Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #173 with Sarah Keyworth - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

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Now, I'm getting the word, nuts. Oh, you think darkness is your ally? Cha! Upset me, nasty bitch! Disgusting! Wag wag leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. Shut up, Finn.

You good-looking, big-fingered Welsh weirdo. This is the one and only the now infamous the soon to be legendary have a word go Ed get on me Can you hear, Carl? Can you hear everything all right? Everything's okay in the mic. Is that coming through okay?

Yeah, one, two, one, two. One, two, one, two, one, two. Check, check, check. Can we get a mic check? Adam? Hey! Hey! Your voice is slowly coming back.

It's coming back. You sound fine. Obviously, for the public pubes who haven't yet signed up to Patreon Sort your life out What have you done? I dropped my bottle off it And off the table And the neck is slightly ruined

It's perfect Wait, wait, wait, looks like someone's tickling his neck Nice one I've never seen anything so... It's so perfectly broken. It's unbelievable. This is where we're at with the podcast, is a bottle is slightly damaged,

and it's like, don't talk about this off the pod. It's got to be on the pod. Do you know what? It looks like you've done. You've gone, oh God, I don't want... I want cordial. So I'll pour some cordial in,

tighten it on, and then just twat it at the top. Like, yeah! That is unbelievable. Oh, shit. Do you know who Big Ed is? There you go. Are you aware of Big Ed?

For the audio listeners, Adam has a special needs bottle of juice. Yeah. Yeah. A little bit of juice. Cordial. Do you like cordial? I do,

yeah. What have you gone for? Vimto. Vimto, strong. Do you remember Cherry Vimto from a few years ago? Yeah. I haven't seen it in cordial form. Not great. I quite liked it. I like Vimto. Do you remember Cherry Vimto From a few years ago I haven't seen it in cordial form

Quite liked it I like Vimto Do you know who Big Ed is Who's Big Ed Oh yes From A dating show in America Yeah

He was involved with Like Venezuelan or somewhere was she I think Yeah Something like that Was she Thai Was she East European No no she was definitely from

That other bit. Okay, yeah. She was from Botswana. She was from Botswana. So if you're an audio listener, that's been the worst two minutes you've ever heard. A bottle that you couldn't see and now... You know Big Ed, he's got no neck.

Looks like a big thumb. And who are you saying? Looks like that bottle. Oh, right, cool. Absolute fire. What was it from? The 60 Day Fiance? Yeah.

Something like that. How many days? 90 Day Fiance. Well, I think we've just come up with our next Patreon special. The 60 Day Fiance. And if anything, it gives Adam too much time. How much time do you need? Do you reckon you'd be okay on that show?

A 60... 90? 90 Day Fiancé. 90 Day Fiancé. So you... It's pimp... Is it like mail order bride sort of stuff and then they make the meet up and...

Essentially, yeah. Yeah. Wouldn't he say mail order? As in... Is the woman sent in the mail? Right. Yeah, just on the mail. Right. Yeah, just on the scale.

Pop that on scale, please. If you miss, if you miss, she sat in the post office like six days waiting. Or they just hide it

behind your bins. Or just put it next door for a bit. Give it to the next door neighbour. Where's my new wife? It's at number 23. Did you get any package for me

yeah she's having a cup of tea in the front like hi Laura Botswana then Botswana I'm not doing Botswana I don't feel Botswanary today yeah

and also I'm getting a mail order lady bride mail I'm getting a male mail order bride yeah yeah yeah if Laura leaves me

I'm going full fucking a beautiful woman called Jeffrey. That's what I'm into. Yeah. I'm getting another woman. If that's not worked out, why would you try another woman? Think about it, guys. If you've been married to a woman and then been divorced from a woman,

why the fuck would you ever go woman again? No, thank you. You'd be a perfect man, Dan, if you were going to marry a Dan? Someone with you. Marry a Dan? Go full back in. What's my perfect... It'd be good for the wedding song, though, wouldn't it?

If you were marrying someone called Dan. Dan, Dan, Dan. Oh, for your names. He's on fire. Let me get some sneak in me just to catch up go on build your perfect man dan build my perfect man from the from the bottom up from the if you were a woman that's how i like him cal bottom up lad if you were a woman you were gonna fuck a man like what what in your head what we're talking about i'm not i hang on we're talking about me trying to fuck a man no no now i have to be a woman, you were going to fuck a man. Like what? What in your head? What are we talking about? I'm not.

Hang on. We're talking about me trying to fuck a man. No, no. Now I have to be a woman trying to fuck a man. I'm bored of that. You're bored of that already? Yeah, I'm bored of that. Dan, Dan, Dan, I'm still celebrating that. Fucking Jedi.

I'm always interested in this because I think people's answers are different. In your head, what makes an attractive man? Like what makes you look at a man and go, thwa. If I. Thwa. Thwa. Thwa. Someone look at a man and go, thwa? If I, thwa? Thwa.

Someone also with a speech impediment. Thwa. He's a fat thwa. Build a 10, Dan. Yeah, build a 10. How big are his feet? I mean,

he can't be too small. Yeah. Feet can't be too small. Is that right? Yeah. Because, guys, what do you think? Feet can't be too small, can right? Yeah Guys, what do you think?

Feet can't be too small, can they? Yeah, but what are we saying is too small? Size four No That is too small That is too small Yeah, yeah, yeah Fuck

So when I went four, you went No! Yeah, because I think they were incredulous That you'd gone so low I think I'm going to say seven In their head, you were going to go for like seven They've got to be feet They've got to be adult feet

They can't be hooves Is that right? They're building the attractive man In their head, you were going to go for like seven. They've got to be feet. They've got to be adult feet. They can't be hooves. Is that right? They're perfect man. Don't build a bovine feature. He's an absolute 10, so he's a little bit hoofy. Yeah, I think size seven or eight and above. And I don't think you want big fucking Krusty the Clown flappers.

Nine? Yeah. I think you want bigger than that. I'd go with 11. Yeah, I would. By the way, guys, I'm telling you right now Speaking for all the People who want to fuck men

No one's like I would never fuck a UK size nine No but you're meant to Design your ideal man And women associate foot size with cock And women love big cock I love it when you're talking Absolute All loving women Gargantuan Size 22 feet Women love big cock. I love it when you're talking absolutes.

All loving women, gargantuan, size 22 feet, fucking four-yard dick. Hang on, we've got a name. We've made a name for you. What are you up to, Finn? Have you got the name generated? Gus Michelle. Right.

He's a masculine American. Didn't need that bit. 41. Do you want to cut that out while you're doing it? Size, somewhere between size 10. In and around size 10, 11. I don't think you need big feet. When I say women love big cock,

they love a good size cock. They don't want to be threatened. Can we just get to the cock when we get to the cock? Yeah. The shoes. I'm at shoe size. You're already at the dick yeah because they're associated legs too hairy not too hairy oh you just want hairy

you just want on the fairway here don't you boys are they athletic are they skinny or are they chunky monkeys there's this is where it's preference for me what do you think is attractive well i don't want brock lesnar from the waist down do i you, I don't want Brock Lesnar from the waist down, do I? You know, I don't want thunder thighs. At the same time, I think, you know, little sticky legs. Barry Dodds has got no hair on his legs

and it's really off-putting. He looks like he's... A dolphin. He looks like he's been like a Russian... You know, when the Russian spies get poisoned in Salisbury and all the fucking...

He is such a dolphin in personality as well, isn't he? So I'd say a little bit of hair I'd like a sort of an athletic leg is that alright yeah

now we're at the cock are we now we're at the cock it's directly related to shoe size it's nine inches hard innit that's what women want

no I don't I don't think it is I think it I think that's just going to internal bruise innit depends on the woman what's up how much can these teeth some women have cavernous pussies I don't think it is. I think that's just going to internal bruising, isn't it? Depends on the woman.

What's up? How much can these teeth... Some women have cavernous pussies. Google what the average give is. What? You know what I mean. No, women can actually, you know, they can push babies out. They're fine with almost any dick.

It's not going into their womb, is it? It is. Oh, God. Oh their womb, is it? It is. Oh, God. Oh, yeah, they can take eight inches. As in, like, a width. Just fucking hell. Just to backtrack, this is what me fucking a man is what women want in a man.

I don't know how we got here, but apparently I've got to defend dick length and womb damage as a man who is thinking about fucking men what I asked you is what you think

is attractive in men what women want so how did we get onto the cavernous pussy I actually think you have been misled by

by porn and popular culture I think girth is where a lot of the sisters are really looking for improvement. Width. And I think length is a bit of a misnomer. I've spoken to a lot of female friends who are like, yeah, it's just uncomfortable. So you think they want a cocksucker like John West's tuner?

Yeah, that's what they asked for. Really wide but shallow. Metal. I think if you're rocking six inches, you're absolutely fine. But if it looks like an HP pencil,

you're fucked. So you need a width. Yeah, I think you do. Maybe not a tin of tuna though. Yeah. You okay? Like a chub.

Six pack. Dad bod. Fatty. Which one, you want? Well There's others Skinny Yeah

Regular What's regular? Anyone can be regular None of them I'll be honest I think a beer belly Is not really what If you

I think what women want Is about Four pounds off me Four pounds off you Yeah Not like Me to pound them four times They want me to lose About four pounds And then it's like you need to pound them four times they want me to lose

about four pounds and then it's what yeah I think you might need to get a new quote on that but yeah I get what you're saying

six pounds then had a lot of Guinness over the weekend did you and the babies not too muscly not too hairy maybe a tattoo

toned maybe a little bit of tone but not like not too like Staring themselves Like taking selfies At the fucking gym I think that's a bit much

Isn't it When guys are like You're like You can look You know You don't have to A bit Ned Flanders Are you going tattoo

Tattoos I go for a little Yeah if I'm looking I'd like a little bit of bad boy But just something subtle Not a sleeve though Or just like the date Your mum died or something

Yeah Kill his mum Something classic Shit I gotta go down Only a little bit of bad boy But just something subtle Not a sleeve though Just like the date your mum died or something Yeah Kill his mum Something classic Shit I gotta go down the crematorium Hang on Who goes to crematorium? The date your mum died Where the ashes are

They don't keep them at the crematorium do they? I thought that was the crem Crematorium's where they do the burning Yeah but it's also Where they keep them as well. Cemetery? You get given the ashes, don't you? There's crematoriums at cemeteries, though.

Look at that, it's in a crematorium. I can go and see them. Can't you? Yes. You know, at cemeteries, where people are laid to rest, the crem can be there as well. Oh, I thought you got given them, so they're supposed to do whatever you want.

Not every time. You can put them in a plot. You can go freelance with the ashes if you want. But my mother's in a plot. Right. Yeah, I knew you could bury the ashes if you wanted to, but I thought that was just called the cemetery still. No.

The one round our way is a cemetery and it's got a crematorium in the middle of it. It's in Blaycon. Well, I thought the crematorium was just the fire. I thought that was just the oven. Well, I'm glad we cleared it up for you. What would you do? Just the oven. It's expensive. Where's dad? He's in the fire I thought that was just the oven well I'm glad we cleared it up for you what would you do just the oven

it's expensive where's dad he's in the oven he's out of the oven fucking in the kitchen isn't it because it's that expensive to get a plot now

because obviously they've run out that's why people get them instead because it's like 50 grand to put them in the ground or something right not 50 grand she's that

okay cool I found out a few years ago that there's loads of like built up cities built on top of old graves. I didn't realise eventually they just like get bored

of having it as a crematorium as a cemetery and they're like, right, they've been dead long enough now. Build on it. Not in this country. Yeah.

Don't you own the plot? No, not in this country. There's laws against it. You've got to move. If there's been bodies buried somewhere, you have to move if there's been body bodies buried somewhere you have to move it because you may be somewhere else in the world

in prague there's a jewish uh um the jewish cemetery has just been built on top of because there's always been race racism against the jews and they got their little plot and they were like well we've got loads of we need more and they're like fuck off so we've got loads of, we need more. And they were like, fuck off. So they had to just layer it like a very sad cake. Oh. Yeah. Should we keep building my mountain? Yeah,

you haven't got your cock yet. Has he got a beard? Hang on, you've gone past the shoulders and that. No, he said six inch cock, but wide.

He said that so sincerely. No, he said six inch. You haven't done the shoulders. He said six inch cock. You did say six inches though Didn't you You said six inches But gaiety

Yeah Toned with a tattoo Yeah You going like broad Or you going By the way I'm just projecting On what I think women want

And what it's going to be Is a slightly athletic man Who's reasonably good looking With decent hair Six pounds off Adam Six pounds off your eyebrows and then we're talking jason statham's a good looking man he hasn't got it yeah i just think if you if you if you canvassed every woman and well straight woman and went i reckon this is speaking as a

baldy i think some of them are like yeah shaved heads's alright but I think most like a head of hair don't they I think that's a bit of insecurity on your part I think women actually love a bald nope not all of them

not all of them but the majority also 80% shaved head and bald is a different thing isn't it yeah

like some dudes like when David Beckham was shaved headed for what was the World Cup qualifier where he scored

that amazing free kick at Old Trafford 2002 yeah for South Korea it was like the end of when he was playing

for South Korea yeah it must have been must have been autumn 2001 yeah that's a shaved head that's I think

people are into that yeah it's like a number one isn't it I am a shaved version of an old dude who's bald that's different

so yeah that's but now can we do what I want in a man I am a shaved version of an old dude who's bald. That's different. So yeah, that's... But now can we do what I want in a man? Yeah. A little Thai one with nice tits. Me stand down, me stand down. Love it. Can't wait. I think you'll suit that.

A beautiful, beautiful girl called Jeff. You and Jeff walking down the road. Come on. I think you'll suit it. Oh, I can't wait to do it. As I was saying, Laura, if she ever leaves one day, this pod's getting weird. How are you and Jeff walking down the road. Come on. I think you'll see us there. Oh, I can't wait to do it. As I was saying, Laura, if she ever leaves one day, this pod's getting weird. How are you and Jeff?

Yeah, pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Me with a Thai bride in fucking, a Thai ladyboy bride in Soghal. Talk of the village. Jeff, are you doing school drop off yes me the damn Etta like come on

please don't make me go with my new mum Jeff what have you been up to what I've been up to I did my first preview on Sunday thanks for everyone who came to Salford that was really good I've been up to I did my first preview On Sunday Thanks for everyone

Who came to Salford That was really good I put loads more in Danspreviews.com How long did you do? I did 20 minutes And then got Dean Coghlan on Who did 20 odd minutes

And then we had a break And then I did 50 minutes And had an argument With a woman from Spain And that's how we ended Classic Weird ending Was she in the audience? Who's called her? Yeah and had an argument with a woman from Spain. And that's how we ended. Classic, weird ending. Was she in the audience?

Who's called her? Yeah, I was like, I didn't get it. I was like, oh shit. I'm like that. You know that tricky last bit of a new show? You get to that tricky last 15 minutes and you're like, hang on, I'll just WhatsApp someone from Spain.

