Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #172 with Shane Gillis - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

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you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn. You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only, the now infamous, the soon-to-be legendary. Have a word. Go, Ed. bum, bum.

Hiya, you all right? You okay? You've come in on fire today. It's because you've not done one for a while. You just look like someone's like, you know like people get wound up. It's like you're finally, and you've been.

I love it. I love coming in. It's a bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang,

four days. So welcome to have a word. We've got Shane Gillis in the second half, but because he is the hottest property, I heard that sounds wank because he's one of the best comics in the world. We got him in while we could, which was last week, which was basically Sunday. Here we are five days later doing the first half of the pod. We can't right now. We got it in while we could which was last week. Which was basically Sunday.

Here we are five days later doing the first half of the pod. And we can't talk about it. But we haven't we haven't seen each other for five days and that's enough time for me to be like

I'm in a great mood. Yes. Snap. Yes. Dan what do you think about the crash of the NFT market? Hang on.

Well I didn't see you. I was just about to get on board as well. I was about to buy 17 of those apes. 17 apes? Yeah, I was going to buy 17 NFT apes. Is there that many? Yeah. Have you seen one of them

where $300,000 sold for $110? Yeah. But if you get in now, it's bound to go back up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Buying the debt. You know, I had a mate tell me this sold for $110 didn't they yeah but if you get in now it's bound to go back up yeah yeah buying the dip you know I had a mate tell me this

just as lockdown was starting he was like it's a great time to buy bitcoin it's like four grand a bitcoin and there was a part

of me like maybe I'll just buy one and I'll be like nah now it's the dip as well you know now bitcoin's like 40 grand

now it's dipped to 20. oh has it well it was up to 45 grand wasn't it should we buy one bitcoin so maybe no it's the wrong time to buy but now's the time to buy nfts so no because it's no that's it's dead no it's not that's what you think no you it looks dead to the young chain yeah yeah sorry because you don't know the market we We've grown up in NFTs. What's your favourite NFT then? What's my favourite NFT? Yeah.

What's my favourite non- I like the ape with a bit of pot. Non-fungible token. Yeah, what's your favourite non-fungible token? That one is up there. That's top five. Yeah, the pot ape. The pot ape.

Yeah. I love the pot ape. Is it just apes? I don't know. It's just basically stupid animals. No, an NFT is any drawing That is digital With coding behind it

That proves that it's yours We could make them Is it essentially like A gif Yeah but you get to own it It can be Oh my god A gif that I can own

Happy birthday to me See here's the thing People like you Who are heavily critical Critical of the NFT Stop being so political. You said it wrong. Go on.

Heavily critical of the NFT market. Because you just don't understand it. What are you talking about? I'm trying to buy into it. Yeah, so I'm going to explain to you why you should. Teach me. NFTs are essentially, they're not new. They're not new.

They're not new. You think they're new? They've been around for years. Well, a ticket is the nft my granddad was an nft miner he used to go down in there just fucking away he died in an nft mine he really did there was a an ape and he just got to the ape's dick and it just he died you know what happened he's just drowning in Bitcoin. Words, words, words. I am out of my depth with this ad lib. Well, NFTs have been around for centuries.

It's just now that they've finally been called NFTs. A ticket is an NFT. If you've got a ticket to see Shania Twain. A non-fungible token is a ticket. Yeah. To see who? Shania Twain. I love Adam's mind.

He went for someone you buy a ticket for. In we go. Let's reach in. Let's see who Adam pulls out. Live ticket. The year is 2022. We've not time travelled. It's not 1998.

It's Shania Twain. I fucking love how your head works. When you go and do your old stuff, you're like, oh, that's Shania Twain ticket stub. And you buy like four of When you go and do your old stuff, you're like, oh, that Shania Twain ticket stub. And you've got like four of them. Yeah, and they were worth 300 grand. No. Listen to me.

How is it an NFT then? Listen to me and I'll tell you. It's a ticket. It's an old ticket. Exactly, right? But when you've got a Shania Twain ticket, right? Right? I really want a Shania Twain ticket right now.

What's your favourite Shania Twain ticket? If you've got a Shania Twain ticket, right? Let's go, girls. If you've got a Shania Twain ticket, young girls, you can't walk into Gregg's and pay for a pasty with that ticket.

Mind blown. Do you know what? I thought I could. But that ticket has still got value, hasn't it? Oh my God, you're so right. This is where I've been going wrong. It's not fungible, but it is valuable. I've been taking these Shania Twain tickets out.

I tried to pay for the M6 tall with it. I just wouldn't accept it. I had to go back round. I had to go M6, M5. Nightmare. Well, to someone, even though you only paid 70 for your shania twain ticket someone would be willing to dollars it was when i lived in america yep it's when i lived in atlanta georgia so but to someone else who's a huge shania twain fan who missed out on

tickets that ticket they'd be willing to pay that i've got a ticket for tomorrow's FA Cup final. Hang on, when was the concert? Shania Twain's dead, didn't she? When? Is this a- Right. Is this ticket for an upcoming Shania Twain concert? Because I think at $70 you've been fucking scalped, mate. Right, okay. Is this a past Shania Twain?

Who's a hot ticket at the moment? Oh. Think about Maradona's shirt. Dua, Dua, Dua Lipa. Right. Dua Lipa. Finn, you're young. Dua Lipua Dua Leeper Right Dua Leeper Finn you're young Dua Leeper

Fit You went to watch her I Listen I don't want to be too graphic here But I would like to lick All of her bum balls Yeah

I really would She's a red as well She's not She just sang at the final Yeah but now she's a red Oh my god She's so pretty Rocky fucking sliced her lungs

Of blue as well I don't want to sound like A perfect football in 1985 Whatever I'd kiss her armpits I'd wear like Ray Mysterio's mask Oh my God. She's so pretty. Rocky fucking sliced her lungs in blue as well. I don't want to sound like a period man. I'd kiss her armpits. I'd wear like Ray Mysterio's mask. And then kiss her armpits. Are you talking about Samantha Sloan?

Go. Right. So I've got a ticket for Dewa Kiss All My Bumholes Leaper. Right. But they sold out in seconds. Yeah.

They went like that. They went like that. So you paid close then you've paid 50 quid right but you could put that on the market and people might be able to willing to pay what 500 quid on on the like ticket yeah even though it's technically only worth 50 it's now worth 500 because someone wants to be there they forgot the wife's anniversary and that is what NFTs are. Fucking clever.

Yeah. So they're like, do you know what? I wanted to own that picture of a monkey smoking some pot, but I couldn't because I missed out on it. So now it's worth £7 billion for a week, and now it's £11 again. And it absolutely makes sense because no one could draw that monkey smoking pot ever again,

could they? You could draw a ticket, couldn't you? You could draw a Dua Lipa ticket. It doesn't make it a ticket. Right. Yeah, but if you draw a Dua Lipa ticket, which now I want to do and try and get in the MEN. Yeah.

Heyo! Heyo. I'm drawing a Dua Lipa ticket. It doesn't really look like a Dua Lipa ticket. And it's not going to let you get in the Dua Lipa concert. If you have a picture of a fucking monkey smoking, it's nearly the same. No, but it is.

What's the difference? Because there's code in behind it that gets you certain privileges and enters to certain clubs. Oh, the monkey pot club. Oh, right. That is what they're for. Oh, the NFT club?

Yeah. Oh, I can't. There's one in Liverpool. Where is there? Yes. Oh, my God. Let's go Nando's, then the NFT club. Because you haven't got a fucking pot smoking heap.

Well, I'll go the Shania Twain concert with my crayon drawn ticket like a fucking spanner. What are you talking about? A five pound note is a non-fungible token. Where's the bullshit bell? Shane Gillis had it. There's a fucking time thing. Okay. I need it because I need to call bullshit.

A five pound note is a non-fungible token. Shut up. It's an absolutely fungible token. Not if you draw a big cock saying this is fake. You stupid cunt. There's no club for NFTs. Yes, there is. That is what they're for.

Is the telly on? Type in NFT Liverpool. No. It's just so you can have a picture like a fucking futuristic goon. I own this gif. You fucking twat. Like Liverpool City Centre or something. NFT,

Liverpool City Centre. What are you talking about? You silly people. I saw it yesterday on Twitter. Oh, well, the internet calls you a liar, sir.

There's a gaffe in Liverpool. You can only get in with NFTs. Right. Listen, Al-Qaeda, if you want to do an attack, everyone's going to let you do it they'll fucking help i'll drive you there is it won't even have to get a local i always go al-qaeda go for the retro i always go al-qaeda i think i do things about the same time

i think isis is too on the nose i go mujahideen or Al Qaeda so you bombed the World Trade Centre that don't impress me what do you reckon Brad Pitt thought about that song what are you on about today I know I've had

loads of sneak what do you reckon Brad Pitt his name dropped in that song isn't he so you're Brad Pitt that don't impress

me I bet it fucking does though Shania if he got his cock out he'd be snuffling me much. I bet it fucking does though, Shania, doesn't it? I bet it does. If he got his cock out, she'd be snuffling at me. Yeah. I bet it does.

Oh, you're fucking Brad Pitt. Don't get her wrong. She thinks he's all right. But don't keep her warm in the middle of the night. No, her blanket does. Yeah. Hey, Brad Pitt. You know blanket that I've left on the radiator?

It's the B-side, isn't it? Mate, if Brad turns up with a fucking slightly worn blanket, she just splooshes. I love Shirey, to be honest. Absolutely bangers back in the day for me. What else does she have for them? There's the other one I

run to. The other one I bomb to. Let's turn that all down That was it Yeah yeah yeah That's offensive Brad Pitt I fucking love blankets

A wheelie with you A wheelie? Blanket Jackson Shakira from that era Was great as well Shakira's Buzz Shakira from that era

Was great too Oh my god We've missed The biggest banger No The biggest banger Is man I feel like a woman

We've sang that before You're fucking right Did we have to sing that I thought we were singing That don't impress me much Oh no we were They're very similar Sound songs

But I did sing Man I feel like a woman Before Name some of those Shania Twain songs Any man of mine No From this moment on No That's it Is that it Yeah They're very similar songs, but I did sing Man of Fear like a woman before. Name some other Shania Twain songs. Any Man of Mine? No.

From this moment on? No. That's it. Is that it? Yeah. Imagine. I don't need your clothes. They're the only things I need. Kenny Rogers.

You got a hat, your holes, they're the territory. You're doing Cher. And all the things I deserve. She's doing Cher. She's such a good girl What was it? Do you know Cher's Do you believe Do you know that was the biggest selling female artist of all time?

But Dan can you tell us The biggest selling female Sung single of all time Is Believe by Cher And also Can you tell me How that song Influenced

Florida native T-Pain How did that song influence theluenced Florida native T-Pain How did that song Influence the career Of Florida native T-Pain Well that sounds like A random bullshit question That Carl would ask At a quiz

When he turned around Like oh I have information In my mind I was like yeah This has accidentally Become part of your How are Cher and T-Pain Linked Dan

For ten points Come on I don't know who T-Pain is What I don't know who T-Pain linked, Dan, for 10 points. Come on. I don't know who T-Pain is. What? I don't know who T-Pain is. Got an Apple, bottom, G, G, moats with the fire. Are you medically deaf? Did you hear all music like...

Fluffy leaves. Okay, now. I'm in love with a stripper. Right. Let's stop singing. T-Pain. Let's stop singing on this episode. I'm in love with a stripper Right Let's stop singing T-Pain Let's stop singing on this episode I'm a T-Pain

T-Pain You know him I'm T-Pain I love D-Pain Right Yeah okay How do they influence you? I don't know

Nor do I care But fill me in Shares Believe Was the first ever song To use auto-tune. Why is Finn doing that face? Finn's got a face. What about all the-

It was the first song to popularise using it as an effect. Hip-hop in the fucking early 90s. No, that's not what Google said. Google said it was the first ever song to use auto-tune. Oh, yeah, but Google didn't know where the NFT club was in Liverpool's city centre centre near the Primark. Mat, mat,

mat, mat, mat, mat, mat. Bring your NFTs, you fucking pedos. Who'd win the fight,

Shared or Shania Twain? Who'd win the, Shania Twain. Are you on it? I just thought, I can't. Are you on auto June? I don't know.

I'm still thinking about Julie as bumholes. Shania Twain. I. Shania Twain. I think Shania Twain. She's fit, isn't she? Yeah. Yeah. Shania, in their peak.

Oh, in their here dear. Aye. She looked all right. Where's she from again? Like a fucking Liberian sloth. I think she's American. No, she's Canadian. No, she's not you

No isn't she like Algerian She's from the same place No She's from Where are the Kardashians from Bosnia No they're not

Armenian Eurasia She's Armenian She's Eurasian Yeah She's in Eurasia Is that a dog She's in Eurasia

Particularly retarded Episode today I hope you're all on board So where's that question come from? Let people in on the secret because that T-Pain... Me and Carl have started running a quiz. ...share question was from your quiz.

Yeah. Long-term fans of Have A Word will know that last year, coming out of the lockdowns, Carl put together one of the most stressful-to-make quizzes in the history of quizzes. Very popular.

You love a random quiz, and now you're doing it live in Liverpool, near the NFT bar. I've been running a live quiz, shipping forecast once a month. If you want tickets, you can't get them because they're already sold out. Easier watching Shania's.

We're going to put July on sale soon because June's already sold out. The way we're doing it is, there's a quiz. The people who finish third get a prize. The people who finish second don't get a prize. They get fuck all. The team who wins gets don't get a prize. They get fuck all. The team who wins gets either 100 quid cash

or they can gamble that and play me and Carl in a game of beer pong. The pictures of that gave me real FOMO. Oh, the beer pong was insane. But the beer pong prize is a grand. But for every month me and Carl win, that prize will roll over. So me and Carl won on the first night. So the prize in June is two grand but for every month me and Carl win that prize will roll over so me and Carl won on the first night so the prize in June is two grand

and if we win that one then in July it'll be three and if we win all the way to the Christmas special there's going to be a nine grand game of beer pong

in Liverpool oh my god someone won a 55 inch 4k television because they sent us a picture of their nan with a picture saying I love Carl

oh yeah we're going to do an interval spot prize in every one so we got did you ask them to put it on twitter yeah yeah right cool because uh someone photoshopped me with a sign saying i love cock yeah which is very funny but then i was like i don't know what this is i thought someone was just being a dick we said we wanted pictures of women in their 50s or 60s that aren't in the building holding up a sign saying i love cock so someone got me dressed as cilla black from the from the blind date show but then i just found the thread and i it was just such a wonderful moment when i wasn't there on the night but i had to work out that you'd ask

people to tweet the pit this the amount of nannies were just like yeah i do love some absolute fucking team play shout out all the all the women in their 50s and 60s well yeah you write it down for me i can't be arsed writing it, but I will hold a sign saying, I love God. One woman had a tea on her lap. She won. She won. Of course, some lads ran into a restaurant

with a sign, ran up to this table with four elderly people and I'm like, can you hold this? And we take a picture and they all went, fucking yeah, of course we can. I've done it. Oh, I love it. Next month's going to be harder than that

because the spot price has now doubled. Yeah, we've got more money in the budget for next month. So be harder than that because the spot prize price has now doubled yeah we've got more money in the money now so it's gonna be like a fucking car or something i'm coming boozing next month we lost money on the first one we did yeah i'm are you coming oh no i don't want to i don't i just want to drink you're not allowed to win if you've got to come if you've got to come and drink just do the quiz but i just don't know the answers to anything well then just. I just want to get Finn drunk. There was 44 points available.

The winning team had 17. Right. Okay. Nobody knows. This is your dream, isn't it? Like he's on tour. I'm on tour. We're doing stand up all the time.

Trying to literally build our fucking careers. You just want to have a quiz that people already can't get tickets to. Yeah. I'm not making any money off it. I just want to do it because people can't go. Yeah. I love it. You want to come? already can't get tickets to yeah i'm not making any money off it i just want to do it because people can't go yeah i love it you want to call me can't with the potential of a nine grand rollover pit a beer pong prize can you imagine if we keep winning though it'll be in the echo we won't go to another report now vile city quiz our quiz pays the exact same top prize as the tv show pointless and pointless rolls over't it? Probably gets more viewers as well.

Two and a half thousand people watch the game of ear pong because we streamed it on Instagram Live. It's going to get big, this, boys. Yeah, it's going to get bigger and bigger. And do you know what was really amazing? Do you know, because we told the crowd, we were like,

if we win, the money's going to roll over. It meant that the whole room wanted us to win. Yeah. Because they were like, well, we're all coming back next month. So the team who'd gambled, who would normally have the favour of the crowd,

it was flipped because everyone was like, if Adam and Carl win, we could win this next month. Also, if it came to the last on your thought, them questions are mad. It's going to be a different theme.

It might be something that you know. Don't think I'm not going again because it might change it to... Where can you get tickets, Carl? Or where can you try and get tickets they'll be on skiddle but you'll as soon as we know you'll know on social page is the twitter at carl adam quiz no a chaotic quiz chaotic have a word patrons find out first is that right did you put it on patreon first we put it on patreon this time but we're just going to keep putting it on on sale on the nights to the

people who are there and on twitter and stuff we We'll give a big shout out on Patreon. But yeah. Like with all of the live stuff, being a Patreon is the way forward. Yeah, yeah. Patreon.com. It's just fun. It's literally just such a nice environment.

