Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #168 with Paul Smith - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

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Adam we've got some exciting news about the sponsors we have but I've forgot what it is can you remind me it's manscaped.com they've levelled up and they're now our main podcast sponsor our official lead sponsor from now on manscaped.com use our promo code WORD20 to get their products this is now the have a word podcast brought to you

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Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl, and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. And Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary.

Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. Are you ready to do a podcast? He's back! Carl's not, but he is. Carl's still on a, frankly, beautiful-looking holiday. These are for you, Carl. Why, you've been on a frankly beautiful looking holiday. These are for you, Cobb. Why, you've been on a holiday as well? I've been on a five out of ten,

our best holiday. I've been on a £1,600 package holiday. A holiday? That cost me four and a half grand. Why? Because it just fucking wasn't as good as the money I paid. That should have been well better. It just was not good.

I'm going to try and be positive about some of the things about the holiday because I've got some negatives. And I was like, knowing that you're coming in, how was the holiday? And you want to be like, it was lovely, lovely time with the family. There was some nice bits. Some of the weather was good. Six of the nine days.

Are you and Laura still married? Yeah, we're still married. Oh, Laura's not the fucking issue. We had Laura and I. You still got both the babies? We've got both children. Didn't leave one. Okay.

Although, it got fucking close. There was a balcony. What if he just... I love that cat. There was a balcony. What if he just... I love that child. More in this country. We had about three hours in the middle of the holiday where my mother-in-law and boyfriend

looked after the kids for four hours. And me and Laura were on like a lounger with a really nice time for about three and a half hours that was good i enjoyed about a cumulative maybe five hours of being on the beach being on the beach is my holiday jam i'm not a massive pool guy i like being on the beach i am the exact opposite all right i could just love the sand and this sand's the worst thing in the world so overrated it looks But you'll still be fine and sand up your arse in six weeks.

Oh, I love the chief. You will though, won't you? Whenever you go to the beach, like six months later, you go to put a pair of socks on and there's just sand all over your fucking... Oh yeah, don't get me wrong. I get it.

It is annoying. But I just think... I don't want to sound like a fucking hippie. Something nice about being on the sand, the sea, the view, the breeze. Sounds like a euphemism for drugs. Some saggy Spanish tits. I love, you know, there's something about it, isn't it?

Right, now I'm struggling to find good stuff. It depends. I found these sweets at the shop. They were good. Spanish sweets. I'll tell you what, if you're talking about your holiday and the third thing you list as a positive

is the sweets in the shop it didn't go to plan did it what was the I like Spanish crisps most of them lays they were good lays

ruffles for some reason always better abroad what's a ruffle a ruffle it's a ridged it's crisp

I like my cookies Dan we don't want to know about the good stuff all right onto bad stuff oh oh there's this one german kid who was sound he was fun child oh he was really fun tried to talk to etta and he was like it was great and etta was like i don't know what the fuck you're saying mate and his mom was like say her english and he was like i don't know what you mean mom i simply thinking it was fucking brilliant. Messing around, talking to Laura, talking to me.

He was so sorry. Right, things that were shit. Every other German child. What a little set of ball bags they are. Ed's just trying to make friends and they're like, I don't fucking know you. Oh, I hated him. The buffet.

Absolute dog shit it always is it's been oh mate but this is an expense this was decent money the buffet was trying to be good

how'd you fuck up pizza I had better pizza in the late 90s in school in the school dinner hall and I paid a lot less school pizza I still reminisce about it

to this day the margarita of Cardinal Heenan right cool I wish they'd I wish we'dgarita of Cardinal Heenan. Right, cool. I wish they'd a bit, I wish we'd have had some Cardinal Heenan dinner ladies on the fucking buffet.

Masks everywhere. Spain, get over it. We're all ignoring COVID now. Come on. I know there's 20,000 people in hospitals still with it, but we're just ignoring that. And we all hate Bojo,

apart from when he's like, I'm trying to ignore COVID. We're just ignoring it stop pretending there's covid excuse me where's your mask fuck off oh fucking knobheads excuse me where's your mask so no wonder i don't want to play with your children she's dirty she has no face covering what do you think i don't want to talk to this bitch? The gayest German kid I don't want to talk to you I don't know you And you're not into S&M like we are

We're dirty German children, yeah A German child is into S&M But encourages the wearing of a mask You can whip me on the pussy But put your mask on while you're doing it They love a mask Gimp. COVID.

Viva Zamo. Just my son just trying to kill himself all the time. Suicidal little knobhead. Oh, my God. I know. What we'll do is we'll make a holiday home for kids, you know, and there's like children. Should we make everything out of marble? Do you want sharp want sharp corners everywhere yeah let's make sharp corners everywhere because families

love sharp corners don't they made out of marble the hardest thing in existence yeah yeah yeah and jack's like i wonder if i headbutt that where should i headbutt it go for the corner oh my god such a fucking nightmare such a nightmare and the spanish the people who just the cleaners who were lovely were just the timing on them going hello just as you're trying to just as you're getting him down for a nap which he was like not doing as well he's like we're like get him down for a nap and he's like smell spanish i don't want to sleep you know please fucking sleep they've got an ear on the door they're like i'm waiting for one snore and he just goes hey hello esmeralda just not quietly okay i will maybe baby asleep

housekeeping so at the start of the holiday i did that thing that we've done here with the staff you know you're like be overly friendly to anyone who works here because i just find it as soon as you go hello it's too much like i was loving that game laura can't play that game i was absolutely loving that game and by about oh you mean acting special with the staff and they'd be like hola because they have to be like hola so i'd be like hola and by day five i was like i'm not playing this game I'm bored of you it was good being the scum

that was good we had an amazing thing where I was like looking at Holly going just sat in this dinner hall and there was English some French German

more that's the French well done and I was like Laura to be fair there's no rough cunts here is there to be fair i was looking at english no just you were just looking around going no one's no one's like toasty as fuck no one's like and then i was like but in theory wherever you are

someone's the roughest cunt because that's how it works and then And then I looked at her. Even at the Royal Variety performance, there's a roughest person in the room. There has to be. It doesn't matter if everyone is rich. Someone is the most scalliest, right? And then I looked at our table, and I was wearing a football top, and Etta was picking her nose,

and she had a lollipop in the other hand, and my baby was fucking throwing food everywhere. I was like, oh my God. We're the scum of the holiday. It's liberating. Loved it. Fucking loved it. It's why I love shopping in Waitrose.

Just ruining Tory Nana's fucking shopping trips. Going, how can you afford it? Patreon dickheads. So glad to be back. So glad. Laura asked quite sincerely if we could come back three days early which would have been a cunty move considering

her mum and her mum's boyfriend were there imagine that hey Rob Duke sort yourself out bye bye so I'm back

very honestly so nice to see you give yourself a round of applause on the thing so beautiful to be back Freddie nailed the Patreon Freddie was good Freddie was good

Freddie was good Vicky was great but it's just not the same mate never seen a response like the response Vicky got which I fucking love

insane because because we have been there's been more male guests on this pod it's just how it works

there's more blokes in comedy we've got female friends I still think Helen Bower is one of my favourite female guests not one of my favourite guests yeah but just generally

speaking men are just better than women in every department and that's why there's a lot of men on no no and that helps and that helps but to have

to have Vicky Patterson become instantly absolute pod royalty the first time she was a guest but now it's gone up a level yeah it was great to see. So, loved it.

I realised last night, I had one of those moments where I realised how much we get away with on this podcast, humour-wise. Oh, yeah. So last night,

Larry kindly was invited to go and play a game of poker in London with True Geordie, his pod sidekick Lawrence Stephen Trives was there

Adam McCullough who's a Man United fan YouTuber and a lad called Rory Chelsea fan YouTuber and they're all really sound I went to play poker

with them and it's a game of poker while you're sort of podcasting you're chatting trying to be funny and talking about footy and whatever

and I just took it too far and then everyone like they would have laughed at it you're drinking yeah we had a few yeah okay um not like a lock-in though no right so like before and we're all making really inappropriate jokes like we would do in here so i'm like right this is all within my wheelhouse but then they've got big sponsors and stuff, so they have to tone it down just a little bit. So we were talking about footy for ages, and Stephen tries.

It obviously is very, very funny. It's always undercutting everyone else's humour with his own. He's like, what about this? Someone footy for five minutes. Someone went, what do you think, Stephen? He's like, I don't know why we're talking about football when Brittany's pregnant, right? So I'd seen an Instagram post the day before

from Brittany going, I'm pregnant, but I'm not happy about it. I'm paraphrasing. Spears. Yeah. Britney Spears, right? Okay. So Lawrence went, oh, well, fuck off.

I'm going to go and check it. And the post, he couldn't find it. And I went to the Geordie lads. He went, oh, she must have deleted it. And I went, well, the baby, right? And they all laughed. That wasn't the bad bit, right? They all laughed at that.

And Lawrence went, oops, I did it again. So I went, hit that baby one more time. I mean, come on. When the ball is smacked up, what are you going to do? Not smash it. I was like, Z Zidane watching him fall and they like they

literally just went no we can't we can't do that they all did a Will Smith hey keep Britney's baby's name out of your fucking mouth

erm yeah that was very fun erm been watching lots of football. You're having the best time of your life by the sounds of it, aren't you? Obviously, the arena sales.

Arena's great. Oh my God. Tour's great. Liverpool are the best team in the world. And I am quite literally drowning in pussy. I'm joking. Stay here. I can't swim. That's not true not true um yeah it's been a very fun time it's great fucking brilliant but you but you're giving off that like i know i i sort of took the piss a couple of weeks ago

when you start you've started about i'd say six out of every seven podcasts recently with like i feel fucking great which is which is great because obviously i had a pretty fucking minging as a mate of yours very close working relationship we've got but obviously we're mates and i talk to you like of course it's podcasting but i don't talk to any of my friends as intensely as i talk to you like of course it's podcasting but i don't talk to any of my friends as intensely as i talk to you and we're trying to make everyone laugh and it's a podcast course right cool but what happens is you're massively invested me and adam very rarely have a phone call out of this like because it's a waste we just have a little chat sometimes we're catching up this is real i feel totally invested in when you're on you were having

a minging January that was about as bad as any of my mates have been through anything I know car was

there for you and just so the listeners know I haven't gone into a lot of details about this he's not just talking about the breakup at all your dad was ill

you were having a there was just car crash after car crash after car crash after car crash and the break up was sort of a catalyst for certain things

but 12 weeks later not even that it's two months you're absolutely flying lad never got to see got tickets to almost every game

I'm going to try and go to Benfica this might come back to bite me in the arse I've already got me Fly's Hotel and Eurostar back booked

for the Champions League final in Paris and if we don't get there i'm gonna hope some man city fans take them off my hands i'm gonna go and hang out with a load of mancunians it would make for fucking very entertaining patreon content just adam walking around paris like oh anyway just take your lift pool top and just walk around all the City fans I think I think

they'd be pretty sound about it I know there's a lot of like fucking animosity but it would show you being pretty sound not the most fun

weekend you could ever have I think if what I might do genuinely if we don't get to the final and Liverpool are

huge favourites at the minute to get to the final you know there's no easy games in the semi-final of the European Cup but we're huge favourites

to get there Villarreal are like not a fuck it I mean I know they're good is it Unai Emery yeah he's good Cup god though

European Cup god like he's won so many Europa Leagues yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but he's only ever had the chance to

win Europa Leagues really like this is his first shot. Yeah, Seville should have got in the Champions League instead of being like, no, it's okay. We just want to do Europa again and again and again. We keep knocking on the Champions League door like, hello, it's Champions League. But if we don't get there and I can get a ticket somehow,

I might just go to the Champions League final anyway. It's the greatest game in football like why I've got the flight booked I can't refund it I've got the train booked

I can't refund it why not just go I don't know I don't think you'd have as much fun as you think you might why would you be a

Real or no I'd support Villarreal oh hang on oh yeah so Villarreal would alright cool I'd support Villarreal. Oh, hang on. Oh, yeah. So Villarreal would... All right, cool, of course. Yeah.

Villarreal, Man City, or Villarreal, Real Madrid. Yeah, it's just nowhere near as fun as it. No, it's not. Like, absolutely not. It doesn't matter anyway because Liverpool are going to win everything. All right, yeah.

There's not a chance you're getting beat by Villarreal. There's no easy cup game. It would be one of the biggest upsets. You're going to win like 6-0. No, aren't they a pretty well-run team? Yeah. As well-run as you can be. They've just been buying, haven't they?

All right, okay. Good luck, my friend. Good luck. And the arena sales were so funny because it was coming through on the first day of the holiday and the weather was shit. And everyone was like, Laura was tired

and the baby wasn't napping. The sales, I was just like constantly watching it. We're saying at this point though, the sales are amazing, but we've opened up to full capacity and there's plenty left. If you haven't booked yet,

get your tickets booked. Oh yeah, we sold out the pre-sale, but the people were like, you sold out the arena and you're like, no, you don't know what a pre-sale is. I mean, we're out the pre-sale, but the people were like, you sold out the arena. And you're like, no, you don't know what a pre-sale is. I mean, we're going to. There's a huge chunk of tickets

that get sold in that first thing called the pre-sale. And the patrons fucking gobbled them up. That's not every ticket. There's loads to sell. So if you want to come and watch the arena show, fucking do it. You can get them on the arena website,

gigsandtours.co.uk. And I'm going to add it to my website tomorrow. So you can get them there. I think Iandtours.co.uk and I'm going to add it to my website tomorrow so you can get them there I think I might have already done it actually but I don't know

yeah very exciting times in a it really is life yeah I having stood that was the last time

I can't believe that was only a week and a half ago to stand in the arena and look round it it feels like you've been gone for six weeks yeah mentally I feel like I've been gone for six weeks. Yeah. Mentally, I feel like I've been gone for six weeks.

That was exciting, wasn't it? To stand in there. There's been some moments where those milestone moments, that was definitely one of them. As you and me stood in the middle of an empty arena and went, it was only two and a bit years ago we were in my fucking box room going right what features do we want to do right have you written to have a word or a library oh so i've been thinking in the ass and i liked it and i liked it from john that's from the first

john the first of many john Johns I love that tweet Of the guy who was like I'm on episode 39 I was just wondering If you were You were still doing it Adam Fucking hell Do you know

Like I get so irrationally angry Time travel tweets Like in the end I say it's funny And I sort of have a laugh at them And I message them back Going how many messing This is fit

Is it good Oh it's good Get it out They haven't paid us yet Alright cool What is it then It's sneak get on me get on me the energy drink i've had five coffees today good i think i've just had my fourth do you know the commitment i've got to this fucking show i should have got a guest co-host today but because you've been away i was like i don't want

to do that to the listeners you know they haven't had us both together for a while and Carl's still not back. But today, there's no trains this weekend from London to Liverpool. London, Houston's essentially closed, right? So tomorrow for the FA Cup semi-final, that's where we're also in. No train, got to drive down. My mate's driving.

I'm getting twatted. Great. I also had a little genius plan to say about in a minute. I'm getting ADHD brain because I've had too much coffee. It's okay, I'm in, I'm getting twatted great I also had a little genius plan to say about in a minute I'm getting ADHD brain because I've had too much coffee I'm in I'm in I had to get the

two trains and a bus to get here today so my train was at 6am to Kettering got off at Kettering love it got a bus to Rugby and then from Rugby

got a train to Runcorn right Christ well here's my here's the thing it's a sexy sexy road here's the corn right christ well here's me here's here's the thing sexy sexy rude here's the thing right here's here's where old rowey genius you're drunk on coffee i am so yesterday all right so here's what my week's been he's drunk on kettering Tuesday I had to go down to London

no Wednesday I had to go down to London for a meeting right very exciting meeting it's all beautiful went to London quick lunch

come straight back went to the Benfica game that was Wednesday Thursday had to go down to London that was yesterday to do True Geordie and I've come back this morning

for this tomorrow going back down to London again for Wembley and I've got to stay there until Monday. Partly because I can't get back and partly because

I've got a meeting on Monday. Also, you get to have a hangover then. Yeah, but I'm also going to go out for a drink on Sunday. So here's, here's where the genius comes in,

right? True Geordie, very kindly, the production company, paid for me to stay in the Hilton Hotel near Euston, right?