Just voice, all right. No, she was in the audience. I got a bit about being in Spain and Etta being named after Etta, the terrorist organization. It's a newer joke i like it it's working quite nicely just by chance this woman is from the basque which is where the etta etta are a basque separatist movement aren't they i have purported to know nothing about this i can be a bit of a fucking know-it-all about history. I wasn't doing any of that.

It's a preview. Some of the bits I know really well. Others are new. This is one of those new bits. I'm just happy to get a laugh. If it makes the show, don't know. She's gone. I'm from the Basque.

Like, cool, I get it. So it's a bit weird, isn't it? You're from a very specific region of Spain. You're here in Salford at a preview. The thing is going fucking beautifully. Stop bringing plus ones. They're all fucking knobheads. Please don't.

No, but it's just like, wait, I'm going to go and see Danega. I tell you what, I'll bring my aggressive Spanish friend who doesn't like the pod. She sat there grumbling for 20 minutes, and it built up, and it built up. So I did the bit. She's obviously gone fuck

I'm from the Basque right and that's in her head she now through a combination of not really loving me as a stand up being a bit pissed and being a bit Spanish

has gone has let that has just let that build up in her head to the point where she was like talking to her mates so I'm now this is now 20 minutes later in the show it's got to

that point where i've been on stage for 45 minutes and i've started losing the thread a little bit it's the first preview of 25 i will get that thread like sharp i was just a little bit like meandering and i got to the end of the section i got a whole chunk to do at the end and she she was talking it's a room of 55 people who were all on board by the way proper lids like it was really great like you said love playing to people who are like yeah damn but when people like I don't know who the fuck this guy is plus she's mentioned where I'm from in Spain so I'm gonna be weird about it she stood out she wasn't even being horrific a normal comedy club you'd be like yeah it's just someone chatting a bit but when you've got so many people going like sat there loving it someone just being

a bit eggy and chatting stands out so i was like are you are you all right she was like yes i was like is everything all right she was like yes yeah and i was like oh you don't are you okay she was like because i can just i can She was like, yes. Yeah. And I was like, oh, you don't, are you okay? She was like, cause I can just, I can hear you talking. Thought I was just basically going to go, stop talking and I'll finish this show. She was like, well, I am from the Basque. And I was like, oh, cool. And I was just saying to my friend,

he obviously does not know what he's talking about. I was like, you know when you're just, as you're about to deal with it, you're like, right, the end of the show's fucked. I know it's fucked now. In my head, I was like, that last bit's done. So by the way, if you're at the preview, you're like, is that how the show ends?

Me arguing with the Spanish lady? No. It is. It is. I'm sorry to ruin it but dan's actually hired it i've been working yeah you might have seen it on patreon editor reach out looking for a videographer and an angry spanish woman he tried to order a mail all the time but i had she arrived and he was like actually well yeah i can use this i'm telling

you what i'm all into a bloke called a lady called jeffrey but not this woman hello so she was like you obviously don't know what you're talking about and i was like right so you know i was like i'm gonna i know i'm gonna win because everyone's on my side but i can't let that lie i was like what do i not know she was like but i am from the basque and you obviously did not expect someone to be from the basque and you are talking about the Basque and I said to my friend he does not know what what he's saying I was like all right cool but you remember that I've just inadvertently named my daughter Etta not thinking about it obviously just just a name there's a few Etta's there's another one in Etta's class at school and the joke is we're in spain and it's it's the name of a terrorist organization that

you know i'm i haven't even said anything about it but that's what i know she was like i was like is that all right and she was like yes that's he's right i was like so what did i say that you think i don't know what i'm on about she's like well you just didn't expect anyone to be from the Basque. You know, and you're like, oh, you fucking knobhead. How have you traveled so far to be this fucking dumb? Maybe she was kicked out of the Basque for being stupid. Oh my God. The people of Bilbao were like, mate,

can we fuck off this idiot? Like, I don't know anything about it. What happens over there? If anyone from the Basque is watching, like you'll be glad that I'm here because I do know what I'm talking about. Where's the Basque, watching like you'll be glad that I'm here because I do know what I'm talking about where's the Basque Adam the Basque

yeah Atletico Bilbao it is that's exactly what I've been thinking for the last 10 minutes right and Achi Williams yeah

and if you're stupid we're going to the Basque if you're stupid there they kick you out yeah they send you to Manchester England they send you to Salford

and go you need to buy tickets to that night. It's a big part of the Brexit negotiations when they were like, when they're trying to secure the Irish border. Yeah. They were trying to also make sure that the Basque tunnel stays open

for them to send their stupid Basque people to Manchester. Baskets. The Basque tunnel. Yeah. It's a tunnel in the sky. No other planes can fly that way. It's a sky tunnel. It's from Bil in the sky no other planes can fly that way

it's a sky tunnel it's from Bilbao the famous sky tunnel to Manchester well it's an arrangement we've had with Spain going back to the 40s

whenever anyone fails an exam in the Basque they send them to Salford oh I love it to go to uni to go and then come and annoy me

at a fucking preview show it's a fact do you know all that had happened was basically she was from somewhere and that was it she was like And then come and annoy me at a fucking preview show. It's a fact. Do you know what? All that had happened was basically she was from somewhere and that was it. She was like, I'm from there.

But if she'd have just done it at the time, I'd have gone, oh, cool. What the fuck are you doing sitting on that for 25 minutes? Maybe she was a member of Etta. Yeah. And you were trying to blow it up, like, metaphorically. She wanted independence from for the Basque

yeah and so because they couldn't get that she moved to Salford yeah maybe she's undercover maybe she failed an exam on papers so that she could move to England to spread their hate speech

the lids that brought her you know who you are why why why why bring a Spanish Wally why no more Spanish Wallies

I am from there you fucking Joey Why bring a Spanish Wally? Why? No more Spanish Wallies. I am from there. You fucking Joey. She's welcome at my gigs. Yeah, yeah. Let's go to Adam's gigs. I don't do any anti-Bask stuff. I love it there.

It's all pro-Bask. The amount of stuff he talks about and people just, they're going, yeah, it's challenging. I'm into it. One mention of Etta. This is unacceptable. I am from there.

You don't know what you're talking about! There must be kids called ISIS. Yeah. Surely. There will be. And like Al-Qaeda, like Alan. Alan Qaeda? No. Well, that's my joke, but no, there's not. Alan's not the same.

It's not the same, is it? I like where you're going, but that's not the same thing. There must be kids called Al-Qaeda. You know, like Alan. No, Alan Qaeda. Oh, Alan Qaeda. There must be someone in Northern Ireland called Ian Ron Arnold.

The IRA. Right. Again, it's not the same, though, is it? It is if he just puts his initials. Yeah, but who's going to shout the initials down the street? Right And it's not the same though Isn't it Because Who's gonna At least if he just puts his initials Yeah but who's gonna shout The initials down the street I mean

If you're Northern Irish If you're Northern Irish And your mate's called Ian Ron Arnold And he is not affectionately Known by his friends As the IRA That's the RA

Your friendship group Has failed you I think you might not know How eggy Belfast can get I think you just shout Ian I tell you what we do In here when we want Ian

It's great when you want him in for your tea And you also want to maybe lose a fucking kneecap Shout IRA Your chicken nuggets are ready IRA Fucking great banner He keeps asking us to just call him Ian But we fucking say no Ian it's too funny

IRA A lot of people died But no Ian it's too funny I already A lot of people died But you know It's fucking funny I like edgy comedy That would make more sense Than like I'm from the bars

Fucking twats You're not ready for this tour You're not ready For the amount of Idiot you get You're not Even Remote like that's no no you will you will and the the amount you've been angered by what is essentially

quite a mild story like the thing is it is she didn't do it she just stopped to show dead to be like i'm from there you're know nothing Like what do I not know She'd had nothing She basically just like She was such a fucking Twat Was she fair No

She just got to the end And went And then I told her The rest of the bit That she like She was like Oh yeah this is good You should have done that

I was like Oh my god I don't like it You're not ready lad I am I can't wait No you As long as they're not Spanish Oh

Whoa No I don't I don't mind a heckle But not a foreign heckle Eh What if Carl heckles you Oh yeah That's the reason you bug me

Lad You obviously do not know What you're talking about I can't wait to see When has that stopped us doing anything on the pod? Ian! Ian, come in for your chicken nuggets! Such a serious issue Years of misery Lot of hurt

Yeah Chicken nuggets What? Can I just Can I also Ian Ron Arnold Like Ron is ever a fucking No, it's hyphenated No, it's hyphenated It's her name Yeah, Ron Arnold Like Ron is ever a fucking No it's hyphenated

No it's hyphenated surname Yeah Ron Arnold Oh Ron Arnold Yeah Like Alexander Arnold But he's his brother Ron Oh yeah yeah Ron

The famous surname Ron What about L. Ron Hubbard The inventor of Scientology Absolutely nailed it Cannot fault you You didn't do that Don't look at him like, he's not you.

There you go. It's like Shane Gillis. Just like that. I can't say it as good. Those words. No, but, like you were about to criticise me for Ron not being a surname.

It is. Can't have a go at me when I'm spitting facts. By the way, I know we're talking about a past episode, which is a bit like a circle joke, but fuck me, I loved having Shane Gillis in here. Yeah, felt good, didn't it?

You've shown us some clips and you've recommended some stuff in here. And the amount of good stuff we've watched on that screen over the last two years, when someone's gone, fuck me, this bit's great, or you've got to watch this. You recommending gillis and coming in and playing that trumpet i've never watched a special as much as i've watched that in the last six months maybe three or four months probably watched it five or six times because he's a big podcast comment so fucking good he gets the

podcast catchphrase heckles as well when i watch the show in London. Oh, was he getting it too? Yeah. It's not, it's not like unique to have a word. People, I mean it. I don't want to keep going back to it,

but you're going to have to tone down your anger with these people. I think I've got to get used to it, but it's a different problem. Yeah. She,

she was just a bellend and it was just a very specific thing. Like what happened on Sunday in Salford? Although I'll be honest, we've got it all on film because Will was there filming and it's going to be very good because she wasn't actually that bad.

By the end of it, she chilled out. It's just the annoyance of the show had to stop because she was like, I'm from there. But that could have happened at any show. It wasn't specific to the podcast.

I've had that happen at loads of gigs where someone's gone, it's nothing. I haven't yet had the tour show that's ended by someone going, you shat when you had three sneaks. Like, I'm not... Oh, that will happen though.

Oh yeah, what? Have you had a sneak Dan yeah but they're helping pay the mortgage she was just yeah fantastic but you know who's helping pay the mortgage more

all the people who come and don't do that went to Ireland at the weekend don't see me mate Ian particularly weird one this morning

don't see me mate Ian yeah from before no oh from Belfast yeah alright cool Belfast and Dublin nice this morning, isn't it? I'm going to see my mate Ian. Yeah? Yeah. From before? No. Oh, from Belfast? Yeah. Alright,

cool. Belfast and Dublin. Nice. These are the two of the cities I've most been looking forward to. I think it's because

I've got to get a plane there, or a boat, but I am getting a plane. Or a tunnel. No. Not going on the Basque. Not going on the Basque.

Alright, yeah, yeah. Not going on the Euro Basque. Belfast Saturday Dublin Sunday Shut up I'm doing mine Dublin Belfast

You're in Belfast and Dublin Hang on let's do it again We'll do it Is anyone playing Belfast or Dublin Anytime soon Yeah I've just told you Alright cool yeah This weekend

Final game of the Premier League season in Dublin Thank fuck this is ending And I speak for a lot of people Let's wrap this up final game of the Premier League season in Dublin thank fuck this is ending and I speak for a lot of people let's wrap this up with nine trophies with two

I don't care let's just wrap it the fuck up start again in a few months I know but I think you'll be less I think you know yeah

I'll have a good time in Ireland what's go on taking Carl with us hello taking Thomas Green with us as support

taking Will with us to film it all nice including the road trip from Belfast to Dublin I'm sending a lady from the Basque she's coming over as well

I've invited her I paid her to do your show oh nice what's her name Maria probably right not a bad guess

is it? Surname? Johnson Maria Johnson From the Basque From the Basque Her family is originally from Skegness They moved over there in the 50s

And then she moved back The famous Skeggy to Spain I suppose there might have been a few people That went from Skeggy to Spain And then she got kicked out For failing an exam And had to take the

Eurobask tunnel Back to Salford Let's start again Are you playing Ireland Anytime soon? Belfast, Dublin? Belfast and Dublin This weekend

Cool Can't wait And then I've got A day off next week That I absolutely need I am at the end Of my tank. I know that's not a phrase.

And if that doesn't prove it, what else does? I am at the end of... I'm tired. I've never been this busy in my life. And do you know what? It feels like I've spent 12 years in comedy working so that I would be this busy.

And now I'm this busy. All I want is to not be this busy yeah job done in it you've had a big tour nearly coming it's coming to an end soon isn't it say that it's still six weeks to go oh shit it's like it's not really near the end there's a third left there's still 20 shows to go for fuck's sake it's it's not really what about we're two thirds through yeah you're loving it though aren't you carl you just you asked for more dates i love it For fuck's sake. It's not really. We're about two thirds through. Yeah. You're loving it though, aren't you, Carl?

You asked for more dates. I love it. You were like, can we add a Bilbao date? I mean, can we? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. We know how to get there. A whole crowd of Spanners.

Go on. Spanish. Oh, so yeah, you're right. Just being on the motorway Is just exhausting That's all Like road trip with your mates We're always having fun Just the motorway

Is exhausting Yeah road trip with your mates Isn't five times a week Is it That's the thing Road trip with your mates Is once in a while No but we're still having fun

Doing it every time It's just like Oh we've got four hours left You're just doing it too regularly And driving back on the night It's not That's a killer Yeah

Too much of that Is going to fucking... That's why being a circuit comic is a nightmare because you can't afford to stay over places and you have to drive back at dickhead o'clock and it starts getting dangerous. I will never. Driving back from Scotland,

we were like, we've got to pull over or we're going to crash. We saved our lives. You ever been driving your car and you realise you haven't been looking at the road for like Three seconds Or even It could be 40

You've got no idea You're like oh I'm not concentrating And then you're like Oh I should be That feeling Just dangerous shit The windows open And you're like a fucking dog

Just trying to stay awake Yeah Started to put the The finishing touches together For the plans for filming me special End of June. Great. Get an independent crew to do it.

Going to try and sell it to the big streaming platform that we won't, the N-word, sell it to the N-word. I don't think that's how they want to be known, but. Why can't you say it? Because you jinx it.

And if they don't buy it. That's a well-known fact in comedy. And if they don't buy it, I'm just known fact in comedy and if they don't buy it I'm just going to put it on YouTube Beetlejuice yeah because we've had offers

to put it on well look at Chrissy D like in his special he's like we put it on YouTube like and subscribe and Netflix bought it yeah so we'll see

a 36 minute special a bit random yeah it's good though yeah I think in America at the minute, because there's a lot of comics who have sort of garnered fan bases

from podcasts and stuff, and they're not used to doing hours and hours and hours and hours. They're having like two or three support acts and they're doing 40 minute sets and releasing 40 minute specials. Ryan Long did it as well. What do you think the optimum is for a special?