No one's like, oh, I want to win. Everyone's just having a fucking, everyone's just having a laugh. Thanks to everyone who came to my New Bits night in Manchester on Wednesday. We found such a fucking lovely venue for it. It was at the Edge Theatre.

We had 100 people in, 98 lids, two plus ones. It was fucking great. We did a proper like, there was so few people. I was like, who's not a pod person? And it was just two people. I love it. And the theatre is this place that used to be a church in uh chalton it's not it's owned by a family the daughter's a massive lid one of the first 2000 patrons of this and

they were like oh my god it's amazing you're doing a show at my family's theater it's really cool we broke the bar record their bar on a wednesday night we broke with they've never i don't think they've ever sold out on a wednesday so they were like thank you we sold out we had night we broke they've never I don't think they've ever sold out on a Wednesday so they were like thank you we sold out and then we broke the bar record we had that with the venue

for the quiz they were sort of like this is different for a Monday yeah and they weren't ready I love it and their staff did they have glasses in the before the quiz had started

and then he jumped on because their staff oh that is so boozy the staff don't multiserve what the staff don't multiserve and then he jumped on the bar oh- A lot is so boozy. The staff don't multi-serve. What? The staff don't multi-serve, and I nearly jumped on the bar. Oh, Christ.

They don't multi-serve. Fuck. What do you mean? I don't know what multi-serving is. I don't know what multi-serving is. Do you not just serve someone? No. Oh, God.

You don't multi-serve. Stephen, get him. Stephen will kill you. So if you- Let's say all four of you were at the bar. So when you're waiting for a pint to fill up you start serving someone else yeah so i'll be pouring a pint going what do you have amazing you got right four jager bombs so i'll i'll get the jager out with me left hand and start pouring jager bombs while you're getting a lemonade and this person's getting six points of guinness and i go thick guinness and you're still there waiting for you

one lemonade you're getting pissed off right okay well that's yeah all right well that i never called it serve multi-serve but but if you're, yeah, Guinness is one of those ones where you can- Should be serving a minimum of two people at once. You can apply for a loan while a Guinness is fucking pouring. Right, okay. I get it. But you weren't doing that.

The way you were making it out. I mean, great staff, all lovely, beautiful staff, but next time multi-serve, please. Thank you. Just to get the wheels rolling. They're just 19-year-olds who can't give, they don't give a shit though, don't they? No, they all give a shit

oh yeah they do they just don't multi-serve it's a pub innit it's not a bar it's a pub so they're not used to like you were all fantastic and you did loads for us

they helped us loads they did and you can pay with money if you're there not NFTs is that right yeah yeah

alright alright cool or maybe we should make it maybe we should release some NFTs for the quiz and you've got to have one to buy tickets right yeah yeah alright alright cool maybe we should make it maybe we should release some NFTs for the quiz and you've got to have one to buy tickets yeah yeah yeah

good time to get into NFTs Adam good thinking no but just get them in the dip no I mean you're actually thinking of making them it's great

it's that easy don't we are there's gavels in NFT cool it probably is where's the that's my NFT where's the coding what where's the coding What

Where's the coding When I draw it It'll be in it Alright Cool I look forward to seeing that Just call him Fungie Yeah

Don't need to talk to me About Fungie There must be an NFT That you'd love to own Like someone's shirt Or someone A mic from like a Stuart Leeper's

Many gaping bumholes make it draw that draw it graphically though not with crayons i want to have the first crayon drawn nft i think we should release an nft i have a weird nft why are we doing it now adam the market is no it doesn't we're not in the market we're making it just for our community we are the market and also the fact that it's crashed means it's a good time to get into it you don't get in at the peak you get it at the trough don't you no you make them and sell them no we're not selling them we're not trying to make money it's our community we're just trying to love no i i do want to make money i want to just making private nfts to keep at home good night nfts good night there's definitely people doing that Wouldn't you like to have Lenny Bruce's socks

from that night he recorded that special? I don't think you know what NFTs are. I think you're thinking of collectibles. Collectible antiques. Yeah, because that's got... Oh, no. It gets you access to something, doesn't it? Lenny Bruce's socks.

Unless that's like every year on the 4th of June, Lenny Bruce's socks get you access to his... It on the 4th of June, Lenny Bruce's socks get you access to his grave. Turns out Sotheby's have been selling NFTs for years and just calling them antiques. Exactly. Weirdos.

You look good today, Carl. Oh, thanks. Are you fucking wasted? I like it. The energy is great. I'm tired. I've had a busy week. Have you?

Yeah, it's been... The tour stuff is starting to get busier now. I can't wait to watch you when you're on tour. I'm fucking dead excited about it. I'm going all travelling. We drove to Cardiff today. That's far. Carl had no idea.

Carl thought, well, it can't be far from real because Wales is tiny. Wales is not big and it's there. I was at the same distance as Edinburgh the other way. Yeah, most people from North Wales, if they want to go to South Wales, they need to go into England and then back out of England. Yeah, you have to basically drive to fucking Nottingham

to get to Cardiff. So someone told me about North Wales and South Wales that there's almost no tourism between South Walales and north wales because they're like why the would you even try and go down a road you've got to go round there's no there's no direct route north so you can go along the west coast like through aberration towards bristol and then no that's it yeah there's more tourism between north and south korea than there is between north and South Wales. Fact. Fact.

It's a well-known fact. Put that on an NFT. I thought about bummers. Have you ever been to South Wales? Nope. Never been. That's insane. It's just down the road, isn't it?

It's not, though. It's quicker to get to London. It's further away from him than it is from us. It's quicker for me to get to London. I'm not even messing. I know that sounds insane someone fix it yeah yeah

you know Snowdonia and the Brecon Beacons is it the Brecon Beacons just stick a fucking motorway through it yeah but you should there should be a tunnel

through Snowdonia so people from Cardiff can go to Rhyl where they don't want to go they just want to go to Barry Island which is 8 minutes from their house

was it a good show in Cardiff because I love gigging in Cardiff they're like Welsh Geordies I fucking love them do you know what

it was it was really good but it was Wednesday night energy okay but I just matched it and it was really

like I took it at my own pace I was a lot more ponderous finding new bits of new bits of routines and stuff.

And it's getting game time. I'm going to be filming it in six weeks. Which show's being filmed? Philharmonic? 25th of June. I'm excited. It's going to be really exciting. The second film?

Yeah. We would have filmed... The original plan was to film the first film. Come on. You film the first film. Oh mate, come on. But you filmed the last show. I mean Adam's known this since

he was a little kid. You never film the first Philharmonic. Always the second. You know, I

remember he used to tell me his dad sat him down. Come down Adam, come down. I want to tell

you. One day you'll be filming in the Philharmonic like me, like my dad before me. Always filming in the Philharmonic. Like you. Like me. Like my dad before me. Always filming in the Philharmonic. Always do it in the second.

He wasn't filming in the Philharmonic. As you know, he plastered the cathedral. Do you think he did any work in the Philharmonic? He didn't. I don't know. Okay. He plastered the whole cathedral on his own. Hey, new listeners.

Once and off. You've really got to do the work to get all the references. All right? And if you're like, I don't get that, well, do the fucking research. But you've got 900 episodes. Watch them. That's amazing.

So second Philly. Is that what you call it? The Phil? The Philo. The first Philharmonic is the night before the Champions League final, and I'm going to go straight to the airport and get on the ale, and I'm not even messing. Oh, Jesus.

I've got no choice. What is going on with your no choice. What is going on with your fucking life? What is going on? I know you've had some rough patches, but it's fucking come good, hasn't it?

It's all right, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sold out my first Philharmonic straight on a playing Champions League final in Paris where I've got a ticket. Who from, Adam?

Some weirdo. Nice one. Great. But the flight's at 6am. I won't be done with it. who from Adam some weirdo nice one great but the flight's at 6am I won't be done with like oh nightmare you still going

I'll have to do a meet and greet after the show so I'm not going to get out of the filter like midnight yeah he's doing a meet and greet at John Lennon gotta be at the airport for four

with Alfie Brown and Josh me oldest friend so I might as well just go straight there danny you're one of them people who get to the airport six hours before the flight no yeah i know you think i'm dead organized and like boring like that but no i just i can't i can't be doing cues wind me the fuck up uh when we went on holiday with the family we were there as early yeah we didn't need to you've got a fucking you've got a buggy they're like oh my god it's fucking

great just me with a small child and some old disabled people straight in it's great and everyone had gone manchester airport's a shit show so you need to get there early so we were there exactly two hours before which is you know sensible in it if all the covid stuff's a pain in the ass security is bad the best thing but it's the one good thing about having a baby is like you're like i've got a baby what can i do the best thing about liverpool john london airport is that it is it looks and essentially functions as a slightly big bus station station yeah there's like you turn up and you're like they're like what flight are you on lad and I'm like

I don't know I'm going here they go oh yeah you want to go through there do you want to check my bag let's have a look doesn't look like a bomb go ahead kids

you're going through it's nowhere near no ticking it's like when you go to like a little island airport you know like if you're in like Crete

and there's like one guy with a scanner and he's like yeah no bombing that go on you get on no one's bombing the Crete to London flight. Liverpool is literally like that.

It's so quick. Security is, there's like. Oh, I've got stuck at John Lennon at peak times. But you've always got the option of paying the fast lane. 11 quid it was for fast track. It's a bit Tory in it. But sometimes when you're against the fucking clock, there's no choice. It's a bit Tory in it, but sometimes when you're against the fucking clock, you have no choice.

It's funny because if you- I will always pay for convenience. If I can afford it, convenience is something I- You're buying time. I value above all else. I get it. But when people have saved all fucking year for a holiday

and they've got like 11 quid for the whole family is a bit of a baller. When it's you, when you're just like 11 quid for the whole family is a bit of a baller when it's you when you're just like 11 quid straight through yeah that's what I mean

yeah it does feel like Liverpool airport that's it's a bit smaller and it just works a bit better when I've been through

so I'm going away at the end of June we've got a little trip coming up haven't we for the rugby league and you have options of where you fly to I've just started going

for Liverpool because Manchester seems to be a bit manic at the moment there's something they're doing wrong with the staffing and security and everything

and it's bigger it used to be great but it's when we flew last month they were going along the line saying where are you going to

like people whose flights were in 10 minutes and they were in the security queue at Manchester yeah so they were going along the line saying where are you going to uh like people whose flights were in 10 minutes and they were in the security queue at manchester yes they were pulling them out that's so stressful like what are you doing yeah but we missed the chaos but it was you could see it was going to kick off it was weird i just i don't there was a period about six seven eight years ago when i was doing forces gigs a lot and I did a few foreign festivals. Fucking hell, you get, like, plane air travel, when you're doing it too much, is such a fucking grind.

I hate it. Like, when you're at the airport, just queuing and seeing people being dicks and I just hate that feeling. I just, yeah, of course you'd pay 11 quid to just scoot round especially that morning Liverpool, John Lennon

and Airports there's two commercial flights going there's one easy jet and there's one Ryanair I'm on the Ryanair but there's going to be about

20 chartered flights yeah from like private and also it's going to be very difficult that morning hearing the announcements of the flights because the whole airport

is going you can send to me hello I that morning hearing the announcements of the flights because the whole airport's going, Jürgen said to me, hello, in the nip, yim, yim, yim, yim, yim. Our flights haven't turned, it's fucking done. No, no, no, no. I'm in love with him and he's a fucking lad. Or something like that.

It's a good song. He's a bloke. He's got fucking big teeth. Something like that. You know the words. Jürgen is me dad, you know. Has Jürgen got kids? I don't know.

Has he? Two lads. They must have a bad time in school. I bet Jürgen's a dead sound dad. Their school life must be so easy. Right. Because the guy's been in Liverpool, hasn't he? Yeah.

And their dad's Jürgen Klopp. Yeah, but somewhere in North Liverpool with all them fucking Tories in it, though. Some private Yeah. And their dad's Jürgen Klopp. Yeah, but somewhere in North Liverpool with all them fucking Tories in it, though. Some private school. And then Mara's Ulla Klopp, the Scouse Queen. Okay. Ulla Klopp. It's down to her that he's staying, isn't it?

She was like, I fucking love it down here, me. Got the big Asda just down the road. She said it like that. They've only been here five years, but she's... She loves the big Asda. Hello, my name's Ulla Klopp. Park Road, Tesco. She fucking... She's like, the fucking Asda's Hello, my name's Earl O'Clock. Park Road, Tesco. She's like the fucking Asda's 24 hours a year.

Yeah. She's poked. She loves poked. My heart's down poked, me. And sometimes Teddy's later. You know, all that. Classic Earl-er. Earl-er.

Earl-er. Earl-er. Is it Earl-er? Shout out the first Scouse family that named their fucking daughter Ulla. Yeah. Ulla. Probably already exists. Or Alison.

Gob shite. I mean, Alfie's done that. Alfie's done that. His son Becker, didn't he? Did you see he commented? Alison commented on their baby picture saying, congratulations, what a great name. Like Liverpool goalkeeper comments on all these

things Alison Hammond's named after Alison yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah ITV talk show host thank you for the full fucking LinkedIn let's have a break we need it yeah

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You can't get that wrong. Athleticgreens.com slash have a word. It's the name of the fucking podcast. Can't fuck that up, can you? Go ahead. For a limited time, switch to Shopify point of sale, and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings, we've made this ad 20% shorter.

That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS20. Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply. See Shopify.com slash POS20 for details. Welcome back to the second section of this Have a Word podcast. I did the Dead Men Talking record just a couple of days ago with Rob Mulholland and Freddie Quinn.

Fun. They are dirty, disgusting, horrible, vile, funny twats. Yeah. And Dead Men Talking is going to fly. I've seen the Discord. They showed me videos of men jizzing on butties and eating it. Right, so... They showed me a man who covered himself entirely in poo and then...

Yeah, so I did that. He pooed into his hand. Come on, bread netty netty oh i was doing so well with prolapses we're having such a good laugh no and then i got to they it's funny because they sit there they're both evil aren't they they're both evil and they sit there they're both two of the only people in comedy. If it come out either of them was a paedophile, I wouldn't question it. I mean, Freddie. If it come out Freddie, Freddie's a full-blown paedophile, I'd be like, do you know what? He's my mate in that, but I can see it.

And Rob. No, Rob's a killer. No, Rob's too tall to be a paedophile. No, he's a killer. Rob's a killer. Fred's a paedophile. Dead Men Talking Pod. At Dead Men Talking talking pod if you

want to meet these fucking lunatics we've got a question from anthony it's it's about tv comedy which you know you're a part of is it just is it just me or are we missing old school sketch shows fast show big train and harry Enfield and Chums to Name but a few. What do you think the sketch show, why do you think the sketch show

has died down in the UK? Because producers started having too much of a say in them and made them shit. Yeah.

And didn't leave comedians to do what comedians do best which is be funny. If you want to see that documented, extras, Ricky Gervais' extras, basically over those two series,

he's, it's brilliant, extras. It's not, obviously, it's not quite as famous as The Office or anything, but he charts the meddling of TV producers at the BBC of how they go, oh, I think we should do this, and fuck up his idea gradually to make it something that is basically soulless and shit.

It's really interesting TV. Do you know what I think is quite a forgotten, it's now forgotten as a sketch show that I think was actually really, really, really funny for a while. The Catherine Tate show.

Catherine Tate show was brilliant. Before that, Big Train. Did you watch Big Train? No. Fuck me. Big Train was as good as any sketch show we've had. After the Fast Show, Catherine Tate was on Big Train. I think it was Graham Linehan,

and I think it was the guys to do with Father Ted. To be honest with you, though, when my time frees up a little bit, July, August, September-wise, as I get a little bit quieter with not touring as much, I actually want to start doing some sketches for our channel and put some stuff out.

Like, if you look at- I'm going to have to free up my diary because I've got a lot of NFT development going on. But yeah, go on, go on. We'll outsource that. Nice. To an NFT designer club. Chinese.

Yeah. Yeah. Like, Shane Gillis, who's today's guest, we spoke about his sketches with him. Oh my God. They're fucking unbelievable. Yeah. Like Shane Gillis, who's today's guest, we spoke about his sketches with him. Oh my God. They're fucking unbelievable. Incredible. The gold standard.

Yeah. And TV comedy is, I think it plays a valuable part in our industry, but it is becoming more and more sanitized. And Shane has proven that they're a lot funnier if you just let comedians make them themselves. If you don't have a producer going, oh, the sponsors aren't going to like that,

shove the sponsors and what they think up your fucking hoop. He says whilst drinking his sponsor. Right, this is what happens. As soon as I get an email from Sneak going, listen, Dan, you're a great ambassador for Sneak. It's a great word, Ted. But you're going to have to stop saying those things.

I will literally put a black bit of tape over Sneak. I'll still drink it because it's phenomenal. Shove it up your hoop. You can sponsor us. You don't get to tell us what to say. But I want to start filming some sketches. I've already had some ideas. We could do such funny sketches.

Gillian Keeves, we talked about it in the episode with Shane and a lot of people are watching this who know Shane Gillison fucking god they're so amazing Ryan Long is another New York based comic who's done a lot of really great sketches I'll show you some of his

when we finish recording oh god yeah fucking hell Key and Peele when well. Oh God, yeah. Fucking hell, Key and Peele. The UK, when I was growing up, the fast show, like probably Little Britain was when you were at school. Was that right? Yeah, it was the best.