So what i did was true don't jordy are doing i aren't they right so i've booked the same hotel for myself for tomorrow and sunday so what i did was get on this lad right yesterday i took a suitcase down with all my clothes for tomorrow for sunday and for monday So, and when I checked out this morning at 5.30am, I said, can I just leave this bag in your luggage storage for like 36 hours? And he's like, yeah, no problem. So tomorrow I can just drive down.

We may go straight to Wembley after the match, go to the hotel and check in. I mean, luggage is already there, but you know. And that's closed for Sunday going out drinking. That, on Monday, that's super smart. Because every time we've done the NFL in London, been about five times, once with you guys, And that's closed for Sunday going out drinking. That is super smart. Because every time we've done the NFL in London, been about five times, once with you guys,

but I've done it four times in the past, you're setting off at dickhead o'clock on a Sunday morning and you're all going boozing on the Sunday night and you've got a hotel, but the hotel's there and you need to get to Wembley. It's such a fucking ball, like, where you're like, where am I putting this bag? What are you doing? So twat

that is smart wicked smart yeah um do you like wembley you're fine i've only ever been for the nfl i've been once to wembley in my life right now this is my first liverpool in a in a wembley game experience it's obviously very well made but I think they've given you too much space. They've given, like, it feels like they've gone, and obviously you need walkways and everything, but we were up at the top, and it was just absolutely miles from the pitch. When we were at Tottenham,

fucking hell, that was such a good spot, wasn't it? Well, we're in the gods tomorrow, but I genuinely don't care. Yeah. You could literally put me in a helicopter above the centre circle and be like, hey, it's Benochtli, it's Lab Watcher. I just want to be there. I don't't care. Yeah. You could literally put me on a fucking helicopter in a helicopter above the centre circle and be like hey it's Benochtli

it's Lab Watcher. I just want to be there. I don't give a flying fuck. Can I tell you the story? Love it. I assume I'm allowed to do this because they haven't told me. Can I tell you the story

about what I was doing at Liverpool's training ground because I purposefully didn't tell Freddie so I can tell you. Go on. Oh you saw the yeah.

Right. So I got to go to Liverpool's training ground this week on monday it's been a very busy week um to prank you are due some sort of fucking cancer or aids or something well i was gonna say three points on your license just because you've had a good couple of months. I don't want you to find a lump. Lose a bollock. Don't worry. 36 hours in the fucking, you know, I've got all me clothes. I have lost a testicle. But, you know, if you're ever left,

well, fucking Champions League. Come on. How many testicles? No. Would I give up for Liverpool? Right. Three Champions Leagues in a row. I'd give you both my testicles for Liverpool to win all four trophies this year.

Oh, no. Yeah. As long as I could, like... No! Preserve some spunk first. No! For future babies, 100%. Oh, no.

Yeah, you can get the Cessac ones now. Give me... All right, one ball for three trophies, but I don't want to take both balls. You can have both of them. Guaranteed quadruple. Oh. Have me bollocks oh have them we've got to do as a patreon special the last jizz get 200 people in the front you've got to give me like

four weeks to to fit well no to find a wife no but like you can you can fucking mickey mouser can't you can freeze them you know like walt Walt Disney's cryogenically frozen. Cool, yeah. Mickey Mouse. That well-known term for jizzing and freezing it. You know, Mickey Mouse here. You know. You know.

You know. You know. You know. Fuck, it's easier. You know. Fucking Minnie Mouse. You know. Fucking the old goofy.

Oh, Donald Duck. You know. You know. Toyy Donald Duck Toy Story Disney Pixar Toy Story 1, 2, 3 and 4 I haven't seen the 4th Oh sorry Did you say Daffy Duck? Spaffy Duck

Yeah but that's What Warner Brothers innit? Back in your box Back in your fucking box Jesus Christ You were doing beautifully as well You'd never be able to get kicked on the balls again True

Be straight in the cock though wouldn't he? I'm sure that hurts a little bit Although The cock can take some punishment I knew it I knew it Before I finished it I mean the cock

And I know this From punishing my own dick But It's not You never go Oh no I have actually In the past Yeah

In a zip Wah Wah Yeah I suppose eventually One little It's the balls that take the punishment isn't it

100% they're sensitive they're dangly it's not good oh you wouldn't look right though would you you get prosthetic ones don't you

you don't you can get prosthetic they just put like table tennis balls in your scrotum table tennis balls you need something a bit fucking heavier

than that right wow feels a bit light golf balls a little too heavy bouncy balls bouncy balls

they're all for texture slapping off it getting some fun Golf balls. A bit light. Golf balls. A little too heavy. Bouncy balls. Bouncy balls. They'll have a texture. Slapping off her. Getting some... Getting a kick here. Fuck off. Fuck off. Fucking end up on the fucking extension. Just went through the Houston Hilton fucking wall.

So, the reason I brought this up is, so I got to go to the's training ground to do a prank video very well remembered for axa right who sponsored the phil's training under a car insurance company yeah so i've now asked axa can i have their corporate tickets for the champions league final instead of payment for the fucking adverts that's so smart i messaged landon my agent i was like i'll still pay you your commission

but just tell them I don't want the money what commission how can he get commission what do you mean 15% of a seat why did you do that I'll give him

what he would have got anyway oh yeah you know what I mean side deal fucking in your back jock it yeah so they got in touch

they basically oh lad it was so funny so it was Harvey Elliott who's Liverpool's young starlet Divock Origi and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain

but Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain was in on the prank right and we can't make this a clip we'll just have to leave this in the episode for the proper listeners because their video

is obviously going to go out in a few weeks so the idea was they were doing an advert for axa as part of their contract they have to do certain things for the sponsors and stuff so they've been told you've got to do this advert for car insurance today at the training ground once you finish training right uh so they had a real director who was talking to me and they had a fake director who was supposed to be directing them and me in the advert right the fake director

was comedian joe boar oh i know joe boar right oh so he's he's acting really stressed like oh we've got we've got so much to do right so he's got them doing like right i need you to uh you all need to do a xa so we can see access belt house and house. And they're like... Like YMCA? Yeah. Oh, my God. And he literally went, like, YMCA. And Harvey Elliott goes like this, and he goes, no, we're not doing YMCA, we're doing Axa.

But he was so good at it, and it was so well put together. It was good, man. And he said, right, you've got to all one by one say this right down the camera. So it was, they're not there for car insurance, and they were looking right down the camera going,a car insurance join the pride movement right it was it was so funny and not connected at all but they're not twigging on right and then he goes oh because they go into these just on almost like autopilot like just get this over with yeah so he goes right

next bit we've got a guy who's won a competition to be in the video he's a live pill fan um where is he so my name was gonna be jimmy but then they got worried that harvey elliott would recognize me right because he's like he's a young lad he lives in the pill he's actually big he follows like paddy the baddies a fan of his he's been on the air they were like well what are you high visibility yeah he's like so we need you to play yourself but it just turns out you're a lunatic in real life so i had to act like a super fan right i mean this was a difficult role wasn't it did you really have to struggle to get into it i just had to act a bit special to be honest oh right okay so i walked in and what i had to do was so joe borsier harvey elliott's where and Divock and I are like, so I just had to walk in

and be like, and stare at him like that. And Joe was going, Adam, we need to start doing the video, mate. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right? So he's getting really nervous. And then I had to go, can we do the painting first? Right? And then they all go, what do you mean? And I was like,

I've done a painting of Harvey. Right? So they'd done it for me and it's horrific and i went i was going to paint all ears but this took me ages and they unveil it and it's horrific and how had you seen it before yeah yeah and harvey goes oh thank you so much and i went do you want me to sign it right and he goes yeah yeah go on he went do you want me to sign it and I was like no it's more valuable

if I just do it right so like Oxlade-Chamberlain's in on it and he's struggling right and Divock and Harvey just think that he's struggling

because I'm insane not because it's a prank because it's funny right yeah yeah so then they get four car chairs and sit them in a car formation right no

it wasn't four it was two at the front and like a back three right so and they're like right so adam's the driver and you're just gonna mime driving along the road until we hit a pothole and i went what size pothole are we talking here is it a little one or like a massive one and joe ball goes doesn't matter and i was like no no it does my different pothole are we talking here? Is it a little one or like a massive one? And Joe Ball goes, it doesn't matter. And I was like, no,

no, it does. My different potholes, different reactions. I've got to get into the zone. And at that point, Harvey Elliott is just screaming his eyes out, silent,

crying laughing behind me. And I can't tell you how hard it was to keep a straight face. And then they go, right, actually what we're going to do. And so I'm now looking behind me like this, right? And they're like, Adam, you need your eyes on the road. And I was like, but I can't see Harvey, right?

So they go, right, Ox, you actually come out, and we'll just have Divock and Harvey in the back. And that made it so much harder, because now Oxlade-Chamberlain sat in my eye line, and he's really struggling, right? So he goes, right, and we're going down the road, and he goes, and when I do this road and he goes i'm gonna do this you've hit the pothole so we hit the pothole and i go we're just laughing and joe ball goes we don't need the noise right he goes right let's do it again he goes like this.

They're gone. And I'm doing so well to keep a straight face. And then he goes, right, we need to go bigger. Think bigger, right? And I went,

I don't know if I can jump any higher than I already am. And he lost it. He just lost his fucking mind. And you've got to imagine, so I'm sat in the front seat of a car, essentially. There's an empty one there. Divock Origi can see my left cheek.

So I had to look off to the distance so that he couldn't see, because I was about to go and I was about to ruin the advert, right? Joe Boaz is supposed to get more and more irate and wound up with the players. And they're pranking Harvey more than Divock. So he keeps going, Ox, you're doing great.

Ox is doing nothing. He's just sat there. And he's like, Adam, you're nailing it. Divock, bit of work needs to be done. Harvey, come on, mate. Get on board with the rest. Just watch everyone else. This is really embarrassing.

You've hit a pothole. Just think about what that would feel like in a car. Right? Then they put Oxlade-Chamberlain back in. And he had to, we hit the pothole. Just think about what that would feel like in a car. Right? Then they put Oxlade-Chamberlain back in. And he had to, we hit the pothole. And he had to go, I bet you, I bet you, I bet you you're relieved you're with Axial Car Insurance, Adam. I bet you it brings relief to know you're with Axial Car Insurance, Adam.

And I went, it sure does, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. and I went, it sure does Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. The director went, no, no, no, no. We just want you to nod. So he did that again. And I turned around and went. And then they swap Oxlade again with Origi. Origi's back.

And Joe's now getting like really angry. He's like, we need to get this done. This is just. He goes to his just he goes to his ear he goes yeah yeah i know have you seen what i'm working with right and at that point a rigi goes no man we're not doing this we're not having it you don't get to talk to people like this we don't have to do it and the guy who's won the competition especially you can't talk to people like this you can't do this this is not right we don't have to be here and at that point the like one of the real like productions crew was like Ox

tell him tell him now and Chamberlain's like in his face going Divock it's a plan he's like no no no I need to talk to this guy he's like we're winding you up

he's like in a minute Alex like mate you don't get to talk to me like this it's bang out of order and then eventually Harvey Elliot couldn't get over it he was like mate I didn't know out of order. And then eventually, Harvey Elliott couldn't get over it. He was like, mate, I didn't know what to do.

Here's the funniest part of all of it for me, right? Oh, mate, but do you imagine if Divock Origi had punched Joe Ball? I don't know. That might not be amazing for everyone, but I'd take that to the fucking grave. So here is the funniest bit for me. It's so stupid. So Harvey Elliott is, have a word royalty,

Alfie Brown's favourite Liverpool player. How old is he, like 18, 19? Yeah. But Alfie really identifies with him because Alfie is a southern, well-spoken Liverpool fan. Posh. Who has always supported Liverpool, a lifelong fan because of his family.

But feels a little bit sort of rejected by Liverpool as a city because of how well-spoken he is. Right? He's like the poshest wool. A hundred percent. Harvey Elliott is a posh southern lad

who is embraced by the whole team and everyone loves him. So a couple of months ago, I'm having a pint with Alfie and I'm like, I love Harvey Elliott. And he goes,

no, you fucking don't. I do. You've had Steven Gerrard. I've had Carragher. You've had Trent, Curtis Jones. You've had all of them. And they're all you.

It's finally fucking me playing centre midfield for Liverpool, right? Favourite player. So when I found out I was doing this, I was like, right, I know what I'll do.

I'll go to the Liverpool shop. I'll get a Harvey Elliott shirt printed and I'll get it signed and I'll give it to Alfie know what I'll do. I'll go to the Liverpool shop, I'll get a Harvey Elliott shirt printed, and I'll get it signed, and I'll give it to Alfie next time I see him. Amazing. So I tell them when I got there,

I've got a Harvey Elliott shirt there, I want to get it signed for me mate, it's his favourite player. And he goes, that's even better, we'll do it as part of the prank. So he'll definitely do it then. He can't say he's got to rush off at the end or whatever, we'll do it as part of the prank.

So at one point in doing the whole thing, they went, right, we're going to take a break now, you've got some shirts to sign and I went, I've got a shirt and it's for Harvey to sign it. Right? And then I went, I was going to get a shirt

of all of yours but this one was really expensive. So then I went, Harvey, just sign this, just put your signature on the number

and he goes, okay, mate. And then he put it in the bag and when I got it out, he lays it on, he'd put two Adam. Makes it funnier though. But I'd already told Alfie,

I've got a present for you, but I'll tell you what it is later. So I said to him, I was like, this is still yours. And I don't know whether this makes it worse or hilariously better, but it says two Adam,

best wishes, Harvey Elliott. Oh my God. But they were all so unbelievably sound. Like, for me to unveil the painting I did, and for him to be like, mate, thank you so much, to have that at 18 years old was very, very, very sound. Is he from West London?

Is he from? He's from Surrey. Oh, okay, cool. He came through at Fulham. Wow. Good on him. I love that Origi went this is bullshit go punk yourself

good egg so much better if anyone it's like punked well they got to the end of it the bigger the reaction when we got to the end the real director was like

we couldn't write that there's no way to write that in where that actually happens that gives the video it's such a better ending and you never get to do another because you burn it you burn it.

You burn it. Well, Axel, if you're watching, I'll take three or four Champions League final tickets if you don't mind. Me and two of my friends have already got everything booked. He's just going to have to do all the sports where they've not watched it. So he's going to be doing like wind-up videos for the NFL.

It's made me want to do more prank stuff though. St. Helens for Rugby League. I think it's made me want to do more prank stuff though. St. Elliot for rugby league. I think it's made me want to do more prank stuff. And I'd really like to start like a, a little thing with us where we do some prank stuff and we put little videos out. Bonus stuff. What would you do?

I don't know. We need a little meeting and stuff, but yeah, if we could start with some fucking Germans in Mallorca, let's, I mean, so fun. It was really, really, really really enjoyable and we could

definitely do it would you do it to other comedians or just like normal like go to like a building site and just start driving cranes well everyone in comedy thinks that we've got 400 grand a month because no one actually knows what this makes so they don't have to talk to tax. Yeah. They're like, I don't even know how much money we've got. So it would work. It'd basically be like, we need you to come and do a Patreon special. Everyone's heard about these Patreon specials that we've only used half a dozen comics for.

We could open that up. We should stop talking about this on the public. Don't cast us off. Oh, that was absolutely phenomenal. Loved every second of that story. That's genuinely one of my favorite things I've ever heard you fucking tell on this pod.

Hope you enjoyed it too. Superb to be back. Let's have a little interval. See you in a sec. Up to that. You know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do in a sec. Up to then. You know there's a disturbance in the force when it's me doing an ad read because I don't do this shit normally.