Like I know everyone's like, oh, an hour, an hour and five. Is it? Is it? Is it? When you sit down, genuinely, it's hard to ask a comic, because we sort of... But, like, as people who watch comedy... 50.

50 minutes. Yeah. And eating over an hour is too long. 40 minutes, you feel a bit short, change. 50, I think, is the spot. Yeah. Interesting. It's different for me, because if it's a comedian I love,

I'll watch as much as they put out. And I mean live, like sitting down in a, I mean on a television, whatever, because you can pause and whatever. No, but I mean there is a, I suppose if it's all good,

it's great, but I watched that Chris DiStefano special on Netflix and it's really unusual that it's 36 minutes. I think stuff has been edited out of it. There's no way he did a 36 minute. No, I think he did 40s. I think he was doing 40s. Right, okay.

I'm pretty sure I seen the running order when he taped it and he had his two support acts and then he did 40. Which is basically a big old headline set, isn't it? Yeah. If it's 40, we're at a fire though, then, yeah. It's just an unusual thing to sit down and go, it's done like a fucking episode almost as of tonight i'm starting to try and cut bits out of my show and cut the fat off and get

it down to 50 i want it to be 50 minutes when it's finished i think that's it's currently about an hour and 10 in it so there's 20 in an hour an hour and 15 my preview is 50 plus 15 minutes of spanish arguing so that's you know is that good, is that good? That's the sweet spot. That's the sweet spot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to cut the fat off the jamon. Spanish. Spanish for gammon.

I can't wait to see it. I'll have to come to one of these shows. You will have to come to one of these shows. Breakdown. Break it. Break it down. Oh, I'm always on the internet, me, but I wish I could be on the internet in a different part of the world. If only there was something to help, Adam. Well it. Break it down. Oh, I'm always on the internet, me, but I wish I could be on the internet

in a different part of the world. If only there was something to help, Adam. Well, you could fly somewhere or you could travel there digitally using NordVPN.com. That's smart. Makes sense. I actually used this last night.

I watched the Villarreal versus Liverpool first leg backstage at Sheffield and I've got NordVPN on my laptop and what i do is i set it to canada and then i watch if i had a canadian broadcaster and now that they're sponsoring our podcast giving our listeners up to 73 off the packages with the promo code have a word by going to nordvpn.com slash have a word you can literally set your location to anywhere on the planet and then you can watch you can go to like oh i'm in america now on the planet, and then you can watch. You can go to, like, oh, I'm in America. Now you've got American Netflix.

You can watch The Good Wife, even though it's not on the British one anymore. That's what I want to do. Mad. You can watch footy. You can watch the three o'clock kickoffs. It's revolutionized the watching of sports. Yeah, League One Al Jazeera, get on me.

Absolutely. You can watch Mohamed Salah score goals in Saudi Arabia, and then you get the fucking sick commentary. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Hamad Saleh score goals in Saudi Arabia and then you get the fucking sick commentary. Goal! Goal! Goal! You don't have to listen to Steve doing all his ingings. Shite. NordVPN.com. Have a word.

Promo code. Have a word. We are back. Second section. Got a question here from Dane Warwick. Says, Old Queen Lizzie the Lizard. Old Queen Lizzie the Lizard, old Queen Lizzie the Lizard, Defo hasn't got long left. Then we're in for days and days of shite TV

and constant Tory crocodile tears followed by a huge state funeral. Where are you watching it? At home? You going to the pub? Try and get tickets and get down on the train? Also, if you died and got a state funeral, where do you want it?

What's going on? Who's leading the procession of mourners? It's from Dane. I've entered a competition on this morning to be one of the Paul Bairdos. Is that what they're doing? Yeah. Oh, seems a bit...

She's in bed, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allegedly. Good morning just got real good connections with the royal household this morning. Good morning, Britain. It was one of those questions where you have to ring up with the answer household this morning good morning Britain yeah it was one of those questions where you have to ring up

with the answer what is the capital of Australia that was all it was Canberra, Sydney or I think it was Adelaide alright well good luck

what where are you going to watch it you're going to try and be the poll bearer if you don't how's that related if you don't win the if you don't win the competition,

would you even watch it? No. We watched Thatcher's funeral. I think second prize is like tickets to the graveyard. I chose that as well. The crematorium? They're not going to burn the queen. No chance.

She's going full into a hole surely the royal family have got fireworks you know stick them in there it gets exciting doesn't it they're special people ordained by god

yeah like a fucking yeah we watched Thatcher's Fever at uni with Prosecco that was lovely yeah true

did you the lecture that stopped the lecture put Thatcher's Fever on we all on Prosecco right what do you think about Liverpool fans yeah true did you the lecture that stopped the lecture put that in female and we all up a second right what do you think about

Liverpool fans bearing the national anthem checks out well from everything I know of like Liverpool is a city a lot that I've learnt

over the last two years all makes sense to me I think it's really funny the reaction to it because what they're really trying to do is get it to it because what they're really trying to do is get it to stop and what they've

actually done is made it so much worse yeah like next time we're at Wembley and they play the National Anthem

it's going to be chaos did he cry? who? William Prince William yeah I heard he cried

I could see him crying from where I was stood He was sobbing And then he Cut the camera away from him He fucking nan song now You fucking rats But you could see him

You didn't need a camera What? You said you could see him Yeah they panned the camera Away from him I seen them move the camera Like fucking hell Stop he's crying

He was screaming After me nan song You scouse bastards Straight facts Unadulterated We were like Shut up you fucking gimp It's gonna be your song soon anyway

Eventually By Elton John That's not the new National Anthem is it? And it seems to me You live your life Like a Taurian Is that a candle in the wind? What's your song?

You can tell everybody I wrote this for you. I love the guy, I love Queen. What will it become? God Save the King. What? When she's dead and Charles is the one. Go back to what it used to be. Which is what?

God Save the King. God Save the King. Oh, really? Can you call a king gracious, though i think we need a new one they change gracious don't they like music's moved on so much since that was written get seaplane involved get a little bit of drill going on It should be a grime track Grime Yeah What's in that bottle? No but You can't keep that forever At some point

Like every now and then They change the flag Don't they A couple of years ago Japan went for a slightly Different shade of red In a circle They were like

Time to change this Boring Right That song is shit Yeah I agree So they need They need Like to update it It should go Same theme Same theme as shit. Yeah, I agree. So they need, they need, like,

to update it. It should go to like a public- Same theme? Same theme? Or are we just going- It should go to a public vote to see who gets to do it

and it should be, I think, you know, it should be- Tinchy Strider. No, it should be Stormzy. Stormzy.

Dow. Hey, you'd literally have to interrupt his shift at Asda Wouldn't you Tinchy phone call Royal household Tinchy's rider

The queen Endubs Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye

Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Bye Lizzie if you can see me I regret all the bad things The scouts have said Yeah it should go to A public referendum

They should tie it in With the X Factor Whatever the X Factor's Winner's single is Make that the new National anthem And it's often like a That sounds worse than

The national anthem I already hate No it'd be fucking great Right okay Because they can We can have a public already hate no it'll be fucking great right okay because they can we can have a public vote on what it should be as well that's great

have you just got bored of grime we're just going x-factors I love I like the grime I'm I think unless we can get some grime on the x-factor

imagine watching the England players after starting the national anthem with tell my man shut up it'd be fucking why can't it be evergreen by Will Young oh that'd be fucking brilliant everyone would sing that

you say nothing at all by ronan keaton yeah colorblind my nice guy like nice here a mexican guy what um colorblind by darius darius make me cry that's how to that's how to make people proud of this country again a fucking banger like a universal banger Saturday night by Wigfield everyone loves that imagine watching Prince William with that how pissed Wigfield would be

if she didn't get asked to sing it and now to sing the UK national anthem not Wigfield the whole the whole england squad unbelievable it'd be sick the ketchup song that's my opinion it's a different one today there's so many songs and it seems to me We've both had aneurysms today.

There's so many good options. What about your song? And it seems to me... There's so many good options. Well, why do you keep picking shit ones, Adam? These are all bad songs. Let's have some actual bad ones. Uh-oh! Bewitched.

No, that's the new Irish national anthem, surely. That's true, surely, yeah. Can't really take that off them. That's fair enough. Some people say I look like me now. What's like Robbie Williams, Angels? That gets everyone going. Fuck my life.

I had a funeral, didn't I? No. I had a funeral, but now it comes on, everyone's like, oh, she's an angel as well now. Yeah. The national anthem, it's not just to remember dead Queen Liz. No, I know.

But it's just, I want a song. Celebrate the new king. What is a song that comes on at a party? The theme tune to Arthur. Every day when you're walking down the street. Everyone would get into that. Sick idea. Yeah.

We should put a list together here and do a public vote. And then do one of those change that's all. Or if we're doing Arthur as well, can we have Rastamouse's theme tune just to throw it in as well? Change it up. Like six years time, everyone who remembers that will be dead. What's Rastamouse? Six years time, everyone that remembers that will be dead so what's Rasta Mouse six years time everyone that remembers

Rasta Mouse is that not cultural appropriation by a mouse was he a Rasta he's a Rasta Mouse was it a cartoon it's like an animation

on Sea Babies are you can you is there nothing in your head have you not seen it at all never seen Rasta Mouse Brown Eyed Girl

honestly a lot of it's in the title. Oh, shit. Brown Eyed Girl. Why can't we just have Seven Nation Army or something absolutely thumping? I just asked Jack White if we can have a fucking proper song.

I think people will criticise that and say it goes back to colonialism. What? Because we don't actually have Seven Nation Zoo's armies we control anymore. So people will be like, you're thinking of the British colonies and that's just way outdated.

If anything, the one we've just got rid of is more in date than that. So no. Right. It needs to be a modern song. It needs to be the Arthur theme song. This is the guy who suggested C'est la vie.

Culturally inappropriate. Hold me hands up. That was a bad suggestion Mambo No. 5 but change the words a little bit of Lizzy yeah and a little bit of Fergie

a little bit of George her son was a non-seashore kid it was George, wasn't it? yeah I'm mad I am so surprised you knew that. So, good question, Dave. What was this question?

Good question. When are we going to watch the funeral? If you've got a state funeral, obviously you're on for it, you know? Yeah. What are you doing? Where are you having it? This one.

Yeah? Yeah. Any plans? As the great Stephen Gerrardard said when i die don't take me to the hospital bring me to anfield and bury me here why would you take someone dead to the hospital exactly really funny fake quote i reckon that ever fans made up to make him look stupid no he definitely said it when i die don't take me i love it so much when i die don't take me to the hospital take me to anfield and bury me oh my god but bury me has become such a yeah a thing now

like if you if you come to me oh bury me yeah tuesday morning at anfield the security guys are like not another coffin for fuck's sake who is it it's not even a player yeah i uh who would you have in the procession because they have a state funerals they have like people walking ahead of the or walking behind the coffin don't they craig charles usually about craig charles there you go i loved robot wars when i was a kid oh and he could have a robot just going what was yours called the rowey bot the rowey bot yeah

that'd be amazing it'd be so beautiful yeah the rowey bot I told you it was just a fucking cardboard box with a knife in it yeah

and a remote control car I think that would be pretty ample have we got a separate coffin for your dick or just just a bigger coffin I think my dick needs

to go to medical research so it won't actually be with me anymore when adam dies don't bury his dick send it to the hospital are you going to donate your organs um let me just check uh no but bad organs are as useful as good organs no i don't think they want my organs you know because they want to see flammable they want to see what are you going to donate them? Genuine question. When you die. I'm not asked,

but I haven't got, I haven't signed anything, I don't think. I haven't got an organ donor card. But you know, they are changing the law or they might have already done it. Already changed.

I used to have an organ donor card, but I used it to chop up cocaine. You have to opt out now. Really? That's amazing. You have to opt out of it now they just take it automatically oh really yeah

so you are currently an organ donor without knowing not asked you don't care are you not worried you'll get to heaven and not have your dice oh good god

that's the biggest funny oh no you also have nothing else to live with you daft cunt I'm gonna opt out Oh, good God. That's the biggest funny. Oh, no. You also have nothing else to live with, you daft cunt. I'm going to opt out. I want me stuff. Hang on. You're going to do the admin of opting out of being an organ donor. Pay the bitch first.

I've already done it. Have you? Yeah. I want me eyes in heaven. Nobody can get to heaven and everyone's like, it's fucking great here. And I'm like, I don't know. I can't see. So you go to heaven and everyone's like fucking grating it and I'm like I don't know can't see

so you go to heaven not as your soul sees itself as you are post death so everyone in heaven is rotting away

and like having squirrel shit in their abdomen you die no talk me through how you see heaven I'm fascinated

a nun accidentally gets hit by a train granted bit random fucking hell that nun goes to heaven as a big fucking splodge in a in a whatever it is you die habit you go to heaven and in my head whatever happens to you afterwards is affected like in heaven i just feel like i don't want to risk it do you know what I mean I don't want to get there because I don't know

what happens and none of us do so if I get there and they're like right well you're actually in your body's perfect form but anything they fucking

suck out of you we take off you up here as well so you've got no eyes you've got no arsehole you are taking your arsehole for medical research 100%

I cannot wait to see the operation that is happening somewhere in a hospital in Liverpool where they're like we're researching eyes and arsehole at the same

time rowey bags Finlay has an organ donor card just there in Welsh can I lick it are you not worried

that you'll get up there or down there or whatever what happens if you haven't got it on you when you die so what the fuck have you got it for

then what a waste god you got it for then? God, you must have a big wallet if you're carrying around that shite. Shite? Shite? Why is it shite? How many cards have you got? Yeah, I've got too many cards. How old are you?

23. What kind of 23-year-old has his functional organ donor card? Come on, Finn. Come on, mate. You're probably right. I'm 41. How are you the more sensible one in this whole group? I've got it, by the way. Organ donor, nectar card, Morrison's more card. My club card is in there.

Shut up. How many cards you got? Go through your cards now. What have you got? Oh, for fuck's sake, Finn. I've got my debit card. Yeah, standard. That's fine. My license, my N debit card yeah standard that's my license my

nando's card that's all good that's all solid my mild high club members card that's a bit gay go on uh tesco club card yeah my uni cards what a matalan card a matalan card you active pedophile Active paedophile. Oh, come on, Finn. What? You are the youngest person on planet Earth not to have a Matalan card, to have ever stepped foot in a Matalan. Finn, Finn, Finn. There's not much in real. You know you're a sex offender. You're on the register now.

That's a sex offender card. That is basically, if you're under 30 and you've got a Matalan card, it's basically a working paedo card. There's no point having that organ donor card because when they find both of them they're going to be like, I'm not touching his organs. He obviously fucks kids.

They don't want them. They don't want paedophile organs. Who wants a paedophile liver? No one does. They just want your eyes and arsehole. I wonder if they'll blink Lear to his arsehole. Oh yeah, they've closed. Fucking muscle memory. Unbelievable.