Yeah. So I was a bit older, but you could just talk to people in the fast show, in the fast show language. My dad adores the fast show yeah like he used to bang on about that a lot and i really like it and a lot of it is repetition like a lot of them aren't standalone yeah what they did very well was go ah this will be funny and you'd watch it the

first time we go i don't really know why that's funny by episode four you're like it's that thing from before i also love some of the classics like one of my favorite things and i watch it sort of maybe like five times a year is um the the two ronnie's the mastermind sketch anson and his specialist subject is asking answering the question before last some of the cleverest comedy writing you will ever see so so good the best of the two ronnie's is some of the best british comedy historically i think and that one, the Mastermind one, very nearly never made it as a sketch. Oh, really? That was like a throwaway one.

They were like, I'm not sure whether this will be funny or weird. And I think that, I know they're more sort of quoted and famous one is The Four Candles. Yeah. But I think the Mastermind one is better. Personally.

Yeah. Oh, I love it that was a good question we're not taught about sketch stuff I don't think you know sketch comedy

at it's best is phenomenal and sketch comedy from average downwards is shite and that's that's the problem like average stand up

is watchable average sketches aren't sketches have to be brilliant to be watchable and my mates Ed, Kiri and Gene did Ed, Kiri average sketches aren't. Sketches have to be brilliant to be watchable. My mates Ed, Kiri and Jean did Ed, Kiri and... Gaines Family Gift Shop. Yeah, they did Gaines Family Gift Shop a few years ago.

And I remember they were like, oh yeah, we're going to start doing sketches. And this is seven, eight years ago, maybe nine years ago. And everyone was like, why? No one does fucking sketches. And the first time I saw them do them live, it's really, watching three people,

four people who are really smart at what they do and were getting it right, it's an amazing thing to watch live. You're like, fuck, these are good. If you really do it properly, Kath and Kiri was directing it and producing it ed and james meyand just had such great chemistry on stage and the year after we went to see them live at edinburgh and it was a it was quality like they'd selling out a hundred seater really really well

done it was great yeah really well done and it was a proper like david o'doherty was in and what's your peter seraphinovitz oh yeah then it was like you were like sat there like my mates are doing a fucking sketch show that two years ago everyone had been like why are you doing this and then two or three years later they're getting the newcomer nomination and everyone's up their ass it was great to see peter seraphinovitz has got one of the funniest moments in British TV comedy history when Jimmy Carr asks if he likes puzzles

if he likes puzzles or something just go on YouTube and tell him do you like games just go and watch it Peter Serafinowicz 8 out of 10 cats

funniest moment it'll be the top of respectfully hey lids this is two questions from Liam and Chloe I don't know why I'm doing it like this today

have you ever been to watch the dart and if you could write on the little signs and be on TV what would you write well we've talked about the darts before but we've never done the what would you write on the little signs we're fucking massive Jimmy or patreon.com slash have a weird part I'd be like sneak

I'd love to go and watch the darts I've never been but I'd love to go and watch his art. I'd fuck it. I've never been, but I'd love to go to Lakeside and watch his art. Oh, Lakeside? Isn't it all Ali Pali these days? Yeah, Ali Pali, sorry. Lakeside's old.

BDO, not the BDO. You want the PDC, mate. Oh, no, you don't want the PDO. You want the pedophile. What? BDO and the PDC, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, man. BDO's like Martin Wolfie Adamsams i like the wba though what

the ibf ted hanky rest in peace two years in prison um who's in charge me or the devil i think i'm in charge yeah i remember that um two pints can we buy tickets right now have you whoa wait what you've never seen that video you haven't seen ted Ted Hankey's Who's in Charge Me or The Devil? Is the telly on? We can't play a video during a thing. Nobody owns this video. Don't get this episode taken off YouTube, though, eh? Don't get us copyright struck.

I'll watch it, but don't let too big an episode to get struck because we were like, you've not seen Ted Hankey talk shit. So do you know what you can do, right? I'm just muted. Yeah so do you know what you can do right i'm just muted yeah do you know what just cut this next five seconds out of the podcast and i'll i'll just show them the video dan has now seen the video if you haven't just go and go on youtube and put ted hanky the devil is he in prison for murdering women though

no he's doing something to women but it wasn't murdering them. All right, yeah, because he seems nice. Yeah. Oh, really? He got two years yesterday. Two years yesterday? He got sentenced to two years yesterday. Two years yesterday? Two years yesterday.

You know, he remembered two years yesterday. He got sentenced to two years yesterday in prison for being a lady toucher. What a surprise. Who's in charge? You're the general. Can we book tickets for the darts? 100%. At Ali Pali. Is it at Christmas? It's in December, You're the general. Can we book tickets for the darts? 100%. At Ali Pali.

Is it at Christmas? It's in December, isn't it? Yeah. It's either side of Christmas. The sun before... Through Christmas, yeah. It's one of the best parts. It's one of the best parts of Christmas night out.

Yes. So much. Wait. Right. Let's have a competition. We're all going to... We'll let the lids decide what we're having on our signs.

We're fucking massive, Jimmy. I'll do the answer. We'll work that out. Closer to the time. Yeah. Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Stay tuned on the Hathaway podcast

for nine months. But if someone goes, yeah, you show, we're fucking massive, Jimmy. I think it's got to be, you know, come on. Dan touches kids. Nice, creative.

I like it. And I'll hold it because I love a competition and I really stick to the rules of it. What are we dressing up as? How mental would it be to have a sign saying Dan touches kids if it was me that was holding it? It's one thing being a paedophile, but being a paedophile that talks about yourself in the third person.

Dan Nighting, touches kids. I don't know which is worse. We've got 3,000 images of children on your hard drive, Mr Nightingale. What do you want to say about that? Dan says, I've never seen those

before in my life. What are we dressing up as? A lobster. I won't be able to hold the sign. What? What? Do you have to dress up?

Do you have to do fancy dress? People do, don't they? Apparently if you sit in the pit at the bottom People throw pints of piss at you Alright, cool Let's not get them tickets then But they're the best tickets Yeah, but Adam knows people

What? Are you going to dance? I've got you fucking on stage You're playing against me I want to call I want to call the game 60 You got that right?

Oh my god Well there's the audition Isn't it 26 Numbers No no no The difficult ones Are the odd numbers John you need double four

You don't give them the outs You could say eight wouldn't you The difficult ones Are the numbers That aren't said as often That sound a bit odd Like if he gets like 100 and things

143 Mason Willard I could well be A darting on to me i'm so talented john you need double four thank you i know if you've never watched the podcast before it's confident isn't it and i'm the one with the issues with cocaine so thank god he didn't do it Right okay cool We'll get 180 No that's been taken That cadence You need your own What

180 No You've You've assumed it's been taken by one man That's just what they all sound No no no You've got to change it up You've got to change it up

You've got to do 180 Oh so I can do my own thing Yeah Change it up Change it up Make it your own You've got to do 180. Oh, so I can do my own thing? You've got to change it up. They've all got different ones. It's like Bruce Buffer, isn't it? Are you ready to rumble? You know, you've got to do your own.

Okay, so give me a number and I'll tell you how I'll say it. 89. No, hang on. Someone just did a 140. A 140. Ooh, 140. Wow. Why are you so disappointed? Oh, glad. Wow. Why is he disappointed?

Oh, lad. 140. No, everything else is pretty low, isn't it? 180 is the one that you really, that's the signature number, isn't it? Yeah. So you've got to do your own 180. 140. 26.

No, it's 26. Nine. There are 20 and 105. Shite. It's quite common. Okay. No, but he doesn't say, like, oh, 20. He's just going, 26.

26. Oh, 84. Oh, me tease. Calculator's on his watch. What, um... Yeah. What? You could have a calculator on a watch.

You could? Why would he? Yeah. 180. He's cool. 180. What's your 180? What?

Hundred and bastard 80 your 180 What Hundred and Bastard 80 What Hundred and Bastard 80 What

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What What What What What What What What What What What What What What What is it it's 180 180 141 is it 141 yeah well go on then you should set a 9 data so you need fuck it up

good that so you need I think you need oh treble 17 it ends on a bull doesn't it

treble 17 double top bull bull I think that's 19 I think even for TV

you're allowed to when they do that just go fuck off yeah Bullseye he's fucking got it 141

I think you're allowed to shout Gerard Gerard has anyone ever done that no one's ever done that Gerard no one's ever done a

has anyone done a Van der Veld has anyone done a five a nine dart finish? What? What the fuck did you just say out loud? Has that been done loads? It's done like fucking three times a game. It's not done three times a game.

This is where Adam is an absolute master of this. You fucking idiot. It's done 22 times a minute. It's possibly done once or twice a tournament. Oh, really? Yeah. I think there's like three at the end. Is there a special...

Fuck it. No, the crap. The best thing on... Go and watch Pause This. And go and watch one... Oh, my God. What's this? The episode of pauses?

Go and watch nine dark compilations. Peter Serafinowicz. Best moment in TV. Pause. Ted Hankey being a murderer. Pause. Nine dark finishes. It's a snuff film of him doing it.

Nine dark finishes. You could pause it. film of him doing it. Nine dark finishes. You could pause it or you could just wait until it happens naturally because it's going on every fucking minute. Go home. Go round to your nan.

She's doing nine dark finishes. Do they happen much? I've done one right now with me dick. Go and watch nine dark finish compilations. The crowd is... They all just get...

They start just bumming loads of men like it's not far away it just becomes a gay gangbang oh my god nine darth finnish it's a similar reaction to seeing like a fucking over a bicycle kick in the 90th minute yeah everyone goes fucking bananas right yeah can't wait because it's like but it happens three times a match yeah probably once two or three times a tournament maybe once or twice

wow what but it's special well let's hope we get one can't wait for that who's your favourite darts player then who's my favourite

darts player is it Devin Peterson it is Devin Peterson the man that we know on Twitter oh you know what he was so sound

when we put that clip out going are there black darts players i was like i'm sick of the history a lot and he was just like yeah cool i'm pretty good he was i like these lads my favorite holy shit devin peterson fuck me while i think about this the uh the darts player devin peterson has got his own uh darts out and i'm i he put it on twitter and i was was like, I want some of these. And he was going to send us some. I need to get back to that. Because when we, maybe, if we ever get a new studio,

we should get a dart board up. And I want Devin Peterson darts. Oh, my God. If we got the new studio soon, we could actually compete in the championships that we're going to watch. Warm up, yeah. So we could learn.

Should we have a patron special and ask Devin Peterson to come up? Yeah. Teach us. Our last game. I actually, I'm decent at could learn should we have a patron special and ask Devin Peterson to come up teach us our last game I actually am I'm decent at darts because we had a dart oh yeah oh yeah you are

is there anything you're not decent at though no the two the two sports it's a pub game is table tennis he's a grandmaster and darts

he's a grandmaster not great at breathing but fucking I think you're actually going to be blown away watching me play your table tennis you know I genuinely think your head's going to fall off fucking... I think you're actually going to be blown away watching me play your table tennis, you know? I genuinely think your head's going to fall off. Right.

Because I think you think I'm doing the whole overconfident bollocks thing that I do, you know, for a living. But his brother's better than him. I'm... He is. He always acts as a skater table tennis. I can't wait to watch you play ping pong. It's going to be fucking brilliant.

You call it table tennis in the game. If you're anything short of Forrest Gump, when he's like... I'm going to be fucking brilliant if you're anything short of Forrest Gump when he's like I'm going to be disappointed I thought he ran what

I haven't seen Forrest Gump I just thought he was a split you haven't seen Forrest Gump you're fucked you have

no I haven't I know the famous fucking do you think it's just a laugh is like a box of M&M's oh you said that

wrong on purpose there laugh is like a box of M&M's. Oh, you said that wrong on purpose there. It's changed there. Life is like a box of chocolates. I saw you sell out the film on it. You never know what you're going to get, which is the stupidest phrase in film history. Break it down. Because it comes with a fucking list.

Every box of chocolates comes with a list. You know exactly what you're getting. Why don't you close your eyes? No, but that's not possible. He's blind? Forrest Gump is blind. Yeah, that I would accept. Life is like a bag of Revels.

You never know what you're going to get. Fine, I'd be all right with that. I know the shape of a Revel. I know what I'm getting, a Maltese or a coffee. No, but there's still a slight bit of ambiguity. You're never 100% sure.

If I pick up a strawberry cream from a fucking, you know, some Thorntons, I know it's a strawberry cream because I've got a fucking list with it and they all come with it. It's one of the worst quotes. I can't believe it became a famous thing

because it's fucking bollocks. It's stupid. Like it's one of the only things in life that when you buy it, you know exactly what you're going to get. Yeah. Please put that on the sign for the darts. I want Adam to have that.

Who's your favourite darts player? Devin Peterson. Mine used to be Phil Taylor, but he's a big fucking Tory. He's a fat Tory gobshite. He falls down the stairs Taylor but he's a big fucking He's a fat, tawny, gob-shite. He falls down the stairs. And he's white.

Yeah. Raymond Van Barneveld. Why? He's got a nice name, hasn't he? Yeah, it's fun. Ah,

Barney. I love Vanders. Who's my favourite? Yeah, I like, who's Uncle Fester? Oh. He's in the Adam family.

Van Gerwen. Van Gerwen, yeah. He's very good. I hate Gerwen Price, he's a cunt family fangirl he's very good I gave him place he's a cunt sorry Finn great

good dutch chat love it see you there mate are we going before Christmas or can we go in the gooch oh let's go in the gooch how many goes in the final it's all boring in the gooch

we're going to the final oh the final yeah that's like early January we've conquered all the darts stuff.

Oh, no. With them people, aren't we? You only go to the big games. Yeah, we are. Let's go to our quarters. No, we're going to the final. I don't think they have fan darts, you know. I don't think there's like darts season tickets.

How the fuck have they got darts tickets in the ballot? This fucking beaut just thinks he can rock up to the final. Where was he? The final. He's in January. It's not listed yet, but it's... It's early January.

It's the first two weeks of January. Yeah, it's early doors. Muswell Hill. Second of January. Is it? Yeah. Oh, nice.

Oh, my God. Muswell Hill, isn't it? Alley Pally. North London. It's going to be great. I can't wait. Bars. Right. A couple be great. I can't wait. Bars.

Right. A couple of would-you-rathers from Becky Louise Else. Would you rather? And these are, you know, pretty serious. We take them all seriously, don't we? Of course. Would you rather be able to retain memories in incredible, vivid detail? That's all the memories ever. You can just like literally

like a fucking hard drive or be able to forget things forever at will the second one because the first one is horrific and the second one is brilliant isn't it can you choose well in theory yeah if you'd be able to retain memories in incredible vivid detail it's not like you're just bombarded by every memory of your life it's just

if you want to remember stuff you've got it perfectly best to be able to forget than to remember okay good

and that's when Adam started drinking yeah it is though isn't it I don't want to remember everything from everything I've ever done while I'm drunk

in vivid detail there's sexual encounters that I never want to remember everything from everything I've ever done while I'm drunk in vivid detail. There's sexual encounters that I never want to remember. The fucking, like, absolute gangrenous pussy that was in my face. Oh, way. Gangrenous. You've just made that up. You've never had a gangrenous pussy. No, I haven't. But I've had a couple that I don't want to remember the look of.

I've got one. You've got a gangrenous pussy? No! I've got a sex memory. See, imagine being able to just click your fingers now and that's gone. Oh, I love that gone. Do you remember when Bill Bear did that bit?

And it's one of the best, just it was a short bit about like shouting memories out of your head. When you have a cringy memory and you go, what? And his wife's like like what have you done i've left the hot on every day because he shouts every day i have one that is from 20 years ago it's just the cringe you can smell that memory i bet there's a smell there what jumper i was

wearing for some reason it's attached to this jumper in my mind what jumper was it er are you sure you can remember it was a Mickey it was a Mickey Mouse jumper how old are you is this a bad memory

yeah do you get fucked by a priest or something I was at Disneyland you know you're just trying to you know bummed by Goofy I can remember it

like it was yesterday no wonder you can remember it imagine getting everyone would remember getting bummed by Goofy imagine getting sexually abused at Disneyland by one of the characters

I used to be scared of them me here's a question hey what happened no because the massive things and big fucking stupid heads and massive hands who isn't scared of them

unless you're a fucking gim I reckon he's still scared of them no I'm not because I've knocked them out no they can't

they can't hurt you now what did they come at you with the big fucking expressionless faces. And they knob out. No! And they knob out. I'm not wrong. Did you get fiddled by Goofy?