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20% off plus free shipping at manscaped.com using the code WORD20. Aye? Free from desire. Martin says that you're on fire. What? Martin says that you're on fire what martin says that you're on fire i don't know the words free from desire mind and senses purified free from this what mind and senses purified mind and senses purified free from it says that you're on fire one more and more people just want more and more freedom and love what we're fighting for from desire

Martin says that you're a liar from desire my lover's got no money he's got his trombolies well if you've tuned in for our voices drink it up

I've actually thought towards the end of this year when me time frees up a little bit maybe I might get some singing lessons Can I Put in on those singing lessons To come and watch I

Do you not want to get some as well No I want to watch you do singing lessons Please What genre What What genre of music I'm sorry

What Genre of singing I'm sorry What? Genre of singing lessons? Yeah What the fuck? You might be an opera singer No, no, no, no, no I want to be a star Hi

Do you do singing lessons? Well, I only do Country and Western And reggae Oh What a What a vending Just farmers

And best of periods Oh, I'm so sorry In the way you do. That's what you do. You go in and they give you a Venn diagram. Which one you want? I wanna be a- Oh, I was looking for folk with a little bit of trip hop.

Oh, you want three doors down. That's Marjorie three doors. Marjorie three doors Marjorie does trip up fucking old trip up Marjorie she's starting in folk she's you know

involved to trip up and what is trip up Dan don't know just said some words I was sat here then listening to trip up going oh I don't know what that is

but I'm gonna laugh anyway I thought it was a real thing. It is. It is. Yeah, I'm genuinely thinking about it. I think it'd just be great one day to just, like, if I don't tell anyone I'm doing it, apart from now. You'll tell everyone.

You've got no chill. You'll tweet about it. There'll be Instagram. I'm here with Marjorie. With the location three doors down. It fucking won't tell anyone. You'll have a five minute bit. It'll be special.

I'm just going to learn to sing. I'm just going to learn to sing. I'm going to just do it. Imagine if we did. Imagine. Imagine, imagine, imagine. Imagine a live show in December. If I just push Finn off the mic and I've got a better voice than him. Do you want light head and tendon yet?

I haven't had any food today and this is strong snakes up on you how would your warm ups go for a country hip hop crossover Nelly is essentially country and hip hop crossover Lil Nas

what's his name hop crossover Lil Nas Have you seen him What's his name Is it In fact Lil Nas Yeah I'm gonna take my horse Down the old round road But there's a

A clip from If you just didn't know What the song was We just let you know Right You're looking home It's a fucking good video There's a clip from

Like one of the American Late night shows And I forget his name. Ah. That's his fucking name. But he does It's Getting Hot In Here as a country song. Ah. And it's, have you seen it?

No. But I love all, we can't play the vid, though. No, I'll just find out if it's. Ah. He's not a country artist though he's a rapper what was the song again? it's getting hot in here I love countryfying

love countryfying Ben Folds 5 Champagne Supernova I know I've sung it on here before guys Chance the Rapper that's it and it's fucking

excellent like it's fucking excellent. Like, it's really, really, really great. We'll show you that in a break. Yeah. I'm probably getting into me country stuff, you know? There's only two artists that I like, but, you know. Yeah. Be three soon.

You don't get into genres. You get into, like, a musical or, like, an artist. I'm getting into country. I relate to them a lot. Why? Because, you know they're like we're downtrodden

but we're going to fight and rise cool did you make the whole of the south Scouse then? hey there's nothing more

Scouse than Alabama fact even Birmingham Alabama weirdly right okay alright I can see that

yeah do you know the south is the North? Yeah. Totally. Yeah, 100%. When it was like, oh God, the flyover states. Liverpool's Texas.

Liverpool wants to be on its own. Texas wants to be on its own. The deep North. Yeah, full of Mexicans. It just works. It works. I'm new for fucking Mexicans. Are Mexicans and Irish people?

You're going to Toxteth. What? You're a Mexican, Alan. Are Mexicans and Irish people? You're going to Toxteth. What? You're a Mexican now. Are Mexicans and Irish people, aren't they? And we're quite happy to have them. That's the difference between us and Texas. Is Texas want to get rid of them. We're like, do you know what?

Come over here and let's have a Guinness. Yeah. It worked perfectly. It's exactly. Texas is full of Mexican themed pubs. Which you know for a fact, because you know, you've been there loads.

Not a fucking, not a Mexican boozer. What about, what about an eatery? No, not interested. There's loads of Mexicans walking around Texas, like,

they just don't know how to put a corona there. Trying to put a fucking, trying to put a sombrero in my fucking head it's very small it's very intricate this lime is in the way look at Speedy Gonzales

this fucking thing ay caramba get a full Mexican when you wake up if you want to go over a taco and burrito another taco and burrito And another taco and burrito Do you like my

This is new merch It's giving me Villarreal vibes And they're the enemy At the minute Yellow submarine So we've got some New merch up

We've got the We're massive Is it we're fucking Massive Jimmy Yeah We've got some We're fucking massive Jimmy merch

Oh we've got them Over there actually Give us a We've also got some New have a word College Oh, we've got them over there, actually. Give us a fork and chalk at them, lad. We've also got some new Have A Word College stuff. And we've got a From Before callback bit of merch. All of these will be shown on Instagram shortly. Follow us on Instagram. What are we?

What are we? Have A Word pod. Fucking massive Jimmy. And also the two-tone logo stuff. It's called Logo Icon. HaveAWordPod.com for all our merch. These are fucking great. I love them.

And you can mix and match the colours. You know when there's a reason for a mosaic at a football ground? There's often a message throughout. Yeah, someone's retiring. I'm trying to get the arena in Liverpool to let us do a mosaic on the 9th of December saying we're a fucking massive jury I'm currently talking to the promoter

but what is it going to be made of? it's going to have to be made of something that's non-slippy isn't it? just make out a paper and then we'll give everyone a lighter on the way in and get them to light the paper on fire so no one can fall over they love that

we're worried about slipping hazards. Don't worry about that. We've got 10,000 people to bring lighters and burn things. Good. Because no one can slip on fire. Fact.

It is a fact. It is. No one's ever slipped on fire. That's why I said it. No one has slipped. And that's one of the great things about fire. Yeah.

People love fire for that. You don't slip on fire. You know? And you can trust fire like that. If people come home to their house fire, you can go and just be like, look, look on the bright side. You're not going to fall over your house.

That's what people say. People say, you've lost everything, but you haven't slipped and fallen on your house. You know? Could have lost everything with a bruised knee. Worse. Where's the plasters? In the house.

Gone. If your entire house is in flames, it's better to not have a sprained ankle. I cannot argue with you. I don't know who would try. It's all right. Cry. Keep crying.

But how do your legs feel? Fine. Good. You can walk and find a new house. I don't just It's alright Cry Keep crying But How do your legs feel Fine God You can walk and find a new house I went Went bouldering yesterday What was that noise I just reminded me Oh

Oh Reminded me Steve you went Singing lessons Oh La la la la la la So we started going bouldering Carl comes every now and again

But he's on holiday What? Bouldering Stop having weird hobbies You and Karl What's bouldering? It's like rock climbing But it's a small wall

And you've got like Different colours Do you mean climbing? You mean climbing? Yeah climbing But it's called bouldering Oh is it? Yeah

It sounds like bowling No doesn't it? It does But it's not Yeah but just call it climbing No it sounds like You've got big rocks and you're rolling at things,

like Indiana Jones style. Yeah, it does, right. Right. It's the one where there's like yellow, green, blue. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So at the minute, I'm on blues. I've done it all purple.

That means anything. But... See, I'm going to show you. It means fuck all. Walking around and there's just a kid lying on the floor with the blankets on him. and I think he, like, popped his knee. Oh. And everyone's like, don't go near him.

Like, he's there, and he's just lying there with a blanket on him. Don't go near him? Yeah, in case he was, like, after he had to kick him or something. That's the rules of bouldering. Once you fail, you die alone. He was there for an hour. Right. Just lying there, so everyone's still climbing around him

and he just didn't move he keeps calling out for help well it's his fault for popping his knee how old was he 20s should have given him

the people's elbow should have done yeah should have asked what's your name doesn't fucking matter what the s you pop your knee well

at least your house isn't on fire what would be worse you can't slip least your house isn't on fire. What would be worse? You can't slip over your house if you can't stand up. Absolutely. Pure, unadulterated, rowdy facts. They call them rowdy facts. Shall we do some questions?

Go on. I missed you doing the questions. I can't do them so I was letting the producers do them and they're you know they're fine

and I forgot and then picked three weird questions it's to be fair Harry Robinson's doing a great job filtering out some just repetition

and and there's we get loads and shite have a word pod at gmail.com the easiest way to get stuff answered is on Patreon

because we've now got so many Patreons that when they message directly on Patreon, we sort of prioritize them because they're the people who get it. And I know there's public listeners and we appreciate you as well, but just Patreons are better.

Ian Lewis says, Wag Wag Lids, given that the world is fucked and seconds from top... Oh, by the way, these might all be repeated because what I found in my absence, no one deletes everything, anything, sorry. So these could be just as soon as it sounds familiar.

Wag wag lids, given that the world is fucked and seconds from... Okay. Oh, you're a bloody joker, isn't it? He's a bloody joker, isn't he? He said it, he knew it wasn't right, but he said it. Proper put me off my fucking track, isn't it? Given that the world is fucked and seconds from total annihilation at any time. All right, boys, that proper put me off my fucking track, innit? Given that the world is fucked and seconds from total annihilation at any time, all right, Ian.

Imagine there's been a worldwide catastrophe, nuclear war, asteroid hit, massive volcano, or kebab shops all ran out of garlic sauce. Ian, you fucking japester. You chaps have somehow survived, and now you're trying to make your way in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Oh, Ian. What would each of you

bring to the table? Is Dan secretly an expert in bushcraft? Can Adam easily extract water from what's around him? That sort of shit. Personally, I'm a fat

arsehole, so I'd probably just end up begging for dinner for the rest of my crew. Keep up the good work. Can't wait for Dan to come to Glasgow later in the year.

Thanks, Ian. You've already done Glasgow. Yes. I for Dan to come to Glasgow later in the year. Thanks. Ian, you've already done Glasgow. Yes. I've got to go back. That wasn't just a dig. Yeah, yeah. Can't wait to see

Dan in Glasgow. Have you got another Glasgow date? Yeah, another date. My Glasgow date is selling amazing. Cardiff is selling amazing.

Colwyn Bay is as good as sold out. Dublin, we've just added an extra show because as good as sold out. Dublin, we've just added an extra show because the first one sold out. Belfast, pull your fucking socks up. It's just been a little bit slow. It's been a little bit slow.

I feel that's the only one of the non-English gigs that's a little slow. I'm really looking forward to doing Comedy Over The Water. Belfast is basically the first night of the tour. I'd love to not start on a quiet one. So Belfast, where are you?

Um, I think what I would bring to the table is a combination of intimidation and raw sexual magnetism, which in a post-apocalyptic world, it's just going to be a few other groups, isn't that? And you want the men to fear me and the women to want to fuck me because then the men will go away and we'll get all the women right cool

so you're not lost about food you just want to shag we got all the women making cookie right who's getting the food in the old post-apocalyptic world the men who were scared of me go and get me my fucking dinner right okay

so you're within a few days you're some sort of totalitarian leader of a post-apocalyptic murder side nice one yeah yeah yeah

he says thank you when you give him a yeah yeah yeah what is to stop some absolute like this is my fear in a post-apocalyptic world

that bouncers all group together and like UFC you know like a UFC gym like Paddy the Baddy's gym. I'm sure there's some fucking... Most bouncers

are thick as fuck, aren't they? So we could mind game them into doing what we need them to do. And you're on the right. I'd like to go drinking in Liverpool ever again.

Strongly disagree. Carry on talking. All yours. No, they're just a bit stupid, aren't they? Like not very intelligent. You know? You wouldn't want one of them on countdown.

No. No, but fair enough. Never going to be a special, is it? Have you seen eight out of ten cats do countdown? Have you seen bouncers do countdown? Rachel Riley got punched. Rough. John won this week with 11.

John. There's double figures we've had. There are two again. Rough John won this week With 11 John John There's double figures we've had We're at two again Yeah but the target was 411 mate There's literally a nine there I love a little number I love a little number I love a little one

I love a little one Just all little ones Okay and that's what you've got I'm out Don't do it Got a counter Loads of people in I'll have a little one. I'll have a little one. Just all little ones. Okay, and that's what you've got. I'm out. One, one, one, one, one, one. Got a counter. Loads of people in. One of my favourite things on this part now

is to just say something that makes you nervous. I'm not really, like... It's just really... It's so stupid, aren't it? But it's just the way you've got this amazing like dangerous tenders trying to make me laugh but just going against whole massive sways of the population uh i've mentioned the police fuck the police fucking rapid cunts yeah but i actually meant that oh gee gee um what would i bring i don't know you could juggle i'm quite far so i instantly learned how to do

something in a post-apocalyptic uk that i can't do now yeah right you have a lot of time in your hands while i'm punching people's heads and shagging all the women oh i'm just i'm there juggling that's a ball again so i'm just sticking you can juggle all the turnips that i don't get the fellas to get for turnips what. What about tin goods? No. Turnips. But the tins have run out. Right. Oh,

were you talking like long term? So, you post-apocalyptic, you've got to start growing food again. Right. All the tins are gone. I'm, I'm, post-apocalyptic,

I'm worried initially about the, how it goes at first. Yeah. Because I'm probably one of the harder people in Sorghal, I imagine. It's just a load of, Cocker Sorghal. Nanners and fucking, I am the cook of Sorg people in Sorgel, I imagine. It's just a load of... Cock a Sorgel? Nannies and fucking...

I am the Cock a Sorgel. That sounds like a dog breed. Cock a Sorgel! What breed is Cock a Sorgel? He'll punch you off fucking heaven. Don't take it down to Bleakin'. It's a shithouse in Bleakin'. Honestly, there's just a load of nannies around our way. don't take it down to Bleakin it's a shit house in Bleakin honestly

there's just a load of nannas round our way there's one one co-op load of nannas a pharmacy a shit pub and a load of Jehovas

on our street twat Jehovas so I'd be alright as long as no one came for an away leg and then I'd be in trouble do you know what I mean I think if everyone

just fucked off and left Sorgel alone I'd survive I'd be alright it. Do you know what I mean? I think if everyone just fucked off and left Sorgel alone, I'd survive. I'd be alright. It'd be the big city mice that came calling. Maybe the Jehovah's is hard. I don't know. The Jehovah's probably love a poster. No, they'd hate it.

Because isn't that their whole thing? Genuinely, we've got three houses of Jehovah's Witnesses on our street. No, you have not. We've got the Jehovah's end. Did you knock on each other's houses? Like the away end. There's something that God wants you to know.

No, they don't knock on each other's houses. Can I tell you about Jehovah's? Oh yeah, fucking hell. No, you're from church. Stop knocking on number 22 knobheads. Have they knocked on yours yet? No. Which is offensive, isn't it? Because I think Jehovah's are like,

the world is going to end, and unless you're one of us, you're going to hell, and you're getting fucking bum raped forever. I think that's their whole thing, isn't it? The day of judgment is coming. I wish I'd researched this, because these cunts are two doors down.

Seem lovely, dead friendly. Right next to Margie. No, no knock-on. No knock-on. What? I said right next to margie no no knock on no knock on what i said right next to margie three don't that um yeah so that's a bit of a fuck you in it if i got a knock on my door now and it would be a surprise in a tower block but if i got a knock on now from uh jehovah's witness jehovah's really trying to up the game we're going penthouse to penthouse i i actually have the conversation

with them. I hear them out. Yeah. What do you know? I don't know what they've got to say. I want to know why. They've been in a year. They moved in a year ago.

Where have you been? Have you just decided we should be saved now? Nah, he's gone. He's bought another car. Maybe they think you're a Jehovah's Witness. Maybe you give off Jehovah vibes.

