Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #169 with Pierre Novellie - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 25, 2022

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Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary

Have a word. Go, Ed. Get on me. I've changed me ways I don't believe you there you go early one I think that is record bullshit bell I've stopped drinking

fizzy drinks no I've heard yeah it's good I had three yesterday it's cutting down i was hungover yesterday then i'm in why are you giving me that look i just sound a bit quiet but it's because my ears are blocked these aren't working no my ears are fucked nose and ears yeah you drank three yesterday i did yeah but i was hungover so they don't count.

You're not hungover? I'm not. Not always hungover. Sometimes I get away with it. Water. Put that down when they're not sponsoring us. Have you ever heard of it, son? Sponsored by water.

This week's podcast is brought to you by water. That's the way the world's going. Privatising the water. A bit political there. Tone it going. Privatising the water. Bit political there. Tone it down. Yeah. Tell you what, I feel exactly the same. And you look similar.

But what's the difference? Is your... Got more energy? No. I feel more replenished. Replenished? Replenished. And you're a rambunctious little sausage.

Yeah. My brain's working fastest. It definitely is working fastest. You said it wrong. Well, I'm on sneak energy drink, and that is blowing my little dick off. Woo! I'm going to have to breathe that name out until like...

Do you drink much water? I'm worried about you. I feel like you don't drink enough water. I never see you have just a little cup of water. Oi, no, but you're two years late on that worry. I've sat here eating and drinking shit for two years ago. Do you know what? Dan, a little bit concerned about you.

No, but it takes... Be the change you want to see in the world. That's what Michael Jackson said, didn't he? Yeah, he shagged kids, though. No, he just spooned them In the arse with his cock Oh yeah Sorry I forgot that bit That's not how you spoon

It's all forked I don't want to go I don't want to go camping with me Spooning leads to forking But I You know I've I've made a change And I'm just here to report

That it's It's going very well For me And I think you should all Like look Drink a nut shite Not good for your health Oh you become one of these

Fucking cosmic scouse gob shites You're going to go to cosby beach and finger your ass no tell him is that what the cosmic scouse gobshites do yeah they go to where beach cosby beach and finger their ass they do yoga on crosby beach and they run into the sea at 6am go i feel fucking great yeah no i'm not quite there yet but what I am doing is drinking more water. Cool. Cool. It's good. Really good. You know?

I'm just trying to balance out. I've been going, Liverpool Football Club, you know, they turn me into a bit of an alcoholic. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's so many,

games come thick and fast at the minute. Yeah. And you can't not have a pint watching the Reds win four. Yeah. Watford are turning me into a devout Muslim. That's how that's going. Same. Not Watford. Can you recycle your bottles turning me into a devout Muslim. Same. Not Watford. Do you recycle your bottles, Adam?

Mushallah. I recycle the plastic bottles? Yeah. I just put them in whatever bin's nearest to me. Yeah, I mean, that's nearly recycling, isn't it? Yeah. Are you helping the water crisis here? I don't actually think it's the water crisis. Yeah. I actually don't think there's... Look at that, how detached he is. Is there a water crisis? Yeah. I actually don't think there's a...

Look at that, how detached he is. Is there a water crisis? Yes. What's the water crisis? There's no countries that haven't got any water. Send them over.

Send them over. I always wondered that. Throw them in the sea, it might drift to Rwanda. I actually don't think that recycling's real. Yeah, but that suits you being a lazy cunt,'t it it's not a lazy

cunt i'm just not falling for it right yeah isn't there already enough recycling like to be done then can be done in our lifetime so we're just adding to a pile yeah yeah to a different bin cool no but i uh that was just adding to the pile you can't get through you are talking stone cold facts my brother okay we are beyond the capacity of recycling the unity between you and you both want to be lazy shits no no no no no that we are beyond the capacity that we have the capability to recycle for so at the minute you recycling what they're just trying to do they're trying to get us all in the in the rhythm of recycling for future generations in the future of recycling. For future generations. In the future, when we can recycle it all,

but we can't at the minute. So me, throwing it in that bin, compared to you doing fucking six laps of the building, looking for the recycling bin to use. That is the biggest projection ever. Six laps. The only reason I... Why is he going again?

The only reason I... On this third time round... Hey, fool me once, fool me twice, but on the third time round, the council might have popped in a fucking recycling bin. Fourth time round, I should know better. The only reason I recycle at home is because otherwise our grey bin for everything is full

and then I don't know what to do with it. They've got you by the bollocks. It's just a way of... Get two grey bins. What? Get two grey bins. You don't know what to do with it they've got you by the bollocks it's just get two grey bins what? get two grey bins you don't just get to go £45 yeah no

no you can absolutely on the black market get in the bin I've got two well I did have in my old house he stole it from the black market no

what you do is you just you just give you give a bin man a bung how many golden tickets If I hear Beep Beep

Beep At one of our live shows And the guys all jump off the back Stinking of fucking bananas And baby shite I'm not actually messing By the way It's a good album though

Heart to monkeys Early stuff You've shat Near the bananas you cheeky little bastard bananas and baby you rambunctious

little sausage obviously the fellas who work for the council on the bins they've got access to extra bins no shit

thanks for that thanks for letting us in that fucking mafia led world I'll tell you what Dan you might not know this you don't know the industry

but the bin men very closely connected to the bin suppliers That fucking mafia-led world. I'll tell you what, Dan. You might not know this. You don't know the industry, but the bin men very closely connected to the bin suppliers. You wouldn't make that connection. No. So AS Outworks in Liverpool, I imagine it's exactly the same in Chester. Oh, I see. If you lose your bin or your bin is stolen,

which does happen. Not in Chester. Go on. Right? Then obviously they can't just leave you binless. So you're supposed to report it to your bin man on bin collection day and be like Jeff

someone's nicking me bin and he has to do a sort of check to make sure he checks in you know so he comes in looks in the cupboards under the bed to make sure

oh we're gonna have to do the bin check garage oh fucking hell the Romanians it's apparently like a rigorous exam or

if you give Jeff 50 quid he'll just put down yeah bin's clearly been stolen give him a new bin but if you give jeff 50 quid he'll just put down yeah bins clearly being stolen give him a new bin but then you've got two bins fucking rowey soprano just little fucking ow don't worry about it i need a fucking parking space this is for you tuts keep it quiet i know where your fucking family live and i know where you park right next to me in my free fucking parking space um so you've got an extra bin have you i don't need them now i've got a bin shoot now you're in the penthouse

you just throw it out of the window i'm tired of this baguette i've actually got a bin shoot it's fun using that's perishable don't worry about it yeah thanks for pulling me up like a little fucking dispatch thing you know I've only ever seen them On sitcoms On Friends innit Yeah you'd open it up You'd go what Fuck off

It's the dream for you Like I can hear me Bin bag Doing fucking Essentially a skydive Yeah Would you go down there There's someone trying to sleep

On the second floor And all they can hear is I fucking should have paid more If terrorists infiltrated The buildings I'd like you to escape What down the bin slide? Yeah.

I don't know how much of an angle it's at. I don't know whether that would be safe. Is it straight down? I don't know. Valid point, Adam, innit? I don't know. That could be very, very dangerous. I'd take my chances with the terrorists.

I'd probably just take the stairs. They come in like fucking machine guns. I get my knob out. Fair fight. My cousin got me a BB gun for Christmas. I've sort of let me... I've left my axe and my baseball bat in my old house. He got me a BB gun that was blue.

I've spray painted it black so it looks real. I don't know whether you know this. It's illegal to have a toy gun in the UK that is black. It's got to have a red tip. Yeah, it's got to be obviously... I've spray painted mine so it looks like a gun. If anyone breaks in... You realise you just admitted to a pretty serious...

Comedy podcast. Crime. That's a joke. Oh, yeah. The amount of podcasts that have been taken down for, like, spraying toy guns. You're right. Thanks for pulling it up.

It's something to be careful. You... That's what you're taking on, right? Terrorists get in the building to take down Residential penthouses I think I've just got to You know

They come in with actual guns And you're like Yeah but you think this is a gun He wouldn't tell them Spray painted this You see a red bit on the end Well fuck you It's just an handgun

So it's just What is it? Bang bang bang He shoots him in the head. So what? We're a terrorist attack. Terrorists break in and it's like fucking Nakatomi Plaza.

Why have you got a terrorist from? Now we have to roll with terrorists. That's fine. Why are terrorists breaking in? Because they're causing terror. Anyone's a terrorist if they cause terror. No, that's not true. It is.

That's why they're called terrorists. No, it isn't. Isn't it? If a burglar breaks in, if a burglar breaks in, if a burglar breaks in, then I would go for him with my BB gun. I'd be like, fucking lad, just get back out the door

and go and bother flat 219. Oh, you're so good, aren't you? Not get out of the building and don't burglar anyone. Hey, 219, they've got lovely stuff and a little peek in. Yeah, I'd just be like,

just leave me alone. You know what I mean? Because I alone and i mean that sounded more desperate you've got to change your tone just leave me alone because i do have a gun oh just come on walk on because i will shoot you you're getting out of bed wow you're getting out of bed in my head i'm in me undies in the living room so i've you know i can see me fronties in the living room. So I can just get out. You know, I can see me front door from the living room. And just to backtrack, people who cause terror aren't terrorists. That's not how that works. So if you...

Terrorists. If you get in the car with your nanny and you're like, fucking hell, she can't drive. She's like, I missed that turning.

She's not a terrorist. She's just a daft old biddy who shouldn't be driving. Why are they called terrorists? Because they cause terror yeah terrorism involves the threat of violence or seeks to create fear and seeks to create fear

not just within the direct victims but among a wide audience yeah so everyone in your building is like oh I'm going to get robbed yeah actual victims so if a big lass tries to sit on your lap and you're like oh this is going to hurt and you get scared for a second you know

big Beryl she's not a fucking terrorist she's like I'm next they're gonna hit me next well then they're still a direct victim no she tells people

then they'll get the bus no more oh it's on the bus yeah that would be terrorism well done you've worn us down sorry Dan

didn't know what you said fat girls in Al-Qaeda this is a new lane for us they don't let women do anything over there ah but Well done. You've worn us down. Sorry, Dan, I didn't know what you said. Fat girls in Al-Qaeda. This is a new lane for us. They don't let women do anything over there. Ah, but that's what they expect us to think.

You've underestimated them. Yeah, yeah. What? You've underestimated them. Correctly estimated them. Al-Qaeda. They're misogynistic cunts. I'm trying to,

you're off the fizzy pops and I'm trying to eat less shite because I feel fucking, and it nearly went off the rails yesterday i'm only off the fizzy pop because i want to be able to drink as much alcohol as i do well i want to live beyond 44 and shame warns freak me out and um i got into town at 11 i was going to go for cheeky nando's drop the car off at this body shop got a taxi back into town chester was looking fucking beautiful it's an 11 a.m midweek no knob heads. Oh, it was fucking great.

I had my first pint at 11 because the Nando's wasn't open. And that 11 to midday got so dangerous because I've been trying to eat well, less carbs. I'd not had breakfast. So I'd fucked it. Like you can't do that. And then I have 11am pints. I had a pint of Moretti in the sun at 11 a.m. Essentially my first fucking drink or food of the day. It hit so fucking nicely. And I was half cut by quarter to midday on my second pint. And I just had that moment where you're like, I could let this go dead naughty. Just, it was a real crossroads.

There's absolutely no way that I wouldn't have been absolutely fucked by four o'clock in that situation. There's no way I'm getting to midday in that zone with the sun out in a beer garden. Like, I have to just not have the first pint. If I have that first pint, I'm having a ninth. Pringles, Pringles, munch your pot.

There's three things help me. One, Laura, if I'd have got absolutely munted and like falling in at six o'clock while she's trying to put the baby down, she'd murder me. And like, not actually, but she'd be so fucking... Wait till seven when the baby's already asleep. Because I've just gone, oh, we need to do a lock-in.

More pints. We have just had a lock-in, absolutely. It's fine, it's work. You can't then two days before be like, I've got shit face for the laugh. Then Nando's opened. That was a bit of a saver. Cause I was like,

that's tactical Nando's. There was a knob head behind me who was dressed as a builder, but was just on the fucking smash. He was a scouse, scouse lad. The kind of scouser that I sat there and I started channeling Carl. I was like, I hope

for the sake of my friends he's a brown bin because he was giving off pure big dick purple bin vibes so he wasn't then he was Johnny

like bit of a character me bit of a fucking character the chat was dreadful a French guy came I had to put my headphones in

he went oh where you from sit down sit down where you from he was like oh we're from France he was like

bon fucking jour je m'appelle whatever his name was he went that's all the fucking French I know I was done I was like

are you ruining it he actually stopped me wanting to drink and I sat there I went smaller because I went if he goes, Dan, I fucking love the podcast with you, lad.

I would have been absolutely mortified. And I found him on Patreon and deleted him. It was genuine. It was such a bell end. On his own? He was with his builder mates. I never heard their voices. They were just like supporting cast.

And by midday, I was like, can just like supporting cast and I by midday I was like can't listen to him I'm already steaming and I had a a fucking quality Nando's that means horny

to Scousers steaming yeah if you're steaming you're horny that's being slowly eroded though I don't know

whether you've noticed I have never used it myself people use steaming now as drunk yeah yeah steaming drunk yeah even in Liverpool it used to be it used to be horny horny yeah fucking steaming now as drunk yeah yeah steaming yeah even in liverpool it's so it

used to be it used to be horny steaming me get me some on a plate is that this is that the full phrase yeah yeah yeah couldn't move in liverpool fair enough get the crockery oh god what else what else is like i said jargon i said this on the pod a few months ago but i said jargon conversation it's it's it's never going to go anywhere but it's not currently in circulation i don't think oh is it out yeah yeah that's like the name like is that brown binning is that wool it's not wool it's like it's like the name albert like it was dead for a long time, but it'll probably come back. Yeah. And it has come back Albert. Jog hasn't yet.

So Jog's out of, yeah. If you heard someone saying Jog, you'd be like, do you know what Jog is? Jog is what, like the writer of a drama set in Liverpool. Yeah, yeah.

Would put in. What have you got Jog trainers on? Yeah. It would be in a BBC drama. I was like, I went to liverpool in the 90s and i had everyone saying this and he'd put it in now and he'd be like they all say that i've never heard it but they say it up there so we're gonna put this in and then have you seen doc

brown's bit about uh youth slang like in south london yeah and he and he does it it's really good and he's got it within a song. And he's like, as I'm telling you this, there will be kids in South London who are like, you old knobhead, you don't know what's going on because everything updates so quickly

to make sure that no 38 year old comedians who've got a comedy show on the BBC, who've got a comedy show on the BBC, know what, like they update so that you don't know they keep it do you know what I mean niche or specific

that's the point of it it's the exclusive isn't it yeah I'm going to test you on some are you going to test me on Scouse-isms yeah see if you can get them

so there's some obvious ones there'll be a couple yeah because I guarantee this article was written by someone from Newton and Willows there'll be some yeah

that we won't even know. So number one, sound. It's good. All good. Really good. That's not just Scouse, though, to be fair, is it? Like, sound is now quite universal. Yeah.

Arl Arse. Your girlfriend. No, no, no, no, no. Not Arl Arse. Oh, sorry. Arl Arse. A-R-L. Gap.

Arse. Arl Arse. If I went to you, you're Arl Arse, you. You're Arl Arse Oh sorry Arl arse A-R-L Gap Arse Arl arse If I went to you Your arl arse you Your arl arse Arl arse Your arl arse If I went

Lad that's fucking arl arse that I go I go what It means cruel Like nasty Arl arse You're being sly Arl arse

Could you give me So like Is it etymology What's the history of that word please Here's an example It's not etymology So let's say history of that word? Here's an example. It's not etymology. Let's say we were all in here, right?

And Steve was like, right, I'm going to nip the shop. And I just need to get some petrol in my car and come back. And while he's out, you went, right, I'm going to order food. And we went, wait for Steve. And you're like, oh, no, fuck Steve. Like, no, that's our last that one. Wait for Steve to get that. Well, I'll tell you this.

It's so Scouse or not real Scouse that I've never heard any of you use it. We've... We use it all the time. We've said it so nonchalantly then. It's our last time. Genuinely, I'm not messing with you. How can I say that? Five times a week. Yeah.

I'm not having that. I've never heard you say it. Maybe I've not heard it. It's been our last. Our last. Maybe I thought not heard it No lass No lass Maybe I thought you were Talking about your fucking Get some food for sleep

That's our lass Next one Owl fella Owl fella Your dick Owl fella Owl fella Your dad

Yeah your dad Yeah He's me owl fella Me owl fella I know that one Makes me owl fella 2-1 I'm 2-2

Number 4 I'm 2-1 Wool Wool Me 3-1 Number 5 Go ahead

Go on then Yeah Or Let's end the conversation Number four, Wool. I'm two and one. Wool. Wool. Me. Three and one. Number five, Goed. Go on then. Yeah. Or, let's end the conversation. Yeah. That won't even be written down there, because that's like become... Yeah, you're right. It isn't.

