love to be. In what way are you not kind?

I try really hard to be kind. And wasn't when I was younger and like i always hate that i wasn't you know like got really upset that i wasn't a good person when i was younger and i don't know how it happened because i was brought up a nice person you know i lost myself for a bit so like i've always endeavored you know since i had this like epiphany moment that i wanted to be better i want to be kind and i want to be grateful and I want to be all those lovely things I appreciate enough as but I have to work at it don't get us wrong some days it comes naturally when you've had a good night's sleep and you're you're not on your period and you don't miss your mom then it comes easy but you know there's times

where I have to work Erkan is naturally nice kind lovely thoughtful all these things without even trying and he makes me want to be better wasn't that beautiful what i thought we couldn't you've picked the right ethnicity i'll give you that as well are you the same i'm turkish yeah oh boobs yeah i knew i loved him half turkish half welsh the dream combo is it yeah yeah dragons everywhere dragons and goats dragons in halloumi all over the shop. Shall we have a small little break and then we'll deal with some questions

that we've had specifically for you? No. Okay, that makes me excited but nervous. Yes. Hit the button. Which one? The big red one. This one?

Yeah. You know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally. But Manscaped have dropped a new ad. It's important. We love these guys. They've supported us, so support them.

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Don't shave your pet's balls. Just use it on yourself. 20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? Okay, we're back. Part two. Vicky, we told our Patreons that you were going to be coming in today

wants to know whether they had we did this last time as well and we had some specific questions for you um normally dan does the prep because he's not here uh i was meant to do it so thin did it bless you pop it it's all right it's a good thing you're here. So we've got, we had loads of questions. Harry's narrowed them down. So I've picked a couple here. This one's from Ryan Murhead, I think. Okay, don't be a dick, Ryan, please. And it is, what is one of the weirdest things

you've seen at an after party? Oh, right. So it's weird that he's mentioned this because I was literally just driving through manchester the other day and someone reminded me that this happened i went i've stayed at them apartments before i'm sure and it was me scotty thomas and he went yeah we did we had a wild one there didn't we and i was like yeah and he's like do you remember the lad who'd just been on x factor and i was like no i can't remember him he's like yeah he turned up came in and started singing his

song for us all. And like, we were all absolutely mortal. This is about four o'clock in the morning and this fella's just giving it like, I'm Simon Cowell. And honestly, I remember we all just sat there like eating Doritos, watching him, like half mesmerized, half traumatized. What song was it?

I can't remember now, mate. I think I've blocked it out. It was that horrific. Can't even remember who it was? No, nah. If you're out there, mate. I think I've blocked it out. It was that horrific. Can't even remember who it was? No, nah. If you're out there, mate, then... Sorry.

Has he got, like, to the final or was he just on...? No, I don't think... Like, obviously, I can't remember his name so he didn't exactly make any waves, you know? Bless him.

What do you think about... You know if you're ever at a party? Yeah. Right. When someone starts singing or getting a guitar out, is that a good thing? Or are you like, fucking hell? I don't know.

I think with stuff like that, you've absolutely got to read the room, haven't you? And if everybody's sitting there talking about their childhoods and that and planning fucking going to play tennis, you know it's not the right time to whip out your ukulele. No euphemism there. But it depends. If everyone's a bit spiritual

and getting deep and feeling it then why I like if the mood takes you do a bit of kumbaya but nah

I think across the board I don't want to hear anyone do live music when I'm off my head fair enough don't go to a gig for that I've only ever been

to one concert right have you who's Jerry Cinnamon oh god I'm not cool who's that he's a Scottish Go to a gig for that. I've only ever been to one concert. Have you? Who? Jerry Cinnamon. Oh God, I'm not cool. Who's that? He's a Scottish folk singer.

I retract my original statement about not cool. You're not cool. You're not cool. Guess where I went this year then? Where? Simply Red. Wow. Yeah, I know.

Carl would have loved that. Would he? Yeah. I took my mum and my sister. We had the tickets for years because of the pandemic. We couldn't go. And we finally got there and Mick Hocknell still would.

You'd fuck Mick Hocknell? I don't think anyone would have back in the 80s. So I don't know what you mean. Still would. Are you mad? He got all the fannies. Mick Hocknell done damage.

Google it. He shagged everybody. Fuck off. Mick Hocknell, top sh done damage. Google it. I shagged everybody. Fuck off. Mick Hucknall, top shagger. No chance. I'm telling you right now. I remember Martine McCutcheon telling us a story about that. You still would.

Wait, I? Are you having a laugh? I stand by me. It looks like the ghost of Cilla Black. What are you talking about? And this is him back in the day. Right, okay. Now, I can actually it looks like believe that

he did some yeah some back smashing back then do you know what it's not about the aesthetic guys you need to stop being so superficial it's about those silky sultry tones right just pull that first picture back up right so you're telling me you could look that face in the eye if you were single? So Erkan's gone. Yeah, okay. He's left. All right. He's left.

He's moved to Turkey because... Racist. I'm not a racist. It's where he's from, ethnically. He's moved to Turkey to help. He's running for government. I like his backstory. And apparently...

Has he met someone else? No, so what's happened is they've come in and said right i'll chin up and go look right you a big part of when you're running for president is that your sex appeal and you know like when they say to pop stars stay single yeah so they've said that to him and when they don't let the gay ones come out as well 100 it's that isn't it um so they're like look you're gonna have to you know just fuck vicky off once you're president maybe you can you know get it back but for now no vicky you need to cut off all contact and you need to allow vicky to live her life so i'm basically essentially getting some sort of like sexual rump springer yeah okay and this is how

i'm going to choose to spend it and then you get off of the night with mick hucknall right okay so because he starts a patreon and the 20 pound tier yeah of his patreon is a one night stand with mick hucknall so someone gets you that for your birthday good deal you're telling me you would enjoy oh yeah if he was serenading us at the same time i want to be if i'm shagging him. So he's fucking smashing away singing Holding Back the Years. I would prefer

pleasure at the fairground on the way. Boom, boom, boom. That's what I want to hear. He's got maracas in the between. Oh, I want to fucking show.

If I'm shagging a six-year-old I want maracas. So many of them today so many fair enough oh look at him man oh i kind of like him i feel like grandma he looks like your nan's mate doesn't he yeah absolutely absolutely we honestly stand by it look each to their own yeah you know when i'm hung over i've definitely sorted myself out to worse images oh i love how honest you are we sort of have to be on this now yeah we sort of made our bed and we've got a lie in it you've set a precedent haven't you yeah it's like if we tell any story with details omitted now yeah we get messages going come on what the fuck why are you holding this back i have to be slightly more careful on

these public episodes okay the ones that go on patreon where it's just me and dan yeah they are often chaotic and too honest and is that like after dark remember hollywood that's essentially what patreon is patreon and and this is already mental enough I was just going to say I almost feel terrified About what the things you say Well we've done drunk episodes on Patreon Well that's what me driver was saying Like half said

Oh I'm a little bit hungover And he was like You'll just get back on it there And I was like No one offered me a drink last time You're welcome to it If you want one I've got a drive

Funny What would you like to drink I would do the cafe patron because I know I'd like gold dust now okay have we got any of the little ones

that's such a big shot glass and you said you you said you watched some of Molly's episode didn't you yeah a couple of weeks ago she was on the patron

was she yeah I half fancy Molly I love her she ruined Dan We went out for a drink afterwards And Dan sort of bailed Very very early

Dan was in a taxi at 8pm Did the pressure get to him? Yeah That's fucking massive I poured it myself I don't know why I'm mad It's too big You chose that big

Well deserved You chose that, Vic. Well deserved. You help yourself to that whenever you like. There is also beer in the fridge. You're more than welcome to whatever you like. Our house is your house. That's what opened me goggles. That smells really good, actually.

Have we got another question? Yes. This one is leading on from the shocking club night you were talking about before. What's the one gig you've done in your career you wish you'd turned down? So meet and greets, TV, anything. There's a couple. So in terms of meet and greets,

I remember going somewhere in Scotland, right? And the specific club shall remain nameless because i'm still scared um but i got egged i got egged and someone threw a cup of piss at me the cup of piss missed but the egg hit wow i know how the same person if you both i don't know people have got two hands so it could have been but i actually feel like it was a joint effort if not that's a mad coincidence isn't it i also two people just right after each other egg and piss i think they definitely collaborated right yeah what was that club you were in scotland a couple of weeks ago wasn't that one was it foobar i think it was called oh i've done foobar like near sterling yeah yeah yeah i actually half like foobar Yeah we did We went on Paul Smith's Stag do

Yeah it was great It absolutely did not get egged in Fubar No We had the time of our lives in there It was fucking great Stirling's lovely That's where I got my engagement ring from Ah

I know It is a lovely little town I actually want to put a tour show on there Really Now that I've been there It's really nice The Scots can party The Scots can party

I've got such an affinity for them. I've got a story I've never told on this that was brought back into my attention last week. I actually told it on the Green Room podcast last night, but...

This is going out first. This is going out first. Fuck them. I'm mortal again. This is... I'm just going to go off the rails. That's all it took.

So, this is a gig that I probably should have never done. Welcome, Steve. Hello, honey. So this is about nine years ago. So I'm like two or three years into doing comedy. And the reason I've remembered this story, there's a girl I've been talking to and she told me, she told me her story of it,

right? And then it triggered the memory that I'd done the same event. Okay. So she's not a comedian. She's at the time worked for a magazine and she was sent to the poetry night in Leaf on Bold Street in Liverpool.

So they used to do a student poetry night every Wednesday or Tuesday, whenever it was. And she was sent to do a little piece. Are you okay? No. No, whenever it was. And she was sent to do a little piece. Are you okay? No. No, I'm not.

I tried to show off and I regret it. Give me a second. So, she's got the same thing that I have as a comic and most of my mates have. And I imagine you have a similar thing because you're in the world of being funny okay oh you know when someone is being really serious and you can't stop laughing at it like a funeral and you get the giggles and you're like oh god right so she's telling the reason to tell me the story is because that

come up in the conversation yeah so she'd been sent to do do a piece on this poetry night and obviously poets take themselves very seriously seriously and it's also a ridiculous art form that deserves no respect um but tell me how you really feel it's just people who would like to write songs but can't um can't sing yeah they can't sing. Yeah, they can't sing and they can't write it to music. Twats, okay? I might have been held. That's you told, Wilfred Owen. I don't know any poets. Is he a poet?

What did you say? Yeah, yeah. And then he progressed. And now he's got my respect and admiration. I feel like that's a very risky statement. Or he had it until recently. So, the poem she had to leave now you've got to understand before i say this when she told me this she was like please don't hate me because and i understand why she said that and i'm as a liverpool fan

and a scouser yeah i understand why she was nervous while telling me this story okay a guy got up on stage to do a poem called the 96 oh right really really serious about it but it was the worst poem of all time right so like i'll tell you one of the lines off thing because i don't want to be laughing at anything but like it made me laugh and i'm a liverpool fan yeah whose granddad was at hillsborough and survived. Yeah. Like, and I was like, right. She was like, I had to leave. Because everyone else was getting really moved by the poem.