What, did he just assume, well, there's three houses here. Maybe they're just like, well, he's obviously a Jehovah's Witness. Maybe you give off Jehovah vibes. What, did he just assume, well, there's three houses here. Maybe they're just like, well, he's obviously a Jehovah's Witness, so we don't need to convey it to him. No, fuck, am I obviously a Jehovah's Witness? Maybe in disguise. Well, I don't even...

Maybe you're so the opposite of Jehovah's Witness that, like, he's triad. Has to be one. I run the rest of it. Yeah, he's a clever, smart... He's doing God's work, literally, trying to get people fucking over to do the same. We don't take work home with you, do we? Yeah, so it makes sense if they people fucking over to do this we don't take

work home with you do you so it makes sense if you don't knock on yours i don't that's true those jehovah's wouldn't knock on their own street would they so they probably go all the way like like elsewhere to spread the word of god and i need to look up what a jehovah's witness is i genuinely don't know i think it's day of judgment doom unless you're part of a Jehovah's Witness is. I genuinely don't know. I think it's Day of Judgment, Doom. Unless you're part of the Jehovah's, you're fucked. What's the general belief? Right. They do not salute the national flag.

They don't believe to have... Right. So they don't do Christmas, Easter, and birthdays. Oh, you fun cunts. What's that religion where they don't do Christmas, Easter and birthdays. Oh, you fun cunts. What's that religion where they don't let you have any medicine? Yeah, it's Jehovah's. Is it? They're blood transfusions.

You're not allowed blood transfusions. Like Pacquiao as well, though. Okay. Manny Pacquiao. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, just made me nervous. I know Carl's away, but... Yeah, they also refuse blood transfusions,

even though that could be life-saving imagine that imagine you fucking your kids on the fucking lazies imagine how much faith you've got to have in the fucking big fella on the chair if your kid's on his lazies and you're like nah he's not having any blood in mate if i was a kid and i wasn't allowed to celebrate birthdays or christmases i'd be like i don't need a blood transfusion i just want to end it now fucking Fucking find me a marble corner. We don't. They can't kiss before marriage. They can fuck though.

They're all fridges. They can finger. They can fuck. They can finger. It doesn't say they can't finger. They can fuck. They actually can fuck. They're just not allowed to suck each other off

or do any oral. Bullshit. Bullshit. Where's the bell? Where's the bell? Suck each other off or do oral. You know when I said

my mouth is for my marriage? That was from that. I swear to God. They can fuck but they can't use their mouth for anything. What? No.

You're such a good liar. No. I reject it. Look it up. Oh yeah, so the Jehovah's are all gangbanging down the road. As long as you don't kiss.

Not on some mouth. Witness the fitness Jehovah might see. see right so no noshing no noshing no oral no rimming no nipple kisses no nipple kisses no snogging oh my god they can fuck each other in the ass right so it's like they can do double penetration it's like a kiss right it's like morning sex when you're on a hangover and you're like let's just do it I'm horny don't kiss me in my breath fucking

hums yeah that is basically a Jehovah's Witness life they actually don't have to brush their teeth because no one ever gets close enough to their mouth

all right call a 69 heaven and hell do you only say three out of four dentists recommend like Colgate the fourth ones are

Jehovah's Witness superb cheers mate superb I felt like when I said it was quite good and you completely missed it I know

but I was just I was just enjoying that so much so much yeah right well these cunts aren't knocking on so what a fuck you that is

what nothing what nothing what you didn't know what I said did you what

I said you know the way three out of four dentists recommend Colgate the fourth one is Jehovah's Witness he's just like don't brush your teeth you don't need to why would you need to

brush your teeth you're not going to be kissing anyone unless you want the Lord to burn you forever be honest have you made that up no

how do you know you didn't even know for definite about the blood transfusions how do you know about the no kissy sex I don't know just know

you just know do you yeah right I might ask them do you want about the no kissy sex? I don't know. Just know. You just know, do you? Yeah. Right. I might ask them. Do you want to come with me? Should we do a Patreon special where I knock on a Jehovah's Witness? Fucking role reversal.

Just knock on like, Hi, I'm Dan from down the road. Have you ever thought about wanking loads and doing a bit of coke? What about that? Just lean in. Anyone kiss you? Yeah. And they won't kiss you. Nice. Might give you a little handy.

Right, cool. Wow. Nice. Laura loved that. Good question though, Ian. Really. Spells. It's not cheating if you get a handjob of a Jehovah's Witness on the doorstep.

It's not. I mean, yeah. It's not. mean Yeah It's not No Your cock was just there On the doorstep though Yeah

If they've knocked They're not going to Wipe me off are they If they've not Even knocked on to save me They're not going to Bloody hell He's here

I genuinely think They just think you're one of them And they're like Do you know what he's safe Right Or Steve's right And they're waiting for Like the away leg

Jehovah's Witness come to you Because they just do all theirs and like fucking aberdeen or whatever right they commute up to aberdeen yeah because they don't jehovah on each other's doorstep it's great it's too close to home isn't it too close to home like they don't want to you don't want to knock on and be like have you heard about the lord and used to be like aren't you from number 42 yeah so if i get a like ding dong hey have you heard the word yeah is that what they say loads of geordie jehovah's witness bombing manchester oh geordie yeah good save good bloody save um talking about blow jobs talking about about mouth pleasure Guy Matthews says wag wag lids Harry's asked for some

juicier questions so I've decided I'm going to try and come up with a would you rather that'll stump old rowey bags would you rather only get one blowjob a year

but it's always the best blowjob you've ever had meaning they gradually get better over the years so it's one a year and then they're like oh fucking 2022 was amazing.

2023, what? 2024, what? Or you get blowjobs on tap, but they gradually get worse with each one you receive. I await your response. Cheers. That's from Guy. On tap.

Because no matter how bad a blowjob gets It's never going to be not good Right It is No but it's like It is though No it's not It's like watching Liverpool

Sort of struggle to a 1-0 win Still a win innit Still 3 points If you have 10 blowjobs No yeah How many blowjobs are you going to have a day Probably one innit One

Maybe two. One with breakfast and one before bed. While you're brushing your teeth. Yeah. Get that toothpaste off your face. Oh, that's not toothpaste. It's cum. Oh, the Jehovah's have turned off now.

That's too far for them. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, they can't do do all so you get two a day yeah from before you get two blow jobs a day within a year the blow you've had 700 blow jobs right yeah how much worse is it gonna be oh it's april 2022 how bad could it be though because here's what you've got you could like have the tasmanian devil here's what you're forgetting though you're forgetting about the nature of infinity go right i mean i can't i expected to talk about this the universe is massive right head guns on and on there is only, you've got to give me this as a fact. Is it Stephen Hawking?

Sort of, right? There is only so bad that a blowjob can get. Right? Right. There is a limit on how bad it can be. Before it's what, not counted as a blowjob, it's just someone chewing on your balls. Exactly.

Right. Right? So if I'm going to have two blowjobs a day forever, then the very last blowjob I ever have, Right. Right? So if I'm going to have two blowjobs a day forever, then the very last blowjob I ever have, which will be in years and years and years and years to come, the very last one I'll have will be that bad. Terrible.

Right? So it's increments. But until then, it's very tiny increments of getting worse if I'm going to have two a day. So in a year's time, they're still going to be fucking amazing. Yeah. Because it, like you said, what, 700 in a year? I'm 30.

Let's say I live to 80, right? Which with medical science, let's hope for the best, right? So I've got 50 times 700 blowjobs, which is 35,000 blowjobs. Yeah. So at least 25,000 of them are going to be good. Right.

It's only the last 10,000 that are going to be shit. The last 10,000 when you're old. Yeah, but by then I'll be senile and I'll forget as soon as it's finished. Right. Mathematically, I'm fucking banging on the money here. That was Hawken as well. Yeah, it was.

I remember him saying it. Properties of an expanding blowjob. Yeah. The nature of infinity means it doesn't... It can't get worse very quickly. By the end. And actually,

the more blowjobs I have, the more I have, the smaller the increments of getting worse. What about this human error? Do you know, what if just one day, old fucking Maureen, is it the same bird? Sure. Just accidentally, like, bites you a little bit.

No, no, no, no. No, this is a woodsy rather. I mean, the parameters of woodsy rather, they get better with every, they get worse with every single one. And the only way that can happen, with the nature of infinity... I mean, just keep saying it and I'll believe it more.

The nature of infinity. Stephen, what about... Geordie Steven Hawkins. I can't remember which comedian... I can't remember which comedian does the Geordie Steven Hawkins. It must be Dave Johns, because he's such a legend and I love him but he just he did what right he was like he did the joy like the universe is massive it goes

on and on and it's always stuck with me and now mentally i remember are you okay? No? We cannot see what you're thinking of seeing. I go one blowjob. I deserve a medal of valour for not saying. I don't know what you didn't say. I'll tell you in a minute. Okay. Such a dick teaser, that, innit? I'll take one phenomenal blow don't look at steve

directly in the eyes when you say that steve i'll take one phenomenal blow job of you you're the business manager now steve you're earning good money see you in june okay phenomenal self-control it's the biggest self-edit i've ever seen in my life i don't even know what's been edited out oh do you know what i feel like right now is that when john sucked you know when zecanio picked the ball up and refused to put it into an empty neck because i haven't had a play down injured that's what i've just done i've gone no it's not fair right not fair i'm paul jenner we'll come back from the halftime break and the Federation of International Podcasting will have given Adam a Fair Play Award. Brilliant self-editing there.

Right. I'm going to go one phenomenal blowjob a year. Thank you. Stop looking at Steve when you say it. Go on, do another question. One more? Yeah. Juan, Juan Moore.

Would you rather have double intelligence but live half as long? Oh, the nature of infinity. More. Would you rather have double intelligence but live half as long? Oh, the nature of infinity. Or live double as long and have half the intelligence? This has nothing to do with the nature of infinity. I've seen double as long. Twice.

Or live double as long. David Reed, I think we know which one you chose. Would you rather... David Reed hard. He does find reading hard. He finds reading hard. I had to get that PokerStars money. Sneak.

Not paid. So would you rather have double the intelligence, but your life expectancy is half, so you're fucking well clever, but you're like dead at fucking 64. Instead of 128. Or you're thick, a bit thick, but you're dead old. So basically I live to 40 or 160 based on me 80 from before.

Right. So what's the national average? 80. Yeah. If you're from Dovey 74 yeah felt really cunty sorry if you're from

Dovey an asthmatic 62 what's your mentally what's your life expectancy 80

I think that's the target is that what's in your head yeah right cool since Shane

Warne died mine's come right down no I think I'll hit 80 because by then there'll be medical marvels Yeah. Right. Cool. Since Shane Warne died, mine's come right down. No, I think I'll hit 80. Because by then, there'll be medical marvels. Really?

There'll be like advances in medicine. Cool. Do you reckon the first person who's going to live to 200 has already been born? Yeah. Could be me. But they can't even cure genital warts, so I don't even think,

you know, like I know everyone's like, medical science, they'll sort everything out. Yeah. But, you know. But I know everyone's like medical science. It'll sort everything out. Yeah. But, you know. But I think more people are concentrating on the living longer than the genital warts. I think that's the thing.

That's true. That's true. That's why McMillans do adverts and like Dick Warts isn't a massive advert. Sounded like Harry Potter-esque, didn't it? I'd rather live. 160's too long. I don't want to live that old. So I don't want to be stupid at 160.

Can I not just stay as I am and be who I am at 80? Yeah, good. Good would you rather. Thank you, David Reed, for that. No, I just want to be me. This is shit. I'm worried that half... Like, I'd like to be more intelligent. No, you know what? be me. This is shit. I'm worried that half, like I'd like to be more intelligent.

No, you know what? I don't think I would. I don't think I would. Really smart people. I think you need a bit of thick. That's why Michael E. I can't remember his name exactly, but I had a kid on fucking antidepressants at school.

He was so smart. And he was like, oh, what is the point? We were like, let's play football again. It was great being a bit thick just get on with it girls tits are good aren't they he was like yeah what's the point i've got to pick one i'm being thick till i'm 160 as long as i'm healthy all the way and i get it right go see granddad adam yeah he's still here come find the door on his way out. Brilliant. The whole ignorance is bliss. It's that, isn't it?

For your life. I think you want to hit that sweet spot of like, you can work your life, but you're not like, existence is meaningless. You know? But at the same time, you don't want to be a constant head the ball,

like, I've done it again. I'm thick to 160. 100 100 i'm worried that i'm dead at 52 shame one i need to stop okay i need to look after myself yeah if you if you go intelligence and half your life you'd be dead now huh you're not gonna be 82 are you my if my energy drinks for breakfast I know but they're so nice and they make me feel jittery

in a good way but you don't make an 82 while this is you hang on it's not half of it's what's your life expectancy now

I'd say mine's 62 if you halve what I've got left I'm gone at 51 that's not what they said yeah it's half your life expectancy no from this point

right okay yeah oh well that's different then definitely thicker and longer I'm gone at 51. That's not what they said. Yeah. It's half your life expectancy. No, from this point. Right, okay. Yeah. Oh, well, that's different then. Then definitely thick and longer. Right. Right. Yeah. Because I've got, what, 50 years left,

so another 50 years on top of that. So 130. That's well better than 160. I'll take that. Oh, come on. He's in. Oh, can we just, just before we go for lunch,

can we just give a shout out to the dead men talking lads for the amazing thing they did on patreon got over a thousand

already gave them a big shout for patreon this week because freddie co-hosted obviously oh right okay but like just for the public because

go and check them out they got a thousand patrons just horrific comedy and i mean like they're watching the most horrific videos on the internet and showing it to their guests and if you like that disgusting uh really offensive vile stuff which i do uh then go and check them out it's freddie or bag they're our boys it's great to see someone fucking nailing it on patreon

we're going for lernando's now okay Okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Hello, everyone. Let's talk about one of our sponsors today. It's NordVPN. Now, I don't know loads about VPNs, but the man to my left here is addicted to the internet, and he's an expert. See, the fact that you don't use VPN for your private little Danny time is insane to me.

It's the most secure way to save the internet. You can set your location to anywhere on the planet, and that means you get access to, like, for your private little Danny time is insane to me. It's the most secure way to save the internet. You can set your location to anywhere on the planet. And that means you get access to like, you can change it to America. You get American Netflix. You can change it to like Saudi Arabia and you get to watch the Premier League football with the six Saudi Arabian commentators on.

You get to watch Premier League football that's at three o'clock that you can't get over here. It's just a sick way of tricking your computer or any device into thinking you're anywhere in the world you i can't recommend it enough and the fact that they're now a sponsor and i get a membership of nord vpn for free is it's my favorite sponsor so far apart from manscape because they help me shave my balls the deal is a two-year deal plus one month for just 65 quid $89 which is about 65 quid it's an amazing deal

it is at nordvpn.com slash have a word code word have a word go and get it watch the footy watch whatever you want tell your computer where you are he doesn't get to tell you where you are my computer sometimes looks at me without my VPN I'm like hey

we're in Liverpool you and I'm like no you're not you're in Belarus nailed it we're on do you know what I think Stephen has really stepped

into this producer role quite well he's done alright hasn't he feeling the pressure he's doing the job of two men three

he's still doing his own job and Finns and Carls because they're off gallivanting smashing pussy all around the world yeah that's definitely what uh carl's doing don't feel don't feel pressure me you mean do you know bill carl was telling me him and said i could have a gangbang the other night in the maldives

100 true that's the fact Paul's here I can't imagine Regal having any kind of threesome or anything he'd be like a bit like now he'd consider a hack wouldn't he he'd be like be a bit shy

and let everyone else get on with it and just watch he'd do what he'd do on this podcast he'd let everyone else do the main stuff and then he'd just

put his dick in and be like that's it 20 minutes he wouldn't tell us about it no I think he's a kinky

little fucking Spaniard isn't he do you reckon oh yeah they're into it do you reckon every time every time we have a Bev

Seric is like and then this and like tries to tell me stuff like he's got fucking crack addiction and he's gone cold turkey. I think they're into dirty things.