But Goed is normally followed by Get On Me if it's to end the conversation. Goed. Or Nice One. Goed. Nice One. Goed. Nice One.

The Asda. What? The Asda. The Asda. It's Asda. Yeah. Yeah, but we say The Asda. What? The Asda. The Asda. It's Asda. Yeah. Yeah, but we say the Asda. Oh, I know, I know.

Like there's only one of them. But I mean, that's not one of them. Yeah, the Asda means, you know, you've just been fingered by a monkey. Which is what the fairs for were. Number seven. If you don't get this, we'll turn the cameras off. Lid. Is that in the thing?

Yeah. Fucking unbelievable. is that in the thing yeah fucking unbelievable if you email me asking what a lid is shut the fuck up

turn the podcast off we're done with you it's just a contraction of lad isn't it come on how simple is that it's not even a contraction but I mean like

yeah same as lices boss lidden la vida love it that's why I find it so funny that's when we first became

mates you've got it on there oh yeah it was Rob Thomas who gave me it as well and I was like that's why I find it so funny that's when we first became mates you bought it on that you bought it on that oh yeah yeah yeah it was Rob Thomas who gave me it as well and I was like that's fucking great

do a solo show called Lid in La Vida I was like I don't understand it I love it next one Boss dead god

260 Offie the Offie the off licence I'm fucking trounced on this so number 10 is I think you have to be a female of 40 plus

to use this and twacky the menopause no me mum used to use this all the time it's a woman's one me mum would use this

all the time and me nan me mum and me nan are the only people I've ever really read it's a big black dick yeah I need an Antwacky I'm dying for nan. Me mum and me nan are the only people I've ever really read. It's a big black dick. Yeah.

I need an Antwaki. I'm dying for an Antwaki. Is your mum in your nan? Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure. I'm alright. It is a big black dick. I just want seven Antwakis in me ass.

Oh, tell you what mum, I'm aching for them all this Antwaki. Do you actually know what it means? No. It means like,

it means like old. So like, if you wore like, it'd be like a curtain. It'd be like dead old style, like flowered patterns on the stuff. Yeah, doily. A bit Antwacky. Yeah, doily's an Antwacky.

Yeah, it's proper Antwacky that way. That curtain's an Antwacky. Couch is Antwacky because it's got like patterns on it and it's not just leather. Yeah. If you said that, I'd go,

what? It's a female one. I'm going to start using it after this though now that it's been born back into my life. A bit Antwaki there. Like Carl,

in a good way, Carl's top is a bit Antwaki. Could you do us a favour and not just generally refer to me as Antwaki? Cheers. I don't need a new nickname. Uncle Twaki then.

Twaki top Top Number 11 Bifter Twacky Top You got the Twacky Top on That's a nice retro Twacky Top Bifter Cigarette

Now it's not A marijuana cigarette It actually says here Joint but that's a lie It's a Bifter's a ciggy Yeah Do the I'll tell you

Bifter's a joint Yeah Oh fuck that Alright Bifter's a cigaretteifters a ciggy yeah do they outside yeah bifters a joint yeah oh fuck that alright bifters a cigarette number 12 trabs trabs cold

it's cold no that's they're an item trabs are an item trabs but again it's on its way out if not already out

Chinese well you're not saying that five times a week are you you've never said trabs it's on its way out

we do say it's webs you say webs I say webs more often but I do say trabs these are my trabs this is one of my trabs this is a trap

you think you say these things no I don't I do say webs more often this is on its way out number 13 Dan just for everyone watching

he gave you a visual on a shoe If you were like what is a shoe though Number 13 scram That's a tap in Number 14 a bar About A B A R It was about

A bar boy Webs We know that one Oh this is a Like if you just A bar boy. Webs. We know that one. Blurt. Oh, this is a, like, if you just- It's not cum, by the way. Oh, yeah, I was just about to say that. You swallow your own blurt. Well, it is cum as well, but it's not in this context.

No. What? Blurt. Blurt's cum? Yeah. Just a bad gimp. Yeah. Yeah, but that-

You're a fucking blurt. but it is derived from blurt you're calling someone a jizz I blurted everywhere you're a fucking blurt you are a wank listen to me if you're a scouts lad and in your life you ever went oh babe I just want to blurt in your mouth

then you're a fucking hero and you deserve to be alone oh I'm gonna blurt all over your fucking hand twackies in your mouth, then you're a fucking hero and you deserve to be alone. I'm going to blurt all over your fucking antwackies. Yeah, I'll tit. Number 20. I've skipped some, by the way, some obvious ones.

Cob on. If you're in a mood. Yeah. Got a cob on. Nice. That's another arctic monkey. You've got a fucking cob on, you moody twat in Warrington they call that a bread roll on it's good

I like it I thought I made a tweet about that house coat oh shit number 21 just spun it jibbed

again in 7-12 fucked it off yeah we'd say bailed or spewed or legged spewed yeah I've spewed a lot you spewed it

i was gonna blurt in a mouth but i spewed it lovely lovely imagine saying that um kex we've taught you this one trousers yeah not in my head kex or underpants but they're trousers tony carroll's uncle's keks I would I would keks them because I blurted in the Sagan Sagan if you're Sagan

what are you doing I'll have me and Adam a fucking Sagan last week tired no no no no Sagan is playing truant

skipping school oh right skipping school I thought I was sagging on Monday. Yeah? So Finn's sagging right now because he's in the dam. He's in the dam.

Keeping Dixie. On them bifters. Keeping Dixie. What are you doing if you're keeping Dixie? Dixie with an X. Like Dixie Dean. I think it's named after him as well. Keeping Dixie.

You're on time? No. You're on the lookout? Yeah. Keeping Dixie yeah you're on time no you're on the lookout yeah keeping so if i'm smoking a bifter in school because i'm sagging keep and he's watching for the teachers you're keeping dixie keeping look out where's that what come from keeping dixie i genuinely thought i think it's from dixie dean i remember reading keeping dixie dean got to be keen what i don't know what what what's the no I wasn't trying For a joke I'm genuinely trying

To work out I'm trying to work out You can't just be like Yeah keeping Dixie That's look out Why? Well we don't know Oh right

So Scouse you don't know Yeah yeah So it comes from Dixie Dean Has never seen I knew it was something To do with the rhyme Of Dixie Dean

Next one Fuck off Gagging in What? Gagging in one fuck off gagging in what gagging in if you're gagging in if me and Carla do this

and you're gagging in what are you doing stop gagging in stop gagging stop gagging in looking trying to get involved trying to get involved

so like imagine we're on a night out and you ain't invited and then you turn up like lad why is Dan gagging in here or if yeah

yeah alright okay cool yeah alright get it yeah or like if me and Kyle were playing like a game of

snap and you were like let me play like stop gagging in it's a two person game you got a real insight into what the breaks are like

have a word we're always playing snap and Dan just won't leave us alone to play and I'm like you know You got a real insight into what the breaks are like at Have A Word. We're always playing Snap. Dan just won't leave us alone to play. And I'm like, you know, you're being right. Schnauz.

What? What's the word? Arlas. Arlas. Schnauz. Next one. Bins. Bins? Bins.

Glasses. Yes. This one is I think it's quite obvious But we Baltic Cold We'd say Frabs would be

Or Cold Oh mate Frabs is one That I really like I think Frabs Some of the Scouts stuff That you say

I'm like I think You know Dead Scouts West But Frabs is nice I like West You know what hot is

If it's too hot Go on Jazzy Come off it is nice i like you know what hot is if it's too hot go on jazzy come off it no you're making something it isn't on here no you're making something that you thought what what no it isn't today i know but if it's boiling hearts that's jazzy today i know it's see i'm laughing now because you're laughing it's not said as often as frabs no they keep look hey you can't see

it's not said as often as frabs these two are looking at each other and whenever they make eye contact this much something naughty is afoot

right don't be schnalling don't be my oldie was yeah go on mine wasn't west

gone weird yeah that's a bit west that lad yeah heavy salad Go on. Mine wasn't. West. Gone weird. Yeah, that's a fucking bit West that lad. Yeah. Heavy salad. That's heavy salad. Yeah.

Serious, upsetting. Could either mean really good or really bad. So if you go, me nan's just had a heavy salad lad

and you're like, hey, I've just booked tickets for the Champions League final. Heavy salad. Just an exclamation. Literally, everything then, isn't it? No, because if you were like, I, I've just booked tickets for the Champions League final. Heavy salad. Just an exclamation. Literally everything then, innit? No, because if you were like, I had a sandwich for me tea.

Yeah, but me dead nana made it. Fuck I know. Heavy salad. But it was made of meat. Fucking heavy salad. That was a great steak. Didn't expect it. Right, okay.

Butte. Can you imagine if someone went, my nan's just died and someone went fuck that lad heavy salad that and you know what do you know what i needed that john edds would say that it's just contracted to just heavy now yeah i mean instead i would genuinely go yeah i get heavy yeah yeah yeah heavy um beaut good no no what it's knobbed it's a fucking beauty oh akin to the blurt yeah akin to the blurt it sounded like a fucking geography teacher john ed do you know what a john ed is a toilet ed a john ed i really regret saying that scallywag longer yeah it's a fucking bad john ed so you're like the opposite of a Johnhead

Because I'm bald Johnheads used to be bald though Yeah Yeah Scally's used to have shaven heads Now they've all got long stupid Fucking cunty Johnheads Is that what Ketwig is?

Yeah Ketwig is the wig of someone who does cat Thanks for that Last one Where did you get that? R.A R.A R.A yeah cat wig is the wig of someone who does cat erm thanks for that last one where did you get that R.A R.A R.A

bloody hell yeah it's like bloody hell yeah R.A R.A heavy salad it's our lass

that's our lass but she was Antwacky she was dead Antwacky we're gonna cremate her it's gonna get fucking well jazzy in the fucking yeah well jazzy in the fucking... Well jazzy.

Can't be flabbed. Jazzy in this fucking... No blurting Yeah There's loads more Mate that was very good Very good Well done Is there any in Preston?

Oh I don't know In Prestisms That's Lancashire isn't it? There must be some Lancashire slang Yeah but the Oh no The problem Means oh no The problem is That's Lancashire, isn't it? There must be some Lancashire slang. Yeah, but the... Oh, no! Means, oh, no.

The problem is... Yeah, they had 28 things that need from Lancashire. The problem is, Lancashire is such a... It's so big and there's so many different towns. I'm going to test him on these ones, okay? But I won't know them. Go on. Ey up, cocker. Hello, mate.

Yeah. Yeah. Another one, which is, cocker. Hello, mate. Yeah. Yeah. Another one, which is the same. Ar-ee-cha. Ar-ee-cha. Hello, mate. Oh, that's very Preston.

Cha. Yeah. Ar-ee-cha. Pay rounds for Preston. Eccles cake. It's a little cake, isn't it, from Eccles? You're not too Lancastrian

if you've never had an Eccles cake. You can get them in sales, but they're originally from the town of Echols. A barm. A barm. A cob. Oh, God.

Yep. Freddie. I didn't know this was a Lancastrian thing. It's cracking flags. The sun is beaming. It's jazzy. Yeah. As we would say.

It makes more sense than jazzy, though, doesn't it? It's cracking flags. It's so hot, the concrete's splitting. Yeah, it does make sense. I don't know why I'm defending these bullshit things I've never heard of. Go on.

Do you want out? Do you want anything? Yeah. These are simple. Chuffed? Happy. Ta-ra. In a bit.

Sweating cobs? It's jazzy. It's like Blackpool Illuminations in here. This is just Peter Kay's set. Garlic bread? Note. set. Garlic bread. Note. Nothing. Bob-omb.

Really good. All correct, yeah. Stop your mithering. Leave me alone. Bouncing off the ground. A buzz-pogo stick. If I said to you bouncing off the ground, what would I say? What's happening?

You're happy. No. Bouncing off the ground? Go on. It's raining hard. Oh, right, yeah. Bouncing. Bouncing off ground.

It'll be reet. It'll... What the fuck was that, Lancashire? It'll be sound. It'll be reet. Hello, my name is... Oh, mengwe, I've moved to Teesside. It'll be reet. Make us a brew. What does make us a brew mean? Hello, my name is Umengwe. I've moved to Teesside.

Meckles a bro. What does Meckles a bro mean? No, it's M-E-K. Meckles. These aren't slang terms. They're just misspelled sentences. Giddle. What?

Giddle. What's a giddle? What's a giddle? Yeah. Do you know this, Dan? I know this. I don't know why I know this. There's a giddle across from us.

Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. There's a giddle next to my house. Is there? Yeah. Do you know this, Dan? I know this. I don't know why I know this. There's a guinele across from us. Yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. There's a guinele next to my house. Is there? Yeah. Right next door? Yeah.

We used to play in the guineles. I don't know if you did when we played out. Yours was called the Cindy Path, and it was like Romeo and Juliet. A finger. Alleyway? Yeah, it's like an alley, yeah. Oh, wow. Okay.

A guinele. Yeah, that's like an alley, yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. A ginnel. Yeah, that's the first one that you've gone, that sounds so normal in my head. Oh, really? A ginnel. We say alley. Other people say snicket as well. We say entry or alley.

We're playing in the alleys. Honestly, if you said, when I grew up, we're going to play in the entry, you'd be like, everyone would be like, what are you on about? That doesn't make any sense in my head. So if you were in the entry. You'd be like, everyone be like, what are you on about? That doesn't make any sense in Red.

So if you were in the ginnel and I shouted, where are you? You'd say, I'm in the ginnel. We'd say I'm in the entry. Right. Snick,

so what, Snicket's the same thing, isn't it? Lemony Snicket, yeah, to go film. That's for you, Karl.

There's only a couple more. Hang on, what do you what do you call spug chuddy chewy chewy

because I feel like that did you say spug chuddy I don't know spuggy and chuddy no we'd say chewy we'd say chewy or a gumbo a gumbo

I'm having gumbo by the entry yeah makes loads of sense by the way if you're thinking oh Dan and Adam must have grown up

millions of miles away from each other. Genuinely. I can't even remember what I want. Gumbo. No, is he making it up? Fuck off.

Which else has been a lie? What else has been a lie? Is Jazzy a lie? No. Is Jazzy a lie? No. I swear to God. Right, if you're from somewhere

around the world and you're like, these cunts are so different. Right? I'm not joking. If you're from somewhere around the world and you're like, these cunts are so different. Right? I'm not joking. Draw a line from Dovecart to Penwitham. It's less than 25 miles. We do not come from that far away.

Here's a pack of gumbo. Fuck off, gumbo. Is that bullshit? Gumbo's bullshit. I couldn't live without that one. The rest are real. But Jazzy's real er

Lass bed is the lady in it I do party yeah butty yeah

chippy tea blew me neck this is what I sound like all the time innit yeah I tell you what it's bouncing off the ground blew me neck our lass loves an Eccles cake

er harping on talking too much yeah spitting feathers yeah you need a drink I'm off to catch the buzz oh for fuck's sake

whoever this the problem is as well Lancashire's got less of a strong identity but some of these are just like sayings

misspelled so that you say it in the accent I'm off to get the buzz here's one bye gum fucking hell this online article Just like sayings misspell so that you say it in the accent. I'm off to get the buzz. Here's one. Bygum. Fucking hell.

This online article was written in 1885. What's the scram? Whoever's wrote it, I'm going to find the author. Hang on, he's getting called out. Or she. It's a she. Olivia Barron. What other shit?

Yeah, fuck you, Olivia Barron. There we go. See, this podcast not only is pound for pound funny. Loaded blurt. But, you know, educational sometimes as well. Yeah, giggle, jazzy. Yeah, the problem is Liverpool is half a million to a million people all within that city. Lancashire is loads of small towns who hate the fucking sight of each other.

You just have to go five miles in any direction. Like, them cunts round there that sound like fucking bellends and you go to that town like they're fucking red bellends do you hate Blackburn no because Blackburn

yeah the rivalries the rivalries Preston Blackpool I was at Blackpool apparently and the big rivalry Blackburn is Burnley

they hate Burnley Burnley can fuck off so that's the one that gets all fucking moody like they sound like right fucking bellends Blackburn is Burnley. They hate Burnley. Burnley can fuck off. So that's the one that gets all fucking moody. Like, they sound like right fucking bellends. No, you sound like bellends. Absolute pack of knobheads. Pardon?

Just, yeah, just one syllable on that one. Okay. Let's have a break. Carl, desperate to get us cancelled. It been a pleasure see you shortly ladies and gentlemen it is time to let you know about our lead sponsor manscaped.com the best in below the belt men's grooming join the over four million men worldwide using men's below the belt grooming from manscaped and val And Valentine's Day is coming up. I've got a little proposition here. I reckon we need a new national holiday.

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which was really nice. Anti-chafe, like, what are these? Like boxes by Manscaped. The boxes are amazing. I actually personally love the ball deodorant and the toner as well. And they've smelled better ever since you started using it. My balls smell fucking lovely, mate. Well, no, the guests comment.

Look, treat your missus to getting you one of these shavers. Your dick will look better. Your dick will look bigger. And honestly, she's going to want to touch it more because no one wants to touch a messy little pubic region. You've got like leftover cum in it. Oh, God. God, no.