But no one, fact, clip it out for no context, no one wants a paedophile's liver. They don't? Do you want to do it again? You wouldn't want to risk putting a liver in someone

and that's where he gets his paedo powers from. Paedo power. I miss it. Paedo power. What if the gene for paedophilia is in your liver

Oh god We haven't found it yet Have we We don't know Oh god Wouldn't it be kidneys Fuck you Go on

What else have you got Matt Oh yeah Matt Alantard Is Non Sally Holy shit Anyway I've got the answer

To where on the ball By Antony For the national anthem? Yeah. Sing it. Silence, please. Oh, what have you said there? By the way, by the way, that's not...

A national anthem, you don't go... You've just got to sing it. You don't do the tune, do you? You do with Where on the Ball by Antony D'Arc. What about the Italy one that's got loads of preamble? We thought it was all over It's only just begun A couple of instant promise

In the land of the rising sun Seen a million miles away But one thing's for sure The talk begins at 66 Because we haven't found the cure What was that one? Italy Yeah It's got two bits in it

It's fucking great Head out to Beckham Beckham to Heskey Heskey to Owen It's a goal 5-1 5-1 It's only England's

I'm actually going to enjoy Did Owen score the fifth? Wasn't it Heskey who Owen. It's a goal. 5-1. Is there any Englands I'm actually going to enjoy? Did Owen score the fifth? Wasn't it Heskey who scored the fifth? No, it's Owen. I thought Heskey scored the fifth. A lot of England

in 2001-2002 references going on. I like it. Great game. Sven was great, wasn't he? Right, well, we've learned a lot about you. Thanks for asking those questions.

I know they were personal too, but thanks for opening up. All right, Lids. We all know the arguments about pineapple on pizza, but where do you lads stand on seafood on pizza? I've attached a photo of one option from a local takeaway of this abomination. Keep up the good work, lads. All the best. That's from Rhys.

Can we slide in a seafood abomination pizza here thank you i love seafood and i love pizza but i don't want them together yeah same way i don't want like what i'm just waiting i'm excited i want yoghurts like strawberry yoghurts with a bacon butty actually that sounds quite nice it definitely doesn't what are you putting on what? Are you putting the bacon butty on the yoghurt? It's on top. Just put it in.

Chop it up. Blend the bacon butty. I agree, though. Seafood on pizza. Like a big fucking shrimp on your pizza. No. Shrimp? Yeah, I don't want to kill a whale on me pizza.

Rhys is right. I don't know about you, but I don't know to kill a whale on me pizza Rhys is right I don't know about you but I don't know dolphin pizza I used to be I used to work in a pizzeria and put like I've never

eaten fish but is it what's the oil is it brine that anchovies are kept in and tuna it's just I hate

everyone who's like oh can I have the seafood pizza you're like oh you fucking nonce yeah I'm going to I don't by the way

like I don't I wouldn't choose pineapple on a pizza like I wouldn't ask for it but if I got it I wouldn't be like what's this it's the end of the world

I had pineapple and jalapeno last night it's a my mate Bondi got me onto that years ago and I just fancied something I quite like

that sweet and that the sort of, the heat of the jalapeno. It's a bit of a random one though. I wouldn't pick it, but it's not disgusting. Give Dan your Maslan card.

Am I an instant sex offender? Can you send us in your weirdest, not like just the weirdest shit you can think of. Genuinely, try jalapeno and pineapple, unless you hate both of those things it fucking works it kind of works i've had pineapple on pizza and look i genuinely think everyone gets really angry about this like no you can't because i don't like it so you can't like

it shut up and i think that's stupid if you like pineapple on your pizza you have it but i've had it it does taste stupid and i hate it however i, I get it that you don't like it, but it's an inoffensive pizza. When someone opens up a steaming, just delivered, been in a fucking delivery bag for 15 minutes, seafood pizza, tuna, anchovies, prawns. Oh, it's so fucking offensive. I like seafood and the thought of that knocks me sick.

Finch has told me that he eats raspberry yogurt with skips. Skips. Right, there you go. There's your card back. Fucking paedophile. I dip my chips

in milkshake at my house. Chips in... Now, chips in milkshake is basically tell me you're working class without telling me you're working class.

It doesn't make any sense. I know it doesn't make sense, but it is kind of good. It's great, isn't it? It's dirty. It's dirty. It's dirty good. You're having that today.

Okay, but I won't like it. You will. You will, though. I know it sounds stupid, but you will. Did you ever have a donut burger? You ever had like a beef burger on a donut, like a fairground style donut

with beef and cheese and bacon on it? No. It's talk stuff but it's have you had it yeah it's so rich it's like you know when you're eating something you're going i'm enjoying this decadent your body starts going what like mid meal your body's like why the first quarter of your meal your body's like go get on me there any other other combinations of food? Pizza combinations. Have a word pod at gmail.com. I'm all into it. I want to hear

your genuine any food combinations. Have you got any odd ones? You? I mean, I suppose not. What about you?

Um, a lot of the shit that I do is weird though, isn't it? Because I know you're quite plain though,

aren't you? Genuinely, I think mint yogurt from Indian on a pizza. I've said it before. Works a fucking treat. That's insane. that I do is weird though, innit? Because I... No, you're quite plain though, aren't you? Genuinely, I think mint yoghurt from Indian on a pizza, I've said it before, works a fucking treat. I think that's insane.

No? I can see that working. Yeah. It's no different to having a bit of garlic, like a garlic mayo, yeah. It can be a bit minty sometimes.

Yeah. I'm fussy, but like, a lot of people are freaked out by the chocolate pretzels thing. I brought them in a few months ago. Fucking loved them.

Yeah. There's certain things that work that are weird. But when you're talking to a fussy person, it's really difficult because I... Have you got any odd ones? Straight down the line. No. I did have a thought recently on a hangover about salted caramel

where I'm like, who come up with that? Who looked at caramel and thought how can we make that less healthy is there salt what is caramel

just caramelised sugar basically it's sugar yeah but it's not there must be something is there a bit of salt in it anyway because all of the good stuff

that you want like sweets are salt and fat aren't they sugar and fat sorry can't you make it by putting condensed milk in the pan

like ours is it condensed milk am I getting that right you've never tried to make my own caramel I've made my own I have what are you doing Sunday

well big day making my own caramel get me that Matalan card thank you it's sugar heated at 340 degrees Fahrenheit yeah it's just a slow It's a slow cook of sugar

So it just goes all melty Yeah I'm open to all of these suggestions guys I bet you there's some freaks who have like I feel like a patron special food challenge is coming for us Because I'm mad fussy Can you do hot stuff? I'm pretty good with hot stuff

I want you to have a poached egg that's been dipped in beans. So fucking offensive. I feel like he should be forced to do that. A poached egg that's been dipped in a pan of beans. Oh, no, no. I literally can't do that. Oh, really? We can do it for a Patreon special.

It's just normal foods. They're not even, like, strong flavours. I know you don't like them. I know you don't. And it doesn't matter. But poached eggs are fire. And it doesn't matter to you. Like, you don't like them. I know it doesn't matter but poached eggs are fire. I know it doesn't matter to you. Like you couldn't give a fuck.

I had a poached egg this morning. Could you do tuna on the Patreon special? If we did a food challenge. It's a very, very offensive food. I find that offensive. Like genuinely, that's,

to be fair, I can't do tuna either. It would be entertaining watching me struggle through. I'll try tuna if you try what I've just tried. It's just basically every childhood meal where my dad was like this is bullshit let's deal with it and then there'd just be him like shouting at me to eat food and me crying so stressful my childhood fucking come on i remember going to a cub a cub camp and r

kayla was like this is bullshit it's just attention seeking just me and R.K. were having a fucking Benny about baked beans on I think like a jacket potato eat it what a skin on fucking gross

yeah let's do a let's do a food challenge is it a mukbang I've what's it called mukbang is that right muk

you ever heard of that you have a podcast but you all eat. That's what it's called, I think. A mukbang? Yeah. M-U-K-K-bang.

It does sound like fucking someone in the arse, doesn't it? It does a little bit. You up for a mukbang, girl? That's a very different Patreon special. I would love you to ask

someone like that. Have a word. They're really running out of ideas for the Patreon specials, aren't they? Five years in. Just all fucked each other in the arse.

A mukbang or a miokbang is known as eating a show. The heat challenge would be good How are you I'm okay with heat I reckon I could smoke you with these Oh you can take some heat I'll do a hot challenge

With you if you want I'd rather do that than tuna Every day of the week Really I think if we're doing A patron food challenge I think there's got to be Elements to it

Like we've got to try Each other's If I eat tuna It'll be over Because I'll have to go and be sick And I won't want to eat anything. So we'll headline him with tuna. Yeah, you do tuna and he does a poached egg and beans.

I don't want to do tuna. It's fucking gross. It's so gross. I'm okay with tuna. I don't... What's your food that makes you go... I've told you, undercooked steak. Right, yeah.

And it's chewy and you can't swallow it because it's just... And it's irony. Yeah, and it's just like in your mouth, just like a big sludge. Aside from that, I'm okay with most food. How are you with the the oh no i gone um spice udon noodles as well like big worms oh man yeah yeah right no i don't like people go to japan and that's like the first thing they eat no give me uh egg noodles nice thin egg noodles i don't think i've ever had noodles yeah just thin you've never had noodles here we go again i had noodles last night right this is what we need to do you're you're an absolute fucking pussy wagon is what you are

tell me right now where's the card where's the matline tell me some other stuff that like is really normal that you haven't tried. So we've got beans, eggs. You've never had either of them even in your mouth. Oh, by the way, you know you and me hate tuna. Yeah. I've never eaten it.

I don't know. I'm just guessing. The smell. I'm pretty sure I'm right. Yeah, okay. Have you eaten tuna though and then gone, I'm not eating that?

I've eaten like roasted tuna. I've had like, I've ordered tuna in a restaurant. Grilled tuna is lovely. I get what you mean with like the tinned tuna. I've tried it and I didn't roasted tuna. I've ordered tuna in a restaurant. Grilled tuna is lovely. I get what you mean with the tinned tuna. I've tried it and I didn't like it. Tinned tuna is a totally different thing. Tuna steak's a bit different, isn't it?

That's what I've tried. That's nice. But I still didn't love it. Tell me some other stuff you haven't tried. Because noodles is fucking bat shit. Yeah, you'd be fucked. I don't think I've eaten noodles. You haven't had the ramen, no?

What's a ramen? What is it? This Patreon special is going to be sublime. No, do you know what? Do you know what it's going to be? It's going to be him

sat there going, actually, this is quite nice, isn't it? It's good though, isn't it? It's going gonna be me vomiting eating tuna and him going I'm not eating tuna I'm having me fucking

eggy beany ramen he's having loads of nice things oh my god should I scramble in these lovely we need a chef bit of black pepper we need a chef then don't we

oh yeah we need a chef now you're part of you're cooking because you're just a very talented chef um we yeah if you yeah anyone knows Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver part of you're cooking because you're just a very talented chef yeah

if you anyone knows Gordon Ramsay or Jamie Oliver or Heston Blumenthal get them to email us have a word or just a chef

with a kitchen oh we should do it in a restaurant oh yes Nigella Lawson a restaurant lock-in Wesley do you know a chef who'd probably do that oh yeah we do yeah oh we definitely would as a lock-in we get bev you know a chef who'd probably do that?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we do, yeah. Oh, we definitely would. As a lock-in, we get bevvied and we all have scones we've never had before. Oh, my God! A food lock-in?

Fuck off. Unbelievable. This is amazing. A flocking? Nope. I'm a baby, yeah. Oh, phenomenal. Yeah, I love it when we come up with these ideas.

We need to plan it, though. Like, things you don't like, things you've never tried. Yeah, yeah, we'll do it. We'll just... Oh, aye. Belter, when's our next free month? Go figure it out. It'll be coming.

February 2025. Yeah. I need to get me tour done and have a week off, and then I'll be back on fucking business. Another fucking business. My tank is running on closed. Back on business. I just need to put my head down on a bed and sleep it sideways.

Another known sayings that I've just made up. Yeah? Because at the end of the week... It's Friday. Yeah. Get on yourself. Oh, that'll be fantastic. Go, Ian.

Yeah, the food locking's great. Can we have a break so we can go and have a little bit of food locking now before the guests get here? Sarah Keyway, she's brilliant. You're all going to love her. I love her. You're all going to love her. She's great.

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I walk into a coffee shop and I'm like, did you control the oxygen levels when you were making this? And they were like, yeah. Fucking better off. And is it made by Martin or John or Gary? And if they're like, no, we didn't. I'm like, be gone. Keep your coffee.

For I am going home for a cup of packed. Enter the code WORD50 at checkout. Nice one, lads. Chatty, chatty, bang, bang. Part three of four. Carl's here. Hey. I can see myself on the camera.

Hello, there I am. I am here, hello. Sarah Keyworth is here. Hiya. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. It's very nice to be here. We're very, very glad that you're willing to come up and do it. Oh, well, you know, you pay for my train.

Have we paid for that yet? Yeah, we will do. We definitely will do. You said you would. I'll walk out of here right now. And how are you getting on? I'm paying 30 quid to be here. How are you? How are you doing? I'm very well, thank you. I had a bit of a nightmare journey. Okay. Basically, I got the train from London, and there was a man sat in front of me, and he was just making a lot of noise,

and then he got up to put his bag up on the shelf thing, and back facing me. And then this is just going to sound like I've immediately gone in with toilet humour, but did the most... We don't stand for that on Have A Word, actually. There's no toilet humour allowed. The most protracted fart you could possibly make loud. In your face.

Right in my face. In your face. In the quiet carriage. Head height carriage head height head height fart five seconds that's not a long fart

it was like his arse arse was screaming five seconds five count to five right now hang on I'll do

I want you to make a fart noise Adam for five seconds okay ready three two one go five seconds okay ready three two one go five seconds how loose is your arsehole that it can't make a fart sound I hate how much his eyes were watering throughout that it just does that anyway it's when he's enjoying himself did it woke myself up Did it trump? Did it trump? Yeah, trump the whole proper toot. Like rattling.

And then he I don't think you can blame the rattling of the train on his fart. No, the train wasn't moving yet. Oh, wow. He was rattling. His arse was rattling.

You know when you can imagine like his pants were flapping that kind of thing. And then he turned around and looked at me and he went, excuse you.

Instantly he's won now He's won Because everybody else On the train can't see me They can only see him And they've heard the noises Come from our direction I'm fucked I have got nothing

But respect for that man now I'm fuming To pass that off As someone else's What an animal 1-0 immediately That's 4-0. That's absolutely fuming.

I woke up myself and put a fart in today but I woke up in the middle of the fart and the rest of it lasted more than 5 seconds. I'm not even messing. I woke up and I was like, oh, here we go. That's why you don't think it's a long fart. You're farting all night long. Finn, can you just tag in for a second?

Finn, just give the mic to Finn. Finn, Could you Tell me what you This is like Insider trading But tell me about Sleeping in a hotel room With Adam Rowe

In Villarreal Oh wow Wow It was quite an experience It really was So Sarah For full context Liverpool played

Villarreal away I took Finn On a little trip to go to the game. Paid for a lot of stuff. Very grateful. Finn paid for his ticket, I paid for his flight. So what's the payback? I just put this into a twin room. This is a weird power dynamic in this friendship, by the way.