Just don't talk about it. Where is us? Just us. Do you think she's ever shit on him? Oh, he's loving this. I hope he's watching this on his 42-gram holiday. And he can't edit it out because he's on holiday. Like they should never normally make the cut.

Do you think Seneca shits on Carl in the bedroom? What do you think? Oh, poop. carl in the bedroom what do you think oh poop oh i hope not no nah i don't think he'd i think he'd be more worried about because i reckon he's got nice duvet covers carl's not a cleanly person no but i reckon he he's a person who'd buy a good like thread count no he isn't no no is he not i imagine he'd buy a good, like, thread count. No, he isn't. No? No. Is he not? I imagine he'd buy a good thread count. No, Serica is. Serica might be, but Carl would get... He'd have, like, Paris Saint-Germain.

Carl would get fucking George Holm two-pound bed sheets and be like, sheets are sheet, lad. Well, then they're the ones you want to poo on. Saving up for the Maldives, aren't they? So, sheets are sheet. 100%. Every time someone talks about all that. He's not tight, he's frugal.

That's tight tight isn't it yeah or was it my round yes oh he's gonna love this episode remember we were going on the stag

and Rob asked him for the money he went oh I've spent too much this week so I don't want any more money coming out of my bank

and Rob was like what the fuck does that mean the money's in your bank it's gonna be the same money in your bank next week and he was like yeah I just don't want same money in your bank next week and he was

like yeah i just don't want to spend any more money this week and i was like that's the weirdest thing you've ever heard in my life yeah oh he'd hit his quote already it's his budget in the budget and mental oh carl i hope i hope you watch this i'm gonna buy him some duvet covers for christmas nice egyptian Oh, 400 count. Oof. Yeah. Same amount, a little bit.

600. Is it? I'm going to get him a 600. You're just saying numbers. Yeah, 1,200. 6 million thread. 2,000 counts. Yeah, yeah.

Get them in from China. China! I love spending money on bedding. It's just so nice. So nice. It's my happy place. You need good bedding. It's just so nice. So nice. It's my happy place. You need good bedding. Can't be fucking...

I've got a Super King now, and it's fucking mad. I get in. I have to order it. You never have to make shops, unless you're in Dunhill. What a problem to have. It is.

I have to order it online. My bed's too fucking big, and there's only one shop that sells me fucking massive quilts. I love my bed. You know I love my bed, right? I've always wanted a Super King bed. Yeah.

Always. Well, not always. Not when I was like three or number in my adult life as long as i can what do you dream of little paul whatever it takes when my ex was pregnant with a with alex i fucking i ordered the super king bed and i was fuck i had it on the calendar and everything i was fucking made up i was counting down the days and i'm new i had new bed day written on the calendar in the kitchen and when new bed day came i dragged the old bed into the garden and ceremonially smashed it a bit with my feet laughing my head off just smashed it to complete smithereens the whole thing and then the fella turned up with the bed looked and went it's not going up there though

what you mean anyway did you not measure i went i went i ordered online he was like yeah he should have uh should it should have went to shop and uh got them to come and measure up because that's not going up downstairs and i was like what to do we have to take it back you have to get a king size one and i went what you just go back and get a king size one he went no you gotta order it's like 12 week leader so i had to go and drag the old bed out of the garden a mattress in and it being raining i had to drag the mattress back in dry it with a hair dryer and my pregnant ex-wife had to sleep mattress on the floor for the last like fucking three months of her pregnancy it wasn't a happy time and you say you didn't last

i think that's what the hair dryer that was actually it was in the divorce papers as a reason so when you watch this kid for bed gate how big is it now man if that was you then where are you at now bed so you're like shocking now i'm on super king that's the biggest is california king bed isn't it by six foot like the famous rihanna song yeah i literally you're just saying words i don't know how big california king bed is essentially like for from like wall to wall in here must be eight foot right there's super kings three pillows were either imagine two dwarves so I imagine things pillows oh sorry mate

we're not getting up these stairs that's two and a half pillows tall hey for the bed man that would be a reasonable way to imagine it it would

it would how many cushions though alright don't do metric yeah I've had the same thing with the Super King bed moved into a house I was like we're doing it

I got a cheap one and had to sort of like fold it like a fucking burrito up the stairs it was fucked can you just

rewind a second fold it like a burrito those things that you fold you know burritos I'm always folding burritos me I get a burrito and I'm like

do you know what do you fold a burrito it's a wrapper you wrap it don't you you know fold you have to fold it is a taco is a taco a fold yeah I'm like do you know what do you fold a burrito it's a wrapper you wrap it don't you you know fold you have to fold it is a taco is a taco a fold

yeah I'm just going to back you up then hey we'll edit it out do your line again go on I remember also getting a bed

and it being the stairs were only two pillows tall and I had to four foot yeah it's a small house and I shut this is my line whose line is it mine and i had to yeah it's a small house and i shut this is my line whose line is it man and i had to fold you've stepped all over my line and i had to fold it like a taco

you don't really fold tacos though do you oh go fuck yourself you're getting said to me that you're a pedo. It's great to see you, mate. You too, mate. Great to see you. Never mind about that divorce. You're getting married soon, aren't you? Yeah, married three weeks.

Three weeks. Fuck you, Helen. Oh, no, don't. Don't put that in. She watches this. She watches this. Hiya, Helen. Do not edit that out.

It's going to be really funny. Helen got in touch with you and she was like I'm worried about Dan and his wife they don't sleep they sleep separately the weirdest message ever you get like

Paul Smith message you go weird one but my ex is worried about you and your missus you're like okay that's normal

I got a message yesterday on Twitter this might be the weirdest one I've ever had i'm just gonna read it out to you uh i couldn't believe it was real so hello mate mad request this we went to school with each other right i was a few years older so that means we didn't go to school together doesn't it we went to the same school and go to school together because you were older i love your podcast my ex bird got into it, and she's banging to it. Listen, I want her back.

Can you record a voice note for me? Just saying, Andy loves you, and he's sorry. All he wants is to sort things out. Her name's Charlotte. Oh, and by the way, we have the same barber. Oh, my God.

It's funny that you bring that up, because I've been commanded. I've just been to get my hair cut. He's told me off for not going in to get my hair cut. He's demanded that I ask you what the fuck's going on. Anthony is very upset with you. What? He said that you've let yourself down.

So I've moved into town, haven't I? And I've been on tour. Yeah. And West Derby although it's like it's in Liverpool so you go to the same barbers we've had the

we've had the same barbershop for years same as fucking Freaky yeah and I just haven't whenever I've had time

to get a haircut it's been like I've got an hour before I'm leaving town I've had to cut in other cities he's fuming you know of course he is it's like I swear to god he didn cut in other cities He's fuming you know Of course he is It's like

I swear to God He didn't shut up about it While I was in there Of course he is And he's telling everyone That comes in Cheating on your barber Is bang out of order

That's bad And Anthony I know you watch it sometimes And you'll probably watch this one And apparently you said Because he said Now that you've moved into town You're going to get a different barber

And you said Nah lad All my family lives down here I'm loyal Yeah I did say that Lie to his face i did lie to his face because it was easier than sitting there silently they were the only options he's not happy at all you know he's not going to be happy cheating on your barber's a big thing and i've been a whore i've been everywhere he's a bad one to cheat because he's not a quiet barber either no no no he's not

I'll be back soon and no one cuts hair like you and that's the problem actually he told me to tell you that you're going to have to pay a premium now for him to fix whoever's fucked your head up ok well then I won't be back I'll keep going to the fancy one in town

they steamed me face while they shaved me beard Okay, well then I won't be back. Yeah. I'll keep going to the fancy one in town. They steamed my face while they shaved my beard. You never did that. You never made me feel that good. I did have to admit, I got my hair cut in Turkey. And he'd done that waxing thing. Yeah. I didn't know what he was going to do. He just went and pointed at me

yeah and I was like and then he just got this like and then he just smashed it into me yeah and he put some

on my cheek covered my nose in it done my other ear and then stuck two things up my nose and Lars was like this is amazing you do look

you do look very hair free but I was like I don't like I don't want him to rip this off but when he did it wasn't that bad

and I swear to god they took a bar of stone off my face I don't know I don't want him to rip this off but when he did it wasn't that bad and I swear to god it took about a stone off my face I don't know what the fuck was in my face and I felt so fresh and now I said to Joe

like you're gonna have to learn to do that mate or I might have to go to a Turkish fella it's like it's like a coloured putty

it's just candle wax I think no just hot like candle wax so he smears it all and then it goes hard and then he just goes fuck off and rips it out

so they put like and takes all the hairs and the blackheads and everything out of everywhere yeah they put like three earbuds in so they've got purchase and then he just goes

fuck off makes for some phenomenal like especially if they're of sort of Finn's descent they have to do they have to do everywhere don't they literally all around

I've seen the full up the arsehole yeah you can tell someone who goes to a Turkish barber's by their beard because like They have to do everywhere, don't they? Literally all around. I've seen the full... Up the arsehole. Yeah. You can tell someone who goes to a Turkish barber's by their beard. Because it's so unbelievably straight. It's like they've done it with a level. Like they've got one of those laser spirit levels where it puts a straight line.

Yeah, but I think it looks a little bit... Yeah, you look like Action Man, 100%. Yeah. Like the girls who draw on their eyebrows yes i have definitely built beard stop here beard start there i don't like it too much i like a bit of fade yeah what happens if the buds break and you just got waxed in your nose how do you get a big blow you have to go to the Aussie. Yeah. The Turkish hospital. Turkish hospital. What's all of that? And then they put a wick in it and just light it

and they're like, 48 hours, you'll be fine, mate. And also, it's going to smell of lavender up there, so, fuck you. It's an energy crisis.

Wee Willie Winky. What car have you come in today? Bentley. Come in your Bentley today. Good move, that, because we've got some speed bumps around here in your lamborghini it wouldn't come anywhere near there in that lambo just bring the mic closer to them speed bumps are fucking pathetic and it's not

if people think you can't go over speed bumps in a lambo you can because you can press a button and lift the nose up it's fine but they would absolutely wreck it you said to me you were thinking about getting rid of the lambo i am why because since i got that bentley it's i have to make an effort to drive this lambo which is the biggest first world problem ever jeez i honestly wish i could show this time our walks to the bus stop together i honestly i wish i could show this video to you like 10 years ago sat here watchers bigger than i did lads tell me about your lambo problems I wish I could show this video to you 10 years ago. Lad. Sat here with watches bigger than our head, lad.

Tell me about your Lambo problems, lad. Yeah, very relatable. Because a lot of people have cars. Hey, you lot know speed bumps. Relatable. Some fucking, I put a picture of me just as a jokey, like put a picture of me like putting petrol in going. I see these people more than my family.

Because obviously he drinks fucking juice some fella went fucking mad at me saying I was taking the piss out of the pod and I was like how am I only going on about fucking

people get very angry on the internet though he apologised though to be fair of course because he's having a bad day I'm getting to that point where people who

like when they're like aggressive or angry on Twitter or whatever I'm trying my best to just be overly nice to them they always break but sometimes if I'm in my best to just be overly nice to them they always break but sometimes

if I'm in a bad mood then I'll fucking go back do you know what I mean yeah when the bad gimp comes out yeah you bad gimp you gotta be careful now though

because you're saying it in bad back and Instagram just goes you're bullying yeah I got a video took down the other day of me doing crowd work just crowd work

and it wasn't even that bad got took down for bullying and I was like that's the end of me that that starts happening i'm for paper bentley's with bullying you can't do this to me yeah scared the army yeah because our context crowd work yeah it's brilliant it's absolutely like picking someone out and then going what'd you do look at what you're wearing you're You big fat goth. Where are you from? Fucking wall cunt.

Well, I'll make tea out of me. That's actually perfectly in context. I love the crowd work. You fucking stupid swat. Next. That's Adam's MC. Try to shy away from it. You fat wall goth next

maybe you shouldn't have booked a gig in Warrington you were telling us before you nearly got in a lot of trouble with your Lamborghini one of the reasons you get in it is because you keep speeding in it but accidentally it's not accidentally it's because I'm a fucking arsehole egotistical prick and whenever

some fucking little dickhead in a fucking golf fucking GTI pulls up and starts revving next to me I go well fuck you then and I started racing some cunt at like

half eleven at night past the Royal Hospital went up Islington but you've got a Lambo against a golf like do you think yeah but I still want to

I want him to know I'm faster because he thinks he's faster no he doesn't though does he he does no

what you're doing there is the same as like Usain Bolt turning up at a school sports day being like fucking beating I want him to know I'm faster because he thinks he's faster. No, he doesn't, though, does he? He does. No. What you're doing there is the same as Usain Bolt turning up at a school sports day and being like, fuck, I'm beating all you cunts. Yeah. Usain Bolt, if he was at a school sports day and it was all the dads versus each other, Usain Bolt would still go, I'm going to win this. I might not go my full fucking nine, three, six seconds,

but I'm doing a solid 10 seconds as soon as some Graham got some spikes out you're saying to be like oh cool cool cool I'm going to have to go up to third gear today yeah as soon as some dad turned up in Lycra I'm going to take the piss out of you so I thought fuck it

so I've come round and I've gone back on stage lane and then I just saw this cop come up behind me but this is the third time I've been stopped lately and I've only been stopped one other time in my life in my car the other time I'll tell you about the other time

I'll say it was definitely so he pulls up behind me and then I realised I had two ounces of weed in my boot so I'm like I could go to prison

that's prison time that's prison time yeah and I'm like what the fuck are you doing so he follows me right down edge lane pulls me over comes up he's fuming he's like That's prison time, yeah. And I'm like, ah, what the fuck are you doing? So he follows me right down Edge Lane, pulls me over, comes up,

he's fuming. He's like, why are we racing your mate? And I was like, and he went, don't lie to me. And I went, ah, yeah,

I was just being daft, me sorry. And he took all my details and that. And I was thinking, fucking hell. And he went, under section 59,

dangerous driving, I can seize the car. Like, he was speeding and that's like, pointing that, but like, under section 59

or whatever it was, I can seize the car. And I was like, fuck fuck if they seize this car one I've lost the car and two they're going to find two ounces of weed in the boot

and then he went he went where have you come from and I went I've just done some shows allegedly allegedly yeah

this is not true this is all a new material for my next tour which is on sale in three weeks adamrode.co.uk so he went oh i thought that was you and then he just he went oh yeah i see him when the police all turned up when i in lockdown and start and like we're trying to get in it it was funny that

way i went out i went is this camera for that is it's like joking around with him and he went no no i thought it was funny and then he was fine he went i'm gonna let you off with the warning now and i was thinking fucking hell nice one so then he let me off but i thought that's i'm running out of lives here because like the week before i got stopped taking no chelsea from one of the show managers in work chelsea love chelsea yeah she's sound she's pregnant so i'm driving Past Goodison Park Taking her home And I know I wasn't Going fast Yeah but I know

I wasn't going fast Because I had a pregnant Woman in the car So I wasn't Going mad So blue lights Behind me And I'm like

Was I going fast I don't think so But it's so easy To just creep up To 40 in that car Yeah because it's not Meant to do any Letters

It's ridiculous Yeah You touch it And it's doing At 40 it's going Go on Paul Do it Come on's doing so i was like 40 it's going go on paul do it if you get it i feel like it's waste getting stopped doing 40 you know i mean in a 30 because you're like it's not even enough to be fucking good speed yeah i don't think the police see it

like that no i think if they if you do 75 in a 30 they think that's much worse don't they get angry yeah um so he's he called me, any reason you were revving so much? Right? And I was like, what do you mean? He went, like a day here from a few streets away.

I went, that's just a loud car, you know. Now I know, I, in a Lambo, you can take, it's got three settings

so you can have strada which is street, it's got, what is it? It's got strada, sport and corsa. So in sport and corsa, it opens the exhaust so it pops and it sounds a lot better.