And she was like, right. The laugh. She was like, shoulders start going. Oh, God. So I'm laughing at this story. And then I was like, I had like a therapy breakthrough. I was like, I've done the same gig. Right?

What, the actually same one? You were there? Not the same night but i i was booked to perform at that poetry night but to do stand-up right that's a bit of a change of like direction in it for the audience you have got no idea vicky patterson right so i get this is about nine years ago and i got asked i think it was a tuesday right and they go on tuesday can you come and do a gig for us At Leaf on Bold Street It's 120 quid

For 20 minutes And I was like Back then Like I'd probably do that now And back then I was like 120 quid on a Tuesday

In town 100% Right so I went down And I got there And I was like Is this a poetry night And she goes

Yeah yeah yeah Shh Right So I'm like But you know I do stand up She's like Yeah yeah yeah Shh I go How many but you know i do stand up she's like yeah yeah i go how many poets are on she's like 11 right oh nah so there's 11 poets on and then me you're

the headliner apparently so the first 10 poets go on to right the 11th poet was greeted like the pope in dublin right they went like he shined a have a weird live show like just so this guy goes on stage and i'm like what was so special about him that will be revealed oh okay i'm getting ahead of myself so he goes on stage right uh mike's in the mic stand and he goes cancer right so i look to the in the mic stand, and he goes, Cancer! Right? So I look to the girl next to me, and I'm like, what the fuck's going on? And why do they all love him?

And she goes, well, his mum died of cancer three days ago. No! And they're all here to support him. Oh, God, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Right? It's only a little bit to do with the shot. So he's telling this, he's reciting this poem through tears oh so he's like wiping tears to show the whole audience now and am i on after him oh my god and

the girl goes yeah you're here to cheer everyone up oh my god right so i go right okay so he does the poem massive applause at the end the mc goes back on and when i say mc he was a master of ceremonies he wasn't comparing and doing crowd where he would go on and go that was keith and here's john right literally john um so he goes on at the end to bring the guy off yeah and i swear this is how i was introduced so So he hugs the lad who's done, he hugs Cancer Boy Poem, right? Cancer Boy Poem. So he hugs him for what was probably 10, 20 seconds, but felt like an hour and a half, right?

Comes off, goes to the mic, and he goes, oh, my God. For him to do that three days after, and just... I feel like I'm actually going to cry. Anyway, I know a lot of you,'s nice any regulars will know we're normally strictly poetry but there's a comedian who wants to close the show oh my god so they made it sound like you fucking wanted to steal cancer boy poems

thunder it it looked like i turned up gone well he's fucking miserable well i'll cheer everyone up and he goes so please give it up for mr row so i've introduced us this pretentious mr row guy i didn't just makes you sound like a music teacher mr row yeah like who teaches people the clarinet do Do you not feel like Mr. O sounds like he would teach you the clarinet? Yeah. Absolutely. I used to play the clarinet. Did you?

Me too. Did you? Yeah. I got told to give up because I didn't have enough puff. What? We'll just leave that one to hang. I didn't have enough puff.

Like enough breath? Yeah. I'm asthmatic and I was fine. What the fuck? Are you sure you weren't just really shitting it and they were like

oh you haven't got enough air in your lungs no I feel like until you said that I absolutely accepted that is the right excuse but now I'm questioning

myself I've got a wicked three blind mice what a liberty I'm actually questioning my whole childhood, man. Your whole childhood? Your life's a lie. It's a big lie, mate.

Hitched on your clarinet. I thought I was wicked. What was the dream? Clarinet. Yeah. Is that what you wanted to do? No, I don't know. My older cousin played the clarinet,

and I thought I just wanted to be a bit like her. Yeah. Did you have any dreams when you were a kid? Did you have anything that you didn't end up doing what did you want to be oh I changed all the time like when I was really little um I wanted to be a teacher because all the people I liked at school they were teachers you know so you're half like just you know and then after that I wanted to have glasses because my best mate Jackie Anderson had glasses it was pretty big goal your dream yeah do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be hard of sight. Steve, can you make this dream come true today? Can I try them? Oh my God, how much do I look like Dan? Oh, that's so funny. You actually suit them.

Do you think? Yeah. See, now you can see why it was my dream. Yeah. You look like a librarian with them on. Do you think? Yeah. See, now you can see why it was my dream. Yeah. You look like a librarian with them on. Do you think? Yeah.

A sexy one or just a normal one? A sexy librarian, but on her day off. But always on. You're not that blainsty, are you? So how did the poetry night finish? Did it go as bad? I didn't just die. It was anger.

But back then, I'm talking nearly a decade ago, I had no second gear as a comic. So if that was now, I would come out of the routine and be like, look, we all hate me. And I'd do something about the crowd or make it about something else and make it not funny but relevant and say something or whatever. But back then, did you basically just have your show and you did it and you couldn't?

Yeah, I had 20 minutes of material and you did it and you couldn't, like, because you were just learning, I had 20 minutes of material and I did all of it in about 13 minutes. That's actually horrific. I don't think they should have put you in that position, you know. They didn't just,

there were students who didn't know what they were doing, but I left to like, the sound of my own footsteps. Like, they were not just silent, angry, but very luckily,

they'd paid me when I arrived. Oh, the dream. I don't think they would have not paid you like that wasn't your fault babe oh vicky like there's so many times where you get booked for a private thing like that where if it doesn't really go well yeah regardless of the situation they're like i'm not paying for that i've had i've had corporates where like dan's had them as well like corporate bookings like big companies and that big companies will

be like I'm not paying for that No And you have to get like Agents and lawyers and shit involved Why Do you know what Just as like

Not involved in that circuit at all obviously But as an outsider looking in Like I just would not embarrass myself Yeah By looking like I couldn't pay for something Like I'd be mortified to be that person Yeah It's why I won't

So I get asked to do weddings a lot I get a lot of messages going we're getting married next year would you do a set at our wedding and i always say no yeah i'm like my price for a wedding and it's never been any different and it will always be this is ten thousand pounds i'm like if someone gives me that i can't turn ten grand down because it's ten grand for the day's worth but you are essentially paying me to be comfortable with ruining the best day of your life i know that's a big like emotional responsibility because nana and fucking auntie jill don't like stand-up and you're gonna you're gonna force everyone likes

music so whether it's a band or dj in some regard there'll be something they can enjoy if you'll book me and i'm not like a vanilla comic anyway fairly abrasive on stage and whatever there's going to be certain people in their audience who are like what the fuck are you doing and the kid you can't sit down in front of children like it'd be awful that's a really divisive decision i think yeah so i'm just like i'm like i won't do it but if you give me 10 grand i will do you know who else said they wouldn't do a wedding, which I thought was really interesting? Who? Right, so you know Adele? Yes. The one and only.

Hello. So Adele, so basically Kate and Wills, you know them as well? Yeah. They're not my pals. He's going to be king. But yeah, they rang up Adele and were like, we love you so much, we're huge fans, will you do a wedding?

And Adele was like, what's the date? And they told her and she went, oh, I cannot have got my mate's barbecue that day. No, what a lie. Just didn't do it. Hang on. No, no, no. You can't just drop that story as casually as you have. Right.

It's true. So who told you this? I read it somewhere. Right. Okay. So William, future King William. Yes. And his lovely bride to be at

the time and now wife kate they are big fans of adele yes and they offered her the chance to perform at a royal wedding uh-huh and she was going to a barbecue in east london yeah i suppose so yeah i around there and she just couldn't make it she didn't she'd already booked herself she didn't want to double book. Okay, so I'd have done that wedding. Yeah, well... I'd have done that wedding for free and took a camera and... Yeah.

I'd be the most famous comedian on the planet now. But then I think, like... I'd have roasted Liz. Liz would be fucked. Not Lizzie. Yeah. Oi, that's a fucking liberty, that. She's an angel.

She's not an angel! Shut your mouth, mate. She's not. Lizzie's an... Well, she's a queen. How well that's, that. She's an angel. She's not an angel! Shut your mouth, mate. She's not. Lizzie's an... Well, she's a queen. She is a queen. You kind of go disrespecting Lizzie. I feel like grief the rest of them.

There's some definitely questionable characters within that royal family. But Lizzie, if the crown's to be believed, she's gave her happiness for our country, mate. Yeah, but she's also the mother of a nonce and potentially, allegedly, murdered a princess. That's a big allegedly, actually. And if my mam's to be believed,

she always thought it was the Queen Mother anyway. She never trusted the cunt. That's what she says. Are you a big fan of the Queen, are you a big fan of the queen are you i so it's not all the royal family like obviously i'm aware that some of them aren't very nice um but no the queen i like yeah and i just feel like i think loads of the crown is true yeah and it's like you can so tell by how upset they are about it every time it comes out that it's fucking fact you know loads of it and i just think isha has gave her happiness you know for her and i know she doesn't always get it right and all the rest of it and i know there'll be loads of people who don't agree with this but i just think she's class and

she looks lovely and green and now you see how happy she gets when she sees cows. I just love her for that. Our little Lizzie. I would love to live in your brain for 15 minutes. What do you like about the Queen? She looks lovely in green and have you seen how happy she is

when she sees cows? Anything else? Nah. Just those two things. Well, that went a bit Welsh, didn't it? It was the mention of cows fields i got confused i i don't in what way is she giving her happiness for like she's just she gets to sit on a big gold

chair all the time and just have a face on money and is that your idea of abject happiness it's not necessarily happy she must be happy but then i think so loads of the things that me and you take for granted like she never had the opportunity to do and i'm very well i think so loads of the things that me and you take for granted like she never had the opportunity to do and i'm very well aware she had loads of privileged things that we would never have to ask the next door neighbor to lend toilet roll until we got paid on wednesday no she didn't to be fair but as well like she was never allowed to just go out to a nightclub and kiss some fucking fella i i was saying recently that i think she should be allowed to do that now now that she's single again.

Right? I think she should. If that was me, I think I would just let loose. I'd be like, do you know what? I've been the queen for a long time. Me fellas left me, died. And I want to go and get some. Because people would pull the queen. I'm telling you, she could go to any student nightclub.

18-year-olds would be lining up. Pee till you pee. Imagine Lizzie and Pee till you pee. Just squatting. At her age, that wouldn't be very long, though, would it? No one's going to be mad at her.

Oh, I just love her. And like, he wasn't great to her. I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but again, based on facts I learned from the Crown, like he half cheated on her with them ballerinas all the time and that. Really so yeah he was quite promiscuous was the duke back in his

day oh wow i know so i just feel like it's never nice to get cheated on that's a bit of a liberty she was always having fallouts with her sister i hate even having a crossword with my sister so i can imagine that's shite and then you're kind of day right for doing wrong when you're the queen like everyone's always got something to say and look at the shit show of our life recently. Sons of whatever our son is, you know. Charles was saying he wanted to be someone's tampon mug. And then what about, did you not hear that? You're probably too young.

So his phone got tapped years ago. And this was when he was like half still with Diana. And he was on the phone to Camilla, who's now his wife. Half still with diana and uh he was on the phone to camilla there's now his wife still with her she just got in the tunnel and he just basically was saying on the phone it was a dirty phone call but he was saying i wanted to live inside you camilla i want to be your tampon i want to be your tampon i mean that is like gcse level dirty talking it's just shiting it yeah and that's who's gonna be our king see this i didn't know this and this lends into my theory.