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Make your woman think you're great come in your pubes no problem sometimes have a wash first there's only so much shampoo can do yeah get the lawnmower 4.0 hack away it is actually the best thing I own. It is. 100%. Hey, we are back. I need some help. If anyone works for a company, a car company, that knows how to update your service log on a modern BMW, could you give me a shout? At Dan has a podcast.

Because I've been to the garage to get two full services, and they've basically gone, yeah, we don't know how to update these computers. We could write it in a book for you like we used to. And I now have a car that is massively devalued, that is fully serviced, that doesn't look like it's serviced. The car's going,

dude, you need a service like 2,000 miles ago. I was like, I got it two months ago. So if you know, if you work for a specialist that can sort me out, could you hit me up? I need some help with my BMW 3 series that's it that's all

happy if anyone's got any polish that is specifically for diamond shoes that's what I'm looking for as well fuck off have you you got diamond shoes

got me diamond shoes see you tight dog yeah and what do you need polish what do you call them what do you call them diamond shoes no but what do you call them

what do the scouts call them? What do you call them? Diamond shoes. No, but what do you call them? Shoes. What do scouts call them? Trabos. Diamond traps. Diamond gumbos. Get very jazzy in the sun. Got some questions. Hi Liz, just wondering whether you have ever considered

having relatives and friends of yours on the pod to give more of an insight into your lives example laura for dan jack for adam not my baby son jack for adam his brother or serica spelt like you think it's spelt for carl have you thought about that what i have thought about yeah yeah we thought about getting your dad on you know? I think I'd get our Jack on as long as you two got those two people on. That is such a very... That's me putting a couple of chips in for a big pot there. Our Jack being on this, I think,

could actually be passably funny. Can we get Dolly on? No, not Dolly. Dolly knows too much. That's all right. We have to get our girlfriends on. I tell you what, if Sarah Kurt was in on a lock-in,

you would see Carl the most uncomfortable that he's ever been on this podcast because with two beverages in her, she wants to tell every story in the world about Carl and it's so fun. Yeah. Yeah. So, no.

The amount of anxiety it would cause Laura is off the fucking charts. But I think she'd be all alright if she just chilled out. But there's not like, what? I think both of them should do a segment at the arena. But what? First gig, we're going to go with an arena. Oh my god.

There's no story that I haven't told about how pathetic and gross I've been in the past. Like, what am I holding back? What the fuck are you doing? Oh, fucking ride it. Shoes wrapped around the chair. Your web. Oh my God. Adam's doing booking Bronco on an office chair.

Fucking hell, lads. The settings have just changed. Do you know the phrase bucket list didn't exist before the film? Yes, it did. That's film? Yes, it did. That's not. Yes, it did. It didn't. Google it.

Yes, it did. I had that same reaction. Why are we Googling it? What was Steve here for? Come on, Steve. Steve's doing work. It didn't exist before the film. Yes, it did.

Is he editing something? That's Carl. I don't know who's told you that, but that's a lie. That's a wrong. Yeah. That's a bad wrong. Carl says, Carl says the... 2007.

The same bucket list meaning origin. Right, go for it, Carl. What have you got? Go on. Informers. Let's hear you back yourself down here. So 2016... His first authenticator used the phrase in the Newshire Post on June 2006

which was talking about the film suck on the end of my cock. No, that's not true. It's not true based on I believe everything

you see in the mainstream media. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what they want you to believe. The phrase the bucket list didn't exist before the film. It did.

Who's that written by? Hillary Clinton. I've been making bucket lists since I was like five. But you haven't been calling it that. Because look at the amount of fucking articles on Google

that are talking about it people are very angry over the term bucket list Carlo you what though what you've been making bucket lists

since you were five yeah yeah what was the what were your bucket lists play for Liverpool play for Liverpool was it just that

is it the same as it is today play for Liverpool get it just that is it the same as it is today play for Liverpool get bitches make money there we go smoke blunts he wrote the first Scouse hip hop song

it was coined in 2007 not the other way around it wasn't Karl no offence I'm dead bored Iolid it's boring Iolid

do any of you particularly Adam and Dan google yourself oh Flo Karl's just googled what are we talking about i'm gonna google you that eyelids do any of you particularly adam and dan are not called because he's boring google yourself just google adam to try and find his live at the apollo set again couldn't find it is ever could not find it is it available anywhere? iPlayer iPlayer if they googled

Adam Rowell I have the Apollo it will be the top hit Carl will you actually do that now? just will you put the telly on so I can see?

you just gotta watch it on iPlayer it's not on YouTube as a set is it? no no it will be at some point though that arse raptor will put it up

it's mine there it is do you know how the internet works you just google Adam Rowe live dear pal Ella Knight

calling you out here mate I want to see what the fills are the third top result for Adam was Adam Rowe aye the top result

for me is Dan Nightingale wife comedian wife then wiki then drugs side note oh she's put

side note Adam looks so much better now than when he did Club Comic. I do. Thank you, Ella. Well saved there. So yours are Comedian Wife, Wiki, Drugs, Tattoo, Height, South Shields,

Tor, Have a Word, Wife Again, Podcast, Controversy, We Don't Talk About It, Tor, and then Have a Word Podcast. What's mine, if you just put Adam around? I think it's Muppet, just just 10 times i haven't got a wiki i podcast frog on bucket run corn dan nightingale tickets liverpool tour live depot oh oh wow who's google adam rowe i'm one of yours because people are like adam rowe who's that cunt you know you know. The Antaki sat next to him. Funny. Laura doesn't like that it's wife,

but it's the most obvious thing in the world because she's been mentioned in every episode since we started. And she's, you know, I don't know. It's just obvious. I think that's an obvious one, but it made her feel a bit. No, I don't Google myself and and I try not to read reviews,

and even the fucking... We get positive, positive, positive, positive, and then if I read one negative, it's just like, what's the fucking point? We're doing good work. I could read 50,000 positive comments about me or the podcast. One negative comment ruins your day for about an hour. So it ruins your hour

yeah no it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it

it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it's a good thing, but I see one more, you, I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to do it. I get too into like oh yeah and this person says i'm real then it read just then you know you deserve the negative one that i just try and detach from all of it it's fine i just delete them if i see one about you the negative of the leader him work our arses off on this i know it looks like we just

turn up and fuck around but this shit has taken over our lives we work hard if someone's like i don't like this person go fuck yourself and anyone who's like oh I'll tell you what we should do get rid of them this is a fucking family mate I hope you die person who comments that

this is we will honestly put this in the wall before someone gets fucked off god I got really annoyed fucking wall oh

what was the question or did you google yourself I have done it before just to make sure there's no blogs about me when certain things have happened. Yeah. And you're getting your profiles rising and it just means that people are going to be writing about you.

Tell you what I noticed, after we had Ralph Little on and Will Mellor, which was a great fun episode, we started following him on Twitter, or we had been doing for a while. And every time there's an article written about Ralph little, he has to go on Twitter or feels compelled to go on Twitter and then just correct all the things he perceives as mistakes.

Like there was a big article written and it wasn't in there. And he, he started the thread of tweets by saying, this was a nice article. Just want to clear up a few things. And it was eight tweets of like things that sort of like made him go, no, no, but that's wrong.

And that's wrong. And that's wrong. And that's because when your profile's up there, people are writing about you. Have they fully researched it? Do they know what they're on about? Well, journalism has become a pathetic, embarrassing excuse of a profession, hasn't it?

Like they don't actually do their jobs anymore. It's true. They just go, oh, well, what have we got to raise wells? Ralph Little. Right, so, what's his wife called? Are you sure?

Right. And then they'll put that in. Like, they're not, like, checking it. They're just asking the person fucking next to them. Like, it's so, the details are so not an issue.

And people only ever see the first article and the headline. They don't see the fucking, the apology on page 93 or whatever. They just... They've also, the apology on page 93 or whatever. They've also got editors just going, whatever gets clicks.

Yeah. Which is not how to do journalism, is it? Like, there's a lot of good journalists. Shite. Who are struggling against that, the whole clickbait culture. They made the money from... Look at these,

look how bad these celebrities look now. Where does that come into, Ryan? Interesting, investigative journalism. All right, Lids. As you're always talking about football, would you not consider doing an 11-a-side charity football match? Have a word versus the patrons. Find a small stadium and sell tickets to watch.

Have a word team is made up of you lot and all the guests that you've had on the pod. The other team are all patrons. You could open it up as people pay £5 and go into a draw if they'd like to play against you and then do a live draw on Patreon to see who wins. All spectator money goes to the charity. Thought it would be a decent idea

to see if Rowie Bags is really as good as he says he is. That's from Taylor. I think we'd do it as all guests. Yeah. Sorry, I don't think we'd invite patrons no I see the thinking but no and also we've had a lot of people

going do you know what would be great if you did a prize draw and then one of the patrons came on the couch there's some very funny comedians who've come on there and been a bit fucking meh so it's not we love the

patrons but this is not but we don't want one in here it would be so unbelievably shit um or you could get lucky and they'd be fucking legends but the chances are yeah yeah like and it's it's not people i get messages on instagram being watching a pod lad just think you should get a normal person on like me because I'm really funny with all my mates and it's like yeah I'm sure so start your podcast

with your mates then and then when you have been when you've done a load of podcasts and we're like oh this guy's really funny put some content out then we'll invite you on

we invite everyone on who creates good stuff but just going do you know what I made a fucking joke three weeks ago in the pub and my mates laughed for like a full fucking

eight seconds I'm talking like I was at the bar getting the pint and the crisp and me mates laughed for like four fucking eight seconds I'm talking like I was at the bar getting the pint and the crisp and they were still giggling on it so you know put me on the biggest podcast

in the country I think people yeah yeah they love it they want to be involved that's cool I'd probably be the same

but like a charity match against patrons has got a little bit of that plus you know two footed slide tackle against it if I get my fucking

ankle broken and it turns out they're a three-pound patron, I'm fuming. I'll take a fucking ACL sprain from a ten-pound patron. We should do an 11-a-side game

knowing film and it should be me versus you and we do captains. What stadium? How many people? Right. If we're looking at Anfield,

it's going to have to be July. Right. I won because I don Anfield, it's going to have to be July. Right. I won because I don't play as much football as you. I want first pick, and it's Carl. Would you give me that? You can have first pick, but then I get to pick the next two. Yeah, that's how it goes. Yeah, so it's snake system.

Yeah, it's snakes. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So you pick one, I pick two, and then it's one each from there. That means you get the best and the worst player. So from all All former guests Obviously Finn as well Finn's got to be

One of them picks I think Because he's going to be On stage In terms of goalkeeper The guy's Third tier Welsh Do you reckon we could do

A stadium with 10,000 No I don't I think we're We're going to do an arena for the live show. I don't think 10,000 of them want to come and watch. 5,000? I think maybe what we should do is just do the Shankly playing fields and film it. No.

Bucky? Victoria Park? Bucky Thistle? Let's just go and play at Roncorn. Come on. They want us. And we can have Roncorn on. He'll turn up.

Roncorn is so desperate to be on this podcast. I think we should do the Runcorn Lynette Stadium. Carl. Okay, let's have a look at how big it is. Ready? 3,000. Millbank Lynette. There's no way it's 3,000.

It has to be a few hundred. All right, okay. Okay, looks like. 11,000 to be a few hundred. All right, okay. Okay, looks like. 11,000. It's 11. Okay. They play at... They don't.

They surely don't play there. Oh, they play at the Witness Rugby League ground. Yeah. That's just across the way. Yes. I reckon we could get that. Who's asking for that on a Wednesday afternoon? We just opened one stand.

It doesn't have to be fucking four stands, does it? Right, okay okay so my first pick carl who genuinely who's a good football i don't even know who's dead good at football can i just go quickly onto the youtube on my phone and just like have a little scroll through and see who's who's been on he's good steve steve's like well i i'd have Feringal, as one of my first two picks. Yeah, because he's third tier Welsh. And then I would probably go after that with... Don't be fucking silly. I'd go...

Go on. I'd go Paddy. Right. Cool. Finn and Paddy Okay Right Cool Are you going next? Then Paddy Who's your next? I'll go Wozniak

I'll go Simon Wozniak Oh yeah fuck He's ready to go to football Is he? Yeah Erm I'd then go Okay

Brennan Rees is brilliant but What? He's Dan he's trying to sow a seed there do not bite on it Brennan Reese's not brilliant

look at his face mate Brennan Reese's brilliant gumbo mate Brennan Reese's brilliant butt I'd go Kai

Humphries Kai Humphries oh mate you've got some engines in this team I'd go Danny Mac I'd go Danny Mac good. I'd go Danny Mac. I'd go Danny Mac.

Go on, shout. I'd go Danny Mac. Callum Oakley. You go Callum. I'm going Molly Meatball McCann. I don't want to play anymore. I'd go Cal Friese. Oh, I was going to say. We'll go Trice.

Yeah. I think Trice is good, isn't he? I will go tries yeah I think tries is good isn't he I'll go Lauren Patterson you're being silly I am being silly what's the next question I'll probably go

shorty then erm on a similar theme Tommy T Tommy T says wag wag legs

would Adam and Dan or Carl ever do the hot ones YouTube show or something like it they get asked to do and what they

sorry yeah I would yeah what heat do you reckon you'd be able to get to before saying no more it's one of the biggest YouTube shows in the world

where you just eat hot wings until they're too hot for you the very famous meme of Paul Rudd going look at us oh is that going, look at us. Oh, is that Hot Ones? Look at us, yeah.

Who would have thought? Not me. Not me. So these questions genuinely, I love you, Tom. They fill me with anger at how stupid they are. They're asking us, would we do one of the biggest YouTube shows in the world? Yeah.

And to anyone asking, whenever I do those Ask Me Anythings, would you get Bill Bear on the pod if he was up for it? Yeah, we would. Yeah. Would you get Michael McIntyre on? Yeah. No. We would.

Yeah. No, we would. We absolutely would. Would you do Live at the Apollo again? Adam, would you do it, Dan? Yeah, we would. Yeah. Would you go to America and do one of those late night TV slots?

Yeah, we would. Yeah. We'll do anything that benefits our career or this podcast. We're just telling a conversation. Oh, shut up! Bit of advice, because he seems like he's in a good mood. Sorry, Tom. By the way, Shaq

eating that hot chip is one of my favourite little clips when he comes on. It's nothing to me. And he bites the hottest chip in existence and he goes he bets 20 bucks that he's not going to make a face

not even close to the best shot clip though no there's loads of good there's loads of good shot clips but that is amazing watching a man who confidently thinks

he can eat the hottest chip in the world and he goes 20 bucks I don't even make a face they're always him and Charles Barkley are always betting

aren't they it's so funny that they piss each other off in careers and now in commenting. Have you seen him not be able to... Go on, do it. Do it, you little child.

Go on. Go on. It is a fun... I do like to face that. Go on, Adam. No, you finish. It's the petrol one. He's talking about the petrol one.

I'm seeing the petrol one. I'm done. It's fine. I don't want to talk. I'm going to ask a question. You annoying cunt Just had to wait Three seconds

Yeah Yeah Let's do some advice Have you seen the one Where you can't get Scratched down I've seen it Loads

He keeps saying He's going to fill it up I hope it'll cost The house as much He doesn't get it We talked about it A few episodes ago Didn't we

He doesn't get it It's like The maths of it I've moved on mentally. He's a good sportsman, but maths is not a strong point. Fucking gumbo. You're getting a bit jazzy-headed there, kid.

Oh, I am. Advice. Anonymous Lids. Hey up, Lids. I'm an 18-year-old lad from Manchester and recently went clubbing and a guy touched my girlfriend's bottom. He's put our arse,

but I changed it. She told me it happened, but was unfazed now you were talking about fighting on last patron and i'm in a similar boat to dan never conversed in the language of fisticuffs well that's the first time that's ever been said in it i like her never conversed in the language of fisticuffs and basically have no idea about technique or anything in a situation like that do i square up to him and potentially get banged out? Or,

especially considering she took it in her stride, do I just leave it alone? The situation made me feel very emasculated for some reason and I feel embarrassed that I didn't end up doing anything.

It took me by surprise and I didn't know how I was meant to react. Any advice on this would be great. Get on me. Up the toffees. Yes, lad.

I get it. Typical toffee shit house. It's weird, isn't it? Seneca's broke two people's noses. You've done that. Seriously? Yeah. In Mojo, someone tried to put his hand up his skirt,

so he just turned around and did the palm, just smashed his nose in the wedding gala banter. What? Yeah, she just palmed him in the nose. That's exactly how things like this should be dealt with. Violence. With fucking Serica going Bruce Lee. I wouldn't ever...

She doesn't take it. She's like, she knows her worth and she knows what she doesn't like. Yeah, if you get your nose broken for trying to stick your hand up a girl's skirt, you've got away lightly. Genuinely. I think they should...

This goes back to that spiking thing where you quite rightly got fuming. There should just be policing. We've all got mates who are girls. We've all got sisters, cousins. And if you see a lad trying to stick his hand up, and this is their mates as well, sort your fucking boys out.