You're really hanging that over him. I just tried to be a really great boss. Yeah? Yeah. And then made him sleep in a bed with you. In a bedroom. In a bed with you in a bedroom in a bed with you in a bedroom

okay I thought bosses like that weren't allowed anymore they are as long as I don't make them look me in the eye while we're kissing it was alright

it was good yeah it was nice in a twin room thank you very much okay very standard practice with the European away trip mhm

what did I do we've got all the context remind me to never go away with Adam how many windows just one okay got the context I'm a very light sleeper

how many stars I'm a very light sleeper so Adam just any noises in the night kind of wake me up so there was plenty of as you'd expect

if you've listened to the podcast plenty of flatulence in the night none that were five seconds, weirdly. And lots of just jibber-jabbering, just talking. And then I think I checked my watch,

not my watch, checked my phone after it. It was about 4 a.m. And just silence. And then out of nowhere, he just went, hey, and he did thevin webster voice in his sleep you dreamers i'm not sleeping for rosie and that woke me up and i started crying laughing to myself i was like i can't this is fucking brilliant i didn't you started crying laughing and he was like shut up finn just sleep it was

fucking great it was i did a kevin webster impression up Finn just sleep it was fucking great I did a Kevin Webster impression in your sleep yeah it was fantastic you should do an episode of this where Adam's sleeping the whole time yeah

just get the noises I think if he doesn't have a day off soon we are going to be doing that episode pretty soon because he's running on empty fumes

in the he's running on in the energy area oh that was let's say something like that oh then can you do it now can you reenact

what you did which pretend to be asleep and wake up yourself with a Kevin Webster noise no he didn't wake up he didn't wake up

oh shit I was just like hey that that'd be a lot that'd be a lot he has full like

some people go oh say words. He has conversations. Remember, I share a room with him often now. He has conversations. So you're just used to it? Do you talk or,

like, walk in your sleep or anything? I don't say a word. F? Yeah. I don't say a word. My lips are sealed. You want to tell me a secret?

Then put me to sleep. I will keep that secret. You're not even a sleep grass. Yeah. That's how fucking. I will keep that secret. You're not even a sleep grass. That's how fucking... I will keep it to... Yeah, I'm quiet in my sleep. I don't move. I don't speak.

It's like I'm scared. Like a spider in the bath? It's like I'm frozen in fear. Yeah. I'm done. Like that, yeah. My girlfriend chats away all night. She'll talk to me constantly.

Do you indulge her? No, I don't talk back. I think it's sometimes funny to indulge her. Really? Yeah. Carl talks back to me. we talk enough during the day shut up sleep carl talks back to me he's told me so i'll start talking i'll sit up in the bed and i'll open my eyes and i'll just start but i'm still asleep and he knows i am sometimes he'll try and oh my god develop that conversation no come on you haven't sat up while sleeping. Honestly. I'm not doing it for Rosie.

When you witness it for the first time, you'll think he's a weirdo. The reason we work so hard on this podcast is so I don't ever have to share a room with him. That is why we push

the patrons so hard. Our own rooms. This weekend, you're going to be staying in the room with Thomas Green the whole time and I'm getting rooms for myself. Nice.

Does he do anything in his sleep? Fuck, I can't. He comes up and he's like, he has fever dreams about the Australian bushfires and he starts shouting. Australian bushfires? What does he say? He's just terrified.

That's hard, can't. I might pay for my own room then, to be honest with you. Yeah. Might do that. Where are you going this room then I'm going to be honest with you Yeah Might do that Where are you going this weekend? I'm just having a chat with you That's what it is We're going on a

We've got like I'm in your hometown tonight Oh yeah Come to Nottingham Oh I should have been there last night mate Was it good? It would have been wild I wasn't there

I don't know Sounds like it was good So you should have been there last night Yeah I wish I was I was sat in a fucking Nottingham Forest are in the playoff Of the championships final

yes yeah we've got a look Carla's also my tour manager so we've got slash companion slash sleep tour life partner

life partner essentially yeah yeah that's nice I've been in a bed with you I've just realised yeah that was a wonderful night

and I'll never forget it excuse me everybody had a horrible time talk me through talk me through this one I've got no idea what with you, I've just realized. Yeah, it was a wonderful night and I'll never forget it. Excuse me? Everybody had a horrible time. Talk me through this one. I've got no idea what I'm doing. It was for hours, we were in bed for hours. Oh! There was cameras on.

Remember. We filmed it. We filmed it. Toys involved. There was toys involved. Washing up liquid. Yeah, there was a strap on. A washing up bucket.

You were the girlfriend. I was wearing a little bit of lingerie. Yeah, I don't know what it is how did I not clock that I don't know how you don't get that because I look like a man in drag

there's something about that show every time they're like we need a very very feminine woman they get me there's like

a producer on that show who's like wouldn't it be funny if Sarah Keyworth was a big fat heterosexual every time they need

like a femme woman they drag me up like it I totally didn't clock that that was you I forgot yeah I had a routine about

for those who haven't seen it the clip is on my Facebook page such a fucking good bit it's about an ex-girlfriend asking me could she fuck me in the ass with the strap on and there's a bit in it you should go and watch it where i say no we've got to get a new one because she's wants to use one that she's used before

and she goes i've cleaned it and in the sketch like she i'm not the ex-girlfriend by the way i need to stress this this is acting This is not true I've never tried to peg Adam Rowe I want that on record Do you really want that on record? I want that on record I've never in my life Tried to peg Adam Rowe

Yet Thank you There's the teaser I speak for a lot of women She was given a washing up bucket And it's covered There's loads like soap suds in it like loads of bubbles so she had to say i've cleaned it and pull a strap on out of a washing up bucket

but every time she did some bubbles would fly off the end of the phallic device and we would just lose it laughing to the point in the end matt campion who was the director and like one of the people from the production company he was like guys come on this is take 76 you can't laugh at this one so we were like right game face we've got this and we nailed it and on the one we nailed it on he based on laughing because well because jizz soap was flying off. Yeah. You can't take it seriously when someone's like, I know it looks like it's coming, but can you just be serious right now? Yeah.

Can you just take this seriously for a second? I'd flick it out and I can't, because Adam's eyes would go, follow it every time. You always do that. He's just watching. There's soapy jizz flying across the room. It always do that. He's just watching. Watching a train. There's soapy jizz flying across the room.

It's fast asleep. Hey! Hey! Yeah? I love that bit. It was so perfect for a stand-up sketch show. I love that.

I think it's such a great... I genuinely... Some stand-up on TV doesn't work and that seems like it's a bit of a muddled idea that I think they execute really well

I've seen so but that story works so well in there such a horrible dildo as well wasn't it was it yeah

I don't I genuinely don't think I'd be able to tell the difference between a horrible dildo and a good one it was a cheap dildo was it

yeah hang on is a strap on right okay a strap on dildo was it yeah how what hang on is a strap-on right okay strap-on dildo is very much like a basic phallic replacement whereas like a full vibrator dildo is more of a like a vibrator and a dildo different things yeah yeah i think we have a rabbit there i think and yeah the sort of hack like how can i compete with this that's the queen isn't it

yeah have you not seen it she's so old she just gets a rampant rabbit out what the hell one is so pleased to be here the queen queen's old that's what the queen's got her own line of vibrators out for the jubilee platinum bitch the royal wave yeah it's just an arm with this on the end of it just one diamond ring on the end. And the national anthem playing. Say la vie, say you will. What do you think the national anthem is? It's from before.

It's hard when people come halfway through and then I do a call back to someone and you're like, these guys are actually stupid. We have no idea where he is in the world. I'm sure you've seen the news over the weekend that Liverpool booed the national anthem at the FA Cup final.

Not even Forest fans can't wait for the opportunity to be at Wembley fuck off but we we were trying to come up with an alternative like we think

when the Queen dies we're going to need a new one because I don't think it really suits Charles God save the Queen no no

I mean there's an obvious edit but Adam's refusing that scrap it scrap it don't like it unless his dildo is this one so

I want to go with 2002's We're On The Ball by Anton Dech yeah I think that'd be the one to go with which you know that's very specific to you

yeah yeah it is 100% have you got any suggestions of a new national anthem for Charles by the way

I still need dildos and thing he's explaining dildo is a big i just i'll come back to it i just need to i'm an absolute expert in this mate right well let's just do this national anthem because i need some dildo truth okay expose the truth for you um national anthem for charles yeah just like a new national anthem like because obviously god save the Queen was written back in the day and music's moved on so much since then so I feel like

the new one it needs a rap verse maybe a grime verse with a pop in it it needs some awful it needs some features and did you suggest

Sailor V when he said this no he did before he was being silly I said Sailor V and Dan points out that they're Bewitched at Irish

and that there'd be political issues there so we retracted that it's a lovely recap for everyone listening oh thank fuck I'm getting a recap on what happened

and I listened to it 20 minutes ago previously from before if you've had a car crash it's good for me though you can tell I listen to this podcast

well you're doing well to listen to the first section yeah so don't worry too much you can tell I listen to this podcast you're doing well to listen to the first section yeah so don't worry too much about the National Anthem song we are very much interested in your dildo expertise now

what's your question I'll strap on dildo Sarah I'm asking you specifically for any reason or anyone in the room. Finn. It's not, that's not a, I don't get it. Is it like a, is it just a separate one

that goes on the strap on bit on the thing? So you can buy different types of harnesses. It's just like having a hat. Yeah, yeah, that's what I thought. Because I own a load of hats. And I'm always pointing at one going, these are just like strap on. Pass your hat on there.

No, fuck off. I'm not doing strap-on hat. Kiss my ass. There's a fez up there you can take. Oh, no. I don't know where he's going with this. I can't. He's put it in the air.

There's a big cock coming out of it. That's not true. Oh, it's just like a hat then. It's not correct. Is that not true? It's not true. Just like a hat. I don't know why you think it's like a fez.

Do you want this? Second week in a row. Bullshit. Okay. Just assume that that like a fez. Do you want this? Second week in a row. Bullshit. Okay. Just assume that that was got dinged. Dinged? Really? Was the bullshit bell across the studio.

I didn't realise how involved you get with the props in the room. It's got like a panel and then a cock coming out of it, doesn't it? Yeah, it can do. It can have like a little, like, not like a full triangle, like a triangle with a, what is that? Like a... A hexagon. Is it a hexagon? Pyramid. Rhombus. He hexagon is it a hexagon pyramid rhombus hexagon

with a flat bit a rhombus rhombus on a dance rhombus is it basically like a chastity belt with extras just chastity belt that's really gone wrong yeah it's the opposite of a chastity if you're buying that as a chastity belt for your daughter. Great parenting, honestly. It's like a silencer for your chastity belt. I bet it's on Amazon. A silencer. So it's just basically a plastic dildo attached to a thing. It's never plastic. What?

It's like a silicon, but it's not like... Oh, silicon. Yeah, it's not like hollow plastic. It doesn't bend. It's never plastic. I go organic with my dildos. I do. Made out of hemp. Have you? It's the vegan dildos. It doesn't bend. It's never plastic. I go organic with my dildos. I do. Made out of hemp.

Can you? It's the vegan dildos. Probably. Shut up. No. There are leather ones, so there's the opposite. Oh, that'd get a bit hot, wouldn't it? Yeah.

Hot. Is that your main concern? Like friction, surely? I think the friction would be uncomfortable. Do you think people are fucking in the park on a hot summer's day? No, but the bum bum gets hot, doesn't it? What? The friction on the leather.

Surely that'd get a bit burny. It's a specific kink, I think. Oh be a tot don't it what the friction on the leather surely that'll get a bit burny it's a specific kink I think oh really is it yeah they're all vegan dildos are they yeah bananas

what are they made out of tofu can you order us one who's got the company card I'm not even joking I want a banana made dildo here

stat banana made well you know made of bananas made by bananas made. Well, you know, made of bananas. Made by bananas. There you go. Okay. Seven speeds.

Gearbox. Surely that's it. See, shit like this, I don't understand this. I don't understand why you'd want it. Who looks at a banana and goes,

actually, don't answer that. Don't answer that. Literally in that moment I remembered where I was I thought I don't think you I'll answer that one hang on

does that does anyone know it's a vegan toy I thought this was a dildo made of like dried you know banana

that is just a plastic banana dildo I'm starting to think you've never had sex in your life what with a banana dildo no Sarah let's to think you've never had sex in your life. What, with a banana dildo?

No. Sarah, let's learn together. I just think you need something that's a bit more, let's learn together. I'm not letting you put banana in me. What, there's combo deals? You need something that's more structurally sound than mushed banana. I think if you dry banana properly,

I think, you know, the technology they've got these days. Don't look me in the eye when you say that. Don't stare me down. What the fuck is eggplant? Cucumber? What's this carrot? I think you can find technology they've got these days don't look me in the eye when you say that don't stare me down eggplant cucumber what's this carrot i think you can find a dildo that's shaped like pretty much anything what that's not made of eggplants is it no it's made to look like an eggplant yeah but i don't why the question is why would you want it to look like an eggplant because vegans love veg because because maybe you're a lesbian with a sense of humour you know maybe you're a lesbian

prop comic they don't exist alright lesbian prop comic there's no lesbian sense of humour there's no such thing as a lesbian

with a sense of humour but by the way I've met them all you know they're so miserable speaking for all of the I'd love to see

a lesbian prop comic hi I'm date women, but that's not the important thing. What have I got in my bag? And you know, everybody in the room would go, it's obviously an aubergine.

We know it's an aubergine. Corn on the cob. Oh, come on. For someone's pleasure. Mad. Right. That is tame. Yeah.

Oh, is it? Yes. Compared to some of the things i've witnessed not me personally can you work i can't what the convention i can't remember basically a long time ago somebody i know purchased one that was like a like a like a dragon dick. You get like sort of monstrous ones. A Welsh dildo. Like a fantasy dildo. Oh my God. So telly's back on, telly's back on. How can you get that telly back on?

Oh no, not like the octopus, like the horrible monstrous. Yes. Yeah, that's it, that's it. What? There's a foot? I don't condone this, by the way. This is not me.

Oh, you've got to be a big girl for the David's Paw, haven't you? My God. Boy, boy. You've got holes too. Well, you've got to be. What's the name? Okay, I'll say this. You've got to be a big girl and a fucking adventurous boy for the David's Paw.

Yeah. What's the name? Keep going. Oh, my. The John? That's how they're called. They are horrible names. Yeah. For the men. Keep going. Oh my. The job. They are horrible. Buy it. Buy it.

Buy it. I'm not joking. Here's the company card. It's 65. What colour do you want it in? Here's the company card. There's the company card. Oh, you can personalise it.

We need a job. You can personalise it. What colour do you want it? The job. In the pod colours, orange and blue. Thank you. The job. In the pod colours Orange and blue Thank you The John You need to figure out

If you can get it branded Oh god Finn's going to get on that now Do you know what Already I regret My ordering of it And Why because you

Have to deal with the accountant Have I ruined this podcast You've made it So much better What are we going Size Extra large? No, please don't.