So me and Dan have argued about this for ages, about whether the Queen and the royal family in general, you know, are dirty bitches. Oh, okay. Sorry, I went the wrong direction. Do you know what I mean? I reckon like the Queen, like, do you reckon, the debate we were having was just Queen and Philip.

Yeah. Did they ever sort of experiment or were they just like missionary vanilla I reckon they like fucking hung up do you reckon

PSX wings and that yeah and that I mean it doesn't sound like he's had a lot of training in his dirty talk he could actually do

some media training ironically enough it's just gross I want to be your tampon even tampons don't want to be tampons no it's just crap yeah and to be your tampon even tampons don't want to be tampons no it's just crap

yeah and she's still fucking married him I'm just putting it out there but that is what happens when you're like a prince or a king to be yeah

you can have shit dirty talk and people will still marry you yeah but was there anything from her that got leaked back because she might have been even worse

I don't think Camilla was ever that bothered about Charles was she I reckon that's the vibe I got you know she didn't really want to marry him that's how we ended up marrying commit um diana and like i think she just sort of married him in later life because she thought well you're gonna be king soon this is all like um speculation all speculation all speculation none of this is based in fact we don't know what we're talking about. Don't sue us, Liz. I would love it if Liz was a fan of Have A Word. Well, she's a fan of Have A Word. I'm a celeb, isn't she?

Is she? Do you not know about this? No. It's her favourite TV programme. So she knows you. Fuck right off. So she knows you. She would love me.

It's also very possible that she's become a fan of yours on the back of it. And that means if there was ever going to be an episode she would watch, it would be this one. And I've had her back all through this, so I stand by everything I've said. Yeah. Get on this. Do you know I was one 16 to one to marry Prince Harry?

Right, let's put you in the scenario. How are you chatting him up? Oh, I don't know, actually. I think I'd let me body do the talking. Like, dance up next to him or something Let me mad charismatic musk Just do the talking Charismatic musk The new fragrance by the Vichy Patterson

I don't know I've never tried anyone over Is that not how you do it? I want that poster making and putting on Twitter The second this episode is out A perfume advert with Erin and charismatic

musk oh I don't know how did Megan do it fuck me how did she do it I don't know they bonded over charity didn't they

that's boring gimps you don't need charity wear I do fucking loads actually yeah don't know why I acted

like I was too cool for charity there I absolutely love it I'm a patron for loads of charities okay so i was very nearly in there quite frankly was your favorite no god no did you put about no those other people cheryl cole was in there as well most everything so we've we've had experience of being backed by bookies for something that is completely sorry can i just park the car because you've just missed something there are they right so cheryl cole was in it and you followed that up by saying he must have a thing for dark-haired jordys do you think he compiled this list for

the bookies himself well it was obviously based in some stuff megan at the top megan at the top and then every dark-haired jordy you can find? Cheryl, Vicky, Charlotte in there, anyone? I feel like, in my head, it was definitely based in some sort of fact. Yeah. You reckon they rang him? What's your type? It's happening, Harry lad. Yeah. Who are you fancying? Yeah. In my head, that's exactly how it happened. And he went,

the bird from Girls Aloud, she's a lovely bit of kiss. And then they went, the one who's just won the jungle she's current me granny likes her she already approves I'm gonna meet her at a pee before you wee it's two tonight

jobs are good do you think you could have got on with him? yeah I would have got on with him and I think I would have got on with the Queen have you met any of the royals? Yeah, I would have got on with him. And I think I would have got on with the Queen. Have you met any of the royals? So once I was doing the Duke of Edinburgh when I was like about 15 and Sophie and Edward came to look at me Vicky sponge.

I didn't understand a word of that. Your Vicky sponge. Like a Victoria sponge cake. Oh, right. Okay. Fuck for that. I thought it was something to do with you. And a prince come down,

look at a 15-year-old sponge. No, it knew. I thought that was a new allegation against Andrew for a second there. No, it was Edward, and he was a proper gentleman. Was he? Aye.

He said my cake was light and fluffy. Oh, guys, what have I done it just rolls off your tongue and it's so brilliant to watch but occasionally it stops me and me tracks and that takes so fucking much well yeah and she was gorgeous

really lovely cake was light and fluffy and they were both class I think that's time for a break lovely. So yeah, the cake was light and fluffy and they were both class. I think that's time for a break. Oh actually, should we do an agony add-on?

Is that it? Yeah. So we've got, do you want to explain to Vicky what we're doing? So people really respect my opinion.

Yeah they do. So they write in and ask for it on their lives. So I give advice but I'd like your help with it. Okay. If that's okay.

So he's got someone who's written in. I put this off. Yeah. That just runs and runs, that one. It does. It's a very, very long one. Yeah. We'll see what people want.

So this is a good one. Hi, lids. Anonymous, please. I've been with my current girlfriend for nearly five years. Don't call her your current girlfriend. They don't like that. He's learning forks.

But I've recently found out my ex has started an Only Fans. I checked it out under a fake name as her and my girlfriend still keep in touch. I found myself preferring to watch this to fulfil my needs rather than do anything with my girlfriend.

What should I do? Oh, my. His missus must be terrible in bed if he'd rather fucking wank than fuck her in any regard. I feel like it's a proper forbidden fruit thing, innit? Yes. That's definitely what's going on here. And if the situation was reversed and he was with his ex and his current girlfriend was his ex, he'd still be pulling the head off it to her on OnlyFans.

It's not about the girl. It's about what's naughty, what you shouldn't have. Grow up, you dickhead. People want what they can't have. That's it. Let's just have nice, healthy relationships, man. I'm such a girl. I'm sorry, I'm such a girl. What sorry i'm such a girl what should he do though

that's what that's what he wants to know does he stop looking at it does he leave his girlfriend i don't think leaving his girlfriend's gonna help is it no i don't think it's anything about that girl i think she's probably really lovely and i bet you she's great in bed with a lovely nunny but i feel like you probably need to stop looking at anybody's only fans quite frankly and focus on making your relationship better would you right here's a question if you don't mind me asking hit me okay so uh your fiancee yep is he allowed to watch porn are you mad i don't even let him have his mars number saved in his phone what i'm joking is he allowed to watch porn um we don't really talk about it but if i wasn't around

and like the urge took him so to speak like i wouldn't have a major issue right okay so in every relationship i've ever had if i wanted to watch one any like that then it was fine yeah i think that's okay i think that's only fans can you subscribe to an only fans no so i think that's different okay why is it different different because I feel like I know loads of birds on OnlyFans. I feel like... What if it's a girl that you don't know, he doesn't know? It's just someone... No, because you're paying specifically for one person.

That, to me, feels cheaty. And I can't necessarily explain why, but porn, blanket umbrella. You know? You can be looking at anything. Yeah. Right? And I get that right but to subscribe specifically to one birds like only fans to me feels calculated and a little bit creepy

and i'm just not all about it i would feel upset that would be my personal opinion i know some girls are like fine with it and that's super progressive but i'm just not that progressive i 100 agree with you and i would love to sit here and argue with you it that's super progressive but i'm just not that progressive i 100 agree with you and i would love to sit here and argue with you it's very very rare that i can't this is this is the quickest any we never even solve anything this is the first time this feels like we're actually giving genuine advice yes fucking come on fuck you dan who would have thought it was dan taking off the rails um yeah i just i get it like i think porn as a as a general sort of you just need to get the demon out yeah fine but i think specific

especially because you can direct message them and it's like i like you uh yeah yeah it gets into like i think really really quite gray and seedy territory. But now if he stops, what does he do with his missus? Does he tell her or is it just deep in his recess of his mind? Absolute no good can come of him telling her, by the way. If he wants to stay with that, there is no good that can come of telling her. I think the VAR here is he's got to die with the lie. Because he isn't lying. He's lying by omission,

but he needs to stop looking at it and not tell her. Or if he wants to be honest, then be like, oh, look, I had a look at this, but she is going to probably... Oh, she'll finish him. Absolutely.

If she's like half the woman I am, she'll finish him like. But you know, maybe that's what he needs. Maybe he needs a bit of a kick up the arse. Is he really that happy if he's doing that? I don't know.

And he said that they're still in touch. How are they still in touch? Maybe they're in the friendship group. I don't know. Oh, God. Yeah, the girls are still in touch. The girls are still in touch. No, you're a dirty dog.

You, Ryan. Ryan? Is that what it's called? Anonymous, but sure. He could be called Ryan. You can call him Ryan. I just made him up. Yeah.

The last listener that wrote in was called Ryan. Oh my God, Ryan, I'm so sorry. I'm dragging you into this mess. No, no. We'll call him John. So John. Dirty John. Is, I think he's got to stop looking at the thing.

Agreed. And the fact that they're in touch is weird. Yeah. I need more details on that why are you fucking someone now who knows someone you've fucked before i know it's messy babe so i couldn't no yeah swerve swerve it off and i don't like telling people to lie but if you don't lie you're gonna be single so just know that that's a fact yeah i think you have to lie. But if you don't lie, you're going to be single. So just know that that's a fact. Yeah. I think you have to be aware that if you tell the truth,

which is always the best option, she's probably going to finish you. But then, you know, start afresh, babe. Go out with someone potentially who isn't in that friendship group. Really broaden your horizons. Yeah. Try your next door neighbour or something. Something less close to home.

Like your ma. Sh less close to home. At your ma. Shag your own ma. That's our official advice ladies and gentlemen. I'm subscribing to my ex's OnlyFans what should I do? Shag your mother.

Pound away at your mum's bag. Now we definitely need a break. What's happening ladies and gentlemen? It's Adam here. I'm here to tell you about our brand new sponsor,

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They're sick. Get back to the episode. Nigga. There you go. Getting really good at that. Fucking smashed it there. Callum Oakley's here. Press the applause button.

Woo! It feels like this is going to be a chaotic second half and we haven't even really started yet. How's your head, Callum? Fucking killing me, you know. It's still sore. Yeah. So you see this little cutat on Callum's head

Oh I thought you were Hung over I was like Join the club You want to see The little red mark Yeah I can What happened?

I bit him What the fuck Accidentally How do you accidentally Bite anyone? Well Lewis Diaz puts Liverpool 3-1 up

In the first leg Of a European tie Sometimes things get A bit out of hand I've done it to him no it was a Champions League game

so it felt like revenge to be honest did you feel like it was spiteful he did it wasn't so the other night Liverpool scored

a third goal we started celebrating and he was jumping and I was screaming so my mouth was open and he jumped into my mouth that's just your own fault terrible peripheral vision yeah it was badly and I was screaming so my mouth was open and he jumped into me mouth and

that's just your own fault terrible peripheral vision yeah it was badly but in the in the first time what happened it was Champions League when we played Roma

Roma yeah a few years ago on our way to losing the final oh emotional I jumped up and headbutted him

I had a black eye for three weeks did you? oh but I think that would have made you look a bit sexy a bit rough and three weeks. Did you? Oh, but I think that would have made you look a bit sexy, a bit rough and ready. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Did you get them to fanny? Yeah. I think I am. For weeks, I've beaten them all off. And they're like, doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that you're 17 stone and you haven't lost the weight yet.