It's a disgrace. You need to punch your mate in the face. If she hasn't or her boyfriend hasn't This is a very It's a very good question this And the reason for that is The emasculation I totally understand

I 100% am feeling A bit powerless and worthless As a result of that Because you didn't do anything The flip side of that is If you try and confront a lad, and you get your head kicked in, you're going to feel even more emasculated,

it's, and you have to do what she wants, as well, the person doing it, the protagonist, the fucking arsehole who's doing it, is as low as it is possible to get as a human, he's scum,

and he's trying to emasculate her, and he's trying to intimidate a woman, they're scumbags, and, I don't really know what to do in this. If you don't feel like you can win the fight, you can't really start the fight. Yeah, but you've got to, haven't you? You've got to.

But then you're going to feel worse. It happened to me when I went to Pins and we were playing fucking shuffleboard. Yeah. And that kid jumped on the shuffleboard and like slid. And he's with all his mates. And I was like, I can't not do anything here. But there's 10 lads. But I had to go over and go over and go lad do me a favor don't do that again

yeah and what did he say he's like oh lad we fit you well i was like lad i'm just i'm trying to have a date with my girl just a normal human not being a cunt and intimidating people but i couldn't stand there and know that i'd been made to look a cunt listen where are the bouncers because i've seen bouncers kick the fuck out of people and you're like, I'm sure they've been a knobhead in your eyes. Where are you boys?

This is what we need bouncers to be like. So if the 18 year old girl goes, this guy's just basically tried to finger me. Could you sort it out? Oh, yeah,

no. But if she does that, then, then they will be immediately removed. Yeah. At the minute. And leave one in.

But it's the fear, isn't it? Some girls don't want to go and start doing stuff like that. They shouldn't have to. They don't want to. And girls feel like they've got to be sure who's done it. If you're in a packed club and someone just puts their finger up, you're fucking scared from behind you and you turn around and there's seven lads there.

And six of them haven't even seen the scumbag fucking do it. She might not even know who's done it. It's fucking horrible. It's as low as it gets but if you know who the lad is that's done it you've either got to try and punch his head in or if you feel like you can't you've got to go and get a doorman to do it for you yeah you've got to square it up to him if you've never fought and you turn around and there is some fucking rugby league player looking at you going what are you going to do? You can go for it if you want

but you will get your head kicked in and when the bouncers come over, everyone's going to go, the little guy started it. You're not going to have the moral high ground. You might have been like I've defended, that's why it's tricky because in your head you're like, I fought, I'll fight again. I've never fought and neither is he. I know what he's going through. It's fucking minging because you're like, I fought, I'll fight again. I've never fought and neither has he. I know what he's going through.

It's fucking minging because you're so angry you want to attack. And in the end, the guys who do this stuff are sure of themselves because they're bullies. They're physically touching and intimidating women. Do you think they're not going to do it to a lad that they think they can twat? So you're going to get your fucking head kicked in. And weirdly, they're not going to do it to a lad that they think they can twat so you're going to get your fucking head kicked in and weirdly they're not going to be in the wrong because when it all gets separated and who's done what the bouncer's gonna be like yeah but he went you went for him so what the fuck i've got to be honest with you personally

in that situation if the doorman are too far away, or I feel like they weren't going to know, I know this might be silly. I'd rather get my head kicked in. The emotion takes over and you've got to do something. I'd rather try. And part of the problem here is psycho girls who just lie about stuff like this. Because then they make it difficult for bouncers to go...

No, but that's such a minority, isn it compared to this actually happening and you've also got to face if she took her on the chin she might not want you to go fighting she could then fall out with you like what are you fighting for that could happen as well hey this has literally happened to me at a kid's disco at the edinburgh festival laura's like a guy just squeezed my ass and we i went oh and she turned she was like i have no idea but one of the dads just squeezed my arse. And I went, ooh! And she turned, she was like, I have no idea. But one of the dads just squeezed my arse. I literally turned around and saw her arse. It was packed.

A fucking kid's disco on a Sunday afternoon at a fringe venue. And it gets you, is it hackles? It gets you, instantly you go, you feel, I know exactly. Are you haunches? Yeah, it's horrific. It's an awful feeling. And then you feel, I know exactly. Oh, your haunches. Yeah, it's horrific. It's an awful feeling. And then you're looking at every dad. Basically, it's a kid disco.

So it's just like dance. It's all blokes in the 30s going, don't, hey, watch out. Watch out, Jasper. Don't fall there. And then you're thinking, one of these is a dirty perv and we didn't know which one it was.

Could have been a woman. Could have been one of the kids. Could? Yeah. One of the kids could have been a woman. Could have been one of the kids. Could? Yeah. Could have been like, fucking hell, big bundy. Squeeze. So,

Rowe Baggs' advice is just start twatting everyone. Yeah. Just go berserk and start punching people. Someone's a bit... You're right in the end. Come here, Jasper,

you little twat. You rapey little five-year-old twat. What would you do if a... What would you do if you were walking down the high street and a 13-year-old twat. What would you do if you were walking down the high street and a 13-year-old boy grabbed Lord's arse? Well, that is a fight

I feel more confident in. What do you do in the fight? Can I punch a 13-year-old? Yeah. Do you remember I used to have a bit and I benched it and I really like it

when I squared up to a kid at the park on his mountain bike and all of them shat because I was like, come on guys, you're being inconsiderate. And one of them went, oh, fuck yourself. And I had the moment of like,

oh, I thought I'd win through being a shouty adult. And one of them went, I think I could take him. And then we had this awful moment. I was like, if it kicks off, what am I going to do? Because he's got, he just sends one fucking TikTok, one Snapchat. If he just went, he's got a whole sends one fucking tiktok one snapchat if he just went he's got a whole year he's like avengers assemble and i've got three mates and they live in different places yeah but what are you doing you're walking down you walk past and a 13 year old kid goes

belted ass that was that's a go right in front of you the great thing about being with uh laura who thinks she's as hard as Molly... But she's fell over. She's... How hard did she... Have you seen my wife's arse? He grabbed it quite hard. She tripped over, and the bag went over her face,

so she can't see. Right, so she's... So she's like, ahhh! Ahhh, me arse! And me eyes! Ahhh! She's incapacitated.

This 13-year-old, I think would be a little scared of what he's done. I just went for a fucking squeeze, and I've actually put a woman in a bag. But she's fine. You're here. She's just incapacitated. Yeah.

What are you doing there? She's sprained both her ankles. Imagine if I just fucking spinning kicked him. It'd be amazing. I think you'd have to. Right in the chin. But, Carl, you'd go to prison. Do you reckon?

If you got caught. What if you missed? I reckon. If you got caught in the high street where there's CCTV fucking everywhere. There's more CCTV in this country than any other country in the world do you wear hats though

just change your hat oh yeah you're right I'd chest kick him T-kick in the chest nice straight on fuck off cunt right

write him to Vodafone get me a sim only deal while you're in there you little prick great because you need a snappy line when you're in there You little prick Great Because you need a snappy line When you Whenever you

Picking your wife off Whenever you twat your child You need that snappy line Don't you Because you're going to do Five years in prison So you might as well do it You know

With a story Because if I had to treat it out You'd be like Sick that one Yeah I'm only going to do While you're in there You're cunt

Did you say that Mr. O I did I'm only going to do Two and a half I actually think I'm going to be making calls From you're in there, you're a cunt. Did you say that, Mr. O? I did. I'm only going to do two and a half. I actually think I'm going to be making calls from inside. You big soft wig wearing twat. Nice.

Nice. Get more of a sentence. Is he just taking the phone in? You all right, Carl? That was stupid, wasn't it? He's coming in. Coming in. Fresh meat today.

At the prison. You heard, who's coming? The Vodafone kicker. You think, what't it? He's coming in. Coming in. Fresh meat today. At the prison. You heard, who's coming? The Vodafone kicker. You go, what the fuck? We call him Sim Only. Diego Sim Only. Beautifully done. Don't know, mate.

Horrible feeling. Don't know what to do. I felt it. I felt it not with a grab, but more of a kick. Either go down swinging or get a dormant and just be a little grass or just get a gun uh i think that is a sectione that's a nice watch isn't it i need a new watch watch yourself oh nailed it um let's have a break shall we car calling it you are all right hello everyone let's talk about one of our sponsors today it's nord vpn now i don't know loads about vpns but the man to my left here is addicted to the internet and he's an expert see the fact that you don't use vpn for your private little danny time is insane to me it's the most secure way to save

the internet you can set your location to anywhere on the planet and that means you get access to like you can change it to America you get American Netflix you can change it to like Saudi Arabia and you get to watch the Premier League football with the six Saudi Arabian commentators on you get to watch Premier League football that's at three o'clock that you can't get over here it's just a sick way of tricking your computer or any device into thinking you're anywhere in the world you i can't recommend it enough and the fact that they're now a sponsor and i get a membership of nord vpn for free is it's my favorite sponsor i've had so far apart from manscape because they help me shave the deal is a two-year deal plus one month for just 65 quid. $89, which is about 65 quid.

It's an amazing deal. It is at nordvpn.com slash have a word. Code word, have a word. Go and get it. Watch the footy. Watch whatever you want. Tell your computer where you are. It doesn't get to tell you where you are.

My computer sometimes looks at me without my VPN. I'm like, hey, we're in Liverpool here. And I'm like, no, you're not. He doesn't get to tell you where you're are. My computer sometimes looks at me without me VPL. I'm like, hey, where in Liverpool are you? And I'm like, no, you're not. You're in Belarus. Nailed it.

Welcome to the Happy Hava Word podcast. We're making ha-ha. We're doing. We're making sexy ha-ha. We have PR here. Oh. How are you? I'm going to make it

in the mouth. He's my husband mouth He's my husband Haben Sie ein Wort? No, don't actually speak German Don't be cultured Be borderline racist Or xenophobic You have a sexy name though

Your name's very sexy I'm very jealous of your name My name? Yeah My name in full or just Pierre? Name in full Really? What's your name in full yeah novelli it's a sexy name do you mean you want my number you don't know my name no i thought you were like oh my name in full oh like von hausen von schnitzel i thought you i knew your name i thought there was going to be more to it what's your middle name

guillaume what What? Shut up. For a South African man who was raised on the Isle of Man and now resides in the UK. Yeah. You sound very French. Novelli's Italian. So there's even more happening that's not relevant.

What's Guillaume? That's French as well. Pierre Guillaume. Sounds like someone just yawned when they were naming you. Guillaume. Sound like you're in the Arsenal youth set up. You never got a first team game. him back to boards oh good player now though i tried i tried to do a bit once about how because

i'm i'm not a good sports guy i've got fragments of sports knowledge here and there but every time i see a name trending on twitter that i don't recognize of any kind. It's either football news, terror attack. Like either, like a guy in Norway has gone on a rampage or something's happened in a, like either it's like a horrifying news story or like an American shooting where they're using the shooter's full name. I see a full name trending.

I go, football or attack. Let's hope football. It's a contract dispute. When a full name trending i go football or let's hope let's hope football it's a contract dispute when a celebrity starts trending and you play dead or nonce yeah it's a good game when you see david attenborough you don't want it to be either what would you rather dead i don't want the grandfather of animals yep everyone's uncle David but no he's an animal nun he's not a person you know he shagged some giraffes

in his time yeah all smoked without fire an animal nun as in he shagged a kid if it turns out that David Anderbrett has stuck a finger

in a fucking giraffe everyone will be like yeah of course as long as he was narrating while he did it and the giraffe will be like come on Dave here is the giraffe's ass

the reach yeah you think everyone knew where this was going I'd be like, come on, Dave. Here is the giraffe's ass. The reach. Yeah. Everyone knew where this was going when I got a step ladder. Doing it with a GoPro. You're telling me. The giraffe. The Francis Bourgeois of giraffe fingering.

Give us a horn. Are you suggesting a bestiality version of Francis Bourgeois? He's just delighted with all these different animals. I'm saying if a lot of people did it, it's bestiality. But I think if Uncle David did it, it's payback. Payback? What have the animals done to him? He's given him his career. He's done so much to help share the content of animals.

He's brought, you know. Most of it's CGI, you know. He didn't even fucking go down there with a camera. No, it is. Blue Planet. Most of it is CGI. No, not Blue Planet. Where was David Attenborough in Blue Planet?

He wasn't in Blue Planet. Blue Panda. Blue Panda. Are you seeing Blue Panda? CGI, bro. It's Blue Planet panda CGI says who he's just making it up I'm not making it up

there was a big controversy about it it took like fucking 25 years to make and most of it was editing because they were

fucking drawing whales and shit honestly 25 years and if you'd like to know what Adam's referencing it'll be in the comments

Adam will comprehensively show all of his bullshit. 25 years! Honestly, episode 3? Crayon? That's a fucking penguin. Is that a real conspiracy? No. He's made up.

He's gone purple. He's fucking gumbo. Sorry, Pierre. I'm sorry you had to see this. This is Patreon episode 5. He's gone fucking puce. You absolute gumbo pube. Is it jazzy in here? Google Blue Planet. Thanks for coming, Pierre.

Just two seconds. We do need to figure this out. The guy's from 19 different places and we're shouting about drawn penguins. I am interested to find out, though. Uncle David, for all the things that he's done and not done, and he can finger a job. He's never done

they've never done CGI this is going to be so satisfying by the way this is going to be so satisfying I remember the fence shots that were filmed in a studio they were totally so it wasn't fake

it wasn't CGI though was it they've not got Disney Pixar I guarantee you the next one down it we'll say that it was CGI so

it was captive wildlife oh Jesus so it was filmed in a tank box as well so he's gone to the fucking the aquarium of cheshire oaks with a couple of cameras and we're knighting this here we are in ellsmear port stop fingering things dave it is my right so it wasn't cgi it was it was captive so bollocks that's worse if anything they said pretend you're hatching and we'll let you go

that's what they said to the animals like hostages you want to see your family again oh that was rough I'm interested Pierre that you've got French forenames Italian surname

South African heritage I'm trying to piece this together but I've lost surname, South African heritage. I'm trying to piece this jigsaw together, but I've lost the box. South African heritage. Yeah, that's it. Not for the whole way. Tell me how far that goes back. Let me suggest late Victorian period.

What is the furthest back one? My grandmother was Afrikaans. There's Dutch in there as well. Okay. What is the furthest back one? My grandmother was Afrikaans. There's Dutch in there as well. Okay. That's like 1700s or something. Is it? American style stuff.

Okay. Yeah. But then my grandparents were from the UK on the other side. My dad's side is a lot more South African, Italian, weird European mixture stuff. My mom's half English, half Scottish. Okay. But she's from South Africa as well. Her parents, I mean. And French? My mom's half English, half Scottish. But she's from South Africa as well. Her parents, I mean.

And French? So, you know like South African sports people, they're always called like Francois Leroux and stuff like that. And you're like, what? Is that a real person? Janny Duplessis. Yeah, they're all real people.

Yeah. Yeah. All the, I mean, all the rugby players. Johnny Vandegas? There's loads of Dutch and that's back to the, I mean, rugby players. Johnny Van Der Gasse? There's loads of Dutch, and that's back to the, it's Dutch and English. Like JB de Villiers is very,

that's a Dutch. Well, but de Villiers, you know. The only South African sports person that I know is Shabbalabalala. Shabbalala? Yeah. The one who scored that goal in the first game of the South African World Cup.

What's his name, though? Shabbalala? No, but what's, how did you pronounce it? Shabbalabalala. It's like Bananarama. Shabbalabala? Shabbalala No but what's How did you pronounce it? Shabbalalalala It's like Bananarama It's Shabbalala Shabbalala That rhymes itself

Do you remember that bit of commentary though? It's one of the best bits of commentary In like A goal for all of Africa Do you remember it? The first goal Twat bastard in the top corner Absolute

Oh yeah Yeah Thunder come to the strike He shabbaled it But like Because he's got the best Possible name for commentary As long as you know

What it is Like the The fella goes Bazaar He goes Shabalala Go for all of Africa It's fucking unbelievable

Yeah So that's your heritage That's my That's it Yeah Like De Villiers It's like De Villiers You know

It's French as hell Because there were A bunch of French Protestants who all moved down there and got absorbed. Oh yeah, it's French innit? Oh yeah. But we're so used to seeing- Anything is if you say it like that though, isn't it?

De Villiers. You can say Adam Roll. Adam Roll. Adam Roll. Adam Roll. What would you do if it turned out that like, the most like pretentious people in paris were like there's like a cell of have a word fans in paris you're going holiday to paris and a bunch of guys in hermes

oh yeah paris fashion week and they push heidi klum out of the way go be gone and then across the street to you and roll my bags i fucking love it there's loads of posh cunts in this country with french names as well yeah because of the revolution where they did the right thing chopped off a load of fucking tories heads and all the poshies were like oh we need to get the fuck out of paris And where did they come? London to stay with their posh cunt English mates. So we have, if you trace like the, again, is it the name, the history of names?

