Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #171 with Stephen Grant - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 9, 2022

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Now, I'm getting the word nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous the soon to be legendary Have a word! Go Ed, get on me! Hey. Welcome.

Well, you know, I personally love working with Adam Rowe, but today I'm so fucking glad he's not here because he's touring like a bastard. He's watching Liverpool like he's gone super fun, like a super fan, hasn't he? He's at every game. He's at every game now. Yeah, weird, isn't he?

Just fucking literally doing this. I watched him do it the other day. He was like, oh, Finn, I need a friend to take to Villarreal. Can I pay for everything? He was like, Finn, how much can you afford to pay? In that voice, because that's how he speaks off camera. That's his real character.

And Finn was like, £300, master. And Adam was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'll pay for everything else. Took him to Villarreal. Genuinely, I'm glad he's not, because he loves doing this pod. Religiously, he wants to be at every episode. He'd be a fucking hungover, tired,

annoying Liverpool fan wouldn't he right now last season when he went so good he wasn't at the games I don't know what to let's not start that in his place

we've got one of the best Mr Sean Walsh thank you Mr Sean J Walsh I want more money okay you're getting more

than anyone's got I don't know I don't know who broke in that deal but I listen whoever's fucking like Adam was like than anyone's got. I don't know who broke in that deal, but listen, whoever's fucking Adam was like, how much do you need Sean? We'll pay it!

Come first class on the train. Why don't I get headphones? Do you want them? Adam doesn't like them. He feels constricted. Why do you? Constricted? He just gets a little bit like they're in his space. Which I understand actually. sometimes do you feel left out could you feel it looks like you're professional and i'm not professional you're taking adam's seat you're very professional

but you're you're the ringer for roe okay so all right you can have what you can have we do the work here we're doing the audio audio. You just do you. So welcome to the podcast, everyone. Adam is away. He's been in Villarreal watching Liverpool shit themselves for 45 minutes and then have loads of fun. He looked like he'd been put in the special needs section with its own glass perspex window just in case and then fell out. So they did really well. He's not here in his place Sean Walsh, how you doing mate? Welcome to Runcorn Thank you for having me It's very good to be here I've not, to warn you, I've not woken up yet

And I don't know if that will happen But it's not I think since I've got Covid it's not Have you got the cloud? Is that what it's called? The fog Covid haze. COVID haze.

The foggy blue. I think I do. I think I've got the fog. I do. I got the fog. Who's got the fog? I'm just a bit slower than I used to be, and I can't tell if it's because of the fog or the age.

I think it might be, I don't know. It may be age. Did you get it? Maybe sobering up is terrible for you. It's an awful thing to say to someone who's cleaned themselves up, maybe you need a drink mate get that edge back get that edge back being there sober and self-aware is doing nothing for you uh i didn't get any fog but i have heard of it that's it long it's essentially long covid isn't it yeah i've just i just feel a bit slower but i haven't woken up i don't know i don't know if it's i haven't woken up if i'm

i might just be tired i think it's go i don't think it's long i mean i went to bed at 4 a.m and got up at 7 30 isn't everyone always tired though everyone is always tired i'm tired sure you're always tired surely oh yeah like if you lay down it sorry let's talk to some dog owners about oh you're tired actually oh you have a cat and a dog they're like tom and jerry and they wake me up oh are you tired did a little fucking baxter wake you up you're coming in with a top trumps if i've got kids i just i'm gonna be that guy but come come speak to me bro you're on the way to kids. That's definitely happening. And you are because you're the most grown-up 30-year-old I've ever met.

Why am I on the way to kids? Because I've got a dog? Because I look at your Instagram. Oh, no. And I see the natural progression. You fucking hate social media, but you're so much more open and giving with your dog. Who's called, I'm sorry, I forget your blank.

Mildred Barrett. Mildred Barrett. Makes me laugh every time. A retired geography teacher. And old Mrs. Barrett from year five. What the fuck? But the way you are on social media with that dog is I just see the progression coming.

Oh no! Cause I'm so, whenever like my kids are involved and there's something cute happens, I'm like, if I do something, I feel very like, look at me, look at me. If it's my kids involved, I'm like, yeah, this is nice. People want to see this. And you're like that with the dog. Have you been posting the pictures of the kids?

Yeah, a little bit. No, no, no. No, I wasn't getting, don't worry, I wasn't, I wasn't accusing you of anything. right i've been crb checked but the i don't think you have to be for your own kids instagram to me is the only that's that's your photos folder that's the only photos you're gonna ever go through so if you don't put it on the gram you're never gonna see it again you're never gonna to see it again. You're never going to look through your photos. Oh. Do you never do that when you've got no internet?

What? When you've got no internet. Yeah. You go through your photos to entertain yourself. Do you clip- What the fuck are you talking about? You never do that. In your gallery.

If the internet- You just do your photos, the app, your photos app. You just go back to like five years and go, oh, I remember that, and it entertains you, if you've got no internet. Is that just me? Wait, is that just him? No, it's not.

That's what people do. No, they don't. You're lying. This is going to make me sound dead OCD. I love getting Sean annoyed. We've paid quite good money to get him up on the train just to annoy him

and record it, which is so beautiful. This is what I dream of in terms of podcasting. Just poke the bear. What? A fuck? What?

I got to gather it. I like to go back and then also have a little tidy up. Yeah, you did. You got to, didn't you? Do you not do that? No. Oh, it's the best? Go back to like eight years ago and it's just,

oh, I remember that. But what do you do when your ex is in the... Oh, I've been with you for 11 years. I've got a smartphone about a year and a half but i haven't had a major girlfriend since i had a smartphone so that works out really well that's yeah yeah no i can't go i can't i can't look at the past it's just a sad sad memory lane oh this is when she tried to stab me that night. Oh, yeah. Oh, this is the point where she said, my mum was really upset. Oh, brilliant.

So I never delete any... All my WhatsApp groups go back like 15 years. I've got every video and picture ever. I'm that guy who's got everything. Oh, yeah, no, my WhatsApp is full. I wouldn't get rid of that. No, but I'm the same with every... So if you want something, I've got that video,

I've got that picture. I pay for extra storage like every couple of years. You pay the I'm the same with every... So if you want something, I've got that video. I've got that picture. I pay for extra storage, like, every couple of years. You pay the cloud? Yeah, I pay, like, five terabyte. What are you doing? I've just gone back. Yeah, I see. It's lovely, isn't it?

Mine goes back to 2017 for some reason. I don't know why I've not got anything before that. It's Etta when she was just born. And then me when I was thin. Oh, look at that sexy thin cunt! You look better now. Oh,unt. You look better now. Oh, no. No, you don't.

Fuck what people think. You do. I could see my dick back in. Let me just put a date on this. Thursday, April 20th, 2017. Dan could see his penis. The last time. Oh, man.

And honestly, this is going to be a sad thing. My children will grow, and I will grow. Every picture, my children get bigger, and I get fatter and fatter till I'm here. Fucking. Actually, you're right. That's life. Yeah.

That's, do you think life gets worse or better? I'd imagine I know what you think. Well, I always, I think this, right? Here's your life now. Your life is worse. It's getting worse. It's getting worse. Do you ever think about that? Right now,

nearer to death. Thanos? Every single click. We're just getting closer and closer to death. We're going to have a break. Sneak energy. If you want to enjoy

those final seconds. Right now is the old... I know what you mean, but I'm a naturally sort of... Don't say that. That's awful. Because I'm already an old cunt. Right now is the youngest you've ever been

and the oldest... No, sorry. The oldest you've ever been and the youngest you'll ever be. Oh, I've never heard that. That was... Like some weird rap accent. Have a word podcast

is brought to you by the frightening existential dread of ultimate fucking futility of existence and your

demise I used to dread death I used to dread death a lot I used to think about death a lot like I couldn't sleep because I'd think oh my god one day I'm gonna die

and then I would imagine what death is and you can't even imagine what it is because it's nothing so it's not like being asleep it's not it's nothing i find that i find that really reassuring what that it's just have you ever been knocked out it's just nothing i have been knocked out i've been knocked out in a shop trying to save a woman and the man head-butted me and i fell down the crisps yeah that sounds worse than death that sounds honestly just being unconscious and not knowing what's going on is if that's death like completely unconscious that sounds better than being head-butted in a shopping center and falling down the crisps but in that moment did you were you awake and then awake again you don't know what was in between yes well. Well, that's death, isn't it?

So you're not going to know. No, because the death, you don't wake up. I woke up in the shop. Exactly. So you're not going to know you're dead. Carl, am I dead? No. But for that point, you were just gone. No, I know.

But that's, come on. Don't pretend to me that's not scary. If you found out now you were dying, you wouldn't be happy about it. Oh, I don't want to die that's not scary. If you found out now you were dying, you wouldn't be happy about it. Oh, I don't want to die. Yeah, yeah, thank you. I find that very scary. Good.

But actually being dead, you're done. You're done. It's fine. You don't have to worry about it because you can't worry about it. Because you will be... At the time, I'm talking about now, of course I fear death.

Right, you fear death. But once it's happened, you're all good. You're dead forever as well. You're gone. You're dead forever're all good you're dead forever as well you're gone you're dead forever yeah you're dead forever that's why i couldn't sleep you've been dead forever before you only have well before birth was death we were dead yeah i think you're right yeah we were already dead right Right. What? Do you know what I find? I just, as an atheist, of course death is scary. Yes. But the finality and the fact that you aren't conscious for the fucking abyss is reassuring.

But you don't know. Because you can't be scared. No. But you don't know. But every other variation to me is more frightening. Reincarnation. Oh, what a fucking nightmare. Coming back as a squirrel.

And knowing. And knowing. I don't think a squirrel knows. It used to be Dan Nightingale podcast. I can't believe this. I used to be co-host of Have a Word. This is just not good enough. I cannot believe this.

All I can do now is club up cheese and eat nuts. Is that airrel wearing headphones? And he's sat next to an obnoxious Scouse squirrel. What are you talking about? Well, the other one said, lad. What would you want to come back as if you had to come back? If you had to get reincarnated, what would you choose? I was going to be a bird straight away, flying.

How far is Gump? I wish I was a bird so I could a bird. Straight away. Flying. Yeah. All right, Forrest Gump. I wish I was a bird so I could fly far, far away from here. Flying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. It's easy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got no, there's no trick answer.

I think what would be funny, because do you see Golden Eagle or some beautiful sort of hawk? I don't know. Because if you come back as a fucking shitty pigeon. That's Sean Wallace. Fucking brilliant. Some fucked up, disheveled looking wood pigeon in West London.

Fucking, why isn't anyone giving me any fucking bread? I want some fucking bread. Give me some fucking bread. Come on. White bread. Be one of them ones that's got its foot stuck in like wiring. Oh, the saddest pigeon of all. Malcolm the monkey pigeonie pigeon oh damn oh damn you've been on the tube and a pigeon's gone i love this is the thing this is the thing

bowler hat and suit no it's great i watched a pigeon get up not fly on just hop onto the tube got to the next stop walked back out i'm not i'm not even joking i hope he knew what i'm not even joking amazing oyster card and everything oh god yeah what so like so you fear so death right back to death you fear dying you don't fear death you fear dying this is what i was thinking about dying. You don't fear death, you fear dying. This is what I was thinking about recently is I don't want a warning if we're gonna get nuked by Putin.

I don't want the sirens. Why would I wanna know that? Just end it. I just wanna hear the knock, bat, turn around. Oh, fuck, ow. Yeah. Done. I don't want, eww.

And you go, oh, shit. What would you do though? If you heard that noise and you've got half an oh shit what would you do though if you heard that noise and you've got half an hour what are you doing everyone's like who would you ring can you imagine if I just went to the garden office and cracked one out if I heard the sirens

the sirens wouldn't be finished and I would already be on the phone to a drug dealer going, I don't give a shit if I've been in therapy. Get your ass around here. He's like, yeah, I know, but there's only half an hour to live. I don't care. Come and spend it with me. Just be me coked up in my garden office

with the kids banging on the window like, Daddy, Daddy, it's the end. Like, shut up. So you'd have a coke one. Sean, what would you do? Do you know what? In all seriousness, it's something that I've always wanted to do is I'd run. That's it. So you'd have a coke one. Sean, what would you do? Do you know what? In all seriousness,

it's something that I've always wanted to do is I'd run. That's it. Towards Russia. Lean in. No, but I would want to... Can you imagine that run? Or do you think, I'm going to fucking make it?

Just imagine running away from a mushroom cloud. Imagine that fucking selfie. Run. Definitely run. Yeah, just in what you're wearing. Or would you put running kit on? No, no, just...

Because I'd be sports. I'd be the kind of cunt who was like, I'd be halfway into my running light career as the fucking atomic bomb hit. I'd be like, oh God, I could have been running. Oh. I'd finally throw my keys off a bridge.

Right. Been wanting to do it forever. What? Do you know when you walk across a bridge or you're in the car? Yeah. Do you want to get the edge to throw your keys out the window?

Siren goes off. Serica goes, apparently it's hitting Liverpool. We've got to drive quickly. And you'd be like, oh fuck, babe. I've got something to tell you.

Trying to escape the nuclear apocalypse on a bus but someone someone could run away from a mushroom cloud someone could do it the mushroom cloud has to end at some point right yeah so if someone near near the end did run out of that, what, circumference? Is that the word? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they would have ran away from a mushroom cloud. I don't think you want to be breathing heavily around a mushroom cloud. Did you get away from the nuclear politics?

Day three of toxic fucking emphysema. But there is a moment where the toxicity ends. Yeah, there would be, yeah. The moment where the toxicity ends yeah there was yeah yeah the moment where the toxicity ends there would be a light breeze that's where

the toxicity would end anything that looks like the end of the mushroom cloud you are fucked your dick falls off within three days because of the radiation

I would imagine I would imagine I'd go dick first who would you ring if you had I love that question we get that we get that on the email once a month and on the patreon if the world was to end in half an hour who would you

phone like i'm gonna be like i would phone my school friend who hasn't answered the last six times i've called him bondy do you remember the sex line when you were a kid the what you used to ring the sex line when you were a kid oh wait you used to ring the sex line when you were a kid I wasn't 22 just ring babe station no end of the world end of the world £1.50 a minute

end of the world it's alright babe yeah what you doing it's the end of the world I'm fucking wanking I'm wanking my pussy I got my tits out

you're too good at that My base station What do you What I'm so ill Did you not ring the sex line The Irish sex line Still makes me laugh

Someone reminded me of it recently Oh hello now You're through to the old Irish base station Fucking look at that Oh yeah Pay fucking two euro a minute I'll get me old nipples out um what was the sex line you mean pre-babe station no no it wasn't a what the fuck are

you drinking there carl paul what is going on ben allen dad elected the party have you heard me yeah you do some like i've been running around the mushroom from before no the sex line was um a sex advice cut free line but we used to just ring it from the phone box when we were kids oh 800 28 29 30 and we'd ring up and just think we were the funniest people in the world yes but obviously they got that call 14 times a minute yeah i'd do that um sorry what was this did you know there was a sex advice oh 800 28 29 30 so it's free in a phone box. So you go to the phone box,

you meet and go, ah, I've got a Maggie. My willy's too small. Help me out. And they were like, oh, cool. And they were like, hiya, Dan.

There's a limit of what we can do, mate. You've called eight times this week. It's not going to get bigger. But when you're not kidding, it's the funniest thing in the world. Right. Ordering takeaways. Ordering takeaways. Ordering takeaways

for neighbours and then watching the man arrive with a massive order. You are talking to the pro of that. Yeah. We ordered the skip

to across the road once. 80 tonne skip whatever it was. No. No you definitely didn't. Oh no we fucking did. No you didn't. Because an 80 tonne skip

would literally whatever the drop on the whole cul-de-sac and then fucking hell carl and adam do not mess around with the pranks whatever the whatever the biggest and eight so and uh because nobody doesn't want to skip when it comes he dropped it off and we haven't ordered it was like well i've got another job to go to and he just left it there for a week and people in the road just kept i don't know who paid for it um we used to order oh there's an old girl around us who's definitely got old ocd she since we've lived there we've lived there three years she's she's had a skip twice and it's almost like you know when someone this is a bit bleak but gets like hit by a car and there's a little shrine develops of flowers

and like sometimes a football jersey and everything. She barricades the skip. She puts a tarpaulin over the top and puts cones around it to stop anyone fly tipping in it. That would make me want to do it. I know. And she starts, I've seen her just, I've never seen this woman. She must be about 60, 65. stop anyone fly tipping in it. That would make me want to do it. I know, but, and she, I've seen her just,

I've never seen this woman, she must be about 60, 65, never seen this woman hanging around outside a house. When she's had a skip, I've seen her, like, an unusual amount of times,

I think she just stands around it. She's so mental, she's like, I've got to fucking skip, because we're clearing out the garage. But she, obviously, mad about people just throwing shit,

like a bit of litter. So she, she guards it, and like, barricades it with stuff fucking mental that is one of the great pleasures of life is chucking something away in a skip yeah when you've just got something and there happens to be a skip and oh lovely or best bin i've got a best bin when you're in a train station or the street actually and it's the man pushing the bin oh yeah and you get to go hang on do you ask though yes yeah you've got to ask you can't just steph curry it from fucking eight feet out what a miss moving tommy like tom brady and training like oh here we go oh sorry sorry my my bad that is a good bin and he knows he knows a great bin he knows what's coming but you've got to ask it anyway and you i've never finished that sentence you just go

excuse me so do you mind if i yes of course do you mind if i and he goes powers of observation we've also ordered a bouncy castle to my friend's house uh we ordered it at 7am and said like it said it's for his son's birthday let yourself in and put it up and he just woke up and there's a big bouncy castle in his back garden we all just went around but that's fucking great yeah that's brilliant yeah but his mom and dad woke up like why the fuck is it an inflated bouncy castle i don't see who's paying for that they can be like show me where we ordered this the guy was like someone's gonna pay that's the trick you order things where people don't usually prank because peter's yeah people expect to be paid for the skip or a bouncy castle or meat we've ordered meat as well once meat just like a meat supplier we'd order to someone's house

how did you have a phone how did you have access to a phone like you you literally nearly got a fucking asbo from from trolling les dennis we used to play neil or no neil i've played i love neil or no no what's that neil or no neil you ring a random number and say it's neil there and if he's there you get a point i was two one up in about 18 months i was winning two one when you get the neil how can you be two one up that suggests that that there's like 60% of people in the country are called Neil. No, we would ring like 50 numbers a day. Oh right, right, okay good

you weren't, the average wasn't like, I've rung three people, two of them were called Neil that's a high return. Important question and this is the kind of thing I think about a lot is, that was fun right? Yeah You had a good time. Absolutely Treasured memories. Yeah. Why have you stopped? Why do we stop? Would that not be fun now Yeah Why have you stopped? Why do we stop?