An extra large John? Firmness as hard as it comes. Oh, no. I want a soft. I want a floppy John. Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How much is that total now?

$135. $135? Standard. Is it VAT receipt? The accountants will love this. We need it for the shelf I love it when the accountants 245

Buy it Buy it now You can't If the telly's off You don't know what's happening I swear to fucking god You're paying for my train tickets A lot of that money

Just went on dildos I'm so sorry Take it out of the dildo budget Get me home. Demon dish. When you met your girlfriend, did you have to sort of like have a knife amnesty on dildos? Did you have to like take it to a local police station

and give up all your former dildos? And then do you have to go, I want to learn about lesbian culture. Do you, when you meet a new girlfriend, have to be like, right, let's go together. We've been dating for two months. It's time we bought new dildos together. Or is be is it like adam's bit of material like some of the classics this i bought with my ex before the other ex and then i've had one of my memory lane dildos yeah i

i genuinely don't know the answer to that because i didn't own any before i met my girlfriend now oh my god you're a dildo virgin no i wasn't a dildo virgin but i just you know i other people had them okay good i wasn't buying you just borrowed there's not a problem exclusive to lesbians either like one of my ex-girlfriends had and i i use this term very specifically a treasure chest full of cock objects some people collect some people collect them yeah it was an actual treasure chest cock objects i use my words very carefully cock paraphernalia was it at the bottom of the sea she's like come on into the albert dock i've got a surprise for you

drops an anchor down it's got two dicks on the end of that yeah like she showed me a lot of stuff one of which was a strap on and she was like i want to use this and i was like have you used that before she's like yeah but i've cleaned it and i was like no but it's a very good question because they're expensive as you've just learned like that's that's a weird one but they are kind of that price. That's niche. Across the board. Good ones are like 200 odd quid.

Some of them, depending on what you're getting, especially vibrators and things like that, can be really expensive. So it'd be annoying if someone was like, you've got to get rid of all these. But then I can understand not wanting to use something that somebody's shagged their ex with. I didn't.

There was things that she had that she had used had ex-boyfriends use on hair and that didn't and i'm not saying that i'm not saying by the way that this is the right way to think i'm not saying i'm mentally healthy i'm just telling you how i felt okay the stuff that like she was like yeah this is you just say, I'm not saying I'm mentally healthy? Yeah, yeah. Everyone knows that. Also, can I just say, this is classic this podcast. I'm trying to learn about lesbian culture and Adam's like, I've got this.

Let me tell you from my perspective as a lesbian, Dan, even though I'm not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. No, because it's not a problem exclusively as lesbians. Yeah, I hand over to Adam on this one. Great. I delegate to my colleague. Thanks. Thanks for helping me learn.

I'm bringing in a dildo expert. The things that have been used on here. The cock objects that he doesn't know about. It's not worth talking about. If you want to talk about treasure chests and cock objects, I think the whole of the industry knows you go to Adam Rowe. Adam Rowe knows his cock objects. Like she had a wand

she had to plug into the wall. Oh no. That worries me because I just get scared it's going to set on fire or something. I've never used anything like that. It's like the toaster

you just make sure it's off before you go to work. You don't want to blow the fuse on something connected to your fanny do you? That's not good. So I wasn't bothered about that. Get halfway to work

and you're like did I leave my weapon down? Get halfway to work and realise you're still attached to the wall there's a lot of lead on that my god why do you need to be attached to the mains

what why do you need that much power but these have been these it's not a fucking jack am I they predate batteries I think there was like

a steam powered one a long time it sounds like I'm making it up a crank one yeah there's always been a need for I suppose there has been a steam powered one a long time. It sounds like I'm making it up. A clank one? Yeah, there's always been a need for a good time. Yeah. Sorry, what? There's always been a need for a good time.

I understand. I'm just, I just want to do that. There's a steam powered dildo. I think, okay, I'm going to need to. You're getting your dildos and chains mixed up again. Stevenson's badge rocket. Steam powered dildos. Steam. Steam. up again steve steve what did you write steve is there a steep i would dildo hey stay are you uh moonlighting as a dildo it's small oh my god that is well can you google steam power powered first ever vibrator oh my god oh my god she's got to be a confident girl

to have isambard kingdom brunel oh basically working her fucking sex there it is that takes me back is this it the time travelling lesbian That's the next cartoon That's the next cartoon The new Nickelodeon series When the dildo glows We've got Peter the Cocksucking Cowboy And the time travelling lesbian Well I look forward to that

Is it in the post? Yeah okay Express delivery Express delivery I'm a busy girl. Yeah, the only thing I had an issue with was the thing that had been in another man's arsehole. And I think that's... Your girlfriend.

Understandable. Yeah, no. The strap-on one. I was like, we can use the other stuff because that's only touched you. But the thing that's been in another man's arsehole, that's only touched you but the thing that's been another man's arsehole that's my line and i felt like i was being unreasonable but i think that's a very respectable line but that's where it equates to lesbian relationships isn't it because what you're saying is they're

your toys you've used them on them the thing that you've been using on someone else that's the line that's sort of what i was asking sarah not that you speak for the lesbian council but it's when you've used it oh you do, you've elected, congratulations do you want to see my badge? sorry, badge Steve Ballard this is so utterly ridiculous have we just spent 15 minutes on dildos?

yeah, you can google like original lesbians, it's going to be me with like a sign cocks for women. Oh, my God. 1280. I'm learning now. The sign you went with was cocks for women. Cocks for women.

Like, votes for women, yeah. Cocks for women. That's what we want. What do we want? Cocks for women. I'm going to get you that on a poster for the head here as well. When do we want it? Now.

Yeah, 15 minutes on dildo. When do we want it? Any time. I'm a time traveller. I'm going to pick it up. By the way, if you're a time traveller lesbian I said 12.80 That's a risky time travel innit

I think As a woman Not even a lesbian Yeah It's a risky time travel Don't turn up in your fucking Well it's got dark isn't it That was cheerful for a while

Yeah Don't just do Cheery Okay You can be serious Could we have a dildo on the back? Would that be allowed? Would YouTube be all right with that?

I think the one you've bought looks so much not like a dildo. Yeah. We just say it was like a water gun or something. What water guns do you buy? Because of the cock on your backdrop. It's a water gun, mate. It's a water gun, mate? Hang on. That's not water.

We've manually reviewed your water gun. That's actually, having said that, you can get some that... There you go. That's a water gun, isn't it? So technically, yeah. Like a turkey baster? Imagine being that kid at a water fight. Mum, get me water...

Oh, shit. The kid with two mums. It's a lovely day The kids on the street Are having a water fight No one wants to play with Mark Mark Gonna borrow your super soaker mum

Oh dear Good times Sarah Yeah Let's just rewind Because I haven't really recovered It's nice to be here I'm glad you're here.

There are dildos that come. I do this as a travelling talk. There are dildos that come. Straight men across the world. There are dildos that come. Can we focus on that for a second? Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.

So, right. I'm not Googling that. I think we've Googled it. I don't really understand this but it's a preference that people have well not a preference I suppose it's just like a thing where you can, I don't know what you fill it with I think maybe they send you some liquid

I think it'd be a faff like you're having a really nice time and then suddenly you're like where's the squeezy bit I'm not going to come but I'm about to pretend I'm coming Is it like I'm about to pretend I'm coming is it like a baby wee wee I suppose so yeah

wow remember them babies that shit themselves and all that do you mean babies this is actual babies I think when we're talking about

what we're talking about I think just saying the word baby too close to it you know what I mean it's pretty strong Matalan vibes off you there can buy a doll

that pisses itself I think it's a similar design obviously different intended use same factory it's the wrong shape my crying you want dolls or dildos today john check the sheet hang on hang on check the boxes they've already gone out come on john we've made this mistake again that's what it's called dolls and dildos Hang on, hang on. Check the boxes. They've already gone out. Come on, John. We've made this mistake again. That's what it's called, dolls and dildos. Fucking hell.

Toy master with human. That's what shut toys on us down. Those are the two types of lesbian, actually. Dolls and dildos. Butch and femme. Oh, guys and dolls any more questions is that a TED talk

Dan any more so Forest Day being the big game yeah big game big game yeah yeah yeah

big game good looking good you know good look should have got it in Forest colours actually should have

red and white. Red. Do you need a break? I think he needs a break. My crying dildo. Oh, my God. They were weird, them things. I don't know why, as a parent, you'd buy your kid one of them.

The dolls, by the way. Yeah, it's mad, isn't it? Like, why would you ever want your kid one of them Dolls By the way Yeah it's mad innit Like why would you ever Want your kids toys To be able to make a mess Where's your dolly Has anyone ever had one of them A what

Like a real baby Kind of thing A crying one She's got a bath toy That is That's just for the bath It doesn't actually make a mess though Does it

It just makes a noise Doesn't poo This one just cries But you can get ones That like wet themselves And then you have to clean it up. There's dolls that poo. Poo? No, no.

Yes. There's dolls that poo themselves. What is it? It's shit. Actual shit? You have to fill it yourself. My kid's a method actor. We tried it with like, you know, melted chocolate.

She was like, what is this shite? Get me the real thing. Your kid's having a temper tantrum because nobody needs a poo that day. You have to poo in a doll and give it to it and go, yeah, melted chocolate. She was like, what is this shite? Get me the real thing. Your kid's having a temper tantrum because nobody needs a poo that day. You have to poo in a doll and give it to it and go, yeah, have fun. Clean that up. No, really.

My baby plops a lot. The Dutch version. It's a real thing now. I think you must have made that up. No, I'll tell you what. I think he's dreamt it. Can I be a hundred percent honest? Baby, the shit!

What am I giggling? Finn, was this Villarreal? It's a baby, the shit! What am I Googling? Finn, was this Villarreal? Baby, the shit's real shit. Shitting kids dolls? Can I Google that? No. Here's the thing. I know for a fact there's one that wheeze.

I think I might be making the poo thing up in my head. Yeah, it's like baby wee-wee in it or something. The wee one is real. Why would you want that? That's just water, isn't it? They just put water in it. Yellowed water, yeah. Yellowed, is it?

Yeah, magic potty surprise doll. She eats, you feed her food, and she does a big poo. Don't order one of them. Give me the business card back. We're going to end up on a register. As well as being members of Matalang. They can't be. You're back to my pages.

Can't be back to my Google's They're my purchases Big fucking weird dildos Someone's going to kick in that door in a second Oh Mike it's the telly on Oh no This is worse than the dildos That is vile Oh no

This is why audio's doing better than YouTube Oh for the love of god those. Oh no. That is vile. Looks like it's sat on new tarmac. This is why audio's doing better than YouTube. Oh, for the love of God. That's disgusting. I can't believe that's real. Come on, bruh. Etta does not have one of those. Who's it made by?

Rowy Toys? Poo Explosion? That's madness. Just use your fucking imagination, kids. Just do a poo yourself and clean it up. Who's it made by? Rowy Toys? Poo Explosion. That's madness. Just use your fucking imagination, kids. Just do a poo yourself and clean it up. Do you care that much? Such good advice. Yeah.

Just do a poo yourself and clean it up. That's a really good alternative. Get out of your system. Literally. Mummy, mummy, I want the doll that does poo poo. No, I'll do me own poo. Do you know why? Carl.

Carl's going to be a really fun pair, isn't he? I want a doll you're a child play with yourself imagine that I'll do it just shit on the floor clean that up

oh god I can't believe there's a child on earth that actually would want that I think a lot of children just want whatever their friends have got

you know what I mean shit that's just the Beyblade of today. Spin them in pin tops. Back in my day, we had conkers, and now they've all got shitting babies. Back in 1280. Yeah.

Back in, yeah. You really are a time traveller. We had conkers. Did you not have conkers at school? Yeah, we did. But how old are you? You're 29. I'm 29, yeah.

That's a weird first toy for your brain to go to. She must have said 29. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, because you said Beyblades and it made me think of conkers. They were the two things that were banned at my school, conkers and Beyblades. Oh, yeah, conkers.

I don't see how everyone's school got conkers. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Sorry. You're playing Top Trumps with Scousers. Yeah, shooting people in the elbows, banned at our school. everyone's school got conkers here we go here we go sorry you're playing top trumps with scousers yeah shooting people in the air

was banned at our school I'm sorry what was that conkers was banned at yours yeah we we weren't allowed to decapitate

other kids you know it happened two or three times and then like the fucking you know the ted priest was like

no chainsaws where no chainsaws lad can I ask a question that I think we're all going to love the answer to? What was the toy

when you were in school? Like, what was the toy everyone wanted? Do you remember the cup and the ball? The cup and the ball. Do you remember the cup and the ball? And Dharma? Well, we had it on pre-order

when it got announced. Call a TV. Yeah, by the toy company Wood. By your local joiner. He's like, guys, I'm going to blow you away. Cup, cup. As soon as someone invents string, this shit's going to take right off. What about the big wheel with the stick?

Fucking hell, didn't realise I'd won the fucking lottery. Wheel with the stick? Fucking hell. Didn't realise I'd won the fucking lottery. The wheel with the stick. Dan's like, I'm not baby. I had a stick. I was halfway there. Save up for a wheel, son. Great times.

You okay, man? It's just... You okay? We had action men, didn't we? No, in school. Did you take action men to school You paedophile In year nine Yeah

Was there any action men That played I would have Follied it out of your hands Once the guns got banned It was action men We had them things That you could flick at each other

Remember like the jelly things They got banned Knives Yeah Knives Flick knives In little school It was Beyblades Beyblades Pokemon cards I don't know what they're Stick for crazy bones Remember like the jelly things? They got banned. Yeah. Knives. Flick knives. In little school,

it was Beyblades. Beyblades. Pokemon cards. They were about to stick crazy bones. Crazy bones. They were sick. Did you have crazy bones? Yeah, I had crazy bones.

Do you remember crazy bones? No. I was in nightclubs at this time. Pogs. Did you do pogs? He was the general manager. Oh yeah,

the aliens, that stunk as shit. And if you put them in water, apparently they have more babies. Oh, yeah, if you put babies, like the aliens, back to back, they'd have babies. I think that was a rumour. I think it was a good rumour, but I think it was a rumour. Mine had three triplets.

Fuck off. Three triplets? Where are they now? Three lonesome triplets. They did actually breed. Did they? How? How does that happen?

No, well, here's the trick. It was already in there. And they'd melt away. Don't fucking say that to me. Like, you've just cracked a mystery. This is going to blow your mind. It was there the whole time. And you put the aliens back to back

and it was something about them touching each other that made it bring the baby to the fore and then you could peel it out. You had to get a specific one. I want one of them now. Stunk as shit, though, didn't you one I want one of them no stunk as shit though didn't you

want one though did you have a Tamagotchi I did I think I broke it had a yo-yo yeah admin for a toy for you is not good is it really

no keep that dog out no mam it's a dinosaur dinosaur one do you have a Tamagotchi no I lived with my girlfriend

when you were playing Tamagotchis. How old are you? Kept her fed. How old do you think he is? 78, according to him. No, I don't want to do this. Go on.