So I just have it in Sport. So it goes and pops all over the place and sounds that good. But you can turn that off so it's a little bit quieter. It's still loud, but it's a bit quieter. But I didn't want to tell him that because then it makes it look like I've done it on purpose. So I went, it's just a loud car, know and he was like so again he stuck all my details and he and he went like he went uh it's something about uh the noise pollution or something he went

again he was like uh you can seize the car and i was like are you sure anyway because i don't know what to do with me because when i turn this car back on it's going to be that loud again and he was like and then he went look at me funny he went from the comedy club I went yeah he went oh I mean you watch your videos all the time you think you're that funny I went I'm glad you said that mate because I'm trying not to take the piss here you just told me to turn my car down and he kind of laughed a little bit right and he goes oh yeah I see what you're saying yeah I went I don't know what to do about it he went no all right yeah i'll get you i'll get your point to it just just be a bit be a bit more safe and i went all right yeah so as i thought i'll make a joke so as he's walking away i went i'm gonna be honest with you mate i'm just gonna wait till i can't see it again and go down fast

again right and he kind of like laughed it off but then he got in the car so i've turned the car back on but i didn't put it in gear and i just went as i was like oh and chelsea went oh fucking hell and then he just followed me for like the rest of the way back to hers but so i had to keep the exhaust open because because i was thinking i'll just turn the exhaust off so i'm gonna fuck now so i have to keep it up so i had to just try to keep it loud i had to keep it loud otherwise it would have looked like i was being a cunt hang on he has turned it down yeah he could turn his car down do you think the police

are just like I'm just going to pull over that Lamborghini for the fuck of it of course they are yeah it's it pig cunts mate scum

the lowest of the low oh god do you know what though it's like I get pulled so much by police now and then that's what I'm saying

I'm running out of lives because I've took the piss out of the police so much. So many, it must get passed around the police stations so they all know who I am. So I just get stopped.

Yeah, they definitely do though. They stop me for like selfies and stuff and I saw, I was coming back, where was it, like fucking, I can't even remember, I was coming back,

I was going, I think it was Stoke or somewhere, some train, oh, Crewe, sorry, Crewe train station, I've come up, one of them British transport police come up and went, oh, can I was going back, I was going, I think it was Stoke or somewhere, some train, oh, Crewe, sorry, Crewe train station,

I've come up, one of them British transport police come up, I went, oh, can I have a picture, right, and I was with Tom, Tom Evans,

who was doing me tour managing, and I went to him, oh, fuck, I was saying, I went, mate, I'll be like,

make sure no one sees though, because it's bad for my reputation, and he was just laughing, so I just talked to him like the knobhead, right, and he was like, can I have a picture, are you sure it's all right,

I went, it's all right, but you can't say it, you've got loads of drugs on me like that and Tom's just going what are you doing what are you doing

and I'm like what he's not going to fucking do that is he I'd love it if he did though it just feels great but then when that happened I was like I'm running out of lives here

I'm running out of lives I need to get rid of this so you're going to sell it well Lambo offered me because they can't get cars back in what conversation do I have with one of you they wanted to buy a bag a bikini he offered to buy a bag I offered him you're going to sell it? Well, Lambo offered me for it. So, because they can't get cars back in. What conversation am I having with one of you guys? They wanted to buy it back off me. My bikini offers to buy it back off me at a profit.

You know what I mean? Just wondering what to do. Yeah, so I make money on it. So I was like, if you can do that then, because it's just sat on my drive and that Bentley's faster. It isn't faster. It is. What?

It's, look, it's 0.2 of a second slower to 60, but it's 15 miles an hour faster at of a second slower to 60 but it's 15 miles an hour faster at top speed that's the top speed 217 miles an hour and the police will be annoyed

if you do that near Goodison but with that one if you go past the police at 217 miles an hour they're not even going to bother trying to chase you out with that one you can

drive it normally as well why? it doesn't it feels alright to drive normally as well no but like what I'm saying is if you were on the motorway

and there's a fucking busy car right yeah and you went past that 217 miles an hour he's not going well let's get after him because by the time he's thought i should probably chase him you're already in fucking newcastle that's what some kid went to me yeah but you know in a lambo just do what you want because they never catch you and i was like yeah but it's an orange lambo yeah it's not that do you know do you know

the police the police aren't fuck if only there were other cars the police were in if only we oh that's not 217 but there's just me here

you just have to go orange Lamborghini into a database and my address would just pop up yeah yeah just drive to mine and wait for me ginger lads

ginger lads orange Lambo you fucking know him with Joker on the license plate oh yeah at 217 miles an hour they're going to see that license plate

clear as day yeah yeah I think that was Paul Smith in his fucking Lambo I love your theory you're going so fast they can't stop you in fact

have you ever driven that fast though no I don't like it oh man if I get up I've been up to 100 accidentally 100

and I was like nah I don't like this he's quite sensible speed If I get up to 100 accidentally, 100, and I was like, no, I don't like this. He's quite sensible speed-wise. He's either the 100 or the 100. Allegedly. Allegedly. When I got that Lambo, we went on a bull run for November,

so I met all these Lambos and fucking Sandbach services. There's like 30 of them there that were driving down to Oxford to meet like... Sandbach Peter Falk Convention of 2021. What? I've never seen. You met a load of Lambos lamborghini drivers in sandbach sandbach to drive down to oxford to then go to blenheim palace where there was like every lambo there was like 400 lamborghinis it was mad it was amazing but i got onto the fucking m6 and i've

never seen anything like it i did that actually in december with me here sportage yeah yeah we all mess around with it was it charlotte richard yeah charlotte richard services yeah yeah we all drove to carlisle all the kids we all drove to carlisle real crack when you got up that's it we went to peter express in carlisle try and find someone who isn't called graham and then came back it was great it was really good fun we've got a booking for 80 for Kia that's what oh the sportage table

yeah yeah yeah every year there must be like a Kia club though there isn't there isn't there must be Kia club

you have two kids you give up a little no there's not it's called Alcoholics Anonymous Al Kia the Lambo club what were the people like as you would expect It's called Alcoholics Anonymous. Alchia. The Lambo Club.

What were the people like? As you would expect. I mean, is it a load of fucking Tories? No, not particularly. No, because I suppose they're all like fucking Land Rovers, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. No, I don't mean Range Rovers. I mean like... Yeah, there's a lot of different people.

I mean, like fucking a lot of midlife crisis, is there, including me. Am I? Yeah, no one of healthy mind is like... I don't know why they call it a midlife crisis because if what I'm experiencing is a midlife crisis, it's not a crisis. It's a fucking belter.

I don't know why they call it like... What do you mean the fact that you've... Well, like the stereotype of a midlife crisis is bought a Lambo and stuff and done as many drugs as... Well, like, the stereo should have come midlife crisis and get a sports car and get a younger woman. Yeah. And that's fucking great, isn't it? That's not a crisis.

It depends what happens at the end of it, though, doesn't it? Well, yeah, I haven't reached that bit yet. Yeah, you haven't reached that bit. The car thing is such a lazy... Oh, you're having a midlife crisis. You've just got more money because you're in your early 40s. Yeah.

That's what it is. I'd have had a dickhead car at 25. I was fucking skint. I couldn't afford it i had a fucking ford escort and that's the best i could afford people like you just got that because it's a midlife crisis no it's not no just the first time i've got expendable income plus i've bought a bmw z4 quite as valid in the conversation is that having four years outside yeah i haven't yeah I haven't met up with any of the Z4 club see you at Sandbatch

boys I've never done that before I'm parked I'm parked almost next to oh can't wait to drive off you excited about getting married

I am you know three weeks today three weeks today getting married on a Friday why well because the wedding got rescheduled didn't it

yes from September so we had to do because really do you think I think we're supposed to get married on a fucking

Monday or Tuesday or something because I oh you're made to comics yeah so I because she was like oh my family's on comics

and I was like yeah because he asked me to be master of ceremonies at his wedding and I wanted to say. Who's drinking? Well, I wanted to say,

give us a cheer if you've been to one of Paul's weddings before. Oh, come on. I asked, but I said, you're going to have to ask Loz.

Has it been vetoed? It's been vetoed. Oh, come on, Laurie. Do you know what? She's got a great sense of humour, but I think with this day,

she's just like, I'm not fucking about with her. Yeah. It was a shame if you haven't been before. Come on, lads. You weren't there last time. Okay, going to do a bit of crowd work, you fat goth wolf.

Sorry. Sorry. You're a great maid of honour, love. Have you been to Gatorsuit yet? No. Mate, Rob somers nearly never got one you know it was really funny i went to machado on tuesday so rob you've got to be fair to rob right paul's gone to a suit shop in is it manchester it's salford yeah right but it's not a

taylor's it's just uh we've got what we've got at the time what i didn't know this at the time that's absolutely fine but that doesn't make this any less ridiculous okay so they've just got what they've got and paul's picked a suit and it's like right everyone's gonna get that suit so rob thomas went in and was like uh i'm usually like a 44 uh but what have you got just give me the fat bastard size and she went well i'll get a 46 i'm gonna say like well that should definitely fit and it didn't and he's like these are too small love and she was like well that is all we sell i've given you the biggest ones and he went so what do we do now then and she said i don't know and what i said to him is the best thing about that is that means you're the fattest person she's

ever dealt with because this isn't a situation she's ever been in before like no one has ever no one has ever not fit into the pants because she doesn't know what protocol is she doesn't know what the next step is so what he's had to do what he's had to do is just buy the pants and i'm in the maximum thing i was like i got there before i was like john i paint and he's like no lads get me a black tea and I was like they don't do black tea it's ordered they got like milk powder

in the cup it's how they do it and I'm feeling like and he's like oh go ahead I'll have a white tea then and I was like what the fuck's wrong with you he's like

I need to fucking fit in these pants so Rob Thomas at the minute is nil by mouse because he's trying to fit in a suit for your fucking wedding i've been asking him to go for ages right because i wanted him and binti to go because they're the fucking he went with binti so i'm thinking if you do

they're not long enough for binti we're all right with everyone binti's wearing three quarters because he went these are not long enough love and she was like again they're the longest we do so what do we do now i don't know rob thomas is don't close and you can see all of binti's socks oh it's fucking wonderful have you done this on purpose no but it's a happy accident binti the clown does have a ring to it to be fair binti the clown does have a ring to it to be fair fucking great he's right because he was calling me and they were both clearly fuming and i was like i was trying to take them seriously because but i was like on the phone just trying not to

fucking laugh my head off because i was like well it's funny isn't it rob thomas asked them what sweatshop they get them made in china because he was going to try and get his own 48 or 50 inch pants on dhk i was like that is a special level of fat when you've got to get your webbing pants imported i would love to be in the factory when they got that order through like he's gonna get material he's gonna take his way we eat for a year keep it coming keep it coming mr rob thomas he is a very wealthy man he's got a he's got a the king of England

he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a

he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a

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he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a

he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a

he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a

he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's got a he's And once he's lost a bit of weight The jacket will be perfect I might I might offer to do it for him And he's like Oh yeah Let me take care of that And then just put like Fucking caution bits in

Or something like that Just like this Police cordon tape I need to fucking kill me Just gingham Two strips of gingham Lovely tablecloth there How many

How many boys you got In the wedding party just bring that it's in a weird angle it escalated a little bit so i've done the total opposite to your last wedding well your last weapon was just me and blair she got involved and she was like well you like because i was just gonna do like you and blair again yeah but then she was like oh what about like jack and that and i was like and it just escalated to like 12 so that's why i went to this place because jamie sutherland got a suit off them because he does all the footy players yeah so we went and the suit was nice and i went oh that's nice so we messaged them and and then when i looked i know lee trundle because he's made to be made yeah so

i was i messaged lee trundle yeah yeah yeah yeah i've trained and he goes to the gym by man when he's up so he's like I'll message him for you so he messaged the guy and was like so we went I'll do you some discounts so he was like I need like 12 suits

so I thought sweet I'll go there but then when I got there I didn't know it wasn't like a Taylor's or nothing you need 12 and a half you're alright

if you're a normal sized human being it's fine like no one else had to bother so what you're saying there is Rob Thomas is abnormal.

No, but he's big. Big, isn't he? He's beautiful. We love you, Rob. He carries it very well. We love him. It looks like he belongs that big. Do you know what I mean?

It suits him. All of us just got the fear. No, I didn't. I'm really enjoying it. I'm serious. He needs a California mattress, don't he? California king. He needs a California mattress don't he California king He needs California duvet cover

No but he It is very sweet that he's dieting down for the wedding He wants to cut down a bit That's why I haven't got mine fitted yet

because I want to be a little bit slimmer I've been doing you know a little gradual just drinking loads of ale and not eating Yeah

All them athletic greens. That'll help. That'll really help. I threw them up. Oh, there you go. Yeah, they will help. What's Laurie doing? So she's obviously vetoed that joke,

which I understand. It's a good joke. She said some of her family won't get it. Yeah, I think they'd be fine. I do as well. I think it's just girls being like, please don't fuck up my big day. I'm really looking forward to it.

I will think of another one, and I'll make it worse now. I mean, you'll have hair to deal with and I wouldn't want to be here if you start if you piss it off on that day she got a big wedding she got loads of

the gal them because I've seen her pictures from the fucking yeah so they've got like the gal there's a menace in my head eight bridesmaids I think

I don't know I don't know it's going to be a fucking shambles I can't wait I've got know it's gonna be a fucking shambles I can't wait I've got no idea we've got a wedding planner who's done most of it

oh is he gay please let him be gay oh it's a woman called Michelle is she gay very organised she's like Monica our friend

nice that's what you want isn't it what time do we finish is it early you're in such an evil mood he in the first section of today's episode

had to self edit so beautifully. We had no idea what he was doing. He sat there going... So the right move. Let's hope this one lasts longer than the last one, eh? And give it three hours and we'll know for sure. What do you say to that, Phil?

I love that. Three, two, one. Hey! At the end of the first dance if you're there for the first dance it'll be a fucking better better turnout than the last time first dance last time was your fucking ex

trying to keep you stood up oh me too you can see me on the day like sipping water on the sleigh trying to stay sober What time What time's the The ceremony over

Two o'clock Oh you fucking legend So much day boozing Oh no sorry The ceremony started too But it's only like It's short It's like half an hour

Yeah And we're not gonna do Much of the like Standing around picture shit We've got the photographers just doing candid shit yeah just real

just real real don't want it all fake yeah right and she's got to do an Oscar's costume change

are you writing your own vows yeah are you have you are you happy with it do you want me to punch it up for you no

do you know how annoying that is a comedian tell that to me to punch it up for you? No. Do you know how annoying that is? A comedian telling that to another comedian. I know you've done arenas, but let me punch that up for you. I just ended up with Tom Stade, sir. It's coming on next week. I was flapping about doing that, but then when I looked into it,

in my head your vows were like a speech and they're not they're just promises aren't they so it's dead easy they took me like

fucking 10 minutes alright is that you're not doing a speech yeah well I've got I'm still working on my speech right oh you're going to do a speech

as well yeah you're going to do a speech right so what sort of promise is it like I promise I'll do the dishes

when you need me to promise I'll put a wash on I'll clean the windows what the fuck he owns a Lamborghini promise I'll do the dishes when you need me to. I promise I'll put a wash on. I'll clean the windows. What the fuck? He owns a Lamborghini. I promise I'll do the dishes. I'll always put it in strada

when I'm coming home at night. I do do that though. I'm very concerned. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in the fucking... What's the most innocuous promise you've made in the vows? I don't want to say.

Right. Because she'll fucking... She'llows? I don't want to say. Why? Because she'll fucking... She'll see. I don't want... Because she... I thought we were getting a world exclusive there. No.

She's flapping about it because she hasn't done hers yet because she's fucking last minute and I keep winding up about it. Tell her to get in touch with my outwriter for her. Sounds. Yeah.