Would that not be fun now? Why have you stopped ordering a skip To someone's house? Why do we stop this? Is it because We know that it's not going to affect Anything moving forward We know that it's futile

It's pointless There's no point I know where this woman lives That gets weird about skips I now realise that We should order a skip for her house. Get it parked outside and see just through muscle memory and the fact that she's a mad old bat,

she starts defending it out of just like, well, it's a skip. I have to. I must defend it. Graham, get the cones. He's like, no, why did we go up? I don't want it. Yeah, that still sounds fun. And yet I would go, I'd go, no, I don't i don't want it yeah that's that's that still sounds fun and yet i

would go i'd go i don't know i don't bother stupid but it's so fun but is it because we're now older and we've we have felt just through the just through the fact of being alive we have felt pain we felt annoyance we felt all the negative things more in our lives. Just more empathetic. So you're just more empathetic. So you're like, no, that will... Because now we can imagine the ordeal. Why didn't you order the skip for the neighbours across the road? Exactly. Because we're all going to die. Well, maybe that's the reason why you should...

Because why didn't you order the skip? Well, because we're all going to die. Right, okay. Bouncy castle skip. I think they're a fucking... When people use the bins, when people do that thing of throwing in shit in a bin, I don't mind it.

I don't mind people... You know when people go mad about, oh my God, you threw something in my bin. I don't care. It's fine. It's your front garden. I don't give a fuck. It's fair on the floor.

Better than on the floor, isn't it? People get mental about that when they put the bins out. And they're like, no, you don't use my bin. That's my bin. The recycling bin does my head in. I'm a new homeowner, and that annoys me. Because I've only got a finite amount of that. What, when someone puts something that's not recyclable in your recycling bin?

No, when someone puts a big box in my bin, I've seen it happen. Oh, no, that isn't. That is irritating. Because now I've lost bin space. Right. You see, I think there's a correlation between these your question and that statement why have you stopped ordering bouncy castles actually it is very annoying when someone puts a large box even though it is in the right recyclable area that is frustrating to me yeah it's the growing up yeah that is an adult phrase

i've lost bin space yeah that is an adult phrase i've lost bin space yeah that is an adult phrase i think i think life insurance is the point where where you go oh shit off i'm an adult when you're betting against your own existence but you're worth loads of money i know but it's not that there's moments where you're like no i don't want to do this i want to play like footy on the green in front of my house for five hours and not drink any fluids for the whole time just because that's what you do. Yes, yes.

And then what you're actually doing is like, oh, maybe I will get contents insurance as well. Oh God, there's a bundle. Laura, there's a bundle. Shoot me in the fucking head. And you've got to do it. It just happened. You can't escape it.

Standing outside an estate. Have you done this? Just stopped and looked at pictures of houses. Even though they can't afford them? Can't afford them. Yeah, cause they're lovely. Outside an estate agent. Yeah.

I just point to all her. You said just as estate. I was like, Carl, stop suffering. Did you ever just get to an estate and think, God, these people are rough. How do they live like this? God, I wouldn't want to be around here. I love doing it in London, me, in like expensive borders.

You're like, well, that's 6 million. Yeah. I loved it, wasn't I? So my mate Matt that I've mentioned before got put up while he was doing a barrister training, got put up in London in Kensington. Lovely. Just near the V&A and the Natural History Museum.

Yeah. And honestly, from that tube station, just a quick sort of three-minute walk. The flats must have been built 40 years ago, 60s, 70s maybe. No older than that. Weren't particularly nice. I'm sure they were all worth £900,000.

The Navy were renting one of these. Apparently this happens all over. They rent, the forces do this. I'm sure big companies do as well. The walk from the tube station to that flat, and then he had a pub that he liked, that was around, as if you're walking towards Chelsea, I think. It was absolutely unreal.

It was like you were walking in a made-up land. And then we do that thing of like, have you just checked house prices round here? And the flats were 3.5 million. On the walk from South Kensington Tube Station to where his flat was, you walk past an old, like in Oliver, you know, and like, who will buy?

Who will buy? And it's all these amazing Georgian terraces. It was that. 3.5 million for a flat. And the best is that look from the locals who actually own these properties when they see your fat northern tubby ass waddling through like, oh, good God,

what are you doing here? Oh, dear. bringing down house prices with your big bald northern stupid head dreadful and i i used to go jogging around there when i stayed over because i'd stay over like a run of gigs and how bad i look in like lycra and my jogging kit and like how red-faced i go you know because the life expectancy is low not if you're a viva i'm a very healthy person. Um, cause I don't want that life insurance validated by the fact I'm drinking

sneak up 41, use word 10 content, content discount code. And, um, yeah, it's the, uh,

it's, you can see the look of fear in their eyes. Like, Oh my God, you're actually bringing down our house prices. You fucking scummy twat. You still jog? Yeah. Sometimes. Yeah. Do you like it? I just want to be ready for the apocalypse you know oh look at nightingale

street running is my least favorite thing to do in the world yeah it's because i don't know i sing you sing when you run. Yeah, sing. Bullshit. 28 minutes in. I get the endorphins. They hit me so hard that I end up singing. Oh, my God. What? What?

What? Out loud. I've just realised that everything I was saying about that South Kensington tube station and walking to the thing, Sean was like, like yeah isn't that just every walk i ever do in west london and like when i run i sing and you're like oh yeah we're from very fucking different places the scouts is like what what that's essentially a

fucking sex crime who will buy this wonderful morning shut up you pedophile. My bad. Ron Kensington. So you run around the streets singing. Hyde Park. And I'll sing. Sometimes, if your heart rate really goes up, the adrenaline kicks in.

Of course. You feel good. Yeah, it's London running, isn't it? Sing. You've got to sing. And then someone else running harmonises with you

and then you run a... Barbershop quarter. Yeah. What kind of music how do you run I run tenor but my friend Dave he runs bass

and we're actually we're looking for a soprano you fucking Blink 182 yeah he loves Blink 182 I know yeah I'll run and sing

Blink 182 right I'm doing it again what you're explaining yourself properly but I don't believe you and I don't even if it's fake I love it small I if it's fake, I love it.

Small things. No, you had to run and the sun's out and you've had some good news and you're running. Oh, the good news run. I love how you run, Sean, away from your death and also like, oh shit, I'm going to tax rebate. So you get amazing news and go for a run and then you get the awful news of nuclear holocaust

and go for a run. Whatever it is, I will run. I don't drink. When you, what else? I don't drink. There's nothing else to do apart from run. That's it. What blink 182s you go to?

You've had some good news. The sun is shining. You're out. So do you know, damn it? No, damn it. So like, Did you make that noise? Yeah, I do make that noise.

You must look so scared. It's all right to tell me what you think about me. I won't try to argue. Is there something about being sat there that makes everyone just go insane like i feel like i feel like there's a gift i can give sean that apparently no one's explained to him that you're allowed to listen to music while running what it's like i don't listen to music i sing it i'm singing things. That guy really needs some AirPods.

She left me roses by the stairs. Anyone? Thank you, Hypoch. Surprises let me know she cares. Fucking brilliant. While you're listening to music. While I'm listening to music. You didn't explain anything. I never, I'm not, I don't talk enough.

Honestly, when I'm doing this or doing a podcast or work doing stand-up, it's the only time I talk. I don't talk. There Honestly, when I'm doing like this or doing a podcast or do a work doing standup, it's the only time I talk. I don't talk. There's no one to talk to. So I've forgotten how to talk, which I think is the long COVID, the cloud, the fog. The fog. Whatever the fuck it is.

I'm on the cloud. Everything uploaded to the COVID cloud. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nana's pictures didn't make it. So I don't talk a lot. Right. Can you tell? You're very good at talking though, Sean.

Can you tell? You're very good at talking. Okay, good. Hey, do you know what I noticed watching your special kiss? Oh, what did you? Oh, no. And you're very perceptive,

so I'm worried. Oh, thank you. No bullshit there. Yes. Yes. You left. So I'm doing my tour in september and i'm recording it at the end of it i've got two recordings though ah i've got the afternoon which um and all tickets are still available to afternoon it's been a little bit slow my special is going to look

weird when everything's going well and then i cut to a room full of 40 people going fucking hell what should we get for tea? So there's an afternoon show and an evening show. Did you, when you recorded Kiss, which by the way, was brilliant. Thank you.

And, really interesting because as someone who's known you for a long time, we've always gotten well as stand-ups, but we've never been

close mates. I know, we never got to really do weekends together and hang out. Yeah. So we saw each other occasionally, always like your work. And obviously everything that happened

with the Strictly shit is very high profile, isn't it? And then you want to reach out and be like, all right, and then I didn't know you well enough. To have it, like just from a selfish point of view, to have it all explained was really

satisfying like it's a very funny show it's fascinating and it's uh it's just a great special but it's also actually very satisfying to go and now i know what sean went through because i sort of always wanted to know uh you recorded it at the bill murray Angel. Yeah. In that there London town. Yes. You only did one recording. Yes. And you left those moments where some guy joined in and heckled and. He was on his own and he was seemingly off his face and it felt like he'd just snuck in. Like he didn't know who I was or what the night was. It was like it was shelter On a special recording Yeah I know But

I can imagine if you got a heckle You got any change That's great yeah I love the bit about the panic attack In Notting Hill Can you spare one pound fifty What do you do for a living Nothing

Money please There's just a pigeon next to him watching yeah i really know i really know the comedy the um no so that so there's what people don't know about that show is and have you ever done a story show by the way because i hadn't so not as in-depth as the story of kiss which is uh i know you do some brilliant bits about how you got into stand-up why you got into stand-up and you pepper the special with some excellent uh bits that could actually be done independent of it there was there yeah there was one routine there was one routine in it which is about about when you're a kid kicking the ball against the fence, like keeping the neighbours up. That was meant to be in the show that was going to be the show

that toured after Strictly. Right. You don't like the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I wanted to keep some of that in to kind of appease anyone that liked what I did before. No, there was loads of bits to stand a bit. I have have done a story show but it was peppered with more bits it was a it was a loose thing to hang a story on about me ending up living in my nana's bungalow with my family in st hans

and i use that to just do a lot of my favorite stand-up yes i was trying to do the thing at edinburgh where you satisfy the critics and all the comics and promoters who were like, what's it about? But I also wanted people, because I was down on Cowgate and there's loads of Scottish people like, I definitely give a fuck about your nana.

They just want to see some comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but Kiss was more story. Well, the thing is, right, so what I thought that having gone through something like that and i've said this a few times not not here but when i was i was i went through that thing that you glance at in the papers do you know what i mean like you you walk into a petrol station you see the tabloids there on the side in that in that box thing and you and you kind of glance at it and you never

think about it ever again and i you never fucking ever imagine that you're gonna be the guy you're gonna be going through that you could even when you agree to do strictly whatever maybe i'm a fucking idiot naive but you you just never think that's gonna be you because you see it and it's almost like it's not humanised, is it? It's not people, it's just stories. And it's just almost like you don't connect it with the devastation and stress that those people are going through. And they're just, they're like, they live in fucking mansions and have swimming pools and all of the...

They deserve it. They deserve it. Take them down. But it doesn't, it feels otherworldly and then you're going through it and i thought oh there could be we're in a unique position where we do stand up and i can tell i can kind of tell people what it's like to actually be going through this fucking nutty story but so i so i came the story was there i didn't have to write the story it wasn't like i went right how can i have a story and hang these bits off it it was like which bits do i not say i have

to decide what do i like keep out so you tell the story and then you don't do it for two years because and i don't imagine you will have ever had this when i did edinburgh you're doing it every night you're fucking, you're telling these bits that are actually like some of the lowest points in your life and everyone's laughing but you're telling it every night

and you've completely forgotten why it's funny. So there are bits like where I'd be turning round and I'd be like doing the joke and then I'd turn round and I'd be like, oh.

Why, because it was too real because you're just having to relive this fucking horrific moment but then the special when we recorded it it had been two years since I'd said it and I just wanted one go that's why I didn't do it

in two nights or anything like that I just wanted one shot adrenaline infueled that performance, obviously I've seen it in two nights or anything like that. I just wanted one shot, adrenaline-infueled. That performance, obviously I've seen it in the edit. It was very real. It's real, and it's intense, and it's because it's all come back for one night only. Oh, so it's not the end of a run.

It was genuinely... No, it's not the end of a run. I've not said it in two years. So it's all coming back, and it's coming because you've tried to not think about it. It's now just the intensity. So you've got, it's all coming back and it's coming because it's, you've not, you've tried to not think about it. It's now just the intensity. If I look at it and I see a clip or something, you go, I wouldn't have, if I'd done that twice, that would be half of it would be fake.

I found it captivating. Like now this feels like a dig and it's absolutely not. No, no. I've laughed more at other specials. Sure, sure. There are some very funny moments, but it's like Edinburgh gets absolutely slated for this. Like, well, it's not funny. But like that special, pound for pound, laughs wise, will not register with people's like top five or whatever.

But in terms of how captivated I was. Watchable, yeah. So watchable. Two real reasons I think Sean's fucking great at what he does hi two real reasons

because of the way you filmed it and now I know because I was like fuck this feels really it's visceral the right way like I was as a comic I was like

god it's well filmed whoever did it's Horatio Gould do you know Horatio he's 24 I've seen some of his social media stuff 24

is it him that does the social media stuff like the every TV show yeah yeah yeah he's brilliant he's really yeah and he's just made the thing

he just made the thing with Finn Taylor under the oh that's so fucking good oh my god has he done that as well yeah oh he's talented

very talented our mates are nailing this um yeah uh yeah it was it's polished and raw at the same time yeah but it's the story you don't i wanted to hear the story if you'd have tried to like stick it up a bit more and be like hey let's jazz this up and like i really and I tell you what you did brilliant you and Horatio I know we're saying that seriously I know Horatio

hi Horatio shout out Horatio I'm sick of saying that on the pod loads of our patrons are called Horatio aren't they it's like John you have to put

you have to put the initial after it Horatio from Kirby who died in year five it was the it was the way you filmed the panic attack at the start. And you, that was really well done.

I watched it. I was like, the special starts. I don't want to ruin it for everyone. But you're like, what are we doing here? And then it really sets the tone for the reality. I think if you watch a comedian tell a story it's obviously we're good storytellers it's what we do it's what we like you're a storyteller you're an observation list i um but that bit where you literally show the bit in notting hill where you lay down on the street

it it really makes it it makes it real so i tell why i did that is because I feel like we're doing one of those actor's studio shows where they talk about how they got into the performance. Well, well... I love that. I love that shit. Like, a lot of our lot want it to be funny. And we've definitely ticked that box already today, haven't we?

But we get so many emails going, fuck, I'm really getting into standup and I really want to understand it. You can see it in the questions we get. But is that, if you took that, that, that true story,

that is a, that is, there, there have to be moments that I don't choose because obviously that story did involve other people. So you have to take out

basically anything that would bring them into it whether you are still you know whether you are going out with them or not you know you can't you know and she's here tonight but what I felt was is that if it's just the show if we just have the stand-up show please welcome Sean Walsh I come out then what you are performing is a show. And you will never, is it really me or is it a show? Is it an act? What is it?

And I thought if we begin the show with me in real life, in the place where I had a panic attack the night before doing the Charleston in front of five million people, and you get to see me in the real world starting off this story, and then we cut to the show, it will blend that together, and it will kind of take away that, I mean, I don't really know how to articulate it,

but just that feeling of it's just a show. It's not just a show. It's your life. This was my life. Yeah, I think the way you bookend that special go and watch kiss you you'll you'll find it on sean's uh youtube and it really is a a fucking great way to spend an hour um and we'll put it in the descriptions of the youtube and the audio the way you bookend it really i'm nicking it by the way i think it's fucking great do it oh yeah like i'm 100 do it it would be way less dramatic but

my special will start with like here we are this is the garden office this is where i took cocaine and wank for seven hours and it was here that uh it ran out of moisturizer and started using sun cream and i don't know if you've ever masturbated with SPF 50 but it's quite claggy and there'll be just that real moment and I'll be like yeah you know

that's my reality and then cut to like hi Chester and there'll be 23 people because it's an afternoon show that's not sold is your willy brown done or white

or pink I think bruised is the word what colour's yours it's brown no one's got a white willy even as a white man right okay yeah but i don't know mine mine's brown but it's not because of genetics it's habitual i mean your t-shirt's probably a bit too brown but it's browned and

it gets browner what do you mean it gets brown it's like a banana it ages doesn't it but like faster than your body. Do you know what would be good if we just let that hang and just don't comment on it? Really, have you got a dark... My penis is significantly darker than the outer, like the skin around it, yeah? Like my legs. Yeah.