Etymology. Etymology. Loads of French sounding names within like, look at Francis Bourgeois. They were Huguenots as well. The most French sounding name ever. And it's just a Tory who chases trains. All the ones who went to South Africa were Huguenots,

which is like a kind of type of Protestant, and they were not popular. And they moved to London as well, and they had an influence on the Cockney accent. Were they like militant? Was it Calvinist sort of? They were pretty grumpy. Right, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were pretty grumpy. A bunch of grumpy gussers, I think, the French king. Puritans who got told to fuck off, basically. Yeah, buckled hats. Right, all right, okay all right okay intense vibes so they ended up in south africa yeah and the netherlands and london yeah yeah it's the lesson here i'm enthralled i genuinely mean if you trace back the history of christians being kicked out of this country it's pretty interesting it's why basically oliver cromwell was a puritan wasn't it and and they yes yeah so there's loads of rules about what you can and

can't do that they put in place yeah that are puritan christian which is basically like don't do anything fun jesus said nothing about having fun and after a while they just got booted out and that's they ended up in all these outreaches in America, all over the sort of Commonwealth, because England went, fuck off, you boring cunts. We want to eat a mince pie on Christmas day. I still think there's rules about eating mince pies on Christmas day.

What? You're not allowed to eat them? Because it tastes like shite? Because in that mid 17th century era, it was like, there was laws put in against. They suppressed Christmas a lot. Yeah.

They said it was too, if you have too much fun, it's like being a pagan. Yeah against christmas a lot yeah they said it was too if you have too much fun it's like being a pagan yeah which is which is jehovah's we talked about jehovah's last week oh yeah same as jehovah's you can't celebrate i got a message from a jehovah's earlier by the way from the door on email now from the daughter of a jehovah's on from doors to windows said be mars of jehovah's and if you want any questions answer and just give us a message you can't celebrate your birthday i don't know your Jehovah's and if you want any questions answer and just give us a message you can't celebrate your birthday I don't think

you're Jehovah's Witness I don't even think they tell them when it is really just so they're not tempted yeah how old am I a bar 506

can't get into details a week or so your name must have opened some doors though when you were younger surely uh opened some doors yeah like ladies and stuff were younger, surely. Open some doors?

Yeah, like ladies and stuff. No, people just... Once you start talking about Huguenots... Do you mean drawers? Ah. Old-fashioned, but sexy. De Villiers over here. Yeah. No, I think once you start talking about Huguenot migration in the 1700s,

most women tend to... Ooh, get me some kitchen roll. Ooh, tell me more. Oh, Professor Pussy. Yeah. But you grew up on the Isle of Man? Moved there around the time I turned seven, which is quite a transfer from Johannesburg.

Yeah, seven or so. I wouldn't want to. How did that go down? Because that's a pretty like. It's pretty weird. Not a lot of immigration. You're basically, you know, they've got an immigrant.

They were excited. No, I was the, we moved in midwinter. That was a mistake. Midsummer in South Africa to midwinter on the Isle of Man. Oh, Jesus. It gets dark at four or whatever.

Wind is blowing everything fucking sideways. Can I ask a weird question? Maybe it's personal. Maybe you don't want to tell us. Why did you move from South Africa to the Isle of Man? What laws did your family break? We were banished. Did you lose a farm

by any chance? No, we're strictly urban South Africans. We're in Johannesburg. City, not city center uh we it was for my dad's job it was only supposed to be for two years because if you set up a business on the island of men you pay almost no tax and they wanted to set up a branch in europe and they were like we're not going to pick france sorry what dan get on there yeah dan who wants to use roe's boat that he's definitely getting soon yeah and let's start a Have A Word studio in the Alabama.

Douglas Studios. Nice. Yeah. HaveAWord.iom. Dot I-M. That would be the way we go. Is it a tax haven? Well, yeah, but it's like it's not an easy one.

You have to go live there and do things. You have to live there for like five days or something. No, it's most of the year at least. I saw that on Don't Tell My Bride. It has to be 51% of the year, doesn't it? He's got it. Yeah, at least i saw that on 51 of the year doesn't it he's got it yeah at least and you got to get resident status and if you want a fun one go to the caribbean one of the naughty places the cayman anywhere a russian goes not now uh but anyway they used to go that's the place you want to go unarmed yeah yeah yeah air tax havens yeah yeah yeah pretty much

whereas like there's no isle of Man's being like, oh, we have this beautiful rain-swept cottage. I would love to live here. It doesn't really. Abramovich. Yeah. But no, yeah. So if you're going to set up a business

that's going to be international anyway, fuck it, yeah, do it. How has it changed schools? How were the kids when you got to school? I'd never been to school. What? You start school when you turn like seven. Southrica's like fucking norway you just kind of dick around in the woods till you turn like six or seven and then they chuck you in primary school

wow so it's straight to essentially a northwest primary school with an incomprehensible voice no one understood a fucking thing i was saying and i didn't understand a fucking thing you might as well be norwegian yeah did you used to have a thick south african accent thick johannesburg accent south african accent and then they all had these to my ears fucking insane accents and like it just took a while the uk has so many accents i had to work my way through it like a fucking video game does have a lot of accents yeah my parents couldn't understand people from liverpool at all yeah they'd go across to liverpool on the ferry if they you know like yeah

you go to cheshire oaks or whatever you go to trafford center or whatever you want to do something it's kind of the nearest city and they just walk around like imagine having to get a boat to the nearest city yeah and not a great boat in winter either real vomit combat you know it's gonna be great next week though when I actually get it. It's going to be big Isle of Man tour dates which is sold out. But you can get,

I think it was just released a few extra tickets. Released another 600 tickets. Yeah, they pinned it and sold out at 240, but then they were like, oh. My wife is from the East Midlands and she can't speak Scouse. Yeah. So when we had landscapers in,

so at the back garden, they were like telling us stuff. Yeah, yeah. And she was going, I've had to be an interpreter for it. Yeah, yeah. Dan, teach him some new Scouse that you've learned today.

Yes. You've learned some Scouse today. We taught Dan Scouse in the first half. Okay, all right. Yeah, we taught him some. Can you remember any? Words. Yeah.

No. I can't remember any. A bar. A bar. A bar. Do you know what that means? It's a Sort of disco band isn't it? No

It's a bout A bar Oh yeah a bar Okay A bar A bar A bar A bar

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A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar A bar freezing cold? Yeah, but then he's going to know what I'm... Yeah, I know. We're testing him. Just teaching him? I don't know. I don't know any. I'm not claiming things. Freezing cold.

Frabs. And dead off. Frabs. Jazzy. Jazzy? Yeah. For when it's hot. If it's boiling hot.

Like a real... Okay. Fucking Jazzy today. And when you've got an erection, you've got an umbengue. Got a fucking stinking umbengue there, lad. Who are you telling that to? I don got a fucking stinking unbangway there lad stinking stinking fucking get on my stinking unbangway if he said that to me i would never speak to him ever again i just want pierre to go i don't know why get on my bone in it i'll be out the door fucking hell girl empty chair so god my parents are walking around liverpool like they were from fucking taiwan just yeah yeah yeah nodding politely people saying things i only notice how insane

scouse lingo is when i've got a friend of mine like another comic who's come to do a weekend in liverpool and we hang out yeah with a good my mates mates from school. So me and Carl went to school together. We still see a group of the lads that we went to school with. And occasionally I'll be meeting them for a drink and I'll be like, oh, Ishan, come and meet these guys. And Ishan knows a lot of Scousers now.

But someone in my group of mates for the first time and then I go into school mode and it's all lingo and in jokes and everything and you can just see them like having like a little table tennis match or at the fringe in the past when for a full month my accent softens quite a lot yeah like i i very naturally mimic people which is a flaw but i can't really help it and then on the last weekend of the fringe he'll come up and people i've been able to communicate quite effectively with for a full three weeks yeah watch me and him have a conversation with me like with pints is this

klingon but that's but that's not a flaw that's a skill that's code switching i do that if i talk to my cousin on the phone i'm south african for the rest of the day you know and and talk to a person i love code switching but we couldn't talk about it on the podcast. Why? I did it in uni, because it's not really fun. No. Is it not fun? No, it's, some people adapt, other people mimic.

Are you bilingual? My neighbour mimics. When he's talking to me, he goes more, he goes northern. Yeah. But he's like, oh,

we need to fix this. You're like, I can hear it in him. No, I mean, I mean, code is in language, not dialect. I mean,

can you speak more than one language? Not fluently, no. All right. I mean, code is in language, not dialect. I mean, can you speak more than one language? Not fluently, no. All right. I mean, people who can switch be like talking to their mum in Spanish. But you can code switch in terms of like other, like class and stuff as well. Yeah, no, absolutely.

But I mean, language-based. Language-based, yeah. Yeah, but isn't this a version of it? It is, yeah. Basically, it's just adapting, isn't it? My vocabulary is about 50% bigger if I hang around with Alfie Brown for more than three hours.

Like I start using bigger, like more intelligent words. Yeah, and you have a 10 minute chat in about an hour and a half. Skip to the end of the sentence. Thank you, Alfie. Yeah, but it's like when you went to the States, you had to tune it into them, didn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't understand accents at all.

The States? Just Americans, no. Yeah, so I had, people asked me if I was Irish. Yep. tune into them didn't you yeah yeah they don't understand accents at all the states americans no yeah so i had people asked me if i was irish yep people asked me if i was scottish and someone's first guess was syrian you do look syrian so i'm literally sat in upstairs at the comedy cellar and one of the comics is listening to me talk to other people he goes goes, so hey man, you're Syria? You from Syria? What a- Fuck off. Have I not told you this yet? Can I just say, for a first guess- I know!

That's what bent my head. I was like, maybe it's like a third of all these, like Irish, Scottish, I don't know, Moroccan? Refugee? Refugee? Syrian? You've adapted quick. He went in at Syri-

Hey man, so you Syrian? I start at Syrian. Syrian? You've adapted quicker. He went in as Syrian. Hey, man, so you Syrian? I start as Syrian. Syrian? On Julie's Hospital. Nah, me too, Jazzy in Syria. Is there different accents in... So if you were talking to someone from, like, Cape Town, and I'm not talking about class,

because my mate lives in Stellenbosch, which is basically the fancy country near Cape Town and I'm not talking about class because my mate lives in Stellenbosch which is basically the fancy country near Cape Town but if you were from Joburg yeah could you hear the accent of Cape Town or Johannesburg yeah I'm not as I'm not very good at it but if it's a really strong Joburg accent like some of my my cousins have or my my step cousins then I can go okay that sounds like so- so who i know right so i'm guessing that's joe but cape town they sound they're all like it's more like chilled out like surfers but south africa it's just it's such a diverse place that there's isn't class it's just money there's other divides there's other divides more interesting divides

because we were talking before about like lancashire where i'm from you only go you have enough 10 miles and there's a different town to us to me they sound different in Blackburn and Burnley I can hear it no one else will be able to hear it

it's the same for you I can't really hear the difference between the Wirral and Liverpool but these can spot it a fucking mile we can tell you what within a small range

we can tell you what area from where you're from especially north and south so north Liverpool is a lot harsher me and Carl and our Jack

has got a north Liverpool accent how are we lads you alright yeah we're gonna have a fucking pint on the weekend south Liverpool is is Ringo Starr

is fucking the fat controller I'm from Egbeth and I drive a Seat see that's that's what I that's a Seat it's a fucking seat.

Not in South Liverpool. Where did I come from? I'm from England. I'm hiding out of a car and it was lightning. Let me go for it. A seat. A John. A beater.

That's a car. My name's John and I work as a fucking window cleaner Monday to Friday. But on a Saturday, I spin bits. These are real people. Do you know what spin bits means? Go around Egbert. Try not to get knocked out

by a, knocked over by a seer. Do you know what spin bits means? DJ. No? Oh, that's another one. Sell drugs.

Yeah. Is it? Yeah, spinning bits is selling drugs. Spinning bits. Yeah. An Egbert drug dealer. Yeah.

Window cleaner. Oh yeah dealer yeah window cleaner I also I also narrate children's train was on the level the fuck controller's lost a bit of weight stolen

it's jazzy property from before okay so you can use it in that sense as well yeah you can yeah I'm learning scouts you guys should get a that sense as well I'm learning Scouse you guys should get a Duolingo app I can't wait to be harassed by that

fucking owl in a Scouse accent Adam Rosetta Stoney helping everyone out very good how do you find gigging up here I just want to because I don't know Whether our listeners

Will know this And On the subject Of translation Yeah My first introduction To your work Was when you did

Edinburgh Comedy Fest Live Oh yeah Many times ago And you translated So my favourite movie Is The Lion King Oh yeah yeah And

You know the song At the start of The Lion King Do you know what it means? Do you know the song that just starts with The Lion King? Do you know what it means? Do you know what the words mean? No, because Danny Mac has done the Arsene Wenger bit for so long. I genuinely think of Arsenal in about 2007, 2008. But do you not know what it translates to? Is it Lady Smith, Black Mambaza?

Yeah, that's what it translates to. Lady Smith, Black Mambaza. Is it them doing it, though? They were involved. You're an African. Come on. Were they involved? Elton John was the main director of the whole movie's music, wasn't he?

You bet. What? That wasn't Elton John at the start. No, no, no. That wasn't him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Elton John wrote the music for Lion King. Yeah.

Or he was like the musical director. There's no way you don't know this. Come on. This is a wall. Can you feel the love tonight? That's the man himself. That's Elton John. And here's one.

Phil Collins. Tarzan. Yeah. Yeah, I know that one. You need to stop. No, I'm having a small one. I'm having a small one. Don't say the name.

I can stop. Don't give us any fucking money. I haven't said the name. I'm just drinking it. Dan has stopped doing cocaine and is seeking counselling for it and has replaced it with this energy powder. All the energy drinks are available. Okay.

But I don't want them because they're shite. Get on me. Get on me. I really, I want you to guess what those words mean at the start of The Lion King. It's arson. I can't hear anything i can just see arson okay would you mind telling them what it is so it's uh and then it goes on like that but that bit well i cut out the bit where it's at the end it says dad or father

it's like look there's a lion yes here comes a lion basically it's just saying here are some lions there's a lion coming mate there's a load of Africans could have avoided being eaten by a lion if they just shouted that shit oh there's a lion

oh shit there's a lion it's got Dave it's eating Dave's head. Stop drinking that drink. Yeah, what's in that? Shut up. Heroin. What is in that?

It's hiding it. It's not good. You never know how much I fucking hate you right now. Horrible cunt. You can't have me more. Yeah. It's bad for you. Your shit is going to be the color of this now. Horrible cunt. You can't have me more. Yeah. It's bad for you. Your shirt is going to be the colour of this green.

It's an intervention. Do you know the kid who drank too much Sunny Day and turned yellow? I remember hearing about that. Yeah. That'd be you. Yeah. Became a coward.

Yellow bellied. Yeah. Carry on. Yeah. I'd love to listen if I could just stop hearing this humming sound in my life

you listen through your eyes yeah so what's the rest of the song is it just like oh lions of course it does look the lyrics expand they cover some more ground

than that but it was that little start was enough for me to comedically enhance how stupid I thought it was the rest of them is just Saturday Night by Wigfield,

translated into African. The next line is... It's only semi-true that I asked my uncle to translate it. I put that in because you've got to personalize it, don't you? But my uncle is a proper African. He's on his seventh or eighth language now. He's a real... He speaks almost all the South African languages. There's 11.

There's 11 languages in one country? That's small for Africa. That's low. That's 11 official ones. How does any other African country get anything done? They use whatever language the last murderous barbarians who colonized them spoke. They say South African has to speak English, Linguafranca,

French, English, Portuguese, whatever. But because you grow up around it, if you grow up around three different groups, it's not uncommon to just grow up speaking two or three languages. You don't have to learn it because you're a kid. You just fucking absorb it like a sponge. There's not that many, is it?

Compared to Nigeria and stuff like that? Nigeria is like triple figures or something. You count all of them, it's insane. Is it all loosely based on the same? No, some of them are like different groups even. That's the worst part of you go like, well, at least I get a kind of like French and Spanish and they go, no, no, fuck you.

No, it's all going to be difficult. Two fellas in Nigeria who were born and bred in Nigeria and have never lived anywhere else in their lives who cannot communicate because they speak completely, they both speak 50 languages each, but they just don't happen to have. They probably don't go anywhere near each other. If they only speak their languages from where they are,

then depending on the, if they're related, they might understand each other a bit. But yeah, no. But it's not like they're bumping into each other at the fucking petrol station all the time. They probably just stay in their bits. Well, they might. Well, it depends.

If we're imagining guys who don't move around, yeah, it depends. That's wild. But the point is like- There's a lot of bed-bound Nigerians who just can't speak to anyone. No, and they listen to this. They love it.

It's a big section of the fans. Yeah, no, there's a amount of languages available. How's gigging over in Liverpool? You gigged up in, how'd you find it? Up north or in Liverpool? Because it's been a while since I gigged in Liverpool, to be fair, a long time. I'm very lazy.

I'm based down south and I'm very lazy about it, actually. Do you just do mainly London clubs before you go? A bit, or just like anywhere where I can, because I can drive, but I don't, because I live in a flat in London, so having a car is a fucking nightmare. So if I can get the train back, then I'll gig there more often.