I don't want to know, actually. How old do you think I am, Sarah? We've worked together recently. It will make this whole thing feel weird. Guess. If I know. Why? 42.

Oh, okay. In March. Thank you. Is that right? I will be 42 In March. Thank you. Is that right? I will be 42 in March. Fuck off. Okay. Why are you shouting fuck off?

You just guessed it. Because I never get anything right. I'm very excited. You didn't get it right? You were actually wrong. He's 41. Yeah, and I aged him up. Margin of error.

Yeah. They think I'm 111. Well, you do. They think I'm Captain Tom. Oh, God. he's just... He's just walked to the toilet. I'm back. He didn't even do it for charity.

Do you know what? Don't need 20 quid to the NHS. Dan's done a poo. In the right place. Not on the company card. Don't poo on the company card. Can we have a break? Yeah, we need one.

I'm feeling... We need a little bit of... I feel 111. He's a bit overexcited. Can't wait for that dildo to get here. What's happening, lads? It's Manscaped Advert Time. Our longest serving sponsor.

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To be going up to your ma Or whatever woman He's currently goosing With a fucking Bushfire down there We've got it You don't want that We've got it

You want him to have a nice Adam we've got it You want Stubblecock We've got it Got it? to have a nice adam we've got it you want nice stubble cock we've got it got it yeah word 20 manscape.com nice one love it with the guests getting the bullshit though throwing it out there first time twice in a week um right so nicole billington here would you rather this is from nicole billington below Billo Billo Getting back in touch After all this time Yeah Billo

Billo Baggins Billington She'd love that She loves that She actually messages Oh I love being called Billo Baggins Nicole Billington

Just to confirm Nicole Nicole Billo Would you rather The old Bill From the old Bill Nikki Will Wills Laugh uncontrollably Would you rather Laugh uncontrollably Easy Nicole write it properly From the old Bill. Nicky Will Wills.

Laugh uncontrollably. Would you rather laugh uncontrollably? Easy. Nicole, write it properly. Come on, Billo. Fucking Billo. Why would you write it so badly? Laugh uncontrollably every time you see someone naked for the first time or fall in love with every person you see naked.

You can't. You have to choose one of these, Sarah. They're all powerful and all binding. Would you rather laugh uncontrollably every time you see someone naked

for the first time or fall in love with every person you see naked? The whole purpose of life is to find love. You're never going to find love if you laugh at everyone

when they're naked. So it's better to fall in love with everyone you see naked than hope one of them falls in love with you. Yeah, you fall out of love. So, back to the old men at the gym.

It's an issue, isn't it? It's an issue. When you fall in love with Keith. Just because I'm in love with someone doesn't mean I'm sexually attracted to them. I can be in love with an old man from the gym. I don't want them to fuck him. Please. Please.

Okay, can we extend it then? What if you fall in love with every one person you see naked and you want to fuck them? Yeah, surely love and sex are very simpatico. No, I love you. Never thought about fucking you. Are you not in love with me? No.

I hope not, anyway. What a way to find out. Sharing a room tonight? Just after ordering a dildo online. We don't need dildos. We've got cocks. I think you laugh on... I didn't realise this was a bragging podcast. Lucky you.

I didn't realise I was going to come here and you're going to wave your dicks in my face. Should have known. No, we've been told about that. We've got to stop. I think you go laugh on control every time you see someone naked for the first time and when you meet someone

you have to preface it by like you're saying that as a married man who is hopefully only ever going to see one person naked for the rest of their for the rest of your shagging days I might be limited to how many people I see naked from now on really like

how many first time nakeds do I see if you asked like an embalmist this question it'd be quite easy wouldn't it like to fall in love with all the naked bodies naked dead bodies yeah so it depends who you'd ask so weird that you've gone there yeah i thought go places like that yeah yeah what a weird year what if they were all dead what if all the naked people were dead and you had to fuck them just from the morgue you're here I'm just throwing out Careful He's not very respectful

Fucking That's true You know It's not respectful if you go in And he's fucking a dead body either But Oh no he's He's in love with the dead body

At least you can't hear it down the hall He's not trying to fuck the dead body As we've already I'd go with the in love and fuck still Yeah me too But just be very careful Where you see naked people I just wouldn't go to the gym anymore

I don't go that much anyway Yeah Where else can you see naked people. I just wouldn't go to the gym anymore. I don't go that much anyway. Yeah. Where else can you see naked people? The internet. The beach? Yeah. Does it have to be? Is it a live naked body? Yeah. Is it in person? Otherwise porn's fucked, innit? No, it's in person. Yeah, it's in person, yeah. Exclusively in person.

In person. Yeah. Porn would be exhausting. I just only ever see people naked when I want to fall in love with them are you in love with wow that sounded like a threat didn't it are you in love with

multiple people at the same time oh yeah you big old romantic you yeah if I'm in a gang bang do I fall in love with everyone no I was keen

I tell you what that scouts it cancels oh does it what like the heavyweight champion of the world yeah it's the undisputed undisputed just go with that one because even if i saw somebody naked i'd just go home to my

girlfriend and be like babe get your kit off but what do you want to see her naked anymore i need to fall out of love with someone can i please have a look at you yeah but wow that's happening you're in love with someone else aren't you you're saying babe you're like to be fair that person that walked maybe you wouldn't want to see her naked anymore you currently disgust me until you get your audio really chose my words carefully there

got some advice oh shit I love doing it I love it this is called Agony Adams section we'll write in because I like Adams got his shit together

What we need Start every one by saying I'm not saying I'm mentally stable I'm a plot Oh this is boring compared to I think we feel like we've all This is like a real bit of advice I'll do it

Okay Sometimes we need to be a bit serious This is from one of our There's too much funny Lady listeners I'll do it okay sometimes we need to be a bit serious this is from one of our lady listeners erm I haven't had sexual relations in about two years my body isn't what it used to be

and I'm pretty sure I've forgotten what a real naked man looks like I'm a single mum single mum and studying to go to uni next year so I don't exactly have time

for dating and I hate one night stands but I shut down anything that comes my way due to the long sexual hiatus any vice would be greatly appreciated um so this is someone who's dating once has not been dating not been bonking but wants to get their confidence up what advice have you got so here's what i would

do in a situation i'm not saying she should do it i'm saying here's what i'd do here we go I'd go out and fuck the first thing I saw that was Willan yeah you should have said first person I just I need you to know oh yeah first

you should have said I'll go and fuck the first person you said thing yeah and that's upset me yeah there's Adam fucking

an electric scooter is that because I've dehumanised people or because you think I want to fuck an animal subject I don't want to fucking animate objects? I don't want to be walking down the street

and see you with your dick in an electric scooter. And I doubt it would be willing, to be fair. Well, you want to stay away from church these on Tuesdays. Green light was flashing. Yeah, go and fuck a man. I assume. I feel like that has been the advice on any... My confidence is like, just fuck something.

But that's very valid advice, isn't it confidence don't break your dog i think this is where alcohol and i'm saying you know self-medication and everything this is what it's for if you've lost your confidence a little bit the british way it's not to stay sober have a coffee and then have some fucking sexual balance with someone like you've got to have a bev. Get a little bit bevved up. I'm not saying inebriate yourself to the point where you're in a ropey situation. Just find a nice person, get a bit buzzed, and you'll feel better about it.

Isn't that what booze is for? That is what booze is for. If you're comfortable with doing this drunk for the first time in a while, which is absolutely okay, do other stuff that could raise your confidence. Like coke. I'm trying to stay away from substances. I'm thinking, like do a few crosswords so you're like i'm clever oh you're getting a bit arrogant yeah okay so a few competitions crosswords do a crossword and

be like i'm gonna fuck the shit out of someone now i got eight across do a sexy crossword do you realize your advice so far has been just just do it yeah get drunk do a crossword Do you realise Your advice so far Has been Just do it Yeah Get drunk Do a crossword Yeah but Not in that order Yeah

Because you do a crossword And you're like Do a word search now Hang on Is that like the Fucking army of words If you can do a crossword You can shag a mountain

If you can do a word search You can do a crossword If you can do a crossword You can do a Sudoku If you can do a Sudoku You can go on Countdown If you go on Count down you can go on the chase if you go on the chase you can fuck bradley walsh and then you'll feel great why do i feel i've just heard your five-year plan you have if you can fuck bradley wals, you can fix the rotor on an Apache helicopter.

All leads. Yeah, that's my advice. Be the best. I was born in Southampton, but I was fucked in the army. This poor woman's not going to be like... My advice to this woman... Out of the bush. ...is stop shutting stuff down. Start going on dates. You don't have to shag anyone

Just start going on dates Make you feel attractive Take it from there Just flirt That's another way Again You've just given her The exact same advice as me

By the way No you've said Almost identical You've said go and fuck something That was my first advice And I regretted it So I changed it I don't think I said

Do a crossword either No I don't think you heard me it to a crossword thing I don't think I said do a crossword either no I don't think you heard me say do a crossword love no you hadn't finished though were you was there a sudoku

at the end of yours yes do a crossword I was going to suggest a dot to dot actually a dot to dot for the not too bright going on a date

and feeling like beautiful will have the same effect on this woman as doing a crossword yeah yeah yeah do some colouring in mine makes more sense

what about no but going on a few dates isn't going to get you over the hump of like oh I'm not feeling great about my body it will do

if someone feels like four gin and tonics pow well yeah you could have a gin and tonic on a date get the gunt out go on a date with a guy

you're flirting he's flirting with you he wants to fuck you you don't have to do it but that excitement of being like he fancied me you go I wants to fuck you. You don't have to do it, but that excitement of being like, he fancied me. You go, I'd like to see you again.

Don't worry. It will happen, but I'm just building up to it. Yeah, Sarah, admit that in your plan, eventually there's a martini at some point in there. Absolutely. Yeah, thank you. I'm just quickening the thing.

Get the martinis out. Whip out a tit. Martini and a crossword. Easy. So there you go. Get drunk. Date. Do crosswords. Sudoku. Whip a tit martini and a crossword easy so there you go get drunk date do crosswords

sudoku whip a tit out gin and tonic couldn't be clearer we'll send you a link to the john or join the army join the army

be the best you fucking green beret who's next have a word it's time to have a word with Anna McDaniel tell us all the problems you have with your friend I hope I don't have to date again why the podcast called have a word I hope I never have to date again

you don't have to date again Mr Dan Mr Dan we play Scrabble you know not for me great what a mad date where are you dating

Runcorn that's what they sound like around here. Poo-cat. It's a perfect accent for Runcorn. Scrabble night in the Runcorn community centre. Wag-wag lids. Mail order bride from Runcorn. Just pick you up.

Wag-wag lids. Will you please have a word with my mate Jack? So I've just got back from Tenerife after a week away with the lads. One afternoon we were on the beers chilling in the pool. I needed to piss and couldn't be arsed getting out, so just let rip in the pool. Jack thought it was disgusting and jumped out ranting and raving. Luckily, it was quite late on and no one else was about.

I said, it doesn't matter, chlorine kills it anyway. He then decided to stand at the edge of the pool, whip his dick out and piss in from the side. He argued that it was absolutely no different to what I'd just done. However, me and the other two fellas felt like pissing whilst in the pool is very different from pissing into the pool from the side. What do you boys think? Nice one, John. It's waggiest of wags to you good sirs

I'm going to hand this over to you Sarah is there a difference between pissing off the diving board and pissing while you're in the pool I think there's

fuck all difference I'm 100% with Sarah I think if your morals are like I'm happy to piss in the pool then you can't criticise other

people's style of pissing in the pool everyone's pissed in the pool yeah you absolutely can either you're like we piss in the pool

or we don't you can't be like not like that yeah no you can there is a difference and i prefer to see somebody doing it openly with form anonymity you don't see someone's cock or big arch of his cock out of his shorts maybe you just piped it down at least he's being honest about it people can see that happening i think if you stand about doing it privately alone under the water are you under the water and then you'll never oh well it it sounds like his mate was under the water. In the water, you're just doing that weird side eye,

like everyone knows what you're doing, but there's a gentleman's agreement that no one goes, are you pissing in the pool? No, you're pissing in the sea, because you do that thing. I love it when people who haven't been swimming all day in the sea just sort of like walk in, pretend to just sort of stretch a bit then like go in waste stand there look sideways and then go you know what i think i've finished with the sea and they do that every 90 minutes throughout the day it's a everyone knows what they're doing if

you stand at the i know we're talking about the sea here specifically and this guy's talking about but if you stood at the side with the waves lapping, whipped your dick out and just pissed into it, valid complaints from a lifeguard. Yeah, but that's nothing to do with the act of the pissing. It's to do with the act of getting your cock out. Right, listen. You're getting fucked on a technicality.

The guy who pissed off the side of the pool didn't hide it and sneak. He got his dick out and pissed into the pool. That's clearly from the... We're saying it's late at night. It was just then there, right? Yeah. the pool that's clearly from the late at night it was just then there right yeah oh that's fine then there's just them there that's fine it's the same and he's proving a point it's not it's not it's not the same it is it's uncouth it's all uncouth no it's not it's uncouth across the board oh come on would you piss in a swimming pool at all

mate of course would you in a bath no not in a swimming pool yes all? Mate, of course. Would you? I'd piss in a bath. No, not in a swimming pool. Yes, in the sea. Everyone's pissed in a swimming pool. As a child, yeah. No. Oh, by the way, outdoor holiday, I maybe,

if you're down the local leisure centre, I think that might be a bit too much. If you're pissing and there's some old days having like water aerobics like two lanes over, that's not on. No. Right. So, then there's some old days having like water aerobics like two lanes over that's not on no right so well then there's no difference you're at the local ymca i couldn't even say it out loud you're going for your 25 lengths sometimes 50 you're getting confident you stop midway and go

i can't be arsed going in i'll just wee here no difference to climbing out and then pissing back into the pool No difference But I absolutely will do it In a public swimming pool as well Yeah 100% I don't get why that's different I'll use the piss to propel me

That's why the Claudians They You know why it's different Because if you just stand there In the pool and piss No one knows No complaints Stand up

Piss into the pool You've literally just testified That you People do now What do you mean When people The face Nah

But that's not my point My point I don't get why you're saying I wouldn't do it in a leisure centre that people do now? What do you mean? When people, the face. But that's not my point. I don't get why you're saying I wouldn't do it in a leisure centre, but I would do it on a holiday. Yeah, that's just a weird wrinkle of mine. I'm a bit of a, I just feel like. Don't piss locally.

Don't piss shit where you need. I just think if there's swimming lessons going on, I think you have to be a bit of an animal to be two lanes over going. Yeah, but if you're on a, like a, in a resort, in a holiday pool,

there's presumably like kids playing. Ah, fuck them. Don't do that. You can't do that either. What you're saying is you'd piss on a kid but you wouldn't piss on an old lady.

Players. Yeah. We all piss in old bodies of water. Just to be a gentleman. That's a sweet statement. Get under the fucking water. It is and it's a true statement.

Everyone here's pissed in a pool. Do you piss in the bath? I don't get a bath and no I wouldn't piss in the bath. Do you piss in the bath? I don't get a bath. And no, I wouldn't piss in the bath. Do you piss in the bath? No. You just said you piss in all bodies of water. Public bodies of water.