Well, I've seen it. Mine looks like a 72-year-old sailor's dick. It's seen some things. My dick is older than me that's what I mean like if you did an autopsy they'd be like well he's

he's a 41 year old man but uh this penis looks like a Chilean miners oh my god how old oh no but your penis is older

than your body 100% yeah it's just because it's it looks it anyway considering it's been hiding yeah mine's like an abused mole it's like

considering it's always awayided Yeah Mine's like an abused mole It's like Considering it's always away Hello sir Just saying Alright cool Well watch your own special And after the break We're gonna Look at Carl's

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Oh, happy days Copyright strike, careful Oh, yeah, because I do hold a tune And, you know Too good at singing, copyright strike Just a little bit too good This podcast is brought to you by the love and faith of our Saviour, Lord and Jesus Christ Alright, okay, words

I nearly used them well and then I didn't Oh, we've got some correspondence, Sean. Let's do it. And the people have got some questions for you. Sean, when did you get into comedy? And who were your biggest

influences? That's not a question. No, of course it's not. Jesus Christ. Shout out any student journalists. If you ask that question, we think you're a dick. Who are your biggest influences? Tell me, how did you get into comedy? How would you describe you?

That's the word. I had gambling debts to the Yakuza. And they were like, you're going to do some comedy. And I did. I danced for them. And that was how I started out in Tokyo. Fuck off. Late 90s. I danced for them, you know? And that was how I started out in Tokyo. Fuck off. Late 90s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to make me laugh, funny man. That's what they said. In English? No, no. That guy was French. I just not good at accents. He was a weird French head of the Yakuza.

Like in Russia? He was like, bonjour, motherfucker. Like that. Yeah. Stop talking, Carl. I will. Have you ever done a runner from a gig? I did my first runner.

Let me give you an applause. Thank you. 15 years in, he's running from gigs. I came here to share ideas. Good day to you. No, no, thank you, Guildford. Sean, you run from everything. We've made that quite clear now.

I know, I know. No, but I'm at that point. Where's the headliner? All the farthings. Think of doing a charity gig at the Camden Roundhouse, right? To anyone listening, charity gig, just a normal gig. It's just the proceeds go to charity. Turn up at the Camden Roundhouse, walk in, it is 10 p.m i walk in it is a corporate it is an it is a black tie

dinner event go fuck yourself cabaret tables not people aren't facing the stage there's music it's the band from strictly comely Come Dancing. Fuck. Hello, mate. I've been a long time no see. Where have you been? Lying down in Notting Hill. Ed Gamble's on, right? Ed Gamble's closing. Oh, he loves it. He keeps on calling it a corporate.

I'm calling it a charity gig. So I've not had the bollocks to ask him, but I think Ed was getting paid. And I think I was doing it a charity gig. So I'm not at the bollocks to ask him. I think Edge was getting paid. And I think I was doing it for free. This isn't why I did the runner. Hey, hang on. First of all, you don't need to,

you are justified instantly with the running. So don't feel like, there's no judgment. But if Ed Gamble is calling it a corporate, he got paid 2000 pounds minimum. So what the fuck, fuck have you been dragged in so i so i so we i'm complaining about it we go so we have enough so we pop our heads at pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop it's a fundraiser for papa booba diop he's? Stop doing this with

African footballers who I love. Papa Booba Diop is dead. Died about five years ago. Shh. Oh no. No stop it.

But I don't know who that is. No stop upsetting me about. Hang on we're mid story. We're all coming back. What are you doing?

No you're not. Papa Booba Diop dead. How did the former Premier League player die? Oh no He's a was now on Wikipedia Death A long illness

In his hometown That's really His widow, his son and daughter were present during his That's really cut into the anecdote about running away from a kid Did you just explain how funerals go? His widow and children were there at the funeral Bit maverick there. I'll tell you what about the boobity ops.

They do funerals a little bit conventional. Yeah. This one, this whole, I'm dedicating this whole episode to Papa Boobity Op. Can we all kiss? This one's for you, Papa Boobity. Papa Boobity. I genuinely didn't know Oh, you know PBD That's why, because I loved him so much

Apologies, sorry You're at the roundhouse, Ed Gamble's getting fucking Dalla Dalla So we walk into the room and I just suddenly I can just, I can see it It's, I'm gonna die Someone's gonna film it, they're gonna post it online I'm the Strictly Bander here

I can't, this is bringing back all sorts. No, I can't do this. I go up to the organiser. She says it's running late. My stage time is now half 10pm. They've been drinking since six. Of course they have. I say to this woman.

For charity. Yes. I say, sorry, I've got a wild idea. How about maybe as it's running late that I don't go on? And she goes, I no you have to go on and i go oh i just don't think it will benefit anyone you know you're great i mean that's got nothing to do with with it believe me i really don't think i should go on and she went oh go on

go on and i and she went what's the problem and i realized you can't if people don't do comedy you can't she said sorry just remember she went there's a mic and people and you're like that needs more than just a microphone that's why i closed nelson mandela's funeral because you know i was there there was a mic and people of course and i always i love edl meetings as well i do 20 minutes because there's a mic and people yeah You fucking twat. So I said, you're right. Actually, ignore me. Sorry, bit of a panic.

Yeah, no, I'll do the gig. Take me to the dressing room. So she took me to the dressing room. I walked in, grabbed my rucksack. I went, see you later, Ed. And I ran. Could you just take me to the dressing room and show me where the fire exits are?

Yeah, I did. Now, can I just ask a question? Because I'm very this is just me sean walsh talking very big on fire safety are these fire exits alarmed okay oh they're not cool well i'll just say hello and goodbye to ed gamble hi ed um go on uh talk about i think I've mentioned it on the pod before. These corporate charity events do exist. They are awful looking. There's one in Manchester that Justin Morehouse wrote me into. Now I'll say this about Justin Morehouse,

who is one of our early guests. He's been very good to me over the years, been a real big brother to me in comedy and has, because of that, gone, tell you what, I'll take you on one of these gigs that pays very well, you know, Friday afternoon big hotel in Manchester

they know me, they like me, you know and I'll tell you what they feel about me they don't know me or like me that's very much the vibe, he gets paid bank because he's Justin Morehouse, around the North West the big dogs are Jason Manford, Justin Morehouse.

They're like, oh yeah, we know them. We like them. They're like us. They're Mancunian businessmen. Cigars. We smoke inside.

It's the North. Go fuck yourself. I own the building. I'll burn it down. Them petty. And they got, yeah, and they got me,

they got me involved and some other fuckwit and just walked out and it's, it's amazing when you gigging in those corporatey environments like yeah it's a charity fundraiser but it's a black tie corporate it's a three-course meal yeah and they pay 10 grand for the table so you know so someone that carl's got a discount from some fucking major business classic football show yeah yeah yeah no but like

the solicitors yeah they're all on that table and they're like vincent solicitors they bid for like football shoes ryan gigs hit someone in this shirt yeah 50 grand and obviously you don't know any of these people and i went out pretty confident because i've been doing stand-up a while this is about five years ago so i'm at the 15 yearyear mark. I'm not a child. I felt like a fucking open spot. I felt like an open spot. It was just a sea of dads.

And then I looked down in the front row, and it was Papa Booba de Op, and I was like, oh my God, the ghost of Papa Booba. And it wasn't. It was Shea Given and Kevin Kilban. Oh my God. Yeah, and their partners. And I'll tell you this about Shea Given and Kevin Kilban. Oh my God. Yeah. And their, and their partner and their partners. And I'll tell you this about,

uh, Shea Gibbon and Kevin Kilban. The way they were obviously like not keynote speakers, but like, Oh fuck, you know, famous guests get them on. Oh yeah.

Yeah. So they were in the front, the very focal point of the, so all of these dads and then fairly decent premier league footballers all eight years ago. Oh, and they smiled politely through my set that died so fucking badly.

Like afterwards, Justin Morehouse was like, fuck. You know, you're like, no, hey, no.

You know when like the comic who's vouched for you feels obviously embarrassed. Like behind my back and he was absolutely right to me and he'd be like, yeah, usually he's not shit.

But to me, Justin was like, usually it's not shit but to me Justin was like bloody hell yeah don't worry about it sometimes it doesn't happen not all of them are English speaking but Shea Given

and Kevin Kilbane were at the front and they were like they were cringing for me very nice people their partners just flat out

hated me it was really like so Mrs Given and Mrs Kilbane shout out hated me. It was really like, so Mrs. Given and Mrs. Kilbane. Shut up. Fucking awful. And everyone's like,

yeah, it's a charity gig. It was a high, high priced death. Who's the most famous person you've died in front of? No, performed to or died in front of. Died in front of Ross Kemp. That's amazing. Ross Kemp on gigs. This is a shit one. It's a shit one. It's amazing. Ross Kemp on gigs. This is a shit one.

It's a fundraiser. It was exactly what you described. Out through the fire exit. We're looking for the headline. He's running. I can hear music. I forgot to tell you this bit. When I did the runner for the gig,

I flagged down a taxi. I got in and the driver went, I flagged down a taxi. I got in and the driver went, fucking hell, what's up with you? You done a runner? And I went, I have done a runner. That's mental. He goes, you're fucking joking.

I go, no, I'm not. I've done a runner. As he locks the doors of the taxi. Drives you back. No, no, I did it. I looked like I'd done a runner. Someone could look like they'd done a runner. I did look like I'd done a runner.

Sean, you always look a bit like you'd done a runner. I did look like I'd done a runner. Sean, you always look a bit like you've done a runner. You look like you've done a runner from Runcorn train station when I picked you up. Is Ross Kemp the most famous person you performed for? Performed for? Well, it wasn't... No, I don't mean that. It was for him. It was just me and him.

In his office. Make me laugh. Justin Morehouse on before you. I love Justin. Who's been in the audience. For the audio listeners, that will have been quite the shock. Sorry about that. That's my thinking noise.

That's your agent. Hello? That's an old-fashioned phone. Anybody who's like, oh shit. Hang on, what the fuck am I talking about? Prince Charles. He's quite famous. Prince Charles.

What did he say to you? Don't worry about them, they're all toffs. Died in front of Prince Charles. Died in front of Prince Charles? Yeah, died in front of him. And then I met him in the line-up afterwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was it, yeah. Died in front of Prince John. Oh, you died in front of Prince John? Yeah, yeah, died in front of him. And then I met him in the line up afterwards. Don't do the joke. No, I'm not gonna.

What? Carry on. What, what, what? No, it's a princess Diana joke just waiting to be asked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Usually he's not at the scene of the, nevermind. But yeah, that's, I don't think I'm ever gonna top that. No. You? I don't think I'm ever Going to top that No

You? I don't Honestly Kevin Kilban Kevin Kilban Kevin A cringing Kevin Kilban

I mean It's not what you want Is it? She played as well He wasn't Played for the Blues And he was old He wasn't shit though

Was he? He was alright Shea Given was great Shea he was old. He wasn't shit though, was he? He was alright. Shea Given was great. Shea Given was pound for pound, up there in the top five goalkeepers of his head year. Real shot stopper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. A bit unfair about Kevin Kilbarn,

who I actually do like. Oh, he's probably a lovely man. You could tell he was like, come on now, make it not shit. You know. Does he ever understand that one? No, he played for the Republic of Ireland. I've just remembered he's actually from where I'm from.

So if I had just used my own voice, it would have sounded more like Kevin Kilbane. Bloody hell, I'm from where you're from and I'm probably better stand up than you. Which is a terrible impression of me. Yeah, that was, that wasn't you. Unbelievable. This is a question very specific to Sean Walsh,

and I feel like we need to press him on this. Seen our very own Sean Walsh on Vittorio's podcast wearing tinted glasses. Just want to know where we all stand on tinted glasses. Maverick move, defo prickish, or high-end pedo? I can't decide. That's from Lee from Buxton. I don't know what the problem is.

I'll say this now. Orange tinted. The one on his, the one when they were pink tinted, and I've also got orange tinted. Like Johnny Depp? Thank you. Do you know what? I've got blue tinted.

I went into the shop. I saw the blue tinted frames on Johnny Depp, and I went then please right i mean the only person who's had a worse last three years than you is there a correlation between tinted glasses and horrific career falter in three years i tell you what i don't see the problem. Me. Johnny Depp.

It looks good. Can we throw that in here? I really don't think you should. Yeah, there's the better. Bono's such a... Do you see in that colour then? Because I've never worn them. Yes, it cools everything. Look at Bono looking like Brian Cranston

except Brian Cranston that did way too much cocaine. I mean... I like that. I don't know what the problem is. Jeff Goldblum's cool as fuck, innit? Yeah. Yeah, okay, I get it. I will defend tinted sunglasses,

and I will defend, be ready for this, sunglasses at night. I don't give a fuck. No one actually needs, no one, you can't convince me that anyone needs to wear sunglasses on a sunny day. No one's not got sunglasses on and go, I can't see, help me, I can't see.

In fact, you don't need them. They are not needed. Everyone wears sunglasses because it makes them look cooler. I want to look cooler at night. I don't give a fuck if it it's the sun if it's the moon moon glasses i'm calling it moon glasses that's what i wear and i don't give a i i think sue me i think that's the energy you need to take into any fashion choice you know also again you

live in west london you're fine but what do you think? I just think round-ear tinted glasses is essentially... No, yeah, no, not in round-ear. A self-hate crime, isn't it? Round-ear shoes are like fucking... Oh, my God, these got two shoes that match. No, I mean, if you wear orange, pink, all-blue tinted sunglasses in Runcorn, you've inadvertently started Runcorn pride.

And you might die. It's a brave bold move i'd be happy to do that i like her love pride um i can't wear tinted glasses why because you do wear tinted glasses i don't you wear like the bifocally ones you know you the you they mean the changes yeah yeah and I've stopped wearing them because Laura calls me a pedo in them my wife who loves me goes oh are you wearing your pedo glasses

so I've stopped wearing them yeah I've stopped wearing them do you know because getting called Grace stopped me from wearing a suit getting called a nonce getting called a nonce a suit

as a joke to this oh my god she was a I picked up my blazer with my shirt and she went she was in bed she went what are you doing and I wentzer With my shirt And she went She was in bed

She went What are you doing? And I went I'm wearing a suit She went What are you doing? Have a word They all

They all just relaxed Dressing like that And I went Yeah but I'm doing my shit I'm doing my shit I want to dress like Does this mic come out of the stand?

She just went Put that back And that's Hence this You should have worn your glasses I should have worn the glasses next time next time you're on

and it well this is this is a rebooking isn't it yeah it was Adam's career stroke

health stroke Liverpool football club he's drinking enough to have a stroke let's be honest he's

he's he's gonna be busy again isn't he I mean Ishan's Hall of Fame. Sean's now Hall of Fame. Of course. Next time your guest co-host is. Did you get something?

Yeah, some sneak products. Yeah, you can tint your own eyes. You know, you don't need tinted eyes. You just drink enough of this and your fucking pupils will go purple. I think we should wear our tinted glasses. Done. Open up.

And you'll see someone like, oh my God, like a modern Johnny Depp. And then sex offender. It's instant sex offender. For the Avena show, by the way, I'm going big.

Tinted glasses. I mean, outfit wise. Right. Big. We're playing an arena battle. We've all heard. Suck, suck, suck.

We've all seen. Yeah. Do you know what know I absolutely love it But you don't know What you're doing yet We've got a vague outline That arena show Yeah we've got

We're not like Yeah we've sold 5,000 tickets We'll see We'll probably sell 7 Maybe 8 We're not like Not arsed

Yeah yeah no no Because we're arsed Yeah We've Put it this way We've booked a rehearsal space building up to it. Oh, wow. We've got some plans.

Adam has agreed to, Jesus Christ, a, oh my God, it's going to be like flash dance. Every other live show we've written on the day, the day of. Yeah. This is going to be incredible. With mixed results. It's going to be incredible. With mixed results. This is going to be incredible. Oh, this has got podcast, standup, set pieces, a crowd interaction.

It's going to be ridiculous. Ice hockey. Awesome. 100% all right. Zip line. Adam's coming in on a zip line. Oh yes. Like Shawn Michaels, WrestleMania 12.

Second week of December. No more like Bret Hart. Get ready. Get ready for being a guest co-host. Owen Hart. You meant Owen Hart. I knew what you December. No, more like Bret Hart. Get ready. Get ready for being a guest co-host. Owen Hart? You meant Owen Hart. I know what you meant. No, you meant Owen Hargreeves.

Wait, wait, wait. More like Owen Hart. Yes. Just pronounce Hargreeves. I think he was there as well. Oh my God, Dad. Try better. Yeah.

So that arena show and how much we've banged on about it has really got in UK comedy's head hasn't it there was a lot of love was there oh was there not no great it's my echo chamber no i want i want it i'd like to hear that oh so i oh so yeah well okay well my echo chamber is also love i have a word good this is what i was going to say just quickly this is what i was going to say just quickly. This is what I was going to say to you, is that I have been recognised twice outside of, once I went to, I stayed in Bedfordshire in a country, in a village, and a man came up to me in a beer garden and said, have a word, I'm a big fan, up the lids.