I promise to always suck it off. I promise to be better than your ex-wife. That's all you'll say. I mean, that should be a given hi Helen how are you doing well I feel bad she loves this podcast she does hi Rob Thomas

maybe we should cut that last minute I was obviously joking I'm a dick I'm in such a George I've had two hours of kip last night

I was in London last night I've had two hours of kip because I had to get a fucking 6am train to get here and I've had six coffees

and it's I've got this caffeine infused divilment in me and I just want to ruin everything just burn it up you know the joker sets fire

to all the money and they're the dark knight and he's just like let everything burn. That's where I feel like I'm at today. Are you working tonight? No. Are you working tonight? Hot water. I might come down if I'm not exhausted. Hang. Jared Christmas is on and I really like

watching Jared. Jared's on. Eliso's on. Ugh. I'm joking I'm being such a cunt Deliso's in the world museum what? like he's got a he's got an exhibition in the world museum

where is the world museum? in the pool right by St. George's Hall okay because he took the piss out of the slave museum okay

he said do it better then so he's got like a fucking he's recorded like a special show which they've cut up and put next to like exhibitions of like African monuments or like African artifacts what? you alright Ro?

didn't you have a bit about the slave museum? ah! ah! Didn't you have a bit about the slave museum? I think we're just wrapping up this section But I think we've got time for one last thought Adam on the slave museum Athletic greens have really improved my life Yeah, yeah, yeah Your gut health Your gut health

Your gut health Take them every morning Just before you go to the slavery museum Yeah You need nutrition Uh huh Help you concentrate Mmhmm

Mm Supplement your white guilt Um I'm gonna play the guitar Oh let's do that in the break Let's have a sing song Privately That was an hour

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Can't fuck that up, can you? Go ahead. Welcome back to the final section. Let's have a picture. Let's have it. Let's see Paul. Oi. He looks good, doesn't he? The camera doesn't go off when Carl's here.

You'll never be Carl. Sorry about that. If you were listening, you don't care. But we just lost 10 minutes of visual of the beautiful Paul Smith. Yeah. But now he's back. It's all right. Guess who's back.

We can fix it. Back again. I just think CGI. CGI? Yeah. but now he's back it's alright guess who's back we can fix it back again CGI CGI yeah you've got the budget for that now you're smashing it

when you've got cameras that switch off randomly you definitely don't have CGI money yeah if you've got that Patreon money you can just pay some Hollywood

450 grand a month get me CGI then thank you all BMW Z4 if they can put Tupac into the fucking hologram or something they can put me in that's it I want Tupac for the rest of the episode I want Tupac into the fucking hologram or something they can put me in

that's it I want Tupac for the rest of the episode I want Tupac sat next to Paul a biggie there you are not leaving this building tonight

are you a lot of editing Steve a lot of editing I want Tupac there for the hot just spitting bars freestyling the whole time write the freestyle as well

go on just a hologram because it'd be off-putting. Got some questions. Got some questions for you, Paul. Lovely. We've got 20 minutes before he just falls asleep

where he sits. He's done. Phenomenal, but he's lacking in sleep. No, no, I'm good. We can do a good... I'm having heart palpitations. I think we can break

our last section record here. Just try a bit of that. It's honestly... You'll end up in the fucking Royal. It's not fizzy. Oh my God. It's not fizzy. You'll end up in the Royal and I'm having a fucking panic attack. It's honestly, it's... You'll end up in the fucking Royal. It's not fizzy. Oh my God. It's not fizzy. You'll end up in the Royal

and having a fucking panic attack. It's liquid cocaine. It's nice, isn't it? I think we just got ourselves a new sponsor. Brett Phillips says, as you get to travel as comedians, have you ever suffered with the case of Paris syndrome? I used to travel a lot for my work

and never have I felt so disappointed that when I went to LA, rampant homelessness, barren landscapes, and overall just bad vibes despite all of its hypes. Is there a city where you were excited for it until you got there?

Cheers from Brett. Yeah, I was really excited for Lincoln. Oh, Lincoln, the city of love. Yeah. Lincoln's not, I mean, I've only been. To be honest with you, Paul, I tried to fish out of shit town and Lincoln's just fine. And it didn't work.

You know what I had to do there? I had to avoid saying Coventry because I say Coventry all the time. Coventry is not, well, Coventry is a big cinder block of shite yeah Aberdeen is the maddest thing

I've ever seen it's like it's in black and white two packs here Aberdeen was one of the is the total opposite I got there

just accepted that gig and got there and fucking loved it I loved Aberdeen I had a good time when I was there but you get there and you go I've had a good time i was there but i re-get there and you

go is i've never seen a grayer place in my life oh and i was like is my head falling off here and it's no it's that's literally what it's just that stone yeah that's what it's known for to be like it's all gray plymouth's the same plymouth's like yeah local stone is really gray and on a nice day you're like you don't notice it on a rainy day you're like oh my god you made your town the same as the sad clouds it's fucking grim yeah

and then there's beautiful places like York that are filled with miserable cunts who don't deserve comedy yeah 2023

I'll be at Pottington Art Centre looking forward to seeing you there I'll be in the Barbican I'll be in Leeds I'll be in the Barbican. I'll be in Leeds. I'll be in Lincoln. Taking his date.

Where have I been that's been a bit meh? I don't know. Barrow's depressing. It's not like you were like... In fairness. Yeah. It's not like you were like, I can't wait to be in Barrow. Wait.

Wait. What? I should have dinged the bell for that one that was good though see Birmingham gets you don't get it because it's called

Barrow in fairness and that in fairness is like also the start of the sentence when you're gonna sort of counteract something someone's just said so I played on that

because he said Barrow so I said in fairness and I didn't say anything else but like the the way I said it would imply that I was using in fairness as like I was about to counteract but what I meant was like that's but like the the way I said it would imply that I was using in fairness as like I was about

to come to that but what I meant was like that's the rest of the name of the town it's really clever actually always good always good when you

have to explain your jokes like that to make sure look what I'm working with it's not my fault oh oh hey

because you know that wasn't very fair some things go in fairness hello hello Because, you know, some things go, in fairness. Hello. Hello. It's very annoyed if you don't hear and love his joke.

It's a pretty intense sort of thing. Right, that's deserved a lot more, and we're stopping everything until it gets something. You cunt. It's always the audience. that's deserved a lot more and we're stopping everything until it gets something. Yeah. You cunt. It's always the audience. Brighton was, I found, the last time I did Brighton,

I found it quite depressing. Why? Because. Brighton's wonderful. Well, last time I went there, I was there for like four days and the Wednesday and Thursday, I'd go down the lanes,

it's beautiful and stuff. It's a nice place in the day. But when I did the show, there was a part of my show this year about getting pegged by my missus wasn't it right and they thought you'd be homophobic well mate I swear it's the only place some some guy stood up went fucking berserk at that bit and stormed out another guy in the front row I could hear him but no one else could hear him and he was just sat in the front row going you fucking faggot you're a dirty bitch

and he was fuming so I said there's a guy in the front row in Brighton in Brighton right so I was like I said there's a guy in the front row fuming here

so I'm gonna go as far as I can go with it because most of the audience was still with it and so we just took it further and further and further and then he went mad and so he was he's in the gay capital of the uk and he's a massive homophobe i've done it i've done it like all over the country and like working class towns

and people love it they love a pegging in warrington yeah they look make the look it was the best bit of the show and yeah and bright i couldn't get my head around what was going on but it was like you know when you can feel a bit going a bit weird it was the worst place I've done it and I was like

what's going on here and then I came off and you know Laurie's best mate Katie lives in Brighton now she's a lesbian and I said that was fucking mad

that I did not expect that and she went oh yeah it's getting bad here now and then I went out like we were it's getting homophobic in the gay capital of the UK I don't know

it's getting bad like there's a gay capital of the UK it's getting bad like there's a lot of like hate crime and stuff like that so after so after years of it being like oh it's the gay capital

like the non-gay well what it is like the people who live in Brighton it's obviously the people who live in Brighton now the people from the

like the the immediate outskirts who come in and watch shows they have a problem with it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I know. Because every time

I've had a bad gig in Brighton, they've been like, yeah, there's a massive stag doing from Croydon or something. But it was aggy as fuck. Even just in the town, I saw about four or five fights, people fucking on the floor,

like passed out and stuff. And I was like, and loads of homeless people. And I was like, this is weird. So weird. That is not what I've experienced. Oh no, don't i'll fucking love going to brighton i loved it don't tell me it's gonna hate cry me i was i was good because i've been going on about it like all like to los going on it's amazing we'll go for a few days and uh as i said we because we went to

get our wedding rings there as well and like the first couple of days were lovely. And then that night I was like, fuck me. Like all the bars had metal detectors on and stuff. Crazy. Heavy. Heavy. Talking about heavy, Jake Van San says, what's the heaviest item you can lift with your bell end? Great question, Jake.

Thank you for asking it. Ford Focus. Just with your bellend. I mean, I would love to see you try. Can you not use the rest of your dick though? You just have to use your bellend. I think we'd give you full dick here.

Oh, so. Yeah, easy then, innit? Just to see him try and straddle. You can't get leverage just with your bellend. When you've got the fucking big fella behind you. I reckon you could lift that guitar. With my dick? Yeah.

What? Like, just off the floor? If you had an erect dick, could you balance that guitar? Underneath that. Not the whole guitar, but I reckon I could get it off the floor. Yeah. One foot on the desk, one foot on the couch. If I just, like, did a little Kegel. I reckon I could get it off. Cool. Yeah. One foot on the desk, one foot on the couch. If I just like,

did a little Kegel. Cool. But not in Brighton. Not in Brighton, no, they'd fucking kick off. Get your dick away from my guitar, you fucking guitar homo.

Should we do some advice? That's such a weird question. Sometimes they fly and they just disappear into other times like yeah there was a weird one about your dick Adam's getting very good

at giving advice Paul don't know if you because it's just honestly because he loves people I've known this for years I always go to Adam for advice

he does actually he actually does and I go to him that's a big part of our relationship is if I'm in peril I call Paul if he's in peril

he calls Paul Blair and then he calls me he knows where his knows where his bread's buttered is that honestly are you like a little fucking

like we can take the piss all you like but I actually am quite good I'm not very good at taking my own advice but I'm quite good at looking at a situation

objectively taking emotion out of it for someone else and going here's what you should do I am actually very good at taking my own advice, but I'm quite good at looking at a situation objectively, taking emotion out of it for someone else and going, here's what you should do. I am actually quite good at that. I cannot wait for you to be a marriage guidance counsellor. I mean, I'm never going to do that. You're going to have to wait a long time. But he did think about it.

He was the first person that I spoke to when I was getting divorced. And he took me out for dinner. Where did he go? To a pub on the links. We were hung over as fuck. Because the night before, he'd rang me.

It was the night Sean Collins offered me a fight. It was, wasn't it? He'd text me and gone, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, nothing. I was like, should we go for a pint?

And I was like, yeah. And I didn't know at the time. He wanted a chat. But I brought Carl. And it's not that he wouldn't chat in front of Carl. It's just that that was not the situation that was then there. No. So we just got twatted.

And then the next day he rang me and he was like, this is actually what I wanted yesterday. Round two. I was like, right, let's go to pub. And we went to pub and then he come to mine and then, yeah. Oh. It always ends up me, you and Carlo. Yeah.

When you split up with your ex. We had me, you and carlo when you split up with your ex that video of me um me and you singing don't go chasing waterfalls in a takeaway in the boat i fucking love that video battling that kid yeah i won't some students and he just wouldn't let it go no because, cause he's just a cunt for no reason. He's acting like he was on Twitter and he was like, he's well funnier than you. And I was like, right, bars. Bars.

He did, he went straight to bars though. Not a fight. Give me a beat. I need a beat. Acapella, buried the fella. That's it. Oh, I hope the camera's free too Oh I hope the camera's free too I hope the camera's free too

Just after you said fella Say it again His lip quivered Say it again His lip quivered Because he went I want to think of something else And then he went

Nope That's me Imagine trying to rap battle If Binti Blair was there Because he'd be like Alright That's actually happened No Imagine trying to rap battle if Binti Blair was there. Because he'd be like, all right. That's actually happened.

No. Because Paul Blair has five pints and just immediately starts rapping. Have we never told you this? Yeah, but doesn't he go super aggressive with it? Paul Blair, if a doorman's like, you can't come in, you should be drunk, he'd be like, right. Okay. Not going to let me in.

I'm knocking it out out put it in the bin and he goes it's literally a point where we got He always It's this point And you go Ah blazer Rap battle We call it Paul Blade He's Paul Blade

And like If you get too drunk Too quick You're Paul Blade Like when we went out With Molly McCann You were Paul Blade Oh yeah

Yeah I wasn't rap battling I was over tipping Uber drivers He's like You have children Children are a beautiful gift I was like

30 quid tip i tried to give a taxi driver me telly once and then they give him a nintendo switch why because because you felt bad no because i'd been i think i got mugged but i can't remember what happened i just didn't have any of my stuff oh yeah you went through a phase of this didn't you i blacked out when i'm pissed this is why i've stopped going out in time and getting absolutely fucking like smashed because yeah i've got to stop people recognize me and we went into berry and rye and we started drinking sazeracs i was there you were there yeah and then we went to fucking po when we went to there was it yeah when pogues and we all like down Guinness and then we went to

what's the another place so after Pogues I've blacked out I woke up my phone was smashed a bit all I was a girl that worked at this

she lost her phone all her money no one knows what happened so you all got quietly mugged because you were so hammered but I was just separately all I remember is

these lads had gone past in like a beamer and I got and he jumped out and got some pictures and I was a bit smashed and then we went in that other gaff had some whiskies and I think I got off but somehow they got

someone had took 200 quid out of a cash machine by tocky which I don't know why I've ended up there and this taxi driver found me walking in the middle of the road saying I'd been mugged by the women's hospital brought me home because he recognized me i didn't have any money i can't remember none of this and i've i've gone i've got no money and he's got he talked because he come

back the next day because he posted a letter through going i've got your nintendo switch you wouldn't let me leave without it because you had no money to pay me you're trying to get me to unscrew your fucking 75 inch samsung telly off the wall to take it but yeah because you felt bad because you didn't have no money to pay yeah no look i mean he could have took a good job he was a good guy like because he could have just took me telly and i woke up going where the fuck's me telly as i woke up going didn't have my phone on and i was like where the fuck's my fucking kazoo? Where's my Nintendo Switch? That's when you've got to stop the blackout drinking, eh?

When you're trying to unscrew tellies. Yeah, that's when I had the weird with myself. Because there's a few times before that. That's the title of the podcast, by the way. Because I get fucking silly pissed. I just hit a wall, man, and go, and I'm an absolute mess, and I end up in fucking pizza. The time before that,

I tried to fight with Callum Oakley, because I was, because I get pissed and want food, and I was trying to order food. So, when he's drunk, it's really, really, really funny. Like, when I'm drunk, I'm sort of anyone's friend.

Like, I'm just, I'm there. As long as you want to carry on drinking we're friends i just i've got no like time to go home button i'm just like we're here until they won't give us any more that's the plan whereas he's like he just hits a moment and it will happen mid-conversation sometimes he'll be like he'll be like, right, so no, the point is, it's just trying to make, you don't even, and it's just, you know how Paul, Peter and two chips.