Whereas the second you get past Birmingham in this country, they just go, you don't want to go home. You want to stay in a B&b run by a murderer yeah yeah you must stay in congleton yeah three days yeah so i've i've done like a few gigs everywhere but there's not many places that far that i do regularly i went through a real phase of doing the northeast a lot yeah i do that every now and then you go through a phase don't you yeah yeah like you just seem to constantly think it was scotland recently yeah we've been in scotland so often.

Yeah. And we're going back at the start of next month. Are we? Yeah. Where did you go in Scotland? Where was the weirdest place? Plain Castle,

just outside of Stirling for Paul Smith's stag do. And then we had a night in Stirling in one of the... Like a TARDIS of a nightclub. Like just a tiny front door and you're like, well that can fit 30 people.

And then every student from Scotland was in Wando it was a super club it was like four floors what absolutely insane in Stirling

in Stirling and Stirling was lovely yeah I actually would like to go back shout out to Stirling yes can we do a gig in that nightclub

yeah yeah we can we'll just put a club night on that's the next stage of our career as you know two DJ nights all of us I just need two more tubs of sneak and then I'm ready Yeah, we can. We'll just put a club night on. That's the next stage of our careers, you know. Wow. Two club nights. All of us.

I just need two more tubs of sneak and then I'm ready. Today, I'll be the dancer. You're going to be mixing alcohol with that soon. I can see it coming. We're going to be going out for a drink and he's going to be bringing his fucking noncy little cup and he's going to be putting vodka and gin in it. I'm just going to snort it dry.

Putting a little spoon into a fresh Guinness. What's the flavour? It's blue flavour. What? Pate or batty? Battery. Oh, that's a fucking... Chewing gum.

Thank you. That smells like the fucking... Hashtag not odd. What's that chewing gum that comes in a big spiral? Can I just have my vice? Can I just have my vice? Can I just have my vice? A rape crush? Just let me have my fucking vice.

What's your vice? What's my vice? Until recently, overeating. Oh, really? Love to overeat. Love to feel painfully full. Big fan. Because then you just rest.

You just rest like a big snake. Yeah, the pandemic was a motherfucker for that wasn't it when you're like no one has to see me great three and a half stone put on three and a half stone

oh biscuit tints nice uh huh I would rather have one really big meal yeah

than like two a hundred percent absolutely yeah at the end of the day as well three times a day yeah I would have got

one really big meal I'd rather wait I'd rather skip lunch or breakfast yep and then get to tea and have a start of main and dessert

like a big snake yes Adam won't feed again for seven days he fucking will hours maybe I like to feel the fullness is what I you know i don't some people they get fat because they eat purely for taste so it's like they don't eat much but what they do eat is like very like

melted butter and cheese and like decadent which is also great yes but i as long as i can overeat it's just that i just need to eat too much of something that's not gonna fucking kill me yeah but i like to eat too much you're saying too much healthy stuff i still get some satisfaction from it as long as it's too much that's my key requirement if you can feel full of salad you are eating a lot of salad you gotta get creative you gotta put a shift in but it can be done she's a whole like lettuce yeah like a massive apple and the and the middle of it as well yeah

something wrong with this apple flavorless shank keep going keep going eat the pips you pussy is that your advice to energy drinks it is now isn't it

yeah hasn't always been it's a better one yeah yeah a little bit uppers I think uppers is my advice things that make me

feel like i'm doing the limitless shit i'm a coffee lunatic as well to be fair i'm coffee beer and eating shite yeah i've got three i've managed to cut the beer out because i i've used my own laziness you know how i can judo you use the your opponent's weight or power against them yeah i am so lazy that i've judoed that against myself. And if I don't have beer or shit food in the flat, I won't even go get it. Even if I really want it. Because that would involve doing something.

And I'm really fucking lazy. See, you're putting a little roadblock up. Absolutely. Make life filled with obstacles that lead down bad roads. Put a little block up. So, you know like your family tree yeah you know like trees sometimes will bear fruit well my family tree has got like vodka bottles on it right just riddled with alcohol it's a cider tree so i don't really

drink at home unless i've got company yeah like like specific you were having a night in and having a drink and whatever yeah i just won't drink in the house yeah because i it's just a slope but you can have you've got a phenomenal little bar haven't you yeah yeah but like a lot right a lot of those like bottles have been opened i'd one drink poured out of them and i've sat there for like 18 months it's not a collection that uh but also i think if it's fancier it's harder to to break right because you go well this is a fancy bar and i'm it's nothing fancy's happening yeah it's just like eight tins in the fridge you can have those whenever you want i do i've i've constantly got two six packs in the fridge just in case i made tens up after the gig and it's like you're a stronger man than me my beer fridge looks fucking great never i'm not bothered

but i've got mates who do drugs and they're like, oh yeah, we got halfway through that bag and I just threw it in a drawer. It makes no sense to me. Yeah, that's crazy. I could not have that in my, that's because in my head I'd be like. It's like those people who eat like two biscuits out of a packet per day for like months. Oh yeah, it's got half gone.

Insane. People who wrap, Chris wrappers up because you haven't finished them yet. Oh, I'll eat them later. I ate an entire bag of crispy M&Ms last night because I looked at the pack and I went 173 calories and I literally drank them to a third of the bag. Oh, that's serving bullshit.

Every serving of Domino's pizza, you go, what does this say? A cubic inch. The amount that would come out if you stabbed it with a pole, that's the serving size shout out to the guy who messaged me on instagram at two minutes to three on saturday night going into sunday morning and was obviously off his barnet on drugs and we've talked about this addiction and all of that stuff i've been honest about it went a bit weird with it got a bit of

counseling doing loads better and he was like obviously high and a bit fucking tuned in and decided he was like i'm a bit worried i messaged dan because obviously he's talked about it and then nailed the most brutal typo in the history of typos at two minutes to three in the morning went oh yeah dan love the podcast just asked for a bit of advice really because you've been so open about it and talked about your problems with it. But I just want to know because I think I've got a bit of an issue.

When did you know for a fact that you had a problem with cock? Oh, I think he meant that. No. No? Genuinely no. Because I messaged back in the morning when I was on the way to Per Bewilderwood with my family,

which is a garden, like a woods walk around. And I was like, oh, this reeks of like, I'm high on my own. And then I messaged back going, mate, what an absolutely corking typo. And then it got seen and then he deleted it. He sent you a picture back no i think he was like oh man he had the horrors i think what yeah i think when you've i think when you no one's that funny at two to three no that's why i think it's real yeah two minutes to three

no one's like i've thought of a really good in my head i'll never have a drinking problem as long as i'm always in a building i don't live in with people i don't live with yeah that's my attitude that's a good rule yeah that's a good rule yeah yeah yeah but you're very firm with stuff carl you're not like no i'm not like me and him have got the same bugs that are different like they're like it's the same a lot of comedians are like this like the most ordered person ever but apps like my house is always tidy got it really well like you go around and it's like like i've got like i get stuff i i eat like a fucking stupid child yeah like i got i've got that bit of my life sorted all my finances sorted really grown up you look at what i eat happily eat chicken nuggets and smiley faces at

41 years old and be like, I don't know what's going on. Put on the tits on here, lad. I'm in a healthy phase at the moment, but during lockdown, I ate like I was going to prison. Like last night? Yeah, yeah.

Every day was the day before I was going to go to prison for a long time. Eat like no one's watching. No one was. No. No one was. No. No one was. That was the whole problem. That was the whole problem.

Were you on the lockdown on your own on your tour? No, but my flatmate was still going into work, who I lived with at the time. So I had just this day of like, I got good at cooking. Nothingness. Yeah. I got good at cooking though,

but like in a bad, in like a, too nice. Yeah. Yeah. Big portions. Big portions of Michelin star. I got good at cooking though but like in a bad in like a too nice yeah big portions big portions of Michelin star level food that's normally like

a fucking coaster you'd have a Michelin star roast dinners yeah exactly yeah mounded on I don't know how I got fed I just ate

300 scallops the guy from Ocado doing the delivery going lads come on come on it's only so big the truck

I was told you were a restaurant that's what I I thought this was a catering one me yeah

before we go into a little break I just want to briefly touch on you've got your own podcast that you do yeah you do it once a week

with Phil Wang who's another phenomenal comic that we'll do our best to get on the couch at some point and check his special out Philly Philly Wang Wang on Netflix but you do a what?

is that the name of his special? because if it's not it feels like you made up a racist term you know Philly Philly Wang Wang or whatever it's called but you do a podcast every week called Bud Pod. That's right, yeah. Once a week.

Because you're buds. We're buds. And we have a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Occasionally get a tweet supposed to be directed at something to do with weed. Every now and then. Early days, that was an issue.

Yeah. It's not really, it's not very formatted because we're too lazy uh-huh so but it's a podcast it's a podcast two fun guys and again dan just before we go into the break could you just show all our listeners the the new picture you got sent yes oh beautiful do you know what i'd actually say um because every genuinely could i just have this a sec whenever we get sent a a portrait in i i don't really care for them to be honest with you but it makes his day that's right so the more of you that if you we've got quite a lot of years who like uh you know a little scribble and a drawing stuff just keep sending in drawings of dan because

honestly when he opens them and sees them you never see him as happy. It's like he's had 10 sneaks when he opens one of these pictures. I think it's quite good. It's fucking brilliant. Someone done one of me, didn't he? That's really good. It's on the wall. It is absolutely brilliant. It is definitely good.

Someone done one of me. And to be fair to you, Dan, they've drawn it as if you've lost some ways as well. Look at mine. This last one wasn't too good, though. That's meant to be me. No, that one could do with some work that's meant to be me no that that one could do with some work i'm not even wearing glasses on that that's meant to be me someone

sent that in saying this is the car done that's chris akabusi oh yeah yeah oh yeah it is oh it's a print it's a printout oh i thought it was a joy i thought it was a joy and then why is chris akabusi on the wall? Because the other day, while Stig was trying to print out contracts, like really important contracts that needed immediately signing when me and Dan were in a rush to leave, you blocked the printer

with a full-colour drawing of Chris Akabusi. Stig went, like, if the ink runs out, you're going to buy more. And that took about 15 minutes to print. The printer was screaming. Who's that? What?

Who's that? You? Yeah, it's me. That's Wyatt. He's absolutely off his box, you know. You're genuinely not having any more of that today. You've got a picture of the weird little assassin from Pink Panther.

One of the guests come in and said that that looks like me. That's Adam's first press shot. Available for parties, proms, and this is my current one. Thank you. Thank you for buying tickets for Stockton sold out Stockton upon tease I've got a tour that needs

a little shift I'm about half way to sold out in Middlesbrough second date Middlesbrough because we've done Stockton so if you're in Middlesbrough you know

come and see that let's have a break because it's getting it's getting off the rails it's really silly press the button hey guys hope you enjoyed today's episode we want to tell you about one of our sponsors Let's have a break because it's getting off the rails. It's really silly. Press the button. Hey, guys.

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you could call this a coffee pod. And we are back. Part four of four of the Halfway Podcast. We're still here with Pierre Noveli. That's right. Yes. He has some some uh oh you say correspondents correspond oh that's japanese yes lids how are we love the pod you guys got me through basic training with the banter basic training ah basic training it's a soldier

i mean if it's not he's really talking up whatever other job he does he's mudgerheading yes yeah he's been in a camp south afghanistan you know oh shit yeah yeah yeah um he says just wanted to ask a quick question if you could only do one for the rest of your gigs which would it be opening middle or closing, or closing? Love you guys. That's from George Wellspring, who is trained, basically. Oh, yeah. So, he's talking about club gigs

just forever. We just did the same thing. I mean, what you want to do forever is tour, probably. But, I mean, if you're on the old circuited circs, which we are,

which we still love doing. If they're all the same fee, then put me in the middle. Would you? Yeah. Would you? Do you know, this feels like something we've done before. We've probably touched on it. But I was like, I can't.

In my head, I'm like, I thought you'd want to roll your back to it and close. No, I'd rather go in the middle and ruin the headliner's evening. I like opening. I just feel like you get the canvas at its blankest. That's true. I like opening for new material. Yeah. You get to go home sooner. Yeah.

Always a bonus on the circuit. I love home. It's where all my things are. Are you one of the weird cunts that actually enjoyed a Zoom gig then? Well, I didn't necessarily enjoy the process. Some gigs on Zoom were good and some weren't but you like being at home i shut my laptop and i was already in my house yeah in my flat wow it's like teleporting i was at a gig and now i'm here on

my couch yeah i i did uh very very few of them i didn't do any club zoom gigs i did a few corporates yeah and doing a corporate gig in my undies with no socks on, with just a shirt and a... Yeah. It was just fucking brilliant. This stuff is delicious, by the way. I did a Zoom gig in Australia. As in the gig was nominally happening in Australia.

But that meant I did a paid gig. And I was done by, like, lunch. Yeah. And already home. It was so bastardized. It was of its time. But I just... I don't know. I like being at home, but not enough to forego live audiences.

No, not forever. Not forever. Closing, I think everyone thinks closing is the best, and it usually is a necessity because when you're on your way up, you want the most money. And then if that isn't a factor, I'd rather not go on last when some bellenderers overrun by 15 minutes showboating shite in the middle okay then so it's 150 to open 150 to middle 220 to close why are you picking that well for 20 years i'd have picked closing but why about now because 70 yeah now i'm open now i'm opening

but for ages if you're trying to maximize your earnings you also want to close because you can open somewhere else so where you go genuinely where would you pick on the slot everything's same money same money

same length of time yeah so it's like one of those ones where it's like 20-20-20 ugly yeah

I might go opening I like the blank canvas thing is true it depends yeah I don't know do you know

I think there's a distinction between midweek, midweek. I'll probably close on a weekend when they're getting more, maybe take an open gigs on a Saturday night. Closing is, is a fucking nightmare. Cause by then the, the vampires are out.

Yeah. The werewolves are out. So maybe opening then. Yeah. That's a good point. When you're trying to prove your worth, when you're on your way up, you're desperate to headline all of us have done enough to be like yeah i don't give a fuck what you think match of the day is on soon

highlights loving the pod as always december and the arena show cannot come quick enough i'm buzzing for it my question to you is if you could ask one person, any person, you ask them one question, then they have to tell the complete truth with their answer. Who would it be? And what would your question be? Good question. All the best from Becky.

You do us a favour. Could you read all of that again? Because I was looking at you and not listening. That should be the name of this pod. That's for next time. If you ever just need to look at it if you could ask one person one question and they have to answer truthfully who would you ask and what would you

ask them so only one person and one question right yeah and I'm guessing that's anybody from history yeah I suppose so yeah yeah yeah I mean it would make for an interesting question I'd ask the mother Mary whether she's actually Jesus Don Joseph

or whether it was actually the Son of God. That's good. And then I'd know for sure whether God's real. That's a good answer. You'd know for sure that that God was real? That's all that matters, though, isn't it? Really? Because what other one would you pick if it wasn't,

if you were religious? What do you mean? I'm not trying to be religious. I'm just trying to get some answers. He's going way, way back. If you only cut one religion off? He's I'm not trying to be religious. I'm just trying to get some answers. He's going way, way back. He'd be only cutting one religion off. He's like, yeah, to be honest, Adam. If one religion is real and there's one God,

then the rest could potentially be real in the world I live in at the minute, which is largely atheist with a slight creak of open-mindedness. I just want to know for sure. Open-minded creak. You're asking a fictional woman whether a fictional man was real you're getting

the mother mary oh she was definitely real wasn't she a woman called mary yeah well the guy wasn't fictional i know he was real yeah yeah so what i think it's a good answer carl seems in a really bad mood about early christianity doesn't he fuck off yeah that's fucking because even because even if you like you're only knocking out one But it's the one that you had the most exposure to And it's more than none Exactly And if I know God's real then I'll change my ways

Yeah For good Jesus on Is it bullshit though Because he doesn't know for sure does he That it's Whether he's the son of God He hasn't got a clue really Is it bullshit though? Because he doesn't know for sure, does he? It's what? Whether he's the son of God.

He hasn't got a clue really. He was born and Mary was like, God's your dad. And he was like, nice one. And then he lived his life that way. The only person who knows is Mary. Good point. I go OJ. And you'd say, what was it like To score all those touchdowns

That was your first question You won the Heisman That's your one question To OJ You'd build it up You'd sell tickets In Wembley To come watch me

Come watch me Ask OJ He has to answer That's the deal What was it like To get the Heisman trophy You alright You comfy

No that's not the answer Oh come on Ding How was your journey Yeah Fuck Yeah You alright? You comfy? No that's not the answer Oh come on Ding How was your journey? Yeah Fuck Yeah OJ

I mean he'd have to be like Yeah come on Who are you going for? Barrymore Michael Barrymore I want to see what happened At the party Oh

Right Interesting Someone got aqua bummed Is that the term? Nah I'd probably ask Bush George Bush yeah what happened

to Michael Barney most parts of it he knows oh I did see that one coming. What about Madeleine McCann's mum and dad? What happened at Michael Barrymore's party? I don't know, it was in Portugal.