It's the fucking black eye for me. That's exactly what they would have said. Look at his little scratch. I bet you're getting all the value as well. I'm not, you know. I think this might just be

a Geordie thing, you know. Yeah. I do like a rough and ready fella. Do you? Yeah, well then, I don't know how I've ended up with mine because he's prettier than me. But like,

a guy with a black eye, is that like a turn on for you? Well, I'd want to know how he got it. Would you? Yeah, my interest would be piqued. Put it that way. What's the best possible way you could have got it? Like imagine...

Fighting a shark or something. Fighting a shark. No, like protecting these women's honour or something. Oh, so like Will Smith? No. Nothing like Will Smith? No. Nothing like Will Smith. No. Like sort of in a bar and someone's pushed his bird

and he's tried to diffuse it nicely and then it's just escalated. So he's had to mediate it with his fists. Yeah, and lost because he's got a black eye. I should say the other fella. Even just that little story got me all hot and down the collar. I'm toxic. Is there any weird stuff like that about girls

that would sort of do it for you? Are you still single? Yeah, yeah. So what do you look for in a girl, apart from like, you know, tits, ass and a nice face? Someone who doesn't want me to fight with other lads.

Fuck. I don't know how good you could have had at me. I've never had a fight in my life. Never? I've never had one. I punched a kid in the face once in primary school,

but we both said, ow. She was like, I'd probably hurt me first. Yeah, people don't realise that punching someone does really hurt your hand I'd done boxing

for a bit as well yeah that was not great this is so masculine lads I'm so turned on Vicky's so wet right now in fact me clothes

are just falling off poor girl I've punched one kid once and you know I heard behind did some boxing what means you give up not fuck off punched one kid once and you know I hope he had did some boxing what means you gave up your dream of boxing

just hitting people I had I had my first fight in like a month from when I got weighed in and then I polished down on

because I just didn't want to fight so I was like the first kid that went boxing skinny and came out fat because I was good the first kid who went boxing skinny and came out fat because I was good

on the punch bags yeah because they don't hit your back do you think I can rally a punch bag like I went when I was doing

toast ball for Paul we were away like down south somewhere and we went to the gym and I was just levering this punch bag and he was like fucker you've got some moves

on you haven't you and I was like yeah but like I just can't do it on a normal human like if there's this punch bag and he was like fuck now you've got some moves on you haven't you and I was like yeah but like I just can't do it on a normal human like if there's a punch bag in front of me I'll defend you on a Vicky

if that says something I'll knock it out yeah I would still fancy you for that would you yeah I do look good doing it

do you yeah you see a little cut that's doing it for me he bites us again Adam sexual chemistry in this room is electric I can punch bags You know what I mean

Have you ever had a fight? I've had loads of fights I was a fucking world champion at one point weren't I? Have you done the boxing didn't you? What? You've done boxing I've done a charity boxing match I've done

And I've had fights when I was a kid I've had fights in town when I was a bit younger Yeah Like when I've done a charity boxer match. I've done, and I've had fights when I was a kid. I've had fights in town when I was a bit younger. Yeah. Like when I've needed to. Yeah. Have you ever fought someone's honour, a girl's honour? No,

I've sort of, like I've sort of come close to doing that with exes. When like, but my problem when it was, it was always my ex who was causing the problem. So, you know when you sort of feel like

right I want to defend you but at the same time I understand why they're angry like if I was in their situation I'd be calling you a cunt as well this is all too familiar for me are you a trouble causer? I used to be

you've all seen Geordie Shore Jesus Christ that was horrible. I had such a mouth on this man. But I actually had the stuff to back it up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was terror.

Yeah. Have you been in fight fights? Yes. I can't get in America. Can you not? No. Why? Are you being rejected?

Twice. I've apologised loads. They don't fucking care. Did you punch someone from the fucking embassy? I knocked out Joe Biden. I mean, that doesn't take much, does it? You can just blow on him. Oh, he is frail.

He's what? Frail. I thought you said unreal. Oh, no. Like a Mick Hucknall and Joe Biden. Fucking some weird kinks these. I've got some weird fetishes, but. Like a Mick Hucknall and Joe Biden. Fucking some weird kinks these, Mick. I've got some weird fetishes, but I draw the line at proper pensioners.

Pray tell. Mick Hucknall, child. That's not a fetish. Al Gingerfellas. There's the fucking fetish, Adam. Chris Evans and Mick Hucknall, the absolute dream tag team. I'm never getting back on this morning Lorraine's fucking deleting your number as we speak

I love Lorraine we've had a question about Lorraine this Is she sound? Yeah, she's class. We've had a question about Lorraine. Mate, this seems like a good time. It was for Callum. Please ask what

Lorraine Kelly smells like. This is important. Why? Do you smell Lorraine Kelly? I've never smelled Lorraine Kelly. I don't know why it said for Callum. Please ask what

Lorraine Kelly smells like. I feel like they know something that we don't and you're being really coy about it. If I ever smelled Lorraine Kelly, I would tell everyone. Me too. Me too. Don't know where that's from then. something that we don't and you're being really coy about it if i ever smelled lorraine kelly i would tell everyone i don't know where that's from then it's a fucking strange one isn't it

does she smell nice i can elaborate she's honestly great she smells rich she smells successful hang on she smells rich as in like money or like a strong scent just like somebody who's really well looked after like good like good um you know when you wash your clothes and nice stuff like when that's expensive like that good perfume nice products she just smells great i love her is that too much it's the level of insight you bring to every question just blows me mind you can tell she uses fucking bold non-bio none of that fucking biological shit

she's on the bold non-bio telling you yeah she sounds like a meadow she sounds like a meadow sounds like

smells fucking mental and shit it's very very rare In here That I'm the one Trying to keep things On the track

Very very very rare Where I'm like Guys can we get back To the Lorraine Kelly point Stop talking about What meadows sound like I said smell That shot

It's gone to me head Have another one Yeah what do you look for in a girl call them apart from the usual stuff uh i like someone who's like dead independent does their own thing do you yeah that's what i like uh because i don't want to have anything to do with them pretty much yeah i'll see you once a week yeah and then we'll have like conversation i i like i can't like text and i can't text you know get so bored with texting when it's just like paragraph after paragraph oh i'm a proper serial text to me i love a little i'm with you just call me up no oh my god you're an old soul for that i'm with you

callum oh yeah yeah 100 never call me without texting me first to let me know you're gonna call me and then i can say no don't call me what would you call me for don't ever call me without texting me first to let me know you're going to call me. And then I can say no. Don't call me. What would you call me for? Don't ever call anybody, man. Never. But you're on the voice notes. Aye, I like a voice note.

That's different. I didn't have to listen to the other person's side of it. It's all about me. That's such a great point. I ain't taught no one to drop such a fucking love note. I was on him. It's fucking true though innit you just have a nice time

and then you put your phone down yeah voice notes is like we said this very early on with Justin Moore a voice note to like having a phone call but in your own time

and you can just like you can sort of that's a nice way of looking at it it's just it's well better calling someone is mental illness what are you doing

I am very mentally ill yeah I know well then go and see a therapist And start with this I tried But she cancelled on me You got ghosted by your therapist She went on sick leave

After two sessions Oh Babs Do you want to talk about it? We can therapist you Should we do it now? Is that the verb? We can therapist you I don't think that's the verb.

What is the verb? Therapize. That's my guess. I would have just said, we're here for you. And then I would have done that face. That doesn't sound very professional, does it?

Does it? Is it creepy? We're here for you. No, I think that's... Yeah, it does look a bit weird that way. Is it because we both did it together? Join us. Oh, fine,

then we'll fucking therapize you then. I'm thinking of going to therapy this year but I just know I'm not going to have any respect for them so I'm not going to listen to them.

Do you know what I mean? I know what's coming. I know they're going to be like and that means this and I'll be like you don't really know that though do you? Because I've lied to you

since I've sat here. If you go with that attitude you're just wasting your money and their time. Yeah but at least I'll get to say I'm in therapy which is what all the cool kids are doing these days. Yeah but all the cool kids are doing these days yeah but all the cool kids are

just actually working on themselves hon oh wow have you ever been to therapy i go all the time i'm fucking mental all the time i've got loads i've not just got one i've got two and i've got a life coach you've got two therapists and a life coach and two personal trainers how did you not call your book that that's my next one yeah I've got loads man are the therapists for different things

or are they both just general therapy so I actually see a couple they therapise me not the right word I just don't know what it is as a couple they they uh therapize me not the right word i just don't know what it is as a couple like they sit and listen to me as a couple oh shit and then i have a life coach and i have yeah like two personal trainers who also act as life coaches

as well right right right right you go to therapy and there's a couple yeah as in they're in a relationship yeah married for years man and they are you talking about your parents no they're actually split up sorry so they both sit there yeah and you talk to both of them yeah do they ever disagree on the advice all the time they're great for it no they're great for it because did you find your therapist on gumtree because this sounds dodgy as fuck they're so famous my therapist like they're like celebrities in their own right they're fucking sick what are they called they're called the speakmans they're amazing they're on this morning oh my god they're on this morning they are mental they are they're insane i've seen them amazing the cure phobias and everything.

I started seeing them before I went into the jungle. And before I went in the jungle, I had issues like control issues, anger issues, like cockroach issues, which is exactly what it sounds like. And honestly went on to win it. Like I credit them with loads of stuff. They helped me become the person I am today. I've got loads of time for them. And therapy in general, mate. I'm such an to win it. Like, I credit them with loads of stuff. They helped me become the person I am today. I've got loads of time for them. And therapy in general, mate. I'm such an advocate for it.

This is not what you wanted to hear, is it? This is not on brand. I want to keep slagging them off. It's not funny. No! Vicky, that's all well and good, but they look a bit weird. Like, what happened before, yeah?

It's like a paper when you go and see them. oh that was the wrong one um i think i'm gonna go but i just don't think i'm gonna be able to take their opinions i i'm very very very single-minded and it's hard for me to... So I've got to find someone who I respect enough to listen to them, and that's rare. But it's all about finding the person that works for you, isn't it? It's like anything. So you've got to find someone who is on your wavelength, that just works, who you will respect and will get you.

And there's someone out there. There's someone out there for everyone. And it won't be week one. It'll take a few weeks for you to find out whether you like them or not. But don't go in lying. It's not ideal. Yeah. Do you have a therapist?

I do. I love that for you. Thanks. That's a king fucking move, babe. Thank you. Get help. I just, I think it'd be fun to go to a therapist. Right.