And I was in a beer garden and I went, up the lids. And I thought, what the fuck is this? And another guy came up and went I think Amber Heard's a fucking bitch. Good for you. Good for you.

We describe it as Fight Club isn't it? It's amazing. It's people going we know the same thing. Yeah it's wonderful. Yeah the little Fight Club.

The guy in Glasgow was fucking class. I just went down I was like That's so cool. I love went down. I was like, that's so cool. I love that. There was a pride that you get from that, that you don't get,

or I've not got from telly where you go, God, I know, I knew these guys before they set. This is just you. It's fucking incredible. People are, people are putting it on their Edinburgh posters for this year.

Fuck off. Yeah. That's amazing. The former guests. That's amazing. The former guests. That's cool. Vittorio's going to put together, he's actually doing it now,

he's shown me the first draft. He's going to put together a schedule for all the former Have a Word guests. Yeah, that's great. With their Edinburgh shows. So if you're going up to the Fringe and then next year, I think I'm going to go and do a week. So hopefully Adam will be in the mood as well.

We can do something interesting at the fringe. That's going to be very satisfied. Oh my God. Have you got reviewers in? I'll shoot them in the face. That's how that'll go down. I love that. Can we give quotes then?

You what? Surely people want quotes from us. Yeah. What? For the poster. I don't know how big this podcast has to get Sensei Oh my god Please if any

I don't care who you are If you're listening as a comic I will give you a quote Yes Please just put it on Just one poster You can have a thousand posters Just do one of them

No it doesn't work like that You don't print one poster Not just to appease me It's not a different quote Not just to appease me No it's got to be on all the posters okay all the posters

right I promise you this yeah I will put you as one of my quotes and I'm going to make you this have a word deal now whatever you choose

one sentence you know I'm good with that yes Adam will put like oh I'm a big raging paedophile come to me show or something. I'll put something. No.

Oh, yeah, of course. You can't trust him with any of these bets. No, he'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be sound about it. My mum was a dead cum dumpster. Who's the quote from? Fucking Dan's dad.

Getting on there. Does that make your family sad? No. getting on the does that make your family sad I hope he's alright I hope he's alright is he alright do you mean alright this is alright Karl is he alright at the moment what are you on about

I just think all he fucking fine all he does is talk watch Liverpool and drink and I'm just worried about it and what do you think

he'd want to be doing if he was at home oh no I'm not saying but like what you want to do and what you should be doing is he alright it. And what do you think he'd want to be doing if he was at home? Oh no, I'm not saying, but like what you want to do and what you should be doing. Is he alright? He's alright. He's alright, yeah.

What do you want to do? Cocaine and masturbate. And that's why I'm in therapy. Jamie Langston says, I hear a lot of mention about work in progress gig. What's the ideal setup where this is,

I'm saying, doing this question now because I've accidentally led into it. Love it. So Carl, just cut this out because that was professionalism.

Okay, look at me. Where would your dream venue city room be if you had to do a two-week preview run? Or is it just the Edinburgh Fringe? Excuse my ignorance,

I find it fascinating. That's from Jamie Langston. What, for me? Yeah. Well, well, the thing is with me, the honest answer to that is i'd i'd i i hate

traveling i'd so it would just be top secret comedy club which is half an hour on the tube so that's a really is that yours now your spiritual home gig yeah yeah absolutely so that that helps so top secret comedy adam fucking loves that place doesn't he like it's a lovely room it's like hot water away from home and yeah it is that's what it that's what it is the top secret is hot water of the south yeah i would say i've never done it i need to i need to i need to go i need to go and play what you would do you would absolutely annihilate it they would love you you walk in it's got that thing you walk it you go down the stairs the pictures of the comics frames down the stairs and and now the americans drop in at Top Secret instead of the store.

Oh, that's massive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really good. So Amy Schumer's on the wall. N'Zizi, what's his name? N'Zizi. N'Zizi. N'Zizi Ansari.

Yeah, he's on the wall. It's great. It's absolutely amazing. But that, for me, it's all about the travel. Good gig near your house. Near your house i hate i the traveling just when peter k did that arena tour uh that didn't tour no the 2004 yes so yeah he cancelled the one in 2017 yes uh because of uh super injunction and three years before that he

did the arenas but he just did manchester arena didn't he now he did tour it i that, he did the arenas, but he just did Manchester Arena, didn't he? Now, he did tour it, I think. Yeah, he did. It was the tour that doesn't tour that tours. He did 40 dates at the Manchester Arena. Oh, my God. I can't even comprehend how. 40?

I think he grossed. I think his gross for that was a world record at the time. Has to be. And that is a Bolton-based comedian. Oh. But I think Kevin Hart's Beaten the record since Oh really I don't know

He Has been off the circuit Famously for years When he was on the circuit He was K Peter K Legend

Yeah What I mean off the circuit is There are comics Who've kept Friends on the circuit Yeah yeah yeah And kept a link to the circuit Yeah yeah yeah

I've gigged with Johnny Vegas 15 times in however many years. And then there are people who were on the circuit and once they were gone, they were truly gone. And Peter Kay was one of those guys. I've heard stories about him at the Frog that were just legendary. Of him smashing the comparing to the point where

it was just unplayable because the guy was a fucking monster like you think pk's funny when you've seen it the arena yeah i would i wish i wish when people go which gig would you most like to see if you could time travel what a question the legendary gigs that i used it so i turned up in manchester in 2002 and got to the frog and it was in a real sort of fallow period where mick ferry was a pro alex boorman was a pro tony burgess was a pro and they weren't doing the new comedy night anymore and it was dying there. There was me, Danny Deegan, and some names that you probably wouldn't know now. That's why I started Beat the Frog.

Because the Mondays had got so bad, they were like, we're cancelling it. And I was like, cool, can I have it? And I'll just do it for 30 quid. And I'll take the Comedy Store's format of the gong show. And then we'll change it up for the frog. Five years before that, a monday night they'd had chris addison uh carolina hearn fucking around peter k johnny vegas it's like a list

smug roberts a list of fucking giants who were all just pals fucking around competing with each other and then they were quickly progressed to the weekends. There are builds from the late 90s, 96, 97, where Peter Kay was comparing, Johnny Vegas was on, like a young Mick Ferry was breaking through, Chris Addison was on, Lucy Porter was in and around Manchester at the time,

and probably not doing this justice. That's the show that I would like to like time travel myself back to just see what a Saturday night was apparently it started at like 8.30

sometimes we'll go on to like quarter to midnight because everyone was just fucking around Peter Kay found a lion suit came out smoking a cigarette and compared a whole section

in character as a pissed off lion never went ah ha ha ha I'm just saying he just did a character he was like I'm a fuck and compared a whole section in character as a pissed off lion. Never went, ah, I'm just saying, he just did a character, he was like, I'm a, I hate being a lion. And it's talked about in legendary terms. Where's your time travel gig?

Oh, that's juicy. I think that, time travel gig, i think i'd want to go to and i don't i don't necessarily have the bill right but i've got the club and the time i would want to go to i think the kind of mid 90s the tunnel in in london which was apparently the hardest it was up the creek South London Rich Wilson's told me about it I think well it was what up the creek is now it was the tunnel and this is where like

you know the taxi drivers would go and the audiences would just destroy you but if you got them and I think Mark like I would love to watch Mark Lamar hosting Lamar hosting would just be you know that kind of just that age where it would just be, you know, that kind of,

just that age where it, because that was the time where it was kind of called, called the new rock and roll. Yeah. Like to be there, smoking. Yeah.

And the crowd smoking. Imagine walking out, fucking smoke hitting you. Oh my God. Imagine. I gigged in the smoking era. I did that for a few months. I smoked on stage.

Oh, bad boy. I got a little puke. Oh, I tell you what, like fucking Doug Stano, a 23 year old me, like, do you remember school? Do you remember, like my, I was trying to be a badass, but he was like, do you remember when you were young

and you had to share bath water with your whole family? Yeah your mum would be like who wants my water and you'd be like nah i'm not thirsty pow she meant for a bath oh i twisted up for the joke fucking idiot but i saw i saw you would have gigged with him flanagan you would have given me mickey flanagan yeah yeah like i i was i was going to watch comedy Before I did comedy Flanagan was on And I would watch Mickey Flanagan Open

And I would be turning To whoever I was with And going I do not know How this man is not famous Is it Talion? Yeah I sound tech

So this is the tunnel in the 90s So Eddie Izzard Harry Enfield Legend Is that Mikefield legend Mike Myers Malarkey Myers Jeremy Hardy

God rest his soul look at that Felix Dexter Hugh Dennis a young Hugh Dennis oh my god Jules Holland Jules Holland

just coming down Clive Anderson these are fucking famous Julian Clary would have been there Vic and Bob yeah yeah

no mine would be to see Lee Evans. Lee Evans before anyone knew who he was. Imagine him coming out and doing that. You would be fucking blown away. Who is this nutter? Did you do any of it? Thank God he's not doing it now.

Not on the circuit. Did you do Lee Evans when he was doing the warm-up gigs for his tours? Yes! It's a really strange feeling. Oh, my God. Did you do Lee Evans when he was doing the warm-up gigs for his tours? Yes! It's a really strange feeling. Oh, my God. Did you love it? You were a massive Lee Evans fan, weren't you? Lee Evans was one of the main reasons I ended up doing it.

Lee Evans, oh, yeah, it was a dream come true. This is wanky, right? But it was in the dressing room. I think I'd been on, and he put his hands on my shoulders and told me to believe in myself and that I had what it took and just to believe and not listen to anyone else's advice and honestly he was talking to me it was in Birmingham Glee right the dressing room and he was giving me this this pep talk and kind of in front of his face, like a 90s montage where the footage cross-dissolves and overlaps over each image.

I could see myself putting in his VHS into the VCR, Lee Evans' The Ultimate Experience, whilst he was giving me this advice, and a tear rolled out my eye. I couldn't fucking believe that I had met Lee Evans. I did a weekend with him in Nottingham when he was trying out new material

he was doing like 58 minutes in the middle in the middle Marlon Davis was closing Marlon was so sound about it I think you have to be sort of not on this planet to be like

yeah don't matter Marlon's like I'm not arsed I was like I'd be arsed I was opening got to play to some Lee Evans fans

who were, bless them, really nice. And like, hey! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you could impress them. And then Lee Evans with his writer, and they just had like piles of paper. You know, it's like when you're on the bus, you're like, no, Lee, no one believes

that you're ever on a bus. You've done arenas for 20 years. And he said to me afterwards, he's like, oh, you're ever on a bus you've done arenas for 20 years um and he said to me afterwards he's like oh you're brilliant dan you know it was so it was so humble and so like nervous almost like gave off the energy of a guy who had just started and was like oh how'd you how'd you get onto the circuit and he was like and he went to me he was like oh you're brilliant i love i love what you do it's fucking great and he was like he just really quietly just so the rest of the room couldn't hear just went need to get off the circuit you need to get yourself off the side and you know uh last week when me and ro were talking about it yeah yeah me and ro me and me and ro realized that because

because i've nearly gone there yeah because of this podcast and because of all these lids and because they're buying tickets to see me on tour and because this is paying because of the Patreon, I'm coming off the circuit next month. I'm off the circuit. And when I sort of saw that in my diary... Where's the fucking... There we go.

I did that. I genuinely thought of I thought of Lee Evans and I was like I fucking did it Lee that's sick that's amazing oh man I love that I love that

talking about the comics that sort of just went and were gone don't get me wrong I say I'm off the circuit I just don't need to put in weekends to pay the bills i like adam said we'll both be at circuit gigs but i just won't be doing saturday night when it's bedlam i just don't want to um because i just but lee came back to the circuit and peter k never did yeah just to go back to what we were talking about before we completely lose the train of thought because I'm sneaked out of my mind

he asked around he went where's the best place to do previews for this arena tour and he asked a few of his mates like he still mates with Smug Roberts and like Toby Foster guys that were on Phoenix Knights that are linked to the circuit Archie Kelly

and they gave him a few names like Frog Still Gordon he was like you know Frog Still Good and he was like nah it's too far so he worked out that the Berry Met was a 17 minute drive from his house so he rang the Berry Met the guy that ran it and went can I do some TV warm-ups and the guy would have literally given his kidneys to have Peter Kay do one tall warm-up and the guy was like absolutely he's like when do you want it for he was like for 40 nights in a row so apparently for 30 or for a month the berry met the not the big the small room at the berry met that holds 80 people peter k played there night

after night after night and just went from no show to previewed for a month, tuned it up. The next gig he did after that last Barry Mare was the fucking MEN Arena. And he never, and to just totally back up what you were saying, if you're going to do a run of preview shows, I think there is a, there's almost like a weird mental simplicity about,

where's my closest gig? How far from my house? Are they cunts? No, I will do it 30 times in a row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 40 nights in a row, 80 people. Now, that might have been sort of like, it might be a little bit apocryphal.

It might have been added to, but he did a whole, he just booked it out and sold it. One of those things are like, the people of Bury went, what? And it was sold out in fucking six minutes. Yeah.

I've got my first full preview at the King's Arms in Salford. We'll put the link in the description. It's this Sunday night, Sunday the 15th of May, the first tour preview. I'm doing a handful of these over the summer. Danspreviews.com

if you want to come and watch some of the towns that didn't make the tour and the first one is the brilliant King's Arms in Salford Manchester but Salford they get very touchy

about that it's totally separate it's definitely not you're like M3 yeah can I just say yeah of course sorry I cut you off

to finish the part no no no no not at all. But it's just talking about meeting those people that we grew up watching. I recently got to work with Harry Enfield. Oh, really? Right? And he is, oh, I've been so lucky to meet these people

and work with, well, work with these people. You know, like they say, don't meet your heroes. Harry Enfield is one of the nicest, funniest people I have ever met, right? And I'm working with him and working on his new thing. And I have to leave to go and do a gig in Portsmouth, right? And you've got that respect for your elders, you've got that respect for the people that, you know, who've paved the path before you and all of that shit.

And I said to him, yeah, I've got to head off to Portsmouth. And he went, ah, it's Sean. Who's this? Who's this? So the listeners he kind of just kind of sighed and

flat face wide mouth and just like looked eyes rolled behind his head who's this and I didn't would you have known

what to say I thought what the fuck is I don't know am I meant to know who that is I don't know who is it

he went your audience tonight well Harry Enfield I don't know. Who is it? He went, your audience tonight. Harry Enfield definitely played Portsmouth. Fucking brilliant. Oh, what fun. Yes. We'll take a break and we're back with Stephen Grant,

who gave us like some of our first gigs he booked me for the Brighton Comedian when I was sort of two years in and has always been very generous he must have been involved in your

very first gigs and one of my heroes I used to watch Stephen every week I would go every Sunday to watch him a brilliant comedian an incredible

compare like the absolute antithesis of me who just freestyles dicks around. He's like, I can't really say this in front of Stephen, but it's like watching OCD in action,

isn't it? Oh yeah. He's just got a file of facts. He's like, what do you do? An oncologist. Pow! He's got like eight minutes on it.

And he's run the Brighton Comedia for years and he's just moved on to the Ironworks in Brighton. Well remembered. Look at you. I think, yeah, he's got a new gig because the comedian

are a bunch of twats and probably doesn't want me saying that but I'm allowed to say it he would love that and yeah we've got him after the break

Brighton legend Stephen Grant right enjoy ta-da oh I'm always on the internet me but I wish I could be on the internet

in a different part of the world if only there was something to help Adam well you could fly somewhere or you could travel there digitally using nordvpn.com that's smart makes sense i actually used this last night i watched the villa real versus live pill first leg backstage at sheffield and i've got a nordvpn on my laptop and what i do is i set it to canada then I watch if I had a Canadian broadcaster and now that they're sponsoring our podcast giving our listeners

up to 73% off the packages with the promo code have a word by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word you can literally set your location to anywhere on the planet and then you can watch you can go to like oh I'm in America now you've got American Netflix you can watch

The Good Wife even though it's not on the British one anymore. That's what I want to do. Mad. You can watch footy. You can watch the three o'clock kickoffs. It's revolutionized the watching of sports. Yeah, League One Al Jazeera, get on me. Absolutely.

You can watch Mohamed Salah score goals in Saudi Arabia, and then you get the fucking sick commentary. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You don't have to listen to Steve McMahon, doing all his ingings. Shite. NordVPN.com slash have a word. Promo code have a word. Here we are.

Welcome back. Oh, it's fucking Brighton Connection, isn't it? Mm-hmm. This wasn't, this wasn't like done on purpose. Like, but we've ended up with a fucking Brighton connection Stephen Grant's here

ladies and gents we were saying just before just before the break everyone watching and listening will know

that you are Mr Brighton which sounds gay but you are you are Mr. Comedy Brian. Every year, Mr. Brian gets so many competitors, and trust me, the A game I have to pull out now in my 40s

is really tough. The King. The King of Brighton. What a great place to be a fucking, like, to be the, like, I'm the fucking, the head honcho in Rotherham. That's not necessarily

you know foster's got that wrapped up but yeah i remember watching you at commedia uh the club you made famous in comedy and you uh you worked you had worked it's such a steven thing to do he had worked out that he had played to more people than Fatboy Slim. Every year. Is that? True, yeah. Like Fatboy Slim's the music king of Brighton and you wanted him in his place. He wasn't done deliberately to slap him down.