Because if they're sad, they look exactly the same. And angry, they're just like, hey, I'll kill you. But they're fucking smiling. Fuck, big... We don't need to... We know what they look like, mate. Mickey Mouse at Disneyland. I bet he's a fucking

Child killer Look at him Taylor's early on Just pause this To find out what Mickey Mouse looks like Look at that If he's having a bad day

If he's just found out Like his washing machine's broke He still looks like that Hello Come to mine And I'll fucking Shag your ass No

Is that what happens When your washing machine breaks You become a paedophile just through frustration. Look at Goofy. Yeah. If you're going to get fiddled by one of them,

which one is it? Look at that! No, I was terrified. People do have phobias of Mickey Mouse. Yeah, because look at his stupid fucking head. You know, you've got

a Looney Tunes jumper. Dumper. It was like that that it was like an eye yeah ironic yeah and i remember it was it was my she'd only just split with my mate about a month before and we just we drank and then we ended up back and you know when you're like why i was so bad i wish i could just delete that from my fucking mind. However, I didn't get fingered by Goofy at fucking Disneyland. If you were going to get fingered by Goofy at Disneyland, would you

rather him keep his hat on or take it off? Great question. I'll go hat on. Let's not break character. Look at him, the big fucking weird cunt. He's been god he looks he's been to disneyland yeah three of them i was i was meant i had a i had a book to go this year with my ex-girlfriend that was gonna be my first jaunt uh i think i've got to get to the point where i've got kids now

yeah no you haven't it's two different experiences you can definitely still go now on my own. Yeah, it's fucking unbelievable. Carl just goes for revenge. I'm going to Paris at the end of May. Stay an extra day. Go. I imagine all the Liverpool fans descending on Paris.

Going to Disneyland Paris the day before the game. Oh, God. All the Make-A-Wish kids having the day ruined. Yeah, get that baby. You little fucking goofies at head. Come on, mate.

Go on, mini. Would you like to have an eidetic memory what's that it's like photographic memory so you see something and then you just retain the knowledge well that's what he was offering wasn't it and no i don't want it i mean being able to forget is the greatest privilege the mind gives us clip it out clip it. Being able to forget is the greatest gift the mind gives us and that is the mantra of the dementia society. Grandad doesn't recognise you but remember... What remember? Remember what? Yeah. No, but when you forget stuff, dementia aside, when you forget stuff,

it is your brain protecting you from pain, isn't it? Yeah. Your brain is trying to protect you from pain. To be fair, he's kind of got a point. You know, people do block stuff out. That's why when you're hammered, like your brain goes, right, let's turn the memory bit off

so he doesn't remember pissing on this fucking garage door and getting arrested for it let's let's make sure he doesn't know why he got kicked out of pop world let's make sure he doesn't know why he woke up in a bin like why would i need any of that information at any point that's the mantra of the algorithm that's how the brain not to take it dark okay oh here we go but if you if you ever like seriously goofy abused like you were talking about before you get goofied if you get goofy

you get roofied by goofy if you get roofied as a kid you don't want to get roofied you don't want to remember it do you you want to be able

to watch a Mickey Mouse cartoon and not be scarred for life that's 100% true and that's one of the you know the great blessings of roofie

what alright okay what are you going for? Why have you gone to Dakar? Why have you ruined everyone's day? Which? Scary Disney characters. I've just seen Winnie the Pooh there.

There's Big Moth. Winnie the Pooh. Yeah. How have you been to Disneyland four times? Florida, Paris, and then two in Tokyo. Okay, wow. Tremendous. Been everywhere, me, lads.

He's not even been to South Wales Finn Oh yeah I've been to Disneyland Fucking everywhere I reckon if there was a Disneyland card I thought we might have Been by now

There's two different ones In Tokyo There's no motorway There should be one over here Disneyland Liverpool Would be great wouldn't it No Where's that

What Where's that Just near the dock A little bit on top Of Knowsley Safari Park On top Oh there's a lion Oh rollercoaster.

They exist. Bush Gardens, that exists. Yeah. What's that? Yeah. Bush Gardens. Yeah, in Florida.

Like a Safari Gaff with a theme park. I went to the Epcot Centre when I was in Florida. The big golf ball. Yeah. It's shite, isn't it? Yeah.

And we went to Sea World. Sad, isn't it? T-Cars, man. No, it wasn't when I was a kid. I thought it was fucking great because no one had told me that all the orcas are like, like sad,

abuse victims. They're all dead sad. Killer whales are dead sad, aren't they? Why? Like, I think they always look happy. I don't want to jump no more, sir.

I'd love to be there the day a lady got her leg bit off. That'd be good, though. It was on my birthday. What, when the lady got her leg bit off? No, when she got killed. Happy birthday to you. Have you ever seen Blackfish on Netflix? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. No. It's absolutely... No, I'm not joking. It's brilliant. Yeah, yeah. It's pretty bleak.

But when I was a kid at SeaWorld, I didn't know any of that. I just thought it was happy fucking sea creatures jumping around for me. Oh, I've been slashed. I didn't know they were like, kill me, sir. Kill me.

Kill me. I was taken from my mum and my papa. No, they're not trying to escape, are they? Do you know what's sad? Watch Blackfish. It's really brutal. Oh, here we go. I've not researched it or watched the film

and I know nothing about killer whales or orcas but what a load of fucking shite oh but they don't know for sure do they they don't know

because I don't know whether you know about this mate killer whales can't speak so how are they meant to communicate

he's done a little bit of reading have you ever seen a sad dog yeah how do you know a sad can't speak what do you mean

exactly what I said is what I mean how do you know a sad can't speak? What do you mean? Exactly what I said is what I mean. How do you know the dog was sad? Because there's a human connection with dogs. We don't have that with whales. We haven't got a fucking clue what's going on in their mind. He had a human connection with Goofy. Let it go. Look at it. There's not a human alive who can look at a killer whale and go, he's happy,

he's sad, he's hungry, he's horny. No one knows when a killer whale wants to fuck, I'm telling you. Except for the people He's horny. No one knows when a killer whale wants to fuck. I'm telling you. Except for the people who are literally trained. No one knows. Apart from the guy who's got a killer whale humping on him. And then you've got an inkling. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You never see when the dorsal fin bends because they've been fucking abused that much. But why do we know that that's why that happens? Because it only happens in captivity and it's not a happy thing. How do we know that? We haven't been fucking deep sea

diving with killer whales and going, oh, keep an eye out for the floppy fin. They have. No, they haven't. They don't watch them for long enough. Maybe the fin stays up when they're in the deep sea with them because the whale's like, keep your fins up, lads, because this cunt comes over. What's he on about? It's the conviction, isn't it?

Keep your fins up, lads. Do you know, just honestly, I, honestly, on this Would You Rather, I'll take the second and just delete some of this podcast. No! Fucking orcas! You fucking twat. What about dolphins? Look, I understand that animals in captivity,

generally speaking, is frowned upon. And I get why. I really, really do. But I think some of them are lazy like me if i was an orca i wouldn't want to go hunting for fish i'd want fucking john the orca fucking keeper to bring the fish john that's a netflix documentary what was he gonna be called guys he was always gonna be called john i prefer a pool to the sea i always have all right right they're in a pool no but they're on holiday in florida how much money people pay to go to florida

they're in florida they're in a pool and every day every day every day three times a day someone comes over and goes here's a bucket of fish you didn't have to hunt for i'm not saying they all are i'm not saying i agree with it i'm just saying I'm telling you for a fact Some of them are made up Hang on So they get to swim the ocean So like Break that down Yeah yeah Take him on Carl So imagine you being in a cage

Where you can't move Or Someone gives you custard creams These times are they I think you're talking To the wrong person What are you talking about You're in a cage

And you can't move Often I just stay in me flat For days on end Eating stuff And I get a man On a bike No Balthazar to bring me Chinese food. Because that's my favorite thing. And fish to whales is salt and pepper chicken to me. The flat isn't too big.

The pools, they've got more room in the pool than I've got in my flat. But think of the fucking ratio of the sea to the pool. Oh my God, Carl, you're actually taking him on seriously. I love it. Yeah, think of the ratio from the sea to the pool yeah oh my god carl you're actually taking him on seriously i love it yes think of the ratio from the sea to the pool okay think of a ratio to the of the entire planet to my flat that's the same thing but you don't travel the planet i could i choose not to because i'm comfortable with me fucking hot and sour soup and he wants a tuna can i ask you what your delivery guy's called again thought Balthazar. Cool, cool, cool. Thought I'd heard it.

Just wanted to check. John Balthazar. John Balthazar. I'm just saying the fish don't want to be there. I'm sure the fish don't. They're getting fed to the fucking orcas. Yeah, no one wants to be there. You don't know that?

You do not know that? Does me head, isn't it? All this animal activism. Yeah, stop speaking for orcas. Because they don't know what the orcas want. I guarantee you, if you released all the orcas want i guarantee yeah if you released all those orcas tomorrow and we're like go ahead live your lives i reckon yeah maybe after more more we'll fuck off and be like yeah the sea great all of them would be like fuck this

mate and they try and get back all of them would die within an hour then you're proving me point carl doesn't joke about killer whales does he just saying some of them would be like why would I want to go in the fucking sea

it's salty me eyes in it and get me back in the pool and get me me fucking fish drink fish drink

fish drink strong we can have a break now we'll just pause it here and watch black fish Strong. We're going to have a break now. We'll just pause it here and watch Blackfish. Yeah, go watch Blackfish and then come back. Ted Anki's good, isn't he?

Sick of people pretending they know what animals are thinking. We're targeted, guessing at best. What about zoos? People don't even know what I'm thinking. I'm a human. Can I lie? Can I fake my emotions? Yeah, you fucking orcas are always lying.

No, but they probably can, can't they? Maybe they're not sad. Maybe the thin thing's not sad. Maybe they're just trying a new hairstyle. No, maybe they're pretending to be sad. Why? They want a day off. They don't get a day off. Oh, my God.

Can we stop talking about fucking orcas? Love you guys. Let's have a break. Shane Gillis is coming. What about zoos? Oh, Jesus. What about zoos? How do Jesus. What about zoos? How do you feel about them?

Depends what bit you're talking about. Sure, some of the animals are fucking gutted that they're not in the Serengeti, 100%. Serengeti. But I guarantee you there's a few monkeys who love Chester and don't want to leave. Facts. Straight unadulterated facts you never know

if you could communicate with those monkeys and get them to learn English and speak it back to you I guarantee if you're in some of them right we'll take you to the jungle or you can stay here

and we'll give you the peanuts every day they'll be like why would I go anywhere pass the KP do you know the brand pass them KP lad dry roasted Do you know the brand? Past MKP, lad. How do they eat nuts?

Big tongues, haven't they? So book the darts, is what we're saying. Thanks for your question, Becky. I think we nailed it. Was that a bad question? Was it really? Was that the darts question? No, it was the would you rather.

The memories. Jesus Christ. Ironically. Going to go for a break. What about zoos? Fucking hell. Right, let's have a break. All about zoos? Fucking hell. Right. All right, lads.

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Nice one, lads. Jazzy, jazzy, bang, bang. Welcome back. Part three. For the people who are watching and listening. Shane Gillis is here. Hey. For the people watching and listening. Shane Gillis is here! Hey. For the people watching and listening.

Hey. How are you? I'm good. Thanks for coming in. I'm alright. Welcome to Runcorn! Yes. First and last time.

Runcorn, yeah. Where are you originally from? I know you're based in New York. I'm from a town called Mechanicsburg in Pennsylvania. Okay. I think you might be the first person ever from Pennsylvania to be in Runcorn. Has to be. Maybe Ben Franklin.

Maybe. Yo, this is what we should start with. I just remembered this. It's VE Day, dude. Oh, yeah. You guys are welcome. You're welcome, bros. Thanks.

We did it. Do you know what's really funny about that? What? So, I didn't even know that right and that is never celebrated in the uk apart from in 2020 in lockdown one when when the country was in lockdown the streets just had ve day parties and it was like everyone's gone look we're locked up but i'm not not celebrating there's no no chance. We do it every year. On what day?

No, nobody in American. No. But thank you. But yeah. Thank you, Shane. I was on the ride over and there was a Jeep. I saw like an army Jeep from World War II. So somebody must be having a parade.

And I was like, oh yeah, we did that. You're welcome, Ron Conn, or whatever the fuck this is. We saved you. Oh my God. Oh my God, you made it sound like Jennifer Aniston has been in. Ron Conn. Ron Conn. Yeah, VED this year, and every year from now on,

will be fuck all. No, it was lockdown one. People just wanted an excuse to get drunk in the street. Yeah. And they're like, what day is it? It's VE Day. They just celebrated anything. Yeah.

Just to be able to. What's VE Day? What does it stand for? Victory in Europe. Come on, bro. Victory in Europe. It was World War II. I actually celebrate VJ Day.

So thank you again. Hell yeah. That was us again. Is that September? I think that's September. I have no idea when it is. When you went really serious about ending the war. We got very serious. This is dragging on.. Hell yeah. That was us again. Is that September? I think that's September. I have no idea when it is. When you went really serious about ending the war. We got very serious.

This is dragging on. Drop the big boy. Yeah. Whoa. And Japan went, all right, okay. You're really not fucking around. Yeah. I used to do it.

Yeah. It's funny. My friend and I make these sketches and one of them, we were trying to figure out a way to make a sketch about when America knew they had the nukes and japan was like talking to the president and being like we will never surrender and the president being like i bet you did why don't you watch tv tomorrow check the news tomorrow i bet you say sorry but it wasn't even the first one. It was the second one that really... They were like,

yeah, these guys are bluffing. They'll never do it again. The first one, they were like, all right, we get it. We're like, I don't know if you do. Here's another one.

We've already booked the flight. Well, it's already over there, so... We're not going to bring a bomb back. Got no storage for it.'ve already fallen we've already gave up the storage locker we just need to drop it yeah how is this your first time in the uk yeah it's the first like i've i came to london once right before covid okay and it was just london like this is the first time i'm seeing it's nice so you've done i only went to london i thought england sucked yeah because london's shit london's yeah it'd be like going to new york and

saying you went to america well i've nothing i don't know i've only been to new york and i love new york new york's pretty cool i do like it yeah um i imagine i won't like la that's pretty fucking cool is it good yeah if you're doing stand-up, LA's awesome. And now Austin's kicking off. Austin's great. Because Rogan's moved there and took 75 other comedians with him. Yeah, Austin's awesome. LA's cool if you're doing stand-up.

Like, the first time I went to LA, I was doing stand-up, so I was like, it's the best place I've ever been. Okay. And it's perfect. Yeah. The people do suck, but they're nice. They're nice. They're just gorgeous taking selfies it's

exactly what it's every stereotype it's everything you think it's gonna be everything you think it's gonna be yeah and what's england like for what your stereotype of england was so you've done manchester honestly it's way nicer than i thought it was gonna be i mean it's like it is pretty up here it's beautiful there's hills i don't think's hills. I didn't think you guys had hills. I don't think you've seen all the rom-com. Bro. We are the Mechanicsburg of the Northwest. You guys, there's been one homeless guy in every town I've seen.

That's pretty good. They're elected. Yeah. I saw the one guy in Manchester. I was like, you fucking loser. No one else is homeless, dude. At least in America, everyone's homeless. I don't know what streets you've been avoiding, but's plenty of homeless people if you come to liverpool we

pride ourselves on having the best homeless people in the world really yeah or the dead sound there's a guy who wears a multi-colored suit and he's got uh could you get a picture of Pete Hall? Is that his name? Pete. His name's Pete. You guys have so few homeless. You know their fucking names. No, but you'll see. They're complimentary in Liverpool. This guy's a celebrity though. Like he, so he sings, but you know, like,

you know, in Toy Story, the thing Woody has. So it's this guy. That's a great homeless guy. This guy's homeless. His name is Pete. That guy's not homeless. He is Pete that guy's not homeless he fucking is he used to have

he's not though he used to have a cardboard guitar he's got a picture in the paper he used to have a cardboard guitar and he drew the strings on and he said has someone got a pencil I've broke a string

and this is why this is why I don't give to the homeless because what's their shtick what's their shtick do you know when I walk past him so in Liverpool he will be stood there, and 20 yards away is a real busker, a real singer,

and I always give him the money, because he needs it more than the guy who's got an electric guitar. Right. Show them Kensington, Philadelphia. Kensington, Philadelphia? Yeah, yeah. Is that the worst bit of Philadelphia?

It's probably the worst bit. That's probably the worst bit of Liverpool as well. Kensington, Liverpool, Kensington, Philly. There you go. The zombies.

Yeah. It's just zombies. I mean, it's just everybody's on heroin. So it's a street of just fucking hell. Oh shit. Yeah. Oh my God.

You guys think you have homeless. These are our, that's Nancy. What song? Oh shit. Yeah. Oh my God. You guys think you have homeless. These are our, that's Nancy.

What song? There she is. She looks. Do you know what I love about that photo? It's clearly been taken with a ring light. She's lit perfectly. She's got 2.3 million followers on Instagram. Why are they all?

They're nodding off. That's heroin. Why are they all bent over? That's nodding off your feet. They're nodding off That's heroin Why are they all bent over Oh my god That's nodding off Your feet They've got They've got incredible balance Yeah

It's crazy No it's the worst place Oh my god Yeah bro This is everywhere Holy shit Yeah we don't have homelessness Like this

No this is what This is homeless Wow Jesus Christ. Yeah, look at that guy. We have men in lovely suits. Yeah, you guys have a guy. I don't think we're doing Liverpool.

I almost feel like Liverpool. Come on, we can rustle up some smack heads. You can't touch our heroin problem. America's- Oh my, the actual zombies, yeah? I mean, they'll get you. None of them are nice either. You guys say you have complimentary-

Nice heroin addicts. They're so mean. Oh no, they're- They're so fucking mean, dude. They'll get you. None of them are nice either. You guys say you have complimentary. Nice heroin addict. They're so mean. Oh, no, they're fucking mean. They're so fucking mean, dude. They'll chase you. The homeless people in Liverpool have worked out that if they're nice to you, they're a bit like lovely hot lads.