And make the whole thing up. Like, I know it's technically a waste of money and whatever, but I do think it would be fun to just see at what point they call bullshit. Like, how far can I take it? How far can my childhood

have been ridiculous? What country could my dad have fled from? You've told mental stories already. I know. I get away with it with Dan. I get away with it with Dan. Dan thought I had a stalker. Oh yeah, that was funny. Like, I reckon I can get away with it with Dan I'd get away with it with Dan Dan thought I had a stalker oh yeah

that was funny like I reckon I can get away with it I reckon I could sit opposite a therapist for a full year and come up with the most ridiculous story

and then right at the end of it be like right no let's just start again and also that doesn't count so you owe me a free year oh

I mean whatever floats your boat but I just feel like you could spend your time doing other things couldn't you it would be fun though wouldn't it and if I tried to go in and just be me and sort stuff out I'll end up lying anyway, I lie to my fitness pal everyone lies to my fitness pal

why are you losing weight? I don't know. This is a cherry Coke Zero, MyFitnessPal. Oh, go, go, go, go. Yeah, I went on my run. I went on my run. I need five more steps to hit my goal. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Why are you wanking off your phone? Because if you shake your phone, it adds steps to your stepometer. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Why are you wanking off your phone? Because if you shake your phone, it adds steps to your stepometer. Does it? Yeah. No. Yes. Oh, my God.

That's sneaky. You took my phone there. Yeah, I'm doing it. I broke my fitness pal because it's like, you should be losing so much fucking weight with the stuff you're putting in here

and you putting it on. Go on. No. Is it all in the wrist? I've not got as much practice, obviously. Fuck off! So is it the up and down, is it? You don't have to move your body

The audio lessons are going to be loving this You just have to move your hand Well it's not going up on me Yeah it is Fuck it's on it did You're an evil genius by the way I know all the tricks It's aligned to your phone

That was a good one it's the first lull in three years of doing this podcast it's the only time anyone's ever gone well we we wrapped that one up well done everybody

natural end of the road bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye Central end of the road. Callum, pleasure to have you in. Cheers, mate. First time on the couch. I wanted to talk to you about Britain's Got Talent. Yeah. Because obviously, I know you will have spoke about this a million times before, but not with our listeners

you went on it when you were dead young we watched your video at lunch yeah I thought it was cute I've never watched it have you not

nah do you want to watch it now no have you not watched it never I remember I went to a house party once and they put it on the TV

oh that's muggy and everyone watched it and I just left I was like I can't watch it I don't blame you I just hate it yeah I just hate me on was like I can't watch it I don't blame you I just hate it yeah

I just hate me on there yeah I didn't love it no why is that like an awkward one

the worst thing as well is because obviously Pudsey won it was Pudsey the dog yeah but I got to the semis and the person who won my semis was a guy in a hula hoop and i'm just like it doesn't do great

for your confidence yeah that would hit yourself a grown man with a hula hoop which is made for little girls like was better at being talented than you were but then how old was it you were so young babe weren't you like you were just starting off 16 that's a baby jesus christ are you saying how old was the hula hoop guy as if the older he is the more impressive it is i'd actually say i'd argue the exact opposite no i feel like if you're fucking 88 and doing a hula hoop that's kind of impressive that's good go i'll give you that actually i think there's like a bit where it peaks. Yeah, definitely. Do you know what I mean?

I think like it's a trough. So hula hoop, impressiveness with a hula hoop starts up here at like six and then it comes slowly down as you age up. But then you hit like 60 and it just goes all the way back up into infinity. If you're 122 and you're getting to the semifinals of Britain's Got Talent using a hula hoop,

fucking fair play, June. Yeah, I agree. That's never been said before um so you got to the semifinal yeah and then you sort of exposed to this massive audience at the age of 16 yeah and I remember because we met when you started doing like open spot gigs for Hot Water. Yeah. And stuff. What was that like? What did you feel like going into the world of stand-up as a kid? Fucking stupid. Oh, bad. No, it was.

Like, because I auditioned the year before, and I never got through, because you have to go to, like, the producer's thing. Yeah. And I was like, okay, that's sound, because I wanted to, like, when you do stand-up, you've got to start, like, under the radar, go slow, do all the shit gigs, build up, get better, get better. That's what I knew at 15. I was like, that's what I want to like when you do stand-up you've got to start like under the radar go slow do all the shit gigs build up get better get better that's what I knew at 15 I was like that's

what I want to do yeah and then the year after they got in touch with me saying we're looking for comedians come down and audition and um my parents are like well you may as well like you're not going to lose anything so we just went got through the producers got through into the live stages and that but it was just like because I was 16, still in, like I was in sixth form. I was just never exposed to the world. So I was getting like a lot of positive things. But when you get an abuse at 16, you don't really know how to deal with it because. I feel like that's just horrible.

Yeah, but when you say abuse, you mean people tweeting and stuff? Yeah, yeah. Just people giving me shit like, which I understand because when you're out on tv there's going to be people who don't like you that's just life i know but that's a really young age to have to get your head around that yeah because i had to get my head around that at like 22 23 and it really messed me up like i really struggled so i can only imagine how much harder that would have been 10 years younger a difficult pill to swallow babe yeah it was tough um i'm like i'm it's taught me about eight years to get like fully around at all as in get your head around the way people sort of like treat you yeah like i'm like all my mates like loving me now like rope like we all like everyone rips each other yeah and like i'm like

i'm i think it's because i got it like at such a young age where i'm just not arsed anymore yeah like because i could just compare it to how it was back then there's like there's no way i can feel like that again do you know what i mean so it's just like wait it's a big part i think of like a working class mentality is people abusing you you don't't know is horrific. Yeah. But I can say the exact same thing they have to you. Yeah. And you take it

as like a compliment. Yeah. Like, because you know that your mate wouldn't say that if he meant it or thought it

or whatever. You're just trying to make your mates feel like a bit of a cunt because it's a funny thing to do. Like the lads, we've been mates

for like a decade now. Yeah. And the lads at the comedy club in Liverpool that we've sort of grown up with and all sort of

came through the ranks together we're fucking horrific to each other but we're even more horrific to the people we actually don't like outside the circle who were never involved

in the night's house I think all mates all good friends rip each other me and the lasses are exactly the same we call each other worse than pickpockets

but if anyone else does it fucking war betide them did you say we call each other worse than pickpockets. But if anyone else does it, fucking war betide them. Did you say, we call each other worse than pickpockets? Wait, aye? Is that a phrase? Aye.

What's it mean? Well, you pickpockets are kind of shit you'd think they'd be called, innit? So we'll call you worse. Fucking pickpockets. I don't know,

it might be an old one, that. I've got a couple quite old ones. Like, I'm a bit of an old soul. What else have you got? Well, also, I don't know if this is, like, Geordie. I've got a couple of quite old ones. Like, I'm a bit of an old soul. What else have you got? Well, also, I don't know if this is, like, Geordie or not, but if someone's acting themself, you say, she's working her ticket.

She's working her ticket. Working her ticket. You should have a bit of a worky ticket, her. She's a worky ticky. Ah, worky ticket. She's just working her ticket. Is that a Geordie thing, is it? It's definitely not in my world.

What does it mean? It just means, like, like oh she's just acting herself being a bit a cheeky bit naughty worky ticket. No? No. Never in my life.

You'll probably have a load of the Scouse ones from when you were in Liverpool. When you lived in Liverpool did you have Scouse mates? Yeah loads. Yeah. So you'll have picked up

a lot of the Scouse lingo. I remember we always everybody used to say oh it's Boss that. Like that was the one I got Boss. Can't think of anything else what else would i know um do you know what snide means why i like faking that oh yeah i mean a little bit of a liberty a bit a bit so oh she's snide she's snide she's being a bit of a knobhead yeah and if you're sniding off it

means you were with us and now you're going and playing with them on the playground sniding off sniding off as you're off with them yeah I think also a bit shit like Paddy the Baddy in his post fight interview was eating pizza

and called it snide because it was a bit of a shit bit of pizza so there's many different layers to that yeah we have that we have ambiguous words in Newcastle as well

yeah just lazy slang and you can use it for howeys one isn't it howeys exactly one because that can literally mean get in fuck off yeah don't believe ya yeah or can use it for howeys one isn't it howeys exactly one because that can literally mean get in fuck off

yeah don't believe ya yeah or get in the car yeah howe howe

howe it's all in the inflection you've got to be very careful yeah oh really yeah right so let me try and do a

get in the car howe great pop on perfect I'm in there I'm in it with ya I want you to pack in doing what you're doing.

Howie! Yeah! Oh, you're quite good at this. Right. I don't believe you. Howie. Yeah! Are you like Paul Jordan?

He's very good at it. And what's another one? Yeah, football team have just scored. Howie! Howie! What about your football team has just scored Howie Howie What about the Your football team Has just conceded Howie

Exactly Bob on Honorary Geordie me As a proper Queen of Newcastle I make you an Honorary Geordie I don't know

Are you as confused As me as what's going on Howie is the Geordie's version I know literally What's going on? Howie is the Geordie's version of him. I know literally what's going on, but this feels like a fever dream. Have you seen Donnie Brasco, the film? No.

So he has to go and sort of infiltrate an Italian mob in New York. And you know, like, forget about it. Yeah. Forget about it. Like, that can mean a million things. Geordie's have that as their forget about forget about forget about how we are we are you any good at scouse accent nah did you not pick it

up um oh i did this last time man the only thing i can say is grace and katie and i think i heard that on i heard it on what's that? One where the woman was under the patio. Rook's Hang. A home in the sun. Yeah, I heard it on that. So tell us, you've come out of Britain's Got Talent. Yeah. And you're going to the world of comedy. And then you sort of went off on one for a few years, didn you like mentally and yeah took loads of drugs and that took loads of druggies yeah it was

great do you think that was a bad thing or a good thing i don't know but i got for you i well so but it was i thought i had to come off the scene when i got booked for a corporate gig in cyprus and i was hosting it and Stavros Flatley were on and I was like yeah I don't really want to be doing

these type of things I just died on my arse I used to get called Stavros Flatley in school sometimes or both of them yeah if you pull a picture

of Stavros Flatley up you'll sort of see where they were coming from I think it's just basically look at these creepy cons again I'm going to put a picture of snap it up flatly. You'll sort of see where they were coming from. I think it's just basically, look at these creepy cunts again. No, fuck off. I'm going to put a picture of them in the episode. I, um...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you did it. Which one are you meant to be? I think I was meant to be the little one. I hope so, anyway. You did it, boo. Well, who's the... There's one who half looks ripped, eh?

I think that's him Now that he's gone on Oh is it Yeah Yeah Oh I'd tell everyone It was that comparison mate I was like yeah It's handsome fucker

Tell us what the druggy is They were just mental Like So my mate was in uni In Stoke Oh my god Stoke's got a uni I think Yeah I think it's got likeoke's got a uni oh i think yeah i think

it's got like the stoke trent uni or something yeah that's the one yeah i i read a story in the independent right on about stoke only fucking story i've ever read in the independent right so don't think i'm like being highbrow and out but it was that right get on this do you remember dust no i'm not joking mate no I'm just laughing at the idea that the independence is high bro oh is it not

it was to me it's just a normal paper is it oh I thought it was really good anyway just because it wasn't like the Daily Mail

showbiz section I thought it was high bro but anyway yeah so they went this thing this drug called like monkey dust or something

I forget the name of it now anyway it was manufactured in Liverpool by Scousers and it was so detrimental to your health that scousers wouldn't sell it to their own so they were shipping it to stork and selling it to people in stork and it was making you like rip your scrotum clean from your body and that like these people turned like they were like going being admitted into hospital because they were like losing their mind but had the strength of 10 men in that there They were brain nurses and everything.