Masterfully done. Yeah, you asked it. Well, no matter who it is, I think we all know what I want to get to the bottom. Who's my real dad? Michael Barrymore. Oh, good question. Would you rather from-

Carl literally making himself a clip. Yeah, brilliant. Started grumpy about Jesus, but fucking ended on a Barrymore high. Would you rather Liam O'Sullivan says, Wagwan lids, love the podcast. Barrymore high. Would you rather, Liam O'Sullivan says, wagwan lids, love the podcast. Barrymore high! You go swimming every day.

It's got Catholic written all over it. Would you rather, do swimming lessons, would you rather eat the food, oh you just did that, would you rather eat the... Oh, you just did that. Would you rather eat the food you absolutely cannot stand once a month or have your best mate slip a finger in your ass

and keep it there for 10 seconds once a year? No eye contact made. Thanks for that, little Adon. Liam, you fucking psycho. I'm going to have tuna once a month or eat fingers me every February. You going for a February finger in? I'd wait till the warm up month. No, I'm not fingering his sweaty arse.

Yeah, that's true. No, because if you're going to get fingered, you might as well make him suffer it as well. No, because I don't know whether he's done to, he hasn't done anything wrong. He's just some weird witch doctor

who's cursed us. Yeah, true. It is Adam. It is Liam O'Sullivan, the witch doctor. Yes. It's a the witch doctor. Yes. It's a real witch doctor's name. Imagine if you went all the way

into like the depths of some uncharted territory to find a sort of witch doctor, medicine man, whatever. And he'd say, hi, I'm Liam O'Sullivan. You'd be like, I'm going home.

I'm going home. I'm not trusting this. I wanted a better fucking name than that. I'm out here in the outback. I went to school with your brother. I really don't like tuna, so I'm really sorry for you. Do you really dislike it? Honestly.

Grilled tuna or like a tin tuna? Oh, straight out of the brine. Do you like grilled tuna? If you open a tin of tuna in a room that I'm in, I need to go and like... Do you like grilled tuna? No, I don't like any tuna room that I'm in. It makes, I need to go and like... Do you like grilled tuna? No, I don't like any tuna and I love seafood. No, but it's,

if you're doing the wood, it's the worst of the foods, isn't it? No, I'm asking what his opinion is on all tuna. Oh, Carl, you're fingering my arse every time over tuna. I know we're not best mates, but I would make friends with you more. I'd spend... Is yours tuna? more. It's been a dry.

Is yours tuna? Oh, it's well up there. From the tin? I don't mind that's baked beans. Oh, you want to them? He's one of them. Baked beans. I would rather have finger in bum 10 seconds once a year.

Beans on toast is so nice. No. Have you ever had it? Yeah. And you just didn't like it? I think I just thought it was the worst thing I've ever had in my life. Who's your best mate? Is it Phil Wang?

Is he sticking his little finger in your bum? He's in the firing line for some bum fingering, certainly. He's in the top three, easily. Yeah. Top three, top five. It'd be a great patron exclusive, though, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah. Phil Wang fingers you rather than eat baked beans.

For 10 seconds. I'm signing up to your Patreon. While I do this to some beans nearby. You've never had cheesy beans on toast i don't it's like it's like asking him if he said tuna on a fucking jack of potato this it doesn't matter the serving what's your what's your food that's like your trip tonight there's none really i don't like a really like um undercooked steak when it's chewy it knocks me sick you don't like raw beef is that what you're saying no John people

obviously you've got well done and stuff if people get it like too rare blue and it's chewy fucking mootin and you can't like

get it down because you're chewing it that much yeah it's audible probably I know that's not a type of food because I like steak but that

that makes you feel icky is that it so my favourite way to have a steak is medium rare yeah same I order it medium but more to the medium side because That makes you feel icky. Is that it? So my favourite way to have a steak is medium rare. Yeah, same.

I order it medium. But more to the medium side. Because I'd rather... Because if I order medium rare and it comes rare, I can't eat it. So it has to go... But that can be... You can be sorted, can't you? You can put it back on, yeah,

but you don't want to ask, do you? I've never eaten an egg, and I don't intend to ever start. Hold on. What? Hold on. What the fuck are you talking about? Fuck off.

I'm fussy, aren't I? You've never eaten an egg. I don't trust egg. Why? What? It smells dead eggy. They're absolutely delicious. That is true.

Cool. Well, I don't trust them. Honestly, that's genuinely bent my head. You've never eaten any fish. I've never eaten an egg. I've never eaten fish. That's more acceptable, because it's like,

but eggs are everywhere. Yeah, I can't move. You've had things with egg in?'ve never eaten fish That's more acceptable Because it's like But eggs are everywhere Yeah I can't move You've had things with egg in Yeah But you've had a cake Oh yeah I mean if you hide egg in cake I'm in

Yeah okay And I'll have scrambled cake You're not having an egg Buzzy next time we stay in a hotel I hundred We're not I'll fight you Have you never had the poached egg

I'll finger my own ass In front of you To stop that happening And ruin everyone's getaway. Egg is such a staple scum. Yeah, I don't know. Just because you look like flabbergasted, it's not going to go,

I go, oh shit, yeah, I've eaten egg. Sorry, guys. No, I've never eaten egg. Stop looking at a picture of me. That was so weird. You gave me? Adam went, oh, that's weird. Oh, look at

what food haven't you eaten that's unbelievable Adam because in this picture you still ate eggs in my head yeah so this is an egg eaten person

yeah this is weird isn't it hang on so what is it about eggs that is so bad because I've I've had to eat baked beans in my life

and that's one of the reasons why I hate them so much yeah I taught them with you. Yeah, yeah. I taught them with you, but I've never... Yeah, so you've never even tried them? No, I was a psycho little kid who was really fussy. Right, right, right. And there were certain things that were just undoable.

What is it about the egg? The smells of egg. The smells of egg, that's fair. Sulfurous smell, yeah. I tell you, when they look quite good... Yeah? You know when it's coming out of the and it's

what's that fried egg oh yeah I can eat that white you're like a four year old how of course is that fried egg hang on

this is our law but wait hold on you said you could eat maybe the white bit I could try the white bit that's the eggiest bit I'm not going near that the yellow's the eggiest bit

the yolk's the gold I mean I'm going the white bit. That's the eggiest bit. I'm not going near that. The yellow's the eggiest bit. The yolk's the gold. Checkmate. I'm going to give him a mouthful of sulphur. You know when people put an egg on a pizza, you might as well shit on a pizza. Yeah, I'll be honest with you. I agree with that. It's weird.

It doesn't taste bad, but it is weird. There's no reason to put an egg on a pizza. Apart from if you're being a hipster pizza place. So have you ever had a full English? What minus the egg? Do you ever get a breakfast? Can I tell you what I eat

on a full English? This is going to really upset you. Is bacon part of a full English? Yeah. I eat the bacon from a full English on two pieces of bread that are toasted

with some tomato ketchup. That's my full English. You have a bacon, Bussie? Yes. That's your full English. Sa have a bacon, bossy? Yes. That's your full English. Sausages? No, I don't like sausages. I mean, now, sausages, I don't...

I've had sausages today. Oh, Matt. I've had egg this week. I have. I had it yesterday. I've had it. I've had it. I've had it.

I've had a bunch. And that's it That's it Sausages I'm not dead against Can don't Can don't I don't want to But I can

Right so Black pudding What is that? Period Pig period Oh Let me check No

I don't need that That's pig's blood You sure? Yeah And I know for a fact it is Because of the movie the 51st state when samuel l jackson visits liverpool not if it doesn't exist in a movie it doesn't exist can i just say i often think i dreamt that film

drunken jog was said in that script outside of my own mind that anyone has referenced oh yeah it's pork or beef so it's either cow or well in in the 51st state the one that they give to samuel l jackson yeah because he goes around to robber carlisle's mars for his brekkie he does right and he goes what's that she goes black pudding do you know why the why and he goes what's black pudding she goes fried pig's blood and he shoves the whole place away like not eating anything that's been within a fucking six inch radius of it. Do you know why it exists? She's sensible. Why?

Because she didn't want to kill the animals. She wanted a potato farm until he drained the blood and made the food of it instead. Oh, do you know when you explain it like that, you're like, oh, Dan's the weird one. Why wouldn't you taste on,

it looks like volcano evil. I'm not into black pudding. It does look like volcano evil, to be fair. be fair it's horrible do you like that film because i think it's a horrific film that i adore yeah he's got one i watched it the way that i would watch footage of some unspeakable act well i can't turn it off i sort of watched it i watched it like this like when you see a documentary about like a commune somewhere

where everyone's married to each other and you go, wow. And Samuel L. Jackson's in this. And he's playing golf, kind of. What? Do you know what the best thing about it is? Definitely. There's a tiny cinema near where me and Carl grew up called the Showcase Cinema.

And it's on an industrial estate just off a dual carriageway a road and that is where they had the premiere so samuel l jackson wow was at the machis on the length of showcase how did it happen was the question i asked myself throughout the whole film how did this happen and am i asleep doesn't he love black dreaming this samuel jackson loves black pearl doesn't probably because of that film he's a live pill fan isn't he because of that film but he loves i think if you watch that as an adult you wouldn't love it because you're very anti is it a good i have watched it as an adult no i mean did you not watch it as a kid when you first watched it yeah but i've watched it since no no but i don't mean that because you're quite hard line on what scouse and what's not as the first section you weren't here for pierre proves

yeah i think if you i don't know i think you've got a nostalgia that makes you like that surely that's not proper scouse but it's not like an anti-scouse thing is it not is it not mingling is it not brown bin central no no and robert carlisle's scouse accent is fucking excellent he's very good and he did it not only in the film but he also did it in an episode of cracker where he played a scouse terrorist l-i-v-e-r-p-double-o-l-liverpool-fc that has never been sung ever has it yeah l-i-v-e-r-p-double-o-l-liverpool-fc is that a real one yeah it's not a very popular one because there's many liverpool chance of songs yeah choose from yeah i it's not a very popular one because there's many Liverpool chants

a wide selection of songs to choose from I thought that was a made up one what was the terrorism was he sitting

on people's laps I'd have to be corrected if I'm wrong I believe he was bombing journalists

in response to the Hillswood disaster I think that was the episode of Cracker I think he was like sending of Cracker. Oh, right. I think he was, like, sending threats and stuff to, like, the newspaper's headquarters.

Oh. Very popular episode in Liverpool. It's a phenomenal episode. Scouse Terror is such a brass-eye headline. Isn't Cracker Hagner? Scouse Terror. Cracker's Hagner, isn't he? Yeah.

Cracker's a fucking unbelievable program, and that episode is,rid, isn't he? Yeah. Kracher's fucking unbelievable program, and that episode is my favorite one of them. How did that movie... I know Samuel L. Jackson does some crazy films, right? But he still needs to be paid. I want to see the meat. Obviously, some guy who runs a hedge fund was just like... It's a ridiculous film with a ridiculous cast.

It's Samuel L. Jackson, Ricky Tomlinson, Robert Carlyle, meatloaf. fund was just like it's a ridiculous film with a ridiculous cast it's samuel l jackson ricky tomlinson yeah robert carlisle meatloaf oh yeah what the fuck i could see why it was an anfield does the meatloaf blow up in anfield yeah spoilers sorry sorry ah great lads i've been i've rented that kept it since 1997. You fucked me. I'm Julius invaded. Samuel L. Jackson has been doing an impression of himself since 1996, hasn't he? Basically.

I'd do impressions of myself for that money. Yeah, but he's not, has he done a single role that is like proper acting? Django. Yeah, Django's good. Oh, you're right. He's great in Django. Incredible. What does he say? What is the kind of... Oh, you're right. He's great in Jango. Incredible.

What does he say? What is the kind of... Oh, there's a line in it that I can't say. What about the one... Carl, I reckon you want to say it. What about the one where there's the woman chained to the radiator? Some drama. Pokemon 2.

Yeah, it's Pokemon 2. It's Pikachu's handcuffed. Pikachu's nan. Chained to a radiator. Pikachu's nan. Pikachu's nan. Chained to a radiator. Pikachu's nan. Pikachu's nan. She's chained to a radiator and Ash has to try and electrocute her off the radiator.

Polka nan. Himself? Can't even use Pikachu? No, Pikachu's on a business trip. It's a very confusing film if you're not Japanese. I've just put chewing gum in on the podcast. Why? Take that out.

My head's gone. Yeah. Can we do some advice? He's dead good at giving advice. Okay, yeah, yeah. The fucking Oracle. Stop looking at a drawing of me.

It's upsetting. Look at me. Look at me. It's like you've passed away. You like eggs, don't you, Dan? I love eggs. It's a lie.

Have you ever eaten a pear, Dan? I love fruit. All fruit? Yeah. He's a little bug You've never eaten a pear, though? I love fruit. All fruit? Yeah. Fruity little bugger, isn't he? Far from the kumquat. Fair enough. I've never eaten a...

I don't know. But yeah, I love fruit. I'm not that bad. I am that bad. You've never eaten an egg? Adam, if you don't stop looking at a picture of me... Come on. Come on, bro.

Say it. Pow. Right, this is from anonymous yep i don't want to damage it because someone has drawn that and spent a lot of time on it and i really appreciate it but the way you're using it makes me want to bash it out of your hand i did think for a second earlier when adam said can i just have a look at that for a second and took it i thought he's gonna rip it if he just scrumpled it up and ate it i would laugh till i threw up ideally but even just scrambling it up would have really made me laugh just to just destroy this nice thing for no reason it's giving me a bit of your eye though why why i've done nothing to you in the last five minutes um this is because we talked about eggs, isn't it?

You wankers. All right, lids, I need some advice. This is an advice section, Peter. Take it fucking seriously. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and my girlfriend have moved into our house, new house this year. Our neighbors are all families and elderly,

but the kids that play on our street keep using our front lawn as a playground. I know this as my ring doorbell picks it up when I'm out. I've asked them nicely not to do that, but they keep doing it. I don't want to go out and call them all cunts and be that moody bastard on the street. I need advice as to how to stop them from continuing. Excited to see you two at Stockton this year.

Middlesbrough, try Middlesbrough. All the best. So we've got some kids playing on his front lawn. So my advice here, and this is as a man who has never had this problem before and who now lives in a flat in the city and won't have this problem for a long time at least, stop being a tit and just let the kids play in your garden.

All landmines. I will say something to watch out for. I've read a lot of comic books. Yeah. One thing I will say is any of those kids ever has a slingshot in their back pocket and a whimsical dog. Just don't fuck with them. Yeah.

Leave that kid alone. Yeah. Cause from what i've read that relationship can escalate i don't want to name names you're gonna love with egg on your face or tomato a spoon of a spoon of mash he's i that's an isle of man raised kid in it when i was a kid yeah yeah and i had a poem featured in it did you limerick yes filthy dennis the medicine i had a brother called jack he once got stuck in a sack he left out a

shout because he couldn't get out and he now he's got a bad back that's pretty how old and you were 28 years old and the publishers read this first or just put it in without all i'm telling you mates is that i am a published poet yeah the publishers read it first he just put it in without all i'm telling you mates is that i am a published poet yeah the publishers read it first he's the first person to write in for 28 years they're like 1970 a lot of competition to get in at the time oh yeah yeah yeah yeah if any if any of those kids are locally known as any kind of menace yeah or minx don't fuck with them dennis the minx no there's minnie the minx oh shit yeah yes's Minnie the Minx. Minnie the Minx. Oh, shit, yeah. Yes, hey. You philistine.

Who was Desperate Dan? Was he the Dando? Dandy? That was the Dandy, yeah. The Dando. It was the Jill. Was he in the Jill? I was more into Jill Dando than the Beano.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you a Beano man or a Jill Dando man? The Jill Dando comics got dark towards the end. Ended abruptly. What are these references? They were messing around on a doorstep. What? Jill Danda was messing around on a doorstep and that ended badly.

Yeah, maybe she shooed someone off her front lawn. Yeah. Oh, gee, gee. So hang on, what is this guy saying about his doorbell? His doorbell keeps ticking. Just get your knob out and blow kisses. Just do it once. Okay, everyone thinks you're a paedophile.

Tell your neighbours that the kids keep coming up on his doorbell camera, but say it like you're delighted. Yes, there you go. Hey, your little Johnny been playing on my front lawn. Ask him to do it more. And I got all the video tapes. I put the sprinkler on. Tell him to come round

in his little shout shouts. Should I have an athletic... Toxic, the video. Should I have an athletic family? Oh. Yeah. A lot of energy, those boys of yours.

Things like that. Yeah, yeah. All of those children playing, sweating. You might get a vigilante trying to kill you, but... He doesn't need to go and let kids have fun.

Is it open plan on the front? Yeah, that's my question. Because if there's a gate and they're coming in, they're little animals and they need binning. Oh, they're going in his front garden. They're on his front lawn. But are we assuming it's open plan and then you're... I thought it was like a green.

What are they doing on the lawn? Playing football. He said football. No, they're doing kid-like things. Yeah, but if they're getting divots out of the lawn. They're not playing golf. They could be excavating. If they're playing nine holes of golf.