Don't worry about giving me money. You just have a lovely date and your complexion's dead nice. And then you give them money. It's weird, dude. Are they ever mean when you don't? When you're gigging in Liverpool. No, no.

Have a nice day, mate. You have a nice day. It's okay. Hey, Shane, love live in Austin. It's like that level they ever mean when you don't? When you're gigging in Liverpool. Have a nice day, mate. You have a nice day. It's okay. Hey, Shane. Love live in Austin. It's like that level of like, whoa. There's a guy. And then you give money.

There's a guy who sits in a wheelchair outside Liverpool Central train station. He's got no legs. When I first met him, he had one leg. Oh, no. He's since lost. Oh, no. But he sits there all day. And just just he doesn't stop saying nice things so he's not actually talking to you but you'll just walk past them and you just say cheers now have a

good day thank you have a good day have a great day everybody have a good day thank you guys have a good day and people just occasionally will give him a pound you would think that would you know all that good the good vibes he's putting out could have had a leg that's a fucking letdown the thing is the homeless in america they'll give you a compliment and then if you don't give them money they'll be like fuck you bitch fucking gay ass motherfucker you're like all right dude ugly ass girlfriend like just he blames the students doesn't he for the loss of his legs yeah so the guy in liverpool i don't know this one's name i'm gonna ask him his name next time we see him he used to go to medicate he used to go to a nightclub do the queue outside the nightclub

he yeah he patrolled that and the students are given money which meant he lost his legs due to drugs so he blames the students no No, you've got that slightly wrong. So he would go to the nightclub queue and ask for money and they would go, no, but do you want some drugs? Ah, right. And they'd give him drugs. Okay. So now, and then he lost-

Fucking students. That's pretty nice. I've got no money, but I do have ketamine if you want this. Oh, I thought it was- And I think that is now he's like, I'd have been fine if they just gave me money. What about, when is crystal meth coming to it?

Not that I'm, you know. Yeah. I feel like crystal meth in my head, I think I've watched too much Dog the Bounty Hunter and crystal meth is the, I thought everyone was on fucking meth in the States. Depends where you are.

Or is that just Hawaii? Depends where you are. Oh, that's the local. So like the Northeast and like the where you are. Or is that just Hawaii? Depends where you are. Oh, that's the local. So like the Northeast and like the Appalachian Mountains is all heroin. Heroin's taking over everything.

But like the Southwest is, in LA, there's a lot of meth. Florida, there's a lot of meth. So those are the scariest homeless. Like at least in the Northeast, they're just asleep, standing. But if you get to like LA and Texas, they'll chase you yeah they're like

they're like 28 days later exactly that's the dude exact comparison i've used like we have the old old school zombies that are like you get out there they'll fucking chase them you bitch and just go lock on the one guy for no reason and they're great like three blocks away they'll be like there's that motherfucker and you'll just be standing there like, not me, not me. They'll run past you. You'll be like, thank God. Nobody helps anybody. Whoever's getting attacked by a homeless guy, you're just like, that's not me.

Thank God. It's like we're fucking water buffalo. Like there's one getting attacked and we're all just like, all right. They got him. The herd keeps moving. Yeah. Have you been chased? No, I haven't. I have never been. I've just like, all right, they got him. The herd keeps moving. Have you been chased? No, I haven't.

I have never been. I've been like. That's why you're in Northeast. Spit at. Oh. And like talk shit to. Like do your thing. Like pretty regularly.

Like a guy will be like, fuck you looking at, bitch. And you just got to be like, nothing, dude. Nothing. Please leave me alone. Yeah, the homeless is a real problem. See, that, compared to what we have in Liverpool, is so... It's crazy.

It's so different. It's the first thing I noticed was I was like, damn, there's like almost no homeless. No, they integrate a bit better. They're not obviously homeless, really, compared to like what he sees. Yeah, it's not like that where they've got everything they own with them

in a doorway hang on we're playing a bit of a roast interview of the UK there is some I believe you and I've probably just been in nicer areas yeah where did you play in Manchester the academy yeah

the academy too by the way. Yes. I need to make that clear. Because I was talking to these kids at a bar the night before, and I was like, I'm at the Academy. And they were like, yo, you must be famous. And then I checked the thing. I was like, fuck, I'm at the small venue.

I'm thinking of the lying. You're next to the uni there, aren't you? Yeah. It's not too bad around there. No, it was nice. And then the wardrobe in Leeds tonight. Yeah. And then you're on to Glasgow, there isn't it it's not too bad no it was nice and then the wardrobe in Leeds tonight yeah and then you're on to

Glasgow, Dublin, London yes and you did the stadium tour of Old Trafford yeah dude I've always wanted to see it are you into football

yeah not I don't know it's all because of FIFA everybody in America likes soccer from playing FIFA yeah

so I liked when I started playing FIFA Man U was the best so that's the team i like now everybody likes liverpool yes yeah so get ready for that to suck that's annoying when just bandwagons yeah but um liverpool's always been so big anyway yeah that we're used to that already jake pa is the winner? Jake Paul is a Liverpool fan. And he's tweeting about it constantly. And that is already annoying.

Like, I don't mind all of America being Liverpool fans. I just don't want Jake Paul to be Liverpool's new super fan. Yeah, when he's asking to play up front. Yeah, I can. I fucking can. Yeah, you probably can. Such an arrogant guy. He probably can. He really probably can.

That was the biggest bummer about all of his boxing matches was like, all right, this guy's talking shit. He's finally going to get knocked out. Then he would just go knock out some dude. He'd be like, Jesus Christ, this kid's incredible. It'd be great if he fights a boxer and wins. Because everyone wants him to lose. And as much as I think he's a bit of a dick,

I want him to keep winning because it's funnier if he does dude it'd be really funny if jake paul ends up what last night he called canelo alvarez out of course he did because i could do that because canelo's not gonna fight me either and i get to look like the guy who called canelo out yeah well he could if jake pa Paul keeps winning and winning and winning, and then he beats some real boxers, can you imagine if there's a world title fight that Jake Paul is in? Just because it's funny. I don't want to imagine that. You'd buy that pay-per-view. This is so annoying, though.

This is like when celebrities, like, to a boxer, this must be infuriating. I'm not a boxer. I know, but as a comic anymore it would be like a fucking celebrity going I'm gonna try stand up and then being amazing at it yeah like that would be so

fucking annoying if like Courtney Cox have you seen Courtney Cox's new Netflix special she's fucking brilliant who's top three at the moment well Gillis is up there I believe you

Courtney Cox is fucking some of her I believe you isn't that kind of what you've aced it when the courtney cox thing i was like damn she's got a special it would be disheartening to see them like be like all right good luck dude it's a lot harder than it looks they just kill like that it's not the friends reunion you wanted but we've got six half hour specials they're all doing fucking stand-up that's what gervais did though isn't it wasn't everyone like go on try stand up and he was like okay no so ricky gervais had done a bit of stand-up as a younger man then sort of stopped because

the office became as big as it did he just didn't have a lot of success on the circuit in london and then people went are you ever going to try standing up and he went yeah and then sold because of the offers sold as many tickets as anyone ever did his first tour

to thousands was it Animals his first one yeah it was fine it was alright he's got a lot better because you do don't you

you get better as you go he just was new in front of 1500 people a night and had a special but it yeah but you can also see it if you go back

because i remember we watched animals when we were a lot younger before i even did stand up and you think it's great because you like ricky gervais if you go back and watch it now he looks like someone doing his first 40 gigs yeah was animals the one with the jokes about animals like an elephant like he invented the animals like weird yeah yeah yeah yeah I thought it was great

when I was younger and I watched it I was like this is one of the best specials I've ever seen if you watch it now you go oh he's reading off notes

I've been doing stand up a few years when that came out and there was a real snobbery about it over here yeah oh well it's not proper

you know because that's your little self-defense mechanism isn't it like well fuck you because you didn't struggle like i did properly it's always and then and then he's you know it is i love ricky gervais's stand-up maybe that was like the first english comedy i really watched oh really why that was probably the first british stand-up i ever who are the ones over from over here that get like... Because over here, if you know American comedy, I think it's a sign that you're into your stand-up properly.

If you know... I speak to people, they love the question on this. Who are your favorite comics? Who are you into? And I pretty much exclusively watch American stand-up because I don't know who are the cunts. I just get to go, oh, I like your stand-up. Over here, I know all the shitbags. I've worked with people. You can't detach from that. Who are the cunts i just get to go oh i like your stand-up over here i know all the shit bags i've

worked with people you can't detach from that who are the uk comics that have sort of made it over there and are well known and well liked probably none i mean that i mean that like that are big obviously gervais but like jimmy car yeah And that's pretty much it, isn't it? That's insane. Like, there's... No, but there's comics from here who can go and sell tickets. Like, Michael McIntyre can sell thousands of tickets

and Russell Howard. Sloss? Yeah. Yeah, Sloss. The same way that... Whoever's been on Netflix, basically. Yeah, totally. But it's also...

There's the other guy. There's a... Jack Whitehall there's a kid right now a younger guy with red hair James Acaster James Acaster's big right now

he's doing quite well but again that's Netflix isn't it yeah but the he's also not like household name level he's not where everyone

knows the name I mean I'm a comedian and I was like and you're like the guy with the hair yeah yeah yeah you know yeah but American comedy and i think like

netflix has started this but youtube now as well is making the comedy community so global that everyone's sort of getting to know each other like shane's here today because we've followed each other on instagram from seeing each other's stuff and like podcasts especially people are seeing each other's stuff like you're selling tickets off YouTube, which is fucking amazing. Yeah, it's crazy. Have Netflix come sniff. They must be having a wild sniff. I don't know.

I don't know because I just put that one out. It did some fucking numbers though. It did. Still going. I know having a comic and you never want to be blowing smoke up each other's ass. It's a fucking great hour of stand-up. Thank you. It's rare.

And teaching people how to do a Trump impression and finding a new angle on Trump after he's already gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're the new Courtney Cox. I could be the next Chandler. Keep going, kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've showed a lot of people, actually, your sketches.

Thank you. So obviously you've done a chunk of them. The Trump one was the first one I seen. And then the last all white football team. But my favorite too, by a distance, the blind guy ruins a wedding. You're the first guy to say that. What?

That was like my, that was one of my favorites. It's so fucking. And that was like, so John McKeever writes and edits and directs and kind of stars in a lot of them. He's, that was the one, the blind wedding was like one of them that I was like, wouldn't it be funny if we did this? And he was like, all right, yeah, we can film it.

We quote that all the time. All right, good. I can't see. We say that all the time. We've been at a wedding this weekend and he offered me a thousand pounds to do that. Walk up to the bride. Oh, fuck. What the fuck happened to your face yeah and the the other one i love is the sleepwalking cop yeah that was fun because it was the first one we filmed yeah they're just fucking great and i think obviously i don't know

you've covered it on other podcasts we don't want to go into it too much you're going to be on saturday night live at one point that went away and that was obviously going to be sketches and it just from a comic who largely produces his own stuff and the way the industry is going in that a lot of people are making their own stuff that's got to be satisfying to have had a sketch job taken away and gone i'll just make my own fucking stuff that no one gets to tell me is inappropriate i'm excited about yeah when i the first thing i'm doing when i get back is we're filming like 10 more so that'll be fun okay is it with all your mates from philly yeah i love that as well yeah that's nice we get because everybody that's like helping us now is like why don't we get some some bigger names in it it's like i don't know it's

just us it's better that way we find that a lot with this so like getting big names on this couch yeah isn't they're never really our best episodes no like getting a celebrity on you're like we're gonna get a little numbers boost and we'll get some more patreon members and subscribers but they're never the top episodes the best episodes are when we get a fucking reprobate on who we've known for 12 years, who just sits there and talks about how shit their lives are. Yeah, that's the best. By far.

You should get the fucking guitarist. Oh, that'd be fucking amazing. We can give him that guitar. He can't talk. Why? Can he talk? He can sing. Well, he can talk.

No, but he's like, genuinely, his singing voice is, that is it. Maybe he can sing well he can talk no but he's like genuinely his singer voice is maybe you can't we'll do it if you get one of your heroin addicts on yours as soon as we see that on your podcast we'll be like shit shane's laid down the gauntlet that'd be the whole episode a great podcast i'm having Matt, your co-host? You and Matt doing a full podcast with just an absolute cracker, just asleep, stood up in the corner. Every now and then you just pan the mic. What's going on with you? How are you doing?

Pretty good right now. I assume This run of UK dates Is You're putting a new hour together To get it filmed And release another special Yeah

Yeah I'm trying Right now it's I probably have like A half hour Okay That's good The rest I'm just Up there stretching

When did you Film Austin Like last summer I filmed that last summer Yeah So Is that homeless pimp From Chrissy

Chaos that yeah yeah yeah yeah he helped and McKeever the guy who does Gillian Keeves so why Austin because I love that room is that is that just in the cave in it is it in Austin in the cave just a great club I had never been there the first time I was there was the first night because it opened there it was in New York she Rebecca Trent owns that room it was in new york she rebecca trent owns that room it was in new york where like i started kind of in new york um it's where everybody started in new york uh and then she opened isn't that where legion of skanks was birthed out of the cave and they have to stand now yeah yeah uh it closed down during covid she moved to austin and that's yeah i saw pictures of it i was like yeah let's film it there. It's small,

compact. That'll be good. I fucking love that for a special. It's so much. I didn't want to do the way it's shot. Like I could have done like a small theater in Philly. It would have been, I don't know. I think it's better to do a club for that.

Like if I'm doing a YouTube special, I don't want it to be. I think it's going to be showy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So did you finish the special? If I could,

if I was, if I was, you know, I was probably just lacking confidence. Right. Probably could have done a nice thing. But it works. It works. Did you just dump all the stuff?

Did you dump them as soon as it was recorded? I mean, yeah. I'm still using a couple of the same premises. But yeah. Pretty much. And are you on? So this always fascinates me. I always.

So we've spoke a lot about stand up on this podcast and sort of we romanticize and idolize the way the american circuit works and i try and because in the uk there's this thing where when comedians get to a certain level it looks to me like they stop working as hard because they tape a special or they tape a dvd or whatever and then it they go away for a year and they do nothing for a year and then they come back and they do a small little run of art centers and then eventually they go back on another big tour but then i notice in the states this is certainly what my perception of it is the top level comics tape their special and a week later

they're back in clubs working on new stuff yeah to turn over another hour it within like 12 months is that sort of around the schedule or is it a bit longer than 12 i'm gonna probably take longer but louis kind of set that standard of like every year for like five years louis ck was putting out a special that was incredible so a lot of guys are doing that like joe list just put out a special called this year's material yeah yeah it's that's when you're working so hard on material you've run out of like artistic energy to name the special just like this is this year's things that i thought of in the last 12 months yeah fuck it throw it out yeah it's got a million views in a week um yeah i think so i've seen a lot

of comics talking about joe's i haven't watched it yeah i will get around to watching it really good but pretty much every comic that i've followed from that new york circus are just raving about it you see every tweet list is he's incredible and he's there's a bunch of those guys that are still like underrated like soda and list yeah i met i met soda when i was in new york in january he's the nicest dude he's just so do you know i didn't expect him to be sort of as sound and humble you know because he's so the voice he's got and his stage which is the only thing i'd sort of perception out of him yeah and he just comes and sits down at the comedy cellar 20 minute conversation hates himself

absolutely and it's it's so apparent straight away hates himself hates his material kills every time never doesn't kill yeah you can tell that that night at the at the comedy cellar i i remember talking to him about it the next day because that's another thing that's massively different in the uk is those club lineups especially midweek are just stacked with headliner after headliner after headliner, like people who are as good as stand-up gets. So that night at that table was Soda, Chris DiStefano, Ronnie Cheng was there, Colin Quinn was there.

I'm just sat there like, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the tryout you want to do. How do you feel when you're at, like, from England, come to the US? Do you feel like these guys don't, they don't respect English comedy? Do you ever get that in your head? No.

Because that's not the, yeah. I'm not saying that's the case. I'm not saying that's the case. Do you ever feel like everyone's thinking, who the fuck is this little shit? Yeah, yeah. He's probably racist. He's probably racist.

That's what I think. Do you know what? I'm quite naturally cocky and arrogant. So even if I got that vibe, I'd be like, I'll fucking show you all, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I noticed massively is,

and I didn't really know what was going on, but there was stuff in my set that normally gets little laughs that was getting big laughs. And there was stuff that normally gets big laughs that was getting slightly smaller ones so this was a gotham and it was the tuesday and schultz was on so the room's packed and i followed him because he wants to go on second so i'm on third and schultz stayed and watched yeah he's another guy that's just

this nicest fucking dude on earth i've said that a couple of times i think he might be the night one of the nicest people i've met in comedy um i met him a couple of years ago when he did london and he's just been so great but he stayed and watched me set and he come up as soon as i come off stage he comes to me and he goes you're confused i went yeah yeah could you see it and he went yeah he went every time they understood you they loved it but. But most of the time, you're too quick. And I naturally slow down. Like people in New York ask me if I'm Irish, ask me if I'm Scottish. Well, they have no fucking idea.

And ask me if I'm Syrian. That was someone's first guess. No, but you're Syrian? You do look Syrian. I do look Syrian. You've got that refugee look. Have you seen war they're like it's not even a genetic then they're like have you seen war yeah you must have been sleeping in a tent for six months

i kind of noticed that the only show i've ever done was the manchester show yeah and it was like while i was saying because i wasn't even thinking about what words would translate not but i would start talking about a bit and, and I'd be like, oh, fuck, they have no idea. Like, I'm talking about football. I don't think. Like, shit like that. Oh, football. Your football.