And that was stoke. Did you take that one? I might have, because I took something that made me climb a gate. I'm telling you right now, you were on monkey dust and you still got your sack. Did it get caught on the gate? People were ripping them clear from their bodies, lads.

Honestly, it was like an epidemic. So was it called monkey dust because it made people act like monkeys? Don't know. I don't know if I've got that name right. Can I ask the lads to Google it? You can ask the lads to Google it. Go ahead, go on, ask.

Who the fuck am I? Would you please Google that drug, boys? Monkey dust leads to hallucinations and can cause severe paranoia. They're often trying to climb buildings and lash out at anyone around them. Oi, oi. I climbed like a massive gate

and I fell off it and landed on my knee. Monkey dust field. My knee just hasn't recovered since. Has it not? Fucked. You're lucky you've still got your balls in it. Honestly. Yeah, Callum, look on the bright side.

Your knee doesn't work, but your bollocks are still intact every cloud is going to fill my life well that's actually made me feel

so much better come to me come on a positive spin on everything absolutely everything oh me fucking my whole family died in a house fire

the dogs ran away. Me car's up for renewal. I can't afford it. Well, look, love, you've still got your bollocks haven't you? On the bright side, Bob. And so you've,

the past couple of years you've been opening for Paul Smith on tour. Yeah. That must have given you such a massive amount of experience now. And you're now going back and doing a lot more circuit gigs yeah because i hadn't seen you around for a while which is why you haven't done this yet yeah because we're good mates but

you just haven't been in my mind because i haven't really seen you but you seem to be popping up more and more and more now yeah so you're doing more stuff yeah yeah i just like because i've done the britain's got town thing it was loads of exposure i wasn't ready for it and then when I like and then I was like I'm going to stop doing stand-up so I got a job in retail but where did you work? worked in vans oh my god yeah okay

I can see that um and then remember when you used to get me 50% off yeah I've still got it have you? can I go with that? box you off get a no face as well

what? you just became even more attractive I love a man with a cut on his head and a discount code for vans it was the north face actually that did it oh sorry fucking vans who do you think I am yeah they are shit like

yeah so then I worked in retail I got recognised as well When I was in there Some lad was like Oh you're a comedian And I was like Yeah

He was like how's it going I was like yeah dead well But I got to the side seven years Just trust me There's worse places to be recognised Oh god It's from before Oh right okay You weren't here Trust me, there's worse places to be recognised. Oh, God. It's from before.

You weren't here. We have a little PJ. A little PJ. Yeah, and then so I was like, I'll get back into it. So I started on the open mics again. But people knew me from the Britain's Got Talent thing. So it was just, I I just fucking done everything backwards. Yeah.

It was just mad, but I just got like so much experience and I don't even feel, like 26 now. Yeah. Don't feel like I've started yet. Yeah. You know what I mean? But yeah,

doing the tour for Paul and that, like Paul's been great with me. Everyone at Hot Water, yourself, Paul, Binti, Blair, proper like looked after me,

took me under the wing and that. So I'm just so grateful for that and Paul was like because he could have got anyone to them tours yeah because they were literally

like the biggest theatres the Echo Arena yeah and he was like yeah come and do it yeah so I'm just proper grateful for that

do you feel like your confidence has grown again now because that must have been a bit of a knock that at such a young age yeah I feel like I'm

like 99% good do you know good i mean i love that for you thanks you're welcome babes what's gonna do what's gonna take to get that last one percent where does that come from like when you look at the future self-love what what what can come to give you make you feel whole again why do i feel like you're taking the piss out of me i'm sort of taking the piss out of your life coach if anyone am i bringing too much of a feminine energy to this podcast you're bringing a very much needed feminine energy to this podcast actually i've thought about getting a life coach i think i can just do it myself. I'm quite good.

Sounds like the right approach to have, definitely. Your confidence is like a million percent. I don't think you need a life coach. You put your mind to anything, you'll do it. I think my life coach would be like, you need to calm down a bit, actually. Let's be realistic with these goals. Doing a podcast live show at Anfield is insane. It's not going to happen, Adam.

Thanks, mate. Here's your money. See you later. doing a podcast live show at Anfield is insane it's not gonna happen Adam that's what I need I wonder if that's out there I need someone to fucking pipe me down a bit is there like a reverse life coach I feel like that's not mostly just your birds like your bird does that don't you I didn't know you knew my access actually fucking bang on, though. You must have spent a fucking lot of time with them. I think that could be a thing. Someone to just nag you. Yeah, just fucking sit me. Just, hey. She can't have no fucking time. Carl's that for you, though, isn't he? Yeah, but not anymore. be a thing just neck you yeah just just fucking simmer just hey

she can't have no fuck calls that for you though isn't he yeah but not anymore he used to be but now because he's involved with this

and this is the biggest thing in the fucking arenas and shit now Carl texts me he's like we're gonna buy a bar me and Carl are

actually gonna buy a bar in the film oh my god I would go we're making that little speakeasy little exclusive place fuck right off so it looks like something else outside.

Yeah. Oh, buzzing, what's your little secret element going to be? A garage door. Oh, I'm living for that. Yeah, I love them. Yeah. I went to one in, where was it? I think it was Cape Town once.

And like, oh, it was through a little chocolate shop. It was the duck's nuts, mate. It was so sick. Duck's nuts. Yeah, duck's nuts. Class. chocolate shop it was apps it was the ducks nuts mate it was so sick yeah ducks nuts class i love it like years ago i said to carl let's buy a garage and turn it into a little shit barn he's like we haven't got the money don't be stupid but we have now and we see him on the other day we're like should we just get it because we run run... Where is it going to be? In Liverpool.

Like city centre? Yeah. Oh my God, I'm actually so excited. This is going to be our December Bar Crawl, isn't it? Very possible.

I am buzzing with tits. Because we run like little secret comedy gigs every now and then. We don't advertise it. We just put them on and then if people find it, they find it

and they're always full. Kind of like a comedy treasure hunt. Yeah. So like, we're going to try and do that in the new place. Because we're just going to call it The Speakasy and the gig is going to be called easy speaker to speakeasy nice that's a bit wordy that yeah maybe we'll work on that

just saying after a couple of drinks you never get married right let's have a break and then we'll do some questions Easy, easy. Right, let's have a break and then we'll do some questions. What do you want us to press? The one I've asked you to press four times every time we end the section. Big fucking red one. Yeah, the big fucking red one.

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Again, that is athleticgreens.com slash have a word. Again, that is athleticgreens.com slash have a word. Take ownership of your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance today. Back to the pod. Fucking smashed it now, haven't you? Part four. We're here for part four. Now, Callum, we got some questions from our listeners.

They know you were coming in. They knew Vicky was coming in. Finn's done the prep because, well, if he didn't do it, no one would have. Finn, what have we got? Yeah, so a lot of it we've covered, so I've gone for something a bit different. What is your best story with, have a word, legend Jamie Hutchinson? Oh. Last night's story was quite funny actually

while you think of that yeah I'm gonna tell them what Jamie did to you last night yeah so so last week

Callum went down to Hot Water Comedy Club with some new material uh huh and there's always a risk with new material that it doesn't quite get a massive laugh

oh yeah it doesn't get I guess like a muted one rather than a big one because it's not it's brand new it should still be funny because any professional comedian you know to come up with an idea it's very rare that it's also dog shit and gets absolutely fuck all from the audience of course however callum's a very special guy and oh my god

what did you do he just did a joke that just like when you see it you understand why it got fuck all because it's so unbelievably badly thought out and not even really a punch line um and he did it last week and it got fuck all and the audience looked at him like he had seven heads like what was that right so jamieinson who is a Hathaway legend you might have seen some of the clips that he put out from when he was on

we were hanging out yesterday and he told me about Callum's joke and Callum's laughing as he is now and then I paid Jamie Hutchinson

100 quid last night to go on and open his own set with Callum's joke let me guess did it absolutely slay no it got fuck all again

there's no there's no comedian, Billy Connolly couldn't make this routine work. Is it dead now? Completely dead. Yeah. The pair space of 2022, never to be seen again. Fucking horrific. You cannot win them all son at least you've still got your balls it's so true it does make you feel better it does you've been mates with Hutchie for a long time like really close yeah we uh yeah we've been in some states we've traveled we've stayed in the bed many times together yeah oh my god like i'm sorry i love you jamie but he stayed in my spare room last night and i'm worried about that bed never mind being in it yeah he's got the smelliest feet yeah yeah what is the order just like pure cheese

like in a nice way like an expensive cheese yeah like a blue cheese dip with some buffalo wings oh like a nice extra smell of my room yeah i'll just close it off fuck that ah should have changed those sheets this morning before i left go on what what story have you you've got quite a few few with hutch right so i remember there was a time we went on a night out in liverpool and we went to ink when tony was there yeah and it was me hutchie paul blair and paul smith and we were all in there and then when the like the night finish we all came out and hutchie went oh i've left my coat inside and we got sam we'll ring tony up tony never met him before By the way

So Paul Smith Was on the phone to Tony Going Hutchie's left his coat In the club So just for full context there Tony Carroll Is the co-host

Of Hot Water's podcast With Jamie now Okay And Tony also has ran Nightclubs at Liverpool's theaters Right So And they're all also comedians

Okay So that's how we all know each other Yeah So Paul Smith rang Tony Going oh Hutchie's left his coat In the club And Tony was like Like who's he Like what does he look like They're all also comedians. Okay. So that's how we all know each other. So Paul Smith rang Tony going, oh, Hutchie's left his coat in the club. And Tony was like, like, who's he?

Like, what does he look like? And then Paul went, oh, he's built like a trifle. And then Tony went, oh, you had to see him now. I need to know what this man looks like immediately Is the telly on? The telly is not on You can pop the telly on

That's the remote Someone Google the trifle man please So this is a still from him on our Upcoming blind date Which came out on Friday Sign up to Patreon Patreon.com Slcom have a word pod

thanks jamie um you need to get like a full bod shot tell you what you might not think much beneath that you might not think much of him now but in 50 years you're gonna fancy the fuck out of it i'm gonna let you wear me like a hat son there he is oh yeah in your jumper in my jumper i see he's trifling now i absolutely adore him you know he's fantastic yeah yeah like you can have like the worst day ever and then you'll talk to him like you could say your mum's just died and he's probably had a worse day and it'll just make you feel better. You know one of those people

who's got like constant tragedy that he makes humour from? Yeah. That's what you're dealing with with Jamie and it's great to be around because it makes you feel really good about your own life. Yeah.

And he gets us round him. So, yeah, he's a good guy. He sounds great. I'm not sure that's the healthiest like relationship basis ever. No? No. What does the life coach think?