He's walked off before, and Paul, Carl's come over and gone, where's he going? He seems a bit pissed off. I was like, no, no, no, no. We're in the middle of a conversation about Formula One,

which neither of us watch. But he hasn't even told me, but I guarantee it, he's gone for food. I do. But then, I got in this cabobos and I guarantee he's gone for food I do but then I got in this kebab house and I'm fucking trying to order food

and Callum kept going he wants a fish kebab and I'm trying to go I don't want a fucking fish kebab so I've gone fucking it's in the pizza place next door to hot water

so I've gone fucking mad some fellas started going like calm down so I've there's been three coppers behind me waiting for food and i've gone fuck off started fighting people the doorman the old doorman from hot water coming to help me and i've gone where the fuck were you why aren't you backing me up you fucking

shit i've gone out finally got my food went out and just threw it at the doorman but people were all filming me and i was like god fuck i know i deserve absolutely i'm not saying but then i was like you only see yourself and you go i haven't said that if anyone's got any footage of me from down the years just like that we don't need that we've all made mistakes we've all been there do you know what i mean that dance floor didn't look wet enough and that's why i pissed on it. That bitch is going to do the rounds for a while. If I could go back in time and film one moment from my life

that didn't get recorded, it would be you projectile vomiting. Onto Michelle McClemmons' face. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. Michelle? It was a girl who worked in Envy. We've definitely told this story on here before

I got hammered walked over to ask her out oh yeah yeah yeah and just vomited in her face just for a second I thought you said Michelle McManus and I

I thought it was a different story it was the Popeye at a laughter party yeah yeah yeah I was working the Popeye at a laughter party you're not even that big yeah

well because of all of those stories you're great at giving advice aren't you so we have one from Anonymous he says hey I have a proper dilemma I've just bagged a Tinder date with an 11 out of 10 who is 41

I'm glad that ended out of 10 and I'm I don't even see it with an 11 out of 10 who is 9 an 11 out of 10 who is 41 and I'm

18 MILF vibes well sort of yeah paedophile vibes as well and don't know how to play it we did a video call on WhatsApp

to make sure each other was legit and it was the most awkward thing ever. I've never been with another woman before and don't want it to be too awkward. Would appreciate any advice. Thanks, Liz. Never been with another woman? Yeah.

Is that a woman? Yeah. So it's a girl. So it must be a girl who's 18. She's on a Tinder date. Go and get your minge absolutely polished. This woman is going to give you the experience of your life. If you were straight and this was a man,

I'd be like, absolutely don't go near this guy. There's something wrong. Just go and get absolutely valeted to fuck valeted yeah full valet full valet do you mean valet what

we had this last time you were on no yeah you're still not fucking getting it right I don't care if you can't now

apply it to something else incorrectly I can and I will I will I can't go and get your pussy valeted whatever Paul wants us to say full valet if you can't now apply it to something else incorrectly. I can. And I will. I will. I can. Go and get your pussy valeted.

Whatever Paul wants us to say. Full valeted. Get an air freshener as you finish. Seven pom, please. Do a great job. With an auto-glimpse. This will be the best experience. You'll learn stuff off this woman that you can then take to other 18-year-olds.

You're going to be the fucking queen of pussy town soon, you. That's what lesbians like to be as well, isn't it? That's a good thing to lesbians. They love to be the queen of pussy town. It's actually an award ceremony. It's at every Pride, there's a queen of pussy town award. And obviously we don't know about it because we're not gay women.

You're going to be muffed out of it at the year at the Nickelodeon award. Well, now that's a rival. That's like, that's like, that's like a different award. When if you get both of those belts at the same time, you've unified the division.

She's the undisputed lesbian. Of Nickelodeon. Did I tell you about my lesbian best mate, no? You know who I met? No. Ah mate, I had the belted in an alaman right i did my alaman show and went out after it tickets still on sale very much on sale for my alaman show by the way oh yeah oh mate what day is your alaman show 26th of april

oh yeah uh what day is that on tuesday oh man i wish I could come over we'd have the best time so this girl can you just go and headline my show so that it's thoughtful don't usually do this at the end of the show

I've only done 10 minutes can we just do a double header you can have all the money I just want I just don't want to be performing to 200 people in a thousand seats it's a nice theatre though it is a nice theatre it's nicer performing to 200 people in a thousand seats. It's a nice theatre though.

It is a nice theatre. It's nicer when there's people in it. Yeah. So we did the show and then the guys who organised it, there's only a couple of bars in the other man, so we went to one and come to like, we've got a booth in this. I know the guy who owns it.

Get you a booth in that. But the people who, the guy who'd organised it had been to a week in the day. So I got there and half this booth was just full of people from the guy who'd organized it had been to a week in the day so i got there and half this booth was just full of people from the week and this one woman was absolutely you know when someone gets like weird like she obviously was in mourning but she got to the point of a piss now where she just wanted to have sex with someone so she was all over rudy the cameraman then she was all over so rudy left and then she was all over phil cameraman then she was all over so Rudy left and then she was all over Phil Chapman and so we left and then Binti left right so and but this guy was just chatting

me off and I was quite interested because he was telling me about I was a tax haven and that's what I was listening to and then this woman comes to me so that and then this girl called Jasmine comes over right just sits down just barges it out the way and just goes listen don't worry not after your cock i'm a lesbian but i think you sound and just shook me out like this but one of them cool handshakes i put like half a gram of cocaine and i went you're sound you and then she was like but she just knew everyone in this bar right so everyone's just letting on to her and she went well i'm here no one above you so I was like who the fuck is this girl right so I started chatting to her she was dead funny so it's just so I went and had some and then come back and it was just

it was just weird in there it was a weird vibe and this girl was and she went I'm gonna knock this girl out in a minute so she went it's shit in here she went I know it's a bit weird but I've got like I've got I've got I'm going back to my mate's house do you want to come like and I was like yeah fuck it so I ended up in a house

with five lesbians right in the middle of nowhere in the Isle of Man and I thought turns out Paul's the queen of pussies I'm gonna have to but

Loz was on her hen do that night so I thought I'm gonna have to phone her because I can't go back and go I ended up in a fucking house with five lesbians I'm gonna have to phone her and go like listen this has happened but like don't worry about it so I facetimed Loz and she was in bed going and I went how the fuck am I on a better hen do than you it's fucking cocaine everywhere there's fucking lesbians dancing out i had the fucking i had the bell tonight but then i didn't get back until my flight was like eight o'clock in the morning

mate lesbians are a great hang mate it's so fun if she was fucking hilarious because you know you can't it's it take it's like like mates because it takes away a thing of like well maybe we could they're like no and you're like it's great honestly she's one of the soundest people i talk to her all the time now she's fucking sound what's she called jasmine yeah she's in my phone as lesbian jasmine she put herself in there as that by the way right cool well yeah just go for it you're 18 fucking do it yeah but if you're a 41 year old who likes fucking 18 year old girls ugh is that not a bit like creepy

no did you write this to see what we think about you fucking 18 year old girls did I write a thing about I didn't even realise

I didn't even realise until you said another woman I completely thought this was just an 18 year old lad who was about to but it might be a lad

but he's like only had one girlfriend never been with another woman no I think this is i think this is a girl i i completely misread it go and get absolutely sorted out and and make notes yeah they can't do no i'm kind of the worst thing that can happen is that you come too much that's not the worst thing not the worst thing how many times is too much for a lesbian it depends on your

individual preference that's true isn't it how much you've hydrated that day yeah and you get a stitch have you had your athletic greens

take a big strap on if you need a stitch I've had too much sneak it sounds like a fucking shit party drug fucking sneaked off me it sounds like a drug out of robocop steve looks like a lesbian and he basically went lady called out you would make a good lesbian

cheers mate you're a really handsome woman what makes you say that your face yeah you look like you'd be good at snooker you could hustle poo hey lorry I'm at back of the party

for lesbians and Stee. Another man one. Stee's got them on strings. He's lost two games in a row, but there's no money involved yet. They won't bite. Should we do another sex one? Yeah, yeah.

Lady called Elle. This is from a lady! All right, lids, I need some advice. So a bit of backstory. My fiancée's 35 and I'm almost 23. We've been together two years now and I've very much left the shagging every chance we get stage behind. So back in my single days, I was a bit of a filthy slag,

very into bondage, slapping during sex, spitting. Mama like that. Cheeky bit of DP, all the good stuff. And obviously, with the 12-year age gap, I'm always looking for new and exciting things to do.

My fella, on the other hand, is relatively vanilla. And the most exciting thing we've done is anal. For a few months now, I've been asking him if I can finger his arsehole or lick his bumhole

just to spice things up a bit. He keeps being a little bitch and saying he doesn't want to do it. Do I respect his boundaries and accept that now I'm engaged to him, the wild sexual side of me has to die down, or do I tell him to grow up and let me rim him? Absolutely love the podcast and so proud of how well you're all doing. Keep it up, lids.

That's from Leah. Do not respect his boundaries. Call him a little bitch. Paul, what would you do? I'd love if she call him a little bitch oh what would you do i'd love if she called me a little bitch i'd respond to that i mean how you don't want someone to rim yeah is he does he just doesn't know i know so here's what you need to do love lick his arsehole as a surprise yeah like just go just go to the balls and then just go to the gooch and then just yeah and he honestly like he's to have the time of his life

and he just doesn't realise. Hang on, when you're doing the surprise room in, you're doing it in and around a blowjob, not like when he's washing the pots.

No. You don't pants him and they're like, I'd enjoy that. No, that's silly. That's been silly. Also,

it's a very difficult angle to get. Oh, it's the angle. If he's doing the dishes, it's hard to get where you need to be as a surprise. Steel, get it.

In off the pocket. No, you just, you can either do a mid-blow job or wake him up with it. What about if he sleeps on his back? What about if he's changing the oil in his car? Hey, chance. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, you know. Sure, take your opportunities. Use a dipstick. But do not respect penetration is different don't finger them against us will oh we've said that before we stand for that on this podcast that's one of our mantras we do i definitely can not against as well but once you've rimmed them a little bit just and then just but if he says no it's weird to ask isn't it yeah it's weird to ask

it's weird that if you ask it's weird if you go can I thing you depends where you are if you're in Tesco I've fingered faux pas a few people in my life

and I don't think once have I ever gone can I thing you now I don't think that Paul Smith never asks for consent there's a world exclusive ladies and gentlemen things have changed

things have changed now it's implied by the noises yeah hey yeah Things have changed. Things have changed now. It's implied by the noises. Yeah. Ah! Oh! Hey! Yeah. If she's barking,

come by. Come by. I mean, the main thing is, Leah, I love you. I think that's the main thing. That's what I want to take away from this. My is i love you and i think you're wonderful that's it he just doesn't know he doesn't know how how much good this is going to bring his life he doesn't every man especially i imagine he's from a working class background because i just imagine all of our listeners are

working class men are fearful of arse play because they've got internalised homophobia. Right? And I'm still there with a lot of it. You know what I mean? I don't want any more than a digit up there. No one's fucking me in the arse. Okay?

Fact. But a little tongue on my bum hole is a welcome addition to a Tuesday. Tuesday. Not a Tuesday rim. Oh, not a midweek rim. It's on Tuesdays. Champions League night. Two for Tuesday. Hey. Tuesday. Not a Tuesday rim. Oh, not a midweek rim. It's on Tuesdays. Champions League night.

Two for Tuesday. Yeah. Champions League night. Whenever the footy's on, you can get rimmed. Cool. Yeah. You don't want to be getting rimmed on a Thursday, because that's Europa League, isn't it?

What if there's no Champions League and it's a league fixture night championship? It's not as good, is it? No, but there could feasibly be a Champions League game. Preston Millwall's not getting you the mood for a rimming, championship it's not as good as it no but there could feasibly be a champions league game and that's what I was not getting you the mood for a

rimming is it no absolutely no you're right you're right it needs to be a big what's the barnley barnley score he will like it though I I defy any man to

get his arsehole licked and tell me it was a problem just look after yourself leah you're essentially a national treasure that's what I man to get his arsehole licked and tell me it was a problem just look after yourself leah you're essentially a national treasure that's what i think and that's what paul thinks have you been rimmed stay of course he has he's a lesbian sorry yeah i live man i miss getting rimmed i've been rimmed for a while how long it's been a while now it's been this year oh i tell you what get married then that'll really up the rimming she

she thinks she got e coli from she stands by that as well and at the time it was correct but i don't think it was that and she used to be she used to be quite like into that but now since then she doesn't do it that much anymore

has she rimmed you this year yeah that's alright then it's only fucking the first week of April lad calm down cool

cool good fun good fun oh my god so you've been rimmed this year yeah yeah can we end on this Good fun. Good fun. Oh, my God. So you've been rimsing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we end on this?

I feel like I've laughed. Was it a one-night stand, or was it like a relationship? One-night stand, yeah. That's an adventurous lady. Yeah. She was quite the night. Turns out, if you sat there, you just don't want to share. I'm a producer.

Have you ever been fingered? No. No? Would you be fingered? I don't know. Probably not. I don't know. Next time you're in the bath, just see how you feel.

Bubble bath. Bubble bath, definitely. Oh, yeah. That's salt definitely and even if you don't like it can't judge myself you'll definitely be clean true

you never fingered yourself in the bath you never even fingered yourself how do you clean your arsehole with like you don't have to put my finger in yeah you do how do you do

oh yeah in Japan they've had the douches I just put a bit of to put my finger in. Yeah, you do. Oh, yeah. In Japan, they've got the douches. I just put a bit of dove on my finger and just, yeah. I use the full bar of soap, no. Dirty cat. I just put the bottle up there sometimes to squeeze. To give it a good clean.

Hey, why don't we have, right right i was thinking about this last week as i was in Turkey right why don't we have them little bum washes on our toilets b-days no on the toilet there now this has got a little nozzle and there's a there's like a tap next to it and you press it and it's so it is a b-day essentially but actually just in the toilet i think the same theory as adam i think natural homophobia, like, get that fucking stream out of my bumhole.

It's fucking great though. It's incredible. They have done a standard in Japan as well. Carl's told me about it. Do you know Carl won't have a shit anywhere other than

his own house because he has to get a shower as soon as he shits. Why? Because that's just how he lives his life. Why is he bad at wiping his bumhole?

He just doesn't think wiping does enough. I saw Chris Ramsey talk about this a few years ago on a couples programme where they bitched about each other. It was quite good. Laura enjoyed it. And he was like, when you have poo on your skin, you need to wash it off with water.

Like, if you've got poo on your arm, you wouldn't be like, oh, a bit of tissue. I like them washlets, me. I like the wet wipes that you can flush. They're good. Right. That's what you use to wipe shit off your arm. Off my arm and bum.

Right. I mean, I wish that was a lie, but I mean, I get shit on my arm quite often. I use death or wipes on my ass. Kids and dogs. Kills 99.9% of bacteria, including COVID. Steve, have you ever got shit on your arm? Never mind.

First date. Can we wrap it up it's been an absolute pleasure you had some stuff to plug you got some stuff happening yes I have

I have a new tour going on sale in about three weeks so about two and a half weeks when this goes out mid May so keep your eye on

hotwatercomedy.co.uk for that new big tour gonna be the biggest one yeah there's a hundred dates in so far I'm going for 150 Jesus so big tour gonna be the biggest one yeah there's 100 dating so far i'm going for 150 jesus um so that's going to be big um my and laurie's podcast is back at the start of june

what's the story paul and laurie and we're going to launch a patreon and my my special from the change tour is going to be launched with that patreon so keep your eyes out for that as well and get on our YouTube. I don't know if you put links and stuff in, but you do. Yeah, you'll put links and bios and stuff for me. And that's about it. I'm still on tour.

I don't know the K4 slash shows. There's tickets left for a handful of the dates and the rest of them are sold out. And we're not adding any more because I don't want to. So whatever dates are on sale now are the last dates so don't be like oh well they'll add

another Manchester one the sixth one is the last one and Birmingham is the last one and all that sort of stuff and our arena show

is on Friday the 9th of December there's still a couple of thousand tickets left for that and Dan you're on tour as well I am on tour

Belfast come out support me. Nantwich has got tickets for sale. We just added an extra Manchester date and there is talks of another Liverpool date at Hot Water. So lots to do. DanNightingale.com.

It would be great to see you. Starts in September. Oh, aye. I'm tired now. Just press the button. It's been a beauty. Bye, everyone. Thank you for having me. Been a pleasure, aye. I'm tired now. Just press the button. It's been a beauty. Bye, everyone. Thank you for having me.

Been a pleasure, mate. Bye, Felicia.