Though I am friends with Zoe Ball and they were going through a tough time that time, so I would have told her that to reassure her. But reality is, yeah, I worked out over a year I played to more people in Brighton than Fatboy Slim does. Bear in mind that Fatboy Slim does it over a couple of nights. Yeah. If you put that to one side.

Yours took 280 gigs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His was like two on a beach. Not far off it, 200 gigs versus two on a beach, yeah. So Brighton is one of my favourite places. Like, I fucking love it. It's also because early on in my career, I mean, you must have got your first gigs off, Stephen, essentially.

Like, you started, you're from Brighton. Well, Stephen would be, my mum took me to Comedia when I was 17 and I watched him come out and he was wearing a yellow T-shirt and a red Joulet. Joulet. Joulet. Joulet. Joulet. Joulet. I always said Joulet. Red Joulet. come out and he was wearing a yellow t-shirt and a red um jule jule jule jule jule jule jule i always read jule jule jule king of brighton's doing all right he's wearing women around his neck we say gillet oh no you don't you're being silly no we do what before? We say Gillet. Yeah. Instead of what? Gillet. They say Gillet.

They go hard G, hard T. Oh, okay. Gillet. Gillet. Rude. Gillet. I don't know the rule. What's that?

I feel like Sean Paul. It's a fundamental university entrance qualification that they hand them the word Gillet and they ask them to say it. And there's a room out back full of people who say Gillet going, I've no idea what I said wrong. They just literally don't get past the Gillett hurdle

whole of Liverpool being obnoxious like fuck that Gilles are for fucking Tories I'm wearing a Gillett because it keeps my tits warm

yeah it's fair enough but it's not a Gillett and you know it and you're a word nonce so you should know better you're doing it on purpose anyway there you go

it came out crowd work I've never seen crowd work so on because on telly you've got like Lee Evans Jack D

Jeff Green Lee Hurst but obviously you just saw their bitch you didn't see the crowd work someone talk to a crowd and then make things up

blew my fucking mind this is the king of the it's like a computer isn't it you know in the adverts where you see

the kind of electricity go through the microchip yeah it's like a computer, isn't it? You know in the adverts where you see the kind of electricity go through the microchip? Yeah. That's what I imagine his brain does when he thinks of the joke. No, I always think of Stephen's comparing it as a Filofax. It's like a Rolodex. Yeah, the Rolodex. I go, so you say where you're from and you're from where?

I go, we're with you in.01 seconds. And there we go. Though the advantage of Brighton is... Oh, you're a Kenyan vet! I've got my Kenyan veterinarian bit I would be able to do something

on a Kenyan vet oh fuck off it's so intimidating when you're like oh I just wait till someone makes a noise that's funny

and then mimic it and it works very well in Manchester I'm from fucking everyone's like he's fucking great this lad

so you saw he was like the first person you saw like compare live that wasn't like yeah it's the first person i saw compare and also the first person that i saw i mean this isn't offensive but that wasn't fame i didn't know you could do comedy and not be famous and i've kept that real for three years i thought every time i get on the verge of being brightly famous again hang a second this is literally my usp reign it in bad boy yeah yeah yeah rein it in say no to that tell you hi it's bbc one not for me unless it's unless it's something you're putting on bbc three at one a.m i am not interested told them i i had the same thing with dave john Newcastle. When I went to, someone took me to the hyena in the basement

and it was literally like watching up-close magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just watching someone riff and make it up. You're like, fucking hell. Gigging with you in Brighton at the Comedia always had the feel of like, because you were so generous to me. You booked me after like two years.

You saw me in Newcastle and were like, oh yeah, you can come down to Brighton, which is like an honour bestowed on like four northerners a decade. And I got it. Do you want me to tell you now, literally after decades, why I did it? Go on.

Because you just were different. Right. Because there was this like, I don't want to get the North versus South thing. Good's different. Yeah, good different. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. It's 100% different. You've got to be clear. Yeah, no, no, that doesn't actually mean,

well, hang on, there's different types of good because Sean, you'll know me when I talk about this. You'll go and see someone rip a room

in a place full of people who know what they want and expect and they give them what they want and you're just going, eh, I'm not interested,

I'm bored. This is all completely predictable. Then Dan came out and actually was quite interesting and different and had different voices and different takes and stuff

and I thought oh thank god for that I'm not hacky northern shit yeah I'm the first white black northerner word up word up

word up come on you're eight I know I know absolutely come to rhyme very good

but it always had a vibe of like you know hanging out with a pre the vibe of like, you know, hanging out with the prefect. You're like, everyone, like, you're always very generous, but because you hosted and because you booked, you were like, everyone's trying to rip a gig, but when the guy who has booked you is also comparing

and it's such a big room, you're like, got to rip it, you know, because of the crowd and the money and also Stephen's right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to come back to Brighton. So many people would say that they smashed their 10 on a sunday so stick so sun so friday night saturday night all pros pro comics and then sunday night the middle 20 was divided for two 10 spots the tryout spots for comics to go and prove themselves to get the paid spot and so many comics

would say to me that they'd smash their 10 spot, but you wouldn't get back to them. Well, that's because their definition of smashed was because they were trawling out some kind of half-arsed bollocks elsewhere, and then they would be okay. And then they'd come to Brighton with a quite generous crowd who would give them some all right laughs in places,

and that would be their definition of smashed. Normally, the number one route to never getting booked again was coming off after an okay gig and going i absolutely smashed that and i thought your expectation levels are not correct it's going in the other file of facts whereas whereas whereas there will be some acts who would do a fairly decent 10 and get off and all they do is moan about what they got wrong and i think you're gonna go far yeah you're you're because all you've done there is beat yourself up about what you did wrong i like that there's a future another mental when you say oh you're mentally ill you're gonna be

great yeah yeah absolutely i did i did some forces gigs uh sort of 10 years ago and georgina who ran it was quite a big character we got on and we sort of like we had a beer we clashed a few times just because she was a big character but she when you came off and went ah it's fucking annoying which is the nature of comedy isn't it it's infuriating and brilliant and you you're always on the knife edge of something being great or something bollocks and i'd just taken some missteps it was on me i'd gone down the wrong route for a gig and it ended up as a five out of ten and i came off and i was like ah fuck annoying and all the other comics and promoters would know to be like yeah yeah that's it and she came over

and tried to fix it and made an annoying situation so much more annoying she was like cool how can we fix it i was like well you can, because you're not a comedian. Did she say the things that people say to comedians to reassure them, which ultimately make the situation 10 times worse, which is usually things along the lines of, it's okay, I know that works. I've seen you do it elsewhere really well.

Oh my God, yes. And stuff like that. Or, you know, the comments they make, they do a thing like, do you know what? You know what? Don't worry, it's not the crowd. I saw them do really well with someone else.

Oh my God. Never, never, never try and workshop the mental illness of a comedian. Just let us be fucking mental. Absolutely. Did you enjoy it? That's the one. That's the one for me.

How do you think it went? How do you think that went? Oh, that's so cunty. That Sunday night at the brighton comedian which was um such a fucking brilliant night like the longest running night but that's the one i started in 1999 so that one that was going literally fast last millennium it was such a treat because as a lot of comedy weekends you'd go down you do the thursday friday saturday yeah and there'd always be a slightly rough gig somewhere. There'd be a stag do thrown in somewhere. However the weekend had been, on the Sunday night,

you just got the local comedy fans. It was such a nice little tonic at the end of the... And to sum it up, and we've talked a lot about comedy today. We're not going to bang on about it completely. But as testament to that night, I remember a few years ago watching Yuriko Kitaniani who's a japanese comedian do her first 10 in the the spots that you were talking about and then a more experienced comedian going 20 years who was gigging down to prove to you that they actually were worth the work that you'd

obviously not been giving them for about 15 years. What, Buzzley? And I watched, I watched, I watched Yuriko smash it. They loved it. They loved it. They were like,

wow, a Japanese comedian. How interested. And she wasn't perfect because she's new. And then the experience comic came on with all the swagger of like, I've been doing this ages. I'll put her in her place.

And they went, that's fine. And it was, it was as a comic in the the swagger of like, I've been doing this ages. I'll put her in her place. And they went, that's fine. And it was, as a comic at the back, I was like, oh, this is a good comedy club. Because that's real comedy fans, isn't it? Going, fuck it, a Japanese girl. This is really interesting. And then the guy was like, the 2012 Olympics. Who's drinking?

And they weren't even cunts. They just went, fine. Heard it. Yeah. Heard it is a problem. They had heard it written all over their eyes. There were a room full of people who had basically done six shows in Edinburgh. You know that thing where someone goes along to watch a show in Edinburgh

and you think, oh, this stuff's been killing it on the circuit. You do it to a load of other people and they go, I've heard about three variations of that joke already today. Oh, how dare. And Brighton crowds could be a bit like that. But they did love their comedy. And you had to be a bit out there too. But you just had to be original.

And you're original, Dan. Sean, you know, you two are brilliant. We are so original. No, you two are... No, no, hang on a second. You need someone to blow smoke back up your backsides, but you two are brilliant. We are so original. No, you two, no, no, hang on a second. I mean, you need someone to blow smoke back up your backsides, but you are both brilliant comics, you know, and that's not, and both of you are going on about

how other people beg to try and get gigs and how I must be a bit of an arsehole, while both of you acknowledging the fact that you effectively waltzed into doing four weekends. What is the connection there, your good comics? Mate, I totally agreed with your book instance there was no air of criticism absolutely touche to this crowd and touche to you steven yeah my favorite prefect absolutely this six former rocks there's a reason why there's a

reason why many many years after the event when things go a bit pear-shaped at a venue, and you call on friends to help you out, that the people you're calling on are brilliant. Because they're the ones that you went, oh yeah, they're going to go somewhere. And you were right. Yeah. And I'm often right when it comes to things like this. But then that's, I know that's a real up your own arse thing to say.

But the reality of it is, is if I could go back through 20 years ago, not that, this, that, no, that person, no. And there were people, like you say, who were really established you know jobbing comics who were doing the business

everywhere going oh I'll be able to smash this who came and didn't and that's because that was a room full of people who were used to the kind of people I was booking like you two

who were just strong and decent so you've got your new you're now booking your new venue I am is it the Ironworks the Ironworks

it's called the Forge Comedy Club at the Ironworks in Brighton and it called the Forge Comedy Club at the Ironworks in Brighton it's pretty special it looks and works amazingly I've got a few other little spaces

I'm using as well they're quite nice though the Ironworks is kind of the jewel in the crown alright cool I'm going to come down and do a tour show

there next year 2023 yeah you can absolutely could you just quickly put your leg back to where it was right is that is that comfortable like this yeah year 2023 yeah you can absolutely could you just quickly put your leg back to where it was right

is that what is that comfortable like this yeah why why wouldn't it because from where i'm sitting that that looks very odd like this it looks really odd does that look odd to you sport i kind of i actually literally have to stretch my calves all the time because i'm a bit of a weird but steven's thin so i just imagine that all thin people can contort themselves into that position. Okay. Like, I would get breathing difficulties trying to twist like that

because I'm a little fat twat. A little fat twat. I would be... Would you sit like that and... Well, you're sitting like that on a show. I would be self-conscious. I always think people don't have got sciatica and they're just trying to ease it.

What's that, sorry? Like, the position helps you back. Yeah, possibly. I don't know. I genuinely didn't realise this was uncomfortable. No, it's not for you. No, it's not. It's not to anyone else.

This is Sean Walsh. Stop the podcast. They'd be like, can the Stephen Kass question? I give you some crippling hemorrhoids by saying like, you look relaxed I just you look

but I would say I would say you look too relaxed okay I basically had a microphone put in my face in the same way as a guy does to his girlfriend

after a pissed weekend to say come on I mean it's literally right in front of my face I can't lean forward and I move around a lot while talking

so I think all of my energy has gone to the lower half so I stay by the mic so you just tap yeah because this is this is all gonna i'm basically like river dance right now from the waist down i've got to move around but it looks like you know beetle juice in the waiting room when there's there's someone that's cut in half and the legs have been put on another body that's what it looks like that didn't look like i see you've gone for the um an unusual i'm a I'm a wearer of not full socks, and I'm happy that you proudly got them out in front of like 60 or 30.

No, hang on. But they don't go all the way up, do they? They are full socks. No, they're not. No, that's not full socks. That's a full sock. Show me how far that goes up. No, come on.

That's it. That's as far as it goes. That's a half sock. It's a mid. That's a half sock It's a mid That's a half sock That's a mid Oh Yeah

How high does a full sock go? Dick Dick height Short will go to the Balls You can nestle one testicle In the top of a good sock Surely

You can take your fucking meal deal out In a football sock Have your first born in there with it Like eat watsits No That's a I mean this is a This is Like meal deal out in a football sock have your first born in there with it like it wots it I mean this is a this is like oh that's a no sock no I am wearing socks

I wasn't just showing you my fucking ankle to be like I'm not wearing socks what have you got on that's a regular sock oh god that's uncomfortable they are the most uncomfortable shoes to wear in. Do you know what you've got on there? Yes, they are.

The most uncomfortable. Awful. Yeah. Right. Hang on. Someone explain this to me. Why would you wear uncomfortable shoes? To wear them in because they look nice.

Yeah, but this is it. It's shoes, isn't it? Shoes. I mean, shoes are really important. Your feet are knackered. Don't want to be in your like late 50s barely able to walk going didn't I look good

in my mid 30s that's exactly what I wanted so glad I was born a man oh god my wife's feet are in fucking tatters she regularly she regularly

has to go to another woman who hacks at them rubs them saws them sands them down costs fucking money and she comes back

and she shows me her foot and goes, oh my God, she's done wonders. Look at my foot. And then they're like, they look a bit battered as opposed to completely battered. And then I look at what she's wearing. What's the sandals? The sandals that girls wear.

It's just like a fucking, it's like three millimetres of just, there's nothing there. What the fuck? Just get some new balance between your toes no I'm talking about the actual flat bit

that's between the foot and the ground yeah they look like the kind of thing that you bind a book in they're just like a thin sheet of leather that's all it is

yeah sort of thing like you know basically you're saying oh I want to get my photo album sort of like imprinted

and it's like you get that thin bit of leather and there's a strap on it and if you're lucky they'll put some jewels on top of the strap so that if that rubs against the top of your toes I'm going to get my photo album sort of like imprinted. And it's like that. You get that thin bit of leather and there's a strap on it. And if you're lucky, they'll put some jewels on top of the strap. So that rubs against the top of your toes so they can bleed as well as the bottom of your heels. The last men in history that wore, there was Spartacus and his gang like 2000 years ago. And then I'm like, we need some kind of padding here.

What's it? It looks like a Roman flip flop. So I just don't, I absolutely hate being told what to wear for certain situations. Yes. Gigs or ceremonies. But it's one of the advantages of this job, isn't it? There is no uniform. Yeah, but then there are... Unless you're with a certain agency that expects you to go out in a suit.

Okay, yeah, but it's like... You know what I mean? to go out in a suit. Okay, yeah, but you know, it's like... What do you mean? Court, court, you can't just rock up in your fucking,

your gym shoes, can you? I mean, you... That's a period... They're adding to this. Periods does matter. Right. Court, weddings, you've got to play the game

a little bit. We've got Paul Smith's wedding in a few days. What are you wearing, though? I'm going... Nice jacket, shirt, no tie. What? See? You can't go no... You can't go no tie. I'm at a jacket shirt no tie what see

you can't go no no I'm at a comics wedding tomorrow I bet you don't know which comic quite well known and we know I don't

go on comic he's getting married for the second time tomorrow oh they were always getting married for the second

this is Paul's second one there isn't a comedian getting married for the first time well I said I said that as well I said I turned to someone said I'm off to their wedding't a comedian getting married for the first time. I said that as well. I turned to someone and said, I'm off to their wedding. I said, I think it's the first wedding I've been to where I've been to someone's second wedding.

Have you been to anyone's wedding for the second time? So you were at their first wedding and you're now going to their second wedding. So Paul Smith, I wasn't first wedding. You weren't at the first wedding. Who was it? This is my second Paulul smith wedding in three years right okay you got like a naughty card good luck good luck to both paul and laurie on their

beautiful journey i've met paul's now new wife and let's not make any jokes because she don't fuck around well i made this point about the fact that it's the second one i'm going to and someone said no it's not i went well which one is it? And he goes, you must know. I wrapped my brain. I said, I give up. He went, yours. I said, I've been married twice. I forgot the fact that, of course,

I've been at both of my weddings. So yeah, I forgot that one. Yeah, so I've been married twice. So hang on. Are you no tie in it for the day, as in the ceremony? Am I on the fucking top table? No.

No. There's sartorial rules, Dan. For the morning, for the wedding, you need a tie. For the morning, the ceremony's at 2 p.m okay suck suck suck my balls for the ceremony you need a tie 100 i definitely do not you know why because it's paul smith's wedding it's not the archbishop of canterbury's wedding. That didn't make sense. But there is a level of formal behaviour that I'll be like, oh, if I have to. For a fucking scouser who's marrying a brummie,

kiss my fucking hole. What's he wearing? He's wearing a fucking bow tie. Of course he is, because he wants to appease her. She's fit. Laurie Carroll, I'll fucking wear anything. She was like, you've got to wear dungarees. I'll be like, of course, love.

You're fucking gorgeous. But as I'm just getting pissed, I don't have to wear a fucking... No, but you're not getting pissed in the church. You will be the only one at that wedding, only man at that wedding, not wearing a tie. I guarantee it. In the day. £50 bet.