Fuck. Tell me what they all think. I feel like you're taking the piss over us again, quite frankly. I've already fucking told you I'm barred from America so I don't know how you're working it. Got nothing to lose. Did you say we had a would you rather? We do have a would you rather. I'll have a would you rather if you don't mind so what this is from ben uh wag wag lids a quick one but a stolen one if your toilet became sentient would you rather it crave your shit or resent

every second you were sat on it the toilet yeah so my toilet can now it's got emotions yeah and it can feel it can feel so do i want it to crave me shit yeah which would you rather can it talk uh yeah can it express its emotion yes let's say yes it makes a noise what the fuck am i doing here that's so making history that's weird that one come on it is weird that one's a weird one babe it is a weird one we asked we asked for more mental questions a few weeks ago because we were getting loads of the same old crap so this is your fault so imagine your toilet right i'm i'm completely like i've got my head around the concept it's just still i can say i know babe i know what it So, like, would you rather it be like, ugh, every time you're shitting it, or unhappy?

No, you've got, it's just nice to feel validated and desired regardless of the circumstances, isn't it? So I definitely wanted a crave for my shit. Yeah, no one wants a whinging toilet. No, the fuck, it's like, just do your job. Fair enough. So. What do you think, Callum?

Well, does the toilet start shouting if you're not shitting enough? I think it's like groaning. It's like, it's either grunting, like if it's enjoying it, or it's groaning. Terrific. Yeah, I'd have a crave.

You want it to want you. Yeah. Yeah. Unanimous on that one. Cool. We're solving stuff today. Next question, one that makes vicky feel slightly

more uncomfortable next question i think i think we uh vicky can relate to this in a jolly way this is mainly about being scouse so uh this is from the goat dan johnson or one of the goats i elid americans build their whole identity on i'm irish i'm italian blah blah and it's perfectly acceptable for them to claim to be from that background my dad was born in liverpool and my grandparents and all that side of the family from liverpool i'm a liverpool fan a fan of scouse comedy musicians and whenever i'm in liverpool uh just feel like walking around is who i am i am however not a scouser i don't tell people i am and i don't put on a fake accent can you please have a word with my mates who take the

piss out of me because i am not a scouser so when i say boss or i wear a scouse republic hoodie they say i'm pretending to be a scouser so how do you feel about people kind of it's not cultural appropriation is it but does this happen in newcastle do people like claim to be from newcastle when they're not why i like definitely so hang on i feel like that is he not a plazzy scouser no so a plastic scouser is callum oh we're all yeah got it yeah okay just great he's honorary though we've sort of adopted callum in the same way i've adopted you yes castle okay amazing yeah people do it all the time and the worst thing is is like you know when you're on holiday in malia with the lasses and that and like you're half yard of georgie voice around the pool are like it's quite far away so yeah it's northeast definitely but you're not up close enough to

know like what particular region anyway you get over and you're like where are you from and they're like Newcastle and you're like yeah but whereabouts I'm from was end and he goes oh well actually it's Sunderland shit themselves because you think you didn't think I was from Newcastle now I'm over yeah you've shit yourself mate because you're not really a Geordie are you so I think it definitely happens and I can say why everybody wants I feel like Newcastle's a nice place to be from if I wasn't from there I'd say I was as well yeah so it definitely happens the Liverpool thing like I do hate the whole like people from Ormsgate going oh I'm a Scouser because you're not but he's not doing that like you can wear a Scouse Republic hoodie and like just because you've got

an affinity for the city and obviously family ties to it I think he's sound to do all of that I think his mates need to fucking wobble their cunty little

fucking faces do you get do you get this if you're from the world do you get people saying you're not a scouser do you get people claiming they're from

the world when they're not people fromrexham No that's never happened I don't think Anyone wants that Yeah I get it A lot to be fair

People from Brill Putting a fucking No Fucking widow accent On and on From Bearcow I think that's where That was that

Where that pay for pay night was Bearcow Brill Brill That's where I'm from Vicky Is it Yeah That's where pay for4P night was. Where? Rill. Rill? Rill. That's where I'm from, Vicky. Is it? Yeah.

That's where P4P was, I think. Fuck off. Yeah. There's only one nightclub in Rill, so I know where this will be. There was a club night in Rill, back in Vicky's hair day. Oh, oh.

Where drinks were free. Drinks were free for everyone, until someone went for a piss in the toilet though so this was absolute carnage there was just like lasses having wheeze

like on the middle of the dance floor and that I swear to god and when he said real there something just clicked and I was like

I think it was real so real's an iconic seaside town yeah it's one of the like I think it's capital of culture 2026

fuck off i don't know about having scuppered their plans for that then with this me little anecdote i don't think that the body for capital of culture of europe are big fans i have a way but if they are yeah um yeah so they're gonna be capital of culture it's it's it's a combination of like sort of a really up and coming city slash old style town like

sort of like a fishing village like just really picturesque and there's a few nightclubs and stuff but they limit the number of nightclubs

because they want it to be more for sort of like restaurants and hipsters and stuff oh okay and also when they do open clubs

people just piss everywhere that's true and also everything I've just said is a lie and it's a festive and shit hole. You could totally lie to a therapist.

I told you! You creepy little man. I would so believe you. You said you'd been to Rill. You surely should have known that was that was a lot she was at the p2k night i don't think she was sober and taking in the sights was she i had a feeling i was going to get away with that to be honest with you i always just like got in and out on my peers like got there late left early that sort of thing get me cash and go yeah i was that oh this was yeah

you were doing a pa there that wasn't like a night out was it yeah no I didn't go there for fun oh babe I'm so sorry it's alright it's alright I'm sure it was fucking nice it's like

it's like you were saying a wall's end before it's a shithole but it's our shithole it's your shithole yeah yeah I do love wall's end

and I probably love rill as well probably yeah do you think it's time for have a word sure press that top right button which one the top right one the one at the one at the top and I probably love Rill as well. Probably. Yeah. Do you think it's time for Have a Word? Sure. Press that top right button.

Which one? The top right one. The one at the top on the right. Lurfer. Right. This one. Don't. Oh, Adam.

I would have caught this. There's only so many times someone can say top right. I was doing lurfer left and not a lurfer right, didn't you? Oh, God. All of them. Stop it.

Right. Loafer left and not a loafer right. See, I'd just be starting to question which way Elle goes. It just looks like an Elle, doesn't it? Flashing the rock there. Dwayne Johnson. Dwayne Johnson. Right, this is, I'm not sure who this is from,

but hi, lads. Can you have a word with me for a change? My sister has lived in Manchester for two years now and is moving in with her 61-year-old boyfriend. Oh, y'all. She's 27. She wants that bag. And two weeks ago, they surprised us with their engagement.

I can't stand him and think he's a nonce for looking for women so young when he's been married twice with four kids. But I keep biting my lip and smiling. Oh, wait. But should I keep biting my lip and smiling or will I regret not doing something before the wedding next year? But first question, is he ginger? Because then it's fine.

Yeah. Yeah, say yeah. Yeah yeah yeah well keep your nose out of our business there's something about them mate wow yeah would you do you think that's all right are you into that listen i believe love is love i know that's really controversial and i don't actually think like i don't actually think you have to explain yourself when you fall for someone you know and your family don't have to get it and your friends don't have to get it. But if it works for you and the other person, then that's great. I've heard the rule is half your age plus seven. So hang on. So he, she'd have to be. Yeah, he's, she's, she's too young

for him. She's 10 years too young for the rule. Apparently that rule works for all ages. Okay. Well, I slept with a 45 year old when i was 20. did you yeah yeah i was trying to get with a daughter legend i ended up with a mum what oh right scrap this this is more interesting shut the laptop right come on we want the story it was an ink again i don't know what it is about ink and tony carroll's gaff but it just does mad things yeah music yeah r b club in Phil. It's really good. Whereabouts is it? Do you remember Igloo? No.

Do you remember Almoder Cooper? I loved Almoder Cooper. So if you walk out of Almoder Cooper's front door, across that square, it's just over there, next to the old Revolution. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. So I was in the club,

doing a little boogie, and chatting to this girl and um paul blair was with me as well and he went he's done that to me and i went over and he went hey do you know what would be dead funny and i went what he went if you just fucked her off and went with her instead and it was her mum did you know i didn't know but he said it'd be funny so if someone says that then it's going to be funny isn't it it's definitely going to be a man that's how much trust I have in people

do you want to be funny if you just like jumped in the dock funny that so I start so I was dancing with the mum and then I just started

like pulling her in the club and then after like I finished pulling her I looked at Tony and he was just going like lad what are you doing this isn't good

and I was like Tony and he was just going, like, what are you doing? This isn't good. And I was like, yeah, it will be though. So, the daughter ended up getting with another person who I'm not going to mention.

Do we know them? Yeah, you do, yeah. Say the name and we'll go Finn to bleep it. He will bleep it.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Who's He, he, he's stopped comedy now but he does loads of church gigs ander. Oh, wow. Yeah. Who's... He stopped comedy now, but he does loads of church gigs and that.

Yeah, and he's become full on religious. Opens for God. So, Paul Blair just got off and left me and... with these two girls. And they were like, come back to our hotel. So we were like,

oh, yeah, sound. Oh, hang on imagine can you on the pulver yeah i can't oh i'm so sorry it's okay take one alpha rose go on the pool with me now, if you want. Sorry, I'm too. They were staying... Is it the Formula One?

Aye. Down at the dock? That's where they were staying. Do you know that's like a famous prostitute hotel? Aye, aye. Is it, yeah? Yeah, honestly, it's brass central mate so

did she pay her no no we got to the hotel and I was like walking with the mum and then she opened the hotel door

she went in then I went in and as I was shutting the door another hand just touched the door and opened it and I was like whoa what and it was shutting the door, another hand just touched the door and opened it. And I was like, what?

And it was her daughter. Who you mean? They were staying and they were sharing a room. No. So it was two single beds in this room. And the mum just grabbed me and took me to a single bed. No. And the daughter took **** into the bathroom. No.

And they smashed in there. That's like a scene from Gavin and Stacey. Yeah, the first episode of Gavin and Stacey. It happened in Gavin and Stacey. So they were in there smashing and I was on the single bed with the mum and she was ruthless. She taught me some mad things.

Of course she's ruthless. She's a 45-year-old woman who's gone on a pole with her daughter. Shagging within five yards of her firstborn. She knew some stuff. Did she, Callum? She absolutely levered me. What was she doing?

She was just throwing me around and that. And then... Was she heavy built? Was she thick? Was she? She was solid like... Was she? So I was like banging it

and then I was about to come. I don't know why I'd done it but I pulled out and shouted incoming. And I just... And I just come on it. And then I ended up, I got a selfie with her. I got a picture of her.

Can I see it? I got a selfie, yeah. You still got it? Show us it after the record. We'll put it in the episode. Oh, sound, yeah. Incoming. Yeah.

Where did that... I don't know But you know when something just feels like natural Feels right Yeah It wasn't though was it No it wasn't And what happened to your mate

And the daughter He got chlamydia That's a result that Dodged the bullet Absolute result that Yeah Smashed it. And, yeah.

Incoming. My dad in this. You ever shouted anything else? Nah, that's it. That was, like, me top. I was, like... Yeah, that was a good one. I didn't feel like... Yeah.

What about you? You shout shit? I shout shit all the time. I shout shit on my own. Who are we? What? Everywhere. What? I like not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie.

I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to lie. Have you mislabeled these Especially for me coming in What did you want to press? Upset me? Well the one with upset me written on might be the one Someone upsplit Oh it's on me

Sorry guys I kept the hang of it by the end So have a word So it's a 27 year old engaged to engaged to a 61-year-old boyfriend. And how long they been together? Two years, I think. Yeah, two years. I mean, she knows her own mind.