Yeah, real one. Real. The showy one. The one with actual black dudes. The good one. The hard one to play. Not the, no, I'm just doing the lamest, the lamest hackiest of men. I'm like, you're welcome for World War II.

Real football. My bad. As someone who loves the NFL, it's really great watching, like, during your special when you were, like, talking about your sister, and she's dusted off her best Heinz Ward. And that is, like, if you don't know the NFL,

you're missing that completely. And I was like, I find it very satisfying. And you're like, this guy's seen white cornerbacks. I was like, oh, like, if you don't know the NFL, you're missing that completely. And I was like, I find it very satisfying. And you're like, this guy's seen white cornerbacks. I was like, oh, yeah, thank you. That gets niche. There are only a few people picking up on that. I think there's less for you to worry about with that, though, because we're so used, all of our best TV shows and films

come from you lot. Like, Friends has taught an entire generation of Asian people how to speak English That's me not getting on SNL You know? This is what I got fired for. This is exactly what I got fired for. And that's me not getting on SNL. Damn it. You guys got a ton of fucking Muslims here too, huh? We do, yeah. Ho, ho.

Too many. Not enough. Not enough. I think you might be thinking, I think they're the homeless people and you've just got confused. Yeah, those are homeless people. That sleeping bag isn't a burka muslim person lying down yeah muslims praying constantly over here just laying on the fucking

sidewalk i don't know what they're doing uh wait oh no where do you come up with wait why do you think asians learned english from? Right, no, so this is some, not a whole generation. This can't be true. This is just wrong. Southeast. So it's not just Asia, it's Europe too. So it's Africa. What about Africa?

Africa. It hasn't reached there yet. It's not on African Netflix just yet. Nord VPN if you want to watch Africanrican netflix yeah don't know if it exists i am i had a meeting with a promoter about doing european tour dates and they he said to me they're gonna have a problem with your accent because europe and asia have learned how to speak english from watching friends on netflix yeah you took one booker's word for it yeah you're like all right that's someone tells me something and i repeat it forever without checking

they've learned conversational phrases they haven't they haven't watched it and gone yeah yeah yeah a whole generation of asia doesn't speak i'm just telling you a fact i learned in a business meeting if you tell me something in a business meeting as far as i'm concerned that is law it is a fact that sucks that's how people are learning what america is as friends show sucks what should they watch What should they watch? Fuck. The Chappelle Show. Oh my god.

A whole generation of Asian people. I'm a Rick James. Ricka Ru James. That is a good accent. Thanks. What? So that was a very good Asian accent. Very good Japanese. I could have used it. Yeah, you can't do Japanese.

I can't. It's easy. It's easy. Go on. Go on, teach me. All you have to add is aru to everything. Aru. Aru.

So I do my voice and then put aru on there. Jan-aru. That's so good. That's all you got to do. Right. I say aru. Yeah, but you have to do the accent too. Right.

Try and do Japanese. So a sentence. Hello, I'm Adam Rowe. Hello, I'm have to do the accent too. Try and do Japanese. So a sentence. Hello, I'm Adam Rowe. Hello, I'm Adam Rowe-a-roo. Shane, that was so much better than usual. Shane, why are you trying to get us in trouble as well? We've had so many problems. Go on.

Hello, I'm Adam Rowe-a-roo. That sounded just British. Hello, I'm Adam Rowe-a-roo. That sounded just British Shane's doing his muslin again I ain't got any change Alright Can I ask a question? I'm genuinely fascinated by this Do I sound British To what you think British is?

Do I sound anything like Hugh Grant to you? No. No. Okay. Is he retarded? Yeah, you do. That Pennsylvania age is quite different. Yeah.

That befuddled English you've got. Oh, my goodness me. Yeah, but there's no exposure to our accent in the States at all. But as we hear regional accents... There will be with Paddy Pimblett though in the UFC. Paddy is going to get... Because Paddy is as thick Scouse accent as you can get. What's it called?

Scouse. Scouse. If you're from Liverpool, you're a Scouser and you have got a Scouse accent. Okay. So Paddy's accent is going to... If you're from Liverpool, you're a Scouser, and you have got a Scouse accent. Okay. So Paddy's accent is going to... Paddy will benefit my gig in America, because he will get people used to it.

What about Peaky Blinders? Isn't that Liverpool? It's filled in Liverpool. That's Brummie. That's Birmingham. It's the Midlands. Yeah. You guys all...

It all sounds the same. Yeah. Really? Do we sound the same as him? Really? Do we sound the same as him? Do you think we sound the same? He's closer to American. I can understand him better. Okay.

He speaks better. So... Just a side of you. Just a side of you. Just a side of you. It's so hard. I'm like, guys, just add the lad on top of it. It's so hard. I'm like, yeah. Can I ask you a question?

This guy heckled me. He didn't heckle. Right when I got on stage in Manchester, he put a fucking Jäger bomb on the stage. So I was like, all right, I got to do it. I just walked out.

And then a minute later, he put another one on. I was like, I was like, bro, I have no fucking idea what you're saying. He's the venue manager. He's in the front row just yelling shit at me. I was like, dude, I can't. You're here to here.

I can't hear you. I have no idea what you're saying. You guys, yeah, I don't know. I love the idea that Alan, we've done 34 minutes and he hasn't understood a word. Yeah, right. Apart from when he did Japanese. It's so much better than usual.

Is that bad to do here? Are you allowed to do Asian accents? We do all of the accents. I got to move over here, bro. In this room? Yeah. Anything goes. Wait, we're allowed to be racist here?

Yeah, yeah. What do you think of them? I love them. Not really. If you hide in a cupboard in runcorn it's pretty good you can get away with it yeah i love your uh nate diaz thank you bro oh my god you know i never know i never knew that i like needed to hear someone nail a nate diaz impression who's better than nate diaz he's the best well as a person as he went drinking with nate diaz fuck off yeah it was great oh nail and Nate Diaz impression. Who's better than Nate Diaz? He's the best. He went drinking with Nate Diaz. Fuck off. Yeah, it was great.

And he's exactly who you think he is. I pulled up, he was like, let's get fucked up. I was like, yes. He never met me in his life. That's so funny. How did you know? One of his friends likes my stand-up. So was like come hang out and I was like definitely I'll do the Nate Diaz you're like yeah no no because I feel like on every podcast

everyone's trying to get you to do the Trump which you must be bored as fuck of doing but yeah in my head I'm like but then the Diaz is like oh yeah he's like yeah like i was like fuck that like i don't know like i just knocked that motherfucker out it's that every time every interview he's the best interview ever because everybody thought mcgregor was because mcgregor was incredible yeah and then when he when he thought diaz they went oh yeah that's better that's funnier because connor's obviously funny and incredible at talking shit but nate's nate's being honest yeah like connor's putting on a show and connor's trying to sell the fight yeah and diaz is just saying whatever

comes into whatever's in his head is yeah and half the time it's like, yeah, fuck this. And that's the end of the interview. Take a microphone off. It's real punk, innit? You feel like the reporter is gonna get punched. Yeah, yeah. You're taking a fucking piss. Yeah, yeah.

Who's Tysa? That's Tysa. That's Tysa. No, this is Nate Diaz. I'm Nate Diaz. Has he bit his tongue? Yeah, he does. Fuck you.

This is my Japanese Nate Diaz. Has he bit his tongue? Yeah, he does. Fuck you. This is my Japanese Nate Diaz. You know what I'm starting to love about... Because I'm a casual UFC fan. He loves it. Me too. I'm in. He's a big fan. It sucks.

You've got to miss all the fight. Like last night. I went to sleep two and a half hours before we came here. I haven't slept. I just watched the fight. Olivera, Chedlington, Kobe Covington. Oh, big fan. He's not a fan.

Nate Diaz, Luis Diaz. His brother, Luis. Cameron. Cameron Diaz. I love them all. That's my Cameron Diaz impression. You know? Fuck you.

Are you a big UFCfc fan um i'm yeah i like it yeah okay me too yeah i don't know it you know what i get fucked up is the weight class same with boxing yeah there's too many i have no idea how big anybody is yeah there's too many of them yeah agreed so what should what should it just be big cunt fat cunt little cunt, what? Like, I don't know. Like, I was watching, like, Paddy. What weight class is he?

I have no idea. He's lightweight, isn't he? Yeah, lightweight. He's 155. Okay. He's the same as what Conor had his best at. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he could be the new Conor in terms of charisma and self-salesmanship.

How many fights has he had? He's had two, but they've both been explosive and so have his he took some shots in that last one he did that's risk i don't want to trash you guys no no no i'm not trashing him no we'll take it i mean nate's my favorite all he does but this is what i was saying he's taking major head trauma and he's still nate oh my god he just walks through yeah it's the bet that's the best way it looks like he's falling out of a car that i've been in a crash like oh and he's still going he goes down easy because he's like all right we'll fight on the ground it's a way to like absorb a hit he'll get hit and just lay down and people be like oh he got knocked down it's like no he's he's wide

awake laying there like he's waiting like in the second mcgregor fight mcgregor hits him and he goes down and he's like you're gonna come to come and... McGregor's like, absolutely not. Up you get. His face is just scar tissue. Yeah, that's what's fucking him now. So the BMF fight with Masvidal got ended because his eye was falling off.

Yeah. I was at that. That was cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was incredible. Trump walked in. I was like, yo. Trump's here.

There he is. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep tearing apart the world, bro. It's good stuff. Day for comics. Yeah. We do miss a lot of the fights. What I love about the UFC now is there's so many personalities in it.

Like Paddy's one of them. So Paddy went to the same school as me and carl and he's he's been in here a couple times yeah um he's got such personality and molly as well he's like a sidekick if they lose it won't matter then their hype train is not about victories it's about the personality michael chandler's got the same thing and that's what i really enjoy watching nate's got the same thing in that yeah you're not watching to watch him win. He lost his last fight and he kind of won. He lost it in the best possible way.

I know he knocked him out at the end on his feet and just was like, instead of chasing him, he just pointed at him. He was like, I got you. Slapped him and punched him and the guy was out and he was just like, yeah. Yeah, that was it. That was the end of the fight. It was like, God damn it, dude. Did you see the kick last night. Yeah. That was it. That was the end of the fight.

It was like, God damn it, dude. Did you see the kick last night? Yeah. Oh my God. That's evil. That was terrifying. Yeah, evil. It was better.

This guy got Tony Ferguson. Yeah, you got, I've seen the- Haunted in the face. Haunted straight. Yeah. You watched it, didn't you? Oh yeah. You stay up for it, don't you?

I live for it. Live for it. Kick to the face. If you saw the face, if you saw the kick, you'd be like, I saw it this morning. I was like, that's a kick. It's a front kick. You can see why people aren't a fan of the sport.

Like, I like it. I just enjoy playing the guy who's not into it to wind him up because he's got no humor. He's like, yeah, there are too many weight divisions. He takes it all so seriously. But I know when some people are like, oh, it's just a bit much, isn't it? To see two dudes being like, I'm going to kick you right in the – I'm trying to disfigure you for life.

Yeah. It's a lot, isn't it? So I went to the Sirogan-Francis Ngannou fight with Rogan. So I was front – it was just me to the cage. I was sitting in front of the cage. And it's terrifying, bro. It's so scary. Especially with the Ghanos.

You see those dudes get in there. You're like. And it's funny because you can see my face the whole event. So everybody was texting me like, yo, relax. The whole fight I was like. Just a checked leg kick. I was like, just a checked leg kick. I was like. Just not enjoying it at all.

It was terrifying. No, but the noise is. The noise is disgusting. So scary. When you hear someone get punched in the chest, in the belly, it's disgusting. When you hear Shane Gillis go, stop. No, no, no. Run, run. Get out. You don't need this. Go. You're still youngis go, stop. No, no, no. No, no. Run, run.

Get out. You don't need this. Go. You're still young. Yeah, dude. Yeah, it was bad. We're going to go. So they're doing a UFC card on the 23rd of July in London again.

They're doing another card. We think Paddy's going to be on it. But regardless. Oh, I don't care. You can't come. Yeah, I've sold 22 tickets in a place called Ormskirt. You've heard of it. A lot of Muslims.

Get the Muslims fired up. Get them going, dude. Even though we're joking, I'm like, oh, just make him another one. I'm going to go to, I think I'm going to the FA Cup final. Fuck off. I think I am, yeah. I'm going. Are you, I think I'm going to the FA Cup final. Fuck off. I think I am, yeah. I'm going.

Are you really? Yeah. Let's hang out. Absolutely. Oh, fuck off. Shane, don't go in that end. You'll understand nothing. I'm actually not in the Liverpool end.

I'm in the corporate seats because I couldn't get a fucking Liverpool ticket, so I've had to take a corporate. Oh, gosh. Where are you, Saz? I don't know yet. Okay. We're working on the tickets. Okay.

Right now. They're pretty fucking expensive. They are. I got mine for free because things are going well. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm going to go to the FA Cup final. I've got my ticket.

He's going to hate this because I've done nothing but talk. So even while I'm sat here talking to you, we've been very excited to get on, most of my brain at the minute is singing Liverpool songs. I can't turn it off. We're trying to win. You guys fucking love singing.

Oh, 100%. The British, all you guys do is you get fucked up. No singing in the NFL. Apart from the chief fan being borderline racist. Yeah. We've not been told to stop. We're not going to stop. We're having fun.

No singing. You guys love singing. You guys sing outside of football. Yeah. Just in the bar. In the pub, yeah. On the way. On the coach down.

On the plane. So me and Finn went over to Spain this week when we played. Because look, it is gay. on the plane. So me and Finn went over to Spain this week when we played all around. Because look, it is gay. Singing with your boys is gay. But I'm just jealous. I wish we sang, dude. It's so fun.

Anytime you guys are, I've been to a couple, I've been to a bunch of soccer games and every time everyone's singing, I'm like, this is so cool, dude. Like I was at a Tottenham they all started singing I was like

this is incredible oh see now I really want to get you a ticket in our end for the FA Cup final they're not singing show tunes though what are they singing

I can't understand they're not like Oklahoma if the Tottenham fans started singing that I'd be like this is a little camp no matter what

they're singing they're singing but Liverpool sing like ABBA songs with different words so it probably is a little camp. No matter what they're singing, it's... Oh, come on. They're singing. No, but Liverpool sing ABBA songs with different words, so it probably is a little bit camp from somewhere. Most football songs are a parody of an original song. So the big Liverpool song at the minute, the newest one, is...

How have we got here? A parody of the Beatles' I Feel Fine. So Jürgen said to me, you know, we'll win the Premier League, you know. He said, so, I'm in love with him. That is a bit gay. And I fuck men. But I can't understand any of the words. I'll teach you them.

Whenever people are singing, I have no idea. It sounds nice, but I don't know the words. I teach you whenever england whenever people are singing i have no idea it sounds nice but i don't know the words i've never understood one song you could just google it the the lyrics are available when it's 10 000 people singing the same tune you don't you do yeah yeah yeah but if it's like a that's a bit more fun. There's no words to that. Yeah. There isn't. Oh. Yeah. What is it? Javier Mascherano. Okay.

Is this on that? Yeah. Javier Mascherano. I got that one. They don't even segregate in the NFL, though. This is what... They don't what? Segregate. In the...

Okay. Things have changed. No, they segregate. Oh, yeah. It And the foot... Okay, things have changed. No, they're segregating. It's fully integrated. No care. But the fans, like, you're saying, like, over there, just walking down the street,

people are asking for change and being fucking abusive. But once you get fans in a stand, everyone can just sit with each other. Over here in, like, 99% of every football game, the away fans have to be well away from the home fans because it gets eggy. But in the NFL, everyone's just got mixed. It's several,

I find that mental. It's tribalism, isn't it? People just automatically want to fight to protect their own team. Yeah, I went to Manchester United at Chelsea and all they did was,

I couldn't believe it, they just yelled at each other the whole time. Yeah. Just fucking, fuck you, fuck you, like that the whole time. So there's a lot of... It's like, watch, what are you doing? Yeah.

They had to put up like fencing. Yeah. What are you guys doing? You'll see that at the FA Cup final. Why? It's hatred. That's what fuels football. Hatred.

I think we all live too close to each other. Yeah, maybe. Like basically England is the size of like a decent sized state. Philly's philly's good philly will fight philly fights people good on eagles game they fight each other yeah it's just people doing coke and perks and fighting yeah so in liverpool there's two teams there's liverpool and everton so carl is an everton fan yeah everton fans hate me because i like talking shit on Twitter.

I wouldn't go to Everton. If Liverpool played at Everton Stadium, I wouldn't go. Yeah. Because I'd probably get twatted on the way up. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Because they'd be like,

there's a fucking prick from Twitter. Really? You've been a wind-up for a few years now, haven't you? No, you've calmed it down, and so have I. Yeah, I've calmed it down because I can't be arsed with the death threats. Yeah.

Like, if I make a joke about how shit Everton are, I'll get death threats. Yeah. And it's funny until you're in their stadium. And then they're serious.

Yeah. Well, that's, you know, that's ridiculous, right? Yeah, but it's great.