£50 bet right now, Sean Walsh. Come on, we all know what agency you in take it off the next fucking three-piece suit 50 pound bet right now make that bet you're you yeah i'll tell you what i'll tell you what a different a different bet a different bet all right i will not be the only person at that wedding and it not wearing a tie now if i am the only person not wearing a tie you can give me the quote for my next poster at the Fringe. However, if there is one person not wearing a tie, I get to write your quote for your poster.

No way! That is not good odds. No way! No way! Always take the field. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is madness. No.

All right, one word. Okay, you, no, no, no, no. That is insane. That is madness. No. All right, one word. Okay, you can do a full quote. One word. One word. One word. Dan Nightingale. They have one word podcast.

Gobshite. Dan Nightingale. Have a word. From what age? From what age? 18. From an adult. Yeah.

And this is- I imagine- Oh, that's going to look good, isn't it? Scousers are like- Yeah, we like to look good. We want to look good. I've got a tie, Dan. I can't imagine a parent or a family member allowing a scouser to go to that wedding

without wearing a tie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From your fucking confirmation. Get it on. Get it on. No on no how bad am i gonna look trawling around just asking all the young looking people who aren't wearing ties like how old are you how old are you what age are you are you over 18 yeah so what are your jacket he's under 18 yes are you opening it for a bit of fucking ham. Come on. Oh, yeah. One word on my poster.

I get one word. I have to let this through the agency so that when I have to explain to them how this works, it'll have to be small if I lose this bet, but it will be on the poster. What, are you trying to fuck me over with terms and conditions? Like a payday loan company? Sean, I would have kept quiet about it.

You can absolutely finger your mum. If you can't specify font, just go for it. Terms and conditions apply. We can't finger your mum, by the way. Shake my hand. Yes, you are fucked. I should have said that. By the way, you can't go around telling people

to take their ties off. Stephen, I will not allow that. Stephen, you're now looking so relaxed. I'm worried you're going to nod off during the podcast. This is odd. I actually think you're hiding. It's odd. I love how relaxed he is.

That's like 5am, everyone else has gone to bed. And it's just you and someone else you've never met on a sofa. Just going, so how long have you not spoken to your dad for? You've got some fun parties here. You always end up on dad's chat. Do you? I'm going, Dan, the other day when we were drunk, you did that.

Of course. And I cut out the episode of the lock-in. What? You were drunk. Oh, yeah. I mentioned dad's. Dad's always come up. Early hours of the morning.

Sun coming up. Dad's up. It's a weird little wrinkle in this podcast where talking about Rose dad is probably the easiest version of dad chat. Mine is like, whatever.l's is a bit fucking tricky adam's life is definitely the most dramatic of everyone's but when it comes to that it's like safe ground safe ground with rowey bags what color are you going then i'm interested i've got two

suits right and three pairs of shoes why is everyone looking at me like I am some degenerate? Tell me, you're going to this wedding. Junior Simpson's wedding. You're going to Junior Simpson's wedding? Yeah, tomorrow. Fucking amazing. I know.

Amazing. I know. Are you wearing a tie? Are you wearing a tie, Stephen? Just, you know what? I hadn't thought about it until you brought it up. Don't wear a tie.

Can I say this? Why? Because this will go out after his wedding yeah um but um when i'm choosing my clothing i actually i've got to nip up the road for a gig that evening so i'm there for the afternoon for the ceremony and then there's obviously no one really notices if you disappear for 35 40 minutes so it literally is up the road i've just checked it's about 20 minutes drive so i'm a 20 minutes drive i'm gonna nip up do a gig and then come back again so i'm picking wedding clothing but at the same time it's got to be something i could wear on

stage so it's got to be formal enough for a wedding but informal enough for a stage so it's that suit that a lot of comics who aren't hugely successful don't suit right which is where you buy it and you sort of go does this cover everything is this does this suit do do weddings court press conferences and and tv gigs that's my suit my god but then but that's that's you know everyone loves a utility suit So you're slightly underdressed for the wedding slightly overdressed for the gig. Yeah, okay You can't you can't gig in a corsage can you no no and the idea of bringing two suits with me for an evening Of course I do I not mean a cause I mean Yeah, the little flower you have flowers a corsage see this why do you know what that is?

American films. Yeah, all right friends. Yeah, okay. So what have you have to wear. A flower is a corsage. See, this is, why do you know what that is? American films. Yeah. Oh, right. Friends. Yeah. Okay. Sean, have you been to many weddings? No.

No. Yours? Yes, mine. Both? McCaffrey's. No, it's the second one. The second one. McCaffrey's.

Yeah. Someone else's. Don't look at me. You went to my wedding. Sean, you won't, if you listen, you won't. The little look of fear when Sean was like, fuck,

I don't know how to go to Nightingale's. Yours? Did you talk at McCaffrey's? Did I talk? No, Matt Ford did. Matt Ford did? Yeah.

Okay, fine. Did you watch Matt do it and think, I'd like to have said a few words or did you think? No, he's so mental. Who wants to,

I'm not that mental. Who wants to do the best man speech? Sean doesn't want to gig at comedy gigs. God forbid that he has to gig at a wedding. This is very true. I said to him, I was like, I nearly had a gig organised for you after the podcast records, and he went, oh, God, don't ruin it.

Sean, do you want to nip up here and do a quick 20 minutes best man speech? Yeah, exactly. By the way, they are grim. It's grim doing a speech in a world. I'm the same as you. Because I've still got friends who are outside of our little weirdly, weirdly kind of causative sphere of comics and the comics world. And so I've still got friends from different worlds.

And they wrote me on their weddings and they asked me to do the speech because they think oh I've got a comic I'll get this for free and so you end up doing the speech and you end up invariably dying

because people's expectation levels go through the roof when you do it and it's a weird death because you're around people who are in such a good mood

and you ruin it and then you end up doing the speech because you can't do material you can't do material and you can't punch down is the problem because a lot of comedy

is sort of going, that person up there needs to be taken down a few pegs. That person down there, we shouldn't laugh, but let's have a laugh. None of that's allowed.

And people are stood and there's kids and there's elderly people and swearing, apparently not acceptable. So there's so many reasons it doesn't work. What, you can't swear

in the best man's speech? You can a little, but it's tough because Fuck that. Exactly. What's happening, motherfucker? But the other thing is speech? You can a little, but it's tough because... Fuck that. Exactly, but... What's happening, motherfucker? But the other thing as well is, because you mentioned right at the beginning,

the Comedia, Comedia in Brighton, because Brighton is a night out for people in the surrounding areas. It's quite often a first or a second date location. It's because it's kind of, you know, you've got little tables together and food and drink, and it's like, oh, I'm taking you to kind of a high-profile club.

So the amount of times I get an email through saying hi me and my partner had our first date at uh commedia well we're getting married now and we thought it'd be brilliant if the our favorite comic of the night came along and did a speech and i love what they're thinking that'd be a beautiful thing to do yeah and then i have got nearly a predetermined script i can cut and paste to tell people why it's, I love your idea but it's a terrible idea. Yeah, it's dog shit.

Awful. But people can't see it and they always think, oh, why wouldn't you do that for us? Because, you know what, if I have a bad night at a gig,

I've had a bad day at the office. If I have a bad night at your wedding, I've ruined the biggest day of your life. Let me tell you how much money it will take for me to be okay with that. Do you know, Adam quotes 10 grand now. 10 grand, do you want? And they take for me to be okay with that. Do you know Adam quotes

10 grand now? And they're like, well, yeah, that seems a lot. He prices them out and if they're stupid enough to say yes, he's like,

well, I'll have them. Yeah, but there's a stupid enough to say yes figure. For a wetter? Yeah. I'm booking him. I'm getting Adam.

My stupid enough to say yes figure is two and a half. And at that level, I will sleep okay watching people's day ruined. And it's not the bride and groom, and it's not their friends. It's all of the family. The look of annoyance in granddad's eyes. He thinks you've ruined their wedding.

You're like, no, they were all at the front laughing. They booked me. The Cheesemans, Leeds, 2008. I appreciate you guys. The Cheesemans. I mean, you will never forget

disappointing a wedding party like that, but it makes it so much easier to remember them when their surname is The Cheesemans. And they still come and say hello now. They're like, hey, it's The Cheesemans. And they still come and say hello now. They're like, hey, it's The Cheesemans.

And all I can remember is Grandad at the back going, what the fuck is this? Cheeseman? The Cheesemans. Was your opening line of the lines of like, well, she must love him because she's got a dog shit surname now. Cheeseman. The Cheesemans.

What's her name? Carrie. Carrie Cheeseman. It sounds like she's an order. Carrie Cheese. Carrie Cheese Man. Paneo, isn't it? Carrie Cheese Man.

Carrie Cheese Man. 201 The Weekend. Table 12, one curry and cheese. Carrie Cheese Man. I fucking hate it. What's his name? Oh my God. I would never do that.

Mr. Cheese Man. Mr. Cheese Man. Don't talk about the fact that Sean doesn't like doing a gig even after this podcast. I went and saw you try out some new stuff

at one of Math's gigs outside the box and you have this beautiful routine about I was hoping tonight would be cancelled. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About like this,

you know, that Sophie and I thing where you're just desperately hoping there's going to be a text coming through saying you're on. I'm not doing your

material justice, obviously. I think you've got a need into it. And I think that it's funny if comics, if everyone's going, it's good to be here, I thought it'd be funny to say it's not good to be here. It's not good to be anywhere. I'd rather be at home.

But you do. But the thing was, I've been watching it and everyone laughing going, oh, what a lovely take. And I'm going, no, I've known Sean E. You've never heard him say something more from the heart in your entire life. He's angry he left his lounge, let alone his house.

Even the journey from the sofa is annoying attrition. This is the fact that he's here. I remember watching it just laughing my guts out, thinking I've never heard him be more honest. Today, you've been looking forward to this. But would you, like... That's so presumptive! That's so presumptive!

Sean's like, oh, I'm really looking forward to this but would you like yeah and you because because it's it's it's because sean's like oh i'm really looking forward to admit but i said you still would rather be at home though wouldn't you do you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna i said to grace my message i said to grace last night i said this is the first time i've looked forward to the next day in ages i actually look forward to this lovely how does she is she positive? What? Should we go to the park tomorrow? Yeah, fine. A week later. Do you know what?

Tomorrow's the first day I've looked forward to an agent. She's gone through every single thing you planned together going, shit, shit, shit. It was our anniversary a fortnight ago, Sean. Where's your happy place? I know it's the bath, maybe the bath, but where do you want to be most happy? Did bath maybe the bath but where do you meet your most happy did I say the bath

last time massage did I have I said that wrong no no no no no it wasn't the misbearing we say lad

massage massage take your gillets off lad get a massage yeah because I'm going to give you a hand job a job's a taxi

massage walking walking is a happy place walking yeah walking around west london with a nice coffee that's it that's it i'm really i'm fucking dull i've worked not drank now three years i am fucking dull i realized all the stuff that i loved doing when i was shit-faced i had to get shit-faced to love doing it turns out that I don't love doing any of the stuff that I was doing shit-faced. I just like walking and being quiet.

Do you hate audiences more now you don't drink? Do I hate them more? I don't hate the audiences. Not hate them more, but do you feel that? I hate the audiences. But if someone comes up to you at the end of a gig and they're drunk, right, as invariably they will do, to chat to you, when you were a drinker

did you have a bit of empathy for them that you've now lost because you're not drinking no it's a good very good question but no you don't lose any empathy you want everyone to have a good time you did them before and i still do i hated them pissed and now i despise them sober expression i just yeah no i think do you know what? I can't remember. Audiences terrify me. I think I'm a quite unique comic in that whenever I speak to any other comedian, they're never as scared of the audience as I am.

I've never met anyone that's as petrified of the audience as I am. Most comics have spent 20 minutes or more telling a room full of people that they're lesser than them. So once you get off and meet them, you feel like you have some kind of inherent leftover superiority. So it's odd to be scared of them. They absolutely, they just terrify me.

So more so since you've quit the boozing, are you hype, are you even more aware? Do you know what? I don't want to bring it to this, but here it is. Since Strictly Come Dancing and the amount of me and the amount of hatred

that was put my way, once people that you've never met have made you feel like that, it's very difficult and obviously i've had lots of therapy and blah blah blah and the medication and all the shit it's very difficult to rewire your brain to before a place when so i did the royal albert hall to back to some innocence it's important i did the royal albert hall uh a big charity gig a nice one with like rob beckett and romesh and Tom Allen and before

they wanted me to open and I was saying I was saying I honestly I fucking freaked myself out I went I went I really don't think

I should open this I said this is a mainstream audience they've not seen me since Strictly they don't know what's happened the last thing they've heard

is that I'm a cunt and then I was gone and then I'm coming back up they don't know if they're meant last thing they've heard is that i'm a cunt and then i was gone and then i'm coming back up they they don't know if they're meant to like me like my tour that's different but this is a big gig tom allen these are bbc one comics and i'm going out and and then rob and joe were going oh they love you i fucking i had a proper pan i left the building i walked i'm fucking 5 000 people this I couldn't get this out of my head going. We hate you. We hate you. And I was just like.

5,000 and one, I was there. But that, that just, I couldn't get out of my head. And everyone's trying to calm you down. And all you can hear is 5,000 people go, we hate you. And you're like, I can't fucking do this. And I went back and i said you've just got to leave me alone i'll go out but i'm i'm now gone my i can't talk i'm gone and then luckily my agent came in and went and looked to me and went there's no fucking way he's

opening the show because i was just in bits and i i don't think i was like that before strictly i think i was up for i was up for, I was up for, but once you've, you've felt that, you can't unfeel it. It's fucking terrifying. Right. PTSD. Holy shit.

There you go. That's something we can't ever imagine. Honestly, yeah. You can't imagine. That makes me want to walk around West London with a coffee. Exactly. It does.

A massage, you know, anywhere where I can shut a door and be locked away from the world is where I feel safer. One masseuse going, I fucking hate you. But they use the anger, like, get in there. Come on, Sing Sing. I asked Adam, do you get feedback during massages?

As in like verbal, that is a great message. Are you a silent messer? Are you like, oh, or like you just you take it good or bad such a good question you're not allowed to make noises like that you're not allowed to go ah no you're allowed to go oh that's nice or like ow don't you I don't but I wish I did because it's such it's it's such a social you've hurt me ill bow it's such a social thing to give feedback

if you're talking I'll nod and go yeah yeah but when someone's doing something like that and you lie there in silence I'd be thinking if I was there

does he like this or no so I'm always thinking to go I do like this by the way oh no I just make sure at the end I always get that was fantastic do you not talk to them

me and my fuck off so are you silent I'm absolutely and sometimes when they're going particularly hard I don't want to make the noise That was fantastic. Do you not talk to them? Me and Mike. Fuck off, Ian. So are you silent? I'm absolutely. And sometimes when they're going particularly hard, I don't want to make the noise. That's what I mean, yeah.

No, no, no. If they could see my... They should have a camera through that hole so that you could see your face. Because I'm going like this. Yeah. We always think the hole looking down, that little face. You don't make a noise, do you?

Me and Teresa when she does the massage if she goes if it ever hurts too much you just we just worked out early she was like I want the pressure

to be about 8 out of 10 if it ever gets 7 out of 10 I've never understood this if she says if it gets to 8 let me know

so I go 8 8 ok so so I get sports massage because I do a lot of endurance sports and she says to me it should never hurt more than seven out of ten so i will ask you how much it hurts out of seven and i always go six point eight yeah and she just says her life is just a series of

six point whatever's right because nobody ever wants to say it's too hard rein it in but everyone's to say everyone's to say like a German abuse victim nine nine nine I have never understood when you are filling out a form to do with pain

at the doctors if you're ill and they go how much does it hurt from one to ten how do I know is ten deaf is ten deaf

if ten is dead how do I know what it's like to be nearly dead? I've never been dead. I can't know what 10 is. 10 is the worst thing you've ever experienced pain in your life. But I don't know if the worst pain I've felt

is the worst pain anyone has felt. What do I know? 10 is 5,000 people going, we hate you, Sean. That is terrifying. His agent comes in, take him down to an eight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God.

Off the curb after every massage. What are you wearing, Sean? Okay, what's the most pain you've been in one to ten? What, during a massage? No, no, no, anything, life. What is the most pain you've been in one to ten? What? During a massage? No, no, no. Anything. Life. What is the most pain you've been in one to 10? How can you answer it? Doesn't make any sense.

The question doesn't make any sense. Okay. But I know what excruciating pain is. What is it? When I had my toenail removed. I've heard that as well. Have you got nine toenails? Or did it grow back?

Right. I have. I have 9.2 because where they put in the poison or whatever poison to kill the nail bed they didn't put it in so I have nine toenails and then one it's like

it's desperately on my big toe where there was an ingrown toenail I've got this like weird lump that goes back like how could be a toenail

so they put that in mine and I've got no toenail right yeah that's it yeah none no I've got no toenail. Right. Yeah. That's it? Yeah. None.

No, I've, no, we don't. No, it's too relaxed. All right, that is too relaxed.

Yeah, not with the way you've been sitting. it would freak Sean out so much. Just, just your posture has freaked him out.