It's not like she's a bane, you know? It's a bit icky. I wouldn't, do you know what it is, right? If I put myself in that situation and it was my sister, I wouldn't like it. But if she was really happy, I feel like I'd sort of have to just get on with it do you know what it is if I put myself in that situation and it was my sister I wouldn't like it but if she was really happy I feel like I'd sort of have to just like

get on with it you know yeah as long as they seem happy you've got to let them ride it out yeah even if you think

he's a dick you've got to let them ride it out I don't know what's happened to you today with all the serious advice it's crazy it's my influence

isn't he love yeah he's really settled down maybe you're his life coach maybe I am subliminally isn't he a modern man very don't he, love? Yeah. He's really settled down. Maybe you're his life coach. Maybe I am, subliminally. Isn't he a modern man? Very. Don't you just love him?

If you want to fuck a pensioner cock, go for it, girl. That better? Yeah, that was better. Yeah. Who's your fucking family to tell you that wrinkly dick is a problem? Ignore them.

Suck on his chode get yours girl fair play to him oh yeah i mean like he's smashed it yeah is he is he i mean i know this is super crass but like has he got a bit of coin it doesn't say anything here no definitely but she's moving in with him so he's got property oh babe money manchester city center property is it oh he's got fucking coin i'd shag him just saying it's actually a mick hucknall tribute act as well i don't know why you left up an outfit wet as a not as pocket yeah i think you've got to let it ride out i think have a weird with your sister

and make sure she's happy and then take it from there if you want but i think she i also think is a unpopular opinion do you know like let's say for example let's say he's a millionaire and she is just shagging him for his money let Let's say that's happening, which we don't know. Yeah, okay. Right? Let's say it is. I also have got no problem with girls or lads who do that. Everyone's a winner, aren't they, in that situation?

Like, if she wants to just be like... It's transactional, right? Yeah. I get that. If she just wants to be like, yeah, he's 61, he'll be dead in 15 years, and I'm getting loads of money while it's happening and I don't care. I don't understand the problem with it. Because he's also thinking,

I know she probably just likes me a bit for my money, but I'm shagging a 21-year-old, so I'm having a great time as well. In that sense, when people are both getting something from it, I half say it, but it is just still a little bit see-in. It's icky, isn't it? It's icky. It does give us the ick, definitely. There's your advice. Have a chat. We think it's icky like it does give us the ick definitely yeah there's there's your answer have a chat we think it's icky but talk it through yeah have we got time for another

have a word we can do one more like yeah okay uh so where are we here do you miss dan what it's unbearable this one is from It's unbearable. This one is from Pete. You're such a ghost. The thing I'm here for 300 quid as well. I wouldn't normally get out of bed for less than a gram. This is from Pete. What what's happening lids i want you to have a word with the tory i work with he thinks it's acceptable to bring an emergency shit kit with him to work while he's out driving

in the van is it you he regularly shits his pants in public can you please tell him it's not right that he shits himself so often and that taking a shit in the back of the work van isn't on? What's he meant to do? You've got to go, you've got to go. At least he's bringing stuff to clean it up, you ungrateful fuck. What the fuck are you on about? What, you want him to just sit in his own shit?

In the van? You should be fucking delighted he's bringing fucking bleach and whatever else with him. You're the joke. Do you think? I've nearly shit myself before after a gig. Right. I was doing it and in the venue they had

unisex toilets. All that was separating them from the room was just a little bit of wood. And I was banging for a poo. I could feel it in my stomach. I was separating from the room was just a little bit of wood. And I was banging for a poo. Like, I could feel it in my stomach. I was closing. So I had to hold it in from eight o'clock all the way through the show. And I could just feel it building.

It was building up inside of me. I went on stage. The idea of needing a poo at eight o'clock and holding it till 11 is so alien to me. It's not possible in my world. I couldn't do it there because it's unisex. And it will smell. I don't have that there because it's unisex and it will smell i don't have that choice that's what i'm telling you oh right is that you going i can't poo here because like in my world it's like i shouldn't poo here yeah but we are going to have to yeah carry on

so i went on stage and then i i just completely forgot about it like i just couldn't feel any pain and then as soon as i come off stage it started like flaring up again and i was like i'm literally i'm gonna shit myself got in my car drove to the a garage and i wasn't allowed in because it was like a night service i hate when they do that i hate that fucking i drove to the net like a services. I'd just threaten them there, mate. At the garage. I'd just be like, mate.

I didn't. There's going to be shit in your toilet or near the pumps. Your call. Literally your choice. And I really don't mind which one is which. It makes very little difference to me. There's paper towels near the fucking non-sea gloves at the petrol pumps. I can wipe my arse

I am pooing on this property so I couldn't go in there so I was driving and then the services were shut like it was shut off so I was like

fuck the next one was in 40 odd miles so I had to pull over I had to shit on the hard shoulder down I couldn't have held that. So I had to pull over. I had to shit on the hard shoulder down a ditch. I had no toilet paper. That's better than a unisex toilet, isn't it? Bet you felt really clever when you did.

I felt great. So I had no toilet paper, so I had to use my boxies and my T-shirt. What kind of a poo was this? It was like a... Just exploded. That's awful. Like everywhere.

That's awful. Got in the car, put like hand sanitiser on me and that because I had no t-shirt. So I'm just sat in my car with no top on. Hands are burning and I was like, why the fuck are my hands burning?

Yeah. I was like crouched over nettles and it was all over my bum cheeks, all over my hands. So I had to do like a two and a half hour drive with no top on just with me like bum up like this. Driving all home look like a fucking lunatic stopping at traffic lights vicky what was the toilet situation like in the jungle so we had a what was called a dunny

um and it's basically just like a slat of wood with a hole cut out of it and then like a giant bag underneath and everybody used the same one and there was people on like dunny duty so like when you went you used to have to chuck like wood chips over the top of it which would hopefully somehow distinct like take away some of the smell

but then yes someone had to take away this massive bag of poo and wee every so often and I got that job quite a lot actually really?

yeah I mean you used to be not like a producer no babe honestly everyone in camp had to chip in I got really like muscly and toned

when I was in the jungle Like Lugging everybody's shit about that Yeah And also the water and stuff as well But yeah I have a theory that Everybody shits themselves

At least once in their life Have you shit yourself? No I'm pretty close You've still got it You've not You've got it to look forward to You're actually not

I'd have sworn you have Not in me pants I don't know why, just from knowing you. No, not in me pants. It's a fair assumption. Yeah. I'll give you that. Have you?

Yeah, almost. Like, sort of. A little bit, yeah. Close us out, Vicky. What happened? I was like, I uh i need like anti-sea sickness pills like i didn't read the box properly and i get really bad sea sickness so i've rented this like yacht for wall for the day and i was really excited but i do get bad travel sickness so i got

this pack of tablets just before i went on and i walloped too because you just think fucking you take to everything don't you? So I took it, and I was all right for the first part of the day. So I thought, oh, they're class, them. But then we docked up and had lunch on a beach, and when I got back on, I was like, oh, green, like Amelia. So I walloped another two, and I can't remember the rest of the afternoon.

And all I know is that I woke up back in my hotel, and my fella wasn't speaking to us shit myself and apparently I read the back of the box and it only meant to take like one every 24 hours

so I just fucking lost control of everything mate you had a stag do's way for tablets in an afternoon what happens in my glove stays in my glove

until you're on have a word and you tell the internet. Oh my god, yeah, I forget I'm telling everybody this. I nearly killed someone in Magaluf. What? During sex. What? I nearly killed someone in Magaluf during sex. What did she do?

Well, we were having sex in the room and then she went, should we go on the balcony? You nearly fucked her off the balcony? Yeah. She jumped up, put her legs there, I put my arms underneath her and because it's like,

it's hot in my glove so I was sweating and then I just done like one big thrust and she just like popped off, like off me and then like flew back and like hit her back on the balcony. Oh my God,

your dick was nearly an assassin. Assassin. like flew back like hit her back on the balcony oh my god your dick was nearly an assassin this has been wild How do you say it? Assassin. Assassin. Assassin. You pronounce every syllable as its own word. Assassin. Just giving it the respect it deserves, babe.

It's a fucking dangerous word, man. It's a dangerous word. Who's saying that? I'm the wrong people. Did you ever see this girl again no absolutely not no you can't really fuck someone

to death and then ask them on a second date this has been an absolute pleasure from start to finish Callum do you want to

just tell everyone where they can find you on the old internet if you want followers yeah yeah just at Callum Oakley on all the socials you can find me on there

cool anything coming up you want to plug nah not yet okay i will have cool mysterious uh everyone can find you at vicky paterson yeah yeah i'm dead easy to find book is still available book is still available yep what's it called and where can you find it the secret of happy it's on amazon it's in wh smith um if you want to know the secret to happy you should buy it cool thank you very much for coming in

and guest co-hosting it's been an absolute pleasure you're so welcome I've had fun I've had some free time obviously Dan will be back next week

boo boo Dan is going on tour at the end of the year he's got tour tickets at dannightingale.com I'm on tour at the minute there's a few dates

with tickets left they're at adamrow.co.uk'm on tour at the minute. There's a few dates with tickets left there at adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows. And the big show, Friday the 9th of December, is at the Arena in Liverpool. Have a word live.

Absolute chaos coming your way. Go and get your tickets for that. And of course, if you want extra stuff and you want early access to these public episodes,

patreon.com slash have a word pod starts at three quid a month and is the best value Patreon in the game blind dates just come out blind dates out

on on Patreon we did blind dates I got carted off I seen our trifle friend he did it right yeah

and I kicked a tit into the audience he'd be so annoyed that I mentioned that a fake tit he kicked a fake tit right into ropey absolutely fucking jailed out of it.

It was actually Ro-P as well. See you later, guys. One last time, Vic. Hit that button. Which one? The only one I've asked you to hit. Fucking hell, man. You're so sassy.

Ladies and gentlemen, of the audio version of the podcast only, we are starting to bring back the songs that we end the episode with. If you're an OG listener, you'll remember we did this very early on. This first band of the new series of this is called the Warkin Tribe. That's T-H-E-W-A-H-K-I-N and then tribe.

They're from Scunthorpe. This song is called Have A Word. There's no better way to start than with that. And one of the band members, Joe, is a patron of the podcast. The song is called Have A Word. They're the W word though the walking tribe enjoy the song see you next week shag your mind I'm on the road cause you're wasting time Going for the gears but the gears are my mind I don't really care if you think you're on your way game

Not really interested in playing your own game But when you make sure you think I care about your life Why don't you talk much more But with less substance than the pork off as well All alone Go have a word with yourself I'll be on your phone when you know you've lied I don't really care who you think you're by the back

There's nothing of the world you don't listen to a word I say Tell me what you're spelling so it makes you want to try Well we can talk a small more I know I'll just forget what you said No one knows No one knows what's in your hand Try to look for better You keep it under weather Say you know, well, how do I know?

Say you could do more But I've heard it all before And so I really think he's too cold Focus on the road Cause you're wasting time