I like it as an outsider. I'm like, oh, right? Yeah, but it's great. I like it. As an outsider, I'm like, oh, nice. They're stabbing each other. But what do you guys think? It's fucking soccer. Yeah. I wouldn't stab anyone. It's 0-0, and you guys are fucking stabbing each other.

It'd be like watching golf. It'd be like, you motherfucker. It's a boring fucking thing. Segregate the fun. Yeah, I went to, like I said, after the Chelsea game, me and my friend went to a bar, and the bouncer was like, are you Chelsea boys? And we were like, sure.

I like Manchester United, but I'm not going to go in there and be like, who are you? That's a change. You did know the song. I know a couple. I know some Manchester ones. Yeah did know the song. I know a couple. I know some Manchester ones. Yeah.

Louis Saha. What? Saha, my only Saha. Oh, he's a legend of the game as well? Wow. Schaubach. Also Schaubach. He played for Everton as well.

Did he? Yeah. For sure. You know a Saha. Louis Saha. What a random. That's the only one for some reason I remember. Of all the, like Shane's like, oh yeah, I've obviously got a Louis Saha. Louis Saha. What a random. That's the only one for some reason I remember. You've guessed of all the, like Shane's like, oh yeah, I've obviously got a Louis Saha.

Cantona? No. Ronaldo? Wasn't Giggs Joy Division? Yeah. Running down. Giggs will tear you apart. Yeah.

I think the Giggs one was, he shagged his brother's wife. He shagged his brother's wife. Ryan Giggs, he shagged his brother's wife.yan gigs he shocked his brother's wife it's catchy they love singing is that true yeah famous scandal while they were together yeah oh my god yeah that's what not drinking does yeah he was like the first super injunction this way he didn't drink is that what you said yeah that's what not drinking does do you know what was really funny is that what you said here we go with the muslims again no wait gigs fucked his yeah sister-in-law sober yeah for a long time a long time oh you know what was really funny so in the uk i don't know whether you have

these in the states in the uk because of the press there's a thing called a super injunction where if someone's got like a news story they don't't want to get out, they can apply to the high court, for the super injunction, and it means the newspapers can't, and the news channels can't report it, oh wow, so like there's a comic, that we know of,

seems healthy doesn't it, seems really healthy, yeah, there's a comic that we know of, that is going to get, in a couple of years, when the super injunction goes away, me too'd to fuck,

like a bad guy, wait you can hide, getting me too'd to fuck like a bad guy uh wait you can hide getting me too'd here can be racist come chain um and how long does it last but there's way it so it it depends on how long the judge gives you for but there's you have to pay for it as well prior restraint is that the american version it's probably not even america is such the land of the free speech that they You have to pay for it as well. A prior restraint? Is that the American version? It's probably not. America is such the land of the free speech that they won't suppress it at all. Oh, yeah. But when Ryan Giggs was shagging his...

There's ways to get round it, and one of the funniest things, I don't know whether the clip's still on YouTube, there was a news reporter, and they stood outside, and they go... So we still cannot report on the Premier League footballer who was embroiled in this scandal and super injunction

about having an affair with his brother's wife. My name's Sally Jones, outside Ryan Giggs' house. Oh, my God. That's incredible. Well, it got leaked because the rules don't count in Parliament. Yeah. So they could say it in Parliament, and then that was reported on. Yeah.

In Parliament. Yeah. So they could say it in Parliament and then that was reported on. Yeah. What about Lacazette? Didn't he blow a guy on his team? Allegedly. I'm going to say allegedly.

Wow. Somebody told me that at the bar the other night. Holy fuck. Alexander Lacazette's super injunction must work really well because I haven't even heard this. Somebody told me. It was Lacazette and Older God.

Right. Is this real? I've never... Yeah, apparently they had a gay affair, but then it went away very quickly. There was a rumour of Jordan Henderson and Adam Lallana fucking each other for years at Liverpool. Allegedly.

No, there was a rumour. I know, but I'm just saying. No, but it's true. No, but it's a rumor all i'm saying is it's a rumor yeah it is yeah that's a fact that's a it's a fact that it's a rumor it's a rumor yeah the beyonce one isn't it yeah the rihanna one that was that was really fucking great actually i'm sure i've told you this before so my little brother one day he comes home from school this is years ago and he goes guess what i heard today school

i was like what he said when rihanna filmed the video for umbrella she fucked jay-z but beyonce doesn't know about it so he hasn't made it to his wife but it's made it to a fucking school yard in liverpool he's like yeah yeah but don't spread it around because I don't want to upset Bae. Don't want me to find out about this. Let's take a little break and come back with some questions. What a wonderful first section. Third.

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this Syrian dude he looks like he's got his shit together Syrian opened the door to a fucking science centre from the 50s come in I was like oh fuck you Shane Gillis a bit of a stand upup question martin wood says hi there um i was at a gig um and

a lad from london came up to do a gong show he'd driven to the show in sheffield and lasted two minutes uh which seems fucking brutal so what's the longest drive for the shortest stage time you have ever seen or done? Tart, Martin. Very ignorant question again. Do you know what a gong show is? No. Okay, so in the UK, when you first start out, there's obviously some open mics

where you can just go and do five minutes or 10. Yeah. But a way to sell tickets and make it a gimmick, certain comedy clubs in the UK have nights called gong shows where they give three people in the crowd a card, and if they think you're shit, they hold it up. Oh, my God.

And if all three go up, you get asked to leave. Oh, my God. It's so fun. And you're trying to do five minutes. So this guy's driven four hours in a car to to try and do five minutes he has got two minutes into his set and being fucked off god yeah that's evil yeah it's great though i mean it's funny i'm sure it's funny one of my first ever gigs i think i was like my fourth or fifth gig was in manchester a gong show and i lasted i i got fucked off at like four minutes it's terrible yeah and i fucking

45 minute drive i saw lads from glasgow four of them would come down from scotland share share the fucking petrol and the people of the frog if you applied in one lump they never thought to split up the names you know like just jump a little bit so if four lads from glasgow one of them will go all right i've got your fucking names. I'll put them all down. So what would happen on the night is it would go in the order that you book them online or whatever.

And so the first Glaswegian would go on. So they've driven down, what, four hours or whatever, three and a half hours. And then the second Glaswegian would go on and the crowd would be like, oh, fucking another Scottish guy. And then the third would go on and he was fucked.

And of course, there's a fourth guy at the back going, what the fuck am I going to do? And he'd get 30 seconds. He's like, no more Glaswegians. And that's a three and a half drive with your mates.

Yeah. And you've lasted 35 seconds. The night I'm talking about that, I got gonged off. So Liverpool and Manchester from football and also from economic reasons back in the day,

hate each other as cities. At least there's a joke of that at very least and one of the lads I traveled over with walked on stage and went what's happening I'm from Liverpool and all three cards went up and he did five seconds it was Lewis Calvin five seconds I mean at least he got out of there at least he can be like that's why I bombed yeah but he also had to stay for the rest of the night because I was his driver. Oh, no. Yeah, that's... Would that work in the States, that kind of show? I mean, yeah.

I'm just thinking about it from a comedian's perspective. Yeah, it'd be a great show to watch. I'd love to see that. Yeah. See people bomb. They're fun to host. Yeah. Because if you're the host,

then you can fuck them off as well surely in new york that's an option with so many comics knocking about yeah like they i mean they have mics that everybody does three minutes everybody and it's like a hundred fucking comedians and it's just comedians in the audience like four comedians who are next looking at their notes you go to three it's terrible but i think in america it's a lot easier to like i would drive i drove like 10 hours to do 15 minutes once like i drove to cleveland i was like nice i'm booked on the road i drove to ohio from where i'm from and it was yeah it was good it was a black show i was only white guy. I was the only white guy.

It was a lineup of all black people. Imagine if you'd have got there 10 hours and they'd gone, oh no, we made a big mistake. No, they did at first. They were like, are you sure? I was like, yeah, I'm the guy. I'm on the show. Yeah.

And they all have, I don't know if they do this in England, but every black comic has like a stage name. So it's like. There's some that do. Funny Man James. Something like that. And I was like Shane Gillis. It was all, yeah.

Like you filled out a form. Yeah. And it was good. I always liked the urban. I'm not on low, so I'll give you that. Yeah. Being the one white guy on a black bill is easy. Especially at first when i had no like i was hack so going on and being like yeah it's me i'm the only white guy

hello that's a laugh yeah i don't know if i could do them anymore you don't think you could do it i think you could do it i don't know it'd be interesting i used to do them all the time in philly now i haven't done them in forever. It used to be easy. You just have like one black reference and they'd be like, holy shit, this guy knows rap. Yeah, I know a little something. I know a little something about Cardi B. Did you ever do any monster drives? So Dan started stand-up about...

48 years ago. Cheers, mate. 85 years before I did. Yeah, I did. Yeah, of course you do. Especially when you're starting out and you first get your paid gigs. Yeah.

Because when people are like, oh my God, did you travel hours and hours to get your first stage time? No, because I was pretty good pretty quickly and started picking up those half paid spots. And then you got on the radar of like national bookers and they'd be like, cool, do you want to drive to Colchester on a Friday?

Which no human wants to do. Drive the full length of the country. And like a knobhead, I remember one gig at Colchester where they just lied and you have to be there for like 4.30 for the soundcheck, which was just horseshit. So I turned up at four. The show started at like nine.

Oh God. Those were the drives where you're having to slap yourself on the drive back because you can't afford to stay over. And I'm talking to a comic who just drove 10 hours when he was starting out. Like we can't, if you've done 10 hours in this country, you've gone the wrong way and like. You've gone back again.

Check on your phone for me. There's a place called Porth Town right which is right at the very sort of it's past where we've been this weekend for the wedding right so I made

I made a mistake quite early on so I'm maybe 18 months in and I've had the odd gig for like 30 pounds here and there

and a gig got posted on the Manchester Comedy Forum, which is now dead. But you assume when it was posted on that that it was quite local. And Porth Tower sounds like it's in North Wales, doesn't it? Like, if you read that, you'd go,

oh, that's near. It's 332 miles away. Right. So I applied for this gig because it was £100 to host. And I was like, I'll just apply. I'm not going to get it, but I'll apply. Came back straight away.

Tony Vino came back straight away. Yeah, gig's yours. I was like, 100? Great. And he said, if you want to lift, you need to be at Warrington train station tomorrow at 8 a.m. I was like, it's a bit fucking early for a gig in North Wales. Why would I need to be there then? And only then did I check where it was. And I had to drive in a car with a guy I'd never met, who was friendly enough, but you know,

is not the type of person I would naturally become the best of friends with. Hey, Tony. No, it wasn't Tony I'm sorry I thought you'd named him and then we'd be like no the comic I've got genuinely

no issue with him we're just not the same type of person it was Phil Buckley do you ever remember him so we're just not it's just a long mate it's a long way

to drive with your wife yeah never mind fucking some random guy the gig was fine but I was out of the house for a long time. And then when we got back, he was like,

it was split the petrol and it was like 80 quid each. So 20 pounds for a day out of the house. And it just felt like, it was just a lesson to fucking check, check the address before you agree to take the fucking gig. You started out in philly yeah pretty much right yeah i started in the middle of pennsylvania but there's nothing right okay there's nothing there so yeah i would drive two hours to go to an open mic in philly yeah two hours seems reasonable doesn't it yeah a long drive to us is nothing to you though like

that's five and a half hours you've just said. Yeah. From here. Five and a half hours for you is like going to the shop. Well, not if you're a New York comic. No, New York. No, I mean, but in the States. New York's three miles is five hours. It's the worst. Yeah.

But you go on the road pretty much every weekend, don't you? Yeah. I heard you say that on another podcast, I think, where you do the week in New York and then you're away for the weekend You fly Yeah Yeah but that's

I mean those are like Six hour flights Where's your What week We've all got like I love gigging in Brighton For the weekend Like Cardiff's a good

Fucking weekend Newcastle Where are the weekends That you think Oh I'm looking forward to that Just did Nashville That's one Nashville's a good one

I really want to do Nashville Nashville's great I like country music yeah because uh i'm gay that's why he's in the football like you guys love oklahoma see that sooner helmet yeah so one of our the guy who does a lot of our graphics is at qb college mate i fucking love the sooners he's at that university oh you do know oh he's a big nfl fan that's great yeah i genuinely like baker mayfield i know everyone hates this i like baker yeah i think he gets so much great stick i just saw it was funny at the i went to that movie last night there was a dude wearing an eagles jersey so i like walked by him and i was like go birds and he was like mate go birds. And he was like, mate, you love fucking the Eagles. It was me.

I was there. He took his fucking jacket off. He was like, this is Devante Smith. You know him. I was like, yeah. So I do that with anyone in this country that's wearing NFL stuff. I go up and I'm like, oh, Colts fan. And it's like some girl is like, what?

I just got this. I did that. Because it's blue. Like it doesn't always work. I lived in Spain for a little while and I would go to Atletico games. And the first game I went to, I didn't know their fan section wore Native American shit. So they would wear, like, Atlanta Braves gear, Cleveland Indians gear, all that shit. Florida State Seminoles, Chiefs.

The first guy I saw wearing a Cleveland Indians jersey, I was like, holy shit, you're from Cleveland? What's up, dude? He was like, I don't know. I was like, what are you doing? How did you get this? How did you get that? And then another guy walks by in a Braves thing. I was like, Atlanta.

He was like, I don't know why I'm giving him a Mexican. He's like, stop. Yeah. See, I really like the NFL, but I've got to a point. So I tried to pick a team to just be like, this is my team. The first team I picked was the Eagles. Nice.

Because a mate of mine went, you just need to pick a team. And at the time I had always Sonny on. So I was like, well, I'll just pick. Yeah, the Eagles, bro. Right? And then everyone went, oh, they're cunts. You don't want to support them. Yeah, that's why you want to be them.

They're the biggest cunts in the league and then i went so you know they do the games in london so i went to the rams bengals and i was like well i'll be a rams fan then because i've been to see them yeah but i just can't care like liverpool affect my mood of course and it just doesn't do the same so now i've just started buying merch of every nfl team because i've got friends who are really into it over here who are like no you've got to pick a team and i just really like annoying them so i've got a giant's jacket i've got a rams top i've got a chief's i've just got everything and sometimes i'll wear like a rams hat with a Chiefs top just to watch them really fucking struggle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you a Steelers fan or an Eagles fan? Eagles. All right. Yeah. Is Pennsylvania like half and half? Yeah. So northern Pennsylvania is? West.

Western Pennsylvania is? West is Pittsburgh. East is Philly. Oh, all right. But Philly are, it's definitely the cunts of the league who do they equal to in football? Man United oh really yeah

no they've not won enough no they don't win they've won a championship they've won one yeah Tottenham no because Tottenham are cunts Tottenham are just laughable by the way you can't play this game

you can't play what NFL team is what English football team because it trips up. As soon as you, the one I hear the most is like, oh, Man United at Green Bay. You're like, what are you even talking about?

I'd say the Patriots. I think it's closer to baseball. Like Man U would be the Yankees. Yeah. Liverpool would be Boston. But now, yeah, now it's, now Liverpool's killing it. Yeah.

Yeah, whatever. I think Eagles are probably Millwall if anything Cunts who just don't win they've won a championship recently it doesn't work

it just doesn't work well I want to play whoever who's who's the meanest fan base Millwall yeah that'd be

Eagles like do you say stab people they actively stab people every week yeah I was talking about yeah Philly's notably the

worst fan base okay yeah that's no but they're not killing people i love it i love that we get the jags because no one gives a fuck yeah and the jaguars are london's team and you're like oh thanks thanks for giving us that where they've got part of the stadium is a fucking hot tub because they can't get anyone in the stand so they've got these like they've got a glass fronted just to perv to be like listen no one's at this game in jacksonville so let's put like some babes in a fucking jacuzzi yeah in the stand that sounds great and that yeah and that's who london get as their team yeah it sucks you guys are getting the jaguars. Oh, maybe they'll get the Jaguars. The Jags? The Jags. What did you say?

Jaguars? What? Jaguars. Jaguars. Jaguars. Yeah. Jaguar. Fucking Jaguar.

Jaguar. That's a Jaguar. What else have you got for us, Daniel? Quick Would You Rather. We play a lot of Would You Rathers. Yeah.

Quick Would You Rather, boys. This is from Liam. Would you rather share your hungover porn hub search after a rather heavy session or you have to share a dick pic once a month for a year cheers not even close share me porn porn yeah no shame compared to a picture of my dick every month yeah who am i sharing the dick pic with well that's what's up no you have to do a random number in your phone you have to literally scroll through it no i think it is public it's sharing it it's public so it's an instagram story post and a tweet of either your dick or your porn

up search i'll tell you what i'm searching yeah i'll tell it i'll tell you right now go midgets piss if i'm hung over whatever what midgets piss no no midget piss I'm telling you right now, when I'm hung over, I watch the most unbelievably horrific shit. Midget piss. Wait, hold on. You've whacked off to midgets pissing? No, I've whacked off to being midgets being pissed on. Oh no.

That's not even empowering. Is this real? Yeah, it's got a weird- Shane, have this. You ding it when you think he's tough. You whack off the midgets getting pissed. No, I have done before. Why? So when I'm hungover, the piss porn does it for me.

Never had a circus wank. Yeah. No. This is the first time I'm hearing of a circus wank. No. I'm going to go back home and be like, yo. These people are jerking off to midgets getting pissed on. Their comedy is worth shit, but I tell you what, their porn, wow.