I reckon he pisses in the bath. I said it before. Does anybody piss in the bath? No. Is that a thing? My daughter. Because she's a fucking animal. I bet there are people that piss in the bath.

That's vile. Google it. Why is it different? I put chlorine in my bath. Would you piss in the bath. That's vile. Google it. Why is it different? But I put chlorine in my bath. Would you piss in the bathroom? Climb in. What? Jada.

Put chlorine in the bath. Do you not put chlorine in when you get a bath? I don't get baths. What's that? Sure, put chlorine in. Just chlorine in Redox. Yeah, yeah. Just no words mean anything anymore.

Just say the words that come into your head. Look, in answer to the question, the guy writing is entirely in the wrong, I think, because he's a hypocrite. Oh, I think he's absolutely right. Jack, I'm on your side, mate. No, I think Jack's the standing pisser. Yeah, no, Jack's wrong.

Yeah, you're right. The person who wrote it. I side with Jack. I side with the writer in it. The one who pissed from the diving boat just swear Jean and I also

I admire the fact that he felt wrong and then took revenge yeah yeah he does sound like a bit of a character there could be some

splash back as well if you piss into it if it was the evening as well you know those pools that are like lit from the bottom I bet it looked lovely. Yeah.

Like a little feature. Yeah. Someone on their honeymoon. I can't think of Dubai water feature in front of the beige coming from. Another one. Can you have a word with me or my brother? They have just broken up their engagement

and ended their relationship a month before tying the knot. So this is the... Me or my brother? Listen. What? The guy writing in his brother's just broken up his relationship with his missus a month before tying the knot she was very in controlling and manipulative i've been saying this from the get-go so i'm relishing in his decision to end it but he is now having a party

with a band and everything on the day they are supposed to get married at the venue they were supposed to be married in. There's a few ways you could look at this. One is he's trying to recoup his losses from the non-refundable deposits. Two, he's celebrating getting out of a toxic relationship. Or three, he's trying to win the breakup somehow.

I suspect it might be a mix of all three. She did some crazy stuff. I put all this stuff on Facebook marketplace, slash holes in all of his pockets, and threatened to get someone to kill him. But I still think having a party on the date and location of your wedding is not a good look. This man should be the prime minister.

Especially since they have a large amount of mutual friends. Have a word with me for being a fanny about it or for him for being absolutely thoughtless. Cheers, lids. Why was threatening to kill him number three on that list? I think he was building up. It was like a crescendo of crazy. I'd have started with the killing.

Putting holes in pockets is not the same. No, I think you can't do all three if you're like, she threatened to kill him and put holes in pockets is not the same no I think yeah I think I think you can't do all three if you're like she threatened to kill him and put holes in his pockets I think he built the drama the holes in his pockets take that away

take the death threat away take all the stuff on marketplace away just the fact that he was in an horrible toxic relationship and we've got I'm just taking the writer

in his word for this that she was the toxic and controlling one I'm taking his word for it it's his brother isn't it yeah I'm taking his way for it i i think he's ordered he's a young king and he should be elected an elected official in this country i think we should all be invited to this party can we come when is it i'd go to this yeah should we go and we'll bring him a new bride yeah mr dan for a lol i don't think he wants i think he just wants to get shit faced I'd go to this. Yeah? Should we go and we'll bring him a new bride? Yeah.

For a lull. I don't think he wants... I think he just wants to get shit-faced at a wedding venue. It's just a piss-up, isn't it? It's a party. It's a... It does actually sound quite good as a party. It's a bit of a fuck you.

It's a lot of a fuck you, isn't it? Do you think she's invited? I do. I suspect she's not. You should invite her as well. Invite her, absolutely. Yeah, you can come if you want. she's invited? I do. I suspect she's not. You should invite her as well. Absolutely. Yeah, you can come if you want.

It's your wedding as well. Come on. Your fucking mum and dad aren't coming. Always hated them. No. Sisters are dickhead. And all your bridesmaids, you can come if you want.

So what's the question? I'm not sure she will. If you want. Exactly. What's the question whether or not you should have the party? I think they have a word. It's like, is he being a bit mental

by having a party in honour of the... If it's not refundable then I really respect this. Right. He's a thrifty man. Is it not better just sort of emotionally

to let this baggage go and just move on? After the party. The wedding staff at this venue will fucking love this, by the way. They have to do night after night

about like three cups meal and everyone like another speech the staff at wedding venues look so fucking bored don't they they just look so bored

because they've seen romance over and over and over again and it must seem so like desensitised yeah this would be good they'd love this

he should still do the speeches he should still have his best man's speech when he's like thank fuck she's gone eh up the heads They'd love this. He should still do the speeches. He should still have his best man's speech. When he's like, thank fuck she's gone. Eh? Up the heads.

Short speeches. Fucking nightmare. Good move. I tell you, why would you not just have the full wedding? I want to go to this. Have him stood at the altar, going, and have the priest go,

repeat after me, I'm going to be single for a bit. I'm going to be single for a bit. I'm going to get on it every bit I'm going to be single for a bit I'm going to get on it every night every night every night I vow

to not get into a serious relationship for at least six months and to get bevvied to do all the drugs I've wanted to do it's a very understanding minister

yeah presbyterian I don't know what that means either I just said it alright I love it that it's not just a party you're actually doing a fake he's marrying himself

he's marrying singledom it's actually very modern it's very heteronormative a wedding, I'm marrying myself I think the thing is up until the point where he listed all of the insane shit that she did I was like no this is too much and he listed all of the insane shit that she did I was like

no this is too much and then if all of that stuff is true then it's then it's this is fantastic invite us tell us the time

and the place and if we're free apparently we're coming when is it I don't know it's not been listed but I have a horrible feeling that the way I deal

with admin on the email this might have already happened. I hope it's not because we're up for it. Yeah. We'll bring it on. Well, you know, next time he gets engaged, keep us in the loop. Yeah.

Yeah, but then we're probably going to a wedding, aren't we? Nah. No, we're going to the stag do. Okay, cool. Weird organising it. And if he doesn't invite us, I'll fucking kill him. This guy doesn't even listen to the podcast. It's just his brother. Like, lads, I don't know us I'll fucking kill him this guy doesn't even listen to the podcast

it's just his brother like lads I don't know if I've got the power to do all these things no he smashed her good for them live your best life chief

one more and then we will wrap this is a big one this is from Scott Walker wag wag lids my mate has just found out that her lad is a male prozzie

gigolo behind her back, and has been doing for a while while they have been quote unquote official. She's adamant it's okay and has decided to stick with him. We say she needs to move on and realise the disrespect that's gone on.

But is it our reet for him to do this? This is heavy, man. It's all right. So his mate has found out, the girl has found out that her new fella is a male sex worker. How long have they been together? I think male prosy might not be where we're at

in terms of... No. Yeah. How long have they been together? It doesn't say. It can't have been ages, though, can it? I think it's okay if he'd been upfront about it and she was okay with it.

Yeah, it's the deceit that's the problem because also it's putting her physical health at risk. It's not the fact that he's, like, I assume he's, I don't know what gender he's for hire for or what. Servicing. Everybody, I guess. I don't think they're,

I think that it's just money, isn't it? Is it? Oh, you can't specify you sort of? Well, presumably you can they're I think it's just money isn't it is it you can't specify you sort of well presumably you can but I think most male prostitutes should be able to get hard

for I don't think he'd be able to get hard unless he was homosexual for a man yeah but then presumably if he was fucking a woman

that he didn't fancy he would struggle to get hard yeah Viagra performance enhancing drugs these guys an industry standard an industry standard there can't be many male prostitutes that are exclusively heterosexual in this country

well yeah i mean it's a pretty small market it's not a big market is it i doubt that's where the money is no because if like not to be too like generalise too much, if women want to get laid, men are such, they're just such a sexually open book, innit? Like, it's just like, I'll just lower my standards slightly. And there's swathes of lesbians as well, waiting in the wings. Really? Lurking in the dark, yeah. If a woman wants to have an orgasm, there's so many options.

Right, the job. Is that not frowned upon? I love asking, I love lesbian questions. Welcome's so many options. Right. The John. Is that not frowned upon? I love asking. I love lesbian questions. Welcome to Gentleman for Hire. There you go. Is that Adam?

Straight male escort company that are the longest running male escorts. Is that Adam Ramsey? It's not Adam Ramsey. He's got a lovely beard, doesn't he? He has.

There you go. You can pick what you want and they're all heterosexual. This would be horrible if we see someone we know. Jason Sweden. Fantastic. That's not his real name, no. pick what you want and they're all heterosexual this would be horrible if we see someone we know Jason Swedish fantastic

if we see someone we know that's not his real name no Jason Swedish Rimanza Riman 27 oh yeah cool

Riman Mr Polite he was called so it is there is a market there you go the more you know how many men

are on that website is that all Greek Johnny that's not his name either how many men are on that website though? Is that all? Greek Johnny That's not his name either How many men? It looks like there's about 40 That's a region Can we go north-west please?

Let's see what we've got locally There's the north North, yeah, northern I want a northern gigolo Ey up We've got Dale Bradford I'll fuck you

For money Andy Andy Classic, classic gigolo name He loves conversation Nothing better than looking into someone's eyes Liar we've got Dale Bradford I'll fuck you for money Andy Andy classic classic gigolo name he loves conversation nothing better than looking into someone's eyes

liar he loves going for drinks meals cinema walk or drive he's an all rounder £130 for the first hour the second and third hours

go up on request I am not joking Andy from Leeds if he's ever been paid from sex I'm quitting podcasting now and I'm in the game

this isn't just oh yeah Amanda I like talking to you but I won't fuck you for less than 130 quid this isn't this isn't just sex then is it

it's like a oh no companion yeah he's so good of a pint he charges 130 quid an hour to go for a pint

with him likes boats been on a plane only Ryanair though he's never he's never been paid for sex come on

please tell me no woman has gone I just can't get it for free but Andy from the north about Cassap oh no bio for Cassap you can Skype them

it's funnier when they're oh called Andy looks aggressive erm he's a chef right okay cool

yeah nice one you need to get one of these guys on the pod no we don't yes we do I want Andy I don't want one of the good looking other ones I want Andy from the north

we're just about agreed to cover your trade we're not paying 130 quid an hour for Andy to come and talk to us. We need to get one of these guys to come in and have sex with you. That's what I say. Raoul, I am the guy next door who you can make pies with. Who keeps everything you do or say. That's got to be an innuendo.

That's a clean pie. He's cooking people into pies, isn't he? Oh, my God. Is it cheaper? What pound a mini? He knows what women want though they want they want pie making very close to where they live because there is an energy crisis and fuel's gone mental so if you're gonna pay for sex and you know pies yeah you want it next door don't you times i've been out with

the girls and they've said i just want my next door neighbor to bake me a pie yeah yeah yeah and i want to pay for it. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Can we turn the TV off? Because I can't watch, I can't look at more gigolos. What's John saying?

He says, zero, £100 an hour. Fuck me, these are making some dough, these, you know. It's not actually that good of money really, is it? £100 an hour?

You can see the travel involved. Yeah, the circuit's gone out of gigoloing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't pay for your accommodation. They didn't even pay for your accommodation. They won't even pay for your accommodation. It used to be Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Two on a Saturday.

Bank holiday Sunday. Now you have to get a tryout gigolo to drive you from London. Fucking nightmare. I'll bring an open spot with you. Open spot. Sarah, you're going on tour, aren't you? Yeah, I am.

When are you going on tour? In the autumn, September. Okay, and where will people be able to get tickets for that on my website or on social

media Sarah K comedy on Twitter Sarah Keyworth comedian on Instagram website is www.sarahkeyworth.co.uk

nailed it that sounds right there's a version where if you do com I think it leads you into a real dark place

northernjiggalos.com yeah yeah that's my site there I'm Sarah Keyworth I like pies two doors down I'm risky do you like travel

I'm the man next door that will hold your pie sounds like a threat doesn't it if I got that in a letter all cut up in different fonts

I'd be shitting myself £130 Finlay has a song for you if you're on audio if you're on audio listening you get a song at the end now

which we'll plug in one second you can get tickets for the rest of my tour shows adamroddacuttyk4 for the rest of my tour shows. Adam Rudd, UKVotes.shows. All of his tour shows at... DanNightingale.com

and I've got some very nice previews this summer. I wrote them all down as a list and it sounds... It's like towns you don't want to visit but they're great for previews. It genuinely is. I do smaller rooms in towns where you're like, really, there?

So if you're from one of them small towns, get on it. Danspreviews.com. And we still have tickets available for the arena tour. Arena show. Arena show. Arena tour. We're just doing a tour of one night. We're doing a one night tour.

Yeah. One night tour. It is an arena tour, technically. Your arms come from chest and foot. You're on tour. It's a big one. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to walk to it.

That'll be fun. how many tickets you got left do you know 20 27 no no no no let me just check 24 now oh yeah we've sold three more we try and fill it with gigolos a lot of them prices i need more sneak. Are you enjoying your sneak, Dan? Yes, I am. Word 10.

Is that powdered sneak? That's powdered sneak. Oh, yeah. So he mixes it with water and it creates liquidized sneak. Yeah, and then I blow it up my own arse. It's great. You should see the straw. That's not cardboard. Sneak. Word 10. Sneak around. should see the straw that's not cardboard sneak word 10 sneak around your office i'm feeling sneaky should we end the pod good plug what song oh yeah what's the this is uh another lid uh called camera

i follow this guy on instagram he He does busking in Liverpool. He does. He's great. Yeah, he's brilliant. Oh, yeah. I love him as well, yeah. So the tune he sent in is called Love. It's on Spotify, but that's K-A-M-A, Kama.

Music. Not to be confused with the common English word, comma. We need to end this pod so badly. So bad. Thanks, Sarah. Glad you got that out. See you,. So bad. Thanks, Sarah. Glad you got that out. See you, mate. Bye.

Thanks, Sarah. Bye. We had a happy home Built from the way we'd grown We had a happy home, yeah We had our minds made up But trying to dream wasn't enough We had our minds made up And then it fell out of the hands of us The hands of me And I can't save it

I know Talking would have stopped the pain Just hope that it begins to shake Pain I couldn't take away Oh love, why'd you go and fuck me up? Left me sinning in the rain The weather wants the ground away You're contained with love

Slowly bridging through your veins Heresher your hope away Eternally affix the chains And I can't change it Certainly you fixed the chains And I can't change it Oh no Oh no You said don't stick around I swear I still remember the sound

Of cars that stick around And what a way to grow Conquered love 18 years old I'm glad I watched you grow And then it fell Out of the hands of us The hands of us, the hands of me And I can't save it, I know

Talking would have stopped the pain Just hope that it begins to shade The pain I couldn't take away Oh, love Why'd you go and fuck me up? Left me standing in the rain The weather wants to ground away You're contained with love

Slowly breaching through your veins Perishing your hope away Suddenly you're fixed to change Nothing changes And I can change it Had a happy home But from the way we'd grown We had a happy home