So yeah, so that was in my top as well. so, um, pliers, clamp, and pull.

as fuck off, right? Yeah, it's like, it's like, they gave me an injection. But the, So that was in my top as well So Pliers, clamp And pull Fuck off Right Yeah it's like They gave me an injection But the shock to the system from it Is so great That when I screamed People walking past in the street Through a closed double glazed window

Apparently looked up To work out what was going on I went through walls Yeah That's how bad it was The fibregate turned up Unbelievable They gave me an injection

in my tart it was GCSE results day back in 97 shout out 1997 yeah 1997 Wrestlemania 12 exactly

13 nearly said that sorry Wrestlemania 13 weird talent that's how I measure time when did Lady Diana die oh Wrestlemania 12

yeah Wrestlemania 12 that's such a weird talent yeah thank you for calling it a talent and the way you said that it sounded like Wrestlemania 12 yeah Wrestlemania 12 that's such a weird talent yeah thank you for calling it a talent and the way you said that it sounded like Wrestlemania 12 was your first gig

yeah that's right yeah yeah what Wrestlemania was the streak ended oh Wrestlemania 30 that's amazing just to let you know

what pain I'm in now 10 Wrestlemania 10 talking about Wrestlemania I'm at 9 go on erm

yeah it's I don't know Because people are going to feel Screamish but The As a child 16 year old They were like

Okay this is what they do In the injections And I was like That's more Like it went It felt like The injection Went in my toe

And came out the other side It was like And then The real pain stopped That felt like a 10 What did you do to it For the Yeah It was an ingrown toenail Oh Because I was 16 15 And I And then the real pain stopped. That felt like a 10. What did you do to it? Yeah.

It was an ingrown toenail. Because I was 16, 15. And I had the ingrown toenail for over a year. But what do you do at school when you're 15? You just play football. Yes. Constantly. Constantly.

I'm not totally useless on my left foot. Don't get me wrong. I'm not great. Because during that year, I had to start kicking with my, I had to start shooting with my left side because I had an ingrown toenail on my right. So the most you've pained. Are you two-footed because of pain?

No, I'm not. That's an overkill. But like, I would have always been right, right, right. Like Jermaine Pennant. But hang on, the most pain you've been, the most pain you've been in was at 16 years of age. Yeah, I've had a hard life I think no that's great

yeah that's great that means since you're 16 nothing's been that painful you've never felt that pain since 16 that's not the right way round how old were you? well the worst pain

that was high for me the worst pain for me ever was when the when the nerve blockers came off when they drilled steel screws into my collarbone. So that was...

Have you seen this? Well, I don't know if you've played this game before, but Stephen wins. Yeah, it's Stephen wins. Want to see it? This is all metal. Stephen, stop trying to get naked on our podcast. Stop stripping.

We know you're from Brighton. I've never done a podcast with a camera. Well, things have... This is how you become the King of Brighton. Want to see where? This is where I was in pain. What strange strip do you wanna see my toe

or my collarbone collarbone this is it fucking Adam Hills yeah out comes the leg yeah and then he wins the funny thing is

you always say that before you do it the leg out to say I don't normally do this I don't think I've ever seen him not do it Adam but if you don't know

what we're talking about Australian comedian monoped adam hills one of the best guys one is that what it's called monoped yeah monoped yeah what happens if you've got two legs uh you're biped like all of us bipeds yeah yeah apart from adam hills okay only adam hills in fact to be fair it's it's it's only from the knee isn't it So he's kind of got 1.4. We love a decimal, don't we, on this particular podcast. Right.

There we go. Let's call a little intervalle. Everyone in pain? Anyone in pain? One to ten. What have you got? I reckon I'm constantly free. Pussy.

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That is stitchfix.co.uk slash word. Go there today and fix your stitches. Um. I don't know. With go there today and fix your stitches The old Portsmouth face And just looking good Sean I didn't mention it before if that's not the thumbnail then you've disappointed me Just it. I don't know if anyone knows just want to reiterate we are sponsored by sneak whoa yeah who yes sneak the energy drink sneak something that i'm quite into all right but just wanted to let you know all right so uh if you order it in the creator code use word 10 and for a discount code the first 50 of the month we'll get uh 10 off use code word 10

that's just for the audio listeners uh let's do a would you rather should we do some would you rather mama like that uh luke han says you would you rather start every conversation for the rest of your life with hey fuck face or end every conversation with haha just kidding by the way would you rather they're all powerful they last forever and you cannot say neither no of course me or steven who's going everyone everyone i'm well i know you're just going to have just kidding let's just straight straight up okay what about if you get moneyed let's just straight straight up okay what about

if you get moneyed yeah you never I will haha just kidding why do you say I will because it's I will it's not I do no one said

I do that's a fallacy you say I will if you ever get accused of murder there's no way of defending yourself in court

did you kill that person no no haha just kidding I think hey fuckface could be uh i think it could be your thing you know like meeting the end you know like paul chowdery's is what's happening white people something white people yeah so many white people yeah what about me hey i don't know

you're going strong hey you're not going to get a huge amount of work are you when you're going for a meeting something like that we're really excited to have you on this project i think you know you are going to be the great figurehead for this new charity hey face yeah thanks very much for coming in i think as a comedian it's the best best you know job to have hey faces go on sorry carl i interrupted you the caveat to that would be oh i love your brand i'd really like to work with you just kidding haha just kidding hey hey fuck face hey fuck face i think would it just shock people they would be so shocked that they would think that yeah you're doing banter yeah yeah oh my god is it a thing am i part of a thing no it's probably a thing i think some of them would then start

their sentences with hey fuck face yeah i think it's that's the way to go absolutely it's ha ha just kidding because what you can do is add to the end of every sentence the opposite of what you actually meant and then put ha ha just kidding

and then so what you could say is like do you know what I absolutely love no hang on a second I would love to I would love to I'd love to support

this charity they've been very close to my heart these sort of children need our support and I love them very much think they should be run over by a train

ha ha just kidding and then what you do is you put in the opposite of what you mean you put it oh just kidding at the end of it it becomes tiresome very quickly but at least you don't mean the opposite of what you said this is this is what i'm talking about ocd in action sat right there would you rather work it this is for you working sean take this seriously working marks and spencers for three months exclusively on the returns desk or do six months jail time in a low security prison

with a pre-sentencing assurance of no bum rape. So... Assurance! So... I just want to do the joke saying that as well. There's minor crime, no bum rape. No record? No record? Does the record get wiped okay so it's one of those weird six

months jail yeah things where it's like ah you've been great you get expunged for good behavior who wouldn't pick prison who wouldn't who wouldn't my wife would be so annoyed if she found out that instead of working at a Marks and Spencer's, which is honestly, there's a big one, 10 minute drive from us, 12 minutes. And it's got loads of parking. Where's the nearest prison to you? What's the easiest commute?

She's got to visit you. Yeah, she does. Fresh meat. I'd take the jail time. Yes! See, I'm folding. Would you have to fold the clothes at returns? Oh, you might not.

If you don't have to fold the clothes, what are you doing? That's the only issue. The only issue is dealing with annoying old women. You thought people in the Albert Hall hated you. I'm in Christ. It's a queue of people coming to tell you why they hate you. Oh, it's a line of Karen's. This doesn't fit. Yeah, but for Oh, it's a line of currents. Oh. This doesn't fit.

Yeah, but for me, it's the folding the clothes. In TK Maxx. I haven't got the card I paid on. Oh. Where were you? I've been waiting here ages. When I worked at TK Maxx, I was so nervous about folding clothes that when it got to suits, I was like, oh, fuck, how do I fold?

And no one showed me how to fold a suit. I didn't know. I was like 16 or whatever. And someone put down a suit and I just leant in. They must have thought this was so weird. Have I told you this? No. I leant in and I said, listen, if I de-tag this, if you fold it and put it in a bag,

I'll just, I'll let you go through. Fuck. You gave him a free suit? Yeah. Just so I didn't. So that I just didn, if you fold it and put it in a bag, I'll let you go through. Fuck. You gave him a free suit? Yeah, just so I didn't have to fold it. I'll give you 100% discount if you let me just ball this up and put it in a bag. You can steal this legally. Just so I don't have to...

What did they say? Yeah, all right then. They were so confused. But they didn't understand my anxiety of, I couldn't stand, I didn't want to be seen not knowing how to fold a suit. That just petrified me. So I just said, look, I'll give you this for free if you fold it and put it in the bag.

Prison sounds so much easier. Exactly. Just sit down. No rape. It's just bed. You basically said... It's a well-known fact that working at TK Maxx

aren't very expensive. They're against it. They're against it. No, no, no. But that question, what that question actually says is, do you want to work or do you just want to lie in bed

for six months? Lie in bed for six months. That's what it is. That's what the question actually is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but there's no lovely walks in the West End of London with a coffee.

There's the yard. There's the yard. Yeah. Fine. Fuck retail. That'll do. So you've gone for the comedy answer and once

again it looks like the two of you had your little chat. It's not a comedy answer. It's prison. It's prison.

But there's no record and I don't get bum rates. Low security. Come on, it's mainly library. Okay, fine. So it's like an open prison then, so it's not so prison but there's no record and i don't get bum rate low security come on it's mainly like okay fine so it's like an open prison then so it's not so bad no no it's a cat c it's a cat c so you've got to stay in what's cat c you can't leave can't leave oh no you can't leave all right okay it's not just a fucking it's still prison yeah but there's a court but like you know you could work on the returns desk and you still got the weekends you still got your evenings you'll see your family and stuff like that i mean mean, you might not want to, but you know.

It's just selling it. But there was a key thing in that question that makes me take the prison option and that there's an insinuation there that working on the returns desk might involve bum rape. So it's for that reason, because it didn't say returns desk with no bum rape. So as far as I'm concerned,

if you get bum raped for three months because you took the M&S option, you would feel so gutted. I'm like, Dan, Sean, raped for three months because you took the M&S option, you would feel so gutted. I'm like, Dan, Dan, Sean, how are you?

Do you know what? We've had a really refreshing six months in prison. What about you? Can't sit down. Yeah, yeah. Just return after return. Wow.

I don't want the money back on my card. None of you know what prison's like. I get to lie down for six months. That's not prison. They wake you up.

Tell us about prison, Carl. Never been. Yeah, exactly. They wake you up at six a.m. Tell us about prison, Carl. Never been. Yeah, exactly. They wake you up. You don't just let your lie in, but you wake up. Low security sounds nice, though, doesn't it? Hang on, what? They wake you up?

Yeah. Why? Just so they can look at you and keep an eye on you. Shut up. No, they don't. And your door says... You can't have a lie in. No.

My understanding of low security is that you just, it's a nice time when you come out with a B-tech. Yeah. Six form? Yeah that's true No you can't have a line though Why do they wake you up? That is just me Because it's prison It's a punishment

I know I broke the law But this is uncouth What do you think the point of prison is? What's the point? This is a deep question. What do you think the purpose of prison is? To not get raped at Marks and Spencer's. To not get raped at Marks and Spencer's.

Do you think it's to be punished or to learn? Oh, very good. I think punished. There's four reasons for prison. So that's why they wake you up early? Then, do you know what? Fair enough. Go on, Stephen.

The four reasons of prison are to be punished, deterrent, to keep you away from society if you're arrested and to rehabilitate you. Yeah. So it's got to do all those four things. And to get a B-Tech in hospitality management. So if you have a lie-in, then it's not a deterrent because people will go, oh, I'd love a lie-in. So they've got to make it deliberately difficult.

Yeah, okay. Sounds like the fucking Daily Mail. It wouldn't be deterrent because you're just not paying bills or cooking food for six months. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be a not nice environment.

It sounds better than some of the hotels I've stayed in during my 20 year comedy career. That sounds like a fair point. If you've been in the big sleep in Cardiff, there's a large part of you that thinks, I mean, shoplifting wouldn't have been this bad. We do day release. Can I do night release?

Just a 20 minute drive. Wearing your fucking prison overalls. Well, he's dressing up for prison, but down for the king. Oh, did you see me, did you see me messaging the group? Did I? Yeah.

Which one? It's a great one. That one, that one that was dead good. I want us to get a Death Row pen pal. Right. For the podcast. Oh yeah, I saw that and ignored it. Why?

You want to write to someone in America. I want us to have a pen pal on death row as a podcast i mean write to them once a month cool do they write definitely the thing about those podcasts is at least they've got a definitive aim hello yeah because the problem with those podcasts is they just keep going later at which point does it jump the shark At what point does every podcast start going downhill? That one only goes up and up and up. And then it does? I think it'd be great, because you'd be like,

oh my God, I'm on, like... That is a great idea. I've got, by the way, I've got a great story that I would never normally tell, but this is the sort of podcast for it, to do with the fact that I had a friend who worked for a local, Brighton Argus,

quite well-known local newspaper in Sussex, and she got contacted by women saying, look, I've been given a terminal diagnosis of a terminal condition yeah this is the two kids on this one and and and I've always wanted to write a column for a newspaper I've only got a few months left would it be possible for me to write um a weekly column just about my experiences and everything and how I'm trying to be positive for everything that's going on and they they said, yep, yep, okay, absolutely. So there's the first column

and it's just written really badly. And they said, look, okay, fine, we're going to have to do a little bit of editing on this. So they hand-hold her a bit, they go, there's a bit of a point and we'll just edit ourselves, whatever. And the next week, she goes, you know, and then things have gone a bit downhill,

my diagnosis is not very good. And then the third week when it was like, kind of like this might actually be my last column, they're thinking, oh, this is quite tragic. But, you know, it's getting a lot of traction and this is a good thing for us to have done anyway. Fast forward to about her 20th column. She's still not dead.

And they're putting out this column. She's going, I think this is going to be our last week. I think this is going to be our last week. And at some point, one of the editors has got to pick up the phone to her and tell her that we've actually got to end the column because we thought it was going to be a short-term thing. Because you've not died.

Because you've not died because you've not died hurry off and die and she was given the job of phoning her up they were just drawing lots at the newspaper to have the job

of phoning her up and telling her I honestly think the less like cringy way of dealing with that is when she sends in a 21st column

the person editing it going everything's dark now and I can't see anymore but there's a light and as i press send and so that poor woman gets to read about her own death yeah and the bitch is like sat on the keyboard just like keep it tight just do a 20 um yeah so yeah so the death row pen power i think it'd be fucking as a podcast

Write it Write it You find the murderer Okay You find the murderer No paedophiles Have a final word No paedophiles

No paedophiles Definitely no paedophiles Oh you're right The thing is though They're on death row Whatever you're going to be on death row for You've got to imagine it's something That is

Beyond the pale of Murder I don't know I'm talking to murderers What would be What would be the thing that you'd be put on death row for that would be the least offensive crime?

They didn't want to work at Marks & Spencer's for two years. I don't think that's... For some reason, murder seems like the okay word. Oh, yeah. Arson, I think. Yeah, but arson that leads to murder.

Yeah, but the thing about it is... No one's going on death row for arson. They would if you killed a load of people while you're doing it. Yeah, I think, but there's not... You could always just... You know what it's like? Anyone started a fire, like you're at camp or something like that, it just gets a bit out of hand really quickly.

I've not been to camp. Who's been to camp? Stephen gives off the vibe of a kid who definitely set some fires. Is this hiding in planes? Yeah. Right, Grant, what are you doing with all that kindling? Shut up, you fucking grass. One more, would you rather

Tim Pritchard says wag wag lids by the way Sean it's wag wag wag wag okay just for your pronunciation

just to be clear so you don't end your career twice got a would you rather for you twice twice got a would you rather

for you would you rather every time you have sex Roy hodgson is lying in the bed next to you in his undies stroking your head and whispering encouragement into your ear or brilliant every time roy hodgson has sex you have to lie in his bed with him in your undies stroke his head and whisper encouragement to him let's assume both you and Roy have the same amount of sex per week

love the pod and buzzing to see Adam's tour show in Leeds in June that's from Tim Pritchard for the people who don't know if you were going to

put in a reference of a football manager for some reason Roy Hodgson is the most comedic because he's old but nice isn't he older

than the Bernabeu and he has a weird speech but nice. Isn't he older than the Bernabeu? And he has a weird speech impediment. I think he is older than the Bernabeu. Older than the Bernabeu. Roy Hodgson. Yeah. I think he's only 10 years younger than sliced bread. Genuinely.

Could you just pop Roy Hodgson in? He's in now. There he is. He's older than Dubai. What WrestleMania was he born? Oh, Christ. Yeah, there was no... Yeah.

Before WrestleMania. He hasn't had sex in decades I know the caveat is that I think that caveat ruins it Because I was going to go I'll be with Roy Yeah You know What's

Mrs Hodgson Mr Hodgson Is he his wife? How old do you reckon his wife is? How old is Roy Hodgson? Can you give us a year? Is it 20? He's 74 years old Alright okay so it's Watch this Watch this How old do you reckon his wife is? How old is Roy Hodgson? Can you give us a year? Is it 20? He's 74 years old.

All right, okay, so it's... Watch this. Watch this. How old is he? We're going to go with it now? I'm going to go 78. Roy Hodgson is... 74!

Shut up! Yeah? End the part! How did you know that? Yes, because I fucking slept next to Roy Hodgson as he bangs Mrs. Hodgson. And I tell you what, he is a vigorous lover

for his age. Oh, God. And you know what he does when he fucks his wife? He literally, he remembers Inter Milan, late 90s Inter Milan, going,

oh, darling, I had Ronaldo up front and Djorkaeff and Ince as a midfield commander. His wife is 51. Oh. Good on you, Roy. WrestleMania?

Well, okay. Younger than Dubai. Do you think he's got, on Roy Hodgson's Tinder, he's just got one button, younger than Dubai. He says, slap that, bang, out come the list.