Out of control. Yeah. No, like, when I'm hungover, the piss thing does it for me. And one day, I was just like, imagine if she was smaller. Oh, it's a she. Yeah she was smaller What's a she? Was a midget that do for you well, well that was if the man was a midget and he's pissing on a big woman Not midget I mean you'd watch it. Oh no. No, I would see it. I would watch it. I watch like death videos. I would watch it.

I'm not going to fucking whack off to it. I love cartel beheadings. That's what I whack off to. Tricky one. Yeah. No, I don't whack it. No, nothing weird. Yeah.

Even when you're hung over, does your taste not change a bit? No. See, I'm this mind doesn't, but midget piss. That was one time. You know, you whack off some midgets getting pissed on once,

follows you around for the rest of your life. Especially when you keep telling other people about it. Definitely does. It just, yeah, I just,

it's a bit weirder, but I'd quite happily tell you everything I've ever searched for rather than posting a fucking public dick pic. But when you finished, after watching that, I have to put my phone in another room what have i done i i often yeah when i'm hung over i have to be in a different room from from whatever device i've been watching because the second it comes out yeah the shame is oh no i don't want to look at it like if it's

there still in my hand i'll just put it face down yeah i'm I'm just like, I don't want to. And he can't watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He just, umpah, lumpah. Shame. Yeah, look, I'm just,

you know, you didn't see what you didn't see. I don't see any shame. There's no shame, but it's weird. It is weird. I'm not saying it's not weird. His shame is fucking horrible.

No, he's not ashamed. I'm not ashamed. You shit yourself sat in that chair last week, so shut up. That was a drinking episode. I'm not ashamed. You shit yourself sat in that chair last week, so shut up. That was a drinking episode. I didn't just shit myself. We had a Cinco de Mayo special. Oh, nice.

And I've been drinking Sneak Energy. And they're really good. Use code word 10. But don't drink three in one day and then have a lot of white tequila, silver tequila, because you will. You'll shit your pants. Yeah, I started laughing so much that i pooed oh my god and you know i don't feel any shame so i'm on your side would you want to that what no no i'm too tall man and there's no women or midgets i'm too tall too tall also poo is just over the line for me it's never gone that far it never will right that. That's respectable.

I like what I like and I don't like what I don't like. What about midget poo? Anyway. Is this an apple words? We've said midget and I've just said it again too many times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's the problem. Midget Twitter is ironically massive.

We're going to have some... Deserves more. Oh, my bad. It dropped. You put bullshit on there. I was lying. I was like, no, that was really funny. No, I fucking didn't.

Right, let's do some other words. Adam Warburton says, please have a word. My missus can see my location using her phone. Find my iPhone. Last weekend, she messaged me and said I could have gone a shorter way to the footy as she checked my location and gone on Google Maps.

Please tell her she's an absolute psycho as she thinks this is perfectly normal. That's from Adam Warburton. She's a fucking psycho. Yeah? Yes. Turn it off. Yeah.

So she is accusing him of basically fucking on the way to the footy. Well, I think you filled in some gaps that weren't there, but I'm sure this is where it ends up, innit? Where have you been? I checked your thing. She, Iing you right now is fucking brilliant in bed because she's mental

and that is a perfect line of correlation yeah lunatics to oh the crazy she

she's amazing in bed and that's why he's gonna struggle to get rid of her I yeah I don't this this find my friend

is an app that my wife has made all her siblings sign up to so she can just check on them. And I have politely just excused myself from the app. There's no way. Yeah, no chance. Not because I'm doing anything suspicious. Just don't like the, where are you?

Where were you? No one needs to know that much about you. That's too much, isn't it? No one. It's just no one. You need to be able to. No. A guy I know put his phone at my friend's apartment

and then went to a massage parlor because his wife had it. Had that app. He came over, plugged his phone, and was like, can I charge my phone here? And they're like, yeah, sure. He went, got whacked off at a massage parlor didn't say hi and he just plugged his phone and was like all right thanks got whacked off came back it was like you guys help me out okay yeah my wife watches this it's a good move now i'm gonna have to get the app it actually could help with you could

blatantly cheat and be like no i was at my friend's house why would i ever i know you have the app yeah i'm not gonna go to a girl's house play them back yeah you've seen the thing on iphone that uh the secret menu where it shows everywhere you've been at what time you ever seen this if you've got your location settings on your iphone stores everywhere you've been and it will go we think this is your home we think you stay here quite often this is a hotel do you work here this is your regular place of work can the police ever get that if you get prosecuted can they can they request that information i think data protection probably means no but if you i'll i'll i'll show you how to do it on twitter but there's a list of where you've been and when like pinpoint when you left that area when you enter that area how many times you've been there

there's a there's a list. The iPhone knows too much about all of us. It freaks me out even when there's nothing sinister with it. So, you know when we were driving down to the wedding the other day? So we went for something to eat. Me and Carl got in the car

and I went onto my maps on my phone. And because my phone is what I use to book the hotel, it knew where I was about to ask it to go. So it goes, you're going to the hotel you've booked for tonight. Yeah. They just send you there,

which is convenient, but also fucking creepy as fuck. Yeah, yeah. I don't like it. That all makes sense though, doesn't it? No. Do you not think that's a bit much?

I think when it's loading up your porn searches for the next day, Adam, are you going to have a drink tonight? Because this midget piss site is ready to load up. Wait, why does whacking off correlate with drinking so much for you guys? When I'm hungover, I fuck anyone. Yeah. Like, I'm the horniest little fucking boy at the prom.

Calm down. That's a phrase that no one's ever used. The horniest little boy Jesus Christ Another football song I'm the horniest boy At the Grand Middle, boy Yeah And then they stab each other

Yeah They sing gay songs And then stab each other Stab me, stab me It's West Side Story, bro It really is Yeah, she sounds mental But yeah I'll

Check the little secret menu And it'll freak you the fuck out Turn it off Turn off your thing For us to have a way But this woman is impossible She's not gonna listen to us Or anyone else

She's mental And you just need to weigh up Yeah Whether you Wanna keep fucking her enough To put up with that Or mess She's never

Gonna stop that No mess with her Play her Just take Go to stupid places's never going to stop that. Don't mess with her. Play her. Just go to stupid places. Keep going to a vet every Tuesday. I wasn't at the vet. Just leave your phone at a vet.

For two hours every week. Are you fucking dogs? What you should do, especially if you're not married, keep going to jewellers. keep going to jewellers. Keep going to jewellers and just watch her get super excited and then frustrated. And then when she goes, why are you just going to ask me? Oh, that'd be fucking brilliant.

Yeah, fuck her. Okay. Someone was up till 6am watching the fighting. Just front kicker in the face wag wag lids this is another one I'm going to do the fucking

tune again I love it wag wag lids loving the pod keep it up shout out Luke he's a cunt but he'll be listening I don't know why I did that

but Luke you're a cunt please could you have a word with my dad who is thinking of joining the gym which is great I'm all for encouraging a healthy lifestyle but the issue is I reckon he's going to become one of those old wrinkly fuckers

that insist on walking about the change room bollock naked after walking on a treadmill for like 10 minutes i go to the gym regularly and quite frankly drinking bleach sounds like better a better time than walking into the change room and seeing my dad's balls swinging about the place do i encourage him to go but maybe talk about just waiting until he gets home to shower? Or am I a cunt for thinking it's an issue? Love to hear your thoughts. That's from Tom. He's a cunt.

Let his dad be naked, dude. There's two men, isn't there? There's one man who does the towel or turns round, and there's the man who just gets his cock out. So I'm that guy. I'm the towel, and I'm quite private with it. But I find it both hilarious and quite awe-inspiring when you just see an old guy who's just...

He's a tiny dick. Yeah. Nice. What? A tiny-dicked old man with the biggest balls you've ever seen who's just like, this is what I've got. My life's over, so i don't care how many strangers see this yeah you're not into it old dudes drying themselves at the gym

is such a frightening especially when they've got big dicks why why as a 78 year old got a weapon of mass destruction flapping about? You're like, and I'm there with my fucking little chipolata in my prime. And he's done. He's retired. Why are you looking? Two. Oh, don't lie.

Fuck you, Regal. There's no way. Oh, I know we are. You see an old fella with his cock and balls out and you don't have a good old stare. Yeah, you're going to look at the dick. Yeah, I do look at the dick. Yeah, of course you do. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing wrong with having a little what's he got it's hard not to look at

a dick yeah i'm serious there's a dick in a movie i'm on it any nudity i'm looking not looking at a dick that's out is like looking at the floor when there's fireworks that is gay yeah it's gay to not look yeah are you afraid you're looking at the urinal though but to not the urinal the urinal uh the urinal by the way that's something you guys fucked up on big i here's what i'll say i got here i was grumpy because of the jet lag right away and i was like fuck england england sucks woke up the next day i was like fuck it's nicer than america it's nice everything's great and then i go into a bar and you guys have fucking troughs yeah they're not as common as some dude shoulder to shoulder with me while i'm taking like literally this guy and you get splashed personal space is insane here yeah this guy fucking it was kind of open and he was next to me he He touched my arm while I was pissing.

Right. That's not, I think you've been abused. And he didn't like brush into me. He went, yeah. American, we always hold each other's dicks in. Yeah. All right, cool. Yeah.

He's homeless as well, by the way. Troughs are crazy. He was actually muscle. He was a homeless man. Yeah, the troughs are crazy Yeah they're not as common anymore There's a fair few In an old pub yeah Do you feel slightly emasculated

If you go for a piss in a cubicle Like if there's a trough You always feel like If I go in the cubicles he won't piss in your rhinos or it depends i choose to have my own space just because it's better oh no you're absolutely right i just feel a little bit judged like i'm being the little dick if i'm like oh i'm hiding i did it last night there was one urinal that was open between two guys and i went into the yeah of course that's that that is the play but there's a little thought in your head

going there's that thought here's head going, they're staying out. Here's the thing, no. They're gonna know my dick's small. So I've never seen, yeah. So I've never seen Carl's dick ever. He's seen mine once, but I haven't seen his. I've seen it once. We've been best friends for 12 years, right?

I've never seen his dick. Longer than that. 14 years, right? I've never seen it. He was wife. And even if, It's longer than that No we met You got that wrong

I've never seen it But when we started Going out of town We'd walk into A bathroom And there'd be like Five urinals Individual ones

And he would go Into the cubicle Even though it's just me And him in there And I'll be honest 100% honest with you To this day I assume you've got a tiny cock

Okay go for it I'm very comfortable I think you need to see Your best mate's dick I've got a tiny cock. Okay, go for it. I'm very comfortable with my boobs. I don't think you need to see your best mate's dick. I've seen it and I didn't want to and it was aggressive. Was it? Yeah, you know the story.

What, was he crouching over you as you woke up? No, I was having sex on my dad's bed. My dad was out with a girl. He wasn't there. He kept knocking on the door. I was drunk. Yeah. And kept knocking on the door.

So in the end, I just went and opened the door. With a fucking daughter. Yeah. And kept knocking on the door. So in the end, I just went and opened the door. With a fucking boner? Yeah. So I've only seen his penis erect. With a boner? Yeah. I've only seen your erect penis.

Yeah. 17 inches long. It opened the door from the bed. Can I just say, I think there should be an old person section of the gym. I'm going to say it now. You know, like there's sometimes a lady workout area. No. I think there should be an old person section of the gym. I'm going to say it now. You know, like there's sometimes a lady workout area.

I think there should be a- Wait, they have lady workout areas here? Sometimes. Some gyms. Nice. It's like, yeah. Sharia laws really take it off. It's easier then, because you know where they all are.

They're all there. I just think there should be an old person bit as well. No, no, no. If you want to flex at 70, you're allowed to. Right. Watch your beef with old people. What? Watch your beef.

I just don't want to see them naked. I think there should be a separate. Oh, you mean in the changing room? I mean everywhere. You would have been a terrible SS guard. It's VE day, dude. We're allowed to make these jokes. We we won we did it thank you again yeah no problem yeah i think this guy's gotta just fucking grow up stop being like him and just accept that old people like getting their cock out because they they know they haven't

got much life left so they just find it funny to make other people uncomfortable. So don't let them win. Just find it funny. Yeah. What about a young person who's got a pipe? How do you feel about that? That would bother the fuck out of me. Do you not like that? No.

If a young dude with a huge dick was naked in the gym, I'd be like... It happened last week, and I was like, fair play. I would do the same. Yeah. He had a pipe. Exactly. That's how I know you've got a little dick,

because you don't do it. So I would do the same. No, I pipe exactly that's how i know you've got a little dick because you don't do it i think i would do the same no i mean he had like a like a fucking like it's like an arm like he was walking around naked i was like why is he doing that i was like oh that's why yeah because i don't know and you just clapped it's kind of like it's kind of like when dudes jog with their shirts off and they're fucking ripped it's like that stop yeah it's too i mean i can't judge i can't say anything but because you're ripped and you do it because i because i'm just not even in the same world as them but yeah walking around if you're young and you have a first off if you're young and you're naked at the gym that's weird oh you think there's a there's an age i think you have to be old to be like, I don't care.

This is how we did it. Yeah. No, I'm 100% with him on this. Anyone under 50, under 60, keep going. Your little cubicle, keep your towel on. Anything after that. You need to have lost your wife, maybe. Yeah. You need to be able to look at the guy and go, he's probably a widow.

Right. Well, the guy I saw that day with a massive WMD killed his wife with his dick. I know how Margaret died on that.

I wonder if women do the same. What? Do women walk around? What if they have huge pussies? Ethel! No,

do old women walk around? I mean, can you comment if they do? Yeah, old women walk around I mean can you comment if they do yeah old women get in the YouTube comments no but I'm saying I wonder if women

walk around naked in their I think so I think with women it's I don't think I think they're okay being naked

more acceptable yeah and they kiss what women get like ready together naked don't they like if they're having

like a yeah if they're going on like a birthday if it's like you know Amy's birthday they'll all be in Amy's bedroom they'll all be? Like if they're having like a, if they're going on like a birthday party, if it's like, you know, Amy's birthday,

they'll all be in Amy's bedroom. They'll all be doing the makeup and the nail and the tits out. Tits out. You know women. You know women. Amy, how are your tits? Fucking one year older.

And they're all rubbing each other and dancing and there's music on. I like it. And then the next day they piss on each other and dancing and there's music on yeah yeah I like it and then the next day they piss on each other are you horny it's great knowing women isn't it it's great

we can talk for them that's why we don't have them as guests we know women you're welcome ladies old ladies should we wrap this up

we should we should this up we should we should I think we should close out with that I think we should we know women they get ready with their tits out

are they funny in England what how yeah some fucking great just one

one more grenade just in the middle so good there's some good female comics over here right yeah 100% who's your top 5 Catherine Ryan and then her again Just one more grenade. There's some good female comics over here, right? Yeah. Who's your top five?

Catherine Ryan and then her again. No speaker English. I've just gone Asian. I was in a break, I know. Shane, thanks very much. much yeah thanks for having me dude I'm glad we got this done your special is on YouTube yeah

it's called Shane Gillis live in Austin so good the sketch show is Gillian Keeves Gillian Keeves again on YouTube there's 10 more coming

when you get back to the States this will go out no this will go out after you've already finished your UK tour so sorry about that see you on the next

time around but we'd love to have you back when you're back over oh yeah thank you very much for coming over as always

you can sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod is that our thing yep and you get an extra episode every single week

you get early access to the public episodes like this one you get a patreon special thing that we do once a month now and you get the entire back catalogue as you know i'm on tour at the minute there's a few dates with tickets left adamrow.co.uk forward slash shows his tour starts in september dannightingale.com and we are doing have a word live at the arena in liverpool friday

the 9th of december gigsandtours.com there's about a thousand tickets left Finn you've got some music the audio the visual listeners the YouTube guys you don't get this

but the audio listeners we've got some music for you who is this week's unsigned artist this week's another Patreon this guy's called Fagan

F-A-G-A-N the new single is called 17 so Fagan music on all social medias. This tune's called 17. Enjoy it. We'll see you next week.

Cheers, Shane. Here we go. She said you're so unromantic You never take me dancing And I just don't understand why She said you can't do two-step tango I'll take another man home And now I'm never gonna dance

Cause no, I'm not 17 anymore And I know it's not the same And all the fools who cannot sip of their mouths Are always loudest in the crowd So you shouldn't listen anyway He said How'd you get your kicks, boy? Doing the same old tricks boy

Don't you ever learn a thing And I said I don't know from whence you came Or if you're from in my brain But my ego reassures me that I'm not seventeen anymore And I know it's not the same Shows me that I'm not seventeen anymore And I know it's not the same Ah, ah And all the fools who cannot sit up their mouths

Are always loudest in the crowd Ah, ah So you shouldn't listen anyway And how does it feel to be the only one left around? How does it feel to be the only one left around How does it feel? Oh, when you're not seventeen anymore And you know it's not the same

And all the fools who cannot sip off their mouths are still the loudest in the crowd. Well, you shouldn't listen anyway. For a limited time, switch to Shopify point of sale and you could save up to 20% and improve your bottom line. We're so serious about savings, we've made this ad 20% shorter. That means you get six seconds back. Just enough time to visit Shopify.com slash POS20. Now that's an efficient ad. Eligibility requirements apply.

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