They're not landscape gardeners. No teeing up. Kids jumping and tackling each other. It could be tidying. Elbow in the lawn, you know, like a dent. Stop digging trenches. Yeah, I think it's just about footing. If they've gone into his property past the wall, then yeah.

Oh, now it's serious, is it? Just leave them in the garden. They're not doing any harm. They're just trying to have fun. What if they do a slide? He'd be fucking fuming. They do a slide and it fucks the big lad. It looks like you've...

Then have a fucking bit of shit bit of your grass. Just leave it. It doesn't matter. We'll all be dead soon. What are you playing? He's in a very philosophical mind, isn't he? Bit of advice, Adam. Doesn't matter. We'll all be dead soon. What are you playing? He's in a very philosophical mind, isn't he? Bit of advice, Adam. Doesn't matter.

We're all dust. There's a war going on in Ukraine. What are you going to put your garden for? I'm sick of hearing about Ukraine. You need to really get over it. You're always on about it. You know what I mean? There's people with real problems out there.

There's a war going on. There's poverty across many countries all around the world at the minute. The UK is not in a great position. Shut up, you blurt. In fact, you've got a house. Wag wag lids anonymous please recently recently

they lay eggs horrible cunts recently me and my girlfriend have been in a threesome with another girl on a night out it was class

but not too much went on and I thought I thought there'd be more happening however fast forward a few days and the two girls are in touch, and we're all discussing a potential second threesome. But this time, we are talking a lot more intense.

So much so, they are both talking about spitting my spunk back into my own mouth. Blair's. Is that Steve back? Right, Steve. And I don't think I can do this anymore. Do I take the hit? It's so weird. I can't do this anymore

literally it was like as soon as I said spitting spunk back into my own mouth Steve was like what back in from studio 2

do I take the hit for the story and the threesome or protect myself from the potential embarrassment that's from unsurprisingly

anonymous do it all what does he don't be a prude do anything they want you to do. I'm a calf. I don't want you looking at me for sports. What does he mean by in the first threesome,

not that much went on? What happened was two women had a lovely time with each other and explored female sexuality. And he had a good old watch, didn't he? I think he bonked one, bonked the other, and then was like, that's a threesome. Now they're talking about, fuck it. They're getting fluid

yeah yeah they are yeah they want to spit his his blurt yeah

back into his mouth after a bit of blurt tennis bit of fucking blurt ping pong nothing's off the table if you're doing a threesome just fucking do it don't be like oh don't do that

that's so that's uh right so eat your own jizz Carl destroy the mood don't do that. That's so, ugh. That ruins the mood. Eat your own jizz, Karl. Destroy the mood, don't do that. No, you do everything and then afterwards you go, I don't like that. No, but here's the thing.

You've already come. Why would you be like, yeah, I don't want to ruin the mood. Here's, that's it. I put the fucking match on once I've jizzed. That's exactly. Just watched Match of the Day with two lesbians. I don't give a shit.

That's exactly the point is, while, if I was in this situation and these were like, I want you to come in our mouths and we'll pass it back and forth and spit it in your throats, I'd be like, absolutely, let's do it. And the second the first bit had come out my dick, I'd be like, we're not doing any of that. What if they haven't got theirs yet? It was a photo finish, a millimetre.

You could take a photo of me coming and you would see regret like in what I'd agreed to. You'd also see me on the Uber app going, Becky, you ready? Got your bag?

Out you fucking go. So we slowed down footage of your face. It would sort of be ecstasy and then straight to just... Cheers and no. Spit your cheers and no. Just do everything

and then I just go, I didn't like that. And then the next time, don't do it. So you're telling me on the record, sorry, you're telling me I've got to just get this locked in. Go on. On the record, on video. Go on. If you were in this situation with Seneca and another girl,

you would let them spit your own jizz into your mouth. What I'm saying is, if I was... That's how the mummy bird feeds the chicks. Baby bird. Fantastic. jizz into your mouth what i'm saying is if i was if i left out the mummy bear feeds the chicks baby bird fantastic fantastic you tell me you'd say yes uh that was a lovely reference uh yeah if you if you if you're okay with doing it then you can't go i don't want to do that bit you do it all and then later on you go, I wasn't into that. So you're saying yes. What's going on? Having a threesome does not involve eating your own jizz.

This is a made up threesome. No, no, no. I would honestly, before I've come, I would eat my jizz. So you're not doing the threesome? Literally eggs, fucking full English breakfast,

baked beans. But once you've jizzed. Then you're not doing the threesome because they asked for it before the threesome happened. That's true. If you're in the threesome and you don't want to do it,

you say no. If you don't go into the threesome, you don't go into the threesome because they asked for it before the threesome happened that's true if you're in the threesome and you don't want to do it you say no if you don't go into the threesome no one knows you don't go into the threesome and go can we kill a fucking baby right now oh sorry

sorry you're in the threesome you've got to sacrifice a fucking child because it was agreed in subsection 9 of the pre-threesome once you've jizzed you don't have to

eat your own jizz call no you don't what the fuck happened in the Maldives you weirdo if you've gone into the threesome and said yeah we'll explore all that you can't go no actually your own Jizz call. What the fuck happened in the Maldives, you weirdo? If you've gone into the threesome and said, yeah, we'll explore all that, you can't go, no, actually, you gotta man up.

I'm sorry, did you say? Yeah, that's got a point. The difference is, you're viewing the threesome as like that's your chance to do all this forbidden stuff, right? If you, before I'm gone, we'll try this, then you've gotta do it, yeah? If you've already agreed, you mean?

Yes. Okay, but that's why he's getting the chance now to say no early, this guy. That's what he's saying, right? Exactly. Oral contract, very nice. And in a way, it is a bit like, it's not like killing a baby, but it's half.

But if they say, right, we want to do this, we want this to happen, and he goes, no, then the threesome doesn't happen. Probably not going to happen. But if he goes, no, and they go, okay, they can't then ask him to do it. He's risking it. Yeah, you're right. If he says no, he, then the threesome doesn't happen. Probably not gonna happen. But if he goes, no, and they go, okay, they can't then ask him to do it. He's risking it. Yeah, you're right.

If he says no, he's risking the whole project. Yeah. That's what you should do. Agree to it. And then as you come, just start humming. And then they won't be able to get in. Well, what if they pinch your nose? Just put a mask on.

Just come out the window. Start humming Your missus' least favourite song Like a song she hates And that'll tear an ear off And she won't want to do it anymore She'll say to the lady who's the guest She'll say oh he's humming now

He never eats cum when he hums Oh he's humming now That's never been said Oh he won't eat cum when he hums I can't get over coffee. But you don't eat egg.

I mean, I'm eating my own jizz in a threesome. No. Because it's been promised. No. It's been promised.

Pre-threesome. You agreed. And I tell you what, I don't like eating my own blurt, but I will respect the rules of a pre-agreed threesome. Dan, I would say,

no, I don't want to do that. But if they said, let's not do it, then I'd be like, okay, we're not doing it. How freaky do these bitches have to be to be like, girls off then. Good night. I will say, no, I don't want to do that. But if they said, let's not do it, then I'd be like, okay, we're not doing it. How freaky do these bitches have to be to be like, deal's off then, good night.

I will say though, when he said not much happened in the first one, I thought, oh, interesting. And then he said, oh, the second one's going to be a lot more intense. I wouldn't have put my money on that being the thing they pitched to him in advance. That is a bit of a step up from him being essentially a cheerleader in the first game.

Because he's got the pre-approval. Do you think it's a test? Do you think they're asking, do you think they're fucking with him? That's very possible, you know. What if they're just fucking with him? What can we make this guy do in exchange? What can we make him agree to? Yeah.

I think it's very possible that they're used to it in a lesbian relationship and they're just trying to fuck with this fella. And they've been planning it for years. It's the ultimate heist. It's the women. Fucking sneaky women. Adam's take, eventually.

Don't trust them. They'll make you eat your own cum, even if you hum. It's just, they're doing something. Look at them. Let's read it again. What are they,

fucking trying to get equal pay? Sneaky bastards. Dan, what if it was the two dream women, your two dream women, but you have to come up your own arse. Wow. I have a question about how that would happen.

Yeah, that's going to be fun. Pulley systems with tubes. Pulley systems. Pulley systems. Trampoline and a bit of training. But you've had that night of your life, but you've got to finish by coming up your own arse. Is there a threesome prison where you're like,

you broke the rules of a pre-agreed threesome? Can I just say that? I'd agree to everything and then jeers and be like, ah, do you know what? Not bad. Yeah, but then you're boring,

aren't you? I'd have absolutely no problem. Oh, you're right. I'm boring. God, I'll lose face in front of two lesbians. I'd have absolutely no problem. No problem coming

to my own ass, by the way. My cum would be the best thing that's ever been in my ass. I wanted to end the episode so much. I've never done it before. Without Pierre going, find me on Twitter. I just want it to be like, pow. I regularly have my own cum on my stomach. I'd be delirious with fear if it was coming to my own shit.

Yeah. That's what's usually in my ass. Yeah. If one had to be in the other place, that's the best way around. Dean's just walked in. Hey, man. Adam's saying how much he wants to come up his own ass.

No, I'm just saying I'd prefer to have come in my ass than poo. You're listening to Question Time. Dean, Dean Coghlan, can I get your opinion on this? Just quick. Can you just come on? Dean is on my side. Right, right, right, right, right. What's happening, everyone?

You're about to have a threesome, right? And your girlfriend and this bisexual lady, you've had one standard, down the line, normal. Not about to, like, minutes before. A few days. Yeah, a few days before, you've had a normal threesome. Then there's been a little bit of talking like, we need to up the ante here, make this a bit more kinky.

And part of the agreed bit is that after you jizz, the girls have got to spit your own jizz back in your mouth. What do you say? I'd probably say yeah until I jizzed. Yes! Because Dean's not a fucking weird Maldivian. Oh yeah, probably do it, yeah.

Ah! You bollocks. I'm not, I mean, I'm normal. I'm human. I'll take it off two women. Exactly. You do it to not be boring. See, there's a third way.

Because I might love it. I can't believe you. You might love it and then go, this is me forever. Imagine if you did. You're like, do you know what? When you've finished, you've chased. You'd be like, do you know what? You do your job.

This is great. You do your job. Who are you fucking? The SAS? What are you talking about? you never leave a man behind you've just you've been like you know what girls i can't give a fuck what you think i'm out you do want your girlfriend that wants this new sexual i don't give a fuck oh there you go i think you would you know i i think what i would do i'd plan to be a sneak and be like and then i'd be like i don't want it but i think i'd just take it. I just,

I just, I think I would. What I, what I love is that you just, you've just come in here and you're like the Tony Blair of having your own cum spat back in your mouth. You go, there's a third way chaps.

We can have this too. It seems like we're disagreeing, but actually we can win this with our landslides. Yeah. Look, if we just do it, job Do it but don't Necessarily like it You've ruined

Otherwise you've ruined Your trust You've ruined your trust Because they're like No more threesomes He's a liar He lied to our faces Yeah yeah

Could have had 20 years of threesomes Yeah and you'd love that They're fleeting But you know Nom nom nom Yeah Oh it's my own jizz You did it My jizz is currently In my balls Oh well They're fleeting. But you know. Yeah.

You did it. My jizz is currently in my balls. Oh, well, stick it in your mouth then. Same, same in it. Just a different storage system. It's not going to hurt me, is it? You're so dirty. My jizz is... You're sneaky dirty.

My jizz is currently in my balls. It's really funny. Great, yeah. My poo's in my bum. I keep it in my ear. Same thing. Is that shit in your ear, Carl? Doesn. My poo's in my bum. I keep it in my ear. Same thing. Is that shit in your ear, Carl?

Doesn't matter. It's my shit. It's not weird. Have you got poo in both of your ears? It does now. And so do all of you at home. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Get out, Rick. Hey, doesn't matter. Let them spit your own jizz into your mouth. There's a war in your brain. Get out, Rick. Stop being philosophical. It's weird. It doesn't matter get out Rick doesn't matter let them spit your own jizz into your mouth there's a war in Ukraine doesn't matter get out Rick stop being philosophical it's weird doesn't suit you

it's so much better when you're furious about everything doesn't matter when in the quadruple doesn't matter liar liar

pants on jizz mouth fire do what you need to do to please your we get it Carl we get it you're an absolute trooper you eat your own jizz

it's been an absolute pleasure thank you for thank you for having me so much fun pierre thank you man this is great you have got a quite brilliant stand-up special available for free on youtube thanks man i do pianovelli it's it's called the quiet ones the quiet ones quiet ones yeah so there's no the i think it's just quiet ones no i'm doubting myself i think it's just quiet pianovelli quiet ones and people can find you on social media where you've been releasing clips of it yep um the the kfc routine in particular like i love the quiet ones joe thanks the kfc one is so funny and so well observed um there's a lot of comics at the minute releasing their own full specials on youtube and i am really here for it.

And I fucking love the comedians are taking a lot of their own opportunities back into their own hands and seeing bigger and bigger names in comedy deciding to do it this way. I think it's really, really promising for the next decade of the comedy industry in the UK. And I would implore everyone who's listened to our show, I know I've got a special on there. Dan will be putting a special.

I was at the end of the year. Sean Walsh has got Kiss, which is phenomenal. Finn Taylor's got My Wife. Yeah. McLaughlin's got Hail Mary out there. Yeah. There's so much good content, and you can literally go through the full list of the guests we've had on,

and about half of them have put a special on YouTube in the past year or two, and Pierre's is one that I cannot recommend highly. Sensei Carl's got Cum Guzzler. Can't wait for that one. It's going to be big just on YouTube. Laura doesn't say when it's coming out yet. Oh! Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Very good. That's his wife. That's her name. You knew that. I did. I see what you did. We've got a song, haven't we? Have we got a song? Didn't Finn haven't we I haven't got a song

Didn't Finn prepare a song Got a song Oh shit So the visual listeners You don't get a song Because The YouTube We can't do it

We won't let you do it Okay But the audio guys You do get a song So The song is called Take a ride The band is called

Sour Kicks Spelled K-I-X, because they're funky little buggers. So if you are an audio listener, enjoy that. If you're a visual listener... Hang on, it needs a little bit more. We used to do this when we started the podcast.

At the end of the pod, when it was just audio, we played like an unsigned band or a hip-hop artist, and we just tried to break new music. We're bringing it back. So randomly, you know what I'm going, we're playing a song. So on the audio, we've got a track for you. We're bringing it back. So randomly, you know what I'm going, we're playing a song.

So on the audio, we've got a track for you. We have, and it is Take a Ride by Sour Kicks, K-I-X, Funky Buggers. I'm on tour, the Isle of Man. We've just released the last 642 tickets. They're on sale now. They'll be gone soon the extra dates in

Sheffield Nottingham Middlesbrough Birmingham and the sixth and final dates in Manchester are all on sale

do a seventh if the sixth one sells out there's a chance we'll put a seventh and final on we will rock you in Manchester

have you heard about Adam he's been doing the frock for 12 years do you think he should have played a bigger venue yeah maybe look we will correct that on next year's tour

which I've got the title for no no no no title I know do you want us to know it sure I'm going to call it pound for pound nice

because there's several layers to it um Sure. I'm going to call it pound for pound. Nice. Because there's several layers to it. Adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows. Dan's going on tour at some point. Can't remember when. Dannightingale.com for that. Thank you. What's September? When Dan goes on tour.

Oh, yeah. Me and Carl are doing a quiz, but that's already sold out. We're going to start doing that maybe once a month on a Monday in Liverpool. It's going to be chaos. There's a £1,000 top prize because we're putting all start doing that maybe once a month on a Monday in Liverpool. It's going to be chaos. There's a £1,000 top prize because we're putting all the money that it makes into the prize. No profit for us. It's just going to be a laugh. And obviously, we've got the Arena show on sale.

Have a word live at the Arena on Friday the 9th of December. You can get tickets for that somewhere. Happy? Everyone happy? Yeah, thank you so much everywhere please thanks guys bye-bye First time that you caught my eye Late one summer's night There were bodies all around But it was only you and I

Then we start to leave the bar We've got an early start It hurts me more You're out the door And you're getting in your car You left me standing there Left to pay the taxi fare Open up my mind

And see what's on the other side of you Then you'll know the truth The way I feel about you Take me home tonight All up to you It's fight or flight, you choose Cause all I wanna do Is take a ride with you

You You Drive me down to south of France The sweet smell of romance. Show me how you work the floor, show me how you do your dance. Take a trip down every lane, the neighbors would complain. We raised the bar, we partied hard, we didn't see the mess we made. I woke up from my dream

Left with my reality Open up your mind and see what's on the other side of you Then you'll know the truth The way I feel about you I love you. You didn't get the card to write all the openings of my heart for you You missed the chance to see the signs, now this love is blind Open up your mind and see what's on the other side of you Then you'll know the truth, the way I feel about you Take me home tonight, all up to you, it's vital that you choose It's all I wanna do

Take a ride with you You You You You You You, you, you