Hey, she'd get it as well. Well, for me, it would be near impossibility both because as a brighton fan lying next down to the palace manager would be a thing of genuine horror oh shit but also their caveat they put on that question was immense which was that they they both have the same amount of sex because i was thinking absolutely stroke his hair while he's having sex it will be once every four months but right okay let me tell you about my married life anyway um shall we do wait do you still get to have sex do you still get to have sex even if you're watching

him have sex and stroking him yeah so no he's either stroking your hair while you do it or you're stroking his hair while he but if you're stroking his hair whilst he does it are you still allowed to have sex out in your life i love how if you're stroking his hair whilst he does it are you still allowed to have sex out in your life I love how seriously you're taking this would you rather yes or no

no it's a genuinely brilliant question and it's Roy Hodgson free yeah exactly he's a big lovely owl absolutely he is he's a rambunctious

little sausage imagine it became part of your reaction that after a while you couldn't get it up unless Roy Hodgson was stroking your head do you know what he's been stroking my head for six months now that without a while you couldn't get it up unless Roy Hodgson was stroking your head. Do you know what?

He's been stroking my head for six months now that without him I just don't feel like I can achieve full chymesis. Your partner would much rather come in on you watching porn before sex

than flicking through some fucking Match magazine. Match magazine. Well, that's not still a magazine, is it? It is. Can we do some other words?

Fucking play, you can play songs or we'll be talking. It's time to have a word with Adam and Dan. The guests can't hear the music because they're not wearing cans. This was supposed to be the whole podcast, but we fucking love Roy Hudson.

We are going to do some have a words. People are whinging. People want help. Let's do it. This is from Chris B. Please can you have a word with my wife, who since the energy crisis price hike has, I swear,

started using more bastard energy than ever. Lights on, heating on all day in April in an energy crisis. I realize this might seem like I've just gone a bit mental because it's all so fucking expensive all of a sudden but I still think

it's her not me although it has spun my head fuck you Eon that's from Chris B erm topical erm

well I'm that's it I'm with you Chris because it's this has been it's not been fun has it I don't know how your energy I got a letter from Eon that was been, it's not been fun, has it?

I don't know how your energy, I got a letter from me on that was just like, it's going to be three times more now, and that's that. I haven't. There was no haggling, there was no tariffs. I've lived in my house since February, and I haven't spoke to the energy supplier yet. Okay. The cost of living crisis. Oh, fuck, I don't worry about that. It's free.

The lightest of the horn and the heat. When they contact me and give me a big bill, I'll pay it. Do you know, sometimes you're very grown up and then other times i can tell your best mates with adam hey unless they come with a fucking bailiff daddy's not paying that shit takes a bath away i have just stacks and stacks of letters it's just letters the corridor is just letters right yeah it's a feature on his social media sean opens his post yeah oh my god every few months and by the way you know when you go into an instagram story and the little white lines at the top are practically full stops because there's like 30 of them back to back yeah and he goes oh look sean's opening his post

every few months every few months i open my post for for the audience for the people and they get to watch and they get to watch me just have low and i open it and there's red writing and you go oh fuck i haven't paid this and then the bailiffs are coming around and i have to call them and go oh no don't come around it's all right i've got the money i just don't open my letters that low security prison is no yeah on the cards you are adam yeah yeah Stephen you give off the vibe of a man that has a direct debit set up before it's even needed

I got into it I was with Bulb that was the biggest one that went bust never heard of it yeah well there you go

they were one of the energy supplies and I knew it was happening about four weeks beforehand so I phoned them up and went because they kept

upping up my direct debit and then just hanging more and more sorry you phoned them I phoned them and I said, mate, this is about to go to shit. Can you give me all the money that's in credit in the account now?

Who phoned them? Because it's my money. You've taken 800 quid to sat and basically to give you a cash flow because it's all going to shit. Stop it. Give it back. So they paid me back and then they went bust. It literally happened a week later

and I feel like I tipped them over the edge. But I drive an electric car and trust me, when they told me what my new direct debit was going to be that needed a bit of the bottom saying and we can't guarantee no bum rape

because the level of electricity I have to pay for because I have an electric car is off the scale oh apparently that's what energy suppliers can do now

they can just send you a letter saying it's going to be three times more and you can't do anything about it because it's a cabal and everyone's doing it there's no alternative if they'd have thrown in bum rape at the end what would you have done I about it because it's a cabal and everyone's doing it there's no

alternative if they'd have thrown in bum rape at the end what would you have done i would have said three times three times more and you have to be bum right well try ringing bulb they've gone bust yeah i mean they literally would have taken a bulb hey if anyone listen i know some dealers from back in the day if anyone wants to start dealing gas and electric i will buy it off some dodgy kind of fucking fucking Dave's fucking energy plug it in get a fucking extension cord

has my energy gone up yes you'll find out about it in six or seven months I'm exactly the same your energy's not

gone up because you aren't paid yet sign up to patreon.com slash have a work hard because Carl

is in debt and he does not realise. Am I? To be honest, Chris, you sound like a bit of a dad ball bag, but I think you're right. Does she get bath slots? If she does,

that might be a happy place. Get over it. This is from Eve Pubis. It doesn't say pubis, but it looks like pubis. Pibis? Pibis. Eve Mons Pubis.

Lids, need to have a word My brother-in-law and his wife have just been telling us About this dog nonce they paid to come round to their house This week to help artificially inseminate Their dog They had their female dog And then a guy brought round this male dog And then this dog nonce

Then this dog nonce Wanked off the male dog And collected his puppy juice. Oh, Jesus Christ. Puppy juice. Come on, Eve. Then my sister-in-law had to hold her female dog

in a handstand position while the dog nonce pumped the good stuff into the female dog. So many questions. Is this even legal? Is there some kind of dog nonce register this woman should be on?

Have a word, lads. Is this a real thing that people are doing out there with their dogs? Why do you have to bring the other dog around to wank it off? Because you could just turn up with the action. No, because he thinks that the dog's sexy, so he gets up.

Is that what it is? What? He won't be able to get it up if there's no dog in the room. I think once they've got a camera recorder out, that's when it goes weird, isn't it? Or maybe there is. Why can't a dog just have sex with the other dog?

Why does he have to be the middleman? Because there's not been consent. I feel like he's invented this middleman. Things have changed, Karl. I don't think this sounds... Open your mail sometime. Have you not got the dog consent letter? This is not legal.

There's no way that's legal. He's wanking dogs off. Especially if it's on only for... He's w way that's legal he's wanking dogs off especially if it's on dogs off he's wanking dogs off if he's on only fans what kind of careers guidance meeting did that guy have before he embarked on that job do you think wait for everything what carpentry no he can't do this what about a delivery work no i'm just not very good at driving have you got a skill that you could possibly monetize? Well, I can wank things off, but I'm very small. No, he shook his hand and went, oh, you've got really soft hands.

You should wank dogs off for money. He wanks dogs off for money. Hell of a careers guidance chat that is. Lovely soft hands. Do you moisturize? Also, do you like dogs? Dog wanking service is only one letter out from a perfectly normal job.

There is a very real chance it was just a typo it's just i mean because most people do dog walking service all you have to do is throw a name in there and before you know it you've got to see the job through we played for the sign that could be true that is a very good point it might be a people please i was like shit i want to wank this dog off anyone to the walker yeah just you know when you you buy your own domain and you just thought oh look dogwalkingservice.com has gone. Hasn't gone. And it has.

But you put dog wanking by mistake. Once you've bought the domain, you've got to do the job. I mean, that's the rules of domains, isn't it? Christ, I've been on GoDaddy and I've spent 20 pounds for the next two years. Wank, wank, wank. I don't know why the dog just couldn't do it itself. I still can't think why the dog couldn't mount the other one. Why is he the middleman?

Are we the only creature? No, us and monkeys. Are we the only creatures that can masturbate? Thanks for looking at me for that, Sean. No, of course dogs masturbate. What? They drag themselves across the carpet. That's why they're doing it, to masturbate,

to make themselves feel good. No, we're the only creatures that use sex as a method of payment. Us and bonobo chimps. Bonobo monkeys, yeah. Bonobo chimps as well. Do you mean to say payment? Payment, yeah, absolutely. No, no, no, sorry.

As a form of trade. There are bonobo monkey prostitutes. Yeah. Effectively, yeah. Stop it, stop it. I'm not making this up, am I? You're talking, you are. No, I'm not.

What it is, is that they would say, Brighton's a different world, isn't it? I know. You've got all the bananas and the fruit. I would like some fruit would it take you rank me off and that's what happens in the bonobo monkey world I've googled what what shut up what animals mutually masturbate monkey hookers that sound like the um alan partridge tv idea bonobo monkeys go on'll just go with tennis.

Go on. I think we're the only males who mutually masturbate. Yeah, each other, yeah. After that. Yeah, but bonobo monkeys have got a bonobo monkey red light district that I'd love to see. Yeah. Love it.

Where are bonobo monkeys from? Cats, dogs, squiddles, male deer, rhinoceri, boar and male monkeys all masturbate. Carl, this is for the plural, rhinoceri, boar and male monkeys all masturbate. Carl, this is for the plural of rhinoceros. Rhinoceri. You didn't answer my question, but I like you a little bit more. Next, have a word. I'm enjoying this.

Whipping through, whipping through. Rhinoceroses. Rhinoceroses. Tortoises. Tortoi. Tortoi? Toy toy. Shut up, toy toy. If you've got more than one tortoise

What have you got? A whole load of tortoise Tortoises That's what you think Kate Do you know Tortoises are the only animal That dance for money

So Kate Have you ever Look at her Look at her She's coming out of her shell Kate that dance for money. So, Kate, have you ever... Look at her, look at her. She's coming out of a shell. Kate from Telford says... I love the silence where everyone was listening. Kate from Telford,

can you have a word with my fella Shane? Our sex life is... These are quality. Our sex life is decent. We're both quite confident sexually, but he's always fidgeting around my arsehole during foreplay or a shag. Now, this is coming from someone

who doesn't object to a bit of bum play, but it's every time he's anywhere near me, straight for the arse, finger, tongue, or member. And frankly, I think it's overkill. Have a word for me, and hopefully he'll understand I need to ration out the ass play. Well, Kate, you are a phenomenal woman.

Mama like that. And do you know every time we get someone who writes in and they're intrinsically dirty, it makes me fancy them. He's just an ass man. He's an ass man.

Shane, leave Kate's bum hole alone. No, but... Leave her bum hole alone. She doesn't have Anywhere near it Don't give advice In this place

Stop licking Stop licking her bum hole When How often's he licking He look nice to Whoop Like you know He look lovely in that dress

Whoop If she's cooking Are you ready for church Whoop If she's cooking If she's like mowing the lawn Or cooking And he starts licking her ass

He's mowing the lawn And he's trying to rim her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's trimmer and rimmer. No, I honestly, I, a bit of ass play once in a while. It's like having a, you know, a creme brulee. Mutual ass play. You don't want to do it every time you have a meal.

You don't want creme brulee. Is it mutual ass play though? Well, I don't think there was any inference that he was pinning her down and not mutual no as in like her is he getting anything up his ass at the same time oh no this no i mean you dan oh me yeah oh no laura's absolutely she's drawing a line at the gooch i will not cross this line oh that is a line in the sweaty sand Oh I'd love it I'd love it to go snuffling for truffles

She's absolute And she's well within her right I'm a 41 year old man who uses too much sneak And as we all saw On the Cinco de Mayo Lockdown locking special The snuffling for truffle days are gone No not that night

Honestly there would be a medical warning With any lady that went anywhere unlocking special. Ah, the snuffling for truffle days are gone. No, not that night. Honestly, there would be a medical warning with any lady that went anywhere near south of the gooch. I'd be like, madam, you're in a danger zone.

South of the gooch. South of the gooch. Down risky ass way. Bumhole. No, no to bumholes. No, but occasionally. No, stay away from my bumhole. to bumholes occasionally

no stay away from my bumhole maybe be like oh you're a no to a bumhole just stay away from my bumhole just in terms of

podcasting or just everywhere stay everyone everyone stay away from my bumhole that is my bumhole yeah that's an out

never enjoyed it no that's for out not for in oh you fucking traditionalist I know Christ I didn't realise I was talking to a puritan. Stephen, one finger or two?

Obviously, we're getting to the age now where the next finger that goes up there is probably going to be a trained medical professional to see whether I'm going to last long enough. Oh, Dr Singh. Absolutely. But, you know, men have their G-spot up there, so it does seem like a travesty that it's not explored more. However. Ah, founders. But you know, the men have their G-spot up there, so it does seem like a travesty

that it's not explored more. However, of no interest. It is very much, I do not drive past a cul-de-sac gang. I wonder what that would be like to drive down the wrong way. So as far as I'm concerned,

it is absolutely a one-way street. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. When Laura inevitably divorces me, my young ladyboy husband will, he's going to go right up the cuddly thick. Oh, do you ever do the, do you ever, yourself? What?

What? Oh, no. A lot of men think of their own ass. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know. I'm just asking. Oh, yeah.

I'm like a Chinese finger trap, honestly. Get stuck there. No. Yeah. You seek a little poke-a-bum wank. Yeah, but he's saying the G spot's up there. You know seek a little pokebomb wank yeah but he's saying the g spots you know the g the g spot yeah up there i found loose change up there last time can you get can you get to it yourself that's what i mean that's what i'm asking well you're asking did like has he sean but i'm saying can you yeah yeah yeah of course hang on you give it a try. Have you ever given it a try?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just run out of hand wash. It does seem quite, like, difficult. No, the... Yeah. And the reason I had a Pokemon one the recent time I had one is because Adam is so adamant

that once in a while they're great. And it was completely ruined. I had my finger up my own arse and I thought about Adam Rowe. As I was fingering myself I was like Oh my god I thought of Adam

So even if my G spot's there It was like No sir No sir Is that true? Yeah because he You know he talks about Not Sean

Adam talks about Pokebomb wank so much When I last had a Pokebomb Oh he's a He's a Honestly He's on He gets the fucking

He's on the mailing list For Pokebomb wank weekly So you recently fingered your arse And thought of Adam Six months ago and then who popped into my head yeah wow jürgen said to me i've never had sex ever i know cut me hand off now if anyone anyone watching or listening has anything up their ass they're gonna think of adam and they're gonna think of you thinking of adam and if you come then you'd wish it was Roy Hodgson. That is only available to Patreons.

That's absolutely, that is a 10 pound tier. That's blown my mind. Did you plan it or did it just slip off? What do you mean, got a picture of Adam out? No, I mean, there's your plan. Went on Google and searched. You're like, I'm gonna have a Pokeball Monk later or were you just like, oh.

Yeah. How'd you plan it? What put a towel out? Well, was it one of the good ones? Or was it you kind of in the moment you remembered? Oh, I might put it up there. Or was it like, you know what? Later. Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to put it up there. Oh, no, there was no planning. I'm a man of the moment. You know, just taken away by that. I wasn't in the fucking Google diary, was it? I wasn't in my phone. I'm like, oh, shit. I'm going to finger my own arse today.

A little emoji of Adam. Lad. No, it just happened. I was just in there. It was a warm night. It just happened. Oh, that's weird. Surely you'd want a cold night.

What? Surely you'd want a cooler night. It'd take longer. Oh, this has gone weird. Listen, I don't know where you go from there. well this has gone weird and I listen I don't know where you go from there A&E usually yeah

I call pod anyone gentlemen shall we call pod call pod is call the end time call pod time gentlemen please

Stephen thank you very much for coming all the way from your kingdom of Brighton I shall return there and see you next year for my tour show,

which I'm really looking forward to doing at your new venue. That is the best venue and not the shit house venue. And where can we find you? You've got your podcast, social media, Stephen grant.com. And then the podcast cyclist pod.com. They're like at Stephen Grant At Stephen C Grant

Yeah someone has got You put your middle name in there Well someone has got The Stephen Grant before Who does It's like a It's like a dance DJ Who's tweeted once

For the last seven years And I sent him a message Going how much For the How much for the account Never replied Never replied And it doesn't use it

Yeah At Dan Nightingale Gets tagged a lot And he's like I've done that Come on Why why does this keep happening? Listen to that, the guy who runs StephenGrant.com

spelled with a V, regularly gets mail forwards it to me with a little I think you should do this job or this sounds quite interesting or this bloke sounds like a dick I wouldn't bother with this. So if you want to email me but want somebody that you've never met comment on your message before it's passed to me, mail at StephenGrant.com with a V in it. But if you want to get straight to me, but want somebody that you've never met, comment on your message before it's passed to me, mail at stephengrant.com with a V in it.

But if you want to get straight to me, PH. Sean, thanks for being our, thank you very much. What a pleasure. Thanks for being our guest co-host today. Where can we find you?

What, at, at Sean WBG Walsh. WBG Walsh. I haven't heard that. Sean, your Victorian cricketer name. And here to bed is WBG Welsh

At Sean Walsh S-E-A-N-N Walsh Follow me at DanHazapodcast Adam will be back from Villarreal For the next Patreon special If you're not a Patreon Do sign the fuck up We are 39th biggest Patreon in the world

38th biggest Patreon in the world No 38th biggest patron in the world. No one's done it. My fucking balls. That's incredible. Danspreviews.com to see my list of previews. I'm on tour in autumn. DanNightingale.com. And Adam is currently on tour.

There are a few tickets left to his extra dates. It's Adam Rowe comedy slash live. I mean, he said it a million times, didn't he? Slash. It's just going Adam Rowe, and it just shows there. It's in the description. Google Adam Rowe.

Gentlemen, it's been an absolute pleasure. Godspeed. Honoured. If you ever think of your own bum, think of me. Get on me. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors like when our estrogen levels drop during